#KFAM transcripts

[lucifer-kane]

Okay, good to see that MIDST now has transcripts on their website let's gooo. But the question is are they easily accessible from a podcast app or the youtube desc.

Answer to that is; No link to them in the youtube description (Other than the link to their website, which helps, but I don't really count.)

And also not in the desc of at least my podcast app (Castbox), and the links they do have aren't even clickable)

[kingfallsamtranscripts2]

King Falls AM Episode Twenty-Two: Somewhere Under the Rainbow

King Falls AM Transcript

Episode 22: Somewhere Under the Rainbow 

Run time: 24:26

First Aired: Mar 15, 2016

Summary: The Rainbow Light’s continued presence has King Falls on edge and the action heats up at Lake Hatchenaw over what Herschel and Cecil reeled in two weeks ago.

(For a list of characters and references from this episode see the end of this post)

[King Falls AM theme plays]

Ben: And, of course, please use caution and common sense regarding the Rainbow Lights. 

Sammy: And, you know, with everything else in life. 

Ben: Right. Mayor Grisham is asking residents to not look directly into the lights and also to not harm and harass them in any way.

Sammy: Idiot! How do you harm and harass a light?

Ben: Sammy, I know you’re sore at the mayor but-

Sammy: Shouldn’t he be doing more than press releases about this? There have been rainbow lights hovering over the town for two straight weeks. Where’s the national guard, man?

Ben: I don’t know Sammy, I-

Sammy: Where’s his caution and common sense? We have lost people to these lights before. 

Ben: I know you’re frustrated, Sammy, but I think that’s what he’s, he’s getting at. I-

Sammy: No, no no no no no. The only thing Mayor Grisham is doing is posturing to look like he cares because the election is this year. It’s despicable.

Ben: Dude, I agree with you! You’re right. But don’t forget about the positives!

Sammy: Such as?

Ben: The bronys man!

Sammy: (exasperated) Oh come on…

Ben: What? You have to admit it’s pretty cool that hundreds if not more of these brony guys have made the pilgrimage here because of the rainbow lights.

Sammy: Oh yeah, it is simply thrilling. Almost as thrilling as the fact that I was nearly stampeded by a herd of their mustangs when I was coming out of Rose’s yesterday.

Ben: Maybe they thought you were with them.

Sammy: Maybe so, I don’t know. I give off more of a furry vibe.

Ben: Very true.

Sammy: You get it folks, so to right this train please be aware of your surroundings, try to travel in packs-

Ben: Strength in numbers, people.

Sammy: And use caution and common sense regarding the rainbow lights and whatever is projecting them.

Ben: Stay safe King Falls!

Sammy: Alright, we’re taking your calls ladies and gents. Are the constant bright rainbow lights disturbing your sleeping patterns?

Ben: Much like Sammy. 

Sammy: I’m tired man.

Ben: (laughing) I know, man! Have you or anyone you know gotten close to the lights or seen the UFOs up close and personal?

Sammy: We are here to listen to your issues and to offer help if we can. Give us a call, (424)279-3858.

Ben: And, as always, you can hit us up on your social media of choice at King Falls AM.

Sammy: Line three you’re on King Falls AM.

Caller: Hello, King Falls AM.

Sammy: Howard Ford Beauregard?

Beauregard: The third.

Ben: It’s an integral part of the name, Sammy, as you know Howard Ford Beauregard the first and Howard Ford Beauregard the second are probably still milling about in a dungeon or somewhere under town.

Beauregard: I’ll have you know-

Ben: Because they’re undying vampires!

Beauregard: Ha! More of your charming, paranoid wit. I suppose your five listeners enjoy your slander and degradation.

Ben: The lights must really be messing you up. Can coffins keep out bright as the sun rainbow lights from UFOs? Or-

Beauregard: Stevens, please alert your man and tell him I shan’t be addressing any of his inquires this evening or otherwise.

Ben: Your man? Ha! What century is this, Beauregard? Seriously, just tell me!

Sammy: Mr. Beauregard, may I ask why you’re gracing us with your presence via the telephone?

Ben: How did you pester people before the telephone, Howie? Telegram? By letter? 

Beauregard: The reason behind this call is simple. I’ve been made aware of rumors swirling about that, well… that the townspeople are talking about me. More so that I may possess something that may cause this outbreak of colors in the sky.

Ben: Uh, it’s a rainbow. You’d know that if you’d seen light in the last milenia.

Beauregard: I don’t understand why, but I know that a large number of the residents listen to this show of yours. And I wanted to assure yourselves, and the lowlies, that listen to this rubbish that the rumors are unfounded and untrue!

Sammy: We actually haven’t heard this rumor, Beauregard, so-

Ben: Oh I have! I just wasn’t going to waste airtime on this petrified bloodsucker and his idiot manservant. Nobody has a ray gun that can shoot rainbows and can turn off electronics.

Sammy: A ray gun that can turn off electronics?

Beauregard: Now see here! This is exactly how things get out of hand. Stop talking about this. Stop thinking about this. I can hear you thinking… I have nothing of the sort! 

Ben: Sammy we’ve had lots of tweets about a frequency beaming into ours and the listeners hearing it. Do you think this-

Sammy: What are you doing up there, Beauregard? Did you cause the 2015 electrolocaust with this thing?

Ben: (baffled) Oh man, is this true?!

Beauregard: (stammering) I uh, well you can’t, I don’t uh-

Sammy: Answer the damn question, Beauregard. Did you do something that knocked our entire town off the map?

Ben: Seriously, I had to get a whole new iphone, man! What’d you do, Howie?

Beauregard: I absolutely will not stand for this. I am not here to be persecuted and grilled about a transmorgrifier electrode-

Ben: You did this! This has you written all over it! But why?

Beauregard: Now see here.

Sammy: What’s a transmorgrifier?

Beauregard: I don’t know, how would I know? Nobody said anything about that.

Ben: Are you causing the rainbows and UFOs too? What the hell is going on up there in that manor of yours?

Beauregard: I will not tolerate this insolence! I will be calling my personal friends Mayor Grisham and Sheriff Gunderson, and they will not take kindly to how you are treating me! I came in peace, you degenerates!

Sammy: Are you saying they won’t appreciate you asking us questions about your involvement in all the weird stuff that happens in King Falls?

Ben: Not all, Sammy. Just some.

Sammy: Right.

Ben: What else are you doing up on your mountain?

Beauregard: Enough! I tried to use your media outlet, as primitive as it may be, to dispel a terrible rumor and all you’ve done is multiply the accusations. I will not stand for this. I will crush you. 

Ben: (laughing) Oh ho ho! 

Sammy: With your rainbow electrolocaust ray gun?

Beauregard: With all of my power and every fiber of my being! You fools should not doubt me!

Ben: Is this a threat? It sounds like a threat, right, Sammy? Will your personal friends-

Sammy: Mayor Grisham and Sheriff Gunderson.

Ben: Yeah, will they be cool with that? Do they know about your ray gun?

Beauregard: There is no ray gun! And these are no threats! 

Sammy: I’m not really buying either of those statements. 

Beauregard: There are only promises here, Stevens. Howard Ford Beauregard-

Sammy and Ben: The third!

Beauregard: Ugh, you fools! I am not a man to be taken lightly! I am not a man to be bullied. I am not a man-

Ben: But a vampire!

Beauregard: Mark my words… if you can refrain from your tomfoolery for one damn minute longer. 

Sammy: Uh yeah, timer’s on, you have our undivided attention.

Beauregard: This is not the last time you’ll hear from Howard Ford Beauregard the third. Being the gentleman that I am, this is my fair warning to let you know this is far from over.

[The phone hangs up]

Ben: It’s funny he wants to keep talking to us yet his idiot yard-boy Pete can’t wait to stop listening.

Sammy: It really is sending mixed messages. 

Ben: That was ten out of ten as crazy as it gets!

Sammy: I hope you’re right.

Ben: There’s no way we top that tonight, he is olympic gold medal winning levels of crazy.

Sammy: Okay, you aren’t wrong, but I’ve also learned to never count out anything in King Falls.

Ben: Huh, want to make this interesting?

Sammy: You wanna bet?

Ben: Just a, a friendly wager.

Sammy: I don’t know, I’m just not sure, I mean can you ever really count out any of this stuff?

Ben: Ten bucks man, call it! If you think something is going to top HFB3 tonight that’s easy money.

Sammy: For scientific purposes, I am in.

Ben: Ooooohh! Suckah! Rainbow lights, UFOs, electrolocaust? He’s literally the last person on the face of the earth I would trust with a potato gun! Much less a-

Sammy: A possible weird-ass weapon of mass destruction?

Ben: Correct. You will be funding my breakfast, sir.

Sammy: We’ll see. So moving on, another call?

Ben: Yeah. One more short one before the break. Line five, welcome to King-

Caller: Oh yeah? And I’m telling you to get the hell of my land if you don’t have a warrant!

Ben: Ron Begley?

Ron: This is my property, that lake is my property- And you can get the hell out of my face! 

Sammy: Hmm, still sure about that ten bucks?

[The sound of buzzing, talking, and sirens in the background]

Ron: Ah, stupid government… Hey guys, you there?

Sammy: Hey, Ron. You’re live with us, sir, what’s going on?

Ron: Hell if I know. There’s a sh-(beep) ton of unmarked cop cars pulling up and making a god awful racket. I was sleeping, and it was a sweet dream of John Stamos, until these donut eating sacks of dogsh-(beep) woke me up! Please tell me you guys know what the hell is goin’ on.

Ben: Uh, Ron, we haven't heard a thing all night. Especially out by you and Kingsie. 

Sammy: You said they’re unmarked, they’re not with the sheriff’s office?

Ron: Not that I can see. It would have been one, two, three… three, four, five of these x-filey f-(beep)-s now! And not one of em will even look at me. Just charging on past me to the lake and it’s like, it’s just me up here, you know! I don’t need the damn sirens squealing-

[The sound of sirens]

Ron: Here comes another f-(beep)-ing one! Come on!

Sammy: I’d put the ten dollars I’m about to win on Howard Ford Beauregard and his Dr. Evil rainbow lazer.

Ben: Not so fast with the money, Sammy, but I don’t think you’re wrong.

Ron: Hell no, look at that pinskirt! Agent Scully you are not, sister. 

Ben: Uh, I’ll call Troy for you Ron, hang tight.

Sammy: Wait a minute, do you think this has something to do with the body Herscell and Cecil found a couple weeks ago?

Ron: Don’t bother calling him, Ben. And the hell if I know, Sammy. These pigs just can’t come onto private property and start doing as they please. All they have to do is talk to me, damn it! I’m an American! I don’t have to put up with this crap.

Ben: You don’t want me to call Troy and find out what’s going on?

Ron: Nah, cause the goofy son of a b-(beep) just showed up! Troy! What’s going on here?

Troy: I came as soon as I heard, Ron. These guys are F. B. I..

Ron: I don’t give a flying f-(beep) if they are President Lyndon B. Johnson’s personal pants makers! Hey! Yeah, you! Don’t step on those- not only are they environmentally safe, but they are pleasing to the eye! Hey! I’m about to go have some words with the Mr. and Mrs. doing to foxtrot on my begonias. Talk to Troy.

Sammy: Bye, Ron. Be careful out there.

Ben: Begonias?

Ron: Glad they sent the b-team out here to deal with this sh-(beep).

Troy: Hey fellas.

Ben: Troy, what’s going on over there, man?

Troy: I only came up to alert Ron about the alphabet boys coming, but apparently these g-men and g-ladies beat me to it.

Sammy: It sounds like bedlam out there, Troy, what is going on up there, do you know?

Troy: My buddy, I’m not completely sure I could talk about that live on the air. 

Ron: (in the background) I don’t give a damn! Show me a warrant!

Sammy: Fair enough, Troy. It sounds like it’s pretty serious out there? Maybe you’d better go…

Troy: Oh yeah, I’d better go, if Ron keeps getting in these FBI guys faces he’s bound to get tased!

Sammy: Or worse I don’t know if Ron’s the type to take to guantanamo very well.

Ben: Give us a little hint before you go, man! Ron’s tough, he can take it!

Troy: Man, we’re live, right? You know I can’t talk about official police biz anymore on the radio.

Sammy: Ben, would you stop? It’s fine, Troy. Just please go make sure Ron stays out of trouble.

Ben: Damn it!

Troy: Ten-four, Sammy. And you fellas make sure to maybe, I don’t know, give Doctor Jeffery Rosenbloom a call ‘cause he can and should talk about… well, not official police biz.

Ben: Oooohh! Thanks Troy!

Sammy: You are a child.

Troy: Take her easy, guys. These constant rainbow lights are making me real uneasy.

[The phone hangs up]

Sammy: Stay safe Troy. You heard it here, folks, seems like there’s a bit of a commotion going on at Lake Hatchenaw, at Begley’s Bait and Tackle in particular. So if you happen to head that way at this ungodly hour, I don’t know why, then you may want to change your plans. 

Ben: I got Dr. Rosenbloom’s number, Sammy. Should we call him?

Sammy: This is the same Dr. Jeffery Rosenbloom that works at-

Ben: The King Falls coroner’s office. So… should we?

Sammy: I don’t know… he kinda creeps me out. No offense, doc.

Ben: Cause of the zombie thing?

Sammy: I wasn’t even talking about the zombies! I was just talking about him. If the zombie thing were true, which it obviously isn’t, I don’t-

Ben: It was. Troy confirmed it.

Sammy: Troy is…

Ben: Are you calling Troy a liar, Sammy?

Sammy: Not at all, I’m just saying Troy is excitable. Who knows what those two saw that night and-

Ben: I’m pretty sure he saw the reanimated corpse of a John Doe from the lake try to eat Dr. Rosenbloom.

Sammy: Allegedly. That’s all I’m saying, and I’m leaving it at that.

Ben: (laughing) Come on, man! Try to earn that ten spot! Rosenbloom is a fan of the show, I’m sure it’ll be fun!

Sammy: Exciting, even?

Ben: Let’s not get carried away, how about, uh, interesting. Troy dropped us a big fat clue, man! It’s a King Falls scavenger hunt!

Sammy: No.

Ben: After the break we’ll call him.

Sammy: We really shouldn’t bother him.

Ben: After the break!

[Patriotic music plays as the commercial break begins]

Commercial: Hi, I’m Stephan Grisham, resident and mayor of our great little mountain town King Falls. Under my watchful eye King Falls has prospered. Crime and unemployment rates have fallen, and streets are virtually clear of all the apparition gang wars that plagued our beautiful town in the past. Regardless of what certain detractors might have to say, there’s simply no better choice for our town if we want to keep it growing and flourishing. That’s obviously why I ran unopposed the last two elections. Vote Grisham 2016 for a better tomorrow today. I’m Mayor Stephan Grisham, and I approve this message.

[Patriotic music fades, King Falls AM rock music plays then fades out as the commercial break ends]

Sammy: Unopposed the last two elections?

Ben: Don’t get all riled up, Sammy.

Sammy: This is ridiculous! This man is the definition of sleezy, slimy, political rhetoric and very little action. How could anyone with a brain vote for that guy?

Ben: But tell us how you really feel.

Sammy: I can’t. I can’t deal with him right now. And you knew that ad was about to run, man! A little warning, please.

Ben: I will gladly tell you to catch a bathroom break next time we run the mayor’s-

Sammy: Propaganda.

Ben: Political ads, but yes, that too.

Sammy: (sighs) Moving forward-

Ben: (loudly) Dr. Rosenbloom!

Sammy: Come on, Ben, the phone lines are all lit up, let’s just take some calls.

Ben: Oh, one call man. You’re destroying my journalistic gumption with every word. Cronkite, Brokaw, Ben Arnold!

Sammy: Alright you, just call the guy. I know you’re not going to drop it.

[The sound of a phone dialing]

Ben: (cheering) Yessss!

Sammy: (sarcastically) Thanks, Troy.

Ben: Yeah, thanks Troy.

Rosenbloom: Good evening, King Falls coroner’s office.

Ben: Uh, Dr. Rosenbloom?

Rosenbloom: Is this Ben Arnold?

Ben: You bet it is! You are live on the air with Sammy and I.

Rosenbloom: (without emotion) Wowzers. How exciting. To what do I owe this pleasure?

Sammy: Dr. Rosenbloom, there is a commotion going tonight down at Lake Hatchenaw. Seemingly a police investigation? 

Ben: We were told that you might know what’s going on. Is that true?

Rosenbloom: I don’t know the first thing about a police investigation, gentlemen. However, I believe you may be referring to the FBI looking into the body of one Rich McGuff found in-

Ben: Wait, did you just say Rich McGuff has… died?

Rosenbloom: Not in so many words, but his body was found in a lifeless state by two elderly gentlemen out motor boating on Lake Hatchenaw just a few-

Sammy: Herschel and Cecil found Rich McGuff dead?

Ben: This is terrible news!

Rosenbloom: It is rather disturbing to say the least. 

Ben: Kingsie didn’t… uh… you know…

Sammy: He’ll get to it, Ben. Dr. Rosenbloom, uh, would you happen to have the official cause of death for Mr. McGuff?

Ben: Had to be foul play man! Nobody that could grow a mustache that lucious and shiny can have any sickness in him. Please, just please, Dr. Rosenbloom, tell me Kingsie didn’t have anything to do with this.

Rosenbloom: There was no evidence of Kingsie having had her way with the body.

Ben: That’s good news. Oh man, should you even be talking about this? Does Rich’s family know? This is breaking news we don’t wanna-

Rosenbloom: Rich McGuff had no known next of kin to be found, so while it’s definitely sad when one shuffles the mortal coil, at least there wasn’t family to find out about his murder.

Ben: I’m sorry, what?

Sammy: Dr. Rosenbloom, are you telling us that Rich McGuff was murdered? This wasn’t a drowning or…

Ben: This is crazy!

Sammy: A murder in King Falls.

Rosenbloom: Obviously it’s a very concerning matter. The strangulation is what did it in. The gunshots, the knife wounds, the bludgeoning were such overkill. Really uncouth in my professional opinion. Once Rich awakened, I tried to speak and see if he knew who had done such heinous and despicable act, however there was only a slight hissing but guttural sound emanating from the exposed chest cavity

Sammy: What?

Ben: Dr. Rosenbloom, are you saying that not only was Rich McGuff murdered, but he also turned into a zombie too?

Rosenbloom: We don’t like to use the ‘zed’ word in the office, but yes, the body of Rich McGuff did reanimate after some time and stimuli.

Ben: Sammy take your ten bucks man, you win!

Sammy: Am I understanding correctly that Rich McGuff turned into one of those…

Ben: Zombies!

Sammy: Reanimated corpses like the John Doe?

Rosenbloom: You are correct, Sammy. Mr. McGuff being the tenth such instance in the past year since the Hatchenaw Doe is a pretty exciting time to be alive, believe you me.

Ben: Or undead.

Rosenbloom: That as well. However there really is nothing behind the eyes after the initial passing. The lights are on, knock knock, but nobody is home. It is the ultimate metaphorical ding dong ditch.

Ben: Wait, you said tenth instance? What the f-(beep) is going on here?

Rosenbloom: Apart from the obvious, not much Ben. It’s not like I’m quietly amassing an army of undead to do my bidding or anything as crazy as that. Aha, ha, ha, hm.

Sammy: (slowly) Okay… I think that’s about as much as I can take tonight. Thanks for the information, doc. Folks, please keep Rich McGuff in your thoughts.

Ben: Or just go down to the coroner’s office and throw uncooked meat at him! He’s a zombie, man!

Rosenbloom: You two are a riot, trust me everything down here is more than under control. I mean, except that there is a murderer on the loose in King Falls. The undead are certainly properly contained and accounted for.

Ben: Oh my… This is the worst!

Sammy: Dr. Rosenbloom, please give us a call should… I- I don’t know, I’m at a loss for words here.

Rosenbloom: I hate to be the life of the party and run, gentlemen, but I hear a slight rustling coming from the cold chamber, and I haven't seen my assistant Zoe in a little bit. Hm. Haha, ha, ha.

Sammy: Unbelievable. Stay safe, Dr. Rosenbloom. We’ll be in touch soon.

Rosenbloom: Duces. And I’m out.

[The phone hangs up]

Sammy: Jack-in-the-Box-Jesus! Can we go to break, Ben? I don’t know what-

Ben: The hotline is lit up, Sammy.

Sammy: The hotline? Do you have an interview scheduled?

Ben: I don’t, man! Only a couple people have that number.

Sammy: F-(beep) it. It can’t be crazier than the last twenty minutes.

Ben: Wanna go double or nothing?

Sammy: God. No. Good evening, you’re live on King Falls AM.

[Dogs yipping in the background]

Caller: Finally! I’ve been dialing your slowpoke asses all night long!

Ben: Archie? For the tenth time, you know if this is an emergency you should call the Sheriff’s office. Or Troy.

Sammy: I think they even have a special number you can call. It starts with a 9 and ends with a-

Archie: I know all about that, you silly Sally. And don’t get snarky with me! I’m literally calling you fools with the biggest damn piece of news in your little radio show’s history.

Ben: What’s going on, Archie? Is it the werewolves? Princess VonBarktooth?

Archie: It ain’t the damn werewolves! Thank heavens. I think the rainbow lights kept their furry butts in their trailer yard thank god, probably doing furry trailer park things… I’m sure they’ll stop now since the rainbow lights are gone.

Sammy: I’m sorry, did you say the rainbow lights are gone?

Archie: You bet your buttered up ass they are! I mean it just happened so maybe-

Sammy: Ben, you wanna check this out? Archie, thanks so much for breaking this news, this is a big deal!

Archie: Well, you’re welcome and such, but that ain’t the story you’re gonna be on your hands and knees thanking me for.

Sammy: There’s more?

Archie: Oh you bet your custom tailored britches there is! You see, oh my! They’re gonna to be sending the King Falls Gazette to take pictures soon! Oh I just know it! I need to get gussied up and fix my hair and put the Princess’s tiara on. So much to do, so little time I-

Sammy: Not if you don’t tell us, Archie.

Ben: They’re gone, Sammy! I can’t believe it, after two weeks the UFO’s lights just up and leave without- anything?

Sammy: Oh man, the bronys are going to be so disappointed.

Archie: May I speak now? I mean I don’t wanna interrupt your damn rainbow lightbrights commercial.

Sammy: Sorry, Archie. Ben, Archie was just saying that he has more news, it wasn’t just the lights leaving.

Ben: Is it good or bad news?

Archie: If you closed your damn trap I’d tell you. 

Ben: Trap closed!

Archie: Well, I’d been soaking in my bathtub for just the longest damn time. Rufus and I were watching youtube videos, trying to lock down that stanky leg dance. Have y'all ever heard of that?

Sammy: Stanky leg?

Ben: I don’t know, keep going, Archie.

Archie: Well, long story short I mighta stanked it up a little too much and I pulled a hammy so I was taking a hot bath when I hear the loudest damn banging outside. I thought it mighta been the wolves, or even worse, the puppy babies come back, so I limped out as quick as I could, and at my door was the craziest thing I ever saw!

Sammy: Which was?

Archie: A fully nude man! Just dangling and banging on my front door and asking me for help, and I mean not a stitch of clothing on him.

Sammy: I have to believe that isn’t the craziest thing you’ve laid eyes on.

Archie: Well in this instance yes, trust me.

Ben: Archie, you didn’t sign up for Billy Sherwood’s naked yoga, did you?

Archie: That’s none of your damn business, Ben! But I might have. Anyway, this was a man that needed some help. More-so, I think it was a man you boys might want to talk to.

Sammy: Um… okay, and who would that be?

Archie: You boys better appreciate this! Cause I could’ve called Channel 13 or any other news outlet in town-

Ben: Channel 13 isn’t a news outlet, man. The main eleven o'clock news story was about the slushy machine getting retired at Nick’s Exit 13 Oasis. But we do thank you for calling us first, Archie.

Archie: Y’all just remember who loves you b-(beep).

Other Caller: Are these the men that can help?

Archie: Here, darling, take the phone. These boys will get you sorted out.

Tim: Hello? This is Tim, uh, Tim Jenson. Do I know you? Can you help me? I- I’m trying to find my way home, but… I just can’t remember where home is.

[An eerie tone transitions into the King Falls outro music and credits begin.]

References:

Brony: a male My Little Pony fan

Furry: I’m not explaining that one…

John Stamos: an American actor

X-files: science fiction television show

Agent Scully: X-files character

President Lyndon B. Johnson: a US president

Foxtrot: a type of dance

Begonias: a type of pink flower

Alphabet Boys: people who work for the government

Guantanamo: a US military prison in Cuba

Cronkite: an American journalist

Brokaw: an American journalist

Characters:

Ben Arnold, Sammy Stevens, Howard Ford Beauregard III, Ron Begley, Troy, Dr. Jeffery Rosenbloom, Stephan Grisham, Jeffery Rosenbloom, Archie

[cobalt-knave]

King Falls AM Transcripts

Ok there are really good fan-made transcripts for the podcast, but they are really hard to find unless you already have the link or know someone who does. So hopefully, making this post will make them a little bit easier to find by searching?

Here is the link to the transcripts which goes up through episode 100.

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1l6loH9lHJ59QkDTQF0-NNz4ECvzDQBtG?usp=sharing

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode 9: Jack in the Box Jesus

View on Google Docs

Summary: September 1, 2015 - An alleged sighting of the Lord & Savior at a downtown fast food restaurant has the residents of King Falls ready for deliverance, meanwhile Sammy & Ben try to navigate the flood waters of this revelation.

[podcast intro music]

Mayor Grisham Ladies and gentlemen, I promise you that while it is a terrible inconvenience that our modern electronics are out— this is not the end of the world. It could be a refreshing change of pace! Instead of reading, on your tablet, go down to the King Falls library, and check out the real thing! Instead of texting your BFF, go enjoy some pancake puppies at Rose’s! and have a face-to-face chat. This isn’t as bad as it seems— and it could be a blessing in disguise.

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy Good morning guys and dolls, you’re listening to King Falls AM—

Ben —That’s 660 on the radio dial.

Sammy And this is day 13 of what has been dubbed the King Falls Electrolocaust.

Ben This has easily been the hardest two weeks of my professional career.

Sammy It has been tough, but Ben and I want to thank you, and everyone out there listening, for the continuing support of the show.

Ben We got another doozy of a show for you tonight, King Falls. During hour two, we’ll be interviewing Maria Chandler, manager of the King Falls Apple store, and speaking about the effects the shut down has had on business.

Sammy As well as fielding your calls and talking about whatever’s clever this evening.

Ben I miss computers, Sammy. I miss the schedule. Our automated systems, my alarm clock. I’ve went through three the legal pads in two weeks!

Sammy [sympathetic] I know, buddy.

Ben I would literally watch Channel 13 if given the chance.

Sammy Wow. That’s saying a lot.

Ben [softly] I need my life back.

Sammy King Falls, how are you taking the modern electronic shut down of 2015? Are you refreshed? Reliving the mid-90s? Or— are you falling apart like our dear Ben Arnold?

Ben I’d listen to boy bands, to have a working smartphone. I’d wear, puka shell necklaces and sell my pog collection,[1] if you give me five minutes with my email.

Sammy Look on the bright side, Ben. You’re spending all your free time down at the library, and I haven’t called you out on it!

Ben That’s calling me out on it.

Sammy Eh-Well- and you know it’s nice hearing the birds tweeting instead of @kingfallsam. I’m not saying I don’t miss it but, I’m enjoying this a little bit.

Ben ♫It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with yoouu♫[2]

Sammy The references are not gonna bring back your goods.

Ben [hurt] Dammit Sammy, let’s just take a call from our jury-rigged phone system.

[bg music being provided by Chet’s record player]

Sammy You’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia Yeeaah, I wanna talk about the outages.

Sammy Cynthia Higgenbaum, ladies and gents. How are you doing during this electronic crisis?

Cynthia [blissful] I feel the warm embrace of the chastity belt that’s been placed on society. I’m relieved, de-stressed, marvelous!

Ben *chuckling* Whoa, heh, that’s- that’s a heck of a change!

Cynthia [suddenly aggressive] What are you trying to say, Ben?

Sammy It’s just you’re usually- you’ve been a little… pessimistic in the past.

Cynthia [mostly calm again] Ohhh, I still have problems; I’m full up with issues. But right now, I don’t have to worry about what websites my husband is perusing, what brain-dead TV my kids are watching— I’m at peace! It’s just me and my harlequin novels. Plus, with Jesus back and all—

Ben [jokingly suggestive] 50 Shades of Cynthia

Cynthia [angrily] Don’t be filthy Ben Arnold! I Know Your Mother!

Sammy I-I’m sorry, Cynthia— did you just say that Jesus is back?

Cynthia [gossipy tone] Have you guys not heard the news?

Ben Is she talking about Jesus Jesus?

Cynthia There’s only one.

Sammy Wellll, I think Mexico would disagree, but please tell us why you think Jesus—

Cynthia [snappy] I don’t think Sammy, I know! [softer] Earlier this evening, he was spotted glowing and speaking in tongues at Jack in the Box.[3]

Ben The one off Main Street or Red Oak Avenue?

Cynthia Ew, nobody does to Red Oak.

Sammy [softly] Jack-in-the-Box-Jesus.

Cynthia Oh, Hell no! I will not participate in that blasphemy. You’re gonna get smited—

Sammy Oh, I- I mean- I wasn’t- I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to, uh—

Cynthia Tell it to Satan! In Hell, Sammy! [hangs up forcefully]

[dial tone]

Ben This is big.

Sammy [slightly reluctant] If you or someone you know has had a sighting of *clears throat, Ben laughs* Jack in the Box Jesus please give us a call. Uh, 424-279-3858

Ben You’re on King Falls AM.

Deputy Troy Now I know what you’re thinking: how could the second coming of God’s only son happen and ol’ Troy here didn’t clue you in.

Ben Not what I was thinking.

Sammy What do you know Troy?

Deputy Troy Well I got a suspicious persons call out at ol’ Yack[sic] in the Box around 9. So, I hit the lights and cruised over to see what the fuss was about. And lo and behold, back by the dumpster with a mess of people looking on— there he was.

Sammy Now, are you really telling us that— [still reluctant] you saw, or, you believe you saw the son of God and the King of Kings bangin around outside the Jack In The Box?

Deputy Troy Well, he was a man. Somebody’s son, no doubt. Bearded. Good lookin’, if-if you’re into that sort of thing. He had a robe on—

Ben [cutting in]We can solve this right now. Was he white or was he black?

Deputy Troy He was more of a greenish color. Like a glow really.

Sammy The man had an aura around him.

Deputy Troy It was shinier than a damn Fukushima foxhound, fellas. Like, I felt a need to put on the old aviators, but I- I didn’t want to be cliché.

Sammy Alright, Troy. So, work with us here; you’re in the back of the Jack in the Box, there’s a uh, a Jesus-type guy—

Deputy Troy Just-a-ramblin’ on.

Ben Speaking in— tongues?

Deputy Troy Speaking in somethin. The last time I heard gibberish like that was comin’ from the back of my Chevy with Shell Snyder’s daughter.

Sammy So what happened next?

Deputy Troy Well a group of looky-loos had descended, as I said, and since it was only me, there was no perimeter set up yet. So I start ta approach this glowing Christ and somebody— Roy Higgins if you gotta know/— hollered out “It’s Jesus!” and the whole parking lot just went bonkers!

Ben Well, di-did you speak to the guy?

Deputy Troy Damn skippy. I told Roy that this was official police biz. And he shouldn’t be squawling around like a little baby.

Ben No, Jack in the Box Jesus.

Deputy Troy Oh, well no. I- I turned around and he was gone. Split right off into the woods, I suspect.

Sammy Did you follow him?

Deputy Troy Sammy. So you’re tellin me that you’d follow a 6-foot-tall and glowing perp into the woods??

Sammy [muttered] Point taken.

Ben So any other sightings?

Deputy Troy Well, not as of yet. But there were so many people they could’a had a revival in that parkin’ lot. So I’m guessin’ that’s how word spread so quickly. And without internet, too? That’s pretty damn impressive.

Sammy Is there an APB out or anything?

Deputy Troy For what, dilly-dallying around with a jumbo jack? He wasn’t doin nothin bad. Just acting a fool— Lord forgive me— where he shouldn’t’a been.

Ben And glowing.

Deputy Troy That’s right.

Sammy Well, please let us know if get any more info on this, Troy. We’d appreciate it.

Deputy Troy You bet. I’ll be sure to keep you boys and the listenin’ public informed. But if you should happen to stumble upon Jesus? Do not approach, bother or pester. You just call up Ol’ Deputy Troy.

[hangs up]

Ben …or your local church. [dial tone]

Sammy Deputy Troy, ladies and gents. Now we’re just going to take a quick break and hear from one of our new sponsors: Carl’s Candy!

Ben Yeah I don- I don’t think we should play this

Sammy What? Ads pay the bills remember?

Ben Folks, as a workaround with all the tech issues, uh, I went out and recorded a few spots of some of our sponsors- uh, new and old. Emphasis on Old, after this one.

Sammy Okay, so the audio is bad.

Ben *sucks in breath* You could say that.

Sammy This company’s paid up! They’re scheduled in one of your many notebooks. Let’s do this. We’ll be right back folks.

[slow, creepy xylophone music]

Carl [voice is soft and creepy, like you expect from a guy who offers kids candy from the back of a van] Do you know why they call it a blow pop? I sure do. And if you come on down to Creepy Carl’s Candy, I’ll fill ya up! I mean in. [whispering] It’ll be our little secret.- A sweet tooth is a terrible thing to waste. Come find a new sugar daddy to butter your fingers at Creepy Carl’s! Come in and grab a sack of Carl’s Boston baked beans while you’re at it. Oops, one fell in my pocket. Free if you can find it! *Ben groaning “oh no”* Every child’s welcome at Creepy Carl’s, big mouths, small mouths, white mouths and brown mouths. We’re equal opportunity! And just cause they shut down the ol’ brick and mortar doe’n’t mean you can’t buy it from my van. Be sure to ask your parents’ permission first, kids. Creepy Carl’s Candy, where the suckers don’t suck themselves. [Police sirens]

Deputy Troy [through megaphone] Carl, turn off your ignition. You are too close to the school zone.

Carl I gotta go! Catch ya later [tires squealing]

Ben [desperate, in bg] The mic!

[sirens fade out]

Sammy … Never again.

Ben I tried to tell you.

Sammy I know. Let’s never speak about this.

Ben [whispering] I need a shower.

Sammy *sigh* …Moving forward, we were just talking about a sighting that happened a few hours ago around the 9 o’clock hour, just off Main Street. It seems quite a few people believe that we may be experiencing a religious phenomenon. Perhaps the second coming of–

Ben [slightly gruff impression] “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years!”[4]

Sammy *chuckles* Right, let’s go to the phone lines.

Ben [happily] That was good though right?

Sammy It was good. Good evening, you’re live on King Falls AM.

Reverend Hawthorne Ask and ye shall receive! King Falls-uh. It is the gooD Reverend Xavier “Right. With. Gaawwd-uh” Hawthorne.

Ben Reverend Hawthorne? Are you back in town?

Reverend Hawthorne [speaking over Ben] The One and Only, and we are turnin’ the wagons arounD as we speaK-uh. And we’re headin’ back to my flocK-uh. How’re y’all feelin’ tonighT, King Falls- I said How are you, Feelin’!

Sammy [softly] We’re feeling alright.

Reverend Hawthorne Praise GoD-uh! Hallelujah! Now a little birdie, uh-just chirp’n on my shoulder, told me there was a SighTing. A Vision. Dare I say it, eyeballs were laid on our Lord and Saviour at a burger joint in our fair city.

Sammy Yeah, about 9 o’clock here.

Reverend Hawthorne Could it Be-uh! that our 5-week-revival worked. Could it Be-uh! that our prayers have been brought forth the lamb of God-uh. Can I get an amen!

Ben Reverend Hawthorne we—

Reverend Hawthorne Amen! This miracle-uh, this sight from our God-uh, perched on a Mountain of Sanctity, says that he is ready to lead-uh, his most Highly Favored, Congregation bacK to the promised land. Gimme some organ, Deacon Reggie [organ music begins playing in bg]

Sammy [aside] Do you think Reggie has to wheel that thing around just in case?

Ben This is getting good.

Reverend Hawthorne Play it dirty, brother. We are going Home-uh. Take us back to Calvary, take us BACK-uh! … Samuel, Benjamin may I ask you gentlemen if you have a relationship-uh with the Author of the E-ternal Sal-vation; [organ goes silent] [softly] are ya saved?

Sammy I’m—

Reverend Hawthorne Then let me tell y’all, [organ starts again] because if you aren’t-uh, I’m coming back to town. One weekend only, the Xavier “Right with GoD-uh” Hawthorne Experience will be wheelin’ bacK into King Falls Fairgrounds this very night-uh. We are hoping to get One- On- One with the Risen Christ and start preparin’ for Kingdom Come. But just like old Xavier, you gotta come on down-uh so we can get you TurnT uP With GoD-uh. [click, dial tone]

Sammy Xavier? Hello?

Ben He’s, gone. Sammy.

Sammy Well, you heard it here first folks. Xavier Hawthorn’s Travelling Roadshow is coming back to town. Will Jack in the Box Jesus make his stage debut?

Ben [muttering] Tch- Jesus.

Sammy Literally.

Ben Do you think we could get an interview? Would it be Mr. Christ? Or-

Sammy Something tells me that there is something more to the story than what we’ve heard so far, Ben.

Ben Tsk. I get that, but this is King Falls, Sammy.

Sammy What a perfect place to make a return: a rinky-dink town with no internet.

Ben Line- [muttered] dammit, there’s only one line. Uh, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Archie Good evenin’ fellas!

[small dogs barking in bg]

Sammy Is thi-

Archie It’s Archie Simmons!

Ben He-ey Archie, how’s Princess Von Barktooth?

Archie Well, I do have news concernin’ the princess, and I just want to possibly recant some info from our previous call a few weeks back.

Sammy About the werewolves?

Archie Correct.

Sammy Wow. I mean, you sounded pretty convinced that you saw a werewolf.

Archie And now I’m saying that maybe I was misinformed.

Sammy I think you should probably tell Troy and the Sheriff’s Office, Archie.

Archie *giggles* You silly Sally, Troy’s on his way over now

Ben Why the change of heart, Archie?

Archie Well, new information has come to light boys, I mean with the Divine One making his triumphant, and let’s be honest, dramatic return to King Falls.

Sammy You’re talking about the glowing man at the Jack in the Box?

Archie [softly] Let’s be real here, it’s the J-Man, of course a heavenly carpenter would pick King Falls. So many projects to keep busy with.

Sammy [dryly] Uh-huh.

Archie Plus, with the princess and this new information, we have to believe this.

Ben You keep saying that, what’s going on with the princess Archie?

Archie She’s in a delicate condition.

Sammy Oh, of course. I mean she’s been through a lot.

Archie *giggles* No Sammy, I mean she’s with child. Ch-children. Puppies? There’s a bun in my $2400 oven boys!

Sammy Wait. She’s pregnant? From the werewolf attack?!

Archie [softly again] Well, that’s the thing. While I believed in my heart of hearts that the hillbilly beast from the trailer park had gotten to the princess, I think…

Ben What. What do you think Archie?

Archie I mean it was dark, I know it was a full moon but I was scared and recently awakened, sleep in my eyes etc. and so on.

Sammy You don’t think it was the werewolves.

Archie I’m thinking with this new evidence and the fact that I saw a long-haired, bearded man in a Biblical Act— Yeah I-I- I think- there’s a chance it could have been [whispering] the man upstairs.

Ben [stern] Upstairs from whom?

Archie Mankind! Come on Ben, get with the picture!

Sammy He’s saying that because there’s been a holy sighting tonight- which we should all be a little bit doubtful of- then maybe it wasn’t the werewolves, but the Alpha and the Omega.

Ben No! NO WA- That’s too much, Archie. You saw the werewolf. He looked you in the eye and howled at the moon.

Archie I don’t know what kind of weird things Jesus is into.

Ben No way. This is ludicrous.

Archie You just wait and see Ben! The princess may have lost her Westminster dreams, but it was all part of God’s plan.

Ben We’ve got to go Archie *laughs* you’re crossing a line that we cannot cross at King Falls AM.

Archie Judge Not, lest ye be judged boys. Kardashians[sic] 3:16 or a Psalm or something. I think Troy’s coming around the bend anyways boys, laters!

[click, dial tone]

Sammy You know? When I walk in the door every night I say to myself, “Nothing’s gonna surprise me tonight” And more times than not, I am just Dead Wrong.

Ben Let’s give the phone a rest for a moment, Sammy, the record player is just begging to be used.

Sammy *chuckles* Not a bad idea Ben.

[phone pings]

Ben What? *gasps* My phone! [several pings] OHH it’s back baby!

Sammy Me too! What’s going on?

[pinging continues]

Ben What’s up! Oh my God, I could literally kiss the apparition of Steve Jobs.

Sammy Hey, I’ve got a text here, Unknown Number.

Ben Okay, what does it say?

Sammy “I- I know why this happened. I know how to stop it. We need to talk“

Ben What?

Sammy No, that’s what the text said.

Ben You don’t think this has anything to do with… Thank You, Jesus.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References:

[1] Pogs - Pogs, generically called milk caps, is a game that was popular among children during the early-mid 1990s. The name pog originates from POG, a brand of juice made from passionfruit, orange, and guava; the use of POG bottle caps to play the game preceded the game's commercialization.

[2] “It’s tearin’ up my heart when I’m with you” - Lyrics to the song “Tearin’ Up My Heart” by NSYNC, an American boy band from the mid-90s

[3] Jack in the Box - American fast food chain, primarily along the west coast and southern states.

[4] “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years” - lyrics to the song “Mama Said Don’t Knock You Out” by LL COOL J (also came out in the 90s)

[ronbegleyformayor]

in my opinion it should not be a controversial statement to say that podcasts should be accessible

[goddardsfuturistics]

Episode Ninety-One: In The Still Of The Night

It has been a hot minute since I’ve posted here! Just wanted to let you know that after the last episode (man so much has happened) it ended on such a note with Mr. X, but I struggled to understand some of it so I began writing a transcript which can be found here. There are a few bits missing, highlighted in bold - feel free to comment if you know what was said! I am also hoping to go back and transcribe the rest of the episode but for now it’s just the final scene. I hope this helps anyone who may need it! 

TLDR; Google Docs Transcript

[kkorny]

Episode Seventy-One: Long Distance Relationship Transcript

(Note: First off to explain how my style of transcriptions work, a word in Italics means that the word is said with a different tone or Lily’s interludes in this episode. The Bold means extra emphasis on the word, generally anger/annoyance or just raising their voice and the name of the character who’s speaking. (Brackets) means extra sounds like laughs and sighs or background sound. Honestly, the quintessential King Falls AM episode. It’s has Sammy angst, supernatural weird/creepy stuff, Ben being a supportive good boi, Troy and his variety of original metaphors, Grumpy Herschel and SADNESS. And this episode shows how much progress Sammy has made in Episode 85. Lastly, the man, the myth, the cryptid Trent Shumway effing kills it in episode. Not only does he voice so many characters, each character is unique. Herschel’s role in this episode alone is worthy of an Oscar.)

(King Falls AM Theme song plays and the sound of a walkie talkie)

Herschel Baumgardner: Code Hotel Bravo to Delta Tango. I see the barrel of your boom-stick but you're aiming a tad bit high. Bring her down to your six just a smidge. (Walkie-talkie sound)

Sammy Stevens: Herschel, we implore you that we do not condone violence of any kind! Can you- (sighs) can you please not do anything involving-

Ben Arnold: Mister Baumgardner, what Sammy is saying is don't.

Herschel: That looks much much better. (Walkie talkie sound) Now what are you taint-tickles squawking about?

Sammy: About the fact you and Cecil are seemingly about to ambush!-

Herschel: Goddamn it, Shotgun. I didn't mean anything by that "taint-tickling" comment. Don't take it personal.

Sammy: I wasn't going to, until you said that!

Ben: Mister Baumgardner, please don't do any rash or stupid tonight. We-we are begging you.

Herschel: (WT sound) Delta tango, wait for my signal. I'll count you in. Copy? (W-t sound) Now what in a dick-filled Dixie cups are you two talking about, Ben Arnold? Did you just call me stupid?!

Ben: No!

Herschel: Son, I will drag you out of that radio station by your Bvds, rip off your arms and do the dead man's Macarena.

Ben: I didn't call you stupid!

Herschel: Goddamn right you didn't!

Ben: I called this secret mission stupid! It sounds dangerous and ill-conceived at best.

Sammy: Herschel, we cannot knowingly let you carry out some late night hit live on the air. If you and Cecil could just call off your ambush and talk about this, we'd appreciate it.

Ben: Greatly!

Herschel: What does Cecil have to do with any of this? And the time for talk is over and done with. (W-t sounds) On my signal we light this little bitch-ass.

Sammy: Should we call Deputy Lynch, Ben? I'm at a loss on this. Herschel, we will call the authorities if we have to. Please do not make us.

Herschel: Muzzle up, Comrade. We have movement. (WT sound) Lights in the back just came on. Stay low and stay silent, and put your biscuits in the oven cause we're about to butter em up. Hotel bravo, out. (WT)

(Crashing and door opening sound)

Greg Frickard: (Scared and confused) Uh, hello? (Steps forward) Hello? Is anybody out there? (Gasps) Sir Hopps-a-lot?

Ben: Holy- Are Mister Baumgardner and Mister Sheffield about to-?

Herschel: How many times do I have to tell you?! Cecil ain't with me, ya goofy little shit!

Greg: (calls out scared ) I hear you! Oh I hear you. Listen um I will um I will call (voice starts cracks) Sheriff Gunderson. And he will come over and oh he will end you. So you you come out and you show yourself. And you will probably leave(?)

Ben: Listen you can't do this Mister Baumgardner...

Herschel: We can't let this froggy freak make it back to the house! Fire at will! Light em up!

Sammy: Herschel no!!

(Sound of Paintballs firing and Frickard getting hit)

Herschel: Laughs) Peppered his peckered ass with those goddamn paintballs.

Sammy: Paintballs?

Ben: Oh dear god... I thought they were about to Murk his frog-loving ass.

Frickard: Oh god... you could have at least used green. You know that’s my favourite colour.

Sammy: This is still not right...

Herschel: I’m out, string-bean. Get down hamburger hill and let’s book.

Walkie talkie sound)

Wouldn’t waste a good bullet on that sorry son of a bitch!

Sammy: Herschel... why on earth are you sneaking around in the middle of the night and shooting up places of business with paintballs??!

Herschel: Hurry your lanky ass up! Mister Toad’s choad ain’t gonna be pissed in his pajama jams all night. He’s probably already on the phone with Gundy.

Troy Krieghauser: Sorry I’m here! Let’s book it Danno.

(Sound of car streaking away)

Ben: Wait is that...?

Sammy: Ok what in the hell is going on here?

Troy: Uh are you are you on the phone?

Herschel: Hell yes I’m on the phone and don’t go citing me your police number mumbo jumbo about using hands free devices because you ain’t a cop.

Troy: Uh who ya talking to? Is that Mister Sheffield?

Herschel: Hell no it ain’t Cecil. You know he wanted to stay home and rest. It’s your dumbass radio buddies.

Sammy: I can’t believe this...

Ben: Why on earth? You are live on the air mister-

(Sound of phone hanging up)

Ben: Sammy, what are you doing?!

Sammy: We had a bad connection,

Ben: No we didn’t?! We just heard a-

Sammy: -Prank call! Right Ben?!

Ben: I don’t see how mister Baum-

Sammy: -Right?!?!

Ben: Right... How silly of me to think that was something that actually happened and not an elaborate joke by someone impersonating a couple of our favourite callers...

Sammy: Great voice work! Some would say award winning.

Ben: I have to agree.

Sammy: (Sighs) That was way too much excitement.

Ben: Fake excitement!

Sammy: Right right you are correct. my goodness can we just go to break? Can we please just make that happen?

Ben: No can do! We got another couple minutes, Sammy. Also we got a call in from-

(Interrupted Sound of phone ringing)

Sammy: From the hotline?

Ben: Actually no with Dwayne Libbydale from Libbydale farms in about twenty minutes or so.

Sammy: But until then?

Ben: Hotline. Yes answer the thing! Who knows what other pranks are afoot out there?

Sammy: You are live on King Falls Am with Sammy And Ben.

Ben: It has such a nice ring to it doesn’t it?

Sammy: Enough...

Troy: Yawns) Oo woo wee. Howdy fellas! Long time no talk. Just woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep so I-

Herschel: don’t you dare say you were getting some make believe shut eye with me. The only person I knock boots with fake or otherwise was my dear sweet Edna. God rest her soul.

Sammy: ... Hey Troy. Sorry you couldn’t get back to sleep this evening.

Herschel: Goddamn Millennial nonsense. With your verbal shit posts. I expect more from a man in uniform, Krieghauser.

Ben: Is that your ornery Herschel Baumgardner alarm clock, Troy?

Troy: Well well I see I didn’t finish my story!

Sammy: Please do tell Troy!

Troy: First things first. Sammy?

Herschel: Sammy?

Troy: It’s good to hear you back on the air after all that mess with that dirty so and so. No you know what I’m just gonna say it! That dirty son of a bitch! He had no right no right at all to do that to you bud! I’m sorry you had to deal with it like that.

Herschel: Stevens? Why can you talk to those sorry sons of bitches and I can’t?

Troy: Like old Ben said, who you love or who loves you don’t matter one damn bit. I know I liked you from the very start and I consider you a brother and a best friend.

Sammy: I- i really appreciate that Troy.

Troy: Don’t think another thing of it! You got enough waiting on your mind to be thinking about what small towns and small minds might think of you. You’re a good man and that’s the only thing that should matter when it comes right down to it.

Sammy: I agree 100% percent Troy. And thanks for being you. You are a great friend.

Herschel: What’s he saying?

Troy: Second of all, now that the important stuff is out of the way. I’ve been catching up with old mister Baumgardner down here at umm Rose’s

Ben: Uh huh let me guess you’ve been-

Troy: Been here the last hour or so give or take.

Herschel: We just pulled up to Rose’s. Did you fall on some poisonous briar patches up there, Deputy?

Troy: Been here at Rose’s all night, Mister Baumgardner.

Herschel: Son Of a bitch, I ain’t deaf. I was just saying that- Yeah yeah! I like your style, Troy! Been here eating this godforsaken slog all the Mfing night.

(Sound of door opening)

You want something?

Troy: I’m good. Thanks Bud. Be in in sec.

Herschel: Watch it with that Bud stuff you lousy high-crossed Andy Griffith.

Troy: Anyhow, couldn’t sleep so I went up here for pancake puppies at Rose’s, found Mister Baumgardner up here. The end. All night long. The last hour or so I mean.

Ben: You yawned when we answered the phone, Troy.

Troy: Gosh darnit Ben. It’s late and I’m so gosh darn sleepy. And loose lips sink ships, ‘member Bud.

Ben: You’re right you’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just you know better than to wake up during these crazy hours and have pancake puppies with Mr Baumgardner.

Sammy: Even if its greatly appreciated, Troy. It still isn’t the smartest thing to do, you know?

Troy: Well I needed these Pancake puppies something awful bois. I had a big old hankering for heeping pile of justice and maple syrup.

Sammy: Syrup and Justice aside, please stay safe out there buddy.

Troy: Will do now I’m gonna go catch up with Mr Baumgardner and-

Ben: -and fill him in on your exciting evening?

Troy: Ben, this ain’t no laughing matter. Cut. It. Out, Joey Gladstone.

Ben: But you know better than to go and-

Troy: Have Rose’s in the middle of the night? You’re right! I do know better. I also know right from wrong. And I like righting wrongs too. Sometimes all those things come together. Just not tonight cause I was at Rose’s.

Ben: Understood.

Sammy: Troy…

Troy: I don’t need that tone Sammy. I know what you’re going to say. Sometimes pancakes puppies are best sold cold but in this case they’re served better not at all but I have to disagree with you there.

Sammy: I trust your judgement. Just again please stay safe out there there’s only one of you.

Troy: Loretta would say thank goodness for that. You boys take ‘er easy tonight and hopefully we can catch up all proper like.

Sammy: I hope we catch up soon too, future Sheriff.

Troy: Hey Sammy? About that sheriff stuff?

Ben: Everything ok? You’re not you’re not thinking about dropping out are you?

Troy: Heck nah! Hell I just filled out my paperwork down at City hall just yesterday morning.

Ben: Yes! This town needs this. Needs you!

Sammy: What’s up if it’s not you-

Troy: You know Sammy? You and I have been tighter than a python hugging an Opossum since you drove into King Falls. Wouldn’t you say?

Sammy: You were the very first person I met from Town, Troy. I recall it fondly.

Troy: Then you should know It would mean an awful lot to me and I mean an awful lot if I could count on your vote for sheriff come this November.

Sammy: Troy... of course I’d vote for you..

Ben: You heard it here folks Sammy Stevens will be here in November to vote.

Sammy: Damn It Ben.

Troy: Look I know you’ve got a whole hell of a lot on your plate these days. Damn dirty dealing with Frickard. The stuff about you know...-

Sammy: Jack.

Troy: Right.

Sammy: Right.

Troy: Jack Wright. I get it. I reckon it’s been on your plate for a lot longer than the past little while in all actuality.

Sammy: I understand what you’re saying, Troy. I just I really do wish-

Troy: I don’t think you do. I know you came here for him and I heard it and all just like the rest of the town. (Sammy: I’m sure.) But damn it all Sammy! I get that you’re hurtin, I truly do! But do you think that going back to California is gonna fix you back up? Get you right? I just don’t believe that and I don’t think you believe that either.

Sammy: It’s not about getting fixed up. There’s just there just isn’t better for me without Jack. Look I know you guys mean well-

Ben: We love you, Sammy. The whole town loves you. What are you going back to in the big city?

Sammy: It’s not the whole town first of all. And it’s not about the town Ben, it’s it’s so much more than that.

Ben: Than your friends?

Sammy: Ben...

Troy: Sammy? Ben is right. I know you said you was giving up but we ain’t gonna let you. Not today, not tomorrow, not never and not nohow.

Ben: I know we can find Jack, Sammy. Damnit I know we can!

Sammy: (sighs) Guys, this is a conversation for another time.

Troy: It just ain’t right. And I can’t with a good conscience let you go without saying my piece. You deserve better than being alone, Sammy.

Sammy: I disagree.

Ben: Well, you’re wrong.

Troy: Look at it like this, Sammy. I need all the help I can get in the upcoming election. A vote is a vote and we all know that everyone counts especially here in King Falls. Not only that but you’re a voice of the people.

Sammy: And so is Ben.

Troy: Well, when Ben needed us most, the town got together and did all we could to help a brother out. And to Ben’s credit, he didn’t put a Trump wall in between him and that help.

Sammy: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Ben Arnold is a hell of a guy, we all know that and it’s quite obvious that he’s a hero to boot. Not everybody is. Not everybody can be.

Troy: All I’m asking is that you stick around a little while longer and let us do the same for you. Get your head right and get you better.

Sammy: Right.

Ben: He’s just asking you to let us in. Give us time. Let us help. Just like everyone that’s been calling the last two weeks has been saying.

Sammy: Guys, no! Now let’s move on past this...-

Troy: Well Hell’s bells, Sammy! You know I ain’t gonna get a fair shake in this election. I’m gonna need all the help I can get from my co-best bud!

Sammy: I just can’t do it, Troy!

Troy: Dollars to donut holes, Sammy! I’d give up running for sheriff in a heart beat if it took away your pain!

Sammy: I understand but I need both of you to understand that I can’t do what you are asking me to do.

Ben: Won’t do. Not can’t.

Sammy: It’s the same thing, Ben.

Ben: I’ve got a new contract from Merv sitting on your desk.

Sammy: I threw it away. Let me tell you I’m getting sick and tired of you leaving them around everywhere. Alright?

Ben: Well it’s a good thing I printed out enough copies to kill Sweetzer forest.

Troy: And deforestation ain’t a good thing Sammy.

Ben: All it takes is one signature.

Troy: This is the last time I’ll say it. But I am gonna say it. I know you’re ready to give up and run away. I know it and I get it to some degree. When I got the badge taken away from me, I felt more lost than a puppy raised by polecats. But sittin-

Sammy: Troy please it’s not-

Troy: Let let let me finish. But sittin in an empty apartment back from where you’re from, ain’t gonna bring back Jack.

Ben: But we can. There’s no doubt in my mind, Sammy.

Sammy: Ben...

Troy: Look you might be right, Sammy, the odds are stacked against us and we all know it. But you didn’t haul your cookies to this one horse town to give up. You stayed in King Falls with the hopes that you’d get Jack back into your arms. Now I know that hasn’t happened yet but it damn sure is possible and you can’t forget about creatin a fantastic life here. Even if it wasn’t what you wished for. But it’s a life with friends that love you. We all wanna hear you broadcasting nightly on 660 am. And we’re all gonna put in an extra bit of elbow grease to make that happen and more importantly make you whole again!

Ben: Troy is absolutely right, Sammy, and I know you’re tired of hearing it but I’ve working on something-

Sammy: I am tired ! -What?

Ben: i have started a thought journal and I think there’s more than enough evidence.

Sammy: Goddamn it Ben! Are you serious?!

Ben: What?!

Sammy: A thought journal?!

Ben: Well at least it’s not a notebook?

(Sammy signature Uh huh noise)

Ben: Ok maybe it is and maybe I called it a thought journal to sneak it by you but regardless... I’ve been busting my ass on it day- And you said to make our time count and I’m doing just that. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends working with Emily.

Sammy: NO.

Troy: Sammy..?

Sammy: Do not Sammy me Troy. I I appreciate what you’re saying it it means a lot to me. I hope you know that. But for the last time, I can’t do what you’re asking me to do.

Ben: Sammy?

Sammy: I’ll deal with you in a second, Ben.

Ben: I’m sorry? Deal?

Sammy: Troy? When was the last time you were at my apartment?

Troy: Uh I don’t know?

Sammy: Right. Think about that.

Ben: What does that even mean, dude? I was at your place in January.

Sammy: Ok perfect example then. How do you like my place?

Ben: What?

Sammy: Its it’s a simple question. How do you like my apartment, Ben?

Ben: it’s fine. I mean it’s it’s just an apartment.

Sammy: Exactly that. It’s a couple rooms with some of my shit in it. It’s just an apartment because isn’t my home.

Ben: King Falls is your home, Sammy.

Sammy: No! I live here. I rent space here. Home is where the heart is and my heart is in the void with Jack Fucking Wright.

Troy: Alright alright I think maybe we should table this conversation and pick it up at another time, boys. We’re just doing laps in the please Sammy stay 500.

Sammy: I cant be here without Jack. I don’t wanna be here without Jack. I don’t want to be anywhere without Jack. Period.

Troy: Buddy...

Sammy: I-i love you guys and I even love this crazy town even though I failed. One of the many times I’ve failed but this one hurts the most. I I should’ve been able to save him.

Ben: You weren’t going to waltz into town not knowing anything about King Falls or the paranormal and just find Jack. That wasn’t in the cards. Ever.

Sammy: I did NOTHING and I did it for three goddamn years, Ben.

Ben: You helped me save Emily! That’s not nothing! You you helped me be the man I need to be. That’s not nothing.

Sammy: I sat here every night and pretended to be something I’m not. Hoping... hoping that Jack would waltz back into my life. Safe. Sound, Mentally. Well. I called places. I drove around. I looked online. I did nothing. It meant nothing.

Ben: So you’re saying we’re nothing to you? That all the friendships we’ve built don’t mean anything?

Sammy: I’m not saying that.

Ben: It sounds like that’s exactly what you’re saying.

Sammy: I’m hurting. I’m dying. I need to find Jack or I need to give it up. I tried one and now I’m doing the other.

Ben: You did one badly.

Sammy: Are you serious?!

Ben: You said it yourself! You that you looked for Jack badly. I told you there was no way you would’ve been able to do this alone. Knowing nothing about this shit!

Sammy: You don’t get to say that.

Ben: I don’t get to say that? I’m repeating you word for word! And I think if anybody gets to say that, it would be me.

Sammy: Don’t make this about you and me, Ben. It it is so much more than that.

Ben: Don’t make not finding Jack about you and King Falls. Let us help you, let us heal you. Good god, Sammy! You’ve hurt alone long enough. Stay in this goddamn town and let us at least try to make you better. You’ve made a life with us, man. Keep it!

Sammy: No.

Ben: Well I’ll ask you to stay until the day you drive off and don’t think I won’t do it.

Sammy: Ok! And you can do that Ben. But don’t get your hopes up! And for your sake, by god, put the put your thought journal new notebook away and quit bringing Emily and Troy into this.

Troy: To be fair, I brought myself into this.

Ben: And I’m not gonna stop with the notebook.

Sammy: Ben, I’m not playing with you.

Ben: I’m not playing with you, Sammy! You can’t just walk out on me, on us and expect me to do nothing! To grin and bear it. You’re making a huge mistake by leaving. I think your only mistake in this matter. But you’re free to do that.

Sammy: Ok, well thanks for letting me know I can leave.

Ben: I don’t want that, Sammy. I want you to stay more than anything. But I can’t force you to. Just like you can’t force me to stop looking for Jack. Even if you’re gone.

Sammy: Watch it.

Ben: Stop dad-voicing me, Sammy, I’m a grown man.

Sammy: Did you tell you height that?

Ben: Mhmm so funny. You can’t stop me from looking for him. I brought back Emily and damnit I will bring back Jack.

Sammy: Throw that notebook in the trash and stop this nonsense!

Ben: I’m gonna keep writing a save Jack notebook. Just like I did for Emily. In fact I’m gonna fill up every fucking notebook in town until I bring Jack Wright back to King Falls. Mark my words!

Troy: Boys boys hang on a spell. I think we got a situation here.

Sammy: Ben I’m not going to have you putting yourself in danger. Again. Not for me. Not for Jack. You you can’t do this.

Ben: Well I guess you better stay to stop me.

Troy: Shitfire boys!

(Sound of car door opening)

Ben and Sammy: What?!

Herschel: I hope you brought a real pistola Sheriff 40! Because we’re about to go blast some MotherFuckers to king of Kong. Son of a bitch!!!

Troy: Herschel, what in the world?!

Herschel: Ain’t got time to yak, deputy Dipstick! We’re riding out!

(Sound of car skidding away)

Troy: I ain’t got my seatbelt on!

Ben: What what what is going on, Troy?

Sammy: We aren’t through talking about this Ben.

Troy: I better go boys Herschel is driving like a Dale Earnheart out here. Herschel. There are bush’s there for heavens sake.

(Crashing sounds)

Herschel: and now there’s ain’t bushes there. Motherfuck. Don’t fail me now, Grand Cherokee.

Troy: Jack in the Box Jesus. He’s gonna drive us off a damn cliff.

Herschel: Are you still talking to Vladimir Putin and his miniature buddy Ben Jong Un? You talk more than Trumpy tweets on the can. Get off the phone and try Cecil!

Troy: Mister Sheffield?

Herschel: Did I fucking stutter? Give me that Nokia!

Troy: Keep your hands on the wheel. Oh my lord! I ain’t ready to meet Saint Peter Of San Pedro tonight.

Herschel: Shotgun? Ben?

Sammy: Herschel, What in the hell is going on?

Ben: Mister Baumgardner I know you’re a little excited but we’re actually kind of in the middle of thing here regarding Sammy and King Falls. Would would you mind-

Herschel: -Oh for the love of Napalm. I need to speak to an adult. Shotgun?

Sammy: Herschel.

Herschel: Look I know you got caught doing things that would get you tossed right out of this man’s army back in the day.

Sammy: Yeah I don’t want this.

Herschel: But that don’t mean a damn thing to me. I know you’ve got a backbone. I’ve heard you stand up to bad men for years. I’ve heard you stand up to... bad other things too. Right here on the radio.

Sammy: Herschel

Herschel: You’re a badass is what I’m saying, Stevens. I’d have you watching my six any day of the week, regardless of what team you fight for. You get what I’m saying?

Troy: Herschel, my lord, watch out for that mailbox!

Herschel: I saw the fucker. Now it’s airmail. Happy? Calm your ass down, Copper. What I’m saying is this world needs all the good men it can get. And I need you to back my ass up right now, kid.

Sammy: Ok I appreciate that but I don’t understand what you mean…-

Ben: How how can we help back you up?

Herschel: I need you two buffoons to stop fighting about Shotgun staying or leaving and try to get Cecil on the line. And I mean on the double, boys!

Sammy: Ok but...-

Herschel: -No buts. Cecil’s in deep deep dog shit and I’m busting my ass to go save his. Maybe you can do the same thing for your man too, Stevens. But right now get your head out of your ass and CALL CECIL!

(Phone hangs up)

Sammy: Ok i don’t understand.

Ben: I don’t either. Let’s just let’s call Mr Sheffield!

Sammy: Deep trouble? It’s three am? I-I thought they said he was sleeping?!

Ben: Well 3 am and trouble go pretty well together here, you know? Ok I got his number.

Sammy: You don’t think this is about Frickard do you?

Ben: It can’t be... I just I can’t think he’d retaliate and go after Mr Sheffield.

Sammy: Ok folks we are gonna take a real quick break here. Please stay wth us while we hear from our lovely sponsors. We’ll we’ll be right back.

(Archie’s Pomchi palace jingle starts playing but soon becomes increasingly distorted, slowed down and filled with static. Aka the scariest fucking audio recording ever when the Shadow Man says “Soooooon” at the end of the recording. Also a weird sound at the end of the “Soon” sounds like an echoey “hey” could be a secret Easter egg (maybe Jack or Mike?) and a second less long “soon”. And how they turned a catchy tune into a thing of nightmares. Static fades out but still there)

Ben: -to come and check on you.

Cecil: I’m just fine and dandy, Ben. (Static starts increasing again)

Ben: Wait... the commercial stopped? We’re back on the air?

Sammy: Cecil, can you hear us alright? There’s some static.

Ben: Sammy, we’re live again dude. What the hell happened to Archie’s ad?

Cecil: I kinda hear you, Ben’s friend. This connection ain’t the best.

Ben: Why why did Mister Baumgardner have us call you? Do you know?

Sammy: It sounds like Herschel is breaking every driving law in the books to get to you. You you don’t know why?

Cecil: I really ain’t so sure. He called and asked if I wanted something from Rose’s diner. And then got all freaked out on me.

Ben: Did he say why?

(Sounds of the shadow man in the background start and Cecil’s voice starts getting possessed)

Cecil: He told me to get out of the hHoOuse. And wait for him by his tree. Ben, something about Shadows.

Shadow Man: Shadows.

Cecil: Shadows...

Sammy: Did you hear?

Ben: I’m sorry Mister Sheffield. what was that?

Shadow Man: I better go...

Cecil: I better go. And wait for Herschel.

Shadow Man: (Groans a bunch)

Ben: Holy...-

Sammy: -Shit.

Cecil: TeLl HiM. Turn around Ben. Don’t let Herschel come in here. I got a bad feeling, son. I don’t think I’m...

Shadow Man: (Echoey) You Will Obey.

Cecil: ObEy!

Sammy: You gotta call Herschel. You gotta stop him.

Ben: I’m on it. How did they- that’s the guy right?

Sammy: Cecil, c-can you hear me?

Cecil: I hear you just fine, SaMmY.

Sammy: Oh shit.

Cecil: Looks like-

Shadow Man: -A VeSsEl.

Cecil: (eerily calm) Herschel is here, Sammy. I’m gonna go out and see what the big to do is about.

Sammy: (starting to panic) Cecil, don’t do that. Stay here on the phone with me please.

Cecil: I can’t do that Sammy Stevens.

Sammy: Cecil I-I know you can fight it. Whatever his is I-I heard it fight it stay with me. Stay with us.

Ben: They just pulled up to Herschel’s place and damn it!

Sammy: Cecil let’s let’s talk. Let’s talk about Esther.

Shadow Man: Find it. Fight it!

Cecil: (goes back to normal for a little bit) Esther? Esther Rollins? Well she’s my girl, Ben’s friend. Has she called in?

Sammy: Uh yeah she she has. We just talked to her, Cecil.

Cecil: Oh Ben’s friend… I miss her so much. I keep this little crocheted heart she made me.

Shadow Man: She’s here, Cecil with mE. With us. Would you want to see her? (Echoey and weird demonic laughing in background)

Cecil: I want to see her real bad Ben’s friend.

Sammy: Fight it, Cecil. Do you hear me? Talk talk to me. Fight it.

Cecil: Fight?

Sammy: Yes yes fight it.

Ben: Herschel doesn’t know what to do man. He he wants to go in. Should he go in?

Sammy: No!

Shadow Man: Yes!

Debbie: No!

Jack/ unknown voice: Help me!

Cecil: I don’t feel so good, Ssms Friend.

Sammy: Herschel cannot go in there Ben.

Shadow Man/Cecil: CoMe SaVe HiM, sAmMy.

Sammy: Cecil? Save save who? Let him go, you son of a bitch!

Shadow Man: JaCk. WrIgHt

Sammy: (shocked and scared) What?

Ben: Cecil?

Sammy: YOU LET HIM GO!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?!?

Ben: Sammy what is?-

(Shadow man laughing)

Cecil: He said Esther was there, Ben’s friend. And Edna. And Debbie. They’re all there. I didn’t know. Did did I do something bad?

Sammy: YOU LET HIM GO!

Cecil: I don’t feel so good.

(Shadow Man roaring)

Sammy: C-Cecil? Can you can you hear me Cecil? Cecil?

(Knocking at door)

Debbie: I need more time!

(Sound of door breaking in and Cecil falling on the ground)

Herschel: Call an ambulance Troy! I just watched Cecil hit the floor! Son of a bitch! DON’T YOU DO THIS TO ME, Cecil! You hear me, Buddy?! You can’t do this to me. Not again... GODDAMN IT. NOT YOU TOO... Come on Cecil. Please don’t do this. You’re all I’ve got.

(End of the episode, ends with beautiful but sad piano music, Credits roll)

[king-falls-underground]

Good morning Third parties and residents of King falls, its been a hot minute hasn’t it? Well that’s because here in the Underground we’ve had a change of plans regarding releases of our episodes. So from now on we were going to release episodes of the underground on the 5th and 20th of every month. This is to make the underground slightly more visible and also provide you listeners with the upmost up to date with the newest releases from the station.

Another thing that you might have noticed but we now have accessible and available transcripts! These will update every time our episodes do so we allow anyone to come and enjoy this pet project of ours.

Ko-fi / Catch up here

[sabetha]

Favorite Podcasts: King Falls AM

Nice doesn’t even begin to describe it. I mean, the little shops, the scenery, it’s literally a mountain Mayberry. Oh, you have no idea. We’ve been voted best small town in America six years straight by the King Falls chamber of commerce. ...The town voted the town, best small town in America? I’m not sure that’s the way it works, Ben.

[inevitablyuncertain]

it's really telling of this series that the first thing i want to do after finishing it is to re-listen to it

[doug-eiffel-deserves-better]

hey. so today while streaming.... i created the worst thing ive ever seen. welcome to why.jpg a collection of things you probably never wanted to see and im still not sure i want you to see

@coffee-milks these characters need help

[lucifer-kane]

HELP IM LOOKING FOR THE KFAM TRANSCRIPTS AND

[kingfallstranscripts-blog]

Episode 18: Make King Falls Great Again

Sammy:Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to a very special daytime broadcast with Sammy and Ben.

Ben: We are live at the Main Street park celebrating a very special day with what looks like the entire town.

Sammy: I gotta tell ya, while I've got my doubts about the veracity of the claim today -

Ben: Don't.

Sammy: Let me finish...this defiantly brings a smile to my face and warms my heart to see this massive turn out. So many familiar faces...and voices. This is a big deal...

Ben: Yeah, Sammy, it is a big deal. Can you name another town in history that's been voted best small town in america 7 years straight?!

Sammy: Legit? Or just by the Chamber of Commerce? 

Ben: ... that's besides the point.

Sammy: I think that'st he actual entire point, Ben. This is propaganda. 

Ben: Don't! 

Sammy: But very lovely propaganda, no less. 

Ben: Don't go all "conspiracy theorist" on me. You don't even believe half the stuff that walks right on through our radio station door! 

Sammy: You know what, you're right. I'm just gonna punt this care package of sense and reason right out the door and instead celebrate our towns storied history like a patriotic citizen. 

Ben: That is good to hear. 

Sammy: You're ridiculous. 

Ben: It is what it is man! Regardless of who voted on this, I believe it is the best small town in america. 

Sammy: And you know that is what really counts. 

Ben: You see that parade, Sammy? How can you be pouting over statistics with a parade like that?

Sammy: It was a beautiful parade. I'm not completely sure that the day-time strippers from Sassy's House of Ass should have been along side the rest of the floats, but... not my call.

Ben: I will concede you that point. Although! A big shout out to Karen's Craft Corner for best use of paper mache on that stripping pole. 

Sammy: *chuckles* Folks, I know you aren't used to hearing out voices in the daytime, but if you are in the area, you should really come on down. It's a hell of a party here. Fair type atmosphere, there's balloons for the kids, lots of heart stopped cholesterol laden treats. 

Ben: Plus! The official coronation starts in less than TEN. FRIGGIN'. MINUTES people and you don't wanna miss it. So put some stank on it, and high tail it downtown.

Sammy: (monotone) So... I know that I have to introduce the mayor.

Ben: (mimicking monotone) Can you please hide the excitement from your voice, Sammy? We don't wanna cause a panic.

Sammy:*chuckles* As I was saying, I know that's coming up in just a few minutes, but you do have a guest for us before -

Ben: YOU KNOW IT. This is really special. 

Pete: (in the distance) King Falls AM? I can't believe those two jokers are still on the air! I say, we boycott! Rally everyone! Storm the tower! *starts chanting* Take them down! Take them...everybody, everybody, come on now *still chanting alone* Take them down! Take them down!

Sammy: Who the - Pete Meyers?!

Pete:...no. No, uh, it's - oh hey guys I didn't see you broadcasting there. 

Ben: Whatever, Pete. Why don't you put your leash back on and go hang out with Howard Ford Beauregard. 

Pete: The third! I don't know why you don't acknowledge it. It's important, it's part of the name. And... I can do what I want.

Sammy: Let it go, buddy. Uh, you were saying about the guest...

Pete: Shows you! He ain't even here, anyway.

Ben: Oh,right. What was I thinking? Vampires hate the sun, right? Of course he wouldn't be here, my bad. 

Pete: Right! I mean...no- wha? No! Vampires? What?

Ben: Exactly! You heard it here folks! Another King Falls AM exclusive. Howard Beauregard's own gardener confirms -

Pete: Sensationalist liberal media! (voice fades as he walks away) I am never watching you broadcast in the park ...

Ben: GOOD! 

Sammy: Hey, Ben? 

Ben: Oh, uh, right right. Uh, you aren't gonna believe this, Sammy. Seriously, we are in for a real treat. Joining us right after this commercial break? I'm literally shaking look at this. 

Sammy: Alright, enough suspense Ben! Reel in this fish. Also, please say it's Merv the station owner.

Ben: Come on, Sammy, I can produce guests. I can't produce miracles. 

Sammy: Worth a shot. 

Ben: Good luck with that. But, uh, anyway, right after the break - King Falls very own *mimics drum rolls* RICH MCGUFF FROM RICH MCGUFF'S LEATHER BOUND BOOKS.

Sammy: ... you just used that much build up - 

Ben: Dude, you have no idea! Rich McGuff does not come out in public. He's like King Fall's own Howard Hughes. I can count on one hand how many times I've actually seen him in my life time. 

Sammy: And you got him?! That is pretty impressive, Ben.I guess.

Ben: They say he has the essence of a 1980's Tom Selleck. And the libido of well, uh... like uh, a young Tom Selleck.  

Sammy: So one could say he's the young Tom Selleck of leather bound books? 

Ben: Oh man he's gonna love that! Can I tell him, do you mind?

Sammy: But does he have the mustache?

Ben: Sammy... if you've ever seen a more elegant mustache than Rich's? Well, *scoffs* then, you're lying. Because it's magnificent. Spellbinding, even. 

Sammy: Right after the break?

Ben: After the break! 

Sammy: That was your cue to go to break, Ben.

Ben: Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about that glorious, sculpted facial hair. You know I couldn't grow a mustache like that in a million years...

(sounds of crowd cheering and clapping suddenly)

Sammy: We are on schedule, right? 

Announcer over loud speaker: King Falls Own... Dusty Reynolds!

Ben: We are - uh - you know what? Let's use the power of technology to jump over to the main stage where Dusty Reynolds is about to perform. He can sing us to break!

Sammy: Sounds like a plan.

Ben: King Falls, we'll be back live from the Best Small Town America celebration in Main Street park right after the smooth sounds of my personal friend, Dusty.

Dusty: *starts strumming guitar* *in country voice* ♪Javier the pool boy, you have ruined my life. You used to clean my filters now you're banging my wife. Oh, Javier, hey Javier... I hate you. Donald Trump said you should go back where you came from. And after seeing you with my girl I don't think he's so dumb. Hey Javier oh Javier... I hate you. Wish that you would just disappear! Oh man I wish you were dead. And when I think of you and Gloria I wanna put a gun to my head. Oh Javier, hey Javierrrrr. I (censored) hate you ♪ *crowd cheers*

Ben: Oh, uh- sorry about that. Here's a word from our sponsors.

 *Upbeat Piano music*

Hi. I'm Sammy Stevens from 660 on the radio dial. The kind folks at the Chamber of Commerce know that our elderly friends at the King Falls Geriatric Center can't make it down today. Especially after the handicap ramp closures... so please enjoy an afternoon with your favorite King Fall's ivory tickler, Ed Shambley. Ed is graciously taking the day off from Nolan's Drugstore to come play from his self released smash, "Peanuckle Shuffle". From what I've heard there's no better way to get ride of the colostomy bag blues. From "Uh-oh I Can't Get Pp" to " I Think My Grandson Stole My Savings Bond" Ed Shambley will keep the King Falls Geriatric Center rocking, rolling, and mall strolling to the hits. Happy 7th Best Town Small in America, ladies and gents. 

 Sammy: Welcome back to King Falls that's 660 on the AM dial. We've got a -

Emily: Hi, Ben! Hi, Sammy! 

Ben: Hi, Emily!

Sammy: Hi, Emily! Come on up here. The lovely Miss Emily Potter is making her way up to join us. *quietly* Hey Ben are you sure she's gonna be okay to be around Rich McGuff?

Ben: Oh, good point. I'll make this quick. 

Emily: Hi, guys! Are you live? 

Sammy: We are live. How are you doing today, Emily?

Emily: Oh, I'm just having a great time! These kind of things is exactly why I love King Falls so much. It really is the best small town in america.

Ben: See, Sammy?

Sammy: Well now I'm sold.

Emily: Well I just wanted to tell you two hi and good luck with your special daytime show today! I hope it goes swimmingly. 

Ben: *clearly flusted* Aw, thanks, Emily.It's really sweet of you..,.

Emily: Don't mention it. I'm just happy I don't have to stay up so late to talk to you.

Sammy: *softly* Ohhhhhhh.

Emily: Uh, I - I mean, the show. To listen to the show. I-I love you guys. I, well, I mean - I love, uh, the show. I love the show, and you guys. 

Ben: I'm happy to hear your voice too, Emily. 

Emily: Sooooo, after your broadcast, do you maybe wanna come to Frickards with me?

Ben: YES. Wait- what?

Emily: See, Greg Frickard came by the library booth earlier and asked if I'd like to have dinner after everything is wrapped up at the ceremony. Annnnnd I was hoping you'd come with me?

Ben: That son of a...Frickard. 

Emily: But, y-you don't have to. If you don't want to...

Ben: Oh! I mean, of course I do! It's just...a frog place? I don't really -

Sammy: It's not a conflict of interest, Ben. You know that Granny Frickard's Froggery is just one of our amazing SPONSORS here.

Ben: *dryly, very monotone* It's a delicious place to eat. Put's some pep in my step and... some hop in my heart. 

Emily: So... is that a yes? I...really can't tell. Are you alright?

Ben: I'd love to go with you. Anywhere. Even a - 

Sammy: Ahem.

Ben: ... the best froggery this side of saddle creek.

Emily: Great! So, it's a date! Just come find me after the show. Bye, Sammy. Bye, Ben!

Ben: Did she say date? She said date, right?

Sammy: It sounded like she invited you to a date. 

Ben:... Frickard. 

Sammy: Ben, I don't wanna alarm you, but there is a heavily mustachioed gentleman walking up behind you. 

Ben: Oooohohoho! Oh man, oh man. Okay, okay. King Falls I am so proud to introduce Mr - 

Ernie: *heavy typical New York mobster accent* Heyyyy ya Ben. Hows yous guys doin?

Ben: Ernie Salcedo? 

Ernie: From Ernie's mufflers! How ya doin, pally?

Ben: I...uh...

Sammy: Hi, Ernie! Uh, nice to meet ya, sir. 

Ernie: Nice to make your acquiescence or..what have yous, Sammy. 

Ben: I'm sorry, Ernie, we were just uh expecting - 

Ernie: Rich McGuff! Yeah, he couldn't make it down to the thing, eh, he had some little thing to do somewheres else. 

Ben: Uh, why are you here? 

Ernie: Ohhhh, Rich and I go way back to this one thing that we did for this one guy. Long time ago. 

Sammy: Uh-huh

Ernie: It's a long story you might say. I can't really get all into the encompassing details and what not. Long story short, Rich can't make it. He's, uh, a little tied up/

Ben: *nervously high voice* Like actually tied up? 

Ernie: You're a funny guy, Benny. 

Ben: *same high voice* Uh-huh

Ernie: It's a compliment. Some cultures, when a compliment is paid, the complimented might give some appreciation back...

Ben: I - uh- th-thank you so much Mr. Salcedo... do you want actual money? I-I don't have my wallet on me, but - 

Ernie: Haaaa, this guy. You gotta watch him! He's a regular Don Rickles.

Ben: Ha... is that a compliment?

Ernie: You're almost too funny, Benny...alomst. 

Ben: Uh, uh. Th - uh, thank you, Ernie. You - you are a very large...broad shouldered...intimidating man. 

Ernie: You're a sweet kid. 

Sammy: Well, thanks for letting us know, Ernie. Ernie from Ernie's Mufflers, ladies and gentlemen. For all your... muffler needs?

Ernie: No problem. I gotta go see a guy about a thing anyway. You stay funny. Benny. 

Ben: *whispering* Is he gone? Please tell me he's gone.

Sammy: Are you okay over there, Ben? 

Ben: He didn't leave a fish anywhere, did he?

Sammy: He's gone, Ben. I think your safe?

Ben: Jesus...

Sammy: So, no Rich McGuff? 

Ben: I forgot after running into the Godfather - uh, Godfather of muffler... things?

Sammy: I think the term your looking for is "whosies whatsies" 

Ben: I really wanted to talk to Rich McGuff too DAMMIT.

Sammy: Well, let's just hope that Rich is alright. Maybe you can snag him for the 8th annual next year, Ben.

Ben: Don't get cocky about it, man. There's no guarantees we'll get it again. 

Sammy: Something tells me that it's a lock...

Ben: Phew! Okay...I'm okay, folks! Uh, Sammy? Uh, you better go get ready to announce -

Sammy: *monotone* Mayor Grisham. 

Ben: Yeah, but try to have some excitement in your voice? That'd really sell it. Like you actually like the guy. 

Grisham: How ya doin fellas? This is a fine day. How's your mom, Ben?

Ben: Oh man! Such a great day to be part of King Falls, mayor! Thanks for inviting us to host the uh -

Grisham: Yeah...that wasn't my call. It was originally Storm Sanders, but since he's-

Sammy: Please say off the reservation -

Grisham: That's completely culturally insensitive, Sammy! Have some tact. Since Storm is....ummm, not available to us today...the Chamber of Commerce insisted we go with...you.

Sammy: Believe me, Mayor, we are just as thrilled about this as you are. 

Grisham: Right. I'll see you up on that stage, Sammy. Please make it short and sweet. I've got an announcement to make.

Sammy: Oh, so I should totally throw away the 8 pages of compliments I wrote for ya. Oh, all that hard work right down the drain.

Grisham: Yeah yeah yeah, good stuff, Stevens. 

Ben: Uh, Mayor, before you go, would you mind giving the listeners at home a sneak peak of your announcement? I mean, most of the town is here and they'll hear it live. Could be a cool little thing for the station. 

Grishman: You know what, Ben? I think that's a good idea. A great idea, even. You think this might help mend this mutually hurting bridge between King Falls AM and myself?

Sammy: Mayor? We'd love to get the scoop if you're willing to give it to us. 

Grishman: So, we're good? 

Ben: Water under the infrastructurally unsafe bridge. Sammy?

Sammy: Mayor, if you're happy, we're happy. 

Grisham: That's the spirit! 

Ben: So, Mayor Grisham, after the coronation in just a few short minutes, you're making an announcement? 

Grisham: Absolutely, Ben. After today's crowning achievement of King Falls being the best small town in america and for the 7th year in a row, I don't think there's a better time to let the citizens of this wonderful town know that I'll be running, once again, for mayor in 2016.

Ben: Oh, wow! This is big news! This is a real scoop! This is - 

Sammy: A load of horse (censored) !

Ben: WHAT?

Grisham: Excuse me?! Stevens?!

Ben: Uh *laughs nerviously* uh, what Sammy meant to say is that -

Sammy: *matterly of factly* Is that this is such a load of - 

Ben: Sammy!

Grisham: Jesus (censored) Christ, are you serious right now, Sammy? Are we on the air, Ben? Alright, you guys are "Punking" me, right?

Ben: Uh, w-w-we are... live.

Sammy: So, mayor Grisham, you're announcing your bid for the seat you already hold at the town wide celebration that, let's face it, is far from legit. 

Grisham: Are you- are you doing this right now? What happened to water under the bridge?

Sammy: That bridge literally collapsed under the load of manure you are planning on dumping on to it. Do you announce something special like this at every made up King Falls event, or is this just something special?

Grisham: How dare you! 

Ben: Mayor *laughs nervously* Sammy's been taking a lot of cold medicine. You know how the old 'tussin makes ya loopy! He doesn't even mean this...

Sammy: What did he announce last year at the sixth annual best small town in america celebration? 

Grisham: If you must know, smart ass, we announced the- the uhh -  

Ben:  *slowly like it's just starting to hit him* He announced the 2.5 million dollar add on to the already newly remolded city hall...

Grisham: I..I'd have to - I'd have to talk to Riley first and get the figures - 

Sammy: And what about the fifth annual fest - 

Grisham: You know what, we're done here - 

Ben: Mayor Grishman announced 20% raises for all the King Falls county government employees.

Grisham: Again - gentlemen, I...I need to speak to Riley - I need to figure out these figures. You- you know it may have happened -

Ben: *sadly and softly* This is a sham...

Grisham: Are you happy, Stevens? Is this what you want? To ruin this town for everyone? Bring your big city conspiracy and your trash talk radio to my town? Are you happy?

Sammy: I think anyone that has this much problem with checks and balances is probably shady and worth looking into. 

Grisham: You're a real piece of...work, Stevens! 

Sammy: Coming from you? That means absolutely nothing. 

Ben: Uhhh, whoa, uhh, I know this probably isn't the best time, but you two gentlemen are needed over at the main stage for the presentation and ribbing cutting.

Grisham: One word about this, Stevens. One utterance of your conspiracy fueled hog wash, and I will... AHEM. Ahem. 

Sammy: Oh, I'm sorry, please continue to threaten me live on the radio waves. What was that?

Grisham: Listen up. You listen good. You have you little slice on sensationalized lies with your 12 listeners on AM radio. You stick to the damn facts and go announce King Falls as the best small damn town to live in or, so help me, I will have Sheriff Gunderson drag your ass outta here for preemptively inciting a riot! These people deserve it!

Sammy: And you of course. 

Grisham: You're absolutely right. I love my city! Unlike yourself. Do your job for once and I'll do mine. You two disgust me. And don't think I won't write Merv a strongly worded letter after this! 

Sammy: Yeah, good luck finding him.

Announcer over loud speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a real treat for you - 

Ben: *sighs* Sammy, you should probably go do what ya gotta do...

Sammy: You know that I'm not doing this to - to paint the town in a negative light, right? 

Ben: I do! I really do, but... do you know how much this town needs this? 

Sammy: I do. And I love this town, I love these people. And maybe knowing the truth behind things is hard, but..I'd like to think it's better than living with the lie of it all. This isn't some BS proclamation by the Chamber of Commerce or a marginalized and power hungry schmuck that makes this town what it is... it's the people. It's the town. That's what makes King Falls great, and they deserve to know that.

Announcer over loud speaker: From King Falls AM, 660 on the radio dial, let's hear some applause out there! Mr. Sammy Stevens from the Sammy and Ben show!  (crowd cheering and clapping) Oh, uh, my apologizes, Mr. Mayor,... yes, of course... uh, sl-slight change of plans, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome back to the stage, Mr. Dusty Reynolds!

Ben: What the?!

Sammy: Oh, I'll be back. POST MY BAIL, BEN!

Ben: Wait, what? Sammy! Uh, oh- okay. That was Sammy leaving. He's heading over to the - yup! He's running up on the stage, there...

Grisham: You're done, Stevens! DONE! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR (CENSORED) HEAD OFF!!! 

(Crowd gasping dramatically ) 

Ben: Oh! Mayor Grisham just punched Sammy in the face! What the - (lots of censoring and fighting coming from the stage) Hey! Oh - oh - okay. Sammy just got- Sammy just- ohhhh. That's a suplex. Pretty sure that was a suplex. Sammy and Grisham are on the ground. This is literally like the end of Lethal Weapon. Except no rain... and neither of these men are proficient in mixed martial arts. (more screaming from crowd) HEY! DON'T! Oh, Mayor Grisham just went for a - a round house kick. And Sammy, nope - that - Sammy didn't even have to duck that was a terrible kick. No! Sammy! No, don't- don't- ooooo. How have they not broken this up? SOMEONE BREAK- SHOULD I BREAK THIS UP? (baby starts crying) Wh-where's Troy?! 

Grisham: Someone cut their feed! Cut it! Cut the feed now! 

Ben: I'm not even being biased, I think he's just angry Sammy had that headlock on him so long. La-ladies and gentlemen, I better - 

Announcer: *nervous laughter* There's just horse-playing, folks. Right? Right guys? (more screaming and commotion from crowd) *Sighs* Somebody get the hose. Dusty! Play your damn song already! Best small town in America, my ass...

Dusty: (singing over crying babies, screaming crowd) ♪ Came up to my trailor when I was out of town, lord he took my smile and turned it upside down. Cause I caught you having sex with a rodeo clown. from the size of his shoes, I just can't compete ♪

(Sirens from police cars pulling up - music fades) 

[angstics]

i just want kfam canon-continuation fics in transcript form is that too much to ask for

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Thirteen: Crop Circle Jerk

View on Google Docs Summary: November 1, 2015 - An emergency at Libbydale Farms has Deputy Troy and King Falls AM on high alert. Mysterious lights? Check. Crop Circles? Check. Intergalactic Gang War? Stay tuned to 660 on the AM Dial to find out.

[podcast intro music]

[S&B show intro]

Ben Good evening! You’re listening to King Falls AM – that’s 660 on the radio dial.

Sammy Folks, we are jumping right into it tonight. We got Deputy Troy on the line, live from Libbydale Farms. Hey, Troy, can you hear us alright?

Troy Loud and clear, Sammy. Heard you real fine, too, Ben.

Ben [muttered] Suck an egg.

Sammy Okay. So, Troy. Tell the listeners what you just told us right before we went on air.

Troy Ladies and gents, in all my years— and I mean all of ‘em— I ain’t never seen anything like this! Not even comparatively close to what I’m lookin’ at right this instant. [faint sounds of police radio in bg]

Ben POINT. GET TO IT.

Troy Gosh darnit, Ben. I’m trying to sell the magnitude of what I’m feastin’ my eyes on!

Ben Who even knew you could see Libbydale Farms from so far out in the Kiss Ass Sea aboard the SS Backstabber.

Troy You know G-D well I’m not on a ship nor would it be called the SS Backstabber if I were. Don’t be so damn sore, Ben! Everybody knows I’m sorry! Plus- [kinda shyly] I reckon my ship be called the- USS Super Badass.

Sammy *pointedly clears throat* Troy. Ben. Let’s put our differences aside and let’s get to the matter at hand. So, Troy, you’re live at—?

Ben & Troy Libbydale Farms…

Troy & Ben I’m trying to talk!

Sammy GUYS!

Troy A-a-as I was sayin. I’m out here at the farm and out past the barns just hours ago, Old Man Libbydale called us in, and acres upon acres, boys, have been De.Stroyed out here.

Ben [accusingly] Where were yoouu, earlier this evening, Troy?

Troy Using my keen detective skills and ninja-like mental agility, I can see you’re trying to place me at the scene of the crime, little buddy. However Ol’ Troy was sawin’ logs next to the Mrs. before. my. shift.

Ben While crimes are being committed? *scoffs* Typical.

Troy Now that’s a low blow just be—

[shouting over each other] Ben NO! NO! Troy —low my pistol belt— Ben YOUU— N— TROOYY!— Troy — Ben come on— Ben — T— OHH Troy — this ain’t about the farm— Ben [mocking] OHH YEAHHH- OHHH YOU’RE SOOO— Troy — and you know— Ben —GOOD AT FIGHTING—

Sammy GUYS! GUYS! [“break it up kids”/dad-voice] I understand there’s renewed intensity between you two, but Ben, as co-host of this show and a respected journalist— put it away. Troy, you’re the first friend of the Sammy & Ben Show and a deputy sheriff. You guys don’t have to be best buddies, but let’s please report- on the news story- at hand.

Troy Couldn’t have said it better myself, Sammy.

Ben [hissed] Jesus.

Sammy So, Troy. Old Man Libbydale called you out— Acres of his lands destroyed. How so?

Troy Y’all ain’t gonna believe it, but you know I always shoot you straight… Two words: Crop. Circles.

Sammy [incredulous] Crop circles?

Troy It’s like a live action Led Zeppelin album cover as far as the eye can see! Big ones, little ones. The craziest damn designs you ever could imagine.

Ben Troy, I assume you and the rest of Gunderson’s thugs— I-mean-”deputies”— inspected the circles, and the surrounding areas, for man-made tools? There have been stories that men with boards tied to ropes can replicate what people believe crop circles to look like. Bending the crops at the right angles, etcetera… did you find—

Troy Didn’t find anything, Ben. Not a board… not a footprint… nothin’ but hunched over crops.

Ben So you think—?

Troy Oh, there isn’t a doubt in my mind it’s from the UFOs or those lights. I mean, whichever you wanna call it. No man made these! And in just a few hours to boot!

Sammy Okay. So, has this ever happened here before, Ben?

Ben No! Nor abductions! Not even lights being so close to town. The past few months- have been a hotbed for extraterrestrial activity— it would seem.

Sammy “It would seem”? So you aren’t certain?

Ben *scoff/laugh* I only said “it would seem” so you wouldn’t get all defensive about it.

Sammy Okay, alright. Well, as much as I hate to say it, I definitely feel there’s a lot more than meets the eye here in Kings Falls.

Ben I’m not one to say “I told you so”… But I DID tell you so!

Troy Just so everybody out there knows: Libbydale Farms is private property. So, unless you’re doing the dairy farm tour in mornin’, this is not an attraction for looky-loos. There is an official investigation still ongoin’ here. Plus, don’t nobody need another person gettin’ snatched up by the Martians either.

Ben *smug snort* Martians are from Mars, Troy. They aren’t representative of all extraterrestrials?.

Troy [defensive] Whatever— Ben Nye the Science Guy. I’m headin’ out to the field again. I might not be smart as Ben about the aliens and such, but I can definitely sniff out a spot where the Williams boys will come lookin’ for Mischief and Mayhem. [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy Deputy Troy, folks. Now, I didn’t realize you and Troy were still so angry at one another, Ben. You can’t let that hostility clou—

Ben THANKS, DAD! — We’re just gonna take a break to hear from one of our fine sponsors. Maybe Sammy here can talk to me about the birds and the bees after we get back.

Sammy [quietly] Maybe…

[disquieting, melancholic piano music]

Soft, disquieting voice What if what you thought wasn’t really what you thought you thought? … Ever think of that? … Here at the Institute of Science, we can help you become what you’ve always wanted to become… A better you, for a better mankind! Call us today for a free brochure and a C-meter reading. That’s “C” as in “cat.” … We’re coming King Falls… Be well! … And be ready.

[piano fades out]

[S&B theme]

Sammy You’re listening to King Falls AM and we are opening up the phone lines to you. 424-279-3858.

Ben We’ll be talking about the apparent crop circle- situation at Libbydale Farms. As well as if any of you out there have had any experience with this phenomenon.

Sammy So give us a call or tweet us @kingfallsam. So, you’ve heard our story, now let’s hear yours.

Ben Line 3.

Sammy Good evening, you’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia Good evening? For who? Certainly not King Falls!

Sammy Hi, Cynthia. How ‘bout you tell us how you really feel tonight.

Cynthia Weellll, to be honessst, I’m a little rattled over these gang signs the aliens are leaving on our turf. Literally.

Ben Cynthia— there is no way to tell if those circles are- angry orrr happy! even. They’re *huff/laugh* just symbols.

Cynthia So’s a swastika, Ben Arnold. Get your head out of your tuchus!

Sammy Okay, obviously, we aren’t trying to raise alarms here, Cynthia. It’s just, uh— it’s an interesting story. Especially here in our backyard. Would you not agree? Uh, you know, it’s not every day you can see this kind of handiwork – man-made or otherwise.

Cynthia You two sound sooo happy. We’re getting tagged in an intergalactic war and all of us in the Falls are sitting around at ground zero.

Ben I- don’t think that’s fair t—

Cynthia That’s the problem! You just. don’t. think! It’s all Tim Jenson’s fault, I just know it. We didn’t have any flying saucer, land-tattooing bedlam before he chased those lights.

Ben He didn’t “chase” anything! He was driving from work and called to report on a breaking news story.

Cynthia Watch your tone, Ben. I’ll buy one of those rabid, disease-ridden sugar flyers and toss it in Lake Hatchenhaw. just to spite you!

Sammy Goodnight, Cynthia.

Ben Sugar glider. And- they are. illegal.

Cynthia So are illegal aliens, but you’re just getting ready to throw ‘em a parade! I can’t! I just can’t! [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy Heh, alright, uh… Line 12, you’re live on King Falls AM.

Emily Hi, Sammy! Hi, Ben!

Ben Emily! I–I didn’t realize you were back in town!

Emily I just got back. I was listening on the way in! My mom and I actually drove by the farm and saw all the commotion over there. Police; reporters— big lawn-mower thingies…

Ben Lawn mowers?

Sammy Uh, y’ know, if you don’t mind me asking, Emily, why were you out of town?

Emily Oh, I flew out to Buford, Wyoming,[1] for the annual small town librarian expo! And I had my mom pick me up from the airport since— Ben was on the air.

Sammy Wow. So you guys are in the taking and picking up from the airport stage of yourrr—

Ben Friendship. Is that the- word- you’re- searching for, Sammy?

Sammy [kinda smug] Thaaat was exactly the one, Ben.

Emily *soft laugh* You guys are so silly. But I just wanted to say “hi” and tell Ben I’m back home now!— Oh! And starting next week, I’ve got a whole bunch of fun activities I learned from the expo to start doing at the library! Hopefully we can get some of the scared kids back now.

Ben I’ll call you later, Emily.

Emily Goodnight, Ben! Night, Sammy!

[click, dial tone]

Sammy Emily Potter, ladies and gents. King Falls Librarian and Ben’s… Friend.

Ben [shyly] Yeah-yeah… Lucky Line 1, you’re on King Falls AM.

Greg Hey, guys! It’s Greg Frickard!

Sammy Hi, Greg! You know, we appreciate you running the ads on the show, sir. It’s so nice to meet youuu… uh, over the phone, of course.

Greg Thanks, Sammy! I— think— we’ve- talked before, and uh, glad to run the spot! Me and Granny Frickard love the show! You should hop on down to the Froggery and we’ll hook ya up!

Sammy I might have to take you up on that offer, Greg!

Greg We’d love to have you! You too, Ben…

Ben Greg, you’re a lifelong King Falls resident… w-we’ve been talking about the crop circles out at –

Greg Oh I know. I’ve been listening, but— I was actually calling about- sssomething else— if that’s okay.

Sammy Uh, yyyeah. Sure thing, Greg. What’s on your mind?

Greg Well, I heard Ben and Miss Potter a second ago and they made a— declaration of friendship? Is that correct?

Sammy Oh! U-uh. Is- this about Emily?

Ben [suspicious] Did you- call before, when Emily was in the studio, Greg?

Greg Uh, noo… *nervous laugh* that must have beeeen… somebody else. But is that true, Ben? Are you and Miss Potter just friends?

Ben [terse] Good friends. *tsk* Close. Friends… Real close.

Greg Huhhh! … Well th- okay! That’s all I needed to know! Thanks a million, buddy.

Sammy Hey— Greg. You didn’t have a comment orr—

Greg Oh, no, no! I j— *chuckles* I don’t know the first thing about crop circles and— what-have-you. Uhh, it’s real interesting and all! but- Miss Potter’s lovely voice just… [sighing dreamily] speaks to me. I always just assumed that Ben and Emily were… “bf” and “gf” respectively, *laughs* but… if that’s not the case, thennn…

Sammy Ben? You okay?

Ben I don’t like putting our— personal lives out there in the public eye…

Greg Well, gee, Ben, I’m— only asking because ifff you’re into friendship with the lovely Miss Potter, and— I’m afraid, uhhh, I might just have to be into courtship. *chuckle* Granny wants to see me married before going into the great By-and-By—

Ben Bye-bye to you too! Greg. Looks like we lost line—

Greg I’m still here, pals! Now about that thing—

Ben [click, dial tone] Line 7, you’re on King Falls AM?

Sammy Did you just hang up onnn—

Ben I would never. LINE 7.

Herschel I’d like to place a complaint, rrright this instant.

Sammy Herschel?

Ben Is everything okay, Mr. Baumgartner?

Herschel Would I call into you nincompoops if everything was hunky-dory?

Ben I guess not… No.

Sammy So, what seems to be the issue, Herschel?

Herschel All this yackin’ about G-D UFOs and crop circles, for starters. Makes my damn d[bleep]k itch.

Sammy Sir! This is—

Herschel Did you call me to tell me what to think, comrade? Or did I call you to talk about an issue?

Sammy Please continue, Mr. Baumgartner…

Herschel Thank you. So, I’m out on the lake tonight— got up brright and early, so I could make sure I got my special spot.

Ben “Got up early”? It’s— just now a little past 2…

Herschel You the sleep police?! Ya little bastard… I thought not.

Ben Sorry, Herschel.

Herschel So I’m trollin, out on the… well. That parts Top Secret, boys. But I’m trollin, so I don’t scare the bigguns away, and those g[bleep]ddamn sons of b[bleep]chin’ rainbow lights start blowin’ through the sky. Looked like Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat[2] was fightin’ that big Jap lizard!

Sammy Godzilla? Please don’t use derogatory wor—

Herschel McCarthy[3] would’a skinned your ass alive, you Red[4] sack ‘a sh[bleep]t! Can I tell my story?!

Sammy Of course, I’m just asking you not to—

Ben [quickly] I’m on the button. Sammy. Heh. Herschel’s gonna Herschel!

Sammy Okay. So, you saw the lights tonight…

Herschel Saw ‘em? Hell. They scared the literal piss out of me. Got a trickle down my Carhartts[5] look like the state of Florida. I’m out here naked as a jaybird! Not a fish in sight.

Ben I’m sorry, did you just reference a musical, Mr. Baumgartner?

Herschel Oh, just ‘cause I like some colorful metaphors, means I can’t be refined, Ben?!

Ben I wasn’t— I didn’t– im-imply— I’m-I’m just saying—

Herschel [softly, for Herschel] Ol’ Mrs. Baumgartner, (god rest your sexy soul, Edna), used to love those hippy-dippy singing plays. And I’d do anything to keep in those pants, fellas.

Sammy Oh, god.

Ben Awww. [pleading] Can we get back to the lights?

Herschel That Edna. Oh, lemme tell ya… Oh! Uh, yeah– the damn lights! Yeah, so, I saw ‘em. What the hell else am I supposed to tell ya about it?!

Sammy Well, you were calling to complain about them, I’m sure.

Herschel That’s right! I’d like to report that no-good drunkard! Cecil Sheffield! Called that cumbersome ass-wart damn near 15 times to come bring me a pair of skivvies to no avail! Avoiding my calls and his duties as the co-winner of this damn boat!

Ben It’s— so late, Mr. Baumgartner. I’m-I’m sure he’s sleeping now.

Herschel You would take up with him!

Sammy W-well, Ben’s just sayin’ that he isn’t avoiding you so much as he’s, you know— probably asleep.

Herschel Sleeping one off! Soggy son of a b[bleep]h. He knows if I ring the special line, it’s a damn emergency.

Ben So, you guys have made up?

Herschel Made up my ass! If he’s gonna be “co”-anything with Herschel F. Baumgartner, that tally-whacker’s gonna have to keep up his end of the bargain.

Sammy To be at your beck and call in case you… soil yourself…

Herschel Don’t be crass!

Ben So, you guys are actually sharing the boat? That’s awesome! I figured you only—

Herschel I ain’t sharin a damn thing with that son of a b[bleep]h! Stop stirrin’ the pot or I’ll make what Charlie did to John McCain look like foreplay, Ben Arnold!

Sammy So, to the point. You’re calling to complain about Cecil because he’s sleeping through your time of need?

Ben But! He is corroborating seeing the lights, Sammy! That’s a big deal.

Herschel Just have an intern or something bring me some britches and stop fiddle fu[bleep]ing fuss! 32 long! I’ll be at Begley’s. He’s probably peering out his window lookin for a damn show… I don’t like beige! [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy You’re on King Falls AM with Sammy and Ben.

Riley Please hold the line for Mayor Grisham.

Sammy This again?

Ben *groans*

Sammy You know, I wonder, do you wake him when we say special keywords, or…?

Riley Mayor? You’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Grisham Sammy. Ben. I hate to rain on your little topic of discussion tonight, but let’s shut it down. It’d be much appreciated.

Ben What??

Sammy The always-fair, Mayor Grisham, folks. Remember this come election time next year.

Grisham Do you think that a public servant should have to call the local “Tom & Joe Chucklehut Show” to ask them not to jeopardize a police investigation?

Sammy Do you ever call Channel 13 and tell them what to report and how? We are a topical late night talk show, Grisham.

Grisham Mayor.

Sammy I didn’t vote for you.

Grisham Fair enough. I don’t expect you to respect anything but your own pathetic grab for ratings. Now, regarding Channel 13—

Ben Sorry, Mayor. Obviously, Sammy is flustered. He wouldn’t have used such a bad example if he was thinking straight—

Grisham The answer to your question, Sammy, is no. I wouldn’t call in and tell a reputable news agency how to do their job. BUT, amazingly enough, I continue to have to ask you to stop your rhetoric— seemingly once a month or so. Interesting, don’t you think?

Ben You do realize the only people that watch Channel 13 are drunks that can’t find the remote and animals left alone with the TV on, right?

Grisham Whatever helps you sleep better, Ben. I can tell you for a fact that, right now, Storm Sanders is probably not working a “local yokel” interview and digging up the muck. He’s reporting on city ordinance 29.44371.

Ben Storm is knee deep in a barrel of backyard bathtub hooch during commercial breaks.

Sammy So, Mayor. What is this ordinance? Ya know, since we aren’t reporting the news to your liking, give us a glimpse into what works for you.

Grisham The add-on to the local YMCA? The new menu over at Rose’s! I’m not paid a handsome salary to do your job.

Sammy Oh, right! I forget you think you can dictate what we report on, for free.

Ben Sammy… they’re destroying the crop circles! That’s the ordinance!

Grisham There’s hope for you yet, Ben. Don’t go down with this ship. I’ll put a good word in for you elsewhere.

Sammy You son of a b[bleep]h! You’re destroying the crop circles?! That could be the only thing that brings Tim Jenson home!

Grisham Don’t bring Tim Jenson into this! The city is paying Libbydale Farms a fair share for their remaining crops! But it is in the public’s best interest to mow down this batch of mischief accordingly! Especially after this broadcast.

Sammy *derisive scoff/laugh* You are despicable.

Grisham These affairs aren’t your business to ramble on about… Do the weather! Talk about traffic! I mean, I filled those potholes! Stop making trouble!

Sammy Freedom of the Press. When your assistant isn’t typing out our every word, maybe have her look it up and tell you all about it.

Grisham I can’t wait to hear about it! And here’s a little phrase for you to look up too! OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE.

Sammy Uh-huh.

Grisham Do you think using your connections to officers of the law to report on “breaking news” is fine and dandy, Stevens?? *sniffs* You are perverting the course of this case. Things— especially ongoing issues— aren’t meant to be talked about until all the facts are out there! And you— *sniffs* IDIOTS are playing on the scene, reporting with your bagel-eating buddy! who happens to be a cop.

Ben *scoffs* ‘s not my buddy.

Sammy BEN.

Ben I’m not throwing you under the bus, Sammy. I just hate Troy.

Grisham So, the moral of the story would be, gents… some things require couth. Some things require kid gloves when handling. And most things don’t need to be aired in the public for ratings and entertainment. A perfect example being how, I’m sure Sheriff Gunderson will handle Deputy Krieghauser on his own, for calling into this joke of a show with police business constantly. Doubt you’ll see that done during a press conference.

Ben Uh… is that… really necessary, sir?

Grisham This show is a breeding ground for incompetence, and you’re now dragging your pals down with you. Straighten Up and Fly Right.

Sammy Troy doesn’t need to be punished for you to make your point, Grisham.

Grisham Out Of My Hands… I’ve already had Riley send my opinions on it over to the good sheriff! Now again, I ask you: pick a different topic of discussion. Maybe one that won’t lead to the continued pain and misery for all those around you. Night night, fellas! [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy [quickly] I’m gonna call Troy.

Ben Umm, uh *nervous stuttering* W-we’ll be back after this— King Falls. We’ll- we’ll take some- calls about uhh… *helpless scoff* I guess we’ll- see…

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Buford, Wyoming - “America’s Smallest Town”, Buford is mostly just a convenience store/gas station. The population was 1-2 from ~1995 until it was completely abandoned in 2017.

[2] Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat - Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat is a musical comedy with lyrics by Tim Rice and music by Andrew Lloyd Webber. The story is based on the "coat of many colors" story of Joseph from the Bible's Book of Genesis.

[3] McCarthy - Joseph Raymond McCarthy was a Republican U.S. Senator from 1947 until his death in 1957. Beginning in 1950, McCarthy became the most visible public face of the “Red Scare”, a period in the United States in which Cold War tensions fueled fears of widespread Communist subversion. He is known for alleging that numerous Communists and Soviet spies and sympathizers had infiltrated the United States federal government, universities, film industry, and elsewhere.

[4] Red - Communist

[5] Carhartts - Carhartt, Inc., is a U.S.-based apparel company founded in 1889. Carhartt is known for its work clothes, such as jackets, coats, overalls, coveralls, vests, shirts, jeans, dungarees, fire-resistant clothing and hunting clothing.

[kkorny]

Transcript for King Falls AM The King Falls Chronicles: Part Two

(Note: First off to explain how my style of transcriptions work, a word in Italics means that the word is said with a different tone or Lily's interludes in this episode. The Bold means extra emphasis on the word, generally anger/annoyance or just raising their voice and the name of the character who's speaking. (Brackets) means extra sounds like laughs and sighs or change in emotion. Yes it's extra and took a long time since Wright On episode are longer than normal episodes but I find it helps you hear the characters voices better when you read it. Honestly one of my favourite episodes because I'm a big Lily Wright fan and her lines are so confident & snarky, even when kidnapped, but near the end you can hear her get super defensive and emotional. And Pippa as usual is her amazing self and I hope we hear more from the female duo that can match Sammy and Ben in sass points in phase 2.)

(Darlin I'm gone theme song plays)

Lily Wright: I hope you have a good lawyer and retainer cause you're breaking at least ten different laws and that's just off the top of my head! But you already know that don't you, Sheriff?

Sheriff Gunderson: I don't see how we're breaking any laws, little lady.

Lily: It's Lily! Lily Wright.

Sheriff: Oh we know exactly who ya are, darling. Which is why you're sittin there in that very chair, Miss Wright.

Lily: Actually can you call me Lily? I can feel the condescension setting back feminism at least a hundred years.

Sheriff: (laughs creepily) Ain't she bout as precious as a polecat? A chewin(?) on a sugar glider Steven.

Lily: Maybe more than that.

Mayor Grisham: Now listen, Miss Wright-

Lily: Lily! Let me go!

Mayor: Well actually miss Wright, you are not being detained against your will. Far from it! We just-

Lily: Really, Mayor?! That's interesting! Since I'm here and your office has yet to schedule our interview. Would now be a good time?

Mayor: Whoa-woah-whoa-woah this is just a friendly conversation.

Lily: So you're saying after the lawn kid from that badly photoshopped flyer snatched me from my hotel, dragged me down to the Sheriff's station and threw me into this Goodwill washout. That I can just go whenever I like?

Mayor: Absolutely.

Lily: Then how about Billy the not so kid unlock these handcuffs?

Mayor: Those were just for your protection. We were afraid you hurt yourself. You were getting a little violent...

Lily: You abducted me from my hotel!

Sheriff: Shhh... six inch voices now.

HFB3: This is a waste of time, gentlemen! As I said, she's worth less then Stevens and his man, more backbone than the both of them combined.

Sheriff: (whistles) And a damn sight easier on the eyes!

Lily: I'm charmed, gentlemen. About these cuffs?

Mayor: (laughs) At least she won't punch me!

Lily: Let's take em off and see where it goes huh?!

Sheriff: Now miss Wright-

Lily: Lily!

Sheriff: Miss Wright, it became crystal clear to us in the last month that you'd not given our little town the proper respect it deserves. You see we are a might protective.

HFB3: Not that I'd expect the likes of you to grasp this. But we're the keepers of the kingdom, if you will. And we don't appreciate outsiders snooping around, digging up half truths and speculation, while presenting themselves as in the know.

Mayor: What my colleagues are trying to say, Miss Wright, is while we do care about your program. We are a little bit more interested in the response to our... invitation.

Lily: What? Invitation to what? I can't even get my mail forwarded unless it's a western union telegraph wired to the hotel. (Cuffs clink together) The exploding rose garden in my hotel room... That was you guys?

Mayor: We'd like you to consider being a part of our little... let's just call it a club.

Lily: A club? Like a secret society? Robes and blood rituals? Howling at the moon every third Wednesday? Scratch that, you guys think there are actual werewolves in this town so that one might seem less like a joke and more like a possibility.

HFB3: As futile as it is, try to wrap your narrow dim-witted little mind around the fact that you are much less charming then you think you are, Miss Wright.

Lily: The ladies must love you...

Sheriff: Look we just wanna know that we can count on ya's all.

Lily: Count on me? For what?

Sheriff: I guess Mama never learned ya about curiosity and that old cat. Should we find ourselves in need, it'd be awful nice to make sure we trust ya to have some discretion.

Lily: Uh huh? Discretion? As in not airing the fact that I've been brought in for - what did you call it Mayor Grisham? A friendly chat?

Mayor: Sure. Something like that, Miss Wright.

Lily: So other than the occasional kidnapping, which you know us women folk love, what's in it for me?

Mayor: Unlimited, unfettered access.

Lily: Which I wouldn't have on account of my -you know asking for it?

HFB3: Young lady, you have no idea the breadth of our influence. The doors we're able to open for you here and elsewhere.

Lily: Just so long as you three have full control over my story.

Mayor: No one has full control.

Lily: And if I don't accept your little offer? Just so I have the full picture - I am a journalist after all.

HFB3: My dear, you would not like the answer to that particular inquiry.

Lily: Really? Because I'm a seasoned reporter, I have done a number of stories on various, shall we say questionable organizations. Prostitution rings in Florida, meth labs in Milwaukee, I even dated the American psycho Trump kid for a story (quieter) which I did not get. Hell, I have gotten myself in and out of situations that would scare the faith right out of the Pope. So I'm not entirely sure what the three stooges in America's most paranoid town, could do that would even pose the smallest believable threat?! You three are laughable at best. At worst, you're an abusive power and while that's interesting, it's not enough to make me shake in my boots.

Sheriff: (laughs) That is all well and good. And that kind of sass might play well with city folk, Miss Wright.

Lily: Lily!

Sheriff: But you have no idea what it takes to play in this here sandbox. And before you whip out some smart answer from that pretty mouth of yours, let me just tell ya, I done my own diggin and it's important for ya to know, this here was just a courtesy call. If and we really wanted to scare some sense into ya, we'd pick up that string bean intern maybe even that nice producer lady. I gotta feelin they'd be a little bit more open to being our friend, don't you? You think you got it all figured out cause you've broken men three times yo size. Think you got human nature done figured out, don'tcha? But them men? Peanuts. Hardly men at all. All they cared about was money.

Lily: I will consider what you've said. (Cuffs clink together)

Sheriff: Mighty kind of ya. And much obliged. Oh, Miss Wright? You really ought to consider putting a smile on. Brightens your face up real nice.

(Recording ends and Lily Interlude starts)

Lily: In the first installment of this series, we ended on a bit of a cliff hanger. I was abducted from my hotel after sundown by the local lawn man, Pete Myers and coerced into the King Falls Sheriff's department, where I met some of the most influential men in town. Long time listeners will remember my golden rule: "Never let them drag you out of your hotel without recording the conversation, they may always check your recorder but very rarely your Apple Watch voice memos." Pippa fought me tooth and nail on including the interview at the top of the episode if anything because she was afraid of what the retaliation might be. She's a worrier that way. But all their intervention was shift my investigation. You will remember from last month's show that we decided to stay in King Falls. Think of it as a mini-series on Wright On if you will.  A look at the town and a look at the people. What makes them stay? What brings them home? These won't all be open and shut episodes cause this isn't an open and shut case. There's something strange going on in this little creepy town. It's fledgling ghost population and enough paranormal occurrences to fill the young adults section of the local library. Probably much like yourself, the thought keeps crossing my mind. Who keeps propagating these fantastic stories? These ridiculous claims of werewolves and ghost riders and my personal favourite, skin walkers? I still have no idea what that means. Who could benefit from a town's somewhat torrid reputation if not the very people intent on serving the town or more likely, serving themselves. This month, we delve into the political side of King Falls as we continue our look into the strange and far fetched claims. What came first, the chicken or the egg? The outlandish tourism-inspiring tales or the corrupt political culture that thrives off of them? And listen up boys, I already get notes from the network and notes from my sterling producer who is so much more then a nice little lady. So I don't need any type of input from the King Falls Illuminati. You're nothing but bullies on a playground, children who rule by fear. You and your vague threats and poor understanding of modern English grammar don't scare us.

Pippa James: And if they have any follow up invitations? Lily, where can they send them?

Lily: They can kindly address it to Fuck Off.

(Plays old clips of Ron Begley, Herschel Baumgardner and Steven Grisham announcing their candidacy/ Troy announcing the cancellation of the votes first time around/ Sammy announcing that Grisham was reelected, starts Lily Interlude)

Ron: Then I'm going to go after Steven Grisham's GD mayoral seat. It's time for a coup de time to get his ass out of fucking office!

Herschel: I'm casting my vote for the one son of a bitch in this town that I know I can trust. The one guy who I know will look out for me and everybody else in King fucking Falls. This November I'm casting my one and only vote for Herschel F Baumgardner.

Grisham: I can't think of another town in the history of America that's been named the best small town in America seven years in a row. Can you? Maybe I don't think it's happened before. And those seven years, they were guided by my hand, friends! That's just one of the many reasons I'm asking you. Vote Steven Grisham this November.

Troy: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm deputy Troy Krieghauser with the King Falls Sheriff's Department. I have here an official statement from the King Falls Chamber of Commerce, regarding tonight's election results. (clears his throat) It says: Unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances the votes taken at the four official polling places in King Falls have been deemed null and void.

Sammy: I can't believe this. Folks, Steven Grisham has just been reelected mayor of King Falls.

Lily: Like many other towns across America last year, King Falls participated in an election. I know, real big news, but it seems our favourite mayor with a silver tongue and snake eyes ran unopposed for most of his career. I'll be honest it is understandable. The amount of weight Grisham seems to throw around, it's a wonder anyone would take up the call to run against him.

(End of Lily Interlude)

Pippa: Urgh hold. Please hold still, Mister Baumgardner.

Herschel: Watch it now, you've got your mister's paws all over me there. I'll have you know I'm a married man,(quieter) ya floozy...

Cecil: Edna's been gone for years! You saying she's been making visits, Herschel?

Herschel: Watch what's coming out of your drunk mouth, Cecil! I'm making a point here!

Pippa: Yeah, but I gotta get this mic on you, sir! Besides, you're not my type.

Lily: Are we ready to go, Pip?

Pippa: Stand-by! Okay now guys please remember just to like-

Herschel: Yeah, yeah no cursin, no bad mouthin Trumpy, no threatening to butt-fuck an iguana. I've heard the spiel before.

Pippa: Umm, no no I-I actually wasn't going to warn you about any of that, that's all piece of life stuff that gives the show character. Al-although PETA might take issue with that last one.

Herschel: Well, PETA might take issue with my size 12 100% genuine American leather runnin right up their ass! I didn't fight in every war since WW2 to care about what a bunch of tree huggin, free-lovin, skinny jean wearing hipsters with a man-bun might think.

Pippa: All yours, Lily!

Lily: You're too kind. So Mister Baumgardner, we're here (phone starts ringing) to interview you specifically about the mayoral election in 2016.

Pippa: Lily, is is that your phone?! Are you kidding me?!

Lily: No number listed...?

Pippa: You think that maybe you could turn it off while we're recording like I don't know a professional?

Lily: I-I'm sorry I thought I- it's off now. Sorry, Pip. So sorry about Mister Baumgardner.

Herschel: Oh don't never mind to me, I didn't know you could turn those damn things off. I get more tumblr notifications then one of them SJ dubs talking about that Coney fella. Drains my battery and burns my Baum. But I thought you kids were here talking about the weird happenings in town?

Lily: Right, yes. You think the election doesn't fall under that purview?

Herschel: Yeah I think there's something rotten in Denmark alright, but that's just the way the cookie crumbles around here. You try to stick your balls out for something, get that idiot Grisham out from controlling the town proper and you get screwed ten sides of Sunday.

Lily: So you expected the loss?

Herschel: Can't say I expected it so much as I wasn't as surprised as I should've been.

Lily: So then, why run at all?

Herschel: Why stick my kahoneys out there in the first place? That's what you do for your unit, your home. Ain't nothing gonna change if you don't stand up and do it yourself! Even if you reckon the stakes are stacked against ya. Grisham won all the same. But if me and Ron hadn't run, there wouldn't have been any question! May look like a fool with my shiny ass sticking out for everyone to see  but you don't win a war by jamming a k-bar through Adolf's eye! You win a war by staying in the trenches, causing hell to every damn Nazi ya come in contact with. Then kabob an evil Charlie Chaplin.

Cecil: (sniffs) That was beautiful, Herschel!

Lily: That's...very...poetic, Mister Baumgardner! But to be clear you somewhat expected the loss? Did you think there was any chance Mister Begley would win then?

Herschel: He had a hell of a chance, I think. But then you factor in Sheriff shit-for-brains and that vampire up in his mansion.

Lily: Vampire? Really?! Nope never mind not relevant. Umm, how strong would say the mayor and his merry band influence the town's unusual reputation?

Herschel: Lady, I believe that those three know a lot more then they're letting on. I've lived in this town a long time and I've never seen em so... active!

Lily: Active? As in having a hand in the election or...?

Herschel: That and active like they're running scared or something! Maybe it was me and Begley starting up some social awareness but I don't know. Regardless, something got em shaking in their 200$ Macmullet's snake skin boots!

(End of interview)

Lily: The rest of the interview dissolved into strong opinions on Sofa King beer, a local brewery in town, Mister Baumgardner's best friend Cecil's relationship with a deceased knitter and other topics, we at Wright On honestly didn't need to hear about but it was enough to have a... interesting insight into the town from a former mayoral candidate. We talked with Herschel and Cecil last month but we found most of their interview largely unusable. Mister Baumgardner did however make an excellent point as we continue to ask the question "Why do people stay"? Is it because like Mister Baumgardner they view King Falls like soldiers at war? No man left behind, you stick with your unit through thick and thin and other slightly misogynistic stereotypes. Perhaps! But I don't completely buy  that myself. People tend to duck and run when things get heavy and King Falls seems to only deal in too heavy. Our next interview takes us a little off the beaten path. After many attempts to get an official sit down instead of a late night privacy invasion, with the actual mayor of King Falls, Steven Grisham, we had to settle for the next best thing. A quick talk with his secretary and right hand woman, Riley. I have no actual idea what her height could be, she remained rigidly seated throughout the entire interview, barely looking at me after Pippa got her settled with the mic. I don't know how much work she got done but it certainly seemed that despite agreeing to be interviewed, she had better things to do with her time!

(End of Lily Interlude, computer typing noises are heard)

Lily: Thanks for speaking with me, Riley. Shame we couldn't lock down your boss, busy guy!

Riley: No trouble.

Pippa: We're rolling so... whenever you're ready...

Riley: I'm aware.

Lily: Great! You wanna look up from your computer screen at some point and be present?

Riley: Not particularly.

Lily: Perfect. So Riley, you're the mayor's assistant? You-

Riley: -Secretary.

Lily: Well umm, okay that's a choice. So you must hear quite a lot, sitting right outside the mayors office? Official business and all but I love to know your take is about all the strange rumours around town. You must hear-

Riley: -Such as?

Lily: Well for starters, the ghosts?

Riley: Apparitions.

Lily: You're killing me... umm apparitions (phone starts ringing) glowing saviours with a penchant for fast food, Santa Claus. The list goes on and on. That wouldn't be the almighty Pippa James' phone would it?! Real professional.

Riley: (Dryly) You guys run a top knot ship huh? Look saying you don't believe the things that happen in this town is about as ridiculous as believing in global warming.

Lily: That's it. You just belittle science and what you've got nothing more to say? This is a legitimate question! Did Grisham brainwash you?!

Pippa: Not okay, Lily!

Lily: You don't get a say. Your phone went off in the middle of an interview. I'm running out of things that make sense here!

Pippa: Yeah but she's allowed to have her opinion!

Lily: Certainly when it's not the town authority forcing his ridiculous beliefs on his malleable secretary.

Riley: You both realize I'm still sitting here?

Lily: Honestly I wondered if we even registered to you.

Pippa: And we're back on target.

Lily: Fine. So you think the crazy stories are all true? (Quieter) Does everyone in town smoke the same stuff that Doyle guy does?

Riley: I am nothing like my stoner brother.

Lily: What?! Doyle Be-bevBelmin?

Riley: Bevins.

Lily: Bevins. I will never get these last names right. Doyle Bevins is your brother?!

Riley: Unfortunately.

Lily: Really?! I- i just don't see it?! Is he younger or older?!

Riley: Older. Great job researching this, ladies.

Lily: We'll be sure to flog our intern. Are you and your brother...close? You sound a little exasperated by him.

Riley: He's-he's not the older brother that I would've- You know how sometimes you just have expectations? You don't really know why the idea came from, you just imagine something... different then what you end up getting?

Lily: Like when you think because you're family they'll stick up for you, take your side when shit goes down. I get it I have a younger brother. Had. So you've been working in the mayor's office for a while now correct? Multiple terms? What were your thoughts on this past election? I mean, we heard the buffoons on the am station.

Riley: Ridiculous! There was no scandal. Mayor Grisham won fair and square.

Lily: You really think the votes would've turned out that way?

Riley: Well, they did turn out that way, so yes.

Lily: Because I've heard stories. A rescheduled vote, ballots falling in the river. I believe the term used was shenanigans.

Riley: I think it happened exactly the way it needed to.

Lily: I'm gonna need you to build on that.

Riley: You're asking about the town, about the weird occurrences. I've lived in King Falls all my life. There are things I wish weren't part of living here. It doesn't always fit the picture in my head. Have you ever lived in a place where you hear weird stories all the time? It starts to become the norm. You just accept it. In fact, you think other towns have just as much weird stuff as you do! That is until you go visit some place else. They spend the whole time talking about the weird stories in your town. And then you realize not everyone has weird stories. You're town is unique. King Falls is home so we accept a lot of weird stuff and we look the other way when we have to. And just because the idiots on the early morning radio show see scandal behind every missive, that doesn't mean scandal actually exists. And what they don't understand. What no one understands is that Mayor Grisham, the town leader's they're protecting us. I get it many time the mayor's methods leave much to be desired but at the end of the day, I can't think of any other man better to lead this town.

Lily: But what you're saying is that there is no choice? Weird things happen and King Falls just has to accept it. As for what? Their best interests?

Riley: I don't know what your expectations were when you first came here, Miss Wright. But I heard your first episode. You're staying because you know there's something here. You can dress it up however you want but something calls to you. We all hear it but the mayor and the sheriff and even Mister Beauregard- What I think you want me to say, Miss Wright, is that those three leave the door open to the unknown. That's what you expect. But what if-what if they're trying to keep the door closed?

(End of interview)

Lily: I thanked her for her time and packed up but I couldn't get that thought out of my mind as we made our way to the next interview. The image of a door. An entrance or an exit? There aren't other worlds or other existences. This isn't a comic book, there aren't any multiverses or alternate timelines. So what did Riley mean? And does she really believe it? Or is it just another lie planted by Mayor Grisham to continue his stronghold over the town? If you create a dependency, you make yourself a necessity. Is he doing it for the power? But what power is there in running a small town that barely makes it on the local maps? Beyond the expected paranormal tourism, what real power could anyone hope to gain here?

(End of Lily Interlude)

Lily: This is a terrible idea.

Pippa: Yeah well the joys of editing the show mean I get to keep in whatever I want.

Lily: I don't care! The listeners can know this is a terrible idea. In fact, they can know before we interview these two screw balls. So that when it proves to be a terrible idea, they'll know I'm right and you're crazy!

Pippa: Your levels are fine.

Lily: Hey, you okay?

Pippa: We're good! Levels are good. We just need to-

Lily: Yeah, I know. I'm talking about you. We haven't really talked much since... I wanted to check in.

(Sound of door shutting)

Pippa: Lily, you were abducted for several hours and I had no idea where you were. How do you think I'm doing?!

Ben: Okay, looks like we're all ready. So glad you guys are still in town! Must have a quite a story cooking huh?!

Lily: Something like that.

Pippa: Just let me clip this here... okay I'm gonna-I'm just gonna... go umm you guys are live.

Ben: Everything okay?

Lily: Yeah, she's just... It's fine... Where's your partner?

Ben: Sammy uh he couldn't make it. Not sure why. Sends his regrets.

Lily: I'm sure.

Ben: But I can help you- happy to help you! With whatever you need. Always available day or night. It's just I love listening to you guys. Y-y-your like my favourite podcast! So anything I can do? Well, not night for obvious reasons. But-but my days are pretty free and I don't uh sleep much... so what did you want to talk about again? King falls weirdness? Kinda my specialty.

Lily: I actually wanted to speak with you about your participation in the mayoral election. You were pretty heavily involved. Is that correct?

Ben: O-oh yeah! Super involved. Both Ron and Mister Baumgardner announced their candidacy live on our show.

Lily: So you saw behind the scenes of the whole operation?

Ben: Absolutely! Ran ads for all three campaigns, though money was definitely more in Mayor Grisham's court.

Lily: Look, Ben, I get that no one will us what's really going on. We're scheduled to talk to Ron Begley later in the week. We can only take things Herschel says with a grain of salt and when we talk to the Mayor's secretary, well her answers were a little concerning...

Ben: You actually got Riley Bevins to look up from her computer to talk?! Impressive!

Lily: Well, yeah sure. Wait, does Mayor Grisham have more than one secretary?

Ben: Uh no, no I guess not. She umm she's just a known mole for Grisham. He had her staying up all night typing out word for word transcriptions of our show. (I know the feeling, Riley)

Lily: Yeah I noticed that she's a big fan.

Ben: Really?!

Lily: No.

Ben: Did you get to talk to Grisham?

Lily: Not in an official capacity. We'll see if a sit down materializes, I say not.

Ben: You said Riley's answers were concerning, how so?

Lily: Looking past the obvious bias, she mentioned something that stuck with me. A door that Grisham, Gunderson, and Beauregard are keeping shut?

Ben: Huh, interesting.

Lily: Does the town weirdness expert have any theories on what she could have meant?

Ben: Umm i mean, gotta a lot of doors in King Falls. Take your pick! Oh maybe Dorothy's Best Little Door House on Humperdinck Blvd? No probably wasn't talking about an actual door.

Lily: So what do you think she was talking about, Ben?

Ben: Honestly, thing that has plagued this town most has been the rainbow lights but I don't know how a door fits into that.

Lily: Do you think the King Falls illuminati are behind the abductions?

Ben: Is that what you're calling them? That's-that's catchy! I like that! Uh but no. If-if anyone knew what was going on with the rainbow lights and the abductions and- it'd be the science institute.

Lily: You've mentioned them before. But they're King Falls compound wasn't even built when the Tim Jensen Abduction took place. You really think they're more at fault then your political rendition of Larry, Curly and Mo?

Ben: I think those three are up to something but not the rainbow lights. Like terrible politics and corruption? Absolutely! Not abductions.

Pippa: (hides a snicker in a cough) I'd beg to differ.

Lily: Pip!

Ben: Wait... what? You were abducted by them?

Lily: I wouldn't use the word abducted...

Ben: What?! Arrested?!

Lily: No! I was not arrested! More like detained...

Ben: He just what?! Picked you up no warning no nothing?! It's just-I'm sorry that should not have happened. You're a big radio star! They can't...what-what exactly went down? What do you mean they abducted you?

Lily: I came back to my hotel and umm it was filled, filled with white roses.

Ben: Red rum roses. They leave these big white roses as an invitation to join them and their I don't know quest?

Lily: This may be a stupid question but why on earth would they do that? Doesn't seem like a feasible business model. Roses are expensive.

Ben: I don't really think they worry about business. It's definitely for presentation purposes.

Lily: And this impresses people? Businesses to join them?

Ben: It's just their way of showing allegiance, I assume. I I know company who have turned them down and regretting it. If any have accepted, they've kept it quiet on purpose I'd assume.

Lily: This is ridiculous! What happens when people refuse? You say they regret it. Why-how-what do they regret?

Ben: I can't really prove it but I've seen plenty of shops get the red rum roses and say no and then (snaps fingers) boom they're gone out of business.

Lily: What else happens?

Ben: What?

Lily: I just... I think it's interesting. These flowers get dropped off. If you don't respond appropriately, they run you out of town. It's a reason. It's a plan! This is the first real malicious lead on the King Falls Big Three.

Ben: Okay they definitely make the town a more suspicious place and yes they are seemingly hand picking their associates but I don't think they're in charge of-

Lily: Have you ever seen Scooby-Doo?  

Ben: I mean...obviously!?

Lily: What happens in every episode?

Ben: Freddy has a terrible plan. I mean, I literally don't understand why he's the leader. His plans are never good. They're just they're -

Lily: After that, when they catch a ghost? And no Pippa, this is Scooby Doo, it is not an apparition.

Ben: Uh they they unmask the villain.

Lily: They unmask the villain and everything makes sense! It's not ghosts or monsters, it's people with motives! Which would you rather believe? That creatures who have no discernible way to die and no emotional ties to you are behind everything or it's actually the people in charge, the people who's job it is to protect and serve? Only it turns out they aren't serving anyone, they're taking from the citizens. Even taking citizens like that Miss Potter-

Ben: -Look. Those three are evil no doubt! But they aren't smart enough to use the rainbow lights and take people like- I'm not saying you're wrong. You're Lily Wright I mean, come on! That story you broke about demon babies being a product of collar greens, genius! That, and your Trump kid story?! Really didn't say that about Mother Teresa right?! But King Falls isn't just a Scooby villain, you know?

Lily: Do you have the science institute's number?

(End of Interview)

Science Institute's answering machine: (Beep) You have reached the Science Institute. Due to the construction of our new wing, our public operating hours are from 6am to 6:19am on the last Tuesday of the month. We are honoured by your call and will return it as soon as we can. Please stay on the line for a free C meter reading. (Beep)

(End of recording)

Lily: I don't believe what I'm hearing?!

Pippa: (Sighs) You're not really hearing anything, Lil, that would require you to listen.

Lily: You wanted to pull the story!? Nothing's happens!

Pippa: I'm not gonna say pull the story. But I'm not gonna lie! The the network is miffed. They didn't get an episode last month Lily and that's that's just not like us and-!

Lily: We played a best of show! People love clip shows! Why do you think they were so prevalent in sitcoms for years?!

Pippa: Production costs?!

Lily: Regardless, we aren't pulling the story.

Pippa: Fine. Don't pull it. But maybe backing off isn't a bad idea. There's still time to make-

Lily: Lily Wright doesn't back off.

Pippa: You know how ridiculous you sound when you talk about yourself in the third person? Lily Wright demands this! Lily Wright wants that! Lily Wright doesn't like teddy bears!

Lily: I like teddy bears. I feel like we finally have a lead, Pippa! A real solid lead into the town madness. And it isn't some glowing Jesus or historical ghost.

Pippa: Apparitions!

Lily: So help me, Pippa! I will call Shannon and tell her that you're cheating on her with the secretary.

Pippa: Classy!

(There's a Knocking at the door and Mike the Intern enters)

Well, I am glad she finally looked up from her work.

Mike: Guys?

Lily: You want classy? How about your phone going off in the middle of the last interview?

Mike: Hey guys?!

Pippa: Much like your phone going off in the one before last? And I told you my phone wasn't on! I always turn my phone off, Lil! Always! How many times has Shannon had to call or text you because she can't get me on my phone?!... Exactly!

Mike: Lily! Pippa!

Lily: I guess I just imagined it right?

Mike: Did the voicemails say anything?!

Lily: Christ, Mike! We don't get voicemail. My mailbox is full and Pippa won't let anyone teach her how to set one up!

Pippa: Mike, you alright? You're as pale as a-

Mike: Look, I know you guys are arguing about if we should stay here another month of shows, but-

Lily: Funny, there's no argument. I won. We're staying.

Pippa: The conversation is not over, Lil.

Mike: I'd really like to throw my vote in on getting the fuck out of here! Like today. Like now. Like right now.

Lily: (laughs) Like you get a vote, poli-sci.  

Mike: I'm just saying I think we should leave. Just go pack it all up and head to the next town or show or what have you. Let's go! I'll pack!

Lily: Based off what?! Finally got your feet wet investigative journalism and it isn't everything it's cracked up to be? You wanna run home to Mama?

Mike: This doesn't have anything to do with my mother, thank you very much.

Lily: How about we try the less talk more learning approach?

Pippa: Would you back off and let him talk?! What is wrong with you?!

Lily: Sorry, I'm I'm just...tired. We can't let this story go, we can't let the town government get away with this! They're implementing propaganda that the people living here actually believe! Praying on people who are susceptible to trust this stuff! And we can't let them get away with it, we have to push back!

Pippa: Okay. Not to play the other voice on your shoulder but what's wrong with people believing this stuff? Like they all made the choice to live here. They must be okay with it on some level. What gives you the right to say what's real and not real? It's a charming place minus the-

Lily: Minus the insanity?  

Pippa: The lore.

Mike: But what if it's real?

Lily and Pippa: What?!

Mike: I have a feeling. No, I know what you think about the town and the weird shit that happens here. You're a broken record. But what have you been telling me since the Georgia Bee Heist story? Trust your gut. Your gut tells you where the story is, right? Well, I'm trusting my gut.

Lily: (in awe) He can be taught!

Mike: Lily, I'm scared. Something-something is here. Something bad. And I don't want to wait around to find out what it is. My gut tells me that we don't need to keep heading down this road.

(Start of Lily Interlude)

Lily: What's more dividing than politics? What debates pepper your Facebook feed more? What gets people so riled up that they blast their opinion on all forms of social media? Not only do they blast it but friendships are lost, stories are written and wars are fought over the very idea. Faith. We are built to believe in something. I've admitted many times on the show to being an atheist. But that has never meant to me that I believe in nothing. There are many things I believe in. There are many people I believe in. But the problem with belief is when it's used to manipulate others, as we've seen in King Falls.

(Start of Ron Begley interview)

Ron: Ma'am it's mighty fine to meet ya. I'm a big fan of your show.

Lily Interlude: That's Ron Begley. The third King Falls mayoral candidate. Owner of Begley's Bait and Tackle on Lake Hatchenaw. Between his recent stint of community service that he'd rather not talk about and putting together a Halloween extravaganza on his property, he's a damn hard man to get a hold of. Ron's tall, broad shouldered, larger than life. He's exactly what his political slogan for the election said a mans mans man.

Ron: I own this shop. Inherited from m'dad who inherited it from his papi and so on. Our family's been here for generations not as long as the Beauregard's but I still like to think of us as an institution. We've seen the best this here little town has to offer and the worst.

Lily Interlude: You can see his pride as he talks about King Falls. His chest swells up like an ocean wave and he gets a glow in eye like he remembers better times, better stories.

Lily: What made you decide to run for mayor, Mister Begley?

Ron: Some would say it was a damn fool decision. Didn't make Grisham like me none. Shut down the Bass tournament which is a prime source of income for the town and me. Not counting other troubles after the fact. But I guess I was tired seeing guys like that get their way unencumbered. I was tired of my town getting the rotten end of the stick, everyone having to fall under the thumb of those uppity sons of... biscuit-eaters. You know, I don't know that I expected I'd win, not really. Looking back on it with an icy glare, I can sure see how I was doomed from the start. There are things a man's has to do, that his conscience won't let him sit with until he's done what he can.

Lily: So why'd you stay if you felt like you did your best? Your conscience is clear, you could go wherever you wanted.

Ron: Something keeps me here, Miss Wright.

Lily: Lily.

Ron: Sorry, Lily. King Falls, for all her faults and questionable authority, she's home. I can't just abandon her especially not in her time of need. Just because we don't get what we want doesn't mean we have the right to give up on making ourselves or in this case our town the place it deserves to be.

Lily: It's funny, Herschel said something similar.

Ron: Herschel is a damn sweetheart! Once you get past his crusty, explicit-filled shell, he loves this town.

Lily: Would you say you feel like King Falls is in real trouble from its government?

Ron: Obviously, I thought it was a problem or I would've run for Mayor, Miss Wright.

Lily: Right. I mean that in a bigger sense then just passing laws, Ron, do you feel like the mayor and his people actively put this town in danger?

Ron: I don't know if I'd say that in so many words but if you told me that they were causin or covering up something up paranormal wise, it wouldn't have been the craziest thing I've heard in this town.

Lily: While we're on the topic, it'd be remiss of me to not mention the trouble you recently got in with-

Ron: Lily, if we may I'd rather not talk about it. Let's just say I made some mistakes in a real dark time in my life. And I'm paying for them now with a heavy heart and some community service.

Lily: Fair enough, Ron. Well, since you brought it up earlier, what are your thoughts on these paranormal claims? (Phone starts ringing) Pippa, I swear to god. I'm so sorry.

Ron: Ah no mind to me. But how did you mean about them paranormal claims?

Lily: How far back can you remember hearing about them?

Ron: Forever. Since I was knee-high to Kingsie.

Lily: Kingsie? Is that your dog?

Ron: I wouldn't call her a dog in earshot. She's ohahoh well I don't know really how to describe her. She lives in the lake, has for years!

Lily: Is she like a snake or a...?

Ron: Pardon my French, Lily, she eat those little fuckers for lunch. She's Uh well she's she's a bit hard to describe. She and I well we understand each other. Sometimes I get the feeling we both feel to big to fit in anywhere.

Lily: Do you guys have manatees up here?

Ron: Bigger than that!

Lily: No. You're not suggesting... I'm sorry you're not saying you have a Loch Ness monster are you?

Ron: That side show of a Scottish folk tale? Absolutely not! That's a ridiculous children's story! And even if Nessie were real, Kingsie would swim circles around that kilt wearing puddle paddling faker!

Lily: And this Kingsie it's been around for a while?

Ron: As long as I've been alive. Longer if you believe some of the stories my dad would tell!

Lily: (sighs) ...Thanks, Ron... I-I really appreciate it. Umm thank you for your time...

Ron: You don't believe me.

Lily: In a word... no.

Ron: I mean I can't make any promises but I'm happy to take you and the crew out on Lake Hatchenaw and try to show you! You seem like a seeing is believing type.

Lily: You know, I think we'll take a rain check. I'm not really a boating type and the intern gets motion sickness.

Ron: (Disbelievingly) Uh huh...

Lily: Well, I think this about wraps it up! It was a pleasure speaking with you and I'll have Pippa-

Ron: Look, Lily. I can see Kingsie shook you up. I get it but please listen. We got a lot of strange happenings here, some more easy to believe then others. But and I don't mean to make assumptions but I wouldn't go treading too lightly on the mysteries of King Falls.

Lily: Which is exactly why I'm here, Ron. If there is any credence to the town's claims, then we'll get to the bottom of it.

Ron: I sure hope so. But please believe me when I say to be careful out there in your search. They all aren't as friendly as my girl Kingsie.

Lily: I appreciate you saying that. Is there anything in particular you would think we should be wary of, Ron?

Ron: Not just one thing. Most things if you're digging from a paranormal aspect. Things get dark here awful quick at times. Scary quick! So much so that, I think there's something pure evil below the surface.

(End of interview)

Lily: So a lake monster. Straight from the would be mayor's mouth himself. It's difficult to give a verbal visual to the level of "Told ya so" going on on Begley's dock so I will leave that to your imagination. But just know I owe Pippa a beer. Back to where we started, I guess. If some of the standing paranormal claims have been going on since before the sitting mayor took office, before the sheriff was placed. If you're to believe Ron Begley, even before he was born! Then the King Falls illuminati have to know something. I'm ready to stake my journalistic integrity on that. But that? That just leaves me with more questions. Who is under that Scooby-Doo mask?

(End of Lily Interlude)

Lily: I thought we said we would check our phones before we did an interview!

Pippa: Lily, you saw it! The phone was off!

Lily: You must not have powered it off all the way?

Pippa: No, Lily, you're not listening! My phone was completely dead! And then it just it just came back to life it came back to life and then it rang!

(Science institute message plays again)

Science Institute's answering machine: (Beep) You have reached the Science Institute. Due to the construction of our new wing, our public operating hours are from 6am to 6:19am on the last Tuesday of the month. We are honoured by your call and will return it as soon as we can. Please stay on the line for a free C meter reading. (Beep)

(End of recording and start of Lily Interlude)

Lily: Rarely do we give you a behind the scenes look at how we put together a show here at Wright On. Other than our typical interludes where we talk through the stories and where we're at with our research, we try to give you a focused approach. Cutting away the fat and giving you the meat. But with our next piece of evidence, we weren't entirely able to untangle ourselves from the facts.

(End of Lily Interlude and recordings of certain interviews play)

Ben: It was crazy, she sounded totally sane like a regular caller.

Riley: Most nights I just check out when I have to listen. Which thank god is not every night anymore. But her voice, her urgency. I listen then.

Troy: My best buds had me go out on a night off to check out a house of this strange caller.

Rose: She sounded scared, worried like she had the answer to doomsday.

Ben: When Troy got there, she just.. she wasn't there. Not only that, no one was there. There was no house. It was an empty lot. No one had lived there for years.

(End of clips about Debbie, sound of door opening)

Pippa: Alright Mike. We are editing. What did you want to play for us?

Lily Interlude: Warning to the listeners, the next few minutes are not for the faint of heart.

Lily: This is ridiculous! We were editing the show! You can't just barge in here!

Mike: I realize you were both...well, you both suck at technology but we have been getting messages. You guys you must not have gotten them. You really need to erase some of your voicemails, Lily.

Lily: Bite me! You interrupted us to chastise me about phone services?! Can we just-

Mike: Look. I thought I was going crazy. But it wasn't me. I heard it! I heard it on the tapes. You told me to listen to all the tapes and I did and I-I heard her. I told you I told you this town was fucked! We should pack up and leave. We should pack up and get the fuck out of here!

Pippa: Mike! Just calm down! What-what is it? What happened?

Mike: Here! (Tosses his phone over) Listen. Listen to the voicemail I just got.

Lily: Is it a debt collector? Because we told you you're an unpaid intern.

Pippa: Lily, I love you. Shut up.

(Voicemail starts to play, wind is blowing in the background)

Debbie: Hello? Hi, can-can you hear me? I tried to call. I don't know, I don't know if this will get through. You have to go! Get out of King Falls as fast as you can! I don't know why. I don't even know how I know. This book, there's this book! Your names are in this book! You... it may already be too late. But you've got to leave. Get out of town as fast as you can! Don't... don't end up like me. Like Jack.

Lily: What the fuck is this?

Debbie: Run. Run as fast as you can before-before it's too late. (Background is growing creepier with freaky laughing, baby crying and flapping pages)

Before you- oh god no! Not yet!

(Background voices one saying “no” could be jack? and the other saying “help me”)

I don't have much time. Please listen to me. The shadows are coming! The void is here! Please! Please listen to me! They're here!

(End of voicemail)

Lily: (obviously riled up) A prank! It's just a prank. Everyone and their brother knows that we are still in this godforsaken town!

Mike: No. It was her. It was Debbie.

Lily: What are you talking about?!

Mike: Pippa told me to listen to all that radio show for sound clips. They... they had a show. A girl came on the air. It was her. It was that girl. It turned into like a big demonic possession,  live on the air. It was terrifying. The deputy he went to her house and there was no house. It was an empty lot. Lily, she wasn't there and that's not the only time she's called. When I picked up the tapes, I talked to that Sammy guy. She's called before. Multiple times. And not just to the station but to the-

Lily: Fascinating stuff, Mike.

Mike: This isn't a joke and that message isn't a prank and it's not some random caller. It is Debbie. And that scares the hell out of me because I don't think there is a Debbie.

Lily: Listen to yourself! You can't buy into this! Be a journalist! Look at the facts!

Mike: SHE MENTIONED JACK! You're telling me this, none of this bothers you?! Look me in the eye and say that none of this bothers you!

Lily: None of it is real, Mike! Jack believed in all this hocus pocus, metaphysical paranormal activity bullshit and look where it got him. Lost. Missing. PROBABLY DEAD so NO I'm not going to buy into this shit because all it does is lead you to an early grave! YOU NEED TO PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!

(Side note: Goddamn this is some fucking amazing voice acting and further cements Lily Wright's spot as my favourite character)

Mike: I guess since you're seasoned reporter you don't need to look at the facts.

Lily: That cuts deep, political science. Now, Pippa and I have a show to do! 

Mike: I don't even know why I try! Why do you even need to do the show, Lily? You already know it all!

Pippa: Okay. (Sighs) Guys, are you guys done?!

Mike: I want to leave.

Pippa: Mike, I'm not holding you here against your will but if you leave your internship's gonna-

Mike: I-I don't care! I've had a chill up my spine ever since we got lost in that damn forest and it has not gone away! And no offense, Lily, I don't wanna end up missing for the sake of a story!

Lily: Coward.

Mike: Survivor.

(Mike walks out of the room)

Pippa: Oh...good. The recorder got all of that...

Lily: (Quieter) We don't have to air that last part.

(Start of Lily Interlude)

Lily: It turns out, we did. So what did we learn this week? For starters, if you run a small town, you can get away with just about anything. Herschel Baumgardner shouldn't be allowed on public radios nor near large lizards. And that things, well I'm still convinced there's a face under this mask. But I'm running out of stones to turn over. It's clear to me that the mayor and friends depend on the town's beliefs. He relishes in the control established by stories and outdated systems. Accept the Red Rum Roses, don't go out on a full moon, don't use the phrase "ghost". These are all things used to keep people in a sedated form of existence, to keep them in line. But for what purpose? And what happens to those that buck the system? Herschel and Ron, they fought the law and the law won. But did they just get off lucky? I have seen men end up in body bags when challenging the reigning authority. Which means that it's not the loss of power that gives Grisham and goons the shakes. It's something else. Something deeper, something darker. Maybe unrelated, maybe not. Who is this Debbie on the other end of the phone line? A voice from the beyond? Or has she been put up to this as a scare tactic for getting too close to the real truth? Maybe we'll figure it out soon, ladies and gents? Lord knows we'll be here in the supposedly haunted hamlet trying, regardless of what the network would prefer. Until next time, I'm Lily Wright and this is Wright On, The King Falls Chronicles.

(End of Lily Wright Interlude "finishing off" the episode Credits play)

Lily: Wright On is a monthly podcast hosted by Lily Wright, where the acclaimed journalist me and my team tell the stories that deserve to be told. Make sure to subscribe on ITunes as well as rate and review. This program is sponsored by the Makebelieve Picture Company and donations from listeners like you.

Pippa: Next time on Wright On!

(The next time on plays)

Pippa: Lil, he's not picking up his phone.

Lily: I swear if that kid left town...

Pippa: Yeah but he'd say goodbye first!

Lily: Maybe Grisham and Co are just starting to pick us off, kidnap us one by one?

Pippa: We can't technically can't call it kidnapping since the Sheriff was involved we have to call it detaining or they'll throw a defamation suit at us.

Lily: Look a duck's a duck.

Pippa: Maybe you could lighten up on the tough as nails reporter archetype you've been leaning so hard on? And instead just be yourself!

Lily: I know I know I'm sorry. Is that Mike's room? I get that this is a small town but still he shouldn't leave the door wide open. Idiot.

Pippa: Maybe he was loading the car?

Lily: You go check. I'll go look in his room.

(Sound of Lily walking towards Mike's room)

Mike? Intern? You're supposed to come when we call? Part of the package! He's such a boy! I can't tell if Poli-Sci was coming or going. Was he living out of this suitcase?! Disgusting.

Pippa: Mike is gone!

Lily: What?! Maybe he got-

Pippa: I'm telling you! Mike's gone!

Lily: Slow down! What happened? How do you know? All of his stuff is-

Pippa: Our car is in the parking lot, Lily. The doors are all open and the engine was still... it was still on! Like Jack...

(End of the episode, plays Darlin I'm gone by Mallori and credits are read aloud by Kyle Brown and Eric Kimelton)