#kfam podcast transcript

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King Falls AM Episode Twenty-Two: Somewhere Under the Rainbow

King Falls AM Transcript

Episode 22: Somewhere Under the Rainbow 

Run time: 24:26

First Aired: Mar 15, 2016

Summary: The Rainbow Light’s continued presence has King Falls on edge and the action heats up at Lake Hatchenaw over what Herschel and Cecil reeled in two weeks ago.

(For a list of characters and references from this episode see the end of this post)

[King Falls AM theme plays]

Ben: And, of course, please use caution and common sense regarding the Rainbow Lights. 

Sammy: And, you know, with everything else in life. 

Ben: Right. Mayor Grisham is asking residents to not look directly into the lights and also to not harm and harass them in any way.

Sammy: Idiot! How do you harm and harass a light?

Ben: Sammy, I know you’re sore at the mayor but-

Sammy: Shouldn’t he be doing more than press releases about this? There have been rainbow lights hovering over the town for two straight weeks. Where’s the national guard, man?

Ben: I don’t know Sammy, I-

Sammy: Where’s his caution and common sense? We have lost people to these lights before. 

Ben: I know you’re frustrated, Sammy, but I think that’s what he’s, he’s getting at. I-

Sammy: No, no no no no no. The only thing Mayor Grisham is doing is posturing to look like he cares because the election is this year. It’s despicable.

Ben: Dude, I agree with you! You’re right. But don’t forget about the positives!

Sammy: Such as?

Ben: The bronys man!

Sammy: (exasperated) Oh come on…

Ben: What? You have to admit it’s pretty cool that hundreds if not more of these brony guys have made the pilgrimage here because of the rainbow lights.

Sammy: Oh yeah, it is simply thrilling. Almost as thrilling as the fact that I was nearly stampeded by a herd of their mustangs when I was coming out of Rose’s yesterday.

Ben: Maybe they thought you were with them.

Sammy: Maybe so, I don’t know. I give off more of a furry vibe.

Ben: Very true.

Sammy: You get it folks, so to right this train please be aware of your surroundings, try to travel in packs-

Ben: Strength in numbers, people.

Sammy: And use caution and common sense regarding the rainbow lights and whatever is projecting them.

Ben: Stay safe King Falls!

Sammy: Alright, we’re taking your calls ladies and gents. Are the constant bright rainbow lights disturbing your sleeping patterns?

Ben: Much like Sammy. 

Sammy: I’m tired man.

Ben: (laughing) I know, man! Have you or anyone you know gotten close to the lights or seen the UFOs up close and personal?

Sammy: We are here to listen to your issues and to offer help if we can. Give us a call, (424)279-3858.

Ben: And, as always, you can hit us up on your social media of choice at King Falls AM.

Sammy: Line three you’re on King Falls AM.

Caller: Hello, King Falls AM.

Sammy: Howard Ford Beauregard?

Beauregard: The third.

Ben: It’s an integral part of the name, Sammy, as you know Howard Ford Beauregard the first and Howard Ford Beauregard the second are probably still milling about in a dungeon or somewhere under town.

Beauregard: I’ll have you know-

Ben: Because they’re undying vampires!

Beauregard: Ha! More of your charming, paranoid wit. I suppose your five listeners enjoy your slander and degradation.

Ben: The lights must really be messing you up. Can coffins keep out bright as the sun rainbow lights from UFOs? Or-

Beauregard: Stevens, please alert your man and tell him I shan’t be addressing any of his inquires this evening or otherwise.

Ben: Your man? Ha! What century is this, Beauregard? Seriously, just tell me!

Sammy: Mr. Beauregard, may I ask why you’re gracing us with your presence via the telephone?

Ben: How did you pester people before the telephone, Howie? Telegram? By letter? 

Beauregard: The reason behind this call is simple. I’ve been made aware of rumors swirling about that, well… that the townspeople are talking about me. More so that I may possess something that may cause this outbreak of colors in the sky.

Ben: Uh, it’s a rainbow. You’d know that if you’d seen light in the last milenia.

Beauregard: I don’t understand why, but I know that a large number of the residents listen to this show of yours. And I wanted to assure yourselves, and the lowlies, that listen to this rubbish that the rumors are unfounded and untrue!

Sammy: We actually haven’t heard this rumor, Beauregard, so-

Ben: Oh I have! I just wasn’t going to waste airtime on this petrified bloodsucker and his idiot manservant. Nobody has a ray gun that can shoot rainbows and can turn off electronics.

Sammy: A ray gun that can turn off electronics?

Beauregard: Now see here! This is exactly how things get out of hand. Stop talking about this. Stop thinking about this. I can hear you thinking… I have nothing of the sort! 

Ben: Sammy we’ve had lots of tweets about a frequency beaming into ours and the listeners hearing it. Do you think this-

Sammy: What are you doing up there, Beauregard? Did you cause the 2015 electrolocaust with this thing?

Ben: (baffled) Oh man, is this true?!

Beauregard: (stammering) I uh, well you can’t, I don’t uh-

Sammy: Answer the damn question, Beauregard. Did you do something that knocked our entire town off the map?

Ben: Seriously, I had to get a whole new iphone, man! What’d you do, Howie?

Beauregard: I absolutely will not stand for this. I am not here to be persecuted and grilled about a transmorgrifier electrode-

Ben: You did this! This has you written all over it! But why?

Beauregard: Now see here.

Sammy: What’s a transmorgrifier?

Beauregard: I don’t know, how would I know? Nobody said anything about that.

Ben: Are you causing the rainbows and UFOs too? What the hell is going on up there in that manor of yours?

Beauregard: I will not tolerate this insolence! I will be calling my personal friends Mayor Grisham and Sheriff Gunderson, and they will not take kindly to how you are treating me! I came in peace, you degenerates!

Sammy: Are you saying they won’t appreciate you asking us questions about your involvement in all the weird stuff that happens in King Falls?

Ben: Not all, Sammy. Just some.

Sammy: Right.

Ben: What else are you doing up on your mountain?

Beauregard: Enough! I tried to use your media outlet, as primitive as it may be, to dispel a terrible rumor and all you’ve done is multiply the accusations. I will not stand for this. I will crush you. 

Ben: (laughing) Oh ho ho! 

Sammy: With your rainbow electrolocaust ray gun?

Beauregard: With all of my power and every fiber of my being! You fools should not doubt me!

Ben: Is this a threat? It sounds like a threat, right, Sammy? Will your personal friends-

Sammy: Mayor Grisham and Sheriff Gunderson.

Ben: Yeah, will they be cool with that? Do they know about your ray gun?

Beauregard: There is no ray gun! And these are no threats! 

Sammy: I’m not really buying either of those statements. 

Beauregard: There are only promises here, Stevens. Howard Ford Beauregard-

Sammy and Ben: The third!

Beauregard: Ugh, you fools! I am not a man to be taken lightly! I am not a man to be bullied. I am not a man-

Ben: But a vampire!

Beauregard: Mark my words… if you can refrain from your tomfoolery for one damn minute longer. 

Sammy: Uh yeah, timer’s on, you have our undivided attention.

Beauregard: This is not the last time you’ll hear from Howard Ford Beauregard the third. Being the gentleman that I am, this is my fair warning to let you know this is far from over.

[The phone hangs up]

Ben: It’s funny he wants to keep talking to us yet his idiot yard-boy Pete can’t wait to stop listening.

Sammy: It really is sending mixed messages. 

Ben: That was ten out of ten as crazy as it gets!

Sammy: I hope you’re right.

Ben: There’s no way we top that tonight, he is olympic gold medal winning levels of crazy.

Sammy: Okay, you aren’t wrong, but I’ve also learned to never count out anything in King Falls.

Ben: Huh, want to make this interesting?

Sammy: You wanna bet?

Ben: Just a, a friendly wager.

Sammy: I don’t know, I’m just not sure, I mean can you ever really count out any of this stuff?

Ben: Ten bucks man, call it! If you think something is going to top HFB3 tonight that’s easy money.

Sammy: For scientific purposes, I am in.

Ben: Ooooohh! Suckah! Rainbow lights, UFOs, electrolocaust? He’s literally the last person on the face of the earth I would trust with a potato gun! Much less a-

Sammy: A possible weird-ass weapon of mass destruction?

Ben: Correct. You will be funding my breakfast, sir.

Sammy: We’ll see. So moving on, another call?

Ben: Yeah. One more short one before the break. Line five, welcome to King-

Caller: Oh yeah? And I’m telling you to get the hell of my land if you don’t have a warrant!

Ben: Ron Begley?

Ron: This is my property, that lake is my property- And you can get the hell out of my face! 

Sammy: Hmm, still sure about that ten bucks?

[The sound of buzzing, talking, and sirens in the background]

Ron: Ah, stupid government… Hey guys, you there?

Sammy: Hey, Ron. You’re live with us, sir, what’s going on?

Ron: Hell if I know. There’s a sh-(beep) ton of unmarked cop cars pulling up and making a god awful racket. I was sleeping, and it was a sweet dream of John Stamos, until these donut eating sacks of dogsh-(beep) woke me up! Please tell me you guys know what the hell is goin’ on.

Ben: Uh, Ron, we haven't heard a thing all night. Especially out by you and Kingsie. 

Sammy: You said they’re unmarked, they’re not with the sheriff’s office?

Ron: Not that I can see. It would have been one, two, three… three, four, five of these x-filey f-(beep)-s now! And not one of em will even look at me. Just charging on past me to the lake and it’s like, it’s just me up here, you know! I don’t need the damn sirens squealing-

[The sound of sirens]

Ron: Here comes another f-(beep)-ing one! Come on!

Sammy: I’d put the ten dollars I’m about to win on Howard Ford Beauregard and his Dr. Evil rainbow lazer.

Ben: Not so fast with the money, Sammy, but I don’t think you’re wrong.

Ron: Hell no, look at that pinskirt! Agent Scully you are not, sister. 

Ben: Uh, I’ll call Troy for you Ron, hang tight.

Sammy: Wait a minute, do you think this has something to do with the body Herscell and Cecil found a couple weeks ago?

Ron: Don’t bother calling him, Ben. And the hell if I know, Sammy. These pigs just can’t come onto private property and start doing as they please. All they have to do is talk to me, damn it! I’m an American! I don’t have to put up with this crap.

Ben: You don’t want me to call Troy and find out what’s going on?

Ron: Nah, cause the goofy son of a b-(beep) just showed up! Troy! What’s going on here?

Troy: I came as soon as I heard, Ron. These guys are F. B. I..

Ron: I don’t give a flying f-(beep) if they are President Lyndon B. Johnson’s personal pants makers! Hey! Yeah, you! Don’t step on those- not only are they environmentally safe, but they are pleasing to the eye! Hey! I’m about to go have some words with the Mr. and Mrs. doing to foxtrot on my begonias. Talk to Troy.

Sammy: Bye, Ron. Be careful out there.

Ben: Begonias?

Ron: Glad they sent the b-team out here to deal with this sh-(beep).

Troy: Hey fellas.

Ben: Troy, what’s going on over there, man?

Troy: I only came up to alert Ron about the alphabet boys coming, but apparently these g-men and g-ladies beat me to it.

Sammy: It sounds like bedlam out there, Troy, what is going on up there, do you know?

Troy: My buddy, I’m not completely sure I could talk about that live on the air. 

Ron: (in the background) I don’t give a damn! Show me a warrant!

Sammy: Fair enough, Troy. It sounds like it’s pretty serious out there? Maybe you’d better go…

Troy: Oh yeah, I’d better go, if Ron keeps getting in these FBI guys faces he’s bound to get tased!

Sammy: Or worse I don’t know if Ron’s the type to take to guantanamo very well.

Ben: Give us a little hint before you go, man! Ron’s tough, he can take it!

Troy: Man, we’re live, right? You know I can’t talk about official police biz anymore on the radio.

Sammy: Ben, would you stop? It’s fine, Troy. Just please go make sure Ron stays out of trouble.

Ben: Damn it!

Troy: Ten-four, Sammy. And you fellas make sure to maybe, I don’t know, give Doctor Jeffery Rosenbloom a call ‘cause he can and should talk about… well, not official police biz.

Ben: Oooohh! Thanks Troy!

Sammy: You are a child.

Troy: Take her easy, guys. These constant rainbow lights are making me real uneasy.

[The phone hangs up]

Sammy: Stay safe Troy. You heard it here, folks, seems like there’s a bit of a commotion going on at Lake Hatchenaw, at Begley’s Bait and Tackle in particular. So if you happen to head that way at this ungodly hour, I don’t know why, then you may want to change your plans. 

Ben: I got Dr. Rosenbloom’s number, Sammy. Should we call him?

Sammy: This is the same Dr. Jeffery Rosenbloom that works at-

Ben: The King Falls coroner’s office. So… should we?

Sammy: I don’t know… he kinda creeps me out. No offense, doc.

Ben: Cause of the zombie thing?

Sammy: I wasn’t even talking about the zombies! I was just talking about him. If the zombie thing were true, which it obviously isn’t, I don’t-

Ben: It was. Troy confirmed it.

Sammy: Troy is…

Ben: Are you calling Troy a liar, Sammy?

Sammy: Not at all, I’m just saying Troy is excitable. Who knows what those two saw that night and-

Ben: I’m pretty sure he saw the reanimated corpse of a John Doe from the lake try to eat Dr. Rosenbloom.

Sammy: Allegedly. That’s all I’m saying, and I’m leaving it at that.

Ben: (laughing) Come on, man! Try to earn that ten spot! Rosenbloom is a fan of the show, I’m sure it’ll be fun!

Sammy: Exciting, even?

Ben: Let’s not get carried away, how about, uh, interesting. Troy dropped us a big fat clue, man! It’s a King Falls scavenger hunt!

Sammy: No.

Ben: After the break we’ll call him.

Sammy: We really shouldn’t bother him.

Ben: After the break!

[Patriotic music plays as the commercial break begins]

Commercial: Hi, I’m Stephan Grisham, resident and mayor of our great little mountain town King Falls. Under my watchful eye King Falls has prospered. Crime and unemployment rates have fallen, and streets are virtually clear of all the apparition gang wars that plagued our beautiful town in the past. Regardless of what certain detractors might have to say, there’s simply no better choice for our town if we want to keep it growing and flourishing. That’s obviously why I ran unopposed the last two elections. Vote Grisham 2016 for a better tomorrow today. I’m Mayor Stephan Grisham, and I approve this message.

[Patriotic music fades, King Falls AM rock music plays then fades out as the commercial break ends]

Sammy: Unopposed the last two elections?

Ben: Don’t get all riled up, Sammy.

Sammy: This is ridiculous! This man is the definition of sleezy, slimy, political rhetoric and very little action. How could anyone with a brain vote for that guy?

Ben: But tell us how you really feel.

Sammy: I can’t. I can’t deal with him right now. And you knew that ad was about to run, man! A little warning, please.

Ben: I will gladly tell you to catch a bathroom break next time we run the mayor’s-

Sammy: Propaganda.

Ben: Political ads, but yes, that too.

Sammy: (sighs) Moving forward-

Ben: (loudly) Dr. Rosenbloom!

Sammy: Come on, Ben, the phone lines are all lit up, let’s just take some calls.

Ben: Oh, one call man. You’re destroying my journalistic gumption with every word. Cronkite, Brokaw, Ben Arnold!

Sammy: Alright you, just call the guy. I know you’re not going to drop it.

[The sound of a phone dialing]

Ben: (cheering) Yessss!

Sammy: (sarcastically) Thanks, Troy.

Ben: Yeah, thanks Troy.

Rosenbloom: Good evening, King Falls coroner’s office.

Ben: Uh, Dr. Rosenbloom?

Rosenbloom: Is this Ben Arnold?

Ben: You bet it is! You are live on the air with Sammy and I.

Rosenbloom: (without emotion) Wowzers. How exciting. To what do I owe this pleasure?

Sammy: Dr. Rosenbloom, there is a commotion going tonight down at Lake Hatchenaw. Seemingly a police investigation? 

Ben: We were told that you might know what’s going on. Is that true?

Rosenbloom: I don’t know the first thing about a police investigation, gentlemen. However, I believe you may be referring to the FBI looking into the body of one Rich McGuff found in-

Ben: Wait, did you just say Rich McGuff has… died?

Rosenbloom: Not in so many words, but his body was found in a lifeless state by two elderly gentlemen out motor boating on Lake Hatchenaw just a few-

Sammy: Herschel and Cecil found Rich McGuff dead?

Ben: This is terrible news!

Rosenbloom: It is rather disturbing to say the least. 

Ben: Kingsie didn’t… uh… you know…

Sammy: He’ll get to it, Ben. Dr. Rosenbloom, uh, would you happen to have the official cause of death for Mr. McGuff?

Ben: Had to be foul play man! Nobody that could grow a mustache that lucious and shiny can have any sickness in him. Please, just please, Dr. Rosenbloom, tell me Kingsie didn’t have anything to do with this.

Rosenbloom: There was no evidence of Kingsie having had her way with the body.

Ben: That’s good news. Oh man, should you even be talking about this? Does Rich’s family know? This is breaking news we don’t wanna-

Rosenbloom: Rich McGuff had no known next of kin to be found, so while it’s definitely sad when one shuffles the mortal coil, at least there wasn’t family to find out about his murder.

Ben: I’m sorry, what?

Sammy: Dr. Rosenbloom, are you telling us that Rich McGuff was murdered? This wasn’t a drowning or…

Ben: This is crazy!

Sammy: A murder in King Falls.

Rosenbloom: Obviously it’s a very concerning matter. The strangulation is what did it in. The gunshots, the knife wounds, the bludgeoning were such overkill. Really uncouth in my professional opinion. Once Rich awakened, I tried to speak and see if he knew who had done such heinous and despicable act, however there was only a slight hissing but guttural sound emanating from the exposed chest cavity

Sammy: What?

Ben: Dr. Rosenbloom, are you saying that not only was Rich McGuff murdered, but he also turned into a zombie too?

Rosenbloom: We don’t like to use the ‘zed’ word in the office, but yes, the body of Rich McGuff did reanimate after some time and stimuli.

Ben: Sammy take your ten bucks man, you win!

Sammy: Am I understanding correctly that Rich McGuff turned into one of those…

Ben: Zombies!

Sammy: Reanimated corpses like the John Doe?

Rosenbloom: You are correct, Sammy. Mr. McGuff being the tenth such instance in the past year since the Hatchenaw Doe is a pretty exciting time to be alive, believe you me.

Ben: Or undead.

Rosenbloom: That as well. However there really is nothing behind the eyes after the initial passing. The lights are on, knock knock, but nobody is home. It is the ultimate metaphorical ding dong ditch.

Ben: Wait, you said tenth instance? What the f-(beep) is going on here?

Rosenbloom: Apart from the obvious, not much Ben. It’s not like I’m quietly amassing an army of undead to do my bidding or anything as crazy as that. Aha, ha, ha, hm.

Sammy: (slowly) Okay… I think that’s about as much as I can take tonight. Thanks for the information, doc. Folks, please keep Rich McGuff in your thoughts.

Ben: Or just go down to the coroner’s office and throw uncooked meat at him! He’s a zombie, man!

Rosenbloom: You two are a riot, trust me everything down here is more than under control. I mean, except that there is a murderer on the loose in King Falls. The undead are certainly properly contained and accounted for.

Ben: Oh my… This is the worst!

Sammy: Dr. Rosenbloom, please give us a call should… I- I don’t know, I’m at a loss for words here.

Rosenbloom: I hate to be the life of the party and run, gentlemen, but I hear a slight rustling coming from the cold chamber, and I haven't seen my assistant Zoe in a little bit. Hm. Haha, ha, ha.

Sammy: Unbelievable. Stay safe, Dr. Rosenbloom. We’ll be in touch soon.

Rosenbloom: Duces. And I’m out.

[The phone hangs up]

Sammy: Jack-in-the-Box-Jesus! Can we go to break, Ben? I don’t know what-

Ben: The hotline is lit up, Sammy.

Sammy: The hotline? Do you have an interview scheduled?

Ben: I don’t, man! Only a couple people have that number.

Sammy: F-(beep) it. It can’t be crazier than the last twenty minutes.

Ben: Wanna go double or nothing?

Sammy: God. No. Good evening, you’re live on King Falls AM.

[Dogs yipping in the background]

Caller: Finally! I’ve been dialing your slowpoke asses all night long!

Ben: Archie? For the tenth time, you know if this is an emergency you should call the Sheriff’s office. Or Troy.

Sammy: I think they even have a special number you can call. It starts with a 9 and ends with a-

Archie: I know all about that, you silly Sally. And don’t get snarky with me! I’m literally calling you fools with the biggest damn piece of news in your little radio show’s history.

Ben: What’s going on, Archie? Is it the werewolves? Princess VonBarktooth?

Archie: It ain’t the damn werewolves! Thank heavens. I think the rainbow lights kept their furry butts in their trailer yard thank god, probably doing furry trailer park things… I’m sure they’ll stop now since the rainbow lights are gone.

Sammy: I’m sorry, did you say the rainbow lights are gone?

Archie: You bet your buttered up ass they are! I mean it just happened so maybe-

Sammy: Ben, you wanna check this out? Archie, thanks so much for breaking this news, this is a big deal!

Archie: Well, you’re welcome and such, but that ain’t the story you’re gonna be on your hands and knees thanking me for.

Sammy: There’s more?

Archie: Oh you bet your custom tailored britches there is! You see, oh my! They’re gonna to be sending the King Falls Gazette to take pictures soon! Oh I just know it! I need to get gussied up and fix my hair and put the Princess’s tiara on. So much to do, so little time I-

Sammy: Not if you don’t tell us, Archie.

Ben: They’re gone, Sammy! I can’t believe it, after two weeks the UFO’s lights just up and leave without- anything?

Sammy: Oh man, the bronys are going to be so disappointed.

Archie: May I speak now? I mean I don’t wanna interrupt your damn rainbow lightbrights commercial.

Sammy: Sorry, Archie. Ben, Archie was just saying that he has more news, it wasn’t just the lights leaving.

Ben: Is it good or bad news?

Archie: If you closed your damn trap I’d tell you. 

Ben: Trap closed!

Archie: Well, I’d been soaking in my bathtub for just the longest damn time. Rufus and I were watching youtube videos, trying to lock down that stanky leg dance. Have y'all ever heard of that?

Sammy: Stanky leg?

Ben: I don’t know, keep going, Archie.

Archie: Well, long story short I mighta stanked it up a little too much and I pulled a hammy so I was taking a hot bath when I hear the loudest damn banging outside. I thought it mighta been the wolves, or even worse, the puppy babies come back, so I limped out as quick as I could, and at my door was the craziest thing I ever saw!

Sammy: Which was?

Archie: A fully nude man! Just dangling and banging on my front door and asking me for help, and I mean not a stitch of clothing on him.

Sammy: I have to believe that isn’t the craziest thing you’ve laid eyes on.

Archie: Well in this instance yes, trust me.

Ben: Archie, you didn’t sign up for Billy Sherwood’s naked yoga, did you?

Archie: That’s none of your damn business, Ben! But I might have. Anyway, this was a man that needed some help. More-so, I think it was a man you boys might want to talk to.

Sammy: Um… okay, and who would that be?

Archie: You boys better appreciate this! Cause I could’ve called Channel 13 or any other news outlet in town-

Ben: Channel 13 isn’t a news outlet, man. The main eleven o'clock news story was about the slushy machine getting retired at Nick’s Exit 13 Oasis. But we do thank you for calling us first, Archie.

Archie: Y’all just remember who loves you b-(beep).

Other Caller: Are these the men that can help?

Archie: Here, darling, take the phone. These boys will get you sorted out.

Tim: Hello? This is Tim, uh, Tim Jenson. Do I know you? Can you help me? I- I’m trying to find my way home, but… I just can’t remember where home is.

[An eerie tone transitions into the King Falls outro music and credits begin.]

References:

Brony: a male My Little Pony fan

Furry: I’m not explaining that one…

John Stamos: an American actor

X-files: science fiction television show

Agent Scully: X-files character

President Lyndon B. Johnson: a US president

Foxtrot: a type of dance

Begonias: a type of pink flower

Alphabet Boys: people who work for the government

Guantanamo: a US military prison in Cuba

Cronkite: an American journalist

Brokaw: an American journalist

Characters:

Ben Arnold, Sammy Stevens, Howard Ford Beauregard III, Ron Begley, Troy, Dr. Jeffery Rosenbloom, Stephan Grisham, Jeffery Rosenbloom, Archie

[ronbegleyformayor]

in my opinion it should not be a controversial statement to say that podcasts should be accessible

[kkorny]

Episode Seventy-One: Long Distance Relationship Transcript

(Note: First off to explain how my style of transcriptions work, a word in Italics means that the word is said with a different tone or Lily’s interludes in this episode. The Bold means extra emphasis on the word, generally anger/annoyance or just raising their voice and the name of the character who’s speaking. (Brackets) means extra sounds like laughs and sighs or background sound. Honestly, the quintessential King Falls AM episode. It’s has Sammy angst, supernatural weird/creepy stuff, Ben being a supportive good boi, Troy and his variety of original metaphors, Grumpy Herschel and SADNESS. And this episode shows how much progress Sammy has made in Episode 85. Lastly, the man, the myth, the cryptid Trent Shumway effing kills it in episode. Not only does he voice so many characters, each character is unique. Herschel’s role in this episode alone is worthy of an Oscar.)

(King Falls AM Theme song plays and the sound of a walkie talkie)

Herschel Baumgardner: Code Hotel Bravo to Delta Tango. I see the barrel of your boom-stick but you're aiming a tad bit high. Bring her down to your six just a smidge. (Walkie-talkie sound)

Sammy Stevens: Herschel, we implore you that we do not condone violence of any kind! Can you- (sighs) can you please not do anything involving-

Ben Arnold: Mister Baumgardner, what Sammy is saying is don't.

Herschel: That looks much much better. (Walkie talkie sound) Now what are you taint-tickles squawking about?

Sammy: About the fact you and Cecil are seemingly about to ambush!-

Herschel: Goddamn it, Shotgun. I didn't mean anything by that "taint-tickling" comment. Don't take it personal.

Sammy: I wasn't going to, until you said that!

Ben: Mister Baumgardner, please don't do any rash or stupid tonight. We-we are begging you.

Herschel: (WT sound) Delta tango, wait for my signal. I'll count you in. Copy? (W-t sound) Now what in a dick-filled Dixie cups are you two talking about, Ben Arnold? Did you just call me stupid?!

Ben: No!

Herschel: Son, I will drag you out of that radio station by your Bvds, rip off your arms and do the dead man's Macarena.

Ben: I didn't call you stupid!

Herschel: Goddamn right you didn't!

Ben: I called this secret mission stupid! It sounds dangerous and ill-conceived at best.

Sammy: Herschel, we cannot knowingly let you carry out some late night hit live on the air. If you and Cecil could just call off your ambush and talk about this, we'd appreciate it.

Ben: Greatly!

Herschel: What does Cecil have to do with any of this? And the time for talk is over and done with. (W-t sounds) On my signal we light this little bitch-ass.

Sammy: Should we call Deputy Lynch, Ben? I'm at a loss on this. Herschel, we will call the authorities if we have to. Please do not make us.

Herschel: Muzzle up, Comrade. We have movement. (WT sound) Lights in the back just came on. Stay low and stay silent, and put your biscuits in the oven cause we're about to butter em up. Hotel bravo, out. (WT)

(Crashing and door opening sound)

Greg Frickard: (Scared and confused) Uh, hello? (Steps forward) Hello? Is anybody out there? (Gasps) Sir Hopps-a-lot?

Ben: Holy- Are Mister Baumgardner and Mister Sheffield about to-?

Herschel: How many times do I have to tell you?! Cecil ain't with me, ya goofy little shit!

Greg: (calls out scared ) I hear you! Oh I hear you. Listen um I will um I will call (voice starts cracks) Sheriff Gunderson. And he will come over and oh he will end you. So you you come out and you show yourself. And you will probably leave(?)

Ben: Listen you can't do this Mister Baumgardner...

Herschel: We can't let this froggy freak make it back to the house! Fire at will! Light em up!

Sammy: Herschel no!!

(Sound of Paintballs firing and Frickard getting hit)

Herschel: Laughs) Peppered his peckered ass with those goddamn paintballs.

Sammy: Paintballs?

Ben: Oh dear god... I thought they were about to Murk his frog-loving ass.

Frickard: Oh god... you could have at least used green. You know that’s my favourite colour.

Sammy: This is still not right...

Herschel: I’m out, string-bean. Get down hamburger hill and let’s book.

Walkie talkie sound)

Wouldn’t waste a good bullet on that sorry son of a bitch!

Sammy: Herschel... why on earth are you sneaking around in the middle of the night and shooting up places of business with paintballs??!

Herschel: Hurry your lanky ass up! Mister Toad’s choad ain’t gonna be pissed in his pajama jams all night. He’s probably already on the phone with Gundy.

Troy Krieghauser: Sorry I’m here! Let’s book it Danno.

(Sound of car streaking away)

Ben: Wait is that...?

Sammy: Ok what in the hell is going on here?

Troy: Uh are you are you on the phone?

Herschel: Hell yes I’m on the phone and don’t go citing me your police number mumbo jumbo about using hands free devices because you ain’t a cop.

Troy: Uh who ya talking to? Is that Mister Sheffield?

Herschel: Hell no it ain’t Cecil. You know he wanted to stay home and rest. It’s your dumbass radio buddies.

Sammy: I can’t believe this...

Ben: Why on earth? You are live on the air mister-

(Sound of phone hanging up)

Ben: Sammy, what are you doing?!

Sammy: We had a bad connection,

Ben: No we didn’t?! We just heard a-

Sammy: -Prank call! Right Ben?!

Ben: I don’t see how mister Baum-

Sammy: -Right?!?!

Ben: Right... How silly of me to think that was something that actually happened and not an elaborate joke by someone impersonating a couple of our favourite callers...

Sammy: Great voice work! Some would say award winning.

Ben: I have to agree.

Sammy: (Sighs) That was way too much excitement.

Ben: Fake excitement!

Sammy: Right right you are correct. my goodness can we just go to break? Can we please just make that happen?

Ben: No can do! We got another couple minutes, Sammy. Also we got a call in from-

(Interrupted Sound of phone ringing)

Sammy: From the hotline?

Ben: Actually no with Dwayne Libbydale from Libbydale farms in about twenty minutes or so.

Sammy: But until then?

Ben: Hotline. Yes answer the thing! Who knows what other pranks are afoot out there?

Sammy: You are live on King Falls Am with Sammy And Ben.

Ben: It has such a nice ring to it doesn’t it?

Sammy: Enough...

Troy: Yawns) Oo woo wee. Howdy fellas! Long time no talk. Just woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep so I-

Herschel: don’t you dare say you were getting some make believe shut eye with me. The only person I knock boots with fake or otherwise was my dear sweet Edna. God rest her soul.

Sammy: ... Hey Troy. Sorry you couldn’t get back to sleep this evening.

Herschel: Goddamn Millennial nonsense. With your verbal shit posts. I expect more from a man in uniform, Krieghauser.

Ben: Is that your ornery Herschel Baumgardner alarm clock, Troy?

Troy: Well well I see I didn’t finish my story!

Sammy: Please do tell Troy!

Troy: First things first. Sammy?

Herschel: Sammy?

Troy: It’s good to hear you back on the air after all that mess with that dirty so and so. No you know what I’m just gonna say it! That dirty son of a bitch! He had no right no right at all to do that to you bud! I’m sorry you had to deal with it like that.

Herschel: Stevens? Why can you talk to those sorry sons of bitches and I can’t?

Troy: Like old Ben said, who you love or who loves you don’t matter one damn bit. I know I liked you from the very start and I consider you a brother and a best friend.

Sammy: I- i really appreciate that Troy.

Troy: Don’t think another thing of it! You got enough waiting on your mind to be thinking about what small towns and small minds might think of you. You’re a good man and that’s the only thing that should matter when it comes right down to it.

Sammy: I agree 100% percent Troy. And thanks for being you. You are a great friend.

Herschel: What’s he saying?

Troy: Second of all, now that the important stuff is out of the way. I’ve been catching up with old mister Baumgardner down here at umm Rose’s

Ben: Uh huh let me guess you’ve been-

Troy: Been here the last hour or so give or take.

Herschel: We just pulled up to Rose’s. Did you fall on some poisonous briar patches up there, Deputy?

Troy: Been here at Rose’s all night, Mister Baumgardner.

Herschel: Son Of a bitch, I ain’t deaf. I was just saying that- Yeah yeah! I like your style, Troy! Been here eating this godforsaken slog all the Mfing night.

(Sound of door opening)

You want something?

Troy: I’m good. Thanks Bud. Be in in sec.

Herschel: Watch it with that Bud stuff you lousy high-crossed Andy Griffith.

Troy: Anyhow, couldn’t sleep so I went up here for pancake puppies at Rose’s, found Mister Baumgardner up here. The end. All night long. The last hour or so I mean.

Ben: You yawned when we answered the phone, Troy.

Troy: Gosh darnit Ben. It’s late and I’m so gosh darn sleepy. And loose lips sink ships, ‘member Bud.

Ben: You’re right you’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just you know better than to wake up during these crazy hours and have pancake puppies with Mr Baumgardner.

Sammy: Even if its greatly appreciated, Troy. It still isn’t the smartest thing to do, you know?

Troy: Well I needed these Pancake puppies something awful bois. I had a big old hankering for heeping pile of justice and maple syrup.

Sammy: Syrup and Justice aside, please stay safe out there buddy.

Troy: Will do now I’m gonna go catch up with Mr Baumgardner and-

Ben: -and fill him in on your exciting evening?

Troy: Ben, this ain’t no laughing matter. Cut. It. Out, Joey Gladstone.

Ben: But you know better than to go and-

Troy: Have Rose’s in the middle of the night? You’re right! I do know better. I also know right from wrong. And I like righting wrongs too. Sometimes all those things come together. Just not tonight cause I was at Rose’s.

Ben: Understood.

Sammy: Troy…

Troy: I don’t need that tone Sammy. I know what you’re going to say. Sometimes pancakes puppies are best sold cold but in this case they’re served better not at all but I have to disagree with you there.

Sammy: I trust your judgement. Just again please stay safe out there there’s only one of you.

Troy: Loretta would say thank goodness for that. You boys take ‘er easy tonight and hopefully we can catch up all proper like.

Sammy: I hope we catch up soon too, future Sheriff.

Troy: Hey Sammy? About that sheriff stuff?

Ben: Everything ok? You’re not you’re not thinking about dropping out are you?

Troy: Heck nah! Hell I just filled out my paperwork down at City hall just yesterday morning.

Ben: Yes! This town needs this. Needs you!

Sammy: What’s up if it’s not you-

Troy: You know Sammy? You and I have been tighter than a python hugging an Opossum since you drove into King Falls. Wouldn’t you say?

Sammy: You were the very first person I met from Town, Troy. I recall it fondly.

Troy: Then you should know It would mean an awful lot to me and I mean an awful lot if I could count on your vote for sheriff come this November.

Sammy: Troy... of course I’d vote for you..

Ben: You heard it here folks Sammy Stevens will be here in November to vote.

Sammy: Damn It Ben.

Troy: Look I know you’ve got a whole hell of a lot on your plate these days. Damn dirty dealing with Frickard. The stuff about you know...-

Sammy: Jack.

Troy: Right.

Sammy: Right.

Troy: Jack Wright. I get it. I reckon it’s been on your plate for a lot longer than the past little while in all actuality.

Sammy: I understand what you’re saying, Troy. I just I really do wish-

Troy: I don’t think you do. I know you came here for him and I heard it and all just like the rest of the town. (Sammy: I’m sure.) But damn it all Sammy! I get that you’re hurtin, I truly do! But do you think that going back to California is gonna fix you back up? Get you right? I just don’t believe that and I don’t think you believe that either.

Sammy: It’s not about getting fixed up. There’s just there just isn’t better for me without Jack. Look I know you guys mean well-

Ben: We love you, Sammy. The whole town loves you. What are you going back to in the big city?

Sammy: It’s not the whole town first of all. And it’s not about the town Ben, it’s it’s so much more than that.

Ben: Than your friends?

Sammy: Ben...

Troy: Sammy? Ben is right. I know you said you was giving up but we ain’t gonna let you. Not today, not tomorrow, not never and not nohow.

Ben: I know we can find Jack, Sammy. Damnit I know we can!

Sammy: (sighs) Guys, this is a conversation for another time.

Troy: It just ain’t right. And I can’t with a good conscience let you go without saying my piece. You deserve better than being alone, Sammy.

Sammy: I disagree.

Ben: Well, you’re wrong.

Troy: Look at it like this, Sammy. I need all the help I can get in the upcoming election. A vote is a vote and we all know that everyone counts especially here in King Falls. Not only that but you’re a voice of the people.

Sammy: And so is Ben.

Troy: Well, when Ben needed us most, the town got together and did all we could to help a brother out. And to Ben’s credit, he didn’t put a Trump wall in between him and that help.

Sammy: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Ben Arnold is a hell of a guy, we all know that and it’s quite obvious that he’s a hero to boot. Not everybody is. Not everybody can be.

Troy: All I’m asking is that you stick around a little while longer and let us do the same for you. Get your head right and get you better.

Sammy: Right.

Ben: He’s just asking you to let us in. Give us time. Let us help. Just like everyone that’s been calling the last two weeks has been saying.

Sammy: Guys, no! Now let’s move on past this...-

Troy: Well Hell’s bells, Sammy! You know I ain’t gonna get a fair shake in this election. I’m gonna need all the help I can get from my co-best bud!

Sammy: I just can’t do it, Troy!

Troy: Dollars to donut holes, Sammy! I’d give up running for sheriff in a heart beat if it took away your pain!

Sammy: I understand but I need both of you to understand that I can’t do what you are asking me to do.

Ben: Won’t do. Not can’t.

Sammy: It’s the same thing, Ben.

Ben: I’ve got a new contract from Merv sitting on your desk.

Sammy: I threw it away. Let me tell you I’m getting sick and tired of you leaving them around everywhere. Alright?

Ben: Well it’s a good thing I printed out enough copies to kill Sweetzer forest.

Troy: And deforestation ain’t a good thing Sammy.

Ben: All it takes is one signature.

Troy: This is the last time I’ll say it. But I am gonna say it. I know you’re ready to give up and run away. I know it and I get it to some degree. When I got the badge taken away from me, I felt more lost than a puppy raised by polecats. But sittin-

Sammy: Troy please it’s not-

Troy: Let let let me finish. But sittin in an empty apartment back from where you’re from, ain’t gonna bring back Jack.

Ben: But we can. There’s no doubt in my mind, Sammy.

Sammy: Ben...

Troy: Look you might be right, Sammy, the odds are stacked against us and we all know it. But you didn’t haul your cookies to this one horse town to give up. You stayed in King Falls with the hopes that you’d get Jack back into your arms. Now I know that hasn’t happened yet but it damn sure is possible and you can’t forget about creatin a fantastic life here. Even if it wasn’t what you wished for. But it’s a life with friends that love you. We all wanna hear you broadcasting nightly on 660 am. And we’re all gonna put in an extra bit of elbow grease to make that happen and more importantly make you whole again!

Ben: Troy is absolutely right, Sammy, and I know you’re tired of hearing it but I’ve working on something-

Sammy: I am tired ! -What?

Ben: i have started a thought journal and I think there’s more than enough evidence.

Sammy: Goddamn it Ben! Are you serious?!

Ben: What?!

Sammy: A thought journal?!

Ben: Well at least it’s not a notebook?

(Sammy signature Uh huh noise)

Ben: Ok maybe it is and maybe I called it a thought journal to sneak it by you but regardless... I’ve been busting my ass on it day- And you said to make our time count and I’m doing just that. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends working with Emily.

Sammy: NO.

Troy: Sammy..?

Sammy: Do not Sammy me Troy. I I appreciate what you’re saying it it means a lot to me. I hope you know that. But for the last time, I can’t do what you’re asking me to do.

Ben: Sammy?

Sammy: I’ll deal with you in a second, Ben.

Ben: I’m sorry? Deal?

Sammy: Troy? When was the last time you were at my apartment?

Troy: Uh I don’t know?

Sammy: Right. Think about that.

Ben: What does that even mean, dude? I was at your place in January.

Sammy: Ok perfect example then. How do you like my place?

Ben: What?

Sammy: Its it’s a simple question. How do you like my apartment, Ben?

Ben: it’s fine. I mean it’s it’s just an apartment.

Sammy: Exactly that. It’s a couple rooms with some of my shit in it. It’s just an apartment because isn’t my home.

Ben: King Falls is your home, Sammy.

Sammy: No! I live here. I rent space here. Home is where the heart is and my heart is in the void with Jack Fucking Wright.

Troy: Alright alright I think maybe we should table this conversation and pick it up at another time, boys. We’re just doing laps in the please Sammy stay 500.

Sammy: I cant be here without Jack. I don’t wanna be here without Jack. I don’t want to be anywhere without Jack. Period.

Troy: Buddy...

Sammy: I-i love you guys and I even love this crazy town even though I failed. One of the many times I’ve failed but this one hurts the most. I I should’ve been able to save him.

Ben: You weren’t going to waltz into town not knowing anything about King Falls or the paranormal and just find Jack. That wasn’t in the cards. Ever.

Sammy: I did NOTHING and I did it for three goddamn years, Ben.

Ben: You helped me save Emily! That’s not nothing! You you helped me be the man I need to be. That’s not nothing.

Sammy: I sat here every night and pretended to be something I’m not. Hoping... hoping that Jack would waltz back into my life. Safe. Sound, Mentally. Well. I called places. I drove around. I looked online. I did nothing. It meant nothing.

Ben: So you’re saying we’re nothing to you? That all the friendships we’ve built don’t mean anything?

Sammy: I’m not saying that.

Ben: It sounds like that’s exactly what you’re saying.

Sammy: I’m hurting. I’m dying. I need to find Jack or I need to give it up. I tried one and now I’m doing the other.

Ben: You did one badly.

Sammy: Are you serious?!

Ben: You said it yourself! You that you looked for Jack badly. I told you there was no way you would’ve been able to do this alone. Knowing nothing about this shit!

Sammy: You don’t get to say that.

Ben: I don’t get to say that? I’m repeating you word for word! And I think if anybody gets to say that, it would be me.

Sammy: Don’t make this about you and me, Ben. It it is so much more than that.

Ben: Don’t make not finding Jack about you and King Falls. Let us help you, let us heal you. Good god, Sammy! You’ve hurt alone long enough. Stay in this goddamn town and let us at least try to make you better. You’ve made a life with us, man. Keep it!

Sammy: No.

Ben: Well I’ll ask you to stay until the day you drive off and don’t think I won’t do it.

Sammy: Ok! And you can do that Ben. But don’t get your hopes up! And for your sake, by god, put the put your thought journal new notebook away and quit bringing Emily and Troy into this.

Troy: To be fair, I brought myself into this.

Ben: And I’m not gonna stop with the notebook.

Sammy: Ben, I’m not playing with you.

Ben: I’m not playing with you, Sammy! You can’t just walk out on me, on us and expect me to do nothing! To grin and bear it. You’re making a huge mistake by leaving. I think your only mistake in this matter. But you’re free to do that.

Sammy: Ok, well thanks for letting me know I can leave.

Ben: I don’t want that, Sammy. I want you to stay more than anything. But I can’t force you to. Just like you can’t force me to stop looking for Jack. Even if you’re gone.

Sammy: Watch it.

Ben: Stop dad-voicing me, Sammy, I’m a grown man.

Sammy: Did you tell you height that?

Ben: Mhmm so funny. You can’t stop me from looking for him. I brought back Emily and damnit I will bring back Jack.

Sammy: Throw that notebook in the trash and stop this nonsense!

Ben: I’m gonna keep writing a save Jack notebook. Just like I did for Emily. In fact I’m gonna fill up every fucking notebook in town until I bring Jack Wright back to King Falls. Mark my words!

Troy: Boys boys hang on a spell. I think we got a situation here.

Sammy: Ben I’m not going to have you putting yourself in danger. Again. Not for me. Not for Jack. You you can’t do this.

Ben: Well I guess you better stay to stop me.

Troy: Shitfire boys!

(Sound of car door opening)

Ben and Sammy: What?!

Herschel: I hope you brought a real pistola Sheriff 40! Because we’re about to go blast some MotherFuckers to king of Kong. Son of a bitch!!!

Troy: Herschel, what in the world?!

Herschel: Ain’t got time to yak, deputy Dipstick! We’re riding out!

(Sound of car skidding away)

Troy: I ain’t got my seatbelt on!

Ben: What what what is going on, Troy?

Sammy: We aren’t through talking about this Ben.

Troy: I better go boys Herschel is driving like a Dale Earnheart out here. Herschel. There are bush’s there for heavens sake.

(Crashing sounds)

Herschel: and now there’s ain’t bushes there. Motherfuck. Don’t fail me now, Grand Cherokee.

Troy: Jack in the Box Jesus. He’s gonna drive us off a damn cliff.

Herschel: Are you still talking to Vladimir Putin and his miniature buddy Ben Jong Un? You talk more than Trumpy tweets on the can. Get off the phone and try Cecil!

Troy: Mister Sheffield?

Herschel: Did I fucking stutter? Give me that Nokia!

Troy: Keep your hands on the wheel. Oh my lord! I ain’t ready to meet Saint Peter Of San Pedro tonight.

Herschel: Shotgun? Ben?

Sammy: Herschel, What in the hell is going on?

Ben: Mister Baumgardner I know you’re a little excited but we’re actually kind of in the middle of thing here regarding Sammy and King Falls. Would would you mind-

Herschel: -Oh for the love of Napalm. I need to speak to an adult. Shotgun?

Sammy: Herschel.

Herschel: Look I know you got caught doing things that would get you tossed right out of this man’s army back in the day.

Sammy: Yeah I don’t want this.

Herschel: But that don’t mean a damn thing to me. I know you’ve got a backbone. I’ve heard you stand up to bad men for years. I’ve heard you stand up to... bad other things too. Right here on the radio.

Sammy: Herschel

Herschel: You’re a badass is what I’m saying, Stevens. I’d have you watching my six any day of the week, regardless of what team you fight for. You get what I’m saying?

Troy: Herschel, my lord, watch out for that mailbox!

Herschel: I saw the fucker. Now it’s airmail. Happy? Calm your ass down, Copper. What I’m saying is this world needs all the good men it can get. And I need you to back my ass up right now, kid.

Sammy: Ok I appreciate that but I don’t understand what you mean…-

Ben: How how can we help back you up?

Herschel: I need you two buffoons to stop fighting about Shotgun staying or leaving and try to get Cecil on the line. And I mean on the double, boys!

Sammy: Ok but...-

Herschel: -No buts. Cecil’s in deep deep dog shit and I’m busting my ass to go save his. Maybe you can do the same thing for your man too, Stevens. But right now get your head out of your ass and CALL CECIL!

(Phone hangs up)

Sammy: Ok i don’t understand.

Ben: I don’t either. Let’s just let’s call Mr Sheffield!

Sammy: Deep trouble? It’s three am? I-I thought they said he was sleeping?!

Ben: Well 3 am and trouble go pretty well together here, you know? Ok I got his number.

Sammy: You don’t think this is about Frickard do you?

Ben: It can’t be... I just I can’t think he’d retaliate and go after Mr Sheffield.

Sammy: Ok folks we are gonna take a real quick break here. Please stay wth us while we hear from our lovely sponsors. We’ll we’ll be right back.

(Archie’s Pomchi palace jingle starts playing but soon becomes increasingly distorted, slowed down and filled with static. Aka the scariest fucking audio recording ever when the Shadow Man says “Soooooon” at the end of the recording. Also a weird sound at the end of the “Soon” sounds like an echoey “hey” could be a secret Easter egg (maybe Jack or Mike?) and a second less long “soon”. And how they turned a catchy tune into a thing of nightmares. Static fades out but still there)

Ben: -to come and check on you.

Cecil: I’m just fine and dandy, Ben. (Static starts increasing again)

Ben: Wait... the commercial stopped? We’re back on the air?

Sammy: Cecil, can you hear us alright? There’s some static.

Ben: Sammy, we’re live again dude. What the hell happened to Archie’s ad?

Cecil: I kinda hear you, Ben’s friend. This connection ain’t the best.

Ben: Why why did Mister Baumgardner have us call you? Do you know?

Sammy: It sounds like Herschel is breaking every driving law in the books to get to you. You you don’t know why?

Cecil: I really ain’t so sure. He called and asked if I wanted something from Rose’s diner. And then got all freaked out on me.

Ben: Did he say why?

(Sounds of the shadow man in the background start and Cecil’s voice starts getting possessed)

Cecil: He told me to get out of the hHoOuse. And wait for him by his tree. Ben, something about Shadows.

Shadow Man: Shadows.

Cecil: Shadows...

Sammy: Did you hear?

Ben: I’m sorry Mister Sheffield. what was that?

Shadow Man: I better go...

Cecil: I better go. And wait for Herschel.

Shadow Man: (Groans a bunch)

Ben: Holy...-

Sammy: -Shit.

Cecil: TeLl HiM. Turn around Ben. Don’t let Herschel come in here. I got a bad feeling, son. I don’t think I’m...

Shadow Man: (Echoey) You Will Obey.

Cecil: ObEy!

Sammy: You gotta call Herschel. You gotta stop him.

Ben: I’m on it. How did they- that’s the guy right?

Sammy: Cecil, c-can you hear me?

Cecil: I hear you just fine, SaMmY.

Sammy: Oh shit.

Cecil: Looks like-

Shadow Man: -A VeSsEl.

Cecil: (eerily calm) Herschel is here, Sammy. I’m gonna go out and see what the big to do is about.

Sammy: (starting to panic) Cecil, don’t do that. Stay here on the phone with me please.

Cecil: I can’t do that Sammy Stevens.

Sammy: Cecil I-I know you can fight it. Whatever his is I-I heard it fight it stay with me. Stay with us.

Ben: They just pulled up to Herschel’s place and damn it!

Sammy: Cecil let’s let’s talk. Let’s talk about Esther.

Shadow Man: Find it. Fight it!

Cecil: (goes back to normal for a little bit) Esther? Esther Rollins? Well she’s my girl, Ben’s friend. Has she called in?

Sammy: Uh yeah she she has. We just talked to her, Cecil.

Cecil: Oh Ben’s friend… I miss her so much. I keep this little crocheted heart she made me.

Shadow Man: She’s here, Cecil with mE. With us. Would you want to see her? (Echoey and weird demonic laughing in background)

Cecil: I want to see her real bad Ben’s friend.

Sammy: Fight it, Cecil. Do you hear me? Talk talk to me. Fight it.

Cecil: Fight?

Sammy: Yes yes fight it.

Ben: Herschel doesn’t know what to do man. He he wants to go in. Should he go in?

Sammy: No!

Shadow Man: Yes!

Debbie: No!

Jack/ unknown voice: Help me!

Cecil: I don’t feel so good, Ssms Friend.

Sammy: Herschel cannot go in there Ben.

Shadow Man/Cecil: CoMe SaVe HiM, sAmMy.

Sammy: Cecil? Save save who? Let him go, you son of a bitch!

Shadow Man: JaCk. WrIgHt

Sammy: (shocked and scared) What?

Ben: Cecil?

Sammy: YOU LET HIM GO!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?!?

Ben: Sammy what is?-

(Shadow man laughing)

Cecil: He said Esther was there, Ben’s friend. And Edna. And Debbie. They’re all there. I didn’t know. Did did I do something bad?

Sammy: YOU LET HIM GO!

Cecil: I don’t feel so good.

(Shadow Man roaring)

Sammy: C-Cecil? Can you can you hear me Cecil? Cecil?

(Knocking at door)

Debbie: I need more time!

(Sound of door breaking in and Cecil falling on the ground)

Herschel: Call an ambulance Troy! I just watched Cecil hit the floor! Son of a bitch! DON’T YOU DO THIS TO ME, Cecil! You hear me, Buddy?! You can’t do this to me. Not again... GODDAMN IT. NOT YOU TOO... Come on Cecil. Please don’t do this. You’re all I’ve got.

(End of the episode, ends with beautiful but sad piano music, Credits roll)

[king-falls-underground]

Good morning Third parties and residents of King falls, its been a hot minute hasn’t it? Well that’s because here in the Underground we’ve had a change of plans regarding releases of our episodes. So from now on we were going to release episodes of the underground on the 5th and 20th of every month. This is to make the underground slightly more visible and also provide you listeners with the upmost up to date with the newest releases from the station.

Another thing that you might have noticed but we now have accessible and available transcripts! These will update every time our episodes do so we allow anyone to come and enjoy this pet project of ours.

Ko-fi / Catch up here

[sabetha]

Favorite Podcasts: King Falls AM

Nice doesn’t even begin to describe it. I mean, the little shops, the scenery, it’s literally a mountain Mayberry. Oh, you have no idea. We’ve been voted best small town in America six years straight by the King Falls chamber of commerce. ...The town voted the town, best small town in America? I’m not sure that’s the way it works, Ben.

[kingfallstranscripts-blog]

Episode 18: Make King Falls Great Again

Sammy:Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to a very special daytime broadcast with Sammy and Ben.

Ben: We are live at the Main Street park celebrating a very special day with what looks like the entire town.

Sammy: I gotta tell ya, while I've got my doubts about the veracity of the claim today -

Ben: Don't.

Sammy: Let me finish...this defiantly brings a smile to my face and warms my heart to see this massive turn out. So many familiar faces...and voices. This is a big deal...

Ben: Yeah, Sammy, it is a big deal. Can you name another town in history that's been voted best small town in america 7 years straight?!

Sammy: Legit? Or just by the Chamber of Commerce? 

Ben: ... that's besides the point.

Sammy: I think that'st he actual entire point, Ben. This is propaganda. 

Ben: Don't! 

Sammy: But very lovely propaganda, no less. 

Ben: Don't go all "conspiracy theorist" on me. You don't even believe half the stuff that walks right on through our radio station door! 

Sammy: You know what, you're right. I'm just gonna punt this care package of sense and reason right out the door and instead celebrate our towns storied history like a patriotic citizen. 

Ben: That is good to hear. 

Sammy: You're ridiculous. 

Ben: It is what it is man! Regardless of who voted on this, I believe it is the best small town in america. 

Sammy: And you know that is what really counts. 

Ben: You see that parade, Sammy? How can you be pouting over statistics with a parade like that?

Sammy: It was a beautiful parade. I'm not completely sure that the day-time strippers from Sassy's House of Ass should have been along side the rest of the floats, but... not my call.

Ben: I will concede you that point. Although! A big shout out to Karen's Craft Corner for best use of paper mache on that stripping pole. 

Sammy: *chuckles* Folks, I know you aren't used to hearing out voices in the daytime, but if you are in the area, you should really come on down. It's a hell of a party here. Fair type atmosphere, there's balloons for the kids, lots of heart stopped cholesterol laden treats. 

Ben: Plus! The official coronation starts in less than TEN. FRIGGIN'. MINUTES people and you don't wanna miss it. So put some stank on it, and high tail it downtown.

Sammy: (monotone) So... I know that I have to introduce the mayor.

Ben: (mimicking monotone) Can you please hide the excitement from your voice, Sammy? We don't wanna cause a panic.

Sammy:*chuckles* As I was saying, I know that's coming up in just a few minutes, but you do have a guest for us before -

Ben: YOU KNOW IT. This is really special. 

Pete: (in the distance) King Falls AM? I can't believe those two jokers are still on the air! I say, we boycott! Rally everyone! Storm the tower! *starts chanting* Take them down! Take them...everybody, everybody, come on now *still chanting alone* Take them down! Take them down!

Sammy: Who the - Pete Meyers?!

Pete:...no. No, uh, it's - oh hey guys I didn't see you broadcasting there. 

Ben: Whatever, Pete. Why don't you put your leash back on and go hang out with Howard Ford Beauregard. 

Pete: The third! I don't know why you don't acknowledge it. It's important, it's part of the name. And... I can do what I want.

Sammy: Let it go, buddy. Uh, you were saying about the guest...

Pete: Shows you! He ain't even here, anyway.

Ben: Oh,right. What was I thinking? Vampires hate the sun, right? Of course he wouldn't be here, my bad. 

Pete: Right! I mean...no- wha? No! Vampires? What?

Ben: Exactly! You heard it here folks! Another King Falls AM exclusive. Howard Beauregard's own gardener confirms -

Pete: Sensationalist liberal media! (voice fades as he walks away) I am never watching you broadcast in the park ...

Ben: GOOD! 

Sammy: Hey, Ben? 

Ben: Oh, uh, right right. Uh, you aren't gonna believe this, Sammy. Seriously, we are in for a real treat. Joining us right after this commercial break? I'm literally shaking look at this. 

Sammy: Alright, enough suspense Ben! Reel in this fish. Also, please say it's Merv the station owner.

Ben: Come on, Sammy, I can produce guests. I can't produce miracles. 

Sammy: Worth a shot. 

Ben: Good luck with that. But, uh, anyway, right after the break - King Falls very own *mimics drum rolls* RICH MCGUFF FROM RICH MCGUFF'S LEATHER BOUND BOOKS.

Sammy: ... you just used that much build up - 

Ben: Dude, you have no idea! Rich McGuff does not come out in public. He's like King Fall's own Howard Hughes. I can count on one hand how many times I've actually seen him in my life time. 

Sammy: And you got him?! That is pretty impressive, Ben.I guess.

Ben: They say he has the essence of a 1980's Tom Selleck. And the libido of well, uh... like uh, a young Tom Selleck.  

Sammy: So one could say he's the young Tom Selleck of leather bound books? 

Ben: Oh man he's gonna love that! Can I tell him, do you mind?

Sammy: But does he have the mustache?

Ben: Sammy... if you've ever seen a more elegant mustache than Rich's? Well, *scoffs* then, you're lying. Because it's magnificent. Spellbinding, even. 

Sammy: Right after the break?

Ben: After the break! 

Sammy: That was your cue to go to break, Ben.

Ben: Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about that glorious, sculpted facial hair. You know I couldn't grow a mustache like that in a million years...

(sounds of crowd cheering and clapping suddenly)

Sammy: We are on schedule, right? 

Announcer over loud speaker: King Falls Own... Dusty Reynolds!

Ben: We are - uh - you know what? Let's use the power of technology to jump over to the main stage where Dusty Reynolds is about to perform. He can sing us to break!

Sammy: Sounds like a plan.

Ben: King Falls, we'll be back live from the Best Small Town America celebration in Main Street park right after the smooth sounds of my personal friend, Dusty.

Dusty: *starts strumming guitar* *in country voice* ♪Javier the pool boy, you have ruined my life. You used to clean my filters now you're banging my wife. Oh, Javier, hey Javier... I hate you. Donald Trump said you should go back where you came from. And after seeing you with my girl I don't think he's so dumb. Hey Javier oh Javier... I hate you. Wish that you would just disappear! Oh man I wish you were dead. And when I think of you and Gloria I wanna put a gun to my head. Oh Javier, hey Javierrrrr. I (censored) hate you ♪ *crowd cheers*

Ben: Oh, uh- sorry about that. Here's a word from our sponsors.

 *Upbeat Piano music*

Hi. I'm Sammy Stevens from 660 on the radio dial. The kind folks at the Chamber of Commerce know that our elderly friends at the King Falls Geriatric Center can't make it down today. Especially after the handicap ramp closures... so please enjoy an afternoon with your favorite King Fall's ivory tickler, Ed Shambley. Ed is graciously taking the day off from Nolan's Drugstore to come play from his self released smash, "Peanuckle Shuffle". From what I've heard there's no better way to get ride of the colostomy bag blues. From "Uh-oh I Can't Get Pp" to " I Think My Grandson Stole My Savings Bond" Ed Shambley will keep the King Falls Geriatric Center rocking, rolling, and mall strolling to the hits. Happy 7th Best Town Small in America, ladies and gents. 

 Sammy: Welcome back to King Falls that's 660 on the AM dial. We've got a -

Emily: Hi, Ben! Hi, Sammy! 

Ben: Hi, Emily!

Sammy: Hi, Emily! Come on up here. The lovely Miss Emily Potter is making her way up to join us. *quietly* Hey Ben are you sure she's gonna be okay to be around Rich McGuff?

Ben: Oh, good point. I'll make this quick. 

Emily: Hi, guys! Are you live? 

Sammy: We are live. How are you doing today, Emily?

Emily: Oh, I'm just having a great time! These kind of things is exactly why I love King Falls so much. It really is the best small town in america.

Ben: See, Sammy?

Sammy: Well now I'm sold.

Emily: Well I just wanted to tell you two hi and good luck with your special daytime show today! I hope it goes swimmingly. 

Ben: *clearly flusted* Aw, thanks, Emily.It's really sweet of you..,.

Emily: Don't mention it. I'm just happy I don't have to stay up so late to talk to you.

Sammy: *softly* Ohhhhhhh.

Emily: Uh, I - I mean, the show. To listen to the show. I-I love you guys. I, well, I mean - I love, uh, the show. I love the show, and you guys. 

Ben: I'm happy to hear your voice too, Emily. 

Emily: Sooooo, after your broadcast, do you maybe wanna come to Frickards with me?

Ben: YES. Wait- what?

Emily: See, Greg Frickard came by the library booth earlier and asked if I'd like to have dinner after everything is wrapped up at the ceremony. Annnnnd I was hoping you'd come with me?

Ben: That son of a...Frickard. 

Emily: But, y-you don't have to. If you don't want to...

Ben: Oh! I mean, of course I do! It's just...a frog place? I don't really -

Sammy: It's not a conflict of interest, Ben. You know that Granny Frickard's Froggery is just one of our amazing SPONSORS here.

Ben: *dryly, very monotone* It's a delicious place to eat. Put's some pep in my step and... some hop in my heart. 

Emily: So... is that a yes? I...really can't tell. Are you alright?

Ben: I'd love to go with you. Anywhere. Even a - 

Sammy: Ahem.

Ben: ... the best froggery this side of saddle creek.

Emily: Great! So, it's a date! Just come find me after the show. Bye, Sammy. Bye, Ben!

Ben: Did she say date? She said date, right?

Sammy: It sounded like she invited you to a date. 

Ben:... Frickard. 

Sammy: Ben, I don't wanna alarm you, but there is a heavily mustachioed gentleman walking up behind you. 

Ben: Oooohohoho! Oh man, oh man. Okay, okay. King Falls I am so proud to introduce Mr - 

Ernie: *heavy typical New York mobster accent* Heyyyy ya Ben. Hows yous guys doin?

Ben: Ernie Salcedo? 

Ernie: From Ernie's mufflers! How ya doin, pally?

Ben: I...uh...

Sammy: Hi, Ernie! Uh, nice to meet ya, sir. 

Ernie: Nice to make your acquiescence or..what have yous, Sammy. 

Ben: I'm sorry, Ernie, we were just uh expecting - 

Ernie: Rich McGuff! Yeah, he couldn't make it down to the thing, eh, he had some little thing to do somewheres else. 

Ben: Uh, why are you here? 

Ernie: Ohhhh, Rich and I go way back to this one thing that we did for this one guy. Long time ago. 

Sammy: Uh-huh

Ernie: It's a long story you might say. I can't really get all into the encompassing details and what not. Long story short, Rich can't make it. He's, uh, a little tied up/

Ben: *nervously high voice* Like actually tied up? 

Ernie: You're a funny guy, Benny. 

Ben: *same high voice* Uh-huh

Ernie: It's a compliment. Some cultures, when a compliment is paid, the complimented might give some appreciation back...

Ben: I - uh- th-thank you so much Mr. Salcedo... do you want actual money? I-I don't have my wallet on me, but - 

Ernie: Haaaa, this guy. You gotta watch him! He's a regular Don Rickles.

Ben: Ha... is that a compliment?

Ernie: You're almost too funny, Benny...alomst. 

Ben: Uh, uh. Th - uh, thank you, Ernie. You - you are a very large...broad shouldered...intimidating man. 

Ernie: You're a sweet kid. 

Sammy: Well, thanks for letting us know, Ernie. Ernie from Ernie's Mufflers, ladies and gentlemen. For all your... muffler needs?

Ernie: No problem. I gotta go see a guy about a thing anyway. You stay funny. Benny. 

Ben: *whispering* Is he gone? Please tell me he's gone.

Sammy: Are you okay over there, Ben? 

Ben: He didn't leave a fish anywhere, did he?

Sammy: He's gone, Ben. I think your safe?

Ben: Jesus...

Sammy: So, no Rich McGuff? 

Ben: I forgot after running into the Godfather - uh, Godfather of muffler... things?

Sammy: I think the term your looking for is "whosies whatsies" 

Ben: I really wanted to talk to Rich McGuff too DAMMIT.

Sammy: Well, let's just hope that Rich is alright. Maybe you can snag him for the 8th annual next year, Ben.

Ben: Don't get cocky about it, man. There's no guarantees we'll get it again. 

Sammy: Something tells me that it's a lock...

Ben: Phew! Okay...I'm okay, folks! Uh, Sammy? Uh, you better go get ready to announce -

Sammy: *monotone* Mayor Grisham. 

Ben: Yeah, but try to have some excitement in your voice? That'd really sell it. Like you actually like the guy. 

Grisham: How ya doin fellas? This is a fine day. How's your mom, Ben?

Ben: Oh man! Such a great day to be part of King Falls, mayor! Thanks for inviting us to host the uh -

Grisham: Yeah...that wasn't my call. It was originally Storm Sanders, but since he's-

Sammy: Please say off the reservation -

Grisham: That's completely culturally insensitive, Sammy! Have some tact. Since Storm is....ummm, not available to us today...the Chamber of Commerce insisted we go with...you.

Sammy: Believe me, Mayor, we are just as thrilled about this as you are. 

Grisham: Right. I'll see you up on that stage, Sammy. Please make it short and sweet. I've got an announcement to make.

Sammy: Oh, so I should totally throw away the 8 pages of compliments I wrote for ya. Oh, all that hard work right down the drain.

Grisham: Yeah yeah yeah, good stuff, Stevens. 

Ben: Uh, Mayor, before you go, would you mind giving the listeners at home a sneak peak of your announcement? I mean, most of the town is here and they'll hear it live. Could be a cool little thing for the station. 

Grishman: You know what, Ben? I think that's a good idea. A great idea, even. You think this might help mend this mutually hurting bridge between King Falls AM and myself?

Sammy: Mayor? We'd love to get the scoop if you're willing to give it to us. 

Grishman: So, we're good? 

Ben: Water under the infrastructurally unsafe bridge. Sammy?

Sammy: Mayor, if you're happy, we're happy. 

Grisham: That's the spirit! 

Ben: So, Mayor Grisham, after the coronation in just a few short minutes, you're making an announcement? 

Grisham: Absolutely, Ben. After today's crowning achievement of King Falls being the best small town in america and for the 7th year in a row, I don't think there's a better time to let the citizens of this wonderful town know that I'll be running, once again, for mayor in 2016.

Ben: Oh, wow! This is big news! This is a real scoop! This is - 

Sammy: A load of horse (censored) !

Ben: WHAT?

Grisham: Excuse me?! Stevens?!

Ben: Uh *laughs nerviously* uh, what Sammy meant to say is that -

Sammy: *matterly of factly* Is that this is such a load of - 

Ben: Sammy!

Grisham: Jesus (censored) Christ, are you serious right now, Sammy? Are we on the air, Ben? Alright, you guys are "Punking" me, right?

Ben: Uh, w-w-we are... live.

Sammy: So, mayor Grisham, you're announcing your bid for the seat you already hold at the town wide celebration that, let's face it, is far from legit. 

Grisham: Are you- are you doing this right now? What happened to water under the bridge?

Sammy: That bridge literally collapsed under the load of manure you are planning on dumping on to it. Do you announce something special like this at every made up King Falls event, or is this just something special?

Grisham: How dare you! 

Ben: Mayor *laughs nervously* Sammy's been taking a lot of cold medicine. You know how the old 'tussin makes ya loopy! He doesn't even mean this...

Sammy: What did he announce last year at the sixth annual best small town in america celebration? 

Grisham: If you must know, smart ass, we announced the- the uhh -  

Ben:  *slowly like it's just starting to hit him* He announced the 2.5 million dollar add on to the already newly remolded city hall...

Grisham: I..I'd have to - I'd have to talk to Riley first and get the figures - 

Sammy: And what about the fifth annual fest - 

Grisham: You know what, we're done here - 

Ben: Mayor Grishman announced 20% raises for all the King Falls county government employees.

Grisham: Again - gentlemen, I...I need to speak to Riley - I need to figure out these figures. You- you know it may have happened -

Ben: *sadly and softly* This is a sham...

Grisham: Are you happy, Stevens? Is this what you want? To ruin this town for everyone? Bring your big city conspiracy and your trash talk radio to my town? Are you happy?

Sammy: I think anyone that has this much problem with checks and balances is probably shady and worth looking into. 

Grisham: You're a real piece of...work, Stevens! 

Sammy: Coming from you? That means absolutely nothing. 

Ben: Uhhh, whoa, uhh, I know this probably isn't the best time, but you two gentlemen are needed over at the main stage for the presentation and ribbing cutting.

Grisham: One word about this, Stevens. One utterance of your conspiracy fueled hog wash, and I will... AHEM. Ahem. 

Sammy: Oh, I'm sorry, please continue to threaten me live on the radio waves. What was that?

Grisham: Listen up. You listen good. You have you little slice on sensationalized lies with your 12 listeners on AM radio. You stick to the damn facts and go announce King Falls as the best small damn town to live in or, so help me, I will have Sheriff Gunderson drag your ass outta here for preemptively inciting a riot! These people deserve it!

Sammy: And you of course. 

Grisham: You're absolutely right. I love my city! Unlike yourself. Do your job for once and I'll do mine. You two disgust me. And don't think I won't write Merv a strongly worded letter after this! 

Sammy: Yeah, good luck finding him.

Announcer over loud speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a real treat for you - 

Ben: *sighs* Sammy, you should probably go do what ya gotta do...

Sammy: You know that I'm not doing this to - to paint the town in a negative light, right? 

Ben: I do! I really do, but... do you know how much this town needs this? 

Sammy: I do. And I love this town, I love these people. And maybe knowing the truth behind things is hard, but..I'd like to think it's better than living with the lie of it all. This isn't some BS proclamation by the Chamber of Commerce or a marginalized and power hungry schmuck that makes this town what it is... it's the people. It's the town. That's what makes King Falls great, and they deserve to know that.

Announcer over loud speaker: From King Falls AM, 660 on the radio dial, let's hear some applause out there! Mr. Sammy Stevens from the Sammy and Ben show!  (crowd cheering and clapping) Oh, uh, my apologizes, Mr. Mayor,... yes, of course... uh, sl-slight change of plans, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome back to the stage, Mr. Dusty Reynolds!

Ben: What the?!

Sammy: Oh, I'll be back. POST MY BAIL, BEN!

Ben: Wait, what? Sammy! Uh, oh- okay. That was Sammy leaving. He's heading over to the - yup! He's running up on the stage, there...

Grisham: You're done, Stevens! DONE! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR (CENSORED) HEAD OFF!!! 

(Crowd gasping dramatically ) 

Ben: Oh! Mayor Grisham just punched Sammy in the face! What the - (lots of censoring and fighting coming from the stage) Hey! Oh - oh - okay. Sammy just got- Sammy just- ohhhh. That's a suplex. Pretty sure that was a suplex. Sammy and Grisham are on the ground. This is literally like the end of Lethal Weapon. Except no rain... and neither of these men are proficient in mixed martial arts. (more screaming from crowd) HEY! DON'T! Oh, Mayor Grisham just went for a - a round house kick. And Sammy, nope - that - Sammy didn't even have to duck that was a terrible kick. No! Sammy! No, don't- don't- ooooo. How have they not broken this up? SOMEONE BREAK- SHOULD I BREAK THIS UP? (baby starts crying) Wh-where's Troy?! 

Grisham: Someone cut their feed! Cut it! Cut the feed now! 

Ben: I'm not even being biased, I think he's just angry Sammy had that headlock on him so long. La-ladies and gentlemen, I better - 

Announcer: *nervous laughter* There's just horse-playing, folks. Right? Right guys? (more screaming and commotion from crowd) *Sighs* Somebody get the hose. Dusty! Play your damn song already! Best small town in America, my ass...

Dusty: (singing over crying babies, screaming crowd) ♪ Came up to my trailor when I was out of town, lord he took my smile and turned it upside down. Cause I caught you having sex with a rodeo clown. from the size of his shoes, I just can't compete ♪

(Sirens from police cars pulling up - music fades) 

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Three: Catch And Release

View on Google Docs

Summary: June 1, 2015 - Sammy & Ben are live at Lake Hatchenhaw for the 55th Annual King Falls Bass Tournament with special guest Mayor Grisham.

[Podcast intro music]

[Banjo music]

Randy McMullet [heavy southern accent] Howdy y’all! It’s Randy McMullet from McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots and I’m here to tell you we got some slithery savings this weekend! So much savings you’ll have a hissy fit! We’re not holdin’ anything back ‘cause it’s that time of year again! It’s our annual Snake Skin Blowout! I’m talkin’ ‘bout rattlesnake, copperhead, viper, black mamba, and boa constrictor. We got big snake boots at baby snake prices! Ya better hurry though before our inventory is extinct! So come on down to McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots! We’ll be there from sun up to sun down this Saturday and Sunday at the corner of Route 72 and ol’ Bombin’ Range Road! McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots! Where we fill your boots, with savin’s!

[Banjo music fades out]

[KFAM rock intro music]

Sammy Good morning! You’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial. It’s twelve minutes to six and a beautiful 67 degrees out here at Lake Hatchenhaw.

Ben We are mere minutes away from the starter pistol going off signaling the beginning of the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tournament.

Sammy Ben! I couldn’t have said that better myself, you’re a natural!

Ben [“aw shucks”] Whatever, Sammy.

Sammy But you heard it, kids! The tournament’s about to get under way, but the festivities will be happening all day today. Be sure to swing on by the King Falls AM booth, pick up a bumper sticker, say hi to your favorite personalities, that sort of thing.

Ben And, of course, don’t forget to tweet us your pics today @KingFallsAM or Instagram us with the hashtag kingfalls, and we will repost those bad boys.

Sammy Absolutely, Ben. But just because this show is winding down, doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep on you! We’ve got a guest!

Ben We’re here with Ron Begley, of Begley’s Bait and Tackle. Sponsor of today’s outing.

[note: Ron’s voice can generally be described as “gruff”, any descriptors in transcription are more-so]

Ron [gruffly] Watch it, Ben. Outing is a big word. This is a gathering. 

Sammy Hey, nice to meet ya, Ron!

Ron [sweetly] Nice meetin’ you too, Sammy! And always good to see you, Ben.

Sammy Now, Ron. For all the listeners on the fence about making their way down to the Tourney today, what would you tell ‘em to change their minds?

Ron Ah hell, if they aren’t here now, they ain’t coming.

Ben Metaphorically though—

Ron [harshly] Don’t use ten dollar words when a five dollar word will suffice, Ben. If the lazy bastards aren’t up an’ at em and waiting on Mayor Grisham to fire that pistol, then there ain’t no convincing them otherwise.

Sammy Well, you know what- We’ve got quite the turn out here it seems, so uh, maybe everybody made it down?

Ron [aggressively] I’ll give you fifty damn bucks if you show me Shell Snyder’s fat ass at this lake right now!

Ben Uhhh, I’m sure-

Ron I saw that lazy son of a bitch at the town hidey-hole last night, and I know he hasn’t drug his carcass outta bed.

Sammy Hidey-hole?

Ben Don’t ask.

Ron You want something that’ll put some asses in the seats? I’ll give you somethin’ and this one’s for free. Today we got the fishing tournament, we got the bouncy house for the kiddies, we got that weird food truck that nobody ever eats at but it still shows up to all the King Falls events,

Ben Aaand?

Ron [teasing] And you know where I’m going, Ben. And just last week out by the sunken pontoon boats… We had a sighting!

Ben By the BOATS? That is so close.

Sammy Alright guys. You got me. What did we see?

Ben Sammy—

Ron Why, the Lake Hatchenhaw monster, Sammy!

Sammy Monster.

Ron Why the hell didn’t you Wikipedia-Google-book this town before you moved your sweet ass to it?! Everybody in creation knows about the Lake Hatchenhaw monster!

Sammy Alright, *chuckles* I’m sorry. Uhhh, I don’t mean to be rude, Ron, but you’re talking about your own version of the Loch—

Ron Don’t. Say it. Don’t even think it! That fake sh[bleep]show of a lake monster has nothin’ on Kingsie.

Ben You’ll have to pardon Sammy. He doesn’t believe in the extra-ordinary.

Ron [softly for Ron] What a sad life you must live, Samuel.

Ben So, Ron. This will be the fifth sighting this year, is that correct?

Ron [happy/proud] Fifth this year! She’s been a busy one. Since I took over this shop from my dad, I don’t know that we ever got Kingsie more than twice a year.

Sammy Well, ya heard it here ladies and gents. Uh, If tournament, the bouncy house, and the weird food truck don’t get you down— Kingsie will.

Ron That’s the spirit!

Sammy *chuckles* Okay, about the tournament, Ron. What exactly is on the line here? Wha-Whats the prize today?

Ron Same as every year, Sammy! Brand new bass boat with all the fixin’s and a 500 dollar check from the King Falls Chamber of Commerce.

Sammy That is a hell of a prize! I might just put the mic down and have a go myself, guys!

Ron More than welcome! [gruffly] But you better bring Ben along so you don’t end up as a “fictional lake monster”’s din-din.

Ben *sighs* I’d love to be out on that lake today! Nothing like it!

Sammy Ron Begley, everyone. Uh, Ron, thanks for dropping by and adding some color to the end of our broadcast today!

Ron [quiet and angry] Is that a gay joke, Sammy?

Sammy Uh, I-I’m sorry, what?

Ben Ron, not. At all.

Ron [threateningly] I’m not going to come on this show, and have you talkin’ trash. I’m the only soul brave enough in this town to own my identity and I’m not going to take any flack about it—

Sammy Ron. Ron. No harm was intended. I-I didn’t even know.

Ron [angry, almost shouting] Well now you do so watch your mouth! I like f[bleep]in’ and I like fightin’ and I’m completely sure you don’t want any part of either!

Sammy I-I Ron. *nervous laugh* I mean—

Ron [pleasantly] I’m just jerkin’ your chain, Sammy! Keep up the good work, guys!

Ben *Laughing loudly* Oh, you should see your face!

Sammy Thanks, Ben. Uh—

Some Guy *Slurred* Heyy Ben! What up duuude?

Ben Heyy, uh, Matt! Uhhh. We’re-we’re kinda live here, buddy.

Matt Riiight on! … maintain brah…

Ben Sorry.

Sammy Oh, no worries, bro.

Ben Uh, uh- alright folks! You’ll never believe who we’ve got heading this way! The man of the hour, the man with all the power… Mayor Grisham.

Sammy Mayor Grisham. Thanks so much for taking some time out to talk with us today!

Mayor Grisham Oh, I’ve been wanting to! Believe me. But you boys are on so darn early! I just can’t drag myself out of the bed.

Sammy Understandable.

Mayor Grisham However, my assistant, Riley, transcribes every show for me. Seems like you’re doing a great job. The both of you.

Ben Oh! Thanks so much, Mayor Grisham!

Mayor Grisham You got it, Ben! Hey, how’s your mom doing these days?

Ben Great! She’ll be thrilled that you mentioned her!

Mayor Grisham Least I can do.

Sammy Now, Mayor Grisham, you’re joining us today because in just a few short minutes we’re gonna be kicking off the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tournament—

Mayor Grisham Absolutely! It’s one of the perks of the job that makes it all worthwhile. I mean, who could turn down a beautiful morning on the lake, with all the people of King Falls?

Sammy So, do you ever partake in the tournament yourself?

Mayor Grisham *chuckles* I wouldn’t want to put the King Falls residents to shame! I’m quite an avid outdoorsman.

Sammy Well, it’s nice of you to give everybody a sporting chance.

Mayor Grisham Oh yeah.

Sammy Now, before we let you go- and believe me I hate to break down the mood —

Mayor Grisham Then don’t.

Sammy Oh, *chuckles nervously* well I-I was just gonna ask if you had heard any recent news regarding…

Mayor Grisham Sammy. Another time and another place.

Sammy Well, Mayor Grisham. [floundering] We here, we—

Mayor Grisham That’s all at this time. Thanks for having me. Have your people call Riley and we’ll schedule something soon, Sam.

Sammy [confused and irritated] Heh… Okaay?

Ben What is he- he- can’t- we’re supposed to be here for another three minutes, Sammy.

Sammy *unamused laugh* It’s fine, Ben, uh- it’s not your fault.

Ben Well, no. You ran him off, *scoffs* [growing frantic] buuut he was supposed to stay with us until we went live! with the opening ceremonies!

Sammy Hey, hey. It’s okay.

Ben [worked up] I’m going to fix this. Uh- I got it!

Sammy Ben-Be- Well. That was Ben just leaving in a full sprint, kids. Uh, seems it’s just you and me now, uh, and the mayor’s assistant, recording our every word.

Voice in distance Shotgun Sammy!

Sammy *groans* Okay, so we’re about four minutes away from the top of the hour, and the tournament getting started. Uh, we’d like to wish all the participants today the best of luck, break legs, uh, you know catch fish, wh-what have you. Uh, watch out for Kingsie, obviousl—

Ben I got it! I got it! I’m back!

Sammy Oh, Ben’s back ladies and gents! And he has a friend!

Ben Sammy, King Falls, this is Mr. Herschel Baumgartner. Winner of last year’s tournament! How you doing today, Mr. Baumgartner?

Herschel Good, Benny. Real good. Just ready to get my spot and giveitago this year. Uh, you know it’s about to start, right boys?

Sammy So, Herschel, you won the actual tournament last year, is that correct?

Herschel Oh, you bet I did! Won it back in ‘92, and ‘89 as well. But don’t go askin’ for tips now, son. Now if you excuse me—

Sammy Oh wow! So you are a three time winner of the King Falls Bass Tournament lookin’ for big number four this morning!

Herschel [sarcastic] Huh, Big City can count. We’re T-minus three minutes here, boys. If you don’t have anything pressing…

Ben Uh, for the listeners, Mr. Baumgartner, wha-what would you say is, is, is, the-the most important part—

Herschel [suspiciously] Who put you up to this? Was it Cecil? [grumbling] Amateur, usurpin’ so-and-so-

Ben No! We-we just needed to fill some time.*nervous laugh*

Herschel You’re going to pull me out of my boat to fill time? You are a DUMB son of a b[bleep]!

Sammy [warning] Hey now!

Herschel Don’t you dad-voice me, son. I’ll put a boot rrright up your ass, just like I did those Krauts[1] back in WWII! [said “dubya-dubya two”]

Sammy [harshly] You know what? Great talking to you Herschel.

Herschel [grumbling] New-fangled radio bums, looking for a hand-out. I ain’t givin’ ya no tips! No spots, no tricks o’ the trade! How I flick my wrist [fades out as he walks away]

[woman screams in bg]

Ben Was… that a scream?

Sammy [laughing dismissively] I’m sure it was just someone seeing Mr. Baumgartner’s lovely personality.

Ben I think something might be up, Sammy. Seriously.

Sammy Uh, ladies and gentlemen, as always, we thank you for tuning in with us here at King Falls AM. We’re about to go live with the opening ceremonies at the 55th annual-

[another, longer scream. Someone in the bg yells “There’s a body in the lake!” followed by sounds of an agitated crowd and a lot of people screaming]

Sammy Folks, stay with us! It seems that a body has just surfaced here at Lake Hatchenhaw! Come on, Ben!

Ben [incredulously] We’re going there?

Sammy Cronkite. Brokaw. Ben Arnold.

Ben *huffs* Right.

[Deputy Troy yells incomprehensibly through a megaphone.]

Ben-at-a-distance Tweet us!

[screaming continues]

Sammy Alright, we’re on the dock. [aside] if we could just push past— There’s the mayor! Right there!

Deputy Troy [through a megaphone] Everybody please stay calm!

Ben [quiet,worried] What if it’s Tim?

Sammy Mayor Grisham! Can you confirm that there is a body here—

Deputy Troy [still through the megaphone] Sorry boys. I don’t want to, but the Mayor’s going to cut—

[audio cuts to static]

[KFAM outtro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Kraut - a derogatory term for a German, especially a German soldier, during WWI and WWII

[kfam-quotes-and-sundries]

Sorry

Hey guys. Just wanted to say sorry for going MIA for so long, I've been distracted and experiencing some health issues. Honestly I haven't even been on tumblr that much, so I hope you forgive me if you have to wait for new material for a while. Hopefully I'll be able to start writing some new quotes soon, but for now go check out other KFAM stuff! There's the official KFAM blog, a blog with KFAM episode transcripts, and the podcast itself! (A good app to use is Podcast Addict btw)

[kingfallstranscripts-blog]

Episode 19: Beasts of Burden

Ben: Annnnd welcome back! You’re listening to King Falls AM. That’s 660 on the radio dial, and if you’re just tuning in I’m here with Mr. Chet Sebastian, host of Chet’s Jazz Corner. He’s filling in for Sammy during his “mandatory vacation” *laughs sarcastically* It’s been a great, slow, laid back…misogynistic couple weeks.

Chet:  More money for the PYT’s my man. What’s good, y’all? It’s 2am and you’re hangin and bangin with your pals Chet and Ben.

Ben: Uh, alright, Chet – let’s actually give the schedule a shot this time.

Chet: Sure thing, jitterbug. I’m just happy that after tonight I can go back to my regular prowl at the Red Rock Bar. I’m not covering for your buddy’s ass anymore. No more doubles for this cat. You owe me, Sammy. And you never wanna owe Ol’ Chet…

Ben: Soooo, about that schedule?

Chet: Ease up, Benny-Cat. Workin out of those laptops and notebooks, I’d say your mojo needs a Quaalude. And if you need the real thing I know Bill Cosby’s doctor –

Ben: Uh, MOVING FORWARD. *nervous chuckle* You’ve heard our story, King Falls, tell us yours! 424-279-3858.

Chet: Yeah, what’s on your mind this evening, King Falls? Ring up Chet and Ben and let’s have a little chat about whatever’s clever.

Ben: And we’ve got some takers! Lucky Line 1.

Chet: Hey there you sexy thang, whatcha got for Ol’ Chet tonight?

Male Caller: Hey, Chet. I’ve been listening to your show –

Chet: *hangs up call* Looks like we lost ya, brother. Give us a call back soon.

Ben: Uh…

Chet: Next caller.

Male Caller: Hey, when Miles Davis was –

Chet: HEY. *hangs up again*  This ain’t the mother (censored) Jazz Corner! We ain’t talkin no music now! *sighs* Where was your ass at 11:45 when we had to play back to back Brubeck cause nobody was ringing me up? Next caller!

Ben: Chet, remember *nervous laugh* when we talked about-

Chet: NEXT. CALLER.

Emily: Hi, Chet! It’s Emily.

Chet: Mmm, mmm-hmm. That fine ass vivacious librarian. How bout you come and turn a page with Ol’ Chet, little lady?

Emily: Oh, uh, Chet…I’m fine. Um, but you are old enough to be my grandpa. So, shame on you.

Chet: Haha, old enough to know better, but still too young to care. I don’t know what you see in Ben any damn way –

Emily: See in Ben? I mean, we’re just, um – we’re friends. Good friends! Well, erm, more than that –

Ben: Hi, Emily! Hey, uh, Chet? Maybe you go grab a coffee?

Chet: Don’t be embarrassed, Ben. Real men express their feelings. They don’t bottle them up.

Ben: I’m not bottling – ugh – can I just get a minute?

Chet: I’m gonna grab a smooth black coffee, but Emily Potter…if that boy don’t know a good thing when he sees it and you get tired of the run around, just let Chet know.

Emily: Uh-huh. You’ll be the first to know, Chet. Um… also! It’s nice to see the phone lines are working when a woman calls in.

Chet: Technical difficulties.

Emily: Yeah. You might wanna get that looked at.

Ben: BYE, CHET.

Emily: *laughs* Goodnight, Chet.

Chet: Stay sassy, you sexy thang. Be right back, nephew (sounds of Chet leaving studio)

Ben: *clears throat* Hey, uh, how’re you doing?

Emily: I’m doing well! I, um, I just wanted to call in and see if you didn’t mind talking about the library opening up the west wing? After, uh…

Ben: After John Wilkes Booth attempted a Ben Arnold assassination…

Emily: Well, that, um… and President Lincoln shooting up the joint.

Ben: I don’t know why I wouldn’t wanna talk about that. Good times. Fun times.

Emily: I get it. Um, w-we don’t have to talk about that. You know I love talking to you about anything. But – uh- but seriously, this Tuesday there’s a ribbon cutting ceremony for the re-opening of the west wing of the King Falls Public Library!

Ben: You’re learning to get your plugs in, I like it! Well, I will be there this Tuesday and I’m sure the listening public will be there too.

Emily: It’s really something! I don’t know how Mell’s Spackle Shack was able to cover over ghost bullet holes, but you’d never know anything happened.

Ben: That one was free, Mell! Next time, you’re paying for advertising.

Emily: *laughs*

Ben: *laughing with her* Look – uh- look, Emily. I am- I’m really glad you called in tonight. I-I’ve been –

Emily: Oh, really?!

Ben: Y-yeah! Of course! I’m always happy to hear from you. And, uh, like I said – since I have you… on the line. Well, I was- I was just gonna bring up – ahem, ahem – the um, The Annual King Falls Valentines Dance next week. It’s coming up, and, uh…

Emily: And…and what, Ben? …Ben?

Ben:…yeah?

Emily: Uh, were you asking me to the dance?

Ben: I- it- I… mmm – yes.

Emily: Well, I would love to go with you…

Ben: That sounds like a “but” is coming… Dear God please don’t let her say “but”

Emily: … but.

Ben: Yup, yeah, yup -  that’s it… I think this is the big one. Goodbye, cruel world.

Emily: Oh, I was already asked, Ben. Months ago.

Ben: Totally get it. It’s no worries. I didn’t really wanna – wait… did you say months ago?

Emily: I did. Back in November after…

Ben: Lincoln’s Revenge, you can just- you can say it.

Emily: Well, yes, after that. Greg Frickard was really concerned about my wellbeing and he –

Ben: I get it, seriously, no need to explain, Emily.

Emily: No! No, there is a need to explain! He asked me for a professional dinner meeting on February 10th at 7pm sharp. I couldn’t exactly say I was booked up four months in advance. Even though it was a bit peculiar.

Ben: As a journalist, I would say it’s creepy and strange as all hell, but please, continue.

Emily: Well, I kind of forgot about the whole thing all together until last week when I received a dozen roses with a save-the-date invite dated for the Valentines Dance.

Ben: Which happens to be on February 10th at 7pm sharp. SON – OF – A –

Emily: I would love to go with you, Ben.

Ben: You really would?

Emily: Of course, I would! I wouldn’t want to go with anyone else in the world…

Ben: You’re gonna say “but” again! Dammit! I can feel it.

Emily: But…

Ben: But it’s real this time. Last time was a fake “but” –

Emily: As a professional woman, I feel I have to keep my word. Ugh, just a little bit of research on my part and I could’ve seen right through this “business meeting” ... It’s- it’s really my fault.

Ben: No, nothing is ever your fault. That weasely son of a (censored). I’m gonna call him! He can reschedule! This is entrapment!

Emily: It’s okay, Ben! We’ll figure this out.

Ben: That’s true. Yes, yes we will. I’ll call you in a few, Emily.

Emily: I – I really don’t think –

Ben: *call disconnects* KING FALLS, you’ve heard MY story now let’s hear yours, GREG! 424-279-3858. Give me a call at the station, GREG!

(sound of someone arriving in the studio)  

Sammy: *away from mic* So, I was eavesdropping, and uh –

Ben: Not now, Chet- Sammy?! The hell are you doing here?!

(sounds of Sammy sitting down)

Sammy: Th-that’s not important right now. Hey-hey! Do not call Greg, Ben!

Ben: Oh, you bet your ass I’m calling him! Be a man, Greg! Answer the phone!

Sammy: *disconnects line* No.

Ben: You heard what he did!

Sammy: I did, and so did everybody else. I’m sure he’ll talk about this when he’s ready, Ben. I’m sure –

Ben: Lines are lit up! Shush your mouth hole, Sammy.

Sammy: Mouth hole??

Ben: This is King Falls AM, is this Greg you piece of –

Caller: *very creepy, deep, disguised voice* Huelloooo. Is this the radio station?

(Ominous music starts)

Sammy: Yes…uh, you’re live on King Falls AM.

Caller: Live… *heavy breathing* for now…

Ben: Uh… h-h-how can we help you, sir?

Caller: Uh, more like how can I help you two.

Sammy: Who are we speaking with this evening?

Caller: That shouldn’t concern you! I’m here in peace…

Ben: Can you hold just a moment, sir? *puts call on hold*

Ben & Sammy: I don’t like this.

Sammy: You don’t like this?! Then, it’s not just me.

Ben: No! I can’t place the voice, but I’ve heard it before. Let’s just… dump him and move on.

Sammy: *sighs* That’s not the right thing to do…

Ben: Oh. Right. Cool. Hope your sense of justice is strong enough to not miss the hours upon hours of sleep we’ll miss because of this creepy -   *puts call off hold*

Caller: *as if talking to someone else* I’m telling them! Please go away! PLEEEEASE!

Sammy: Um, uh, sir? Are you still with us?

Caller: I…I have a message for you. But they…they don’t want me to tell you.

Ben: Um… who is “they”?

Caller: They! The shadow people.

Sammy: The shadow people?

Caller: Don’t say that! Nooooo. Don’t say that… it’s bad enough… They’ll kill me.

Sammy: God.

Ben: What’s the message, sir?

Caller: Dark creatures…evil, vicious creatures…lurking just beyond the darkness. Eyes glowing, red – watching, waiting…

Ben: Well, I…I shouldn’t have asked that. I should not have asked that.

Sammy: Sir, what are…what are the glowing eyes waiting for?

Caller: They’re waiting…for little ones.

Ben: I don’t like this! If we could just MIB flashy thing forget this? I would.

Caller: Don’t joke! This is not a joke. They don’t like it when you joke…

Sammy: The glowing red eyes or…the shadows?

Caller: *getting more aggressive* Ah, they told me not to tell you! AND THEY WERE RIGHT. Next time, you may not be so lucky.

Sammy: Thank you for that extremely scary and vague warning, sir.

Caller: Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Make your fun…The hiker didn’t laugh...and neither will YOU! *hangs up*

Ben: Whoaaaa, let’s just, uh *laughs nervously* turn on some lights now, Sammy. Please.

Sammy: The HIKER! That’s where we’ve heard the voice! Perdition Wood!

Ben: I’ve literally blocked out whatever you’re talking about, Sammy. There’s some things even I don’t wanna think about.

Sammy: I shoulda just stayed out. *laughs unbelievably* One extra night. One extra night would not have hurt anybody.

Ben: Dude what are you doing back? You never answered my question. You still got one night left on your… “vacation”

Sammy: Technically, I don’t. Merv’s email stated I take a two week “vacation” and he sent that at 2:08am the night after the event. Hence, why I’m here at 2:08. Take that, Merv.

Ben: Glad to have you back, buddy! Even if you won’t let me call-out that low down, frog loving, ass -(censored)

(cuts to commercial)

Namaste, friend. My name is Billy Sherwood. I’m new in town and I just wanted to invite you to my first ever King Falls Naked Yoga Retreat. I’ve practiced the ancient are of Naked Yoga all across this big beautiful world for many, many years and there is nothing even comparable to how high your spirit will soar after an intense bout of yoga in your birthday suit! For those of you not in the know, Billy Sherwood’s Naked Yoga isn’t just about bending in the buff. It’s about meditation, breathing control, and mainly checking out a shiny hiney or two as well. I know what you’re thinking, “Is this gonna cost me an arm and a leg just to see air derrières doing downward dog?” Not tonight, my Bickram buddy! If you join within the next 30 minutes, your first day at Billy Sherwood’s Naked Yoga Retreat is free! Just send a full body nude picture to billysherwood@earthlink. –

(Welcome Back to 660 plays)

Ben: Dude?! Did you really just cut me off with a commercial?

Sammy: I absolutely did. You are teetering on the edge of out of control with this Emily situation!

Ben: I don’t know whether to be proud of you for learning my moves or angry.

Sammy: How bout weirded out. Billy Sherwoods Naked Yoga?!

Ben: Don’t make me think of that! From the sound of his voice I can just picture his swaying…ponytail.

Sammy: Penis.

Ben: Oh- okay, there it is. DAMMIT, Sammy!

Sammy: Can we move on please? Jesus. What’s on tab tonight, Ben?

Ben: Well, with Chet here I  haven’t really been on a schedule.

Sammy: You were ready to snap, weren’t you?

Ben: I literally go out and scream into the fuzzy pillows on Chet’s couch every commercial break.

Sammy: Oh my god! You put your face on those things?! What is wrong with you?!

Ben: NO!!!! I didn’t even think of – UGH- OH GOD. This is not a good night!

Sammy: It’ll get better…I’m sure of it. All the lines are lit up. You wanna grab a call?

Ben: *sighs* Sure thing. Uh, folks, please remember you can also contact us on twitter @KingFallsAM and @KingFallsSammy respectively, as well.

Sammy: Line 4, you’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Greg: *singing* Froggy went a courtin' and he did ride, uh-huh uh-huh. Froggy went a courtin' and he did ride, uh-huh –

Ben: Frickard!

Greg: Uh, oh…oh, hi, Ben. I’m sorry, I would’ve called earlier, but I was just doing a bit of tweezing. You know, for my big date.

Ben: CALL IT OFF, GREG.

Greg: The tweezing? Yeah, I wish I could! I left a gap like Madonna’s teeth!

Ben: Call off your “business meeting” with Emily!

Greg: Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I’m not gonna do that. Are you crazy?!

Sammy: Ben does kinda have the crazy eyes right now, Greg. I don’t think that you outta be poking this animal.

Greg: Oh, I’m not poking anything…yet.

Ben: *explodes* THAT’S IT!!! If you don’t call off this date, I’m gonna grab my coat -

Greg: *laughs* Uh-huh.

Ben: Grab my car keys –

Greg: Uh-huh. This is gettin good! You could do play-by-play sports, Ben!

Ben: And I’m gonna drive down this mountain and pull up in your driveway-

Greg: *feigning intense interest* Uh-huh, oh yeah? And then what?

Ben: I’m gonna kick your –

Sammy: GARDEN KNOMES

Ben & Greg: What?!

Sammy: You know… ev-everybody hates those little things…

Greg: Really?! I kinda like em…they’re quaint and cozy in Granny Frickard’s garden.

Ben: No! Your ass! I’m gonna kick your ass! Greg!

Greg: Now that, my friend, is uncalled for. What is it with you two and your public affairs these last few weeks? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you two gents were a bunch of hooligans.

Ben: You don’t know the half of it. Call of your date, Greg.

Greg: So that is what this is all about?! Is that correct, Ben?

Ben: Oh you damn well know it!

Greg: Well, I’d love to do that, but being a man of business and of my word, I couldn’t possibly leave Emily hanging. I’m afraid her heart is set on it.

Ben: You tricked her into this months ago!

Greg: Tricked is…such as…harsh word.

Sammy: Fellas? Perhaps we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot.

Greg: Let me ask you this: Does Merv approve of you guys threatening paid sponsors of the show?

Ben: I’m expecting a strongly worded e-mail and “vacation” I’m sure. CALL – IT – OFF.

Greg: Ben! I don’t understand why you’re so angry! On many occasions you’ve stated that your and Miss Potter were just friends! Is that correct?

Ben: *angrily* Uh-huh.

Greg: And being a man of gumption, and chivalry, I believe I even asked you, point blank, if you would mind me trying to go steady with the lovely book maiden.

Ben: Don’t be creepy!

Greg: Point taken…but you know I asked you!

Ben: And now I’m asking you to please drop your business meeting from the night of the Valentines Dance.

Greg: I’m a business man, Ben. Why would I give you what you obviously so desperately want…and for free? I realize you like Emily, Ben, but…I’m deeply in love with Emily Potter. I mean, I have a vision board. I’ve seen the future. We’re gonna get married, have a house, a white picket fence, a golden-doodle, 2.5 kids, and a plug in Prius!

Ben: I’m just gonna grab my coat and keys now –

Greg: Temper, temper, Ben! A man catches more beautiful librarians with honey than vinegar!

Ben: You tricked her into a date!

Greg: All’s fair in love and war, Ben. I really hope this doesn’t affect our friendship.

Ben: I just know they’re gonna play this at court hearing and what’s left of my sanity will laugh its way out of my brain.

Greg: Oh, come on now! The early frog gets the bookworm! Maybe if you’re lucky…you’ll get a wedding invite.

Sammy: Greg. Please don’t rile –

Greg: *laughs* Oh, I’m just joshin! Like Granny says, I am a complete gentleman. I won’t even post a tawdry status update. I don’t kiss and tell…

Ben: I got something you can kiss, Greg…

Greg: Enjoy the Valentine’s Day Dance, Ben…alone. Take it easy, Sammy. *hangs up*

Ben: tAkE iT eAsY… RIGHT OFF A CLIFF!

Sammy: Should you really be picking fights on air, Ben?

Ben: *incredulously* ARE YOU SERIOUS?! You had the worst boxing match of all time live on the air two weeks ago with a public official!

Sammy: It’s a “do as I say, not as I do” situation. Be a better man than me, Ben. For Emily’s sake.

Ben…Dammit. Can we just…take another caller so I can try to calm down?

Sammy: You don’t wanna go scream into one of Chet’s fuzzy pillows?

Ben: DEAR GOD PLEASE don’t ever bring that up again…wait, where the hell is Chet? He was just gonna get a coffee.

Sammy: I saw him leaving in his Cadi when I pulled up. I’m pretty sure by coffee he meant Hennessey with a side of lot lizard.

Ben: I don’t know what’s worse… the fuzzy pillows or the thought of that.

Sammy: *chuckles* Welcome to King Falls AM, you’re live.

(sounds of crickets chirping and dogs barking in the background)

Archie: AM I EVER…

Sammy: Is this…

Archie: Archie Simmons, fellas! You know the drill!

Sammy: Hey, Archie! Long time no talk! How’re you doin?!

Ben: How’s Princess Von Bark Tooth, Archie?

Archie: Wouldn’t ya know? This is exactly why I’m callin you this very instant! The Princess is in labor!

Ben: Right now?! On air?

Archie: You know we do things big at the Pomchie Palace. I wanted Princess Von Bark Tooth to be the first live on the air broadcast of Holy Puppies!

Sammy: I’m sorry, this really doesn’t sound like a good idea. It actually sounds like the exact opposite of a good idea, Archie.

Archie: Oh, don’t be a sassy Sally! It’s like a royal wedding or something! This will be a rating extravaganza for yall!

Ben: Hang on a second, are you still trying to say that Jack-in-the-Box Jesus is… you know-

Archie: The father of Princess Von Bark Tooth’s bundle of joy! You better believe it, Ben Arnold! I told ya I saw the J-Man just a humpin and pumpin –

Ben: Archie! Jeez- tonight is not the night…don’t push it!

Archie: Touchy… but you know I truly believe that the King of Kings is gonna be the Princess’ baby’s daddy!

Sammy: That was months ago! This was months ago, right? How long are dogs usually pregnant?

Archie: Thus further proof of my point, fellas! We usually have a bundle of bitches a few months after the doggy deed is done, but the Princess has been cookin these little buns in her oven for the longest damn time. This is special! This is a miracle! This is –

Ben: Bull (censored)

Archie: Ben Arnold! What has gotten into you?! Would you tell Mary and Joseph off right before little 7 pound Jesus came squishin out? I’m gonna be a daddy-in-law to the holiest puppy dogs in all the land!

Ben: Archie, you are off your rocker. This is crazy talk, even for you.

Sammy: This has been a crazy ass night. I…I kind of wish I’d stayed out the extra night.

Ben: Why and give that shiner the mayor gave you an extra 24 hours to disappear?

Sammy: Oh, please! You know he looked just as bad as I did.

Ben: You’re right… I’ve never seen two grown men rolling around and doing absolutely nothing to one another, as much as you guys.

Sammy: *softly* I’m not a fighter.

Archie: Can you two stop waxing poetic about your barbarian stand offs and pay attention? (sounds of dogs whining and crying increases) Oh my god! The Princess is about to pop!

Sammy: Oh right, back to this insanity.

Archie: It’s comin, fellas! I see a little gross body squishin out! (howling increases) Ewwww!

Sammy: Was there a blinding golden light accompanying it, Archie?

Archie: WISE ASS. Oh! The first little guy is movin! One bundle of joy and another comin out!

Ben: Will you be selling these little tykes, Archie?

Archie: Heavens no! I mean, maybe. For the right price…who’s to say how much a miracle mutt is worth! Number 2 is alive and well! Another one is, uh… (werewolf howling heard distinctly in distance)

Ben: Was that the Princess?

Archie: What the hell are you babbling about, Ben? I’m tryin to birth my winnin lotto tickets, here!

Ben: Thought I heard something…

Sammy: A howl, right?

Ben: Right!

Sammy: Say, um… ya know how tonight has been going?

Ben: Absolutely terrible in every way possible?

Sammy: Exactly.

Ben: Yes, I do.

Sammy: What do you think the odds are that it’s a full moon out?

Ben: Oh no…

Archie: Dammit, boys! Don’t make me hang up on you two Bumbling Bridge Betty’s… I wanted this on air and recording on my Go-Pros. Now hush!

Sammy: Is Princess Von Bark Tooth having the puppies inside your house, Archie?

Ben: Yeah like locked in your Florida Room?

Archie: Well you know I love Princes, but… you also know I love Italian Rugs even more, so I set up a nice little area outside.

Ben: Outside?!

Archie: Oh, be quiet! I think the last ones headin out! Oh, don’t look Roofus!

Ben: I don’t know what to tell him, Sammy.

Archie: Tell me nothin! Silence is (censored) golden, Ben! Heaven bestow this joy upon us in peace and quiet!

Sammy: “Glowing eyes…just beyond the shadows…watching, waiting”

Ben: Dammit, Archie! Go inside and lock the door!  

Sammy: Go inside, Archie!

Archie: And leave my Kardashian money just a-wiggling around in my backyard?! There ain’t no way in – (sounds of growling werewolves) WHAT THE HELL?!

Ben: RUN, ARCHIE!

Archie: AHHHHH! It’s the damn werewolves! Run Woofus!! I’m sorry Princess! OH MY GOD! *sounds of Archie running and panting and crying towards the house* Oh for (censored) sake! Oh my slipper! *slamming door*

Sammy: Archie! Are you okay?!

Archie: *gasping for breath* I’m locked up in my house! But Princess and the babies! Oh my lord!

Sammy: Stay on the line with us! We’ll call the sheriff’s department and get somebody out your way!

Archie: Okay! Thanks, fellas! Dear God, you handsome Anderson Cooper ass silver fox, please let your son’s doggy babies be safe for safety’s sake and not just for my monetary gains. And please let those horrible werewolves go into hell and DIE. And protect the Princess!

Sammy: Are you praying?!

Archie: And please let people with radio shows have enough sense not to bother a man in his deepest darkest hours of need. Oh, uh, amen and such.

Ben: Troy is heading out there now, Archie. Just stay safe and stay locked in the house! Don’t be a hero!

Archie: A hero?! I’m praying so a third of the holy trinity doesn’t start off by being a dead beat daddy! He should come out here now and just start a- smightin!

Ben: Um, it’s really quiet, Archie. Tell us what you see…

Archie: I’m lookin…oh my god. The wolves are just two-leg-standin over the Princess and the babies!

Sammy: Just stay safe, Archie. I’m sure they’ll leave the Princess alone.

Archie: And I’m sure fire and brimstone’s gonna light their furry asses up any damn minute.

Ben: I wouldn’t count on that, Archie. They’re there for a reason, I’m sure.

Archie: Yeah, these hillbillies wanna steal my little god-babies and cash in! I can’t stand for this! I should go-

Ben: DON’T GO OUT THERE!

Sammy: What are they doing now?

Archie: *sighs* I can’t see! The damn moon is so bright.. it’s comin out from behind the clouds…

Ben: What, what is it?!

Archie: Oh, hell no! (sounds of a baby crying)

Ben: What is that noise?

Archie: Hair on a monkey’s (censored)! My weekly horoscope is full of it!

Sammy: Are you okay? Is- is the Princess alright?

Archie: (baby continues crying) Oh, whatever! Who cares?!

Sammy: What? What’s going on?

Archie: Oh the last damn dog just turned into a baby is all!

Sammy: DO WHAT?!

Archie: Yup *sighs* (baby crying getting distant) They’re takin it away now. I guess it’s just you and me again, Roofus.

Ben: Who-what? What is happening?!

Archie: Oh, calm down! The stupid thievin werewolves are taking the human/puppy abomination. I just knew it was too good to be true.

Sammy: He said the puppy turned into a human, right?

Archie: *yelling at werewolf* Hey! Hey you! You put that down, you piece of (censored)!

Sammy: Yeah! Don’t let them take it! That’s a feat of science! It’s a werewolf baby!

Archie: Not the baby, you ass. Those (censored) hillbilly werewolves just took off with my Go-Pro and scampered off into the bushes! Son of a (censored)!

Ben: Literally…

Archie: Jack-in-the-Box Jesus, you can kiss my ass!

[kingfallstranscripts-blog]

Episode 17: Give Peas a Chance

Ben: I’m just saying, it’s a new year! Maybe we shouldn’t be talking about the same old subjects. Let’s take out a new lease on life…turn over a new leaf.

Doyle: And I’m just saying, Ben, that if there is a portal leading into my bathroom, and there is, then maybe more people should be aware, man.

Ben: I can’t…I can’t handle this. This is you, Sammy.

Ben: Not Ben! I mean, I am done! Nothing is happening in your house, Doyle!

Doyle: To be so open minded, you sure don’t want to expand your horizons and work with me here, Ben-Tin-Tin.

Ben: I usually only talk to people about real subjects, Doyle.

Doyle: Oh, it’s real. Real as can be. You’re just being a naysayer.

Ben: I’m not a naysayer.

Doyle: Oh-ho-ho, you’re naysaying for sure, bro.

Ben: I’m not a – Sammy, I can’t.

Sammy: Doyle, let’s get back to this portal or we’ll need to part ways for the evening.

Ben: Or forever.

Doyle: Alright, I feel you. So, I got this portal in my house, right. Craziest damn thing you ever saw.

Ben: And sometimes…late at night…

Doyle: You get it, boss man. So sometimes late at night, I wake up and gotta take a leaky-deaky, and it’s just sitting there in the bathroom door just a shimmerin and shiny. Looks like Willy Wonka just left a big fat golden ticket hangin in my door way.

Sammy: Uh-huh…

Doyle: Well. I only got one water closet, boys, and nature is a-callin. So, I pass through it and it’s all like SHHHEEERRROWOWOW –

Sammy: And *heavy sighs* Doyle, where does this portal transport you?

Doyle: That’s the thing… it takes me to my bathroom.

Ben: THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

Doyle: But it’s not my bathroom… it just looks like my bathroom.

Ben: Because IT’S YOUR BATHROOM.

Doyle: Na-hooo, things have changed, bros…

Sammy: What’s changed?

Ben: You mean, other than listeners changing the station, Sammy?

Doyle: I can feel your negativity, Ben, and it’s comin in way hot. Like a bagel-bite fresh out of hell’s toaster. You’re harshin me, Ben.

Sammy: What is different after stepping through, Doyle?

Doyle: It’s like I’m in an alternate universe, Shot-Gun. I do my biz and I go to wash my hands, right? And AHYAYAYAYEBAWB0W- HOT IS COLD, COLD IS HOT. It’s done freaky Friday switcharooed me.

Ben: Jesus… BYE, DOYLE.

Doyle: Everything is reversed until I step back through the portal, boys.

Sammy: Okay, you know, thanks for calling and sharing, but –

Doyle: Oh-ho-ho. You don’t believe me…

Ben: NO! I don’t believe you! I think you’re stoned and sleep walking.

Doyle: Yeah? And I think you’re naysaying. Ain’t ever gonna bag Emily Potter like that, bro.

Sammy: Have a nice night.

Doyle: Totes. *hangs up*

Ben: Bag Emily? *scoffs* What’s that even mean?

Sammy: Okay, moving forward…

Ben: Right! Moving forward! Uh, we got some good stuff coming at the 5 o’clock hour. Jeanie Sherman from the King Falls Doggy Daycare will be chiming in on how to get your pets out of their post-holiday funk.

Sammy: That’s a thing?

Ben: That is a thing… I guess.

Sammy: Alright. Depressed dogs at 5am! We’re with ya. What do we have on tab now?

Ben: Uh, well – I mean…I kind of scheduled us a free period. I wasn’t sure if we’d blow through the Christmas Break news and… we did.

Sammy: Well we can only talk about Ms. Baker failing to make the world’s largest ginger bread house so much…

Ben: I agree, but it’s not particularly her fault. Apparently, the Williams Boys went in and ate a lot of load baring beams, so it was bound to come down.

Sammy: *laughs* Okay, give us a call, Kings Falls. Tell us how your holiday went and how you’re gonna kick ass on that New Year’s resolution.

Ben: We’re open to just about anything, folks! 424-279-3858 or give a tweet on the ol’ twitter machine.

Sammy: Looks like we got a taker already. Line 7, welcome to Kings Falls AM with Sammy and Ben.

Troy: Hey, fellas.

Ben: WE’RE BUSY, Troy.

Troy: You know dang well I’m listening right now and you two are just dilly-dallying until Ms. Sherman.

Sammy: How’re doing this evening, Troy? Keeping the mean streets of King Falls safe this evening?

Troy: Actually, it’s an off night. I was hoping I could come swing by the station and give Ben a little somthin…

Ben: Still this? Just leave it at the door and go!

Sammy: Ben!

Ben: Sorry, say hi to Sammy…and leave it at the door and go.

Sammy: Troy, we would love to have you in the studio to hang out. How far out are you?

Troy: Couple minutes away, Sammy!

Ben: You were already driving up here?

Troy: Well, yeah…just in case. *weird squeaking animal noise in the background*

Ben: What’s that noise?

Troy: I don’t hear nary a thing, Ben. See ya soon, buddy. *hangs up*

Ben: In studio, Sammy?

Sammy: He’s bring you a present.

Ben: Like the present Storm tried to bring us?

Sammy: Let’s hope not…

Ben: Let’s just… go back to the phones before he gets here.

Sammy: Power through, buddy. Line 7 again, you are live in King Falls AM.

*knocking on door*

Ben: Jesus! Already?!

Sammy: I’m gonna grab the door, you grab the call.

Ben: I’m gonna make an executive decision and just move the break to here. Be back in a minute!

(Commercial starts with political-type music)

Narrator: In two weeks come join King Falls AM at the Main Street Park for a special presentation.

Grisham: Hi, I’m Mayor Steven Grisham, and it’s that joyous time once again, folks. Come join myself, the King Falls Chamber of Commerce, and all our wonderful residents in commemorating a very special day in King Falls history.

Narrator: You are cordially invited to join us in celebrating our wonderful town being voted The Best Small Town in America by the King Falls Chamber of Commerce for the 7th straight year.

Grisham: Come on down Friday, January 15 and help us kick off another amazing year in our lovely town. There will be live music, fun and games for the kids, that weird food truck, and a special announcement by yours truly.

Narrator: The festivities begin at noon with a special ribbon cutting ceremony hosted by Mayor Grisham and King Falls AM’s own Sammy Stevens and Ben Arnold.

Grisham: So, come join the biggest party of the year! And let us all hope big number 7 is our lucky number:

(Welcome Back to 660 theme plays)

Ben: I’m not opening it! I-I don’t care!

Sammy: Can you guys please adult a little better?

Troy: 10-4, Sammy.

Sammy: Did you hear that ad, Ben?

Ben: Hear it? I had to help edit it.

Sammy: How do we get roped into hosting that rigged get together with Mayor Grisham?!

Ben: I told you about that…

Sammy: You most defiantly did not tell me about that.

Ben: Oh, I absolutely did! Because I didn’t know how you were gonna feel about being on stage with the Mayor… and Merv emailed and said we had to? So I was worried about the wording and – DAMMIT. I didn’t send it…

Sammy: I don’t wanna do this. You know how I feel about the Mayor and that ridiculous voting –

Ben: Sammy! Can you please adult a little better?

Sammy: *under his breath* Dammit.

Troy: Oh, you’ll have a grand old time, Sammy! All the residents come out block party style. There’s some damn good food and some damn good fun.

Ben: Yeah, Sammy. Plus, if you hang out a bit Chet usually gets plastered and starts playing saxophone and hitting on the soccer moms.

Sammy: Oh, so it’s just regular Chet.

Ben: Yeah, but in a public setting.

Sammy: It sounds like the best fake party a town could throw -

(Lots of static and cutting out – picking up on another transmission)

Ben: *between static barely audible* Don’t be like that, Sammy.

Beauregard’s Worker: *on another signal cutting in through the static* Yeah, it’s almost ready.

Beauregard: *through static* I don’t care how hard it is! Just make it work!

Worker: I’m on it sir, but, uh, last time we pushed it to the limit, i-it knocked the whole town off the grid for weeks!

Beauregard: Don’t tell me what it did. Show me what it can do. Do you need help moving that? Celestia! Wake the yard boy and have him help Thompson and this gadget.

Thompson: It’s okay, we don’t wanna move it until it’s ready –

Beauregard: I will not have this eyesore in my east wing for another night! Either it’s ready or it’s moving.

Thompson: I – uh, I’m sorry! It’s j-just not ready. Between this and school starting back up, I’m doing all I can!

Beauregard: Do more! You’re amassing a small fortune and my patience is growing thin…

Pete: Hey, Mr. B…  *yawns* What can I do ya for?

Beauregard: Don’t just stand there! You simpleton! Help Thompson move the signal transmogrifier into the –

Pete: Ohhhhh! Is that the thing that caused the Electrolocaust?

Ben: *cutting back into transmission* Okay just because he can sit in on us doesn’t mean I have to open his late Christmas present.

Sammy: Guys, please! Take a couple calls and maybe you’ll change your mind.

Ben: What is this stupid thing anyway? This is a ploy!

Troy: I left it in the car, Ben. I don’t think you should be opening it live on the air, anyway.

Ben: Oh, I don’t think I should open it up at all. But let me tell you, if I’m opening your dumb gift, it’s gonna be live!

Sammy: GUYS! More phone calls, less arguing.

Ben & Troy: Sorry.

Sammy: Line 11 welcome to King Falls AM with Sammy, Ben, and special guest… Deputy Troy.

Troy: That’s off duty Deputy Troy tonight.

Caller: Hey,Shot-Gun!

Sammy: Hey…you…

Caller: Don’t wanna take up a slew of your time, Shot-Gun, but I think you guys just had your frequency hijacked or something.

Ben: What do you mean, sir?

Caller: Pirates! I was listening and then it just cut into something else!

Sammy: The commercial, you mean?

Caller: Don’t be silly! I know a paid advertisement when I hear one, Shot-Gun!

Ben: What was it? Music? What’d it sound like?

Sammy: Are you sure you’re tuned in properly?

Caller: Ha! And yes! It was just science-y sounds... just trying to do a service to my favorite AM station in the whole wide world! Haha! And I did!

Sammy: Uh-huh…okay, buddy, well thanks for letting us know.

Caller: Anything for the show, Shot-Gun!

Ben: Dude are you still –

Caller: Shot-Guuuuuuuuuun (makes noise like a car engine) Shammy! *hangs up*

Troy: I like that guy.

Ben: You would…

Sammy: Lucky Line number 1.

Ben: You’re live on King Falls AM with Sammy and Ben. Nobody else.

Caller: Boys I’m lost as can be. Like a grown man at a Miley Cyrus concert. Lost, I tell ya.

Ben: I guess we can try to help. Where you at?

Sammy: It’s Sweetser Forrest, I just know it!

Caller: I was headin up to my mama’s old place. I used to live up here in King Falls, but I’ll be damned if Abaline didn’t get me.

Ben: Hey! Good job, Sammy!

Troy: Who’s this we’re speakin to? You sound awfully familiar, friend.

Caller: Well hell yeah I sound familiar, Troy! You might know me back from my number 1 smash hit in 2003 “She Ain’t Worth the Car She Drove Away In”

Ben: NO WAY!!!!!

Troy: I am not believing this.

Ben: Dusty Reynolds?!

Dusty: As the census says, the one and only! How you fellas, doin?

Ben: Better now, man!

Sammy: I’m sorry. Who’s this we’re excited about?

Ben: This guy is a bonafide King Falls LEGEND.

Dusty: Legend might be a little high, heh, but I’ll take it.

Troy: Ol’ Dusty here left King Falls right after graduation and went off and became a big star.

Sammy: A big star?

Dusty: Now, now… I wouldn’t go that far, but you two go right ahead…

Ben: He was number 1 on the music charts, Sammy! AND he’s a hometown boy!

Sammy: Well that’s something! What kind of song was it? Where did it chart?

Dusty: The only two that do count: country and western.

Sammy: Oh! Okay…

Ben: Sing us a lil somethin’ Dusty!

Dusty: Well, I don’t think I should, but… ahem. ♪Well I know you loved him, back when he was a girl ♪

Troy: Oh, damn, he’s still got it!

Sammy: *softly* Is… is this real life? Are-are you guys messing with me?

Ben: What’re you doing driving back to The Falls is the middle of the damn night, man?

Dusty: I gave up the biz, Ben. Just cold turkey.

Troy: Shucks…

Dusty: I just lost sight of what made it special. Figured I’d come back home and try to find that spark again. Plus, Mayor Grisham hired me to sing a song at this thing in a couple weeks. No better time to start over than now.

Ben: You’ll be right back at the top in now time, buddy!

Dusty: You better believe it! I was just too happy… good kids, great house, wife as hot as road tar! I guess I needed to lose it all just so I could find my roots.

Troy: You sayin you and Gloria broke up? I ain’t seen a relationship change or status update or nothin.

Dusty: Oh, it’s all over the TMZ. I was out doing the country fair circuit and she was havin Javier our pool boy scrub way more than the jacuzzi… She took it all. My heart, my soul, even my dignity. Whitney Houston don’t know (censored)!

Ben: S-sorry to hear that…

Dusty: Well, you win some, you lose some. Dammit, that’s what I’m talking about! I need the sadness, hombre. I gotta get the blues back to go with my god-given rhythm.

Sammy: Well, welcome back home, sir. Wish it were under better circumstances.

Dusty: Thanks a lot, Dimond Dave.

Sammy: Actually, this is Sammy Stevens…

Troy: Give us a little encore before you go, Dusty.

Dusty: Come on, Troy! You know I shouldn’t! Ahem… ♪Hey there, spooky ghost, you better let me go! Hey there, spooky ghost, you’re see through ass is too slow! ♪

Ben: Never gets old! Talk to ya later, Dusty.

Troy: Later, buddy! We’ll hook it up once you get back and get settled.

Dusty: But- I really did need some help! *call disconnects*

Ben: Wow! Can’t believe that S-O-B is coming back home!

Sammy: *dryly* He sounds like a laugh a minute.

Troy: We had some good times back in the day… didn’t we, Ben?

Ben: Don’t use Dusty’s goodwill to wedge back into my life, Troy.

Troy: You know what, I’m real tired of goin round and round with you. Here’s the thick and thin of it: Imma give that present and if you don’t like it we don’t ever have to speak again.

Ben: You promise?!

Sammy: Guys… that’s an awful big promise to keep. Let’s all just calm down…

Troy: I mean it! Forrealsies! If you hate this thing, which I got outta the kindness of my heart, then we couldn’t stand to be pals anyway.

Ben: You just signed a check that you aren’t prepared to cash, Troy.

Troy: You just signed a check…well… I ain’t just gonna copy you, but… you messed up, future bud. BRB

(Sounds of Troy getting up and leaving)

Ben: Even if I love this thing I’m gonna –

Sammy: While I don’t agree you two should be putting your entire future on the line based on a belated Christmas gift… you should at least play fair.

Ben: Oh, I will. I’m just sayin… even if it’s good…

(Sounds of Troy coming back. Weird animal noises start up again)

Troy: Now, look, I got the box. But…I just don’t think you should do this live on the air.

Ben: Oh, it’s happening live! I want the entire town to hear the disappointment.

(animal noises getting louder)

Sammy: Is that thing supposed to be making that racket?

Troy: Google says it does. (animal continues) Here it is, Ben.

Ben: You serious? You’re not even gonna say “Merry Christmas”?

Troy: I ain’t squeezing out another syllable until you open that box.

Ben: It’s shaking, man. It’s shaking and making noises. I’m a little worried.

Sammy: Ladies and gentlemen, Ben has stepped away from his mic and is laying the box on the table.

Troy: Oh, I gotta get a picture of this!

Sammy: And now Troy is leaving his microphone and going around to Ben. Hey! Hey, don’t push him, Ben! Sorry. Ben’s opening the box now. If this was morning radio I’d hit the Brad Pitt “WHAT’S IN THE BOX?” button right now…

(animal noise stops)

Ben: NO (censored) WAY! (animal yips happily)

Troy: I told you! Didn’t I tell ya? Didn’t I tell him, Sammy?!

Sammy: Okay, for real, what’s in the box?

Ben: Troy… I…can’t believe it.

Troy: You folks listening at home can’t see, but I’m doing my best buddy two-step.

Sammy: Come on! What is it?!

Ben: I’m just…in shock.

Troy: Are we buddies?

Sammy: This is worse than the briefcase in Pulp Fiction…WHAT’S IN THE DAMN BOX?!

Ben: Troy… we are friends. Dude, I can’t believe it!

Troy: How bout a hug for old times’ sake?

Sammy: Don’t push it, Troy…

Ben: Bring it in, big guy!

Sammy: Alright, dammit! I’m gonna go look in the box, excuse me, folks.

Ben: This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone has ever given me. I’m…so sorry I gave you all this grief.

Troy: It’s alright. Hatchet buried, little buddy.

Sammy: What the HELL is that thing?!

Ben: Sammy, you remember Serendipity, right? That’s what this is! Troy got me a sugar glid-

Troy: AHEM! Cat!

Ben: What?

Troy: Well, I got you a new cat. I could never replace ol’ Serendipity the sugar glider no matter how much I wanted because as we all know, sugar gliders aren’t allowed to be brought into the state as a domestic pet.

Sammy: That is the weirdest cat that I’ve ever seen.

Ben: Right! A cat! The best friggin’ cat ever! Does he have a name?

Troy: You’re gonna love it: Peas! Peas the sugar gl-

Ben: CAT. Peas the cat…

Troy: Yup, Peas the cat. Partly cause he loves to eat peas, and…partly cause I was hoping you’d give peas a chance.

Ben: I need another hug, Troy! GET OVER HERE!

Sammy: *laughs* Okay, I think we’re gonna take a quick break and get this…cat out of the studio. Maybe if I can pry apart this bro hug I’ll tell Troy it’s actually “give peace a chance”… Maybe not. We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors, folks.

[kingfallstranscripts-blog]

Episode 15: Stormy Weather, More at Eleven

(King Falls AM Theme plays)

Ben: Can we please play it again, Sammy?

Sammy: Oh, will you stop it?

Ben: Think of it as my early Christmas present! Just one more time!

Sammy: You are way too happy about this, Ben.

Ben: It’s like watching Van Gogh paint Starry Night, Sammy. But backwards and then exploding like fireworks right before our very eyes.

Sammy: Or ears, in this case.

Ben: Well, yeah, of course ears. You get it, people.

Sammy: So, is this on your schedule, Ben?

Ben: You know that it isn’t. Just give me that one tiny sliver of happiness. I need this! It completes me.

Sammy: You are evil. And that is why we get along so well.

Ben: *laughs*

Sammy: Roll the damn tape!

Ben: Yes!

(Channel 13 Tape Starts)

Storm Sanders: Are we f**kin live, yall? I got sh*t to – (in professional voice) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is your friendly neighborhood weatherman, Storm Sanders. And boy do we have some interesting weather here in the next *hiccups* few days.

Maggie: Storm are you feeling alright?

Storm: Maggie, you bet your motha (censored) ass I’m alright. Let’s just get to the forecast on yours truly today. Storms feelin’… partly cloudy with 100% chance of makin it rain down at the Red Rock bar. Holla at cha *hiccup* boy, Chet! Stacks on deck.

Maggie: Umm, we’re live Storm. If you could just get to the actual weather report –

Storm: F**k yo weather. You got a brain. Open the window and see if it’s hot. If it’s hot? I can’t change that s**t! If it’s cold? Put some more clothes on! If Steve will let you cover up those big ol’ t**ties!

Maggie: Storm!

Storm: Maaaaan, f**k it. Who the f**k even needs a weather report these days? It’s on ya phone! It’s on ya twitter! If I say it’s gonna rain it ain’t gonna change a f**kin thing! Mannnn, my skin feels weird.

(Tape cuts out)

Ben: *laughing hysterically*

Sammy: You are taking way too much pleasure in this.

Ben: Channel 13! Giving you all the news and weather you can handle.

Sammy: He isn’t wrong.

Ben: Ladies and gentlemen, if you missed that on your local news this evening, his words were only bleeped on King Falls AM. I’m sure if you YouTube it… *laughs* oh man. How long before somebody auto-tunes that?

Sammy: Moving forward, what’ve we got in store this evening?

Ben: If you or somebody you know knows how to do those talking music things, give us a call or tweet us @KingFallsAM.

Sammy: Ben…

Ben: I’m sorry. It’s just that we don’t get to win much around here, Sammy. We should enjoy these moments.

Sammy: If this were any other news station would you be this happy?

Ben: No, but Channel 13 is the hub of all evil. If you told me -  

Sammy: AGAIN, moving forward… what do we have on tab for the rest of the evening?

Ben: Ahem… can we do a weather report?

Sammy: You’re a child!

Ben: *laughing* Okay, folks, we’ve actually got some good stuff coming up in the next hour. Mr. Ron Begley from Begley’s Bait & Tackle will be visiting the show and talking to us about the 5th annual Bare Back Bear Festival.

Sammy: *laughs incredulously* Wow, uh, ya know, I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised.

Ben: I don’t get it. W-why are you laughing? You think riding a bear without a saddle is easy?

Sammy: Ben…your naivety brightens my day.

Ben: Whatever…Sammy. Anyway, coming up at the 5 o’clock hour, we’ve got Linda Miles over at King Falls Gazette calling in to give us the weekly Tim Jenson update.

Sammy: And hopefully filling us in with some good news. It sounds like we have a hell of a show happening, so stay tuned kids. We’re gonna pay some bills and hear a few words from our sponsors. We’ll be right back, King Falls.

(Jazz Music Plays)

“Ah, yeah. You’ve got the one and only Chet Sebastian here wishing all y’all out there the happiest of holiday seasons. This time of year you’re always on the lookout for a gift that’s gonna get ya a little something extra, and old Chet is here to deliver “Chet Sebastian’s Honey Pot of Horns”. A classy lady can’t so no to a man that knows his smooth jazz. With my newest album “Chest Sebastian’s Honey Pot of Horns”, you’ll look like the damn Albert Einstein of the brass section. Whether you’re a-givin or receivin. “Honey Pot of Horns” is a surefire way for a happier Hanukkah, a crazier Kwanza, a kinkier Christmas. No downloads here, cause a real man only spins vinyl for his lucky lady. Be Merry, you sexy thangs”

(Welcome to 660 theme plays)

Sammy: So, have you picked up Chet’s new album for that someone special in your life, Ben?

Ben: *chuckles* Dude, no. I love Chet, like you love a creepy masochistic uncle, but I can’t give that record to Emily.

Sammy: I hear classy ladies -

Ben: Don’t

Sammy: *laughs* Alright, folks. We’re gonna take some calls here while we wait on Ron to make his way into the studio. Give us a call 424-279-3858.

Ben: Or tweet us over at twitter @KingFallsAM. We gonna go with any particular topic or –

Sammy: We aren’t talking about Storm if that’s what you’re getting at.

Ben: Dammittttt. Line 5! You’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia: Ben Arnold! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Making fun of poor Storm Sanders tonight.

Ben: Oh, come on! Channel 13 would jump at the chance to destroy us. One of their stupid “For the King Falls Community” investigations. Serves them right!

Cynthia: You’re just so much better than all of us, aren’t you, Ben? Why don’t you just move out of King Falls and go do your radio show in some metropolis or something!

Sammy: Cynthia, while I understand your frustration with Ben’s…giddiness, I –

Cynthia: Don’t give me any of your mumbo jumbo, Sammy. You’re high salutin, too! You’re probably doing this for “Make a Wish” kids or some sort of tax evasion scheme.

Sammy: What?!

Ben: Cynthia, I don’t understand this anger, even from you, tonight.

Cynthia: I just think you need to think before you poke fun. You of all people should know this isn’t as cut and dry as it looks.

Sammy: What are you getting at Cynthia?

Ben: *from the side of his mouth* She’s probably on the sauce that Storm is on…

Cynthia: He said his skin felt weird, idiots! Or did you miss that with all your jackass laughing, Ben?

Ben: Wait, are you sure about that?

Cynthia: 100%, because I wasn’t acting a fool when a man was having a crisis live on the television!

Ben: This isn’t good…

Sammy: What am I missing here?

Cynthia: Guess they don’t teach that kind of stuff at the Connecticut School of Broadcasting, do they, Sammy?

Sammy: Okay, first off, Cynthia, I did not go to that school. Second off –

Ben: His skin felt weird, Sammy.

Cynthia: Maybe if you paid attention in Simple Possessions and Hauntings 101 –

Ben: I’ll take it from here. Cynthia, have a great night.

Cynthia: Oh, of course you’re hanging up on me! High and mighty King Falls AM. You’ll see…

Ben: I didn’t hang up, Cynthia. But we gotta put the wheels in motion here.

Cynthia: Oh, please. You don’t have to sweet talk me. *hangs up*

Sammy: What’s the deal, Ben?

Ben: I should’ve seen this before. DAMMIT. I let my hatred from that terrible excuse for a news organization cloud my judgement.

Sammy: Are you gonna tell me what’s going on, or should I just make up my own thing here?

Ben: Sorry, Sammy. Legend has it, when certain types of spirits take a hold of a person…

Sammy: Uh-huh… “legend has it”…I see.

Ben: Don’t look at me like – forget it! It’s like a possession.

Sammy: Oh, like The Exorcist.

Ben: Kinda like it, but actually scary.

Sammy: Have you seen The Exorcist?!

Ben: I’m being serious! We need to get ahold of Storm. Folks, if you know Storm Sanders personally or can get us in touch with him, please dial in to the show- 424-279-3858.

Sammy: This is for real?

Ben: I’m a little worried. Cynthia, if you haven’t turned off the show in a blind rage, THANK YOU. Thank you for point this out to us.

Sammy: Okay, we’ve got some phone action. Line 12 you’re on King Falls AM.

Troy: Hey, Sammy. Ben.

Ben: We can’t do this right now, Troy.

Troy: I’m callin’ to make peace, Ben. The SS Friendship is ready to dock. All aboard.

Ben: *disconnects call* Not now, Troy! We’ve got a situation!

Sammy: Did you just hang up on Troy?!

Ben: Sammy, this is life or death! Line 5, this is Sammy and Ben.

Herschel: Alright listen you two dumbasses. This Storm fella looks like he’s about a medium build, maybe a buck 180. You get yourselves a gunny sack, some come-along straps, and a roll of duct tape. You meet me 19 clicks from Old Rose’s café at 0400 hours-

Ben: *disconnects call* Sorry, Herschel. You can cuss extra at us later.

Sammy: Oh, he’s gonna.

Ben: Line 10, hello?

Caller: *Native American inflection* Ben is right to be worried.

Sammy: And who are we speaking with?

Ben: Have you seen him tonight, sir?

Caller: I watched his outburst on the television.  I have been driving around downtown and around the station for the last few hours. No luck.

Ben: So, you’re out actively looking for him?

Sammy: Have you tried the Red Rock bar, perhaps?

Ben: Not now, Sammy. I’m sorry – who is this?

Caller: This is Walt. That is all you will get.

Ben: Fair enough. So you know the legend?

Walt: I know the truth. Saying “legend” makes it seem like people haven’t seen it with their own eyes. Or lived it. I have done both.

Sammy: Can one of you two please explain what we are so worried for myself and for the listeners?

Ben: Legend has it – ah sorry- uh, the story goes that…well, I said it was like possession, but really, it’s like a hostile takeover of your mind, body, and soul. Is that right, Walt?

Walt: My people tell stories of men with evil hearts living outside Hatchineha lands. Their only purpose on this earth is to claim others as they once were claimed.

Ben: They call them skinwalkers, Sammy.

Sammy: Not…the best sounding thing to hear on a late night, but… please continue, Walt.

Walt: These men, if you can call them that, tampered with things they should not have tampered with. They became things one should not be. They have the ability to go in one form and out to another as they please. All while searching to make more of their kind.  

Sammy: Okay, well as much as I don’t like this or hardly believe it, what does this have to do with Storm Sanders?

Ben: That’s the interesting part, Sammy. When confronted and converted, I guess you could say, victims start to act in certain ways.

Sammy: Certain, drunken way. If every guy I’ve seen hammered in a bar who sing-cries his way through an 80’s love ballad is a skinwalker, then we are all in deep trouble.

Ben: Not the drunken thing. An uneasiness in one’s body.

Walt: They begin to exhibit signs of outer sickness: fever, sweats, an itching.

Ben: An itching so bad that…they try to peel their skin off.

Sammy: So they’re the werewolves from Route 72?

Walt: No!

Ben: No way!

Sammy: Guys! I’m just trying to grasp this. I’m a pretty piss poor cryptozoologist and let’s be honest, skinwalker sound like it’d be a term for a naked zombie.

Ben: Whatever, Sammy. Keep cracking jokes.

Walt: I need to pay better attention to my tracking, gentlemen. I’m going to let you go. Be well, be safe.

Ben: Thank you so much for the call, Walt. Stay in touch, please.

Walt: Only if I have to. *hangs up*

Sammy: So, you heard it, kids. If you should happen upon your local weatherman… *sighs* You know, I had a joke here. What should I say if they do see him?

Ben: *flustered* DO NOT LOOK HIM IN THE EYES. Stay calm, get to a phone, and call us at the station.

Sammy: Or a dog catcher. We don’t need a ton of guys to go pick this guy up. He’s dangerous, if not to us, then to himself.

Ben: Call the sheriff’s office, guys. Be safe and be aware of your surroundings.

Sammy: Okay. Let’s take another caller, Ben.

Ben: Let’s do it. Line 9, welcome to King Falls AM with Sammy and Ben.

Troy: Ben, don’t you hang up on me. I’m growin real tired of hearing your little pity party every night. I’m tryin to make this right. Now listen, I’ve got an idea…and it is a good one.

Ben: Ho! That’s a first. Is this you trying to get in my good graces by finding the weatherman?

Troy: I don’t give two shakes of a lambs (censored) about a weatherman, Ben. I just want things to be right with us again.

Ben: There is no us, Troy.

Sammy: Let’s just calm down fellas.

Ben: I’ll make this quick, Sammy. You gonna avenge Serendipity the sugar glider, Troy?

Troy: Oh come on, man. You know I can’t.

Ben: Then this conversation is over. AGAIN. For the last time.

Troy: It’s Christmas time, Ben…or Hanukah, or Kwanza…can’t you find it in your heart to forgive?

Ben: YEAH, I don’t think so. Put me on the naughty list. Bye, Troy.

Troy: There ain’t nothin but friendship goin in your stocking at my house, Ben. I’m gonna fix this, future buddy. You’ll see. *hangs up*

Ben: Don’t look at me like that, Sammy. Let’s take another call.

Sammy: I just think you’re being a little harsh, that’s all. You’re amped up, you’re hanging up on friends of the show, you’re hanging up on listeners.

Ben: Okay, Troy is not a friend of the show…. He’s a friend of the you.

Sammy: Ben…

Ben: Don’t “Bennnn” me, Sammy. Can we just get back to the task at hand?

Sammy: Yes. Folks, if you’d like to get hung up on by us, please give us a call 424 –

Ben: Lucky Line 1! You’re live on the air.

Caller: *talking very fast* Yeah, uh, thanks for taking my call. I’d like to talk about city ordinance 44812-36. Uh, these politicians think they can pull the wool over our eyes again! But some of –

Ben: Sorry to cut you off, sir, but we’ve got to a station emergency happening. Give us a call back next week when councilmen Davidson is on.

Caller: Media Puppet! …. bye.

Sammy: Storm isn’t gonna call in himself, Ben. Maybe we need to take a break and re-group here.

Ben: I’m just worried, man. I don’t think you get how bad this is.

Sammy: I don’t ever get how bad any of this is. Does… skinwalking happen a lot?

Ben: Well, the Hatchineha Indians believed it did. It’s just a scary bedtime story to the King Falls kids I guess, but for the first time I feel like this might be a real thing.

Sammy: Are you sure it’s not just the clowns down at Channel 13? Like, you really believe this?

Ben: I believe that they believe it… and I believe they know more about it than we ever will. Think about it. Just crossing paths with one of these evil ass beings, animals, spirits, what-have-you…and you’re toast. If you look it in the eyes it locks eyes with you then there is no more you.

Sammy: It’s an unsettling thought.

Ben: Skinwalkers, man. Wicked spirits taking the form of different things i.e – news reporters! Looking to just suck the soul right out of you! It’s like pure frickin’ evil! I just want everyone listening to be safe.

Sammy: And I think that’s the main point tonight. Stay safe out there, King Falls. I just don’t like this…

Ben: Yeah, I don’t either!

Sammy: Okay, I’m just trying to grasp this – why do you want to find him?  And more to the point, why do you want us to find him?

Ben: Same reason Walt was out there searching for Storm. They say if it’s caught in time, it can be reversed. Not by me, obviously, but if we can of service to the community, why wouldn’t we do what we can?

Sammy: *admired silence* You’re a good dude, Ben Arnold. Folks, sit tight. We’re just gonna take a quick minute or two to get everything- *sudden knock at the door* WHAT THE (CENSORED)

Ben: NOT FUNNY, SAMMY.

Sammy: That wasn’t me! That’s the studio door.

Ben: Uhhhh- RECORDING LIGHT IS ON. GO AWAY.

Sammy: *whispering* Oh yeah, I think that did it. *more loud knocking* Dammit. You wanna get that?

Ben: No!

Sammy: Ben! Okay let’s cut to commercial and we’ll answer the door –

Ben: Do not go to commercial! I want whatever happens to be broadcast out to the masses, man.

Sammy: Oh, that’s a great idea. You gunning for the posthumous Pulitzer?

Ben: I’m just gonna dial up Troy… ya know, just in case.

Sammy: You know what, I’m the new guy. Let me answer the door.

Ben: Probably nothing…Oh, uh, maybe it’s Ron! He’s coming in, remember? Good ol’ scaring-the-bejesus-out-of-us Ron.

Sammy: Somehow, I don’t think this is Ron Begley at our door. Be right back…

Ben: That’s the spirit…take the portable mic with you. Hey, um, Sammy?

Sammy: Don’t. *sounds of Sammy walking and opening the door*

Storm: I ain’t the repo man, General (censored). Not answering the door? That’s some way to treat your brother in news reporting.

Ben: Sammy?!

Sammy: *clears throat* Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I’m standing in the parking lot now with Mr. Storm Sanders, Channel 13’s weatherman –

Storm: Ex-Channel 13. Get it right, Sammy.

Ben: *whispering* Don’t look in his eyes, Sammy.

Storm: What’s that?! Why ain’t you lookin at me, Sammy?

Ben: I’m coming, Sammy. Don’t look, man! *sounds of Ben running to Sammy* Don’t look him in the eyes, Sammy!

Storm: Well, hello to you too, Ben.

Ben: Avert your eyes, Sammy!

Storm: You are a rude piece of work, Ben. Look at me!

Ben: *laughs nervously* Yeah, uh, I’m not gonna do that.

Storm: What the (censored) are you two up to?!

Sammy: Ya know, okay *sighs* after seeing your outburst –

Storm: Is it cold out here to you?

Sammy: Ben – I, uh, we… King Falls, uh… we’re all a little worried that maybe, uh -

Storm: That what?! I ain’t got all night.

Ben: Well… it’s not like you’re gonna make the morning forecast *light laugh*

Storm: That’s uncalled for! But true. Spit it out, Sammy.

Sammy: Well, Ben, me, we…uh, we? We think that –

Storm: Phew, where’s ya thermostat boys?

Sammy: … We’re outside.

Storm: It’s hot as fire out here! Like ya junk once you landed one of Chet’s old ladies. Know what I mean? Are y’all feelin this (censored)?

Sammy: Storm! Focus! Ben thinks that, uh –

Ben: FACE IT, STORM! You’re a skinwalker! You’re a goner, man! Get outta here before you pass your soul eating virus on to us!

Sammy: What he said.

Storm: A skinwalker? A SKINWALKER?! You been lookin for my ass all night in this rinky dink little station just to call me on some voodoo (censored)?! I don’t like the cut of your jib, Ben. And - *faints*

Sammy: He- he just died, right? Is he dead?

Ben: He’s still breathing. What the HELL was that?

Sammy: I’m guessing Storm was going off the reservation and passing out, ladies and gents. *sounds of distant footsteps approaching* Not completely sure what we – WHAT THE- WHO ARE YOU?! What are you doing here?!

Walt: *sighs* Saving your lives. Thank me later. Now, grab his feet.

Ben: Walt?

Walt: That’s all you’ll get…

Ben: If Storm wakes up, don’t look in his eyes, Sammy!

Sammy: You know, I think I’ve got it now. Will you just stop standing there and give us a hand, please?

Ben: (censored) damn Channel 13, man!  

[kingfallstranscripts-blog]

Episode 16 : Santa Claus Ain’t Comin’ To Town

(King Falls AM theme plays)

Ben: You are off the charts excited, Sammy. Are you sure this isn’t about Christmas vacation?

Sammy: Not at all. I’ve just finally got something big to bring to the table, spooky stuff wise, and I cannot wait.

Ben: *laughs* You are glowing, man. I can’t wait to hear this.

Sammy: Good evening ladies and gents, and Welcome to King Falls AM - that’s 660 on the AM dial, and this is our last show of the year. The last show before our big Christmas break, as Ben mentioned.  

Ben: Let’s not say big, it’s just a break. We’ll be right back here literally on New Years Day. Thanks, Merv. But we’ve got a hell of a show for you.

Sammy: Okay, can I just get a few minutes off the top to talk about today’s discovery? 

Ben: I was literally just saying, the floor is yours, Sammy.

Sammy: Okay, alright. So, you know sometimes I’m a little bit, uh, skeptical when it comes to - 

Ben: Literally everything. You are skeptical of every phenomenon that has crossed our paths.

Sammy: I wouldn’t say every. 

Ben: Oh, I would. Do you want a recap? There was the alien abduction, the -

Sammy: *laughs* No - no, no, no. I think you know your stuff. So, you should know that I’m very excited to bring my own bit of King Falls lore to the table tonight. 

Ben: Before you press on, are you sure this is a good idea?

Sammy: What do you mean? 

Ben: I’m not trying to be argumentative here, but the last time that you brought in a find of our own last time like this, you brought Howard Ford Beauregard III into our lives.

Sammy: *sharply* Okay, that was a mistake and we have talked about that. 

Ben: I know! I’m just saying...be super sure about this one, huh.

Sammy: This is nothing like HFB 3. 

Ben: Then please continue my friend. 

Sammy: So, I was out doing a little bit of shopping earlier today at The King Falls Mall and -

Ben: Was it crazy crowded? I still have to pick up something special for...my mom.

Sammy: It was crowded. Not Black Friday crowded, but nicely darkly opaque Tuesday, if you will. 

Ben: Okay, cool.

Sammy: We all know that gift is not for your mom, by the way.

Ben: Whatever.

Sammy: So, I’m at the mall, I make my purchases, but I’m all worked up and got an appetite and I’m not gonna wait in line at a mall eatery with Christmas people, ya know? So, I’m thinking, why not just go the 3 minutes away to Frickards? 

Ben: ... Traitor. But I get it.

Sammy: So, I make the drive over to my favorite Frogery. A #5 Frick-a-Seed with extra frog puppies...

Ben: You actually eat the frogs there, man? I heard they poach them there directly from Lake Hatchineha.

Sammy: Don’t say that! They are a fine sponsor of the show. 

Ben: Facts are facts. 

Sammy: Okay, so I get there and pulling up right beside me is this beautiful candy apple red Corvette. It was a beauty, let me tell ya. Early 1960′s, but the closer I look, the weirder it gets. It’s got bells, like sleigh bells, all over this thing -

Ben: Let’s, uh, move on Sammy.

Sammy: So I look over at the driver, this bigger older gent steps out of the car...red suit, red tie, massive white beard -

Ben: Sammy, I think we should, uh -

Sammy: Tiny little glasses, rosy red cheeks, and the friendliest damn face I’ve ever seen. He introduced himself as Chris!

Ben: So you run into a mall Santa running late for work?

Sammy: Oh, this was no mall Santa, Ben. This was thee Santa. We made chit-chat and there was only one available table, so with it just being myself and him, we -

Ben: You had lunch with a mall Santa.

Sammy: Bennnnn, he knew my name without me saying it!

Ben: You’re a radio sensation, Sammy. Lots of people know your name.

Sammy: Do they know my childhood address? What I got for Christmas when i was 6? I don’t think so!

Ben: *laughs* Oh jeez, you got a Santa stalker, buddy. Either that or Creepy Carl got released on bail. Moving forward - 

Sammy: He knew all this stuff, Ben! My wants, my likes...good things and bad things. You know, I’m pretty protective of my personal life, Ben.

Ben: Yeah, I do, Shotgun.  

Sammy: This was Santa Claus, real as day, right here in King Falls! Not only that, but he told me that he actually vacations here part of the year! Think about that! The big guy hanging out here! *scoffs* Dude, why are you looking at me like this?

Ben: Do you know how many older gentleman in the world dress up as Santa Claus, Sammy? A lot. It’s a job for some folks. Some of them go to hospitals. It’s a big deal for some folks. This was one of those guys. Just pulling your chain, Sammy. Santa living here part time is *sputters* I doubt very, very seriously that this guy you met -

-Sammy: It was him. I don’t understand why you’re so hell bent on dismissing this! If a caller called in with this story, you’d be on a mission! 

Ben: I’m not hell bent on dismissing you. I’m just...looking at this from all angles. How bout that? 

Sammy: Are you saying King Falls isn’t good enough for a Santa vacation home? A second house?

Ben: I’m not saying that at all! That’s ludicrous...d-did he tell you I said that?!

Sammy: A-ha! So you know I’m right. 

Ben: No! Santa- I mean, mall dude Santas are tricky. I - I don’t trust them! Look at this wedge he’s driving, man!

Sammy: You know something about this... 

Ben: *sputters* You want me to tell you what I know?

Sammy: I do!

Ben: Here’s the scoop: I know you meant some...guy. I know he’s not Santa because Santa would not go to Greg Frickard’s place to eat. I know -

Sammy: You’re full of it. 

Ben: You wanna put this to the callers? We can poll this thing out. 

Sammy: I think I do, Ben! This guy knew what I go for Christmas years ago. HE knew about Wolfington the terrier, which I got for Christmas as a kid. He knew it all! 

Ben: Ha, okay, King Falls: Do you think Sammy meant the real Santa Claus earlier today? Think about this and give us a call: 424-279-3858

Sammy: Heh-heh, you are on, buddy. I’m not gonna be the only person here - 

Ben: *quickly* OPERATION KING FALLS KRINGLE 

(Cuts to commercial: Banjo Music Playing)

“Howdy y’all! It’s Randy McMullet from McMulletson’s National Palace of Snake Skin Boots, and I’m here to let ya know we got some rattlin’ new for ya. After the sensational success of Black Mamba Friday, it’s time to roll out our next deal of the year. This weekend it’s our annual Secret Santa Albino Snakeskin Special. We’ll have all our white snake choices at our unbeatable dark snake prices. So slither on down just outside of town at the corner of Route 72 and Ol Bauman Range Road. McMullet’s International House of Snake Skin Boots! Where we fill yourboots, with savin’s!"

(Welcome to 660 plays)

Sammy: What the hell was that about?

Ben: It was about saving money on boots, man. 

Sammy: No, whatever you yelled right before the commercial. 

Ben: *laughs* I don’t know what you’re talking about. I sneezed. 

Sammy: ... I’m watching you. 

Ben: Watch away, Sammy. Pick a line, they’re all lit up. Like Christmas. 

Sammy: You’re way too smug, I don’t like this. Lucky Line 1...

Ben: An excellent choice. 

Sammy: Good evening, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia: First off, Sammy, obviously you’re off your rocker. Santa lives in the North Pole! 

Sammy: *sighs* Hi, Cynthia. 

Cynthia: Secondly, are you for real shopping at the King Falls Mall? Do you have a death wish?!

Ben: What are you on about, Mrs. Higenbaum?

Sammy: It honestly wasn’t that busy...

Cynthia: I’m not talking about crowds! I’m talking about the gang of vampires that live in the mall... just waiting for the perfect time to strike! 

Ben: What?! 

Cynthia: Of course you wouldn’t know, Ben. 

Ben: I’m pretty up to date on my - 

Cynthia: Obviously you are not...or you’d know about the gang of vampires that live in the mall!

Sammy: Cynthia, thanks for calling tonight. Even if you are dead wrong about Santa. Now, would you like to expand about this, uh, vam-

Cynthia. Gang of vampires. 

Sammy: Right...

Ben: How do you know that they’re vampires, Cynthia? 

Cynthia: Pale much? Check. Dark clothes? Check. Never ever out in the light of day? CHECK! 

Ben & Sammy: She’s talking about Hot Topic...

Sammy: Aren’t you?

Cynthia: They just glare at you soullessly when you walk in. Eyeing you up and down, probably looking for a good vein.

Sammy: Or a neck tattoo. 

Cynthia: This is not to be made light of, Sammy! You’ll see!

Ben: They’re just goth kids, Mrs. Higenbaum. 

Cynthia: Oh, please. Like you know! Let the record state that when King Falls is overrun in a Lost Boys type fashion with these emo vampires that I tried to warn you! And you just laughed! 

Sammy: What do you recommend, Cynthia? Should we stock up on garlic and stakes?

Ben: I think just knowing our parents loved us enough should do the trick.

Cynthia: Laugh it up, you dumbs. You know I hate telling people “I told you so” but I will tell your ass “I told you so” SO FAST! *politely* Merry Christmas! *hangs up*

Ben: So... we’ll count that as a no. 0 and 1, Sammy. 

Sammy: Line 5, welcome to King Falls AM.

Finn: *faint sounds of the highway* Hey, Sammy! Hey, Ben! 

Sammy: Hey, Finn! Long time no talk, buddy! You doin’ alright? 

Finn: Oh yeah! Never better! Just had to get a couple shots, ya know? 

Ben: That’s good to hear, Finn. Uh, what’s your take on this?

Finn: Oh, I was actually just phonin’ cause I wanted to tell you fellas Merry Christmas before it was too late.

Ben: Merry Christmas to you too, Finn! Stay safe out there on the roads.

Finn: You know it!

Sammy: Well, thanks for calling in, Finn. We’re glad that you’re feeling better. We were pretty worried about you.

Finn: Ohhhh, you fellas. Howl at the moon one little time and you get alllll worried.

Sammy: It was more than once, Finn.

Finn: You know what I’m sayin’! It’s not like I’m going to sleep and wakin’ up naked in a field somewhere covered in chicken feathers and god knows what all over me... on the regular. *sounds of scratching *

Sammy: That... is, um, good to hear, Finn. 

Finn: Just once every now and then, ya know?

Ben: *laughs nervously* Okay, y-you take care of yourself. Happy Holidays.

Finn: You know it! *hangs up*

Ben: That was another- 

Sammy: Don’t count that! Finn didn’t comment on it either way!

Ben: I’ll mark it as Switzerland. Another call?

Sammy: You bet your ass another call. Y-you pick a line!

Ben: Uh, line 3! Good evening and Wel-

Herschel: *low sounds of a boat motor and crickets* You two goofy sons of (censored) hung up on me last time I called! When I get my dick-beaters on ya, it’ll be hell to pay! 

Ben: Uh, we...must’ve been having...phone difficulties, Herschel. We would never. Did you call during the Electrolocaust? 

Herschel: I called two damn week ago, Ben Arnold! Don’t you “Electrolocaust” me. Gotta wake up pretty damn early in the morning to scoot one past Herschel F. Baumgartner. 

Sammy: Herschel, we are so sorry the phones were malfunctioning last time you called. Are you on tonight to talk about Santa’s appearance and possible living in King Falls? 

Herschel: Santa who? Santa Livingston? Haven’t heard from that son of a (censored) since the Beaches of Normandy... 

Sammy: Santa Claus, Herschel... 

Herschel: No, I ain’t here to talk about no Sante Claus. You two need to grow the (censored) up. 

Ben: What’s on your mind, Herschel?

Herschel: Don’t rush me! You two-toned pecker sniff! I’ll get to it when I get to it. 

Sammy: Herschel, do you think - 

Herschel: Mother (censored)! I had it before you opened your damn trap! I’ll ring you later when I can think of it, and you better not hang up on me again! 

Sammy: You do that, Herschel... if we don’t hear back from you before then, have a Merry Christmas. 

Herschel: You two goin’ somewhere? 

Ben: It’s our Christmas Break! But we’ll be back live on New Years Day.

Herschel: You know what my generation called “breaks”?

Sammy: *under his breath* They weren’t just breaks? 

Herschel: They called it being (censored) dead because that’s the only break you get in life. You freeloading radio commies! Enjoy your break or vaycay or whatever you pansy bastards call it. 

Ben: Happy Holidays to you too, Herschel!

Herschel: I didn’t kill Hitler to say Happy (censored) Holidays... :*mutters under breath* *hangs up*

Sammy: Ladies and gentlemen, Ben and I are talking about the appearance of Santa here in King Falls earlier today. I was told from the jolly one himself that he enjoys staying in The Falls when he isn’t in the busy season. Ben says otherwise...

Ben: Have you or anyone you know ran into this phony Santa saying he’s squatting here? If you have, give us a call *coughing* Operation King Falls Kringle.

Sammy: I knew you were up to something! 

Ben: Please. You’re paranoid because you’re losing. Line 2, this is King Falls AM. 

Troy: Hey, fellas, Merry Christmas! Or Happy Hanukkah if that’s the way your dreidel spins. Or h-have a good Kwanzaa, etc and so on. 

Sammy: Merry Christmas, Troy. 

Ben: Are you not supposed to be calling us on duty? 

Troy: I’m on break, Ben! Damn it all! Don’t start! I’m calling to tell you something important. 

Ben: This again? You’re a broken record. BYE, TROY.

Sammy: Don’t... let him speak.

Ben: Tsk. Whatever. 

Troy: Thanks, Sammy...and right off the bat I wanna tell you I believe you saw what you say you saw. 

Ben: Troy! Come on! You know the drill!

Troy: I’m not saying he was or he wasn’t. I’m just saying, if you saw him... I believe ya. Maybe a man just wants to lay low, far away from the spotlight. I mean, King Falls is a heck of a town to retire to. 

Sammy: Mark that down, Ben.

Ben: He’s only saying it just to spite me. 

Troy: That ain’t close to true and you know it, Ben Arnold. w, if you’ll permit me... I’ve got a gift for ya.

Ben: If this is your friendship, I hope you kept the receipt. 

Troy: It’s actually not that. Though, it’s ripe for the picking whenever you want it, Ben.  

Ben: Ha, don’t hold your breath...

Sammy: *sighs* Come on. Do you wanna bring it by the station, Troy?

Ben: DON’T!

Troy: Well the problem is I bought it online and I’m having it shipped here and well...seems it’s gonna be a little late.

Ben: *laughs condescendingly* Of course it is. Can’t even get a Christmas present right, Troy. Just give it up!

Troy: We were best buds growing up and... I ain’t givin up on that. Or you. I mean, you’ll see. You and me, we’ll be back where we started just as sure as you can say “pickled pie piper”

Ben: NEXT CALLER.

Troy: That’ll work, too! Well, I’ll quit yackin and make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.

Sammy: Take care, Troy. Merry Christmas to you and yours, buddy. 

Ben: Bye, already! 

Troy: Catch ya later, future buddy.

Ben: We have time for one or two more before break. Ya wanna keep going or give it up?

Sammy: By my count, we are tied. 

Ben: Glutton for punishment...you call it.

Sammy: I’m gonna go back to Lucky Line 1. Happy Holidays! You’re on King Falls AM.

Caller: *Heavily Elvis Presley sounding* Hey, man, uh - I wanna talk about this Chris Kringle business. 

Sammy: We’re all ears, sir. Have you seen him around town or am I just being fooled by a factitious St.Nick? 

Caller/Probably Elvis: The way I see it, uh - 

Ben: Uh, who are we speaking with? 

Caller/Elvis: That don’t matter none. 

Ben: Right. Uh, w-what were you saying, sir? 

Caller/Elvis: I just think that a man wants to lie low in a place where he’s not gonna get bothered or pestered or recognized than good for him. Maybe life got too stressful or he didn’t wanna buy a Cadi for everyone that he met.... Hell, maybe he followed the love of his life to a small Podunk crazy haunted town. Maybe it’s cause he found out Rose makes the greatest peanut butter banana sammich you ever laid eyes on. 

Sammy: Are... we still talking about Santa Claus, sir?

Caller/Elvis: Of course! 

Sammy: Okay, it just seemed like maybe we were talking about someone else for a second. Like yourself... 

Caller/Elvis: ♪Don’t be cruel♪ Sammy. I’m just a teddy bear. A teddy bear with nothin to hide. I say if Ol’ St. Nick wants to hang out in this spooky place then so be it. We can’t have ♪suspicious minds!♪ about it. Just let it be. 

Ben: Sir, I-I don’t wanna make this about you, but you sound a lot like the King of Rock and I -

Caller/Elvis: Yeah! ♪Little less conversation♪ Ben! *hangs up* 

Sammy: I’m just gonna say... I think that guy knows that he’s talking about, Ben.

Ben: Still doesn’t mean anything! 

Sammy: Why are you fighting me so hard one this, Ben?!

Ben: Okay... I’m not saying you’re right...

Sammy: But I’m right...

Ben: But! But! If somebody as important as Santa Claus was to have a vacation home or hide away spot in King Falls - and he doesn’t!

Sammy: And he does...

Ben: But...maybe it’s for a reason. Like a specific reason. Like maybe he doesn’t wanna be bothered with a bag of mail everyday. An email address overflowing with wants and needs. Non-union worker issues. Maybe the wife wants a place to escape the hustle and bustle of the great white north a few times a year without TMZ knocking on the door. If that were the case, and I-I don’t think it would be fair to call attention to that.

Sammy: If that were the case...

Ben: Right! If that were the case. Now, I do not think that’s the case at all. I think this is the case of... mistaken identity. Or maybe you were tricked by a chubby merrier than thou prankster who was too friendly to not keep up appearances. But I don’t think you really saw the real deal here...and he certainly wouldn’t live in King Falls for a few weeks every year if you did see him. 

Sammy: Huh. Maybe...Maybe I was mistaken...

Ben: It...it could’ve been anybody. 

Sammy: I think you’re on to somethin, Ben. I think I was, uh... huh. I think I was mislead. 

(Holiday music starts playing)

Ben: *laughs* Maybe so! 

Sammy: Hmm, well... Okay, then.

Ben: We good?

Sammy: Yeah, I think we’re good! So I hear we got a hell of a show lined up for tonight, is that right?

Ben: Oh! You better believe it, buddy! Right after the break! 

(Sleigh-bells and Santa in background) Ho-ho-ho! 

Sammy: Sorry about that, folks! Somebody must owe Chet some money. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for hanging out with us this chilly winter’s night. We’re just getting started here, but we’re gonna take a quick break to pay some bills. If we don’t hear from you before then, Merry Christmas to you and yours from King Falls AM. 

(Sleigh-bells and Santa in background) Merry Christmas! 

[kingfallstranscripts-blog]

Episode 11: Ringin’ Hell’s Doorbell

Sammy: Welcome back , everyone. The time is 4:44am here at King Falls AM.

Ben: It’s a slow night. You wanna do…weather and traffic?

Sammy: It’s warmin up…If there’s traffic at this ungodly hour, we got problems

Ben: *snickers* Got that right, Sammy. But before we go back to the phones in a sec, I’ve got an email I’d like to read you. I think you’ll get a kick out of this.

Sammy: Oh! Well, very cool. Whatcha got?

Ben: So, you know I wrote the producers of Mission Apparition, right?

Sammy: No… what’re you talkin about?

Ben: It’s that brain tumor of a show on channel 13?

Sammy: I know the show, Ben! I’m saying I didn’t know you wrote them.

Ben: Dude, you’re gonna love it. I emailed trying to get them booked as guests so we could tear them apart.

Sammy: Well, I mean, they did keep the lights on a few weeks back running an ad, of course. So, please don’t tell me you got confrontational?

Ben: If telling the truth about their staged show counts as confrontational, then…I totally did.

Sammy: Okay, so you accost a paid sponsor of King Falls Am, continue…

Ben: *Laughs* Alright, let me read this to you. “Dear Sammy,” sorry you… left your station email up.

Sammy: Uh-huh.

Ben: “We at Mission Apparition are extremely sorry you feel the show is overly produced and not true to the nature of actual distressed spirits. In actuality, Dan and Larry are two of the most highly trained professionals in this field. While we appreciate blunt criticism, name calling just isn’t needed. If you have any real suggestions to make the show better, please let us know.”

Sammy: Ben. What did you call them?

Ben: Doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I wrote them back and they’re going to be shooting a future episode of the show in King Falls.

Sammy: No way!

Ben: I said we have many fine spectral establishments here. The gauntlet was thrown down and they took the bait.

Sammy: As much as I hate to say this, you’re gonna get to see the Mission Apparition guys in a real situation at least.

Ben: Oh yeah. I’m not sure which to offer up: the old Slaughter House off Cotton Tail Hollow or the library.

Sammy: I’m not gonna make a you’re-trying-to-impress-Emily comment here, I know that place is full of activity.

Ben: Exactly.

Sammy: BUT…. You are trying to impress Emily.

Ben: Whatevs. Okay, okay, get this though! After I told them I was co-host of a late-night AM talk show, they asked if I wanted to come on set so I could get an interview live.

Sammy: Well, book it! Make it happen!

Ben: Done and done.

Sammy: But please stop using my email.

Ben: No promises.

Sammy: Alright folks, after that exciting announcement, we’re gonna open up the phone lines to you, our dear listeners. And, uh, Ben? You got a topic?

Ben: I absolutely do, but you can’t have it until a touch after the 5 o’clock hour, Sammy.

Sammy: You heard the man, ladies and gents. It’s a bonafide free for all for the next ten minutes or so.  Give us a call 424-279-3858.

Ben: Or hit us up on twitter @kingfallsam

Sammy: Lucky Line 1, you’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Caller: *deep disguised scraggly voice* Uh, yeah… *heavy breathing* Did you check the mail? *muffled laugh*

Sammy: Maybe once or twice in my lifetime, uh, do you have a topic? Or is this Ted Kaczynski calling from prison*?

Caller: Uh….you’ll have a topic soon…heh…*hangs up ominously*

Ben: You know I should go take a look in our mail slot now, right?

Sammy: *exasperated* Don’t

Ben: It’s a verbal triple dog dare. I’ll be right back.

Sammy: *sighs* One day, it’s gonna be a head… I just know it. Line 5 welcome to King Falls AM.

Caller: Oh, I got through! Sammy?! I – I need to speak with you in private. Please!

Sammy: I’m gonna be a little bit sir. We just came back from break. But I’m happy to talk about whatever.

Caller: We really can’t talk about this on the air. *Nervous breaths* It’s about…I really don’t wanna say much. I sent you a text message about…oh…a month or so back? We need to speak. It’s incredibly urgent!

Sammy: Sir I get a lot of texts over the course of a month.

Caller: Well, we can’t talk about this on the air.

Sammy: Who am I speaking with?

Ben (returning): We got mail, Sammy!

Caller: *quietly* I turned the power back on…

Ben: Mr. Thompson?

Caller: *nervously* Err.. no! *hangs up abruptly*

Sammy: Hello? Sir?

Ben: What was that about? I swear that dude sounded just like my old science professor.

Sammy: Can you  get a number on line 5, Ben?

Ben: Uh, yeah, yeah, in a minute. Look at this!

Sammy: *laughs* Is that a cassette tape?

Ben: Yeah, no letter - just a tape. It’s labeled “D.D.” We should play this.

Sammy: I hope it’s Duran Duran.

Ben: I’ll just stick this in…here.

Sammy: Uh, do you think we should listen to this first? I know you got a trigger finger on the dump, but…

Ben: You’re looking at the fastest finger in the tri-state.

Sammy: You know, there’s a dirty joke there that, for our friendship, I’m just gonna cruise right on past.

Ben: Where’s the play button on this hunk of junk? Merv, why do we have a cassette player in the studio? It’s 2015.

Sammy: I think you know why.

Ben: *rubbing hands together* I’m excited!

Sammy: You better be payin attention. I don’t want to hear one –

TAPE INTERUPTS – *in heavy Australian accent*: “This is Lance McCord checking in. I’m about 5 kilometers off the Stealth Ridge Trail now. It’s heavily wooded and getting thicker.”

Sammy: Do you know this guy “Lance”?

Ben: Never heard of him. But if the “R” word was politically correct for broadcast, I’d probably be use it for him right now. That trail is like the boonies within the boonies.

*Tape continues*

Lance: “So far so good. I was- I was a bit worried with all the tall tales surrounding the ‘Devil’s Doorstep’ I guess that’s why I’m talking to you and tracing my steps. Nothing stranger or out of the ordinary. I have noticed the lack of wildlife and birds to be this far in the bush.”

Ben: *stops tape* … There is no way.

Sammy: “The Devils Doorstep” ?

Ben: Defiantly the R word or has a death wish. Or both!

Sammy: Where is this place?

Ben: It’s north of King Falls. It’s a dark ass set of woods. Obviously, this guy isn’t from around here because he’d know you don’t even talk about it, much less go there.

Sammy: Ominous…

Ben: AND we don’t joke about it.

Sammy: It sounds so inviting, The Devil’s Doorstep. What kind of Welcome Mat do you think the Dark Lord picks out? Do you think he has a “NO SOLICITING” sign?

Ben: Stop it. I know you laugh about stuff like this, but…don’t.

*Tape continues*

Lance: “Right, about 30 minutes from my last check in. My mobile has lost signal. Looks like it’s just you and me pal. I lost a little of time I’ve been turned around a few minutes back. All the paths are starting to look really similar, so, it’s hard to… *ominous indistinct singing* Still no wildlife. I don’t know if any men or women have ever stepped where I’m stepping. I kind of like that”

*Tape stops*

Sammy: Did you hear something there?

Ben: NOPE. NO SINGING.

Sammy: I didn’t say singing. I said something.

Ben: I didn’t hear anything.

*Tape continues*

Lance: “It’s getting colder our and darker. That and my mind is playing the tiniest of tricks on me. Voices, singing, whispers. It’s – it’s head games. Nothing’s gonna stop me from making it to the gate.”

*Tape stops*

Ben: I think that’s enough.

Sammy: Ben, honestly. Gate? I’m not following here. You’re the expert: what’s he looking for? Or… why’s he looking for it?

Ben: COMMERCIAL TIME. Let’s do this…

 *Commercial break*

Sammy: And welcome back to King Falls AM that’s 660 on the radio dial. We’ve just been listening to a tape we received anonymously. Apparently, there’s a hiker out adventuring in –

Ben: LINE 8 – you’re live.

Caller: Oh boy! Things are getting tense on that tape!

Ben: FORGET THE TAPE. How- how’re you doing, Finn? Is everything still intact?

Finn: Doin’ swell, just well! *sounds of scratching skin vigorously*

Ben: You okay there, Finn?

Finn: Oh sorry! Wasn’t sure if you picked that up. I’ve just been scratchin something awful the past couple weeks. I got in some poison oak, or something – I don’t know!

Sammy: Glad to hear you’re doing well, after…

Finn: *low growling*

Ben: …. You got a travel buddy with you tonight, Finn?

Finn: Nah, nah – just got cut off going down the highway, here. Lousy drivers…we got three other lane you know! Ah! Look at the food billboards!

Sammy: Um, what’s on your mind tonight buddy?

Finn: Just callin in to say hi… that sorta thing. Plus, this story? Wowee, who is this guy? Have you talked about this place before? I don’t think I heard you mention it. Uh, I don’t think…

Ben: Because we don’t.

Finn: Spooooky stuff, fellas.

Sammy: Yeah… I don’t know if you –

Finn: *howls loudly*

Ben: Uh, I’m sorry. You gotta keep your pup quiet.

Finn: What? No doggy here. Just you two fellas, me… rolling down the road.

Sammy: You don’t have a dog with you, Finn?

Finn: Couldn’t if I wanted to. I’m allergic.

Ben: Are… are you feeling okay? Did you ever get checked out after that night you hit that…weredog?

Finn: What? I woudn’t lay hands on a pooch! Are you feelin’ alright, Ben?

Sammy: *laughs* He’s talkin about the dog you accidentally hit awhile back. You got out to check on it and the call dropped off?

Finn: Uh…. No, wasn’t me. I think I’d remember somethin’ like that *horns honking in background* Dammit all, I gotta go, boys. Can’t scratch, talk, and drive all at the same time. Finish that tape, it’s givin me the willies!

Ben: Stay awake and stay safe, Finn. Make a doctor’s appointment, maybe….

Sammy: Or a vet…

Finn: *chuckles* Oh, you two. Catch you later. *howls loudly* *phone disconnects*

Sammy: Now Ben, you know I love what you do on the show. I wouldn’t wanna do this with anybody else….BUT, I’ve got a tiny issue with you cutting to unscheduled breaks during conversations.

Ben: Do that happen? I’m so sorry, I just… I’m so interested in –

Sammy: Doing anything but playing that tape. Got us all interested now, man. You gotta follow through.

Ben: Okay – it was fun, but I think we should just forget about it.

Sammy: Impossible.

Ben: S-sit down, don’t –

*Tape starts*

Lance: *Threatening wind blowing* “There’s no doubt that there’s something keeping me away from the gate at this point. My watch has just stopped working so I don’t know what time it is. I can’t really see the sun from the thicket, it’s hard to tell. I checked my compass to ensure I was… WHAT THE?” *creepy singing intensifies*

Eerie voice: “TURN. BACK. NOW.”

Lance: “My fu(censored) compass is literally spinning like a top! There’s EVIL in these woods! You can feel it in the air! It’s palpable!”

*Tape stops*

Sammy: Ben! Don’t be mad!

Ben: You shouldn’t be playing this! This isn’t a joke, man! This is a tape that probably needs to go to the proper authority! I’m gonna google Missing Persons

Sammy: Look, I’m not against that. But let’s finish this up, and at the very least talk to me. Tell us a little bit about the woods.

Ben: If- if I tell you, will you stop playing the damn tape?

Sammy: Absolutely. Help fill these last minutes until your actual topic of discussion arrives.

Ben: *sighs* The path Lance is on is called Stealth Ridge. It’s about a five mile round trip hike up north in Perdition Wood.

Sammy: You guys really know how to name things here.

Ben: Supposedly, as in, legend-has-it kind of talk, way off the beaten path – I mean way off, as in nobody’s ever seen it – is what he’s looking for. A cave called “The Devil’s Doorstep”

Sammy: Uh-huh.

Ben: Put two and two together here, Sammy! It’s an entrance to the gates of hell! Many people went out looking for it – none have ever found it. Some never return.

Sammy: Have you been up there, Ben?

Ben: Once…

Sammy: And?!

Ben: Are you serious?! Hell no, I haven’t been! I’m not crazy like Crocodile Dundee on that tape.

Sammy: I mean, he’s gotta be okay, right? The tape made it here! It could’ve been him who dropped it off in our mail and called tonight, right?

Ben: This was fun for a minute, now it’s just massively creepy, let’s move – *tape starts* SAMMY!

Sammy: Dude, you’re looking at me! I didn’t push the button!

Lance: “It is so cold. I’ve descended a great deal from the initial crest of the ridge it seems. I saw what appeared to be – “

Eerie Voice: “LAST. WARNING”

*Sounds of tape trying to be turned off*

Ben: TURN IT OFF!  

Lance: “WHAT THE FU(censored) IS THAT?!”

Ben: Alright it won’t stop. Unplug it! I’m not kidding!

Sammy: It is unplugged!

*Chilling scream coming from tape*

Lance: *Breathing hard* “It’s after me! *creepy singing gets louder* I – I don’t know what that was. I went in to look at this cove, here. I think I’m just gonna wait it out until morning. I’m wet, cold – I caught my jack in the bush. I’m bleeding… Jesus. *creepy singing continues* My- my phone is missing. God dammit. It really is just you and –

Eerie Voice: ME!!!!!

Lance: “No! Help me!!” *intense screaming* *singing continues*

[kingfallstranscripts-blog]

Episode 12: All The Pretty Flowers

*Jazzy Music Playing*

Chet: Well the clock on the wall is telling me that’s all, y’all. So I’m gonna mosey on down to The Red Rock bar and buy all the ladies a drink on me. But don’t try fool me again, Dennis. This has been Chet Sebastian’s Jazz Corner. Til next time…keep it cool King Falls.

(King Falls AM intro music)

Ben: Good evening you’re listening to King Falls AM – that’s 660 on the radio dial. And this is the Sammy and Ben show, sans Sammy at the moment.

Sammy: Sorry about that, Ben, everybody at home. I was just running a little late. You know I just saw the weirdest thing!

Ben: Was it Chet leaving? I told him to take that fur coat off. Guy looks like he walked off a set of a Blaxploitation film.

Sammy: *laughs* No, I wish I’d seen that. But I was driving in tonight, running a tad bit late as you can see, and I swear to you, coming up Main Street I got behind a hearse delivering these giant white rose bouquets. Like every couple of streets the damn things stoppin.

Ben: No.

Sammy: No *laughs* yeah it did.

Ben: ……. SOOOOO, we’ve got a great show for you folks tonight. Uh, Ernie Salcedo…

Sammy: Ben.

Ben: *clearing his throat loudly* YES?

Sammy: Okay, I can see you slashing at your neck furiously and shaking your head no, but the audience can’t. So, what’s the issue?

Ben: I’m sorry we…just don’t talk about this, Sammy.

Sammy: So you know of it! Is it like some kind of weird Halloween thing?

Ben: Halloween? Are you serious? We don’t celebrate Halloween here in the Falls, Sammy.

Sammy: WHAT? This is like friggin’ Halloween Town! You know those shops that open up every year around Halloween and close the day after? King Falls is where all those shop should move to when it’s not Halloween.

Ben: Two things: 1) That’s a horrible business model and 2) Halloween is one big diabetic pumpkin.

Sammy: Come on? You don’t like decorating…Trick-or-Treating?

Ben: ALL OF IT. It’s like tempting these ghouls and goblins to come and mess with you. We got enough of that here. And again, diabetes.

Sammy: Okay, I can see where you’re coming from, but I’m not gonna lie - this is kind of a surprise.

Ben: What can I say? We’re more the Christmas or Arbor Day types.

Sammy: Okay, so the hearse is delivering flowers…What’s the deal if it’s not a Halloween ritual?

Ben: Did you really see that? Did someone tell you to mess with me about this?

Sammy: Scout’s Honor. I was late because of it. I illegally passed on a double yellow line – sorry Deputy Troy – just to skate around them and make my way up the mountain.

Ben: I don’t like this. I – I don’t know that I’ve ever known anyone that saw the flowers delivered. Usually businesses and people just find the wreaths the next morning. Did you see inside the hearse? Was it… people?

Sammy: You know, I didn’t look, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say… it was a human being.

Ben: Well, that’s good. That’s something.

Sammy: Okay, so the roses…

Ben: Dammit, Sammy! We’ve got a show scheduled, ya know?

Sammy: I’m well aware! Just fill me in about the roses and we’ll move on.

Ben: Yeah, yeah, okay, so... *takes deep breath* Every year around this time –

Sammy: Halloween…

Ben: OCTOBER.

Sammy: Uh-huh…

Ben: Every October… there is a certain society of people – and I use the term people loosely – that congregate and deliver the rose wreaths to individuals and businesses. That’s a fact.

Sammy: And?

Ben: And…nobody really knows what happens after that.

Sammy: *you can actually hear the smile in his voice* But legend has it

Ben: Don’t legend-has-it me! Nobody knows for sure! Why gossip?

Sammy: Okay, what do you think happens, Ben?

Ben: Ughhhhh, well, I think people either accept this weird invitation or…they don’t. But I can tell you, the people that don’t? Well…they don’t last long after that.

Sammy: Okay so we’ve just went from spooky 1-800-Flowers to murder in only a few easy steps.

Ben: Not, murder, per say…but businesses that decline tend to move away or go under. Or tragedy strikes. Sure, I’ve- I’ve heard stories of these folks winding up at the wrong end of a funeral ceremony, but I couldn’t prove it. You satisfied now?

Sammy: Of course. Thank you, Ben. King Falls you’ve heard our story, now let’s hear yours!

Ben: DON’T open the phone lines!

Sammy: We’re opening up the phone lines here at the station. 424-279-3858. Have you had contact with this demonic annual floral delivery? Hit us up!

Ben: Don’t call or tweet us. Please.

Sammy: Give us a call or tweet us @KingFallsAM. Ben will personally answer every tweet #RedRumRoses

Ben: NOPE! Not gonna happen.

Sammy: Ben…. It looks like the phone lines are lighting up, buddy.

Ben: I expected better of you, King Falls.

Sammy: Lucky Line 1 you’re on the air with Sammy and Ben.

Pete: Low down, gossip mongering, muckraking FILTH.

Ben: Pete?

Sammy: *softly* Escobar?

Pete: No, it- it’s Pete. You know damn well I’m listening.

Ben: What’s on your mind tonight, Pete?

Sammy: Did your mom teach you to start off phone calls with name-calling, Pete?

Pete: My mom taught me to…stand up for myself. Don’t start a fight, but don’t be afraid to end it.

Sammy: Who’s fighting?

Pete: Oh, what a short attention span you have, SAMMY. Not dwelling on you and Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard III issues, you’re picking a fight with the unknown. Ben told you to shut your trap.

Sammy: Heh, let me tell you, this would a long 4 hours if we didn’t talk. You know, sometimes you have to –

Pete: Yeah, yeah, I get it, Mr. Nincompoop radio host.  You gotta blab, but that’s something you don’t trifle with. You should know this.

Ben: Sammy, you know I hate to say Pete is right about anything, b-

Pete: But I’m right about this! I know you know, Ben. That’s all I need to know. Stop yapping about things you don’t understand.

Sammy: Thanks, Pete. Did you have a question or an experience with the flowers, Pete?

Pete: Ab-absolutely not. I – don’t try to get me in trouble.

Ben: You okay over there, Pete?

Pete: *nervous* Yeah I’m just out…uh, just out.

Sammy: This time of night?

Pete: Yeah, I’m just out uh runnin errands and stuff. It’s n- it’s not your business!

Ben: Uh-huh…

Pete: You’re makin something of this. You- you’re doin something. You’re getting me invol-stop!

Ben: It’s just weird, Mr. Beauregard’s gardener is out at 2 in the morning running errands.

Sammy: So your boss doesn’t have anything to do with the roses, does he, Pete?

Pete: Ben Arnold, if you got a lick of good sense, I wouldn’t walk too close to Sammy for the next few hmmm…life times! He’s gonna end up on the bottom end of an anvil.

Sammy: You know, I just don’t think asking questions is the equivalent of buying ACME rocket kits and trying to catch a damn bird.

Ben: Mind answering his question, Pete?

Pete: Oh, HELL NO. You two are a couple of horse patoots. I’m never listening to this show again.

Ben: Until tomorrow.

Pete: PETE OUT *hangs up*

Ben: Are you happy, Sammy? Is this what you were hoping for?

Sammy: Civilized conversation is the only thing I hope for. That said, I’m gonna say… it’s a tad bit suspicious.

Ben: There are dots we don’t need to connect. MOVING ON

Sammy: Maybe you’re right.

Ben: Folks, we’re gonna take a break to pay some bills, and we’ll be right back and on schedule.

(Wild West Themed Music) Dale’s Dollar Tree…at dirt cheap prices…it’s almost free. Hi, everybody, I’m super excited to tell you bout some unbelievable deals we have right now…at Dale’s Dollar Tree. Segue through the sands *Eagle Screeches * Our low prices are guaranteed. Who’s guaranteeing it you ask? Me. How do you take advantage of these savings? 1) Walk into Dale’s Dollar Tree 2) Throw something in your cart 3) Savings. DALE’S DOLLAR TREE *EAGLE SCREECHES*

(King Falls AM theme plays)

Sammy: Ladies and gentlemen, we are back. You’re listening to King Falls AM. Now we were just talking about me running late this morning, cause of a hearse-

Ben: SO WE GOT A GREAT SHOW SCHEDULED TONIGHT. We’ve got Mr. Eli Goldblum later in the hour.

Sammy: And who is Mr. Goldblum?

Ben: Are you kidding me? Only the most renowned mortal psychologist known to man. He’s on his spoken word world tour. This Thursday you can see him live at The King Falls Convention Center.

Sammy: That’s…something.

Ben: Indeed! So that’s in about…40 minutes. We got Rose from Rose’s Diner, of course, coming in to talk about how the bee crisis is affecting her honey baked ham specials in the foreseeable future.  

Sammy: Really? That’s something that’s happening?

Ben: Come on, Sammy. This bee situation is serious business.

Sammy: You get points for not buzzing or saying “beeeees-ness”

Ben: You don’t wanna know how hard that was…

Sammy: So, okay…how can we help with the bees?

Ben: Uh… cut back on swatting them? I-I-I don’t know for sure that’s-that’s why we’re talkin to Rose.

Sammy: Gotcha

Ben: And our first topic of discussion this evening was gonna be –

Sammy: About the flowers.

Ben: Don’t.

Sammy: Okay, look: can we open up the phone lines again? I’d like to talk about these flowers, and you can tell King Falls your topic, and then we’ll see what they wanna talk about.

Ben: You know they’ll talk about the damn rose wreaths!

Sammy: You heard it here, folks. Line 7, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Herschel: Ugh I can’t sleep with all this damn racket going on! You two DINGLEBERRIES keep it down!

Sammy: *laughs* Herschel?

Herschel: Oh, hell. Don’t make me get out of bed and give you a full blast so late at night. Don’t even know where my slippers are…

Ben: Mr. Baumgartner, you realize you called us, right? This is the radio station.

Herschel: I know WHO and WHAT I called. I dialed you DICKWHISTLES because all this cry babying about the damn flowers. Turn that jazz fella back on so I can get some rest!

Sammy: Chet is on from 10pm-2am, Mr. Baumgartner. This is Sammy and Ben and we talk about –

Herschel: I don’t give a damn if it’s Tricky Dick Nixon calling me to give me a congressional medal of honor! Shut your nose holes about the damn funeral flowers and play some good ol heroin fueled American art! *hangs up*

Sammy: We’re gonna count that as a 1 for the flowers…

Ben: Line 14 you’re live with Sammy and Ben

Caller: Long time listener here!

Sammy: *hangs up line*

Ben: Did you hang up, Sammy?

Sammy: Yeah, sorry. I hate that guy.

Ben: *chuckles* Line 3, this is King Falls AM.

Beauregard: Good evening, Benjamin. Samuel. This is –

Ben: Beauregard?!

Beauregard: *sighs* Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard the THIRD. My man told me that you were spreading more lies than usual on your little radio show. I thought I would call and clear the air.

Sammy: Mr. Beauregard, can I just say... before this call goes ANY further, that we will not accept any abuse towards us or any listeners of the show.

Beauregard: How cute that you think people listen to you two buffoons.

Ben: That’s abuse! That’s exactly what we were –

Beauregard: Oh, that’s a joke where I come from. You millennials would’ve never lasted back in my day. With your emotions and feelings of the like.

Ben: When was that day, again, Mr. Beauregard?

Beauregard: Information about myself and my family can be found in my international best selling e-book, “King of King Falls” … I don’t have to answer to, well, you.

Sammy: *sighs* Did you have a reason for the call tonight, Beauregard?

Beauregard: Indeed, I do. While men with any couth wouldn’t speak about festivities that they know nothing about.

Sammy: So, you’re behind these deliveries?

Ben: Also, while I would never name names and throw my friend under a bus, you should know this wasn’t the agreed upon topic on the show.

Sammy: Oh, stop it.

Beauregard: I don’t know a thing about the supposed yearly delivery of white roses that you speak of. My family, nor myself, have ever been involved with such joviality. In fact, in all my years I can’t recollect such a thing.

Ben: I don’t buy that for a second. Maybe you’ve never sent the roses, and let’s play devil’s advocate and say sure you’ve never received them, which I doubt, but there is no way you haven’t heard of this.

Beauregard: Maybe it’s something you commoners have made up. Like, the tooth fairy or the illuminati… or equal rights for the sexes.

Ben: I can’t deal with this guy! Just dump him and let’s take another line.

Sammy: Wait, Mr. Beauregard, if you don’t care about this and in fact haven’t even heard of it until tonight, why would you bother to break your hate silence with us to call in?

Beauregard: You’re not nearly as dumb as you look, Stevens. And while I continue to honor my statement before, I’d have to assume that this rose ordeal is a real thing. It’s probably a very special thing. An intimate invitation sent by the upper echelons of King Falls. A way of making amends or bring people worthy of attention into a conversation they normally would not have been invited to have.

Ben: Just for everyone keeping score at home, I took a college course on crazy and I believe he’s saying he knows that the wreath deliveries are real and he’s probably behind them.

Beauregard: Time is money, gentleman. Not that you understand that concept. But instead of painting a ceremony you know nothing about as tragic and scary, perhaps it’s not. Perhaps it’s something more than that, entirely. In any case, it’s not something that should be spoken about in public. *phone chirps* Ah…I’ll be going now, gentlemen. And while I do use that word lightly perhaps take a break from your radio program and check your door.

Ben: Is that a threat?

Beauregard: Trick-or-Treat, Samuel…Benjamin. *hangs up*

Sammy: Wonder what he sounds like when he has something nice to say to me…

Ben: Probably hasn’t said anything nice to a person since the 60’s. The 1860’s.

Sammy: Ya know, I didn’t mean to ruffle anyone’s feathers tonight. Especially crazy old billionaires who try to drive us off the air, so let’s just –

Ben: I’M GONNA GO CHECK THE DOOR.

Sammy: WHAT?

Ben: Yeah, I’m sorry, man… Beauregard gives the willies and I wanna make sure there isn’t –

Sammy: A sugar glider on a noose?

Ben: Too far. I was just gonna say that he hasn’t had Pete ding-dong-ditch us or something.

Sammy: And here I thought the Williams Boys had that market cornered.

Ben: I’ll be back in a sec. *sounds of getting up from his chair and leaving*

Sammy: *calling after him* Don’t talk about Pete that way, Ben! He’s never gonna listen to the show again! Alright, folks. We’re just a few hot minutes away from Eli Goldblum coming into the studio to talk about…I’m guessing ghosts with lingering mental issues? *ominous music starts playing* Ah, I’m sorry apparitions. *sounds of Ben running back into the studio* I’m holding out hope for an apparition with multiple personality disorders, but I don’t know if that’s a thing or not. Ben? You okay, buddy?

Ben: How many times did I ask you to stop talking about the stupid hearse, Sammy?

Sammy: What’s wrong?

Ben: Oh, nothing. You wanna go outside and take a look?

Sammy: You know, I don’t think I want to. I’m more than happy with you filling me in.

Ben: Well, I didn’t go outside, Sammy. I didn’t have to. I just looked out the front window.

Sammy: Yeah, and? Ben, what’s going on do we need to call Troy?

Ben: The whole parking lot: my car, your car, as far as the lights will let me see…nothing but white roses.

Sammy: Are you serious?

Ben: Go look! Just don’t go out there. It looked like it was snowing, that’s how many of those damn things are out there.

Sammy: Okay, what’s the chances that it’s just a non-Halloween bouquet from Emily to you?

Ben: ZERO. Zero percent chance, Sammy.

Sammy: Folks, we’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

[kingfallstranscripts-blog]

Episode 14: Date Night At The Library

(King Falls AM Theme Plays)

Pete: Well that's why you're a damn fool, Sammy!

Sammy: Pete, I thought you weren't listening to King Falls AM ever again.

Pete: Oh you'd like that wouldn't you? No one keeping you on the straight and narrow, you roughed up rascal. I've got just the mind to stop.

Sammy: Of course you do, Pete

Pete: Don't push me cause close I'm close to the edddddge.

Sammy: Okay, the hotline is ringing I gotta let you go, buddy.

Pete: Say what? I'm done? Are you kidding me? I'm f**king destroying your Yelp page, alright? I got homies on yahoo answers that are gonna hear about this. It's gonna go straight down the grape vine and you're going -

Sammy: *hangs up on Pete* Hey, Ben?

Ben: Heyyyy, Sammy. This is weird, huh?

Sammy: For those of you just joining us, local King Falls apparition expert and our beloved co-host Ben Arnold-

Ben: Ohhh, stop.

Sammy: - is not in the station with me this evening, but is actually conducting an on-site interview -

Ben: And investigation! Don't forget that part, Sammy.

Sammy: ...and investigation with Dan and Larry of the TV show Mission Apparition down at the King Fall's public library. You know Ben, of all the weird, kooky places that are "haunted"... why did you pick -

Ben: Dude, they just pulled in with their fancy van right before I called *laughs* I think they're bringing out the goofy googles and some protons packs. Who you gonna call?

Emily: Ghostbusters!

Sammy: Oh. Emily Potter. You know, I didn't expect you here.

Ben: Duh, how else was I gonna get into the library down here? I don't think Ol' Ms. Kilpatrick was gonna come let us in. Geez

Sammy: I was being sarcastic, Ben. Maybe you didn't notice because you were blinded by lo-

Ben: Don't.

Sammy: So you've been down at the library all evening with Emily while I've been here scrambling by myself in the studio?

Ben: You know I had to set up for the interview. There's... a lot of work that goes into this. Do you know how hard it is to set up a remote? Psh, this has not been all horseplay.

Sammy: Just some horseplay?

Ben: Not a lick. I mean none. You know how serious I am about prep.

Sammy: You're right.

Emily: Hi, Sammy!

Sammy: Hi, Emily!

Emily: Did you tell him that joke you told me, Benny? Tell it to Sammy.

Ben: I stand by my previous statement.

Sammy: Of course you do.

*knock on door*

Ben: Ahh! They're here! *hums Ghostbusters theme song*

Emily: I'll go let them in.

Ben: *still humming theme* …Ghostbusters!

Sammy: Folks, maybe you're thinking my esteemed colleague, Ben, has been down at a closed library with the girl he loves for-

Ben: Sammy, can we do this later?

Sammy: Only if you tell me that joke, Ben.

Ben: Uhhh, hey – uh, I'm Ben with Kings Falls AM. Thanks for coming.

Larry: What up, Ben. I'm Larry and this my partner, Dan. And together we are -

Larry and Dan: Mission Apparition!

Ben: That... is... a… very synchronized introduction, guys.

Dan: Thanks, Ben. So... this is the King Falls public library, huh? Very nice.

Larry: Creepy, man!

Emily: Hi! I'm Emily Potter. I'm the head librarian here. Thank you so much for coming to check the place out! It's been a... trying few months with the…. spirits we have here…. at odds with one another.

Dan: Not a problem at all. Anything to ease the mind of the dearly departed.

Ben: Jeez. Us. Jesus. You guys should do a Jerusalem episode.

Dan: You know, the ratings said "yes" but then Homeland Security actually said "no"... you can thank Larry and the funky (???) for that.

Larry: Maybe in 3 to 5!

Sammy: As Ben said, thank you guys so much for joining us here live on Kings Falls AM. That's 660 on the AM dial. It’s a pleasure to have you on tonight.

Dan: *clearing his throat* Is…uh.. is this Sammy Stevens?

Sammy: That it is.

Dan: Yeah you know I noticed you aren’t here live after your big email writing skills, Sammy. You afraid of what we’ll find tonight? Or of looking Mission Apparition in the eyes after your disparaging remarks?

Sammy: You know that actually wasn’t m –

Ben: *clearing throat loudly*

Sammy: Yes…let’s go with that. Either one of them.

Ben: Thanks, Sammy.

Larry:  I’ve got the gear, Dan! Wh-where do we start?

Ben: Oh, we can head over to the –

Dan: Let’s listen to the lovely Miss Emily… we are indeed guests in your den of enlightenment.

Ben: *scoffs*

Emily: Ben has a lovely interview area set up right over here. Maybe we should start there first, Ben?

Ben: That’d be –

Dan: That’d be terrific. Emily, after you.

Ben: *laughs nervously* Did you guys find us alright? Tonight?

Larry: Ben, you wouldn’t believe it! We got awful lost comin up the mountain. I mean, turned around something stupid – like 20-25 minutes? *laughing* GPS, right?

Dan: I mean sometimes you can’t trust technology to steer ya straight. Sometimes you just have to navigate…with your heart. Isn’t that right, heh, Emily?

Ben: Well maybe if you steer with your heart too much it’ll lead you to that weird shaman from Temple of Doom. And… you lose your heart.

Sammy: What Ben was trying to say was, uh- Sweetser Forest- that’s where you guys were, right?

Larry: Hell yeah it was!

Ben: Maybe if you did your homework *laughs condescendingly* you’d know it’s another of the spirits here in King Falls. General Abaline.

Dan: Ah. Huh, that makes sense. He leads travelers away from the bloodiest battle in King Falls history.

Emily: That’s right, Dan! Really studied up.

Ben: Yeah. DAN. Good job. Really. So good.

Sammy: You know what everybody? Just to keep us on schedule, I think we’re gonna take a real quick break. You guys can get settled in and after the break then we’ll take some calls.

Larry: Lookin’ forward to it, bros! And broette…

Sammy: Ladies and gents, we’ll be right back after this message from our sponsor.

 *Soothing piano music* *relaxing mellow Ron Burgundy type voice*

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 (Welcome to 660 theme plays)

Sammy: You’re back with Sammy and Ben and we got a special treat for you tonight. Our very own Ben Arnold is with Emily Potter at the King Fall’s Public Library interviewing Dan and Larry from the astounding popular hit TV show Mission Apparition.

Larry: Sunday nights at 8 on Spook TV! Channel 13.

Sammy: Dan, Larry, now, you gentleman have one of the top TV programs in the nation, and I’d venture to say that you’ve seen probably everything one could imagine. What would you say is the craziest thing you’ve seen?

Larry: Ooo, Sammy! This one time up in –

Dan: You know, we don’t ever say that things are “crazy” in our line of work, Sammy. We are dealing with souls that don’t know where they are or why they are here. Astral Projections trapped in a physical world. Lost, scared…crazy is not part of the equation.

Ben: So, on your show –

Larry and Dan: Mission Apparition

Ben: Right. Uh, well, the show oddly gets massive ratings. There’s a lot of detractors -critics - and viewers saying there isn’t really any signs behind your work and that basically you guys are just...well, uh, shysters.

Dan: Oh, yeah, right…shysters. Like ol’ Sammy up in the studio, right?

Sammy: Ya know, I didn’t really write –

Ben: SAMMY. Let the guests answer… please.

Larry: The show speaks for itself, ya know, Ben? Dan and I share love for the paranormal world and we just wanna know about these lost souls and what we can do to get them back where they belong.

Dan: Larry, you eloquent son of a (censored). I just teared a little in my tear hole.

Emily: Aww. I love that you two take your jobs so seriously.

Ben: *clears throat in annoyance*

Sammy: Would you guys be cool taking some phone calls?

Dan: We absolutely love speaking with our fans. Bring it on, Benedict Samuel.

Ben: Sorry, Sammy…

Sammy: Uh-huh…

Ben: Give us a call here, folks. And speak with “world renowned paranormal experts” *chuckles* Um, sorry. Dan and Larry from Mission Apparition. 424-279-3858

Sammy: Or you can tweet us @KingFallsAM and we’ll pass on your questions and comments.

Dan: *whispering* What’s that perfume you’re wearing? It’s exquisite.

Emily: Oh, do you like it? It’s Clin-

Ben: EXPENSIVE. Someone who must really care for her must’ve gotten that for her birthday after she said “Hey, that’s too much for a bottle of perfume, BEN” but they did it anyway because she means that much and MORE to them.

Dan: It’s nice…

Ben: YEAH. OHHH, IT’S NICE.

Sammy: Okay. So the phone lines are lighting up. Let’s give Lucky Line 1 a try. Good evening you’re on with Mission Apparition.

Caller: Oh yeah, baby, I’m just lovin the show, boys. All them spooks.

Dan and Ben: Apparitions.

Sammy: And who are we speaking with?

Caller: Oh yeah. This is Doyle. Doyle Bevens. How you doin’ Sammy?

Sammy: Real well, Doyle.

Doyle: How y’all doin this evening, Mission Apparition?

Dan: Doing just fine, sir. Do…you have a question for us?

Doyle: You better believe it. So, I live up the street on ol’ Hollybrook-

Larry: We’re not from here… so, I’m not exactly sure where Hollybrook is –

Doyle: Can I finish, Larry? Can I finish?

Sammy: Let’s stay on topic, Doyle. So, do you have a question for the team?

Doyle: 10-4, Shotgun. So, I got this apartment up the ways, right?

Dan: We’re following, Doyle.

Doyle: Sometimes, late at night, I get this real hungry feeling rumbling around in my tummy even though I’ve already eaten, right? So, I go pre-heat my little toaster oven-

Ben: DOYLE. COME ON, MAN.

Doyle: Then WAPPA-DOPPA! That thing will snap right shut up on me. Just a growling *makes growling noises* and it won’t open up for the life of me. Just got my hot-pocket stuck in there like it’s in a toaster over purgatory, fellas.

Sammy: Is it the craziest th-

Doyle: Craziest thing you ever saw, boys.

Ben…Can we take another caller, Sammy?

Dan: Uh, excuse me – it was Doyle, correct?

Doyle: You got it, boss man.

Dan: Are you saying that your toaster is experiencing a haunting?

Doyle: *chuckles* Oh, don’t you know it.

Dan: You know, Doyle, it’s not uncommon in our line of work to see this. *cheesy sentimental music starts playing* When you look at the toaster oven, how does it make you feel?

Doyle: It makes me sad, brah. Trappin up like that… I just wanna work with it. Make some goodies. Teamwork. Universal harmony, brahs.

Dan: Next time one of these late-night experiences happen, look at it. I mean, really look at the toaster and say these simple words, “I forgive you… you can go home now”

Doyle: That is heart wrentchin’, Danny Boy.

Dan: I believe you’re gonna see a world of difference.

Sammy: Thanks for the call, Doyle.

Ben: If anyone has any other… I don’t know, REAL things that happen with spirits…give us a call.

Dan: Don’t downplay it, Ben. You can’t be too careful. You should be thankful it’s not your toaster.

Sammy: Line 4 you’re on King Falls AM.

Troy: Hey, Sammy. Ben. Emily. Dan. Larry….

Sammy: Hey, Troy… how ya holding up, buddy?

Troy: I’m okay… just wanted to call in and tell Dan and Larry I’m a big fan.

Ben: You off duty, Troy?

Troy: YEAH, BEN. I’m off duty.

Ben: I, uh, was asking because I’m worried about what the mayor said. N-not to rub your nose in it, man.

Troy: I’m sorry, Ben. I…I’m just touchy like my great Uncle Herb.

Sammy: We’re really sorry about the mess we put you in, Troy.

Troy: Shucks, it ain’t nothin’ on you, fellas. I just need to be more responsible with my time while I’m an officer of the law. Says Sherriff Gunderson and newly introduced municipal code 4.02.051.

Sammy: You know what, we’ll talk real soon, Troy. We do have Dan and Larry here if you’d like to –

Troy: Just a big fan of you, boys. Mission Apparition is can’t miss in the Krieghauser household.

Dan: We appreciate it, Deputy.

Larry: Yeah, man. Thanks for watching the show!

Troy: Keep on doin good work, guys. Sammy. Ben. I’ll talk at ya soon.

Ben: Bye, Troy…

Troy: Bye, Ben…

Sammy: Thanks for the call, Troy. Take care. Line 10 you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Greg: Hey, Sammy! It’s Greg Frickard!

Sammy: Hey, Greg. Nice hearing from you. Are you a big fan of Dan and Larry’s show?

Greg: … Yeeeah, uh, not really, no. Granny doesn’t like the jump scares at her age so I don’t get a lot of time to watch the ol’ boob tube to myself. I was actually calling to see if I could speak to Emily? If that’s okay?

Ben: We, uh, w-we got a bad connection. Sammy, you-you’re breaking up I can’t, uh, hardly hear-

Emily: I’m here! How are you doing, Greg?

Ben: You serious, Greg??

Greg: Well, hey! Hi, Emily! I’m a big fan of your work.

Dan: Uh, sir? Are you talking to Emily or Mission Apparition?

Greg: I’m speaking to Miss Potter, slimer. Do you mind?

Ben: *through gritted teeth* Can we please stay on topic or go to another call. Sammy?

Emily: Ben, it’s alright… did you say you were a big fan?

Greg: Oh, yeah! I really think you’re doing some…amazing things. I – uh – down at the library! The, uh, the reference section re-shelving? Really makes the back area of the 2nd floor POP.

Emily: You think so? I didn’t think anybody noticed!

Greg: Oh. Oh I noticed. It’s really nice.

Sammy: Greg, we appreciate you calling in, but the Mission Apparition guys are about to do a little investigation down at the library themselves.

Ben: And not the hiding behind the Encyclopedia Britannica kind, Greg.

Greg: Oh, sure thing, Sammy. Could you just give me one second before you cut me off?  

Ben: AHEM

Sammy: Um, sure.

Emily: What’s on your mind, Greg?

Greg: Emily? I’ve been studying you from afar for… well, longer than I’d like to admit.

Emily: Oh…okay. Thank you?

Ben: *more excessive throat clearing*

Greg: And I know you’re pretty good friends with Ben there, but… I’ll be honest… I’d really like a chance to court you myself. Ben said you two were only pals…

Emily: You know, Greg, you sound like a really nice guy. And I’ve actually been down to Granny Frickards.

Greg: Oh, man… I’m happy to hear that! And I am a nice guy!

Dan: Uh, guys? I’m so sorry to break up the love fest that’s happening here, but is Ben okay?

Ben: *additional angry throat noises*

Greg: I’m just putting it all out there, Emily. And I don’t need an answer now, but I just think you’re the most beautiful thing in all of King Falls, and I would regret it for all of my days if I didn’t do my darndest to tell you how I feel.

Emily: Oh, wow. That’s, uh, really sweet, Greg. I think maybe that’s something we can *strange sudden loud noise* *Emily gasps*

Larry: It’s got him! HOLY (censored) IT’S GOT HIM

*sounds of book shelves rattling*

Ben: *gasping like he’s being strangled*

Emily: OH MY, GOD! BEN!

Sammy: Is everything okay, guys? BEN?!

Greg: You tell me, Sammy – yeesh. A man staples his heart to his sleeve and all I hear about is –

Sammy: GREG! We’re gonna have to talk to you later. We got a situation, it seems.

Greg: *quickly* I LOVE YOU EMILY *line disconnects*

Emily: Somebody help me! Do something!

*sounds of Ben struggling*

Sammy: GUYS. WHAT IS GOING ON?

Emily: PUT HIM DOWN! Right now! I MEAN IT!

Dan: Yes! Do what she says! You magnificent ethereal being!

Larry: Sammy, it’s Larry. You gotta call your deputy buddy! It’s getting crazy here. That phantom! It’s choking Ben!

*More sounds of Ben struggling*

Sammy: I-okay-I’m sorry. What was that again? I thought I heard-

Larry: Some sort of see-through being is choking your buddy Ben! Then he picked him ten feet in the air and-and I can’t watch! It’s too much!

Dan: You put that man down this instant, John Wilkes Booth!

Sammy: Okay, did somebody just say John Wilkes Booth?!

Ben: *struggling* YOU. RACIST.

Larry: He- he’s gonna throw Ben!

Emily: Sammy! Please call Deputy Troy!

Larry: He got loose! Ben got loose!

*more chaotic sounds - book shelves rattling – fire crackling*

Ben: What the (censored) is going on here?!

Sammy: Ben! Are you okay?! What –

Ben: Larry! Get the doors open! We gotta get out of here!

Emily: Ben? I was so scared… Are you okay?

Ben: I- I’m okay. We gotta get out of the library! (censored) is hitting the fan, Sammy! I was pacing back away from the group and that mustachioed son of a (censored) grabbed me!

Sammy: Ben, please be careful. I just texted Troy. I think he’s heading up there right now. You don’t have to stay on the air! Get out of there!

Dan: 4 scores and a 5 dollar bill, that’s Abraham Lincoln!

Sammy: What?!

Larry: President Abe Lincoln has got a big ass gun! We gotta go, Dan!

Ben: Emily! Stay down! President Lincoln has a-a-a ghost Gatling gun, man! I think he’s about to blow Booth to hell and back!

Larry: Oh (censored) yeah that’s a Gatling gun. The doors open, Dan! You gotta get the hell away from there! MOVE YOUR ASS. LET’S BOOT.

Dan: Larry, get back here right now! We gotta film this! Larry, grab the camera!

*more chaotic noises*

Ben: Emily, let’s go. Sammy, we gotta split. I don’t know how ghost bullets work, but I don’t wanna stick around to find out.

Sammy: Get outta there, Ben! Be careful!

Dan: No, no, no – wait, wait, wait! Don’t shoot, Mr. President! The camera isn’t on yet! Mr. President, we are on the same page here! This guy shot you in a theater- you should be angry! You should be furious! This Gatling gun should be going! On your mark – no, no, no, no, no! Go back! Go back! Mr. President, we aren’t rolling yet, we aren’t rolling! No!!!!!!

President Lincoln: John Wilkes Booth! Four score and a cap in your ass! *sounds of gunfire*