#early childhood trauma

[fosterwhat]

My home reopened for foster care last Friday, and a couple hours later a new kiddo was here.

We’ll call him Kai.

Kai is 3 years old. An emergency removal. He came dressed in girl’s clothing (I guess all the office had on hand). DCFS had grabbed one of their pre-packed bags — it had size 7/8 clothing. Girl leaning again. Kai is a peanut, he fits into size 18 month at age 3. So, you can imagine that size 7/8 was a no go.

I was told he was non-verbal and autistic, but he walked into my home said “hello, Mommy” and proceeded to talk my ear off for the next three days.

He declared our puppy “cute, but a little crazy,” which is honestly spot on. Though I will say my dog stayed so very patient, given that Kai hit him suddenly out of nowhere.

So much trauma, so many injuries that the child abuse doctors missed (drives me crazy, treating and documenting that is their only job).

I stressed to everyone who would listen that he is not autistic, that it’s just early childhood trauma, that there is so much potential there. (Autistic kids have tons of potential too, but a lot of people sadly find it harder to see, and if you’re not willing to accept an autistic child that’s sad but reality, and getting mislabeled helps no one). He reminded me of Felix, a lot. He was a lot. But also within days I had him on a routine and understanding basic rules. But he also likes to elope and screech and has never had any type of schedule. It’s hard to describe unless you’ve loved* it. Those of you who are foster parents probably know exactly what I mean. A three year old who fell through the cracks.

*this was supposed to say “lived” but autocorrected to love. And I’m leaving it, because maybe that’s what I really mean. That you don’t really get it, the combination of the hard and the potential, until you’ve loved a kid like that

[catherinetheprincessofwales]

15 November 2023: The Princess of Wales arrives for the Shaping Us National Symposium at the Design Museum, London. The Princess has convened experts from 21 countries to consider how we “grow, think and behave throughout life” to build resilience in early childhood.

[spookietrex]

A dysregulated adult cannot regulate a dysregulated child, but a regulated adult can regulate a dysregulated child.

Start by centering yourself.

[mlynnunplugged]

All That Exists

It all starts with a man, but not just a man: a father. He’s laughing in the kitchen with his three daughters nipping at his heels. All that exists is this moment. All that exists are their smiles, their laughter. He is their world and they are his.

The moment passes, the laughter broken by the sounds of shattered glass. Young screams curl through the air. A masked figure enters, threatens to remove him from the frame. Someone has come to take Father’s world from him.

A fight ensues, unbalanced in every way. The intruder never stood a chance. They drew their final breath as soon as the threat was posed. Father kneels beside the would-be thief, slowly peels away the mask.

It all starts with a man, but it ends with a woman. Not just any woman: a mother. He’s mourning at her side as the weight of his actions finds him, grounds him, and anchors him to this moment. All that exists is this moment. All that exists is the blood streaking his former wife’s beautiful face, puddled around her body, soaking the floor. She was his world.

He spends the rest of his life rooted in that moment, the entire hour of it that remained. Tears staining his cheeks. Steel between his teeth. A bullet to the root of his skull.

All that exists is this moment.

[patrick-jennings]

Risen

The grasses and shrubs bow and flutter On a windswept fen Long Range Mountains leap from the plain Testament to the crushing power of colliding continents And I am reminded Of a small boy Heart rent through and through By harsh words and hard gestures

The grasses and shrubs bow and flutterOn a windswept fenLong Range Mountains leap from the plainTestament to the crushing power of colliding continents And I am remindedOf a small boyHeart rent through and throughBy harsh words and hard gestures It’s alright, boyYou bent like the grassAnd rose up like the mountainsThere is no small beauty in that Continue reading Untitled

[cryptidwithaninternetconnection]

Yknow, if you were a young girl in the early 2000s you know the feeling of having crazy scalp strength from getting your hair both violently brushed and French braided by your mom, also with this knowledge you can mock your brothers (if any) for having weak ass scalps (mocking my brother for verbally saying ”ow!” While he’s getting his hair French braided by our mom)

[woodsfae]

😳 if this is true then my first bouts of suicidal ideation happened before I was six. hm. genuinely don't know what to do with this knowledge. this is gonna take 6-10 business days minimum to process 🤪

from the comments on this post, which has introduced me to the concept of Shit Life Syndrome with which I resonate to a ridiculous degree

[system-of-a-feather]

Since I was reviewing anyways I went back to grab the resource section of the classes for those interested in resources and literature on early childhood / infant trauma

Since I'm actually looking closer at these papers I might actually go ahead and read some of the more interesting ones directly, highlighting ones that seem interesting cause I MIGHT actually read and chat about it on here cause I'm currently waiting for the unit I'm supposed to work on to open and technically dont "have to" do more studying or what not but I also feel weird getting paid to do nothing so... I might say "hey yeah I finished all the mandatory trainings plus like 15 hrs of optional ones I just started reading research papers haha" /hj

@indigochromatic @seasidewanderers

General Resources

ACE Study Questionnaire -http://www.ncjfcj.org/sites/default/files/Finding%20Your%20ACE%20Score.pdf(opens in a new tab)

CDC’s Developmental Milestones - https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/index.html(opens in a new tab)

National Child Traumatic Stress Network - https://www.nctsn.org/(opens in a new tab)

Trauma Resources for Families - https://www.aap.org/en/patient-care/trauma-informed-care/resources-for-families/(opens in a new tab)

Zero to Three - https://www.zerotothree.org/(opens in a new tab)

Child Abuse and Mandatory Reporting Laws - Mandatory Reporting of Child Abuse and Neglect https://cwig-prod-prod-drupal-s3fs-us-east-1.s3.amazonaws.com/public/documents/manda.pdf?VersionId=Gm9t7CW5XdPolnEMHHR3wCnsw782WZQ1(opens in a new tab)

State Child Abuse Laws https://www.findlaw.com/state/family-laws/child-abuse.html(opens in a new tab)

References

American Psychological Association. (2023). What is child abuse and neglect? Understanding the warning signs and getting help. https://www.apa.org/topics/children/abuse-neglect-resources

Bartlett, J., & Steber, K. (2019). How to implement trauma-informed care to build resilience to childhood trauma. Child Trends. https://www.childtrends.org/publications/how-to-implement-trauma-informed-care-to-build-resilience-to-childhood-trauma#_ftn40

Barnett, E. R., & Hamblen, J. (2022). Trauma, PTSD, and attachment in infants and young children. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs: National Center for PTSD. https://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/treat/specific/attachment_child.asp

Campbell, K. A. (2022). The neurobiology of childhood trauma, from early physical pain onwards: As relevant as ever in today’s fractured world. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 13(2), 1–14. https://doi.org/10.1080/20008066.2022.2131969

Canale, C. A., Hayes, A. M., Yasinski, C., Grasso, D. J., Webb, C., & Deblinger, E. (2022). Caregiver behaviors and child distress in trauma narration and processing sessions of trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT). Behavior therapy, 53(1), 64–79. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2021.06.001

Choi, K. R., Records, K., Low, L. K., Alhusen, J. L., Kenner, C., Bloch, J. R., Premji, S. S., Hannan, J., Anderson, C. M., Yeo, S., & Cynthia Logsdon, M. (2020). Promotion of maternal-infant mental health and trauma-informed care during the COVID-19 pandemic. Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic, and Neonatal Nursing, 49(5), 409–415. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jogn.2020.07.004

Clark, C.A., Nadeem, E. Caregiver Factors in Children’s Trauma Treatment: A Review of the Literature. (2023). Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal, 40, 773–786. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10560-021-00812-6

Cole, P., Trexberg, K., & Schaffner, M. (2023). State of babies yearbook 2023. https://zerotothree.wpenginepowered.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/SOBY2023_Yearbook_Full_v4.pdf

Cruz, D., Lichten, M., Berg, K., & George, P. (2022). Developmental trauma: Conceptual framework, associated risks and comorbidities, and evaluation and treatment. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 13, 800687. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2022.800687

Cudzik, M., Soroka, E., & Olajossy, M. (2019). Dissociative identity disorder as a wide range of defense mechanisms in children with a history of early childhood trauma. Current Problems of Psychiatry, 20(2), 117–129. https://doi.org/10.2478/cpp-2019-0006

Evans, K. E., Schmidt-Sane, M. M., Bender, A. E., Berg, K. A., & Holmes, M. R. (2022). Children’s exposure to intimate partner violence and acceptance or appraisals of IPV: A systematic review. Journal of Family Violence, 37(3), 1301–1319. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-021-00318-w

Fennig, M., & Denov, M. (2021). Interpreters working in mental health settings with refugees: An interdisciplinary scoping review. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 91(1), 50–65. https://doi.org/10.1037/ort0000518.supp (Supplemental)

Forkey, H., Szilagyi, M., Kelly, E. T., Duffee, J., The Council on Foster Care, Adoption, and Kinship Care, Council on Community Pediatrics, Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, & Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health. (2021). Trauma-informed care. Pediatrics, 148(2), e2021052580. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2021-052580

Fredrickson, R. (2019). Trauma-informed care for infant and early childhood abuse. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 28(4), 389–406. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926771.2019.1601143

Healthcare Toolbox. (n.d.). Pediatric medical traumatic stress: What is culturally-sensitive trauma-informed pediatric care? Retrieved January 18, 2024, from https://www.healthcaretoolbox.org/cultural-considerations.

Huang, C. X., Halfon, N., Sastry, N., Chung, P. J., & Schickedanz, A. (2023). Positive childhood experiences and adult health outcomes. Pediatrics, 152(1), e2022060951. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2022-060951

Hung K. L. (2020). Pediatric abusive head trauma. Biomedical Journal, 43(3), 240–250. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bj.2020.03.008

Irfan, N., Nair, A., Bhaskaran, J., Akter, M., & Watts, T. (2022). Review of the current knowledge of reactive attachment disorder. Cureus, 14(11), e31318. https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.31318

Lahousen, T., Unterrainer, H. F., & Kapfhammer, H. P. (2019). Psychobiology of attachment and trauma-some general remarks from a clinical perspective. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 10, 914. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00914

Lekas, H. M., Pahl, K., & Fuller Lewis, C. (2020). Rethinking cultural competence: Shifting to cultural humility. Health services insights, 13, 1178632920970580.

Loveday, S., Hall, T., Constable, L., Paton, K., Sanci, L., Goldfeld, S., & Hiscock, H. (2022). Screening for adverse childhood experiences in children: A systematic review. Pediatrics, 149(2), e2021051884. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2021-051884

McGuire, A., Steele, R. G., & Singh, M. N. (2021). Systematic review on the application of trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (tf-cbt) for preschool-aged children. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 24(1), 20–37. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-020-00334-0

Naeem, N., Zanca, R. M., Weinstein, S., Urquieta, A., Sosa, A., Yu, B., & Sullivan, R. M. (2022). The neurobiology of infant attachment-trauma and disruption of parent-infant interactions. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 16, 882464. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2022.882464

National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (n.d.a). Screening and Assessment: Screening and Assessment Within Multiple Systems. Retrieved January 8, 2024, from https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/early-childhood-trauma/screening-and-assessment

National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (n.d.b). Trauma-informed care. Retrieved January 8, 2024, from https://www.nctsn.org/trauma-informed-care

National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (n.d.c). Resilience and child traumatic stress. Retrieved January 16, 2024, from https://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/resources/resilience_and_child_traumatic_stress.pdf

Parker, M. M., Hergenrather, K., Smelser, Q., & Kelly, C. T. (2021). Exploring child-centered play therapy and trauma: A systematic review of literature. International Journal of Play Therapy, 30(1), 2-13. https://doi.org/10.1037/pla0000136

Ryan, K., Lane, S. J., & Powers, D. (2017). A multidisciplinary model for treating complex trauma in early childhood. International Journal of Play Therapy, 26(2), 111.

Sleed, M., Slade, A., & Fonagy, P. (2020). Reflective Functioning on the Parent Development Interview: Validity and reliability in relation to socio-demographic factors. Attachment & Human Development, 22(3), 310-331.

Zero to Three. (2023). Safe babies. https://www.zerotothree.org/our-work/safebabies

Vanderzee, K. L., Sigel, B. A., Pemberton, J. R., & John, S. G. (2019). Treatments for Early Childhood Trauma: Decision Considerations for Clinicians. Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma, 12(4), 515–528. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40653-018-0244-6

Vess, S. F., & Campbell, J. M. (2022). Parent–child interaction therapy (PCIT) with families of children with autism spectrum disorder. Autism & Developmental Language Impairments, 7. https://doi.org/10.1177/23969415221140707

Vizard, E., Gray, J., & Bentovim, A. (2022). The impact of child maltreatment on the mental and physical health of child victims: a review of the evidence. BJPsych Advances, 28(1), 60-70. https://doi.org/10.1192/bja.2021.10

Woolgar, F., Garfield, H., Dalgleish, T., & Meiser-Stedman, R. (2022). Systematic review and meta-analysis: Prevalence of posttraumatic stress disorder in trauma-exposed preschool-aged children. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 61(3), 366-377. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2021.05.026

Zero to Three. (2016). Diagnostic classification of mental health and developmental disorders of infancy and early childhood: DC: 0-5. Zero to Three the National Center. https://www.zerotothree.org/our-work/learn-professional-development/dc0-5-manual-and-training/

Interesting (and unsurprising, anecdotally) study about autism increasing predisposition for PTSD/increasing sensitivity to adverse events: https://neurosciencenews.com/asd-ptsd-neuroscience-26067/

(We haven't read the full academic paper yet, but the summary is neat). Seems potentially relevant to dissociative system stuff as well--like, we know that CPTSD can also be caused by "death by a thousand papercuts"-type trauma (where any individual incident "wasn't so bad" but cumulatively it builds up), but/and adding this on top of that suggests that the "threshold of adverse-ness" for events that could lead to posttraumatic reactions like PTSD and dissociative disorders could be quite a lot lower than generally thought, especially for (apparently, according to this study) autistic populations, which may (and this is speculation) also be true for related types of neurodivergence like ADHD and schizophrenia etc.

Also, as far as we're aware (feel free to correct us/chime in/etc), intentional and non-intentional endogenic plurality tends to be more likely to happen for folks who have higher-than-average predispositions for dissociation, even if they don't have a dissociative disorder, and it might be that this sensitivity to adverse events could lead to overall higher baseline dissociation in ways that "encourage" plurality to arise. Thoughts?

[starfruitslush]

i’m so proud of you! 🍨

[fosterwhat]

We had parent/teacher conferences tonight and I continue to be concerned about Felix.

I thought he’d been doing okay the past few weeks but it turns out the school just hadn’t shared any of the incidents with me. There were two this week alone (it’s Wednesday). I have asked so many times for communication. Sent emails about it and had meetings about it. And I still get nothing. I’ve stressed that I need the information to work with his therapeutic team. That I need the info so I can back up the school at home and work to improve behaviors. Nothing. They don’t even bother telling me that he’s missed two hours of class, broken objects, self-harmed, etc. Do they think he’s going to tell me? I don’t get it.

And then I asked them if they were administering his as-needed medication when he’s dysregulated. They are not. The principal thinks it’s not necessary because “they can handle him”. Okay, but the medication is prescribed. And you may be comfortable with him missing hours of class time because he’s raging, but if you just gave the medication he would be missing 15 minutes of class, or maybe none at all. Frankly, I don’t care what you think you can handle, I care what my child can handle. I care what our family can handle. Don’t send home an exhausted irritated traumatized child because you refuse to give him a prescribed pill.

Add insult to injury and they are still not following his IEP. I have met with them three times this year. Every meeting they accuse him of lying. But I absolutely know he’s right, he’s not getting the IEP services, because if he was the above wouldn’t be happening to the degree it is. I know the term gaslighting is overused, but I think that’s where we are now. His school is gaslighting us, and it’s hurting everyone.

[klanced]

this is why i never read voltron fanfic 💀

[astrolotte]

Truth be told I kinda like the idea that the shitty things Cosmo & Wanda did in the original FOP (awful arguing, being irresponsible with Poof, etc) are all still canon in some way. Probably not everything, but the basics at the very least.

It makes the overarching story of the franchise more interesting. Why did they end up changing, for example? Was Timmy really that bad? Did the 50 extra years take a toll on them? Did they realize they were creating a bad environment for their son and decide to fix it?

And speaking of their son, it ends up shining a new light on Dev and his dynamic. All Dev sees is the current positive relationship, something that he desperately wants, but if everything from the OG is canon, then it wasn't always that way. His parents hated each other, he was constantly being mishandled, he was sent off to a boarding school at less than a year old... also dropped in the Grand Canyon once.

Dev thinks Peri has the perfect life compared to him, but... hoo that's a lot of early childhood trauma.

It'd probably be a bit difficult to properly implement with the full respect it would need, but... well, I doubt that'll end up canon in the show, 'cause that's a bit heavy for the age range. I'll save it for my imagination instead :P

[yorya1-0]

So, I drew another thing. Xena and Gabrielle after their little trip to Illusia.

[animangalover-writes]

Forever disappointed we don't get more information on Jonah Magnus early life. I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

[furiousgoldfish]

I was reading a book named "Better late than early", which is about evidence showing that it's beneficial for children to be sent to school (including preschool) at the age of 8, rather than 5, 6 or 7. The premise is that the kids don't yet develop enough security, confidence and thinking skills to cope with a competitive and overstimulating learning environment.

In that book, they're answering the questions of 'what is best for the kids then, how should one approach raising a child so the child does well later on', and the answer that is that the child is to be engaged with, with warmth, curiosity, encouragement, care. They even explain that you don't have to be incredibly educated or efficient in child-raising, as long as you show kindness, answer the child's questions, show a little curiosity in them and give them some positive attention, the child will thrive in contrast to not getting any attention and being isolated and neglected.

They made a study comparing orphaned children who were put in an educational institution to be cared by the educators, with orphaned children who were given one-on-one attention and care; the children given personal attention turned out to thrive significantly better, while the first group struggled to complete even the basic of their education.

They also noted that children who are sent to school early can perceive it as rejection from their parents - and the book confirms that in many cases, they are right. Parents are choosing their own freedom and time over care for their children, and sending them to school early just to get out of having to care for them at home. I knew I was right when I figured I was being sent to school early because I was resented at home.

It seems that the most vital part of raising a child is giving them attention and care, and children who do not receive that support are at a major disadvantage over the children who do, and it's out of children's control what they get. It made me burn inside to know this, because the first thing abusive parents take away from us is the engagement, attention, warmth and kindness. Even with children who do get engagement from their abusive parents, it's all for the parent's sake, children are forced to focus on what the parent needs from them, and not the reverse. Children are forced to give attention, rather than to receive it.

If you've been brought up in an abusive home, it's likely that the attention you got was just to inform you that nobody cares and that you are too old to want attention. Kindness was taken away and you were told that 'tough love' was better for you, you would end up spoiled if you received kindness. Warmth, curiosity and engagement, were limited resources that you were able to get precious little of, if any, and only when your abuser was 'in a good mood'. You weren't supposed to consider yourself important enough to get one-on-one attention, or to have someone engage with you and give answers to all of your questions, reactions to all of your efforts.

it wasn't supposed to be like that. Children don't thrive on neglect or cruelty. Being engaged with and given attention is necessary, even vital for us to be able to grow up healthy, to complete our education and to find our way in the world. They lied to us about everything. They took what they wanted from us and neglected to give us childhoods. This isn't normal. We weren't supposed to be treated like we were disposable. We needed attention just like all the other kids. We deserved it just the same.

[thetomorrowshow]

Whumptober Day 15 - Childhood Trauma

title: should i then presume?

fandom: hermitcraft smp

~

Cub has always worked quietly. Even as a kid—he’d always been the sort to hide in his room and work for hours, tinkering away at a redstone kit or reading or building with Legos. He found that in that quiet, he could get all sorts of things done.

He’s never liked being loud. It was always his parents that were loud, growing up. When he was loud, he was in trouble.

So he stays quiet. He stays quiet and works on his projects, and he ducks away from praise and just works.

It’s . . . when Scar decides to be his friend, it’s weird.

Cub’s had friends. Here and there in school, people who invited him to sit with them at lunch, robotics club members who told him about their weekends. Not much in the way of friends at college. Then, after joining Hermitcraft, he began to think of the Hermits as friends. Technically, Scar had been his friend before he decided to, just by nature of being a Hermit.

Scar doesn’t leave him when the work for the day is over, though, like most friends. He wants to spend extra time with Cub, he has questions and stories, he invites him places and seems to enjoy hanging out.

Cub can’t figure out why. He doesn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, though.

Nobody has ever sought out his company. He thinks, at first, that Scar must be a loner like him, but when they hang out with other Hermits, Scar’s the life of the party. He gets along with every other Hermit, full of jokes and laughing, loud and attention-attracting.

It makes Cub nervous. He doesn’t say that to Scar, of course—he’d always been jealous of the people who felt comfortable enough to express themselves like that, and he would never want to make Scar feel less so. Just because being loud scares Cub doesn’t mean he needs to demand that everyone else conforms to that.

It still catches him off-guard, of course, but he can get used to it. Doc has sung far too many overly loud drinking songs for him to jump at someone shouting.

Which is good, because Scar shouts all the time. When he’s surprised, or scared, or excited, or trying to talk over someone, or all the moments in between. It takes some getting used to. So when Scar bursts into loud speech, one day, staring at Cub’s simple machine, Cub carefully doesn’t jump.

“Cub, how do you come up with these things?”

Cub’s shoulders shoot up to his ears. Usually when he’s asked that kind of question, it’s with exasperation. It isn’t even anything that unique or odd, all he’s built is a redstone counter, so there’s no reason for Scar to be upset.

“I could never!” Scar continues, and Cub forces himself to relax. It’s just Scar laying the charm on overly thick. “I can’t even think straight when it comes to redstone! But you make it look so easy!”

Oh.

“Well, yeah,” Cub says awkwardly. He isn’t sure how to respond.

Scar turns a smile toward him, excited and bright. “Really, it’s incredible! Cub, we make an excellent partnership.”

Cub shrugs off the compliment, turning away. “Yeah.”

But he doesn’t forget it.

He carries that little compliment with him; he remembers that Scar is generous with compliments. The next time he constructs something of redstone, he makes sure to show Scar, shoulders tense and body bracing for the derision that doesn’t come. Scar compliments him again, even more extravagantly, and Cub almost drowns in the intense feeling of being recognized.

It becomes a pattern. Accidentally. Cub doesn’t even notice that he’s doing it until pretty far along—he’s even started creating with a little bit of anxiety, hoping that this next machine will be up to Scar’s standards.

The praise feels good (because of course, Scar always praises him). But Cub does miss how it used to be—how he used to just make things for himself, and himself only. He misses knowing that there wouldn’t be any response. The feeling of empty satisfaction had sustained him for years, and it was so much easier to deal with than the overly-warm stress he experiences now.

When he was really little, he would try to show his parents his work all the time—only for them to pick it apart and point out all the ways it wasn’t perfect. He’d stopped, eventually. When it became too painful. He’d stopped, and he’d kept it to himself.

The only person to see and judge his work. If something wasn’t exactly the way he wanted it to be, that was fine. He could try again a different day, no harm done. There was no pressure to perform.

Now though, every time he shows Scar something, he can feel his own eyes scanning the project, seeing all its imperfections and the countless ways it could be better.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t work that well,” Cub says, deflecting whatever nice thing Scar had said.

“Eh, it isn’t pretty.”

“It could be better, though.”

“I should’ve upped the tick.”

“I should’ve added more hoppers.”

“I’m not a builder, it isn’t good.”

“It isn’t easy enough.”

“It isn’t good enough yet.”

Scar never says anything to these comments, and Cub grows certain that it’s because he silently agrees. He’s just too polite to say anything.

He still shows them to Scar. Every time. Waiting, just waiting for Scar to tell him exactly what he can fix. Begging for criticism without making a noise, wincing at the compliments and dreading the moment that Scar becomes harsh, pointing out every measure of Cub’s inadequacy.

Scar never says anything bad. In fact, he says nicer and nicer things, and Cub feels his heart close off more and more.

He needs to go back to his room. His tiny bedroom in his childhood home, where he could build with Legos on the threadbare carpet and ignore the yelling of his parents downstairs. The time when he could build whatever he wanted and know that it was just for him, and he could destroy it and build something else if he didn’t like it without any expectations.

He wishes Scar would just tell him the truth. If he would do that, then Cub could feel justified in never showing him a thing again. Never showing anyone anything.

It never happens, and then they don’t work together in Season Seven, and Cub goes back to being alone.

Like he wanted.

Right?

But. . . .

Now that he’s finally free of it, there’s a hole in his heart that used to be over-full with Scar’s compliments. It was so warm, too warm and he couldn’t stand it, but now that it isn’t there, he just feels cold.

He’s felt that way his whole life, but it’s different now, because he’s had the warmth and he wants it back, in some odd way. The coldness aches in his chest, the frost burning worse than the warmth ever had, which doesn’t make sense because he knows the cold. He always has.

It would be easier if he could make up his mind about what he wants.

It would be easier if Scar would just let him down.

That doesn’t happen, because Scar doesn’t visit his pyramid base. Nobody really does; Cub implies that he’s busy and that he’d rather not let anyone see what he’s working on, so nobody comes by to visit.

He tinkers away, day after day, creating game after game and design after design, his alone time where he makes imperfections and sets them next to the last one.

He isn’t lonely.

This is how it’s always been.

He just misses having Scar at his side, sometimes. They’d spent two seasons inseparable, so it’s weird to be here by himself with Scar out working on other not-Cub-related projects. Cub doesn’t mind. It makes things easier, because it means that Scar will never have to say anything bad about Cub’s flawed games and redstone mechanisms, about his boring pyramids, about anything, and he can destroy them like he always has.

Until Scar shows up one day.

He wants a tour, because of course he wants a tour, so Cub shows him around his base and then his arcade, dusty and untouched by anyone but the creator.

He alternates between pointing Scar toward his greatest works and his most-flawed. He can’t decide which he wants destroyed the most.

Scar, of course, has nothing bad to say. He spends the tour in awe, his monocle repeatedly falling out by how wide his eyes go. He looks all around himself and whistles and says “Cub, how have you not shown anyone all this? It’s incredible!”

He shows Scar the ugliest parts of his redstone and Scar doesn’t even comment on the mismatched materials. He shows the parts closest to his heart, more vulnerable than tearing out his own soul, and Scar gasps and tells Cub that it’s all wonderful and that he’s a top-notch builder and even takes notes. He takes notes on building, as if he, Scar, needs them, and that might be what pushes tears to Cub’s eyes.

“It’s not perfect,” Cub says almost desperately. “It’s not that good, even.”

Scar waves him off. “Nothing’s perfect, that’s just life! But it’s really impressive—can I try playing the games?”

Cub swallows around the lump in his throat. “Nobody’s played them before,” he warns, clicking on one of the arcade games. “Just me.”

Scar tilts his head, confusion painting his features. “Why? They look fun—is it okay if I play?”

The breath feels like it vanishes from his chest, but Cub nods. “Y-yeah. You can play. They’re just not very good. That’s . . . that’s why nobody’s played them.”

Scar sighs, and Cub cringes away, pretending to focus on the redstone of the game.

“Cub, you know I won’t care.”

“Yeah, but why?” Cub bursts out before he can stop himself. It’s too loud, he’s never raised his voice like that—immediately, he stands up straight, panic flooding his veins. “Sorry, forget it. Just—just, you can play it.”

Scar stares at him. Something flits across his face; what, Cub doesn’t know.

“Do you want a hug?” Scar says softly, uncertainly, and he half-raises his arms.

Scar hugs are an experience. Scar has the odd talent of creating the most comfortable-yet-uncomfortable hug, a combination of pure love and bony arms, cozy warmth and Scar’s chin digging into Cub’s shoulder.

Cub’s never minded, though, and he hasn’t had a hug from anyone in a while, so he acquiesces, leaning into the invitation, into the warmth.

Scar’s breath against Cub’s neck makes him shudder, but his hands are rubbing soothing circles on Cub’s back and—

And one of those tears slips free.

Scar makes a small noise of concern when Cub sniffs, trying to force the tears back into his eyes. “Oh, Cub. It’s okay. What happened?”

Cub doesn’t know how to explain that nothing happened. Nothing happened, but the stress of waiting for someone to notice everything wrong with him and pick it apart under a microscope has started to get to him.

“Just—just be honest,” he says, because it’s all he can stand. “Do you—my things suck.” “Hey, now—”

“Why won’t you tell me that they suck?”

Scar sounds confused. “Because . . . they don’t suck?”

That would have been everything that he wanted to hear in the past, back when Cub believed that Scar might have been telling the truth, but now he’s just tired and too high-strung to keep up the act.

“Be honest,” he chides.

“Do you want me to tell you that they’re bad?”

“Yes,” Cub says, not quite sure why he’s admitting it. “Just say it. I know you’re thinking it, just say it.”

The hum that Scar makes in his throat vibrates unpleasantly against Cub’s shoulder. “I’m not thinking it. Cub, I love the things you do!”

“But they aren’t—” Cub lets out a deep breath, squeezes Scar a little tighter. “I’m not Etho. My redstone is nothing compared to him, or Doc. I can’t build like you and Grian. I keep trying, but I—I can’t. It isn’t good enough.” “It is good enough. You aren’t Etho, or Doc, or Grian. You’re Cub.” Scar punctuates his name with a tap on his back, then continues rubbing circles. “You’re Cub, and that’s why what you do is good. Because you made it. That’s all that matters.”

“No, it isn’t.”

Scar sighs again. “It should be,” he says determinedly. “I don’t know who told you otherwise, but I love what you do because you’re my friend, and you made it, and that makes me happy. Okay?”

It isn’t.

It isn’t okay.

But Cub’s too tired to get into that right now.

Instead, he nods, lets out a breath.

Scar doesn’t let go for a long time, and Cub doesn’t try to pull away.