#child trauma

[rott3nguts]

ok to rb

[la1npilledg1rl]

[empty-solaces]

i get so fucking numb and empty feeling when people talk aabout their childhood or stories they had as kids. even the really sad shit. i cant remember almost anything from before i was 12.

i have nothing.

i was nothing.

i am nothing.

[visionaryvisual]

[coltishcaterpillar]

Unmasked / Platonic!Alastor x Teen! Daughter Reader

Chapter II: Sneaking Suspicion

Summary:

After reading over thirty-one entries, three disturbing pages are brought to light….or the darkness, depending on how Emily wants to look at it.

WARNING: This entire chapter (and probably the next one) depicts a very disturbed, traumatized, paranoid child (who is you, the reader.), who has just lost the person she loved most in the world. A HUGE deterioration in her psyche is seen here.

Look out for: Murder, Mental Illness, Paranoia, Anxiety, Delusions, Cannibalism, etc….

November 12th, 1933

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, my dear diary. Please, Jesus, please help me find my way back, I’m…I’m shaking relentlessly and the monsters at night won’t leave me alone.

My Pa….he’s not come home in three weeks. I know he will never open that door again, but I wish he would just one last time.

It started with a simple hunting trip. I saw him bringing a large trash bag over his shoulder whilst he was going out, and I just assumed it held his gun and other necessities.

A few hours later, people heard gunshots go off in the area he hunted and now he’s…..

When they opened the bag they found another mangled body….and concluded that my Papa was the serial killer terrorizing New Orleans since 1922.

No, he couldn’t have done anything of the sort. He was a good man. PAPA was a good man. He was. He is.

I read it in the papers…nobody wants to see me anymore. I’ve tried contacting everyone I knew and loved, and they told me to never set foot on their property again, they thought I was involved in this hellish situation!

Anne, James, Elbert, Carol, Mr. Devereaux, Charlotte, Martin…..EVERYBODY has abandoned me!

I wanted to desperately contact Grandma, so I wrote her a series of letters. Her caretaker wrote me a letter back that she went into shock after finding out Pa died, and she’s….well, she’s in Heaven now too.

I just turned sixteen, please. I need my Papa back….my Grandma….

I’ve been in the house surviving off of scraps. I’m afraid to leave again; I don’t want to be shot, I don’t want people coming after me because of what my Papa allegedly did. I’ve lost so much weight, I’m tired, I feel sick….

I’m not ready to be a woman, to grow up, quite yet. I grew up taking things for granted; I thought I would have my family and friends for life. How will I find a job? Will anybody take me in? Can I find a new family?

I’m still here, I’m still here, my dear friend. My beautiful…I’ve not lost my mind, not yet. I’m not crazy, am I? No, no….I’m just….going through some traumatic moments!

I’m hungry….

My stomach is hurting so bad, I’m perspiring and my toes are curled…I need more food. I’ve eaten nearly everything, I have no money to purchase anything else…

Every time it growls, there’s a new tang of pain….

Papa, you would never….you’re a good man, Pa. I love you, I’ll always love you….

Oh, it all makes sense now! Why you never wanted me to see what you brought home, why you were always out late, why you were so secretive…oh, Pa, why didn’t you tell me?! I…I would’ve….contacted the authorities.

Which is what you didn’t want.

I HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING DEMON! HOW DARE YOU BRING THIS UPON ME AND GRANDMA, I HOPE YOU ROT YOU SICK, TWISTED, SORRY EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN-

I miss your kisses and your hugs, Pa. Please….please come back. At least tell me where your grave is so I can hug your body one last time….I’ve never wanted to hear your voice more, whether it be in real life or the radios, please!

Oh my god, what are we having for dinner? I’m starving, Pa….

I have a headache, Pa….please give me some medicine to ease the pain…..

I need you, I need somebody. Anybody. Please….

I never want to see you again. If I ever see you again after this lifetime I will do everything in my power to slaughter you a second time for all the pain that you’ve caused….

I’m going to take a breather soon, my dear friend. I need to let off some steam. I’m….I just need to find an energy source. I’ll be back, I promise.

——————————————

November 13th, 1933

Oh, I’ve found something to eat, finally. It didn’t taste as terribly as I thought, and in fact, it tasted similar to how you cooked our meat, Pa. So tender….so, so, tender…..

The gangster didn’t even see it coming. I don’t think he liked me, he was looking at me like I did something wrong. I hushed him, hushed him well, and said,

“No, no, sir. Why are you giving me that look?? I’m only hungry! I’m just trying to survive! Please don’t let me starve!”

I hated that gaze. That look on his face made me feel like a monster, like I wasn’t justified in my action to cut him into tiny little pieces-

Pa, it’s just like you used to make. I never knew how…similar the meat tasted until now. Why did you do that? To so many innocent people….this man was not innocent, Pa. He was part of a cartel, I was doing this world a favour!

I feel better, I think. My stomach feels more satisfied than it has in days.

I don’t feel any better, though. I just…I just ate somebody….

I don’t know what to do! How is….how is his family going to react when they find this out?! I….I caused him pain, so much pain….

But I need more. I want to live….I have so much goodness to offer to the world, I promise I can be better! I’m not usually like this! I promise to make you proud! To make everybody proud…like I’ve always tried to do!

I know how much I was lacking in performance, I’ve never been cut out for the big leagues, but I am positive I can amount to something! If this world will give me a chance, I’ll be the best version of myself I can ever be. I can, I can! You always said I could do anything I put my mind to, I can do this. I can still be a happy girl and young woman, I can still grow up, I can make new friends. Perhaps I’ll move? Yes, maybe that’s a good idea…

I miss you. I miss Grandma, I miss our talks. The things you would do with me…how you used to sing to me when I was scared of the monsters under my bed, our weekly theatre nights; we’d always go to see Charlie Chaplin, that was your favourite; and it grew to be mine too.

I miss how close we were to each other. We were like….we were like two peas in a pod. We couldn’t be one without the other.

1917, was the year of my birth. How well do you remember picking me up that day? When I was alone, cold, nearly dead…in a dumpster? You saved me.

That’s why….I don’t want to believe you did those things, Papa. I don’t. I have a very strong sense of morality, you know that. I….I can’t fathom you ever being capable of something like that.

I…I don’t think I knew you, Papa. You…

You betrayed me.

Everybody was right, you know. The suspicions people had about you. Anne…she always talked about you with a certain look of fear in her eyes, and I always made the time to defend you to anybody who ever judged.

How was it, that the only person who never saw the signs, was me? The person who lived with you for sixteen years?

Maybe I just didn’t want to believe it.

And now look at what you’ve done. You’ve killed a part of me…you killed Grandma; your mother! I was supposed to meet her up for tea a few days after your death, but time had beaten me to it. What ever will I do, without your love?

I miss you, Pa. And I love you, so very much. But you better pray to the devil himself; that I do not die for another five decades. I won’t be able to hold myself back…from hurting you. And I’ll hurt you bad.

To be hated….to be attacked by somebody you protected, nurtured, loved with all your heart….yes, that’s the pain I want to inflict on you. Your daughter, the person you’d kill for, turning against you.

I love you, Pa, I really do. But….a serial killer will never be somebody I bode well with.

———————

January 10th, 1934

I am sorry. For everything. It’s very frigid out here due to winter, and I’ve been camping outside for quite a while…I can’t feel my legs anymore.

To….anybody I may have scared or hurt, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.

[chasingokay]

I absolutely cannot wait. 09/23/2030. ❤️

[bird-cherry13]

It's so disgusting, to be honest. I'm laughing, I'm trying to joke. But I'm running like a scalded dog from the fact that almost everything in my childhood is wrong. From the pressure, from the fact that no one stood up for me or could help. So much so that my name is no longer my name. So much so that I don't want to remember that my parents exist. So much so that it's difficult for me to keep in touch with my sister. It hurts.

But when I go to bed, I'm still here. Closing my eyes, I'm here. In our, children's, bedroom. Where the doors never closed. Where everything is in plain sight but everything important is unnoticed. Where everything gets twisted and turns against me. Where they can hold me in place and psychologically torture me without realizing that it is torture. Where you can go whenever and for whatever reason. I have no human rights. I'm just a doll. I should be a good daughter and nothing else.

I don't think I'll ever want to be a "good" one again.

Some people say you're just getting attention. The truth is that you stop hiding just because it's impossible to hide anymore. This is your daily pain. Fuck them if it seems like something ridiculous to someone. They weren't there to help you either.

[awareness-and-healing]

.💗.

.

[hollow-inside]

I feel ALONE.

It took me so many years to open the box in my mind and actually open up about my trauma. Now it looms over me like an ever present shadow. I shoved that shit so deep that I never let myself grieve what was done to me.

I know I’m not the only person who was the victim of sextortion, CSEM cam work, and a ring of pedophiles as a minor. I don’t have the bandwidth to type my whole story atm but I KNOW I am not the only one in gen z who experienced this while being online at an extremely young age.

The problem arises when I can’t find community with others who have experienced this. There are practically ZERO resources for adult survivors. No forums, no groups, no books.

So I search the tags here and it feels even more isolating…

#csem = people complaining about a03, art, and fan fiction (very few discussions from survivors)

#omegle = people complaining that their favorite rp website is gone (no stories of the THOUSANDS of victims of pedophiles who blackmailed, recruited, and groomed children into CSEM and cam work)

#sextortion = news articles and posts cautioning people to stay safe online (very few first hand experiences)

And don’t get me started on the far right delusional hysteria about the political elite trafficking babies instead of the VERY REAL CHILD TRAFFICKING that we should be educating people about.

If you see this and you know where I can find community, please tell me. I’m exhausted from carrying this weight all alone.

[prairiedawn]

On the Fears and Children

The canon TMA characters believe that the Fears are relatively uninterested in the fear of children, and we see relatively few children appearing in Statements overall. Now, from a Doylist perspective that's because horror with children (under about fifteen--we're not talking about teenagers) as victims can be more disturbing in ways that the writers didn't want to get into most of the time, in the same way that they did not dwell on Fears related to sex, relying instead on the common science fiction/fantasy proxy of psychic assaults of various kinds to examine a lot of the same kinds of themes.

But in the Eyepocalypse, everyone is Watcher or Watched, including all of the children. And they're not all in the Dark--a quarter of the global population consists of children under fifteen, and I can't imagine the Fears would allow that kind of lopsided representation.

But in order for the Fears to feed, the people they feed on have to be afraid of them. This leads to the question: When, from a developmental standpoint, do each of the Fears become relevant to children, and what Fears dominate at particular ages?

Let's consider this at several different stages: Infants too young to crawl, mobile babies (under about 2), toddlers (2 and three), young school aged (4 to 6), elementary aged (7-10), and adolescent (11 and up).

So, to the youngest babies.  Newborns come prepackaged with basically three major fears:  Suffocation(the Buried), falling (the Vast), and abandonment (The Lonely). 

The Moro reflex, in which a newborn is abruptly lowered a couple of inches, whereupon it will fling out its arms, draw the back to the midline, and cry is found in all neurologically "normal" babies (and is used to help diagnose some kinds of nervous system issues).

Newborns also seek out and mimic faces and will cry when left alone (some of us neuroatypicals weren't like that as babies, but we're talking averages here), along with several other presocial behaviors that function to keep adults nearby and attentive.

Suffocation is a weird one. Most babies develop a fear of suffocation very early, but when we are fetuses, a lack of oxygen causes us to breathe slower to conserve energy, since we're only breathing for practice. Some babies don't lose that tendency--which is dangerous and why we put babies to sleep on their backs.

All that said, newborns are not intellectually or emotionally sophisticated souls, and the Fears, in an Eyepocalyptic scenario, probably get more mileage out of threatening their caregivers than they do terrifying the infants themselves.

Mobile babies. Babies who can crawl and toddle have a lot more to be afraid of. The fear of falling gets much more pronounced as babies learn to crawl. They also develop a sudden, pronounced fear of strangers (or Strangers) and can be terrified by changes as simple as a caregiver wearing sunglasses or shaving their beard.  There can be a bit of fear of the dark at this age, but it's really more fear of abandonment at this point.  Babies this age fear sharply and simply and likely aren't too tasty for the Fears either. The part of the Spiral that is purely sensory overload might be able to scare toddlers, especially ND toddlers. The Fears are likely to use these children to scare adult caregivers more than the children themselves as well.

Twos and threes:  Now we get into some genuine fear of the Dark. This is the age at which imagination usually starts to sprout--the first real solid raw material for the Fears to prey upon. The other fears don't go away--except sometimes the fear of falling (unfortunately). The earliest inklings of Desolation show up here as well--mostly in the form of changes in routine or losing loveys. If we define the Flesh loosely as including having to eat food that looks yucky, there's a little there to work with. Anyone who has interacted with a two or three year old knows how much they loathe being controlled (at the same time wanting boundaries, poor dears.) The Web could get some kid fear here--and we know the Web regularly targets children

Four through six: Some children are going to start fearing Corruption around this age, though for many, corruption won't really be something they care about for much longer. It's one of the things we deliberately train into them, with varying success. I would guess that this is about where we start seeing some fear of the Hunt--though I suspect that fear will be mostly found in kids who have actually been hunted by abusers, bullies, or in time of war. The Spiral could probably get some mileage out of the fear of getting lost.

This is the last age at which most kids actually like the Eye intrinsically. "Watch me!  Are you watching me?" With the onset of school (and school shooter drills in the US) the Slaughter might have a chance to feed on this age group, but I suspect that the Slaughter isn't going to be a common Fear before the teens.

Seven to ten: This is the age at which many children start to understand death as a permanent thing that happens to everyone. The End might find some hunting here. This is also the first inklings of a sense of privacy, kids under six or seven (depending on the kid) kind of figure adults know everything anyway. This is also when kids are able to conceptualize being sane (or not), for the most part, so the Spiral could get some snacks here. Abstract thinking emerges, giving the Vast more to work with.

Eleven and up:  The constant state of middle school embarrassment should provide a rich feeding ground for the Eye. Middle schoolers frequently Do Not Want To Be Perceived. The dysphoria aspect of the Flesh is strong here. Even cis kids at this age are often appalled at the rapid changes in their bodies. The Buried can take advantage of increased expectations and responsibility, and the Web is going to make a big resurgence in this age group as well. Kids this age and older are developing the full, tasty range of emotions, in some ways more intensely than adults. Why didn't Jon see the rest of them? Think about it. He was so upset by the Dark that he almost couldn't continue. I think he chose to see what he could endure. Right up to the edge of his endurance, but not beyond it.

[glassfeatheredcrow]

Little guys!! Making it into a thing.

Galactic Petz!!!

This revolves around child-coded animals part of a space recruit of older animals going on adventures- however it’s not your average kids story. This will involve mature things such as:

Trauma

Swearing

Blood

Violence

And other topics like betrayal and manipulation.

Here’s some quick info from the images.

Chipper- he is the youngest but most responsible.

Kosmo- He is the oldest and tries to keep everyone in line, but often gets stressed.

Fiend- she’s aggressive and chaotic with a speech problem, she didn’t learn to speak soon enough. The only non animal.

Stinker- The most nervous and easily startled one. Be careful with him, or she might spray! (Skunk)

Downy- called this because his mane has the texture of downy feathers. He tries to act confident, but he’s terrified deep down.

Share with your friends!

This will include bright colors and eyestrain, and other things like body horror.

[la1npilledg1rl]

why did you have me? just to hurt me?

[sillybruja]

something I think about a lot is how people are just learning about Bohemian Grove. No judgment, it just makes me realize how traumatizing my childhood was. Being raised by a closeted p3d0, I was "taught" (starting at age 11) all about Bohemian Grove, secret societies, satanic rituals, adrenochrome, Epstein and his island, MAMBLA, etc.

the darkness of the world is not new to me. I've been exposed to these things, have flashbacks of being in places I shouldn't with people I shouldn't be with.

It is not just sad that this is part of our society that we don't talk enough about, but that it even has to be talked about at all. I am sorry for anyone who thought we lived in a safe, loving world, and had to find out about the true ugliness seen past the illusive veil forced on us.

If it makes you uncomfortable that one of the most profitable businesses in the world is child/human tr@fficking, sacrifice, etc. then that just makes you human, but human with a responsibility to put an end to this.

[fosterwhat]

Henry has been with us several “bonus” days this month which the kids loved. The relative he’s placed with periodically asks me to take him on extra days and I make it work. We always copy the social worker on our emails and she never responds so I’m working under the assumption it’s fine. Social worker hasn’t met me or the kids but whatever. I know he’s safe here.

I’m glad Henry’s foster parent and I are in communication because something happened (vague sorry) and DCFS told her no way, there’s no history of them, meanwhile there is extensive history with both my kids! It’s the same parent y’all, it doesn’t matter if it’s a different kid. History is history. Read your files.

The exact situation that caused Henry to come into care recently reoccurred but DCFS is still permitting 5 hour long unsupervised visits. The situation is not okay, truly dangerous, but if they think it’s acceptable for him to be unsupervised and risk exposure then why did they bother removing him? They were talking about overnights but at least that’s on pause for now.

My kids are supposed to have visits with parents this month but I’ve heard nothing from one and only vague communication from the other. Parent also expects to ignore the open adoption agreement and do what they want, which isn’t going to happen. I’m not even surprised they feel that entitled — this is the same parent who broke rules around Henry’s unsupervised visits and faced zero consequences. DCFS doesn’t hold anyone accountable, including themselves.

[0trashyp0]

Mommy issues mood board for today(⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠)

[neurotypicalabusesurvivor]

People who say children can't consent and that why it ok for parents to control everything the child does not understand consent.

If a child can't consent then they can't consent to YOUR religion, to YOUR moral code, to living under YOUR roof, or to being born in the first.

You don't believe in consent you just want a slave.