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cherrygirlfriend · 30 days ago

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bsf!rafe teaching ditzy!reader to golf

warnings: smut, golf (it's a warning), MDNI

i have not played golf since i was 14 and i sucked at it so don't blame me if i don't know how it works i only care about golf when it's abt golf daddy ...

you'd never really been interested in any kind of sports; sure, when you were in high school you did cheer, but since then, most of the physical activity you did was running or pilates, and something you definitely had no interest in was golf, and that was something not even a cute golfing outfit had managed to change.

"i dunno 'bout this, rafey..." you said, playing with the hem of your pink golf skirt. "i'd just much rather watch you play."

"come on, sweets, you already agreed to it."

"rafe, why did you even bring her along?" topper sighed exasperatedly, and that earned a piercing look from rafe, as well as a pouty look from you, causing him to throw up his hands, going to position himself.

"come on, what happened to 'trying new things'? i mean, i agreed to do some girly shit you wanna do if you do this for me."

"but rafeee," you whined, pointed out your freshly done nails, "these nails aren't meant to go near balls, why do you think i don't give you handjobs?"

"jesus christ," rafe snorted, unable to resist laughing, although he knew by the look on your face that you were fully serious, before straightening his face. in all fairness, your nails were pretty long, "if something happens to your nails, i'll pay to have 'em done again. now get your pretty ass here. you're not getting out of this." he said, holding out his hand.

you hopped off the golf cart with a huff, your glossy lower lip pushed forward in a pout that made rafe want to kiss it off your face. reluctantly, you took his hand, and he pulled you closer to his body in a way that made your heart race.

"alright, take this." he said, picking up one of his clubs and handing it to you. rafe showed you how to hold it, standing right behind you, his front right up against your back, gently holding onto your hips.

"you know, if you wanted to feel me up, you could've just asked."

"i don't need an excuse to feel you up." rafe grinned, pressing a kiss on your bare shoulder, before fixing your hold on the club with his own hands. "alright, feet further apart." he mumbled, as he pushed your feet further apart before stepping back. looking over you with slightly narrowed eyes, his thumb slightly pulling at his lower lip in concentration.

"bend your knees." rafe said, and the commanding tone of his voice caused a shiver to go down your spine as you did what he told, all the while biting your bottom lip. "good girl..." he murmured, fully focusing on getting your form correctly, unaware of the effect he was having on you. "wait, hold on." he said, once again moving to stand behind you, both of his hands on your hips as he pulled them back slightly, your heart now fully pounding against your chest.

"perfect." he stood back again, "alright, when you swing, remember to twist your body as you do. you ready?"

you nodded, your face flushed as you swung, making sure to twist your body as you did so, and when the ball launched away, you turned to rafe with a cheerful expression, throwing your hands in the air. "i did it!"

"you did." he chuckled; to be honest, he had no idea where the hell the ball even landed; all he had been focused on was you.

"can you position me again?" you said, twirling your hair as you bit down on your lip.

after around an hour of golfing, you, rafe and his friends made your way to the country club, the boys talking about getting drinks, but the moment you got inside, you made an excuse to rafe's friends about how you needed his help with something, only to tug him into the women's bathroom, pushing him against the door, your lips on his in a second as if you'd drown if you didn't devour every part of him at that moment.

when he finally pulled away, leaving you feel even hungrier for him, rafe looked down at you in a slight daze, "what's this?" he grinned, his hands finding their way onto your hips, only for you to grab one of his hands, bringing it to the waistband of your skirt, rafe's eyes widening when he realized what you were after.

you looked into his eyes, your hand over his as you guided it down your skirt and down your panties, letting out a sigh when you felt his fingers on your folds, the small chuckle he let out making you bite down on your lip, "shit, you're soaked, huh?"

nodding, you looked up at him, your pupils blown wide as you waited for him to tell you what to do, the blonde chewing on his lower lip as he thought before clearing his throat. "'right, take your panties off and sit on the counter." he said, locking the door.

you slid your panties off, hopping to sit on the marble counter with your still on. "attagirl." rafe said, coming over to you. he took hold of your chin, making you look up at him, before kissing you so fleetingly it almost made your lips burn, "gonna be quiet f'me?"

"mmhm..." you hummed in what was almost a whine, only making him tsk.

"i don't believe you." he said, pressing a quick peck on your lips, "open your mouth." rafe commanded, and you did as he said, only to have your own panties stuffed in your mouth, tasting your own arousal on the fabric. "now you will."

he got on his knees, wrapping his arms around the backs of your thighs as he tugged you closer to him, your skirt allowing you to slide to the edge of the counter while you held onto a to a paper towel dispenser, rafe pulling up your skirt with a hungry look in his eyes.

"look so fucking good, baby..." he mumbled, starting to press kisses up your thigh, getting painfully close to your folds, making you to let out a whine from behind your panties, only for rafe to smack your inner thigh, "quiet. 'm trying to enjoy my meal here."

you threw your head back against the mirror when you finally felt rafe lick a stripe up your cunt, biting down on the lace of your panties, your hand gripping onto the paper towel dispenser even harder when you felt his tongue lapping at your entrance, his grip on your thighs tightening when you felt the hilt of his tongue against your walls, before pulling back.

"so good..." he muttered against your pussy, causing vibrations to go down through your body, rafe pulling one of his arms away from your thigh, letting it rest against the marble, while the other brought your other thigh to rest on his shoulder. he gathered some of your wetness into his fingers, the tips of his fingers teasing your entrance while his lips pressed kisses on your puffy clit, your whole body feeling like it was on fire.

when rafe finally pushed his fingers into you, your back arched all over again, finally feeling some proper release. his ring was cold against your pussy as he pumped his digits in and out of you, slowly building up his pace.

he started occasionally flicking your clit with his tongue, and every time rafe did so, he could see your eyes roll back into your head.

the pace of his fingers were relentless as you started clenching around them slightly, and he couldn't help but grin, knowing you were close, and that's when rafe attached his lips to your clit, starting to suck on it while his fingers thrust in and out of you, and you couldn't help the whines and moans you were letting out, luckily muffled by the lacy fabric.

"that's it..." rafe mumbled against your pussy, making your entire body vibrate, "come on my fingers, pretty girl..."

you couldn't help it, the band in your abdomen that had been building up since you stood on that golf course finally snapping when rafe attached his lips back to your puffy clit, your walls starting to spasm around his fingers in a way that made him groan as you felt yourself making a mess of what little counter was under you.

rafe started slowing down his fingers, letting you ride out your orgasm, pressing a small kiss on your clit before he pulled his lips away, looking up at you, and when you looked at him with half-lidded eyes, his lips were so gloriously puffy and covered in you.

finally, he pulled out his fingers and stood up straight, taking your panties out of your mouth and dropping them to your lap while your head felt so gloriously fuzzy and empty. rafe pressed his lips on yours, and you could taste your arousal on him as his tongue entered your mouth.

when rafe pulled away, he let out a chuckle, "mmm, look so pretty 'n dumb right now." he brought his fingers to your lips, "open up and clean up for me, pretty girl."

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anyon-else · 8 months ago

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spiked w/ kaeya alberich, zhongli, xaio – main masterlist

warnings (please read!) | gn!reader, angst, hurt/comfort, non-consensual drug use, implied attempted sexual assault (barely, but i wanted to add it just in case)

KAEYA ALBERICH

kaeya was not one for quiet nights.

he much preferred the white noise and chatter of the tavern to his own lodgings. even after he began seeing you, spending nights with you at his side on a barstool remained his favorite activity. he loved to watch your easy confidence as you chatted with jean or charles, or even diluc for that matter. he just enjoyed listening to your lovely voice over the background conversation of the other patrons.

but there were some nights when kaeya wished he had elected to stay home.

there was a new bartender working tonight. kaeya had seen him a few times, and charles didn't seem particularly bothered by him despite the subpar drinks he made, but kaeya couldn't help his inherent distrust of any newcomer. it always took him a bit of time to get used to an unfamiliar face settling in mondstadt as a permanent resident, and from what kaeya had heard, this one had made his intention to stay in the city for the foreseeable future very clear.

the night, while young, was already wearing him thin. he'd just gotten back from a days-long commission that jean had requested he take on personally. it had been a grueling week, and the only thing he wanted to do when he returned was take you to the angel's share for a few drinks, then take you to bed.

you never elected to drink very much when you accompanied kaeya to the tavern. you'd usually nurse a glass or two of wine, and oftentimes you'd leave without finishing a third.

tonight, you had barely started sipping your second glass when you began looking fairly ill. at the moment, you were slumped against kaeya's shoulder, struggling to keep your eyes open or form a coherent sentence.

"darling?" kaeya asked when your strength seemingly left you. you went limp, and had you not already been leaning on his shoulder, you probably would have fallen off of the barestool. kaeya caught you with an arm around your waist and another holding your shoulder. you muttered something unintelligible and groaned when kaeya shifted so he could look at you. he lifted your face, and gave your cheek a light tap when your eyes began to flutter shut. "can you open your eyes, love?"

"'m tired," you mumbled. kaeya furrowed his brow; he was certain you'd only had one drink since you'd arrived.

he caught charles' concerned gaze from across the bar, but before either of them could speak, the newcomer was stepping forward nervously.

"i can take them to the back," he said to kaeya, eyeing you briefly, "there's a couch."

kaeya raised a brow at the suggestion. from the corner of his eye, he saw charles wince.

"i'll take them," kaeya corrected firmly, scrutinizing the man further when he saw disappointment flicker across his expression.

"r-right. of course. it's just back–"

"i know where it is," kaeya snapped, abruptly standing from his chair and sliding his arms under your pliant body. concern was thrumming through him, and he immediately forgot about the bartender shuffling behind him when you shifted and let out another string of mutters.

"talk to me, love," he muttered as you peeled your eyes open, "how are you feeling?"

"bad," you grumbled. kaeya hummed, pursing his lips and walking as steadily as he could manage.

"was it something you ate?"

"dunno," you said, already fading again. kaeya cursed when your eyes fell shut and you went limp, head resting against his chest and arm hanging uselessly to your side.

kaeya laid you on the couch in the back room that charles had set up for employees. you didn't stir as his arms left you, though he saw your brow furrow when he let you go. he elected to take one of your hands in his as he thought through the events of the night to try and pin down the cause of your mysterious illness.

it was then he realized that the new bartender had followed him all the way down the hall and was waiting nervously in the doorway. he shifted uncomfortably under kaeya's sharp gaze.

"what are you still doing here?"

"i...i apologize, i just wanted to make sure everything was alright–"

"while your concern is very touching," kaeya sneered, suspicion growing each time the man's eyes left his and strayed to where you were laying behind him. kaeya shifted so that your face wasn't in the man's view, "i can handle things."

kaeya saw a touch of annoyance cross the man's features, and the alarm bells already ringing in his head became more frantic.

"unless," kaeya rumbled as he stood, reluctantly dropping your hand so that he could approach the man, "you know something about this."

"oh! uh...no, i'm not sure what happened. i just noticed that they looked rather sick."

kaeya hummed, scrutinizing the man for a moment longer before nodding his head towards the door behind him.

"you can go, then," he said with finality.

"right," the man nodded, eyes wide as he took in kaeya intimidating aura, "o-of course."

kaeya didn't watch the newcomer scurry away. instead, he turned back to where you were beginning to rouse again. he heard a string of words escape you, only catching his own name every few seconds until he was kneeling next to you, one hand reaching to find your own as the other cupped your cheek.

"kaeya," you huffed, breathing sporadic and so panicked that it made kaeya's chest ache, "what's happ'ning?"

"i don't know, darling," kaeya told you truthfully. you groaned, bringing a hand to shield your eyes from the light in the room and turning on your side, pressing your face into the pillows. "i'm sorry. we'll get you feeling better soon, alright?"

"that wine," you mumbled, voice muffled by the pillow and barely audible over the distant chatter of the tavern, "it was...really strong."

that gave kaeya pause. he distinctly remembered the new bartender pouring your wine, then turning towards the opposite counter where kaeya couldn't see what he was doing.

he couldn't imagine that anyone would...

"charles!" he shouted as soon as he puts the pieces together, rage clouding his mind as he thought back to the suspicious behavior, the attempts to stay in the room with you, and kaeya's own gut feeling that something was off about the newcomer.

the only thing that kept him from going back to the bar and wringing the man's neck was your hand holding his. he couldn't leave you alone now—not with that criminal still roaming god-knows-where.

"don' leave," you muttered, making a desperate attempt to sit up and grab onto kaeya's arm. he shook his head, placing careful hands on your shoulders and guiding you onto your back. you were looking up at him with bloodshot eyes, and the fear in them made his chest ache.

"i'm not," he shook his head, taking your hand in both of his and giving it a reassuring squeeze, "don't worry, love. i'm not leaving."

kaeya's chest tightened when your breath hitched, a silent sob rocking your chest. you were terrified—that much was strikingly clear. your eyes were scrunched shut, and if your pained expression was anything to go by, you had a raging headache brought on by whatever it was that you had drank.

kaeya couldn't watch for much longer before he was lifting you up and replacing you on the couch, then setting you down with your head on his lap. you pressed closer to him, head resting on his thigh and fingers gripping his jacket.

"what happened?"

kaeya stiffened at diluc's familiar voice. he looked down at you and focused on the rise and fall of your chest to keep himself from getting too upset over his brother's untimely arrival.

"that new bartender," kaeya grumbled, "he made their drink tonight. i think they mixed it with something."

there was a silence, and kaeya finally chanced a glance at diluc. he was watching you with a furrowed brow, hands clenched into fists and jaw grinding back and forth in the only show of anger that kaeya could see.

"is the drink still at the bar?"

"it should be."

"i'll take it to timeus on my way to the knight's headquarters."

kaeya looked up in surprise, but diluc looked away, very intentionally avoiding his eyes.

"i'll take the bartender to jean. i trust she can keep him in check in a far more legal manner than i would."

diluc breathed in deeply, closing his eyes for a moment. when he opened them again, he looked far more intense than before, and he looked at kaeya with a seriousness that was rarely shared between the two.

"it's my responsibility to know who is being hired at my establishments. i apologize for being so negligent."

kaeya blinked, opening his mouth to reassure him that the only one at fault was the scum who did this, but diluc held a hand up to stop him.

"just make sure they're taken care of," diluc said, glancing down at you once more with a furrowed brow that almost made him look worried, "i'll handle the rest."

kaeya gave a single nod, knowing that any gratitude could go unsaid. he also knew that this sudden show of kindness was less for him and more for you—diluc had always been fond of you, claiming that you made kaeya more pleasant to be around.

while the comment had irked him when it was made, he couldn't exactly disagree.

"'m sorry," you groaned when diluc was gone, sniffling and trying desperately to keep your tears at bay. kaeya's expression twisted, his hand stilling where it had been rubbing soothing circles on your arm.

"sorry?" he repeated, "love, what could you possible have to be sorry for?"

"for inconveniencing diliuc," you huffed, "and making you worry."

kaeya sighed, shaking his head at the guilty look on your face and cupping your face in his hands.

"we just want to make sure you're okay," he whispered, lifting your hand and pressing his lips to your fingers, "none of this is your fault, my love."

you grumbled something that sounded like a disagreement, but let the argument go when your headache returned.

"am i gonna be okay?" you croaked, eyes filling with panic as you thought about the possibilities of what could've been put in your drink. sure, you'd heard about people's drinks getting tampered with before, but it could've been something more deadly. maybe this was a murder attempt to get at kaeya. maybe you had unintentionally made someone so angry that they'd hired this bartender to kill you. maybe–

"you're going to be just fine," kaeya assured you, hands cupping your face so that you were forced to look at him, "it's nothing to worry about. i've seen this happen a few times. you'll just wake up with a nasty headache, but i'll take care of you, yeah?"

"yeah," you agreed, feeling any energy you'd been using to panic seep from you as you sank into kaeya's arms.

as kaeya carried you home later that night, he thought about all of the things that he could do to make that bartender's life a living hell. the ideas he came up with brought him some satisfaction, and he found that he was more excited than he had been in a long time to get to work the next day.

ZHONGLI

zhongli had been alive for many, many years. enough years that he had seen the cruelties that others were capable of. he understood that preventative measures were necessary to keep oneself safe, but he was also painfully aware that those protections were not always enough. those with bad intentions usually found a way around any safeguards no matter how carefully they were designed.

in you, he saw a very careful person. you were well aware of the dangers of the world—though perhaps not to the extent of someone who had fought in wars and survived to tell the tales. you were, however, cautious enough that he knew you were a very capable person.

but despite his experience, this was a first.

you weren't one to drink yourself into a state of incapacitation, so zhongli couldn't deny his growing concern as you stumbled towards him, eyes lidded and legs shaky. you stumbled towards him, struggling to keep yourself from falling with each step. he met you before you could fall, accepting your outstretched arms and pulling you into his chest.

the first thing he noticed upon catching you was that you were shaking. he tried to move away so that he could look at you, but your grip was firm. you were holding him so tightly, like you were afraid of letting him go and facing whatever had frightened you so much.

"y/n?" he asked softly, resting a hand on the small of your back just under your shirt and rubbing soothing circles over your skin. he felt some of the tension loosen from your shoulders and hugged you closer, "darling, what happened?"

the answer appeared behind him before you could even attempt to answer. he felt a tap on shoulder, impatient and insistent. zhongli turned carefully, making sure to keep you steady as he faced the interruption with equal levels of impatience.

"yes?"

"ah, this is a bit awkward," the man chuckled, attention not on zhongli, but rather on you huddled in his arms. zhongli's eyes narrowed on the stranger, and he pulled you tighter against his chest, keeping your face pressed into his clothes to keep it out of the man's sight.

"do tell me what you find so awkward about the situation," zhongli said darkly, "or better yet, tell me why you're even speaking to me in the first place."

the man gulped, finally looking up and meeting zhongli's glare. it must have been the first time he really registered the person holding you, because his eyes widened a fraction and he began spitting out excuse after excuse, each sounding more desperate than the last.

"y'see, my friend has had a few too many drinks tonight. i apologize that they stumbled into you like that–"

"your friend," zhongli huffed, an irritated laugh bubbling in his throat, "ah, well, it's a good thing you've come to their rescue, then."

the man, who zhongli now knew was denser than stone, grinned at this and began reaching towards you eagerly.

"may i ask you what their name is?"

this made him pause.

"well...i don't think they'd appreciate me giving that information out to a stranger-"

"oh, of course," zhongli nodded, "how noble of you."

"right," the man gave him an odd look, but continued reaching towards you, "if you could just–"

if there was one thing that zhongli appreciate about his human form, it was its agility.

he swept you to the side, keeping one arm firmly around your waist while the other grabbed hold of the man's wrist. he only got a glimpse of the stranger's wide, terrified eyes before he twisted the his arm just shy of breaking. the man let out quick, panicked huffs as he looked between zhongli's hard expression and the hand gripping his wrist.

"a-alright, i get it," the man gulped, making a feeble attempt to pull away, "i'll go–ow, i'm sorry! i didn't know–"

"didn't know what?" zhongli asked venomously, false smiles and politeness wiped from his expression. his harsh tone made the man visibly shudder, "that it's not acceptable to try to kidnap people? what made you so ignorant that you couldn't comprehend that that is a crime?"

"i wasn't...listen, i'm sorry, okay? i won't do it again, just let me go. please."

zhongli was very close to breaking the man's wrist, eyes nearly glowing as they narrowed on the man's terrified eyes. however, he paused when you shifted, coughing weakly into his chest.

"zhongli," you croaked, "i think he did something to my drink."

zhongli's fingers tightened around the man's wrist, earning a terrified squeak from him as he tried to pull back in one last, desperate attempt to get away.

"well?" he asked the terrified man sharply, "did you?"

"o-of course i didn't! i just...i didn't know you were together, alright? i just saw that they looked ill, and thought i'd help–"

"your help is neither wanted nor needed," zhongli said with a sharp smile that made the man's face go white. zhongli knew he could be more than menacing at the right times, "xiao."

the adeptus appeared at his side immediately, making the already nervous man jump in fear. the man watched with wide-eyes as xiao approached zhongli. xiao payed no mind to the man trembling in zhongli's grip. he did, however, take note of your barely-conscious body slumped against zhongli. you were staring blankly at something behind xiao, and the adeptus tried to keep himself calm for your sake.

"please watch him until i return."

xiao gave a single nod, gripping the man's shirt and dragging him to a more secluded area of the market. zhongli wrapped his arm further around your waist, pulling you in close before he disappeared from the streets of the harbor.

baizhu did not looked particularly alarmed when zhongli appeared in the middle of the pharmacy, though his eyes widened just slightly when he spotted you in the ex-god's arms.

"come with me," baizhu ordered immediately, turning and moving further into the pharmacy. he entered a room with zhongli at his heels and pointed towards a long table, "put them there."

zhongli did as he was told, brow furrowed in clear concern as he brushed a hand over your cheek. you seemed to be conscious, but barely lucid as you leaned into zhongli's palm.

"what happened," baizhu asked, leaning over you and opening one of your eyes wider to look at your pupil.

"i believe they were given some kind of drug. i don't know what."

"that would explain these symptoms," baizhu murmured, placing a hand on your chest and closing his eyes. his palm began to glow a bright green, and zhongli watched as changsheng slid down the doctor's arm until she was resting on your stomach. after another moment, the glow dissipated.

"i can't tell the exact substance that was used, but it's nothing deadly. they'll just need to rest. it will be out of their system by tomorrow night at the latest."

zhongli nearly collapsed as relief rushed through him. he took your hand and pressed it to his lips carefully, closing his eyes so he could focus on calming his racing heart.

"if it's not too much trouble," zhongli began as baizhu stepped back from the table, allowing changsheng to take her place upon his shoulders again, "could you look after them for a moment? i've left someone waiting."

baizhu huffed, a smirk crossing his lips at the zhongli's sugarcoated words.

"please do. rest assured, they'll be looked after here," baizhu told him slyly, waving a hand towards the door, "and don't bother bringing me any more patients when you're finished. i'm afraid i'm stretched quite thin with just the one."

as zhongli disppeared towards he harbor, baizhu almost pitied the poor man who had put you in such a state. almost.

XIAO

xiao had never enjoyed human celebrations.

he knew that they were important to you, but he just didn't have the patience for them. they always dragged on for so long. sure, he was immortal, but he still appreciated concision.

and the crowds. just thinking about trying to shove his way through a mass of humans made his skin crawl. he'd watched you do it enough times that he knew he would be content to never experience it for himself.

so he was satisfied watching you from afar. he liked seeing you enjoy yourself, even if he wasn't necessarily keen on the types of events that you chose to dedicate your time to.

however, it was neither his place nor his desire to tell you how to spend your time. while he would've been more than happy to just lay with you under the stars, he knew how much you enjoyed spending time with your friends at these little soirees.

but humans were just so fragile. he knew you wouldn't blame him for wanting to keep a watchful eye out.

it was foggy, but that did little to impede his vision as he watched over you from the balcony of wangshu inn. tonight's event had gathered a fairly large crowd to the courtyard outside of the inn, but xiao was careful to make sure he didn't lose sight of you in the depths of the crowd.

in the back of his mind, he heard zhongli's scolding voice telling him that he shouldn't hover, but he waved it away. he was not hovering. he was simply...observing. there was nothing wrong with wanting to keep an eye on humans whose intentions and judgment he didn't trust. he probably would've been here whether you decided to attend or not, just looking out to make sure no one was hurt in the crowd or bothered by some drunkard.

the fact that you were here was simply a coincidence. he was just taking advantage of it to keep an eye on you.

xiao!

the voice that intruded into his mind was panicked, begging for his attention and help. he felt the fear of the person calling him through the word alone. it sent a cold chill down his spine, and he perked up immediately, eyes still on you to make sure you hadn't somehow gotten hurt while he was momentarily distracted.

but you were fine. the call had come from somewhere a few miles from the inn where the abyss order tended to wander. very few knew to call his name in order to summon him, but this particular cry seemed far too desperate for him to ignore. he gave one last look to where you were standing at a food stall with your friends before he disappeared. it only took seconds of searching to find the source of the voice.

as he suspected, the woman was surrounded by monsters. one cryo mage, one hydro, and a handful of hilichurls were tormenting her for seemingly no reason other than their own amusement. rather than unleashing any deadly attacks, the mages released small bursts of elemental power and cackle at the frightened cry that the woman gave as she was hit with a blast of water or ice. the hilichurls seemed equally as amused, dancing around the woman in joy as they watched her grovel and beg that they leave her alone.

"xiao, help!"

she cried his name once more in the same second that he summoned his polearm, throwing it through the shield of the hydro mage with enough force that it shattered, then summoning it once again to destroy the shield of the other. with all of the monsters exposed to the wind, he flew forward and sent the point of his weapon across their throats, ending their lives quickly and painlessly. no need for any more senseless violence than that which had already occurred.

"t-thank you," the woman breathed as she watched the bodies of the monsters disappear, turning to dust as any remaining life drained from their bodies. once they were gone, xiao stepped forward to help the woman to her feet.

"how did you know to call for me?" he asked shortly, slightly annoyed that such a minor incident had called his attention away from the inn. the woman flinched, and he sighed, lowering his head, "i apologize. i just meant that not many people know to call for me anymore. i'm surprised."

"oh! well, i have a friend who told me about an adeptus who helps those in danger. they said to call for you if i ever found myself in a need of help."

xiao sighed. of course.

"this friend—what is their name?"

"it's y/n. they live near the inn, just a few miles from–"

"i know," xiao interrupted with another sigh, "and where do you live? is there somewhere you would like me to take you?"

"just the inn is fine. i'm meant to be meeting them, actually. for the party."

xiao nodded at this small relief—no more time wasted, then. he took hold of the woman's shoulder and teleported to the edge of the crowd gathered outside of the inn. she wobbled slightly at the unexpected travel, but he simply held her elbow as she righted herself while he scanned the crowd for any sign of you. without his high vantage point, it was difficult to make out anyone beyond the border of the crowd, and he scowled.

"will you be alright on your own?" he asked the woman as he let go of her elbow. she nodded.

"yes, thank you very much. i am in your debt."

"it's no trouble. think nothing of it," he told her before he vanished, leaving her to weave her way through the crowd in search of you. xiao returned to his perch on the balcony, scanning the crowd once again for your familiar form.

what would usually be a fairly easy search quickly become far longer than he'd expected. you were nowhere to be seen, and after a third, then a fourth, and finally a fifth scan of the crowd, he took in a deep, calming breath and tried to listen for a call of his name or a sign of your presence within the inn itself.

nothing.

he reappeared on the outskirts of the crowd again before his panic could get the better of him, shoving past people until he spotted verr goldet behind the makeshift bar that had been put together before the party. she was pouring seemingly endless glasses of dandelion wine for the eager customers on the other side of the counter, meeting their demands with a patience that xiao envied.

she spotted him before he could speak, a small smile on her face as she continued to work on taking the orders of the partygoers.

"xiao," she greeted, "i'm surprised to see you. y/n told me that you'd be keeping your distance tonight."

"do you know where they are?"

verr paused, bottle of wine stilling in her hand as she glanced at him. her expression seemed to ask how he had possibly lost sight of you—she was, admittedly, one of the few people who felt comfortable telling him that you were perfectly safe without his constant vigilance.

"i haven't seen them, but they might've just gone to the bathroom. i'm sure they're fine."

right. of course. there were plenty of reasons why you wouldn't be in his direct line of sight. there was no real reason for him to get so worked up over momentarily losing track of you.

he glanced towards the main entrance of the inn. it was vacant of anyone but a few stragglers stumbling towards their rooms, spent from the excitement and the alcohol that had been flowing fairly freely as the night progressed. you were nowhere to be found.

"don't disturb the customers!" verr shouted after him as he strode towards the inn intently, his face a cloud of worry and frustration.

even though you usually pretended to be ignorant of it, xiao knew that you were more than aware of his tendency to hover. you would sometimes tease him about it, but you also understood how important it was that he knew you were safe. if you'd left, you would've signaled to him that you were going somewhere he couldn't see you.

if you'd gone willingly.

the thought had him moving faster towards the third floor where most of the rooms were located. he paused in front of the first one, wondering how much of a scolding he'd get from you, verr goldet, and zhongli if he barged into each room one-by-one until he found you.

it doesn't matter, he told himself as he lifted a foot to kick down the first door. it was just before he made contact with the flimsy wood that he heard something around the corner of the hall: the smallest sound of distress, and then a reprimand from a low voice to remain silent.

his weapon was in his hand before he even caught sight of the two figures illuminated only by the dim glow of the hall lamps. the man who had spoken was towering over a hunched figure in the corner of the room. he looked angry, and he held a limp arm in a tight grip as he tried to drag a barely-conscious human towards an open door.

xiao did not need to look down to know that it was you who was being dragged. he recognized you immediately, if not by your silhouette then by the familiar sound of your voice, so quiet that he likely wouldn't have picked it up had he been human. you let out a pained, terrified call of his name that made the man above you scoff, undeterred in his efforts to pull you to your feet.

in a single, precise blast of wind, the man was on the opposite end of the hall, clutching the back of his head where he'd hit it against the wall and groaning in pain.

xiao's weapon disappeared as he knelt at your side. he lifted your head onto his lap and held it firmly between his palms, studying your expression carefully. your eyes were lidded, and you looked like you were barely hanging onto consciousness. xiao felt anger swirl deep within him as he scanned you, searching for any sign of injury.

the skin that the man had been holding was irritated, circled with a red handprint that was already beginning to bruise. xiao picked it up gingerly and closed his eyes, willing breath into his lungs before it burst from him in an explosion of fury.

"xiao..." you breathed, eyes falling shut with the knowledge that xiao had come for you. the adeptus swallowed thickly, pressing a kiss to your wrist and laying it gently over your chest. he brushed your disheveled hair from your face and stiffened when he caught sight of the dark bruise on your cheek. you had gone limp in his arms, and he lifted you up at the same time that the vile man on the opposite end of the hall rose shakily to his feet.

"what the hell?" he grumbled, shooting xiao a scathing glare that the adeptus returned tenfold. the man blanched at the glare he was given, far more menacing than his own from the hundreds of years of practice that xiao had under his belt. "y-you attacked me. i could have you arrested for this!"

xiao didn't trust himself to speak. his fury was boundless, and he knew that if it was released, this man would be dead within seconds.

him, and most of the humans residing in the rooms surrounding them.

the man looked bewildered, both by xiao's silence and by the darkness radiating from him. he shifted as a thick aura of destructive intent pooled into the room—just a fraction of the rage that xiao felt—and attempted a hasty retreat for the stairwell.

morax, xiao called sharply as he moved to follow the man, i require your assistance.

zhongli appeared almost instantly in front of him, concerned expression from the rare use of his old name becoming grim at the sight of you limp in xiao's arms.

"what do you need?"

"please take them to bubu pharmacy."

zhongli didn't hesitate to reach forward as the adeptus carefully handed you to the ex-archon. xiao kept a hand on your cheek for a moment longer when you were secure in zhongli's arms, listening closely for the steady beat of your heart. when he was satisfied, he stepped back and nodded at zhongli.

the man disappeared immediately, and xiao felt something tighten in his chest at having you out of sight again. he trusted zhongli to take care of you in your vulnerable state, but not having you within arms reach after you'd been in danger was nearly enough for him to forget the man stumbling down the stairs, and instead go straight to bubu pharmacy.

he stood at the top of the stairs for a moment longer before he teleported to the bottom floor. verr goldet saw him instantly—though he knew that he wasn't being very subtle. the darkness that he felt boiling within him was probably consuming the space around him, which was likely for the best. it would help create a clear space for him to do what he pleased to the vermin that had finally reached the final set of stairs.

he vaguely heard verr calling for people to back away, herding them towards the bridge on the opposite side of the courtyard in anticipation of some kind of confrontation.

the man gave a shout of surprise when he spotted xiao at the bottom of the stairs, stumbling backwards and crawling up the stairs like a rat. xiao felt his mouth twitch, lip pulling back in a snarl, but he composed himself.

he took his time making his way towards the man, taking each step with deadly intent that he knew the cockroach could feel. his eyes were wide and filled with a delicious expression of fear that xiao reveled in. he generally didn't feel this sadistic need for blood, but this was different. this man—this...this animal—had hurt you. who knows how many others he'd hurt in the past.

you would be the last that he ever attempted to harm.

xiao covered the surrounding scene in thick shadows, sparing the onlookers from what was unfolding. he couldn't, however, mask the screams of a coward begging for mercy.

it took him little more than five minutes to take care of the mess he'd made of the stairway and contain the darkness that had pooled around him and the man. he was gone before the crowd could catch sight of him.

he was in front of bubu pharmacy in seconds, breathing as deeply as he could manage to keep his ever-festering rage in check.

"xiao," he heard zhongli say next to him, a hesitancy in his voice that xiao rarely heard. he looked up at the man and blinked, taking in the grave expression on his face.

"they'll be alright," zhongli said before xiao could even open his mouth, hands held neatly behind his back. there was a deep, unsettled frown on his face that was making xiao uneasy.

"but?"

"but...they were drugged. baizhu is trying to determine the exact substance that was used, but he said that it will do no lasting physical harm."

xiao felt something in his chest tighten at the thought of you being in such a vulnerable position in the few minutes that he was gone. you must've been terrified...

"xiao," zhongli's voice broke him from his spiraling thoughts—thoughts that were quickly becoming self-incriminating. "do not blame yourself for this."

"i left," xiao said simply, staring through the door of the pharmacy despite zhongli's pointed gaze insisting that he meet his eyes.

"the only one at fault is the man who did this," zhongli continued, "who, i assume, is not longer a problem."

xiao gave a single nod, and he was sure that he heard a sigh of relief come from the ex-archon.

"good," the man said coldly, "that's one less thing to worry about."

xiao glanced up at his former master, wondering what he was still doing here. surely the situation was being handled by baizhu, and with his own presence, there was no need for him to take up any more of the man's time with a situation born from his own inadequate vigilance–

"you're going to give yourself a headache," zhongli tutted, gliding past xiao towards the doors of the pharmacy.

"wait," xiao called, halting zhongli where he stood.

"yes?"

"i–" he grit his teeth, willing the words to get through to zhongli, "i left."

zhongli watched xiao for a moment before he returned to the adeptus' side.

"why did you leave?"

"a woman was being attacked," he responded immediately, "a few miles from the inn. she called my name."

"and do you think y/n would have forgiven you if you'd ignored a woman in need to continue watching over them?"

xiao felt his throat dry at this. it was true—even without the added stipulation of the woman being your friend, you would've been distraught to learn that he'd ignored someone's plea for help to keep watch over you.

but the one time he'd lost sight of you was the one time you'd needed him most.

you hadn't even been able to call for him.

a sadistic part of him wished he'd kept the man alive, if only to make him suffer further, but he knew that would bring him nothing more than a brief, fleeting feeling of satisfaction. it wouldn't change what had happened, and it wouldn't leave you any less scarred by the event.

"come," zhongli said after xiao had been given sufficient time to stew in his own thoughts, "you should be with them when they wake."

when he finally fought past the guilt clouding his mind and entered the pharmacy, you were still unconscious. baizhu explained the effects of the drug to him quickly—in small doses, it caused drowsiness and fatigue. A higher dose could render someone unconscious—much like the state that you were in now. xiao knew anger was still radiating from him, but he couldn't find the energy to try and hide it. how dare someone do this to you. they had no right to even look at you.

"xiao?"

a whisper of his name broke him from his thoughts, and he bent towards you with a gentle hand on your cheek.

"i'm here."

your smile made most of his anger drain away, and he did his best to return it. he knew he hadn't convinced you—you always seemed to see through his attempts to feigning emotions. you showed him mercy this time, likely too exhausted to do much more than keep your eyes open. xiao sat in the chair at your bedside and took your hand in his.

you closed your eyes again at his familiar touch, letting yourself drift off with the knowledge that you were safe.

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bangytell · 11 months ago

Text

jk | m

Santa, tell me if you're really there Don't make me fall in love again If he won't be here next year. Santa, tell me — Ariana Grande

Summary: After the holidays, your new boyfriend gives you more than enough reasons to know he wants you.

Genre: Friends to lovers, smut

Rated: mature

Pairing: Jungkook x f!reader

Word Count: 1.4 k

Warnings: non idol au! Pet names (here we go again), jealousy, thristing over Jungkook, oral (fem! receive), degradation kink? unprotected sex, creampie, double orgasm and pussy drunk Jungkook

a/n: Here's a second part of my soo dear brother's best friend, just some smut cause we all love it, and have a merry christmas !!!

Having Jungkook as your now boyfriend had you in pure bliss, everything with him was feeling so perfect, the last two months of holiday break were a daydream, reality came to you when you started to talk about your university routine, Jungkook had too many of extracurricular activities and not so many of free time.

“Don't worry, love, I'm sure we'll make it work” he caresses your face and gifts you a peck on the nose

But you were so unsure. Something in the inside of your stomach made you… anxious.

Jungkook was so attractive and the ability to do every little task so smoothly and perfectly had the attention of almost if not every girl in school and you both were so newlyweds you were unsure if he would maintain that decision of being with you.

Surely you didn't have all your schedule full of activities, you weren't so popular, your only friend being Ava, other than Jungkook and your brother. As you watched another series together a week before classes began and you were snuggled in the cup of Jungkook's neck as he caressed your hair, you were anxiously thinking and fidgeting your fingers.

“I can hear your thoughts love” You chuckle

“ Don’ worry baby” he hums and pauses the tv show

“Tell me what your earworm is eating inside” you giggle and sigh feeling uncertain as if you should let your overthinking got the best in you, with a smile you gaze upon him from his chest and shake your head in deny

He didn't push you any further, knowing that it was something that you'll tell him, eventually, or he thought you would.

After classes, Jungkook has boxing training. He invites you over, and since you have to do your routine, you do attend.

After his instructor gives a few shouting with instructions you notice a girl, no more taller than you with a beautiful long hair in a high ponytail asking something to your boyfriend and then pointing out her gloves, he gaze at you, as expecting for approval and you shrug your elbows, the girl suddenly has a pout and she walks away, with her gloves in hand, the rejection gave you a wave of confidence.

You see him as his hands punch the punching bag, and the way his muscles flexes and how the drip of sweat fall of his forehead as his long black hair sticks to his neck, barely letting him see in front of him, he looks even feral and something in your core makes your heart pounding heavy in your heart and you're sure that if you were alone you'll definitely pull his shorts off of him and make him cum undone by your mouth. He gazes at you, noticing the way you're looking at him, and he grins in satisfaction as he continues to release a punch here and there.

His class finishes, and then the instructor tells everyone to jump with the rope, and you're sure you're about to implosion if his body keeps moving like that in front of you. The class is over now and he approaches you, holding your waist, all full of sweat yet still smelling clean and so masculine, he pulls you to his warm body and kisses you softly but hungry, as if he had been deprived of you for so long.

“If you continue to drool for me in that way i dunno if I'll be able to let you finish your workout” you giggle as he pulls away from you

The rest of your workout continues smoothly, at the end the usual chit chat as he mentions the girl with the gloves, she wanted help, but he told her very politely he was busy already, when you get home you realize you're alone, you invite him over, and soon you're both walking towards your room. He sees the swings of your hips and the way the fabric hugs your body, once inside he pulls you to his body, kissing you hungrily as you cave in to his strokes in your body and the way his warm close to yours makes you a wombling mess.

He's taking off your clothes, in between wet kisses and gasps from feeling the cold air.

He's golding your body, not stepping away from the door, each cloth already on the floor and he's kissing his way down to your neck, his hand caresses your breasts and you're moaning his name as you're trembling as your aching pussy feels neglected.

“Such a needy slut” you moan his name and he kneel in front of you, looking up and you gasp as he licks the nub of nerves, you loll your head back and he hums and you feel the vibration in your cunt, soon you have one digit into your pussy and its becoming really hard for you to stay standing up, his hands maintain your legs in place and your hand is making swirls into his long locks.

Hes sucking and licking, bullying your pussy with two fingers now and you can't do more than moan and gasp saying his name as a prayer.

“Look at you, all tear apart for me” he grins and continues his pace as you feel yourself gettin closer to your orgasm

“ ‘m coming Jungkook! oh… fuck!” your body trembles and he keeps you in place as he sucks and licks the milky secretion leaving your slutty hole.

“C’mon baby I haven't even fucked you yet” he helps you get in fours at the edge of the bed, you keep your ass up and your face is buried in your bed, at the sight Jungkook discharges his sweatpants and boxers and he can't seem to focus, he begins to slide his tip onto your folds, and he adores the way you're moaning, he loves the sight of your dripping and bullied cunt.

He lets out a groan as he buries himself into your cunt, you gasp and he holds your hips as he begins to thrust into you

“I know you were jealous of that girl at the gym…” he groans again as his thrust become slower and he leaves a trail of kisses onto your back. “But I can only think of you, and your slutty little hole all tight and pretty for me” you moan as his pace quickens he pulls you and now you're holding with your hands as he cups your breasts with one hand and he adores to watch them bounce.

He leaves wet kisses onto your neck and you're with nothing on your mind as one of his hands goes to your clit, the fact that he's doing you raw and that his soft thumb is massaging your clit in circles is making you more that a mess, all dumb for him, only and ever him

“Jungkook! ‘m close so close!” you shout and moan as your orgasm hits you again.

He feels the way your body trembles and the way your cunt is almost sucking him in it makes him cum with a guttural sound, he moans your name and his cum and your own is dripping as he slips out of your cunt.

You let your body fall in your bed as he leaves to your personal bathroom, you close your eyes, sigh in blissfulness and when you open your eyes again you notice him with a towel, cleaning the mixture of fluids.

He smiles and you do too.

“I went raw, I'm sorry” you shake your head in deny

“No worries, I'm on the pill” he kneels and you giggle

“Why didn't you… told me sooner” you chuckle and he does too as his ears and cheeks turn crimson

“How can you call me a slut in a moment and the other your flushing for cumming inside of me” he laughs as he sees you grabbing your clothes

“Well you know”

After getting dressed, you cuddle, he caresses your hair and leaves soft pecks at your temple.

“You know I was afraid you'd leave me when we started classes” he looks confused

“Why 's that?” you chuckle

“Well, you're very popular, and good looking, and your body is like a dream come true I mean, I didn't really thought you were going to still be with…me” he listens to you, and nods understanding your words

“I've waited so long to be with you, and I wouldn't hurt you, that's a promise” he kisses you, softly as you open your mouth and with your tongue open your way to his

“I promise we'll be together as long as you allow me”

After that statement, you knew he could be the partner you'll like to maintain for the rest of your life, and who knows, maybe you would.

<<before

masterlist

©️bangytell, please do not copy or steal my work. Any translation can’t be done. This is the only way to read it.

#bts fanfic #bts imagines #bts scenarios #bts drabble #bts maknae line #jungkook smut #jungkook x you #jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook imagine #jeon jungkook fanfic #jeon jungkook

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lovelyyandereaddictionpoint · 9 months ago

Note

Yo if the requests are closes ignore this!

Can you do the Housewardens with a fem!Mc wth the powers and personality from Denji from Chainsaw Man? (Like the other one you did)

Please and thank you! <3

I love your writing

Thank you so much! I'll do a few! 🖤🖤🖤🖤

Chainsaw Reader (2) | Yandere Twisted Wonderland

Leona Kingscholar

“I want to touch it so bad!”

“You should stop saying suspicious things so loudly.”

“Why not! Why should I hide that I looove touching your body parts?”

“Just say tail. Please.”

He finds your idiotic and loud personality to be problematic

He’s used to leading muscle-heads in his dorms that are motivated by pride, ego, or even personal gain

But only you

only you would ask to put your hand down his pants for compensation

He doesn’t mind

He just wishes you’d be a tad bit quieter

It also doesn’t help that you’re able to turn into a chainsaw demon

Which is fine, if it didn’t make taming you any easier

But once he’s got the hang of it your time, your attention, and one day your heart belongs to him

“Oi (Y/n), You’re chainsaw form is pretty scary right?”

“Yeah why?”

“Just want to see…will those herbivores be so happy to kiss up to you if you showed them the real you?”

“I dunno.”

“Let’s find out then.”

“What makes you think I’m going to do that?”

“I’ll let you motorboat my pecks.”

“Done.”

He loves when you get rid of the herbivores for him

And puts you on his level of a true predator

Too bad your motivation is just so flimsy

“It’s fine I’ll make it work long enough until they can’t leave.”

Idia Shroud

“Aaaaagghhgh!!! Your like a customizable MMO RPG skin!”

“Gee thanks you - - have skin too?”

“Thanks?”

Is torn between being horrified and beyond enamored

Move aside vampire/werewolf love stories he’s in love with a chainsaw!

When he gets past his initial fear

He dives right into studying

Checking your arms for the scars from your regenerative ability

Or bashedly admiring the drawstring on your chest

“Oh wow….you’re so–your chest is just–”

“Cool? “

“AHEM! Uh yes…the width is very uhm nice!”

He’s also amazed at how little it takes to get your attention

But realizing it he can’t fall behind the others who so easily prop their bodies up as compensation

It does help that he monitors his rivals online activity but still

He’ll beat them

“Sorry Ortho this mission is rated M for mature and this solo mission is going to decide whether I win the chainsaw’s heart!”

“Yay! Good luck brother!”

“Thank you! Now where is that maid outfit?”

#yandere x you #lovelyyandereaddictionpoint #yanderexrea #yandere x reader #yandere twisted wonderland #yandere twst #yandere twst x reader #yanderes #yandere #yandere leona kingscholar #yandere leona x reader #yandere leona kingscholar x reader #yandere idia shroud #yandere idia x reader #yandere idia shroud x reader #yandere idia #yandere leona

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ghoulfuckersincorporated · 6 months ago

Note

Had a terribly great thought! The Ghoul and reader traveling together. She's a brat but loyal as a dog to that man. They get into a pretty bad fight and she storms off and he's too proud to follow after her, struggling with coming to terms that he's actually soft for her even though he's mean as hell. She finds him some days later, with her tail tucked between her legs. He's not surprised, comparing her to a female dog often. 👀 still, he's going to make sure she's sorry. Lots of groveling on her part, maybe some face slapping, boot licking, he gets off, she doesn't. Ends with her in his lap. Hair petting and praise for coming back to who she belongs to.

As A Dog

Pairing: Cooper Howard/The Ghoul x Female Reader

Word Count: 7,085

Warnings: smut (18+), DEAD DOVE: DO NOT EAT, Jealous!Cooper, canon-typical violence, intimacy issues, angst, insecurity, slightly fucked conceptions of love and loyalty, pet play-ish activity, hard drug use, forced intoxication, shotgunning, slapping, boot licking, oral sex (male receiving), face fucking, rough sex, riding, cannibalistic thoughts, orgasm denial (female), breeding kink, creampie.

Notes: I had several pieces in line in front of this one and then this prompt reached through my screen, sunk its teeth into my brain, and shook me until this came out. It really is a terribly great thought. Tagging heavy, since the themes/Cooper's mentality may be triggering for some. It is what it says on the can, folks.

I dunno what unholy demon you've unleashed on me here, Anon. But bless you for it. Another Coop POV because I have a problem. Thanks for the patience on this one; I've been doing some admin stuff the last few days, including setting up an AO3 that you can find here, where I'll be uploading all the long-form stuff. Enjoy!

Cooper's trigger finger was itchier today than it had been for a long time.

He was fully aware that he'd never be able to stop every man left in the world from talking to his little vaultie companion, but boy, he sure would love to try. On an average day, he struggled to hold his tongue as she drove away her own sun-baked suitors, standing silently aside until called up to defend her, no matter how badly he wanted to reduce whomever was bothering her to nothing.

Today was a worse-than-average day, and the girl wasn't helping anything, herself.

"Are you gonna be ready to go any time soon, princess?" he asked her acerbically as she passed by him for the millionth time, tossing his current cigarette down to the ground.

He'd intended to stop at this shitty little settlement, little more than a dingy bighorner ranch at first glance, for a few minutes at most, just long enough to unload some things and check to see if they had any vials on hand. Here it was, nearly four hours of glad-handing and chit-chatting and unnecessary gun repairs later, and he was still leaning against the same crumbing wall, still angrily smoking. She was pushing it.

"Oh, be patient." she shot back, rolling her eyes as she turned to saunter back to the little ramshackle counter. "I'm waiting for my gun back and I was having a nice chat with the mechanic. Try to be pleasant for five minutes, would you?"

She was so full of shit, he thought as he snuffed the still-glowing smoke butt out beneath the toe of his boot with just a little more force than necessary. Typically, she shied away from male attention at her most demure, refusing to acknowledge most advances, playing innocent, playing dumb. The big doe eyes and soft voice didn't hurt on that front, but usually didn't deter the more steadfast predators.

He preferred the days where she had a little extra spitfire, when she told them clearly and loudly to fuck off, no doubt emboldened by having the rather intimidating ghoul hanging over her shoulder, silently encouraging her as she did it. In the past, she had proven that she wasn't above evoking his capacity for violence as a threat when the desert trash was persistent, and it gave him a thrill he couldn't identify, one that ruminated deep in his gut.

That same gut feeling was burning him now, eating a hole in his patience as he watched her listening attentively to the third scrawny young man who'd approached her as she waited around the repair hutch to yap her ear off. She nodded and smiled politely, even laughed from time to time (the sound of which made him want to shoot he kid between the eyes just for that), but kept a respectful distance. Clearly, she'd finally learned that the sort of over-friendliness that she'd been raised with in the vaults could be read differently up here. The young buck, however, continued to try and dance into her space as he spoke animatedly, and, eventually, she reached out and quickly touched his chest.

The old cowboy was stomping across the sand to her before he was even aware he was moving.

His logical brain could see very clearly what had happened: the boy had advanced into her space for the half-dozenth time and she'd put her palm out to gently rebuke him, distracting him from the rejection with a laugh at whatever he'd said. But that part of his brain was rather quiet after a long afternoon of watching her rather blatantly flirt with the asshole she was having repair her plasma pistol (something that she would typically have him do, since it wouldn't cost her anything, and he almost certainly could do with equal or superior adequacy), and letting every other little piss-ant farmhand in the next mile radius chat her up.

"We're hitting the road in five. Get your shit and let's go." he hissed to her, ignoring the little scowl she shot him as he interrupted her newest conversation with the willowy, greasy mechanic, who was sliding her her pistol back across the knotted wood of the semi-exposed countertop. Flashing him that brilliant smile, the one that he wanted to be only for him, she checked the thing over before tucking it back into the holster she kept on her hip, pushing a stash of caps in a metal tin back his way. The old cowboy watched with inflamed indignation as the fucker opened the box, dug out a massive handful, and tucked them back into her hands, letting his own linger across her skin as he placed them back into her palms.

Frankly, he was impressed he was able to let her drop the things back into her bag before he grabbed her by the arm, none too gently, and wordlessly began to yank her back down the road, back in the direction they'd originally been heading in. He could've shoved the damn things in himself and just dragged her along; it wasn't like he was unfamiliar with where she put them. The long, sleepless nights could be boring, and early on, he'd been curious enough about her to nose through her things once or thrice. That, like this, had been quite illuminating.

"Oh, you're being such a prick today!" she yelled, yanking at his grip in an attempt to free herself. He humored her, dropping her arm and turning to face her, unpleasantly surprised as the last farmhand she'd been chatting with, the one she'd touched, came running up.

"Hey, leave her alone!" he yelled. Or, he would have, if he'd had a chance to finish.

The sound of Cooper's rifle butt cracking into the kid's face was incredibly satisfying, collapsing him into a limp, useless pile on the ground, deep crimson pooling around where he lie face-down in the dirt. The girl didn't scream, probably surprised that he hadn't outright shot him, but her hands did fly to her mouth in a quick moment of silent shock before she kneeled to quickly check his pulse, rolling his ugly mug to face the sun. Blood poured from his obviously broken nose, leaving the old ghoul wiping at his face to cover the smirk it sent twitching across his lips.

"What did you do that for?!" she demanded, frustration clear in her voice.

"Oh, my apologies, sweetheart. Your little boyfriend there was trying to join a party he wasn't invited to." he replied, though she was clearly ignoring him in favor of turning the boy onto his side and examining him.

His little companion let out a huff, casting a look between the body on the ground and the little cluster of buildings they'd just left. After a moment, she grabbed him by the fabric of his shirt the best she could and began to drag him back towards where he'd come from. The ghoul watched her pull him about five feet, red and huffing by the time she made it there, rolling his eyes deeply.

"Leave him. He'll be fine."

"He won't be if no one comes over to collect him soon, and you know it." she snarled, and her tone sent him seething, snatching the kid up over his shoulder like a sack of spuds and stomping ahead of her, depositing him unceremoniously against the ranch's handmade sign before yanking her along with him once again.

"Y'know, if you'd have just gotten in and out like I told you, that wouldn't have happened." he said eventually, dropping her arm once more.

"Oh, fuck you!" she hissed. "I was trying to see if I could talk him down on the price. And sometimes people know useful things, you know!" she yelled, exasperation clear in her tone as she threw her arms up in the air.

She pretended to be ignorant, but clearly knew what he was upset about before he specified. Interesting.

"Oh, I'm sure. Y'know, I'd wondered how long it was gonna take you to start sellin' that little ass of yours. Figured it would be for something nicer than a pistol repair or some bad intel, at least." he sneered. He could feel himself slipping further from rationality.

"What are you talking about? It wasn't even like that!" she insisted, an edge of something more worrisome creeping into her voice.

"Quit playin' dumb, doll. You make it seem too easy." he said, watching her entire face light up bright red in frustration. She was tersely quiet for a minute, the gears in her head clearly turning hard and fast as she worked to contain herself and formulate a response at the same time.

"I'm sick of you getting pissed off and treating me like I'm the stupidest person you've ever met." she spat, eventually, madder than he'd ever seen her. "I'm sorry that I haven't spent enough bitter fucking years walking around the desert and killing things and being an asshole to know everything like you do, Coop. I'm sorry I still have human emotions and desires. My sincerest fucking apologies."

That was it: the argument had officially become about...something else.

Honestly, he'd assumed that she was going to leave him a few days back, when they'd stayed in a rare hotel room waiting for a bad dust storm to settle, the little thing getting just a tad too tipsy on some whiskey he'd given her before trying to kiss him. He'd rebuffed her, though not as gently as he wished he had, and, feeling bold, she'd pushed back with surprising fervor, basically demanding to know why he wouldn't kiss her more, why he wouldn't sleep with her.

True, he felt closer to her than he'd felt to anyone or anything in a long while, and he thought she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, but, as embarrassing as it was, the idea of being expected to perform sexually so suddenly made him feel a seizing sense of panic that he wasn't sure he'd ever felt before.

What he'd wanted to say was "I care about you so much, but I'm not sure I'm ready to take that step." Instead, what had come out was "Why are you buggin' me about this? I said no. Fuck off." followed by him storming out to spend several hours smoking in the decrepit, junk-walled-in parking lot.

When he'd returned, she'd been asleep, her poor face tear-swollen and red. He'd waited for her to rouse and hash it out with him, but she'd slept through the night, and, the next morning, didn't bring it up or seem amenable to discussing it. She hadn't seemed angry, necessarily, perhaps a little sad, but in the few days that had passed since, she had definitely been colder, poutier than usual.

It seemed, to him, that she was punishing him now for not doing what she'd wanted, and it was pissing him off.

It didn't matter that he hadn't fucked her yet, that he didn't feel ready to expose the most vulnerable parts of him, inside and out, so openly. She was his; she belonged to him and she knew it as much as he did. The fact that she was even still traveling with him after all this time, after what happened at the hotel that night, was proof. She proved it every single time she came back from one of her little stomp-offs every time he ticked her off, lacking the wherewithal to ever even move fully out of sight before slinking down to pout awhile, inevitably peeking out from whatever she was hiding behind to see if he was still there. Despite her lack of proper training, she was a loyal little bitch.

The fact that she suddenly didn't want to act accordingly sat entirely wrong in his mind, wriggled under his skin like when his stash ran low.

"All's I'm saying, princess," he growled, throwing out the nickname he knew she loathed once more, "is that you're too fucking friendly for your own good, and you shouldn't be shocked when it gets people hurt."

"Why would you give a shit who I'm friendly to, anyway?" she spat, suddenly pushing her way right into his bubble and sending him baring his teeth.

"I wouldn't. Didn't I made that clear enough the other night?"

He knew that this particular barb would hurt her, but he genuinely didn't expect what she did next.

"Alright, then." she said; her voice was trembling noticeably, as was her lower lip. With that, she snatched her backpack up from the ground, jammed her arms into the straps, turned, and began to walk back towards the way they'd come from. He watched her silently, waiting for her to duck back into the ranch, but she didn't; instead, she kept walking, as long as he could watch her, until she disappeared over the hill that fed into the horizon.

The old man watched her go, dumbfounded as she actually continued to walk instead of stopping as she always did. For a while, he hung around, waiting for her to come huffing back, but she still hadn't by the time the sun had fully sunk out of the sky. Eventually, he resumed moving himself, stopping after about a mile in their original planned direction, settling down for a grating night of looking out over the road at every little noise.

She'd never even looked back. He couldn't shake that thought from his mind as he sat there resting overnight. It was basically the only thought he had for hours, plaguing him as he puffed his inhaler and watched the world around him brighten with the rising sun.

When the next day started in full, he'd resolved to hit the road, to resume his travels as he would be resuming his existence before the girl had come along. Compared to how long he'd been exploring the desert solo, she'd been but a brief blip in his life, and there was no reason to fret so much over where she'd gone or what could happen to her without him around.

For some reason, he only covered about half the ground he would typically cover on a day like this, and he found himself beyond unreasonably frustrated...with himself. Nothing about the conditions was slowing him down; he didn't run into more trouble than usual, and he was fine on supplies, vials, but for some reason he found himself hypervigilant, looking for any excuse to move up high and scan the road with his binoculars.

By the time it was too dark to safely continue, he was seething once again, but at his weakness, at his cowardice. After he chose a tucked away little corner to settle down in for a few hours, he quite literally couldn't dig into his stash fast enough, doing line after line, hit after hit of whatever he had on him, until the horrible pain he felt behind his breastbone melted away into a familiar, soothing numbness.

But his numb mind liked to wander, and soon he found himself thinking about the softness of her voice, her skin, her lips against his that night...

And, quickly, he was back to pain and anger, but an irrational anger fueled by a far-more than reasonable dose of basically every kind of stimulant known to Wasteland man. This pain, too, was chased away with more and more chems, until he was so fucked up that he could barely keep his eyes focused and open.

She truly did plague him now, just as she had all the months she'd traveled with him. She plagued his thoughts at all points in the day, plagued his worries about the future, and even as he attempted to snort and huff himself free of the thought of her, she plagued him, dancing up along beside him in a quiet, stalking creep, watching him daintily from the end of the rotted log he sagged himself on, his back wedged against the large rock cluster behind him. At some point, he'd tugged his gloves off and shucked them somewhere nearby, leaving him feeling quite naked as his hands fretted with themselves absentmindedly. Against his will, he thought about running them through her hair like he'd wanted to for so long, and the unpleasant flip his stomach did made him sigh.

"I'm sorry." came a voice on the breeze, so much like hers. The visions of her were persistent, annoyingly so, the one staring hauntingly at him from the side really starting to unsettle him. He was no stranger to visual and auditory hallucinations when he was this far gone, but she was so solid-looking out of the corner of his eye, watching him so close. Judging him and what a fuck-up he was.

He squeezed his eyes shut hard, willing her away, willing himself to go back a few days and redo this entire thing differently.

"Aren't you...gonna say anything?" came the soft, timid voice once more, this time from beside him. Firmer, realer.

He narrowed his eyes in her ghostly direction, focusing as best as he could on her blurry, swimming visage.

"Huh. Didn't know that was really you."

When had she arrived, exactly? Fuck, he was dangerously gone if she'd been able to sneak up on him like that.

She frowned at that, leaning close and sizing him up with worrying eyes. Gingerly, she placed her palm on the back of his bare hand.

"Jeez, Cooper. How fucked up are you?" she asked, her tone sincere, almost apologetic.

Her glaring worry burned into him as judgment, harsh and stinging, and he struck out in response, yanking his hand away.

"Mind your fuckin' business." he slurred, forcing himself to sit up straight enough to point his full anger in her direction, growing with each passing moment. "Think you're better'n me? Hmm?"

He'd fully expected this to ignite another yelling match between the two of them, but she didn't scream back; instead, she quietly dropped her head, avoiding his eyes as she gazed around where he'd chosen to bed down. Truly, he was quite impressed she'd managed to find him at all, let alone in the dark. Turns out he was rubbing off on her even more than he'd thought. The idea left him bitter.

A big part of the anger he felt, the ugliest, most violent part, was the Jet; he knew this. The stuff had gotten him into more than his share of scuffles through the years, making him even meaner than usual, his sharp tongue exact and piercing. However, beneath the amphetamine fog, there was a nugget of true bitterness, an open wound of insecurity that pained him into lashing out when she tried to come close. He'd lashed out in such a way that night at the hotel, despite how hard he'd tried to hold back his sour words.

There was a fear there that he'd felt before, but never so strongly as when he'd watched her disappear over that hill. If she'd tried to leave over that relatively small argument, when would she try to leave again? He wasn't a pleasant man to be around, even when he actually tried to be, a lot of the time. Hell, he wasn't even pleasant to look at; if he'd been a giant prick in his old life, at the very least, he had been handsome.

Increasingly, since she'd come into his life, he tried to reach deep, deep into himself and pull out whatever remained of the old him, the one who was kind and hopeful and actually knew how to talk to women, but the process was infinitely more difficult and painful than he'd imagined.

She clearly wanted and needed intimacy from him, on more than one front, and the pressure of feeling like he couldn't give her what she needed was increasingly getting to him in a way that embarrassed him more than he could possibly say (not that he'd ever say it out loud). Centuries of time had passed, and yet, here he was, still dealing with the same anxieties and feelings of inadequacy that he had before, just dressed up in a new, uglier face.

When would he finally succeed in pushing her away, in frightening her away from him 'for her own good'? The walls around him had never failed him before, for better or worse.

Things were quiet between them as she fidgeted in her spot, the tension of an inescapable conversation in the air, but the desert's constant score, the hiss of sand across corroded asphalt, the soft rattle of the wind in the rocky hills, played on. His muddled ears played tricks on him, making him hear murmurs and distant gunshots and the crack of his rifle butt into that farmhand's face, but he tuned them out, focusing on her steadying, but increasingly heavy breathing, his eyes unable to leave her mouth..

He let himself drink in the fact that she really was there, sat on her knees in the dirt before him and already begging him for his forgiveness, for his acceptance; corporeal, flesh and blood and her sweet smell and that wet, warm place between her legs. Only in his drug-induced private fantasies had he felt it, but he knew he wanted to bury himself there, as deep as possible, and never let her pull away.

"I really am sorry, Coop." she whispered, those big, round eyes brimming with big, wet tears. It wasn't difficult to see her sincerity, even as he struggled to focus. But that hot coal of bitter anger still smoldered in his gut; not replaced by the lust he felt, but fed by it.

Slowly, his own movements labored under the weight of too many substances, he reached out and ran the thumb of his sullied glove along her smooth, smooth cheek. Smearing the trail of wetness there until he was tracing the outline of those pouty lips, he pushed it into her mouth.

"Prove it."

She let out a pitiful little retch, though whether it was from the taste of the incredibly filthy material, or because he was shoving her tongue back in her throat and gagging her with it, he didn't know. What he did know was that the sound made his cock twitch, which was already more blatant sexual desire than he'd felt in ages.

"How?" she asked, wiping at her mouth with the back of her hand as he pulled his own away. The wetness that trailed from his thumb, from her lips, made him feel feverish, and he quickly knotted his hand into the thick, soft hair at the back of her head, yanking her so close that their noses would've been touching, had he still had one. When her wide eyes met his, not so much as a sound escaping her lips at the sensation in her scalp, he finally gave in and harshly mashed his mouth to hers, swallowing the sigh that escaped her as he did.

Cooper was unsure how long they kissed, how long he plundered her swollen, eager mouth with his tongue before she stumbled onto her knees, pulling back slightly to pull air into her lungs. As she hovered there, eyes closed as she attempted to gather herself, he dug deep into the pocket of his duster and withdrew a Jet container, giving it a shake to prime it as she righted her breathing. Once she was steady once more, he cupped the back of her head again, bringing her to him and lifting it to her mouth. There was hesitation in her eyes, then disgust as the chem filled her lungs. It touched him with a twinge of amusement, knowing how badly the stuff tasted, watching her retch harder than before. He let her cough for a few seconds, allowing her a few half-cocked breaths of air before shoving the thing back between her lips and holding it down even longer.

By the time she managed to stop sputtering and drooling, he'd had a hit of his inhaler and started stroking his increasingly hard cock through his pants, watching her closely as she raised her now bleary, glassy eyes towards him. He waited for her to mouth off, to complain, to remark on anything that had happened, but instead, she sat there, unmoving, waiting for his instructions. She was the picture of obedience, but nevertheless, he could still see that glint of outrage behind her gaze, waiting to argue with him the moment she sensed an opportunity.

It pissed him off more than he thought possible, and, before he could even think to stop himself, he lashed out and slapped her across the face, the blow landing squarely in the center of her cheek and making her head turn away from him slightly. Surprising him again, she didn't make a sound, but she also didn't correct her head to look back at him.

Pulling a long drag off of the Jet inhaler himself, he held it deep in his lungs as he grabbed her by her long hair to kiss her again, exhaling the stuff right down into her lungs. She kissed him back until she choked on the sensation, leaning away to spew and cough more.

"Wanna prove you're sorry?" he hissed, his brain buzzing with the fresh hit as she leaned against his knee. "Clean my boots, vaultie. Show a little humility for once in your life."

His words were mean, meaner than he should be right now, but she didn't seem to register their full weight as she struggled to focus her eyes on the boots in question. When she lifted those dark, glassy pools back to his, he could see she knew what he meant, a heavy blush staining her cheeks and neck. Of course she knew what he meant; she was a smart girl, and her brain worked so much like his, even if she wouldn't freely admit it.

She looked up at him so dreamily through those thick lashes, though whether it was real affection in her eyes or simply the haze from all the Jet he'd forced down into her lungs, he couldn't tell.

In truth, his boots weren't as filthy as they could've been, as he'd cleaned the farmhand's blood off of them the night she'd taken off to get rid of the smell. But it wasn't about cleanliness; no, she'd humiliated him, her and her spoiled, entitled vault-dweller attitude, when she ran off, and he wanted to see her humiliate herself a little in kind.

The woman kneeling before him didn't hesitate as much as he'd thought she would, the red outline of his palm and fingers seeming to glow on her cheek in the dying firelight as she cast a vaguely-seeing glance around her, measuring her space before pulling herself into a sort of downward dog position, her round ass in the air as her marred cheek rested softly on the sandy ground. There was a moment of quiet tension as she seemed to study it, planning her approach before rather timidly leaning forward and running her tongue along the side, swiping a clean stripe across the tarnished black material from ball to toe. She gagged at first, likely from the dryness of the dust, but, again, she didn't complain.

He didn't have to tell her to clean the other boot; she did it with no prompting as soon as the first was finished, gagging less as she ran her pretty pink tongue all along the sullied, scuffed leather, and he couldn't believe how much it turned him on while equally failing to quell his indignation, his disappointment. Before she'd really finished her work, he yanked her up by her hair again; this time, she let out a slight yelp of surprise as he dropped her onto her ass, gesturing to her shabby, scavenged armor with one hand as the other began to wrestle his ammo belt, then his actual belt, open.

"Take that shit off."

Again, she did as he asked with only a moment's pause, placing all the little pieces of boiled leather and metal off to the side, her eyes flitting to him for a heartbeat before she proceeded with the rest of her clothes, quickly exposing herself completely. He could see her well in the moonlight, but not as well as he'd have liked, leaving her standing there, vulnerable and shivering ever-so-slightly as he took a good, long look at her. He was painfully hard at this point, desperate to have at least some minor relief from the confines of his trousers, but he was also uncharacteristically nervous at the idea of exposing himself to her this way. Beckoning her forward, he used her distraction as she kneeled once more to pull his cock free, grateful for the darkness and her weaker eyes.

"Suck me." he growled.

While he wasn't exactly pleased at how entirely fucked up he'd been going into this, he was sort of grateful that he couldn't feel almost anything with any vivid detail across the expanse of his body; the visual of her wrapping her dainty little fingers around him and obediently leaning down to take him into her mouth alone would have been enough to finish him if he'd have been able to feel her properly.

The way she went about it also seemed to indicate she wasn't entirely experienced, simply sliding her mouth down over his cock and setting to finding a pace that she could handle, as everything was surely spinning for her. For a while, he let her do so, fingers knotting into her hair again, before his patience wore thin and he began to push her head downwards, the sound of her gagging once more sending a thrill up his spine. Even with the numbness from the most recent hit seeping through him, he wasn't able to keep it up long before he yanked her back, taking in the drool hanging down from her swollen lips.

Cooper gave his spit-slicked cock a few firm tugs, hissing from between his worn teeth at her as he sat back, making room for her on his lap.

"Now get up here and show me you know who you belong to."

She didn't even look towards her bag, towards the condoms he knew she kept tucked deep inside her little toiletry pocket, as she quickly and sloppily pulled herself up into his lap. A part of him knew that he'd have stopped her if she did try to put one on him.

He tried so hard to not think of Barb as the pretty young thing on top of him began to sink down and envelop his cock in her heat, tried so hard to not feel guilty for giving himself to another, and he failed miserably. She felt heavenly, tighter and warmer and sweeter than he could've ever imagined, and he hated himself for how much he loved it, for how alive it made him feel when for so long he'd simply been existing. The choked noise that left his dry throat as the aching head of him fully breached her wasn't a sob, but he wouldn't have known what to call it.

It must've seemed to her, he thought, that he was forcing her to do all the work out of anger, wanting her to fully prove that she wanted him, that she was his; this was true, but he was also terrified, deep down, of how he would react if he allowed himself to freely touch her the way he wanted. He feared he would literally rip her limb from limb in his intoxicated state, sink his teeth into her pillowy flesh until it bled, tear a chunk off of her and swallow it so that she could be part of him forever.

He couldn't tell if the way she huffed and whimpered her way down his length was because she was high and hypersensitive or because she'd never been with a man this way before. That thought was quickly and harshly banished from his brain, however, his hands finding the plush fat of her hips, fingertips digging hard into the soft, supple flesh.

"Good pup." he breathed out when he eventually felt her ass rest on his thighs, fully sheathing him inside her.

The whimper she let out in response, her tight little clasp quivering around him as she clumsily reached out and braced her hands on his shoulders, made him throb hard, leaving him at least slightly grateful for his intoxication once again. If his numbed brain and body had been able to feel her fully, he knew he would've absolutely shot his load already.

Cooper struggled to stay still as she moved experimentally on top of him, lifting and lowering and grinding herself a few different ways before she found a rhythm that made him let out a throaty moan, the ghost of a smile flashing across her sleepy face as she rode away at him for a while.

What he really wanted, deep beneath all the unwanted feelings and unanswered questions about things he didn't want to think about right now, was to knock her up. For so long now he'd thought of her as his, and now that he'd claimed her, he wanted nothing more than to see her round and full to the brim of him. He wanted her to need him, to be completely dependent on him to provide for her and keep her safe.

He wanted her too vulnerable to get away from him.

On top of him, her movements were rapidly losing all coordination as her glossy, heavy eyelids drifted shut, her head nodding violently as she struggled to maintain her pace. He'd given her too much for someone who didn't use regularly, someone her size, and she was crashing out, falling asleep against her will right there. Poor thing.

He slapped her again, the sound ringing out across the vast, empty desert, watching closely as she startled back into a fully upright posture, her hips stilling for a moment before slowly beginning to churn again, her gaze unfocused.

"Mmm." she murmured groggily, leaning forward and placing her forehead against his shoulder, her arms winding around his neck as she tried her best to keep in some sort of motion.

This gesture, the way she cuddled up to him and sought comfort, support from him, even after the way he'd treated her, the fact that he'd literally just slapped her awake, was the only thing she'd done thus far that truly quelled the ugly, raging anger inside him.

"Thought this stuff was s'posed to wake you up." she sighed into the crook of his neck. She was entering the peak of her high, her body pitifully liquid against his chest as she clearly struggled to stay upright.

Personally, Cooper was reaching the un-fun part of his comedown, where everything started to feel grating and the mind began to uncloud, providing an increasingly painful level of clarity, but the senses remained muddled in a way that provided more discomfort than relief.

"Usually does. You had too much, baby." he responded, the mild chastisement in his tone doing a poor job of hiding the guilt behind it. His naked hands stroked reverently at her back, at the long, wind-swept hair that flowed down it, mindful to hold her so that she wouldn't lilt too far to one side as he attempted to soothe her.

Familiar with the unpleasant swimming sensation too much Jet could give you, he let her relax fully against him, the small sigh she let out one of gratitude as her whole body sagged even further. But she didn't stop grinding against him, probably out of some sort of pleasure for herself, he figured as he could feel her greedy insides tugging around him. He hid his grin again, this time in the crook of her neck as his hands found her hips once more, easily lifting her a few inches before dropping her down again, bouncing her on his cock as she rested.

Things went on like that for a spell, him bobbing and rocking her naked, lax body on top of his as she curled up on his shoulder, cooing and nodding off from time to time. As his high wore off, the sensitivity in his body was returning, and it made her feel more and more overwhelming as he continued to fuck her, her hot, wet little cunt leaking all over him as he continued to use her body to get himself off.

She seemed to be more conscious now than before, though barely, jostled awake by the increasing force of his thrusts up into her, bare breasts heaving with the movement. For a brief moment, he allowed himself to trace his lips down her chest, sealing them around her puffy, erect nipple and swiping his tongue along her slightly salty flesh. In response, her arms tightened around his neck, holding him on her breast as she clenched around him hard.

"Cooper." she whimpered, and that single little sound pushed him right into what felt like the most powerful orgasm he'd ever had, his fingers digging into her hips far too hard as he dropped her full weight onto him, grinding her down onto his cock and yanking her against him. His head dropped back, dead weight as he let out a feral snarl, tapering off into a throaty moan.

As he throbbed his gift up inside her, she squirmed at the feeling, tucking her bright red face into the side of his neck in what read as slight embarrassment, giving little huffs and whimpers as he continued to fill her. Another, smaller wave of guilt nagged at him as she clung to him, as he held her as close as he possibly could, struggling to regain control of his breathing; even if she'd had sex before, she'd never done this.

He held her as long as she could tolerate, her grip around him loosening slowly as she moved closer to real sleep. His girl was exhausted through and through, lightly snoozing against his chest.

For a few minutes, he let her rest uninterrupted, scanning her over to assess how badly he'd fucked up. She seemed fairly intact, though certainly more bruised than before. Eventually, he went digging into her bag, knowing (hoping) that she would have Radaway somewhere, and letting out a small sigh of relief when he found some jammed into the bottom.

Only one dose; he would have to find her more, and soon. This would be enough to see her through the next day, though, and he was pleasantly surprised to note that she wasn't showing even minor signs of radiation sickness as he found a vein in her arm, starting up the intravenous line to administer the thick, yellowed solution. Surprisingly, she didn't rouse fully when he slid the included needle into place, but she did begin to stir and groan mildly as the stuff began to effuse. Dimly, he remembered being given it when he'd been in the service, and how shitty it could make you feel.

Softly, he stroked her cheek with the backs of his bare knuckles before setting to jabbing her with a Stimpak from his bag around where she'd stuck some staples in her belly, making a note to ask her what had given her the several inches-long laceration he saw there.

He hesitated, though, when he moved to give her a dose of Med-X he'd dug out from the depths of his saddlebag. Most of the Wasteland's mind-rotting and pain-soothing substances were on the table for him, and in great amounts, but he hated the way the opiate made him sluggish and sleepy, reducing his accuracy in a fight significantly. The pain relief it provided wasn't worth it if he ended up dead anyway.

Smoothskins loved it, though, so he usually kept a few syringes on him for bartering purposes. Never did he think he'd be happy to give so much of his stash away for free.

He knew she must be hurting, or, she would be when she woke up, whenever that was. But he was hesitant to give her anything else, both for fear of how she would react, and, somewhat selfishly, because he knew a proper dose would make her sleep even longer, and he was desperate to actually get to speak with her again.

If she asked for the stuff, he'd give it to her. But...tomorrow. After they'd gotten a chance to discuss everything that had happened with cooler, more sober heads. After he was sure she wouldn't wake up in the morning and hate him for what he'd done to her.

His fingers played softly in her mussed hair as the indigo cover of night faded into the periwinkle of twilight, washing her nearly grey in his arms. She slept hard awhile, undisturbed until the awkward angle of her neck made him gently resettle her into a more comfortable-seeming position, letting her slip down until she was curled up in a ball on her side in his lap, her head supported in the crook of his elbow. Lying this way, he'd have to hold her up while she slept, but he found himself strangely excited at the prospect.

"M'sorry I ran away." she murmured suddenly after a long period of silence, readjusting herself in his lap to curl closer.

"I know, kid. I forgive you." he replied after a moment of hesitation, the words soft and strange as they formed on his lips. He petted her hair as gently as he could manage. "Did a good job findin' your way back to me, pup. Proud of you."

"Mmm. Please don't be mad at me." she echoed his own thoughts softly, so slurred as she finally began into unconsciousness that it was barely intelligible, her face buried in his side.

"I'm not." he said, fully, completely honest for once in his long life. He let his eyelids rest, his hand on his gun, ready to stop anyone who would try to ruin this quiet moment under the fading stars. "I promise. Now, get some sleep, pup. I know you came a long way today."

She sighed at that, as if to say "You have no idea." before flopping loosely into his arms, and was snoring lightly within a minute. He allowed himself a small smile at this, at how earnest and adorable she was.

"Good girl." he murmured.

#cooper howard #the ghoul #cooper howard smut #cooper howard x reader #cooper howard x you #fallout tv show #fallout prime #ghoulcy #vaultghoul #submission

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front-facing-pokemon · 3 months ago

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greetings, everygamer! it’s not often you see a text post from me with no asks attached to it, so what gives?

@front-facing-pokemon (this blog) is rapidly approaching its end! you may have noticed if you’re paying attention to the remaining pokémon in the pokédex, but we’ve only got like TEN DAYS before we reach the END of the pokédex and i have nothing left to post on this blog. yesterday, i queued up the FINAL pokémon in the national pokédex, and have thus RUN OUT of pokémon to queue up!

so what happens now? well, that’s up for you to decide! this is That One Post where you can drop all your suggestions as to what should happen to this blog once we reach the end of the national pokédex! i’ve already heard things such as redoing the whole pokédex but this time it’s shiny (top contender right now!), back-facing pokémon, and turning this into a poll blog, so those are already in the running! if you have any other ideas (that are pokémon-related, please—and if they stick to the theme of the blog [like shinydex], that’s even better)

once i get enough suggestions and filter through for the ones that i like or that are viable, i’ll make one final poll that will decide the fate of this blog. (personally, i think the shinydex is in the lead for me) until then, enjoy the remaining posts, and thanks for stickin' around for this bumpy ride!

and finally, because plenty of folks have asked, and i’ve kept it a secret for this long, i feel you all deserve to know!:

my main blog is @kinogassa. that’s breloom’s japanese name! subject to change, and i rarely use that blog to be QUITE honest with you. buuut, if enough of you still care, then maybe i will!

a lot of you who cared already managed to sniff it out back before i could comment on posts from sideblogs, so shoutouts to you guys! for everyone else, i hope it was worth the wait(?)

i think i’ve also gotten a few other suggestions like taking requests on specific angles or whatever but that changes the flow of the blog to being request-based as opposed to queue-based ’n i dunno how i feel about that

by the way, massive shoutouts to the pokémon models ripping project, without which this entire blog would not have been possible!

i can't think of anything else to say (for now), but i'll be more active and responsive in the coming days as we try to figure out where all of this is going. see you tomorrow for whatever comes next!

#not pkmn #in lieu of being too sappy. there's nothing really to be sappy about. i just posted some silly pictures and a few of you reblogged them #it's not like i'm gonna put a patreon or a ko-fi here or whatever the hell. i don't. have either of those. and it wouldn't make sense anywa #i generally have tried to keep this blog somewhat separate from myself for a while (to not let the fame go to my head‚ of course..!)#but it's. about to “end” technically so. might as well!#maybe i should make a discord server or something. how would everybody feel about that

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welldrawnfish · 7 months ago

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How do I know if I'm plural?

I recently started talking to myself as like, a way to reassure and encourage myself and stuff. Saying stuff like "you're fine, you didn't do anything wrong" or "Do you want to do X, Y, Z... Z? Alright, let's do Z then." And now I'm not sure if it's just a good coping strategy for me or if I might be plural?

Like I'm not sure sometimes if the person doing the reassuring and the person being reassured are the same person, y'know? And sometimes it feels almost like a kind of dialogue, but other times it just feels like I'm speaking into a void? Are we median? Am I only one gal? Dunno!

And idk what if I'm just trying to like. Appropriate plurality because I think it's neat or something. I know and see a lot of systems and genuinely do think plurality is rly cool so what if I'm just trying to be plural on some level. It always feels kinda deliberate when I talk to myself

Needless to say I am very lost and thinking about it is making my head hurt and my chest tighten. Sorry if this is a bit of a long ask you don't have to respond I'm just trying to find answers however I can

I'm a bit under the weather rn im sorry if this is loopy so I want to make a comic on this eventually, Im just no good at general infographics Plurality is vast, complex, and varied. So its hard to say yes or no based on this But heres the three rules I'll follow looking for plurality without typical DID/OSDD redflags 1. If you have opposing thoughts or morals appear in your thinking process, particularly after a stressful event. 2. If you have names, images, or other things associated with these reassuring voice 3. If people say you have different "modes" or literally say you act like a differnet person sometimes and its confusing. 4. If these voices in your head arent... yours. Its hard to explain, but I feel like those with plurality could explain. --- Ultimately if you want to find out if your plural, 1st.

Be ready if you are scared, might freakout, or are actively angry or upset at these thoughts, understand that if an alter can emerge, they wont if they are under threat. You have to be kind, ready to accept them, and most importantly ready to apologize the them if you were toxic before. They can tell if you are sincere. 2nd.

Look yourself in the mirror, ask to meet anybody in there, tell them Thank you for existing.

3rd.

Imagine yourself a headspace if you don't have one. This is an imaginary world that can be anything you want from vast universes to an empty void. But create a place to meet.

Meditate, create a place to see them, to meet them, to speak with them. Be patient, focus on breathing, focus on visualizing the space. Try to exist solely within that space. Invite them there, they might show 4. Be Ready. Plurality cannot be unseen once you see it, your life will never be the same. And ultimately it could be the best thing ever, but it can be incredibly hard, rocky, and bring up alot of trauma in your life. Be sure you want to explore this and are in a point of your life you are able to handle it.

-- If theres any advice from more educated systems let me know, im not the most educated here, these are just whats worked for me.

#plural system #actually plural #plurality #system stuff

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painted-bees · 6 months ago

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You know, if/when Margie ever goes to get assessed for ADHD or such, it'll be over some executive function-related failure on a project that she had hoped would prove to her that she can excel at things so long as she actually 'cares' about them. It'd be something music related for sure--maybe some kind of collaborative videogame music charity thing that some other online music nerds have organized together--I dunno what the indie online musician equivalent of a "zine" is lmfao

Like, it's not even a big prestige thing, and she's not getting any money from it--but it's an exciting project and she gets to compose covers of her favorite viddy game songs and have her music featured alongside other artists she enjoys. But--you know, there's a hard deadline. And there are certain expectations--she want's to make something good and memorable with this.

She gets started on it, and it's going well--well enough for her to be like, "great, I can come back to this later and I'll have it done no problem!" And then she forgets. And then she gets a reminder in her email that submissions are due by the end of the week. The email was sent on Monday, it's Thursday evening. She panics, and tries to put together the rest of the composition that same night, dismayed beyond words that she had put this thing off until literally the last minute. And it's not coming together, she had this great sound and idea in her head, and now it's failing to materialize for her. Her mounting frustration and panic has built up past being a helpful motivator, and is now actively sabotaging her efforts until she can't do anything but cry about it. It's 3 am, the work isn't done, it's isn't going to get done...she utterly failed. At this thing she's good at, that she wanted to do, that she was eager to be a part of.

Materially, she loses nothing by being like "well, I can ask for an extension, and if that's not possible then oh well." It wasn't a paid gig, it wasn't some huge, prestigious feature, there were no awards or accolades on the line, really. But it was supposed to be an easy thing she could do to remind herself that she's perfectly capable at completing things if she just--yanno--cares enoug, puts her mind to it and deems it worth her effort. It was supposed to be easy self-reassurance. And she failed.

and so she's crying in the wee hours of the morning over some small, unremarkable thing that she had chosen to do, for free, in her spare time because she hung all her confidence and self-worth on her ability to complete it in a manner that she could be proud of.

And Raf's the one holding her, trying to figure out how to impress on her that this whole fiasco is not...a suitable way of measuring her worth. Like--it's not proof that she's 'lazy'. This isn't what laziness looks like, this isn't what a "lack of care" or "lack of motivation" looks like. Ugly crying over a low-stakes, free-time, "for fun" project after forcing yourself to work fruitlessly through the night is...disordered. Like, Raf of all people, gets it. He completely understands lmao but it requires attention and help. It's not the first time he's suggested to Margie that she should book an assessment. He's offered to help her get the process started several times in the past. She's always been very "yeahhh...nah" about it. He figured it was because she was afraid of being told that there was something """wrong """ with her. Which--he empathized with a lot, and so never really pressed her about it.

But, over this specific event, it becomes clear that what Margie is most afraid of is hearing and knowing definitively that's there's nothing wrong with her. She worries that her inability to complete things on time, to remember things, to keep organized and clean and to prioritize things is just something everyone has to deal with, and they just care enough to deal with it properly--while she has somehow internalized that crying about it means she won't have to worry about it anymore. Maybe cuz she was spoiled growing up, like her parents use to suggest; that she was never truly forced to face the consequences of her inaction. And, for what ever reason, that'd mean she's just...a bad person.

And once Raf realizes that this is what has been keeping her away from getting assessed, he commits to fully pleading with her to get assessed, promising that no possible outcome will change his opinion of her at his very core. And it works. He's able to get a referral for her from his therapist, gets her booked, and over the course of three appointments, she goes through the assessment--feeling an undeterred mix of anxiety and shame all the while 'cus what if they just think "this girl walks in with a latte and a 'problem' but her real problem is that she has never experienced a real struggle in her life lol" or "she's exaggerating things just so she can get drugs, no way is anyone actually this stupid" or "this is a huge waste of time". That's not how it turns out, of course. Between the self assessment, the assessment she had to give to 3 trusted friends/family members to fill out, the IQ test, the cognitive ability tests, and whatever else happened during the dialogue between her and the psychologist--Margie gets her ADHD diagnosis and an autism diagnosis. She gets Raf to sit in with her while the psychologist goes over the results with her, 'cus she doesn't trust her ability to recite any of that information to him herself afterward lmao To her surprise (and to Raf's quiet, triumphant validation for calling it correctly), Margie's IQ is, apparently, a very sexy 136...but is undercut by remarkably low results on tests pertaining to certain cognitive abilities--to the point of qualifying as significant impairments.

On the list of treatments, medication is suggested as a footnote following a list of things including therapy, habit-building and behavioral exercises, dietary suggestions, and further reading suggestions. Which comes to her as a relief, because it's gonna take her a few more years before she's comfortable with the idea of medicating (imagining in her mind that one unfortunate unofficial Calvin and Hobbes comic that has made her fear losing her enthusiasm for her creative musical endeavors lmao). Until then though, the therapy is, perhaps, the most helpful treatment suggestion on that list. Aside from contributing to supportive mental/emotional/behavioral exercises--after the initial relief of "omg there WAS something wrong, I'm not just a bad, lazy, uncaring person!!"--the backlog of hurt that follows the "I needed help but they punished me instead" revelation provides a lot to work through.

#hi-note #magritte

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mxzyuu · 5 months ago

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Pat me on the head!

I've run out of energy to draw at the moment soooo I'll just put this idea out here. It's just a headcanon. This might get long, ahem

Kate who likes headpats. She doesn't realize it but it shows on her face.

The one who does this the most, I think, would be big bro Roger. A reward for being a great help in the lab. After a while of observation, the other guys would catch on and try to do the same.

Nevertheless, she melts just a lil bit at the touch. Her reaction in itself is satisfying, so at every chance they get, the guys just continued to pet her head. Well... not all guys.

Kate is confused. Everyone's hands keep touching her head out of nowhere. Is it to tease her height perhaps? She couldn't be that short, everybody's just so tall! this is me crying out to the world ༎ຶ⁠‿⁠༎ຶ I'm short af

Kate: w-what is it?

Jude just smacks the newspaper on her head.

Jude: ... 💥🗞️

Kate: Ah?! What was that for?!

Then there's Ellis facing a huge dilemma. He wants to pat her head, too, now that he knows it makes Kate happy. And he always wants to make her happy! But ohhh what to do, if he does so then it would activate his ability. So he's just there, standing and trembling, trying his best to hold back.

Kate: Are... are you alright?

Ellis: I'm sorry, Miss Kate :(

Kate: ???

Kate tries, well... tried, to avoid some hands, like Alfons', cuz he keeps trying to reach for the nape as well. Knowing his ability, it's better to be cautious or it could lead to some... things..

She has to be somewhat on guard around Elbert, too. It's not troublesome, really. His headpats are so comforting! As if he's cherishing a beloved treasure. But a moment too long might get her taken away and locked up. He hasn't stopped wondering if she's beautiful, you see. So before that happens, Kate tries to distract him to save herself

I imagine at least one guy who goes as far as ruffling Kate's hair into a mess. I dunno who, I just thought it would be cute. Or when her hair is up, someone would go and touch the lower back part of the head, by the hairline, and play with the baby hair there I could imagine William in this one, the man just does whatever he wants

So, after all that, Ellis found a loophole and figured out a way! Hurray!! He caresses Kate's ear instead🥹 She becomes too flushed and flustered to utter a word. The boy is surprised, he didn't think he would get this kind of reaction. Turns out this is a much more intimate gesture for Kate so she went poof and combusted. Then everybody found out and set their sights on a new target~

I ended up rambling a lot but it was fun letting my brain roll. I don't do scenarios nor fics so I can't exactly vision how the others would do it so I'll leave those to your imaginations😘

#ikevil #ikemen villains #ikemen mc #ikevil headcanons

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echantedtoon · 6 months ago

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Single Dad Michikatsu Au

This has been plauging my mind for a long time and I needed to get this off my chest. This takes place in a Kimetsu Gauken au and it's hilarious to me. It's basically Michikatsu just ending up being a single parent to many small kids.

It starts with Kaigaku. One day Muzan just shows just with a scrawny black haired boy shaking in his shoes and pushes him towards the bodyguard-

Muzan: "This is Kaigaku. He's going to be our informant inside the Academy's walls going forward."

Michikatsu: "Ah. That seems like a clever tactic-"

Muzan: "You're going to be sure he has all his accomodations and care."

Michikatsu:"...I beg pardon?"

He's stuck with the kid's childcare and upbringing from that day going forward. Kaigaku doesn't live with him, but he's seen with him multiple times whether it's parent teacher meetings with the Academy, training Kaigaku in good spying tactics, or if it's just a check up at his home.

However Kaigaku isn't the only one he cares for.

Yuichiro and Muichiro are in his custody. Muichiro and Yuichiro Tokito are related to Michikatsu and Yoriichi however Michikatsu's coworkers have no idea if the Tokito Twins are his cousins, nephews, or his children. If anyone asks he simply tells them some relatives passed away and that's how he ended up taking in the teenagers. Similar to Kaigaku he's always there for parent teacher meetings (despite how awkward it is having Muzan's bodyguard in the Academy) and he often shows up for important events for the twins.

He's there when Yuichiro wins prizes in his shogi championship games. (Since it's cannon both twins are good at Shogi and have made appearances on TV in KG) Or drives Muichiro and Yuichiro to the Ubuyashikis residence to tutor the children. Muzan has tried more than once to convince Michikatsu to get the boys to spy for him there but whether he refused or the twins choose not to do it is unknown. Everyone just knows that both boys are often picked up by a scary looking bodyguard.

And finally his two children from his divorce. (I dunno Michikatsu's wife's actually name but Harahime seems pretty popular in the fandom so I'll use that name to call her for this.) His marriage was one arranged by his father and Haruhimes parents. However it wasn't a very good marriage and they ended up getting a divorce after almost five years. Michikatsu got main custody of his two children a toddler son and a baby. So he often hires nannies and babysitters to watch his children while he's at work or he drops them off at Uncle Yoriichi and Aunt Uta's for the day. It's a shock to everyone seeing this big intimidating man pull up in his black top of the line SUV only to see him open the back door and start taking care of a toddler and baby in the back seat.

Everyone at his work is shocked when he walks in with a little tot on his hip, a baby strapped to his chest, and a diaper bag thrown over his shoulder.

Muzan: "...What is this?"

Michikatsu: "The boys have school activities, the daycare is closed, and all my usual babysitters are too busy today."

Muzan: "...That really doesn't answer my question!"

I'm debating on whether or not to add Y/n but if I do then they'll meet in a very funny but cute way. Like Y/n is a fast food worker or works in a bakery and one day Michikatsu just walks in with all his kids.

#Dad Kokushibo au #demon slayer #michikatsu tsugikuni #dad kokushibo #kokushibo x reader #kokushibo demon slayer #kny kokushibo #kokushibo #kokushibou #kokushibo x y/n #kokushibo x you #demon slayer michikatsu #michikatsu x reader #michikatsu #tsugikuni michikatsu #kny michikatsu #michikatsu x y/n

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system-of-a-feather · 6 months ago

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Full Integration, Final Fusion, Functional Multiplicitly, and General "Spirituality"

(Disclaimer: this is a very long post)

Heyyo, this is a bit of a hodgepodge of connected topics that I was thinking on this morning. For those that don't know, after like three months of being a really solid fused whole, we really decided that we needed to redivide back into our core parts to recenter, rebalance, and reorganize ourselves since our fused whole was loosing sight / vision of the "plot". We don't consider this "splitting" because we are still in - what we like to call "full integration" - and we don't really engage in much dissociation when we do this as the means of how we do this largely stems from the way we perceive, engage with, and view the concept of "self" and "identity." Our system highly values the mastery and art of a very fluid and ever changing sense of identity and self. This morning - thank you Chunn brain for batting our collective brain from the usual urge to get out of bed and get started with our day to give us time to really sit with our inner selves - we spent about an hour and a half and a small half hour nap just laying there thinking among ourselves and I wanted to share a few.

I think at the moment I am still mostly a fused whole and I had considered trying to go to Ray or Lin for them to write this, but it didn't feel right to go to Ray brain and Lin brain directly told me "Dude, this thought line started with Riku-dominant fused brain, trying to have someone else write it would be a disservice to the reflection. Let Riku or Riku-dominant fused brain do it, it's their thought." and you know, fair point. I think I'll use this post as a temporary "bye few thoughts" and love letter to our parts as a fused whole before leaving it to the individual specialists to do their things.

So introduction to this post aside, hello and temporary soon to be farewell before I choose to temporarily redivide into my main parts. Today is May 15, 2024 and I'm gonna document this a bit for when I come back whenever that is and kind of see if my fused-whole perspective and nature changes - mostly for myself. Online I go by Feathers, irl I just go by our chosen name.

I'm a (mostly, technically non-denominational independent, but most of my views and perspectives come from and align closely with) Zen Buddhist. I'm nonbinary vaguely transmasc (not really though?) intersex individual with the pronouns of they/them. I am extremely pro-endo and if I honestly felt like sticking around longer, I was thinking about writing a much more nuanced essay on tulpa-terminology discourse with my current reflections as a fused whole and as a pretty avid Buddhist but, unforunately, unless one of my parts still shares the same insight AND interest, that essay will have to wait for me to potentially be back (hey, Riku or Chunn might still want to who knows). I dunno what else to say, I love bird, Bleach, walking, driving, listening to music, video games, writing, art? I dunno man, I'm just me.

Documentation aside anyways, I gotta figure out where I want to start. I think I will actually piss my high-school English teachers off and start with the LAST thing in the title card. I might loose a lot of close minded white anti-endos here, but hey, if you are that close minded, then its your loss cause I'm just talking about late-stage recovery as a person with diagnosed DID that is considered polyfragmented. It's a fun conversation to have with other people with DID aiming for recovery so, if you're hell bent on hating people talking about plurality form a non-DID lens enough to disregard cool information, that's your loss. (Thank you XIV brain, crediting that to you for part of our goal today)

Buddhism, Spirituality, Plurality and Our Perspective of Full Integration

According to Buddhism, and one of the largest concepts and principles of Buddhism that we believe the most in and actively work to practice and cultivate the mindset of - is that the concept of "I" and the concept of a singular, distinct, and separate self from the world and others simply does not exist - only the experience and illusion of experience exists. I was talking about it with @quoigenicfromhell in DMs since they were interested in talking shop about Buddhism.

To save myself a whole effort of rewriting a discussion on how one can hold together the clear sensation of existing and being an individual with the idea and Buddhist understanding that the "self" does not exist, I'm going to copy a little bit of what I wrote in response to them. If it doesn't make sense cause its in a bit of Buddhist jargon, then oh well, I'm lazy, it's written for an audience that has done some reading and looking into Buddhist thought so RIP yall srry not srry (Thank you Chunn brain lol)

Honestly the development and understanding of holding those two things together (the non-self and non-existence with the clear experience of self and existence) is largely a lot of exploration on the understanding and respect for the experience without applying too much value or regard to said experience. Its kind of a hard thing to understand just based off of words alone and like all things Buddhism, its one of those sorts of things you really gotta sit on and explore in your own mental space, but like

The experience of self and personhood and existence is a denied concept in Buddhist thought, but its not a bad or incorrect thing, the experience of self and existence is kind of considered an inherent expression of life and the world and while its important to be cognicent that it is an illusion that can cause suffering and muddy an individuals ability to see Things As They Are, the experience and illusion of self is additionally an entirely natural thing to experience and is an important part of being able to, well, be

I kinda of personally perceive it kind of similarly to say a part in a system. Innately the part is not (at least in my experiences of systemhood) a literal entire separate being and thats an important thing to acknowledge for a number of reasons (life organization and direction, system accountability, etc) but its would also be incredibly foolish to completely ignore that the part operates, experiences themselves, and lives in the world (both inner and outer) as if they were an individual of their own

In the same sense that a part in a system can be seen both as an individual and a part of a whole / collective depending on what perspective and demands the moment needs. An individual can be seen both as the individual expression of a self informed by the arguably incorrect illusion of isolation OR as a part of the whole worlds expression depending on what serves the moment the best. I largely kind of see myself as part of a system that is the world much like I see my parts as part of a system that is "me". While the self may be an illusion, its not an experience that can be denied and it is an innate expression that in its own right can prove to be a great teacher So you deny the concept of a self but respect and revere the experience and innate natural expression of self

With that context in mind, while we do not believe in the concept of self and find that trying to seek out a concrete idea of a singular person and singular self in society is a source of extreme suffering, stress, and displeasure, we DEEPLY revere and honor the expression of self. As we see it, in a complete ideal and impossible the world would be in perfect harmony if we let the world express itself as it naturally does. We find that the experiences of self - in whatever form they take - are inherent and natural expressions of the world as a whole and to try to shape oneself to fit a specific image - may that be societally imposed or internally / personally imposed or a sense of envy or any sort of clinging or desire to a specific version / image of self - is a disrespect to the innate beauty found in the natural expression and a means of adding disharmony into the world.

As a result, our system and whole aims deeply, above almost all else to exist simply as we naturally would in any moment time to time. If we find that something we are doing with our sense of self is drawn and influenced too much on a "I should" or "I want" or "I wish" or "I hope" then we tend to pause, self reflect, and ask if we are actually existing in our natural state, or are we trying to fight against our natural state of self to fit into a self-imposed idea of what we "should be".

As a result of that, our system deeply values our flexibility, fluidity, and ability to change any aspect of ourselves, any opinion we hold, any identity label we consider, and our overall presentation in all ways and forms to a very high level. The desire to be consistent and predictable serves us little in simply practicing on "being" and finding the true and simply-run life that we want. That then results in why our system so casually flips around in system size, fusions, redivisions, how we refer to ourselves, etc. We find very little value in committing to labels and concepts and do whatever is natural for us.

Additionally, another large aspect of Buddhism our system deeply reveres and appreciates is the acknowledgement that there are "Buddhas" - or in less Jargon terms, potential for everything both internal and external to be teachers and guides into finding a sense of peace and simplicity in the world - and that it is deeply important to cultivating peace, happiness, and insight to actively always be seeking out the "Buddha" in everything and everyone. It's important to reflect, engage with, and talk with those "Buddhas" as they are the best and number one way to gain the insight that brings happiness and peace into life and removes excessive suffering and stress.

As many Buddhists agree (at least of the Mahayanan branches), everyone is inherently a Buddha because the world and everything is a Buddha. The only issue people have is that they can not connect, hear, and see clearly enough to be in that state due to a large number of human conditions - one large one being the aforementioned illusion of self.

Having lived my life as someone with DID and having gone through a lot of trauma therapy, self reflection, communication and coordination with my parts, and all that to the point we have reached functional multiplicity over a year plus ago and been able to hold a fully fused state for over three months, I feel like its a given to say that of ALL things in the world, the "Buddha nature" of my parts have been the best and most insightful teachers I've ever had. We revere each other's strengths and specialties greatly as each of us have taught the other great strengths, great understandings, great insights, and great appreciations that have collectively brought us so much peace and happiness. It's not to say any part is "enlightened" because each part is also deeply flawed and struggling in their own realms, but it is largely by working and talking and supporting one another and ACTIVELY looking to one another for insight and lessons about the world and our existence that we are able to reach a uniquely peaceful space.

For us, its an incredibly important practice - both for self care and in the art / spirituality of Buddhism - to regularly talk and engage with these specialized and uniquely-wise (and uniquely stupid - thank you XIV) parts of ourselves to gain deeper insight and overall understanding of ourselves and our place in the world.

In the same sense, it is why - despite being completely capable of operating as a fully fused whole - we regularly choose to INTENTIONALLY redivide into our parts. And no, its not us "splitting again" or even really throwing up any real level of dissociation / dissociative barriers. If anything, we usually do this through meditation and mindfulness.

It's a Buddhist practice, its not a mental disorder and its not stemming from the same mechanism's DID stems from. It might operate *based* on the foundation our history with DID stems from, but at this point in our healing, the way our system operates at functional multiplicity that is intentionally chosen to be that way AFTER reaching "final fusion" has a number of differences from how it operated before we reached general full integration.

Again, for those more familiar with the tulpa-terminology discussion, you might be able to see where I would have a long post delving into a highly nuanced and more middle-ground perspective of that syscourse from the paragraph above this one, but I'm gonna leave that cause I already know this post is long and it would detract from the purpose.

At this point, my system is mostly an "intentionally created one" to Western label standards. We personally do not see any significance or binary in plural VS singular people beyond it being a label some people identify with and not. Plural VS Singular is a false binary perpetuated in white, western, and european society and while I respect that perspective and view in a space that is primarily filled with white, western, and/or european individuals, I am going to firmly state that and expect you to give me that same respect. (and if you refuse to give me that same respect, then you are close minded and being very white / western lmao <- thank you XIV, again)

And so the other related but slightly different topic away from the more philosophical, esoteric, mysticism sounding topic of Buddhism...

Full Integration, Final Fusion, and Functional Multiplicitly

At this point, what we used to call "Wishiwashi Recovery" we kind of have taken to just calling "full integration" generally as a means of really breaking apart the suggested categorical and boxed binary of "final fusion" and "functional multiplicity" as our own experience and discussion with other systems at and near full integration have made us realize that the difference between functional multiplicity and final fusion is FAR more a spectrum than it is two seperate categories. Some systems stick to one end, some to the others, but the largest difference is in external and internal expression of the parts and less any fundamental or biological / clinical difference; at least not in terms of integration. (Note: Integration =/= Fusion; Integration is the general connectivity and accessibility of parts with less / limited / no dissociation)

It's a false binary to say Final Fusion or Functional Multiplicity and its why a lot of the "ones bad and ones good" syscourse is dumb. They're two heads of the same Doduo and they should be kissing. (JOKING, thank you Riku-Aya brain)

With that said, our system, as we've made clear, regularly and freely practices sliding and flying all over that spectrum as just how we like to engage with ourselves. We change between the two as we see fit and having spent probably like 9~ months in functional multiplicity and 3~ months in final fusion I wanted to share some pros and cons of both sides.

I would also like to put a disclaimer that this isn't meant to be "positives and why this side sucks" as much as it is the differences in life style according to our opinion and our experience. Both final fusion and functional multiplicity are absolutely WONDERFUL things overall and we love both states. If we got "stuck" in either, we would still be immensely happy. The purpose of this part is just to share certain differences in how we experience the two different ends. The Cons in these case are only "cons" relative to the "alternative" and not "to not ever reaching either"

Functional Multiplicity Pros:

A lot more clear and direct communication between parts internally that allows for a SHIT ton of internal banter, productive conversation about complex topic and perspectives from unique and diverse perspectives; the communication is a lot more intentional and a lot more in focus so its easier to properly sit and attend to the complex differences and sometimes conflicting directions

It's honestly just a lot of fun, not gonna lie. A lot more dramatic and extravagant expression + brain friends in a more overt sense

Easier to let certain parts of the brain take "breaks" - it's not the same as it is with not-fully-integrated DID but compared to Full Fusion, certain parts of the brain can "tune out" easier than not

More palatable to DID / OSDD spaces online

Easier to focus and use a wide variety of skills, interests, hobbies, and thinking patterns by simply just having a specialist part take their look at it

Generally easier to target specific boxes to look into as you process all the newly accessible memories and information from being highly / fully integrated

Final Fusion Pros:

Quick and a lot more inherent understanding of all parts on a general gut level without necessarily needing to fully think about everything and listen to every opinion and perspective; there is a lot more of an inherent understanding, trust, and awareness of the collective whole which makes decision making and seeing whats good for the system as a whole a lot easier

It's honestly way more calming, relaxing, and solid feeling. There is a unique sense of confidence, understanding, and trust within yourself and you have a HUGE arsenal of skills and interests that come from the combined parts that you've lived as

You are a lot more present and aware of your life and you actually get to live YOUR life and have all parts of yourself be engaged in life; no part feels really left behind or is caught off guard from having their brain partially turned off. The awareness is really present and engagement is so much more complete.

More palatable in real life and non-DID/OSDD spaces

Easier to simultaneously use skills from multiple parts at once; very much a jack of all trades all at once situation

Generally easier to integrate multiple complex and otherwise seemingly detatched boxes of memory and the past as you process all the newly accessible memories and information from being highly / fully integrated

Functional Multiplicity Cons:

Takes more intention, focus, and often time to get the same level of full understanding of the whole system when making decisions. It can be slow and it requires a lot more internal engagement which can make it harder to be fully present in life

Sometimes you can get what I call "lite" amnesia where a part was not paying attention and doesn't fully process what was going on / what is going on and so sometimes you get poor attention-driven "amnesia". It's small and easily recovered by simply going "hold up wait" and thinking back or asking another part

Harder to use skills from different parts at the same time; albeit definitely still possible and only "harder" relative to final fusion

Generally harder / requires intentional discussion between parts to integrate multiple complex boxes as you process all the newly accessible memories and information from being highly / fully integrated

Final Fusion Cons:

Less direct and overt bantering and discussion between parts (still present by the way, just less frequent and less overt). It can be a little less fun (still is fun cause they are sill there) and it can be a bit harder to fully see the extent of a more extreme perspective

It can be tiring and overwhelming to be aware and present so much for so long if you were accustomed to the breaks DID / OSDD tends to give parts

Easier to forget to use a lot of the skills and hobbies that may have been more niche to less-dominant and less-prominent parts; you don't "loose" the skills, you just aren't accustomed to using them as much so you can just kinda forget to use them

Harder to focus on a targetted recovered memory / information that you want to process and can sometimes be a bit overwhelming trying to connect a number of things at once

And this is all just to say that both are absolutely astonishing and great places to mentally be. The main point is that - for us - sometimes one state works better for us in the moment and another state works better for us later and that's completely cool cause - as aforementioned - the difference between plural vs singular is not a binary one for us anyways.

Anyways, I don't know how to wrap this up so I'mma just post it

Ideally today we will focus on cultivating our independent parts and return to Functional Multiplicity end of the spectrum so I guess tata for now

-Feathers

EDIT and PS: Anyone is allowed to add their thoughts to this so long it is in good faith.

#feathers speaks #functional mulitplicity #final fusion #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #syscourse #syscourse tw #tulpacourse #tulpacourse tw #full integration #buddhism #long post

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