#dont tell me what to do im sinking
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have fun, don't drown
Q♥️,4♣️,5♣️,4♦️,6♠️,7♠️,8♠️
♥️ ♣️ Send a playing card to my ask box! ♦️ ♠️ (ACCEPTING)
Who is someone special that your muse always thinks about?
does he have to pick one when there's 11 handsome lads around him.... Clan members ofc!
What does your muse have the most passion for?
hot guys!!! im not even kidding lmao, his designs too and of course everyone close to him.
What would your muse change about their current lifestyle?
Err, always wanting calm down with how busy he can get but when he's got job he tends to get like that... But that said he'd like to spend more time with his little brother (ofc he regularly sees Yuuji though!) and then just makes more time for friends.
Fix issues when there is some?
In isola YOU KNOW THIS Qman....
In his homeworld there is no one over another, it seems like his relationships mostly ended with having too different goals and just growing apart, etc. pretty mundane reasons sounding a lot like commitment issues, it doesn't sound like there was much fighting or anything though but really nothing out of ordinary mentioned.
Is your muse more of the patient or instant gratification type?
Eiden's patient type, he likes to take his time but also ah with sex he might sometimes get impatient if he's really feeling it hehe.... But just in general, yeah he's more patient type, saving etc. traces from his life of living alone. Takes his time with people too. He's got the latter side in him too when he's being really indulgent though.
Does your muse believe in fate/destiny?
No not particularly, he's more of ' everyone's their own master' in that sense thinking that while there is lots of things out of one's control you can craft your own way and there is no set path to it. Can't take things for granted.
What’s a hard truth that your muse has to learn/has learned?
Big changes come slow and that there'll be always cruel people out there too as much as there's kind and compassionate one's.
What does your muse work the hardest for?
For those nearby him of course!! Also literally any project he's taking part in he puts his whole heart into - he just pours his everything in for things and people he cares about.
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theres just something about being inherently unworthy of love
#the cycle of i need to make friends. i need attention. why would someone bother with me? i dont have anything to give. are we friends? why#arent you paying attention to me? tell me that you love me. but it could never be sincere towards someone like me. i cant be loved.#love isnt real. i am love. i am the only one who loves. it hurts. why cant i be loved? is anyone else real? is this a dream? am i dead? is#this hell? whats real is fake and whats fake is real. its wonderland. rabbits talk cookies make you big or small everyone is so confusing.#do others love me or hate me or feel indifferent? it seems to switch as random. one day you'll adore me the next its as if we never met. and#i have to keep making friends. i cant keep making friends. if i dont i'll end up with no friends. i dont know how to make more friends.#clinging to bubbles floating up scrambling to catch another as it pops so you dont fall. everyone blends together whats what whos who?#in the span of a few years i feel like an immortal tortured with the despair of outliving all their relationships#except everyone is perfectly alive just out of reach. but i cant just talk to people. thats bad. no one wants me. i cant do that to someone.#every bubble pops at some point. i cant find anything sturdier. fleeting bursts of attention are ok for now#but i cant even get that. so what do i do? i want to sacrifice myself to make people like me but i have nothing left to give.#whats the point of me? if i cant love and be loved if i cant find more than a few people who will stay for more than a second. what do i#have to do? please tell me what you want. i'm sure i can do it somehow. can i do it somehow? i cant. i cant. i cant anymore. im sorry. just#forget about me. you dont need me. youll be happier when you dont even know who i am anymore. i can disappear without a trace for you. thats#all i can do. take the weight off our shoulders. im just using you if you think about it anyways. to feed my own selfish desire for love i#never deserved. keep myself afloat while i drag you down. isnt it time for me to sink? in a shark attack punch it in the gills. youll be ok.#more than ok. free. i didnt want to bite your leg but i just needed something anything. i dont know any better and i never will. thats why i#belong in the depths where i cant hurt anyone. i cant do anything but hurt. what more am i good for? what more have i done? what have i done#for you? think about it. think about it. think about it. think about it. think about it. think about it. think about it. think about it.#its nothing.
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seems like my heart does nothing but break lately
#oh my god dont read the tags. it breaks for everyone :( but on a more personal level#for my gf whos sinking deeper into something n i cant even help bc im a wreck myself but i am so so scared to lose her#still havent even been able to book a psych appointment n i rlly dont know where to go with all these ..em*tions#Guys i rlly dont understand one thing. how come one random freak whos in ur life at some point can derail a whole person like eons later#jeopardise their whole future just by crossing some lines for funz i really dont understand this#not fair not fair at all this is evil#and becasue u got unlucky someone wanted to be disgusting u have to carry the consequences#i rly still cant even say it i still cant even write it#i dont even know how . irl the only perosn i told in some capacity#is dealing with her own trauma and i hate that jsut being understanding is not enoughlike#Wow Lmao Its just Funny How it Shapes You. & U Can Never bury it forever becuz it will always catch up to you😂😂😂😂😂😂#AND THE PAST CAN NEVER BE ERASED 😃😃😁😁😂😂😂🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔪🔪#at least my gf has been taking steps to deal with it for.3 yrs and i just never even#LOL i feel like such a coward but the sh*me and the g**lt associated with the Thing..r so overwhelming i cant even admit it#what would i even do at the psych appointment like straight up what am i gonna say Lol#hai iam here to process something i dont actually remember probably becasue i was a child but imnot sure. n id rather#kms than tell u how i know 😂. So thats also why my heart breaks. for that little girl who was a ball of shame i guess and no matter#how much i cognitively.like rationally know its not my fault the ball of shame n guilt is still there#n it swallows me every time i vaguely start 2 think about acknowledging the Th*ng#or whatever. And thats just my end of the deal but my gf has it worse genuinely bc she remembers everything n still has to see the freak#n it went on for yrs n her family doesnt know n heres the worst thing hes a beloved family member a sweet boy with struggles of his own#well i hope he walks into traffic for doing what he did to her
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It's so weird having these hours where I'm getting more and more lucid knowing that I have to go back before long. I'll enjoy it while I can.
#my favorite professor friend is going to find what her cousin uses and has been on and tell me#i am thankful#sometimes it just really sinks in how much of a lose-lose situation this is#i need this thing out of me! its killing me#house md ass problem though. 'you must choose between painless bliss or actually doing things that matter'#like shut the blinds man. let me rot in a coma for a while. cant we find an inbetween?#dont get me wrong. much much better than the topamax#but right now im realizing how much its still taking from me#i ran a dnd session sunday and i know i could've done so much better but my mind and tongue are like dead tissue#i cant stay in this limbo forever
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re: that last reblog
I'm still. like I have... nothing yknow? which isn't like. unfamiliar to other mixed indigenous kids from parents born in the '60s but it's also like. I don't even have anything concrete from my white parentage. I have vague clues and ideas but. I'm 3rd generation here from that side of my family at least irt my grandfather, who's parents fled ??? during a war with him. and I know nothing abt my matertnal grandmother's family other than most of her close relatives are abusers/sex offenders/sided with the prev 2 options and I never got more info than that.
and if I don't know anything abt my dad and how he grew up. the most I know is he's Indigenous he was born in/around the 60s and if she is his bio mother my paternal grandmother was institutionalized. that's it! that's all I get! and it was second hand and gruff clipped answers on a car ride when i tried to confirm.
#i ask him and he says yeah my (direct blood relatives) are but the (surname)s have been English and Scottish as far back as i can tell!#and im like. okay. ok. cool. thanks. thats not what i asked? and then he ghosts me for months or years at a time. lol. lmao.#uuggghhhh#to do the work of connecting i have to actually branch out and speak to community and elders. i know this.#comma. however. i worked as a cashier for almost 2 years and didnt make a single friend there. so. like. thats how bad my SAD/GAD is.#screaming into a sink full of water.#i am capable of being so normal about this.#i dont blame him. i cant blame him#its not like its his FAULT its just. its his right how he chooses to self identify. it is. it is. but.#he. i mean its not like he was really in my life as a child. (thanks mum). so i also. hes not obligated to answer me past what hes already#told me. and its just. okay youre blood related to indigenous people. tell me more. please. (radio silence for a year.)#goofy floating in a fountain dot gif
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very :((( that i am deeply incapable of having a healthy relationship to gacha games but many good games and games for series i really really enjoy are locked behind being gachas
#i need to do something drastic i think. im so scared of ever doing an insane splurge again and its like...#i may have to genuinely shoot myself really hard in the foot and like. tell my mother to like look over my finances weekly.#so that way the shame of having to tell her what i bought will keep me humble#its an awful idea i know itll make me miserable but like the fact i dont have the spending money that id have for other hobbies#becwuse im sinking it all into fucking anime pngs#makes me so so so so miseryable#but im also not stopping playing those games. so.#lemon squeezy.txt
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oh yeah also almost forgot to post that one year ago today i moved out of utah. i went from constantly tired and 8ody Hurts Randomly All The Time and Gets New Minor Illnesses Monthly and Starting to get heart issues to like... i've only gotten sick once since i moved out. any pain i get is just from workin lots. ive gained TWENTY POUNDS(!!!) pro8a8ly more since i moved out (REALLY GOOD). i finally have irl friends :) and we go out shopping or to eat at least once a w33k, every other w33k X) literally every8ody in my store that i talk to loves me and is happy to s33 me and gives me compliments :D i kinda cant express how huge a deal it is for me to 8e a8le to Go Outside and TALK TO PEOPLE nevertheless MAKE FRIENDS WITH THEM!!! 8ut god this was kinda all i ever wanted? this was like the 8aseline thing? people are just as nice as i thought they'd 8e and my parents were wrong X) i am way more lova8le than anticip8ed even if i do get confused easy and am slow at some things people still WANT me there :D i have my own money now and can do whatever i want with it and i have :) a lot... in savings and i plan to learn to drive this year and move out next year or so!
LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS EASIER WHEN YOU DONT HAVE YOUR PARENTS 8REATHING DOWN YOUR NECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO HAPPY A FUCKING MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#clove rambles#personal#:') its 833n sinking in the past w33k and guh i cant convey how much good this has 8rought me#AND ALSO I CANT TELL YOU HOW MUCH OF MY HAPPINESS+SATISFACTION IS FROM HAVING MY MOIRAIL 8ACK#AND HOW MUCH OF IT IS FROM 8EING A8LE TO EXIST INDEPENDENTLY AND COMFORTA8LY#8ut x)))... mainly im just so happy to s33 people. and talk to them and 8e known 8y them#theres shitty people duh doy i literally work in food service i s33 them twice a w33k every w33k :)#8ut MAN they are soooooo not my first thought when im thinking a8t people.#people arent dangerous like my parents said or endlessly cruel like some ppl older than me said#people h8 that winter is lasting so long and they like my little cat pins on my apron#x) i could go on forever#as much as ive accomplished the last year theres still a lot to do that im nervous a8t @w@#i dont n33d to tell you how scared i was a8out my taxes omg (which i did! my return's coming soon :))#SO WISH ME THE 8EST OF LUCK WITH LEARNING TO DRIVE AND DOING MORE THINGS ON MY OWN XD#im kinda in the ppl Show/tell me how to do stuff stage-- oh thats another thing#everyone wants to help me so so so 8ad forever holy fuck. literally got kicked out of ma own house#and even still people were like is there anything i can do for you just let me know alright#people are just as 8ad at math as me when i come in early and ask em what 6 hours from 8;30 am is XD#OH AND IF YOUVE NEVER EXPERIENCED ANYTHING EVER!!! ITS SO EXCITING FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!!!!#IT MAKES PEOPLE SO EXCITED WHEN YOU SAY YOUVE NEVER 833N TO SOMETHING SIMPLE 8UT FUN THEYRE USED TO X)#so every single outing goes from just doing smth nice to OMG YOUVE NEVER 833N HERE 8EFORE?!#youve gotta try this and this and this and :D.... x) its realy nice. i coulkd go on 5ever
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fuck im having an insane dysphoric moment.
#i have a small mirror above my sink in my bathroom#and i was looking at myself in it after id gotten out of the shower#and there was a tiny bit of steam and i wasnt wearing my glasses#so everything was a bit hazy but still not that bad#and like... with the angle of the mirror#when i crossed my arms a certain way my chest looked entirely flat#and i got hit with an insane wave of dysphoria#and the thing is... i cant tell if this is going to be a moment i look back on and think 'how did i not know i was a man'#but when i think about it now i'm Not a man. at least not yet#but i just dont know what to do. whether it was just general dysphoria because i have an insanely curvy/'feminine' body#that i hate#and like dysphoria in just the fact that i have this body so people dont view me as nonbinary despite being out for almost a decade#or if this is like dysphoria because what if im a man and havent figured it out yet#and i know that ultimately it'll be okay#but it just doesnt feel that way yet#and that moment looking in the mirror still has my heart aching even now.#tree talks
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...
#bleh brian is not working. too much static#can't focus. i should sleep bc i gotta meet my boss at 8#but things i will also do tomorrow: call my fucking insurance to figure out how to use it#bc i have weird out of state insurance from my mum so like idk. but i gotta do it bc im gonna try to get an appointment with a psychiatrist#bc my brain needs psychiatric attention lol#but also the lab mate i went sampling with today recently got diagnosed with adhd and gave me the name of the plsce#and i was like tell me what ur symptoms r like. and like if i have adhd it would b the plot twist of my life#but also i have horrible horrible executive dysfunction issues and related to a lotta what she said so idk#its just that i guess adhd has always been framed around not being able to meet deadlines in school and stuff#and im like nah im good at meeting deadlines. im horriblly anxious and compulsive so i dont forget or miss deadlines or dates#but my apartment and life out of school are in shambles bc i just originated around one draining focus#and i just lay in bed and cry bc i cant clean my fucking apartment and my sink is becoming obstructed by clothes that for some reason i#cant move? like fucking i dont kno. i tend to associate my broken brain stuff to dyslexia#bc when i was tested they were like lol ur short term memory is fucking awful. very below average lmao#so i was like oh my brain is not wired right. cool. but i dunno. i just need someone to assess my brain and tell me what's wrong with it#like i dunno im still doubtful of adhd as the source but its at least more convincingly on my radar. i will doubt until i have a diagnosis#in hand lol. but gotta find psychiatrist 1st. so gotta call tomorrow#it will happen. i will make it happen#unless the day goes off thr rails lol#unrelated
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i think its probably a good and healthy use of your time to look through a trans persons blog to try to find out of they’re secretly a terf
#what could possibly go wrong?#/sarcasm#not saying this doesnt happen but i kinda get the itching feeling that this is one of those community destroying things my friends :))))))!#me when i decide trans ppl i dont like aremy entire enemy 100% always#yall really think terfs are able to swallow their pride long enough for the long con of pretending to be trans?#that thing they hate more than anything and see as purely disgusting and the source of degeneracy in our society?#ok#kinda doubt thats a frequent occurance enough for you to become a detective trying to sleuth out terfs in the trans community#hey-hey bud- maybe-- just maybe-- if you see a trans person psewing terfy sounding shit. maybe just address that#maybe just tell them they're posting terfy shit instead of. idk. calling their identity into question#as if you could ever know who is actually who they say they are online. get over yourself lmao.#literally doing the thing.#im out here calling trans ppl out all the time for the terfy shit they post w/o doubting their transness. its not hard.#i promise you do not know strangers online more than they know themselves and that 'sinking feeling' you get means jack shit tbqh.#expect the unexpected and dont assume shit and you'll end up much better off in these situations#lest it becomes obvious you were being transphobic and that person is 100% verifibly trans.
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screaming, tearing my hair out, sobbing face down on my bed
#so my ex-boyfriend left the temp housing place without cleaning up at all. The thing is we were still together when he left.#We broke up after he was gone and before I came back to the house. The sink is overflowing with dishes and he left stuff here even though he#moved over an hour away. The other person that was staying here also left all the dishes dirty. Its the temp housings community dishes so I#cant cook or eat now and I CANT DO DISHES RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I STILL ALMOST PASS OUT WHEN IM STANDING FOR TOO LONG?#which he knew about before he left the place. and so did the other person staying here because she was my cousin.#I'm disgusted by people. And I'm so hurt? We were going to stay together and he did that to me. And I know he wasnt planning on leaving me.#Because he left two items very important to him sitting on our bed.#One being his ushanka that he got while living in russia with his grandpas soviet pin still on it.#And two the blanket his children were wrapped in as babies.#He left so much stuff here when I asked him to take everything. But he made sure to take the food that was his/what he thought should be his#Im pretty sure that he took my only HDMI cord too and I dont know what else.#I still have all of his other stuff in a storage unit. I plan to give it back but unless he gives me atleast a day of notice I cant.#Im going to have to call my mom to ask her to help me clean this all up. I physically cant do it And I'm calling the housing department tmrw#I gotta tell them that they gotta make sure that people actually follow the contract because i cant fucking eat until my mom comes to help#Theres cameras in all the common areas including the kitchen that run 24/7 so why havent they done anything. The other person that lived#here already moved out and it was all recorded. I gotta put in a complaint or something. This is why I'm losing a dangerous amount of weight#because I cant eat especially since i had an abortion 2 weeks ago thats given me so many health issues#I couldnt walk or move for days without my vision going black and i had such severe pain I was in and out of the doctors office and the ER#Not to mention I couldnt breathe when I was standing/walking too. And then he just left everything for me to deal with.#and yes again WE WERE STILL TOGETHER WHEN HE LEFT#im so tired and hungry man this is fucking terrible.#tag vent#vent in tags#vent
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I am so fucking tired and still need to do the shopping
#im recovering from basically having a migraine the last two days#and our dryer broke in the middle of a cycle so i had to pull all the wet clothes out to hang dry#and i had to fry the chicken i meant to fry for dinner tuesday but didnt b/c of the mentioned migraine#and i had to hand wash a bunch of stuff in the sink from last weekend#and i still need to grocery shop and get gas and put my lunches together for work this weekend#and my bf is like 'why do you act like you have to do everything yourself'#idk man why dont you help out more w/o me explicitly telling you what needs doing#i asked him to look at the dryer last week and he said it was fine#and now look where we are
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Sweet Like Honey Buns
Tara had convinced you to buy some lingerie to wear for your man as a little ‘just because’ gift, but he walked in on you trying it on. Is he getting his gift early? A/N: ‼️MDNI‼️I'd give all of them their gift early no questions asked. [Requested by: tamaki-simp]
𝚉𝚊𝚢𝚗𝚎
[SFW]
utterly captivated seeing you in lingerie
shocked stock still doesn’t move an inch until you yell at him “Zayne!” ”Im sorry I-i’ll be out here”
is completely flustered when you stop him and ask him how you look “Well … what do you think?”
speechless at how good you look
“this was supposed to be a surprise, but you already saw it now” “…..” still speechless with hearts in his eyes
so stunned that he starts talking about irrelevant matters “You should lock your door its safer” “I noticed you have a few dishes still in your sink” “Your carpet could use a good vacuuming”
“Do you think I look weird?” “You look perfect my love”
once you can get him to focus he’s flustered showering you in compliments
although you're dressed in little to nothing he still focuses on your face while he praises you “You look ravishing my love” “You look stunning in anything that you wear”
kisses your knuckles before giving you another once over
subtly offers to buy you more
[NSFW]
his composure was already hanging on by a thread so when you kissed him as a thank you his mind went blank
picks you up by the waist and has a seat on the bed; settling you onto his lap so you’re straddling him
he’s gropping your tits immediately
“No no keep it on” when you try to take your bra off
pops one tit out so he can suck on it while he squeezes and gropes the other
reaches down to pull your panties to the side and is shocked to find them crotchless immediately slips in with ease
lays back and pistons his hips up into you while never taking his mouth off your titty
insatiable seeing you in this set that the only time he takes his mouth off your chest is to watch your pussy drip down his dick all while you lazily ride him with shaky legs
𝚁𝚊𝚏𝚊𝚢𝚎𝚕
[SFW]
“Is this what you invited me over for?” “You weren’t supposed to see this yet”
stands in the doorway and just admires you from afar
asks you to give him a little twirl once to the left another to the right and one more so he can see it from the back again
is jealous that Tara is the one who talked you into buying it instead of him
“will you buy more if I convince you?”
wants to go shopping with you next time to pick out more of course he'll pay for them
[NSFW]
has you give him one more twirl and stops you when youre backwards so he can slap your ass
“I'd let you do whatever you wanted to me dressed like this” “You already do that no matter what I wear” “yea but the difference is you’d be wearing this”
wants you to dominate him in this outfit
can’t help, but pull your body close to him as he grips your ass
wants you to keep it on the whole time “sit on my face”
“make me beg for it” as he eats it through the panties
lets you think you have all the power until he gets the first orgasm out of you then he’s flipping you on your back so he can see you sprawled out under him with this outfit on
“Raf I have to take these off if you want to put it in” “no you dont”
rips a hole in your panties just so he can slip in with ease
pussydrunk and is feral having you under him dressed like this
buys you crotchless lingerie sets afterwards
not stopping until you’re a double stuffed Twinkie and double iced toaster strudel that needs help walking to the bathroom
𝚇𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚎𝚛
[SFW]
“Did I intrude on you?” keeps his eyes cast downward
is a blushing mess when you tell him to look
“this was supposed to be a surprise” “trust me I'm incredibly surprised"
grabs your hand and spins you to see the full set
“you look gorgeous baby”
can’t help but run his hands up and down your waist
“did you only get one?”
asks what other sets you saw that you wanted so he can go buy them
can’t stop complimenting you to the point he’s rambling
[NSFW]
on his knees for you literally
my boy is trailing kisses down your chest and stomach until he is on his knees kissing and licking your pussy through the panties
once your knees start buckling he tells you to get against the wall, pulls your panties to the side and throws one leg over his shoulder
stares up at you while you cum in his mouth
picks you up and throws you on the bed
has to pop a titty out to suck on while he buries two fingers in you and gropes your other boob
“please let me buy you more of these” he pants as he fumbles with his zipper
ends up accidentally ripping your panties and proceeds to literally tear the entire set off of you “Xav this was expensive!” “I’ll reimburse you and buy you more now lay back”
𝚂𝚢𝚕𝚞𝚜
[SFW]
“and here I thought you couldn’t get anymore tempting”
not only stares, but circles you as he relishes in the sight before him
“was this the only one you wanted?” “everything was really expensive”
finds your bag and slips his black card in your wallet “shop to your hearts desire next time Princess”
showers you in praises
can’t help but fiddle with the lace “nice”
“you like it? it was supposed to be a surprise gift” he turns you toward a full body mirror and stands behind you hugging your waist “you’re stunning sweetie”
definitely taking you shopping to get more REAL SOON
wants to watch you model multiple sets now
[NSFW]
just looking at you already has his blood racing south you can feel his hard on pressing into your butt
“sweetie may I have my gift early?” he buries his face in your neck kissing and taking soft nips
rubs your pussy as he watches your reactions in the mirror, not letting his lips leave your neck
wants you to watch yourself in the mirror while he fingers you “look at how gorgeous you are”
wraps his other hand around your throat tilting your head back as your back arches making your tits look even better
has you cream (or squirt) on his fingers and sucks your juices off
grabs your wrist when you go to pull your soaked panties off “no keep it on, all of it”
pins you to the wall and hoist you up on his shoulders to eat you out
definitely gonna bend you over in front of the mirror; holding your arms behind your back telling you to keep your eyes on him in the mirror
peels you out of it once it’s significantly covered in his nut and your cream/juices
#love and deepspace#sylus love and deepspace#sylus#lnds sylus#love and deepspace sylus#lads#lads rafayel#lads xavier#lads zayne#lads smut#lads sylus#lnds rafayel#lnds zayne#lnds xavier#zayne love and deepspace#love and deepspace rafayel#xavier love and deepspace#lads x you#lads x reader#nikaaaaimagine
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.
#cant make it an Official List Item because. Reasons (yikes as fuck) but#yeah that about sums it up. Yikes As Fuck#unfortunately it seems persistent & there is more recent evidence to support the uhhhh almost-list-iteming#it's like 1 feature too like come on lmfao this is too easy pls raise the bar a little yeah?#especially since the reason for not list iteming is soooo extra fucked it should definitely cancel it out but here we are#sigmund do ur thing man i know you have some weird theory on this highly specific scenario#what a stupid combination of things for my brain to recognize as Yeah actually this is fantastic despite all logic & reason. Very Super Goo#i love it when the left and right hemispheres go to war it's so cool and fun and not annoying at all#honestly the less i know the worst it is so maybe if i just bit the bullet it could fuck off however that would be less exciting#hm#each day i sink to new lows. it's incredible really#how do u even make friends when ur interests are a clusterfuck of mismatched topics especially morally sketchy ones#i need to apply for weird jobs im definitely the person for some of them#or some outlet for being generally unconventional#pls dont tell me my only option is That Lady & her friends. we are not the same
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hope your ex burns tbh not only is it so fucked up but also manipulative as fuck kinda making it seem like you'd be dying to hurt them lol also kids?? with this line of thought your ex shouldn't even be allowed to drink much less be responsible for children
TRULY? HONESTLY? she was like ohh i dont know if i can commit to that and this and that bullshit. like ok so somehow being born like this WAS indeed my fault and i did it specifically to hurt you, who was born 4 years before me, who i wont meet for twenty whole years. yes that makes total sense. i gave myself this disease JUST to hurt you.
#another batshit thing she said to me. after telling her i literally cannot drive because my condition has made it so i have had multiple#surgeries on my one eye. ON. ON the eye BALL. and therefore im super light sensitive and THEREFORE would be super super fucking unsafe for#me to drive during the day (sun) and night (people who cant turn their fucking brights off) and she read all this and was like you cant jus#expect me to drive you around everywhere? like YES I FUCKING CAN? YOU WANT ME TO KILL MYSELF AND/OR OTHERS TRYING TO DRIVE MYSELF???#and then there was this other time where i was ''shutting down'' her suggestions to manage my depression. like go for a walk (outside. cant#be in the sun. live near a highway) or play online games (had horrible internet at the time. physically couldnt do that) and she got SO#fucking mad at me for shooting down her suggestions even though i wasnt doing that at all and giving valid reasons i could not do the thing#she was suggesting. and so i broke up with her! and i never got back together with her!#but oh my god she thought i did! and even though i told her multiple times that i made it clear we were not together and that i didnt feel#comfortable getting back together w her because she blew up on me over fucking nothing. she was like so you were just leading me on? you#dense cunt. i would not do that and the fact you have to ask if i would/was doing that proves you dont know shit about me#another time was when she told me. outright. knowing i am very uncomfortable w the topic. that she was going to. and i quote. 'cut the shit#out of my arms tonight' and then left the dm and didnt say shit for like half an hour. and im just over on my end panicking the fuck out of#my mind trying to reach her get any fucking message out of her begging her to fucking not. and then months later she was like heyyy um your#reaction to that moment was pretty toxic? i was having a meltdown and i literally couldnt respond to you in the moment. LIKE OK? YOU COULDV#SAID THAT IMMEDIATELY AFTER? NOT SAID THE INITIAL TRIGGERING THING TO BEGIN WITH?#she makes my fucking blood boil even to this day. there is so much more i could talk about but i think i have made my point crystal fucking#clear. like. you know what. did i deserve any of that? no. and im sorry for whoever has to deal with it next.#and we werent even together for a year. this all happened from december 21 to september 22. just let that sink in. just for a moment.#snail mail
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mature - Matt sturniolo
summary: where you and your boyfriend matt get into big fight, he knows how to make it up to you, even when you want nothing to do with him.
contains: mature!matt, angst, crying, yelling, fluff, arguing.
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11:56pm
i lay spread across the couch in my pretty white pyjamas, a small bowl of pretzels lay next to me as i watch youtube videos on the tv.
suddenly my peace gets interrupted.
“are you slow? why do you keep making a fucking mess of my house?” matt speaks up, walking into the living room, his eyebrows scrunched.
“what?” i instantly reply quietly,
he walks over to me and lifts up the bowl next to me,
“all of your shit, all over the house, is it that hard for you to pick it up? or do you need me to do that for you aswell.”
his voice isn’t loud, not even mad, but everything that comes out of his mouth is bitchy.
“excuse me? are you forgetting who cleans when you’re filming?” i raise my voice, standing up off the couch to be face to face with him.
he lets out a scoff, “don’t do a good job at it, do you?”
“don’t talk to me like that! you’re starting arguments for no reason!” i glare into matt’s eyes,
“baby, i’m not arguing with you, just try do better for me.” his tone is passive aggressive,
“i’m arguing with you! you can’t speak to me like that!” i yell, pointing my finger in his chest.
“you’re just a bit useless around the house, that’s all.” he says, staring into my eyes.
“no- let me rephrase, you’re just useless in general.” he follows up, my heart thumps against my ribs.
my hand collides with his cheek, slapping him, my eyes instantly widen.
he grabs my wrist, yanking me towards him.
��touch me again see what happens.” he warns, squeezing my wrist in his large hands,
my eyes water,
matt never gets mad at me, he treats me like an actual princess, he’s never made me upset, or cry, never raised his voice at me.
“you’re such an asshole!” i scream at him,
“go! go to the spare room i don’t want to see you!” he shouts back, his voice booming through the room, which is now warm from the heat of the argument.
my heart sinks as he yells,
“go! fuck out of here!”
i pause for a moment, tears blurring my vision, threatening to fall.
i nod, grabbing my phone off the couch and silently walking out of the room.
matt just watches me, his breathing heavy.
tears instantly start flowing, painting my flushed cheeks with warm tears.
i let out a loud strangled sob before reaching the spare bedroom, i walk into the room and slam the door behind me.
“are you crying?” matt calls out, followed by quick footsteps up the hallway.
i flop down onto the bed, burying my face into the pillow as all my emotions pour out of me.
my whole body shakes with each attempt of a breath.
i grab my soft animal on the bed and hold it close to me, clutching it as i cry.
matt opens the door with a small huff, before walking over next to the bed.
he rubs my back soothingly, “cmon, roll over onto your back.” he says softly
i shake my head with a sniffle, my tears dampening the pillow as i sob into it.
“i hate you!” i cry,
“i know, i know you do.” he says, running his fingers across my back,
“you’re so mean.” i sniff, my voice muffled by the pillow.
“i know, i was really mean to you, wasn’t i? and i didn’t mean any of it, just a tiring day.” he sighs,
i nod, matt sits down on the bed beside me and plays with my hair,
“can you look at me please?” he asks, starting to braid my hair at the back.
i slowly lift my face out of the pillow, my eyes puffy and my whole face red.
“there she is, pretty girl.” he smiles, pulling me onto his lap so i straddle him.
i look at his face, the side of it has a small slap mark.
my bottom lips trembles, “i dont know why i slapped you, i’m- im sorry matt.”
he presses a finger to my lips, “shh, sh i deserved it.” he laughs.
“i feel guilty though.” i pout,
“can i tell you a secret?” he asks,
i nod, he whispers into my hair “you didn’t hit me that hard, i promise.”
i feel a small weight get lifted off my chest.
“now take a nice deep breath for me okay?”
i suck in a deep breath,
“good girl, can you give me another one?”
i take in another deep breath, blowing out air through my nose.
he wipes the stray tears away from my face,
“i didn’t mean to make you cry sweetheart, you know i hate seeing you this upset.” he says, looking into my eyes.
“it’s okay.” i sniff,
“i want to see you smile for me,” matt says, i give him a small smile before covering my face.
he pulls my hands away from my face with a small laugh,
“i can’t smile for you when you ask me to, it’s so awkward!” i giggle,
“it’s cute baby.” he grins, scooping me up in his arms and standing up off the bed.
he walks us out of the room, “now lets get you in the bath.”
i squeal as he runs us down the hallway, “you’re gonna drop me!!”
he throws me a couple inches in the air before catching me back in his arms, earning a loud scream from me, followed by loud laughs from him.
he walks into the bathroom, before setting me down on the toilet seat.
he turns on the bath before walking over to me, tugging my tank top off my head,
i feel his cold hands fiddle with the clasp of my bra,
“matt! i can do this myself.” i protest, he shakes his head.
“it’s my pleasure.” he grins, letting my bra fall off of me.
“you’re so stupid.” i laugh, pushing his shoulder lightly.
—
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