#guys help i thought we were supposed to be decentralized and horizontal. why am i at the center. why does everything pass through me.
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often susceptible to that human folly that is wanting people who are also part of a thing to at least acknowledge when you spent a bunch of hours working on something thats is for that thing
#most. of the work i do is thankless. and im ok with that cause i sink a lot of time into passion projects#but also because of that (comma) time is my most critical and valuable resource and im very giving with it when i maybe shouldnt be#and when i say mutual aid work has been the most isolating and thankless work ive engaged in ...#i just really objectively dont actually have the amt of time im putting into this.#im just stealing time away from everything else here and there and ignoring how i feel in the alone bits whenever someone else does anything#yippee. whenever i drive to pennsylvania and do 13 hour driving days w minimal breaks . its gonna be less soul rending than this#not that i probably wont have to still have to coordinate stuff while im away 🙃#guys help i thought we were supposed to be decentralized and horizontal. why am i at the center. why does everything pass through me.#why do i have to manage so much and remind people of pre-arranged stuff. i thought we didnt like middle management!!! i hate people managing#asking people to do their portion of the work feels like either aggression or asking for a major personal favor . do you understand why#this is not a role i am suited to fill...#ok. i dont feel better now cause i only got two hours of sleep last night because of this but at least i got it out#i think my recent yearnings for a partner are mostly just because this has pushed me to a crisis point. and you dont need a partner for that#just like anyone who is willing to meaningfully engage with everything. fuck#wish i knew what the last 6 mos of my life looked like from an outside pov. my regular cast of health professionals are deeply concerned#but like im always doing a ton of shit so telling me i need to scale back is nothing new. i just need. relativity. and if my friends feel#like im pulling back from our friendships because i legitimately cant balance all this#ok! enough worrying and complaining. back to grinding that nosestone
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