#dont know who else to talk to about this because it feels so personal but i feel anonymous on here
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if you do angst, could you do walker and you having a miscommunication (him thinking you rejected his confession or are dating someone else) and dont talk for a bit but then make up?
Only You
Walker’s confession had hit you like a lightning bolt on a clear day. You’d been standing together during a break on set, joking about how much Percy Jackson seemed to mirror him in real life. But then he’d suddenly gone quiet, shuffling nervously before blurting it out.
“I like you,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “Like… more than a friend.”
You froze. Completely blindsided, your mind raced to catch up with his words. Walker Scobell, the guy who could make you laugh so hard your stomach hurt, liked you? You opened your mouth to respond, but your brain failed to produce anything coherent.
Before you could figure out what to say, a crew member appeared, calling your name and gesturing that you were needed for the next scene.
“I—uh—” you stammered, glancing between Walker and the person waiting for you. “I gotta—”
“Go,” Walker said quickly, stepping back with a strained smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Yeah, don’t worry about it.”
You wanted to stay, to explain, but the urgency in the crew member’s voice pulled you away. You didn’t look back as you rushed off, though the weight of Walker’s words clung to you the entire day.
----
The days that followed were agonising. Walker wasn’t just avoiding you—he was practically a ghost. The easy banter you’d shared was gone, replaced with stiff nods and short, polite answers when you tried to talk to him.
You tried to corner him during lunch one day, only for him to grab his food and walk off before you could even sit down. Another time, you found him at craft services, sipping on a bottle of water.
“Walker, can we talk?” you asked, your voice hesitant but hopeful.
“Sorry, can’t,” he mumbled, not even glancing your way. “Busy.”
And just like that, he was gone again, leaving you feeling like the ground had crumbled beneath you.
You didn’t understand. Sure, you hadn’t given him an answer, but it wasn’t because you didn’t like him. You just needed time to process, to figure out how to tell him how much he meant to you.
The breaking point came a few days later when you overheard him talking to Leah in a quiet corner of the set.
“It’s fine,” Walker said, leaning against a chair with his arms crossed. His voice was bitter, a tone you’d never heard from him before. “She’s obviously into someone else. Why else would she just leave after I told her how I felt?”
Leah frowned, clearly trying to console him. “Are you sure? Maybe she was just caught off guard.”
“She didn’t even answer me,” Walker said with a dry laugh. “That’s answer enough, right? And I get it. She’s amazing—way out of my league. I never should’ve said anything.”
Your heart shattered at his words. He thought you didn’t like him back. He thought you’d rejected him.
The next morning, you decided you couldn’t let this go on any longer. You found Walker sitting alone in a quiet corner of the set, scrolling through his phone. He looked up briefly when you walked over but quickly averted his gaze, his expression unreadable.
“Can we talk?” you asked softly, sitting down beside him.
“Not much to say,” he replied, his tone cool. “I get it.”
“Walker.” You reached out and placed your hand on his arm, forcing him to look at you. “You don’t get it. I overheard what you said to Leah.”
His eyes widened in surprise, a flicker of embarrassment crossing his face. “You… you heard that?”
“Yes,” you admitted. “And you’ve got it all wrong.”
He frowned, confused. “What do you mean?”
“I didn’t leave that day because I didn’t like you,” you explained, your voice trembling slightly. “I left because I was shocked. You caught me completely off guard, and then I got pulled away before I could say anything. And after that, I didn’t know how to bring it up again.”
Walker’s brow furrowed as he processed your words. “So… you’re not into someone else?”
You shook your head. “No. I’m not. Walker, I like you too. I’ve liked you for a while now. I just never thought you’d feel the same way.”
For a moment, he just stared at you, as if trying to decide whether or not to believe you. Then his face softened, and the corners of his mouth lifted into the boyish grin you’d missed so much.
“You like me?” he asked, his voice filled with disbelief and cautious hope.
“Yes,” you said, smiling despite the nerves swirling in your chest. “I like you.”
His grin widened, and he let out a soft laugh, running a hand through his hair. “Wow. I… I really thought I’d blown it.”
“You didn’t blow it,” you assured him. “But I swear, if you avoid me like that again, we’re gonna have problems.”
Walker laughed, the sound light and genuine, and it made your chest feel warm. “Deal. No more ghosting, I promise.”
“Good,” you said, nudging him playfully.
“So,” he said, his tone turning shy again. “Does this mean I can officially ask you out?”
“You’d better,” you teased, your smile growing.
“Okay,” he said, leaning closer, his eyes locking onto yours with a mixture of excitement and nervousness. “Would you like to go out with me?”
“Yes, Walker,” you said, your voice soft but steady. “I’d love to.”
And just like that, the tension of the past few days melted away, replaced with something warm and hopeful. It wasn’t perfect it never is but as Walker smiled at you, you knew it was the start of something amazing.
A/N: love this so much my first kinda angst thanks for the request
Tags: @izzystylinson, @sophand4n4, @kaiwrites092, @shellsarepretty, @cheoriemoawa, @prettiesteyess, @vintagewntr10, @hecallmebigpurrr420, @killualovbot, @iloveneilperry
#percy jackson#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson x reader#percy jackson x you#percy jackson x y/n#walker scobell#walker scobell fluff#walker scobell x reader#walker scobell x reader fluff#walker scobell imagine#walker scobell x you#walker scobell x y/n#walker scobell imagines#mason thames x reader#mason thames#jacob tremblay#charlie bushnell#dylan hoffman#malachi barton#Valentina reads#walker x reader#walker x you#walker x y/n#fem!reader#percy jackson imagine#percy jackson fandom#percy jackson fanfiction#percy jackson fluff
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Arguments:
Yue Qingyuan: he's sect leader so he has enough authority and respect for the junior disciples not to giggle too much to his face. Uses very elegant and veiled language, lots of euphemisms. Qi Qingqi heard him refer to vaginas as "flowers" once and she nearly qi deviated. He keeps it brief and vague and doesn't take more than two questions which he usually redirects to Mu Qingfang because he's a doctor and not because Yue Qingyuan is too flustered. He focuses a lot on being respectful and gentle, as well as ready to take responsibility if accidents happen. There's a rumor in CQM for a week that YQY is boringly vanilla in bed if his flowery lesson is anything to go by (it isnt).
Qi Qingqi: very thorough, with a focus on why it's important to be safe, sane and consensual. She teaches a very detailed class on women's health and bodies and everybody has to attend and take notes. There will be a test at the end. No, it doesnt matter if youre gay or ace. You take the test. Extra lesson on sexual harrassment because she has seen the way men ogle her female disciples and she made it a point to remind everyone that her peak disciples are taught a secret technique to emergency castrate men if so needed (nobody knows if this is actually true but nobody wants to find out).
Shang Qinghua: goes into way too much detail. It somehow feels like an engineering lesson, he is very focused on the logistics of things and what goes where. Use lube and don't beat your partner up unless it's been negotiated before are his main lessons and everyone can tell it's from personal experience. He's very open to talk about kinks and fetishes, though. Recommends buying his own bad smut as guide for sex. Sales dont skyrocket, go figure. His disciples are pretty sure that their peak lord isnt having sex the right way.
Liu Qingge: "if you have sex you will die." is how he starts the lesson. He lists out all the possible bad consequences of sex, from UTIs and pregnancies, to deadly STDs and qi deviation. He doesn't believe in dual cultivation, if you want to improve your core you have to train like a normal person. The lesson is mostly about how to defend oneself in case of a non-consensual situation. The whole CQM decides nobody fucks on Bai Zhan peak because they are too scared of Liu Qingge.
Shen Qingqiu (as Shen Yuan): he is very flustered about it, with his thin face and all, so he mostly focuses on the emotional side of it, how it should be with someone trustworthy and enthusiastically consensual. He also drops the more uncomfortable questions on to Mu Qingfang. If you mention the Song of Bingqiu to him, you receive 57 laps around the mountain precisely. Makes it a point to say that, if accidents do happen, he is open to help out with any unexpected children. His disciples are even more flushed than he is because he didnt turn off the wife beam.
Shen Qingqiu (as Shen Jiu): no. He wont do it. They can read about it in books or ask Mu Qingfang or whatever other alternative, Shen Jiu isn't teaching them anything about that. He isnt doing this full stop. Its bad enough people look down on him for visiting brothels, like hell will he talk about it to a bunch of horny teenagers. They'll figure it out eventually. He drops something like "make sure you dont force anyone into it including yourself" and doesnt elaborate.
Mu Qingfang: everyone just expects him to do it so he's the CQM's Aunt Flo whether he likes it or not. He's the most normal about it, explaining everything in medical terms and presenting possible negative comsequences rationally, without fearmongering. The only one open to answering all questions, no matter how wild. Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe also sneakily attend the lesson for...additional information. He is very calm and relaxed about it. Everyone thinks Mu Qingfang gets mad hole in his free time because he knows everything about everything.
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post epilogue au bill jerry mandi schizoposting delirium whatever hte fuck Context here im quoting comic books and literature no one on tumblrs ever heard of its mostly for archive purposes and the people that care at least a little bit
i sort of picture bills homosexuality as sort of like a thing he would never admit to or act upon and especially with jerry being the only guy who's ever tried to reach out to him and be kind to him to touch him to reach out etc etc being deprived of human touch for 10 years i definitely think they're gay i picture him as a bukowski or crumb bu,t in the way they objectify and degrade women and not the sort of intellectual type and at the same time bwing q repressed homosexual virgin in his late twenties is something i really want to explore
sex isnt everythinf but seeing how important it is for them and how significative and how women are sexual objects and all i think it definitely affects his view on himselg
i think there's this underlying animalistic urge to be close and be together theyve been around eachother since they were kids they really have no one else that's been through what they've been through and even though jerry wants to let go bill is still stuck on it which is why he's so clingy to jerry he's the only thing he has left really the only person that reached out the only guy that somewhat cares i wouldnt be talking about bill clinging on like a koala ofherwise he really does """"love"""" jerry jn the sense he let him stay he touches his shoulder he gave him a change of clothes despite everything that hapoened see gif below
i definitely want there to be a scene of bill breaking down and being liek Jerry....... i like men.......... and just like crying geeking and jerry holding him close and putting his cold nose on his neck and telling him it's all finewhile holding him he caresses him blalallaa whatever for the first time in like 30 something years he feels appreciated loved and held jerry doesnt even know what he's doing holding this piece of shit garbage scum that said the most obscene garbage to his girlfriend who is in the next room ten years ago i think for jerry its also nice to hold him because his parents never really did it which is sort of shown in the pilot where he holds himself when he's excited or nervous as a self soothing method and he feels like hes giving the love he never really received as a child See picture below
in his mind bill really could change. Because he really could change he just needed the right people around him. the resentment he feels towards bill fluctuates he resents him for everything that happened at comic-con he resents him for never treating him well when they were younger he resents him for waltzing into his house drenched in snot rain and tears and taking up space in what was supposed to be a place he could be comfortable and at peace in
billjer i wanted to compare it to ralf könig's "swiss bliss" but bills friends aren't nearly as tolerant of gays as the guys friends who tell him he isnt gay and he's not like that and they dont believe it theyd straigjt up just exile him i think it's more like "maybe ... maybe not" again by ralf könig picture attached below jerry would never make a move first i think bills vulnerable situation and lack of human contact and sort of praise and appreciation he has for jerry for housing him would sort of bring him to do it i think if they ever got to kiss or make out like this styleit would be during a heated argument or while they're drunk they wouldnt be able to stop thems3lves but if it ever escalates i think jerry could easily let bill go and let him slam his head against something and just go into another room and start pacing fucking freaking out see picture below,
if anyone wants to jump me for shipping bill and mandi its3now or never SCREAM ID YOU LOVE BILL AND MANDI
although i asked dorkin and he already told me it isnt true i still want to explore mandi being the same girl that walked into joe's comic book store in "this monster, this fan" because of the character dynamics i could explore and thoughts and interpretations i dont givea fuck im schizoposting about bill blowing jerry im basically doing whatever i wajt with the already existing comic thog dont care i think they both remember the day really clearly but since bill is so so focused on jerry he barely even glances at her because she was basically violated by like. what 15 men in a comic book store including grown men taking a picture of her like thats vile bill doesnt want to think about it he doesn't want to confront her or say anything ever because the humiliation of already being in someone else's house eating their food taking up space is too much
see earlier mention of crumb
the way crumb depicts women as something divine unachievable incomprehensible and as sex objects and puts them in the strangest most violent situations where is definitely something i see bill in especially in the epilogue where he and the rest just start babbling about how the female cosplayers are too ugly fat or arent white and dont fit their standards the way they're always depicted reading smut pornography or just looking at pinups of women (sometimes in violent situations as well) and the interaction he had at joe's all formed and turned his mindset into something utterly vile negative and disgustifn
see previous mention of bukowski
in this book the narrator is always pointing out faults in women i definitely see him as bill in the sense of being so negative hateful and even when in love he still manages to criticize his potential lover it could be bill and mandi but their relationship is much more complex to me since neither of them actually love eqchpther they just carnally need one another the way he's just really pathetic drunk and all just reminds me of bill as well mandi hates bill for being a man she's attracted to him because he's so fucking pathetic and gross it's exciting bill is attracted to mandi because she's a woman he detests her for being a stupid cunt who speaks her mind and is independent theyre both secretly having an affair one is slightly homoerotic the other one is just straight up abusive bill doesnt like to talk to anyone in the house he's extremely embarrassed and ashamed not only because he's in his friends house living there with his girlfriend who he hates but because he had the balls to reach out for help especially from a guy who beat the shit out of him last time they ever saw eachother mandi tries to talk it out but bill is so unbelievably childish he doesn't speak to anyone or do anything he's just silent i love them because they beat the shit out of eachofher and bill is a sexist pig and mandi is a woman they're all having an affair with eachother if any of them find out the other one is dating everything will go down genuinely but it wont since they're all too busyv hiding something from the other
i definitely think he would crash out on her but in the most like. formal way possible because he doesnt want to get kicked out and its shown he sort of knows when it's appropriate to shut up unlike josh who just starts geeking
+ jerry & mandi sketch im not finishing to get a glimpse into what i picture them both to be. healthy happy and everything good
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Please give me your headcanons/ideas on Ranger Marsh, and my life is yours🙏 (He's my favorite old man yeehaw squeeeeeee)
YEAH HE IS
Ranger marsh is THE FATHER OF ALL TIME to me because listen-
I live in Florida. Whenever they talk about manatees or red tide or the effects of a cold snap im like YOOO I KNOW ABOUT THAT!!!
I need yall to understand 🙏 hes part of the fcking ecosystem.
He understands the needs and behaviours and everything about the everglades and its creatures. He knows how to talk to them and they know him and love him. He chooses to go out and help right away with this " I gotcha dont worry about nothing!" attitude
Hes so connected with it and its beautiful-
Its just that sense of community hes got with all the creatures in the everglades that makes me 🥺 hes got such a kind heart and he seems like the person to choose to do something because someone has to yk?
Alot of people would be offput by all the bugs and heat and etc, but he just goes oh well and keeps going along and I think that is SO special
And im gonna be honest here. Alot of people ARENT. Like at all, and they do the dumbest sht
One time my dad and I were on a board walk near a river that had gators in it and there were signs about it too. We saw this??? Fcking guy in a whole business suit with his kid wanting to give a little gator fcking store bought chicken nuggets??? 💀🙏 we like kindly explain uhhh heyyy don't do that cuz u don't want gators to associate humans with food or (gestures broadly to all the many reasons u shouldn't feed wild animals)
And then we continued our walk, but when we turned back we fcking saw a mini crowd (with several small kids leaning THROUGH THE GAP in the railing) surrounding a guy with a kiddie fishing pole trying to??? Idk feed the gator the chicken nuggets.
There were signs about not disturbing the wildlife.
I didnt exaggerate a single aspect of this btw.
Like thank fck gators are ambush predators and not chasers cuz those guys can run and climb like nobody's business... and hide under cars
SIDE TANGEANT ASIDE alot of people just aren't in tune with and have like a totally unrealistic and detached from reality expectation of that kinda nature. But ranger marsh (i headcanon that his first name is Rover btw cuz not only is that a flooding guy name but cmon- RIVER MARSH?!!) Is always so patient about explaining that kind of stuff to the others in the show
Hes got an understanding and a system on how to handle things.
Also I do appreciate how he struggles with understanding technology and prefers old fashioned ways. Because while there are alot of folks like that, alot of people can be... very aggressive about it if u disagree with them :(
But ranger marsh, while he can't understand, he still does come around and appreciates it the best he can yk? Like sure he doesn't get WHY and he sucks at it, but he comes around and appreciates it, even if it isn't always for him
The awe he felt when the gup k went under water and he saw the world he loves from an entirely new angle? Oh my god my heart-
He would absolutely take in any stray creature that needs help, he feels like the kinda guy that would've tried to help a wild animal heal up in the garage when they were a kid and everyone else told him not to touch it 🥺
Also personal headcanon time:
I dont think this guy could keep a secret for the life of him. Like this guy doesn't even realize, he feels like the guy would would see something weird and then go " well ill be i never did see anythin as strange as that before" to a fcking bush or the sky
He sort just has this factual way of speaking that reminds me of people who go "well yeah well when ya go n talk her dont mention x and x cuz I'm pretty sure she's suspecting her boyfrens been cheatin on her and oh I wasn't supposed to share that was i."
Also I feel like maybe I'm just projecting and making him autistic but like??? Has a hard time dealing with change??? Likes being in the wild with a bunch of creatures??? Probably needs his "two hours of contemplating on the back porch" every day ????
Hes absolutely the type to want to dig in the mud for hours thank you, he absolutely went fck living a normal life in society I want to be friends with the animals under my porch
I desperately want him to basically go "hm ok ur staying here for tonight" to calico jack who is the equivalent of a (very kind and gentle) feral stray 🙏
I'm gonna make a post about their dynamic later lol
Cuz likes its an old funky pirate cat with isolation issues thats probably scared of gators and Caimens for I lost me leg reasons and hasn't had like a normal meal in probably over a decade at least
(Cj probably can't handle dairy but he's gonna try (and fail) ranger marsh probably makes delicious mac n cheese)
also cj literally uses a peg leg that can NOT be good for his back, like there's so much special care needed if u have a proper prosthetic but a peg leg is like 💀🙏 so bad
I feel like CJ is this very kind and gentle soul, but the second he meets someone his age (cuz they ARE around the same age) he just becomes a wet gremlin, ill yap more about it on their dynamic post tho
As for the question of "ayyo whats up with ranger marshes wife or rather tweaks mom what's up with that"
I dont think tweaks mom died or anything, I think they just divorced when she was in like middle school and then he got her legos to try to help her feel better 😭
probably just cuz of personal differences... but yk some people can get kinda :| during divorces and stuff
I feel like they were probably high school sweethearts that got married before they even grew as people
It seems to me like tweak was probably homeschooling and definitely was skipping grades and whatever
I liek to think she has lego models of all her gups and that she had an emo phase in middle school 🙏 she still has the spirit in her soul but let's be real she's probably too busy elbows deep in an engine to upkeep that stuff anymore lol
(Ik we saw a younger tweak before in the show but like who says it wasn't at a different point in her life lol)
I dont think she was necessarily into emo specifically as a way to rebel her own parents btw (at least not her dad) but just because she liked the culture lol and was probably on my space as a teen
She 100% tried to take her dad to a monster truck show at least once and he absolutely did not understand the hype 😭 but tweak was inspired to take inspiration from the mix of animal designs and unique shapes into something more eco friendly and versatile tho
Like the gup k is just a wetland monster truck 🙏
She absolutely had years of trial and error with all sorts of gizmos that exploded at least a few times before she got the hang of engineering
Probably tried to make all sorts of things to help the little critters her pa took care of
Might be part of the reason he doesn't understand tech that well because when ur a kid without alot of money u gotta work with what u have and sometimes that doesn't always work out XD but hey restriction of choices can lead to alot of unique and creative solutions!
idk the exact reason why ranger marsh and his wife would've divorced,maybe it was just a difference in how they envisioned their life styles and the fact ranger marsh seems a bit too "introverted and quiet" for a more social life and environment with a normal job tbh
(Cough autism cough they are both autistic in different ways cough)
but the everglades have always been tweaks home and I doubt she wanted to leave. I think she still talks to her mom and stuff but just... not that much
I dont really think ranger marsh would've tried again in that type of relationship, hes too busy being busy with life and enjoying the small moments
And hot cocoa from the machine that tweak gave him as a gift
He absolutely helped her keep her room organized and tidy as a kid tho, but look at her room into he octopod now XD
Also SOMEONE MAKE HIM SAY " BLESS THEIR HEART" PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE THATS THE NUMBER ONE SOUTHERN SAYING-
Like 🥺 idk if yall know but bless ur heart can mean alot of different stuff depending on the context- it can go from "oh my goodness thats awful I can empathize with that and I wish them the best" to "well.... that person has no FCKING idea what they're doing but.... bless that idiots heart hes trying😂 🙏"
#Ranger marsh#Octonauts ranger marsh#octonauts#Wisty responds <3#Thank uuuu#Hope u like my inchorherent blabbering
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swapinverse posting rn,,,,, (WAKE UP UNTITLED29876011111 MY LISTENER I KNOW YOU GET NO SLEEP BUT SWAPINVERSE CRUMBS SWAPINVERSE CRUMBS PSPSPSPSPPSPSPS)
anyways currently reworking savior and godDAMN is he soooo,,,,,,, my boy i love my boy. why does he literally combine the melancholic vibe of dust and then whatever the hell killer's got going on in his lore. hes literally so sad and emo and depressed but also has a perfect amount of i-dont-care-ness and built in commands,,,,,, hes so PERFECT my vision of this modernized savior is soooo amazing,,,,, none of you will be ready trust (hyping myself up over nothing)
i think its because i'm finally starting to THINK about my character's,,,,,,, characters?????? like before they were just concepts. i think. like just IDEAS and now especially for savior i'm starting to actually analyze his character and see where things go from there,,,, its sooooo fun i love this sosososos much,,,, now let's see if this streak of analysis will carry on for the 2 i still need to finish finish (crash and vice.SER my glitchy fuckass sons)
google what is the symbolic representation for ribbons and ribbon dancing and silk acrobatics. google ANSWER ME
#that last paragraph is because crash does those :3 he thinks hes so elegant SMH#siphon's supposed to be corrupted nm!ink but then i feel i may or may not have made him too NICE????#like what other traits am i supposed to add to make hin more like corrupted nm aside from the fact that he upsets the balance#and ink's already an asshole anyways!!! just that this ink wont be as energetic and just a tad more evil!!!!!#so what if i didnt do any canon research on anybody's origins that wasn't just the mtt SO WHAT OK#LET ME HAVE FUN WITH THESE CHARACTERS I DONT KNOW WITHOUT HAVING TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM#nevermind youre right...... i guess its time to do research on ink and error and CORE frisk and dream and nightmare....... siiiigh#AUAGHHHH I WANNA TALK ABOUT SWAPINVERSE SOOOO BAD#I WANNA BOUNCE IDEAS OFF SOMEONE BC IM KINDA STUCK FOR CRASH AND VICESER#BUT I CAN'T TELL SECRET MTT NATION MEMBER!!!!!!!! WHY NOT?????#BECAUSE I WANNA SEE THEIR RAW REACTION WHEN IT DROPS OFC WITH NO SPOILERS#listen is that sooo bad that i want people to be surprised and interested when it comes out IS IT#at least One person should be surprised and thats ok for me for nos#but unfortunately that DOES leave me with nobody to yap too........ feel so shahshdgsg#i NEED to talk about these characters i'm gonna go feral djdhshshhhhhhhh#swapinverse my beloved swapinverse my beloved maybe actually by this pace i'll finish in the summer of this school year???? who knows#i MUST make it a comic right??? what else can i do aside from make it s comic#or actually an ask blog i have no idea how ill present swapinverse to the world. but i've always had that issue sooooooo#the main story will be a comic......... other stuff people wanna know id asks.......... and then i guess i draw here snd there#oh gooodddd doing all that is going to KILL me but whatever i'm so excited for this project#i've been developing it since like basically freshman year swapinverse is growing with me 🧡🧡🧡🧡#tricule rant
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#dont know who else to talk to about this because it feels so personal but i feel anonymous on here#yesterday i had an ultrasound of my chest and they found something abnormal and ordered a biopsy#and its been on my mind every minute since then#the mass looks uncomfortably similar to the google images that pop up when u search 'malignant tumor'#and ive been doom scrolling on the breast cancer subreddit lmao#and im aware that its just stressing me out more but i couldnt stop and almost started crying#like the results could come back completely normal but.... im terrified of that not being the case#and i dont know how to deal with it until the actual procedure#its on friday but time is going so slow#all day ive been wanting to just blurt out my feelings to everyone ive talked to#but it feels so embarassing at the same time#so thats why im posting abt it on here i guess#i just literally dont know how to process my feelings rn
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Lol. Lmao even. I am having a great time, physically. (Dump below)
#the best part with like this flare up i guess of chronic pain has been i dont even know who to talk to about it like. sorry its just that#for the last year ive been getting diagnosed with pots and thats i think kost of it#but at least for like last 8 months my every day pain has been getting worse and worse. my body aches my joins ache.#some days i cant even really do anything when i get home cause even my fingers ache. i cant do anything after work anymore because i need to#just come home and lay down i cant do anything else#and im just like. it doesnt hurt so bad all the time but its always there. in the back of my head. singing.#and i dont lnownwhat tondo i want to just keep being a person but rn its getting harder and harder every week#and ive tried to like. broach the topic with my two friends who have chronic pain and they were both just like yeah haha same#and i yotally get it they dont have to feel bad for me or whatever but im just like. thats it? what do i do what do i do anymore right?#and i cant talk about it with the people who dont have chronic pain bc theyre all panicky already and i dont know how to tell them infeel#like im dying or something. i feel like a breaking down robot!!!! blah blah blah i know this isnt an original experience but i feel so alone#and scared i just dont want to be in pain all the time. you know.#he speaks#SORRY THIS IS THE LAST SM WHERE IDC WHAT I SAY
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i have and still do think its extremely weird how many people have an immediate negative gut reaction to fur and to hunting in general, especially occurring even more negatively the less they know about it. like.
even just disregarding the fact that an animal being hunted is one of the most sustainable things available to most people nowadays, with the animal being killed as fast as possible in a way that utilizes as much of their body as possible, in a way that produces very little waste, when basically every hunter i know are some of the most ecologically conscientious and green-minded people you can find — the fur and leather and bone itself is one of the few things you can actually feel Connected to anymore.
like i look at the other stuff they promote and so many "green products" and i still can't tell where they're from or how they were produced or even entirely what went into making them. none of my furs are like that. i often talked to the person who hunted and skinned and tanned the hide, who sewed the hat or the bag or the coat, i can identify and pick out the exact animal who gave its life for it and know them very intimately, and for an incredibly long amount of time, long enough that most of what i have was passed down to me from my family. like these are the opposites of fast fashion in every respect, im usually excited to be able to break out my otter or raccoon hat when winter comes around, i come back to my buffalo bags over and over.
i'm often very uncomfortable when they're described as "luxury items" as well for that reason - they're often just priced accordingly to the time and effort that goes into them and will last just as long as the price tag implies. animal fur and leather are the very first materials humans had available to them. it's not any different than going to a craft show and buying a knitted hat from a grandma for me, except that i know the full history of how all that material was acquired in the first place and that it won't be sat aside or forgotten under anything else. it's very hard, even when you just have one fur hat, to not make the full use out of it, that you want to and it occupies a position of respect. hell, fur isn't even "in" for rich people anymore, it's increasingly gone out of fashion for them and has shown up less and less over time.
i don't know. it's very weird to see everyone has a weird gut reaction to seeing fur or discussing hunting, in a way that has never correlated to anything i've actually experienced.
#all the care guide says is 'biomass'#its like. idk. is a good shovel a luxury item?#sure the poorest people wont be able to afford it and will be forced to buy shittier shovels#but certainly its not the rich people buying shovels#and you wouldnt call someone who has a good shovel that has served them very well for a long time. a rich person.#also like. yeah. in certain poor communities it IS very common to have fur and leather#because hunting is necessary for people to eat. you are too poor to buy from the grocery store.#and then the products of that get passed down because they Keep and Keep Well#but even moreso the psychological experience of having fur is different#in a way thats harder to explain to someone who doesnt have that experience#you just. dont let it go to waste.#you feel much more beholden to it and to treat it well#and to use it and not let it go to waste#in a way that you dont get with the mass produced shit they act like is neutral#i think if i had to be philosophical about it id tie it into individualism#that if you get something mass produced then you arent beholden to it and dont feel responsible to it#it means whatever and it cant force you to do anything so you end up as the defining factor#its easier to pretend it has no one elses fingerprints on it#but this is impossible with fur. you look at it and youll always be reminded a life was given for it#and immense effort had to be given to turn that life into something for you#and you are beholden to that. you are connected to it. you cannot pretend that youre separate.#and i like that. it freaks me out to think of how many things i have that i dont fully know where they came from or who made them#in a sense greater than what a tag says it came from or what company made it#it was a singular animal. it was a specific person. you can talk to them. you know them. you can see it.
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#damn . if i like. ever did something wrong i wonder why they dont just talk to me about it#like idk i thought when they like. vagued about *someone* i had to convince myself that it wasnt me#like i literally went through our messages to make sure i didnt say anything wrong#but apparently it was me after all? i just wish they wouldve. idk. talked to me about it#it feels so hypocritical? why are you allowed to say what you think and im not#unless i actually did what you claimed but i cant remember this happening nor can i find messages where it happens#and even then instead of vaguing about me when you know im not doing well you can just approach me#or is there a whole different reason? do you avoid me because of something else? am i just not on your level after all?#if it was any other person i wouldnt have cared so much but they were one of the first friends i made there#we worked out so well in the beginning and now you realised im not who you thought i was and instantly replaced me#why does this shit ALWAYS happen to me? is there something wrong with me or is it everyone around me?#this is why i dont approach people. this is why im so intimidated by others. it doesnt work. ill always end up being less.#everyone always ends up being better and more and i am the replacable one. idk. just sucks
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Having of those moments where I wish to yeet the like button into the sun or maybe make it so there was setting you could turn on so that people can only reblog posts (even better with the minimum requirement of adding at least one tag)!!
It's kind of absurd that one of my fics is getting close to 500 notes while simultaneously being one I've had the least actual human interactions come from. Like...... come on, that's now how it should be AT ALL!
Don't get me wrong, I'm so thrilled people are clearly finding it and I guess enjoying it(??) but just having endless likes without people letting me know what they enjoyed about it or even if they liked it kind of makes me sad. That's not why I want to share my writing here!
I love having those little human connections with others. I don't ever want my writing to feel transactional. I would love to talk to more people about things I've written. It's truly one of the best feelings and I would hate to lose that, the more I write or the more notes my fics get. Please don't be shy!! I get the social anxiety, but there is no reason to be. I am truly just a Din Djarin obsessed loser.
Anyway, whine over. I don't want to focus on the negatives here and I appreciate every single person who has ever left a positive interaction with something I've written. You are truly a light!
#i don't JUST like posts too often#really the only posts i dont reblog but like are to save for later or if it's too personal/explicit#or i guess i have nothing to add and OP has said it all yknow#but if i see some writing or art i love then hell yeah i always force myself to add at least one tag i like just so the artist/author sees#otherwise it feels like a hollow transaction and i really want people to know i appreciate their art more than just pressing a button yknow#and I KNOW it's intimidating at first to interact with others!! TRUST ME i get it and i'm still awful at it#but just one little comment can make someone feel so good about their writing... why wouldn't someone want to try that at least#especially if you enjoyed it!!! even a key smash or a string of emojis!!!#and the death of the tumblr tag is SO SAD because where else am i meant to talk to you lot?#i mean these tags are longer than my actual post and that's the beauty of tumblr#you don't have to perceive me down here but you can if you wish and i love you for that!#and it's a nice way to organise your blog to make it navigable for others#ANYWAY said i was done whining and continued whining down here so there's that LOL but i always want to interact with more people#please do not be afraid of reaching out to me! scroll through my blog for 5 seconds and you'll see what a nerdy loser i am#akdjgds i mean aren't we all here#spud rants#writing#but thanks again to anyone who leaves nice comments im giving you a (consensual) forehead smooch MWAH
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I know not every friendship needs to get that deep but ive known these people for awhile and sometimes i do yearn for something more
#shut up avery#i have so many fulfilling friendships#but i want the friendship i have with my tabletop group to also be fulfilling#im the only nonautistic person in that group#and ive just been feeling more and more like...distanced#like its fine that im not vibrating on the same frequency#but i see them multiple times a week#and i feel like i should feel closer than i do#idk like its just small stuff that adds up#and ive just fully started to not even talk about myself lmao#because it is just not. reciprocated#and i look forward to when we play the tabletop shit#but i really just don't pay attention to the in between chatter#it's not even an actual problem but i am just...idk#i like them and i want to be better friends#but i feel like im the only one who feels this way#im fully rambling at this point#and also they just fully do not pick up on my social cues of disengaging#but i am picking up on ALL of their social.cues#i feel like i am the sole person who is reading everyone elses body language#but they cant read each others 😭😭😭#god i dont even know i am just feeling stuCK#and like small talk is so. important to me#but i like never hear about their weeks or just the small details about them#it immediately jumps into shit i know absolutely nothing about#it becomes super hard to. idk just talk about how MY week went#the amount of time ive started talking about my week and then it somehow turns into just this really big specific topic#and i KNOW that is what happens like i KNOW#like this is textbook autism#but i also just want to actually get to know them???
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sonic and snufkin actually kind of feel like very similar characters to me. holding hands over “my personal sense of freedom and dedication to making decisions based on what I think is right is what matters most, and if you’ve built some idealized version of me in your head then that’s none of my business and it’s not my responsibility if the reality of who i am lets you down in some way”. also the deep connection to nature and all.
#N posts stuff#this is also a little why i am extremely picky about fanfic for these two#bc fic where like. snufkin finally settles down in the valley or lets moonin come along on his winter journey or whatever#they grate because it feels like you’re getting rid of a core of snufkin’s character for convenience.#‘he would not fucking do that’ style. i don’t like it.#like you do you it’s not a big deal it’s just personal opinion#the same for sonic. for him it’s less about being tied down in a literal sense and more to do with. conceptually#like sonic is a character very Unavailable emotionally and i dont think that’s something about himself he’s willing to change#i think that sonic is a very Internal person and his personal sense of freedom is such that like#he doesn’t Care what other people think about him. in sa2 he doesn’t seem to care that he’s been mistakenly labeled a villain bc that’s#none of his business. and in tbk he’s blunt about how he’ll happily become the ‘villain’ in other people’s eyes if he’s making the choice He#thinks is right. i don’t think his aversion to emotional sincerity or openness comes from some Hero Persona#i think he just doesn’t ever want to be put in a position where he has to navigate his friends emotions about his emotions#meaning like. being open about your problems opens you up to people who think they know better than you and want to force you to listen#to them ‘for your own good’ which i think sonic would resent on a lot of levels. so he’s unwilling to make himself vulnerable to that#but also even if someone isn’t Forcing you to listen you can still hurt people by ‘refusing’ to take care of yourself the way They think#is best. so their emotions become a coercive force intentionally or otherwise which sonic would also resent#and sonic doesn’t want to resent his friends. so he’s like ‘okay i just won’t put us in that position then’#i also think he doesn’t feel a need to Justify himself to anyone. so explaining his emotions or the Whys of who he is#feels like an attempt at justification that sonic would dislike and avoid on Principle even if he’s the only one seeing it that way#anyway ‘he would not fucking say that’ but it’s sonic having a genuine moment of emotional honesty#i do think that snufkin is more. Open to his own emotions though. and the expression of them#Comet ‘weeping over the sea’ moment my beloved. sonic Wouldn’t do that i think#i do think he closes himself off to his own emotions he doesn’t want to be tied down by Those either#which is why i also think that sonic as a character is informed by repressed/dissociative amnesia#like i Am projecting a little but i also think it makes sense for him. ‘who i used to be is none of my business i only care about#who i am Right Now’ which is another reason why he doesn’t like talking about his honest emotions#bc if he talks about them then He can’t forget them properly bc that moment is now in someone else’s head for them to remember and remind#him of. and he doesn’t want to do that so it’s for the best if he never admits to anything so he’s free to ignore and forget what he wants#In My Opinion. these tags got long i wonder if tumblr is going to delete a bunch lol
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who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it
#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it#idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character#someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it#and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly#its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked#because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately#like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means#it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by#a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time#i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid#so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or#smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them#become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words#but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/#a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened#especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that#need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta#once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it#circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it#actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt#i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me#that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly#mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them#have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP#IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL#yapping
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i love seeing (certain) people bitch about parasites and its like. yeah. now youre rousing the urge to infect you with them
#n a s t y thing to say out loud. I actually have 0 problems and in fact heavily endorse education on malicious spirits and even just...#general dangers that dont come from malicious acts. i know imposters exist Ive dealt with them. I know... insert five million things.#but theres a deep-rooted instinct in me when people start bitching about Lower Beings and Demons and Things That Feed Off You#not as what they are - higher than you are on the food chain - but as mindless gross parasites to be squashed Below you...#I have parasites as a function of myself. Would you like to feel the Static? This isnt about or directed loosely at the random person i saw#I dont know if they were like (what I have an issue with) or coming from that angle. its not about them this is a general thought#that i was reminded of. Have you considered there is an environment and that things like bacteria and insects and so on have#an integral place in the recycling of the universe - as well as /keeping you alive/? have you considered that just because something#will eat you and especially eat what you naturally give off... that doesnt make them an Evil Demon? Have you considered youre#just not the top dog of the universe. god's favourite. where everything else around you exists to be eaten by you or turned#into buildings and concrete to house you or trained and domesticated to protect you and so on. Have you considered#that maybe what you call parasites arent biologically evil things to be eradicated. Heres the thing - and the reason this isnt about the#person who triggered this thought train to move - I think you should bite what bites you. I think you have every right to kill a spirit#that harms you and eat them and chew them up (like I'd do to you if it was inverted). Life is like that. We eat and are eaten. We also#suffer and long to have that lifted. But when people go onnn and onnnn and onnnnnnnn about Demons and these programmed entities#that apparently just refuse to be nice and have fallen to temptation and to feeding off you because theyre abusive (and...#simultaneously. mindless.)... haha. would you like to get to know actual parasites? because the Sky is like that.#you hold its oxygen in your veins it's your choice if you want me to trigger the Choir singing inside you. and thats not even talking about#the Static I mentioned.#~abyssal murmurs#either way. Things will feed off you yes. Do warn people about it. Spirits are like everything in the animal kingdom and earth's ecosystems#- complex. Not human-serving. Not bound to your ideas of morals. Sometimes incredibly violent and abusive and traumatic and malicious.#but my godddd shut up about how youre love and light and that attracts Evil Demons like yes. Your food is beautiful to the fruit fly#but maybe nature doesnt operate off your self-centred morality complex. You are not the centre of their universe
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hey god if you've created someone for me can you introduce me to them sooner? i kinda need them now
#like i know i know im sad and hurt but in my heart even the worst breakup friendship or otherwise can kill my hope#like i know this is gods plan for me this is my arc but god it's getting worse and harder everyday#i thought nothing could be worse than yesterday but i hadn't lived today them#then*#i need to talk to someone so bad oh god sl yesterday i had the exam right#and like i don't even know what happened i thought i was going to fail even after giving my 2000% studying#for like 10 hours a day for 15 days for this one exam#and i was panicking and shivering so bad that my heart felt like it would fly out of my chest it was beating so hard#and so fast it didn't even beat like that when i climb too many stairs#and i tried to deep breathe but nothing worked it was so scary like yeah i get stressed sometimes#but this was another level so scary i was nauseous too#and then i clicked submit and i got 82!!!#when i was so sure i was gonna fail because i was only sure about 54 marks answers and the passing was 50#and i got really happy and relieved and then i realized. oh. i don't have anyone to tell#like yeah i told my dad and he was like oh cool ofcourse you did very good#because he doesn't GET it that im not smart anymore and 10th cbse is not an accurate measure of intelligence#he wasn't even happy or surprised he was like well nice obviously#and that's it. i didn't have anyone else to tell#granted i hadn't even told anyone i was giving the exam. i mean i say anyone as if im swimming in friends#only have one. two if u stretch. and i didn't say. cause like idk doesn't really seems like anyone cares#and aah stupid emotional me before the exam i was feeling sad and trying not to panic (??? why??) and CRY in the car because i was thinking#that how my mom always drops me to exam centres and we talk i play music and when im getting out she says all the best beta#and the beta. wow i typed this and immediately have tears in my eyes now. i don't even understand why but#idk i made it up to be a little tradition in my head and i really wanted to call my mom and say mom pls can u say all the best#to me now bc i think ill fuck it up and im really scared and maybe if u give your blessing it'd be okay. but then i thought how embarrassin#it wld be if i failed. bc we don't have any kind of rship my mom and me. and then when she heard i passed from dad she didn't even call me#or anything. thank god i didn't do all that drama but fucking hell. this is all just for me right nobody cares not my parents#and it's too difficult im crumbling under the pressuee but i have to grit my teeth and do it or ill never be able to get out of this house#and i know ill find people when i do get out. but in the meantime. please god ji just one person idc who girl boy friend or love ANYONE#ik it's weak & ik i shld be enough on my own. but pls i just CAN'T.they dont even have to put up with me they just have to care a bit
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Thinking about one of the loser men I dated directly post-college who, after I showed them Dirty Computer [the emotion picture] by Janelle Monae, said they "prefer rap that has something to say"
#this person identified as a man but used they/them pronouns just in case that was confusing#but yeah like. what does that mean. did you watch the video#also one time said colorado edibles were 'too strong' and therefore 'dangerous'#they said that COLORADO should have more 'regulations' imposed on weed products lmfao#also when i was watching mad men and expressed that i liked it#they were like 'i dont see the appeal bc the commentary feels obvious to anyone whos lived on the east coast' skskdkdkelsdnakas#they had the WEIRDEST complex about being from the east coast. like. most tightly wound person ive ever met in my life#who was constantly insisting they were sooo type b and so chill and go-with-the-flow#and like yeah im aware im from one of the most laid back slacker states#but this person was one of the most uptight people ive ever met let alone dated#and just had like 0 self awareness about it#like they would exclusively wear button downs sweater vests and cardigans. wouldnt be caught dead in a hoodie unless it was northface#would only drink coffee if it was made from a french press#also see above story about edibles (which was the biggest 'fight' we ever got in bc i was like what the fuck r u talking about)#like. the label says clearly how much thc cbd etc is in each edible and how many doses there are per container#what else could you want#if you dont know how itll affect you just take half or even a quarter of one first???#this still gets me heated to think about#but yeah like what kind of person sees DIRTY COMPUTER and is like 'hmm not political enough' lmfao#OH ALSO guess why we broke up#the blm protests happened and they said they were just 'too affected by police violence to be dating right now'#(they were very much white. blonde white)#and then i found out 11 months after we broke up that they had started dating a poc a month before we broke up#because i saw an anniversary post they did and i was like '...wait a minute'#and a friend of mine used to work with them after we broke up and according to him this person would constantly bring up what a great 'ally'#they were for dating a poc#fucking. wild
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