#don't choose suicide

[smtown-tourist]

A Letter to You - Year 7:

To our SHINiest angel,

It's been seven years since you passed. How sad, some might say, that we've now had to go seven years without you; unlucky that we lost you at such a young age. But the number seven is believed to be lucky, so how can this anniversary possibly be a sad one, an unlucky one?

I don't believe that it is. I think the fact that this is your seventh anniversary has granted us and your members with an abundance of luck. That is why I've decided that the theme of this year's letter will be luck. I will share with you the ways in which SHINee, your members, and SHINee World have been lucky this year.

How was SHINee lucky this year?

I'll start as I always do with talking about your group. In coordination with it being your seventh anniversary, I've chosen photos from SHINee's own seventh year - 2015. That was the year that SHINee became one of the groups to beat the dreaded Seven Year Curse, and it was also the year that your group made their comeback with the title song, View. SHINee was lucky to have you that year because View might not have succeeded and become the beloved song that it is now had you not changed the lyrics for it. With this coming year to become the tenth anniversary since that comeback, I have a feeling we're in for a real treat.

As for this current year, SHINee's luck centers less around the group as a whole and more so for the members as individuals. Each of your members have made a solo comeback this year. It's kind of ironic when you think about the fact that 2015 also marks the year of when you became a soloist. Seven years after you made your group debut, you made your solo debut, and during the year that marks the seventh year since your death, all of your group members release solo albums of their own. Are any of them aware of that connection? We'll never know - it could simply be a coincidence - but I like to think that there is some work of Fate at play. After all, your members are continuing on in your name and memory. Being the solo artists that you only got to be for a short amount of time is just another way of doing so.

Yet, SHINee does have one piece of group luck this year. To honor their 16 years of being together, SHINee decided to finally tie the knot. No, I don't mean literally. It's just the running joke that's been circling the fandom ever since SHINee decided to get matching group rings. That's right - your members, and you as well, all have matching rings that symbolize the bond and commitment you've had to one another since your formation, rings that they sometimes have a tendency to wear on their ring fingers as if they truly are married to one another. Did you think they would've forgotten to get you one or not cared to do so? You should know your members better than that. With every fiber of their being, your members want to stay connected to you in whatever way possible. You are always in their hearts and now you are bond to them spiritually as much as you were to them physically when you were still alive.

Just so you know, your husbands have been flaunting their rings every chance they get with the biggest, happiest smiles on their faces. You once bought yourself a pair of couple's rings because you were so infatuated with the idea of being committed to someone that you couldn't help yourself. You even wore both at times. There's no doubt in my mind you would've been right there with your members, flaunting your ring for all to see. You probably would've made a cheesy marriage announcement on Blue Night, teasing your listeners only to reveal that it's SHINee you're now married to. I can already imagine the field day you would've had with the SHINee is Married to Each Other running joke inside the fandom. You would've definitely taken immense enjoyment out of teasing the Shawols that you get to be married to the other SHINee members and they don't. I could even see you grabbing one of the other members and telling the Shawols to back off because they're your man. Oh, how I wish you could be around for this part of SHINee's history.

How was Onew lucky this year?

Other than making an amazing solo comeback this year like all the rest of your members, he also managed to break free of SM (as a solo artist). Onew is now signed under GRIFFIN Entertainment, an agency founded by one of his close friends, which allowed him the honor of being the first artist to be signed under the new company.

This new beginning has allowed for Onew to branch outside his comfort zone and try new things, such as rapping. It makes me wonder if you knew that this was a skill Onew had been hiding from us all these years. You yourself were a main vocalist that had hidden rapping talents, so I'm sure that you did. Perhaps it was your own courage to branch outside your designated role in the group and try rapping for a change that gave Onew the courage to do the same.

Signing with GRIFFIN Entertainment was also the moment that finally brought Onew out of Hiatus. In a roundabout sort of way, it can be seen as lucky that Onew put himself on Hiatus to begin with because that time spent healing allowed him to make that decision to leave SM in the first place. There were sacrifices he had to make, like missing out of SHINee's Hard Comeback and all but one of SHINee World 6's concerts, but in the end I feel as if they were worth it. I believe you would've seen them as worth it as well since Onew is so much happier promoting as a solo artist through GRIFFIN Entertainment.

How was Key lucky this year?

Most of Key's luck revolves around his solo career and it comes in twos, kind of like how you two always came as a pair. I'll start with the fact that Key made two solo comebacks this year. The first was a Japanese comeback with the single, Tongue Tied. Though the song and cinematography of the music video are very much Key, I can see elements of you in them as well. It has a very heavy bass sound, and as we all know, that was the instrument that you used to play back in your high school days. The chorus is also very falsetto-heavy, which I think you would've enjoyed since you were the king of falsetto.

The other comeback was a Korean comeback (of course) - a mini-album titled, Pleasure Shop. The thing that I want to highlight with this comeback has nothing to do with the actual music from it, though Key knocked it out of the park as always. There was a unique feature from this album, a version of it that contained a martini glass (I know - so very Key). What Key ended up using his copy of the martini glass for wasn't to drink out of like you would've expected. He uses it to store his SHINee rings and the one he got from you. I know I'm not the only Shawol that was brought to tears seeing that ring among the others in the photo he posted of his Pleasure Shop glass. I'm sure it brings you a lot of joy to know that Key still treasures that last birthday present you gave him and it might even bring you to tears to know that he cares for it in the same manner that he does his SHINee rings. You were his best friend, his soulmate - of course he treasures that last piece of you.

The second way in which Key was lucky this year was that he got not one but two solo concerts: an original and then an extension, an Encore concert tour. Both allowed for him to travel across Asia and perform in countries he'd never gotten to do so in as a solo artist. I know you would've been proud of him, especially since both concerts incorporated live bands. You were the first SHINee member to ever have a concert featuring a live band for a majority of the show. Thus this builds another connection that you two now have with each other. Perhaps you were even the one who inspired Key to have a concert such as that. I'm sure you would've greatly approved of Key's choice and maybe even have written him a brand new song that would've utilized the live band to its fullest.

How was Minho lucky this year?

The most important is that Minho got to hold his first ever Solo Concert this year. Now, once again because of Minho, all of the SHINee members have had their own solo concerts. It's a feat that no other group can say they have done, just as SHINee was the first group to ever have all of its members make solo debuts, something that Minho makes sure to remind people of. You were a part of the reason why that is an honor that SHINee holds. That's why I feel this picture of the two of you after you won during you own solo debut promotions is the perfect choice for Minho's section of the letter. Your ambitions as an artist have propelled Minho farther than you will ever know. This can be seen with the fact that for his first solo concert, Minho picked to perform View, a song in which he has never failed to honor you during as he looks up at the sky during your lines and blows you a kiss. As long as Minho is around, you will never be forgotten and you will never stop being loved.

As important as it was that Minho got to hold his first ever solo concert, that concert wouldn't have happened this year had it not been for the fact that he also made a solo comeback. It was with this comeback that SHINee was able to claim the title of all members having a full-length solo album. So now, not only have all of the SHINee members had solo debuts but they also have all had a solo concert and released a full-length solo album. Yet another way in which the five of you will forever be tied.

After the release of this album, I found a connection that tied your group's full length solo album releases together. Minho's title song is called Call Back while the title song for Taemin's first full-length solo album, which, as you know, also happened to be the first of the SHINee members' full-length solo albums to be released, is called Press Your Number. The connection starts with the fact that Taemin's song is about calling your loved one but it fails to reach them while Minho's song is about calling your loved one back. Both of their songs, in short, are about calling a loved one but it's the fact that Minho, who was the last SHINee member to release a full-length album, had a song about calling your loved one back that makes it feel as if those two albums are connected. How lucky is it that Minho found a way of bringing SHINee's first full-length solo albums back full circle? Like a loop forever connecting all of them.

How was Taemin lucky this year?

Taemin's luck is like all three of the others' combined. Like Onew, Taemin was able to escape SM and sign onto Big Planet Made Entertainment as a solo artist. This change has allowed him the creative freedom that he's always wanted, the ownership of his own solo career, thus bringing me to reason number two.

Like Key (and Onho), Taemin made a solo comeback with his album, Eternal. This album had duel title tracks: Sexy in the Air and Horizon, the latter which he helped create. I believe wholeheartedly that you are the reason for Taemin wanting to take that leap and sign with a new company that would give him creative freedom. His solo career at SM, as you probably well know, was heavily controlled by the company. You, on the other hand, never allowed SM to dirty your solo career with their hands. Right out the gate, you advocated for your albums to only contain pieces you wrote, something that is still unheard of. You took charge, you put your body and soul into every aspect of your solo career, and its because of that that your solo artistry lives on in history. Taemin has benefited from the example you set, even if it is too late for you to see the results of that.

Like Minho, one of the biggest aspects of Taemin's luck this year is his first solo concert tour with Big Planet Made. Taemin's concerts, as you well know since you attended his very first ever, have always been spectacular but with this one, you can really see his newfound creative freedom coming to life. It's breathtaking, simply out of this world, and I look forward to seeing it in-person myself this coming February. Yep, that's right - Taemin has achieved his life-long goal of a solo world tour. I bet you're crying right now, aren't you? So unbelievably proud and happy for your maknae. I'll be cheering extra hard just for you at his Chicago concert.

In his own personal experience of luck this year that differs from the other members', Taemin accomplished two things that have since made everyone well aware of why he's known as the Idol's Idol. First, he became a host on Mnet's idol survival show, Road to Kingdom: Ace of Ace. I know, right?! Introverted Taeminnie - a host of a show! Can you believe it? All of the Idols on the show were worshiping the ground he walked on. It was so cute and funny to watch. You would've been proud of seeing Taemin surrounded by so many fanboys since you yourself were always giddy whenever you had a fanboy of your own. Though, you probably would've made sure to remind everybody who the president of the Taemin Fanboy Club was.

Lastly, at the KGMAs, Taemin received three awards, the most of any solo artist that attended that year. His performance at the award shows was the moment that really had people realizing that Taemin is the best solo artist K-pop has ever seen. He stole the show, to put it simply. I don't think anyone in the industry can claim that Taemin is tone-deaf anymore after that performance. As SHINee's main vocalist, he would've made you proud with the unbelievable power of his live vocals, and it's thanks to you and the example you set that he's able to sing as well as he can. I'm sure that's why you had no problems leaving SHINee because you knew that your main vocalist role would be in good hands once you left.

How was SHINee World lucky this year?

We, the Shawols, have been lucky in so many ways this year it's hard to fathom. So many concerts, so many fan events, so many solo comebacks. We got our Dubu Leader back. We know that OnTae are in good hands now. We got Waterbomb versions of Onew (yeah, I know!), Minho, and Taemin. I'm sure that, had you been around, you would've been one of the first SHINee members to sign up for Waterbomb since you not only had a fondness for shirtless performances but water-based ones as well. I'm already sweating thinking about Waterbomb versions of your She Is tracks. That album's songs were practically made to be performed at Waterbomb.

In most recent events, SHINee World has been lucky to have experienced the example you set of standing up for what you believe to be right. During the protests for which called to have president Yoon Suk Yeol impeached after his declaration of martial law, K-pop fans of all different fandoms came together to wave their lightsticks. The brightest were those belonging to SHINee World. So many pockets of Pearl Aqua Light in the crowd, and it's thanks to you that SHINee World was raised so well. You stood up against injustice at a time when no other idol would. That example is the reason why Shawols, young and old, male and female, joined together to protest the injustice of martial law being enacted and the impeachment of the president that declared it. Your bravery and righteousness has left a lasting impact on SHINee World and we are so lucky of that. Even if you couldn't be there in-person with SHINee World at that moment, your presence was still felt, and in an act that would've made you even more proud than seeing SHINee World protesting, SHINee's infamous fandom-uniting anthem, Ring Ding Dong, was played during the protest itself. If that doesn't showcase the legacy you've left behind, then I don't know what does.

Overall, your birthday this year was the luckiest day of all. Why? Because a solar eclipse happened on that day. As if celebrating your birthday every year isn't enough of a treat, getting to do so during a solar eclipse made it even better. We all fondly recounted the special connection you always had with the moon. That connection felt stronger during that solar eclipse than it ever had while you were alive. It felt as if you were making a special appearance on your birthday and being you, it could only happen in the most dramatic way possible. Delusional to think, I know, but that connection you made between yourself and the moon through your fondness for it has kept so many of us Shawols alive - literally. It's given us something to talk to when nobody else wants to listen. It's a presence at night that helps lull us to sleep knowing that we have someone there that's watching over all of us and we're not as alone as we might think. It's a reminder that though you are gone, your memory and spirit still lives on. We're lucky that we get to experience that connection every night when the moon is in the sky, but this year, we were lucky enough to experience that connection during the day, too, and on your birthday no less. The fact that the solar eclipse just so happen to fall on your birthday this year was lucky in and of itself.

Seven years have passed and more will follow, but don't think that its only on the seventh year of your passing that SHINee, your members, and SHINee World have been blessed with luck. We were lucky the moment we found you. We were lucky the moment that you were born because none of our lives would be the same had you not been a part of them in some way. And you, Jonghyun, our SHINiest angel, are also lucky because it's thanks to your own luck that You Did Well.

[lord-squiggletits]

Y'know the thing about writing feral/unhinged versions of Orion/Optimus, is that you can't go too far into the feral/unhinged direction to a point where OP's core character traits are lost or become too diminished. After all, in a multiple-continuity franchise like TF, part of what makes the stories make sense is that even if details change (sometimes major details), the characters are still recognizably themselves to one degree or another. (Although this isn't always the case due to executive meddling or some characters being such blank slates from their initial G1 appearances that there's basically nothing to model them off of, but I digress.)

It's pretty much another reason why I love IDW1 Optimus, bc he literally is a canonical feral/unhinged Optimus who's unhinged as a direct consequence of who he is as a person and what he's been through. Like, he still has those fundamental character traits of trying his best to be moral and make good choices, trying to be a role model, etc, except after 4 million years of war and untreated depression he's basically holding onto his sense of self by his fingertips. So when he "goes feral" e.g. losing his temper and beating up/killing people or saying hurtful things, he's feral in a way that's directly tied to his normal personality and not just as a random quirk he has.

IDW OP's feral moments arise from the gaps between "Optimus' attempts to be who he thinks he needs to be" and "the reality of the world that he can't fix/seems to only make worse" that cause him to lose hope, or become cynical, or lose his temper. But in this case, the unhinged-ness makes perfect sense because it arises out of Optimus trying and failing to be the best person or to make the most morally good choices he's trying to make. Basically, the "feral/unhinged" label is just another way of me trying to say that he's not just unhinged because he's weird or because he's a bad person, but because it's an emotional reaction (more like an emotional explosion due to pent-up emotions) to the context he exists in.

I'd also say that IDW OP's personality being generally reserved/stoic and (trying to be) noble works in tandem with those moments he has of going feral because it makes him more realistic. His psyche is treated in a way where the writers are like, "Hey what if the pressure of having to be everyone's idol and be the best person in the galaxy at all times actually broke Optimus down mentally and emotionally?" It makes IDW OP far more relatable. Instead of naturally being a perfect Christ-like figure who never wavers in his morals or convictions and is just naturally a nice person who always has the wisest and best answer, being a good person is something that IDW OP has to consciously strive to be. Even when he feels like it's useless, or the cycle of violence will never stop, or any attempts he makes to help only ends up with things becoming worse.

And I feel like this does a service not only to IDW Optimus as a character, but also as a sort of moral/philosophical perspective for the reader to ponder upon? I feel like culture at large (or at least my experience of it) tends to believe that "goodness" in a person is simply an innate feature that people are born/not born with, and that being "good" means that you must be good at all times, both in your actions as well as the way you feel emotionally about yourself and the world. Like, there's a tendency for our vision of "a good person" to be good in every aspect at all times without having to try to be a good person. So I think IDW Optimus' character stands as a good example of how someone can be good at heart but still struggle to maintain those feelings of optimism and hope and justice. It's a good idea to have such a paragon of a character (in-universe and out-of-universe) be so conflicted and to even be mistaken, misguided, or make things worse because it shows that goodness is as much about "trying to behave/act in a way that is good" and not just "existing as an innately good person."

It's way more realistic for a person to want to be good, try to be good, and sometimes/often fail than it is for them to just be a good person. I enjoy the fact that IDW Optimus is both a good person at heart, but also has to strive to be a good person and live up to other people's expectations of what they see in him. I like how he wants to be a good person and change society for the better, but he also spends a good amount of time either feeling hopeless and alone or being angry at/detached from other people because of how frustrated they make him. He's realistically portrayed as someone who wants to be good and hopeful and change things for the better, but is also mentally and emotionally broken by that burden because of how impossible it is for him to Fix Everything and be the Perfect Prime/Leader/Autobot that people see him as. It's this fascinating mixture of "yes, this is who he is as a person" but also "there are things he desires to be that he could never possibly become or live up to."

This got really far off based from feral/unhinged Optimus sdklfjaslkdlfkas. The TLDR is that if people want unhinged OP, I feel like they should give IDW OP a chance because he IS unhinged but he's unhinged in a way that's a realistic/thematic representation of how being an Absolute Good is impossible. And how being a good person isn't just about Existing And You Are A Good Person, but rather goodness is a constant state of flux in which you adjust, you make mistakes, you lose your temper and feel hopeless, but then you pick yourself up and try again.

Also IDW OP really likes climbing in dangerous wilderness and jumping out of flying vehicles which I think is very feral and sexy of him to do.

[sol-consort]

something about being in an online game makes you want to personally give every tank player who's ever lived a kiss on the lips

[the-busy-ghost]

Me normally: Let people love what they love

Me, after a Test Match Special commentator expresses their belief that the new All Creatures Great and Small is somehow "better" than the 1978 version: This is pure insanity and TMS can no longer be trusted on anything, how can they even be trusted to know about cricket, do they have no TASTE

[chainsawl]

ID: Bmo smugly quoting a discord screenshot by saying "they call me 007. 0 money 0 pussy 7 suicide attempts". end ID

ID: Bmo looking over Finn and Jake, who are looking at him concerned. He says "wow not even an lol. okay i see how it is". end ID

ID: bmo on the process of jumping from a window while saying "they call me 008". Finn, jake, or both are screaming "Wait-" . end ID.

[shikai-the-storyteller]

TBH the best case scenarios in my mind for Fit's lore ending on Thursday are either:

Madagio has mercy. They know what it's like to lose everyone they love, and seeing what's happening on Quesadilla Island is just a reminder of everything they loved and lost. Madagio releases Fit, and he reunites with Pac e Mike and Richarlyson, and they're all able to leave Quesadilla Island.

Or:

Madagio and Fit destroy the Federation together. Fit goes full 2B2T mode and there's nothing left of the Federation once they're finished. Madagio and Fit finally have their revenge. (And then maybe Fit can reunite with Pac + all his loved ones and they escape the Island, or reclaim the island for their own since the Federation no longer has any power over them).

Bonus: A very unlikely but "Wouldn't it be fun?" scenario would be Pac and Mike flying down on a fully-grown dragon Richas and rescuing Fit from Vacuus Island and they fly away and live happily ever after.

[cxdemusings]

@hughesxmaes

Sometimes he dreamt of it. Coming home from grade school, excited to tell her about his day. He had to be the one to call the emergency number, holding the phone with shaking hands. Anything that happened after that had been a blur.

Experiencing that as a child was traumatizing--it would've been for anyone. Even with therapy, he knew that was something he'd never forget.

Goro Akechi had long since learned how to wake up silently from such nightmares, and now he was staring at his ceiling in a cold sweat. Running his fingers through his hair, he tried to remember what his therapist told him could help alleviate stress he felt whenever this happened.

So he got a cup of water from the kitchen. On his way back, he realized his father's door was ajar--was it like that on the way past the first time? He stopped to glance into the room, wondering if the man was really sleeping.

The man that stepped up and chose to be his dad.

Got him the help he needed.

Provided for and supported him on a good path for himself.

He owed Hughes a lot, and one day he'd make sure he knew just how grateful he was that he'd chosen him...chose to be his father.

[priestbitmoved]

                                  [ ˑ ˑ ˑ ] 𝑫𝑶𝑵𝑵𝑰𝑬 𝑾𝑨𝑻𝑻𝑺 & 𝑭𝑨𝑴𝑰𝑳𝒀 , a comprehensive study.

This meta will discuss Donnie's relationship with his actual family members and his relationship with family as a concept. Here I'll be exploring how his attitude towards it has shifted and changed throughout his life. I will be touching on some fairly triggering topics in this meta, all of which have been tagged and listed below. For that reason, this meta is under a read more. Please take care when reading, and don't worry if you aren't in the headspace to read this, there's no hard feelings.

Please be aware that the following topics will be discussed, some in greater detail than others: addiction, child neglect/abuse, allusions to csa, religious trauma, homophobia, pregnancy, addiction, drug use, alcoholism, family death, suicide, trauma, and discussions of war.

Donnie, despite all the misconceptions one may have of him, is motivated by family and legacy. It haunts him in a way that nobody talks about. Every man in the Watts family tree, as far back as they can trace being in the States, has served the military in one way or the other. Every man in the Watts family, since the end of the Civil War, has owned and trained horses for one purpose or the other. They may not have been in that profession their entire lives, but they all started there. Donnie did. His father did. His brother did. You get the idea. This is part of the reason why Donnie always felt so conflicted about what he'd do once he'd graduated high school. Would he continue the family legacy and enlist like his father had? Would he follow in his brother's footsteps and look to make a name for himself as a rancher? Or would he follow his heart and become a rockstar?

Ultimately, Donnie decided to follow his heart. He's always had something to prove, his mother made sure of that. He was going to make his family (and to him, at the age of nineteen, his family consisted of his brother, his sister-in-law, his niece, and his nephew) proud. He was going to do something that would, in his eyes, make him worthy of their love. Achieving his dreams would also show them how good of a job they did in taking him in, as he always feels as though he owes them for that (even though they volunteered to do it, and were happy to help out their little brother. Brody especially, as he carries so much guilt for leaving Donnie alone with their mother in the first place.)

I think that, as a child, Donnie based his notion of family off of what his mother told him. His idea of what a family should be was very much in line with the nuclear family, a mother, a father, the white picket fence, and two children. The idea of it was hammered into his head so often-and so brutally-that he felt othered by the fact that he was being raised by a single mother. This othering led to him resenting the very idea of the family home. He hated it whenever his mother would try to engage in things like family dinner at the dining table. Or dragging him to church every Sunday because that's what families were supposed to do.

When he was taken away from his mother at the age of twelve, he was introduced to what an actual, healthy family unit looked like. Brody Watts had gotten away from Texas and made a damn good life for himself. He had two beautiful kids, a wife who adored him, and Dogwood Ranch in his care. Spending his teen years with Brody and Cassidy helped heal a lot of childhood wounds, so much so that by the time his eighteenth birthday rolls around and his mother contacts him for the final guilt trip he'll ever receive from her all he can do is feel hatred for her. Hatred for her and love for the brother who'd taken him in, love for the sister-in-law who had become the older sister he'd always wanted, and love for the kids who called him 'Uncle D!' whenever they saw him. He wanted that. He wanted a home like theirs, warm and welcoming and the total opposite of the crucifix-infested battlefield that his mother had raised him in.

His early twenties were rough. Addled by fame he was not prepared for, and an addiction to anything that takes him skywards for a couple of hours. Heroin was the real killer. He overdosed twice, and was saved twice by a family he didn't share a single drop of blood with. Rancid Creature wasn't just a successful metal band, Rancid Creature was Donnie's entire world, and a love letter to the dear friend he'd lost in Lee Bennett (who had conceptualised the band when they were thirteen and still fumbling their way through learning how to play their instruments. Lee played bass, Donnie was the drummer. The dream rhythm section.) Izzy, Sammy and Clara were, and still are, like siblings to Donnie. He would drop anything to help them... he knew it wasn't the conventional family, but it was his. It was the only one he could have around all the touring and the TV interviews anyway.

Family wasn't just a loving partner and a couple of kids running around to Donnie anymore. But it's the prospect of a family that ultimately pushed him into getting clean. Anita Huerta, a long-term on and off girlfriend, revealed that she was pregnant, and that she wanted to keep the baby. She wanted to get clean for the baby, and so did Donnie. He'd swore years before that he'd never abandon his children, he'd never subject them to his bullshit the same way his mother had. Donnie, wanting nothing more than to cultivate a warm, safe, family environment for his and Anita's child, got clean.

Now that he's in his early thirties, he knows that he doesn't need to have the conventional nuclear family to be happy. A happy family home doesn't look the same for everyone, and despite the fact that he's always stressing over being as good a dad to Emma as possible, he knows this. Family is whoever you feel safe with, family is whoever helps when you're at your worst, family isn't just blood. Donnie took a long time coming to this conclusion, and he still struggles with undoing the mess his mother made of his brain, but he's there. And he doesn't intend on backing away from it anytime soon.

For some quick-fire headcanons about Donnie's family members and his relationships with those family members, look no further!

𝑅𝐸: 𝑀𝐸𝐿𝐼𝑆𝑆𝐴 𝑊𝐴𝑇𝑇𝑆 ( fc : Willa Fitzgerald & Mary Mcdonnell. )

Melissa Rose was the youngest of five daughters. Her father detested the fact that his wife would only ever give him daughters when what he really wanted was sons. This made him angry, abusive, unfaithful, and a drunkard. Her father, Adam, was a Baptist pastor. His sermons were the very definition of 'Brimstone and Hellfire.' He was a stern but charming man, with an agreeable face and the picture-perfect family. He was all about image, and this attitude would stick with Melissa all her life.

She actually wanted to run away from Texas her whole life, she had dreams of becoming a Hollywood star. She was always told that she was pretty enough to be in the movies.

Melissa married Colton Watts on a total whim, their romance was an intense whirlwind of emotions and intimacy. She'd never been treated so kindly by a man before Colton came along. He promised her the world. And then he went to war.

When Colton returned home, he was a totally different man. He was emptier than she remembered him, and she was resentful. He would have weeks, even months, of being the happy-go-lucky sweetheart she'd married. Then he'd retreat into himself and would prefer to speak to the horses he cared for than he would to her.

Eleven years of unsteady marriage later, Brody Watts was born. The euphoria of being a new parent didn't last long, Colton would soon retreat back into the stables. The same would happen ten years later when Donovan was born.

After Colton's death, and after Brody ran away from his mother's venomous tongue, Melissa was left alone to raise her youngest son. She never called him Donnie, she would only ever call him Donovan.

Donnie, as a toddler, would actually prefer the company of his mother. He enjoyed being bounced on her hip while she went about the household chores. He enjoyed listening to her read. He found his father to be something of a ghost. However, he did run and hide under Brody's bed whenever she'd get into one of her bad moods. She was vicious, a caged animal unleashed on her family.

When Colton died, Donnie was seven. And Melissa fell hard into heavy drinking. Her fuse grew shorter, and even the smallest of mistakes made by Donnie would set her off. If he cried? She'd shout. If he spilt or dropped something? She'd shout. Without even realising it, Melissa had become her father.

Donnie grew older, more vocal, and pushed back against Melissa's temper. He was rewarded with violence, with unwarranted sermons. She would punish him by making him copy entire verses from the Bible by hand. She would take scissors to his hair whenever he refused to go and get it cut. Donnie's defensive, and often explosive temper, was born here. As was his desire to solve everything with his fists.

Melissa didn't hide what she thought of her son from him. She thought he was gay, and would tell him so. She would often fling slurs at him. She thought he was a sinful child, a demon given to her as punishment for running away from her family with his father. She would tell him this too.

She would also blame him routinely for his father's death. Something that Donnie still hasn't been able to shake.

Donnie was sent to a "summer camp" that the local church ran by his mother to "fix" his behaviour. The children would learn to camp, would learn to work, and would learn to be "more Christian" in their attitudes. It was essentially a behaviour retreat for delinquent kids. It was here that one of the pastors would assault Donnie.

The second he returned home, Donnie bypassed telling his mother anything and took himself straight to the local sheriff's station. He told them everything about the pastor, and about his mother. The sheriff was an old army friend of Colton's and had suspected that something was amiss for years. He was the one who saw to it that the social services took Donnie away from Melissa.

Donnie hasn't seen his mother since, and he hasn't heard from her since his eighteenth birthday. He doesn't even know if she's still alive or not, he hasn't thought to check. He's glad to have cut her out of his life, even if there has always been a longing in him to try and get through to her. Sometimes he misses her reading to him as a child, sometimes he misses her embrace. Sometimes he just wants his mom.

He only ever refers to her as 'mother' or 'Melissa.' Only in really vulnerable moments does he ever slip up and call her 'mom.'

A lot of Donnie's self-loathing stems from the way his mother treated him. A lot of Donnie's internal homophobia stems from his mother. A lot of Donnie's issues with his own masculinity stem from his mother. All of his issues with religion and the idea of a benevolent god stem from his mother's attitudes and the fact that she sent him away to that "summer camp." He's slowly coming to terms with this and feels so much resentment towards her for it that whenever she's mentioned he tends to get stiff and oddly quiet. It takes him a long time to learn to talk about her without feeling angry, and he does so for Emma's sake.

Donnie looks most like his mother, with her soft features, curly hair, and pretty green eyes. It's why he'd always take great offence to anybody ever calling him a girl when he was a teenager.

𝑅𝐸: 𝐶𝑂𝐿𝑇𝑂𝑁 𝑊𝐴𝑇𝑇𝑆 ( fc : Robert Redford. )

Colton was the middle child out of three. His older brother, Tristan, died in France, and his youngest brother, Michael, moved to Europe in the summer of forty-seven. His parents owned Dogwood Ranch, as many Watts had before them. It was the ancestral home of the Watts family.

He was raised Catholic, as many are in Longing.

He moved to Texas with his older brother to pursue a Rodeo career. Colton was a promising young Bronc rider and adored working with horses more than anything else. He also enjoyed playing guitar and singing. Music was always going to be a huge part of Donnie's life.

It was there he met Melissa Rose, who looked as though she'd just wandered off of a movie set. Colton was smitten with her, and she was smitten with him. They were young and reckless and felt invincible, and Colton wanted to give Melissa the world. They were married within six months, and, with Tristain's help, living on a plot of land in Copeville within the year.

Then he enlisted and went to war. Colton took his guitar with him to France and would sing for his fellow soldiers whenever he was able. He kept them entertained and happy despite the horrors they saw. He burned his candle at both ends and returned with bullet holes in his guitar, and holes in his heart.

He tried to fight the numbness with all his might. He tried to be present for his sons, but he'd often find himself feeling the chill of The Bulge even in the height of a Texan summer and would slip into his own mind for hours at a time.

To cope, Colton hid himself away in the shed or the stables, fearing what he might do if he was around his family for any longer than a few hours at a time. He could not trust his own body or mind.

As a result, his sons often saw him as a stranger. He tried to make up for it by teaching them guitar chords, showing them how to handle horses, or singing with them. He felt especially close to Donnie, who seemed to take better to his musical inclinations than Brody did. Brody seemed more interested in horses.

Donnie recalls several key moments with his father. Being taught to play the guitar, how to handle a gun, how to ride, how to be a Bronc rider, and being taken to Dallas when his father was due to meet with old war buddies.

Whenever talking about his father, Donnie often calls him his 'old man.' He seems to talk about him with far more respect than he ever does with his mother, despite feeling like he hardly knew him. Donnie also feels an affinity with his father now that he's an adult, especially since he's been through trauma and had to deal with the aftermath.

Donnie still owns his father's guitar, it's easily his most prized possession. He owned a silver signet ring with a cursive 'W' on it that his dad took with him to France and gave to Donnie for good luck. The ring had been in the Watts family for as long as anybody can remember. Donnie gives it to James Gallowes for good luck and as a symbol of his love for him.

In terms of appearance, Donnie takes after Colton's physical build. Looking at photographs of the two of them where their faces aren't visible, you could be forgiven for thinking it's the same person. Donnie also has his father's toothy smile and, according to Brody, Donnie's voice is freakishly similar to their dad's.

Donnie used to resent the fact that Colton put a bullet in his own mouth. It sent Brody away because it made Melissa worse.

𝑅𝐸: 𝐵𝑅𝑂𝐷𝑌 𝑊𝐴𝑇𝑇𝑆 ( fc : Charlie Hunnam. )

Brody is ten years older than Donnie. Has their mother's softer face shape like Donnie does, but the rest of his face is all Colton. Right down to the scruffy blond beard and pin-straight hair. Brody's whole demeanour is gruff, but kind. He's quick to smile and far more optimistic than his younger brother.

When they were kids, Brody would jokingly refer to Donnie as Yosemite Sam from Looney Tunes whenever Donnie lost his temper. It's why Donnie has a Yosemite Sam tattoo on his arm.

Brody always stepped in and took Donnie away from their mother whenever her temper would flare, and would play with him or read to him to keep him occupied. Sometimes he'd take Donnie up to the stables to look after the horses with him. In that way, Brody was more a parent to Donnie than their actual parents were.

At first, Donnie was confused when Brody took off after Colton's death. Then his mother got worse, and then he got angry at him for abandoning him with their mother. He was so angry that a month into being put into Brody and Cassidy's care, the two had a fight that almost came to blows. It didn't, because Brody outright refused to hurt Donnie anymore than he'd already been hurt. This made Donnie break down and cry. Brody held him and the two spoke about things more calmly.

This blowout didn't diffuse Donnie's resentment entirely, but it helped Donnie understand his brother's reasons for leaving.

The ten-year gap between the two meant that talking as brothers was often difficult for them. But Brody always did his best to be patient with Donnie, to be careful around his trauma and what might set him off. He would also cut through Donnie's moping and ensure that he wasn't self-sabotaging.

Brody also gives full embarrassing dad energy whenever Donnie's got friends over. He endearingly refers to Donnie, Lee and James as 'The Three Stooges.' James would also often find himself staying over at Dogwood Ranch after Donnie discovers that his uncle is mistreating him. Brody allows it because he really wants to encourage Donnie to be more emotionally vulnerable and have more friends.

Donnie and Brody love each other fiercely and will jump to one another's defence without question, even if they find it hard to have deep discussions without the help of a few beers.

Donnie hates disappointing Brody (and by extension, Cassidy), and so doesn't reach out to him for help when he should. He often needs pushing into contacting Brody by his bandmates whenever something's going wrong or he's struggling with Emma on his own.

Donnie's object permeance (yay ADHD!) extends to people. This means, that if things aren't in his immediate everyday life, he tends to neglect them. This makes him terrible at calling Brody and keeping in touch, thankfully, both Brody and Cassidy understand this and will often check in with him of their own volition.

𝑅𝐸: 𝐶𝐴𝑆𝑆𝐼𝐷𝑌 𝑊𝐴𝑇𝑇𝑆 ( fc : Freema Agyeman. )

Cassidy Jonas met Brody Watts and immediately fell in love. They bonded over a love of horses, rock music, and spicy food. They just clicked. Their friendship turned into love and ended with them married at the age of twenty-one. It was the most natural thing in the world.

Cassidy Watts was pregnant with twins when Donnie Watts crossed the threshold of Dogwood for the first time. He reminded her of her grandmother's three-legged cat, Nelson, who used to swipe at newcomers whenever they entered whichever room he happened to be sleeping in. He was jittery and jumped at every little noise. It broke her heart to learn what had happened to him, it made her angry too. Brody had to talk her out of driving to Copeville and giving Melissa Watts a piece of her mind. She couldn't conceive of ever hurting her children.

At first, Cassidy attempted to approach Donnie with kid gloves. That seemed to send him further into his shell. What seemed to appeal to him was being spoken to like an adult. A person in his own right. So she did. Because of the honesty between them, Donnie and Cassidy grew close.

Donnie had the messiest, most unhealthy head of curls when he came to Longing, and not a few months later, Cassidy had them styled and healthier than ever. Being a black woman with tight, coiled hair, she was perfectly qualified to help Donnie treat his curls properly. It was a long, careful routine that Donnie keeps to even now in his early thirties.

After the twins were born, Donnie took to being an uncle like a duck to water. He helped Cassidy with feeding them whenever Brody was out working, and would often keep them entertained when he wasn't out causing mischief with his new friends.

When Donnie's fifteen, Cassidy started to attend classes in hopes of becoming a Doctor or a Nurse, as she'd always dreamed of becoming one as a child.

If asked, Donnie would name Cassidy as the woman who raised him. She was the one who helped him out of panic attacks and soothed him whenever he couldn't sleep, she was the one who talked to him about his romantic feelings for James, she was the one who encouraged him to follow his heart after he graduated. She was also the person who put him in his place whenever he was letting his anger get the better of him.

Donnie almost exclusively calls Cassidy 'Cass', and it's always with the utmost affection. He adores her with his entire being.

Cassidy is also the first person Donnie comes out to, officially. She's the person he turns to whenever he finds himself stuck. He knows she won't judge him or think less of him for messing up. Neither would Brody, but Donnie isn't so confident with that knowledge. He's getting there.

𝑅𝐸: 𝐺𝐼𝑁𝐴 𝐴𝑁𝐷 𝐽𝑂𝑁𝐴𝐻 𝑊𝐴𝑇𝑇𝑆 ( fcs : undecided. )

Georgina and Jonah Watts are fraternal twins and are the only two children of Brody and Cassidy Watts. Donnie views the pair of them as his younger siblings.

The twins refer to Donnie as 'Don' or 'Uncle D' pretty much exclusively.

Gina falls in love with rock music because of her parents and falls deeper in love with metal and alternative music because of Donnie. Donnie often catches her rifling through his tapes when he's not keeping an eye on her. When he leaves Longing, he actually leaves the vast majority of his tapes and vinyl at Dogwood, so that Gina can listen to them. Gina also gifts Donnie with an Iron Maiden poster on his fourteenth birthday, Cassidy informs him that she wanted to give her uncle a present that meant a lot to him. He still has the poster now, it's in a frame on the wall of his office.

Jonah and Donnie bond over horses. Brody held no interest in actually participating in any kind of Rodeo events, and neither did Donnie, but Donnie knew a couple of tricks to help Jonah get started. He showed him how to ride and how to tend to the horses alongside Brody. Jonah also shares Donnie's love of Star Wars and sci-fi. He even starts to copy Donnie when Donnie starts keeping journals and writing things like song lyrics down. Jonah's got a big imagination and an even bigger heart. Donnie encourages him to feel things unapologetically and to talk to his parents when things are bothering him. When he leaves Dogwood, Donnie leaves a good chunk of his books with Jonah, knowing he'll take care of them.

Donnie misses a good chunk of the twins' milestones while he's touring with Rancid Creature, but that doesn't stop them from sending him letters and getting excited whenever he calls. He feels guilty for not being there more for them during this time, and he's always trying to make up for it, even though they hold no hard feelings over it.

Donnie also misses these milestones because he's too high, which he feels deeply ashamed of, despite the understanding he gets from Brody, Cass and the twins.

He might be terrible at calling, but Donnie has an uncanny ability to remember dates, even when he's deep in the throes of addiction and depression. He always sends thoughtful gifts and birthday cards/letters to his niece and nephew. He dedicates more than a couple of songs and awards for his music to them and their parents.

He's their favourite uncle, despite being their only uncle. And they will die defending him. They even show up to one of Rancid Creature's shows in Santa Fe to surprise him one year, and Donnie almost cries with happiness at seeing them. That's his little sister and his little brother! And he will die for them!

[goldiipond]

ohh so ray uses his scarf to hide his id number. ok well what if i hurt someone

[parsleymusic]

the urge to respond to critique about portrayal of unpolitically correct attitudes or phrases or actions or whatever in regards to mental illness with "what if I told you that it's not my job to tell my readers that when my character says stuff like 'my binge eating disorder is not as bad as my brother's bipolar + PTSD combination; he has to win at something' that it's Bad and the Wrong Attitude to have when it's largely a tongue in cheek joke about living with mental illness and watching the people you love experience a different flavor that is also worse

[daz4i]

blegh. it's been a few years but i'm still so mad at my old therapist for screwing me over this much in the long run

[addicted2coke-theothercoke]

Here's a title I guess

You ever get some pissed off and so annoyed at someone or something, and have zero skills coping with emotions cause you're a freaking idiot, so you just need to destroy something but you're in school so all you can destroy without getting in trouble is yourself, so you take a pen and start to grind the tip away on your arm until you've worn away skin, and then proceeded to hit yourself in the back of the head over and over again once you've left the class and are able to do something more noticable, recognizing that doing so also hurts your teeth so two for the price of one?

I have sponged up all my friends mental health problems lol

[tarraxahum]

A whole library of songs I like or know and not one about this one specific topic that follows me everywhere, what the fuck

[oveliagirlhaditright]

I guess it's not overly common, or maybe it is and it's just in fiction, because there's plenty of them, and good in depth ones...but I also have always kind of liked or at least had interest for Bangelus I always was bummed there was never another meeting w them. It was something of ATS that didn't make sense since she was all he thought about last time he was out and he even almost ended the world. It was waste that rematch never happened....

I definitely agree, anon. I imagine a lot of it has to do with the legal issues at the time, of course. With Buffy and Angel being on different networks and the networks not really wanting the different characters to appear on each other's shows.

And, perhaps, the writers felt like if they had a Buffy vs. Angelus thing again--even if there would of course be some differences this time--it would be too much like Buffy season two, so instead they had Angelus vs. Faith instead (which I do love).

But it definitely is weird that Angelus didn't seem to mention Buffy much in Angel season 4, when she was all he thought about before. I think the most we get is him calling Buffy "a pistol," (which is a great line), and him calling Dawn and asking if Buffy's there (to figure out if the Slayer in town he's hearing about is Buffy or Faith), right?

To be honest, we can't deny that some of this might also be because season four is where a lot of where the Angel/C*ordelia plot line is. And during that, the show kind of stopped mentioning Buffy (to maybe try and give the illusion that Angel had moved on some, to try and get the audience to stop thinking of the Angel/Buffy pairing, or moreover to get people to not question... "Wait, how is Angel pursuing a relationship when he still has the curse when the whole reason he left Buffy is because he can't have a relationship if he still has the curse?"). So that might also be part of it. But I definitely think it's moreso the first points.

And, I know I'm biased here, of course (though I do still enjoy Angel/C*ordelia some, though Angel/Buffy is my OTP now), but I don't think Angelus really had feelings for C*ordelia (Buffy seems to be the only person that both the man and demon in him loved). Or if he did, it wasn't like what he felt for Buffy. Because if he had, wouldn't they have made him crazy like his feelings for Buffy had? Like, wouldn't he have wanted to destroy her for making him love her, too, if that had been a thing? So I don't think something like "Angelus had feelings for C*ordelia and that's why he didn't really think about Buffy in season four" was a thing.

The closest we probably ever get to seeing Buffy and Angelus ever interact again in canon is the comics (I don't know if you've read those, anon).

In season 8, I feel like Twilight (this other persona of Angel's, who, is, like partly good and partly bad; and also being possessed by his and Buffy's kind-of-evil kid [it's a super long and complicated story)] is kind of Angelus-like to me. But also Angel-like some. And yes, he and Buffy do end up fighting.

And then in season 10, Angelus makes a brief appearance (when his great-grandsire brings him out again) and he jealously attacks Spike in knowing that at the moment Buffy has chosen to be with him instead. And this definitely seems to hint, of course, that Angelus has finally accepted his feelings for Buffy by this point (the Twilight stuff kind of did, too--if you choose to see Twilight as partly Angelus at all--since he was choosing to be with Buffy and trying to create a perfect world with her, where they and everyone they loved could be together).

There's also a part in the tie-in book "Monster Island" (that takes place in early Buffy season 6 and Angel season 3), where Buffy and Angel (and Gunn) are kidnapped by the Big Bad of the book's minions. To try and get them out, Tara casts a spell to get all magical creatures to attack each other (thinking the demons would then turn against each other, and they could just easily swoop in and save Buffy and Angel at that point). But she didn't count on Buffy and Angel also being magical creatures, of course (or even herself being a magical creature), so Buffy and Angel are trying to break from their bonds to kill each other. And Angel is starting to be very Angelus-like (like, Angel even thinks that), though he's trying to fight it.

...This reply is all over the place. And I don't know if it makes much sense. Sorry about that! But like you, I do kind of wish that we'd gotten more Bangelus in canon! Like, it's cool that in the comics it seems that Angelus has undergone some sort of journey offscreen and accepted his love for Buffy, but I wish we had seen that onscreen somewhere.

But oh well. I guess that's what fanfiction is for:)

Thanks for the ask!

Edit: There's also more Buffy and Angelus in the book "Night Terrors," a Buffy Choose Your Own Adventure book. But if you get on the path where Angelus shows up, it's sort of an alternate canon to Buffy season two, as he shows up earlier there than he did in season two (before he and Buffy make love, etc.).

Angelus is also in the book "One Thing or Your Mother," and the classic comic "Ring of Fire," but they're more missing moments/episodes from season two, than Angelus showing up in a later season and seeing Buffy again or anything like that. I do highly recommend both, however, since you're a Bangelus fan. Especially "One Thing or Your Mother." Oh! And in the tie-in-novel "Here Be Monsters" (that takes place during Buffy season three), there's a section where Buffy is seeing her worst nightmares. I think it's Angelus she sees (and I think she sees herself killing him again? it's been a while), who tells her that she knows how their story is going to have to end (with her killing him once more), and she'd better make it stick this time.

In the tie-in book, "The Evil That Men Do" (a book that takes place in season three), Buffy and Angel are kidnapped by Helen (a former vampire lover of Angelus') and her lover and forced to try to kill each other in a gladiator-like game. They pretend that they've turned on each other to get out of it and get their enemies to try to kill one another (as Helen's lover was always jealous of her and Angelus, and now he fears they're going to be together again).

In the classic comic "City of Despair" (that takes place in Buffy season 4/Angel season 1) Buffy and Angel are abducted to another dimension (called the City of Despair, actually), and forced to battle each other. They both have these collars on their necks, that are impossible to remove and will kill them if they disobey. They're also, like, almost forced to fight against their will: their bodies moving with a mind of their own, I mean. But eventually Buffy realizes that it's literally people's despair keeping them there. She convinces Angel to try to fight against the feeling with her for just one moment: the two of them embrace, and then escape.

Edit 2: Wait. I guess there's also the Buffy book "Big Bad," that has Buffy and Angelus in it, but I haven't read it yet. So I can't tell you how good or in-character that one is atm. And unlike how the original tie-in books and classic comics were always okayed by at least one of the original writers, I'm not sure if these new novels have been. I'm thinking not?

Edit 3: And though a part of me is loath to mention Boom, since they're not canon and I have... not very positive emotions about these comics in a lot of ways. In the first Buffy/Angel comic they were doing, Angel ended up possessed by something called the Hellmother, I believe it was called, while he and Buffy were on a mission in the Hellmouth together. And then Buffy ended up having to fight him.

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

tfw you want to write up a proper post detailing What the Fuck about a particular thing about a character, but you're too exhausted and out of sorts to figure out the best way to format it and you'd rather make an actual concise, relatively coherent post instead of just reblogging it over and over with 'jesus fucking christ'

[kittlyns]

One day I am gonna start journaling again and then I won't post all this sad shit on here but until then! *posts another sad post*