rarethoughts

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I’m not going to feel bad for doing what’s best for me. I’m sorry.

I wish things worked out the many times we tried. But they didn’t. Over and over, it didn’t work. I took time for me. Within that time I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone. I wasn’t expecting to feel anything for anyone. If you ask anyone close to me I was actually actively against all of it. Sometimes things just happen.

I hope one day you can understand that.

I was also told by many people I didn’t owe or have to say anything to you. We are not together. Out of respect I chose to have that conversation with you bc I truly care and want the best for you. I wish you nothing but happiness in life.

That doesn’t seem to matter.

My happiness doesn’t seem to matter.

And that’s okay. I understand.

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Really feel like I’ve been doing a good job at pretending I’m doing okay and showing up to all the things for everyone and putting on a happy face.

But most days I feel like I’m drowning. feel like I don’t even respond to people anymore most of the time.

These last few years have been extremely taxing. With this year has been one of the hardest in a while.

Everyone I’ve talked to says I’m not alone or it’s just the way the world is right now.. but they’re not the ones on the brink of losing everything. Everything I’ve worked so hard for. Gone. In one swift moment. One swift action. It’d all be gone. I’d be gone.

And then what? Nothing. At all. Nothing changes. Life doesn’t stop until you’re gone. And even then.. does it really stop?

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It’s the day after my birthday and I can cry if I want to?

Tbh I don’t know why I always think the anniversary of my birth is going to be amazing. I guess I just thought bc it was a big one it’d be better?

Here’s to hoping my friends will make it great this weekend.

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Waiting for the right moment.

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in english we say: "I love you."

but in poetry we say: "I see you everywhere, in the stars, in the river, to me you're everything that exists; the reality of everything."

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“The people who are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back towards you, no matter how far they wander.”

— Robert Tew

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I wish I could say things clearer but part of me is stuck between wanting it and scared of the possible action to come.

Read the last thoroughly. That’s all I can manage to say right now.

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