#doesn’t exist and would be horrifying and unfair

[stinkbeck]

my aunt made me realize i’ve been accidentally making friends with all these old man republicans because i grew up with dean winchester and figured we all knew masculinity was a kind of like fun performance. like we all like cherry pie bc it’s like the closeted macho gay guy’s favorite thing. we like brooding and leather and vintage cars because it signifies the inner struggle of gay/not gay with an emphasis on being filial. my fuckin bad!!! all these guys are straight and hate me!!!!

[momentsbeforemass]

Unfair

Life is unfair.

We want to think that people get what they deserve. We want to believe that when good things happen, it’s because someone did something to deserve them.

And yet, bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people.

You and I can give a thousand examples. Some of them are heart-breaking.

In a fallen world, the cumulative effect of millennia of bad uses of free will (including yours and mine) ripples through every corner of existence. At times in horrifying ways.

It’s unfair. That’s life. Get used to it.

You know who else is unfair? God.

God is astoundingly unfair. Which is the point of today’s Gospel.

Because there’s something in you and me that wants to think that people get what they deserve. And we want that to be true about God.

We want to believe that when good things happen to us, when God blesses us, it’s because we did something to deserve God’s blessing. Even if we never consciously put the words together, deep down, there’s something in you and me that’s thinking…

I’m a good person. I deserve this. God owes me one.

Which, of course, is a perspective on us that is amazingly divorced from reality. To say this about ourselves, and really mean it, requires us to selectively ignore large chunks of what you and I do and say. Every. Day.

This takes a serious lack of self-awareness, some hardcore obliviousness on our part.

Unfortunately, you and I are up to the challenge. Which sets us up to get upset, to get angry at God’s unfairness.

Because – no matter how good we think we are – the truth is, we’re not. But even if we were, God doesn’t “owe us one.”

Because that’s not how God works.

God doesn’t wait for us to earn His blessings. If He did, you and I would never receive anything from God.

The way God works? God works out of His fundamental nature. And God’s fundamental nature is love.

God does what He does out of His love for us. And God’s love for us is endless.

Which means? God is unfair, in all the best ways.

Out of His great love for us, God doesn’t give us what we deserve.

And for that, I am – quite literally – eternally grateful.

Today’s Readings

[hyperlexichypatia]

Can you imagine the concept of education – of learning – without artificial scarcity or competition? 

What would your educational goals be – for yourself, for your children, for your community, for your country – if you eliminated the framework of competition, hierarchy, or ranking?

I was thinking this when listening to someone say that every parent wants their children to have “every advantage,” and how completely warped that is. Why would you want your child to have an advantage? You should want your child to have the best possible life, but “an advantage” necessitates someone to have an advantage over. When I say I want everyone to have the best possible life, I mean literally everyone, and I mean “best” relative to “all possible life circumstances,” not relative to “all possible other people.” 

 The person I was talking to didn’t even understand the distinction I was making. The framework, the cultural idea, doesn’t exist, of wanting children to learn things, master skills, and have a high quality of life, without reference to learning more than someone else, being better at skills than someone else, or having a higher quality of life than someone else. Learning is an infinite resource. There is no reason it should be scarce. There is no reason someone’s ability to learn should take away from someone else’s ability to learn. 

The resources to facilitate learning – teachers, textbooks, enrollment slots in a particular school – might be finite, but learning itself is infinite. And we can always train more teachers, print more textbooks, and build more schools, if we have the public will to do it. There is no reason that anyone’s experience of learning should have to be any lesser than any other person’s, or that comparisons like that should even be the relevant frame of reference. When I try to argue that educational competition is bad, people rebut me by arguing that education is good. We could unpack what kinds of learning are considered “education,” and why some forms of learning are considered essential for everyone and others are considered optional, but that’s not especially relevant to my point. “Education” and “educational competition” are not the same thing. When I say that focusing on 2 year old children being “ready to compete in preschool” is horrifying, people inform me that preschool is good. Sure, preschool can be good. But why does it have to center on “competition” instead of letting literal babies learn at their own pace? We have a society where babies, as soon as they’re born, are put on a path of competition with other newborns, and we think this is normal. It’s bizarre. Even when people do critique the culture of educational competition, they come up with bonkers galaxy brain that reading to children is wrong because it gives them an “unfair advantage” – and that STILL doesn’t challenge the underlying premise that the purpose of education should be “competition”! 

To be clear, I want to spell out what I’m NOT saying. 

I’m not saying that competition should never be used as a tool in education. Competition can be an incentive or a way to make learning fun. If a school spelling bee makes it more fun for everyone to study spelling, that’s great. But what is the GOAL? Is it competition as a tool towards the goal of learning, or learning as a tool towards the goal of competition? There is a huge difference between “A fun class competition can incentivize students to further the goal of everyone learning more” and “Learning is useful because it furthers the goal of these children ‘defeating’ those children in competition.” And what are the consequences of “success” or “failure”? 

I’m not saying “And that’s why parents should send their kids to public school instead of private school.” Milquetoast liberals at publications like The Atlantic sometimes critique the competitive-private-school culture of educational competition (while constantly promoting it in every other context), but only to argue that, out of “fairness”, everyone should go to public school instead. Milquetoast liberals see universal public schooling, beginning in infancy, as the solution, because they identify the problem as “We shouldn’t be hierarchically ranking children on unfair things like race and class; instead, we should be purely hierarchically ranking children in some kind of ‘fair’ way.” That is still hierarchically ranking children! There is no “fair” way to do that!  Public schools rank children in a hierarchy. Private schools rank children in a hierarchy. Homeschooling families rank children in a hierarchy even when they have no one to rank against! I am not interested in making hierarchies “more fair” (which they can never be) or “equal” (which is an oxymoron). 

I’m not saying “Everyone’s educational experience should be the same, because that’s equality.” For one thing, equality is not sameness. For another thing, I’m not even really advocating “equality.” I’m advocating universal supportive education. And if everyone in the entire world had access to universal supportive education, there would probably be a wide disparity in what people would learn and pursue. Which is a good thing! No one person can know everything, so it’s good for people to diversify and specialize. The only reason there’s so much pressure to standardize educational experiences is to make it easier to assign people places in the hierarchy. Our society has really concluded “We can’t objectively rank an art student against a physics student, so the obvious solution is to eliminate art” rather than “Why are we ranking people?” Furthermore, universal supportive education can be lifelong, so there’s no time or age by which someone who hasn’t learned something has “missed their chance.”

What I am saying is that we should reimagine what education and learning can look like if we break out of the limiting framework of competition and hierarchy. We can build a society where everyone is free and supported to learn in the way that works for them without a system that necessitates “losers” to be dominated and defeated. 

[esther-dot]

IMO, I don’t think A stans who attack Sansa for her classism truly cares about it. I mean, they want A to be queen/lady (and there’s nothing wrong with wanting that) but such an ending would only be reinforcing the structure they’re critising.

And it’s great and important that A plays with lowborn children and tried to defend Mycah but that doesn’t make her a marxist revolutionary lol, it doesn’t erase her own classism. All nobles are classist, a few of them bother to treat peasants relatively well (the Starks, Edmure, etc) but that unfair system still exists. You can’t have nobility without inequality.

And I'll paste this one in too:

Unpopular opinion but if Arya’s stans genuinely believed in her as someone who isn’t classist, they would imagine her leading a social revolution that topples and destroy feudalism. Not someone who serves the conception of hereditary monarchy, serfdom (despite treating them with humanity), hierarchical social categories, etc. Arya as QITN would be a reformist, not a revolutionnary.

(These are so old, I can’t remember which post prompted them, apologies!)

So, I never thought more than being a good leader within the system was a possibility? During GoT they played up this idea that Dany was gonna change the system, "break the wheel," but that was mainly to hide the fact that going to war for a crown was a selfish thing to do, that she wasn't a hero for choosing that path. Considering how Martin has written about the tragedy of the Starks losing Winterfell, the little boys being chased from their home, I never imagined that his ending would involve a king or queen turning around and doing that to another noble child? IMO, there was never going to be any seizing and divvying up wealth.

In ASOIAF, it seems like the focus is much more on having a leader who will be capable of maintaining peace and delivering justice and taking care of some practical concerns. It never even occurred to me to expect an end to feudalism? So, yeah, I would agree that the most anyone could be was a reformist, but I didn't even think that was the idea (in the way fans would mean it) that Martin was tracking. It didn't seem to me that he was gonna do away with nobles, only that he was saying a good noble won't allow his smallfolk to be mistreated and wouldn't ruin their lives for the sake of a crown. I thought that's where the Robb criticism comes in. Robb should have chosen peace, not more fighting.

I also thought the good noble was being presented with Ned. Protect the vulnerable, be horrified by the death of the innocent, adhere to these personal values even when they are in defiance of what your world demands, even when it means betrayal of a "brother" or treason against your king. Obviously, Ned fell short of the ideal, but that's why his children will rise to power, because they have the same core values that Martin wants us to look at as good.

Personally, I think Arya being rebellious and kicking against the rules that annoy her is fun? My little sister was a tomboy, and I have sympathy for Sansa, but I'm amused by Arya. However, I do not attribute as much, uh, let's say, virtue to her behavior as others do. Nor do I attach the same amount of condemnation to Sansa (who recognizes class distinctions) that others do. To me, Martin used the Trident incident to illustrate how the class differences worked because it's a grievance of his that writers ignore them:

And that’s another of my pet peeves about fantasies. The bad authors adopt the class structures of the Middle Ages; where you had the royalty and then you had the nobility and you had the merchant class and then you have the peasants and so forth. But they don’t’ seem to realize what it actually meant. They have scenes where the spunky peasant girl tells off the pretty prince. The pretty prince would have raped the spunky peasant girl. He would have put her in the stocks and then had garbage thrown at her. You know. I mean, the class structures in places like this had teeth. They had consequences. And people were brought up from their childhood to know their place and to know that duties of their class and the privileges of their class. It was always a source of friction when someone got outside of that thing. And I tried to reflect that. (link)

With that in mind, I thought Martin wanted to impress upon the reader the severity of what the hierarchy meant, the prince can do whatever the hell he wants, the noble kid is in danger of being punished (Arya might have lost a hand, Sansa loses Lady), Mycah is killed. We were meant to understand, this world isn't ours. Arya in an important way, didn't understand how the world worked, not really, which is a tool the author was using, her grief and horror, to guide us through learning about station in ASOIAF. We needed to see and feel the disparity.

Obviously, Martin doesn't think that's a good system, but the author slapping us in the face with, “this is horrible but this is the way it is” doesn’t mean we’re to expect a total transformation of Westeros as a whole in the last few chapters of the final book. Martin wants to have some verisimilitude to (his perception of) medieval times, so imo, the idea was never turning Westeros on its head, but for people who cared to end up in control and be better. Not like a modern anarchist, but be good within the confines of that world.

Anyway, because of how many Arya fans hate Sansa/Sansa fans, I never did much with that side of the fandom, but I never had the impression they truly thought anyone would be revolutionizing things. It seemed to me that they believed her ending up QitN was revolutionary not in the sense that she would upend the system, but to them, having a girl who rejected societal norms come out on top felt like an important rejection of a traditional princess “winning.” I assume that's why so much of their focus is on Sansa and how she ruined Arya's life even though she and Arya have been separated for books. It isn't so much what the particular character will do as a leader, which theme is upheld by them ending up in a position of leadership, the "revolutionary" bit is determined by defiance of (what they believe are) genre norms, not societal overhaul on the page.

Now, if we accept that a total societal revolution is off the table in ASOIAF, and knowing that Martin opposes violence pretty vehemently, isn't in favor of imposing your will through violent means, how can someone who rejects society encourage gradual improvement? Wouldn't the "realism" Martin wants be found in a person, who say, can function really, really well within the structure of society but cares enough to try to make things better for others? Someone who can change it all from within because their societal position confers a certain amount of power, but also, they have a notable ability to win admiration, even when it is begrudgingly given? Someone whose compassion, even for enemies, is highlighted? Isn’t that someone who would be able to gradually bring about the kind of realistic change Martin would permit in his world?

[spartazia-blog]

Listening vs Obeying

Something I’ve been mulling over since seeing another round of discussion about Penelope and her choices specifically around the Marina and her children and Eloise LW publications is the notion of listening to someone vs obeying them. When we talk to people or provide advice, what is our expectation and goal in doing so? Are we helping and being a sounding board or are we trying to give marching orders? And, at the end of it, do we respect that ultimate decision maker in someone’s life is and should be them?

I ask because a common theme I see pop up is the idea that Pen “had” to resort to Whistledown because “no one listens to her.” But is that true? Did they really just close their ears and go “lalala” when she spoke to them? Or, is it that she was heard but she just wasn’t *obeyed*? And why do so many Penelope stans seem to have this absolute conviction that if she expresses something to someone or gives them advice, she is entitled to unquestioning compliance?

Colin listened to her about Marina loving someone else before him, he just didn’t go along with what she wanted him to do which was be horrified and cast Marina aside. In fact, he quite maturely expresses that it would hypocritical of him to do so given that he also has a past with other women. That’s really cool of him! It shows that he’s a solid and reasonable man who doesn’t judge others against a bar he wouldn’t use for himself.

Eloise listened to Penelope about she concerns (which Penelope was mostly lying about to outright gaslighting Eloise with to keep from getting caught as LW. Not to mention the hypocrisy over lecturing Eloise about going to ‘bad parts of town unchaperoned’ while Penelope was doing the exact same thing), Eloise just decided that her conversations and friendship with Theo along with expanding her mind at the rallies she was attending were worth the risk. Which, again, very cool. No matter how people try to spin Eloise as some selfish asshole, her pushing back against the box the patriarchal society she exists in and wanting to reach beyond the arbitrary barriers of class and gender placed on her is very brave and admirable.

Even Marina listened to Penelope about her objections to the Colin plan but was in desperate straits after Portia (whom the fandom never seems to want to blame for her part in that whole debacle or who does get to be applauded for doing whatever she needs for her children…hmmm…qWHITE interesting that point) locked her away, put the fear of God into her, and tried to sell her to a man who INSPECTED MARINA’S TEETH, so forged ahead. Marina’s choices are definitely murky and unfair to Colin but the idea that she was doing anything for some sort of diabolical and cruel reason and not out of desperation and fear driven by the terrible way society would treat her and, more importantly, her innocent children, is just not borne out by the narrative. And anyone trying to claim otherwise is not someone I can take seriously. Marina’s first choice being her children should be more admired than Portia’s choices but somehow, Marina is a villain while Portia is “complicated and flawed.” I cannot talk about Marina without wanting to wrap her in blankets and protect her from both the fandom and what I fear the show has in store for her. I admit this bias freely.

Penelope is never fully honest with people and then, when they don’t follow her marching orders on how she thinks they should operate, she goes nuclear and takes their choices away from them. Penelope is not the god of the people in her life’s lives. She is not *entitled* to being obeyed (even if you think she is 100% in the right when giving advice, this is still the case). People have their own minds, their own free will, and the right to make their own decisions and mistakes. Penelope needs to learn both to fully be honest and speak up as herself AND to accept that she is not the boss of the people in her life. There is no way she can be a healthy partner in her relationship with Colin (or anyone!) if she operates under the theory that if someone won’t take her advice willingly, she will just force their hand. And her stans need to learn the difference between being listened to and being obeyed.

I think she can. And I think, if her arc is done well, that will be a big point of growth for her. She will learn to use her words and her voice, as herself. She’ll learn to trust the people in her life - because she doesn’t really trust anyone right now - and she’ll learn to see the people in her life are entitled to autonomy. I just hope the fandom can learn the same.

P. S. This is all coming from someone who is a Polin fan desperately hoping their season gives me the growth and story I desire while dreading what I think is actually in store for them so miss me with the “hater” bs I can already sense coming.

[caffedrine]

Keith Howell - Chapter 25 Dramatic - Summary

I pretty much have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t trust me, and you shouldn’t either. This summary is not guaranteed to be accurate, it’s mostly written for myself to follow along with the route.

The forest that he has visited several times by now has changed, the darkness filled with light. Now, the forest is filled with life, trees making a joyous sound when the wind rustles through their leaves. As he is struck and dazzled with the brilliant light filtering through the trees, another him emerges from the shade.

Alter!Keith notes that just by looking at the forest, it’s easy to understand him.

Oh, he understands now. Since he was able to meet Emma for the first time in a long time, he was so happy that he relaxed and was pulled here.

Glancing around, Alter!Keith wonders if flowers are about to bloom in this space. To think, just a little bit earlier, this forest was dying.

Despite the mocking smile on Alter!Keith’s face, he thought that his happiness was reflected more than a little in Alter!Keith.

Alter!Keith mutters that he won the bet in the end. At his confusion, Alter!Keith only waved him off. He made a bet with himself a while ago, not with him. Alter!Keith was betting on whether or not Emma would make him disappear.

No, don’t involve her in that kind of bet.

Alter!Keith only shrugs, it happened, and it’s already over.

Wait, does this mean that Alter!Keith was planning on one of them disappearing? He thinks that even Alter!Keith looks a little surprised at this question.

It should be impossible for two people to exist in the same body. He thought that he was an eyesore, and if he disappeared, Alter!Keith could do anything he wanted. But Alter!Keith has never lived apart from him, there was also a chance that it would be weird without him.

Was Alter!Keith afraid of becoming lonely if he disappeared?

No, don’t misunderstand him. Though, even as Alter!Keith says that he looks away awkwardly.

He wanted to disappear when his brother died, right? Alter!Keith apologizes for not fulfilling that final wish of his.

Even as he apologizes, he looks a little happy.

If he thinks he saw that, maybe his head has already turned into some flower garden. Alter!Keith laughs derisively at him, but he’s still relaxed.

In theory, they’ve been together closer and longer than anyone else in the world, so he should know Alter!Keith well. But right now is the first time he thinks he has ever seen into Alter!Keith’s heart.

Well, at least that’s one mystery solved.

Is that why he was always pushing Emma to answer the question of which Keith she liked best? Was it for the bet? Was he thinking that her answer would make him depressed and disappear?

No, not really. Alter!Keith admits that he was curious for his own interests. Besides, it’s unfair if only one of them, specifically not him, is the one she likes.

Alter!Keith tells him not to feel so complicated about it. Honestly, it worked out nicely for them, after all, she loves both of them and both of them love her. It would have gotten weird and awkward if they fell in love with different people.

Oh, that would have been bad. He’s horrified at the thought of that.

Right. Well, Alter!Keith is happy that it worked out; he doesn’t think that either of them could fall in love with anyone other than Emma.

Come to think of it, Alter!Keith remembers him saying that he would be happy just hearing how Emma felt. Even if she had admitted to being in love with him, he didn’t intend to take her with him to Jade, did he?

Of course not, he was in a terrible political position back then. Besides, no matter how much Emma liked him, he felt like some sort of monster.

Have his feelings changed? Does he feel bad about taking Emma with them to Jade now?

He has to admit that his feelings are wavering on this, and he’s not sure if he made a giant mistake. They have so many enemies in Jade, with Fernand only being the tip of the iceberg. Just by staying at his side, Emma is now exposed and at risk.

That is the thought process of the failure. As long as they protect her, there will be no problem. Alter!Keith asks how much longer he intends to be that terrified child in the forest and rain. Isn’t he planning on moving beyond the ‘failure’ mentality?

The trees in the forest rustle, the fallen leaves scattering. The blood staining the ground beneath their feet has never faded since that day.

But that doesn’t mean that time here is stagnant.

Time always moves forward, and he has grown since that day. He’s gained new knowledge, new skills, new connections, and most importantly, a new friend. He’s no longer a powerless child and can overcome his enemies, Fernand only being one example.

And he can’t give up on the one girl who loves him. He needs to become the person who will not regret taking her hand and bringing her with him.

Alter!Keith approves. He’s growing to the point that he might not even need Alter!Keith anymore, especially since Fernand has been neutralized.

No, he still needs him.

Alter!Keith is surprised, that was a quick answer.

He’d be so sad if Alter!Keith wasn’t here anymore. Emma too, she would also miss him.

Even though if Alter!Keith disappears, he can monopolize Emma?

He’s not that narrow-minded. Well, maybe he is, when it comes to the idea of anyone but them with Emma.

They look into each other’s eyes, before Alter!Keith awkwardly looks away. He grumbles that he’s far too good-natured.

Even with their ability to meet like this, it’s difficult to read each other’s hearts and figure out what the other is thinking. But he’s certain his intentions and thoughts were successfully transmitted to Alter!Keith.

Now that they understand each other, Alter!Keith has something else to talk about. Now that Emma is with them, she’ll notice their new secret.

Oh, no. What should he do?

Alter!Keith is only amused, noting that she’s going to get angry with them. He doesn’t mind that much, he’s happy with her feeling anything toward them. Isn’t that what it means to ‘exist’?

~~

As its moniker, the land of fertility and life, suggests, Emma can feel the pulse of the earth flowing through the Country of Jade. There are beautiful flowers blooming everywhere, and the trees are full of vitality. The entire country is overflowing with an abundance of nature.

Keith brings her to the palace greenhouse, which is packed with the blessings of nature. Just by entering the building, Emma’s heart feels healed by the cool air. Maybe that’s why Keith brought her here.

Alter!Keith apologizes roughly, telling her to go ahead and heal herself.

They had switched back and forth on the journey from Rhodolite to Jade, and Emma wonders if they are able to freely switch at their own will.

Alter!Keith asks if she feels any better, and Emma admits that she’s still mad. She didn’t start the journey angrily, but after finding out their secret, she’s upset at everything and everyone, including herself, for not noticing it earlier.

She can’t believe how recklessly they behaved in order to bring her to Jade with them.

*Flashback Time*

What had greeted Emma earlier that morning wasn’t the expected coldness towards a mysterious woman, or the disapproving looks towards an outsider attaching herself to the crown prince, but a very cheerful maid. She was as warm and kind as the sun as if reflecting Nice!Keith’s personality.

A glance at Keith garnered her an explanation.

Right now, Emma is the most important person to Keith in the castle and is regarded as a special guest. From now on, if anything happens, he wants her to tell either him or the maid here.

Emma reminds him that she’s not a noblewoman to have a maid and a prince dote on her, but Keith disagrees with the sentiment. He doesn’t care about her noble status, but she is both his guest and his lover. He wants her to enjoy the hospitality of the court of Jade. The maid adds that she’s the future Queen of Jade, and its important that she get used to living here as soon as possible.

Upon hearing both the maid’s and Keith’s words, Emma can’t help but become happy. She knows that doesn’t discriminate between people of different social ranks, and she finds herself able to relax a little. Keith, the crown prince of Jade and the future King, has decided to spend the rest of his life with her. She needs to become a woman suitable to be his partner, no matter how hard it will be.

The maid is relieved that Emma is here. Before he left to pick her up, he was so busy with official duties that he didn’t even have enough time to sleep. Emma is confused and asks for an explanation, and Keith starts guiltily.

Since Fernand was imprisoned, the landscape of Jade’s politics has changed. Normally, the court bureaucrats would take over distributing Fernand’s and his advisor’s duties amongst them, but the King of Jade ordered that Keith take over all of Fernand’s work in addition to Keith’s normal duties. It’s assumed through the court that the reason was to prevent Keith from running off to Emma due to the work overload.

Keith cuts in that he really doesn’t mind doing the work of two high-level officials. Besides, he’s also responsible for the case against Fernand, it’s reasonable that he needs to handle Fernand’s work as well.

The maid continues. Any time Keith has faltered, His majesty the king has goaded him, saying that the only reason he can’t handle all this work is because of his obsession with ‘that woman’. So, Keith has been doing a lot of unreasonable things in order to be able to leave and bring Emma back to Jade with him.

As Keith hangs his head in silent misery, Emma recalls their previous conversations. She’s heard about the marriage proposals that Keith has been rejecting, but he had glossed over the other problems he’s been having with his father. From the way he looks, Emma realizes that he’s been trying to hide this from her.

Emma asks if Keith has duties today as well, and Keith laughs awkwardly, even though they had just finished a very long trip.

It’s fine, Emma will help him too. Thanks to the time spent in Rhodolite assisting Alter!Keith while he recovered from being poisoned, she is familiar with his duties.

And that day, she realizes that Keith has been doing the job of at least five people. The day passed in the blink of an eye, and just as Keith was about to collapse from mental exhaustion, Alter!Keith switched with him.

*Flashback End*

Back in the greenhouse with Alter!Keith, he asks if she’s worried about them. Emma is and asks if there was any doubt that she would be. They both hid this from her, and Keith even fussed over her while she was helping him. If there’s only one thing she hates about them, it’s the fact they’re continuing to hide important secrets from her.

Does that mean that she loves everything else about them?

Of course, Emma does. Alter!Keith grins and tells her that’s very cute of her. Emma grumbles that she’s being serious right here.  Laughing, he strokes her hair. It sounds like Emma doesn’t mind if he acts recklessly again, as long as he involves her in it. Emma agrees, being together means sharing both happiness and pain.

She gets an evil grin in response. It sounds like she just asked Alter!Keith to bully her some more. He hugs her, looking very happy.

At times like this, Keith and his ability to switch places is very convenient. Normally, mental exhaustion would make him fall asleep like any other person. But, with their split personalities, if either he or Nice!Keith becomes exhausted, they can just switch off and the other personality can step in and finish it up. That’s how they’ve managed their crushing load of official duties, so things are not as bad as Emma would imagine.

Well, when he puts it like that, it’s actually reassuring to Emma. Keith is like two different people who just happen to share the same body. Alter!Keith asks if she found the explanation satisfying, and Emma tells him that she still isn’t happy with how unreasonable his workload is.

Finally, Emma relaxed enough to wrap her arms around Alter!Keith and hugs him back as the sweet scent of flowers wafts through the greenhouse. Belatedly, Emma thanks Alter!Keith for bringing her here. He asks if she hadn’t just spent this day thanking him, and Emma agrees that she did. And she intends to thank him more, every day, for all he’s done to make bringing her here possible.

In that case, will Emma listen to his request today? Suspiciously, Emma looks into Alter!Keith face and asks what is up with that evil look. He assures her that it’s just her imagination, and that she doesn’t need to be so wary around him. It just makes him want to torture her more.

Yeah, Alter!Keith always says things like that.

Oh, does she suddenly not enjoy it when he bullies her? Emma flushes and complains about Alter!Keith just saying asking that. By now, she knows that when he talks about ‘bullying’ her, he means ‘expressing his affection’ for her. Even though he has an evil expression, Emma can feel the love in int as well, so she gives in and asks what his request is, begging him to be gentle with her.

Oh sure, Alter!Keith will be very gentle while he tortures her.

Emma has visited the room Alter!Keith has brought her to only once before. She barely gets a chance to inspect Keith’s bedroom before Alter!Keith pushes her down on the bed, showering her face with kisses. Alter!Keith’s request is for them to do something that only lovers do. He wants her to spend her first night in Jade with him.

Alter!Keith shucks off his jacket before immediately attacking Emma’s clothes. She had expected this to happen at some point, but . . . she’s not emotionally ready for this.

Oh, does that mean that Emma was lying when she said she would listen to his request? Oh, if she would forgive his transgression, both Keith’s would be healed.

Oh, how unfair.

Seeing Emma’s expression, Alter!Keith continues on, unbuttoning her blouse. Soon she is stripped of her clothes, one of his bedsheets that Emma clutches to her chest. Feeling shy under Alter!Keith’s stare, Emma’s face flushes as she feels his hand caress her back.

Alter!Keith wishes for her not to feel so shy, isn’t she used to him by now? Emma wonders if she’ll ever get used to it but Alter!Keith has a great plan. They’ll just have to practice doing this together until she no longer feels shy or embarrassed.

The sheet is pulled off Emma, and all she can feel is the warmth of Alter!Keith’s body heat on her skin. She gasps a little as Alter!Keith’s hand glides over her skin from her back to caress a breast. Alter!Keith can’t speak for him, but he’s been wanting to do this for a long time.

That reminds Emma that even now, Nice!Keith might be watching them from behind Alter!Keith’s eyes. Alter!Keith agrees, and Emma wonders if she can get over the embarrassment of someone watching her during this intimate moment.

The hand on her breast is caressing it, a feeling completely different from being kissed. Emma’s body shrinks back from the touch and Alter!Keith asks if she’s afraid.

It’s not that, it’s just . . . she can’t help but wonder what Nice!Keith is thinking about at this moment. No matter who is in front of her, she can’t help but think about the person not there, watching her. She asks Alter!Keith if, since only one of them can interact with her at a time, can she properly convey her love to both of them?

Alter!Keith’s hand pauses as he considers her words for a moment before it deliberately moves, faster and rougher than previously. Emma grabs the sheets around her as heat flows from her stomach and her body trembles with feeling.

Alter!Keith’s hand doesn’t stop.

She gasps with arousal, breathing hard with tears in her eyes. Alter!Keith breathes directly into her ear, explaining that with everything she does, both of them feel her love for them. When Emma turns to him, her lips are caught with his.

Even though there is only one other body with her, she feels the love of two people.

~~~

The next morning arrives as it always does, but some things are different today. When he sits up in the bed, Emma stirs lightly in response. He dresses, feeling unprecedented happiness this morning.

He picks up Emma’s clothes from the floor, carefully folding them. Then he returns to bed, sitting next to Emma who had yet to wake up. Fishing her hand out of the blanket to kiss the fingertips, Alter!Keith whispers a thank you for saving him.

He admits to being attracted to Emma from the start, and wonders how she would react to finding out that he fell in love with her first, before Nice!Keith had. Of course, he’ll keep this secret to himself. His cold gold eyes were filled with sweet affection, and he admitted that she is the reason he was able to remain, even though the reason for his existence is gone. At one point, he had thought that it was enough just to be able to see her from time to time behind Nice!Keith’s eyes. It’s her fault that he wants to stay and interact with the world, so she needs to take responsibility for him.

~~~

Emma feels like she heard something significant in a dream, but it’s gone when she wakes up to find that she’s looking right at Alter!Keith. As Emma blinks to drive away her sleep, Alter!Keith’s face is suddenly close, his breath on her neck. She is startled when she feels him bite her sweetly, his tongue tickling her.

Raising his head, Alter!Keith mischievously notes that he’s been thinking up ways to bully her. He has an evil smile on his face.

Memories of the previous night flood Emma’s brain, and she nearly jumps out of the bed. Alter!Keith laughs at her reaction and asks how she enjoyed his expression of love the previous night.

To be honest, her body is still tired and stiff from last night. Feeling the lingering afterglow, Emma flushes and clutches the blanket close to her.

Alter!Keith isn’t done and notes that she is something else, to be able to love two people so completely. And both of them were satisfied with how she took both of their love into her.

Okay, now he’s just bragging.

(The confidence that wearing clothes gives you)

Alter!Keith holds out his hand as if inviting Emma to discard the blankets. Looking at him, Emma thinks that even though Alter!Keith is the one in front of her right now, he has bits and pieces of Nice!Keith mixed up with him as well.

From now on, this is going to be Emma’s new normal. Before she can doubt herself, she reaches out and entwines her fingers with the hand held out in front of her.

[emi-writings]

Why I Don’t Like Zombie Revived Wilbur

These are just my opinions. I think everyone should be allowed to enjoy whatever headcanons they like, but this is just me complaining about why I dislike it and why I won’t include it in any of my fanfics, and why I won’t really reblog fanart featuring this headcanon.

First of all, it annoys me that I often see zombie Wilbur, but no zombie Tommy. In fact I’ve never seen a zombie Tommy. It makes no sense, no matter how you look at it. Either their zombies because they were resurrected. Or it has something to do with how they decomposed.

 Now, I am no expert, and we can’t exactly find out all the details of things that contribute to decomposition in the environments of the DSMP because they don’t really exist… but based on logic, if the zombifying happens due to decomposition, Tommy would still be very, very zombified. Like, a giant box surrounded by lava is basically an oven, and hot temperatures only contribute to increasing the rate of decomposition.

It just feels unfair that Tommy is left completely human and Wilbur is a zombie.

I don’t like how it changes the interpretation of Wilbur’s lore. Wilbur has the whole thing where very few people don’t treat him like a monster, while everyone else does. To me, this works much better if he isn’t a completely different species after being resurrected. Especially when the species in question is one that, in universe, is a common monster everyone has dealt with and killed.

Like “everyone treats me like a monster, I wonder why” doesn’t work when they live in a universe where zombies are monsters, and everyone just… being polite but distance… makes sense if he’s a zombie because how else would you react to seeing the first zombie that doesn’t try to instantly kill them and can talk! It loses the commentary on how people see Wilbur’s mental state and mental health, how people dehumanized him for it.

I do understand that it can be really fun to play around with non-human characters and their relationship to humanity, but this instance of it just always falls flat. I’ve never seen a version of it that I ever thought worked.

Maybe some people like it for the horrors of being dead than alive again, but I just don’t get the appeal. For me, I think it would be scarier if being resurrected completely healed him. No scars, no calluses on his fingers, no anything. Because what’s more horrifying than coming back from the dead… and finding no evidence that you’ve ever been alive?

[weregreatatcrime]

Not really a tropes guy, why those? The last one I get, but the others I think need a bit more explanation.

SO the thing is some of these aren't outright displayed in the fic yet so i know putting them in the tropes page would be irrelevant(?) BUT I'm happy to explain bcz rambling is my joy in life

Blue-and-orange morality

Changelings don't have a sense of morality like humans or trolls do, both due to their methods of creation and the unfortunate conditioning of being made as tools to be used and then killed when they're no longer useful. Karai doesn’t see the world in the same context as humans (i.e. Good -> Evil, Moral -> Immoral, etc.) instead it's entirely based on the scale of Keeps me Alive -> Will Kill Me, with the arguably MUCH more important scale of This Will Get Me What I Want -> This Will Be Unpleasant. Add in that she doesn't actually consider harm to herself to actually Count in this equation and it's a recipe for Confusing and Horrifying the CRAP out of the Hamatos. It takes a lot of mental gymnastics to understand her thought processes until they realize this. A key point to Blue-and-orange morality being that it's incomprehensible to outside species.

Values dissonance

As a part of what's above, what Karai values and cares about is VERY different from what the Hamatos (and most normal, modern folks) value. A small example, assuming they would never actually want her around until she provides them the REAL Miwa, as she isn't Yoshi's actual daughter, when chances are they likely would’ve accepted her on the spot given the chance. A better example: Karai considers death and critical injuries to be fine or acceptable given a half-decent reason, or if you're powerful enough that you don't need to justify yourself.

Have you tried not being a monster?

I'll admit I'm not too sure what my original thought for this one was. I believe it was just relating to how in human form, changelings can be completely 'normal' and will go to EXTREME lengths to hide their inhuman status. Cause if they get revealed it will absolutely lead to mortal peril and a lot of shock and horror from everyone around them? Idk like I said idr my initial logic

Then let me be evil

Changelings don't even care about being good, because the first ones were conditioned to either do awful things or they and their familiars die. Those changelings taught future changelings to just be evil because there’s absolutely no point in trying otherwise, so might as well be Good at it and have fun with it. Trolls treat changelings as abominations and never like people. Humans never even get the chance to see changelings, but human mythos says everything about THEIR opinions. Changelings are evil because right out of the gate they're never given a chance to be anything else. Ties real closely into Internalized Categorism, Fantastic Racism, Fantastic Slurs, "It" is Dehumanizing, and honestly I could go on for a while about tropes relating to this and how we've seen most trolls canonically texting reacting to changelings

Conditioned to accept horror

This is the obvious one. Karai’s a changeling and has gone through a LOT of awful stuff. Some of it bothers her, but there's a lot of it that's just straight up numbed. She doesn’t care about her injuries beyond how they impact her functioning; she's fully fine with and enjoys murder, torture, and eating humans; the turtles are constantly Horrified by the things she casually reveals about her existence as a tool made to infiltrate humanity and then die. She's only bothered by the Shredder’s treatment of her (attacking her for no reason, blaming her for her injury, giving a severe enough wound that wasn't given chance to heal properly) because she sees it as stupid and illogical, NOT because of the awful unfairness and cruelty involved.

[ladookhotnikov]

The International Monetary Fund is in a Panic

The International Monetary Fund (IMF) has issued a completely alarmist report on cryptocurrencies. Lamenting a lack of governance and regulation, the Fund stated that an unmanaged crypt would result in a parallel monetary system.

Is it really true?

It seems that the gentlemen from the IMF have been in a lethargic sleep for the last decade and a half, woke up the other day, read the article by Satoshi Nakamoto and were horrified.

By the way, they’re right.

The Crypto is Like Parallel Money

Yes, the crypto forms a parallel payment system, yes, it poses a serious threat to the existing fiat financial system.

By the way, the crypto community and I personally are not against regulation. I am a categorical opponent of scam and cybercrime. However, authorities interpret the terms "regulation" and "cybercrime" very broadly. Judging by the rhetoric, for example, the US SEC, they consider a crime everything that does not fit into the standard practice.

As for regulation, the simple question is: why?

If someone wants to prevent the emergence of a parallel financial system, then the crypto should simply be banned. Another thing, to do it is very difficult.

It would be fair if we will see a competition between two systems. May the strongest win! However, the fiat has powerful and influential supporters, and it will not just give up its position.

True, the very emergence of cryptocurrencies speaks about the problems of fiat and the economy as a whole. Could Bitcoin appear in a healthy economy? Expensive service, large numbers of financial fraudsters, overall unfair distribution... Bitcoin is a reaction to the imperfections of the system, and it is difficult to fight it. You can turn off the Internet, of course, but here society will be dissatisfied.

So, the IMF doesn’t accidentally sound the alarm. Gentlemen are in trouble!

[moonzzzzi]

I think that this post is not only hilarious because it’s some insane deranged alpha bro men’s rights incel going in a villain speech tirade and being kicked right back in the face, but because also this person VISIBLY didn’t understand the point of The Doll, or the irony of her being used as an exemple of “Good traditional female character”.

The Doll was made to be an idealized version of Maria. Maria who is strong in personality and ideals, a woman in power who is also notoriously gender non conforming. Gerhman, regardless of the nature of the feelings he had for her (be it fatherly or romantic) was obsessed with her, and made in the Doll a version of her that was his idea of Maria, a Maria that was doting, who took care of him, who wouldn’t be involved in the complicated matters of the hunt, who would be there to serve and assist.

And the irony is that ultimately Gerhman would grow to not care for the Doll, because his idealized version of Maria could never be HER.

This dichotomy is important for Bloodborne’s overral themes about female submission. How the systemic control society has over other people’s body’s has horrifying consequences for woman/AFAB people in general. The Doll is very literally a waifu, made to serve and love, but she is also not real. She says it herself “Of course…I love you. Isn’t that how you made me?”.

So someone saying the Doll is what TRUE FEMALE CHARACTERS LOOK LIKE and that other FEMINIST MASCULINE WOMAN ARE CORRUPTING GAMING is SOOOO ironic. The game is making fun of you dude! It’s saying someone like the doll doesn’t exist! (Which isn’t to say someone who is feminine doesn’t exist, but the ideal of a perfect subservient woman does not exist) The game is saying the reducing woman to that is an act of violence! The Doll’s existence under Gerhman is both unfair to Maria’s memory and to herself! (Since he does not care for her and she seems more than eager to ally herself to people who actually care about her feelings)

Im a game full of strong powerful woman, both Androgynous or traditionally more masculine (Eileen and Maria) or more feminine (Annelise), going out of your way to say The Doll is the perfect portrayal of woman, just proves you did not get the game at all.

Y'know the bloodborne fandom wiki is pretty cool, but sometimes they get extremely uh... attached to certain characters. Fortunately, it all leads back to among us

[trashlie]

Meaning in Falls in ILY (spoilers for ep 200)

The last post I want to make about the recent ILY posts is something that came up on reddit. I’m going to copy and paste my response lol because it’s something I spent too long mulling over, and even if it ends up meaning nothing, sometimes it’s just nice to have all these thoughts in one place, isn’t it?

Someone over on reddit posed the following question in the FP discussion post for episode 200: 

[img: reddit user snaakeguy asked  so much of this story has these important life altering moments centered around falling. the formal, nol jumping into the pool, this. i wonder what the significance behind that is.]

My thoughts were this:

(spoilers for ep 200)

At the risk of overthinking it, too, I think we can separate it further into the difference between a fall and a jump, right? A fall is an event completely out of out control vs a jump being a choice. In general, things crash and burn in life all all time, and we're left to deal with the ramifications of them. That can range from things not working out to unexpected deaths, plans that get indefinitely shelved. I THINK in ILY the falls (simply) create (narrative) parallels, but I'm not against the idea of there being meaning in them, either. But we do know that Nol's fall vs dive foil each other - his fall was an "opportunity" to give in that he lost when he instead chose to help Shinae; his jump embraced that feeling but he was met with renewed vigor and rebirth. You can take it further, too, in that the fall could have been the death of Yeonggi (and maybe a less metaphorical death), but his chosen jump WAS the death of Yeonggi, one he made of his own volition.

We've seen both fall and jump paralleled with Shinae's, and that sense of peace and calm. She goes from shocked to a horrifying sense of peace, like she's welcoming what's coming. In fact, the way this is interspersed with those AWFUL girls and their "She deserved it" "You shouldn't feel bad" comments leans into what she was telling Nol - that she was punished for daring to believe she can change her fortune or stray from her path. In that moment, young Shinae concluded she cannot change this trajectory, that she does not deserve what she was seeking. Interestingly, where Shinae embraces that moment of peace, Nol denies himself it, says he doesn't deserve it.

[A sidebar here to add on to this thought above: at the time of the formal, when Nol falls and decides he doesn’t deserve this peace yet, it’s because there is something yet in the past that Nol blames himself for, and because he has not yet reached the absolution he believes he must seek. For him to give up in that moment would be unfair, because his mindset is that he deserves all punishment that comes his way, and that there is no point in fighting it. For the amount of mental strife he’s in, peace would be a gift, and thus it’s an unwelcome opportunity. Shinae had not yet reached that conclusion - that comes after. In this moment, she’s willing to embrace it because she’s not yet saddled with the concept of undeserving, hasn’t yet decided that maybe life is punishing her simply for existing. Until now, she had still tried to defy it. This is, instead, the moment Shinae concludes there is no reason for her to try to fight what she believes is her destiny.]

Though we don't know Shinae's thoughts during her pool fall, given her addled state and that we were pointedly in no one's head, even though this is not a chosen jump like Nol's, she DOES end up at the railing because she WANTED to jump into the pool. Obviously this is different than Nol's circumstances but I still find it interesting - Shinae wants to "follow her dreams", Nol wants to feel what it's like to fly. I don't think they're equally comparable in that way, but the RESULT is. Nol jumps and leaves Yeonggi behind, rebirthed as Nolan, embracing his identity. Shinae falls and leaves behind.... I wouldn't call it INNOCENCE exactly but it DOES ride on the back of learning she was taken advantage of, manipulated, and trapped into this position (AND Sangchul tried to PHYSICALLY take advantage of her). She had tried so hard to be the good girl that was asked of her, to take care of her father, to stay off the streets. In desperation she asked for a favor and was tricked. She's done being a "good girl" - she tries to fight back, she refuses to back down and let people walk over her. Prior in the story, Shinae lets people say whatever they will about her, because what does it matter. Later, we get to see her square up against Sangchul. Maybe in the past she may have kept quiet and let him imply she's the Hirahara family's bicycle but in the present we get to see her get in his face and yell at him lmaoooooooo. I think this probably extends further, too, in conjunction with this flashback arc. Shinae prior would likely have let Nol run away, accepted that this is how it goes, no one ever stays, this is what life decided you deserve, that she doesn’t matter, but instead she makes repeated efforts to reach out to him. EVEN THOUGH she went through something similar with Alyssa she still decides to make an effort so she's left with no regrets.

So even tho Shinae's pool fall is not a jump by choice, I think it still represents a sense of "rebirth" - rebranding yourself, embracing something you hadn't prior. In a way, they both come out of this choosing themselves. Shinae chooses to defend herself, to fight for herself; Nol chooses to stop being Yeonggi and to be Nolan, to give up his mask and embrace his real self.

So while I think falls/jumps are being used to maintain these parallels, I think we CAN read into them a bit, with what CHANGES in direct response to that fall. Is it a coincidence that the "rebirths" involves pools? (And it's not like a pool immediately equates to that, either; Nol's pool fall FOILS Shinae's, where hers parallels his pool jump. Where Nol is ready to let peace embrace him, he has to take up the Yeonggi mask once more to save Shinae. Like Shinae's school fall, this fall leaves him trapped in a fate he believes inescapable, a personal prison. In fact, Nol wears his Yeonggi persona like a prison in the same way Shinae builds up her walls and locks herself away. Tho he has people around him, he's not honest with them and is just as much isolated as Shinae is). There's something to read into regarding the intention vs lack of, tho it definitely does not hold up 100% regarding Shinae. I guess it's ultimately: what does the impact reveal? Embracing the believed inevitable vs those moments of "clarity" (ironic word choice since Shinae literally cannot recall parts of her night, but enough to realize she does not want to lie down and be taken advantage of).

I hope we won't see any more jumps/falls to test out if this is true tho lol. Maybe just, yknow, the metaphorical kind (perhaps a fall from grace, fall from power vs a leap of faith, jumping into something new, jumping at an opportunity.)

(And because I'm me and ADHD has me all over the place, I wonder if it's SUPER overthinking to compare Nol climbing up to the rooftop with falling/jumping lol. I think yes, but I'm still going to muse about the intentional choice to pull himself from his pit of despair and maybe allow himself a reprieve, rather than trying to jump to one only to realize it might not be what he actually wants. Choosing to join Shinae on the rooftop is just as intentional as choosing to jump from the balcony into the pool, and in a way they might be seen as part of each other. Nol needed to make that jump and free himself in order to face Shinae the way he did; that was him letting go of control, freeing himself from what was keeping him a prisoner (Yeonggi, himself) and joining Shinae is the intentional choice to take control and make his own choices for himself. I do believe lol this is very much overthinking and that it wasn’t intentionally written to be an extension of the pool jump, but I do like how the actions go together.)

[moontheoretist]

I just realized something about Natasha Romanoff - she should have been a villain.

In the MCU, Natasha makes questionable choices which end in death of a lot of people, but she is still considered a hero. That makes her story as a person very weak, as she keeps making a step forward and two steps backwards all the time in her redemption arc to clear the blood from her ledger, which results in her actually adding more and more blood to it instead. I just saw a TikTok, which explained how to properly make redemption stories for a villain and I cannot shake the feeling that if Natasha was established as a villain in the MCU, the story which she currently has in the MCU universe would then fulfill progression and regression stages in her journey to change, but because she was never seen as a villain by either Nick Fury or the rest of the Avengers, she was always an ally, even when you couldn’t truly trust her. Instead, her story comes off as a story of a failure of a hero who keeps falling along with Steve Rogers and his Team.

Funnily, the same thing happens to Wanda Maximoff who is no longer considered a villain when she joins the good guys and therefore her redemption (or the lack thereof as most of it is off-screen) feels fake, because nobody acknowledges that she is a villain on a journey to be a better person and gives her a pass.

In both of those cases, the main points presented in the TikTok: establishing them as villains and giving them relatable motivation fall flat, because the story is not willing to stick to it and prefers to flip their alignment on the spot to hero with barely any journey to that title shown on the screen. We already meet Natasha as an ally, despite her spying on Tony and being a manipulative little spy on main, as the good guys sadly involve a whole Spy Gov Organization. She is never questioned and always treated like one of them. Always trusted, never second guessed, always reliable and willing to do the job given to her no matter how hard or inhumane (in the meaning: cruel, unfair, appalling, horrifying etc.). She says that she is on a redemption journey, but that journey doesn’t fit the image which was established for her in the story, as she is no longer viewed as a villain who needs to redeem herself and nobody treats her as such.

Wanda on the other hand is shown as a villain and has a relatable motivation established, but has no journey to speak of. Journey is completely omitted, and she is given the status of a hero after literally committing one good deed (saving a Korean train) by Steve, which like I already said in another post was a dangerous choice, because her saving civilians doesn’t mean she stopped hating Avengers and wanting to murder them all anymore. She is given the role of a hero without putting any work to earn it, that’s why it feels fake after what she had done in that very same movie. Saving Sokovians doesn’t count, because she was a nationalist supremacist, of course she would want to save her own people from being killed by Ultron. Destroying Ultron doesn’t count, because she does it to save everybody, not only someone else, which means that she does that to save herself and her people again, plus she takes revenge for Pietro’s death. She doesn’t sacrifice herself doing both of those, so it doesn’t feel like she does something which would impact her negatively but benefit others. As much as I personally don’t like self-sacrificing heroes, because it is a toxic idea to off yourself to save someone else, in her case it would at least mean that she is willing to abandon her own interest in order to save others. Maybe her joining forces with the Avengers to kill Ultron could count as abandoning her self-interest, because it would mean also abandoning revenge for her parents and deciding not to kill Tony Stark in the end (as misguided as it was, she saw it as her business, something very important to do), but it is never actually shown, so it also is debatable. There are no conversations in relation to this in the movie, therefore it does not exist. This lack of proper handling creates this idea that maybe she was never a good guy, maybe she was faking, maybe she is still wanting to kill the Avengers, so I am not surprised that so many people interpret it as such. There is just not enough screen time given to her and any care put into her story, so it comes off as such.

And people wonder why I relate to Tony’s story instead to two slavic women I saw on the screen. If they weren’t so poorly handled, then maybe I would! Instead, I relate more to autistic ADHD Tony Stark whose story actually has hands and legs and makes sense to me. He was given 3 movies of his own, in which he was allowed to change and grow. He was allowed to do mistakes and was not shown as an ideal person, but he was trying with all his might to be better, to repay all the bad his company and his weapons did to innocent people, to somehow redeem the self which was ignorant before, because he hated that he caused so much harm to others.

And he redeems himself so well. He becomes a hero.

He earns the title, even if he doesn’t feel he did.

[cosmicjoke]

Ah, and now onto one of the most depressing chapters in all of SnK, chapter 132.

You know, if anyone ever needed a reason to despise Floch any more, how about the fact that he’s literally the reason Hange died?  If this bitch ass ho hadn’t shot the fuel tank of the plane full of holes, Hange wouldn’t have had to engage with the Titans to buy time for them to fix it, and they wouldn’t have died.  So, fuck you Floch.  I wish you’d suffered more before Mikasa finally ended your ass.

Well, anyway, what can I say about this chapter that hasn’t already been discussed?  Probably nothing, but I’ll try my best to give my observations anyway.

This really is Hange’s chapter, and Levi’s, in terms of putting a spot light on the importance of their relationship to one another.  

Hange’s sacrifice in this chapter is heartbreaking, it truly is, and such a major blow to everyone.  But to Levi most of all, and for so many reasons.

First of all, what stands out to me is the exchange between them, after Pieck tells Hange to stop being “gross”.  What I want to talk about here is when Hange asks Levi if he thinks their dead comrades are watching, and if he thinks they’ll be proud of what they do here today.  Levi tells Hange to stop talking like “him”, meaning of course Erwin.  This scene is just heart-wrenching, and part of that is, I think, because of Levi’s reaction to what Hange is saying.  He has, once again, such a weary, resigned looked on his face, and it’s because, I think, of the parallels he sees with Erwin.  I think Levi already knows, at this point, that Hange is going to die, in some way.  He recognizes the same, fatalistic bent to Hange’s mindset as he saw in Erwin, that day in Shinganshina, the same burden of guilt.  Just as Erwin began to bow and break under the weight of all the lives that had been lost under his command, Hange too is beginning to break, overcome by despair and hopelessness at what they perceive to be their failures.  Hange expresses this outright in the scene with Yelena, when Yelena tries forcing everyone to admit that Zeke was right, and Hange just resignedly agrees, saying that it was because of their failure to come up with a plan, because of their loss of hope, that Eren’s done what he has.  Of course, this isn’t true, just like Erwin blaming himself for the deaths of all those soldiers wasn’t based in any kind of truth.  But the sense of guilt is the same.  Hange blames themselves for what’s happening now, and they say this in front of everyone, including Levi.  And then Hange says what they do to Levi, about their dead comrades, and I think this must have been like the worst kind of deja vu to Levi, this kind of guilt driving Hange towards despair and hopelessness.  He tells Hange “Don’t you start talking like him, too...” because he can’t bear it.  He can’t bear to see his last, true friend succumb to the same fate as Erwin.

And then the Rumbling shows up, and Hange refuses for anyone else to engage with the Titans but themselves.  They tell everyone “I’m the one who led us here.  I pressed on, even at the cost of so many lives.  Time to face the music.”, and it’s Hange willingly taking on the role of martyr, the same one Levi had to help Erwin to accept for himself, in order to give their comrades a chance at victory.  Hange’s selflessness here is the definition of heroic.  True, unwavering conviction to what they believe is right.

But once again, similarly to Levi’s final push to help Erwin become the commander everyone believed him to be, Levi recognizes for Hange, in their final moment together, what it is they need.  He doesn’t try to stop Hange, doesn’t try to convince them against their chosen course of action, doesn’t cry out after them.  The same way Levi recognized in Erwin the way he was being crushed under the weight of his guilt, and understood how it would be a mercy and a salvation to make for him the decision to let go of his dream and die, Levi also recognizes in Hange that same burden and suffocating sense of guilt, and knows this is a decision Hange has made for themselves, their final absolution and ownership of their past choices, and that this is the thing Hange needs to relieve them of their burden.  A way for them to bear the burden of their past choices without regret.  Hange implores Levi to let them walk away and do this, and Levi does, because he understands, the same as he understood with Erwin.

But we finally see in full view the consequences for Levi in making these decisions, in letting his two, closest friends go to their deaths for the sake of their cause.  Levi’s expression in the following three panels is one of such unfathomable heartbreak.  He looks like a man utterly resigned to losing every good thing in his life, conscious and accepting of life’s bitter injustice and the grief of loss, but no less affected by it.  Levi is in so much obvious pain here.  Not physical (though obviously there’s that), but emotional and mental.  Hange is it for him.  They’re his last, real connection, his last, true friend, his last person.  And he has to let them go here.  Both for the sake of humanity, and for Hange’s own sake as well.  It truly is the bitterest pill to swallow.  And once again, it is a desperately heartbreaking display of Levi’s own selflessness, that he lets Hange go, that he lets Hange do this thing that needs to be done, without complaint, without protest, without influence from his own feelings, sacrificing once more what would be best for him for the sake of everyone else.  Levi looks devastated as he lays his fist against Hange’s chest and tells them “dedicate your heart”.  This final acceptance of his own, tragic loss, and Hange’s own choice to sacrifice their life.

And it continues when Hange flies away, at last, and we see Levi standing with the rest of their group.  Everyone around Levi has expressions of shock, dismay, and disbelief.  They haven’t yet accepted that this is happening, that Hange is flying to their death to buy them the time they need.  They look astonished and horrified.  But Levi is the lone exception.  He doesn’t look shocked, or disbelieving, but only continues to carry that same expression of weary, despairing resignation and acceptance.  And I think what we see in Levi, in this final arc is, in many ways, the culmination of a lifetime of loss and grief.  Levi’s lost more than probably any other character in SnK.  He’s experienced the most extreme forms of poverty and depravation from the time he was born, and with the death of Hange, has now lost every, single person that he ever formed any kind of close bond with.  With Hange’s death, Levi is left finally, completely alone.  And the look of defeat on Levi’s face throughout this entire arc is, I think, reflective of the affirmation he must feel, of the cruelty and injustice of life’s indifference to the suffering of everyone.  Every experience in Levi’s life has driven home to him the lesson, again and again, of the unfairness and cruelty of existing in this world.  And the events of this final arc, Eren’s betrayal, Zeke’s manipulations and cruelties, the deaths of so many comrades, the Rumbling, violence and destruction and allies turning against one another, and finally, Hange’s death, can only solidify for him the hopeless cynicism he’s fought against all his life, the awful comprehension of life’s brutality.  With Hange’s death, Levi is made to face once more what he’s always, deep down, known, which is that to exist in this world is to suffer with no purpose.  

And yet, still, Levi fights on.  He accepts Hange’s death with all the pain the loss crushes him down with.  He tells Hange goodbye, and asks them to “Just watch us.”.  Because even with the affirmation of all of Levi’s greatest despairs, he still finds a reason to make the fight worth it.  To realize the dream they all fought for, the salvation and future of humanity, and through the realization of that dream, to give meaning and importance to the lives of all those who have died in that dreams name, and meaning and importance to the lives of those yet still there.  Levi refuses, still, to give up, refuses to accept the futility and insignificance of people’s lives, even as he’s so ruthlessly reminded again and again of it.  And it’s in Hange, I think, that Levi finds that strength.  Because Hange also refused to give up.  Like they told Floch as he bled out, “We still can’t give up.  Even if we fail here, now, maybe someday...”  Maybe someday, life really will get better.  Maybe someday, people won’t have to suffer so much.  Maybe someday, there really will be a point to all of it.  Even in the face of total despair, Hange and Levi both found reasons to keep fighting.

Also, just some smaller observations about Levi’s physical state, and what it also says about his determination to not give up, but also about his perception of himself.

Levi is doing BAD here.  I didn’t notice this on my first read through, but when they’re all gearing up with their ODM gear, Levi is the only one sitting down on a crate, while everyone else is standing.  We see earlier in the chapter, when he leaves his room on the boat, he can’t even stand without the support of a handrail on the upper deck, or Armin’s arm around his shoulders.  And then when we see him testing his grip on the handle of his ODM’s blade, his hand is visibly shaking.  Levi’s physically too weak to stand on his own at this point, too weak to even hold his blades steady.  He must be in absolutely horrific pain.  Probably dizzy and lightheaded, probably nauseas even.  He’s FAILING physically.  On the verge, it seems, of collapse.  The fact that he’s even up and making the effort to move is something of a miracle, let alone that he’s prepared to engage in intense, physical combat, which just a short time later, he DOES.  That’s remarkable, and such a testament to Levi’s incredible will and unwavering conviction to fight for humanity.  He’s dying.  I think literally, he’s extremely close to death, genuinely frail.  But he still is ready and willing to give his all.  I think, over the course of the few chapters before this one, it must have been horrifically hard for Levi to sit by and watch as everyone else risked their lives to fight.  This isn’t something Levi is used to, being helpless and unable to fight for others.  He isn’t used to letting others take the risk while he stays back.  When Levi comes out of his cabin and Armin tries to convince him to go back to bed, Levi snaps with impatience that if he keeps resting, they’re all going to forget he even exists.  This reveals a lot about Levi’s perception of himself as someone who needs to make himself useful in order to matter.  As a tool to utilize.  He feels useless and like dead weight if he isn’t able to fight, and so, even on deaths door, he pushes himself to do just that, to become a weapon to be used in the coming battle.  It’s heartbreaking, to see Levi regard himself this way, even as it proves his incredible devotion and heart.  Once again, his own well being takes a backseat to the cause of others.  His health is secondary, in his mind.  For someone who always shows so much compassion and kindness and understanding for others, it makes it doubly heartbreaking, to see that Levi can’t manage the same compassion for himself, can’t give himself a break, or a pass for his weakness.  That he can’t allow himself that vulnerability, or for others to fight for him, even as all his life, he’s done nothing but fight for others.  

[lyallblacklupin]

Sirius tries to remember Remus.

Post-Azkaban Wolfstar: Angst with Hopeful Ending.

Sirius is battling with his memory after Azkaban. 12 years of dementors torturing him, that had caused some real damages to his brain. He doesn’t remember people until they introduce themselves to him. Everyone is steering clear his way but Remus hasn’t given up on him yet.

These days are sickening. They make you feel so lonely and ugly. They tell you—no they scream at you that you don’t deserve anything. Know why? Because you don’t matter. You don’t exist. The most horrifying thing about those voices is that they can make you believe they are saying the truth. Like I did. And I still do, and believe me, it’s not good.

Life is just unfair is so easy to say, it’s just a slip of tongue as if you are consoling a group of people, like Madam Hooch used to when we would lose to Slytherins because they played dirty. However, realizing the fact how unfair life really is, is gut-wrenching. It forces you to become unlike yourself. It puts malevolent ideas in your head for the people who you love—or used to loved. I would go on and blame these walls, but then I’m questioning the universe that why did I have to be born here? The Grimmauld Place 12? And then I’m eventually answered; Life is unfair, you git, haven’t you get it yet?

The nights are terrible here, I hear Kreacher whispering to my charming mother’s portrait, I hear the floor creaking even though no one comes here, except they are invited by Dumbledore—which sounds weird because it’s my house but again, life is just unfair.

Right now, I’m struggling to sleep because there is a prickling fear sitting at the edges of my body. The fear of Dementors for taking the last of everything away.

I still have some good memories, like the one when James made me Harry’s Godfather. Harry’s big emerald eyes were streaming with fat tears until he was given into my arms. I can remember that I had gasped at the scene, and so did the others in the room.

“Oh Sirius! He was crying for like an hour! But he stops now!? I swear this is not a coincidence!” Lily said, but James had been quiet.

“Prongs?” No answer.

“Prongsie? Hey!” Because I caught him pressing his hand on his mouth forcefully, his face blotchy, and he didn’t stop sniffing. He was crying! “What? Like you—father and son both work alternatively? When Harry stops crying, he transfers his weeping mantra to you, and vice versa?”

“Shut up!” Before I said something, I let out an ‘oof’ because James shoved me in his embrace, sandwiching Harry in middle of the process. Harry was giggling with his tear-stained face. His laugh was like music to my ears. I didn’t mention that. I was in love with Harry. He felt like my own child. I never thought I’d feel this exuberance but there was, more than I expected. I was bad at displaying true affection in front of people, but I couldn’t help when Harry’s tiny and chubby hands brushed the collar of my jacket, utterly in awe with the feeling of material on his fingers, I completely forgot James was hugging me, and I managed to press a kiss on Harry’s cheek. He smelled like soft babies. I was in love with that scent. I wanted to hold him forever.

I can never forget that memory. It helps me cast a patronus. There is also something vague about that memory. There is someone too in the small crowd, behind me, other than James. I can remember there was the blonde girl, Mckinnon, and her best friend, Meadows-something. I struggle with names. Sometimes I forget—

“Sirius?”

—Remus’ name. I have to see or hear the person to see if I can remember.

“I’m in my room?” He calls me out every time for like the hundredth time he has found me in my bedroom, and yes, I am still in my bedroom. He won’t stop calling me out. Sometimes, he is very annoying.

“Oh yeah, Of course.” He appears at the doorway, leaning to his left, smiling weakly. He looks tired. He is short of breath. I want to give him a glass of water but my limbs are protesting.

“I could give you a glass of water, but I—just don’t feel like getting up.” I didn’t want to say that but I did because the expressions on Remus’ face are priceless. There is awkwardness written on his face with a hint of shock and sadness. There is nothing pretty about that, but it brings back an indistinct memory I enjoy that I cannot tell. I am disturbing. That’s another trait I have discovered about myself ever since I came back from Azkaban.

“No, it’s alright. I just had water. Not thirsty at all. I—umm…I brought you something.” He says, and then I notice a package in his hand.

“Hope it’s not something you and your werewolf buddies plays with.”

“Ha, no, I wish. But it’s something I needed to give you…from a very long time.” He comes and sits beside me. I had to sit up because I can’t let him touch me. I don’t know why but I am always scared of Remus Lupin, and it is my secret, “Here.” He gives me the package, and looks into my eyes. I try looking away but I couldn’t try harder.

“Happy Birthday.” He whispers, and it sends a shudder to my body. What is the date today?

I open the package, and there it is. A photo frame. It was a leather frame. Black. I am trying not to look at the picture so I distract myself by admiring the leather. And again, I remember Harry. But it is a forced visualization so it doesn’t last longer. I am very much aware of Remus’ presence. I am also getting short of breath now. I look at him and he is already staring at me. I smile at him, but he frowns. And then I frown, too. What is wrong? I saw his hand coming up near my face, and I bat away.

He is gawking at him with wide and horrified eyes, and a hurt expression.

“I—I’m sorry. I don’t…I just—I am sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know you don’t. But you eventually do.” It doesn’t come out bitter. He is smiling at me, but he isn’t done talking, “Sirius, I want to talk. It is eating me alive. Sometimes, I don’t think I am left with much longer in me…But, hey,” He reaches out but stops immediately, “Please…I—I want to talk to you about…Everything or anything. We can talk about us?”

“Us?”

“Yeah…If you want to,”

“There is no Us, Remus.”

“There used to be.” I snort, but he is frowning. I hate his frowns. Why can’t he just smile like a normal person?

“Like what? Did we snog? Or shagged once or twice?” I can’t recall any heterosexual experience, so I can’t say I have never done anything with a guy.

“Sirius, was that picture not enough?” He said with such sadness. And then I look at the picture.

And then I see it. There is a younger version of Remus Lupin, wearing a giant grey jumper, sitting on a library’s table. How decent. There is someone in between his legs, standing before him. It is a dark-haired guy, wearing a Gryffindor tie on his hogwarts’ uniform. He has his hands wrapped around Remus’ torso. A thick curtain of his long hair is almost concealing the half of his face, considering how much it is already buried in Remus’ chest. He squeezes gleefully which causes the younger Remus to erupt with laughter. The scene goes back and forth. And then I spot two people sitting in far distance. They were unmistakably James and Lily. They are the only people I recognize. Those two are cackling because how stupidly romantic the two boys are acting against each other. The picture keeps playing, and I focus again on the couple in the spotlight, and I realize that little Remus is trying to press a kiss on the guy’s forehead but the other person doesn’t stand still, constantly whipped his long hair—and then I freeze all of a sudden. Because I see it. The grey eyes, the long hair, and especially the scar on the left wrist, which still glows sliver in the daylight when I secretly stand in the balcony.

“That is us.” It comes out of my mouth even though I never expect myself to say it.

“Yeah, you and me. We were not just each other’s quick snog, or shagging partner. We go way back, Padfoot. Longer than James and Lily.”

“I don’t remember you…” It comes out as a whimper. I feel stupid and vulnerable.

“I’m sorry, Sirius. I’m sorry for what I did. I never apologized about this…I wanted to—“

“I don’t remember you…”

“—but I never really got a chance. I’m sorry I thought you could betray the Potters. I’m sorry that I kept myself believing for twelve years that it was you. But I swear to Merlin, I never stopped loving you—“

“I don’t remember you, Remus…” But he is not listening.

“—I used to hate myself for this. I felt disgusting that I still loved you. And then I melted myself in filthy thoughts. No one was there to judge me. I used to picture you all the time, sitting on the sofa waiting for me to come back from the muggle job you hated. I used to see you laying on the bed in the night. I used to imagine myself cuddling up with you. And some days, it was so real that we used to talk till dawn. We used to watch the sunrise together. October 31st used to come and go by, and we pretended it was just another Halloween and you used to say ‘Moony, you hate Halloween because some people dress up as werewolves, and you don’t get to wear a costume!’—“

I stop saying anything. I cannot tell that I don’t remember him because I do. His hand accidently rubs shoulder, and I am suddenly yanked to my happiest memory—Harry’s beautiful hands reaching my jacket—and the ‘someone’ is not just someone who is behind me, rubbing my lower back and laying his head against mine, because it was him. It was Remus Lupin. It is still Remus Lupin, I want him to be.

I cannot tell that I don’t remember him because I am starting to…and it’s a start. He keeps telling me how he spent the last twelve years, so I listen to him because my years were not in an open cage just like his. It was scary to be locked up for years and never to see the people you love, but it must have been even scarier to be free for years and never see the people you love. Remus Lupin has suffered too, and I can’t help but be there for him. 

So as he keeps rambling his stories about his undying love for me, I slip into his space, and wrap my arms around his torso, like I had in the picture, and bury my face into his chest. He is not warmer as he must have been in that picture but it calms me down because his heart is beating against mine, and I am happy to have him alive with me.

Thanks for reading! Stay magical!

[cataschism]

➤ closed starter for @hcsuffered.

Terror, Six believes, comes hand in hand with life. There’s no amount of living that can beat this world in all of its horrors             /             its unfairness             /             its cruelties. Never pausing for breath. Six is the last person to believe that truly & without losing everything, the world can change for one person, or because of one person’s heart. Six has seen its own limbs grow to enormous, horrifying lengths, much like one would expect more of fungal parasites than of a living person. ( eat, eat, eat. )

Double - digits. What a far away concept.

Even more so, in a world full of things             /             things like Six, without being Six, being more Nines or Twos or things of that nature. They had horrible faces and unfaces, features without features and skin that’s so raw & bleeding it’s unlike the fabric of reality itself. Six does not truly exist without being in the mind of people that fear Six, and without those people, Six cannot be sure its truly alive or breathing. Even with the knowledge that its body is concrete, that its real & tangible             /             without sight or fury, it might just disappear.

Such is the way.

In the open plains of the world as it’s come to exist, with the Alternates such as Six roaming around freely             /             stealing people’s identities and their livelihoods from underneath them, forcing suicide after suicide among the masses for looking at their faces             /             their voices even cause discreet harm, replaying & replaying & replaying with such an insistence that it’s hard to ignore. Impossible, even. Calling out from the voices of loved ones to beg you for mercy             /             to come inside the house, please, Mark, the last thing you need to do is get caught by one of those things           /           why aren’t you listening? don’t you trust the sound of my voice? ( eat, eat, eat. ) stupid boy. idiot boy. didn’t you always know you’d be found, eventually?

Six has covered its eyes with a yellow raincoat, although muddied now by the cross country journey of its wanderings, aimless and never ending, it has done its part. Unlike the other Alternates its witnessed and laid hands upon, all Six remembers is this pronounced feeling of starvation             /             terribleness & terror & negligence of the self all mixed into one             /             Six is not without feeling, but without fullness, like narcissists begging for more attention.

Unlike other Alternates, as well, Six cannot speak, but translates through intentions. Actions, as one might say. Intentions to hurt, to eat, to turn invisible. But, much like all the rest, hungering beasts devouring prey, songs numbing pain             /             Six can feel the presence of non - Alternates. The presence of a victim, waiting to be caught. ( eat, eat, eat. )

Six doesn’t think the victim has noticed it, yet. It’s still small, only taking the appearance of a nine - year - old child, gender both undetermined in its intentions and in its exterior             /             with a muddied yellow raincoat, brown & red. In the rain, it might even just look odd, out of place             /             but not dangerous. who could fear such a little, pathetic wet thing out in the rain, tummy rumbling, practically crying for help ?  ( eat, eat, eat. )

Those who would consider Six not dangerous would not survive the night. ( eat, eat, eat. )

[elizabeethan]

Watch The Sunlight Fade: 3 / 18

Emma Swan finds out that her boyfriend has been hiding something from her: he’s in a gang and trying to get out. Reluctantly, she decides to support him, sticking it out with him until they have enough money to flee to Florida. All she has to do is wait and ignore that feeling in her gut that something is seriously wrong. With the help of a kind and handsome stranger, she just might make it out alive.

Or, alternate summary: I’m horrible at summaries, please just read it.

Something of a cross between a What Still Remains AU and a Sons of Anarchy AU.

A/N: You may have noticed a chapter count! It’s subject to change, but I’ve outlined the whole story and have written halfway through chapter 12, so we’re getting there, friends. Reminder to check warnings and tags and message me if you have questions. There will be depictions of violence, domestic violence, very very brief discussions of non-con (kind of) and psychological abuse throughout this story.

Rated M

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~~~~

The door to his apartment slams behind her as she stumbles in, the alcohol in her veins obviously taking over as he helps to steady her. “Easy,” he warns, hand on her waist as he guides her towards the guest room. 

 “You’re not gonna let me stay in bed with you, big guy?” she slurs, giving him a flirty smile. 

 “No, love,” he answers softly. “You need rest.”

 With a giggle, she answers, “I get paid to have sex with people. Shouldn’t you be flattered that I’m soliciting you?”

 “Tink,” he laughs, “I am very flattered. But you need to go to bed.”

 “I can still give you a good time even though I’m drunk, you know,” she promises, letting her fingers dance along the lapels of his jacket. 

 “I know that, love. I just think… perhaps it’s time to… bring this arrangement to a close.”

She pouts, her bottom lip popping out and her brows furrowing. “Something I said?” she asks. 

 With a slight shake to his head, he smiles shyly down at her and brushes a wayward strand of her honey locks out of her eye. “No, but perhaps we can finish this tomorrow morning when you’re sober?”

 Tink shrugs, letting her heavy kids fall closed and turning around to stumble down the hall. “It’s okay,” she says as she finds the doorknob. “I know it’s that blonde girl.”

 “Liv…” he starts, although he isn’t sure where he’s going as he begins to speak. It’s not the blonde girl, not really. Although he felt a connection to her from the moment he saw her, he also knows that his and Tink’s fling is just that: a fling. It can’t last, and while he likes her well enough, he thinks it unfair to continue on with something to which he isn’t fully dedicated. “It’s not you.” 

 She snorts and nods her head lazily, letting it flop a bit too freely on her neck. “It’s not you, it’s me. I get it.” 

 “Hey,” he tries again, giving her a soft smile as he tucks away the same defiant strand of her hair. “I’ll always be here for you, you know that. I’ll always have love for you.”

 “Yeah,” she smiles with a soft blush, her lids looking heavier and heavier with each passing moment. “I love you, too, bud. It was probably a bad idea to sleep with your best friend anyway.” 

 “I’m not sleeping with Robin,” he deadpans, knowing with certainty that it’ll draw a hearty laugh from her. She pushes against his shoulder with more force that she was likely expecting and turns around to open the door to his guest room. 

 “You dolt.” Once she’s in the room, just as she’s about to shut the door behind her, she spins quickly to face him once more. “By the way, you’re a total idiot if you go after her.” 

 “Bloody hell, not you too,” he complains as he scratches behind his ear. 

 “She belongs to Cassidy and you know it. You know what’ll happen if you pursue her.” 

 “Aye, that’s why I have no intention of doing so. Now, go to bed, Olivia.” 

 “Ooh,” she fakes a shudder, “full name; I must've been naughty.” 

 “Aye, you were. Goodnight, love.” 

 “Night, KJ.” 

 He listens to her giggle as she stumbles through the room, one she’s stayed in countless times before. She’s right; they probably never should’ve started their affair in the first place. Sleeping with your best friend is bound to end badly. But they understand each other, each of them here with hardly a choice on whether they stay or go. It isn’t as if they’re being held against their will, but the implication is that they’ll seriously regret it if they try to leave, one way or another. They simply both took comfort in knowing that someone else felt as they did. 

 He’s about to go to bed himself, ready to rid himself of the guilt that came along with the events of the day, but he pauses as he walks by his front door just in time to hear a resounding thud coming from across the hall. He panics and swings his own door open when he hears the terrified cry in response. He heard something earlier today that sounded exactly like that terrified cry. 

 Rushing over to Neal’s apartment, he places his hand on the knob and presses his ear to the door. He doesn’t want to burst in with haste since he has no idea what he actually heard, and the door must be locked anyway. But he can’t help but recall the image of her pressed to the door looking horrified, two knives on either side of her throat. He can’t get the look in her eyes out of his head. 

 There aren’t anymore sounds resonating from the apartment, silence falling over him as he attempts to listen out for signs of trouble. After a moment, all he hears are soft, painful sobs coming from the other side of the door. 

 ~~~~

 It’s surprisingly even more terrifying to be in the shop during the day than it was at night. At least when she was here last night, the shadows kept the frightening details of the space hidden, but now that the sun is up and streaming through the small basement windows, she’s able to see too much. 

 She can see the aged and worn paint on the walls, giving her an automatic and infallible feeling of unease. She can see the decorative weapons proudly displayed on every inch of every wall. She can see the rugged violence on each of the men’s faces so clearly in the sunlight. Being here terrifies her. 

 “Morning, Miss Swan,” Peter greets as Neal leads her into the large meeting room. He’s already sitting at the table waiting for them, Gold at his right and two empty seats to his left. There are several other members at the table as well, and she can’t help but notice how bright Killian’s eyes look in the sun streaming through the windows. “Welcome to your first real family meeting.” 

 The others around the table laugh, everyone but Jones seeming to find his joke about her near death experience to be funny. “Aren’t you going to say hello?” Neal asks in her ear, his voice low and his teeth clearly clenched. 

 She clears her throat and gives Peter the fakest smile she can muster. “Good morning.”

 “That’s a good lass,” he praises, setting free a flock of anxious butterflies in her stomach. “Come sit. We saved you a seat by Neal.” 

 They sit side by side, and it’s becoming easier and easier to question his ranking within the group of men at the table. She finds it impossible to see him as a simple lackey when his name is carved into the table in intricate lettering in front of his chair, directly to the left of Peter's seat at the head. 

 There are talks of their plans, and she gathers some information easily while they seem to go to great lengths to keep other things hidden from her based on the threatening glances Peter doles out from time to time. There’s a trip coming up, and it’s automatically assumed that Neal will be going with Peter and Gold will be staying behind, as if this arrangement was made and agreed upon a lifetime ago. Once the other attendees are determined, Peter turns to face her and gives her a smile. 

 “Now, a job for you, my dear. Neal tells us you have a talent in finding people.” 

 “She can find anyone,” Neal says proudly, referring to her short stint as a bail bondsperson back when she lived in Boston. When she had met Neal after he witnessed her taking down a skip, he took her under his wing and told her she didn’t have to live such a dangerous lifestyle anymore. “Well, almost anyone.” 

 Her stomach flips at his hint; at his willingness to bring up one of the most painful memories she has. She’s great at finding people, but in 25 years, she still hasn’t been able to find her parents. 

 Pan hums. “We can look past a few failed attempts. What we need from you now, Emma, is your skillset to find a certain someone who deserted our cause.”

 She gulps. “You want me to hunt down someone who doesn’t agree with you?” 

 “No love,” he laughs, and Neal’s grip on her hand tightens just a notch. “I want you to find someone who has valuable information and won’t hesitate to hand it over to a rival.” Emma bites her lip in thought, concern likely colored across her face. She hadn’t considered the existence of a rival gang before this moment, and she becomes frightened to think of there being more than one set of men like them. The thought that another gang is out there and considers themselves rivals to The Lost Boys means she’s potentially putting herself in even more danger by becoming associated with them. What will another gang do to the girlfriend of one of their rival’s members, especially a member whom she suspects is higher up in the rankings than he’s letting on? 

 “It’s not lost on me that you’re feeling uncomfortable here, Emma. The tension between you and Neal is perfectly palpable. But I’d implore you to let go of your fears; no one here will harm you. We’re here to protect you. By simply being associated with Neal, you have the protection of everyone in this club. And I’m sure it makes perfect sense that we would expect something of you in return for our unquestioning devotion to your safety.” 

 Although something about his words makes her suspicious, she suddenly feels a sense of strength at his claim that she’s a part of the group now. It’s as if he’s telling her that her thoughts and opinions matter, so she makes a bold choice and speaks up. “Can I clarify something?” she asks. 

 “Of course.” 

 “What are you protecting me from, exactly?” 

 Peter smirks and shakes his head, giving Neal a look that she can’t quite read. “I suppose Neal hasn’t informed you of how dangerous a place this world can be for a woman like you, Miss Swan. Your love for Neal makes you a target, as does Neal’s love for you. By falling for him, you’ve also fallen into our world. And because we’re so devoted to what you have to offer, we will protect you from everyone who may want to hurt Neal.” 

 “Just because I can find people pretty easily?” she asks doubtfully. His explanation isn’t making any sense to her. She can’t rectify in her head how loving Neal can equate to requiring constant protection, especially based on his claim that he’s going to be leaving soon. 

 “No, Emma,” he laughs condescendingly, as if he were talking to a child who couldn’t handle the truth. She wonders if he’s right. “Worry not; all will make sense to you as time goes by. For now, let's get started with your first assignment. Hook, show the lady to her office.” 

 ~~~~

 “Most sites are blocked here,” he explains as he powers up the old desktop, groaning softly as he stands again. “You’ll likely run into trouble if you try to find him on Facebook or anything.” 

 “Why?” she asks, and although she immediately regrets opening her mouth, the look he gives her feels more amused than anything. 

 “Why?” 

 “Um… why are they blocked?” 

 He breathes out a laugh, shaking his head and looking away from her once he notices that the computer has booted up. “To keep you out of trouble, I suppose.” 

 She bites her bottom lip, squeezing her fists until she feels the sting of her nails digging into her palm. She isn’t sure that, in the last day since she’s come here, she’s been kept out of trouble at all. She’s been in trouble-- in danger-- since she heard those bikes pulling up behind her and Neal. 

 “Right,” she says softly, sarcastically, and again, she kicks herself for opening her mouth. She wonders what would have happened to her by now if she was with anyone but Jones in this moment. 

 “Love,” he starts, his voice soft and tender, and she almost wonders if he intends to step close to her. Perhaps he means to comfort her. “I’m--” he clears his throat, “If you need anything…” 

 Their eyes meet, and it’s like the first time again. His azure stare bores into her in a way that makes her shudder, but not out of fear this time. She feels seen, understood, and while it’s only been a day since her traumatic greeting from the club, it feels like a lifetime since she’s felt a sense of safety. It feels comforting to meet his gaze, and she suddenly lets her breathing steady and her heart rate settle. “Thank you,” she whispers genuinely. She isn’t sure how she could relay it to him if she does need something, but the way he looks at her tells her that he’ll know. 

 For the first time since she’s been here, her safety appears to be a priority to someone. Relief washes over her and she lets it, despite knowing that it will dissipate the moment he walks out the door.

 ~~~~

 “How’s it goin’ in here, my little worker bee?”

 She looks up from the computer she’s been staring at, met by Neal leaning against the door jamb with his arms crossed. The dinosaur she’s working on is hardly functioning, most sites she’s tried blocked and inaccessible and the speed at which it loads each page almost painful. After almost a week of working on the assignment they’ve given her, she’s found almost nothing.

 “Hi,” she mumbles, turning back to the screen. All they had given her was a name and a last known location, and she’s struggling to find more.

 “Doing alright?”

 “I can’t find much,” she says. 

 “You’ll find him; you’re smart. I wonder if that’s genetic,” he says with a laugh and a smirk in her direction. She isn’t sure what he means or how to respond, so she simply smiles somewhat awkwardly and moves on. She refuses to let herself wonder if this is another dig at her for being parentless. 

 “It just feels impossible. This guy, Graham… are you sure he even exists?” she jokes. 

 He laughs, but it’s forced and she doesn't detect a genuine smile. “Are you doubting Peter?” 

 Emma looks up at him, meeting his eyes with confusion colored in her own. “No,” she starts, although she isn’t sure if she’s being truthful in her answer. “It’s just…”

 Neal shoves away from the door and slinks closer to her, bending at his knees and squatting until his eyes meet her level. “Ems,” he starts, his hand landing on hers and applying what she thinks is meant to be a comforting amount of pressure. “Don’t start.” 

 “What…?” 

 He groans and leans away from her. “It's not a damn secret that you aren’t happy to be here. I need you to be better about that.” 

 She lets her jaw hang open for a bit longer than she means to, shock taking over her as he confirms what she’s been suspecting since the meeting she attended. “Neal,” she starts, “you’re the one who said you want to get out. You said we could leave after a few weeks.” 

 “And?” 

 “Uh… and… it’s been a week and you don’t seem like you’re… I mean… it seems like you're happy here.” 

 “So what?” 

 “What do you-- so what? You said we were leaving and now it’s like they're your family!” 

 Neal stands quickly, spinning from her in exasperation as he thrusts his hands into his hair. “You’re being so-- stop judging me! What do you even have to complain about?! They’re being nothing but nice to you. You have a home now, I feed you, I love you, we protect you… I don’t get what your damn problem is!” 

 “The knives, Neal!” she shouts, unable to hold back the emotional response to his nonsensical claims. “You threw knives at my head!” 

 There's a loud smack against the desk she sits at, and she’s brought back to the reality of her experience and out of the false sense of control that she let herself believe she had. She has to force herself to move on from the thought that she and Neal are able to have a conversation. When she looks down to where his hand met the surface, she sees his gun held beneath his palm. She pales. 

 “It’s time to move on,” he hisses quietly, his voice taking over the silence of the room. It’s another threat. Another convenient way to show her that he has power over her. That he can take everything away from her, even her life, in a second if she gives him a reason to. “You weren’t in danger, baby,” he says, his voice more soothing this time, drawing from her that feeling again. The feeling that she’s overreacting. “I had it under control, remember?” he asks, pressing a kiss to her cheek. 

 She sighs heavily at the feeling of his lips tracing along her jaw until he reaches her neck. “You did?” she asks weakly. With his sudden change in demeanor, his obvious desire not to make her feel unsafe anymore, she feels something shift between them. 

 “Of course I did; don’t be stupid. You know I did.” 

 It feels good, she lets herself realize. As her eyes slip closed and a soft breath escapes her lips, she makes herself relax into his touch. With her sense of sight cut off, she feels herself giving in to his touch in favor of feeling some sense of relaxation after a week of hypervigilance. His rough stubble scratches at her skin, something she normally doesn’t like, but right now, she doesn’t think she minds too much. With her eyes shut, the rest of the world closed off from her mind, she thinks she could appreciate some stubble. 

 She feels the smooth leather of his sleeve under her fingertips and she likes it. Sure, she’s always thought the leather jackets were sexy, but here and now, something about him in it becomes more appealing. But when his hand creeps up her waist, his touch a bit too rough, too domineering, she flinches. 

 “Shh,” he hisses softly, attempting to soothe her. “It’s alright.” 

 At the sound of his voice, something snaps within her and she stiffens. It sounds wrong, she realizes. “Wait,” she murmurs as his hand creeps under her shirt. 

 He breathes out a disbelieving laugh. “Seriously?”

 “I just,” she starts, nervous as he pushes away. “We’re… I mean, we’re here.” She gestures around the room, hopeful that her discomfort at the thought of sleeping with him in this office where anyone could walk in is clear. 

 “Right. So when we get home, you’ll be more than willing?” he asks doubtfully, rolling his eyes. 

 “Neal,” she begs softly, unsure of where she went wrong. She’s unsure of how she could have messed this up when she was the one to express her own discomfort. “Please.” 

 “Please,” he mimics, his voice rising in pitch. “I’ll see you in a week.” 

 With that, confusing words exchanged between them, he’s out of the room, the door slamming shut behind him. 

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