#dissociative identites

[seidigardensystem]

The Fear of Being Too Much

My mother purposely spaced my brother and myself apart by almost eight years because she knew she could not handle having more than one young child at a time. Even so, I received the message that I am too much over and over again while growing up. I was too sensitive. I was too needy. I was too clingy. I was too . . .everything!

This theme continued to show up as I grew and impacted so many of my relationships. Trauma responses and flashbacks were in full force, even though I didn’t understand that my experiences were flashbacks or trauma responses. I also didn’t understand that I was a We and that we had dissociative identity disorder.

This core belief is still haunting for all of us today. We’re terrified of losing relationships, of being abandoned, or creating conflict that is detrimental to our relationships. We just want everything to be perfect, so therefore we must not be too much. We must swallow our words, our emotions, and freeze our behaviors to ensure our own safety.

We thought we were getting so much better about dealing with the belief, and we are. We also had it come crashing down on us again recently. All it took was one of our selves being out in the front too long without the support from our other selves. The spiral of negative thoughts was steep and fast.

Our gatekeeper, yes, four-year old Jenny, took over and locked us in the dark closet for HOURS. She took away our voice and ability to speak because she feared what this other self might say out loud. It took nearly 24 hours before we were able to switch into someone that Jenny trusted enough to communicate what was going on for us. We’ve come a long way in many ways, and even through this, because there were times we never would have been able to communicate what had happened. There were times where it might have been weeks or days. So, it is better. And also, still hard.

We had hours of suffering and fear that we were about to lose everything because of our trauma responses. This is the reality of having dissociative identity disorder. This is just one small peek at some of the darker, messier sides of living with this. We have come a long way in that the people we have in our life now are able to recognize a trauma response when it is happening. They are able to hold space for us in the tougher moments.

We’re not mad at Jenny. While it is frustrating sometimes to have a four year old Gatekeeper, we are grateful for her. She reminds us of who we all want to be and she wasn’t wrong for shutting everything down. It’s what we actually needed. Sometimes we need our off button pushed. And that’s okay.

[curatorsarchive]

Xu Bing, Book from the Sky, 1987-1991 Overview

Xu Bing’s Book from the Sky (1987–1991) is a mixed-media installation that features hand-printed books and scrolls made from thousands of illegible characters resembling Chinese. Produced over the course of four years, the work includes over four thousand meticulously designed characters, all hand-carved into movable printing blocks in a Song-style font standardized during the Ming dynasty. These books are arranged in a manner that mirrors ancient Chinese texts, inviting viewers to engage with the work as if it were a classical literary piece. However, despite the visual familiarity, the texts are completely unreadable, creating a paradox that entices the viewer’s desire to decipher the work while simultaneously denying it. Xu Bing’s aim was to provoke thought about the nature of language, knowledge, and meaning, especially in intellectual circles.

Critical Analysis

Xu Bing’s Book from the Sky is an exemplary piece for exploring the role of language in shaping identity, particularly in relation to belonging. Language is often considered a key marker of one’s cultural background, identity, and place of origin. It is through language that people communicate their heritage and connect with others, forming a sense of belonging. Yet, as Book from the Sky illustrates, language can also be a source of alienation and disconnection.

Xu Bing’s creation of false characters that closely resemble Chinese challenges the assumption that language is always a reliable tool for establishing identity. Non-Chinese speakers might initially mistake the characters for real Chinese, believing they see a familiar cultural system. However, those fluent in Chinese will quickly realize that the characters are not readable, sparking a sense of disorientation and unease. This “familiar but unfamiliar” feeling captures the duality of language as both a connector and a divider. While language can foster a sense of belonging, it can also disrupt that connection when it becomes inaccessible or unreadable.

Xu’s work subtly critiques established systems of knowledge by rendering something as fundamental as language unreadable. The intellectuals who attempt to make sense of the text are forced to confront the limits of their own understanding, a powerful commentary on how language shapes not only communication but also power structures. In Book from the Sky, the viewer’s frustration at not being able to read the text mirrors the larger issues of exclusion that arise from linguistic and cultural barriers.

From an identity perspective, this work forces us to reflect on how language functions as both a personal and collective identifier. In many ways, Book from the Sky creates a space where the cultural identity associated with the Chinese language is both evoked and denied. The text looks like it belongs, but upon closer inspection, it disrupts any sense of real connection to the language and culture it imitates. For me, this dissonance between expectation and reality mirrors how language can either strengthen or fracture one's sense of belonging.

Xu Bing’s creation of a new, illegible language suggests that identity is not fixed by language alone, but is also shaped by the meanings we ascribe to it. Language can be manipulated and distorted, challenging our assumptions about who we are and where we come from. This work speaks to the broader challenges of defining identity in an increasingly globalized world, where languages and cultures intermingle and boundaries blur.

[dissociart]

"Memory Suppression" An acrylic painting by @artofdid on facebook

[drama-kid-search-history]

HEY!! SO normally i would never bother with videos like these, but i am makign a channel focused around Dissociative Identity Disorder, and letting my alters speak there!!

sometimes my friends might join in but not often.

(Also Max shouted 'suck my dick' and im still laughing at it)

[boxedforyourdemise]

So I was in an argument in a good anti endo server I'm in aaaaaand... Can't believe I have to say this but

Polyfragmented OSDD CAN exist. We are polyfrag. We have met other polyfrag OSDD systems. OSDD is NOT just "DID lite". It is not any less severe nor is there necessarily any less dissociation. OSDD systems aren't just confused DID systems. We are medically recognized as an OSDD system.

There are sources saying it is possible but I beg you to find a source that doesn't that isn't cherry picked. Scales don't count.

Aaaandd some sources (tw for ra/mind control for the second one)

https://scholarsbank.uoregon.edu/xmlui/bitstream/handle/1794/1276/Diss_1_1_2_OCR_rev.pdf

[fqirycollective]

Systems: An Overview

What is a system?

A system is a collection of alters in one body. Systems are only caused by DID, OSDD-1, UDD, or P-DID. Essentially, it's a person with one of those four disorders. They are the only disorders that are able to cause a system. In simpler terms, it's a person whose conciousness is divided by dissociative barriers. However, not all systems want to be seen as parts of one whole, so it's best to just ask.

How do systems form?

Systems form from repetitive trauma that happens in childhood. The current theory that science supports the most is the theory of structural dissociation. Basically, that theory states that kids are born with multiple personalities for each thing (sleeping, playing with a toy, etc.) and that those personalities integrate into one personality (from 7-9) and that personality then grows into a single identity. When repetitive trauma happens to a child, their brain compacts the trauma into one of the child's personalities and raises dissociative barriers so the child can continue functioning as normal. These dissociative barriers prevent the personalities from integrating. Because of this, each personality then grows their own identity away from each other and thus forms their own conciousness stream.

What are the symptoms of systems?

DID is the "main" system disorder people know about (although most singlets still call it MPD or split personality). Symptoms of DID include:

- 2 or more distinct alternate states of identity

- Amnesia of daily life, big events, traumatic events, and/or personal information

Among others, of course. Symptoms may not be caused by drugs and/or alcohol, and can't be caused by cultural practicies. They must also disrupt your life and cause distress.

As for OSDD-1, there are two subgroups. In OSDD-1, you're missing one of the two symptoms above. In OSDD-1a, you don't meet the criteria for the distinct alternate identites. In OSDD-1b, you have little to no amnesia. Everything else applies.

In P-DID, you meet all the criteria for DID. However, there is always one alter who is there and other alters kind of "front over" them (in the words of The Axolotl Collective). In UDD, the reason you don't meet the criteria for DID isn't specified. Whether it be the amount of amnesia, the developed-ness of the alternate identities, or something else.

[sashadreadful-moving]

I am. Mad, again, about the way the cosmere fandom treats Shallan and her dissociative disorder.

Take this post, for example- I don’t think the OP meant harm! But.

Just about every third post I see about Shallan&co refers to Veil and Radiant as “fake” or the like, and I just.

Seeing this shows how you treat people with dissociative disorders in general, how you think about us. My alters aren’t fake identites, they’re just. Identities. And even that’s a gross oversimplification.

Just- please treat Veil and Radiant in your memes and fanworks and essays and whatever as people. If you don’t, think about the message you’re sending to real people with dissociative disorders. If you’re writing a fic or something and worried you might be getting it wrong, reach out! I know for one I’m happy to answe questions. I know some amount of the people saying Veil and Radiant are “fake identities” or “personas” or whatever just don’t know any better, and I am more than happy to try to help people learn.

tldr: please fucking treat veil and radiant as people and not just a shitty coping mechanism, it shows how you’d treat real people with OSDD/DID

[seidigardensystem]

The Truth About Resistance

Dear Therapists,

Many years ago, I volunteered at a camp for youth that had a zipline that ran right over a large pond. It was everyone’s favorite! Under my charge was a sweet but fiery young girl who wanted to try it but was also a little afraid. I agreed to go tandem with her and her eyes just lit up with excitement. We harnessed ourselves up and got in line. We climbed the wooden stairs and waited for our turn. One by one kids leaped off the platform and zipped straight across the lake and screamed with joy. Then it was our turn.

Fear and panic took over and the little girl burst into tears as we stood on the ledge. She did not want to go. I knew that as soon as we stepped off the ledge she would realize that it wasn’t as scary as it looks. I knew we were safe and that she could do it. But she didn’t. We were all hooked up and the gentlemen in charge gave us a pat on the back to go. For a brief moment, I reconsidered as the tears rapidly swam down her cheeks and she screamed and hollered “no.”

It reminded me of myself, sitting across the way from my inpatient therapist. I wanted help. I didn’t want to be suicidal and full of shame and everything else, but now that I was here, faced with the actual work, fear and panic took over. She had asked me a question and it felt as if shame had filled me up from my toes to my head. According to my therapist, we sat in silence for a full ten minutes before I finally whispered the answer to her question. She said she had never allowed silence to last that long in a session before, but she knew that I was switching between my dissociative identities and she said, “I knew you would say something profound. And you did.”

For my ethics class, we had to watch a movie and critique the therapist. I chose to watch Good Will Hunting and was highly intrigued by the scene where the therapist, Sean, becomes angry with his client Will, for giving “bullshit” answers. He even goes so far as to kick him out of his office.

Then I think of one of my littles (a dissociative identity that is considered a child) who glares at my outpatient therapist when she doesn’t like what she’s hearing. Our arms fold across our chest, we scowl and turn away from her when we don’t want to do what she says or when we disagree with what she’s saying. Another little just says no constantly.

A fellow student recounted a therapy session she experienced during her internship where she felt so flustered and didn’t know what to do. This teenage girl had requested therapy and her grandmother brought her, but now the girl wouldn’t say a peep during her therapy session. She didn’t know how to get her to talk.

All of these scenarios deal with resistance. This is where we, your client, don’t want to go where you, our therapist, want us to go. I don’t need to change. There’s nothing wrong. I don’t want to talk about that. I don’t want to talk at all. No. Nope. Nada. Never. Maybe it makes you want to throw in the towel or kick us out of your office, but that would be a big mistake. Understand, if you’ve come head to head with resistance, then you’ve struck gold. You’ve waded your way through the muck and the mire of all the superficial things we’ve been using to avoid what really matters and found the very thing we need help with the most.

Resistance is your friend, not your enemy. I might be pushing you away with all my might, but in reality I want to pull you in and spill the shameful things hidden inside my heart. That little girl who was afraid to go on the zipline screamed and hollered that she didn’t want to go, but that wasn’t true. She needed me to take the plunge with her. As soon as we leaped off the ledge, her screams and tears ceased. She immediately began laughing and squealing. 

That ten minutes of silence with my inpatient therapist might have dragged on for her, but for me it passed by in a matter of seconds. We were switching and arguing inside about what we would say and what we could reveal. We wrestled with that shame and processed our thoughts and feelings until we finally had the words that could come out. Once the words left our lips in that small little whisper, the shame was able to dissipate. If my therapist had broken the silence or changed the subject, we wouldn’t have had to work through our resistance.

When we give you less than authentic answers it means we’re skirting away from the truth that we don’t want to face. We’re used to being abandoned and given up on, so what makes you any different? Therapy is a game you play to stay out of jail or stay out of the hospital and we know the answers that you need to hear or maybe even want to hear. If you accept anything less than our full authentic self, then why should we be honest with you? Stay with us. Be present with us. Be patient with the process. If we have to trust the process of healing, then you have to trust it too!

So please don’t throw your hands up in frustration. Dig deep with us. Be patient with us. Be a rock as we work through our resistance. Change is scary. Facing the hard things about ourselves is scary. We might kick and scream and holler “no” or dig our heels in and refuse to talk at all. It doesn’t mean that we don’t want to; it means we need you to take the plunge with us.

Sincerely,

A DID client & future therapist

[transsalvatoremoreau]

Hello, I'm Sal. They/them.

Here's some stuff I'll answer because im worried about being asked.

Is this a kin or RP blog?

No! I am a fictive in a system.

What's a System? If you don't know a quick explanation is: Dissociative Identity Disorder or Other Specified Dissociative Disorder. A system is the group of individuals that stem from this, different 'identites' in 'one' person. I am not here to teach about systems but that's a quick overview.

What is a fictive?

An introject member in a system who, during their formation, whether it be forming with the system or splitting, is 'based on' a fictional character. A fictive can be very close to the character they are 'based on', or very different, and it varies depending on the person.

Other stuff!:

I don't have my own DNI, but there's one in the System Carrd.

Basically, I'll block anyone I don't want following me if they do. That's all!

My host is 20. I don't think I have a clear age myself.

If you want to talk, I have a discord! Message me for it. :}

I now share the account with Rose, who's a fictive of Rose from the same source as me. Lu is a minor and uses she/her and lu/lune pronouns.

Posts I rb/are rb'd for me are tagged with "sal tag" and rose's are tagged "rose tag"!!

Thanks for reading if you did! - Sal

[raven-system]

I hate that my most recent used tags are no longer listed in tags?

Like these are tags I follow, not tags I use. I used to be able to just quickly tap things like “dissociative identit disorder” “unrelated” and “Collin posts” but now none of those tags are listed

@staff please fix this?

Ps. I was adding tags to this post and suddenly the tags listed changed? And I opened it again just now and they changed again?? What the fuck?

Please signal boost this

[circleofnaturespirits]

What is Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Dissociative Identity Disorder (Or DID for short) is a severe form of c-ptsd (complex post traumatic stress disorder) that is characterised by the presence of two or more distinct altered states of identity (alters/parts) within the one brain/body. It stems from childhood trauma and cannot be formed later in life.

People with diagnosed DID make up around 1-1.5% of the population which may sound small but that is still around 78 million people. And this is only those diagnosed with the disorder. That percentage can go up to around 7% of the population if we take those who are yet to be diagnosed (this number is only a guess as due to the difficulty of getting a diagnosis and mental health care in certain areas of the world is very very very real).

This page is a safe space for those with TRAUMA BASED DID. There is a term used on the internet called ‘endogenic’. This term refers to people who identify as systems by choice. It is an incredibly debilitating disorder which affects every part of peoples lives.

If you are an endogenic system PLEASE GO AWAY!!! If you are an endogenic system please seek help as you may be suffering from other disorders or mental illnesses. HOWEVER DO NOT CALL YOURSELVES SYSTEMS!!!! IT IS INCREDIBLY RUDE AND INSENSITIVE TO THOSE OF US WHO EXPERIENCE LIFE WITH REAL DID!!!!

Look at it this way: endogenic systems have full control over their actions (provided they are not suffering from another form of mental illness or disorder). Traumagenic systems (systems who went through childhood trauma and developed a system from said trauma) have no control over the other parts/identities/alters/headmates actions.

This means that self harm and sewerslide are very real everyday threats for traumagenic systems to deal with. The identity that is fronting (in control of the body) now might be okay, but if another identity fronts that wants to hurt the body then there is nothing anyone in the headspace/innerworld (a place the mind creates where different alters/parts/identites can interact) can do to stop them.

As a system we went through religious abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and mental abuse for years. This is not a game, this is not a fun coping mechanism. Our body has been hurt multiple times by different alters. To the point where we’ve been hospitalised countless times because our mother didn’t think we were safe at home and she doesn’t want a dead daughter. I have come to just to find blood pouring down my arms.

This isn’t a game, this is a very real debilitating disorder that has the very real capability to kill those affected by it.

Signing off

Grace

[fangirlinginleatherboots]

so, ive been wondering if i actually have alters for a long time... how would i know?

when looking at DID you shouldn’t start at the alters and work towards the disorder, you gotta start with the disorder and then work to the alters.

start simple. do you experience dissociation? what kind of dissociation? what occurs in the time you are dissociating? how much control of your actions do you have during the time you are dissociating? does the dissociation impair your functioning in some way? when dissociating, do you exereince amnesia of the events that occured? during those events, “who were you”? where observed behaviors different somehow? if so do those behaviors have unique identities? if you dont have amnesia, how aware and in control are you? do those episodes have different behaviors that indicate different identites? have you eliminated drugs and alcohol as contributers to behaivors? have you eliminated other psych disorders, neurological damage, seizures, and abnormalities in the brain?

and then you start figuring out who your alters are

maybe you figured out there are people in your head, but you dont fit the other things, in that case they aren’t alters and there are different words and communities for that.

maybe you fit the symptoms but have misunderstood an overlap with a personality disorder and dissociation

etc etc i could go on but the core idea is that you have to look not for alters, but for symptoms. i dont consider alters “symptoms” rather “a diagnostic requirement” but that could be a matter of philosophy.

also talk it through with a professional, a friend, and a trusted adult if you can. do research on the disorder, not the alters. you may find that you have something that presents similarly but isnt DID ya know?

[a-salty-alto]

Since @lady-pei‘s Girls’ Night episode is happening, I decided to make a post giving info on the villainesses who are going to show up.

So “Prison Break” lists three villainesses: Zarda, Crimson WIdow, and Typhoid Mary

First up is Zarda because she is the easiest as she has already been introduced into the series

In the comics she also goes by Power Princess, though she never actually goes by that in the show, the closest we get is when she refers to herself as “Zarda, Princess of Power.” She’s a member of the Squadron Supreme who was first seen in S2E09 “The Dark Avengers,” and later got a focus episode in S2E22 “Midgard Crisis.”  

Like the rest of the Squadron, she’s an evil expy of a DC character, specifically Wonder Woman, and has most of the same powers, i.e. supers strength. She also fights with a sledgehmammer.

She battled alongside Thor centuries ago in the Battle for Muspelheim, and treid to convince him to join the Squadron Supreme. I’m also pretty sure she’s the series’s first female villain.

Her voice actress is April Stewart, who voiced Carol Danvers in Marvel Ultimate Alliance so I’m a 100% expecting a joke about that.

Next is Typhoid Mary, a character who has not been introduced into the series yet, and who I had never heard of before googling her.

Her real name is Mary Walker, and is primarily a villain of Daredevil and Deadpool.

And she’s pretty hot.

...one of her abilities is pyrokinesis. She also has some telekinesis and hypnotic abilities. She’s a mutant, but I don’t think how she got her powers will be brought up. Avengers Assemble hasn’t really brought up any mutants so far. 

But the really big thing with her is that she has dissociative identitity disorder, She has three personalities: “Mary” the pacifist, “Typhoid” who is “lustful, adventurous, and violent,” and “Bloody Mary” who is a sadist. Only Typhoid adn Bloody Mary have powers, while Mary does not. 

Last but not least, is Crimson Widow.

As far as I can tell this character does not exist.

Well, if you google “crimson widow Marvel” nothing comes up. But, fun fact if you google “crimson widow spider” “black widow” comes up, so my guess for who Crimson Widow is is:

Yelena Belova, the other Red Room alum who first appeared in S3E14 “Seeing Double,” wherein, amongst other things, she made Natasha fight the zombified corpses of other Red Room women. God damn I love this show.

I think it’s her because of the “black widow” connection mentioned above, Yelena in the comics goes by Black Widow and the writers mgiht not want to have two characters with the same codename, and “Seeing Double” aired on August 28th 2016, and this episode will air on August 27th 2017, so it would be almost an exact year since her last appearance.

Anyway, she helped capture Bruce Banner and turned the Hulk into the Winter Soldier (just go see this episode. It’s a good Nat episode, plus some good SteveTony), then turned on her boss/mentor Baron von Strucker and tried to kill the Avengers. The only thing is she escaped at the end of the episode, so I don’t know why she’s in prison, unless she’s breaking in to get the others out.

Like Nat, she is a highly trained and skilled assasin, and is most likely enhanced, I don’t think it was actually confirmed either way in the show.

She’s voiced by Julie Nathanson who voices Belle in anything after 2011

I hope this has been helpful!

[seidigardensystem]

Behavior is Communication

Your Words Matter - 2

Dear Therapists,

For more than a year and a half now, I have been looking forward to the semester in my graduate program for clinical mental health counseling when I would actually start seeing real clients. I’ve completed all the main coursework. I’ve done three of the four required residencies and completed countless roleplays. It was time to apply all that I had learned. I had carefully researched multiple counseling sites and interviewed with multiple potential supervisors. I found myself in a place with a certified trauma therapist that wanted me to help co-facilitate a female trauma group. Finally, I was here to learn and do exactly what I had been hoping for as a survivor myself.

Recently, a new client came on my caseload, but it turns out this person had been to the center before and saw other student interns previously. I was able to see the previous clinical notes, but when I talked to the person who had provided therapy before, they refused to tell me what they had given as a diagnosis and said that I needed to figure it out for myself as my learning opportunity. A lot of negative judgment with phrases like, “attention-seeking” were used to describe this client. When I met with my supervisor, all he told me was, “Have fun with that one.”

Are you kidding me? We are talking about a real person here. A real person, with real difficulties in their life that requires therapy. Their problems are not a joke. Therapy is not a game. People are truly hurting in this world and they come to therapy for help. They come to heal and get better and have a more fulfilling life. Using phrases such as “attention-seeking” and “manipulative” and being frustrated with a client who has poor boundaries is a huge disservice to the people coming and seeking help.

Being a trauma survivor myself, I grew up without any secure, healthy attachments. People accused me of being manipulative, creating drama, being selfish, and just looking for attention. It was in therapy that I experienced my first ever secure,  healthy attachment and it was with a therapist. I remember having multiple discussions where I revealed my fears of being too much, asking too much of her, and asking if there even was such a thing as secure, healthy attachments. Her response was, “Behavior is communication.”

It’s surely a challenge when other people cross our boundaries and seem to create a lot of drama but we are supposed to be their therapist, which means having a genuine, caring approach to people who are hurting. As a therapist, our clients are not supposed to meet our needs. We’re supposed to meet theirs! We can provide psychoeducation on boundaries and attachment styles. We can model how to implement and enforce boundaries. We can do the work with clients so that no other person on the planet will accuse them of being manipulative or attention-seeking.

Feeling manipulated is not the same as being manipulated. As a therapist, we need to recognize the difference between somebody being vulnerable and sharing some of their deepest feelings and someone who is intentionally trying to manipulate us.

I remember feeling very insecure about my relationship with my therapist in the first few months of therapy. I ended up texting her something that I don’t exactly remember, but I remember her response. She texted back, “Do you need reassurance?” I remember feeling completely panicked. I did need it, I didn’t know I needed it until she said it, and I was terrified that she knew I needed it, and I felt shame for needing it, and my whole body just froze as I stared at that question on my phone. While I don’t remember exactly what I had texted her in the first place, I have a strong suspicion it may have appeared manipulative or attention-seeking in some way. It was not my intention to be any of those things. Somehow, I was able to get my body moving again and I typed back yes to her. I don’t remember exactly how she responded after I admitted needing reassurance, but I know that she gave it to me unconditionally, no strings attached, and no shame for needing it.

It’s been five years since that moment. She’s still my therapist to this day. What I have experienced is that I now know what a secure, healthy attachment looks like and feels like. I’ve experienced it with her and with other people now. She was consistent, met my needs, and always met me where I was at. Her consistency in her responses to me built trust and secureness.

If clients come to you and challenge you, then consultation and supervision is in order. If their behaviors are challenging to you and you find yourself feeling frustrated, seek out a colleague to help you deal with your own emotions.

Instead of my supervisor saying, “Have fun with that one,” he should have said, “Let’s research this client’’s diagnosis together and come up with some appropriate interventions and treatment plans. This client is going to require a little more expert care than the others you have worked with so far.”

For all the cognitive restructuring that we ask our clients to do, we need to do the same ourselves!

Sincerely,

A DID Client & future therapist

[seidigardensystem]

Don’t Look at Me

Dear Therapists,

I do not want you to see me. I slump down and shrink back into the corner of the couch while refusing to make eye contact with you. How can I answer your question? Your soft gaze and attempt to offer a friendly face actually scares me. It shouldn’t, but it does. I want you to like me. I want you to believe me. I do not want you to know that. I do not want to know that.

I throw the shawl that you keep draped over the back of the couch over my head. I can see you through the threads, but you cannot see me underneath it. It is easier to look at you this way. I check to see if you are judging me. I have years of hypervigilant experience reading every nuance on one’s face and how they move their body.

Part of me knows you do not judge. Part of me knows that I am not really in any danger sitting in your office. Yet, here I am, terrified that you will be absolutely mortified to know what she did, that part of me that is not me and could never be me, but you think it is me because we share this body. She is not me!

I want to know and I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know what she knows.

I hear your voice. I hear the lawn care people on their lawn mowers through the window. I hear the clocks ticking away the precious minutes in our coveted hour. My throat is tight and I cannot breathe. I cannot say the words to you. I know you are talking to me, as I hear your voice, but I cannot hear your words. The words are irrelevant. I see you neutralize your face.

I know what you’re trying to do. It works. I pull the shawl down just enough to reveal my eyes. Is it safe enough yet? I want to say something, but we are still too frozen. I cannot feel my stomach or my hands or my feet. All my energy is congealed behind my eyes. It is the only part of my body that currently exists.

I stare at your shoes. I notice your socks. Your outfit is the epitome of professionalism with suit pants and a matching sweater. I stare at your jewelry and your manicured nails. I dare to cast a quick glance at your eyes before averting my gaze to the pictures hanging on the wall. I see the paintings. I see the plants. I see the various crystal obelisks perched carefully on the end tables. I notice the poof of smoke coming from the essential oils diffuser and notice the crisp scent. Had that been on all this time?

I hear you ask another question and my eyes make contact with yours. I see your blue eyes staring directly at me. I see your empathy. I see that you care. I see I have your full attention. It is all too much and I stare at your hair instead. I still have not spoken. Unperturbed, you wait patiently. I know what I want to say to you. I lower the shawl to my shoulders and bring myself to meet your gaze. I gesture and you hand me the paper and pen.

I scrawl my worst fears on the paper before refusing to hand it to you. I clutch the words to my chest, unaware of my racing heart and clenched fists. Again, you wait patiently. The clock continues to tick, reminding me how close we are to the end of our session. Why is it so hard to talk? Our grip slowly loosens and the paper falls in my lap. I let you take it, but I turn my face so I won’t have to watch you read it. I feel the tension wrapped around my whole body and we think, ‘This is it. This is where we get reprimanded.’

You don’t though. Your voice is soft and gentle. The tension melts away and my arms and legs are free to move again. You offer reassurance. You offer insight. You offer a new way of looking at her. She is not so bad. We simply did what we had to in order to survive the unthinkable. You made it okay. The shame is not gone, but it is less. Maybe, just maybe, it is okay that you see me.

Sincerely,

Your client