#discussion on future potential for self harm

[quipxotic]

OK I’ll play. What insecurity visions could Matt torture Bell’s Hells with? Ideas under the cut for length and also trigger warnings for general trauma and awfulness because, after all, it's emotional torture and manipulation:

What can we guess from what we've seen of the first vision?

Well, Chet saw himself as a child murderer/werewolf version of the big bad wolf, so clearly these visions don't have to be based in reality. They just have to be emotionally resonant.

I suspect a lot of the things we all think should be in the visions because they're commonly discussed among fans, won't be. The players are all aware of those issues and Matt knows that, so if the point is to catch them by surprise, he'll have to try other things. I mean, would anyone have had Chet murdering children on their bingo card before s3e97?

I'll still include the obvious stuff in the list below because my silly brain won't move on to thinking about other options until I have those out of the way.

Another thing, that vision both played on Chet's fears and a soft spot for Travis, so we shouldn't be surprised if the other visions also have dual targets.

The visions could target issues and events that happened before the group met to add to the confusion about whether they're real or not.

Regardless how far the visions are from reality, they have the power to convince their target that they're real.

What visions might we get for each member of Bell's Hells?

Chet

His abandonment by his family, maybe showing what he fears might have happened to them.

The possibility of passing along his curse to his friends or other innocent people.

How little he was able to help in the fight that killed FCG, i.e. the curse he embraced to give himself the power to do more and be more actually not being enough to protect the people he loves.

Being old and either dying without leaving his mark or dying alone, abandoned, and forgotten.

Losing his ability to create using wood or maybe create anything period.

Laudna

Delilah, of course. There’s a lot of ways that trauma could be flavored but my guess is a vision of the children of Whitestone dead at Laudna's hands thanks to Delilah's influence.

Seeing herself hanging her friends on the Sun Tree.

A rehashing of Bor’Dor's death and her doing something similar to all her friends or other people close to them. Keyleth perhaps?

Imogen rejecting her, but maybe not over something obvious like Delilah. Maybe something more integral to Laudna herself like her stunted maturity? Maybe showing Laudna a version of her life where she's trapped in place but everyone else gets to grow, change, and live fully rounded adult lives.

Betrayal from within the group. I’d guess Imogen and Team Issylra would feature highly in that if it happens.

Dorian

We already know that the visions will target the fate of Cyrus, taking the slant that Dorian never let Cyrus take responsibility for his mistakes while simultaneously dragging his brother into the consequences of his own mistakes.

Opal losing herself to the Spider Queen and how he could have saved her by taking the crown himself.

Dorian’s cowardice (whether real or imagined) and tendency to run away from problems/complications is probably too obvious, but it could still be pretty juicy to explore.

The potential destruction of the Silken Squall due to the changes in magic and both he and Cyrus not being there.

Alternatively he could see a life in his home where he’s forced to abandon all the elements of himself and his travels that bring him joy. A future of soulless work and obligation, alone and without the outlet of honest self-expression even in your private hours would crack a lot of people.

Fearne

She thinks she is going to be fine but I don't think so. Like we saw with Chet, the visions don’t have to be based in reality to cause harm

She has some abandonment issues from her parents. I wonder if, rather than taking that head-on, the spin will be around her parents “selling” her to Morri for a favor.

The possibility of her father hurting or killing everyone she loves to try to exalt her.

Do people really love her for herself or for who she was manufactured to be? How much trust can she put in their love? Does Nana love her or does she just see Fearne as a useful card to play in her long game of manipulating fate?

Dark mirror Fearne could show up here, but I doubt it since we just had her a few episodes ago.

Fearne has struggled with understanding death. How would she react if all of her friends were gone or turned against her?

Imogen

The most obvious is Liliana/Laudna not loving her enough to choose her over opportunities for power or control.

The call of Predathos and being fated to surrender herself to it.

Watching Laudna lose herself to the point of committing horrors and having to decide whether to fight her or watch others suffer.

Failing at her mission and facing the consequences of all the death and suffering Predathos could cause.

The death of FCG and that, towards the end of the last Otohan fight, Imogen chose to play dead rather than continue fighting.

Orym

The deaths of his husband and father-in-law seem pretty likely but surely Orym/Liam would expect that? Maybe having Will and Derrig guilting Orym about his feelings about Dorian? It doesn't matter that in reality they'd both be happy for him to love again, just that Orym feels he doesn't have the right to want that.

Having to follow through on Keyleth’s order to kill Bell’s Hells if they become a threat.

Choosing not to kill Bell's Hells and dealing with what he fears Keyleth and his family would think about that.

Seeing Whitestone and Zephrah destroyed and Keyleth and Vox Machina killed because he failed to stop Delilah from taking over Laudna.

Something from their Issylra trip. Maybe the assault on the temple? Maybe something to do with Bor'Dor?

Just the idea that he'll never be good enough to save the people he cares about, perhaps featuring FCG, Will, Derrig, and Eshteross.

Becoming someone hard and cold, delighting in his fighting abilities for their own sake. Basically, becoming Otohan.

Ashton

A lot of abandonment issues in Bell's Hells, and Ashton is maybe the worst of the bunch in that area. His vision could be facing his parents and the Nobodies as they tell him how worthless and disappointing he is? Not smart enough. Not charming or kind enough to make real friendships or keep anyone close. Why would anyone want to be around them for long?

But also maybe they're too much? Too angry, too emotional, too violent, too soft. They're both too overwhelming and too reckless. They can't be trusted with fragile things, like other people's lives (featuring FCG, Laudna, and Fearne for extra pain).

I don't think Ashton is jealous in the way a lot of fans try to make them out to be, but I do think they're insecure in their relationships. So he wouldn't begrudge Fearne her poly relationships but might wonder if there's still room for them in all that? They're glad Dorian is back, but does that mean his close relationship with Orym will be discarded now it's no longer needed to help fill that void? Are they only a convenient, temporary fix that their loved ones use until something better comes along?

Maybe something about Issylra, either Hearthdell and Abaddina or what happened to the Hishari?

Shard-gate, round 2?

Rightfully Essek should also be here, but I don't have the background knowledge to do that well, so I'll leave that to the C2 fans.

[rottendollface]

The Horror of Our Love. Chapter 4.

Co-author: @bigtimesalt8196

Character: Childe Tartaglia | Ajax.

Image: Picsart Al.

Warnings: NSFW; Ajax is older than in canon;

broken time line and age line for the sake

of plot; female virgin reader, incestuous

relationship, family abuse, self-harm,

misogyny, mentions of rape, unprotected

sex, black magic, blood and flesh magic,.

body horror, sacrilegious, Foul Legacy

Childe, breeding kink, miscarriage, marriage

grooming, pregnancy, erotic lactation.

murdering, abyssal soulmates, serfdom

system in Snezhnaya; all the characters are

adults; 18+.

Time was running mercilessly and the date of Ajax's departure was getting closer. Your mental state improved and you opened to your family, but the common joy ended quickly, as you hid into your wordless shell again, frustrated with a hollow feeling of upcoming loneliness. 

Ajax was stressed out. It wasn't rare for you to find him talking to himself, discussing plans for the future and even arguing. Ajax's short temper and unreleased anger were showing at these moments: he was gesticulating in an excited manner; if not, he was walking back and forth, and sighing heavily. 

It happened again when you were searching for Ajax to tell him to come and help others on the stable. You heard his heavy footsteps on the second floor. Before you knocked on the door, you overheard him saying something about grandmother. 

“How in the world could an uneducated hard-working woman become a witch? Still can't get it right in my head.”

You shouldn't be heeding to his words – you were taught not to eavesdrop, but something in your mind told you to stay and spy on Ajax. You pressed your ear to the door and leaned on it. It was unusual and exciting for you until you heard someone answering him.

“You don't need to have specific knowledge to become a witch. She was in so much despair and pain it made her prayers especially sweet and strong. We couldn't ignore such a broken soul. After she got the power, she got the education as well – we taught her to read and count in one hour.”

You frowned, trying to understand who Ajax was talking to. You didn't hear that voice before and it sounded strange: loud, deep and hoarse. At first you couldn't even understand what the person was talking about – their speech was gibberish without words. You heeded, then your mind translated it to a normal humanly sounding state.

“Brilliant. And who was she praying to?”

“She was praying to the devils, young master. The disadvantage of her choice is simple – you never know who will answer to your call.” The person chuckled. You frowned. “In her case, it wasn't just a deal. It was a salvation. We saw a potential in her: her hatred and thirst for vengeance were commendable. She wanted someone from her family to inherit the power and continue the legacy. Just like in the prophecy.”

“A prophecy?”

“Not now, young master. You want to ask me about the diary and the missing part of the power, I can feel.”

“Don't you dare tell me what I want to do.” Ajax hissed. “I had enough of this! One more time you and your fucking henchmen show me these lousy dreams I'll send you all to the deepest of the Abyss and let the guards have some fun with you all in the same manner. Speak and then get lost, son of a bitch.”

“So, part of the power was passed to your dearest sister and there is no way for you to get it back from her, but she will share it with you.”

“What?!” Ajax was stunned. 

“Ask her yourself. Not in my duties to explain everything to you. But I must confess she has a rather beautiful birthmark on her pretty back. Such a pleasure to watch her dressing up in the morning.”

You felt that someone pushed the door and jumped back so as not to fall into the room. 

“Ajax! Father needs your help on the stable.” You spoke first and played like you didn't hear anything. Ajax froze with an aggressive expression on his face, but his gaze became softer when he looked at you. 

“'Thanks,” He didn't wait and rushed to the stable. You stood aside to give him enough space, then looked into the room.

You made a step into it. The atmosphere here was different. A cold sweat broke out your body when you realized whom Ajax was talking to. In a second you felt that everything around you was hostile and hurried to get back to your room, but the door closed right in front of you. In fact… you had questions too, but you were afraid to build up communication with those ghoulish creatures. 

“How can I get rid of you?” You asked into the fake emptiness. 

“There is no way.” The answer was given to you immediately. You cried out, regretting your decision. “We serve your brother.”

“What about me? You said I have the same power as him.” Your brain was running fast, as you tried to rate the risk of the situation. You didn't want to repeat your recent journey of escaping demons, so you stayed alerted. Just a reminiscence of it made you weak in your knees.

“You stole a part of it from him. We mean no harm to you because of the master's order, but we have no desire to help you.” A mocking voice said, leaving you angry. 

“You caused me a lot of harm.” You flared up. You realized that you wanted to play dirty on them. “I'll ask your master to execute his threat. You'll get what you deserve.” You grinned, imagining the torture Ajax promised to them. “Open the door.”

The door opened with a creak. You stepped out and the daze fell from your mind. Your heart was beating like crazy and your limbs started shaking from the fact that you commanded those demons. 

“I hope you are suffering in a sulfur flame, grandma!” You couldn't keep the sudden outbreak of anger inside your throat. It all was her fault. Ajax and you were doomed to repeat her miserable fate because of her selfishness. The old fool believed in some prophecy – you were sure it was just a fiction of the demons to trick her into selling her family's souls to the devil as well. “Stupid cunt! Why couldn't you kill your husband without this fucking heresy?!” You screamed and froze. You opened your eyes so wide they hurt and pressed your palms to your mouth, trying to understand what you just said.

You made it to your room, feeling dizzy from the overexcitement. You laid down to rest. You felt so disgusted by your attitude you couldn't even believe that you let these words out of your mouth. Guilt was gnawing at your heart. Your head and your chest were heavy, you were about to doze off to sleep. Recently you got health issues: no matter what, you always were sleepy. With every day it was harder for you to wake up and get out of bed. You slept for ten and more hours, skipped meals and house work, as you felt completely drained out of energy. Even father stopped bothering you: despite his strictness, he was concerned about your health. 

Suddenly you remembered about the diary and your attention focused on it. You got up but sat down on the edge of your bed, because your vision blacked from a sudden move. You took the diary from its secret place and started reading from the very beginning. You didn't know what you hoped to find, and everything you read didn't make any sense. The words were written in a normal human language, but you couldn't understand a thing from it, as if the diary itself didn't want you to know its secrets. 

You stopped in the middle part to examine a magic circle that was drawn on a page. It was a simple circle with two smaller size circles inside of it. The smallest one had inside two triangles merged in the shape of a star, and in the free space in the middle of the triangles there was an eye; outside the smaller circles there were four crescent moons. You looked at it carefully, then read through the text on the next page and managed to understand it. The text was about an astral plane – an experience of lucid dreaming with the astral projection of your soul traveling through the spiritual world. Flashbacks of grandmother's house attacked your mind right after you decided to explain to yourself the definition of the spiritual world. There was no other useful information to gain and nothing was said on how to get into another world. 

You returned the diary to its place, then realized that there was something wrong with it. It seemed like the diary was deciding which information to give to you, and which one to hide – maybe it was some sort of magic. Bewildered, you took a deep breath and laid for a nap. You were in a slumber when Teucer opened the door and came to your room on his tiptoes. He looked around, then stared at your face. 

“Older sister,” he whispered and shook you by your shoulder. You woke up with a scream, making him jump back. “There is a noise inside your room!” By Teucer's tone you could tell he felt as scared as you. 

“What? I heard nothing.” You rubbed your sleepy face, hardly understanding what he was trying to tell you.

“No! I could swear I heard something inside!” In a second Teucer turned into a whiny boy, his voice got crying notes – it was his usual strategy to attract attention to his words. “'Like someone was scratching on the wood!”

“It was mice, probably.” You tried to wave him away. You were too tired to talk: your whole body was heavy and your eyes were closing on itself. You couldn't sit anymore and lay on your side. Teucer's ginger hair irritated you with its bright color, it made your eyes hurt. You couldn't hear him anymore, simply ignored everything he tried to tell you. Teucer ran away, as he got no response from you.

Just a moment after he came back with Ajax, lamenting on your behavior. Ajax sighed, patted Teucer's head and promised to take a look at the situation. Teucer, who was feeling like a hero, left Ajax and you alone. “What's wrong, dove?” Ajax closed the door and sat on the bed. He brushed away hair that fell on your face. You could feel his peculiar look with your skin.

“Nothing.” You mumbled, hiding your face in a pillow. “I just want to rest.”

“Don't want to seem rude,” Ajax's voice was anxious. “but you are resting too much. Are you okay?”

You didn't answer him, as you fell asleep already. All Ajax could do was to cover you with a blanket and leave, tormented by conjectures. He asked the devils by his side about your health, but their answer was vague – an eclipse was about to happen. Ajax spent the day without you, hoping that you would wake up, but you didn't. 

As usual, he came to your room at night when everyone else was asleep. Ajax found you awake, reading the diary. Two candles were illuminating the room; the wind was howling behind the window, bringing chilly air through the loose shutter. Your room was the coziest in the whole house to Ajax, because it was you to leave here. It was located in the back of the house, poorly furnished and cold, but your presence made it comfortable and welcoming. You closed the diary and put it in the secret spot.

“Do you mind sharing something interesting with me?” Ajax blew out the candles and made himself comfortable in bed. He laid on his side, so he could face you.

“Just a magic book paired with an autobiography.” You did as well, looking at your brother in the dark. “Ajax,” you started, but stumbled, afraid that your question would make him angry. Still, you continued. “Is there any chance for us to return to a normal life?”

“It is our normal life now. You better get used to it.” Ajax sighed. “It is our fate, dove, and we can do nothing about it.”

“I don't want fate like this. I would better die, than…” you bit your tongue, realizing how foul your words were. 

“We were talking about the diary.” Ajax replied with a stern voice that sent shivers down your spine. 

You got nervous and scratched your clavicle. “I don't understand what is happening. Why are we talking so casually about something like this, ignoring all the devilry that is surrounding us?” 

You were the voice of sense, and Ajax lost all his words. You were right – for him it was a usual topic, but for you, who almost lost one's mind contacting the devils and was contaminated with abyssal power against one's will, it was a delirium of polluted brain. 

“That's not something we should discuss for a night. I'll tell you everything later.” Ajax put his pinky finger towards you and you did so, sealing the promise.

In a small talk you were the one to lead the conversation. Ajax kept you in his tight embrace, replying leisurely. His warmth and soft smell of his sweat made you feel relaxed – in this chaos of life Ajax's hands were the only space you felt safe in. It was selfish, it was unfair, but Ajax was the only reason that kept you in this world. His love was your motivation to live and become better. You wanted to protect Ajax in your own way by giving him solace he needed. No one could replace you in his life, no one could love him and comfort him better than you. Was it jealousy? It definitely was. You couldn't even imagine Ajax doing the same things he did for you to another woman. Those fantasies made you feel angry and reckless. 

You turned your head to him, his lips were dangerously close to yours. You looked at him, waiting for something more – out of sudden the desire to be closer awoke in you. Ajax tarried, taken aback by your sudden move, so you pressed your lips to his gently. He slightly opened his mouth, helding your lower lip between his. You felt Ajax fingers brushing over your jawline, that made you hold your breath. An unusual drawing feeling curled in your lower belly; it made you thirsty for more than a kiss – your nipples hardened, full of lustful sensation. 

“This is wrong…” he whispered, pulling away from you. The two extremes were fighting inside his soul – being on the verge of another Fall, Ajax suddenly remembered that he was a virtuous man once. Even his corroded heart contracted nervously. He desired to have you, but you were his sister.

Perhaps, he just needed a little push into this abyss.

Ajax quickly got on top of you, his trembling hands caught your hips. It was the first time he touched a woman in such a private place, that left him overly excited: the beast he was restraining broke out. His mouth covered yours, he placed heated kisses across your face, got down to your neck, biting soft skin, then traveled lower, until your night dress. Ajax's ardor surprised you, the way he forcefully pushed his tongue inside your mouth and squeezed your breasts with tenacious slender fingers made you squeak. 

Ajax lost his mind: all the moral borders were broken and he was striving to push his erected member into your hot, wet place. Afterall, you were a woman in the first place, so it was nothing wrong in sharing bed with you and making you bear his children. 

It was hastily and clumsily, as arousal and thrill of being caught took over both of you. Ajax pulled down his pants quickly; you felt the tip of his cock pressing to your entrance. It was more painful than you expected it to be, so you bit on your index finger to ease that stinging feeling.

“Please, relax…” you heard your brother's husky voice. You did as he asked, and Ajax showed more of his member into you. It was hard not to cry, as it felt like you were about to split in half from this burning and stinging ache. Ajax's lips were trembling, as he was close to climax already.

You kept silent when Ajax started bucking his hips into yours. The process wasn't pleasurable at all and left you praying for it to end soon. Ajax, unlike you, couldn't keep his voice inside his throat, and moaned quietly: your quivering wet walls wrapped him around, sucking his cock deeper inside your womanhood. He had never felt more pleasure in his life. It didn't take long for Ajax to cum, staining your walls with his seed.

The following fuss went in a shy and wordless atmosphere. You left to clean yourself up, and Ajax stayed in the room to fix the bed. Intimacy proved to Ajax that you loved him the way he loved you – and your relationship should result in marriage. He was ready to marry you right now, but it was impossible to his own regret. Demons suggested Ajax take you to another village and introduce you as an orphan to a priest, so the marriage would be possible. His mood lightened – it was the first time those devils recommended something good to him. 

You came back and curled on the bed, as your lower tummy still disturbed you. Ajax hugged you and fell asleep right at the moment, soothed by your warmth. Your brain was restless. For demons it was a triumph, you thought. Despite the fact that this night was calm, you still felt their presence. They were a part of your normality, so you tried to think positively of them. It was very convenient to have servants like them, probably: all the dirty and impossible work was on their shoulders and they couldn't say no. 

You snapped out of your cogitation. You got an awareness that it wasn't your thoughts. They belonged to your head, but were planted in here artificially. You knew yourself well enough (at least you thought you were) and it wasn't in your character to have such destructive ideas. You didn't want to end up like Ajax – losing yourself over uncontrollable animal impulses that were implied to him by demons. They were trying to take control over you, you were sure, and Archons did nothing to protect you, which led you to a painful question – was there any point in praying to someone, who didn't respond to you? Slowly you started to understand your grandmother, and it sent shivers down your spine. 

To calm down you got out of bed and came to the window. Looking out, you saw the Moon. It was unusually bright today, you could see its surface in detail out of your window. It was exciting, for a moment you forgot how to breathe, beholding celestial beauty. Was it possible to reach it? You never heard of experiments of entering outer space, but you were sure it was possible. Why didn't Archons try it? Or, maybe, there were experiments, but in your obscure village no one heard of it. You sighed heavily. You were jealous of Capital citizens, they had everything on their plate by birthright. Ajax promised you that he would find a school for you in the Capital, but you were sure it wouldn't happen. He would be a regular soldier, no one would even think about doing him favors at the beginning of his career. If only you had access to actual knowledge and science… you brushed it away. You had enough disappointments in your life and didn't want to focus on sadness before going to bed.

Unexpectedly, out of nowhere, you saw a green lightning in front of you. It disappeared before you could react, and something fell on the floor, making a sound of fallen glass. You picked up what turned out to be a trinket, something similar to a pendant by its shape and design, but it lacked a chain. 

Shadows in the room started shifting chaotically. 

“What happened?!” Ajax jumped on the bed, aware of a strange sound. He quickly made it to the window and looked out, then he rushed about the room. “I heard something.” Ajax was turning his head, his eyes peering into the darkness. 

“I don't know…” You came to him and showed the find. “It appeared here.”

“A Vision!” Ajax exclaimed and covered your hand with the trinket. “You should hide it, okay? Don't let someone see it.”

“Why? Is it bad?” You got scared and wanted to throw it away, thinking of it as some kind of cursed treasure.

“No. I don't know what you wished for, but Celestia found your desire worthy of attention and granted you Vision. It allows you to manipulate a certain element of nature,” Ajax took his hand off and looked at it. “Dendro, in your case. I have one too. Mine is Hydro.”

“Why didn't you tell me?” You spoke with an offended tone. You thought Ajax would share such a great thing with you, but he chose to conceal it.

“I was told not to. I'm sorry, dove.” He got a guilty face and scratched his head. “But it means we became even closer! You and I both have extraordinary powers. I'll teach you how to use them.”

“I thought we were close enough already. Thanks, I guess.” You looked at the Vision again and decided to hide it in the same spot with the diary. 

You had no idea on how to use it and why you needed it, but at the same time it gave you a hope – if Celestia counted you as worthy, then your future was determined to be interesting and wasn't bonded with this gloomy village.

One day was left until the set date. You thought parents would prepare some kind of celebration or a farewell dinner, but nothing was done. Everyone took it as a natural part of his life, as if nothing had to happen. You were puzzled, until you realized: for them Ajax's enlistment in the Fatui was a shame. Instead of saying proper goodbye to Ajax and spending time with him, father brought his friend, Pavel Korneevich, into the house and introduced him as your groom to everyone.

You could swear: you physically sensed the immediate tension and confusion coming from Ajax. Your opinion wasn't welcomed, so you stayed silent, afraid to stand up for yourself. You weren't just shocked – you were scared to death. All your dreams for a happier life were about to be broken with a marriage.

It was scandalous: Pavel Korneevich was old enough to be your father. You were indecently younger, yet it didn't stop father from bringing this man into his own house. With this gesture he showed how little respect for you he had had, and the scanty amount of good things he had ever done to you was immediately forgotten by you. That grain of love you had for him was destroyed and turned into pure hatred. But Pavel Korneevich… How could he even think about marrying you? He was out of his mind, if he thought of you as a suitable wife for himself. 

“Is this some kind of a cruel joke?” Ajax's aura gave you shivers. His tone was serious, yet soft and sickly sweet, while his slightly narrowed eyes were fixed on the guest and father. “Don't you dare to put a ring on her while I'm out. I want to see my dear sister walking down the aisle with my own eyes.”

Ajax's words didn't make sense and you hoped that he said it only to win time. Ajax stood behind your back and put his heavy hand on your shoulder, that almost broke at the weight and a tight squeeze that he gave you. You portrayed a labored, trembling smile.

“Of course,” Pavel Korneevich nodded. “We need no rush in such things.”

“Sure,” Father grunted, munching on his wrinkled dry lips. “You are free to go. We have business to discuss.” Then he looked at you and, without calling your name, addressed you. “Pasha will talk to you later.”

On numb legs you made it to your room, Ajax following you like a shadow. As soon as you entered the private area, you cried out and fell on your knees, helpless and miserable. All he could do was hold you in his arms and remain silent. 

A familiar shadow appeared in front of Ajax, waiting for instructions. Ugly, ridiculously slim and tall, the demon in the shape of a man with a pig's nose was looking right into Ajax's soul. A second shadow, small and stout, showed up right near the first one: the same pig nose, but also small sly eyes. It was too late to pray, so Ajax made an order – to ruin the wedding and kill Pavel Korneevich, but his death should seem natural. By sinister smiles that bloomed on twisted faces and revealed sharp, abnormal teeth, Ajax figured out that the order was taken. They disappeared to prepare their nasty trap.

“Worry not, dove,” Ajax nuzzled his nose into the crook of your neck. “I'll take care of it. Your brother will never leave you. I'll always be here to help you.”

On the contrary, Ajax's words made you feel even worse than you did before: dragged away from his home, he would think about you without the opportunity to communicate with you properly. You wanted to disappear, to dissolve, to stop existing in a physical way only to escape from this agony. If not Pavel Korneevich, then somebody else would be chosen as your groom. Parents wouldn't miss an opportunity to get rid of you. What could you do? 

“Take me with you!” You clutched at the collar of his shirt, your gaze crazy behind the clumped lashes and redness of the eyes. “Take me with you, or I will run away!”

Ajax hardly endured your emotional breakdown. Your broken voice and hysterical ideas were impossible to listen to; at this point he wished for the night to come sooner and take him from this cursed house – he didn't tell you that Fatui would take him in the night to avoid unwanted attention. Ajax stayed until you cried yourself to sleep. The last day with you was meant to be tragic, for his own regret. When the clock struck midnight, Fatui appeared in the yard, waiting for him. Mother gave Ajax a heartless kiss at his cheek, and father remained uninvolved. Ajax left without looking back not to torture his soul. For the first time of his life he found calmness. 

The gate grated, soldiers in heavy boots left, leaving deep footprints on the snow; a small lamp went out inside the house. The moon was unusually bright, its agily light oozed into the house through every crack. Your room was filled with moonlight, making it as bright as day. In your dreamless sleep you heard someone calling your name, and your body, hit by impulses, stood up on its own, pursuing the voice; step by step you made it to the front door.

The door opened on itself and closed, when you walked out. Your bare feet touched the snow; it melted from your heat. A bigger celestial body closed the Moon, causing the eclipse and hiding all the blissful light that Illuminated you. You felt like falling: the horrifying hungry maw of abyss opened under your feet, swallowing you into the darkness and covering your body with snow. You opened your eyes and saw nothing. You landed on the stone floor, all your body responded with pain. 

It was a big room with just one chair and a burning fireplace. Cold walls of unknown color were hidden in the dark, as well as other spaces of the room. You heard steps and a woman appeared in front of you. She had long white hair and manic crimson eyes. Her expressionless face scared you.

“This must be a joke.” She smiled to herself. “How could a worm like you deserve the Forgotten God's blessing? This is ridiculous.” She turned back on her heels. The cape on her bony shoulders followed her moves, and you noticed dozens of death masks that froze in scream on the hemline. 

“Where am I?!” Your voice broke on scream. It couldn't be that the nightmare from your grandmother's shack found you in Morepesok.

The woman sighed irritably. “He had one job – yet he failed. You are in the Abyss. The power you stole from your brother brought you there.”

“I want to go back.” You stated. Unusual hardness in your voice made the woman laugh. “This ain't funny! I'm tired of these devilish tricks I'm being involved in! I swear this time I'll fight you instead of running away!”

“Then fight.”

At an impossible speed she made an attack that struck you into your shoulder and made you fly to the nearest wall. You couldn't breath at the pain you felt – it seemed like your clavicle, scapula and ribs were crumbled into tiniest pieces. You were opening and closing your mouth with no sound, just like a fish that was taken out of water and left to die on the surface. It was a pure shock that paralyzed you and concentrated your brain on the inhuman pain. 

The woman sat in the chair and looked at the fireplace, as she immediately lost her interest in you. You didn't know how much time had passed since you were left to suffer, but it felt like decades to you before you were able to stand up. 

“You possess great power, yet I bet you know nothing about it. That's why you should think before stealing.” She spoke, watching the fire. “I heard a prophecy about brother and sister, who would free us from the shadows we were trapped in and restore the ancient order. It doesn't matter anymore – deep inside I stayed skeptical, and it proved that all prophecies are lies. Look at your right hand.”

You did as she said and staggered. One of your wrists was abnormal: your fingers, palm and veins got black, traces of the same color ascended until your elbow. 

“I'll teach you the concept of ritual – that's the starting point of your journey. Then, you will be on your own.” She let out a short chuckle, full of sadistic anticipation.

[fracturediron]

Something I do like about the character writing for DFF is that 1) The characters really do feel like messy teenagers 2) The characters do shitty things, hurt each other or do harmful things to themselves that - frustrating and painful as it is to watch - make sense for the character and their circumstances. The characters don't often make the smart or best decision, but for the most part, it makes sense in context.

Tw for discussion of sexual abuse

Like am I mentally yelling at Non to forget about the movie, ditch these shitty 'friends', be honest with Phee, report Kru Keng and to move to Phee's school? Yes, I am. Do I understand why he doesn't do any of those things? Yes, I do.

He's a teenager who's mentally ill, isolated, with low self esteem and coming from a place of poverty.

As a kid, I was also part of a group of 'friends' who were actually bullies. Although things never went nearly as far as they do in DFF, I can get where Non's coming from. When you're that desperate for acceptance and to be a part of a group (however shitty it may be), and when perhaps they're not even always shitty, just enough so to make you consider staying around, you'll stay around in the hope things get better.

Non's family are poor - to the point of taking out loans for New - and he's already brought trouble to their door due to the money laundering scheme, as well as to his parents' relationship. In contrast to New - who's implied to be the golden child - Non likely feels like he's brought nothing but trouble and misery to his family.

As someone who's mentally ill and on medication, I wouldn't be surprised if he felt ashamed of his mental illness as well, and felt like that already made him a 'burden' to his family. Disclaimer that I don't know how mental illness is treated in Thailand specifically, but as someone from an East/Southeast Asian background, I do feel like in general, mental illness is something that still has a more of a stigma to it in Asia than it does in the West (not that there isn't stigma here too). Like, I would never tell my mum I'm in therapy because I feel like she wouldn't truly understand, and might even blame herself for me going. From her point of view, only 'crazy' people, someone with something seriously wrong with them or someone suffering from severely traumatic event would go to therapy.

When Non got taken in by the police, Phee talked to his dad to get him released, putting himself in potential trouble with his dad and potential future trouble with the police if this comes under any further scrutiny.

Non says time and time again he doesn't want to be a burden to anyone, and he already feels like he's been a burden to his family and Phee. He knows his family can't afford the debt, and he doesn't want to trouble Phee further. So when Kru Keng offers him money in exchange for sex, even though he knows what Kru Keng's doing is wrong, even though he doesn't want to lie and 'cheat' on Phee (and don't tell me it's 'cheating'; again, this is an adult in a position of power grooming a vulnerable youngster), he believes he'd be bringing his troubles to his loved ones and doesn't want to be even more of a 'burden.' So he has sex with Kru Keng.

And then Phee's reaction to finding out. Does he react badly and then say something really awful to Non by telling him to get lost and die? Yes. Do I understand why he reacted like that? Yes! Again, he's a teenager, and probably one in his first serious relationship, and reacting out of anger and hurt, without full details of the situation or understanding of why what Kru Keng's doing is incredibly wrong (even if Non seems to be 'consenting').

Unfortunately, in cases of real life teacher-student grooming, it's not uncommon for the reaction of students (especially teenagers) to not be one of 'oh, that's fucked up, the teacher's a monster, poor student [x]' but for the victim to be ridiculed or slut-shamed by some quarters, especially if it's seen as 'consensual.'

Jin's reaction too. Is it shitty he videoed Non and then (almost?) posted it on social media? Yes. Is it because of him taking that video that it somehow got disseminated to the rest of the school? Yes. Do I understand why he reacted this way? Yes. People are messy and human, and doesn't always react in the best ways in the face of hurt, anger and immaturity

[laidee-flegman]

Trauma journaling prompts

I love journaling through my trauma, it's a great way to help with the bad thoughts, so I thought I'd share a few I'd made 😊

Write a Letter to Your Younger Self: Address your younger self who experienced the trauma. Offer comfort, understanding, and support.

The Event: Describe the traumatic event as vividly or vaguely as you feel comfortable. What happened, where were you, and who was involved?

Emotional Expression: How do you feel when you think about the traumatic event? Explore your emotions and their intensity.

Physical Sensations: Reflect on any physical sensations or bodily reactions you experienced during or after the trauma.

Coping Mechanisms: What coping mechanisms did you use to survive or deal with the trauma? Were they helpful or harmful?

Impact on Relationships: How has the trauma affected your relationships with others? Consider family, friends, and romantic partners.

Triggers: Identify specific triggers that remind you of the trauma. How do you react when exposed to these triggers?

Loss and Grief: Explore any losses or feelings of grief associated with the trauma. What have you lost as a result of it?

Survivor Guilt: If applicable, discuss any feelings of survivor guilt and how they manifest in your life.

Self-Blame and Shame: Reflect on any self-blame or shame you might carry related to the trauma. Where do these feelings come from?

Healing and Recovery: Describe any steps you've taken or want to take on your journey of healing and recovery.

Support System: Who has been a source of support for you during your healing process? How have they helped you?

Positive Coping Strategies: List healthy coping strategies you've discovered or want to explore to manage the aftermath of trauma.

Resilience: Write about moments of resilience and strength you've demonstrated in the face of trauma.

Self-Compassion: Practice self-compassion by writing a kind and supportive message to yourself as a survivor.

Safety and Boundaries: Discuss the importance of safety and setting boundaries in your life after the trauma.

Meaning-Making: Explore whether you've been able to find any meaning or lessons from the traumatic experience.

PTSD Symptoms: If applicable, list and describe any symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) you've experienced.

Flashbacks and Nightmares: Describe any flashbacks or nightmares you've had related to the trauma.

Triggers and Coping: Share strategies you use to cope with triggers and manage anxiety or panic attacks.

Professional Help: Have you sought therapy or counseling for trauma? Reflect on your experiences with therapy.

Future Goals: Discuss your goals for the future in terms of healing, personal growth, and well-being.

Resilience and Growth: Write about the potential for post-traumatic growth and how you envision a more resilient future.

Forgiveness: Explore the idea of forgiveness, whether it's forgiving others involved in the trauma or forgiving yourself.

Self-Care and Self-Love: Describe self-care practices and self-love rituals that nurture your emotional well-being.

[glitterdustcyclops]

i feel complicated feelings about the james somerton thing

tw for suicide/self harm

not to make it All About Me, but as someone who participated in the grand Dunkathon I & II & III about james, in my own small way, i don't feel great about the (potential) suicide note he posted, and i tried not to talk about it because again, not even remotely about me, but i can't get it out of my head

so permit me a moment to vent my spleen out:

many things can be true here at once, i am far from the first person to point that out. hbomb and todd intheshadows and jessie and all the other queer women who called him out are emphatically not responsible for james' actions in response to being called to account for the demonstrable harm he did to the queer community, and anyone saying so is an opportunistic grifter or a rightwing troll

HOWEVER, while i think the initial wave of critique was mostly responsible, there is no doubt that because of social media and The Algorithms it inevitably turned into the normal dogpile car crash atrocity we've seen time and again. and while i don't necessarily blame anyone who was affected and hurt and needed a place to discuss the harm james caused our community, i also don't like how a lot of the worst kind of content mill youtubers milked it for endless drama updates and people are now, at this moment, making jokes to clown on someone's potential suicide

it is an absolute tragedy any time any one takes their life, and i feel deep empathy for any human being so backed into a corner they can't imagine a future for themself. i hope endlessly that is not the case here, and that james will be okay, and can find a path forward to heal and to also make real, meaningful steps to repair the harm he caused.

HOWEVER, the man is also a confirmed, admitted, unrepentant liar and fraudster, and threatening suicide or self-harm in retaliation for when you've been caught doing bad shit is, in fact, the tactic of an abuser. i don't blame anyone who is finding it hard to locate any wells of empathy for this dude, or who isn't believing james at all.

and while i want to say that my own personal part in this is negligible at best, i still feel icky that my posts reacting to his second apology have gotten the attention that they did. and like, no, i don't think i caused james to kill himself. i don't think anyone has that power. but i also don't like how the modern internet encourages us to participate in the constant dehumanization of each other, even when we do demonstrably fucked up awful shit. i don't like that anyone can be financially incentivized to keep doing this, and i think that's one of the things hbomb was very rightfully concerned about.

gah. just. the whole thing's a shitty complicated mess.

i'll end this by saying that if you are feeling any type of way about the current events that i completely understand that, and i am sending you all the kindness and warmth it's possible to send to another human through these interwebs. and if this has stirred up some trauma for you, please don't hesitate to reach out for help. suicide doesn't have to be the end of the story for anyone, and i want all of us to find a way to make this community better. and we need you to do that. you are important, never forget that.

okay, i love you. bye.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello. 21 y/o infj here. I have a problem with a very mentally unwell intp. He comes to me to seek comfort and advice and i do my best to help him, but it seems that he now has feelings for me and this complicates things. I do not reciprocate these feelings and Im now worried that i may have unintentionally lead him on by trying to help. He doesn’t trust many people to be emotionally vulnerable around them and he relies on me a great deal for emotional support.

He has not outright confessed to me in a way that would give me the opportunity to clearly express my feelings and reject him, but he does often make comments that make it clear he sees me as more than a friend. He is very fragile and has a lot of self loathing, im afraid to say anything that will reinforce any negative ideas he has about himself being unworthy of love. How do i go about setting clear boundaries without hurting him more?

---------------------

For INFJ, the topic of boundaries often involves a reminder that you also matter. If someone truly cares about you, they wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable in the relationship, and they should be open to hearing about your needs. Generally speaking, you're only responsible for someone else's well-being up to a certain point, in terms of you being an ethical person and not intentionally doing harm. After that point, the other person is responsible for taking care of their own feelings. However, the line is not always as clear cut when there is a mental health problem in the mix.

The question is: Is it unethical to discuss a topic that will undoubtedly be upsetting to the other person? I would argue that if the discussion is necessary for the health or development of the relationship, then it isn't unethical. Also, if a topic is upsetting but necessary to discuss for the sake of someone's future well-being, it would be unethical to remain silent. For example, leading someone on, even if unwittingly, has the potential to be harmful to them the longer it goes on, so it is a situation that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.

The reality of life is that it's sometimes necessary to endure pain and discomfort in order to make progress or achieve a goal. This is why some people in close relationships fight like cats and dogs and still manage to come out stronger on the other side. Also, keep in mind that shielding someone from pain might actually be robbing them of an opportunity to learn how to handle it better. People generally react worse the longer you keep them in the dark.

Many people fear conflict because they fear negative feelings and emotions getting out of control, a situation which increases the potential for harm. For example, an argument can quickly escalate into a shouting match and hurtful attacks. However, it's important to remember that negative feelings and emotions are not bad in themselves - one should not fear their mere existence. It is people's inability to handle them that is the real issue at hand (i.e. emotional intelligence).

You're questioning the degree to which he is able to handle negative feelings and emotions. When you have good reason to believe that someone's psychology is very fragile, meaning they can't handle a lot of stress or negativity, then it's best to proceed as sensitively and tactfully as you can. However, this shouldn't stop you from being truthful. Being a good communicator involves being able to brainstorm many ways of saying something without being too blunt or insensitive.

Different people have different communication preferences. For example, I prefer direct communication, which is not everyone's cup of tea. I dislike drawn out conflicts, so I would kindly ask someone if they had feelings for me when I picked up on hints. If they denied it, that would be the end of it, because I have to trust the word of a friend. If they admitted their feelings:

I would apologize if I had unwittingly sent the wrong signals.

I would try to let them down as gently as possible by providing plenty of reassurances and guarantees that their feelings haven't changed my desire to be friends with them.

I would make it clear that my only motive for bringing it up is that I'm a person who always wants to know the truth.

I would continue the discussion until we both felt closure.

I would try my best to keep the situation as easy and light as possible so that no one walks away feeling insecure or anxious.

Things might still be a bit awkward for awhile but I'd sit with it and provide reassurances as needed until things returned to normal. I'm able to use this approach because I don't fear negative feelings and I'm confident of being able to work through them and help others do so as well.

Generally speaking, Ts prefer to communicate straightforwardly, in a matter-of-fact way, because they're not always great at reading between the lines. In his case, there is a complicating factor of low self-esteem. You can't control his self-esteem; it's something he needs to heal on his own. The best you can do is try to reassure him that he is very worthy of love; it's just that you aren't the right person. It's nobody's fault and it isn't a statement on anyone's worth. Also, reassure him that you're more than willing to continue being his friend and confidant as needed. Nothing has to change.

If you believe that discussing it openly isn't feasible for whatever reason, you can take a more subtle approach of dropping hints that indicate your lack of interest. You could talk about not being interested in dating, being interested in someone else, etc. Or you can communicate abstractly about how you are generally helpful to many people and that it doesn't mean you have romantic feelings.

Some situations indeed call for subtlety, however, don't forget that every communication style has its pros and cons. The pros of a direct approach include being able to resolve the situation quickly for everyone's sake, but you run the risk of provoking strong negative reactions in the process. The pros of a subtle approach include being able to avoid intense confrontation, but it comes at a cost of effectiveness, as it's more difficult to get the message across and there is more potential for misunderstanding.

Remember that there's no way to communicate "perfectly". Whatever style of communication you prefer, you always have to be flexible and adaptable to what's happening in the moment. No matter how great a communicator you are, things can always go awry. But mistakes don't matter as long as you can recover from them. And the best way to recover is to always strive to communicate from a place of kindness, care, and compassion that keeps everyone feeling at ease.

[nothing0fnothing]

Busting some misconceptions about narcissistic abuse because I can.

"Narcissistic abuse is no different from any other type of abuse."

Wrong. Narcissistic abuse can take the form of any other type of abuse, but the purpose for it and therefore the way it is perpetrated is very different.

"Narcissistic abuse is abuse perpetrated by a person with Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)"

Incorrect. Anybody can perpetrate narcissistic abuse and there is no evidence to suggest people with NPD are more likely to be abusers than any other.

"Narcissism and NPD are the same thing."

False. Narcissism is a personality type defined by being self centered or vain to a fault. NPD is a personality disorder diagnosed by medical professionals and can be expressed in over 100 different ways.

People who are narcissistic can recover and change the fact that they're narcissistic. People diagnosed with NPD can recover, but cannot change the fact that they have NPD.

"There is no definition of narcissistic abuse."

True and false. While every expert who discusses narcissistic abuse may use different terminology to define it, the common theme is that the person perpetrating feels joy or satisfaction in harming, scaring or controlling their victim.

On my blog I define narcissistic abuse as "abuse perpetrated for the purpose of satisfying narcissistic delusion.

"People with NPD are narcissists."

Maybe, but mostly no. Some people who are diagnosed with NPD like to self identify as "narcissists" as a shorthand for their disorder. This is not the name of the disorder and you shouldn't refer to people with NPD as "Narcissists" as it's not an accurate or particularly universal term.

Some people who are not diagnosed with NPD like to self identify as narcissists to describe their personality type. It's important to distinguish between "narcissists" and "narcissistic abusers." A narcissistic abuser is not the same thing as a narcissist.

"Narcissism is the mental illness that causes abuse."

Untrue. No accredited mental health body today recognises narcissism as a mental health disorder and no practising mental health professional in good standing will say that there is a psychological disorder that causes abuse.

Perpetrating narcissistic abuse is a choice made by abusers, completely seperate from trauma or mental illness or their lived experience.

"People with NPD are offended by the term 'narcissistic abuse' so we should stop using it."

Recently people who identify as narcissists have taken umbrage against the term 'narcissistic abuse.' The reasons varying from an argument that the term 'narcissist' can never be separated from the disorder NPD, to the argument that people using the term are armchair diagnosing their abusers with NPD and further stigmatising the disorder.

The truth is the term 'narcissist' has been seperate from the disorder NPD since the disorder was first recognised in the DSM in 1980, and the solution to people using the terms "narcissist" and NPD interchangeably is to educate them, not ban the use of terminology that might potentially be misused altogether.

"If you can spot a narcissist you can evade abuse."

This is unfortunately false. Lots of online articles can promise you "10 ways to spot a narcissist" but usually all they're teaching you to do is to be wary of neurodivergent people. The truth is the only real way to evade abuse is to spot red flags for future abusive behaviour and know to get out before the abuse starts.

"There is no evidence that narcissistic abuse is real."

Aside from the stories of survivors of abuse and their families, or the loved ones of those who sadly didn't survive their abuser, all sharing commonalities in what happened to them, narcissistic abuse is well documented.

Therapists specialising in abuse recovery recognise narcissistic abuse and treat survivors of narcissistic abuse every day. Mental health educators discuss the psychology of the narcissistic abuser and the narcissistic abuse survivor in their dissertations or thesis papers and professionals study those papers to write resources like books and guides for those recovering from narcissistic abuse.

Narcissistic abuse is well documented and the general consensus in the psychology world is that it is real.

Feel free to drop any questions into my asks and I'll be happy to answer.

[kawaakari-orchestra]

Pinned post ✨

Hello! This is Jay, and I've decided to make a separate blog for my fan proseka unit, Kawaakari Orchestra of KWKO for short. The reason for this is mostly my brain demanding for organisation, but also the reaction to them was incredible and I definitely want to talk about them more.

KWKO introductory post is here! More info under the cut.

What this blog will post:

- Area Conversations

- Self-introsuctions

- Welcome lines [probably]

- Memes

- Other curious tidbits of information

What this blog will post sometime in the future:

- Birthday/Anniversary Menu lines

- Seasonal/Holiday Menu lines

- Event summaries

- Card story summaries

- KWKO Kizunas

What this blog will not post:

- Full events [link only]

- Full card side stories [link only]

- Any song associations/headcanons (unless I suddenly learn to produce songs)

Please note that this blog will sometimes post content touching on or discussing several potentially upsetting or triggering topics, including the following:

- Child Abuse;

- Bullying;

- Mild violence and injuries, including discussions of eye injury;

- Suicidal ideation, including suicidal behaviour and past suicide attempts;

- Self-harm;

- Eating disorders;

- Substance abuse;

- Near death experiences;

- Chronic Illness, Medical Trauma and internalised, as well as external, ableism.

The aforementioned topics are unlikely to be portrayed in detailed or particularly descriptive manner. Nevertheless, reader discretion is advised.

All of the aforementioned topics will be tagged. The standard format for tagging will be [tw: "insert trigger"], as well as other formats to insure maximum coverage. The topics listed above will also be tagged at the beginning of each card story/event episode/etc when that time comes around.

Please contact me either on this blog or @shiraishi-kanade if you need additional trigger warnings.

Character symbols!

Saitsu Maki - 🦋

Kozaki Karin - 🦊

Shimizu Kairi - 🐚

Ekuro Suzuka - 🪁

Kaedehara Akari - 🍁

Fujisaki Reishi - 🌸

How can I interact with this blog?

- I will answer any asks to the best of my ability, unless the question is an explicit spoiler that will be answered later in the story!

- You can also submit an ask directed to a character (using their assigned emoji), and they will also answer to the best of their ability; however, you have to keep in mind that they would perceive you as a fan/viewer and can avoid your question or answer dishonestly.

- You can also send me your assumptions/theories/otherwise thoughts on plot development or future events; however, those will not be answered. You can specify if you want them posted or not and if yes I will answer with ✨ to say that I see and appreciate your thoughts but am unable to answer in a meaningful way due to inherently spoiler-y nature of the interaction.

- Feel free to send just about any questions, artwork (oh my god??), headcanons, memes, what have you. I greatly appreciate literally everything. Keep in mind that all KWKO characters are minors.

Main story/events when?

- Somewhere after I've done with my finals this year! I don't have the brain capacity to juggle this many things at once.

[ post dividers by @/cafekitsune! ]

[bioethicists]

the fourth psych abolition chat has concluded! our next chat will be on monday, july 29th at 9pm est | 1am utc. the link is here + the password, if it asks for one, is “frogs” (i think the link is autofilling the password).

here are some things we chatted about:

"trauma-informed care", its being co-opted, whether an institution can be "trauma-informed" when it continues to utilize threats of incarceration

the victim/perpetrator dichotomy + how that is weaponized against psychiatric survivors

strip searches as a 'permissible' form of SA within institutions

nursing homes as other sites of abuse + the idea of "deserving" vs "undeserving" victims of institutional abuse

"unchilding" through early incarceration, suggested work: Incarcerated Childhood and the Politics of Unchilding by Nadera Shalhoub-Kevorkian

long COVID, ME/CFS, ableism/saneism within the medical system in dismissing chronic illness as indicative of emotional instability

"person-first" language + objectification, denial of autonomy or reinforcing stigma through attempts to make language more 'progressive'

the importance of looking at palestine + gaza + the role that psychiatry plays in legitimizing the genocide

here are some works/resources we brainstormed creating:

continuing to work on ideas for the survival guide for institutionalization, as well as potentially a pamphlet on how to talk to mandated reporters

a book chat about Campaign for Psych Abolition's zine Psychiatry's Role in the Occupation of Palestine

theme for August meetings (dates coming soon): collaborative work on creating the guide for surviving institutionalization

possible themes for upcoming Zooms: harm reduction for ED/self harm, alternatives to psychiatry (futures, structures that have already been created), creating content for people who have just left institutions, encouraging liberation frameworks in psychiatric abolition/harm reduction spaces

as a reminder, ppl can also join the madness + liberation forum to discuss these things by filling out the google form here. all forum applications i’ve received should have been pushed through, so if you filled it out + didn’t receive a response, that means i missed you somehow + you should dm me or fill it out again.

img source

[sang8262]

in a yapping mood, and i cant draw well, so here's some *gasp*, self insert-OC related ramblings?!?!?

the elevator pitch summary is:

A fledgling author and researcher who becomes unwittingly enthralled in JP's schemes after visiting Nayshall for a thesis project.

Forced to work for his NGO (and later Neo Shadaloo) as an advisor after showing promise with Psycho Power.

Wrestles with doing the right thing and opposing JP's influence, yet unable to abandon her deeper emotions towards him.

...with more deets below-

I don't even have a proper name for her yet, since I'm bad with that lmao. But I guess as a sorta self insert, they could be Millon.. for now?? Eh I'll figure it out later.

---

The impetus and circumstance for which she meets JP is that,

she's researching Nayshall's rapid devlopment, and the public health problems its facing as a nascent country. Particularly, how the visitors and participants of the Suval'Hal Martial Arts Tournament (SMAT) have access to the best doctors and emergency aid available... yet the greater local population lacking reliable access to affordable health care.

She has the chance to interview and speak with tournament organizer, Johann Petrovich, about the SMAT and current issues. She surprisingly finds him agreeable, polite, and level-headed. Realizing he has a lot of power as the country's policy advisor, she tries to convince him towards implementing healthcare policies that would allocate more resources for those who need it.

Her mistake is trusting JP as someone willing to aid the suffering, someone who wants things to be better for everyone. Once she does though, it's far too late to rid of his clutches on her.

---

I'm imagining she initially is on good terms with him. She respects his investment into developing the country, and even finds his NGO, Terra Network Partners (TNP) potentially a place to work at. Of course, this is before realizing the money laundering and his connections with Shadaloo.

I can see JP convincing her into relying on him and being complicit in his schemes by offering her a stable position within his NGO. Or funding her research and writing. Having the support and endorsement of someone his calibur would be a huge boon to her academic career afterall...

Then, maybe it's either from her own prying, or after a not-so-chance meeting with Kalima and the resistance, but she eventually realizes the kind of person JP is.

By then though, she's far too entangled with JP and his organization to cut ties and escape. In fact, she realizes that her discussions with him have been helping him make more predatory decisions.

---

In a heated revelation of the truth, he might use Psycho Power to fully subdue her: mostly with expectations that she'd not survive it, silencing any incriminating publication about him in the future. And because even if she didn't die, she would now be dependant on him as a mentor, to continue surviving the awful power forced upon her.

Turns out she has a lot of disdain and despair, enough to fuel and sustain Psycho Power. He's not fully interested in helping her per se, but decides she will do less potential harm if kept close under his watch. And so she struggles now, to find a way to escape Shadaloo and quell her bloodlust. But it's not an easy influence to overcome...

---

I mean, it's a self SHIP afterall, so I'm having it be like a development of:

-wow this guy is GREAT, i respect him a lot! he's so kind! we could work together to do a lot of good things :)

-wow nevermind, this guy SUCKS, i have to escape/ stop him!! >:(

-Psycho Power makes it very difficult to think clearly and all my worst emotions are amplified a ton! i am also forced to learn under JP, and work for him, and woah did he always look so handsome :0

Then throw in a healthy amount of manipulation and sweet talking on JP's behalf and poor self insert OC is doomed to tragedy.

---

Design wise, I have no idea!!!! I guess I would make them The Cooler Me, but right now I got nothing. I'll come back to it lmao

[void-speaks]

Bouncing ideas back with Pixelsss (btw feel free to tag me if you want I don't mind)

I FULLY AGREE with the theory that the previous chief doctor is the Ominous Voice and the fact that he didn't resign willingly that was literally like the first thing I thought.

Okay, I saw someone on like... Steam discussion? Who pointed out that the statue is actually Hippocrates (I actually don't remember the name they said but I googled it) and the oaths specifically for physicians are attributed to him. It would make sense why the Voice (I am NOT even gonna try to spell his name without reference) says he is a blind judge, and that WE need to be his witness. Because we are present in the moment, we can see the wrongdoings of the perpetrators and attribute each broken oath to each member of the staff. I feel like it's also worth mentioning that Friedrich says "there he is again" which could be just a reference about how many of those statues are around the Klinikum, but also maybe not?

NOW ABOUT THE PLAYER THEORY

The reason why I LOVE the theory that we are Joey (younger version of Joseph) is because:

1. In my opinion, it adds depth and sympathy for Joseph's character. Look at his younger self, so curious, so impressionable, so willing to help. And here he is now, so corrupt and so fueld by his own wrath.

2. I ADORE the theme of witnessing the corruption of your future self, coming face to face with the monstrosity that you've become. Joey doesn't necessarily realize this, but we do. And it's so AAUUAHAUAHA7AGAUAGAUAGAYAGAYAGAGAYAGAYAYAY

Of course, this theory is not perfect at all. Specifically in how that would work with the loophole and where it all started (I have a similar problem in Little Nightmares 2 because it's near impossible to pinpoint where the timeloop starts). The thing about Joseph not recognizing Joey I addressed in my previous post, but the reason why Joey wouldn't recognize himself in Joseph is because... well, I dunno, he just wouldn't? I wouldn't be able to recognize my future self either tbf. Hm, let's assume that Joey is somewhere in the ages of 21-22 like I initially did... so that would make at least a 9 year difference. And they do say that power changes people.

And this is where I'm going to yap about Joey and Joseph.

While Joseph is still a massive asshole and an abuser, but Joey isn't... look at him, he is so curious about everything, he comments on random things he may find interesting and pokes his nose into every corner of the Klinikum (based on my own recent playthrough of doing exactly that). He's so eager to help, seasoning the soup for the birthday guy, finding Dokhu's plushie and giving him a little crown as a birthday present, agreeing to help nurse Helene not because he exactly needs something from her, but just because of how relentlessly she's working to the point of neglecting everything else. How he feels sympathetic for Astrid and even for Wolfram (who does not deserve his sympathy that mf just tripped he can handle it). And yet... his older self is so egocentric, so ignorant and willing to harm others. So what exactly happened?

I think that it's because Joey later on felt unappreciated, ostracized and ignored. He was young, he recently moved to a new country and he's just fresh out of university. He has ideas that have potential, but no one is listening. So he becomes angry. He fights his way to the top, first making Friedrich resign, then beating everyone else to the spot and doing his best to charm the other staff so he'd be accepted. So of course, when he fought so hard to get to where he is, when someone starts to question him and tell him how wrong he is, it triggers a fight or flight response, and Joseph is used to fighting by now. Is he still more than old enough to understand the gravity of his actions and how badly he is hurting people not only physically but emotionally and mentally? Absolutely. Should he have prioritized the feelings of his staff, the other people he had to step over, his patience? Absolutely, he has the ability to, we've seen how sympathetic he can be. And yet he is so blinded by his wrath at the rejection he faced early on, that all of that goes forgotten. The way he says everything, how no one dies at the Klinikum, how the dental clinic is something the medical community should thank him for, how Astrid's paper criticizing his research is thrown away in the trashyard... it all screams of someone who is still seeking praise and validation which he didn't get before, but this time not using the knowledge he genuinely has, not using his kindness and compassion and ability to work with people, but instead using vile means that will secure his position and the things he desires. He found many, many loopholes to exploit in the system and he took that opportunity (ha, get it?) to get what he wanted, no matter how much harm he will bring and to whom.

So poor Joey ends up as the subject of that loophole. He has to face first hand how much destruction and abuse his older self brought onto the Klinikum. Just how many times has he been harmed to the point of death but has woken up again and again just to suffer more? And it doesn't matter who you are, patient, just a trainee or an employee. Unless you're willing to exploit and abuse others, you have no chance in this system. Wolfram looks completely normal at first, because he was already an abuser, his later forms only reflect how ugly he is inside. Randolph himself looks completely normal at first, but later on he is distorted worse of them all.

Anne is constantly getting shocked and will pass out if the system is shut down, yet smiles sadistically when she puts another, someone lower in power than her through the same treatment.

Sabine has the wounds from the torturous device that she uses on someone who is, again, lower in power than her, yet still puts it on them because she can't face the fact that doctor Randolph is a corrupt man. She gets salty when you don't follow her, but no matter how many times you try to run away, she doesn't attack you. She says that you're holding up well, that you did well and so on and so forth, because she just hasn't realized that this is abuse that she is going through and putting another through.

There is Hauser who saw what was happening, who knew about all the wrongs of the staff of the Klinikum but chose to cower and hide away in the attic, pretending to be ignorant, ignoring the cries of those who were suffering in favor of saving his own skin.

Wolfram took advantage of the poor patients, people who were supposed to be under his care, and when confronted with his crimes, he realized that nobody really cared. No one took the patients seriously aside from the pesky strict nurse who'd probably filed complaints against him. So, realizing that his deeds went unpunished he simply continued doing what he did for his own twisted pleasure and desire to control and exploit those below him.

Sauer was responsible for the food of the patients, arguably one of the most important things that contributes to a person's health, yet he still choose to be sloppy with it, causing more harm than good. Forced to boil alive in a pot, he still doesn't get anything, and continues being a bitch to patients and serving them food which will only make things worse just because of how bitter he is that such a "tiny mistake" led to this much suffering on his end.

And Randolph himself. Blinded by his own feelings, he neglects and ignores the feelings of those around him, only caring about his own success, only caring about validation and being noticed, proving everyone who doubted him wrong. And at the end, he is forced to face not only his own trauma, but the trauma he repeatedly put other through, distorting him into the horrible monstrosity that he became on the inside.

Astrid cared about her patients, but she also cared too much to try and hold other staff members, other authority accountable for their mistakes and heinous actions. And what did she get in return? A horrifying fate, to put it lightly. And even STILL, even after what Joseph has done to her, she is willing to talk. She hopes to see him again, to confront him about everything, to try her best to resolve this peacefully. But alas.

(Her phrase "You are not Joseph" would also be an incredible play on my interpretation/au? because yes, Joey isn't Joseph, he's not the monster that he may or may not grow up to be.)

Helene cares about her patients way more than about anything else, she just wants to make sure that they're if not healthy than at least comfortable with the little conditions she has to work with, and therefore, because she isn't that much of a threat, she's left as she is.

I completely forgot what was even the point of all of that while writing LMAO

Oh yes, maybe the moment Joey ends up in the Klinikum was the exact moment when he already began heading down the wrong path (based on how sarcastic he acts sometimes and how willing he is to disobey whose higher in power than him). So to be forced to see what his future were to look like, and not only that but to experience the harm he's would do to patients and staff first hand, it reminds him of what being a medical worker is really all about. It's not about the groundbreaking research, it's not about making a name for yourself in the medical community. And so in the end, Joey uses the same loophole that Joseph had used all this time against him, sending him down one last time, killing that abusive prick in himself.

Okay, I've rambled so much about this theory that it almost looks like I'm heavily advocating for others to subscribe to it. I'm not, I'm just on a creative roll as of later and so that's what caused me to imagine so much based on that theory and minor details. There's still the stuff I mentioned earlier that wouldn't make this theory work with Joseph and Joey not recognizing one another, and with the wording the Voice uses in our final confrontation with Joseph, he tells us how the doctor's wrath is affecting everyone, "including you," the player. That single phrase doesn't make much sense in that theory, but at the same time, Friedrich's other phrase about "I'm not your enemy. Well, perhaps... a part of me is" WOULD make sense in this theory. He's not an enemy to Joey, but he is an enemy to and in the eyes of Joseph.

All that being said, I would actually prefer for the game not to get an expansion or dlc with explanation of this stuff, because I feel like it's much more interesting to see different interpretations built on the core idea and theme of the game, which is the abuse and mistreatment of patients.

Also, a way smaller headcanon which could apply no matter the theory you personally believe is that our player has a deep ass voice based on the... erm... grunts? From the beginning of the game where we fall from the ceiling.

Also these rambles are not going to be a frequent thing (I HOPE) because these ideas are all I've had since first watching a playthrough, later on playing the game myself and then writing a thing for the game (yes it is about the Trash Collector and Joey. No I don't wanna talk about it yet. Unless you ask really nicely :)), so once I've told all that's on my mind I will probabaly go back to lurking. This was quite frankly unnecessary and I'm not even sure about posting it in the main tag but to be fair, I think I'll do it at least for the sake of categorization.

[aroaceking]

"#god I think about this all the time#my 15 year old niece identifies as ace#and I’m like (privately)#you’re 15!#you don’t want to have sex! that’s fine!#it’s not an identity!"

screaming forever endlessly agonizingly this upsets me viscerally

I found the label 'asexual' also sometime around 14. This helped me immensely with recognizing ways I was different from my peers and even potentially harming them. Realizing I had an experience that could be defined and also was outside of many of my friend's helped alleviate some of the panic surrounding what attraction even meant.

I literally did not think attraction was a real thing, except maybe some strange future things adults had that I never wanted to experience, before I ever had a name for it.

Some of it was trauma, some of it wasn't. I still do not experience sexual or romantic attraction.

Also!! It's not!!!! About action! It's not about if you want to have sex or not!!! For some people that's how they learn it but it's not! Fucking! About that! It's about attraction!!!!!! It's about if you're fucking attracted to people!!!

I'm so fucking tired of this shit I'm so fucking exhausted with it. You think it's weird or creepy for a child to identify as asexual but it's weirder and creepier to me that you 1) equate it with sexual activity and 2) equate a child's desire to identify with it to sexual activity!!!

And even if that was how a child was using it, okay, they can always identify away from it when they understand themselves better or feel more comfortable!!! It's okay for labels to chance, it's okay for our identities and understanding of self to shift. It's okay for them to not!

Stop! Sexualizing! Asexuality!!!! It is an orientation! It's very alienating to be a teenager and not have any crushes or understand what people are even talking about when they discuss crushes or what makes someone 'hot' or whatever fucking else and sex doesn't! Have to be a part of that even!!

[miztrixx]

Potential (and underutilized) dynamics between the Dummies and the participants in 3-1 (part 1, I may do more of these in the future)

(SPOILERS UP TO 3-1B)

The Dummies are pretty much the most underutilized part of YTTD, at least in my opinion. During the actual game, we only ever got to see their dynamics with each other, Sara or with their partners (in some cases they never really even interacted with their partner like with Anzu) Which is really sad because there are a lot of great dynamics I could see forming between certain Dummies and participants.

Kurumada and Q-Taro: We get to see a bit of their dynamic in the game, what with their banter about Q-Taro being an old-timer and stuff like that. Kurumada's scene in the Emotion Route where he tells Kanna and Q-Taro about the difference between "winning" and "not losing" is also really interesting to me, considering Q-Taro brings it up later and Kurumada's backstory. If they were paired up, I do think Kurumada would try to kill Q-Taro given his whole philosophy about first-rates and second-rates and it'd be really interesting to see how Q-Taro would handle it/forgive him like he did with Mai in the actual game.

Shin and (Fake) Hinako: These two definitely share a lot of parallels with each other, what with them having the lowest percentage rates and them both being impersonating little identity-stealers. Beyond that, I think Shin and Hinako would be a very interesting pair thematically because whereas Shin is a very emotionally-driven character, Fake Hinako is a much more logically/self-preservationally-driven one. But the interesting part is how they both come to the same conclusion: distrust. Seeing as how Hinako was paired up with Sara's biggest ally in the real game, I wonder how she would react to being paired up with Sara's worst enemy. Hell I could see Shin and Hinako teaming up and working against Sara in 3-2, if Hinako were to survive the Banquet.

Ranmaru and Kanna: This one I mostly just find a bit funny but there is some good potential to it: If Ranmaru was paired up with anyone other then Sara he would definitely try to kill him, his will to live is really strong and without a huge crush in the way, I'd say he has enough motivation to go through with it. And when he tries to kill Kanna, Kanna would of course forgive him being the little bean she is and I'd think she'd see a lot of Shin in him and try to resonate with him through a little speech, sort of how she did with Kurumada in canon.

Anzu and Keiji: Pairing up Keiji, someone who is extremely depressed, very reclusive and self-deprecative, with Anzu, someone who is always very light-hearted and tries her best to empathize/connect, would definitely be a sight for the eyes. Would it balance out? Would Anzu absorb some of Keiji's pessimistic attitude? Would Keiji lighten up for a change? When Keiji gets trapped in the coffin, I think Anzu would be just as motivated as Sara to save him if they were partners. She just can't bring herself to kill him, at all.

Mai and Gin/Kanna: I'm grouping this one together because although I think there would be differences based on whether or not it would be Gin or Kanna paired up with Mai, I'm mainly just going to focus on the quality both of them have that would impact Mai: being a kid. I think Mai would still put on her innocent bubbly persona on, maybe even acting quite motherly to Kanna/Gin, but would she actually go through with trying to kill/harm them? Maybe she would try to find some painless way to kill them or should we put her faith in the group as a whole. If they were to survive her murder attempt, Kanna would most likely just act like Q-Taro in canon whereas Gin might be way more scared of her and such.

Kanna and (Fake) Hinako: These two are often paired together as friends or as a ship and there's a lot of fan content where these two interact. But what I see basically never discussed is the thematic potential their pairing has, it's basically a mirror to the Shin and Hinako parallels I talked about earlier but inverted. Shin and Hinako have different motivations but reach the same conclusion whereas Kanna and Hinako are both quite logical characters (Kanna begs for you to choose the logical option in 2-2) and have the same viewpoints but come to differing conclusions: trust and distrust. Hinako would try to kill Kanna in my opinion because the way I see it, the only reason she didn't try to kill Keiji was because of strength and later on, sympathy. Would Kanna survive/overpower her? Who knows, but Kanna would definitely try to empathize/connect with Hinako, especially since they're around the same age.

That's it for now, but I might do more in the future!

[st-agatha-city]

I’m obsessively interested in this game, but I don’t have a PC or MacBook (u don’t even want to know how hard I tried to get it to work with shady Windows-emulator apps and sheer dumb hope 💀 ) SOO I was wondering if anyone has posted a play-through or anything? Or if there’s a wiki or smth where I can at least read the lore? Idk help I’m going insane 😭

Oh my gosh - I am so flattered!! There are no play-throughs YET (barring my own crummy demos of like... 2 different routes?), and there are infrequent streams from small creators, but I will absolutely be posting here if I or anyone else releases a Let's Play!

My YouTube can be found here! Animatics and voice actor previews are put here, as well as some AMV oddities and the like :) I haven't updated in quite some time because YouTube scares me now I've been busy with IRL stuff and programming, but I intend to update the channel in the future :)

My St. Agatha Play Through footage can be found here!

As for keeping up to date with fan content, projects, and lore -

My Toyhouse acts as an informal wiki. Many pages are under construction or contain outdated info, but will be updated overtime, especially if prompted to make any pages or characters a priority :) You can do that in my DMs, inbox, on Toyhouse, or via Discord (more on that in a second.)

If you want a Toyhouse code to join the site (as anyone can view, but only invited members can utilize it's services) for the purpose of leaving comments, saving things to your favorites, or for storing your own characters and lore - DM me here! I can get you one no problem :) I also make tutorials and answer questions on how to use the site, as it has a fairly steep learning curve, but is WELL worth the time if you have it to spend. I love it so so much now that I know how to use it.

People who are sixteen or older can join the Discord! It's invite only, but you are encouraged to message me for access! You can meet other fans, see WIPs, and ask questions to me or others in-the-know more directly :) I also do dev tests and we host live play throughs there!

⚠️ Heads up - the themes and subject matter of this game are discussed openly. This is a mature, but not adult game. There is no nudity or pornographic content, but there might be references to this as well as to gore, death, drug use, assault, and animal violence. As for other potential triggers - suggestive humor, references and cartoon depictions of violence and mild gore can be seen in art and fan art. Any art involving blood will be censored :) We do not tag self harm scars, but do tag open self harm wounds in art. That's another thing to keep in mind.

These are matters of importance or passing importance in the game, mostly in character backstory, they can be expected to be brought up in the server, and I don't advise joining if this might be a deal breaker for you

This server is also plural friendly, and hosts both pluralkit and tupperbox. The server is also pro-endo, and I will not be entertaining discourse on the matter.

I'll do some asking around to see if anyone has seen or has been considering doing a Let's Play! I've had some people bring that up to me before.

Thanks for sending in the ask!! And thank you for your interest 💌

[cinnamons1999]

UPDATE TO THIS POST (TW FOR MENTIONS OF HARD DRUGS, SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THEMES ON THAT POST)

also this post is QUITE LONG so if youre an "i aint readin all that" person (tbh me fr im just a yapper i cant listen for nothin) then maybe its best not to int w this post, cuz discussion will require you to read the entire thing for you to know what im on about.

TW FOR ( DRAWN AND MENTIONED) SH AND SADLY, MENTIONS OF ROMANTICIZATION OF SH, SUICIDE, DRUGS ETC.

ok so the prev post was about how much i realized menhera-chan was kinda like an inspiration to me, both in my art style and in the way i saw my own mental health. but honestly im way more detached from her now.

i've been clean for a good while since yk, its easier for me to distract myself from punching my own face now that i have wifey around. i honestly just dont think menhera-chan seems to encapsulate what menhera can be for me anymore, and knowing what type of person bisuko ezaki is i just don't feel comfortable knowing i used to look up to that work.

even with my recovery i still am going through therapy and potentially finding a diagnosis at the hospital, meaning i probably still have shit to work thru tho i cant predict the future

and with this i just dont relate to menhera-chan anymore, not just bcuz bisuko is a shit person but bcuz im more stereotypically masculine (obv, shes a girl in a sailor uniform what am i thinking), but bcuz even when some of the menhera-chan comic shorts seem genuine in the way they tackle self harm and mental health, but then i remember he made THIS ONE DRAWING (THIS IS NOT A CALLOUT POST. I HONESTLY JUST FEEL LIKE BRINGING THIS UP)

and apparently?? yamiko no seigi fetishizes girls who do SH, and even when im not a girl it all just feels less genuine bcuz of this. how u sexualizing SH yet still have comic shorts abt how you shouldnt upload your self harm scars bcuz ppl who romanticize SH could get to it.

(this comic short is the one im talking about btw)

it just feels less genuine to me bcuz of this, cuz if you really want to care abt mental health, spread awareness and share your struggle, then why make that shirt? thats just me tbh.

i've started liking the idea of making my own menhera mascot thing (menhera angel, who's kinda like menhera X by diy-menhera-blog in the way that they are completely genderless, also menhera angel is an angel ragdoll creature thing?? meaning they are completely raceless too.)

this image is also in a diff art post of mine.

my mental health has just gotten a bit better but cuz of therapy and school, and the stress of going to a gymnasium soon (yeah, SV system) i honestly just don't think im experiencing mental health struggles in a different way than menhera-chan is shown to be, and in a different way than most people who relate to menhera-chan/momoka sakurai do.

i respect those who are attached to her and can point out that ezaki bisuko is still a shit person but idk,, maybe when i can find community in the menhera space i can find others who are also not as attached to wrist-cut warrior manga like me.

just,, man. im really trying to find community w menhera people and in the menhera sphere so i hope i get welcomed with open arms but idk,,, (cuz a lot of menhera stuff crosses over w/ jirai and landmine and i feel like theyll see me as "too stable." n shit or just wont welcome me at all and will chase me out but thats just my anxiety talking.)

TL;DR: im more detached from menhera-chan's character cuz of bisuko himself and changes in my mental health, and i might find comfort in the menhera sphere if i get welcomed.

[bearmemesreviews]

Spontaneous Spotlight: Silent Hill's C. B.

Sometimes you don't have enough time or material to make a full series of reviews on something, so when that happens I'll pop out a Spontaneous Spotlight review to cover any short topic that has recently come to my attention. Today we're talking about Silent Hill!

I have debated on whether or not to list SH on my "To-Do" list of franchises to review the creatures of, but those guys have been picked apart so much that I don't have anything new to say. However, new SH content is set to release in the coming years, so that means fresh pickings for me - starting with the face of our newest surprise entry: Silent Hill: The Short Message.

SMG is meant to be a free and easy entry into the Silent Hill Franchise for modern gamers. Reintroducing the surreal, heavy-handed themes and imagery of the series to hint towards what future titles may hold. Taking place in post-Covid Germany of all locations, we follow a girl named Anita as she searches an abandoned apartment complex named The Villa for her friend - a popular street artist named Maya.

Obviously meant to pick-up where P. T. left off, the game is a very blunt suicide prevention PSA which, controversial opinion, really harkens back to the heyday of SH. Corny dialogue from a tortured protagonist with the most perfect art direction in the world with a sick-ass monster design.

Yeah, there's only one monster and it's mostly just for chases, but my god what a monster.

TW: Discussions of Suicide, Suicidal Ideation, Self-Harm, Child Abuse, Bullying, and Body Horror. Spoiler Warning for Silent Hill: The Short Message.

Design: There is no true name for the Monster but the artist who designed them has acknowledged the fan nicknames of "Sakura Monster" and "Cherry Blossom". Cherry Blossom is what I'm sticking to because it ties into the twist of the game, which we'll get to later. Cherry Blossom is a humanoid with nearly accurate proportions to a teenage girl. In fact, it has completely humanoid legs from the thighs to the ankles.

Cherry Blossom is named after the flowers that every Anime nerd knows by memory, the bright pink tree foliage clumps together in a large mass that obscures all skin besides the aforementioned legs. The flowers sprout outwards from the head, making it resemble a bush from the neck up, and grows down the front of its chest (as if it's growing wherever skin would be exposed for someone wearing only a jacket with the front unzipped) and across its waist - making a skirt out of the plants. Miles of black wire seems to be used to secure the flowers onto the creature's "head", limbs, and torso. It appears to be wearing a hoodie, but the fabric is almost too moist to be real clothing. Both its hands and feet deteriorate into jagged potentially wooden spikes which is its main form of attack.

The artist specifically mentioned that they wanted to avoid using blood on this monster, opting instead to incorporate beautiful imagery into something distorted and unnerving. And I think they succeed, it's quite an unnaturally pretty monster but its body plan is so unique and effortless in its execution.

Say what you want about PT's take on the gameplay, but what it severely lacked was a monster that screamed "Silent Hill" while being its own thing like Cherry Blossom. It rivals Pyramid Head in its iconography.

Which makes sense since CB was designed by Masahiro Ito, the designer of old Triangle Hat himself. Check out the guy's twitter, his insight into the workings of Silent Hill's design is awesome. [X]

There he also posted a scrapped monster concept who shares a few details with Sakura Head, especially the way its humanoid legs distort into pegs it walks on like stilts. It's almost like a humanoid with an organic skirt that becomes an indescribable mess of viscera and wires. From a distance some of the loose barbed wire make an almost eye-like shape, with the messed up "upper body" acting like a pupil. It's shoots some of its body mass forward, or maybe it's an oddly shaped proboscis.

The game itself has stellar art direction, especially for the middle chase sequences that play around with the game's industrial motifs due to the protagonist being an artist. I especially love the usage of eyes for one of them, I genuinely suggest playing it just for that one chase in the photo maze. Also remember the corny wall messages written in blood saying "this is hell", they're back.

Symbolism: Anita, our protagonist, is revealed as unsubtlety as the franchise is prone to, to be a survivor of childhood abuse from a mother who saw her children as a curse for existing. Her mother was eventually arrested after her neglect led to Anita's brother dying, the police later finding his body hidden in the fridge. They discovered it after the clear was given to remove the kids from the home (CPS had already been investigating beforehand). Anita would later become friends with Maya and another girl named Amelie, but her trauma led to her growing abandonment issues.

(Pictured Above: Maya, a teenage girl of Asian Descent.) As a child, art was an escape and the only positive connection she had with her mother, but Anita felt upstaged by Maya due to her friend being a popular street artist named Cherry Blossom. CB's art was a combination of beautiful imagery used to express the hidden struggles and wants of teenage girls, which explains why the Sakura Monster looks the way it does.

See this original design for CB, where the hoodie and skirt are more obvious as clothing being worn by the monster. The body was made more organic looking to both increase its monstrousness, but to also make the connection to Maya more abstract. Cherry Blossom is a looming figure born from the art of someone who has everything Anita wants, it's a constant reminder of Maya and how much of a threat she was in Anita's mind. This is combined with how much Anita admired Maya, which only fueled her jealousy when she believed that Maya was trying to steal Amelie from her.

However, it's not Maya reanimated. It's a manifestation built from Anita's subconscious, much like Maria, that exists to torment and corral Anita into facing her issues head on. And I do mean torment and corral, because the game soon reveals that Anita cannot die. Whether it's purposefully ending her life, or failing to escape CB in a chase, if she dies, she's forced to return to a part of The Villa with the memories of her death.

The game plays into this with having in-game deaths be reversed like VHS tapes, with the game's trigger warning page reappearing every time she has to start the entire game all over again. It's later revealed that Anita came to The Villa, not to meet with Maya personally, but to visit the spot where she leapt to her own death years ago. This leads to her making several attempts on her own life to follow Maya's stead, but The Villa refuses to let her escape in any way besides what "it" wants her to do. How the games end once you finally confront all of Anita's traumas and guilt over Maya's suicide, well, I'll leave that to you to find out. However, as an overall experience it really feels like a better reintroduction than the travesty that was Ascension. I feel like, since PT's been deleted for a while now, its gameplay is less intolerable than when every indie game wanted to do PT again in the 2010s and the set pieces make up 70% of the experience. And these are some damn fine set pieces.

This game is all around just beautiful to experience, but you might be left wondering how this ties into Silent Hill...after all, I did mention this taking place in Germany. Silent Hill F, another upcoming game, seems to be taking similar cues to SH:SMG by not only using beautiful imagery for grotesque body horror, but also taking place somewhere away from our fog covered tourist spot.

In-game we are told about "The Silent Hill Effect" through a newspaper clipping, which seems to imply that in the world of Silent Hill the town the game's named after is not as uncommon of an occurrence as we thought. It's definitely its most famous, but the fog seems to venture outside our favorite cultist stomping ground. I would love for SH to take the Biohazard(Resident Evil) route of taking its core concept and expanding on it into new settings. Especially if it means less Bobblehead Nurses and Pyramid Head appearances in the future, put those guys in the retirement home my god.

My theory is that the human consciousness itself can manifest pockets of Silent Hill's phenomenon as long as enough people in one space compound their traumas and miseries into a monster creating mist, further supported by the fact that the original town already had a history of supernatural events and cult activity before the events of the main games.

I guess Silent HILLS isn't completely dead and buried.