#did you all get christian homeschooled or something

[ironmansbay]

“aegon’s mini-speech to larys listing his new ailments and insecurities was designed to humiliate his character” is easily the funniest breed of finale hate so far. “The guy who gets traumatically castrated as a result of an already extremely traumatic disabling event in every version of this story should never bring it up bc I, the viewer, consider that an insurmountable embarrassment for him and inherently undignified. I’m saying this for disability rights reasons btw.”

[berryblu-soda]

going through the notes on that homeschool post like, are you guys okay????

[zombieunicorngamerzu]

Jackie Taylor x fem reader

(Jackie Taylor x fem reader - reader with body dysmorphia)

[Warnings - Talk of eating disorders and body dysmorphia, closeted lesbians, love confession, first times, body worship, praise, gentle soft-top Jackie, fingering, oral, vibrator, thigh riding]

You were checking yourself in the locker room mirror for the fifth time, frowning with focus as you pulled down on your shirt, sucking in. You had always been a curvier girl, always comparing yourself to every other girl you saw and thinking in your mind, “That’s what a normal body looks like, skinny, toned, pretty, while you were just curvy, thick, chubby as every single guy you spoke to would say. That’s one of the reasons you were now a closeted lesbian, I mean, it was 1996, lesbians weren’t really excepted and the only open lesbian you knew was Van, she was a really good friend to you and she had close to the same body type as you, but she had confidence and you just didn’t, you wished you could be as non-caring as her.

Jackie frowned from the corner as she did Shauna’s paint for the field, she always kept an eye on you, as the leader of the team and one of your friends she had to, but also it may be because she feels a little something more… But anyways, she kept seeing you tug at your uniform. Jackie kinda knew you always had problems with body confidence and eating, you always denied snacks or food when offered and only ever ate an apple or a granola bar for lunch. She tried multiple times to offer you food but you always said you liked eating the same thing every day, that it gave you routine and structure. The way you said it made Jackie worry, she always worried about you because she knows of your family life. Your parents, whom she met on occasions were super overprotective, Christian, conservative, republican people who sheltered you way too much, you were actually homeschooled only until this year when you finally got your parents to let you go to school just so you could play soccer.

At first your parents didn’t agree, saying how they didn’t want you to wear the uniforms that were too short, but you were able to get a custom uniform online with sleeves that went down to your elbows and shorts that went down to your knees and you promised them that you would excel and you’d get amazing grades. It put a extreme amount of pressure on you to be perfect all the time, sometimes you forgot to eat, or you’d skip lunch and go to study hall instead. Everybody on the team really worried about you because of this, especially Jackie, Lottie, and Van. Luckily this year at school you had kept up with the perfect image, getting straight A’s, behaving good at home and school, and doing your absolute grueling best at soccer and practice so you could show your parents that you were the best, even your coach told you that you needed to relax at some point, but you always just said you liked to work and move, it keeps you distracted.

“Hey, Y/N, are you okay? Jackie spoke with concern as she walked over to you, pulling you out of your thoughts, giving her a quick smile which she saw straight through as you spoke, “Yeah, I’m fine, just fixing my shirt.” She only nodded and crossed her arms, giving you a gentle look, “That’s the sixth time you’ve fixed your shirt Y/N, look, you look gorgeous, okay?” She smiled brighter as she turned you to face yourself in the mirror, making you blush simply from her hands on your shoulders as she looked at you through the mirror, “Even with this baggy conservative ass uniform, your one of the very few that can pull it off and make it look sexy.” She finished, making your heart speed up, (Did Jackie really think you were sexy?) “I’m not really going for sexy, I don’t like when people notice me like that.” You mumbled out, you really liked to just be invisible. You loved to be the best at things, but you never wanted to be noticed for your efforts.

“Well then, sorry toots but you are, your pretty and so sexy that even with this uniform that covers up all your good bits, you have the boys always drooling after you like dogs with a bone.” She complimented you, Jackie was tying to hype you up, to be the team leader and give you a pep talk, but really all it did was make you embarrassed and shy, blushing, you didn’t really believe her, every time you got compliments you thought they were out of pity, of coarse Jackie would give you compliments, she’s perfect. “Isn’t that right girls, Y/N is absolutely beautiful?” She yelled out with a smile, getting rounds of playful wolf-whistled, noises, “Damn straight!” Van called out with a smile while whipping Taissa with a towel, making her jump and nod. “Yeah, Y/N, you have no idea how pretty you are, I wish I had your curves honestly.” Lottie just smiled and walked up to you with that little head tilt she does, her eyes soft as she reached for your hands, looking you in the eyes, “Y/N, you shouldn’t even waste time worrying about your looks, your absolutely adorable and one of our best players, we all see how hard you work yourself, your beautiful and you shouldn’t ever think otherwise.” You smiled tenderly at Lottie’s little pep talk, but Jackie, Jackie honestly felt a wave of jealousy watching Lottie with you, a quick frown crossing her face, (Why did Lotties pep talk comfort you but hers didn’t, what’s so special about Lottie?” She thought, unconsciously dropping her hands from your shoulders to your waist to hug you from behind and nuzzle your shoulder with a smile, pretending to playfully pull you back against her in a “friendly” hug and totally not just doing that to get you away from Lottie.

You just laughed a little with a pink blush from all the attention, compliments, and Jackie’s hug, your heart was pattering so fast you were terrified Jackie would feel it or somehow see how you had this overwhelming crush on her. Jackie finally pulled back from the hug, calling the girls so you could head out onto the field and start practice, “Alright, let’s go Yellowjackets!” She cheered with a jump before you were all jogging out onto the field for another day of grueling practice. You worked your ass off like usual, only today you were driven by anger, or self-hatred, you were running and sweating, trying to mentally burn off as many calories as possible, really pushing yourself today, and it didn’t help that the softball boys were practicing right on the open field beside the team, shouting wolf-whistles and gross compliments. It only spurred you on more, which the team seemed to notice your attitude, getting some worried glances from the girls and coach, but Jackie was paying the most attention, coming over to you after practice as you were sitting on the grass, panting heavily while tying your shoes, sitting down next to you, “Hey, Y/N, nice footwork out there, what’s got you so pumped?” She tried to seem like she was teasing, her smile as she nudged your shoulder with hers, nodding over towards the boys, “You trying to make a good show for the boys?”

She just teased lightheartedly, Jackie really hoped that you didn’t like any of the boys, but she just wanted to use that as an excuse. She didn’t know if you were interested in her the way she was into you, and really, Jackie herself was severely confused about her sexuality but after so many nights fantasizing about what it would be like to be with a girl, only being able to masterbate and cum to the thought of girls, she assumed she was definitely lesbian. Even when she was dating Jeff she had to fake so many orgasms, she was only with him to try to convince herself to be straight, but eventually she just knew it would never work so she broke it off. You frowned at her question, you always got so worked up when Jackie would tease you about being interested In boys, that’s one of the reasons why Jackie did it, she thought you were adorable when you got flustered, your scoff as you looked up at her, “What? Of coarse not, they disgust me just from their stares.” You grumbled out, that was the truth, men just disgusted you, even from a young age while girls were fawning and gushing over boys you never got that attraction, you forced yourself to “date” like three boys in your lifetime and every single time all they ever said was, (They liked that you were thicker than other girls.) It just made you feel disgusted by your own body, knowing that was all you were seen for was… heartbreaking for you, and you grew a hated towards men instead. “You were just really working yourself out there, even Lottie couldn’t keep up with you.” Jackie chuckled with a worried look, but you were too busy looking down at your shoes, sighing, “Look Jackie, I’m fine, I just wanted to do my best.”

“Oh that was definitely your best, I’m proud of you.” Jackie smiled, putting her hand on your back in soothing rubs, making you soften a little bit and blush, looking up at her with a more sullen look of defeat, you were really tired and it was hard to keep hiding your feelings, Jackie’s expression softened too at your look, silently giving you a look of understanding as she spoke gently, “Hey, it’s Friday, how about you text your parents and ask if you can spend the night for a sleepover at my place?” You immediately smiled a little at the idea, your parents met Jackie already and they got the best impression from her and met her parents, they thought Jackie was the perfect little princess, (due to Jackie’s amazing acting skills) she won your parents trust and favor. So when you texted your parents while getting dressed in the locker room after practice, you got a yes as long as you were home by Sunday for church. Smiling at your phone before shutting your locker, you looked over at Jackie with excitement and relief, “They said I could-“ Jackie cut you off with a teasing smile and tone with her hands on her hips, “As long as your home by Sunday, yeah, yeah.” You giggled at Jackie which made her only smile more, she loved it when she got to make you smile or laugh, you rarely ever did due to your constant state of stress, so she treasured those moments.

“Come on, let’s go.” Jackie smiled as she jingled her keys, giving you a playful look as she wiggled her brows, you just smiled gently with a nod, grabbing your duffel bag before heading out with her to the parking lot. You got stopped by Jeff and some of his boys in a truck next to Jackie’s car, you could practically predict some sexual remarks as soon as you saw their smiles and stares, like predators with their prey, Jackie grabbed your hand immediately with a confident look on her face, leaning closer to you to speak gently, “Hey, don’t worry, their just assholes, ignore them.” She gave you a gentle squeeze with your hand in hers, you always felt so protected by Jackie, it made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, your heart was pounding as she led you to her car, one of the boys shouting out from the trunk of the truck, “Hey, church mouse, show us your tits!” Jackie glared burning holes into the guys, that was your name at school, church mouse, it was derogatory because you were quiet, more private, and just a good girl overall. “Fuck off pervs, you wish!” Jackie spat back at them with a roll of her eyes, guiding you into her car before she got in on the other side, slamming the door and putting a tape in to turn on some music and drown out the guys before pulling out of the parking lot. “Hey, I’m sorry about those assholes, men only think one thing, sex, my mom always told me that.” Jackie gives you a gentle smile which you were grateful for. “It’s fine, thanks for standing up for me.” Jackie just nodded, her expression was so caring, reaching her hand over to place on your knee with a gentle squeeze, “Always.”

You got to Jackie’s house in about 30 minutes, she didn’t live too far, getting out of the car with your bag as she led you inside her house. Jackie’s parents were on vacation, which you didn’t know about, having the huge house all to yourselves which Jackie was practically jumping with excitement about as she led you up to her bedroom to settle in. “Are you hungry?” Jackie asked as soon as you both settled in, sitting down on her bed beside you, “I can order pizza or something while you take a shower.” She spoke with a hopeful tone that you’d say yes, she hadn’t seen you eat for the past couple of days and she noticed you’d lost some weight, your uniform shorts getting baggier than usual. You frowned at her words, you didn’t wanna say no and have her be suspicious, but also you didn’t wanna eat pizza, terrified of gaining weight. Jackie must have seen the worry and stress on your face, sitting up more in her bed to sit on her knees and take your hands, smiling reassuringly as she shook her head, “Or I can go downstairs and make us both fruit salads, Dad just got some fruit at the market the other day.” She tried to find to find someway to get you to relax and eat, “Because I’m starving, how does that sound.” You felt a wave of relief at her alternative suggestion, fruit wouldn’t hurt you as long as you didn’t overdue it, nodding with a small smile, “Yeah, sure, if it’s not too much trouble for you, I’m sorry to make you do that for me.” You apologized before she shook her head, “No, no, Y/N, i love doing things for you, go take a shower and I’ll come back up with a bowl for us and we can watch movies and just relax.” She smiled affectionately, getting out of bed swiftly.

You just nodded and headed to Jackie’s bathroom, she had one attached to her bedroom. You decided to take a quick hot shower, getting out once you were done before realizing you forgot to grab a change of clothes from your bag, cursing as you walked back into Jackie’s room, she wasn’t back yet so you just thought to drop your towel and get dressed, but unlucky or lucky for you Jackie was literally right at the door, holding two bowls, stopped with a burning blush and her mouth open as she caught a glimpse of your beautiful body through a wide crack in the door, since it was just you two, neither of you thought to close doors really. Jackie blinked a couple of times just in shock, you were so gorgeous, she just wanted to walk in and do unholy things to you, but she had to keep her secret until she was sure you weren’t straight. She decided to do a alternative, pretending to walk in with a loud. “OH! Sorry, Y/N, I thought you’d be done already.” She spoke quickly as she turned around quickly, you jumped with a burning blush on your cheeks at her having seen you naked, quickly pulling your shirt and shorts on, “God, I’m sorry Jackie- I didn’t even think.” She cut you off with a shake of her head before turning around once you were dressed with a blush, “No, hey- it’s okay, we’re both girls.” She chuckled out nervously, trying to hide the fact that she is blushing so hard not from embarrassment but from attraction to you, handing you a bowl of fruit which you took before sitting back in a beanbag chair in her room, there was a couple moments of awkward silence as you took a few hesitant bites while Jackie met your eyes a few times, “Y/N, you know your beautiful, right?” Her sudden words caught you off guard, rolling your eyes with a sigh which Jackie caught, “Hey, I’m serious Y/N, you are.” You just shook your head, speaking out mid-chew,

“Of coarse you’d say that, your literally perfect Jackie.” Your words made her blush with a soft smile as she stared over at you with a affectionate look. “I’m not perfect, but thank you.” She spoke shyer, shrugging before speaking again as she sat down her bowl, watching you eat while biting her lip, she was trying to be careful with what she said. “Y/N, can I tell you something?” You looked up at the hesitancy In her tone, nodding as you gave her your full attention as she stood up to sit closer to you in her bed, “I have a crush, on this person… and I’m not sure they feel the same way I do.” You felt your heart shatter at her words, at seeing your brief expression because she felt her heart flutter with hope, just a friend wouldn’t look so devastated at her best friends confession, you didn’t really know what to say except, “Oh, um, well- why don’t you just tell them, be blunt, the worst they can do is say no.” You shrugged, you were always a no none sense, blunt kinda person, you hated wasting time and beating around the bush. Jackie just smiled and chuckled at your advice, she always admired your advice, looking down as she spoke, “It’s not that easy, their a friend of mine and I don’t wanna ruin our friendship.” You shifted in your spot with empathy for her, it felt super awkward to give her relationship advice while your heart was breaking at the thought of Jackie being with anyone, “If they make you happy and it’s torture not being with them, isn’t it worth the risk instead of suffering?” You spoke from your heart, realizing how close you and Jackie were when you saw her nod, her eyes briefly flickering down to your lips, god- you were such a hypocrite, and fuck- why is she so pretty?

“She’s too important for me to loose.” Jackie spoke out softly before her eyes widened, realizing what she just confessed when she saw your expression change, it wasn’t hard to click the pieces together just the, she meant you, Jackie liked you? You knew it was you as soon as she said, she. Jackie quickly just took in your shocked expression before catching you copy her, your eyes flickering down to her lips, making her swallow and slowly lean in closer, her heart racing when you didn’t pull away, her hand reaching up to your cheek before she pressed her lips against yours in a slow, passionate, deep kiss, sighing out against your lips in pure relief when you started to kiss her back. You were so happy you couldn’t help but smile against her lips, making her smile too, pulling away with such a bright smile it made your heart flutter, the both of you catching your breath as you stared into each others eyes, her voice was a little raspier than normal, making you flush, “I’ve wanted to do that for so long.” Her words shocked you, you were so sure Jackie was straight, you’d trained yourself to be heartbroken and miserable your whole friendship with Jackie while watching her with Jeff, but now she was confessing she liked you? It felt like a dream. You just stared at her with this look in your eyes that made Jackie heat up, you looked so adorable to her, leaning back closer as she sat up on her knees, cupping your cheek with a soft tone,

“Your so beautiful… please, let me show you how beautiful I think you are.” Jackie husked out while slowly pushing you down on her bed, carefully straddling your lap with a shutter when she felt how hot you were against her core through the thin fabric of both of yours sleep shorts, god she was embarrassingly wet already, sighing out as her eyes fluttered, looking down at you as she gently slid her hands under your shirt to your hips, rasping out, “Is this okay, Y/N?” She asked you gently, watching your expression for any signs of discomfort. You just nodded with a breathy, “Yes, Jackie…” She smiled down at you so sexy, rolling her tongue against her teeth before leaning down to kiss you slow and deep, nibbling on your bottom lip a few times as she rolled her hips for the first time, the noise you made against Jackie’s lips made her groan, pulling back with a nuzzle to your nose, tugging your shirt off over your head, “Your so fucking perfect, Y/N, I swear to god…” she spoke with such passion and adoration as she squirmed in your lap to sit back and kiss down your neck to your chest, her hand sliding behind your back for your bra clasp, making you shutter as she spoke again for consent, her breath against your ear as she pushed down against you, “Can I?” You were hesitant this time which she noticed immediately, skipping your bra to rub your back and pepper more kisses across your gave this time which made you giggle, “Jackie…”

She smiled at your giggles, “What? I’m just appreciating the beautiful baby girl I have under me.” Her words made you blush, rolling your eyes before Jackie cupped your chin and guided your eyes back to hers with a more sensual tone, “I mean it, Y/N, I mean it when I say your beautiful and perfect and sweet and gorgeous…” The more she spoke the more embarrassed you got, so you decided to change the roles, pushing up your hips before grabbing Jackie’s waist to flip the two of you, getting a surprised squeal from her as her head hit the pillows, the bed squeaking as you threw your leg over her waist to straddle her instead, you had a tendency to get defensive or controlling when embarrassed or vulnerable, leaning down to husk against her hips with a lustful look,

“I think the beautiful one here is you, why don’t I show you instead?” Jackie just blushed, biting her lip, she wanted to worship you, to show you that you were gorgeous and that she wanted to take care of you, but also she didn’t wanna deny you the pleasure of getting to take control either if that’s what you needed, she’d be happy to receive.

“H-hey um- I have a vibrator in my dresser if-“ You were already reaching for her nightstand before she finished, making Jackie smile as she sat up on her elbows, laughing as you almost fell out of bed, you were just too eager and excited to see how Jackie would respond to pleasure, I mean you thought about, fantasized about it, but to get the real thing? Oh god… You were quick to crawl back to her side, and oh god, the smile on Jackie’s face was so adorable, like she only had eyes for you, leaning down to kiss her delicately before clicking on the tiny pink vibrator, deepening the kiss as you spread her thighs open more, making her sigh out against your lips, her eyes fluttering as you pressed the vibrator to her clit, moaning into your mouth with a shaky gasp, “Y-Y/N, O-Oh fuck- baby…” she was already panting against your lips, laying back in a arch as you circled the vibrator around her clit.

You bit your lip with a soft moan at watching her, making Jackie get louder. Jackie was panting, trembling, and squirming as she gripped at her sheets. When she heard your soft breathes and moans it only spurred her on, her voice getting higher and shakier before screaming slightly as you turned the vibe on a higher pace with a smile, “Y/N!” You only giggled out innocently, sliding your free hand up her torso to her cheek, caressing it while pressing the vibe harder against her clit, wiggling it as you leant down to nuzzle her cheek with a kiss, husking out the words that sent her over the edge, “Cum for me, Jackie…”

As soon as Jackie heard those words and locked eyes with you, she was gasping quickly and tensing, her face twisting into a pained-pleasurable expression while her mouth dropped open in a breathy-whiney moan while trying to maintain eye contact, she came harder than she ever had, screaming out at the intensity of her orgasm and the stimulation on her clit, crying as she lurched up, kissing you roughly so you could swallow her whimpers, slowly calming down into breathy pants, you watched as she slowly started to slump back down in a flushed mess, taking the vibrator off her clit before laying next to her, kissing her cheek, “Your so beautiful Jackie…” she chuckled out breathlessly before whining, her face scrunching up, “I was supposed to make you feel cared for, not the other way around…” You just giggled, you feel alot more comfortable at Jackie’s side after making her cum.

Suddenly after a couple minutes of snuggling and silence, Jackie sat up with a soft look before reaching for your shorts with a experimental tug while locking eyes with you, asking for permission, “A-Are you okay with me- you know… using my mouth on you?” Jackie spoke out so softly, a timid look on her face as she bit her lip with such a pouty look like a puppy, “Please? I wanna taste you, Y/N…” she practically whined out, making you whine at her cuteness, feeling a little embarrassed and self conscious about what she’s going to think about seeing you but Jackie just tapped your thigh, she saw you overthinking so she kissed your inner thigh, “Baby? Hey, i mean it when i say your beautiful. Every. Single. Fucking. Part. Of. You.” She spoke out between kisses as she slowly pulled off your shorts and panties, she looked completely in awe at the sight of your soaked pussy, her breath quickening as you saw her pupils dilate, her lips twitching into a smile, she looked disheveled, wild, primal, she looked like she wanted to devour you.

And devour you, she did.

Jackie immediately got to work at the first nod of permission, she didn’t use her vibrator, she didn’t need it, she was determined to pleasure you and she damn well was gonna show you how much she meant she cared about you, crawling up into her knees as she bent down into a arch, spreading your thighs open while rubbing her hands up and down your inner thighs soothingly, she thought your thighs were so soft and squishy, mumbling out to you, “I can’t wait to have you squeeze your thighs around my head baby.” Her words made your jaw drop, blushing so red as you let out a noise you didn’t know you could make, Jackie just smiled wildly, pushing your thighs up to your chest and holding them there before burying her face between your thighs. She went wild, pushing her tongue straight through your folds like she was starved, sucking on your clit before darting her tongue inside you, making you gasp out a moan, jerking with such surprise at the intensity of her actions. (Fuck, you really didn’t know Jackie was so good at this) Jackie ate you out like a starved woman, moaning and sighing out against your clit, every roll of her tongue and suck made you make noises you didn’t even know existed and Jackie was so fucking proud of herself, when Jackie pushed a finger inside you, you were surprised at how different hers felt from your own, it was different, but Jackie’s fingers were almost as experienced as yours, she knew exactly where to curl and pump, suckling on your clit while she flicked her tongue over your bud all while pumping her fingers at a quicker pace, it wasn’t long before you were trembling and tensing with a loud cry, clamping down on Jackie’s fingers so tight it made her moan as you came, covering her fingers in cum which she licked up every drop, her voice was so husky and hot when she spoke, you were recovering from your earth shattering orgasm, vision still back with muffled hearing as you heard her,

“Good girl, baby.”

You just smiled lazily, panting heavily as Jackie squirmed to lay down beside you, wrapping her arms around your waist to spoon you and kiss your shoulder, “Im so proud of you baby, your so fucking pretty when you cum.” You just rolled your eyes, making Jackie frown a little, tightening her arms around your waist, “Y/N, do I need to fuck you in front of my mirror and make you watch yourself until you believe it?” You choked on nothing at her words, eyes widening with your mouth open in shock at her words.

You had no idea how serious she was to do it either.

(Worked all fucking day on this masterpiece, nobody can convince me Jackie was straight, sorry not sorry)

[gilverrwrites]

Hellooo, I hope ur doing well ;) Can I request Bruce Wayne/Batman for the headcanon meme ? I know this is a lot and I apologise in advance lol, but I’m genuinely so interested about your takes on Bruce 🫶🏼 Hi anon, I hope you don't mind but I'm posting this as a text post so I can add a read more to it. Thank you so much for the ask, I'm honored that you're curious my HCs. Again thank you, and have a super rest of your day! 💖💖💖

• what religion are they? how do they practice? Canonically, I believe he was raised catholic, and identifies as an atheist because if there was an all knowing God, why would he let Gotham exist as it is?

But I’ve always had trouble rationalising religion in comics. I’m also an atheist but if I’d met/knew Gods literally walked the Earth (Zeus for example) I would be having a crisis of faith. Pretty sure Superman once met the Christian God? Bruce clearly has a stronger sense of belief than I.  

So, practice wise; Growing up would be church on Sundays, grace before dinner. Nightly prayers. Once his parents had passed, while Bruce would be questioning his faith, I don’t think Alfred would have enforced such things if Bruce didn’t want to continue practicing.

• what holidays do they decorate for? For the longest time he didn’t decorate for any. Alfred decorated at least for Christmas every year, but Bruce stopped noticing once he became Batman.

It wasn’t until a young Dick mentioned he’d never been trick or treating that Bruce started to put the effort in. That year Dick had the best Robin Hood costume, Bruce dressed as Little John, and Alfred as Friar Tuck. Not only did Dick get to go trick or treating, but Bruce and Alfred decked out the front yard for any local kids too.

When thanksgiving rolled around, Alfred was delighted that Bruce seemed to care about it again, having gone out to buy new centre pieces. And that year was the first year since he was child that Bruce helped put up the Christmas decorations.

Every year he tried to one up the last, however, his presence on the day dwindles until Dick goes off to college and Bruce’s motivation to care about such frivolous things while Gotham needs him is gone. But this exact process repeats with every adopted child until there’s always somebody home, be they young and living with him or old and visiting.

• what clubs / sports were they involved in as a child / teenager When he dropped out of school, that also meant quitting any clubs and sports. The lack of team sports is probably a contributing factor to his inability to communicate well with others outside of strategy. However, prior to that he was a Cub Scout, as well as tennis and fencing (fuckin’ Rich kids).

Post homeschool (much like in the Gotham TV show) Alfred ensured Bruce was still doing outdoorsy activities; camping, hiking, learning survival skills. As well as Bruce insisting on multiple forms of combat training. He continued fencing.

• do they take any medications? No. That’s not to say he shouldn’t be on medication, he just doesn’t. Hard to speak to a professional when you can only tell them half of your life.

He does however take daily vitamins along with his protein, creatine etc. If he’s not taking supplements, Alfred is sneaking them into his food. He eats nothing but protein, gotta make sure he’s getting his nutrients somewhere.

• do they watch the olympics? do they prefer summer or winter Rarely has the time. But if and when he does sit down to watch I’d say his preferred watches are; tennis, fencing, boxing, and judo. Sports that mean something to him. For that reason he also prefers the summer games over winter.

• what are they like when they're sick? Nightmare. Alfred is a saint for putting up with it, honestly. That WFA comic where he’s trying desperately to get back to work whilest injured is 100% accurate to my imaginings. Even when he’s too sick to move, he’s still thinking up ways he can sneak out of bed, wondering if he should build a batlaptop for these sorts of occasions.

Crime is never sick; therefore Batman can’t be sick!

• what do they usually buy in a gift shop? It varies from place to place but typically:

Fridge magnet and/or some other small kitchen accessories for Alfred.

Stationary for Damian.

Preferably a cola drink, but if not a snack for Tim. He’s specifically looking for decorative packaging that can be saved. [See this Tim HC]

Pin badges for Babs.

Postcards for Dick.

An oversized hoodie for Cass. Black only.

An oversized hoodie for Steph. Tacky only.

Keying for Jason.

Puzzles or decorative decks of playing cards. (Duke is into tabletop card games, Bruce thinks they’re the same thing)

A coffee mug for himself.

• what color was their childhood bedroom? Blue, and it’s still blue but a lot of the furniture has changed. Can’t sleep in a kids bed forever.

Most of the new furniture is sleek, modern looking and black. He likes the gothic style, but this is where he often brings his dates/hook up, and the minimalist style suits his image better.

The old bed, desk, toy box etc haven’t been thrown out or anything, they’ve been used by most of his family as they’ve grown up and are currently in Damian’s room. Everyone who has used the desk (B included) has carved their their initials on the underside of it.

• what does a typical day off work look like for them? A day off? What’s that? Seriously, even if he’s not being Batman, he’s being Brucie, Mr Wayne, Matches, or Dad or even just working out.

On the rare, rare, rare occasions he’s not doing any of those things, the first thing he does is sleep in. He probably needs to sleep for 5 days straight, but he’ll only sleep until 10/11ish.

By now he’s missed breakfast (which is served from 8-9), so he’s latching onto the first person to pick up the phone and taking them out for brunch. By now he’s already itching to get back in the cave, and to thwart this he forces himself to stay in the city; go to a museum, walk in that park, visit a friend, go shopping for (another) new watch, anything but return home.

Will surprise Damian by picking him up from school. Damian, as he gets older externally complains and cringes more and more, but he loves it.

When they get home, he becomes a nuisance until dinner, offering help to everyone with anything to distract himself. It’s appreciated but nobody needs help with homework or housework.

After dinner is the home stretch, and the easiest part. He gathers as many people as he can in the family room for films or games, and by the time they’re done it’s bedtime.

He’s in the batcave at midnight.

• how many pillows do they sleep with? One. He has at least ten in the bed, every night she shifts all but his favourite to the floor, and every morning Alfred makes the bed and puts them all back and arranges them perfectly.

• what's their least favorite chore? He rarely does chores, but Alfred must have time off. The first time he took a week off since Bruce became Batman was the first time he realised the impracticality of having a CAVE! So much sweeping and dusting and everything smells damp, he has no idea how Alfred keeps it liveable because after 2 days Bruce was overwhelmed and ready to risk it all by moving everything upstairs.

• how often do they do their laundry? He doesn’t. If Alfred isn’t available, he’s been specifically instructed to take anything that needs cleaning to the dry cleaners. Not because he’s incapable of doing laundry, he’s not completely inept at doing normal things. He just thinks he can do it better. Which often results in the washer-dryer being ‘upgraded’ in ways that nobody ever needs, and Alfred hates it.

• what is their favorite wine / liquor? Prefers wine to spirits, specifically red. Or better yet, champagne.

When he does drink spirits he leans towards brandy, the same kind that his mother would drink.

• what is their favorite scent of candle? Citrusy, fresh scents. Something strong that pierced the musty smell of the Batcave or the damp of the city. Sage & citrus, lemon lime, maybe even mint cucumber.

• what's their guilty pleasure tv show? Again, he rarely watches TV. But I think at least once while on ordered bed rest he ‘accidentally’ watched every season of the Kardashian’s. He 'hated' every second.

He’s assigned all of his children a Kardashian and keeps up to date with every episode, just as a person who hates the show would do. He will never tell anyone else.

Tim knows. Bruce knows that Tim knows but they’ve never discussed it. Tim has never seen a single episode, but he’s seen memes, and will quote them in front of people to make Bruce sweat.

• have they ever done volunteer work? Bruce is a known philanthropist. The Wayne Foundation is a non-profit which primary cause is funding charities, hospitals, medical research, urban renewal, etc.

He puts a lot of money into The Wayne Hospital (or whatever its called dependant on the media). He also funds a lot of youth centres, and rehabilitation centres.

But as for actual hands-on charity work, no. It anything it would cause more harm than good.

Could you imagine being homeless, starving, at your lowest, and when you arrive there’s fucking media vans and photographers everywhere, cataloguing your worst? And then inside, the herald prince of the city that has screwed you over, billionaire Brucie Wayne is serving you ladles of dirt-cheap slop? You'd be mortified, pissed.

• do they listen to music or watch tv more often? Definitely music. TV is time consuming; music is easier to multi-task. I don't think he listens to much of anything other than classical and meditative music. Maybe some kind of classic rock workout playlist on Spotify that Babs occasionally hacks into and keeps adding back-to-back plays of Black Betty. Bruce gets so into his workouts that he doesn't notice until one day he realises he's done a 2-hour cardio session and Black Betty has been playing the entire time.

• do they watch the superbowl even if they aren't into football? Not into football and barely has the time. However, when it's football season, the men (and some women) in his social circles go crazy for it, so he keeps up with the matches through news reports and tries to watch the final, Batman missions permitting.

(Psst. I'm from the UK and know nothing about American football. I presume the Superbowl is preceded by a series of tournament matches like euro football (soccer) is?)

• do they collect anything? Children

Watches, and cars. Later in life, he's fixed on these things a lot more, because he's been collecting them for so long. But they started purely as a way to fit in with his high society peers. To make him appear more normal.

Imagine that scene in American Psycho where they're comparing busisness cards, but it's Gotham’s richest competing over who has the latest watch, the nicest vintage car etc. Now that he knows what he likes he's more focused in on those; he like vintage European watches and American cars.

I also love the idea that Dick once bought him an ugly novelty tie (completely earnestly) on like his second Christmas at the Manor, and that quickly became a tradition. Every year he gets a new tie, the most hideous the kids can find, and the following year, Bruce wears it during Christmas dinner.

• what hill are they willing to die on? Mint is the superior dessert flavour, milkshakes, ice cream, Oreos, coffee syrups. Dark chocolate and mint = peak.

[sigynsilica]

Conservatives be like "tHey'Re tRyiNg tO dEcOnStrUcT tHe fAmiLy uNiT"

Yes. Exactly. That is exactly my goal in life.

Then they be like "wElL yOu mUsT wAnT tHe wOrLd tO bE fUlL oF siNgLe pAreNtS"

No

You think it's LESS family I want? You have it backwards. It's MORE.

Let me explain.

One of the most integral parts of humanity is community. Humans are pack animals. We do better in groups, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Everything humans have accomplished, they did via teamwork.

This is a leading reason why I'm a socialist, because Capitalism is, by definition, the advancement of the individual over the collective. That's a concept that goes against human nature. Capitalism gives credit to one person for what a team of people did, and allows that one person to decide for themself what portions of the benefits of creating something goes to who. This despite the fact that the creation would not and could not be possible without the whole team of people. Even if one person creates one thing, they could not do it without materials harvested or tools invented or concepts thought of by someone else. Somewhere down the line, someone was pushing the buttons.

It's a very isolationist way of thinking, to claim that a CEO deserves more money for producing a product than the assembly line workers who actually made the thing.

This mindset has then been projected onto basically every single aspect of American life. (I can't speak for other countries because I've never been anywhere else)

People are their own human, and that means they can't ask for help. Collaboration is a myth, and the credit for anything really only goes to the head of the endeavor.

Enter the nuclear family.

One mom, one dad, and an assortment of children. The mom stays home and raises the kiddos and cleans the house and makes sure everyone has clean underwear and also finds time for sanity somewhere, while the dad works his butt off at a crappy corporate hellhole of a job. Add in some fundamental Christianity, because America Is A Christian Nation apparently, and you have pressure to homeschool. This only further enforces the isolation, the individual, the Doing Everything By Yourself as the only way to go.

This is why so many conservatives and fundamentalists like the Duggars so much. Think of it! Twenty homeschooled fundamentalist Baptist children, all raised to believe in God, while the dad does Politics and Mission Stuff at the church and the mom homeschools All of them.

And of course you have friends, right? But woe upon thee if your house isn't spick-and-span or the children are being disruptive when they come over. They can't see your mess. They can't see your imperfections. Nobody actually goes to their neighbors to ask for a cup of sugar. You should buy your own sugar. Jeez.

In this mindset and mentality, if your children are "unruly", that reflects badly on you as a parent. Your children are seen as an extension of yourself, and if you don't have everything in your life put together, you're getting judged by randos in the grocery store, now. If both parents need to work, just send your kid to the local daycare. What's that? You can't afford daycare? Hire a babysitter. What's that? You can't afford a babysitter? Hm. More judgement. Get the kid's granny to watch them or something.

So here's the facts. The more adults a child has in their life who show them support and are a safe environment for the child, the more the child will be likely to succeed in their adult life.

And by that definition, yes. I want to destroy the family unit. I want it gone.

The notion that if the two people who were directly responsible for the child's existence can't adequately provide for their child, that's it's a moral failing on their part? That's bullshit. I want it gone. If you need help raising a child, so does everyone else, and it should be socially okay to reach out to a trusted member of your community for help. It should also be socially okay for someone who you trust to want to care for a child with no financial compensation. Children are delightful.

Taking care of a child is hard work. Someone has to be on call 100% of the time for at least the first ten years of that kid's life.

Of course, in making the decision to have children, a parent should consider their capability of caring for the kid. But it shouldn't be their capability of caring for a kid ALONE. No one should have to raise a child alone.

Every parent should have a full support system to fall back on. Every person, let alone parent, should have a community of people who would be willing to help care for other people in their community, especially vulnerable people in that community, like children.

This is what I mean when I say I do want to destroy the family unit. I don't want any child to have to grow up in an environment where the only people who feel responsible for their safety are their parents.

Of course parents are responsible for a kid's safety, more than any other people on the planet, because the parents were the ones who chose to bring the kid into the world.

But they are not the only ones. They should not be alone. There should be no more talk of "well, your parents ought to teach you how to behave," because children learn from everything and everyone around them. You can't stop that. Not even if you try.

The thing is, parents should not, and cannot be the ultimate authority on life for their kids. My parents tried, while simultaneously insisting they weren't perfect, but if you grow up thinking only two people who are Biblically one person are the only ones who are right about things, you're going to have a lot of unlearning to do, no matter who those people are.

Humans, all of us, have a responsibility to look out for each other. Community is our greatest strength, and it's founded on the principle of all of us in a community having each other's backs.

So no more Two Heterosexual People being an island and a solitary beacon of what a family is supposed to be. A family is a community, and we all look out for each other. We all make sure we're safe and we have what we need to live. And we all teach each other things about how the world is.

[amethystsoda]

It’s kind of cliche how stereotypical my abuse and indoctrination was growing up—

(I guess this is technically a bit of trauma dumping??? But hopefully it’s more like “here are some experiences other traumatized millennials will relate to.” We share in this history together 🤝)

Family was into religious cult activities (aka evangelical pentecostals) and made us spend lots of time at church (good for becoming someone who cares about others and giving, but not good bc brainwashing/shaming/etc)

Only got one year of kindergarten before getting pulled into homeschool after a move. Mother got into talk radio and the conservative brain poisoning.

Not allowed to watch cartoons other than veggie tales. Christian bookstore almost exclusively. Hyper patriotic. ONe nation under GOD!!!!!!! *eagle caw*

Rapture scare and apocalypse fear—don’t deny Jesus if someone tries to shoot you and make you renounce Christ. Forced to watch The Omega Code at way too young. Listened to the audiobooks of all the Left Behind series (content including rapture, natural disasters, assassinations, beheadings for not taking the mark of the beast, etc).

My biggest fear around 7-10 years old was that I would have to be loyal to Jesus and get beheaded. I literally sat around thinking about how scary a guillotine was and how I would have to steel myself to accept that fate.

Also as a Pentecostal family, my parents believed in speaking in tongues. Cue up me at maybe 4 years old being forced to “learn the language” (I was getting no divine insight, no spiritual spark. I was a child with my brain still developing)

but being put into the empty bathtub until “the spirit worked” (aka I faked it and replicated how my parents did it with tear streaked cheeks, just so I could escape that hell).

Spanking as punishment… I wasn’t even that bad of a kid. They just didn’t know how to handle me being an independent thinker and curious.

Talk out problems?? Nah. Open palm spanking your butt will silence you and train you not to talk back. You said something I don’t like??? Time to push you to the wall and grab your chin and yell at you until you “repent.” (No wonder my response eventually was just to shut down.)

It didn’t stop there. When we got older and they didn’t spank as much. It was “you have to pray and repent out loud” “you have to read scripture.” And for someone who went nonverbal during those times, it was so painful to do.

I got diagnosed with adhd in kindergarten but my mom basically said “that doesn’t exist��� and ignored it. I had tons of sensory issues and that motor system stuff where you trip or are clumsy a lot. I cried when the crinoline of dresses scratched my legs. I was hyper fixated on red shoes and butterflies.

I had purity training at 9 years old. A sliding scale off a cliff diagram of “dangerous actions” (the start was holding hands. Off the cliff was laying in bed naked and sex).

Growing up fat and constant throat infections but no doctor’s care because “you just need to pray when you’re sick and quote scripture and god will heal you.” The advil? Hidden up in the kitchen cupboard and judgement any time you would reach for it.

I remember never talking about crushes too because everyone would embarrass me. I didn’t know any terms for demisexual/bisexual. I just knew I felt deep love for everyone, and sexual desire for almost no one.

I often think about how things could have been different. How I ended up parenting myself and only relying on myself. No one else would care for me, so I had to.

Sure there were occasionally good moments.

I’m sure my mother was trying her best with my dad constantly at work until late hours.

But it also could have been so much better…

If you also grew up like this, I am holding you so tenderly. I’m holding a warm washcloth to the old wounds and wiping the childhood tears off your face.

I’m giving 10 year old you a mug of hot cocoa and a warm blanket and putting cartoons on. There’s no yelling. No threat of abuse. You’re safe 🫂🫂

We’ve been through so much, but there are better days ahead. 💖💖💖

[ifiwereawriter]

I know this is meant to be a "writing" blog, I know, I just need an anonymous safe place to vent right now or imma be screaming, crying, or throwing up pretty soon.

So this is about love. Relationships. Boy drama. *Rolls eyes* of course it is. That's pretty much the only thing you yell to your diary about.

Anyway, I have NEVER been in a relationship. I am in my mid twenties. I grew up super conservative Christian homeschool etc. I'm pretty much scared of social interaction and especially scared of guys. So about 3/4 a year ago, my fam took guy A on an interstate trip with us. I won't take a long time to tell the story BC you don't need that, but the bare bones of it that are relevant are: him and I got along, we shared a moment when I got real and told him my family dynamics and some really personal stuff about my life while I was fricking painting my nails and sitting on a trailer and no one else was around. Then, the trip was over, things were a bit weird but friendly until he called me beautiful. And this freaked me the Frick out. I liked him as a friend but not the something more that this CLEARLY implied. Then I just real-life ghosted him as well as I could and he probably picked up on it bc I was actually giving him the silent treatment/cold shoulder which I totally regret in hindsight but at the moment I was so angry with him and freaked out. He went overseas too and I was desperately praying that he would find a girlfriend in his hometown lmao.

Cut to tonight and I have been thinking about guy A because guy B is on the scene now (I will tell that story soon). And guys A is at the event I go to, and he is being super sweet with the kids and everything and I think about him. But at one point, I see him walking with a girl who is there who is prettier, cooler and closer in age to him than me and guys, if I didn't feel crazy at that. Like, if I truly don't like him I would be happy if they got together but dang it kind of ate me up and set me off a bit. Like I couldn't. And tonight I'm eating some cup tapokki and I can only think back to the time I had tapokki with guy A. It was the only time I've had it before tonight and we were eating at a Korean restaurant on our family trip with just two of my brothers and if was probably the most datelike thing I have ever been on. So I like him??? Do I even know what I like? And even if I liked a guy wholeheartedly, I would STILL be too much of an inexperienced self-shameing pussy to act!

So guy B is a handful, and not a very pleasant one. I know him through my social circles and I genuinely find it painful to talk to him. He is a great listener, and so am I. He just draws me out so badly because otherwise he leaves the conversation on the most awkward pauses and he just unsettles me for SURE. So that's the scene. I don't like talking to guy B and while he has characteristics I admire, in general I do not like his lack of social awareness. Cut to, my Dad tells me someone has come to him weeks ago and asked if he could 'get to know me better'. I still live at home and did I mention, super Christian conservative parents? He doesn't tell me who the guy is but after a couple of hints I am certain it is guy B. I cannot think of a single other person it would be. And damnit. I don't want my dad to say 'no' of course, I don't believe in that, but I literally do. not. like. this. guy. at. all!

So now I am feeling extremely self-conscious about this guy and he was at the event tonight and I spent the whole entire night trying to avoid him. My dad got a call from an unlisted number while I was talking to him and he left to go pick it up. I look over and Guy B is standing across the room on. his. phone. He was probably asking for my dad's answer since it had been the amount of time my dad said he wanted to wait. Damn it.

Now I am eating comfort food at home after all this. And posting a stupid ramble about it on my side account. FML tbh. Boys, you can't live with em, you can't live without em, amiright? I need therapy.

[honey-minded-hivemind]

Hello, everyone. I know I haven't posted for a while. I will try to post a little bit today, but I think I need to briefly discuss something that has been talked and argued over.

(Before you read this post, please be careful. It will discuss a little bit about religions, religious trauma, and other related topics. Please do not read if these things trigger you. Whatever you need to do to stay healthy and mentally well, do so. With this, you have been warned).

With so much arguing, fighting, and prejudice against the many different religions of the world, it can overwhelm a person. So many people, despite what their religion, their God/gods teach, prophets advised, and basic human goodwill toward men and women and others dictates, practice hate. It has happened since before A.D., and has lasted for as long as humanity has existed.

I don't think that is right.

Now, please, keep in mind I am no religious expert. All I can speak about is my own experiences, and explain from my point of view. I am not judging anyone for what they believe in. I think that would be wrong of anyone to do.

When I was younger, I went to a school that had a church and people who claimed to believe in God and to be Christian. (And before I continue, do not hate on Christians. Don't hate on Muslims, don't hate on Jews, don't hate on atheists, or those who believe in multiple gods, or those who believe in Buddha, OR ANY OTHER BELIEF. People are to be judged not by religion, or race, or gender, or opinion). These people, in short, were hypocrites. I was bullied, for essentially being different. I was a little slow in some aspects then. But these people didn't always act the way a Christian, or any kind person, should. I eventually left, and entered homeschooling, but not before having a sh*t ton of religious trauma, which would later hurt me in more ways than one.

But then... I went to Wendesday night supper with my new teacher, who would later become my adopted grandma. And I'd continue going, over the years, and I realized over the years this was the healthiest church environment I had ever known. They were kind, welcoming, warm... They would love a person, even if they weren't a Christian, or weren't straight, or had a disability. And this is what I wish more people would practice, in all religions and mindsets and beliefs. That you should love a person, care for them, even if they aren't like you.

I am unorthodox. I am not part of any denomination of Christianity (there are several) or any other religion, and have a few beliefs that I don't think are commonly found/explored/thought over. I think God, whomever they are, is beyond human comprehension. I also believe they are kind, love the human race, and will always avenge the innocent, one way or another. I also believe that perhaps the different religions do share the same God, if not in different ways. Who is to say God did not take on different aspects of themself, or appear to the different people of the world in a way they would understand? I believe God is a perfect being, that God is pure Good and pure Love. We, as humans, are not perfect. But we try, and we try to be good, to do the right thing. And I believe God knows that.

I could be wrong. I know that. I have a disorder that uses my religious trauma to hurt me, and I know that might influence some of my beliefs. But I truly believe that God would want their creations to get along, to love one another and support each other and try to help each other, despite race, gender, opinions, preferences, or any other factors.

(And on a lighter, less heavy note, the platonic yans would love you no matter what you believed. They would support you, and love you no matter what. And if anyone tried to hurt you, they would protect you and keep you safe)

[sanctificationinprogress]

Hello 2023

I’m thankful for Tumblr, which is why I’m back for this and then probably gone again for awhile.  There’s been a lot of good and bad that has passed, and I wanted to have record of it somewhere... but not too public like most platforms out there.  

Ok, so here it goes...  

Since the last time I posted something like this, the family has grown.  Gained two kids, so now we have three.  After getting two miscarriages after our first, I never thought that we’d be able to have three.  Time is probably running out to have any more biological children, but I’m still open for adopting.  I just wonder if I have the energy, time, and money to do it.  I am so thankful that my heart was opened to parenting.  Despite the heartbreaks and the growing pains of the past, present, and future- I am thankful because I know it is part of the sanctification process.  

Work has been not so good.  It’s not that I do not appreciate that I have a steady job and one that pays well enough to support me and my family in a relatively expensive place to live.  It’s just that I’m a teacher, and when I embarked on this career, I never imagined how political and polarizing things could become.  I just wanted to help kids.  All I can say is, I see it from the inside, and public education is an inferior product.  If you are able to, I strongly recommend homeschooling- especially if you are Christian, but if you aren’t, I’d still recommend it.  It’s better for your children and your family.  

Needless to say, I’ve been trying to find a way out.  So there’s some side hustles that have become profitable, but not enough to retire.  It’s mainly the health/dental/life insurance stuff and having savings for the future like college tuition and such that prevents me from just calling it.  So, I’m hoping to find some way to pivot and finish off my working days in a more ideal situation.  I’m hoping to get my PhD soon and maybe if I’m lucky get either a faculty position or researcher position at some institute or think tank.  My options will be limited though because my parents don’t want me moving away.  Of course, I could just disregard that wish, but I feel like that isn’t very honorable.  They aren’t Christian, and I don’t want to dishonor them like that... even though I doubt that staying will lead to their salvation but who knows?  Also, I wouldn’t want my children to do that to me when I’m more advanced in my years too- if I am lucky enough to be advanced in years.  

Relationships and church life has been ok.  I’m thankful for Crosslife Community Church.  Even though it isn’t ideal that the pastor staff is shorthanded and can’t be more hands on in shepherding me and my family through life, the pastoral staff and the men that I’m around have been amazing in teaching me how to be a better man, husband, and father just by being around.  I wish I could develop closer relationships, but time is always in short supply and people get more and more guarded the older we get.  I feel like we are friends simply because we are a part of the same thing, but if life were to ever separate us, then the friendship would cease.  That’s why I’ve been thinking a lot of some of my childhood friends.  I was forced to move away from them when I wasn’t in control of my life.  We’re all grown up now with family of our own... I haven’t see a lot of them since we were 18.  I would like to think that I could be a better friend to them than I have been.  They wouldn’t be directly be helping me with my walk with God, but I do feel like God would want me to be a be a better friend and more influential for the Lord beyond my current circle.  

The last time I posted like this was years ago... feels like I was just a young kid tasting the joys the consequences of adulthood.  Youth seems like it’s angst or at least mind did.  Then life happens and if we survive, the angst doesn’t really go away, but it changes.  It’s more like weariness and apathy.  All the drama from those yesteryears, I look back with one of those tight-lipped smiles that come with a sigh and thoughts of “bless your heart...”  Maybe from the outside one might look at me and say I’ve gained wisdom.  Maybe.  But from the inside, I feel like a person that used to live life unfettered who now has put the fetters upon himself so as not to ever feel the pain of youth again but also never feeling that freshness of freedom either.  Maybe one day, I’ll master this dance.  

We’ll see what happens.  Cheers.  

[sol1loqu1st]

Your tags are more than welcome lol. Your experience speaks so similarly to mine. The only thing that isn't the same is that my parents had no idea: Dad had undiagnosed autism and Mom had undiagnosed ADHD and dyslexia, so they assumed my habits (auDHD and dyscalculia) were just Average Human Development because it mirrored their experiences growing up. I also assume that any inkling of a diagnosis by teachers when I was younger was waved off by being assumed a girl (or just them genuinely hating me or something). I don't think a diagnosis necessarily would have helped me when I was younger, but what I really want to change is just... Shit, I wish I had just been treated like a child! Instead I was either BAD or GOOD with absolutely no humanization. I wasn't a kis at all to outside authority figures, it seemed, it felt like I was perpetually Other.

MMHMM. once again this is a bit of a traumadump so i'll put it under a cut so u don't have to look if you don't want to, but

my symptoms as a kid were very much like, the stereotypically "masculine" traits of "high functioning" autism (and adhd, and some ocd-adjacent symptoms mixed in, and some weirder scattered symptoms that don't quite meet criteria for anything, and and and,) and being a kid in the early aughts, if i'd grown up a boy i almost definitely would've been slapped with an asperger's dx (obligatory statement that asperger's is bullshit invented by an actual eugenicist nazi and no longer recognized by the dsm) and probably got a whole different kind of abuse

but instead i got labeled a Problem Kid, kicked out of kindergarten (for not understanding that i couldn't just leave the classroom when i was bored one too many times, lol), homeschooled by parents with Poor Indiana Public School educations, constantly lied to that i was pulled from public school for being Too Smart To Get Held Back By All Those Other Dumb Kids, and eventually sent to christian homeschool co-op land where once a week i was compared to sheldon by my peers and constantly berated by the adults in my life (incl. the same parents telling me i was God's Specialest Little Supergenius) for acting out and talking back to teachers (i.e. not wanting to do mindless busywork for homework when i had other shit i was more interested in; tbh i still think i was valid for that but also these days i'd probably just suck it up and do it)

anyway all that to say it sure did give me. A COMPLEX of some kind. then i went to college and realized i was pretty average, actually, and got so overwhelmed and upset by this information that i dropped out and then 5 years later my therapist took one look at me and diagnosed me with cptsd lol

so uhhhhh yeah in conclusion the way society treats autistic people is FUUUUUCKED

[intentionallyjoyful]

February 23, 2023

Hi. I haven't "blogged" in years, not quite sure what's compelling me to now. I don't know who will even read this anyways. I've got a lot of my mind, as I've spent the last 2 days in thought whilst puking my brains out with a stomach virus and laying down in a fetal position. Yay for stomach viruses.

Little background on me: Almost 29 year old mom of 3 boys (5 and under), married for 10 years now, Christian, politically incorrect, Texas, SAHM, and homeschooling. I feel like that info alone will deter most people who find this blog.

So what's on my brain? Well, about 2 weeks ago I took Instagram & Facebook off my phone. I've checked it a couple times because groups/businesses, but not scrolling or going through stories. I initially removed the apps to focus more on prayer, particular when it comes to us finding a house. The house we finally committed an offer on recently did not work out mind you...which disappointed, God, but I'll trust something better is coming up. Regardless, it was good for other reasons too because social media definitely has a negative effect on me. I should probably remove TikTok too, tbh. Anyways, the biggest lesson I've learned thus far is that Not that many people give a fuck about you, and you also don't give a fuck about them. Yet social media gives this illusion that you all do. I also take less pictures/videos because even though I mostly did it for myself, I evidently was also doing it for others and because why? I don't know, like I need to prove I have a nice life or something, boredom, hoping someone will start a convo so not so isolated, Idk. I have a list I'm forming of people who actually reach out to me and who I think to reach out to and after a full month, these will be the only people I will actively dump my energy into, because obviously that's where it naturally fell. I keep finding myself being way too good of a friend to people who really don't care that deeply for me. It's really a shitty realization. On the flip side, I've noticed people who I hardly paid any mind to or would even call a friend insist that we're good friends, lol. Weird.

Speaking of energy, being part of a homeschooling co-op has been a total energy sucker. I'm not a group person, I knew this going into it, and yet I tried to go out of my comfort zone and continue to try to stick it out when I'm truly not enjoying it whatsoever. The kids love it though, we all get along great with similar values, it's just..... people are inconsistent and not as committed to the group. With me being the organizer, this leads to me constantly feeling frustrated by turnouts or lack of input/response, etc. I can't even fully explain it. I just keep praying for guidance on this and I know that if I was to just end things that it would end potential great long-term friendships for not only the kids, but for me. At the same time, I'm like if this isn't working out seamlessly already, why keep trying so much, especially when the effort is almost entirely on my part or people working through me, which I also dislike. Especially if I end up relocating further away from everyone since that's where our housing price-point keeps leading us.... shouldn't I be more involved in a community there?

Lastly, I wish my parents would move closer already. My grandma needs to pass, this poor old woman is miserable at 97 and barely hanging out. It's been thing after thing after thing. I hope and pray she passes soon and that my parents feel peace over it all. They are in desperate need of a break. Back when we lived closer to my parents, there were far too many issues. My brother was mentally unstable, my mother was in a terrible place physically and mentally as well, but fast-forward 5 years and things are so much better and now I just wish we could have simple family dinners or attend church together, get the cousins together for a playdate, or go on a nature walk with my mom. I always feel unsettled. Forever feeling like I don't belong where I'm at and that I'm missing something or supposed to be somewhere else. I don't know how to reconcile that.

And there's my first blog post. /end

[repostedpoliticalarts]

I was homeschooled and my father was a pastor. I got this on MULTIPLE fronts. Anytime a creationist seminar came to town we went and it got counted as a school day. I actually learned a lot of science about fossils and geology at those but it was always skewed when it came to conclusions.

“If evolution were true we would see a progression of more and more complex life as you move up through fossil layers but we find the fossil record all mixed up at every layer. Dinosaurs definitely existed but died in the flood and the ones on the ark weren’t adapted well to life after the flood because the earth lost the water canopy that softened the suns rays and caused the flood when it collapsed.”

“Carbon dating only works in theory if the rate of carbonization is constant which it’s not. Which is why you can test a chicken bone from a few years ago and carbon dating will say it’s thousands or even millions of years old.”

“Darwin can be forgiven for thinking a simple cell could just evolve out of nothing, because of limited microscopes of the time they thought a cell was an empty room with a membrane and had no idea how complex cellular functions are. It’s more like that if you threw all the metals needed to make a wrist watch into a tumbler for a trillion years that you’d eventually get a functioning wristwatch than random enzymes coming together to make the first living cells.”

☝🏼

That last one still fucks me up because fact is we still don’t know or understand how we went from a lifeless earth to the moment something organic and essentially alive came into being. That’s still a great mystery. But just because we don’t have the answer right now doesn’t mean we won’t figure it out.

Two things got me out of this cult thinking.

1. I went to a “secular” college. My parents were worried it would attack and destroy my beliefs. I assured them I had a strong faith and they’d taught me well. I’d be okay. In that environment i met people who didn’t really care about evolution or creationism. I found out the world wasn’t full of people waiting to attack me for my beliefs. Most people in fact minded their own damn business, and I was pleasantly surprised and decided to do the same. When my biology teacher gave me test questions on evolution I studied it like a theory and said “okay IF this WERE true, how would it work?” But I also met teachers teaching evolution who were Christians AND believed in evolution and were still great Christians and lovely people, so again it mattered even less. I did meet a couple obnoxious and smarmy atheists but honestly they were even more annoying than the most arrogant creationists I’d met, so all they did was make me want to double down on my beliefs and rationalize them even harder if just to spite their arrogant resolve and smug self-satisfaction.

2. I watched Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s Cosmos series when it aired. And the story of evolution was so awesome and beautiful that I decided God could have just as easily and more likely chose that process to create life because it was far more fun and more beautiful than “god spoke and all the plants and animals appeared in an afternoon 6,000 years ago.” It made God MORE interesting and complex to me, more a force of life and death and consciousness energy that created us “in his image” only in that we were made of stardust and had the power of consciousness like it does. A power so awesome and alien that it was far more compelling than a sky wizard man who thought up every dinosaur in a single breath. And who said “believe in me, this EXACT version of the sky wizard man, or burn for infinity in a lake of fire for being a shit person.”

I still believe in God as a force of life. But my parents were right, I DID lose my rigid beliefs by going out into the world, meeting and working with other people who didn’t share my beliefs and didn’t make it an issue, and seeing how little I knew about the universe made me hungry to know just how little I actually knew and start gleefully pursuing mysteries of the universe that baffle the mind. It’s way more fun.

But yeah, they were right to be worried.

y’all I CANNOT

[nothererightnow369]

So a conversation tonight got me really introspective and I sort of just want to throw some thoughts out there while they are floating around...

I grew up in a mixed religion household. Grandma was Christian, mom is a Helenistic pagan (with a lot of stuff borrowed from other branches of paganism and Christian psychics), and dad practices Norse paganism. It is safe to say that, should I encounter any problems, I had a variety of deities to pick from and pray to for help/guidance/etc, and, oh boy, I did encounter problems.

I was in late elementary school when my mom tried to get me to be more religious, so I studied as much as I could about different religions, and tried taking my problems to these deities, and shaping my behavior to be a good adherent to whatever I was trying at the time. I tried just about every god or goddess from every pantheon/religion I had an understanding of, and I got no help whatsoever. I was disillusioned at this point. Not only was I convinced none of these deities were real/could help, but I also started seeing a lot of issues with the common beliefs held in many of these neo-pagan groups, and running head first into the issues in many different Christian denominations. I gave up on it (save for a few times of pure desperation because I was in a really shitty state mentally and truly felt that the only way I would be able to make it through was divine intervention, and I didn't care what direction it came from). I gave up trying to find something to believe in, and I gave up trying to figure out what I believe or if I believed in anything at all (it doesn't help that I was overwhelmed with homeschooling myself and taking care of my two younger siblings, which left me with no time to sit down and think about these things). What's the point of finding a deity to believe in if that deity won't answer a prayer or even send a sign?

The problem is, I want to believe in something, but finding where to start is overwhelming. I've kindof just landed on "be as good (aka no harming anyone, and actively try to help people. If an action doesn't harm anyone it is neutral.) as you can, and, if there is a just judge of what to do with your soul when you die, you will be rewarded, if the judge of the afterlife is willing to make eternity miserable for you unless joined this group/worshiped a certain way/etc than they were an asshole undeserving of worship, and if there is nothing, at least you weren't an asshole." Unfortunately, I just feel like that is such a cop out answer, but it's all I have. I would love to find a religion that matches my understanding of the world, but that takes time and, given my experiences, it would just be a waste.

If someone could make a quiz that takes stock of all of your beliefs of things like moral issues, the afterlife, the cause of human suffering, and divine intervention in human lives and rank which religions are most likely to fit your understanding of the world, that would be great, and I would certainly use it to figure things out, but that's just because it feels like I would have to put in so much work just to get started in understanding what I believe/if I believe in anything, and don't want to be disappointed because I put in a lot of work just to have no answer.

[ruminate88]

It’s a Grey Line For Me:

Healing Journal/Therapy Session/Shadow Work

09/23/24 at 1:23 pm

I grew up in a loving and positive Christian home. I was surrounded by loving and Christian adults, but there were a lot of us kids. I only had one older brother who was more like a dad but I had about 100 cousins that I grew up around and these adults were sort of strict and you know, there were so many of us kids, so they kind of treated us all the same, but I always felt very different from all my other cousins!! I felt like my cousins loved me but I always felt like something was wrong with me…. I actually dreamt last night I was a little kid again with my glasses on that I use to have to wear and just how I felt!!!

In school, I was labeled with a learning disability and A.D.D! I was made to feel like I was less and that I wasn’t smart and although I can’t remember everything those teachers told me, I just KNEW I felt bad about myself. I felt small and weak. My dad did not accept any of that and refused to treat me any differently. He remained tough on me and always gave me tough love, trying to make me stronger than I felt. But I also did not feel accepted by my dad for all I was going through …. I needed him to try to understand me and I never felt like he could although I feel like my dad and I are a lot alike at the same time.

Then my mom homeschooled me whenever I was 14 and my whole life changed from there. At 15, I had to move in with my grandmother to help take care of her and I took care of her. She lived for seven years after, but I also helped to raise my brother‘s kids. I didn’t do a lot of on “learning“ I didn’t do much schoolwork… My life at that point was taking care of my family.

I would get really defensive whenever my mom would try to teach me something because I did not feel smart and I didn’t want her to tell me I was wrong or that I was stupid or that I didn’t know what I was talking about and I wanted to figure it ALL out on my own. so at that point, I was MY OWN teacher. I taught myself how to have sex… I taught myself cooking and cleaning…. taking care of my brother’s kids….. I taught myself a lot of things and I felt like I was on my own, even though I had very loving parents who would support me. They mostly supported me financially, but even then, there were a couple times that money was tight, and I had to actually help with some bills.

I loved all of my family very very much. I loved my parents and I wanted a relationship like theirs but I was on the outside looking in!!! (Did not see their struggles) I actually would get jealous sometimes that my parents had each other and I just wanted to have somebody and when I dated these men who were emotionally unavailable, these relationships were one-sided and hurt me really really bad! It’s all I ever wanted with somebody was just to spend time with me and to care about how I feel and what I go through. I just wanted someone to listen to me and try to understand where I was coming from. That’s all I cared about and it was really hard to find!

I did feel less than, rejected, abandoned, not good enough, misunderstood, fearful, hated, like I was old used trash that was thrown away!!!! in school, I felt like I was on the outs ALWAYS that nobody saw me or cared about me. I never felt accepted by anybody and then my exes didn’t accept me either and that confirmed it for me, but I still had my loving parents and it’s really confusing because they’re so supportive and yet I felt like I taught myself so much on my own like where were my parents when I taught myself all these things? so it’s really weird and confusing. It’s a grey line and a lot of videos of therapist say that the reason you would date emotionally unavailable men is because you had parents like that a mom or a dad that was emotionally unavailable and I’ve tried to look back at my childhood and look at my parents and it just makes no sense.

I NEVER saw my exes as “critical” until years later…. Why would I not see it???? Who normalized the criticism for me as a child?? Does it even matter now??? I mean, now that I am aware, I closed off the whole world and now analyze and filter out every single person who tries to get even a little bit close to me!!! I trust NO ONE really… it’s the loneliest place I’ve ever been in!!! Will it pay off, though??

I don’t enjoy blaming people for anything. I’ve been very hard on my own self and beat myself up!! When I read signs of “betrayal trauma” Ive experienced all of the signs!! I know that is cuz of my exes and Bri who betrayed me…. THEN I saw a video that talked about your addicted to porn cuz you have anger from childhood… what??? I found porn at 15 and it slaved me all of my teens and 20s. Idk 🤷🏻‍♀️ Is the anger from school????? Is cuz I had to be the family care taker and abandon myself?? Or was it just a random addiction??? Hmmm…..

[thoughts-and-all-that]

how the fuck do you block someone without blocking someone... someone who makes me deeply DEEPLY uncomfortable either follows my main (i checked after posting this, they do follow my main) or at least checks in on it enough that they liked one of my posts, but the thing is... we are in a very small fandom together, and ive talked to them on discord before, and i am trying so hard to be liked by this fandom despite how much it kinda grates on my nerves, and i really dont want them being like. hey why do you have me blocked. and like. starting drama about it

i guess i doubt theyd start drama but i really dont know them well and i. constantly feel like im walking on egg shells with these people cause theyre the types that are like. more sensitive than me. which sure thats not like inherently bad or negative but it gets. irritating when it feels like i have no idea what i can and cant say that might upset them or get me in trouble. like i cant even joke about cults and cannibalism with these people. like come on, its funny to make these shitty things out to be a joke, it makes it feel like they suck less. i mean, im not making light of them, when it comes to real situations of them im obviously not gonna treat it like a joke, but when it comes to the vague idea of them? yeah its funny. theyre just absurd concepts. i mean, come on man.

like, okay fine, its fine that they dont want to joke about it, but you cant even MENTION that stuff around these people. i mean i guess like. i guess its one of these peoples triggers but. what the hell situation do you find yourself in where cannibalism is brought up and becomes a trigger. like obviously i cant ask them that but like. WHAT. like did your mother eat your brother or some shit like... what the hell situation gives you cannibalism as a trigger. the cult one is fully understandable cause cults are common but you dont hear or see real life cannibalism every day. like does this person just have a horrible backstory or something.

i got very off track. i mean i guess it doesnt matter this is literally just a vent blog

its not like i hate any of these people. i may dislike one or two of them, thats just bound to happen with any group of people, but not hate. but as much as i dont want to say it, theyre not exactly my vibe. i mean... i always stuck out like a sore thumb in this fandom, even back in the day, hell, ESPECIALLY back in the day. i stumbled upon a fandom made by and for homeschooled christian kids and that sure was exactly how it sounds! and i... very much was not that. i was a public school atheist kid and i just simply found the content funny and the characters fascinating. i fell HARD for the characters, they... in more ways than one, lived rent free in my head.

a lot happened, i wanted nothing to do with it after, and then eventually i wanted something to do with it again. but ive been cautious this time. maybe a little too much i dont know. i just cant let it happen again. i know it cant happen again logically, and yet the creeping tendrils it left parasitically suckling on my skin creeps ever upward, threatening my very core.

i swear fandoms have changed drastically since 2016. i dont know what it was. i couldnt tell you if you paid me. they didnt used to be like this, filled with the one thing that makes me question my determination to go on. the one thing i cant even talk to anyone about because it makes me feel like im going to die, and other people treat me like ill die for it.

and its everywhere. its all over and i cant escape it and i try so desperately to.

and you know that its in this fandom. it was the first fandom i saw it in, actually. its the reason i feel this way at all. they haunt me. my every action is tinted with this haunting, it changed me for the worse.

i cant get close to any of them because almost all of them say it. and the ones who dont... definitely arent my vibe. the ones who dont arent even the ones i dislike, surprisingly. i used to hate one of them, hell, i used to hate one of the other people too. but things change. people change.

i guess i cant, since its been 7 years and this shit still haunts me so bad.

the reason that person makes me so uncomfortable is that thing. the one and i think only call i did in that server (i probably did one other) was with them and someone else, because i was like. why not! it was soon after i joined and i wanted to befriend the current era of this fandom. huge mistake. confronted with them doing the one thing that curses me. i left silently because they were all ignoring me anyway. what an experience.

ive had so many feelings since i joined that server, thats for sure. my relationship with this fandom could fill a novel. i hope it never does. it wouldnt get published anyway.

i just love these characters. i used to love one of the other people in the fandom. thats its own story. i cant even keep a conversation with them nowadays. how can i? the thing we had in common is gone. i cant tell them the truth. i REALLY cant tell them the truth. they would hate me. i cant handle them hating me. we arent codependently attached anymore but that doesnt mean i dont still care way too much about them. they were the best relationship i ever had, and we didnt even date.

i dont know what i would do if they hated me.

i just really love these dumbass characters. i dont know what it is. their own creators treated these characters a bit like crap. but these characters are so real to me. but not in THAT way.

and sadly ive tried to stop caring, but it didnt work. i mean... i did also want to reclaim them. that situation doesnt deserve to hold them hostage. i guess i could use to have that mindset about a lot more about that situation, but its not that easy. its really, really not that easy.

and because i care so much about these fucking characters, i care about having a decent relationship with the fandom. theres only so many of us, and none of these people are bad, i just... dont fit in. i never really did. but i try to. i dont think my effort does much.

i worry that they think im too much. i treat darker and mature topics like casual jokes, i dont share so many of the same ideas as everyone else, i make a lot of things about me because i dont know how not to. i try to keep up conversations by relating, but i fear it comes off as me trying to pivot it to be about me.

i think some of the stuff they do is silly, not that id ever stop them

i miss the early days, before the other shoe dropped. when i actually did fit. when it was so easy. when me and my friends filled up discord chats with back-and-forth prompts and ideas and writing... how i always wanted any fandom to be for me. why did it ever have to change. why did they have to tell me the truth. i was only 14.

i actually did almost have it with another fandom, too. that didnt work out as well after a little while. it was nice while it lasted.

i cant do that with these people. i wish i could. i wish i didnt feel like oil trying to mix with water.

so, anyway. cant block this person. wish i could. i wont though.

this is just the surface of all of this, you know. like i said, it could be a whole novel.

i have to live with this.

[homosexualmorelikehomiesexual]

i was homeschooled by a neo nazi. the sheer amount of damage it did to my psyche as a queer child in that environment is something im still grappling with to this day. and thats to say nothing about having my education, health, and emotional wellbeing neglected. i had to fucking laugh in 2020 when people were crying about not leaving the house for a single month, when i had been kept housebound since i was 6 years old. i cant describe the indignity of watching people finally recognize what id been saying for years, which is that remote learning was not only useless as an education method but fundamentally damaging to the students mental health, and then not ONCE think to check up on kids who'd already been homeschooled. not once.

because nobody gives a flying shit about the actual voices of homeschooled kids, least of all the parents that subject them to it. and thats not to say those parents dont care, or arent attached - quite the opposite. remember, we're talking about the kind of abuse that seeks to keep the victims closer, not further away. its just that the pressure to cover for that abuse is placed directly on these childrens shoulders. i know, because i lived it. we are expected to present ourselves to the public as prodigies, partly to sell people on the idea of homeschooling but mainly to ward off social services. and if we fail to do that, which we largely do, we are kept out of the public eye our entire childhoods.

and thats assuming it ends with the onset of adulthood. if we're lucky enough to have parents willing to let us go at all, that isolation and lack of worldly experience leaves us with no resources, no networks, no support systems, no basic survival skills. do you know the difference between debit and credit? what health insurance is, who pays for it, how to find a provider? who taught you to drive? do you know what the dmv is? what social security is, or where to find your birth certificate? do you know how to use a crosswalk? if you arent homeschooled, you do not realize how much knowledge you have that you take for granted. the level of dependance it creates on the abuser is terrifying. im 21, i didnt move out till 6 months ago. most people assume i took an extended gap year. the truth is i was psychotic from isolation trauma, rapidly developing stockholm syndrome, and had no resources to leave after i turned 18 even though i desparately wanted to. if i hadnt been lucky enough to have other family members to rescue me, i would probably not be alive today.

and despite how damning the evidence is that this is a terrible byproduct of multiple systems that long since shouldve been fixed, despite all the hubub about protecting children in this stupid, stupid fucking country, there is ZERO public interest in acknowledgeing our existence outside of using us as a talking point to snub rural america. a talking point, and nothing more. nobody actually cares to change those red states, they just want someone to blame. so when we do speak up, we get tuned out. because it turns out nobody actually wants to hear about the medical neglect, or the cults, or the grooming, or the domestic violence, let alone do anything about it. (besides vaguely gesturing to things like...calling CPS on our own parents, once again placing the pressure on the victims to rescue ourselves, when weve often been taught to fear those institutions since the onset of our abuse.)

if you think im exaggerating, go read through r/homeschoolrecovery. thats just the kids whove managed to get internet, most of whom profess terror at facing further abuse if their parents find out. look at your phone. look at your computer. every single device you own has the ability to set parental controls. i dont know the exact numbers of the silent majority of homeschooled children without access to the internet, but considering the main demographic who chooses homeschooling is white supremacist christian fundie cults, who really fucking love having numbers of white babies that exceed the double digits, id be confident in wagering its a lot. so you wanna know why over half the states in the country are red? fucking start there.

because theres a *reason* isolation is a cult tactic. its why im such an advocate for libraries, unpaywalled and un age restricted internet, and actually putting money into rural infrastructure - ESPECIALLY internet networks and public transit. because while the american public education system remains the stinking garbage fire it is, people are gonna keep choosing to take matters into their own hands. and under this presidency, it is going to get worse. there is no point bashing the parents for it, because it just convinces them further that the left has an agenda to systemically brainwash their kids or whatever. so please, for the love of god, make sure that even in the worst case scenarios where they have complete control over their children, those kids arent completely cut off from the world.

Anyway enough lame gifted kid discourse we are in our 20s. Let's talk about how homeschooling in america should be fucking illegal it's insane lol