thoughts-and-all-that

[thoughts-and-all-that]

i just saw a post of people burning the lsr34l flag, and i know that hating on that place isnt hating on j3ws, but then i think about the star of david being on the flag, and how it was also burning. i know most people, when they think of all of this, only mean the country in their hatred, which i also have certain issues with, but i know there are people going further and extending it to all j3ws, just because of the association

people were already going too far with this stuff, but i really think its only getting worse

im not usually a 'dont do that because it makes all of us look bad' person when it comes to minority issues, but i really wish this whole thing would end already.

people may think that all my care about one side means im on that side, but im really not. i dont care about land, or borders, or religious rights to anything, all of that stuff is stupid

i care about the citizens who didnt ask for any of this, from both sides. but everyone else already cares about the citizens from one side, and i want them to be okay too, but i feel like someone has to worry about the others, too.

i dont have anything to do with any of it, but that post i saw made me feel unsafe. because i know the associations people make between that place and my people, and a major symbol of ours was in that image, on fire.

its not funny, its not cute, its not going to do anything to affect the damn thing going on, it was just horrible. i dont know why tumblr insists on showing me posts like this when i dont interact with them and all i do is block the people involved. the worst part is when they go untagged or dont mention any of the words i have blacklisted, so im forced to see it. not to mention the op of this one was deactivated, so i couldnt even block them or see if they used tags i could block

[thoughts-and-all-that]

literally had to quietly turn off asks on my main because in the last line 2 weeks ive gotten probably 50 asks about that whole situation asking for money. how about no.

i 1. dont have money 2. live in fucking missouri usa 3. dont have any influence nor reach online and 4. refuse to post about that topic on my main blog EVER. because i like my main staying as light hearted as possible.

i am the last person these people should be sending asks to about this.

hell, there was even one that started with 'youre our last hope!!!' no the fuck im not. you probably sent that ask to 100 people. i am no ones last hope.

also apparently im r@cist for thinking that at least a few of these are scams. because there totally couldnt be people taking advantage of this situation to be greedy and awful and scam people. it wouldnt be the first time, nor the last.

it was also just annoying. i never get people talking to me online anymore so when i get asks its usually so exciting... but now it was just dreadful. 'whos gonna try and guilt trip me today?'

seriously, most of them started guilt trippy. at least some of them started polite though.

i know its a huge tragedy and w@r and all that but i dont know why i need to have any part of it. there is nothing i can do about it, and all it would do is make me upset, especially because theres nothing i can do.

and people can tell me all they want 'but there IS something you can do!!' but like... if people are getting killed, i doubt me signing a petition is gonna make them go 'oh, i guess i was wrong to kill people, sorry' like...

and like i said, i dont have reach or influence online. plus, thousands if not millions of people are already posting about this topic CONSTANTLY and saying everything better than i could, and having more reach than i ever will. i think me not posting about it will be fine.

[thoughts-and-all-that]

i know its a perfectly valid interpretation for a stories 'fear of invasion' metaphor or story or idk the word i forgot. to be like 'oh thats a metaphor for colonization' and stuff, like yeah thats a fair takeway

but like. theres other reasons for people to fear invasion. parasites is a universal human fear, for good reason, or also just people invading your literal house and killing you, which i know can just be called like, a small scale version of colonization or some shit but still idk. like if i ever wrote a story with the the whole 'fear of invasion' metaphor, i know it would definitely be about other things, not colonization in my case. parasites, or even my trauma which has a similar thing in it that im not gonna say. idk lol

[thoughts-and-all-that]

as awful as i know it is, a lot of the time internally ill be like 'kys' about people i dont like, and theres a lot of people, but at the very least i dont actually say that out loud. like theres a lot of people on tumblr that talk about my trigger a lot because for some fucking reason its a common topic BUT IT SHOULDNT BE. and i go. wow pls die. but i dont actually send them an ask or reblog their stuff with that. i just think it at them very aggressively. anyway i just wanted to confess that because i dont really like that i do that, but it feels better than being like. wow that hurt me, i should move on. like, yeah it did hurt me, and i should move on, but also it feels good to internally say FUCK YOU when i feel hurt

[thoughts-and-all-that]

hate when those blogs entirely dedicated to asking for help decide to send an ask to my blog asking me for help even though i clearly dont do those kinds of posts on my blog. like, go ask the thousands of other blogs that do that, not me. youre wasting both our time doing that. like i hope things go well for you, but im just not that guy. i dont have money to donate and i dont have the online reach to spread messages around in any meaningful way, and i honestly try to keep my main blog lighthearted. also, there is no way to verify a lot of claims made, and a lot of them could be scams or people being dishonest, and just. its just not for me dude

[thoughts-and-all-that]

how the fuck do you block someone without blocking someone... someone who makes me deeply DEEPLY uncomfortable either follows my main (i checked after posting this, they do follow my main) or at least checks in on it enough that they liked one of my posts, but the thing is... we are in a very small fandom together, and ive talked to them on discord before, and i am trying so hard to be liked by this fandom despite how much it kinda grates on my nerves, and i really dont want them being like. hey why do you have me blocked. and like. starting drama about it

i guess i doubt theyd start drama but i really dont know them well and i. constantly feel like im walking on egg shells with these people cause theyre the types that are like. more sensitive than me. which sure thats not like inherently bad or negative but it gets. irritating when it feels like i have no idea what i can and cant say that might upset them or get me in trouble. like i cant even joke about cults and cannibalism with these people. like come on, its funny to make these shitty things out to be a joke, it makes it feel like they suck less. i mean, im not making light of them, when it comes to real situations of them im obviously not gonna treat it like a joke, but when it comes to the vague idea of them? yeah its funny. theyre just absurd concepts. i mean, come on man.

like, okay fine, its fine that they dont want to joke about it, but you cant even MENTION that stuff around these people. i mean i guess like. i guess its one of these peoples triggers but. what the hell situation do you find yourself in where cannibalism is brought up and becomes a trigger. like obviously i cant ask them that but like. WHAT. like did your mother eat your brother or some shit like... what the hell situation gives you cannibalism as a trigger. the cult one is fully understandable cause cults are common but you dont hear or see real life cannibalism every day. like does this person just have a horrible backstory or something.

i got very off track. i mean i guess it doesnt matter this is literally just a vent blog

its not like i hate any of these people. i may dislike one or two of them, thats just bound to happen with any group of people, but not hate. but as much as i dont want to say it, theyre not exactly my vibe. i mean... i always stuck out like a sore thumb in this fandom, even back in the day, hell, ESPECIALLY back in the day. i stumbled upon a fandom made by and for homeschooled christian kids and that sure was exactly how it sounds! and i... very much was not that. i was a public school atheist kid and i just simply found the content funny and the characters fascinating. i fell HARD for the characters, they... in more ways than one, lived rent free in my head.

a lot happened, i wanted nothing to do with it after, and then eventually i wanted something to do with it again. but ive been cautious this time. maybe a little too much i dont know. i just cant let it happen again. i know it cant happen again logically, and yet the creeping tendrils it left parasitically suckling on my skin creeps ever upward, threatening my very core.

i swear fandoms have changed drastically since 2016. i dont know what it was. i couldnt tell you if you paid me. they didnt used to be like this, filled with the one thing that makes me question my determination to go on. the one thing i cant even talk to anyone about because it makes me feel like im going to die, and other people treat me like ill die for it.

and its everywhere. its all over and i cant escape it and i try so desperately to.

and you know that its in this fandom. it was the first fandom i saw it in, actually. its the reason i feel this way at all. they haunt me. my every action is tinted with this haunting, it changed me for the worse.

i cant get close to any of them because almost all of them say it. and the ones who dont... definitely arent my vibe. the ones who dont arent even the ones i dislike, surprisingly. i used to hate one of them, hell, i used to hate one of the other people too. but things change. people change.

i guess i cant, since its been 7 years and this shit still haunts me so bad.

the reason that person makes me so uncomfortable is that thing. the one and i think only call i did in that server (i probably did one other) was with them and someone else, because i was like. why not! it was soon after i joined and i wanted to befriend the current era of this fandom. huge mistake. confronted with them doing the one thing that curses me. i left silently because they were all ignoring me anyway. what an experience.

ive had so many feelings since i joined that server, thats for sure. my relationship with this fandom could fill a novel. i hope it never does. it wouldnt get published anyway.

i just love these characters. i used to love one of the other people in the fandom. thats its own story. i cant even keep a conversation with them nowadays. how can i? the thing we had in common is gone. i cant tell them the truth. i REALLY cant tell them the truth. they would hate me. i cant handle them hating me. we arent codependently attached anymore but that doesnt mean i dont still care way too much about them. they were the best relationship i ever had, and we didnt even date.

i dont know what i would do if they hated me.

i just really love these dumbass characters. i dont know what it is. their own creators treated these characters a bit like crap. but these characters are so real to me. but not in THAT way.

and sadly ive tried to stop caring, but it didnt work. i mean... i did also want to reclaim them. that situation doesnt deserve to hold them hostage. i guess i could use to have that mindset about a lot more about that situation, but its not that easy. its really, really not that easy.

and because i care so much about these fucking characters, i care about having a decent relationship with the fandom. theres only so many of us, and none of these people are bad, i just... dont fit in. i never really did. but i try to. i dont think my effort does much.

i worry that they think im too much. i treat darker and mature topics like casual jokes, i dont share so many of the same ideas as everyone else, i make a lot of things about me because i dont know how not to. i try to keep up conversations by relating, but i fear it comes off as me trying to pivot it to be about me.

i think some of the stuff they do is silly, not that id ever stop them

i miss the early days, before the other shoe dropped. when i actually did fit. when it was so easy. when me and my friends filled up discord chats with back-and-forth prompts and ideas and writing... how i always wanted any fandom to be for me. why did it ever have to change. why did they have to tell me the truth. i was only 14.

i actually did almost have it with another fandom, too. that didnt work out as well after a little while. it was nice while it lasted.

i cant do that with these people. i wish i could. i wish i didnt feel like oil trying to mix with water.

so, anyway. cant block this person. wish i could. i wont though.

this is just the surface of all of this, you know. like i said, it could be a whole novel.

i have to live with this.

[thoughts-and-all-that]

A Phantom Fart (2017)

[thoughts-and-all-that]

[thoughts-and-all-that]

at this point im gonna keep stuffing my hot takes here but im very confused by the b/lge thing lately. like in art

cause people do it cause theyre like 'its realistic! thats how people look down there and its not bad or s/xual for people to draw that!' and im like

what world are you all living in where people have huge b/lges down there sticking out like a bendy straw in a short mug

like im not shaming the art like i fully agree that its fine for people to draw and if theyre proud of it then hell yes but like. you cant tell me thats realistic lol

[thoughts-and-all-that]

people will make a big deal about anything bruh like

'oh yall are r/cist for not caring about this because hes a rapper' no bro i dont care cause its celebrity drama lmaooo

'but its not celebrity drama its blah blah blah' its celebrity drama. theyre two mega famous people and theres something happening between them where one or both are saying or doing bad things to/about the other.

idgaf who they are or what theyre doing, im not wasting my time caring about celebrity drama. i never cared about either of their music. not because theyre rappers, i like rap, but because i just dont care about their music specifically

[thoughts-and-all-that]

you gave me the best weekend of my life, you know.

my dad was going on a business trip in a state that was right next to yours, though i remember it still took you guys 5 hours to drive to the city, and 9 hours for me and my family. isnt it crazy how big this country is? we arent even on the larger half of it, either.

when i first saw you, i was scared. i was paranoid and young, and you were the first person from online i had ever met in person, despite my years of befriending people online. im glad it was you. it couldnt have ever been anyone else.

i was scared maybe i was lied to, that somehow it wasnt you, but i knew it was. i was a scared mentally ill kid and i was in the beginnings of something we both know got worse, and ill never stop being sorry for how i treated you when it did. you never deserved that, and it was never your fault. i shouldnt have done what i did, i shouldnt have.

i remember that first while was awkward, but itd be weird if it wasnt, right?

our first stop had to have been the bird sanctuary, i believe. so many birds of all kinds, and there was even bats! both of our favorite animals in one building, though i dont think the specific breeds we loved. that was okay. it was my first and only time seeing my favorite animal in person, it was amazing.

i remember there was a flying simulator in there, a both high budget and low budget game, if that makes sense. i mean, we had to lay on a t shaped person sized controller, which was wild! but the actual graphics of the cityscape we were meant to fly through were low quality. it was amazing. i remember you crashed, but i didnt. ive always dreamt of being able to fly.

and i remember that the penguin habitat had a dome in the middle that people could climb through a small tunnel into, and we were in there together, and looking at the penguins.

it mustve been that night that you came back to my hotel room, and we watched my favorite show on the couch, using my much too expensive laptop. i remember the deal we made that i didnt keep up my end of, where we watched eachothers favorite shows. im sorry i didnt like yours. i was glad you loved mine.

i dont remember if we saw eachother for most of the next day, i hope we did. the timeline blurs for me, but thats okay, because the timeline isnt what matters.

the boat ride matters. i know i wasnt originally meant to go on it with you guys, but i hope you think of it fondly like i do regardless.

i didnt like really any of the food they put in front of us, but thats not new for me. it only mattered in that single moment when it happened. when dinner was over and everyone was free to go about the boat, we mustve seen so much of it.

your mom and my mom were talking the whole time, trying to keep an eye on us, and taking pictures of us. i hope my mom enjoyed the boat ride, she didnt get to have many experiences like that the last few years of her life. i hate that that only happened 3 years before she died, and its been almost 6 years for me. time is a curse.

we kept trying to avoid them at the time, of course. we were teenagers on a trip away from our homes on a boat ride together down a river, we didnt want our moms watching us. we had to keep traveling about until they finally stopped watching, and it led us to sitting on the top deck, staring off of into the beautiful night lights of that mountain city.

i even remember that at some point the announcer pointed out an abandoned asylum against the river, and we thought it was one that was featured on our favorite ghost hunting show, though i now believe that it wasnt, as when i tried to find it later, i couldnt find that episode. i love the excitement we had, though.

we talked so much, in our special way. i remember i even asked you such a silly question, if people could walk on water when time is stopped. they definitely cant, but we made a whole thing of it.

we even kissed a few times.

at some point we traveled back to the main hall, and it was empty except for the guy in charge of the music. we cuddled together on a seat against the window, watching the city go by. i remember i had you ask if he had any songs from one of my favorite artists, though he only had her most popular song, which i guess makes sense.

i dont think my mom wouldve been upset if she had seen us, but i know your mom wouldve been. does she still not know youre queer? she doesnt need to know, anyway.

you had to go back home after that night, and thats okay. i missed you so much when you did, and all i did for the remainder of the trip was sit in my hotel room and play on my laptop.

maybe its simple looking back, maybe youve had better times since, but for me it was everything. it still is, but only because ive never had better.

i still think of you when i hear breakup songs and think of relationships, even though we never dated. never the angry ones, i promise.

i know youve moved on, and im glad you have. youve been with him for a while, and i hope that means he treats you well. you deserve to be treated well.

i havent moved on because ive been stuck in the past in so many ways for years. when you started talking to me again a few months ago, it drove me insane for the first few weeks, but ive gotten better since. ive been dealing with my past a lot lately, trying to heal.

not heal from you, of course. you never did really anything to hurt me, it was all me. there was only one thing you ever said, but it was my fault it even came up. i know you dont even feel that way anymore.

i feel bad for my future partners, i wonder if they can even top that, honestly. i hope they do, because it would be weird if i constantly compared them to a relationship i had when i was a teenager, but i just wonder. i also dont want to have peaked back then.

but really, regardless of all of that, im glad it happened. ive had good memories and ive had tons of bad, but you gave me my best. youre the person ive been closest to in my life, ever. we arent close anymore, and we never can be again the way we used to be, but thats okay. as long as youre happy, thats okay. i hope i can be happy too.

thank you. for everything.

[thoughts-and-all-that]

what the fuck do you mean

[thoughts-and-all-that]

just remembered the people on a post who were unironically calling me a nazi because i said i hate the 'modern art' thing where people paint a circle on a canvas or tape a banana on a wall and these things sell for sometimes millions of dollars. like, sorry? it just feels like a mockery to the people who spend hours and hours on art that goes unnoticed or unmonetized. also its absolutely rich people nonsense lets be real

also im jewish so it is like. a smack in the face the way that people throw around the word nazi like its a light thing to say

[thoughts-and-all-that]

— Carol Rifka Brunt in Tell The Wolves I'm Home

[thoughts-and-all-that]

making this post literally just so the most recent post on the blog isnt a gross one anymore

[thoughts-and-all-that]

just in case, by some miracle, that this is found by someone: WARNING: GROSS!!!!!!

just had a really gross vagına experience! it probably isnt specific to that more like i hope just a general hair thing, but it happened specifically on that area, on the front part anyway, just the skin part.

a few months ago i found a strange black bump on my skin there, but it wasnt like, a bump bump, more like something had grown in my skin and the surface of it was different from my skin, like... embedded. like an embedded gem but it wasnt a gem it was some... thing.

i kept trying to dig at it and take pictures to know what i was dealing with, it was really frustrating cause my camera wouldnt focus, blah blah

and then just now for some reason that area REALLY hurt while i was walking around my house, so i get back to my room in a hurry and see why, still dont know why, but i realized that its been months and that thing was still there, i tried to get more pictures just in case to see if it had changed, it hadnt, and then i finally said FUCK IT even if it hurts im getting whatever it is out of my fucking body, which i know i tried months ago but it didnt work, i had only injured myself instead, but this time it worked!

and it was just... gunk. the tiniest, itty bit of gunk thats been scaring me for months now. i was scared it was those cancer moles people talk about sometimes, but now i think maybe it was just an ingrown hair or something. im hoping so

so anyway that was fucking stupid! time to forget that ever happened forever

[thoughts-and-all-that]

you can tell im having a mentall illness moment cause an online stranger is DMing me to ask if im okay and i rage quit a server cause someone was being stupid and another person from that server sent me a friend request

im just embarassing myself and i should just. go to sleep already