#this happened probably over a year ago now i havent thought about it since it happened

[arielluva]

grief is such a weird emotion bc i can be fine most of the time even if it think about it, but then sometimes thinking about it digs it up all over again

[thoughts-and-all-that]

just remembered the people on a post who were unironically calling me a nazi because i said i hate the 'modern art' thing where people paint a circle on a canvas or tape a banana on a wall and these things sell for sometimes millions of dollars. like, sorry? it just feels like a mockery to the people who spend hours and hours on art that goes unnoticed or unmonetized. also its absolutely rich people nonsense lets be real

also im jewish so it is like. a smack in the face the way that people throw around the word nazi like its a light thing to say

[lookingoutforstarrs]

first kiss with hamzah!

° ♡ •

-you had to be the one to initiate y’all’s first kiss, and on that note you had to teach him how to kiss lol

-he was sooooo super nervous about it

-it happened when y’all were hanging out at a park. it was almost sunset and you were originally there with y’all’s friend group but because of how late it was getting, everyone except you and hamzah left

-y’all’s friends definitely did that on purpose to make him nervous lolol

-he was rambling to you, trying to make it seem like he wasn’t nervous at all, even though you could tell. he wasn’t keeping eye contact and he was stuttering like crazy.

-you were a little bit tipsy, from the drinks your friends brought earlier, but not drunk. it just gave you a little more courage.

-you had seen how he looked at you when he wasn’t careful. it seemed every time you turned around he was there, staring.

-you were attempting to make direct eye contact with him, following his eyes as he tried to break it.

-my boy was sweating bullets LMAO

‘hamzah,’ you interrupted

-he stopped fully and looked at you worriedly

‘uhhhhh, yea?’ he replied

-you two were both sitting down, you with your knees to your chest and him doing the same, facing away from each other

-you turned to him, shifting your weight onto one hip to face him.

-he didn’t know what you were going to say and that was driving him crazy.

‘you’ve been acting kinda weird lately’ you said, in a matter of fact tone.

-he choked on his air and coughed a little

‘really?? i havent tried to be weird or……anything’ he replies, not looking at you

-its true though, and he knows it. you two have known each other since around 2021, when you first moved to Toronto. you were an online personality like he was, so y’all quickly met because of mutual friends in the area

-he knew you were cute, but when y’all first met his crush wasn’t that big. but over the years and getting to know you, he only fell harder.

-you were one of the smartest, kindest, and funniest people he knew. plus he thought you were very hot and he brought it up to martin a lot, trusting him to keep his secret.

‘whats been on your mind?’ you ask, looking him in the eye, staring too deep for his liking

‘well…um,’ he replied, feeling as though you were staring into his soul. ‘i dunno.’

-you huff, not the answer you were looking for. you had liked hamzah since you met him. and you knew he liked you because mandy spilled the beans one day.

‘i feel like you’re just acting strange around me,’ you stated, ‘is it something i did?’

-his heart sank.

‘nonononono,’ he reassures, ‘its nothing you did, you’re fine. its just- i dont know how to put it.’ he says looking down and slightly blushing.

-you think about how you can get this man to spill, and you turn over ideas in your head. you two sit in silence for a moment.

‘y’know, mandy did tell me something a couple months ago, ‘ you say in a knowing tone.

-his heart immediately starts going 100 miles a minutes, remembering that if martin hears something, he cant keep his mouth shit around mandy.

-you and mandy are very close friends, so she would definitely tell you

‘oh…..what uh was it?’ he asked, visibly nervous.

‘its probably nothing now,’ you tease, ‘but she said that a couple months ago you told martin that you had a crush on me.’

-he puts his face in his palms, knowing he cant hide his blush. cursing martin mentally.

‘oh yea um yea i definitely did bit its uh nothing now,’ he chokes out.

-you giggle at his reaction

‘you’re not acting like its nothing now,’ you laugh, looking at him all distraught.

-you laughing calms him, but then makes him 10 times more embarrassed because he doesn’t think you like him back.

-he turns to face you

‘look y/n i did kinda have a crush on you but only for a little bit! i swear its nothing now and everything’s cool and please dont be mad-,’ he rambles on like this for a good minute, trying to lessen the blow of rejection.

‘hamzah.’ you say, again making deep eye contact that makes him nervous.

‘umm yes?’ he says, his voice slightly cracking.

‘have you ever kissed anyone before?’ you ask blushing.

-this throws him wayyyyyy off guard. he’s beet red now, and kinda sweaty lol. he has only ever gotten close to kissing someone, never actually doing it. he’s scared to admit that, but he knows, as a friend, that you wouldn’t judge him.

‘um,’ he coughs, ‘no actually.’

‘can i kiss you?’ you ask boldly, also beet red by this point. you’ve never been so bold with someone in your life.

‘what? um if you want i dunno-,’ he attempts to ramble out of nervousness again but you stop him by putting a hand on his cheek.

-he instantly stops talking to face you, his heart beating out of his chest.

-you slowly move your face closer to his, admiring it as you inch close.

-you softly put your lips to his to test the waters

-his years long pent up emotions come out all at once, and he deepens the kiss.

-its rushed and juvenile but it feels so peaceful.

-you kiss for a beat longer and pull away slowly, his head following yours, not ready for this kiss is to be over.

-be looks you in the eyes and stares for a minute, wondering if you felt the same way the whole time. how could someone like you like him?? you were perfect in his eyes.

‘holy shit’

[onlyjaeyun]

i’ve been following ur writing for some time now and i do have to agree with that anon who said you did CH dirty. you are a very talented writer so it’s just hard to watch.

you started off CH so strong with the lore and little chapters here and there but as it progressed you kind of just got lazy and it shows. when important events happened in the story, they weren’t conveyed through writing but through the texts (ie the riki and yn fight, that was definitely worth a written chapter) and it was honestly disappointing.

the ending isn’t much to say about either. yn and hoon barely go through development after the letter incident and all of a sudden they’re dating and married with a kid like two chapters later?

idk, if it was a mental health issue then i get that but even then you should’ve just gave it a break and thought everything out more. you could do so much better.

thank you for the feedback!

i wanna put you through the progess of a piece of writing from the POV of a writer okay? now keep in mind: i work two jobs, am a fulltime uni student and the daughter of an immigrant household with two parents who still work most of the day just so you know what else i have to deal with, besides my mental health okay?

now, i started off CH strong right? yes. i uploaded on the daily, fine i chose that. a chapter usually takes me around one hour if i actually sit down and focus on nothing but the chapter itself, which includes IG stories, editing, formatting etc. alright

on top of the daily chapters, i constantly replied to 40+ asks a day, a blessing in disguise because no matter how much i enjoy talking to you guys, the pressure does get worse the bigger that number of my inbox becomes, i hope this makes sense

now, i started CH back in october, right when my semester started, thats why i started off strong but as time went on, my assignments and private life got too busy and i guess i felt entitled enough as a writer to skip a few certain chaps and make life a little easier for me by making them regular chapters instead of written ones.

and this is gonna be my main point: i'm not a machine. i wrote a minimum of 5 THOUSAND words per written chapter, MINIMUM. we're talking about a 5-9 THOUSANDED worded chapter EACH WEEK. which usually took me about 6-7 hours, even allnighters.

yes, i chose to do that and maybe my time management wasn't the best but i had to create a compromise where i wouldnt have let you guys wait for over two months which would have resulted in me losing my motivation completely, and yet still focusing on EXAMS. because you know, i'm a fulltime uni student with TWO jobs ����‍💨

if YOU think i did CH dirty go write an alternative ending yourself but it should be a minimum of 15 chapters including 5 written ones, with at LEAST 9k words each yeah? i wanna see you manage it all, pls prove me wrong snd show me you're better than me i'm genuinely begging bc it might inspire me to do "better" next time.

as a writer/artist/creator, and i can tell you probably arent one yourself or havent been one for long, the longer smth takes to come to an end the worse the pressure becomes which results in a blockage i dont wish upon my worst enemy i'm being deadass. i dealt with some of the worst writer's block ive had since i started writing literally 12 years ago and you're telling me i should have just "taken a break" and do "better"

i never, ever expected anything from anyone but some of you are so entitled to a writer's time and skill it's giving me a headache. maybe you didn't like the timing and writing of the last few chapters of CH and i guess that's unfortunate but this was so unnecessary because you completely dismissed everything else that could have been going on in my life and even belittled my mental health issues like im some fucking AI writing machine

do better, be nicer, write it yourself if you don't like it i'm so fucking over this

if i had gotten out of my own comfort and wellbeing and have actually written another set of written chapters i would have burned myself completely out. ive been in this fandom for not even a year and have already finished FOUR smaus with 50 chapters each, you do NOT get to tell me what i should or could have done better because you dont even give a fuck about me as a person this is just about receiving what YOU think YOURE entitled to but this is MY art and I will do what I see fit even if it's not what was expected of it because i'm a fucking human being with a life before i'm a writer on tumblr

oh, also: i do this for free ㅤ:) just a reminder :) this is my HOBBY :)

and don't you EVER call me lazy again when it comes to writing because i'm not gonna pour my heart and soul into a fic just for you to call me lazy when i literally wrote 50 THOUSAND words for this fucking fic just for the written chapters

goodbye

[burnedwriter]

‘’too late’’

A/n:ft xiao,childe and diluc.These are some headcanons of how their worst nightmare came to life,your death

warnings:angst,mention of death,gender-neutral language used.

🐋childe/tartaglia

🐋Childe is a harbinger as we all know so he probably has a lot of enemies or people trying to get him and if its not directly him that means they will come after you,to hit him exactly were it hurts the most.

🐋That’s one of the many reasons he has taught you how to fight in the first place,just in case something like this happens when hes away on a mission,but is this really enough to keep you from harms way.

🐋One day he will come against a gloomy discovery that was about to unfold as he came back to your home.

Walking towards the house,he saw footprints going towards your house.It took him a second to realize what was going on from the shock,thinking of the worst case scenario,his heart started beating loudly as he rushed towards the house as fast as he could.

‘‘shit shit shit’‘he whispered to himself all the negative thoughts circling around in his mind,he hoped to see you peacefully reading your book but that was far from the truth.

bursting through the door he saw you sitting up with your back against the wall one hand holding the bloody sword and the other pressing on the big wound you had on you abdomen.He immediatly run on your side trying to get you to get up.

‘‘please get up ,i need to get you to safety’‘he choked,his voice shaky tears threatening to escape from his eyes,his worst nightmare coming to life as he continued to try and get you to stand up.

‘‘Ajax,its ok ,please it’s too late now’‘you struggled to say,your hand leaving the sword and putting it on his head,stroking his hair softly one last time as he put his head in the crook of your neck,sobbing quietly staining your shoulder with tears,it was the first time you saw childe cry,it always broke your heart seeing him in pain but it was too late now the only thing you could do was hold him in your warm embrace as it slowly turned cold,taking your last breath.

🦉Diluc

🦉Just like childe he has many enemies but in diluc’s case it’s the fatui he has to look out for.Even though he had run ins with them years ago he still has an eye out for them since they are scattered all over mondstadt.

🦉Diluc was always  cautious about you going out on your own without supervision aka him being your bodyguard but in response to that you always said that everything was going to be ok and there was nothing to worry about.

🦉Not until today....

🦉Coming back to the winery he sensed something was off,getting greeted by Adeline instead of you was a rare sight as it only happened when you were sick or extremly tired.

‘‘Master diluc,please dont panic with what i am about to say’‘Adeline nervously said,making Diluc’s heart skip beats and drop in an instant even without Adeline telling him but let her finished anyways as he didnt want to jump to conclusion.

‘‘they havent come back’‘she said with the same anxious tone in her voice.

‘‘I wil go look for them’‘Diluc said calmly.He may looked calm and collected on the outside but on the inside he could feel his soul wither as time passed.

Leaving the winery in a haste,he got on his horse and off he was,the first location he went to was mondstadt,trying desperatly to ask people about your whereabouts or if they have seen you at all but  it was late at night so the only people to ask where the knights at the main gate.The knights telling diluc that they saw you leave the city and take the road that lead towards the winery.Taking the same path diluc’s body slowly started getting overtaken by stress as he saw no sight of you.

Suddenly he saw a person laying in the middle of the pathath.

‘‘no it can’t be’‘diluc whispered out loud,getting closer and realizing who the person was.Getting off his horse he sprinted towards you.

He breathed heavily as he held you lifeless corpse on his hand,tears streaming down his cheeks,shaking you desperatly to ‘’wake up’’ as he couldnt believe that you were dead right before his very own eyes,regretting his desition letting you go out alone.From all the shaking,diluc noticed that you were holding something on your half closed hand,taking it off he saw that it was a fatui insignia.Did you try to fight back?or did they placed it there on purpose knowing that diluc would find you eventually.His grief slowly turned into burning hatred.Taking you into his arms and taking you back to the winery for a proper burial.

‘‘i won’t let them get away with it,i promise’‘stroking your face softly one last time,starting to plot his revenge for what they did to avenge you.

🍃😠Xiao

🍃😠Now Xioa he was always scared and very cautious when you were away traveling before coming back to liyue to stay for a bit and leaving again to continue your travels again.You would sent him letters knowing your were abouts with photos of beautiful scenary that you took from  the places you are visiting.

🍃😠He told you to call out his name no matter how dangerous the situation was and that he will be there for you  no matter what.

🍃😠Unlike the others Xiao never saw you die.He realized it when latern rite happened,you always came to liyue around that time to visit and pass time with him as it was the aniversary where the two of you officially became a couple.

This time was different,you never showed up during latern rite nor he recieved any letters from you that you werent going to make it this year’s latern rite nor the next nor the one after that,At first he thought you found someone else but he realized that wasnt thecase,Xiao quickly realized that your luck might have caught up to you.He felt devistated he wasnt even able to say goodbye to you,the ;ast conversation you two had running on rpeat inside his head over and over again remembering the last location you were going to visit before you left.Getting up from where he was sitting he decide that he was going to find you no matter what.

[year2000electronics]

Ok so what’s shimmer relationship like with the main cast like in the brotherhood au?

RUBS HANDS TOGETHER EVILLY. I ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING I WROTE A WHILE BACK ABT SHIM AND THE BROTHERS. HEHEHEHEHEEEE

i havent gotten to the outcasts Yet but. one day. i'll put it below the cut!!

“You probably don’t remember me, but-”

That was the first thing Shimmer had decided to say to baby Branch- no, it was just Branch now, wasn’t it? No matter how hard she looked at him, she could still only see the hopeful, gleaming eyes and the sweet smile as that kid she had come to briefly know so many years ago. It was a tough habit to kick- and the other members of the village clearly had a leg up on her with that.

“No, I remember you!” He replied, swinging his hands back and forth as the two of them walked through the village together. “Johnny doesn’t talk about you anymore, not really, but I remember going over to your pod!”

Shimmer tried her best not to seem too desperate for knowledge. Johnny? Her Johnny? Well- formerly hers. Not anymore? She knew it, he hated her, dammit, why did she come here-

“Oh, yeah? That so?” She laughed quietly. “Gosh, you’d make a mess of the place… you were so cute.”

“Yeah…” Branch said, looking off to the side. He was clearly quite a bit surprised, hearing someone talk about him through their sole memories of him being a baby. “It’s… been a long time since then, though.”

“I know, I know,” Shimmer assured quickly. “You’re all grown up now. And it makes me feel… very old.” She gave a laugh to shrug it off, but… it was true. Staring her in the face was the very sobering realization that it had been nearly two decades… Two decades since she had seen any of these people. And yet, somehow, despite Branch going from a baby to an adult…

…It felt like he had changed the least.

“Well- you don’t look very old,” Branch chirped. “Not to me.”

Shimmer looked back at him with a sort of sad smile, combing her hair out of her face.

“...You’re sweet, kid,” She mumbled. 

“No, really! You look Johnny’s age, and he’s not old, so… you’re not old either, right?” Branch grinned. He thought his logic was flawless, clearly. 

Shimmer snorted. “Is that how you see it?”

“Yup.”

Shimmer laughed, and decided to leave it at that. Branch’s peculiar little sense of humor did amuse her, to be sure. 

“So-” Shimmer asks after a bit of silence. “Do you mind if I ask you something, ah… a bit personal, kid?”

“Depends,” Branch said with a shrug. “What is it?”

“What was it like? Growing up here, I mean,” Shimmer asked.

Branch paused for a moment, to think about it. He looked up at the sky, down at the ground, every which way, except at her.

“Normal, I guess?” He shrugged. “We’re safe here, and I had my brothers. I don’t know what else a guy could want.”

Shimmer supposed she should have expected an answer like that. Of course Branch would see everything as deceptively normal. From the time she spent at the village, she didn’t exactly discover any blood sacrifices or chaos magic rituals happening behind closed doors or anything, and even though John and his brothers had morphed into slightly mythic figures, they weren’t referred to as His Holiness or anything. 

“Guess so,” Shimmer replied. “I was just… gone for so long, I’ve been curious, I suppose. About all the changes.”

“There aren’t that many,” Branch mumbled.

“No?”

“No.”

That’s what Branch’s mouth said. But his eyes told a different story. 

—---------------------- 

Shimmer sat down in Bruce’s pod, staring him down. 

His hand automatically moved to grab some matchmaker’s tarot cards when Shimmer lowered it before he could.

He glanced up at her, confused.

“Don’t,” She grunted. “I’m not here for that. I don’t even want to know.”  The sooner she could stop Bruce from doing the matchmaking thing, the better. There was a whole nest of hornets there- and whatever he said about her “potential prospects” would just remind her that a part of her never moved on from John Dory. 

“Then-” Bruce furrowed his brow, leaning back. “What are you here for?”

Shimmer gave him a surprised glance. “For you. Is that so hard to believe?”  

Bruce scoffed, leaning on one of his hands as he pressed his elbow onto the table. “Usually people come to the matchmaker’s pod because they want their match made, miss Shimmer. And yet, here you are, asking for me and not even wanting a match while you’re here! I think that makes you the strange one.”

Shimmer groaned. “Neither of us are strange, Bruce, don’t play this game with me-” 

Bruce laughed. “Oh, man- I did miss this. How is it that I’m always able to get under your skin?”

“I don’t know, you little devil-” Shimmer snorted. She cleared her throat, combing some hair out of her face. “But- that’s the only part that feels like it hasn’t changed, after all this time. What’s someone like you doing with a job like… this?”

Bruce frowned. “Are you trying to imply this isn’t a real job? The village won’t like that.”

Shimmer furrowed her brow, putting a hand up. “That’s not what I said. I mean- this job feels so prestigious. And everyone I asked about you immediately followed ‘Bruce’ up with ‘The matchmaker’. Doesn’t that… bother you at all?”

“Would it really matter if it did?” Bruce said with a shrug. 

“I mean-!” Shimmer gave an exasperated sigh. “I… I just want to understand. Everyone here is used to this, used to you all being leaders, I was just…” She shrugged. “I guess I was just hoping an old friend might be able to help me stop sticking out like a sore thumb.”

Bruce frowned, studying Shimmer’s face and body language. She seemed to be sincere, though her pride clearly held her back from just straight-up begging. And he did feel quite a bit bad for her… it was true that Bruce and Shimmer had been pretty close back when he was Spruce, and back when Shimmer was “JD’s girl”. They got on each others’ nerves endlessly, but that was almost part of the charm.

…He could use something like that again, perhaps. Nowadays, the only teasing he could get away with was either to Baby Branch or doing something so subtle to JD and Floyd that most other people shouldn’t be able to notice. 

“...Being a matchmaker is fine,” Bruce began to speak. “I’m rarely ever wrong, I’ll have you know. People trust me, and I like that. It feels… good to be trusted, I guess.”

He took out a tarot card from his deck, studying it. “I mean- I’m trusted for manners of romance, friendship, intimacy… But nobody is puttin’ pressure onto me to be a leader. In a way, I guess… I’ve got the best job in town.” 

“Still,” Shimmer said quietly. “I wouldn’t mind hanging out with Bruce-the-man instead of Bruce-the-matchmaker. If you can bear taking some time off your busy schedule.”

Bruce tilted his head noncommittally. “I’ll think about it. Gotta keep up appearances, y’know. That’s a big part of everything.” 

“I guess,” Shimmer half heartedly agreed. “Not that I’d know.”

“It’s good that you don’t,” Bruce replied, an oddly soft tone in his voice. So soft that Shimmer dare not toe the line and ask him to elaborate on that. Her absence of a question, though, left the two of them sitting in the candlelit room in silence.

“...So what’s the story behind the new name?” Shimmer asked to break it.

“Eh,” Bruce waved a hand casually. “I wanted a reinvention.”

Shimmer paused, mulling that over. “It suits you,” She said, finally. 

“Thanks,” Bruce smirked. He held up a hand, tilting it towards her. Between his fingers was a tarot card.

“Hey! I thought I told you not to do the matchmaking thing!” Shimmer protested with a frown.

“Relax, miss Shimmer,” Bruce replied coyly. “This one’s just about your social standing.” 

She took the card from him, studying it- oh. It was The Star.

“It means renewal,” Bruce said simply.

—--------------------------

“Morning, Floyd. I’d apologize for interrupting but I feel like that ship’s sailed already,” Shimmer grunted, going to sit on a mat near where Floyd was meditating.

He cracked an eye open, glancing over at her. “...Shimmer,” He said with a simple nod.  

She began stretching her legs, grunting every so often- this type of stuff didn’t come as easy to her as she wanted it to. 

“...Why did you come back?” Floyd asked bluntly. That made Shimmer stop in her tracks, glancing over at the younger troll with a befuddled look on her face.

Floyd put his hands up in a gesture of false surrender. “I don’t mean it like that! Don’t misunderstand! It’s just… one doesn’t just wander back into a place like this without reason.”

“Well- it’s home,” Shimmer admitted, bending down to touch her toes. “I was feeling… disoriented. Like I had lost myself. I didn’t know where else to go, so… I came back home.”

“Yeah, sure, but… you said it yourself. This place has changed. So, I guess, a better question would be… what made you stay?” Floyd asked as he bent himself into a different position. His tone was casual and calm, but there was a certain hunger in his eyes that let Shimmer know that he was very invested in this line of conversation. 

Shimmer’s mouth went dry. That… that was a good question. Especially since Floyd was playing a bit of a dangerous game, where she would make a major social faux pas if she wasn’t careful- Floyd was implying that someone coming to the village and staying there was strange. Of course, it was a perfectly safe place, but Shimmer knew she and Floyd both could feel the gated-community vibe of the village where nobody ever comes in and nobody ever comes out. She counted herself damn lucky that they even let her in at all. 

“...I suppose I’d say- it’s because some part of this place didn’t change,” Shimmer mumbled. 

“Really?” Floyd asked, stretching one of his legs to the sky.

“Really. That’s what keeps me here… I think. It’s all very confusing, this new village stuff, but when I look at all my old friends here… I guess I can’t help but see the boys I used to know,” Shimmer bashfully said as if she was admitting a crime. 

“So you really believe that…” Floyd said quietly. “And- is it the same with me?”

“Sure it is,” Shimmer said, rolling over to be on her stomach as she grabbed one of her legs. “You were always the one who sat in the back, weren’t you? Just… watching. Soaking it all in. I still see a lot of that in you today. With Branch and Bruce, too, the more I talk to them, the more I realize there’s still parts of you I’ve met before.”

She sighed. “Stupid, I know.” 

“No, I don’t think it’s stupid at all…” Floyd replied. “I… I think it’s kinda nice, actually.” 

He smiled, looking up at the roof of the large cave they called home. He let the moment sit for a bit.

“Sometimes… I don’t really feel like that boy anymore. I don’t feel like I was ever him at all. It’s… confusing, I guess,” Floyd said at last.

“Ugh, tell me about it-” Shimmer grunted, stretching out another one of her joints. “I was looking at an old poster of myself yesterday, and it was like- who WAS she?” 

Floyd gave a gentle little laugh. “I guess we’re more alike than we thought, then. It’s… nice.”

“I don’t get to talk to people much about this stuff,” Floyd continued. “Me, Johnny and the others try to be strong… for the village. So- it just… doesn’t come up.”

Shimmer gave him a nervous glance. “I’m not stepping over a line, am I? You’d tell me if I broke some sort of village rule. You would. Right?”

“Calm down,” Floyd squeaked desperately. “You’re fine.” 

Shimmer sighed. “Sorry… sorry. It’s just-”

“A lot, yeah,” Floyd finished. “That’s the village for you.”

—-------------------------

Shimmer was never sure if it was her place to mourn Clay or not. She had known him once, but at the same time, that was a long time ago. Was it illogical that she felt like she didn’t deserve to mourn him like his brothers did? Maybe. But she couldn’t change how she felt.

Still, that wouldn’t stop her from leaving some lily-of-the-valleys near his memorial spot every now and again. 

“Sorry I missed you, Clay,” She murmured. “I would have liked to have gotten to know who you grew into.”

—---------------

Shimmer wasn’t looking forward to this. She wasn’t looking forward to any of this. In fact, she had taken extreme, deliberate steps to avoid this from happening.

But what she hadn’t accounted for was bumping into John Dory on his stupid shitty morning walk, DAMMIT- 

He dusted himself off, clearly taking on a facial expression that was preparing for an apology, only for him to realize exactly who it was he had bumped into. Right- the troll he hadn’t talked to since he initially told the village to let her in.

Oh, yeah.

Also, his ex. 

“...Shimmer,” He was the first one to cut through the silence as he looked up at her, adjusting his scarf. “You look… well.”

Shimmer scoffed, looking away. “You and I both know that’s a gross exaggeration.”

John frowned as she looked away. That caught her eye. She coughed, immediately trying to steer the ship of a conversation back on topic. Much as this was her old flame… this guy was also someone she clearly didn’t want to get on the bad side of. Best not to get… too testy.

“But- other than looking like I rolled out of bed basically every day, I’ve been-” She sighed. “Fine. How about… you? How- uh- how have you been?” 

John Dory blinked once or twice, not expecting her to turn the question back on him. “Me? Oh, yes, I’ve been great, as usual. Never a bad day here in the village. Heh. You haven’t… been having any trouble, have you? I know the villagers can get a bit testy with… ‘new’ people.”

Shimmer shook her head no, folding her arms. “No, it’s been fine. Just… just fine.”

“Good… and you’ve been behaving too… right?” He said- although his tone was light as a feather, he knew the underlying meaning in what he said- here was a girl he had been close with before she disappeared- She could drag him back down to feeling mortality, be so casual with him in a way he hadn’t felt from anyone besides his brothers in years- and if she wanted to disprove his lie, he’d have to put whatever feelings he still had for her aside. For the sake of the village.

“You think so low of me, John,” Shimmer scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Yes, I’ve been behaving. I’m a guest here- guests follow the host’s policies, and they’re thankful. That’s how I was raised.”

“Good!” JD chirped. “I wasn’t too worried about that,” He lied. It slipped naturally off his tongue as smooth as butter. 

Shimmer paused, looking him up and down some more. He looked at her looking at him, waiting to see her reaction and cautiously preparing for it.

“...It’s a bit of a different look for you, I’ll admit, but… I don’t hate it,” Shimmer spoke with a shrug. “The red looks nice.”

John laughed, flicking an earring. “Ahhh- thank you. It does, doesn’t it? I’ll admit, your look was a bit surprising, too. You’ve really changed, I almost didn’t-”

He paused, not wanting to finish the sentence… but Shimmer knew what he was going to say.

I almost didn’t recognize you. 

She knew that’s what he wanted to say, because she thought it when she first saw him.

Jeez, what were they? They used to be a teen hot couple, the poster boy and poster girl for puppy-love… But here she was, a disgraced pop troll who couldn’t sing… and there he was. The hero and saviour of an entire village. 

It was more obvious to her now than it was to her than that him even noticing her at all was… nothing but a stroke of luck. A fluke. There he was, brilliant, important, in control… And then there was her. A total mess. A flop. She felt like an intruder in the village, and now, being face-to-face with JD only made things worse. In every other brother, she saw that past part of them she once knew, but with John, she felt like she was only reminded of her own insecurities, her own failings. 

She swerved past him, eyes firmly trained onto the ground.

“I’ll get out of your way, John,” She mumbled half-heartedly, trying to just put a miserable end to the conversation and stop her mind from attacking herself so loudly. But as soon as she started walking, she found herself unable to keep going. Locked around her arm was none other than JD’s hand. She glanced back, looking at him in confusion.

“Wait,” He started. “...Come over to my pod sometime. You, ah, need to update me more on how you’re settling in. Yes. As the village leader… it’s part of my responsibilities, y’know? So- don’t leave me hanging.”

Shimmer’s breath caught in her throat. She hated the idea of seeing him more, and yet, the fact that he had requested her presence specifically… It made her heart skip a beat. 

“...Sure, yes,” She replied quietly.

She expected John to let her go at this point, but he kinda just kept staring at her in silence for a while. Somehow, she found herself staring back.

“...I’ve missed you,” He confessed with a breathy whisper. 

Shimmer tried to muster back a reply, but words failed her. She tried again, and again-

“I didn’t even think that was possible,” She finally said back. 

[slaasherslut]

I need to do a little rant because im losing my mind over this and im frustrated. Ill probably delete it later

So the job im working right now isnt permanent but im a permanent employee. I work a specific job in a factory in the afternoon shift but that shift doesnt run the entire year so im laid off like 1/3 of the year. Two weeks ago I saw a job opening in another location for a job thats perfect for someone in my position. Its basically doing inventory and id be guaranteed work all year round. I thought it would be perfect for me to move up and get better work. I applied for it immediately. Days go by and I hear nothing. No calls, no emails, nothing at all. I was confused since I was told everyone interal was being interviewed. I didnt go to work today because i was at home with cramps and my mom came home (she does the same thing i do except on the morning shift) and she was told they had be interviewing for that position already for quite some time, some people already having second interviews. From what ive heard from her, the person doing the hiring was calling the managers of all the internal people applying. I dont know why they did that, it should be none of their business, but they did it anyway. My manager obviously said something to them so they wouldnt interview me. I was the only internal applicant that wasnt interviewed. My guess is that i was needed where i am now and she cant have me leave. My manager has a habit of sabotaging peoples job opportunities and im not surprised she did it to me. I even laughed to my mom telling her "im the only person on my shift who can do my job. I bet im not gonna get it because of that. My manager will make sure of that." And look what happened. Im just so frustrated. The months that im laid off i struggle to pay my bills so i need a new job. Ive been applying for a year and a half with almost nothing to show for it. Then an internal job shows up that is perfect for me, more hours, and better pay. But my manager is too selfish and she ruined this one single chance i had in this horrible job economy. I havent had many chances, no one has from what i can tell. Im so mad i dont even wanna go to work tomorrow. This is the same manager thats bullied me since the day i started and ive made so many complaints and nothing has happened. Im just so fed up and im so tired. But i have no other options. I just know when i complain about this tomorrow that im probably gonna have a break down over it. Im so sick of this.

[ohfuckvibeogames]

Here I Abandon

Slightly messy fiction about looking at the sun.

_______________

You're on your elbows and knees in front of his throne, facing off to the side. You're being used as a footrest, Miquella's legs pressing into your back, and you're sweating and shaking from exhaustion and the nervousness of him touching you. And in a moment of weakness you glance over at him and see his face for a moment with your left eye before frantically staring back at the floor again, like you have been for the past 20 hours a day every day for the past three years. It was just a small glance, only for a second, Miquella probably doesn't even mind if you look at him, but for you it felt like you violated him. Even if just for a moment. You spend the rest of your day feeling like you have to throw up, nauseous and full of dread. At the end of the day, rather than passing out as soon as you can like normal, you force yourself up and touch your face. You had considered it before, in the flash of thoughts while you regretted sullying his visage, but now you decided to pay penance and make sure it wouldn't happen again. At first, you tried to cut across it and use a spirit to do finish it, it made sense, if wandering sight was the problem, getting rid of sight in that eye would solve it. But it became clear that that wouldn't work, and despite the pain you realized you had to remove the offending part entirely. Popping it out was made harder by your failed first attempt, the split made it hard to get any angle yoy could press into it, not to mention the slick. But still you were suprised at how manageable it was to do, maybe the shock helped.

And, of course, you knew you were doing it for Him.

Clear immediately, you knew you'd have to pull it out further for any clean cut, you always figured it was more like a ball on a string, but it was more like a budding fruit or a teardrop, you had to pull it further to get to the stem. You knew it was too late to try and push it back now, but still you shuddered and cried wondering what would have happened if you had decided differently. Now; back then; three years ago when you were scooped up. No, you cannot abandon. You gingerly lift the dangling lump with the back of your finger. You cannot see anything but a smear and bright lights through it, your undamaged eye is blurred from tears. They havent stopped flowing since you started.

You raise the shears and inhale.

. . .

The severed lump rolled off your breast and fell into the floor with a thud. You don't hear it though, you can't breathe and you sieze on the floor grasping at your face uselessly. It takes time for you to stop, you know you wanted it, and you feel guilty for not going into it with full love and devotion. Your pain and regret are betrayal, so you lay down and stare at the wall with your one remaining eye. The shock starts to wear off, and you feel yourself losing consciousness, letting yourself drift off laying in the puddle of blood and wet that you know you'll have to scrub off the floors the morning. You wonder what you'll do with the eye. If he'll say anything about it or acknowledge you at all. Say something to you, finally. Please

As you let yourself wander, one small thought ends up rising as you begin to drift off into nothing

What if your face's newfound assymetry offends Lord Miquella's grace? Meekly, on the other side, you touch your hand to your face again.

[astrallouis]

Question for Miles is a moron, what do you think the throat spray actually was? Do you think he actually thought it was covid protection? Do you think he knew it was nothing and just used his image to lie to his friends to get what he wanted?

GREAT fuckin question. i havent thought on it too much since id mostly seen it from the filmmaking perspective of acknowledging covid in-universe without the everything that came with early covid and no vaccines yet but now u have me thinking.

(this got so long so im gonna put it under the cut oops)

first i wanna say im really mostly talking out of my ass since that scene was the last concrete point abt covid we really have outside of mentions like why miles has the mona lisa lmaooo anyway:

like i said miles really is a moron. everything he takes credit for he either hires someone for, steals their work, or lets them interpret his bullshit (like lionel w the faxes). so i think theres a couple possibilities.

he almost definitely went to someone to develop the throat spray, and its possible he actually asked or expected it to be Real and actually protective. but it being so early in the pandemic and over a year before the irl vaccine wld come out they probably told him its not possible. and theres the point where he could have done a couple things.

he could have 1) pushed whoever to just make it work like we see so many bosses and rich assholes like to do and it IS actually protective [very unlikely but we REALLY dont know much about what happens after the movie covid wise and how far rian johnson changes reality here]

b) done the above and whoever he hired lies to him and says it works when it doesnt, and he believes it works like you mentioned [more likely, but thats putting a moral decision on a person i made up two paragraphs ago lol]

iii) they told him it wasnt possible and he just told them to make a placebo instead and knows its fake like you said, using his image as a genius to manipulate his friends [most likely in my opinion, given everything else he does]

i really do think the last one is what happened. the efficient man doesnt answer blanc's question about what the spray is. all he does is say “youre good,” put the little slap bracelet on blanc, and move on. and we dont know much of miles' actual opinions on masks and covid iirc, besides being friends with both ppl like lionel who properly masks up and asks for elbows instead of a hug from birdie, and with duke who doesnt wear one at all and is. ukno. him. so theres that

all of this to say. miles bron really is just an entitled asshole who thinks he makes change when he doesnt and doesnt care abt consequences. i personally think he actively knows the spray didnt do shit but couldnt stand the idea of going a year without getting his ego stroked by those shitheads and would do anything he “could” to make it happen. this is also the same guy who just sent the 50 people it takes to run the island “home” in the middle of the pandemic which has implications about commuting and pods i dont even want to go NEAR since this is already too long.

tldr: hes a moron AND a manipulating and gaslighting bitch. the spray was probably just saline or whatever and he knew it. shithead

[kaleidosouls]

hi. (pulls out uke)

IM JOKING but i havent posted here in forever huh, are ppl still around? i guess ill comment on like, whats been going in in the time i havent posted

so a long time ago now i wanted to like, cut off from twitter, so i deleted the kaleidosouls twitter, and wanted to keep my art stuff just on insta mostly, trying to move since twitter is a sinking ship right. then my instagram got deleted for no reason (and so did my pinterest that was ful of refs and honestly that was more upseting than insta getting deletedand losing all my art following)

ive been mildly caught up in IRL/college stuff in the meantime,having da depression, and the exec dysfunction same as awlays like. not much has actually been happening but ive been going acutally all over the place trying to figure out what im gonna do with my internet social media stuff. im looking into internships (other field) and im like, i havent given up being an artist professionally exactly but i think im like fuck it. fuck this like, building my Internet career or whatever. like, im gona wokr on my art portfolio and try to find art job stuf thats not really about how popular my art is on twitter or smth. none of that shit rly matters anymoer. same w here, i probably wouldve delted this tumblr if it wasnt the main like, blog so all my other blogs dpened on this one right.

im not like, done posting art online but ive been changing how im going about it and i still havent found my like, place yet. i did remake instagram, a main one and one for creature/pokemon stuff. idk im figuring out my life but i guess the main point is that its all a mess, and its not a disaster like things are going bad or anythin just that ive been in this inertia of disorder for a long time. im getting old. really tired lately, barely draw that much

i still rly love and am holding onto my personal ideas/projects that i want to execute oveer time altho they cant be a priority rn becuase of stuff in life. i got a really bad attention span so ill probably like, work on smth a lot for a few ays and then pick it up again in a year or more. the SU stuff is one of those. i actually ammaking this post bc i got really fucking dickhead comments and i was thinking of going off but my social media paranoia PR brain is like weighting on how i cant do that bc itll make my brand look bad and immature, and its like exhausting to live like that yk. altho it Is wise to restrain myself from being mean dsgkj but i also think itd be funny to cuss ppl off so :( life is very hard as an adult!

anyway point is. thigns are a mess rn and they will continue to be for the time being. my accoutns got obliterated so if you wanna keep up with me maybe follow my instagram if you want, i keep forgetting tumblr exists so tahst why i post so little on here. i do like postingt here though, nad i like making little blogs. i like ppls tags on ym art and replies. even the pricky ones like, i get to engage my brain a litlte bit adn its like ppl are out there yk? seieng my stuff, rather than just like, a bunch of numbers of how many likes or reblogs smth has.

most of the stuff left on this blog is for SU reclaimed and i still rly like the idea and its good coping for me and i want to pick it up sometimes but idk what to do with it wrt how i wanna present the content. ive considerd many times making a separate tumblr for it and i am considering that Again but maybe i should just quit it and post it here and forget about that. and find a different way to present the totality of the contents of the AU and use this tumblr as a way to just post it like, a 'devblog' (i am not developing SHIT this is just conceptual design writing stuff)

if theres anyone still following thats like engaged/interested in SU reclaimed feel free to comment with your thoughts or suggestions,i guess i could make an instagram for it? but ehh... idt thats how i wanna like, execute it. welp. i guess if i do make smth ill post about it here,i guess the point is that maybe i can try to post on here moreoften, idk, like i want my instagrams to be more tidy and like, impersonal. i deleted twitter bc i dont want to engage that personalyl at ALL anymore as an artist w viewers. not to mention it sinking. but i guess tumblr Is the perfect place to keep that unprofessional, slightly casual blogging artist experience. maybe if i get to cuss ppl out :D but then i dont wanna get harassed later over it. hm.. sucks to exist online tbh

thank u if youve read this far. if youre a mutual (somehow) or a long time follower and wanna know how to better keep up w me since i know im disappearing a lot feel free to dm

[x-lynx-x]

lynx log #2

i wandered into jimmys room, and it was now snowing!! like how there was leaves everywhere in victors room, theres now snow in jimmys(i think it had something to do with nicole waking up, cuz jimmys room kinda looked like hers....)we sat on the bed for a bit n they were having trouble talking, so i thought i'd read a wolvie comic to help get their voice back >:[ theres a lot of comics on our desk that havent been put away yet, so i chose this one cuz it kinda looks like jimmy on the cover.....

so i was reading it(a lot of the panels look a lot like jimmy!!facial recognition stuff) and uhm. this page made me realize something.

nothin special on the page, just was the one i realized on. we're been thinkin a lot lately on if we have a primary soul, n who it might be! cuz everyone seems to think theyre the real soul....but its probably jimmy ): we get a lot of messages thru media n we gotta out them together like puzzle pieces. a message we got a couple years ago(but was reminded of today cuz someone liked one of our old posts abt it) was for a character named church. SO a scientist guy made a clone of his consciousness called epsilon, n put epsilon thru a bunch of simulated trauma, which then split him into other consciousness (like us!) n church was a direct clone of epsilon who didnt remember any of the trauma. and also didnt know abt the experiment!! then eventually he found all the other consciousnesses and epsilon n him fused together n he remembered EVERYTHING!! we've had the word epsilon associated with memories ever since '^' and theres a comic where a guy named epsilon red starts giving wolvie his memories back too!!

we've known abt the experiment since we were uhmmm maybe 11? or 10? we've been gettin hints for awhiilleeee but our recent journey in remembering all of eachother again feels similar to the journey church went on....oh yea! context -> me n my system used to know eachother when we were younger, but around age 15 we all got stuck together n forgot ): but in the past month we've been slowly separating n remembering eachother again!! it was a prophecy for vic n victor(similar but 2 different guys hehe) to spend our bday with jimmy, n it thankfully happened!!! we were worried abt there being a big fight that day(since sabes n wolvie usually fight on that day) n well....that turned out to be true too v_v they forgot how often they fought n there was a fight that morning n victor ended up also fighting with tiff(another member) during the day too(the problem was that jimmy didnt believe either of them were real, n victor even really tried proving himself by fronting for a several days before they remembered eachother! he was searching really hard for jimmy, just like jimmy had been all those years he couldnt remember him...). but that day ended good, so thats all settled now :3 except for the nicole fighting today lol oops.

anywayyyyy back to the story!! after i told jimmy abt this theory, he started changing more into logan(the one in the comic) and vic got concerned and came over to our room. he was crying and didnt know why ): he looked similar to the comic too.

vic held logan for a bit....uhmmm what did we talk about hmm.......OH

right!!!the experiment!!!!so this comic is about how they layer a fake memory over top of real ones, so it implies that sabes n fox were also being experimented on like X was!! so in our case, maybe we're not fake split offs, but rather we're all connected somehow. (we have a member whos name means 'birth of X' btw!!)

that was one of our theories at age 13, that all of us were sleeping in the same lab somewhere. but maybe we knew eachother too.....

the big question is -> whos helping us wake up?

woahhhh cliffhanger :o stay tuned for more fun lynx adventures!!!!!✨✨

[yummy-little-stories]

My grandpa is dying.

The reality had not exactly settled in until this very moment. I didn't know the man very well, but I did know he was funny, well-spoken, an author, and rather revolutionary, at least for the time he was brought up. I've never read one of his books. I feel a bit guilty about that now. He'll never know what I thought of them. Unless, of course, there is some sort of higher place a conciousness moves to once the body has failed. Then I hope there is some way for me to reach someone there. Like a heaven call center. Maybe that's what religious people are doing when they pray. Calling heaven's tech support line.

Anyway, my grandpa is dying. I haven't ever truly confronted death before. Like, I know it happens. I'm aware. I've had people and animals die in my life before. In fact, just last year, my brother-in-law died. I didn't know him well. When he lived with us, he was like a shadow of his former self, from what I knew of him before. He had liver problems and struggled to eat while he was here. Skinny, like a skeleton.

I suppose my grandpa looks a bit more like a ghost, or a zombie. Some kind of ghoul. That might be rude to say, but it's true. The man passed long ago, and he lives just far enough away that in some ways he was a ghost to me already.

Sometimes, I tell myself I havent really lost anyone. Not anyone I have been close enough to, I think. I suppose that pattern will continue. I suppose that's probably why I am so deathly afraid of the whole affair. The whole perishing thing, I mean. I was going to say "deathly afraid of dying," but that felt like a bit much, don't you think?

Part of me wants to read over this post, analyze it, maybe revise it. Part of me worries I won't post it if I do. Or maybe that I might dare to feel something about the things I wrote about. Or maybe that the whole thing might be a bit too edgy to post. But I'm just going to post it, I think. No revisions, just a pure stream of thought. Maybe that's what this whole blog is going to be.

Anyway, my grandpa is dying. The nurses say he might not last through the night. We don't live anywhere nearby, so I'm probably going to have to go on a road trip. I do like road trips. And it will be nice to see family. But my grandpa is dying. And I'm afraid I, yet again, won't allow myself to greive.

One day all of these deaths, losses, and mistakes will all come out.

I haven't cried, really cried, since the night I read Oathbringer. There were some extenuating circumstances, I must admit. Another all-day binge, missing classes, disappointing my girlfriend yet again. But I did cry a lot that day. Most of them emergency-therapy-session tears. Then, later, when I read to calm my nerves, I got to the scene where Dalinar finishes the words in Oathbringer. And I cried happy tears. Maybe I exhausted all the tears then.

Anyway, my grandpa is dying. My new year's resolution is to let myself cry about it. Oh, and to write more. I guess that's what this blog is for.

[m33pl0v3]

I know its suppose to be an annual thing to meet up

But god sake i did not anticipate yall to bring a plus one, isnt it suppose to be just the three of us? What happen?

You shouldve caught on by now i didnt really want to meet up if yall had a plus one its kinda unfair for well..me

Everything feels like what happen 5 years ago.. i clear didnt miss it at all

Im quite sick, i got a cold i keep coughing off a phlegm and my head hurts constantly the past few days, 2nd i havent done any productive work since i excuse myself from school, 3rd the uniforms..they havent even been wash yet

As much as i think i got my shit together i keep going back to the time 5 years ago my lowest point of my life

My simple advice really if you tell someone something about them and they get annoyed frustrated even when you told them that, probably because they already know, theyre PAINFULLY aware you dont have to keep reminding them..its an insecurity theyre already working on it so just...stfu please

Keep it to yourself.

My mind is all over the place right now..all ive been doing is avoiding the things i needed to do for a sense of pleasure even for a little

Frankly i dont feel good

Physically wise and mental wise

I dont wanna go tomorrow i dont wanna see your partners

I dont want any of you in the house..you should just leave

I frankly dont care if your frail body gives up and dies im just worried about the debt we will get into nce you actually die

Im overthinking about our friendship lately but its mainly me and my low self esteem talking

Youre nuisance to me

I feel like a slob

As much as the thought of death sounds inviting i would never forgive myself for dying over something like this, im just exhausted i wanted a rest

Its overwhelming and if one of the people above me cancels or something happen to them i might be a little less worried

Sounds selfish i know, im painfully aware of what i say and type, im completely sane and in control

Thats the tragedy of it

I just wanna draw this feeling away..but im afraid i dont have enough time

I just wish you dissappear, in that way my mind is little quieter than it was right now

I could write a poem an essay even how much i want you dead or out of my existenxe but id be wasting my time

Thats how much i hate you

[imayhavebpd]

Some context: the rant below may be disturbing, I talk about my relationship that is not going too good at the moment and about my worsening mental health.

Im nb and queer, so is my partner.

Just had the biggest fight with my partner and now he wants to leave me. after 3.5 years. We are both severely mentally ill and he wants to give up on our relationship. He doesnt care anymore, he has been breaking my trust over and over for the past few months. Suspicious relationship with a friend, going to her house, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and staying the night multiple times. He even confessed to sleeping in her bed once because he "felt light headed" . Her calling him in the middle of the night because she needed comfort. Him being ready to drop everything at any given moment to come to her place. He told me that they have been joking about him cheating on me with her since her newest boyfriend is so similar to him. Couple days ago he told me that he has been smoking weed with her, despite it being illegal in the place we live in. Drugs (each and every one) scare me so much and he knows that and still when I told him that I felt betrayed and disturbed he started calling me conservative and close minded. For the record, I dont think there is anything wrong with using any kind of drug, I just wished he would say something before he started doing drugs with her (and now he talks about doing mushrooms because they have a mutual friend who tries to grow them in her house). He likes to bully and tease me, make me feel bad and says that hes just joking. He lied to me in the past and about something very important too. He has been hiding that thing from me for months and we lived together. His parents are walking all over me, abusing both of us, trying to get us kicked out of our flat, despite being very rich they dont support him financially in any way and since he cant or wont find a job it falls on me to take care of finance (that is rent, food, medicine, transportation). I am beyond tired, Im suicidal and he doesnt care. He just doesnt care anymore. My job is literally killing me and I havent quit yet because the only way we can live together is if I have it. I feel betrayed, I feel emotionally cheated on, Im so disappointed that he would break my trust just to smoke weed with that girl and her friends and have fun.

The thing is.

I love him beyond words. I missed him before we knew each other. We are each others first partners, we are just 20 and we met in high school. Im autistic, and I really cant create deep relationships with other people. I dont know why, I just dont feel that way about the vast majority of people. Before I met him I felt lonely for all my life, there were people around me but no one understood me and they never felt like companions to me. We have been through hell together and its not the first time its bad. Almost every time it goes the same way, I want to fight for our relationship and he wants to leave, says that he doesnt love me anymore, that he doesnt feel anything. Now I lay in our bed, he is in the other room and I wait for him to come and talk to me.

He once crawled into our bed besides me and whispered that he could kill me if he wanted to, since he a lot taller and stronger than me. I never thought too much of it, but always it felt kinda weird.

Im not a good person, I told him that I want to kill myself and when he didnt want to talk earlier I asked what would happen if I left and didnt come back. He says that Im emotionally blackmailing him and he probably is right. I dont know, I have let so many things slide with him. I was screaming and crying and begging and he has been packing his stuff and ignoring me. And then I hit him. On his arm, not to hurt him but I know it was wrong. I wanted him to stop ignoring me but what I did is the worst thing I could have done. He said that this is probably the end as Im in his words "in the worst place mentally that I have ever been in". I cried all night, I cant sleep or eat, Im not thirsty, I just want the pain to stop. I want to hurt myself, I want him gone from my life, I want him to love me and care about what he has done to me, I want him to admit that he has ruined our relationship. I dont know who he is, he is a stranger to me but we have been together for all my life. I love him to death, I want to spend my life with him, I never want to see him again. He is still here, he has been taken away by his new friends and soon probably lovers and he has been taken away by himself and what is left I dont recognise.

Ive always invested more in this relationship, allowed hin to cross my boundaries when it made him happy untill I didnt have any left. I accept him, I love him, Im always there for him, he takes things out on me and I just continue to support him. I help him with his art and studies, I paint his nails and help him with anything he wants or needs help with. I allow him to run different psych. tests on me as he needs them for his studies, I give him my time and attention. Still, he is disgusted with my emotions, made me feel dirty by repeately telling me that I stink for over a month (and then admitted that I dont, he just thought it was a funny joke), told me that my anger is evil and pathological and that I should never feel it. He hates my body, hates that I have a human body and that Im not made out of glass and silicone and plastic. He doesnt kiss me on the lips and he finds my afab genitals to be extremly gross.

I lost so much in the past month, Im scared for my life. I lost a job opportunity that would have been perfect for me, and then I lost even more job opportunities. I may have lost my flat, I will probably have to move out untill the end of april. And now I have lost my boyfriend.

I know how it all sounds, but this is a vent and there is much more good than bad, we have loved each other deeply for a long time now.

[abcdosaka]

i have not posted on here in a while. idk various things have happened. but heres the most recent stuff.

this is sorta fresh (literally 2 days ago) but im mostly over it i think? i made a hinge account and briefly talked to this girl and i liked talking to her but i think i just dont know how to rizz someone up, or maybe ik and i dont have the courage to do it so i gotta play nice girl from the start. and i think our second phone call i was just kinda lacking in energy and i wasn’t texting her too often either. but at the end of it she was like lets just be friends going forward.

i havent really had any experiences before, like real ones where i was the one initiating everything, so it hurt, kinda like getting rejected for a job interview. i was like ig im just not outgoing or funny or charming enough but damn we talked like twice on the phone, we never even met up, that quick huh.

tbh i think i initiated slightly more and she was less interested and she also made it pretty clear she wasnt sure about getting into a relationship. idk its not worth analyzing. we do have a lot of similar tastes but if she wants to be friends she has to initiate and i might blow her off anyway i dont feel like talking to her anymore lol. or maybe ill respond but just really slowly. ik its giving nice guy/friendzoned. ehhh i might respond she was nice/friendly enough i just need time to get over it fully. i think this is a lets see how im feeling in a week situation. to be fair sometimes good friendships pop up out of bad experiences for me like i thought D was a huge dick when i first met him but we got along well for the time we knew each other

idk i would rather have someone who knows what they want and is certain about it too. but in the first place i dont even want to talk to ppl like its such a hassle texting randoms multiple days in a row. i got a couple other likes and i just ignored them. ive ghosted two ppl bc i just was sick of the texting going nowhere.

tbh i think im just sad bc my ego’s a little bruised. but idk that happens to me easily like applying for a job sucks and it hurts to get rejected and having a job kinda sucks too but its required. relationships, kinda the same but i dont think its required? they never seemed that great or fun or loving to me, prob bc my parents hated each other for 90% of my childhood. even when i see relationships in fiction im like oh cute but idk if i really need that.

im more upset that i dont really have anyone to talk to about this stuff. and im upset s didnt wanna meet over reading week. like besties for 10 years but you couldnt free up a space for me even tho i asked like 3 weeks ago. idk if i can even call us besties. i used to be so insecure abt what kinda friendship we had but now im kinda sick of this. maybe i should ask. i kinda hate feeling needy or sounding clingy though. idk i was pretty friendly in my response

she didnt even receive it T_T

idk she hasnt responded to any messages frequently for the past month so shes probably really busy but ugh i fucking hate this. i just wish she’d check in for once like “hey sorry ive just been really busy the past month and havent had the energy or time to respond but hopefully ill have some time soon”. cuz the thing is its kinda typical of her to flake/be distant/antisocial. like after we graduated hs she ignored my messages for a month and she promised not to do that again. and when we hung out for the last time before i moved for uni she overslept and i think shes done that two or three times since. its really frustrating when we dont get to see each other than often. so if i ask her its gonna be like this is an isolated incident but its not and im prob not gonna see her again after i graduate uni bc i wanna move across the country. and we almost never call bc everytime i ask she doesnt want to. i think thats just her hating calling but how tf else are we supposed to stay in contact when we live in different cities??? and texting for hours on end is fking annoying? same difference ik a bit hypocritical there but also, calling means u can multitask but texting means u have to focus solely on texting unless you wanna respond every 2 hours or even worse, every 5 minutes, theres no flow unless you pay full attention to texting.

and the thing that sucks even harder. is that we had a mutual friend, j, who was her BESTIE for middle school and almost all of highschool. (i had a crush on this chick btw but never told her and i kinda stopped talking to her in senior year). and j did the same fucking thing like she decided she didnt wanna talk to people she knew before highschool anymore and basically just slowly cut s out of her life. and s was so upset abt it she told me abt it a lot

see the thing is if i do confront her about ALL of this, i  think its gonna go the worst way possible. like we will slowly drift apart and im gonna lose my closest friend who probably doesnt even consider me at least one of her closest friends. and then im fucked. i mean im not fucked but im starting from ground zero.its really hard not having someone you know you can rely on. altho maybe shes not the most reliable and ive been coping by pretending im independent and dont need anyone for emotional shit. maybe im just catastrophizing. like on one hand, i truly am unsure enough abt our friendship that idk if she’d make an effort after i move real far. but on the other hand i am a known pessimist and i suck at this people bullshit. so idk if i should ask or not.

ugh i shouldnt have wrote this. i was like “if i go in depth on this post i wont be able to stop and then im gonna cry and i dont wanna cry. i should try to keep it light.” like lol. at least it was good practice for typeracer. im gonna do one race and go to sleep. this is frustrating

[mortuaest]

Ive been suffering and I dont want to be alive on new years eve, and if I dont stay too long at a friends house, my plan of possibly overdosing on a shit ton of pills will happen.

I lost a friend at the start of 2022.  I was never informed until I found out through FB then I was never informed of their funeral. I lost the job I had after 10 and a half years because Supervision and management. I got a new job, and within a week of that I had someone who was 87 years old blast through the red light they had while I was turning left.  Because of that Im now having more serious health issues.  Period for five and a half months.  My first severe concussion.  Staples in my head, broken bone. 

I lost my Emotional support animal.  Ive had him since he was five weeks old.  I was fifteen and a half.  He got me through so much abuse because of my egg donor not wanting an autistic child and an autistic adult as a child, and someone who’s Queer (I’m non-binary and asexual) and his cancer in his cheek got worse, fast.  He helped me through the medical rape I went through at 19 years old and he’s the reason why I lived for so long and stopped trying to take my life for so long. 

I expected to be dead by 14 years old.

Not even three weeks after loosing the light of my own life, I lost another friend.  His father didn’t really tell us the cause of death but it was an accident, and it wasn’t by his own hand which we’re happy that it wasn’t.  

Then I lost the last bit of family I thought I had on Christmas because of the fact that my father cannot accept the fact that I’m not his daughter, Im his offspring, and I havent been his daughter since around 2016 and havent used my Deadname unless its for legal reasons, since I dont have the time or money to legally change it since October 2018.  And my sister thinks that just respecting my pronouns and new name is all I need, and that whatever issues with my father I have with his severe transphobia is between him and I and not her issue, with her knowing full well Im dealing with so fucking much.

Friends JUST finally started giving a shit, not even a week ago.  A ton of them know and knew about my plans of suicide once my ESA passed, I cant last without him.  People know that he’s gone.  Im someone who has two sexual assaults, twenty plus years of physical, mental and emotional abuse, PTSD from that, PTSD from working during COVID-19 being immune comprimised and therapists not taking me seriously because I only have medicaid and I’m autistic and part of the LGBTA.

Im so, so tired.  I dont know if Ill be surviving this year and if I do its going to get even worse mentally and emotionally for me.  I don’t have a support system or anything that I know I need to survive and keep going and live.  I cant keep going.   Im so broken I don’t deserve to be fixed, and Im having my probably 30th or more mental breakdown because Im just so fucking tired of this year.

So if I disappear, and if I do survive this year, I’m sorry if I take a two week hiatus or something.  I don’t have replies barely ever to do anyway, so I doubt people will miss me.  Ill let people know.  I just, need to get this off my chest and I know my friends are tired of me ranting and bitching on FB.  They probably think Im over reacting on everything that happened.

I have a queue lined up to post memes once a day and I feel Ill be adding more as a just in case I do last past today.  

Im sorry if Ive disappointed anyone as a roleplay partner, Im sorry Im a shitty person.  Im sorry Im weak.