#this happened probably over a year ago now i havent thought about it since it happened

[arielluva]

grief is such a weird emotion bc i can be fine most of the time even if it think about it, but then sometimes thinking about it digs it up all over again

[thoughts-and-all-that]

just remembered the people on a post who were unironically calling me a nazi because i said i hate the 'modern art' thing where people paint a circle on a canvas or tape a banana on a wall and these things sell for sometimes millions of dollars. like, sorry? it just feels like a mockery to the people who spend hours and hours on art that goes unnoticed or unmonetized. also its absolutely rich people nonsense lets be real

also im jewish so it is like. a smack in the face the way that people throw around the word nazi like its a light thing to say

[lookingoutforstarrs]

first kiss with hamzah!

° ♡ •

-you had to be the one to initiate y’all’s first kiss, and on that note you had to teach him how to kiss lol

-he was sooooo super nervous about it

-it happened when y’all were hanging out at a park. it was almost sunset and you were originally there with y’all’s friend group but because of how late it was getting, everyone except you and hamzah left

-y’all’s friends definitely did that on purpose to make him nervous lolol

-he was rambling to you, trying to make it seem like he wasn’t nervous at all, even though you could tell. he wasn’t keeping eye contact and he was stuttering like crazy.

-you were a little bit tipsy, from the drinks your friends brought earlier, but not drunk. it just gave you a little more courage.

-you had seen how he looked at you when he wasn’t careful. it seemed every time you turned around he was there, staring.

-you were attempting to make direct eye contact with him, following his eyes as he tried to break it.

-my boy was sweating bullets LMAO

‘hamzah,’ you interrupted

-he stopped fully and looked at you worriedly

‘uhhhhh, yea?’ he replied

-you two were both sitting down, you with your knees to your chest and him doing the same, facing away from each other

-you turned to him, shifting your weight onto one hip to face him.

-he didn’t know what you were going to say and that was driving him crazy.

‘you’ve been acting kinda weird lately’ you said, in a matter of fact tone.

-he choked on his air and coughed a little

‘really?? i havent tried to be weird or……anything’ he replies, not looking at you

-its true though, and he knows it. you two have known each other since around 2021, when you first moved to Toronto. you were an online personality like he was, so y’all quickly met because of mutual friends in the area

-he knew you were cute, but when y’all first met his crush wasn’t that big. but over the years and getting to know you, he only fell harder.

-you were one of the smartest, kindest, and funniest people he knew. plus he thought you were very hot and he brought it up to martin a lot, trusting him to keep his secret.

‘whats been on your mind?’ you ask, looking him in the eye, staring too deep for his liking

‘well…um,’ he replied, feeling as though you were staring into his soul. ‘i dunno.’

-you huff, not the answer you were looking for. you had liked hamzah since you met him. and you knew he liked you because mandy spilled the beans one day.

‘i feel like you’re just acting strange around me,’ you stated, ‘is it something i did?’

-his heart sank.

‘nonononono,’ he reassures, ‘its nothing you did, you’re fine. its just- i dont know how to put it.’ he says looking down and slightly blushing.

-you think about how you can get this man to spill, and you turn over ideas in your head. you two sit in silence for a moment.

‘y’know, mandy did tell me something a couple months ago, ‘ you say in a knowing tone.

-his heart immediately starts going 100 miles a minutes, remembering that if martin hears something, he cant keep his mouth shit around mandy.

-you and mandy are very close friends, so she would definitely tell you

‘oh…..what uh was it?’ he asked, visibly nervous.

‘its probably nothing now,’ you tease, ‘but she said that a couple months ago you told martin that you had a crush on me.’

-he puts his face in his palms, knowing he cant hide his blush. cursing martin mentally.

‘oh yea um yea i definitely did bit its uh nothing now,’ he chokes out.

-you giggle at his reaction

‘you’re not acting like its nothing now,’ you laugh, looking at him all distraught.

-you laughing calms him, but then makes him 10 times more embarrassed because he doesn’t think you like him back.

-he turns to face you

‘look y/n i did kinda have a crush on you but only for a little bit! i swear its nothing now and everything’s cool and please dont be mad-,’ he rambles on like this for a good minute, trying to lessen the blow of rejection.

‘hamzah.’ you say, again making deep eye contact that makes him nervous.

‘umm yes?’ he says, his voice slightly cracking.

‘have you ever kissed anyone before?’ you ask blushing.

-this throws him wayyyyyy off guard. he’s beet red now, and kinda sweaty lol. he has only ever gotten close to kissing someone, never actually doing it. he’s scared to admit that, but he knows, as a friend, that you wouldn’t judge him.

‘um,’ he coughs, ‘no actually.’

‘can i kiss you?’ you ask boldly, also beet red by this point. you’ve never been so bold with someone in your life.

‘what? um if you want i dunno-,’ he attempts to ramble out of nervousness again but you stop him by putting a hand on his cheek.

-he instantly stops talking to face you, his heart beating out of his chest.

-you slowly move your face closer to his, admiring it as you inch close.

-you softly put your lips to his to test the waters

-his years long pent up emotions come out all at once, and he deepens the kiss.

-its rushed and juvenile but it feels so peaceful.

-you kiss for a beat longer and pull away slowly, his head following yours, not ready for this kiss is to be over.

-be looks you in the eyes and stares for a minute, wondering if you felt the same way the whole time. how could someone like you like him?? you were perfect in his eyes.

‘holy shit’

[onlyjaeyun]

i’ve been following ur writing for some time now and i do have to agree with that anon who said you did CH dirty. you are a very talented writer so it’s just hard to watch.

you started off CH so strong with the lore and little chapters here and there but as it progressed you kind of just got lazy and it shows. when important events happened in the story, they weren’t conveyed through writing but through the texts (ie the riki and yn fight, that was definitely worth a written chapter) and it was honestly disappointing.

the ending isn’t much to say about either. yn and hoon barely go through development after the letter incident and all of a sudden they’re dating and married with a kid like two chapters later?

idk, if it was a mental health issue then i get that but even then you should’ve just gave it a break and thought everything out more. you could do so much better.

thank you for the feedback!

i wanna put you through the progess of a piece of writing from the POV of a writer okay? now keep in mind: i work two jobs, am a fulltime uni student and the daughter of an immigrant household with two parents who still work most of the day just so you know what else i have to deal with, besides my mental health okay?

now, i started off CH strong right? yes. i uploaded on the daily, fine i chose that. a chapter usually takes me around one hour if i actually sit down and focus on nothing but the chapter itself, which includes IG stories, editing, formatting etc. alright

on top of the daily chapters, i constantly replied to 40+ asks a day, a blessing in disguise because no matter how much i enjoy talking to you guys, the pressure does get worse the bigger that number of my inbox becomes, i hope this makes sense

now, i started CH back in october, right when my semester started, thats why i started off strong but as time went on, my assignments and private life got too busy and i guess i felt entitled enough as a writer to skip a few certain chaps and make life a little easier for me by making them regular chapters instead of written ones.

and this is gonna be my main point: i'm not a machine. i wrote a minimum of 5 THOUSAND words per written chapter, MINIMUM. we're talking about a 5-9 THOUSANDED worded chapter EACH WEEK. which usually took me about 6-7 hours, even allnighters.

yes, i chose to do that and maybe my time management wasn't the best but i had to create a compromise where i wouldnt have let you guys wait for over two months which would have resulted in me losing my motivation completely, and yet still focusing on EXAMS. because you know, i'm a fulltime uni student with TWO jobs 😮‍💨

if YOU think i did CH dirty go write an alternative ending yourself but it should be a minimum of 15 chapters including 5 written ones, with at LEAST 9k words each yeah? i wanna see you manage it all, pls prove me wrong snd show me you're better than me i'm genuinely begging bc it might inspire me to do "better" next time.

as a writer/artist/creator, and i can tell you probably arent one yourself or havent been one for long, the longer smth takes to come to an end the worse the pressure becomes which results in a blockage i dont wish upon my worst enemy i'm being deadass. i dealt with some of the worst writer's block ive had since i started writing literally 12 years ago and you're telling me i should have just "taken a break" and do "better"

i never, ever expected anything from anyone but some of you are so entitled to a writer's time and skill it's giving me a headache. maybe you didn't like the timing and writing of the last few chapters of CH and i guess that's unfortunate but this was so unnecessary because you completely dismissed everything else that could have been going on in my life and even belittled my mental health issues like im some fucking AI writing machine

do better, be nicer, write it yourself if you don't like it i'm so fucking over this

if i had gotten out of my own comfort and wellbeing and have actually written another set of written chapters i would have burned myself completely out. ive been in this fandom for not even a year and have already finished FOUR smaus with 50 chapters each, you do NOT get to tell me what i should or could have done better because you dont even give a fuck about me as a person this is just about receiving what YOU think YOURE entitled to but this is MY art and I will do what I see fit even if it's not what was expected of it because i'm a fucking human being with a life before i'm a writer on tumblr

oh, also: i do this for free ㅤ:) just a reminder :) this is my HOBBY :)

and don't you EVER call me lazy again when it comes to writing because i'm not gonna pour my heart and soul into a fic just for you to call me lazy when i literally wrote 50 THOUSAND words for this fucking fic just for the written chapters

goodbye

[year2000electronics]

Ok so what’s shimmer relationship like with the main cast like in the brotherhood au?

RUBS HANDS TOGETHER EVILLY. I ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING I WROTE A WHILE BACK ABT SHIM AND THE BROTHERS. HEHEHEHEHEEEE

i havent gotten to the outcasts Yet but. one day. i'll put it below the cut!!

“You probably don’t remember me, but-”

That was the first thing Shimmer had decided to say to baby Branch- no, it was just Branch now, wasn’t it? No matter how hard she looked at him, she could still only see the hopeful, gleaming eyes and the sweet smile as that kid she had come to briefly know so many years ago. It was a tough habit to kick- and the other members of the village clearly had a leg up on her with that.

“No, I remember you!” He replied, swinging his hands back and forth as the two of them walked through the village together. “Johnny doesn’t talk about you anymore, not really, but I remember going over to your pod!”

Shimmer tried her best not to seem too desperate for knowledge. Johnny? Her Johnny? Well- formerly hers. Not anymore? She knew it, he hated her, dammit, why did she come here-

“Oh, yeah? That so?” She laughed quietly. “Gosh, you’d make a mess of the place… you were so cute.”

“Yeah…” Branch said, looking off to the side. He was clearly quite a bit surprised, hearing someone talk about him through their sole memories of him being a baby. “It’s… been a long time since then, though.”

“I know, I know,” Shimmer assured quickly. “You’re all grown up now. And it makes me feel… very old.” She gave a laugh to shrug it off, but… it was true. Staring her in the face was the very sobering realization that it had been nearly two decades… Two decades since she had seen any of these people. And yet, somehow, despite Branch going from a baby to an adult…

…It felt like he had changed the least.

“Well- you don’t look very old,” Branch chirped. “Not to me.”

Shimmer looked back at him with a sort of sad smile, combing her hair out of her face.

“...You’re sweet, kid,” She mumbled. 

“No, really! You look Johnny’s age, and he’s not old, so… you’re not old either, right?” Branch grinned. He thought his logic was flawless, clearly. 

Shimmer snorted. “Is that how you see it?”

“Yup.”

Shimmer laughed, and decided to leave it at that. Branch’s peculiar little sense of humor did amuse her, to be sure. 

“So-” Shimmer asks after a bit of silence. “Do you mind if I ask you something, ah… a bit personal, kid?”

“Depends,” Branch said with a shrug. “What is it?”

“What was it like? Growing up here, I mean,” Shimmer asked.

Branch paused for a moment, to think about it. He looked up at the sky, down at the ground, every which way, except at her.

“Normal, I guess?” He shrugged. “We’re safe here, and I had my brothers. I don’t know what else a guy could want.”

Shimmer supposed she should have expected an answer like that. Of course Branch would see everything as deceptively normal. From the time she spent at the village, she didn’t exactly discover any blood sacrifices or chaos magic rituals happening behind closed doors or anything, and even though John and his brothers had morphed into slightly mythic figures, they weren’t referred to as His Holiness or anything. 

“Guess so,” Shimmer replied. “I was just… gone for so long, I’ve been curious, I suppose. About all the changes.”

“There aren’t that many,” Branch mumbled.

“No?”

“No.”

That’s what Branch’s mouth said. But his eyes told a different story. 

—---------------------- 

Shimmer sat down in Bruce’s pod, staring him down. 

His hand automatically moved to grab some matchmaker’s tarot cards when Shimmer lowered it before he could.

He glanced up at her, confused.

“Don’t,” She grunted. “I’m not here for that. I don’t even want to know.”  The sooner she could stop Bruce from doing the matchmaking thing, the better. There was a whole nest of hornets there- and whatever he said about her “potential prospects�� would just remind her that a part of her never moved on from John Dory. 

“Then-” Bruce furrowed his brow, leaning back. “What are you here for?”

Shimmer gave him a surprised glance. “For you. Is that so hard to believe?”  

Bruce scoffed, leaning on one of his hands as he pressed his elbow onto the table. “Usually people come to the matchmaker’s pod because they want their match made, miss Shimmer. And yet, here you are, asking for me and not even wanting a match while you’re here! I think that makes you the strange one.”

Shimmer groaned. “Neither of us are strange, Bruce, don’t play this game with me-” 

Bruce laughed. “Oh, man- I did miss this. How is it that I’m always able to get under your skin?”

“I don’t know, you little devil-” Shimmer snorted. She cleared her throat, combing some hair out of her face. “But- that’s the only part that feels like it hasn’t changed, after all this time. What’s someone like you doing with a job like… this?”

Bruce frowned. “Are you trying to imply this isn’t a real job? The village won’t like that.”

Shimmer furrowed her brow, putting a hand up. “That’s not what I said. I mean- this job feels so prestigious. And everyone I asked about you immediately followed ‘Bruce’ up with ‘The matchmaker’. Doesn’t that… bother you at all?”

“Would it really matter if it did?” Bruce said with a shrug. 

“I mean-!” Shimmer gave an exasperated sigh. “I… I just want to understand. Everyone here is used to this, used to you all being leaders, I was just…” She shrugged. “I guess I was just hoping an old friend might be able to help me stop sticking out like a sore thumb.”

Bruce frowned, studying Shimmer’s face and body language. She seemed to be sincere, though her pride clearly held her back from just straight-up begging. And he did feel quite a bit bad for her… it was true that Bruce and Shimmer had been pretty close back when he was Spruce, and back when Shimmer was “JD’s girl”. They got on each others’ nerves endlessly, but that was almost part of the charm.

…He could use something like that again, perhaps. Nowadays, the only teasing he could get away with was either to Baby Branch or doing something so subtle to JD and Floyd that most other people shouldn’t be able to notice. 

“...Being a matchmaker is fine,” Bruce began to speak. “I’m rarely ever wrong, I’ll have you know. People trust me, and I like that. It feels… good to be trusted, I guess.”

He took out a tarot card from his deck, studying it. “I mean- I’m trusted for manners of romance, friendship, intimacy… But nobody is puttin’ pressure onto me to be a leader. In a way, I guess… I’ve got the best job in town.” 

“Still,” Shimmer said quietly. “I wouldn’t mind hanging out with Bruce-the-man instead of Bruce-the-matchmaker. If you can bear taking some time off your busy schedule.”

Bruce tilted his head noncommittally. “I’ll think about it. Gotta keep up appearances, y’know. That’s a big part of everything.” 

“I guess,” Shimmer half heartedly agreed. “Not that I’d know.”

“It’s good that you don’t,” Bruce replied, an oddly soft tone in his voice. So soft that Shimmer dare not toe the line and ask him to elaborate on that. Her absence of a question, though, left the two of them sitting in the candlelit room in silence.

“...So what’s the story behind the new name?” Shimmer asked to break it.

“Eh,” Bruce waved a hand casually. “I wanted a reinvention.”

Shimmer paused, mulling that over. “It suits you,” She said, finally. 

“Thanks,” Bruce smirked. He held up a hand, tilting it towards her. Between his fingers was a tarot card.

“Hey! I thought I told you not to do the matchmaking thing!” Shimmer protested with a frown.

“Relax, miss Shimmer,” Bruce replied coyly. “This one’s just about your social standing.” 

She took the card from him, studying it- oh. It was The Star.

“It means renewal,” Bruce said simply.

—--------------------------

“Morning, Floyd. I’d apologize for interrupting but I feel like that ship’s sailed already,” Shimmer grunted, going to sit on a mat near where Floyd was meditating.

He cracked an eye open, glancing over at her. “...Shimmer,” He said with a simple nod.  

She began stretching her legs, grunting every so often- this type of stuff didn’t come as easy to her as she wanted it to. 

“...Why did you come back?” Floyd asked bluntly. That made Shimmer stop in her tracks, glancing over at the younger troll with a befuddled look on her face.

Floyd put his hands up in a gesture of false surrender. “I don’t mean it like that! Don’t misunderstand! It’s just… one doesn’t just wander back into a place like this without reason.”

“Well- it’s home,” Shimmer admitted, bending down to touch her toes. “I was feeling… disoriented. Like I had lost myself. I didn’t know where else to go, so… I came back home.”

“Yeah, sure, but… you said it yourself. This place has changed. So, I guess, a better question would be… what made you stay?” Floyd asked as he bent himself into a different position. His tone was casual and calm, but there was a certain hunger in his eyes that let Shimmer know that he was very invested in this line of conversation. 

Shimmer’s mouth went dry. That… that was a good question. Especially since Floyd was playing a bit of a dangerous game, where she would make a major social faux pas if she wasn’t careful- Floyd was implying that someone coming to the village and staying there was strange. Of course, it was a perfectly safe place, but Shimmer knew she and Floyd both could feel the gated-community vibe of the village where nobody ever comes in and nobody ever comes out. She counted herself damn lucky that they even let her in at all. 

“...I suppose I’d say- it’s because some part of this place didn’t change,” Shimmer mumbled. 

“Really?” Floyd asked, stretching one of his legs to the sky.

“Really. That’s what keeps me here… I think. It’s all very confusing, this new village stuff, but when I look at all my old friends here… I guess I can’t help but see the boys I used to know,” Shimmer bashfully said as if she was admitting a crime. 

“So you really believe that…” Floyd said quietly. “And- is it the same with me?”

“Sure it is,” Shimmer said, rolling over to be on her stomach as she grabbed one of her legs. “You were always the one who sat in the back, weren’t you? Just… watching. Soaking it all in. I still see a lot of that in you today. With Branch and Bruce, too, the more I talk to them, the more I realize there’s still parts of you I’ve met before.”

She sighed. “Stupid, I know.” 

“No, I don’t think it’s stupid at all…” Floyd replied. “I… I think it’s kinda nice, actually.” 

He smiled, looking up at the roof of the large cave they called home. He let the moment sit for a bit.

“Sometimes… I don’t really feel like that boy anymore. I don��t feel like I was ever him at all. It’s… confusing, I guess,” Floyd said at last.

“Ugh, tell me about it-” Shimmer grunted, stretching out another one of her joints. “I was looking at an old poster of myself yesterday, and it was like- who WAS she?” 

Floyd gave a gentle little laugh. “I guess we’re more alike than we thought, then. It’s… nice.”

“I don’t get to talk to people much about this stuff,” Floyd continued. “Me, Johnny and the others try to be strong… for the village. So- it just… doesn’t come up.”

Shimmer gave him a nervous glance. “I’m not stepping over a line, am I? You’d tell me if I broke some sort of village rule. You would. Right?”

“Calm down,” Floyd squeaked desperately. “You’re fine.” 

Shimmer sighed. “Sorry… sorry. It’s just-”

“A lot, yeah,” Floyd finished. “That’s the village for you.”

—-------------------------

Shimmer was never sure if it was her place to mourn Clay or not. She had known him once, but at the same time, that was a long time ago. Was it illogical that she felt like she didn’t deserve to mourn him like his brothers did? Maybe. But she couldn’t change how she felt.

Still, that wouldn’t stop her from leaving some lily-of-the-valleys near his memorial spot every now and again. 

“Sorry I missed you, Clay,” She murmured. “I would have liked to have gotten to know who you grew into.”

—---------------

Shimmer wasn’t looking forward to this. She wasn’t looking forward to any of this. In fact, she had taken extreme, deliberate steps to avoid this from happening.

But what she hadn’t accounted for was bumping into John Dory on his stupid shitty morning walk, DAMMIT- 

He dusted himself off, clearly taking on a facial expression that was preparing for an apology, only for him to realize exactly who it was he had bumped into. Right- the troll he hadn’t talked to since he initially told the village to let her in.

Oh, yeah.

Also, his ex. 

“...Shimmer,” He was the first one to cut through the silence as he looked up at her, adjusting his scarf. “You look… well.”

Shimmer scoffed, looking away. “You and I both know that’s a gross exaggeration.”

John frowned as she looked away. That caught her eye. She coughed, immediately trying to steer the ship of a conversation back on topic. Much as this was her old flame… this guy was also someone she clearly didn’t want to get on the bad side of. Best not to get… too testy.

“But- other than looking like I rolled out of bed basically every day, I’ve been-” She sighed. “Fine. How about… you? How- uh- how have you been?” 

John Dory blinked once or twice, not expecting her to turn the question back on him. “Me? Oh, yes, I’ve been great, as usual. Never a bad day here in the village. Heh. You haven’t… been having any trouble, have you? I know the villagers can get a bit testy with… ‘new’ people.”

Shimmer shook her head no, folding her arms. “No, it’s been fine. Just… just fine.”

“Good… and you’ve been behaving too… right?” He said- although his tone was light as a feather, he knew the underlying meaning in what he said- here was a girl he had been close with before she disappeared- She could drag him back down to feeling mortality, be so casual with him in a way he hadn’t felt from anyone besides his brothers in years- and if she wanted to disprove his lie, he’d have to put whatever feelings he still had for her aside. For the sake of the village.

“You think so low of me, John,” Shimmer scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Yes, I’ve been behaving. I’m a guest here- guests follow the host’s policies, and they’re thankful. That’s how I was raised.”

“Good!” JD chirped. “I wasn’t too worried about that,” He lied. It slipped naturally off his tongue as smooth as butter. 

Shimmer paused, looking him up and down some more. He looked at her looking at him, waiting to see her reaction and cautiously preparing for it.

“...It’s a bit of a different look for you, I’ll admit, but… I don’t hate it,” Shimmer spoke with a shrug. “The red looks nice.”

John laughed, flicking an earring. “Ahhh- thank you. It does, doesn’t it? I’ll admit, your look was a bit surprising, too. You’ve really changed, I almost didn’t-”

He paused, not wanting to finish the sentence… but Shimmer knew what he was going to say.

I almost didn’t recognize you. 

She knew that’s what he wanted to say, because she thought it when she first saw him.

Jeez, what were they? They used to be a teen hot couple, the poster boy and poster girl for puppy-love… But here she was, a disgraced pop troll who couldn’t sing… and there he was. The hero and saviour of an entire village. 

It was more obvious to her now than it was to her than that him even noticing her at all was… nothing but a stroke of luck. A fluke. There he was, brilliant, important, in control… And then there was her. A total mess. A flop. She felt like an intruder in the village, and now, being face-to-face with JD only made things worse. In every other brother, she saw that past part of them she once knew, but with John, she felt like she was only reminded of her own insecurities, her own failings. 

She swerved past him, eyes firmly trained onto the ground.

“I’ll get out of your way, John,” She mumbled half-heartedly, trying to just put a miserable end to the conversation and stop her mind from attacking herself so loudly. But as soon as she started walking, she found herself unable to keep going. Locked around her arm was none other than JD’s hand. She glanced back, looking at him in confusion.

“Wait,” He started. “...Come over to my pod sometime. You, ah, need to update me more on how you’re settling in. Yes. As the village leader… it’s part of my responsibilities, y’know? So- don’t leave me hanging.”

Shimmer’s breath caught in her throat. She hated the idea of seeing him more, and yet, the fact that he had requested her presence specifically… It made her heart skip a beat. 

“...Sure, yes,” She replied quietly.

She expected John to let her go at this point, but he kinda just kept staring at her in silence for a while. Somehow, she found herself staring back.

“...I’ve missed you,” He confessed with a breathy whisper. 

Shimmer tried to muster back a reply, but words failed her. She tried again, and again-

“I didn’t even think that was possible,” She finally said back. 

[slaasherslut]

I need to do a little rant because im losing my mind over this and im frustrated. Ill probably delete it later

So the job im working right now isnt permanent but im a permanent employee. I work a specific job in a factory in the afternoon shift but that shift doesnt run the entire year so im laid off like 1/3 of the year. Two weeks ago I saw a job opening in another location for a job thats perfect for someone in my position. Its basically doing inventory and id be guaranteed work all year round. I thought it would be perfect for me to move up and get better work. I applied for it immediately. Days go by and I hear nothing. No calls, no emails, nothing at all. I was confused since I was told everyone interal was being interviewed. I didnt go to work today because i was at home with cramps and my mom came home (she does the same thing i do except on the morning shift) and she was told they had be interviewing for that position already for quite some time, some people already having second interviews. From what ive heard from her, the person doing the hiring was calling the managers of all the internal people applying. I dont know why they did that, it should be none of their business, but they did it anyway. My manager obviously said something to them so they wouldnt interview me. I was the only internal applicant that wasnt interviewed. My guess is that i was needed where i am now and she cant have me leave. My manager has a habit of sabotaging peoples job opportunities and im not surprised she did it to me. I even laughed to my mom telling her "im the only person on my shift who can do my job. I bet im not gonna get it because of that. My manager will make sure of that." And look what happened. Im just so frustrated. The months that im laid off i struggle to pay my bills so i need a new job. Ive been applying for a year and a half with almost nothing to show for it. Then an internal job shows up that is perfect for me, more hours, and better pay. But my manager is too selfish and she ruined this one single chance i had in this horrible job economy. I havent had many chances, no one has from what i can tell. Im so mad i dont even wanna go to work tomorrow. This is the same manager thats bullied me since the day i started and ive made so many complaints and nothing has happened. Im just so fed up and im so tired. But i have no other options. I just know when i complain about this tomorrow that im probably gonna have a break down over it. Im so sick of this.

[violettressedd]

yesss random philosophical/deep convos are the BESTTT

is that so baby? im gonna have to fight to make u listen, hm?

i see ur 5'4'', which makes things easier for me bc im 5'7''. and id like to see u trying to be all bratty and defiant when ur pinned down unable to move. or maybe all tied up? i saw that post, darling. and with red lace too, u have good taste. having u all tied up while i tease u until u lose ur pride and beg. im quite patient, i dont mind how long it takes.

(thanks for letting me know! and ditto i adore petnames except for sweetie or like animal ones lol)

(LMAO yes we contain multitudes also ngl good convos make me a little horny lol. smart women ughhhhhhh. so fucking hot)

yesss its like the ouroboros. the circle. death and rebirth. sun and moon. light and darkness. cycles and cycles repeating over and over. we are what comes before us. all this has happened before and it will all happen again. the love. and the grief and the anger and the wistfulness and the pain and the nostalgia. all of it over and over and over again. god it just makes me so. i dont even know how to describe the feeling lol.

yesss ive loved mythology (esp greek/roman and irish and egyptian) since i was literally in elementary school reading books on the gods and goddesses. its soo fascinating. and folk talesss omg i love folk and fairy tales. something made them last for centuries and they reach something in us. what makes the story of cinderella have literally HUNDREDS of different versions in all sorts of media? what does it teach us and show us, what does it tell us about our world and our thinking and our views, what does it bring out in us that makes us love it so much? it just absolutely fascinates me.

and yes omg the amount of worldviews created just by religions is incredible! all our worldviews are defined by either religion or the lack thereof. what is it about humanity that makes us long for something else beyond ourselves so much? we dont see religions in animals (as far as i know). what makes us like this?

yesss the mind is SO fricking COOL!! 'the brain is the only know organ that can ponder itself'. that quote trips me up everytime lol. cause like wowww its just amazing!

and yes omg the way the brain reacts to stimuli and how it grows based on surroundings, like the importance of color in a childs development! just incredible! so so interesting

reallyyyy thats so neat! what big differences/similarities have u found so far?

yess i love those elegant tattoos ikwym. ooh i *think* ik what u mean but maybe show a picture?

okay now thats cool so basically giving them drugs to induce realizations/unlock things? thats sickkk. have u seen that one post about people who did some sort of drug and then realized like people deserve food and stuff without having to earn it? im explaining it so badly omg 😭😭

YES ITS SO COOL i saw this video of an old ballerina with some sort of memory loss and they played music she danced too years and yearssss ago and she started doing the hand motions 🥺. it was so so cool music is SO powerful like i firmly believe that we need more music in our lives. LIVE music not just recordings. and we need to produce our own music too, learn instruments, sing.

it isss its so so tiring but its so fun i love my babies so much they are just the sweetest. and omg theyre so funny 🤣🤣 ive got so many stories. i love watching them grow and seeing how their little brains work is fascinatingggg like they say things i never wouldve thought of.

its now almost 4 pm and im supposed to be working on painting my walls lol so see ya!

also thanks for answering these stupidly long asks i havent had such a good convo in AGES ur an amazing conversationalist and so smart! not even gonna lie im a little in love with u now lmao

🍒

YES i live for them <33 if im not horny posting i'm probably yapping about history or philosophy or neuroscience hahsh

oh?? gonna overpower me? take me by the wrists and hold me down while i shift under your weight? put me on the ground while you tie my arms behind my back? i'm strong baby, you'll have to tie that lace so tight it digs into my skin. only then will you be able to have your way.

hmm maybe you do stand a chance, but who knows, you'll just have to follow through and then we'll see what you're capable of. maybe you're just all bark and no bite.

(same!! any animal ones like puppy or bunny make me uncomfortable lol)

(oh goddd smart women yes yes i'm drooling over them)

you explained it exactly how i process it in my mind omg. it's that realization that really grounds history, making it tangible and understandable. and something that stuck with me that i heard once about how to describe that feeling, the recognition of life's profoundness, its so beautiful it almost hurts. it digs into your mind and causes what i can only describe as some kind of longing. i'm not sure if that makes any sense.

YEAH mythology obsession started with percy jackson i'm ngl, then i started reading everything i could about greek myths and eventually roman and nordic ones (oh my god nordic mythology tbh may be my favorite) i've been meaning to get into egyptian and other african mythologies but i've never considered irish mythology and i may need to start looking into that. AND YES i've thought about that specifically so many times, how there are so many parallels between mythologies and stories told globally, no matter how isolated they are from each other. it really indicates human tendency to explain morality, nature, ethics, etc. through metaphor and the instincts that are still ingrained in us.

i love that question so much you have no idea. why do we have such a strong tendency to that which is beyond us?? why are we drawn to the divine? there are so many philosophical conversation so could get into for this but that would actually take hours so i'll spare you lol

yes yes yes my favorite is the "saying your brain is like saying my me, it doesn't make sense, you are your brain" and that opens so much about consciousness and its connection to/derivation from the brain ughh i love it so much.

children's brains are actually so adaptive it's insane, it's why they're so impressionable. they're brains are constantly creating new pathways and reforming new structures to manage all the stimuli processing

well mainly within neuroplasticity, the older you are the less you're able to adapt and reform old functions, so adolescents have much much much more neural flexibility in comparison to someone in their 80s !!

man i wish i could transmit a mental image on here because i dont really have any pictures that would do what i'm thinking of justice lmao

yeah essentially that's what's going on!! psilocybin is insanely impactful on your mental state no matter the context it's taken in, so honing that and using it for therapy is so cool imo. i haven't seen that video but i think it sounds familiar?? sounds like something that would happen to someone on mushrooms though haha since it basically drops the barriers on your sense of self and reconnects you to the world

I SAW THAT VIDEO TOO OMG IT WAS SO COOL the impact music has is actually insane in almost every context. and i 100% agree, real in person music needs to be brought back not only for ambiance but also for the experience of it. bring back jazz bar popularity tbh

oh my god that's so adorable and oh yeah on the saying things you'd never thought you'd hear from them. the lack of filter is so entertaining. idk if i already asked but how long have you been working with them?? i can tell you how much you adore them awww <333

you should totally dm me baby!! i love the long asks too though so don't apologize for that bc it's so fun <3

[ohfuckvibeogames]

Here I Abandon

Slightly messy fiction about looking at the sun.

_______________

You're on your elbows and knees in front of his throne, facing off to the side. You're being used as a footrest, Miquella's legs pressing into your back, and you're sweating and shaking from exhaustion and the nervousness of him touching you. And in a moment of weakness you glance over at him and see his face for a moment with your left eye before frantically staring back at the floor again, like you have been for the past 20 hours a day every day for the past three years. It was just a small glance, only for a second, Miquella probably doesn't even mind if you look at him, but for you it felt like you violated him. Even if just for a moment. You spend the rest of your day feeling like you have to throw up, nauseous and full of dread. At the end of the day, rather than passing out as soon as you can like normal, you force yourself up and touch your face. You had considered it before, in the flash of thoughts while you regretted sullying his visage, but now you decided to pay penance and make sure it wouldn't happen again. At first, you tried to cut across it and use a spirit to do finish it, it made sense, if wandering sight was the problem, getting rid of sight in that eye would solve it. But it became clear that that wouldn't work, and despite the pain you realized you had to remove the offending part entirely. Popping it out was made harder by your failed first attempt, the split made it hard to get any angle yoy could press into it, not to mention the slick. But still you were suprised at how manageable it was to do, maybe the shock helped.

And, of course, you knew you were doing it for Him.

Clear immediately, you knew you'd have to pull it out further for any clean cut, you always figured it was more like a ball on a string, but it was more like a budding fruit or a teardrop, you had to pull it further to get to the stem. You knew it was too late to try and push it back now, but still you shuddered and cried wondering what would have happened if you had decided differently. Now; back then; three years ago when you were scooped up. No, you cannot abandon. You gingerly lift the dangling lump with the back of your finger. You cannot see anything but a smear and bright lights through it, your undamaged eye is blurred from tears. They havent stopped flowing since you started.

You raise the shears and inhale.

. . .

The severed lump rolled off your breast and fell into the floor with a thud. You don't hear it though, you can't breathe and you sieze on the floor grasping at your face uselessly. It takes time for you to stop, you know you wanted it, and you feel guilty for not going into it with full love and devotion. Your pain and regret are betrayal, so you lay down and stare at the wall with your one remaining eye. The shock starts to wear off, and you feel yourself losing consciousness, letting yourself drift off laying in the puddle of blood and wet that you know you'll have to scrub off the floors the morning. You wonder what you'll do with the eye. If he'll say anything about it or acknowledge you at all. Say something to you, finally. Please

As you let yourself wander, one small thought ends up rising as you begin to drift off into nothing

What if your face's newfound assymetry offends Lord Miquella's grace? Meekly, on the other side, you touch your hand to your face again.

[kaleidosouls]

hi. (pulls out uke)

IM JOKING but i havent posted here in forever huh, are ppl still around? i guess ill comment on like, whats been going in in the time i havent posted

so a long time ago now i wanted to like, cut off from twitter, so i deleted the kaleidosouls twitter, and wanted to keep my art stuff just on insta mostly, trying to move since twitter is a sinking ship right. then my instagram got deleted for no reason (and so did my pinterest that was ful of refs and honestly that was more upseting than insta getting deletedand losing all my art following)

ive been mildly caught up in IRL/college stuff in the meantime,having da depression, and the exec dysfunction same as awlays like. not much has actually been happening but ive been going acutally all over the place trying to figure out what im gonna do with my internet social media stuff. im looking into internships (other field) and im like, i havent given up being an artist professionally exactly but i think im like fuck it. fuck this like, building my Internet career or whatever. like, im gona wokr on my art portfolio and try to find art job stuf thats not really about how popular my art is on twitter or smth. none of that shit rly matters anymoer. same w here, i probably wouldve delted this tumblr if it wasnt the main like, blog so all my other blogs dpened on this one right.

im not like, done posting art online but ive been changing how im going about it and i still havent found my like, place yet. i did remake instagram, a main one and one for creature/pokemon stuff. idk im figuring out my life but i guess the main point is that its all a mess, and its not a disaster like things are going bad or anythin just that ive been in this inertia of disorder for a long time. im getting old. really tired lately, barely draw that much

i still rly love and am holding onto my personal ideas/projects that i want to execute oveer time altho they cant be a priority rn becuase of stuff in life. i got a really bad attention span so ill probably like, work on smth a lot for a few ays and then pick it up again in a year or more. the SU stuff is one of those. i actually ammaking this post bc i got really fucking dickhead comments and i was thinking of going off but my social media paranoia PR brain is like weighting on how i cant do that bc itll make my brand look bad and immature, and its like exhausting to live like that yk. altho it Is wise to restrain myself from being mean dsgkj but i also think itd be funny to cuss ppl off so :( life is very hard as an adult!

anyway point is. thigns are a mess rn and they will continue to be for the time being. my accoutns got obliterated so if you wanna keep up with me maybe follow my instagram if you want, i keep forgetting tumblr exists so tahst why i post so little on here. i do like postingt here though, nad i like making little blogs. i like ppls tags on ym art and replies. even the pricky ones like, i get to engage my brain a litlte bit adn its like ppl are out there yk? seieng my stuff, rather than just like, a bunch of numbers of how many likes or reblogs smth has.

most of the stuff left on this blog is for SU reclaimed and i still rly like the idea and its good coping for me and i want to pick it up sometimes but idk what to do with it wrt how i wanna present the content. ive considerd many times making a separate tumblr for it and i am considering that Again but maybe i should just quit it and post it here and forget about that. and find a different way to present the totality of the contents of the AU and use this tumblr as a way to just post it like, a 'devblog' (i am not developing SHIT this is just conceptual design writing stuff)

if theres anyone still following thats like engaged/interested in SU reclaimed feel free to comment with your thoughts or suggestions,i guess i could make an instagram for it? but ehh... idt thats how i wanna like, execute it. welp. i guess if i do make smth ill post about it here,i guess the point is that maybe i can try to post on here moreoften, idk, like i want my instagrams to be more tidy and like, impersonal. i deleted twitter bc i dont want to engage that personalyl at ALL anymore as an artist w viewers. not to mention it sinking. but i guess tumblr Is the perfect place to keep that unprofessional, slightly casual blogging artist experience. maybe if i get to cuss ppl out :D but then i dont wanna get harassed later over it. hm.. sucks to exist online tbh

thank u if youve read this far. if youre a mutual (somehow) or a long time follower and wanna know how to better keep up w me since i know im disappearing a lot feel free to dm

[zaptap]

oh yeah pokemon presents in a few hours huh

after a whole year theyre finally going to show us what legends z-a actually looks like. probably. uncharacteristically early reveal for pokemon but according to the teraleak it did get delayed. originally i thought theyd pull a 2022 and release it early this year and squeeze in another main series game at the end of the year (precisely one week before black friday as usual) but it's a bit late for that (though it couldve been the original plan). i was also maybe expecting an unova remake sometime but after hearing that they almost didnt do a sinnoh one i no longer really expect that to happen. after bdsp if i were them i dont think id have ilca do another but idk lol)

hopefully they dont show any other main series games besides z-a. taking 2024 off had BETTER be the start of a new trend of taking their time between releases (do you remember when they announced bdsp and legends arceus back to back in the same presentation. and arceus came out like 2 months after bdsp. what the fuck was up with that)

just realized it has been half a decade since the pmd remake so maybe they'll do a pmd2 one. unfortunately i havent played it since about that long because acnh coming out a couple weeks later completely derailed my playthrough (well. having a super drifty right joycon also played a huge part, since that made dungeons unplayable. if i was in a room it kept moving the camera and if i was in a hallway i was trapped behind a message box telling me i couldnt do that. at that time i was doing mainly handheld so it was a big issue. but i do more docked now and have since replaced that joycon so i could go back to the game)

maybe theyll show more of detective pikachu 2? when was that supposed to come out. ok wtf apparently it came out over a year ago and i was just too busy playing splatoon to notice so nevermind lol. i guess thats yet another game i need to play

honestly beyond that i dont think i really care what happens. as usual theyll probably pad at least half of it with mobile game shit that idgaf about. which is fine. i like it that way actually, ive got enough pokemon stuff i want to play already without them dumping more on me (i need to get back to my living dex project before they pull the plug on bank...)

next year is the 30th anniversary? thats fucked up. they just did the 20th anniversary like. a couple days ago. and i wasnt ok about it hitting that number either

[x-lynx-x]

lynx log #2

i wandered into jimmys room, and it was now snowing!! like how there was leaves everywhere in victors room, theres now snow in jimmys(i think it had something to do with nicole waking up, cuz jimmys room kinda looked like hers....)we sat on the bed for a bit n they were having trouble talking, so i thought i'd read a wolvie comic to help get their voice back >:[ theres a lot of comics on our desk that havent been put away yet, so i chose this one cuz it kinda looks like jimmy on the cover.....

so i was reading it(a lot of the panels look a lot like jimmy!!facial recognition stuff) and uhm. this page made me realize something.

nothin special on the page, just was the one i realized on. we're been thinkin a lot lately on if we have a primary soul, n who it might be! cuz everyone seems to think theyre the real soul....but its probably jimmy ): we get a lot of messages thru media n we gotta out them together like puzzle pieces. a message we got a couple years ago(but was reminded of today cuz someone liked one of our old posts abt it) was for a character named church. SO a scientist guy made a clone of his consciousness called epsilon, n put epsilon thru a bunch of simulated trauma, which then split him into other consciousness (like us!) n church was a direct clone of epsilon who didnt remember any of the trauma. and also didnt know abt the experiment!! then eventually he found all the other consciousnesses and epsilon n him fused together n he remembered EVERYTHING!! we've had the word epsilon associated with memories ever since '^' and theres a comic where a guy named epsilon red starts giving wolvie his memories back too!!

we've known abt the experiment since we were uhmmm maybe 11? or 10? we've been gettin hints for awhiilleeee but our recent journey in remembering all of eachother again feels similar to the journey church went on....oh yea! context -> me n my system used to know eachother when we were younger, but around age 15 we all got stuck together n forgot ): but in the past month we've been slowly separating n remembering eachother again!! it was a prophecy for vic n victor(similar but 2 different guys hehe) to spend our bday with jimmy, n it thankfully happened!!! we were worried abt there being a big fight that day(since sabes n wolvie usually fight on that day) n well....that turned out to be true too v_v they forgot how often they fought n there was a fight that morning n victor ended up also fighting with tiff(another member) during the day too(the problem was that jimmy didnt believe either of them were real, n victor even really tried proving himself by fronting for a several days before they remembered eachother! he was searching really hard for jimmy, just like jimmy had been all those years he couldnt remember him...). but that day ended good, so thats all settled now :3 except for the nicole fighting today lol oops.

anywayyyyy back to the story!! after i told jimmy abt this theory, he started changing more into logan(the one in the comic) and vic got concerned and came over to our room. he was crying and didnt know why ): he looked similar to the comic too.

vic held logan for a bit....uhmmm what did we talk about hmm.......OH

right!!!the experiment!!!!so this comic is about how they layer a fake memory over top of real ones, so it implies that sabes n fox were also being experimented on like X was!! so in our case, maybe we're not fake split offs, but rather we're all connected somehow. (we have a member whos name means 'birth of X' btw!!)

that was one of our theories at age 13, that all of us were sleeping in the same lab somewhere. but maybe we knew eachother too.....

the big question is -> whos helping us wake up?

woahhhh cliffhanger :o stay tuned for more fun lynx adventures!!!!!✨✨

[imayhavebpd]

Some context: the rant below may be disturbing, I talk about my relationship that is not going too good at the moment and about my worsening mental health.

Im nb and queer, so is my partner.

Just had the biggest fight with my partner and now he wants to leave me. after 3.5 years. We are both severely mentally ill and he wants to give up on our relationship. He doesnt care anymore, he has been breaking my trust over and over for the past few months. Suspicious relationship with a friend, going to her house, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and staying the night multiple times. He even confessed to sleeping in her bed once because he "felt light headed" . Her calling him in the middle of the night because she needed comfort. Him being ready to drop everything at any given moment to come to her place. He told me that they have been joking about him cheating on me with her since her newest boyfriend is so similar to him. Couple days ago he told me that he has been smoking weed with her, despite it being illegal in the place we live in. Drugs (each and every one) scare me so much and he knows that and still when I told him that I felt betrayed and disturbed he started calling me conservative and close minded. For the record, I dont think there is anything wrong with using any kind of drug, I just wished he would say something before he started doing drugs with her (and now he talks about doing mushrooms because they have a mutual friend who tries to grow them in her house). He likes to bully and tease me, make me feel bad and says that hes just joking. He lied to me in the past and about something very important too. He has been hiding that thing from me for months and we lived together. His parents are walking all over me, abusing both of us, trying to get us kicked out of our flat, despite being very rich they dont support him financially in any way and since he cant or wont find a job it falls on me to take care of finance (that is rent, food, medicine, transportation). I am beyond tired, Im suicidal and he doesnt care. He just doesnt care anymore. My job is literally killing me and I havent quit yet because the only way we can live together is if I have it. I feel betrayed, I feel emotionally cheated on, Im so disappointed that he would break my trust just to smoke weed with that girl and her friends and have fun.

The thing is.

I love him beyond words. I missed him before we knew each other. We are each others first partners, we are just 20 and we met in high school. Im autistic, and I really cant create deep relationships with other people. I dont know why, I just dont feel that way about the vast majority of people. Before I met him I felt lonely for all my life, there were people around me but no one understood me and they never felt like companions to me. We have been through hell together and its not the first time its bad. Almost every time it goes the same way, I want to fight for our relationship and he wants to leave, says that he doesnt love me anymore, that he doesnt feel anything. Now I lay in our bed, he is in the other room and I wait for him to come and talk to me.

He once crawled into our bed besides me and whispered that he could kill me if he wanted to, since he a lot taller and stronger than me. I never thought too much of it, but always it felt kinda weird.

Im not a good person, I told him that I want to kill myself and when he didnt want to talk earlier I asked what would happen if I left and didnt come back. He says that Im emotionally blackmailing him and he probably is right. I dont know, I have let so many things slide with him. I was screaming and crying and begging and he has been packing his stuff and ignoring me. And then I hit him. On his arm, not to hurt him but I know it was wrong. I wanted him to stop ignoring me but what I did is the worst thing I could have done. He said that this is probably the end as Im in his words "in the worst place mentally that I have ever been in". I cried all night, I cant sleep or eat, Im not thirsty, I just want the pain to stop. I want to hurt myself, I want him gone from my life, I want him to love me and care about what he has done to me, I want him to admit that he has ruined our relationship. I dont know who he is, he is a stranger to me but we have been together for all my life. I love him to death, I want to spend my life with him, I never want to see him again. He is still here, he has been taken away by his new friends and soon probably lovers and he has been taken away by himself and what is left I dont recognise.

Ive always invested more in this relationship, allowed hin to cross my boundaries when it made him happy untill I didnt have any left. I accept him, I love him, Im always there for him, he takes things out on me and I just continue to support him. I help him with his art and studies, I paint his nails and help him with anything he wants or needs help with. I allow him to run different psych. tests on me as he needs them for his studies, I give him my time and attention. Still, he is disgusted with my emotions, made me feel dirty by repeately telling me that I stink for over a month (and then admitted that I dont, he just thought it was a funny joke), told me that my anger is evil and pathological and that I should never feel it. He hates my body, hates that I have a human body and that Im not made out of glass and silicone and plastic. He doesnt kiss me on the lips and he finds my afab genitals to be extremly gross.

I lost so much in the past month, Im scared for my life. I lost a job opportunity that would have been perfect for me, and then I lost even more job opportunities. I may have lost my flat, I will probably have to move out untill the end of april. And now I have lost my boyfriend.

I know how it all sounds, but this is a vent and there is much more good than bad, we have loved each other deeply for a long time now.

[exanuz]

ill say a bit here because its a little funny at the end😭

basically. attachment issues all my life. blah blah blah. recently (~2 years ago?) i met this person and my attachment decided it LOVES xem. only think about xem, things associated with xem. weve tried to be friends but xe has xyr own mental issues that make it. difficult.

cut to a year ago. xe disappeared. thats fine. this happened before, was only for a little bit, xe should pop back up in a month or two

cut to ~10 months later. no return. over the past few months, unsurprisingly, severe negative emotion was building up. consistant crying. etc. at the same time, im also considering watching season 3, since i heard about the horrors martha went through, and while i felt i agreed she went through bad shit, i felt itd be strange to say that at all when i havent seen it myself, only heard claims. it just so happened i got a s1 - s4 dvd set, so, i begin to watch "martha who" as i jokingly called it

i mention simm mas only a few times to friends because, at the time, i had no reason to do more, although he occupied my brain a tiny bit more than characters usually do

one day, im talking to the only friend who really knows about the person and such. i say something i dont properly remember, but its me trying to talk about my mental state. it was something like, "im in a prison of the wind, theres no key to break out with but there has to be a warden somewhere, where is the warden"

then, a day later, i realise something. since i thought about simm mas a bit more than i usually do characters, maybe, just maybe, i could have him overtake things related to that person in my brain. he could become the warden. i didnt have much faith, but i tried really hard, and i succeeded. when the number of months was lower, i felt bad about the idea of trying to latch away from xem even a little bit, like i was betraying xem. but, at that point, even though i still did feel a little bad, i understood i Had to do this. my tiredness of going through these emotions overweighed any guilt

i still think about xem occasionally, of course, but now its just a character with no outside relation that is my entire brain. of course, i cant banish the symptoms, so everything that was towards xem is now towards simm mas. i get legitimately scared at the idea of people learning about him, similar to how i was about xem. (thats the funny part) however, unlike what i was (... and still am) able to do with xem, possibly because of the circumstances, i was able to manage to talk about him by name and with details not just to one person, not just to all my friends, but to a small discord server where i wasnt all that familiar with anyone, although i havent progressed past that. but its good, because it means im able to do a bit better

i probably need therapy, but that costs too much money, so instead i made a new account (this one) to isolate talking about him to (i cant bring myself to break through the barrier to talk about him on my soon to be old account)

i was worried hed leave my brain after a week or two and id be stuck back in that hell, but hes still going strong👍👍👍👍👍 1 year anniv in feb... HALF A YEAR IN AUGUST!!!! also i felt a bit bad like 'i watched it for martha and i come out with this guy' but whatever i guess.....

while mobile browser theme editting doesnt cooperate with me very well ill see if it will let me make a page... i want to share a bit about why i latched onto simm mas and the various effects on my mental state because i think its a little interesting

[mrfoox]

Let's play the game... Am I just imagining things or projecting hardcore or... Is someone actually into me?

[burnedwriter]

‘’too late’’

A/n:ft xiao,childe and diluc.These are some headcanons of how their worst nightmare came to life,your death

warnings:angst,mention of death,gender-neutral language used.

🐋childe/tartaglia

🐋Childe is a harbinger as we all know so he probably has a lot of enemies or people trying to get him and if its not directly him that means they will come after you,to hit him exactly were it hurts the most.

🐋That’s one of the many reasons he has taught you how to fight in the first place,just in case something like this happens when hes away on a mission,but is this really enough to keep you from harms way.

🐋One day he will come against a gloomy discovery that was about to unfold as he came back to your home.

Walking towards the house,he saw footprints going towards your house.It took him a second to realize what was going on from the shock,thinking of the worst case scenario,his heart started beating loudly as he rushed towards the house as fast as he could.

‘‘shit shit shit’‘he whispered to himself all the negative thoughts circling around in his mind,he hoped to see you peacefully reading your book but that was far from the truth.

bursting through the door he saw you sitting up with your back against the wall one hand holding the bloody sword and the other pressing on the big wound you had on you abdomen.He immediatly run on your side trying to get you to get up.

‘‘please get up ,i need to get you to safety’‘he choked,his voice shaky tears threatening to escape from his eyes,his worst nightmare coming to life as he continued to try and get you to stand up.

‘‘Ajax,its ok ,please it’s too late now’‘you struggled to say,your hand leaving the sword and putting it on his head,stroking his hair softly one last time as he put his head in the crook of your neck,sobbing quietly staining your shoulder with tears,it was the first time you saw childe cry,it always broke your heart seeing him in pain but it was too late now the only thing you could do was hold him in your warm embrace as it slowly turned cold,taking your last breath.

🦉Diluc

🦉Just like childe he has many enemies but in diluc’s case it’s the fatui he has to look out for.Even though he had run ins with them years ago he still has an eye out for them since they are scattered all over mondstadt.

🦉Diluc was always  cautious about you going out on your own without supervision aka him being your bodyguard but in response to that you always said that everything was going to be ok and there was nothing to worry about.

🦉Not until today....

🦉Coming back to the winery he sensed something was off,getting greeted by Adeline instead of you was a rare sight as it only happened when you were sick or extremly tired.

‘‘Master diluc,please dont panic with what i am about to say’‘Adeline nervously said,making Diluc’s heart skip beats and drop in an instant even without Adeline telling him but let her finished anyways as he didnt want to jump to conclusion.

‘‘they havent come back’‘she said with the same anxious tone in her voice.

‘‘I wil go look for them’‘Diluc said calmly.He may looked calm and collected on the outside but on the inside he could feel his soul wither as time passed.

Leaving the winery in a haste,he got on his horse and off he was,the first location he went to was mondstadt,trying desperatly to ask people about your whereabouts or if they have seen you at all but  it was late at night so the only people to ask where the knights at the main gate.The knights telling diluc that they saw you leave the city and take the road that lead towards the winery.Taking the same path diluc’s body slowly started getting overtaken by stress as he saw no sight of you.

Suddenly he saw a person laying in the middle of the pathath.

‘‘no it can’t be’‘diluc whispered out loud,getting closer and realizing who the person was.Getting off his horse he sprinted towards you.

He breathed heavily as he held you lifeless corpse on his hand,tears streaming down his cheeks,shaking you desperatly to ‘’wake up’’ as he couldnt believe that you were dead right before his very own eyes,regretting his desition letting you go out alone.From all the shaking,diluc noticed that you were holding something on your half closed hand,taking it off he saw that it was a fatui insignia.Did you try to fight back?or did they placed it there on purpose knowing that diluc would find you eventually.His grief slowly turned into burning hatred.Taking you into his arms and taking you back to the winery for a proper burial.

‘‘i won’t let them get away with it,i promise’‘stroking your face softly one last time,starting to plot his revenge for what they did to avenge you.

🍃😠Xiao

🍃😠Now Xioa he was always scared and very cautious when you were away traveling before coming back to liyue to stay for a bit and leaving again to continue your travels again.You would sent him letters knowing your were abouts with photos of beautiful scenary that you took from  the places you are visiting.

🍃😠He told you to call out his name no matter how dangerous the situation was and that he will be there for you  no matter what.

🍃😠Unlike the others Xiao never saw you die.He realized it when latern rite happened,you always came to liyue around that time to visit and pass time with him as it was the aniversary where the two of you officially became a couple.

This time was different,you never showed up during latern rite nor he recieved any letters from you that you werent going to make it this year’s latern rite nor the next nor the one after that,At first he thought you found someone else but he realized that wasnt thecase,Xiao quickly realized that your luck might have caught up to you.He felt devistated he wasnt even able to say goodbye to you,the ;ast conversation you two had running on rpeat inside his head over and over again remembering the last location you were going to visit before you left.Getting up from where he was sitting he decide that he was going to find you no matter what.

[madame-wilsonn]

I got you

Gif credit: @thesoldiersminute

Summary: Tommy and you have been invited by Mosley to a gala which takes place in the ballroom where Tommy lost his first wife, Grace.

A/N: This...okay it was amazing how I imagined it but I’m not really proud of how it turned out, still want to post this since I havent posted anything in ages so I still hope you like it! Also the title and the summary suck so it might change if I find something better lol. Final note, this is set in 1934 and I got inspired by some set pictures of s6 where they shot in the same place used for the gala in s3

Warnings: panic attack, mentions of death, some angst but ends with fluff (also :my writing and English isn't my first language)

“Her husband didn’t hire that new maid for her housework skills if you know what I mean…”

A combination of theatrical shocked gasps and posh, elegant laughter erupted from the small gathering of trophy wives as they shared in the newest gossips. You used all your inner strength to not roll your eyes, afraid they might get stuck in the back of your head. You were only half listening to whatever idle talk these ladies enjoyed, your eyes lost in the distance, scanning the room. 

The ballroom was dazzling with its giant chandeliers and a tremendous string quartet playing with its guests in their most opulent garments, waves of silk and organza, stylishly pinned up hair and bow ties. But nothing was worthy of your attention, after all this was just a gathering of rich people doing what they knew best: being rich. 

Finally, you spotted your husband walking back in the room with the same man whose murder he had planned. You didn’t know exactly what had gone wrong or what happened really and Tommy had been so unpredictable, so mentally fragile afterwards you chose to let go. 

But this was already five years ago and the world was scarier with people like Mosley running countries in all Europe. Nevertheless, your husband was determined to bring him down or at the very least try to contain his deranged ideals.

You turned your focus back to the bunch of ladies chatting, a splendid smile stretching your painted lips.

“If you’ll excuse me, I need to go see Tommy”

Before they could even comment on how adorable and lovely you two were, you had found your place by him. He wrapped his arm around your waist, gently squeezing it.

“You’re finally here, I thought I was going to stab one of those shrew with my hair pin.” you whispered in his ear “ah, Mr.Mosley, thank you for inviting us!” 

You turned your attention towards the man as he gauged you like some vulture, a tight smile on his lips.

“It’s a pleasure to have you here and if I may, you look absolutely ravishing, Mrs. Shelby.”

You felt your stomach heave at the tone of his voice but you concealed it with another fake smile. You couldn’t let Tommy down, not now, not tonight.

For tonight’s gala, over the fact that it was yet another event you had to attend, took place in the very same ballroom Tommy’s first wife lost her life. Everybody had heard of the tragedy and you would expect a man as meticulous, as thorough as Mosley wouldn’t have insisted this much to make sure Tommy came, knowing the history of the place and yet…

To you he was just a cruel, disgusting monster who probably invited your husband just because he could, just because he had the power to. And it wouldn’t surprise you the least if he had chosen to host his gala here for this very reason.

However, Tommy was aware he couldn’t back down or refuse but he was tensed, anxious and always on his guard, even more so than usual. He didn’t sleep the night before and spent the afternoon in the forest close to the manor. You had your own little guesses on what he was doing there but the last thing he needed was a lecture about his opium consumption.

A loud, crashing bang resonated through the room tearing you away from your own thoughts. Before you could even register what was happening, Tommy was in front of you, shielding your body from the source of the sound with his.

His mind was racing with images, thoughts, memories, the blood on his hands, the screaming, the waiting, Polly’s voice telling him nothing could be done, the black, the funeral, the sleepless nights, the guilt, the guilt, so much guilt…

“Tommy?”

And now you too, you were bleeding, your eyes out of their usual sparkle, your soft skin slowly turning redder and redder but there was no sapphire this time, only himself to blame.

It’s you. It’s you, Tom. It’s you. You killed me. You killed us both, it’s you.

“Tom?”

He stared at you as if you weren’t really here. He couldn’t breathe, the silk bow tie around his neck more like a noose, his legs were shaking just like the rest of his body, his mind clouded with terrible visions, cold sweats running down his back, he was suffocating, he had to get out.

He faintly heard the echo of your voice but couldn’t register what you were saying. How could you even talk?

As soon as you understood what was happening, you grabbed Tommy’s hand and dragged him inside the first quiet, calm room you could find. 

“Tommy, darling, listen to me, hey.”

You brought a hand to his cheek to make him focus on you.

“It was just a waiter, a tray of glasses fell, everyone’s okay.”

The man’s chest was heaving up and down in a panicked rhythm.

“You…the blood…the…I can’t breathe, I can’t-“

“I know, I know, love but let’s just breathe together, alright? You can breathe with me, can you do that?” 

He kept staring at you as if you weren’t supposed to be here. Everything was so confusing, how could you comfort him and be so calm when a second ago you were dying in his arms? 

Of course he was aware of the visions his mind tortured him with whenever he took opium but he couldn’t help it, as much as he tried to slow down, there were always moment where he felt like it was the only way to survive.

However, even with you standing before him, even with the knowledge of everything just being a terrible hallucination caused by his own imagination, he couldn’t shake off the image of you, slowly dying at his expense.

“Tommy, hey, I’m okay. Nothing happened, it was just noise, remember? Just noise.”

As you realized your words weren’t enough, you brought his hand right above your heart where he could feel the soft thumping of your blood inside your body. 

“See? I’m okay!”

She’s alright. She’s alright. She’s alright

His mind seemed to repeat over and over again at the sensation of your beating heart underneath his hand. The massive weight on his chest lifted itself a little bit, allowing Tommy to hear you more clearly.

“Now, you have to breathe, alright? Let’s do it together, let’s breathe together, yeah?”

You counted down as you inhaled and exhaled slowly until he was breathing normally again.

But even with air filling his lungs again, the strength had completely left his body. Tommy let his head drop against your shoulder as a trembling sigh escaped his lips and you gently kissed his head, guiding your bodies to the marbled floor.

You kept your arms around him, allowing him to relish in your comforting embrace.

“Do you feel better?” you whispered after a few minutes of silence.

He nodded against your shoulder, tightening the grasp he had around your waist.

“Could we stay here for a bit? I-I don’t want to go back.”

You bit your cheek to suppress your own sadness at his tone. It always broke your heart the way he always looked so grand and arrogant and scary on the outside when he was still just like a little boy inside. 

“So let’s not.” you answered simply

He pushed himself from you enough to look at your eyes, confused

“What do you mean?”

You smiled softly at him.

“Let’s not go back, let’s leave. You don’t have to stay here, you don’t owe anything to anyone.”

He scoffed, shaking his head.

“We can’t go, you know that. Mosley would-”

“Screw Mosley! Just-just say I’m feeling very ill! I probably ate some bad shrimp and you have to take me home because you’re worried, no one would ever question that! And even if they do, no one would dare tell you! So let’s go, you don’t have to spend your evening here, especially if you don’t want to!”

His gaze fixed on you, Tommy couldn’t stop wondering when the hell had he become so lucky to have you by his side. He grabbed the hand you presented him and before you could walk out of the room, he spun you around, bringing you flush against his chest.

“Thank you, Y/N”

You smiled at him as a reply, bringing his hand up to your lips to kiss his knuckles. 

You both managed to get out of the hall unnoticed, grabbing your coats and your car before anyone could realize the infamous Shelby couple had escaped the gala. In the comfort of your car, Tommy finally let some of the tension go as you kept a hand on his thigh, your thumb moving up and down in soothing movements. 

Your marriage was far from perfect and it may have had more downs than ups but there wasn’t a day where Tommy Shelby wasn’t grateful to have a little haven of peace in his hellish life.