#my experience as someone who keeps getting dragged by adhd is still getting high to average grades

[berryblu-soda]

going through the notes on that homeschool post like, are you guys okay????

[dimonds456]

Adding to this! My experience is very limited (as I only just started using a cane full-time about a month and a half ago with no instructions), but I would like to take a moment to talk about some cane-related struggles a character might run into, especially if they came flying in blind like I did!

Theft

Yep. Theft. I actually got a cane around this time last year, but within the first two weeks of my having one, it got stolen. I don't know why, but I have heard from other cane users in my area that that happens a lot, surprisingly. My cane was taken by a fellow college student, though I was never able to figure out who did it or even when, as I was still adjusting to it and kept forgetting it when I left rooms.

2. Forgetfulness

Adjusting to having a cane, especially if it's not medically diagnosed, is weird. You suddenly have to keep track of a stick you need all the time, and for characters who have ADHD or otherwise have terrible memory, that can be a challenge at first. I know I often had to return to classrooms to go get it because I was just used to walking around without one, and would typically only remember I was missing it when my hips/legs started to hurt or I would go to lean on it and there was nothing there.

3. Big clunky stick needs to sit somewhere while you do.

I have an aluminum adjustable cane, so this is specifically in reference to that type. Trying to find somewhere to set your cane down while you sit can be surprisingly difficult at times. You can't lay it on your lap since it's too long and could disrupt those sitting next to you, you can't lean it on a table if the edge is too low/high (might trip someone), sometimes walls aren't super nearby, and sometimes the floor is really, really dirty or you just can't lean down to pick it back up on that day. I've taken up a bad habit of leaning my chin against the top of my cane in car rides to help with that, which is actually a hazard and you should not do.

4. Transportation / needing both your hands

If your character needs to help bring in the groceries and cannot set their cane down anywhere reliable, trying to adjust and find a reliable way to carry their cane can be hard. I made the mistake of just letting it drag behind me the first time I had to carry groceries home from the bus, and when I got there the rubber part had filed down by quite a lot. But I couldn't use only one hand to carry, I had to use both. I am still figuring out how to do this to this day.

'Course, groceries aren't the only scenario a character might find themselves in, it's just the most immediate example to me since I live pretty much on my own and keep making the mistake of bringing my cane with me whenever I go grocery shopping (and if I leave it home, there's a chance I'll need it and won't have it).

5. "...So, do you actually need a cane?" "Oh no, what happened?!"

If your character was usually seen without a cane and then magically had one the next day, it would definitely raise questions. The thing is, the questions never seem to stop. More people and more strangers who just know them (if they're a retail worker or a bartender or something) will assume that an accident must have occurred for the cane to suddenly appear, when that's not always the case. Like I said, for me, I actually got a cane a year ago before it got stolen 2 weeks in, and both times, I have been getting nonstop questions about where it came from. It was endearing at first, but now it's just frustrating. No, nothing happened, I've always needed a cane, was just hesitant to get one because I didn't want it to be stolen again.

And that's all I've got for now! Don't be afraid to make the cane continue to add to the character's struggles instead of them having one being a fix-all. Yes, having a cane can make life a lot easier, but they also come with their own set of problems and struggles, too. I'm sure I'll find new ways that having a cane makes life a bit harder (I haven't taken it on a plane yet, that's gotta be fun. I have no idea how that works), and I'm sure your characters will, too.

Have fun writing, and happy disability pride month!

A general cane guide for writers and artists (from a cane user, writer, and artist!)

Disclaimer: Though I have been using a cane for 6 years, I am not a doctor, nor am I by any means an expert. This guide is true to my experience, but there are as many ways to use a cane as there are cane users!

This guide will not include: White canes for blindness, crutches, walkers, or wheelchairs as I have no personal experience with these.

This is meant to be a general guide to get you started and avoid some common mishaps/misconceptions, but you absolutely should continue to do your own research outside of this guide!

The biggest recurring problem I've seen is using the cane on the wrong side. The cane goes on the opposite side of the pain! If your character has even-sided pain or needs it for balance/weakness, then use the cane in the non-dominant hand to keep the dominant hand free. Some cane users also switch sides to give their arm a rest!

A cane takes about 20% of your weight off the opposite leg. It should fit within your natural gait and become something of an extension of your body. If you need more weight off than 20%, then crutches, a walker, or a wheelchair is needed.

Putting more pressure on the cane, using it on the wrong side, or having it at the wrong height will make it less effective, and can cause long term damage to your body from improper pressure and posture. (Hugh Laurie genuinely hurt his body from years of using a cane wrong on House!)

(an animated GIF of a cane matching the natural walking gait. It turns red when pressure is placed on it.)

When going up and down stairs, there is an ideal standard: You want to use the handrail and the cane at the same time, or prioritize the handrail if it's only on one side. When going up stairs you lead with your good leg and follow with the cane and hurt leg together. When going down stairs you lead with the cane, then the good leg, and THEN the leg that needs help.

Realistically though, many people don't move out of the way for cane users to access the railing, many stairs don't have railings, and many are wet, rusty, or generally not ideal to grip.

In these cases, if you have a friend nearby, holding on to them is a good idea. Or, take it one step at a time carefully if you're alone.

Now we come to a very common mistake I see... Using fashion canes for medical use!

(These are 4 broad shapes, but there is INCREDIBLE variation in cane handles. Research heavily what will be best for your character's specific needs!)

The handle is the contact point for all the weight you're putting on your cane, and that pressure is being put onto your hand, wrist, and shoulder. So the shape is very important for long term use!

Knob handles (and very decorative handles) are not used for medical use for this reason. It adds extra stress to the body and can damage your hand to put constant pressure onto these painful shapes.

The weight of a cane is also incredibly important, as a heavier cane will cause wear on your body much faster. When you're using it all day, it gets heavy fast! If your character struggles with weakness, then they won't want a heavy cane if they can help it!

This is also part of why sword canes aren't usually very viable for medical use (along with them usually being knob handles) is that swords are extra weight!

However, a small knife or perhaps a retractable blade hidden within the base might be viable even for weak characters.

Bases have a lot of variability as well, and the modern standard is generally adjustable bases. Adjustable canes are very handy if your character regularly changes shoe height, for instance (gotta keep the height at your hip!)

Canes help on most terrain with their standard base and structure. But for some terrain, you might want a different base, or to forego the cane entirely! This article covers it pretty well.

Many cane users decorate their canes! Stickers are incredibly common, and painting canes is relatively common as well! You'll also see people replacing the standard wrist strap with a personalized one, or even adding a small charm to the ring the strap connects to. (nothing too large, or it gets annoying as the cane is swinging around everywhere)

(my canes, for reference)

If your character uses a cane full time, then they might also have multiple canes that look different aesthetically to match their outfits!

When it comes to practical things outside of the cane, you reasonably only have one hand available while it's being used. Many people will hook their cane onto their arm or let it dangle on the strap (if they have one) while using their cane arm, but it's often significantly less convenient than 2 hands. But, if you need 2 hands, then it's either setting the cane down or letting it hang!

For this reason, optimizing one handed use is ideal! Keeping bags/items on the side of your free hand helps keep your items accessible.

When sitting, the cane either leans against a wall or table, goes under the chair, or hooks onto the back of the chair. (It often falls when hanging off of a chair, in my experience)

When getting up, the user will either use their cane to help them balance/support as they stand, or get up and then grab their cane. This depends on what it's being used for (balance vs pain when walking, for instance!)

That's everything I can think of for now. Thank you for reading my long-but-absolutely-not-comprehensive list of things to keep in mind when writing or drawing a cane user!

Happy disability pride month! Go forth and make more characters use canes!!!

[klainesheilen]

February toughts on the books I have read

read

Sylvia Plath’s Journals

I did it and it only took me around two months to finish Sylvia Plath’s Journals. Tho some parts can be read as a fucking novel, because Plath put so much thought in what she wrote, it seemed that she picked every word with so much care. And this from an early age. Probably my favorite part were she reflected her life rather than noting down how she spent the day. I loved reading about how she feels about men, how unfair it is, but how she also tried to find her place by the right one. I liked reading later about her personal thoughts, with no filter on her struggles with finding a foot in the publishing industry. How she felt so high of her writing. These parts, besides others were so nice to read, I got soaked into the book. But I struggled with other parts as well. Reading about her trips was nice, but that’s all, it was just nice to read (and sometimes dragged on for too long). There were also phases were wrote in a note-ish way, it was hard for me to understand what she meant, because, well, it seemed more like notes to her so she wont forget. I mean some were still interesting: how she sketched out ideas, writing ideas, even parts of some writing exercises. But other notes were just lists with which I had no idea what they could be about. In all, I think this book was great. I could get some inside thought on how the brain of such an amazing writer worked with no filter. 4.5 stars.

The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires

This was an audiobook I have picked to listen to while knitting a west. A vampire and a mystery? I was hooked, specially since I am writing an essay on vampires and serial killers. NGL, even I listened to the audibook on more than two times speed, I could feel how parts dragged on. I get it that some scenes happened for the build up of the story, but I was so invested to find out if my theory was right. Because it couldn’t be the first person that I had in mid, right? Anyway, I ended up rating it 4 stars, sure it dragged on for some parts, but in all I really liked the story that focused mainly on Patricia, a housewife who gave up being a nurse to raise her two children while also keeping care of her mother in law. The Dracula version of Desperate housewives, hell yes !!

Kirmes im Kopf

Seldom there are any books about diverse topics such as ADHD in German. Sure, the might be translated ones, but barely any original ones with data that focuses on the country I live in. So when I have found out of Kirmes im Kopf I needed a copy. If you are a little into the topic of ADHD some things are no news to you: ADHD being more than a boy being hyperactive, duh. But the author gives you more information about ADHD and what it means. She lists and investigates facts, that I was surprised to read about. Reasons why women aren’t usually diagnosed with it, what it can lead to when someone isn’t diagnosed with ADHD and has to mask most of the time. Besides that she makes a great way on describing her own experience with ADHD and how it is represented in her every day life. At some parts it dragged on, why I couldn’t find any motivation to keep reading and had to put the book down for some days, but in all it is pretty informative and helpful. 4 stars.

currently reading

Das Buch der fehlenden Ankunft

I have always thought that poetry isn’t for me, but it just seemed that I haven’t picked the right authors. Back in December I read Women without Shame: Poems by Sandra Cisneros and now I’m reading Das Buch der fehlenden Ankunft by Lina Atfah. The author does such a great job on describing her life’s journey: leaving the war in Syria for a life in Germany.

dnf

A Demon’s Guide to Wooing a Witch

I enjoyed A Witch's Guide to Fake Dating a Demon sooo much, but I simply couldn’t get into the second part. Idk, maybe as an audiobook, but I read 50% and couldn’t care less for the characters.

[vampiresuns]

Aelius Anatole Radošević De Silva

Anatole has changed a bit as a character since i was around the first time, so he’s getting re introduced. His open to make friends.

art by @elizastarkart​

Name: Aelius Anatole Radoševic De Silva. He has two surnames because his mother is latina. He is a mixed Latine-Slav, with family that is all latine, vesuvian, and slavic. People he’s friend’s with call him Anatole (russian/greek pronunciation, he doesn’t acknowledge the French one). Only people he has a strictly professional relationship with, and his uncle call him Aelius.

‘Aelius’ means sun, while ‘Anatole’ means sunrise. He’s fully aware of this, he chose his name himself.

His nicknames are:

‘Nana’ is the most common nickname, and the one most people use.

His mother calls him Lilito, Nana, Nanito, Toly, Tolito, Tortolito.

His father calls him Lily or Lilu.

Toly, Tolytoly or Tolito are nicknames used by his maternal grandmother, his aunt, and his Vesuvian family.

He will not mind if you want to call him Toly, but you cannot call him Lily/Lilu if you’re not his father.

Asra came up with Nanatole, which he doesn’t like but lets Asra call him anyway. Asra also came up with Nana Banana and that is absolutely forbidden.

Family: on his father’s side both the Radošević, who are slavic (yugoslavic, specifically), and the Cassano, a prominent Vesuvian family who has had a hold of the Consulship for years.

On his mother side, the De Silva.

His father’s name is Vladislav, but everyone calls him Vlad, he’s an alchemist, a polymath, and works in what is most similar to biochemical engineering. He has one bother, named Valeriy, who you, however, might now as Valerius. Vlad’s biggest personality trait is being head over heels in love with his wife, and adoring his son more than he thought it was humanly possible to care about someone.

His mother’s name is Louisa De Silva (if you want to add her mother’s surname, it’s Lascal). The L-o-u spelling was a registry mistake she never changed. She moved half across the world while her native country suffer a military-civilian dictatorship to study Medicine. She swore never to go back as long as vestiges of said dictatorship remained in the country. She has two sisters: Paris, who lives in Vesuvia, and Alma, who remained with her parents out of her own choosing. Her medical experience include having been a volunteer war doctor. She didn’t change her surname when she got married.

The Radošević (pronounced Radozheveech) and the Cassano have been entangled families by friendship for generations upon generations, with some marriages between them. Notoriously: Vlad and Val’s father married a Cassano, Matilda, and his bother Mircea, Anatole’s great uncle, also married a Cassano: Florentino. Mircea’s brother and Matilda Cassano died when Vlad and Val were children still, so him and Florentino brought them up.

The Radošević are an overall eccentric family (think the european Addams family), whom are noted for: one, their self-sufficiency/self-preservation, which comes out in a very ‘eccentric people of the world unite’ manner. They appreciate people with character. Two, their leanings towards trades/professions, they do not conceive not doing anything (work hard to play hard). The Cassano, while sharing the quirk, they add the zest for life. It’s like they grabbed the Radošević and told them “you have forgotten how to live and we will remind you how.” Both of them are ridden with racially ambiguous bastard you cannot kill in any way that matters. They simply refuse to. Someone (either the courtiers or Lucio) compared them to roaches, they took it as a compliment.

This will tell you a lot about Anatole’s character.

On a last note, Anatole’s an only child. He has a good relationship with his parents, albeit marked by a sense of distance, solely because he was privately tutored from age 15 and on, which required him to travel a fair share. He was an argumentative teenager, but always cherished whenever he could see his parents. The older he gets, the closer they all become.

Favourite Food: Cake

Favourite drink: Coffee, in general.

Favourite Flower: Iris

Birthday: Nov 1st

Age: 29 (I calculate his age as if he had been born in 1991)

Zodiac:

Sun: Scorpio

Moon: Virgo

Rising: Libra

Mercury & Mars: Scorpio

Venus: Virgo

Patron arcana: Strength & Ace of Swords

Strength

Upright: inner strength, bravery, compassion, focus, Reversed: self doubt, weakness, insecurity      

Ace of Swords

Upright: breakthrough, clarity, sharp mind, Reversed: confusion, brutality, chaos

MBTI Type: INTJ-A

Gender: Transmasculine, but Nonbinary. Uses He/Him pronouns only

Orientation: Identifies as NBLM.

LIs: Julian, Muriel, @ilyamatic​‘s Andrico, @thelazaretmakesmesad​‘s Vishal.

“The sun-like strategist with a solution for everything, and a whole lot of hope in the future.”

More details under the cut!

Physical appearance:

art by @lesbianarcana​

5′4. As you can see in the sprite down below, while he’s slim but with muscle, out of doing a moderate to high level of physical activity. The man has a nice waist and inherited his mother’s hips, which he’s very proud of. He likes his legs and his butt the most about himself

Dark brown eyes, long eyelashes. His hair is naturally black, but he dyes it blond.

Has a mole over his right eyebrow, on the left side of the bridge of his nose, and on his left jaw. He has freckles.

An horizontal scar on his nose, which he got by getting hit with a wooden scaffold square in the face. His nose wasn’t broken out of sheer dumb luck. He has a smaller cut on his cheekbone, which was done by a fencing sabre which lacked the proper tip protection/button. It was done onto him by someone else.

The nose scar is how he met Julian before the plague, as he was the doctor which cured his face.

He has several tattoos:

Right arm: A rapier on his inner forearm. Over his elbow he has a black work band, and over it the words ‘THE SUN IS MY UNDOING’ in all caps, circling his arm.

Left arm: a snake wrapped around his forearm, near to the wrist. The Odyssey quote ‘let’s have a toast to the incompetence of our enemies’ under the inner crook of his elbow, and a floral half sleeve.

Chest and Torso: AMOR OMNIA VINCIT over where his heart is supposed to be. He has laurel leaves on the base of his waist.

Legs: ‘o serpent heart hid with a flowering face‘ in his upper, inner thigh, like really up his left inner thigh. A floral anklet on his right ankle.

Languages Spoken: Too many. He speaks nine languages.

Magic Specialities: His magic is connected to both light and languages (it is a play on words with ‘logos’) so he is both adept in photokinesis — he is able to create and manipulate sources of light — and language related magic — which includes incantation and language manipulation. He learns languages as a faster rate than most people, and while he cannot speak or literally understand a language unless he learns it, his magic allows him to intuitively grasp the meaning of words that are being spoken to him.

This capacity also makes him very good at recognising hidden intentions in people. This is not an ability that he broadcasts having, and when he later succeeds Valerius as the Consul, it is something which aids his diplomatic work but he keeps private.

His words tend to carry more weight sometimes because of his magic, something which he can’t always control — it depends on many factors — so he tries to choose his words carefully and with consideration.

His familiar is a Raccoon, named Antu.

Occupation: While he did study magic and is in touch with his magic, he studied politics, diplomacy and international relations. By trade, and out of will to help people, he is a political analyst and, later in life, a Statesman.

Personality/Trivia:

Willpower or Stubbornness? Depends how you look at it. Passionate, generally devoted, hopeful, independent and sometimes defiant. He is a people-oriented introvert. Competitive, but not aggressively so.

Smarter than he gives himself credit for. Overall charming, even debonair.

Curious by nature, hates having his decisions taken for him.

He is proper, sometimes even distinguished, but he is feral. A firm believer in being kind and compassionate with people, until you cross him one too many times, then nothing will make him taint his vindictive wrath.

Is he humble? For the most part. His humbleness comes from knowing his own limits and knowing he’s not infallible. He does have, however, a good deal of pride in himself and trust in what he can do, and he doesn’t like being underestimated.

He’s not particularly loud, though when the chatterbox is on, then it is on, specially if he’s nervous. He is often never still. 

He’s known he has ADHD since he was seventeen.

Likes dancing.

He fences, almost every Radošević fences/sword fights, and he will let you know at the slightest chance. Which can be either him simply being hyper-fixated in fencing, him flirting, or him letting you know that if the occasion rises, he’s armed.

Friend shaped, lover shaped if you’re daring enough.

He wrinkles his nose when he doesn’t like something.

Speaking of which: he doesn’t like abuse of power, the Court, injustice, supremacists of any kind, unkind, hurtful and selfish people in general; he doesn’t like red meat (he says it tastes like metal or dirt), narrow minded people, incompetence, specially when displayed by people in positions of power, and purposeful apathy.

A mastermind archetype, but he draws his power from connection. He does not conceive a life not lived with others.

A bit of a bastard, he enjoys a good laugh.

He plays the piano and the harp, he sings, he cannot draw, he’s a lightweight when it comes to alcohol (which doesn’t really stop him), he likes the opera because he likes watching other people’s drama without being dragged into it, and his favourite season is winter. Also likes playing chess, reading, coffee, flowers, a well tailored outfit, learning, languages, the sea, mysteries, winter, a well laid argument, collecting quills, music, winning, knowing he loves and is loved in return.

When he was 7 he bribed his dad for more dessert, and he ate so much he vomited. His sweet tooth hasn’t gone anywhere, it is alive and well.

Perceptive little bastard, will knife cat you for the sake of it. He has a way more present sense of humour than what he comes across.

Would call himself a ‘trans masculine Mary Poppins’.

He is closest to his parents, his uncle, my other ocs Leonore, Medea and Sabine, his cousins Amparo Cassano and Milenko Radošević, Natiqa, Asra, Portia and Nadia.

If he liked women, he would be paired with Nadia. The possibility both terrifies and fascinates me.

@ilyamatic​, @viviae​, @gaybirdwrites​, @arcanaprentiss​ @apprenticeofcups​

[seven-oomen]

Please talk about Noah! Your takes are super interesting and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

(hope you're having a nice day!)

Alright then strap in! Because I am about to tell you why I think Noah Stilinski is;

A. Bisexual

B. Has the inattentive type of ADHD

Let’s begin!

First off, I think Noah Stilinksi is a bisexual man who has a preference for feminine presenting people. (As one would typically see women dress/appear in western society.) I don’t particularly have evidence for this, I tried scouring S3 to find clues of it, but honestly, I think this is just one of those, I headcanon it and therefore to me, it is true. If you have a different opinion, then awesome, you do you. 

I mean there are some looks between him and Chris Argent that can be interpreted as interested, but you’d have to look very closely. For now, it’s just one of those things, to me it’s like that, and I have fun with it.

Like father, like son right? Except Stiles would be more on the 50/50 scale of bisexuality where I think Noah is more on the 70/30 scale leaning towards feminine people.

As for his ADHD, I did find a lot of clues and tidbits there, so: 

Notice how the sheriff is frequently standing with his arms crossed as if he’s either trying to protect himself (trauma-based) or trying to keep himself from moving too much (ADHD based). This would also explain why the sheriff is often seen standing too still. He also tends to talk with his hands, which is another thing a lot of ADHD people have in common. Though to be fair a lot of NT people do this too.

However here in 3x01 we see the sheriff fully focused on this person while they’re trying to work something out.

Then the next second, Melissa enters the hallway and Noah’s undivided attention is suddenly on her, he barely remembers to utter out an excuse me before addressing Melissa. And he does it as if every neuron in his brain is suddenly focused on her. “Oh hey, Melissa!” 

*Brain switch. Undivided attention is now on Melissa.*

This is a form of hyper-focusing, and if you’ve been trained from a young age you do this while making it look NT-passing. You mask it. I do this. People with ADHD-C or ADHD-I that have a basis in trauma tend to this in my experience.

Like Stiles tends to do, the sheriff too, is moving around fidgeting in the blurry background. He’s talking faster than he can process which is picked up on by his stutters. While he’s trying to figure out a resolution to this conflict. 

You can also tell that there might be some RSD at play here due to the fact that he seems very keen to keep the peace in the scene and wants everyone to get along and let’s keep everyone around me chill. This may not seem like a stereotypical ADHD thing to do, but it���s very common in ADHD-I types.

In the scene with Deaton that he shares in this episode, as well as numerous scenes with Stiles and other characters. You can always see him thinking, you can practically see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to make connections and tries to focus on what lies ahead of him and what people are saying to him. 

Sometimes he successfully succeeds in listening and processing. You see this by his frowns, little head movements. But as soon as those arms cross or his frown deepens you can tell someone is trying to flip the switch, but the light’s not turning on. The information isn’t being processed by his brain. He’s trying to defend himself.

Again, this is a typical thing for someone with ADHD-I who’s been trained and has had extensive therapy to cope with his symptoms. For a while and for general conversations/problems, you are capable of holding the thread. When things get complicated, that’s when you start to see the thread unraveling in Noah’s head.

In 3x02 there’s a moment of impatience as he wakes the boys up but also clearly a look on his face that says a few things.

1. Omg Stiles has done it again.

2. Look at the state of this room where do I even begin? I don’t know, so I just won’t bother.

3. Oh no I have absolutely been here and now I have to deal with my son being in this state too.

So he does the most logical thing to him, he doesn’t deal with it. Just his executive dysfunction going off and thinking; nope I’m not dealing with this, I need to get work, I don’t have time to sit down (hence the mug in his hands.) Man is probably running late already and only now waking the boys up because he realizes they’re A. still in his house. And B. not off to school yet and he needs to get going too.

He has a moment like this in multiple episodes where his impatience and incapability of dealing with a situation in front of him causes him to physically drag Stiles away and using too much force to do it. Though judging by Stiles’s reactions, and the way he relaxes after being grabbed, the sheriff seems to realize how hard he is grabbing and eases up every single time.

And that seems like a little detail, but not knowing your own strength is also a thing that can correspond with ADHD. (Though it can occur in NT people and other conditions as well. Or generally, be caused by anger.) But for the sake of this essay or meta, I will attribute it to Noah having ADHD.

In 3x09 Stiles finally clues him in on what’s happening in Beacon Hills and we can clearly see that he’s struggling to process everything. One could attribute that purely to; 

1. Noah is trying to come to terms that supernatural creatures are real and this would be a lot for anyone to process. Which is a fair and a totally valid assumption.

2. However, we see signs of Noah already starting to believe something is up from the very beginning. There’s always been a side to the sheriff where he was willing to believe or give people the benefit of the doubt when it came to the supernatural. Like in 3x03 when he tells his deputy: “She saw something.”

This leads me to believe that the real matter at hand is that Noah simply can’t process all that information at that time and he needs a few days to think it over in order to do so. Which could be a sign of a processing problem due to ADHD. (Although as I have pointed out, it could also be interpreted as an NT just getting a lot of crazy information at once. Take it as you will.)

In 3x07 Stiles and Scott argue over whether or not to tell Noah what’s going on with the sacrifices. Stiles points out that they shouldn’t because his father is completely overwhelmed.

This can be attributed to several things and interpreted in different ways. Let’s lay down the most obvious one; the sheriff has no idea what’s going on, he has the FBI on his case, and multiple murders on his hands and essentially a serial killer. All of these on their own are enough to be overwhelmed by, yes.

I choose to interpret it as a combination of all of these factors combined with an inability to process this much information or information in general. Which is another symptom of ADHD-I.

We also hear him frequently telling Stiles and the other kids to ‘go home, get to class, go to school.’ Basically what he’s doing in moments like this is 1. looking out for them. 2. Unable to cope and process with all the information he’s been giving during that time and instead of lashing out at the kids, he tries a coping mechanism that’s called divert or redirect. Where you try to redirect people/thoughts/object into a direction or thought process that’s far more manageable to you. 

Which is something that I’ve been taught to do myself in therapy. And that is why I think it’s something Noah has been taught to do as well. Either in the Army/Police Academy. or during therapy sessions.

Now, this is what I like to call Noah’s; I’m trying to process what you’re trying to tell me face. And so far, I’m keeping up. You see the pursed lips, the frown on his face, the slightly squinted eyes. He’s focusing on what Stiles is trying to tell him.

Here he is looking away for a second, processing, trying to manage information. We see him frown further, his lip tensing further, he has to try harder.

He’s processing, processing, he blinks. And then this is the face he pulls right after the blink.

The frown has deepened, he's still following Stiles for now but you can see he’s starting to lose the train of thought here.

Stiles keeps explaining, pulls out the chessboard to explain what is going on.

And Noah has completely lost his train of thought. He has no idea what Stiles is saying to him anymore and no way to process all of the information that Stiles is giving him after this moment. He gets impatient, is annoyed at the things Stiles is telling him. That is because he’s emotionally, and physically overwhelmed. 

He deals with a lot of things in his job and he always seems utterly exhausted because of it. I think that is because his job is exhausting. But I also think it has to do with Noah not being able to filter sounds, stimuli, the inability to process things like an NT. I think Noah suffers from a high level of empathy, this combined with sensory processing issues results in someone who’s constantly trying to filter them out and failing. Resulting in chronic fatigue, turning to other means of dealing (Alcoholism), impatience, etc.

He also seems to have trouble regulating his emotions, as we see with his frequent snaps and jabs at Stiles but he also seems to try and be better about it and regret it when he does snap. We also know that in order to numb his pain and his emotions Noah turned to Alcohol to cope, as sad as it is, this is common in people with ADHD. Who often turn to substances to cope with their symptoms and their inability to regulate themselves, anything to numb all the feelings and their own shortcomings. Noah seems to have fallen into that trap too.

-

I think my favorite moment in this scene comes right after with this face:

And the question of; “Why is Jackson the Kanima?”

Which tells me a few things.

1. After everything, that’s the first question he truly asks as he leans back and tries to process things.

2. This may point to an inability to prioritize tasks/thoughts, which is another symptom of ADHD-I. Which for Noah seems to occur when he’s not on the job or with people he trusts and doesn’t have to mask for. (He does this too when he asks Derek at the station; “But if he doesn’t have a mouth, how does he eat?”) Suggesting that this is a more regular occurrence than we see on the show.

And at this point, I can no longer concentrate on this since I’ve lost my hyper-focus. But I think I managed to compile a pretty decent list.

And that is why I think Noah Stilinski is Bisexual and has ADHD.

Tagging: @mostly-vo1d and @artemisa97 since they are usually involved in these things too. You don’t have to respond of course, but if you feel up to it, join in.

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

 Ok guys its finally finished!!

Introducing the last two main families in my anxciet au!

Please meet the princes

The Prince family

( from left to right)

Rebecca Prince

The boys’s Mother, goes by the names Mother, Ma, and Bec-bec

Her and Diana have been married for 7 years at this point, and been together for about 10(they met and started dating on and off since high school until they got back together permanently during college)

Punk mom punk mom punk mom punk mom punk mom-

She raised roman on her own for his first year before remus was born, in which she started dating Diana again more seriously

She majored in nursing and later in  sociology in college before dropping out to take care of her boys and raise them right

Shes currently going back to school for the sociology degree inbetween her current job

She works as nurse and receptionist at a doctors office in town

Shes in her mid forties current time( where roman is 22, remus is 21, and kingley is 14)

Shes a pretty tough love kinda parent, and doesnt mind rough housing with her boys when they get too out of line and rowdy( they all enjoy the playfullness of it)

But compared to Diana she is not the scary when angry parent, and she can actually be pretty lenient with the boys depending on the situation

She also tends to be the one who gives into their requests and in kingley’s case, puppy eyes, though she puts on a tough front when she does

Rebecca is such a softie for her family I just i cant she loves them so much

She makes dad jokes just to annoy and embarrass her sons, but only makes either classic dad jokes or purposely really bad ones

100% supportive of her older boys’s relationships, and loves to tease Roman about Patton all the time

She also enjoys building things, and helped build the play structure and treehouse that are in the backyard.

Shes probably the reason Remus has no filter, as she has little filter herself

Her hair is naturally honey brown but she dyed it recently to make a statement to a shitty coworker so currently her hair is purple blue and pink

Shes usually pretty reserved around anyone thats not her family, so its a bit of a shock when people see her playful and rowdy compared to her reserved, professional front

Remus prince

The middle child at 21 but hey he can (legally) drink!

Wild feral trash man no matter what, but now hes got a switchblade and two brothers hed fucking kill for( though he wont admit it about roman)

Hes dating Logan and shows a slightly softer side to him only, and hes ride or die with his boyfriend

He tried college but it didnt suit him, so he ended up dropping out and instead getting two part time jobs: one as a vet assistant and one as a bartender, both located near his current apartment

Hes been best friends with Ethen for as long as he can remember, they grew up together and he considers Ethen a brother practically, and remus would probably be in a bad place without him and Remus recognizes this

He has a love for theater and acting that he shares with his older brother Roman and was in pretty much every school performance growing up, and even majored in theater for a bit when he was in college

He also writes alot of original short horror stories 

Hes an adrenaline junkie and loves doing reckless things for the fun of it( usually dragging Ethen or Logan along with him)

He doesnt have a youtube channel of his own but he pops up frequently enough on Ethen’s channel when joining him for explorations that Ethen’s subscribers know him well, and love seeing him in videos

Hes only got two filter and their names are Logan and Ethen 

He wants to get a snakes as pets just as much as Ethen but Their apartment has strict rules 

That did not however stop him from bringing home a in rehabilitation small fresh water turtle home from work one day, and its the only exception to the no pets rule because Remus fought tooth and nail over the fact it was part of his JOB DAMMIT HES KEPPING THE TURTLE IT NEEDS CONSTANT CARE--

ahem. anyway the turtles name is Sir snappy and he adores her

He LOVES teasing both his brothers, even if it means getting teased back he can usually take what he dishes out

usually.

He also has a drivers license but does not currently have a car as he is trying to save up to buy a motorcycle 

Kingley “King” Prince

The youngest of the family!! The also the shortest!!

He goes by the nickname “ King” and has for a couple years now

Hes fourteen and hes very upbeat and cheerful!

Hes also one of Andy’s best friends( He isnt crushing on andy dont listen to remus) and theyve been friends since second grade

Did I mention that they have sleepovers as often as they can? Because they try to. Usually King, andy, and Liam are nearly glued to the hips unless they cant be

Hes got a wild imagination and lots of ideas that he loves to share and try to put out as songs, stories, drawings, etc

He has severe ADHD and takes medication to help him narrow his focus more, as well as to keep his energy levels more consistent so he wouldnt be hugely energetic in the morning and dull and falling asleep by noon. But the medication doesnt effect his creativity sometimes it even helps boost it because he can focus better on his ideas instead of getting too many ideas at once to focus on and work on

His hair has blonde highlights in the winter and looks nearly fully blonde in the summer

Hes got his mama’s caramel brown eyes and tanner skin, as apposed to his ma’s more peachy skin and green eyes

This boy loves to wrestle and roughhouse, hes got alot of energy that needs to be ran out by bedtime and what better way then wrestling his older brothers for the tv remote when they visit? Or playing games at the park or in the backyard until the sun goes down 

He also loves to sing and draw, he can usually be caught humming and you can find doodles all over his homework and school assignments

He also got braces when he was 12 and he loves them and always gets new colors for them as often as he can convinces his parents to agree to

Roman Prince

The eldest brother at 22!

He works at the local theater as a theater tech and assistant director and also performs in a good chunk of the plays put on as well

He loves his job, especially when they put on musicals

He has a college degree in directing and one in music composing

Hes known his boyfriend patton since they were kids since their families are really close, 

He also writes his own short plays and stories that are sometimes performed at his work!!

Oh and this boy our boy roman can cook, hes learned all his cooking from his parents and absolutely loves cooking and learning new recipes and experimenting with old recipes! He also brings extra food into work to share with his coworkers and the actors in case someone doesnt have food with them or the money to buy something( as some of the workers there are broke college students or high schools trying to get experience) He and Patton share this hobby and sometimes have playful cooking competitions in their kitchen!!

Hes got a huge dvd collection that fills tree shelves of a bookshelf in their apartment 

He also holds some acting lessons to younger workers at the theater in the case someone is struggling with a role or performace

Roman is also a very smooth motherfucker in the romace department when he wants to be. Hes romantic and pays alot of to little details and goes all out for date nights, whether theyre at home dates or going out dates he tries to make it as perfect to you as possible

Also he speaks spanish and likes to sing to Patton in spanish to swoon him on a bad day

Diana Prince

The boys’s other mother! Goes by Mama, Mum, and baba

Shes in her late thirties early fourties

did I mention theyve been married for years? I did? Good good

Diana is a blunt sweetheart with a bubbly, snappy personallity and a fiery temper

Shes really good with kids and has a degree in child psychology and works as a guidance counselor at the local high school

She also helps out at their neighborhood’s church with events and sometimes helps with services as an organ player

She plays piano and has been since she was young, she can also play the guitar

She absolutely adores her family but watch out if they break a rule or get themselves into trouble she is the stern one and does not let them get out of trouble. Puppy eyes are wasted on her you do the crime you do the time and the extra chores no arguing.

That is not to say that she wont listen and hear her boys out though, its just normally after hearing them out theyre still in the wrong( pray for remus is he ever got arrested for anything cough cough the homecoming incident cough cough)

Shes been friends with Emile since high school and sees his boys almost like her own, and cares for them as such. 

She speaks spanish and told Roman and the others from a young age, but Roman is the only one who kept with it strongly, Remus only uses it when he angry and King is still learning

Shes an amazing cook, on par or even better than Emile( a statement that has been yet to be confirmed)

She is also a confirmed lover of making big meals 

She loves being outdoors and playing with her kids

She also enjoys doing embroidery as a relaxing hobby

And lastly introducing...

The Daniel family!!

(from left to right)

Olivia Daniels

Logan and Liam’s mom! Shes a psychology professor at the local college! 

Shes been going by the name Olivia for about 16 almost 17 years now and shes never been happier!

Olivia is technically their step mother, as she joined the family after Logan and Liam were born, but very early in their lives( Logan was 10 and Liam was three)

shes in her mid thirties

Her and richard have been married for 12 years and are still going strong!!

olivia is more of a gentle soul kinda person, shes peppy and softer spoken and has a very soothing and trusting presence to her. Shes easy to make laugh and loves making people smile

She also enjoys bringing treats to her classes for her overworking students

Shes not much of a cook but she does try dammit

Looks super sweet but shes a force to be reckoned with if you fuck with her children let me tell you

She wouldve made an excellent therapist had she gone into that field, shes good at listening and offering solutions

She also paints in her spare time!! And sells her paintings at local art shows!!

Shes got the worst sweet tooth ever Richard has to hide sweets in the house

She also works at the same college Logan attends, same with his father

Shes the only blonde in the family with green eyes

 Logan Daniels

Out sassy skeptic! He’s 20 years old and currently attending college with a biology major and a astrology minor!

Hes pretty reserved at first glance, being the calm and common sense to both his best friend Virgil and his boyfriend Remus

But hes such a dork when you get to know him. He could go on for hours and hours about his interests(something Remus loves listening to)

He lives in a single person dorm on campus and works in the student union as well as does tutoring sessions for high schools for extra credits

Hes been dating Remus for a good four almost five years , and they met in freshman year of high school

His dorm room is covered in various posters for astrology and bands he enjoys, as well as a few old theater posters from Remus’s old performances

He was  goddamn punk during high school, and Virgil loves to bring this up to embarrass him

He likes to always wear business casual unless hes staying in, and even then sometimes he keeps to his fashion habits a little too hard

Hes a decent cook, but he doesnt refuse the offer of someone else cooking for him either( or even going out to eat now and then) 

Hes a very large and firm skeptic and greatly enjoys debating with virgil different aspects of his beliefs and paranormal experiences, and functions as the one between them to reason away happenings with logic as a way to ease Virgils nerves. 

But he IS willing to see his best friends side of things if he is provided solid proof. 

He also makes plenty of appearances on Virgil’s channel for a variety of reasons, and his fanbase really likes him

Hes also a very protective older brother, and is not afraid to verbal destroy anyone who hurts his little brother(much to Liams angsty horror) 

He does have a car that he put Remus on his insurance for, so if his boyfriend ever DID need to drive it he would without complications

Logan also does join the boys on explorations, though this is a more rare occurance as he’d rather help them edit the videos and put them out in a timely manner

Hes pretty good at managing his student budget, but he has those moments of splurging randomly for things( as we all do sometimes)

Hes got a really REALLY nice laugh that not too many people outside his inner circle have heard

His eyes are a dark blue just like his dads, and he keeps his dark brown hair messy but practical

Liam Daniels

Logan’s baby brother! Our boy is 13 years old!!

Hes andy’s other best friend, and the final link to their little trio

Hes the more stoic of the three, as he is entering his rebellious angsty teen years a couple years early. 

He loves space and the ocean, and wants to be a marine biologist someday.

Hes not the best at being social, thats why hes got King as their talker and hes the snarky fighter

This boi is alot fiestier than he looks but only his friends and family know that, and he will throw down if you even just look at his loved ones the wrong way( despite his height)

He doesnt always get social cues either which makes him come off kinda rude in situations but I promise he doesnt mean it 

Someone got his mothers sweet tooth but cant have too much sugar because it messes with his body too much

like when he crashes from a sugar high he crashes hard and its BAD

Hes the shortest of his friends, just barely half an inch shorter than Andy

He always looks half tired and like he needs coffee but he cant have coffee so...

he loves to read and his room is filled with so many books!!

He also has a stuffed animal collection but shush about that its a secret

Hes also a spicy food lover( at least to a point, nothing too extreme) 

He likes baggier clothes because theyre more comfortable, and he prefers comfort of fashion

His eyes are a brighter blue and he keeps his hair alot neater than his brother’s

Hes also very snappy, with a comeback for almost everything

Richard Daniels

The dad!! He works as a chemistry professor at the college and a part time physics teacher at the local high school( switching days)

Hes very tall at 6′2(compared to the rest of his family)

He looks really strict but hes surprisingly laid back about alot of things( though rules and discipline are NOT one of those things) 

He is in his early fourties

He took care of the boys on his own for logans first ten years and Liams three before he met Olivia

Hes got the scolding parent look and The Tone mastered and sometimes even uses both on his students to get them to behave, with wildly successful results

Hes very logical and skeptical of things “unrealistic”

Was a stressed out stick in the mud before he met his wife, as he was a new single father trying to secure tennure in a teacher job

Hes the cook in the house, and is really good at it.

hes a more silent understood supporter of his children, as he is much more reserved than his wife

But he as the biggest soft spot for her 

He always tries to raise his boys with a strong balanced set of values and manners

He also can play lacrosse, and was considered the best player back in school

He doesnt have a good relationship with his family aside from his mother, so the boys have only met their grandma on that side, as he doesnt want any toxic mindsets or ideals influencing his children( especially Liam)

compared to Olivia  he isnt soft spoken at all but he would rather dissolve issues with communication and clarification, not anger or violence( yeah LIAM)

He also enjoys watching documentaries and doing casual photography from time to time

And its finally done!! All for families are complete and posted!!

Im really proud of these!! Especially the prince family photo! It took me days to figure out the poses...

All art referenced is credited to @aimasup @underdog-arts and @fangirltothefullest !!

Anyway i hope you guys enjoy! And hopefully soon ill be posting some writings for this au too! And posting more drawings! Enjoy!!

Taglist

@phantommoonpeople

@sweetsweetemo

@leesacrakon

@amazable01

@starbucks-remy

@jemthebookworm

@max-is-tired

@seriously-a-dragon

@sar-kasstic

@soupspam

@strawberryjellystuff

@aimasup

@unsocialchapeau

@underdog-arts

@fangirltothefullest

[the-final-sif]

interview about writing processes

Hey Lady Sif,

thank you for taking time for us and agreeing to answer our interview questions.

Since this was of short notice we decided to change the deadline to June 19.

We hope the time frame suits you.

Here are our questions:

Can you shortly describe us your writing history? How did you start off? How did you come across fanfiction?

Do you have a writing philosophy that helps you overcome challenges in writing?

Could you describe your writing environment? (workplace, prefered writing tools, fandom discourse, discourse with friends)

What inspires you to write and post in and for a fandom? What triggers your headcanons? Does your educational background influence your writing?

In how far does your fandom experience influence your writing?

In how far do you work with others to create fan content? And what ideas do you integrate in your writing?

Are there certain steps you take/decisions you make when/before responding to a post/prompt?

When and why did you decide to host writing events like your fake fics event? What was the purpose and how did you approach the title prompts?

How would you describe the difference between writing alone and writing spontaneously with others (first in creating fan theories and headcanons and second in creating fanfiction)?

Do you think knowing that others read and can comment on your texts subconsciously influences your writing?

What motivated you to create a story where your readers can decide for an ending (name)?

Is there anything else you consider important in your writing process that you would like to tell us?

Thanks again for your time and effort, we are very much looking forward to your answers!

If you’re interested we’ll keep you updated on our findings.

Kind regards, Dana and Helena

----

Can you shortly describe us your writing history? How did you start off? How did you come across fanfiction?

I started writing when I was very young! I was a huge reader, and even before I was writing stuff down I was a storyteller. It’s a really important part of my family & how we communicate with each others and others.

My first experience with fanfiction was when I was,, 7 or 8? That sounds about right. I hand wrote a fanfiction called “ShoppingCats” which something between warrior cats and Cats vs Dogs, but also made primarily of my OCs (+ a handful of warriors characters I liked). I still have most of it, it’s sitting in my desk drawer in it’s original binder, since my mother saved it.

I came across fandom spaces / online fanfiction in 2012 with fanfiction.net, and published my first fanfiction in 2013 (under Rosae-Sif on fanfiction.net). I’ve taken breaks as my interests changed & life got chaotic, but I’ve always enjoyed retelling stories that I hear and changing them to suit me more / explore new themes, so I’ve stuck with it after all this time.

Do you have a writing philosophy that helps you overcome challenges in writing?

Yes! I write for myself above all else. It’s fun to write stuff for other people sometimes, and I like getting feedback and what not, but I never let that be the focus of my writing. I always try to write what I want to be reading, so when I go back and reread what I’ve written, more often than not I find I’ve produced something that makes me happy, and that helps keep me going when a lot of other things couldn’t.

Could you describe your writing environment? (workplace, prefered writing tools, fandom discourse, discourse with friends)

Uhhh, I don’t really have any one set thing. I mostly write on my laptop, sometimes I use a notebook + pen. I have 5$ fountain pen that I got that I really love when I have writer’s block.

I think the most consistent “workplace” for me is actually discord/my friends. Almost all of my AUs/fics/ideas start as me storytelling (either typing things out or out loud) to someone else. That’s where the spark comes from, and then that slowly is refined through several iterations until I have something I like. 

I really like taking long walks with headphones & nobody else around. That’s when a lot of the very early forms of my favorite ideas come to me. It’s a key part of my writing process the few times I get stuck on stuff too. I just go walk till I figure it out.

I don’t really get involved in discourse much. I like debating people, but I try to stay away from destructive stuff and just have my own fun corner where I create things. I’m in fandom for fun, and I refuse to let me experience be tainted by people who try to turn it into Discourse Central.

What inspires you to write and post in and for a fandom? What triggers your headcanons? Does your educational background influence your writing?

As I mentioned before, I write and post primarily for myself! I have a lot of ideas in my head all the time, and things I want to see, so I create those things and then put them here. It’s fun when other people interact with me + add onto my ideas + create things in response!

My headcanons are usually just kinda,,,, coming out of my brain. I think it’s just how I am. I have a question or a thought and I start looking into it and before I know it, a whole new thing has come out of it.

I think my family actually influenced a lot of my writing style more than anything else. I mean, I was homeschooled for a long time, and my parents were very encouraging of whatever weird projects I was creating (my dad once even let me cut down and drag actual brambles into the basement to create a warriors style fort). I was allowed to dress however I wanted (during high school I worn nothing but PJ pants b/c they were most comfy for me, and also I had/have several capes that I would rotate through), I was allowed to dye my hair (still do! it’s current a side shave in red + purple + blue!), and I was encouraged to just,,, be weird and happy. I think that shows in how I write. I pursue the ideas I want to go after, I indulge myself, I commit to thinks and I focus more on what I want to write rather than what I feel I should write.

That being said, a lot of science nerding that comes out in my writing is def from my educational background. I’ve got a bachelors and stuff. I did take some writing classes, but to be honest, I think my fanfiction experience influenced those a lot more than they influenced my fanfiction (years and years of writing constantly and quickly paid off in college where I would BS papers the night before and get top marks on it).

In how far does your fandom experience influence your writing?

Hmm, I don’t think it does that much? I mean, for the BNHA fandom in particular, I think that seeing all the cool content + ideas other people create really keeps my brain chugging along and creating new things, and god, having seen people make fanart and fanfiction for my stories has been one of the best feelings I’ve ever experienced, but I don’t think that’s really changed how I’m writing.

At my core, I’m still doing the same thing my 8 year old self was doing with her pencil and that binder full of paper. I take the strange thoughts out of my head, and I follow them onto the paper until I create something that makes me happy.

I’ve had some negative experiences of course. I mean, everyone does. They’ve all been fairly minor, mostly just people trying to tell me I’m wrong about stuff that’s either in an AU that’s already not supposed to be canon, or stuff I’m right about. Most of the time it’s just annoying. Sometimes it’s concerning. I ignore or delete the annoying stuff, I don’t want to give it any of my time or attention. 

The concerning stuff I try to reply to. It’s been rare, but sometimes I get comments on certain fics trying to tell me what’s being depicted in my fic isn’t abusive when it absolutely is. I try to correct that and link to resources when I do get that. I usually don’t get a reply, but a few times I’ve had people realize that what they thought was normal was actually abusive behavior. I’m happy that I’m able to help people come to that realization.

In how far do you work with others to create fan content? And what ideas do you integrate in your writing?

Hmmm, I’ll be honest, I’m not quite sure how to answer this one. I don’t exactly work with others when creating my fan content? All of my writing (save one RP collab homestuck fic from ages ago) is done by me exclusively, and most my ideas are also mostly from my own brain. Although I will say one exception to that is @windschildfanfictionwriter​ whose an amazing bnha writer I chat with fairly frequently when I need help figuring something out.

It’s less of “working” with people, and more discussing things/ideas, and being excited about stuff. Sometimes literally all I need is someone to be my rubber duck while I talk about an idea for 2-3 hours to get it solidified. People in my discord server often help me by betaing (editing/reviewing) my wips. My adhd means I often make weird mistakes, and they’re wonderful at helping me catch that.

As for ideas I pull into my writing, it’s hard to pick out specific ones. I think I kinda create + absorb + integrate lots of stuff at once. A lot of the times my ideas don’t come from things other authors write, but instead come from things other authors didn’t write. When I see an thought/idea/thread in a story that isn’t followed up on, or isn’t handled how I think it should be handled, that often inspires me to either use a similar base concept or similar thought but in the way I wish it had been done.

Are there certain steps you take/decisions you make when/before responding to a post/prompt?

Not really? I tend to just go with whatever comes to me or what I already had prepared. I’m rather impulsive, so unless it’s a delicate subject matter, I roll with whatever’s going on.

I do always make myself take a step back before responding to stuff that annoys me/any sort of anon hate. I have to remind myself it’s not worth the effort and I should focus on positive/fun stuff. I’ll admit though, I have a very combative nature that can get the better of me sometimes. I’ve gotten better at that though! Hooray for proper adhd medication to help prevent destructive stimulus seeking behavior and therapy! Although I do still like to debate stuff for fun, I just don’t let myself get hostile about it.

When and why did you decide to host writing events like your fake fics event? What was the purpose and how did you approach the title prompts?

Oh, I just saw the post and thought it looked fun so I reblogged it. Stuff like that is mostly an impulse more than anything else.

I just kinda went with the flow for the titles. God, I got so many of those, I still have a lot of them sitting in my inbox, most of which I probably won’t ever post. For the ones I did do though, I picked ones that sounded like fic titles I would actually use, and then asked myself what sort of story I would use that title for. Then I just kinda wrote whatever came to me.

How would you describe the difference between writing alone and writing spontaneously with others (first in creating fan theories and headcanons and second in creating fanfiction)?

Hmmm. This one is also a bit hard. It’s rare I truly “write alone”, most of my stories start as a form of oral storytelling and then are adapted to “proper” writing. Most of my theories/headcanons start the same way.

You’ll notice a lot of my posts start with “Also” “Okay” or “I’ve been thinking” or “You know”. When I’m writing my headcanon/theory posts, it’s all written very conversationally because I’m still following my family’s storytelling in a way. It’s a public post, but I’m not just making statements to a void. I’m still talking to people, addressing them, leading them through stuff. It’s just how I communicate on a very fundamental leave.

I’m still writing for myself, I’m creating for myself, but I’m doing it with others. I’m telling a story constantly, and sometimes I’m telling that story to myself, but I’m still telling it to someone.

I think you can read that in my fics, with the perspective I tend to use. I use limited third person POV, but when I’m writing, I try to write it how the character I’m writing from the POV of would tell their own story. I’m not just describing what’s happening, I’m letting this character tell their story through their own voice, to others, to me. It’s a core part of my writing, and that makes it hard to say that it was ever really written alone.

Do you think knowing that others read and can comment on your texts subconsciously influences your writing?

I mean, it’d be impossible for it not to. But I don’t think it influences me that much. I’m still writing for myself most of the time, and I hold onto my bullshit tightly. I don’t change my writing based on what I think other people want to see from me.

That being said, it’s still something I think about. It’s more of a conscious choice, but specifically regarding my stories that have abuse in them, I try to connect in elements of realism and common underrepresented traits/habits of abuse (which I do try to check via research when I can) and ensure that they are then called out as what they are. I’ve gotten a number of comments/asks/discord messages from people telling me that my works helped them realize they were in a crappy situation / understand what they were going through, and that’s something that’s important for me.

I think The Green Eyed Monster is an example of that, where I explore platonic stalking/obsession/pressuring. It’s something I don’t see taken seriously often enough, so I wanted to frame it in a serious but realistic light and make it clear that what was happening was wrong and harmful. I wanted to explore this concept, but I purposefully did it in a way that I hoped would help others who might’ve dealt with it on some level understand it for what it was, and I think it really shows. In the comments of that fic, there’s a lot of very personal responses/stories from people who went through similar experiences. I think that’s important, so it’s something I try to do when I can.

The other thing is I do 100% put references/lines in certain stories with an evil grin on my face knowing that a certain handful of my commenters are going to rip their hair out over it, either because they have no idea what I mean by it, or they know exactly what I mean by it. But hey, I’m a hurt/comfort writer at heart, so you can hardly blame me.

What motivated you to create a story where your readers can decide for an ending (name)?

Oh, uh, “Seven Year Old Katsuki Has The Ability To Kill A Grown Man And No Concept Of Legality”.

I actually can’t remember the exact inspiration for this one? I think I saw uhhh, Markiplier, playing a text adventure game, and I got curious about creating something similar.

I considered using a platform meant for text based games, but true to my family’s long history of needlessly complicating things and creating things where they aren’t meant to be created out of some mix of spite and creative hubris, I decided I wanted to make it on A03 instead. I looked up a style formatting guide, and went to work.

That whole project took like 1-2 months, around school work and everything else. It was created entirely using links that sent you to the next page. That’s it. That’s the only ‘code’ functionality I had to work with. So I made a whole paper map of the routes, separating them out into “steps” and then created unique text blocks for each step based on prior choices. I used a secret point system for one of the main routes, and ended up with 97 unique steps, and 155 different text blocks/variations.

Fun project. A03 was having some trouble/going down right after I released it, and to this day, certain members of the discord server still blame me for that as I was forcing the website into bullshit it was not meant to contain.

Is there anything else you consider important in your writing process that you would like to tell us?

Nothing I can think of off the top of my head. Other than maybe I have an African Gray named Cecil, and sometimes when I’m not ready to share an idea with humans, I’ll talk it out with him first. He’s an excellent listener sometimes, and by that I mean he’s usually ignoring me or I’m giving him scratches and he’s not paying my rambling any mind.

Though sometimes I get lucky and when I finish up a point and ask for his opinion, he’ll just look at me for a moment and say “I love you.” He does it because I’ll always cave and give him treats since I’m weak for him, but it still makes me smile.

[stilinskishit]

The Other McCall (A Stiles Stilinski Fanfic)

Every time I watch Teen Wolf I think of what it would be like if Scott had a sister... This story is those thoughts and will eventually be Stiles x OC (Ramie McCall).

MASTERLIST

Chapter 1 - All Time Low

On the first day of sophomore year, Ramie McCall wanted anything but to be woken up by music blasting from her brother’s room, yet that’s exactly how her day started. While she and her twin actually shared a lot of the same music taste, it didn’t mean that she wanted to hear All Time Low at volume 100 as a wake up call. She groaned and covered her head with a pillow, trying to block out the music coming from the bathroom that connected both of their room’s.

A tiny part of her was thankful for the never-ending guitars coming from the bathroom, because she was exhausted from being up half the night, dragged into another “adventure” with her brother and their best friend, Stiles. Scott, Ramie, and Stiles had been friends since before they remembered. They attended the same daycare, which was where Ramie earned her nickname, because four year old Stiles had trouble pronouncing Ramona. Scott and Ramie continually give him shit for this, but Stiles’ excuse is always that he was a hyperactive four year old who didn’t care to listen to her whole name, so he just shortened it. Not that Ramie cared, she preferred her nickname.

The only time her full name was ever used was when the boys were teasing her, which she would do the same to Stiles, calling him his real name, or his last name, or when she was in trouble. Scott and Ramie’s mother, Melissa, took the opportunity to use her full name, when yelling at her just a few hours earlier, when she showed back up at home after sneaking out. Melissa was let out early from her overnight shift at the hospital, and assumed her children were asleep in bed until she heard Ramie come through the front door as she was washing her face to get ready for bed. Scott, being left behind in the woods, snuck back through his window after Ramie got home and evaded the yelling session at 3am.

“Ramona McCall you better have a damn good reason to be walking through that door right now rather than asleep in bed,” Melissa had said, hands on her hips at the top of the stairs. “I was hanging out with Stiles,” Ramie said, her voice barely above a whisper, worried what her mother would say.

“At 3am?” Her mother’s eyebrows raised.

“Yeah we were just… helping Noah with something,” Ramie lied through her teeth, hoping throwing Sheriff Stilinski’s name in the mix would get her out of trouble.

“At 3am….” Her mother repeated, definitely unconvinced. Ramie nodded quickly. Her mother sighed. “Well, if you and Stiles were canoodling or something just please tell me you used protection.”

“Mom!” Ramie screeched, feeling her cheeks heat up. “What the fuck, no, Jesus why would you say that!” “You guys are teenagers now, you’re together all the time, I didn’t know if something was happening with you two!” Melissa grinned, clearly enjoying Ramie’s embarrassment.

“We’re together with Scott all the time Mom, and Stiles is my best friend, it’s not like that,” Ramie groaned, pushing past her mother on the stairs.

Melissa, as far as Scott and Ramie thought, was pretty damn good at being a Mom. She worked countless hours at the hospital to provide for their family, and she was the perfect mix between disciplining them when needed, but also trusting them, and was never too strict. Which is why Melissa figured only getting a few hours of sleep before the first day of school was enough punishment for Ramie.

Groaning for probably the fifteenth time that morning, Ramie finally pulled herself out of bed and flicked the lock on her side of the bathroom so she could get changed. Melissa installed locks on the outside of the bathroom doors on each side, so Scott and Ramie could lock the other from bursting in from the bathroom at any time. The Jack and Jill bathroom set up was convenient when they were kids, but as they got older, regardless of how close they were, they still wanted their privacy.

Ramie rubbed her eyes and pulled on a cropped, striped polo that was definitely someone’s from the 80s that Ramie repurposed from the thrift store and a pair of light wash mom jeans. She heard Scott calling her name from the bathroom, so she flicked the locked and he slid open the door.

“Well aren’t you lucky you missed out on getting caught by Mom last night!” Ramie teased, as she sat down on her bed and cuffed her jeans, pulling on white crew socks and her black platform creepers, pushing down the socks a bit so the were bunched by her ankles. Probably the only thing Ramie was confident about was her style. She loved experimenting and trying new things, and didn’t complain about shopping at thrift stores, even if that was all they could afford.

“Sure I missed out on that, but at least you aren’t bleeding out!” Scott exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air in a fashion that looked like he should spend some time away from Stiles, who was extremely ADHD and seemed to never stop flailing. Scott pulled up the side of his shirt and showed off a bandage that was soaked in blood.

“What the hell is that?” Ramie nearly yelled, stepping closer to him. He shushed her and stepped back, smacking her hand away as it neared the wound.

“Don’t touch it!!” He whisper-shouted, clearly not wanting her yelling to get the attention of their Mom. “A wolf bit me.”

Ramie’s eyes widened as he pulled back the bandage, showing what definitely looked like bite. He carefully flattened the bandage back to his side, pressing down the tape on the edges.

“Jesus Scott, you need to show Mom.” Ramie crossed her arms, already knowing what he was going to say.

“It’s fine Raim,” Scott insisted, turning back toward his room and eventually grabbing his backpack from his bed. His sister stayed in place, glaring at him from the doorway of her side of the bathroom. Their eyes met from across the room. “What?”

“It could get infected or something. Or what if you need stitches?” Ramie protested, crossing the bathroom and continuing her glare from the doorway. He ignored her words and walked out his door. Ramie groaned, loud enough so she could hear him chuckle a bit at her from the hallway as he walked down the stairs. Still annoyed at him, she walked back to her room and grabbed her backpack before following him down the stairs.

…

“Alright, well, let’s see it,” Stiles clapped his hands together, gesturing towards Scott’s side. The three stood on the walkway up to Beacon Hills High School, watching as Scott set his bag on the ground.

“Oh…” Stiles made an interested noise, reaching his hand toward the wound like Ramie had barely an hour earlier.

“Why do you both keeping doing that?” Scott jumped away from Stiles’ hand, causing Stiles to jerk back as well, nearly smacking Ramie in the face with his lacrosse stick that was hooked to his backpack. She ducked away, Stiles oblivious to the the whole thing.

“Pretty sure it was a wolf,” Scott continued, as they resumed walking towards the school. Stiles’ eyebrows raised.

“A wolf bit you?” He asked, looking at Scott then glancing down at Ramie on his other side. Scott nodded. “No, not a chance.”

“What do you mean not a chance?” Ramie butted in, giving Stiles the same look he had previously gave Scott.

“I heard a wolf howling,” Scott insisted, Ramie nodding, and gesturing towards Scott, as if to tell Stiles to believe him.

“No, you didn’t,” Stiles said plainly, shrugging.

“Stiles in case you forgot, we weren’t there when this happened,” Ramie said, backing up her brother. “I was busy getting yelled at by my Mom, because of your stupid adventure.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Stiles stopped, turning to face Scott and Ramie. Ramie opened her mouth to protest but he cut her off. “There are no wolves in California. There hasn’t been for like, 60 years.”

Ramie again opened her mouth to say something, but then closed it, realizing Stiles was right. Scott looked over at her, like he was waiting for her to back him up again. She shrugged.

“He’s right. I didn’t think of it before but that’s true,” She told him, seeing Stiles nodding aggressively from the corner of her eye.

“Alright well, if you guys don’t believe me about the wolf, you definitely won’t believe me when I tell you I found the body,” Scott glanced between the two of them. Stiles nearly jumped off his feet towards Scott, again almost smacking Ramie with his lacrosse stick that seemed to be at the exact height of her head, considering she was shorter than the spastic boy who seemed to have hit a growth spurt recently and now towered over Ramie quite a bit.

“You’re kidding! Really?” Stiles exclaimed, at the same time as Ramie ducked out of the way of the flying lacrosse stick.

“Stilinski, watch it,” She groaned, shoving his stick away from her.

“Sorry, sorry,” Stiles placed his hand on Ramie’s upper arm, rubbing up and down for a second, giving her an apologetic smile. She tried to ignore the flipping of her stomach and was thankful when Stiles’ eyes moved away from her face, because she felt her cheeks heat up at his touch. That was the complicated thing about their friendship. Ramie, for as long as she could remember, had a huge crush on Stiles. It was really only over the past year or so that she realized it, and she was very determined to make sure Stiles and her brother had no idea it existed. However, sometimes Scott gave her knowing looks she tried to ignore. She did her best to also ignore her feelings, but sometimes it wasn’t so easy.

Scott turned his head to look at where Stiles’ gaze fell, and Ramie did the same, the warm feeling in her stomach immediately disappearing when she saw who Stiles was staring at.

“This is seriously the best thing that has happened to this town since…” Stiles started, as your only other friend walked towards you. “Lydia Martin. Hey, Lydia.”

“Let’s go,” Ramie’s strawberry blonde friend grabbed her arm, dragging her past the boys and completely ignoring Stiles. Ramie gave the boys a quick glance over her shoulder, giving them a small wave. Lydia and Ramie had been friends since third grade, and Stiles had had the biggest crush on Lydia for who knows how long, at least since 7th grade when Ramie overheard him talking to Scott about this girl he had a crush on, and she eventually got it out of him that it was Lydia. Lydia and Ramie were not much alike, Lydia being extremely girly and popular, while Ramie only was around the popular crowd if Lydia dragged her along. She loved Lydia, but preferred to hang out with her one on one rather than with all of Lydia’s boyfriend, Jackson’s, friends.

Even though Jackson played lacrosse with Scott and Stiles, the two boys were certainly not part of that crowd. Ramie spent a lot of time bouncing between the groups, but spent the most time with Scott and Stiles, as she didn’t care for anyone in the other group other than Lydia. But sometimes, Ramie just really needed a friend who constantly made fart jokes and played video games.

“You look cute,” Lydia grinned at Ramie, and Ramie let out a snort.

“I know you hate it,” Ramie gestured to her outfit. Her style and Lydia’s were quite the opposite. Lydia’s heels clicked on the floor as they entered the school, heading towards their lockers.

“I don’t hate it,” Lydia smiled, smoothing her floral skirt and Ramie raised her eyebrows, leaning against the lockers as Lydia began to turn the lock on her own. “You know I appreciate your style, even if it’s different from mine. You pull it off well.”

“Thanks Lyds,” Ramie smiled. This Lydia, her best girl friend Lydia, Ramie adored. The Lydia around her boyfriend, was another story. Before she could get out another sentence, the person she last wanted to see appeared.

“Jackson!” Lydia squealed jumping towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him hard. Ramie heard a gagging noise and glanced over her shoulder, seeing Scott and Stiles a few lockers down, Stiles sticking a finger towards his mouth to add to the gagging motion. Ramie couldn’t help but snort at him, glad Lydia was still attached to her boyfriend’s face.

“I’m gonna head to class,” Ramie said to the back of Lydia’s head, who briefly detached from her boyfriend to give a smile to Ramie. Ramie turned and put herself between Scott and Stiles, opening her own locker.

“You know Scott, I think you bring me down a few levels. I’m a nerd by association because of you,” Stiles said suddenly, looking towards Scott. Ramie pulled her head back from her locker, looking between the two boys. Scott gave Stiles a confused look. “See, Ramie fits in with all those pretty popular kids perfectly. I’m friends with Ramie, so technically I could fit in too. But then there’s you.”

“Stiles,” Ramie started, looking up at him as he met her eyes. “I promise it’s not just Scott.” She patted his chest lightly before turning to walk to class. She heard Scott let out a laugh from behind her and Stiles grumbling as they followed her into the room.

…

“I don’t know, it’s weird, I felt like I had all the time in the world to catch the ball,” Scott explained, as he, Stiles and Ramie walked through the woods as they had been the night before, now looking for Scott’s inhaler he had dropped somewhere along the way. The boys had just had lacrosse tryouts, and despite Scott practicing all summer, he was still unnaturally good during the tryout. Ramie was in shock the whole time, as she watched from the stands. “I practiced all summer but it’s different. I don’t know if I’m in shock or something from this bite, but I feel… weird.”

“What do you mean,” Ramie asked, grabbing Stiles’ outstretched hand as she hopped over a small stream. His other hand landed on her waist to steady her as she landed, and Ramie pushed all thoughts about him out of her head as her stomach flipped like it had that morning. She gave him a small thanks before pulling her hand from his and following after Scott.

“I can hear everything, like even from far away,” Scott told them, as they continued walking. “Like in class, that new girl Allison-“

“The one you were making googly eyes at?” Ramie smirked at her brother, who in turn shoved her into Stiles, who let out a chuckle, knowing Ramie was right.

“Sure, whatever,” Scott shook his head, looking down at the ground, but Ramie didn’t miss the slight blush on his cheeks. “I heard her, while she was waiting outside. She was on the phone with her Mom and said she forgot a pen. That’s why I offered her one in class. And I can smell things too, like I can tell that that’s Stiles’ sweatshirt, because I can smell him on you,” He gestured towards the zip up Ramie wore, which she had stolen from Stiles just before lacrosse tryouts, since she didn’t bring her own jacket and Stiles was being overprotective, as usual, saying it was too cold out for her to just wear a t-shirt.

“You probably just recognize it.” Stiles shrugged, a hand reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. Ramie felt her face heat up a bit from her brother calling her out for wearing Stiles’ sweatshirt.

“How about the fact that I can tell there’s mint mojito gum in the pocket?” Scott shot back. Stiles shoved his hand into the pocket closest to him on the sweatshirt Ramie was wearing, causing her to stop walking with him. His mouth slightly opened in shock as he pulled out half a stick of gum.

“You know, I think I might know what’s happening to you,” Stiles said, unwrapping the gum and putting it in his mouth. Ramie wrinkled her nose in disgust, as the gum clearly seemed to be a bit old, but followed behind the two boys without interrupting. “It’s called lycanthropy… it only happens once a month…”

“Once a month… like…” Scott looked over to you, eyes wide.

“Menstruation, Scott,” Ramie rolled her eyes. “The word is Menstruation. Not lycanthropy. And he’s not talking about periods.”

“Yeah, this only happens on the full moon,” Stiles continued, and Ramie shoved her hands in her, or Stiles’, sweatshirt pockets, turning and continuing to walk, knowing exactly where the conversation was going.

“What’s that, is it bad?” She heard Scott ask behind her. Stiles’ only response was howling like a wolf. Ramie scoffed at his stupidity and heard Scott shove Stiles. She turned and watched as Stiles laughed and shoved him back, the two boys immediately starting to wrestle as Stiles and Ramie continued to laugh.

“It’s not funny! There could be something wrong with me!” Scott protested and he shoved  Stiles again.

“Gosh Stiles, we better be careful, Scott’s a werewolf now!” Ramie laughed, as turned back to continue walking, figuring they’d follow behind her. However, she was stopped in her tracks as she instantly made eye contact with another person, whom she didn’t even hear approach.

“Uhh…” Ramie stopped walking, and Stiles knocked into her from behind, not paying attention and nearly knocking her over, solely because of his size in comparison to hers.

“Ramie what the hell are you-“ Stiles started, before looking up and seeing the stranger, Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome walking towards them. Stiles instantly grabbed Ramie’s arm, pulling her behind him. Stiles had always been protective over her, as was Scott, obviously. It felt different to Ramie when it came from Stiles, though.

“What are you doing here?” The man asked, still stalking towards them. Scott stood up from his place on the ground where he was looking for his inhaler as Stiles rubbed his buzzed head, and Ramie stayed silent behind Stiles’ shoulder.

“We were just looking for,” Scott started, before the man chucked his inhaler towards Scott, who caught it just before it hit Ramie in the face.

“Woah, watch it man,” Stiles stepped to the side, more in front of Ramie.

“I should be saying that to you,” the man said, stepping forward again. “This is private property.”

“We didn’t know, sorry we’ll go,” Ramie spoke up, grabbing both Stiles and Scott’s wrists, pulling them. Both boys nearly fell as she yanked on their arms. When she turned to look back at them, the man was nowhere to be found. Ramie’s eyes narrowed, wondering how he took off so quickly, but her thoughts were interrupted by Stiles speaking.

“You know who that is right?” He said, falling into step next to Ramie as she dropped his wrist, as well as Scott’s, who followed next to Stiles. “That’s Derek Hale, he was a few years older than us, his whole family died in that fire like 10 years ago.”

“Too bad he’s a creep, he’s hot as hell,” Ramie said, ignoring her brother’s annoyed look he threw her way.

“Hot? Ramona. Seriously?” Stiles turned towards her. Ramie opened her mouth to bitch at him for calling her her full name, but he cut her off. “He’s a creep. And way too old for you.”

“Oh, so you just get to decide the guys I think are attractive, Mieczyslaw?” Ramona shot back, using Stiles’ real name to piss him off. Stiles’ real name, obviously extremely hard to pronounce, was almost never used, unless it was Ramie teasing him.

“I’m just saying,” Stiles started, moving to walk again and leaving glaring Ramie behind him. “He seems like bad news.”

“He found my inhaler,” Scott called behind Stiles, sensing the tension. It wasn’t unlike Stiles and Ramie to bicker, with both of the having a very sarcastic manner about them and similar personalities, it didn’t take much to get the two of them going. Scott always said they fought like a married couple, which definitely earned a blush from Ramie each time. Ramie never told her twin about her feelings for Stiles, but sometimes she got the feeling that he had his own suspicions.

[k1ngtok1]

This is my story, made into Leo’s:

This story is based on what I went through becoming a T1D. I was diagnosed sometime between June 22 and 23, 2018. I didn’t have people to help me until it was very late in the day, when my doctor father decided that enimas and constipation medicine were not helping. During the day, the only people that took notice of me were my stepmom, who cooked and gave me water when I asked, and my sister, who only helped because you can’t play Minecraft with someone dying of dehydration in the background. In the story, Piper is taking the place of my mom once they get to the infirmary, and Jason is my dad the whole story. (I didn’t include Calypso for some reason).The stuffed animals are all real (franks present isn’t). They came from my grandparents, sister, moms ex boyfriend, and my 4th grade teacher. The teddy bear was my dads. Friends would visit, my grandpas girlfriend would wheel me around the hospital. A friend, not a close one, watched me cry while getting a shot. The whole experience is jumbled and blurry, everything is out of order. We go to the meeting then home where I stay until the next day, where I feel pressured enough by my diabetic step-grandpa to give my own shot, my friends come over and swim.The End. I didn’t get as much support as Leo did in this, I’m always the one comforting and not getting comforted. I felt a little alone and abandoned, still do. I rediscovered this series in the middle of the school year, and instantly I felt a connection to Leo. He looks like me if he was a girl and had strait hair. I have the same ADHD, the same urge to create, to help others, and now, we both have a bad past, and it stays with us in some way. His flame and my condition. He is the only one that I know that has suffered like I have. I buried myself in stories about this person like me, and I felt like there was someone who understood me. Someone pushed away by others. Who is happy on the outside but not that much inside. Someone who even in a group of accepting friends, feels like they are the outsider, like they aren’t good enough. I found myself in Leo (plus my best friend is a Leo clone with glasses). I wanted to tell my story, so I did it using the story character that was in the same boat as me. I wanted to explain what it really feels like to be burdened, by both yours and other’s problems. So here’s my story, molded into Leo’s.

When Leo woke up, he knew something was seriously wrong with him. His throte was dry as a bone. His stomach felt like Godzilla and the kraken were having a wrestling match. He tried to move but found he didn’t have the energy to. He curled into a little ball and let out a pained moan. 

 “Buford” he called out in a weak voice. The table immediately scuttled over to see what was wrong with his friend.

 “Please, bring me water, and Pipes” he choked out, before promptly dozing off.  

Buford obediently hurried along the path to camp. He was worried Leo had worked himself too hard. He found Piper sitting with Jason, having lunch. If Leo had slept this long, there must have been something wrong with him, as he was always anxious to work on his projects. Buford head butted (or table butted) Piper. 

 “What? Oh hey Buford! What’s wrong?”

 Buford thought of a way to communicate on the way here, he dug one of his legs into the wet dirt.

 “What are you doing?” Piper asked. 

 Buford continued to drag his legs through the dirt. 

 “I think he’s trying to tell us something. Look!” Exclaimed Jason. 

 The table had written a message saying ‘bring water, Leo needs you’ in the soft earth. 

 Piper’s eyes immediately shot open with worry. Before anyone could say anything, she grabbed her magic glass from the table and sprinted towards the woods. Buford and Jason ran to catch up to her. 

 Upon arrival, they heard groaning noises. It was like someone was in pain. 

“Leo” muttered Piper, before running inside.

 Leo was curled into a little ball. Now an important thing to know is that when someone goes through what Leo is, they tend to get delirious. They may imagine scenes from a book they have read, with them in it or as the main character. Leo had just read ‘heir apparent’ and was (still in pain mind you) imagining how he was crowned king. In his mind all he had to do was sit on the throne, and the pain would go away. He was utterly confused when it didn’t.

 Meanwhile Piper was shaking Leo. He finally snapped out of his daze (if only a little bit).

 “I’m hallucinating” said Leo “go get Will and the others please.” 

 It pained her to she her little brother like this. She tore herself from the bed, leaving Leo the glass of water, which he gladly took a sip of. Jason was sitting next to him on the bed, helping him drink as he was too weak to do it on his own. 

 “I’ll be right back” said Piper, “take care of Leo”

 Leo was moaning and muttering incoherent nonsense. This frightened Jason, he had never seen Leo as anything other that calm and thinking strait. He sat on the bed next to Leo, casually petting his hair as Leo cuddled up to him. Leo did not look content, though. He looked as though he was going to throw up. Piper chose that moment to bust through the door, Will, Hazel, Frank, Percy, Annabeth and Nico trailing behind. 

 “What’s going on?” Demanded Will rushing to Leo’s side.

 “I don’t know.” Replied Jason “Buford guided us to him, he was like this when we got here. He said he was hallucinating before he fell asleep.” 

 Will took Leo’s hand. His eyes widened almost comically. “We need to get him to the infirmary, NOW! He’s going into kinoacidosis, his blood sugar is through the roof! He might be T1D!” 

 Nobody knew what the hades Will was talking about except for Nico. His face paled as Frank scooped up Leo and everyone raced through the door. He had enough experience in the infirmary, and had a medical genius as a boyfriend, of course he knew what T1D was! But he didn’t tell anyone as they were already worried enough. 

 After racing through camp with campers gathering around the infirmary, Leo had woken up. However, he was in an extreme delirious state. 

 “We need a gurney STAT!” Yelled Will. “Someone get me an IV and insulin!” 

 All of a sudden, while still on the gurney, Leo bucked his hips upward and screamed “WATER” at the top of his lungs. This happened many times before he was wheeled to the intensive care section and fully woke up. 

 The 7 were worried as the doctors fussed around Leo, he thinks they gave him shots and an IV, but he couldn’t be sure as is brain was picking and choosing what moments to process. He didn’t notice the tiny flames in this hair that needed to be put out.

 Leo fell asleep and woke up many times. Each time a nurse would ask him the year, his birthday, and who was president. Leo answered the questions, and as he was about to go into a rant on how much he despises Trump, the nurse left. He passed out for good after repeating this many times. 

 When Leo came too, he found himself in a closed off section of the infirmary. All of his friends plus his siblings were standing against the wall at the foot of the bed. Leo could bearly move. 

 “Where am I?” He managed to croak out. 

 Piper looked up from where she was staring at the floor. “Oh gods Leo! You scared us all to death! You’re in the infirmary, you went into diabetic kino asidosis, you’re lucky to be alive. 30 more minutes and you would have died!” Piper sobbed against his chest.

 “Wait a minute!” Leo said as loud as he could, which wasn’t very loud, “can someone explain what is happening to me?” 

 Will decided that was a good moment to walk in “You’re awake! I’m assuming you want to know what’s going on?” 

 Leo nodded his head. 

 “You went into diabetic kino asidosis, which means that your body did not have enough insulin, causing ketones to form. Ketones destroy fat as fuel, instead of using regular sugar.” 

 “Okay, but why don’t I have any insulin in my body?” Questioned Leo. 

 “Have you been having stomach pains? Has it been hard to eat sugary foods?”  

Leo thought back to during the past 2 months. “yes” he replied. 

 “Your blood sugar has been high for over these two months, maybe even longer. The young adult body is very strong, but even it gives out at some point. Your pancreas some time around 2 months ago was attacked by other cells in your body that saw it as a threat. I don’t mean to be so blunt but” he took a deep breath. “you are a juvenile diebetic now, otherwise known as a type one diabetic. This is the type where it is permanent, so unless new technology or cures come out, or you happen to strike a deal with a god, you will have to use an insulin pump for the rest of your life.” He finished. 

 Leo didn’t really take it all in. Only later did he really understand what all this really ment. His friends and siblings were all in tears. They all came over and gently gave home a group hug, as if he were made of glass.

 ~Line break ~  

After 3 days in the infirmary. They let him eat for the first time. 

 “Okay, your meal had 53 carbs in it, your correction factor is 1/15. How many units do you take if your blood sugar is also 157?” 

Asked Will with his clip board out. Only Piper and Jason were in the room, with Leo of course. 

 “‘Bout 5 units” said Leo with his mouth full of food. 

 “Good, I’m going to go get the syringe now,” Leo almost choked on his food. 

“Wait what?!” Leo started freaking out. “No one said anything about needles!” 

Piper and Jason were doing their best to console the panicked Latino, who was doing his best to keep from crying. Leo had a huge fear of needles from some bad experiences while he was on the run. He was starting to panic until Piper soothed him with her charmspeak. Will walked in with a syringe, vial and alcohol wipe. 

 “Everything will be fine Leo” said Piper, as Will began to prep the syringe with insulin. 

 “Hey Piper?” Leo started. 

 “Yes?” She replied. 

 “Can I like, hold your side and hug you” Leo asked, close to tears. 

 “Of course.” She replied, “you don’t have to ask.” 

Leo snuggled into Piper’s side. Will lifted up Leo’s sleeve and wiped his upper arm with alcohol. He was put off by the scars on his arm, but he did not want to ask incase it panicked the Fire user further. He injected the needle with a small wimpier and sob from Leo. 

 “It’s okay Leo, it’s over.” Consoled Piper. Leo backed up a little and snuggled into the blanket that Annabeth and Percy got him. He held the stuffed owl that he received from Harley. Around him were others, such as the the fluffy brown dog holding a smaller dog from Hazel, the spherical squishy dog from Piper and Jason. Frank gave him his thoughts and prayers, at which Leo laughed and Hazel smacked the shapeshifters arm. And lastly, the small teddy bear, so worn you would never be able to guess it used to be fluffy. Nyssa used to be the only one who knew about it. It was the only thing that he managed to escape the fire with. It used to be his mother’s and she gave it to him. He asked Nyssa to bring it to him, and was surprised his friends didn’t judge him when he told them the story. 

 Leo promptly fell asleep. While in the hospital, he took frequent naps. He once woke up and described what he did the previous day, to find out that it happened 20 minutes ago! To be fair, he was still the tiniest but delusional still, his mind still slightly addled. 

 Piper sat down in one of the chairs next to the bed, exhausted. She has yet to leave Leo’s side. She has been sleeping in the bed with him, resulting in being woken up for a nurse to draw blood or test his blood sugar. Jason would come and go, letting the two honorary siblings be alone. She rested her head on the bed, holding Leo’s hand. A few minutes of sleep wouldn’t hurt , right? 

 ~Line break ~

 It was Leo’s last day in the infirmary, well, day in the hospital part of the infirmary. He still needed to go to a meeting with a nurse to be taught more about his condition and how to handle it. Leo sat in his original clothes, returned by the nurses. His room was bare except for a wagon full of his stuff, to be hauled to his cot in bunker 9. Piper took the wagon to drop it off, as he and the rest of his friends accompanied him to the big house for his meeting. 

Leo knew most of this stuff, like how to use his insulin pen and how to dispose of needles. He mostly fiddled around with a few rubber bands and metal scraps from his tool belt. This meeting was mostly for his ‘family’, so they could understand what they were getting in to. On the bright side, he got a stuffed lion with pads where he could practice giving injections!

 After the meeting, he spent the day in the more populous areas of CHB. He wanted to be somewhere not all cramped after being in his room for a week, save for a few short walks. During lunch and dinner, and before bed, he had Nyssa give him his shots in the arm after he checked his sugar and ate. 

 He had a few times where he went low. It was the worst. He was shaken and could hardly walk, as his legs felt like cooked noodles. He couldn’t build when he shook! Luckily, he didn’t die, so it’s all good.

 The next day, he wanted to gain control over his disease. He decided he would finally give himself his own shot. After assuring the rest of the gang, who were very apprehensive about giving Leo Valdez any sort of sharp object, Leo managed to slowly sink the short needle into his leg and push the end. His friends were all very proud. They gave him a group hug. For a moment, Leo forgot that anything was wrong, he forgot about his condition, his newfound problem. All that mattered is that if he could find a way to come back from the dead, he could manage to survive another disorder.

[docholligay]

paksenarrion-reader replied to your post “Don’t rb but”

I think that, in the end, is what caused me to get into Overfic so fully and with such abandon -- that the characters are so open to any interpretation we overlay on them, that we can do what we want and very little of it will be wrong. Widow is just a very vivid example of what I do with them all.

I’ve read this from a few people and I agree--it’s such a strength of the universe where there’s just enough to hook you, and then you can create it all. 

Pak wrote an essay and I responded with an essay so it’s behind a cut ahaha

paksenarrion-reader

replied to your post

“Don’t rb but”

resident "I'm Always A Slut For Sniping" main here, I have many faves for many different reasons and I am about to talk about some of them but divided in two main groups for the reason why I got so attached to them, why I ended up so invested in them. 

 first group started out as: Blizz tells me who they are. I play them a little -- get a feel for them, listen to their voice, learn how to move them. I sit up over my fic notebooks, legs crossed, hands laced, I look Blizz in the face, and politely say, "No."  this half involves Widowmaker obviously, since my approach to her is literally *throws canon over shoulder* "I'm going to let you make sense", but most notably also Symmetra.  maybe it's because I'm a writer myself, but these two (and many others I care less about) even as the sketch! are wasted potential! bad writing! they could be so much better! and by fuck I am going to let them no matter what canon says!

Oh my god, Yes, Blizz’ approach to Windowmaker’s backstory is one entire “ahahahaha NO.” for me. Cannot. Sexy brainwashed is not a thing I can handle, and it removes all of the interest and complexity that I think she could have. i’d rather have her be a person with motivations that suck, or are hypocritical, or that she herself sometimes doesn’t understand, and REFUSES to understand. 

I think that many/most characters aren’t really done a ton of favors by the canon by virtue of its sketchiness and also some HMM INTERESTING choices. I never got into Symm, but I know so many people that have, and something about her speaks to them, so I don’t doubt that I’m just missing some peice that allows a person to fundamentally connect with a character. Which I think is another strength of Overwatch: There are so many characters that represent so many facets of humanity that there’s a lot of room to see yourself. 

paksenarrion-reader

replied to your post

“Don’t rb but”

what got me to the point of caring about them enough to pluck them out of canon's hands is a mixture of the sketch space they occupy, of the feel they give through small and delicious details like what they speak, how they speak, how they move, of their gameplay since I enjoy characters with mid-to-high skill floor and high skill ceiling (see: I'm always a slut for sniping), and of the prism of my thoughts and experiences that I view them through

It’s always so interesting to me when a character’s gameplay inspires love for the character themselves, because, not being a gamer, I really can’t relate. It’s something I hadn’t considered when posing this question because it’s so far out of my wheelhouse, but of course a character you enjoy playing is likely going to find ways to be appealing to you otherwise. 

paksenarrion-reader

replied to your post

“Don’t rb but”

the second half are characters that other fans got me invested in. I didn't connect to some characters At All, in the beginning, but as I exist in fandom spaces I see people who did talk about the hows and whys of how they did, and I set my prism down to borrow someone else's lens, so to speak.  that can of course go two ways, it can be either "that is a terrible take and I'm going to do better" like what dragged me to caring about Reaper or to loving to hate Moira. Or it can be "that's amazing, I'll take fifteen, three of them gift-wrapped" like when trans players/fans talked about trans Hana, or you talked about Jewish Mercy, or fans of colour talked about dweeby, loving, soft Fareeha

I think this is where fandom can be such an interesting and fun thing--my great goal in life is of course to make everyone realize Tracer is compelling and not a naive idiot, and I TRY VERY HARD TO ACHIEVE THAT--but sometimes what makes me take a second look at a character is reading other people’s ideas and thoughts, seeing what they could be if you decided to turn your head just slightly to the left. It’s often interesting to me even if I can’t “get there” myself. 

paksenarrion-reader

replied to your post

“Don’t rb but”

Widow in particular ended up as my main girl for a wide mixture of small reasons -- I still remember, when I played her for the first time in a few consecutive matches almost two years ago, that her calmly vicious manner and how she very quietly singsongs "come oooooout~" at her targets and how she makes EVERYTHING personal, left me sitting there a little distraught and thinking "somebody hold her hand"  she has a very strong feel, even as the roughly-drawn sketch of a character canon left her as, a feel that she despises everything and everyone and she will make everyone suffer and it will never be enough to make her feel better.   

I also, it will come as no surprise to you, enjoy thinking about Widowmaker as a person who does bad things and makes bad choices and can be petty and mean and she’s not even sure she wants to be, but here she is, DOING THAT. Inertia is a hell of a thing. And the more you make the same choice, the easier it is to keep making that choice. 

that feel was enough for me to latch onto and throw "brainwashed and crazy" over my shoulder and replace it with "traumatized and too proud to admit she needs help and too used to despair to be able to afford any sort of hope anymore" and start building.  I made her into a horrible person by virtue of horrible circumstances and choices to be made between bad and worse, into someone who lies and is steadfast and remorseless and honourable and tool and taskmaster, and I enjoy letting myself explore who she could have been before and what must have happened to have her back away into the safety of becoming this, and I enjoy writing scenes where I let her heal and it doesn't mean erasing anything of what I had put her through

You’re much kinder to Amelie’s general nature than I am--I think she probably had some bad things happen to her, but I also think a lot of her choices were her own fault--but yes, it’s really important to me that she’s choosing Talon, that this is the way she sees herself as interacting with the world and she’s not really compelled toward change. I see her as not unlike Ana in this sense. She makes shitty choices and sometimes is like “wow that was shitty” but either can’t or won’t or likely both do anything to change that. But what I think is interesting about Widow, in what’s I’ve read, is no two people seem to read her the same way, and I think that’s what interests me most about her. 

paksenarrion-reader

replied to your post

“Don’t rb but”

I made the character of Widowmaker into something that appeals to me personally, instead of leaving the empty husk of a character that Blizz handed us, in my hands she's wrong and complicated and INTERESTING, and some of her is myself exorcising my demons through creative work and some of her is myself exercising empathy and imagination

I think this is what so many of us who get into Overwatch really do and feel with our faves--Mercy (and Yael) is the written experience of hours of Jewish handwringing every time I think about something for too long, or when I reflect on the reasons we’re still here despite the fact that we should have been wiped out several times over. Tracer is my experience of being an impulsive and quick little ADHD shit, and what would it feel like to know that the way I was and my brain worked was pretty roundly considered to be a part of my personality and loved versus constantly being seen as a problem to be solved? Pharah is the experience of seeing something that’s been tinted, and going, “no, they can’t have that. i’m going to make it into what it always should have been.” And so on. I know a lot of us who write, write about things and ideas and experiences that we need to give voice to but can’t when it’s US, and I think that’s pretty clear in a lot of OW stuff. 

[a-journey-to-rebuild]

Yeah. I should have stood by my thoughts about the ity bitty girl who goes from zero to a thousand in a matter of seconds. I really wasn't sure if I wanted any of it before I dove right in. Shoulda woulda coulda. The girl intrigued me, but god those lips. I remember the time I was having a makeout sesh with this African guy, it was like he was sucking my face off. And after the initial kiss then makeout, I couldn't focus because my mind was going critical. All I could ever think about was that I had NO CONTROL WHATSOEVER. It was a mess, in so many years, and NOW I find myself to be in a submissive position. I am and always will be a dominant one, or I mean yeah sure I can be submissive at times. But god I did not have control over those filled up lips of hers. Strike one

This one was like a baking soda about to explode, her hole demeanor was chaotic. Well in gods name I was intrigued. Even though I knew it would be a lot for me in the long run, though I thought that when she eventually got her adhd medications it would calm a bit down.

she had to keep on staring at my lips, that's why I gave it a go, because it's a tell-tale a hint, a sign. No one constantly looks at one's lips through a conversation, it's an invite. Maybe an invite I should have avoided, still. Dumbass, if it wasn't a sign then it's some medical or psychological issue there, and I want no part in it.

I was in so much doubt, the filled lipps and the chaos of a personality she had. And others I rather not mention. But then I found myself thinking clearly about why I got so hung up over these little details. My expectations, my high maintenance of what my future lady will look and be like. And so I opened up, and burned that part of me that was looking for someone specific, the hight, the breast, the ass, the face, mixed race. Because what. Of course in my unconscious mind it was her I was still seeking to find, a new version. But I don't want that, I don't want a polished version of my ex. My mind needed to expand, to open up to other possibilities. This is not where Itty bitty girl comes in. My mind wanders, it unfolds. At first I thought this girl was a best friend material, and I've always wanted the "she's my girlfriend, and my best friend". And one thing she will have over me, I have not laughed that much in 2 years. She's clumsy, she stomps so loud you can hear it when it's her walking down the corridors. (fun fact, I've always complained when others in the family were stomping around.) I never liked stomping, but her way of stomping away, it's either stomping so hard and fast because your in a rush. Let's just say it like it is, she has a funny way of doing her stomping. I'm sad, that we didn't get to reach to that point where we could have been good friends. But then there's that change in her I saw afterwards, that made me think of her just like meth junkies. She would say she hates how people don't give borrowed money back, then turns back and does the same to me. That's a twist. Because I've had my share of experiences with people such as. If she doesn't clean up her act she is likely to stab someone in the back, figuratively and literally. Wouldn't surprise me if she has already done it in the past. She flyes past my mind from time to time, and that's okey. Because we had totally different types of demeanor and personality, I saw and see that as a good thing. She would have been the person to drag me out the door just because she wants a sock. And I the person who tells it as it is when she's in high gear, to say enough is enough, a hand on the shoulder to say calm the fuck down. But something tells me Itty bitty is still a child. Who wants to fuck around and just be. Something tells me she's afraid of love, might not be ready for commitment. Because of how fast she opened the curtains after said words were out. She thought that I thought we were a thing, which I replied honestly with "I wanted to see where this leads" dead end there obviously.

Point is, without Itty bitty I wouldn't have opened my mind to the unknown, and not just go for the typical has to be mix raced excetera. Points for that Itty bitty girl.

Though I would've realized it sooner or later, got a head start thanks to her though!

[derangedroyalfae]

March 21, 2018 - 11:40PM

Dear Nurd,

This isn’t a traditional letter. In fact, it’s almost like a screen shot of a conversation I had with Jewel last night (as you will be reading this hopefully on March 22nd) in regards to what’s been going on with me. I have a hard time talking in person, and as an author, best convey messages through written word rather than orally and spoken. Now I might seem to get harsh at times, but I’m in a complex state of mind. Rather erratic. I’m just going off pure emotion and experience. But I’d like you to know my side of things. My point of view. It was easier to try painting this picture for Jewel as to what was going on from my eyes. So yes, you may feel differently, but you need to understand that this is how I saw and experienced it. And, this is what I’m feeling and dealing with.

-start conversation-

6:47IN THE EVENIN'

Ratty: I think being off my birth control is fucking up my mood swings (or at least going back to normal). I've felt angry with Nurd for 3 days straight now. Or is it technically 4 since it started Sunday. I haven't told him yet, I try to play it cool, but when I'm feeling done with holding a conversation with him I just can't keep up the act and so he notices I'm upset, but doesn't know what about or why. Offers a listening ear, does everything right, but I'm just not ready to speak up, or at least afraid I will lash out unjustly. I just realized that it could be that I'm having mood swings, mainly cuz I've been off my birth control for over two weeks now. So with that thought in mind, maybe I'm ready to tell him. Don't know if it'll make me feel less angry, but it's at least easier to tell someone you're angry at them mainly cuz you haven't taken your medication.

9:22IN THE EVENIN'

Ratty: Fuuuuuuck. I almost broke out in tears at a public restaurant during my brother(-in-law)'s birthday dinner. Doesn't help that it feels like Nurd is treating everything I'm saying like I'm trying to start an argument, I'm not even trying to sound aggressive or anything, I'm talking normally but it's like he thinks I'm trying to start a fight. I hate when family (especially mother and sister) notices that I look like I started or will start crying and so they press me and ask about it but I'm just like "PLEASE DON'T BRING ATTENTION TO ME. Do me a solid here, don't have me talk about it in front of everyone and take away from the reason for being here."

Jewel: Oh goodness...are things any better now?

Ratty: I'm keeping/kept it cool, or trying/tried (birthday boy didn't notice, so I'm fine with that). On the road home now, but Nurd is in another car. My mom asked if I've been taking my Zoloft. I have a new psychiatrist, I see her for the first time next week.

Jewel: Oh. Are you out of your medications, is that why you haven't had it?

Ratty: No. I'm not out. I have doctors to refill me. I just didn't get my birth control until too late because insurance screwed me over. So I can't start taking birth control until my next period is over. Cuz I got my BC a week after the new cycle ended so you can't start taking until the cycle JUST ended. I did miss my Zoloft today. But missing my Zoloft doesn't usually affect me. I've been two weeks off a medication that affects your hormones that I had been taking for almost two years, of course I'm going to react.

Jewel: That makes sense

Ratty: But I also feel like Nurd was trying to fight tonight. I kept trying to stop things by saying "I'll stop talking forever now" and holding my tongue and just avoiding conversing with him too much. Didn't help that we were pretty much in a secluded corner.

Jewel: I guess you both just need some time to yourselves

Ratty: I don't know. Maybe he's just riffing off of me and is feeling attacked. I don't know. I just can't tell if I'm actually being bitchy. But he's making me feel bitchier. But I'm trying not to engage in those feelings. I'm avoiding getting into pointless arguments and lashing out. I'm trying not too.

Jewel: Maybe he's still feeling ruffled from feeling like you're angry at him for no reason, I donno. Which is why I thought it might be good to let him calm down a bit or something.

Ratty: He's not even sure that I'm angry at him. He's even apologized in advance when I told him before dinner that we'd talk about it afterward, thinking he either fucked up or he's sorry that something's upsetting me. So now I'm confused cuz now it's like he's starting to fight me but I don't know why he would if he's sorry. If someone thinks they fucked up, then usually people walk on eggshells. So now he's just being rude, inconsiderate, and his usually derpieness of not realizing what he's doing. Maybe not rude but it's just I'm trying not to fight it it feels like he is whether he knows it or not. Like when I had already repeated a couple times the line of shutting up forever, he was like "is that your quote of the day?"

Jewel: I donno, tbh, "shutting up forever" does sound kinda fighty, in a way. I donno, it would annoy me, like I'm doing something wrong when I don't think I am, if that makes sense.

Ratty: But he didn't say it like he was annoyed, more of in jest. While I was saying it to be like "I'm trying not to upset you so I'm going to stop talking cuz no matter what I say you're treating it like a fight." But I can't say that exact thing without causing a scene or embarrassing him in public. Nurd is the most fucking oblivious derpy ass I know. And every time he tries to make an excuse for his obliviousness, he says "I'm derpy today...well, derpier than usual" which it feels like he always fucking says. You can see how that gets annoying. Like, he doesn't need to keep fucking saying it, I KNOW.

Jewel: Isn't he saying that in jest? Or at any rate, if he has no other reply to being told he's oblivious

Ratty: I'm not looking for answers or excuses when he says it, he doesn't need to explain himself. No, he's explaining himself. And he almost always says it in the same way, and he doesn't realize it. CUZ HE'S A DERP. My anger got started with him with a stupid argument over a stupid trash can in our stupid bathroom (also with how he didn't tell me that he already cleaned most of the bathroom on my exact day I clean the bathroom and I had already (re-)cleaned everything by the time I found out, but that didn't bother me as much as the trash can). This happened Sunday. It just keeps getting left open and it's been bothering me for weeks and when I tried to talk to him about it, he was like "well I'm not even going to notice I left it open so I'm not going to close it" so it was just like pointless and he didn't get why I was so bothered by it even though I gave him reasons. He just ignored them and found other excuses. So I told him to get out of the bathroom so I could finish cleaning it. I wasn't going to drag on a pointless argument, because he will ramble on and on, mainly repeating himself. I am starting to know his patterns now and wasn't in the mood. I suppose I got this way even before taking any medication. I one day just woke up feeling angry with him. So I texted him an apology for feeling angry with him before we even met up that day and he was so good about it, confused, but understanding. At least this time the anger felt justified, if at least a little... And there's been spurts where I forget I'm upset and even been affectionate, but then he reactivates it and I'm done with talking to him. I was even gonna ask him on a date last night for this morning. Cuz I'm not trying to be the aggressor. I'm not trying to be ruled by this emotion. But tonight I just felt like he was unintentionally being a jerk. And I hate trying to explain myself to him when I'm upset or he did something that made me upset cuz he just says excuses and I hardly feel closure like my feelings weren't validated and practically ignored. He's a good guy but he's oblivious. He tries, but just can't get it sometimes. And when I'm an emotional train wreck, gods, it's a bad combination.

Jewel: I guess what I'm getting here is he mainly needs to get better at admitting a mistake instead of excusing it

Ratty: There's part of me that feels like I'll be too mean and/or embarrass him and a part of me that feels like my feeling will be discounted anyway so what's the point, and that's why I'm stalling telling him. Not only does he make excuses for his mistakes, he also over exaggerates, acts like he's keeping track of certain things, like how many goddamn times I've complained about Luna spilling a drink or something else I said. When I know that number he's pulling out his ass is too damn high. And he believes my memory is wrong as his is right. I know I have ADHD, so memory isn't my strong point, but so does he. And even people without ADHD have obscured memory and low chances of remembering things perfectly. Everyone has false memories, as someone who studied psychology (and with the same professor I had), he should know this. But he always hold to his memory. If the statements don't match his memory, the statements are wrong. And so that's why it's so fucking hard to explain myself to him as well, because his goddamn memory is his voucher. Because he remembers it differently. Because he's keeping track of this or that. But he's too oblivious to notice the trash can lid is open. I feel like just screen-shotting everything I've typed to you and send it, cuz it'd be a hell of a lot easier than to actual say it to him. Too much getting off track, of being able to say how I felt about it in the moment but my memories are wonked.

Jewel: I mean, you could send it to him slightly rephrased to address him. Or in general, it might help to write it out, even if you don't send him this

Ratty: He's the one always trying to push me to not be a pushover. To give the letters to my mom and sister. Wouldn't it only be right to give him his?

Jewel: I think it's worth a shot. So you can really properly lay your thoughts out, and he can read it at his pace and actually take it in, instead of replying right away before giving it some thought.

Ratty: We have a bad habit of cutting each other off, not being able to finish thoughts.

Jewel: Yeah, I can imagine. I feel like a lot of people tend to do that, myself included, sometimes.

Ratty: ADD people especially, don't wanna forget that thing that just popped into our hea- oops, now it's gone. We're also both impulsive...so yeah. I feel like talking to you has helped a lot, especially just getting this off my chest. I've actually barricaded my bedroom door with a cat tower cuz I don't have a lock on my knob. I'm not ready yet.

-end conversation-

Perhaps some things I’ve forgotten to mention that whilst you don’t get pissed off easily, you do get pissy a lot. I believe I’ve actually said that to you before. You just seem to get frustrated, defensive, and dismissive so quickly and it makes it hard for me to try and converse with you at times or even want to. 

At the end of the day, I love you so much and don’t want to lose you. But I’m getting to a point where I feel like banging my head against a wall or like I’m between a rock and a hard place with no where comfortable in between. And this could be mainly because of the mood swings. But I’d like to feel that there is an actual valid reasoning for my feelings. That while they may be exaggerated, I’m still feeling them for a reason. I love you and hope this has been helpful to us both.

With love, trust, and communication,

Royal Fae

Post Script

I feel like this dialogue I had with Jewel after putting this together can also be very important and vital to you understanding the emotional turmoil I’m going through right now. It’s a very frightening and confusing state I’m in.

-start conversation-

11:58IN THE EVENIN'

Jewel: Sounds good too. But I guess what you mean by "I’d like to feel that there is an actual valid reasoning for my feelings" is really that you think there is a valid reason, right?

Ratty: yeah

Jewel: Cuz the way this is worded almost sounds like wishful thinking/ Donno if I'm just interpreting things weird or overthinking it

Ratty: I don't know if I'm interpreting my feelings weird or overthinking it XD I guess it is wishful thinking. It's a really scary place that I'm at. I want to believe my emotions are mine. But I'm scared I'm not feeling justified things. I'm scared. I'm confused

Jewel: Yeah...if it's any help, the things you told me he does would annoy me too

Ratty: I want this to stop. I want my mood swing to go away. I want to be able to know that I'm feeling something and have the right to, not just because I'm hormonal. I feel like I just got hit hard by a truck of emotions, so I'm not sure which are truly my valid ones. I mean fuck, who gets angry with their fiancé for four days straight over a fucking trash can.

Jewel: In a way, something good might come of it. Cuz ultimately, these little things do add up in the long run. But if this experience helps you two work through these things, on the bright side, you both might come out stronger because of it.

Ratty: yeah, and that's why it's important to talk to him and tell him all of this

Jewel: After all, it's a fact that the biggest indicator of a couple breaking up or staying together is how often they work through or drop the little things.

Ratty: I almost feel like I'm crazy or becoming like my mom, you know? I can't wait to start seeing my psychiatrist. I thought I was doing fine, but maybe my mom was right. Maybe it's more than just the birth control.

Jewel: Why did you change psychiatrists, by the way?

Ratty: I moved

Jewel: Oh right, of course, that makes sense

Ratty: and I was doing better, I was at a point where I only needed to see her once a month and my therapist occasionally. But then there was that moment in October and now this. My low dosage of birth control can't be the only thing doing this to me

Jewel: Maybe it's the recent many changes? You moved, you were stressed about jobs until now, things like that

Ratty: I don't want to get hospitalized like my sisters and mom, I only ever had thoughts of hurting myself and slightly acting it out that one time, but it could be enough to scare a psychiatrist. But I don't want to hide that. I don't want to be hospitalized right after starting a new job, that is. I know I'm being paranoid, but Cat never actually tried to kill herself when she was hospitalized. Same for my mom.

Jewel: But since you've never even had thoughts of self-harm since then, would that still be enough? And you didn't actually harm yourself when you felt the urge

Ratty: I don't know. Every psychiatrist is different. You don't even have to a danger to yourself or others to be hospitalized. My mom only hurt herself once and it was because she had nerve pain and was trying to distract herself. I kinda did hurt myself. I slapped, bit, gripped, and knocked myself. Pulled my hair. I needed to not feel the emotional anguish. I just didn't jump out the window like I wanted to. Not in a suicidal way, just to hurt myself during the fall. I told you my emotions are going haywire right now. I'm being erratic and jumping to things. It was one time, and months ago. I shouldn't let it catch back up to me.

Jewel: Is there anything that might help calm or distract you even a bit? Just to ease things enough to not let it get worse.

Ratty: My insomnia has gotten bad again. Can't fall asleep for a long time until very late and then wake up rather early, almost unable to go back to sleep, which isn't something caused by sleep apnea. I have a fidget spinner now. Won it from a holiday game. I had it on me tonight during dinner and it helped. Luna helps and once I clear the rubble with Nurd…he should too…

Jewel: Does music help? Or those calming sounds things?

Ratty: sometimes…mainly music. Though, that one night, nothing could help. Only spacing out and drooling on myself like a lobotomized vegetable…

-end conversation-

[gontagokuhara]

me and @thisiswhatmylifeamountsto created a boyfriend for jared kleinman and here he is

lgbtrucy: idea: jared has the Biggest crush on one of his online gamer friends and while literally Everyone is aware hes gay (he told them all himself he wants them all to Know) he would rather die than admit he likes this online friendconnor finds out by accident. it turns wild

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: Dude yes ((((((GAYmer friend)))))))) Nope you

*Nope you’re committed to this now - how does Connor find out? 

lgbtrucy: and i feel like jared has connor and evan over around his place and theyre playing something online and jared’s friend comes on and jared’s immediately like “evan give the controller to connor i cant look like my friends are bad at video games"and connor is like >:) whats this

and he isnt horrible at video games, he just doesnt rly care about them (and jared Knows This) so when connor starts playing the worst he’s ever played jared is pissed

lgbtrucy: “connor what the hell man, you’re making me look like shit, knock it off!!”

evan eventually catches on and he and connor just start. making the fuck out in the middle of the game and jared has to get his headset on and apologize to his friend

“dude im so sorry my co-op is making out with his boyfriend IN MY ROOM, WHICH IS REALLY FUCKING WEIRD CONNOR, anyways sorry but hes the only one here that can play w me”

lgbtrucy: and connor is a smug asshole so hes like “oh who you talking to jared??” and jared goes red as hell and is like “no one just a friend online—you Were playing against him until you started fucking evan on my bedroom floor”

and the tiniest, giggliest “hot” comes from the headset and In That Moment, evan and connor pledge themselves to hooking jared up w this mysterious gamer boy who is so obviously perfect for jared

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: THIS IS SO GOOD IM CACKLING AND CRYING Please tell me more about the adventures of Jared and mysterious gamer boy

lgbtrucy: ok So jared and mystery boy

lgbtrucy: his name is elliot, he’s half-korean, and i love him

lgbtrucy: hes goofy and more conventionally funny as opposed to jared, who’s funny by being kind of mean and using crude humor

lgbtrucy: anyways later on, evan is over at connor’s house and they break out connor’s scarcely-used xbox and send a friend request to elliot

once theyre friends, they sort of keep up appearences for a little while, playing games with him and eventually moving into text chatting and talking on headsets (connor had to spend $50 on a new headset. he was not pleased)

lgbtrucy: and one day they not-so-casually let slip the fact that they were “the guys who were fucking on jared’s floor” (evan nearly choked when elliot said that) and elliot is like !! “no way!! you guys are friends with jared?”

lgbtrucy: and because evan is a #good friend hes talking jared up “oh yeah jared is like my best friend, he’s so funny and cool and really good at video games” and elliots just “yeah, i know right” all dreamily and connor + evan know their plan is gonna Work

lgbtrucy: and connor says “maybe you two should meet up or something, i heard theres a convention or whatever near here this weekend” and elliot is like “!!heck yeah i just gotta ask my mom”

lgbtrucy: fastforward to the con: connor and evan are being dragged around by jared while he shows off excitedly but he suddenly halts when connor calls out, “hey, elliot.”

lgbtrucy: and jared doesnt know what elliot looks like. he doesnt know that its him officially. the only reason connor and evan know is bc they traded numbers and selfies so they could find each other

and elliot yells back “hey connor! hey evan!” and jared Knows because he knows his voice and he is ready to Die and break evan’s other arm

lgbtrucy: because evan Knows hes gay and even if he would rather cut off his own foot than admit he actually Likes elliot, evan knew that he thought really highly of him and What The Fuck evan???

lgbtrucy: and elliot approaches and looks at jared all smiles and asks him “jared?” and jared just kind of dazedly nods and elliot Lights Up and hugs him (jared nearly collapses) and is like “oh my god man im so excited to meet you!!!! i was looking forward to this all week since evan and connor told me about this!!!” and jared gives them A Look but hes lowkey happy

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: Honestly this was all I ever wanted wow

lgbtrucy: so the four of them walk around the con, connor and evan kinda trailing behind because elliot is talking to jared about the mechanics behind some game they both like and how calculating the math of it made him really good, and it helps him w his adhd, and theyre all happy and gay(jared gets elliots number later)(and the rest is history) in conclusion im very passionate about jared and his gamer bf

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: That was beautiful I also applaud your dedication I am also v passionate about Jared and his gamer boyfriend tbh

lgbtrucy: #givejaredaboyfriend2k17

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: Now that is a cause I can get behind I’m kinda laughing at imagining gamer bf finding out about jared’s obsession with bath bombs

lgbtrucy: jared whispers “love the cronch” and everyone else loses it but elliot is just ?? “what????”

lgbtrucy: its explained to him and more than anything hes confused about why he would waste a $10 bath bomb by eating it

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: Honestly so am I Wtf Jared But just think about Connor embarrassing Jared as much as possible 

Because like He’s done the nice bit by getting them to meet And now he can be a little shit

lgbtrucy: “dear elliot cho we’ve been way too out of touch  life has been crazy and it sucks that we dont talk that much. but i should tell you that i think of you each night; i rub my nipples and start moaning in delight” “CONNOR WHAT THE F U C K NO”

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: I’M CRYING NO I CAN’T THAT WORKS SO WELL

lgbtrucy: while jared is Suffering elliot is just delighted at how cute he is “dont be embarrassed man its cute!!”

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: ((((((Dammit why am I so attached to this fictional fictional character))))) Also On the list of things I want for no particular reason Alana + Elliot brotp

lgbtrucy: YES they both talk a lot but theyre both very on par with each other intelligence wise so it balances out??

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: Yes yes yes 

They do that thing where they both speak over each other a lot but they’re both happy because they’re enjoying what they’re talking about Plus Elliot is the one who gets her to call her friends her friends instead of her acquaintances

lgbtrucy: ye hes a good influence on everybody but everybody is Not a good influence on him

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: Tell me more?

lgbtrucy: connor gets him high and he nearly drowns himself trying to race connor in a swimming contest

lgbtrucy: jared fucks his sense of humor for good. everytime someone mentions the word “dick” he laughs for ten minutes straigh

tzoe convinces him to dye his hair baby pink. she messes up the dying process and he ends up with electric pink hair

evan and alana are the only good influences 

tbhthisiswhatmylifeamountsto: So far he’s got bright pink hair, laughing at dicks and drowning Amazing ((((OK but Jared being a little shit all the time But when Elliot thinks he’s going to far He gives Jared a look Like a LOOK And Jared is sort of like Oh shit OK That was pretty fucked up Sorry))))

lgbtrucy: yes!! he uses that look a Lot when connor and jared are in the same room

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: Oh yeah definitely But one time Jared, Connor, Elliot and Evan are together for a while And Elliot doesn’t have to use the look once And he’s really damn impressed

lgbtrucy: jared gets an extra round of smorches. jared decides he likes that better than fucking w connor

thisiswhatmylifeamountstoYes But Connor is really confused??? Because like Sure Jared’s better with Elliot But suddenly he’s a downright angel??? And it’s weird But one day when Connor is feeling like shit Jared genuinely helps him out And Connor doesn’t care what happened It happened And it’s good

lgbtrucy: they still fuck w each other but its more lighthearted 

nowthisiswhatmylifeamountsto: Like more “Hey I’m kinda being mean to you but it’s ok because we both know we love each other But in a heterosexual way Because we would never date Ever No Stop thinking about it" 

Honestly Elliot sometimes questioned whether he should wonder if Jared was cheating on him but he A) trusted Jared B) could see how in love Connor was with Evan

lgbtrucy: he realizes even tho theyre being nicer to each other they could never date. they get caught at evans house together when a bad storm hits and they have to stay overnight and by the time they leave theyre beginning to go at each others throats so. no chemistry there

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: Accurate Wait crap what about the Evan + Elliot brotp

lgbtrucy: they get along rly well honestly theyre good influences

elliot has adhd so he Knows how it feels when things become too much nd they can bond over similar experiences

lgbtrucy: good friends 10/10 would brotp

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: I feel like their friendship is really pure Like half the time their conversations are just a bunch of compliments thrown at each other? Honestly I’m convinced that Elliot is my fave and this is really bad

lgbtrucy: elliot is the unproblematic fave

he just likes video games and his friends and his bf

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: ok but Elliot not having any close friends He’s that guy who chats to everyone but has noone to confide in etc And then he finds some online But it’s still not the same And suddenly he has five??? And like They all really like him Like obviously he knew Jared And he got to know Connor and Evan But Zoe and Alana love him too And I’m just such trash for this au wow

lgbtrucy: ELLIOT LOVES ALL OF HIS BEST FRIENDS

when someone asks who his bff is he cant choose"oh man i dont know!! i love all my friends the same theyre all really great” (crying boyfriend sounds in the distance)

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: Honestly every time Elliot does something really sweet/pure/nice Jared cannot handle it At all Because !!!! MY !!!!!!!! BOYFRIEND !!!!! HE’S SO CUTE But going back to drunk Jared Imagine drunk Jared with sober Elliot

lgbtrucy: "HI DID YOU KNOW I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND ELLIOT HES REALLY NICE AND CUTE AND R ES LLY GOOD AT VIDEO GAMES”

lgbtrucy: “o….oh really?” elliot is dying blushing at this point

“YEA HES REALLY GOOD DID YOU KNOW HE USES MATH AND SHIT TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES? IT SOUNDS LAME BUT HES RESLLY GOOD. AND ALSO VERY CUTE DID I MENTION I LOVE MY BOYFRIEJD HIS NAME IS ELLIOT”

someone (probably connor or zoe) is recording at this point. evan is near tears lauging. elliot is In Love

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: When Jared watches the video in the morning he gets really nervous because he hasn’t seen Elliot that morning But when he does “So I hear you have a boyfriend named Elliot and he’s really cute? Interestingly enough I have a boyfriend named Jared’s who’s really cute - look how much we have in common” And Jared dies

lgbtrucy: DHSHSHS YES THATS SO CUTE (connor posts the video. it goes semi-viral. jared dies for a different reason)

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: (Jared moans that he’s lost all of his street cred Nobody has the heart to tell him he never had any in the first place) OK but how often do Jared and Elliot so they’re going on a date And then the next day everyone finds out the ‘date’ consisted of beating each other at every single video game either of them owned

lgbtrucy: elliot is always swooning over these “super romantic” dates and everyone is like ??? jared?? ROMANTIC??? and its a big thing trying to find out just what jared and elliot do

turns out these romantic dates are playing video games for 10 hours and then going to mcdonalds at 3 am and sharing a milkshake

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: Like when they find out everybody sort of wonders why they expected anything else 

They met in person at a con through a shared love for video games after about three months of planning because neither of them wanted to make a move

lgbtrucy: elliot, unironically: jared is the most romantic person in the world everyone: that sounds fake but ok

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: But I feel like Jared would be a really attentive bf Like he actually pays attention to what’s going on in Elliot’s life Like the day he has a big exam he has everything 100% prepared to congratulate him/cheer him up depending on how it went

lgbtrucy: hes a really good bf but only like…..secretly. he has to keep up his Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman appearance

physical affection is where he hesitates tho hes v awkward with holding hands/kissing/cuddling. elliot has to initiate all of it

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: Elliot so called him that once to make fun of him but it’s stuck now and they can’t get Jared to stop coming into a room announcing himself as the INSANELY COOL JARED KLEINMAN 

Elliot felt awkward about it first because he wasn’t sure whether Jared was comfortable with it and he didn’t want to make Jared feel bad But then they have a long, way-overdue talk and work out how things are gonna work

lgbtrucy: its not from a lack of interest that jared doesnt initiate it he just. where do u put ur hands. is it weird to just kiss ur bf randomly. fuck evan was right hands DO get sweaty abd [panic alarm] but as soon as elliot touches him hes like “nice” and is totally into it

thisiswhatmylifeamountsto: OK honestly I’m so sad that Elliot doesn’t exist he’s literally Jared’s ideal boyfriend this is such a travesty

lgbtrucy: make elliot famous

THE ELLIOT PROJECT

except its me posting at 2 am about how much i love him

[bittersot]

2019-06-01

Hello, my name is G̸̟̠̜͇̦̜͌̿͌͒̊͡͠h̖͈̬̫̲̆̋̈̇̌̂̕o͖͕̻̞̘̩͆̆̑̐̉̽͂̍̕ş̘̩̙̮̾̋͋̉́̌̉͘̚t̶̫̲͓̥̱̲̺͇̮͑̒̅̽̍̽̔̊̎, I am 18 years old, and I have ADHD.

When I was a child, I was a bit self centered, so to speak. It wasn't that I tried to be, I was just, a bit dense, very dense. I said what came to mind, I repeated what I heard others say without thinking much on the meaning, if it sounded nice and got stuck in my head, I'd use it, likely in the wrong way.

I was always quick to jump into conversations and share my experiences, not noticing if I cut someone off, but ai got pissed if someone interrupted me. Most people probably thought me annoying, but not everyone would say self-centered, because I didn't just talk about myself, I talked about EVERYTHING that excited me, and as a child, 99% of the world excited me. I knew tons about reptiles and dinosaurs, nature, animals and running around were some of the best things I knew. I was hungry for new information, I liked to do stuff physically, and I liked to read about different topics as well. I did it due to excitement however, and could rarely take a stance on topics, I only got mad if something inconvenienced me directly(notice that this includes something bad happening to my friends, because that meant we likely couldn't play as usually etc). I was not good with understanding people, I took things literally when most of my peers had moved further into "social skills", and I remember not knowing what a Bra was nor why I shouldn't take of my shirt when it was hot in the classroom. I don't know how they found out you shouldn't do that, but while I did get laughs and sighs directed at me, it didn't bother me, because that info didn't excite me. I was at the top of my grade, I got the most advanced books in literature, though since they had less pictures than in the others books, I didn't see it as a win. Taking in info en masse but without looking at it socially, I was marked as a bit of a weird kid, but people found me cool nonetheless. I prefered to hang out with boys, I enjoyed running around in the forest behind the school with sticks pretending we were agents or soldiers. I was friends with girls, for most of the time, however, some I lost contact with because I didn't "get" them. They weren't bad, a bit mean sometimes, but I just didn't get the fun in talking about fashion and "popular" things, perhaps because you needed to follow a certain trend, perhaps because we sat still a lot, but I wasn't drawn to them. I did have two other close girl friends, they were more into fantasy like me, but due to a certain cat related mishap, we split for a while, during which I went to hang out with the boys, and that stuck for a while.

I was also very, very, stubborn, to my own detriment. I would disagree over the most stupid things cause they didnt please me at the current moment, such as refusing to eat the meatloaf because it didn't look good, and getting the rest of my daycare class to do the same. It wasn't untul everyone was standing around waiting for naptime that the caretakers got me to take a bite, and I liked it, thought it tasted good. Don't know why I so passionately decided to shit on meatloaf on that day, but I got the rest of the class in on it, and stuck with it even when I was the only one left. During handball practice before a match with another group one time, I refused to shoot at the goal if it wasn't with "my ball", I think I remember thinking "Why am I doing this, why am I do stubborn?" In the middle of my protest, perhaps because my teammates were complaining about me loudly, but I didn't give up immediately, I couldn't.

I was also impulsive. God, so impulsive. I threw a stuffed animal at a teacher ones cause she was making a joke while dragging out the time until she'd give us results on a certain topic. I felt really embarrassed. The few seconds before it happened, I remember imagining it like a cartoony scene when everyone complained and things were thrown around in the background, so I launched away my plushie at her. I tended to hit and punch my friends as I grew older, in middle school I would jump some of my friends as a way of greeting them. I didnt think it through, it just felt right, I enjoyed the body contact and their complaints, somewhat, because they would still smile afterwards and hang out with me.

It was easy to make me cry. It didn't happen often, because I mostly thought about myself and other remarks didn't land unless I was engaged in a discussion of a topic of massive interest to me, or if something inconvenienced me. I lost a toy ones, a blue bakugan snake ball, and I cried. I cried and I cried and ALL the other girls in the class had to gather to comfort me as I lied on a couch unconsolable.

In high-school, it was the first time I was in a class where a majority of students were teens I didn't know previously. And these teens were not used to my antics. Whereas in my two previous schools, most kids were somewhat cool with me because "I had always been that way", in this new class, when I didn't stick to social rules or hit someone in a friendly manner(or so I thought) it was called out and focused on. Half because it was bad(and it was, I was impulsive and my hits likely hurt) but I feel like a few of them revelled in how weird I was, didn't try to bully me, but I remember hearing whispers behind my back, and the girls would laugh and treat me as a pet when I hung out with them.

I split during 7th grade. I don't remember exactly when, but the anxiety which had been planted somewhere around the end of middle school took root and thanks to RSD, it got a boost so bad it shut me down completely. I shut up, kept my hands to myself, my thoughts to myself, and my feelings to myself(what happened was not DiD, if DiD is like driving in a car and other personalities being able to take over the wheel, then what happend to me was that I previously always wore clothes for sunny days, and now after a terrible snowstorm put on winter clothes, and since they seemed to work, I refused to take them off, even subconciously). Old me did show up in the cracks of my new self when talking to the one friend I still had from my past, but due to reasons (which I have reason to believe was gaslighting, but then again we were kids, I think my RSD just made it worse, plus when she talked about me to others without asking me if she could (Young me found her to be way too loud and open about herself, no surprise considering what I was doing but I don't think she did anything bad)) I pushed her away through ignoring her more and more, in some way I thought I "set her free" to be with people as open and honest as herself, and we split paths when high school ended, not keeping up contact.

My new self, was very introspective, I had to be, everyone had focused on being able to define their identity for a while now, whereas I hadn't thought much of anything outside of the best thing in the moment. I looked inside myself, and found stress, fear, and emotional turmoil. I started to avoid classes and presentation where I was put on display for a lot of people, and taken to a therapist when my parents started to notice how I stayed home unusually often. This me became very good at observing and picking out faults in myself and others, not actual faults, but faults as society saw them. Despite my young self being dense, I wasn't immune to the information I picked up. I remember being told as a woman that I should focus on being hot and pleasant to men, and now when I didn't have my whims to take my focus off the subject, the misogyny around me caught up and that hurdle of imperfection sent me deeper into depression. Never wear your heart on your sleeve, I told myself, over and over, it was far too risky. I grew very depressed, having a hard time leaving bed most days, falling asleep as soon as I got home. I remember spending endless nights crying and crying. What kept me alive was Pokémon, Vocaloid, and the two friend groups I was blessed to have, while I fell out of touch with one due to getting to attached to a certain person and then realizing they thought of me as, something, I was left with the other group. Other group split, which didn't bother me because I was still with the person who motivated me the most, and she went into animation. I followed her, and thanks to her, I decided to go to an animation school. Rest is documented elsewhere, but after around my first year, I realized I didn't want to be an animator, but I am glad I took this route, because I am good with said subjects, and it felt like a chance to think what I truly want to do, and I have now decided I want to go into psychology. My troubles are far from over, my old self has broken free and is showing up more and more, not irl, I'm too afraid of that still, but I hope I can tame her, and be myself again, but with the experience and capabilities of thinking things through and enjoy reading the charades most people seem to put up.

What do I know? I quit sports(handball) in middle school cause the rest of the team were "normal" girls, neurotypical who liked to talk and joke about things those types of girls do(I hate that I can't express this any better), but I kept on dancing for a while, and I loved it, I still do. Dancing and working out till I can't move are some of the best ways to make me feel good, to get rid of that excess energy, especially dancing, but due to feeling that everyone was so much better than me, and my inability to leave the house on my own when I technically could just not move from my comfort zone, play more games and not go, I ended up quitting that as well. I wish to dance, workout, and do yoga again, preferably with someone, so the motivation is greater, if someone else is there, I can't just bail.

But, I'm 18 now, and due to reasons, I have been told I am not to trust, and I believe that, not because they are right, but because of what they have said, along with depression, my memory has started to deteriorate. I've always had a hard time remembering unless it is something I am extremely excited about, thus I have let a lot of people down when it comes to birthdays and arriving on time, so I wanted to write down what I can remember as of now, when I left my childhood barely a month ago. Everything will be gone soon, but I do believe that what I have written here isn't made up, this is who I am, and who I was.

Final note, I had an unspeakable amount of imaginary friends throughout my entire childhood, human, humanoid, animalistic and monsterous, Pokémon and other fantasy beings. I still have many imaginary friends, I wouldn't be able to keep together without them, thanks to them I developed the Superiority Complex which got me out of the deepest parts of my depression, and now they are helping me drop said complex. It is silly, but due to, everything, I can't trust anyone outside of myself. I still can't, but I wish to change that, I need to.