#did I download clue just to write this? no comment

[sgt-tombstone]

When Soap caught a glimpse of the red and white app on Ghost’s phone, he wasn’t sure he saw it correctly. It was the quickest flash, out of the corner of his eye, in a dark and crowded pub the night after one of the longest ops they’d been on in a long time. Surely, it wasn’t…

But then he saw it again, a few days later, when Ghost pulled out his phone to message Price about something inane, Soap sitting next to him like always. And there it was: Clue Period & Cycle Tracker.

He knew he’d recognized it the first time; it was the same app that his sister used when she and her husband had been trying for their second child, and he’d know the app logo anywhere with how often she’d shoved her phone in his face, complaining about fertility windows and PMS. But, contrary to popular belief, John MacTavish knew when to keep his mouth shut, so he didn’t mention it, despite the questions crawling up his throat like ants.

That didn’t mean he didn’t acknowledge it at all, though. It was a little hard to come to terms with, his hulking lieutenant being trans, but it didn’t change how he felt about him, the smoldering lust (and love) that he felt just by being in the same room as him. He needed to show Simon that it didn’t bother him, that he’d be supportive of him no matter what. That he would love him no matter what.

So, in typical MacTavish fashion, he started talking. Small stuff, at first, comments about how fucking stupid anti-trans laws were or how he’d always prioritized the people he loved over whatever was in their pants. It was awkward at times, and maybe a little heavy-handed, but he was trying his best. All it gained him, though, were confused looks from everyone around him, Ghost included. At one point, Gaz even pulled him aside and pointedly asked if there was anything he wanted to tell him, but Soap didn’t dare out his lieutenant, so he stammered through a denial and beat a hasty retreat.

Maybe he needed to be more explicit. The on-store base sold the bare minimum of period supplies, and he didn’t know anything about Ghost’s cycles, so he grabbed what he vaguely remembered his sister mentioning, along with some chocolate, pain killers, and a heating pad. It wasn’t much, woefully inadequate and almost comically small in the only box he had in his room, but… he was trying his best.

He knocked on Ghost’s door that night, box under his arm and heart in his throat. When Ghost opened the door, he practically shoved the box into his chest, his face burning with embarrassment, and Ghost leveled him with a questioning look as he waved him inside. The last thing Soap wanted to do was have this conversation, but he stepped in anyway, heart hammering as Ghost closed the door behind him.

“What is this, Sergeant?”

For once, Soap didn’t know what to say. Maybe this was a bad idea. How did one tell their superior officer that they were aware of and fully supported their gender identity, despite said superior officer never having actually told them about it? They didn’t, that’s how. Except that’s exactly what Soap had to do, somehow.

“I, uh,” he stammered. Great start. “I just wanted tae-“

“Why are you giving me pads, Soap?”

Soap wanted the floor to swallow him whole and leave nothing but a soot stain on the floor to indicate his swift descent into hell. Ghost had opened the box and was looking over it at him, one eyebrow raised in bafflement.

“I just,” Soap said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. Was it hot in here? He felt sweat drip down the valley of his spine as Ghost continued to fix him with that same expectant stare. “I just thought ye might-“

“Do you think I have a period, Soap?”

It wasn’t said with an air of disgust, or even derision, just earnest curiosity, but it prickled something defensive in Soap anyway, and he rushed to explain himself.

“Ah saw ye had an app on yer phone and it’s the same one my sister uses so I figured ye were trans and just hidin’ it well so I just…”

He drifted off, words petering out when he registered Ghost’s chuckles. In fact, he was full on laughing, curled slightly over the box still in his arms, one hand raised to his face, pulling off his mask to wipe at his eyes. Hot rage swept through Soap at the sound.

“You bastart,” he cried. “Ah was just trying tae be supportive and yer laughin’ at me-“

“I’m sorry, Soap,” Simon said, schooling his expression slightly, but Soap could still see mirth dancing in his eyes. It was a good look on him, and it was hard to hold onto his anger in the face of it. “I’m feeling very supported, thank you.”

Hard, but not impossible. Soap glared at him through narrowed eyes, crossing his arms over his chest.

“If yer gonna mock me, I’ll take the box back, ye bampot,” he muttered, but Simon pulled the box closer to his chest, protective of its contents.

“It was a gift, Sergeant,” he said, shaking his head. “No take-backs.”

“What are ye, five?”

“Thirty-five,” Simon corrected, a glimmer of mischief in his smile. “And not trans, either. Though I’m sure every trans person is very appreciative of your wholehearted support.”

“Fuck ye,” Soap said without heat. The tension drained out of his shoulders and he slumped slightly where he stood in the middle of Simon’s room. “What’s the app for, then?”

“It’s to keep track of the side effects of my medications,” Simon shrugged, putting the box on his desk and stepping back over to his bed, but not before Soap noticed him pocketing the chocolate. “My psychiatrist recommended it. Works well, even if it gets confused that I never actually have a period. Good for keeping track of trends, though.”

And that… Made sense, all things considered. He knew that Simon took a small handful of pills everyday when they were on base, medications to help with his anxiety and other PTSD-related symptoms, but he’d never thought about the side effects that they might have. His confusion must have shown because—in a jarring moment of deja vu—he abruptly had a phone being shoved, albeit more gently than his sister had, in his face. He immediately recognized the app’s calendar, tracking various symptoms in colored tabs on each day. Most of them were orange, having to do with mood or sleep or energy levels, but some were blue or green, and he wasn’t sure what those were for. None of them, notably, were red.

“Oh,” he said dumbly, a little shocked at how forthcoming Simon was being about all of this. “Ah guess… Ah can take the stuff back then.”

“Don’t you dare,” Simon said quickly, a little teasingly. He put his phone back in his pocket and stepped unsubtly between Soap and his desk. “When your sergeant shows up at your door with chocolate and pain killers, he’s not allowed to leave with them, too.”

“Surely ye don’t need the pads, though, LT,” he said, cheeks heating with embarrassment again.

“I’m sure they’ll come in handy the next time you get shot in the field,” Simon smirked, dodging Soap’s badly-aimed smack with a chuckle.

“Ahm sorry,” Soap said quietly, not letting himself get swept up in Simon’s good mood. “Ah didnae mean tae assume-“

“Johnny,” Simon said quietly, suddenly in his space, his bare hand rising to tilt Soap’s chin up, forcing him to meet Simon’s eyes. They were soft and genuine where they bore into Soap’s, and the sight made his breath catch in his throat. “Thank you. You were wrong, but I appreciate the thought.”

“Yeah?” Soap said, embarrassingly breathless. When Simon nodded, he risked placing his hands on Simon’s hips, heat searing through the black fabric of his shirt.

“You noticed what no one else did and tried to be supportive the only way you knew how,” Simon continued, gaze still pining Soap in place, and Soap really needed him to step back or else he’d be very aware of exactly what effect his voice had on Soap.

“I always will, sir,” Soap breathed, and then abruptly stopped breathing at the darkened look in Simon’s eyes.

“You always take care of me, Johnny,” he rumbled, and the dam broke. Within a heartbeat, their lips met, a slick slide of teeth and tongues and pent-up desire, their hands sweeping across each other’s bodies, touching everything in reach. Soap felt one hand tangle at the base of his mohawk, the other splayed across his lower back, a radiating heat diffusing across his skin. His own hands were clenched in the back of Simon’s shirt, holding him as close as possible as he pushed himself up and forward, as far into Simon as he could get with layers of clothes and skin and muscle between them.

After an indeterminate amount of time—Soap couldn’t have guessed minutes or hours for all the money in the world—Simon gently broke them apart with a palm on his cheek, his hand so big that it covered the entire side of Soap’s face, and the thought made him whine even as he let himself be pushed away. They didn’t go far; Simon pressed his forehead against Soap’s, both of them gasping each other’s air as they caught their breath.

“Fuck, sir,” Soap panted, eyes pressed shut as he struggled to process what had just happened.

“Want to find out what exactly you were wrong about, Johnny?” Simon asked. Soap looked up at him, eyes flying open in confusion, then glanced down when Simon tilted his head with a smug smile. In the scant space between them, he could see the clear tent in Simon’s pants, and he couldn’t have stopped the moan that ripped out of his throat if he’d tried.

“Fuck, sir,” he repeated, looking up again, his eyes dancing with excited lust.

“I was hoping to,” Simon replied, and his laughter echoed around the room as Soap shoved him down onto the bed, his grip on his sergeant pulling them flush.

Later, as Soap laid on Simon’s bed, sprawled and strung out, the scent of sex heavy in the air, his limbs even heavier, he couldn’t help but to be glad, for the first time in his life, that he’d been wrong.

Read it on ao3 here!

[deedee-sims]

Tutorial - extracting stuff from Disco Elysium (+ viewing the models in blender)

Due to... recent events, I decided to finally get myself to write a tutorial about this, because all I found was some half-assed reddit comments when I was trying to figure out how to do it sometime last year.

I'll show you how to extract... pretty much everything (including voice lines) from the game.

This is a beginner tutorial, so you don't have to know shit about any of these programs, I'll try to explain everything.

I promise it's pretty easy! I extracted stuff from various games, and this is one of the easiest I ever did, so yeah.

You'll need:

Disco Elysium on PC

AssetStudio

Blender

+1 Interfacing

+2 Endurance (mostly to survive my bad jokes)

First of all, open AssetStudio. You don't have to install it or anything, just unzip the file you downloaded and open the program inside (AssetStudioGUI).

This is how the bad boy looks like, we'll be able to see the asset list on the left and the preview on the right.

Click on File../Load Folder.

Select the folder where the game is installed. For me it's Steam\steamapps\common\Disco Elysium\disco_Data. You can load individual files too, but it's easier to just list everything and then filter them imo.

Wait... for a while. It's a lot of assets. Make a tea or something (hydration is important).

After everything loaded up, click on the Asset List tab. You can see all the stuff! Well, it's rather confusing. Let's see what is what!

If you click on Filter Type, you can see the types of the assets. These are:

AnimationClip: I think these are supposed to be the animations, you can export them if you select an animator asset alongside and right click Export Animator + selected Animation Clips (couldn't get the animation to play but that's probably on me).

Animator: These are the rigged models, you can export them to .fbx format, but I couldn't figure out what to do with them in Blender because they were kinda distorted (funnily enough, when I imported it to the shitty Milkshape program it showed up just fine... and people wonder why I prefer shitty Milkshape XD) Anyway, I hope someone can figure this out that actually knows something about Blender lol.

Audio Clip: Sounds, voice lines, background music. (.wav format)

Font: Well, fonts. Can be exported and installed to your device like any fonts.

Mesh: 3D models of the characters, objects, scenes. (.obj format)

MonoBehaviour: No fucking clue.

Shader: Shaders for the game. Not interesting in our case.

Sprite: Images that the game uses: portraits, object thumbnails, user interface elements.

Texture 2D: The textures that belong to the 3D models. (.png format)

TextAsset: ??

VideoClip: The stuff that plays when you open the game.

You can preview any assets (well, the ones that you can preview), if you click on them. You can view them in the right panel.

You can extract by left click on the asset in the list -> Export selected assets. You can select multiple assets and export them at the same time.

The program will ask you to select a folder where you want to export the stuff. It'll export them into separate folders, by assets.

Well, yeah, now you know what is what, and how to extract them, but there are still a lot of assets. Good news, you can filter them with the little search bar too, if you type in some gibberish! Some stuff are a little tricky to find.

Voice lines are grouped by task / place, so if you know where the particular thing takes place, you can try to filter for those. The assets are named with the speaker's name - either a character or a skill. I think the numbers mean some kind of order, but I couldn't really figure it out. If you click on one of them, you can preview, and listen to it in the right panel! Super easy! (if you want your own daba-doop-doop-dead it's Kim Kitsuragi-YARD  HANGED MAN-556. Just saying)

For objects and characters, you can find them by name, although some characters are named differently. Like, Harry is referred as Tequila in the game files.

Basically if you want to have a character or an object extracted, you’ll need to extract a mesh and a texture that belongs to it. You can quite literally play dress-up game with Harry, because all of his clothes are separate files (and named with kinda the clothing item name). The Kineema has multiple parts (exterior - interior - door - whatever else).

Anyway, let's move on to the Blender part before I forget how to do it (I learned it this morning lol). (Disclaimer: I don't know jack shit about Blender, I use it for extracting stuff and creating the simplest shapes in existence. I use the godforsaken program Milkshape on a daily basis.)

Open Blender.

Hit delete to get rid of this beautiful default cube.

File.../Import.../Wavefront (.obj)

Select the thing you want to import (I'll import the gremlin child).

There he is! And he doesn't fucking care!

Btw, you can zoom with the middle mouse button scroll or middle mouse button + Ctrl, rotate with middle mouse button, move the view with middle mouse button + Shift. So you can see his itty-witty mischievous face from very close!

Now, that's great, but he doesn't have textures still. First of all, change the Viewport Shading to Material Preview.

Select him (just click on him, you'll see an orange outline). And go to the Material Properties tab on the side.

Click on the little dot next to Base Color, and select Image Texture.

Click on the Open button that appeared out of nowhere, and search for the Cuno texture.

Tada! He looks beautiful now! (and he still doesn’t fucking care)

You can do the same with any 3D models, objects from the game, really.

Well, that's it lol. I hope it made sense! And I really hope someone runs away with extracting the animators + animations, because I'm pretty sure it's doable, I just have no clue how.

[hannahbarberra162]

hi!!! i wanted to leave another appreciation ask for you!! lately you've been pumping out SO many bangers, between the incredible endings of can't fix a broken heart, crocodiles gambit, your personal oc work and under the microscope plus so many others like how that ive started to name them im realizing the devil works hard but you work HARDER idk what you do for work but i hope you're not over stressing yourself with all this writing!! its so eloquent and the dialogue is so engaging I have no clue how you get these chapters out to us so fast!! i know ive said it a lot but i hope to be able to call myself ur biggest fan haha and i think its always nice to be reminded of how great you are! so i wanna remind you!! i just got done reading the crocodiles gambit and although i adore your yandere fics since you make them so psychological and suspenseful i gotta say i LOVE this one. it's so sweet and tender at times (also freaky which thanks lol 👅) but crocodile is characterized SO well and the reader actually has a fun personality which i love, yet is enough of a blank slate to project onto which i also love. the way you address trauma and wounds also resonates with me so much, it's so so heartwarming to see that and honestly everyone needs someone to care for them in the way you write love 😭❤️ ur writing makes me SICK in the best ways i have to take small breaks and delegate with myself to go over the complexities of each paragraph it's TOO MUCH!!

you also mentioned in my comment on can't fix a broken heart (which i JUST saw bc ao3 didn't give me a notification 😇) that my comments make you feel like a real writer- im so very happy BUT i have one qualm; you ARE a real writer!!! how could you be my favorite writer/author if you aren't a real writer?? makes no sense... so take that! you write, so you're a writer! and you're my favorite one at that! don't downplay your own work- someone out there will always appreciate it, even if you yourself can't all the time (someone being me and so many others- i have no clue how to check tumblr followers since i downloaded the app specifically to follow you on it so if ur follower count isn't in the zillions ill riot)

i hope you're having a great day, week, month and year, thank you for EVERYTHING you do for us and write!! i have a question but im going to leave it in another ask with like... a 1-3 day buffer so i dont feel like im bombarding you haha. thank you so much for interacting with my fangirling over you and thank whoever out there made you a one piece fan (which feel free to tell me how id love to know) because you are the best writer in the fandom

I'm actually gonna cry (I did cry). This is so thoughtful, so kind, so sincere. You can send me as many heartwarming, nice, uplifting messages as you want. You can't see Tumblr followers, and I don't focus on it because of people like you. It doesn't matter to me how many people follow me when there are wonderful people like you who encourage and inspire me. I do have a full time job and other responsibilities but this is my escape and hobby. Thank you so so much Celine. You really don't know how much you impact my heart <3.

Funny enough, you can thank Sanji for making me an OP fan. He really brought me into this whole world - I fell in love with the man and it's been nothing but brainrot ever since. Yandere / dubcon is one of my favorite things to read and write, but I do enjoy a softer fic here and there too. Feel free to send asks / requests! I can't promise they'll be good or timely, but I do think about all of them

Thank you, Celine. I had a hard day IRL and this really made me feel better.

[onlythebravest]

recently read: january 2023 🪐

I did say I was going to try and make a list of what I’ve read each month. First month done! I decided not to include rereads (which I do a lot), because then the list would never end.

If you decide to check any of these fics out, make sure to show the author some love. Leave kudos, a comment and, if possible, reblog (or retweet) the fic post! and a big thank you to all these amazing authors! thank you for sharing your writing with us!

Little Taste by @wabadabadaba​ (G, 1.2k, domestic fluff, age regression) A morning with little Harry and caregiver Louis.

I loved As It Was and was so happy to see that the strawbaby universe had gotten another fic! I had missed those two.

yeah, he's a looker (but i really think it's guts that matter most) by @thedevilinmybrain (E, 40k, non-au, established, friendships) Five times Oli was asked to do something that was outside of his job description, and the one time he didn't have to be asked.

amazing characterization! Jennifer never fails with writing amazing characters, but this was just something else.

Can I Watch? by @larrysballetslippers (E, 4.9k, poly, established, smut, voyeurism) Harry never thought a horrible encounter would lead to some hot loving from his boyfriends.

Chicago by @hellolovers13 (G, 3.5k, exes to lovers, famous/non-famous) They hadn't seen each other in four years, why was Louis still writing songs about Harry?

London by @hellolovers13 (M, 2k, fluff, established, famous/non-famous) A lazy morning in bed. Finally home.

Bless You! by @neondiamond (G, 2k, kid, established, fluff) Harry and Louis’ young daughter, Ava, really enjoys when Harry says ‘bless you’ after she sneezes.

you can always expect amazing fluff from Jess, so you know you’re gonna leave the fic with a warm feeling in your chest

Tender Hearted by @polaroidlouis (E, 3.3k, established, mpreg, smut, service top L) It hadn’t taken long then for Harry to clue in the fact that Louis was enthralled with his newly bloomed breasts.

Just To See That Smile by @homosociallyyours (NR, 6.7k, uni au, fake relationship, pining) A fic where a hastily faked relationship and a lot of miscommunication almost ruins a perfectly good dance.

One for the Books by @neondiamond (M, 25k, advent fic, strangers, winter, fluff) Or the one where there’s a bookshop, a cat, OT5 friendship, a budding romance, and all the festive vibes.

Hike Up Your Skirt (And Show Your World To Me) by @twopoppies (E, 17k, CEO/employee, dom/sub, smut) Louis has a very hands on approach to training his new secretary. How else can he make sure Harry realizes his full potential?

I really enjoyed reading a character that isn’t really a good character and now I want more of these morally gray characters.

It's Thursday. Let's Get (un)Dressed. by @bananaheathen (E, 9k, genderfluid H, pining) When Louis is peer-pressured into downloading TikTok over the holidays, he fully expects to hate it. And he does hate it. All of it. Well... except for aspiring OOTD influencer, @ harrystyles.

edible stars by @forthetherapyy (E, 10k, uni, friends with benefits, dom/sub) They take a test and the results change things for Harry and Louis.

Fellowship of Eroda by @sadaveniren (E, 5.3k, enemies to lovers, dom/sub) aka Louis may have had a four night stand with Harry and now he's stuck in a DND campaign with him.

Fun Time Candles by @sadaveniren (T, 1k, kid fic) Harry makes candles shaped like dicks. Harry also has a five year old learning to read. These two things should never interact.

The animals play by @sadaveniren (M, 1.2k, kid fic, dom/sub) Harry and Louis play a game of cat and mouse.

I love this parenting while actively in the bdsm community series! all of them are amazing

Counterculture by @sadaveniren (E, 6k, a/b/o, pack dynamics, scenting) It all culminated to this: Harry in the middle of a crowded basement, music blasting from the live show on the far side, shirtless amongst alphas and omegas who all weren’t covering their scents. He took a deep breath of the heavy air and he felt alive.

(yes, I had a little sadaveniren marathon and I’m not sorry)

A Bright and Blazing Flame by @greenfeelings (E, 23k, a/b/o, established, famous/famous, all the good omegaverse stuff) Bonded, engaged, and moved in together — there’s nothing to daunt Louis and Harry’s happiness. Until the past catches up to them and everything comes crashing down when they least expect it.

I have so much good to say about this series and not enough words to express myself. it’s got everything you can want from an a/b/o fic, and more

Late for Flying Practice by @jaerie​ (E, 2.5k, elf/reindeer, smut) Louis is a hybrid reindeer gearing up for his first year as navigator for Santa. Harry is one of Santa's elves in the middle of his 99th season as head cookie designer. They've been having an affair for years. This time it doesn't exactly go well. Or does it?

Secrets, Santa? by @indiaalphawhiskey (E, 19k, boss/employee, christmas themed, awkward H, dirty talk) Right, okay, so Harry had confessed his deepest, darkest, dirtiest secrets to a stranger who turned out to be his boss. No big deal. This was probably just the beginning of Harry’s own hilariously heartwarming, wildly romantic Hallmark Christmas movie, come to life, right?… Right?

this was hilarious and found myself having to stop myself from laughing while reading it

Wanna play you like a game, boy (what's the thrill of the same toy?) by @thebreadvansstuff (E, 10k, boss/employee, dom/sub, humiliation) Louis is Harry's boss, and Harry has a humiliation kink.

He's Got the Money, Baby Honey by @larry-hiatus (E. 10k, dom/sub, financial domination) Finsub Harry forgets his dom’s weekly gift. Louis makes him pay for the mistake with a shopping spree.

I loved reading about this kink and way of domination that was completely new to me

On the naughty list tonight by @lunarheslwt (E, 6k, established, dom/sub, Christmas) Harry has a little bad habit- he peeks at gifts early because he is too impatient to wait to open them. Louis is determined to catch him this time, and show him that actions have consequences.

enough to make a girl blush by @disgruntledkittenface (E, 22k, a/b/o, girl direction, childhood friends, self discovery) When Louis moves from her small hometown to the city, she runs into her childhood friend Niall. Despite her surprise at learning that Niall presented as an alpha, she’s immediately drawn to her. As their relationship progresses and Louis settles into life in the city, she learns that love, sex and identity aren’t always as simple as she’d been taught growing up. And she wouldn’t have it any other way.

I loved learning about girl alphas in this! I know I’ve said it every time I talk about this fic, but I can’t help it. it was so fun learning about it

Unholy by @wicked-archer​ (E, 11k, religios kink, priest/demon, smut) When Harry Styles started acting different after his 26th birthday, Father Louis Tomlinson is the only one that may be able to save his soul. He has successfully performed exorcisms before. This should be easy. Until it isn't. Harry is more than he seems. The battle of wills test every bit of faith Louis has. And Harry? Well, he's just getting started.

positive feedback by @sun-lt (T, 4k, a/b/o, established, nesting) Louis pretends he isn’t insecure about his nest, Harry pretends he isn’t inconveniently horny, and they both see right through each other.

you know you’re gonna have a great time when you’ve get a notification about a new Essie fic, and this one was no different!

Control by @zourry-a (E, 1.7k, smut, public sex) "M'gonna finger you," he said softly. "Right here in front of everyone, like you want. Do you want it, Louis?"

I Built This Bed For Two (I Built This Bed For Me and You) by @yafookinlousah (E, 8.9k, exes to lovers, cuddling) Harry and Louis broke up after uni and haven't seen each other since—until they're roped into doing a Buzzfeed video together. Featuring awkward cuddling and a reunion that just needed a kick in the arse, gleefully provided by Niall.

One Touch Is Never Enough by @kingsofeverything​ (E, 3.8k, werewolves, funny) It’s been a rough year for Louis. First, he was turned into a werewolf, which hasn't been so bad, except that he didn't anticipate how it would affect his love life. Maybe it’d be easier to ignore if he wasn’t constantly bombarded by the sound of his two werewolf best friends getting it on in the next room. At least they were nice enough to give him a gift certificate for a massage.

I'm Sure It Happens To All Alphas by @jaerie​ (E, 3.7k, a/b/o, awkward sex) Louis has trouble popping a knot.

I said a little while ago that there aren’t enough fics where the sex isn’t perfect, and then I stumble upon this. I was so happy!

pink like the paradise found by @disgruntledkittenface​ (M, 18k, girl direction, uni, bartender L, coming out) Harry's friends take her out to the local lesbian bar to celebrate after she comes out. They joke about getting her laid, but the way the hot bartender is looking at her makes her think it might actually happen.

[finelinevogue]

Can you write something about when Harry and Y/N broke up but fans speculate that they got back together and they did get back together. They broke over something stupid, please. You don’t have to do this exactly it can be something like that.

let’s see how this turns out! hope it’s what you wished for?!

The last few months had been rough.

What had started as rumours of a breakup between everyones favourite couple, you and Harry, had turned into an actual breakup.

It had started by Harry spending more time with Olivia, due to press for Don’t Worry Darling. They were always hanging out with each other, even when there was no publicity stunt telling them to. You found it appropriate at first, wanting the movie to gain some form of reputation, but after a while you believed it turned South. It was becoming a definite friendship and not just because they had to. It was the way that Harry would bring Olivia over for dinner without checking with you first, or taking the dog for a walk with her not you, or even staying longer out on stunts than they needed to just because they wanted to.

So you challenged Harry on it. Hell, even the tabloids were challenging you both - claiming Harry had split from you for Olivia. You made him question whether he thought his actions were irresponsible and appropriate or not, to which he thought there was nothing wrong and thought you were being irrational. You didn’t speak to him for the rest of the day, only to find him later on the phone speaking to Olivia about how crazy you’d been acting about it all. So you showed him crazy and walked out.

Until today.

For over a half a year your sister had her wedding planned and Harry was supposed to be your guest. You were nervous about turning up without him, because your family were very judgy. Your sister couldnt help being the smarter and the prettier one, but she also didn’t have to parade it around so everyone knew of it. Your mum and dad thought you a disappointment for the longest time, but once you’d gotten a job and had moved out they were a bit more loving over you. Still didn’t hide the fact they desperately hoped for you to have a relationship. It wasn’t that you were bringing Harry along to prove that someone loved you, but more to prove that they would never fully be satisfied whether you had a boyfriend or not. There would always be a podium stand slightly lower for you to stand on.

However, they didn’t know about the breakup.

“Y/N, nice to see you. Where’s Harry?” Another guest asked you, relatives of your mum. It was the same question over and over again, no one really caring about how you are but instead whether you’re in a positive relationship.

“Oh um I think he’s just running a bit late.” Was your chosen answer to respond to said question. It was repetitive, but it kept people off your back.

The wedding was completely beautiful. It was in a beautiful church and was decorated to perfection. The theme was white and royal blue, something your sister had always dreamed of. Children played amongst the pews and family relatives mumbled to each other about gossip. There was still a heavy sadness to the event. Maybe it was because your sister hadn’t asked you to be a bridesmaid - instead, choosing her best friends instead - or maybe it was because you missed Harry so much.

He’d fucked up. He really had, but it didn’t take away that burning passion for him that spread like a wildfire in your belly. You missed him. You still loved him. Worst of all, you had to pretend everything was all alright in front of your family when actually you were breaking apart inside.

Harry hadn’t messaged saying that he was or wasn’t coming, but after everything that had happened you were confident he was going to be a no show, and you would be the embarrassment of the family once again. Your relationship had been very private and exclusive, but Harry’s fans were so investigative you wouldn’t be surprised if they knew that you’d broken up and were aware that you were at a wedding today without him. Neither of you had made a public statement about your breakup, but neither of your wanted to damage each other even more. Fans suspected though and rumours travel fast.

“Y/N how are you doing? How’s Harry?” Another aunt came and asked you, this time with your mother in tow.

“Oh he’s great, yes.” You smiled forcefully, not actually having a clue how your ex-boyfriend was doing. You didn’t keep up with his social media because you were afraid of what you might find.

“Where is he? Is he here?” Your aunt asked.

“He’s late, apparently.” Your mother answered for you, sneeringly. “You’ll be made a fool of if he’s a no show Y/N.”

“I know.”

“I hope everything goes well for you both.” Your aunt kindly said, before waiting for your mum to say something nice too. That was a mistake though.

“Well it’s unlikely she’ll find someone again!” Your mother laughed and pulled your aunt away from you. You furrowed your eyebrows and let your heart sink low.

What were you thinking, letting Harry go like that? Your mum was right, you were never going to find anyone else again. You were so lucky with Harry. He was so kind and so patient with you, but obviously he’d run out of steam towards the end. It doesn’t surprise you. You’ve always been told you’re a mighty handful and you need a lot of work put into looking after you, so you understand why you were probably too much for Harry. The showbiz life had never really been something you’d completely submerged yourself into, whereas you guess for Olivia it was rooted in her from birth. She understood Harry’s world the same way he did hers. They would match perfectly for each other, if that’s what they wanted.

You watched the room continue as usual, but you couldn’t keep yourself here. There was too much sadness welling deep within you that you wanted to just run and then keep running. So you did, only to get as far as the bench in the front courtyard. The outside felt calmer and more freeing than inside, you sat and absorbed it for a while, not realising that you were crying until your pretty multicoloured dress had grown darker with a pool of your tears.

“Shit.” You tried rubbing the tears out, but only made you cry a little harder. You thought about your makeup running and tried to compose yourself, fanning your face to calm it down from the heat now.

“And here I was thinking weddings were supposed to be happy.”

You stopped fanning your face to look at him. You couldn’t believe he was standing there, dressed in a beautiful white suit and salmon pink shirt underneath to compliment the colours of your dress - the outfit that you’d helped him pick out over a year ago. He’d remembered. He trusted that you’d still be wearing this dress. He was a sight alright. A vision of beauty and love.

“Harry?” You questioned, wiping your under eyes to clear away any running mascara, not quite believing he was standing there.

“So what was it? Bad music playing? No vodka? Or maybe there’s nowhere for you to escape to go read the book I know you have stuffed away in your clutch bag.” He stood at a distance from you, hands in his trouser pockets, to make sure you were comfortable.

“I brought vodka instead of the book.” You chuckled, reaching into your clutch to prove it to him.

“Lucky for you, i’ve come to save the day.” Harry reached to the inside of his blazer pocket and pulled out a Kindle. You’d always been debating whether or not to buy one, because the feeling of having a book to turn its’ physical pages is a feeling second to none. “Take it, it’s yours.”

Harry handed it out to you and you stood up to reach for it hesitantly. Harry assured you that it was okay and that you’d been reading too many books if you thought it was a trap of some sort.

“Thank you, Harry.” You spoke sincerely. You stroked your thumb over the cover and turned the case lid over to start up the screen. The screen lit up and it was set to a picture of your favourite quote, annotated just as you would have in your own book. You chuckled and let a few tears drop from the kindness of all of this.

“And then…” Harry unlocked the Kindle with your birthday as the password, before clicking on the library so you could discover what was waiting for you on your virtual shelves. Harry had downloaded all your most favourite books, whilst also downloading the ones he knew had been on your to-be-read list. He’d even added a few of his favourite books too, just because you liked reading his recommendations.

You smiled, but felt so lost.

“W-why are you here, H?” You asked, closing the lid and bravely looking up into his enchanting eyes. You had to control yourself not to comment on how wondrous they looked.

“To save the day.” He chuckled in repeat, until he knew you weren’t taking that for an answer. “Because I fucked up. Big league time.”

“Yeah.” You whispered, looking down at your shoes to see that they weren’t that far apart at all. He was so close to you, yet he wasn’t yours to catch.

“And i’ll never forgive myself for letting you walk out of that door. The promotion shit with Olivia? Done. I’ve finished. I explained that the movie isn’t as important to me as you. You,” Harry paused to breathe out, and took the risk of guiding your jaw up to meet your gaze with his soft hand, “you are real Y/N. You’re so important and key to my life and it bloody terrified me, still does actually, to think that you make me feel this way. I want everything with you. Marriage, kids, a home. A life. I was so worried I would screw it all up, though, to the point where I did screw it all up. I lost you and so I lost me. It’s selfish of me to ask whether any part of your heart still wants me, but—”

“Yes.” You quickly interjected before he could say something he’d later regret. “There is, yes.”

“R-really?” He stumbled over his response, not expecting you to react so soon but his words had got to you. His feelings were vulnerable and raw and it reminded you of how much you love him and feel safe with him.

“Why? Would you like me to say different.” You teased.

“No,” Harry rushed, stepping closer towards you, “God now. Stay, please. Forever, if you’ll have me?”

“I can deal with forever.” You leaned up to where his lips were, craving the taste of them against yours so badly. “Can I?” You looked between his lips and his eyes, watching his eyes coo in admiration of you. His arms snaked around your neck and cupped the back of your head, resting his ringed fingers against your skin delicately.

“You don’t have to ask, angel.” And with that you didn’t hesitate to reclaim your clips on his. He tasted as sweet and as soft as you could remember. The hint of mint sweets he kept in his car could be tasted all over his mouth, and he could no doubt taste the vodka on yours. He took no time in rushing to have his tongue exploring your mouth once mouth, biting on your lip when he got the chance to. He wanted you to remember this moment and how much love he has for you, and always will. Just as you do for him.

Hesitantly pulling away you smiled at him cheekily, feeling so much lighter and happier to have him here. With you in his arms so expertly.

“What?” He asked, leaving a quick kiss to your nose, inhaling his scent as he did.

“Just can’t believe you’re here.” You stroked his cheek with your thumb, and he leaned into your touch so comfortably. He had missed you so damn much, and it showed.

“Let you down once before and I wasn’t going to do it again.”

“So you’d have shown up even if I hadn’t?”

“Not happily, but yes.” He laughed thinking about it.

“Why?” You laughed with him.

“I’ve got to make my impression on your family somehow. Need to remind some of them how amazing and beautiful their special Y/N L/N is.”

“Some are going to need a lot more persuading than others.” You sighed, side-frowning over your words.

“No offence, but anyone who doesn’t treat you as a fucking diamond doesn’t deserve you and should watch out for kick up their backside from me.” You laughed over his empty threat and buried your head against his chest, listening to the heartbeat and rumble of laughter that came from within. This moment alone felt like home. Safe and warm.

“I love you, H.”

“Bloody love you too.”

Harry ended up returning to the wedding with you, much to your mothers surprise, and you both enjoyed the celebrations together. You shut yourselves out from everybody and just danced, talked and drank the night away.

You were so in love.

Later, photos got leaked of the wedding and it showed you and Harry dancing away in one of the backgrounds of the photos. It was supposed to be a shot of just the bride and groom, but you two have managed to get caught in it. You looked so caught up in each other that you still weren’t even aware the photo had been taken. You and Harry had determinedly avoided the camera all night, exactly for this reason, but a part of you was kind of happy that this one photo got leaked, because it showed the world that Harry was yours and you were his. It showed that you were together, or back-together as addressed by some FBI fans, and that you were stronger for it.

[iffeelscouldkill]

TSCOSI Week Day 3: Sana / Leadership

A/N: ssshhhhhhh yes I know it’s late but ssssshhhhh let’s just pretend I’m posting this 5/6 days ago

Here, finally, is my fic for Day 3 of TSCOSI Week, on the theme of Sana / Leadership! This takes place in an ambiguous point in Late Season 2. It does not have any bearing on the episode that was released today, which I haven’t even listened to yet, because I was busy trying to finish off this fic 😂😭 Energy and motivation have not been on my side lately. But here we are!

I had two ideas I could have gone with for this day’s prompt, and of course I chose the one I knew would lead to a longer fic, but it was worth it. This type of TSCOSI fic is my favourite to write - pure Rumor/Iris crew fluff and shenanigans. So enjoy!

---

The first clue Sana had that something was amiss was when she woke up.

Rather than waking to the vibration of her comm against her ear (yes, her comm had an alarm function and yes, she slept with it in in case of emergencies. She would not be taking questions at this time), she came to naturally, which she hadn’t done in months. Sana smiled to herself, stretching – and then froze.

She never woke up naturally, and the few times that she did wake during the night she didn’t feel this pleasantly well-rested. What time was it?

“Computer?” Sana spoke aloud to ELLA. “Current on-ship time?”

“The current on-ship time – is – nine – forty-three AM,” ELLA’s voice intoned. Sana sat bolt upright in her bed.

That wasn’t right. There was no way she’d slept through her alarm, and she had it set to recur at the same time every morning. Which meant…

“Sana Tripathi to all crew,” Sana said, opening up a comm line to all of her crewmates’ devices. “Hey, guys. Would someone mind telling me why my alarm didn’t go off this morning?”

“It didn’t go off because I deprogrammed it when I poured you into bed last night at some ungodly hour,” came the reply in Arkady’s deadpan tones, and Sana cringed slightly, regretting opening up a line to the whole crew. “Also, I’ve said this before, but sleeping with your comm in your ear? Pretty unhealthy, and that’s coming from me.”

“Thank you for that feedback, Arkady,” said Sana, with all the dry sarcasm she could muster.

“Prolonged comm usage, even when the comm is idle, has also been known to lead to hearing damage in a small percentage of cases,” put in RJ, and Sana’s eyebrows rose. “Something to do with a low level of uh, high-frequency feedback? So as a best practice, you should really take it out before bed.”

“RJ, are you lecturing me right now?” Sana asked, halfway between deeply amused and indignant.

“Uhhhh- n-no Ma’am! I mean, uh- no, Captain.”

“They’re right, you know,” Violet put in next. “I mean, it really is a small percentage of cases, but as your medic I have to advise you not to leave your comm device in for prolonged periods. Also, that sounds – uncomfortable? For sleeping?”

Sana sighed, resigning herself to being ganged up on by her entire crew. “Duly noted, Violet. Getting back to the subject at hand-”

“Wow, human ears are so fragile!” This, of course, was Krejjh. “They can really be damaged by comm feedback?”

“For a prolonged enough period-” RJ began to explain.

“We don’t all have your ‘superior alien senses’, dude,” put in Brian, laughing. Sana put a hand to her head.

“Guys-”

“I deprogrammed your alarm because you need a break, Captain,” Arkady cut in, almost gently. “Don’t think we didn’t notice that you’ve been pulling extra shifts so that the rest of us could take breaks, while not taking any yourself.”

“The human body is at its best when given time to rest and recover,” Violet added, also gently. “And you’re human too, Captain.”

Sana could feel her face flaming, but she was also extremely touched by the concern the crew were showing her – even though they’d apparently ganged up on her in the process.

“All right, I can admit that the lie-in was appreciated,” she said. “Thank you for the thought, everyone. Krejjh, I’m coming to relieve you in-”

“Oh, no need, Cap’n,” Krejjh interrupted cheerfully. “Crewman Park is taking your shift! He’s relieving me in ten minutes, and then Crewman Jeeter and I are going to play cards.”

“That’s really not necessary,” Sana said, beginning to feel slightly alarmed. “Park, I’m coming up to the cockpit in-”

“Sorry, Captain, but I think you’ve been outnumbered,” Park said, as mildly as ever. “Also, Krejjh promised me fruit jerky in exchange for taking the next shift, and I’m not about to give that up.”

Sana stared at the wall, running a hand over her face. “Park, you hate fruit jerky.”

“This is special fruit jerky,” Park replied, deadly serious. “The really good kind. Enjoy your time off.”

“There must be something I can do,” said Sana, realising she sounded slightly desperate.

“Uh, you can join me and Krejjh for a game of cards in ten minutes?” Brian suggested.

“Or you can relax, Captain,” Violet said, still in that gently amused tone. “It’s for one day. We promise you’ll be back to keeping us all in line tomorrow.”

The whole day?! Sana exclaimed internally. And okay, maybe the way that she balked at the idea of a day of enforced rest said something about the habits she’d fallen into.

She could at least give it a try. The crew had obviously put some thought into this – and it didn’t seem like they were backing down any time soon.

“Maybe I could use a breather,” she admitted aloud, and pretended not to hear someone’s sigh of relief over the comms. “But if any of you need anything…”

“We’ll let you know, Captain,” Arkady promised her, sounding not in the slightest bit sincere. Sana sighed.

“Okay. Sana Tripathi out.”

Or maybe by the afternoon her crewmates would let up, and she could go back to doing something useful.

---

Sana spent the next ten minutes or so trying and failing to relax with an audiobook, one of a handful she’d downloaded off the public net for sleepless nights. It just felt wrong to be lying on her bed doing nothing during the day. Normally she cherished her moments of downtime when she could get them (and okay, they’d been few and far between lately), but this felt… too much. Surely she should be somewhere else, maybe off discussing their next destination with Krejjh after they managed to resupply on Hathor, going over the new truck with Arkady to check it was outfitted to their needs, or maybe putting her head together with Park and RJ to get their analysis of the latest information about Regime movements.

And sure, they didn’t have any immediate jobs for Boss Violet that needed doing, and it was far enough to Hathor that planning their next destination could probably wait a day or two. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t needed. Even when Sana was off-shift, she tended to linger around the crew areas, just keeping an eye out; watching for signs of exhaustion among her crewmates, making sure they weren’t hiding injuries or strain. Injecting a cheery comment here or a calming word there, to keep people’s spirits up.

She was the Captain, and it was her job to look out for her crew. It had been a tough past few weeks, and Sana didn’t want to take this current peace for granted.

Sighing, Sana shut off the audiobook recording and went to the mess hall. Krejjh and Brian were sat at one of the tables, playing a rousing game of something that Krejjh dubbed ‘Reverse Snap’, where the object was to call out when you turned over two cards that were ‘spiritual opposites’. Unsurprisingly, Krejjh had been the one to devise the system of ‘spiritual opposites’, and was therefore given the power to decide whether a play was valid or not, a power that they abused liberally. Brian never seemed to mind; Sana suspected the enjoyment for him was in watching his fiancé get caught up in the game, and laughing at their ridiculous justifications for why they should be allowed to win each round.

Sana declined to get involved in the action herself, but it was a nice change of pace to just sit and spend time with two of her crewmates, without any other purpose beyond having fun. It was true that she didn’t get to do this often enough.

Unfortunately, the game came to a halt after Krejjh lost three consecutive rounds and poutingly declared that Brian must be cheating, even though he’d been faithfully citing their own rules each time he won a hand. “This is boring. Let’s go snuggle in our room and listen to RIFT!” they said.

Brian just smiled and gathered up the cards. “Okay,” he agreed easily. “How’re you feeling, Captain? More relaxed?”

Sana smiled wryly. “I do take downtime, you know. Despite what everyone seems to think.”

“Captain, you sleep with your comm in your ear,” Brian pointed out, mild and easy-going, but unerringly right, as always.

“I wish everyone would stop fixating on that,” Sana grumbled. Brian laughed.

“Look, this whole ‘enforced day off’ thing wasn’t my idea, but I am on board with the concept,” he said. Sana thought about asking him whose idea it had been, but she supposed it didn’t matter. “You deserve to have a break from looking after us all the time, you know? It was the least we could give you.”

Sana sat back in her chair, a little taken aback. She hadn’t been thinking about it in that way – that this was a joint effort by the crew to do something nice for her, to gift her with a day to herself. She’d been so caught up in chafing at the enforced idleness. But they’d all obviously pitched in on this, making sure that her shifts were covered and that everything was taken care of.

“Honestly, being Captain of this crew? It’s no hardship,” she told Brian – and Krejjh, who was hovering by the table – honestly. “But… thank you. It’s an incredibly sweet thought, and I do appreciate it.”

Brian smiled again. “It’s really nothing,” he told her. “See you later, Captain.”

Krejjh gave her a parting salute. “Enjoy your morning, Cap’n Tripathi!” they chirped, and then bounded after Brian.

Which left Sana with some food for thought, but still nothing to do. The mess, for now, was deserted, everyone evidently occupied with their own work or rest. Should she go back to her room, or try to find something to do around the ship? She wondered whether fixing things up and doing handiwork around the ship would be classed as ‘working’ in the eyes of the crew. Sadly, it probably would.

Resigned to giving her audiobook another try, Sana got up from the table and made her way along the corridor to her room. Passing by the medbay, she noticed that the light by the door was green, which meant that it was open, and she could movement from inside. She knocked, wondering if Violet would want a hand – or some company.

“Come in,” Violet called, and Sana pressed the button to open the door and stepped inside. Violet was inside, surrounded by rows and groups of orderly supplies - evidently doing that full inventory she’d been planning. She didn’t look surprised to see Sana.

“Can I… help with anything?” Sana asked. Violet gave her a wry smile.

“I don’t have a dictionary on me, but I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t come under the definition of “relaxation”,” she teased. Sana put her hands up.

“All right, granted. I can just keep you company for a while, then? Unless you prefer to work in silence.”

“Company is welcomed, Captain,” Violet told her. “And actually, there is something I could use a hand with.”

Sana was about to ask what it was, when she followed Violet’s gaze up to a high shelf full of supplies that she’d evidently been unable to clear. “Oh! Sure, I can help with that,” she said, trying not to seem too outwardly pleased at the opportunity to do something. Judging by Violet’s expression, she probably hadn’t succeeded. “Do you want them all down?”

“Yes, please, Captain.”

Sana got to work lifting boxes of what appeared to be empty syringes and some basic first aid supplies – bandages, gauze, cooling packs – down off the shelf and handing them to Violet, who made a noise of satisfaction when she saw what they contained. “So, how’s the overall situation with our med supplies?” Sana asked her. “Anything we need to restock?”

Violet gave her a sidelong glance, and Sana huffed. “If you want me to just turn off the part of my brain that’s concerned about the well-being of this ship, I’ve got some bad news for you.”

Violet laughed a little. “Okay, fair. We’re pretty well-off for med supplies, though I’d like it if we could get some more heptocaldrin – for injuries, not as a… stealth weapon.”

“Can’t it be both?” Sana joked. “I’ll put some feelers out with contacts who have connections with medical suppliers, see if we can get hold of some. – After today,” she added hastily at Violet’s raised eyebrow.

“Thank you,” Violet said, smiling serenely. “Are you planning to stay and watch me sort these?”

“Well, since I have so much leisure time at my disposal today,” Sana said lightly. “Can I sit here?” She gestured to the recliner that sat in the corner, the spiritual successor to the much-loved beanbag chair.

For the first few minutes, neither of them said anything much. It was quite soothing watching Violet work, although Sana itched to actually get involved and help her. She couldn’t help taking note of the condition of the medical supplies as Violet sorted them and made notes on her checklist, thinking about where they could find better-quality suppliers.

“Can I ask you something, Captain?” Violet said. Sana felt almost like she’d been caught out, though Violet’s tone was casual, almost idle; she hadn’t looked up from her work, still methodically sorting supplies.

“Of course,” Sana said.

“You’re always making sure that the six of us clock off and get enough rest. Why don’t you ever do the same for yourself?”

In hindsight, Sana should have known this question was coming. Before today, she likely would have given it a chipper, joking answer (like she did when Violet asked her, a few weeks after their flight from New Jupiter, how long she had been on shift), but now she made herself give the question some proper consideration.

“It’s different when you’re the one in charge,” she said after a little while. “If something goes wrong, if there’s an eventuality that I’ve overlooked, that’s on me. And given our current – status – the consequences of that could be much worse than me going without a break, or a couple hours of sleep.”

Violet gave her a sad smile. “But those are important things. I know it’s easy for me to say, when I don’t have to feel the weight of that responsibility – I couldn’t do what you do. But you’re at your best when you’re well-rested, too. What happens if you overlook something because you’re underslept and you haven’t had a break in days?”

“Well, that’s what I keep you all well-rested for,” Sana said lightly.

“Captain,” Violet said reprovingly.

“Violet,” Sana replied in the same tone. Jokingly, she said, “Are you going to start singing at me to take a break next?”

Violet blinked confusedly at her before the light of understanding dawned in her eyes. “Was that a ‘Hamilton’ reference?”

“You spend enough time with Arkady, you find yourself making opera and musical theatre references without even knowing it,” Sana replied. “You’ll need to watch out for that.”

“I’ll be on my guard,” Violet said. And then, more seriously, “But if it turned out to be a reliable method, then yes, I would sing at you.”

Sana couldn’t help laughing. “Well, luckily, there’s no need. Here I am, taking a break.”

“Uh huh,” was all Violet said, giving her an appropriately sceptical look.

“I am!”

“And if I asked you for your opinion on the overall quality of our med supplies, I’m sure you wouldn’t have any thoughts at all,” Violet said pointedly.

“Well, you can ask,” Sana replied. “But I’d have to tell you that the Captain will get back to you about that tomorrow, when she’s back on the clock.”

“Oh, good to know.”

 ---

Spending time with Violet in the medbay took up another hour, but before long Sana found herself back in her room and at a loose end again. And okay, maybe she was going about this wrong; she shouldn’t just be looking for ways to kill time all day. Plus, spending time with the crew was nice, but they were all busy with their own jobs, so that didn’t really equate to relaxation. There had to be something she could do by herself – other than listening to that audiobook.

On the Rumor, Sana had spent a lot of her downtime in her room working on sewing or embroidery projects. But lately, she hadn’t really had a project that she could – wait.

Sana sat up straighter on her bed, thinking. When they’d been putting together the ‘shopping list’ of supplies for Hypatia, she’d joked about adding a hammock to the list. She hadn’t seriously gone looking for one, but when she’d been checking out some of the hardware stores near where they made landing, looking for parts for the engine and the ship’s various systems, she’d discovered that they also sold swathes of fabric, rope, and – crucially – wooden poles.

Sana got up and went to the little closet built into the wall of her room. At the back, right where she’d left it, was a bundle of poles and rope with brightly-coloured fabric wrapped around it. Sana pulled out the bundle, breaking into a grin. She hadn’t really expected to find enough time to work on this when she’d bought the materials, though she’d vaguely intended to do a bit here and there. But now was the perfect time to try and put it together.

Sana unrolled the bundle on her floor and got to work.

---

“Incoming call from… Ignatius Campbell. Incoming call from… Ignatius Campbell. Incoming…”

Sana was in the middle of sewing the wooden poles into either end of her hammock fabric when the call came through to her comm link. “Computer, accept call. Campbell, hi!”

“Captain Tripathi!” Campbell’s voice boomed cheerily. “Is this a bad time?”

“It’s a pretty good time, actually,” Sana said as she worked the needle in and out of the fabric. “I’ve got the day off today, so I’m just doing some sewing in my room.”

There was a fractional pause on Campbell’s end. “The day off, huh?” he said. “How’s that going? Not too bored, I hope?”

Sana smiled to herself as she tied a knot in the sewing thread to secure it and then bit off the thread. She had scissors, but they were buried somewhere in the heap of fabric and she couldn’t be bothered to root around for them. “It was a bit slow to start off with, but I’m getting into it now.”

“Gotta say, I can’t believe they actually managed to persuade you to take a whole day out of your schedule to relax,” Campbell said. “The last time I called, you hadn’t slept in – was it thirty-six hours?”

“Thirty-two,” Sana said quietly, to herself.

“-And you were on your sixth cup of coffee – do you even remember that call?”

Sana sighed, part amusement and part resignation. “Yes, I do remember. Sorry for-”

“No, no, it’s fine, I was just – well, it was a bit worrying,” Campbell said. “Anyway, glad you’re taking a break. You sound… better.”

Who knew that everyone had apparently been so concerned for her wellbeing? Sana thought. Then her hand stilled in the middle of threading her needle. Maybe she should have realised how concerning it was to everyone. But she hadn’t thought – well, she guessed she hadn’t noticed that everyone was looking out for her just as much as she’d been trying to look out for them.

She cleared her throat a little. “Well, what can I do for you, Campbell?”

“Oh, nothing in particular,” Campbell replied. “Just wanted to call to catch up, really. Trade some gossip, funny stories about the crew… It’s been a while since you were able to stop by.”

Sana smiled ruefully, and then a thought occurred to her. “So, you just so happened to call to catch up on the one day when I don’t have anything going on? That’s good timing.”

“Uh—” Campbell’s cornered response was immediately telling. “I might’ve heard that – today would be a good time to call—”

Sana huffed in amusement again, rolling the fabric over the pole at the other end of her hammock and lining up the ends of the material. “Be honest, Campbell. Did the crew ask you to check up on me?”

“I called the ship’s comms last night, and Arkady picked up,” Campbell admitted. “I really was calling just to see how you all were, and well, she filled me in on how things had been lately. How they were all planning to cover your shifts and chores today to give you a break. She said that you might be at a loose end, so I offered to call you back around this time. I would’ve called earlier, but Eloise asked me to watch the boys in the morning.”

“How are they?” Sana asked, smiling.

“Oh, as full of energy as ever, I can barely keep up with them,” Campbell said, a smile in his own voice. “Look, I’m sorry if I overstepped-”

“No, it’s – fine, Campbell. Really,” Sana assured him. “I’m touched at how everyone’s been…” She searched for the right phrasing. “I’m touched at how much thought went into this. It really means a lot.”

“What you do means a lot,” Campbell responded, sincere. “To the whole crew. And to… me.”

Sana’s face warmed, and she realised she’d been sitting there, holding the fabric together without doing anything for the past several minutes. She picked up her needle and began on the same neat row of stitches that she’d made at the opposite end. “Thank you, Campbell.”

“It’s nothing, really,” Campbell replied gruffly, and then cleared his throat. “So – any good stories to share?”

“I’ll make you a trade,” Sana offered. “One story about the crew, for every story about your nephews.”

“Oof. You drive a hard bargain, Captain Tripathi, but I accept.”

Sana laughed. “Okay. Well. You might remember how Arkady has an unfortunate habit of leaving some of her weapons holsters in odd places around the ship…”

---

A few hours later, the new hammock – strung up in a corner of the mess where Sana had mounted some sturdy hooks on two adjacent walls – was almost ready. All it needed was a test subject; Sana could of course get in and test it herself, but it would be ideal if she could observe someone else getting into the hammock, so that she could judge how things looked from the outside.

Oddly, the mess hall was deserted, and had been for the past while, which was strange; she would have expected to find at least one or two members of the crew spending time in here. Just then, she spotted RJ, who had entered on the far side of the room and frozen.

“RJ!” she said happily. “You’re the perfect person to test out my new hammock.”

“Uh-” RJ looked around, as if hoping to be rescued by someone, before reluctantly walking over. “You’ve been making a… hammock?”

Sana gestured towards her creation with a flourish. “What do you think?”

RJ’s eyes narrowed as they inspected her handiwork, pulling lightly on the ropes that suspended the hammock. “Is it structurally sound?” they asked doubtfully.

“Why don’t you get in and test it for yourself?” Sana invited them. “Don’t worry about the hooks – they’re the same kind that you find on industrial pulleys. They’ll hold.”

RJ’s eyes flicked towards the doorway. “I’m not really sure if I should be-”

“Oh c’mon, you can take three minutes out of your shift, can’t you?” Sana cajoled them. “Just blame it on me waylaying you.”

RJ laughed a little. “Well – I guess if it’ll only take a minute…” Gingerly, they hoisted themself up onto the hammock, legs dangling over the side, before swivelling round and reclining more fully in the hammock. “Wow, this is actually – really comfortable.”

“Isn’t it? Hammocks are the best,” Sana enthused. “Is the amount of rocking okay?”

“Yeah, it seems fine. It’s not making me seasick, at least,” RJ joked. “You’ve done a pretty good job with the placement of-”

“RJ, there you are,” Park’s voice came from the other side of the mess. “Did you- oh, hi, Captain.”

“Hey, Park,” Sana said easily as Park approached, eyeing the hammock with curiosity. In the hammock, RJ sat back up, a guilty expression on their face. “RJ was being good enough to help me test out this hammock I’ve been making.”

“So I can see,” Park said, neutrally. “Seems like a good use of your time off.”

Sana raised an eyebrow at him, unsure whether the comment was sincere or impeccable sarcasm, but deciding to interpret it as sincere. “Thank you,” she said. “Want to test it out? It would be good to get data from someone taller.”

“I’d love to help, but I really need to borrow RJ,” Park said apologetically. “Sorry, Captain. Maybe after dinner?”

“Of course,” Sana said, as RJ quickly got out of the hammock. She watched Park take their arm and almost steer them away, the two of them conversing in hushed whispers once they were far enough away that they evidently thought she wouldn’t overhear.

Something odd was going on. Sana glanced at the hammock, and then back at the doorway that Park and RJ had just left through. Maybe she should leave it alone – after all, she was off the clock, and she didn’t have to know about everything that was going on on the ship.

Even though Park and RJ were behaving really strangely.

After a few seconds, Sana’s curiosity got the better of her, and she quietly followed.

“Well, I can’t go back through now,” RJ was saying to Park in slightly annoyed tones, as they walked down the corridor. “The Captain will definitely know something’s up. Anyway, I don’t remember seeing a screwdriver in the kitchen.”

A screwdriver? Sana thought, baffled.

“Well, Arkady says there are none in the engine room, and there’s not many other places on the ship left to check,” Park said tiredly. “So, if you’d like to tell her that you weren’t able to look in the kitchen…”

RJ made a reluctant noise. “Fine, what if we-”

Sana, from her vantage point around the corner, saw the two pause in front of the door that led to the medbay. Park raised his hand and knocked on the door in a specific pattern – one long, and three short knocks. After a second, the same knock came back and the door opened.

“Bad news,” Park said as the two entered the medbay. “Sana was in the mess, so RJ wasn’t able to check the kitchen properly.”

Sana moved around the corner until the open door of the medbay was in view, where a baffling sight (and this was coming from someone who’d seen a lot of weird things in her time) greeted her. The medbay observation table had been dragged into the middle of the room, and an array of screwdrivers, knives, and for some reason, spoons cluttered the tabletop. Arkady, looking irritated, was standing on top of the table with a knife in her hand, trying to pry at the cover that enclosed the medbay’s ceiling lamp. Violet, Brian and Krejjh were grouped around the table, looking up at what Arkady was doing; Violet was holding a penknife and shining a small torch in Arkady’s direction, while Krejjh was holding a small hammer, a steel rule and a lightbulb. Brian just looked entertained.

“I think we should check the engine room again,” RJ said. Arkady rolled her eyes.

“I told you, McCabe, I – Captain!”

Instantly, every crew member in the room (except Park, who simply looked resigned) whipped guiltily around, trying in vain to hide what they were doing. Krejjh dropped the steel rule.

“Cap’n Tripathi!” they said cheerily. “You are just in time for our – uh – table performance art routine! We’ve been practicing specially for you!”

“Really?” Sana asked, amused. “Because it looks to me like you were all trying to change a lightbulb. Badly.”

“As it so happens, Act One of our performance-”

“Krejjh, give it a rest,” Arkady said, as Brian laughed behind his hand. “Captain, we’re fine, honestly. We found the replacement bulb, we just need to figure out how to get this damn cover off.”

“And how long have you spent trying to pry it off, so far?” Sana asked.

“It’s been about an hour and a half,” Violet admitted. Arkady’s shoulders slumped.

“I’m almost there, but I think I need a different screwdriver to-”

She stopped as Sana walked over to the table, and held out a hand for Arkady to pull her up. Climbing onto the table, with the help of a steadying hand from Park, Sana took a magnet out of her pocket (she had a lot of things in her pockets) and held it near the rim of the ceiling lamp cover. A tiny screw flew out and clung onto the magnet. Sana held the magnet to the other side of the cover, attracting another screw, and then another, and another. Finally, she twisted the cover, and it popped off the ceiling.

“Lightbulb,” she said.

Krejjh handed her up the lightbulb, and Sana switched the working bulb out for the dead one, before easily replacing the cover and pushing the screws back into place. She dusted her hands and looked around at the crew.

“Well, that was fun. What’s Act Two?”

Violet smiled, and RJ looked impressed, while Brian shook his head. “I told you we should have just asked her.”

Sana looked back at Arkady, who was glowering at the knife she’d been holding like it had personally offended her.

“You could have asked me,” she agreed. “But I get that you were trying not to disturb me after you worked so hard to give me some time off. And, honestly, it’s been one of the best days I can remember for a while. So – thank you all. So much. I know that being the Captain doesn’t make me invincible. Or infallible. And as much as I want to look out for all of you, I need to remember to apply the same thought process to myself as well.” She caught Violet’s eye, and winked.

“In hindsight, it probably shouldn’t have taken a day of forced rest for me to see that, but I’m grateful that you were all willing to go to the trouble of arranging it so that I could. Even to the point of changing lightbulbs.” She smiled.

“And while you’ve all been working hard, I’ve rigged up a pretty awesome hammock in the mess hall, so it would frankly be a crime not to hold a movie night after dinner.”

Krejjh whooped, and Brian and RJ immediately struck up a fierce debate about whether they should watch a historical fantasy drama or a sci-fi epic. Park tiredly followed them out of the room, presumably to act as adult supervision.

“I’d better go make sure that they don’t forget about dinner,” Violet said, and went after them.

Arkady climbed down so that she was sitting on the edge of the table, and after making a space in the collection of cutlery and engineering tools, Sana joined her. For a few moments, neither of them said anything.

“I meant what I said just now,” Sana said, eventually. “I had a really good day, and… it meant a lot that everyone would go to the trouble of doing something like that for me. And of thinking it up and arranging it.”

“Violet did a lot of it,” Arkady said, a little too quickly. “And Park, especially with covering your shifts. And the comm thing was Krejjh’s idea.”

“Really?” asked Sana, amused. “And what about intercepting the call from Campbell that came in last night, making sure it didn’t disturb me, and then arranging for him to call back when you knew I might be going a bit stir-crazy?”

Arkady huffed. “He told you.”

“Of course he did,” Sana said. “Look, I’m sure it was a group effort, but… I couldn’t help thinking that the idea had to have come from someone who knew me pretty well. And maybe someone who’s been more worried about me lately than they wanted to admit.”

Arkady looked away, her shoulders raised in a defensive half-shrug. “I know you’re the Captain. I know you’ve got to look out for us, and – it’s not like I can really talk when it comes to putting in too many hours when I work on something. I don’t think there’s anyone in the crew who hasn’t done that at some point. But you’re always there to kick our asses into taking a break, and-”

“And someone needed to do that for me?” Sana finished for her, wryly.

Arkady looked back at her and snorted. “Pretty much. Thirty-two hours, Sana. With six cups of coffee.”

Sana winced. “In hindsight, that was probably the first red flag.”

“The first?”

“Okay, okay,” Sana said, laughing a little and holding up her hands. “You have my word that I will not let things get to that point again. And if they do, you have my full permission to-”

“-Kick your ass?”

“I was going to say, ‘put me in time-out in my own hammock’, but either works.”

“Speaking of which,” said Arkady, giving Sana a significant look. “Do I need to ask which part of the ship lost its emergency harnesses?”

Sana laughed. “This one is made from actual wood and fabric and rope. Turns out, I had a lot of time on my hands this afternoon…”

“And you used it to build another hammock.”

“It was that, or listen to a really dull audiobook,” Sana said. “I call it an investment in future relaxation! And future movie nights. Good for the whole crew.”

One half of Arkady’s mouth ticked up, and she looked almost wistful. “We haven’t had a movie night since we were on the Rumor.”

“I want to reinstate the tradition,” Sana said. “I think we could all use a bit of a breather every now and again. Today reminded me of that. So – thank you, Kady.”

She was purposely laying it on thick, because winding up your best friend with excessive sentiments that you meant every word of really never got old. She was rewarded when Arkady quickly jumped down from the table. “I think we’ve already done the Feelings Corner for this evening, so if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen, helping with dinner.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to hear the latest motivational speech I’ve been working on?” Sana teased her. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about it today. It’s a good one.”

“You know what, I’ve changed my mind,” Arkady said. “You’re not allowed to have days off any more.”

---

A/N: This idea came about as a bit of an inversion of the ‘leadership’ prompt - what if Sana couldn’t be in charge for the day? What would it look like if the crew decided she needed to take some time off? I was really taken with the concept (apparently I just have a thing for members of the crew gently but insistently taking care of Sana), and then I came up with the idea that something goes wrong that Sana would normally be able to fix, and the crew is desperately trying to keep it from Sana while she’s “off-duty”. This image popped into my head of like, the entire crew trying and failing to change a lightbulb, and it was so absurdly perfect that I had to write it xD

It also wound up being a spiritual continuation of the theme we’ve had so far in Season 2 of “Sana is bad at clocking off” - hopefully nothing in Episode 3 has come along and contradicted that xD (Guess I’ll find out!)

[letterboxd]

Ghibli Goes Digital.

We celebrate the explosion in Studio Ghibli activity on Letterboxd with Michael Leader and Jake Cunningham from the Ghibliotheque podcast.

LISTEN NOW: David Jenkins (Little White Lies), Tasha Robinson (Polygon) and Adam Kempenaar (Filmspotting) nominate their most magical Studio Ghibli moments in this new episode of The Letterboxd Show.

For all the ways that the coronavirus pandemic has dramatically altered the film industry, one coincidence that’s worked out extremely well for Studio Ghibli fans old and new is the roll-out of 21 of the famed studio’s films on streaming services.

It started in February for Netflix subscribers outside Japan and North America. Then in late May, HBO Max launched in the US with the Ghibli films as part of its offering. Finally, Canada got its turn with twenty titles available on Netflix right now, and The Wind Rises coming on August 1. For film lovers sheltering in place, the timing is as soothing as a nap on a Totoro’s belly; as wondrous as a Takahata sunset.

株式会社スタジオジブリ (Studio Ghibli) was founded in 1985 by directors Isao Takahata and Hayao Miyazaki, and producer Toshio Suzuki, upon the success of Miyazaki-san’s 1984 feature, Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind. Huge acclaim, an Academy Award, and growing fandom followed, but the studio has long shied away from making its catalog available for digital consumption, preferring the films to occupy a larger canvas.

And then, all of a sudden, Suzuki-san announced the digital streaming plan—starting with the whole catalog being made available to own (via download) last December. “We’ve listened to our fans,” Suzuki-san said at the time. “In this day and age, there are various great ways a film can reach audiences.” This turn of events has been a very big deal—both for long-time fans and Ghibli newbies—and we’ve run the numbers to prove it:

The above chart shows the daily number of entries logged on Letterboxd for each of the Ghibli films, and clearly depicts the February, March, April and late May spikes as groups of titles were released to the two aforementioned streaming platforms (and mini spikes coinciding with weekend watches).

The Ghibli films included in the streaming deals stretch over four decades of the studio’s output, and include big-hitters like the Oscar-winning Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, Howl’s Moving Castle and the whole-family favorite My Neighbor Totoro. All of those films appear in the Official Letterboxd Top 250; Totoro and Kiki’s Delivery Service also made it onto a list of Letterboxd members’ top twenty favorite comfort films in a recent survey.

To get a sense of what this all means, we went to Letterboxd members Jake Cunningham and Michael Leader, hosts of Ghibliotheque, a podcast dedicated to the studio’s filmography, about the Netflix deal (“none of us could quite believe it when it happened”) and the clues Ghibli films offer us for how to have adventures inside our own homes.

Earlier in the pandemic, when we were all figuring out how to stay home, you hosted a joyous My Neighbor Totoro watch-along. What is it about the fuzzy, mythical creatures that feels so helpful right now? Michael Leader: In some ways, the world’s mum is in hospital right now. We’re all working from home. There’s the bit halfway through the film where the dad is trying to get on with his work in the study, and [his daughter] Mei is coming up and putting little flowers on his desk. That’s what everyone is doing right now, is trying to get on with their work whilst their kids are milling about, full of imagination and adventures.

With Totoro, I go back to a guest we had on the show, Helen McCarthy, who wrote the book about Miyazaki. And she described Totoro as something like “kindness and acceptance made furry”, and that’s really what it is. The idea of this creature being there for you, coming out of the surroundings that you live in, allowing you to not only come into a new space that you’re maybe scared of going into, but also dealing with tricky situations that you’re in.

You’re both deeply embedded in the London film scene, but the dynamic of your Ghibliotheque podcast is that Michael is the long-time Ghibliophile, while Jake is the novice. How did that come about? Jake Cunningham: Michael and I actually work together, and it came up that I hadn’t seen any of the films and then it happened to come up that Michael was one of the UK experts of these films and was having a go at me for never having watched any. This was the perfect opportunity to work on something with each other, and my ignorance has finally paid off, because all I need to do is watch the film and then I get this amazing history lesson.

Jake Cunningham with his ‘Only Yesterday’ poster, and with Michael Leader at the Ghibli Museum.

ML: It was really fun for me, because by that point—this is nearly two years ago now—I’d been writing about Ghibli on and off for almost a decade. There aren’t really many outlets to write about anime, Ghibli and animation in particular, in the monthly film magazines. Jake is the novice we can take through the library and invite people to join us on that journey. We have listeners who are so engaged, sending us comments every week. They had no idea how deep the rabbit hole goes.

That’s something that was personally for me quite important about the show. We want to show that this is one of the few studios that has ten five-star films. They had this amazing streak from the late 80s through the 2000s, just innovating on every film at the highest level, with multiple voices working in their own different worlds. We’ve really managed to show this whole world and invite people into it.

What did you make of the Netlix flex, and the subsequent explosion in Letterboxd activity around Ghibli films? JC: The graph is amazing! I was expecting a boost but not so big. They must be very happy with how well the deal has done for them. I think it’s a good place for Ghibli for sure. I want so many other people to be in the position that I was in two years ago. It is a whole world of pleasure to delve into for audiences.

I did think it was so funny that they spent fifteen years going “We’re never going to be streaming, this is never going to happen, stop asking us”, and then out of nowhere the announcement that they’re going to be online in two weeks! I think none of us could quite believe it when it happened, but what it’s meant is people are going back to the start of the podcast and listening along, because they can finally watch the films that they hadn’t seen before.

And it’s so exciting that people might watch Totoro, or Spirited Away, or Howl’s Moving Castle, these bigger tentpole releases, and that’s going to change their algorithm and they’re going to get presented with Isao Takahata’s My Neighbors the Yamadas or Tomomi Mochizuki’s Ocean Waves. The under-appreciated Ghiblis are suddenly going to get dragged out again.

ML: I’m really excited about it. It’s an interesting thing: it shines a light on what I think is more of a fandom problem, where something becomes rarified or scarce or special to a certain subculture, and that becomes part of its appeal. Sort of ‘Oh, Miyazaki doesn’t believe in streaming, he will never sell out’, and going on about how Netflix somehow cheapens it—but really they are completely accessible films that should be available in a mass market.

Also, and this is something we wanted to tease out in the podcast, they are business savvy. They’re not crazy geniuses who live in wooden shacks in the middle of nowhere. They’re a real company that needs to keep the lights on. There are so many ways to speculate on what this deal means. I think on the one hand they were happy because in the Japanese market they sell enough merchandise, they have a real home entertainment churn going, that they never really needed to do an international release.

There’s a really good book just out by Steve Alpert, who was their first international division lead. He was hired in the 90s to sort out their penetration into western Europe and America. Before the 90s, there were a couple of home entertainment releases and small theatrical runs, but they suddenly saw the business benefits in going global. In some ways I’m very happy for it because it’s a business deal that makes these films more available. They’ll always be special because they’re great films.

JC: The films streaming is extremely exciting, but something that’s gone under the radar a bit is that all of the music is now on Spotify. There are some of Ghibli’s shorts that you can only watch in the museum in Japan, but the scores for those films are now on Spotify, and everything is there. After having the melodies of some of these stuck in my head for months and months, you can finally actually go and deal with the earworm once and for all.

Is it possible for you to sum up for us the thematic essence of Ghibli films, and make a case for why Letterboxd members should introduce their children to the catalog? For me, in the context of the pandemic, it’s the corn on the window-sill in My Neighbor Totoro: the idea of presence despite distance; connection through gesture; the significance of nature. JC: It’s a lot to do with leaving things in an ambiguous space. Having kids watch things where there’s not a binary answer to everything. The studio moved away from the earlier films where a villain is a villain. In Spirited Away and Howl’s Moving Castle, it’s less clear what a ‘bad person’ is and what a ‘good person’ is. I think it’s important that kids are gonna see that. Even with something like Kiki’s Delivery Service, on the surface it’s one of their simpler films. Kiki goes on an amazing journey and she meets amazing people, and at the end, she learns about who she is and what she can do. I think in a Western kids’ film that would be the end note. But there’s that note at the end of the film where she says that she still feels sad, and she still feels homesick, but that’s okay and that’s part of being alive.

ML: I think Miyazaki’s real magic touch across his films is that he’s able to really look at the world through children’s eyes. I’m not the first person to say that. It tends to be one of the first things that people say about him. The magical things about My Neighbor Totoro are when they’re just walking through the house, cleaning the house, cooking together. And for Kiki, when she gets her own [apartment], sweeps up and cooks herself pancakes. It is just as much about the magic of the everyday, about the world that you can see around you, within the four walls of the home.

JC: Now that you say that, I’m thinking about Ponyo, a key scene where the storm is hitting, and Sosuke and Ponyo and Sosuke’s mum just hunker down in their house and they have a generator going and they make instant ramen noodles, and the mum slips in little bits of ham. They also have some honey tea. Even though he’s a fantasy filmmaker, and he makes grand statements about geopolitical situations, these are the sequences now which will play most poignantly to people.

ML: Ghibli offers escapism, right now.

We got a glimpse of the next Ghibli film, Gorō Miyazaki’s fully-CG Aya and the Witch (see picture below), via the online version of the recent Annecy International Animated Film Festival. What are your thoughts? JC: Regarding the new images, I’m not as petrified as some fans have been. On the podcast I’ve mounted my defence for Gorō’s Tales From Earthsea, which is very much the black sheep of the family, and I don’t think I’d be doing him justice after that if I didn’t stand in his corner on this one as well. Until we see the style in motion, I think it’s unfair to judge, but it certainly is… different.

Jake, are you now a true Ghibliophile, or are you still just following along with what Michael’s got you into? JC: I would say I am now. I could definitely bore people in conversations with production stories! A lot of people will, I’m sure, have seen a lot of the films, but doing the podcast is the only thing that would have made me watch all of them.

Michael, how proud are you of this achievement? ML: Turning Jake into a new Ghibiliofile is really something. When we went to Japan in November last year—we managed to find change down the back of the sofa, and take the team out and visit the museum, visit Studio Ponoc, who are the spin-off studio founded by veterans from Ghibli—the thing that made me most proud was seeing how excited the rest of the team were. I think just out of shot of Jake’s webcam is a poster of Only Yesterday that he bought in Japan. It’s the only thing he wanted to find, was an original 1991 poster of that. There’s a picture of Jake just absolutely beaming with this poster.

Related content

Our Letterboxd Show Ghibli Magic Moments episode, with Tasha Robinson, David Jenkins and Adam Kempenaar.

Little White Lies editor David Jenkins’ Letterboxd review of My Neighbor Totoro.

The Official Letterboxd Top 250

Letterboxd members’ favorite comfort films.

[cabiba]

THREAD - Face Covering Regulations: How the UK government instructed supermarkets and major retailers to respond to exemptions.

Last year the heads of supermarkets and *major* retailers received a ‘secret’ Cabinet Office document about face covering exemptions

An important point to make here is that small independent businesses were NOT given the same details. And neither has the government ever shared it with the public. In fact, they REALLY do not want you to see it.

Although I’ve known of this document since September, I previously decided not share it for fear that it would make life even more difficult for people with genuine medical exemptions and disabilities

Yet, this week, the government has mounted a fear campaign that has caused widespread confusion and despair for people who are not able to wear a mask. Notably, those with hidden disabilities. It must now be made public

As you will see in the document, the Cabinet Office specifically states that some people are not ‘expected’ to wear face coverings for some ‘health’, ‘age’ and ‘equality’ reasons. We knew this already, but now you will know what the Cabinet Office told big retail about this

I told a little white lie when I said it was not a 'public' document, it is. It's just you have to look very, very, very hard for it. There is ONE copy on the internet and it seems to have been uploaded by mistake.

I am going to post a link to a PDF of it now and I want EVERYONE to download it *right now* before the government makes it disappear. When you download it please drop a message underneath and share with everyone you can

https://www.businesswest.co.uk/sites/default/files/guidance_for_face_covering_exemptions.pdf

As you can see, it is a step-by-step guide - written by the Cabinet Office - designed for heads of major retail to brief their staff on how to deal with anyone who walks into a shop without a face covering

The first point backs up what's already said on the http://gov.uk website: "It is not mandatory for an individual to wear a visual cue to outline they are exempt" - which has to make us wonder what the hell the @GOVUK  & @Morrisons and @asda are playing at today

The second point advises what staff should do if you're not wearing a lanyard. They may offer you a mask or ask you to wear one. I believe this is what @morrisons and @asda are now going to be doing if you do not 'clearly' look exempt

A few people are commenting 'is that is?', my reason for sharing this document is to REASSURE people who are genuinely exempt but are now *terrified* following the government's new fear campaign But the BIG news about this document concerns points 3 and 4

For the first time we have it on paper - STRAIGHT FROM THE CABINET OFFICE - examples of what shop staff should say to people without masks and how people without masks are expected (or not expected) to reply

If shop staff see a person without a face covering AND no lanyard or visual clue, the government suggests that retailers ask "Please can you wear a face covering if you are able to?"

The most important points: "Once an individual has said they are not able to/exempt, you MUST take their word and allow them to continue. A verbal confirmation alone is enough."

"You must NOT ask for proof of their medical exemption and it is not essential they show any form of exemption card at any point"

A few people are saying they've seen this. I've been tweeting about masks daily on Twitter for six months and I've *NEVER* seen this document posted, you ungrateful swines. What did you want? Outdoor masks?

This document sets out the record - in writing- of how mask exemption for medical reasons is claimed. You should *only* be refused at these new @morrisons and @asda 'check points' if you say something like "I don't want to". Print the document and carry it around with you

The existence of this document cancels out any threats that the government or supermarkets have made this week because they simply CANNOT lawfully refuse you - under the Regs, the Equality Act 2010 and Data Protection Act 2018 - if you make clear you are medically exempt

The main problem is that it hasn't been disseminated to individuals or small businesses - so the government has protected large retailers (by giving specific instruction) but left small businesses at risk of action under the Equality Act

Anyone doubting that this document was only shared with select organisations....please read the part that says "Please note charity organisations working with the government have been made aware of this too"

(Those sharing the Business West page, yes! That's the page I shared, if you read back my thread). The fact of the matter is that I know - through other sources - the government did NOT want this document in the public domain. This is the important part

My mission of sharing it was to dilute some of the government's current fear-mongering and give frightened exempt people another doc as ammunition. If you were expecting something else, well, it says more about you and you're not one of the people suffering who I want to help

It's also a reminder the supermarkets are not acting totally of their own accord. They're briefed by the Cabinet Office who simply cannot give out written advice that contravenes the Equality Act or the Data Protection Act without first changing those laws. Remember that.

There is a HUGE amount of confusion about the face covering regs and exemptions. My hope is that sharing this step-by-step guide helps clear up some confusion and helps people to go about their lives a bit more confidently. It spells out what *should* happen with exemptions

PDF:https://businesswest.co.uk/sites/default/files/guidance_for_face_covering_exemptions.pdf… ARCHIVE VERSION: https://web.archive.org/web/20201109123213/https://www.businesswest.co.uk/sites/default/files/guidance_for_face_covering_exemptions.pdf…

[slade-neko]

My History with The Sims

I don’t typically like to talk about personal things here, but I felt the need to write this up for myself to remember my journey through the Sims games. I thought I’d go ahead and post it publicly if anyone was curious or wanted to read it. This might get a bit lengthy, so I’ll keep it all under a “keep reading” note.

First off, I just wanted to say, I personally never saw myself as a “simblr.” I created a tumblr a long time ago to post about things I like; video games, anime, and music. The Sims games just happen to be a series of video games that I like to play a lot, so I post about it. I’m not really into the whole Sims community thing. I’m honestly prefer to keep to myself and do my own thing.

I never played a Sims game as a kid. I don’t even know if I knew what they were until one weekend while my best friend from school (still best friend today) was staying over and had brought his laptop with The Sims 3 on it and was wanting to show me the game. This was sometime after The Sims 3 launched in 2009, I was in 8th grade (maybe?) Anyways, point is we made ourselves as sims and played around in the game. My brother and I are huge fans of games where you can create characters in and I thought it was so funny seeing all the wacky stuff you could do in it and control these little characters’ lives in this game. At the time I didn’t have a PC remotely good enough to play modern PC games, so getting the game was out of the question for me. Eventually I got it on its console release in 2010. Oh the console Sims 3... it was different. My brother and I adored it for what it was, but we weren’t idiots. We could tell how different the game was on its limited console counterpart. It was not the same game as the PC version. The PC version of Sims 3 was always something I wanted, but never knew when I’d get it.

Towards the end of 2010 I got my first “gaming PC.” Predominately to play games like Half-Life 2, Garry’s Mod, and Fallout: New Vegas (with mods.) 

It wasn’t until December of 2012 when I got Sims 3 with its Supernatural Expansion after watching Anthony and Ian from Smosh play it during one of their Lunchtime with Smosh videos. I was like, “Oh! Sims 3, I remember that game. I should get it and play it now that I have a PC!”

This was it! I finally had Sims 3 on PC and it finally set in. My brother and I went crazy over this game it was so much fun! We started by making ourselves and closest friends as sims and eventually began making sims of our favorite characters. This was huge for us. With all the control Sims 3 had to offer it was like making the perfect world filled with all our favorite people and characters. We created video game characters like Mario, Luigi, the Left 4 Dead survivors, and then anime and cartoon characters, and then even real life people like funny Youtubers like Smosh. Some of them were pretty bad looking... but my brother and I didn’t care. To us, they were the characters living out their crazy lives in this virtual world surrounded by all these other characters. I always made the comparison that it was like some big ultimate fan fiction, but actually being able to live it out.

As time went on, we continued playing and nurturing our Sims 3 game. I began downloading CC for our sims game. I’d browse CC and find something that looked closer to a character’s design and think “Ooo, this would be perfect for so-and-so!” We also got better and better at making sims’ faces and improving upon their designs. Our sims were constantly metamorphosing into newer and better versions of themselves. My brother and I had put so much time and work into them it became our hobby and it was very rewarding to see them improve with all the time and effort we would put into them. I was so proud of our sims I made a DeviantART profile, so I could post and share pictures of the characters my brother and I had created in Sims. Originally I was nervous posting pictures of our sims online, but I was filled with joy when I began getting nice comments from people complimenting them and such positive feedback from others. I was so happy with my sims and having other people tell me they were good too just felt very rewarding to me. I had begun to make it a habit to upload pictures of the sims I had made and it was a fun thing for me to do. My sims and pictures were honestly pretty bad looking back, but at the time I really enjoyed them.

I got the point where I needed more for my sims, so I learned how to do some modding. This was probably around mid 2013 when I began learning little things at first like texture edits on clothing. Some time into 2014 I started making bigger things like meshes. They weren’t really good, but they were something. This was a big step in the direction I was wanting for myself and my creations. It really opened my eyes to the endless possibilities and offered me so much freedom. No longer was I bound to the laws of “I’ll have to use whatever I can find.” I was able to improve so many of my sims with mods I could create myself. 

We spent about 2 and half years playing Sims 3 then in 2014 Sims 4 launched. I was ecstatic to have a new Sims game! I had loved TS3 so much and was looking forward to everything Sims 4 had to offer. The game came out, we played it, we made ourselves and immediate best friends as a household, and it was FUN. We really did enjoy it, but we came to the conclusion it was lacking so much compared to TS3. We knew we were comparing a basegame Sims 4 to a fully fleshed out all DLC Sims 3. I remember trying to recreate characters in Sims 4, but not being completely happy with them. Sims 4 was a new game and I had no clue how to mod it like I did Sims 3. We actually ended up going back to Sims 3 for some time. It was at a point where we would ping-pong between the games. I remember Sims 4 being new and interesting, but I think I fell back to Sims 3 because it just had so much. All of my sims and their content were there still while Sims 4 was all new. 

Going back to Sims 3 was like a return to form. It felt good to see all my sims I worked so hard on and I continued to work on them even though Sims 4 was a thing. I would still play Sims 4 some when new DLC came out and play around in the game a bit, but all my serious sim making and pictures came from Sims 3. Playing both games I learned a lot about sim making, modeling, and just the games in general. It wasn’t until early 2016 I finally felt like I had hit my apex in Sims 3. I could create sims to the best of my ability at the time and was satisfied with my work. It was around this time I decided to make a tumblr and I began posting some of my last Sims 3 pictures I ever took.

Then in 2017 I learned how to mod Sims 4. This was a BIG game changer for me. I could finally start making all my sims over again and they wouldn’t be out shined by their Sims 3 counterparts. I would complete a sim and be so happy with the result. My Sims 4 game was finally on par if not better than my Sims 3 sims. I wanted my sims to use more content I created and not have to rely on others. My brother and I played and made so many characters in Sims 4 since then. We really focused on honing our craft. Our sims went through rigorous polishing over the next years. We’d be happy with our sims, leave the game for a few weeks, come back think our sims look bad, edit them up and make them better, and repeat. It was a never ending cycle really. We had this big strive for our sims characters to be perfect. Our goal was for a character to look like they came straight out of their own universe into The Sims. To this day, my brother and I have amassed more than 600 sims in our game total. A feat we are both very proud of.

[toooldforfandom-liveblogs]

RWBY V07E01 - The Greatest Kingdom

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA RWBY V7 IS FINALLY HERE.

My hype has been a rollercoaster, from being very hyped after the v6 finale to a more sedate "let's wait and see what's going to happen" but these past few days the hype has come back in full force.

The title of this episode sounds very... arrogant, which is precisely what I expect from Atlas.

Let's do this!

Spoiler note: I have been spoiled on two things about V7. I think Ruby gets a haircut (I saw fanart with Ruby with spiky hair and a comment about it) and Penny is somehow important to this episode since she appears in a credits card I accidentally saw while downloading this episode. My hype went from 100% to 100²% because of that last spoiler so aaaaaaaaaaaaa

I was going to comment about the orchestral music sounding very "Empire" from Star Wars but that subtitle says it all.

Qrow sounds like Qrow so far!

I'm sure it has probably been used before but I think this is the first time I've noticed the show using a bit of depth of field to emphasize who's talking.

Nothing says sci-fi authoritarian dictatorship like giant talking screens.

Mantle looks dingy but I expected it to look even worse, considering the obvious implication of the floating city above. I think the material of the buildings is what bothers me, they don't look gritty enough.

Okay, there's no way the woman in the poster is not going to be important to this season.

Also, white hair. Is she somehow related to the Schnees? I'm trying to remember if there's been any other character with pure white hair besides them but I'm coming up blank. Hmm

Politics? In my RWBY? YES PLEASE

The video compression is killing me but I think that woman says "Hill", same as the poster. I assume she's the "Mantle Hometown Hero" vs "Atlasian Tycoon" which I hope is not Jacques (it'd be interesting for a Weiss arc but not everything has to be directly related to the main characters, even if they end up getting involved later on.)

"Outer Wall Damaged" is probably about Argus (how long did the trip take?), and a setup for a possible plot with that missing journalist.

I can't imagine pre-self-actualization Weiss walking the streets of Mantle though.

Oh Yang, never change.

I didn't expect the episode's title to come from a drunk man but it certainly fits.

aw crap

he's going to get a punch in the face, isn't he?

I'm basically Nora's expression right now. I love Weiss.

Awwwwwwwww she's so happy with her new arm

Some day Maria is going to introduce someone to the crew who actually remembers her and doesn't hate her.

I'm screaming internally because the colors of that... leg-chair(?) are _very_ familiar.

OH MY GOD. It's so good to see these characters again.

What about both? I remember Watts being referred to as an "atlesian scientist" so he probably knew how it all worked.

there you go

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Wait, are those Grimm half-machine? Because that would be _sick_

aw no, just... blue for some reason.

Every first episode has had a fight so I was waiting hoping this episode wouldn't be the exception. This _is_ the first time that there can't be anything "new" though since there hasn't been a time skip in between seasons or a character that hasn't been shown fighting in some time (like Yang in V5) so I wonder what element is going to be the differentiator.

I've always liked "serious Ruby" and I always will.

aaaaah so cool

Did they change how the Grimm dissolve or is it more noticeable now due to the added color?

Her ability to transform into multiple streams to go past an obstacle is back! I can't remember seeing it since the V4 short.

Poor Weiss. Ruby gets a long scene killing multiple targets and she gets... one.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Look at how graceful she is!

I wish I hadn't gotten spoiled about Penny possibly re-appearing but I'm also not sure how I'd have handled it because I'm freaking out right now. I really, really hope she remembers Ruby, my heart is not ready for Penny-related angst. She _has_ to, right? Pietro did mention that she had told him about RWBY...

SHE HAS LONG HAIR!!!! I kinda saw it while making the gif but it's obvious here. AHHH

WHY IS HER RIBBON BLACK

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THE DORK ROBOT IS BACK

My internal freaking out just downgraded (or upgraded?) to sobbing. I'm so _so_ happy she's back.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAa

oh my god I love her I love everything about this

C'mon Qrow, you know better than anyone the danger in saying things like that.

yup, jinxed it

I _really_ don't like that uniform. A muscle tee doesn't exactly say military to me.

Their weapons and movement remind me a lot of Korra's metal-bender police.

I'm going to leave the OP for a separate post since I always end up writing too much about them (but oooh, Blake's hair looks a lot shorter and Weiss's dress that looks different)

OP post is here

---

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I think this is the fastest a RWBY season has made me cry, first episode, a record!

After seeing that credits card I was really hoping Penny would be back but I didn't expect her to be appear right away. I thought they'd meet Dr. Polendina or maybe hear something about her and leave the actual meeting until later on so... I'm so very happy.

I'm also having problems writing about the episode because I managed to forget everything else that happened but I'll try.

It was mostly a setup episode with the introduction of half the setting (Mantle) but there are hints that something big is brewing with the election and the disappearance of that journalist (possibly caused by Cinder's or Watt's group?)

I don't want to speculate too much about where the election plot is going to go since it's too early but I'm wondering how the main group is going to fit into the situation. Will they have to choose the lesser evil? Is "Hill" the clear "good" choice or is it going to be a Kuvira situation? Is the graffiti "Show your teeth" relevant at all (since it seemed to get noticeably framed before Yang noticed the droid.) I'm hoping the OP is going to have more clues about this.

It was nice to see confirmation that Dr. Polendina was the one who made Yang's arm and there was something incredibly wholesome about the scene where the girl with her new arm is skipping down the street. He's a treasure and I hope nothing bad happens to him.

I think that's all, at least until I watch the OP, so until next time!

PS: The liveblog for episode 2 is out on the discord.

[finnwrld]

What about multiples of 8 for the asks?

8. How often do you reblog/comment on fics that you like?

basically every fic I like I try to comment on/ reblog because of how much I appreciate it when people leave nice stuff on mine lmao. and if I don't leave something I most likely am just liking it to read later haha. 

16. Do you research for your fics? If so, how deep of a rabbit hole have you gone down by accident when researching?

i try to keep them accurate but sometimes I just give up lmao, so I don't do a whole lot of researching. the deepest rabbit hole though was either downloading a whole like document about magical artifacts for the reader's room in Before I Hex you, or trying to find other Slytherins that were in Hogwarts in the marauders era for Slughorns Detention

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

i have honestly no clue lmao. 

32. Copy and paste your top three favorite lines/jokes/sentences you’ve ever written. What fics do they come from?

“Sirius you really don't know anything about me, but you're so quick to judge” - slughorns detention (I just feel like this is super true for a lot of things idk)

A sob burst through your lips, crashing through the office with a terrible echo. - Just behind the veil 

There was a hole in your being. Something had just left you behind, gone away forgetting about you. - Just Behind the Veil

40. How did you come up with the idea for [x fic]?

the fic wasn't specified so ill just do a random one

The Piano was one of my first fics and even though its really bad i like the premise. 

At the time of writing i had just learned how to play Mia and Sebastian's theme and brooo it feels ethereal to play it. So i really just wanted to write something surrounding the feeling of playing it.

its still my favorite thing to play hehe

[marie-bluem]

   Random Entry: 07/01/20

    (Please don’t reblog, repost, etc)

        It’s been raining a lot lately, which has kind of put me in a nostalgic mood lately and given me this sudden urge to want to look back on some of my old blog posts, entries, and past years. Also the current state of our world right now and other things, especially the current state of the U.S. right now, has made me feel sad ( I am kind of feeling a tiny bit of that summer time sadness/blues ;-;)🌦📔      

  However, seeing the progress being made by everyone working together to bring more awareness to the inequalities and issues that still need to be addressed, not just in the U.S. but in the world in  general, and being able to help and take part  with my friends and just being able to keep in touch with my friends, has made me feel more hopeful and inspired as well. Overall, the past month of June had just kind of put in a reflective mood and want to reflect back on some things/ memories/ personal experiences etc and just write about and comment on some things like some of my past posts as an effort to try to write gain a bit more on here.

       Also I’m really sorry anons that I haven’t finished answering the rest of your anons. As  you saw from my last posts, these past months have been months where many have been working together to spread more awareness and info on issues like police brutality, mental health awareness, BLM movement, Juneteenth and more, that I just personally felt it was and still is more important to reblog posts on those topics in order to bring more awareness to those topics, and limit my amount of personal posts/ posts that don’t have to do with those topics. So I’m really sorry, but I have not forgotten about your anon asks! What I plan to try to do is answer just one of your asks once a week and like I said I will still post/ reblog some personal posts  but I will also try to reblog more posts containing info on more important topics. So I will still try to post/ reblog personal content and continue to answer some of your anons! ^^

Okay lol you can just ignore the rest of my text below lol (you don’t have to read what is below this ;-;) Like I said , the rest of the text will be a few of my comments/ thoughts as well as thoughts  I remember having when I reblogged some of my old entries, posts etc. ^^ . Also please don’t reblog this post (I’m sorry I just really don’t want to encounter a lot of weird tumblr bots again 😥 😭

January 2013:

      Aw My first posts and the beginning of this blog  ^^ I can’t believe it has already been more than 7 years since I created my Tumblr blog. I remember not knowing anything about Tumblr until my friend Emily told me “Marielisa, have you downloaded Tumblr, you should make your own Tumblr blog and follow mine please”. We didn’t even have proper phones back then (I had an old blackberry phone lol) since we were still in middle school. I remember only being able to log onto Tumblr when we had computer lab or got to use and take home our school’s iPads. Lol since I was way more shy back then, my friend ended up writing my first post saying hi and asking others to follow me and recommending me some blogs . My friend and I were really into 1D back then so I remember most of the blogs I followed back then were blogs about 1D, polyvore outfits, outfit mood boards, London, Paris/ traveling and quotes. Lol I remember Zayn being my favorite 1D member followed by Liam (before Liam shaved his hair lol; my friend and I were shook 😶 ) I remember Zayn being my favorite due to his introverted and shy yet playful personality. Wow a lot of time sure has passed since then. But, I guess some things never change though because traveling is still one of the things on my bucket list, I still hold this unexplainable yearning and wanderlust for visiting Europe (especially France and Italy),and also still am very fond of poetry, book quotes,  moodboards, and listening to 1D throwback songs from time to time with my friends✨ 💛.

February 2013:

Aw I think this is when The Perks of Being a Wallflower had come out. I remember being really excited to see how the movie had turned out since The Perks of Being a Wallflower was one of my favorite books at the time and held (and still does) a special meaning for me. Haha I remember ‘falling in love’ with Logan Lerman, wishing I could meet my own “Charlie” / Logan Lerman lol. Lol I remember wishing to be able to meet a some-what shy, dorky/ funny and thoughtful guy whom I could be awkward, silly and care-free with and share songs with haha. I also remember falling in love with the ost of the movie. To this day, Heroes by David Bowie aka the tunnel song is one of my favorite songs (as well as Come On Eileen and more favorite songs which just keep on accumulating ;-;) (I also remember wanting to have my own living room routine dance with someone.  Lol if anyone has read this far and gets this reference, I appreciate you 💝 )

Some extra notes (thoughts):📔✨

From looking at some of those posts I also realized that some things haven’t change like my love for strawberries lol, my love for city views, and my love for cozy, fluffy sweaters and cardigans (sweater weather).    🍓🌃  🧥

 I also still enjoy listening to some songs from The Beatles and really old songs in general.🎶

I no longer want to find a “Charlie”; I just want a thoughtful, kind, and funny guy who can be both quirky/ silly and serious depending on the situation, as well as hardworking, honest about his thoughts (is able to open up to me about his thoughts, feelings, worries so that I can do the same and so that we can both find comfort in one another and not second-guess one another) and a good listener/ someone whom I can have random, deep or silly late night conversations with lol, go on spontaneous outings with, and whom I can just be my some-what shy, awkward, random lol , sensitive, normal self around . (Also someone who preferably loves/ enjoys  Spring and Autumn (especially Autumn) just as much as I do and who loves animals/ pets ;-;)

Spring 2013: 

      The time during which I got to watch the movie “The Art of Getting By” and time during which I really did feel a bit lost in my thoughts. (The Art of Getting By also has one of my favorite indie osts ) I remember having a lot of thoughts (‘worries’’) on what might happen after I finished middle school in May and started High school in June (It makes my heart feel warm remembering the small things my younger self used to worry about) I remember wondering about what High school was going to be like, feeling kind of anxious and scared about getting lost on the first day of classes in a bigger school compared to my small middle school. Lol I remember thinking: Would I be able to make any new friends or at least have some of my middle school friends attend the same high school as me? Would I have trouble opening my locker again? Lol my middle school self didn’t have any clue as to what was going to happen and the many things my high school self would experience and overcome. (Lol the things my middle school self used to worry about 😆 🤧  

     Thinking back,  I think that if my middle school self were to have known or been able to take a glimpse at what my high school was going to be like and known how I would have to attend classes with much older college students I think that my middle school self wouldn’t have known have to feel nor believed it and might have even felt more overwhelmed about starting high school. I don’t think my middle school self would have been able to see just how much that experience and my decision to attend my high school over the other program that had also accepted me, would allow me to not only mature a bit more and grow as a person, but also learn to take control over my anxiety (little by little) and meet and befriend some of the most kindest and dear people to me who are now my closest and dear friends. 

       Because of that I can’t help but to wonder what would have happened to me if I hadn’t decided to attend the high school that I did, met the people that I did.  If I didn’t meet my friends of now back then would I, by some chance have still been able to meet them in a different place at a different time? That’s why I’m really glad I decided to attend my high school because even though it did lead me to experience some of the most difficult and mentally draining periods in my life , I would not change my decision if I was given a chance to go back and change it. I can’t imagine my life today without my friends whom I met back then and some other special people (particularly one person) because even though they might not know it or realize it they changed me in a good way and became a  very important and precious part of my life. I’m very thankful for having been able to cross paths with  them and for them having crossed paths with me 💖 .

August 2013: 

    I’m trying to think back as to what or who hurt me to reblog those posts lol 😶(wow I was so emo; My last year of middle school was filled with angst huh ;-; ) but I can’t remember. This made me realize though that there is some truth in what some people say in that: as time passes by we learn to slowly heal, let go, and forget of the things or people who might have hurt us. Before we know it, we don’t remember any of those not so happy times or those memories just don’t hurt anymore because as time goes by we begin to make  more happy and precious memories with people and friends that make us feel warm and loved. As for embarrassing moments/ memories (we all have them ^^  lol )  I found that as time goes by those memories don’t feel as embarrassing anymore but rather funny making me feel fond of those moments and smile at how funny and precious those moments actually were. So, if any of you reading this also have some not so nice memories just know that with time, and as you slowly learn to let go of them and spend more time making more happy memories rather than dwelling on those not so pleasant memories,  those not so pleasant memories will slowly heal and scatter away. As for those embarrassing memories, they will slowly blossom into something precious you might fondly look back on one day and laugh at 😆  (which is one of the best feelings).

September 2013: 

     My first full month attending  my high school (AHS) lol. I remember I had gone on a trip with my family early that summer so I wasn’t able to attend the summer bridge program that my high school organized for freshmen students. Since I didn’t go to the summer program, I couldn’t help but feel  nervous and a bit lost on the first day of classes because I didn’t know which homeroom class (cohort)  I was supposed to be in. I also didn’t know any of the teachers or anyone in my class because my childhood friend (Em) got placed in a different class. Apart from her there were only 2 other people from my middle school that were also accepted into my high school, but I wasn’t close with them/ didn’t know them that well.  I remember feeling very anxious and shy when I walked into my class, especially when I saw that most of my classmates had already become a bit more close with one another over the summer. I felt  so small and was way more shy back then. But I ended up worrying for nothing because my first day of high school ended up being very nice. 

      Even though I didn’t know anyone in my class, everyone was nice and ended up making me feel more comfortable. I will always feel thankful to my friend Amber because she was one of the first people in my class who talked to me and helped introduce me to some of the friends she had already made in the class . Because of her, I was able to make some other high school friends in my class who were all also nice and friendly and made me feel comfortable by starting conversations with me (if by any chance Karis and Kaylyn you are still using your tumblr blogs and read my post lol I just want to say thank you for understanding my shy personality and giving me time to open up, I will always appreciate that). I remember that after that first kind of nerve-wrecking month of school lol, I was also able to befriend my  current, close friends Darlyn, Yasmin, as well as meet my other current-close friends Erika, Frances, Trisha, and Nathaniel, who although I wasn’t really close to them back then (but was able to meet thanks to my childhood friend Emily) , have now all become precious friends of mine 💖 💛  I’m also thankful, because of those friends I was also able to meet you - a  little bit weird, dorky and kinda shy , blue shooting star like boy who I think will always have a special memory corner in my heart  just like my friends and everyone I love, despite you maybe never knowing that and that’s okay. I hope that maybe one day when we meet and actually see each other in person after many years with our group of friends, we can say hi to each other, talk, laugh, and smile normally and forget about past awkwardness.

Extra notes:📔✨

I remember wanting to be able to go to one of those old red phone booths in London, that people had turned into book trading posts/ spots where you could take some of your old books to the phone booth and exchange them for other book that other people had read. (I still kind of want to do this to be honest lol ;-;) 

Looking at my post of that blanket fort reminded me of how I always wanted to build my own blanket fort and decorate it with fairy lights and invite my friends and boyfriend to watch a movie while eating popcorn and baked pastries inside the fort lol (I still want to this too shh lol >.<)

Looking at that post of a drawing of an old and vintage record player also reminded me how I never want to get one of those old vintage record players or anything that’s an antique tbh due to so many horror/ scary movies that I have watched ;-;

That post of the mountain overlooking a crescent moon made me want to go on a road trip and camp with friends under the night sky while roasting s’mores after this pandemic subsides 🤧

October 2013: 

       I think this is when most of my friends read and or were reading the Fault in Our Stars lol since the movie was said to come out in 2014. I remember that particular quote really resonating with me and being one of my favorites from the book as well as the quotes: “You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you”, “Some infinities are bigger than other infinities” and the quote I came across for which the title was ironically based on:“The Fault Dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, for that we are underlings”.🌃       

        I remember the quote:” My Thoughts are stars I can’t fathom into constellations” really resonating with me at that time because I remember having so many thoughts and often feeling a range of emotions and sometimes feeling more deeply about some things compared to others and my friends and not knowing how to explain or express thoughts/ feelings to others in a way that made sense to them. It’s like I had so many ideas and thoughts but I often found myself holding them back because I just did not know how to get my words or thoughts across, especially during writing/ when it came to writing essays for class etc. I remember that being one of the main reasons as to why I didn’t really enjoy nor looked forward to English/ writing class despite loving to read books, and free-writing. I don’t know, I guess the teaching style of my 9th and even 10th grade English teacher and class in general, just made me feel so restricted when it came to writing about my personal thoughts/ ideas regarding a book or topic. Due to that, I kind of started to get writer’s block more often and did not enjoy writing for a while because I just personally felt that the class’ and teachers’ preferences when it came to writing about our own personal ideas and thoughts made writing feel less free, authentic, and fun and instead made writing feel more forced and restrictive.It also at some point made me feel discouraged to try to express my thoughts and opinions about a book/ topic through writing due to those teachers not allowing me or others more time and freedom to gather and express our thoughts so that they could understand them/ try to see them from a different point of view. But it’s okay, that did not stop my love to free-writing during my own time and my love to want to capture some moments, feelings and thoughts in writing. Overtime, I found that academic writing will always in some sense feel more restrictive and forced,  but that does not mean that all English professors are the same, and will make writing and reading feel restrictive because I really enjoyed my English college classes during 11th and 12th grade. My English professor during that time allowed us to be more free with our writing, opinions, and thoughts while still helping us improve our writing skills.

     During 2013 I also remember still feeling scared and anxious to share my personal opinions and thoughts on topics a lot more during conversations with my close friends or simply during class participation in fear that I might say something wrong, not know how to explain myself in front of a bigger group of people , and that others might laugh at me for that, due to not so nice past experiences. But thanks to my friends’ understanding nature, empathy, and encouragement,  I slowly started to gain more courage, feel more confident, and slowly but surely began to open up to them a lot more about my inner thoughts, random and quirky thoughts lol, worries, and rants haha and vice versa- they opened up to me more too which allowed all of us to find comfort  within one another and I’m very thankful  and will always be thankful for that💖  💝

 Another quote that I remember being very fond of was the quote: “You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you” because it’s true. We don’t really get to choose if we get hurt or don’t get hurt, but we do have some say and or power in deciding who we allow to hurt us or keep on hurting us. We have the ability to change and leave  a situation/ place/ etc that keeps hurting us and or making us unhappy.

   Another quote that I remember being very fond of was the quote: “ Some infinities are bigger than other infinities”. I remember finding this quote comforting in  the sense that although maybe my time spent with a family member, group of friends, crush, or significant other might one day come to an end and or turn out to be a smaller infinity due to certain life circumstances, my smaller infinity with them will still have been very precious and felt like a bigger infinity to me that will never cease to end in my memories. That quote was also comforting in a sense that it led me realize that although our time with someone whom we care about and love might be a smaller infinity during a certain point in our lives, we could come across that someone once again during a different point in our lives (future) and find that all that time our time with that someone was actually one of those bigger infinities made up of smaller infinities. 

        🌌 ⌛️💫

      The last quote related to the Fault in Our Stars that I remember being very fond of is: “The Fault Dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, for that we are underlings”. I remember liking this quote because I remember thinking about how often times, our first instinct as human beings, when something terrible happens to us or something does not go the way we had hoped, some people  tend to blame forces that are bigger than us and or that are out of our control. Or sometimes we tend to hold ourselves back from doing something that we love and  trying new things, in fear of failing, something going wrong, not being able to do things at the same pace as other, fearing change, or just simply comparing ourselves to others which in turn ends up making us feel like “underlings”, when it shouldn’t have to be like that. Overall, that quote led me to think about how often our worst enemy and or greatest critic is our own self. But, we can all be like the stars and feel bright, when we begin to allow ourselves to not just love and care for others, but also slowly but surely, love and care about ourselves as well which is not easy but not impossible ,and surround ourselves with people and things that make us feel loved, happy, and motivated and not allowing others to continue to hurt us with their invalid assumptions and criticism.

Wow, who would’ve known that The Fault in our stars would have a big impact on mine and my friends’  perspectives during that time haha ;-;

Extra notes:📔✨

After looking at the quote “I want to sleep for 2 years and wake up with a degree, an apartment, and money in the bank”my high school self had reblogged,  I started to think about how sad and boring that would have been If I had been asleep and missed out on 2 years of my life and just magically woke up with a degree, an apartment, and money and not actually lived through those experiences and small achievements, as well as miss out on all the memories that I would have made with my friends and family during that time. Although some of these past years during my journey in obtaining my degree and becoming more stable and independent have been hard, exhausting and sad at times, there have also been so many happy and fun moments with my friends and family that have made up for those bittersweet ones and so I think it would be sad to live without knowing about those moments and memories. 

Ah the song “Sweater Weather” lol; I remember me and my friends Emily, Amber, Darlyn, Kaylyn, and Michelle really liking the song when it came out lol. I remember thinking it was such a perfect/ cliche song to listen to during a chilly, crisp Autumn day lol. I haven’t listened to the song since high school but I think I might add it to my rainy day/ Autumn throwback songs playlist lol ^^

November 2013: 

      For some reason, what I remember the most from November of 2013  is that my Envirothon group met together for the first time with other high school groups representing their school in the Maryland envirothon at Camp Schmidt lol aw wow I can’t believe that happened so long ago. I remember my biology high school teacher (Mr.Cordon) selecting my friend Darlyn, Amber, along with a few others from our freshmen year,  and a tenth grade group and me as the two groups to represent our school.  Omg lol I remember being assigned to represent and lead the Wildlife portion of the competition and my friend Amber being in charge of the soil  and environment portion while my friend Darlyn being put in charge of the nature/ tree information section despite her being allergic to various types of trees. I feel really sorry about that to this day because what if she had gotten a really bad allergic reaction. I still don’t know to this day how or why  Mr. Cordon decided that  😭 😭

It felt kind of nice though to get away from our Campus  for a while and being surrounded by so much nature and fresh  breeze :)   

Extra notes:📔✨

Looking back at these posts also makes me realize how some other things about me and some of my preferences haven’t changed. I still  do quite enjoy rainy days, especially those rainy days where I don’t have any important things to do and I can just stay inside while listening to the rain outside and watching movies from the comfort of my room lol or taking short walks in the rain. 

I also still have this appreciation for black and white photographs; Like I mentioned in another post of mine, I just think that black and white and grainy photos have this unique mood and just give this very soft, nostalgic feeling when you look at them.

I also still love acoustic songs and guitar covers of songs and scenery photos of different places 

I also still love the look of busy cities like Paris, New York, London, etc when they are completely covered in snow and only the twinkling lights from buildings can be seen; Idk I just like the soft and subdued feeling snow gives to those busy cities :)

I miss being able to learn a new language; I’ve been thinking about starting to  teach myself the basics of a new language over this summer break lol but I’m not sure where to start or which language to pick ;-; 🤔 So far I’ve been thinking about learning either French or Korean but we’ll see lol; If I do decide to start learning, my goal is to just at least get to just 1 level above beginner’s level 🤧

Okay I’ll stop here for today and do this again with of my other posts another day ^^.

[lady-divine-writes]

ACITW AU -Here’s what the fuck is left

I’ve had it with this fic. And I’ve had it with this fandom. I really have. Why I continue to write for it, I don’t know. The fact that I’ve been insulted up the ying yang, called names, dirt, threatened, and otherwise intimidated (tried) by you all doesn’t seem to matter. The fact that what I have written so far has more words than the original doesn’t matter. The fact that when I started this, I was going so far as to email chapters to people individually per request, drop them in inboxes on tumblr didn’t matter. Those chapters still went un reviewed, uncommented on. There have been many lovely people who have supported me, but the majority have been real rats. You don’t support my other work. You couldn’t care less. All that matters is ACITW AU. You want to talk about me, and my effort, as if I’m some lout who doesn’t want to fulfill her promises because y’all are sucking your thumbs singing, “A drop in the ocean ... a change in the weather ... “ Here you go. I’m putting up what I have, unfinished, chapter by chapter. Why? Because I’m an old lady with health issues and I COULDN’T CARE LESS! Most of y’all didn’t like my version anyway. So here’s the end of it. Have fun!

“Who in the world needs three trousseaus?” Sebastian moans, trudging behind his boyfriend and his sister through, what Olivia obnoxiously referred to as “the hallowed halls of Carolina Premium Outlets”. Kurt was surprised that a woman with the financial means of Olivia Smythe would opt to shop at an outlet mall instead of all the other upscale clothing stores within a hundred mile radius, but it also made him adore her even more.

“I do,” Olivia says, grabbing Kurt’s hand and bolting towards Talbots, as if trying to outrun her brother’s cynicism and sour attitude. “Now, hurry up! We’ve got seven more stores to hit.

“Why bother?” Sebastian grabs for Kurt’s other hand, frowning when his hand closes around air. “I think you’ve bought every white outfit in this place.”

“Hmph. You can never have too much white,” Olivia tosses over her shoulder, smirking when she notices her brother’s ineffectual attempts at retrieving his boyfriend.

“Should you even be wearing white at this wedding?” Sebastian retaliates. “I mean, isn’t white reserved for the virtuous?”

Olivia and Kurt stop speed-walking. Olivia gasps, and Kurt wraps an arm around her, carefully shielding her ears with his hands.

“That’s a low blow,” he says.

“Yeah. And besides, if I was worried about a higher power sending lightning down to smote the impure, I wouldn’t have invited you or Julian. Between the two of you, you could set the entire place on fire.”

Kurt feels guilty spending money, but since he has this new plan to put into action, he breaks down and buys a shirt or two.

“You know, you should just go crazy,” Sebastian says. “It’s all good. I’ll pick up the tab.”

“I don’t want you spending money on me.”

“Why not? I have it to spend.” Sebastian playfully bumps Kurt’s hip. “What’s a couple thousand between boyfriends? Besides, I like the idea of spoiling you.” He leans down close to Kurt’s ear and whispers, “If you want, I can take it out of what I owe you.”

Those words, in contrast to the heat of Sebastian’s breath, make Kurt’s skin cold. It’s just a joke. Sebastian is teasing. And Kurt should be happy that he feels free to tease him about this. Things are slowly coming out in the open, people are finding out about their ruse, and they don’t care, because in the end, the two of them fell in love.

It may not mean anything to Sebastian. It shouldn’t mean anything to Kurt. So why does it?

Kurt sees pic text from his dad; can’t open pic for some reason

“Oh, can I see those pictures now?” Olivia asks, looking over Kurt’s shoulder. “From the hot air balloon ride you guys took?”

“Oh, yeah,” Kurt says, slightly distracted by this new issue with his phone. “Let me just …”

“What’s going on there, babe? Forgot how to use your phone? I mean, you haven’t really been using it the past week. I can see how you might have forgotten.”

“It’s not that,” Kurt says, not even surprised anymore by how easy it is to simply bypass Sebastian’s humor and see the real message inside. “This has happened to me a few times before. It won’t let me access my photo gallery.”

“I should really upgrade your phone,” Sebastian says offhandedly.

“My phone’s fine, Bas,” Kurt says, more annoyed at his phone than he is at his boyfriend.

“Well, I don’t want your wack ass service to go out when I need to get a hold of you. What if we’re sexting and your phone drops the signal?”

“It’s not the service,” Kurt grumbles, then gives up, accessing Facebook for the photos instead. “It’s the phone.”

“Ergo why I should upgrade it.”

“Grr,” Kurt groans, not bothering to glare at Sebastian since he realizes he just made his point for him. Yes, it would be nice to have a new phone. This one’s been giving him grief for a while. But, it still works, and it’s decent. Why toss something away just because it’s temperamental and frustrating? By that logic, he should break up with Sebastian. He laughs out loud when that conclusion pops in his head.

“Okay,” Kurt says with satisfaction as his Facebook page pops on to the screen, “here’s the one at holy shit!”

“Holy shit?” Olivia repeats.

“I don’t remember us going there,” Sebastian says, crowding, along with Olivia, around Kurt, and looking at his phone. The first photo that comes up is the exact photo that Kurt wanted – the two of them kissing in the basket of that hot air balloon, with the caption he wrote Love Defies Gravity. That’s not the issue. The issue is:

“Seen by … 1,452 people!?”

Even Sebastian gasps when Kurt reads it, and the four of them stop walking.

“That’s … a lot of people,” Brian comments.

It’s not just the seen by list that makes Kurt’s jaw drop, but the comments, only the first four displayed, but when he clicks the View more comments hyperlink, they shoot down his screen.

Kurt scans the list of names quickly, noting that pretty much every member of the New Directions has not only seen the pictures, but has had something positive to say, and that makes Kurt giddy with happiness and relief. Not that their disapproval would have had any influence over whether Kurt stayed with Sebastian or not. He doesn’t need a single one of his friends to approve of what they have to know that it’s what he wants. It’s just nice to know that his friends are happy for him regardless…even Rachel Berry, who has left him a string of heart emojis and the almost impossible to believe comment – I’m so sorry. About everything. Call me soon. I want to talk about this.

Kurt doesn’t read each name one by one, so he doesn’t see one name in particular at the way bottom.

One of the first people to see the photograph, even though they didn’t leave a comment.

They couldn’t bring themselves to.

And had Kurt looked at all of the other photographs that he’s uploaded while he’s been at the beach house – the ones he took of the ocean view from Sebastian’s room, the selfie he took with Sebastian on the porch swing, and the one he took of Sebastian asleep in bed – he would have seen that one person had already seen each and every one of them.

Blaine Anderson.

Converses with Rachel (who apologizes)

Finds out about how Seb knew about the coffee (from Mercedes) and the single ladies video (from Brittany)

Kurt wonders if Sebastian knows, the way he seems to know about everything, that forehead kisses are one of Kurt’s hidden weaknesses? Blaine could never quite pull it off the way Sebastian does. Kurt would always have to tilt his head a bit for Blaine to reach. But Sebastian doesn’t, and that little item makes a world of difference.

 Several times on the car ride home, Kurt tries to download the message. He waits while an icon circles around, around, around, but all he gets back is the error message, “File not available for download.”

“Shoot! But why aren’t you available for download?” Kurt asks.

The phone doesn’t answer, but Sebastian does.

“Because I’m a shit phone, Kurt. Let your sexy boyfriend upgrade me.”

“Shut it, Smythe,” Kurt says and raises the volume on the radio.

 Kurt decides to do a hard reboot.

To Kurt:

Call me as soon as you can. We really need to talk.

Along with that ominous message his father sent a picture – a photo of an envelope, the return address, NYADA, specifically the financial aid department. And across the bottom of the envelope, where Kurt has gotten used to seeing the words AMOUNT DUE are stamped the words FINAL NOTICE.

Kurt swallows hard. No, he thinks. Not now. Not when I’m here, in this sanctuary, when nothing bad can touch me, still trying to sort things out. Not when I don’t have a clue how to fix this, where to even start.

But maybe that’s the rub. Maybe he was never meant to figure this problem out. Maybe his acceptance to NYADA was something he was meant to lose, like Blaine. Just another part of his life he arrogantly thought was a sure thing, something he didn’t bother worrying about once he’d gotten it, slipping through his fingers.

“Hey. You figured your phone out.”

“Yeah,” Kurt says, quickly closing the text. “I just turned it off and turned it back on again. Worked like a charm.”

Sebastian looks his boyfriend over, but most particularly his smile - two-dimensional, not doing its usual job of lighting his eyes - and starts to worry. “What did your dad have to say? Nothing bad, right? He’s not … he’s not sick or anything?”

“No. No, he’s fine. He just got home, I guess.” Kurt tries to stuff the phone in his pocket, but his numb fingers refuse to move.

“You know” – Sebastian sits beside Kurt, his eyes on the phone that Kurt tucks out of sight – “I never did ask you what you needed $10,000 for. I mean, did you pick that number out of the air at random? Or was that what you thought dating me was worth, because, if that’s the case, then frankly I think you sold one of us short.”

Kurt nods tersely but doesn’t answer. He can’t. He’s paralyzed. Now is definitely the time to own up to something, but what? To his old plan of needing the money to go to NYADA? Or this new plan of moving wherever Sebastian is going that he’s become recently attached to? He knows he’ll tell Sebastian both, but which one takes precedence? If emotion weren’t entering in to it at all, if he wasn’t still slightly confused about this relationship with Sebastian, than the answer would be NYADA, definitely. And even as that new plan, glimmering in his head, is tickling his lips to make its way out, he knows the answer is NYADA, no matter what, above all.

Sebastian puts an arm around Kurt’s shoulder and pulls him against him as he reclines. He pushes off the porch with his feet and starts the swing rocking its soothing rhythm.

“Originally I thought it was so you could buy yourself a new wardrobe,” Sebastian continues, hoping to get Kurt relaxed enough to spill, “and I have to say, I was all for that. Hell, I was going to up it to $50,000 and just take you shopping myself. Make sure you got your money’s worth.” Sebastian waits for a comeback, a snide remark, anything. But when Kurt remains quiet, Sebastian kisses his head. “Talk to me, babe. Tell me what’s going on.”

Kurt sighs. He can’t put this off any longer. Putting it off, coming up with some excuse not to talk about it, would feel like lying, and he doesn’t want to lie to Sebastian.

“It’s for … it was for college. NYADA.” God, he isn’t prepared to admit this. Not yet. Even after the time he’s given himself, he’d never wanted to admit to any of this out loud. That was worse than not having the money, so he’d been doing everything in his power not to. “I had gotten some scholarships and some financial aid, but I was approved before my father was elected to Congress.” Kurt hears Sebastian sigh, and he knows he can fill in the rest, but Kurt feels like he has to keep going. “It never dawned on me to call and update them, but they found out on their own anyway. They readjusted my aid and, in the end, I came up short. Without that money, I … I can’t go to college.”

Sebastian sighs again, but instead of sounding frustrated, this sigh sounds hurt. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it doesn’t matter, Sebastian. I can’t take that money now. Not after …”

“Stop, Kurt,” Sebastian says, reaching for his wallet. “Just … just stop.” He pulls out a piece of paper, folded once, and hands it to Kurt. At first, Kurt has no idea what it could be, though he has a nagging suspicion. But that suspicion can’t be correct! It would be ludicrous if it were.

But since ludicrous seems like par for the course this summer, it’s exactly what Kurt thinks it is – a cashier’s check for $10,000, made out to Kurt Hummel, dated the day after Kurt agreed to their boyfriend arrangement. And even though Kurt is teetering on the brink of incredulity, he has to smirk at the comment Sebastian had the bank print in the memo line – For services rendered. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

“You’ve … you’ve been carrying this around with you this whole time?”

“Well, yeah.” Sebastian shrugs. “Regardless of what you see on TV, you can’t just write a personal check for ten grand. And I had every intention of keeping up my end of the bargain so …”

“Thank you, but … but I … I can’t,” Kurt says, those words killing him, driving nails into his heart and twisting, as he stares at this check, made out for more than he needs and his name in the pay to the order of line. It’s the answer to all of his prayers, but for the sake of his conscience, he has to turn it down. Goddamned conscience! Fuck you! “That’s very generous of you, but …”

“We had a deal, Kurt,” Sebastian interrupts. “You more than held up your end. In fact, I would say you went above and beyond, considering.”

Kurt nods. Objectively, he has to agree, but the way Sebastian chose to phrase it makes him feel sick. Plus, and he doesn’t know why, he feels offended. He doesn’t know what he expected Sebastian to say about the matter. He’d prepared himself for Sebastian to give him the money. He’d prepared to refuse and for the two of them to fight over it. But instead of indignant, he feels insulted.

“Then … then what does that make us? What does that make this? Everything we’ve done so far?”

“It makes it what it is, Kurt,” Sebastian says, throwing an arm in the air. “I love you, and you love me. And this …” He gestures to the check in Kurt’s hands like it’s an annoying fly he’s shooing away. “This is ancient history. Tying up loose ends.” Kurt starts shaking his head. It’s a reflex to object. This doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing that boyfriends did for one another. It’s too much.

Sebastian, facing down his obstinate boyfriend, groans. “Kurt! Are you really going to throw your dreams away, your entire future, for something as stupid as money?”

“Well, you can call money stupid,” Kurt argues, his hand holding the check shaking. “You have it, alright? But when you don’t have it, it’s not stupid! It’s actually kind of important!”

“You’re right,” Sebastian agrees. “You’re absolutely right. It is important. It’s important, and you need it. You need it to go to college. So why the fuck aren’t you taking it, Kurt? I’m fortunate. I happen to have more money than I can use, sitting around, doing nothing, so let me give you some …” Kurt scoffs and rolls his head away, and Sebastian amends his statement. “Or lend you some, or however you want to do this. Remember when I said that money doesn’t matter to me beyond enjoying all the things my wealth can buy me? Well, I would enjoy the opportunity to do this for you. Look, if you don’t take it, I’m just going to send it to fucking NYADA with your name plastered all over it, so you might as well stop being so fucking stubborn and do it your damn self! If you and I hadn’t gotten together for real, if we hadn’t fallen in love, you’d be taking this check, conscience clear, and on your way to New York. But we lucked out, Kurt. We got something better out of this in the end, and being able to call you mine is worth the world to me. But if it causes you to give up your dream, Kurt, then it’s a bad thing. I don’t want what we have to be a bad thing. I want it to be a good thing. I want it to grow and last, and that will only happen if you live out your life. If you follow your dream.”

Sebastian takes the check from Kurt’s fingers. He folds it, and slides it in Kurt’s pocket. Kurt doesn’t move to object. He can’t. What Sebastian says makes sense to him logically. It’s his pride that has a problem with it. This isn’t the end. Sebastian isn’t Blaine. He isn’t just going to let go of Kurt because they’re going to schools in separate states. Kurt is finally seeing an ending to all of this where he gets to have it all – the school of his dreams, the future he planned, and the boy he never planned on. This wouldn’t be a loan, he promises himself. He’ll pay back every single cent somehow, even if it takes him a lifetime.

“You’re going to NYADA, Kurt,” Sebastian says, kissing Kurt on the forehead between words, “one way or another. And there’s not a force anywhere on earth that’s going to keep me from making sure you get there.”

 ***

They go horseback riding.

Sebastian shows Kurt a secret overlook.

“You know, if I wasn’t here, seeing it for myself, I don’t think I would ever believe any of this about you.”

Sebastian looks like he’s about to get offended, then says, “I guess I didn’t really give you the chance to find out for yourself.”

 (Kurt starts thinking that Charlottes throwing him looks.)

“Sebastian says you have quite a fondness for this old swing. You know, before you, he’d never come out here. Ever. You would think he was afraid of heights or something the way he avoided it, and my son is definitely not afraid of heights.”

“How did you figure us out?”

“Because whether they like it or not, I know my children, and to be honest, because he’s my youngest, I probably know Sebastian most of all.”

“Kurt, I’ve walked in on my son mid-coitus more times than any mother should, and what I saw when I walking in on the two of you…that wasn’t my Sebastian. Not the one I had seen torturing himself with boys and men for years. The laughing, the smiling, that was different. It was honest – real. It’s what I’ve wanted for him for longer than I can tell you.”

“You raise your kids the best you can in the hopes that they can make the right decisions on their own. I may not agree with all of the decisions my children have made, but they’re their decisions to make. I can’t micromanage their lives. I have to trust them.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, I think you guys did an amazing job.”

“Thank you, Kurt.”

 ***

 Kurt began to notice that those long conversations that Julian used to have with Cooper seemed to be less and less. He remembers that their relationship has always been a volatile one, but Julian seemed so happy when he first arrived. Kurt hoped that their flame hadn’t burned out so quickly.

“Hey, why don’t you take a picture? It lasts longer? In fact, I have a few I can just text you, if you want to take a peek…”

 “So, what are you guys doing later on? I mean, between the sex, and more sex.”

“Have they been having a lot of sex?” Olivia asks.

“As far as I can tell. I don’t know, I haven’t been watching.”

“Yeah, right.”

 “Here. I was gonna take Cooper, but he hasn’t called me yet. Anyway, no reason for them to go to waste.”

   “It’s great, except, this chic keeps elbowing me in the ribs, and she has really sharp elbows!”

Sebastian looks over their heads towards the stage. He must see someone because his eyes light up, and he waves. Then he nods, and takes Kurt’s hand.

“Come on. Maybe I can fix that.”

 “Hey, Viola.”

“Hey, Sebastian. Long time, no see.”

“Well, I’ve got a good reason. This is my boyfriend, Kurt.”

“Very nice,” she says, giving Sebastian an approving wink. “So, you guys through mixing with the rabble.”

“Absolutely.”

“Well, you guys are welcome to hang here for the rest of the concert. And here…” she reaches into her pocket and pulls out two stickers, taking the liberty of affixing one to each boys’ thigh before Kurt can complain about adhesive on his Gucci jeans. “These’ll get you back stage after.”

“Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

“Of course, you would know the manager of a big name band.”

“No, Julian does. I just know Julian…unfortunately.”

“And that’s apparently enough,” Kurt chuckles. “I would have thought you’d be just as famous. You know, your name and number written on bathroom walls from here to the space station.”

Sebastian’s expression changes – becomes tight, a little muddled, sort of like every default expression he has is scrolling by on his face, trying to land on an appropriate one. When he can’t seem to settle, he shoves his hands in his pockets and looks down at his shoes, still trying to choose.

Kurt doesn’t know why, but he feels like he needs to apologize. “I’m sorry. I…insulted you.”

“It’s not that,” Sebastian says, shaking his head with a look in his eyes like even he’s trying to make himself believe that that’s not what he feels. “It’s just…” Kurt watches Sebastian’s lips…lips that were kissing him not moments before, warm with just an underlying hint of beer, now trapped between words. “I’m not ashamed of who I am, and…I’m not going to apologize for who I was, but…I don’t want you to look at me and see the Whore of Babylon.”

Kurt wants to tell him that he doesn’t. It’s simply a fall back joke. The two of them have tons of them. It’s not even one of the crueler ones as far as Kurt is concerned. It’s never bothered Sebastian befo---

No. Actually, Kurt can’t say that. It bothered Sebastian when Julian calls him that.  

“Who do you want to be?”

Sebastian loops his arms around Kurt’s waist

“I want to be yours. Just…your man. Kurt Hummel’s boyfriend, and that’s all.”

“Just Kurt Hummel’s boyfriend?”

“Well, Kurt Hummel’s sexy ass boyfriend.”

“I’ll look into having a shirt printed up.”

 ***

“Okay, so that’s Ursa Major,” Sebastian says, pointing to a series of stars up and to the left above their heads. “And that’s Ursa Minor. And that over there, that’ Orion’s Belt.”

Kurt turns his head from where it rests on the windshield of Sebastian’s Mustang, both boys staring up at the night sky from where they lie on the car’s hood.

“Really?” Kurt asks, partly impressed, partially skeptical.

“How the fuck should I know?” Sebastian asks while Kurt laughs. “They’re all stars,” he says, waving his hand towards the clear night sky. “That’s just what guys do when they look up at the sky, they identify shit.”

“Damn, and I was all impressed,” Kurt says. “And you know, smart guys get me hot.”

“Actually, I do know a few of them. “

“Ah,” Sebastian says, sliding over closer, “luckily, I have an app for that.” Sebastian reaches into his pocket and pulls out his iPhone. He sweeps his finger over the screen, looking through his apps until he finds the one he’s looking for. He raises his phone and takes a shot of the night sky.

Sex in the car in the rain.

“Have you guys seen Julian?”

“No. We’ve been out looking at the stars.”

“So, no phone calls or anything?”

“No. Why?”

“Because, we can’t find him. He’s gone.”

***

“I even called the house,” Julian says, staring ahead of him with blank eyes, talking sotto voce, as if the two of them aren't standing there beside him, listening to every word. “Emily says he just…he just left. He didn’t pack a bag, didn’t tell anyone where he was going...just pfft. Gone.”

“Julian, I'm...I’m so sorry,” Kurt says sincerely, his heart sinking when that light that always lingers in Julian's eyes, the one that blazes hot behind the ice blue of his irises, starts to burn low, threatening to go out.

“So many secrets,” Julian says, shaking his head, looking down at his phone clutched in his hand as if any moment it might spring to life with a call or a text. “We’re so good at keeping secrets, aren’t we, Sebby?”

Kurt feels Sebastian go rigid beside him.

“Julian…”

Kurt has heard Sebastian say his brother’s name dozens of times, and as many different ways.

He’s said it jokingly.

He’s said it seriously.

He’s spat it like a curse.

He’s said it with affection.

But this was a plea.

He was begging Julian to stop.

“We keep secrets from mom and dad," Julian continues, again to himself as if they aren't there, "secrets from Liv, hell, the two of you kept the biggest secret of all…you even had me duped, though, apparently that isn't as hard as I thought.”

Julian laughs, sad and hollow, until it becomes a cough.

“Julian…” Sebastian repeats his plea softer, subconsciously searching for and taking Kurt's hand. He squeezes it tight and Kurt can't help noticing how it shakes.

Julian looks at his brother with a wry smirk, lifting the shot glass in is fist in an unspoken toast and downing it in a single gulp.

“Now why haven’t you told him yet, Sebby? You know it wasn’t your fault. At least, if you do, he’ll know exactly how much of a bastard I really am.”

Kurt’s eyes meet Sebastian’s, but Sebastian isn’t looking at him. He looks frozen. Numb.

“Come on, Sebby,” Julian says with tears burning in his eyes, “you love him. He loves you. He should know, dontcha think?”

Sebastian stands paralyzed, his mouth agape, unable to breathe a single word. Whatever Sebastian hasn’t told Kurt yet, whatever this pain is that the two of them hold on to, that the two of them share, Julian is getting ready to spill it. Kurt won't deny that he wants to know - he wants to help - but this is not how Kurt wants to find out. Not like this.

“Julian, no,” Kurt says, even though he’s sure what he’s saying no to is the one thing he’s wanted to know all summer.

“No, Kurt, it’s my story, too, and I need you to forgive me because what I did made this…” He flicks a finger between Kurt and Sebastian “…so much harder for you.”

“It’s fine,” Kurt says in a thick voice, “truly. I…I forgive you, it’s…”

Julian shakes his head. “Don’t, Kurt. You don’t understand how bad I hurt him…”

“Julian,” Kurt says firmly, putting his free hand on Julian’s knee and squeezing, trying to get through his haze of whiskey and self-pity, “please, stop. I don’t need to know.”

“Yes,” Sebastian agrees quietly behind him. “Yes, you do.”

Kurt turns to look at his boyfriend, expecting him to be looking away, off in the distance like Julian, or maybe down at his shoes, but he’s looking right at Kurt instead.

Kurt slowly shakes his head.

This time, it's Kurt's turn to plead.

"Sebastian..."

“That’s the spirit, baby brother,” Julian cuts in, taking his next shot off the bar and passing it over to Sebastian. Kurt watches Sebastian sadly put the shot glass to his lips, snap his head back, and down the drink, a single tear racing down his cheek and getting lost in his hair. “Let’s tell our story together.”

 “There was this guy. Seb fell so hard for him, so fast. He called Seb all sorts of cutesy nicknames. They were so adorable together. Frankly, it made me kind of sick. I wanted to help Sebby land this boy, so I got them some fake IDs, and I took them out drinking.”

“It might have been love,” Julian says. “Was it? I don’t know. It could have been.”

 “But right before we went out, I got into a fight with Cooper, and I was an asshole. So, I got them both drunk, and then I seduced this poor boy of Seb’s.”

“Well, Sebby, he got mad, had one too many to drink. He got real sick and went to the bathroom, and while he was in there, there was some guy.”

“Don’t…stop…” Kurt shakes his head.

“No,” Sebastian says quietly, “let him finish.”

“When I got to them,” Julian squeezes his eyes shut, tears leaking out the sides, “he had Sebastian pinned between the sinks, had his pants unzipped and his hand down them, he was trying to kiss him, kept saying…kept saying that he wanted to taste himself on Seb’s lips.”

“So…so, he…”

“Yeah. Big brother charged to the rescue about a minute too late.”

“Oh…oh God.”

“So that’s the story of how big bad Julian forced his baby brother away.”

 ***

“But, as soon as I can, I’ll drive up and meet you. We’ll have that big house all to ourselves. Who knows what kind of mischief we can get ourselves into?”

“What sounds like a…”

Sitting on the steps to Kurt’s patio is Cooper. And beside him, curled into a ball, hugging his knees, is Blaine.

Kurt thinks he should feel an overwhelming tide of emotion. That it should knock him back about twenty feet, transport him through time to a place where he swore he would always love Blaine. But what he felt was barely a swell. The boy who used to be perfection by Kurt’s standards was riddled with flaws. Kurt found himself comparing Blaine to Sebastian the way he used to compare Sebastian to Blaine, but this time Blaine was the one didn’t measure up.

 “Maybe you should go check on Julian.”

 “So, what, you owe it to him to hear his side?”

“No. He owes it to me to tell me why he took everything and through it all away.”

Kurt hands him the check.

“Wh---why are you…?”

“This way, when I come back, you’ll know it’s not because of obligation. It’s not because of the money. It’s because I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, and nothing he can say is going to change that. Have a little faith in me.”

***

·         Kurt rips up Seb’s check so he’ll know he’s not coming back because of the money

·         Kurt drives Blaine home

·         Kurt figures out that Blaine met his friend on Facebook before camp

·         Mr. Anderson tells Kurt how he planned to get Blaine away from Kurt

·         Burt tells Kurt he paid the $10k

 “You know, I always wondered…when you drove away, you had this look in your eyes. It’s haunted me. You knew. Before you left, you knew you were going to hookup with someone, didn’t you?”

“I met him on the camp’s Facebook page.”

 “It’s love! It’s supposed to mean everything. It’s not the kind of thing you can dump and pick up again when it’s convenient. That’s not how it works!”

  “I know I was with someone!” Blaine said, shocking even himself with the volume of his voice. “I know I did! I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry! I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did. I had every intention of coming back to you, of moving to New York with you, of living happily ever after with you! But I didn’t ruin that, Kurt! You did! You did because what you did was way worse!”

“What? What did I do that was way worse?”

“You….you fell in love.”

“What do you expect me to do?”

“I expect you to grow up. I expect you to learn from this. I expect you to accept that it’s over, and maybe, in time, we might actually be able to stay friends.”

“I will never forgive you for this.”

Kurt wants to ask him, “Did you think of me at all when he kissed you? When you were fucking him or he was fucking you, did you almost say my name? Was my smell still on your clothes, or did you make sure to wash it completely away?”

“Look, we loved each other, so much. But we’re so young, so immature, made so many bad choices…” Kurt says that word we, we, we over and over even though he doesn’t entirely mean it. But he doesn’t feel right saying what he wants to say - you did this. You ruined it. You made a bad decision. Because deep down, there’s a part of Kurt that’s culpable. He let Blaine make that decision instead of taking ownership of his own feelings. He let Blaine command the conversation when he had so much more to say. Blaine controlled how they communicated, even with their mutual friends, but Kurt went along with it. The best he can do now is try to leave the hurt feelings in the past and let it go - not necessarily for Blaine. Not to make Blaine feel better. But so that Kurt can walk away with his head held high, into a future that he deserves…with someone he loves. “Let’s just…remember that, and part as friends. Good friends.” Blaine drops his head and looks off to the side, like he’s already turned his back on the conversation. "Maybe we weren’t meant to be together,“ Kurt continues, "but that’s not a horrible thing. It’s not going to…not going to kill us.”

Funny, since that’s how Kurt felt for the first month at least, but now he sees how ludicrous that was. He’s young. They’re both young. And this, too, shall pass.

Kurt waits for Blaine to speak - to agree, to argue, to try and win him back, to sing - but he says nothing. Just stares at the carpet beneath his feet, putting Kurt’s words together…or maybe shoving them away.

Kurt sighs, putting a hand to his aching forehead. Too much drama and too little sleep. He doesn’t need this right now. What he does need…or correction…who he needs, is driving back to Westerville this very moment, and all Kurt wants is to be with him.

Why did he offer to drive Blaine home again?

Kurt looks at the boy in front of him - the boy he pined over, the boy he obsessed over, the boy he loved, for a while, more than he loved himself.

But that was over. Now, he has someone else in his life he needs to return to.

Kurt stares at Blaine, but Blaine’s eyes shift to stare at his hands, as if they somehow hold the key to changing Kurt’s mind, but Kurt isn’t about to wait.

‘If I leave now,’ he thinks, 'I can get there only twenty minutes after he does.’

"Good-bye, Blaine,” Kurt says quietly. He doesn’t reach a hand out to hold him, to hug him, to give him any comfort.

That’s not what their 'relationship' is anymore.

Kurt turns and walks toward Blaine’s bedroom door when he hears Blaine’s voice, shaking with rage, maybe some embarrassment, and thick with tears, talking to his back.

“I…am never…going to forgive you for this, Kurt,” he says, sniffling through gritted teeth. “Never.”

It’s a harsh sound, Blaine’s voice. One Kurt had only heard once before - when Blaine fought off Dave Karofsky in the halls of McKinley on the night they went to watch the New Directions perform.

When he fought Dave off to defend Kurt.

Now that anger is directed at Kurt, and it makes Kurt’s blood run cold.

It zaps any sympathy he might have had for Blaine straight from his body.

He can’t even turn to look at him when he gives him an answer.

“Good,” Kurt says, barely turning over his shoulder so that Blaine can hear him clearly. “Now you know how I felt most of this summer.”

   “So, does this mean you’re finally gone for good?”

“What does that mean?”

“I was never too thrilled with Blaine dating you. The idea of you became more palatable when you became a congressman’s son.”

“Palatable?”

***

            “Cambridge, huh. No chance he’s talking about Massachusetts?”

“No.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I only found out before we left for North Carolina, and I haven’t even decided whether or not I want to go.”

“I’m not Blaine. I’m not stupid. I want to be with you, and I have no intention of letting you go so easily. Please…have a little faith in me. Please. Just this once. Alright?” ”

  But Sebastian doesn’t go to Cambridge. He goes to NYU.

“Do you miss me yet?”

“No.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Yes, I miss you. Of course, I miss you.”

“You gonna show me how much?”

“What, like on Skype or something.”

“Or something.”

The End

[buttjaehyun]

me vs. my best friend (kpop edition)

welcome to whatever this is i guess, well my nickname is nana so nice to meet y’all and since this is a post about me AND my best friend her nickname is kun so i’m just gonna refer to her as kun so just saying that now do y’all don’t get confused later

WARNING: this is an extremely long post so if you don’t want to read all of it i can’t blame you but it did take me roughly 8 hours to write this so i’d appreciate it if you read it but it’s okay if you don’t^^ also please respect our opinions and if any of you want to answer these questions in the comments or reblogs then please feel free to do so!!

so this was originally gonna be a youtube video but honestly i’m way too lazy to edit roughly 82 different music videos into 15 minutes. so i’m just gonna do it here until i get motavated enough to actually download 82 music videos and edit them down into clips. at the bottom of this is a spotify playlist of the songs i was gonna download audio/music videos for if you want to take a listen, there is one for me and one for kun ^^

so i guess i’ll start btw kun’s list took me SO LONG cause she’s also indecisive so we sat on the phone for 2 hours while she was answering these questions i swear

me (nana)

kun

both of us

1. Favorite Male Group:

- got7; im not even gonna lie those seven goof balls mean the world to both of us, like we’re seeing them on july 6th for the second year in a row, how can they top the greatest day of our lives?

- i adore all of them so much and they’ve made me the happiest i’ve ever been and i can’t believe i actually fell in love with one of them??? like it sound STUPID AF but like i deadass fell in love with mark tuan and i don’t regret it at all

- MY BOYS! honestly because of them i laugh constantly and can’t help but love them! especially yugyeom! he’s so cute i can’t! his eyes, his voice, his everything i adore him and he owns my heart from now until forever

2. Favorite Female Group:

- aoa; aoa was my first girl group besides f(x) and they have a special place in my heart but other then them i also adore twice

- red velvet; im not too into girl groups but i’m trying but so far i really enjoy red velvet and their personalities and they’re few of the girl groups i actually know the names of lol

3. Favorite Band:

- day6; we’re jyp stan’s at heart (and sm stan’s im not gonna lie) we’ve loved all of jyp’s groups and soloists thus far, honestly day6 doesn’t have a single bad song if you ask us

(dowoon owns my heart just thought you would like to know that)

(and brian owns mine whoops)

4. Favorite Underrated Boy Group:

- the boyz; they’re so cute and talented so stan them asap plz (also stan astro my bubs) okay so this one was hard for me ngl, i adore the group kun chose from the bottom of my heart but a lot of our answers are similar so i wanted to change it up

- astro; thanks to nana she dragged me into loving these goof balls and i’m so glad she did, they’re all so adorable and they have great music so stan my babies :(( sanha is the cutest babie and i love him please love my beagle boy

5. Favorite Underrated Girl Group:

- dreamcatcher; hands down one of the easiest questions for me? like idk i adore these girls and they’re great so please stan :D

- clc; MY GIRLS MY QUEENS okay so other than red velvet they’re my favorite girl group and i’m absolutely not gonna deny that

6. Favorite Rookie Boy Group:

- stray kids

so i’ve stanned stray kids since predebut, specifically when hellevator was released, YALL HAVE NO CLUE HOW HYPED I WAS im serious i didn’t shut up about these boys and i’m so glad they’re so beyond successful and i adore each and every one of them p.s stream side effects

i’ve liked stray kids since predebut but after nana’s persistence i ended up adoring the members more than anything (except yugyeom) i major stanned since january of 2018 and i’m so proud of my boys :((

7. Favorite Rookie Girl Group:

- itzy; so other than everglow it was hard for us to make a decision on this, neither of us STAN STAN many girl groups so most girl group debuts slip our minds after watching them but dalla dalla had been stuck in both of our heads for months now so that’s why we ended up choose itzy (also jyp girl group duh)

8. Favorite Disbanded Group:

- speed; okay so most people don’t know them and i am: depressed about it but it’s okay, they’re my boys and i love them, one of the members is actually zico’s older brother so oof yes talented family, they’re great and i miss them so much :(((

- history; so roughly towards the end of 2016 i saw their video just might die and queen, nana had already played me queen before and i really enjoyed the song (bop listen to it plz) and i just loved them from then on, after they announced their disbandment last year ngl it hurt cause i love them

(i could only find the audio of just might die without having to download the video so the link to the video is attached to just might die)

9. Favorite Sub Unit:

- NCT Dream; okay i’m not that person to be like Oh I oNlY stAn ThIs UnIt OF nCt no i stan all 21 members and whoever else joins from that HOWEVER all of the dreamies are really really high on my bias list so that’s why i chose them for my favorite unit (stream dnyl thanks :D) im actually listening to dnyl while writing this so love that

so i couldn’t find any gifs of nct dream ot7 so i settled for this cute gif of jisung

- WayV; i love all of nct but kun (+johnny and mark) are at the top of my nct bias list. i love take off and i love every song they’ve released so far, my boys ARE APART OF NCT (for y’all dululu fans) also stream dnyl for nana so she’ll shut up about how much she adores dream not that she’ll ever shut up about how much she loves them tbh

10. Favorite Duo:

- Jus2 + JJ Project

- again here comes the utter LOVE for jyp groups along with got7 i adore both of these duos beyond belief and i need mark to have a duo or a unit or SOMETHING cause i love him with every ounce of my being

- yugyeom. that’s it. yugyeom is the loml and there’s nothing he does where i won’t love him, focus on me hit somewhere different and i LOVE IT and HIM and of course jaebum cause he’s great too uwu i also love both of jjp and i was so exited for tomorrow, today so that helped too^^

11. Favorite Senior Group:

- infinite; so infinite. yeah i’m a HUGE inspirit and i miss hoya, sunggyu, and sungyeol like hell but it’s okay, i adore infinite im not gonna lie (to be fair i adore a lot of groups) and they mean a lot to me, out of my ults i think myungsoo has consistently stayed at the same place since 2016 as my second ultimate bias oof wow, it was also hard to choose between infinite, suju, and shinee like damn

- super junior; so i love suju? i love them more after once again thanks to nana’s persistence after black suit came out even though i was gonna listen to it away, i already loved heechul and leeteuk but dang i really love them and so does nana. but she likes too many groups to just choose one without overthinking it ALOT

12. Favorite Debut Song:

- come back again by infinite; okay so this was also a really hard one cause i love nct’s debut as well as ateez and astro but i ended up choosing come back again cause i find my self searching far and wide just to listen to this song (cause it’s not on apple music or spotify)

- pirate king by ateez; so yes i know that their debut was TECHNICALLY treasure but i love pirate king too much to not say it was my favorite debut, this song is still on constant repeat and always will be like uGH

13. Favorite Male Soloist:

- jeong sewoon; so im a big ol mush pile for all of the produce 101 s2 boys so of course sewoon would be up there with jinyoung, donghan, and SO MANY OTHER GREAT MEN, i adore his voice and the way he sings, he’s just so? great??

- dean; dean was the first kpop artist i ever listened to even without knowing he was a k-r&b artist, i love his voice, it’s so soothing and i can never stop listening to it

14. Favorite Female Soloist:

- chungha; coincidently snapping came out the day before i started writing this so yes?? queen?? but seriously i love her so much and i can’t ever contain my love for her music

- IU; she so ADORABLE? i love all of her music and i can’t believe she’s an actual human being, i seriously love her so much that it’s just uncontainable, she has one of the best voices in the kpop industry

15. Favorite Male Vocalist:

- baekhyun of exo; exo was my first group i ever got into, and they never cease to amaze me when it comes to their music. they never and i mean NEVER disappoint with their albums and bsides, as to why i chose baekhyun is simple, HIS VOICE SENDS CHILLS DOWN MY SPINE i mean so does jongdae but still

- kyungsoo of exo; i love kyungsoo and his voice and i’m going to miss him beyond belief after he leaves on july 1st :(( but seriously his voice knows no bounds and i can’t help but melt when i hear it

16. Favorite Female Vocalist:

- seola of wjsn; so i’m just saying now i don’t know much about wjsn but this girl. her vocals. yes? after her song with kihyun came out i fell in love with her vocals from then

- sunmi; i love my supportive queen, she’s great and beautiful and i love all of her music, i will never fail to bop to heroine at any time of day just because i love her that much like yes queen

17. Favorite Male Dancer:

- ten of nct; i don’t think much needs to be said as to why ten is my favorite male dancer. he is beyond anything i’ve ever seen before and has my complete respect for his passion for dancing and it makes me want to be a better dancer just so i can be proud of myself

- yugyeom of got7; oH i WonDer WhY yUgyEoM iS heRE, seriously i love his dancing more than anything and all of his freestyle clips on instragram make me have the utmost love for him beyond what i already have for him

18. Favorite Female Dancer:

- seulgi of red velvet; i’ve watched her dancing over the years and i’m never not mesmerized by her stage presence and the way she is so detailed with how she moves

- lisa of blackpink; she’s a great dancer and i will never deny that, she’s also a great rapper and her stage presence is great especially when she’s dancing (specifically taki taki)

19. Favorite Male Rapper:

- changbin of stray kids; okay so i knew from the moment i heard hellevator that this group would be big and man did they not disappoint, changbin has one of the best rapping styles and voices i’ve ever heard in my life, his speed and his lyrics are so amazing and 3racha songs are AMAZING too like wow this man and his power over me

- jooheon of monsta x; not only has joohoney wreaked my bias list but he has absolutely one of the most unique voices i’ve ever heard, his raps are so hard hitting and i can’t ever get over them, his solo work has potential to be soty because of how talented he is

20. Favorite Female Rapper:

- jessi; okay so i actually had a few female rappers in mind by it kept going back to jessi each time, i genuinely love her voice and i LIVE for her roasts like yes, also i love all of her music? like she has great music i 10/10 recommend

- yeeun of clc; i don’t know many female rappers but yeeun has been one of my favorites for awhile now and i love her voice, it’s just so great to see how much she’s improved and i’m so proud

21. Favorite Male Choreography:

- superhuman by nct 127; so honestly this was absolutely the hardest question for me, i love dancing and i love most male choreographies so idk why i came to this decision, actually i do, superhuman is honestly a wonderful dance and i love watching it each and every single time i seen it on my recommended on youtube

- highlight by seventeen; the performance unit has so much power and stage presence that it was so hard no to choose this song, they all have such great and precise movements when they dance and it’s beautiful

22. Favorite Female Choreography:

- chase me by dreamcatcher; i love this choreography so much? seriously these girls always kill it and i really want them to grow because they really deserve it

- hobgoblin by clc; this was the first female choreography i really really wanted to learn based on the dance other than russian roulette and dumb dumb by red velvet!!

23. Favorite Male Solo Song:

- fire by sik-k; i absolutely LOVE sik-k so naturally i wanted to choose one of his songs so i went though a bunch if my favorite songs of his and settled on fire, it was a very hard choice though cause addict exists and so does iffy but still

- crooked by g-dragon; crooked has always been one of my favorites by GD it just sounds so different and his voice just makes it one of my favorites, middle fingers-up is a close second for GD

24. Favorite Female Solo Song:

- why by taeyeon; idk why i love this song so much but i just do, i also love taeyeon so much like uwu yes, but seriously i really love all of taeyeons solo music as well as snsd

- honey tea by oohyo; honey tea is one of those songs you could listen to in a cafe or on a relaxing walk with your earbuds in just taking in the crisp air. it makes me feel super calm and just in a space where i feel like everything is chill and cool

25. Favorite Non-Kpop Artist:

- luhan; by baby lulu uwu, i’m absolutely a mushy gushy soft mess for that baby, he’s so cute and kinda and his music is just?? great????? what??? i seriously did not even have a second thought about this but some honorable mentions are definitely big time rush, 5sos, kris wu, joji, etc.

- conan gray; where do i bEGin?! his songs are by far some of my favorites. not only is he a great artist, he has this way with his music that is almost melancholic in sound. it sounds so entrancing and crush culture, generation why, and lookalike are some of my favorites^^

26. Favorite Non-Kpop Song:

- imitation by luhan; remember when i said i was gush for this man? i wasn’t joking. at all. i seriously love his voice and i just UGH love him, and this song?? bop.

- honey by lay; this song has taken over my life. i have it on repeat almost every night because lay did so well. it has such a good beat and so easy to just listen to over and over (but not out loud lolol)

Top 10 Groups:

nana:

1. GOT7

2. NCT

3. Stray Kids

4. Ateez

5. Monsta X

6. Day6

7. EXO + Astro

8. Infinite

9. SF9

10. The Boyz

kun:

1. GOT7

2. NCT

3. Day6

4. Stray Kids

5. EXO

6. Astro

7. Monsta X

8. SF9

9. Ateez

10. Seventeen

Top 10 Biases:

nana:

1. Mark Tuan (GOT7)

2. Myungsoo/L (Infinite)

3. Doyoung, Donghyuck/Haechan, Jaemin, Jaehyun, Jeno, Mark, Yuta, and Taeil (NCT)

4. San (Ateez)

5. Hyunjin, Jisung, Changbin, Felix, and Chan (Stray Kids)

6. Brian/Young K (Day6) + Youngmin (ab6ix)

7. Minhyuk (Monsta X), and Hwiyoung (SF9)

8. Chanyeol, Sehun, and Baekhyun (EXO)

9. Minhyuk/Rocky (Astro)

10. Kevin, Changmin/Q, Eric, Jacob, Sunwoo and Hwall (The Boyz)

kun:

1. Yugyeom (GOT7)

2. Dowoon (Day6)

3. Seungmin & Felix (Stray Kids)

4. Jooheon (Monsta X)

5. Rowoon (SF9)

6. Kun + Mark + Johnny (NCT)

7. Yunho + Mingi (Ateez)

8. Sanha + MJ + JinJin (Astro)

9. S.Coups (Seventeen)

10. Kyungsoo/D.O + Chanyeol (EXO)

[ nana; tumblr playlist ]

[ kun; tumblr playlist ]

btw for kun i added my favorite songs by some of the artists she had listed cause i didn’t ask her and i was too lazy so i hope y’all enjoy both playlists if you want to listen to them ^^

[occultexperience-blog]

Marbas made a handicap man walked again. My true story with a Goetic Demon.

I used to be a very fit man. When I was younger, I played varsity soccer and hockey. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with an auto immune disorder, it is a genetic condition, where my body attack itself causing extreme pain. It is chronic and incurable. The pain would elapse in episodes, someday I would be perfectly fine, some days I can't even get out of bed. The pain will keep me from venturing outside, and when I do, I will need clutches. My doctors pretty much given up on me, they write me prescription of pain killers, then hurry me out the door.

My pride won't let me say I am a handicapped person, but the fact remain I am unable to walk.

Not dramatizing  my medical condition here, just giving you a background understanding.

I learn to work from home, so I am doing rather well financially. As well as it can get without actually getting a real job.

Last winter was especially harsh. From mid December until may, I didn't have a day I can walk without my clutches. Even standing up is an exercise of will power. My daily routine really consist of waking up, taking pain killers, falling back asleep. It is really depressing, my life was falling apart.

At the same time, I was learning black magic. Particularly, summoning entities to full fill my wishes. I didn't have a lot of luck evoking spirits. I can't see them, I can't hear them, but from time to time, I can feel wave of heavy energy coming to me. I learn to download and decode those energy as a mean to communicating with spirits.

I was mostly focusing on financial magic. Not being able to work and without a stable source of income, I am looking at a realistic chance of medical bankruptcy. So all my magical efforts have been toward creating financial abundance

While going through the Ars Goetia. I came across President Marbas. According to his Wikipedia page. In demonology, Marbas or Barbas is a demon described in the Ars Goetia. He is described as the Great President of Hell governing thirty-six legions of demons. He answers truly on hidden or secret things, causes and heals diseases, teaches medical arts, and changes men into other shapes. He is depicted as a great lion that, under the conjurer's request, changes shape into a man.

While surfing through youtube, I came across recommendation of his healing properties. So I thought I would invoke Marbas for my legs. I was also rather depressed at the time, so I thought Marbas can help me feel better as well.

So I invoked him. I was learning magic at the time, well, I am still learning, but back then my ritual was really primitive. My ritual consist of lighting a few candles, grab a hold of some crystal, and focus really hard on connecting to Marbas's energy.

And Poof!

Nothing happened

Just like many summoning before and after this ritual, I didn't feel any different. No voices, no visuals, no earth quakes.

I might have invoked Marbas again a few times in general rituals, but I can't remember. Soon after, I forgot about invoking Marbas all together. After all, I was focusing on manifesting money.

Sometime after, I was shopping on E. Bay for supplements. Like vitamins and herbal remedies and stuff like that. I came across a vendor selling bulk supplements in powder form. It look rather sketchy, but one of the item caught my attention.

It is natural peperine. What is that, you ask?

It is a purified pepper. It has natural properties that help alleviate inflammation, it is a natural anti depressin, it also lowers your body's tolerance towards pharmaceuticals. That means it would make the drugs you take more effective.

It sounds like a miracle drug, perfect for my situation. I did much research on the substance, poured through scientific journals and did all my home work. It's been well reviewed with no side effects. It is a natural compound that comes with very little risk.  It was 20 dollars for a few grams, it's a bit pricy but might as well give it a try.

I took it for a few days, and I did feel better. It really clear up my depression, and the lowered tolerance allow my pain killer to work better, I am in less pain.

Miracle.

Then I found an old bottle of C B D oil. It is a natural painkiller made from hemp. The bottle was really small, and for the longest time, I thought I lost it. So I took the C B D oil with peperine powder.

Worked like a charm. A day or two later, my pain was gone. I can walk again. Not an athlete like I was in high school, but I was just happy to go outside.

Yesterday I completed a walk around a local lake. It is a beautiful 4 mile hike in a well maintained natural trail. It's been a few years since I was able complete that trail.

On my way home I remembered that ritual asking President Marbas for help. It had completely slipped my mind. It was as if President Marbas gently tapped my shoulders and said

"How you  like me now?"

Now the skeptic would say I got better because of the drug not because of the ritual. but I think this is how manifestation really work. I don't dismiss the idea that an Angel or Demon would snap a finger and you are healed, but from my experience, they would give you hints and clues, and open a path to your goal, you will have to do your part in the physical world to make it happen.

Adding to the unusual nature of the situation, that E Bay store had been shut down. It was as if it came into being just to sell that batch of drugs.

So that was my experience with Marbas. I don't know if I am cured of my autoimmune disorder, but I am feeling fine right now. Being able to walk anywhere I want is a blessing. I want to publicly thank President Marbas for his help.

I have worked with other spirit before, and in time, I would like to share those stories too.

Looking online, I haven't found a lot of people who have specifically worked with Marbas. There are a lot of talks about him, but very few true story I can count on to reference. Do you have an experience with this entity? Share your experience on the comments below.

One last thing, if you are a youtuber or have another blog, and you enjoyed this story, which is 100% true, please share it on your channel. Marbas would appreciate the attention. Good things happens to people who gain the favor of this powerful spirit.

[softlofty]

I love your writing and I adore ringsy aus, I was thinking what about an internet dating au? If you wanted to write that xxx

When Easy steps into the bar, it’s crowded. The majority of the tables are taken, and there’s a decent amount of people standing by the bar.

He takes a deep breath and stands by the door, scanning the room, fingers twitching to just grab his phone already.

He hasn’t been on a date in years, and in a moment of weakness he downloaded a dating app onto his phone. Easy didn’t even really feel the need to have a relationship, but one day he had looked around and realised everything in his life has been the same for a while now.

Meeting someone new could be a good thing, whether it would be as mates or something more.

The profile of the man he was meeting was one he had liked with a snort, not thinking the guy would like him back, let alone start a conversation. His profile picture looked like a photo taken for a professional portfolio, a black and white photo with the man wearing a suit, his fingers toying with the buttons on one of the sleeves.

Not in any way the average profile. Easy had tapped the heart, mumbling something about a Hugo Boss ad and chuckling to himself.

He had a message from him the next day.

But the conversation didn’t flow easily between them, and the guy’s approach was as business-like as his photo. Any jokes Easy tried to make fell flat, and after a few messages back and forth, Easy stopped getting replies.

He hadn’t thought any more of it, until, after months, he got a single message: Are you free for a drink tonight?

And that’s how Easy finds himself in a bar he has never been to, in a part of town he definitely normally doesn’t visit. There’s too many people walking around and it makes it hard to find the person he’s looking for.

Easy had messaged him, asking what he would be wearing so he would be recognizable, but the guy didn’t give him any clues. “You’ve seen a photo of my face, why would you need to know what I’m wearing?”

Five minutes have passed now and Easy starts to feel uncomfortable and out of place, standing near the entrance on his own, and then a warm hand grabs his elbow.

“I see why you wanted a visual hint.” Easy looks to his side, into the smirking face of his date, and he narrows his eyes at him, but the smile doesn’t waver.

“You have seen the amount of people here, yeah?”

Easy has to raise his voice slightly to make himself clear, and the guy just rolls his eyes at him. He sticks his hand out. “Ringo.” Easy grabs it. “Easy.”

The bar is a lot bigger at the back than Easy initially thought, and he follows Ringo as they sit down at a table there, a much quieter space.

“Did you have trouble finding this place?” Ringo asks as they sit down. Easy shakes his head. “No, wasn’t too difficult. I don’t see this side of town often though.”

Ringo hums. “Yeah, it’s a bit posh around here. I have to come here for work sometimes, lunch with clients and that kind of thing. It’s more comfortable like this though.” Ringo gestures to himself, to the simple shirt, blazer and jeans he’s wearing.

Easy thinks to himself how unfair it is that he looks equally as good in this outfit as he does in a three-piece suit.

A waiter comes and takes their orders, and a few minutes later they’re both sipping on a beer. “I would have thought you’re more the whiskey type.” Easy comments.

Ringo looks at him with surprise, and then there’s a soft smile on his face. “I do quite like whiskey. But I like beer as well, especially when I’m out.”

A silence falls over them, and they both quietly look around the room, taking a swig of their drink every now and then, and sometimes when their eyes accidentally meet, they both smile a little shyly, and Easy can’t remember the last time he felt so giddy.

“So you’re a photographer, right?” Ringo asks, and Easy nods. “Freelance?” Easy runs a finger over the rim of his glass. “Yeah, I prefer it that way. Gives me more variety in the kinds of jobs I do.”

Ringo asks him more questions, about what kinds of shoots he does, which are his favourite, what do his days look like. And then the conversation turns the other way around, and Easy asks Ringo about his job, what he likes about it and what he doesn’t.

They run out of questions after that, and Ringo picks up his glass to take a sip when Easy speaks.

“Can I ask you something?” Ringo gives him a nod.

“Why did you message me again, after not having spoken for a long time?” Easy bites the inside of his cheek. It had been nagging him all day, ever since he agreed to have a drink with him.

Ringo shrugs. “I was about to delete the app and then I saw our chat with your picture next to it, and I wanted to do something about it before deleting it.” There’s a slight flush in his cheeks as he admits that, tentative eyes looking at Easy. “So I did.”

Easy grins, pressing his lips together to not look too smug. “I’m glad you did.”

They step outside about half an hour later, and it’s not too long before they have to go their separate ways in order to get home. “I have to go this way.” Easy says, nodding his head to the left.

“I need to go this way.” Ringo points in the opposite direction. They both put their hands in the pockets of their coats, swaying a little as they have to part but both linger.

“I had a nice time.” Ringo says, and Easy smiles at him. “So did I. I’m up for doing it again some time, if you want.”

Ringo nods at him. “Yeah, I’d like that too.” It stays quiet for a bit, neither of them saying anything, and it goes on for a bit too long so Easy feels the need to start talking again.

“So, I-” Ringo cuts him off, leaning forward and kissing him, knocking their foreheads together as Easy kisses him back after a second of surprise.

Easy tugs on Ringo’s coat, pulling him closer, and he can feel Ringo smile against his mouth. “Save something for the second date.” Ringo whispers teasingly when they part, and Easy grins at him.

“Goodnight Easy.” Ringo quickly kisses him one last time before walking off, looking back every now and then as Easy watches him.

Easy waves, keeps looking until Ringo’s out of sight, and then he feels his phone buzz, so he takes it out of his pocket.

Ringo has texted him a smiley face, after having gotten Easy’s number earlier.

Easy saves his number, and deletes the dating app.