#diagnosed with being in my 20’s tbh

[bi-space-anarchism]

.

[al-luviec]

juvie buddies

[not-poignant]

Im really sorry if this is too personal please ignore me if it is but i saw your post just at the right time and im just, im struggling in my twenties at the thought of possibly having did right now. And you say you "used to", can i ask how you healed?

A lot of therapy, anon.

It does tend to show up in someone's 20s, and I went the path of Internal Family Systems Therapy (also known as IFS or IFST) which is extremely useful alongside the three C's (Compassion, Communication, Co-Consciousness).

I wasn't aiming to eliminate any alters, and anyone who wanted to stay as a separate alter could, but I taught myself through the help of other/s to be self-compassionate, to open up opportunities and methods for communication (which also included art, writing, journalling, etc. in fact the very first tumblr that 'I' ever made was actually made by an alter, and was originally called artforartists - it's now renamed and run by 'me' because Dani has absorbed back into the system, but you can still go to the earliest entries and see her in them.

It took a few years and I didn't rush things. The main thing to know is that while it feels extreme, it usually comes about as a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation, and it usually becomes very manageable with self-compassion (to all yourselves), impartial judgement, open communication, compromise (i.e. if you have an alter that wants to play video games 24/7 to the point that you're losing weeks of memory, find out small areas of compromise where they can be given something in exchange for something), and sharing consciousness where possible (co-consciousness).

It's very scary at first but imho for me personally, it has been the 'easiest' of all of my diagnosed disorders to deal with. I still have severe treatment-resistant depression and I still have severe treatment-resistant PTSD/C-PTSD, but my DID went into remission after about 4 targeted years of therapy. It's now DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) which means I don't have the symptoms enough to qualify for DID anymore, but I still have a system prone to dissociation / derealisation / depersonalisation and I have days where some alters are fronting a bit more than the central self, but I usually just use it as a sign that I'm really stressed and overwhelmed, rather than a sign that there's something wrong with me.

I'm extremely zen about it, tbh. And look, I didn't have the goal of 'absorbing' my alters (or them dying or w/e), I didn't set out with the idea of getting rid of it so much as learning how to live with different people who have different opinions about things in my head. But through the course of IFST and giving everyone a voice, that started to happen anyway. Healing doesn't always mean 'getting rid of alters' it mostly just means getting a handle on the memory loss (which is the most severe part of the disorder for me) and the polarisation so that it becomes regular dissonance and not so distressing it causes someone to switch. A person can be fully healed from DID and still have alters that front, if there's co-consciousness and communication for example. This was actually what I was aiming for, it just didn't end up being my outcome.

You may not be able to access therapy or IFST, and it can be hard to find DID-friendly therapists who know what they're doing, but you can actually look up and explore IFST on places like Instagram and in books like No Bad Parts and start doing the work gently already. (IFST isn't just or only for DID patients, but it is uniquely very well suited to them).

It can be very scary at first, anon, to think you might have this. Because it's a highly stigmatised and misunderstood disorder. At its root it can be understood as 'a child who didn't understand how to cope with something, at the time of personality formation, just developed a new personality to deal with it. But as a result of this, their brain got so good at developing new personalities that it became a maladapted coping strategy, and as an adult they can learn ways to cope that aren't splitting, switching, or losing memory with compassion and self-understanding.'

And honestly we all have a lot of maladapted coping mechanisms and the whole journey of life is learning to unpack them, and repack some healthier coping mechanisms into the lunchbox. And that's really about it. Still very scary and upsetting to go through, but also not a mysterious, "insane" thing. <3333 If you can reach out for help, please consider it, but otherwise do look into IFST. I started working on those strategies long before I found a suitable therapist and I honestly feel like just the mindset of radical self-acceptance and self-compromise and self-compassion was - while extremely hard to do often - the key for me, and some of those things will at the very least be helpful for you.

[leetlbug]

So my "therapists" growing up unofficially diagnosed me with pyromania when i was like 9 i think, they told my parents i'd grow out of it, obviously it's "just a phase" like my sexuality lmao, whatever. They tried doing whatever they could to hide it, it didn't work very well (duh) and tbh I struggled HARD with the whole impulse side of things from like age 11-17, and tbh (again) i didn't expect to actually live into adulthood. Anyway, I'm an adult now, i'm in my 30's, being a child diagnosed with pyromania? ezpz, they'll get over it, HOWEVER, my parents didn't expect 20 year old me to still be out in the middle of the night fucking around and burning shit, or sitting in the back yard and burning shit, and *god forbid* hiding in the bathroom and burning shit in the bathtub, but lmao whatever As an adult? You slip up ONCE and boom, an entire case against you. I thought it was funny, cause when i was "arrested" a few months back, it was a "you obviously don't do this regularly" blah blah, fire bad, slap on the wrist (obviously, very privileged tbh) but like ONE SINGLE mentioning to my therapist and essentially I shouldn't have said anything because she apparently has to report everything we talk about to the state if it "endangers yourself or others" sooooo WHATEVER, I GUESS LMAO. I literally can't talk to anyone about my stupid bullshit impulses aside from a tumblr blog and also my friends, like i'm sure my friends would report something if i really fucked up, but like idk, unless yall on here are out to get me (I wouldn't be surprised) if i ask for help, they deny me care cause i can't afford it or they lock me up. Or they do what they did when i was a child and essentially "pray the urges away" i wish i could like eat an entire box of corn flakes and just not feel the urge to set fires or something, idfk.

[inryokuhime]

so uh

quick life update before i go take a nap

i had a heart echo test done because my doctor heard a heart murmur. i have been diagnosed with ventricular dyssynchrony, a heart defect of the lower chambers not pumping blood correctly. most likely have had this my whole life since was i born 6 weeks prematurely with a heart murmur. which for some reason was ignored because premie babies usually grow out of it. or something, lol malpractice in the 80's or some shit.

the major symptoms of ventricular dyssynchrony are coughing, shortness of breath, fatigue, and swelling of legs. the first three i've pretty much struggled with my entire life, the last one has been a problem since i was like 20.

tbh i'm pissed. to have my health ignored by so many doctors because i was a chubby kid and a fat teen is just unacceptable. i was only ever told to diet and exercise and to stop being lazy. that everything was my fault for becoming obese. this should have been caught when i was first diagnosed with asthma, 30 years ago.

unfortunately since i have gone so long being untreated, the basic fixes for this aren't going to do much, which would be things like steroids and diuretics. but at least i have answers now.

my dad still wants me to think my condition is at least partially my fault for not trying hard enough to be thin. that i was lazy and gave up too many times. probably about time i don't even talk to him about my health anymore if he can't have any sort of understanding or empathy for me.

anyway, thought y'all should know. i'm gonna go sleep a bit now.

[mental-illness-bingo]

Content Warning: Venting about ableism against ADHD and Autism in a book; mentions of emotional abuse, repeated mentions of elitism within the autism community, "corrective" surgery for mental health disorders, demonizing of medication, encouraging young adults to refuse their medication etc. Note that I haven't finished the book yet, but I intend to, so I suppose it could get better, but what it's done already is abhorrent, and I'm grossed out.

Book in question: The Love Letters of Abelard and Lily by Laura Creedle

This. Book. Is. Killing. Me.

I saw this recommended as a "really good book about autism and ADHD" from someone but I *really* hate it so far (I'm on Chapter 27, about 2/3 way through the book) and it's honestly just blatantly ableist in so many ways. I do not know if Laura Creedle is autistic or has ADHD, but if so? Internalized ableism everywhere. If not then yet another neurotypical asshat who wrote an ableist ass book.

Context: Lily is diagnosed with ADHD and Abelard is diagnosed with "Asperger's".

And let's start there. This book was written in 2017, years after the switch from that N*zi doctor's name to Autism Spectrum Disorder. This is problem #1, and the reason is not that they use that word for it. I can and have enjoyed books while suspending my disbelief around the fact that they maybe didn't know because a significant number of people still don't in 2023.

However, Abelard is the poster child for elitism. He is this super smart kid who just so happens to have trouble with verbal conversation, being late, and sometimes being touched. He is worse than the savant trope because he is literally talked about like a genius. He is inhumanly good at chess, robotics, old literature, video games, just everything he touches, really. In fact, despite him supposedly having serious communication difficulties, when he is texting, he is suddenly able to communicate just like anyone else, with occasional long pauses between texts being the only issue he shows.

And his sole meltdown that has been shown is honestly so toxic and borders abusive to Lily. She is late to their date due to her ADHD, something any of us with it can relate to, and Abelard knows about her ADHD in advance as well as having had seen her symptoms multiple times in person. There is 0 way he didn't know about her having ADHD. Anyway, she's a little late (I think 20 minutes or something but I can't remember tbh with you) and he is visibly angry with her, and she immediately apologizes, explaining that her ADHD causes her issues being on time. Rather than be understanding of his girlfriend's disorder the way she has tried to be with his, he pretty much ignores her. His mother babies him about it, working on setting up everything for him and getting them into the movie wherein he seems to relax (but only after forcing his mother to go get popcorn right this instant because they're watching a movie and he needs popcorn). Then, after a bit, his father is trying to explain the movie to Lily and its history and Abe does NOT like people talking during movies. He yells at his dad, who continues to try and talk, and then has the meltdown in question. Lily tries to touch him to help comfort him and realizes immediately she shouldn't have when he makes a noise as though he is in pain. He begins slamming his head off the table, which is reasonably off putting to Lily, and she asks his father for help. His father mentions his mom would usually be here and that Lily "shouldn't have been late", basically accusing her of causing the meltdown even though he kept pushing when his son told him they were watching a movie. Lily panics and exits to the kitchen because she feels helpless and upset that she can't do anything for him.

All of this is relatively understandable behavior, I guess. I don't really love that he yelled at his father and mother both in this scene for normal things because it paints autistic people as unreasonable and irrational, but it is true that sometimes meltdowns are caused by people continually doing normal things that happen to really get under our skin. His parents should know his triggers and avoid pushing them because they are his parents. Lily, on the other hand, is a child and one with her own neurodivergent struggle, and should never in any way have been strapped with the blame both because it is not her job to tiptoe around a boy she has been dating for a few days with triggers no one warned her about, and because the issue at hand is a symptom of her own disorder and is equally as in her control as Abelard's reaction to her being late is in his.

BUT THEN while panicking in the kitchen, Lily breaks something on accident as she often does and tries to leave and Abe's mom makes a whole thing out of it. She becomes physically intimidating to Lily, smashing a glass on purpose to "help" the situation, which obviously makes Lily uncomfortable, and half-threatens her to go back into her son's room even though she wants to go. Throughout the entire next scene Lily mentions in her narration wanting to go home and while I think it's important that Lily learns coping skills outside of running away, it is equally within her right to be too stressed by Abe's reaction to her being late and choose to break up with him. Lily is not required to stay with Abe just because she's the only girl he has brought home, and intimidating her into staying is disgusting.

To Abe's credit, he mentions that his mother used his sob story to make Lily stay. Then he loses 100% of that credit in the most entitled scene I've read in a long time where Lily is pressured to not only stay in that house and in that relationship, but also promise to NEVER be late again even though it is a symptom of her own disorder. She mentions that this seems to be the only way to make him happy and that "promising to try harder is not enough". So, more or less, she is in a relationship where she cannot ever show symptoms of her disorder without him giving her the silent treatment, yelling at everyone around him, and smashing his head into a table.

No one ever mentions at any time during this or after that Abelard also should be learning positive coping skills or teaching her how to help with his meltdowns or anything like that. She should just be expected to never show a symptom of her own disorder so that he doesn't react in a very toxic/honestly kind of abusive way. Cannot stress enough that he does not treat her kindly again until she promises she will literally never be late ever again. Not try - NEVER late again.

Abe strongarms multiple people like this throughout the book. His mother with the popcorn, his father with talking during a movie, his robotics teacher where he literally stands there and repeats "I invited my girlfriend to robotics" over and over again until, despite safety concerns, the teacher gives up and allows Lily to stay if she signs a waiver (which she doesn't read and is not the legal age to sign anyway), and Lily when he wants to tell her something but tells her she is not allowed to speak until he has finished then gets visibly angry (as noted by Lily) when she answers a question he asked her out loud. His meltdowns are used as a threat of sorts to the people around him and a manner of controlling them. It is worth noting I have only in my entire life met one autistic person who did this and surprise surprise, they were abusive and had a history of using meltdown threats to R word multiple people. That is not autistic behavior. It is abuse being hidden behind the excuse of autism, and it's gross in every context, including this book.

So, onto Lily's ADHD. Lily is constantly breaking things, constantly late, runs out of any even slightly uncomfortable situation, does not care about the emotions of her mother or her sister, and is overall a really gross ADHD stereotype. But that's okay! Why? Because she will be fixed via corrective surgery. Yes, you read that right. But let's go into why medication didn't work for her first.

Lily lists throughout the book her hatred of her current and all past medications, of which there is a number she lost count of. Because the author treats this ADHD character like a goldfish who was just given access to a human body for the first time and therefore cannot remember anything (or walk two steps without smashing something valuable), that number could still be relatively small. The book doesn't treat it as a small number though, so we're going to assume she's tried most ADHD medications, and is currently taking an antidepressant as a manner of treating ADHD which is so far in the past as far as treatment goes that I don't even know which medication they're talking about.

The typical antidepressants (SSRI's) are not used to treat ADHD at all to my knowledge, and SSNRI's are only really used if every other form of ADHD medication has failed you and even then are rarely used as far as anyone I know with ADHD. Why? Because there are actual medications that help ADHD, and a good amount of them. Realistically, the concept that 0 of them worked for Lily is statistically improbable. The only antidepressant really used to treat ADHD actively is Bupropion, but the emotional blunting the surgeon Lily sees says is a side effect of her medication is not a side effect associated with Bupropion. In fact, Wellbutrin/Bupropion is often used for people either in combination with or as a replacement for other antidepressants to counteract the emotional blunting they cause.

The demonizing of medication in this book is dangerous. Lily hates every medication because all of them have stripped her of her ability to feel anything positive. The book does not mention any other ADHD character that tolerates medication well, or even speak about it as though it is just not working for her. It does not explain that if Lily went to the doctor and told them her side effects, that they would *immediately* taper and remove a medication that is causing emotional blunting and sui thoughts. The book doesn't mention that this is an abnormal side effect - in fact it's says it's a common side effect of antidepressants. It also treats medication as some sort of weird muzzle that is put on people with ADHD so their loved ones (in this case Lily's mom, sister, and teachers) can tolerate them. The book does not mention any positive effects of any medication for ADHD at all. I hate to think how many kids were made afraid of or resentful of their meds by this book.

The book details specific ways to avoid taking your medication, and even how to hide it so you can (tw sui mention) take them all with vodka to hurt yourself. This is not something Lily attempts in the book, but was just thinking about, and therefore did NOT need to be described in detail. The book even acts like sui watch is stupid and unnecessary, and does not detail the dangers if Lily were to take all of these medications at once with alcohol. So basically they wrote in a non-precautionary sui method for kids with ADHD that also involves months or years of medication non-compliance. Great. /sarcasm

But like I said, that's not the worst of it. What upset me enough to write this whole rant is the next part. Lily's mother finally giving up on the neurologists (which... weird because everyone I know with ADHD was treated by a psychiatrist not ever a neurologist), and going to a literal brain surgeon for some sort of electrodes to be placed in her brain that is supposed to permanently change how her synapses fire.

This is the ableist buffet, and for a while Lily feels the same and by a while I mean 2-4 pages. Then she decides that she will see the doctor if her Mom does something for her, and forgets all about the upset of having her mother feel the need to cure her.

In fact, when Lily meets the doctor, it takes him almost no time to convince her that she not only needs but also wants the corrective surgery, spouting about how she could go to college right now if she does it, when college would not have even been an option before.

It is gross on every single level and I looked up this surgery and ITS FAKE ITS NOT EVEN REAL. This author literally made up a fake corrective surgery for ADHD, I wanna puke.

I literally do not even want to read this for the story anymore I just have to know how much worse it can possibly get. If it's bad maybe I'll reblog and add on to this.

Edit: HOW could I possibly forget Lily's Dad? A total deadbeat who cheated on her mother and ran off to Portland, who was only able to interact with his daughter while actively drinking when he still lived with them, who is constantly switching what he wants to do in his life to the point that he can't hold a job, and who refuses to talk to let alone see either of his daughters in the years since he's been gone because he "can't keep a phone". And why is he like this? As the books tells you very explicitly about 2/3 of the way in, he is like this because he also has ADHD. Lovely. He had this apparently entirely inspired, amazing, never-been-done idea for his dissertation in college. But then he more or less got bored and overwhelmed with the idea so he just dropped it, left college and his family, and ran away to Portland. All because he has ADHD, because the author thinks that's what this disorder is - an inability to have any responsibility or finish anything ever no matter what it is or how important. The author treats ADHD like it's a lobotomy and I hate it here.

Maybe don't read The Love Letters of Abelard and Lily.

Edit: see reblog. It got so much worse, not better.

[edienotsedgwick]

Introduction again

It’s been a while since my last pinned post and a lot has changed. I deleted it cause I decided I wanted a new one.

The basics

My name is Edie

I’m from Aotearoa/New Zealand.

I’m 20

She/her

I’m autistic (likely autHD actually but the ADHD hasn’t been diagnosed yet)

I’m a lesbian

I’m an animation student on the weekdays, a musician and a essay writer on the weekends.

Aquarius sun, Capricorn moon, Aries rising

INFJ

A witch who’s extremely lazy with her craft.

I’ve been on Tumblr since 2014! You may have known me from…

Many cartoon fandoms. Too many to count. (Spanning from 2014-16)

Emo bandom tumblr circa 2017-18. Particularly the Fueled By Ramen/Decaydance bandom.

Early Scenecore tumblr in 2018. (I still have a few selfies and hit posts from then gaining notes).

Britpop/early alternative music bandom 2019-2021

And since then I’ve just kind of been doing my own thing and mainly using this blog as a personal moodboard and an outlet to post ideas I don’t want to share anywhere else. I do post about a lot of things I like, but I’m not tied heavily to fandoms anymore - I mostly just lurk. That being said though, don’t be afraid to talk if you share a particular interest with me. I always need to infodump!

What I post

Stuff I find pretty. This blog is mainly a moodboard. I keep wanting to expand out of it but I always give up at some point.

Stuff that makes my brain go brrrrr! Mainly bands + shows.

Music stuff! I mainly like to post lyrics from songs I’m writing that are a work in progress, and sloppy covers/demos that I feel aren’t polished enough for my other socials. I also do cheeky self promo of my songs that you can already listen to. You guys should stream my E.P ‘Thing Is Me’.

I’ve been aspiring to write long form essays about things I’ve been passionate about for ages. I don’t think I’ll directly post them here, but once I get my Substack up and running you’ll be able to see them getting crossposted here.

Stuff I like

Feel free to talk to me about any of these things cause they’re my main special interests!

Music history from the 60s-2000s. In terms of what specific period I’ve jumped to at the moment, I’m fixated on mid-late 2000s indie music, twee pop of any era (mid 80s-present tbh), + some of my old favourite scene bands lmao. I’ve been nostalgic for them lately.

Skins UK (yes I know how 2014 and sad of me). I’m a Cassie apologist so leave me alone if you think she sucks lmao. That’s my Blorbina and my adopted little sister who’s currently got a song + a Substack essay series being written about her. In all seriousness though, I find this show to be very misunderstood in general.

Sighthounds! I love all dogs in general but the pointy ones are my favourites. I have a Greyhound, he’s my best friend :,) When I move into my own home one day I want to have another Greyhound + a Borzoi!

This is a very casual one of mine but (in case you can’t tell from what I mostly reblog here) I love fashion! My fashion tastes span the same general group of decades that my music history knowledge does. Much like my current music fixations I’ve been inspired by the late 2000s, but what I actually wear on a day to day basis is never one particular style. I mix and match a lot.

bla bla bla DNI time

Don’t follow if…

You meet the typical DNI criteria (no ists or phobes of any kind please! Just basic bare minimum human decency)

No pro ana (one of my special interests being skins + me seeing myself in a disordered character you made the face of your little circle does not give you a pro ana free pass around me. I’m not disordered myself + I ask you don’t follow me because I don’t want to accidentally trigger anyone by letting people of your group in my space.)

Same goes for general S/H blogs!

That being said, if you are already vulnerable seeing me potentially reference any of these sensitive topics in anything I post/talk about don’t follow me for the sake of your own well-being if you know it will be triggering to you. Stay safe ILY. I do try and tag though and you can always ask me to do that if you wish.

No creeps of any kind! Please do not send me anything sexual, or talk to me about anything sexual unsolicited you will be blocked immediately.

Okay that’s everything! If you’re cool I hope you enjoy following me. Please listen to my music. ‘Edie VC’ on every platform if you want to. You’ll like it if you like twee/folk/dream pop Xx

All the tags below are for my interests, aesthetics that people could say match my vibe, as well as my face tag (if you want to know what I look like) and my text tag. Hopefully I can make some cool new mutuals.

[chasing-rabbits]

I turned 30 on Tuesday and I don’t know whilst I know it’s not old it’s more so that I feel very old for where my life is at. Like I don’t feel old old but I do feel I should be further along in life at this age. I feel old in the sense that I’m 30 and still have no idea what I’m doing and don’t have a career or a job and tbh I’ll probably never be employed because of all my illnesses. I am scrambling to try and make something of my life, to try and set up my own business at some point so I can have a job, a career and I know that’s not everything but to me it would be fulfilling and rewarding to be able to have a job and be earning my own money. It’d feel like an achievement because I lost all of that when I had to take time out of university to get assessed/diagnosed with Bipolar and I’ve spent years & years since just trying to get it under control whilst gaining ever more illnesses as the years go by. So I guess the thought of turning 30 was kind of depressing really but I’m trying not to see it that way I mean my mum was always telling me about her cousin who retrained in her 30s or 40s I think to become a midwife. So your never too late I guess it is sad to me because I spent my childhood having to take on the adult role & dealing w/ abuse, trauma etc etc and then I spent my 20’s trying to deal with the fallout of my shitty childhood & all the mental illnesses it gave me. And now I’m 30 and last year I got diagnosed with 2 more mental illnesses (not really surprised though) and only just started EMDR therapy for the CPTSD (although it apparently can help w/ my other shit too) It’s like I’ve moved into a new decade of my life & my shit still isn’t together and I’m still ‘in the trenches’ trying to get my mental health to a place where I can function again and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that. And no I’m not waiting for this perfect moment I’m not expecting miracles in regards to my mental health not at all if anything I’m often pessimistic about the outcomes therapy can truly have on my MH. So when I talk about improving my mental health I’m really talking about the bare minimum you know, to be a semi functioning human being for most of the time I’d take that.

[silvermoon424]

hi katy :)) i’m sure you’ve answered this before, and if you have, you can totally just ignore this ask, but recently i’ve been wondering if i have adhd. i’m a 20 year old woman, and i’ve been diagnosed with anxiety for basically my whole adolescence. in the past few weeks though i’ve learned a lot more about adhd/neurodivergence and i feel like it’s much more accurate to my experience. my only real exposure to adhd is my little brother, who has been diagnosed since he was 12 and behaves VERY differently than i do. if you could possibly detail your experience with adhd as a woman that would really help me out a lot in deciding if i want to pursue a new diagnosis. thanks in advance!!

Hi there!

ADHD/autism/neurodiversity in general can be experienced a lot of different ways by people; it's a very broad spectrum, but there are definitely traits that pop up again and again for a lot of people. Here are some traits I have personally identified as being influenced/driven by my ADHD (or autism, sometimes it's hard to distinguish the two)

Very poor impulse control, especially with money and food

Having poor memory in some areas but excellent memory in others (usually due to how strongly the topic interests me)

Having trouble remembering things (as in appointments, important dates, etc)

Having a very hard time focusing or maintaining focus

Easily distracted

Fidgets often (my fidgets are picking through my split ends and jiggling my ankle)

Needing to take frequent breaks when working/doing chores/etc due to burnout

Needing CONSTANT stimulation; for example, much of my free time is spent listening to Youtube video essays while I color manga, typeset, scan things, etc. Sometimes I do just watch things (especially late at night when I'm tired), but I don't think I could ever do a menial task without having some other stimulation for my brain

Talking to myself

Info-dumping

Being amazing at multi-tasking (but struggling with single-tasking because of the whole "need more stimulation" thing)

Hyper-fixating on things to the point of not realizing I'm thirsty, have a crick in neck, etc

I daydream frequently and have an entire daydream universe (called a paracosm) full of my own OCs and storylines. I'm what's called an immersive daydreamer. Immersive daydreaming/maladaptive daydreaming is its own thing, but from what I've heard people who do it are often also neurodivergent. If you daydream a lot about a fictional universe(s) of your own creation, I would highly recommend looking into this topic.

My brain literally never shuts the fuck up. Ever. I'm constantly thinking about SOMETHING. Even when I'm trying to fall asleep I'm playing with my OCs and paracosm, lol (one of my favorite parts of the day tbh). Because of this I've suffered from insomnia for much of my life. I've been on a sedative that also functions as an antidepressant for many years and it's helped a lot.

I literally just learned that this has a name: Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). People with ADHD are often highly sensitive to criticism and rejection (real or imagined). For my entire life I have been extremely sensitive to being criticized, and all this time it has been a side-effect of my ADHD!

When given a task, I need to be told exactly what to do and how to do it or else it's not getting done. In general I have a hard time "thinking outside the box" and can be pretty oblivious.

Executive dysfunction is a bitch. This also overlaps with depression and autism, but basically I have a literal mountain of projects and hobbies I want do and another literal mountain of shows/anime/movies I want to watch but I can't get past the mental hurdle of actually engaging with them. It's very hard to explain, but it's like even though I want to do them I either don't have the energy, get overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, start doing it and then lose focus/motivation partway through, etc.

That's all I could think of off the top of my head but I'm sure there's more. I feel like every week I discover there's a new way ADHD is impacting my life. Please let me know if you have any other questions!

[ofxiang-archive]

hi hello !! i'm stevie, i'm 21+, my pronouns are she/they, & i'm really excited to be here with you all now that my work schedule is less hectic ! i've had my eye on infinite for a while & finally decided to join in on the fun - with my beloved baby boy, nikolai ! he's the main vocalist for phoenix, a sweetie with a heart of gold, but he also has #issues &lt;/3 pls feel free to dm me for plotting or drop a like and i'll come to you !!

look who’s joining the infinite tour! only nikolai xiang, who is the main vocalist of phoenix. i’ve heard whispers that the 26 year old is pretty cordial but lowkey neurotic. also, doesn’t he remind you of wen junhui?

tw for: substance abuse, death, abuse, homophobia, & mental illness.

background !

nikolai was born in hong kong on july 5th. he was raised there with his two brothers, one younger & one older, who both shared the same passion for music he did. the xiang's weren't a wealthy family, their father absent & an addict, leaving their mother to do p much everything by herself.

his relationship with his family was great, relying on them a lot growing up. their mother, a music teacher at their school & supporting as ever (bless her soul), uplifted & encouraged them to chase their dreams.

he looked up to his older brother a lot, basically idolizing him - desperately trying to follow his footsteps & be as effortlessly cool (as any younger sibling does tbh), even learning dance from him.

out of the 3, nikolai was always deemed most sensitive, taking literally everything to heart. he was a very sweet & outgoing kid, undoubtedly the softest.

things however took a turn when he was 12. both his older brother and mother were involved in an accident, which tragically took their lives. everything changed then, his brother & himself ending up in their father's care.

it forced him to grow up far more abruptly than any child should; he still had his younger brother to take care of. everything nikolai did from that point on was for him. he protected him from their father, never letting him lay a hand on him, basically raising him himself - they were attached at the hip.

when he turned 14, he started a job and began to save up. at this point in time he was already exhibiting symptoms of mental illness & it would go untreated until his early 20's.

some time later, nikolai began to come terms with his sexuality. he stayed closeted for a while, knowing that the people around him (brother excluded) didn't exactly "approve" of homosexuality. just a few months after his 16th birthday, his father caught him holding hands with another boy - the final straw for all of them.

he ended up getting very hurt physically & thrown out, left to the streets without a care. with nowhere to go, he was alone & afraid, but shortly after his brother joined him with the saved up money (and a handful of their dad's), & they headed for seoul to live with a recently reconnected aunt.

career !

nikolai was street cast only a few months after his move, shortly after his younger brother passed his auditions. initially he declined it because he believed his interest in music was gone, but the scouting agent didn't give up on him - showing up to pester him again a few days later. hesitantly, he finally agreed to do an audition & the rest was history.

he didn't understand why they had so much faith in some depressed kid, & would come to realize much later that it probably saved his life. days as a trainee were extremely challenging, especially with not being properly diagnosed or treated for his mental health concerns, but it gave him something to put his energy into, his passion for it quickly reigniting.

after a few years of being a trainee, nikolai was 20 when phoenix debuted !! all the hard work had finally paid off & the group headed for stardom.

he is very much the mood maker of the group ! he also enjoys doing vlives, ig lives, the works - whether he's with the members or just by himself. a lot of the time, he solo streams in the middle of the night, talking to flames centring him & filling a sort of perpetual lonely void. in these middle of the night lives, flames get to see the quieter side of him.

personality !

there are 2 very different sides to nikolai & he's open about both of them. on one hand, he's an extremely warm, friendly & just universally loved guy, known to goof off a bit and let loose while still being respectful. flames consider him very charming, though he doesn't exactly see it himself.

below the surface though is a tired and broken man. his struggles with mental health is a topic that (after years in the industry) he talks about openly & honestly. his group members & those who knew him in his trainee days are most familiar with this side of him, but he's publically an advocate for mental health, and has been vulnerable with his own.

there are times where it noticeably seeps through in things like variety show appearances & group vlives, but he generally does his best to provide the fans with good energy :( over the years he's taken a few month long hiatuses to focus on getting better.

he's still an extremely sensitive person, kind-hearted, & wears his heart on his sleeve. he would give someone the shirt off of his back, no questions asked. taking care of people is just part of who he is. he's the one who wakes up before dawn to cook breakfast for the rest of the members, the first to offer water or a jacket, constantly making sure the people around him are okay.

VERY DRAMATIC. very extra. he's known to sulk easily, & fans eat that shit up even though it's seldom intentional.

he alsoooo is a bit of a party animal. it's fine when done in moderation, here & there, but he's prone to binge drinking & indulging in that sort of behaviour, especially during difficult times. he can be messy, & it's gotten him in trouble with their manager more than a few times, though he's careful not to let it be seen by the public.

[primrosebitch]

My dad is such an interesting person, like he has had such a wide variety of jobs (i'm not gonna mention them to avoid doxxing myself) but i have no clue how he managed that because he went to college then law school and then did lawyering for over 20 years so WHERE DO ALL THE OTHER JOBS FIT IN, like i know one of them was concurrent with the lawyering and one was while he was in college but the others would be very hard if not impossible to do at the same time

And then this man used to take regular all nighters playing a goddamn video without realizing that he was taking regular all nighters, he has since stopped after i pointed it out to him, but like still wtf (one time he stayed up for like 3 or 4 days straight, i don't know how he didn't pass out)

I have no doubt that if he cooked his own food he would eat like a slightly healthier college student, why am i so confident in this you ask. Because when he was making his own food he would take a raw chicken breast, microwave it till fully cooked and then eat it, he did not add anything, he ate plain microwaved chicken for lunch, he did not see anything wrong with this. To add insult to injury he is a great chef, like he's really good at making great food, but he chooses to eat like this.

He somewhat recently got really into pickle ball and i have no doubt that he would play into the a.m.'s if it wasn't for the fact that the lights at the courts turn off and that everyone else leaves then, and by really into pickle ball i mean really into pickle ball, like he bought a good scale to weigh his rackets, he bought special shoes, he got lots of other stuff that i don't know the name or function of.

He once went through a philosophy phase and got really into this one philosopher, i can't say much about this endeavor of his because i am personally very uninterested in the philosopher he liked but i can say that he knew lots about that guy and was talking about him for several months.

He reads scientific journals in his spare time, which isn't weird or anything but in combination with everything else just makes him even more baffling.

When i started drivers ed he told me about how he passed the written part of the driving test, what this man did was he didn't study he took the test, failed, looked over his answers and checked what he got right and wrong, did the test again, failed again, looked over his answers again, did the test a final time, and passed. You were only allowed to take the test 3 times, and my father basically used the first 2 tries to figure out all the answers so he didn't have to study or put in extra work, I did not follow in his footsteps to say the least.

He told this story from when he was in college, he had developed insomnia and so he went to the doctor to help and the doctor asked about if he drank caffeine like coffee or coke etc and turns out my dad had been drinking a diet coke every day in the afternoon and he didn't know that coke had caffeine in it.

Another story from college, he was at a party and was offered cocaine and he decided to taste it (for some reason?) and his entire mouth went numb from just a tiny taste and so he decided not to do the cocaine because of that, i do not understand this man (fun fact, cocaine is a local anesthetic and used to be used in medical procedures before better anesthetics were discovered, so the cocaine numbing his mouth was completely normal)

He's recently gotten into ai like chat gpt and has started to learn to code, this man has so many random skills and knowledge.

It took him 56 years to find out he has adhd, i got diagnosed years before him, i have no clue how he didn't find out sooner because he presents pretty typically (ex losing his keys and them being found in the kitchen sink, the varied interests that change semi frequently, losing track of time, losing stuff often, forgetting to do stuff like he puts stuff on the stove and then it burns because he forgot about it, etc etc), tbh i had assumed that he had adhd and it was like a known thing that just didn't come up in conversation before he came home one day saying that he just found out he had adhd.

There are probably more stories about my dad that i don't remember at this time, so i might post them if i remember them, but i hope my fathers antics entertained you, my dads great but he's also weird as hell lol

[darlingkara]

Nevermind the loose dirt. It's my 99 cent grocery store plant rescue that I am trying to save via better soil/re-potting and with bread ties, and my little tiny espresso. The stems were brown when I got it, but I don't think she is gonna make it. Taken a few days ago, but seemed like good photo for this post.

I woke up WAY too early. Again. I either stay awake for like 25 hours, and sleep 8, or the usual 16 hours and sleep about 4 hours. I have had 3 sleep lab tests done (albeit years and years ago) when I kept falling asleep. This was before I had this weird habit I have now. I slept normally back then. Diagnosis: Narcolepsy and non-24 hour sleep cycle (Circadian Rhythm Disorder?). I was a bit blown back, to be honest, especially by Narcolepsy. And guess what? The MD had to report it to the DMV, if I did not. If you have a driver's license, it is stated on it AND you have to be medicated while driving. The medicine was Dexedrine, or pretty much @mphetamine. Makes sense-- Can't be falling asleep while driving. I stayed awake, and my depression lifted. Any MD's reading this-- Please consider it for treatment resistant depression. I never felt hyper on it (I felt nothing, tbh) which would of course, lead me to being diagnosed with ADHD*.

So now, I am an unmedicated ADHD and sleep disorder gal of a mess, hahaha. But I am happy, or at least content. I think it has gotten better, or I have learned how to deal with it. I could not do now what I did in my unmedicated 20's-- Full time school, full time job and a kid. Nope. I have ZERO idea how I did it. The narcolepsy mostly went away. I WILL fall asleep at the theatre, so don't bother inviting me, especially in Plague Era that 99% of people refuse to admit still exists. And it is 50/50 in any dark situation, regardless of how well rested I am.

Luckily, I can now work when I want (other than 2 days a month), and do not have to drive. I do have to set an alarm for three days out of the week for class (it is used as a take a shower and get ready alert bc I keep waking up before it, lol), but luckily it isn't early. I LOVED driving, btw, and I loved cars. But as an American, what else are you supposed to do? Tangent, but... I would re-do SO much in the USA if given the chance. Like...Public transport and social housing. These are looked down upon in the US, which makes it seem SOOOOO odd to me now. Plus the whole gun thang. Sorry, but I will never change my mind. The 2nd Amendment was written for MUSKETS. We have drones now. If you feel the need to open carry a weapon of death to the grocery store, there is something wrong with you. Sorry, not sorry.

I am not exactly against hunting (if you do it for food, not sport). When I was about 12, we moved** to a mostly hillbilly area (not making fun of them-- I mostly like them dern hillbillies, and one of my BF'S was one since I was TWELVE... Though I have not been able to find her since 2021 or early 2022. Covid or went Trump, I do not know. I will continue my search. Her having the most generic name in the English speaking world does not help)). And well, my first look at hunting was not pretty. Dead deer legs, sticking out of truck beds. Like, everywhere. People told me this was normal. I literally vomited and remember thinking and saying, out loud at lunch, ''The fuck, this is NOT normal. Throw a TARP over it, for Christ's sake.''

*Btw, girls and women are SO good at hiding ADHD. We are typically not hyper or rowdy. If we are, it is within our safe spaces, with friends. If your sister/mom/gf/wife tends to forget things you have told her, seems unorganized or stressed over little things, gets bitchy before leaving the house with you, look into it first and do not get upset.

**I was not an Army Brat, but my family did move a lot (6 times, to different states), and it was not because of financial instability. Yes, my parents worked for the government, but not in any military way. So--I learned a new term-- TCK-- Third Culture Kid (also applies to adults). We are GREAT at fitting in anywhere, more empathetic, less racist (bc sometimes, even being white, people are racist if you are the minority. Trust me, I know personally, and it was horrible), tend to attend university more (not saying all should).. But of course there is a catch.

We probably have attachment disorders on all sides. I didn't get the overly attachment type, luckily. If anything, I need help attaching. And I do not have ''the itch'' to move. As an adult, I rented the perfect house for me and my minion at the time. Great school district, fenced in (by chicken wire on one side for most of the time) backyard, walkable to the downtown area in 3 mins, and I was allowed to plant a garden and paint, etc. I did have to mow the effing backyard when my weirdo neighbor went away every summer. Fucker never told me when he was leaving, but the grass length did. I lined the fences with gladiolas and ivy and had a gas BBQ and a nice table and umbrella. I would let my kitties out every now and then, but only when I was there-- they could escape if they wanted to. One was a serial killer, not even kidding. A Persian, fluffy, serial killer. I got minion*** a slip and slide, hahahaha... We threw some pretty good backyard parties. All of my neighbors were snobs. Like Harvard asshole snobbery. Anyway, I lived there the longest-- almost 11 years. My landlord wanted to sell it, and it was sold within about a month and a half. THAT SUCKED and was not expected... Thought I had about 5 or 6 months.

I had to go live with my mother, as she lived in the school district minion was in. Worst decision of my life. I love my mother, and she was really a great mother, but something went CRAZY in 2002 and again in 2014, that I am not yet capable of discussing on a public forum. Thinking of substack. Like a $4 a month thing. This is shit that horribly affected my life, and I needed therapy for-- as an adult. Shit that when I think about, even 8 years later, I still tear up. And I am NOT a cryer. As a mother, she was awesome! She told me to avoid beauty magazines, taught me how to plumb and do home repair, said chose your religion when you are an adult if you want to, and sooooo much more. My father was really great, as well. They stayed married for FAR too long. I think I was about 25 when they got divorced, but it was over my mom being selfish with her health insurance and cutting my dad off. He had a disabling heart attack when he was 42, and died in 2007. My mom cutting off his health insurance was fucking brutal.

The dude was ALWAYS on my side. So, I still say hello from time to time to my mother. Most importantly, I talk to minion, but he is busy working and crushing on some girl, his best friend's girl. They work together and he hates his job. He is waiting for her to give the okay for them to both leave and work somewhere else. I said DO NOT WAIT FOR ANYONE--- EVER!!! He sent me a pic of her and said that sometimes she drinks too much and gets sexual. I was like OMG.

She looks like me and that is what I did when I was younger. Freud, are you out there? It's me, Kara.

And I have lived here the second longest.

And I want to die and be buried here. Every year, there is a free concert, ranging from classical music to rock music, held at the cemetery.

5-30K people can come listen to music, drink a bit, dance, and have fun. That the cemetery I would like to be buried in.

If that is morbid to you, you are not invited. :)

***Minion is now an adult. I am not worried about his financial future (everyone born after The Boomers got fucked, let's be honest)because luckily, I am a Black Sheep, and he will get my inheritance. Good for him! Since I am 34-99 years old (haha), I will not tell you how old he is. Yes, I was married and he was planned. I was TOO young-- but when your spouse made $80k a year in the early 2000s, you figure, nice, I will just raise minion, and then finish school. That did not happen the way I had it planned. The ex husband is still wealthy and lucky, and it pisses me off. If you knew the full story, you would understand. Let's just say that one brutal character mentioned in today's blog had a lot to do with it, including my parent's divorce. I swear it is not some Jerry Springer shit, and they did NOT bang, and luckily, my father and I were together when we found ''the letters''. The Brutal one would end up doing MUCH worse things than having feelings for her daughter's husband, and yeah-- it is personal.

Life is 50% unplannable. I do believe in luck, and I do believe in you get what you give, although I LOATHE woo woo pseudoscience bullshit.

I will NOT be camming tonight. My theatre thing begins tonight. It is only once a month. Last week, I couldn't have a schedule because I still have periods, which are very predictable, but this every 18 days shit is a bit new. Usually its every 25 days, abnormal is under 23 days in between periods. Went to the dr, had hormone levels taken. Good news-- I am NOT an alien. Bad news is that the tests prove pretty much nothing. I am having about 5 more periods a year than normal-- so about half the year. Great. Of course I now have to a dailytake high-ish dose iron supplements. I believe I have peri or pre-menopause which literally NO ONE talks about, yet it affects HALF of the population. And pre or peri-menopause is WORSE than menopause. Menopause is easy street, so I have learned. Some days I am nice and patient, other days I want to bite your face off. Sometimes I am horny, sometimes I seem asexual. When my roommate/ex bf of like 12 years (No, we do not bang and maybe once a month I fall asleep in his room watching a movie), DARES to shut MY room's window or turn off MY fan, especially if I am sleeping and wake up hot, I am literally thinking:

''I could kill you, and if half the jurors were women 35+, it would be an excusable homicide.'' I am not a violent person at all, btw, in any way or sense. I am learning as I go along. Surprise, surprise, there is not a whole lot of research on it. Reddit's Menopause has been a Godsend.

In the one racist area I lived in, I was ''jumped'' by 3 or 4 girls who basically PLAN attacked me, outta the blue. I won. All almost 5 feet of me. I learned about adrenaline and JFC, I get strong and mean if I think I am gonna die. I kicked dirt into their eyes and kicked their throats. How fucked up is that? I was maybe 11 years old. I did not and do not know how to fight. Is is something instinctual? I have no idea and too many research topics as it is. All I knew was that there were three of them, one of me, and they were larger and taller than I was.

Anyway, off to shower and go to my classes. Idk if I will cam after the theatre or not.

And you would not believe what I found when I took out the garbage, shortly after writing this (within the hour). It is not a popular name here, afaik. I will post it on Twitter @DarlingKara.

[jasmineiros]

YaYa's life updates:

Sister & I were finally able to move out, thank God. We had lots of issues on the way, specially due the fact mother & father kept sending messages threatening and offending us in all sorts of ways. This lead us to heavy emotional overload & we will still take a while to totally de-stress. Like, when you're called a thief & a whore by your own mother you kinda have the confirmation there is not such thing as unconditional love the presence of a mother promises & you end up asking yourself if it was ever present at all.

Father is currently in a dangerous health condition. Technically he is...dying. He is currently on life support, actually. He lost both kidneys some months ago and being diabetic didn't help. He actually never took care of his health, never ate properly and always in excess and always excelled in alcohol consumption as well. You can consider him some sort of long term suicidal, since he never really cared about being actually loving with his own body and health.

I am not sure how to feel about this. My half brother was freaking out once he got the news since he seemed more attached to him but I don't really feel the grief and sadness a daughter would normally feel. He left us at a young age and visited us seldom. I always felt uncomfortable around him due to his violent and unpredictable behavior and used to come up with excuses not to meet him. He committed way more wrongs than rights and many of these wrongs are borderline criminal. But even so I wouldn't wish that for anyone. I wouldn't wish for this kind of end and even less, to have to live inside a mind like his. I don't really know what I'm rooting for tbh.

Still about family, I don't really talk to my young half-sister anymore since I deemed her not trustworthy. Her mother once was our (me and my sister's) stepmother and she never really liked us. I can say we and this half-sister had a more or less healthy relationship until her mom came up with stuff about us and since she's a minor there's not much to do. So I decided to cut ties.

I don't really speak to any members of my family since they somewhat are omitting themselves from what my mother did to us or are just taking her side. It is an isolating situation, which makes me wonder if I'll ever recover of this emptiness I feel when it comes about family matters.

On a brighter note, my sister finally got a job. We don't know for how long since it is kinda freelancer but we will be able to get by for a while.

On a self-discovering note, I was diagnosed with both ADHD & autism, pretty much as my sister. I still don't know how to feel about this. I was pretty sure about the ADHD but not the autism. It explains most of my behavior and feeling of isolation throughout my life but at the same time I wish somehow I could know that before my late 20's.

For now that is it, thank you for coming to my TED talk 🙏🏼🌷✨

[camp-counselor-life]

agirlnamedafteraseason replied

hi first off I’m neurodivergent myself so I have definitely noticed my non verbal learning disorder makes social interactions kinda difficult so I get the whole not being great with social advice thing so no worries about that. As a camper I did really well being involved within camp and the social scene for the most part but towards the end of the night I needed my own space and just time to recharge and my counselors I think understood that, keep in mind I didn’t get diagnosed with nvld until I was 17 and a senior in high school and I’m turning 20 this year but if I had gotten my diagnosis early I think it would of helped a lot socially at camp. As a jc though during our training weekend prior to camp I had a really hard time connecting with the other jc’s for a multitude of reasons but I got along with all of them. Fast foward to jc week I found myself being the odd one out of my Jc group it seemed and I felt a disconnect and I don’t know why that happened. Going into this year I had a much better time at our training weekend thing and felt much more in my comfort zone and made new friends. The issue is the majority of my Jc group all aged out together as cit 2’s so I’m like a outsider almost and in the group chat I’m just feeling kinda weird like what happened last summer. I think having nvld is definitely making it harder but you’re right I’ll try your tips. I actually have a meeting with my camp director and a staff member who is in charge of the jcs tomorrow so I’ll let them know my concerns and ask for advice on how to feel more involved within the group so this year is better for me. I really struggled last year but this year I’m determined to have a better summer. Thank you for taking time to respond and validate my feelings and sorry my question and responses are so long.

Ok, so, I hear you about the neurodivergence making a difference. It's made it difficult for me to bond with fellow staff at camp, as well as now in adult life outside of camp. My parents never told camp staff, and tbh I didn't share my diagnosis at work until mid-way through the pandemic.

I do think that chatting with your camp director and staff member is a good idea. They can better support you on the ground at camp. They'll know more about the dynamics of this group of JCs too, because at least the camp director has probably seen them together.

Try your best, but be kind to yourself with whatever you do accomplish. Like I said, it's ok to not bond entirely with this group, or to bond more with a small amount of people. I wish you a wonderful summer and hope that it's better for you this time.

I’m a second year junior counselor at my camp and I’m two to three years older then the first year jc’s I’m working with this summer. Last summer I was more close in age with my Jc group but even then I was feeling a disconnect between me and them. Like I was a cit 2 with a good majority of them and the others I already knew as well but I felt a disconnect between all of us and I felt very left out. Now I’m trying to bond with my Jc group before our camp week but I’m feeling like I’m grasping at straws to connect with them and not be the super annoying second year. I don’t want to feel left out again but I don’t know how to connect with people that I’m so much older then and haven’t really known in the past but have to jc with this summer. For reference I’m much closer in age with a lot of the staff then the jcs but covid screwed up me going on staff when I was supposed to and I really struggled last summer as a jc so I’m doing it again. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Hi friend,

First, let me say, as an autistic person, I am maybe not the best to be giving social advice. What I can speak to is the camp environment, so here's my suggestions.

It is ok to not connect with them prior to camp. Participate in conversation on whatever medium you're using, but don't try to force it.

When you get to camp, it is ok to start with 1-2 people that you know better and work your way out in socializing. Getting to know just one person well will be super helpful.

Just like with making friends and socializing in the "real world," you should practice active listening and ask open ended questions. However, you should only start more in depth conversations when it's an appropriate time. Appropriate times: time off (not resting or trying to rest), meals during training (if you have that)/away from campers, downtime at training. Not appropriate times: during training sessions, with campers, the exception to that being when you're doing get to know you games with campers.

I think that it's important to still be yourself. If you try to force yourself into a box, you'll falter or stumble at some point, and it's hard to recover after half truths and lying.

As much as it sucks and hurts, it is ok if you don't make a quality connection with your fellow JCs. It sounds like you're young enough that a couple of years makes a huge difference in life stage and maturity. Sometimes that's just hard to overcome. Try, of course, but be gentle with yourself if it doesn't work out.

It's hard for me to give more specifics without knowing about your JC program, as it sounds different than ours.

Take care and have a great summer.

[sisterssafespace]

Asalaam alaikum.. can you advise on how to deal with anxiety?

و عليكم السلام و رحمة الله و بركاته 🤍

أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم

بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم،

ٱذۡهَبۡ إِلَىٰ فِرۡعَوۡنَ إِنَّهُۥ طَغَىٰ (24) قَالَ رَبِّ ٱشۡرَحۡ لِي صَدۡرِي (25) وَيَسِّرۡ لِيٓ أَمۡرِي (26) وَٱحۡلُلۡ عُقۡدَةٗ مِّن لِّسَانِي (27) يَفۡقَهُواْ قَوۡلِي (28) وَٱجۡعَل لِّي وَزِيرٗا مِّنۡ أَهۡلِي (29) هَٰرُونَ أَخِي (30) ٱشۡدُدۡ بِهِۦٓ أَزۡرِي (31) وَأَشۡرِكۡهُ فِيٓ أَمۡرِي (32) كَيۡ نُسَبِّحَكَ كَثِيرٗا (33) وَنَذۡكُرَكَ كَثِيرًا (34) إِنَّكَ كُنتَ بِنَا بَصِيرٗا (35) قَالَ قَدْ أُوتِيتَ سُؤْلَكَ يَا مُوسَى (36)

24. Go to Pharaoh; He has transgressed.” 25. He said, “My Lord, put my heart at peace for me. 26. And ease my task for me. 27. And untie the knot from my tongue. 28. So they can understand my speech. 29. And appoint an assistant for me, from my family. 30. Aaron, my brother. 31. Strengthen me with him. 32. And have him share in my mission. 33. That we may glorify You much. 34. And remember You much. 35. You are always watching over us.” 36. [Allāh] said, "You have been granted your request, O Moses

ٱذۡهَبَآ إِلَىٰ فِرۡعَوۡنَ إِنَّهُۥ طَغَىٰ (43) فَقُولَا ��َهُۥ قَوۡلٗا لَّيِّنٗا لَّعَلَّهُۥ يَتَذَكَّرُ أَوۡ يَخۡشَىٰ (44) قَالَا رَبَّنَآ إِنَّنَا نَخَافُ أَن يَفۡرُطَ عَلَيۡنَآ أَوۡ أَن يَطۡغَىٰ (45) قَالَ لَا تَخَافَآۖ إِنَّنِي مَعَكُمَآ أَسۡمَعُ وَأَرَىٰ (46)

43. Go to Pharaoh. He has tyrannized. 44. But speak to him nicely. Perhaps he will remember, or have some fear.” 45. They said, “Lord, we fear he may persecute us, or become violent.” 46. He said, “Do not fear, I am with you, I hear and I see.

Surat Ta Ha (20) - طه 🤍

Dear sister, I found myself starting with these two passages that are of my absolute favorite passages in the holy Quran in general and in Surat Ta Ha in particular because in my mind when I hear the word anxiety it always connects to surat Ta Ha or what I love to call my anti-anxiety pill. Alhamdulillah.

Now why these passages? It might not be known or talked about a lot, but these verses are a proof that prophet Musa (as) had anxiety. In these verses, Allah swt orders him to go speak to the pharaoh, arguably the most tyrannizing criminal that this earth has seen. This task spikes prophet Musa's anxiety and in the first passage he asks Allah swt to (relax his chest) put his heart at peace and ease his affairs, then he requests support from a family member, his brother Harun (as) - and it is also interpreted that prophet Musa (as) had speech impairment, he has problems in his speech? Thus the " untie the knot from my tongue " duaa he made for Allah swt, so he needed to be also backed up by his brother. Can you imagine the amount of anxiety he must have been feeling and going through? Not only the Lord of the Worlds was directly speaking to him ( a surreal supernatural experience ) but also He swt was giving him such a BIG task! I mean sis! I have a thesis I need to finish and it feels like there is a mountain sitting on my chest 24/7, even when I sleep at night I have nightmares about it. And whenever I have to make an important phone call or go into the principal's office at work, I get the whole rapid heartbeats, stomachache, joint pain, shaky voice and whatnot. You know the drill.. Anyways, back to Musa (as), so what does Allah swt say? He swt doesn't tell him that he (Musa) is crazy or delusional, He swt doesn't accuse him of lack of faith, or of being dominated by the Shaytan's waswasah (whispers) like these now Shaykhs throw at us. He swt is the all-knowing, the most just, the most fair, the most merciful and the most gracious. He swt not only acknowledges prophet Musa (as)'s fear and immediately reassures him and calms his heart : you have been granted your request! " Ya Allah.. this gets me every time wallahi.

You know what's the thing we need the most when our anxiety hits? Reassurance. Full stop. Reassurance silences all the voices inside our heads, calms us down, puts our hearts to ease. And what a better place to get reassurance from other than Allah swt?

And Allah swt does it again, further down in the Surah, when faces with the task again prophet Musa (as) voices his worries again, and Allah swt doesn't get fed up with him, doesn't accuse him of being a coward or annoying.. He swt patiently assures him that He swt is with him and with his brother, He swts hears and listens. I once heard a tafseer for this verse that compares it to a mother's love, when her child goes out to play and she will reassure them by saying she is around not far away she could see them from the window and hear them if they need anything. How comforting, sübhanallah.

With that being said and clarified, let me cut to the chase before the post gets too long.

The first step to dealing with your anxiety is to actually accept it. Never be ashamed of it. It is something that even a high-ranking prophet experienced. It is not a sin, it is not your fault, it is just the way your brain is wired. And it is something that Allah swt is testing you with. And the first step to pass your test is to actually acknowledge and accept it. For me, it felt like my whole life made sense the moment I was diagnosed with anxiety. When my therapist actually uttered the words, which wasn't a long time ago, I felt so sorry for all the girls that I have been, throughout the different stages of my life whom had to struggle and push through the pain, the dilemma, the countless anxiety attacks and made it through without actually knowing what they had, while being called crazy, gaslit, disregard, attacked, humiliated, mocked, bullied, etc.. for something that they didn't do nor did they understand. So my first advice to you is to befriend your anxiety, you win nothing by fighting it and making it your enemy. On the contrary, she (oh trust me it's a she, lmao) is a part of who you are, to the point that it could define some of your personality traits, she lives in your head rent free, she is not going anywhere anytime soon, so you better make peace with her. Rejecting, hating, attacking, blaming your anxiety will only make it worse.

Another basic advice is to actually study it, learn it, identify your triggers, be in tone with your body, pay attention to your mood changes, your heart rate, the stomach pain, or whatever symptoms you experience, and identify the act or event or task that generated and triggered those symptoms. That's how you find your triggers, and then next time when you anticipate that thing, you could go through it in your head, you could rehearse or make plans, you could take all your precautions and whatnot.

As for remedies, I am no therapist, so I am not allowed to prescribe anything, but I do take pills myself when necessary. God knows sometimes it gets too much. Breathing helps. Deep thorough breaths from the tummy, they can help calm your heartbeats.. if when you feel anxious about something you would have the time to read some Quran then please do it, it really calms you down and distracts you from the problem even momentarily. Umm, you can listen to your comfort audio (be it a quran recitation or something like I have already mentioned in the post earlier today), talk to someone who makes you comfortable, whether a parent, a partner, a sibling, a best friend... and finally, I will give you my therapist's golden tip: if it doesn't work, ASK FOR HELP.

And eventually, always go back to Allah swt, the source of all comfort, the source of all reassurance and the source of all good. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Allah said, 'I am to my slave as he thinks of Me, (i.e. I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him). So always try to think (after you are done freaking out 😅) that Allah swt has got you, and that probably all the bad things that you are scared of won't even come true. Allah swt is the most merciful and the most gracious, He swt is the best of planners and no one has out best interest more than the Pne who created us. Alhamdulillah.

Tbh, I could go on about this for days, but I think I have written the longest answer for an ask in the history of Tumblr. So imma stop here.

I will leave you with 3 very meaningful duaas that are supposed to be recited in the morning and evening adhkar, try to incorporate them in your daily routine, and you will soon notice the difference, bi idhn Allah :)

- بسم الله الذي لا يضر مع اسمه شيء في الأرض و لا في السماء و هو السميع العليم ×3

In the name of Allah with whose name nothing is harmed on earth nor in the heavens and He is The All-Seeing, The All-Knowing. x3

حسبي الله لا إله إلا هو عليه توكلت وهو رب العرش العظيم ×7

Allah is sufficient for me, none has the right to be worshipped except Him, upon Him I rely and He is Lord of the exalted throne. x7

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ الْعَافِيَةَ فِي الدُّنْيَا وَالآخِرَةِ، اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ الْعَفْوَ وَالْعَافِيَةَ فِي دِينِي وَدُنْيَايَ وَأَهْلِي وَمَالِي، اللَّهُمَّ استُرْ عَوْرَاتي، وآمِنْ رَوْعَاتي، اللَّهمَّ احْفَظْنِي مِنْ بَينِ يَدَيَّ، ومِنْ خَلْفي، وَعن يَميني، وعن شِمالي، ومِن فَوْقِي، وأعُوذُ بِعَظَمَتِكَ أنْ أُغْتَالَ مِنْ تَحتي ×1

O Allah, I ask You for pardon and well-being in this life and the next. O Allah, I ask You for pardon and well-being in my religious and worldly affairs, and my family and my wealth. O Allah, veil my weaknesses and set at ease my dismay, and preserve me from the front and from behind and on my right and on my left and from above, and I take refuge with You lest I be swallowed up by the earth

P.s. you should know that I have written this answer for hours, taking as many breaks as my heart and my mind needed. I hope I managed to make a good enough answer for you 🤍.

May Allah swt calm your worries, and grant your heart sakinah and reassurance. Ameen.

Stay safe my dear, and don't hesitate to talk to me whenever it gets too much.

- A. Z. 🍃

[lordxgrinnyxboy]

watching london tgm! pt 2!

they actually carry clarence in in his coffin????

Kupsak sounds Different

OOOOOOOOOOH THAT WAS OSRIC’S VOICE THAT DID THE “Will our land at last be free” LIKE THE LINGERING ECHOES OF THE TRELAW SPIRIT. NICE.

the voice he used leaves me with no doubt he could’ve been another amazing Gwynplaine.

“Get out” WAS OSRIC LITERALLY THERE DID OSRIC STRAIGHT UP GO BUST A FUNERAL

 OOOOH IT’S THE TRELAW REBELLION NOW. SPECIFICALLY THE TRELAW REBELLION. THE REBELLION BELONGING TO TRELAW.

for just a second i was living in a world without Barkilphedro but there he is, man, there he is. i was surprised to see him.

ooooh. oooooh “Angelica has not emerged from her chambers for almost exactly 20 years, during which time, she has not uttered a single word” WHAT?

DON’T SEND SPIKE TO GO GET HER WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU

off topic but getting back to the previous post if the “father she’ll never see” was part of the inscription and Ursus gave it to her then he’d know about it so it can’t be that did the MOM get her a necklace that said she’d never see her father??? was the mom like “ope we gotta pack up and sail away without your dad but lemme get you a cool trinket first” or was there no inscription and Ursus is just assuming that it was the dad who gave her the necklace but it was actually the mom and the mom got a necklace for Dea without telling Ursus but hold up aren’t they poor? wouldn’t somebody have known? do they have separate bank accounts? did the mom say “well I got our unborn child a present but it’s a surprise you’ll find out later” why a necklace that says “dea”? did the mom name her without consulting Ursus? how’d she know wh-? was she going to name the baby ‘Goddess’ regardless of gender? (valid?) was she asking a goddess to protect the baby??? did she have the baby, immediately go get her a little trinket, and then freeze to death? was ‘Dea’ a deliberate move or was it just the last name trinket in the shop? Were all the  “Makynzeiye” necklaces taken? I Have Questions About This Necklace

anyway

the other version always makes me feel almost like Barkilphedro murdered the king himself. i don’t get that so much in this one but i do get the impression he Knows What He’s Doing with this speech and is Doing It On Purpose. Having A Good Time, as it were.

angelica????

oh my

“SWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE” uhm

b-bird noises?

ooh she’s actually. calling out the corruption of her father. good girl angelica.

“I will make this country great again” did they. have. to say that. did they have to. was it necessary. why make me think about that man. why do that to me. london has no rights u-u

wHAT we’re back in the cart? No JoJo?

london gets rights for the fact that Gwyn’s crouching. that is a very good crouch sir, perfect.

“with mojo and father...GAH” oh gwyn :(

that hit him so hard so sudden like :(

FIDDLIN WITH THE BANDAGES IS CANOOOOON IT’S CANOOOOOOOON I AM VALID! I’M VALID! I KNEW IT! I THOUGHT SO! YES. YES. WOOHOO

gwyn your arm

the drama of that dismount. the delicate self-yeet. incredible.

WHY IN HEAVEN’S NAME IS YOUR SHIRT TUCKED IN YOU STOP THAT THIS INSTANT

“please help me find” gwyn what is she supposed to do, google it?

CROUCH

oh here we go

that was terrifying jojo

jojo that was terrifying

the dance is. worse.

pleeeease no please no please no pl

where did she get that

i am scared for my life rn

JOJO STOP

ohhh i’m dreading Brand New World. can’t believe i’m gonna have to watch Gwynplaine Trelaw literally be killed for sport. she’s gonna snap him like a twig 😭 

JOJO I AM BEGGING YOU TO PUT THAT DOWN

i am so scared of this jojo i am so

oh JOJO’S gonna offer to make the scuttling dream a reality???

book canon right there

😱😬😭

in this one she literally warns david personally to his face he’s got no excuse let’s go david wygd

but sure let’s go to the fair

i don’t hate this david but he’s like the mellow, zero-energy edition.

he bouncin

he’s turned into a starfish???

i hate Bristol!Jojo’s costume so bad but dang if i haven’t gotten used to it and now this one’s a little weird

i’m not strong enough tbh

dirry-moir just crouched and i’m gonna have to sue for copywrighte on gwynplaine’s behalf. i’ve apparently lost my ability to spell

idk man these people are just incredibly scary

oh thank goodness that part’s over

london!gwyn looks like a hobbit that’s been stretched out. like a screenshot of Mr. Elijah Wood in Unexpected Journey, but it’s been pasted into MS Paint and then stretched out a bit and then squished down and stretched out again and somehow pasted back into the movie.

i am genuinely so grateful we get another cart scene. i need time to recover from never seen a face.

the dynamic feels different in this version

awww the shoulder pat :3

this Gwyn is a whole other person. he’s both Calmer and More Wound Up. at the same time.

😭 he just 😭 literally choked 😭 i can’t 😭 he just fell right over 😭 wilted like a flower 😭 howm i supposed to cope with this 😭 

Don’t pat him so hard Ursus for pity’s sake DX

aw we’re not doing Born Broken in front of an audience this time? rights are evaporating.

is Gwyn even alive rn i think he straight up died

did he take the medicine yet?

Ursus are u touching his face?

HE’S HAVING A WHOLE SEIZURE

What Was That Move

i have lost my ability to exhale

i think Gwyn’s doing a physical impersonation of a fish being mercilessly dragged from a lake by a grappling hook thrown from a moving speedboat

i do like how Ursus crouches down to their level while they’re on the ground

love how Mojo looks over like “are y’all seeing this”

LOOK AT THE SMILE OF YOUR MOTHERL

THAT’S WHY URSUS FREAKIN SNAPS

Ursus is holding Gwyn by the wrist and just shaking his arm as punctuation like “I CANT tell you ANYthing you DON’t already KNOW” URSUS STOP

GWYN TRIED TO PULL AWAY AND URSUS YANKED GWYN’S ARM

URSUS YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS

i mean i always thought the near hysteria was valid and acceptable but you know what Gwyn is MORE than allowed the “NOOO NOT TODAY” line. he can HAVE IT. understandable. he did nothing wrong.

someone’s drinking a beer

i’m sorry but the way he just climbed through that curtain was hilarious

it’s too calm. mr. maskell you’ve got three seconds to lose your damn mind and go absolutely OFF

BOING BOING BOING BOING BOING

CLAP

twinge

this one doesn’t have enough hysteria but it gets points for being even more boneless

lost an elbow again

here we go his brain’s going AGSHAFUIABNAVSBKJAG AGFYAIAFIguAI here we go it’s happening i can see the sparks

MR MASKELL PLEASE

GWYN YOUR ARMS

YOUR SPIN GWYN

that right there was what medical professionals commonly diagnose as a Religious Experience.

his pantlegs are even shorter in this version

OH HE JUST YANKS THE BANDAID RIGHT OFF.

jojo please

hangon i gotta go back and see him in Zero Bones mode one more time that was actually so personal

i must say that rewind was Flawless. without even looking i took it back exactly to him coming through the curtain. at myself goodjob man

i would like to formally apologize to myself for just having the “talent show au” thought. stop that.

WIGGLY FINGERS ON “WALKS IN THE NIGHT”

can’t believe i’m in love with an overcooked linguini noodle

he is So Floppy it genuinely hurts to even look at and honestly i love that for me. I’m living. i’m about to watch this scene a third time in a row see if i don’t

it really is a little low on the sheer manic vibe but at the same time it kinda has the energy of if you climbed into the washing machine or maybe dryer while the appliance is on? or if you got in the washing machine but you brought a toaster with you. and threw your phone in separate.

another perfect rewind let’s go I’M THE STUUUUUUUFF OF YOUR NIGHTMARES WAS I

his voice sounds like it’s coming from a vintage record player and it’s definitely in black and white with a smattering of static and just a slight flavor of tin and honestly i love that for me

Gwyn’s literally one of those old door stoppers you know like the little stick on the bottom of the door and sometimes you pull it all the way to one side and then let go and it’s like FWOBBLEFWOBBLEFWOBBLE and you’re like “OOOOOOH”

JEAN VALJEAN

ARMS UPPPPPPPP GO BACK AND BOIIIIIIIIIIING

LOVE that dude. Amazing.

did he just spit actually? he physically can’t? at least traditionally?

steppy leggies!

one more time and then i’ll move on. just one more.

rewound too far i’m now back at “Ursus If You Don’t Let Go Of That Boy’s Wrist”

come on through that curtain Gwynlit i am Ready for You.

I’M THE STUUUUUUFFFFF OF YOUR NIGHTM

i want this played at my funeral and i want mr. maskell to be there to dance to it

so i guess in this version his limbs just short-circuit at different times huh because i mean genuinely for real his elbows just seem to nope out every now and then

this right here is what mr. hugo meant when he said, if not in as many words, that you were a ten.

ARRRMMMS UP! ANNNND BAAAAAAACK AND

B O U N C E

he has the x factor

love how he just shuffles back through the curtain like that one gif of the yellow dude being absorbed into the bushes

JOJO I LOVE YOUR DRESS WHAT

Dirry-Moir’s voice is nice even if it’s Very Different

fr jojo that’s actually kinda cute

Osric my dear i Love You

and now they’re all dirilious

dilirius

dilirious

dileros

d e l i r i o u s ?

that

Dea and Gwyn just dropped out of the sky

awww mojo came to check on him

Mojo’s nudging at Gwyn’s arm and Gwyn’s Not Having It

Ursus you’re banned from touching him i am Mad At You

Gwyn’s having another attack in this version it is constantly happening. has this boy sipped any sauce yet?

he just stood up and now he’s like

HE’S DOING HAND FLAPS HE’S GOT FLAPPY HANDS HE’S ACTUALLY. WHAT. FLAP FLAP FLAP I LIKE IT I AGreE WITH THIS

ooh he reacts a little bit to “all the other fairground freaks”

FIDDLING WITH THE BANDAGES

Ursus sounds Angery

 oh. gwynlit :( he’s cryin :( on “I don’t believe you” :(

😭💀😭💀

these two have PROBLEMS in this version and i am Hurt

he’s doing hand things again

VOCAL THINGS

this is canon now

DEA JUST HELPED HIM WITH THE CRIMSON LETHE

it looked like he was too jittery or something so she puts his hand over his and helps him bring the bottle of crimson lethe up to his mouth

im really just filling up a shopping cart over here

did quake just clock ursus over the head or did someone get shot boy golly that was loud

wait though with the little noise that Gwyn did a second ago, we hear it after the crowd starts doing it but in-universe did they hear him do that at some point and now they’re imitating it 👀 

THAT CRISMSON LETHE JUST KNOCKED HIM OUT HE JUST FLOPPED FORWARD AND DEA HAD TO CATCH HIM 📝👀

oh. “The Grinning Man Is Not To Be Disturbed” is because he’s straight up out of it after having the medicine. oh no

Mojo just growled as Gwyn stood up and i heard it wrong and thought there was like a cartoon sound effect like “LOOK HOW FAST HE JUST STOOD UP. WOOSH.” but no it was a growly bark

he held onto Dea’s hand and kind of hopped over to the door that was neat

i’m gonna start holding everything i read Like That

shjshgsj he just held it Like that and Stared before switching to holding it normally and actually opening it

random Itch

her outfit really is cute though i like this costume

“who I aaaaaaaaaam” stop the voice is too good sir

okay but that maneuver really is illegal y’all ought not to have done that

wait wait lemme go back and

i don’t know how i feel about that

one more time lemme check lemme just ch

*phil collins voice* oh lord

there is no reason

gwyn sweetheart you are not strong enough. she will kill you.

i now know what song this reminds me of now and i’m so upset

why do they have the outside of the cart looking like a happy meal box

GWYN WHAT WAS THAT

he just did the squawkiest laugh oml

HOLD UP

“you must see or you’ll never know” “YOU’RE RIGHT! Something is changing! She wants to meet me!” WHAT IS THIS CONVERSATION

HE SOUNDS HAPPY

SHE KNOWS HE’S GOING TO MEET SOMEBODY AND SHE ACTUALLY KISSES HIM LIKE “You must go!” WHAT

boy i know you did not just finger-gun goodbye at the blind girl

he’s walking in place now and i’m crying

she told him he must go now and he took it so literally he left while she was still talking

THE WALKING IN PLACE THOUGH. IT’S IN SLOW MOTION. I AM DISTRAUGHT

did you just wave at someone Gwyn

he’s so doped up

i think he thinks he’s about to get beat

okay in this version he doesn’t Let Osric grab his hand Osric just kind of grabs him and then Gwyn snatches his hand away and Osric’s like “i’ve got a funny feeling in my hand” meanwhile Gwyn puts his hand up and looks at it for a second and shakes down his sleeve and then he’s all hands-on-hips and looking at Osric like >:?

i think he just did the sound with them

and he’s having another attack.

he just fell back and they caught him and one person grabbed his hand and yanked him forward and now they’re picking him up

idk think he knows he’s alive in this version

AJSHFAJGAH THEY’RE DOING HIM LIKE THE PUPPETS IN THE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST DANCE SEQUENCE THEY JUST TOSSED THAT BOY LIKE A FRESHLY-LAUNDERED BEDSHEET

he ain’t well sir

that’s all for now!