#depression anxiety bipolar substance abuse stuff
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0last-ditch-effort0 · 1 year ago
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My aunty broke the family curse by being the only one to get a certificate of "has no diagnoses"
Breaking the family curse (being the first to get a diagnosis)
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nevalizona · 2 years ago
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Margarita for any/all OCs!
This is kind of a long answer but I really did try to keep it concise sksksks. I also included my own ocs because I adore them and I will take any chance to talk about them ^-^
What disorders/disabilities does your ocs have?
I'm not sure these necessarily count as disabilities or disorders but oh well!
M3 Ocs:
Genevieve: Severe anxiety/Agoraphobia
Ivy Nicole: Undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder (II)
Jesús: Massive Gambling addiction and issues with substance abuse.
My Ocs:
Rosaylie: Bipolar Disorder (II) with a massive amounts of mixed cycles (so technically is probably "unspecified") [Note: Rosaylie is hard to narrow down because she is living in a constant state of anxiety/crisis. Her father runs a cartel and expects her to do the same. It's a lot and she doesn't really know how she would feel if she was not plagued by this fate]
Gaia: Doesn't know what the hell she has. She has a massive temper though and *LOVES* getting into fights. She gets really sad sometimes and it's not good when Gaia gets sad, because that sadness turns into anger and ack.
Bambi: Massive depression. She is medicated, she goes to therapy. Bambi is my most mentally healthy character. She does have a little problem with being impulsive though. Bambi might have some other stuff going on but that's all hush hush for now sksksks.
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intermundia · 3 years ago
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hey ms. molly, this might be a more personal question than you're comfy answering, so please ignore if so, but in reading your fics + tumblr posts, i've found myself intensely curious as to why you don't seem to be pursuing a career in academia (correct me if i'm wrong) and how you ended up on a rural farm. i ask this also as a senior in college currently writing my history thesis (not classics) and contemplating grad school.
I don’t mind answering bc it’s important to me to be someone who can talk about uncomfortable subjects, if you want the real answer. I’m in a place in life where I’m pretty secure and don’t have to worry about hiding info from employers etc. My disability is part of who I am, and I’m trying to not be ashamed of it (but still tw: for mental health stuff).
The very short story of my twenties is that problems with my mental health, namely bipolar disorder with mostly depressive or mixed episodes, general and social anxiety, self-harm, eating disorder (bulimia), substance abuse disorder (alcoholism), PTSD from stuff that happened while manic, etc. interfered with many of my plans for career and relationships.
I am a survivor of a couple serious crises that led to me being hospitalized twice, once back in college, which is directly related to me choosing not to go into academia, and another time more recently, which led to me quitting my job and moving back out to the family farm where I spent my childhood in order to recover.
Basically, I barely survived my twenties and wasn’t able to handle the pressure and uncertainty of academic life. I tried a few different times to find the right way for me to participate in the economy and use my skills for work, but every time the effort to mask my issues was too much, and I cracked.
I am 30 now, thank god, and have found purpose and meaning in writing and making art. I’ve extricated myself from my last toxic relationship, and am healing from that. The farm is more beautiful than pictures can convey, and I’m just really lucky to have the support that I do from family.
Not everyone has that support. That’s what I saw most when I was working at the public defender’s office—mostly criminalized poverty and people being crushed beneath the gears of capitalism with no assistance. It broke my heart to not be able to help in any way other than keeping people out of jail.
I know that some of my followers are fighting serious things, and I want you to know you’re not alone in struggling. There’s nothing I can do except offer you stories and some pretty pictures, but I know that’s not nothing. It keeps me going to know it’s not nothing.
At some point I’m going to run out of money and have to stop and find a way to support myself, but for now, writing and art are my primary focuses. Part of me will always long for the person I was before everything fell apart, for the Ph.D. I always dreamed of as a child. I’ve poured that person into Classics AU. Writing has helped me let go and appreciate it for what it was.
Anyway, back to you, anon—I think academia is a wonderful life for many people, and I hope that you find your path there if it feels right ❤️
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dmarchives · 10 months ago
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As an ABA practitioner who does indeed 100% feel that autistic people who oppose ABA are "low(er)-support-needs" individuals monopolizing attention, this was an interesting read. Anti ABA-stuff shows up on my feed from time to time, and I never engage, but this made me want to. I don't know why, maybe because they wrote a whole buncha words without calling me evil even once.
I have a norwegian health care degree with a specialty in ABA. For some reason (I'm guessing it's American in origin), people often speak of ABA in relation to autism, as if it was designed to treat that specific condition. This is obviously not the case. As the name implies, it can be used to target any behavior in any individual. I have used ABA on myself to target unwanted bipolar-, anxiety-, and adhd related behaviors. Fellow students used it to relieve their own symptoms of ocd, hypomania, depression, autism, schizofrenia, and bpd.
The degree focuses on people with intellectual disabilities in particular, but many in my field work with mental health, substance abuse patients, and in schools.
When people call ABA evil, I equate it to language: If someone calls you an ugly bitch, don't blame the English language. The language is just the tool they used to hurt you. The existence of the words 'ugly' and 'bitch' does not make the language cruel, the person who utilized them is.
Likewise, the fact that the concept of extinction and aversive stimuli exist does not make ABA cruel. It does not make those who practice in the field cruel. It makes those who utilize extinction and aversive stimuli cruel.
Look, IDK, maybe I shouldn't have started this post when it's Monday and I'm at work and my thoughts are jumbled. I'll just cut it short and say this: Your problem isn't with ABA, it's with the BCBA. As it should be, practitioners over there are fucking insane.
Also, health care personnel will unfortunately always have innate powers over patients/clients. Doesn't make a doctor/patient relationship unethical, that's just a natural consequence of division of labor.
Idk I guess I'll just write my own post on this at some point, the Judge Rotenberg verdict has me fucking seething and I need to vent.
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"New (old) perspectives on self-injurious and aggressive biting" published in Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis / Nine Inch Nails- The Hand that Feeds
I was troubled to see a trend of claiming that Autistic people who do not support Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) are a group of "low-support-needs" autistics who are monopolizing the conversation and taking resources away from autistics with higher support needs—I think it is misunderstanding.
Individual positive or negative experiences with ABA are irrelevant here—the fundamental core of the therapy is behaviorism, the idea that an autistic person can be "treated" by rewarding "desirable" behaviors and punishing "undesirable" behaviors, and that an increase in desirable behaviors and decrease in undesirable behaviors constitutes successful treatment
In researching I found that ABA practitioners have published statements condemning conversion therapy. They refer to an unfortunate historical association between ABA and conversion therapy, but it is not association—ABA literally is conversion therapy; the creator of it used it to try to "cure" little boys that were too feminine.
ABA is considered "medically necessary" treatment for autism and the only "proven" treatment, in that it is proven to create decrease in "undesirable" behaviors and increase in "desirable" behaviors.
Undesirable behaviors for an autistic person might include things like stimming and talking about their interests, desirable behaviors might include eye contact, using verbal speech, playing with toys in the "right" way.
The BCBA behavior analyst code of ethics does not prohibit "aversive" methods (e.g. electric shock) to punish undesirable behaviors
The code of ethics only discusses the consent of the "client," not the person receiving the treatment
Many people will say "my child's ABA therapist would never make them repress harmless stims, give up their interests, use electric shocks...They understand the value of neurodiversity and emphasize the consent of the child..."
But consider...if nothing binds or requires an ABA therapist to treat stimming as important, nor restrains them from using abusive techniques, nor requires them to consider the consent of a person being treated, what protects vulnerable people other than luck? The ABA therapist still has an innately unethical level of power over a child being "treated."
Furthermore, consider: can a therapy built on the goal of controlling the behavior of a person who cannot meaningfully consent to it, especially without hard limits or protections on the kinds of behavior that can be coerced or controlled, ever be ethical?
I found many articles that discuss teaching "compliance" in autistic children, treating "compliance" as a reasonable goal to strive for without qualification...
The abstract of the above article struck me with a spark of inspiration. Biting is an undesirable behavior to be controlled, understandably so, since most would feel that violence should not be allowed. But I was suddenly reminded of the song "The Hand that Feeds" by Nine Inch Nails, which is a play on the saying "Don't bite the hand that feeds you," meaning don't lash out against someone that is kind to you.
But doesn't "the hand that feeds you" implicitly have power over you through being able to give or withhold food? In this case, kindness can be a form of coercion. Thus "biting the hand that feeds" is used in the song as a metaphor for autonomy and resisting coercive power. The speaker asks the audience if they have the courage to test the benevolence of their oppressors, or if they will remain compliant and unquestioning even though they know deep down that it isn't right.
Likewise the article blunders into something unintentionally poetic when it recognizes that biting is an innately possible behavior in response to "aversive" stimuli or the "removal of reinforcers." Reinforcers and aversives in ABA are discussed as tools used by the therapist—the presentation of a preferred food would be a reinforcer, for instance (and is often used as such in ABA).
The journal article considers biting as a behavioral problem, even though the possibility that someone may bite can never be eliminated. Contrastingly, "The Hand that Feeds" highlights the coercive power behind the ability to control your behavior, even when that control appears benevolent and positive, and argues that "biting the hand that feeds you" is not only a possibility but a moral imperative.
Consider: In what circumstances would you bite someone? To defend your own body? To defend your life? Are there circumstances in which biting would be the reasonable and the right action to take?
What authority decides which behaviors are desirable or undesirable, and rewards or punishes compliance or resistance? Who is an authority—your therapist? Your teacher? Your caregiver? Any adult? Any person with the power to reward or punish?
In what circumstances might compliance be demanded of you? In what circumstances would it be justifiable not to comply? What authority decides which circumstances are justifiable?
Can you imagine a circumstance where it might be important for a child to not comply with the demands of an adult? For a citizen to not comply with the demands of a government? Which authorities demand compliance in a right and just manner, and which demand compliance to things that are evil and wrong? Which authority has the power to differentiate the two? Should you trust them? Will you bite the hand that feeds you?/Will you stay down on your knees?
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khaleesiofalicante · 5 years ago
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Do u have any tips about how to write a Shadowhunter OC with bipolar disorder? I know Shadowhunters with mental illness are deemed unfit for duty but I want my OC to break that stigma and show that just because they have mental illness doesn’t mean they are their mental illness.
Hello!
I really appreciate your effort to write a fic that includes shadowhunters with mental illness. I love it when real life issues are addressed in fics - even though we mostly read it for fun. 
So, thank you so much for even considering and taking the time to include such a character (of your own creation!!!) into your writing and into the shadow world. 
That being said, when writing characters with mental illness, regardless of what it is, one needs to be extremely careful. We do not want to create more stigma or spread misinformation. I do not say this just as a writer, but as a student of psychology. 
When writing a character with bipolar disorder, you must remember to alternate between the two moods - as they have both depressive and manic episodes. But bipolar is not a disorder that just affects your mood as it can impact a person in other ways too. For example,  bipolar disorder also affects your energy level, judgment, memory, concentration, appetite, sleep patterns, sex drive, and self-esteem. Additionally, bipolar disorder has been linked to anxiety, substance abuse.
Remember there is no need for you to incorporate all these symptoms - you can select ones that seem most suitable for your OC.
When you are writing a shadowhunter with bipolar, try to connect the symptoms to their day to day tasks. Here are some examples I could think of:
Feeling extremely restless or impulsive (manic) - The character can do self sacrificial stuff (reminds me of Jace for some reason) and mess up missions as a result. Can also prefer to do night patrols or take on more patrols (This could also be because they sometimes suffer from insomnia and can be energetic more than others)
Engaging in risky behavior (manic) - This could be doing something completely reckless such as summoning a greater demon or trying to fight a hoard demons at the same time or badly pissing off a downworlder.
Having overconfidence in your abilities (manic) - Not requesting for backup or trying to take on missions alone. Overtaking more work than they can handle.
Feeling severe fatigue or lack of energy (depression) - Not wanting to train or go on missions. 
Withdrawing from friends and family (depression) - Hating or being easily irritated by fellow shadowhunters in the institute. 
Losing interest in activities that you once enjoyed (depression) - not wanting to travel for missions or not enjoying visits to Alicante anymore. 
Then of course is the symptom of suicidal tendencies in severe cases, which you can show if you write a longer fic. Remember that the symptoms of bipolar don’t switch from day to day. People with bipolar can have depressive symptoms of weeks (or even months depending on the person) before showing symptoms of mania (again for weeks or months). This is why sometimes it is difficult to identify the disorder since people think they are just going through ‘moods’.
Also, when writing this character, you can always opt for introspection and a first person narrative. But you can also have another friend or family member noticing these behavioral changes. It doesn’t always have to be the character realizing it since with mental illnesses such as bipolar, it is difficult for the affected individual to self-diagnose. 
If there is anything else you would like to know, feel free to ask. Good luck with your fic and I hope you have fun writing it. 
PS - Sorry for the super long answer but writing/psychology/tsc are my main interests so I kinda went overboard oops. 
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cyanidelacedvodka · 5 years ago
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Hello friend. I was just curious about the symptoms of BPD. When you have an ‘episode’, with the crying and feeling sad stuff, how long does it last frequently does it occur? As in do you get them multiple times a day, or once a week, or a couple a month? And does each one last for minutes or hours or days? Thank you, I understand if you don’t want to reply btw I’m just curious and want to find out more about this disorder. Thanks!
There's a lot of symptoms to BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), since it's mainly caused by childhood trauma (but also is found to be hereditary to a degree), so it's rather complex.
The DSM-5 classifies someone as having BPD if they display at least 5 out of the following criteria:
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (not including suicidal / self-mutilating behavior)
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, usually alternating between extremes of idealization of people, and devaluation / pushing away people.
Persistent unstable self-image or sense of self; no sense of who you are.
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (i.e. spending, sexual activity, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (This doesn't include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior.)
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (i.e. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety that usually lasts a few hours, and only rarely more than a few days)
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (i.e. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
Usually symptoms start showing around adolescence or young adulthood; warning signs include:
Disturbances in experiencing oneself as unique, poor boundaries between self and others, and poor emotion regulation;
An inability to soothe themselves adequately, resulting in excess emotional reactions to stresses and frustrations; maladaptive attempts at self-soothing, suicide threats, self-harm, and angry behavior;
An unstable sense of self with poor ability for self-direction and impaired ability to pursue meaningful short-term goals with satisfaction;
Marked instability in functioning, affect, mood, interpersonal relationships, and, at times, reality testing;
Disturbances in empathy and intimacy;
A pattern of impulsivity, risk taking, and poor self-image
A lot of these symptoms and signs can also overlay PTSD, bipolar, Major Depressive Disorder, and multiple anxiety and psychotic disorders, so it's always best to talk to a therapist or psychiatrist if you're suspecting you may have BPD. BPD is also comorbid with many of these too, so having a combination of BPD with any of these disorders does put you at a higher risk; I always stress finding a therapist, psychologist, and/or psychiatrist to help you if you suspect you might have BPD.
While BPD is not curable, it is manageable with medication and therapy. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is probably the most effective in helping those with BPD manage their symptoms, and help one cope when things flare up. And a fun fact; Dr. Marsha Linehan, who developed DBT, has BPD herself! The therapy was designed by someone with BPD, for those with BPD (though it's also effective for those with mood disorders, addiction, and those who are chronically suicidal and self-harming).
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For my personal experience, my episodes can range from a few hours to a few weeks, depending on if something triggered it (i.e. an interpersonal conflict vs sudden paranoia). Usually the occurance of the more random episodes can be culled with medication (an overarching depression/anxiety medication, and then for me, something for my dissociation episodes), though I'd say the random ones tend to hit every other week, more often if I've been exerting myself emotionally. These tend to be intrusive thoughts of self-harm, paranoia that people I care about are dead, impulses to do reckless behavior (lately it's been wanting to do hard drugs), and bouts of irritability. I probably cry at least once a week lol
Major episodes that last for a week or more are usually caused by an interpersonal conflict; it can be a fight, or a shift in dynamic. One big thing I struggle with is the fear of abandonment and being replaced. My favorite person (FP) is polyamorous. They're also my ex. We've had a bumpy road together (as it would be expected for someone with BPD) and I have a hard time distinguishing feelings sometimes, because I either feel a lot and in extreme, or nothing. For the longest time I've harbored feelings for them, but at this point we've been able to work things out. They've essentially put me in the same position that they are for me, their "favorite person", their "best friend". But whenever they get a new partner, I often have a hard time coping with the possibility of their partner "taking my place" -- basically, if they can provide for my FP the same things I do, I worry they won't need me anymore. Obviously my FP hasn't done anything to cause this fear to be rational, but it often triggers really bad episodes of self-harm, negative self-image, and dangerous impulsive behavior as I struggle to find a sense of purpose and numb the extreme paranoia of possibly being abandoned. Thankfully, my FP is very understanding and open, so whenever I have those feelings come up, I do my best to talk to them about it and they help reassure me that I'm still their best friend, they still want me around, etc.; I'm hoping that DBT will help me cope better with this kind of thing in the future.
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pink-doll-lips · 5 years ago
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adhd anon from way back. you asked what made me see it. stuff like forgetting the months, bumping into stuff often, I just have it myself and it seems like you might. I was never diagnosed as a kid, most women arent. we pass under the radar bc the diagnosis criteria was made for boys under 10, and adhd can look different in women. I also have been to doctors and therapists for 8+ years. even after i said I thought I had it, it took 2 more yrs before someone believed me enough to be tested.
Part 2: im not properly describing the symptoms in women, but i am just a tumblr anon so if you ever think you're dealing with something other than depression (the leaning in to dumbness and dependence on substances seems to indicate that) then you should say something about attention disorders. I'm not belittling you, i need drugs and alcohol to get through the week and play dumb with my partner in the bedroom and wont be giving up either of these things anytime soon.
Hi again. Thank you for expanding on it. I was curious. It’s interesting.
From the bit I read on adhd and what you’ve shared, like I don’t see it as a fit for me. Like my diagnosis isn’t depression, it’s bipolar type 2 (and I think anxiety is still being included separately) and other than the walking into wall (which I relate to what seems to be a depth perception issue me and my share, I misjudge the distance of doorways) like those characteristics def fit with that. I think I’ve read bipolar disorder has some of the highest rates of addiction or substance abuse. My memory is shitty because of meds some and just in general it seems mental health stuff leads to a bad memory, but I also extra struggle with remembering stuff from when I was in like a different state than whatever I am currently. The leaning into too dumbness for me is so a reaction to anxiety, since school and career is such a big source of it, being dumber means there’d have been less pressure on all that, it’s a dream of an easier less stressed and anxious time. No matter how much I lean into dumbness or whatever, I continue to still be able to switch on being “smart” when I need to or whatever and I always have several areas where I guess it’s like always on. For the most part always excelled in school and all that, it’s def more a reaction to not having to had learn study skills and the anxiety around not knowing how to handle not just knowing things in school. At work it’s been different, I’m very good at my job and learning new things in thay environment, except like when burnt out. Idk. Tbh with all these asks I feel myself getting off topic and using them to kinda like process through shitty work stuff I’m dealing with now in a way, so I’m sorry about that.
Lol, And if anything is off w my diagnosis I think it’d be about how I definitely have avoided talking about any psychotic symptoms that I’ve experienced w any mental health professionals. Brought up something once and it felt so brushed off, but idk, hasn’t been a major issue.
Either way, I think it’s a good thing to like be aware of. It feels like a lot of people aren’t neurotypical, and being aware can help you take action to improve your life. And I think a lot mental health issues can lead to looking for escapes, which I guess dumb is and def what drinking and drugs are. Idk.
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llamasgotoheaven · 6 years ago
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Tbh i see a lot of neurodivergent stuff in the following characters
(Keep in mind im not a real psychologist but i do dabble in this stuff on account of my own issues and ive talked w a lot of doctors/taken lots of clinical tests in my day lol)
Zoro: whose excess sleeping can def be explained by his physical activity but it’s also a marker of autism spectrum/adhd type disorders. Obssession with swords his entire life, (spectrum folk tend to be highly fixated on one activity throughout their life! Often one involving logic, creative thinking and hand eye coordination... Gee, I wonder why he loves swordfighting so much.), people with adhd tend to hate the limitations imposed upon them and struggle with authority, which he does. His three sword style is likely a homage to his defiant and creative nature. He has a v fickle temper and very bipolar tendencies, hence his often instinctively black and white attitude toward people and events around him! Zoro is also kind of a substance abuser... sspd people have an exponentially higher rate of self-harm and suicidal behavior all of which zoro exhibits throughout one piece. He’s got a somewhat unhealthy tendency to drink, cut himself, put himself in lethal situations.
Luffy definitely has Potent ADHD. He regularly and perpetually zones out during important moments in conversation, is highly physically “hyper”active, has issues with volume control, is clumsy, highly chattery and sociable, does everything in “excess”, he is constantly so full of energy that he’s either super ecstatic and bursting with joy OR furious much like Zoro. He also eats a metric fuckton further demonstrating how intense his entire being is.
Robin: Extremely perceptive and sentimental, soaks information up analytically and effectively when engaged, sensual and withdrawn, appears emotionless but is actually hiding a wealth of feelings that she’s had to suppress. Lots of logical sensory input, doesn’t always mask her neutral expressions has covert low self-worth and anxiety/depression. Very typical symptoms of girls with adhd/autism. preoccupation with the visual (think of her great fashion sense) Much like zoro she has big old mental health issues but tbf even if she was neurotypical she would have those due to her circumstances.
It’s probably why they’re my favorites, I get so much inspiration from feeling represented in a popular manga... As somebody with extremely powerful emotions and a very intense vivid experience of everything in life it’s so nice to be see myself reflected in characters who are so good inside, so strong, so resilient and inspirational.
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scouts-mockingbird · 6 years ago
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Do you have an opinion on Veronica's mental state in the movie? She seems a little unstable at the beginning before stuff starts to happen what with her self harm, sudden bursts of anger, and substance abuse that are constant throughout.
I think it’s pretty likely that she has some form of depression, given her flat affect (that just means that she doesn’t react strongly to things, I’m not criticizing Winona’s wonderful performance), self harm, and how just… tired and over it she seems? But I couldn’t tell you what type since I don’t know how long that’s been going on. She also displays non-suicidal self harm, which is common in a couple different diagnoses, depression included. 
I think a legitimate argument could also be made that she doesn’t have any kind of disorder, she’s just troubled and dissatisfied. That’s certainly something one can and should see a therapist about, but it doesn’t necessarily come with a label like “Depression” “Anxiety” or “Bipolar Disorder”. Lots of people have problems and issues without qualifying for a mental illness, though once a person displays that self harm (which Veronica does) 9.8/10 therapists are probably going to want to slap a label on that. If I were asked to diagnose, I would start with depression and see where conversation and further information takes me. 
but I’m not a licensed therapist (yet). 
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juzt-peachy · 7 years ago
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Some facts on adhd since last month was adhd awareness month (but i procrastinated and didn’t make an adhd post then!) so here it is!!
ADD is not a thing anymore. It’s called ADHD whether the type is hyperactive, inattentive, or combined. The term ADD was kicked out in 1994, actually.
ADHD does not effect just school. Actually, in my experience, my emotional control and relationships have been way more screwed over by ADHD then my grades and concentration.
On that note, people with ADHD tend to misread social situations a lot. Stuff like volume control, metaphors, passive aggression, emotional moods, and sarcasm tend to go way over our heads. Give us some grace when we’re confused.
“Comorbid” is a exciting word because it sounds like Death and Suffering got together and are business partners, but comorbid is actually a medical term for when one or more disorders co-occur. here’s a fun list of common comorbid conditions for people with ADHD:
-learning, language, and fine moter skills disorders
- tic disorders
- anxiety, depression, OCD, anger-control problems, RSD, bipolar disorder, insomnia
- predisposition for substance abuse, suicidal tendencies, and an elevated risk of obesity
in fact, people with ADHD are about 60%-80% more likely to have an additional disorder. 
anyway that’s it. that’s all my facts. hope you learned some stuff! if you want sources either send an ask or research it yourself!
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ontheavalanche · 7 years ago
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As someone with BPD, I struggle a lot with headcanons of Kent Parson with BPD.
Bc on the one hand, I really enjoy people taking the time to research BPD and crafting versions of Kent Parson that are complicated yet respectful and highlighting a disorder that imho isn’t spoken about nearly enough + a lot of thought and effort goes into taking mentally ill characters and fleshing them out with words. Plus I’ve seen some well composed stuff from people who do have BPD and get what it’s like and make wonderfully relatable versions of BPD!Parse and I don’t want to downplay those at all.
But at the same time, I noticed a lot of what happens is that people paint Kent Parson as this guy that’s been really manipulative and can say and do things that are emotionally abusive or just make him all impulsive but then be all like oh he’s like that because he has BPD so it’s okay.
And that’s bad for multiple reasons—the first one being ofc that you can’t excuse manipulative, emotionally abusive, or any other kind of shitty behaviors just bc the person acting that way is mentally ill. The second is that people with Borderline Personality Disorder are generally not like that???? That’s a really harmful stereotype of what people with BPD are like and it’s been perpetuated a lot in various types of media and even within medical and mental health communities.
Anyways, I’m p sure I personally won’t be able to read any fics with BPD!Parson unless they’re personally recommend to me, but I will throw a few things out there that I haven’t seen in BPD!Parse fics but that are common amongst people with BPD. (Please keep in mind that these are based on my own experiences and experiences of other people I know who have BPD—as with any mental health issue, it can manifest very differently depending on the person and not everyone with have experienced all of these):
Manic episodes!!!!! (I feel it’s important to note that often times you won’t realize you’re Manic until you’re peeking. And tbh a lot of times you don’t realize it at all, especially if you don’t have experience recognizing those feelings. Also I’ve noticed that with people with BPD that are more on the consistently manic side will not notice their mania because while manic episodes are intense, if you’re used to them it feels totally normal to feel that way all the time. You might not notice it’s a thing until it gets pointed out by an outsider or unless you get a really really bad one or end up hospitalized)
After a manic episode, you might Crash—a sort of Mania Hangover, if you will. Sometimes it can be a full blow depressive episode, sometimes it’s just a need for sleep or maybe releasing a few hard earned tears. (Or if you’re one of those people that’s kind of Perpetually Manic or going through a manic phase, maybe you won’t even Crash, you’ll just slide into another episode like whatislife amiright??)
If not full blown mania, then mood swings!!!! So many mood swings!!!!! They’re intense and sometimes they last a few hours and sometimes they last a few days. People with BPD have intense emotions, highs and lows and you can on occasion get several in the span of an hour or two.
A chronic feeling of emptiness (I’m thinking of Parse feeling empty n wow that hurts so bad doesn’t it?)
Reckless, impulsive, or dangerous behaviors, often thought of as a result of trying to fill that emptiness or during feelings of mania or anger or mood swings. (This can manifest as shopping sprees, sex, substance abuse, binge eating, etc).
Viewing things in black and white—often times things and feelings are perceived as either totally Good or totally Bad, with little to nothing in between. It’s easy to distort your point of view to make it so that everything fits in those categories. This is a defense mechanism and is often referred to as “Splitting” or all-or-nothing thinking.
The Good/Bad POV//defense mechanism also and especially applies toward people and while logically you might know people are multifaceted and want to recognize that people can be both good and bad, sometimes it can be really hard not to look at people and subconsciously be like “okay are you a hero or a villain, a protagonist or an antagonist, do I love you or hate you” (idealization vs devaluation)
In the BPD community, many people have something called an FP (a Favorite Person)—this is a person you’ve formed an emotional dependency on that can quite literally make or break your day with the slightest provocation. Frankly, this is kind of difficult to talk about so I recommend skimming this article. Basically, you devolve intense feelings for a person (be it romantic or platonic) and when they give you attention or when you view their actions as positive, it’s like you’re happier than you’ve ever been but if you view something they did or said as a negative towards you (even if it wasn’t their intention), suddently your mood plummets so badly that you might feel physically pained or enter a major depressive episode or feel suicidal. (Not everyone has or has had an FP, but if you have one and they reject you and the relationship between the two of you is over, it can feel kind of like a soulmate au gone bad in which you gotta break this Profound Bond and it feels like you’re shattering. Not impossible to get over but you’ll be kind of broken for a while, or maybe just a little cracked forever.) ((Was Jack Zimmermann Kent’s FP???? Who knows, just don’t think about it))
While obviously relationships with people can often be intense and sometimes unstable, it doesn’t mean everyone is regarded with the same level of intensity and it doesn’t mean people with BPD don’t also have normal and healthy relationships and friendships. It truthfully depends on the person. Sometimes all relationships are affected, and sometimes it’s just one.
Disassociation—this can range from depersonalization (feeling disconnected from your body), derealization (feeling disconnected from reality), amnesia (lost time), and identity confusion (losing self).
Speaking of identity—people with BPD struggle with their self-image, and yes sometimes they will distort how they view themselves to fit their mood. I often see this brought up in fics in regards to Kent Parson as either having extreme narcissism or with an extremely low self worth. While those two things aren’t generally out of the realm of possibility, most of the time when it comes to people with BPD and their identity it’s more like they’re lost???? Idk how to describe it but amongst people with BPD, it’s common to feel like you don’t know who the real you is, or like there is no real you and you’re just made up of other people. It’s because sometimes we latch onto the habits and obsessions of others, of our friends and loved ones, and they become our habits and our obsessions, and sometimes realizing this can push you into a bit of an identity crisis????? (Does anyone have a way to put this into English that makes sense bc I’m doing my best here but I Suck soooo) EDIT: the word for it is “Identity Disturbance” and it’s A Big Thing
Seemingly unprovoked bursts of anger and irritability are not uncommon
A lot of people with BPD have abandonment issues. Be it real or imagined abandonment, many of us try to avoid feeling that kind (or any kind) of rejection, even if it means we’re the ones doing the rejecting first. I see this well represented in fics but it’s very dragged out. (Truthfully, imho people with BPD can kinda suck at rejecting people, like we’ll wanna do it so that you don’t do it to us but we can’t quite execute it all that well and when we do we try not to dwell on it.)
I have noticed in BPD!Parse fics, most of the time he has a healthy sense of distrust towards people and their intentions and that’s pretty accurate although sometimes it’s the exact opposite—you might trust too much or too quickly if you consider them Good.
Major depressive episodes are not at all uncommon. (I apologize bc I don’t think I’m going to be able to put in as much detail about this rn bc tbh I’m running on the Manic side lately and when I’m more manic I tend to forget what it’s like to feel depressed or just how those feelings come about until I get hit with a wave of them and then I just wallow.)
Self-harm and suicidal thoughts are not uncommon either, even if you aren’t going through a depressive episode or feeling sad. (An unfortunate percentage of people with BPD die from suicide.)
Some people experience intrusive thoughts or some form of psychosis (if I’m not mistaken the term “borderline” actually comes from an antiquated thought that people with BPD are “borderline psychotic” and so some places no longer use the term “borderline personality disorder” and rather call it an emotional intensity disorder or an “emotionally unstable personality disorder”—bc the latter is totally much better)
Looooots of anxiety, I don’t think in the same way you see in an anxiety disorder??? (I have both so it’s hard for me to describe and separate the two but from what I’ve heard, for people that don’t have an anxiety disorder but do have BPD, it can come in bouts, kind of like manic and depressive episodes but just anxiety and none of the high or low feelings????)
Trouble sleeping is common with people with BPD
Paranoia
A majority of the time, people with BPD also have other disorders such a depression, anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorders, or other personality disorders that coexist with your BPD.
And the last thing: if you’re reading this list and thinking “huh this sounds more like what I’ve read about bipolar disorder rather than borderline personality disorder” then the reason for it is bc the way bipolar disorder is presented in media is often similar to the reality of what it’s like to have BPD (and similarly there is so much more to bipolar disorder that is not presented in media accurately). The two can be very similar from an outsider’s point of view but to put it in oversimplified terms—people with BPD have more persistent day-to-day symptoms that impact them 24/7 whereas someone with bipolar disorder can go through periods of symptom-free wellness for days, weeks, or even years before falling into say a major manic episode. Our mood swings and episodes are also shorter and tend to run on patterns or are a direct reaction to life’s typical stressors—we can have multiple mood swings and episodes within a single day, whereas folks with bipolar disorder have seemingly no warning before an episode that can last months. Also while any form of mental illness (particularly ones that have to do with mania or delusions or hallucinations) can impact your relationship with people, typically people with bipolar disorder don’t have the same problems with interpersonal relationships like people with BPD do. (I hope I don’t sound like I’m “down selling” bipolar disorder or anything, truthfully I’m just not knowledgeable enough to feel comfortable speaking on it but I do know that these are some of the differences between the two and that BPD and bipolar disorder are often misdiagnosed as each other.)
Anyways y’all, BPD is a really serious disorder. Most of the time we’re people that are considered high functioning because it’s a disorder that affects emotions and relationships and sometimes that only seemingly affects our personal and social lives and not our professional or academic lives.
We’re typecast as dramatic and manipulative and attention seekers. I’d personally argue that we aren’t (for the most part) but our behavior can get really poor and we can feel desperate and enslaved by our emotions. We can’t really help it but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hold us accountable if we act horribly. The point of this is just that if you want to write about this disorder or cast a character with it, try to understand beyond what you’ve seen or heard portrayed by people who don’t have to live with it.
BPD is usually treated with cognitive behavioral therapy but it’s not at all uncommon to have medication as treatment of some of your symptoms or to be hospitalized for it. Personally I used to be on antipsychotics to help stabilize my moods and it was good but not a cure-all, of course. There is no cure for BPD.
This post is also known as: stop writing Kent Parson as an angsty piece of shit 2k18. I might accept BPD!Parse fics if he’s super excited and manic and forms intense bonds with people and doesn’t want to let them go but also BPD sucks so don’t romanticize it too much but also hello I love Kent Parson
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chillabuse · 7 years ago
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byf
Hi everyone, you can call me Nen. This’ll be a short byf bc I have low standards and am pretty open as to who follows me.
I am a pansexual cis female. I am also a POC, specifically southeast and east asian. This is a trauma side blog and I follow from @cutebitchcal. I post VERY triggering content and try to tag what I can, but if there’s anything you want me to just send me a message. Obviously, I can’t stop you from following if you’re a minor or an adult so that won’t be on my don’t follow listing, but I will block if you apply to my don’t follow.
Professional Diagnoses:
~ CPTSD
~ Bipolar I w/ psychotic features
~ MDD w/ psychotic features
~ Severe panic disorder
~ Acute alcoholism
~ Other chronic pain (lumbar)
I post about:
~ csa
~ r*pe
~ inc*st (ties in w r*pe)
~ physical abuse
~ verbal abuse
~ stuff pertaining to mental health (depression, panic disorder, anxiety, etc)
~ abusive relationships
~ stuff ab my self harm (**just talking ab my experiences and if I relapse, not actual pictures of any relapse stuff)
~ stuff ab alcohol and other miscellaneous illegal things
~ my medications I take and side effects I experience
Do not follow if you:
~ are a MAP/pedophile and/or support/sympathize with those people
~ solely a p*rn blog
~ victim blamer
~ still support people accused of r*pe/sexual assault
~ are a racist/trump supporter/anti blm/homophobic/say the n word if you’re not black
~ any pro-ana account (includes meanspo, thinspo, restricting diets, etc.)
~ self-harm accounts that promote/help others to partake in self harming behaviors (includes tips for cutting, how to go deeper, etc.) (excludes harm reduction accounts and the like obviously)
PSA:
Depending on the situation in terms of my dnf, I will go as far as reporting your account. If you are blatantly promoting self harming behaviors (i.e. cutting, burning, any ed’s, controlled substance abuse) under the guise of “support”, you are sick and you need to seek help. I hold sympathy and empathy for those of you going through this, but there is no valid reason for anyone to be spreading “tips and tricks” on these topics. Please SEEK HELP.
My inbox and private messages are ALWAYS open. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you need help or just want to chat.
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hide-the-cutlery · 5 years ago
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The Four Horsemen
Today was awful. I felt absolutely manic. I was irritated. I was pissed. I was emotional. I was throwing things around while cleaning. (Side note: if you ever want to add some aggravation to your life, try organizing hangers and putting them neatly into a box. Jesus fucking Christ.) I posted a comment on Facebook that turned volatile, where I ended up calling about 25 random strangers idiots, just because I felt like bickering. Talk about backfiring — it essentially wound up with people just picking on me. I swore out loud, loudly, which I knew would upset my parents. I went to the gas station to smoke a cigarette, and when I got home, my father just happened to be in the hallway in front of my room, no doubt trying to look casual, but with the intent of smelling me to see if I smoked one. I think my mother is frightened of me because I couldn’t contain an explosion of frustration I had when I was trying to talk to her and had to force myself to try to speak in a calm tone. I also think she is judging me because I couldn’t stay awake during the afternoon, mostly due to a medication increase. She flat out told me I’ve been loopy the past few days and that it scares her. It’s equally upsetting that I’m only trying to feel better, but it’s scaring people. I’m still trying to adjust to the increase, and after reading up on the medication, the risks and side effects are scary and just plain suck. I’m already fat enough, I can’t wait to gain more weight. Nothing seems to satiate me; I was contemplating making a bagel a few minutes ago. At 2:30am. It would figure that just as I feel like I’m ready to start dating, even though I’m disgusted with my body, I now get to be even more disgusting and insecure. Fucking hell.
The meds are giving me wild dreams. Last night I dreamt I was Baker acted and learned that the cops had been called on me several times, but had gotten stuck in traffic each time. I know I physically attacked at least one person and stabbed my mother. In my dream, my parents had also moved me out of my room and into another. (This has actually happened in real life, but I knew they were going to make me switch rooms. After being in their house a few months after I got out of the hospital, I was kicked out of my room, which I grew up in, and moved into my sister’s old room. She still had a child’s bed when she moved out. So now I’m 32, sleeping on a child’s bed, in my sister’s room, while she’s off living in her nice apartment and getting a useful degree and thriving without a battle with addiction and her mental health. She’ll probably never end up broke, with a useless degree, living in our parents’ house, like I have been the past 2 years because I can’t fucking take care of myself. Anyway, the reason I was relocated? My mother wanted to keep the “guest” (my) room nice for when guests come. Which has been once in the two years and some months since I’ve been here. And it was my grandparents. Clearly I’m still holding a resentment towards her about that, but I seem to have gone on a tangent — back to my dream.) The rooms in the dream weren’t in a house, but in an apartment arranged like the one I spent my freshman year in, except the shapes and sizes were different. The one my stuff was put into while I was at the mental health facility was very strangely shaped and extremely small. Occupying my old, larger, square-shaped room was a girl I used to work with, who I always hated out of jealousy. She began the same position I held about 3 years after I had been hired. I had been promoted by then, so I technically outranked her, but she was the fucking golden girl in my old office. She could do no wrong. The sad thing is if I wasn’t so jealous of her, we probably could have been friends. We even discovered we had dated two brothers! Within months, she was going to conferences around the country and Canada. I was never sent on a conference — just medical leave. Yes, my old boss actually told me I needed a break, and I had to stop working and go on short-term disability for 6ish weeks. I know she was trying to save my ass, because the quality of my work had slipped so low it was probably a fire-able offense, but really now, how many people are told they can’t work until they get some rest and time to focus on addressing some of the stress and grief they are obviously experiencing? I was even sober at the time. Well, what I mean by “sober” is that I wasn’t drinking. Getting so fucking high on Xanax every day, though, that’s a different story... I was getting drunk again by the time I came back to work.
My dreams are terrifyingly realistic. They usually follow the same storyline: I end up involved with a group of male friends and tend to gravitate towards one. He is usually aloof; I spend time with the rest of them to get closer to him. None of them are real people, but creations of my own, lonely mind. It’s funny, but the dreams usually involve Star Wars or WoW. That, or I dream about my ex or old best friend, who I was in love with from my junior year of high school and well into college. Sometimes they blend into one person, which isn’t that strange. They reminded me a lot of each other, and I’d give anything to have one (or both) of them back into my life. Their family is usually around, and more times than not, they are focused on a girl that is not me. Everything feels so real, and I believe I’ve written before about how, even in the dream, I feel/think it shouldn’t be another goddamn girl. It should be me. Often I will become violent towards the other girl, if given the opportunity. I even experience a sense of betrayal that carries on long beyond the dream and into the reality I am sometimes cursed with upon waking. And, of course, I have drinking dreams. Not so surprisingly, it’s actually not only drinking — I’ve had dreams recently about pills and even coke (which I’ve only done 3-4 times!). I have a friend who sees the same psychiatrist as I do, who told me he can prescribe me something to stop the realistic dreams, but honestly, I don’t want that. The pathetic truth is I like my dreams. It’s a way for me to have the opportunity to interact with people I desperately miss, even if it’s painful on occasion. It’s a way to lash out at people I’m angry with without actually doing so. It’s a way to drink and use (although those dreams are usually a saga of finding and keeping the stuff instead of actually having/using it). It’s a way to escape the life I’ve built and despise.
Sometimes I feel like I only live for other people. When I step back and observe my life, it’s often hard for me to point out something I enjoy or that brings me happiness (besides my kitties), including friend/relationships (unless turning back time was realistic). There are are voids in my heart and soul I fear will never be filled. I know I have people who love me and want to be in my life, and I’m trying to let them come in closer instead of pushing them away. The reality, though, is this: I don’t like my life and feel I could never be content unless I morphed it into my old one. I miss the familiarity of it. I miss days on the couch, just watching tv and chatting with people. I miss having my cats inside with me. I miss being the boss. I miss gaming, cranking up my music as loud as I want. Watching, doing, wearing, fucking, leaving, buying, smoking, drinking, taking whatever/whoever/wherever/whenever I wanted. Being messy. Isolating. Escaping. Again, the brutal truth is that I wanted to go out today. I’m sick of relying on pills so I don’t have to face reality. I hate that I can’t face reality — that everything needs to be tuned down so I can function. As I was looking at my life today, I contemplated for a while what I could change to make it enjoyable. “Happy, joyous, and free.” I couldn’t think of anything, and maybe there is a possibility that it’s simply not comprehendible to me at this point. Maybe I’m just not that far along in my healing/recovery yet, and lord knows I need treatment for having BPD or bipolar disorder or whatever the hell theydecide I have as well as the anxiety, panic disorder, depression, substance abuse problems, OCD tendencies, impulse control issues — they being anyone who takes care of me in some sort of fashion. In other words, all my providers.
They have all told me that I cannot drink ever again because my liver can’t take it. I could be dead in weeks, months, a day, who knows. Regardless of the time, I won’t make it out alive if I decide to go for a trip down memory lane. One of the only times I’ve seen a look of actual concern in my psychiatrist’s eyes (his voice is level, calm, and almost caring, but his eyes betray him) was while he was telling me “you don’t want to die from liver failure”. My primary described to me what would happen as my organs would begin to shut down: unbelievable pain, weakness, fluid swelling my whole body, bleeding out from the veins in my throat, no hope... But I don’t want to go like that — in a hospital, attached to monitors, needles under my skin, aides, nurses, doctors, family all shuffling in and out, everyone knowing by my yellow eyes and skin that I did it all to myself. Imagine the shame! No, I’d rather it be like being found on the bathroom floor. I feel like I wouldn’t be missing a lot. How much is there to miss in a world you can’t face? In a reality where you can’t think of a single possible thing to, not even realistically, but hypothetically change to make you happy? (Besides the time thing, or undoing a hell of a lot of bad memories from awful, unfair experiences). Maybe it’s my disease, as they call it, talking. Maybe it’s just something I’ll have to experience instead of trying to imagine. Maybe it’s a lot of things, but all I can possibly fathom, a life beyond my wildest dreams, doesn’t add up to the responsibility I imagine I have to stick around for others. Sometimes, all I feel is Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, and Despair. No one knows those feelings like I do, or I should say no one experiences them like I do. My feelings are intense — too intense, I’ve been told by therapists. So yeah, Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, and Despair push me to wanting to go out so badly sometimes. One last hurrah, and then just end it, but I couldn’t live with the guilt I’d feel. What if it persisted through death? I couldn’t handle that, but ha, I’d be shit out of luck at that point. I suppose I should note that these intense feelings were much more present earlier, but now all I feel is grogginess. It’s 4:40am. I think I’ll read this over once, even though I know it’s confusing, choppy, and just bad, and then try for some sleep. I know my dream self has people she’s waiting to see.
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frickitsconnor · 7 years ago
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Kinda Rant about Connor Murphy
This rant (?) is purely my opinion. If you disagree, so be it.
Reasons why Connor wasn’t a bad person (but he wasn’t a good one either)
1. His mental illness: Connor Murphy has quite a few mental illnesses, all of which can be life changing. From Mike Faist himself, Connor has bipolar disorder. Other illnesses on top of that can be depression, anxiety, and even a slight bout of psychosis. While having these illnesses does not excuse his behavior, it’s very hard living with all of these illnesses, especially without the proper help you need. On top of that, the constant fighting that was sure to go on in his house probably didn’t help.
2. Substance Abuse/Weed Yes, smoking weed is not exactly an amazing thing to do. But if you ask me, Connor may have used weed as a sort of coping method. Sometimes getting high seemed like the only way to escape all of his problems, per se. While he also might have been doing it for the hell of it, there are worse things than weed out there. He could be out killing and robbing people, for fucks sake.
3. His Family Cynthia, his mother - While it is obvious that Cynthia tried to connect with Connor. I feel that in most arguments, she would’ve taken his side. Despite this, Cynthia probably got in the middle of family arguments, and that can be extremely stressful. Larry, his father - Larry was not a bad parent, but he kind of was. To defend him, having a child with any mental illness is hard, especially if said child has more than one. During Break in a Glove, we learn that Larry was trying his best. He talks about all the stuff he should’ve done with Connor, and that he really did want to try and work things out. On the other side of things, Larry shouldn’t have been so harsh on Connor. Both him and Cynthia neglected to get Connor the help he so desperately needed, which could’ve changed everything. Zoe, his sister - Obviously, Connor and Zoe weren’t close. This was to be expected, as Connor threatened to kill her multiple times. Most people in Zoe’s position would feel the same if their brother treated them as such.
Conclusion: Connor Murphy was not a bad person, he really wasn’t. Sure, he did some questionable things over his life span, especially in his last day on Earth. As mentioned, his illness played the biggest role in this. If he had been given the proper medication, and perhaps a therapist, maybe things would have been better for him. Of course, Connor’s suicide wasn’t entirely because of them. It was obvious he had been planning it for a while, and everything that happened seemed to push him over the edge. In short, Connor doesn’t deserve all the hate he gets, even though he wasn’t the best person.
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tiredbiplantlady · 7 years ago
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bipolar ask posted by loloren69 
General:
1. Type 1 or type 2? 
I don’t really know. I could speculate as a psych master’s student, but I don’t feel comfortable making that call. I only know my therapist told me I was bipolar, said I was manic, and described mania to me and specified my behaviors that fell in line with that, no doubt about it, which would indicate bipolar I
2. Self-dx or professional dx? 
Self-suspected, professional confirmed 
3. Are you currently hypo/manic, depressed, mixed, stable, or not sure?
Hypomanic at the least, but it feels like I’m coming down because I’m exhausted for the first time in a while and 6 or 7 days of barely sleeping  
4. Do you have any other mental illnesses/disorders? 
I’ve had a diagnosable form of nearly every anxiety disorder in the DSM at different times since childhood and was diagnosed with various disorders from ADD to dysthymia and adjustment disorder. I consider my only other still-valid diagnosis to be PTSD, but it’s in remission.
5. When did you first start having symptoms? 
In retrospect I’d say the mood problems started around 15, but it got way worse in 2014 and worse still in 2015. the depressive symptoms were out of control and may have been a mixed episode (age 22) 
6. When did you realize/learn that you have bipolar? 
I suspected it briefly as a teenager even though I didn’t know shit about it, but didn’t think about it again until the past year and then the past few months my therapist identified symptoms I described as hypomania and in the last week as mania 
7. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis?
I don’t know if my former diagnoses were necessarily “misdiagnoses” - I think symptoms change over time, new things come up, other things trail off. I think one professional can see symptoms and call it one thing and another professional can call it something else. It’s complicated and subjective. 
8. How self-aware are you on a scale of 1-10? 
LMAO I am the most over-analyzing, self-aware person - easy 9 or 10
9. How many people know about your bipolar disorder? 
Couple people. I’m skeptical about talking about disorders, especially new diagnoses because I’m insecure about what people think because I’ve received several from different professionals, and outside people tend to just see a shifting diagnosis and think I’m making shit up “new year, new diagnosis” always gotta have “something wrong with me” to talk about. Which isn’t how I feel and labels don’t really mean shit, it’s the symptoms and their treatment I care about. A label is just a fast way to describe something complex. sorry it took a while to figure out what was wrong and i went thru many labels before landing here
10. Are any of your family members bipolar? 
Two formal diagnoses/very related diagnoses that I know of (grandma - MDD w/psychotic features, highly likely undiagnosed bipolar based on past behaviors (delusions, hallucinations, yelling on top of a roof, etc. police called, institutionalization), uncle - bipolar I w/psychotic features). some others I suspect, imo
11. Name three fictional characters you relate to and/or headcanon as bipolar. 
Uhhh Ian Gallagher. I’m not creative with this right now and I haven’t thought about this at all. 
Hypo/mania:
12. When hypo/manic, do you get euphoric, dysphoric, angry, creative, social, or several of the above? 
It depends. It seems like I get euphoric, creative and social sometimes, and euphoric, agitated (not angry), and dysphoric other times. But those cluster together
13. What has been your longest hypo/manic episode? 
I think it was from November 2016 to January 2017, so like 3 months, but it was the first “episode” I noted and kept even some track of after the fact. I may have had others in the past. 
14. Have you ever had a psychotic episode? What symptoms did it include? 
I’ve had two depressive episodes that I can specifically certainly note that included delusions (lasted just over a month to two months) of the somatic variety. 
15. What kind of impulsive decisions have you made? 
Where do I start? Over-spending, over-eating, drinking to excess, impulsive risky sex/sexual situations/hypersexuality, getting tattoos/piercings (kinda goes with spending, but I mention it specifically because it’s permanent), long-distance travel without telling anyone where I was going, cheating, lying, not thinking ahead and it hurting people, falling in love, ending relationships, general recklessness and selfishness. I’m sure there’s more and I’m not proud of it in the slightest, so please don’t think I am. 
16. What’s the most money you’ve spent in a single day while hypo/manic? 
$200-300
17. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep? 
Period...um. I couldn’t say. Probably 2 with NO sleep and with minimal sleep (3-4 hours) over a week
18. Are you a creative type? Have you ever made a poem/song/other artwork about being bipolar? 
I’m creative, but I don’t write about being bipolar because I never fully considered myself to be so until recently. I’ve written about mood instability and trauma a TON tho. And much of my art work is and always has been about duality, mixed emotions, extremes, and highs/lows. 
Depression:
19. When depressed, do you get suicidal, bored, anxious, guilty, or several of the above? 
It depends, but I’m mostly unmotivated as fuck and empty. I start feeling worthless and unlovable and I hate myself. Sometimes I feel suicidal, but have never attempted and won’t. I’ve self-harmed and planned how to kill myself, but was never intending to do it. I’ve spent the majority of my life in a state of constant anxiety so there’s that, especially when depressed. Irrational guilt and sluggishness are common for me with depression. Once in a while my mood dives along with my energy, but my mind is over-worked and highly anxious, which is when the delusions I’ve had occurred. 
20. What has been your longest depressive episode? 
Fuck...months upon months. I couldn’t tell you. Maybe even a year or more, which is why I was misdiagnosed as dysthymic as a teenager 
21. How do you cope with depression? 
In the past, I didn’t. I suffered massively. Now, I’m still not so great with it. I talk in therapy and I write, but even still I tend to stay in bed and feel numb/mope/distract myself with anything I can. I tend to be able to function enough to go to school because I feel like my life and future depends on it, am anxious as fuck, and do my best but end up with late work, being withdrawn and feeling doomed to fail, believe I’m doing far worse than I am and that I’m awful and don’t deserve to be there
22. Are you a sleep-all-day depressive or an insomniac depressive? Do you overeat or lose your appetite? 
It depends, but in the most recent past, sleep-all-day and overeat. But I’ve been sleep-all-day and no appreciative and I’ve also been insomniac and overeat (2013-14) 
23. When is the last time you cried or had a breakdown? 
Tuesday August 1, 2017 (9 days ago) 
24. Have you ever self-harmed? 
YUP. Razor blades/cutting, punishing binge-eating, starvation, and abusive risky BDSM/relationships/sex 
25. Have you had problems with substance abuse? 
Not really, but I’ve drank a little lately 
26. Have you ever attended AA/NA/etc? 
No 
27. Have you ever attempted suicide? 
No 
28. Have you ever written a suicide note?
Yes, but it was just to get it out. I threw it out after I wrote it. 
Other symptoms and treatment:
29. Do you ever dissociate? 
Y U P 
30. Do you ever have hallucinations? If so, what are they? 
No hallucinations. I’ve thought I’ve heard shit before, but I’m pretty sure it was a fluke and I want to believe in ghosts so. Call me crazy if you want, but what the fuck ever. I’ve had delusions only 
31. Do you see a therapist? Do you feel like it’s helping? 
Yes and yes 
32. Are you on any medications? Do you feel like they’re helping? 
No, not anymore, and I fucking hate anti-depressants, refuse mood-stabilizers and anti-psychotics and maybe want to keep having some anxiety meds
33. Have you ever been hospitalized? 
No, and I want to keep it that way 
34. Have you ever attended group therapy? 
No, but I’ve conducted roleplay group therapy baahaha
35. Have any of your symptoms gotten worse over the years? 
Yeah, I think the manic shit has gotten worse over the last 2 years 
36. Have any of your symptoms gotten better over the years? 
I think the depressive stuff has gotten a little better, or maybe just less frequent  
37. Do you have a favorite coping method? 
What does that mean...healthy or unhealthy...I guess I like meditation and I fucking miss working out A LOT. I like drinking as an unhealthy thing, but I’m sure I’ll hate it as much as I hate binge-eating once it catches up to me if I let it get that far. I’m tired of gaining weight after the 80 pounds I lost, and it’s really fucking with my self-esteem, makes me feel frustrated and sick 
38. If you could choose to be neurotypical, would you?
 No 
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emmajackielee · 8 years ago
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Medical Log: January 17, 2017
Suicide Risk Assessment
I practiced OSCE today for assessing suicidal risk. I was actually quite confident in this, because I had practiced this many times. Unfortunately, the “actor” in this case acted like a patient who had just attempted suicide and been saved, instead of a patient who had been talked into helping out with medical student exams. This meant I had to convince this patient to be cooperative, which I struggled with.
The comments were same old, same old. “I think you would have done much better in English. It’s OK, I’m sure you’ll improve with practice.” I don’t believe those reassurances anymore.
Verbal report: 40 year old lady was admitted from the A/E for attempted suicide by following 100 pills after her husband left her. She reportedly acted on impulse and did not write suicide notes or take preventive measures of being discovered. She expresses no remorse but repeatedly states desire to die. She was not under the influence of alcohol or other substances. She has no previous history of suicide attempt or depression. She has poor social support and is currently unemployed.
Plan of management is to admit the patient into the psychiatric ward for treatment of depression and continuous monitoring of suicidal risk. If she refuses, compulsory admission.
Bipolar Affective Disorder
50+/F with known bipolar affective disorder admitted for relapse of manic symptoms due to non-adherence to drug treatment. She had irritability, distractability, flight of ideas, and reduced need for sleep (needing 2 hours of sleep each night instead of the usual 8 hours).
Substance abuse
22/F with methamphetamine abuse since 17 years old currently in remission for 2 months. Started due to peer pressure from boyfriend at the time’s friend and used daily leading to auditory hallucinations. Committed to drug rehabilitation center by her mother. Experienced low energy, inability to concentrate, and cravings when she first tried to quit but did not experience tolerance. Broke up with previous boyfriend and other drug-abusing acquaintances but current boyfriend is abuses methamphetamine. Mental state exam normal.
Dementia
70+/F with dementia, depression, and anxiety. It was difficult to take a history from her for obvious reasons.
Stuff I Learned
ABC of suicide risk assessment
Antecedent: trigger
Behavior: suicide method, suicide note, measures to prevent from being saved
Consequence: remorse
Compulsory admission
If the patient is mentally ill but poses a significant risk to self or others, it is to offer psychiatric admission in view of her best interests against her will
Form 1, 2, 3, 4
Form 1: applicant/family member/social work (if cannot find any of the above, another doctor)
Form 2: doctor specializing in psychiatry
Form 3: lawyer
This arrangement allows for a balance of power. These forms allow compulsory admission for 7 days
If patient is not better after 7 days, Form 4 is signed by the case MO, applying for extension for 21 days
Compulsory admission is longer in UK for up to 6 months
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