#definitely have but have not been able to get diagnosed because they want to contact my abusife family to question them about my childhood:

[willoftrees]

anxiety so bad i never draw and it's hard to kiss my husband

[the-maddened-hatter]

Alright so I pretty much said all of this verbatim on a reblog of someone else's post, but I wanted to put it here on my blog too.

As I've mentioned before, I would *very* much like to see Peri canonically having a disability that causes him to use his wand/cane and not just have it be an accessory, and so I analyzed the episodes he's in that I've been able to see so far and came up with a few observations:

As much as I'd be unopposed to seeing it portrayed, leg issues don't really seem like a major deal to fairies in general given as Cosmo misplaced his for most of an episode and a pair of sticks were a good enough replacement for him to have fun at the arcade in human form (without even drawing human attention)

And Peri can apparently use his powers as listed above without his cane since he doesn't always immediately have it on his person (especially since Dev & Hazel took his cane in Lost in Fairy World and he didn't have any power or mobility problems)

But!

I *could* easily see him having some kind of magical fatigue issue or magical equivalent of hypotonia or balance disorder, since he's shown to be

very tired after a morning spent magically creating cupcakes (a probably small but very repetitive task that leaves him running low on energy)

When his stationary float is disrupted he remains seated instead of floating back up again

3. A minor contact/startle reflex is enough to disrupt his hover and cause him to immediately fall pretty hard if not very far

4. speaking of distance, he is shown to sometimes float a bit lower than his parents, which, while not consistent and likely just an animation choice, could tie in with the other points to support the diagnosis theory

However, pain may admittedly be more of a factor than the above images suggest,

he may not just be tired from shape shifting like I'd thought since right before that he was walking (albeit in horse form) and afterwards (low) cloud float is apparently easier and faster for him than just quickly trotting past his parents

He also didn't really seem to be having too much of a problem at all before he hit the ground

Where it goes to a definitely tired and possibly more pained look.

Maybe he didn't want to tell Dev that it was painful either out of pride or because he didn't want to potentially upset him and just went with "tired" because that was what he assumed. It'd be interesting to see if it happens again in a different form.

Personally I think it'd be cool to see both and have it be a chronic condition (directly magical or otherwise) that he already had before the series began (diagnosed or not).

If he's the first fairy kid born in a long time he probably would have been monitored very closely, but it may have taken a while for doctors to notice a problem since there was little reference for comparison and may have even caused some potentially serious problems that gave Comso & Wanda a bad scare, which could tie in pretty well with their developing a high amount of over protectiveness of him, and that in turn leading him to try and behave too far in the other direction (not seeking help when he really does need it, pushing himself way too hard and suffering the fallout which he then tries to hide, ect)

If he's undiagnosed but having the problems it could be interesting to see sort of an inversion of the "character must learn to accept their disability" storyline wherein he's more connecting certain events & symptoms and we get to see him adapting to accommodations and letting himself try different approaches moreso than to having new symptoms (though we as the audience may see these symptoms more or behaviors contextualized as symptoms where they weren't necessarily before).

Idk either way I just think it would be cool (and I've probably put away more analysis into this than will ever pay off lol)

also to everyone who draws him as a disabled mobility device user: ILY please draw more of it it feeds my soul

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not wanting to move back in with my family?

The lead up to this is a bit long, but I feel like the context is necessary. After my first year of college, my (then20, FTM) father (40s, M) was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and could not work anymore. He also could not be left to his own devices, so I had to take time off school and come home to watch him and my younger sibling (then 11NB) while my mother (40s F) would work. That sucked for multiple reasons, including being responsible for all the asshole bullshit he’s pulled (when I say asshole, I mean it. He used to fake - by his own admission - epileptic seizures to get out of doing the most minor chores or exercises recommended by his doctors), my mothers violent transphobia (to the point of driving me to a mental breakdown when I asked about starting HRT) and emotional abuse towards myself and my sib. She never believed my complaints about my father and was convinced I was being lazy and irresponsible with his care. In addition to that, they moved to this area after I started college, so I was in a completely unfamiliar (and not particularly queer friendly) place, socially isolated, and so on and so forth. This shit sucked. I was promised I’d be able to go back after one semester, but after a few months it has been made painfully clear to me that this is not an option. Then COVID happened, and next year my college was fully remote. This way I was able to complete my sophomore year online. I was finally released for junior year and have not come back home since with the exception of one short-term visit, when my mother went abroad to visit our extended family. (We’re immigrants.)

I graduated this year. When I started my job search, I was planning to stay in the area and applied to jobs accordingly, with the exception of one position advertised by my college. This one would be in a major city very close to my family, so I’d be able to live with them. I was idiot enough to mention that to my mother. The gig didn’t pan out, so I settled on staying where I am and continued to search for a job, a place to live, and so on. I secured a place to live recently and was again dumb enough to share that with my mother. (Yes, I have a pattern. I’m working on it. ) The next day, my sib contacts me and asks if I could come live with them. Sib got into a really good high school with a focus on a field of study they want to go into for a career and have a real knack for. It’s kinda far from where they live right now, but they found an apartment much closer to it. Rent is a lot higher than they can afford, though. My mother lost her job when she refused to get vaccinated nearly a year ago (she used to work in healthcare), and since then she hasn’t been officially employed. She’s been getting by with instacart and my father’s disability payments.

If I lived with them and found a job there, they’d definitely be able to afford rent. Moving there, while undesirable, is not out of the realm of possibility, and my mother has been a lot better about treating me like a person and not being transphobic. Not perfect, but better. They also would not be living with dad because mom is at the end of her rope with him and is looking into a nursing home his insurance would cover. I would also be saving up money by living with them, I’d definitely have reliable health insurance, a roof over my head and so on and so forth. My personal autonomy, personal space, and most likely mental health would be absolutely out the window. I’m still traumatized by these 2 years I spent with them. Not to mention nearly complete social isolation. I wouldn’t even be able to see my boyfriend properly, there would be about 8 hrs’ worth of a drive between us.

So. Will I be the asshole if I leave my family to struggle on their own? I already sacrificed a lot for their sake. I don’t know that I can keep doing that to myself.

What are these acronyms?

[elskamo]

More Shitty Life Updates

TLDR for those who wanna know but don't wanna read the whole thing: Mum forced me to reveal trauma that I wasn't ready to share, followed by getting Sciatica then being made redundant the next day. In pain, need money, you know where this is going.

The whole thing: I've been struggling a bit (okay, a lot) more than usual over the past week or so, yet again I've had quite a few negative life events one after the other. I am in the process of getting help for everything happening right now, I'm doing all I can to take care of both my mental and physical health.

Last Monday Mum realised my mental health has been getting worse again and refused to leave me alone until I told her what was going on. She kept badgering me for information and making up random accusations about what could have happened. She also kept sneaking into my old bedroom and looking through my belongings to try and find... fuck knows what honestly.

I've recently started delving into a past trauma with my counsellor that I'm not ready to share yet with anyone, let alone my mum, I will not be elaborating on it any further than this. Eventually it got to the point where I was forced to tell her, she cycled between being disgusted, accusing me of making things up, getting mad at me, and attempting to be supportive for a couple days. Frankly I feel violated as hell and it made my mental health nosedive even further.

By Wednesday morning I suddenly started getting shooting pains from my lower back going all the way down my right leg. It got to the point where I collapsed from the pain and had to be sent home from the office early. It took hours getting bounced back and forth between 111, the GP surgery, and out of hours care. Eventually they diagnosed me with Sciatica and managed to arrange for me to pick up some prescription painkillers the next day. The pain is nowhere near as bad as it was last week but I'm struggling to walk because of it and I haven't been outside in days.

The nail in the coffin came on Thursday morning when one of my bosses called to check up on me. He let me know that at the start of the week three of the staff had a meeting where they agreed that when my probation period finished at the end of October they were gonna let me go because they've decided my position at the company isn't what they need right now. Since I had to go off sick from the Sciatica they said they'd instead just make me redundant now.

It really came out of the blue, especially as I've been uncovering a lot of marketing, commerce, and general technical issues since I've been employed there and there's definitely no shortage of work for me to do. My mum is convinced they're lying and don't want me because of my health issues but there's no way of proving that. It does mean that I'm unemployed again and need to go through a few meetings with Universal Credit who will want me to get a new job ASAP regardless of my health.

So yeah, right now I feel like garbage. I've got help from one of my friends to sort out the UC stuff, particularly with proving my health issues. I'm still waiting to find out what I'm getting paid for work this month, since the phone call last Thursday no one has reached out to me to discuss pay or handing over tasks or logins. When the Sciatica isn't affecting my mobility anymore I'll be able to start reaching out to my contacts again and get help with job hunting and networking.

As usual all this means I'll probably be cycling between being ghostly silent or desperately looking for comfort content. Hopefully it's not gonna take another half a year to find a new job but if anyone is able to please donate on Ko-Fi or buy something off Redbubble or Ebay (the latter is UK only right now). Etsy is still pretty barren as things got kinda manic while I was setting it up but it should be properly up and running soon now I have a lot of time to spare again. I feel crappy to have to keep doing this but please do help if you're able to!

[zebulontheplanet]

hai, and this question is going to sound HELLA WEIRD, maybe, possibly, please dont throw hate at me as i have it on paper too.

so on a meeting with this doctor at the psychiatrist clinic, i noticed he'd written that i have an ID, i have never been told, nor seen in my diagnosis (autism) that i have an intellectual disability, so i was like "huh??? what, WHY"

and im genuinely wondering, what does it even mean? what does being intellectually disability even mean? what are the symptoms. im honestly confused af about it :s

and not to be rude, i am diagnosed with autism, but are you able telling me what the difference between ID and autism is? im not saying they're the same, im honestly just confused about autism, ID, and the worst thing is i feel like i never learn anything because im constantly confused as to how im even autistic, i've been diagnosed since like 2013, and everything still confuses me, really my issue is i cant tell things apart, what is part of the ID,and what is part of autism.

please dont hate on me, i tried my best to explain as nicely as i can because i get hate for coming off like im being mean and hateful when all i am is confused, and i just want someone to please explain and help me.

thank you. c:

hope your weekends going well btw.

Hello! I get what you mean completely and I’m gonna try my best to explain.

I’m assuming that while with this doctor you had some type of testing done. Or didn’t, which would be really weird unless ID was on past medical records.

If you were being tested then they probably ran a few tests and found that you had ID. I know that this is probably a shock because you probably weren’t expecting it. I would also email the doctor or call and get confirmation.

ID itself affects your problem solving skills, ability to learn, and more but those are the main ones.

ID means you have a IQ 70 or below. While autism has nothing to do with IQ.

There’s no black and white “this is autism, this is ID” their symptoms have a lot of overlap and it’s hard to tell the difference.

I hope this is helpful! If you didn’t have any testing and it’s just on your chart then definitely contact that doctor and ask why he diagnosed you with it. If you have anymore questions then feel free to ask!

[doin-just-fine]

What the brain doin?? PT. 2 of a questioning median system's journey

TW: This post may be triggering for systems who are prone to denial spirals.

"Plural vs Neurodivergent"

Am I a system or just neurodivergent

As I continue my potential system journey I want to make sure that I am open to other non-options as being answers to my situation. I don't wanna jump blindly into "I'm a system". I need to keep in mind that I am neurodivergent and just so happen to have a hyper-fixation on plurality. I need to remember that some symptoms may be confused with symptoms of my ADHD. I also need to make sure that I'm not just running into this because its one of my hyper-fixations. So...

Comparing masking and code switching to my experiences

Background

I was never really told about my ADHD beyond it makes it harder for you to control impulses, sit still, and focus. When I was diagnosed at age 8 there wasn't really enough information out there anyway. I started medication immediately and have been taking in every single day of my life since. I am now 22.

What handling my ADHD like this means:

Developing a tolerance to a dosages happened faster because I never took a break so I was on a really strong dosages really fast.

I grew up really distant from my ADHD symptoms (and other things) beyond the ones that broke through the medicated barrier.

When I take breaks from my meds now, I have the coping skills of a 2nd grader.

I am almost 100% certain that all my system questioning started when I ran out of meds and couldn't get more for several weeks back in April. The other things I grew up distant from were my emotions. I can feel the highs and lows but I can't feel the in-betweens. If you ask how I'm doing at any given moment I'll usually answer "idk" cus I genuinely don't know. I don't know how to answer that question.

My working theory as to why we might be a system is that we are a Neurogenic system. That our neurodivergency and how we coped with it is why we split off but in a "not-really" way.

Since I grew up with little information about what ADHD was and how distant I grew up from my own symptoms means that I am less familiar with the definitions of masking and code-switching than your average ADHD haver. I understand what they are and when I do them but I am fuzzy on how far those coping techniques go for me.

Comparing masking/code-switching to a plural experience.

Masking is typically defined as a technique used by neurodivergent people to hide their symptoms in an attempt to blend in with neurotypicals. Examples of this that I know I do are forcing eye contact, adding fill words when listening to someone to show you are actively listening ("right", "uh-huh", "totally", etc) usually paired with non-stop head nodding, not stimming or relying of little subtle stims, putting up with sensory nightmare environments, etc. When I find that when I'm adding things to my mask I have to actively remind myself while masking to do the thing but overtime it becomes habit.

Code-switching is typically associated with linguistics but is also used to describe the neurodivergent technique of context masking. From what I can tell, code-switching is what happens if you have two different friend groups with two very different vibes. When you hang out with one group you're going to mask and present yourself differently to fit in better than you would with the other group. Another popular example is theres you when you're with your friends and you're when you work in costumer service. Typically, those are two different ways of behaving. Code-switching and masking tend to over lap. Code-switching is like being able to pick the mask you put on.

I've read that typically, masking is unconsciously executed and code-switching is consciously executed.

Switching/Fronting can definitely fall into a similar pattern. If an alter is fronting and need to interact with someone they may mask to appear like the host OR if the host is co-con they may take control for a moment when interacting with someone. Similarly, some systems may have a member who's role is to go to work and so they may appear as the "work persona". I'm also sure there are systems who have members that are drawn out while around certain friends or friend groups, or even other system's alters!

You can start to see why this can get really confusing!!

Comparing my experience

It's so hard to draw the line on what is or isn't a "typical" experience anymore.

I disagree with the idea that masking is typically unconsciously utilized for me at least. I feel like my mask is always evolving and being improved upon, as a result I am constantly thinking about it and how well it's working. Yes, a lot of the mask becomes habit but on days where masking is hard I have to actively think about keeping up the mask.

As for code switching I feel like that can also become more unconscious over time. I worked in customer service for 4 years, I only had to actively think about code-switching for the first month really then it just became habit. In my first post, when describing what it's like to exist in my brain, one way I described it was:

"The way people describe masking but for me it feel like a more extreme level, where I’m not TRYING to change my behavior, it just sorta happens and I’m 'someone else'. What I called masking felt more like skipping songs in a playlist to get to the right one instead of putting on a mask."

I think this is actually me describing code switching. The other descriptions I listed in that post still stand.

I have never experienced someone else fronting (to my knowledge). As far as I'm aware I'm always in the front. I have no amnesia except for emotional amnesia where I am emotionally detached from certain memories. I'm going to make a separate post about dissociation because that's another confusing one. To really simplify, The closest I get to evidence of others in my mind are thoughts that don't feel like mine, and feelings that don't feel like mine.

I don't want to reflect on past times where I think someone may have been co-con and compare that to how I experience masking/code-switching because I can easily insert things that never happened into that reflection. Mayhaps I will wait until a moment like that happens after I post this and I'll make an edit to the post and reblog it.

Until then don't know what to conclude from all of this. Hopefully it helps someone else compare their experiences. If I am wrong about thing stated here please let me know. As always if you want me to expand upon something mentioned or have any questions, comments, or comparisons my asks are open please feel free to put it all there!!!

[brokenhardies]

woo woo, margarita, and long island iced tea + gwen, amber, and madoka?

𝘄𝗼𝗼 𝘄𝗼𝗼 〜 what’s their relationship like with their parent(s)/guardian(s)?

Gwen

Her relationship with Spencer's good! Better than her relationship with her dad! To summarise - being used as a DNA experiment, then p much being abandoned with your 'brother' for two years having to lie about his identity just for your father's sake, and then, after everything's been resolved he goes back and makes more robots???? Gwen literally takes Dax's name for that sole reason.

Amber

She has a pretty healthy relationship with her parents - well, the one that's still alive anyway! Her mum - Carol - became her rock after her dad died, even though she's busy with her work - being a nurse is a rough go when dealing with your 10 year old child grieving the death of her father - but Amber doesn't hold it against her. They're close but not like 'friends' close, there are boundaries and Carol knows that there are rules, but Amber also knows when her mum needs her space!

Madoka

In spite of her having a very close relationship with her parents, she constantly feels expected to reach very high for her dad's lofty goals. After finding out that Yuuki didn't tell him about Kamoshida, Eikichi is mortified and believes that Madoka's hiding things from him out of fear, so he tries to become more open, but even then that messes up. It's sad, and he's trying his best -- probably because of his own relationship with his father he kind of overcompensates. Plus as a Wild Card (headcanon taken by @hobie-doh), Eikichi can hear Della Rose and later, Hel, so he knows that she's probably a Persona user but doesn't know how or why she got the powers, but that's like awkward to bring up at the dinner table

𝗺𝗮𝗿𝗴𝗮𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗮 〜 does your oc have any disorders or disabilities?

Gwen

Gwen is pretty able-bodied! She has an inferiority complex if that counts as a 'disorder' :')

Amber

Amber is definitely neurodiverse but she hasn't gotten diagnosed yet, mostly due to not knowing if she's actually neurodiverse or if she's just being 'weird'. Probably has a Cluster-B Personality disorder of some description

Madoka

Madoka has both Autism and ADHD! tbh i also kind of wanna make her dyspraxic bc as someone who managed to get my coordination issues in check bc i really wanted to play the violin it seems like something Madoka would do as well!

𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘀𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝗰𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗲𝗮 〜 who are some of your oc’s best friends?

Gwen

Up until meeting the Overdrive team, she didn't have any friends outside of Mack. Now, she has a tonne of friends - mostly in the team -, and stays in contact with them even if they're far apart. She also - somewhat - considers Jane Fairview her friend, mostly because she treats J-Borg like a person and not an experiment lol

Amber

Nate and Rachel have both been in her life the longest and she loves them platonically so much. She met Nate at a grief support group but they both felt bad bc their parents died long before they joined the group and felt like they shouldn't be there, so they hit it off. Then Rachel joined and they've been thick as thieves since! I'd also say Billy is one of her closest friends, they both know each other's secrets and other embarrassing traits :')

Madoka

Hifumi Togo became her friend upon moving to Kosei. Much like Madoka, Hifumi didn't have many friends, so Madoka immediately scooped her up, and she's kind of become her 'extrovert adopts introvert' friend. She also encourages Hifumi to get together with the protag, and is very happy when she finally confesses her feelings to him!

[reality-detective]

Energy Update 👇

✨ Wohooooooo! Dear family, are you feeling it yet? This time it's nothing that comes from the Sun. What we're feeling now is the effect of Cosmic Rays (a higher vibrational frequency-much higher-than that of the Sun because energy particles enter at a higher speed) entering through our Magnetosphere. When solar activity decreases, the Sun's General Radiation Index also lowers, and that causes our "shield" (the Heliosphere that creates a magnetic field that catches Cosmic Rays) to let in more Cosmic Radiation. Although we are under geomagnetic conditions Kp 4 actually the general activity of the Sun decreased after the March 23 Geomagnetic Storm Kp8 which in addition to causing us several symptoms, overloaded electrical installations in different parts around the world and unusual activity on cell phones, electronics and watches. ☀️💥

✨ So they may be feeling dizzy, unexpectedly tired (general muscle weakness), burning in the brain (mostly right side), pricking pain in the back of the neck and lots of pressure in the facial bones. It is also normal to feel irritated eyes, hear tones or buzzing in the ears, heat or tickling in the throat, palate and tongue. Some may experience a vasovagal syncope because the nerve is particularly sensitive to cosmic Rays. That nerve is one of the main ones of our Nervous System and it goes from the head to the lower abdomen connecting with all organs. The symptoms of vasovagal syncope are: dizziness, tunnel vision, nausea, sensation of heat, paleness, cold and wet sweat, blurred vision, slow pulse, abnormal movements due to lack of motor coordination. The vasovagal syncope lasts only a few minutes and improves immediately if you lay down or place your head between your knees (restores heart rate and regulate blood pressure). It doesn't always happen, but to many people and that's why I put it on here. It may also happen that they feel "soul leaving the body", that their body is moving unintentionally (as if they were being pushed in different directions, or losing balance), that they move in slow motion, and that they speak slower than usual. They may also "lose" time lapses, accidentally break things (like they couldn't measure space) and anticipate dialogues when talking to other people or when they're watching a movie or series. You might also notice that everything is made of "pixels", colored orbits, white flashes on peripheral vision, or shadows (like tissues) of different colors. 🪐✨

✨ The entry of Cosmic Rays causes lucid dreams, visions, downloads of information, epiphanies and all experiences related to the expansion of our Consciousness. They do not resist and flow, if you feel very uncomfortable physically a massage with lavender oil helps a lot, as does holding quartz (no matter neither the color nor the size, but if it is transparent much better). Epsom salt baths also serve (although just dipping your feet in a tub), contact with water and trees and plants. 💫

✨ They are not going crazy, they are not going to get rid of their body, their life is not at risk, nor do they have a serious disease that no one has been able to diagnose (although it is never too much to go to the doctor if their symptoms are very strong, at least to make them feel calmer). Anxiety will stop feeling like anxiety when you take on your physical adaptation process with an open mind and heart. Trust the Divine Plan and have patience and faith. Everything is perfect. 🙏✨

I felt wonky yesterday and today... Definitely a different vibrational energy for sure. I had things to do yesterday and I didn't want to be around people doing anything. 🤔

[storiedhistories]

Send me a ⭐ and I'll tell you muses I want to throw your way! // Accepting!

@brittlefcrged asked: ⭐ ❤️❤️❤️❤️

OH BOY, OKAY, HERE WE GO.

I've already mentioned Vastra and I'm stupidly excited already. I genuinely think it's going to be pretty amazing.

To kind of build on that, Nine would also work to help her as much as he could, but it would definitely be in a more platonic sort of way, in an "I'm the Doctor, and you clearly need help, so I'm gonna give it to you. OH, that's an interesting power you have, and you should be able to figure it out without people telling you you're crazy" sort of way.

Crowley would find her fascinating, ngl. He would very much be able to help her in a lot of ways, though it would definitely be in that "I'm not actually helping you" sort of way that they have. Still, he's very much not human and would be able to tell her that actually, you've got powers, surprise! And would very much Deal With Her Aunt because.....he's still a demon.

Orpheus is another good option to help her out if she wants to get back into music. In verses where he doesn't get torn apart by maenads, he becomes something of a patron of the arts and could have found her through her music. Plus, he's not exactly a god, but he's kind of god-adjacent, and has a lot of power and influence through his own music (and is a lot less naive the longer he's been around).

If you feel like a slightly less modern and more D&D-related (or honestly a sort of modern verse that just has magic), Zahra is a lot like Vastra in that she's no-nonsense but also very understanding when she needs to be. She very much enjoys taking care of people, in many different ways, and she has quite a few contacts in many different fields.

My OC Van is kinda technically a paranormal investigator (she wouldn't put it like that, but it's what she is), so it could be pretty interesting to have them interact! Van lives in her van and mostly focuses on hunting down the vampires that (she thinks) killed her dad, but she has some knowledge in other areas too.

And then Aster can fit into pretty much anywhere! He's usually a child of Dionysus, and his own powers stem from the fact that Dionysus is so much more than just the god of wine. He would very much be able to tell that Reese has been getting the wrong diagnoses, and he would do everything he could to try to help her, whether that's from the point of view of a therapist or a friend or anything else. ^^

[thefeathercollective]

26 April: If you're interested in other people/want contact, how do you normally make contact with others? Do you stay where you are and hope that they approach you, or do you approach them?

If you're not interested in other people, do others respect and understand that? Were you negatively affected by the "autistics are very social actually and want friends, they just don't know how to do that!" mentality (for example that everyone tries to force social interactions because they think you secretly want social contacts)?

i pasted both parts of the question because even though we're interested in contact now, that didn't use to be the case.

from ages 3-5ish we had absolutely zero interest in talking to/playing with/befriending anyone our age or otherwise. the only type of interaction we'd purposefully start would be with the Boy We Chose To Be Our "Crush" For The Year. nothing like barely being a person and already having to deal with amatonormativity /s

of course, the adults would get worried and stuff. if we were diagnosed at that age they'd definitely try to force many interactions. but i pasted the question mostly because our mother, after finally accepting our diagnosis, bought into the lonely autistic mentality and came to us all like OH POOR CHILD YOU when. no skdhskd

now that we have interest in people, though! we had a pattern all throughout elementary/middle school where we would gain 1 sorta-friend a year, towards the end of the school year, way after every classmate had already chatted a bit and figured out their little groups. we would be invited into a pre-existing one (rare) or be approached by the fellow outcasts, hang out at recess and maybe find some interests that kept us together.

in high school and now college, though, especially after getting our diagnosis, we've been able to find the fellow neurodivergents on purpose and start friendships ourselves with a lot of effort! and somehow we acquired wayyy too many friends and friend groups. and we can't keep up. send help /j

[computerfrog2000]

So as an update to this post by @whalesharkpasta :

I wanted to do an updated version for myself after thinking more about my autism symptoms and recent-ish regression/burn out I’ve experienced.

So when it comes to how strangers perceive me in public, it mostly depends on how overwhelmed or stressed I am. If someone is casually observing me I can either just appear fidgety and aloof, or I can be ticcing, moving unusually, and unaware of my surroundings where I’m running into things and other people.

Now when I actually interact with a stranger that’s a different story. All focus goes to just being able to say what I need. This will involve stuttering, completely forgetting words and how tone works, and long pauses to get my thoughts together. And with fidgeting and little to no eye contact. I think most people realize there’s something up with me at this point. Luckily most of the time they are patient and kind.

I am constantly moving my body repetitively and “weirdly” and rarely notice that I’m doing it. Most of the time I think it’s funny that I do this and my boyfriends poke fun at me at how I do things and maneuver around. Other times it can be problematic where my tics can’t be controlled or I run into things/other people. I often have bruises of unknown origin from banging into things and not feeling it.

My meltdowns often can lead me to banging my head or even trying to run away. Meltdowns usually lead to shutdowns afterwards, or shutdowns happen on their own. Shutdowns can and often do make me go catatonic and unable to speak. This can last anywhere from like 20 minutes to a couple hours.

I was in general education and got speech therapy and was in “social skills” groups in elementary school. I definitely should have gotten occupational therapy for my sensory processing and motor skill issues. I luckily am getting that now at the age of 24… I was not diagnosed with anything when I was a kid due to weird reasons like my parents and pediatrician not wanting to label me with anything. Plus my mom having sexist views on girls having autism. Even though she is a speech therapist. She actually was my speech therapist at my school since she worked there.

When it comes to my language, I completely understand what others are saying for the most part, except for auditory processing stuff, once I know what words they’re saying I do understand. I struggle with expressive language most of the time to some extent. When I am not overwhelmed I sound pretty “normal” with good tone, though I still have frequent pauses because I don’t think in words. I think in images, feelings, abstract concepts, vibes, etc. Before I speak or write/type I have to translate my thoughts to actual words. This happens faster or slower depending how I’m feeling. I often forget words, several times a day. I remember the feeling of the word, and that it exists for the context of what I’m saying. (Though there have been times where I think a word exists when it actually doesn’t)

When I get overwhelmed I can lose all tone and rhythm to my speech. I pause after every couple of words for several seconds. Sometimes I give up and go to using gestures or typing. I’ve been considering using symbol based AAC during these times, I just would need to get that set up and find a decent app for it. Plus get over my internalized ableism and embarrassment associated with it.

I used to be a lot more functional than this. Most people wouldn’t think that I was autistic in middle and high school. Even from ages 18 to 21 ish. But I started regressing for various reasons. Especially in the past year or so. Thankfully I think the regression has stabilized at this point.

I was finally diagnosed with autism sometime last year by my neuro-psychiatrist. I’m wanting to get a full psychological assessment to fully determine my level of support needs and what sort of support I would benefit from. But finding providers who assess adults and take Medicaid is nearly impossible.

Looking at this guide, which shouldn’t be viewed as an actual diagnostic tool, it can be helpful in understanding yourself and give thought to what to bring up with your doctors. Discussions with my loved ones and therapist/doctors has led to thoughts on what my level could be. Me and my boyfriends half jokingly say I’m level 1.5

It’s hard to say without getting fully assessed. I know that I require support, and it seems like I require more support than a lot of level 1 autistics I personally know. There’s a lot to take into consideration, since the shutdowns are exasperated by my dissociative disorder. And my level of independence is impacted by my seizure disorder(s). Plus a bunch of other things that complicate how my symptoms present.

I want to briefly clarify that I am fully supportive of people self diagnosing. I self diagnosed in middle school with ADHD and autism, mostly cause no one would listen to me and the adults in my life had no interest in assisting me. Turns out I was correct. And I believe most people who self diagnose are correct about their situation as well. Not everyone is privileged enough to get diagnosed, and some people don’t want a diagnosis for various reasons. Sometimes just understanding why you feel and experience life in the way you do is enough. For me, I needed to get diagnosed because I require supportive services that would otherwise be unavailable to me without diagnosis.

Alright, have a nice day everyone!

[beckitty]

My husbandwifes ophthalmologist did something similar after their previous one utterly failed them.

Buckle in folks, this is a bit of a long one, and tw for eye stuff and medical abuse.

Shit doc had diagnosed my husbandwife with diabetic retinopathy (correct) told them there was nothing to be done about it (incorrect) except slow it down with laser surgery (could have helped alongside the actually needed treatment, damaging without) and that they would eventually go blind (Thomas has never seen so much bullshit). He keeps this up for 5 years, while their sight deteriorates.

My husbandwife eventually has a major bleed in their eye, and goes blind in it as blood and the vitreous fluid mixed and completely blocked it. It happened over the space of about 2 minutes, and they describe it as "like a light-blocking blind being pulled down". More that a little freaked out, we went to the local A&E. There, the doctor knew exactly what it was, and knew one of his colleagues specialised in repairing and managing diabetic retinopathy and could fix it. So he referred them, instead of sending them back to shit doc.

So husbandwife is referred to the surgeon Mr. Saveyoursight, who sees the referral and immediately phones us asking if they can come in today. Screw waiting lists, this is an emergency. Of course we do, and Mr. Saveyoursight examines husbandwife carefully, then sits us down for a conversation. First, he wants to know how long they have been having these vision issues (about 5 years by this point) and why they hadn't been seeing an ophthalmologist. When we explain that they have, and what shit doc had said and done, he gets real quiet for a minute or so, with a face that had been getting increasingly furious.

He takes a deep breath, and calmly explains that there are fairly simple, routine surgeries and treatments for diabetic retinopathy, and that he can definitely help my husband and shoud be able to save his sight, but because it had been left for so long it would now need more invasive measures and would take longer (6 months in the end) to restore his sight and limit further damage. He then apologises to both of us on behalf of his profession, says with our permission he will be contacting shit doc, and reporting to the relevant authorities, and should we wish to take shit doc to court he was happy to supply evidence and testimony.

He did. We didn't sue, though we certainly had grounds, but shit doc was fired, stuck off, and never harmed another patient again. All because Mr. Saveyoursight was pissed at the harm he had caused and ready to not just call him on it, but take measures to stop him from doing it again.

My husbandwife would be blind, or possibly dead by now if it wasn't for Mr. Saveyoursight, and gods alone knows how many other people with routinely treatable eye conditions could have lost their sight without him.

Doctors should snark at each other more, be a bit mean. Not for no reason, mind you. But if five doctors blow me off about symptoms and doctor number six FINALLY runs actual tests and gets a diagnosis, I think it should be Doctor Six's right to call up the other five and tell them they're lazy pieces of shit. That should be socially encouraged. Those first five doctors clearly can't listen to patients, but maybe another doctor might finally get to them.

[notjennyfromtheblocked]

Putting the whole truth out there in the hopes it could help someone.

As many of you know over the summer last year I did some pretty horrible stuff towards two trans people. The rundown foe those who don't know: I got a crush on a trans man, not knowing he was trans at first, but he eventually came out as a trans man. I had a friend who I met in college who was afab. I asked my male friend out and he told me I wasn't his type. I decided, based on nothing more than him saying I wasn't his type, that he said that because he was T4T. The three of us were friends for about five years.

My other friend came from a very abusive family. When she started college she sought therapy and was diagnosed with BPD. She told me that when she was in high school she once joined theatre because she had a crush on a guy in the class.

After my trans male friend turned me down, she came put as bigender and wanted to go by either she/her or he/him. I decided that because she had been diagnosed with BPD, and didn't come out until after he had turned me down and I decided that meant he was T4T that she was faking being trans to trick him into dating her. We are all on pur mid 20s.

I started a discord for fandom reasons and a bunch of 16 year olds joined. I convinced them that she was manipulating him and basically raping him against his will and faking being trans because shebwas bigender and not presenting androgynously enough for my liking but the truth was I was jealous and finding Amy excuse to blame her. I talked so much ahit on her on this discord and kept showing tiktok videos about how people with BPD are evil. I convinced these 16 year olds to brake into her (I'm using her pronouns since she's OK with both and I don't want this to get confusing by saying he/him too much and I genuinely cannot remember the fake names I gave them in the AITA) anyway I convinced them to break into her apartment with me and have an intervention. We basically pinned her against her counter and insulted her, called her all sorts of names and pushed her a bit. Like physically pushed her. So she started freaking out and screaming and the noise we made got her in trouble with her landlord. Anyway I immediately tried to seduce her boyfriend and tell him not to ever contact her again because she'll lie about me but he didn't believe me. Anyway I ended up with two restraining orders. I made an aita and I purposely worded things and left details put to make it look a certain way but nobody fell for it and then she made a rebuttal which kinda made me spiral a bit ans double down.

Eventually the response kinda woke me up and I realized I had fucked up. In fact i sterted thinking about a lot of my behavior for years. I thought about how i planned my hallway routine between classes to basically follow my favorite male teacher. I had him as a teacher and then one day the office pulled me into the office and topd me thet i needed to be in a different class and they needed to change my schedule ans it wasnt until recently i realized he mustve asked them to take me out because i qasnr subtle about following him. I srill continued to follow him though he wasnr my teacher. I even found out he would be shopping at a certain time and basically threw a fit until my mom went shopping at the same time but didn't tell her why I asked and I followed him at the grocery store too. And then he moved to a different school and I told everyone that he and I had had an affair. Mind you I was in my mid teens so I definitely wasn't too young to understand what I was doing was inappropriate. He actually had to leave thebjob hed just got hired on because the staff found out about my rumor. Of course i immediately admitted once the cops got involved that i just lied so he was able to get another job. But still.

On top of that my behavior in collegevwas also inappropriate. Despite calling my bigender friend a slut because she made out with people at parties BEFORE we ever met our trans male friend, I was constantly going up to the attractive guys at the party and trying to bump and grind dance with them. I was asked to leave multiple parties and after I once made put wirh a passed out guy on the couch when I was sober (he was literally passed out and not responding) I was physically thrown out and everyone was aware that if I tried to show up to any more parties I was immediately kicked out. My behavior wirh my trans male friend was also bad. I was constantly grabbing his thigh, sticking my hands in his hoody pocket, calling him sexy, baby, honey etc, even after he told me to stop several times.

So I sought therapy but I didn't exactly have a lot of money so I saw a free counselor within my parents' church. The counselor doesn't have a license but was given the position within our church to be our church counselor. Anyway so I stert telling her about my trans friends and my restraining order but instead of calling me put on my behavior she was disgusted at how they reacted and disgusted at the response I got here on tumblr. The more I talked to her the more I felt correct. She even supported my behavior, telling me that they were dealing woth the consequences of their action. She misgendered my trans male friend frequently saying that God had been trying to use me as a conduit to teach them to follow the commandments and the Bible. And it sounds absolutely ridiculous but it was addi ting at the time to basically be told I was a hero and everyone else was a villain.

So I started talking on the discord again and I kept getting angrier ans angrier the more I ranted and my counselor agreed and sorta egged me on by saying that bad people deserve to be be punished and that they were bad people because theybwere sinners due to living together before marriage as well as being trans and leading me on etc. So on discord I would say mean and violent stuff whole talkong with one of the 16 year olds that hadn't blocked me after it all went down and because of my restraining order I convinced this teenager to attack my bigender friend because I knew of she got hurt or died then my trans male friend would be hurt emotionally and may be receptive ro me trying to comfort him and I could use the situation to make him fall in love with me. Well she was hit in the face multiple times with a can. She was injured really bad. And the 16 year old ratted me out because shebwas like "well the bitch deserved it, she's a freak of nature and a psychopath"

I had told so many lies. I was living in a fantasy world in my head. I was constantly making plans and fantasizing and daydreaming about my life as if it were a movie. I convinced myself that my bigender friend was a bad girl boyfriend for the guy I had a crush in and so therefore everything she did I twisted to make her a villain so I could swoop in and play hero and use "story stucture" to earn his love like I lived in a movie.

Ive been charged with several crimes and all my chats and discord messages have been provided as evidence, as well as photographs of me violating my restraining order (I had it in my head that if I made sure to stay outside the official 'parameters' of hoe close I could stand that it didn't count. So I would literally count how many feet away from their house, walk an extra ten feet away, and just stare at their house and watch them for hours, same at grocery stores. Even though I totally thought that I was legally in the clear because I was technically not within the certain feet.) andnacreenshots of posts I've made online that were clearly targeted towards them. My parents bailed me out over Christmas but I still had court dates.

Well initially this angered me so I tried contacting the 16 year old again and just fully violated my restraining order by leaving threatening messages on her phone and sending him messages begging him to realize shebwas abusive and that because he and I were both introverts we belonged together and that all extroverts were psychopaths and that for his safety he should put her down like a dog. He blocked my yet another throwaway account and obviously informed the right people so I was arrested again and by thst time there were mountains of evidence.

However as people looked over all my social media and screenshots and behavior they decided that I have something wrong with me in terms of mental health so they're currently trying to Gove me a different type of sentence where I go to a mental health hospital facility instead of prison. It's still a type of prison but for people who have mental health issues.

They required me to speak to a licensed psychiatrist and I'm currently on house arrest and there will be an official for real sentencing court later on. I'm being charged with stalking, several types of assault charges, charges similar to like hiring a hitman, exploitation, etc. There are a lot. I've been talking to my psychiatrist and there are several theories as to what I might have and what comorbidities that come with it. We are trying various medications until we find the right combination that fit me and the aide effects aren't debilitating.

I just wanted to give you a little update on my life and to explain tlnot only that I was wrong, but full disclosure on the extent of how badly I messed up and several instances of me messing up. I have been thinking about maybe trying to explain further so other people can spot warning signs that they need to re evaluate their lives but I truly don't think that I have the credentials to do that.

But to those who encouraged me: you are bad people. You are not my friends. You need help. Please get help before it's too late and you hurt people the way I hurt people. I loterally, literally ruined multiple lives, lives of people I really loved, ans will absolutely be spending a lot of time in a mental health facility for criminals. I will never, ever be able to mend my friendship with either of my former friends and several teenagers have criminal records now because I convinced them to do bad things on my behalf. I intentionally manipulated them knowing I could convince them because if their age. It doesn't matter how sorry I am. Someone has a permanently disfigured face because of me. None of these people will ever forgive me because I genuinely don't deserve forgiveness and it doesn't matter how mentally unhealthy and what disorders i have because many people have mlsimilar disorders and don't do ehat I did. Like. Thisbshit not only ruined my life but more importantly the lives of many many other people and anybody who encouraged me or turned me into the hero is as I was/am and YOU NEED TO GET HELP before you end up like me and hurt people and yourself.

[bagelwithcreamcheeseandham]

Applying for student disability accommodations (an update of this post):

This is a long post. TLDR at the bottom.

As previously mentioned, I have the occasional hip subluxation that prevents me from putting weight on my leg, and terribly heavy and painful periods (dysmenorrhea) that can keep me totally nonfunctional for 1-2 days.

After being home (and pretty sedentary) for 1.5 years, I realised that going back on campus, walking around a lot more, being more active in general, could pose some issues.

I applied for accommodations, but i was nervous about.. idk? Not being able to prove I was in enough pain frequently enough to justify accommodations? And the office denying me any help. And then feeling stupid and whiny because i guess theyre right, my pain must not be that bad, they probably see students who have it so much worse. Accommodations for period cramps?? What was I thinking? Of course they'd laugh me out the zoom meeting.

Well, accommodations approved babeyy!!!

For my hip issue and dysmenorrhea, I got approved for:

AVS (Accessible Van Service)- An accessible van for those with approved access to request a ride to and from anywhere within campus (my school's campus is large).

Flexibility in class attendance- No academic penalty for disability related absence. Must contact professor before absence if possible, or no later than 48 hours after the absense. This doesn't excuse student from work done during class.

Late arrival/early departure- No attendance penalty for late arrival or early departure from class.

The accommodation process will differ between schools, but I want to give a run down of my meeting/experience with student disability office, in case its helpful to anybody.

When I was a incoming freshman, I applied for accommodations for ADHD. This required a doctor's note, high school records of my 504 plan, CollegeBoard records for extended test time, and filling out a long form that asked about how my ADHD affects me, how the 504 plan helped me, and a bunch of other questions, basically amounting to a short essay's worth. I was approved for extended assignment due dates, and extended test time.

I assumed the process for getting any other accommodations would be just as rigourous, but it really wasn't. Maybe because this doesn't deal as much with exams and assignment submission, which universities tend to take very seriously.

I didn't have to fill out a long form this time, but to prepare for the meeting, I just brain dumped a bit in my notes app about my issues/diagnoses, how/when/how often they affect me, what they prevent me from doing, and what accommodations I'm looking for. I tend to freeze up and forget stuff when talking to people, so this was essential for me.

Reading about some peoples' bad experience with school disability offices, and out of fear of my needs not being met, I used very specific language when describing my issues. Not exaggerating, or using overly descriptive language, but definitely not downplaying or sugarcoating anything. I used the terms my doctor used, like "hypermobility", "dysmenorrhea", and explained how it leaves me "unable to walk" or "in severe pain". I talked about diagnoses, about what my rheumatologist said, about my autoimmune condition. I don't know if any of that was necessary at all.

The meeting was pretty casual, only about 15 minutes, and the person I met with was lovely. First she asked me to explain a bit about my issues. Then she asked me how often it occurs. I explained my situation, how I've been dealing with both issues for years but they've worsened over the past year, and that I was worried about not being able to make it to class. That was pretty much all she asked before suggesting the three accommodations she gave me. She asked me if I think those would help, and I really think they will.

All I need to submit in terms of a doctors note is any recording of a diagnosis/doctor visit for these issues, like an after visit summary (actually she only mentioned it for the hip issue, I don't know if I need a seperate one for the dysmenorrhea). This can even be from a patient portal.

After the meeting, I was surprised to see that these accommodations were already approved! Before I submitted the doctor visit info? I'm not complaining.

I feel so relieved that the process was so simple for me, and thankful that my school runs a competent and helpful disability office. If you read this I hope this info can be of some use to you!

---

TLDR: I had a meeting with my school's disability office today about getting accommodations for issues I'm afraid may affect my ability to get to class. I was afraid of being denied help for my issues not being "serious" enough. The meeting was quick, helpful, and my accommodations were approved.

Make sure you can explain your disabilities, how they affect you, and have an idea of what you think may help. Expect to be asked to send in some form of "proof" (doctor's note, after visit summary, etc.) at some point for your accommodations to be approved. Don't be afraid to ask for help!

[the-gayest-show]

I personally was diagnosed at a young age but I've always been seen as High Functioning. Bu definition I sure am.

Despite this, I'm always winging it. I mean, I never truly knew social rules (despite people trying to teach me them) and all my life I've been in these Social Skills Classes teaching me to Socialize Properly. And despite that, I struggle with certain rules (eg. How long does one make eye contact for? 3 seconds, 5 mins each and then break, the whole conversation???) and people have commented on my lack of voice tone, calling me a robot (it's usually just a joke by ppl I'm close to, but it kinda seems painful bc I always thought I was talking normally).

I'm able to pick up on sarcasm (80-90% of the time) and I can laugh to jokes, so it's not like I'm serious 1000% of the time and you must Never Joke With Me, because that doesn't make life interesting, does it?

But there's always something, is there? Like, most of the population know the social rules. Like they've been handed this imaginary brain file and come auto-installed with it. In an allegory, it's like a windows PC coming with Microsoft Edge installed. But for me, I have the windows PC, able to install normal files as per usual, but I didn't come with the Edge that everyone else has. I have to somehow get the little files in to form the whole, and even then you have a broken Edge application.

What I'm saying is, I'm adapting to the rules, dealing with society and trying to play a never ending card game that doesn't tell you all the rules, with a dealer who smiles all the time, but if you get a rule wrong you're seen as silly. That's my biggest deal, despite looking like Average Person and being very high functioning.

I don't think I'm very good at making my voice tones either, or sitting the way people want me to, or not fidgeting (how do people NOT do that?), or liking loud sounds (eardrums don't exist for the neurotypical population apparently??) but I just wanna be treated like any other person you find around me, with the occasional accommodation if I ask for it, which is usually as simple as "quiet space" or extra time on tests.

fuck it. shout out to "high functioning" neurodivergents

the ones who can mask easily, the ones who can get social cues, the ones who have managed to go most of their life not even knowing they were ND because they didn't present as the stereotypical ND person.

the ones who can pay attention in class, understand social etiquette, who understand societial expectations

the ones who don't feel neurodivergent enough bc they don't struggle in the same ways/areas a lot of NDs do, or they can't relate to other NDs' experiences because they always understood these things easily

the ones with high empathy, the ones who DO get the joke, the ones who are constantly told that they can't possibly be neurodivergent because they don't act like what you'd expect a neurodivergent person to act like.

you are neurodivergent enough. you are valid, and so are your experiences. not struggling as much as others do in some places doesn't mean you dont struggle at all. your condition and diagnosis is valid. your symptoms are valid. YOU ARE VALID. not checking all the supposed boxes doesn't mean you aren't neurodivergent. you are enough. you are valid. you are loved. you are valued. you matter. you belong in neurodivergent spaces, you deserve to use whatever resources are available to you, you are allowed to take up space in these communities. and i am so, so proud of you.

feel free to, and actually, i encourage you to reblog this with your experiences. we belong in this community as much as anyone else. please also tag this w/ any neurodivergent conditions i may have forgotten 💙

since this is getting lots of notes I'd like to add, even if you're undiagnosed or maybe self diagnosed, for whatever reason, (i.e. can't get access to a diagnosis, not being taken seriously, or just not wanting an official diagnosis, etc.) this still applies to you. actually especially to you folks. don't think for a second you're not valid just bc you don't have the paperwork or whatever to say it

[0x15defec7]

tw: alcohol abuse, substance abuse, suicide, mental illness

I've decided to start blogging as a form of self-care.

It's been 45 days starting today since #event_seattle took place. I'm still not sure what exactly that event was. I don't know what the trigger was; I just know that #identity_beta seemed to have come back after being gone for so long. #identity_beta had come to the conclusion: "I am an alcoholic, and I need to come clean about the things I've done." I'm glad they did it.

I think a couple of us have been in denial of our condition a lot longer than we'd care to admit. Then there is one of us who seems to have figured it out a while ago, but intentionally tried to prevent the rest of us from figuring it out so he could maintain his independency. I thank #identity_beta for speaking for all of us. Even though he was wrong about the underlying problem; it was the first step in figuring out what was going on.

After #event_seattle, I lost contact with the people I trust - my support network. My family is all who was left, and unfortunately, each member of my immediate family is triggering in their own way. They made mistakes in the days after the event, but they did help. In a conversation with a family member, I had one of the most important realizations: I was not there, I wasn't receiving anything, I was dissociating.

I think we knew the definition of dissociation, but not precisely the different ways it could present itself, or really what it could feel like. We would later realize it's been so hard to determine that we were severely dissociating because it's something we have been doing constantly from such an early age. The reason we were able to determine it now is because 3 months before #event_seattle, we finally had been able to live independently and feel "safe" to know the difference.

A week after #event_seattle: I started writing "facts" about my life in an effort to understand how I got here, and also understand why I did the things that I did. For future reference this will be referred to as #document_betareflection. These were less factual and more #identity_beta's interpretation of events and feelings towards what each one of us have experienced. It was also at this time that the idea of having PTSD started floating around, but we couldn't pinpoint exactly where it was coming from because #identity_beta had been holding all these memories.

15 days after #event_seattle, 15 days since I stopped abusing alcohol and THC: I had just finished hanging out with a family member when I realized my dissociative symptoms were getting "worse" (more noticable by me) day by day. I broke down on the ride home because I genuinely couldn't figure out what was happening - I believed I was experiencing psychotic symptoms. That weekend was the time I began looking for answers outside of alcoholism.

My search for answers took me to schizophrenia first. I was led there because my mom would [recklessly] imply over the years that I had schizophrenic symptoms and that I was always at risk because of my THC usage. There were the "delusions" I thought I was having, which was actually me mistaking the different perceptions each one of us had towards the situation (also fueled by the paranoia we were all having). There was my "eccentricity," which genuinely is just who we are. The final nail in the coffin was mistaking my depression for the negative symptoms of schizophrenia.

I self-diagnosed myself with schizophrenia because of all these "findings" I made that weekend. it put me in a bad headspace, thinking of the relapse of symptoms, symptoms potentially getting worse, and having to deal with finding the medication that would be right for me. i wanted to get "healthy" NOW. I wanted to start treatment as soon as possible.

My therapy session was that monday. I had brought up my conclusion with my therapist so I could get their thoughts and start exploring options. They began by trying to understand why I came to this conclusion and began to offer counterpoints. Unfortunately, I was not there to actually digest the counterpoints, and ultimately, all I was looking to get out of the session was psychiatrist recommendations. My therapist conceded, gave me a word of warning about dealing with psychiatrists, and also made sure I knew that I didn't have to take any medications prescribed or take the psychiatrists opinion as the source of truth.

Later that week, I began to feel more grounded. The schizophrenia self-diagnosis seemed less and less likely, maybe because I started to realize I was not really having a loss of reality, nor did I have any hallucinations, nor was the paranoia persistently there. I started to do more research, this time focusing more on dissociation. One thing that stood out to me during one of my AA meetings was that I was treating my "ego" as a person, or closer to the answer, I was treating "ego" as someone else.

It was that saturday I was allowed to document things that happened in life for all of us. It was a difficult exercise, but what helped was that I was using Obsidian and the Timelines plugin. I created "milestone events" (such as the beginning of school years, major news events, moving to a new house, beginning of new jobs, beginning of new college years), and used these milestone events as points of reference to document memories or things I knew that happened to me.

The memories I documented could be ones that were of no consequence, while others were truly difficult to bring myself back to, while others were completely inaccessible to us for safety reasons. Some memories that seemed innocuous I've found to be precursors to more unsafe memories. Memory by memory provided clue after clue. Eventually, I got to the memories of my junior year of high school, where I realized there was a very obvious schism of who I was and what I did.

This schism was between #identity_alpha and #identity_omicron. #identity_omicron was originally an online pseudonym #identity_alpha used to find online community and escape the environment at home, beginning in the 6th grade. I believe that after a certain event occurred in the 7th and 8th grade, #identity_omicron became more of their own person and grew alongside #identity_alpha. They were a lot closer in high school, albeit living in separate communities.

It got to late junior year and senior year of high school when #identity_alpha was comfortable spending more time being present. Eventually #identity_omicron stopped growing because of this, and during a certain event that occurred freshman year of college: was forced away by #identity_alpha due to shame. #identity_omicron never went away - he only started to act independently of us and did what he wanted anytime he got the chance.

I could not document any more memories past junior year. We had found the strongest clue so far. Through our research we had come to learn about jungian concepts as they relate to sense of self, identity, childhood trauma, childhood abuse, childhood neglect, substance abuse, compulsive behaviors, and finally: dissociation. Although there is valid criticism of Jung, ultimately what I've gotten out of those concepts was understanding how these topics could relate to a fragmented sense of self and identity.

I had come across dissociative disorders while researching, specifically Dissociative Identity Disorder. I think by the beginning of that Sunday I was still disqualifying myself from it because I was not piecing these clues together, and because of its previous designation being multiple personality disorder: may have put me further into denial. That Sunday night I started to piece clues together until it seemed like the only answer I could point to was DID.

That following Monday: I had brought up my findings with my therapist. I had brought up that I moved away from believing it was schizophrenia, and having done these exercises the past weekend: have a lot more clues pointing to DID. What caught me off-guard was that apparently my therapist brought up DID as an alternate possible diagnosis instead of schizophrenia during our last session. I have no recollection of them saying that. I blocked it out, and I've come to realize I may have been blocking it out due to my denial, to protect the others in my system, or that the others were protecting themselves. We spent the rest of the session talking about #identity_omicron and #identity_lambda.

That monday was the 24th day since #event_seattle.

That wednesday was the psychiatrist appointment I had scheduled when I was still thinking I may have a schizophrenia diagnosis. This was my first ever interaction with psychiatry; it was horrible. The psychiatrist had their phone ring twice during our session, answering it once to have a minute conversation. There were multiple times they would cut me off to validate their own assumptions. It seemed like they were ignoring a lot of what I was saying and only focusing on recent events.

At the end of the session: they told me I either had bipolar disorder with mania and psychotic episodes, schizoaffective disorder, or schizophrenia. There were no tests, and they moved to immediately prescribe me medications. They called my my childhood memories of trauma and abuse delusions. [#identity_alpha] don't get me wrong; it could be possible for these diagnosis' to be true, but it seems absolutely fucking reckless to throw them out like this and immediately pressure your patient to start medications.

i really felt hopeless afterwards. i had to experience a bad psychiatrist appointment at some point in my life, but i just didn't expect it to be so horrible. i spiraled that day. i felt #identity_beta's tears - their desire to be comforted. i wrote a _ note that day. i've told myself before i can't die knowing i can still be better and do good, but at this point, it felt like it didn't matter.

i felt had no one to discuss these feelings with. the people i trust are protecting themselves. the person i've trusted some of my childhood memories to is protecting themself. i felt my family couldn't or wouldn't understand. if my AA sponsor hadn't reached out, my path to understanding what is going on may have ended much earlier.

my sponsor brought me back to ground. i can't remember exactly what he said, but i just know #identity_beta felt comforted. i was back. even though this was a horrible experience, i found that i gained an additional clue.

what i felt now was anger. however, what i had previously considered my "anger" identity (#identity_lambda) wasn't really anger. i was angry, but those were my feelings were my own. the difference is that #identity_lambda is who i rely on to be my voice and my actions when i feel that i have been wronged, betrayed, or when i am not being heard. #identity_lambda's idea was to report this psychiatrist and go for his career, but i decided that the outcome was not worth the effort of reliving the experience. it was helpful to find this clue of differentiation.

[#identity_pi] The following monday session, our therapist validated our feelings towards the psychiatry session. It was helpful to talk through what we've learned as well. We then walked through the dissociative experiences assessment. Going through the questions, I gradually realized that I have become so used to a lot of these experiences in my life that I've never acknowledged them as a problem.

The next session: my therapist disclosed that the results of my assessment does place me in range for DID. I have been documenting and mapping what I can understand so far about us. I've also been trying to get us to a point where we can better communicate, to which there is improvement for some of us, but others like #identity_omicron and #identity_beta I have been shunning for a long time. I apologize for what I have done to them, and I can only hope they will forgive me so we can all start working together to repair us.

it is now 46 days since #event_seattle. i have learned and pieced together a lot in desperation and motivation to understand what the hell is going on. it's getting easier. what matters is that i may not have the answers today or tomorrow, but i am at least not giving up. i know who i have been, and now i am getting to know who has been with me. i owe to us to make sure we become cohesive so we can continue to do good - this time together.

with the help of #identity_pi we created this post to document the journey so far, and maybe someone benefits from this. i plan to share some of the tools and resources that have been helpful to us, and maybe that will help someone too.

- #identity_alpha and #identity_pi (on behalf of #identity_alpha)