0x15defec7

[0x15defec7]

tw: alcohol abuse, substance abuse, suicide, mental illness

I've decided to start blogging as a form of self-care.

It's been 45 days starting today since #event_seattle took place. I'm still not sure what exactly that event was. I don't know what the trigger was; I just know that #identity_beta seemed to have come back after being gone for so long. #identity_beta had come to the conclusion: "I am an alcoholic, and I need to come clean about the things I've done." I'm glad they did it.

I think a couple of us have been in denial of our condition a lot longer than we'd care to admit. Then there is one of us who seems to have figured it out a while ago, but intentionally tried to prevent the rest of us from figuring it out so he could maintain his independency. I thank #identity_beta for speaking for all of us. Even though he was wrong about the underlying problem; it was the first step in figuring out what was going on.

After #event_seattle, I lost contact with the people I trust - my support network. My family is all who was left, and unfortunately, each member of my immediate family is triggering in their own way. They made mistakes in the days after the event, but they did help. In a conversation with a family member, I had one of the most important realizations: I was not there, I wasn't receiving anything, I was dissociating.

I think we knew the definition of dissociation, but not precisely the different ways it could present itself, or really what it could feel like. We would later realize it's been so hard to determine that we were severely dissociating because it's something we have been doing constantly from such an early age. The reason we were able to determine it now is because 3 months before #event_seattle, we finally had been able to live independently and feel "safe" to know the difference.

A week after #event_seattle: I started writing "facts" about my life in an effort to understand how I got here, and also understand why I did the things that I did. For future reference this will be referred to as #document_betareflection. These were less factual and more #identity_beta's interpretation of events and feelings towards what each one of us have experienced. It was also at this time that the idea of having PTSD started floating around, but we couldn't pinpoint exactly where it was coming from because #identity_beta had been holding all these memories.

15 days after #event_seattle, 15 days since I stopped abusing alcohol and THC: I had just finished hanging out with a family member when I realized my dissociative symptoms were getting "worse" (more noticable by me) day by day. I broke down on the ride home because I genuinely couldn't figure out what was happening - I believed I was experiencing psychotic symptoms. That weekend was the time I began looking for answers outside of alcoholism.

My search for answers took me to schizophrenia first. I was led there because my mom would [recklessly] imply over the years that I had schizophrenic symptoms and that I was always at risk because of my THC usage. There were the "delusions" I thought I was having, which was actually me mistaking the different perceptions each one of us had towards the situation (also fueled by the paranoia we were all having). There was my "eccentricity," which genuinely is just who we are. The final nail in the coffin was mistaking my depression for the negative symptoms of schizophrenia.

I self-diagnosed myself with schizophrenia because of all these "findings" I made that weekend. it put me in a bad headspace, thinking of the relapse of symptoms, symptoms potentially getting worse, and having to deal with finding the medication that would be right for me. i wanted to get "healthy" NOW. I wanted to start treatment as soon as possible.

My therapy session was that monday. I had brought up my conclusion with my therapist so I could get their thoughts and start exploring options. They began by trying to understand why I came to this conclusion and began to offer counterpoints. Unfortunately, I was not there to actually digest the counterpoints, and ultimately, all I was looking to get out of the session was psychiatrist recommendations. My therapist conceded, gave me a word of warning about dealing with psychiatrists, and also made sure I knew that I didn't have to take any medications prescribed or take the psychiatrists opinion as the source of truth.

Later that week, I began to feel more grounded. The schizophrenia self-diagnosis seemed less and less likely, maybe because I started to realize I was not really having a loss of reality, nor did I have any hallucinations, nor was the paranoia persistently there. I started to do more research, this time focusing more on dissociation. One thing that stood out to me during one of my AA meetings was that I was treating my "ego" as a person, or closer to the answer, I was treating "ego" as someone else.

It was that saturday I was allowed to document things that happened in life for all of us. It was a difficult exercise, but what helped was that I was using Obsidian and the Timelines plugin. I created "milestone events" (such as the beginning of school years, major news events, moving to a new house, beginning of new jobs, beginning of new college years), and used these milestone events as points of reference to document memories or things I knew that happened to me.

The memories I documented could be ones that were of no consequence, while others were truly difficult to bring myself back to, while others were completely inaccessible to us for safety reasons. Some memories that seemed innocuous I've found to be precursors to more unsafe memories. Memory by memory provided clue after clue. Eventually, I got to the memories of my junior year of high school, where I realized there was a very obvious schism of who I was and what I did.

This schism was between #identity_alpha and #identity_omicron. #identity_omicron was originally an online pseudonym #identity_alpha used to find online community and escape the environment at home, beginning in the 6th grade. I believe that after a certain event occurred in the 7th and 8th grade, #identity_omicron became more of their own person and grew alongside #identity_alpha. They were a lot closer in high school, albeit living in separate communities.

It got to late junior year and senior year of high school when #identity_alpha was comfortable spending more time being present. Eventually #identity_omicron stopped growing because of this, and during a certain event that occurred freshman year of college: was forced away by #identity_alpha due to shame. #identity_omicron never went away - he only started to act independently of us and did what he wanted anytime he got the chance.

I could not document any more memories past junior year. We had found the strongest clue so far. Through our research we had come to learn about jungian concepts as they relate to sense of self, identity, childhood trauma, childhood abuse, childhood neglect, substance abuse, compulsive behaviors, and finally: dissociation. Although there is valid criticism of Jung, ultimately what I've gotten out of those concepts was understanding how these topics could relate to a fragmented sense of self and identity.

I had come across dissociative disorders while researching, specifically Dissociative Identity Disorder. I think by the beginning of that Sunday I was still disqualifying myself from it because I was not piecing these clues together, and because of its previous designation being multiple personality disorder: may have put me further into denial. That Sunday night I started to piece clues together until it seemed like the only answer I could point to was DID.

That following Monday: I had brought up my findings with my therapist. I had brought up that I moved away from believing it was schizophrenia, and having done these exercises the past weekend: have a lot more clues pointing to DID. What caught me off-guard was that apparently my therapist brought up DID as an alternate possible diagnosis instead of schizophrenia during our last session. I have no recollection of them saying that. I blocked it out, and I've come to realize I may have been blocking it out due to my denial, to protect the others in my system, or that the others were protecting themselves. We spent the rest of the session talking about #identity_omicron and #identity_lambda.

That monday was the 24th day since #event_seattle.

That wednesday was the psychiatrist appointment I had scheduled when I was still thinking I may have a schizophrenia diagnosis. This was my first ever interaction with psychiatry; it was horrible. The psychiatrist had their phone ring twice during our session, answering it once to have a minute conversation. There were multiple times they would cut me off to validate their own assumptions. It seemed like they were ignoring a lot of what I was saying and only focusing on recent events.

At the end of the session: they told me I either had bipolar disorder with mania and psychotic episodes, schizoaffective disorder, or schizophrenia. There were no tests, and they moved to immediately prescribe me medications. They called my my childhood memories of trauma and abuse delusions. [#identity_alpha] don't get me wrong; it could be possible for these diagnosis' to be true, but it seems absolutely fucking reckless to throw them out like this and immediately pressure your patient to start medications.

i really felt hopeless afterwards. i had to experience a bad psychiatrist appointment at some point in my life, but i just didn't expect it to be so horrible. i spiraled that day. i felt #identity_beta's tears - their desire to be comforted. i wrote a _ note that day. i've told myself before i can't die knowing i can still be better and do good, but at this point, it felt like it didn't matter.

i felt had no one to discuss these feelings with. the people i trust are protecting themselves. the person i've trusted some of my childhood memories to is protecting themself. i felt my family couldn't or wouldn't understand. if my AA sponsor hadn't reached out, my path to understanding what is going on may have ended much earlier.

my sponsor brought me back to ground. i can't remember exactly what he said, but i just know #identity_beta felt comforted. i was back. even though this was a horrible experience, i found that i gained an additional clue.

what i felt now was anger. however, what i had previously considered my "anger" identity (#identity_lambda) wasn't really anger. i was angry, but those were my feelings were my own. the difference is that #identity_lambda is who i rely on to be my voice and my actions when i feel that i have been wronged, betrayed, or when i am not being heard. #identity_lambda's idea was to report this psychiatrist and go for his career, but i decided that the outcome was not worth the effort of reliving the experience. it was helpful to find this clue of differentiation.

[#identity_pi] The following monday session, our therapist validated our feelings towards the psychiatry session. It was helpful to talk through what we've learned as well. We then walked through the dissociative experiences assessment. Going through the questions, I gradually realized that I have become so used to a lot of these experiences in my life that I've never acknowledged them as a problem.

The next session: my therapist disclosed that the results of my assessment does place me in range for DID. I have been documenting and mapping what I can understand so far about us. I've also been trying to get us to a point where we can better communicate, to which there is improvement for some of us, but others like #identity_omicron and #identity_beta I have been shunning for a long time. I apologize for what I have done to them, and I can only hope they will forgive me so we can all start working together to repair us.

it is now 46 days since #event_seattle. i have learned and pieced together a lot in desperation and motivation to understand what the hell is going on. it's getting easier. what matters is that i may not have the answers today or tomorrow, but i am at least not giving up. i know who i have been, and now i am getting to know who has been with me. i owe to us to make sure we become cohesive so we can continue to do good - this time together.

with the help of #identity_pi we created this post to document the journey so far, and maybe someone benefits from this. i plan to share some of the tools and resources that have been helpful to us, and maybe that will help someone too.

- #identity_alpha and #identity_pi (on behalf of #identity_alpha)