#damn they got him on tax evasion too???

[liverpool-enjoyer]

the commentator mentioned that vvd was resting but i heard arrested so i spent the next ten minutes scouring the internet for news articles abt virgil van dijk going to JAIL

[suiana]

(yandere! prison warden x gn! inmate reader) (FYI idk how the law works ok so DON'T come after my ass) (im the type of lawyer that gets ur sentence increased instead of decreased fr💀💀)

"can i kiss you?"

"dude, i literally threatened to kill you."

"so?"

he stares at you with a raised eyebrow, pouting slightly as he leans against the bars of your prison cell. you choose to ignore him, instead opting to play with the plastic fork from your lunch tray.

damn it, you should've known better than to be caught. now you're stuck in this lame ass prison with this warden you don't even like.

curse that stupid lawyer who got your sentenced increased from fifty years to life imprisonment. dude sucked at his job and still got paid 💀

for some context, you were in prison for tax evasion, fraud, and multiple cyber crimes you shall not name. you got caught by accident and now you were here. sentenced to life imprisonment in jail. in a private cell.

you know, it isn't even half that bad as compared to some other crimes others have committed! so you haven't a slightest clue as to why you were placed in a private cell with no one to keep you company!

i mean, you did try befriending your warden but he turned out to be delusional and turned out to be one of the people you scammed. love-scammed, to be specific. which is why he might've been delusional...

"baby why'd you have to leave me? i was so sad..."

see? this is what you mean! he seriously didn't get the hint that he was scammed! even when you told him straight to his face that you never did actually love him!

god damn it. now you have to hear his yapping 24/7. you're starting to think that he might've been the one to report you. i mean, isn't it a little too convenient? he's a prison warden, you've got a private cell-

"hey! are you seriously not paying attention to me?!"

he hits the prison bars lightly to attract your attention. thankfully, it did. or else he might've thrown another tantrum. and you did not have the mental capacity to handle it. come on! if he did it would've been his third tantrum of the week! and it's only monday!

you cock your head at him, rolling your eyes as you acknowledge his presence. your annoying prison warden instantly lights up at the small gesture. oh well, at least he's in love with you to the point where even you acknowledging him makes him happy...

"babe! you've gotta stop ignoring me! it makes me sad..."

"i don't actually care."

"baby!"

damn it, maybe you should've just bribed the judge to let you have a death sentence instead.

[fastlikealambo]

Honeycake.|| An Alpha!Joel Miller x Black!Fem Reader Omegaverse AU

Summary: Joel has a good life. He's got his pack, his own business, no time for love outside of meaningless hookups and that one time Sarah tricked him into speed dating. Love comes knocking in the form of you, an omega from a dangerous disbanded pack looking to heal.

Trigger Warnings: Past violence against reader, mentions of David, non-consenting mate bites,  mental health discussions, this omega needs a hug and like 12 blankets.

Note One: This takes place in modern day, no outbreak. Joel’s pack consists of Omega!Tommy, his wife Alpha!Maria and their two children, Beta! Marlene and her wife Omega! Anna and their daughter Ellie, and Joel’s daughter, Sarah (SARAH LIVES!). They all live on the same street and joel's house is their packhouse because I said so.

Note Two: This is my first dive into writing omegaverse! There are so many different interpretations and headcanons out there and I’m excited to join in. I apologize in advance if I get something wrong 🙂

This is a test chapter! If you’d like to see chapter two, please comment or reblog as engagement with my fics makes me write faster! I also just like talking to y’all too <3

Chapter One

 “As you can hear behind me, court proceedings have just concluded for the man simply known as David, the alpha of a Colorado based pack that made headlines for the last year over David’s numerous felonies ranging from embezzlement, wire fraud,and tax evasion. But today is his latest sentencing over his assault of his former omegas and multiple forced courtships charges-

“Sarah, Ellie! Breakfast!”

   “A single charge of claiming any omega without their consent carries a prison sentence of upwards of twenty years in prison and David has ten counts. The brave victims whose names and faces we may and should never know can finally live their lives in peace knowing that this man is behind bars.”

Joel replaced Sarah’s phone with a plate of bacon and eggs before sitting down himself.

  “You know the rules, no phones at the table.” Joel grumbled through his coffee,inhaling that shit to drown out the scents of the various couples in his pack. Eight in the morning was too far too early for perfume based love declarations.

   “It’s all anyone talks about at school, I hope they fry the motherfucker!” Ellie said through a mouthful of eggs.

  “Language!” Marlene, Anna, and Joel said in unison, a barely stifled laugh escaping Sarah who snuck her phone from off the kitchen counter.

 “You’re not wrong though, sweetie.” Anna said, patting Ellie on the head.

While his pack fell into a lively discussion/rant over the news, Joel’s mind was somewhere else, desperately trying to remember the name of the waitress he screwed behind the job site last night.

Lizzie?

Megan?

Did she even tell him?

Did it matter?

He had his rules.

No courtships without pack approval (mostly just Sarah’s approval because nothing got past Sarah Miller.)

No fucking around in town.

No bullshit.

Ruts were out of town experiences only, with waitresses and gas station attendants in need of relief not romance, people just like him trying to get off and get through the damn day. 

As long as he could get through the day, Joel Miller was good to go, mates not needed or wanted.

The only good thing to come out of his last courtship was grabbing her backpack and stealing the last bit of bacon off his plate.

Morning chaos got Joel out his head as the packhouse emptied, Ellie and Sarah heading toward his truck only for a U-Haul with tinted windows to block him in.

  “Shit!” Joel growled out, unable to stop himself from hitting the back of the moving van.

The truck reversed quickly and Joel threw his shit into his truck while the girls tried their damndest to peek into the darkened windows. Already sweaty, his hand grasped the door handle only to fall to his side when it hit him.

Honey.

The most perfect honey scent ran through the entirety of the alpha and it took everything within Joel not to fall to his knees right fucking there. When he had the strength to look up in search of the scent, all Joel saw was the corner of the sundress and a front door quickly closing.

His scent match just moved in.

Okay! This is all I got, if you want to see more please comment or reblog! This is my first time writing omegaverse so be nice :)

[blueberry-gills]

//GILL WATCH OUT GILL NO

Anyway. Enjoy more drawings and rambles under the cut 👍

The funny thing is that you can tell how my idea for Gill’s hair evolved throughout the drawings- the height comparison drawing was the first one, followed by the fullbody of him walking, then the tax evasion, and then the thought bubble. nifty

(Also I know the jacket here is a different color than the jacket in the drifloon picture.. forgive me I didn't have time to change it 😔)

I knew I WANTED Gill to get a new Pokémon for his birthday, but I didn’t know what. For a while I was like ‘ooh Dreepy!!” but then I had the mental image of Gill a few months down the line riding on a Drifblim and it stuck JADGFJLSAGDF

I always wanted Gill to have something to do with a Ghost Pokémon- there was one event Idea that I rotated constantly in my head where she went to Unova, got lost in Relic Castle, and ended up getting attacked by a Cofagrigus (I actually wrote a whole ass short fic for that one) but it lost all the polls I put it in </3 (Twas the dishwasher and the 🏜️⚰️🌚 options in my previous event polls)

ALSO FUN FACT: The Drifloon (name pending) has a Destiny mark! So she’s Drifloon the Chosen One! :)

Also uhh the intro post was edited again gang >:) the mountain did something to her (<- made her realize that it was literally okay to tell anyone other than Rye that she like She more than He)

DAMN I didn’t lie when I said I would ramble. That’s all. Sorry. arghhhh. goodbye 😎👍 hope I wasn't too annoying lmao

[thebluecoyote42]

Seconded on Colon and Nobby, mostly because like in the canon LoTR books, there is no way Sauron, Dark Lord of Middle Earth, would take these Wish.com Abbot and Costello seriously enough to think that they could possibly be a threat, and that is why it works. They'd bumble and bobble their way through the whole thing, likely with Nobby 'accidentally' collecting the Ring from the decoy bearer (Carrot)'s pocket, forgetting he has it, and ending up in the caldera of Mt. Doom while Colon was looking for a pint. Carrot radiates Hero like he smells of soap, Angua would be right there with him. 10/10 Dark Lord Threat. No chance. Rincewind was close... But, no. He would genuinely run away. Give him the One Ring and he would somehow end up returning the Silmarils to the elves of Aman instead. The Librarian? You think he has time for this? Who do you think helped Gandalf figure out that Bilbo's magic ring is the One Ring? No. Plus, admit it, you love the idea of him sitting there, next to Mithrandir, two dudes chilling five feet apart and smoking their pipes as they silently read. (The Librarian's pipe is, of course, actually a banana.) Moist would fit far better in the Hobbit. Who can talk a dragon into investing its ill-gotten treasure into some property investment shenanigans that results in Dale being rebuilt, the dwarves in control of their Mountain again, and Smaug being arrested (by Vimes) for tax evasion? You got it. The Witches? So close. So... Close... Granny has the iron will, Nanny could not reasonably be tempted by power, but... It just feels off? They have a part in this story, but damned if I can grasp the edges of it enough to fit it in. Magrat? Maybe. Tiffany Aching? That poor girl has been through enough. I just don't see the witches being the 'cross half a continent to destroy a supreme magical artifact' types... I could absolutely see Granny convincing the malicious spirit of the ring that it was actually a napkin holder or something, though. Vimes could and would- but I don't see him being the bearer. He'd be the group's Aragon analogue. The last thing some poor Ringwraith would see is the Vimes Elbow. Dorfl would be all about freeing the slaves of Mt. Doom, and would more likely organize the orcs into rebelling themselves. Do not ask Cheery Littlebottom to do this, please do not. She is Too Good, Too Pure. The Nac Mac Feegle would just steal the ring and you know it. You'd have a Dark Lord six inches tall standing on a mountain of nicked treasure.

Explanations welcome! No "other" option, sorry.

[inkmemes]

young  royals  (  2021  )  sentence  starters ↪  taken  from  netflix’s  swedish  ya  drama.  non-contextual  spoilers.  trigger  warning  for  mentions  of  sexual  activity,  drugs,  alcohol,  death,  implied  internalised  homophobia,  bullying.  alter  as  you  see  fit  ♡

“at least you can stay for a cup of coffee?”

“hey, wait up. did you sleep together?” 

“he's probably making out with someone. forget it.”

“i can't take it anymore.”

“what are you doing?”

“and he had to finish your sentence. what's going on? you like him.”

“every time you see your dad, you get all depressed.”

“you're still here, so obviously you must want something.”

“are you high? what the hell are you on?”

“does this make you horny?” 

“i like [town name], but i don't want to live here forever.”

“you can leave now. go home. i'm staying here for the weekend.”

“do you want chocolate?”

“how do you feel?” 

“it's kind of hard to tell them apart, you know.” 

“you're a worthless drunk.”

“you … you need to figure out what you want. and you can take all the time you need. and i respect that. but you have to do it by yourself. i don't want to be anyone's secret.”

“you have to stop pretending that you're not afraid.”

“that's the thing, i just don't want that.”

“it's something new. something fresh.”

“can we talk privately for a minute?” 

“and if anyone gives you a hard time, you know, just let me know, and i'll take care of it.” 

“you do know you don't need to hide?” 

“are you gonna let us in?”

“promise to let me know if there's anything i can do.”

“hey, we won't go blind from your moonshine, right?”

“i'm just getting a good vibe. that's all.”

“you're so fucking pathetic.”

“you realize that this will have consequences?”

“he's such a fucking idiot.”

“i wanted us to have a few minutes alone.”

“when you're young, love feels like the most important thing in the world.” 

“i really like you.”

“felt like i had to rescue you from that situation.”

“it got so damn hot in there, i thought i'd get some fresh air.”

“you are allowed your own opinions. it's cool.”

“i've seen the way you look at each other.”

“here, this one is a little big for me, but i think it'll look great on you.”

“do you think royal dick is different than regular?”

“you're the only one here i feel i can actually talk to.” 

“i haven't heard anything yet, but i'll tell you as soon as i do.”

“you can't just lie here jerking off.”

“i don't want to go to some fucking boarding school!”

“i've missed this place so much.”

“are you going to horror movie night on friday?”

“but i like you. and that is not fake.”

“you don't need to share everything.”

“we should go to a concert again sometime.”

“you're fucking crazy!”

“where have you been? i've been trying to reach you.”

“just don't use the school's wi-fi for porn surfing. could be embarrassing.”

“but no matter what, they can't dictate what you say.”

“sorry about last night.”

“i don't want to talk to you!”

“i don't wanna sound like an idiot.”

“i was thinking, would you like to have a sleepover at my place? because that's something friends do. it's going to be really cozy.”

“i think maybe we should forget about that.”

“you can't really see that it is you.”

“i mean, it could be anyone. it's so fucking stupid.”

“i don't want to say anything.” 

“now you're doing it again. you're trying to take care of me.” 

“i can take it, it's okay.”

“that's not true. i haven't spoken to my parents.”

“we haven't done anything wrong.”

“you're beautiful! you're so beautiful.”

“i'm gay, [name].”

“seriously? what the fuck is your problem?”

“you keep letting people piss on you!”

“i just assumed you didn't want special treatment.”

“keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

“so you thought you'd start spreading false rumours without having any proof?” 

“i just didn't want to lose you.”

“uh, there's pizza left if you want some.”

“everybody thinks you're perfect. you know that, right?”

“he's just been outed.”

“i'm going to fuck this up.”

“he bloody ruined my fucking life!”

“why are you sitting in your room sulking when you have a crush to hang out with?”

“hi. sorry, i was feeling a bit better. so i thought it was okay that i hung out with some friends.”

"everyone should be allowed to live as gay or straight or whatever they want.”

“i woke up in my own bed. that's always something.”

“could i just have one second? just one second alone, please?”

“i’m sorry. but it was, like, the only way.”

“i thought, everyone deserves a second chance.”

“i'm sorry about the mess. i wasn't expecting such distinguished company.”

“i just don't want you to be treated badly again.”

“oh, fuck.”

“you don't even… aren't you even gonna answer me?”

“i didn't know that one was supposed to sign up.”

“in real life, you don't pay to get ahead.”

“and what the fuck does your dad do?”

“let's try to have some table manners.”

“it's, like, really serious.”

“who the hell can live like this for three fucking years?”

“that's what happens when you buy the cheap ones.”

“i need your help with something. ”

“being a prince is not a punishment, but a privilege.”

“it's awesome to just chill out.”

“or maybe he lied about that too. what do i know?”

“you have to give people a chance.”

“you have to try to see it from my perspective.” 

“what the hell's this?”

“what happened to "we should forget about it"?”

“stop being so fucking stubborn and try to understand my situation.”

“sometimes it's better not to say everything.” 

“i was just bored.”

“have you ever had a boyfriend?”

“sometimes it's better to keep quiet.”

“can i get you some coffee?”

“nobody else cares about these things.”

“i lost track of time.”

“everybody does the same things and everybody knows everybody.”

“thanks for rescuing me yesterday.”

“remember when he came up to us the first week and was like, "what's up?"”

“i need you to delete all our texts.”

“i can't keep doing this anymore.”

“are you gonna let them go on with their bullshit?”

“i want to be with you.”

“here's a blanket, a pillow, and bed sheets. there you go.”

“okay, yeah. you don't seem to have grasped what i'm trying to say.”

“it's usually boring as hell.”

“he's been dealing to us for months.”

“i don't want to talk to him.”

“don't you wanna date [name] anymore?”

“i don't know why he's started texting me again. he knows i don't want anything to do with him.” 

“yeah, we had a shitload of drugs.”

“we could murder someone, and nobody would say a word.”

“she needs some fun.”

“he's just doing it to fuck with me.”

“it's such a weird question.”

“i just wanted to say hi. i don't believe we've met. ”

“but i still want us to be friends.”

“if i were to stay here… would you… like to keep me company? just you and me.”

“everything's, like, upside down now.”

“have you always lived here?”

“damn it. sorry. shit. i completely forgot.”

“i'm sure someone has a story to tell.”

“you've got to put yourself first. i mean, no matter what he thinks about it.”

“come on! you can't just sit there stuck in your room.”

“you can snuggle up in my safe arms if it gets scary.”

“i want to live a normal life.”

“let me have a look. you can hardly see it.”

“any other dick that's been sucked?”

“you just expect everything to be on your terms.”

“i want to know everything!”

“you don't have to go there. i'll take care of myself.”

“has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?” 

“i'll just stay in and go to bed early.”

“thanks for explaining the schedule.”

“i'd rather die.”

“i don't want you to be mad.”

“promise to tell me if something is wrong.”

“i can't be dressed like this if you're dressed like that.” 

“it's really complicated.”

“it feels like you don't care what people think about you, or if you have a lot of friends and stuff.” 

“nobody asked you to come. feel free to leave if you want.”

“well, nobody has ever, ever asked for this!” 

“there isn't so much to do around here.”

“you've become such a snob.”

“i know you're only trying to help me.” 

“do you like it here?”

“i don't wanna go in there. we're not even invited. fuck this.”

“don't you think it's weird [name] invited us to come?”

“if they hadn't been here, would you've, uh, made out with me?”

“so, you're an actual proper couple now?”

“you're thinking about someone else.”

“you're right. we're doing this together.”

“thanks… for nothing.”

“why are you even so obsessed with him?”

“i want you to hold me.”

“call me when you want to be picked up.”

“what the fuck do you care?” 

“i don't think we're a couple or anything. i don't know what it is.”

“you never asked me!”

“your focus should be on comforting me so that i can comfort him.” 

“it's not that hard. you have to be able to keep up appearances.”

“famous people make videos like that.”

“maybe somebody forgot to tell me, as usual.”

“just make a move on [name] and show him what you want.”

“you wanna stay a while and jam?”

“have you talked to your parents about it?”

“a diverse bunch of losers, who'll never amount to anything.”

“why can't i decide how the hell i want to live?”

“apparently, i'm the only one who doesn't know everybody.”

“i used to have straight a's on every test.”

“it will damage our reputation.”

“i'm fucking starving.”

“why is it called tax "evasion" but welfare "scam"? it's all right that rich people cheat, but when poor people do it, it's messed up. for rich people, it's not even called "welfare”, it's called "deduction."”

“what the fuck is rowing?”

“what the hell have you done, [name]?”

“good voice, man.”

“why can't i just have a relationship with him?”

“did you have fun last friday?”

“all the people are fake. they're made out of metal.”

what do you want me to say? i'm sorry!”

“is this some kind of prank?”

“i like you when you are yourself!”

“but you like him, don't you?”

“she shouldn't talk to you like that.”

“are you into him?”

“something's not right, i think we should head back to the road.”

“do you have trouble sleeping?”

“doesn't anyone care what i want?”

“just don't tell anyone that i've been here.”

“i was going to text you back, but…”

“your only mistake was that you hung out with the wrong kind of people.”

“i just wanted to help.”

“i know you'll use anything to get high or drunk.” 

“it's time to stop being so selfish.”

“i just want my fucking money.”

“you should've planned ahead. didn't you bring a sandwich?” 

“who the fuck wants to be normal anyway?”

“you fucking told me you were the one i could always come to!”

“i take it back.”

“i can see there's something going on.”

“i have to finish getting ready, so if you could please leave.”

“no one likes me when i'm myself.” 

“i hope you have a nice christmas.”

“i'm gonna do the wrong things, say the wrong things.”

“my mom is gonna kill me.”

“do you remember what you said to me last night?”

“i cannot be dragged into this.”

“i like you too.”

“you're no longer a part of my family.”

“it's well-suited for smaller people.”

“i assume that he thought that it would make him popular.”

“i didn't ask for this!”

“it's no problem. i like doing it.”

“it feels like i'm gonna throw up.”

“don't i get any breakfast?”

“whatever i do, i can't do anything right.”

“we haven't been to any party whatsoever.”

“did you get my texts?”

“i think it sounds romantic.”

“uh, wait, you have to come to the horror movie night on friday.”

“i liked what you said in there, [name].”

“okay, maybe he used to be a player, but love can actually change you.”

“it's nice to make an effort and dress up for dinner.” 

“i'm in a fucked-up situation and i'm trying to talk to you.” 

“you don't understand. i was gonna pay it.”

“you're not that kind of guy.”

“i was about to go outside and, um, do you wanna come with?”

“what about me?” 

“it was… okay, i guess.”

“can i sit with you?”

“you call this a scary movie?”

“i have a million things to take care of, i don't have time to talk to you.”

“have you lost it completely?”

“but i'm starving.”

“this past year has been difficult for me.”

“i don't get it. she's making it into such a big deal.”

“no, this won't work. just take it off, please.” 

“i'm not like that.”

“fuck you. it's not a crush.”

“then i know that i can't count on you.”

“can't you come see me in [town] sometime?”

“it's just that we can't be seen together.” 

“he was still sleeping when i walked in.”

“doesn't bother me at all. i've seen it. absolutely. 100%.”

“[name] is really getting on my nerves! seriously.”

“i want us to be friends again.”

“i thought you and [name] were friends.”

“make sure you check your dms. okay?”

“you think it's fun to fuck with people like me?”

“never spend money you don't have. okay?”

“you think i'm stupid?”

“this sucks.” 

“how nice to see some smiles.”

“this isn't just about me, but my entire family.”

“i'm going to marry her.”

“are you threatening me?”

“don't you realize the shit storm that follows if i come out?” 

“i don't want you to talking to her.”

“remember what we saw during movie night? when they sat next to each other?”

“i love you.”

“i just want to hang out with you.”

"there's no point in having a back-up if you never use it."

“pretend i'm saying something clever.”

“how's [name]? he must be totally devastated.”

“what do you think they think we're talking about?”

“everything is fake. everything in the world is fake.”

“[name] is dead.”

“it just wasn't what i thought it would be like.”

“since when did you start liking him for real?” 

“what a fucking douchebag. god!”

“what the hell are you saying? chill out!”

[myckicade]

Prompt: Ok so we all know Coco is touch starved, and would be clingy af in a relationship. What about Coco x wife!reader, while she’s trying to do basic errands/chores and Coco is her shadow?

A/N: I’ve been waiting for this one. I really have. Hee hee. I just adore Coco. <3 . This piece sort of follows the story of the last two Coco x Reader pieces I have written, but it will stand-alone, just fine. And, I swear, these things just have a mind of their own. I can continue to apologize for length, and content, but, in the end... I let the story tell itself. ;) . <3 .

As a warning, I come from Vermont, where we have a plastic bag ban. Last I knew, California was the first state to have one. I don’t know how that would translate to Santo Padre, but… When I mention fabric bags, I mean reusables, and the ban is why. ^^;;;;.

Title: Worthwhile

Teaser: He’s a little rough, your Coco, foul-mouthed, and quick to anger. Untrusting, and bitchier than a woman, on his best day. But, once you have his love, you have it. All of it.

“Okay…” you murmur, slowly, eyes scanning over the paper in front of you. Fifteen items, nothing crazy. Shouldn’t take you more than an hour, tops, and that includes travel to and from the store. “I think I’ve got everything we need… And, specials included your beer, and those little frozen cream puffs.”

Beside you, Coco groans, deep and guttural. “Fuck, I love those things.”

You giggle, but keep reading. Your man is too damn cute. “Feminine products.”

“Do those count as special?” Coco genuinely sounds thoughtful, as he steps up behind you, where you are leaning over the counter top. He wraps his arms around your waist, chin coming to rest on your shoulder. “Kinda’ a necessity, ain’t they?”

Tipping your head, you glance to your husband. Seriously. This man is a treasure. “Why don’t you run for political office?” you tease, pleased when Coco chuckles.

“Yeah, my record’ll look great, on the campaign trail.”

You shrug. “You can tackle pink tax, and tax evasion, at the same time.”

Coco grins, and steals a peck off your lips. “What else you got on there, muñeca?”

“Hmmm, let’s see…” You turn back to your list, tapping the pen against your lips, thoughtfully. Spying the next item on it, you try not to let out another giggle. He’s not going to like this one. “Letty asked if we could have that cauliflower pizza thing for dinner, tonight.”

As expected, this groan is decidedly not from food lust. “Fuckin’ vegetarians. When the hell is she gonna’ get over this shit?”

“It’s just a phase, Coco,” you remind him, for the… Well, honestly, you’ve lost track. It started shortly after the wedding, Letty’s change in diet, and you’re still not convinced the two aren’t related. You’re just not entirely sure how. But, two months in, and she’s still looking healthy, so you won’t send up any alarms. “It’s very popular at her high school, right now.”

Coco scoffs, disgusted. “When the hell’d she start copyin’ other people, anyway? My girl ain’t no follower.”

The words send a shot straight to your heart. He’s a little rough, your Coco, foul-mouthed, and quick to anger. Untrusting, and bitchier than a woman, on his best day. But, once you have his love, you have it. All of it. The love he has for Leticia is the greatest proof. They may carry on like cats and dogs, but when push comes to shove, there is nothing they won’t do for one another. My girl. It brings a warmth to your soul, and a smile to your lips.

You shake it off, enough to formulate a response. “She’s figuring out how to be her own woman. Trying new things.” You shrug, not wanting to make a big deal of it. You were Letty’s age, once, of course. And, a girl, to boot. Some things, Coco just won’t be able to understand. “It’s a process.” He hums, still disgruntled, but doesn’t push out another word. “You want anything else?” you ask, holding up your list. “I’ve gotta’ get going, before I run into the football widows.”

Before you can even take a step away, Coco tightens his arms around you. “You sure you gotta’ go, though?” he asks, leaning in to brush his lips against your neck. “With the house all to ourselves, like this?”

“If I don’t go,” you start, as Coco’s touches gain intent, becoming teasing kisses. Damn him. It feels nice, you won’t lie, but there are other things on your mind, right now. Priorities.

You’re just… having trouble remembering what they are.

Oh. Yeah. Shopping.

“If I don’t go, we won’t have anything for dinner.”

Another kiss, accompanied by a barely-there swipe of tongue. You shiver, and Coco moves his lips to your ear. “We can order in,” he whispers, breath so invitingly warm against your skin.

Oh, this asshole.

“And, what are we supposed to have for breakfast, tomorrow?” you try, again. “Half an Eggo, and a pack of Skittles?”

Coco cuddles you closer, again. “Ain’t you never heard about livin’ on love, baby?” Some of his smoothest work, that is. And, it’s almost convincing. Almost. You can imagine the afternoon ahead, if you give in. Your clothes will come off, and won’t be back on until the last second, before Letty walks back through the front door. By that time, you’ll be too tired to roll your ass off the bed, let alone go grocery shopping. And, you promised Letty you’d talk Coco into that cauliflower pizza.

“Great as that sounds,” you agree, preparing to capitalize on the truth. You ease yourself away from Coco’s stubborn hold, and give him one more smooch, just to soften the blow to come. “I don’t think Letty will appreciate the sentiment.”

A third groan. You must be going for a record. “C’mon, (y/n).” Oh, he’s whining. It’s so cute, it’s unreal. “We’ll find some place that delivers that rabbit food shit.”

Unfortunately for Coco, you’re already grabbing your bag. Lucky for you. You’re still two seconds from giving him what he wants. (He just doesn’t need to know so). “I’ll be back in a while.” God willing. “If you think of anything else, call my cell.” You rush out the front door, and don’t look back. If you see the look on your husband’s face, you know you’re as good as done.

*

Well, what the shit? Coco stares at the front door as it closes, you on the wrong fucking side of it. His arms are at his sides, palms turned toward the ceiling. That went so well. He kind of can’t believe you just walked away, like that. Left him alone, and wanting. In your big, empty house.

He probably should have volunteered to tag along, instead of just chasing you off.

Fuck.

Glancing around, Coco tries to find something to do. Something to clean, at the very least. But, that’s the trouble with having moved in with you, after the wedding, he supposes. Ain’t nothing to tidy up. Not that the three of you don’t have possessions. They’re all just in their proper places. Probably Leticia’s doing, in the end. He’d had a long talk with her, before the move, that she absolutely has to keep her shit where it belongs. Your house isn’t like their house. There aren’t burn marks in the carpet, or gouges in the coffee table. Dishes go in the damned dishwasher, not left to pile up on the counter, or in the sink. Beds get made. Laundry gets folded, and put away. No more wrinkled heaps in the clothes basket. So far, the kid’s been doing good. Real good.

Coco, though? He’s never felt so unnerved in his life.

It was different when he just visited. Spent a night or two, here or there. He’d almost felt at home, then, stupid as it sounds. At home, with the knowledge he wasn’t staying. But, now? Now, the reality has settled in, and he feels so-so… out of place. There’s so much he’s struggling to adjust to.

You have a purified water system installed under the sink, where Coco is used to buying bottled water.

You have a dining room, where Coco and Letty are used to eating on the couch.

You have an extended cable package, whatever the fuck that is.

You kind of have it all, here, certainly by comparison to what Coco is used to. The best of everything. Which really makes him wonder – not for the first time – what the hell you’re doing with a dirt-poor biker for a husband? You’ve had this conversation, on multiple occasions, and you’ve explained yourself, every time. But, this time… This time, you’re not around to give that speech. You’re not around to hold him, and kiss his face, and reassure him in a way that only you can. No, you’re at the grocery store, shopping for Coco, and his kid, which was apparently a better offer than staying home with him.

Oh, nope. Nope, he’s doing it, again. He can feel it. You love him, he reminds himself. You’ve got his ring on your finger, his last name, and – God-willing – his baby in your belly. By choice. All by choice.

Coco takes a deep breath, in. Lets it back out, slowly. Tries not to get sick, for all the nerves coming up to greet him. He wraps one arm around his own torso, free hand moving up to cover his mouth.

Fuck, he hopes you get back, soon.

*

You let out a deep sigh, as you park your car in the garage. Oh, it is so good to be home, at long-last. Talk about Old Home Week. You’d run into everyone, and his brother, at the grocery store. Shopping had taken nearly twice as long as you’d meant for it to, and you just know Coco must be losing his mind, by now. You hate to think about it, in such terms, but, sometimes… Well, sometimes, Coco reminds you of a new puppy. You can’t really leave him alone, without some kind of separation anxiety creeping up on him.

Ah, well. At least he isn’t ripping down the drapes, and shredding the couch cushions.

You blink. Well. That you know of.

Shaking your head, you climb out of the car, mentally preparing to unload armloads of bags. Maybe, if you really, really try, today will be the day you can finally get all twenty bags in, in one trip.

Right. And, shortly thereafter, you can have both forearms set, and casted. Be a real turn-on, in the bedroom.

You’ve managed to grab half a dozen bags, when the door to the mud room opens. “Hey, don’t grab too many!” Letty warns, as she comes hopping down the steps. “Let us help!”

Glancing up, you smile. For having had such a rough start, Letty can be a sweet girl. You know she gets that from her father. “Well, thank you,” you reply, resting a few, fabric handles onto her outstretched hands.

Letty grins, lowering her hands to her sides, before leaning in. “Did you talk him into it?” she whispers, conspiratorially.

You snicker, and whisper back, “He isn’t getting a choice. He’s outnumbered.”

“Yes!” Her hiss of victory is hardly subtle, catching Coco’s attention as he pokes his head out the door.

“You two plottin’ against me, again?”

“Yes,” you and Letty reply, in unison, leading you to erupt into a fit of giggles.

Coco is all grins. “’Course, you are.” He strides closer, he and Letty dancing around one another as she moves into the house. You lean into the car, and retrieve a few more bags. If Coco’s out here, he might as well assist. He’s peering into the car, once you stand back up, and lets out a low whistle. “Damn, (y/n)! You buy out the whole store, or what?”

“Hardly,” you reply, dryly. You hold up your hands, offering Coco the bags. “Here you go.”

“Oh, don’t mind if I do.” Thankfully, your hold on the bags is solid. Instead of grabbing the groceries, Coco’s hands are suddenly groping all over you. One hand is settled firmly at your ass, the other sliding into your hair, at the back of your head. He wastes no time diving in for a slow, deep kiss, and, damn, does his timing suck. He could have at least let you put the bags down, first. The contact makes you tingle, and has you regretting your decision not to stay home. Coco pulls back, after a few seconds, and hums. “Mm. Best delivery ever.”

You can’t help the small snort of amused laughter that leaves your throat. “Good try, Coco,” you praise, easing back far enough to offer him the bags, again. The look of disappointment on his face is just pitiful. “I’m not banging you in the garage.”

He has the grace to mock gasp. “I’d never!” It’s a crock, and you both know it. He looks too amused to be repentant, and you look too aware to be angry. You just raise your hands, slightly, in a third offer. Coco sighs. “All right. All right.” He takes the bags from your hands.

“Thank you.” You grab another load for yourself, rounding the open car door to follow Coco’s lead, into the house. One more trip for each of you, and you should have it covered. So much for only buying fifteen items.

Coco might be right about buying out the store.

*

Watching from the dining room, Coco has a good view of you and Letty unpacking the last of the groceries. Damn kid, she’d thrown him out, about ten minutes prior.

“Less groping, more helping, Coco,” Letty had warned him, after he’d tried to pin you against the sink.

It had been his last warning. Now, he’s been banished. Not the worst thing in the world, not really. Over the last few weeks, he’s really learned that there are some tasks he’s not so fond of. Pruning roses… Yeah, he’s pretty sure you’ll never let him do that, again. And, hey, nobody told him what to fill the bird feeder with. Unpacking groceries goes on that list, somewhere between line-drying laundry, and a streak-free mirror. He’s not sure why. Goodness knows, it makes him feel like a kid at Christmas, most times. Since being with you, though…

Since being with you, he feels like he’s taking advantage of something.

Yes, groceries are a strange place to let that feeling land, but he can’t help it. Coco’s been responsible for feeding himself since before he cares to remember. The only time anyone provided his meals was during deployment, and half that shit barely passed for edible. You, though… You keep the house stocked with more food than he’s seen anywhere, outside of a corner market. Letty always has options to take to school, and there’s a nutritious dinner on the table, almost every night. (Some nights, he actually does win the battle for delivery). If Coco goes on a run, you send him along with snacks for the road. And, yeah, he kinda’ likes that. He also likes the energy bars you picked out for him, last week. Something with cherries, and dark chocolate. He wonders, for a second, if you picked up any more. Come in handy during his mid-week trip outta’ town.

Coco blinks. Then, he does it again, just for good measure. That’s it. That’s what’s so fucking weird about this whole thing.

It’s you.

Okay, no, it’s not you, you. But, it’s you. It’s you, taking care of him. It’s you, seeing to his needs. Letty’s needs. It’s you, being his wife, his partner. It’s you, slotting into the place of role-model for his teenaged daughter. Welcoming them into your home. Not treating it like it’s your home. It’s you, being so fucking perfect for him, it’s taken his mind all this time to catch up with reality.

Coco doesn’t get perfect. Perfect doesn’t want him.

Except, now, it does.

Before he knows what he’s doing, Coco strides into the kitchen. He doesn’t wait for you to put the box of pasta in the cupboard. He just takes it from your hand, ignoring your confused look, as he tosses it onto the counter.

“Coco!” Letty admonishes, but it’s no use. He’s already lifting you off the floor, arms around your perfect backside. The kid gives a long-suffering sigh, he hears it, but pays it no mind.

Nothing – nothing – is going to keep him from holding you in his arms.

Your own arms go around Coco’s neck, and you smile down at him, surprise still lingering in your eyes. “Uhm… Hi, there.”

Coco grins. “Hey, muñeca.” Leaning up, he pecks you on the lips.

“Can I help you with something?” you ask, to which Coco shakes his head. Closes his eyes, as your fingers play in his hair.

“Nah. Got all I need.”

*

Pulling a package of mixed vegetables from the half-unpacked shopping bag, Letty rolls her eyes. You two… God, you’re gross. Coco always has his hands on you, no matter what you’re trying to do. It’s a wonder you don’t carry a damned fly swatter around. Actually, it’s a wonder you ever accomplish anything. He’s always smooching, and smiling, and snuggling at you. It’s disgusting. It’s pathetic.

It’s so damned cute, it’s sickening.

Really, Letty’s enjoying seeing Coco so happy. Like, genuinely happy. Not the false pride he carries around with his kutte. He’s more relaxed, nowadays. He drinks less, and he spends more time at home, both of which mean he’s not hanging around with those skanks at the clubhouse. He eats more, he’s healthier… Nothing to complain about, there.

And, hey, she has no complaints about you, either. You’re pretty cool, all-around. A woman who takes care of herself, and her family, and doesn’t bitch about either one. You’re not using Coco for money, or status, none of the shit she’s always been worried her father would fall into. There aren’t arguments, every night, not even between herself and Coco, as of late. No hostilities, nothing to avoid the house over. Just good dinners, and movies, and a new fish tank in her room. (Okay, so, you’d earned some major points with that birthday gift. She hadn’t actually expected to get one, when she’d mentioned it). For the first time, she understands what a peaceful, happy family feels like. It feels nice. It feels like home.

Glancing back to where Coco now has you perched on the counter top, stealing the most syrupy-sweet smooches… Letty can’t help but smile. Home is A-okay by her.

*

The sound of the air conditioner humming in the bedroom usually lulls you right to sleep. Tonight, it’s just providing you with white noise, a low background track to your thoughts. You don’t mind, not really. It gives you a few minutes to reflect on the day that’s just ended. To plan your day, tomorrow. To weave your fingers through Coco’s hair, and listen to him breathe. That, alone, makes it worthwhile.

Coco has been asleep against your shoulder for nearly an hour, now. Your arms are wrapped around him, comfortably, his own around your waist. You’d urged him up to bed, after he’d fallen asleep on the couch, his head in your lap. He’d snoozed from the middle of the movie, to the end of the nightly news report. Letty had tsked, and complained that no one had any business, whatsoever, in falling asleep during Zombieland. (How he’d stayed asleep was still a wonder to you, both, for how hard you’d been laughing at Tallahassee). With your fingers in his hair, Coco had been blissfully unaware for a couple of hours.

Glancing down, you take in the sight of your husband’s sleeping face. He looks so damn peaceful, the kind you’d outright murder to preserve for him. Coco’s still struggling with sleep, and relaxation, even though you’d hoped it would ease up, once your nuptials had passed. Most of it, you know will never go away. Anxiety doesn’t have a magic wand, or some perfect little on/off switch. And, all things considered, today wasn’t a terrible day. You’d been able to leave the house, with minimal panic on Coco’s part. Granted, it had taken extra time to get the groceries put away, and dinner made, but… You understand, as much as you are able to, that Coco needs the reassurances. It doesn’t cost you anything to carve a few moments from the day, every here and there, to give him what he needs.

Okay, so it did cost you that first batch of pancakes, this morning. They’d burned on the stove, and set off the smoke alarms, when he’d insisted on a dance through the living room. But, Coco loved the song you’d been playing on your Spotify, so there was really no denying him.

Oh, and… Yeah, you’d missed that phone call from the bank, the week before. Your husband had slipped up next to you, on the porch swing, and snuggled you to within an inch of your life. An easy fix, and you still got the business loan, but…

And, sure, you’ve been late to work, on numerous occasions. Coco has a habit of sneaking into your morning shower. And, after that… Well, hell, you own the company. It’s not like you have to explain to the boss that you’re late to your shift, on account of baby-dancing. (Fucking forums).

Point is, you’re more than happy to take care of Coco’s emotional needs. It may take you an extra hour to pay your bills. Daily tidying may have become every-other-day-if-you’re-lucky tidying. And, your ass may have gone numb, tonight, while he slept on your thigh. During which time, you could have loaded the dishwasher. Taken out the trash. Any number of tasks that have been neglected, in the name of Coco. They can wait.

Leaning in, you press a tender kiss to your husband’s forehead, before settling back in, and closing your eyes. Yes, chores can wait. Work can wait. The whole world can hold it, with both hands. So long as you’re around, Coco’s well-being will never have to take the back seat.

*

P.S. If Coco denies it, he’s full of it. He fucking loved that cauliflower pizza. Fucking vegetarians, indeed.

Masterlist | Request | Tag List

[osita-iza]

let's fall in love for the night (you visit his house) daichi x gn!reader

this is a sequel to this drabble

Daichi groaned as he got out the shower. It was almost 2 a.m; there was no damn reason for anyone to be knocking on his door right now. He grabbed his towel and wrapped it around his lower half. He didn't care enough to put on an actual outfit. His neighbor in the apartment two doors over seemed to be incapable of remembering his apartment number whenever they got drunk.

"How hard is it to get your friends to drop you off at your fucking apartment?" Daichi yanked open the door.

Your arms were wrapped around your body. A feeble "hi" left your lips as you stared at each other.

"Y/n?"

Your hands moved as you wrapped and unwrapped them around each other. "You're not wearing any clothes."

"You're back in Japan."

"Yeah, I'm here," you forced a laugh.

Daichi shook his head. "I'm being rude. Come on in, just give me a sec to get dressed."

You smiled at him as you followed inside. He scurried into his bedroom, while you sat yourself down on the couch. You had spent enough time here that, even a year later, you still relaxed as you sat down.

He walked back into the living room in the first shirt and pair of sweatpants that he could find. "When did you get back?"

"I landed earlier today. My parents picked me up, so I've been spending time with them," you said.

Daichi sat down on the opposite side of the couch. He used to try to sit as close to you as possible. But with what happened last time you were over... He didn't know if you would be comfortable with that. "I could've picked you up."

"Well, it's been a while since we really talked. I didn't know if you wanted to see me," you grimaced, "I'm sorry about dropping off like that,"

"It was both of our faults."

"How have you been?" you asked. Daichi couldn't help the smile on his face as he looked at you. Your eyes were sparkling at the thought of listening to him. You were the only person who could make him talk about himself and not make him feel selfish.

"Pretty good. I got started at the police academy."

Your jaw dropped. "You're gonna be a cop? Will you help me with my tax evasion then?"

"I'll pretend I didn't hear about your tax evasion and call it even," he laughed.

"I missed you while I was in Korea," you admitted, "You were my best friend here,"

"I missed you a lot too," he said. He never said it out loud, especially with how everything was let. Between you and him. Between you and Tanaka.

You looked down at your hands. He furrowed his eyebrows. You were never the nervous type around him. "Are you still friends with Tanaka? How is he?"

"Yeah." Daichi gulped. It took a long time for Daichi to be able to look his friend in the eyes after you. "He was a mess for a little while after you guys broke up to be honest. But he's been doing better lately. He works as a personal trainer for a gym nearby,"

You chewed on your cheek. "I didn't really date a lot while I was in Korea."

His stomach dropped. He was used to being the in between for you and Tanaka. As much guilt as there was, he had hoped that what happened between you and him would maybe stop the cycle. He would help you out anyway he could though; he didn't know how not to with you.

"I couldn't date in Korea because I compared everyone to you, Dai," you admitted, finally looking up at him. "That's why I stopped texting. I almost didn't come here, but my coworker got me to take a couple shots and all the sudden I ended up here and needed to talk to you."

"Have you talked to Tanaka at all?" You shook your head with a frown on your face.

He was wrong; now his stomach dropped. The old song and dance he knew by heart. He didn't know this. When you were out of reach, it was easy to force his feelings down. It's easy to tell himself that he was a good person- a good friend.

Now you were sitting in his living room in the middle of the night. You had flown back into the country, and it was his house that you came to visit. His house that you knocked on. It was him that you were asking for.

Now, for the not first time in your friendship, he had to face the act that he had a choice. You or one of his best friends. The best friend who's heart had been broken by you. He didn't know if the guilt or not having you was worse.

He didn't feel like a good friend. Hell, after what happened last time you were in his house, he didn't even feel like he was a good man. But he prided himself on his honesty.

So he was honest with you.

Daichi cleared his throat, and he took note of how you sighed.

"All I've thought about since you left was you."

[gregorovitch-adler]

The Resident Patient - 2

Ooh, Stam-o's intro is here! I like it hehe.

"Just a light-hearted tale of some friends having a sleep over." Yeah, I think not. 🤭

Poor John got kidnapped in the end of Part-1.

"What did you see, John?" Love it when Sherlock calls him John in this version!

John being sassy about the supposed ghost attack is amazing lol. Love his overall characterisation.

"He wasn't on his tippy-toes, was he?" That delivery in Sherlock's voice was funny.

John says "tippy-toes" is childish and lame, forgets to edit it out. Again. Typical him.

I love the fact that they played the mic recording multiple times to analyse that thud and the sprint. Maintains the sense of thrill and intrigue quite well.

"You are beginning to echo his fear, are you not?" Sherlock was actually quite considerate of Avery when John tried to be dismissive of him and his "illusions".

So, we're still on with that condom case? 🤭 How many times are condoms going to be in crime-solving in this adaptation? First The Solitary Cyclist, and now this.

"Nobody does need me." - Sherlock Holmes.

Yeah, no. Millions of people in the real world disagree with you on that, dear.

"The only crimes that happen here are tax evasions and high-end sex-work. You don't strike me as either." (Paraphrasing).

This episode is filled with banging one-liners. 😂

Side note but Blessington's voice actor has done a great job in this adventure.

John is back with his ramble-y self again.

Damn, Sherlock. Those words were harsh! Even I thought he was saying all that to John for a sec lol.

"What's exactly going on in your mind? Wait, not exactly. The Watson-friendly version." - 🤭

Perfect, now he fancies a sleep over at the bloody clinic.

He's an idiot, your honour.

But he's our idiot.

Oh, they're staying in one room but on two single beds. 👀

"I breathed in. Then, I decided it was best to breathe out, a few seconds later."

The writing team wrote a banger of an episode this time. Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed all episodes of this podcast so far, but this one is particularly standing out because of all the sass.

Did John just talk about wanting to change with Sherlock right there in the room? Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

"You have a sharp mind, Watson. You're brilliant, and your thoughts are never stupid." (Paraphrasing).

Aww. 🥺 I love them so much.

Aaand he calls him stupid again. 🤭

"Fill a brother in." I really like it when Sherlock's voice expresses happiness or laughter. Love his voice actor's job too, especially in this episode.

"If you don't convince me, you have to wear the jacket." - I love their banter a lot.

Sherlock is here with the jacket of shame! You have to wear it now, Watson.

I can't believe John is seriously suspecting Percy in this case. Let's see what happens next.

Hey, Sherlock? John was already scared to death in the beginning of this episode, because he was actually attacked in the end of the previous one. Can you tone down with your horror narration? Ffs.

They got locked in! Even the window wouldn't open.

Good thinking on Sherlock that he decided to use that "disgusting jacket" to protect himself from the shards while smashing open the window.

This case is really exciting.

Poor Sherlock is starting to sound disheartened now.

Jeez, what a twist! Avery hanged himself?! Wtf??

Onto the next part of this case, then. Another cliffhanger.

I missed the intro/outro music. Here it is, again. Lovely.

See you next week. Bye!

I finally got down to listening to Sherlock&co.

1.) I really like this new take on he Holmes adaptation. It's different and interesting. Sounds fresh.

2.) Their voices are distinct, but personality wise, Sherlock is quite similar to BBC Sherlock's Sherlock. But not John.

3.) John is so hilariously awkward and I get so much second hand embarrassment listening to him. 🤭 But I quite like this new way of characterising him. He is authoritative when he truly needs to be. But the rest of the time, the intro and outro of his podcast are record so pathetically lmfao. Love this John Watson.

4.) Mariana from Hudson's instead of just Mrs Hudson? I thought her character was going to be based on Mary Morstan from ACD canon (because of her name), but not really. She's a completely different character altogether. And Sherlock keeps calling her Mrs Hudson and she keeps correcting him saying it's Mariana from Hudson's. XD I can't say much on her character because I'm just on The Illustrious Client right now, but she sounds likeable.

5.) I love how they chose this story (The Illustrious Client) as their first one in the series of podcasts. I really liked that one in ACD canon too. The plot was quite intriguing and I like this idea a lot.

6.) John always calls him Sherlock but Sherlock calls him Watson sometimes. Many a time, actually. What's that about?

I'll probably make more posts as I keep listening to more. That's all for now.

@a-victorian-girl , @jamielovesjam

[punz4lyfe]

My Single-Sentence Thoughts For Each Major SMG4 Character

SMG4

Not much else other then he’s a good, yet standard mainline character.

Mario

Sometimes I ponder whether he had more agency in the classic videos or modern ones.

Luigi

His appearances generally feel like a Luigi’s Mansion or Mario & Luigi RPG game in 10-fold and I like that.

Peach

Can actually be an interesting character if she was given more appearances.

Bowser

Always a joy to see on-screen.

Toad

Okay and nothing else.

X

Alright character, but it’s kinda sad his appearances mostly just relegate to WOTFI’s referee these days.

FM

I agree wholeheartedly with ya, Cube is cute!

 Meggy Spletzer

Started out as an obvious Mary Sue, but now she’s just alright, though her fans, both for her Inkling and human forms, are just insufferable.

Fishy Boopkins

He has his cute moments, but sometimes his love for anime can get annoying, like in the 2020 Christmas special.

Bob

Many hate him, yet I like him.

Saiko Bichitaru

Her subtle character development is honestly something I really love about her.

Shroomy

I’m very mixed on his Anti form, as it either makes him more interesting or it’s just plain cringe due to how forced it can be and the fact that it literally came out from nowhere without any prior hints in its debut episode.

Tari

She started out a really great and still is imo, but it’s honestly a bit annoying how Kevin and Luke now seem very adamant in making sure she doesn’t get hurt anymore these days.

Axol

Started out very cool and awesome, but then he became another mindless simp which is just cringe.

Melony

Cute and funny, but the whole “ship tease” with Axol can go fuck itself.

Steve

Always hilarious to see.

Chris Gordman

Love his straight-man motif with Swagmaster.

Swagmaster6969

Every second of screentime with him is always a blast, both literally and figuratively.

Whimpu

His only defining character trait is being a simp and that’s just ugh for several reasons.

JubJub Boopkins

Absolutely adorable.

Belle Fontiere

While an awesome character in Meta Runner, being the “sane one” of the cast in SMG4 just makes dreadfully boring when so many other characters already have such roles.

Rob

His corn delivery was actually really good and did a great job in giving him more personality and touching his relationship with Bob.

Jeeves

Just like Peach, can actually be funny and interesting if he got more appearances.

Hal Montior

Dull character that Luke really, REALLY should’ve at least tried to handle better in the year he was introduced and the only thing I like about him are his facial expressions.

SMG3

Incredibly entertaining to watch and the voice Jame provides for him just enhances that.

Wario

Seeing him makes him miss the Wacky Wario Bros. episodes cause they were just so damn good.

Waluigi

More or less the same as Wario, only with the fact that I feel his arc could’ve ended with a lot more potential.

Desti

Very boring, her death was stupid (seriously, why the fuck would you celebrate from killing ONE Sephiroth clone when Francis STILL has the Inkweaver), and her fans REAALLLLY love her WAY too much. (give up, she’s not coming back)

Greg

Was I supposed to take his death and “friendship” with Mario seriously or something?

Yoshi

Tax evasion jokes got stale quickly.

Sonic

Instead of just making him Swagmaster’s waifu, Luke should give him and Eggman their own episodes again since having nothing but arcs or SMG4′s gang for every single episode can get extremely redundant every once in a while, especially when it primarily features the same characters over and over again.

[batarangsoundsdumb]

hae interrogationes multae respondeant quia demens .

if you read this entire ask post you deserve a gold star and financial recompensation

Um, Obviously because when you’re adopted by a white guy you automatically become white duhhh

this is about this post lmao and yeah youre absolutely right, you have to hand your poc card in when you get adopted by a white guy.

Do you think Cass would listen to Yanni, the YouTube channel epic symphonic rock, or some other stuff? There's some cool mashups but idk if that's up your alley, I kinda feel like I'm pushing it with my weird taste of music by recommending an orchestra cover of metal, but i just love that sort of thing and mashups :P @harvestyourcherries 

i haven’t heard of that? but in my personal (correct) opinion steph listens to classical music, and then both modern and older, and then also stuff like black sabbath, iron maiden, but also hardrock and hardcore. i like the idea of cass just liking the most extreme screaming songs full of noise and then also listen to pachelbel’s 370th sonata yanno? THANK YOU for the rec tho

speaking of ur cass playlist hc...reminds of the time (yesterday) i found 2 playlists randomly on spotify from the same user. one was abt 3 hours of instrumental/classical "dark" & "nostalgic" music. the other almost 11 hours of nothing but hardcore bass/synth/electronic music. just an incredible tightrope act to put on in public. the synth one was also called like "psalms for synth sluts" which is Also incredible

tbh i LOVE synth SO MUCH like for no reason at all but then also cannot handle a poppy electronic beat lmao. but this seems like the kinda thing i’d do but just in one (1) playlist bc i just sort songs by vibe instead of genre? that’s how i end up with britney spears and billy ray cyrus in the same playlist. 

Oh, I want Kate Kane playlist next! It would be amazing if you could do one when you have time and will 🙏

how rude would it be of me to just say no? like sorry kate but idk you and also you seem way too keen on the us military for an institution that homophobically targeted you? (and also commits war crimes) but let’s unpack the fact that the institution that caused the death of your mom and sister and also got you blacklisted for being gay is still one you align with???

'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' --- when i tell you i fucking screamed LOL!!!!!!! i can imagine the cameraman not knowing if he should cut to commercial or keep it on these two weirdos fighting on stage (bruce definitely ruffled dick's hair/noogied him right?? 

about this post but yeah lmao. this cameraman just turns to like the audience to get a reaction and it’s just multiple moments of CLEAR shock.

you are the only funny person on this hellsite

how egotistical is it for me to say that i get this ask multiple times a month? bc it literally happens so often it’s hilarious to me.

Wish there was more john/Bruce content 😔😔😔 was so hungry I actually looked at canon media 😔😔😔 (Justice League Dark babeeeyyyyyy)

check out batman: damned for some mediocre content but at least it’s john/bruce (also very interesting story and stuff, just got very >:( over this weird part where harley quinn tried to r*pe bruce or something? it’s not for everyone)

dick grayson but he's nicki minaj

his anaconda don’t want none,,, unless...... 

Dick Grayson was never a cop, he played Marshall on Paw Patrol

you are SO right. also paw patrol is a fucking good show idc. that shit could’ve been the new steven universe on this hellsite.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CS1lI0bLI7-/?utm_medium=copy_link

...

why do people keep reposting my CONTENT. if you are not funny yourself don’t just grab shit off of tumblr and post it on insta,,, get a life. sidenote: should i start an insta and get all these ppl to take my content down that would be funny as hell.

Might I suggest for a Gotham City Meme: something about the true crime fandom thirsting for the rogues gallery

ok can i just say something slightly controversial?? no? i don’t find true crime ppl who are into criminals funny, that shits disturbing irl im not gonna bring that into my very chill universe.

i may have never seen a 'jason cleaning guns in sink' fic but i do know he WOULD

THANK YOU

bestie im sorry to say this to you but while you can, and people do wash their guns in the sink, that is a lot of lead in a very vital part of the kitchen.

people tend to do it in the bathtub.

WHY???? like damn why do you even have guns

i dont think i read many gun sink fics exactly but i have read lots of fics where jason cleanes his guns in the living room. usualy dissembles them and cleans them with a rag i think

lmao fair enough, like i think that’s a large part of what i remember as well.

if you say you've seen/read gun sink fics I believe you. I think those of us who didn't see them are lucky or maybe didn't search for fics by tags or something idk

i mean ive never sought them out but i HAVE seen them,, like definitely i know almost for certain.

saw your tags and I'm interested in Steph/Kara now. They would be the most chaotic couple <3

literally thoooo, i have a wip where they get together in a zombie apocalypse and like UGGGHhhh i am so in love with them.

I am the Breece anon. Thanks for the recommendation; am reading now. I’ve always been a hardcore Superman fan because I love my pure himbo farm boy. My logic is, if one Bruce is a Broose, then multiple Broose are a herd of Breece. And this is a hill upon which I will perish.

fair enough,,,, like moose, meese, goose, geese, bruce, breece. i get your logic and i stand by it as well. (glad you enjoyed the comic recs!!!!)

It's a beautiful day in Gotham, and you are a group of horrible Breece

OH my god dude lmao

there only being 42 fics on ao3 for tim and bernard is honestly so sad i need more

it’s like twice that now!!! we did it lads. (tho very sad that my fic isnt number one but like number 4 :((((  )

i'm too late you already did the poll lol but may i suggest bethy (bernard + timothy)

shit dude that wouldve been so fucking funnyyyyy. think ppl have just stuck to timber tho, tim/bernard kinda died down recently and i think it’s too bad, they’re a great couple and i love them.

Wait, hear me out

Bernothy @redlightofdawn

great recommendation (lmao this ask is from like a month ago) but very sorry to announce that NARDTH is the superior shipname

Wait, we know that bernard likes milfs (Tim's step-mom) but what about dilfs? gilfs?

Wait no, I regret sending that ask

these were two seperate asks and they’re HILARIOUS. in my personal opinion tho,,, milfs, gilfs, dilfs are just about vibes and bernard is just attracted to sexy ppl who may sometimes be milfs, dilfs, or EVEN gilfs.

crime in bludhaven would drop to half if nightwing had a boob window. in this essay i will-

WHERE’S THE ESSAY ANON, WHERE’S THE FUCKING ESSAY

Wait if Barbra and Tim r at opposite ends at all times what happened to Barbra once everyone’s Tim’s ever love before started dying lol

she won a lottery ticket and spent 2 weeks on a resort in the bahamas before returning home and finding out that the joker was arrested for tax evasion and then spent a month staying at her big tiddie goth girlfriend’s house before conner came back to life and she broke her pinkie playing table hockey.

Why is the opposite end thing so funny and compelling to me. Tim comes back from his depression quest for Bruce and Babs is now a literal god

lmao when tim loses his spleen barbara reaches nirvana.

Are you still taking music recs because I have three songs that remind me of Jason that I think you'd like

send to me or lose a toe

🌸 ⭐ put this star into the inbox of your favorite blogs. it’s time to spread positivity! ⭐🌸😋

thanks, i wont tho on account of i wont.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMduBy3Sr/

⬆️

This is the whole of Blüdhaven and everyone anywhere.

Nightwings ass alone saves more people in a calendar year and does more for so society than most heroes do their whole career.Also u are one of the funniest tumblr pages out there. The vibes are unmatched and the memes and tags ✨send me✨.Thank u and goodnight @julia-flow 

fanksss also lmao.

That's going to be a little bit difficult to explain, but

There's some music that you listen to and you think, "oh my gosh, I can perfectly imagine Dick Grayson singing this song, with the same voice as the singer because that voice matches with Dick Grayson"?

oh yeah totally lmao. i have a lot of songs that i think are just entirely dick grayson yanno? kind of all of my playlists have that vibe, but i really find bleachers to fit with dick? idk.

"Lois lane/Superman" fics this, "Lois lane/Clark Kent" fics that, (/lh) let's get into the real good stuff. Some people ship Lois, Clark, and Superman as a throuple. Most popular fic tag for sure

yes totally, i think they’d be absolutely killer on ao3 and clark gets so fucking embarassed about it.

I miss your post, hope you’re doing okay!!

haha this was like 2 months ago, but i was doing fine then too! just didn’t have a lot of inspiration in terms of content.

Doot doot!

noot noot

I’m confused. What did DC do now? Like with nightwing? And another sibling? Please spoil everything for me

lmao they gave him a secret sister plotline where they had his dad cheat on his mom with tony zucco’s wife, bc dick’s life wasn’t traumatic enough yet.

sorry but it's so funny that batman is called "the dark knight" when the gotham city baseball team is called the gotham knights. it'd be like if a vigilante was running around new york called like "the scary yankee"

lmaooo no. but like yankee comes from dutch names or something so wouldnt it be HILARIOUS if gotham knights came from like german names and bruce would be running around called the dark KLAUS UND NIEK @graysonnightwing 

(not a batcest shipper) it’s so funny to me that the responses are “i’m a batcest shipper because i can differentiate fiction from reality and and it doesn’t bother me personally, but i understand why you oils think it’s weird” to “i wish all batcest shippers a very fucking die”

yeah lmaoo. i personally basically flipped my entire stance around to ‘i dont care please leave me and everybody else alone’ bc i think there’s really no point in starting a moral dillema over some fucking fandom bullshit. Please just,,, go home,,, log off, find a nice forest to have a little walk in and remember that somewhere in history, somebody probably died in the place you’re standing. and you will also die someday, and somebody will have to look at your internet usage and see you fighting multiple people anonymously while being named ‘nightwingsbuttchin200186′ like... calm down, we’re all gonna die this is not the thing to worry about.

so since like "wards" don't really exist in modern society almost all the batkids are foster kids, right? i used to work in the system and imagine: monthly visits from social workers and guardian ad litems, bruce having to get permission to take the boys anywhere out of state, calling their social worker at like 8 a.m. like "yeah dick broke his arm again... a gymnastics accident this time...." their poor social worker. bruce send her a huge bouquet and box of chocolates every month to stay on her good side

i imagine the social worker just getting into the case like ‘yeah let’s get this kid a good guardian’ and then ending up having to work with 22 y/o bruce wayne and his 50 y/o dad. and so this social worker is like ‘okay we can work with this, this is the best home i can find’ and then like it ends up landing on its feet and then the kid gets adopted and then they get a call a year later like ‘uhm so hi, this kid tried to steal my tyres can i adopt him?’ and like 3 years later. ‘okay so basically, my neighbours’ kid imprinted on me and now they’re dead, can i keep him?’ two years later it’s like ‘okay so this assassin child-’

ever since I saw that one post of yours, the meme that's something like "I know that abba's backup dancer got me" with a picture of discowing, I've been haunted. Every once in a while I'll be minding my own business then the image of abba's backup dancer dick grayson aka nightwing aka discowing will flash in my mind and I'll be frozen in place. Today at work I was in the middle of folding clothes and suddenly once again discowing entered my mind and I suddenly lost the ability to see anything except He. Thank you.

wow. the IMPACT.

Braver than any US marine man props to you🤝

this shit is about the time i wrote an article on batcest, like man,,, the fact that i didn’t get cancelled is MIRACULOUS. also like,,, uh if anybody on here did gossip on me,, send screenshots i’d love to see it.

Hello, just wanted to say your article was great. Thank you for taking the time to provide an unbaised answer. It should provide people with nuances they couldn't possibly conjure on their own.

May I ask where your username originates from?

yes you may (also thanks!!!) i thought it up when i was trying to find an original username bc i didnt want to be called like ‘timdrakes something something’ or ‘jason todd something smoething’ or ‘dick grayson something something’ yanno? so i thought batarangs, they sound so dumb and that’s my username story... now it’s my whole entire brand lmao.

yno that bit in kick ass where red mist asks kick ass if he wants a hit of his blunt, was that the inspo for stoner tim

no? it’s bc i think stoners are hilarious and drugs are great. (dont do drugs tho) 

How would u feel if someone actually wore one of those bruce or ollie pride shirts u edited

fenomenal next question.

Dick as lil huddy and Jason as James gave me radiation poisoning and now I’m screaming crying throwing up so thx for that

(Rico suave as Tim is perfect tho literally no changes needed)

i was so funny for that shit wasn’t i??? lmao i loved those weird ass fancasts

You're doing the Lord's work by providing us with all these Gotham/Metropolis citizens memes, thank you for being so relentlessly funny @nellethiel-aranel

you’re welcome!! i really enjoy making memes, but getting validation for my content and my memes is REALLY nice.

Bruce is such a slut in your memes and honestly i love that for him @rhodey-rhudert-rhodes-main 

he’s that much of a slut irl too dw.

Bruce and Alfred have an emergency pride flag for the batkids. Oliver Queen printed an emergency "I love my gay son" t-shirt and as soon as Roy told him he was dating Jason, Oliver started wearing that shirt everyday and Roy always cringes when he sees it. Oliver also has an emergency "I love my lesbian daughter" shirt just in case for Cissie.

lmao YES i had a post like this bc like all of their kids/family members are so gayy

stop bringing back batfam fancasts it is not real it is not real it is not- 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

oh yes it is my darling.

did discowing burn down the notredam because he hates the bees? @allulily

no he did it bc fuck the french.

im gonna beg for 1 thing and 1 thing only. please please please put physical by olivia newton john on dick's playlist

okay then beg. bc i wont. physical reminds me too much of glee and that hurts me mentally.

your playlist is sorely missing some Madonna. Specifically Into the Groove, Like a Prayer, and Vogue

i’m scared of madonna that’s why she’s not on there. she haunts me in my dreams.

suggestion: son of batman by aaron dews for dick’s playlist🤩

sorry, i listened to it and the vibe didn’t agree with me.

Hear me out, metropolis citizens sending rare pair fics of Clark Kent x Superman fics to Lois to edit

yes, absolutely hilarious. even more funny if they send like physical copies, no address attached and lois sends it back marked with red ink, SOMEHOW

Imagine all the smut Clark must of read editing the fics

clark reads smut confirmeeed

NOT LOIS READING SUPERBAT PORN AND EDITING IT A 2AM 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

hc that alfred is a meta that boosts healing factor of the people around him. if the bats are injured as much as they seem to be they would be doing bat stuff MAYBE half the year. no one including alfred knows about this. whenever the kids move out they inexplicably dont recover from injuries as fast and feel better whenever they visit the manor they just chalk it up to homesickness. bruce just thinks he heals really fast. alfred thinks everyone doesnt take care of themselves properly @finchcollector

that’s actually such a great idea, but i think that alfred would find out and learn how to concentrate it better so he can help more people, bc he’s great and i love him.

One of your dickfast posts reminded me of that tweet that goes: 'so you've had sex how many times? Yeah technically that's not a bromance' lol that's dickwally or dickroy

literally tho. like that’s all of dick’s friendships. once it gets past a certain time dick is like ‘wow i wonder what it would be like to make out with wally, wally come make out with me’ and wally’s like ‘we’ve done this like 40 times, dick, you know what it’s like’ and dick is like ‘sorry are you complaining?’ and they just make out.

superfam and batfam associations??

-batman and superman

-dick/barabara and supergirl?

-conner and tim

-jon and damian

pls enlighten me I am confused

nope,,, uhm batman and superman, but dick and superman as well, and then conner and tim, jon and damian and steph + babs with supergirl

I came across a fic in which Wonder Woman calls Batman "Stella" (like Stellaluna, the children's book) and I can imagine the batkids hop on the trend and maybe copies of the book appear at random places (aka, everywhere Bruce frequents)

sorry can’t reciprocate that was the name of my high school chemistry teacher and it gives me nightmares to think about.

good human what are your pronouns?

wouldn’t you like to know?

I need me some gothamites preferring harley over joker memes

everyone prefers harley over joker youre just very fucked up if you dont

don't understand why people try to add like veteran policy to the batfamily

dick pulling out his veteran batfam member card so he can eat first: step aside, peasants

Do you know the song Simmer by Haley Williams? It (the first verse anyways) reminds me of Jason? It's about rage.

damn yeah i LOVE HAYLEY!!!! youre right thoo

Okay so I like listen to your stoner Tim Drake playlist 24/7 but would he listen to skegss? Also I keep adding songs mentally it’s killing me 😩✋🏼 Anyways,, I literally love and worship your playlist 😃🤞🏼 And uh yeah have a good day ✨

stoner tim drake playlist is lyfeeee. also dont know who skeggs is? i’m stupid? have a good day!!

All the Robins (and Batgirl) decide to trade costumes for one night just to fuck with Batman and all the villains in Gotham. @subspacecadet 

batman knows it’s them youknow but like,,, what does he call them? he’s like ‘red hood?’ and 3 people answer and he’s not about to compromise some identities so he’s just Pissed.

I aspire to treat cops the way my dad treats them. This man is a 45 year old Asian immigrant to the US and the treats them like his pets. He talks about them like unruly children. Sometimes he pays off local cops to shut up and stop acting racist. And usually it works. I don’t know why but I can see Oliver Queen doing this

vibes... and also yes? oliver queen handing a local cop a donut to shut the fuck up lmao. but yanno i commit enough crimes to not really want to ever see a cop ever, so they kinda scare the everloving fuck out of me.

seeing as tim hasn't aged in years, that means he was 17 at peak emo tumblr era. im back on my emo tim bullshit and im not letting it go

emo tim had a wattpad account send tweet

People seem to think that batman is so dark and serious when the rainbow batsuit is right there. He wore it with no shame.

dude the 60s were a DIFFERENT TIME

dick grew up in a circus, jason grew up on the streets, and tim was probably raised by the internet

all of them cuss every other word and you cannot tell me otherwise

bitch i KNOW but dc has to change to an 18+ rating if they want to sell comix with swear words in them so we gotta deal with imagining the swear words in ourselves

thoughts on teen titans and young justice

haven’t seen teen titans on account of havent seen it and young justice was LITERALLY my favourite thing ever, tho i do gotta admit it’s not at all similar to the young justice comics unfortunately. i really wouldve liked to see timmy bart kon cassie and cissie animated on tv!!

ew ew ew how to delete batcest shippers I genuinely digust them

log off tumblr?

Okay as poc who was called racist for calling an Italian pastabrain: in the batfam are Italians bit Damian just yells various insults about the others being Italian. Just him yelling “What are you doing you moronic spaghettihead!” At steph etc

huh? i meant real italians. homeboy is telling steph he hopes she chokes on her fucking garlic.

I think it's dumb as hell to pull the batman is the best fighter in the batfam argument because like it's just irresponsible of Bruce to let his kids fight when they couldn't possibly be on his league or something

fair enough, but also like who cares they could all kill you just sit down and take a beating.

lady shiva, thalia al ghul and Selina Kyle are all milfs @notanothertimburtonenthusiastugh 

unfortunately, i have to admit,,, you’re right

why tf didn't someone give joker a death sentence already? like he's a mass murderer...give him the electric chair treatment wtf

idk i think plenty of people would have tried to murder him already (boring answer is: he is a popular character so they can’t kill him off bc he brings in lots of money)

There’s no such thing as “ copaganda”.

all american media is propaganda. happy to clear this up for you

is it bad that I find lady shiva owa owa

no. find her as owa owa as you want.

aight I'm guessing the order of your favs in batfam:

1. tim

2. Steph

3. dick

4. Duke

5. the rest

you’re wrong but it’s cute that you tried, i generally don’t have favourites, but i have a special place in my heart for steph, tim, dick and cass. bc they were like my introduction to batfam. but damian, jason, duke, bruce, babs and alfred are NOT FORGOTTEN OR UNLOVED

oh my god i was literally just readily willing to believe that italians werent white ty for clarifying it was a joke im so dumb sdkvjskdfs

i mean some italians aren’t white? italian is a nationality as well as an ethnicity, so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

since I saw so many people doing headcanons about the nationalities of batboys, I see Dick as an Italian.

dont know if youre serious or not, but sure.

super random but

jason 🤝 damian

old english

lmao fair enough.

tim absolutely has 1 gay uncle and his parents shit talk said uncle all the time so after bruce adopts him he specifically reaches out to this uncle to be like "heyyyy just so you know you majorly influenced my life yes i know i havent seen you since i was 5 and at the family reunion yes i know you dont remember my name idc thank you im gay too" and then they never talk again.

yuppp lmao that’s definitely something that could happen. i can also consider tim having no family members, like none. until he does like a dna test and he realises he has like an aunt living barely 2 miles away from him who’s like some illegitimate child of his grandpa.

I dare you one of them sends clark superman/clark fic and clark corrects the shit out of it and then goes like ps his dick is not that big, just telling as someone who has seen it. internet either explodes or goes who tf did he not fuck at this point.

i think everybody would call clark a buzzkill and try to cancel him over that.

so you're telling me Tim Drake wouldn't buy Starbucks?

no. dunkin donuts all the way

One of my favorite things is imagining people finding out jason came back from the dead and being like "oh no does he have magic powers now?!?!?" and he just pulls out a gun and tries to shoot joker

now he doesn’t even have the gun :) lmao

my favorite batfamily fanfictions are the ones where they use their shitty codenames, unironically, in any context

bruce gets codename ‘ugh’ everytime. he hates it.

crazy that tim being a 17 y/o ceo and a stoner who does brand deals are all actual canon things written in detective comics comics and not made up for shits and giggles by you, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb @rowdeyclown

SO CRAZY HUH?

batman au where everything is the same but his utility belt is bright pink

absolutely, but i raise you, his boots light up like sketchers when he kicks people.

unbeknownst to the superhero fandom writers in the dcuniverse, clark and BRUCE are one of the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag on ao3. clark writes the best lois x superman angst, full of unhappy endings and scenes that are a so detailed you'd think you were in the middle of a superhero beatdown. bruce made an ao3 account to fuel "the do the butts match" thing, and makes batman/bruce fics from time to time. he wrote a superbat fic as a joke but ended up making it REAL porny. @concrastinator

dude they’re WAY too busy for that. Oliver Queen and Hal Jordan on the other hand are the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag writing what is Mostly porn.

When the dining table topic gets to politics, Steph says "eat the rich" as the solution

bruce just silently takes away her fork and knife while she’s talking.

[sillysorcerer]

A small flame dances in front of the three guards, the light dancing across their faces.

"It, it's a phantom. it has to be!"

A young, frail knight shakes in his armor. It is ill-fitting, and the three are clearly poorly funded.

"Shut up! it's the witch's trick. It has to be. She's around here somewhere," the large guard corrects his companion. He has a flat, bold face.

"What if it's a fae? or- or a sprite," the first guard asks. The larger guard inches closer to the flame, studying it. The heat is all too real on his face, and it still dances on the wind, hovering in front of him, taunting him. He is about to grab it when the small guard causes him to jump.

"It's a fairy! We're all going to be cursed just looking at it!"

"It's not! Shut up," he snaps back.

"What is it then," the third guard asks. "He might have a point. Fire doesn't just fly."

"F-fine. You have a point." The bulky guard backs away. "Let's just go. She can't have gone far." The three guards cower away, down the road.

The mage known as Rose Lalonde fades slowly back into view, casting off her invisibility now that her pusuers were gone. Fire plays around her fingertips.

Rose leans against the tree on her back. She sits on a waist-high stone wall, built to protect travelers along the road. It stretches further than anyone can see. Long ago it was clean and white, but now it is dusty and grey with time, even as the bright sun shines on it.

Rose extinguishes the flame with a snap of her fingers and heaves a long sigh. Her pointy hat flops slightly, matching her bored sideways glance. She only looks up after noticing the fanged face staring at her, hanging upsidedown from the tree. Whoever it is decended unnaturally quietly, but Rose refuses to give up any emotion.

"You don't seem very worried about the guards," the stranger smirks, grinning ear to ear. Her long black hair floats down a foot or so, a stark contrast to Rose's pale blonde hair. The woman's fangs poke ominously from her mouth.

"Please, these guards couldn't catch their own shadow," Rose responds. She meets the creatures eyes, and stares into a deep green abyss, darker than night.

"You don't seem very scared, human."

"That's probably because I'm not very scared," she replies, leaning back.

"You don't know who I am?"

"You mean you aren't a very strange dryad?"

The stranger is stuck for a moment, without an answer. Her guest laughs, and disolves into thick, black smoke, making the shade as dark as a moonless night. The blackness congeals into a very tall woman, her head resting just below the taller branches. She wears old, distinguished clothing, fitting some sort of noble. A large corset hugs her frame, and the dress under it is tight and ornate.

"Is this more satisfactory for you, before I drink you dry," The vampire asks.

"Much," is the only word Rose Lalonde offers. She still hasn't budged, and at this point, the vampire's curiosity is piqued.

"You are a wanted criminal are you," she asks, "Hiding from the silly guards?"

"It depends on who you ask. Everybody seems interested in the Lady Grimme," she gestures to herself with a flourish of her wrist.

"You must be pursued as well. You didn't show yourself until they left." Rose leaves the vampire with another charming smirk.

"Astute, little wizard-" Rose cuts her off with a sharp

"I am *not* a wizard." The vampire takes a step back, surprised by the sudden expression shown by the mage.

"Struck a nerve, have I, wizard?" She leans in close to rub it in.

"What makes you so different?"

"Everything. They dress like gaudy tyrants from a planet of harlequins, throwing their filthy beards around like unshowered would-be gods. They think magic can be tamed, controlled, and auctioned off. They have no respect for the danger sorcery can create. They believe the world is there to serve nothing other than their inflated intellects. They are fools pretending to be powerful."

"A deep nerve it seems," the vampire laughs. "I'll certainly enjoy draining it," she toys.

"That still doesn't explain why you are wanted."

"The wizards got what they deserved," Rose responds, ignoring the tall brooding woman's teases.

"Don't be so reticent, dear Lady Grimme." The fanged creature sits on the air, seemingly oblivious of gravity.

"Please do tell. Give me a taste of your life." Rose is silent, still smirking at the vampire. The tiny mage thinks she is the one in control here. The vampire is only playing with her, for now. Would they fight, Rose would be hopelessly outmatched by the tall, thin, creature of the night.

"You expect a lot from me when you haven't even told me your name."

"Ah, but names have power, don't you know, Rose Lalonde?" Rose doesn't move.

"Where did you get that name?" Rose feigns concern. She sits perfectly still, watching her fanged guest.

"We both have our secrets."

"But only one of us are any good at hiding them," Rose retorts. Behind her smirk is the ever so subtle presence of superiority.

"Hahahaha!," The black haired vampire has never seen such a bold face presented to her. She can't decide if she hates it, or enjoys it.

"You're a bold one, mage. No one has had such nerve to play games with me." The vampire licks her fangs, staring at this tiny mortal before her feast.

"Unlike the wizards, I can back up my prowess."

"Watch your choice of words, mortal. You can't move from my charm," she teases.

"And you have no way of hurting me even if you wanted to." The black-veiled vampire stands up to loom over Rose, growing closer as they continue their discourse. Rose is quite aware.

"Are you willing to bet on that?" The vampire freezes. Why is this puny mage so confident? She's fallen for every trap laid before her. Why does she still seem so smug? Suddenly, the tall vampire isn't so sure. She smiles, settling on a test for the human.

"Those charmed by my presence are only able to lie." She grins, waiting to see Rose's response.

"Clever. Either I play along, or reveal I am unaffected. And I assume you'll kill me if I don't, so I may as well." The little witch catches on fast, the vampire thinks. At least her meal is a smart one.

"Your death will be more fun this way, you'll see. So, let's begin. What are you really wanted for?"

"Wanton destruction of the kingdom, study of the dark arts, kidnapping, brainwashing, attempted treason, murder, arson, and tax evasion," Rose lists mindlessly off the top of her head as her eyes roll. She doesn't even try to hide her sarcasm. She's issuing a bet, a verbal puzzle, and it hasn't gone unnoticed.

"What of that was the truth," her fanged company frowns. No human could do so much.

"All of it." Rose gives that infuriating smirk again. It is a lie, but not one she can learn anything from. The vampire growls. Moments ago this wizard seemed worried about pitiful humans in thin metal plates, playing guard. Why now does she act so defiant?

"Would you call yourself powerful?"

"Only sometimes," Rose responds. It's impossible to garner the truth from her claims. Rose knows this. It's clear from her piercing, amethyst eyes, and that damned smug smile.

"Are you having fun with this," the vampire asks.

"I've never had this much fun." She responds, leaving loopholes like a genie.

"Will you tell me anything?"

"I'll tell you anything you ask," Rose teases.

"Where are you from?"

"Nowhere in particular." Rose seems to be enjoying this far too much.

"Why aren't you worried?!"

"My mother told me to be a brave girl." The vampire laughs for only a second. It fuels back into her growing anger.

"Why did you act like you could beat me?"

"I was stupid." The vampire scowls, how DARE she LIE about that. She IS a fool for challenging me, the creature thinks.

"Lie or not, I'm getting hungry. Do you have any last words?"

"I do not."

"So bold. What will save you when I bleed you dry?"

"Vodka will save me." Rose has to try not to laugh at her own joke.

"Do you fear me?!?"

"Actually, I enjoy this talk." The vampire raises a claw, only a foot from Rose's face. Then she stops.

This smile is different. There is sincerity in Rose's face. Then she stands and bows... The vampire shifts, standing straight. In an instant, the tension fades, bewilderment taking it's place.

"How did you escape my charm? How are you not enthralled, frozen?" The vampire stoops slightly, studying the human so below her.

"Imagine your surprise when you find out." The tallest female looks irritated again.

"Do you ever tire of speaking in riddles?" The vampire is getting tired of waiting. As if Rose can sense her impatience, she responds.

"Fine. ask me anything. I will give you an honest answer." The vampire studies her, thinking hard. This question will end her little game.

"Why are you still here?"

"I wanted to see you in person." The vampire is frozen. No one, not a single human in ten centuries has ever been this bold in front of such an ancient and powerful being. who *is* she? The creature's thoughts are interrupted by a sudden gust of wind. A massive, four-eyed black dragon lands beside the tree. Rose climbs atop it's back.

"Come Mutini, I think our guest has had enough for today." How dare she! The vampire lunges, but it is too late. The massive dragon has taken off.

The vampire stands, still reeling from the interaction she's just had with this so called Lady Grimme. She was confused at the conflicting information, but more infuriated that her meal was interrupted. Good food doesn't run away. She will find Rose again, and when she does-

the vampire's thoughts are interrupted. She kneels, and picks up a book the witch must have dropped. What a fool.

It takes the vampire a minute to process what she sees. It is the Grimoire of the Zoologically Dubious, written by Abdul Alhazred. The dark arts- was this witch serious when she said she studied the dark arts? There is a bookmark inside, and the vampire opens the book to the marked page. Inside is an illustration of her own face. Kanaya Maryam, the Rainbow Drinker. Listed is her age, powers, and very nature, indiscernable to all but the most foolish humans who dare translate it's ancient text. Below it all, is the mage's signature, "RL".

The vampire realises Rose left this behind on purpose. She had everything planned the second they met, she may even have planned their meeting. She was prepared for every charm, every game, and for her eventual escape. Every answer was planned, every statement calculated, and every move was thought ahead of time. And the vampire fell for it.

She looks up at the fleeting shadow in the air. Never in her entire unnatual life had she met someone quite like Rose Lalonde. But now, she was thirsty for more.

@rosemarymonth2021 Here is my story for the Fantasy prompt

[cloudstongue]

grenade wouldnt even exist as a character if it wasnt for @desklamper i think. for a while it was just me, but i got more character-y with them. honestly grenade could be a lot more than a worrywart buuuut whatever. pops that thought. i really hate grenade with a burning passion but i gotta deal with it ig cuz thats my TECHNICAL NOT REALLY HAHA…self insert…which i guess makes sense with the technical self hatred

theyre all such criminals…it was kinda obvious like it wasnt unexpected but it requires though to come to that conclusion if that makes sense…even if weve seen/heard ace actively commits tax evasion and briefcase is. literally. murderous. 1st degree murder she does NOT CARE…i love her

but yeah i totally agree with you! its like…oke day i wake up and HOLY HELL WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HAPPENING WHY IS THIS PLACE ON FIRE!!! tbh with grenade i make them interact with the problems and like. react to them but not be actively part of it besides trying to fix it or just helping out but they never caused any real conflicts i think. thats a lie that sounds like somethjing i would do but i hope this makes sense again

grenade doesnt even have a biography i just imply whatevrr i feel like. going with the flow. the reason for tjis is one i dont know how to write autobiographies two i dont wanna reveal too much about my own life but then itd be a bit vague…..now think of those two reasons being more of a burden than you thought and your mind constantly being like JUST DO ITTTTT GOD DAMNNNNNNN!!! like stfu plz i. idk

anyway DC as an alcoholic i feel like it coulda been introduced a lil better but i forgot so. also box is really damn unlucky i feel a bit too bad for a fictional character i barely know…i cant even be mad i just dont understand but like give him a break holy hell

aaauuuughhhhh i dont onow how to word my inner thoughts rn…sorry…these might be a lil inaccurate to what i actually think..

hello. it's me. (no, this is not fantasy au stuff.. i wish it was 🙁)

its just about the serious topics in zeeverse from the top of my head.. some of my stuff here might be wrong

Death & Grief: Seen when Box had died — their death affecting Globe, sending her into a sense of grief. From what we saw (or what i remember), it was like she had lost a piece of herself, and found it difficult to do certain things

Alcoholism: Debit Card. Recently just introduced, but we can see that Debit Card is a heavy drinker, supposedly due to stress? To get away from any memories of her (purse). It's used as a coping mechanism.

Stalking & Obsession: As much as you may like Globe, she's a stalker. Yeah, hate to break it to you — she's got an unhealthy obsession with a married man, and has stalked him.. creepy.

Depression: I think multiple characters have this, but the one that comes to mind in specific is Box (also because it's on their wiki). Depression can lead to things like suicidal tendencies, and that's been seen once before in them (when Azriel had offered for them to sell their soul, they agreed in a heartbeat.)

Along with her backstory, which could be part of the reason why he's depressed. Box is probably one of the.. few? many? characters who have depression.

Anxiety & Panic Attacks: .. not sure, possibly Grenade? When stressed, they seem to feel like their losing control over the situation, along with a tremble (voice or body, can differ). These two examples can be linked as symptoms of a panic attack.

From what we see, they struggle to put their thoughts into words. Making it hard to express what exactly they're feelings at the moment.

Crime: Literally, almost everyone in New County has committed some sort of crime.. I think. Can't think of any from the top of my head, but the only person I can think of who went to jail was Mug.. (pot & globe, almost)

ill do the rest when i FEEL like it

what about dynamite for crime…. :(

i feel personally attacked by grenades, not because it happens to me all the time, but because it never happens to me ever. yeah contrary to popular bwlief i have never had a panic or anxiety attack i think. im just a really nervous guy lol. i tend to exaggerate grenades nervousness a lot, its something i did in the beginning before the roleplay got more serious, and then i realize i didnt exactly characterize grenade right at all. or atleast not to my liking. whatever. :(

i feel personally attacked by the last part tho again not because it doesnt happen to me at all but because it happens to me all the time. okay giys class dismissed /j also anxiety like ACTUAL anxiety rapier i think bcuz it was in his bio…though its kinda puzzling cuz rapiers shown to be very nervous at times and then also really nonchalant and calm at others???? man. idk.

stalking and obsession is obviously globe shes basically the mascot of it all. mollie too but tbh compared to globe you could call mollies just an interest, or something. augh globes just like me fr i hate it

ive said this before but i NEVER ever couldve seen DC as an alcoholic coming. out of every unhealthy coping mechanism ever…drinking? it just doesnt seem so debit card-y. infact DC striked me as the type to be against this kind of stuff. so it just baffles me a lot.

ill tag this later im @ the beach and used my phone too much for this

[sleepingcrisis]

*Ahem*

AU where Kojiro, Ainosuke, and Tadashi are con artists who are trying to Con famous calligrapher Kaoru Sakurayashiki out of his fortune.

They underestimate his witt and soon the calligrapher has all three of them under his thumb.

Bonus:

Kaoru doesn't really want them around but they won't leave until they have conned him (at least that is the excuse they come up with (and by they I mean Kojiro and Ainosuke)). Anyway he puts them to work watching over children that he is the godfather to.

***************************************************

"Read the fine print sweetie," Kaoru hummed as he set his brush down since the three storming in had caused a mistake in his brushwork. Damn idiots.

"What?" Ainosuke snatches the paper from Kojiro and Kaoru stared up at the three with boring golden eyes. His chin in the palm of his hand as he takes in their presence. Kojiro is a brute to put it simply, but Tadashi and Ainosuke are much more put together. Perhaps he can make this work after all.

"So now that you three have effectively signed your lives away to me unless you can come up with the money, I suppose you three can leave me alone now instead of playing this game? I can put you to work but I don't need three filthy criminals working for me—"

"Criminals?" Kojiro cut him off with a glare.

"Yes. Criminals," Kaoru sighed softly. "Carla?"

The small hologram projects over his table as he begins to put away his supplies. He wasn't in the mindset to practice his art anymore.

"Nanjo Kojiro: failed business owner. Criminal record including; theft, tax evasion, assault.

"Shindo Ainosuke: Former politician. Criminal record including; theft, tax evasion, assault, money laundering, traffic violations, DUI, Fraud.

"Kikuchi Tadashi: assistant to Shindo Ainosuke. Criminal record; possession of a weapon, associated with other crimes but never convicted." Her voice robotically supplied.

"Do you three think I don't do research on who I let into this building? Your phoney names gave you away for too easily and I honestly thought I would have more of a challenge with trying to find your actual identities but that didn't take very long either," Kaoru explained as he got up from where he was sitting and carefully adjusted his dark gray yukata. "So you three try and get me to sign over my fortune just like that? I expected more out of you three," he rounds his table and pulls out his fan from his sash and carefully tilts Tadashi’s head over. The green eyed man was always looking at the ground.

"Especially you, thought you were smarter since the brains has to come from one of you," Kaoru hummed. He countinued to walk past them. Tapping Kojiro and Ainosuke on the cheek with his fan not too gently.

"So what do you want us to do?" Kojiro asked.

"I just said I want you three gone? No need to work for me—"

"No. We will stay and work," Ainosuke agreed and stifled his grin into a polite smile. Kaoru’s eyes narrowed before he realized what they were up to.

"Ah. You still wish to steal from me? Okay fine. You three may work for me, but if you don't con me from my wealth by the time you have worked off the money you owe then I want all three of you gone and if you arent then I will make you three disappear got it?" Kaoru asked with a polite smile.

"Understood," Kojiro and Ainosuke replied.

"Understood," Tadashi agreed in a much softer voice.

"Wonderful," Kaoru hummed.

•••••

"What are we doing here?" Kojiro asked. They were at a school to be precise. An elementary school.

"Babysitting," Kaoru informed. "I godfather three children and if any of you touch a hair on their heads I will kill you," Kaoru’s voice deepened slightly.

"Why do we have to be here?" Ainosuke clarified Kojiro’s earlier question.

"Because you dimwitted fools insist on following me around."

"I meant at the school," Ainosuke clarified.

"Because they wanted to be picked up today," was all the explanation the three men recieved before Kaoru took a step forward when two boys came shooting out of the building with a third trailing behind and demanding that they slow down.

They make an effort to bulldoze Kaoru down by hugging him and Kaoru simply holds them close and leaves space for the third.

"Kaoru! Kaoru! Kaoru! Can we get ice cream today? Pleeeease!" The red haired one whined and clutched onto the fabric of Kaoru’s yukata as the third boy finally joins them in their puppy-dog-eyed begging.

"I suppose that would be okay," Kaoru said and gently ruffled the red haired boys hair.

"Mutts, introduce yourselves," Kaoru said and turned to the three older men with a very serious expression. They weren't sure if they should be using false names or not, but they supposed Kaoru would have mentioned a preference if he had one. Besides if they swapped between the two it was only a matter of time before a fuck up occurred.

"Nanjo Kojiro," the green haired male grumbled and nodded in their direction.

"Oh uh, Tadashi," the black haired male gave a friendly smile.

Ainosuke rolled his eyes before he kneeled down to he eye level with them and extended a hand. "Shindo Ainosuke, but if that is a mouthful then just Adam is fine," he said with a smile.

Kaoru smiled slightly when the three boys eagerly went to shake Adam’s hand. "Take notes," Kaoru mentioned and it was clearly directed at Tadashi and Kojiro. "You three, don't be rude," he tacked on.

"I'm Reki! This is Langa and Miya!" The red haired boy performed introductions for them and pointed to the blue haired boy and then the black haired boy.

Well Kojiro certainly couldn't let himself be one upped by Ainosuke of all people.

"Well aren't you three cute—"

"I am not cute you asshole—"

Miya's cussing was cut off with a smack to the back of his head with Kaoru’s fan. "Should I tell your mother about your mouth?" He asked and watched Miya's face quickly morph to some sort of fear before he spouted out apologies. "No harm done, he is a gorilla after all. Let's just get going," Kaoru said and ended up having to hold Miya and Langa's hands as Reki skipped ahead.

"So we are actually doing this," Kojiro muttered.

"I'm not sure what you two expected from this," Tadashi muttered and began to follow along. Keeping his distance as they were instructed to even if Kojiro and Ainosuke never listened to instructions.

They ended up getting ice-cream. Well the kids did and Kaoru got a smoothie. After that was the park where it was found out that Kaoru couldn't really play tag in traditional attire and instead made the other three pick up the slack for it. Turns out Tadashi wasn't a very fast runner and Kojiro was a lot better with kids then initially suspected.

"Damn con artists," Kaoru muttered from his spot on the bench.

They spent the day running around, well everyone but Kaoru ran around, until eventually the sun was going down and Miya was curled up in Kaoru’s lap.

"Okay let's head home," Kaoru eventually decided and lifted Miya up as he got up.

"I want to be carried, my legs are tired and I'm hungry and I think I'll starve!" Langa whined dramatically.

"Oh you are fine, besides I can't carry both of you at the same time," Kaoru mentioned. "And your mothers have food at home."

Either way Langa looked to the next most reasonable option before whispering to Reki briefly and soon they were both trying to get onto Kojiro’s back who huffed and stumbled forward.

"Hey you-"

"Nanjo, watch yourself," Kaoru mentioned as he walked.

Kojiro rolled his eyes and gently adjusted the kids and soon had both of them hanging onto his back with his arms holding their legs. It was uncomfortable as hell but they seemed happy.

Kaoru insisted on walking each of them all the way home so it took awhile but eventually they had every kid dropped off.

"Well two out of three of you did well today," Kaoru mentioned.

"Oh such high praise, and which one of us blundered," Ainosuke asked sarcastically.

Kaoru pivoted to turn around and began to head towards the three before he grabbed Tadashi by his jacket and tugged him forward. He reached into his jacket and pressed a hand against his chest before searching around and pulling a small hand gun out. Tadashi seemed relatively unfazed the entire time even as the other two watched. "Kikuchi? If you ever bring a weapon around my family ever again I'll make sure that it is the last time you ever have the honour of being around them," Kaoru whispered dangerously low before he put the gun back and adjusted Tadashi’s jacket to fix him back up into his pristine condition.

"When did you notice?" Kojiro asked. The tone of his voice gave way that he supposedly was unaware of this.

"At the park. You can't do that much running around and expect me not to notice. Miya pointed it out though," Kaoru explained and turned to countinue walking.

"You three are my dogs, bound to me until you can prove to be intellectually superior or work off your debt. Now you do as your master commands you and not bring weapons around my loved ones. Do we understand each other?" Kaoru asked and tilted his head to look back at them.

"Understood," each spoke with varying degrees of frustration or anger in their tone. Ainosuke with gritted teeth, Kojiro with a fake smile, and Tadashi as blank as always.

"I'm glad we understand eachother my pets," Kaoru turned and countinued down the sidewalk. Pink hair swishing gently behind him and the fabric of his clothing swishing with each step and each breeze that passed by as the sun set in ground of him and highlighted the edges of Kaoru’s figure.

They followed after him anyway, for they were the dogs and he was indeed their master.

They had the contract to prove it.

[hannie-dul-set]

who in svt would agree to rob someone's house with you

first of all, stealing is a crime what the hell. second of all— be sure to be strapped with the right equipment, wear dark clothing, and make sure that the person you're stealing from is a rich, privileged, capitalist bastard that deserves to get all their belongings stripped from them <3 have fun!!

seungcheol: "cheol, wanna rob a h—" sirens ring, people (seungcheol) start(s) screaming, and all of a sudden you're locked up in a room. i'm sorry but mr. choi will NOT tolerate nor condone any behavior of such. you're behind bars now, criminal "cheol this is your bathroo—" BEHIND BARS SHUT UP. he'll let you out after maybe 15 minutes because he'd start to feel bad that you're locked in there and will lock himself up instead cause of the guilt </3 | rating: 2/10 if you like getting locked up/handcuffed you nasty.

jeonghan: dude can get away with extortion, dude can get away with tax evasion, dude can get away with MURDER you think he'd get his hands dirty for something so small such as robbery? psh, alright fine since you asked. you're like "uh, han where did you get these grappling hooks?? and ski masks??" and he's like shh a magician never reveals his secret now help me break open this window | rating: 8/10 only because he'd throw you under the bus if you get caught lmao good luck playing with fire.

joshua: "no ❤" he'd gently decline, but he wouldn't stop you. he'd even volunteer to bail you out if you get caught awh how sweet <33 shua doesn't want to get involved in any of your fiendish tendencies, he has a gentleman persona he has to keep up and you won't get him to commmit theft no matter HOW tempting and fun you make it out to be. you're like "but josh, i'm robbing jeonghan" and he'd be like SWEATS "uh,, give me some time to think" | rating: 5/10 he ends up agreeing to rob jeonghan and you both end up getting caught but at least you're caught together!

junhui: he'd be like "oh yeah sure sounds fun" dismissively. but when you pull up in front of his house, rope in hand, dressed in black and everything he's like "OH,, right i forgot—" and you're like DAMMIT junhui but he still comes with you anyway. you ultimately regret your decision because the entire time he's like "what do we now? what's the hammer for? wait what exactly are we gonna steal?" and you're THIS close to committing murder, instead | rating: 5/10 because participation points.

soonyoung: in theory, he's ALL FOR IT like he would be so excited and enthusiastic he has an entire 47 step plan of absolute mastermind genius and he's like "this is FOOLPROOF we're gonna steal like thieves 😎" and you're like "soonyoung we ARE thieves". but in practice, uh. he's excited right. too excited. okay maybe OVER excited because holy fuck he's acting like this 007 agent or whatever. he ends up squealing cause wow!! i'm so badass!!! and you end up getting the cops on you rip | rating: 7/10 because the police chase is a whole 'nother story to unfold.

wonwoo: "alright, here's what you're gonna do—" the dude has read so much crime novels that he knows EXACTLY where you should enter, what you should bring, how to escape, where you should snack in case you get hungry but the thing is, he is NOT coming with you lmao. he's not dumb enough to risk it, sorry y/n <3 make sure to give him at least 50% of what you got though, he isn't giving this knowledge for free | rating: 6/10 because his tips were actually helpful but you had to do all the work so fuck you wonwoo i'm robbing you next.

jihoon: he would be helpful like REALLY helpful but hoonie doesn't want to </3 "oh? you wanna be a criminal? good luck i guess?" proceeds to delete you from his contacts because he doesn't want to have connections with a thief rip. but maybe if you're like "jihoon pls i have negative dollars in my bank account you're anti-poor if you don't help me" and he'd be like "that's it??? here bitch eat" then he'd throw money at you like it's nothing and it IS nothing because jihoon rich | rating: technically a 1/10 but is it really a loss if you got cash.

minghao: i don't know how to tell you this but minghao is the exact guy i would steal from and he'd probably let you so | rating: invalid. everyone let's eat the rich and we're starting with hao <3

mingyu: oh no. oh nono sweetie what are you getting yourself into this is a bad idea but if you're one for bad ideas then alright. he'd be too scared to actually rob the place so he just volunteers to be your lookout!! that would be good right? no risk that he'd break something while you're sleuthing?? right?? WRONG like i said he's nervous bcs omg what if i get caught?? WHO'S GONNA FEED BOBPUL??? he'd panic, blowing your cover and oops you're at the police station now | rating: 4/10 you didn't get to steal anything but his spider legs managed to get you guys away.

seokmin: ....why? he'd try to convince you not to like he will CRY just so you won't actually do it because why would you want to steal? :< normally you'd just say nevermind!!! i won't steal ahaha that was a joke yes a joke. but if you're a DEMON and would actually push through it, expect a million calls and texts from seokmin as you're trying to rob. it would be sweet because awh kyeom is worried <3 but it's all heart eyes and uwuwu's until aju nice starts blaring from your phone for the 37th time that night | rating: 0/10 infinite aju nice can't save you this time.

seungkwan: well he won't necessarily agree to help you. he's just there to watch you in case things go wrong because that's a free show, ladies and gents!! you're like "kwan, help me climb up this window" and he's like lol. good luck. victory is fruitless without a struggle <33 you end up breaking a vase?? hilarious. you can't find the keys to the door? lmao what a loser? the house owner is actually your ex and you're trying to get revenge? oh my god WHERE is the popcorn | rating: 3/10 because he has everything on tape and yeah it was pretty entertaining.

vernon: he's down. absolutely. just tell him what to do and he'd to it with flawless execution. a clean robery not even sherlock holmes can tell that you broke in. suddenly it became a regular thing between the both of you and would you look at that!! robin hood duo on the rise in town— says the local paper. what's this? you two have fans now? damn looks like stealing was the way to go, after all | rating: 10/10 rob. help the poor. publicity. rich and famous.

chan: veryyy hesitant at first but you manage to coax him into it by saying that this will probably end up in the news and he's like "news??? i'll be on the news??? nEWSHSHSJSJ??" and you're like "yeah but let's make sure to keep our names out of that alright" and so he agrees. you two are ambitious so you rob a fucking mansion with state of the art security but no technology can beat a lee chan who wants to go down in history | rating: 9/10 minus one point because you two were too good and there was no entertainment value </3

[razieltwelve]

Overextension (Final Rose x Game of Thrones)

If there was one thing that Tyrion had learned in all of his games of Cyvasse against his nephew, it was the importance of not overextending. Edward was an absolute master of feigning weakness to disguise strength. Of course, what made that style of play so obnoxious was that Tyrion could never be sure when to press his advantage more sharply and when to simply nurse his lead into the endgame.

As Edward had so aptly put it: “You feel like you’re winning... right up until you aren’t.”

For weeks, Tyrion had compiled evidence that a certain Lord Petyr Baelish had been launching attacks on their businesses using a variety of means, most of them rooted in the man’s dealings in the city’s underworld. Most of these attacks had been too pitiful to truly care about, the sort of posturing that Tyrion would have expected of any ambitious lord with designs on the city’s underworld.

However, the man’s purchase of more and more brothels combined with his moves into smuggling, tax evasion, and other fraud meant that he was no longer a problem that could be ignored. It was a simple fact that a great many highborn folk frequented brothels, which meant they were prime sources of information. Since Tyrion was not an idiot, he could see the danger in letting Lord Baelish control so many such establishments.

Furthermore, the tax evasion, fraud, smuggling, and standover rackets that the man was running were beginning to have a noticeable and growing impact on businesses throughout the capital, both legal and illegal. It had gotten to the point that both Tyrion and Edward agreed that the man needed to be dealt with. of course, their exact method was still something they were discussing.

Until now.

Why only until now?

Because Tyrion was currently standing behind Deron as Ser Bronn, Markel, and Jerod fought off a band of would-be assassins in one of the seedier parts of King’s Landing. Tyrion’s lips curled. To think he’d come down here to check on some of his informants only to find them dead and these men waiting for him.

“Stay back,” Deron warned as he palmed another pair of knives. The motion was so smooth and swift that Tyrion only noticed what he’d done when the knives were already in motion, whistling through the air to bury themselves in a pair of throats. Just as quickly, another pair replaced them, and the lean man’s eyes were once more scanning the battle for another opportunity. “Your nephew would gut us all if something happened to you.”

“Yes, he would be most aggravated if I got stabbed.” Tyrion had drawn his own dagger, not that he wanted to use it. No, he’d leave the fighting to those best suited for it - and these four were most definitely suited to it.

Bronn was a blur of motion, mixing expert swordplay with the sort of roughhousing, underhanded tactics that spoke volumes of his experience. He blocked one strike and drove his knee into his opponent’s groin. As the other man crumpled, he brought the pommel of his sword down on the back of his head with skull-cracking force. A second man tried to rush him, but Bronn simply stepped to the side and drew a knife with his off hand. He drove the weapon into his opponent’s side, and the assassin gave a wheezing, shocked gasp before stumbling and collapsing against the wall of a nearby building.

The twins, Jerod and Markel fought together. Their swords rose and fell with less grace than Bronn’s, but there was a ruthless efficiency to the butchery they dealt out. The two of them fought side by side, their movements perfectly synchronised as they pushed their opponents back, switching seamlessly from one assassin to the other until they forced openings they could take advantage of. All the while, Deron hung back, keeping himself between Tyrion and the assassins, his knives lancing through the air whenever one of their opponents dropped their guard.

With a final blow from Bronn, it was all but over. Only a single assassin remained. He turned to run, but a knife caught him in the leg, and he dropped to the ground. Bronn gave Deron a grateful nod and then ambled over to the downed man, kicking him brutally in the side before turning him over and landing a punch that rattled his teeth. 

“Now,” Bronn growled, tossing aside the dagger the man had tried to pull and driving his fist into his gut. “We can do this the easy way or the hard way.”

To the man’s credit, he didn’t choose the easy option, but although Bronn wasn’t the most persuasive man in the world, Deron could be exceedingly persuasive with his knives. Tyrion gulped and looked away as Deron got to work. That left him with Jerod and Markel since Bronn was the one asking the questions.

“I’ll bet a week’s pay it was Baelish,” Jerod grumbled.

Markel nodded but didn’t say a word. In fact, Tyrion had never heard him speak although the other three somehow seemed to know what he was thinking. 

“Most likely,” Tyrion murmured. “No one else has both the cause and the means to kill my informants and then try to kill me.” He nodded at the twins. “And, by the way, my thanks for dealing with those assassins.”

Jerod’s lips twitched. “We’re men of House Baratheon now, and we serve your nephew. He said to keep you in one piece, so we’ll keep you that way by hook or by crook.” He chuckled. “And you’re not a bad sort either, my lord.”

“I’m glad you think so.” Tyrion shuddered as the assassin’s screaming trailed off. “It sounds like they might be finished.”

“Aye.” Bronn walked over. “It was Baelish, all right. He wanted your informants to turn their coats. They refused. He had these bastards torture them and kill them before having them wait for you.”

“I’ll see that their families are compensated,” Tyrion replied. “Loyalty should be rewarded... and avenged.”

“Aye,” Bronn muttered. “Baelish must have lost his damn mind. By going after you like this, he’s opened himself up to the same.” 

“He’s underestimating us,” Tyrion replied. “He thinks he knows what we’re capable of, so he thinks he’s ahead when he’s not.” His eyes narrowed. “This is an overextension, and he’s going to pay for it.”

X     X     X

Petyr Baelish was not pleased that his attempt to deal with Tyrion Lannister had failed. Those assassins had been amongst his finest, but they’d evidently been no match for the dwarf’s protectors. His lips curled. Perhaps Ser Bronn was more than some upstart mercenary who’d somehow bought himself a knighthood.

Oh well.

He controlled the brothels, and he was making inroads on the docks, to say nothing of his other schemes. The money was pouring in, and money made the world go round. Of course, money wasn’t the only thing in the world that he enjoyed. His gaze drifted to the woman who was a pale shadow of the lady he truly loved.

“Come here,” he murmured. “Catelyn.” It wasn’t her name, of course, but he could pretend, at least for a while.

He might have been a bit rougher than he intended, but a man had needs, and his frustration at his failed plan might have gotten the better of him. Still, when he closed his eyes, it was with a smile on his face. Soon... soon he’d have the money and power to put his real plans in motion. Little Finger? It was supposed to be an insult, but he’d always considered it motivation.

It wouldn’t be long before people stopped mocking him and started bowing instead.

X     X     X

When Petyr Baelish woke, it was to find himself in a room with five other men.

“Hello,” Tyrion Lannister drawled. 

Petyr scrambled for the dagger he always kept nearby when he visited this establishment, only to find it gone. Of course. Behind Tyrion, a lean man held the dagger up and smiled. It was not a nice smile.

“Nice dagger,” the man said, handling it with the skill of an expert. “I’ll hang onto it.”

“You can have it and more,” Petyr said. “If -”

“We’re not the sort of men your coin can buy, Baelish,” the man said. 

“Indeed,” Tyrion added. “These men are amongst the most loyal I can call upon.” He gestured and the man Petyr knew to be Ser Bronn walked over to stand beside the bed. Petyr was torn between trying to keep his eyes on him and watching the twins who lurked nearby as well. “You know, I was perfectly content to wage war against you in a matter fitting our respective positions. After all, we’re both men of noble standing. There was no need for our... squabbles to get so bloody. But you killed my informants, men and women sworn to me. That was your first mistake. As for your second mistake, that would be trying to kill me.”

“Yes,” Petyr said. “I might have gotten carried away there.” He looked at the door. He’d owned this establishment for years. Where were his guards? Where were his people? “But perhaps we could reach an accomodation. Payment, perhaps, for damages.”

Tyrion followed his gaze. “If you’re wondering where your people are, they won’t be coming. They’re our people now.” Tyrion chuckled, and Petyr would have tried to wipe the smirk off his lips if he hadn’t been outnumbered five to one. “You see, when people are only loyal to you because of money, all it takes is more money to have them switch sides.” His lips curled. “You’ve been a naughty boy, Petyr. The woman who runs this place? She hates your guts. And the guards? Underpaid and treated poorly.”

“What?” Petyr growled. “I raised her out of the gutter. The only reason she isn’t some common street whore is because of me!”

“Ah, right. Well, Amara is a woman of ambition, Petyr. You might have picked her up off the street, but she’s put her time to good use. She’s learned what she and her girls could be earning if you weren’t taking such a large slice of the profits, and she’s learned about what sort of enemies you’re making.” Tyrion shook his head. “There’s a saying in the Stormlands, Petyr. Only an idiot stands in the path of a storm. Well, the storm is coming, and she has no intention of being an idiot.”

“You can’t kill me,” Petyr growled. He prided himself on his quick wits, but they’d caught him off guard and flatfooted. This place was in the heart of his territory. it was supposed to be safe.

“Your third mistake, Petyr was underestimating both me... and my nephew.”

“The prince?” Petyr scoffed. “A talented boy, to be sure, but naive.”

Tyrion laughed. He actually laughed. “Oh, you poor fool. You think I run everything?”

“You don’t?” And now Petyr was worried. His informants, the information he’d paid so richly to acquire, all of it had suggested that Tyrion was closely intertwined with both legitimate and illegitimate businesses in the city.

“I’m technically the second-in-command of the most powerful merchanting group in the seven kingdoms. My nephew is the one in charge.”

Petyr’s stomach clenched. “He’s a figurehead, nothing more.”

“That’s what he wants people to think. But the ones who know him, truly know him, understand that he is more than a mere figurehead. Most of the ideas, plots, and plans are his. Me? I come up with my fair share, but a lot of what I do is ensuring that my nephew’s visions come to fruition. After all, he can’t do everything himself, and he does have to keep up appearances.” Tyrion grinned. “You made a lot of enemies rising to the top, Petyr. Too many enemies, I’d say. It wasn’t hard for us to find those enemies, as well as a great many disgruntled... employees.”

Petyr’s fists clenched. “What are you going to do?”

“Now, there’s a part of me that thinks we should just let you go. After all, you are a nobleman. Killing you would set a bad precedent. But... you did try to kill me, and that is not something that can be forgiven. Your death will also give my nephew a wonderful excuse to start reforming the gold cloaks.” Tyrion’s smile turned cold. “Yes, we know how many of them are taking your coin, and it’s not something we can tolerate any longer. Your death will simply provide us with an example of how badly the gold cloaks have failed and how desperately reform is needed.”

Petyr’s blood was cold now, like ice.

“Some of your former associates turned over records... records that will be found shortly after your death.” Tyrion sighed dramatically. “Such a pity, Lord Baelish. You were on your way home from a house of ill repute when some of your business partners decided to decided to have you killed to increase their slice of the profits. Naturally, the gold cloaks won’t be able to capture the culprits, which will make them look quite horrible. After all, you’re a childhood friend to Lady Catelyn Stark and Lady Lysa Arryn. How disgraceful that your murderers should escape unharmed.”

“You can’t do this.”

“We can, and we will.” Tyrion nodded. “Bronn, let’s get this over with.”

X     X     X

“It’s a disgrace,” Robert thundered. Beneath the king’s fury, Janos Slynt cowered. Edward almost felt bad for the man since what had happened to Petyr Baelish wasn’t exactly his fault. “You’ve had more than a week, and you’ve turned up nothing?”

“Your Grace,” Janos simpered. “My men and I -”

“You and your men are utter failures!” the words came from the Hand of the King himself, Lord Jon Arryn. “Petyr was one of my bannermen, and he was like a brother to my wife and her sister.”

“I -”

“Silence!” Robert boomed. His hand twitched, and Edward had a feeling that if his father had his war hammer within reach, Janos would be missing his head... and most of his torso. “I’ve put up with your stupidity until now despite Jon’s opinion because I was worried that whoever we replaced you with might be worse, but now?” He lowered his voice, and Edward winced. Unless his nose was mistaken, Janos had just soiled himself. “You have a week. Seven days. If you can’t bring Baelish’s murderers to me before then, I’ll have you banished from the city.”

“Your Grace, please -”

“A week!” Robert snarled, eyes flashing with rage. “And by all the gods, man, if you dare come before me with nothing at all, I’ll have your head mounted on the wall on a damn pike!”

As Janos scuttled off. Robert sighed and turned to Jon. “I’m sorry,” he rumbled. “You were right. We should have replaced him sooner.”

“Aye,” Jon said. “But you were right to an extent... we weren’t exactly drowning in suitable candidates earlier.”

“The city guard,” Robert shook his head in disgust. “They couldn’t guard a bloody brothel.” He rapped his knuckles on the arm of his chair. “Whether he succeeds or not, we have to replace him and many others besides. What we found out about Baelish...”

Jon covered his face with his hands. “I thought I knew the boy. He was always a good lad. To be so involved in such... dealings. I do wonder if what happened to him with Brandon Stark changed him. Still... I’ll not have his death go unavenged. Lysa was distraught, and I’m sure Catelyn will be too when she finds out. They were close when they were younger although they drifted apart with time.”

“Boy.” Edward met his father’s gaze evenly. “I know you’ve been gathering... reliable men. You struck gold with Ser Bronn and the others. I might be crazy for asking this, but have you anyone in mind that might be able to run the damn gold cloaks?”

Edward smiled. “Oh, I might have someone in mind, father. Let me get back to you in... a week or so.”

X    X     X

Later that night, Edward made his way toward his secret meeting with a spring in his step. Beside him, his uncle raised one eyebrow.

“Is there a reason you waited for my shift to go on this meeting?” Jaime asked.

“Oh, yes. Ser Barristan is a good man, one of the best in all the kingdoms, but he’s not exactly fond of skulduggery and treachery.”

Jaime’s lips twitched. “No, nephew, he is not.” He frowned. “Does this have anything to do with what happened to Tyrion?” His lips curled. “And thank you for having your men watch out for him. Tyrion might be clever, but he’s not much good with a sword.”

“Which is exactly why he never goes out without at least two reliable men.” Edward and Jaime were both quite fond of Tyrion and both equally worried about how easy it would be to kill him if he was caught alone. Despite his keen wits, Tyrion was not, by any means, a gifted fighter. Jaime, on the other hand, could fight a dozen men and come out with nary a scratch if he had a sword in hand. “As for your other question, yes and no. The two men we’ll be meeting today will guarantee that the gold cloaks come under the control of a reliable man who just so happens to be loyal to me.”

“You might look just like your father,” Jaime said fondly. “But you remind me a lot of Tyrion when you speak like that.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Edward nodded at the door ahead of them. “Shall we?”

Inside, Oberyn Martell and Sandor Clegane went from glaring at each other to glaring at him.

“Good evening, gentlemen.” Edward sat at the third spot at the table while Jaime did his best to disguise his surprise as he moved to stand behind him. “Shall we get down to business?”

Oberyn scowled at Jaime who returned the expression with equal fervour. “I would not be here if you had not been so... vigorous in expressing your desire to help me with a certain problem.”

“A problem?” Sandor snorted. “I’m here, Your Highness, because you promised to give me a chance to kill my brother.”

“Aye,” Edward said, biting back a chuckle at Jaime’s gasp. “You’re both correct.” His gaze shifted to Oberyn. Now, this was not a man he wanted as his enemy. Clever, cunning, and deadly with a spear, to say nothing of the backing he enjoyed courtesy of his family. “You want Amory Lorch and Gregor Clegane dead. I want peace between our Houses.”

Oberyn took a deep breath. “The two... beasts you speak of are loyal banner men to your grandfather. You would give them to me?”

“For peace between our Houses? Yes.” Edward could feel the confusion and bewilderment coming from his uncle but pressed on. “What happened to your sister... Prince Oberyn, it was lunacy. Had I been in my grandfather’s place, I would have ordered her captured unharmed along with her children. I would have ransomed them back to you for a princely sum under the condition that neither she nor her children ever leave Dorne again.”

Oberyn’s fists clenched. “We would have paid any sum you asked.”

“Instead,” Edward continued. “My grandfather... well, I cannot say for certain if he ordered them killed or simply turned a blind eye to what went on. And even if he didn’t give an order to have her killed, he should have ordered her spared if he was going to send beasts like Amory and Gregor there.” He didn’t look at Jaime, but his next words were for him all the same. “You know I speak the truth, uncle. You were part of the Kingsguard then. Elia did not deserve that fate, nor did her children.”

“No,” Jaime murmured, and Edward could hear the grief in his voice. From what little he’d said of her, Elia had always been kind to him. “They did not.”

“And what good did the murders of her and her children bring us?” Edward said, raising one hand and staring into his empty palm. “Nothing. After all, there are still two Targaryens alive, so killing the children hardly ended the bloodline, and Elia? By all the gods, what stupidity. Dorne is one of the seven kingdoms, and it has shown its worth in battle many times.” His gaze shifted to Oberyn. “I am not stupid. Dorne obeys, but I’ve no doubt that it is only grudgingly.”

Oberyn nodded. “You can hardly blame us, can you?”

“No. My grandfather should have offered you the heads of Amory and Gregor years ago. Instead, he did not because they were his banner men and he did not wish to look weak.” Edward scowled. “I doubt anyone would ever think the man who brought about the Rains of Castamere weak, and antagonising an entire kingdom is hardly the wisest thing to do.”

“And you intend to rectify his mistake?” Oberyn asked.

“I do.” Edward folded his hands together. “My mother the queen intends to take a trip to visit her father. I will request that certain banner men be sent to attend her. Amory and Gregor will be amongst them. That is how I will draw them out. They will have to come here to King’s Landing to escort her.”

Oberyn pursed his lips. “And you could guarantee a chance?”

"King’s Landing is a dangerous place.” Edward’s lips curled. “Why, only last week a lord was killed. Who’s to say something can’t also happens to those two?”

“I see.” Oberyn nodded. “And I have you word, Your Highness?”

“You have my most solemn vow, not only as a Baratheon but as the future king of the Seven Kingdoms.” Edward inclined his head. “What was done to your sister and her children was monstrous. Let us put an end to the enmity between our Houses and rid the world of the filth responsible at the same time.”

“Very well,” Oberyn said. “But what is he doing here?” He looked at Sandor.

“Oh, you have no idea what my brother has done to me,” Sandor growled. “But I’ve more reason than most to want him dead.” He turned to Edward. “You help me kill him, and I’ll serve you for the rest of my days. It’s all I’ve ever wanted since I was a child... to see that bastard dead for what he did.”

“Good.” Edward smiled. “Then we have an accord. I’ll let you two decide exactly how you want to kill them, but let me know once you come up with a plan, and I’ll take steps to make sure it will work.”

Later, as they walked back to his chambers, Jaime spoke.

“You’re going to use the deaths of Lorch and Clegane to make the gold cloaks look even worse, aren’t you?”

“Oh, yes.” Edward said. “The gold cloaks are an absolute disgrace. If there is going to be a city guard, I want it to be competent and under the control of a man whose only loyalty is to me and my family... a man who can do what needs to be done but who, at his core, is a decent fellow.” He grinned. “Sandor should do quite nicely, I think. And he’ll be a lord too, after his brother meets his end. He’ll be perfectly suitable.”

X    X     X

Author’s Notes

The scheming continues. Edward (Diana) isn’t a vicious person most of the time, but go after people she cares about, like Tyrion, and the gloves come off. As for the scheming Edward had going on, he has identified the corruption in King’s Landing, particularly the gold cloaks as a huge weakness, so he’s going to deal with it.

Removing Janos and replacing him with Sandor ensures that the gold cloaks are not only loyal to him and his family but will soon be whipped into shape since Sandor will not tolerate that sort of stupidity and incompetence. Moreover, combined with the removal of Baelish, it gives Edward effective control over both law enforcement and the underworld.

You can bet that Alera’s (Jahne’s) agents in King’s Landing are going to have a lot of interesting things to tell her. She’ll know there’s another player in the game, one as skilled as she is. Also, in case it isn’t clear, these snippet aren’t necessarily in chronological order.

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