#crowley x mrs sandwich

[hg-aneh]

crimis doodles that turned into a story by accident

[goodomens-girlie]

I actually need Mrs. Sandwich and Crowley to be besties in s3

[servantserah]

Crêpes part 15

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I'm with Maggie lol. Let's see how Crowley is doing after a little time skip! Scripting and drawing this part reminded me how much I hate juggling so many characters at once. It's 100% why I usually only draw two characters max,.... I do love Mrs Sandwhich, I need to draw her and Crowley bonding more; I feel like they could be besties.

ℹ️ You can find a guide with all my Good Omens AUs and comics >>here<<!

[vidavalor]

Odegra and The Language of The Dark Priesthood of Ancient Mu

Let's decode Disco Tony's hilarious work presentation. On the known history of The Dark Priesthood of Ancient Mu under the cut.

Right, so, a few of you have requested word nerdery on the Odegra scene so here we go... For a refresher, here's the dialogue with the wordplay-significant bits that we'll look at bolded:

Crowley: So, thanks to three computer hacks, selected bribery, and me moving some markers across a field one night, the M25 London Orbital Motorway, which was supposed to look like this, will, when it opens in 1986, actually look like this [shows a terrible picture of, more or less, the same thing lol] and represent the dread sigil 'Odegra' in the language of The Dark Priesthood of Ancient Mu. 'Odegra' means 'Hail the Great Beast, Devourer of Worlds.' Can I hear a wahoo?

[Some of the demons have enough energy to half-boo; most just continue to sit there looking miserable. Of all of them, only Beez looks like they might be getting how bullshit this all is and, either way, they still have no idea what Crowley is actually saying and really couldn't care less.]

Crowley: Once it's built, the millions of motorists who grumble their way around it are going to be like water on a prayer wheel grinding out an endless fog of low-grade evil that will encircle the whole of London. [Hastur raises his hand with a question.] Yes, Duke Hastur?

Hastur: What's a computer?

---

A lot of the humor of the scene comes from the fact that, unlike the demons, we know that a word as short as 'Odegra' cannot possibly mean something as long as 'Hail The Great Beast, Devourer of Worlds'... and 'Odegra' isn't a word familiar to many of us in the first place, adding to the feeling that Crowley is b.s.-ing the demons. The scene ending with Hastur asking for a definition of 'computer'-- basically, the first word Crowley said in what we see of the presentation lol-- exists as the punchline to the presentation and the scene as a whole, showing us that Crowley is correct in believing that there is no one in the room who can really tell that he's playing them.

Still, we know that language is a big thing on Good Omens (and that's an understatement) and Crowley is saying something... so, can we use the rules of Ineffable Husbands Speak that we've been looking at to figure out what, exactly, Crowley might be saying? Seems we can and, as you'll see, when we do, it becomes apparent very quickly that this presentation to Hell about the highway that Crowley describes as a demonically evil masterpiece exhibiting reverence to Satan and all things satanic is actually about Aziraphale and their world together and Crowley is getting a kick out of watching that fly over the heads of his audience. Crowley definitely performed this presentation for Aziraphale at some point, though (maybe rehearsed it a la Aziraphale's magic show?). Aziraphale enjoyed it a great deal more than the demons of Hell did, since it was written to amuse him.

Odegra: Odegra, a word that doesn't exactly exist in this form... but that Crowley didn't entirely make up either. Professional midwife that he is, Crowley used rules of human language to birth it into existence from a pre-existing word. If odegra did exist (and, honestly, Crowley using it and it being in Good Omens means it now does exist in both his and our worlds), it would be derived from the only word like it that does exist-- the Polish odegrac. What's hilarious is that odegrac means... to get one over on someone (not kidding lol)... as well as: to put on a performance and to play act a role.

So, the word Crowley is claiming means something in an ancient human language that doesn't exist is actually a word he made up that is of a word that does exist... and that word means to fool someone, to put on a performance, and to act a part. That is both how Crowley performs "demonicness"-- with the Odegra scene itself a perfect example-- and also how Crowley and Aziraphale behave performatively together in public to fool Heaven and Hell and hide their relationship.

Additionally, performance and act are words that can be, on another level, sexually euphemistic, and Crowley and Aziraphale both use act in that way in the Chateauneuf-de-Pape scene of The Blitz, Part 2. It somehow gets even better, though, because hiding their relationship is not the only reason why they have a secret language. Another way Odegra can also be defined gets into that and that's when we take into account how their wordplay is big on the words contained within words-- something used not just in their language but in the show itself, beginning with, as we've looked at in other metas, its opening shot of the word 'war' within the word 'warning'.

Odegra contains ode and gra. An ode is a lyrical poem and a poem is wordplay. Odes are specifically written in tribute to someone or something. That is what they're doing when they use their secret birdsong and why they use it when alone in addition to in public; its born both out of the need to be able to speak to one another in a coded way when they might be overheard and out of flirtation and combines the two. One of the most famous odes in existence is Keats' "Ode to a Nightingale," which is also a word that we have seen that they use as shorthand for their language and for how they feel about each other.

As for the gra part of Odegra? It's a Polish word for game (as in, to play a game... like, say, a wordplay game.) But, also...

...gra is an Irish word for love.

Odegra, in Ineffable Husbands Speak, actually means secret love language.

Some demons torture and murder-- Crowley hijacks plans for Freeways of Love out of transportation-related innuendo amusement, remakes them into a soppy apple-heart-looking thing for his boyfriend, and passes them off as an evil work assignment, ok? 😂

The M25 in image forms "the dread (a subtle suggestion for the demons in there *snicker*) sigil Odegra in the language of The Dark Priesthood of Ancient Mu" aka Nightingale Speak/Odegra/Whatever They Actually Call It, if they call it anything at all... what we've been calling Ineffable Husbands Speak. For why Crowley is jokingly referring to their secret language in this way, let's start with Mu...

If, in the GO universe, dinosaurs basically don't exist and The Earth is only a little over 6,000 years old, it's doubtful that there's anything to the Lost Continent of Atlantis, sometimes referred to as Mu or Lemuria. Crowley would know, since he's been on Earth since The Beginning and, since he's trolling the demons with this presentation, he's likely pretending that Mu existed, knowing that the demons won't know the difference.

When referring to The Lost Continent idea, Mu comes from Lemuria, which is what the theorized continent was named because it derived as a way of trying to explain fossils of lemurs that were found in spots people didn't think fit with what they knew of history at the time. All of this was discredited scientifically prior to when Crowley is making the presentation but Lemuria is popular with occultists. It sounded satanic to reference it in the presentation, which is probably how Crowley arrived at using it-- but it seems he really did for the demonicness on the surface but for its other meaning on a hidden language level. Mu/Lemuria/Atlantis is not the only definition of Mu and it's really the other one that Crowley is referencing. The Ancient Mu to whom Crowley is really referring is him and Aziraphale-- extremely old beings with a fondness for the other Mu-- the Greek letter that became what we now call today the letter M.

Mu evolved from the ancient Egyptian hieroglyph meaning water and, then, the Phoenician word for water. Anything related to water/the sea/fish, etc.., as we've looked at before, is a sexual metaphor and related to orgasm in Ineffable Husbands Speak, rooted in Aziraphale using oysters euphemistically to ask Crowley to bed for the first time in ancient Rome. The ancient Greeks eventually turned Mu into the letter M, which Crowley and Aziraphale use often and with a lot of intentionality as a word that has existed in basically all languages since the beginning of time: mmm, the sound of human pleasure and satiation, as we looked at in the Crowley & Plosives meta. The Ancient Mu = Crowley and Aziraphale, who are really old, longtime sailors together on The Sea of Mmm.🐟

[An aside but M is also the name of James Bond's boss. Crowley is a big Bond fan and, we speculate, was likely an allied spy during WW2 so maybe there's something in here as well to add to the idea that Crowley influenced Bond a bit.]

Mu has had different pronunciations but the most common one is homophonic for moo, which is the sound of the milk-producing cow. I don't think further detail is really needed on that one...

Mu can also be pronounced at times like the French moue, which comes from an early meaning of lips and evolved into meaning someone pouting. Crowley busts out a moue a lot-- sometimes genuinely, sometimes in jest.

Finally, mu is the Greek root of the word for something Crowley and Aziraphale both enjoy (and both like to speak about euphemistically at times): music.

The Dark Priesthood bit is pure blasphemy. Crowley and Aziraphale are, technically, members of opposing religious orders. Aziraphale is an angel of God, which is more or less akin to a human priest, while Crowley is, technically, a dark priest/diabolical minister. Religious trauma and conflicts for days aside, they're both more pagans of the good times, as Irish God Hozier would call it, with a yen for equating the sexual with the spiritual in their wordplay.

In S2, we have a parallel to the Odegra scene and others like it with entries shown to us in a publication of Hell--'Demon's Guide to Angelic Beings Who Walk the Earth'-- in which Crowley and Aziraphale wrote each other spicy love letters in their language and published them under the noses of Heaven & Hell without anyone ever catching on. In those entries, they both refer to each other using different religious terms (guru, different ancient gods, a particularly 'hot priest' turn through the etymology of bishop...). There's also, of course, that priests in many religions take a vow of celibacy, which then makes it more amusing to refer to themselves as a priesthood in wordplay referring to themselves as lovers.

Etymologically, the word priest comes from the Greek presbyteros, which means elder/old/venerable so, like their use of ancient, it's also something of a play on how they are quite literally older than dirt and also that they've been a thing for awhile now.

In addition to signifying a group, a hood is also both clothing that shields one from the rain and what we call the canopy covering of a car.

Crowley is making it sound in his presentation to the demons that Odegra means something evil and demonic in an ancient language of satanic priests when, really, it's a word he made up for his and Aziraphale's spicy and romantic little language and they're not devil-worshippers but devout members of The Church of The Vavoom.

The Dark Priesthood... Dark is a fun word by their rules because it's a word they could probably say a lot in public since it sounds all demonic but we have seen that their language is built, in part, around words within other words and also uses a lot of French so Dark = Dark and D'Ark. It actually refers to The Ark or is Of The Ark, which we can take as a reference to the events of The Flood. Since The Flood is referenced in S2 in the Job minisode and keeps coming up in other places (and since we've seen precious little of it so far), it's potentially another hint that all that rain-sheltering canopy vavooming Crowley was going on about in S2 was he and Aziraphale during The Flood and that we might see that in S3.

It sounds like if one of them says dark, they're actually referencing-- at least, in part-- The Vavoom kiss. Like Crowley was, on one level of what he said, in 1941:

In the book, the Odegra stuff is the same but for the word dark-- it's The Black Priesthood of Ancient Mu instead. The word black is also in their wordplay in the show, though, and shows up in the same scene in 1941 as Crowley saying "shades of... dark grey." The word black contains the word lac, the substance secreted by an insect that is used as shellac. Lac is also the French word for lake. One of you asked me to word out The Blitz, Part 2's Chateauneuf-de-Pape scene so we can talk more about how Crowley uses black in that scene in that meta down the line. We're actually not yet done with Odegra, though, because...

Odegra also can be pronounced like "Eau de grah." Eau is French for water-- so, it would be "water of grah"/"grah water" when mixing French in. Grah is a fascinatingly Good Omens-y word... In German, it's a variant word for gray. In Slovenian? It means pea. (Frozen peas!) In Croatian? Beans and bean soup. Peas and beans are both seeds, which occur a lot in their speak and are going to be their own meta at some point, since quite a few of you want me to write about the 'Seeds of Destruction' scene in S1. In Hindi and Nepali, it means planet-- akin to world...

The especially damn one, though, is that, in Albanian, grah means *both* to rattle and to roar. Serpents rattle. Lions roar. Crowley is both. Rather hilariously, he even roared as a lion once while shapeshifted into a snake which.... isn't quite to what this wordplay would be referring lol... but it adds additional humor to that scene.

So you say, Crowley... Anyway, lastly, in Sanskrit, grah also means: to seize, to take, and to hold. Mmm...

Hail The Great Beast, Devourer of Worlds:

Hail: Besides hailing someone in the worshipful way Crowley suggests here, there's hail-- hard rain. Within hail: hai, a kind of keelboat and also the word for shark in several languages (Finnish and Estonian, among them) and ail, homophone: ale aka alcohol. You also used to (pre-Uber/Lyft, etc.)-- and can often still-- hail transportation, like a cab... an extra funny pun since it's used during Crowley's M25 presentation.

Great: The original meanings (some of which obviously still exist now) were big, massive, thick, and coarse. Rooted in ghreu, which meant to rub and to grind.

Great: Contains gre and eat. Gre, in Welsh, means all of these: a stud of horses, a flock and a herd. So, there's the horses, ducks, birds and other animals that show up in their speak and the show itself. In the Old French, gre meant pleasure and goodwill and, in Middle English, it meant kindness, understanding and satisfaction. It's also connected to the word gray in Old Scottish Gaelic. The eat bit is self-evident-- a nod to all the food used euphemistically in their speak (and the real food they do enjoy together as well.)

Crowley also uses great in summary of he and Aziraphale in S2 when he dryly tells Maggie how much he and Aziraphale talk-- but uses their language, which she obviously doesn't understand, to do so because, honestly, Maggie telling Crowley that he doesn't know how communicate in a relationship is about the same thing as it would be if Muriel sat him down and said he needed to listen to them when it comes to their superior knowledge of sexual innuendo. It's ridiculous. ("I say something brilliant and he says something unintentionally funny back. It's great." Rill = a stream; tent = canopy, etc..)

The Great Beast... Beast: Contains be, homophone: bee, and east. Bees, as we learned in S2, are angels. Aziraphale is Crowley's angel and The Angel of the Eastern Gate, whose desk is in the Eastern part of the compass bookshop, which is also the direction of the arrow being pointed by the bookshop's Cupid sculpture in S1. The Great Beast = Aziraphale.

"The beast with two backs" has also been euphemistic for sex since the 1500s and was immortalized by Shakespeare in Othello... and, by that, we mean was probably immortalized by Crowley in Othello lol... A beast has also long been a flirty thing to call someone who uses lewd and lascivious language.

GIF by aftermath-meme

Devourer of Worlds:

Devourer: We know what this is lol but just to fine print it here... Devour comes from the Latin devolare, meaning both to swallow down and to accept eagerly. Earliest forms contain the same meanings we have today for the word: to entirely consume; to eat ravenously.

By the early 1600s, devour evolved to also mean to take in hungrily with the eyes. I suppose here is where it might be funny to also point out that both ravenous and swallow are words that are also related to birds.

World: Often relates to the state of existence of human beings. Sometimes used in religious settings by humans to differentiate between the secular world and Earth versus Heaven and the world of the afterlife-- the "worldly affairs" of Earth. Can sometimes refer to the celestial-- "other worlds." The universe is another name for the world-- a system of created things, one started by Crowley and Aziraphale themselves. Also: homophonic for whirled: a swirling of something-- usually, of a mind or of water, like a whirlpool.

A world, though, can just be a person's own life and the people in it, and a romantic way of referring to your partner. You could, for instance, toast the world of the planet you just helped save and also be toasting one another-- your own, mutual, private world-- at the same time, as many of us suspect was the case here:

Crowley also says that the motorists, as they "grumble" along the highway will be "like water on a prayer wheel, grinding out an endless fog of low-grade evil that will encircle the whole of London." There is a bit of wordplay in here as well.

Grumble: Means to complain in a low voice but also originally had the additional meaning of the word within it that evolved into a separate word-- to rumble, as in to make a low, rumbling sound or murmur. While these hypothetical motorists are rumbling their way around The Freeway of Love, they're doing so like water on a prayer wheel.

Crowley knows that not a soul in the room knows what a Tibetan prayer wheel is or what it is meant to do. It just sounds like stuff the demons would think is an appropriately evil way to feel. The other part of the joke is that the term prayer wheel is actually misleading and a mistranslation of the Tibetan. Mantras, not prayers, are put on paper inside the wheel (which is cylindrical, not really even round-wheel-shaped, though it does go around) while a mantra or two is usually printed on the outside of the wheel. It's more about visualization than prayer-- which goes with how this flashback scene is tied to Crowley literally visualizing and willing himself and the burning Bentley through the M25 ring of fire.

It's the height of irony because the idea is that anytime someone turns a prayer wheel and focuses on the positive energy they are generating from doing so and thinking on or saying the mantras it contains, they're actually sending out positive energy to everyone around them. Crowley is giving a presentation in which he's claiming that these motorists on the M25 would be spreading negative energy because they'd be stuck in an exercise as pointless as spinning a prayer wheel when, in actuality, he's thinking about how the grumps in Hell could use some prayer wheels being spun in their direction.

On an euphemistic level, though, Crowley, is in his happy place being metaphorical water on a metaphorical prayer wheel. More sexuality-as-spirituality blasphemy at play with that and also a nod to how a lot of how he and Aziraphale are living is closer in line with Buddhist teachings than with other religions. S2 highlights that a bit, showing both Crowley and Aziraphale employing mudras (both inside and outside of performing miracles) and the lotus flower mandala rug they have on the floor to cover up The Heavenly Zoom of Discorporation, etc...

These motorists will be grinding out (does not need further explanation lol, other than to point out that you also grind seeds/pulses and coffee)...

...an endless fog (fog in a sense of headspace with relation to sex; etymology ties to damp, in a possible nod to the 597 AD scene; endless potentially hinting loosely at edging, which is in another 32 scenes more directly so not really a reach; also: endless, in the sense of viewing how they are and feel as eternal...)

...of low-grade evil (original definition of evil pertained to "sin" and still does-- "low-grade evil" would be akin to mild "sin"; grade repeats gra and also contains ade: as in, a drink made of fruit, like lemonade. Homophones: aid and aide-- so, care and support)...

....that will encircle the whole (both whole, as in: all of, and hole, as in: yeah, I'm pretty sure ya got this one...)...

...of London. London is wordplay, you ask? Oh, yes, seems to be. It's also in 'Demon's Guide...' as well, likely because...

London: contains lon and don. A don, among other things, is the formal Spanish title for a gentleman. Lon is an Irish word for blackbird and a Norwegian one for a gently-flowing creek. (Yes, they are that specific in the definition on the water movement.) The word London as a whole comes from the Proto-Celtic Londinjon, meaning: place that floods and, for a little ocean-themed destructive sexual metaphor fun, the Proto-Indo-European lendh, meaning: to sink.

So that endless fog of low-grade evil will be encircling the whole of London forevermore, thanks to Crowley's demonic design of the M25 orbital motorway. After all of that, it's clear to see why Crowley dryly thought that a wahoo (a positive yay! response but, also, a kind of fish... so, an orgasm) was in order. Some jolly good wordplay, that. Instead, at the end of Crowley's presentation, Hastur asks a question:

"What's a computer?"

In fairness to Hastur, while computers had existed for awhile by the 1970s, they weren't in everyone's houses yet and he didn't get up to Earth that often. (Good on him, actually, for even asking a question in the first place, when most of them didn't.) While the joke exists to highlight the fact that none of the demons got a single lick of what Crowley just said because Hastur's back with a question on what was only about the fourth word of many that Crowley said, there's also that it highlights that Hastur and the other demons lack the language ability to work out, through language comprehension and/or context, what a computer might be. They can't compute what a computer could be, basically.

Crowley and Aziraphale have been on Earth since the start and have been a part of the evolution of language. They understand how it's a living thing. They know the relationships between root words, which many of us also do just instinctively from living, speaking and reading and they do on a level of being walking, talking etymological dictionaries. The angels and demons technically speak all the languages of the world but, because they don't live in that world, they don't really understand language... and they are definitely miles away from Crowley and Aziraphale's capability of playing with it to the point of having created their own language out of the languages of the world.

Hastur's question is the meta joke of the scene and so we're going to finish up here by looking at it, too, even though it's not part of Crowley's wordplay. Ironically for Hastur, the word computer comes from the Latin putare which means, quite literally, to think, as well as to prune, in a way that means to filter and discern information. The 'com' part of it related to the Latin cum, meaning with and together.

What's funny about the question from a Crowley and Aziraphale's language speak perspective is that the reason why Aziraphale must have lost it laughing when Crowley told him what question Hastur asked is because their approach to the word would be to compute it by taking it apart and remaking it into also having a different layer of meaning within their language.

The first bit of com and its connection to cum and to come is something they already use all over the place, for obvious reasons. As for the rest of it... puter, depending on accent, can pronounced as puta, which is derogatory Spanish slang for a woman who has many sexual encounters and/or is a sex worker.

To compute to Crowley and Aziraphale would mean to think and discern, sure, but in Ineffable Husbands Speak, could be used to mean spending some quality time with a fellow seamstress.

So Hastur, who didn't understand much of anything in Crowley's presentation, asked for the everyday English definition of the one word in it that Crowley wasn't using in his sea of wordplay... but which, when used in Ineffable Husbands Speak, would ironically be defined as a short version of exactly what Crowley was on about for the entire presentation.

And this is probably why if you asked Aziraphale in Crowley's presence if he was ever going to get a new computer, he'd likely tell you he prefers to stick with his classic, first gen apple. It's the only one that's ever truly been great.

[siobhans-world]

WIP: Sneak peek of some art I'm working on to go with my final chapter of Telling Tall Tales, which I'll post sometime next week:

Mrs Sandwich, Aziraphale and Tracey 💗

Ahhh! I'm so excited and sad for it to end. I've LOVED writing this story.

[on-till-morning]

Apparently ‘Crowley gets mistaken for a sex worker’ is a sub genre now and I am here for all of it from the heartbreaking to the hilarious and especially if it involves Mr Brown of Brown’s World of Carpets vying for Aziraphale’s attention. (And this fic where Mr Brown thinks Crowley is in the mafia is great too.) Give me more please internets!

[brstudios]

A seamstress comforts a serpent.

(Mrs. Sandwich and Crowley are friends, and I won't be convinced otherwise.)

https://www.patreon.com/bluerosestudios

[i-watched-good-omens-and-broke]

Aziraphale: What's my sexuality?! I don't know! I'm not straight, and that's all that matters. Well, maybe that's unfair to the straights. Some of my best friends are straight! Well, one of them. Well, I know them, and Mrs. Sandwich is a perfectly tolerable person in small doses!

[amagnificentobsession]

My favorite Seamstress and Demon ❤️🔥💋

Got your hat pin? Oh, I’ve got more than that! I’ll bet you do love. 😈

[miss-americanbi]

i don’t think we’re talking enough about my fabulous bitch mrs. sandwich. quite literally devoured in every scene she was in and not one fuck was given. i love her.

[crowleyscleaninglady]

People assume Aziraphale is paying him and therefore he is available for hire lmaooo

Asdfghjkl

‘DON’T [TRY] THE GUY WITH THE BLACK GLASSES HE DOESN’T WORK HERE!’

Local Soho lurker, known associate of Mr. Fell, inspiring so much lust around him people flock to the brothel to see if they can spend some quality time with him. And it happens so frequently Mrs. Sandwich had to put a sign up.

Alternatively, as @cassieoh (thank you for brightening the image!!) suggested: ‘DON’T [PAY] THE GUY WITH THE BLACK GLASSES HE DOESN’T WORK HERE!’

Poor Mrs. Sandwich. ‘Yes I know he looks like he works as a seamstress, but he does NOT, so if you could kindly pay me, thank you very much.’

I can’t decide which is funnier, Crowley accepting money from Mrs. Sandwich’s patrons (does he cackle as he does this? Is he confused? Does he walk the money over to her afterwards or do something else with it?) or Mrs. Sandwich having to march over to him and sternly asking him to stop letting patrons pay him instead (does she cock her hip and stick out her hand? Does she laugh along with him? Do they bond over it?? Are Crowley and Mrs. Sandwich buds???)

‘You’re a good lad.’

[avocado-writing]

Heyy I recently found your account and love love love your writing. I would absolutely die if you wrote anymore Jim or Gabriel fics. Would love something like fluffy or domestic between Jim/Gabriel and reader or aziracrow finding out that reader is in a relationship with Jim. No worries if you’re busy though 💕

notes: a sequel to this! a plot? in my drabble? it’s more likely than you think.

pairing: jim x reader

rating: T

“I brought you flowers.”

He has. He brandishes a huge bouquet at you, chock full of sunflowers. You take them with a smile. 

“Thank you, Jim. They’re lovely.”

“Mr Fell said I should bring roses, but I liked these ones more, because they’re happy like you are.”

“Oh, Jim,” you say, softly, genuinely taken aback with the kindness of it. You’ve never had someone who’s brought you flowers because they reminded them of you. “That’s so kind. Let me put these in some water and I’ll be right with you.”

Jim waits patiently at your door as you scurry back inside. From across the street, Aziraphale holds up a newspaper to hide his face. He’s cut eyeholes in it, and thinks he’s being very clever. Crowley cringes. 

“Angel, at some point, you’re going to have to accept that they’re going to be fine. They’ve had plenty of dates at this point and nothing untowards has happened to either of them.”

“I know, I know. I just want to make sure. You know that I worry.”

Crowley sighs. As you and Jim head off, he and Aziraphale follow at a decent pace behind. Neither of you have noticed that you have hangers-on. You and Jim are quite in your own world. He’s asked you about your day and you’re telling him, he’s hanging on every word without interruption. You walk at a lazy pace and, as you go, your fingers tangle together and you end up holding hands. Aziraphale sees the way he looks at you: as if you hung the stars.

You like walking, and Jim likes being where you are, so you’re taking a turn around the park. Jim’s brought a small sandwich bag full of frozen peas so you can both feed the ducks. He found it fascinating when you told him why bread wasn’t the best option for them, and for the following week spread that fact with anyone who would listen.

Jim’s… a little strange, but honestly, he’s one of the best people you’ve dated. He’s kind, attentive, and happy to take things slow. After the rapid-fire world of app-based romance and online matchups, it’s nice to have someone who just wants to take a stroll with you.

Aziraphale notes with pride that Jim stops to buy you an ice cream from the cart. You grin and thank him and, even though he can’t hear your conversation from here, he’s reasonably happy that Crowley’s right, and the two of you will do perfectly well on your own. He doesn’t want to tell Crowley that, though, or he’ll make him do the dance; for now he’ll just keep observing.

The two of you sit down on a park bench by the pond and eat your ice cream. At one point you get him to hold yours while you get your iPod out of your pocket and offer him one of the earbuds, and the two of you listen to some song and chat in animated detail about it. The ducks are fed, the ice creams are finished, and you lean your head on Jim’s shoulder.

“I’m so glad I get to spend time with you, Jim,” you tell him, softly, taking his large hand in both of yours. “You make me feel like the only person in the world while we’re together.”

“Is that a good thing?”

You laugh, not unkindly.

“Yes, Jim, it’s good.”

“Then I’m glad. I like spending time with you too. I’d do it all the time if I could. You make me feel…warm.”

You look up at him, at his sincere smile, his kind eyes that crinkle a little.

“Jim, can I kiss you?”

“Oh. Yeah, of course.”

Aziraphale and Crowley have explained the basics of kissing to Jim, knowing this would likely be coming. It’s where humans put their lips together and move them around a bit. Jim hasn’t quite seen the appeal, but when you reach up and press your mouth to his, his whole cosmos changes.

Above you, the bulb in the dormant streetlamp pops, and a burst of sonic energy shoots out from between you with such force that it startles all the poor ducks. They take off flying. 

He understands. He understands why people like doing this. He takes your face in his hands and deepens the kiss, stealing your breath away from the passion of it. You taste like vanilla and strawberry sauce. 

Gabriel pulls back and looks at you with violet eyes. And for a second, he remembers.

“Look at you,” he whispers, deep and longing, swiping a thumb across your lower lip, “you’re gorgeous.”

You furrow your brow.

“Jim?” you ask, perplexed at the change of attitude. 

He shuts his eyes, and when they open again, they’re the colour they usually are. You figure it must have been a trick of the light. He blinks a couple of times, clearing his mind from whatever fog just took it over, and smiles at you.

“That was nice!” he says, in the cheerful way you’ve become accustomed to.

“Are… are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m great!” he laughs, and there’s no trace that he even realises what just happened.

Across the way, Aziraphale and Crowley stare, having witnessed the whole thing.

“That’s not good,” Crowley mutters. Aziraphale purses his lips.

-

Taglist: @nix-rose

[ineffablehusbandsrecs]

I'm the treasure baby, I'm the prize

Author: stereobone

Words: 9K

Rating: E

Summary: 

"Are you working for Mrs. Sandwich?" Nina asks.

"No," Crowley says. "Well, yes. Well, define 'working'."

--

Or, Crowley is very good at faking sex work, as it turns out.

Find it here: x

[vidavalor]

Ineffable Divorce... but it's the OFMD S2 teaser

I was joking with a friend earlier that Crowley would go the opposite route of Ed and the result is this bit of un-beta'd, not-quite-fic crack here.

Aziraphale, in Heaven, has just drafted his 568th handwritten-on-cream-stationary-with-a-quill-pen unsent letter to his dearest Anthony and how much he misses him... everything about him. Being around him. Breathing the same air-- if they really needed to breathe, that is. He winces at his awkward phrasing and magics the letter into non-existence with a sigh. He thinks of him often-- constantly. Does Crowley ever think of him? Aziraphale glances around. No one looking, no one around. He pulls up the Earth Observation Device and whispers nervously:

Ah... hello. I need you to show me Crowley. In the present, please.

Filling the screen is not The Bentley or the bookshop or the pub and Aziraphale blinks, not sure what he expected. He sees a crowded hotel ballroom full of people--humans-- Aziraphale has never seen before... all of whom are having a *suspiciously* great time-- time of their lives, really-- at this wedding reception. The D.J. is currently blasting out some Earth, Wind & Fire and on the dance floor is... Crowley. Formal-wear version of his signature look-- tuxedo version of his vest and his glasses on, jacket off. Snake-patterned bow tie open at his neck-- along with his shirt, almost to his snake belt. Champagne flute dangling out of one hand. Getting down with half the bridal party and guests and... Mrs. Sandwich?!... in the center of the dance floor.

They are surrounded by a throng of humans spanning ages and genders-- ranging from a young groomsman that Aziraphale very much *does not* enjoy observing who seems perpetually stuck in a repeated motion of attempting to get closer to Crowley but not quite getting there... to an elderly woman Aziraphale observes is the groom's mother whose hand Crowley occasionally takes to turn her in a careful twirl... to three elementary-school age children trying to teach each other their made-up dance moves. The kids are the ones who manage to get the occasional slight, genuine smile out from around the perpetual smirk of the demon. Aziraphale can tell the difference between the real smiles and the false cheer covering up pain but still this is at least better than he might have thought and he's grateful to Marla (Mrs. Sandwich) for keeping Crowley company in this... whatever he is doing.

"Oh no!" laughs the maid of honor, audible over the very loud, thumping bebop. She is trying to show alarm with her voice but the crisis turns into amusement in her tone because of the certain... spell... that hangs in the air over this wedding.

"We're almost out of champagne!"

"Yeah, alright," Aziraphale observes Crowley mutter as he stretches his fingers out lazily around his champagne flute and flickers them in the direction of the bar before briefly catching Mrs. Sandwich's hand and dramatically spinning and dipping her, both laughing, before they separate again and continue dancing with one another and everyone else around them in turn. Aziraphale recalls this song as "Let's Groove" from when The Bentley used to play it and Crowley's moves somewhat inspired by those of American cinemagraphic actor John Travolta. (He is not completely clueless, he will have you know.)

"This really is completely mad" is what Nina is saying as Aziraphale manages to drag his eyes off of Crowley long enough to notice her and Maggie. They are not under the spell. The slight smile on Nina's face belays that it might be completely mad, but she is having a bit of fun.

"I know," Maggie grins, her eyes lighting up with a little mischief... and a lot of love as she dances with Nina. "Definitely better than my brother's wedding-- I'll say that."

Nina subtly dances them a little more to the right as Aziraphale frowns, observing her looking nervous as an older man with a dark look on his face approaches them.

"N'uh uh! Love is love, Grandpa," Crowley, still dancing, calls over the music from where he has also observed it. He kisses two of his free fingertips and bats them in the air towards his friends. The older man's angry stalking towards Maggie and Nina suddenly slows to a relaxed gait. Aziraphale watches his expression change from bigoted rage to benevolence.

"Not that we can't fight our own battles but he *can* be kinda useful," Nina whispers with a small smile to Maggie.

"A most pleasant evening, isn't it, Ladies?" the older man smiles as he moves past them to lure someone's elderly aunt who had stopped for more to drink back to the dance floor. To her, the old man says with saucy cheer:

"Come on, Marilyn, let's show these kids how you dance to this bebop!"

Aziraphale observes Crowley toss his head back with a laugh, having heard that supernaturally over the music. Aziraphale knows Crowley might have influenced the older man's choice of words just a smidge. The angel hears what Crowley mutters that no one else quite catches:

"Yeah, fuck you, Aziraphale..." Crowley's voice is less sure and his swallow is thick.

Aziraphale's heart aches. He doesn't see anything in front of him for a minute, lost in pain and the image of Crowley, drunk and dancing, losing himself surrounded by the humans they both love.

When he tunes back in, one of the bridesmaids has managed to get in front of Crowley for a dance and as she laughs, full of a joy that Aziraphale cannot tell is genuine or the product of Crowley or champagne-- or Crowley *and* champagne, Aziraphale thinks, envious-- she asks him over the music:

"How do we know you guys again?"

"You tell me!" shouts Crowley, twisting his fingers in a circle in front of him in a way that looks like a dance move but holds her attention to his eyes long enough for the brief temptation to work.

"Cousin Bildad!" she suddenly cries, as if seeing him for the first time and the dance has just begun, even if neither she nor Crowley have stopped.

Crowley says "sure!" brightly and then growls at the ceiling as she turns away from him. The bridesmaid throws her arms around Mrs. Sandwich, exclaiming her delight in seeing her presumed cousin 'Jemimah' again.

"Hi, hon! Yeah, you look so great! That's your color, girl, looking fantastic," gushes Mrs. Sandwich, ever game. When the bridesmaid isn't looking, she mouths at Crowley: "Jemimah?", as if to say, 'what do you think prompted that one?'

Aziraphale realizes this is not the first wedding that Crowley and Mrs. Sandwich have crashed since he has been gone.

"Long story." Crowley shrugs at Marla. "Might be getting a little loose, Mrs. S," he confesses, still sloppy-dancing.

"A little, hun?"

Aziraphale is relieved to see her toss her dry look also towards Nina and Maggie. Maggie looks concerned. Nina looks at her watch. They make their way over, Nina helping herself to a piece of cake to eat while she watches the other two try to wrangle Crowley into leaving.

"Designated human!" Crowley grins in greeting at Maggie, pointing the finger of his perpetually-full-somehow champagne flute at her.

"You are not driving The Bentley. Not happening."

Aziraphale has the feeling it has happened more than once already.

"Crowley--" she starts.

"Cousin Bildad," corrects Mrs. Sandwich, her eyes flicking to the human wedding party. ("*Bildad*?" squints Nina and she and Mrs. Sandwich exchange 'whatever, it's all weird' looks.) Crowley continues to dance in front of Maggie, trying to get her to join him and everyone else. The spell holds with the wedding guests, who all continue to have the time of their lives.

"It might be time to go before you run out of... your... demonic energy? Is that what we decided to call it?" Aziraphale understands that Maggie means that if Crowley gets drunk enough to pass out, the spell over the humans will break and the four of them will be in trouble for crashing the wedding.

Crowley shrugs while dancing. "Aw, five more minutessss, Mom..."

"Crowley," she gives him a look that feels familiar to Aziraphale and he cannot place why until he realizes that it looks similar to one of his own. She smiles a little, giving in, and dances a little with him, causing him to hiss a victory "yesssss" and for Nina to roll her eyes.

"*Fine*," Crowley spits. "Two more songsss," he hiss-slurs.

"You're a soft touch, ang--," Nina inform Maggie, affectionately.

"NINA!", cry Maggie and Mrs. Sandwich at the same time as Crowley points a finger at her.

"Careful, Coffee Woman," Crowley tries to make it sound like a threat but it comes out like a plea.

"One more song," Maggie tells Crowley softly, in her final negotiation, her look tender, if determined.

Crowley's glare can be felt through his sunglasses but he likes Maggie and Aziraphale knows him. He knows that Crowley--no matter how broken-hearted Aziraphale has made him and Aziraphale can barely breathe with pain over the knowledge of how much he has-- is no threat to humans.

A smirk slips across Crowley's face.

"Alright," he hums, still dancing. "You're in charge, Coussssin Margaret. One more."

Aziraphale watches as Crowley takes petty revenge for his fun ending by choosing the last song. He raises his arms up and points both of his index fingers at the sky.

The D.J.'s music flips mid-song, the sudden change unobserved as strange by the D.J. and the other spell-cast humans, as quickly as if someone has set the needle down on the start of a new record. Suddenly, the humans all cheer and laugh and begin the moves of the dance that goes along with the song that Aziraphale vaguely remembers caused quite an unnecessary stir with some particularly stuffy parents a few decades ago....

When I dance, the woman in the song declares. They call me 'Macarena'...

Nina's eyeroll is slow and as pained as her groan but Maggie's smile turns bemused, her gentleness something Aziraphale is happy Crowley has around him, even if the angel shares Nina's pain. This bebop is especially atrocious. Still, she puts in half-effort and lets Maggie drag her into putting down her cake and half-assing the steps while Maggie enthusiastically Macarenas with Mrs. S and Crowley.

Aziraphale will admit that he can see the allure of this particular dance and his blush is entirely about Heaven's defaulting central air conditioning and has nothing to do with Crowley's hips moving like that.

Aziraphale really has to get Michael on fixing the temperature in here. He blinks away his tears and flips off the device to go get right on that...

[bipolargreen]

I can see him being a master at flirting with other people. I mean, he’s been flirting with his Angel for 6000 years. Got lots of practice. 😆

Okay but genuine question.

How do you think Crowley would respond to someone flirting with him? Like, we know Aziraphale would get all possessive and Eastern-Gate-Guardian on their ass but what would Crowley do, if Aziraphale wasn't there?

Would he embrace his demon tendencies and flirt back maybe? Nothing too serious, but just to rock the boat a bit? Or would he blush and look around for helplessly waiting for his angel to appear and smite them? Because this looks an awful lot like (yes, innocent, maybe just playful but) flirting to me:

Like, the smirk??? The drawl??? The head shake???

I'm all for Crowley being a total simp for Aziraphale but he must enjoy a couple flirty comments now and again.

[siobhans-world]

Now Telling Tall Tales is finished, I wasn't thinking of continuing it, buttttt...

Right now I keep thinking about a one off. A funny short chapter involving Aziraphale, Mrs Sandwich and Tracey going on a wild hen doo where they can talk filthily haha.

Would that be fun, do you think?