#control their emotions but also DAMN. Imagine being a teenager and your dad just says 'You have to go

[bumblingbabooshka]

And I don’t want your pity - I just want somebody near me.

[thunderheadfred]

🦈Kirishima HC’s🦈

Absolutely no one asked for this i just like him a lot

He’s an adult in all of these. 20s-30s at least. Some NSFW because I’m a big perv. Minors do not interact. Shoo.

- - - - -

General:

He is in the dictionary under Himbo, right next to Kronk.

Works part-time as a fitness instructor before making a name for himself as a pro hero. Most of his clients are middle-aged women, because he makes people feel safe. Before long, word gets around and he amasses this like. Loyal army of jacked housewives and older ladies who are his biggest possible fans. They mother-hen him like crazy.

Has a large and complicated extended family. Lots of cousins. You will never learn all their names, don’t even try. I have no idea if his parents have canon occupations but no matter what Horikoshi says, they actually own a mountain onsen. Kirishima went to the city by himself to go to middle/high school, his family is all off in the country somewhere and he gets homesick a lot but never admits it. He’s broke for a long time even after making it as a pro hero, because he sends most of his money back home.

He’s a dog dad. You cannot, WILL not convince me otherwise. Big dogs. Small dogs. Fancy dogs. Ugly dogs. He has a whole pack. He calls them all baby, sweetie, pupper, the worst and most embarrassing baby talk. Tells them about his day. All of his furniture is wrecked. He’s an active member in online dog groups, where he is careful to use a pseudonym and never show his face, but eventually people are going to figure out that Red Riot’s dogs look an awful lot like this one user’s....

He’s in a casual taiko group, always on the o-daiko. Loves participating in festivals and parades. He has never, ever, not once, worn a shirt while drumming. Probably has been gifted at least one antique taiko drum for his hero work, and he keeps it in his house but is too afraid to play it because it’s scary valuable “uhh it’s definitely haunted”

Regularly goes out drinking. Socially and responsibly, like clockwork, always with the same people. He’s a goddamned lightweight, and no one understands why. Will mope if he has to miss a night out at the izakaya.

So he’s clean, but sloppy. House looks like a tornado ripped through it, and nothing he owns matches. Not a single thing. I mentioned the dogs.

Will absolutely use “manly” as a replacement for “awesome,” and will constantly tell you how manly you are. Your actual gender is a non-issue. If you hang out with him for more than five minutes you’re manly as hell now.

He cries a lot? Sometimes it’s for show but he gets genuinely misty-eyed over the dumbest things. Do NOT show him pictures of puppies.

He’s good at braiding hair. His or yours. When his hair isn’t hardened, he likes doing all kinds of wacky stuff with it. He usually keeps it long enough for braids, ponies, buns, quirk-assisted faux-hawks, whatever. Mina has given him many bad ideas. He will definitely steal your hair bands and accessories, if you use them.

His fridge is just like, meat and beer. He will, if forced, consume perhaps one single vegetable. Unfortunately, his B.O. reflects this. God bless him - he showers and bathes daily, because he works out a lot and is just generally hygienic. But don’t ever touch his socks barehanded.

He wears the cheapest, most predictable cologne you can imagine, the kind that comes in an aerosol can and punches a hole in the ozone every time he sprays his pits. It smells stupidly good on him. How. so fucking manly. you kind of hate him for getting away with it.

- - - - -

And now, the 🌶 Spicy Ones 🌶

Does not date or hook up much; wants a serious relationship.

Has a tough time getting dates, weirdly. He’s still secretly insecure, but mostly he’s got rocks for brains and never knows how to flirt. He ends up friendzoning most of the people interested in him, because he is, in fact, a little too chivalrous for his own good and can never make the first move. He’s an emotional open book, but clueless romantically. I recommend being extremely straightforward. Draw him a map if you have to.

Is afraid to kiss you too deeply because of the teeth. Will take a lot of gentle encouragement to get him comfortable, but once he knows you’re safe, he’s going to be kissing you all the time. Like, too much. People are gawking, Kiri, for God’s sake.

He radiates massive doses of husband/dad energy. Will immediately marry the hell out of you. If you are capable of and willing to have his children, you are going to get extremely pregnant. Very quickly. Not necessarily a breeding kink (though why not), he just really wants to start a family with you.

He’s Big. Just huge. Tall and broad, and also... his dick is a summit and you will need to prepare for the climb. He’s had problems in the past because no, not everybody wants ALL THAT inside them. That said, if you can handle it? Woof.

Hard as a rock is No Joke with this man. Can and WILL use his quirk on his dick. If you don’t think that’s the first thing he mastered as a teenager I dont know what to tell you. Ever used a glass dildo? Well buckle up cuz it’s like if a massive glass dildo whispered sweet nothings in your ear and held you close in big strong arms and fucked you till you cried. It’s a sometimes thing. Otherwise you’d simply pass away.

He loves your brains. Your smarts and wit are a huge turn on, and he gets a boner when you use a word he doesn’t know. He also loves fucking your brains completely out, so that you cant use any words at all.

He’s a devout church-going body-worshipper. He’s so jacked that’s it’s constantly intimidating, like, how dare you stand next to this chiseled statue of a man?! but whether you love power-lifting with him or would rather die than exercise, he’s gonna treat you like the prettiest fucking piece of cake on planet earth.

Size kink ahoy; he gets his big grabby mitts on you... and you psychologically lose three feet. Doesn’t matter how tall or small or fat or thin you are, you are getting groped, squeezed, and manhandled. You didn’t even know it was possible to get thrown around like that; always onto something soft.

Not dominant. Not unless you ask very, very nicely. had a brief pushy phase at the peak of his teenage manliness obsession, unconsciously trying to be more like Bakugou, but he quickly realized controlling people wasn’t really him. It certainly isn’t very manly. Doesn’t want any toxic masculinity in his love life, even as roleplay.

That said, he can and will be a soft dom, if that’s what you want. After some practice, he’d get pretty good at it too. But his natural sexual groove is goofy, a bit awkward. Usually finds a non-sexual excuse to touch you at first; prepare to get tickled a lot. If you sit in his lap it’s all over.

If you get dominant with him, even a little, he’s gonna turn to putty in your hands. Go ahead and boss that big dumb puppy around. Nothing turns him on like seeing you get exactly what you want.

You’ll have morning wood pressed up against your ass. Every damn day. He might hump and grope you in his sleep, moaning a little. Usually it just wears off. If you wake him up to fuck, he’ll have no idea what’s going on but will be like “hell yeah i guess this is happening”

Gives oral like a starving man. Has absolutely zero reservations, because he knows his tongue and hands can’t hurt you. Will be as loud and messy as possible. If you get embarrassed or shy about it, he’s going to mumble sweet talk directly into your junk until your teeth fall out.

He’s vocal in bed. Growly. A moaning groaning disaster. He says the sweetest, gentlest things... has the cleanest dirty talk you’ve ever heard, but tenderness filtered through his bourbon-barrel chest comes out all dark and rumbly, especially when he’s close. you feel his “I love you” in your bones

He thinks making his partner cum is the manliest thing he can do. Any orgasm is good, but if you cum untouched on his dick, he’ll be riding that high for days

[ghoste-catte]

okay so I've been a big fan of your work for like almsot three years now and you kinda inspired me to want to start my own gaara fanfic. I am absolutley in love with your characterisation of him (especially in sleep talk with me) and wondered if you maybe could give me some tips? because my story would also take place in the sweet inbetween after the chunin exams and before he becomes kazekage. (and to write him in this time frame is so so hard. damn you barely excitent canon content.)

OMG anon?? That’s such a nice thing to say!! I’m so thrilled that you’re inspired to write your own stuff! I hope you’ll drop me a link to it when it’s finished!! I’m sure it’ll be amazing!! I love that time period for Gaara. 

To be honest, I don’t feel like I’m super qualified to give writing “advice” (I say, preparing to give advice), because I’m really just an amateur doing this for fun. But that being said, there’s a couple things that I think are fun or interesting or compelling to explore with Gaara during that timeskip period between OG Naruto and Shippuden ... (Caveat here that these are just my opinions and there’s no one right way to explore this character, and that there’s plenty of interpretations that are worthwhile and fantastic and honestly better than mine!) 

So, the first and biggest thing I had to keep drilling into my own head as I was writing Sleeptalk was how staggeringly YOUNG all the characters are pre-Shippuden. Gaara is, like, twelve or thirteen at the chuunin exams and he becomes Kazekage around age fifteen. I don’t know if you remember being fifteen, but I was barely qualified to work my little part-time job at that age! Hell, I’m shocked they let me drive a car (with a learner’s permit, but still). So picturing someone making the decisions he did at that age, even in the context of the militaristic, child-soldier-normalizing context of Naruto is ... a lot. 

The biggest thing I think with Gaara--as an adult or as a teenager--is keeping in mind how strongly his trauma shaped him. What Gaara goes through between the end of the chuunin exams and his first appearance in Shippuden is basically an (unrealistically) accelerated trauma recovery. From age 6 to age 12, he basically has no personal connections, no affection, no mentorship or anything other than what appears to be basic “wrangling”. The Naruto wiki says that his dad is the one who trained him in ninjutsu, but it’s hard to picture him being particularly tractable after Yashamaru’s death, so I imagine those trainings were short-lived and probably fairly brutal. After all, it’s said Rasa’s magnet release was the only thing that could control Gaara if he let Shukaku take over. If anything, Rasa’s training methods are probably a lot closer to the Hyuugas’ than to, say, the Akimichi. So I think in addition to the onscreen traumas (the early loss of his mother, his overall rejection by Suna, the forcible termination of his relationship with his siblings, the assassination attempts, and of course Yashamaru’s betrayal), we probably also are looking at someone who was abused in addition to being neglected. Healing from trauma is a lot of work, and it has missteps and backslides in addition to forward progress, so there’s a lot of potential for development of his character there. Thinking about what his healing journey was like, what his setbacks might have been, and how he handled those. And what his major milestones were, too. What were his big signs of progress? His red letter days?

There’s actually a lot we don’t know about Gaara’s childhood between when Yashamaru died and the Konoha Crush, and there’s a lot of room to play in that space and explore possibilities. For example, who took care of his basic caregiving needs? Who made sure he had clothes and food? What did he eat? What were the major events of those six years? Did he ever try to reach out to Temari or Kankuro? To his dad? To Baki? What was the context of the additional assassination attempts? Did he play, and if so, what sort of games might he have played? We know, for example, that he has some artistic talent with the sand--was that something he ever explored? What did he do at night, since he couldn’t sleep? How was he kept awake, and by what or whom?��There’s a lot of potential to explore additional, non-canon events that might have been formative. And how did any of that change after the chuunin exams, when he decided he wanted to be seen as more than a weapon? What sorts of things did he have to learn?

We know a very bare minimum about the Suna Council and the politics and culture of Suna, too, and I think there’s a lot of potential interest there. How would the Council have approached Gaara’s announcement of his intention to become Kage, when there were two older (and more emotionally stable) candidates from the same lineage? We know from the light novels that there is still backstabbing and subterfuge and that Gaara’s appointment is controversial even when he’s an adult, so I think there’s a lot of opportunity for political intrigue in the years between part 1 and Shippuden, if that’s your thing. 

One of the biggest and most important things that I think was sorely neglected by canon was Gaara’s relationship with his siblings. There’s so much growth that needed to happen there, and Temari and Kankuro were probably still pretty scared of him at first! There’s so much potential for them to grow together as people and to form a new family unit, and exploring how they went from being wary of him (and potentially needing to be prepared to kill him if he got out of control) to a loving sibling relationship! There are a lot of firsts that could be explored there--when did he first acknowledge Kankuro as his older brother, for example? Who was the first to try to give him a hug, and did he (or the sand) allow it?

Finally, I do really want to emphasize the mental health component of Gaara’s journey. Canon leans really heavily on the fact that he has a literal demon sealed inside him and that he’s protected by his mother’s spirit through magic sand, but a lot of his reactions and ways of handling things are really just that of a traumatized child, with or without the additional magic component. If you took a kid Gaara’s age and put them through traumatic events on the scale of what he went through--with or without magical ninja skills--you would likely see similar reactions. The only difference is that Gaara has access to fundamentally unlimited power. (And I think learning that, too--that he can’t just kill or hurt people to get what he wants--would be a huge part of his development and learning process.) So I personally don’t really care for interpretations of his development that lean too heavily on the ‘literal demon voices in his head’ and ‘actual conversing with ghosts/spirits’ interpretations, though they’re perfectly valid ones given what canon portrays. I much prefer an interpretation where a lot of Gaara’s symptoms--and they are symptoms!--are actually things that are going on with him emotionally and internally rather than being literal magic events that are happening. For example, I like to think his discomfort with the full moon has a lot more to do with negative emotions associated with the memory of Yashamaru’s betrayal than a literal issue with Shukaku thirsting for blood.  

Anyway, I’ve rambled on forever, but if you have other questions please feel free to pop back up! And I hope you’ll link me to your story when it’s done--I’d love to read it!!

[darkwinterchild]

“I wish that you had died on that island.” - Arrow 1x23

Meta under the cut!

This scene between Oliver and Tommy has always intrigued me. “You have always known the man he is” - Oliver is accusing Tommy of knowing who his father was but never doing anything, compared to Oliver who didn’t find out about Robert “until it was too late”. He is essentially blaming Tommy for Malcolm. His tone during this speech - Oliver keeps a very tight control on his emotions, but here he’s barely holding back his anger.

Why? It’s so very unfair to Tommy. He couldn’t have known. Oliver of all people should understand that. Two months ago he was the one encouraging him to fix things with Malcolm because “your dad is your dad”. Oliver himself spent the whole year deceiving his own family about his true nature. And of course, as he points out himself in this scene, him and Tommy are in very similar situations. Malcolm, Robert and Moira were all three part of the same conspiracy. “They aren't the men we thought they were. They made a plan together to destroy the Glades.” - if anyone should have been able to get how hard it was going to be for Tommy to accept the truth, it was Oliver.

So why wasn’t he more compassionate?

I can think of several reasons.

#1. Firstly, I think Oliver was projecting his own “failures” unto Tommy.

Oliver had been taking his father’s sins upon himself. To him, they were his responsibilities to fix - his mission. And since Tommy was his mirror image - Oliver and him had always been the same, bonded over being the sons of the lords of Starling and everything this implies - maybe Oliver was holding him as responsible for Malcolm’s sins as he felt for Robert’s, unconsciously. And Oliver’s misplaced guilt must have been stronger than ever then, after learning that not only his father but his mother too was involved. He bore the weight of both his parents’ crimes. That anger he’s displaying in this scene was, I think, just as much for himself as it was for Tommy.

#2. Oliver needed to lash out, and Tommy was an easy scapegoat.

I think Ollie was more affected by the truth about Malcolm than people realize:

“My mom and my best friend's dad are involved in a conspiracy that may have dire consequences for the city, and I'm pretty sure they murdered my father. I'm not planning on using the word "okay" again anytime soon.”

He wasn’t close to Malcolm by any means, but Malcolm was still a very close friend of his parents, and his best friend’s dad - someone he’d known his entire life. Essentially, they were extended family. So it couldn’t have been an easy betrayal to process. And it was still nothing next to his own mother’s. Oliver was betrayed by all the parental figures of his childhood. I think that heavily compounded on the feelings of betrayal he felt when he first got back from the island to find that his sweet little sister was now a teenager doing drugs, that his mother moved on from his father’s death and married one of his father’s company friend, and that his best friend was pursuing a relationship with his ex.

So in that moment Oliver was feeling that everyone had let him down, that the people he grew up with were all just hiding their evil side, that he couldn’t trust anyone. He gave voice to this sentiment the next time he saw Laurel: “Nobody in my life is who I thought they were, except you”. It’s not fair: Tommy was always honest with Oliver and hadn’t changed at all during these five years. But in that moment Oliver was projecting Malcolm’s darkness unto him. Maybe it’s the irony that Tommy called him a murderer and chose Malcolm over him, when Malcolm was the true monster who destroyed Oliver’s life.

#3. Oliver was feeling defensive over Laurel.

Oliver had just found his way back into Laurel’s arms, and he was not in the mood to feel guilty about it:

Tommy: I took your advice, you know? I went to Laurel's, to fight for her. So imagine my surprise seeing you there, kissing her. Oliver: I'm sorry. Tommy: No, you're not.

I think at this point, in Oliver’s mind, Tommy was just an inconvenience or something. He didn’t want to have to consider his feelings, particularly since Tommy wasn’t even speaking to him anyways. Oliver didn’t even mention him when he talked to Laurel:

Oliver: Ever since I've been back, we've been doing this dance. We come together, and then I pull away. Something pulls me away. But I think, finally, that something might be over. Laurel: What are you trying to say? Oliver: That you know me better than anyone. And that you are more important to me than anyone. I just hope I didn't wait too long to say it.

In his head right then, the only thing stopping them getting together was his mission. Since that was about to be over, they were finally free to follow their hearts. Tommy wasn’t even a factor. And to be fair, he wasn’t wrong. Laurel did tell him the week before that after a lot of soul-searching, she was ready to start again with him, that maybe her and Tommy weren’t meant to be. Tommy was the one who broke up with her, that was neither Oliver nor Laurel’s fault. What was really dishonest then, I think, was to encourage Tommy to try and fix things with her:

Oliver: I can't be with her, Tommy. You know why I can't. Tommy: So what? I'm her consolation prize? I'll pass. Oliver: She's not anyone's property. Laurel makes her own decisions, and she chose you. Until you couldn't handle it. Lord knows I am guilty of a lot of things between us, but not you and her. That's all I came to say.

He made it sound like it was all in Tommy’s head, that there was nothing between him and Laurel anymore, when he knew it wasn’t true. He knew he confessed his enduring love to Laurel a couple weeks before, and that she responded positively to it. He did want Tommy to be her consolation prize, since he believed he couldn’t be with her. And the moment he stopped believing that (i.e. later in the afternoon), Laurel was his, Tommy be damned.

So I think Oliver knew, deep down, that he was being a very bad friend there. But he wasn’t in a state of mind where he could be bothered (see #1 and #2). His world was just thrown out of kilter and he wanted to be able to hold on to that one thing. So him lashing out at Tommy in that scene could be at least in part to defend his relationship with Laurel.

#4. He was about to try and murder Malcolm, and needed to justify to himself making Tommy an orphan.

For context, the scene happens at the start of 1x23, the morning of the Undertaking. The day before, Oliver visited Tommy at Merlyn Global under the pretense he wanted to help him reconcile with Laurel, then went to see her, slept with her, and later in the night broke into Merlyn Global to kill Tommy’s dad (he didn’t succeed, but it wasn’t for lack of trying).

Let’s focus on that last bit. The night before they had the above gifed conversation, Oliver tried to kill Malcolm, but didn’t tell anything to Tommy beforehand. Imagine if he had succeeded? Tommy knew Oliver was the Hood. He would have known his best friend was the one who killed his father, and he already couldn’t stand the idea of him murdering complete strangers:

“You're a murderer. A killer. You were my best friend in life, but now it's like I don't even know you.”

“Do you actually think that I could hurt you?” “Truthfully, I have no idea what the hell you would do. You are a complete mystery to me. I've got no idea how you find it so easy to kill people. The next time that you decide to think the worst of me, imagine what I now think of you.”

For all his misgivings, Tommy still had his back. He didn’t give him up to the SCPD, and covered for him with Detective Lance. How would he react to the Hood putting an arrow in his own father? Without any prior warning or explanation? His father with whom he’d just managed reconnecting? It would have been a shitfest tbh. Tommy would have been completely blindsided. Even if he was willing to believe Oliver if he told him the truth about Malcolm’s plans, Tommy would have been unlikely to agree murdering him was the only option there (they didn’t even know at that point that Malcolm was the Dark Archer). And even if he did somehow accept that, Oliver would have forever deprived him of the chance to talk to Malcolm, to change his mind or at the very least demand an explanation. Tommy would have had to live the rest of his life not knowing why his father tried to do what he did, wondering if he could have convinced him to stop. It’s just awful tbh. Imagine your best friend just bursting into your dad’s office one day, killing him, and then trying to explain to you that they had good reasons. Oh and, it happened the same night you caught them fucking your ex whom you’re still in love with and whom they encouraged you to fix things with that very day - which should also make you realize that visit was actually just a bullshit excuse to use you to get at your father. That’s such a terrible betrayal.

So, having established that was a pretty horrible thing to do to his best friend, how can we explain Oliver’s decisions that day? Sleeping with Laurel is one thing, attempting to murder his father without a single word of warning another? Did he just not consider Tommy’s feelings? That can’t be it imo. There’s no way he just forgot about Tommy when he went to see Laurel. And there’s no way he just forgot to think about what it would do to Tommy if he just out of the blue put an arrow through his dad’s heart.

The thing is, Oliver has these father issues deeply seared into his brain. The bond between father and child is extremely important to him (all family bonds really, but I think father/child especially resonates with him). In season 1, his own connection with Robert was at the heart of his mission (he was fighting, living, to redeem his father - punishing himself for his sins), and he projected that connection unto Helena and her father, the Restons, even Tommy in 1x16. So, with the reveal that Malcolm Merlyn was the one who sabotaged the Gambit, he realized that to avenge his father (who was murdered by his fucking best friend), to avenge his mother (who’d been blackmailed for years), to avenge his step-father (who had to spend 6 months in captivity), to avenge his little sister (who was abandoned and ended up doing drugs just to cope), to get back at the man at the center of all his suffering (5 years of hell!), and to finally put an end to his father’s mission, he had to kill his best friend’s dad. And I think he was furious about it - his rage, his darkness, all the pain he had to go through, they were all focused on this man. Malcolm was the monster the Hood came back from the Island to stop. But to kill him (to honor his duty to Robert) meant making his brother in all but blood an orphan (breaking this bond he considers sacred - for his best friend in life).

I think what happened is that it was simply too much, and he just walled himself up (you can see him visibly shutting down during his conversation with Tommy in 1x22 when Tommy said he was working closely with his father). Oliver as the Vigilante decided Malcolm Merlyn would face his justice. He made the decision that he needed to die, and knew that probably meant the end of his friendship with Tommy. And it was probably just easier to cope with that, to justify murdering Tommy’s dad, if he could just pretend that Tommy was different from himself. That Tommy was somehow responsible, that he knew. Ergo his speech in the gifset.

So yeah, this is my interpretation of where Oliver’s mind was at wrt Tommy toward the end of season 1. Opinions?

[darkouter]

for barty, i’m going to create a canon divergent continuation bc he deserves to flourish and bug every one of ur muses

first:  a reminder that my barty is book based, tho i might take inspo from the movies cause mixed canon is beautiful

anyways, rather than getting his soul a good succ by a dementor, mcgonagall mcmanages to ward off the dementor with a patronus.  she and cornelius fudge think that they reacted too late, however, and that barty is a Goner.  in reality, he just got overwhelmed with the feeling of hopelessness and despair, not to mention he is TERRIFIED of dementors after being tortured by them in azkaban, so he knocks out from the short encounter.  mcgonagall and fudge try to take control of the situation with the dementor by removing it from the castle, and leave barty unattended (since they think he’s a husk of a person, so they weren’t worried about him leaving; also, they were addled by the whole affair and not being too careful).  barty ends up waking up with no one around, so he makes his getaway.

in my canon, it is Fact that the dementor jumped his bones because voldemort ordered it to, and barty knows this.  he knows that voldemort was making moves on getting the dementors to join him.  barty was a iiability; voldemort knew that he needed a contingency plan in case he was caught.  barty is none too pleased by this betrayal.  his best and worst trait is that he is severely loyal, and having that bond broken is the worst possible thing you could do to hurt him.  he spent over a decade suffering because of his short and anemic time as a death eater, only ever joining due to his admiration and imagined kinship with voldemort.  barty never believed in the cause / cared about being pure-blood or about muggles.  he knew tom riddle wasn’t a pureblood, and voldemort’s relationship with his father reflecting barty’s relationship with his own father is almost entirely the reason he ever created a relationship with voldemort.  he felt understood and cared for, and that’s all he ever wanted; voldemort was like some paternal figure to him, in a sense.  he realizes now that voldemort simply targeted and groomed him due to being barty crouch sr.’s son, and that was a huge tool for voldemort to use.

barty never tortured the longbottoms.  he was present for the event, but it was more or less an induction/hazing of sorts for him by the lestranges.  again, he didn’t really care much for the cause, and most of his time as a death eater was spent as a resource for ministry intel; he spent a lot of time with voldemort personally for the sake of this grooming & information gathering.  really, he didn’t particularly want to participate in that side of death eater activities, and he was in over his head.  he used to be a goody two shoes for most of his life (gotta impress daddy!), and being a death eater was more of an act of teenage rebellion and hitting back at the world for being neglected and abused by his father, as well as his friends joining the group (again, loyalty is his downfall).  he initially got involved because of his friends being death eaters.

for the longest time, however, barty became convinced that he was responsible for the longbottoms ending up in st. mungo’s.  he couldn’t rationalize why his own father would send him to azkaban without bothering to listen to him if he hadn’t done it, so he coped with that feeling of helplessness by reasoning with himself that he had to have done it.  that’s the only way he can have some sense of control over his situation; that he got here for a reason, of his own volition he participated.  he made the choice, and the consequences are logical in that context.  these delusions were fertilized by the dementors slowly making him unhinged; he was on death’s door before his father and mother pulled him out of azkaban because of how badly they were affecting him.

now, in this canon divergent verse, he is on the run.  but he no longer considers himself a death eater.  the dementor’s attempted kiss traumatized him in a way that began to unravel his delusions, shaking him loose from voldemort’s grasp.  everything is becoming quite clear to him.

he is very angry.

he isn’t part of the order or anything.  he’s just picking off death eaters when he can, as it’s the only real thing driving him now.  voldemort was his only motivation before, and he has to grasp for something else now; he picked revenge.  otherwise, he’s blending in with muggles a lot, as that’s the safest space to be for him.  the ministry isn’t prioritizing him as a target like they should because fudge is too damn busy discrediting dumbledore, and he fears that catching barty might result in confessions or evidence that favors dumbledore’s side (”but barty is just a delusional fanatic death eater, so nothing he says would be accurate anyways” is fudge’s logic to back this up).

he’s kind of working through his emotions about how he’s acted now, and that’s where his character arc is at in this verse.  he’s armed with his father’s wand and carries their matching pocket watches with him (guess who has hangups still! maybe you could have worked that out if you hadn’t turned your dad into a fucking femur u dipshit).  he’s been trying to remove the dark mark from his arm obsessively, and it’s kind of self-harm at this point because it’s not supposed to be removable by any means.  he has a permanent “scar” of sorts on his inner forearm, like a patch of discoloration that’s just.......  gray because he’s been experimenting with trying to get rid of the dark mark.  it makes him itchy just knowing it’s there.

also i have settled on a fc finally, here is bryan dechart, a good boy

[maraudeerrs]

youth|peter parker x reader part 6

Summary: in which you have to accompany Peter to visit a friend. Word count: 1973 A/N: I think this is my longest youth chapter yet so woo for that, but honestly I'm starting to really enjoy writing youth so I hope you guys enjoy this as well.

It had been two days after the whole thing with Peter went down and you were avoiding him like the damn plague. If he was in a room you'd leave and if he tried to talk to you, you'd ignore him. But nonetheless, he still tried and kept trying and to be perfectly honest if you'd have to tip your hat off to anything about that boy it would be the willpower he had when It came to you.

But right now you couldn't avoid him, not even as much as you wanted to. Just minutes before your dad had called you and peter up to his office, upon entering you saw Peter already there and rolled your eyes out of habit making your dad give you small glare.

"(Y/n) sit," You dad says as you walk to where he sat at his desk, this whole scenario playing out like a high school detention would. You sat down and waited for you dad to speak. "So it's come to our attention that you guys aren't on speaking right now for some reason," your dad sighed. Was the whole you two avoiding each other really that obvious? You thought to yourself and then remembered to this morning how you walked into the kitchen to find Peter already in there and just straight up stuck the finger at him and went nope. Maybe it was a bit obvious. "so, me, your mum and peters aunt may have come up with a solution. (Y/n) you will be joining Peter at his friends’ house today." Your dad finishes off.

You sit stunned for a moment and then jump out your seat yelling. "Dad what? No, you hate me being around boys anyway." You bring up the boy fact to maybe help change his mind. "I know darling and I still do but I trust Peter," your dad says giving a nod towards Peter, which he returned. Kiss ass. "And it'll do you good to hang out with some people your age instead of being cooped up inside that bedroom all the time."

You roll your eyes getting angrier, "well maybe I like my room and I don't need friends I've gone this long without them no thanks to you." You yell letting the anger take over. Your father's face went dark and you went quite knowing you had just utterly and royally fucked up.

"No (y/n) you will not speak to me in that tone I am your father and you treat me with respect, I understand you do not want to hang out with Peter but we do not want to deal with two mopping teenagers, so the decisions finale and I'm not changing my mind," your father says to you in an angry tone before standing up. "You both may leave now."

You just nod embarrassed and guilty as you didn't mean what you said it just had come out with the anger. You get up letting Peter leave first and then walk out to but your father stops you before you're fully out of the room. "And while you're at it fix your attitude you're growing up, start acting like it."

-

You walk down the hallway moping and absolutely dreading going to peters friends house, you mope till you get your door and throw into open to continue your teen angst in the comfort of your room. You enter and close the door and start to get ready for your already planned day, woohoo. You decide to get dressed first and change into a pair of shorts and a crop top then move onto your hair which is just combed through and left cause you ain't got time for that.

You then grab your phone and head downstairs to wait for the time to leave.

You were sitting on the couch playing some random games on your phone when Peter came down the stairs in a pair of jeans and a jumper that looked big on him but not too big, cute. Shaking the thought out of your head you stand up and walk with him to where the car is and hop in.

Peters aunt may is driving you guys down to queens and makes you and him sit in the back together, probably your mums idea you thought. But nonetheless, you still went and sat next to him realising it was going to be a long thirty minutes.

About ten minutes into the drive you were getting sleepy from no one talking other than the occasional small comment from aunt may.

At fifteen minutes aunt may turn to look at you briefly to ask you a question when she saw you and Peter both asleep cuddled up together. She smiled to herself and turned around vowing to get a picture once she had stopped driving.

You were awoken by a soft voice whispering to you, confused you sat up and looked around frantically not knowing where you were. But after a short thirty-minute panic, you notice it was the inside of peters aunts car and sighed knowing was awaiting you outside of the car. Looking around you had also noticed you were leaning on something or more someone as you turned your head and saw Peter staring right at you.

"What are you staring at?" You snapped, it was common knowledge to not speak, look or breath near you after you had just woken up. Peter didn't seem phased at your harsh tone and just told you softly that you needed to move.

Feeling dumb you just mumble out a sorry and move. As you moved the car went to park in peters friends parking lot.

Once the car was Parked aunt May turned to look you guys "oh you're awake," she smiled at you guys something twinkling in her eyes "were here, you can get out I'll be back to collect you guys at around eight pm, have fun." And with that you and Peter both got out, waving aunt may a goodbye she drove off. As soon as she left Peter turned towards you, "let's go shall we?"

You and Peter make your way towards his friends' door knocking on it lightly, it took his friend a couple of seconds to get to the door but when he did he threw it open a big smile on his face. "Hey, guys come in." He said ushering you guys In. You and Peter enter and you instantly feel awkward, you weren't good with social situations anytime there was attention on you, you got calming and your breathing felt tight which is why you don't really have any friends.

But Peters friend must've noticed your awkwardness and immediately put out his hand for you to shake, "hello I'm ned, peters friend from school" He says with a big kind smile that eases your nerves. So you stick out your hand a small smile of your own and shake his back "I'm (y/n), I'm tony starks daughter," you start "thanks for letting me come over your house is very nice by the way." You say as politely. Ned's smile widens at that, "thank you I and my mum put a lot of work into this."

You smile and nod at that and then bed leads you and Peter both to the couch, "I'm just going to go get some popcorn and blankets and then we can watch a movie?" He asks you both to which you both reply with nods and a yes.

Ned gives a thumbs up and goes off to get the stuff leaving you and Peter alone. "His nice." You say after a minute of silence making Peter look straight at you. "Yeah He is, his my only friend and the only friend anyone would ever need," Peter says smiling fondly while talking about his best friend.

Fuck this fucker for being cute you thought yourself. You nod "you're lucky to have a friendship like that." You say trying to imagine yourself having a friendship this strong and home feeling. "I really am aren't I."

Maybe one day you'll have your own ned. - Ned came back five minutes later carrying two blankets and bowl of popcorn, getting up you helped him with the popcorn to which he said a small thanks to you. After putting the popcorn in a place that you could all reach you want and sat down next to Peter.

You guys were watching some space movie that you had forgotten the name of, but you were watching it intently until you shivered and noticed something, it was cold. You looked next to you and saw that both Ned and Peter were using a blanket each meaning that you'll have to share with one of them, being right next to peter you assumed it would just be easier to use his, so you did.

Pulling the blanket from him a bit you snuggled in next to him, Peter did nothing at this though just moving his arm so you guys would be comfortable and then you both returned to watching the movie.

But halfway through you felt a hand slip into yours, and you didn't move it away.

- "You should give me your number tonight was a blast I'd loved to hang out more." You say to Ned who nods at you excitedly pulling out his phone to share numbers, Peter laughed at you guys. "Come on we need To go (y/n) aunt may is waiting," Peter whined to you still an amused smile on his face.

Finally giving in you pulled ned into a hug and wished him a goodnight and left with Peter. Once in the car aunt may automatically started asking you guys about your time. "It was fun, ned ended being really cool." You say making aunt may smile. "Yes I was always fond of that little nerd he was always polite and smart."'aunt may went on with more small talk with you which you gladly returned, Peter adding in something very known and then.

Unknown to aunt may in the front though you guys sat with hands holding.

-

"We're here." Aunt may says pulling in the garage of stark towers and gets out. "I'm gonna head up cause I'm tired." She says making her leave, she must be staying over tonight you thought. As she left you turned to Peter who was already staring at you.

"(Y/n) why are so closed off towards me?" He asks you softly. You look back and reply voice cracking a bit "I like being in control of my emotions, I've been taught my whole life that I make the rules when it comes to myself so that's what I did," you start peter who was still holding your hand squeezes it. "But when I'm around you I feel like I don't have control and I'm scared so I do what I'm best at, I push you away." You explain to him cringing immediately at being open and also sounding a bit cliched.

Peter sat quietly for awhile making you feel more stupid, so you moved to leave the car when he grabbed you making you turn around. You went to say something but found yourself unable to speak as peters pressed his lips to yours.

The kiss was sweet and soft, no fireworks or explosions just longing. After a few seconds, you both pulled away to breathe and Peter pressed his forehead to yours. "Maybe we can be scared together."

[supergirlimaginesfic-blog]

The Danvers Sisters (the youngest sibling)

Request: could you write some headcannons on being alex and kara's little sister? 

a/n: HECK YEAH I CAN. These are always so fun to do lol, bring it on!! These are more dumb than emotional, I think... I live for the trash and the crack, y’all LOL

Also a little sidenote, headcanon requests (for now, anyway, in my absence) are something I’d be more likely to do since they’re much quicker than coming up with actual prose - those are the ones I really want the most time to focus on. These are just quicker as little flashes of inspiration, and they even help in creating some backstory for the other requests. So that’s just the reason why I’m getting to them before the other prompts, in case anyone was wondering. Have an awesome day y’all :D

- - - - -

it wasn’t always that you were close to your sister, Alex. Life seems to have a different way of handling things than you expect, and you’ve come to learn that things fall into place exactly as they’re meant to; when they’re meant to

you were much younger than Alex, and you figured you had a relationship as ordinary as any other siblings would have. She wouldn’t annoy or pester you, but she would tease you quite often whenever she had the chance - for the most part, you took it in stride, never having seen your sister get close to anything that could be described as malicious

she was always so cool and even at a young age, she just seemed to know what she was about

you, on the other hand, were both parts rambunctious as you were delightful. You spent as much time feeding your untamed imagination as you did swimming the depths of the deep ocean or chartering the vast distances of outer space

Alex never failed to mention how lame you were, but nonetheless joined in whenever the two of you were outside and parkouring on nearly every single thing you could find in your wild savannah adventure

your parents eventually put you into sports to expend your impressive abundance of energy - needless to say you thrived at it, albeit a little too eagerly, if the bruises you got and the fiery competition in your eyes were any indication

you never thought Alex’s loud music was scary or perplexing, you just wouldn’t come to appreciate it until years later on your own; your parents, however, often had to remind her to turn it down several decibels to a humanly acceptable level

when freakin’ Superman himself brought a girl maybe about Alex’s age, maybe a little bit younger to your house and your parents told you she was going to be your new sister, you were ecstatic

now that you saw him, you didn’t really think he was as impressive as you thought he would be, and you said as much. Your mom chastised you and your dad laughed, and Superman winked at you as he took off

Alex, however, was wary about her - she had a better understanding of the implications of having an alien sister; you just thought about how awesome it’d be

your new sister, Kara, shared your room. You were more amenable to the arrangement than Alex would have been (if they’d even asked her, which they didn’t)

you let her pick which bunk she wanted to sleep in, and she merely stared wide-eyed and alarmed at your excitement. Your parents had to remind you that Earth was an entirely new world to her, and it was only then you really considered just how much your new sister needed you

she didn’t talk much, and you were fine with that. You’d get her talking eventually. You spent so many nights speaking seemingly to yourself, but Kara always looked at you with rapt attention, and you always knew she was listening

“What do you mean you don’t have Harry Potter in space? No- wait, you don’t even have to say anything for me to know that look on your face. I have to fix this. I’ll read you every single book, okay?”

much credit should be given to you, because you did, and Kara would start asking you questions about the story or the characters, her mouth still trying to form around new words of an entirely different language

“So magic is just human technology but more advanced?” “Well, not exactly, it’s just... it’s magic.” “Is alien technology considered magic to Earth?” “I mean, I guess it could be.” “Does Hermione love Harry?”

you’d seen less and less of Alex, she was a teenager in high school after all, but sometimes you’d all get together on some nights and watch the stars, all of you intimately aware of Kara’s place in them

rather frequently, you’d hear Kara sniffling from her top bunk, and you’d never fall asleep until you heard her crying cease - you never said anything to her when she did and you never made mention of it in the morning

in your young mind, you thought the best course of action was simply to just distract, and damn were you good at that

you taught Kara how to play soccer, and you think you nearly peed your pants from laughing so hard when you watched her kick an old car tire just a little too hard, and Alex stood watching on the porch like she’d just seen a ghost

you dragged Kara to the park with you constantly, and you’d spend a good majority of your afternoons on the swings - it was a nice feeling to know this was as close you’d experience of the powers of flight that Kara was bestowed with. You suspected it humanized her in some way, and if the content smile she had whenever she swung back was any indication, you think she appreciated the normalcy it gave her

when Kara eventually learned to have much more control of her new powers on Earth, your family spent a day at an amusement park, and you loved the way Kara laughed when she was on the roller coasters

you let Kara go through all your Backstreet Boys and N’Sync CD collections, and you adored her for being the only person you think you ever knew who loved both as undivided and fiercely

Alex absolutely loathed when you two started singing in your bedroom, but you think you’d seen a hint of a smile on her face whenever she stood scolding at your door, but you might have imagined it

she spends less and less time at home and more time being out, and you thus spent even more time around Kara. Alex, in her frequent socializing, simultaneously became more closed off, and you wondered about it - Kara did too

“Does Alex hate me?” “What? No, Alex is just... Alex. She’s always been like that.” “Really?” “Yeah, really, she still loves us though.” “I didn’t have any siblings on Krypton.” “Well, now you have two.”

when Alex was to go off to med school, it wasn’t without proper farewell, and when she spoke to you personally you began to realize just how much you’d miss your oldest sister

“Hey, take care of Kara alright?” “I have, and I will” “Yeah, I know you have. You’re doing a great job... you’ve always been better at it than me.” “We’ll miss you.” “I know.”

Kara went off to college and when it was your turn just a short time after her, you’d shared an apartment, neither of you seeming to not be able to let go of your childhood memories entirely. You got a full-ride scholarship on the basis of playing varsity basketball

throughout the entirety of your experience away from home, she still maintained her normal human persona, and you were set to believe the remainder of your life would continue on that path

Alex, for her part, had gotten into trouble, and after her stint in jail, she’s fixed herself up and found a job as a scientist, you’ve been informed. Admittedly, you were beyond relieved - finally, the sister you always thought was the smartest person you ever knew was putting her brilliance to work

you weren’t jealous when Kara came out to the world and used her powers to save Alex’s flight to Geneva from crashing into the city, but you did ponder how this new development rocked the boat entirely

nobody told you that Alex was a secret government agent working in the extra-terrestrial branch, you figured that out on your own. What was a surprise to you, however, was the fact that it took years to put together that Kara was related to Superman

“Holy shit... how did I not... wow.” “Really, (Y/N)? You’re a Danvers, I can’t believe you.” “Yep, he’s definitely my cousin.” “Clark? Honestly? Did you know I told him he wasn’t as good-looking as I imagined he’d be when I first saw him?” “Oh my god-” “For someone so brainy you’re also a huge idiot.”

you still fight with Kara over the last Ben and Jerry’s pint, but only because you’re far too lazy to have to replenish your stock literally every day

when you came home with a new tattoo, she wouldn’t stop gawking at your arm, and you thought about how adorably fascinated Kara was with human physiology - even with the more you got, Kara would never stop examining them in great length, and you always indulged her

Alex always comes over whenever she can (nearly every night, in fact) and you all have pizza and watch TV

Kara is particularly intrigued by Orphan Black and all the implications of cloning and autonomy

you’ve become more comfortable around Alex now that she’s allowed herself to be softer, and you’ve taken the mantle of being the annoying sister when she brings Maggie to the apartment one night

you live for the scowl on Alex’s face whenever you share embarrassing stories about her, and it’s only made so much better when Kara eagerly joins in and substantiates everything you say

when you take Kara to her first Comic-Con, you never loved yourself more than you did at the very moment you captured Kara’s reaction at seeing all the Supergirl cosplays, and you relished in how dumbstruck but mystified she looked

you still get texts from Kara asking you what certain words mean, or asks for your opinion on which words are better to use in different contexts when she becomes a CatCo journalist

you never would have suspected it, but Kara is as surprisingly intimidating as Alex is whenever you bring someone new home as a date

you always worry about Alex and Kara whenever the security of the city is at stake again (this happens far too often than you care to acknowledge) but the way they come crashing into your apartment and topple onto the couch every single time after a successful battle is enough to remind you that you have two superheroes for sisters

[jokers-sweethearts]

Jokers Daughter Imagine: Kidnapped

Request: (anonymous) Jokers daughter (who’s like a toddler) gets kidnapped while with the family and Jokers son (who’s older) loses his shit before Joker and barely can and he goes on a solo murder rampage to get her back.

Joker sat on the bloodied white carpet in his bedroom, his entire body aching and head pounding. He didn’t even bother to wrap his cut hand up after he punched the mirror. He wanted to feel the blood drip down his fingers, at least he was feeling something again. It had been just a few hours but it felt like centuries to the clown king. He hadn’t felt such a jolt of emotion since before he became the Joker… or he assumed. But when he walked into his daughters room in the morning and found her bed empty and place destroyed, that changed. 

The weight his heart gained almost made him drop to his knees. But the fire that ignited kept him standing as he screamed in agony. A noise that barely sounded human instantly waking his son. When he rushed to the source of the cry with bat and gun in hand, he found Joker approaching her bed like a wild animal. The blanket was ripped off and led over to the open window. On the ledge was droplets of blood. Before his son could say anything Joker ran his pale finger through the blood and licked it clean off. He let the taste of it rest on his tongue before he turned to his remaining child. The corners of his mouth spread to his ears in a wicked grin. Normally the clown prince would smile back at his father, but this particular smile made goosebumps rise all over his body. 

 Joker could hardly remember what happened in between tasting the blood and now sitting on his carpet. He blacked out in his rage as usual. He knew he barked orders at henchmen and cracked a few skulls. Find her find her find her you silly fucking clown. He was screaming at himself in his own head. The thought of his baby girl, his princess of Gotham’s underworld, his heir being in the arms of someone else was twisting his insides around to the point of cold sweats. 

His past, preset, and future for the first time all mingling. Before he went to Arkham and met Harley, he never imagined what he’d find in their love. Their love for violence and chaos. Her desire to break free from reality and make her own world. In her he found an equal he never knew he needed. He knew he was already complete without her. But she gave him more. When she had their children, they didn’t make him whole but made him even more. The entity, the idea of him even larger. Once the Joker tasted something he wanted it and took it and never let it go. It had been so long since someone tested, he never expected this. He was so focused on himself not letting go he didn’t think about someone else taking from him. 

 His daughter ran through his veins like an antidote to the toxin of this city. He craved her cure and now that she was gone, he felt like a disease was over taking him. His anger was what stopped him from fainting, the adrenaline rush it brought. Not being in control unhinged him more than anything and drove him. The guilt began to sink in, he thought of the terror she must be in. He thought of her crying for him and wanting him to rescue her. In an instant he went from guilt to pride. As quick as snapping fingers he basked in the glory of being viewed as a king and waited for like a hero to her. Once again, his emotions flipped and he thought about her waiting as they could be doing anything to her. He was unable to get the image out of his head, someone creeping into her room and grabbing her, right out from his protection. 

As he ran over the details he got more furious. She didn’t scream so they must have covered her mouth. Her pearly teeth hidden behind someones grip. Joker took his gun from the holster and fired shots into the ceiling feeling the drywall hit his shoulders. His hand was the only one allowed to touch her, the smile tattoo on his hand was the only thing allowed to cover her face. When a memory of her laughing as he gave her his tattoo grin came back, he let a decrepit smile cover his face. His eyes in a haze and his head rolling back and forth like a rag doll. He was losing it now. The footsteps pounding towards the door brought him back to reality. If they hadn’t come at that exact moment he might have blown his brains all over the carpet in that lost moment. 

 “Dad!” his son yelled as he barged through the door. “Frost is here! He knows where she is!” The teenager ran to sit by his father. The Joker put his hand on his sons head and ran his fingers through his matching green hair. He still had one child with him. One of the two perfect culmination of himself and Harley. He moved his hand to his sons face and gave him his signature smile. He squeezed so hard he had to stop himself before he bruised his son. He just didn’t want to let go. Even though his heir was right next to him he was afraid someone would take him. 

 “Boss!” Frost said entering the room. As if his son didn’t warn him Joker lifted his weapon. The clown prince put his hand on his fathers arm to lowed the gun and calm him down. “It was one of Monster T’s men” Frost wasted no time. “Revenge I assume. They have her at warehouse downtown. It’s not heavily guarded but there could be a bomb or…”

 “What are we waiting for?” The clown prince jumped up and interrupted. “We have to go get her!” 

 “Sit…. down….” Joker hissed like a snake as the words slithered off his tongue. Joker knew the boy was even more hot headed than him because he didn’t understand strategy. Joker was already so out of control, he wasn’t about to let anything else go wrong. His son with him gave him a sense of sanity. Like he could keep himself more in line now that he saw his son was depending on him like his girl was.  

“Bu… but dad we know where she is we should go” he cautiously replied, still not taking a seat. 

“Kid listen, we all want baby girl back but..” 

“Don’t!” a shot fired into the wall “Call her that!” Joker spat in a rage. 

 Frost had been around long before she was born and watched her grow. He was always allowed to refer to her as that. Hell the whole henchman army knew her as the baby of the family. Most didn’t even know her real name. But Frost had also been around long enough to read his boss. 

 Joker lowered his gun, the hair on the back of his neck settling. She was his girl. If he couldn’t physically possess her right now he’d be damned if someone else claimed her verbally.

“They could have bombs or traps set up, expecting us” Frost continued normally knowing it was his least lethal option. 

 "The risk seems worth it to me". 

Joker began to cackle. “Risk huh? Well s-s-s-on” his hissing unnerved both Frost and the boy. “We’re not risking shit when it comes to your sister. Or all of us and her will be kill-” Joker never hesitated to say the word, he always loved it, but his time it was just too much. 

 "While you sit here they could be doing anything to her!“ the boy shot back, getting angry himself. The defiance brought Joker to his feet. He wanted to grab his son and say he couldn’t lose him too. But the walls Joker still had up deep down wouldn’t let that happen. His fury and confusion mixed together. Joker licked his metal teeth, tasting some blood still left over. It left a sweet taste in his mouth knowing it was his daughters. A piece of her still with him giving comfort but the fact that she was hurt picking away at him. 

 The clown prince saw how dark his fathers eyes got. When they were like that, it was a visual warning not to test him. Then he saw the blood over his teeth, it was a stronger image that confirmed what he had to do. He knew before his father even spoke that he’d have to lie. 

 "Dogs!” Joker yelled and two goons ran in the room, slightly terrified. “Son I need you… to go with them… to your room and wait all right?” He was taking deep breaths in between each word. Trying to remind himself he needed to keep his son calm to make everything go smoothly. 

 "Fine" the clown prince said to Joker’s surprise. “Just get her okay?” he asked his father, for one brief moment his eyes like they were when he was a little boy and his father was his world.

 "Do I ever not get what I want?“ Joker laughed and sent his son on his way.

The goons went to put their hand on his shoulders but Joker shot them a glare that could have melted their flesh and they backed off, letting the kid on his way down the hall. 

“Don’t take your eyes off him!” Joker yelled out one last time. “Now Johnny, give me all the details” Joker got a small gleam in his eye, finally closer to getting his daughter back.

The clown prince moved slowly down the hall way, his heart beating fast at what he was about to do. While his father was a master mind, he relied more on other attributes to help him. When he reached his bedroom door he walked in and turned around looking both the goons in the eyes. They stared back confused for a moment, one opening their mouth to ask the clown prince if he was okay. But before they could, a blade went up through their chins into their brains. Blood began to pour out of their mouths and down out their noses. The clown prince had a knife in both hands and holding the goons steady. He dragged them into his room by the blade before ripping it out and letting them fall on the floor. He took a quick peak out his bedroom to make sure the coast was clear and closed the door. As he was piling the two bodies in front of the closed door he kept whispering to himself. I’m sorry dad. 

He rushed over to his closet and pulled out all the guns and ammo and knives his parents had gifted him over the years and threw them into a backpack. Ready for war. As much as he loved his father, he couldn’t wait. He was his mother’s son. There was no hesitation, just action. He rushed out his bedroom window and down the side of the house and was off downtown to find his sister. Knowing well enough where Monster T’s crew would be. All those years of sitting on his dad’s lap to sitting next to him during meetings came in handy. Joker was so consumed by his own grief and longing for his daughter, he forget just how much it would affect his son. When he was a little boy, his father told him over and over again that he was her protector. He watched as his parents defended and rescued each other, as let it all sink in. Protecting his baby sister was all he knew. 

As he ran down the street, hijacking the first car he found he thought more to himself. “Besides, he’ll come get me”. As confident as the prince was that he could save his sister and as much as his hot head lead him, there was still a part of him that wanted his dad. Never forgetting that Joker would always be there. Whether to pick up the pieces or shatter them. 

“Bring the car around” Joker said as he put his suit jacket on and adjusted his golden rings “We’re going for a drive”. His pride grew more and more and he was back to his normal self. Ready for a rampage and ready to rescue his daughter. He couldn’t wait to see her look up at him like Harley did when he saved her from Belle Reve. Now that he had a plan and it was all guaranteed, he could think about what he would do to the people who took her from him. 

He stormed out of the room and down the hallway ready to begin. He stopped briefly at his sons door, wanting to open it and exclaim about what he’s done and about to do. Wanted to see his sons eyes light up in adoration, but he didn’t. He kept going. He wanted his son safe in his room and never to leave the house again. The paranoia was already setting in. Once his baby girl was back neither of them would be out of his site again.

The cars and people on the streets of Gotham all served and ran for their lives when they saw the purple Lamborghini coming. When it was out they knew the Joker was up to something and it always ended in blood.

The clown prince started to understood his father’s though process of a plan as he stalked the warehouse from across the street. It took everything inside of him not to just run in like bull and knock down everyone in his path, but he knew this was better. He climbed the weak, metal ladder up to the top of the building never taking his eyes off the warehouse for long. When he reached the top he didn’t waste anytime opening up his bag and assembling his sniper rifle. He had been daydreaming about using it on the entire way over. It was painted blue by his mother, trimmed in gold by his father. It felt fitting to save his sister with it. 

He got down low on the roof and hid behind the small wall barrier, looking into each window of the warehouse at Monster T’s crew. Almost in plain sight. He laughed to himself, no wonder his father killed their boss, he hated sloppiness. Just as he was ready to take his first shot, he saw the S.W.A.T van approach.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck” he whispered to himself as he leaned the gun down, only peaking his eyes out to see. Now he wanted his father more than ever, he wanted to warn him of what was happening. 

The van came to a slow stop right in front of the building. A man dressed head to toe in gear and arm stepped out of the passenger side and began walking towards the building. Immediately one of Monster T’s members came out to meet him, he was there waiting. 

“If there a problem…uh… should I call you officer?”

“Shut up!” the SWAT man said in a stern voice. “We got a call about a bomb threat inside this location. Put your hands up!”

The man hesitated unaware of what to do. Knowing that their plan was failing before Joker even showed up. The clown prince watched from above as the SWAT man cuffed the man and shoved him to the ground. 

“Were are all your friends?” 

“I..Inside..” he was breaking down. 

“Do we have to storm in or will they come out willingly?”

Unable to speak anymore from fear, the man began to whistle. The code that the crew had to warn each other went something went wrong. 

From inside the building, in a small locked room on the third floor, two crew members looked at each other. And then back at the little girl.

‘I’m not taking that little bitch downstairs” one shouted.

The whistling continued outside. 

“Look this is our building” the other said running to the window and seeing the SWAT van. “They search the place, find nothing, and then we continue on!”

“Jokers probably watching us now you idiot! If they leave he’ll know we don’t have shit! We need to keep him afraid!”

The whistling was getting louder.

“We need to do something!”

A gunshot echoed through the building and took them both by surprise. 

“Well now our chances are fuckin blown!” the man at the window saw the SWAT man execute his crew member. “I told you that guy was stupid he couldn’t even entertain the guy a little bit!”

They were interrupted by a small cackle that arouse from the small child on the floor.

“Hey! Didn’t I tell you to keep quiet you little shit!” 

But the girl continued to laugh and laugh. 

“It’s no use, she’s just as crazy as her old man” the man said as he got his gun out. “We might as well fight back. But first we kill her. We get pay back for boss”.

He raised his gun up to the little girl, but she didn’t even flinch. It infuriated him. Joker never took them seriously and now his offspring wasn’t either. He moved his foot back and kicked the small child in the ribs. She fell down and let out a cry of pain. But like no time had even passed, she was laughing again.

“What the fuck is so funny you little bitch? Daddy ain’t coming to save you now” he pressed the barrel of his gun to her temple.

“He go bye bye!” she said in the middle of hysterically laughter. 

The man turned to his crew member still at the window and just briefly saw the red glare of a sniper’s aim on the glass before he was shot dead. 

The clown prince was back to his original plan and taking all the men out. When he saw the SWAT man shoot the gun, he knew what was happening even before his father burst out the back of the van and Frost removed his helmet. As they entered into the building and began their rampage he took out the men on the different floors. He saw purple smoke filling up each story of the building as his father moved up. 

The only crew member left was hovering on the ground whimpering in fear as the clown princess continued to laugh. He couldn’t take his eyes off his dead partner, wanting to believe it was all a dream. When the pounding on the door began he did the first thing that came to mind and grabbed the clown princess pointing the gun at the door. 

 The Jokers son wanted to shoot but he didn’t have a a clear shot. His fear and anger rose seeing his sister in harms way and not being able to stop it. He kept his eye on the scope waiting for an opportunity. When he saw his father and Frost enter the room he breathed a sigh of relief. 

 Upon seeing the white face and red lips the clown princess squirmed in the mans arms trying to escape.

 “Daddy!” she called out to him.

 It was just like Joker had imagined. She was looking at him like he was the only man in the world and ready to devote all her love to him. The way he wanted from his children. He was so close to having her all to himself again. But the man holding her from him made his jealousy sore. His obsession with power came to it’s height and he was aching to possess her again. His attention turned to the man preventing that. 

Joker saw him turn almost as pale as his own skin. Frost moved to charge but the man put his gun the girls head. 

 “Just like your boss, no guts. You gonna kill a little girl? Frost snapped.

 "I wouldn’t test me right now” in a shaking voice the man tried to be intimidating.  

“Well well well….. I guess you’re mad at me huh? Aw don’t be like that baby! Its our first date!” Joker toyed with him. The man was unnerved at Jokers ease and began to visibly shake.

 “You took something from me so why shouldn’t I do the same?” he dropped the gun to the floor which surprised Frost but Joker remained on course. The clown princess struggled more and cried in pain from her ribs as the man pulled out a knife and out it at her throat. “But this time you’ll pay for all the people you killed. Not just T.” 

Jokers daughter began to cry more. She had never felt the blade of a knife besides the one her father gave her to play with. For the first time in her short life she felt fear like she wasn’t invincible. She squirmed around in his arms causing him to stumble all around.

 Joker was far past joking or trying to manipulate. He growled like a lion about to fight for their cub and lunged at the man. All plans and strategy gone. Now he understood what his son was thinking. Just as he made contact with the man a shot rang out and blood sprayed over the floor. All tree bodies fell to the floor as Frost ran to the window. He was frozen in shock when he saw him. 

 The clown prince was on the verge of hyperventilating. His anger got the best of him and he fired the first shot he saw as his best chance. Not expecting his father to jump in front of the man. 

 The clown princess pushed herself off the ground and wrapped her arms around her little body in pain as she went over to her father. He was face up but not moving. She put her small hands on his cheeks and raised them up to make him smile, but it wouldn’t stay. The blood kept pouring out of his body. 

“Daddy….” she said, in a fragile voice. 

 The man who had kept her from him tried to crawl away. The bullet had gone through Joker and struck him in the middle of the chest. He was gasping for air. The clown princess began to cry and collapse onto the floor next to her father. The man saw it and laughed as best he could to mock it all. Frost stood in horror unable to process it. He got his gun out ready to at least put the animal out of his misery. 

 “See?” he coughed and blood poured out of his mouth “Daddy ain’t gonna sa” 

Before he could finish a knife dug into his ankle and he cried out in pain. A deep and slow cackle followed. The Joker sat up holding his shoulder where the bullet went through and clawed at the mans other ankle. He shrieked as he tried to get away but Joker was too strong. The clown king climbed on top of him, dragging his knife along his flesh as he went. 

 “What I don’t get a goodbye kiss to end our date?” he smirked before turning the knife around and slamming the handle into the mans forehead. It cracked his skull but he was still alive. Joker kept going and going feeling the blood splash on him. He couldn’t contain his laughter as again he was gaining control. As his plan was working and he was the hero in his own twisted story. His daughters laughs behind him only made him hit harder. She was his again. This wasn't like how he usually did it. It was the same brutality but without the suave and style his usual tactic was. This was just pure barbaric killing. Joker never felt more like a human man than when this primal instinct over. He didn't like being a man. He like being the Joker. So he finished the job. 

With one last fatal blow, Joker put the knife through the mans head until it hit the ground behind him. He breathed out deep before letting out a cry almost identical to the one he let out when he saw his daughter missing. In a bloody mess he turned around to see his girl and opened up his arms. Without minding the gore or any care in the world she ran to his arms. Joker basked in the glory of being the alpha male in her life. He held her tightly. He wasn't going to let anyone touch her again. Mine. Mine. Mine. He kept saying to himself. 

Frost came over as Joker stood up eyeing his wound. "Is it bad boss?" 

 "The bat's given me worse" he snapped back smiling. Frost could see he was his normal self again. Well as normal as the Joker could get.

 The clown prince was halfway across the street when he felt like collapsing. He wanted to run in and try and salvage what was left but feared after he murdered his father, his sister was surely gone. He felt like turning a gun on himself. With all the strength he had left he made it to the open doors of the warehouse. He saw two figures approaching as the purple smoked cleared.

 "Da..dad?" he softly let out in a raspy voice seeing a glimpse of green hair. Joker hurried over to his son, his laugh getting louder as he saw the stunned look on his sons face. "I thought...." he couldn't get any thoughts out. 

Joker held his free hand up while he held his daughter in the other. Her face was buried in his shoulder and arms tightly around his neck. The clown prince felt the dizziness and sickness in his stomach vanish when he saw her safe, and in the safest place in the world, their fathers arms. 

Joker contemplated what to do. The last man who took a shot at him was skinned alive. But looking at his son he couldn't help but he proud of what he did and a bit disappointed his son wasn't a good shot as he was still living. He looked deep into his heirs eyes and gave a crooked smile. Just like his mother he thought. 

The clown princes attention was brought back to his father when he felt the fingers on his lips. Joker ran his bloody fingertip along his sons face to give him a smile. His hand tattoo was wrapped around his princess so he gave his son the next best thing. 

 "Didn't I tell you I always get what I want?"

[funkymbtifiction]

Is it an unhealthy use of Fi if ever the user doesn't think about how other people feel when there's so much turmoil on the inside that the user can't even fix? An example of this would be me figuring out how to control my emotions towards someone that I don't get to think about how my actions are actually causing him to feel uncomfortable. I just thought that the feeling I have towards him and giving to him isn't really a problem until he told me he feels uncomfortable because of it.

This is extremely common in Fi types, but you know what? I don’t think it’s necessarily unhealthy. I think it’s normal. I’m not really thinking about how you may feel in response to my answers as I write this; I’m just focused on answering you!

The natural preoccupation of an introverted function is pointed toward one’s internal mechanics. Introverted Feeling therefore is preoccupied with how it feels over the needs of others, simply because what is going on inside the Fi user is so incredibly intense, it’s hard to divert energy outside oneself when one is having strong emotions. If I am upset, or depressed, or hurt, it is extraordinarily difficult for me to tune in to other people or to notice how I am making them feel. In truth, I simply do not care. I feel like I am dealing with a hurricane inside me; they can wait until I have figured out how to find the eye of the storm.

That does not make me a bad person, unless I am being horrible to them.

I found myself in a bad mood the other day and snapping at people. I did not like it, so I stepped back and asked, “Okay, girl, what is REALLY going on? You know damn well that the things you’re mad about today do not really upset you. 99% of the time, you are super chill and nothing upsets you.” Turns out, I was anxious about my kitten’s first trip to the vet and channeling that anxious energy into “anger.” I directed it into taking issue with minor problems, nitpicks, insults, and misunderstandings instead of saying: “I’m anxious, but it will all be fine.”

Here’s my take, as a Fi user / my life emotional mantra:

Your emotions are your responsibility. You cannot control how others treat you, but you can control how you respond and how you treat other people. If your feelings are out of control or causing pain, you have to reign them in.

Your mental well being takes precedence, because you are all you have. Guess who the one person you are going to spend your entire life with is? You. Thus it is in the best interest of yourself to take care of your mental health. If this means staying away from toxic people or those who bring out the worst in you, so be it. If this means you need alone time to deal with your feelings, so be it. If this means you have to stand up for yourself, so be it. But you owe it to yourself to be the healthiest person you can be, emotionally; so it’s up to you to find out what works, what you believe, what matters most to you, and stand by it.

You should value other people’s feelings as you value your own. Since you automatically have a Fi thing where you think, “But I wouldn’t want someone to treat me like that,” you probably already have an idea of how to treat other people as human beings with feelings. Part of respecting other people is listening to them even when you are in pain and learning and abiding by their boundaries. If someone says, “Please don’t do that to me, it makes me uncomfortable,” you need to stop doing it out of respect for them.

I had a bad habit as a teenager (call it my “rebellious” phase) where I would push my dad’s buttons all the time for kicks. I never once thought about how he might feel; I was too wrapped up in my own moodiness. Once I matured, and felt guilt for being unnecessarily rude, I realized what I was doing was causing him anguish and was unnecessarily cruel, and I would not like others doing that to me – and I stopped. I now direct those energies (my natural intuition into how people tick) into being a peacemaker between him and my brother, who also pushes his buttons but not intentionally; I use it to solve their communication problems and diffuse anger before it erupts. The feeling that leaves me with is so much more amazing than the selfish emotions I had from causing trouble.

There’s a reason Fe’s think Fi’s are “selfish.” Plain truth: it’s hard for us to look beyond ourselves to other people, and our compassionate treatment of others is often tied to our own wants, beliefs, and desires. (”Well, I would not want to drive that far, so she doesn’t want to drive that far, either.”) The “selfishness” is something we cannot help, in the sense that we have literally no choice but to deal with our emotions and our morals FIRST. Because we are not “tuned in” to other people emotionally, when we people please (to avoid conflict, so we don’t have to deal with other people’s emotional angst)… we get it wrong. The solution is effective communication and to train yourself to actually think about how the other person feels by asking them what they want.

I had a miscommunication this week with a friend, where I realized she thinks she has to take a day off from work to visit me whenever she drives out. When she worried that she could not get a day off (and therefore could not come) this weekend, it was an enormous relief to her to have me say, “Come anyway, we can have fun over a single night.” She thought I always wanted her for two nights, because that’s how it’s always been. I, meanwhile, thought SHE always wanted to come for two nights. I never imagined she thought that my invitation to come hang out only referred to two night stays! I had never invited her for one night, because I would not want to make that long drive just to stay one night. I was thinking about how I would feel, and assuming she was the same; when she is the opposite. As an SFJ, she would be happy with one night, so long as she got to see me, and talk, and do things, and have a brief break from work.

I am gradually learning to tune in to my friends… and ask them questions. I think sometimes my fear of conflict or hurting their feelings is unnecessary; because open, emotionless, curious conversation does not hurt feelings and in this case, could have saved her endless angst (”Can I get time off???”). 

Ideally, a Fi needs to figure out how to handle and deal with their own emotions in ways that do not cause collateral damage; they need to mature to the point where they know what battles to fight and what insults to take personally, so they have more energy to divert toward paying attention to their friends and family’s emotional responses. A Fi will never “read” the emotions the way a Fe does, but a Fi CAN learn to be socially appropriate and ask what the other person wants. If anything, Te users like to have their cards on the table, but a high Fi can be too shy to ask, “What do you want from me? From this relationship? Am I giving you what you want and need?”

But sometimes, asking is what the Fi needs to do.

- ENFP Mod

[krism98]

You need Help

Requested by anon: “Okay how about this: an imagine when you are Sammy Wilk’s little sister and get to hang out wth Skate and the Jacks and you have anorexia (but they do not know) and they somehow figure that out and they try to make admit that you are sick and you brake into tears and Sammy comes in and he doesn’t know and he gets angry at the boys but in the end they help you (sorry if this is incomprehensible) tnx honey”

Guys, I just wanted to say this before I get into writing the imagine. I suffered from anorexia for almost 8 years, and it’s not worth it. You end up sick and potentially dying from starvation and malnutrition. It is not worth it. I had to retrain myself to actually accept food into my system without making me throw it back up because I was so used to not eating that my body adapted to it. If you need to talk to someone about it, hit me up. I’m not a professional but I am a survivor. Stay beautiful!

~

Being a teenage girl is hard enough. Being the little sister to a famous music artist is almost impossible. Constantly I’m being watched and criticized by people. My brothers fans. My brother is the heart throb Sammy Wilkinson. Oddly enough we get along great. He’s especially protective over me. I love it, but I also hate it. His fans are so brutal. They’re always picking me apart. Especially my weight. I’m not the sinniest girl ever. I weigh 140 lbs. I know, I’m gross. I have been controlling my portion sizes and have been losing mad weight. 

I walk into my basement, Skate and the Jack’s waiting for Sammy to come back from his alcohol and weed run. 

“Aye, look! Baby Wilk came down!” I roll my eyes. Being the youngest Wilkinson comes with some nicknames.

“I’m not a baby, Skate. And I got bored.” I bounded over, leaning against the wall. 

“Y/N, you don’t have to stand. Just come over here and sit on my lap.” Skate said, causing me to laugh.

“Nah, I don’t want to hurt you.” I laughed casually, but internally I was already crossing out dinner tonight. I squeaked as an arm grabbed my middle and drew me in. Johnson. 

“Damn, you practically weigh nothing. And I can feel your ribs and hip bones. Are you sick?”

“No, I’m completely fine. I guess my bab fat is finally dropping away. It took long enough.” I giggled. 

“You haven’t had babyfat since midde school. Losing that made you still look healthy. This,” he motioned to my body. “This isn’t healthy.” 

“Now that I think about it, I can’t remember the last time I saw you eat something.” Gilinsky said, sitting on the edge of his seat. “And I practically live here.” 

“You’r starving yourself, aren’t you?” Johnson said quietly, his voice thick with emotion. “You’re anorexic. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You’ll wind up sick and weak in the hospital. Or worse, it’ll kill you.” 

“I’m not anorexic. I’m just getting rid of extra weight that I don’t need.” I responded, defensively. I stood, but it was too quick and my vision started to fade in and out. I wobbled before being pulled down once more. “Let me go, I’m fine!” I yelled, struggling and crying. I almost didn’t hear the footsteps thundering down the stairs.

“What the hell?! If he wants to be let alone, then let my litle sister be alone. She can’t tolerate you guys all the time.” Sam yelled.

“Dude, she’s anorexic! We were just trying to get through to her and make her realize that she needs to stop starving herself and get professional help. You should know better than to think we would forceher to say.” Johnson yells, silencing the room aside from my sobs. Sam’s face contorted into an unreadable expression.

“Y/N, tell me he’s lying.Tellme you’re not starvinf yourself to lose weight. You never needed to lose any at all.” His voice cracked, and I sniffed before starting my previous explanation. 

“I’m not anorexic. I’m not starving myself. I’m taking control of what I eat and how much. There’s a difference.” Sammy let tears flow freely. 

“Sis, that’s anorexia. You just don’t realize it. I can see your ribs now, your hip bones protrude, and your collar bone sticks out in a way that isn’t normal. You need help.” I rolled my eyes and tried to escape, except this time I did pass out.

~

I woke up to the sounds of beeping and the smell of rubbing alcohol. The blankets were awkward and the lights were too bright. I was suddenly aware of something stuck to the top of my left hand. I groaned in frustration and then growled in anger. I was in the hospital. And judging by the way the room was set up and how sturdy the door was, I was in the mental ward. I looked over by the window, seeing Sammy standing by it and gazing out. 

“Why did you do this to me?” my voice croaked. 

“You passed out and needed help, so mom and dad let me admit you here. They know, and so do Ben, Annie, and Emily.” I saw red.

“Get the hell out of my room! I hate you for bringing me here, and I wish you were never my brother! get out!” I screamed, throwing my pillow and anything else light enough for me to lift. I didn’t see him until I was released six months later. I had finally come to terms with my sickness. Every day I felt bad for how I treated Sam. I stepped out of the rehab facility, and he was the first one I saw. I started crying and ran into his arms. 

“I love you sis.”

“i love you too Bubby.”

[misssophie23]

Can I Be Happy, Living With Your Ghost?

You never forget your first love. Never. Especially not when they keep being your best friend, like Bellamy and Clarke. They both moved on with different people, but their hearts hadn't forgotten where they truly belonged. But Bellamy and Clarke always had the worst timing and life is a bitch , so they have to go through a lot before finding what they really want - or who. Their poor friends, they don't have an easy time with them. Never had and probably never will.

Because we are all suckers for ex-lovers, angst and slowburn!

Read on AO3

Thanks to my betas Marie and and-so-we-meet-again

Chapter One:  Better Than Me

Flashback to summer 2007 ... Clarke and Bellamy met each other's parents for the very first time ... Clarke's POV

June 2007

She looked at her parents nervously. Her heart was racing, her palms sweaty and everything in her head was spinning. Would they like him? Would they think that he was good enough for her? Despite that, she didn‘t care even if her parents thought he wasn‘t.

 She liked this guy, very much. He made her laugh. He made her feel comfortable. She could tell him everything and be herself around him, no matter what. He didn‘t judge her – not anymore.

 They were together for a few weeks only but she knew what kind of feelings she felt when she was with him. When she was thinking about him. It was trust and respect and pure love.

 She fell head over heals for him. He was her everything. The most important person in her life. Her big love. She couldn‘t imagine being without him. She even hated not being with him while she slept.

 He did funny things to her body, to her mind and she enjoyed every second. And so did he. She knew because they were writing and speaking to each other all day and all night when they weren‘t together. She even sneaked out of her bedroom a few times to spend time with him.

 It was very exciting and somehow dangerous because no one knew. They didn‘t want anyone to find out. It was a secret. Their secret … for different reasons. On one hand they liked the tension that was created by keeping it a secret.

 On the other hand, and the more important reason, they were scared that the acknowledgement of their relationship by others would destroy its beauty. That they (and their feelings) weren‘t strong enough for not caring about what others were thinking.

 Apparently they were. They started with their friends, who were happy for both of them. Who didn’t give a damn about social differences and disparities. Her, the golden princess with wealthy parents and him, the rebel king without any money but a heart as good as gold.

 Two different people. Two different societies and yet they had found each other.

 Normally she wouldn’t say or believe it but it was like he was her perfect match, her soulmate. So meeting each other's parents was such a big and important thing.

 “And?” Asked Clarke shortly, biting her bottom lip in impatience.

 They just said goodbye to Bellamy’s mother and him who’d spent the last three hours in the Griffin’s house.

 It was the first meeting at all.

 Clarke had been incredibly nervous to make a good impression on Aurora, while Bellamy tried to impress the hosts. For anyone who wasn’t Bellamy and Clarke it must have been a quite enjoyable and funny night. Two teenagers meeting the others parents for the first time, trying to make a good impression and also helping the other not to go down under their parents glances.

 Jake and Abby exchanged an amused smile, which made Clarke even more nervous and a little furious. At these times she really hated her parents. They loved teasing her. When her face heated up Jake barked out a laugh and put his arm around his daughter.

 “Oh kiddo, don’t be mad at us for loving you and thinking how cute you are.” He squeezed her closer, making Clarke roll her eyes and shoving him away – a little.

 “Don’t mess with me, dad. You know how important this was to me.”

 “I know,” said her father, now more serious.

 A little too serious if you asked Clarke. Great – they didn’t like him.

 Panic started in Clarke’s head. She would tell her parents that it didn’t matter if they like Bellamy. That she was planning to keep seeing him no matter what, but obviously she didn’t have to because her mother smiled from one ear to another and her dad’s breast swell with pride.

 “You like him?”

 Her voice was high pitched, anxious and excited at once. Her heart was jumping harder in its ribcage. Her knees went weak, but not as much as she thought because Clarke jumped when her parents nodded to her question. A loud squeal from the blonde made Abby and Jake laugh again and this time Clarke didn’t care.

 They liked Bellamy Blake. The guy she liked.

Her boyfriend.

 “I think he is a very decent young man,” smiled Abby and Jake added,

 “Very charming and responsible.”

 “He really is,” grinned Clarke. The happiness spreading through her bones and over her face. “I really like him.”

 “We could tell.”

 “And he likes you just as much.”

 Clarke’s heart busted wildly. She was relieved, so fucking relieved that her parents liked Bellamy. She had to tell him. Like, right now. She needed to tell him that her parents liked him. She wanted to share the relief and the happiness she was feeling because everything seemed to be okay and alright.

 “And what do you think about Aurora?” Interfered Jake into Clarke’s thoughts and her high got ticked-off a little.

 What was his mother thinking about her? What was Clarke thinking about her?

 Aurora had been nice and polite to her, but didn’t give any indication away how she felt about Clarke … or her life. Did she like her? Did it matter to Bellamy what his mom was thinking?

 Of course they both had said that they didn’t care but the truth was – it was the most important thing to both of them.

 That their parents liked the other one. She wasn’t sure if Bellamy would stay with her if his mother didn’t approve. But why shouldn’t she? Clarke didn’t do anything to offend her, right?

 She didn’t feel uncomfortable or had been subtly mad. Aurora was a parent just like hers. One who probably didn’t want to judge to early or who gave anything away too easily.

 Clarke started chewing on her bottom lip again, kneading her palms. “I think she is nice and likable?”

 Jake’s frowning lightened up a little, which made Clarke feeling a little better, a little safer.

 “She seems like a nice woman. Maybe a little quiet but you can’t blame her … when your mom is the one who always talks every time.”

 Her father winked at Clarke and Abby slapped her husband into the shoulder, offended,

 “This is absolutely not true Jake!” All three of them started to laugh.

 “I’m sure she likes you Clarke. Don’t worry about it. She is a mother. And there is nothing more important to us than seeing our kids happy,” smoothed Abby, whipping Clarke’s last worries away.

 And with that she rushed upstairs into her bedroom, heart still filled with joy when she scrolled through her contacts to call Bellamy.

  The sound of her heartbeat was echoing through her ears, exciting and desperate for talking to her boyfriend about the evening. She bit her bottom lip down to stop grinning like a goofy, even though it seemed like forever for Bellamy to pick up. Which was unusual because he normally picked up at the first ringing.

 But the moment the ringing stopped and she heard him breathing on the other end of the line it busted out of her. Clarke couldn’t keep it in any longer,

 “My parents like you!”

 She squealed out of joy. The grin on her lips was so big that it started to hurt but Clarke didn’t care. She was happy. Her parents liked Bellamy.

 “Well, this is good, isn’t it?” Chuckled Bellamy and Clarke nodded, despite that Bellamy couldn’t see her. But she wished he was.

 “Oh I wish you were here Bell.”

 “Me too.”

 This time he sounded sad. And it wasn’t the usual ‘I miss you’ five minutes later after they had seen each other. It was a different sound, like something was on his mind. She didn’t hear this voice often in the last weeks, so it scared her even more. The grin faded a little, her heart beat faster.

 She frowned, “Something wrong?”

 Silence. Silence was never good. Silence was bad. Worse than bad!

 “Bellamy?”

 She heard him swallowing. Her stomach tightened. A cold shiver ran down her back. He breathed through his nose loudly before his rough voice reached her ear.

 “I just miss you.”

 His voice was thick, like he was trying not to cry. Not letting it out, keeping his emotions in check. This time it was Clarke who swallowed thickly. Her throat glued together, her heart jumping in the chest but not because of joy but because of worries.

 Clarke felt tears pooling in her eyes because his words, his voice, told her that something was wrong. How could it be? They just had a wonderful evening together. He had been away for half an hour, forty minutes max. What the fuck happened that he was like this? That he sounded so broken … .

 The first tear fell and Clarke whipped it away furiously, taking a deep breath before speaking to Bellamy, trying to keep her voice under control. He didn’t have to know she was crying.

 “Bellamy, please tell me what happened. You are scaring the hell out of me.”

 “Don’t cry on me princess,” begged Bellamy, panic in his voice.

 She knew that he hated seeing her cry. And she hated that he knew even though he wasn’t here. That she couldn’t keep her voice in check so he wouldn’t notice.

 “I’m not.” Lied Clarke and her voice broke at the end. She sniffled, pressing her hand on her eyes, telling her body to stop producing tears.

 “You are.”

 “Then tell me what your fucking problem is!” Screamed Clarke into the speaker and tears rolled over her cheeks.

 “Did I do something wrong tonight?”

 “No -”

 “Was it something my parents did?”

 “No, no Clarke everything was just great tonight. It -”

 Again she cut him off, furious and mad that he didn’t tell her what happened.

 “But it has to be -”

 “It’s my mom Clarke, okay?!”

 He yelled into the phone, his voice mad and desperate at the same time. Her heart skipped a beat. His mother?

 “Did, did something happen? Is she okay?”

 Her words were shaking. She felt bad for forcing him to tell her just because she thought she did something wrong and couldn’t handle being left in the dark.

 There was a loud sigh on the end of the line. “She’s fine.”

 “O-okay … she, she doesn’t like me?”

 “No, she does. She thinks you are a great girl.”

 Clarke didn’t get anything. What was the problem then, if she was okay and Aurora liked Clarke? Clarke licked her lips, shaking her head. “I don’t get it Bellamy.”

 He sighed, long and loud. Then,

 “She … she doesn’t think it’s right.”

 “What does she mean by that?”

 Clarke was afraid of his answer because she already knew it. She knew and still couldn’t understand. The evening had been great. They had had fun, despite Aurora had been a little quiet – she never looked like she felt uncomfortable or anything.

 The blonde swallowed, the time ticking by. Second by second and Bellamy didn’t say anything and yet so much.

 So Clarke grabbed all her strength together and asked what she was afraid of,

 “And what does this mean?”

 “I don’t know. It’s just – somehow she is right.”

 “Right about what?”

 Her voice echoed in her head, hoarsely. Her heartbeat picked up. Was Bellamy thinking what Clarke thought he was? The palm she was holding her phone in sweated. Her heartbeat was loud and hard.

 “She said that, look Clarke, you and your parents … you live in a completely different world than us. You have money and so many great opportunities. Me, I’ll never be able to give you what you need. I’ll never earn enough money to make your dreams come true. There won’t be any holidays in New York or in Europe. No big house and fancy dresses or jewels. I won’t go to a big university and become a doctor or judge. I’ll be stuck here forever and I don’t want to bring you down. I won’t let you give up your dreams and chances. You deserve more than the life I can offer. Much more. You, you don’t fit into my world in the long run.”

 His voice was low and thick, rough and shaking. Just like Clarke’s whole body. Her heart beat so fast she was sure if it would go a little faster she would die. Her stomach wrenched, one shiver after the other ran down her back, making her sick.

 Tears dropping down her cheek because of his words. It took all her strength to speak again, the fear of him breaking up with her, right in her heart.

 “That’s not true Bellamy. And you know that. You don’t know what I want and what I need. Maybe I don’t want a life like my parents have, okay? Maybe all I want is you, no matter what. May-maybe I don’t give a shit about money and opportunities. This is not fair and you know that … just because your mom –“

 “It’s not only because of my mom Clarke. We both knew about this –“

 “Exactly! This is why I don’t understand why it’s such a big problem right now. Which it isn’t for me! You know that I don’t care about money –“

 “Not now!” Bellamy cut her off and he sounded sour. Clarke huffed offended, “You don’t –“

 “Come on Clarke, we both know that you want to study at Yale or Harvard or abroad.”

 “Maybe I don’t want –“ Tried Clarke, but Bellamy cut her short again.

 “And I don’t want to be the reason for you not to go, okay? I couldn’t live with that.”

 “You could come with me!” Suggested Clarke and her voice was filled with tears.

 She pulled her legs closer, wrapping her arm around it and wobbling. Clarke couldn’t believe Bellamy and her first fight was about their relationship as a whole … and would probably end with a break up … which she didn’t want to. Why couldn’t he see this? Why couldn’t he stop saying all these things? Things that were hurting her, making her cry and sick.

 “You know I can’t afford to live in a city like Cambridge. How would I earn money? With a job as what? A janitor?” He scoffed. “Yeah, amazing future prospects.”

 Clarke squeezed her eyes shot. She was shaking her head, sobbing into the phone. Her heart breaking with every beat. How could this happened? They had such a nice evening and now she was talking to Bellamy who … who tried to break things with her?!

 “Clarke,” his voice was gentle, worry flew with it.

 “Please,” he pleaded (his voice rough from hiding the tears) and she knew he hated it when she was crying but he couldn’t really blame her, right?

 “Clarke, please I –“

 “What do you want from me Bellamy?!” Nagged Clarke furiously into the speaker, biting her lip down to suppress another whimper. She heard him swallowing.

 “What am I supposed to do, huh? You are trying to break up with me and –“

 “I don’t want to Clarke!” Insisted Bellamy and said, “I just don’t want to ruin everything for you. Can’t you understand that?”

 “No. No I can’t understand that Bellamy! Because this is exactly what you are doing right now. Ruining everything by telling me these things. I am happy, okay? I am happy with you right now and I don’t care about what people think. I don’t care what I want for the future, because I frigging don’t know myself, okay? I just want to be with you. Only you. I don’t care if your mom thinks we’re not worth it. That we won’t make it! I just don’t want us to break up. Not like this. Not over the phone, not after tonight … not at all! All I want is to be with you. Why don’t you get that? I decide what is good for me and not you or your mom or my parents. Only me!”

 Her whole body was shaking, she tasted salt on her lips, from all the tears she was crying. Her hand whipped them away and she got out of her bed, knees so weak she had to remain where she was for a second because she was too afraid of falling.

 “I’ll come over right now!” She demanded, Bellamy trying to stop her.

 “No. It’s storming outside Clarke! I won’t let you walk over. It’s too dangerous.”

“I don’t care Bellamy! I won’t let you break up with me over the phone!”

 “I am not Clarke. I promise. I’ll come over tomorrow, okay? Please – be reasonable. I don’t want you to get out of there and –“

 “Sorry,” said Clarke and ended the call.

 She switched off her phone and whipped away the tears. She was 16 but still couldn’t drive – getting a driver licenses was harder than she thought it would be – so walking was her only choice. She didn’t care what Bellamy told her, she would go to see him!

 The blonde took a few more breaths before heading downstairs, hoping her parents wouldn’t notice her red and swollen eyes, her thick voice when she told them goodbye, but of course it was different.

 The moment she said, “I’m heading to Bellamy’s”, her parents knew something was wrong. They turned around and Abby got out of her seat so quick that Clarke wondered why the chair wasn’t falling onto the ground.

 “What happened?” Asked the blonde worried and Jake switched off the television, eyeing Clarke closely.

 She had to stay strong, Clarke told herself. She couldn’t break into tears again. She –

 She started crying the moment Abby put her hand on her shoulder. The woman pulled her daughter into a hug, wrapping her arms around Clarke and hushing softly. Clarke sobbed into her mother’s shirt while trying not to fall apart.

 “B-B-Bell-Bellamy …”

 “Did something happen to him?” Asked Jake and got off the couch alarmed.

 “No … no, he …” Clarke couldn’t say the words without falling apart.

 She clenched closer to her mother, who was holding her more firmly. It took Clarke a few moments before trying to tell her parents what happened a second time. At this moment the phone was ringing and Jake disappeared, while Clarke spoke to her mother.

“He … his mother said that, that I don’t fit into, into their … he isn’t good enough and wants to … I think he wants to end this because he, he doesn’t want me to give up everything and …”

 Tears were stopping her from speaking any further. This wasn’t fair. This was everything but fair.

 “Oh honey,” sighed Abby into Clarke’s hair and swaying them a little.

 Clarke took a deep, shaky breath. The familiar scent of her mother calmed her down. She made her feel safe and comfortable. Like everything was alright and nothing could happen as long as she stayed in these arms.

 It was the moment Jake came back into the living room.

 “It was Bellamy.”

 Clarke’s head shot up, eyes red and her head already hurting like hell.

 “He was worried because he couldn’t reach you on your phone. He said you wanted to walk over?” Her father’s eyes gazed outside the window, before turning back at her.

 Clarke swallowed. “Yeah, I –“

 “I’ll drive you over,” said Abby and Clarke knew that by the sound of her mother’s voice that it was final. That she wouldn’t accept any arguments.

 That didn’t mean Clarke wasn’t trying to refuse her offer,

 “No. I can take the bus mom. It’s late and I don’t know –“

 “This is exactly the reason why I’ll drive you Clarke! It’s late, it’s storming outside and you aren’t in your best condition. Like hell I will let my only daughter walk through this hell! I will drive you to Bellamy’s and if you want I can wait outside, okay?”

 Abby took Clarke’s face into her hands. The younger Griffin swallowed.

 “You aren’t alone Clarke. No matter what happen. Your dad and I will always be there for you. And you can call us at any time. We’ll always come for you and pick you up. Okay?”

 Her lips were shaking again. Clarke nodded and shot her eyes close for a second before breathing out loudly.

 “We love you Clarke,” mumbled Abby and kissed her daughter’s forehead.

 “I love you too.” Returned Clarke softly before both women hit the road across the down to the Blake’s house.

[juniper-and-lamplight]

Recent Reads--April 30, 2017

I’ve recently realized that it has been SIX MONTHS since I made a rec list, which is just…not on. So here’s a collection of fic I’ve consumed in those six months. You’ll notice it skews even more strongly than usual towards Johnlock–the blame for this rests squarely on Moffat and Gatiss for messing up Sherlock season 4 SO SEVERELY that I required excessive amounts of fic in order to recover. (J/k, I’ll never recover!) However, there ARE a few other fandoms and ships in here, so please have a little scroll-through, read what appeals you, and be sure to leave some love for the authors & podficcers <3</p>

His Name Is John Watson - ampersand_ch, translated by SwissMiss - 19k, Explicit, Holmes/Watson “A summer’s idyll in Sussex. Holmes and Watson seek some peace and quiet. But that’s not as simple as they imagine.” A gorgeous casefic in which Holmes and Watson confront the depth and intensity of their connection.

Speaker for the Bees - antietamfalls - 14k, Mature, John/Sherlock, AU “It isn’t always easy assisting a deaf detective. Luckily for John, they make a pretty good team.” After reading a completely different romance with a Deaf protagonist, I got curious and read a whole bunch of deaf Sherlock fic, and this one emerged as my favorite.

(Never) Turn Your Back to the Sea - @discordantwords - 40k, Mature, John/Sherlock “Baker Street is very much the same. Only different. And Sherlock is just trying not to drown.” I saw this fic recced all over Tumblr for weeks before I finally got over my fear of in-depth post-season-4 fic and read it myself, thus verifying that HOLY WOW YES the hype was deserved. The way the author captures Sherlock’s internal voice in this fic feels SO TRUE–his shattered hubris, his desperate resistance to vulnerability, and the believable way he and John finally get through it all is spot-on. This fic repaired some of the damage that season 4 inflicted on my heart.

look west from London - @fahye - 4k, Teen and up, John/Sherlock but only in the background, AU “There are almost no lies in the way that Molly presents herself, only omissions.” A wonderfully uneasy and darkish character study of Molly, and how she might have actually helped Sherlock fake his death.

The Price We Pay for Wings - Frayach, read by raitala - 13k, 80min, Mature (Harry/Draco, HP) “Scorpius Draconis Eltanin Malfoy read the first book in the Alford Ocamy series over Christmas hols when he was eleven. Well, he didn’t so much “read” it as he devoured it.” I CRIED ACTUAL LITERAL TEARS LISTENING TO THIS. Raitala’s podfic performance makes this already intense and moving story feel that much more vivid. 10/10 would be devastated by again.

Who I Want To Be - @hubblegleeflower - 3k, General Audiences, John/Sherlock “What happens when your author writes you wrong? When someone else has the power to decide who you really are? Does it matter?” Sort of AU, shades of RPF, definitely metafiction, and quite satisfying as a rebuke to the writers who made such a hash of season 4.

Intersection - celeste9 - 5k, Explicit, Finn/Poe, AU “Finn had managed to get seated beside a gorgeous, sweet, funny ex-military gay pilot… and he was one more rough patch of sky away from barfing all over his feet. Or, worse yet, all over Poe’s feet. It figured. It really fucking figured.” Am I sucker for a social worker AU? You bet I am.

One Week - JaneTurenne - 42k, Explicit, Holmes/Watson “An average week in the life of Our Heroes becomes a battle of wills when the boys make a wager.” A beloved trope executed beautifully.

Minor Interludes for the Solo Violin - Katie Forsythe, read by general_jinjur - 27k, 3hr, Explicit, Holmes/Watson “Wounded and traumatized by the Afghan War, John Watson falls in love with a detective who is also a remarkable violinist. Connected pieces of emotion and movement.” This podfic of a classic H/W is immersive and excellent, and the download link includes the sequel, Hallowed Be Thy Name, which is also excellent, though significantly darker and more difficult for the characters.

There’s Only One Sure Thing That I Know - leah k (blinkiesays), read by exmanhater - 20k, 2hrs, Explicit, Dean/Castiel “Dean doesn’t even get halfway through explaining before Bobby starts laughing. When he lets himself think about it for more than five seconds, Dean can almost see Bobby’s point: he’s faced down demons, witches, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, angels, and Satan himself and now he’s been defeated by the God damn Midwest.” A well-paced and gently humorous podfic in which an unexpected sojourn in Ohio forces Dean to confront love, honesty, and his fucked-up self esteem.

What He’s Like - magikspell - 3k, Explicit, John/Sherlock “‘I’m so in love with you,’ John says, a statement of fact. 'I will never not be in love with you.’ Realistic first time. They love each other so much.” FEEEEELS.

et faisons la grasse matinée - mazily (@ylizam​) - 1k, Mature, Phryne/Mac, Phryne/Jack (Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries) “'I do love you,’ Mac says. She’s not fond of saying it.” This one is short and has a slightly hazy, hungover feel (appropriate) that I adore. The only problem with Mac/Phryne fic is that there’s not enough of it, so extra blessings upon those who write it!

Time on my hands - Mildredandbobbin - 7k, Explicit, John/Sherlock “Virginity’s a construct, a concept—what does losing one’s virginity entail for a gay man anyway? Sherlock wants to fill that particular gap in his knowledge but John won’t, can’t, never will assist and there’s only so much desperately unspoken pining even Sherlock can take.” Despite the description, this one is more about practical sexual exploration than “virginity” or loss of same, which makes it a lot more interesting IMHO.

Sentiment to Paper - @mistyzeo​, read by RickyPulsifer - 7k, 57min, Explicit, Holmes/Watson “No fewer than three times by the winter of 1883 had I heard Sherlock Holmes disparage the ways of lovers and their irrational tendencies toward writing letters. With this often and loudly-expressed opinion in mind, I was very surprised indeed to find a stack of unsent, unsealed letters in a drawer in his desk.” Here you will find a convincing Watson POV (complete with “damn my leg” in-joke), a secretly sentimental Holmes, and juuuuust enough miscommunication and tension to make the romantic (and hot) resolution feel very satisfying indeed. Additionally, RickyPulsifer’s podfic is a quiet wonder of smooth pacing, emotive delivery, and thoughtful production.

Splendid Creature - mistyzeo, read by RickyPulsifer and the_dragongirl - 2k, 20min, Explicit, Holmes/Watson "Holmes has tired himself out on a case and wants to go straight to sleep. After an orgasm or two. Watson is more than happy to help.” A sleepy, steamy PWP podfic featuring a trans Holmes. Really, you should just listen to all of Ricky Pulsifer’s ACD Holmes podfic recordings.

Grazed Knees - montparnasse (@montpahrnah​) - 5k, Teen and up, Luna/Ginny “The war is over, except that it isn’t, and Ginny is done fighting, except that she’s not.” A wonderfully atmospheric coming-of-age postwar fic. I think I need more Linny in my life.

Hearth and Home - @mycapeisplaid​ - 5k, Teen and up, John/Sherlock “Sixteen years after the east wind came and went, two men embrace their future.” A post-season 4 fic set well into the future, including a teenage Rosie Watson who knows her two dads better than they know themselves.

The Truth of the Musgrave Ritual - @mydwynter​ - 13k, Explicit, Holmes/Watson “It is my custom, you may have noticed, to save those little cases which we have solved until such time as danger to those involved has passed, or until Holmes otherwise suggests I may write about them.The happenings at Hurlstone Hall, however, received a very different treatment indeed.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you just can’t go wrong with mydwynter’s canon fic.

Shoreline - @penknife​ - 2k, Mature, Remus/Sirius  “Sometimes it takes being someone else to sort out who you are.” A short, angsty-yet-sweet character study of  one Remus Lupin, teen werewolf and aspiring cool loner.

Take My Breath Away - Quesarasara (@itsnotgonnareaditselfpeople) - 14k, Explicit, John/Sherlock “Sherlock opens his eyes and looks at his friend—his best friend—and slowly tips his chin down until his forehead rests softly against John’s. They stay that way for a long moment, lips just a whisper apart, warm puffs of air mingling as each of them struggles to breathe. It’s no wonder they ended up here, really, locked in this breathless moment balanced on the cusp of something new. They’ve spent years taking each other’s breath away…” Honestly, the “got your breath back?” thing is a brilliant way to organize a series of vignettes, and the sexy bit at the end is achingly sincere.

All Life is Yours to Miss - Saras_Girl, read by originally reads (@originally) - 114k, Mature, Harry/Draco “Professor Malfoy’s world is contained, controlled, and as solitary as he can make it, but when an act of petty revenge goes horribly awry, he and his trusty six-legged friend are thrown into Hogwarts life at the deep end and must learn to live, love and let go.” I have to admit that if had read this instead of listened to it, I might have noped out–mostly because it’s long, I’m impatient, and as Draco character studies go it’s much sweeter than my usual taste. Yet the podfic was well-performed, and the slower listening process made the resolution feel even more satisfying.

Revolutions - @scullyseviltwin - 3k, Explicit, John/Sherlock “Things got in the way, yeah, a whole fuckload of things.” It feels like cheating to call this a PWP, becuase even though it’s mostly sex, it’s the kind of sex that reveals things about the characters and their changing relationship.

Two Weeks - @shiftylinguini - 21k, Explicit, Harry/Draco “If Harry had to guess which out of he or his Auror Partner, and tentative new friend, Draco Malfoy, would turn out to have Veela ancestry, his answer would be: neither, because that is ridiculous. Finding out the answer is actually him, and that his Veela heritage is wreaking havoc on his ability to work, sleep, and above all be in the same room as Malfoy, is a surprise to say the least. But this is fine. Harry’s been through worse, and he can just sit this one out, regardless of how much his body is screaming for the one person he doesn’t want to ask for help. Can’t he?” I mean, that description tells you what you need to know. Delicious, delicious TENSION.

Diversionary Tactics - @shinysherlock, read by @fffinnagain - 2k, 16min, Explicit, Molly/Irene (BBC Sherlock AU) “Oh. This could be interesting. Irene’s fingers moved to the third button of the dress and paused. 'Shall I just … check the rest of you, then? Make sure you’re quite all right?’” A brief, hot, historical PWP, Mollrene style. UNF. Finnagain’s podfic performance is very…impassioned–maybe don’t listen in public ;)

His Almost Lover - @writcraft - 9k, Explicit, John/Sherlock “John grieves for Sherlock, dreams offering his only escape but no real satisfaction. When Sherlock finally confronts him, alive and well, John has to learn to love all over again.” A surreal, dreamy beginning leads into a very real post-Reichenbach coming-to-terms.

For further recs, check out my Fic Bookmarks or Fic Recs Masterpost; I hope to add some of these fics to my various faves lists sometime in the next few weeks.

[mazarinrouge]

Let’s Read The Promise: Part 1

Everyone hears that the Avatar: The Last Airbender comics are bad. And they super fucking are. I tried to give it a chance, and I found that The Promise is probably the worst of them that I’ve skimmed. The Search is eh. But OHHH MANNN The Promise. It’s perhaps one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever read, and is in general a complete trainwreck. I’m not posting each page as an image because that’s tedious and you can go look them up on your own, but there will be some snippets here and there. Without further ado, a play by play of ATLA: The Promise.

In brief, this comic is about Aang and Zuko working together to remove the Fire Nation’s colonies and their culture from the Earth Kingdom shore. Surprisingly, it handles this sort of situation in a really dumb way. /s You would think Aang and Zuko together would be able to come to some reasonable conclusions, but you know. I’ll get to that later. It opens with the same intro from the shows narrated by Katara, except this time it’s different. Because it’s after the war and all.

But I believed Aang could save the world. And you know what? I was right. With the help of his friends, Aang defeated Fire Lord Ozai and ended the hundred year war. Zuko, Ozai’s son and our ally, became the new Fire Lord. Together, with Earth King Kuei, Aang and Zuko promised to restore the four nations to harmony.

Except didn’t he run away to travel the world with his bear? If he did go back to Ba Sing Se after the war, we’d have to assume he didn’t die out in the wilderness or get captured at any point in time. We’d also have to assume that the people saw him and just LET him back into power, despite being the puppet for the Dai Li. And do the Dai Li still exist? They do in Korra, but I can’t see them here. Inconsistencies, oh well, who cares?

There are about eight fire nation colonies on the shore. Zuko decides to help Kuei “remove those colonies by doing whatever it takes”. This is very vague and already sounds like a bad idea. Cough cough. Sokka names the movement to remove them the Harmony Restoration Movement while Toph suddenly learns Invisibility Bending.

Then they go to Iroh’s shop cause why not. And we suddenly travel ~back in time~ to the Season 3 finale and see Katara and Aang smooching. Which apparently Sokka steps in on. It feels sort of like a sitcom. And Sokka’s like blehhh kissing! Katara and Sokka fight about it and you can really feel the tension in their dialogue. Gotta give mad credit to the writers here. /s/s/s/s

Then they’re on their way to a festival right after the war ended, and it’s going to be great it’s got fireworks and everything and

Oh my god. This is the angstiest thing I have ever seen. First off, why would Zuko be asking Aang this? Why not ask Katara? She clearly hated you (lol). Aang’s whole thing was how much he didn’t want to kill Ozai. Even IF Zuko started “becoming” his father, how would he expect Aang to be the one to murder him?

I also understand this is a natural emotion for people. Like, if you had an abusive father you probably wouldn’t want to turn out like him. But I imagine it’s somewhat different if your father and all his fathers before him committed mass genocide. If you’re raised to think that’s pretty wrong, hell, he even thought it intrinsically as a lil boy, then you probably won’t kill a lot of people. I don’t know just food for thought .And as an added fact, all the Fire Lords had their dads alive when they were conditioned to kill everyone. So I really don’t think Zuko would make any decisions as bad as his father’s. Maybe bad decisions, he’s hotheaded, but he’s not a murder. He wouldn’t even touch Zhao because it reminded him TOO MUCH of what Zuko’s dad did to him. It just seems out of character. But not as out of character as Aang KILLING Zuko.

Katara seems to be cool with it, though.

It timeskips to a year later and we see that Zuko is worried about rebel Fire Nation peoples to try to assassinate him. This I can agree with. There would have to be some people who oppose Ozai’s imprisonment. And it’s very sudden for a 16-17-ish year old boy to become your new ruler. He wakes up one night thinking someone will assassinate him, and guess what he was right. And would you guess who it is???

A teenage girl! Got to keep all the cast the same age. Wouldn’t want a hired hitman or anything. This teenage girl is so rebellious. She came all the way from the west coast of the Earth Kingdom to kill Zuko. She’s from the oldest Fire Nation colony and she’s here to take revenge, because apparently....the Restoration Movement is going to destroy all the colonies?

There was never any indication as to what this “movement” would consist of until now besides “remove them”. I didn’t imagine removing them would mean removing the culture or the people? You see, the rational thing to do would be to remove the government so the Earth Kingdom could control the land. There could be an intermingling of cultures and it may be interesting, but definitely not bothersome. That’s why some of France looks like Germany. They moved in and then the land went back to France and now they just all hang out there. There’s no concrete explanation to the reader of what this movement does. So really I still can’t say it would really destroy all the buildings and evac. all the people but Hell. It might.

Isn’t vague writing cool?

So Zuko sends this girl back to her home colony in cuffs. Her dad finds her and it turns out her dad is the mayor. Now I can understand their trouble. He may worry he might not have any position of power in the colony anymore, but hey, that might not happen. It’d be ridiculous to install an Earth Kingdom specific mayor, maybe even a little racist? It could happen though, so you understand your distress--

except NO! It’s not about that at all. Apparently the Restoration Movement is now Confirmed to Remove All Fire Nation People. Great. This went downhill fast.

Then this guy says hey your father wouldn’t be proud of your actions and Zuko attacks him.

Sheesh.

Then it cuts to Aang forcibly removing everyone from their homes and putting them into a new and confusing country. Cool. But suddenly when they get there a soldier tells them that they all need to leave! Because Zuko has stopped supporting the Restoration Movement! So that means that all Fire Nation Colonials are barred from entering the country??????

??????????????????????????????????????????

I don’t think i have to even explain why this is one of the worst ideas ever. Why forcibly remove or never allow in? Why not the middleground? The gray area? That whole part of the damn original show that was toted around so gloriously. How extremes are bad and not everything should be taken far this way or the other. But whatever. Fuck the show. Let’s do this instead.

It cuts to Toph’s metalbending academy and we learn that Zuko has holed himself up in Yu Dao. No one is allowed in or out. Toph says he’s becoming like Ozai. Aang is meditating and talking to Roku, who thinks Aang will be a good guy if he kills Zuko. This could just be a dumb rehash of the show where none of the other Avatars give Aang the answers he wants. Maybe the Lion Turtle will come back too and give Aang some Complacency Bending to fix Zuko.

I like this though. Aang is set on his own motivations and protecting Zuko as his friend. He’s not even looking Roku in the eye. Their worldviews are so different. Neat.

They arrive at Yu Dao to confront Zuko. The walls are barred and Aang and Katara decide to go in themselves, scaling up the wall to get past the gaurds. This comic site has custom annotations like old Youtube videos by the way, and I just thought I’d show you this.

Typically the rule with pet names is if your partner says one you don’t immediately say it back. But OK. I guess ‘babe’ was too adult for the demographic. I just can’t see these two really using pet names at all. Like Aang would respect his girlfriend so much he’d probably be happy enough just getting to say her real name so often.

We also learn here when he gets inside the walls that “Flameo, Hotman” is actually spelled “Flamio Hotmen”. I cannot accept this.

Aang enters and bows to the General and they start attacking him and Katara.

If they’re both trespassers why are they only attacking Aang and not Katara? How is Aang that close to the fire and he’s not got a Zuko burn yet? These important questions and more brought to you by me.

lol

Katara gets fed up with these people burning Aang and does a Dr. Crocker-esque panel by panel of her saying

“Stop. Trying. To. Set. My.

Reminds me of something else....something....even more awkward to say while attacking people....hm...

“Stay away from my dad’s ex-girlfriend!”

Oh well. I must have forgotten what it was. (coughKorraDoesntExistcough)

Then Zuko comes in and grabs Katara in a weird and compromising position. She says stop you’re hurting me oh no. And Zuko says not until you stop hurting my guards. Which she didn’t really hurt any of them. She demobilized them like Aang would, but they’re all still ok. She did throw ice shards, like pointy ones, Not sure what happened to that poor guy.

Aang gets mad at Zuko and they start fighting. Aang tries to talk to him while they are fighting and it’s kind of like a Naruto battle. And then....

God dammit.

But it’s ok because Katara does what she always does and just walks inside Aang’s killer air puncture ball no problem and touches his face to bring him out of the Avatar State. Which is sweet and I always like it when she did that. But how did she get inside the Aang ball?

Then Zuko says ok fine we can all calm down and talk. By the way, Zuko is growing incredibly weird cheekbones here. I think it’s a part of Bryke’s direction, because if you look at Korra almost every single male (except Bolin) has killer cheekbones. Like really really skinny face cheekbones. And now Zuko has them here.

Maybe they’re trying to represent Zuko becoming his father. Because Ozai had cheekbones too. But how does one get cheekbones like this in a year? Earlier in the comics, he didn’t have a face like this. He looks like a little skeleton man. Maybe it’s supposed to portray his aging due to stress like Lincoln or something. But man. It just doesn’t look like Zuko anymore. It looks like cheekbonko. That’s his new name.

Zuko had a change of heart after talking to the family in Yu Dao he met.

(gee maybe you should let the government be in control of the towns but let the people stay there because it is an old colony. Or let the colony stay so long as they don’t harass the Earth people. Or set up a joint government sort of thing with a council to rule these specific colony towns. Or anything but this dumb plot. ALSO LOOK AT ZUKO’S WEIRDASS HEXAGON FACE CHEEKBONES FUKC)

Also Katara doesn’t say anything she just stands there looking sad and confused. But just to make sure she does say something she says maybe Yu Dao should be the exception and only they can stay. Why is no one smart in this universe. But anyway, she decides to have another meeting with the Earth king.

It cuts to Zuko. The Kyoshi Warriors are his new bodygaurds. He gets up in the night to get water, but really he goes to see his father and DUN DUN DUN.

Well that was anticlimactic. Just seventy pages of UGH....THIS IS SO INFURIATING. But you know that’s fine.

This has been Part 1 of The Promise.

My predictions are Aang will not kill Zuko. (hes in the other comics) And they will remove everyone from their homes. Everyone will be happy despite that fact and Aang will get a kiss from his ‘sweetie’ the end.

But who knows?

[rwby-grimm-guardians]

RWBY Grimm Guardians Arc 3: Separated Union Ch 12

Side Yellow III: Rebuilding

Welcome back to Separated Union! Here’s Side Yellow III and here, Yang FINALLY gets her new arm with Ruby and Summer’s help. The arm is very different from the show. Also, the sisters and Tai discuss Summer’s changes.

As Ruby is actively talking, this takes place the day after Side Red III and the day before the meeting/next chapter: The 2-part finale.

Sorry if Ember is not really relevant here. This is mainly about Yang, Ruby, and Tai this time.

As usual, please give constructive criticism and enjoy.

Disclaimer: Still own nothing. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (3:57 PM)

“So, how does it look?” Yang asked, showing Summer and Ruby her prosthetic arm from her scroll. The white cloaked woman nodded, “Looking good, though it’s...a little plain. Sorry.” Taiyang looked at his former leader with a fake offended expression, gasping, “Ah! You wound me.” The taller woman smirked, “Sure I do, lion.” The older blonde groaned at the nickname, “Gods, I forgot you called me that shit.” “She still calls you it.” Ember grinned from the corner. “Hell, I do too.”

“Have you added the mods I suggested?” Ruby asked. Her older sister nodded, before pressing a button, causing an armblade to fold out from the forearm, before the blade began radiating with heat. “Nice.” Summer smiled. “Pressing the button twice will cause the blade to pop out, but not activate the heating.” The blonde teenager explained. After retracting the blade, she pressed a different button, causing the forearm to change into what seemed like a shotgun.

Ruby whistled with a grin, “I like… Are you using the same ammo meant for your gauntlet?” “Yep.” Yang grinned. “Got real lucky with finding it.” Her step-mom nodded, before asking, “Have you tested it out yet?” The blonde teenager nodded, “The blade, yeah. Still have yet to find out about the shotgun’s rate of fire and damage output.” “You got some targets up?” Summer asked. “Getting some out.” Taiyang said, muffled as he attempted to find some usable targets in the shed.

He then finally got out a couple new targets, before going into the field and putting them up. The blonde man gave a thumbs up, “You’re all set.” before heading back to the shed. Nodding, Yang stood several yards away from the targets, before putting the arm on and aiming the barrel at one of them. She then fired three shots, before turning to the other target and firing another three shots.

Reverting her arm back to normal, the three blondes went up to the targets, while Ember brought the scroll over for Ruby and Summer. The rounds each struck very close to the targets’ center, causing the former STRQ leader to whistle, “Nice shots, kid.” “Damn...they almost went right through.”  Ruby said, noticing how deep the holes were. “Looks like we got a keeper, huh?” The blonde teenager asked. The two Roses nodded in agreement, with Ruby smiling, “Most certainly.”

Summer smirked at her younger daughter, “Don’t you have some more news to share?” Ruby nodded, before smiling, “So, good news. Pyrrha’s awake and has her memories.” Yang sighed, “Hallelujah.” putting a hand over her heart. Ember sighed with relief, “Thank the makers. For how long?” “Since yesterday during lunch.” The taller woman answered. The former STRQ leader then explained, “There was...no real good time to put it out there.” Taiyang nodded, “I can only imagine.”

Ruby then looked to her side, before asking her sister, “Can you let Weiss and Blake know for me please? Got another check up going on now.” The blonde teenager nodded, grinning, “You got it. Don’t give your doctor too much trouble.” “She rarely does.” Summer smirked. The younger teenager then made a fake gasp, “I am not that bad.” The group of four, plus her uncle and doctor looked at her unamused, knowing damn well she WAS that bad.

Ruby then sighed, before saying, “I’m improving, at least.” “There you go.” The elder Rose smiled, before turning to face the screen. “Talk to you later, okay?” The blondes nodded, before waving goodbye as Summer closed the call. Yang then pulled out her scroll, saying, “I’ll be right back to help clean up. Hopefully, these calls won’t take long.” before she began calling Weiss and Blake.

“Those kids sure have some good friends.” Taiyang chuckled. “As do you, ‘sis’.” Ember hummed in agreement with a smile. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (6:45 PM)

After dinner, Yang and Taiyang began talking with Ruby over a virtual call. She had wanted to speak about Summer, but figured after dinner would be the ideal time for it. Obviously, she let her sister and father know beforehand.

“Mom’s in the shower right now, so it’s probably the best time for this.” Ruby explained. The teenagers’ dad nodded, Zwei laying in his lap, “Same with Ember. So, you wanted to talk about your mom?” The young leader nodded, before sending a picture, “Mom’s right eye changed yesterday. You know, the...Grimm one. She has her silver iris again, but her sclera is red now.” Yang took a look at the picture, “Huh… That’s new… Have you spoken to your doctor about it?”

The younger teenager nodded, “Yeah. Mom talked about it, but so far, nothing seems wrong. No pain or vision changes.” “Keep an eye on it for now.” Taiyang said. “Might change in the future.” He was greeted by two unamused looks, before he raised his hands, “I wasn’t trying to make a pun, I swear! Qrow is not rubbing off on me!” Qrow’s muffled laughter could be heard as Ruby sighed, “She’s having dreams again.” Yang raised an eyebrow, “Nightmares?”

Ruby shook her head, “No, it’s actually memories.” “Based on what she’s been saying, they’re probably from her childhood.” She explained. The blondes nodded, with Yang saying, “Good.  “That’s...not as good as you think it is.” Their father said. As his daughters each raised an eyebrow, he said, “From what Summer told us, she....had an unhappy childhood. Her mothers and uncle, from what she said, were amazing and great.” “But...she lost her mothers at a young age.” The blonde man explained.

He didn’t specify how. Hell, he seemed frightened to even do it...and with good reason.

“She might end up going through the same emotional struggles she had back then once more.” He sighed. “It literally took almost 7 years, her uncle, and all of us to help her get to a happier state again. And I don’t know if we’d be able to pull that off again.” His daughters looked at him, both wide eyed. They were aware that Summer had personal struggles, as that was a topic the former STRQ leader had become more willing to share. But this was the first time they’ve heard about her childhood.

To say they were both shocked...and saddened by this new information was an understatement.

“So...what do we do?” Yang asked. Taiyang tapped his chin, “For now, look out for any signs that show that Summer’s going into the deep end again.” “Basically anger, frustration, emotionlessness, depression, anxiety, guilt, and closing herself off. And possibly panicking and apologizing for simple mistakes or accidents.” He explained. His daughters nodded, both thankful that a few of those signs were familiar to them and thus, easy to identify. Ruby then bit her lip in worry, “What about...violent?”

Her dad shook his head, “She was rarely violent, so you shouldn’t have to worry.” “Then again...I don’t know if her resurrection has changed her personality.” He said. “I can warn you her anger CAN boil over, but she desperately tries to control it. But there are limits. Just be aware.” Yang raised an eyebrow, “I assume she will shout and swear…?” Taiyang nodded, “Pretty much. She sometimes uses it as a way of venting, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it.”

He then sighed, “Though if she is angry ABOUT someone, it’s best to hear her out first. Learned THAT the hard way.” Ruby raised an eyebrow, “Is she usually right?” Her dad shrugged, “Mostly, but she tends to second-guess herself and apologize often, as she knows her anger can cloud her judgement.” “And if it’s us? From what Rubes said, she got pretty upset with Uncle Qrow.” Yang asked. “When he visited Beacon, I mean.”

The two sisters looked at their father in anxious silence, before Taiyang sighed, “As someone else who’s been in that position before...hear her out…” “And don’t think she hates you.” He explained. “She certainly won’t yell or lash out, as she knows better. But she WILL be stern. She’s usually disappointed, but very forgiving with friends and family.” The blonde man rubbed his eyes in thought, “She’s, and I use this word loosely, only ‘angry’ when you’ve done something that you know better than to do.”

Ruby nodded, before thinking to herself, ‘So THAT’S why she acted that way to Uncle Qrow during his and Winter’s first meeting.’ She and Yang felt something inside them that could possibly relate to Summer’s mindset and personality.

In fact, it made them feel closer to her even more.

That’s when they all jumped when said woman, in a couple towels, appeared on the screen, asking with a smirk, “You talking shit about me?” “Your daughters would never do that.” Taiyang said, before pausing. He then sighed, realizing what his former leader meant by “you”, “You suck sometimes.”

Summer gave a grin, before chuckling, “I’m kidding, I didn’t actually hear anything.” She then sat on the edge of Ruby’s hospital bed, “So, what’s going on?” “Just chatting about your health.” Ruby said. The taller woman smiled, “I’m glad that you all care about my well-being as much as I care about yours, but trust me. I’m doing fine.” She then went to get two cups of tea for both her and the younger Rose. “That’s ALSO a sign of bad things. Her lying and saying she’s fine.” Taiyang explained.

“In that exact way?” The sisters asked. Their dad nodded, “Basically. So be aware of that too.” The two teenagers slowly nodded, now more concerned as it was entirely possible for Summer to say that she was fine when she really wasn’t...and yet, get everyone to believe her. “Don’t worry about it tonight though.” The blonde man said. “You have bigger things to discuss tomorrow. Right?”

Ruby and Yang nodded, but ultimately knew that they’d have to bring it up with Summer at SOME point.

This was a far worse issue than either of them could’ve expected….and they needed to help the taller woman with this. Somehow.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And that’s it for Side Yellow. This one I was really looking forward to and I hope it came out well!

Yes, I’m aware some of this may seem rushed. And I apologize for that. I also apologize if this seems like one of the weaker chapters. I was struggling with anxiety and stress, sadly.

Next will be the 2-parter finale, Side RWBY and Side Salem.

[the-mind-of-ginger-blog]

Okay, so I haven't written anything in a few days and the couple of last days I did write I didn't put on Tumblr so…Here they are!

I am distraught. That's not quite right, but I don't think jsdlkfjdslkdfhsdlkjagf;hsdjkfjsdjfhsdklfhsdjfhjsd is a word. Even that set of letters and a semi colon is correct. At this moment in time I feel broken. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but it just kinda is. I cried last night. I have only cried within the last five years or so because of my fathers death. Otherwise, I don't cry. Why did I cry? I cried because I have been trying so hard to control myself. To keep my broken soul in check. I …I can barely think coherently no less type. I didn't go to work today. I would have done something really stupid if I had. I feel…it's not like I feel like hell. It's not even that I feel like death. If I didn't feel so terrible, I'd almost say I feel alive. But I am broken. My soul is broken and it has been broken for quite some time. I've tried to hide it. Tried to make myself forget about it, but my constant need to improve myself seeped in and shattered whatever semblance of control I had over it.

I don't know what to do now. I'd say maybe I should start over, but it's a bit late for that. My dad is dead. My mother is not exactly at her best. I try to feel something, anything, for the people and things around me, but I'm afraid I can't. It feels like my life has just been one giant lie. A lie I probably perpetuated, but a lie none the less. I see why  I put mental block loops in my mind. It really was worse than anything right now.

I'm a fool. I had to start typing things out. I had to start trying to improve myself yet again. Why can't I just sit back and play video games, watch tv, and laugh at stupid things.

Talking about my empatheticness didn't help. I'm on the verge of tears at my own frustration in not being able to help or do anything.

Let me tell you a story. When I was around five years old, I created a world. It was a simple thing. There was myself, my girl, my guy, and two villains. We fought and we always won. Through the years, I started changing a few things. The specific villains left, but I added new people. People who mean more to me than anything else in existence. I created Catherine. She was the first and technically only woman for me. She was kind, strong, soft, beautiful, sassy, loving, and I could go on and on. She was everything I wanted out of a partner. From her morphed Samantha. I don’t remember why I wanted two woman. I'll toss it up to youthful longing. Technically, Samantha is a part of Catherine. Samantha took the sassy, charge ahead aspects of Catherine. Catherine became a bit more subdued. So I never really though of them as two different people. It sounds weird, I know, but it is what it is. The man who I first created was Simon. I hadn't ever named him until much later, but that name stuck. He was…how do I put this…I love him. I love him with a similar intensity that I love Catherine. The difference is that I am straight and never considered it sexual. I created more people over time. Patrick, who is something of an amoral doctor type, but who I loved just as deeply as Simon. Funny thing, Samantha is actually Patrick's sister. Next was Katelina. She is one of the most devious people you will never meet. She and Patrick get along wonderfully. Olivia would be next and she is a calm, cool, collected person. She also knows how to blow things up. She's fun that way. Last, but certainly not least: Fred. You might be thinking: "Fred? Why Fred?". Funny story: I remember giving him a more french sounding name, but I forgot it for some reason or another I went with Fred because I know that's not his real name. Fred's an assassin you see. Nobody get's to know his name.

So, instead of ever using my emotions in real life where people would scoff, hurt, and pretty much try to destroy me: I created my own world. I didn't live in this world like some people do. My emotions, my soul lived in this world. Over time, however, I needed to do more in the real world. The old world fell by the wayside. Now you might assume that when I say my soul is broken I mean that I have forgotten my world. Nothing could be farther from the truth. My soul feels broken because I always imagined the world around a certain age. That age, is now passed. You will probably think it pathetic that I'm like this, but I don't think you comprehend it. My world was/ is everything to me. My heart and soul belong to it. Every hope and dream I had belonged in it's confines. And now that time has passed, I have nothing. My world is a lie. A lie of my own making. Everything I ever wanted is a lie. I have been lying to myself for twenty some odd years. What could you possibly know about my suffering?

It's not like I'm entirely pathetic in this world. I'm one of the smartest people on this planet, I am damn good looking, I have not done nothing. But I haven't done what I want. Nothing has happened that I need. I suppose I will continue living, but it is a hollow life. I've tried my hardest not to believe it, but writing things out here just reinforces it. Nothing I do in this life will compare even in the slightest with my own world.

It's not like everything was perfect in my world. I experienced such loss, such love, such life that will never appear for me in this world. I don't think anything I say will convince anyone of this. You really would have to be me.

So now I am here. Typing out my greatest failure as a person. I'm trying to bring my soul together. All it is is a bunch of loose bits strung together in some fashion. I guess I know now why it's been hard to "feel" the way others seem to. I put most of my feelings in my world. Except anger. And some sadness.

I want to do more. I want to be greater, but everytime I think of it all I can see is my world. How nothing in this life is going to compare. I feel so stupid. I hate myself so much. Why did I have to be this way? I've always felt like something was wrong. I just didn't realize it was my own stupidity. I'm not entirely sure I can get past this. Even with all my self-confidence and self-esteem, it pales in comparison with what I believe I should be. What my life should be. I know I'm the best, but only in this world. I'm nowhere near what I could be and I hate that. It's like being able to see your future self, but knowing that you will never reach that self because of a choice you made long ago.

I would say I feel empty, but I think I'd be able to sleep if I felt empty. I'm not even sure I could call this depression. This doesn't feel like my normal depression. Hell, I even took my meds this morning and they sure as hell haven't helped much. Maybe I should try to sleep. Piece together what little I can of my soul and sleep. I'm scared to. I almost don't want to piece it back together. It would just be piecing a lie back together. What else am I supposed to do? I don't feel like dying and I don't feel like living. All I want is to escape into my world and never return. Hell, even if I could do that I don't think it would help. It would still be a lie and I hate lying. I hate lying to myself more than just about anything.

Well…I think I'll try to sleep. It's the only thing I can do. Maybe I can do…something with it…I don't know…Maybe god will actually help this time…probably not…

-

Sleep didn't really help. I don't know what to do. If I could love, if I could feel what I want to feel then maybe…I don't know how to explain it.

I sound so pathetic. It's making cringe to even write this. Asldkfjasl;kdfj. That's jfaslkdjf. Alsjalkdfjksahdkghskdghjsdhgoiejroihwritjrjghfdxlkfhfsldjgjh sfdlkg shokfdsjlagh hjoadfskkvgzfdshjvsadlfzgsjhljk. That's how I feel about it. Heh, ain't life a bitch. I should probably eat something. I only had a couple of mandarin oranges this morning and it's already afternoon. Of course, that means I might have to speak words or talk to another human. I don't know if I can handle that right now. I should get food.

-

Alrighty then. I've eaten, I've spoken to another human being, and I'm feeling marginally better. I came to the realization that I'm probably suffering from brain rearrangement syndrome (not a real thing). My brain is rearranging itself for some unknown reason and I'm only along for the ride. Oh god I feel terrible. That doesn't really express what I feel, but that's the best I've got right now. I think that I might play some games to try to distract myself. Or, worse yet, listen to music and read fanfics. That is a terrible idea, but I am gravitating towards it.

-

I think I'm slowly getting a little better. I think I'm still going to ask off work for the next week or so. My body, soul, and heart need it. I wanted to feel things? Well here you go! Good luck! Someone should kick me…

-

Okay. I'm feeling even…better? I'm not sure how to put it. I've realized I haven't posted any of these to Tumblr. I might do that bits at a time. I need a girlfriend. I also need a wife, but I suppose girlfriend should be first. The problem though, is that I am extremely picky and all the girls I have been interested in I find out later they are really not my type. I need someone on my level. When I consider myself top 1% or top .1% of people on this planet, my options are limited. Especially where I am situated. I live in an international city, but I wouldn't say that the people who live here are my type. Not really. Every time I've lowered my parameters, nothing good happens. I really should be extremely hard on myself and whoever I want to pick. They will need to like me of course, but I think that shouldn't be a problem.

It's funny, though. I'm (stupidly) reading these fanfics (though I am trying really, really hard to stop) and I've forgotten how much smut might be in them. Also the teenage love angst that I never really dealt with because I never met anyone I really liked when I was a teenager. Of course, the angst is through the memories of people in there twenties so more likely than not the angst is more 18-25 love angst than 14-17.

I desperately want to flirt with someone. I don't mean flirt without expecting. I mean flirt knowing they are turned on by it and also want you. Oh god…I think I should stop writing. My mind (I'm not calling this anxiety dammit!) is going crazy again. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. Thank god I'm going to sleep soonish. I need my brain to work again. This isn't working. I need god to grant me some powers or something and direct me to a place I will find all that I need. It's not like I'm not trying! It's that it's really damn hard…