#constantly calling and sending useless messages

[inazuma-fulgur]

Feeling so bad mentally, I don't wanna go to work tomorrow

But also I need full time employment

But also the state made it possible for me to change my status to searching work but not to change my status regarding that I'm technically jobless + can't afford a flat + I have to move soon + I have no idea how I would get the financial support the state technically offers

I hate the state, why you offering services but not offering useful explanations of your services?

[outlanderalien]

Not sure if I'm sabotaging my relationship or not but I feel like I'm in the right ? Perhaps ?

[zzeraphilm]

little white lies

Shinsou Hitoshi x GN!Reader word count: 2,517 summary: shinsou and y/n's childhood dream was to become heroes, side by side. but as you grow up, reality hits hard, and sometimes lies make the pain easier to bare.

Tiny pitter pattering feet crunched the granite beneath them. Two little children, imagining their powers, capturing villains and saving the world. With their school jumpers tied around their necks, their makeshift capes fluttered in the wind as they ran around the monkey bars. 

“Ah ha! Stay back villain! The twin heroes Étoile and- Hitoshi, did you think of a hero name yet?” Y/N, the taller of the duo, snapped at the little boy beside them. 

“Uhm, not yet I’m still thinking about it.” He mumbled.

“You should do some research! My dad showed me all of the ways heroes can be named! I picked mine because it means star in French! One day I hope to be a shining star that saves people!” 

The thick head of purple hair bobbed up and down, nodding along to the ramblings of his friend. Since his first quirk manifestation, he has been scared to show Y/N his ability, brainwashing isn’t particularly associated with heroism. In Shinsou’s eyes, Y/N was blessed with the perfect quirk to become a hero unlike him. He remembers the day their quirk manifested, they were on their way to school and the scatterbrained Y/N tripped on the cracked pavement, bracing for impact they felt a beam of light pushing them upwards in the air. From their fingertips, the rays of sunlight had curved into a little cloud for them.

They were smiling ear to ear, their happiness so infectious that Shinsou couldn’t help but cheer. From then on, in class Y/N would mould the various rays of light from a lamp or fire into a multitude of objects, shapes and weapons. Their class praised Y/N, knowing their future success as a hero was guaranteed. Shinsou couldn’t continue to be petty around Y/N, his friend was quite literally the light of his life, and he just wanted to remain by their side. 

Towards their second year in Middle School, Y/N’s life took a drastic turn. Their family had to relocate out of their town, meaning Shinsou would be left for the dogs in his high school who would torment his dreams of becoming a hero alongside Y/N. They promised to continue to talk everyday, Y/N would send extensive messages, updates about their life in their new town. How they befriended many people and have started their own Hero Appreciation Club at their new school.

Shinsou buried his jealousy like second skin. He lied through his teeth like it was biological to him. Y/N knew of Shinsou’s quirk, they reassured him that despite everything, he could become an incredible hero. But with the world around him painting him to be the perfect villain to Y/N’s hero, he despised the thought of being a hero. So when on their weekly phone call to each other, as Y/N rambled about attending a hero school and how they wanted to live up to their childhood dream. Shinsou agreed, said he felt the same and promised to live up to Y/N’s wishes. That was when the lies first started. 

Shinsou got into UA’s General Studies course, his grades were excellent and the prestige of UA’s reputation around the world was enough for his parents to agree in his admission. Despite knowing that he had tried so hard to get into the hero course. It was futile, because a useless quirk as his would never work in a battlefield situation. 

Y/N succeeded in getting into the hero course at Shiketsu High School, at the news of their admission into the hero course, Y/N cheered endlessly on the phone with Shinsou. So excited to finally see their dream come to fruition. Upon asking if Shinsou held up his end of the plan, he said he did. That he got into UA. He just didn’t mention which class, so Y/N assumed that everything was fine. That they would soon be reunited as heroes. 

Being a part of the hero class meant Y/N was constantly busy, unlike Shinsou. His high school life was as ordinary as one could have it, he had thought multiple times to drop out and go to a regular school. It would’ve made no difference, yet whenever him and Y/N spoke, he felt guilty. A sticky, black tar-like feeling at the pit of this throat. He didn’t want to disappoint them. He wanted to be the boy that was always by their side, in every dream and every thought. He just wanted to be beside them again. And if that meant he had to maintain this facade of a hero-to-be, then so be it. As long as it remains just between him and Y/N. 

“Then we had to do these 2v2 fights in a hypothetical villain attack. It was crazy, I think I really got into the character of a villain!” They laughed through the screen, as they tilted their head at Shinsou’s nonchalant hummed response. 

“Toshi, how’s your hero studies been going? Do you guys have a lot of written content to cover?” 

Shinsou stopped scribbling in his notebook, he couldn’t have Y/N think that they failed to get into the hero course, and was merely a general studies student. He broke his train of thought with a cough.

“Yeah kinda. Uhh, Mr Aizawa is getting us to make notes on past rescue missions for an assignment.” He had lost count over how many lies he had said, maybe this was the 100th one but he couldn’t remember. Just as long as Y/N believes him. 

“Oh wow! To think Eraserhead would be such a strict guy. My teachers think it’s best to learn through doing, so my hands are too sore to even pick up a pen nowadays!” Before they could finish their sentence they yawned loudly. “Ah, I’m so sorry Toshi, I’ve been so tired lately.” 

Shinsou couldn’t help but smile at how cute they looked trying to stop themselves from falling asleep. 

“Then go to bed stinky. You gotta wake up early tomorrow,” With a light hum and a slow nod with their head, Y/N waved him goodbye. 

Shinsou was afraid of course, if Y/N found out the truth, that their childhood friend was a disgusting liar with a villainous quirk so of course he would manipulate them into believing everything he said. His mind was full of self-sabotaging and self-despising thoughts. He could only shove his mind into his studies to cover up the screams in his head. 

News of the attack in USJ spread across the school like wildfire, the thought of a villain attack sent a shivers down the spine of every student. Of course, the news spread to the rest of the country, with Y/N spamming Shinsou’s phone with endless missed calls and messages. Shit. He was so busy lately with his studies that he forgot about Y/N thinking he was with the hero class. 

12 missed calls from Y/N ☆ Hitoshi answer me Pls Pls answer me R u okay?!?? Pick up my calls!

“Hello?” 

“Hitoshi! Where are you? Are you okay? Did you get hurt? I saw the news and- oh God I can’t even- Please tell me you’re not hurt!” 

Y/N’s mind was spiralling out of control, endless visions of Shinsou hurt and pinned down by a villain flooded their mind. They felt sick with anxiety, they had cried themselves to sleep the night before thinking the worst because Shinsou hadn’t responded to them. 

“I’m okay. I’m fine, luckily I called in sick.” He mumbled. 

Relief flooded over their body, Y/N physically felt the weight of worry be lifted from their soul. 

“Thank goodness, how are your classmates? Are they recovering okay? I’m so sorry you guys had to go through that. You know can always talk to me Toshi. I know we’ve been busy lately to even talk but I’m always here for you.” 

Shinsou felt dirty, he felt disgusting for the lies that he had laid. He had dug himself in his own grave by this point. 

“Yeah, thanks Y/N. I’ve- I’ve got to go there’s some stuff I’ve got to do.”

“Of course Toshi, just message me when you get home! Stay safe.” Click. 

The two tried to speak regularly, but with the stress of their hero activities and Shinsou’s growing guilt turned resentful - they hadn’t spoken in over a month. The UA Sports Festival was fast approaching and Y/N had already been bragging to the rest of their friends about Shinsou. How excited they were to see him on the screen, hyping everyone in the room with their shining persona. Any mention of Shinsou, Y/N instantly beamed and everyone knew from a mile away how much the boy meant to them. The rest of Class 1-A at Shiketsu had their eyes glued to the screen upon the announcement of the UA Sports Festival. Y/N was busy writing their message to Shinsou wishing him luck. Despite the extensive chat history largely consisting of missed calls and messages from Y/N.

Shinsou tried to block out Y/N from his life the last few weeks, muting their messages and focusing their studies. Seeing Class 1-A at UA going about their days ignited a fire within him. He had been so spiteful of himself, for lying to Y/N about his hero journey, it only justified his own beliefs that he couldn’t become a hero like them. To then seeing the danger 1-A posed for the rest of the school, he felt cluster of emotions, ranging from spite, hatred, jealousy, envy and disappointment. Mainly towards himself. His self-sabotaging behaviour had only fuelled his disbelief over himself, seeing others succeed in the dream he and Y/N had made him sick. 

By now, he did not care for Y/N, he had become blinded by his envy. His self-hatred. His new found desire to win. 

“Guys it’s starting!” Y/N had invited their classmates and close friends to their parents’ home to watch the sports festival together. They huddled around the television screen, on the sofa, the floor and even on top of each others laps. Bags of chips and snacks messily spread across the table and multiple cups of juice were handed out. They were all excited to see the infamous Shinsou Hitoshi that their beloved classmate would fawn over. 

The silent shock that cast over the room was deafening, Shinsou walked out along with the general studies class and all of a sudden the attention was towards Y/N. It moved so fast that they barely noticed they had moved onto the next class. Nobody wanted to call Y/N’s bluff and continued to watch in silence. Each move that Shinsou took didn’t live up to the heroic version of him in their minds. Some even saw him as, villainous. Y/N didn’t speak, didn’t take a sip or eat anything. Their eyes were glued to the screen, jaw tightly locked in position and their fists balled till their skin turned white. 

The day was supposed to be a fun, class get together at their friends house to cheer for their favourite UA student. No one would’ve guessed that it was all a lie. Some of their classmates knew of Shinsou’s quirk briefly, some had no idea that he could brainwash people. So during the student-student battle rounds, they were left shocked at how unsportsmanlike Shinsou was, the way he manipulated his quirk to win. He was nothing like how Y/N described him, this boy who was full of wonder and was always determined to be by Y/N’s side. Some of the students felt sick, some of the students resembled the same kinds of people that swayed Shinsou away from his dreams of becoming a hero. Before the fight between Midoriya Izuku and Shinsou could take place, Y/N turned off the TV and walked out the room. No one tried to console them. 

Well done for today. Call me when you’re free.

“Y/N, you there?”

“Shinsou why did you lie to me?” 

His heart almost skipped a beat at his exposure. 

“I didn’t mean to lie to you.”

A new found anger filled Y/N’s voice, they screamed. “But you did! For almost half a year! You pretended to be a part of 1-A, I thought you almost died at USJ! Yet I see you on national television using your quirk like your some sort of-“

“Some sort of what?! Villain? I fought damn hard today, I’m not having you prove them all right!” 

The call cut abruptly, both Y/N and Shinsou were left aghast. Years of dreams together and years of friendship. Suddenly began to melt away. Had their feelings for each other, their dreams to be together side by side as heroes come to an end now?

Since they last spoke on the phone, Y/N became fully integrated into Shiketsu High’s hero course, ignoring the rest of the world around them. Allowing themselves to be swallowed whole by their hero activities. Despite their hard work, their mind was always elsewhere. Their last conversation with Shinsou left a bitter taste in their mouth that nothing could clean out. Maybe if they had been more understanding, they could’ve fixed everything. 

Unlike a few of their classmates, Y/N pass their Provisional Licence exam with a breeze. Only a few more steps closer to becoming a pro, was all that was driving Y/N to continue with their studies. Their endless spiralling thoughts had consumed them to the point of delusion that only a harsh voice from a certain pro-hero caught broke their train of thought.

“Are you Y/N L/N?” 

They whipped their head around to face the Erasure hero, Eraserhead. Aizawa Shota, who upon close inspection, was the older spitting image of Shinsou. Y/N cursed how the image of Shinsou followed them everywhere they turned. 

“You’re friends with Shinsou Hitoshi from UA, yes?” They gave a hesitant nod. 

“Well he reached out to me to train him, tell me. Do you think he can do it, train to become a hero?” His stagnant voice held no indication of hope nor malice. So this was Class 1-A’s teacher.

Y/N could only recall the memories of their childhood with Shinsou, where despite his smaller frame compared to other kids, his slight stammer as a child. He would always stand up for Y/N no matter what, he would always hold their hand whenever it would get dark sooner than expected. How Shinsou would always give them the other half of his candy to make sure that Y/N would always have something to eat or smile at. How no matter what Shinsou would be by their side, even if they were apart, the spirit of him was always leaning over them. Y/N knew, from the very first day they met him, that Shinsou was their hero.

“Yes. I know he can become the greatest hero, because he’s always been mine.” 

[leafyaa]

Chapter 14

Weeks passed by with no particular strange incidents. You felt way more relaxed after reading that no major incidents struck your village or the nation. Though one thing did give you restless minds: Hikari. Her birthday was coming up and you didn't know what to do for her. I mean what could you do really? 

With Kunikuzushi posing as a distraction you didn't have much time to think about Hikari as much as you wanted to because Kunikuzushi tried to cheer you up constantly, noticing your distant looks when he came by the café you worked at. 

The two of you ended up doing some picnics with Sara and Heizou accompanying you. Sara was there to just be with you while Heizou wanted to 'balance out' the group by joining as well. Then because you didn't want Maple to feel left out you also brought her with you. She enjoyed jumping around and trying to catch butterflies.

Then there were some alone walks between Kunikuzushi and you but it always became awkward after you were lost in your thoughts while walking with him. 

Slowly but surely Kunikuzushi started entering in your daily routine again  by driving you to work, picking you up from work and sometimes cooking for you. It felt like he was taking care of you but maybe you were getting delusional thinking he still loved you. The way he treated you sometimes gave you butterflies in your stomach, but you just brushed it off, thinking it was just a desperate feeling of wanting someone to take care of you.

Sometimes he would tell you he had to go somewhere for a while and you didn't mind. But when he could take care of you you would feel so much more at ease as most of your daily worries slowly disappeared. For example: waking up early to make sure you wouldn't miss the only bus that made sure you were on time for work, forgetting to get groceries or ending up skipping dinner because you would be too tired to cook. 

Working yourself tirelessly was your way of going through the days and weeks. If you focused enough you wouldn't suddenly break down out of nowhere. You knew her birthday was coming up soon and you felt so stupid about not thinking about her more. You felt exhausted knowing each day was making it less likely for her to be found back, exhausted knowing that you might have been waiting for nothing.

There were never any updates on her case from the police after that unfortunate day. Asking Heizou or Sara for information would be useless because they had no access to those files and you wouldn't want to accidentally fire them as the Tenryou police force already disliked you very much. 

Sure Kokomi had taken on the case which irritated the local police even more and Gorou made sure to tell you if there were updates but alas, there were still none till this day. 

Today was the day before Hikari's birthday and you had taken off work for the next few days, wanting to spend time alone. Thoma assured you didn't have to worry about the cafe as you were basically the second manager there and knew how everything worked. 

Sara and Heizou knew not to disturb you in your alone time and made sure to only send minimal messages to you. 

But one person made today his mission to take you out today. And it was none other than Kunikuzushi. After all, you never told him about Hikari. He surely wouldn't care about her if he left you at your worst state plus you were almost certain his opinion about kids never changed after the last incident. 

"Can't we just go somewhere next week?" Your muffled voice spoke while buried in a pillow.  

"Come on, the weather is good tomorrow!" Kunikuzushi said with much excitement. He happened to call you on your day off to go out but you felt drained. 

"But so is next week.." 

"You're always saying next week and then you forget about it.." Ah yes that was right, because you overworked yourself and mostly forgot things. Things like appointments you had to write on a calendar hanging in your living room because you would forget that as well as sending all your appointments to Sara so she could remind you. You didn't really use the calendar on your phone because you didn't like the way it looked so a paper calendar was your solution. 

"Meow~" Your cat meowed, climbed onto your bed and nuzzled her head into your hair. 

"Even your cat agrees." Kunikuzushi said, making you groan in annoyance. 

"Maple is a cat, how could she possibly understand us.. Ugh I'm tired.. I'm hanging up.." You said with a sigh, moving your hand towards the button. 

"Wait but tomorrow-" 

"We'll see tomorrow."

And you hung up before he could say anything else. 

You sighed as you threw your phone on your bed and got out of your bedroom. 

As you walked from your room to Hikari's room you noticed the faint crayon stripes and other small drawings Hikari did, with much scolding from you. 

Originally you were going to permanently remove it by painting over them, but you felt that it was like removing Hikari out of the house so you decided to keep it, even though it might have made her think she was allowed to draw on the walls.

You grabbed the key from your pocket and unlocked the door, entering it quietly. Maple, who had gotten out of bed to follow you, also walked behind you curiously. 

You picked him up and brought her to your eye view, showing her Hikari's room. 

She meowed a bit before jumping out of your arms to Hikari's neatly made up bed. Even for a cat, she did look sad as if she could sense your emotions. She just sat still and looked at you. 

You closed your eyes and breathed, trying to remember all the good times with your daughter again. 

"I miss you Hikari, please give me a sign you're still out there." You spoke as a tear slipped down your face. 

“You will.” A voice responded unbeknownst to you.

⇠ previous ⭒ masterlist ⭒ next ⇢

Notes:

kinda late with this one but yeah

Summary:

You've dated Scaramouche in your high school and college years but just as you wanted to announce your pregnancy to him he broke up with you without any reason. He left you to be a single mom for 7 years. But now that your daughter has been missing and abducted for a year and you've not been doing well and out of a sudden he showed up into your life again trying to apologize for his past mistakes..?

Taglist:

@swivy123 @kichiyosh1 @wwwrizchan @k1t0 @killumeow @pinkdreamerbailifflawyer-blog @samarill @xiaotopia @aqualesha @eattingshits @omoriaddict @mave-in @sketcheeee @xiaossocksniffer @elernity @ohmyfinggod @luvkvni @kunikissr @meadowofdarts @kaoriie @scaramochies @ekriis @rizakari @xxrexx @lovingveliona @magica-ren @lilybythevalley @theflatdoorkicker @lazy-sanns @reixtsu @fullw0rld @kunikuzushis-darling @childesgingerhair @kochothehoe @mercy-not-merci @ash1

[abiiors]

Just Let Me // M.H.

I got so carried away with this, my god. It’s best friends to lovers??? (read: idiots to maybe lovers). I am so proud of how this turned out and I genuinely hope you like it <3 (reblogs and feedback are very much appreciated)

I’ve kinda tried an omniscient POV in this so I hope it works. It’s mostly angst but there’s a happy-ish end. A positive one at least.

WC: 3.2k (my longest yet)

Warnings - Reader is struggling with mental health, a whole lot of crying in this one, yelling too. And quite a lot of swearing

Masterlist // Series Masterlist // Drabbles

Your phone buzzes with another notification in your hands and you stifle another groan. That makes it ten now. 

All you want to do is put on the saddest movie you can find, have a good cry about your day, week, month and then curl up under a million weighted blankets. You simply want to forget about your life for just an hour or two but Matty (or rather, fate) has different plans.

Normally, when he sends you useless memes and silly reels, you make sure to reply to all of them. You even send him stupid stuff in return but all you’ve managed today is to leave him on read. 

It takes too much energy to open DMs, to respond to them—the energy that you simply do not have today. It’s one of those days. Lately, it’s always one of those days. They might as well be the norm now. 

Are you ignoring me now?

His message makes your phone buzz again and you wonder if flushing it down the toilet is a good idea. 

Are you ignoring him? No, yes, maybe a little. But only because he’s just so intuitive when it comes to you. You sigh, open the text chain and start typing up a response. But it’s already too late. 

Your phone is buzzing again; this time with an incoming call. 

You consider pressing decline or just letting it go to voicemail but he won’t give up until he’s sure he hasn’t done another stupid thing to make you mad. So you simply send a quick prayer out into the universe and press Accept. 

‘Hello…’ you try so hard to make your voice sound as neutral as possible. But it cracks on the last syllable anyway.

There’s a small pause at the other end of the line and you know he’s analysing that voice break. The sound in the background slowly grows distant and fades away as you realise that he’s moved to some quieter location. 

‘So…’ he hesitates a bit and you can instantly sense the suspicion in that one tiny word. ‘Are you home?’

‘Yeah,’ you quietly try to clear your throat, ‘yeah, just got in.’

‘And how was your day?’

Shitty! 

‘It was fine,’ you move around a few things on the dresser, hope that the noise is enough to distract him from the shift in your tone. But he’s smarter than you give him credit for. 

‘You’re lying to me.’ It’s not a question, it’s a statement. 

‘I’m not—’

‘Come on, sweetheart,’ he interrupts, ‘I am not as stupid as you think I am.’

‘You sure about that?’ you try lamely but it lacks any of the usual laughter in your voice. 

‘Rude! And don’t even try that with me right now,’ his voice holds a rare sternness. It’s not that he’s wrong. He did correctly call you out on that lie. The fact that you’ve known each other for close to seven years now makes it so much harder to lie to him. You contemplate dropping the act. You contemplate telling him everything, all about how life has been so difficult to handle lately; how you constantly feel like you’ve bit off more than you can chew. 

But he’s so busy… And you don’t want to trouble him. 

Their new album is set to release in just a bit over a month and there are a plethora of last-minute things to do; thousands of special edition CDs to sign and finalising the last details of various interviews, finalising the details of the tours. 

‘I’m just a bit more tired than usual, I promise you,’ you bite your lip to keep it from wobbling and hope that it’s enough to convince him. 

‘I’ll see you in a bit.’ There’s no protesting the finality in his tone. Not like you have the chance to because he instantly hangs up after that. 

As much as it is not his fault, it feels like this phone call has leached out the last of your energy. All you want to do is curl up in a ball on the hardwood floor. So that’s exactly what you do. Five minutes turn to ten, turn to fifteen until you lose track of time. Your eyes burn from all the unshed tears and it’s hard to keep them open anymore but you cannot stop staring at the little pink stain on the rug. 

You remember how Matty messed around your house that summer, spilt nail polish on your (then) new rug. How you painted his nails in all the neon colours you owned as revenge. You remember him saying how the stain was his way of making sure you’d never forget about him. 

As if…

A few sounds manage to break through the buzzing in your ears. There’s the sound of tyres pulling in your driveway, the sound of a car door opening and closing. And at last, the jangling of keys as someone tries to open your front door. 

You instantly know who it is. You’ve had each other’s house keys for a good few years now and today, for the first time, you wish he didn’t have them. You wish he wasn’t here at all. You wish you had never picked up his call. 

In a minute, he’s going to walk in here and find you curled up on the floor like a lunatic. He’s going to think you’ve finally lost the last shred of sanity. 

In a minute, you’re going to look at him and find him looking back at you with barely concealed pity. 

In a minute he’s—

‘What…’ he interrupts your train of thought and you make the barest of effort to peek at him through the curtain of hair that’s fallen over your face.

Matty’s not alone; or rather, he’s not empty-handed. He’s holding the prettiest bunch of daisies you’ve ever seen as well as a giant Tesco bag. You don’t have to ask him to know that he’s bought all your favourite junk food and that sugary ice tea you love so much. You also hear a few wine bottles clinking in there. 

It’s too much, all of it. He’s being so considerate, so nice. And you have no strength left in you tonight to conceal the feelings that bubble up in the face of this niceness. It’s supposed to be priceless, this gesture yet all it manages to do is be the last fucking straw. 

The restraint snaps and your eyes flood with tears and now they can’t stop flooding with tears. When before your eyes burned from unshed tears, now they can’t stop shedding them. And you cannot control the gasps and sobs that are being torn out of you. 

He swears softly and then chucks everything in his hands on the settee. He wastes no time running to you, wrapping his arms around you as he tries to pull you into a sitting position.

‘Sweetheart, hey,’ he’s trying to be soothing which only makes you cry harder. ‘Why didn’t you call me?’

‘I just got in,’ you blubber through the tears. It’s such a shitty excuse too but he doesn’t push it. 

‘I’m here,’ he says; repeats it over and over again like a mantra. 

His fingers caress your spine softly, almost lovingly but you refuse to think of it that way. What’s the point in romanticising simple comfort when it will only lead to more heartbreak?

‘Talk to me,’ he urges after a bit. 

‘There’s nothing to talk about,’ you shrug your shoulders, look anywhere but at him. ‘Everything is a bit overwhelming lately, that’s all.’

He softly touches your chin, tries to make you look at him but you won’t budge. 

‘You’re doing it again…’ 

‘Doing what again?’ If playing dumb is what gets him off your back then so be it. 

‘This…’ you see him point at you from your peripheral vision. ‘You’re pretending like it’s not a big deal.’

‘That’s because it’s not a big deal,’ you mumble. Your eyes snag on the photo on the wall. It’s Matty and Hann pointing at some graffiti on the Berlin Wall and making goofy faces and it almost makes you smile. You have fond memories of this trip, maybe even the last time you felt truly happy. 

His gaze follows yours and rests on the photograph. 

‘Remember how you kept butchering the lyrics to 99 Luftballons?’ The smile in his voice is evident and you know he’s thinking of the same memories that you are. 

‘I didn’t butcher them!’ you say begrudgingly. In truth, you absolutely did but that was a carefree version of you. That was a different person who did not mind screaming the wrong lyrics at the top of their lungs, who laughed at the stupidest of jokes and cracked even worse ones. 

‘I haven’t heard you sing in a long time,’ he confesses. 

‘I just haven’t found scream-worthy songs in a long time,’ you deflect.

He shakes his head because he realises that you’re intent on being difficult tonight. He has to take a different approach to this.

‘Let’s go back,’ he suggests, ‘maybe even go to Italy this time.’

It’s such a ludicrous suggestion really that you snap your gaze back at him. He’s looking right at you, he’s never stopped looking right at you. 

‘What’s the point in making these plans,’ you laugh bitterly, ‘you’ll be gone in a month anyway.’

‘Then come with me.’

He says it so softly that you’re unsure if he even said it in the first place. He seems to come to the same realisation because he clears his throat. 

‘Come with me.’

Go with him…

‘You think it’s so easy,’ you scoff and wipe at your eyes furiously.

‘Isn’t it?’

It’s these two simple words that cut through all your barely-there calm. 

Isn’t it? 

Isn’t it?

‘And what about my job? My responsibilities? I can’t just run from everything!’ You muster up all the strength left in you as you yell at him. 

It’s as if it has opened up a dam inside you and now you can’t stop the flood of words. 

‘Not all of us have the luxury of doing what we love and travelling and fucking around. Some of us have to SURVIVE! Not all of us can just pause everything at the drop of a fucking hat.’

By the time you’re done, you’re sobbing so hard that you’re certain your heart’s about to crack in two. Any minute now…

But then his warm hands are grabbing your face. ‘Hey, hey,’ he’s whispering, forcing you to look at him, ‘hey, I need you to calm down a bit okay? Okay?’

The tears make his face look blurry and unclear but the concern in his voice is unmistakable. You can almost imagine the deep crease between his brows right now; how his mouth would be tilted downward. Still, the sobs don’t subside. 

‘Please, please,’ he’s begging almost, ‘will you take some deep breaths for me? Please…’

You are trying, you have been trying. All this time you have only been trying to make it from one deep breath to the next. 

‘Please…’ his voice cracks.

Gently, so gently he picks up your hand in his, observes the red half-moons formed on the palm because of how hard you’ve been digging your nails into it, and swipes a thumb over it. It takes him a second or two before he manages to control the tremble in his own hands. It’s only when you touch the soft cotton of his t-shirt, that you realise that he’s holding your hand over his heart. 

The fog clears just a smidge as you feel his strong heartbeat under your palm. Compared to his, yours feels like a galloping horse. 

‘I’m sorry,’ you sob once you’ve come to your senses. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’

‘Stop…’

‘I know you work hard,’ you close your eyes tightly, let a few more tears escape, ‘I know your job isn’t easy.’

‘It’s not,’ he confirms. ‘I know you think I’ve no reason to complain.’

‘You’re misunderstanding me—’

‘And I know I’m so lucky to be doing what I do,’ he continues as if you haven’t spoken at all. 

‘That’s not—’ 

‘And I know you take your responsibilities much more seriously than I do…’

‘Listen to me—’ you try to interrupt again but he’s having none of it. 

‘No, you listen to me. Take a sabbatical, quit your fucking job for all I care. It’s not making you happy, it’s never made you happy. I’ll take care of you. You know I will.’

You roll your eyes and try not to scoff at his words but that just fuels him even more. 

‘Fuck, why won’t you let me! You took care of me when I needed it the most or have you forgotten about that? Have you forgotten how you held my hand as I checked into rehab?’

His voice chokes on the last word but he does not waver, he never wavers. 

‘Let me b—fuck, let me be there for you,’ he pleads. 

You grasp at straws, try to come up with even one reason why he shouldn’t be here right now. 

‘You already have a million other things to take care of.’

‘And they are all secondary to you.’ He wastes no time in answering. All this time that you’ve spent not looking at him, all that resolve crumbles in an instant as you finally turn to him. His hand twitches to wipe away the few tears that have slipped out but he stays put.

‘Please stop…’ you whisper—beg—through the lump in your throat. ‘Please stop saying things like that.’

‘And why should I?’ he challenges. 

Because you’re only saying them to make me feel better.

Because you just want this pity party to end. 

Because you are just fulfilling your obligation as my friend…

‘Because you don’t mean them…’ you breathe. 

You might as well have slapped him in the face. That’s how hard he flinches away. In fact, he would much rather you slap him in the face than hear you accuse him of that. 

Your entire body goes cold when he stands up, tries to put distance between you. And you have to grab the arm of the settee to make yourself get up. The spot on the floor where you were curled up should have been warm by now. Instead, it feels ice cold. 

‘I don’t mean them?’ His voice is so soft, so lifeless.

‘No, that’s not what I mean—’

‘You think I’m here to score some brownie points?’

He’s getting riled up now. That was the last straw for him and now you’ve finally managed to step over the boundary. You’ve finally crossed that invisible line.

‘Tell me why I’m here,’ he demands. 

‘I don’t—’

‘I need you to tell me why you think I’m here.’

‘Because you’re my fr—’

‘Don’t you fucking say that word,’ he shouts, ‘Don’t you dare say that word.’

You feel hollow sitting there; like a husk of a person. There’s no point to this conversation anymore but he’s not giving up. 

‘Ask me why I’m here,’ he shouts again and this time you can’t hold it in any longer. 

Your head pounds inside your skull and your patience is wearing thin. You’ve tried apologising, you’ve tried deflecting but nothing has worked. 

‘Fuck!’ you yell back, ‘Why ARE you here?’

‘BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE YOU!’ 

The silence that follows is the loudest silence you’ve ever heard.

He staggers back—eyes wide and mouth agape—and almost crashes into your TV. He can’t believe he’s just let that slip out. That was supposed to be his one secret.

And you can’t ignore the way your heart simply stops. 

Because how long have you waited for him to say those words? How long have you imagined whispered I love yous in the dead of the night in Matty’s voice? How long have you yearned?

He’s made up his mind now. He can’t take the words back, he doesn’t want to take them back so he squares his shoulders and looks you dead in the eyes.

‘Because I fucking love you, okay?’

This silent confession, a confirmation that the first one was not a fluke, nearly brings you to your knees. You beg your legs to hold you up as you take a small step toward him. 

‘You do?’ 

‘I have been in love with you for as long as I have known you.’ The exasperation in his voice is clear, so is the undercurrent of regret. 

For as long as I’ve known you…

Seven years…

Seven years that you could have had with him

‘It’s okay if you…’ he has to swallow a few times to stop himself from getting choked up. He has to blink a few times. ‘It’s okay if you don’t feel the same.’

Words cannot do justice to what you feel. 

Seven years…

This evening has gone from difficult to damn near impossible and there’s simply not enough air in the room. 

Seven years that you’ve wasted, you can’t let yourself waste another second. 

You stagger toward him and he’s instantly there to catch you, to hold you so close. He wastes no time tilting your chin up because he will die if he doesn’t do it now. And he will never find peace if he doesn’t know the taste of your lips. 

This kiss is unlike any other you’ve ever had in your life. There’s no elegance to it, no softness. Your teeth clash against each other multiple times in the first few seconds. It tastes like tears and stale cigarettes. It tastes like longing and yearning and hope. Best of all…it tastes like him

And it is, without a doubt, the best kiss you’ve ever had in your life. 

It’s the best because it’s him. It’s always been him and now you finally get to have him.

‘I’m an idiot,’ you mumble against his lips. 

‘A proper imbecile,’ he confirms and you slap his arm lightly. 

‘You’re an idiot too!’

‘At least I had the courage to confess,’ he challenges.

You bury your face in his chest, breathe in his familiar scent, listen to his racing heart to calm yours down. Time is irrelevant in this moment. It could have been aeons or it could have been seconds, the only thing that truly matters is his body pressed up against yours. 

He knows he’s probably holding you tighter than he should but he’s held himself together—all alone—for so long that if he lets go now, he will crumble.  

‘So what happens now?’ you speak into the silence that surrounds you. 

‘Now I spend a lifetime making up for the last seven years.’ 

There’s no hesitation there, only determination. 

A fresh wave of tears gathers in your eyes. You know he can feel them dampening his t-shirt but he simply holds you tighter. 

‘I’ve got you, my love,’ he shushes, starts rocking back and forth and presses his lips to your hair, ‘I’ve always got you. And I’m never letting go.’

---

(If you caught the one lyric reference, ilysm)

[leninisms]

I'm not american so this is a genuine question, is there anything that can be done about the 2 party system??? I find it bizarre that people are constantly voting between bigot 1 and bigot 2 every single election but i've also seen people say that voting third party is useless... so what is actually the goal because i doubt kamala harris (if elected) will be any good despite people saying she's more likely to listen to the people

hi, thanks for asking!! i’m a marxist-leninist so this is going to be very long-winded and passionate… sorry<3

i want to start by saying there is absolutely no reason for us to assume kamala will “listen to the people” more than trump will. the masses have been calling for an arms embargo for months and all she’s done is double down on her support of israel and netanyahu.

in the short term, there’s not a ton we can do with regards to fully dismantling the two-party system. unless something profoundly wild happens, the two ruling class candidates will not change between now and november.

i do deeply disagree with the sentiment that voting third party is pointless. i think a lot of americans have a belief that your vote is something you must give, rather than something that a candidate must earn. as eugene v. debs said, “it is better to vote for what you want and not get it than to vote for what you don't want and get it.”

we need to be willing to take the risk of losing certain past social gains in order to send the message that we will not vote for genocide. we will not vote for endless war. we will not vote for more prisons and more cops and more cages along the border. we will not vote for someone who opposes universal healthcare, or who refuses to even acknowledge the death penalty. we will not vote for the party that has dangled the promise of “protecting reproductive rights” over our heads for the last 50 years, without taking any action (even when they could’ve) to actually codify roe.

unfortunately a lot of liberals have already committed to voting blue no matter who. instead of even pretending they won’t vote for kamala harris without her changing any of those policies i just mentioned, they’re essentially surrendering to the will of the democratic party. the same party which has capitulated so far right, their politics echo those of republicans 10 years ago.

the harbinger of change in the u.s. has always been popular, militant social movements. the government will not just give us the things we want. we have to fight for them— we have to prove that it’s important enough we will do serious damage to the system they’re protecting.

this is a very long-winded way of saying that the long-term solution is a working class revolution. people in the u.s. need to get organized and build an alternative. don’t just talk about doing it— actually get up and do it.

[holly-fixation]

Fallen Silver: Ch3

Summary: Sephiroth is MIA. Second Class Rhapsodos and Third Class Hewley are tasked with locating and finding him. The public does not know of this disappearance. No one was prepared for the truth. 

Wars do not end until one side surrenders. Wutai was far stronger than they thought.

Trigger Warning: Self harm (unintentional)

(More notes at the end)

Chapter 3: Repeat

“This is SOLDIER Third Class: Angeal Hewley regarding directive SMIA. We found him.”

“Then put him back on the front. Why are you calling us?”

“He’s severely wounded. We need a chopper to Midgar.”

“He’s HIM. It can’t be severe.”

“I cannot give any more details on this line. Send a medical team right now or Shinra will have your funeral after his.”

There was a pause. “...Sending a team now. Be ready for transport in three hours. After the payload is sent, return to the front lines with Rhapsodos.”

“Understood.”

It was a conversation he should have heard, something he should’ve forced his focus on, but he did not gain a single word as he begged his red haired friend to stay close no matter what. He hated everything, hated every word out of his mouth, but they broke free despite his best efforts. He didn’t understand what was happening. He was so weak, feeble, useless.

The desperation crescendoed as Angeal returned.

He reached for them constantly. Each moment without their touch spiked his agony against his understanding. With both of them, his meager train of thought remained on track. Slow, yes, but on track. The moment he lost contact with either of them, it crashed. They adjusted for him, for his need, and encouraged him to be calm. He tried to obey. He stayed still once his wounds were cleaned and wrapped. Only his friends mattered. 

All was almost well until the medical team arrived. 

“We'll take him from here.” A team of four approached and shooed Genesis and Angeal away.

“W-wait…” Sephiroth reached for his friends even as he was lifted to the gurney. “Don't go…!”

“It's alright. We got you. We'll fix everything at HQ.”

“No…!” He tried to turn, tried to lift himself off the platform. Two medics held him down. “Genesis…! Angeal…! Come back…!” 

“They have to stay here. Those are their orders.”

“No!” Like a child's temper tantrum, he denied their words, thrashing with all his remaining might. Perhaps his strength too was childish. “No! Please! Come back! Come BACK!” The desperation spiked as his pained groans nearly formed a scream.

The lead EMT shouted the final order, “Bring them over here now!”

Angeal and Genesis rushed to his sides, and suddenly Sephiroth's rebellion quelled, his body relaxing as he held Angeal's hand to his head as if checking for a fever. They ignored their orders and stayed by him through every step of discovery until the moment in the lab where he fell silent as a sleeping babe, until the first moment every cell in his body released the need to be near them. 

* * *

Sephiroth did not know how much he needed them now.

“Sephiroth, what happened?” Genesis’s voice hit the muffled air.

His inhuman eyes scanned the dead dragon as strands of its lifestream bubbled to the surface, its soul slowly leaving its body. 

“SOLDIER First Class: Sephiroth.”

The silver soldier snapped to attention, empty mako eyes piercing him. 

Angeal sighed, hating using his title against him. “Report.”

“I spotted this fortress. I went into the wilderness to find a dragon. I led the dragon here as a precaution. When I returned, not a single Wutaian remained. And I found this,” he held up a broken gong, one solid piece with a massive crack straight through the center, before flipping it around. There was a message carved in native Wutaian. 

Three alone is strong. One alone is solid. Two alone is balance. 

Two with one is unpredictable. Scales break with imbalance. 

Angeal’s brows knotted. “I don’t understand…”

“They’re saying what we already know.” Genesis looked up at Sephiroth. “That letting you run wild will kill us all.”

He did not acknowledge the comment. “This is a warning. Two functional gongs remain. We need to find out where.”

“Sephiroth-” 

“We need to find them before they cause more damage.” 

“Hold on,” the dark haired man took the carved instrument before it cracked in the First’s grip.

“Morale is exponentially low. This trend will continue unless I regain strength in their eyes. We must handle this before news travels to Midgar. My misstep could be forgiven if we pull through.”

“Maybe if you stop running ahead, we could handle this together.”

“Genesis-” Angeal tried to cut him off.

“No he needs to hear this!”

Sephiroth stared through them. “You can’t order me to do anything. I outrank you. I am your superior-”

“Then this is mutiny, Sephiroth!” 

The word hit the silver soldier like a brick to the chest, the slight stiffening of his posture the only visible reaction. 

“So you listen to me. Because I'll take these men, all of whom have followed my orders for the entirety of your capture, and we will rise against you for the sake of your self preservation, so help me Goddess.”

“Genesis, that's top secret,” Angeal tried to warn. 

“All these men saw him collapse without reason. There's no secret about that and no dragon alive will change their wavering faith in your decisions. So for the love of the Goddess, listen to us.”

The waterfall of mercury lowered. Not a word left his mouth. Finally, a shred of fight lost. 

Angeal turned to the troops. “Set up camp. We're claiming the base. I want ten men on watch. Go.”

“Sir, yes, sir!” The entire troop quickly entered the compound, designating who would return for supplies and who would hold down the fort. A quarter of their men returned and dashed past the frozen Firsts. Once relatively alone, the silence broke among the hard glares, downturned eyes, and concerned expressions.

“Genesis…” Sephiroth's voice was small, so very small a cat could barely hear him.

The friend's eyes never left his. 

“It's not as simple as running ahead…”

“Then explain. But nothing you say will change my mind.”

He held his hand to his heart as if delicately touching a necklace. “There is too much we do not know. I take the lead to protect you all.”

“And you are the one that needs protection now. Times change. We have to adapt, not run straight into unknown danger.”

Sephiroth internally sighed. Genesis didn’t understand. The silver soldier failed to provide a more clear explanation, leaving him trapped in the hands of his fragile friends. He knew they weren’t truly fragile but he wanted to prevent any crack or fracture from forming in them with everything he had. 

* * *

Sephiroth allowed Genesis to take the lead in the next push forward. However, the silver soldier kept the crimson soldier in sight at all times, not like Genesis minded. His Second Class friend enjoyed his time in the spotlight just a hair, every attack a bit too powerful, a bit too flashy, and a bit too inefficient. If their enemies were stronger, faster, they may have noticed the inherent sloppiness, taken advantage of the openings subtly on display. 

They tried to stay directly ahead of the troop, but the anti SOLDIER measures threatened the lives of all unenhanced enlistees. Genesis made the decision to slow their men and take down the monsters before any cadet lost their life to nearly indestructible enemies. 

They found two of these monsters. Large muscular bodies, massive ball and chains at their sides, metal armor and written charms decorating their forms, one left handed and the other right handed, perfect mirrors of each other. 

Genesis and Sephiroth shared a quick look before dashing to their enemies. Sephiroth took on the left handed foe while Genesis took on the right. Each synchronized monster attack was countered with the two SOLDIERS, back to back before unleashing hell. However, the anti SOLDIER creatures were tough. Between the armor and their constant attacks, Sephiroth couldn't find an opening to slash them down or at least stun them for a bit. 

Why was he struggling? They were never this great of a threat before. 

Sephiroth glanced over at Genesis and saw the same realization. The redhead struggled more and more with each parried and blocked blow. Before either of them knew it, the bulky creatures yanked on their chains, and the links below the Second suddenly tied him down. 

Something in Sephiroth snapped. He found his body moving before his mind caught up, slashing and pushing relentlessly until the monster freed Genesis. 

The Red Mage of Shinra suddenly sprinted to the other monster, fire shooting up his sword. Though with varying strength, they both ended the creatures long before the troops arrived. Thank the gods they did. The souls of the mirrored measures did not leave the bodies. The SOLDIERs had no choice but to wait until they confirmed the deaths. That simple duty kept them in place. 

The corpses exploded, plumes of black and white smoke consuming everything in sight. Both SOLDIERs immediately held their breaths. They could barely see each other through the shadows. 

“Fall back,” The first and only command of the day left Sephiroth’s lips. However, despite the dissipating fog, his periphery darkened. 

A memory cracked into place: his sight wavered right before he awoke in the gold chamber. 

“Genesis, fall back,” His words were sharper, louder, trying to cut through the haze.

His friend stumbled away at first, mumbling odd ‘no’s and denials before suddenly bolting straight into the forest.

“Genesis!” Sephiroth shouted, chasing after the red coat.

“Stay away!”

That couldn’t be right. The smoke was finally gone. Their sight may be dark but he wasn’t blind. And even if Genesis was, why was he running? “Come back!”

“Get away from me!” He screeched, weaving through the trees like his life depended on it. Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong.

“Gen-!” He faltered mid step, glancing down to regain balance. But instead of his leather uniform, he wore a turquoise hospital gown. And he was small, the trees towering into the sky above. 

Below the sky, which darkened gray, stood a man in a lab coat black hair and black glasses, stories taller than he was.

“No…” His voice was tiny, strangled by panic, barely a whimper as every instinct urged him to run away. 

“It’s time, Sephiroth.”

His head shook, his pleas desperate and childish as he fought his own mind. “Not today…! Not today…! I have to save him!”

“It’s time…-”

As quickly as the illusion- the nightmare- formed, it shattered, his vision still dark, the sky still an unnatural gray, and his steps weak with…

Fear.

But his body was normal, his clothes were ready for battle. He ran forward, his steps barely coordinated and his breath heavy. Something scraped his arm, cutting straight through the leather and his skin. He glanced down but the weapon was long gone. Wutai was firing on them in their confusion, and despite his own wound healing within the second, his friend was not gifted with such restoration. 

“Genesis!” He prayed for a response over the pounding of his own heart, prayed for even a scream to pinpoint his friend.

But no sound came, his feet striking the dirt as he tried to avoid the projectiles he could not see or hear.

“Where are you?!”

Not a rustle of wind or the call of an enemy.

“SOLDIER Second Class: Rhapsodos, Answer me!”

S e p h i r o t h . . .  

Silver hair snapped around, stopping dead in his tracks with his blade at the ready, shaking in his pathetic grip. Distorted and unnatural, he heard his name clear as day. 

Sephiroth…

The voice was heavy, consuming, vast and endless. Where was it coming from? It felt like-

Sephiroth. 

Everywhere.

Leave him. You will find him later as he found you.

Why did the voice feel so familiar? He shook his head. He needed to focus. He didn’t have time for this, rushing forward once again. “Where is he?”

Not far.

It knew? Another cut scraped his leg. “Where?” He demanded.

…We have little time. You must find me.

“I need to find him.” If this voice was another illusion he would scream. A sudden tug at his heart and he turned in a new direction, a creek he could barely see through the darkness flowing slowly within the trees. He traced the feeling, walking along the invisible string.

Follow and listen to me.

He wished he could drown the voice in the water, but a small part of him craved the cosmic calm.

I am not false. I am real. And I need you.

He ignored it, praying to spot Genesis and silently hoping it continued, each word a blanket warming his heart. Did it have any idea what it was like to constantly hear that request? And why did a piece of him want to honor it?

I am what you craved. I am what you held in the lab to be calm.

Sephiroth shook his head. Nonsense. All nonsense. No matter how much he wanted it to be true.

They silenced our connection with scales.

His charge slowed. His indescribable feeling of isolation…? No. No no no. It couldn’t be. It didn't make any sense.

I crave you just as much as you crave me, even when you cannot hear me calling out to you.

“Who are you then?” He pushed forward.

You know the answer. 

Did he? The voice in his head couldn’t be real. Logically. He knew that.

It is deep within your heart and was once held close to it.

It was insane. Impossible. But the voice in his mind was kind and soft, a purr against his heart. If this start of the torture that broke him built this cruel punishment on his own, he did not know what he would do. He wanted it to be true. He needed it to be true. 

Close to his heart. His hand moved unconsciously to where he kept the necklace all those years ago. Why couldn’t he stop the single title from leaving his lips?

“...Mo-?”

A scream knocked him out of the shock.

He’s close. Go.

Following the thread pulling his heart, he leapt across the river and quickly found Genesis against a tree, cuts and throwing stars scattered through his body like the night sky, his right arm broken and cradled by his left, his right leg broken and laid straight out, his eyes clamped shut.

He responded as if feeling the very presence of the other soldier. “Go away… Please go away already…”

Sephiroth ignored the whimpers as his friends once ignored his own. He carefully kneeled before the Second, the redhead flinching, bracing for impact.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” He reached for the injury on his leg.

He cannot hear you. 

Genesis screamed at the contact.

Sephiroth instantly let go but the man before him writhed, struggling to crawl back. “What’s wrong with him?” He winced at another cut but was thankful it didn't harm his friend further.

Genesis fell back and clawed at his neck, struggling to breath, but the only marks were his own nails digging into his skin. His eyes opened reflectively, bulging in terror. Within the mako blues and whites, black rods floated on the surface like bacteria under a microscope.

The silver soldier grabbed his friend's hands and pulled them away.

“Spare me…!” He begged through large gasps of air. “Please stop…! Sephiroth…!”

Delay his symptoms.

Though not at all the exact words, Sephiroth knew exactly what to do, mumbling a small apology before knocking Genesis unconscious. Just as promised, his breath regulated, eyes closing and body falling limp.

It is not safe here. 

Whatever this chemical was required the lab to flush it out. He had no idea how long the ailment would last for his friend if even he had not metabolized it yet. Sephiroth threw his friend’s arm over his shoulders, carrying the deadweight through the shallow creek and back through the forest. More of the attacks came, single slashes to slowly weaken them, clearly aimed at Genesis so Sephiroth would have to take the hit. With his senses impaired, he couldn’t see them coming. 

Angeal caught up to them before they left the trees.

“What happened?”

“Some kind of chemical. I don’t understand what it-”

It forces the mind into panic by displaying individual phobias. It convinces the afflicted that escape is the only option and weakens any attempt at retaliation.

Sephiroth swallowed before relaying the message.

“How does Wutai have a weapon like that?” Angeal carefully carried Genesis. 

“They’re injecting it into monsters. Maybe breeding it in. We need to get Genesis to Midgar. It’s not dissolving.”

Now mako blues met his inhuman eyes. “Are you okay?”

Sephiroth nodded. He must have the rods too. “I believe I have some resistance to it. I’ll go ahead and call for transport. Keep him unconscious. He’s not thinking straight and he’s putting himself in danger.” 

The silver soldier barely heard the ‘sounds familiar’ as he marched to the base. At his direct order, transportation appeared within the hour. 

* * * 

The three strongest SOLDIERs once again stood in the research and development lab of Shinra Tower. Sephiroth explained the situation to Professor Hollander and his team. The monsters, the smoke, the darkened vision and instinct to run, the ‘phobias’, the weakness, and how the only difference between himself and his friend was his former exposure to the chemical before his capture. Hollander decided to test the silver soldier’s information by allowing Genesis to wake. Only if the tale was true would he begin working on a cure or at least grab some samples before attempting to flush it out.

Sephiroth and Angeal watched through observation glass to make sure Hollander didn’t try anything dangerous. Both Hollander and a team of nurses stood by inside the chamber.

You do not want to see this.

The First did not tell anyone about the voice, and despite its earlier truth, he refused to leave his friend.

When Genesis’s eyes opened, his terror returned instantly, pushing back into the bed frame as if a threat stalked directly in front of him. “No… no no no- no more! I just want to be enough! Why is that so bad?!” He winced, turning, hiding. 

Then he suddenly pinned himself to the wall by his shoulders. 

“Stop! Please stop! I don't want to hurt you! It's not like that! Please!” His right hand came up in protection, attempting to block what no one else could see despite the broken arm.

However, his left hand seemed completely out of his control as it slammed into his shoulder, repeating again and again until the bone shattered.

He squirmed and hissed harshly, desperately trying to get away from the threat he believed attacked but was truly himself, the toxin claiming his mind. “I’m strong! I’ll be perfect and one day I will surpass you, Sephiroth!”

The audible inhale told everyone what Sephiroth he was truly thinking. Why was Genesis afraid of him?

“Shut up Shut Up SHUT UP!” All of a sudden tears fell down his red cheeks. “Stop it… Stop it, I beg of you… I don’t want it to be true… I’m trying… I’m trying-”

First, he threw himself off the medical bed, pinning himself against the wall. 

Then he gasped, clawing at his damaged neck just as before, choking and thrashing and whimpering. 

“Tie him down and take samples before tranquilizing him. We need this compound now! Quickly! Quickly!”

As the nurses and scientists stepped up, Sephiroth stepped back, his heart heavy and his mind blurred. Why was Genesis afraid of him? What could he possibly do to change this fear? He saw Genesis as a worthy component. Why did his friend see him as a tormentor? 

He needed answers. He glanced at Angeal, seeing the Third completely trapped by the vision of his oldest friend’s torture. Shocked. Focused. Horrified. The waterfall of mercury suddenly left the room and appeared down a dark hallway with little traffic. 

“You knew,” He accused at a whisper.

I did.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Because it would hurt you.

“Why is he afraid of me?”

He fears your true thoughts. 

“About him?” Sephiroth would throw his life down for Genesis. He joked about the constant Loveless recitations but that didn't mean he hated them. He sparred with his friends to spend time with them and to hone their skills. He would never attack like that.

He has thoughts of himself he prays you never use against him. Each reflection is thrown back at him with your voice, and each injury he causes himself, he sees you. 

The Soldier's eyes fell. His hands began shaking even as he closed them into fists.

Before your capture, you experienced similar symptoms. They dispersed when you awoke in the golden chamber. 

“How long did it last…?”

After a week, you fell unconscious. I do not know if the smoke failed or if your captors had a cure. You had no memory of the effects or of me once awoken. 

He scoffed sadly. “Why would I take your word for it? How do you know what he’s thinking?” He heard a step behind him and snapped to the source. He suddenly found himself face to face with the dark haired scientist with black glasses. 

“Take whose word, Sephiroth?” Hojo questioned immediately. 

The silver soldier stared down rigidly and did not answer. 

“We'll return to that later then. Come to the lab. I need proper samples while that toxin is in your system.”

“We're already in a lab.”

Hojo scoffed. “That buffoon couldn't properly stock his own pantry, let alone purchase useful equipment. This flashy garbage limits and coddles the user for the sake of ‘user friendliness’. Nonsense. All nonsense. Now come along. We're wasting time.”

Sephiroth was about to deny the scientist when he suddenly remembered the box, one that suddenly cured his desperate isolation. He needed it again, both to test it against this voice he did not want to believe and to defend himself from any other gong Wutai possessed. If there was any chance of discovering what that container held, he would take it. 

Hojo grinned as the silver soldier took the lead, unable to hide it as all the tests they needed to complete flooded his mind. 

* * * 

Skin samples. Blood samples. Swabs and needles invading his skin. Sitting in the exam chair, Sephiroth allowed the tests in silence. Hours passed as he waited for the perfect moment to strike. 

Hojo didn’t seem to notice, separating the samples and placing them under various different tests. At one point he claimed to be isolating the toxin, but so far no luck. Concentration levels throughout the soldier’s body were too low. No standard samples contained any useful results. Eventually, finally, Hojo stood before him, scanning up and down before settling on how to continue. At his order, lab technicians entered, rolling in carts full of medical supplies and surgery equipment. The head scientist lifted a full syringe before locking eyes with the silver soldier through a shield of black glasses.

“No,” came Sephiroth’s first word since they entered the room.

“Come now. It’s the logical next step. Don’t you want to help Rhapsodos?”

“You are not sticking anything in my eyes until you give me something I want.”

Hojo crossed his arms. “And what is that? More information about your mother? How many times have we-”

“I want the container.”

His wrinkly face scrunched in confusion. “...What container?”

“After my capture, you gave me a container before beginning surgery. I want that container and its contents.”

“Absolutely not. That situation demanded immediate remedy-”

“I will continue to hinder progress in Wutai if I do not have it in my possession.”

“Are you really threatening your duty over this?”

“I am stating exactly what will prevent last week’s catastrophe from happening again.”

Hojo’s mouth closed. He placed the needle down before waving his hand at the others. “Leave.”

The lab techs exited without another word. The door slid closed behind them, sealing the scientist and the SOLDIER in the examination room.

“Tell me what happened.”

“I need it.”

“It isn’t a drug.”

“I don’t care what it is.”

“I will decide whether or not you receive anything. Do I make myself clear?”

Sephiroth glared from beneath his bangs, black rods stirring in the whites of his eyes.

Hojo simply waited, the whirr of machines the only sound heard until someone dared break the silence.

The silver soldier didn’t want to back down, but Hojo watched a few stray rods swim onto the mako blues. A soft grunt left the man’s lips, his hand supporting his head as his eyes closed harshly. The world darkened as he felt smaller and smaller, weak and insignificant.

Sephiroth.

“Not now…” his second hand flew to his bangs. He clenched his teeth to prevent any more unconscious words from escaping.

Hojo simply observed, a small smirk growing in fascination.

Stay still. 

He clenched harder, but soon the unnatural feeling left him. His eyes opened to the same haze, not perfect but bearable. 

“Is the neurotoxin making you hear voices?”

“No,” He spat immediately, his voice stronger but lacking the might he truly held. “This isn’t the problem. I know you still have it. Let me test something.”

“You have yet to provide a decent reason to do so.”

“Wutai has more weapons than we thought,” the boy surrendered, seeing that denying the scientist would trap them in deadlock. 

“Of course they do-”

“Weapons with the same effect as my capture.”

Hojo’s amusement dropped. “What.”

“That infuriating isolation that completely incapacitates me-”

“Did you let them capture you again?”

Sephiroth almost laughed. “No. They played a gong of Leviathan scales and I collapsed instantly. That same annoying clinginess locked Angeal and Genesis. They dragged me away from the base. The troop saw everything.” 

“Are there multiple gongs?”

“We assume.”

“Have you collected any?”

“Yes. I retrieved a broken one.”

Hojo brought a hand to his chin in thought. “If we repair it, we may not need that container.”

Sephiroth shook his head, his bangs protecting his eyes. “Hojo, I don’t think I can grow a resistance to that…”

“Well we won’t know until we try.”

“We should first try the thing that works. That container.” 

“First we focus on a cure for your dear friend and then we can build your immunity.” Mako blue eyes met his blacks. “Or I can hand you that container and leave your friend to suffer. Hollander’s had no success so far, and knowing him, he’s probably searching in the wrong place. It is a shame. The longer it takes to find a cure, the longer he must remain in Hollander’s lab for his own safety.”

Inhuman eyes fell. 

Don’t listen to him.

He felt the choice slipping away from him. 

It will only bring pain.

Hojo sighed. “Oh well. I’d much prefer having a different specimen in the lab.”

Sephiroth.

He had no other option. “Find the cure…”

The silver soldier refused to see the slimy grin on the scientist’s face.

.

.

.

.

Thanks for reading!

Author’s note: I have no idea why this AU appeals to me so much, but it does. And with the unintentional help (and permission) of @rottenpumpkin13 , I finally had the piece I needed to continue it. I hope you enjoyed chapter 3.

Chapter List

[adambja]

Hi Adam

I don't know why I'm telling you this to be honest hehe,but as my fav blogger I want to ask you for advice.

So I discovered the law last two years and for 8 months I tried using subliminals each one month but no matter how hard I stuck to one subliminal it never gave me results.

Then last year I read motivation on loa and all in other bloggers post but I never manifested anything no matter how hard I tried,I tried to be the creator of my reality,I pretended to be living my dream life even though I was broke asf and my family was suffering,ppl called me stupid but I didn't care,even when I never got results I believed it would come soon,I literally kept convincing myself for a year,I worked so hard but nothing happened,I never Manifested anything,and then I heard about the void state,I didn't believed in it but then I saw success stories and I believed it immensely,I thought there's still hope for me,for months I suffered but I pushed through and tried to get into the void state every day and every night,I worked on my self concept,I applied the law in every way but then nothing happened and then my dad fell ill,I was worried and I kept affirming to manifest his health,I affirmed in tears and I was fed up.i wanted to pay you for a custom tape because I thought it might help me but then I had no cent on me,so I could only keep affirming and affirming but nothing happened and then my mum died,she couldn't keep up with all of these,I had no siblings so yeah,then the dad died too.but I still didn't give up I didn't want to but it's useless,right now when I see any blogger giving ppl motivation,it annoys the hell outta me,I know I might be wrong but the law never helped me so now I'm gonna be sent to an orphanage home tomorrow in which girls are constantly molested each time,I literally pass by and see guys trying to touch them and I don't wanna go there please I need your advice,I'm tired of all these you are the creator speeches it's annoying to be honest,I wouldn't say I didn't try enough because I did extremely well,my phone is the only thing supporting me right now pls I need you to tell me what to do,it was my dad's gift to me on Christmas,he worked so hard to buy me one.ive tried every method possible

Most of y'all think you've had it bad??? I've faced worse,I don't even have access to my own house because of my fucking family members y'all give up immediately you try something

I tried for over 2 years but I never got anywhere and I need help,I'm going insane,if there's anything you can do to help me please do if there isn't then it's okay

First of all

My name isn't Adam it's adambja baby it's A GIRL HERE AND THIS IS WHAT I CALL A TRAUMA DUMPING THAT'S it

I didn't read anything because I am about to sleep I am so tired but you are welcome to talk to me privately and we will see

I understand your frustration and all your feelings and all this anger about some bloggers here saying the same repeated things over and over!

It's not my responsibility either cause I am not even like them hopefully I helped a lot of people here!

But when you send me a message make sure you tell me about what you want from the tapes if you are gonna buy them BECAUSE I DON'T MAKE CUSTOM TAPES FOR FREE you gave me your whole life thing how would I even help you if you aren't paying me for your personalized tape or coaching!!!!

I CAN LITERALLY HELP YOU IN ONE MONTH WITHOUT ANY VOID SH IN YOUR NORMAL PHYSICAL REALITY I DID HELP A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO HAD THE WORST SITUATIONS YOU CAN EVEN IMAGINE!

This is the issue here guys

This is MY ISSUE okay? Stop trauma dumping instead tell me WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAPPEN!!! NOT WHAT HAPPENED CAUSE IDGAF ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED I AM HERE TO MAKE YOUR NEW REALITY HAPPEN

Again the old story MUST BE DEAD!

Also baby you need tapes NOT TALK NOT WORDS YOU NEED TO REWIRE YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND

How SHOULD I MAKE THE OLD STORY DEAD, ADAMBJA?

Just tapes THAT'S WHY I AM MAKING TAPES WITH BENEFITS ITS BETTER IN MANY WAYS

And that's what I am originally a coach for!

[madame-fear]

long rant about some feelings i had lately because i need to say it somewhere. i should post it on my sideblog but honestly i lack the will to sign out from this and log into the other account. Feel free to ignore.

Quite honestly seeing all the endearing messages you guys send me truly encourages me to keep me going, and in a way, it comforts me. But these days for some reason I’ve had some recurring grim feelings that burden me, and make me feel empty.

I have a loving family I adore, sweet mutuals and friends i also appreciate with all my life, and i’m studying a career i always wanted to study – but i feel disappointed with myself. I feel like I have no clue where to go in life, like I cant rrally achieve anything too important. I feel useless, and weak.

Everyone in my real life remarks how shy and quiet i often am, and my parents say that im a sensible soul but even if they say it in a good way i feel stupid and fragile. I feel like everyone can run past over me because they know im not capable of saying anything against it. I feel worthless, and like i constantly need to be guided to do even the slightest thing. I panic at the most minor of inconveniences because i have no idea how to react and i overly stress, and needless to say the tremors i have worsen and it just makes me feel like shit.

I never find the right time to say what i feel, nor the right situation. And even if i do and express myself in any dumb way i can find at that moment, i just get called an attention seeker and they blame me as a victim that always has everything served and is spoiled, and even if im grateful for all the things i have in my life, i just keep feeling like a heavy weight on the people surrounding me. I feel like nothing i ever do is right, i never know what to say, i feel stupid. Sincerely.

I dont care what anyone says about me, especially if its someone i dont know. But i know some friends and people in real life that made fun of me when talking about my interests, how fragile i seem at everything and reserved i am, i even heard some classmates snickering behind of me when i was explaining specifically what i studied and im tired of not having the will to stand up. I truly despise myself to the point i can barely find the right words, if there is any.

Everyday i feel like im dragging myself through life and i would muh rather keep sleeping and stay in my dreams than have to keep being understanding at stupid people, and the disrespect. Im always embarrassed of expressing how i feel but its even more heavy to carry all my self-worth issues without being able to freely talk about it. You guys have no idea how many fucking times i had the impulse of jumping in front of a car, throwing myself out of the balcony, hanging myself and end myself because i cant STAND not knowing how to guide my life, where to go, and feeling insecure and i dont say this to be dramatic. i cant do anything by myself.

If it werent because even if i sometimes fight with them i know i have a family that cares for me and sweet friends, i wouldnt be here in some time. I feel like an attention whore and a victim but i hate having to keep it all for myself and know no one will do anything, or think im satisfied with how i am. My parents tell me i should be proud of who i am and all the things i earned by myself, but truth is, i wish i werent so fucking useless. I can never remember anything properly, and im too anxious most of the time. I despise myself and i really hope this feeling washes away soon, because i cant tolerate not managing to do anything because i would much rather lay in bed and do nothing due to my own insecurities.

[metalheadsforblacklivesmatter]

Hey, I'm messaging random people out of desperation, so please forgive me if this is annoying- my partner is looking for a remote job while studying for his CompTIA A+ cert, and hasn't been able to find anything. We've hit a wall as far as where to look (LinkedIn, Indeed, etc. are filled with scams and useless) and I'm reaching out to whoever I can think of/feel called to ask, to see if they have any ideas/directions to point us in. Thank you for your time, and I hope you have a good night

Shit this is really hard because I usually gotta ask follow up questions before giving specified advice.

But I'm a misogyny experiencing person in the tech fields. So I'll try.

First of all. Is your partner a person that experiences misogyny or a person of color? (I use "person that experiences misogyny because trans-men or enbies that are AFAB that don't medically transition can experience sexism in the field.)

Another trait I have that I say "gives me experience in the struggles of the field" is I've been unemployed for over a year twice. (Not by choice).

Gaps in your resume, anything in your resume that can indicate you're a person that experiences misogyny, or anything that can give away that you're a person of color will make it harder for your partner.

You can apply to large companies if you want, but don't get your hopes up. Large companies get thousands of applicants and rely on AI to filter resumes. Unfortunately AI is racist and sexist. Because it was trained by people with an unconscious bias. Small companies around 100 employees is literally how I keep finding my jobs.

Go to career fairs. My resume wasn't that great, but I knew I was smart enough to get the job if I could get them to just meet me. Which sucked because I never got an interview. One employer met me, and I guess I said something right because he put a big ole star on my resume and I was put on top of the applicants list.

Use Christian resources. "But fae. I'm not Christian." Yeah. It was really fucking weird for a long time to constantly be told like "I'm so glad we're if the same beliefs. This is a Christian company." But like... companies that want to keep is "in-house" so to speak will only send job descriptions to Christian resources. And honestly I've seen near no competition at these places for jobs.

I'm not saying lie or exaggerate on your resume. I'm saying floof on your resume. Instead of "developed the website". Maybe think "Hey. I realize I was the primary person working on the website, and the person everyone went to for help." BAM. Put "lead web developer" on the job description (not job title).

Look at the type of job the description is asking for. If they're a company that contracts their employees time. You want to focus your job description on how much time you saved and money you made fit the company. If they build products. You want to focus on your skill sets.

POST YOUR RESUME EVERYWHERE. Put it up on indeed. LinkedIn. Monster. Everywhere. Check the box that says you're looking for a job. Make it visible. Many companies don't want to go through the hiring process and will pay a contractor to do the work. Those jobs won't be posted. The contractor will be searching resumes on these sites and making calls.

Have a job already. It makes you look desirable to employers.

If you have gaps in your resume. Pencil it in. You weren't unemployed during that year you were studying for your certification.

Your resume should only be 1 page (longer if you have work experience but no more than 2 pages) and the first third of the first page should have the most important info. A quick blurb about you. Your skills/certifications. Your work experience. If you don't catch their attention by then, your resume will go on the trash.

I see a lot of people put irrelevant information on their resume. You don't want gaps in your resume but they don't need to know about that baby sitter job when you were 16. They don't need to know that you also made the coffee in that job as a web developer. Don't include information that you can't relate to the job.

It never worked out for me but a lot of people suggest using those sites that scan your resume against the job description and it's honestly worth a shot.

Don't let anyone throw a thesaurus at you when they offer to help with your resume. If you have people that help by thesaurusing your words, don't listen to them. Hiring managers and recruiters see through that shit.

It's honestly been a hot minute, so I'm probably forgetting stuff, but I do hope this helps!

-fae

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary87

12/7-8/2023

thursday - friday

“Did you say the stars were worlds, Tess?" "Yes." "All like ours?" "I don't know, but I think so. They sometimes seem to be like the apples on our stubbard-tree. Most of them splendid and sound - a few blighted." "Which do we live on - a splendid one or a blighted one?" "A blighted one.” - Thomas Hardy, Tess of the D'Urbervilles

as my girlfriend was hiding from being shot, she was hiding in the dark with her colleague, she checked her email because as people were unsure if the shooting was still taking place, or even that the man had been shot by police, someone who must have had the alert, and had access, to the registry of everyone teaching interdisciplinary studies, their emails, to send this message (credit to roberto lovato on twitter):

she did not receive this email, instead she had received one saying that the landlord is not going to be renewing any leases at this apartment complex, and that we will have to move by march.

the shooter was eventually shot by police, but no one knew for sure if it was multiple people. this was circulating, sent to me by my cousin:

he told me to listen to the police scanner, so i did. they were clearing every room, slowly, it took them hours to get to where my gf was, and along the way, anyone who stepped out, anyone who tried to flee, was pointed at with a rifle, held up by pigs, basically. the terrorism did not ever end for any of them, all at the brink of pissing themselves because they didn't want to scare a police officer and get killed. one of my gf's colleagues had a rifle pointed at him while he was trying to go piss, and they called him a straggler, and told him to fuck off, basically.

there was, simultaneous to the shooting, someone being arrested in a hotel, near campus, this seemed related to people online i think, but i never got a clear vision of what that was. all there is now, is one dead shooter, only attacking the business school building, specifically hunting down faculty after being told they would not hire him. he also sent out poisonous letters, it seems, to faculty of old schools he worked at, and places that also refused to hire him. he posted the content of the letters online. they aren't worth reproducing, i guess, they are wildly misogynistic, at the same rate, he seems to have been driven insane by academia, and pushed towards reactionary tendencies by being useless to help anyone really or accomplish anything in terms of making it not a special kind of hell. he accuses multiple people of fucking their students, he calls himself a genius constantly, he is paranoid of marxists, and on his website he also has a lot of writing re: conspiracy theories, he liked alex jones. overall, he was terrified and disgusted. he believed people he worked with were doing things like seeing child prostitutes in thailand, using work resources for csa materials. i don't know how much of that is paranoia directed at someone who might have been gay (this kind of accusation is common to level at gay people, as we see especially now), he even accused who i assume might have been lesbian coworkers of having their students give them head, or if this is somehow, a little real. i know these things do happen, teachers using their students. favors for sex between faculty, too. incapable of confronting the material causes of the hell we are in (actually dealing w/ marx intellectually/trying to understand) this particular business teacher/economist doubled down on the capitalist fantasy of meritocracies and conspiracy to account for his failings.

there is little sympathy, but there's something unpleasantly complicated about how he got to where he got. he was desperate for work, to cling to a life i guess. he took issue, and tried to kill faculty in the business school.

the police relocated many students out of their dorms, into a giant stadium, i don't know why, i guess to hunt for any potential other gunmen.

we saw my friends last night, after all of this, and we did fun stuff, but this other shit is still here, the unsurety of our housing, the guns, the police, but whatever i guess, right.

it's crazy seeing parts of the world act like this is all unreal. there is a massive amount of faith in the hyperreal, which maintains its existence, i wonder if baudrillard ever mentioned that. i don't recall, but in the semantic processes, the image making, the visions, the map that exceeds the territory, or the map which gifts us our territory, there is massive faith in those laws and processes, the positivity always, a super-ideal reality, there is only the heavensent, and so, tragedy, horror, abjection, are either absorbed as highly intentional events which seek to make something of humanity, or untrue totally. horror becomes either plan, god, or nothing at all.

everything defused, and at the center, the police managing, keep information blurry, they themselves not wanting to believe anything other than the activity they are engaged in is helpful, problems are imagined to keep the policing going, upwards, upwards, upwards. they do not realize it is all death, sinking into static images forever, no great upheavals, even the shooter is under this order, he doesn't realize that this is what he hates.

anyway, anyway, anyway, i don't know.

i don't think we live in a place where people are supposed to be, if you care about anything, there is only a terrible grinding, and not knowing. i've had nightmare about my girlfriend being killed like that. i'm so dependent on her. i don't know what i'd do. i don't like the world, i think maybe, i can admit, i don't like a lot of people. it's awful to say, i think. but everything is going to make me sick. hearing about teachers trying to keep school running like normal are so disgusting, and idiotic. the normal cannot disappear. people dying just has to be normal. there is no war on the public, there never was, new ways to die, urban hazards, there is nothing to see other than antibiotic responses to disease, and it's okay to see it.

the rodeo is in town, as she was taken to the stadium, she was taken thru barbed wire, and led in a snake-shaped path or something by a guy in army gear with an ar15, probably, and ended up somewhere in front of a barbecue food truck. there were cowboys milling around. as people were hiding in the dark i was watching the horses from our window, and the alarm and its robotic voice said words, they weren't even scared of it anymore, no whinnying. nothing.

it woke me up, i didn't think it could be that, my girlfriend told me it was and i didn't even ask if it was what i thought it could be. i don't know. she was in the dark, her colleagues argued, some at least, they were all horrified about this happening. obviously. nothing will happen, though. we are all going to collectively deal with the fact, and forced to act like this is not a fact, creating a quiet misery that we will either forget or use as staging grounds for a horrible kind of birth, of what i can hardly say, tumorous sadness i guess, that we now live in a world where this will never be taken back, and that there is no response possible, at least at the level of each of us alone. together, what could we do, all there is in my heart is the wish for a world wholly different.

i can't get over the email she received, and that we are unsure of what will happen. all either of us have done is live/survive, it feels like some kind of punishment.

i know it's not the whole world, and that landlords are especially shit. it's just extreme, i dunno, it feels like this is reproduced everywhere, on every level. maybe i am just winded and weak.

i am craving some sort of punishment, i just want to be ended but i want it to be funny i guess. that makes me greedy/selfish, i can't stop wanting it though. i just want to be exploded. tortured and left on the side of the road. right now is just that without the fun parts (possibly puking, blood, being connected to my body).

instead i am just distantly afraid.

an intolerable heat, i guess.

yesterday we saw the christmas lights at this chocolate factory. that was nice. it was very pretty, my gf saw these angel ornaments, all lit up and stuff, and she said they're like the ones in fwwm, to take me away, she meant it in a sweet way, but it made me realized all over again what that scene means to me, and how i felt then, just wanting to escape all of this awful stuff. but it's sad, i want to be here for her. i wish we could go away forever. into a life that is not shoved into various unrealities at all times.

anyway, look at these sprites from despiria.

i'm tired, now, so

byebye!!!!!!

[mellybabbles]

Responses to the harassment.

Mmm, so, to the 87+ anon messages I've gotten over night shaming my romantic feelings, and calling me a heartless dickhead and fucked up guy: I don't really like bringing negativity of ANY kind onto my blog, and usually avoid it in all cases, but honestly this is hilarious to me. You are ass hurt because what, I rejected one of the people you follow? I truly don't understand what you believe you'll gain from trying to get me to become public with my personal life only to shame it, but clearly not gaining what you want. For the person asking why I'm like this in a real rude way: For several years, I tracked down and reported pedophiles, and successfully threw away my childhood to try to prevent some cases of grooming, as I'd been a victim to it. Due to me doing so, I developed Alexithymia. I had to constantly act like this young person, that I really wasn't, and had to be subjected to so many disgusting, terrible things. To the people saying I'm a heartless fuck: Again, I have Alexithymia, so I really cannot understand all this. To the people calling the person I'm attracted to a whore: Fuck you. Baseless statements for baseless people. Do your research first, before flinging insults. To the person trying to actively track me down on separate social medias: You're terrible at covering up your tracks, and genuinely dedicate your life to something better. To everyone who has sent me hate generally:

For everyone anon message you send, it reveal more about you as a person, and it won't take long for me to figure out who you are. And most importantly. You're really just giving me amusement. I've been through a fuck ton, and your useless insults are hilarious. You're giving me more shit to laugh about occasionally, because really, I'm not on here to make close friends. I'm happy as a person, and I hope you know none of your hate or words could ever dent that.

[theunaestheticstudyblr]

Hi!

First of all I just came across your summary page um...tutorial? Yeah, let's call it that. I got interested in these summary pages, because I heard about this study method a lot, but never got the time to actually research this topic (most of the time I just forgot about it), but while I was scrolling on tumblr your post came in shining armor and now I grasp this concept, so thank you :D

(Some teacher once scolded me for using "first of all" and then forgetting to use for example "second of all" etc., so now I am doing it once again out of spite, I know this is useless information) Also I came with stupid, unrelated question. At first I didn't want to bother you with it, then I started thinking about writing this ask later, so it wouldn't be chaotic, but knowing me I would probably just give up on whole idea, so now I am writing this like impulsive fool because really I don't have anyone to ask it and maybe you will be able to answer it? I know that this ask is getting long and I didn't even ask the question lol

So on tumblr you have option to have sideblogs right? And lately I got once again into tumblr, I would like to post things, but I am quite chaotic and I have a lot of interests. So now I am between two options, both at the ends of the spectrum, which are having one blog for basically everything (art, photography, studyblog, some stupid interests) or million sideblogs for every little thing (and yeah there is no in between), so I wanted to ask which one of the option is less miserable in your opinion

Also I am aware this is futile and meaningless after all

And I do apologize for "this", english is not my native language and since I wrote it so impulsively it's probably bad

Hm, it's not my first ask here, my first was suprisingly not as anon, but since I might come here again to bother you atrociously let's call myself first letter of my username, (gosh this whole page of words is cringe I apologize)

-M

Hey love!!!!! Your English is beautiful and this was perfectly written. Also don't ever apologize for not being perfect at something ESPECIALLY if it's not something natural for you. I used to be fairly fluent in spanish (I've since lost it as I haven't spoken it in years after moving) and I used to apologize all the time and everyone I spoke to would constantly tell me it's ok and they're just happy I'm making an effort to communicate in a way that's easiest for them. I don't know your native language, but if it's Spanish and that's easier for you, PLEASE send asks or whatever in that language as I will be able to at least get the main idea of what you're saying!!!

And don't ever apologize for "bothering" me. I love asks! My whole job is basically answering questions all day long and I love it!!! And also I am very happy you found my last post useful!!! That means a lot to me!!!! Thank you!

Now to get to your question: it's honestly up to personal opinion, but I do have two side blogs, one for poetry and one for like everything else (art, flowers, photography, quotes, stories, etc). They're more like my comfort/happy blogs and I don't stress about them or making them look good or anything. They simply exist to make me happy. And I like to be able to have them separate from this blog because then they don't feel like I have to put effort into them like I do with this blog. So maybe have a main blog for things you want to put effort into and a side blog for everything else?

But thank you lovely for the ask and the small stories! I love long and random asks and messages like this!! Have a wonderful day!!!

[tehjleck]

Since I can’t directly send you a dm I send you my message through here.

You constantly commenting on my post the same message is immature and ridiculous. I will stop deleting your nonsense but I would appreciate it if you stopped. It is getting quite abusive.

Thank you, God bless you

You know, even with you calling me 'immature and ridiculous', and calling my comments 'nonsense' - I may have considered just blocking you, so I won't have to see YOUR immature, ridiculous christian nonsense... but... then you added that last bit, a useless "blessing" from your fake fucking god.

Listen up... It's not abusive when people don't agree with you and say so... it's not abusive when people who don't share your personal delusions comment on PUBLICLY MADE POSTS and you're not a 'poor, oppressed christian' because of it.

You want me to post different things? You first, theist. You guys post the same tired lies every fucking time. Get some new material. Your god is a fictional character, you can head-canon it how ever you want.

To directly answer your ask... No. I will comment on whatever fucking public posts of yours or anyone else's that I choose to. Don't like it, pray to your fake god to stop me.

[b0mblover]

Sammy- An Intro

By: J

aka “wait j has ocs?”

this uh actually was more of a test to see if i could sit down and write tbh, it isnt really all that intresting. at all.

i uh, you guys will never guess what the name sammy/samuel is to me! like actually probably never 💀

if you cant tell, im taking the “project onto ur ocs” very literally rn.

gen info at the end.

———————

sitting at a desk, there is a man, not short, not tall, not dull- but not bright.

‘sammy’ he assumes his name to be, its whats wrote on everything.

The weak pink and purple glow of the lava lamp- certainly not befitting of such a man- illuminating some of his desk.

1 in the morning, staring at his laptop, messages between him and ‘someone special’ 

(red is sammy) 

“would it be ok then?”

“sure, if thats what you want dear”

“alr then”

“when do i start working on it?”

“uhuhhhh ill send u the stuff when its time”

“alr alr”

he knew he was no animator- barely an artist, if you could even call him that.

he still didnt understand just how he got tangled up with such a person, he hadnt talked to anyone in years.

—————————

sammy opened his eyes, firstly noticing the cold sweat on his body.

it has been 6 years since then, and yet he still has nightmares about it.

15:00. the clock on the far wall read 3 pm, washed in blue light.

sighing, he shoved himself from his bed and threw on a t-shirt, gray, heavy. he thought of checking his phone but, he didnt want to be bothered with anyone today.

October 15. in a way, he dreaded it. the day everything went wrong.

The day he was born.

for all of his life, it had been ignored, in a way, he knew he /wanted/ to celebrate it, but found it to be, in his own words, useless.

He stared in the mirror, semi brushing his hair with his right hand, looking at his own reflection, something he loathed with a passion. sighing once again, he grabbed a lighter and cigarette box and headed out side.

he put the fag between his lips and lit it, shoving the lighter back into his pocket and taking a drag off of the stick. he knew he should stop, hes known since he was a kid, and yet, hes still smoked for 12 years.

he stood in solace, only shaking slightly, only truly moving to take another hit off the cigarette.

around 6 minutes he crumbled up the cig, before putting it back into the box, he would dispose of it properly later, for now, he had to work on things.

—————————

sitting down at that same desk- now washed over with blue light instead of pink- he picked up a tablet, before propping it up (LOOK IDK I USE FUCKING GLUE BOTTLE LEAVE ME ALONEEEEE), that project for his so called ‘dearest’, they stopped talking so long ago, and yet, he wouldnt stop working on it, sammy wasn’t superstitious per se, nor religous, but, it hadnt left his mind for years, haunting him constantly. he was never given any direction, it was supposed to be a group project, hell he didnt even know if the project had /ever/ been finished. he didnt even know what part he was supposed to make.

so he did the only logical (to him) thing, 

animate all of it. 

he had never planned on becoming an animator, not even an artist, but it drove him mad.

for two years, constantly redoing scenes, redrawing frames, everything, he swore to himself that hed never stop until it was good enough, and that, he made sure of.

——————-

gen info/ ref for myself bc man ill never remember this shit!

Samuel/Sammy, male, 22, born 15 oct 1987 (present day 2009), ‘right hand dominate’, black hair, pale ass motherfucker doesnt get any sunlight besides smoking sometimes basically fucking pale as shit.

idk abt height and shit yet, have fun with this ig??? btw didnt look over this in the slighest, sorry for any typos.

[bubsub69]

Entry 8

28/05/2023 15:49

I'm trying to move on from her but it's really hard, i messaged some people but even on the first one i was shaking over the send button, because i don't want to move on, i want to wait for her to reply, i want to be with her, no matter how hard she ghosts me, but yeah i still sent some messages, 3 from reddit and 2 on chaster, no replies yet but its not really looking great

its so frustrating to browse through chaster as well, i was looking for some locks with interactions and theres so many people there that are findoms, fucking hate that shit, just want to have an actual relationship not talking to someone that treats this as her job, but considering the ratio of sub guys and dom women its kind of inevitable, just browsing through personal subreddits that shit becomes so clear, a shit ton of M4F posts with no upvotes and the few F4M ones all have at least a couple of upvotes, which is also what made me really like her in the first place, she picked my shitty 6 line introduction over the 10 paragraph essays of the charming princes, maybe she liked how im a person of few words or just how even in introductory text im a shy mess, but i guess after meeting me she changed her mind..

Still waiting for her to start a conversation, literally anything even just a hi just showing that she cares about me but i guess thats asking too much, conversation hasnt progressed after she said she was moving and her twitter still doesnt have anything besides her first tweet so i cant stalk her from there either. I guess i just have to be patient and wait for one of the messages i sent yesterday to get a reply of something os just keep trying to find someone else, but im so tired of waiting, i keep telling myself to be patient but im sick of being patient, yesterday was the 1 month aniversary of talking with her and im still only have 1 video call with her and this marks one week of not talking to her at all, i dont even know how to start a conversation with her anymore, i cant ask her if she found a house it obviously doesnt take a fucking week even if she is squatting at an ex's house, and now that i think of it how does she have an ex in portugal, did she seriously already date and breakup with someone in her time in portugal? i guess she was here for a bit before she permanently moved here, i probably couldve asked her about that but asking that a week later is weird. back to the waiting and patience i guess, my favourite.

Since im in a this marks x mood this was also the biggest interval where i didnt write in here and i kinda know why. For some time i thought i got the sadness™ from post nut clarity but during chastity i constantly had the sadness™ and was fine for a bit after the cage broke and i gave up, (speaking off i tried glueing it but it broke again.. twice so rip to the ring i guess) but this i was busy with the security project and hanging out with people helped me to not be a sad fuck, i laughed and cracked some jokes, you know being a normal human being, but it just goes to show, its like all those greentexts say, having a girlfriend wont solve all your problems, and in my case its having friends but i guess im too much of a useless fuck to get those either unless its in a work context.