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mingiswow · 11 months ago

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Chapter 02

CW: mentions of anxiety, depression, and social anxiety, commentary on the industry, Hyunjin being a menace to Jisung, political commentary (?)

a/n: thank you so much for everyone who read the last chapter and for everyone's feedback. As always, taglist is open, feedback is appreciated, English is not my first language so sorry if there are any mistakes.

Y/N's POV

“A what?” I asked, unbelieving of my company’s director’s words, my voice cracking mid-sentence like a teenager.

After finishing my recording, me and Jiah went straight back to the company for the meeting with the director as scheduled. I was expecting anything but that.

“I know this is something new, but the government is studying to change a few things in the industry. And that includes things related to the idols’ image” the man said, unfazed by the idea.

Choi Hyunjae, the company’s director and founder, was a young man with a young mind. He founded the company as only a producing company. He wanted to create music with intent, with meaning. After a while, he decided to release a few artists under the company’s name, none of them in the K-pop industry. Not that they weren’t good, quite the opposite, it’s just that the industry wasn’t their goal, it never was. These artists, just like me and Hyunjae, wanted to put their art into the world while still being themselves.

Director Choi was the one who contacted me first, I was losing my hope of working in music back then, already getting a job at a local gimbap restaurant as a waitress. But one day he recognized me and asked if I wanted to work for him, just as a lyricist and producer. “If you don’t want to go back to stages that’s up to you, I just think is a shame the world to lose such an amazing writer as you, your lyrics are emotionally raw and I know a lot of people enjoy your music” was what he said to me back then, leaving me with a few days to think about and decide.

After signing the contract with his company, I worked for months writing and producing, but even though I loved doing that, I missed the chaos, the buzzing, the screams, the thrill of being on stage, the lights on you as you pour your heart out. So eventually I went back to doing my thing.

“But don’t you think a PR relationship is a step too big?” it was Jiah’s turn to speak, her voice calm, but I knew she was as lost as me. “Why this sudden change in the business model? This feels a little bit like a trap”.

“With the rising pressure of the US in the country and the recent break of the political and commercial alliance with China, the minister thinks is better to try to change a little bit” the man spoke again, his relaxed state showing he seemed rather stoked with the idea. “According to the minister, and I have to agree with the old man here, if they are going to keep focusing on the international market, they need to change the international view on our rules” he took a sip of his coffee, and leaned on his table, hands crossing. “The regular public already has a rather romanticized vision of our artists, but we need to prove we are like this, especially with the number of foreigners coming to the country”.

“But isn’t that even more unfair? These girls come here expecting something they won’t have” I spoke, that I was the worst part of my job, being part of this scheme, of this play-pretend. “And I get K-pop is dated and the fans are even more aware of the industry, but why not start with something simple like letting us be ourselves? And most importantly, why me?”

“Because you are our little chain-breaker, the odd one, and because the fuzz with Lee Ryuk gave them the perfect opportunity to test it out. That is, if you want to, I won’t force you to do anything” Director Choi smiled.

“Let’s say I accept the deal,” I said, my hands getting sweaty with anxiety once again that day, “what will I get with this?”

“Who will be her boyfriend?” that was a very good question. Who would accept this suicide mission?

Considering this could majorly affect anyone’s career, the most I’d get would be probably an idol from a small nugu group, or a small soloist. And even then, I would already consider myself lucky if anyone accepted this. I saw what happened before, idols being kicked out of their groups, and if not, having their so-called fans demanding their expulsion, sending death threats, giving black oceans at concerts. It wasn’t an easy change. It was something that needed to be done with time, little by little. Yet, that change was being given to me, put on my lap. I had the power to, at least try, to change the industry I was in.

“Once you accept, we will have two weeks to collect candidates” Hyunjae spoke. “You both would also get even more security, trained soldiers from the actual army, as well as psychological support”.

“Psychological support? They really are trying to change things up” Jiah sounded a little ironic.

“Actually, that was something I asked for, I won’t risk the mental well-being of my artist or anyone else”.

“Of course it was you, the government would never care about us” I rolled my eyes, arms crossing on top of my chest.

“I know it’s scary, but just know I’ll be here with you throughout all of this” director Choi squeezed my forearm gently, a soft smile on his lips. “And, again, you don’t need to accept. It’s up to you. I‘ll give you a few days to think if you need it, ok? Talk to your therapist, talk to Jiah, your friends, take your time”.

I simply nodded not knowing how to act or even respond. I took a deep breath. What did I want? I didn’t know. To be honest, I was very scared of the idea, it was a big commitment, not only for me, or the company, but also for the entire industry and the future of it. What if even with the psychological support I couldn’t handle it? What if the person was even worse than Ryuk? What if no one signed for it? There were so many questions in my head.

The whole ordeal scared me more than I expected, and how wouldn’t it? When I entered the doors of the company I expected everything but that. Deep down I wished I had only to write a stupid handwritten note apologizing and saying that me and Ryuk were only good friends. But to sign a PR relationship contract was never in my mind.

“Again YN, you have complete freedom to say no. Now go home and rest, Jiah and I cleared your schedule” the man got up from his chair, and I followed his gesture. He held me gently by my shoulders. “You know you are our little kid here in the company and I see you as my own kid. That being said, I would never put you in something I feel like it would be bad for you” I nodded as he hugged me. “Now go, I have to deal with a fucking plagiarism again, seem like that company loves our music, doesn’t it?” I giggled knowing exactly what he was talking about.

Me and Jiah left the building and went straight to our apartment, even after years we still lived together. Not only did it cut costs on our living, but also was very convenient. But also because I hated living alone.

The ride to our apartment was quiet, the radio playing some soft tune that I didn’t care to recognize, while the radio in my brain kept playing the director’s words over and over again. Sometimes the radio turned into a theater and started to play my most anxious thoughts. I tried to close the curtains, but it was hard, my apocalyptic thoughts taking over.

What if? what if? WHAT IF? WHAT IF? WHAT IF?

“I know that head of yours is already full of bullshit” it was the first words that came out of JIah’s mouth as soon as we entered the apartment. She knew me so well. “Go straight to the bathroom, make yourself a warm bath with the most relaxing bath bombs and bath salts you can find, put on that playlist that quiets down your brain, and while that I’ll make us a delicious lunch, okay?”

“Yes, mom” even with the irony in my tone, I was already taking my clothes off and grabbing my speaker.

Han’s POV

The people on the street already started to leave the establishments, feet stumbling, too drunk for their own good. The doors closing and leaving only the workers inside, the lights lighting the dark starless night sky as I watched Seoul slowly starting to go to sleep as I envied them, their simple, normal, and seemly easy life.

I loved comeback season as much as I hated it. I loved the creative part, the writing, the recording, the producing, the practicing with the boys. I loved all of this. I like that even on the hardest days we manage to have fun with each other. This was the fun part.

What I hated the most was the public presentations, the pressure of doing everything perfectly, the nerve of having to remember the lyrics and dance moves and maintain myself calm, having to deal with the swarm of people and camera flashes and sasaengs and still smile like nothing affected my mental state. Not to mention having to interact with some people as fake as their nose bridges and waists, and sometimes people that I admired. Like today, when I almost made a fool out of myself in front of one of my absolute role models.

“Earth to Jisung~ah” Minho, who always seems to notice when I’m too much into my brain, took me out of my inner monologue. “Are you okay?” he asked, hand on my shoulder as Felix and Hyuinjin happily talked about their interaction with Viviz in the front seats. I nodded in automatic mode, not sure if I was really okay. “Are you sure?”

The thing about Minho is that we have a really strong bond, which means we get along, but also means he knows how to read all my signs. Good or bad.

“I’m just a little tired, that’s all” I said, which wasn't a lie, I had the tendency of closing myself in my own world when I was tired or overwhelmed. Or both. As Jeongin liked to call it ‘when my brain got smoother than raw chicken breasts’.

“You do know we have dinner with manager-nim now, right?”

“More like breakfast, it’s literally 2AM” the older one rolled his eyes, always the loving one. “I know I just hoped I could say I’m not feeling well and go to bed”.

“As if that ever worked” even though it made me want to sulk and pout like a little kid he was right, that never worked, for any of us. Never.

Another of the worst parts of this job is that it wasn’t just a job, it was almost a life sentence, 24/7 locked in this cage, in this zoo, where people from all around the world looked at you, watched you perform, clapped at you but didn’t seem to see the pile of dirt and whatever fetid and putrid things you can imagine behind me. The pieces of my own skin and life I was leaving bit by bit in that pile.

It has been almost two weeks that I haven't had more than three hours of sleep per day. Living on coffee mixed with Pepsi mixed with energy drinks, and pills to keep us awake (that I wouldn’t be surprised if had some type of illegal drug in it). Thank god I didn’t need to diet much seeing that I worked out a lot, because if on top of all that I had to cut food income, I wouldn’t be here today.

“Does this meeting have to be today?” I threw my head back, a low groan leaving my lips, disappointment clear.

“What is Jisung complaining about now?” It was Hyunjin’s voice. I rolled my eyes, an old habit.

“He’s just tired, you know how he gets when he’s like that” Minho answered for me, his hand caressing my hair and I allowed myself to relax for the first time in so long. When was the last time someone touched my hair?

A low satisfied groan left my lips and the boys chuckled.

“You need a partner, Sungie” Felix spoke, and even though I couldn’t see due to my eyes being closed enjoying Minho’s playing with my hair I knew he turned his body to look at me with a smile on his face. “You’ve been pretty stressed lately, you need someone to talk to, to confide to, to play with your hair…”

“To wet your cookie on…” Hyunjin complemented and laughed at his joke.

“As if you’re getting some yourself” I responded a little ruder that I intended but sometimes it seemed that sex was all that he thought about.

He was about to answer with a witty response when his phone rang. By the responses he was giving it was our manager on the other line, probably mad that we were late or some. But I couldn’t be less bothered about it.

I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of Minho’s fingertips, now completely stilled, on top of my head, the heaviness of them making home on my scalp as I drifted off to sleep.

I dreamed of me, my future partner, and our kids living a secluded life on a farm with a bunch of animals.

Taglist (open): @venusmoonxnight @hanstarrs @mrskill2 @cupidcures @yoontaethings @soupbinlily @luvyev @adorawritesalot