#christian can mean a lot of things
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Can yall shut the fuck up .. like honestly I get how u feel but if she has to keep saying over and over again it's her own religion it gets tiring like honestly shut up nobody cares.. yall act like God himself is reading the fics in disapproval it's laughable atp...
#ೃ༝💌⁀➷ 𝓀𝒾𝓏𝓏𝒶𝓉мαιℓ#tysm pookies#like aint nobody actually catholic had a problem with it#christian can mean a lot of things#we dont even believe the exact same thing depending on the denomination#so its silly to cape for catholics#ESPECIALLY when if this was the inquisition days they would burn you for being christian and not catholic specifically#we have a racist sexist transophoic criminal clown in office and they worried about a smut fic on tumblr that isnt even all that popular.#perspective is needed
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Imagine if Machete was Muslim instead of Catholic. His name would be something like Saif سيف, and Vasco would probably be something like Dhahabi ذَهَبِيّ
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#I don't know Arabic so I can't weigh in that much but if you say so!#it seems like these mean “sword” and “golden” respectively that's neat#Machete wouldn't be able to cling to his Catholic guilt in that case#I don't think Islam has the same concept of original sin that Christianity does#I'm simplifying but it's a belief that humans are born with an innate tendency for evil sinning is part of our nature#and staying on the positive and in God's good graces requires a lot of repentance which can lead to excess guilt and shame#I could be wrong but I'm under the impression that this idea of a manufacturing error is a very Christian thing#sorry I know you didn't sign up to hear me try to talk about big theology things and I don't want to make it weird#but I find this stuff really interesting I unironically like to read and think about how religions work#and how they shape things they come in contact with#in Machete's case in particular his troubled relationship with God and his career choice are big parts of his character#and why he turned the way he did and thinks the way he does you know#answered#kachavashka#Dhahabi is such a regal sounding name#I'd steal that in a heartbeat if I didn't already have one extremely gold-coded character
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actually i'm still thinking about the moral orel finale.
he has a cross on his wall. do you know how much i think about that bc it's a lot.
a lot of stories ((auto)biographical or fictional) centering escape from abusive/fundamentalist christianity result in the lead characters leaving behind christianity entirely. and that makes complete sense! people often grow disillusioned with the associated systems and beliefs, and when it was something used to hurt them or something so inseparable from their abuse that they can't engage with it without hurting, it makes total sense that they would disengage entirely. and sometimes they just figure out that they don't really believe in god/a christian god/etc. a healthy deconstruction process can sometimes look like becoming an atheist or converting to another religion. it's all case by case. (note: i'm sure this happens with other religions as well, i'm just most familiar with christian versions of this phenomenon).
but in orel's case, his faith was one of the few things that actually brought him comfort and joy. he loved god, y'know? genuinely. and he felt loved by god and supported by him when he had no one else. and the abuses he faced were in how the people in his life twisted religion to control others, to run away from themselves, to shield them from others, etc. and often, orel's conflicts with how they acted out christianity come as a direct result of his purer understanding of god/jesus/whatever ("aren't we supposed to be like this/do that?" met with an adult's excuse for their own behavior or the fastest way they could think of to get orel to leave them alone (i.e. orel saying i thought we weren't supposed to lie? and clay saying uhhh it doesn't count if you're lying to yourself)). the little guy played catch with god instead of his dad, like.. his faith was real, and his love was real. and i think it's a good choice to have orel maintain something that was so important to him and such a grounding, comforting force in the midst of. All That Stuff Moralton Was Up To/Put Him Through. being all about jesus was not the problem, in orel's case.
and i know i'm mostly assuming that orel ended up in a healthier, less rigid version of christianity, but i feel like that's something that was hinted at a lot through the series, that that's the direction he'd go. when he meditates during the prayer bee and accepts stephanie's different way to communicate, incorporating elements of buddhism into his faith; when he has his I AM A CHURCH breakdown (removing himself from the institution and realizing he can be like,, the center of his own faith? taking a more individualistic approach? but Truly Going Through It at the same time), his acceptance (...sometimes) of those who are different from him and condemned by the adults of moralton (stephanie (lesbian icon stephanie my beloved), christina (who's like. just a slightly different form of fundie protestant from him), dr chosenberg (the jewish doctor from otherton in holy visage)). his track record on this isn't perfect, but it gets better as orel starts maturing and picking up on what an absolute shitfest moralton is. it's all ways of questioning the things he's been taught, and it makes sense that it would lead to a bigger questioning as he puts those pieces together more. anyway i think part of his growth is weeding out all the lost commandments of his upbringing and focusing on what faith means to him, and what he thinks it should mean. how he wants to see the world and how he wants to treat people and what he thinks is okay and right, and looking to religion for guidance in that, not as like. a way to justify hurting those he's afraid or resentful of, as his role models did.
he's coming to his own conclusions rather than obediently, unquestioningly taking in what others say. but he's still listening to pick out the parts that make sense to him. (edit/note: and it's his compassion and his faith that are the primary motivations for this questioning and revisal process, both of individual cases and, eventually, the final boss that is christianity.) it makes perfect sense as the conclusion to his character arc and it fits the overall approach of the show far better. it's good is what i'm saying.
and i think it's important to show that kind of ending, because that's a pretty common and equally valid result of deconstruction. and i think it cements the show's treatment of christianity as something that's often (and maybe even easily) exploited, but not something inherently bad. something that can be very positive, even. guys he even has a dog he's not afraid of loving anymore. he's not afraid of loving anyone more than jesus and i don't think it's because he loves this dog less than bartholomew (though he was probably far more desperate for healthy affection and companionship when he was younger). i think it's because he figures god would want him to love that dog. he's choosing to believe that god would want him to love and to be happy and to be kind. he's not afraid of loving in the wrong way do you know how cool that is he's taking back control he's taking back something he loves from his abusers im so normal
#i had a really big fundie snark phase a year or two ago so that's part of like. this. but im still not used to actually talking about#religious stuff so if it reads kinda awkwardly uhh forgive me orz idk#maybe it sounds dumb but i like that the message isn't 'religion is evil'. it easily could have been. but i think the show's points about#how fundie wasp culture in particular treats christianity and itself and others would be less poignant if they were like. and jesus sucks#btw >:] like. this feels more nuanced to me. i guess there's probably a way to maintain that nuance with an ultimately anti-christian#piece of media but i think it'd be like. wayy harder and it's difficult for me to imagine that bc i think a lot of it would bleed out into#the tone. + why focus on only These christians when They're All also bad? so you'd get jokes about them in general#and i think that's kinda less funny than orel and doughy screaming and running from catholics lsdkjfldksj#i think the specificity makes it more unique and compelling as comedy and as commentary. but that's just me#like moralton represents a very particular kind of christian community (namely a middle class fundie wasp nest)#you're not gonna be able to get in the weeds as much if you're laughing at/criticizing all christians. but they accomplish it so thoroughly#and WELL in morel and i think that's because it chose a smaller target it can get to dissect more intimately. anyway#moral orel#orel puppington#(OH also when i say wasp here i mean WASP the acronym. as in white anglo-saxon protestsant. in case the term's new to anyone <3)#maybe it's also relevant to say that i'm kindaaaaaaaa loosely vaguely nonspecifically christian. so there's my bias revealed#i was never raised like orel but i like to think i get some of what's going on in there y'know. in that big autistic head of his#but it's not like i can't handle anti-christian/anti-religious media/takes. i'm a big boy and also i v much get why it's out there yknow#christianity in specific has a lot of blood on its hands from its own members and from outsiders and people have a right to hate it for tha#but religion in all its forms can be positive and i appreciate the nuance. like i've said around 20 times. yeah :) <3#(<- fighting for my life to explain things even though my one job is to be the explainer)
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I have a germ of a theory that good Christian fiction has stories that are less about shaving down your personality to meet some specific mold of what a good Christian looks like, and more about "how gloriously different are all the saints."
Not that the Christian life doesn't involve fighting against our own sinful nature and conforming ourselves to Christ-like behavior, but I think it makes for better, more realistic, and more universal stories when you also recognize that people have different gifts and flaws and they're going to be called to use their unique personalities to serve the kingdom of God in their own unique way, instead of assuming everyone has to conform themselves to a very specific (often secular-culturally based) image of good behavior. It makes for a much more vibrant story.
#catholic things#books#i'm still ruminating on charlotte yonge#because i usually contrast modern christian fiction with how the classics incorporated christianity#but she's the first classic victorian author i've found that i'd describe as writing christian fiction#which makes for a more direct comparison#she did handle religion in some very good ways#but i tried another of her books after 'heir'#and it reminded me of what i didn't like about the childhood section of 'heir'#but magnified a lot#she wants to show her children overcoming flaws#but she has a very narrow english anglo-catholic view of goodness#and that means her idea of christianity can come across as very judgemental and narrow-minded#things that are not actually sins in and of themselves are treated as moral failings inherent to other cultures#and the kids spend so much time worrying about cutting out sin that you don't get to see enough of their unique personality#i'd be willing to try more from her but i think i'd have to stick to the stories about adult characters
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I am not a psychologist so I have no clue if this is just my own crackpot theory or what. And my apologies if I’m speaking out of my ass here.
We were not made for a fallen world. We were made for Eden. Since we have to live in this world corrupted by sin, the brain does what it has to in order to survive.
A toddler doesn’t know what “hot” means, until one day you warn the child not to touch a plate because it’s “hot,” they touch anyways, they feel the sting, and now they understand what “hot” means. The brain, now acknowledging this is something that can be a threat, has an immediate response to “hot.” Anytime someone says “hot,” we immediately recoil and make sure we don’t touch whatever is believed to be hot. The brain is simply trying to survive.
I think there’s a similar thing happening with trauma response. It’s the brain doing the same thing, but to such an extreme degree that it’s almost impossible to function. If someone survives a near fatal car crash, they may panic when they go near a car. Why? Because the brain has learned this thing to be an immediate and serious threat. The brain is now trained to fear and recoil. If you lived in a war zone and learned to sleep with one eye open so to speak, the brain is now trained to sense danger at every turn, especially when you’re in such a vulnerable state as sleep. You’re living in a constant state of anxiety because you expect a fatal threat. It’s why sudden noises and movements can trigger anxiety.
The brain is doing what it does. It adapts to perceived threats for survival. This heightened state of anxiety is deemed necessary by the brain, but we were not made to live in such a state. We cant. So the brain is, ironically, slowly killing itself. The brain is rewired and burned out and always looking for that next serious threat. It’s always reminding us that the threat looms. It’s where the subconscious lives. It’s why there’s constant anxiety, why there’s nightmares.
Of course, this can be exacerbated if the trauma is accompanied by severe grief or guilt.
This brings me to my point. If you would not tell someone to just pray the cancer away, I don’t think you can tell them to just pray the trauma away. We’re talking about a real physiological problem happening.
I think grief and guilt can be assuaged by the gospel. But the brain’s inner working itself? It’s a medical problem the same as any other. God absolutely can heal trauma same as cancer, but sometimes he doesn’t. Faith can absolutely bring about peace in hardships and give us the strength to carry on, but it’s not a guarantee that God will remove the hardship. That would be prosperity gospel.
And with all of this we can also recognize that certain treatments or habits may help relieve symptoms without fully curing, it exists on a medical spectrum.
And I think this is true about a lot of mental illness.
For the record, I think most mental illness in modern America is actually spiritual illness. And I think most psychologists are looney tunes. But people abusing a certain field of study and being stupid and misdiagnosing doesn’t negate the field of study as a whole.
If every sick person who walks into a doctors office no matter the symptoms gets diagnosed with cancer, it means the doctor is a quack and we have a problem of over diagnosis of a disease. But it doesn’t mean the disease isn’t real and that a certain percentage of the population doesn’t actually suffer from it. That would be a downright foolish thought.
Hormones, brain function, all of it can affect the mind. The brain is a complex organ. We still can’t fully understand it. And I don’t think we ever will. We know the brain can affect the mind. If it didn’t, people with TBIs would never suffer from sudden mental illness or personality shifts.
It seems wholly unchristian to deny the reality of both our body and the fallen state of the world.
#I mean we can debate treatments and that all day#I for one think exposure therapy goes a lot further than talk therapy most of the time#because if the brain is wired wrongly#we need to actively rewire it#and certain things come about not because of a certain event#but by birth#just like someone might be born with a hole in their heart#it’s possible for someone to be born with a brain not functioning right#but these are all a million different rabbit trails#but boy I am tired of the ‘just be a good Christian and you won’t have problems’#mindset of MacArthur and crew
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my haterism really does blind me because i actually would not mind jason growing up catholic. however. catholics are so entitled that anytime ive expressed the mildest disinterest in that i've had people upset with me for saying that I dont engage with a character (who is not canonically catholic) as catholic. so on principle i have to remain a hater
#and i dont mean my relatively recent post abt hating christian jason that one was hostile i'll happily admit that#but like years ago i said it's not my thing a couple of time and ppl acted like i snatched their crosses away from them#anyways to briefly break my own rule: ive always rlly liked it coming from willis' side rather than cathy's as is more popular in canon (yes#they can both be catholics. i just dont particularly want her to be. maybe her family was. and i hc her as latina so that would be the#context for her). i feel like it has a lot to add to willis and how jason perceives willis' struggle. still not personally into catholic#jason tho im not that open minded and accepting#regardless. it's a sign of growth for me that i am admitting this at all instead of shifting my energy into another anti catholicism post
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One of the most beautiful things about being a Christian is the fact that I can take my sorrows, my worries, my pain, my joys, my desires, my hope--all of it!--directly to God. And he cares about it. Even when it's small and personal, and even when it's so big I can't deal with it myself. I can take all of it to him, and I know he will take care of it.
#there is so much peace even when I have a lot to trouble me#i was absolutely devastated today to learn something (it doesn't directly affect me but it hurts me to know about it)#and I couldn't deal with it myself#and I haven't been the greatest at keeping actively in prayer recently#but this was so big I had to take it to God right away#and the peace I have now that I've done that is so great#sometimes it feels like “WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING”#and i don't for a second want to dissuade someone from doing something if they have the means and the abilities and the backing to do it#BY ALL MEANS IF THE LORD WILLS IT GO AND DO IT#but some things are beyond our abilities#beyond us in every way#but if it still bothers us we can take it to God and rest assured that in taking it to him#we have done more than if we had personally tackled the issue ourselves#because what is impossible even for the most powerful person on earth is not impossible with God#and we are promised that if we pray in accordance to his will he will answer those prayers#so i have taken my pain to God and I came back feeling renewed#what a friend we have in Jesus#how blessed to be able to take my sorrow to the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE#i am so grateful for being the uniquely Christian ability to approach our God and speak to him directly#he is so so good
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I've seen some very odd takes about certain language used in the scene where Mizrak rebukes Olrox at the end of Castlevania: Nocturne, which I think might be due to lack of knowledge about the historical context of certain things.
CW: historical racism against First Nation groups
I know reading academic articles isn't for everyone, but I have to wonder if a lot of people in the Castlevania: Nocturne fandom have not watched things like, say, Disney's 1995 animated Pocahontas, which, for all its many, many flaws, features the song, Savages. I'm not going to quote it in full here, you can find the song lyrics elsewhere (though the European colonizers do use the lines "vermin" and "barely even human", among other epithets). It's not a great song for a lot of reasons (among them being it tries to "both sides" things). But to look at the scene in CN where Mizrak, a Christian working in a European Christian church with at least some Europeans, calls Olrox, a First Nation man, an animal without the understanding of how Christian European colonizers (typically as part of or at least backed by some Christian churches) have viewed First Nation peoples and treated them, and certain epithets used for them, and how European Christian dehumanization of "new world" groups and non-Christians generally worked/works?
Well.
#castlevania nocturne#mizrak#racism#olrox#I mean it's probably a good thing people aren't watching the very racist movie#but it's weird considering the movie's impact on audiences and media generally and how well known it is#european and christian dehumanization of non-Christians and other marginalized peoples is well-known#and it has been weaponized many many times#to look at how Mizrak is specifically weaponizing that and ignoring what he is doing is a choice#also to ignore how Mizrak himself likely faced similar racism#and as a member of a marginalized group likely learned to weaponize himself after joining#which is a common thing as well in part as a survival tactic so you do not become a target of the in-group and get ostracized#you don't have to watch the Disney movie to know this stuff#it's just unfortunately probably a way a lot of people know about the phenomenon#like idk what do you think Christian Missions are for#a lot is happening in the scene and I'm not averse to the take that Mizrak is being very specific for a variety of reasons#I just think he is very aware of what he is saying#and why#don't see em as much lately but back when the show first came out stuff was wild#and some of the comments on my fics well#bigotry#I think the crew are doing very specific things about the weaponization of language#and how racism was used for colonization#and for indoctrination#and that is I guess still flying over folks' heads#like it's a double thing#vampires are considered animals by humans#but the word can have lots of meanings#like we've had the 'tired of elves being fantasy metaphors for racism' discourse#what do folks think vampires are
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If you actually believe suicide is punishable by eternal damnation and that applies to Javert as well, you must invariably also apply this logic to Valjean, who starved himself to death. A passive suicide is still suicide; it doesn’t stop being so just because you prefer one character to another. To pretend like Valjean didn’t commit suicide and goes to heaven but that Javert must go to hell is just outright incorrect and biased on every level. They either both went to heaven or both went to hell, but you can’t have it two different ways.
Hey thanks for the ask /gen!
I don't believe suicide sends you to hell. I've been pretty careful to specify that *Catholic doctrine in the past* (as I'm not aware of their current position) has taught that suicide is a mortal sin (you can even see this attitude in Hamlet, in which the characters are Catholic), but I am not Catholic, nor do I believe that doctrine was ever true.
Your salvation is not gained or lost by your virtue or sin. Salvation is given by God: "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, so that no man can boast" (Ephesians 2:8-9).
Narratively, how this applies to Valjean vs. Javert is that Valjean accepts his salvation and the mercy shown to him, while Javert, because of his pride and shame (among other reasons) rejects it and instead commits suicide. Neither of them "deserved" a second chance, but both of them were offered it; Valjean took it, and Javert did not.
God will not force you into heaven, but He does make the Way (through faith in Christ) available to everyone. The tragedy of Javert is that he is unwilling to accept that God's path is not the path he thought it was, and instead of living a new life in light of this truth, he ends his life in rejection of it. And in doing so, he condemns himself, when mercy was right in front of him--as so many choose to do.
#also genuinely not sure where the idea that i prefer jvj/am biased against javert is coming from? i really like both of their characters#i don't think hugo intended javert to be redeemed by the narrative and there are many reasons for that (especially given his symbolic role)#but that doesn't mean i hate him and think he 'deserved what he got' or anything lol. he's fascinating and flawed and i love him#les miserables#javert#les mis#inspector javert#meta#my meta posts#my christianity#also yes i am definitely a christian and that comes up a lot in my discussion of les mis as it is a very christian work!#if anyone is curious about more of my views on things like how the characters understand faith i would LOVE to infodump about that#bc jvj AND javert both have a messed up version of faith/religion in their minds but i think the story does critique this#anyways all that to say esp with an ask like this that directly touches on faith/doctrinal issues i'm gonna get pretty in the weeds with it#just wanted to give a heads-up#kay is a classical literature nerd#kay has a party in the tags#responses aka the ramblings of my brain#kay can i just catch my breath for a second#and ALSO also of course there's more than just religious symbolism in javert's suicide. i'm just focusing on that angle bc of the ask
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idk if it means anything really, but i think it's interesting how after all their time together as a couple in a christianity-adjacent world, lucifer and lilith only had one (1) child, and it was only 200 years ago at that
#for a show based on a religion notorious for the expectation put on women to become mothers (especially at a young age)#(and in certain extreme cases the only real role of a woman being essentially that of a breeding tool/incubator)#it's a neat detail (though quite likely unintentional) that the Ultimate 1 Most Horrible Sinner Couple betrayed heaven's rules#then went on to have a long (happy? generally successful?) relationship without needing/rushing to have children#presumably satisfied with one another rather than feeling obligated to make themselves “useful”#I feel it really highlights exactly the sort of differences that came of lilith choosing lucifer over adam#like no wonder amirite.#freedom for lilith was as small and inherent a thing as bodily autonomy (👀); as getting to have a relationship where she can be loved for#who she is instead of what services she can provide#the show obviously mentions this a lot in other ways but to me a main example of this is the childlessness in their marriage#again idk if it means much but i haven't seen this talked about much i know this specifically is not talked about in the show either#but it's a pretty obvious deviation from what christianity teaches women and what lilith would have especially known to be her role at the#beginning of humanity where they needed to do a lot of ~populating~#even nowadays the expectation for women to become wifes and be subservient to their husbands & the role of sex being purely reproductive#all that time but only 1 kid & so late too just goes to show how absent those roles + rules + expectations were once lilith rejected adam#(and therefore heaven)#which. the detail itself can be interpreted in different ways as can the reaction to this particular interpretation. but personally i'm just#happy for her that she (perhaps/presumably/temporarily) got to experience a loving relationship based on mutual respect and equality etc.#so like good for her#this doesnt really have a point i just thought it was a cool detail#rant post#shitpost#kind of#hazbin hotel#lucilith#i am not trying to generalize christianity itself here btw#and when i say extreme cases i do mean *extreme* as i know it's not reflective of the religion as a whole or it's principles#but in the hellaverse specifically it does seem like those teachings and mentalities and heavily unequal gender roles *were* meant to exist#so the specific lack of their fulfillment with lucilith seems important
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I’m rereading the Saga of Darren Shan (Cirque du Freak) and oh my goddddddd
What do you put in your books Darren?? It is not often I read something so addictive. I saw someone describe them as being like crack. And yeah I can see that I don’t even read Animorphs books this voraciously
(Spoilers below)
And yet. Rereading the second half of the series. When you know who the vampaneze lord is and how it’s going to end. Just:
God. (Or should I say, Charna’s guts!) the planning that must have gone into the series. I can see the foreshadowing/just a prophesy that they don’t know how to follow properly because they don’t know how it ends. It’s like how a horror film protag doesn’t check why a cup fell down because they don’t know they’re in a horror film. Darren! You had Steve at your mercy! SEVERAL TIMES!!! Kill him! It’s unbearable!!! He’s lying!!!!!! This is like a fucking Greek tragedy mess of a plot!!!!!!!!
(Just try. Try reading Allies of the Night knowing full well what’s happening)
(The Greek tragedy comparison makes sense though, Darren is literally struggling against Des Tiny, even if he doesn’t know it)
And then, Mr Crepsley is dead, and Darren (post depression) and Harkat go on holiday to the nuclear dragon desert to gather panther teeth, gelatinous toad globes and Grotesque venom so they can go fishing for souls! It’s very reasonable that the war is drawing to a close so we need a break before the final battle but those toad spheres came of left field.
And then we hear the cirque du freak is returning to Darren’s hometown!! Love it when heroes return after most of their journey and discover they’ve changed too much to go back! But especially Darren, who cannot talk to anyone or even look around too much. He died. I LOVE IT I LOVE THESE BOOKS SO MUCH BUT I AM TEARING AND CRAWLING OUT OF MY SKIN THEY HURT SO BAD I JUST WANT MY BOYS TO BE HAPPY AND SAFE AGAIN)
(Boys includes: Darren, Harkat, Mr Crepsley. Vancha, Alice and Debbie. Not Steve Leopard. Fuck Steve Leopard. All my homies hate Steve Leopard)
And another thing: now I know about actual science - ‘vampire atoms are wobbly so they don’t show up on cameras’ - that is some of the most shallow pseudo scientific bullshit I’ve seen outside of JoJo’s. I love it. It’s so silly and makes no sense.
#as you can see#i am totally normal about this#i am totally sane#frothing at the mouth#screaming crying throwing up#crawling out of my skin#why must you hurt me in this way#darren shan#the saga of darren shan#cirque du freak#rant#vent??#I mean this is a vent but is more a product of hyperfixation#I haven’t felt this bittersweet about the inescapable unfortunate fate a character gets since#fury of Magnus#I use ‘god’ a lot in this#I promise I am not a Christian#It’s just the right word for the expression/thing I’m feeling#and is very versatile#godsdamned sounds a bit off to me#even if it is closer to what I think could be#in terms of religion/soirituality
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im getting real sick of 'intelligence'
who decided reading books and writing counted as intelligence? who decided that getting high scores on a strict, unfeeling system meant you were better than everybody? who decided that people should be turned into numbers, tie their worth in society into numbers, to compare people on a scale that ultimately does not matter, so that the people who didn't dump everything to perform for it are berated and the people who did end up with nothing?
who decided not reading or writing was a lack of intelligence? who decided that living differently to them was a sign of lower 'societal worth' than those who conformed?
#r slur#and a big rant#in the following tags#this too is just a tool for oppression#but if you had been crushed in the grips of the education system and left limp in the dirt you knew that already#but it's not only a way for society to weed out the 'retards'. it's more than that#let me tell you something#estonia used to be in tribes around the 1000s-1200s or so#a lot of our old historical records were written by someone else#usually christian invaders and other occupying forces who thought we were barbaric and what have you#because we were pagan (especially with Taarapita) and *we did not have a written language*#according to christian-western ideals this means that our population must be like super dumb#and its 'our job' to enlighten them :)#and they did this with anyone who didn't conform.#intelligence has always been a tool to excuse it#so it feels good#so it feels right#You're 'helping' them. enlightening a primitive race#so that they follow Our standards#it's colonialism all the way down#and it still echoes into the modern day. we still see academia as intelligence while we ignore proficiency in other forms#let's not forget the classism of it either. i live in the CEO of classism#working class people are seen as dumber and are thus treated worse because they didn't dump all of their money/future money into#a societally-approved institution like oxford or something#despite the fact that they rely on working class people to operate#or the fact that their booksmarts don't cover years of knowing how to run a corner store#i suppose the general conclusion i want to convey is that we can all do different things well and using a linear scale is bullshit#(and an oppressive tool lol)#people are good at different things and you have to learn to be ok with that#this applies to anything - trades/ crafts/ booksmarts/ spectrums of neurodivergence/ etc
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My therapist hasn't killed me yet 👍
#unfortunately i actually. like i had so much to say that i couldn't get an in-depth response#sometimes that happens.#so like. not a negative 'oh you are going to die badly if this continues' reaction. just very thoughtful like#'oh... yeah... that's heavy. but it makes sense' response. which is. honestly. i feel better#even just w that. like. coming from the insane paranoia jumping to conclusions thought crime religion#one million guilt one million years. and also something Wrong w you. die. one thousand deaths#like. it's maybe gonna be okay. maybe i can explore heavier topics w care and consideration#without being shot on sight. or at v least knowing that if i am. i'm not necessarily The Problem here#feels. like an oversimplification. but you know. you know how it can be.#never ever ever wanna get into discourse though. ever. idk if it's irrational but i have always had an intense fear#that someday i'm gonna post something and then get lolcow'd to death.#like. it's not just my upbringing i don't think. it's the whole culture surrounding certain fandom spaces#which is honestly why i don't even consider myself a fandom blog. i'm an autism blog.#you get whatever i'm fixated on. forever. and nearly 100% of the time it's askr siblings#idk i also just think it sucks. that you need to have 'valid' reasons to explore certain subjects#which firstly require you to be a victim and secondly requires you to be a perfect victim.#which puts people in terrible spots where like. what is this a confession booth. i wasn't even cathlolic. get OUT of here!!!!#sorry i still have a lot of Feelings. about it. and ultimately that's what it is. i have a lot of very intense Feelings#they are my own. to protect. to process. i don't want to get confrontational about it. that's stupid.#already this feels like a confession of guilt. is it the christianity? is it the way some online spaces just Are?#i don't know. all i know is i want to make art. it means so much to me. to say what i need to say.#and to be heard. that's been the craziest part. all these things i've been terrified of. but sometimes. i'm heard.#idk idk idk. no more emotional vulnerability. ass hurt. done.
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why nick and christian tho thats my only question
#seems like an odd choice from christian to insert himself into this situation directly when kip is right there and available#like wouldnt christian want to keep himself out of harms way with the contract and everything??#i mean. i dont mind watching him at all but i just question this choice a lot#at least this means i can hope for betrayal crumbs. give kip another thing to be annoyed about when christian doesnt let him wrestle ough#wrestling musing
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haha yeah i'm just like all the other men i think about the roman empire all the time... [ dreamily imagines saint sebastian tied to that tree ]
#genuinely i think about the roman empire a lot. cause i think about centurion uniforms a lot.#and this is because i have been obsessed with saint sebastian since i was a little boy.#you can trace it all back dkfghs#red cloak and boots save me... red cloak and boots...#the version of saint seb in my children's book of saints was fully clothed and had armor on. so that's what child me was on#anyway yeah i idolize roman centurions. no it's not about any of the colonization or military power.#it's about. saint sebastian#WHICH ISN'T ABOUT THE RELIGION THING EITHER TO BE CLEAR I'M JUST TRANS#total lie but you get what i mean#i'm not trying to be a good christian. however. bitches when they claim themself as roman catholic...#valentine notes#catholic tag
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my mother is absolutely convinced of some nonsense conspiracy theory that (in her words) "originally humanity lived in peaceful all-woman societies of goddess worshippers who took care of eachother and lived in harmony, while males were roving loners that had no society and never cooperated. that changed when the men banded together and overthrew the peaceful woman-dominated societies, and enslaved us all." and, according to her, this is proof that a woman-dominated world would be innately more peaceful, and that men are innately violent and evil and should be either barred from holding any legal power or leadership roles or at least should be (again in her words) "gelded like bulls" to remove their testosterone before even being considered for such a thing.
she also evidently believes that the problem with all religions today is primarily that they aren't "goddess worshippers", because she seems to think goddess religions are inherently peaceful and pure too and seems to be especially obsessed with "Isis" in particular. the very very few times she's openly considered it unambiguously bad for some population or another to have been exterminated (she's got a bad case of devil's advocating genocide brain), she's gone out of her way to make up some crap about how said people were a peaceful society of goddess-worshippers, almost always of isis. delusions of isis-worship seem to be the only thing that ever causes her to consider any arab or middle-eastern culture, society, or ethnicity to be relatively uncomplicatedly undeserving of extermination, in fact, because every fucking time she doesn't immediately start devils-advocating it and making remarks about how "the rest of the world should box them in and let them blow eachother up" it's when she's whinging on about how whatever specific micro-ethnicity she's thinking about are or were traditional persecuted isis-worshippers.
the sole major exception to her weird fixation on isis worship justifying worthiness of life is the whole israel thing going on, in which she has consistently made very obvious that literally the only reason she's against the genocide of palestine is because it gives her an excuse to even more openly hate jewish people than she already did. and honestly i'm not sure even that's true because i think she's made some offhand remarks about palestinians having probably been peaceful isis worshipers before the jews infected them with christianity or something anyway.
so for the last, however fucking long it's been i've been constantly having to listen to her go off about how this behavior is in the jew's blood or whatever and that they literally invented all genocide because somehow the concept didn't exist before them and wouldn't have ever been invented by the rest of humanity without those jewish aliens dropping it in i fucking guess apparently and she furthermore goes on about how every single genocide and mass-oppression movement in history is directly inspired by them, ESPECIALLY the nazis, and THEN i have to listen to her rant about how, basically, wwii was something they entirely brought on themselves by "dominating the economy and treating everyone not them like shit" and the nazis were just "using their own tactics back at them". and then she goes on a rant about how the people the original jews exterminated back in the day (aka the first ever genocide, which they invented, because jews invented genocide and hate according to her) in the middle east region were peaceful matriarchal isis-worshipers.
and then she starts making comments about arabs being backwards and palestinians either being mysogynist muslims that should be boxed in to blow eachother up with everyone else or secret peaceful isis worshippers corrupted by men's cruel hand, sometimes in the same sentence, entirely dependent on which group she's more in the mood to hate at the time.
it's exhausting. beyond exhausting. her sole purpose in existence seems to be to have the singularly most exhausting set of politics physically possible to fit into one person.
just, sometimes i think, if there really is anything at all to the incredibly stupid and inexplicably popular idea that anyone or anything has a Purpose tm to exist for, i feel like my mother's purpose is to be walking proof to me of a Type Of Guy That Is Real, cause i sure as fuck would have trouble inventing this mess if it wasn't standing right in front of me spewing confusingly bipartisan hate. all of her thoughts and opinions are these long winding nonsense chains that feel like if that man carrying thing sketch about the friend with confusing politics was a person. on meth.
#and sometimes i feel like she just believes whatever will allow her to hate and feel innately superior to the most people#the fact that this woman considers herself a leftist#... well. given what this country just voted for it looks unfortunately likely that she IS in fact a fairly average example of a leftist#and therefore i have zero remaining hope for or particular desire to save humanity#actually it kind of feels like the only reason she really aligns herself with “the left” is because she's a female supremacist#and the left is the closest thing to a movement in that direction compared to the only current alternate party's “lets undo women's rights”#and also she inexplicably hates trump despite constantly devils-advocating for him and how he “has some good ideas”#and yes she does specifically mean about immigrants and the wall. one of her staunchest positions is pro-closed borders#honesty if trump was a woman and not a misogynist sex pest i think she would like him a lot. even despite his blatant ignorance of economic#she's also a big “anti-wokeist” type and we can barely watch any movies anymore without her whining about there being black people in them#and then she's like “PEOPLE ONLY DON'T WANT TO WATCH MOVIES WITH ME BECAUSE MY THEORIES ARE ALWAYS RIGHT AND THEY'RE JEALOUS OF HOW SMART”#she's nominally anti-corporation but in practice tends to come down on their side and is also staunchly against student loan forgiveness#because she thinks that “anyone who's stupid enough to do that deserves it”#and “it would be a slap in the face to ME and everyone else that had to pay”#and “kids these days don't want to develop healthy financial habits so they can SAVE for things. i SAVED for it and i know how HARD it is”#the way she often talks i also increasingly feel like the only actual reason she hates christianity is because she's a female supremacist#especially since she regularly goes on about biblical things as if they're real and complains that god either must be a woman#because “only women can create”#or that god CLEARLY is a man because he's destructive and evil and Destruction is a Man Thing That All Men And Only Men Innately Do#and likes to talk about how “jesus said he would come back as the least of us so he would be a woman”#and then goes on to describe a woman that sounds suspiciously like her. or at least her perception of herself#she's also said that if she wasn't straight she would be a political lesbian by choice because she hates men so much#and has tried repeatedly to bitch at me about men in an “eyyy amirite sister” kind of way#and got mad when i didn't fancy the idea of sitting there joking with her about half the species being barely-sentient cancer nodes#but she ALSO identifies as sapiosexual despite having the most vanilla housewife smut book taste ever#but ALSO she considers every single other sexuality aside from straight and gay to be made up woke mental illness nonsense!#so according to her the only orientations are “normal”. gay. and sapiosexual. and SOMETIMES bi (but no pan or poly).#i'm fairly sure she's convinced asexuality isn't real and is just repression. she certainly acts like i never said anything every time.#unless she's explosively yelling at me for “always bringing it up” when i tell her to stop making jokes about me being attracted to things#and she thinks anything other than monogamy is “selfish” and “exists only for men to abuse women”. especially muslim and arab men.
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