#I mean this is a vent but is more a product of hyperfixation

[katyspersonal]

To be honest, I've had a very difficult day

Something that happened in the morning, that at first seemed minor, was a fatal crack in a metaphorical dam that has been containing a lot behind it, and it flushed all in. So much repressed pain, that has just began to subdue and heal. All while I had to work with customers for 10 hours, when I really really really just needed to crawl under blanket to listen to the sad music and process all this.... Neglected, held back pain just made me uncharacteristically snappy with customers, like, every second one. I didn't mean to, but I swear, paranoia reduces me to something primal. Something animalistic. I almost forgot what it was like, to lose autonomy over my words and actions, because I feel like a wounded and bleeding stray animal and I just. Want. To be left ALONE. And I CAN'T be. Bleeding? No, it is venom. But a kind that doesn't leave me the more it spills through the open wound. On the contrary, the more it spills, the worse it festers.. or so I thought, until I've finally got to talk about it and cry in a VC with my bestie.

I was really disgusted with myself today. You guys DON'T want to know what it's like, to be puppeteed by something primal, something animalistic, while you can still feel guilt for it. After a particularly selfish and snappy exchange, when that customer left and I did get my couple of minutes alone, I cried. Because I am an awful human being and can't get a grip. I sound like I've been completely lucid all day about my mental state, but, no. I didn't even realize what was hurting me, why rage of wounded animal was burning so. Until I cried in a VC, and finally understood that one small insight put too much into perspective by effect. And I just.. really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I should not be near people when I can't calm down. But it is three more days of work, and I just want to be alone.. just a little while.

I've started to heal, I've started to genuinely like BB again in the way it used to be rather than like my wound, it started to get to me how much time has passed. As if the five that have harmed and traumatized me were never there, and should be buried as bad memories that they are. Even if justice fell only on one of them, even if the other four will simply get away with everything and walk their merry way without as much as questioning the abhorrence and inhumanity of their actions. The day of justice will never come.. but it is okay, if I am allowed to forget and do my stuff. If I just scream and cry for as much as I need, but I've noticed no one has been listening anymore...? The reactions to my vents stopped, and that meant stalking stopped. Therefore, I was safe. The venom stream has been thinning, sure, it is slowly becoming a blood once more? And had no choice but to.. heal and move on? Or so I thought.

It is a recent. Those cultish witch hunting freaks, and the mindless sheep that flocks around them, still have intent to harm me, after all. At least one of them does, but I suspect more. Only, they've found more discreet ways to do it, but not acknowledging me as a human being with my own feelings and history remains. Very ironically that they forced the narrative of me being the one not treating them as human beings, just because I disagreed with their politics of throwing the one whose "humanity ran wild" away. One who was one just like them but betrayed and turned to agree with hateful narrative that his identity was sin, but they could never see past the exterior. All they took out of him was a waste product to cleanse off the humanity, and I was a waste by association, and so were my friends by association. Only, today's one was a recent, and I know exactly what it is. The same treatment made me abandon K1rby (precious special, no, defining interest). I remember the nightmare I've had when I decided it. I was gifted a sword by a character from my intermediate hyperfixation between K1rby and before Soulsb0rne, and then went into the tiniest space ship to drift in the open space aimlessly. I saw small colorful planets getting swallowed by ice and darkness one by one, until nothing was left - the stories I never got to tell, the art project unfinished, the bonds broken. I woke up with a sense of new hope, yet I promised that I'll never let the same end of things happen by anyone else's hand. Be they justified like there, be they malicious like here. And that promise to self ensured I am still here, with regular From lore posts and discussions despite everything. I promised to not make the same mistake twice, and I didn't, and I won't.

But I know I'll never find peace and healing either, because the consequences of witch hunt yet persist, even subtle and even not so frequent. I must never forget my hatred for the fandom, and it was foolish to start to lower my guard. I'll never escape, but I can be safe in a different way yet. Hold onto this dread and anger. Let it burn brighter, let the venom sprout stronger, whatever form the feeling takes but pain is the only thing to never betray me so it might as well become my power. Carve the four remaining names in the inner side of my skull and never forget what happened, because it sure can't forget me. If there is a true reason to fear me, not fabricated one, then may they fear to pass my name around like some sort of superstition... so, please, can my pain finally sprout in it's true form and swallow me... already...? I want to make something dark, something bad within my own at last, I just don't know how. So it always only gnaws at me, and I can never make the curse my own nature. I say that I can and will, but I never learn, and the wounded animal is gnawing on me, and I can't become this animal. Can the venom become my very blood? I'll sure become safe for multiple reasons. I am tired and the day when the part of me that can yet be healthy and hopeful is eaten by the beast, can't come soon enough

[neverheroes]

You’re here! ˳·˖✶ ⋆˚. ∘. Yay fillet ◦ ∿ . *･ﾟﾟ!

This is an every hyperfixation dumpsterfire because I can’t compartmentalise, can I hear a wahoo. Again, if you know me, pretend you never saw this. I need this aside from real life to vent weirdness into the void.

TMNT is a life-long special interest so that’ll probably stick around and recur. The answer to which TMNT I like is “Yes”.

Yes, you can use any of my art you want to as headers or pfps. No, reposting art is silly please don’t do it. This account would get an M rating as a movie but mostly just because of the occasional blood and swearing. Minors are welcome to interact but I am an adult ok I pay taxes. No tcest or sexual content ever, just silliness and thinking too hard about things generally nobody cares about.

Hello more readers! Here’s… more.

I’ve changed my @ to neverheroes but I’ll still be using these location tags. Art tags are ‘bekmadethis’ + franchise. Meta/reviews are ‘bekthoughtthis’ + franchise. Short fictions are ‘bekwrotehis’ + franchise (see post tags)

bekmadethistmnt - ninja turtles

bekmadethisat - adventure time

bekmadethisofmd - our flag means death

bekmadethisgoodomens - good omens

I hope you like style and content inconsistency ^-^ feel free to drop a request.

My big weird™ is that I’ll absolutely be drawing those two 03’s goofy. You know who. Look, the 87 fans shouldn’t have called Leo the gay one so much if they didn’t want me to accept and endorse the message ok.

I’m struggling and inconsistently making a fan comic to teach myself to draw, I’ve always wanted to be even just okay at comic art and never had the inspiration to put in the learning time. It’s accidentally turning into an actual story, just writing itself as we go. 2023 was the year of AuDHD diagnosis and 2024 was the year of learning I’m weirder than I thought. Fun fact you didn’t ask for; when I remember a dream it’s usually a vivid and brutal apocalypse, that was probably a clue.

The ADHD gets in the way of productivity a lot so I’m only ˳·˖✶ ⋆˚. ∘. slay fillet ◦ ∿ . *･ﾟﾟin bursts. It also means I will just randomly make and reblog unrelated stuff out of nowhere.

Grab joy where you can find it. ☆

[professionalhorrorfreak]

ᴊᴏɪɴ ᴛᴇᴀᴍ ᴄ00ʟᴋɪᴅᴅ ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ!! ‧₊ ᵎᵎ 🍒 ⋅ ˚✮

hey hey hey!!!! I'm Eli !!!! this is my intro post :P

So, let's start with the basics! ☽｡�� name/s - Eli, Sundrop, C00lkidd, Lawrence, Hunter ☽｡⋆ pronouns - he/they + neos!! my prns.cc :P ☽｡⋆ age - MINOR!!!!!! ☽｡⋆ extra information - I am from NZ, kei te maori ahau! I am a fictionkin and a therian, but there's more about that later!

"You like Mythomagic, too?" (Nico di Angelo) - Fandoms and interests!

-- Current hyperfixations -- ✮ Percy Jackson and the Olympians ✮ The Substance ✮ Smile 1/2 ✮ Horror movies in general ✮ BTD/TPOF ✮ Balarke ✮ Forsaken (Roblox) ✮ Date Everything! ✮ Schedule 1 -- Long-term interests --

✮ Cosmetology ✮ OBX ✮ The Umbrella Academy ✮ Haikyuu! ✮ The Owl House ✮ Boyfriend To Death ✮ Cookie Run Kingdom ✮ Rap music, specifically Playboi Carti and Tyler, the Creator ✮ The NBA and basketball in general!!

"I'm a custom wood burner, that's what I do, I custom wood burn!" (CWB) - Hobbies! ☂ Netball! ☂ Drumming and music production (I'm in a band!) ☂ Choir! ☂ Writing! ☂ Karate, boxing, judo, martial arts! ☂ Rollerskating! ☂ Paper crafts! ☂ Mood board making (it counts in my eyes)!

"Never mess with the Sonnellinos." (Mafioso) - DNI

𓉸 Basic DNI 𓉸 Anti-alterhuman/therian. I AM A THERIAN BITCH!!! BOO!!!!!! 𓉸 Solangelo shippers (nothing against the ship, for my own comfort) 𓉸 Anti-selfshippers 𓉸 MAGA/Pro-trump/Political blogs 𓉸 Kink blogs (I am a minor, you will be named and shamed!! I am a petty bitch!!) 𓉸 Proshippers/Darkshippers/Comshippers (AGAIN, named and shamed!! You are gross and wrong!!!!!) 𓉸 People who judge others, this is MY blog, I am free to do whatever the fuck I want.

"It's past your bedtime. You must be punished. Nighty-night." (Moondrop) - Kins --- Animalia/Mythica (Mythical creatures) --- ꕥ Pallas Cat ꕥ Black Panther ꕥ Leopard Seal ꕥ Millipede ꕥ Crow ꕥ Satyr ꕥ Faerie ꕥ Jackalope ꕥ Caracal --- Fictional Characters --- ꕥ Grover Underwood (PJO) ꕥ C00lkid (Forsaken) ꕥ Bluudud (Forsaken) ꕥ Sundrop (FNAF) ꕥ Victor Creed (X-Men) ꕥ Scott Summers (X-Men)

"Woah, woah, before we begin, let's look over the rules!" - BYF

. ♬ This is now my main account!

. ♬ With that being said, I have bouts of being unintentionally dry! This is because my blood pressure drops sometimes and drains my energy. I am not mad at you, and I will tell you if I am! . ♬ I AM A PETTY PERSON!!! I will NOT hesitate to out you if you are mean to me!! (unless you are somebody I know IRL, outside beef stays outside) (again, hi ren :3) . ♬ I have no stance on syscourse! Please do not drag me into anything like that, I am just here to be silly :/ . ♬ I will sometimes reblog explicit things! I will tag these explicit posts with 'woah there, sunshine!' . ♬ VERY QUICK FRIEND SHOUTOUT!!! @horrorfanfelix you're the mafioso to my c00lkidd fr :3

"You dated God? Like.. Like Jesus?!" (Percy Jackson) - Taglist!! #yappinator back at it - basic text posts #my gang!! - IRL friends!!! #jj no! - vents/posts considered 'darker' #woah there, sunshine! - explicit posts & reblogs #look at this, y'all! - my ocs! #on that wolf shit - kin stuff #bro thinks he's a writer... - fanfic + poetry!!! (credits for dividers go to @/nerdconsumer2!!)

Userboxes!!

[nightloidsdiary]

Current status. (More of a vent)

Ever heard of that song, Heavy by Linkin Park? Now that I mentioned my everlasting life influencing this song, it’s extremely complicated as it supposed to what it sounds like. I just realized..what am I doing with my life? Wasting my life by living in my own little world inside of my head, it’s getting more invisibly depressing as it seems to be and not focusing on the outside world. Not moving forward to continue with my journey when I should be living? Un-seriously feeling good about myself and not worrying too much to think I am free from my development? Is it possible to keep going to just figure out what should I want to be when I daydream 24/7? I felt…unmotivated. But not necessarily in the habit of thinking drastically, it’s just a gradual process. It’s more reasonable. I should just start all over again or maybe just move on with a different turn? It’s just too difficult to decide.

I can’t be cycling my life with waking up in the afternoon, brush my teeth, eat lunch, trying not to miss out on the internet as enthusiastic media/event, do a bit of chores, staying up late, enjoying my love affair, stan my hyperfixation, sleep between midnight and dusk. It keeps repeats itself over and over again and I am getting tired of this. I’m..tired. I don’t want to be in a statue forever by mind controlling to just rot away and not caring about my reality outside my mind. Most especially social media. I NEED to blame social media. For all of its problems that face into “more power” like, I thought it’s an alternative to feel less unsettling. It’s getting surrealistic. I love enjoying and discovering new things that interests me the most. And now, I feel bad for myself. It’s a shame to un-realizing my overall. It’s a blessing and a curse but shouldn’t mix together to fit in. I am happy that I am taking good care of my body but focusing on flesh is just too distasteful. It shouldn’t be standardized on “partying in my head” and taking it easy on myself, not others.

You know what’s the truth behind my entire life? I have failed everything I have achieved on; education, therapy, goal setting, defense, and self-control. That’s the worst part of me. But that doesn’t mean I gave up on everything… I just need to practice myself to improve better. I know I am not trying to be pessimistic or the negative reputation but I have to be more mindful and honest of what’s going on with my life. I need my old life to be unnecessary and start my new life all over again until I finally get it accomplished from any attempts.

Never hold your life that is more important and productive without a doubt. And don’t hold back your dreams as you believe in yourself. It can cause so much struggle that you will waste all your plans for the future. Just focus on yourself, okay? You got this. I don’t want you to have mistakes as I currently do. I am trying my best. Leave your old life you don’t want to be anymore and continue your opportunity to fulfill your dreams to the fullest. Please be mindful of that. That’s the moral of the story.

I don’t want my own fun anymore. I’m done. I’m still striving to be more aware of everything I am doing at the moment.

Thank you for reading. Your loving loner/nowhere girl,

-Becky

P.s. take a moment to listen to a song I really love when I was just a teenager. I felt old surprisingly while looking how I have become. But just to recommend you something to inspire you.

[dancingafterdark]

this is more a reminder to myself that i’m throwing out into the void than anything that i intend to be inspirational, a thinly-veiled vent, if you will:

sometimes i can’t help but feel guilty that i’m falling behind on all my creative projects — my writing, my art, whether it be fandom-related or personal, and i think that’s both to do with general burnout and this grind culture that makes it hard to keep up if you don’t dedicate yourself to staying at top at all times.

then i have stop, take a breather, and put it into perspective a bit: no, i can’t keep up — burnout is a real thing that will sneak up on you when you least expect it, and i am a full-time student already struggling to get by each day with untreated ON and only one mostly functional eye, on top of my other health conditions and stressors. but that doesn’t mean the passion won’t die out entirely, not when my head is constantly set to burst with ideas new and old: i have been working on a novel for over ten years now. somedays, my interest will wane and for a time — after i had been working on my manuscript exclusively for months for my creative writing seminar — i exited out of the doc didn’t touch it for almost an entire year. i was exhausted and even glancing at a project that i had once poured hours into, meticulously crafting my plots and characters i still hold near and dear to my heart, intimidated me more than speaking in front of a full house — and my anxiety gets so bad that sometimes opening my email spurs panic attacks. it’s not like i hated writing now, i was just tired; so i gave myself a much needed break for as long as my brain deemed necessary and redirected my energy towards new projects — new stories, new hyperfixations, new toy boxes to play with. i’ve recently returned to that manuscript and revisiting all my darling has never felt more refreshing, although i’ve been spreading my attention across different projects as opposed to focusing all my attention on one core idea until i wring myself dry so that i don’t repeat my mistakes.

don’t feel guilty if you can’t keep up, me, because you can’t — sometimes you lose that spark, sometimes you have to prioritize your physical and mental well-being — but that’s okay because you have all the time in the world. what’s the fucking rush, me? you are not a machine, you are not pumping out a product on an assembly line; you are creating because it makes you happy, and what you create, no matter how niche, will make someone, somewhere, happy too — for a time — and even if that someone loses interest in what you create because they too are not a mindless sycophant that exists only to consume, that doesn’t mean that love never existed or is gone forever.

so what’s the fucking rush, me? go take a nap, eat some food, drink more water, go for the walk you so desperately need, pet your cat, do some chores, finish that assignment. your shit isn’t going anywhere, it’ll still be there when you return, however long that may take, i promise.

[lyxthen]

My hyperfixation is keeping me from being productive. I have so much homework to do yet I can only think of the blorbos. Barely didn't eat because I was reading fanfiction. How do I, like, kill it? It is doing me no good (I mean it does bring me impossible ammounts of serotonin but I need to do school things and right now I don't have time to re-read lord of the rings for a... Fourth time, now? Nor the energy to start with the Silm again) and I want to get rid of it. I know it'll come back, as it always does, but right now it's like... The WORST possible moment for that. If I want to stay in school I can't daydream about middle earth all day during class. I like class, I worked hard to get into the classes I did, we even have a Morphology and Etimology class. How awesome is that? It's almost a dream, really, listening to the teacher go on about Latin and Greek roots and being the only one there who cares. I can barely contain my joy every time he asks for the meaning of a morpheme and I know it, when he talks about phonetics and I know the names of the consonants in the IPA. I can't give myself the luxury of failing, not that class and not any other.

Middle Earth will always be there for me, but not the chance to finish high-school. Not the chance to finish in this school, at least, the school I worked so hard to get into. I wouldn't survive anywhere else.

Such a beautiful language is my native tongue. I have grudges with it, as I do with English, but I am fond of it. It's as if things meant more when you say them in Spanish. Writing in English feels like cheating.

I am re-learning my own language, not because I've forgotten it, but because one doesn't really "learn" it, not in the way that matters to me, anyway. You learn to speak and you don't worry about grammar, but I do care, because I am weird, and speaking isn't enough for me, I want to know how it works. Where it came from and why. I adore it. I love it almost as much as I love bugs and snakes. I don't know if anything can top that, really, we'll see.

I don't think I would be this annoyed if the Creative Writing teacher wasn't so snobbish. He has a very strict definition of what literature is. Imagine saying that Picasso's paintings are not real art because they don't appeal to you specifically. I don't like them very much, either, if I am being honest! But negating all artistic merit they could possibly have on the basis that I don't particularly enjoy them would be senseless, at the very least.

I love stories, not the abstract notion of what "the aesthetic use of words" means. And don't get me wrong, I love flowery language and subverting the rules of grammar, but how much is that worth it if it doesn't have a substance behind it? Literature should not be about hiding the message of what you are trying to say, but about bringing it out, brighter than ever! Using analogy not to conceal meaning is foolish and pretentious, I think. I know that kind of wordplay doesn't appeal to everyone, and that's alright. Not everyone has to "get it". But you have to try, at least, to comunicate something, because isn't that what art and language are all about?

In Toki Pona there is one single word for drawing and writing down. They are not so different, if you think about it, a painting from a book. Except of course, a painting is static. Books seem static, but experiencing them is anything but. You can look at a painting and say ah, that's beautiful! But to read a book you have to engage with it, you have to get into the "interpreting" mindset.

Ah, where was I going with all this? I got distracted, venting my feelings to the internet again. How charming of me. That is to mean, not charming at all, you fool, you stupid little blob fish. I really should start with homework now, but it's daunting. I don't think I have time to finish it all for tomorrow. Yet, wouldn't it be better to do at least some of it, rather than nothing? I can't argue with myself about that. I am right, I always end up being right, but I don't listen to myself ever. I am so wise yet so dumb. I know the answers I need but I don't want to hear them. Why is getting things done so hard when I know I have to do them? When I enjoy doing them? When I know it is good?

It's like I've got everything figured it out, but then I don't do it.

Writing this post is giving me a headache. I just have to put my phone down, and boredom will do its thing.

Just. Put the phone down.

[atomicwizardyouth]

Getting diagnosed with ASD as an adult

 Okay so I need to get some stuff off of my chest.

So I’ve only recently (~2 years ago) been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD/Autism) and I got that diagnosis at age 22. Now how did I get this diagnosis you ask? Great question! I didn’t want to get tested for anything, I just needed someone to vent to so I could get rid of the fucking suicidal idealisation.

Oh but OP, it can’t be that bad? Fuck off. I went through hell in my teenage years with people dying every. Single. Fucking. Year. after I turned 13. It’s a long story, it usually takes 30-60 minutes to give people the short version so I’m gonna skip that for now.

So here’s what I figured out that sucks about autism:

- I don’t feel stress, I just feel headaches and muscle pains and then I need to figure out if it’s because of a whole list of reasons or just cuz of stress

- Apparently I am more sensitive to sounds, visual stimuli, light and smells than a regular person which causes me to be stressed out a lot quicker than a NT human. Yeah this is fucking great when you can’t feel the stress build up!

- I have low empathy and seriously struggle with the entire ‘putting myself into someone else’s position’ because I just can’t understand what it’s like for them (please don’t ever cry near me, PLEASE)

- My world is very easy: predictable = good, good = healthy schedules & taking care of myself. Unpredictable/changes = bad, bad = no energy, no structure & I basically ignore all of my bodily signals. That’s bad! (won’t eat and stuff like that)

- Logic is my standard reaction, if logic doesn’t work it’s immediate anger. Yeah it fucking sucks, I know, but I can’t fucking control it any more than I already do. What is a ‘minor inconvenience’ for a NT person can be a “PRESS THE BIG RED BUTTON FOR RAGE” for me and then I need to throw something, or break something because otherwise my head gets stuck in a feedback loop of anger, resentment & regret and then it gets WORSE. 

- I am always doing something with my fingers, hands or legs because otherwise something is wrong

- If someone messes with my schedule it can ruin my day and if it’s a big thing it can ruin a week or MORE and there’s NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. If you want me to do anything give me ~24 hour warning and I’ll be 100% fine. If you tell me at 8pm that my 9pm plans need to be changed? Be prepared to deal with stressed/anxious/angry me!

- I am afraid of what people might think of me now I’m labelled with something that’s this permanent and uncurable, so I am constantly anxious (working on that with therapy tho)

- People that break very clear rules around me make me FURIOUS, this is especially relevant during the pandemic. People that wear masks under their noses and people that don’t keep 1.5m distance suck a lot! People that don’t follow traffic laws (A RED LIGHT MEANS YOU STOP YOU FUCKHEADS) and it’s very rough to figure out that other people don’t see it like this and that I’m the ‘weirdo’ in this case. 

And now here are the good things!:

- I have a very strong long term memory where I can clearly recall details from conversations, things I learned or from random things if my brain deemed them important enough at the time. I can still vividly remember things I learned in elementary school and once that memory gets triggered I can recite that knowledge like I’d just read it (but it ONLY works if the memory gets ‘properly’ triggered)

- My logic & reasoning skills are very good!

- Languages are easy to pick up (apart from French, fuck French) since you just kind of learn the rules and then follow them and then you have a functioning language! (I’m fluent in Dutch & English, I’m passable in German and currently studying Danish because I want to)

- I’m great at finance & law! Rules rules rules rules rules they are SO NICE and it’s great to be able to follow rules to help people make sense of the insanity that law & finance is. I’m able to see minute details that are off (11 euros in a 10 million budget and that intuition of “something is OFF HERE” whenever I just look through finances and calculations. Also please play boardgames with me but GIVE ME THE MANUAL, PLEAAAASE. I absolutely love reading through them and then remembering all the rules and then I can explain them to everyone!!!!!!!!

- Hyperfixation on fun projects and stuff!!!! I absolutely love being able to just close myself off from the entire world to do something that my brain thinks is great to do at that time! That can sometimes be videogames (looking at you, civ 5 sessions that last 12+ hours for a few days in a row), something creative or even reading! I love to just jump into another world (especially magic!!!!) and just live through those books for a few days/weeks at a time

And just some general things:

- It’s great to see that talking about mental health has become more accepted in the online communities and it’s becoming better irl as well! I feel absolutely validated by some of the stories people have shared here on tumblr, but also on reddit and it makes me feel accepted and it makes me feel like I still belong in this world!

- Suddenly a lot of the stuff I did as a kid is now easily explained by “ah I was being an autistic kid at times” instead of trying to figure out why I did things differently or had more problems with certain things (seriously, fuck any art class that made me make an ‘original’ product, I can only IMITATE STUFF)

- Life is too short to be scared of your own disorders, so learn about them and try to deal with some of your shit and (hopefully) your life becomes a bit better :D

It’s tough for me to see the good instead of the bad (human brain being fucky and a bit depresso) but I hope some of you can relate to this or find this and figure out that you’re not alone!

[wanderingmind867]

I'm close to having 5,500 posts. That doesn't always make me feel great, because I'm prone to getting in my own head and telling myself I could be more productive. But I never do anything! it's a condrum I've faced before: Do the pros of having social media outweigh the Cons?

I mean, it's nice to vent about my stress and depression on here. Its also helped me with social interaction. But it may also be responsible for my inability to have any hyperfixations. So idk.

I wish tumblr was easier to use when not logged in. I also wish I had good impulse control. If both those things improved, I may not have as many problems.

[prestisssimo-tempestuoso]

Yo, are you ok? Anything we can do to help or does venting to us help enough? But yeah the "you're an adult now!" thing kickstarting anxiety makes sense, I mean I got a bill for college for the first time and I almost had a panic attack so. You're not alone???

hahaha oh god my college days (strange to say this, to admit that it is now behind me) were just basically a constant never-ending queue of one panic attack after another, triggered by the smallest things and honestly im still not over it. i think we’re supposed to approach these things positively, think of them as markers of progress (not that ive ever gone to a therapist), but in reality it’s very difficult to treat them with that attitude, isn’t it?

thanks for this message, btw, and yeah, venting on here does help a lot. im surprised i still have followers at all lmao. it’s just, all night ive been hyperventilating and on the verge of tears ever since i got off that phone call, and ive just been trying to distract myself via shows and youtube videos and stupid gacha game content and it’s working very very slowly.

i don’t understand why some Adults feel like it’s necessary to say that kind of thing to you at all. ive come to the tentative conclusion that it does nothing except stoke their own egos. look, we’re trying really hard, okay, we’re new at this whole life thing. we don’t need you to remind us of the things we’re supposed to be responsible for now, it’s hard enough without you heaping expectations on us like this is a test and we’re school children. we’re adults, making our own decisions, ruining our own lives. i understand that we’re responsible for more than ourselves now, but it’s hard enough without your constant need to remind us to Perform, Or Else. because that’s what these “you’re an adult now“ speeches are, basically. they’re ultimatums, and they really serve no purpose except to make the speaker feel good and the listener feel belittled and inadequate and panic-stricken. is this really so hard to see?

so yeah. basically did nothing productive tonight except trying unsuccessfully to wind myself down from this whole mini-breakdown. you know. just another saturday night. oh well.

these messages really help distract me too. don’t feel pressured or anything because i promise you i can talk into the void all day by myself, and that helps too. but i wouldnt mind if someone wanted to send me thoughts about a shared hyperfixation or recent show or something like that. but and im ashamed to say this but im horrible at responding to people in a timely manner. but i’ll see it and i’ll love you.

anyway, congratulations on beginning college! hope online classes aren’t too hard on you if that’s what your university has decided on doing. personally i find that some classes are even easier when it’s conducted through virtual meetings, while others...not so much. but at least everybody is in it together, including the professors, who’ll usually be more understanding considering the situation at hand. it’s a very strange world we live in now.

[euclyta]

This year’s art summary! Oh goodness, comparing this year to the last, I’ve actually improved both in art and my personal life. 2016 was extremely hard on me and my mental health, and it carried over a bit to the beginning of 2017.

Explanations and descriptions under the cut!:

JANUARY

January wasn’t my best month of the year, to say the least. When I had thought I was doing amazing, on December a part of my past returned and I kinda became a bit depressed again. Luckily it didn’t last long.

I didn’t draw much on this month, it was actually hard to find any art I had done at all; but I managed to find a silly Orion drawing.

FEBRUARY

This is where I can actually pinpoint I was getting better at art. My faces began looking... smoother? And I started adding more details, and the binary tool became my best friend LMAO. The piece I chose for this was a birthday gift for my friend Del.

MARCH

Went back to an old fandom of mine- Danganronpa, thanks to my friend Rice beginning their Smash Bros. comic, Smashronpa. This specific piece came from a stream of theirs where we bingewatched the first anime while they drew in the background. Again, binary tool, I Love You.

APRIL

Here’s where things started... getting a bit rough again. I suddenly started feeling like I didn’t matter to my then boyfriend and I felt alienated since he seemed to spend more time with others while we barely talked. Everything hurt a lot, but I found a strange comfort in an old OC, flower meanings and classical music.

The drawing I chose for this month is one of my vent arts, based around Pathetique’s 2nd Movement and the flowers Forget Me Not.

MAY

I picked myself back up from April and got into my biggest special interest and hyperfixation thus far- Super Mario! It all began with listening to the N64 Rainbow Road theme, and from there I realized how much I loved that silly plumber. My favorite character though? Rosalina. For months now, she’s most of what I’ve drawn. And I’m not complaining, I LOVE her a lot.

Sadly, here I abandoned the binary tool for a while and returned to the good old painting brush.

JUNE

Pride month! Still hyperfixated on Mario, I drew a little but cute thing! As you may know, I’m biromantic, and kin with Rosie, so what’s more fitting than drawing Rosalina celebrating bi pride?

A huge thing from this month was Nozomi Tojo’s birthday, who’s also an incredibly important character to me. There’s a piece I drew for it, but looking at it I’m a bit embarassed to show it ;w;

JULY

There was a specific day of this month that had me in the dumps- the birthday of a former friend. While I really didn’t have anything to be upset about, it felt a bit odd. Luckily the world seemed to notice that and gave me something unexpected that same day- a cat.

-And even more Rosalina! This month I also started taking Chibi commissions, but even now I got two clients ;w; Oh well.

AUGUST

Probably one of the least productive months of the year. I kept procastinating on those few commissions I had, but in the end I managed to push myself foward to do them.

This one here was for Reyne, and to this day it remains one of my favorite little pieces of mine.

SEPTEMBER

Two things: my birthday, and a new IAMX album. Compared to all the sadness I felt last year on my birthday, having a new album by my favorite artist drop on that same day, plus being surrounded by people I love was amazing.  Also my best month of art!

However, at the end of the month I suffered a break up. I was a bit depressed at first, but quickly realized it was for the better as it was stressing the both of us a lot. 

This here is my second absolute favorite drawing of the year, based on IAMX’s Under Atomic Skies (that’s where my url comes from!). I also finally got that fuckin’ WiiU I had been waiting for since October of 2016.

OCTOBER

October was three months ago, but still feels so recent... here I was still depressed about the break up I mentioned, but was still kickin’. After I expressed that I would like to play Undertale again, Draco went out and bought me a copy on Steam! It was crazy and one of the best gifts I’ve received.

My notebooks got filled with silly attempts at drawing Asriel, and Jooj sent me a copy of Adobe Flash too! I think it was also around this time that I started developing a crush on a friend...

NOVEMBER

More IAMX-inspired Xenoblade, this time by Avalanches. This is my absolute most favorite drawing I’ve done all year. It started as a shitty doodle in a notebook at school, and I liked it too much and it ended up becoming this. To this day, Zanza remains my favorite Xenoblade character.

Aside from this, I don’t remember drawing much...

DECEMBER

This month thus far hasn’t been too eventful. Xenoblade 2 dropped and I was shocked to see how much I actually liked it after being so disappointed by all the bad designs I had seen.

I also recently got into Houseki no Kuni! And as I have a tradition of drawing Orion as part of whatever series I’m into at the moment, I drew her as a Gem. And what do you know? It was the return of my old trusty binary tool!

-

There’s nothing else I really want to say, other than I’m extremely thankful that this year went so much better than last. I’m surrounded by amazing friends everyday and I almost never have any reason for my depression to resurface anymore. There’s still a few days left in the year, and I hope that they can go by peacefully. Thank you all so much for continuing to follow me!

[313centimetres]

alright i have a good song playing so i'll just vent until its over

alright so i havent had any structure in my life since march, which means ive been way more prone to dissociation and suicidal thoughts cause im genuinely just not productive in the least all i do is watch netflix and youtube vids ive already seen because i havent found anything new to hyperfixate over and i also have zero motivation for getting off my ass and out of the house to get a job which i need because all i do is drink and smoke weed all fucking day

speaking of, i really fucking want to quit smoking and drinking every goddamn day but its like.. the only thing that makes me feel anything and i fucking love when i get really drunk and then take a rip and get such a headrush that i end up sweating and coughing it makes me feel so alive and the only other thing thats given me that has been cutting which i really dont wanna get back into since im stripping now smfh

so anyways idk how to explain to Professionals™️ that im not actively suicidal but any time im alone and its quiet i cant help but think about how fucking pointless it is for me to be around like i just genuinely dont have the motivation to be alive and to be a person in society

oh also any time i drive i get really dissociative and suicidal to a point where sometimes i have to pull over cause i cant stop thinking about getting into a car crash

idk it really sucks that if u want any type of long term (more than 6 months) treatment or resource you have to pay so much money and even then i dont know what it would take to really make me want to live

i feel like im living on autopilot and days just blur together this summer went by so fast i didnt even get to do what i wanted i just want a fucking break i need something new or exciting to make me fucking feel alive

idk its 1am while writing this im currently in a numb pre-dissociative space where i just need to cry or else i'll explode bye

[sysig]

~