#I mean this is a vent but is more a product of hyperfixation

[flygonscales]

I’m rereading the Saga of Darren Shan (Cirque du Freak) and oh my goddddddd

What do you put in your books Darren?? It is not often I read something so addictive. I saw someone describe them as being like crack. And yeah I can see that I don’t even read Animorphs books this voraciously

(Spoilers below)

And yet. Rereading the second half of the series. When you know who the vampaneze lord is and how it’s going to end. Just:

God. (Or should I say, Charna’s guts!) the planning that must have gone into the series. I can see the foreshadowing/just a prophesy that they don’t know how to follow properly because they don’t know how it ends. It’s like how a horror film protag doesn’t check why a cup fell down because they don’t know they’re in a horror film. Darren! You had Steve at your mercy! SEVERAL TIMES!!! Kill him! It’s unbearable!!! He’s lying!!!!!! This is like a fucking Greek tragedy mess of a plot!!!!!!!!

(Just try. Try reading Allies of the Night knowing full well what’s happening)

(The Greek tragedy comparison makes sense though, Darren is literally struggling against Des Tiny, even if he doesn’t know it)

And then, Mr Crepsley is dead, and Darren (post depression) and Harkat go on holiday to the nuclear dragon desert to gather panther teeth, gelatinous toad globes and Grotesque venom so they can go fishing for souls! It’s very reasonable that the war is drawing to a close so we need a break before the final battle but those toad spheres came of left field.

And then we hear the cirque du freak is returning to Darren’s hometown!! Love it when heroes return after most of their journey and discover they’ve changed too much to go back! But especially Darren, who cannot talk to anyone or even look around too much. He died. I LOVE IT I LOVE THESE BOOKS SO MUCH BUT I AM TEARING AND CRAWLING OUT OF MY SKIN THEY HURT SO BAD I JUST WANT MY BOYS TO BE HAPPY AND SAFE AGAIN)

(Boys includes: Darren, Harkat, Mr Crepsley. Vancha, Alice and Debbie. Not Steve Leopard. Fuck Steve Leopard. All my homies hate Steve Leopard)

And another thing: now I know about actual science - ‘vampire atoms are wobbly so they don’t show up on cameras’ - that is some of the most shallow pseudo scientific bullshit I’ve seen outside of JoJo’s. I love it. It’s so silly and makes no sense.

[dancingafterdark]

this is more a reminder to myself that i’m throwing out into the void than anything that i intend to be inspirational, a thinly-veiled vent, if you will:

sometimes i can’t help but feel guilty that i’m falling behind on all my creative projects — my writing, my art, whether it be fandom-related or personal, and i think that’s both to do with general burnout and this grind culture that makes it hard to keep up if you don’t dedicate yourself to staying at top at all times.

then i have stop, take a breather, and put it into perspective a bit: no, i can’t keep up — burnout is a real thing that will sneak up on you when you least expect it, and i am a full-time student already struggling to get by each day with untreated ON and only one mostly functional eye, on top of my other health conditions and stressors. but that doesn’t mean the passion won’t die out entirely, not when my head is constantly set to burst with ideas new and old: i have been working on a novel for over ten years now. somedays, my interest will wane and for a time — after i had been working on my manuscript exclusively for months for my creative writing seminar — i exited out of the doc didn’t touch it for almost an entire year. i was exhausted and even glancing at a project that i had once poured hours into, meticulously crafting my plots and characters i still hold near and dear to my heart, intimidated me more than speaking in front of a full house — and my anxiety gets so bad that sometimes opening my email spurs panic attacks. it’s not like i hated writing now, i was just tired; so i gave myself a much needed break for as long as my brain deemed necessary and redirected my energy towards new projects — new stories, new hyperfixations, new toy boxes to play with. i’ve recently returned to that manuscript and revisiting all my darling has never felt more refreshing, although i’ve been spreading my attention across different projects as opposed to focusing all my attention on one core idea until i wring myself dry so that i don’t repeat my mistakes.

don’t feel guilty if you can’t keep up, me, because you can’t — sometimes you lose that spark, sometimes you have to prioritize your physical and mental well-being — but that’s okay because you have all the time in the world. what’s the fucking rush, me? you are not a machine, you are not pumping out a product on an assembly line; you are creating because it makes you happy, and what you create, no matter how niche, will make someone, somewhere, happy too — for a time — and even if that someone loses interest in what you create because they too are not a mindless sycophant that exists only to consume, that doesn’t mean that love never existed or is gone forever.

so what’s the fucking rush, me? go take a nap, eat some food, drink more water, go for the walk you so desperately need, pet your cat, do some chores, finish that assignment. your shit isn’t going anywhere, it’ll still be there when you return, however long that may take, i promise.

[wanderingmind867]

I'm close to having 5,500 posts. That doesn't always make me feel great, because I'm prone to getting in my own head and telling myself I could be more productive. But I never do anything! it's a condrum I've faced before: Do the pros of having social media outweigh the Cons?

I mean, it's nice to vent about my stress and depression on here. Its also helped me with social interaction. But it may also be responsible for my inability to have any hyperfixations. So idk.

I wish tumblr was easier to use when not logged in. I also wish I had good impulse control. If both those things improved, I may not have as many problems.

[lyxthen]

My hyperfixation is keeping me from being productive. I have so much homework to do yet I can only think of the blorbos. Barely didn't eat because I was reading fanfiction. How do I, like, kill it? It is doing me no good (I mean it does bring me impossible ammounts of serotonin but I need to do school things and right now I don't have time to re-read lord of the rings for a... Fourth time, now? Nor the energy to start with the Silm again) and I want to get rid of it. I know it'll come back, as it always does, but right now it's like... The WORST possible moment for that. If I want to stay in school I can't daydream about middle earth all day during class. I like class, I worked hard to get into the classes I did, we even have a Morphology and Etimology class. How awesome is that? It's almost a dream, really, listening to the teacher go on about Latin and Greek roots and being the only one there who cares. I can barely contain my joy every time he asks for the meaning of a morpheme and I know it, when he talks about phonetics and I know the names of the consonants in the IPA. I can't give myself the luxury of failing, not that class and not any other.

Middle Earth will always be there for me, but not the chance to finish high-school. Not the chance to finish in this school, at least, the school I worked so hard to get into. I wouldn't survive anywhere else.

Such a beautiful language is my native tongue. I have grudges with it, as I do with English, but I am fond of it. It's as if things meant more when you say them in Spanish. Writing in English feels like cheating.

I am re-learning my own language, not because I've forgotten it, but because one doesn't really "learn" it, not in the way that matters to me, anyway. You learn to speak and you don't worry about grammar, but I do care, because I am weird, and speaking isn't enough for me, I want to know how it works. Where it came from and why. I adore it. I love it almost as much as I love bugs and snakes. I don't know if anything can top that, really, we'll see.

I don't think I would be this annoyed if the Creative Writing teacher wasn't so snobbish. He has a very strict definition of what literature is. Imagine saying that Picasso's paintings are not real art because they don't appeal to you specifically. I don't like them very much, either, if I am being honest! But negating all artistic merit they could possibly have on the basis that I don't particularly enjoy them would be senseless, at the very least.

I love stories, not the abstract notion of what "the aesthetic use of words" means. And don't get me wrong, I love flowery language and subverting the rules of grammar, but how much is that worth it if it doesn't have a substance behind it? Literature should not be about hiding the message of what you are trying to say, but about bringing it out, brighter than ever! Using analogy not to conceal meaning is foolish and pretentious, I think. I know that kind of wordplay doesn't appeal to everyone, and that's alright. Not everyone has to "get it". But you have to try, at least, to comunicate something, because isn't that what art and language are all about?

In Toki Pona there is one single word for drawing and writing down. They are not so different, if you think about it, a painting from a book. Except of course, a painting is static. Books seem static, but experiencing them is anything but. You can look at a painting and say ah, that's beautiful! But to read a book you have to engage with it, you have to get into the "interpreting" mindset.

Ah, where was I going with all this? I got distracted, venting my feelings to the internet again. How charming of me. That is to mean, not charming at all, you fool, you stupid little blob fish. I really should start with homework now, but it's daunting. I don't think I have time to finish it all for tomorrow. Yet, wouldn't it be better to do at least some of it, rather than nothing? I can't argue with myself about that. I am right, I always end up being right, but I don't listen to myself ever. I am so wise yet so dumb. I know the answers I need but I don't want to hear them. Why is getting things done so hard when I know I have to do them? When I enjoy doing them? When I know it is good?

It's like I've got everything figured it out, but then I don't do it.

Writing this post is giving me a headache. I just have to put my phone down, and boredom will do its thing.

Just. Put the phone down.

[makimakikun]

Maki Katsuragi: The Autism Theory

Maki Katsuragi could be on the autism spectrum. Here’s why! TW: Abuse mentions/references, mental disorders/disabilities in-depth, child abuse, psychological aspects, and childhood conditioning. 

I think the common conception of mentally ill/disabled people not being confident in nature or never being able to fit into a setting isn’t entirely accurate for everyone or a good way to sum up such a wide variety of people. 

Let’s go into maki’s personality. His most noticeable quality: he’s confident. He’s confident enough to shape the environment he enters if he wishes. He’s confident enough to make people bend or even change their entire perspective on things. 

Did you notice everyone had false misconceptions about him? Everyone was surprised when he said certain things, like they weren’t expected of someone “with his personality”. For example, what he told Itsuki after he hit the boy with the racket, what he said when Tsubasa held the racket, what he told Yuu after confronting them, what he said to Touma after the matches, etc.  There are so many examples of people misconstruing Maki. People thinking he’s not as smart or as considerate as he actually is.

Why? I think it’s because he comes off a certain way. He seems too confident; too formal; too anti-social; too whatever. Everyone has misconceptions of everyone else, but these are things I heavily related to: the ways everyone saw Maki. 

To add personal experiences-- in the environment I was raised in, I had to be confident. I had to learn how to confront opposition with a calm war face. I had to learn how to speak; how to stand; how to stare into people’s eyes despite being uncomfortable with it; how to seem like I did things with little thought to them, despite the fact that I overthought constantly. This made many people think I was an airhead, or just generally not as smart as others.  I’ve had many people be really surprised that I was insecure, that I had issues, that I was smart & analytical. it’s happened to most people I met. These same misconceptions are bred when people see Maki, just because he’s confident and makes talking/moving/doing anything look easy. While we can see he’s smart as the audience, the other characters cannot, and this is important to remember.

Living while mentally disabled in a situation where you have an assigned job (like mediator & provider, which are Maki’s jobs) and huge responsibilities (both household chores/jobs and/or emotional support, which are also Maki’s jobs) is different from living while ill in a situation where your responsibilities are limited (like Touma’s).  There are many reasons why Touma’s issues seem more relatable and noticeable to the audience than Maki’s, and it has to do with the familial and outside dynamics they experienced throughout their life, as well as personality and disorder conflicts.

By personality and disorder conflicts, I mean that Maki and Touma have a lot of differences, both in upbringing, personality, and in the disorders I believe they have. Maki contrasts from Touma’s Autistic relatability most likely because he seems to have both ADHD and Autism, in my opinion. It’s a combination that can leave you a lot more jumbled and harder to relate to than just having Autism or ADHD alone, like I headcanon that Touma only has Autism.

Circling back to Maki’s personality. He seems to have a case of Chronic Chillness, outside of his obvious impatience issue, which I think is an indicator of his trueness as a person. In that respect, I mean that his impatience may be an indicator that he’s not as nonchalant as he seems. This is a huge part of my own mentally ill experience, so I felt the need to mention it.  It doesn’t mean I never look anxious or that I’m never anxious; It’s that no one sees it or suspects it. Sometimes I even convince myself. I have lax shoulders, I make lazed movements, I speak confidently & a lot of the time with slang or curses. Maki exhibits these qualities as well, aside from the cursing. However, I become starchly formal with people I don’t plan on befriending or becoming close with - esp in a professional setting (I.E. how Maki acted with the teacher and meeting the team, as I’ve concluded his original belief was that he wouldn’t attempt to attach himself to the team emotionally at first) - and I add formality to most newer people unless it’s a casual setting and I want them to feel comfortable/welcome. 

I create environments where either respect is expected or people feel obligated to bend in their hatred, whether it be out of insecurity, fear, or genuine appreciation. Maki does speak confidently and calmly, and he does all that I listed, in my opinion.  Let’s talk about the symptoms and symptom portrayals.  ♡ First up on the list: Intensive focusing/ Hyperfocusing/Interest in specific topics alone, with a habit of losing interest or not showing interest in other things. This is one of the most talked-about symptoms in processing and learning disorders from my experience.  One could say Maki is the definition of this symptom. He shows little interest in school, clubs, or any other subject besides astronomy. Specifically, as of most episodes, his book given to him by Ryouma, which he seems to continuously read despite it being a small book. We can assume he may be reading it over and over again.  The only club he now focuses on is soft tennis. That began from a place of obligation, not genuine interest. He seemed to have felt morally obligated to join after receiving a promise to money and a racket. However, we can assume he’s more emotionally invested in this team now, after rekindling his friendship with Touma and meeting the club members.  His focus on the club is obvious. He allows it to be a part of his daily life, and seems to even spend his off-time putting together schedules for their play, as seen in the episode where Rintarou and Touma speak privately. He also speaks of soft tennis during breaks within the school or dinner at his own apartment, as seen in the episodes where Yuu, Kanako, and Touma visit.  ♡ Moving on to the second symptom. Tics, like repeated motions, phrases, or movements. These movements or phrases can vary in frequency and noticeability. It can be shown subtly or as a common and known action that this person does every day. Maki Katsuragi seems to have a catchphrase - saying “I see.” or “naru-ho-do”, but since this isn’t your typical anime and the characters are portrayed as a lot more realistic than troupes, we can assume this could be a sign of a tic. He also tends to make strange movements while thinking, which is a sign that he’s trying to process what he’s about to say or what he’s thinking of.  This scene, in particular, stood out to me. While thinking, Maki idly swung his hand in circles. This is something I do personally as well. I tend to circle my hands while thinking to either enunciate my words or figure out a way to explain what I’m about to say, as well as try to process things I’ve heard. 

♡ On to the third symptom, which is - in my opinion - a very important one. Trouble showing or expressing certain emotions well or clearly. This can range from ways of speech, to expressions, to body language, and so forth. This can be both subtle or severe, depending on the case. Maki seems to be the type that wears smiles on his sleeve in good situations, but... let me ask you a question. Did anyone see the ending coming? I can’t say that I did, but I can tell you that I don’t think it’s unrealistic for it to happen. What I noticed about Maki is that he’s not the best at showcasing emotions outside the scope of positive or neutral, which is a huge indicator of many things. Two of them are some of the main issues in his life. Physical and mental abuse (from his father), and an overly cheerful and somewhat neglectful parental figure whose nature most likely makes him feel obligated to keep up a facade and not vent his frustrations (like his mother). In truth, many of the scenes where Maki was happy in recent episodes could’ve been motivators for him to pick up the knife. The looming threat of his father never went away, and when you’re in a happy situation, while there’s a threat still lurking, it can leave you to wonder when all these good things will be taken away. His mother possibly being hurt or even kidnapped are huge solidifiers for his resolve. I’ll be addressing this motivation-driven argument further in another post. Moving on now! Maki shows very few expressions. One of his most common being a blank face that looks a touch angry. It doesn’t mean he is angry; I think the intention behind his facial expressions is that he has trouble showing a relaxed neutral expression as well as having what many would call a “resting bitch face”. Most of his expressions range from constant neutral, curious, scared, happy, or the occasional mad. His voice tone is also key here. He often speaks around the same keys. His voice is quiet and calm, with the occasional hint of playfulness. However, it rarely rises or falls drastically, unless in a serious situation. Even then, Maki still doesn’t sound very different from his usual tone.  He also moves very directly and with purpose. It’s rare for him to show hesitation or anxiety, which may be a product of Autism, ADHD, and/or living with his father, where any sign of fear, sadness, or anger could cost him. ♡  Here’s a fourth symptom. Not remembering information, especially information not regarding hyperfixations or general interests. This is common in many illnesses but is hugely prevalent in both Autism and ADHD.  This is shown especially in the scene where he meets Kanako Mitsue for the second time canonly. He didn’t even remember her face, name, or room despite just meeting her yesterday. This is a huge indicator of a memory problem regarding information his brain considers “not important”, as he seems to remember most things about his interests and chores clearly. 

This is getting increasingly long, so I think I may be ending it here! This is a subject I could go on and on for, but I think I made some good and valid points here! It took me a long time to finish this, as my motivation is lacking.  Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! 

[atomicwizardyouth]

Getting diagnosed with ASD as an adult

 Okay so I need to get some stuff off of my chest.

So I’ve only recently (~2 years ago) been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD/Autism) and I got that diagnosis at age 22. Now how did I get this diagnosis you ask? Great question! I didn’t want to get tested for anything, I just needed someone to vent to so I could get rid of the fucking suicidal idealisation.

Oh but OP, it can’t be that bad? Fuck off. I went through hell in my teenage years with people dying every. Single. Fucking. Year. after I turned 13. It’s a long story, it usually takes 30-60 minutes to give people the short version so I’m gonna skip that for now.

So here’s what I figured out that sucks about autism:

- I don’t feel stress, I just feel headaches and muscle pains and then I need to figure out if it’s because of a whole list of reasons or just cuz of stress

- Apparently I am more sensitive to sounds, visual stimuli, light and smells than a regular person which causes me to be stressed out a lot quicker than a NT human. Yeah this is fucking great when you can’t feel the stress build up!

- I have low empathy and seriously struggle with the entire ‘putting myself into someone else’s position’ because I just can’t understand what it’s like for them (please don’t ever cry near me, PLEASE)

- My world is very easy: predictable = good, good = healthy schedules & taking care of myself. Unpredictable/changes = bad, bad = no energy, no structure & I basically ignore all of my bodily signals. That’s bad! (won’t eat and stuff like that)

- Logic is my standard reaction, if logic doesn’t work it’s immediate anger. Yeah it fucking sucks, I know, but I can’t fucking control it any more than I already do. What is a ‘minor inconvenience’ for a NT person can be a “PRESS THE BIG RED BUTTON FOR RAGE” for me and then I need to throw something, or break something because otherwise my head gets stuck in a feedback loop of anger, resentment & regret and then it gets WORSE. 

- I am always doing something with my fingers, hands or legs because otherwise something is wrong

- If someone messes with my schedule it can ruin my day and if it’s a big thing it can ruin a week or MORE and there’s NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. If you want me to do anything give me ~24 hour warning and I’ll be 100% fine. If you tell me at 8pm that my 9pm plans need to be changed? Be prepared to deal with stressed/anxious/angry me!

- I am afraid of what people might think of me now I’m labelled with something that’s this permanent and uncurable, so I am constantly anxious (working on that with therapy tho)

- People that break very clear rules around me make me FURIOUS, this is especially relevant during the pandemic. People that wear masks under their noses and people that don’t keep 1.5m distance suck a lot! People that don’t follow traffic laws (A RED LIGHT MEANS YOU STOP YOU FUCKHEADS) and it’s very rough to figure out that other people don’t see it like this and that I’m the ‘weirdo’ in this case. 

And now here are the good things!:

- I have a very strong long term memory where I can clearly recall details from conversations, things I learned or from random things if my brain deemed them important enough at the time. I can still vividly remember things I learned in elementary school and once that memory gets triggered I can recite that knowledge like I’d just read it (but it ONLY works if the memory gets ‘properly’ triggered)

- My logic & reasoning skills are very good!

- Languages are easy to pick up (apart from French, fuck French) since you just kind of learn the rules and then follow them and then you have a functioning language! (I’m fluent in Dutch & English, I’m passable in German and currently studying Danish because I want to)

- I’m great at finance & law! Rules rules rules rules rules they are SO NICE and it’s great to be able to follow rules to help people make sense of the insanity that law & finance is. I’m able to see minute details that are off (11 euros in a 10 million budget and that intuition of “something is OFF HERE” whenever I just look through finances and calculations. Also please play boardgames with me but GIVE ME THE MANUAL, PLEAAAASE. I absolutely love reading through them and then remembering all the rules and then I can explain them to everyone!!!!!!!!

- Hyperfixation on fun projects and stuff!!!! I absolutely love being able to just close myself off from the entire world to do something that my brain thinks is great to do at that time! That can sometimes be videogames (looking at you, civ 5 sessions that last 12+ hours for a few days in a row), something creative or even reading! I love to just jump into another world (especially magic!!!!) and just live through those books for a few days/weeks at a time

And just some general things:

- It’s great to see that talking about mental health has become more accepted in the online communities and it’s becoming better irl as well! I feel absolutely validated by some of the stories people have shared here on tumblr, but also on reddit and it makes me feel accepted and it makes me feel like I still belong in this world!

- Suddenly a lot of the stuff I did as a kid is now easily explained by “ah I was being an autistic kid at times” instead of trying to figure out why I did things differently or had more problems with certain things (seriously, fuck any art class that made me make an ‘original’ product, I can only IMITATE STUFF)

- Life is too short to be scared of your own disorders, so learn about them and try to deal with some of your shit and (hopefully) your life becomes a bit better :D

It’s tough for me to see the good instead of the bad (human brain being fucky and a bit depresso) but I hope some of you can relate to this or find this and figure out that you’re not alone!

[prestisssimo-tempestuoso]

Yo, are you ok? Anything we can do to help or does venting to us help enough? But yeah the "you're an adult now!" thing kickstarting anxiety makes sense, I mean I got a bill for college for the first time and I almost had a panic attack so. You're not alone???

hahaha oh god my college days (strange to say this, to admit that it is now behind me) were just basically a constant never-ending queue of one panic attack after another, triggered by the smallest things and honestly im still not over it. i think we’re supposed to approach these things positively, think of them as markers of progress (not that ive ever gone to a therapist), but in reality it’s very difficult to treat them with that attitude, isn’t it?

thanks for this message, btw, and yeah, venting on here does help a lot. im surprised i still have followers at all lmao. it’s just, all night ive been hyperventilating and on the verge of tears ever since i got off that phone call, and ive just been trying to distract myself via shows and youtube videos and stupid gacha game content and it’s working very very slowly.

i don’t understand why some Adults feel like it’s necessary to say that kind of thing to you at all. ive come to the tentative conclusion that it does nothing except stoke their own egos. look, we’re trying really hard, okay, we’re new at this whole life thing. we don’t need you to remind us of the things we’re supposed to be responsible for now, it’s hard enough without you heaping expectations on us like this is a test and we’re school children. we’re adults, making our own decisions, ruining our own lives. i understand that we’re responsible for more than ourselves now, but it’s hard enough without your constant need to remind us to Perform, Or Else. because that’s what these “you’re an adult now“ speeches are, basically. they’re ultimatums, and they really serve no purpose except to make the speaker feel good and the listener feel belittled and inadequate and panic-stricken. is this really so hard to see?

so yeah. basically did nothing productive tonight except trying unsuccessfully to wind myself down from this whole mini-breakdown. you know. just another saturday night. oh well.

these messages really help distract me too. don’t feel pressured or anything because i promise you i can talk into the void all day by myself, and that helps too. but i wouldnt mind if someone wanted to send me thoughts about a shared hyperfixation or recent show or something like that. but and im ashamed to say this but im horrible at responding to people in a timely manner. but i’ll see it and i’ll love you.

anyway, congratulations on beginning college! hope online classes aren’t too hard on you if that’s what your university has decided on doing. personally i find that some classes are even easier when it’s conducted through virtual meetings, while others...not so much. but at least everybody is in it together, including the professors, who’ll usually be more understanding considering the situation at hand. it’s a very strange world we live in now.

[euclyta]

This year’s art summary! Oh goodness, comparing this year to the last, I’ve actually improved both in art and my personal life. 2016 was extremely hard on me and my mental health, and it carried over a bit to the beginning of 2017.

Explanations and descriptions under the cut!:

JANUARY

January wasn’t my best month of the year, to say the least. When I had thought I was doing amazing, on December a part of my past returned and I kinda became a bit depressed again. Luckily it didn’t last long.

I didn’t draw much on this month, it was actually hard to find any art I had done at all; but I managed to find a silly Orion drawing.

FEBRUARY

This is where I can actually pinpoint I was getting better at art. My faces began looking... smoother? And I started adding more details, and the binary tool became my best friend LMAO. The piece I chose for this was a birthday gift for my friend Del.

MARCH

Went back to an old fandom of mine- Danganronpa, thanks to my friend Rice beginning their Smash Bros. comic, Smashronpa. This specific piece came from a stream of theirs where we bingewatched the first anime while they drew in the background. Again, binary tool, I Love You.

APRIL

Here’s where things started... getting a bit rough again. I suddenly started feeling like I didn’t matter to my then boyfriend and I felt alienated since he seemed to spend more time with others while we barely talked. Everything hurt a lot, but I found a strange comfort in an old OC, flower meanings and classical music.

The drawing I chose for this month is one of my vent arts, based around Pathetique’s 2nd Movement and the flowers Forget Me Not.

MAY

I picked myself back up from April and got into my biggest special interest and hyperfixation thus far- Super Mario! It all began with listening to the N64 Rainbow Road theme, and from there I realized how much I loved that silly plumber. My favorite character though? Rosalina. For months now, she’s most of what I’ve drawn. And I’m not complaining, I LOVE her a lot.

Sadly, here I abandoned the binary tool for a while and returned to the good old painting brush.

JUNE

Pride month! Still hyperfixated on Mario, I drew a little but cute thing! As you may know, I’m biromantic, and kin with Rosie, so what’s more fitting than drawing Rosalina celebrating bi pride?

A huge thing from this month was Nozomi Tojo’s birthday, who’s also an incredibly important character to me. There’s a piece I drew for it, but looking at it I’m a bit embarassed to show it ;w;

JULY

There was a specific day of this month that had me in the dumps- the birthday of a former friend. While I really didn’t have anything to be upset about, it felt a bit odd. Luckily the world seemed to notice that and gave me something unexpected that same day- a cat.

-And even more Rosalina! This month I also started taking Chibi commissions, but even now I got two clients ;w; Oh well.

AUGUST

Probably one of the least productive months of the year. I kept procastinating on those few commissions I had, but in the end I managed to push myself foward to do them.

This one here was for Reyne, and to this day it remains one of my favorite little pieces of mine.

SEPTEMBER

Two things: my birthday, and a new IAMX album. Compared to all the sadness I felt last year on my birthday, having a new album by my favorite artist drop on that same day, plus being surrounded by people I love was amazing.  Also my best month of art!

However, at the end of the month I suffered a break up. I was a bit depressed at first, but quickly realized it was for the better as it was stressing the both of us a lot. 

This here is my second absolute favorite drawing of the year, based on IAMX’s Under Atomic Skies (that’s where my url comes from!). I also finally got that fuckin’ WiiU I had been waiting for since October of 2016.

OCTOBER

October was three months ago, but still feels so recent... here I was still depressed about the break up I mentioned, but was still kickin’. After I expressed that I would like to play Undertale again, Draco went out and bought me a copy on Steam! It was crazy and one of the best gifts I’ve received.

My notebooks got filled with silly attempts at drawing Asriel, and Jooj sent me a copy of Adobe Flash too! I think it was also around this time that I started developing a crush on a friend...

NOVEMBER

More IAMX-inspired Xenoblade, this time by Avalanches. This is my absolute most favorite drawing I’ve done all year. It started as a shitty doodle in a notebook at school, and I liked it too much and it ended up becoming this. To this day, Zanza remains my favorite Xenoblade character.

Aside from this, I don’t remember drawing much...

DECEMBER

This month thus far hasn’t been too eventful. Xenoblade 2 dropped and I was shocked to see how much I actually liked it after being so disappointed by all the bad designs I had seen.

I also recently got into Houseki no Kuni! And as I have a tradition of drawing Orion as part of whatever series I’m into at the moment, I drew her as a Gem. And what do you know? It was the return of my old trusty binary tool!

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There’s nothing else I really want to say, other than I’m extremely thankful that this year went so much better than last. I’m surrounded by amazing friends everyday and I almost never have any reason for my depression to resurface anymore. There’s still a few days left in the year, and I hope that they can go by peacefully. Thank you all so much for continuing to follow me!

[313centimetres]

alright i have a good song playing so i'll just vent until its over

alright so i havent had any structure in my life since march, which means ive been way more prone to dissociation and suicidal thoughts cause im genuinely just not productive in the least all i do is watch netflix and youtube vids ive already seen because i havent found anything new to hyperfixate over and i also have zero motivation for getting off my ass and out of the house to get a job which i need because all i do is drink and smoke weed all fucking day

speaking of, i really fucking want to quit smoking and drinking every goddamn day but its like.. the only thing that makes me feel anything and i fucking love when i get really drunk and then take a rip and get such a headrush that i end up sweating and coughing it makes me feel so alive and the only other thing thats given me that has been cutting which i really dont wanna get back into since im stripping now smfh

so anyways idk how to explain to Professionals™️ that im not actively suicidal but any time im alone and its quiet i cant help but think about how fucking pointless it is for me to be around like i just genuinely dont have the motivation to be alive and to be a person in society

oh also any time i drive i get really dissociative and suicidal to a point where sometimes i have to pull over cause i cant stop thinking about getting into a car crash

idk it really sucks that if u want any type of long term (more than 6 months) treatment or resource you have to pay so much money and even then i dont know what it would take to really make me want to live

i feel like im living on autopilot and days just blur together this summer went by so fast i didnt even get to do what i wanted i just want a fucking break i need something new or exciting to make me fucking feel alive

idk its 1am while writing this im currently in a numb pre-dissociative space where i just need to cry or else i'll explode bye

[sysig]

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