#because what is impossible even for the most powerful person on earth is not impossible with God

[eddis-not-eeddis]

One of the most beautiful things about being a Christian is the fact that I can take my sorrows, my worries, my pain, my joys, my desires, my hope--all of it!--directly to God. And he cares about it. Even when it's small and personal, and even when it's so big I can't deal with it myself. I can take all of it to him, and I know he will take care of it.

[brionysea]

when it comes to the umbrella academy, a lot of people seem to think that the first half is great and the second half is terrible. personally, I think only the first *season* is great, or even good. here's why:

the mission statement at the end of season 1 is fixing viktor, but viktor isn't the only broken one, so you can infer that they're all going to have to fix *each other* - as a family, the one thing their abuser never let them be. and the world's burning down around them because of the most dramatic sibling confrontation to ever grace the earth, but they're holding hands and escaping together and surviving the impossible with the intent to move forward, even if that means momentarily moving backwards. it's a masterful allegory for finally growing up, accepting responsibility for your personal trauma and tragedy and how they shaped you, and the moment you take that power back by choosing to heal your inner child, only after being slapped in the face with the fact that if you don't, it *will* destroy everything you've ever built, ever cared about, and ever could.

and then the rest of the show forgets all of it. as it were, it goes in the *exact opposite direction.*

on the surface, the second season isn't *as* bad as the subsequent ones are. but season 3 and 4's faults can be traced back to season 2 by how it pivoted away from the serious subject matter that the story (not the plot - the *story*) was heavily baked in, leaning hard into the goofier elements instead, without ever understanding the contrast that those conflicting elements served to highlight. it made them both more powerful; the jokes were funnier because you were just devastated, and the trauma was more devastating because you were just in tears laughing. the emotional roller coaster is key to understanding these people, and you *have* to take the serious stuff seriously for it to work. at least half of the show doesn't, and as a result, the emotional moments feel hollow.

controversial opinion: as a character, luther is better in season 1 than he is anywhere else. he's more unlikable, but that's because he's implicitly there to show what *not* to do - even if he'd succeeded narratively by locking viktor up and saving the world, he still failed thematically by emulating their father and continuing the cycle of abuse - so luther's a character that's being very effectively used to add to the core theme of the story. he feels like a real, frustrating person, whose brain chemistry got messed up by years of abuse and isolation, all for the crime of thinking his father loved him and wanted the best for him. not like a made up guy on your screen doing silly stuff solely for your entertainment.

season 2 was also the start of the characters getting love interests instead of storylines, which season 1 never would have *dreamed* of; klaus and dave's tragic romance only served to further klaus's character arc, viktor's creepy boyfriend was actually manipulating him the whole time, five's fractured-psyche-mannequin was a narrative tool to let us see into the head of such an emotionally reticent character, and so on. the romance served the character, but fairly quickly into the show's progression, it felt like the character started serving the romance. five was immune to this curse for a long time due to aidan gallagher's age, which is why he's (for the most part) the best, most consistent character across the show, because they had to use their *imagination* for him and actually *write an arc* instead of falling back on tired romance tropes that any selection of characters could slot into to fill the dead space.

after season 1, the umbrella academy is entertaining, but it doesn't have anything to *say.* which is extremely disappointing when the show initially made such a strong case for what it wanted to be.

[fuckyeahisawthat]

I think Crowley falls into two of the classic pitfalls of people who see that the problems are systemic long before anyone else around them does: impatience and despair.

(Yes yes I know, “Crowley was an optimist.” Book Crowley is an optimist. I don’t think that line is particularly useful for analyzing TV Crowley. Stay with me here.)

Let it be said that 95% of the time, Crowley has the patience of a fucking saint (ssh don’t tell him) around Aziraphale. He knows that Aziraphale needs to build his little plausible deniability rationales in order to do something that they both know he wants to do (because it’s right or simply because he would enjoy it) but Heaven wouldn’t approve of. And most of the time, Crowley is happy to help Aziraphale get there, asking the questions Aziraphale is afraid to ask, offering excuses and justifications until Aziraphale finds one he can accept. He does a lot of work of parsing out when “no” means “you haven’t convinced me yet, keep trying” and pushing through all the “I’m an angel, you’re a demon, we’re on opposite sides and mine is the good one” talk that Aziraphale gets up to all the way through s1. Because he knows that Aziraphale doesn’t really believe that stuff, right? He just needs some time to talk himself around his own cognitive dissonance, and most of the time Crowley is not only happy to facilitate that but sees it as part of his role in their relationship.

But then when the chips are down and Aziraphale is still dithering, that’s when he gets frustrated, because HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE what’s been blindingly obvious to Crowley for millennia, that Heaven is just as cruel as Hell and no one is going to step in and fix it because the system is working as intended. And that’s when he says things like “how can someone as clever as you be so stupid?” Which is a surefire way not to convince the person you’re arguing with of anything.

And then there’s the despair. I really think the running away thing is not about cowardice or selfishness or some kind of unhealthy level of avoidance of hard or scary things, but about hopelessness. They’ve spent their lives avoiding very very real danger, and of the two of them Crowley is much more constantly aware of the danger that they are in from both sides. Yes he’s hypervigilant but he is also almost always right about the amount of danger they are in. Trying to get as far away from danger as possible is not an irrational response, even if it’s not always the correct one for a given situation.

When you feel like you’re the only person who sees how rotten the system is, how it needs to be dismantled entirely, but you are also VERY aware of how strong the people in power are and how ruthless they are about crushing dissent because you experienced it personally…well that gets fucking depressing after a while. Because even if you think the whole system needs to go, that feels like a completely unattainable goal when it seems like no one else even sees the problem, or if they see it, they are too afraid to do anything about it. And can you blame them? You know exactly what happens to people who speak up.

So it’s very easy for your goals to shrink from systemic change to just taking yourself and the people you love and finding somewhere for them to be as safe as possible, for as long as the system will let you exist. Because reforming the system is a fool’s errand, and dismantling it entirely seems impossible. I think this is where Crowley is at. Even if on some level he knows it’s an imperfect solution, because both of them have enough compassion that they would feel guilty abandoning Earth and humans to save themselves, and because Heaven and Hell really can find them anywhere in the universe. He just doesn’t see another option.

And look, I think Aziraphale is 100% wrong that Heaven can be reformed. But he is not wrong to want to stay and fight to make things better, even if it means sacrificing the Earthly comforts he loves so much, and even if it means doing it without Crowley by his side.

Ultimately they both need each other. Aziraphale needs Crowley for his willingness to ask questions and to see the scale of the problem, even if it’s terrifying. But Crowley needs Aziraphale for his hope, his stubborn determination to believe things can and should be better, and to fight for that. In the right hands, hope is an enormously powerful weapon.

[ineffable-suffering]

The meaning of "I forgive you"

Alright, hello again, I involuntarily dipped for a bit because real life outside of this lovely Tumblr Good Omens bubble got a little bit stressful, but! I'm back for a quick little post to say that I'm currently reading the script book for Season 1 and seeing this line again, spelled out on paper, just shone some more light on the whole „I forgive you“-scene of Season 2 for me again.

Because really, this first time Az says it to Crowley in front of the bookshop tells us exactly what the second time during the Final Fifteen means.

Aziraphale is not forgiving Crowley for kissing him. Or for using this moment to confess and make things explicit between them.

No, Aziraphale is forgiving Crowley for not trusting and believing (in) him.

Let's shove the Final Fifteen to the side for a second and look at this scene from Season 1 under the cut.

The situation at hand: The World is ending, with utmost certainty. In addition, Crowley is absolutely f*cked and Hell is out to get him. He tries to apologise for their Bandstand fallout and explain the other two things to Az (poorly, but he tries). Because to Crowley, Armageddon is a done deal already. Wherever the actual Antichrist is, he's gonna come into his power and the World will be wiped out for Heaven and Hell to wage their war on. Also, Hastur is coming to kick his demon ass. Time to dip!

And yet, Aziraphale doesn't want to come with him. He is adamant that he will be able to reach the Almighty, talk to Her and turn this around. Because if Aziraphale, Guardian of the Eastern Gate, thinks there's even the slightest, tiniest morsel of a chance that he can turn things around the right way, he will do it. Even if it sounds ridiculous. Even if it's a lost cause to everyone else. Even if all the other angels gang up on him and (literally) beat him up.

Even if Crowley calls him stupid.

Aziraphale decides not to be offended by this.

Because this is what he does. This is what a Guardian does. He stays and protects to ward off the intrusion, until the very last second.

Now listen, I'm the last person to blame Crowley for intrinsically wanting to choose Flight over Fight in this very situation, because Lord knows (literally) what happened to him back when he chose Fight and lost.

But at the same time we have to keep in mind that despite his last name, Aziraphale never Fell. He never made the horrible experience of being chucked away by the one who made you to love Her because you chose to question her ways. And yes, in so many ways this choice of his, to still believe that he can change something by questioning and suggesting (both here and in S2), is utterly maddening and hurtful to Crowley. Because it's a mirror of what Crowley himself did and a reminder of just how big the price he had to pay was. Aziraphale seemingly not realizing or understanding this stings. It does.

And yet.

Yet Aziraphale's choice to not take no for an answer, to not let a punch to the gut derail him from his plan, to not let even the most definitive thing such as Armageddon keep him from fighting back, is the one thing that ends up saving the World.

Because even when it all seems impossible and completely hopeless and bloody Satan himself is erupting from the pits of Hell, ...

... Aziraphale picks up his sword and fights back.

And he wins.

Not without help, of course. But might I remind you of what got Crowley to cooperate and not simply surrender like he'd almost done that second?

You might not see it at first, but tucked in between all the posh hedonism, hidden away underneath that tightly buttoned waistcoat of his, Aziraphale is a fighter. And a good one at that. I mean, for Someone's sake, he got discorporated, beamed himself down back to Earth, found Crowley somehow, possessed a psychic prostitute (love you, Madame Tracy), rode a scooter all the way to Taddfield and fought off Lucifer with sheer willpower (and a bit of emotional coercion).

Aziraphale can fight. Smart and hard. And not only that: He can win, too. And he knows it. Because he believes, truly, firmly and wholly, that he can make things right. It's the only thing he will settle for. This, ladies and gents, this is how he ends up saving the World, together with Crowley, Adam and the rest.

Because he didn't accept no as an answer. He didn't look at the impossible and accept it as such. Even when Crowley thought him to be an idiot for trying and even after his initial attempt at talking to God had failed, Aziraphale still found a way to stop The Big Bad Thing from happening.

Which is exactly what his plan is when he ends up being forced to come back to Heaven by the Metatron. (If you still believe this was a voluntary choice, read here). And which is exactly why he is so hurt and still ends up forgiving Crowley for the fact that Crowley doesn't end up coming with him. Doesn't end up understanding, trusting and believing (in) him, just like all the way back at the end of the World in Season 1.

Aziraphale decides not to be offended by this.

[mako-neexu]

this. THIS is the difference between serie and frieren. "magic is only a tool for killing." as serie's point of view because she is someone who craves battle. thats it. magic is for killing. magic beyond that is pretty worthless.

but for frieren, she collected the silliest spells, the most specific nearly useless spells as a hobby and because himmel loved her flower bed spell. he liked it. he loved her magic and thought it was beautiful when they met back then when he was lost. she saw him smile. and seeing him smile, in turn, got her to go on an adventure to collect grimoires and fight the demon king alongside her friends. and of course, of course magic is the world of visualization you know? this is why the world can be turned upside down, why heaven and earth could split, why even the most powerful demons and mages can be defeated in the end. because of the simple fact that frieren loved himmel, loved magic enough to collect any kind of it no matter what it was, her personality as someone who liked seeing a smile on a friend's face, her mundane spells that seem to be completely 'useless' in a fight can easily be transformed into something magnificent and powerful simply because her visualization and love allows her to transcend the impossible.

[phoenixeclipse-lmkau]

So uh, I realise I wrote too much again, so like, I don't expect the questions to be answered, I just think in questions and what ifs. I don't expect the questions to be answered at all just go for a general respond to the vibes if u want.

I think you should have Reader go back to her world and the duo try and go after her.

According to JTTW isn't the world in the palm of Buddha or something? Would Reader's world be in the future or an alternate world/palm?

I'm just imagining after they go through all their adventures and grow and mature as people[monkies?], they should get a power of friendship[romance] power boost to go to Reader's world and immediately cause chaos there, with all the drama that is involved.

What would they think about everyone knowing so much about them? Is there a heavenly realm/court thingy they can ransack, so we can have shenanigans of two heavenly courts fighting the duo and each other on what to do regarding the situation?

How would the duo react to meeting Reader's family? Would there be a Sun Wukong and Macaque in Reader's world? How would they react to the Cursed Warlords duo?

What if Reader goes home with them still cursed instead?

Imagine Reader being separated from them because as far as anyone knows, these are wild animals that should live in a zoo or something.

Nobody would believe that the monkeys came from another world, they would just wonder how Reader managed to steal 2 monkey cubs from their parents and habitat most likely across country lines

People probably think Reader is an abusive, cruel, ignorant asshole who probably got them from a poacher or something.

Can u imagine the amount of harassment, hate and vitriol Reader would get, and the monkeys would witness?

And they would only see a bunch of humans, targeting the one human who no matter what tried their best to keep them safe, saying that Reader is a horrible person that they will "save" them from, only to be shoved into tiny cages[carriers] only to be taken into a prison where they are stared at 24/7 with flashing lights from all sides with no privacy[zoo], forced to eat pellets while reader would probably starve before letting them go hungry[fruit has been bred to have too much sugar that it gives animals cavities so zoos don't use them], being manhandled by strangers poking random things into them[vets giving check-up and bloodwork]?

Imagine if they broke their curse after experiencing all of that, oh their reaction to everything:

monkey duo: "ok, there is no way we will leave Reader here, court-napping kidnapping 'rescue' reader plan is a go!"

reader, who only saw them as cubs and was imprisoned shortly after they were separated: "Who tf are you???? Why do these two monkey demons act like they know me??? How did they even get here??? WAIT WHY AM I BEING TAKEN BACK??? WHAT ABOUT THE CUBS?? are these the cubs parents??"

monkey duo, touched that reader still remembers to think about them after all this kerfuffle:"… ok we are definitely going to marry reader, gonna have to shift plans to move it up the schedule"

This had me absolutely busting a gut as I was reading it. The idea would be something that would be fun to play with for sure.

I don’t think that I’ll have them go to her world this early in the Au, but eventually they’ll probably go there because they don’t like her being anywhere that isn’t with them. Well other than Flower Fruit Mountain, as they believe that she is safest there. (Haven’t decided when they actually go to her world yet, or if they’ll go there quietly or if they’ll bust into the place or not)

Now for Reader’s World, I realize it’s something I haven’t really mentioned before. Reader’s world is a modern world, one that doesn’t have demons or monsters lurking around every corner. My thought is it’s just like Earth in this way. I like the idea of Reader’s world being one that isn’t on Buddha’s palm at all, in fact it’s a world that should be impossible for her to leave or travel to. However due to a specific magic that flows through her, she is able to get pulled to and from her world. What magic? Honestly haven’t decided on that yet. But the only way she can control it is with magical artifacts, her magic simply powering the artifact and guiding it to the right dimension. She and two other people are the only ones who can even do this properly, even if her own is a complete accident usage every time.

No there isn’t a Sun Wukong and Macaque in her world. That would be funny true, but with her world being a modern one I don’t feel like it fits.

My thoughts on Reader traveling between the worlds, hehe~ Let’s just say I’ve got a few fun plans for that. Especially when the Monkey Duo can’t do anything about it (At least not for a while). 👀 Heck due to the nature of Reader’s nullification to magic, Macaque can’t even just know when she arrives in their world. They will get rather desperate to get her back on more than one occasion. HA! I am going to make them work for this girl! They want her, they will have to work / fight for her. Though the fighting comes like second nature to them, heck more than second nature to them actually.

On the topic of marriage though, Wukong and Macaque think more along the lines of courting. They just want to court-nap her and mate with her and then she would be their wife by Demon standards. So they won’t really think to have an actual wedding… at least not until they learn about that human custom.

I loved your ideas btw, thank you so much for sharing them with me ❤️

As always if anyone else has any other ideas, then send them my way! I love to hear everyone’s thoughts. Such as this Anon’s who had me laughing so hard I swear my stomach hurt from it.

Just thinking about the monkey duo being put into a zoo was hilarious. The absolute rage Wukong would feel would be something to behold, including the fact that he’d probably tear down the zoo if the curse vanished while he was in it. Reader would be all worried about your monkeys trying to figure out how to free them when suddenly there’s some sort of fire happening at the zoo they were brought to. You would probably fear for the worst.

Until two monkey demons probably enter through your window, ready to take their darling back home.

“How…” Reader gasps as you stared into beautiful golden eyes that stared at you with a love stuck smile.

“Hello Reader~ Are you ready to go home?” Wukong mutters, his tail swaying back and forth like that of a cat.

“Who are you!?” you want to run. The demon in front of you is covered in blood and walking towards you at a rather quick pace, too quick.

“Now, now. We can’t have you running,” Another demon mutters as arms wrap around your waist, seemly out of no where.

Turning you are about to yell when you notice a set of three ears on each side of his head. Immediately your thoughts going to your little monkey cubs as she's picked up effortlessly.

"Ahh! Let me go! Who the heck are you!? Are you Plum and Peaches parents? Is that why you're here? I swear I don't have them, they- they're trapped at the zoo... I didn't do anything to them-" you would get cut off rather quickly.

"Shh, shh we know. We know that you didn't do anything other than care for them. Gotta say being called Plum for months was strange but can't say I hated it," Macaque would whisper in your ear.

As this is revealed to you, a sense of terror washes over you. Slowly you find yourself turning to look at the other monkey demon in the room. The similarities were so distinctive and they were right in your face. You couldn't deny it now.

"Now, let's get you back home. We aren't going to leave you for this stupid world to take care of you. No, they can't take care of you like we can," Wukong mutters, nuzzling his face against your cheek.

You can try to get out of their hold all you like, but you won't succeed with these two. They love you too much to let you go now. You sealed your fate the moment you gave them food, if I'm being honest. Especially with what the zoo tried to feed them.

[glittter-skeleton]

I haven’t seen anyone talk about Alastor’s cannibalism in relation to his relationship with Vox

So with most cannibalistic serial killers the reason they are people wasn’t because they liked the taste. It’s about full control and psycho-sexual desire as consumption.

The want of control is obvious all though Alastor’s character over himself and others. From the way he clearly gets joy out of ordering Husk around and literally owning his soul to his own ever-present smile (if we assume he’s not forsed into it as has not yet been confirmed) as a means of controlling his own character at all times. But with cannibalism it’s more than that, it’s control over your victim ever after they died, the power to not only control their souls but their body

And that’s where the psycho-sexual part of it comes in. In resent years movies like “raw” and “bones and all” we see what has always been a part of cannibalism: desire. Because it’s not only the power, it’s also the feeling of consumption, of becoming one with your victim. I’m a way, that’s not too different from sex in it’s most pure and carnal. In real killers most of the cases of cannibalism are sexual, with sex crimes accompanying. We can assume Alastor wasn’t like that, but the element or the carnal desire that plays such a big part in cannibalism still follows his character.

All of that to say that the desire that Alastor can feel in his own twisted way towards other demons is… impossible with Vox. He’s not made of flesh and bone (most probably) and we don’t know if he ever was. There is nothing for Alastor to feel attracted towards, not even his body (in the most literal way). We can also play with the idea that Vox is a sort of Ship of Theseus-type cyborg replacing parts of himself with machine one by one until there is none left as we do not know of any other demons in hell who are anywhere like him. So even if Alastor could feel that sort of way towards Vox, it is no more. And on the other side, if Vox was literally re-born as machine (maybe as ironic punishment for trying to be like one on earth like cutting off his emotions, etc) than that Alastor finds most desirable in a person was never there in Vox to begin with.

This parts a bit of stretch but even without the cannibalism Alastor thrives in watching people who are hopeful, souls who try and fail over and over again. Which maybe, as a machine, Vox originally wasn’t. Maybe at the start of their relationship he was calculating and unemotional which pairs well with Alastor’s own mask of detachment and indifference but also makes him completely uninteresting to Alastor as a subject of desire. But on the other hand Vox isn’t just machine, he’s a TV and his character reflects the media’s reactionary and emotional judgment. I just don’t know how Alastor ever worked with Vox if he’s always had the mindset we see in the show. But if that’s the case Alastor does feed on Vox’s desperation but never fully, never truly desiring him the consuming, power-play way that he feels most strongly (aka the want to eat him). I present you with both readings of Vox’s past emotional state as we do not as of now know what their relationship has been before

TLDR: Vox is the pinnacle of un-fuckable to Alastor, as even though he does not feel sexual desire the cannibalistic part of him can feel the psycho-sexual want to consume a body. Which he can’t with Vox who is machine.

I’d love to hear what other have to say about a machine loving a cannibal so please feel free to share your readings in the tags

[alewritesfics]

Shadows of us

Pairing: Modern!Anthony Bridgerton x fem!reader

Word count: 3.7k

Warning: unedited, mention of sex, idk what else

Masterlist

The first time you met Anthony Bridgerton was at a charity gala. The event was suffocating—an extravagant show of wealth and power where you felt like you didn’t belong. You’d only gone because your best friend insisted, claiming it would be a good place to make connections. You hadn’t expected that connection to be Anthony.

He found you lingering by the bar, drinking a glass of champagne and trying to avoid eye contact with the socialites surrounding you, when he approached.

“You don’t seem like you want to be here,” he said smoothly, his deep voice somehow managing to drown out the chatter around you.

You raised an eyebrow, offering a small smile. “Was it that obvious?”

He chuckled, the sound low and warm. “To someone who feels the same way? Yes.”

The conversation flowed effortlessly after that. Anthony was charming in a way that didn’t feel forced. He was intelligent, funny, and far too handsome for his own good, as well as witty, and surprisingly down-to-earth for someone with his reputation. God, you already sound like a lovesick woman. By the end of the night, he asked for your number, and you, despite your better judgment and the warning bells ringing in the back of your mind, telling you that it was too good to be true and he would only end up breaking your heart, you gave it to him.

You knew who he was, a powerful CEO from a family of wealth and influence that dated back to the 1900s, old money. Was there even a person on earth who didn’t know who Anthony Bridgerton was?

One of the youngest CEO’s to exist at only 29 years old, as well as the youngest person ever to inherit his family’s company when his father died when he was 18. He was also considered one of the most eligible bachelors, considering he was as handsome as he was rich, meaning, a lot.

And you’d be stupid to turn him down.

The first few months with Anthony were intoxicating. He was attentive, passionate, and impossibly romantic. He whisked you away to exclusive restaurants, sent you flowers for no reason, and made you feel like the only woman in the world.

(And the sex was amazing but nobody needed to know that.)

But there were also rules.

Anthony never took you to public places where you might be photographed. He avoided introducing you to his family. Seriously! You both even came across his mother and brother, Colin, on a trip to Paris, and acted like you were his new secretary and you just brushed it off, thinking he wanted the relationship to be private, not wanting his family to smother him with questions.

The soft hum of conversation and the clinking of glasses filled the elegant Parisian restaurant, creating a warm and intimate atmosphere. You and Anthony sat at a secluded table by the window, the Eiffel Tower shimmering in the distance. The city of love had never felt more fitting. 

Anthony reached across the table, his fingers brushing against yours. “I’ve always wanted to bring you here,” he said, his voice low and filled with affection. “Paris suits you.” 

You smiled, feeling your cheeks warm. “How so?” 

“Because it’s beautiful, enchanting, and impossible to forget,” he replied smoothly, his thumb tracing circles on the back of your hand.  “Just like you” he grinned

You laughed softly, shaking your head. “That’s a line if I’ve ever heard one.” 

“Maybe,” he admitted. “But that doesn’t make it any less true.” 

Moments like this made everything feel worth it—the stolen kisses, the late-night rendezvous, the quiet moments where it was just the two of you. In Paris, the world seemed to shrink, leaving only the two of you in your little bubble of happiness. 

The waiter arrived with your desserts, a delicate crème brûlée for you and a rich chocolate mousse for Anthony. You picked up your spoon, ready to dive in, when Anthony suddenly stiffened in his seat. 

“What’s wrong?” you asked, noticing the change in his demeanor. 

His eyes darted to the entrance of the restaurant, his grip tightening on the tablecloth. “It’s… my mother and Colin.” 

You froze, your spoon hovering over your dessert. “What?” 

“They just walked in,” he said, his voice low and tense. He leaned forward, his expression urgent. “Y/n, they can’t know about us.” 

Your stomach twisted uncomfortably. “Anthony—” 

“Please,” he interrupted, his voice almost pleading. “Not here. Not now. Just… follow my lead, okay?”  you nodded, thinking that he just still wanted to keep the relationship private.

Before you could respond, Anthony stood abruptly, pulling his chair closer to yours so you were sitting side by side. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders, leaning in as if he were pointing out something outside the window. 

You stiffened under his arm, your heart pounding in your chest. You hadn’t expected this. But as much as you hated it, you nodded, forcing a smile onto your face as if nothing was amiss. 

“Anthony!” Violet’s warm voice cut through the restaurant, and you turned to see her approaching with Colin in tow. She was radiant as always, her eyes lighting up when she spotted her eldest son. 

“Mother,” Anthony greeted her with a smile, though you could feel the tension radiating from him. “What a surprise. I didn’t know you and Colin would be stopping by Paris on your tour."

“It’s wonderful to see you,” she said, giving him a quick hug before turning her attention to you. “And who is this lovely young woman?” 

“This is Y/n,” Anthony said smoothly, his hand slipping from your shoulders to rest on the back of your chair. “A… friend of mine. We met through mutual acquaintances.” 

“A pleasure to meet you, Y/n,” Violet said warmly, extending her hand. 

“The pleasure is mine,” you replied, shaking her hand and forcing a polite smile. You’ve always dreamed of meeting your mother in law, dreaming of how sweet she would be. But now that you are, you just feel horrible.

Colin stepped forward, his boyish grin making you feel slightly at ease. “Anthony’s friends are usually dull business types, but you seem much more interesting.” 

“Colin,” Anthony warned, shooting his brother a sharp look. 

“What?” Colin said innocently, shrugging. “I’m just making an observation.” 

 Violet chuckled, patting Colin’s arm. “Oh, don’t mind him. He’s always been incorrigible.” She turned back to you with a curious smile. “So, Y/n, what brings you to Paris?” 

You hesitated, glancing at Anthony for guidance. 

“She’s here for work,” Anthony answered quickly, cutting in before you could speak. “We happened to cross paths and decided to catch up.” 

Your stomach sank at his words. Catch up? You weren’t just someone he was catching up with—you were supposed to be someone he loved. 

Violet nodded, seemingly satisfied with his explanation. “Well, it’s lovely to see Anthony with someone so charming. I do hope you’re enjoying Paris.” 

“I am,” you said, your smile feeling more forced by the second. 

After a few more pleasantries, Violet and Colin excused themselves, leaving you and Anthony alone once more. 

As soon as they were out of earshot, Anthony exhaled a shaky breath, leaning back in his chair. “That was close.” 

You stared at him, your chest tightening with a mix of anger and hurt. “Close? Is that all you have to say?” 

He frowned, his brow furrowing. “Y/n, what’s wrong?” 

“What’s wrong?” you repeated, your voice low and trembling with emotion. “I just had to pretend to be a random acquaintance in front of your mother and brother, and you’re asking me what’s wrong?” 

“Y/n, you know the situation,” he said, his tone defensive. “I can’t just tell them—” 

“Why not?” you interrupted, your voice rising slightly. “Why can’t you tell them? Why can’t you tell anyone? You said you wanted to keep it private but this is just excessive! Just tell me why.” 

“ It’s complicated,” he said, his tone firm. “You knew that when we started this.” 

You looked away, blinking back the tears threatening to form. “I didn’t know it would feel like this. Like I’m some dirty little secret you’re ashamed of.” 

“Y/n, that’s not fair,” he said, his voice softening. “You know I care about you.”

“Do you?” you asked, your voice cracking. “Because right now, it feels like I’m just a convenient distraction. Someone you're with just as a passing time.” 

Anthony reached for your hand, but you pulled it back, shaking your head. The atmosphere had shifted, the warmth of the evening replaced by an icy tension that left you questioning everything. 

The Eiffel Tower sparkled in the distance, but for the first time, it felt hollow—like a promise unfulfilled.

You later forgot that encounter, opting to ignore the signs, convincing yourself that he was just a very, very private man. But eventually, the truth came out.

It happened during a heated argument after you’d pressed him on why he was so secretive. Again.

“You want to know why?” he snapped, pacing the length of your small living room. His frustration was palpable, and it became harder and harder to hide the truth.

“Yes, Anthony! I deserve to know why you’re hiding me like some dirty little secret!” You exclaimed

He stopped pacing, running a hand through his hair before turning to face you. “Because I’m engaged.”

The words hit you like a physical blow. You stared at him, your mind struggling to process what he’d just said. “You’re… engaged?” you repeated, your voice barely above a whisper, your heart beating faster.

“It’s not what you think,” he said quickly, stepping closer. “It’s an arrangement—an expectation from our families. It’s not about love.”

You took a step back, shaking your head. “And you didn’t think to tell me this before?”

“I didn’t want to lose you,” he admitted, his voice breaking. “Y/n, you’re the only thing in my life that feels real.”

He approached you “I don’t love her, baby” he grabbed your hands, looking you in the eyes, desperate. “please, believe me”

You swallowed, before you nodded. He sighed in relief, pulling you into a tight hug, burying his face on your hair, breathing in deeply.

Despite your better judgment, you stayed. You told yourself it was temporary, that he’d leave her for you eventually. But as days turned into weeks and then turned into months, the reality of your situation became harder to ignore.

The heavy silence In Anthony’s bedroom pressed against your chest, suffocating in its intensity. You stood by the window, staring out at the sprawling estate before you. Anthony’s ancestral home was beautiful—timeless in its elegance, the kind of place you could see yourself calling home one day. But that dream, like so many others, was slipping further and further out of reach.

You turned to face him, your heart pounding as the words you’d been rehearsing all day threatened to spill out. Anthony was seated on the edge of the bed, his sleeves rolled up, his tie undone, exuding a kind of effortless charm that had once made you feel special. Now, it only hurt.

“How much longer will this go on for?” you asked, your voice quiet but firm.

Anthony looked up at you, his brow furrowed in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

You gestured toward the bedside table, where a photo of Kate Sharma sat in a delicate silver frame. It was a picture of her smiling, radiant and confident. The kind of woman who belonged in this world. The kind of woman Anthony was expected to marry.

You swallowed the lump in your throat and met his gaze. “End it with her.”

His eyes softened with something you could only describe as regret, but he didn’t move. He sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair. “Y/n… you know I can’t do that. It’s complicated.”

“Complicated?” you repeated, your voice rising despite your efforts to stay calm. “What’s so complicated about choosing the person you love? Or do you not love me?”

“You know I love you,” he said, standing up, his tone laced with frustration. “This isn’t about love. It’s about family, business—things that are bigger than you and me.”

“Bigger than us?” you echoed, taking a step closer to him. “Nothing should be bigger than us, Anthony. Not if you love me the way you say you do.”

He exhaled sharply, turning away from you. “It’s not that simple, Y/n.”

“It is that simple!” you snapped, the tears you’d been holding back finally spilling over. “You’re choosing her, Anthony. Every single day that you stay with her, you’re choosing her over me.”

He turned back to you, his expression pained. “I’m not choosing her. I’m trying to do what’s right for everyone.”

“What about what’s right for me?” you demanded, your voice breaking. “What about what’s right for you? Or are we just collateral damage in your quest to keep the company above everything else?” He didn’t respond, and the silence was deafening.

You took a shaky breath, your hands trembling as you wiped at your cheeks. “If you won’t leave her… then let me go.”

“No,” he said immediately, stepping closer to you. His voice was firm, almost panicked. “You’re not leaving me, Y/n. I can’t lose you.”

“You already have,” you whispered, your voice trembling with the weight of your words.

“Don’t say that,” he pleaded, reaching for your hands. “Don’t do this.”

You pulled away from him, shaking your head. “I won’t be your mistress, Anthony. I can’t keep pretending that this is enough when it’s killing me inside.”

“You know how the situation is, you’ve known since we started whatever we’re doing” Anthony stated, his eyes flickering between yours desperately, looking for a sign that you’re lying, that you don’t want to leave him “Ever since we I told you the truth, I can’t help but feel like you’re trying to find every reason possible to leave me…..Are you tired of me now? You don’t love me anymore?”

You shook your head as you sniffled “I love you Anthony. I am completely in love with you but I can’t keep on hurting myself anymore” you pulled your hands out of his, you swallowed the lump forming in your throat, your tears threatening to spill over. “I can’t do this anymore, Anthony. I love you. But I can’t, and I won’t, keep on waiting for you to love me back.”

“You want to know why I’m leaving?” you asked, your voice trembling. “It’s not because I don’t love you. God, Anthony, I love you so much it hurts. But I can’t keep breaking my own heart waiting for you to love me back the way I need you to -”

“I do!” Anthony cut you off “I do love you, I do need you. I need you more than anything”

“Then why won’t you leave her?” you cried. “Why didn’t you introduce me to your family when we ran into them in Paris? Why do you keep hiding me?” Anthony didn’t answer but his silence was louder than any words he could have spoken.

“It’s over, Anthony” you sniffled as you wiped your eyes “ I can’t bear to stand in the sidelines and watch as you form a family with her, as you love her-“

Anthony’s head snapped up, panic flashing in his eyes. “Y/n—”

You shook your head, stepping back from him. “It’s over, Anthony. I can’t keep doing this to myself.”

His hand shot out to grab yours, holding on tightly as if he could stop you from leaving. “Please, don’t do this. I’ll fix it. I’ll figure something out.”

“You had three years to figure it out,” you said, your voice steady despite the tears streaming down your face. “And you didn’t.”

Anthony stayed silent

After a few moments of agonizing silence, you pursued your lips before sighing. Without waiting for a response, you pressed a trembling kiss to his cheek and walked out of the room.

 

The weeks that followed were some of the hardest of your life. Anthony called you incessantly, leaving voicemails that you couldn’t bring yourself to listen to. He even showed up at your apartment once, but you refused to let him in.

You tried to move on, throwing yourself into work and spending time with friends. But nothing could fill the void he’d left behind.

For Anthony, life was equally unbearable. The engagement with Kate continued, but his heart wasn’t in it. He couldn’t stop thinking about you—your laugh, your smile, the way you’d looked at him with tears in your eyes that night.

It was a rainy afternoon when you saw him again. You were tucked into the corner of your favorite café, a steaming cup of tea in front of you and a book open in your lap. The sound of the door chime barely registered until someone approached your table. 

“Y/n.” 

Your head snapped up, and there he was. Anthony. Soaked from the rain, his suit clinging to his broad frame, his hair disheveled in a way you’d never seen before. He looked… desperate. 

“What are you doing here?” you asked, your voice sharper than you intended, you sat up, closing your book and crossing your arms, as if to protect yourself from the inevitable heartbreak you know he will bring again

“I had to see you,” he said, his voice rough. He sank into the chair across from you before you could tell him to leave. 

You stiffened, your hands gripping the edge of your book. “Anthony, You shouldn’t be here.”  You looked away, knowing that if you looked at him any longer, you would cave in.

“I ended it,” he blurted out, leaning forward, his dark eyes locking onto yours. 

Your stomach dropped, but you forced yourself to stay calm. “What?” 

“I ended the engagement,” he repeated, his voice firmer this time. “It’s over. Kate and I are done.” 

You blinked, your mind struggling to process his words. “Why?” 

“Because I couldn’t marry her,” he said, his tone filled with conviction. “Not when my heart belongs to you.” 

A bitter laugh escaped your lips. You shook your head, leaning back in your chair. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” 

“Y/n, I’m serious,” he said, his voice breaking slightly. “I’ve thought of nothing else since you left. I can’t—I won’t lose you again.” 

“You already lost me, Anthony,” you shot back, your voice colder than you felt. “You made your choice when you stayed with her for three years. You don’t get to come here now and think a few words will fix this.”

“I’ll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I mean it,” he said, desperation creeping into his tone. “I’ll beg if I have to.” 

You scoffed, looking away. “Begging won’t change what happened. Do you have any idea what you put me through? Do you know how many nights I stayed up wondering why I wasn’t enough for you? Why you always hid me from the world?” 

“You were always enough,” he said, his voice soft and raw. “You were more than enough, Y/n. I was the one who wasn’t enough. I was a coward.” 

You clenched your jaw, refusing to let the tears threatening to form fall. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to waltz in here, expecting me to forgive you just because you decided to grow a conscience.” 

“I don’t expect forgiveness,” he said, his voice trembling. “I just… I couldn’t let you think for one second that I didn’t love you. That I don’t love you.” You froze, his words cutting through your defenses like a knife. 

“I love you, Y/n,” he continued. “I’ve loved you from the moment I met you, I’ve loved you ever since I saw you in that beautiful navy blue dress at the gala. I’ve loved you ever since you told me your name. I’ve loved you ever since I first kissed you underneath the moon on that rainy night, and I will spend every day proving it to you if you’ll let me. Please, just give me a chance to make this right.” 

You looked away, your heart hammering in your chest. You wanted to believe him, to let yourself hope, but the memory of the pain he caused was too fresh. 

“Why now?” you asked, your voice barely above a whisper. “Why did it take losing me for you to finally do the right thing?” 

“Because I was an idiot,” he admitted, his hands gripping the edge of the table as if he were holding on for dear life. “I thought I could have both— I don’t mean that I’ve ever loved Kate, I just– I thought I could keep you without giving up everything else. Have you and evolve my company. But when you walked out that door, I realized nothing else mattered. Not the company, not my family’s expectations, nothing. None of it means anything without you.” 

Your breath hitched, but you forced yourself to stay firm. “Words aren’t enough, Anthony. You hurt me.” 

“I know,” he said, his voice cracking. “And I will never forgive myself for that. But I can’t let you go without trying. I’ll do whatever it takes to earn your trust again. Anything.” 

You stared at him, your walls cracking under the weight of his sincerity. For the first time, you saw the man beneath the polished exterior—the man who was terrified of losing you, who was willing to fight for you. 

“I don’t know if I can trust you again,” you said honestly, your voice trembling. 

“Then let me show you,” he said, leaning forward, his eyes glassy with unshed tears. “Please, Y/n. Let me prove to you that I’m worth the risk.” 

You hesitated, your heart and mind warring with each other. Finally, you let out a shaky breath. “This is your last chance, Anthony. If you hurt me again, I’m gone for good.” 

Relief washed over his face, and he reached across the table to take your hand. “I won’t hurt you again. I swear it.” 

You let him hold your hand, the warmth of his touch sending a jolt through you. Deep down, you wanted to believe him. Maybe, just maybe, this time would be different. 

 

[shisasan]

Picking a single favourite quote might be an impossible task so which quote (or quotes) do you seem to come back to more often than others?

Picking a single favorite quote might truly be an impossible task because there are so many brilliant writers out there whose words have deeply influenced my life. These extraordinary souls have breathed new life into me when I was ready to give up on everything. Without any particular order, these quotes are not intended to enlighten or educate anyone but offer a brief insight into the words I turn to for comfort, inspiration, or understanding when I'm not at my highest self.

I'll begin with my most dearest Hermann Hesse, whom I like to call my Alpha and Omega. He transformed my life from a young age, opening mysterious portals to other worlds and making me feel deeply understood, embraced, with a true sense of belonging. His writing not only awakened my mind to new realms of thought and emotion but also offered immense solace and companionship through his exploration of the human spirit:

"A wild longing for strong emotions and sensations seethes in me, a rage against this toneless, flat, normal, and sterile life."

"I have always thirsted for knowledge, I have always been full of questions."

"We have to stumble through so much dirt and humbug before we reach home. And we have no one to guide us. Our only guide is our homesickness."

Rainer Maria Rilke, a beautiful and tender infinite soul, whose writings deeply resonate with the complexities of the human condition and the relentless quest for understanding:

"I am dark, I am forest."

"I grow strong in the beauty you behold. And with the silence of stars, I enfold your cities made by time."

"Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."

Novalis, who occupies a cherished place in my heart for his poetic and deeply insightful exploration of life and love.

"We are eternal because we love each other."

"I often feel, and ever more deeply I realize, that fate and character are the same conception."

"Sometimes with the most intense pain a paralysis of sensibility occurs. The soul disintegrates—hence the deadly frost—the free power of the mind—the shattering, ceaseless wit of this kind of despair. There is no inclination for anything anymore—the person is alone, like a baleful power—as he has no connection with the rest of the world he consumes himself gradually—and in accordance with his own principle he is—misanthropic and misotheos."

Egon Schiele, whose intense and raw portrayal of human emotion and beauty has deeply moved me, revealing the unfiltered essence of the human experience.

"I must see new things and investigate them. I want to taste dark water and see crackling trees and wild winds. I want to gaze with astonishment at moldy garden fences, I want to experience them all, to hear young birch plantations and trembling leaves, to see light and sun, enjoy wet, green-blue valleys in the evening, sense goldfish glinting, see white clouds building up in the sky, to speak to flowers. I want to look intently at grasses and pink people, old venerable churches, to know what little cathedrals say, to run without stopping along curving meadowy slopes across vast plains, kiss the earth and smell soft warm marshland flowers. And then I shall shape things so beautifully: fields of colour…"

Anaïs Nin, a force of nature and embodiment of feminine strength, whose deep exploration of inner life and boundless creativity has left an indelible impression on me. Her work continues to inspire and challenge me to embrace the fullness of my inner world:

"She was colour, brilliance, strangeness."

"I have the power to multiply myself. I am not one woman."

"Ordinary life does not interest me. I seek only the high moments. I am in accord with the surrealists, searching for the marvelous."

"I can only connect deeply, or not at all."

Carl Gustav Jung, one of the most brilliant psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists, and empiricists in history. Jung's exploration of the collective unconscious and shadow self has offered me invaluable tools for self-awareness and personal development. His legacy continues to inspire and guide those seeking to understand the depths of the mind and the path to self-discovery.

"A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them. As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."

"People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own souls. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."

"The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are."

Fyodor Dostoyevsky, the maddening genius with profound understanding of human nature and morality:

"If you want to overcome the whole world, overcome yourself."

"People speak sometimes about the 'bestial' cruelty of man, but that is terribly unjust and offensive to beasts, no animal could ever be so cruel as a man, so artfully, so artistically cruel."

"People. People. Endless noise. And I am so tired. And I would like to sleep under trees; red ones, blue ones, swirling passionate ones."

"I exist. In thousands of agonies—I exist."

"If there is no God, everything is permitted."

Virginia Woolf, a literary giant whose deep introspection and exploration of the human condition have left an indelible mark:

"No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself."

"What is the meaning of life? That was all—a simple question; one that tended to close in on one with years. The great revelation had never come. The great revelation perhaps never did come. Instead, there were little daily miracles, illuminations, matches struck unexpectedly in the dark; here was one."

"I want to raise up the magic world all around me and live strongly and quietly there."

"Reality? Reality has never been enough for me."

Mikhail Bulgakov, a masterful writer and playwright, another troubled soul who faced censorship and persecution in his lifetime, with immense talent and a deep soul, fascinated me with his imaginary worlds that blend reality with fantastical elements, feeling both familiar and boundlessly expansive:

"But would you kindly ponder this question: What would your good do if evil didn't exist, and what would the earth look like if all the shadows disappeared? After all, shadows are cast by things and people. Here is the shadow of my sword. But shadows also come from trees and living beings. Do you want to strip the earth of all trees and living things just because of your fantasy of enjoying naked light?"

"Kindness. The only possible method when dealing with a living creature. You'll get nowhere with an animal if you use terror, no matter what its level of development may be. That I have maintained, do maintain and always will maintain. People who think you can use terror are quite wrong. No, no, terror is useless, whatever its colour – white, red or even brown! Terror completely paralyses the nervous system."

"Everything passes away - suffering, pain, blood, hunger, pestilence. The sword will pass away too, but the stars will remain when the shadows of our presence and our deeds have vanished from the Earth. There is no man who does not know that. Why, then, will we not turn our eyes toward the stars? Why?"

"There are no evil people in the world, only unhappiness disguised as evil."

And then there is indispensable Franz Kafka. Although I have shifted away from his writing in recent years and no longer resonate with it as much, he was a dear friend and frequent company during my darkest, loneliest, and most challenging times. His work, full of raw honesty and insight, offered a kind of companionship that felt both intimate and enduring:

"The way he can risk everything and risks nothing, because there is nothing but truth in him already, a truth that even in the face of the contradictory impressions of the moment will justify itself as such when the crucial time arrives. The calm self-possession. The slow pace that neglects nothing. The immediate readiness, when it is needed, not sooner, for long in advance he sees everything that is coming."

"I, for the most part silent, had nothing to say; among such people the war doesn’t call forth in me the slightest opinion worth expressing."

"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." Of course, there are many more authors who deserve to be on this list, but I chose these because they have touched my life in ways that are both unique and deeply personal. I hope that at least some of you will read to the end and find a bit of inspiration and insight in these quotes, just as they have given me. If you’ve made it this far, thank you. 🌹

[amorphousbl0b]

Arcane does a fun thing with its narrative Darkest Hour.

Or: yet another post about how insanely smart this show is and how absolutely genius its writers are (and how jealous of them I am).

For the uninitiated, the Darkest Hour is the moment just before the climax in which the heroes are at their lowest point. When the Avengers are scattered and Loki opens the portal in NYC, when the Falcon has escaped the Death Star but lost Obi-Wan, when the Fire Nation is set to annihilate the Earth Kingdom, when Frodo fails to destroy the Ring at the Crack of Doom. The heroes must confront their flaws and change for the better for a happy ending.

Arcane’s darkest hour is, of course, in Act 3. One might place it at the very end of episode 9, and that’s certainly where the story is at its most hopeless. But I’d contend it starts as early as the end of episode 8 and carries on through the entirety of episode 9.

After all, that’s when Caitlyn and Vi have separated, lost all hope, and Cait is kidnapped by Jinx. Jinx’s mind is fully gone and throughout the episode everything falls apart around her. Silco is losing control of his chembarons and may well have lost his daughter, the thing most precious to him, and is only barely keeping his powerful façade in line. Zaun has realized how ridiculously outmatched they are in a war with Piltover and the revolutionary cause has become almost impossible. Viktor has manslaughtered his assistant and may never be cured. Jayce has manslaughtered a child and finally realizes how quickly he’s losing his morals. Mel and her mother are fully separating and she is struggling with her warlike destiny. Sevika gets the absolute snot beat out of her and limps to an empty office without a boss.

So yeah. Lot of personal Darkest Hours going on.

“But what’s the interesting thing?” I hear you ask in my ear. I don’t know why I hear you. Shut up. I’m writing. Are you even real?

Excuse me.

Arcane’s interesting twist on the Darkest Hour lies in part of the trope that I didn’t mention. That’s in the villain.

Most stories with a clear-cut villain have a plot structure something like this:

Whether things are going well for one side is inversely proportional to the other. During the Darkest Hour, when the hero is at their weakest, the villain is at their most dominant.

Wait… isn’t Silco the villain of Arcane? Not to be too blunt, but he’s having a shit time. Things are falling apart for him just as badly as for everyone else.

That's the trick. Caitlyn and Vi are suffering. Jinx is suffering. Silco is suffering. Jayce is suffering. Viktor is suffering. Zaun as a whole is suffering. There is only one party in the whole story that isn't suffering, that actually is benefitting from this horrid state of affairs...

EKKO AND HEIMERDINGER

Kidding. They're not really a part of this dance. A big part of Arcane's theming is that acting to help people without an agenda is simply more virtuous than fighting for any invariably-flawed nation that innately perpetuates the cycle of violence.

No, the side that is doing fine is the other that is conspicuously absent from my two prior lists. While the characters that make up its leadership are experiencing personal Darkest Hours, the organization itself is essentially on top of the world, having just scored a huge victory and getting set to bring the war to an end before it even begins. I mentioned how poor the situation for the Undercity looks, but not its counterpart.

Piltover.

Wasn't it so that Piltover started this whole mess? Didn't their oppression cause the revolt that orphaned Vi and Powder's parents? Isn't it their actions that drive Silco to ever greater extremes? Isn't it their normalized political backstabbing that causes Jayce to sacrifice his principles because that's the only way to get ahead? Isn't it their corrupt police force that lets Silco operate his drug empire with impunity?

Silco might look the part. He might be the most personally evil character, might be the one who causes the most misery for our main protagonists Vi and Powder.

But structurally, the shining city of Piltover, its political machine, and its Enforcers are the actual villains of Arcane.

[carionto]

The Equality Games

Once every now and then, the Galactic Coalition's Cultural Exchange department holds a large digital competitive event.

Anyone can participate, and to level the playing field, contestants aren't the ones who actually compete, but instead an advanced deep brain scan (or equivalent body part) and an unbiased AI create a digital avatar that represents the individual and autonomously acts within the digital space.

The cognitive capacity of each is analyzed to a near perfect level and a highly complicated algorithm that, honestly, nobody understands, even the AI that built it, then creates this avatar with traits and weaknesses based on an even more incomprehensible set of criteria and internal points system.

To put it simply - the scan identifies nearly every calculable aspect of a person and assigns a point value for each, then uses those points to "buy" the most relevant and appropriate traits from within its list to give the avatar. There are changing costs, negative value "flaws", and prerequisites based on other information from the scan, but basically it is the most convoluted TTRPG character creation ruleset ever devised.

Given the enormous complexity and diversity that individuals from across thousands of races exhibit, until this system was invented, it was thought impossible to have a sort of intergalactic Olympic Games. There were many attempts over the eons, of course, but one factor or another always made it so that someone did not accept the results.

The Equality Games, however, earned respect and acceptance as a valid alternative once the underlying system was demonstrated and people started to play with it. The avatars were made to act autonomously due to how some species had a distinct advantage when manipulating a digital interface, thus bringing up the old arguments yet again.

One curious result of the AI algorithm avatar generator is that it quite frequently created multiple avatars for each person, only the more hive-mind-like species tended to be represented by a singular avatar within the Games. It is theorized, again because nobody can understand how it really works, that most intelligent beings have multiple "personas" i.e. distinct behavior and personalities in certain common situations, primarily a "public" and "private" persona.

In fact, it is most common for everyone to generate about a three to five avatar "team" that represents the one individual. In comparison, if an ant were to get scanned and put in the games, its avatar would be a single incredibly powerful avatar with many deficiencies, but an overwhelming advantage in several disciplines.

When Humans first entered the Games, as expected, they too had teams as avatars. What was not expected, was that these avatars would sometimes work alone instead of together as a team, deliberately not help one another, and even engage in infighting and the sabotage of another "self".

The Humans suggested that it is perhaps because hypocrisy is not uncommon among them. Self destructive tendencies also appear rather frequently. These Humans almost always are themselves surprised by how contradictory their avatar team composition ends up being.

While the Games themselves happened as normal, the Humans overall placed in the top 20% brackets of most competitive challenges, and scattered roughly evenly everywhere else, they then approached us with a most unusual request.

"Give us a copy of this AI algorithm scanner thing. We think this is the most revolutionary therapy and psychological diagnosis device we've come across."

Of course we obliged and helped set up centers in a number of stations and on Earth itself.

Last we heard, some Humans have avatars that are singular nigh-nightmarish monstrosities, while a very tiny fraction have minds so splintered that their avatars are teams of dozens, one time even over a hundred distinct versions of themselves. Then there are even some seemingly regular Humans who broke the scanner - it gave the error: "Only one individual can be scanned at a time."

Upon "fixing" it with a hack, the results for those were unheard of. Two distinct avatars. Not a team of two, but by all accounts, the AI algorithm identified two separate individuals within one mind, each with very little in common with the other. Sometimes there was nothing in common, even their digital visual representation.

The mind is incredibly complex and hard to comprehend. The Human mind, while biologically quite peculiar but not outside the realms of understood evolution, neurologically it seems to hold near limitless diversity, both complimentary, contradictory, and beyond.

[navree]

You keep saying refusing to vote for Biden on moral grounds because of Palestine is ineffective because Trump would be worse, but that really isn't the point. Largely (with the exception of a few extremists and a contingency of people who wouldn't have voted anyways) the philosophy of a movement that has people withhold their vote is to force a significant policy change that wouldn't have changed otherwise. Its a form of protest. I understand from your perspective, election-focused and pragmatic, it is a threat to whoever is running, but if Biden had wanted the votes being withheld he would have capitulated.

Not that this isn't a moot point since he's out, but whatever.

See, this is intensely fucking dumb.

"force a significant policy change" it would not. One, because Biden is the president of the United States, and Israel is not one of those states. Short of sending the CIA to, idk, assassinate Netanyahu in his bed, which most of these people would be against I think because of how much they bitch and moan about US foreign policy at any given opportunity, he cannot actually make an independent foreign power do what he wants and what is electorally convenient for him. Like, I'm very sure Biden would love it if Netanyahu and his partisans stopped acting like fucking freaks for five minutes, if only so that it would stop being a PR nightmare for him. But that's not happening, because he cannot control what Netanyahu does. He could vastly reduce the support the US is providing Israel, and in my view he should, but that's not going to stop what Netanyahu and the Israeli government is doing. Because, I hate to break it to you, but the reason they're carpetbombing Gaza is because they want to be carpetbombing Gaza, and even without US aid they will continue to do it, even it just means with older and less effective weapons. Ultimately, the change that leads to a ceasefire and an end to the war is going to come from the actual parties involved, not Joe Biden.

Two, you've already gotten the significant policy change. Biden has, on multiple occasions now, come out in favor a ceasefire. He has actively been working, along with the Qatari government, to try and broker some kind of peace agreement between Israel and Hamas, but those two keep on fucking it up because they're both run by bloodthirsty psychopaths who don't care one iota about the people they're meant to be governing and only on killing whoever they want. That's been open fact for months now. And it has meant fuckall. The people doing their moral purity about how they'd never vote for Biden were still doing it, just moving the goalposts on what they wanted. First it was ceasefire, then it was 'no ceasefire until [insert impossible demand here] is given', because moving goalposts is what these people do. It's the same mentality as people who saw that Biden was doing COVID stimulus, or cancelling student loans, or reclassifying marijuana, and decided that the issue now was that he wasn't doing enough of it. It's a movement that's been consistently comprised of dogs that caught the car, and are angry that they caught the car because now they can't complain, and they don't want to actually affect meaningful change, they just want to complain because that's easier. And if that's what these people have been doing for his entire presidency, why on Earth would any reasonable person suddenly believe it's different on this one specific issue?

Three, cool you're protesting, then what? Your protest is utterly unserious and completely meaningless if it's not going to have any tangible effects, so what's the next step? You've decided to make your moral purity stance an issue that the vast majority of you learned from infographics on Instagram rather than listening to the voices involved (which is why the red triangle brigade is still a thing on Twitter), so what happens now? No political party is ever going to capitulate entirely to it, because the constituency is just too small (that "uncommitted" gambit was only getting like 10% of the vote wherever it was happening, Biden won over it as a literal write-in candidate in at least one state), so other than the compromise that's already happening, the goalpost movers are gonna withhold their votes because blah blah blah my morals. And their next step is, what? Trump gets elected. And their movement, which has no thought or serious effort put behind it or any actual attempt to provide material aid to the people actually suffering, has helped put a man who is going to be far worse for it in power. The "significant policy change" is going to be that Trump gives Netanyahu whatever he wants and he proceeds to wipe Gaza off the map. The "significant policy change" is that President "Trump Heights" actively makes things worse for the people this protest is supposed to help, as a consequence of that very protest.

It's not about me only being concerned with being "election focused" or some cold hearted bitch. It's about me, as a person who thinks what Israel has been doing since the start is godawful and deeply horrendous, realizing that this entire "protest" is not only asinine but will result in deeply negative consequences and very real harm for the people this protest is purported to be for, and being sickened by that. I live in the real world, and in the real world action speaks far louder than intent. I don't have to acknowledge that the protest wants this or that outcome or what the hypothetical impossible asks that are never going to be answered are, because I understand that they will not matter. What matters is what you get out of your protest, what gains are received, how that protest actually affects change, not the change it gives wishy washy lip service to.

[danwhobrowses]

I'm not sure how much good this vent will do, I'm not even sure I want to post this vent after my last one, but I'm writing it just so it's out of my head and into words because it seems once again fandom has chosen to send vitriol Ashton Greymoore's way.

What for? They talked to a 'specter' of the primordial titan within them, through their connection to the earth, the natural flow of creation and destruction. They ask what will happen to the world, it responds that it'll endure, they ask what of the people, it responds that the strong will survive and the weak will be remade into something stronger, to which Ashton replies they think they understand. To fandom this means that Ashton is becoming a fascist, that they have a 'Make Exandria Great Again' attitude for wanting the Primordials back, that they need to be beaten up or 'get what's coming to them' in order to change their mind, and I can only sit here and stew and wonder if this hate is really well-founded? Ashton is among my favourite characters in C3, I get frustrated by them at times too but if I think about it a big percentage of my frustrations is more towards people disliking them than me disliking things they do, or Matt setting up scenarios that doesn't do them any favours towards the fandom that hates them. Some of these are knee-jerk reactions of course, but for others it does feel like they have it out for Ashton, and I don't wanna engage with that, which makes it quite lonely when most of the fandom hones in on it.

For the most part I can understand how the whole 'the weak will be remade' bit can be taken badly; it's definitely iffy, but every other plan we have is also very iffy. The Release Predathos option literally involves unleashing an entity that wants to genocide the gods, the Maintain Status Quo option ('option' the status quo imo is impossible, in my mind the Gods can stay but the dynamic will still have to change) maintains a relationship where the gods pick and choose who they feel deserves help, using their power to covet more power, strongarm and demand loyalty, and overall choose fellow gods over mortals when the chips are down and not owning up to it. We should also remember that entities can speak in riddles, 'remade into something stronger' doesn't necessarily mean death; it could mean to adapt and grow, to become strong enough to bear and overcome it as many of the PCs of Critical Role have done with their hardships and trauma. It's worth reminding that the sad truth is that people will die whatever outcome happens - the aim is always to lessen the amount but if the Gods leave it's a power vacuum, if we linger too long it's a Calamity, and if the Gods stay it's a holy war on a more wild and less organized scale - and that Ashton isn't saying they approve of such death, merely that they think they understand. The commune doesn't tell Ashton which way to go; it only tells them that the world will endure, there will be change and it will change people, trees will still grow, the wind will still blow, the waves will still flow along the coasts of the sea, and people will survive. I know the interpretation can differ from people thanks to Matt's patented vague or riddle-mounted choices in phrase, but I also think if it was the Wildmother who told Orym or some other follower that 'nature is a cycle, everything must adapt to change or else it'll die - this world will change, but it will also survive' nobody would be calling Orym a fascist, people would accept it because the Wildmother's domain is nature, and nature is not always kind.

While we're mentioning Orym - and because this is gonna come off as critical I must preface that I like and enjoy All of the Hells, that's not changed - I also gotta call it out here because it does very much feel like the people who hate Ashton hate them for the reasons they love Orym. Both are stubborn, they're diligent in their personal code, they care deeply for their friends and would give their whole being just to keep them safe, they believe in the Hells' power and greatness more than each member does and more than they believe in their own, but Ashton gets the hate mainly because these fans agree more with Orym on the god stuff. What confuses me though is how these same haters can despise Ashton for being consistent but love Braius, the literal Devil Worshipper who secretly is on board with the Chase Away plan only so he can help the Devil rule the world, the compulsive liar. Where's Braius' scrutiny? A world under Asmodeus will be a far worse 'survival of the fittest' scenario, why does Braius get a pass in all this stuff huh? Because he's funny? Seems people ignore the whole morality talk when they're discussing Braius' dedication to Exandrian Satan.

I find it irksome too that even the group seem to criticize Ashton reaching out to Primordials too - as if that wasn't what we wanted them and Fearne to do anyway. They don't dislike the gods simply because they're a 'great entity', it's because they're a great entity that holds power and doesn't use it equally or fairly; they pick and choose who to help, a lot of the time in Ashton's experience for their own self-service, but they won't prioritize mortals over another god no matter who cruel or heinous the god is being, and the following of these gods are so intertwined with politics that most religious motivation also ends up being political. Ashton has no connection to the gods, they reached out and got nothing, an Angel looked at them and made them feel like nothing, but they do have a connection to the Primordials; from the Earth Golem to the Titan Empress they're literally a vessel of, they experienced something significant in their connection to the Earth, so I don't like how that they're almost mocked for having it. In addition, Ashton's behaviour during this commune differs because of that connection, but also because the titans are a natural flow; they don't demand or test or politic or prejudice, and despite being a Great Entity in its own right it never made sure Ashton felt small for their own satisfaction, they asked a question and got an answer, it's the same reason Ashton has disdain for most political leaders but likes and respects Keyleth, Allura, Kima, Pike, and (eventually) Percy despite also being people in power. To call on Orym and the Wildmother as an example again; Orym's an Air Ashari, the Ashari are guardians of the Elemental Planes - made from the Primordials - not tied to a god, but nobody criticizes his connection to the Wildmother despite both not being a follower and his culture being more tethered to Primordials and their descendants. I'm not saying it's all correct for Ashton to want things to go back to how Primordials ruled, but we must remind ourselves also that we only know a story written by victors when it comes to the Schism - a story which could very easily have been altered and edited to make it feel more justified for the Primes and mortals to actively genocide all the Primordials, the native species and creators of this world, and desecrate their remains to make weapons, soul anchors, and cities - the specter didn't say 'fuck em, all mortals should die' after all, if they believe mortals would survive then they must be at the least tolerant of mortal existence. Why is it okay for god followers to say they wanna keep the world with the gods they have a connection to (and I'm not saying they aren't) but Ashton is out of line for wanting to have a world which has something active that they also have a connection to? It seems rather unfair to allow one side to have and the other to have not, picking and choosing because our audience's bias has spent more time with the gods, Ashton wanting something they can connect to doesn't feel all wrong either, the Eidolons still exist with faint worship hiding away so they're not smited by the gods, why can't faith exist so they're not in hiding? I sincerely doubt the Punk Rock that is Ashton is asking for the Primordials to fill the Gods' roles the same way the Gods have been running things either, they want to break the throne remember? There needs to be a balance in ideals and practice of course, and in an ideal world there could even be a more fluid and all-inclusive Exandria where gods and Eidolons live harmoniously with mortals without hierarchy and class systems, I think Ashton could happily live with something like that, they did say the world needs 'a little chaos' to call back to Matt hinting that the current world doesn't have enough.

Which leads us to those wishing violence upon Ashton - and I really don't like that. People who say 'hitting them over the head is the only language they understand' seem to misinterpret Ashton as if everyone around them have been on their hands and knees begging Ashton to reconsider and them ignoring valid points and pulling a Leroy Jenkins. In reality, nobody is actually talking to Ashton about it, a lot of the frustration with Bells Hells right now is that they aren't talking to each other, even about the end goal! Ashton has valid reasons for their thinking, so being violent isn't gonna change their mind; undermining, dehumanizing and trying to effectively bully anyone let alone someone with chronic pain and low self worth will never truly convince them to your way of thinking. All people understand the language of violence, but that language is not used justly, those who truly wish violence upon Ashton don't want it in hopes it'll force Ashton to change their mind, they want it for their own satisfaction of seeing them in pain; so they can further push them away from the rest of the group and go 'that guy's not one of us', make it so the people Ashton calls family after a lifetime of loneliness, confusion and abandonment - the people they promised they won't abandon, and have kept true on that promise even at their lowest - make them feel small and worthless, and force them into box where they can't be themselves, and I hate that people would want to treat them that way. Ashton IS capable of listening; they've stepped back and trusted the other Hells to do their own thing even when it's ridiculous like staging a play where they pretend to be Ludinus to trick Unseelie emissaries into thinking that he attacked them, they listened to the gods even when they didn't have to like they promised they would and despite it being very personal they held themselves back for the benefit of the group, and if the group talked to them calmly where they were all allowed to healthily discuss the pros and cons, the ideals and compromises, and the risk and reward of all plans that have been proposed then they would listen, and they would try - you don't need to slice bread with a broadsword.

Will Ashton 'get what's coming to them'? Maybe, but what is that exactly? We only assume to know the full vision of what Ashton wants to act on. All of Bells Hells are gonna face the consequences of the choice they make on Ruidus - when they finally make one that is - in and out of the world they live in, so won't that apply to everyone? So what for Ashton? do people want Fractures 2.0? Does everything Ashton wants in life have to blow up violently in their face? Family, Closure, their best friend's safety, why does 'what's coming to them' have to be something aggressive and harmful? People change through positive reinforcement and good experiences too! Caduceus Clay would remind you that it's love that makes people. Don't mistake this rant as me wanting Ashton to be exactly as they are now, I too want to see growth from Ashton and we ARE seeing it happen; I see it in small instances where they think twice about rash actions and try not to fly off the handle, when they sit just to listen or understand or to defuse tension, and that when they're going somewhere or doing something they let the group know in advance, those who think Ashton hasn't changed since ep. 1 aren't paying close attention, but that doesn't mean that they don't still have more ground to cover. I believe that Ashton grows the most through kindness; when they're treated like a person and not a blunt instrument or a nuisance, and I hope what's 'coming' for Ashton isn't rejection, bitterness, and isolation, but acceptance, empathy, and for someone - if you know me you'd know who I'd want it to be - to convince them that they are worthy of living, that they're special not because of their powers or blood or because they have died and been put back together again (honestly, it does irk me a little that both Keyleth and Imogen chose that for titles and to brag to the Matron, I know it isn't intended this way but sometimes it feels like saying 'your best defining quality is that you've died a lot') but because while they have every reason to hate everything they still chose to be kind to those who deserve kindness, they have a good heart and they mean well. Are they perfect? No! They're in their 20s very few people irl have their lives together at even twice that age, but I want them to have good things in their life; things that help them feel happy and safe and like they can still feel comfortable in their own skin without having to appear more 'palatable' for people who've already decided that they don't like them. I want them to know that they've always deserved to live and they still deserve it now, I want that not just for Ashton but for all the Hells, and hopefully they'll all live to have it.

And most of all I want the people who hate them to be wrong about Ashton Greymoore, and I want Taliesin to prove them wrong.

[thetempleofthemasaigoddess]

The princess' guard (part 1)

Elrond x body-guard!single mother!reader

A headcanon fic. Minor Gil-GaladxOC. This is part one of two.

*****

🩵 Imagine being a Silvan Elf, protector and good friend of princess Finwiel, daughter of King Oropher and younger sister of crown prince Thranduil. You and the princess have grown up together, and each of you considers the other the sister you never had. You have dedicated your immortal life to protect her from any danger she might encounter, and are ready to give your life for her if so needed.

🩵 The only person you love as much as you love Finwiel is your son, Baranir, who you had as a nubile mother. You and your lover had planned to wed before your child’s birth for his sake, since most Elves find unmarried couples becoming parents unacceptable and the disapproval often extends to the children themselves, but sadly he, a member of Oropher’s Kingsguard, died in battle only a month before you were due. You cried all your tears and mourned him, promising in your heart you would tell Baranir what a wonderful, loving and protective father he would have been, and that even though you had known you were not meant to be together, you would always remember him, and be grateful for the invaluable gift he gave you. 

🩵 This is your life; a naturally protective Elf, proficient in the use of both sword and bow but more used to remaining in the shadows and striking without the enemy knowing you are there than to fighting in the open, you divide your time between your princess and dear friend and your son, making sure they are both safe and, in Baranir’s case, raised with love and care. You doubt you’ll ever get married, both because as a nubile mother many Elves would find you unsuitable as a bride, and because you have never felt the right sort of affection for anyone, and you don’t mind: you are satisfied with your life, taking care of and being loved in return by the two Elves you are closest to in all of Middle Earth, and will happily spend the rest of eternity without a husband by your side. 

🩵 Or so you think.

🩵 One day, an unexpected event comes to disrupt the peace of your daily life: an upset Finwiel tells you her father is planning to marry her to King Gil-Galad of Lindon, with the aim of building a solid alliance between the two realms. Unlike you, the princess does plan on getting married, one day, and on raising a family, and while she knows her duty towards her kingdom and people, the last thing she wants is to be handed over to an Elf she has never even met before, with no regard for her personal feelings or desires, as if she were a horse or a chest full of gold to pay a debt. Gil-Galad is known as powerful and wise King, but very little is known in the Greenwood about his character, since Oropher himself has mainly had an epistolary relationship with his peer and has only met him twice: what if he’s cruel, abusive, the sort of Elf who only considers a wife a mean to an end, to give an heir to his realm and who needs not to be involved in the government of the kingdom? What if he’s simply, like you, the sort of Elf who is content on his own and would only marry her for political reasons, decent enough to treat his bride well and even to ensure she’s content with her new life in Lindon, but unwilling or unable to share his mind and his heart with her, to love, or even just to value, her as she deserves?

🩵 That is a fate you’re determined to avoid. Finwiel is a kind-hearted but clever and wilful Elf, capable of holding her own against even the most obstinate interlocutors and to stand up for what she believes in, but the last thing you, and her brother, want is to see her forced to spend the rest of her eternal life by the side of a husband who will ignore and leave her alone in the best of cases, and outrightly abuse her in the worst. After all, a royal marriage is all but impossible to rescind, at least once it has been consummated, and Finwiel would have no friends at the court of Lindon to support her and defend her interests, apart from you, who are determined to remain by her side once she is wed. You are sure -... almost sure- her father would take her back if she decided to run away and return home, but what would become of her then, a divorced princess with no dowry and made unsuitable as a bride? 

🩵 “I do not like this; we have to find a way to prevent this wedding, at least until we have a better idea of the sort of Elf Gil-Galad is. I will not give my sister’s hand in marriage to a husband who does not deserve her, whatever the price might be.” Thranduil tells you, his expression sombre, the night the three of you have gathered in Finwiel’s quarters to discuss your plan, like a trio of conspirators; he knows breaking a marriage pact that has already been signed could mean exacerbating the already tenuous relations between Lindon and the Greenwood, if not open war, which is something he obviously wants to avoid, but the prince is the only person who loves his sister as much as you do, and her happiness, or at least her safety and well-being, comes before any other interest “If only we had someone trustworthy in Lindon, someone who knew the King and could tell us what sort of Elf he really is, to make sure Finwiel will at least be safe in his court…”

🩵 “I will go.” you decide on impulse, whereupon both prince and princess look at you, flabbergasted. “What?!” “It’s the best course of action for us. I’ll move to Lindon, pretend I’m a wandering soldier looking for a post, and find a way to enlist in the King’s army. You both know there is no one more capable than I am to move in the shadows, waiting for the right moment to pass unnoticed as I do my business in the shadows.” you point out, more sure about your plan the longer you describe it “I can use these same gifts to spy around, and gather information about the King, and then report to the two of you. Your highness, you know no one has at heart the interest of your sister more than I do; if I find out Gil-Galad is cruel, violent, or for any other reason unworthy of her, I will inform you, and then you will decide what to do.”

🩵 Thranduil approves of your plan; Finwiel doesn’t, well aware of the risks it entails. What if you are discovered, and captured? What if Gil-Galad decides to consider you a spy, even though you never meant to do harm to either him or his people? What if he believes Oropher sent you to keep him under surveillance, for some ill intent? He could decide to declare war on the Greenwood, with the terrible consequences for your realm both of you can easily imagine, and even put you to death, which is the very last thing your friend wants. “Whatever danger I may encounter, it is not worth your life, (name); remain here, and you will come with me to Lindon when it is time. Whatever danger or source of unhappiness Gil-Galad may represent, I do not fear him, and with you by my side I know there is no obstacle I cannot overcome.” she tells you with the determination her father so often disapproves of and you admire, like you admire it in her brother, because being raised in the house of Oropher doesn’t encourage one to learn to think with one’s own head, especially in the case of a princess “I will do my duty as a princess, and I will show Gil-Galad that if we cannot at least be friends, I will not allow him to disrespect me in my own court.”

🩵 Your friend is determined not to let you risk your freedom, and even your life, for her sake, but thank Eru you have her brother on your side, and in the end you and Thranduil convince Finwiel to support your plan. You formally ask the King to be allowed to leave the court for a while, vaguely mentioning some family issue you need to take care of as the matter, and you are given permission to depart. The next day, having personally chosen three of the palace guards as new protectors for the princess, to watch over her while you’re away, you pack a small bag, embrace your friend good-bye, and tell Baranir to be brave, because you’re leaving for an adventure.

🩵 The two of you reach the borders of the Greenwood on horseback, your child safely strapped against your chest, and then join a caravan headed to Lindon. You cover the last stretch of your journey on foot, and despite the importance of your mission and the knowledge of the danger you may encounter should the real reason for your presence in the kingdom be discovered, you feel well, with the open sky above your head, the soft soil under your feet, and a gentle breeze caressing your hair and naked skin. Being the princess’ escort, you have lived the greater part of the last centuries at court, never leaving the Greenwood’s borders; you hadn’t realised how much you had missed travelling, sleeping in a tent under the stars and waking up to a different landscape every day, and you are happy your child can share that experience with you. At dusk, when you rest together after a long day of travelling, you sit with Baranir, bathing and playing with him; your child is almost old enough to start talking and walking, and every moment you spend together fills your heart with joy and love.

🩵 On a cold but clear afternoon, you finally get in sight of Lindon’s palace; the travellers you have crossed paths with were few and far between, and most of them paid no attention to you, until a chestnut horse comes to flank you, his rider offering a polite greeting. “Hello. Are you going to the citadel?” “I am. Is this not the way?” “It is, but at this pace you will not reach it before the end of the day, and a woman with a child alone should not sleep in the open by herself, no matter how safe this kingdom is. Would you allow me to accompany the two of you to your destination? My horse can easily carry all three.”

🩵 Your first impulse is to -gently- refuse, thanking the stranger for his concern, but when you tell him that both you and your son are used to sleep in the open, he points out that the cloudy sky above your heads suggests an approaching thunderstorm, and he doubts the tent he can see hanging from your pack will protect you from the pouring rain. “I know you have no reason to trust me, since we have never met, but I promise I mean you no harm. My name is Elrond, I am the King’s herald.”

🩵 It’s your first conversation with a Lindon Elf, and you have already found a person close to the King! Eru seems to be smiling at you, you think with satisfaction as, almost instinctively, you find yourself returning the smile your new acquaintance -Elrond- is offering you; he’s very handsome, you have to admit, and he actually seems to be well-intentioned as he offers you and your child his help. “Forgive my suspiciousness; I tend to be distrustful when my child’s safety is at stake.” you explain “But I will be very grateful for your assistance, my lord.”

🩵 Elrond insists that there is no need for titles; you introduce yourself, and a moment later you’re riding on the back of his horse, trotting gracefully along the path. “Do you have family at the citadel? Maybe… your husband?” Elrond asks after a while. “I do not, unfortunately; and I have never been married, since my lover died in battle before he could meet his child.” you explain sadly, the pain of loss still heavy on your heart a full year after Baranir’s father died, and you can see Elrond blush with embarrassment. “(name), I… I am so sorry. Forgive me, I did not mean to… I should not have asked…”

🩵 “It is alright; you could not know.” you reassure him. You are pretty sure Elrond simply meant to make conversation, as it is normal for two people who have just met, and he seems genuinely sorry for his involuntary lack of tact; what’s more, his expression betrays no disapproval over your status as a nubile mother, which you can’t help but appreciate “I have no friends or family in this kingdom; I am looking for a fresh start, since most Elves in my old village did not approve of my being a mother but not a wife.” You tell him of your desire to find work, ideally as a member of the citadel guard, and Elrond, who is acquainted with the corps’ captain, promises to introduce you. “That is very kind; thank you.” you say, sincerely touched. “Do not thank me; everyone deserves a fresh start, and if you are worthy of being part of our citadel guard, It will be better for all of us.”

🩵 You keep making small talk, unexpectedly at ease with each other despite your brief acquaintance, until you reach the citadel, which is as great and splendid as you had heard; Finwiel would enjoy living here, you think as you discreetly look all around you. Having entrusted his horse to a groom, Elrond accompanies you to the barracks, to introduce you to the captain of the guard; they accept to put you to the test, tomorrow morning since the hour is late, and to house you and Baranir at the barracks for the night, since you have nowhere else to go and as Elrond had predicted, heavy rain has started falling on the citadel.

🩵 You thank Elrond profusely for his help, promising you won’t forget it, and he assures you he was glad he could be of assistance. “Good luck for tomorrow; I am sure you will do splendidly.” he adds; Baranir, who seems to have already taken a liking to your new acquaintance, waves his arms towards Elrond, who in turns takes the child’s tiny hand in his one to shake it gently. “Glad to have met you, young master Baranir. Please let your mother sleep tonight, she needs rest.” You share a smile, and a moment later Elrond has taken his leave. That night, as you lie on your newly-assigned cot with your baby peacefully sleeping on your chest, the soft breathing of the guards surrounding you in the pitch dark dormitory, you think back to Elrond, an Elf who offered you his help when nothing obliged him to, out of simple and pure concern for your, and your child’s, well-being. Given his position at court, you could find a way to be introduced to the King through him, but it’s not just that: he was kind, sincerely kind, even after learning of your status as a nubile mother, which is more than you can say for many Elves of the Greenwood, and which does him credit. 

🩵 You didn’t come to Lindon on vacation, nor you plan to remain there for more than a few weeks, or longer than it takes you to accomplish your mission; nevertheless, you think as you finally start to succumb to sleep, you really hope you can get to know Elrond better, and who knows, in case Finwiel does move to the kingdom to wed the King, and you with her, the two of you might even become friends… 

🩵 Your admission test takes place on the next morning, when the captain asks you to spar with two of their guards in the still damp courtyard outside the barracks. It’s been a long time since you were part of your kingdom’s guards corps, which you left after being chosen as the princess’ new protector, but in the meantime you have regularly sparred with the Prince, the mightiest warriors of the kingdom and one of the best in all Elvendom, and you’re proud to say you have at least not lost your edge, not to mention your swordsmanship style is different from the one the Lindon guards are used to. Once the captain is satisfied with your performance, you have a brief interview, during which you tell them you come from another kingdom you know Lindon is in peace but not closely allied with, so that your claims can’t be easily disproved, and then you’re finally offered a spot among the citadel’s guards, which you gratefully, and with great relief, accept.

🩵 You meet Elrond a few hours later, at the end of your first patrol duty; he has heard you were accepted in the corps, and came to congratulate you. He first of all asks about your child, who you have brought to the court’s nursery, where, you were told, the children of the guards and other workers of the court are taken care of while their parents are busy. “I knew you could do it. I hope you will be happy living here, (name); has the King sent for you already?” he asks, and you, who had suddenly noticed how bright his smile is, and how lovely he looks in his cerulean cape and tunic, blink, taken aback. “W-what? Why should he…?” You panic, for a moment convinced your ruse has already been discovered, and that Gil-Galad wants to question you regarding the reason for your presence in Lindon, but Elrond is quick to reassure you. The King, he explains, wants to meet every new member of both the citadel’s guards or his personal troop, convinced as he is that any commander should know the soldiers under his charge, and any sovereign the Elves tasked with his protection and defence. “You have nothing to worry about; it is going to be a very simple interview, he will ask your name and little more, but Gil-Galad can be… intimidating for those who have never met him before. I am sure you would have been fine anyway, but I thought I better warn you.”

🩵 A meeting with the King, no matter how brief and formal, is exactly what you needed, and you make sure to thank Elrond, who once again went out of his way to support you, even though he’s probably busier than many in the citadel with his own affairs. You wish each other a good day and part, neither noticing how the other’s gaze lingers on you as you walk in opposite directions.

🩵 The audience Elrond had forewarned you about takes place that very day, as soon as you have completed your chores for the day; a servant accompanies you to the throne room, and soon you find yourself face to face -only for a moment, before you rush to bow as low as you can- with the High King Gil-Galad, princess Finwiel’s future husband. Your first impression is positive: the King is a very handsome Elf, tall and broad-shouldered, the features of his fair face both elegant and masculine, his hair an ebony black waterfall that reaches down to his waist. He asks about you, and the perspective of having an Elf hailing from a distant kingdom, not to mention a nubile mother, doesn’t seem to bother him; after a brief interview, you are dismissed, free to go retrieve your child from the nursery, and spend a few precious minutes playing with him and reflecting on the events of the day. 

🩵 And so, your life as the newest member of Lindon’s citadel guard begins, an existence quite different from the one you were used to but to which you adapt fairly quickly. Your duties occupy the better part of your day; you do your best to prove yourself to your new comrades, and while some of them treat you with cold courtesy, if not outright hostility, because of your status as a foreigner, others offer you the hand of friendship and help you to acclimate. Baranir, you’re happy to notice, doesn’t seem to be affected by the change of scenery, even though he’s probably old enough to notice you have come to live in a different place, away from the other children he was used to play with, and from the princess, who he considered almost a second mother. The ladies who run the citadel’s nursery seem capable and affectionate, even though the matron openly sneers at you when you tell her -in response to her question, but openly and truthfully, since it’s a matter you never thought you had reason to feel shame about- that no, your husband can’t look after your child because he’s busy with his own trade, you simply never had one. Baranir looks well-cared for, clean and fed, and in a good mood when you go pick him up at the end of your work day, and this is what matters the most. 

🩵 Settling down in a place and a life different from those one has known all their life is not always easy, but you haven’t forgotten your mission, and the need to learn as much as you can about the court of Lindon and its king. Sadly you have no more reason, or occasion, to meet Gil-Galad after your first interview, but you start lingering in the kitchens at the end of your patrol shifts and whenever you have a few hours to yourself and, as you hold Baranir -whose adorable little face and friendly disposition easily win the affection of whoever meets him, which in turn makes it easier for you to get acquainted with them; you should perhaps feel guilty, using your child for your own purposes, but it’s not like he’s in danger or mistreated in any way! Quite the contrary, Baranir is probably the most pampered child in the citadel- to feed or play with him, you try making friends with the servants of the court, who often know more about their masters than they suspect. Apart from the occasional complain about his fastidiousness regarding his food and wardrobe, Gil-Galad has the respect and even the love of his personnel; he’s known as a strict but not cruel master, and his valet, whose confidence you are able to earn offering him a few rounds at the tavern while his wife plays with your baby, assures you he can even be forgiving, in the case of an honest mistake and sincere apology, which is more than you can say for King Oropher, who is known for dismissing servants who have served him a different quality of Dorwinion from the one he had ordered at dinner, or who had pulled his hair as they brushed it.   

🩵 Even more interestingly, you soon learn the King has been alone for most of the long centuries of his reign. Many are the ladies who compete for his favour, not to mention the remote chance to wear his ring and share his throne, but the King, while courteous and occasionally even affable in social situations, seems mostly uninterested in the fairer sex, and doesn’t seem to feel the need for a lover, whatever their gender, by his side. He is not known for having had any romantic relationship, either personal or formal, since his accession to the throne. His duties as a King leave him very little time to devote to personal interests, be it a hunt in the woods surrounding the citadel, a ride with his prized horse or the company of a lover, but whether that state of celibacy is due to simple lack of time and energy, or of interest towards the many ladies, and lords, who would be thrilled to receive the King’s attention, his valet admits he has no idea, since Gil-Galad is not the sort of master who discusses his personal matters with his servants, whether because he is interested in their opinion or simply prefers to think out loud. Who knows, perhaps he had his heart broken by someone long ago, and was never able, or willing, to love again…

🩵 His soldiers have an equally positive opinion on the King, who is the sort of general who commands his troops from the front line rather than from the back, which is something you can’t help but appreciate, being a guard yourself. At night, once your baby is safely tucked in his little cot near your bed in the barracks, you slip unseen through the court’s corridors and halls, listening to conversations and observing the lords and ladies of Lindon go about their business, seal trade agreement and marriage pacts, exchange swords over some perceived offence, or gossip about the recent rumour of the engagement between the King and the princess of the Greenwood. You don’t like snooping around, rather you can’t help feeling guilty about spying and sticking your nose into the business of Elves who, for the most part, welcomed you and your child among them and who in any case are entitled to their privacy. But there is only so much you can learn about the court of Lindon hearing it directly from the people involved, and nothing in the whole of Arda apart from your child is more important for you than Finwiel’s safety. She wouldn’t be the first consort killed not long after the wedding because her new subjects would have rather seen someone else on the throne, and you’d be willing to give your life to defend her: your honour is a heavy but comparatively little price to pay to know your princess will be happy, or at least safe, in her new home, should she actually marry Gil-Galad.

🩵 Fortunately you don’t catch wind of anything more interesting, or upsetting, than an upcoming rising of the price of silver, which will surely be cause of worry for the citadel’s jewelsmiths and traders, and gossips about two of the courtiers, both married, who have been caught in an highly compromising position in a storage room. While you’re careful not to lower your guard, the relatively positive results of your investigation leave you in a good enough disposition to enjoy the company of the friends you have made since your arrival in Lindon… Elrond first among them.

🩵 You never thought you’d see him again, and often and long enough to give the two of you the chance to get to know each other, but you were wrong, and what a happy mistake it was! You know King Oropher’s herald and his speechwriter both, and neither would lower themselves to spend time with a lowly guard, but Elrond is different - in truth he is unlike any other Elf you have ever met, and you have to admit you are almost immediately taken with him, perhaps since your very first meeting, when he saw a woman with a child walking alone and decided he had the duty to help and protect them, and you can’t help but appreciate his kindness, intelligence and wit. You can only imagine how busy he is, but he always seems to find a moment to come and talk to you, those meetings brief at first, as if Elrond feared bothering you and then, as he realised you are always happy to see him, lasting longer and longer. 

🩵 You could spend hours just talking, sharing a cup of tea or a late dinner in the kitchens after you returned from a patrol shift and Elrond finally completed his many duties for the day. Elrond is a constant source of interesting tales, the sort of person who can both enchant his interlocutor with his narration and listen intently as if he had never heard anything so captivating. You have known each other for a relatively short time when he tells you about his family, a more delicate and tragic tale than it is for most Elves, given the loss of both his parents and his brother, who chose the mortal life of Men and consequently died long ago. Rather than the resentment and bitterness you would probably feel in his place, Elrond is able to think back fondly to both Elros and his parents, remember the happy moments they spent together without letting the pain of their loss influence and forbid him from being happy again; his quiet, resilient strength of character is something you can’t help admiring, and being fascinated by.

🩵 In turn, you tell him about your lover. Mindful of his previous blunder, Elrond clearly avoids asking about Baranir’s origins, but you feel comfortable discussing that delicate matter with him, more than you’ve ever been with anyone apart from Finwiel. Already aware he’s going to listen without judging or reproaching you, you tell him of how you cared for your child’s father but were not in love with him, and of how you don’t regret having been intimate with him, no matter how your own family and so many others shunned you after your pregnancy became visible and you found yourself raising your child as a nubile mother after your lover’s death. Elrond doesn’t blame you for your life choices, both because he feels he has no right to and because he sincerely believes you have done nothing wrong; he admires the effort you put in raising Baranir, how you dedicate your little free time to him and never complain when he is fussy or keeps you awake for his crying. He is unsure when you offer him to hold your son, fearing Baranir could slip from his grasp and fall, but the child, who has clearly taken a shine to your friend, happily snuggles against his chest, either resting his tiny head on Elrond’s shoulder or playing with his hair. Your child is an excellent judge of character, and seeing Elrond play with him, or just lulling Baranir to sleep to give you a moment of respite, fills your heart with warmth. 

🩵 Elrond looks nothing like your former lover, nor physically nor temperamentally, but as you see your friend and your child together, at ease with each other as if they were kin, or even father and son, you can’t help wishing things were different, that Baranir had an adar who would raise and play with him. You wonder if Elrond, who confessed he had never had any experience with children before he was introduced to yours, plans on having one of his own one day; if so, that little Elf will be the luckiest in Middle Earth, and even though Elrond told you he’s not courting anyone at the moment, the person he will give his heart to will be exceptionally blessed as well. The hours you spend by his side are the happiest of your days, and the simple prospect of meeting him, even if just for a cup of tea in his quarters or a brief walk in the gardens after dinner, is enough to put you in good spirits.

🩵 Feeling more than a bit guilty even though you don’t mean any harm, you take advantage of your familiarity with Elrond to ask him about the King, who your friend is closer to than most Elves at court, one evening you’re enjoying the quiet of the gardens with Baranir sleeping in your arms. Elrond is at first willing to indulge you, but after a while he looks at you, his smile suddenly not reaching his eyes. “Why are you asking me about the King? Are you… in love with him, perhaps?” he asks, his tone only apparently humorous, and you remain silent for a moment, suddenly ill at ease as you regret your curiosity. “No, I… I am just curious; I am a newcomer in this kingdom, and I simply wanted to know more about the Elf I have sworn fealty to, just as he requested to meet me after I had joined the guards corps.” you awkwardly try to explain. Fortunately, Elrond seems to believe your lie; you see his tense posture relax and a sigh, you could swear of relief, escape his lips, but he avoids your gaze for a moment more. “Forgive me; that was puerile of me, and anyone in your place would be curious about their new sovereign.” he murmurs in the end, and he feels wistful, even… saddened, for a reason you can’t begin to understand.

🩵 “Elrond, if I said something to… upset you…” “You did not; you did nothing wrong, (name), and I… I should go, I have so many duties to attend to.” And with this Elrond stands, gently brushes his fingers against Baranir’s hair, bows his head towards you and walks away, leaving you alone, unsure, and feeling vaguely guilty for some reason you can’t quite understand. Have your questions made Elrond suspect you have harmful intentions towards the King, which is the most disastrous outcome you can imagine, given the fact he is one of the Elves closest to Gil-Galad and his suspicions could be enough to have you thrown in jail if not worse? You don’t think so; but then, why was he so upset? Did you say or do something to sadden or anger him? But how? You would readily apologise, if you only knew what you did wrong!

🩵 You keep mulling over the matter for a while, until an accident occurs. You’ve recently completed a training session with a few other guards, mostly those you are less acquainted with, and as you walk back to the barracks, you hear them make disparaging comments towards Elrond. “He’s not even a real Elf, I don’t know why the King has such a good opinion of him!” “Exactly! He’s no better than a common Man, I am sure he got his role by the side of the King offering favours, you know well what I mean…” 

🩵 The worst thing for an Elf in your position would be to cause disruption and to be involved in a scuffle, with the potential consequences of both alienating potential informants and of attracting attention to themselves, but you don’t hesitate before turning and ordering Elrond’s detractors to hold their tongue, or... “Or what? You will make us?” “I will; and I will tell the King what you said about him and his herald, I’m sure he will be pleased…” The other guards try to ensure your silence, not apologising and asking for it, which might have helped their cause, but threatening you, which certainly doesn’t; they end up assaulting you, three against one, and while you defend yourself valiantly and land a few punches of your own, you’re soon overwhelmed. You drag yourself to the infirmary, collapsing on the threshold before the attendants have the time to come grab you. 

🩵 When you wake up you’re lying on a cot in the infirmary, with Elrond sitting by your side, Baranir on his lap. “Good morning; or maybe I should say good evening, given the hour.” he greets you, his smile betraying the worry and guilt in his eyes “How are you feeling?” You feel like what you are, that is, the victim of a beatdown, with a few bruises and localised pains that have not had the time to heal yet, but you feel better as soon as Elrond offers you your child, who happily greets you with a kiss on the cheek. “The nurses were willing to keep him for the night, but I thought you would want to see him as soon as you awoke, I hope you do not mind if they left him in my care.” You assure him you don’t, since there is no one in the whole of Lindon you would more readily entrust your child to, and Baranir has clearly taken a shine to Elrond. “Thank you for taking care of him.” you tell him, and Elrond smiles before biting his lip, suddenly unsure.

🩵 “The guards who hit you confessed, and… they also said why; (name), I am so sorry, I never wanted you to get hurt because of me…” “Well, I am not sorry; I… do not want to go into detail, but those three deserved to be punished for what they said about you; no one can talk ill of a person I care for, in my presence, and not suffer the consequences.” you tell him firmly “Elrond… is this a common occurrence? You should tell someone; the King should be informed.” Your friend shakes his head, his fair face a picture of ruefulness and resignation you would give your life to see disappear. “I imagine those guards were making fun of me because of my Half-Elf origins, and saying I am unworthy of living among Elves and of having a role at court; I am used to it, (name), and I do not intend to go complain like a child whose older sibling is mistreating them. It would solve nothing… but I am thankful for your intervention; you did not have to.” You tell him that again, you don’t regret what you did, and are ready to do it again should the need present itself; you don’t mind getting hurt to defend what you believe in, especially since, Elrond tells you, the captain has had your assailants punished, but not you since you had the right to defend yourself. 

🩵 You share a smile; Elrond takes your hand to help you rise from the bed, and holds it a moment longer than he needs to. You don’t talk, but whatever problem or tension existed between you is resolved, your friendship peaceful and solid once more, and for that reason, you reflect as you accompany Elrond -and Baranir, held safely in your arms- to the kitchens for a late dinner, you’d be willing allow every member of the citadel guard to punch you in the face.

🩵 Time passes. Your and Finwiel exchange letters, yours addressed to another name and using a coded language in case they are intercepted and read before the carrier bird reaches the Greenwood, and before you realise you have been in Lindon for two months; you meet Elrond almost every day, and spend as much time as you can snooping around to make sure the kingdom will be a suitable home for your princess. One evening, the captain hands out the patrol duties for the following week, and you see that you’ve been granted a full free day, a rare treat for a guard. You plan on spending it with your child, who you have seen less than you wished to recently given how busy you were, maybe even take advantage of the time at your disposal to cut his hair -for the first time in his life!- or sew him a new shirt, but Elrond proposes the two of you go for a ride together, staying out for a few hours and even bringing some food to eat during your outing, and you’re immediately enthusiastic. You know Baranir’s needs should come before anything else, but you can leave him at the nursery like you do every time you need to go on patrol or to train with the other guards, and after two months you have spent focused on your mission and on your duties as a soldier you do feel the need for some time for yourself, leaving the safe but restricting borders of the citadel and enjoying your friend’s company without the anxiety of having to be somewhere else, to do something else, soon.

🩵 You depart in the morning, soon after you have promised Baranir you’ll be back soon, and entrusted him to the nursery’s matron, who is clearly unhappy to have to take him in her arms, but you pay her no mind. Elrond is clearly happy you have accepted his invitation, and has asked the cooks to prepare your favourite foods to take with you in a basket. You spend a lovely day together, riding, having lunch sitting on the grass in a small clearing, and then even swimming in a small lake you have found having made a detour from the itinerary Elrond had planned. Finally, you rest lying on the grass, the sun’s warmth drying your bodies, and neither feels the need to speak, not even to say how well you feel, or how happy you are to be together; a shared look is enough for both to understand you feel the same. 

🩵 You close your eyes, dozing off as you wonder whether it would be too forward to ask Elrond to repeat the experience the next time you have a day to yourself, and then a moment later you're fully awake again, and the sun is no longer the only thing warming you. Moving silently to close the brief space between you, Elrond has approached and is now holding you in his arms, his hands resting on your hips, his face so close to your own you can almost share your breath. “Is this alright?” Elrond asks quietly, marginally releasing his embrace to make it clear he doesn't mean to make you uncomfortable; you smile as you cautiously turn, finding the perfect position to rest your cheek against his shoulder and return his embrace, feeling Elrond’s firm and warm body in your arms. You had never noticed how good he smelled, and how bright his eyes really are…

🩵 “This is perfect.” you murmur; you hadn't expected anything like this, especially since you have known each other only for a few short weeks and no one better than you knows the risks of entering into a courtship, or becoming intimate with a partner, before one is sure of their feelings. But Elrond… Elrond is different, he is special, and the feeling of being so close to him, sharing your warmth with his in the chaste, pure intimacy of your embrace, heals wounds you didn’t know you were still carrying, and opens your eyes to a possibility you had started losing hope still existed in your future. While you could wage your life Elrond’s intentions are pure, you may discover you want different things, and the fact he gets along with Baranir doesn’t automatically mean he’s willing to be the father of a child he didn’t help conceive, not to mention that should the marriage pact between the princess and the King fail, you’re duty-bound to return to the Greenwood, to keep watching over Finwiel. Also, even the kindest, most patient suitor could resent the fact that you have been lying to everyone you met, including him, since your arrival, regarding your purposes and reasons for travelling to Lindon…

🩵 “I am very glad I met you.” you murmur after a while, and Elrond smiles before kissing your brow. “Shall we remain like this for a while?” “I’d really like that.”

🩵 In the end you do share your first, sweet kiss before starting on the way home. You have just reached your horses, who have been grazing peacefully nearby while the two of you cuddled, oblivious to the rest of the world, and Elrond has offered you his hands to help you mount - which you are perfectly capable of doing on your own, but his genuine desire to help you, the instinct to be of service devoid of condescension or hope for a reward, is something you haven’t experienced often before, and it fills your heart with a tenderness you can’t help but express, resting your hand on the back of Elrond’s head… drawing closer… and finally resting your lips on his. It’s brief, relatively innocent, but intense enough to make both of you tremble, and to test your self-control to the point you need to force yourself to break the kiss and take a step back. 

🩵 “I'm sorry.” you murmur, well aware of how furiously you are blushing, and Elrond simply smiles in return, shakes his head, and offers you his hand once more to help you mount your horse. You take your time riding back to the citadel, and once the imposing profile of the palace stands out against the horizon, shrouded in the encroaching darkness, you sigh to yourself, disappointed that your and Elrond's time together has come to an end even though you have spent the better part of your day with him. “May I come with you to take Baranir from the nursery?” your friend asks, and you happily accept, glad that he and your child have also become fond of each other. You reach the nursery, walking close enough your hands brush against each other, and you expect to find the matron, or a couple of the nurses, taking care of the children…

🩵 But they aren’t; the spacious room is completely empty and dark, empty save for Baranir, who is crying inconsolably in a tiny pen, naked save for his nappy, the stench making it clear he hasn’t been changed in hours. “What is happening? Where is everyone?” you ask as you take your child in your arms, horrified as you realise that he hasn’t been fed, and that given the red mark on his cheek, he’s probably been slapped as well “Why in Manwë’s name was my son left here alone and uncared for?!” Elrond has no idea, obviously, but offers to go search for the nurses while you take of Baranir; you nod mutely, grateful for the help but unable to focus on anything that is not the crying, hungry child in your arms.

🩵 You quickly change your baby’s diaper, dispose of the dirty one, and prepare a meal with the supplies you find in the nursery’s tiny kitchen. “It’s alright, my love; your nana is here now, and no one will hurt you anymore.” you try to comfort him, holding him close to your chest, and finally Baranir’s heartbreaking sobbing calms down. Beyond the slap his soft cheek must have received -by whom? You don’t know, but as soon as you find out the Elf responsible will ruin the day they were begotten, and not even the whole Lindon army will stop you from tearing them to shreds!- he’s fortunately unscathed, but you don’t even want to think about what could have happened if he had remained alone through the night, not on a comfortable bed but in that tiny pen without even a pillow or a blanket. Where in Mordor are the nurses?!

🩵 Your child, clean and fed and reassured, has finally fallen asleep when Elrond returns, dark in the face, accompanied by one of the kitchen maids who, your friend explains, has offered to stay with Baranir while you’re away. “She has four children of her own; she has promised to guard him well.” Elrond explains, while the maid, who you know as a decent, kind individual, nods “(name), you should come; we have found the matron.”

🩵 You meet the Elf responsible for the safety of your son, and of so many other children of the citadel, in the kitchen, where the captain of the guards has summoned her from her room. Backed into a corner, forced to either confess or spend the next months in the citadel jails, the matron confesses she had deliberately left poor little Baranir alone, out of spite for you, your condition of nubile mother and, today specifically, your decision of entrusting your child to the nursery even though, she had been informed, you had a free day. Since today there were, unusually, no other children to be cared for at the nursery, and she and the others would have been free to go home if it weren’t for him, the matron had decided Baranir deserved to pay for his mother’s sins; she was convinced you would not come pick him up before tomorrow morning, and that therefore she had all the time to make sure her misdeeds would not be discovered. So she dismissed her assistants, promising she would remain with the child, and then left him alone. She also confesses, defiant as if she actually considered herself innocent of any guilt, of the many times she had deliberately postponed or failed to take care of your son when he needed her, feeding or changing or simply comforting him when he got scared or woke up from a nightmare, and even that -the most terrible thing of all- that slap whose signs you had noticed on Baranir’s cheek was not the first your poor baby had endured ever since he was admitted to the nursery. 

🩵 You have known anger, rage, and even fury in your life, but nothing compares to the feeling of burning hate and desire for revenge -not to mention guilt- that has filled your fëa as you listened to the sins of the Elf-woman in front of you; you are furious to the point you wish you could kill her with a look, and since you can’t, you quickly act. “You bitch!” you scream, a word you had never uttered in your centuries-long life, and you pounce on her, punch her in the face with all your strength, and keep hitting her once you have thrown her to the floor while the matron, who obviously has no way to react, tries desperately to defend herself “You could have killed him! You did not dare confront me, and you picked on a defenceless child? You monster! I am going to kill you!” 

🩵 The captain, parent of three children, observes the scene without intervening, while Elrond struggles to separate you and your victim. He begs you to stop, because while he understands your anger, private violence is not the proper way to seek justice. “I do not care!” you scream “And I would not even if the King threw her to prison for the rest of eternity! I am going to kill her, she deserves it…!” In the end other Elves intervene to separate the two of you; the matron, still defiant despite her bruised face -and given the way she breathes, you might have broken one of her ribs or two- is led away, first to the healers and then to her room, to remain there until her punishment will be decided. “You better go back to your child, (name); you are excused from your duties for tomorrow morning, since I am sure the King will ask for you.” he captain says, and you nod brusquely before setting out towards the nursery. Elrond follows you, but he remains silent until you have taken back your child and dismissed the maid, with your thanks. 

🩵 “(name), I am sorry.” he murmurs, his lovely dark eyes full of pain and guilt “It is all my fault; if I had not insisted we spent the day together, Baranir would be…” You assure him he has no fault, since he couldn’t have known, and sadly the abuse had been going on longer than a single day, even though your child’s sunny disposition and good health had hidden it. “I need to go now.” you murmur. Baranir is safe in your arms, fast asleep, but you can’t forget what he must have gone through, and what could have happened had you, by complete accident, not noticed what was happening; perhaps you never will “Forgive me, Elrond, but… I need some time with him.” Your friend nods. “Will I see you tomorrow?” he asks tentatively, as if actually fearing a negative answer, and the sight breaks your heart. “Of course; I really enjoyed our day together, whatever happened after.” you reassure him “And I would like to do it again; now I have to focus on my child, but I do not regret accepting your offer, and you really have no fault.” Reassured, Elrond bids you goodnight, and chastely kisses your cheek before departing.

🩵 You’re able to resist until you’ve reached the barracks, and then your self-control crumbles. Silent tears fall down your cheek as you prepare your sleeping child for the night and then put him not in his cot but in yours, so as to watch over him like you haven’t done until now. “Forgive me, my little darling… your nana loves you so much, and she is so sorry she could not protect you…” you murmur, kissing his brow and soft cheek, and you feel unworthy even of that, like an Elf who has committed a heinous crime would consider themselves undeserving of sailing to Valinor. Your child is safe now, yes, alive and not seriously hurt, but who can say what lasting damage this terrible experience may have had on his still fragile mind? Two months of abuse… you really wish Elrond had let you punish the matron as she deserves, but in your heart you know the real culprit for what happened, the one who should be blamed, is you.

🩵 How could you not see it? This is the question you keep asking yourself as you take your boots and tunic off, lay down next to Baranir and cover you both with a blanket. You spend most of your time free from your duties with him, and all your acquaintances, including other parents and even those who disapprove of your state as a nubile parent, have always considered you a doting mother, devoted to her child; during your pregnancy, you even asked a friend of yours, a nurse, for permission to accompany her during her rounds in order to better learn to care for your child and to know what to do in case they got hurt or fell sick. But then why didn’t you realise your son was being mistreated? You’ve never noticed bruises or other signs on his little body when you bathed or changed him, and never woke up because he was crying from a nightmare. Is Baranir so brave and resilient, at his tender age, to withstand all the mistreatments he was subjected to without betraying any distress? Granted, your child can’t yet speak beyond nana and puppy -he likes dogs, your little darling- so it’s not like he attempted to tell you what was happening to him and you ignored him for whatever reason, but you are his mother! You have taken care of him, practically alone, since the moment he came out of your body and you would gladly give your life for him if need be. Shouldn’t you have felt it, somehow? Perceived, in the same way a warrior realises danger approaches unseen, that something was not right? 

🩵 Maybe you should have, but you didn’t, and this is what you’ll never forgive yourself for. Baranir is a happy child, usually cheerful, but maybe he did show signs of his distress, signs you failed to catch because you were too occupied with something else. After all, you’ve spent the last two months twice as busy as you normally are, caught between your duties as a guard and your secret mission, and that left you so little time for yourself. Can it be that, too occupied as you were with other matters, you ended up neglecting your son? You couldn’t avoid going on patrol and spending hours on the training grounds -or could you? Was presenting yourself as a soldier looking for a post really the best option to explain your presence in Lindon, or could you have concocted another plan that left you more time to yourself, and for your duties as a mother?- but you have to admit, work is not all you have devoted your time to since you’ve arrived in the kingdom…

🩵 There’s Elrond, who almost without realising you have come to meet almost every day, and not rarely without your child as a chaperon. Now those were hours, and a full day today!, that you could, and should, have spent focusing on Baranir, rather than on a friend. How could you be so dumb - no, worse, so selfish as to neglect a creature so fragile and tiny, who had literally no one else to care for him in the whole kingdom, to spend hours walking in the gardens, or sharing a drink in the kitchens? Today was your first day of freedom in two months, and did you devote a part of it to Baranir, playing with him and teaching him to walk and speak? No! You went out with your friend, leaving your poor baby in the clutches of an Elf who would not look out of place as Melkor’s lieutenant! What could have happened if after your kiss, you and Elrond had decided to spend the night together? A child of Baranir’s age still needs to be watched over at night; left for so many hours alone in that tiny pen, there is no way to know what could have happened…

🩵 The fault is yours and all yours. The matron failed her duties tremendously, there is no doubt about that, but at the same time, you had perceived she disliked you because of your being unmarried; how could you not at least suspect she would not pay Baranir the same attention as the other children, the attention he so needed? Has this happened back in your home in the Greenwood as well? Did any of the nurses who routinely took care of your son while you were busy protecting the princess neglect your son because they disapproved of you, and wanted him to pay the price? Maybe your first mistake was bringing Baranir with you in Lindon; you thought the best place for him was with you, and that leaving him behind for a period of weeks or months would have been unbearable for you and harmful for him, but the princess had proposed to take of him personally in your absence, and since no one loves your child as much as Finwiel does apart for you, you are certain he would have been safe, looked after, and raised lovingly. You took your child away from his home, from his friends, to then neglect him in favour of a new friend. How could you be so cruel? You don’t deserve motherhood; you don’t deserve anything. 

[the-monkey-ruler]

i've been seeing so many comments about the possibility of wukong (after rebirth) and/or many yaoguais/mortals going to war to overthrow the heavenly palace and seize the emperor after the events in black myth: wukong. is that possible to happen? i've read something in your posts about how despite their actions, the heavenly palace/jade emperor is needed to balance the three realms? if that is so, how is overthrowing going to solve any problems? like i get the unfairness of the treatment of yaoguais but ngl, going to war felt like an even worse solution. idk im not knowledgeable of the rules.

i've been seeing so many comments about the possibility of wukong (after rebirth) and/or many yaoguais/mortals going to war to overthrow the heavenly palace and seize the emperor after the events in black myth: wukong. is that possible to happen?

Think of it like this.

There needs to be a Jade Emporer in charge of heaven without a doubt. I've seen some adaptions have it that if he does fall then the world goes through a small apocalypse but isn't unsavable or unliveable. Personally, I think that the world is more likely to fall into an unliveable state, with no weather regulations, ghosts could leave hell and haunt earth, there would be nothing separating the three realms and honestly, humans would be taking the full brunt of the impact. With at least someone in charge of most of the large phenomenons on the planet I do think that would make earth, the underworld, and heaven into a mess of chaos where maybe ghosts and immortals could survive but humans would be nearly wiped out.

That being said while there needs to be a Jade Emperor for sure but that doesn't always have to be the same guy. I believe the original plan was something like Sun Wukong was going to overthrow Heaven and then take over as the Jade Emperor. I've seen this taken in the Lotus Lantern series in a 'what if' dream if Wukong 'won' the fight in heaven and now HE was in charge. One thing that you have to understand that Black Myth Wukong is taking GREAT LIBERTIES with is that Wukong is fighting for yao rights when in the original novel Wukong was fighting for himself. I have to give credit to the detail that Black Myth put into the game but it HEAVILY changed the lore of the story and can almost be an alternative universe within itself with how heaven functions in relation to earth.

Like there are cultivated creatures in heaven, even in the game we see many heavenly beasts that still keep their cultivated form in heaven and are treated as works/disciples/coworkers. The Zodiac animals have humanoid forms. The Plum Brothers, originally Yao in FSYY are Erlang's sworn brothers. Black Wind King and Red Boy are Guanyin's disciples. Yellow Wind Demon is an OFFICAL disciple rather than being a lil mongoose thing that just run away pet. If anything in Black Myth it just shows how maybe Yaos are in heaven. Sure it frames it as them being oppressed but I truly don't think this reflects the original story.

In the original book, Wukong wasn't trying to overthrow heaven in order to overthrow an oppressive regime against yao, but because he broke the laws, ran away, and knew that war was inevitable. He wasn't looking to dismantle an oppressive system, he was going to become the new head of the system and rule it in a way that only benefited himself.

WUKONG IN THE BOOK IS THE BAD GUY.

We love him, we adore him, but HE IS THE BAD GUY.

You can argue that maybe the Jade Emporer wasn't using Wukong to his full ability with how powerful he is, sure, absolutely, but also he had TWO FORMAL COMPLAINTS about him from KING YAMA and ALL FOUR DRAGON KINGS. He wasn't starting his new job with any good recommendations on his resume so it could also be understandable why he started with a low-entry position and maybe worked his way up. This is a job at the end of the day, Wukong COULD have just worked his way up the corporate ladder, that isn't impossible and with how strong/powerful Wukong is, he could def have done that personally.

i've read something in your posts about how despite their actions, the heavenly palace/jade emperor is needed to balance the three realms?

If Wukong won then he would undoubtedly try to take over as Jade Emproer but considering that Wukong at the start of the book had very lil care of humans or yao (I think people forget how Wukong didn't care that his non-monkey yao army was captured and he was only pleased not a single one of his own monkeys were captured) so that he would only rule the heavens where only monkeys made rights and would benefit him and his Sun Clan. He would be grandfather of the year but the rest of the world would be in shambles. Wukong was never trying to overthrow the system, he was going to be in charge of that system and just choose who he wanted to oppress instead.

The Jade Emporer is the Jade Emporer because he has spent his entire lifetime training his mind and body to balance all three realms to keep all life protected. He studied for about 327 million years to get this job, it is not just something you can casually fight him for and take it, like there needs to be credentials. Ghosts are directed to the afterlife, humans stay on earth to live, love, cultivate, and die, and cultivated humans turn into immortals who then can turn into gods who are in heaven to help continue to keep the balance of the world.

if that is so, how is overthrowing going to solve any problems? like i get the unfairness of the treatment of yaoguais but ngl, going to war felt like an even worse solution. idk im not knowledgeable of the rules.

I love that we are getting more media with Yao being sympathetic but the original creation of Yao is that they are unnatural beings. They go against the balance as they are animals/objects that skip their reincarnation process and just jump into being sentient beings without being reborn as humans first. While not inherently evil it does mess with the flow of nature and does make them more prone to be chaotic as it is in their nature to be unbalanced.

Wukong going against heaven was more for the sake of his own ego at the height of his warlord years and could have been completely avoided. The reason that it seems like a bad solution to fighting for Yao rights is because modern writers make it so.

There is no changing the outcome of the story. Wukong has to lose if the plot is to resemble anything like the original tale. And modern writers know this. The war was NEVER INTENDED to be a good solution because it is a plot device to make Wukong look better and make Heaven look bad. Writers don't have to worry about a 'what if he won' because that isn't possible and was never made to be possible.

Wukong was written to fight a war that could never be won to highlight the hopelessness and powerlessness Wukong is facing, making him more human and sympathetic to a large audience. I've spoken about this maybe times before but the plot of Bio of Wukong 悟空传 from 2000 NEARLY 20 years ago really made this popular. That kind of "It is better to die trying than to live a slave" mentality that Wukong is going to lose this fight but at least he is going to fight at all. It is that early 2000s angst that affected many movies and shows after it and even 20 years later we still see how Black Myth Wukong is following this old plot line of "Heaven is actually the bad guy and yao are the oppressed ones." It's not that this plot hasn't been done well just that this is such a common plot point in modern media that it diverts from the original story so much.

Modern writers change it so that instead of Wukong being an egotistical warlord who doesn't think about the consequences of his actions, he is a freedom fighter who is trying to save a marginalized group. The issue is that it seems hopeless to help the Yao cause because there was never a Yao issue in the first place until this point of view came into being. We see in the story that actually many Yao Kings are taken under heaven or were run away from heaven itself who came to earth for personal power. Guanyin takes in Black Wind Demon, Red Boy, and the Centipede Demon to help her. In the book, there isn't an inherent prejudice against yao (because most of them are flat characters that just want to eat Sanzang) and there are many chances of mercy given to them despite their transgressions.

But we see in Black Myth Wukong that any of these attempts to give Yao grace are framed more as 'subjugation'. Any goodwill or olive branch is now just heaven trying to control this marginalized group and they are just manipulating them into being subservient to heaven's will. I really love that the game takes time to flesh out Yaos in the story and still doesn't shy away from showing how they are still the ones at fault for their own current predicaments. Yellow Bros is still an egoistic more worried about winning than truth, Yellow Wind was using the kingdom to his own gain, and the Elder Abbot did let his disciple die to his own greed. I will say I'm not a huge fan of Red Boy's backstory change and then him just killing himself at the end as it felt disingenuous.

What I'm trying to say is that there is no winning in these kinds of storylines. They are twisted for the sake of making Wukong as a tragic hero who is fighting a losing battle that he shall never win which they do a wonderful job at. Everyone loves a tragic hero story and even makes it relatable to people's own struggles with conformity. Wukong is NEVER going to win, Yao are NEVER going to get their rights and it is meant to be just SAD and EDGY but how people shouldn't stop trying to fight even if it is a losing battle else than fight they would in a fate even worse than death. Spoilers but the end of 悟空传 is that WUKONG DIES because he rather die than be subjugated and THAT HAPPENED IN BLACK MYTH. This is a 20-year-old light novel and they are still rehashing this plot. (I'm sorry if it seems I don't like this trope, I do, but I have seen it for years and find it unoriginal at this point. I have seen it be done very well but I shall say I did enjoy it more in my 'teen angst' years than I do now.)

The OG light novel never made it so that anyone can 'win' and the same can be said in the Black Myth Universe. It almost glorifies being a martyr rather than living in subjugation because modern writers didn't write any viable solutions where our heroes 'win'. And you can't apply this with the original Xiyouji mythos or else it starts to fall apart when looking at what ACTUALLY happened with Wukong and how yaos are treated.

Also having that the fillet isn't gone and that buddhahood is a lie in Black Myth is also a HUGE divination from canon. Just know that if Wukong is a Buddha he wouldn't be bound to the fillet because he isn't bound to his physical body anymore and IS AS POWERFUL as the OG Buddha himself making any case of this null.

Personally (we are getting into AU territory) if there was a case of fighting for Yao rights in a frame of actually trying to find applicable solutions to make a real difference in the world then I truly believe that the ACTUAL JOURNEY TO THE WEST is the answer.

I'm taking some inspiration from the 1996 TV series when Sanzang wants to actually save every demon he comes across on their journey and he believes that the scriptures can provide that way. That through the Buddhist texts, Yaos could cultivate without eating humans and they can reach full human-hood and even enlightenment with the sacred texts thus creating a world where both humans can become more enlightened and kind to one another and where Yao can live peacefully without needing to cause harm to others.

I think that if there was ever a story that really captured the essence of what Journey to the West was about, that anyone can have a second chance and that no one is beyond the line of being saved, then Wukong trying to liberate Yao kind is to find a solution to why there shouldn't be Yao Kings or yao-eating-humans and thus dissolving any reason heaven would see Yao as threats to humans. Not all Yao eat humans yes BUT MOST DO to cultivate, and if the scriptures can bring that kind of enlightenment to a human then they could offer an easy and safe way that Yao can be accepted into society.

Journey to West to me has always been about second chances and how it's never too late for people to change and learn from their mistakes. Even a warlord monkey, an ex-marshall, a disgraced general, a banished prince, or a cast-out disciple could come together on a strange journey and find that violence doesn't have to be the answer but how compassion, teamwork, and understanding lead to try change within a person.

It makes it so that the journey isn't just a 'tool of heaven' but a valid solution not only to humans but also to Yaos who are genuine in wanting to become human and not cause any harm. Even humans can learn how to let go of their prejudices by becoming enlightened and letting go of fear and hate of new things. Bringing in a better world where the goal isn't separation but learning how to connect with others through understanding and patience.

That is more MY THEORY on how a better way to handle a (hypothetical) yao discrimination issue would arise.

I'm sorry for the LONG winded answer, I did have a lot to say on the matter but I hope that clears up more why the 'Wukong fighting heaven as a rebel' is a popular trope but also why it was never written to explain how it would be a viable solution as it was always written to make Wukong a tragic hero than anything else. You are right that it would not likely fix anything but also it was never intended to 'fix' as Wukong is always fate to lose that battle.

[supercorpkid]

How You Get the Girl - Final

Supergirl. Lena Luthor x Reader!, Kara Danvers, Barry Allen.

Word Count: 3335.

Part 1 / Part 2

Lena holds your face firmly, planting kisses all over it, making it impossible for you to move. Not that you would—there's nowhere else you'd rather be. You wouldn't move even if the room was on fire.

"I can't believe this is real." she whispers between kisses. Your cheeks flush, not because of her words, but the raw, desperate sincerity in her voice. It makes you feel like the most amazing person in the entire multiverse.

"Mhm, you know," you say, pausing between her soft pecks on your lips, "I love all this, but maybe we shouldn't be at CatCO anymore."

Lena pulls back slightly, her face betraying a flash of insecurity. Kissing someone that looks exactly like her employee at the workplace, one in a committed relationship even, clearly unsettles her.

"Okay, you're right." She slips into CEO mode so quickly it startles you. Pacing the room, she starts brainstorming. "Should I sell CatCO? Or find someone to run it for me and come back to this Earth on sporadically occasions? But what’s the point? Should we be worrying about which universe we're going to and—"

You get up from the couch, silencing her with a kiss. She's left breathless, lips shiny and red, staring at you as if you've taken all the words from her. "You were asking a lot of important questions, honey, but I was thinking of something else. I meant we should go to your place. I'm pretty sure there's a bed there, and we'd be much more comfortable."

"You know what? You do have good ideas!" She grins, and you can't help but mirror her smile. This smile. This one is new. Something your Earth's Lena never did.

"Look at that, I found a difference," you say, kissing the corner of her mouth. "That smile, I've never seen it before."

"I've never given it before."

You raise your eyebrows, surprised. "It's mine?"

"All yours." Lena says with such depth it knocks the air out of your lungs. And you realize she’s not just talking about the smile.

Lena looks at the ring on your finger, and you give her a nod. There's a lot to be scared of while facing this new reality you both wished into existence, but figuring out where to go next shouldn't be one of them. Yet, Lena's sweaty hands gripping yours tell you she didn't get the memo.

By now, you have traveled to so many Earths that they all look different and somewhat the same. It's hard to explain. The novelty of new worlds has started to wear off.

"Hey Barry!" 

"Y/N!" Barry exclaims, his voice filled with surprise. "And Lena?" His eyes drop to your intertwined hands. "Wait, which Earth are you guys from?"

"Earth-99," you say, pointing to yourself. He nods, recognizing you. Then you point to Lena. "Earth-242."

Barry's eyes widen, and he stays silent for a moment. You don't rush him, knowing he needs time to process. "Okay, wait a minute. Kara told you about the Earth I visited?" You nod. "So you went to a different Earth and found a Lena that loves you?" You nod again. After a pause, he adds, "Please don't tell me you're here because—"

"You guys could use my powers," you interrupt, raising your eyebrows suggestively. "And you could use her brains."

Barry looks like he wants to argue, but he can't. Not when he’s the guy who makes some of the most questionable decisions across many worlds. "I guess this is kind of my fault, isn't it?"

"One hundred percent started with you, yeah."

"Well—" He still seems like he wants to argue, but then something clicks. He realizes you and Lena could be valuable assets to the team. Soon, he smiles like a child. "Fine, you guys can stay. Welcome to Earth-1! Oh, and the S.T.A.R. Labs. The team will love having you here."

Lena looks around with a huge smile on her face. "Oh, I'm going to like this place."

You can't help but mirror her smile, seeing how excited she is. "If you're happy, I'm home."

Barry gestures for you both to follow him. "Let's go tell the others."

Earth-242 loses its Lena. She sells CatCo, donates some of her money, and invests the rest in her friends. Initially, they seem upset, but when they see her smiling at you, their anger softens. They want her to be happy, and she is happy. If they find it awkward that she is dating you, they don't mention it, and you’re grateful for that.

Assuming it would have been the same on your Earth, however, was a clear misjudgment of your friends' characters.

"So," Lena is helping you pack. She carefully folds your clothes while you toss them haphazardly into a box. "When are you going to tell your friends?"

"Well, I sent my resignation letter from CatCo a few minutes ago, which pretty much means Kara will be barging in through the window anytime now."

Lena comes closer, "And you're sure, right?" Her hands make way to your face and her touch is so good you lean into it without a second thought. "Darling?"

"Hm?" Lena has her eyebrows raised in question while waiting for your answer. "I've never been more sure about anything else in my life, ok?" You hold her waist and smile at her insecure expression. "You and I working in S.T.A.R labs sounds like a dream."

"There's no Kara in his universe." Lena makes sure you remember that. 

"Yeah I know." You kiss her forehead and smile. "We'll be fine, honey." She still looks uncertain. "Come on, Lena. I can live without Kara just fine."

"Oh really?" Kara barges in through the window that very second and you roll your eyes at the situation. Great, here she comes right on time. "You can live without me, huh?" 

You've never seen Kara this upset before, not while looking at you anyway. Perhaps at one super villain that got her really mad. But not you, never you.

"Kar," Your heart beats faster while you approach her. "I can explain. That was completely out of context." 

"Well then, please." Kara points at you, then glances at Lena behind you. "What is Lena doing here? I thought she was at headquarters."

"Right." You gesture for Lena to come closer. "Kara, this is Lena from Earth-242."

"Hi!" Lena smiles kindly. "I know this is confusing, you look exactly like the Kara from my universe too."

Kara's mouth opens and closes, unable to form a sentence.

"Well, Lena and I are together!" You smile brightly, throwing your arm around her. "And we're moving to Earth-1. Barry got us a job at S.T.A.R. labs and so we're packing my things."

One of Kara's eyes blinks, just one, while she tries to comprehend all that you're saying. She stumbles back into the bed, and lets herself fall into it with a murmured, "What?"

"I emailed in my resignation letter to Ms. Grant today, I was terrified to face her."

Kara clutches her chest. "What?"

"Darling," Lena calls your attention and you look at her. "Maybe go slower." She points to the door. "I'll be packing your kitchen stuff. You two can take your time."

Kara isn't listening to you. She fires off question after question, without giving you time to answer. So, you stay silent, watching her process everything.

"You're leaving? With a Lena? You're dating Lena? Oh my Gosh, you did love Lena. And I said it was crazy. But it is crazy. It's so crazy you're dating a different Lena from another universe and you're moving to Barry's universe? Is that even legal?" Kara reaches for her comm. "Emergency meeting in the headquarters, something insane is about to happen."

You sigh, looking at her, about to argue, but Kara points a firm finger at you. "Get your Lena there. Now."

"You know you're not my boss, right?" One hard look later, you call out, "Honey, we're going to the headquarters!"

You and Lena make it to the headquarters with Kara on your tow, so she is sure you two won't vanish into another universe (her words, not yours). The whole team is there already and Lena squeezes your hand a little stronger when she senses your anxiety.

"Hey," She whispers close to your ear. "They love you, they'll be happy that you're happy." You look at her, swallowing hard as she assures you with her eyes. "And if not –" She taps on your ring lightly.

"Is that…" Lena narrows her eyes at her counterpart waltzing in the headquarters hand-in-hand with you. "Me?"

"Hi everyone. This is Lena, from Earth-242." You decide to tell them all at once, so they can't argue. “She’s my girlfriend. We’re very happy, and we’re moving to Earth-1 together and working at S.T.A.R labs.” 

Kara points at you, “See! Something crazy!”

“It’s not crazy.” You huff annoyed, even though all of your friends are looking at you like you just grew a second head. “It’s love!”

Earth-99 Lena, it’s the first one to say, “well, this is awkward.”

“No, no. There’s nothing awkward about this.” But they are all looking at each other trying to understand how to best react to this. 

J'onn clears his throat. "Well, I wish you both good luck on your journey." He says getting opposite reactions from everyone else. He ignores them, and comes closer, shaking both yours and your girlfriend's hands. "I hope you two find happiness on Earth-1, and visit us anytime you have a chance." 

"What the fuck!" Alex exclaims from behind him.

"You'll be missed, Y/N, but I understand your decision." J'onn looks back at the others. "I'll patrol the city while you continue this conversation."

For a moment, the room is silent, but then Kara takes a deep breath, and everyone starts talking at once.

"You're crazy!" 

"This is insane!" 

"Are you shitting me?"

When they finally stop, they all look at each other, seemingly agreeing on a plan.

"Earth-242 Lena, can we talk to you?" Kara starts.

And at the same time, this Earth Lena looks at you, “Can we talk in private?” 

You agree with your head and follow her into a private room in the headquarters. Only Kara would be able to listen to your conversation, but you don’t think she is dying to know what’s happening inside this room when she is quizzing your girlfriend to death in another one. 

“So, you’re dating… me.”

You bite your tongue. How will you get yourself out of this one? “Well, you said that we’re all different people, remember?” 

She doesn’t, by the way she is looking at you completely lost. You’re not surprised she doesn't recall the moment when everything changed in your life, she was, as always, barely aware of your presence.

"I asked about it and you said there wouldn't be a paradox. We're different individuals."

"Well, yes, but she's still me somehow." She seems to be carefully choosing her words, but when she speaks again, you don't think she chose the right ones. "Isn't that the reason you're with her? I mean, you barely know her. What you know is because she reminds you of me."

"That's not true. You two are different."

She doesn't believe that, but for the sake of winning this argument she lets it slide. "Then how do you know that you're in love with her?"

"Sometimes there's no proof. Sometimes you just know."

She stares at you in disbelief and repeats, "Darling, she is me." 

"No, she isn't. And you wanna know why?" Lena raises her eyebrows, encouraging you to speak. "Because she loves me. Because, God, Lena, she can give me everything you never could. Love and smiles and—" You turn around, you can't look at her face while you say that. "We've been falling into beds together, and in each other's arms. Just loving each other so hard, I can't even remember what it's like to be a mess over someone who never gave a damn about me." You breathe out. "So, do I still need to tell you how she brought me back to life?"

She doesn't talk for what it feels like an eternity. You never once thought this was how you were going to confess your feelings for her. But now, it doesn't matter anymore. It might never have mattered in the first place.

You turn around slowly, Lena's eyes are filled with unshed tears. "Smiles?"

"What?" 

"She can give you smiles?" She repeats. You're sure you've said many, many words after that one, but 'smiles' is the word she decides to focus on. You nod slightly and Lena lets out an incredulous laughter. "Like I never smiled at you?"

"Different smiles."

"Different smiles, okay." Lena parrots, wiping her eyes even though no tears have fallen yet. "So, what? You jumped into different universes to find a version of me that would give you different smiles?"

"Shut up." You try to push past her, but she blocks you. "You don't get it. You'll never get it."

"Why?" Lena's voice is small, despite her standing tall in front of you, blocking your escape.

"Because!" You try to move past her, but she holds your wrists, pinning you against the wall.

"Because what? Say it!" Lena growls with such intensity, a hard gaze flickering between your mouth and your eyes.

"Because you wouldn't love me!" You yell.

Lena blinks at you. The splash of blue in her eye takes you off guard, you've never noticed it before. You knew that about your Lena, but you hadn't realized all of them had just a tiny bit of heterochromia. 

Then she finally blinks away a tear. You hold your breath to the small tear rolling down her cheek and time just stops between you. You both get so caught up in the moment, she lets go of your wrists, hands dropping to her sides. You swallow deep while raising your hand to her face. Your thumb brushes softly against her skin to clean a single tear she shed for you. 

You smile. "Different smiles, different tears." You explain. "I know you're confused, and I was confused too. For so long I was confused about this. But then I kissed her, and now I know."

"Well, maybe you need to be confused again." Lena pushes you further into the wall, no space for you to even breathe without having your body fully pressed against hers. 

You know what's coming next, and here's the thing, you could fight it but it doesn't even seem worth it. 

So when Lena kisses you, you think back of the many Lenas you've kissed in different universes. The sweet familiar pecks; The passionate disgraceful kisses; The 'you're mine' kisses; The 'I wish you were mine' ones; The many lips and tongues and hands; And then this one.

When she breaks the kiss for air, you have a dopey smile on your face and a light behind your eyes, you don't think it was there before.

Lena smiles too, satisfied with herself. And if you're being fair, you don't think you've ever seen this smile on her face. 

"Ok. So now that I have you confused again," She starts and you think she keeps talking, something about how to keep you on this Earth and get the other Lena back home or whatever. You're not even sure, you're not listening. Body buzzing so loud, you're shaking. 

"Sorry, I've got to —" You run to the door, since now she's given you enough space to do so. 

"Wait, where are you going?"

"Oh." You offer her a smile, the first one since this whole conversation started. You see, the other ones, they weren't for her. "I'm going home."

She looks puzzled, so you give her more information.

"You know, Lena, when you have perfect, 'almost' is never enough." You run back into the main space, you think Lena is right behind you but you're not sure, can't see her. You're not even aware if there's anyone in this place except for her. Your Lena, the Lena. 

She's caught by surprise when you hold her hand, but is quick to get up and ignore the last question fired at her by the three musketeers. "She's done explaining herself to you. We're going home."

"Wait —" Kara tries.

"No." You keep making your way out.

"Y/N, please." You think you hear Lena's voice, but it could've been Kara, or maybe even Alex, you don't care. But your escape is put to a halt, and you turn around with a frown on your face.

"No, you guys don't get it. And we don't have to explain ourselves. I love her. This one." You raise your intertwined fingers so they all can see it. "This Lena is the one for me. And you can accept that and be happy that I'm finally happy, or not. But what you can't do is try to mess up with this. Do you all get me? Me and my girlfriend are moving to Earth-1, we're starting a life together. Because she is the one I want. And no other Lena will ever do. No other person will ever do." 

You look back at her and see the smile. Different, unabashed, yours. Earth-99 Lena might have a thousand different smiles you've never seen, but you don't care about them. You like this one. This one is yours.

You look at her, doe-eyed. "You're with me?"

"I'll die." She whispers. "I'll die a sure death if I can't be with you."

Epilogue.

"Honey, do you know if Barry is bringing Iris?" You ask, going to the kitchen. Lena is organizing the many dips she bought so they look nice. She has her hair down in messy little waves, a large t-shirt and comfortable sweatpants. Barefoot on the kitchen floor, and not even an ounce of make up on her face. You smile at the perfect sight. "Why are you making all of that? It's just a game night with our friends."

"You know your friends from Earth-99 are coming too. And yes, Iris is coming too." She accepts the kiss you plant on her cheek with a bright smile. 

You peek inside one box. "You bought potstickers just for Kara, didn't you?"

"And the special beer Alex likes, and I snuck the new prototype out of the lab so I can show Winn." Lena says, sounding more excited to see your friends than you.

"That's why they love you a lot more than they love me." You joke and she chuckles, holding you from behind.

"I'm just happy they came around."

You turn around so you can face her, but her arms never leave your waist. You kiss her forehead and peck her lips.

"They would be crazy not to. You're the best Lena in the multiverse, even they can't deny that."

"How about Earth-17 Lena who helps every other Earth when they are in crisis? You know, the one responsible for this." She raises her eyebrows and you know what she means.

"No one's responsible for this, but us. If we hadn't kissed, we would never know." Your finger goes to her chin and you tilt it the slightest so you can kiss her better. And God, how is it possible that every kiss you share with her, feels the exact same as that first one. Explosive, urgent and in perfect harmony. "Just don't tell Barry that, or he might kick us out of S.T.A.R. labs."

"We're indispensable at the labs, darling."

"No. You are indispensable. I'm just the comic relief." You joke and Lena laughs as bright and easy as the sun. And shit, this Lena is so much better than any other Lena. Not only because she is yours, but like, damn, look at her. You're sure, you'd have died many deaths if it wasn't for her.