#cause i know it doesnt matter. and its so much more difficult. i know there are people out there who love and appreciate what i do

[the-kipsabian]

.

[ganondoodle]

as i was awake in the middle of the night for like 2 hours bc i felt sick i had more somewhat random totk thoughts

one being that i really hate how raurus response to concerned zelda is, after sonia died in that almost funny how little impactful it was way, "im sure you are here for a reason" (actually, i hate how often this sentence is used in general to .. idk i guess its supposed to be inspiritational???)

bc what does that mean actually? him saying that to someone who got there absolutely by accident really just sounds like "i dont care go figure it out yourself bc i dont want to think about anything concerning you or your troubles lol" i guess its meant to sound like OOOOH fate has BROUGHT you here bc you have to furfill a role you dont know yet (spoiler its being a sacrifice girl with no personality) and besides me hating the 'inescapable fate' trope in general (at least the way its usually done in these games, which is not to struggle against it but willingly accept whatever you are told and pretend thats good) its really jsut goddamn boring and is really only an excuse to well .. ignore her and her trouble; shouldnt you, if you were actually such a cool guy like the game wants me to believe so bad, do everything in your power to get zelda back to her own world before shes pulled even further into the war you caused now that her only ""mentor"" that could help her get more use of her pretty much useless sudden powers is gone too?? i know shes basically dead wife sonia replacement (can of worms ugh) but it still grinds my gears whenever i think of that cutscene, bc i cant help but hear it as the lamest excuse in existence to not care about her and just kinda .. see what happens which in this case means leave zelda completely on her her own since both rauru and mineru die as well (honestly shouldnt rauru have thought about like .. any plan to defeat gan besides dying himself, given hes the oh so cool and goodest guy king whos only mistake was not stabbing gan the second he stepped into their kathedral castle thing, like even if you had a plan it can still fail but it seemed like he just kinda went in with a handful of people that didnt seem to know each other at all, never got names or faces -or unique voices for that matter- to fight gan face to face inlcuding the girl that came from a different time and had nothing to do with any of this conflict and couldnt even really control her sudden new powers just seems pretty stupid)

thought 2

how totk really feels like botw but for the people who didnt like shiekah tech, its not a sequel, its botw again, but version of only sonau, its like a pokemon game that had two versions but one has weirdly incoherent story and acts like the other never existed jsut as a whole its like retreading the same points but worse, all shiekah tech that was so integral to the world and had such a long history just vanishing and no one caring about any of it like it never happened, HELL the titans were called divine beasts in english but i guess they werent divine or important enough to keep around LOL champions WHO and isntead a never before seen or even heard of race for that matter showing up and planting their ass in every place the shiekah were before, dare i say it feels weirdly manipulative, like either them or some outside force erasing every fact about the ancient shiekah and replace them with sonau stuff bc they are the hot new shit now

this is a point that just doesnt stop bothering me, how the shiekah tech seemed so carefully designed and integrated into botws world and story, its a difficult to keep balance after all, integrating high tech stuff into a medieval setting, but they made it work! and then totk comes around and throws a bunch modern day tech into it puts some vague greenish stone filter on its exterior and call that even better more ancient tech; why did they even bother to make pottery inspired laser shooting spider legged robots so well integrated when they throw a car and rockets into the next game without a thought and call it a day, what was the fucking point

it feels like someone was dead set on having a set of legos thrown into the game it had no place in, if you want players to build whatever they want make a building game instead!! especially if you are just gonna throw it in with seemingly no consideration how out of place it feels togehter with the fACT THAT YOU ALREADY HAD AND ANCIENT HIGH TECH CIVILIZATION WITH A VERY DISTINCT AESTHETIC THAT WAS ALREADY WELL INTEGRATED INTO THE WORLD YOU ARE PLANNING TO REUSE WITH ALOT OF MYSTERY AND UNKOWN STUFF ABOUT THEM TO EXPLORE FURTHER YOU COULD HAVE USED!! but i guess they just "didnt want to play with you anymore" and that so much so that they went out of their way to erase every trace of it, i dont think the words shiekah tech are ever used in the game, and the purah pad and her towers just drive me more isnane bc they are the same shit but called different and also much worse, liek the purah pad isnt some more developed shiekah stone, no its a glorified camera with a teleport function and thats it

(i know i said this before but i really cant stand how obsessed every single NPC is with sonau shit, you get told to your face every second line of dialog that they are so cool and are so mysterious that it just makes me annoyed of them even more, the game is obsessed with shoving them everywhere and telling you over and over you too should obsess over them, they werent weird like that about the shiekah stuff in botw?? the biggesst talking point in botw was calamity ganon ..... which makes sense and in totk its like ... gan is mentioned what, in a newspaper article??? once???and then not even by name i think???)

aside from that big point which will never let me go, its also just .. its not moving forward anything, it actively walks BACK the progress that was made in botw, call me dumb but i dont really count moving one step up in the social roles of each race as a character development (for the side characters like the champions desc- ahem SAGES) but mainly zelda ... god how dirty she was done, totk pretty explicitely makes her regress any development she made in botw aside from she likes link uwu and some people like her too, but also not enough to notice that that weird zelda being all evil and weird isnt her (INLCUDING THE CHAMP- SAGES WHO YOU ARE SUPPOSEDLY FRIENDS WITH??? you dont have to be a genius to pick up on that my god, were you all given the mc dumbo potion or what)

she gets put back to square one, back into the little itty bitty princessy maiden role forced upon her by her royal parentage, this time rauru edition, back into a white little dress, back into the scared puppy eyed teenager, back into a situation she cant handle, back into losing everyone around her (tho honestly botw made me care more about rhoam than totk did about rauru), back into being forced to do a big sacrifice- but worse actually

in botw she went to FIGHT AND HOLD GANON IN THE CASTLE SO LINK HAD TIME TO RECOVER AND IT WOULDNT DESTROY THE LAND!! and you are telling me in totk rauru takes up her botw role and she bascially killed herself to ... restore the mastersword.

......... she ... she did that only to be a glorified version of the stone pedestal in the forest. and then she gets returned to normal itty bitty girly no problem via magic sparkle beam at the end and

DOESNT

EVEN

REMEMBER.

it really is just botw but worse, you even get yet another ghost king of hyrule to guide you around (rhoam did it better fight me ... we dont talk about the questionable choice to make himself darker skinned when posing as just some guy)

i honestly dont think i was ever truly taken aback by anythign that happened in botw, while in totk, the further i played, the more i had to fight with myself to keep the feeling of unease, disappointment and betrayal down

its such a god damn shame, totk should have stayed a DLC, i will forever mournfully dream of a game that explores more of the ancient shiekah, doesnt erase integral parts of the world, developes characters more instead of making them regress back and make them end up even less developed than at the start of the game, dives into buried secrets and mistakes of dark pages of history without giving into a weirldy nationalist(imperalisitc?) narrative and lets characters have some agency for once

if it werent for the yiga i might have actually considered refunding the game, just to be at peace with myself

anyway, aboslutely incoherent word vomit.

[bbrokenbback]

Hairstyle hcs time!

So recently ive been thinking what if all of those bald-ass primarchs actually had visited a hairdresser of some sort at least once in their lives instead of taking a razor and getting rid of all their hair. And also what if other who canonically have hair had something actually good on their heads instead of just going in a fight with flowing hair of theirs and idk being tugged on it by some warboss of whatever.

So there it.

I. Lion ElJonson. I think he should have had some sort of braids and it is also going to be probably just as loose and messy as it is in the picture since you know he likes a mele fighting.

2. Let him stay bald.

3. Fulgrim. Canonically hes already got the best hairstyle of all of his brothers but i think there must be something that would fit him best and also be a little more practical in a mele sword fight than having loose hair. I sadly havent found a male reference but it doesnt matter. So i would give Fulgrim a neat ponytail with a band probably made out of his own hair. Its practical, it shows how good hes hair is, its beautiful, its everything we need.

4. Perturabo. Hes focused a little too much on a practical side of things so i think if he had hair he would collect it into a bun. Not so neat since he does not really care about hair at all and it gets messy with time cause he just makes it in the morning and does not correct anything about it till the time he goes to sleep again unless the bun collapses. I also think he would have slightly curly hair because well greek. It also charcoal black.

5. Jaghatai Khan. Hes allowed to have messy hair because hes the definition of a mess himself and he messes around and pls stop me. I think his hairstyle is required to be a little more loose than its in canon because i dont think that a person like him would actually care about keeping his hair neat. Although i see him having a little ponytail on the back of his head the hair itself is just to short to be collected in one scrunchy.

6. Leman Russ. It was too easy to find lots of scandinavian kind of hairtyle references so there we have it: shaved sides with long braids going from the top of the head which is sometimes collected in a bun and sometimes not. Hairstyle had quite a meaning in the northen contries so i think hes the unexpected one to actually care about his hair and making his little braids. It must be some sort of a ritural for him.

7. Rogal Dorn. I honestly cannot see him with hair any longer than hes got in canon. Actually I see him as a person who would like it to be even shorter because you know another guy whos focused on practical stuff too much. He does not really care about hairstyle so his head is always neat but with nothing fancy or special. Hes hair looks like hes just gotten out of the army and is trying to grow it up but fails and cuts it short.

BUT i think he cares about his hair condition a lot because its quite hard to have a clear white hair when you are in constant war. Hes got plenty of purple shampoos to get rid of that annoying yellowness in his hair. One of the few of the primarch to actually use conditioner so altough his hair is short its the softes and the silkiest of all.

8. Konrad Curze. This was a difficult one actually. Most of his hairstyle habits disappear the moment he exits the Prime of Emperor after he finished his Fulgrims degree. And when he had any kind of hairstyle at all it was mostly made by Fulgrim himself so Konrad does not look like a junk rat while walking on his flagship.

I can imagine Fulgrim making poor Konrad having the worst and the most difficult hairstyle ever so he does not unbraid it himself or gets too frustrated by the structure before he finishes it. Maybe something that in M2 was popular among brides, all those hairstyle that requires at least two people to make it work on a head. Increadibly neat and shiny and silky though Konrad does not like it at all. Hes head is itchy hes eyes are pulled in two different direction because of how strong the tension on his temples is.

However Konrad does not shave his head bald out of protest. He just endures his fates.

9. Sanguinius. His hair must be so hard to work with because hes got the curliest of all curls so I think it would take a lot of time for him alone to make something of it properly. Thankfully hes got his sons who are all happy to help their dad with his hair and would probably fight each other for a chance to do so because its considered an honour.

He needs something that is strong enough to not fall apart during his flights and also beautiful so I decided it to be a head-circling braid or a few of them. It is held my several hidden hairpins and from outside it looks rather magical than real because of how good its made. His curls although are almost unnoticable.

10. Ferrus Manus. There is not that much to say about his hair outside of it being a total mess all of the time no matter how long or short it is. His hair must be very dry and so straight that it would never touch Fulgrimg stay in any kind of shape and will stick out in all possible directions like hes not a primarch but a hedgehog. If his hair ever grows up more than shoulder lenght it would look spiky.

Also no idea who the character is but his hair fits and also a little beard is something I can see Ferrus having.

11. Cut of his head while shaving it. Deserved.

12. Angron. Ive seen it somewhere as a canon fact but his hair must be red. So hes a redhead! Its cute! Since he was a gladiator there is not so much of things that he might have done with his hair so he would probably just keep it short. It wouldnt get too dirty in fights, practical and not as ugly as a bald head. Simple though not so neat because I think its kinda hard to wash it while being a slave.

Since hes got nails I think he would always have bristle because its hard to shave when you twitch all the time.

13. Roboute Guilliman. I do not know why hes hair is not curly since hes a walking reference to the Roman Empire. Anyway there is not so much to say about him too but I think hes really into accessories. Flower crowns, lauren wreathes, all that kind of stuff. Simple things like little golden leaves as hairpins too.

I also think that in 41M hes wreath hurts him because it has sharp leaves and is spiky in general so hes got little wounds on his temples all the time which sometimes bleed dirtying his hair and making him look even more like a figure of faith.

14. Mortarion. Hes hair is white or rahter colorless and very thin, also its very brittle considering all the toxic stuff hes met on his homeworld and also his casual habit of taking a glass or two of literal moonshine of his own making which is rather a promethium to human body than an actual drink. Since his hair is thin and brittle I think his hairstyle would be very uneven although he would still keep it long rather than shoulder or temple lenght. He lenght is different on every side of his head but somehow he does not look like a mess of a man who cannot take care of his own hair but rather like a fairy moth.

15. Magnus the Red. Hes a literal shapeshifter so he doesnt really care about whether his hair gets cut off or burnt during a fight or not because he can always grow it back in a minute using his warp magic. Although he still would need a hairstyle to attend some official meetings with humans or his brothers so this is it. I have no idea how to call it but with the hair of his it would look so great. It might appear to others like kinda messy but actually it is not and for Prospero where I can see this hairstyle to be quite traditional its very neatly made. Hes also into accessories like Roboute but for him its rather thin chains, strings and necklaces.

16. Horus Lupercal. Somewhere Ive read that hes got canonically red hair too so be it. Hes a redhead. If he wasnt bald he would have a short military hairstyle. Hes hair is straight, thick and healthy in every way though he does not do much to it. Hes got no actual hairstyle but hes very into royal kind of accessories. Crowns. wreathes, tiaras and diadems of all sorts. Nothing too extra like those gigantic russian crowns since he considers himself to be a rather warrior type of king. Its still too much in comparison to his other brothers.

17. Lorgar Aurelian. I think his hair is just like the Emperors because hes always compared to Him in terms of appearance. Brown. straight but not messy, very heavy. If he wasnt bald he would keep it long, much longer than his shoulders, probably to his waist. The hairstyle is simple yet sometimes quite excessive. Little braids with rings and chains of gold braided into them, sometimes with no braids at all and just the accessories put straight onto strands. And there is always a little too much of them than its required. Just as Sanguinius allows his sons to take care of his hair sometimes with braiding and washing it although it mostly Erebus and Kor Phaerons job.

18. Vulkan. Hes getting dreads since it was quite obvoius but its not that simple. I think on Nocturne its very important to keep you hair clean out of all that vulcanic junk that atmosphere is full of and dreads make it much easier to manage. The way it looks, amount of added colours and accessories is the way of showing a status of a person. Since Vulkan is a primarch his dreads would be very colorful and full of small details such as hollow gems, beads, tapes and belts. There must be lots of pieces of dragons` skin too. Its also very practical because a bun of dreads makes it much easier to work in a forge with long hair considering all the sweat and dirt.

19. Corvus Corax. I dont think hes the kind of a person who would put too much effort in his looks but its different with hair. Since hes got very thick hair and its canonically long I think he might grow it even longer and experiment with it a lot. There is a different hairstyle for fight, for meetings with humans, his brothers and his sons, for each and every special occasion. But i think he would prefer ponytails the because its simple, practical and still looks coold with that hair of his.

20. Alpharius and Omegon. Matching hairstyle. I havent found a reference pic for this one that would fit the vibe of the two of them. Its just crazy matching haistyles. Pink waist long dreads? They both got it. Blue quads with a shaved side? They are mirrorying each other. The older they get the more interesting it gets.

[manie-sans-delire-x]

Asking out of real interest, what do you mean by “PDs aren’t just bad behaviour”? I know there’s neurological differences and all, but I feel as if there must be some element of choice for ASPD? Obviously it’s not a choice to have the personality disorder, but the behavioural aspects confuse me a little. Like what compels someone to lie pathologically, exploit, manipulate, be horrendously irresponsible etc. in daily life? Also: is it daily? How severe/frequent does this type of behaviour have to be to lead to dx

Yeah its a complicated thing isnt it? It really comes down to the discussion of whether humans have genuine free will at all, or if we're just animals at the mercy of our brain chemistry. Honestly, the more I study psychology, and evolution, the more I become inclined to believe the latter, even if it may sometimes be a "cop-out" excuse. But I don't believe humans are in control of ourselves as much as we like to believe, we are just animals, perceiving and reacting based off innate predispositions and our environment around us, neither of which we can control. Nature vs nurture? We cannot control either, and twin studies show nature/innate genetics actually determines who we are a little bit more- about 60% to 40%. Actions are decided based off thoughts and feelings, again neither of which humans can control, only try to manage after it has already come into existence and awareness. Unfortunately, whether its true or not, society can't really function on that premise. Society HAS to function on the premise that humans have total free will, or we couldn't punish crime or hold people responsible for anything. Even if its scientifically proven that humans dont have free will, I dont think humans are willing or capable of accepting or fully understanding that about themselves.

Also, its the same conflict with other disorders- people with anorexia "choose" not to eat. People with depression choose to not bathe. They are perfectly physically capable of it, but they are "unable" or at least its deeply difficult to do so because of internal factors, even if they want to recover. Is that truly free will? Are they under control of an illness that has co-opted their brain? Does a drug addict have full control over themselves when the drug has changed their neurochemistry? A person with schizophrenia may understand that they are being paranoid or having hallucinations, but they cannot stop being paranoid and having hallucinations.

You say that you know there are neurological differences and people with ASPD dont choose to have that, but aren't our actions determined by our neurology? Our thinking, our emotions. Brain chemistry determines it all doesnt it? Isnt that why medication works, that thoughts, feelings, and behavior strongly changes once brain chemistry changes? Isnt that why brain damage can completely change a persons personality and behavior? We know that physical damage to the brain often causes severe aggression, seen in many serial killers like Richard Ramirez and even in odd cases like Phineas Gage. So is it so different from that, whether the damage to the brain is cause by a physical outside influence, or abuse and trauma? We can see on scans that abuse and trauma changes the physical structure of the brain- its smaller, has less neural activity and less volume of gray matter.

Ultimately I don't know, I dont have the answers. But it sure is a fascinating topic!! Stanford neurobiologist Robert Sapolsky argued the same thing- that free will doesnt exist. I havent read it but he wrote a book about it.

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"Like what compels someone to lie pathologically, exploit, manipulate, be horrendously irresponsible etc. in daily life?"

Thats another complicated but very interesting question! But ok lets ask this, what compels someone to NOT lie? To tell the truth, to treat people well, to be responsible and show up at work everyday even when they dont actually want to. I think its the same answer- genetic personality and upbringing. Basically, maybe we are all just trained dogs. We all act based on what we are shown, what we are taught (and genetic predispositions). People do what they believe is best for themselves, what they deserve, what others deserve. People act on how they expect others will act- an abuse victim being aggressive and attacking first because they expect to be attacked due to prior life experience. Most liars think other people lie. People who scam justify to themselves by saying the fault is in the victim for being stupid, and separate themselves from the victim by believing they would never fall for such an obvious scam (whether thats true or not).

People can justify anything, most people dont think of themselves as a bad person. Even rapists and murderers justify it to themselves, and they can even be horrified by the same crime committed by someone else. Humans have a blind spot when it comes to themselves, especially humans with ASPD or NPD. Even though they are PDs, there really is an element of delusion in it, same as psychosis. They are not fully living in the mainstream "reality". Breaking free of that delusional state and realizing that they are the monster, they are the bad guy, that they are the problem, can be a huge shock. Its a complete change of perspective, their world turning upside down. Most arent capable of ever even reaching that break through point, because its too painful, and would ruin their self image and narrative of their life. Or they are not naturally insightful enough, or versed in psychological and philosophical thinking enough. I'm speaking from personal experience here, when I had my moment of "I am the monster in this story" when I was 19 it was very shocking because I was delusional, I did not see it like that at all, I was viewing my life from my perspective, naturally. Suddenly I saw two mirror realities of my life and myself, both equally real and valid, but very different perspectives. But I'll just say this- it makes total sense at the time. It makes total sense to lie, or manipulate, or kill, or rob. It all just comes down to perspective. I dont think people can fully understand something without experiencing it themselves. To understand a murderer, you have to commit murder. But then it really does make sense.

Most people with PDs are victims of childhood abuse and trauma. It warps your thinking, your ways of feeling, and thus your actions. You dont relate to other human beings the same way healthy people do. That basic bond and care, the recognition of the self in the other is damaged. Trauma makes your brain shut off your empathy and connection to others to better survive, so you dont have to carry the pain of others on top of your own suffering, so you can prioritize your own survival.

I think it can be very hard for a victim of abuse to admit when they are NOT the victim this time but instead the perpetrator in a situation. And I think thats because they have not been properly validated yet. Their trauma needs to be fully acknowledged first, or else they end up just feeling defensive, angry, resentful. "Well what about MY trauma? No one cares about that but everyone cares about my victim? NOW people care?" They need to be fully validated first, then work to acknowledge that a person can be Both a victim and a perpetrator.

-----

"Also: is it daily? How severe/frequent does this type of behaviour have to be to lead to dx"

It just has to be severe and frequent enough to meet the diagnostic criteria in the DSM or ICD. Yes its daily because PDs are a consistent thing, not episodic. PDs are serious disorders and can be harmful or even dangerous to others, but I also dont want you to have the wrong impression that most people with PDs are like these lurking scheming villians who plot all day. Most people with PDs, even ASPD and NPD, are just people who are really suffering and struggling to live day to day. Most have co-morbid mental illnesses, or addictions, and a history of trauma. The PD is considered a disorder because it negatively impacts their own life so much, and who in their right mind would choose that? As a mental health practitioner, I operate by the belief that the person with the disorder is always the one suffering the most. Its important to remember that when compassion fatigue is setting in.

-----

These are topics I find fascinating, and I'd love to hear what others think. I hope this answer wasn't too rambling, I'm a little high. I'm also going to post something I've been working on- I call it "thought perspective" and basically it's just an effort to understanding mental illnesses from the inside out, to see specifics of thinking. I think it may help you understand what I mean more, about people with PDs and/or severe trauma just operating in a different reality and how their actions make sense from their perspective. Thanks for the ask!!

[hannieehaee]

Out of pure curiosity you do think in seventeen is most likely to settle down first or at least prioritize a private relationship over their careers as idols. I've been thinking about it and I definitely think leader line/jeonghan would be the least and Joshua cuz of yk :/ but then members like jun/mingyu/wonwoo/vernon/minghao seem to me to he the type where they'd sacrifice their career not because they care less but give priority to things outside being an idol. Chan and seungkwan is either/or for me - seungkwan cause of how long he's been in the spotlight acting as a promoter for seventeen and Chan cause he seems to be the ambitious "chase two girls (dreams) lose the one" type. But then again I think this also kinda reflects which members would be willing to go solo...the members who'd priorize not having relationships would be the members to least go solo and the members who would I can totally see as going solo. Sorry for the long ask btw😅

omg this is such an interesting question and i've honestly thought about this before. ima make a most to least to put their relationship before their career (this is just from my own personal read on them from what we've publicly seen of their personalities) personally i think theyd all probably find a way to work through hardships and keep it going as long as possible instead of ever ending a committed relationship due to their careers but gonna rate them all anyway lmao

a/n: this was just word vomit so its not proofread

most

wonwoo - he seems to value his personal life a lot to a point where he wouldn't let anything get in the way, never shying away from expressing how much he cares for his loved ones. he knows the value of his personal life, meaning he would likely place it at a higher level of importance than his career. he seems to really enjoy being an idol, though, so this would probably be a very difficult decision. i think if it really came down to it, he'd pick his s/o over his career as an idol, or would at least prioritize it more.

vernon - he seems very family oriented. i think he once said one of his dreams was to be a dad, so i think if he saw that future with his s/o, he would pick his s/o over career as an idol. he's had a long run as a public figure, even dating back to when he was a child. he wouldnt wanna risk his personal relationship for his idol career, no matter how much he loves it.

minghao - has never shied away from drawing lines in between his personal life and his public one as an idol. he gives me the vibe of a romantic and he's also very family oriented. he would likely wanna find a love like that of his parents, so he would probably see that with his s/o and prioritize the future of the relationship over anything else.

mingyu - he seems veryyyy used to his privacy being invaded (stalkers constantly calling him; seemingly more so than other members), so i think he'd be good at handling anything that came hurdling at his personal life, meaning there would probably never be a need for him to feel like he has to choose BUT if he realllyyyy had to pick, he'd pick his s/o. he adores his loved ones and is one of the most caring people, so he'd pick his s/o without a second thought.

seokmin - he's boyfriend personified, so i think if be fell in love he'd fall HARD, meaning that he would willingly give anything up for his s/o. loves his idol life so much but he loves his family twice as much (with his s/o being family to him ofc), so he would propritize them in a heartbeat, never regretting his choice.

seungkwan - he's such a loving person. he loves so many people and he loves so hard, i think he'd be unable to part ways with his s/o if his career got in the way. he loves being an entertainer to a fault, though, so i think he'd try really hard to find a loophole in there to not risk his relationship with his s/o and still keep his entertainer career intact. if it came down to one or the two, though, he'd let his heart guide him.

seungcheol - he doesnt show his romantic side that often (at least publicly) but he seems like he'd be a very dependable s/o, which makes me think that he would never drop his s/o bc of his job. he made a promise to stay by their side, so he's not letting anything get in the way. he's the leader, though, so he would never wanna leave his boys in an uncomfortable position due to his personal life. would be an extremely difficult point of tension, but he'd know that he'd always have his boys even if his career went down under.

jun - even with all the scrutiny he got as an idol for taking on a role where he was very affectionate, he still did it out of his passion for acting. in the same way, he would also fight for your relationship no matter the repercussions to his strict idol career. he seems like he'd be a bit more level headed and less emotional than the aforementioned members though. i think he'd be willing to take a break with his s/o in order to work through things, not giving up his career but also keeping a door open for a future with his s/o.

jeonghan - he's a very family oriented person and seems super protective over them, so i think he'd be the same with his s/o. only reason why i put him so down on the list is because i dont think this would be too much of an emotional thing for him. i dont think he would ever be in a position where he had to give up his relationship. he would just work his way around it somehow. would either take a break with his s/o or take a break from his career OR just work through any and every hurdle that comes his way. as cliche as it may sound, he'd cheat his way through the situation to not have to permanently give up anything.

joshua - feel kinda bad commenting on him considering his current situation, but i think he'd find a balance somehow, just like jeonghan. even if he went through horrible scrutiny, i think he would just somehow work it out and keep it together, even if it was all completely out of control. he comes from a small family, so i think letting anyone into his family must be insanely intimate and personal to him, which makes me think he just wouldnt be willing to let anything get in the way. he's also worked too hard for his career and loves his boys too much (he moved from a whole other country and found safe haven in svt) so i think he also wouldnt be willing to give that up.

woozi - his career is what he breathes. hes known for being a workaholic, creating almost the entirety of svt's discography from scratch. not only would he not wanna give up or risk his passion for making music, but he would never wanna leave his group without the stability that he brings to the group. he's a very loving guy, though, even if he's not too expressive about it. he wrote circles for wonwoo and yawn for kwan, showing how much he cares for them, which makes me think he'd feel a similar love for his s/o. would maybe take a break, or find some way to balance both out. would likely put his career above a relationship if it really came down to it though.

chan - he's young so i think he'd be more interested in his career right now than ever risking it for an s/o. i fee like he's least likely to be in a long and committed relationship rn too, considering the tightness of his schedule and the fact he's at the height of his career. this would probably come easier to him than most members, having probably not been in love yet in order to really make it a difficult choice.

soonyoung - he seems way too in love with his career to let anything get in the way. the amount of dedication he's always put on his career tells me he wouldnt let anything get in the way. although he would be emotional about it and do anything be could to not let it get in the way of his romantic relationships, i think he would still be most likely out of all members to actually end his relationship if it really came down to it. he's said before he'd like to try solo stuff someday, so i think he's more willing to put his career before anything else.

a/n: this isnt meant to be a fic lol i was just rlly interested in the question u brought up anon haha

[jestersking]

Owen: “Hi, Martyn. It’s been a good while, huh? Spring just started. We built ourselves a little house. We even left a room for you, I think you would have liked it. It’s been... Hard without you. You were such a reliable part for all of us, that it’s kinda hard to actully... Live without you. And managing the rats became so much more difficult! It’s like your chaotic attitude helped them being calm, huh.  Besides, I would really love to hear your advices on some things... Well, it doesn’t matter where you are - we always have a room for you. Or your spirit. I prefer not to think about it. We miss you.” Apo: “Hey, Martyn. Since you left I became a main tailor in the house. It’s kinda funny ‘cause the only thing that I really can’t do is hats. But I’m trying. Sometimes I work in your room. It just feels like you are right here, right beside me and you watch me. I hope you don’t mind me here.” Scott: “Hello, Martyn. I’m sorry.” Bek: “HOYYYYY MARTYYN!!!  You WILL NOT BELIVE THAT!! Me and El are !!OFFICIALLY!! married!! Yep! I did it! Acho was our priest! I hope you are proud of me!  Sometimes when she says something incredibly cheesy I look around hoping that I’ll hear you scuff or laugh. But you are not here. And it’s fine! Truly, it’s okay! I will take care of your room! And your Ratsune Miku wig too!  i miss you” Will: “Hello-hello, Mraty.  How aeu you? Wee doing jusut fine. I hope yu dotoo.  Acho is techin me, how to wiret poems! Its rally fun and i love it. it’s knd hadr to hold a pen but im dong ny best! I wuld luve y to jion us.  Can i aks yo someing? Do you like daises r rsses more? I wnt to decoaret ur door.  With lvoe, Will.” Jimmy: Tubbo: “AT MARTYN. MARTYN RARF. MRATUN. EVERYOEN IS SO DSADD THAT UR GONE BUT URE NOT GONE RIGHN??? UR IN OUR WALLS I KNOW IT!! U WIIUDLNT LEAVE US RIGHT?? RIGHT?? Martyn? You’re here, right?” El: “Martyn. It’s been so long and I’m still not used to the thought of you not being here. That I can’t knock on your door and you won’t be here meeting me with that cocky smile of yours. I know, I should stop hoping. But sometimes I still do. I’m dreaming of your voice. Bek misses you a lot, you know? Sometimes I can hear her crying while she’s cleaning your room. I can’t help her, I would cry too.” Krow: “Dear Martyn: Go Fucking Fuck Yourself.  I fucking hate you. I hate you so much. I hate you more than I hate cats.  I hate you for pushing me into the portal. I hate you for killing Oliver. I hate you because you always were so agressive to our guests. I hate you for leaving. I hate you because you were so dear to everyone. I hate you because you made everyone love you and then YOU FUCKING LEAVE.  I hate you because you made everyone cry. I hate you. You left. You fucking left us. Why? Why? Have I done something? I’m sorry. Please just go back. I’m begging you. Please. Please.” Oli: “’sup mraty  ah i havent said that name in a while. its like a curse in this house. no one talks about u. thats fair. i hate talking about u too.  i know ur not dead. u just better than this. yeah u better than dying. but u left us anyway. why? god if i know. god if anyone knows. but u know i belive thats its a cool reason. like ur saving the world or something. i wouldnt be suprised lol. it doesnt matter. truly it doesnt. whatever you are doing: we still love u. and we trust u. u always will be a shining star for us, a sweet memory.  we love you, Mraty.”

[littlemissprettyprincess]

This is for everyone who seems to be "struggling" with states + what I can suggest + My success story.

-Have you ever been one of those people to reach "that moment" in manifestation where you wanted to be, even if you have never either it doesn't matter. You know how much of an outsider and annoyed/obsessive over loa when seeing other people succeed and couldnt really find what would work for me. Sounds like you, huh? You are not the only one, I'll tell you exactly how to get out of there + master your manifesting skills and a bit of self-concept.

The. answer. is. staring. right. at your face.............................................Yes.

"But anon, wdym by that??" What I mean is that notice how all of these people who post their success stories are in the state of easy/effortless manifestation. Like they mention how easy it is and how effective it is. Thats because of their state, they chose to occupy the state of someone who does the bare minimum in loa and still gets wtf they want. It doesnt matter how many times you repeat your affs, persist, mental diet, you wanna know why you waste energy doing that? Is because your occupying the state of "difficult manifesting", meaning you obsess over it, you try so hard but "nothing" comes, you feel you need to do the most to get it. Notice how all of these points I made fall under the state of "difficult manifestation"?? if you were in that state, those things I just mentioned would've been what you experience. Why?? BECAUSE YOU OCCUPIED THE STATE OF SOMEONE WHO ISNT SUCCESSFUL IN MANFESTING!!!

A thing I def reccomend when using states to manifest is to understand the 4D IS THE TRUE REALITY AND NOT THE 3D. Yes I know you're tired of hearing the same thing but now that you have a shifted paradigm on states, it should be easier. What I did was know that the 4d is the blueprint, kind of put it on the pedestal but not in the negative way. It was a way where I didn't ignore the 3d and affirm against it, but focused on my 4d and stuck with it. Because "ignoring the 3d and affirming agains it" simply implies that your 3d is filled with undesirable things and you affirm against it.

Cause trust me I've been there when I say living in my 4d was making me crazy, but you know why it did? Was because I looked at the 3d for validation/ didnt trust what my 4d is saying. It's kind of like y'know when you like a guy/girl and your friend warns you to stay away from that person but you get annoyed at them because you think what they're saying is bullshit?? Same thing applies. If you dont trust your 4d and realise it creates the 3d and is so much more powerful than what you experience, when will living in the end ever be a fullfilling thing to do? Get it? "Fullfilled" LMFAOO I'm so hilarious, but enough of my corny jokes. Heres a summary

-Be in the state of someone who is a master at manifesting/self concept etc.

-Know that your 4d creates everything, when its done in your 4d, its done in 3d, a simple way to put this is just live in your mind because when you realise that, you change your imagination, you change your reality and there is so much power in knowing that.

-ANNDDD THENNN you can apply everything else like persisting, repeating affs etc.

I got perfect self-concept doing this, like I got compliments today and I felt so confident, I love the way I'm so pretty, like why am I so perfect and gorgeous?

I manifested many straight niggas to like me at my school (im black and gay) let me tell you!!! a nigga stopped and walked back and stared at me to see "Damn who is that??" I was laughing so hard.

Overall my life has improved, I get things to go my way and yeah. thats about my successes. I might start a blog but because of how disrespectful anons are Idk if I should.

-tysm lovies, stay hot nd mysterious, and know how powerful you are!!!! stop wavering!!!!!

omg, thank you so much for sharing this ! i hope this helps some people ! ♡

[whetstonefires]

so the op of that anti-voting post DMed me just now, transcript follows:

slash-dot-com

even if all democratic systems were inherently always going to be "inadequate" i think our american democracy is severely flawed in glaring ways, its just literally antiquated and i think there are much better democratic systems. our voting system is not representative of the people either, which almost everybody admits, i'm not saying theres some nefarious mastermind behind it, but it is a design flaw, whether the flaw was made on purpose or on mistake. its easy to quit american democracy because it doesnt even seem to Want you to participate, like from so many factors its difficult to engage with it in any meaningful way

whetstonefires

yeah it's not a fantastic system

it's just also pretty pointless to try to punish it for that by leaving it in the hands of people who hate you

it won't get its feelings hurt and try to woo us back

i used to be really mad about how stupid and ugly it is but the more history i've studied and the older i've gotten the more it's been like, oh human society is a clown show always

slash-dot-com

but for several election cycles the popular vote nor the general will of the people have even impacted the people who are elected, the people who hate us are in power because the system is designed to benefit them

whetstonefires

i mean?? biden did in fact defeat trump, and the democrats did make gains in congress in both the last two cycles

slash-dot-com

my vote in my state genuinely does not matter in federal elections, in local elections yeah sometimes it does, but there needs to be an overhaul on our democracy and its election process so its more reflective of the people. currently its so broken that voting legit doesnt change anything

biden sucks

whetstonefires

he sucks less than trump tho????

like to a screamingly significant extent

slash-dot-com

i'm trying to make a more general and large scale point than one single election cycle and sitting president

whetstonefires

and i've made my counter point which is that not voting is not a constructive response to the problem

slash-dot-com

doing other things than voting is just as effective if not more so than voting, so not voting in a broken democracy isn't nonconstructive

whetstonefires

and in fact the broad tendency of idealists and leftists to be disengaged from the political process because it's dirty and inadequate, especially at the local level, is the *cause* of many of the systemic problems

doing other things can be constructive, but not voting is a non-action

and advocating against voting is a *harmful* action

so it's not constructive

the other things and the voting are independent of one another

slash-dot-com

thats just really ill conceived, i'm honestly just surprised by that response, you should really think more deeply about this. i'm not sure what you think this way of thinking and approaching politics is accomplishing

and then i couldn't send anything else (it was going to be a ?? because that didn't really follow naturally but before they said that i'd been typing a bit listing all the voting-related activism that it made sense to dip on due to alienation from the process, because energy and funding better spent elsewhere etc, but opposing voting itself was not in the same category) because they blocked me, which is just rude. you started this conversation man!

also i can't figure out how to make tumblr let me block them back.

so i made a post about it lmao.

i still don't know what positive good they think arguing against voting is supposed to achieve. like why is that a good use of energy.

[milkweedman]

hi mr weedman! long time listener first time caller. I was wondering if I could ask some questions about spinning

I’m doing my first spinning on a drop spindle, and I don’t know if there’s a point at which you’re meant to stop and take the yarn off because it’s noticeably heavier than it was when I started - is that ok? partially I’m lazy so it’d be nice to not have to bother but I will if it’ll make a difference to the yarn

I also think I want to ply this at some point. I don’t have a knitty notty, but I do have a ball winder for knitting - I’m thinking I could pull the yarn off the spindle with my ball winder, and then ply from both ends of the cake. is that ok, or should I do two cakes and pull from the middle of both? like would it cause it to untwist somehow if it was the same cake?

also also, in videos I’ve seen people taking the yarn when it’s wet and smacking it - what does this do? is that an important part of the process? I’d be worried about felting!!

thank you 💗

PENIS

DICK

TRANS RIGHTS

PUSSY

hello !

first off, congrats on your first yarn :D second, to answer your questions in order:

yes--it will make a difference to the yarn, eventually. the weight of the spindle affects how fast it spins and how long it maintains momentum. say you have a 1 ounce spindle--thats pretty light, so it should spin pretty fast, and it will, but once youve spun an ounce of fiber on you've got a spindle that weighs 2 ounces, and that will spin slower. if you can fit another ounce you'll have a 3 ounce spindle, and that maybe spin very slowly indeed. this wont have a clear direct change on your yarn because it happens gradually and mainly affects you and how you spin (specifically how much twist you add). that said, you will typically find that an overfull spindle is cumbersome and more difficult to use, and that is the main reason to wind your yarn off. when your spindle is so heavy that it spins noticeably slower and/or your spindle is so full that you struggle to fit more yarn on, that's when you need to empty the spindle or switch to the next one.

yes and yes--yes it's okay to do that (it's called plying from a center pull ball) and yes it may cause some (very little) untwisting, depending on the direction the yarn is spun and the direction the ball is wound. there's some slight controversy over plying from center pull balls as it also causes an uneven amount of twist to enter the plies--the controversy being that some spinners believe that will noticeably affect the finished yarn and others believe it is not noticeable and thus doesnt matter. in any case it won't compromise your yarn. personally i find center pulls really hard to wrangle while plying and instead use andean plying bracelets, which will do the same thing.

depends--if they're smacking it in the air (cracking it like a whip) it's usually to even out the twist and to help it dry faster. if theyre smacking it against a wall or beam or something, especially repeatedly, then they are in fact trying to felt it. accidentally felting and shrinking your favorite wool sweater=bad, felting your yarn before doing anything with it=thicker, more durable yarn. not every yarn benefits from this (a yarn that you want to be airy and drapey obviously shouldnt be felted) but for things that benefit from durability, this can be a valuable effect. i've also heard that smacking yarn can make it puff up more--but havent really seen any proof or study either way. as to whether its important, that's a matter of preference. i always and without fail crack my yarn like a whip to even out the twist. many people are just fine blocking it and letting it dry, or do other things to it. i'd encourage trying it out at least once, but it's not critical.

ive writted more on the subject in my drop spindle guide if youd like more info--theres a section on the various methods of plying (i actually don't think i mentioned center pull, so i should probably revise that one of these days) that might be helpful if you decide not to ply via center pull, and might answer other questions you didn't know you had yet.

[thesrctsoftheuniverse]

so over the weekend (literally two days) i watched 16 of the 18 episodes of season 3....... so here's my thoughts!!!!

i've already professed my love for the characters more than enough but i just need to remind everyone that i am sosososo in love with all these fucking characters, what a truly insanely likeable lineup of different personalities

eddie getting buck to babysit chris so he stops being stuck in a depressive spiral.... genius

the earthquake episodes last season were insane, but the tsunami disaster?????? off the charts. the scenes with buck and chris were fucking beautiful, i love this duo and need more of them NOW. buck cares about that kid so goddamn much. and while tired and injured he saves idk how many more people. the way him and chris are fighting for their lives and then buck is desperately looking for chris all while eddie thinks they're completely safe. eddie was freaking out last season because his son was stuck in a school, but he was calm during this disaster because he was with BUCK. it makes me so emotional. im sosososo glad that i had seen the outcome of chris being found before watching the episode bc idk how people who didnt know that beforehand could handle it. the scene with eddie finding buck with chris' glasses???? im going to start crying. and after all of that for buck being so sure eddie wouldnt trust him anymore only for him to drop off chris again like its nothing?? im going to sob

from what i have read online the lawsuit storyline is a very divisive topic in the fandom. i kind of see both sides. i can see that buck thought his hands were tied and that the only family he had was replacing him. but i know at the same time that it's an overreaction. bobby didnt have any reason to have buck stay on leave for that long when chimney proudly proclaims he went back to work after only a couple of weeks. i understand that bobby cares about buck like a son somewhat, but he was not being fair. buck also shows that he didn't really want to cause as much hurt and friction between them by apologising again and again and not even thinking about accepting the money, going back to the 118 even though he knew they were going to make it difficult for him. it was a tricky situation, but im glad they moved on from it fairly quickly.

the fight club eddie storyline is kind of wild????? also did he ever get any reporcussions from bobby for that??? men will literally do anything but talk about their issues and deal with their feelings. what an insanely gay thing to do.

love eddies conversation with bobby where he starts crying. eddie should cry more often (i say this with love)

lena im in love with you, do you like women?

chris' english teacher is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo beautiful

i truly love seeing athena and her family grow and change over time. the relationship between bobby and michael is so important to me. i love them together. and michael's tumor storyline??? heartbreaking.

love albert!

chimney and maddie i love you two soso much you deserve the world, youre so imporant to me. chimney respecting maddies boundaries no matter what.... im gonna cry (A BABY?????????)

the episode of 911 dispatch being taken over might just be one of the best episodes of the series. i especially loved that we got to see characters that other times didnt get as much screentime. LOVE LOVE LOVE JOSH!!!

the athena begins episode is heartbreaking. and beautiful. the closure at the end, with her telling emmet's mother that they made an arrest. how beautiful. really well done. she never gave up on finding that man.

the eddie begins episode is also beautiful. him cutting the fucking rope???? idk how they want me to believe that he swam to safety but whatever..... anyways he loves chris so much and we got to see more of his and shannon's marriage which i loved. to be fair, he was kind of a shitty father and definitely a shitty husband, shannon was clearly not ok and i understand why she left. doesnt make it right, but i understand it. when he gets stuck underground and buck starts losing his mind, screaming, crying, throwing up and bobby gives him /that/ look. oh kill me now. that man was gonna dig by hand .... i love them.

the episode of buck helping that old veteran feel important and not alone at the end of his life? im going to start crying again. buck truly believes that no one will ever love him or choose him or stay with him forever.

michael talking to harry about what being black means when they encounter police was incredibly moving and heartbreaking. but also important. i just love athena's family.

hen hitting that cello girl with the ambulance...... oh i cried so hard, my heart broke for her. karen and her are so amazing together i love them so much, they truly are each other's rock.

i love the buckley siblings. i love the side characters. i love the main characters. i have so many thoughts.

abby....i understand that she had to get away from everything to find herself ok? but she shoudlve just texted or sent a letter to buck just to give him closure and not let him keep haunting her apartment. i dont like them as a couple, this shit has clearly hurt buck deeply and will not be easy for him to get over. she didnt really seem all to apologetic either at the end. i get it but also why did u have to hurt buck by not ever responding and ghosting him????

got so many funny and beautiful scenes this season, it was amazing!!! truly loved every character. it had that gay ass buddie kitchen scene... lol

but anyways....im already done with two episdoes of season 4 so bye

[castlebyersafterdark]

ok this is so cool youre a gay man! so what would you say needs work most in spicy byler fic land, speaking as a writer who aims for realism...

less reliance on the classic 1-finger-2-fingers-scissor-anal penetration trope... that is too cliche and doesnt account for how difficult anal sex can be?

or is it the emotion? does it read as too much being written by female in terms of the emotional attachment or worldview?

and lastly i keep hoping for a t!will fic where he is transitioning from male to female cos i've never seen it and think it could be such a nice thing in regards to sex organs and roleplay!

(This ended up more general fanfic thoughts, not solely unique to this fandom. But certain things definitely apply.) Under the cut cause I'm bored at work and I rambled:

It's all about the details? Sometimes things read a bit formulaic, like you mentioned. Like fics are running down a checklist because a lot of other fics in every single fandom do the same, so everyone just copies each other. It's fanfic sex. Sex isn't very often... like that. It can be, but ehhh. Depends on what's being written. Is this a hookup? Established sex between a couple in love? First time between an inexperienced young gay couple w few resources? Based on the scenario, things can sound off. Like, the classic 'according to the story, they've only made out w each other before and now they're going right into anal?' Oh this isn't it. I just find a lot of the time the better depictions consider foreplay foreplay foreplay, and not follow that kiss 123 finger then fuck formula, falling into that as a crutch instead of writing something more out of "order." (lol even 3 is a little unnecessary wasting time mentioning if you fuck a lot or write good foreplay or this couple is very comfortable w each other. Consider: the body knows what it wants or doesn't want yet. Relaxation/arousal. It just reads sometimes like, well that's the next step, right? Repetitive.) OR maybe the character is nervous/not relaxed and the preparation process is difficult, that's soooo interesting to write scenes working through that, but I find that kinda rarely depicted because maybe writers don't think it's sexy? It can be, pleeeaase. That's accurate and realistic, too. Do these characters like each other, are they into each other? Actually turn them on! Switch it up, what is happening to the body.

You know know that scene in Friends where Monica is listing off numbers as locations on the body and to vary the order attention is given to each?? That's great, love that no matter the gender haha. And what exactly are the fingers doing in there, sometimes I read stuff and it's like, the ass or the hand does not work like that - just massage and thrust and and find the prostate hahaha. And don't skip the lube or era appropriate substance esp for inexperienced characters! Since a lot of this specific pairing focuses on the early relationship stages. "Just use spit" honey NO he's seventeen and nervous and he's gonna hate that. They're not isolated in the woods or fucking a stranger in a club bathroom (maybe they are, but most of the time they're just in a bed or a couch haha) And that's just a different situation. The scenario honestly just has to make sense and the details all kinda make the story what it is. It's mismatched vibes that throw something off more than any sex act in particular. (these virgins immediately falling into strict dom/sub roles, calling each other degrading names or ill-depicted bdsm right from the beginning of their relationship - has the writer only watched a certain type of porn for reference? Do they think all gay sex is inherently kinky in that specific way?)

I also find that a lot of people in general are uncomfortable writing/depicting rimming so its omitted entirely where in the progression of the scene it would make sense (and I've seen writers across fandoms talking about specifically not wanting to write it) and I guess I get it to an extent, but you're reading/writing gay characters, it's important! Bypass the taboo. It ain't. 😝 Sometimes more helpful than just fingers, to be honest. Strictly focusing on penetration isn't the be all end all goal or only way to write men fucking. (Or women and men or any combo to be quite honest)

I also also find just things that seem kinda silly to me especially when writing young guys - this mostly happens when I'm reading a sfw fic that juuuuust almost goes there but stops before dicks get involved. And I find it really funny because clearly the author doesn't want them to be but based on what I just read - they already are involved, you're just uncomfortable mentioning it for some reason even though you've chosen to ship gay men. It's totally ok to not want to write smut but there's definitely a 'read between the lines' vibe I get sometimes where I can tell the author NEEDS you to know 'hey! Reminder I'm one of the good ones NOT thinking about these characters actually having sex!!' Hmmm. "We should stop before we get carried away" and it's like ok cool but they're already totally hard based on what was previously written. You could have just not mentioned anything but the way things are written sometimes it feels like a fic is inserting a flashing sign at a certain point saying 'STOP! DO NOT THINK ABOUT SEX IN THIS FIC!'

They're teenagers (and I know everyone is different blah blah), and I guess I see a lot of times an unrealistic time frame over the progression of a physical relationship. I think sometimes people want to avoid having characters 'rush into it' and make them wait and maybe the story is playing with themes of repression/unlearning shame, which in this fandom definitely can be an engaging theme, but I read stuff and just feel... these boys wouldn't be waiting as long as implied to actually get physically intimate. There's no way. Hormones and how much they're into each other, its happening. Embrace that. Teenage or young adult guys. Be honest.

Idk there's a million ways to depict sex and I'd honestly worry less about the mechanics of what everyone else does and just... let the story and ideas take you there. Even as someone with a lot of uhhhhh practical experience haha I'll read back my own writing like, ok who fucks like this though? LOL. And it's fine. Fanfic does lend itself to having a fantasy lens, its not always hyper realistic, and i don't think it really needs to be one hundred percent meticulous. Translating actions and feelings and sensations into prose can be soooo awkward to word and strange to describe. If you had fun being creative the writing shows instead of 'well I guess I'm writing a sex scene and I'm embarrassed about it so I'll just copy what everyone does' nahhh. Have fun, get things wrong, get weird with it. The oddest little detail changes and adds a lot. 😘

[girlhorse]

I understand you might not want to share, but if you dont mind, what happened? no judgment of course shit happens

under cut bc its long and boring kinda but i need to vent lol

it's like... literally nothing. not even interesting really. when i got hurt last week it was while breaking company safety policy - in the salon I'm in, literally everyons breaks several policies daily, bc our manager doesn't enforce them and most of us including me don't know the actual rules because of this. I got "caught" essentially because i got injured, so now my boss has been giving me so much shit for it. I'll concede that i knew i was breaking the rules leading up to the incident, but it was a rule i thought was "safe" to break in that particular salon bc i was told it was ok by another employee that worked there.

fwiw i still don't think what i did caused the incident to occur, they are only related in that they happened close together. and it doesnt matter if they're not related bc corporate will see them as related either way

on top of this my boss since i started has been really hard on me for seemingly no reason. She called me rude & irritating to my face many times, which stopped after we had a meeting with the gm. she consistently has accused me of things i havent done and has it in her head that I'm slow at my job and incompetent.

I struggle to understand what she wants from me. Recently I left late due to being stuck on a difficult groom that was taking a long time, ans her response was to accuse me of purposely staying late (again mind you) in order to make more money ig. She then continued to threaten me with retraining. today i left on time despite having a busy day, after asking her if she wanted me to stay and clean or if she wanted me to clock out. she told me to clean my station and leave. i did that and I left, and after i left she got mad that i didnt clean and asked me to come back to clean which regrettably i did go back to do like..off the clock lol.

today was the first time ive worked with her since i got injured and since she became like... mad at me about it idk. and shes been kind of being snippy more than anything..i literally had a nightmare about working today last night bc I've been so out of my mind anxious all weekend (her way of communicating that I'm in trouble is to just hint at a looming meeting, tell me shes unhappy and like let me fuckin simmwr with rhat for hours or days) and while she disnt outright yell at me or anything today she just kept making snide remarks or criticizing me constantly, not just privately but in front of others too. today was just so busy and i was anxious and fawning the whole damn day because of it and im exhausted. i worked so hard and did my damn best to please her like..almost subconsciously. i felt like i was dissociating. i was very anxious all day and frazzled and had trouble focusing. it ended up getting me in trouble during closing too.

its just really frustrating bc it only seems to happen to me. My othsr coworkers stay late with her on busy days. and i feel confused about what she expects from me.

[gayspock]

lolz

the complainergaain. i just think its hilairoussometimes how people say that the only optionever is to go get help when its not there insistingthat its jsut something to fuckign tap into. when its literally not there. like what do you fuckingthink. when you dont have anyone to turn to. when youre completely alone in life. and when the systems beyond screwedup and so so so fucking inaccessible and incompetent it willfuck you up so much more as it has done hafter so many attempts. like my godi know thats the only fuckign "option" after so long of failing to ever fucking help myself OR gethelp. i know that. i.e there is no fucking way out!!!! because every fucking avenue is closedoff and a fucking doomspiral into worse bullshit and fucking hoepless and yep yep yep and thats why i know im fuckign killing myself inthe end. etc. etc etc etc. congrats. i fucking feel crazy. does anyone feel fuckingcrazy when youre just fuckign sat there fucking overwhelemdagain because its so fucking pointless and its not worth fighting for but god god god soemtimesman you just ufcking wish it didnt have to be, having mentalfucking breakdowns thinking about how this is the lot you get and its never anything else, and you jsut wish something mattered or workedbut it neverdoes andwhats it like to feel some lvoe thats sincere to not feel so fucking small as everyone jsut ufcking stares at you and judges you forgiving up liektheres anyhting else you can do and going mental nuts fucking trying to find ways out all of them dpeending on support systes and means you do not have and more ufcking hellish fucking spirals being told you need to try the therapy again go through that process again

like yeah yeah fuckingsure go on the waiting list go endureit the fucking months to get through to someonewho doesnt listen again, for your limited run of CBT sessions following worksheets photocopied to hell that uyovbe begged them not to fucking go throguh with you please jsut try something else please fucking please i dont feel humanand like some fucking dickhead who got the one in the million or has the money for private or who isnt on the fucking nhs refusing to understand how it works here "because its free :) youre just turning it down" and well lookat that anyway the limited number of sessions have been cut short Again because its ineffecdtive youre too difficult youre too fucking complicated youre a lost cause oops i cant say that too much of a headcasewhats that um we'll refer you to the.... the three year wait person and you go there and you wait threeyears and its worseits so much worse by now you go there . and the same thing happens again except its harde rhtis time its worse because no fuckign no the way people treat it like its nothing like the wait times arent ufcking agonising like yuo dont just fucking degrade in the in the interim and to thwepoint where what does it fucking matter and even if i tried to goback its starting from the bottom again and i dont knowwhat to do when you cant even fucking communicate properly im sincerely concernedtheres something wrong with me in that way like for real but i dont know what todo about itbecause i cant even talk straight so theyjust fucking blank me "its meant to suck its meant to be bad at first" how many moretimes of that and why does noone fucking believe me when i promise you and i can fucking PROMISE you its not suckingin the way of oh this is a difficultthing to endure to fucking fdealwith at first its s this is sucking in the fucking way thatfeels im just so so utteruly fucking worthless and unheard and have no voice tyype of fucking sucking triyng to fuckign explainthings to people but . having so manyfucking problemswith sut fucking getting words out i feel like such a fucking fialure sometimes i dont know how im ever meant to getanywhere withthem every timei tried to talk imsutered everything p that i could it would just be ignoredplease do this fucking exercise please name every fucking thing you can hear and asee now fucking get out of my office how many times ive done this so many times it deosnt help iM SORRRYYYYY and then peopleget mad at you why doens ti twrok i dont know!! i font fucking know man i wish it fucking worked do you ever feel nuts fucking forcingyourself to dothings overt and over again slwoly fucking going insane realising youre just doing things repeatedly to make otherpeople happy youre getitng worse but it never matters it never matters to people what matters is youmake them feel good and you just want to die you jsut want to die so so fucking badly you wish it meant somethingyou wish . your actual fuckingrepsonses meant somethingbut people jsut dont care theydont care and youre so fucking alone and go god god

and god thats the other one . dotn i know medication isnt going to work on it. insert litany of reasonshere. but every time i think maybe i'll pursue that again fucking try it again nonetheless ebcause im insanely fucking desperate to justhave some fucking relief on it for two fducking seconds but knowing damn well what its fucking likein this country never ever fucking again im not going through all ofthat alone againand because maybe ifthere was someonethere it wouldnt be so abd but theres not and i dont know how totalk to the doctors even when i try reallyfucking hard i jsut feel like im strongarmed into everything evenwhen i try to tell them its really bad and i jsut fucking panic and the last guy who jsut kept getting so fucking angry at me or the fucking bitch i dont remember what number she was that ust kept upping it and upping it when it did nothing pelase its not fucking HELPING!!!!! OHHHH fine go UP AGAIN SHUT UP AND DIE MAYBE and when youre fucking lying there at night and youre still alone as ever and youre ahving nightmares that are starting to rot through your fucking skull remember this is your fucking fault for not doing good enough again and again and again and i feel like im goingcrfazyoh uyouremeant to struggle through it youre meant to fucking feel like youre gooing to kill yourself its meant to be bad do you peopleever fucking hear yourselves sometimes i dontknow i dontknow myself any more because i thinkmy fucking brain is caivng in or has caved in and thepoitn is how. how is any of it meant to work whatsoever. when theres so many fundamental problems thatSTOP it from ever being effective htat you cant deal with that youcant breadown that theresnothing . tof ucking handleOH MY GOD WHOS GOING TO TELL ME THIS TIME THAT IM NOT TRIYNG HARD ENOUGH WHOS GOING TO TELL ME THIS TIME THAT I GIVE UP AND IM A STUPID BRAT WHOS NOT LISTENIN G TELL ME GODDDD MAYBE ^_^?

[br1ghtestlight]

I feel like I was asked this before but like what's your take on Jimmy pesto and him as a father? Like the pesto family, how do you think they're dynamic is cause we don't really see them as a family a whole lot

Cause me personally, think that Jimmy pesto is at least trying to be a good dad, he just messes up sometimes but like he does care about his kids, he's just crap at showing it. @amethysttheanarchist

you have asked this before and i have answered this before but i dont think i went into too much detail..... its an interesting relationship tbh and im one of the bob's burgers fans who doesn't actually think jimmy pesto is an abusive father. if he's a GOOD father is another conversation but i think he's trying!! in his own way!!!

jimmy pesto's characterization comes down to a lot of toxic masculinity internalized homophobia and insecurity which makes him defense and lash out at other people (obviously) he doesn't want to be seen as weak. and jimmy junior's dancing is seen as feminine and weak which is part of why jimmy pesto doesn't like it (i also think he just thinks its annoying and weird 😭)

his kids are all VERY different from him which makes bonding difficult bcuz they're so unashamed of being themselves and expressing their personality/interests vs jimmy pesto who has like 100 layers of interalized toxic masculinity to work through and he's not even CLOSE to doing that. if jimmy jr andy and ollie were more similar to jimmy pesto in their interests/personality i do think he'd have an easier time bonding with them and wouldnt be so cold

BUT IGNORING THAT i truly do believe that jimmy pesto loves his kids and wants to spend time with them in his own way. he was raised to believe fathers arent supposed to show affection to their kids or say i love you etc so he has a very hard time doing that stuff in public (in the water balloon fight episode he does say he loved andy and ollie but he looks embarassed/uncomfortable to be saying that around other people) for fear of judgement but when they're alone he does say i love you to his kids and maybe he even gives andy and ollie a little goodnight kiss. bcuz he DOES love them

andy and ollie are young enough that they'll take any love and affection they can get from their father but jimmy jr is in his angsty teenage boy phase so he gets pretty angry that his dad won't openly acknowledge he loves them or support their interests. yeah he'll attend their school performances etc but he won't say he loves them or he's proud of them in public. and it makes jimmy jr feel like his father is ASHAMED of him and that he doesn't love him enough to openly express that (for example like how bob does with gene) so he resents him. like even if jimmy pesto DOES love his kids does it even matter if he isn't brave enough to say or express that publically?? what is he so afraid of. is it something that andy/ollie/jj did wrong <- from jimmy jr's perspective. he's 13 and doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand his dads issues and how he grew up in society. he just sees a dad who's ashamed of his kids and doesnt like being around them!!

WITH ALL THAT BEING SAID...... i do believe jimmy pesto loves his kids (he has equal custody of them which doesn't seem like something he would do if he didnt want them around) and never for a second considered that he wouldn't want to be their dad or have them in his life. he knows his life would be 100x worse without them and (he would NEVER ever say this to them) they're his proudest accomplishment in life. he has his issues and isn't always the Best dad due to his own experiences with emotionally distant fathers and toxic masculinity but depsite that he's trying his best to be there for him

the last thing he'd want is for his kids to grow up without a father

[coveredinredpaint]

hi! my name is rex too and i think thats pretty cool

anyway, i was wondering if you had any tips on dressing feminine but like,,,, also being able to pass? or tips on being confident enough to not need to pass?

heyy that is pretty cool!!

im gonna be honest with you, i never really managed to pass before starting t. there were like 5 times ppl gendered me correctly but after that they immediatly "corrected" themselves. the only person who didnt was a toddler, i hope hes doing great.

all the tips and tricks ppl gave out never worked for me, never managed to figure out why, im thinking it was mostly my voice.

so i got absolutely no passing advice for you, but i can definitely tell you how to work on your confidence and say fuck you to societies ridiculous expectations

(it turned out longer than i distracted, i cant give concrete advice apparently my apologies)

tw: mention of bullying and some mental health stuff but nothing heavy

before i start i will say that it takes time. it takes time to learn and let go of this need to fit in. to learn to do your own thing even if you have to do it alone. to grow and learn who you want to be or are.

first we need to understand that expectations of how we should act or dress or look, whether based on our gender or not, are absolute bullshit. like straight up made up.

step one is kill the cop in your head. every time you judge yourself (or someone else) for something, ask why you care about that. most of the time its cause you have been taught in some way that what youre doing is not according to "the rules". this can be for the smallest things, like when i get really excited and stim about something i used to feel embarassed because "men dont act like that". sometimes i still feel that way. its not something you can just get rid of, so its important to actively affirm yourself that what youre doing is okay and that you are allowed to do what makes you happy.

dealing with yourself is already a hell of a challenge, but other people, that something else. i hope you live in an accepting area and i have heard many stories of people are queer fully accepted for it. but often thats sadly not yet the case. surely isnt for me at my school. there are people who are gonna make you feel like shit, who are gonna call you all the horrible things the voice in your brain calls you too. you are gonna wish you were "normal" sometimes, even if you dont really mean it.

going back to normal? going back in the closet? letting go of the clothes that make my feel better even on the most dysphoric days? fuck no, i finally started to get myself, my life back, im not sacrificing that for some teens whos names i dont even know. so you turn it around, no longer "why do they treat me like that" but "how dare they treat me like that" if they kick you while youre down you better bite their ankles and dont let go. most people who bully people who are "other" are terrified of what they see in us. we are living proof that their belief of how the world should work is very wrong. they call you a fag and a tranny? you better come to school next day in the gayest clothes you own. they call you an emo and bark at you? you better be dressed even more punk the next day. they may laugh at you, yell at you, even record you or push you around. it doesnt matter, they hold no power over who you are.

but please do not try and carry this alone. dont let yourself turn bitter. its is difficult to be treated like shit for simply existing. even when it doesnt hurt as much as it did its still exhausting. find someone to talk to, whether its a family member you trust, a friend, a mental health professional or other queer people online. its important not to suppress your feelings. get them out, by either talking about them or writing or making art or music.

know that its your life and you can live it however the hell you want. be kind to yourseld, be kind to others. if you are not where you want to be to right now you will in the future. cant really call it a life if you didnt live for it. it will get better, you just got to keep going and keep fighting.

[ruerock]

Hi, can you tell me more about the plot of the DR ocs? No pressure if you don’t want to or don’t have much, I’m just curious! How does the mastermind being the protagonist work?

hi there and thank you for the interest!! the plot i have for them works in a "game" style rather than just a novel but i can try to tell you a little about what ive had in mind for the gameplay :3 i'm gonna put my answer under the cut and hope i'm making sense!!

so about the mastermind being the protagonist! since you're playing as the mastermind, the game becomes a reverse mechanic of what usually is danganronpa! the setting of the killing game stays the same, but this time your priority isn't solving the murder- it is to set up people against each other and make sure to come off as unsuspicious as possible. the sections of the game are separated into three parts before a murder takes place. in the first one you collect motives and in the second and third you establish both a plan to instigate the conflict and give yourself an alibi. therefore the three most important things in the game become: motive, alibi and lies motive first you need a motive to set up the conflict - similar to how you collect "evidence" in normal danganronpa. you discover the motives by talking to different people- you find out their values and personal information as well as what material things are important to them - so you can essentially use it against them. for example let's say Chami has a favorite teacup given to her by her beloved grandpa. You can break the teapot and drop the clues for who could have done it to lead up to a fight between them and Chami. The motives may also come in form of rumours and accounts of others, depending on the case. alibi during the trial, you will need an alibi. you can achieve alibi in two ways. one is spending it with a group of people - this is a safe option since a lot of them can vouch for you. the other is a little bit risky, its spending time alone with just one person. your alibi will not be as stable as if you picked the first option but depending on if you had a pleasant experience with the person you chose, the person will vouch for you during the trial like their life depends on it. if the experience was positive to the max (in typical danganronpa style its the right dialogue options + gift), you will be rewarded with an ally - which means the person not only protects you but also they will back up your lies. the exception to the people who you can recruit as your ally is Yami, as she is the main "antagonist" to you playing as Paris. Like I mentioned before Yami figures out Paris is the mastermind from the start, therefore she will not back her fabrications no matter what. lies similar to "lives" during trials in danganronpa, with every lie that can be proven false, you lose credibility. it can be difficult to maintain and the status of your credibility doesnt reset each trial - it carries through the entire game. you need to remember to tell lies that cannot be proven or better- the ones that work out with the circumstances and makes other think they make sense. for that you can switch between truth and lie bullets ! the goal is obviously to mislead your companions and instigate them, but you'll not be able to "win" the trial as in making others pick the wrong culprit- if that were the case, the game would have ended after the first trial. your priority here is solely setting people against each other and staying unsuspicious while doing so. Paris, however, will not know exactly what happened when the crime took place as she is just a tool to cause havoc so the murder mystery is still a part of the story! she knows who she tried to frame but she does not know the details - the plan could backfire or the murderer could be completely someone else from the person that she set up. you can brainstorm who the culprit is with the rest of the cast, it is even neccessery to help and cooperate at times so your credibility as the charismatic and innocent teammate remains. if you've read this far thank you so much!! i might go over the entire story start to finish once i figure out how to actually put it in words - the shortest i can put it is basically Paris going for that gaslighter of the year title while the most incompatible group on the planet tries to find a way out of the killing game