#can't wait to watch the ones i missed
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really enjoyed the program for this year's final girls berlin brain binge weekend <3 everything should be uploaded on their youtube in a week or two but these 4 i'd recommend: the horror of hair; bathory’s daughters: the lesbian vampire and leather ritual; women in trauma within horror; the ghosts of gothic arthouse cinema
#currently watching the maternity horror panel but it's making me depressed ngl#can't wait to watch the ones i missed#why is tumblr legit moving the link to different words in the post?
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The Expanse | Season 1 (2015-16), Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby
#the expanse#theexpanseedit#aaaah i missed my space babies so much!#excellent first season#so much foreshadowing is unreal!#knowing what comes next most of this season felt like an introduction#also i realized how much i forgot and how far apart the season were from one another#and i can't wait to have a coherent idea of the whole show watching them back to back#tv 2024#i made this#i just want a tag for the things i personally put out into the world
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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LOVE how interview with the vampire is just men competing about who's the biggest bitch
#txt#saskia talks#iwtv#SO SO SO SO GLAD IT'S BACK!!#finally got around watching the first 2 episodes of s2 and GOD what a thrill#i missed it#can't wait to see who wins the competition#the characters in this show god!!!#like technically i think daniel is the biggest bitch despite being the most normal one there (which is already AMAZING)#but this season armand & louis are really giving him a run for his money#also just wanna say claudia you are exceptional i love u so much#not sh
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so from my academic research so far, the few times when things are going pretty good/world not currently ending and nobody's mad and dean is alone with cas, dean's like lit up and appears to be full of joy in a way he never is otherwise so whattaya gonna do? not ship that? 🤷🏻
that would be silly.
#watching spn#i just watched 'heaven can't wait' and the 'I MISS MY BOYFRIEND' vibes are STRONG in that one
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hmmmm having angsty Lights Out thoughts
#i know when i post about it i usually make it Lighthearted if not outright Memey#but oh boy. this au is dark. like - like beyond the literal meaning#imagine being abandoned by your creators without so much as a warning#one day the lights go out and thats it. no answers. no comfort. no friendly faces or explanation#show's over. curtains closed. doors locked. they're all gone#it's just waiting in a pitch black room because surely the lights will turn back on. the next day will come#but it Won't. the next day won't come. it will never come. your friends won't open their eyes again. it's just you now.#you've always had company - friends and the comfort of feeling Watched Over by something beyond your understanding#but you blinked and its gone now. it's just you. no matter what you try or what you do - its. just. you.#days and weeks and moths and years of silence and a complete lack of color#burning matches down to your fingertips just to remember what shade of yellow your fleece is#its still wrong. firelight stains the color.#slowly forgetting the sound of your friends voices and what their smiles looked like and what the memories you made with them were#what was your best friends favorite joke? what was his hotdog order? how did he laugh? he used to pose for your paintings didnt he?#you can't be sure anymore. maybe the neighborhood was always dead. maybe You're dead. how can you tell?#you don't breathe. they don't either. they used to didn't they? you never did but they used to. ...right? you hope their dreams are sweet#one of your friends starts sleepwalking. you're so happy. she hurts you. you know she didnt mean it. you're scared anyway.#you can only see with one eye now. it feels... Wrong. all of your chalk drawings start coming out wrong too.#you keep missing when you reach for things. just one more thing to adjust to#were the lights ever on? or was that your own dream? you thought that was something you couldnt do.#you also thought the lights always come back. you were wrong about that. what else are you wrong about?#wh lights out au#wailing sobbing screaming etc over lights out wally... this poor little 12 apples dude...#aimlessly wandering through the town... walking through the buildings....#eventually getting so fucking lonely and desperate that you keep your best friend's severed arm for comfort#all you can do is protect your eternally sleeping friends from the Things crawling out of the shadows#mark another tally on the ground for each full circle the town clock's short hand completes#and wait for the day you fall asleep and join your friends dreams. it will happen someday.#you can feel it in the pitch seeping from your eyes and mouth. more with each decade that passes#just a little while longer. some more waiting. just you. in the dark.
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My partner finally finished BG3 but has no idea that his ending was actually bad cause he was a pro-Vlaakith githyanki who rode off with Lae'zel but got NO EPILOGUE where Withers points out y'all died im 😭😭😭
they have no idea what happened with Gale or anyone else (who was still alive) after flying away 🙃🙃🙃
#i cant even tell him cause hes gonna play again more “normally”#its so tragic he would like skip dialogue and just fight to get the jump on boss battles instead of waiting for the cutscenes to start#and he didn't exhaust dialogue trees!! like... how... why...#and also he staked Astarion 😭 and p much never reloaded#and didn't clear the shadow curse so no Halsin#also everyone at Last Light Inn died so Dammon was gone and Karlach only got 2 upgrades#and he didnt know moonrise towers was basically a second town#and his game was buggy a lot maybe? cause he kept trying to be hella creative with things and do things out of order#like killing gortash before doing steel watch 🙃#it's fine it's fine everyone plays differently#he tends to care more about gameplay than anything else but still!!#i just want him to know all the character backstories and see everything that made me emotional#i mean he did say he was sad when Lae'zel broke up with him in act 3 and when Karlach died and when he had Gale use the orb in act 2#which he considered his canon ending :/ sigh#i dont think he got Jaheira's lines about death#and he didnt understand why Karlach wouldn't go back to the hells#and he thought Wyll was happy being the duke (and has NO idea you could save his dad cause the mission didn't happen!! 😭)#the iron throne was like my fave mission outside of killing Cazador and I can't discuss either one cause he didn't do them properly yet 😭😭#he also avoided talking to children so he missed those quests and yenna glitched so no cat appeared in camp 🙃#sighhhhh cannot believe he plays so differently than i do lollll#he didn't even do unlimited kisses with Lae'zel!! meanwhile im over here kissing Astarion every night hahahah#hoping my partner doesn't see IRL if I have the office door open as if it matters lmfaooooo#i need him to play again and see why im in love with a video game character lol#maybe we could both um... benefit from knowing more about all of Astarion's scenes lmao#but like he has NOT SEEN Astarion's silly or sweet side yet just him being a bit of a chaotic vampire#and thinks i like him cause of vampires WRONG!! play the game again and see that i love his silly & sweet real self!#bg3 spoilers#baldur's gate 3 spoilers#bg3#baldur's gate 3
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I ASSUMED IT WAS GONNA BE THE CHICK. HOW CAN IT BE FUCKING LESTER??????!!!!!???!??!!?!??!?!?!
#beth watches tv#omitb#i was watching from the beginning so#i managed to miss the whole season as it was coming out#what the actual fuck#you can't kill lester!!!#i can't wait til the final season when it's revealed that Uma was the mastermind behind all of the killings#honestly I was wondering who they were going to kill off to connect the next season#I'm glad it was an actual Building person#not just some rando who happened to die in the building like Ben was#I was really not much of a fan of the last two seasons#they just didn't feel quite the same#but this season#through a few bumps#felt like season one again
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Anyway. 150 days left until I see TMBG.
#i already counted down 150 days. and 100 days left until i see them before#but the tour was postponed a full year so we're doing this again#it was going to be my first 'proper' concert but due to the delay i got the chance to already go to two other concerts earlier this year#they were both amazing and exactly the type of thing that's been missing in my life before as it turns out#i'm very glad i went and they really made me even more excited for this upcoming one#because now i can kind of imagine what it might look like#just seeing all these people with their band shirts was such an amazing moment#i can't really imagine seeing dozens of people in tmbg shirts even though it IS going to happen#and that's mostly because i have met ONE tmbg fan in real life#and overall it's incredible how completely unheard of they seem to be where i live#all those music store sellers who are like 'who???' when i ask them about tmbg#at least there was this one guy who not only knew who sparks are#but also told me all about annette and who plays in it and where to watch it#so yeah. still feels far away but maybe i can already start getting excited again. this time it's gotta happen#and my london trip!! and first plane flight!! it's gonna be so fun#i've been waiting for this for a year and a half already auughhhh#when the time for my dream trip finally arrives i won't be shutting up about it for even a day#goosepost
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i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be
#no it's not pms :( Jeremy is still missing and i haven't slept well waiting for him#it's getting so cold too#all my ''''progress'''' this year means nothing to me#also my sister is here because she didn't have to work yesterday and today and my brother video called her not knowing she was here#and when she picked up he was all cheerful and happy and it sounded like they video call often#(he texted me only a few times when he moved to the north and not a single time since he moved to Argentina)#and when he realized she was here he sort of got quiet and asked if i was around and she pointed the camera at me which always makes me sic#so i didn't look or wave and i didn't say anything and he said “she's got he headphones on” and my sister said no lol and it was awkward#then she told him we are all sad about Jeremy and said me in particular#i've been so sad and moody and angry#i can't do anything because of this anguish i feel#can't read or watch movies because i can't concentrate#i watched the emperor's new groove the other day to cheer up a little but it made sad#nostalgia doesn't work for me when i'm down like this because i see through it lol and i remember i spent my whole childhood scared#i remember i was certain something bad would happen to me (and it did but not as tragic as what i was scared of)#i'm rambling. i should be journaling instead#...#Keanu is with me now and i can't even look at him without tearing up because i start thinking about Jeremy#it's so cold and he's probably hungry. if he's even alive#the cats are all i have. i spend more time with them than with the only 2 humans i can interact with without throwing up (mom and sister)#you know how they say cats mirror twhe personality of their humans :( Jeremy is exactly like me. my mom and siblings used to joke about it#he hides when people come over to the house:( he pees himself when strangers touch him :(#we have the vet come over so we don't have to take him out of the house#and the vet is the only person he's forced to see. he pees himself when she touches him too#i can't stop thinking about how he's doing if he's still alive because he gets scared so easily and he's so anxious#i'm so angry because i should go outside and look for him but i can't even picture myself out of this house#i feel so betrayed too. because one thing is my stupid sick head thinking there's no amount of therapy or meds that could work for me#but why is my family listening to me when i say these things. why don't they get me lobotomized or something#maybe it is a bit of pms#📓
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That playlist though. Oh no. OH NO! Feelings for and about Mulan. Right through the heart. I love "Another Love" so very much, but I'm often said when you watch some fanedit and it's kinda missing this beat how, well, the previous/other/first love was so all consuming, that finding something new is hard. Now you make me think about Sleeping Warrior vs Red Warrior here, OBVIOUSLY!
Mulan hitting rock bottom, wandering around aimless after leaving Aurora, because obviously she didn't join Robin. And we see her in that tavern, given up on honor (her truest of loves, clearly). Hitting the other direction of her whole character so hard. Meeting Ruby is nice, but falling for her doesn't come easy at all. She had her hopes set up on Aurora and it destroyed her completely, now where is the energy to muster up the courage to go for a second round?
~And if somebody hurts you, I wanna fight But my hand's been broken one too many times~ HELP! I'M DYING OVER HERE WITH THE IMAGES!! Thinking back to the intensity of the first time and while wanting love not being able to go for it... yeah, very canon, very tragic.
I'm listening through the whole thing, but I saw it ends with Marina. Great. The only thing more devastating would have been a Florence song. Marina's voice alone can carry this specific kind of melancholia/sadness... ~I'm a nomad [...] no sweet home~ Yeah, a Mulan song. What a choice. Never meeting anybody from her past, not getting her own happy ending.
Also, yes to the thing you said - she is so terribly stubborn. They gave us a fullfledged 3dimensional character with flaws, who would also bring a very useful skillset to the table and with more time all those walls she clearly build could have been torn down by the right person. Damn.
(Maybe I should finally cave and get spotify, make things easier. lol)
Another Love THEE reason for this playlist! At least, when I listened to it some years ago, it was the first (and for a while the only song) I had on her playlist. Because it was so perfect for her!! and I HAD to have it on some kind of Mulan playlist.
But YEAH!! Mulan's heartbreak over Aurora is so evident in season 5 and it really changes her as a person. And she becomes so bitter and so jaded (and then canon doesn't even give her a happy ending and she has to third wheel AGAIN 😭)
But when you throw Ruby into the mix? Oh boy, I'm VERY here for this. It won't be easy for either of them (Mulan struggling to open up and put herself out there again and with Ruby viewing herself as a monster still and worrying about hurting Mulan if they're too close) but...if they were both able to work up the courage and power through any of those issues... 👀
Also, see, I think it's such a shame because I feel like Mulan IS three dimensional, yes! But sometimes fandom (very broadly speaking) treats her like she's not. And she gets watered down into this kind of 'girlboss' character. And yeah, she IS a girlboss! Sure! But she's kind of a dork-ass-loser as well sometimes and she takes things way too seriously and she's so closed off.
Anyway, the point is that, like many ouat side characters, Mulan deserved so much more from canon.
#I really do have to thank mulan specifically <3 because (and I apologise because I HAVE said this before but)#she was the one that made me want to watch ouat in the first place#because (via internet osmosis) I thought that sleeping warrior was canon ashbdhaiushdasd and that was THEE reason that I started watching#(and also the reason I didn't STOP watching after the first few episodes. because idk I couldn't get into Once at the start.)#(but I powered through cause I knew mulan and aurora were in season 2)#I really really do love ruby/dorothy btw#but hdfgjdfgkfgdgdkgf all this talk about ruby/mulan lately has made me SO unreasonably excited about them#it's actually been SO long since I've seen s5 of once#(mostly because I don't really like the season over all (outside of a handful of episodes))#but I can't wait to actually get onto s5 just to see mulan again. I'd forgotten how much I'd missed her#asks#<:) thanks for hopping in my inbox. I'm so happy that you're enjoying the playlist#ALSO YEAH...I should have looked into a florence and the machine song for this playlist
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i want to get started on the Full Hands List but i am waiting on my apartment people for scheduled maintenance and i don't really want to start until they leave but i also have no idea what time they'll make it to my apartment so we're just playing the waiting game now
#at my old apartment i was one of the first to get the maintenance bc my apartment number was just higher on the list#so it was usually around 10-11am#but im much further down now and idk how long it'll take#this isn't my FIRST TIME having the preventative maintenance in this apartment but the last times i just went to bed and got woken up#when they knocked#bc i was still on nights and i had no idea how long it'd be and didnt want to stay awake#and i did NOT check the time when they finally arrived#i just let them in and waited until they left so i could go back to sleep lmao#so#we'll see ig#I'm also splitting this into 3 days instead of don't all 3 seasons at once ill do a season a day#largely bc of time in general and how it's like. 12 hours of show.#and im be starting late today bc of *gestures at post*#but also it's going to be LONGER cus i have to pause every time hands shown up so i can note the timestamp#which ofc makes the whole process much. MUCH longer as seen with s3's preliminary run lmao#ough#I'm talking so much jdfjjsjd#also just my attebtion span is NOT great and i need to actually be WATCHING THE SCREEN THE WHOLE ENTIRE TIME#and can't be checking my phone or anything#cus ill miss shots!!!!#i missed at least 2 on my og s1+s2 list and im sure i missed others#i also have to decide how to count the montages#cus there'll be like 2 shots of hands immediately one after the other in the montages#sigh#......... I'll probably count them separately. just for accurate numbers.#which ofc means that ALL of my bonus aren't QUITE right rn cuts ik i lumped montages together#lmao#oh this will be so much fun#shh ac#young royals
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#going a bit insane over micah nemerevers these violent delights#no i'm not becoming a book blog but I'm rediscovering an old passion#books feel like my first language of fiction and they are#and this one is so beautifully insane and intricate and the characters are so fantastic and their relationship so natural yet wild af#it's like watching two buildings slowly collapse into each other and in the end you can't find which pieces belong where anymore#but they're definitely both shattered and they would probably still be standing if they hadn't been so close to each other#both of them started out with such potential for so many things but brought out the worst versions of themselves in each other I LOVE IT#[their names are paul and julian btw. yes they're gay]#it's like they were waiting for someone to come along and utterly wreck them and they probably were#and if this sounds like they were violent with each other they weren't really at least that wasn't the point most of the time#they loved each other so completely but also so brutally that they fed each others fears and insecurities more than anything else#they'd have done anything for each other AND THEY DID and that was the catastrophe#it is such a fantastic book#obsesses with the way julian clearly only starts smoking when he meets paul fully aware that he is already missing half a lung
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I had actually forgotten how much I love the 6x16 and 7x01 episodes of The Walking Dead. You know it's good storytelling and good television when you know what everything that happens and every piece of dialogue and are still as tensed as the characters and blown away by everything.
#such a good era#I can't remember when I stopped watching because of the decreasing quality of the show#but i'm kind of curious to know where it's going now that I don't have to wait one week to know what happens next#I'll forever miss Rick Grimes tho#i love him so damn much#the walking dead
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its been almost a year and i still haven't watched the last episode matpat hosted for game theory. i just couldn't and still can't bring myself to watch a video that shows with no room for misinterpretation that that part of my life is far in the past. i hadn't even been watching more than like a handful of gt vids a year for years at that point and i still couldn't watch that last episode. i want to at least watch the final live stream he hosted for gtlive this week but i also can't bring myself to even click on it. like i watched a bit of the first episode ash hosted on their own and i still haven't watched the aforementioned stream. instead i have been rewatching the vods from the first couple eras of gtlive bc those are the ones that really stuck with me ever since i started watching gtlive in like 2016. thanks matt and steph for making me not want to kill myself. jason and chris you guys were there too.
#that's a joke i love them too but also it's not about them right now it's about the parasocial parents i had in like 2016-2018#the fnac3 stream where they cheesed night 6 is still kino to me. they changed the camera angle. we got to see the game on the monitor#that was peak. rocked my world#as for the other channels i need to be honest ive hating on them from afar. ill read the comment sections for controversies#and when there are time stamps i will skip to them to be like <wow that's fucking bad>. case in point im still not over the tbob video#how the fuck did they make a full ass episode on the book when NOT A SINGLE MEMBER OF THE TEAM READ THE BOOK IN FULL#not shitting you. they had who knows how many people on their team working on that episode and not one of them sat down to read the whole#book. it takes like 3 fucking hours to read tops. no fucking wonder they literally just entirely missed one of the most central themes#in it (bill's capacity to love ford. gayly). i wrote a hate comment on it without watching the whole ep bc i fr can't stand watching it#most content farm ass shit ever i feel embarrassed watching the film theory videos specifically. i also still haven't forgiven them for the#plagiarism in that episode. i know most of the people affected were fine w the apology but objectively that was a shit ass apology#they made money off that video and you're fine w them releasing their apology on REDDIT? bye#my feelings on game theory as a whole are . Nuanced And Complex. yea#chirp chirp!#game theory#since i guess that'll be my umbrella tag for this now#wait also in general film theory is the one i hear controversies abt the most. Do Not Like Its Host. smth abt him siding w bigoted star war#fans in one episode??? and amatonormativity in the chicken nugget theory. not a fan of either so idk but the handling of gf puts me off#from giving the benefit of the doubt. also there was a new gf theory like yesterday but no controversy from the comments ive seen so idc
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Chances of your childhood cat reincarnating into a near exact replica of herself just to choose another lifetime with you are low, but never zero 💜
I love you both to the moon and back, my babies. Rest easy, sweet girl💜 I'll take care of her, don't you worry.
#pet loss#pet grief#griefandloss#dealing with grief#grief#childhood cat#childhood pet#my sweet girls#the first one is Dove and the second(grown) is Nyla#I'm watching my best friend grow up all over again and I'm so emotional#i miss you so much Ny#you were a good girl#she's already so much like you#i can't wait to see if her eyes are green too
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