#camus memorial

[shiningwonderland]

Camus (All Star) Memorial

Translator: Mimi (Twitter: _mimisaurora)

Love End Memorial - I Shall Obey You Unconditionally

I was awakened by the morning light filtering through the shoji doors.

…It was a bit chilly.

I was startled by the thought. I’m feeling chilly?

I gradually became more alert and aware of the situation. I was not in my room but lying on a futon in a Japanese inn.

I normally sleep in a warmer manner, so it might make sense to feel cold sleeping in this way.

Despite the cold, the left side of my body felt pleasantly warm.

I brushed the hair out of her face and moved to look at her, finding her peacefully sleeping close to me.

“...Haruka.”

Right, I must have fallen asleep last night.

She seemed blissfully unaware that I had woken up, and continued to sleep soundly.

Moving… might wake her.

It was still too early to get up. I should just hold her in my arms for a while longer to keep warm.

That's what I would have liked, but Haruka's eyelids twitched slightly, my movement most likely disturbing her sleep.

“...Nn…”

Soon her eyes flutter open.

She was still not entirely awake, but will gather her bearings for a few moments.

“Are you up?”

“Ah!”

I called out to her and she snapped to look at me with an unexpected noise.

“C-Camus-senpai…?”

“...You’ve got quite the pipes.”

“S-Sorry…”

She was wide awake in a flash, and I was amused to see her blushing face.

“I thought I’d heard it all last night, but this one will keep me entertained for the foreseeable future.”

“Eh… Ah… Ugh…”

Haruka turned redder and redder. It was a delightful view, but then she started trying to obscure her face with the comforter.

…Now it’s cold.

“Don’t steal it all. I’m cold.”

“I-I’m sorry. B-But…”

“Give it here.”

I grabbed onto one of the edges of the comforter and pulled on it.

I don't usually feel the cold, and I didn't think I could stand it.

“B-But I…”

Haruka, who was normally a quiet girl, stood her ground and pulled back with a surprising amount of force.

We each grabbed a piece of comforter at each end, and tugged at it for a while.

“You dare defy me?”

“It was never my intention… but I can’t let you have this.”

“Guh… Give it up already.”

“Hn… No… I won't lose.”

Like children, we fought over the bedding in our room at the inn, bathed in the morning sun. 

When it finally dawned on me, I couldn't help but smile, finding the whole scene oddly funny.

Haruka's hands momentarily relaxed their hold, perhaps surprised by my sudden smile.

I seized the opportunity to take the comforter away from her.

“Ah…”

“Hmph. Good. You have a cute face, so there's no need to hide.”

“H-Huh…!?”

Haruka was absolutely panicked. She’s so interesting. 

I felt compelled to tease her a little more.

“But if I'm being completely honest, I wish you'd stayed asleep a little longer.”

“E-Excuse me?...”

“It’s not the first time I have caught you sleeping, but today you were especially adorable, and I would have liked to have been able to look at you longer.”

“!? H-H… H-Hold on….”

“What is it? Is something wrong?”

I knew what was flustering her, but decided to play innocent and ask anyway.

In spite of her confusion, she still answered honestly.

“No, I-It’s just that… hearing you say that I’m cute… It’s a bit… Please just stop making fun of me.”

“I didn't mean to make fun of you.”

I brushed the tip of her nose with my finger.

“I actually always found you to be cute.”

“Huh!?”

There's a new kind of noise again.

Her face certainly couldn’t get any redder and steam would probably start rising from her head if it could.

It was hilarious.

I broke out into a fit of uncontrollable laughter, but it seemed like her little show was over.

How boring.

“Um…”

“What?”

When I asked, she hesitated a moment and then laid her head on my chest.

“I’m… happy.”

Hn…!!

It admittedly caught me somewhat by surprise.

I reached out and brushed her cheek, tightening up my expression so that she wouldn't realize how flustered I was, and I felt how tense she was.

“What is it?”

“Is it wrong for me to assume that you approaching me means you'd like me to touch you?”

“No… That’s not…”

“Hm. You're cute when you're like this, too.”

I took advantage of the opportunity to whisper in her ear, and she jerked.

“Ah, stop it already…”

“What can I say if it’s the truth? I’m a terrible liar, you know.”

“Guh… You’re… lying….”

“How rude. It saddens me to hear you doubt me like that.”

“I-I’m sorry….”

“Well then, you must admit it. Ah, right. You were even lovelier than usual last night.”

“Hn!!! Aaah, last night, that…”

Haruka, reminded of the night before, blushed profusely and tried to turn her back on me.

It would be a shame to miss out on seeing the look on her face, so I stopped her by holding her by the shoulder, and she looked like she was about to cry.

“L-Let go…”

“Is that an order?”

“No, it’s not…”

“Then I won’t.”

“But…”

“You've been jumpy for a while now. Don’t you feel comfortable when you're with me? It's a pity really, because I feel quite at ease with you.”

“D-Do you really…?”

“Hm?”

“For me… Whenever we spent time in the living room together, I found myself feeling very at home, so I do feel the same way.”

…She was being very earnest about this one, again.

I do remember how relaxing it was when Haruka would play the piano and I sat on the sofa to read books.

“Yeah, I enjoyed those moments too.”

“Now we… can enjoy our time together like that again in the future.”

“Mhm… I find it strange though that we're having this conversation at this point.”

Haruka beamed. 

Finally, she smiles.

“I was so smitten with you that it was difficult to focus on anything. That's why it was a problem.”

“Oh… I-I’m…”

She tried to cover her face again and I held on to her hands to stop her.

“I told you not to hide.”

“Uh… But…”

“You think you stand a chance against my capabilities? ….Oh. Your fingers are beautiful.”

It was not the first time I had held them, but I never looked at them so intimately.

Her fingers were much slimmer and softer than mine.

I never imagined that the day would come when these hands would touch me like this, but one never knows.

“Your hands are so small… and yet you can masterfully play the piano with them.”

“Y-Yeah… Somehow…”

“You’re small too.”

“And you’re pretty big.”

“I'm a little afraid I might break you. It'll be tricky since I now have to bend down every time I want to kiss you.

“Uh… R-Right. I guess that’s true…”

Haruka blushes again. 

I should get used to it by now.

“I-I'll just do my best to make myself taller so that I don't cause you too much trouble.”

“I’d… appreciate it.”

I reach out to touch her cherry-red cheeks and turn her to face me.

“Although… it wouldn't be a problem if we were lying down like this.”

Just as we were, I quietly brought my face closer to hers.

“Hyah!”

…Another interesting noise.

“...Now don’t take the blanket. It’s cold.”

Haruka snatched the comforter from me in an instant, covered herself completely with it, and did not come out.

I heard her muffled voice coming from under the cover.

“But… I’m embarrassed…. I can’t do it….”

“Hey.”

She wouldn’t budge no matter how I pulled on it.

…She leaves me no choice.

“....Please remove the blanket, Haruka-sama. Allow me to behold this flower's countenance.”

With a whisper, the entire comforter twitched.

I tried to tug on it, but she refused to come out.

“Do you intend to refuse to appear, like a goddess who hides behind a rock door? What should I do for you to show yourself to me? Shall I sing you a song?”

“...I do want to hear you sing. But… It won’t get me to come out…”

It was obvious she didn’t know how to respond. She really was so conscientious.

“...Do you hate this Camus so much that you don’t even want to look at him?”

The moment the words left my mouth, she removed the comforter.

“A-Absolutely not!”

“That's wonderful to hear.”

Smiling, I take the comforter. 

Hmph. I warned her she was no match for me.

“I wouldn't be able to live with the thought of you hating me.”

“U-Um… I wish you would stop talking that way…”

“And why would that be?”

“You sound very sweet, and although it makes me happy, at the same time, it makes my back tickle.”

“...Oh.”

I used the chance to bring my face closer to breathe out her name on her back when she freaked out and resisted.

“A-And I'm also afraid that I might forget w-who the real Camus senpai is…”

“You say such interesting things. I've said before, both sides are me.”

“B-But…”

“If you don't understand, this is who I am. It's more fun this way. If you are ever unsure, just ask your heart.”

I looked her in the eye and asked slowly.

“Now. Please tell me. Is the person you see right now your beloved Camus?”

“Yes…”

“Very good. By the way, I believe I have told you how to compel me to do your bidding, correct?”

As a matter of fact, I've been a little frustrated for a short while now.

“Ah…”

I glared at her lightly, and with that, Haruka finally seemed to understand what I was trying to get across.

“Um… Please go back to your usual self, Cryzard.”

“Hm. Understood.”

I nodded and she immediately looked relieved. Interesting indeed.

“Well, then, now you'll do as I say.”

I place my hands on her waist and pull her close so that she won't cover herself with the comforter any more.

I looked into her eyes and asked gently.

“...Is this right?”

“Y-Yeah!? B-But…”

“It's a little chilly, so I'd appreciate it if you could hand me the coat over there.”

“Huh…? A-Ah, okay… You’re talking about the hanten over there, right?”

“Yes? What did you expect?”

There she goes with those expressions again.

Amused, I brought a hand to her chin and turned her to face me for a better view.

“Of course, you don't mind if it doesn't meet your expectations, do you?”

“I-I…”

“So what shall you do, Haruka?”

I slowly called her name and traced her cheek with my fingertip.

She seemed flustered, but eventually her eyes fluttered closed and she nodded her head.

...What a good girl.

I began to laugh-

And the comforter was pulled from behind me with a yank.

“...Who’s there?”

“Arf!”

I shifted my gaze and before I realized, I was looking at my dog, who was standing nearby.

“...It’s you, Alexander.”

He places a tennis ball he'd gotten from who knows where at his feet, wagging his tail happily.

“You want to play….? I’m kind of busy right now.”

“Bark!!”

“...”

Alexander, not wanting any complaints, pulled on the futon even more.

“You… were so thoughtful last night.”

I glare at him and he innocently turns his head.

When I turned away to ignore him, I was met with Haruka's worried gaze.

“Um… You should go.”

“No, but…”

Alexander continued his best to tug at the futon.

I felt puzzled, and Haruka smiled.

“I'm not going anywhere. We'll be together forever, won't we? Hm? Please go ahead and play with him, Cryszard.”

…Guh.

Now that she’s mentioned my name, I had no excuse but to obey.

“Understood. I’ll go.”

I gave a wry smile and nodded, Haruka smiled happily.

“Good. And Cryzard, after you finish playing with Alexander, have breakfast with me.”

“It would be a good time to do it. That would be fine with me.”

“Great. The food is known to be very delicious here, so I'm looking forward to it.”

“What? We stayed here a few days ago.”

“That’s the thing… I was worried about a lot of things then and…. Let’s just say I didn’t get to see what the food tasted like.”

I see. 

We were in a bit of a predicament at the time.

“And also… Can I ask for one more thing? I’d like to walk around the inn and go back to the open-air bath one more time… Cryzard.”

“Hm… That will be easy.”

I was aware of how my gaze softened as I looked at her.

We have not only today, but the rest of our lives together, so I can fulfill that little wish any number of times. It will be granted.

“But that now makes four wishes... you may appear humble, but are really quite a selfish master.”

“I-I would never mean to… If you don’t want to, then don’t…”

“Don't get so easily shaken up by every little thing. If I'm to obey you, then be proud.”

Having been watching us, Alexander barked as if he’d finally lost his patience.

“Fine, I heard you. Let’s go play, Alexander. But first, bring me my clothes.”

“Arf!!”

After watching Alexander frolic away, Haruka and I looked at each other.

“Ah, that’s right. ….Cryzard.”

“Yes?”

“Good morning. I just realized I hadn’t said it to you yet.”

I watched as my beloved quickly bowed her head and I smiled once more.

“Of course. Good morning.”

[amicus-noctis]

“We look at the world once, in childhood. The rest is memory.” ― Louise Gluck

Photo: from Andrei Tarkovskys "The Mirror" (1975)

[stranger2myself]

I will forever be the little girl i once was, she lives inside of me and sometimes in the mirror's reflection i see her.

- Curator.

[philosophybits]

All those words uttered ... among friends for instance, which go back to the staggering host of lost words that no one will ever know. Compared with that host, what history records is a drop of water lost in the sea.

Albert Camus, Notebooks, 1942-1951

[mournfulroses]

...a certain hunger of the soul which feeds on memories.

Albert Camus, from a diary entry written in January 1941

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

“Believe me there is no such thing as great suffering, great regret, great memory....everything is forgotten, even a great love. That's what's sad about life, and also what's wonderful about it. There is only a way of looking at things, a way that comes to you every once in a while. That's why it's good to have had love in your life after all, to have had an unhappy passion- it gives you an alibi for the vague despairs we all suffer from.”

― Albert Camus, A Happy Death

(Philosophy Insights)

[acknowledgetheabsurd]

Yes; something deeper, more serious and more true than my already worn out and helpless imagination, has held me back to you, to us, to myself; it is the earth, the sky, the sea, the breath that you have put in me; it is the life that I have only really known since you are there in me; it is this dull pain that rumbles in the middle of me, this endless stretching towards a goal that seems to me every day more distant, more elusive, more abstract but also more necessary and more vital. By what miracle must I love you more as your image moves away from my memory? I don't know, but that's the way it is and I know of no greater suffering than that of one who tries in vain to recreate dear and disappeared trappings.

Maria Casarès to Albert Camus, Correspondance, February 6, 1950 [#173]

[allthedesiredusernamesaretaken]

“ Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower. ”

― Albert Camus

📷 mine

[booksandteaandstuff]

“But the heart has its own memory and I have forgotten nothing.”

Albert Camus, The Fall

https://bookshop.org/a/12010/9780679720225

[philosophybitmaps]

[shiningwonderland]

Camus (All Star) Memorial

Translator: Mimi (Twitter: _mimisaurora)

Friend End Memorial - How to Quickly Heal Burns

“Huh? What’s that?”

I didn't understand what he was saying at first.

“Camus sounded like he was worried. Please don’t make me repeat myself, Ranmaru.”

He gave me a glance looking pretty annoyed, speaking pretty indifferently.

It was November.

We were in the studio together so I could record the bass for one of Ai’s songs.

It was when we were taking a break that the subject came up.

“I must admit, I was a little taken aback myself. I didn't suspect that even Camus could panic.”

“I remember him being pissed when there was a hidden camera in the dressing room.”

“Oh, yes, I do recall that happening.”

It was part of the show's plan, but Camus must have been pissed because he was putting on a character for work, and it would have hurt his career to have his true personality broadcast.

“He looks pretty collected, but he's prone to getting worked up, isn't he?”

I sometimes hear stories about how he sometimes breaks his stupid little butler character in the middle of a job.

I'm almost impressed how nobody outside the agency has figured out how he really is.

“But this… it’s different from that incident.”

“Huh?”

“He mentioned there was a burn and wanted to know what to do to make it heal faster.”

“That guy burned himself?”

“No, not Camus. It was someone he knew.”

I see.

“I then asked him why he didn’t take them to the hospital, but he clarified that the person who’d burn themselves insisted they were fine, and that it would be difficult to take them anyway.”

“Then, you should just drop it.”

If this person says they were fine, it doesn’t give everyone else the right to start babbling about it.

“Alright…”

Ai’s brows furrow as he thought, clearly not convinced of something.

“Is it common human behavior to worry and fret over others as if it were happening to you?”

…What was that all of a sudden?

“It’s not?”

“Well… Maybe.”

“That in itself is fascinating to me, but I never considered Camus to be capable of such feelings, so this is taking me a bit of time to process.”

“...Right.”

“I always considered Camus to be rather irregular.”

“Then, your impression was wrong.”

“Well… That may be true. What about you?”

“Me?”

“Do you ever get so consumed with worry over other people?”

“Not at all.”

I just wanna be done with this nonsense.

When I tried to reach for the bass guitar, the corners of his lips lifted a little.

“Of course, because you’re a “lone rockstar”.”

“You brat… are you looking for a fight?”

“No way. I wouldn't waste my time like that.”

Finally, the conversation ended.

Or so I thought.

“I assumed Camus was someone who didn't care much for others, but I guess he can sound panicked too... “

Ai was still going on and mumbling to himself, as if he still had something on his mind.

“I don’t understand.”

“Is it possible for a person's nature to change along the way?”

“What could trigger such a thing?”

“Camus lies so much to begin with that it's difficult to choose which pieces of data are reliable.”

“And speaking of unknowns, I wonder what is causing the occasional drop in temperatures observed in the surrounding area.”

…This guy was a complete mystery too.

“Don’t know. Now stop wasting your breath and let’s have a go at this one more time.”

I could still hear him mumbling, but I didn't care, I got up as quickly as I could.

... although I say that.

Thinking back on it afterwards, I really couldn't picture Camus panicking for anyone else.

I remember my earlier conversation with Ai on the way back home from the studio.

He's the kind of guy who considers everyone but himself and his queen to be pests. The sight of him worrying about others is beyond the limits of my imagination.

It's much easier to picture something else. 

Like an alpaca standing on its head.

Or a hamster eating ramen noodles.

Who is he even worried about, anyway?

Camus probably doesn't owe Shining a thing, and it’s not like he gets along with his junior.

“I never… hear anything about his family.”

If this “earl” thing is true and not a farce, then it probably means he ain’t got much family left, since the title is something that’s inherited. 

Could it be a pet, then?

Doesn’t he have one? A cat, or dog…

Horse?

But how the hell would a horse get burned?

“Is it… that woman?”

Then it hit me. 

The composer who always stuck around the guy.

He mentioned they were together on the day we had dinner at his place.

I didn’t buy it because it smelled fishy.

But thinking about it now, that day, when I had spilled oolong tea on myself and we started talking, Camus flipped his lid.

“....”

He’s always in a pissy mood, but he’s been in an especially sour one whenever we talk to her….

“...Is the Earl is jealous? Camus is seriously in love with her.”

If I told Reiji and the others, they’d eat this up.

But I won’t because that would get too annoying.

But holy shit, I can’t believe it.

Camus?

I mean, I’ve come across plenty of composers, and I have to admit that woman has some talent.

She may even be a decent person compared to some of the other women out there.

But she’s so average.

She does not seem at all like the kind of woman Camus would be into.

In fact, why are they even living together?

How did this come to happen between the two of them?

The only thing in common between them is that they're partners.

I guess he prefers modest types like her? 

It doesn't suit him.

“This… is stupid. What am I even thinking about?”

Once I'd collected myself, my stomach rumbled.

“That reminds me… I’m starved.”

I guess it's no good being hungry, because when you are, all you can think about is stupid things.

“I’m… going to go eat.”

I lightly scratched my head and turned my feet toward my apartment.

I don't care about other people. 

As long as it doesn't affect my work.

I'm just going to sing my own song.

[amicus-noctis]

“Nothing is slower than the true birth of a man.” ― Marguerite Yourcenar, Memoirs of Hadrian

Painting: by Mitch Griffiths

[mafaldaknows]

Instagram: johnp.shanley

[camus-cat-cigarette]

~♡°• In Loving Memory of Albert Camus [November 7th 1913 - January 4th 1960]

[show-us-kaidenshenandoah]

"one must imagine Sisyphus happy" has taken on a whole new meaning to me tonight and i am trying not to cry about it

my cat keeps trying to bring me her mouse-toy on a string, like she normally does to "show me what a good hunter she is" by dragging her cat-wands over to me for some rewarding coos and pets. but this new toy is attached to the opposite side of the room as me, im stuck on the couch due my health, and my cat can never bring her toy all the way over to me because the string doesn't extend that far and she's forced to go get it again just to try and fail to bring it to me once more :'(

maybe one must imagine Sisyphus as an earnest, eternal optimist; completely devoted towards what he has to do. because i grew up being told (an apparently unusual form of the story?) that Sisyphus and Hades made a deal; if Sisyphus can accomplish his impossible punishment, Sisyphus can rejoin the form of the afterlife where his loved ones are surely still waiting for him to arrive (because he wasn't truly doing evil things; he was a cunning trickster, fucking with the gods like how the gods fuck around with humans. that's balance, baby. maybe Hades admired his moxie)

Sisyphus has people he loves that he'll see again once he gets that boulder up the hill. tomorrow is a new day, the past was a good attempt. he has an eternity to get this done. the boulder has to fall down the hill every time in order to stop Sisyphus. but he only needs to get it to the top once. and then, much like the end of a brutal marathon, all this hard-work will be worth the pride, loving rewards, and victorious security he will also "have to take on for an eternity". therefore: one must imagine Sisyphus' dedication as a sign of having lived a life where he's been very well-loved ♡

video transcript and further context (+ product link) if desired is below:

transcript (or transcript + context, i guess?) of the sounds within the video: the news is playing on the tv in the background. the cat's many bells are jingling with every movement (we are hard-of-hearing and her many bells help us figure out where she is as she likes to be sneaky). my mom was muttering sympathetic encouragement about my cat's goal to give me the mouse on the string even before the video started and the cut-off-beginning plus the part the video did catch was something along the lines of "[She's going to do it, she's going to get it—] to you, go back, oh no!" as my cat is forced to let go of the toy-mouse due to how the toy retracts and drops and retracts the mouse. you can hear my voice much more clearly than my mom, and i am cooing at my cat "Oh-ho-hohh" in sympathy as she loses the mouse and i try to comfortingly say "It's okay, Allegra, Sisyphus is very happy!" and then i giggle-squeak at the last syllable. then the video ends and loops over again (much like Sisyphus really when you think about it lmao rip)

context of "who is Sisyphus": Sisyphus is a figure from Ancient Greek lore. to over-simplify his story to only the most relevant parts here: Sisyphus caught and chained up the Ancient Greek version of the Grim Reaper during his life to stop any deaths from happening, and when Death got free and later on Sisyphus was supposed to die— Sisyphus then used some more tricks to get to live a longer life with his family. and he also did some other stuff to fuck with the Ancient Greek gods, bc he's of the cunning trickster archetype, even before he even caught the not-the-Grim-Reaper-but-basically-the-Grim-Reaper Death guy. and when Sisyphus did finally for sure die with no take-backsies, he had to go to the underworld's An Afterlife Of Eternal Punishment Section. his punishment was to push a huge boulder up to the top of a hill, but the twist is that he can never make it to the top of the hill as the boulder always finds a way to roll back down, thereby making Sisyphus have to re-start a ton of hard-labor from square one again and again for eternity. part of how i personally was told the story of Sisyphus was that Hades (who is the God of the Dead, but not the "Ancient Greek version of the Grim Reaper" Sisyphus chained up) had motivated Sisyphus to want to do this eternal punishment again and again without stopping?? was all because Hades told Sisyphus that Sisyphus could go be with Sisyphus' loved ones in the afterlife once he accomplished getting the boulder to the top of the hill. (which i took with the same ambiguity as the classic conundrum of "Did Hades know Orpheus would inevitably fail when Hades and Orpheus made that deal? Or did Hades give Orpheus as fair a shot as Hades could for a task that, on basic principle, HAD to be something Orpheus would have to struggle terribly with to accomplish?") so Sisyphus' eternally rolling the boulder up no matter what then becomes a sentiment to how dedicated and loving he is. that's not the version most people apparently grew up hearing about Sisyphus apparently tho, as i have learned the hard way back when EVERYONE in one of my bigger college classes (where we were discussing Camus) turned towards me VERY CONFUSED when i compared Sisyphus' form of loving devotion as a foil to Orpheus' lmao

context for the "Sisyphus is very happy" and "one must imagine Sisyphus happy" lines: there was a famous philsopher Albert Camus who said, in regards to the aforementioned story within Camus' essay "The Myth of Sisyphus", his conclusion is "one must imagine Sisyphus as happy". to which Camus means, in his own interpretation of Sisyphus, the moments when Sisyphus is (temporarily) unburdened by his punishment as he walks down the hill and knows tomorrow what he will do but that for now he has freedom from his tormenting chore— those moments of levity from the absurdity matter, the relief matters and keeps him going, and makes Sisyphus happy. to apply this to real life, if you have an awful and physically draining job with a terrible commute both ways, sure, you could mope around in bed and rot with exhaustion everyday. but going out with friends in spite of your bone-weary tiredness, enjoying a really good book or show, laughing over your pet being silly? those absurdities give life meaning. even if your job and commute are terrible, those moments where you have a bit of freedom and can forget about your metaphorical boulder and hill due to sheer and blissful relief you feel? that's Sisyphus' happiness. that's why people quote that line so often: "one must imagine Sisyphus happy", it's very iconic. there are other interpretations of what Camus meant, im sure, but this is the one i have and it is ergo relevant to the logic applied for what i am saying within the video and whatnot

context to me and my cat (why am i not meeting her halfway, why do i have this toy, and more): i am disabled due to chronic illness/es involving being in some level of pain 24/7. sometimes, i am in too much physical pain to play with my cat (who is named Allegra, which i did not know was a real name; i named her after the allergy medicine, and thought i was doing the equivalent of naming her Claritin). but she needs stimuli. so ive been experimenting with automatic toys for the days where i can't play with her. one of those toys is this rechargable door/edge-hanger toy that has a string you tie a toy to. for 15 minutes, it changes both height and pace as it makes the toy attached on the string go up and down, and it even does short pauses to mix things up and keep the cat interested; then it takes a break for 5 minutes; and then it starts up for another 15, before finally shutting off. it takes 2 hours to charge, and then is good for 4 hours of play. (my only complaints are that it came with a charging cable without a plug included; and that the toy doesnt retract when it shuts off, i have to roll the string back up manually. still a 9 or 9.5/10 so far tho) it's basically an automatic cat-wand; and it comes with three mice-toys to optionally tie to the string (that are advertised as having catnip but i doubt that lol) and a back-up string. it's a great toy for my cat, who fucking LOVES cat-wands and normally hates automatic toys that don't need a human hand involved

but, yeah, Allegra is very clingy to me as "the emotional support human to an emotional support animal", because she used to be a stray who stalked me until i adopted her (yay, cat distribution system). she's been with me for several years now and is very happy. she just also likes to show-off to me and "give me food" from her "hunts" (it's only ever her cat-wands. it's never something that was once alive lol), likely because she is concerned for my health mixed with her being anxiously attached to me and my praise. i love her very much ♡

also, after this video i did try to sit by Allegra so she could give me her toy. but she was fully uninterested in the toy BECAUSE i was there and i could be giving her pets instead. i was in too much pain to stay there for long, because i needed to elevate my legs on the couch to get some pain-relief after accidentally over-exerting myself earlier that day. also, the toy cannot be hung closer to me because the toy's clamp you use to hang it? it cant open very far and our walls are WAY too thick. in the video (i think you can see it even), it's actually hanging on the side of the closed door of this set of double-doors. also, this is a very new toy for her; this was the second time we had ever brought it out. and this video was taken on the first day my cat tried to bring me that mouse-toy, though the video is not of her first attempt of said day. Allegra tried to bring me that mouse-toy, i think, about six or so times overall that day lmao i feel/felt both very loved by her and also very bad for her. she is just the sweetest cat lmao ♡

[acknowledgetheabsurd]

Ah! my darling, this telephone! No, don't call me again. One should not use this device except when it becomes really necessary! I'm not going to tell you about my day. It put an end to my state of sleepwalking that I have been doing since Friday. The horror of those hours, no words could express it and, for the moment, I simply try to ask for the strength I need to bear it, to the memories of my father alive. If he had known how much he would help me he would have at least been less unhappy to leave me. Now I am awake. It is excruciating. I wonder what I would have done if you weren't here. Darling, my love, forgive me, but I must stop. I can't write any more tonight. I am at the end of my rope. Don't be afraid, though. Your image sustains me. I feel you present all the time and I cry and shout with you. Do not be afraid. In a few days, I will return to my normal letters. For now, I can't do or say anything. Love me. Love me with all your soul. I beg you, love me always. Entirely yours. Maria.

Maria Casarès to Albert Camus, Correspondance, February 20, 1950 [#205]