#but time no longer exists to me anymore
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Ben: Let’s groove, babe
#I don’t know anymore#benedict uno#father knd#knd father#rosy maple moth dad#I just wanted to draw him doing disco#knd villains#knd#cknd#codename: kids next door#I regret this#wait actually no I don’t#don’t ask how this is possible idk how time works anymore#I assume he’d be born in the 50s#but time no longer exists to me anymore#ravenpoefan art
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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Sigh *adds a line to my tally of how many times Bruce hurts Jason and Jason forgives him*
#This isn’t even surprising anymore for Bruce to hurt Jason#and Jason to forgive him#Don’t get me wrong - I love the batfamily being a family#but damn Jason deserves better#And I’m not saying drama and conflict within the family shouldn’t exist#I understand that this is a superhero comic#but yeah it’s just annoying for having yet another negative interaction btwn Bruce and Jason#where of course Jason loses#and then all is forgiven#I could go on a longer rant about this#but I don’t have the time to get into it#jason todd#red hood#batfamily#dc#batfam#batman#bruce wayne#dc comics#comic analysis#I haven’t followed the failsafe and Gotham war and everything with Zur as closely as others#so if my rambles don’t even apply to this situation then ignore me lmao#red rambles
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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Hey if you’re still enjoying and engaging with Harry Potter in any capacity you can unfollow me 😊 please and thank you
Like. I get it. I was super into it as a kid too. I did not have the social context to pick up on the antisemitism or transphobia or sexism or fatphobia or bioessentialism or racism or anything else. I also picked up on surface-level language of Fighting Back Against Evil and ascribed my own values onto what that meant and thought we were all on the same page. I remember when the original kids who grew up with the books started becoming adult fans and picking up on the (blatant!) antisemitism and everybody was still mostly willing to give JKR the benefit of the doubt on it. (“She was writing kids books!” They said. “She didn’t know she was penning a global phenomenon! She picked a common literary trend in European fairy tales (antisemitic caricature) and didn’t examine it closely. It’s a mistake anyone could make,” we said. “She would probably do things differently now. After all, she word-of-god confirmed the vaguest hints she dropped that Dumbledore might be gay,” we said.) There was actually a span of several years where biases inherent in the actual real content of the Harry Potter series were coming to light and even the people pointing them out still seemed mostly to think it was an unfortunate accident.
That time has passed. Years ago! We are long past the first months of “maybe she doesn’t realize this seemingly-feminist tweet she liked was made by a noted TERF” and then “how could she not realize that these many veiled TERF-y things she’s retweeted have implications for the many queer fans of her work” and finally “oh wow okay JKR just dropped an entire transphobic manifesto on twitter. I guess the transphobia was the point.”
Yeah, there were a few months after that where people were still processing and still working through how they felt about Harry Potter and all of its flaws with the context of the now open transphobia of the creator. I was there for that. Remember how I was one of the kids who built it up into something noble and worthwhile based on my own beliefs about what messages it was probably trying to convey? Turns out it wasn’t trying to say any of those things, and when you take the time to examine all of the terrible shit that made its way into the text whether JKR intended it to be there or not, the whole series falls apart. It’s weird to discover that there’s a room in your house that’s rotten to the core, but eventually you figure out you can’t live like that, still going in there and holding your nose and pretending it’s still the same room you thought it was when the termites were only inside of the walls and hadn’t yet started chewing their way through the furniture. Because what’s going to happen is that they are going to infest the rest of your house. If you decide you can ignore transphobia and antisemitism and everything else just because you liked the color of the wallpaper, the rest of your principles are going to crumble too. You get rid of that fucking room. You put those books on a high shelf in the back of your closet behind other outgrown clothes and interests and you move the fuck on.
JKR uses the money made from her transphobic antisemitic children’s books to actively funding hate groups and to lobby for legislation that will and has actually affected the actual lives of trans people in an entire country. We are past the point of grieving something you were wrong about in childhood. Kids are wrong about a lot of stuff. You grow up and you learn new information and you change your behaviors based on it. You have to choose. It is transphobic to pretend there is not transphobia where there is. It is transphobic to support the work of someone who is using those funds to take rights from trans people with every fucking dollar. It is hateful to continue to engage positively with a story that at its very core is rooted in hate and bigotry and prejudice. You can choose to do all of those things but you cannot claim ignorance of them and you cannot choose those things and still pretend that choosing them upholds the values we convinced ourselves that Harry Potter stood for over a decade ago as uninformed children. You cannot choose to do those things and pretend to still support your trans and queer and Jewish neighbors. I do not want you in my neighborhood. Leave.
#mine#Harry potter cw#yeah I don’t want to see or think about this shit either and I’m sure most of my followers are on the same page of just like. let’s wipe it#from the public consciousness and do our best to just completely ignore it and forget it existed and in doing so take away JKRs platform and#influence and also stop the continued harm the series will do by propagated hateful biases in people who continue to read it#but despite heavily culling my feed over the course of the past several years and thankfully mostly not seeing HP fandom things anymore#I’ve been seeing a lot of responses today to people defending it and honestly I forget that there are still people out there doing that who#think they are just fine and normal fandom people with non-hateful and terrible interests and it makes me so angry#maybe more so because like. I was there too! I was annoyingly obsessed with Harry Potter from the ages of idk seven? up until whenever JKR#started being openly transphobic. I have so much fucking knowledge about this book series that will never leave my brain. and yeah it was#weird and hard to have to rethink things and realize that no actually it does feel bad and uncomfortable to continue to be a fan even#passively of these books. it was a big part of my childhood and several of my friendships. I fully get it. I was the weird kid also.#it was weird and hard to say oh actually this sucks and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. but I did it! I got there! because it was#more important to care about real actual things and people than it is to fondly remember a book series for children.#and at the time it felt like maybe I did hang on a little longer than I could have and was a little later than some people and figuring out#my feelings and moving on from the whole thing. but it was still fucking years ago. and you’re still here?#because you like the color of the wallpaper in this shitty rotten broken down tacked on room? because we used to spend time there together?#buddy the room was giving us lead poisoning the whole time and the rest of us have accepted that and we are all outside doing other things.#you will find connection and community in so many places in your life. I promise. get the fuck out of that terrible awful room#and for gods sake stop bring out handfuls of mold you found under the floorboards and shoving it in our faces#nobody fucking wants this. we did it. we’re done.#so yeah I think I have an extra level of disdain because I know from personal experience that it’s not *that* fucking hard to care more#about real life trans people than about antisemitic children’s books.
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so i’m pretty tired of feeling like i’m just supposed to take this and let it go because everyone’s busy but like. if i write you a meme reply here or on @clawsextended i’m asking you to at least like it so i know you saw it.
i don’t care if you want to continue it or not. i’d always prefer to, but i never expect it. it’s not out of the realm of politeness just to ask someone acknowledges that i wrote them something.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[like. when i drop someone like five paragraphs i was excited about and never get a response nor a like… well it feels a little bit like i#have no reason to be here. ‘Kat do things for yourself!’ yeah man i get it but shut the fuck up because rp is collaborative. like. at least#ACKNOWLEDGE that you saw it. otherwise?? seriously if somebody does this to me repeatedly im not answering shit for them. I’ve been here too#long and im genuinely exhausted of being taken for granted because apparently decorum no longer exists and there are no rules to#communication anymore. it’s absolutely absurd and im done with doing this ‘maybe im being too sensitive’. no. maybe i spent time caring#about something to do for someone else and it’s repeatedly forgotten.]#negativity /#[just fucking communicate.]
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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ok im just curious about it so like if any proshippers can answer this question that’d be great
#polls ⌞🧸🦴⌝#proship#proshippers please interact#me personally?#it’s complicated#I get the appeal of RPF#but at the same time we’re no longer dealing with fictional characters anymore#now we’re dealing with real people#and whenever I see things about RPF I always think to myself#“Would this person be ok with RPF being made of them or would they be staunchly against it?”#because like I know some people don’t care if RPF is made of them and some know it’s being made and just don’t want to see it#but I know that some people blatantly don’t want that stuff being made of them…period#and while I know that RPF (in most cases) has a right to exist and shouldn’t be censored#I still think it’s important to acknowledge the boundaries of the people we’re making RPF of#because again#we’re no longer just making fiction of fictional characters#we are making fiction of real humans now#real humans who can think
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aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#brain is being weird again. i miss the person i thought you were before i found out how truly truly horrible you are#but that person doesn’t exist! i never met them because they aren’t real!#i just wanna meet my person yk. like yeah i don’t want to be in a relationship bc that sounds exhausting but also#it wouldn’t be exhausting if it was my person. i wanna know someone. i wanna learn how someone works.#i wanna take care of someone and be taken care of without asking.#and like the thing is is i definitely have my people in my friends like i already have them in this way#and i appreciate that so so much which is why i won’t settle for anything less ever again and why i’m no longer actively seeking something#but i really do just miss clicking that well with someone right off the bat. and i know most of it was probably 1) me being lied to and 2)#me trying to make myself palatable for him#but i haven’t felt that truly blatantly appreciated in a long time#i just wish that fate would work a little faster at putting my person into my lap is all#i’m not even gonna say that it doesn’t have to be The Person i’ll end up with and can just be One Of the people along the way#because now that feels like settling and if the universe doesn’t want me to settle then i won’t#and i’m not trying to be impatient because i know that it’ll happen when it’s supposed to and i can’t force anything#i just want it to happen so badly. i want to have my cute love story. i want to have it last longer than a week. in a good way this time.#and i know i vent a lot about this in my tags but this time feels different#i just want what is supposed to happen to happen. and i want to feel comforted knowing that it will.#i just need a sign that it’s gonna happen someday so i don’t lose my mind waiting for it#that i’m in the right place. and i’m right where i’m supposed to be#idk. i just know i don’t deserve to feel alone anymore. especially when i know i’m not.#this feels like a prayer. maybe it is. whatever.#mari is irrelevant
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hehehe
#feeling bad that i cant just be content to post something#but when i get 4 notes or 20 notes or 50 notes it's not enough#and when i get thousands of views on youtube videos it's the ones that i no longer have any attachment to#like im supposed to give a shit about capturing that lightning in a bottle when its a song im not proud of anymore#that i made at a point in my life im glad is over#ive met a couple fans who have mentioned liking kirby pride and kirbtober specifically#and it makes me so happy that they like the stuff that i still like#i knlw i should like my backlog but#to me they serve as keepsakes and nothing more#a stepping stone to where i was when i started my minecraft cover “series”#that lead me to kirby pride#which lead me to making songs easier which lead me to kirbtober#which burnt me out and lead me to I need to#which exists but only in my head#and on my computer#the album so close yet so far#every step i take towards completing it the clearer it is that the goal is at the horizon#and oh my god thats only the first half#i guess i should try not to spoil part 2 but its still too much in a concept phase#as much as i hate that#the first half is called 'I need to' and it's an album about my experiences after i graduated in 2022 and links awakening#about stagnation#wasting my time#part 2 is called 'wake up'#and it's about my choice at the end of Links awakening#to stop playing after i opened the wind fish's egg#moving past the world i knew was too hard a thought to bear#so i buried it#i havent seriously touched the game after that#and in a way that i cant explain to myself in a way other than music i feel as though i have done this
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Anyone else out here missing nights lit only by candle light and green screen green walls and dried herbs hanging from every doorway and folk music and-
#the problem with growing up is everything else grows up with you#none of that ground exists anymore#my parents new people changed with time no longer those who raised me#anyone else up missing times they can't go back to and do not want to but cant help but miss#adam fucking around
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pop stars aren't born in the 70s anymore like they used to be. These days they're born in a year uncomfortably close to my own which makes me clutch my chest and cry out
#music#musicians#Nia Archives was on radio the other day going 'my album's the first jungle album to be nominated for the Mercury Prize in over 25 years#that's such an honour! The last one was Roni Size and I wasn't even born then' --hang on a minute#that album was like. 1997. 'I wasn't even born yet'?#Folks she is a year older than me 😭(❤️ but also personally 😒)#Cat Burns' Mercury shortlisted album is called 'early twenties'. It is a term I am told I can no longer use for myself.#She says 'the album was a 4-year long process. I started writing it when I was 20.' Cat Burns is my age.#CMAT. Dublin's 'global superstar'. 1997. Literally she's such a classic popstar/country star I'd have expected to read like '1987' or somet#not in terms of saying she's old or anything; just that that seems appropriate for someone who's in control of their career#CMAT is like 2 years older than I am. It's so wild to me#especially this time! There have been a lot of debut albums you see#and I'm really proud of all these--I suppose at my age I'm allowed to say--kids; my peers? But it's also so strange to see#My peers are at the Mercuries. Declan McKenna is like a year older than me#That has been in my head ever since Brazil came out. He was 15. I was 14.#sigh it's a long road to either acceptance or such radical change that I 'catch up' with everyone; whatever that means#yes I'm well aware that comparison isn't a thing to do. I know it's not productive.#I try not to let it get me anxious; afterall what do I do about it?#It's not like I've got the ball rolling on anything significant to speak of. I'm just at ordinary work#idk also the industry I work in doesn't exist anymore hahahaaaa so yeah. No career. Only far away admirations! :)#We will have no infrastructure and we will be happy.#Don't read all this; just laugh at the meme about age and move on#growing up
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.
#i miss art man fuck#i wish i knew a way to like. fast forward this mental dip bc its hell#i just keep seeing time go by and realize another day has passed and I've done nothing with myself.#no art. no writing. i don't do anything expect lay here and waste away#like yeah i do adulting stuff#i do my chores i go to work#but thats kinda it?#even when i hang out with people its just. rotting in a different location.#i miss the stuff that i adore doing#i miss having the attention span to sit and enjoy a game or show#i miss sitting down and drawing for hours or staying up writing#i think about it constantly#but that wall is so firmly up that i never DO it#and everyone in my life just keeps telling me 'just do it!' as a solution#i cant stand it#the longer it goes on the more i feel like a failure. or like i only exist to help other people#there is no 'me'. just a person people can rely on#i have no ability to be me anymore and it sucks#vent
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this height difference is absolutely taking me out LOL
#this is vee speaking#not even just between ayukawa-san and hirono-san!!!!!!! hirono-san’s that short next to aramaki-san too???????#what a short king lmao!!!!!!!!!!#bop draws closer and i’ve been trying to ignore how in the span of a week we’ll no longer have anymore stage plays#the last time we will ever see the stage original teams will be with bop and it doesn’t feel good#since my bat brainrot in general is that bad i never talk about them lol but i love north bastard sm 😭😭😭#i love kazu and i like the concept of kazu and ichiro being the same but one embraced his dark path and other had help resisting it#it’s a very good thing kokuri is not a real character because he and his actor are so brutally attractive to me lol#like idk if i could function if kokuri and kuukou existed in the same space LOL#and like all 3gumi saragi has the sickest rap flow lol!!!!!! i love it when his parts hit in north bastard songs!!!!!!!#the same with everyone else too i have lots of thoughts on all of them and i’m going to miss them dearly it’s!!!!!!!!! not fair!!!!!!!!!!!
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Friends I crave distraction. Please feel free to send me random Star Trek asks - about the shows, the characters, hot takes, theories, your fics, my fics, someone else's fics- anything is fine, I would very much welcome it
#it's been a rough week. people I know stop dying challenge :(#I'm sorry about the incoming tag rant but I literally cannot believe these last three months#I just got off the phone after what. number 7? 8?#and I feel so bad because it's not even MY immediate family so I shouldn't make this about me but like#these are still people who raised me#people who have been around since I was a kid#people I really believed were going to be around for a lot longer#(and pets. plural. what is UP with the number of deaths lately)#I'm just very exhausted with everything I'm not even crying anymore I'm literally just tired and I feel like I'm losing it#and yes I am not at the centre of these losses but it's still a cumulative effect...like spending hours & hours at funerals & on the phone#with grieving friends and family and trying to be there for them and not having any space or time to process these losses for myself#is not an unreasonable thing to feel exhausted from right? especially not after like three straight months of this?#anyway. would really like to think about people who don't really exist for the next few hours and maybe ramble a bit once I make dinner :)
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I think…it is time for me to give up on ever finding love
#which is a shame bc there’s so much of it inside of me that i feel like i’m drowning in it#and i just want to be able to share it with someone and love someone completely and be loved completely in return but#i feel like i no longer know how to be vulnerable anymore#and have spent so much time learning how to be alone that i’m terrified of anything different#but even if all of that weren’t true. no one wants to be with me#no matter how much i try to put myself out there#i’m not seen as worthy by anyone#and it’s bc exhausting dwelling on it and constantly obsessing over what’s wrong with me and why no one wants me so#i’ve decided to give up. and just make peace with my current existence#it’s ok if it’s just me forever. i will learn how to be enough for myself
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