#but thats also bc of my meds and mental illness so...

[semiotomatics]

man i miss therapy 😔

[bittwitchy]

my gift is being annoying, see, i can hate myself and be so horrendously anxious that i think trying to make being alive easier for myself is somehow offensive to others bc thats how so many people online act like literally any accomodations not made by the doctors that dont care abt you at all are somehow unnecessary and ‘fishing for attention’ to the point i ruin myself and destroy my body avoiding accomodations bc i dont want to ‘seem like a bad person’ for quite literally needing help. but give me a tv show and 30 seconds with new information and i will either give you the most thought provoking theory or the most wildcard theory ever and always be correct.

[andromachos]

annie wilkes you would have had legendary beef on tumblr

[romanarose]

So heres my delema.

just keep scrolling bc im laregl thinking out loud here asdfghjkl

I have 2 jobs rn.

Full time job. Given what's happened online the last year for me im more privat about it now but it is a m-f job in a field i enjoy. This job is seen as more traditionally a "career" type, although I think thats bs.

part time working at the olive garden. I've worked for olive garden for years at different stores and not to simp for a corperation but i like it. I ran into issues near the end of working there at my last store in school, but that was with the gm and another manager. Overall my experience has been good.

This may sound silly, but I take pride working at OG. I am good at what I do, i make great bread, im excellant at to go, im a friendly host. I do a lot of other stuff there but thats my main gig. I do pasta, and although its good im slow XD so ignore that.

At my full time job, things were going good this summer as they had last summer but it seems now theres a change.

last summer I was in a different position, I got put into the kitche now and i barely get to work with the people who I wanted to work with in htis type of job.

I'm not getting the support I need

My boss, who was previously nice to me, has like. 0 interest in me now because things arent ascrazy as in the summer. I always ask her about her weekend and stuff bc I care, but she never asked me about my trips when I come back or my day. My coworker said she didnt ask her how she was when she was in the hospital for three days.

At olive garden, all the managers were emplyees who worked their way up and are nice and friendly. They ask me about my week (i only come in on weekends) they are appriciative of when i cover shifts and never presure me to cover either.

The other thing is, I get paid more at this job than I do my "professional" job. They also offer health insurence, which I need for my meds. My main job has health insurgence, which Is the only reason i work full time while taking class. At olive garden, I only need to average 30 hours a week to qualify for health insurence

Open enrollment in in november, so I have this month to make my choice

go full time at olive garden and work "as needed" at this job or stay where i am? I am so tired yall. im exhausted and burnt out. I dont think ive been a great roommate this last month.

Is it stupid i like working at a restraunt more than the kind of job im "supossed to" strive for? idk.

Olive garden also has more flexibility for taking time off or switching shifts easier.

I wanna be able to have the mental energy to work on my class this semester, and ill have to take more next semester too so not having to work as much hours will be nice

OH and Olive garden does raises in november too. So i make a dollar more at olive garden rn, and it'll be more in november

I hopfully graduate in may and then can be more open/ hopfully only work one job ;-;

[candysharkart]

hi would u be willing to talk more ab ur belcher hcs that theyre all schizoaffective? :]

i can defs try! i cant promise i have really anything "smart" or insightful to say, cuz my husband and i just kinda draw from our own experiences :o

(if u are reading this and dont know what schizoaffective disorder is, im writing this w/ the definition of "a combination of schizophrenic symptoms and mood disorder symptoms like major depressive and bipolar disorder")

bob has felt the most schiz to us from the start, he's got his voices, which feel way more like he's acting as a mouthpiece for the objects he's talking to, rather than him just doing a bit. he knows its not "real" but also. it is to him. (i think hes also had some? hallucinations? but most are drug or stress induced and he also has a lot of cartoon dream sequences so...?) he struggles with paranoia and anxiety, and he's had pretty manic and depressive episodes in the show. i think he tries his best to stay grounded and self-aware with his delusions. he's very skeptical, and gets really irritated by misinformation. (probs also an affect of his autism tbh)

we also have a hc that he's more irritable and negative in the early seasons bc he's on meds that arent a good fit for him. (we dont really have meds hcs other than that. they might not be able to afford them)

linda's symptoms arent as obvious beyond her delusions like the raccoons and the cemetery stuff, but i think she's taught herself to suppress her issues so she could better support gayle who had more disruptive ones. her parents seem like the "stop being mentally ill its annoying" types. she has her own instances of paranoia and anxiety, but she mostly tries to smother and ignore anything negative she feels. VERY manic and impulsive tho. i think she also has some hallucinations in show but im drawing blanks on specifics.....

i would personally say tina is pretty depressive, but she's good at trying to cope in (mostly) healthy ways. her family is a good support system for her! she does have the most instances of visual hallucinations that arent cartoon bits (she seems to have them a lot when shes feeling guilty...) her anxiety and paranoia reminds me a lot of bob but also of gayle. they have similar outburts

gene has the least examples that i can think of.... i think he considers ken to be pretend and is just joking about him being real bc it annoys bob (compared to tina who thinks her horse Jericho is maybe...a little real) but i think he has some other hallucinations tht arent like that. hes surprisingly anti-social! he definitely often views himself as superior to the kids he knows. gets that from his dad lol. and his mania and impulsiveness are very much like linda :) he doesnt have depressive episodes as much as the others, but they hit him really hard :(

and louise! shes paranoid and has lots of aggression issues! to me she is also very depressed. (the puppet ep is esp relatable to me lol........) and she's VERY manic in the ambergris ep! i think she also has a couple instances of voices similar to bob's? but its kinda hard to tell the difference when shes still a kid who plays pretend with her toys. her talking to the taffy dummy feels more like what bob does tho.

i hope? thats the kind of hcs you were talking about? ive been trying to think of the right words for like 3 hours now. im very bad with words and so much of this stuff can also be attributed to other brain stuff, and one person can have a lot going on in one brain! so i hope i dont upset anyone with this post. thank u for ur time :)

[mainfaggot]

I hope she fails to get into med school and i hope her boyfriend breaks up with her

In my bio lab rn my partner is so fucking annoying she is clearly projecting onto me

[meimeikyu]

Do you have any Bad Sanses headcanons? If so give 👀

(its completely chill if you don't by the way /gen)

I HAVE. TOO MANY. THIS WILL BE VERY LONG! STARTING WITH SOME PREFACING; A lot of these are more fanon or my versions of the bad sanses instead of just headcanons (considering i have a dislike of a large bit of their canons) (my geno ones were kinda like this too but my geno version is much more similar to canon then my bad sanses-)

So these are more just, me ranting about my versions of them which is basically me taking them and. burying them in my headcanons and story rewrites- canon doesnt have to be real if i dont look at it /j AS WELL; For this my bad sanses will be; Nightmare, Killer, Dust, Horror, and Cross. I like having cross as a part of them, and though i like bad sanses error, i consider him more his own entitiy that would work with them sometimes! ALRIGHT! LET THE RAMBLING BEGIN!!!!! (im so sorry for how long this is-)

OK SO. I could have a whole seperate rant about how i think theyd interact and work together and how they are brought together n everything so. im gonna try to keep it to my hcs directly about them n i can do a seperate thing for that if ppl r curious (this did not stay true there r interacting bits but its mostly about them solo)

Cross

ANXIETY. thats literally all i can start it with. i think this is the most anxious man to ever exist actually. also. transmasc cross is canon to me forever <3333 ANYWAYS HOLY THIS GUY. NEEDS THERAPY. well they all do but like. he need anxiety meds or something jfc someone help him TuT. I think hed dislike killing so he would mainly do supply runs, or be the distraction on missions. Hed definately fight but hed try to avoid killing at all costs. So. transmasc cross. im going back to that i have rambles. ok i think hed have like, more round bones if that makes sense?? so hed like to wear big baggy clothes n layers to try n hide it bcs he doesnt like it. I think hed have really scarred hands from fighting, but i also think hed have an x on both of them that gaster (oml i wanna punch that bitch) left on him. thinks. i wanna hug him. i think he has older brother vibes. i have like. a way i sort these ppl by age that makes no sense but i like it. but i think cross would be older. i think hes really bad at cooking. like comicly bad. he is not allowed to cook. he tall. not tallest. but tall. i think he has one really big sword, then 2 smaller hand swords. i think hed be decently powerful, basic sans magic but i think hed be good at combat from guard training and is pretty strong. i dont have as many cross thoughts as some of the others (its bcs i cant make him suffer as much /joking) i think hed like puzzles. like picture puzzles. oh he wouldnt let ppl touch his hands except for some certain ppl (the ganggg, they r family to me <mentally ill) i think his magic would be a light purple and i think he DESPISES it and avoids using it as much as possible. he keeps a tin pocket mirror on him so he can check if his eyes r purple constantly and he freaks out if it breaks (i think itd get broken on a mission sometimes). i kinda think of him n dust as opposites with this. i think cross always has to have mirrors on him and checks them constantly whereas dust despises mirrors and has definately destroyed many. uh. i love him loving chocolate n tacos. i think hed speak spanish. this is. more than i thought i had down- anyways overall i love him but some1 get him anxiety meds please- oh also i forgor to add this until later but. i think both cross and killer would have an army of plushies.

Horror

HORRORRR!!!! THE SQUISHY!!!!! i do not like his canon but fanon horror is my lovely. I CAN NVR DECIDE ON THIS BUT TRANSFEM HORROR HAS MY HEART I CAN JUST NVR DECIDE IF I WANT MY VER TO BE SO I MIGHT SWITCH PRONOUNS LIKE. 10 TIMES LMFAO. but anyways transfem horror is amazing n i love her. horror is the tallest by far. i think of horror like a polar bear i cant decribe this any other way. i think shed have big thick bones like how polar bears have lots of fur n fat to keep heat in? i think horrortales underground would be very very cold in snowdin so her magic mutated to give her thicker bones to keep warm. despite this, i think shed still be kinda cold all the time due to lack of magic post head trauma and i think shed wear big fluffy thick clothes all the time. theyd have to be custom made bcs regular clothes wouldnt fit her. i think the others would borrow them sometimes bcs. big n warm. RUBY EYE HORROR HAS MY HEART N I HAVE LOVED IT SINCE I SAW IT!! so i have a whole little thing i imagine of horror right after eye removal barely alive crawling through a cave system n finding a gem and basically ripping it out of the wall and using it as her eye. this also means she can take it out. and she does do that to terrify people- ok so basically i think she still has a small amount of magic/eye where her eye was, and the gem basically magnifys it so shes able to see? but without the gem she cant see. i also think she gets motion sick really easily bcs of this. UGH MIGRAINES. I think shed get them a lot and theyd be well. *nightmares* (hahah). i think shed have something to put pressure on the cracked skull bit without damaging it to help when it hurts. I love horror picking at her skull/dead eye socket as a stim and i add, i think shed randomly like, lightly bite herself. she would definately have like a necklace or something to chew on as well. i love like. big soft caretaker horror yknow. i think shed like to hug n like, touch the others. and COOK!! Cooking and baking horror is my fav. i think shed have someone help her read the recipes and with small bits like when you have to pour a certain amount of liquid. i dont think shed have great vision- like fine for most things but reading is not her strongsuit. I think shed also have shakey hands. i dont think shed have great mobility in general but oh boy i think shed be strong. like. could bend a metal pole strong. very strong. She doesnt use magic for like. anything because it takes a big strain on her, but i think shed have a huge heavy axe, that looks like. funnily light weight when she uses it but anyone else trys to and they cannot pick it up. I think she would pick the others up. She would put stuff very high up and have to help the others get it if the need it- I also think shed be (i cant think of the word. hyperflexible? i think double jointed is what im looking for?) basically i think shed have very bendy joints that go far in the wrong way but its not really good for her or give her an advantage its just kinda. there. if they ever run low on supplies i think shes the first to try to take smaller portions/stop eating because she puts the others before her, and i think they would very much try to stop her from doing that.

i love when horrors brother is alive so i def think her brother n au would still be alive! her or one of the other gang members would bring them supplies. i think shed visit there a lot. i dont like thinking of any of them as trapped at the castle tbh, i just dont think the others have many other places theyd want to go. i think shed have one of those like. big long pillows ppl hug. I think shed process things slower and would talk slowly but the others would be patient. i think shed be quicker with sign language bcs i imagine her have better like. skeletons dont have muscles but. muscle memory than (i dont know what to call it? active memory? i genuinely dont know what its called but like actively thinking for something memory). shed put little tabs and like. stickers everywhere with pictures to remind her what is where. i think shed listen to audiobooks or. calm music and or happy music. I also think shed like to listen to music in languages she doesnt know bcs then she doesnt have to try and process the lyrics

(i have this specific type of music i think shed like that i call light music but. i have no way to describe it. it has to do with the instrumental not having as much sounds. i think? or it. sounding more light? i literally dont know how to describe it its the vibes. Impurities - Le sserafim is an example i can think of off the top of my head for the vibes) I. think about horror a lot. as you can tell- i love her.

Dust

OH BOY HERE COMES THE ANGST!!!! Killer n dust r the ones i like to make suffer the most so expect like. a lot of angsty stuff. they also r the ones that have the most like, me adding stuff story wise- anyways. oh boy trauma! this guy is. not okay. n i love him for it. but also omg he is not. I think dust would be the most physically weak. like just entirely. I think he would have a very damaged soul due to LV + Determination. i hc he has a combination of the 2, due to his determination to escape the resets, and i also love dust being the scientist of the group and. i think he would most definately experiment on his own soul in secret. anyways i think bcs of soul issues hed be very physically weak, and would probably entirely rely on magic for fighting, as well i think hed probably use it for things outside of it bcs of soul issues. i think hed probably teleport everywhere instead of walking except for very short distances, and i think hed sit or lean on things instead of standing most of the time. But magic wise? oh fucking boy, i think hes a powerhouse. i think the way deterimation n lv would change people is different for everyone, and for him? i think it boosted his magic through the fucking roof, but also made it very unstable. i think hed pass out from overusing it too much, and would have times where theres just so so much and he has no way to get it out. i think hed constantly be slightly in that state unless like. actively fighting. part of why hed use magic for everything. also i think his main weapon for any close up combat would be 2 long pointed bones he summons. hes definately the quietest of the group, i think he wouldnt talk much and when he does his voice is very quiet and scratchy. I also think of him as one of the older ones of the group. Him n cross r the older ones whilst horror would be a bit younger and killer would be the youngest. i think horror would be physically older than them, but cross and dust would actually be much older due to resets/overwrites.

Also i dont know what dust is but its not cis. i dont know why i just cant see any of them as cis LMFAO. anyways i feel like genderfluid dust fits for my ver. primarily he/they. hed def be the scientist of the group, i think hed have a lab somewhere in the basement of the castle and hed use it for so many things. i think hed experiment with his magic a lot, but also with permission get samples of the others and test things on it, to see how they react to things. i also feel like hed have some machine he built to extract excess magic/determination from himself. i also hc hed like painting. i dont think hed paint anything in particular, probably more abstract things but i think hed use it to distract himself during a flare up. i also think hed use some of his own magic to paint at times. both his lab and the painting room would be connected, and i think they would both be a mess- i think all his spaces would be messy tbh. just. stuff. everywhere. but he could tell you where pretty much anything is in that chaos- i also think hed react differently to healing bcs of his soul. I feel like although things would heal, theyd never heal "fully". theyd almost scar, but the would have like visible unhealed magic in them. i think if he had way too much magic it could accidently reopen them since they cant fully heal. he found that out the hard way. i also think theyd 'heal' much faster though, and with enough magic/high tension he could probably force them to close. He definately does not like to sleep. he probably has nightmares most of the time when he does. he is also very much the type of person to stay up a week straigh then collapse and sleep for 18 hours. the others do not like that he does that-

i think hed probably be more. self destructive? like hed shove the others out of the way to take a hit instead. or overuse his magic during fights when emotional. i think he thinks hes somewhat invicible, due to the weird way his magic reacts to injuries. maybe hes right. who knows. i definately think he zones out all the time, and dissociates. i also think hed have a bad sense of time. hed probably be very. twitchy? he jumps if anyone touches him or gets too close, and is probably very on edge a large majority of the time. i think hed also say random facts, just out of nowhere. i think he would have at least some medical knowledge as well, from a combination of experiment with his magic to testing the limits of what it can heal. i think he might be able to force others to 'heal' the way he does with enough magic, but itd be very hard so hed only do it if one of the gang was like. actively dieing. even then hed probably remove it to let them heal normally once they could. i think thatd just. fully reopen the wound if he removes his magic. his magic is weird. i also think hed be hot. constantly. like all of the time due to his magic. (horror constantly cold x dust constantly hot :3c) as well i think his eyelights would be brighter, but i also think hed be more sensative to light. idk why i just like that. I think hed have the typical genocide sans scar. but i also love the idea of him having like. tally marks. (not a metaphor way like literally tally marks) as a way of counting resets. i think about him so much omg. despite the fact theyd probably hate each other in canon my killer n dust are close, due to the fact they both have very similar experiences. (i could probably write a whole thing on that ngl) I think dust feels somewhat responsible for killer since i like dust as like. the older one of them. so dust would get really stressed if killer is hurt. ok i think thats all for now. im so normal about him (blatant lie)

Killer

OHH BOY THE OTHER ONE I LOVE TO TRAUMATIZE!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! If i traumatize them more it means i like them. i promise. i just love making them cry :D Uh pangender killer will forever be canon and real to me. hes transmasc and pangender yknow. moving on. i think killer has very bad eyesite. i hc due to the (liquid hate? corrupted determination? either works tbh but i use liquid hate) anyways bcs of it it damaged his eyelight to the point he can barely see, he can mostly just see bright lights and blurred colors, and hed probably have no peripheral vision. i think this would have been a slow process, so when he first came to that castle, though his vision was slightly worse it was much better than now. (because of course he didnt tell anyone about it until it was very bad bcs. careless). i think he would have slowly been reworking his fighting style bcs of this. During fights, he uses a blindfold/bandages/literally anything to cover his eyes, blocking out any light he could see, because of how glowly magic is it would hinder him. i think instead hed relay on 'magic detection', not really like seeing the magic, but more just being able to physically feel where magic is around him, the more magic the more 'intense' it would feel. best way i can describe it is like sound. he cant see the magic but can feel what direction its coming from. i also think all types of magic would have a slightly different feel (so like hed be able to tell dream from cross). I think inks would be harder for him to detect since the easiest amount of magic to be able to detect would be souls, and well ink doesnt have one-. i think hed fight both close up and mid range, and use a combination of magic and physical objects. for physical objects hed mark them with small traces of magic so he can find them (and aim them). i think hed probably make a habit of running his hands over everything and leaving small magic trails to help map things. I think the others wouldnt know about the vision stuff until he ends up telling nightmare and eventually telling the others. nightmare would probably not let him do missions till killer had found a way to not endanger himself (by using his magic detection stuff) I also think his fighting would primarily involve protecting his soul over all else, since its extremely vulnerable with how it stays out. I think hed be a pretty all round, with good magic and decent direct physical fighting skills. i think hed have a very energetic fighting style, a lot of movement, both from him and him moving his opponents. i also hc hed be super flexible, and would probably know a lot of 'gymnast' tricks, and would do them during fights. this man would do an aerial in the middle of a fight no questions. i think hed dislike his sould. despite not really showing it, i think hed feel weird about the fact its always out. i also think hed feel weird about wearing colours that really clash with red bcs of it, so he usually sticks to the same outfit.

OK. BASELESS HEADCANON. so. i dont know why but for a long time ive had the hc that he has a prosthetic left arm. basically yknow in underverse 0.6 fight when he gets his arm broken? imagine that but. completely broken off. i imagine itd happen in a fight where he was already tired at that point, so when it happened the arm couldnt stay formed apart of him and just dusted instantly. i have this little idea of the prosthetic having like. these tubes that connect into his arm at the top? and it runs his magic through the prosthetic, so he can control it fully. itd definately take a while to get used to but after a while he can just use it like a regular arm. KILLER IS 100% YOUNGER SIBLING ENERGY! i hc him as the youngest of the group (despite still being an adult, i think hed be younger than the average sans.) I feel like killer would be very. emotional intense. I dont think of him as fully emotionless, i think hed be like. extremely (insert any emotion here really) then just. crash. and be empty. his hate would definately run a ton at that point. also i dont think he could cry. i think if he is he only crys hate, he doesnt have the ability to cry like the magic tears anymore. i do like him being very very energetic, but i feel like hed almost purposefully try to crash his emotions before very important missions? so he would be emotionless for them. of course, this probably would not end well- i think hed also probably be self destructive, doing 'dumb' but not really dumb things, just. reckless. they work. most of the time. but sometimes he gets stupidly injured because of it. and yet he will keep doing it. i think hed listen to like. a bunch of different types of music. pop, rock, random obscure song no one but him has ever heard of, you name it!! i feel like him n cross would like to watch like, legal and cop shows. idk why but it fits them to me. i think theyd watch it with like the audio descriptions for killer, and cross would definately pause it and describe other stuff it misses (side note, i have decent vision but OMFG I LOVE THE AUDIO DESCRIPTIONS? they r so cool fr) Killer would have no consistent fashion. the only common factor is they are either work outfit (his modifyed fighting outfit) or. for fun. in which case they are extremely over the top! no straight ppl fashion here (joking tone). Rainbow decora one day, extremely gothing the next, really anything as long as it looks cool, hed try it! he definately has a large wardrobe! oh also. my version cant summon his eyelights at all, the hate ate them :(

Nightmare

fINALLY!!!! MY EXTREMELY UNCANON NIGHTMARE!!! I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!! any pronoun agender nightmare is here and real!!!! i dont like.. mean nightmare.... i like family bad sanses or bsp so... niceish nightmare? also i just call her mare n mainly default to she/her so. get used to that for this LMFAO uwahh,,, so i lov eher thats all (joking) SO. i think mares corruption has somewhat of a mind of its own, but its directly linked to her. the corruption would usually be solid but if shes very upset it will start dripping, and the tentacles will always be a telling sign of her mood- i honestly dont think shed fight that much. shed mainly stay to the side and moniter, but would intervein if anybody got very hurt or if the others were getting too intense SO. HER MAGIC :3c. I associate nightmare with water. like very intensely. and dream with fire but this isnt about dream- i imagine nightmare would have 3 main types of magic; her corruption magic ofc, emotion magic, and illusion magic. the corruption magic is tentacles, the general appearance, and the *slight* modifaction ability. i think she could make herself taller or shorter, and horrifyingly, move her bones arround indivudually- i think from when the apple event first happened, her body is basically completely destroyed, so if she was ever to be 'saved' or uncorrupted, she would die before it was even done. i think she can safely uncorrupt small parts for small amounts of time, but she never really does. i love shapeshifting nightmare, but for my ver, that isnt from her corruption magic, its illusion magic, so ill get to it in a minute :3 The emotion magic has 3 states id say, influencing, changing, and directly controlling. Influencing is just that, shifting emotions slightly, either negatively or positively (i hc dream and nightmare can both do both sides of emotion magic), or influencing them slightly towards something (making them calmer, happier, sadder, ect.) Note; this wont completely change the emotion, just shifting it slightly one way. shed probably use this one subconciously, and only does it on purpose sometimes. the influencing emotions can also be affected by her own. Next is directly changing them, which is. well what it sounds like. making someone whos panicking calm. making someone whos upset feel okay. directly changing their emotion, but without controlling it if that makes sense? if she makes someone whos panicking calm, but the thing that made them panic is still there, they can panic again. VERSUS! directly controlling, which is the strongest of the 3 states. this would be making someone sad and making them stay that way, or with any other emotion. this one can be useful during raid missions, where she can force the residents of the au to be calm and ignore it while the others get supplies. this one she only really uses on those outside the gang, or in very specific situations for the gang. the direct controling emotions is also very closely tied with her illusion magic, which i now get to explain :3c

So the illusion magic has a pretty self explanitory name, but i think theres a few different ways she would use it. 1, for personal shapeshifting, basically using illusions to make herself appear different. 2, illusions on others, which in itself has 2 main ways to use. she could use it the same way she does on herserlf, making them appear and look different, or she could do whats more like 'delusion' magic or mind control. basically her physically taking over their mind, locking them in a dreamlike state, whilst she is able to influence their body. i think shes mainly use this one on enemies, and not very often as it takes a lot of power. i think shed either have to touch them to be able to active it, or thru another way ill explain in a bit:3 i think all her magic would be closly tied to water. her illusions would have a watery ripple effect when they are put in place, the mind control causes a watery swirl in both her eye and theirs, i also think all her portals would have a watery effect, and if she ever teleports, the way she sinks into either like a wall or the floor to move has a watery ripple. I ALSO LOVE NIGHTMARE N DREAM HAVING DREAM MAGIC!!! i imagine there is sort of a pocket reality called the dreamscape, where the dreams physically are, in sort of like little bubbles. they would have different swirly colours convenying the tones of the dreams, and nightmare and dream would be able to enter dreams, or influence them from the realm (though the can have a more direct influence if they enter). I think the bubbles would all float around in this sort of endless flower field, and at the center would be the tree of feelings, except its now a stump, reflecting the tree of feelings in the real world. this place is definately neutral ground, and i think dream and nightmare would talk to each other here sometimes, even just for a minute. my versions dont actually hate each other, but more think the other hates them for what happened. (communication would solve so many multiversal issues im just saying).

ANYWAYS! I think nightmare would spend a lot of time in the dreamscape, just roaming, viewing dreams. and i feel like if you went far enough it would slowly start to bleed into showing things happening in the physical world. the dreamscape would be a lot darker in thoses areas. i imagine itd start to bleed into the void, which is why it shows that. i think nightmare goes there to moniter things when she doesnt want to be present physically. i think they could also take other people to the dream realm if they choose. I think itd be less of a physical realm though. I think dream and nightmare can enter it fully, physical bodies and all but if anyone else is brought their body stays in the regular world. oh i also imagine nightmare have water ripples around her feet when she walks. no matter if theres no water there, it just always happens. i imagine nightmare with burn scars on half of her bones (same side as the covered eye), bcs i love the idea of the villagers trying to burn her at the stake. i think nightmares bones look smooth and shiny mostly, but if you touch them you can feel the thousands of cracks and breaks and burns n ect. i also think shed feel cold to touch. also the goop would taste like rotten sour apples. i just like that idea.

i think shes able to touch people, but she has more influence if she does, so she trys to be careful when doing it. with that being said, i think shes touch starved!!!!! n i feel like her tentacles would constantly go towards wrapping themselves around the gang. i think she wears a crown, but its a new one she made herself. though she still has her original, hidden away. i LOVE the idea of nightmare having a shit tone of hobbies shes amazing at from having hundreds of years to learn things. ive nvr seen anyone else suggest this one but i hc shed make jewlerly. rings necklances brooches pins, her own crown, ect. i feel like shed make something special for each of the gang members. ALSO!! HERES WHERE THE OTHER MIND CONTROL METHOD COMES IN!!!! i hc nightmare would be very good at singing. but. siren style. i think she really enjoys singing, but usually only gets to do it in private or in the dreamscape, otherwise she risks controlling someone with it. however, i think the gang has little sound blockers shes given them, in case she ever need to use it on a mission. in addition, i think shed enjoy dancing, and can do it more because it has no risks. i think she definately knows a bunch of ancient styles lost to time. i also love the idea of her having a bunch things collected from over the years, tons of paintings, artworks, collectibles, so many things. i think a lot of them would be spread around the castle, but some special ones would be hidden in a small room only she had access to. i also think shed play a ton of instruments, but espcially violin! ALSO! BOOKS!! oml. books. she has. too many. i imagine her having a huge library. like im talking spanning multiple floors of the castle giant library. there is at least 2 secret book doors in it im sure. shed definately meticulously sort it. i think shed be very very organized. also. i bet she speaks like. 12 languages. 6 of which are completely outdated. also she wears a dress. i dont make the rules (i do, this is my version, i make them all. and she wears a dress-) i imagine itd be a very dark black, but like, basically floor length and very. regal looking. i think itd be slightly ripped up at the bottom as well. it would be very fancy. not pratical, but fancy. she doesnt do much fighting, it doesnt need to be practical- i think shed be very. other worldy- like, seem almost (for lack of a better word, delusional) to regular people. in reality she just. knows a lot but does not know how to properly convey herself in a way that seems normal, and she doesnt really care to either. also i think shed be up to date with modern tech, because nothing is funnier to me than the idea of nightmare texting the gang missions and ending it with a kaomoji (this is canon to my version because its so fucking funny to me-)

ok theres. theres probably more let me be honest but ive been writing for. like 3 hours. and this is already way more than i planned! but tysm, this was super fun to do!!! and now i finally have a shit ton of these written out!!!!! i need to. draw them sometime bcs of my design modifications. but anyways. if you actually read all of this i am. so impressed- TYSM AGAIN FOR THE ASK!!!! I LOVE THESE HC ASKS AND WILL GLADLY DO MORE :3c

[mediocre-noodle]

had a silly interaction in class today ->

class was mental health and counseling (love that class fr) and a slide came up w a chart that was like. hhh lemme-

one if these!! without the extra annotations.

now to edit it. with words.

“you’re okay” -> chronic illness

“you’re not okay” -> perfect physical health

“i’m okay” -> no chronic illness

“im not okay” -> poor physical health

thats just context. anyways.

teacher was like— okay who in here has perfect physical health?

and no one raised their hands i think.

he them went on about how he had good physical health but then something happened and he started downhill and now hes poor physical health.

lastly he was like “and i doubt any of us have chronic illness in here. except for maybe a few” (AND IT FELT LIKE HE STARED AT ME. /j)

and i sit there like.

aha. right. totally. -> CURRENTLY HAS A MIGRAINE. chronic migraines. you gotta hate them.

i thought it was hilarious i wanted to raise my hand and be like *lipbite* im not like other girls (bc im not a girl but yk) (dramatized ofc. was waiting for him to be like “who in here has a chronic illness and id be like THIS BITCH. HI. I NEED ADVIL AND MY EMERGENCY MED BC OUWCH.)

and he was also talking about reasons ppl dont get professional help and asked for examples and MY HAND SHOT UP. someone else said stigma (good choice. basic.) and i said affordability.

teacher was like yeah it can be expensive. has anyone asked their parents how much healthcare costs monthly (i am VERY aware of how much i cost)? how do uou expect to pay for stuff when you get out of high school? how will you pay for college?? etc etc (not at me)

i wanted so badly to raise my hand and throw my cents in, bc i have the experimece, and be like. without insurance, one of my meds cost over $1000. thats only ONE medication too. doesnt even count doctor visits and all that other stuff. advil must dent our shopping lost sm.

anyways waaa im home. thor is sleeping on the floor of the bathroom.

omg i thought i replied to this OOPSIES

anyways i love shit like this where the teacher is like “anyways heres a thing that probably doesnt apply to any of you” and you have to sit there like “:333 hii”

[its-koili]

hey guys. sorry for being gone for so long. heres an update

(tw for: mention of violence / gore, general distress, mental health issues)

(tw below)

.

basically i had a huge mental health crisis. i was having 24/7 constant rolling panic attacks from may of 2023 to january of this year. my last big meltdown was in early february. been processing a lot of CSA trauma and some recent trauma that ive gone through. i think i talked about my panic attacks before leaving social media but idk i dont remember. isolated myself from absolutely everybody.

the main thing that made me leave was that while i was keeping up to date on the g3n0c1d3 (censoring bc idk how tumblr is about it), and when i was looking in the replies / related of the awareness videos, i came across 4 accounts dedicated to using gore for clicks / shock. not videos of the g3n0c1d3 (thank god bc of how they were using the vids) but of unfortunate every day situations and cam footage. like, the kind of stuff you could see on liveleak back in 2010. just out in the open on twitter. they all had usernames like "(insert number here) ways to die)". they were all content farms for click/ad revenue. it was too much it was a huge trigger and i had a full on meltdown. the bluecheck ppl on twitter were using the replies of the videos people uploaded for raising awareness to upload mindless g0re for money. the fact that peoople have 0 compassion for human life sent me into a spiral that i couldnt get out of. (i reported 3 out of the 4 accounts i was able to and 3 got taken down but 1 is still up and it odesnt seem to be uploading the hardcore g0r3 anymore. so thats good. but that was one of the reasons i left social media. ive been keeping up to date w the news but thats it. i left my socials entirely and ive only been on my phone to look up recipes or to use my computer for media research groceries and gaming and shows

that was the main thing that pushed me to leave. i just couldnt take it anymore. during the start of my crisis last year, i was planning on taking a small break, but all of that pushed me over the edge and i dropped everything. after that, my issues got worse and i dont remember most of it. thankfully. but i couldnt bring myself to talk to anybody. i isolated myself and just. laid in bed. but im doing better so i guess thats good

on another topic ive beeen nervous to post this on main but during all of this (ive talked abt tihs a little bit on my priv before i left) i found out that im a system a long while back. my dad (one of my abusers) had/has DID and it terrified me to think that i could be anything like him. i also knew cereal abuser who pretended to be a system to get away with stuff/abusing their friends (and then years later admitted that they werent a system and siad that systems are fake.) LOTS of tears. lots of crying over this. was in denial for a few weeks. cried some more. then eventually came to terms with it.

i dont want to post abt my system online too much bc i dont want to act like this is some fun trendy thing bc its not. it makes day to day living very hard (some lighter/funnier issues that make it hard are: arguing with an alter bc YOU dont know where THEY put YOUR MEDS, not being able to cook because one alter can and the other cant, your art style not being consistent because their styles are different). i dont want to really make it a massive part of my identity online bc its not a big deal! theres just Multiple Little Guys in my brain. so. im a system! im the same but....this explains why i dont remember talking to certain people SUIDHUFHX. i always felt bad. makes conversing with online friends hard especially if icons/usernames are changed. ill make a separate post about this someday thatll go into detail a bit more.

i went years thinking it was just "kinning" but it wasnt lol. it turns out that your personality completely shifting, tastes in food / music / art / media changing, the way you walk / talk dress changing, and having complete memory blackouts when you """"kin shift"""" isn't normal. /lh (dw ive had a lot of time to come to terms with this)

but basically right now ive been spending time getting to,,know myself?? iive been using simplyplural for myself for several months and im uncovering a lot of my memories / trauma ect bc alters can write down what they need to in the chat. so i can go back later and read it. its been v helpful!

i will not be coming back just yet. i have no interest in using social media rn or drawing or writing unfortunately. ive been working on my original stuff here and there but i havent been drawaing fandom stuff bc im not hyperfixating on a fandom.

also. some things have come up. im not going to say anything until the party in question is stable/safe/comfortable before i even suggest anything for context (i dont plan on talking abt anything at all unless they start talking publicly). right now i am helping someone through abuse. their wellbeing is my #1 concern. i'll think about other things after im sure theyre okay.

i dont really have any resolutions as to how things are going but i do feel better and im not having as many panic attacks. i dont really know where im going with this now sorry. just trying to brush over the basic topics before i go. idk if anybody remembers me bc ive been gone for so long so idk if im just talking into the wind but if i am thats fine honestly this is helping me reorganize my thoughts (i type these vents out a lot on docs so i probably wont remember posting this hiudhvu)

other than that. i dont draw or write anymore. i think in the past 6 months ive drawn like....5 things. its. weird. im completely disconnected from fandoms now. coming up to a full year of not having a hyperfixation at all.

my bday was on the 6th. im 27 now im very old (everybody forgot it asides from my husband (and the people he reminded) n my abuser). ive been trying to cook and bake more and ive been playing video games again. planning on getting back into drawing soon and working on my original stuff. when i come back im planning on redesigning my profiles and updating my social media bios and stuff bc theyre so old. also ill make a section on my carrd for my system. there you go theres some positivity to the update nxfjdfjh. sorry if i dont seem very enthused im very tired so typing has been a chore hfuidshuifv.

sorry that this was a lot or if it seems disjointed i was trying to put down as much into this as possible without making it too long

bye!!! see u all soon!

[aristotels]

Of course all problems and inequalities are direct consequence of modernity and in the past those who are now considered undesirable were considered divine and definitely weren't treated even worse and didn't have access to anything that resembles accomodations. Let's bring those times back!

In Ancient Rome specifically there was no hospitalisation, yes, but also people who were considered mad couldn't make financial and legal operations on their own at all and couldn't be citizens, and were considered pariahs by their communities. This is not to say that you are wrong because you picked the wrong time to see as "when things were better", it's that just because what causes problems now is capitalism doesn't mean that before it people were always kind and caring, everything is much older.

(Or that removing the money would fix everything on its own, for that matter)

are you literally so stupid to fail to see my point

the point isnt "LOOK WHAT THEY TOOK FROM US" the point is that fears and delusions depend on the society youre brought up in; and also sorry that a 5 sentences tumblr post didnt go into history of medical malpractice, it was a lighthearted post made by someone with those very issues

yeah, if i lived then, then id have a different delusion more fit to those times - but it would not resemble my current paranoia or nightmares of being drugged or talked to the way ive had medical staff talk to me bc those things are specific to our society.

(Also you can still have your rights denied for being mentally ill today as well?????? what happened to free britney??? And like My family doctor once literally suggested to my dad to involountary check me into psych ward which was smth my psychiatrist at the time was very much trying to avoid because he KNEW how dehumanizing that is, he spent more than sn hour trying to figure out if my visions of suicide were actual suicide risk or intrusive thoughts; telling me later that he was willing to gamble such a huge risk and responsibility he would have to take in case i actually did smth to myself - just to keep me out of the hospital stay because he worked there and SAW how dehumanizing it is. because getting in the ward here doesnt mean youre done when youre out, this shit affects FUCKLOAD of things in your life!)

are you really trying to be like "LETS TAKE AWAY ACCOMODATIONS FROM PEOPLE WHO SUFFER WOOW GOOD JOB" in my inbox rn btw considering that i am literally schizophrenic w some other mental illnesses, and that i take fucking meds upon meds for it, including antipsychotics??????? and i am also very grateful for those aids, but even with meds my condition will never be resolved and its severity very much depends on the people/society around me. my delusions while living in croatia might differ from someone who lives in the usa.

i literally have no patience or attention or care or anything to argue with you rn, if you wanna discuss political or economical or marxist or whatever theory in my inbox go ahead, but i am NOT arguing about my own fucking lived experience and having you speak to me this way, in an incredibly entitled and dismissive way. its late and im going to bed. i genuinely dont care for your "ummmmm ekshually capitalism is noot thaaat bad-" shit while i keep having episodes on the daily in a big part due to fuckin capitalism. losing my other job is putting me through stress because i have no money, but it also eased up certain aspects of my illness because i dont have to hit hardcore fucking deadlines every week.

p.s. who the fuck is talking about money not existing. if you are gonna bring that up within communist theory and up for a serious discussion thats a whole other thing, but moneyless and stateless society doesnt just rest on tadaaah no money, like theres a reason marx wrote books n essays on that shit and why daddy engels sent him checks. and even in ideal communist world we would still have mental illnesses, but i am absolutely positive that my thoughts would differ than the current ones and that they would probably be less severe. and also why is this implying that communism wont have like the fuckin medication

i usually take care to carefully reply to asks and try to actually give a serious opinion but i gen dont care if i sound incoherent rn, this legit pissed me off

[buggerzz]

any product recs/stuff that makes ur life easier for a struggling disabled artist ? orz

I dont have much money so i have not bought a lot of things-

With my joint issues, it helps to wear compression stuff. Especially gloves. Trust me. Its worth it.

Generally bracing, i usually do my knees and wrist if needed. If i know im going to be standing or walking a lot, ill brace my knees. (I need to get new knee braces bc the ones i have currently are not doing what they need to)

ARTIST WISE- definitely compression gloves. If u use a tablet they are also good drawing gloves to protect the tablet from oils! If u crochet or knit or craft, theyre very helpful in preventing carpal tunnel aswell!

Always keep note of ur body! "Do my wrists need a break? Is this position ok on my knees? Am i subluxating my shoulder rn????" And other questions about breaks and positioning help me to. I also currently have my tablet and most crafts next to my bed, so if it gets especially bad i can lay down or move. Also nearby my meds lmao. Its also WAY easier to prop up my shoulders, knees, etc. And keep them from hyperextending in bed.

Also also, i have that all set up on a medical table like this. I got mine from my mom after her surgeries, but i reccomend getting a much bigger one because mine is a balancing act. Not good. GET ONE WITH WHEELS!!!! my one also pivots so i dont need to sleep with it over me or mess with it much.

I have a pain chart to assess where im at, if i pass an 8 i take a break or at LEAST grab my heat pad/pain meds.

I also keep water handy!! If i need meds or if im cramping/spasming it helps me to drink water.

Other tips i have are getting a stool to sit on in the shower! A shower chair would be better, but i share my bathroom with 3 other people and also. Money. So i dont have one currently. Also for showers- if it's harder for you to do hygeine because of your physical OR mental state, you can brush your teeth in the shower. Do it before washing, but like. Its better than not brushing, and when thats all you can do, do it. Also also, having something IN the shower to hold on to- sitting or standing, can also help. I have water guards and those have saved my skull TOO MANY TIMES. also showers help my brain and my body! The water temperature can act as an all over heating pad or ice pack and help with pain.

I love showers they are my best friend. Sad? Get in the shower. Hurt? Into the shower!!!

Heat pads help me, other people react well to heat. See if pain meds can help, but i only really take mine when im at an 8-10 because im paranoid about medicines.

Physical therapy ofc, its been helping me a bit. My place is pretty affordable too! Got lucky with that.

The only other thing I recommend is a rolling chair. If you have mobility issues or your knees hurt too bad to walk, but wheelchairs/mobility aids are too expensive, a rolling chair can work in the house. It's hard to go over bumps, but it's possible. My chair is ALSO broken !!! The back broke off because we've had it for 6+ years. Generally stools and chairs are good. Also just recognizing that you can do a decent amount of stuff while sitting helps. Just ,, sit.

Obv actual mobility aids are BETTER, but I dont have access to them so I make do!!!

Food wise, it can be SOO much easier to eat convenience meals (microwave stuff, sandwiches, etc) and if thats all u have to work with, its better than nothing! But i do reccomend having leftovers when you cook. Microwave that and its usually healthier and tastier and just as easy and non-physically taxing.

I also like to work ahead whemever possible. On good days i will prepare EVERYTHING needed for any physically hard task i have coming up. If i need a checklist or tasklist or a bag of items or to find something i lost, ill do that when its easiest.

ANYWAYS THAT WAS LONG. TLDR: rolly chairs, bed tables,compression gloves & other compression stuff, joint braces, topical treatments, pain meds, stools for the shower & other items for shower safety. HEAT PADS /ice packs

Actions: regular physical checkins, sit down more, do pt if possible, roll around the house, shower more, keep water handy, make extra leftovers for later, shower more, do what u can WHEN u can, prop up/support any loose joints with pillows.

[smileymoth]

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

[moodr1ng]

like prev post is one example i happen to be talking about for once but ig what i mean is like. every little small inconsequential thing that my mind could turn into "you look suspicious right now", that i could possibly suspect means someone thinks poorly of me (w no evidence of that whatsoever), that i can possibly twist into somehow being about how Everyone Secretly Hates Me And Thinks Im A Liar And A Fraud, i will. the most minor things. every day of my life. i am plagued by a constant fear that everyone thinks im always lying, that everyone is always suspecting me of Something, all the time.

every time i go to the pharmacy to pick up my completely normal mental health medications i think "the pharmacist thinks im a malingerer whos faking mental illness to try and get drugs". when they ask "thats two boxes right?" im terrified of saying "yes", even though yeah, my prescription is for two boxes of these meds, bc if i say "yes, give me two boxes and not one", its gonna be confirmation that im a liar whos just trying to get more meds. even though thats. literally just what im prescribed.

its like that about everything. i have to overperform truthfulness at all times, because just knowing im telling the truth isnt enough, i also have to convince everyone else that im telling the truth, all the time, because Everyone Always Thinks Im A Liar in my mind. if i, like, tell a friend on discord "going to bed now!" and then while getting ready for bed i make one last post on tumblr like 5 minutes later i think "my friend is gonna see this and think i lied about going to bed and that i was trying to avoid them on purpose because im a bad friend". if i tell someone about a condition i have i assume they doubt i actually have it and think im lying for attention. if i tell people im bigender and they react with total acceptance i think "theyre actually thinking im obviously just a binary man who is lying about being bigender so i can intrude upon women in some way, but they cant say it bc they dont want to look transphobic". if i tell people about abuse i suffered as a child and they react with horror and compassion i think "theyre thinking im making it up or exaggerating so i can get pity, theyre just forced to pretend they believe me to not be rude". if im having a mental health episode and someone is concerned about my well being i think "they think im doing this on purpose and putting on a show to force them to take care of me". and if i try to tell my therapist about symptoms im experiencing i think "he thinks literally everything i say about my mental health is a lie i tell so i can get on disability and get meds, so i have to hide part of my symptoms from him because the less i tell the less suspicious i am". i literally cant discuss this very belief w my therapist because i am convinced that if i told him "im constantly terrified that everyone, including you, thinks im lying about everything so i can get attention or some other benefit" he would think "ah, my liar patient is claiming that hes afraid of being seen as a liar to throw me off his scent. this is actually more proof that hes lying, hes laying down the precedent that hes not a liar in order to cover further lies".

all the time. all the time. and i cant make it stop. and i cant talk about it because i think anyone i tell about this is going to think "ah, yes, The Liar is insisting shes not a liar, which only a liar would do". i literally think anyone reading this very post is going to think "youre talking about this too much, youre trying too hard to come off as truthful, obviously youre trying to cover up your lies, in fact this very post proves you do lie about being mentally ill and abused and you lie to your therapist to get drugs and you probably stole that girls bonnet too, everything you say you didnt do is just a preemptive cover for having done it".

but well. if i keep refusing to talk about it im only feeding it. because the more i avoid talking about it to not trigger it, the more i reinforce the idea that "if i talk about it, everyone will turn against me" as legitimate. so, whatever, i guess. im just very tired, you know. i wish it would stop sometimes. i wish i could trust that anyone regards me in good faith. i think it also sucks of me to assume the worst out of everyone like this - to just think everyone is out to get me or always regarding me in the worst possible light. idk. i just wish i could make it stop. ill make an effort to finally tell my therapist tomorrow. but idk if ill have the guts yet.

[sanriopropaganda]

vent under the cut

ive had two best friends in my life, one from elementary to high school who moved away when we were 14 and we grew apart, and the other i met in my freshman year of college who dropped me for a romantic partner. i haven’t been able to find anyone since.

i have close friends, i even have people i might consider some of my best friends, but those people have their own best friend, and it’s not me. im not apart of a friend group, i mostly just bounce around from hangout to hangout. i interact with people a lot! im friends with a good number of people! i just. don’t have that one person that everyone else seems to.

i thought i had found a good group of girls that could maybe be a friend group since i don’t have one since moving back home. they were already friends, and i met them through a mutual friend that was also fairly new to the group. i was just scrolling on instagram today and i saw that there was a birthday party i wasn’t invited to that i just. had to find out through social media had happened. even the newer person was invited.

and maybe i had overinflated my position, or maybe i saw or felt something that wasn’t mutual, but after being invited to other gatherings and parties with the full group, it hurt! and then i started thinking about how they dont really talk to me outside of those hangouts. and there was a group chat they forgot to add me to (whether or not it was purposeful or not i don’t know). i thought maybe we would talk more as time went on, and ive tried to initiate those conversations, but. it’s never worked out.

and ik no one is obligated to hang out with me, ik no one is obligated to invite me to anything, especially since we haven’t known each other for a full year. but it just sucks bc like. im never anyone’s person. im no one’s best friend. people aren’t really jumping at the chance to be with me. i feel like the same lonely kid i always have been.

and it also just feels like. all for nothing? ive done so much work. i try really hard to be someone people like. i think im personable and nice and funny and people say i come off as confident. i dress nicely, i try to talk to people, i try to be supportive and there for others when they need to vent. ive changed so much. im no longer that shy awkward teen i once was, and thats great! i have my moments bc of social anxiety, but i have done a lot to be someone that people want to be around. and of course i have my flaws and things i try to work on but. it all just feels like it’s for nothing. bc im still that kid that doesn’t have a lunch table to sit at. and i feel like im letting myself down.

but even then i feel like it’s all fake. i don’t know where the real me ends and the mask begins. how much of me being a good person is me? how much of it is what i think other people want to see? i don’t know! but sometimes i think. that mask may slip, and i say something weird, or im a little too loud, or i get too excited and i talk too much, or i get too comfortable and i think someone may like me for me! and they don’t.

and ik the reaction to that may be “well you need to know yourself before you can be loved”. i don’t know if that’s ever going to happen! i truly don’t! ive been mentally ill and lonely my whole life. and they just. feed into each other. idk how to separate the loneliness from myself, I don’t know what it means to not feel like this. but does that mean i don’t deserve to love and be loved? aren’t there other people who have found connections and joy and love while being like me? what is it about me that is so repugnant? i try really hard, i genuinely do, i go to therapy and i only sometimes take my meds but i am genuinely really trying and i dont know why im not getting anywhere. but i want to be better, i really do! even with the depression, and the anxiety, and the bpd, i really do try.

i just want to be someone people genuinely truly like and want to be around. i want to meet people and have them think “wow i want to be her friend”. i want to not get dropped for other people. i want to be someone’s first choice. but im not. i want to have a group of people, and even just one, that i think of and who thinks of me when those silly memes of “me and the girls” pop up.

and sometimes i wonder if im just destined to be alone. it really sucks, but i wish some cosmic entiry or god or something would tell me that that’s just the way i am. and that i should just stop trying bc it’ll never matter anyway. it would make it hurt less. but there is no cosmic entity and there is no god and there is no here’s the life ive always dreamed of i will make it mine. it’s just being alone.

so im stuck. trying and failing and wondering what’s wrong with me. maybe im really not as great at being a person as i thought. maybe i am still just ugly and weird and it eventually shows. but i keep trying because thats all i know how to do. until the cosmic entity or god or whoever shows up and tells me to stop.

i really just want to run away a lot of the time. if i moved to some new city far away then i still wouldn’t have friends but i would have an excuse! but i can’t bc i don’t know how and im scared. im really scared that nothing will ever change and ill die alone. probably by my own hand if it gets much worse. but im scared of that too.

[t4tdanvis]

Dante selfcest rant 👀 👀

-@gendervoid-zane

im going to shove a couple (read: many) posts ive previously made about this here and then rant about it MORE bc im MENTALL ILL!!!!!

now AHEM

u see this could work with mcd dante ending up in the mys universe OR mys dante ending up in the mcd universe - or even they go back and forth between both!! either way could be very interesting and silly

with mcd dante ending up in the mys universe, it would be very funny to watch him try to figure out what the Fuck is going on bc mf has no idea what a phone or a computer is and is just so fucking confused. at first mys dante is more focused on going "hey wanna play video games!!!" to stop and process that mcd dante doesnt even know what a video game is. and then seeing mcd dantes confusion at Literally Everything he decides to sit down and try to explain things (unfortunately mys dante is Dumb - fortunately mcd dante is equally Dumb so mys dante going "this is a phone... it does... stuff.... you can call people!! idk how they made it able to do that tho dont ask me :D" is good enough for him)

on the other hand, with mys dante ending up in the mcd universe, itd be even Crazier because mys dante (who is used to having the internet and a car and big cities etc) is now stuck in the medieval era. thankfully mcd dante is here to help!! except he does a horrible job of helping bc he just goes "well im sure he'll figure everything out!" and then hands mys dante a sword - and is shocked when he ends up getting injured. mys dante doesnt mind because running around and throwing himself into danger is fun (especially when he gets to do that with a "friend" (read: boyfriend who he hasnt figured out hes dating yet))!! mys dante is also Struggling because adhd meds dont exist yet and his brain is completely fried and he can barely function until zoey figures out how to make potions thatll help. which leads to mys dante bouncing off the walls and mcd dante having to practically drag him to bed every night to get him to go to sleep, until mys dante Finally is able to function properly again

and, of course, the inherent romantic comedy of "i cant be in love with this other version of myself nope nope nope- oh god the other version of me is hot". the first time they kissed they stared at each other for a solid five minutes before mcd dante went "so uh.... yeah....." and mys dante just went "that was like... kissing myself. haha"

they are both Dumb and do not know how to function correctly around each other. they are mischievous silly little guys who cant stop getting into trouble and getting injured and doing stupid shit (but its ok bc their friends somehow keep them from getting themselves killed). and also they definitely tried to make out in a tree but ended up falling out of it and getting hurt. and at one point they tried to make out underwater and somehow didnt realize how stupid of an idea thatd be until they almost drowned. theyre gay and silly and dumb ur honor

this post was uhhhh way longer than id expected but thats ok ty for listening to me rant sorry it took a bit to type all this LOL

[petewentzisblack1312]

Have you done an analysis of bishop’s knife trick yet? I feel like you have but I’m struggling to find it. I am so excited for FOB8 but in the same token I’m not ready to be brought to tears again like “I know I should walk away, know I should walk away/But I just want to let you break my brain/and I can't seem to get a grip/No, no matter how I live with it” just broke me listening to it again

I’ve been going through really bad mental health period and usually I’m used to the depression like it’s whatever but that’s not what this is like I feel like I’m losing my mind, I can’t sleep and yeah not to bitch about my mental health in your ask box but this song means so much to me rn bc like I’m terrified to go on meds so those lines make me want to bite Pete so lol. TLDR I would love your analysis ❤️ I feel like you always do such a good job on bringing mental health into it bc I feel like a lot of people ignore that aspect of Pete’s writing and want to make it all about relationships and like, it’s much deeper than that and You Get It

yes i have dones an analysis of bishops knife trick, you can find that here! im flattered that you like my analysis

ive also mentioned in a different post how "blue" in fall out boy is ambiguous because it can mean so many things. like are they the blues we sing or the blues we take or the blues we feel? i think the line "these are the last blues were ever gonna have/lets see how deep we get" is a good example of this. is it the last time the persona is taking their meds and theyre anticipating flying off the deep end? is it the last time they expect to be sad but they dont think its going to last? is this the last time theyre going to sing? i like that it could be multiple different things.

also, i just want to say to you that it can definitely be scary to try medication. i was worried it would take away my creativity (though i was suffering so much i was willing to trade that) however it really just made the negatives of my mental illness more manageable. im more able to channel my creativity in healthy ways. it actually allowed me to be more me than ever! that being said, if you decide you dont want to be medicated (and that is an option!) many people find success with frequent regular therapy sessions to build a toolbox to handle their symptoms. in my opinion you can effectively do therapy without medication (although it takes dedication to improving), but you cant really do medication without therapy!

i can tell you that i know what its like to feel like youre losing your mind and not be able to sleep and feel out of control and stuff, thats how i feel when im manic, and its. bad. like it feels good sometimes when youre like agitated and happy. but when youre agitated and upset, god is it bad. im hoping you get through this without any major crises. i recommend telling a friend youre feeling unstable so that they can check in with you. that line that you quoted specifically too, its so insane. like it describes the feeling so well. you know youre crossing lines, and maybe you been this way before and you feel like you should know how to deal with it but you dont because the feeling of being in it is so intoxicating that you just keep moving past the breaking point cuz you cant seem to get a grip no matter how long you live with it.

when i hear bishops knife trick all i can think is "i'll live if it kills me"