#but testosterone got me staring at myself and going

[elysiuminfra]

looked in the mirror recently and came to important realizations

my body is my home, and i live in it

my body is a tool that i can use

my body is a living sculpture of sinew and skin, and i am still growing into it

there is nothing wrong with my body

there is nothing wrong with my body

[prettyboyrxpist]

My little brother Zee wanted to hang with me and my friends cuz were hot and smoke weed and he's a fucking cum hungry faggot.

He genuinely thought I didn't know what he really wanted when he said that he just liked Alessi because no one else he knew liked Mad K, or when he swore he was just staring because he thought Devonte's scars were really cool, but the runt knows by now that Genjutsu of that level doesnt work on me.

Of course I'm sex positive, I'm a slut and I love to nurture more sluts, if he wanted to get his pussy stretched pounded and filled up, if he wanted to fuck my friends, choke on cocks and piss himself in carnal ecstasy, I'm in his corner all the way.

But No One Is Sinking Into My Little Brother's Pussy Before I Do.

So I let him think hes pulled one over on me. I invited him to come camp with us, were gonna roll blunts, drop acid, barbecue and set off fireworks.

All that and the chance to get split open by one of my friends? What self respecting little brother slut could refuse?

And he didn't. Its probably the most impactful decision he's ever made.

Because when we got to camp and fell under the qualia of our intoxicants and cover of starlight and got high enough to see rythmic mandalas dancing in the shadows of our fire and he started touching Alessi's thighs I had no choice but do what i did and it irrevocably changed the direction of our relationship.

I grabbed him by his waist and picked him up and away from Alessi. Alessi's face fell from a grin to an expressionless combination of shock and curiosity. He knew what was about to happen, I'd told the both of them beforehand.

But i dont think they believed I'd really do it.

I carried him over to the tent, playfully shaming his desperation.

"You don't get embarassed, throwing yourself guys you barely know?"

"Of course you dont. Youre a testosterone pumped desperate little cuntboy faggot. All you care about is getting a fat cock in you."

"You want to bounce on dick so fucking bad dont you dirty fucking hole?"

Zee whined like a puppy when he could manage any sound at all in response.

"l'll be honest i thought you'd fold for Devonte before Alessi, but you're such a cum thirsty whore I bet you'd even fuck them both at once."

"Lucky you, youre gonna get them both."

"But first, youre gonna get something soooo much better."

I placed him on his back on the floor of the tent, he didnt let go of me.

Devonte and Alessi stayed close and watched us from just outside the tent, I wish theyd come in but i get it. They probably wanted to keep some distance from the monster who got his little brother tripping balls so he could rape him into a devoted pet cum slut.

I started peeling off Zee's clothes and watched his face twist into sick combination of shame and rapt anticipation. He was blushing redder than a strawberry and he would later confess to me that in that moment he was more afraid that I wouldnt go through with it than anything else (isnt my little brother the best?)

Once his soft pink glistening little cunt was out I was acutely reminded of the fact that I was an animal. And might as well have ripped my clothes from my body. His eyes were fixed on my cock like he'd never seen one before (turns out he hadn't, not irl anyway)

He was already soaking wet, I'd thank Alessi for rizzing him up but all four of us know he was so wet because he was boiling with the uncontrollable ecstasy of knowing he was about to get fucked by his big brother's fat throbbing cock.

I hooked my arms under his knees and pulled them spread nice and wide, the scent of his cum starved little cunny will be burned into my memory for all my time. I couldnt helo myself, I lined us up and forced the tip of my cock into him. Then more of me. Then more, and more until the tip of me was nestled neatly against his cervix, like he was made for me. Probably Because he was, what else are little siblings for?

He looked to be having a rougher time.

Digging his nails into my arms, gasping and opening his sweet little doe eyes so fucking wide and desperate. Pleading with me not to stop. He looked like he was about to cry, but in a good way.

Not that i'd have stopped if it was in a bad way.

1/?

[godisshook]

Campus Files: Tommy

Tommy was more than a jock, he was the only real man in the whole school. It was as if he absorbed all the testosterone on campus. I first met him at tutoring. I was struggling in biology, and he had already passed the class. Our appointment got cut off by me getting hard in the middle of it. His massive muscles had sent my mind racing, and I had to quickly excuse myself. I avoided him like the plague afterward, I was afraid of how he would react and was ashamed I even let that happen. I didn't know it then, but he had set his sights on me. There was one simple fact about Tommy: he always got what he wanted. I ran into him at a toga party, and I sealed my fate then and there, spilling my drink into him in the middle of the night. Silence came over the crowd, as my face became beet-red, unable to hide my shame. In an accusatory tone, Tommy said, "You know you're gonna have to pay for this, right?" I tried to scan his face for signs of joking, but couldn't make out anything. After a moment of silence; he chuckled, and my tensed body immediately relaxed. I let out a nervous laugh as he said, "Come up with me; I want you to see something." Those around me started to murmur among themselves, and I knew I had no choice but to follow along.

Leading me up to what seemed to be his room, nerves came over me. Why was I being brought up? What is he going to do to me? I could only follow him as he opened his door, revealing his room. He kept his room messy; it was clear he didn't care about keeping it well-kept, but it added an unkempt charm to his persona. Weakly, I asked, "So, why did you want me to come up?" He shuffled around his dresser for a change of clothes, and as he lifted his stained shirt over his chest, I couldn't help but look. I was practically drooling, staring at his rippling muscles. After putting on a black tank top, he turned back to me. I was caught in a trance. His muscles bulged through his shirt, putting me in a frenzy. If his muscles were that big, just imagine his cock. Fortunately, I wouldn't have to wonder for long, as he closed the distance between us, placing his huge arms in between me and the slightly ajar door, closing it with a powerful thud. Looking up at him, I tried to formulate some kind of response, but could only let out mumbles. His fingers grazed my lips, as he said in a low tone, "I still remember you from the gym, I know you've been avoiding me, I just wanna know why."

I exclaimed in response, "I literally got hard in front of you, I was so fucking embarrassed!" He took a moment to appraise my features, analyzing me with lustful eyes. I was clearly nervous, but I wasn't dumb. This was a clear advance, and if I didn't take my chance, I might never get it again. taking advantage of the moment, I said, "But I know now, if you feel the same way, then you can take me however you want." A dark look came over his face as he smiled, taking the hint.

His huge arms grabbed my waist, and I found myself weak under his touch. In a haze of deep kisses and constant neck bites, we eventually made it to the bed. I can still feel his thrusts now, his massive cock looming over me as I could only take it, my body becoming one with his. After dumping his seed in me, I could only feel one thing: euphoria. His cock had me hypnotized, and I kept going back, day after day. My grades have gone down, and I barely go home, but it's all worth it to be with his dick. I practically live with him now, his personal hole to use whenever he needs to get his rocks off. I don't know how he's done it, but he got me hook, line, and sinker.

[sarawoweeee]

"Looking into his eyes, I think he's already hurt."

AN: hiii this is my first tumblr fanfic!!!! Lmk if you have any requests <333

You graduated a few years ago, worked some meaningless office jobs at the FBI, and were finally recommended to the BAU. This chapter covers your first day, settling in and figuring out who to trust... but it seems Spencer doesn't trust you.

PART ONE

☆▪︎°▪︎☆▪︎°▪︎☆▪︎°▪︎☆▪︎°▪︎☆♡ ♡☆▪︎°▪︎☆▪︎°▪︎☆▪︎°▪︎☆▪︎°▪︎☆

I arrive at the FBI offices and park my car in my designated spot. I turn off the engine and sit in silence for a moment, feeling a sense of nervousness about what awaits me as I enter the glass doors of the BAU. I adjust my hair in the car mirror, take a deep breath, and step out. As I step out of the car, I feel the frigid Virginia air hit my skin. I look up at the office building, the sun glaring against the windows and into my eyes. I brush out the nonexistent wrinkles from my shirt before walking toward the entrance.

I finally get to the BAU entrance and open the glass doors, the smell of coffee and freshly printed paper filling my lungs. I take a deep, shaky breath and make my way to Hotch's office.

I knock on his door and hear a muffled "Come in" from Hotch. I open the door and smile softly.

"Hi, good morning, Agent Hotchner," I say. "Good morning, Agent y/l/n. I'm glad you made it this morning. As of now, we have no new cases, but it would be helpful if you could help out some other agents with their case files. Just try to get to know everyone today." He gives me a soft smile. "I'll introduce you to everyone." He stands up from his desk and opens the door for me to walk out. Work hasn't officially started yet so everyone is standing around in the kitchenette or nearby. I greet everyone one by one being formal but light hearted, until I got to Penellope.

"Hi!!! We've heard so much about you!" Penelope practically squeals as she brings me into a hug. "All good, of course." Her brightly colored lips turn into an even brighter smile.

"Hi! You must be Penellope. I've heard a lot about you too." I smile back at her.

"Its nice to have some estrogen in this otherwise testosterone filled workplace! Glad to have a gal around." She giggles sweetly.

"I'm so excited to work with you." I grin.

I finish up saying hello to everyone, actually, almost everyone. I make my way over to the tall, nerdy brunette, Dr. Reid.

"Hi, I'm y/n y/l/n." I smile at him, there's something different about him though, those hazel eyes peering down at me, something going on inside of there that I can't quite figure out.

"Hi." His face stays blank and doesn't say anything else. He stares at me for a moment and then hops off the wall he was leaning on and walks away.

I scoff. "Okay.. wow." By what everyone said about Dr. Reid, I would have expected some long complicated conversation about the science of something. I know he's infamous for his long tangents of random information. What did I do to him? Why doesn't he like me?

A couple hours pass as I sit at my desk trying to pass time.

I head to Garcia's office and knock on the door.

"Come in!" A muffled voice says.

I open the door and smile at her "Hey,"

"Hi y/l/n, what can I do for you..? She turns around in her chair.

"Uhm..." I clear my throat. "Do you know if there's a reason Dr. Reid doesn't like me? When I introduced myself he just said hi and walked away." I lean against Garcia's door and cross my arms, waiting for an answer.

"What!? Dr. Pretty Boy doesn't like you? He's probably just a little shy he'll warm up to you." She smiles.

"Yeah, okay." I clear my throat and walk back to my desk. I sit at my desk, feeling slightly dejected after my brief encounter with Dr. Reid. Despite the excitement of starting my new job, his indifference towards me dampened my mood.

I glance over at Spencer's desk, now realizing how close I am with him seated. I let out a deep sigh and lean back into my chair, contemplating how to handle the situation. Just as I'm about to resume working on the case files, Spencer looks over at me, his hazel eyes piercing as he scans over me. The silence hangs heavy in the air the only sound being the soft hum of the office around us. I shift in my chair crossing my legs and leaning on my desk catching him off guard.

He opens his mouth and then stops like he's about to say something. "Why did you join the BAU?" He asks abruptly.

I look at his face and the sudden question, he surprised me. I take a moment before answering, feeling a bit confused.

"Why did I join the BAU?" I echo, the question hanging in the air.

I pause for a moment, my mind wandering. I take a deep breath and then respond.

"I wanted to make a difference," My voice steady but I know his question has a deeper meaning.

This time he scoffs and turns back to work.

Finally the clock strikes 5pm and I pack up to leave.

[fakeboysfixed]

I’ve suddenly got so so into detrans kink and just needed to say this somewhere - because I found detrans tumblr through this blog I figured this was as good a place as any to make myself confess so I’ll always know I’ve admitted I want this

I’ve been flirting with detrans content for months, usually on twitter, telling myself I’m getting off to it because I’m imagining doing it to someone else, because there’s no way I could be into this - I’ve been transitioning for years, I’m intersex so my body has taken to testosterone like nothing else, I’m stealth, my top surgery scars are basically invisible.

last week, I woke up in the middle of the night to my husband on top of me - we’re both v into somno, so far so normal - and I could tell he was still half-asleep, his instincts were taking over from whatever he was dreaming about and he needed to relieve some tension.

my husband has another partner, who uses she/her pronouns.

as he pressed my face into his chest and spread my legs, felt me stop struggling and relax into what was happening to me, he said it - he moaned out ‘good girl’ as he slid inside me. he was dreaming about her.

I want to say that I properly woke him up and told him to stop, that I safeworded, told him not to fucking call me that, but it made my pussy so. fucking. wet. I clenched so tight around him when he said it and that just made him say it again, louder, no doubt in my mind that my husband was using my hole while thinking about a woman, and who could blame him? he was fucking a wet, girly pussy that was spasming around his cock whenever he called her a good girl, he was fucking a little whore who couldn’t help but fuck herself on his cock with how desperate her pussy was to be stretched open and bred.

I can’t stop thinking about it. Whenever I touch myself it always comes back to being praised for being a good girl, or being reminded that what’s between my legs makes me a woman. It’s so humiliating. I found detrans tumblr through your blog and I can’t stop reading. I want to be corrected so badly. Punished for ever thinking I could be a man and reminded what my cunt is for.

"I found detrans tumblr through your blog and I can’t stop reading." - Something so beautiful about reading that statement. Knowing that I've awoken another fakeboy to the reality of their situation. Now I've planted that seed in your head you'll never be able to get it out. Every time you are being fucked, every time you look at your body, you're going to think the words "FAKEBOY". OOOFF. Then to add on that story about your husband. Can you imagine being a fakeboy and marrying a man who is otherwise poly with women? How could you ever really take seriously that he respects your identity? He might say all the right words, but you know he is sexually attracted to female bodies. He enjoys the way female cunts feel clenched around his cock. As someone who has done it himself, let me promise you this. Even if he says all the right words about you being a man, when he is fucking you he is thinking of you as a woman. Watch him next time you fuck. See if he stares with laser like focus on your pussy while fucking you. Watch him crave your feminine parts. Does he talk about breeding you? I can promise you, in his head, he's been saying "Good Girl. Good Girl." For years while he fucks you. He just thinks you'll freak out if he says it out loud. At least next time he fucks you, you can think about what a good girl you are too.

[potentialguybodyswaps]

College Cool Kid Swap:

Dude what? You’ve jerked off already and wanna blow me so the swap becomes permanent?

Bro listen, I get it, it’s been like 2 weeks, your probably just horny, you sure you wanna do this? I’ve done my side of the agreement and I haven’t jerked off or anything, passed your test for you… You sure you wanna suck my dick? You’ve already jerked off in my body so The moment I cum this becomes permanent

“Ya bro, I know, I mean being stuck in your nerdy body would kinda suck but I’m sure I can workout and get back on the track team, I’m not gay but if I was ever gonna suck dick, I’d suck off my own body, that’s not gay right? Technically it’s just self pleasure” he said

“Shiiit I guess” I said pulling my shorts down letting my already hard dick flop out, smiling happy at the thought I get to remain as Caden.

“Oh my god okay here we go, just lemme know when your about to cum, I wanna swallow my own load” he said seeming exacted and taking off his glasses before deciding to go down on my 7 inch rod

It’s only like a inch and a half bigger than my old one, but not like I got to put it to use much, only girls that liked me back were the nerdy ones, and they didn’t quite get me hard like the current girls I can pull as Caden

Caden was going down on me like a pro, it’s almost like he knows what he’s doing or he’s thought every moment and action of this out

Halfway though blowing me he tries to go all the way down and take in my whole shaft but had to come back up and gag, guess I hit his gag reflex, I’ve never done that to anyone, that’s so awesome that I’m big enough now to make bitches gag

He went back to sucking only about 2/3 of it making sure to try and wiggle his tongue as much as possible playing with my head

“Oh shit Caden I’m about to cum” I said rubbing my chest and stomach feeling my weak abs up and down (hey abs are abs, I never had any before!)

it’s like I could see the look of fear on his face as he came up completely letting my cock flop out and just said”I’m sorry Danny, I’ve thought about it and I don’t think I wanna do this, I mean don’t get me wrong, your not the worst looking nerd on campus, and your not as small as I thought you’d be, but I don’t know if I wanna give up my life and my friends, you understand right?”

I stared down at him as he put my glasses back on his face and got up

“That mother fucker, just gonna tease me like this and then take it away from me?” I thought to myself as I felt testosterone and adrenaline running though me

“Ya I said” smiling though gritted teeth

Lemme walk you back to your dorm and we can do the spell there to swap us back” i said wrapping an arm around him and walking in the direction of my actual dorm

“Thanks”he said

We ended up walking though a field taking a shortcut, halfway though the field I realized no one was around, and my dick was still throbbing, that I had propped up via waistband of my shorts so it wasn’t obvious that I was copping a boner

I decided to make my move. I got behind Caden and moved my arm putting him in a choke hold

“What are you doing” Caden barely manage to get out due to me crushing his wind pipe

“I’m gonna blow my load all over your face, since you wanted it early” i said

“W-what?” Caden manage to get out before going limp

I laid his body on the ground and got on my knees pulling my shorts down letting my dick flop out again. I took my right hand and begun furiously jerking off before anyone would come wondering and see what I was doing

Right as I was about to cum I got closer to Caden’s face and aimed for his open mouth and muttered the words I said earlier “ oh shit Caden, I’m about to cum” this time since he was unconscious there was no facial change and I began busting ropes upon of ropes of cum, I got a few In mouth and decided to finish the rest on his face as punishment for not letting me finish the first time

“Ughhhh” I sighed

“Thanks for letting me finally cum after 2 weeks and agreeing to make this permanent, your the best Danny. hope you really enjoy your new life, nerd” I said laughing leaving him in the field to go back to my new dorm where I plan on jerking off all night with my new awesome dick and track build feeling my new tight body/abs

#edit please Tip if you like the story 👉🏼👈🏻🥺

[theforesteldritch]

my ramblings on transness, intersex-ness, childhood and growing up

i'm four. somewhere around there. i tell my mom i hate my name. i want to change it to robin, i say. she tells me i can when i'm an adult. i tell her i want my name to be robin now, today. not later. i don't get to change my name. eventually i forget wanting to be robin, or drop it, or stop talking about it. either way, i don't ever get to be robin.

i'm five. i feel wrong. i feel out of place in my own skin, i think. i feel like a poor shadow of a girl. i decide i want to be a princess when i'm older. in my mind, to be a princess, i need to wear a dress every day, even when it snows and i have to stuff the skirt into my snowpants to play outside. princesses must feel like real girls. if i was a princess, i would stop feeling like a snake writhing around in my own skin, desperate to shed. i tell myself that. at recess, we play some running game. i don't remember which one. boys vs girls. i don't want to play anymore.

i'm six or seven. i still feel wrong. i've stopped trying to be a princess. i'm off in my own world a lot of the time. i use the classroom scissors to cut tiny holes in the sleeves of my long sleeve shirts or to clip off a tiny chunk of my hair. during carpet time, i try to touch the hair of the people in front of me without them noticing. my best friend tells me she's a tomboy. i say i want to be one too. she tells me im too girly.

i'm nine. i've sworn off dresses. i reject pink clothes and sequins. i'm wearing a hat that covers my hair and the school custodian calls me young man in the hallway. i don't know why i like that so much. i try to fit in with the boys. i play grounders with them every day after school. i don't know why, but they don't like me. they make fun of me. i still play grounders with them every day.

i'm twelve. the girls around me have started growing breasts and getting their periods. they start getting acne and thicker hair on their legs that they shave off. none of these things are happening to me. i ask my mom for a bra. i don't want to be the odd one out. i feel a mix of relief and shame when i get one. now, i can pretend i'm like them. now, i can try to hide the growing feeling gnawing inside me that something's wrong, that i'm a freak.

i'm thirteen. i still haven't gotten a period. my mom is convinced it'll come any day now. she got hers at eleven, i must be a late bloomer. she makes me bring pads to summer camp. they lie unused in my bags. she does this next year, too, and the next. i try to feel normal. i sneak and use my mom's razor to shave the baby hairs on my legs that still haven't darkened and grown thicker like anyone else. i want to feel normal.

i'm fourteen. the girls in the locker room stare at me with funny expressions on their faces when i say i haven't gotten a period after they badger that information out of me. i ask my parents for deodorant, like the other kids. they tell me no, i don't smell enough to need it. i steal my dad's old spice amber deodorant. it smells like how i want to be seen, i think. i read magnus chase. i see myself in alex, how his gender shifts and changes. for the first time, i have a word, maybe, to describe myself. i'm like her, i think. i'm genderfluid, maybe, like alex fierro. i test the waters and come out to some friends as genderfluid, and then a boy. but i find myself still feeling the same itch under my skin. i'm not just a man, or just a woman, maybe i'm both. i go back in the closet.

i'm fifteen. my doctor is starting to get concerned that i haven't gotten a period yet. he orders blood tests. they think the results are a mistake when they see the testosterone levels. i don't have the symptoms that should come with those levels. i should be going through a male puberty with those levels of t, but i'm not. they do them again. it comes back the same. i'm diagnosed with complete androgen insensitivity syndrome. i feel alone, and like a freak. my doctors want me to get a gonadectomy. i push away how i feel like a snake ready to shed my own skin for a moment. i can't search myself for my gender when i'm trying, i'm trying so hard to get through this. knowing that going on testosterone hrt wouldn't work on me, it would break me right now to admit to myself the truth i already know.

i'm sixteen. i'm sexually assaulted by my doctor while under anesthesia for a biopsy of my gonads. without any hint of remorse or even knowledge of what she did to me she tells my mom that my vagina is still very short, but not as short as she thought on an earlier examination. i will continue to see this doctor. i push her assault down. i push this down. i feel like a freak. i feel so alone. god, i feel alone.

i'm seventeen, i'm eighteen. i know now why i feel like a snake trying to shed a skin. i'm not just a woman, i'm not just a man. i'm both and something in between. but i'm too male to be a girl and too female to be a man. i'm not allowed to be either. i cry sometimes. over how unfair this feels. over how i'll never look in the mirror and see myself staring back. i don't know how i'll get through this. i have to get through this. i have to live for the kid who wanted to change his name to robin. the need to live for her weighs me down like atlas holding up the sky. i know that one day, my grip will slip and the sky will fall. but i'm trying desperately to make that day not today.

[hydeingpurples]

Hey man! I always love hearing about others’ transition. I’m a trans guy myself who is just now identifying that way very recently and is navigating getting ready to start T and top surgery whenever I’m able as I am saving up. I’d love to hear about your journey and where you are now. 😊

🏳️‍⚧️ Testosterone and Top Surgery 🏳️‍⚧️ (UK) : Discovering Myself, Hormones, Top surgery, Where I Am Now

Hey buddy! I'm more than happy to tell my story so far. I'll pack as much into this post as I can, as it may be helpful to others too, so it may be a bit long, but I'll do it in sections 😊

🕵🏻 Discovering Myself 🧐

This bit was tough. I think it is for a lot of us. I knew deep down for several years that I wasn't a girl. I was terrified of the thoughts that were buzzing around my head, terrified of the things I was feeling. I buried it so deep. At university, I started to let go a bit. Friends around me came out as non-binary and trans, I figured it wasn't so bad. I experimented with pronouns and identities, and eventually I admitted to myself that I was just a guy. I came out to my family aged 21 by letter and it went really well.

Things were still a bit scary though. Trying a binder on for the first time was both exciting and daunting. It felt so freeing and right, but scary too because it meant that, maybe, I needed to get rid of my chest.

💊 Hormones 💉

Over time, the dysphoria got worse and worse. I was becoming extremely jealous of my best friend who was on testosterone (T) and features that other men had that I didn't. I struggled most with my period. At its worst, I spent hours in my flat toilet and the toilets at work crying and withering in disgust and vile discomfort. I'll never forget those feelings.

I knew I'd make it to the other end though one day because my friend had. And, fortunately, April 2023, that day came.

📝 Testosterone Prescription 😄

After jumping through a load of loopholes and sending my blood tests off, my GP/Doctor booked me an appointment. I thought it was just to talk to me about my blood tests.

I sat down and he talked to me for a bit. Nothing much, nothing special. Then, he started printing something out. He whipped it from the printer and handed me this lil slip of paper. It was a prescription letter.

You know how people say the world can stop? Or go in slow motion? That's exactly what happened. I must have spent an entire lifetime staring down in silence, in awe, at this little piece of paper. My eyes were welling up with joy. I looked at him and all I could do was thank him, over and over and over again. A great smile beamed on his face.

Upon leaving, everything was blurry. It was like I had tunnel vision. All I could see was this piece of paper. I stormed out of the building, called my Mom, and violently cried with joy.

"Slow down, I can't understand you", she said.

"I've got it. I've got it. I have a testosterone prescription!" I spluttered.

It took me a while to calm down, haha. I've never been so joyous.

🌱 Testosterone Effects Timeline 📊

⚠️Please note everyone's changes, intensity of changes, and rates of changes are different⚠️

Week 1: no voice drop, but my throat felt different; increased discharge downstairs; a little sweatier and took me longer to cool down.

Week 2-3: some hot flashes but not many; needed bigger meals.

After 1 month: period stopped (🥳); small amount of increased hair growth on legs; head hair started growing faster; more and slightly more intense hot flashes; subtle voice changes, easier to talk at my lowest level.

2 months: stamina increase, longer work time and shorter recovery time; voice slightly deeper; upper lip hair started coming through darker; increased peach fuzz hair growth on face, arms, legs, stomach, especially legs; increased spots on back.

Up to 6 months: how I felt and processed emotions changed (found it A LOT easier to process emotions, less chaotic mind); even more hair growth and a few random beard hairs; further stamina increase; my sweat and pee changed how they smelt which was weird; further voice changes; sometimes I had sudden bouts of strong hunger but not often.

Up to 12 months: increased downstairs discharge stopped; even more body hair (thicker, darker, curly), especially on legs; a few more beard hairs on chin; back spots decreased; voice a little deeper; face shape changes, boarder shoulders.

Up to 17 months (now): almost every area on my legs is hair; hair growth on butt and up butt; a few more beard hairs (that grow back pretty quick after shaving); warmer, more and longer got flashes, difficulties cooling down (I'm also extremely heat averse though so 🤷🏻); masculinising hairline (i.e receding at the front to look more masculine); much more noticeable voice changes, difficulties reaching higher tones, much easier to talk low.

Extra: I haven't experienced any bottom growth or change in libido at all. I've identified as asexual for a while now and still do, no changes at all. It's fairly common to experience bottom growth and some report a change in libido too, I just haven't 🤷🏻

🧑🏻‍⚕️ Top Surgery 😷 - double incision

I was terrified I wasn't going to get to this stage. I moved from Wales to England and both have different medical systems, so I was petrified of my surgery referral getting lost.

Fortunately, it didn't get lost. Once it was booked in, I had my consultation where I met the surgeon and her team, I was measured, told about the process and what could go wrong and what the solutions were.

Now I had a new fear: was this right? The self doubt was ridiculous. What if I regretted it? What if I hated my results?

The morning of the surgery answered these questions. My plan was that if it felt wrong on the morning, I knew I had the power to back out.

At 8:30am I was called to my surgery. I wrapped my arms around my Mom, a giant smile swallowing my face, and I said, "see you later!", and pranced down the corridor with the nurse. I was SO excited.

Going under anaesthetic was perfectly alright. It was insanely fast which I wasn't expecting. They started the anaesthetic and all I had time for was a few sentences before I was out.

🛏️ Recovery 🏥

💫I've got a big list of tips and tricks for top surgery recovery which might be best for another post because it's huge💫

Recovery actually wasn't too bad. When I woke up, the only discomfort I felt was a prickly feeling around the surgery site which they quickly sorted with painkillers. The day after anaesthetic was a bit rocky, I slept a lot and felt a bit icky, basically like a hangover. After that, all I felt was a dull aching in my abdomen for 3/4 days, otherwise no pain. I couldn't actually feel anything around my nipples or incisions, it was totally numb. The trickiest part was actually keeping myself busy so my Tourette's didn't damage the surgery site.

Once things had healed up a bit more and my stitches were out/dissolved away, I really started to appreciate my new chest. Unlike some people, I didn't have a super euphoria moment. For me, it's simply been total peace and relief since. I no longer think about my chest in any capacity. It feels natural, normal, right, and that, to me, means it was absolutely the right decision. It was what I needed.

🙋🏻 Where am I Now? 🙋🏻

It's been just over 10 months since my top surgery and my scars are fading very well. I'm very happy with the results. I've regained a substantial amount of sensation too in both my nipples and the incision scars. I've done a huge amount of scary care which I'm happy to talk about in another post so this one doesn't get any longer.

I'm fortunate enough to have had all of my records changed, I have a male passport, and I recently passed my driving test and have a full driver's license with my new name on it!

But, I think more importantly, I now feel more confident, I care about what I wear and how I look, I've found my style and what I like to wear, I look after my personal hygiene, and I feel like myself.

And that is where I am now 😊

I hope you've found this helpful in some way. There's a lot of information here. It was nice to type that story out. If you'd like anything else in more detail or have any questions, go for it!

[spacedlexi]

sorry for randomly dumping my headcanon here but I feel like I’m going insane and need at least one other person to hear this opinion without getting jumped (transphobia sucks) and this is related to the trans headcanon post so anon ask it is

like a week ago when I was really tired I thought about how there isn’t a lot of representation for queer POC, especially when it comes to trans people. so being Black and transmasc myself a lightbulb practically lit over my head at the chance to headcanon a well-loved Black character (Louis) as trans (and transmasc at that! always felt somewhat excluded due to most people subconsciously only viewing young, white, and/or skinny characters as transmasc) and I wrote down:

“Trans Louis… his deadname was Louise and his parents were rich enough for him to buy testosterone without anyone noticing and they chalked the changes up to puberty. Either he gradually brought more and more masculine clothes and his parents didn’t care or again he brought them without anyone noticing and brought them to Ericson’s/wore them when his parents wouldn’t notice”.

that was written somewhat un-seriously because I was tired but now my brain has latched onto transmasc Kouis and I feel like I need at least one other person to see my vision or I’ll go insane.

ALSO YOU’RE SO RIGHT ABOUT VI’S WEAPON BEING A BUTCHER’S KNIFE. didn’t get it at first but when it clicked I stared at the corner of the room like a sitcom character staring at the camera when a laugh track plays after they deliver a classic zinger.

awe 🥺 come into my open arms you are safe here. i did really like way back when the transmasc louis transfem vi headcanons were a little popular. even if i didnt necessarily share them myself (but thats mostly just bc i dont headcanon a lot. i did draw them with the trans flag tho). it was cute :') and im glad it makes you so happy!! i see your Vision anon i Get It. if he could do what he did to his parents i think he could secretly buy a whole new wardrobe if he wanted dfgsdfg

and yeah butchers knife violet just reinforcing her masc lesbian vibes for me when i Realized. like oh its intentional isnt it. theres no way that girl is fem shes just a secret softie. how am i Not supposed to think shes got some gender thing going on with those layered baggy shirts and vest that hide her frame 🤨 ??

[sweetwhispersofchaos]

Top Gun Rocktober

Here it is @roosterforme. Entry one of two for your Top Gun Roctober event! Hangman did Phoenix dirty. Now it's her turn to pay him back!

Song: I Hate Myself For Lovin You by Joan Jett Characters: Hangman x Phoenix, Hangman x OC (female pilot) Warnings: 18+ ONLY! Minors DNI. Smut. Cussing. Cheating.

Word Count: 4285

Story and Graphic by Me :)

               Deep down she knew he would be there. If there was some sort of secret mission and she was called for it, then surely, he would as well. It only made sense considering his prolific career up to that point. Smug son-of-a-bitch. 

So, when Phoenix heard that arrogant southern drawl ask, “What do we have here?” over the hubbub of the bar, she wasn’t surprised even though chills ran down her spine. Jake “Hangman” Serasin had been her first, last, and only mistake in her Naval career. Her very first day of flight school a gorgeous blonde with a smile to die for sauntered up to her and she was putty. Phoenix swore to herself when she arrived at the Naval Academy things would be all business, all the time. If she was going to be a fighter pilot and maybe someday an admiral in the US NAVY, she didn’t have time to screw around. That was before Jake came crashing into her life, guns blazing.

If she had known he was going to be the very definition of a playboy, she would never have gotten involved. In fact, if she had known exactly how bad things would become, she would have run him over on the tarmac with a plane and lived happily in the brig forever.

Contrary to popular belief, Phoenix was a girly girl. She grew up studying ballet, was prom queen, and loved shopping. She wasn’t an airhead by any stretch, she graduated as valedictorian after all, but still lived up to the stereotypical female persona, especially in high school. So, when she chose to go the military route, everyone she knew was stunned. A chance meeting with a NAVY pilot on career day got her attention her sophomore year and she began to research more about the branch and being a fighter pilot. She had always been a risk taker. Cliff diving at the lake with her friends, bungee jumping with her older brother for her 16th birthday, and racing dirt bikes were just some of her more notable near-death experiences before the age of 18. Flying jets for the military just seemed like another notch on her death-defying antics belt.

Her parents weren’t amused, but they got over it when she was accepted to the United States Naval Academy. She traded in her pretty dresses and dance costumes for a uniform and never looked back. She worked harder than ever at school but even then, her weekends were usually spent with other female midshipmen getting studying over pedicures, coffee, or while watching the latest chick flick. Uniform or not, she was still the same old girly Natasha.

Jake Serasin would break her of her frivolous ways and harden her forever.

She would never forget that very first conversation…

“I think I’ve died and gone to heaven. And you are?”

She saw him and her inside turned instantly to jelly. This wasn’t happening. Was anyone else warm or just her? This was silly but her body was betraying her, clammy palms and sweat pearling on her forehead.

He held his large hand out to her, and she took it, praying this God of a man with his piercing green eyes and chiseled jaw couldn’t feel how sweaty her palm was. Then he stood there holding her hand and staring at her with an expectant smile. It took a moment for her brain fog to clear and realize he was waiting for an answer.

“Uhh, oh, um sorry. I’m Ensign Trace. Natasha Trace. Most call me Nat.”

“Well Ensign Trace Natasha Nat. I’m Jake Serasin and it is an absolute pleasure to meet such a beautiful creature amongst all the testosterone wanderin’ around here.”

Nat was mortified as she felt the heat of a blush creep up her neck from under her flight suit. Seriously Trace? Get it together. She removed her hand and gave him a small smile.

“Bet that lines worked before?”

Jake feigned hurt. “You wound me.”

Nat crossed her arms over her chest and raised an eyebrow. “I doubt that.” And Jake went back to grinning from ear to ear.

“So where did you go to school Trace?”

“Annapolis.”

He let out a low whistle. “Damn sweetheart, that’s impressive.”

“Thanks. It was fun. What about you?”

“Longhorn’s baby. University of Texas.” He threw up his hand in the hook ‘em horns gesture with a cringe face and Natasha couldn’t help but giggle.

“I take it you’re from Texas then?”

“Absolutely. Born and raised and damn proud of it.”

“I can tell.” He wiggled his eyebrows and Nat blushed more. As strong as she was, Jake Serasin was internally making a mess of her. And what was worse is she knew he knew.

“So, how about dinner this weekend? We can chat first week and go from there?”

Holy cow, that was forward. All sorts of warning bells were going off in her head, but she did what she typically did when something dangerous presented itself to her, she ignored the bells and jumped in headfirst.

“Sure, why not?”

That’s how it all started. Their days were spent in training, their nights together studying, both their books and each other. He did things to her that she never knew were possible. It was scorching and she missed it more than she cared to admit. He took incredible care of her in the bedroom and their intense relationship carried over into the air. Engines revved, and not just the planes, after burners full throttle as soon as they got through the door after a day of flying. But that was before he took her for a ride she hadn’t asked for.

Crossing the bar, she steeled herself, not willing to give away anything to the asshole.

“…fellas, this is Bagman.”

Her mind was racing ninety to nothing. Natasha kept repeating “don’t give him anything” over and over as a mantra during that first interaction. No matter how good he made her feel physically, he had drug her through hell and she had to stay strong. Resist and evade at all costs.

She had never been so happy to see Rooster in her whole life. If there was anyone Hangman loved to screw with more than her, it was Bradley. Rooster and Hangman’s relationship became almost volatile when all the issues between Natasha and Jake came to a head after they were all sent to Top Gun together. Serasin had betrayed Phoenix and Bradley wanted to kill the bastard for it. Nat attempted to communicate with her eyes for Rooster to play it cool. Whatever they were here for was important and killing Jake wasn’t a good idea.

Once Rooster moved to the piano Natasha did her best to avoid the handsome blonde, which was easier said than done when her body continued to betray her. All she wanted to do was slip into his embrace again and she was angry at herself for even thinking it. “He treated you like crap Trace, knock it off” she thought to herself.

Once the group of aviators had their fill of drinks, songs, and games, they paid their tabs and began to meander outside to their vehicles. As Natasha walked along with her new WSO Bob, their light conversation was interrupted by a stout arm wrapping around her shoulders. She stopped dead in her tracks, watching Bobs eyes grow wide behind his spectacles.

Phoenix groaned as she stopped, but she didn’t fight the arm around her shoulders. She missed that feeling, her petite body wrapped in his warmth. Focus Trace.

With as much disdain as she could muster, she let out a lazy “What do you want Bagman?”

“Aw don’t be like that Phoenix. Can’t a pilot miss his favorite wingwoman? Show a little enthusiasm for her return?”

Yes. Yes, he can. Ugh she shouldn’t even think that, but he smelled so good, sandalwood and sunscreen, and her mind began to wander. Thinking of his big hands travelling over her body, heat beginning to rise under the collar of her khaki shirt.

“If you don’t take your hands off of me right this second, I’ll show you what real enthusiasm looks like.” She shot back in a sweet sing-song voice.

For just a moment hurt flashed in the emerald orbs staring at her, his grin faltering some. Before he could say anything though, Rooster marched up from out of nowhere with steam rolling from his ears. Natasha needed to end this and pronto before a parking lot brawl erupted.

She slid out of his embrace, taking a step towards Bob and put her hand on Bradley’s heaving chest just as he came to a stop toe to toe with Hangman.

“Let it go Rooster, he’s not worth it.” She spat. There it was again, that faint look of hurt in the faltering green eyes.

A few seconds of tense silence passed as the two men stared each other down, then Rooster took a step back.

“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s go.” He said as he turned on his heel. She gave a nervous look to Bob then nodded her head encouraging him to follow Rooster. Once both men turned their backs, she began to follow, wagering a hesitant look over her shoulder after a few steps. All she saw was a pretty green eye give her a wink.

****

The first day of this mission was brutal. Phoenix hurt all over. Right down to her eyelashes. Maverick and kicked their asses and even Jake had shut up. Some.

Phoenix hustled through the locker room and out of the hangar as fast as she could once they were dismissed, hoping like hell to avoid Hangman. He literally hung her out to dry, per usual, in the air and she was so angry she could spit nails. He always did this to her. Butter her up just to use her like a door mat. She let it happen over and over again and she was embarrassed that she fell for it again right off the bat today. Especially with her new back seater in tow. As quiet as he is though, he fired back at Bagman, and she appreciated that he was a quick learner.

Luck wasn’t on her side though right now. Jake was waiting outside the front door of the hangar as she attempted her quick getaway.

“Hey firebird, sorry for today. Guess I just couldn’t wait to do my thang with that prick Maverick. Forgot to include you in the fun. Can you forgive me?” He was following her down the sidewalk as she rolled her eyes and tried to press on to her car. His face looked like a sad puppy. A sad puppy who wasn’t sorry at all.

He followed her all the way across the lot and down three rows before she tossed her bag on the trunk of her car and whipped around to face him. The asshole was wearing a smug smile. He knew he was under her skin and that it bothered her.

Focus Trace, put him in his place and leave it alone.

“So, how’s Emma these days?”

Jake looked as though he took a shot directly to the chest. His charming persona faltered, and she smirked with pride.

“Out of the Navy, married with a kid. Uh, yeah.” He hesitated, obviously searching for his words. “That’s it, long gone.” he said sheepishly.

With all the sass she could muster she replied “Aww that’s too bad.”

Phoenix picked up her bag and got in her car, driving away, and leaving Hangman in her dust.

Once Natasha reached her barracks apartment, she rushed in, afraid that Jake might have followed her. She slammed the door shut, locking it with fervor before the tears started to flow.

How could she let that asshole get to her after what he did. He barely seemed remorseful and yet she missed him deeply. She HATED herself for loving him. Her body slid down the door and she sobbed into her hands, mentally beating herself up. The late nights waiting for him. His excuses. He had to work late, or a buddy needed help. His touches becoming fewer and far between. Less responses to her calls and emails while she was out to sea. Then it happened. She couldn’t forget the events of that day if she tried…

She had only been home from deployment a week. Jake had only visited her twice, rocking her world but continuing to make excuses for his absence. She was tired of waking up alone in the mornings, wondering if it was something she had done to push him away. Nat decided to surprise him at his apartment in Lemoore one afternoon in the hopes of fixing whatever was wrong. She remembered it vividly. After work she ran home to shower and put on some beautiful lingerie under a tight dress. Dousing herself in the fancy perfume he always said drove him crazy, she gave herself an approving look before dashing out the door. She stopped to pick up his favorite beer and some chocolate covered strawberries, hoping to entice him to talk.

Jake gave her a key to his place months before her deployment, so she decided to let herself in when she saw his truck in the parking lot. Maybe she would catch him in the shower and be able to extra surprise him. In her excitement she didn’t notice the little red car sitting next to his truck.

The key turned and she let herself in, going to the kitchen of his spacious apartment, placing the beer and strawberries in the fridge when she heard it. A very loud moan. The moan of a woman being pleasured. At first, she thought maybe it was coming from the apartment next door. Then it happened again even louder. Her body froze, hands clutching the kitchen counter. Her ears coming in to focus, the sounds of a bed thudding against a wall and loud cries from a woman echoed into the kitchen from the direction of Jakes bedroom. Chills crawled up Natashas spine as everything became crystal clear to her. The lack of communication, his late nights away. She was so stupid. Then she heard the most hurtful words she’d ever heard in her life.

“Jake, yes! Oh, right there! Baby, baby, tell me I’m the one. Tell me I’m the best!”

“Oh yeah, the best darlin. No one’s pussy feels like yours.”

“Not even that bitch, Trace?”

“Uggghhh not even her. She’s nothing baby. You’re the best. Ride me, gimme those perfect tits.”

Tears began to swell as her face flushed boiling hot. Nat turned on her heel and walked silently to the room, the door cracked enough that she could see a thin blonde with absolutely perfect tits bouncing up and down on Hangman. She watched in horror before bursting through the door, scaring the shit out of the bimbo, and causing Jake to almost toss the woman to the floor as he stood up in shock, fully naked, fully erect, and obviously shocked.

“How could you!” Natasha shouted, spit seething from her mouth as she shoved at Jakes’ arm while he bounced up and down on one leg trying to put his underwear on.

He let out a nervous chuckle. “Natasha, baby. I thought you had a late flight. This means nothing. It was a one-time thing. I’m sorry! Don’t be mad.” He stood up in front of her, a smirk on his face. “You know, you could come join us!”

She saw red. The ho on the other side of the bed stood stark naked, a bemused look on her face.

“Jakey baby, she probably couldn’t keep up.”

At the sound of the voice Nat’s blood went ice cold. She knew that voice. Up to this point she hadn’t paid any mind to the faceless bag of breasts. Her eyes slowly turned to lock eyes with the chick and Nat let loose a low snarl. Emma Farmer. Lieutenant Emma Farmer. Callsign Blondie. He was fucking a WSO from another squad. The little shit had humped everyone who flew in a plane and then some.

“You BITCH!” Natasha spat as she made to run across the room. A strong arm shot out, grabbing her around the waist and pulling her out of the room as the harlot stood with her hands on her hips, laughing. “You snooze you lose Phoenix.” The other aviator hissed with a smirk. “He needs a real woman.”

Natasha raged as Jake pulled her from the room. He told her maybe she should go. That SHE should go. She was floored. He asked for his key back and walked her to the door. Phoenix was a sobbing mess, asking why, but he wouldn’t answer her. Just said it wasn’t working for him and he would see her at work. That simple. Two years of what she thought was the start of forever, tossed aside from some tacky twat with tits.

The moment she walked out of his place her heart hardened; a piece of it broken forever. She was so angry at him and angry at herself because all she wanted to do was run back to him. Rooster spent weeks comforting her while threatening to kill Hangman in some very creative ways. It wasn’t long after that Rooster and Hangman were both sent to other Naval Air Stations, leaving her alone to deal with her conflicting feelings. Until she walked into the Hard Deck the night before she hadn’t seen either of them in a couple of years. Now she was sitting on the floor crying and she was so mad at herself for it.

Nat wiped her face, setting her jaw. Two could play this game. She wasn’t the silly little girl he left behind. She was smart, calculating, and tougher than ever before. Instead of going down that road again she decided to do what any shrewd woman would do: get even.

She picked up her phone and found his name in her contacts list. The phone rang twice before that suave voice answered.

“Change your mind?”

“Mhmm. Half an hour?”

“Come on over, you know where to find me.” Then the line clicked dead, and a wicked grin crossed her face. Tonight, the bastard was going to get what he deserved once and for all.

*****

Half an hour later Phoenix had showered, threw on the same little black dress from that fateful night, dabbed some of the expensive perfume behind her ears and set off.

One knock and Jake opened the door, his arm coming to rest on the top of the door frame, posing in front of her in nothing but a pair of very loose sweatpants. He grinned his famous Cheshire cat grin at her and whistled.

“Wow.” Was all he said, his eyes drinking her in from top to bottom. She played coy, ducking her head in a flirtatious manner as she passed him. No sooner was the door closed that he was on her. His huge arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her to his chest. His warm lips connected to the skin at the base of her neck and she moaned. Involuntarily. Focus woman, you’re on a very important mission. She wiggled into him and his hands began to roam up and down her body. Her dress had very thin straps and it took him no time to slide them down her arms along with the top of the dress, revealing her breasts. His hands caressed them roughly then he started to work her nipples while slowly nudging her towards his couch.

Once they reached the piece of furniture he released her, moving to sit down. He stared at her chest while patting his lap. She gave him a smirk and a wink, then slowly slid her tight dress up her thighs until her nether region was barely visible. Jake reached around, cupping her ass cheeks in his hands and pulling her down onto his lap. She immediately felt his hardening erection through the sweat pants.

His hands were back on her breasts in an instant and he leaned forward to begin sucking on one nipple. Her brain was going hazy. She was grinding her wet pussy onto his lap and he was growling every time she did. Jakes hands slid up to her neck, grabbing her a little rough and pulling her down for hot kiss. It was hard and all tongue and Natasha had to really focus not to give in. He wasn’t worth it, this wasn’t what she thought it was. Stay the course.

While he kissed her, tiny hands wandered to the waist band of the pants. She made quick work, pulling out his dick and running her hand slowly from tip to balls. He nipped at her bottom lip as she began to pump him.

“Ahhh yes mam. Just like that.” He said with a twinkle in his eye. He sat back, placing his hands behind his head, obviously enjoying the show.

“Oh you like that? Just you wait.” She slid off his lap, coming to rest with her knees on the floor between his legs. Before he could say another word she licked up his shaft. Jake shuddered and she smiled at him wickedly.

“I seem to remember someone really likes to have his cock sucked?” she asked before she took him all the way in her mouth, his head hitting the back of her throat. She couldn’t keep up huh? She gave head like a porn star and she knew it. The hisses and growls coming from Jake told her he was enjoying her ministrations. One of her hands cupped his balls while the other drug her nails down his chest. Her head bobbed up and down, tongue licking precum before returning to deep throat him. If only he knew what was coming, and it wasn’t him.

She started to feel his balls clench and she knew he was getting close. Nat continued to work on him until he was stuttering. When she knew he was right there on the cusp she pulled off with a pop. His eyes flew open in panic, but she only stood, still giving him an evil smirk. She turned around with a sultry wiggle and bent forward, giving him a full view of her wet pussy.

“Beautiful.” He said and he did exactly what she thought he would, leaning forward and lapping at her slit, giving her a shudder. “But it would look better wrapped around my dick.”

Nat flipped her head sideways to look at him with a smile. “I think so too.” This was it. Now or never.

Hangmans hands grabbed at her hips and moved her backwards. Instead of coming down onto his dick though, she sat back on his stomach, his dick standing at attention between her legs, right up against her dripping opening. She used her hands to pump him again, let his cock slide against her slick opening.

“Oh baby, that’s just cruel.”

She let an evil giggle loose. “You know you like it.”

He didn’t have to say anything though. The way he was bucking his hips told her everything she needed to. It would be so easy to slip him in. Abort the plan. But then he would win and that was absolutely not happening.

Natasha cupped his balls again as she rode him, listening to his pants become more and more shallow. Jake continued to babble and buck, sputtering something about her teasing him. The more he babbled, the more she worked him against her slick core. This was it, she could feel his balls tightening again.

“Phoenix, Phoenix. I’m gonna cum. Get that pussy on me baby. Please? Please? I need it so bad.” He was right where she wanted him, begging for her. Begging for mercy.  

“You want this pussy?” she asked in a husky voice; his only response was a strained whimper. She pumped and pumped then rose up and he sucked in a breath. She knew he thought she was about to slam down on him. Instead, she took a few steps forward, pulling her straps up and wiggling the dress down as she moved. Natasha whipped around and leaned in, coming face to face with his shocked expression.

“You know. On second thought? Forget it. I don’t really like sloppy seconds.” She said as she patted his cheek. Then she grabbed her keys and phone and exited the apartment quickly, shaking her hips the whole way.

There, enjoy your blue balls asshole, she thought.

Once she was back in her room she took a cold shower, feeling proud of herself for controlling the hunger she had for him and sticking it to the jerk once and for all. If he thought he was going to keep using her as a personal door mat, he had another thing coming. Natasha found her worth, and it had nothing to do with any man. She had finally broken free of his hold.

Nat knew she was a damn good pilot, officer, and friend. Jake Serasin was nothing more than a lesson learned the hard way and a step on her path to greatness. Fuck him and his shitty behavior.

Nat crawled into bed, grabbed her favorite pink teddy bear, then texted Rooster.

“Jakes wearing my favorite color, blue” with a devil emoji.

Rooster sent back the only two words she needed. “Good girl.”

She smiled with pride, ready to take on whatever this mission had in store for her, knowing she had the upper hand now. She didn’t hate herself anymore, that’s for sure!

[gothamslostboy]

Hello! I was wondering if you could write a fic with a ftm prompt? I was thinking David x Micheal (ftm) or any of the lost boys characters with something relating to a ftm? Sorry if it’s a bit vague! Some comfort or fluff is really nice! Thank you so much! - 🦝

A/N: hey 🦝! Sorry this took so long. I love trans Michael. I’d also like to apologize, I got lost in the story and there’s not as much comfort fluff as I originally planned. I hope you still like it:]

Decisions Transpire Here

DAVID MICHAEL

————————————————————————

Michael, We’ve been waiting at the boardwalk for 20 minutes. Don’t they teach manners in Ariz- I turn around at the sound of David’s voice, and though I’m only frozen for less than I second, it’s too long. By the time I’ve thrown myself to the floor, he’d already seen me. I should’ve locked the door.

That what I think it is? Of all the times for David to barge into my room, this had to be one of the worst. Reaching up to grab my testosterone vial, I tuck myself under my bed after 3 missed grabs. Umm, heroin? Yes. Yes it is. I do my best to sound convincing, but my panic slips through. Damn that’s a bad cover. No one would just stand in the middle of their room to do heroin, much less inject it in their thigh. I’ve only been hanging out with these guys for less than a month and I’ve already blown it. What? The noise of David’s feet coming closer drown out most of his laughter.

Relax Michael, you’re not the first transgender person I’ve come across. Oh. He figured that out much quicker than I thought he would. I guess just wearing my binder and boxers probably helped there. Uh, oh. Cool. My mind is racing as we sit in silence, trying to figure out where the conversation goes from here. We moved away from Phoenix for a fresh start, a place without dad, where no one except my family would know that I wasnt always a Michael.

David tosses himself onto my bed, a cloud of dust hitting my face on impact. A begin to cough, and I hear a very ingenuine whoops. The bed frame creaks as he makes himself comfortable. Come on, time to come out, Well, in the other way. Bad enough you’re late to meet up with us, do you really wanna stand the boys up entirely? I push down my embarrassment as I slide out into view. Picking myself up, I place my vial on the nightstand and scan the room for a clean shirt.

We agreed to meet at 8:00? How is 7:28 late? I gesture towards my clock, the red numbers glowing in the darkened corner of my room. Clocks wrong. It’s now, he stops snooping through my nightstand just long enough to read his watch, 8:36. I push my head through my neck hole, pulling my jeans up swiftly as a grab his wrist.

Shit. Sorry man, let’s go. Ump bup bup! David twist his hand until he has a hold on me. Let’s talk for a second. I scoff out my nervousness as I try to discreetly release his grasp, to no avail. What about the guys? Aren’t they just waiting for you to get back? I’ll let them know we’ll be a second. He scoots to one side of my bed and essentially drags me on the other. Oh yeah? Didn’t know you had a secret landline from my room to the middle of the boardwalk. He has a smug smile, like what I said was the funniest thing he’s heard tonight.

Don’t worry about it Michael. Why’d you duck under the bed? The abrupt shift into seriousness almost makes me want that stupid grin back. I mean, why’d you come in without knocking heh heh, people do weird things. I want to look at the floor, but I can’t escape this stare down I’ve entered with David. We won’t judge you. We all have something, different about us. The way he emphasizes his words sends a chill down my spine.

If there was a way to make you biologically male, would you do it? I Tilt my head, trying to figure out what David’s doing. Well, duh? No matter the cost? Even if it makes some see you as a monster? I shift in my spot, unsure what his game is here. I mean, they already do. Might as well be the true me. What ever he’s trying to do, it seems I answered correctly.

He moves to his feet quickly, striding towards my door. Believe me, you’re no monster Michael. remember you’re answer. There’s a change of plans, we’re going to the cave. Why? I’m going to give you what you want, all it’ll take is a drink. I dont realize he’s serious until after I’m already laughing. You don’t believe me? He turns back to face me, leaning down to eye level with me on the bed. If that was possible, every trans person in the world would’ve done it.

It’s true alright Michael, he extends his gloved hand to me as he straightens his stance. Do you really want to miss out on the chance because you don’t trust me? What will it be? A leap of faith, or a mortal life never knowing? I take his and and do my best to ignore the part of me, screaming danger.

What the hell, what’s the worst that could happen?

——— TAGS ———

@britany1997 @g4ywastaken

[francis-writes]

Hey. I habe an idea for a Corinthian request.

I was wondering if you could do something about bits and pieces of a trans male reader's transition journey with The Corinthian. Like them getting perscribed T, him helping the reader with their first shot, the first bit of side effects and maybe them getting top surgery? If that's all too much maybe just him helping the reader with their first shot

A/n: sorry it took so long - I'm not very happy about what I managed to write but well, every writer has their ups and downs.

Y/l/n = your last name

His phone rang. Corinthian was going to decline the call but he noticed it was you. It had to be something important - you knew what he was doing during his "trip" - so he immediately answered.

"Hello" "Hi Cori" your voice was full of excitement "Sorry for interrupting you. Are you busy?"

He looked at the lifeless body at his feet.

"No, go on"

"I finally got a prescription for T!" You practically yelled at your phone.

Corinthian smiled. He knew how much it meant for you.

"That's great, puppy. Did you already but it?"

"No, I am waiting for you. I need you to be eye-witness of this moment" "

I'll be back as soon as possible" he hung up the phone and grabbed a tissue to wipe off the blood from his face. Other victims could wait, there were more important things to do now.

*

"Are you sure you want me to do it?" Corinthian asked.

"You cut out people's eyes on daily basis, you certainly can make a simple injection" you snorted "If there's anyone I can trust with medical treatments and using sharp objects on my body, it's you"

"Not a very smart thing to say to a serial killer. But, you know, I meant that maybe you would rather do it yourself? It's a very signigicant moment"

You looked at him with indulgence.

"I can't, my hands are shaking from stress. Even if I found a muscle, I would stab my whole leg before I would hit the right spot. So, yeah, maybe another time"

"As you wish" Corinthian took a cotton pad soaked in alcohol and rubbed your thigh.

"Cori?" You asked when he was preparing syringe.

"Yes?"

"Even ignoring the fact that I can't do it myself, I really want you to do the injection. As you said, it's an important moment and you're important to me and I want to share this moment with you- uhm... I'm not sure if it makes sense-"

"It absolutely does" the Corinthian tucked a strand of hair behind your ear with his free hand "And it's a honor for me to accompany you during transition"

He gave you a quick kiss. You probably seemed disappointed when he broke the kiss because Corinthian said

"Don't worry, we'll finish it later. But now, be a good boy and don't move for a moment"

He stuck the needle and pulled the plunger back a bit to make sure there's no blood. When only bubbles appeared in syringe, he pushed plunger to the end. Corinthian pulled out needle and pressed a sterile swab to the place of injection.

"My first shot of T" you looked at your leg with excitation.

Corinthian smiled at you.

"Yeah, I think we need to celebrate it. What would you say about going to dinner?"

"Good idea but I'd rather order pizza and watch a movie in home. It's more private there, you know" you winked at him. Corinthian smiled and hand he kept on your other thigh, slided a bit higher.

"I agree"

*

"Why do you keep staring in the mirror?"

"I think my beard starts growing. You see? There are some hair"

"Maybe" Corinthian came closer, he put his arms around your waist and rested his head on your shoulder "Give it time"

"I'm waiting patiently" you said in a tone suggesting that your patience grows thin with every minute "But I don't know why instead of a beard, the first thing I got after testosterone is hairy ass"

"I wouldn't complain, you have a very fine ass"

"Oh, thank you" you turned your head and kissed him "But I still feel like all the changes happen very slowly"

"I understand but look at it that way: one year ago you didn't even get testosterone. Everything goes forward in its one motion. One year from now, everything will be different, just wait"

"I hope so"

You fell silent and looked in the mirror. After a few moments you asked

"Cori?"

"Yes?"

"Do you really think I have a fine ass?"

*

"It's the celebration of a nation!"

"What nation?"

"Deboobination!" You did a finger guns. Corinthian looked at you but you couldn't guess his reaction through his dark shades. You quickly added

"Sorry, it was a stupid joke"

"Are you sure that they didn't give you anesthesia yet? No funny gas?"

"Jeez, I'm just excited, okay?" You shrugged and smiled "I waited so long for this day. I will finally be a perfect man"

"You are already a perfect man. You can say, you're a man of my dreams"

"Is it the day of low jokes?"

"So it seems"

The doctor entered the room. They looked at the documents in their hands.

"Mister (y/l/n), we'll take you to the operating room in a moment. Say goodbye to your guest and get ready" after these words, they left.

You looked at your boyfriend.

"Is it just me or it really sounded as if I'm not going to leave the hospital alive?"

"Don't worry " he squeezed your hand "If anything happens, I will avenge you"

"That's not funny"

"Everything will be okay, trust me. Are you ready?"

You nodded. "Yes, I will never be more ready, I guess"

Corinthian smiled and kissed your forehead. "I will be waiting in the cafeteria. We'll see each other soon"

[davnittbraes]

A Study In Feminism

Pairing: Frankie Morales x F!Reader

Rating: T

Word Count: 645

Warnings etc: mentions of reader committing an act of violence, mentions of creepy guys in bars, allusions to sexytimes

Notes: a snippet from the full fic. For context, Frankie and Reader are in a new-ish relationship and just got into an argument after a confrontation with a creepy guy in bar.

You can’t even look at him, can’t see the hurt that you know is obvious in those warm, brown eyes. Instead, you focus on his hands, on the large palm cupping the pack of frozen peas to your scraped knuckles, the long fingers of his other hand gently curling around your wrist. 

You can’t even look at him, can’t see the hurt that you know is obvious in those warm, brown eyes. Instead, you focus on his hands, on the large palm cupping the pack of frozen peas to your scraped knuckles, the long fingers of his other hand loosely curling around your wrist. 

All the fire and heat and fury that burned in your chest moments ago suddenly sputters, flickers. Dies. 

A heavy sigh loosens the tightness in your lungs. “I’m not mad at you.”

His fingers flex on your wrist, his low hum of disbelief vibrating over your skin. 

Fuck, you really screwed this up, didn’t you. 

Letting your head fall back against the door, you force yourself to look at him. He needs to see it, that you’re telling the truth. “I mean it. I’m not.”

That warm gaze meets yours - yeah, just as you thought, it’s there, hurt tinged with anger and now doubt. 

That stings more than the hurt, actually. 

The knowledge that he’s doubting you, your honesty. Maybe even how you feel about him. 

Fuck your pride, girl. Just tell him. 

Shifting your wrist in his grip, you take his hand, squeeze it tight. “Look, I liked it, okay? And I’m angry with myself and I took it out on you and that’s not fair, and I’m so sorry, Frankie. I’m sorry.”

A frown forms between his brows, his gaze flickering over your features in confusion. “Liked what?”

Oh god, just say it, get it over with. “When you showed up and like immediately stepped in to defend me, physically put yourself between me and the threat with no hesitation, then stood there with your stupidly broad shoulders and strong arms and testosterone and this whole aura of “don’t fuck with my girl” and god, Frankie, it was so hot. “

His mouth twitches, lips curving at the corners and his frown melts away, hurt in his eyes replaced by fond amusement. “Oh yeah? You liked that?”

Your nose wrinkles as embarrassment tries to push you away from him. “Yeah, I did.”

“Wanna know what was really hot?” 

His voice dips low, rasping down your spine, pulling it into an arch that curves your hips toward him, a movement tracked by his gaze. 

He definitely catches the clench of your thighs, too. 

His thumb glides over your bruised knuckles. “What was really hot was watching you clock a guy with at least six inches and fifty pounds on you, staring him down like you were gonna castrate him right there in the bar.”

Biting back a grin, you twine your fingers in his, cocking your head to the side. “If only I had a knife.”

He chuckles - why is that so hot - and lets go of your hand, tugs you toward him, pushing into your space, his chest brushing your breasts through your dress. Anticipation catches in your throat, arousal you’ve been holding back for so long pulsing to life. 

Then his expression turns serious, thoughtful, his free hand slipping around your waist to rest on the small of your back with casual intimacy. “That’s what I was thinking, you know.”

Your thoughts are already sluggish with a pleasant haze, it takes a moment to figure out what he’s referring to. “That you wanted me to cut his balls off?”

“I was thinking don’t fuck with my girl, because she’ll make you wish you’d never laid a hand on her, and leaving with your balls still attached is the least of your worries.”

The absolute certainty, the pride in his voice - some emotion you’re not ready to name twists behind your ribs, trembles through your veins. 

God, what you wouldn’t do for this man. 

Lifting your free hand, you let it trail down his chest, the slight swell of his stomach, brush over the bulge of his jeans. His breath hitches as you press your palm there, lean in to murmur against his lips. 

“Don’t worry, your balls are safe with me.”

[the-aviary-system]

I wasn’t always a Monster. But I don’t think I was ever quite Human, either.

Perhaps I was always Different by their standards. Fascinated by little knickknacks, collecting things. Always acting a little off, always seen as a little weird. Perhaps I was never meant to be Normal. And that’s fine.

But everything changed when He came into our lives.

Then there was loud, there was fear, and I had to grow claws and fangs and be loud too to protect myself from it.

They don’t want you to be loud and fierce at school. When that happened, they would trap me in the corner. Trap me like a beast in a cage and let me roar and attack uselessly until I had no fight left in me.

But they couldn’t remove the claws and fangs, no matter how hard they tried.

Treat me like an animal long enough and I will act like one, and like an animal I longed to escape my cage. So I would try to run, but they would always catch me.

And when I was “home” after they caught me, He would hear about it. He would come by my bedroom where I sat miserably and stare at me with this cold look. He never spoke a word but His expression told me everything. It was beyond disgust. I was less than human in His eyes. I was a beast in a cage to be gawked at.

When I did something the Humans did not like, She would always hesitate to beat me. She claimed it hurt her too. That was a lie. He did not hesitate. He did it with such vigor and malice one might think He enjoyed it.

As monstrous as I am now, I’m nothing compared to Him.

Many years later was when I realized this body wasn’t right for me. I told Her I needed change.

“You can’t go on testosterone. You’re too fat.”

I knew that wasn’t right but I knew I couldn’t get it without Her help, not yet.

I tried to eat less, I tried to become skin and bones to make Her happy but the Hunger only got worse and it became Ravenous. I had to eat more. I had to eat less. It was never enough- it was too much. I must waste away- I must rip Him limb from limb and devour His flesh so that He cannot hurt me anymore. Will the Hunger stop then? Will the Anger stop when he is dead?

I’ve lost weight. It never made a difference. She finds new excuses. That was never the reason.

“I can’t call you ‘it.’ I could never do that to you, it’s dehumanizing.”

She doesn’t realize it’s too late for that. I’m not Human anymore. I’m not Like Her.

And I don’t want to be.

I’m trapped in a cage. Pacing. Freedom is right there but I have nowhere to go.

I should be wild. I should be free. I can’t be wild, I never learned how to hunt. I can’t be tamed, I bite people who get too close. I am neither. I can’t live in the wild or in the home. Where does something like that go?

Maybe I was never Normal. But now I will never be.

[billyjosephjr]

Some Fat Burning Tips

First, I am not a fitness expert (I only play one on TV). Just kidding...unless you know of a role that's open then I will surely audition! You all know that I like to joke around. I can really only speak to things that have worked for me personally, so that is how I will approach the topic at hand...fat burning. I also enjoy writing so I am hoping to merge my love of writing and my passion for fitness into these occasional blog posts. While I am not an expert, I am going through my personal trainer and nutritionist certification, so I at least have a textbook to look at!

Like I said, I can only speak to things that have worked for me, personally and over the last 9 months I was able to cut my body fat percentage from about 25% to 11.5%. That required regular exercise but also being very intentional with my diet. So here's what I did in a nutshell and if you have questions let me know.

Try to get 10,000 steps per day. I work at my desk most the day so I have to make sure I get up and walk or park way out in the parking lot to force myself to walk or just simply go with my wife or kids and dogs for a walk in the evening. Also, one way I increased my steps was actually at the gym. Instead of staring at my phone between sets, I try to walk around in circles. Walking is one of the most effective things you can do to burn fat, hands down.

Eat my final meal and/or snack of the day by 7pm and eat or drink NOTHING after that....no cereal, no hot weenies, no leftover chicken wings...nothing.

Don't eat anything until about 10:30am the next morning. There is science behind it, which I am not citing btw, but for men, our bodies produce testosterone and burn fat best and sometimes only in a state of starvation. This occurs most effectively while we sleep so going to sleep hungry is not a bad thing if you want to burn fat and keep your T levels up (with all the benefits that brings to the table-wink, wink).

Yes, don't eat anything until 10:30am but start the morning with a large glass of hot water (not scalding, just tapwater hot) with a pinch of sea salt and a few squirts of lemon juice. Man, you can feel it run through your veins, wake you up , and get you going. After the water and before eating breakfast (at 10:30am) you can drink black coffee (black means no cream and sugar...be a man). Awe, don't cry I'm just Joshing you Starbucks fanboys, but seriously...black coffee only. The sugar will mess up that T building/fat burning state you got going on.

Try to get at least 8 hours of sleep, distraction free. This can be hard especially if you have to piss a lot (like me). We will save the prostate discussion for another post. But do the best you can on this because, again, this is when you are making testosterone and burning fat. We all like it when have to pole vault out of the bed in the morning and this is when your body is making all the stuff needed for that to happen.

You see I like to write as much as I like to talk so this could go on for a while, but the biggest thing really is diet. You gotta be eating healthy. Track your macros. If you don't know what those should be then reach out to me and let's figure it out. It's different for every guy based on height, age, weight, and activity level but once you know what those goals are...be intentional about staying within your target goals.

So that's enough for now. Like I said, ask any questions you have. Let's work together to get and stay fit as we get older so we don't feel like we're over 40!

Cheers...Billy

Oh P.S. I forgot to include but NO MORE CHIPS, FRENCH FRIES, or SODAS! I'll talk more about this later, but for now CUT THEM OUT!

[iammikedee]

First run-in with transphobic doctor

Hey y'all. I realize I haven't written in a literal year. In general, things are going great. I got married and reconciled with family, which both need to be their own posts, which I'll get on top of later. Today I wanted to vent about my first experience with a doctor who had homosexual and transgender bias.

Before I get into it, I want to say that I really don't throw the word 'transphobic' around lightly. I think there is a difference between hate, phobia, and ignorance, and each needs to be analyzed and addressed separately. But I'm not here to talk philosophy, I'm here to say that I am deliberately choosing to call this doctor, or at least his actions, transphobic, as he was afraid to treat me the way he would presumably treat his non-transgender patients.

A few months ago, I pulled something weed-whacking and parts of my neck and arm went numb. The numbness persisted for a couple weeks, so I figured I'd better go get it checked out just to be safe. I couldn't see my primary because she's out for a few months, so I went to express care at the same practice at #amplahealth.

The nurse took my blood pressure and it was really high which is unusual. I've had high BP in the past, but not for a couple years, and all other readings at this office in recent years have looked great, so I fully expected the doctor to address it.

I was taken to a room and the doctor entered shortly after, respectfully confirming that I was transgender female-to-male which is of course standard practice. He then attempted to confirm that I was having pain in my left back and shoulder. I explained that there was no pain, but persistent numbness, and swelling that had since gone away.

He asked if I was taking testosterone. I told him that I had not taken testosterone for over a month.  He asked why. I verbally hesitated, as this is an uncomfortable and private matter, and I was not familiar with him. He assured me that to treat me properly, he must know, so I explained that my husband (who was in the room with me, this is important later) and I planned to have a child.

He then declared that my "pain" was the result of abruptly discontinuing a high dose of testosterone. I explained that I had not stopped taking my hormones suddenly but weened myself off safely and successfully under the supervision of my primary care doctor. I also reiterated that there was no pain, only numbness, and added that I first experienced the sensation while weed whacking since he had not asked me anything about the incident yet.

I explained that I felt numbness “here,” and pointed to the area. He was looking at his clipboard and would not look at me. Uncertain if he had heard me, I asked if I could show him the area. He still would not look at me. A really long, awkward stint of time passed that left husband and I staring awkwardly at each other. Eventually he did look at me, and I said, “This is where I’m having the numbness,” and pointed to the area. He didn't observe the area. He didn't touch it. He didn't even ask any questions about it. He simply reiterated that my "pain" was due to stopping testosterone and said that suddenly stopping a high dose of testosterone can cause unexpected pain in various areas of the body.

I'm not a doctor y'all. But Jesus Christ. Come on. I had long since tapered off of my hormones with no issues, and I could feel the EXACT moment my numbness started - - - when I was weed whacking.

Then the doctor stopped in the middle of his explanation and asked, “Why are you looking at me like that?” This confused me and I glanced at my husband, then back at the doctor. “See? Now you’re tilting your head. What am I saying that’s so confusing?”

I said that regardless of whatever influence may have played a factor in starting the numbness, my day-to-day tasks were exacerbating the issue and I was concerned. I told him that when my arms were held up it increased the numbness, and that working at my desk while typing or driving my car seemed to trigger it.

This is where he really went off the rails. He said he was not going to file a worker’s comp claim (?????????). I asked him why he thought this was a work injury. He said it was because I work at a desk, and that workers comp claims are messy, and “Trust me, you really don’t want to get into that kind of thing.” I reminded him that my issue began when I was weed whacking.

He said, “I can give you some baclofen to relax your muscles, but you need to see your primary about this.” I explained that my primary was on maternity leave, which is why I had come to express care. Then he started to talk shit about my doctor! I can't make this stuff up y'all. He complained that she hadn't set a return date and this and that and the other; personal feelings about his colleague that he had no business talking about to his patients.

At that point his cell phone rang. He recovered it from his pocket and mentioned that it was his son, and that he had to take the call. He corrected himself after glancing at the screen and said that it was actually his boss and stepped outside of the door to take the call.

At that point, I chose to leave because I felt I was not being respected, and felt the doctor was not invested in helping me. As my husband and I left the office, I passed him in the hallway. I said, “We’re going to leave, thank you.” The doctor said, “Don’t you want your baclofen?” I said no and left.

He never asked me questions. Never touched my arm or neck. He barely looked at me. As far as my blood pressure went, he never mentioned it and I had to go elsewhere to get it checked out, as well as my original problem with numbness. (I had pinched a nerve, and the numbness went away on its own. A doctor confirmed that this had nothing to do with testosterone. Was given blood pressure medication for hypertension and told to follow up with my primary.) I scheduled an appointment with another doctor at Ampla to talk about the blood pressure.

Bad experience, but life goes on, right?

WRONG!!

A week or two later, I logged onto my patient portal to find that the doctor assigned to me that fateful day really went to town on my patient chart, filling it with dangerous and incorrect information about my medication, an incorrect reason for my visit, and on top of that, he used my patient chart like a diary to express his feelings about me.

First, he logged my visit as leg numbness.

Then, under "history of present illness," he wrote the following. This is HIS note, word for word, copied and pasted from my chart to Tumblr. I bolded my favorite parts:

“Patient comes to the clinic today with his male friend. His chart note identifies him as a transgender female to male who had been on testosterone 200 mg every week. This was discontinued a month ago. In the last month patient and his male friend have decided they want to have a baby, the reason for discontinuing. Realizing the possible adverse effects of that much testosterone that frequently and then discontinuing it I continued asking questions of this individual. Patient became very agitated. I attempted to explain to him why I was asking was led to his insistence that he was having muscle spasms in the neck and that was causing the numbness down his neck, arm, shoulder, and upper back. While trying to reassure this individual that I was trying to help him with the thoughts of giving him baclofen for muscle spasms myself on begin to buzz from a call from our companies headquarters. I excused myself and stepped out of the room to answer. Before I could asked the caller to hold on, the patient and his male friend stormed out of the room with the patient saying "you know what I am just going to leave". I asked the patient if he would like me to give him a prescription for baclofen to which she said "no I am good". Patient was not thoroughly evaluated. Patient became extremely angry that I was even questioning him. Patient obviously had some kind of disdain for me as a straight white male provider and chose to leave without being seen.”

Y'all.

Y'all.

Where do I even start?

How about how he refers to my husband as my “male friend” after they were explicitly introduced at the appointment? I could not have been clearer in saying we were married and would soon be trying for a child. Our decision to have a child was not decided over the last month as he claimed, but rather, over many, many years. Now my chart says that I up and decided to have a baby with a friend, and abruptly stopped 200mg of testosterone a week to do this, which brings me to the fact that...

NOBODY TAKES THAT MUCH TESTOSTERONE.

My prescription, as in the entire vial, is 200mg. My dose at the time I started tapering (months and months ago) was 0.4ml, which is about 80mg/week. That's over double my dose. It's an insane dose that nobody in the history of ever has been prescribed. Not only is his information incorrect and dangerous, but it shows that he did not read my chart properly and does not understand how intramuscular medication is prescribed. And by the time I was done tapering, I was taking less that 0.1ml (20mg)/week, so no, I did not abruptly stop taking a high dose. Not only does it make it look like I'm abusing hormones, but it implicates my primary care doctor, pegging her as someone who prescribes unsafe hormones.

And finally, “Patient obviously had some kind of disdain for me as a straight white male provider and chose to leave without being seen.” He wrote this under "history of present illnesses." I resent that he projected his inferences about me in MY chart. My chart isn't his fucking diary. This is a grown ass man with a medical degree, and this is how he behaved. His attempt to gaslight me to cover his own ass is sure something. I wasn't agitated. I had no disdain for him as a straight person or a white person. That's not me. I do presently, however, have disdain for his behavior and character.

I've talked with Ampla's patient complaint department and am working hard to get my chart amended. It's a tricky process because it can take months, and the doctor himself has to agree to change the chart.

I requested that he change my hormone dose to the correct dose, correct the reason for the visit, and refer to my husband as my HUSBAND and scratch the part where he says I made a sudden decision to grow crotchfruit with a rando. I did NOT request he change "she" to "he" in my chart, nor did I request he get rid of the bit that says I detest straight white dudes, because if he wants to look like an asshole in writing, that's his choice.

In the meantime, I'm stuck with dangerous and wrong information on my chart that makes me look like I abuse hormones. And my doctor is still on maternity leave. I haven't gone back to the clinic and will not until this is amended. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because my primary is amazing, and she is a trans health care specialist who has helped my husband (also her patient) and I prepare to start trying for a baby. She's also helped me with my fibromyalgia and I've made such strides with her. I mean, she's essentially our family doctor and I could not ever hope for a better one. And yet I have no desire to stay with Ampla after this. I haven't made a decision about whether or not to go back, and until my chart is amended, I cannot morally bring myself to be seen there. I need their administration to take this seriously.

I have already let their administration know that if the chart isn't amended, I will approach my primary doctor directly, as well as their board, and proceed to take whatever steps are legal and necessary to protect myself and my primary.

I don't really know how to end this, I'm just so disappointed in their administration, this doctor in particular. There should be no place for medical staff that will not properly treat queer patients at an organization that publicly claims to treat LGBTQ patients.