#but still i wish there was an easier option
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Agatha All Along deep dive: episode 1 part 4
(Wandavision entries: [1][2][3])
(AAA entries: ep1 [1][2][3][4] ep2 [1])
well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions
do you think it took Rio a long time to choose her revenge dress? did she agonize over every detail? I picture her process like, okay I need an outfit that says fuck you (threatening) but also fuck you (horny) and fuck me (very horny) and then circle all the way back to FUCK YOU THOUGH (VERY threatening)
as to why Rio goes from super soft to *that* - I see it as the equivalent of the TV trope where someone almost dies and their loved one is very concerned, but as soon as there's no danger they slap them around the head and call them a fucking idiot. this is Rio's WELCOME HOME, CHEATER moment (Agatha has been kiiiind of been cheating death, lbr)
this is the best way rio could choose to approach agatha too, and not only because it lets her express all that pent up anger. what would be the alternative? sit Agatha down and have a honest chat? Rio knows her too well, she knows it would be simply too much. Agatha *is* more comfortable with big bombastic scenes, with violence that is a lot like foreplay. Rio is looking out for her right now, she is making it as easier for Agatha as she can, while also not letting her get away with her bullshit any longer.
one little sentence, so many ways to read it
only physically. she's not letting you in. not anymore. you'll have to save her from herself kicking and screaming. dear god she's actually honestly crying. this is a WHOLE fucking deal. and it's also the first time she sees Rio while knowing WHO rio is. she's feeling all the feelings
girls. GIRLS. how am I supposed to take decent screenshots if you keep flinging each other at walls. keep STILL! (look at the furniture btw, isn't it a bit curved? I think they're still using a fisheye lens. reality is still shifting. almost as if we're in the presence of an otherworldly being)
oh the metaphor of it. sometimes you just have to reach out and connect, even if you get hurt in the process.
BECAUSE SHE'S BEEN SHIELDING FOR SO LONG TO HIDE FROM PAIN. OH MY GOD. did a 2000s emo kid write this
every other MCU fight wishes it were this perfect storm of hot and emotionally devastating
Rio cannot physically kill Agatha, it's not allowed, she's only the collector. So what is she trying to do, exactly? Has Agatha really been cheating death for so long that Rio has no choice but to bring her in? Or is she not here to collect at all and this is just her way to get back at her ex (and possibly win her back)? I adore both options, they're tragic in different ways.
time to bullshit! time to bolt! time to get to that escape route! this is what Agatha does best. anything but face the truth
funny how agatha usually has no problem looking undignified. it's almost like this is not the point at all. so let's review: wanda has stripped agatha of the powers that have been keeping her hidden from rio. rio comes over to confront her - and not kill her, she wouldn't be allowed anyway. she does it in a way that agatha would find less scary than having a mature convo. still, agatha has to face things she's been escaping for so long and it's simply too horrifying, too overwhelming. the fact that she's joking around so much (while her future conversations with rio will be sad, soft, dramatic) tells you just how scared and how miserable she is. She's begging rio to stop, because even fighting and flirting, which is their comfort zone, is proving too much. And what does rio do? She listens and goes away. only temporary, she won't let her off the hook now that she has found her. but she's still willing to go at Agatha's pace.
aubrey plaza I would die for your evil little face
can I just say that agatha trying to flirt right now is devastating? she is at the end of her rope. she does NOT want rio to stay, doesn't trust herself around her in so many ways. but she knows how much rio wants her and just... she tries to manipulate her with flirting. it's a desperate gamble, completely undignified, completely in character for agatha. she offers herself to rio, but only physically. when what they had was infinitely more than that, it was beautiful, it was sacred.
and rio... forgives her. she laughs another one of her little soft laughs and lowers the blade. plaza is so good here, the way she says "okay, agatha," is a perfect blend of resentment and tenderness. she knows agatha better than anyone ever had or ever will. she knows why she does everything she does. and she follows her lead. one last time.
agatha's relief. she's trembling, deflated but still on her guard. she looks completely traumatized. the masterpiece that this scene is: you feel smart when you realize that they're flirting rather than fighting. when it finally dawns on you the real weight of their encounter... it's too late.
"by the way there's a bunch of scary witches after you and I totally want them to kill you, that's why I'm telling you exactly who they are and when they're coming"
agatha tries with all her might to believe that rio is heartless. because anger is easier than sadness.
we're leaning, we're leaning, we're leaning!
rio licking agatha's wound to heal it perfectly encapsulates her feelings: anger, horniness, and infinite tenderness. what a power move. rio was the one in control this whole scene, and it wrecked agatha.
"te veo" (I'm gonna go scream in a pillow)
she's gone, honey, she's gone. breathe.
Billy walking on the two of them having sex would have been less awkward than this
she was a BIT preoccupied, kid
and episode 1 is in the bag!
next stop: IT'S LILIA TIME
go to episode 2 part 1
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update i tried going back on the pill, got so dysphoric and upset so fast i decided to quit again
#this is going to be an interesting journey -_-#thots et al#its like quincy said in his song 'atlas'#'My friend has these pills'#'I know she's just trying to help'#'Oh but I'm afraid they'll make me less of myself'#i told justin if he knocks me up hes paying for the abortion#he said whatever works best for u lmfao#this is why i like him#but god its like. i hadn't even REALIZED how much of my issues the pill was contributing to until i got off it#idk man. im willing to bet on my body's functional infertility at least for now#but still i wish there was an easier option
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Sight of a Star - Blue-ish Star Ryōshū and Don Quixote
#HERES HOW BLUE-ISH STAR BELIEVERS CAN STILL WIN I PROMISE#Rendering sucks but I do like how these look very much. I hate drawing armour. big fan of dramatic shadows however.#but! as for justifications:#B-iS is an abno regarding what one so desperately wants but cannot have - possibly connecting to Blue Star and the paradise-like place-#people wish to reach by throwing themselves into it. though what is offered by B-iS is a much less refined yet as tantalising#given the text of 'The irresistible allure is almost tearing you apart' and the less refined bit being implied by both design#[jagged edges of the actual blue shape and legs like dolls - both unlike BS' much rounder and more naturalistic design]#in short it's the manifestation of impossible dreams - for Don this is her quest for a just knighthood in the City of all places#and for Ryōshū [though idk her source] it is her final work of art - the Hell Screen#when approached one's body is 'pushed away' as if a manifestation of how it is unachievable. at least it is for them#'To be truly blue the one with the true blue must be left alone in one’s blueness.'#is what I interpret as: 'to truly dream the dreamer must be left to one's fantasies'#dreams by nature do not intersect well with reality. all their flaws will be shown and they will crack under the pressure of the real world#it is why the dream pushes them away. to preserve itself. also probably has something to do with how DQ also has void dream#and this abno gives pride boosts in its event. and I personally see pride as a sort of 'self assurance' or 'self above others' so to speak#as to chase ones dreams one must think themselves the exception. as the one that can persevere over the City#plus the HP damage and the various juxtapositions in the 'forward' option may be in reference to how dreams and reality don't mix.#harming those who chase them. though all the same the 'backwards' option shows that simply tossing them aside shall hurt in its own way#to think oneself 'impure' enough to give up on chasing it is all the same resignation on your uniqueness#as for the gift: the name is possibly to do with how lower stars seem easier to reach. and the effect of damage at minus SP....#going insane dream chasing?#but to take ones leave allows for it to be left behind without any further effects. you did not look at your dreams. acknowledge them at al#but are you better off like that? not dreaming? forgetting that brilliantly unfinished star?#but anyways I hope you liked my rambles. also this abno and everything related to Blue Star is so tastefully C flavoured that I love them#and fun fact! when I was first generally mapping sinners to unfightable/EGOless abnos I entirely forgot Ryōshū somehow. which led to this.#they don't have weapons they just kick real hard and it works well enough#limbus company#ryōshū lcb#don quixote lcb#🎠🚬
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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feel like a fake fan of books because screens are more comfortable to read on than paper
#it's so much easier to focus when the lines are shorter and the surface is smooth and the pixels move when you touch them#i literally make books for a living and i'm learning bookbinding#and i would still rather read on my phone#i wish i could teleport the unread books on my shelf into my phone so i could use them#and you want to know my worst crime?#i hate the smell and feel of old books. smells like death feels like nails on a chalkboard#i always have#i just didn't have another option until e readers came along#anyway sorry to burst anyone's bubble#i am just a person with a texture issues and adhd
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Me when I still haven't decided on what I'm gonna do for my art final piece and I start working on it tomorrow 🥰
My teacher told me last minute that I probably won't be able to use my ipad like GIRL YOUVE HAD 7 MONTHS TO TELL ME THIS YOUVE TOLD ME ALL ALONG ID BE ABLE TO USE MY IPAD
I was already struggling with drawing all my concepts whilst using my ipad and now u want me to utilise a medium I've barely touched in years??? I'm gonna need to bring like 17 erasers girl how tf do I do perspective on paper
Also I literally cannot spend 10 hours on a physical piece I cannot. I've never spent more than an hour on a physical piece how am I gonna stretch that out to 10 without making it look like a mess of led 😭😭😭 I can barely manage to spend 3 hours on a digital piece and I actually use colour on those what do you want from me
Screaming on the spot
#rai rambles#i wish i couldve taken music gcse afgicgbjxf#or taken my other back up option instead of art#like apparently the spanish teacher is shit but the exam would probably be easier still 😭😭#also being out of lesson for two whole days a week before GCSEs start is FOUL
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one of the hardest lessons i've had to learn - and am still learning - is how to trust myself when i say something's wrong.
we talk about imposter syndrome and internalized ableism a lot, but not a lot about what it really means. i've had to tell myself no, i'm not overreacting, i'm in pain. or that the sounds and lights irritate me to the point i'm about to start screaming. or that i do have problems handwriting because my hand cramps up.
it took me a long time to start asking for and accepting help because i would always tell myself i didn't deserve it. i was just overreacting or being dramatic and i didn't really need it. i can get by fine without it after all!
but then i stopped being able to get by without help. suddenly it wasn't an option to go without help. i needed to ask for it, and i needed to go through the proper channels to get the support i need. it stopped being an option and started being a necessity.
i'm not saying it's easy. it's not. i still have days where i'm ashamed to be caught doing certain things. i still feel self conscious when i walk onto the bus and i'm using my cane as a visibly young person. i still put it away as fast as i can because i can walk without it, it just hurts more, and i get tired faster. i still hate being caught doing certain stims in public, and i still lie awake at night analyzing every conversation i had and where i went wrong (even if nothing went wrong). it's not easy. but sometimes it really comes down to having to choose between two bad things.
#internalized ableism#disability#man i remember at my first job when i told my coworker i had ADHD and followed it up with “but don't tell [manager]”#because i thought i would get fired for it + not being officially diagnosed + not telling her beforehand#im still that way with my autism too. i hate telling people irl especially those not (openly) in autistic communities#but it's a necessity. even if i have to fight to make sure my accommodations are in place every semester#even if i have to be vulnerable with people i don't want to be vulnerable with#i sometimes wish i could go back to being 16 and telling myself to take a gap year#or two or three. dont take the option to graduate early#wait until you're 20 and then apply for post secondary#try working for a few years. get some experience#take those courses you're missing to make it easier on yourself later on#i would have done so much differently#but i can't go back now. only forwards.
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i say this with utmost seriousness i wish i was employed
#i need income so badly but im terrified of the prospects of havin 2 live independently but otherwise bein abused 2 death is the only option#:[ im so scared i wish things were easier#it doesn help when they constantly talk abt our neighbor slash childhood bestie whos jus a bit younger than us but alrdy has like#most of her life sorted out shes workin n studyin n they got her a car 4 hwr bday n she has a boyfriend n they r movin out next month#a middle class family btw with two alive parents yadda yadda. her tuition is effortlessly paid n she works on da side 4 her own expenses#n it's like first of all im nawt a well off cis girl. second of all she had qn actual support system n an upbringing — we didn't#i literally vaguely remember spendin most of our childhood n early teens over at her apartment since it was literally two steps away#they'd let us stay 4 hours cuz they felt bad 4 us n they dunno the whole story but they kno we r one of those 'unfortunate' families lol#but yeah the difference between us is night & day. it honestly feels a little crazy since we live literally on the same floor of the same#building despite the feasible differences. idk if dats a good or a bad thing#im jus tired of bein compared 2 her cuz we were failed on so many levels by everyone in our life who was supposed to care 4 us#meanwhile she's an average white blonde girl with a good life by here's standards#i wish we were still close but it became hard approaching teens... still we owr majority of our happy childhood memories 2 hangin out @ her#house or goin places w their family. it almost kinda felt like we were part of it but ik im. exaggeratin#yea idk why i ranted but um i need a job or ill die i think#mika caws
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#@rant anon: i'm so sorry hon it was sad to read :(#i kind of get you because i felt the same some time ago#and i know that everyone is telling you stepping away is the best option but it's easier said than done isn't it#especially among people who tend to hyperfixate on things haha#i know it's frustrating and i wish things were different and god it's really sad that this is happening#but if you ask me where to put that love i would say: keep it hidden and sheltered deep down#that’s what i am doing hoping for better times#and that one day i will be ready to let it out again#i know feeling like your life suddenly will be empty looks scary#but it's gonna get easier with each day#i manage now cause i got into other things and while i still keep an eye on the fandom i managed to detach emotionally to the point#where i don't even flinch when something happens#i hope you'll find the peace one day too but god knows it's hard#if you ever want to rant more feel free x
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oh, yeah! I forgot that I wanted to update you guys on the Colestyramine situation (sooo exciting, I know)
I've completely changed my mind about the chewable tablets. I hated them at first, and now - well I don't love them, because they're still gross obviously. but I've figured out how to chew them without really tasting them too much, and now I much prefer them over the powder!!
it's really convenient to just put them in my bag and take them when I'm somewhere else. I don't have to prepare anything to take them (any extra step will honestly just make me not eat), and I've found I really don't need 2 of them 3 times a day. I've been taking 3-4 a day (usually one before breakfast and one after - I just can't do two right after each other, and then one before lunch and dinner) and it's enough - so yeah I'm glad I tried them and I'll be sticking with them!
#genuinely surprised by how much my opinion has changed haha#they smell... kind of like fish 🤮 but I've gotten pretty good at ignoring that lol#I really just have to put a tiny bit of water in my mouth and that's enough to get them to dissolve much easier. in the info leaflet it#doesn't say you *can't* do that and they recommend just.. using spit. but then I can taste it the whole time and nope can't do that 🤮#but yeah this way works super well for me 😄#like. I wish my stupid gallbladder hadn't decided to be useless and that it was still there and doing its thing. but since I can't have that#and since I probably won't be able to get those other tablets I suppose this is the best option#cw medication#personal
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i want the new zelda game but i can not justify spending all that money on a game i won't even play "correctly"
#all i do in botw is explore and take photos#wish there was a difficulty option bc i think the game is really hard :(#like i still want enemies and fighting but i wish there was an option to make the game easier#it's so fun to explore and collect things and the easier fights are so fun#AND THE PUZZLES! i love the puzzles too!#txt
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Have you ever thought about PayPal so your Australian fans can buy lil miss Rosi nudes? 🤭🥺
I’m sorry I’m never going to use PayPal 😔
BUT I do have another option for my Australian friends 😌
#again idk if I’m going to be actively selling content again#but if anyone is interested in classic rosie content (not going to be doing any customs or anything) feel free to dm or message me!#might put together a lil Dropbox folder for anyone who is interested#idk yet#I do still have my snap so I could always go that route too#but tbh I’ve been very inactive on snap#I don’t really post and I’m barely around to talk#this move has been kicking my ass guys (I know I say that a lot but holy shit fuck me)#but I do have a few bj (dildo) videos that I could show off cause I think they’re super cute 😇#also plenty of lingerie photo shoots back when I used to do them all the time (rip 🥲😭😭😭😭)#as for my Australian friends (or anyone else who doesn’t have access to venmo or cashapp) I do have other options!#one of my snap babes is from australia and he joined my snap awhile ago so I know it works for you guys 😘#aw I haven’t talked to him in ages I hope he’s ok#why do I suck at talking and reaching out lately. I know it’s cause I’m just trying to survive but fuck I just wish it was easier#ANYWAY#I’m getting distracted sorry#I also got an ask the other day so it’s made me think about it more#but I’m thinking about making a fansly or MV and just putting a bunch of my classic rosie content on there#I’m still thinking about it#but if enough people are interested maybe I’ll do it 😌#this was super jumbled I’m sorry hahaha hope this answered your question!!#ask#anon
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January 2024 Reading Wrap Up
Books Read: 33 Pages Read: 12,470 Words Read: 3,703,493 Books DNF'd: 1 Avg Rating: 3.73
5 ⭐ Reads:
If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio
The Will of the Many by James Islington
Favorite Book:
The Will of the Many by James Islington - 5 ⭐
AUDI. VIDE. TACE. The Catenan Republic—the Hierarchy—may rule the world now, but they do not know everything. I tell them my name is Vis Telimus. I tell them I was orphaned after a tragic accident three years ago, and that good fortune alone has led to my acceptance into their most prestigious school. I tell them that once I graduate, I will gladly join the rest of civilised society in allowing my strength, my drive and my focus—what they call Will—to be leeched away and added to the power of those above me, as millions already do. As all must eventually do. I tell them that I belong, and they believe me. But the truth is that I have been sent to the Academy to find answers. To solve a murder. To search for an ancient weapon. To uncover secrets that may tear the Republic apart. And that I will never, ever cede my Will to the empire that executed my family. To survive, though, I will still have to rise through the Academy’s ranks. I will have to smile, and make friends, and pretend to be one of them and win. Because if I cannot, then those who want to control me, who know my real name, will no longer have any use for me. And if the Hierarchy finds out who I truly am, they will kill me.
Notable runner-ups:
Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi - 4.5 ⭐
Villains Series by V.E. Schwab - 4.5 ⭐ (Vicious), 4.75 ⭐ (Vengeful)
Salt Houses by Hala Alyan - 4.75 ⭐
Least Favorite Book:
Him by Sarina Bowen, Elle Kennedy - 1.75 ⭐
Do Not Recommend at all. The use of a racial slur without pushback from the narrative, misogynistic tropes and general vibes, and so much fucking biphobia. I spent money on this 😩😩😩
Book(s) DNF'd:
Sky's End by Marc J Gregson - dnf'd @ 65%
Interesting premise but so fucking stupid and so poorly executed 😔😔😔
Overall thoughts: interesting month, read some books I have been wanting to read for months/years, as well as some that I likely wouldn't have gotten to for months/years 😅😅😅. First month using a random number generator to choose my reads and *chefs kiss* a life saver. Fun fact: I also read 33 books in Jan 2023.
#2024 reads#monthly reading wrap up#bri's adventures in literature#it took me...... so long to figure out how i wanted to do this#and i am still not happy of course lol#wish there were more and easier formatting options on tumblr ngl#i'll add links to my original posts once i hit my april wrap up lol
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i find it weird for a reason i cant place that of all the art mediums ive dipped into, 3D modeling has always been the hardest to get any grasp on. like, every 3D art program is so unintuitive and confusing, and you cant even just fuck around and find out with most of them.
#even with blockbench which was the easiest so far. i still was staring at youtube tutorials going. WHY?#is it just the inevitable way that 3D modeling has to be because of the facts of the medium? is there not easier ways?#i mean every other thing ive tried so far has honestly been... easy? ish? enough?#at least the basics of them if nothing else#i wanna say crocheting might be another option for 'what the fuck even is this medium' but honestly. i was fun#even if i did only ever make like 4 things that fit in my palm and they were. 3 squares and a heart#the 3d part of 3d modeling isnt even like. an issue. ive messed with clay before and even made little things out of paper and cardboard#it truly is just. the interface and keybinds and shit. aough#i wish it was like... have you ever played vr art games? where you can draw in a 3D space around you? i wish it was like that yknow#there was one 3d art program ive messed with in the past that was kinda like that but i dont remember the name and it also felt...#idk. its hard to describe. it was a weird one#i just want to 3D model so i can make my OCs </3#my post
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i dont even work tomorrow but im filled with dread that i wont be able to just sleep in over and over again the whole next week
#the bin#:( to be honest i think id rather still live with my parents than have to deal with this#maybe its just cause i dont have transportation or live alone#i still dont feel like i have freedom of being an adult. maybe bc the person i live with acts like theyre more of an adult and have more#right over where we live. why do i have to have the smaller room anyway? she cant find any good justification that doenst boil down to#'youre younger than me' which is not a good reason. and i dont even care that much but like. ahe decided that she deserves it more than me#because she wants equal control over the common space too bc she spends more time there#i spend almost all my time in my room. in my opinion i think that means i should get the bigger room but she fully decided thats not at all#an option. she doenst even USE one of her closets or her bathroom. the only good reason she should have it is that it has an aircon#and my room doesnt and she overheats easier but like. thats never the reason she uses. idk.#i really truly wish i wasnt forced to move in with her. we had been planning to move in togeteh but i expected her to treat me like a adult#she just refuses to see me as one. its exhausting especially considering im the one keeping us afloat financially#the reason i had to call put sick this past week is because i was burnt out from faxing her mistakes and trying to keep us from getting#kicked out. idk. im tired of this and im tired of her#and i keep telling her she needs to treat me like an adult and an equal now that things have changed and she refuses to even#acknowledge that she doesnt. she treats me exactly the same as before. idk. sorry i complain so much#i really dont wanna go back to work :(
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last night i spent like half an hour sperging about how cool it would be if blender expanded the uv editor into a full 2d vector workspace with measurement unit associations and exactly how you would implement something like that and what it would be useful for and im still so mad knowing how much i would use that and now its never gonna happen. blender hire me. please
#i wish they would ecpand a lot of cad-like features a lot more because at the end of the day its still almost entirely an art program#but its the only legitimate foss challenge to proprietary cad programs and piggybacking off what it already has is massively easier than#any other options rn
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