#i sometimes wish i could go back to being 16 and telling myself to take a gap year

[bloomingbluebell]

one of the hardest lessons i've had to learn - and am still learning - is how to trust myself when i say something's wrong.

we talk about imposter syndrome and internalized ableism a lot, but not a lot about what it really means. i've had to tell myself no, i'm not overreacting, i'm in pain. or that the sounds and lights irritate me to the point i'm about to start screaming. or that i do have problems handwriting because my hand cramps up.

it took me a long time to start asking for and accepting help because i would always tell myself i didn't deserve it. i was just overreacting or being dramatic and i didn't really need it. i can get by fine without it after all!

but then i stopped being able to get by without help. suddenly it wasn't an option to go without help. i needed to ask for it, and i needed to go through the proper channels to get the support i need. it stopped being an option and started being a necessity.

i'm not saying it's easy. it's not. i still have days where i'm ashamed to be caught doing certain things. i still feel self conscious when i walk onto the bus and i'm using my cane as a visibly young person. i still put it away as fast as i can because i can walk without it, it just hurts more, and i get tired faster. i still hate being caught doing certain stims in public, and i still lie awake at night analyzing every conversation i had and where i went wrong (even if nothing went wrong). it's not easy. but sometimes it really comes down to having to choose between two bad things.

[spncupcake]

186 writing prompts //

I found this post earlier last year. OP deleted the post, but I had saved this. These are NOT my ideas - credits to OP.

Angst:

1. " Give me a chance. "

2. " Not you again.."

3. " Leave me alone."

4. " I don't love you anymore. "

5. "Why do you hate me? "

6. " Host the baby. "

7. " I thought you loved me. "

8. " I don't need you anymore."

9. " I can't believe you! '

10. " We cant keep this up forever. "

11. " You're a monster. "

12. " I hate you. "

13. " Don't leave me...

14. " You're a disappointment. "

15. " Don't die on me - Please."

16. " I never meant to hurt you. "

17. " Are you upset with me? "

18. " I wish i'd never met you. "

19. "I'm going to kill you! "

20. " Please don't hurt me like this."

21. ”Thanks for nothing. "

22. " Dont call this number again. "

23. " Why did you spare me? '

24. " You need to leave. "

25. " I'm sick. "

26. " I'm dying."

27. " I wish i'd never met you."

28. " I thought we were family!"

29. " There was never an us."

30. " So that's it? It's over? "

31. " I fucked up."

32. " I came to say goodbye. "

33. He's dead because of you. "

34. " I don't deserve to be loved. "

35. " About the baby... Its yours.

Love:

36. " I'm so in love with you. "

37. " Dance with me! "

38. " Isn't this amazing? "

39. " I wish we could stay like this forever. "

40. " Will you marry me? "

41. " I'm pregnant."

42. " I need a hug. "

43. " You're special to me. "

44. " I'm going to keep you safe. "

45. " Do you trust me? "

46. " Can I kiss you right now? "

47. " You're cute when you're angry. "

48. " I've liked you for awhile now. "

49. ~ Lets have a baby."

50. " We'd make such a cute couple."

51. " I want to take care of you. "

52. " Can we cuddle? "

53. " It's lonely here without you."

54. " I can't stand the thought of loosing you. "

55. " Shut up and kiss me already."

56. " Are you flirting with me? "

57. " Is that my shirt? "

58. " How did we get here? "

59. " You own my heart. "

60. " You'd be a great dad. "

61. " You'd be a great mom."

62. " I want to protect you. "

63. "Whats the matter? "

64. " You're so beautiful. "

65. " Did you do something different with your hair?”

66. " Is that a new perfume? "

67. " Stop being so cute. "

68. " You're making me blush! "

69. " You're teasing me again..."

70. " This is why I fell in love with you. "

71. " You're the best! "

72. " They're going to love you, don't worry! "

73. " Oh, Are you ticklish? "

74. " Of course I remembered! "

75. " You're one hell of a girl. "

76. " You're one hell of a guy. "

77. " Are you jealous? '

78. " Hold me and never let me go. "

79. " Stop hogging all the blankets! "

80. " Let’s run away together."

General:

81. " Catch me if you can! "

82. " I'm fine. "

83. " Are you drunk? "

84. " Are you high? "

85. " We cant go in there...

86. " Give it back! a

87. " Well this is just great. "

88. " Don't touch me."

89. " Not sure if you could tell, but l'm not exactly a people person. "

90. "This was fun - Lets do it again sometime!"

91. " I didn't do it! "

92. " I did it... "

93. I don't remember that! "

94. Well that's pretty rude of you to say."

95. " Get that thing away from me! "

96. " You owe me. "

97. " Do you believe in aliens? "

98. " Do you believe in ghosts? "

99. " Are you hitting on me? "

100. " Why are you naked? "

101. " You did what?!"

102. " You have... Superpowers? "

103. " Why are you bleeding? "

104. " Where did all these puppies come from?"

105. " Don't make me come over there myself! "

106. ��" That wasn't funny."

107. " This tastes horrible. "

108. " This is delicious! "

109. " Are you mad at me? "

110. " Stop ignoring me..."

111. " I love that show too! '

112. " Can I borrow that book of yours?"

113. " Lets blow this joint."

114. " Let me help you with that. "

115. " Take that back! "

116. " Wanna go see a movie with me? "

117. " No way, that's so lame. "

118. "What are you listening to? "

119. " I brought you your coffee."

120. " Don't fuck this up. "

121. " Run! "

122. " Lets run away together. "

123. " I haven't slept in four days..."

124. " Your turn to do the dishes. "

125. " Was I really that drunk? "

126. " Was I really that stoned? "

127. "Give me back my phone! "

128. " You're an asshole. "

129. " Are you cold? '

130. " This place gives me the creeps. "

131. " I swear my house is haunted. "

132. " Did you hear that? "

133. " It's just your imagination. "

134. " Just how stupid do you think I am? "

135. " Stop being such a baby."

136. " Go back to bed. "

137. " Are you okay? "

138. " I can take care of myself just fine."

139. " Thanks for helping me back there."

140. " Since when have we ever been friends? "

141. "What on earth are you wearing? "

142. " I can't feel my legs! "

143. " Stop texting me weird stuff so late at night. "

144. " Put me down! "

145. " There's only one bed..."

146. " It isn't what it looks like! Okay.. Maybe it is..

147. " How did Hoose it? "

148. " I read your diary."

149. " This is awkward. "

150. " Didn't you read the sign? "

151. " Do you think you can teach me that?”

Below are NSFW prompts.

Please if you're rebloggling tell your followers if you're interested or not in taking these sorts of requests.

Sexual:

152. " Bite me. "

153. " Make me."

154. " Fuck me. "

155. " Stop teasing me so much..."

156. " Do you like it when I touch you like that?'

157. " Okay.. This is new."

158. “Want to head back to my place and have a little fun?”

159. "You're in trouble now. "

160. " What a pretty sight. "

161. " Bend over. "

162. " On your knees. "

163. " The food looks great but.. There's something much more delicious i'd like to eat right now. "

164. " Lay back. "

165. " Take off your clothes. "

166. " Well, fine; just this once."

167. " I'm waiting."

168. " You're so beautiful. "

169.  “As you wish."

170. "First one to make a noise looses."

171. " You have no idea what you do to me. "

172. " If you're bored; Wanna have sex? "

173. " Ive wanted this for so long. "

174. "Car sex looks so much more easier in the movies. "

175. "Can I touch you? '

176. "Open up."

177. "No strings attached. "

178. " Already? Do I really have that much of an effect on you? '

179. " Mine."

180. " The nights still young. "

181. "We cant do that here! "

182. " Behave."

183. What did you just say? "

184. " Good girl. "

185. " Good boy. "

186. " Come here."

[chainslobber]

I’m sorry this might not be a good place to vent.

I just hate living with my family sometimes, I feel like nobody cares because all I hear from them are “there are people with bigger problems than you” or “you’re so sensitive” or “even blank can do better than you.”

I want to cry but I can’t, I really want to tell them how I feel but I know they don’t care they’ll always play it off as a joke and saying I’m overreacting.

Worst of all are my brothers whom I feel I’ve made a mistaken in telling them I was question my identity and told them I don’t want to hear the labels, “girl” “lady” “woman” directed at me. When I’m with them I tell them to label me with they/them.

however they’ve been doing nothing but ganging on me, berating every little thing I do. I’ve asked them “why are you doing this to me?” My youngest brother who is only 10 said “it’s because we’re boys and you’re a girl.” Maybe I can forgive that being 10 is considered quite young right? But worst is my brother who I can’t excuse who’s 16 AGREED WITH HIM.

I can’t take it anymore

Hello, OP, feel free to vent!

As a fellow nonbinary who's AFAB in a household of men, I understand how annoying and frustrating it can be. When I moved back home, my dad just gave me a big old grin and went 'finally, a woman's back in the house, it's gonna be so clean now!" Even now, almost three years later, my dad is convinced it's a woman's duty to keep the house clean, and if ANYTHING needs to be done, he'll only ask me--not my brother or my husband or even offer to do it himself. That's all I'm meant to do.

My own brother looked at my asexual flag once and went 'you got raped so you can't be asexual, right? How're you ever going to make a man happy if you don't want sex?" And my father can't fathom why I don't shave my legs because 'it's disgusting for a woman to be hairy."

I'm 32 and I wish I could say it gets better, OP, but it doesn't. Some people just really don't give a shit about you, even your own flesh and blood, but there are people who DO care. Make your own family and friends, and whenever you get the chance to move out, MOVE. Don't fucking look back. I've had to move back home a few times because I'm a failure and every time I convince myself 'it's been a few years, it'll be different this time' and then have my dad call me a cripple or the hard R slur because I messed something up.

You're always welcome to vent here because I know how frustrating it can be to want to be yourself and comfortable in your own skin and your own flesh and blood considering you to be lesser. You're not. If you're questioning your pronouns, question them! If you're AFAB but feel happier as a tomboy or boyish or NB, then that's okay! Life's WEIRD and it's too short to be unhappy. You'll never convince your family of your identity because they don't care about you--they've made that pretty obvious.

But other people want you to be safe and happy. Follow those people, follow those good feelings--you deserve happiness in any capacity.

[marimbles]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thanks for the tag @jattendschaton<3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

29

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

283,369

3. What fandoms do you write for?

mostly miraculous ladybug and a bit of owl house! potentially a couple others in the future

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Why Are You Like This?

tell me something i don't know

lucky (we're in love in every way)

some truths are loyal (as the shadows we lead)

two idiots and a hamster

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i try to! it means a lot to me that people would go out of their way to leave their thoughts. sometimes it's a bit hard to keep up on multichaps though if the updates are frequent enough so i really fell off the bandwagon and currently live in shame with an overflowing inbox;; trying to do better from now on!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

tbh i don't really do angsty endings bc i want the ending to be happy lol

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

like i said, all my fics have a happy ending but i think lucky is probably the most like extra-fluffy happy ending. and then tell me something i don't know is probably the most cathartic happy ending purely for the dramatic 100k+ buildup lol.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not really, no! maybe a sort of disappointed comment here and there

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

nope and i don't read it either haha

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

nah

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

haha i hope not!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

a few in russian and one in spanish (the beginning of it, at least)

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yep! @botherkupo was my collab partner for two idiots and a hamster and i had a blast writing with her!! kim is such a good writer and sooo clever and funny so it was really fun to try to match her energy and bounce ideas off each other to make it as silly as possible

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

love square and in particular marichat is my weakness<3 also big shoutout to huntlow. and also zelink. and also recently tamaharu. aklsjf

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

at this point im not sure i will ever come back to i wanna tell you (but i don't know how) … it's an owl house fic that i started during season 3 but the direction i had planned doesn't feel very relevant anymore now that the show is over

16. What are your writing strengths?

i think dialogue bc i really enjoy writing it and it typically comes most easily to me! i would consider humor a strength too bc i have a very good time being silly

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

big one is speed. I'm just very slow 😔 the writing process is fairly painstaking for me, and it takes a lot of time and effort even to write things that are pretty short and simple! agonies

for the writing itself, i consider myself a pretty simple writer with a pretty simple writing style—which works well for me most of the time, especially since I tend to lean toward humor. but sometimes it feels like a weakness when i read a story with really rich, beautiful prose and i wish i could emulate that a bit more! when i'm trying for something with a more serious tone it takes a lot more effort for me to convey the appropriate level of depth I'm going for and i worry about going overboard and coming off as overwrought or cheesy sounding lol. along the same vein i feel sometimes that my characterization is a bit two-dimensional and i find myself wishing i could add more levels and depth to the characters. there's just a lot i try to balance in my writing and i don't feel like im quite striking that balance every time. which is fine because no one's perfect ofc! i hope this is all stuff i can learn to be better at.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i generally prefer keeping everything in english since im writing in english. it just feels a bit smoother for the POV if there would be no distinction for the character, and i don't want people to be pulled out of the story if they need to google something

19. First fandom you wrote for?

hunger games, i think

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

tell me something i don't know C:

tagging (if you want to!): @fairytales-and-folklore @lollytea @bahbahhh @sha-nwa @botherkupo @taliaxlatia (or whatever blog u wanna do it on lol)

[madandi]

From The Times

article about the new song: "Thank you mother"

At 16 Amy Nuttall became the youngest understudy for the lead role of Christine in The Phantom of the Opera, then a year later she joined the ITV soap Emmerdale and stayed for five years. The Lancashire-born actress has since appeared in Hotel Babylon, Downton Abbey, Death in Paradise and, most recently, Mr Bates vs the Post Office. On stage she has been in My Fair Lady, Boeing-Boeing, Cabaret and Spamalot. Now 41, Nuttall is married to the actor Andrew Buchan. They live with their nine-year-old daughter and five-year-old son in Buckinghamshire.

How much is in your wallet?

No one carries cash now — everything is cashless. I did get caught short last year when my daughter lost a tooth unexpectedly. I had no money for the tooth fairy. Luckily my neighbour came to the rescue but now I always make sure I have pound coins in my wallet. Apart from that, all I have is my driver’s licence, Tesco Clubcard, Boots card, Caffè Nero stamp card and my debit card.

What credit cards do you use?

I don’t own any. When I joined Emmerdale I came home to visit my parents and for some reason I’d got myself a credit card and I was telling my dad about it and he made me get it out, got a pair of scissors and said, “Right, I want you to cut it up in front of me. Take my advice. Do not go down that road.” And it’s just stuck with me. I’ve never had one since. I think my dad knew that it would basically give me the opportunity to spend money I didn’t have, so I think it was very wise advice.

Are you a saver or a spender?

I’d love to say I’m a saver. I think I started out really well but I have become a bit of a spender. It’s mainly on my children. When I started out, aged 16, touring in The Phantom of the Opera, my first pay cheque was £500 a week, which was an absolute fortune for someone that age. I remember we were rehearsing in London before we went on tour, and I needed some new trainers, so I went to Schuh in Covent Garden. And I’ve never forgotten that feeling of buying my own trainers with my own money — and still having money in my account. After that I barely spent a penny, other than on accommodation and food. I don’t know where that girl went, as I really enjoy spending now. Back then I was very cautious. I just wish I’d had the foresight to put that money into property.

How much did you earn last year?

I’m an actress, self-employed, so it varies substantially from year to year. Sometimes I get surprise emails from my agent about royalties, saying, “Downton Abbey has been sold to this country,” or whatever, and they’re always nice little happy surprises. But generally speaking, in the last financial year — what can I tell you? — below a hundred grand, but I’m married so it all goes into one pot. So it’s not as scary because I can lean on that. People may have thought that being in Downtown Abbey meant I could put my rates up, but it’s really not the case. I always seem to land jobs where they tell you there isn’t any money in the pot. And then you find out who the lead is and you think, ah, all the money is going to that person. So it’s really not as lucrative as people perceive.

I sing too. I recently released a song called Thank You Mother, to raise money for the Brain Tumour Charity. That won’t see any personal return, but that’s fine as I want all the money to go to the charity. Overall I’m used to not knowing how things will be financially. It’s that excitement of not knowing what’s around the corner — maybe that big job with lots of money is going to turn up. That hasn’t happened yet, but you never know.

Have you ever been really hard up?

I started off well with Phantom and then Emmerdale, but when I was 22 I left and moved to London. Soon after I bought my first property in Ladbroke Grove [west London] but stupidly bought one that I was unable to sublet. I’d really stretched myself to the limit to buy it and I was relying on being in work to pay my mortgage and bills. I was the lead in Cabaret in the West End at the time, but it was a massive drop in earnings after Emmerdale and I just couldn’t cover everything, so I had to put the flat on the market. I had to move out a week after I finished Cabaret and rent a room in a flat and put all my furniture into storage. It was devastating.

Do you own a property?

I’m the joint owner of our comfortable family home in Buckinghamshire. We owned a smaller house before.

Are you better off than your parents?

I’d say my dad is probably better off than me. He recently retired but he was a criminal barrister and a judge. I have no idea how much money he earned but he was always extremely cautious and never spent money on five-star hotels. My mum was a hairdresser when they met and then did interior design for a while. Things were comfortable and my dad paid for all three of us to have a private secondary education.

Do you invest in shares?

I don’t and it’s not something I’ve ever thought about. I don’t know enough about it.

What is better for retirement, property or pension?

A bit of both. It probably changes from year to year but I think it would be safer to have a bit of property, a bit of pension.

What has been your best investment?

My house, my health and my children — not in that order.

And the worst?

I’ve not really made any great investments but I can’t think of anything that has been significantly bad either.

The most extravagant thing you’ve bought?

I bought my mum a Louis Vuitton bag because she did everything for my wedding. I just turned up on the day, which was great. I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it — she did it all. So I bought her a beautiful cream Louis Vuitton handbag, which cost about £2,000, which is an insane amount of money.

What is your money weakness?

Food, probably. I’m quite lazy, especially with the grim weather we’ve had lately. I just want to get out of the house and go to a cosy café to eat stuff I could easily make at home. My other weakness is [the homeware store] Homesense — I’m an absolute sucker for kitchen paraphernalia. Whether it’s another teapot or candle I don’t need, I’m there.

What is your financial priority?

My children. We’re a way off secondary school yet, though, so we’ll see what happens.

What would you do if you won the lottery?

First, I wouldn’t broadcast it. I’d share it among family, and I’d love to have the luxury of giving away a chunk of money to the Brain Tumour Charity. If there was any left to spoil myself, I’d love to be mortgage-free. I’d love a big house in the country with an Aga and a dog, and a holiday home in Tuscany. That would be lovely.

Do you support any charities?

I’m a patron of the Brain Tumour Charity — my mother passed away from a glioblastoma brain tumour in October, and I’ll be donating all the proceeds from Thank You Mother to them. It’s a song we played a lot at home in my mother’s final weeks. It was a very emotional time and the words in the song are very poignant to my relationship with my mum. I knew straight away that I had to do something to raise awareness of this terrible disease.

What is the most important lesson you’ve learnt about money?

That you never have enough, that it goes pretty quickly and that it doesn’t bring you true happiness. And like my parents said to me, “If you look after the pennies, the pounds will follow.” All proceeds from Thank You Mother by Amy Nuttall go to the Brain Tumour Charity

[kagedbird]

TESSDE AU (+ Lucia :]) (Allora part 16)

Dinner was very extravagant, filled with foods Allora hadn't seen in years from her own home. It made her wistful as she filled her plate and stomach, enjoying watching Lucia becoming so energetic at all the different items.

Conversations had been light over dinner, but not stilted. Seemed the hosts were more than willing to let the group talk amongst themselves as they ate- mostly with Lucia and each other about small things.

Now, Allora was heading to the bathroom to freshen up before bed, pausing as she heard Lucien and Lyra in a room at the mention of her name.

Lyra: -just think that you and Allora aren't getting along very well. She has plenty of other partners, dear.

Lucien: Mother, please, I promise you that everything is all right! I do... have some hesitations about being in a relationship, but she's never once minded at how slow going ours is.

Lyra: And you? You're fine with it? I could hardly get you to pay attention to anyone outside of your books, but now she's somehow captured you?

Lucien: Surely you've seen how much of a delight she is!

Lyra: I've seen her character, yes. It's you I'm more concerned about.

Lucien: Me? Whatever for?

Lyra: Lucien, in all the letters you two have sent me, all that's ever been mentioned was her victories as the Dragonborn, what she's done as the Dragonborn. I know they were written in your hand. Yet when I sparred with her today-

Lucien: You sparred?!

Lyra: -she was incredibly upset that all I referred to her as was the Dragonborn.

Lucien: ...

Lyra: Do you only care about her because of what she is?

Lucien: Heavens, no!

Lyra: Her powers then? Davidicus told me about her ability, and how you looked so mesmerized by it. Don't tell me you're playing with her feelings like that, Lucien.

Lucien: Of course not, mother! I would never do anything so repugnant! I- I... *sighs* ...I love her. I really do. It's just- hard for me to show it like the others can, and sometimes I feel like I'm not really worth the trouble of being in a relationship with someone like her. As you said, she has so many others who care for her- more than I've been capable of doing.

Allora + Lyra: ...

Lucien: I'm so- afraid of being left behind sometimes. There have been so many instances where I felt I just never measured up, and tried to leave and... she was always so hurt by it.

Lyra: Something happened at Dumzbthar, I take it?

Lucien: I... was rather awful. Looking back on it, I wish I could redo it all again- change it. She never wanted to step foot in there after we finally arrived, but I just... kept pushing, thinking it would just be over if we got through it faster. I never considered her mental state, despite her confiding in me that she has worries and fears regarding the Dwemer. She still refuses to go back after... *sighs* ...after I made the mistake that nearly cost our friendship.

Lyra: Lucien? What did you do?

Lucien: ...Dumzbthar is the facility... as well as a Daedra that was imprisoned by the Dwemer. He controlled the facility by their rules. He wanted to be freed, after thousands of years... but he wanted to do it by using her body- her ability to hold large souls- as a means to escape. And I... felt bad for him. So I constructed him a new body.

Lyra: ...

Allora: *biting her lip as tears race down her face silently* ...

Lucien: ...She- I... even after a few arguments throughout her journey, I'd never seen her... so repulsed by me. By my hand reaching out to her. She flinched. I felt so crushed- I hadn't been thinking about anything but the possibilities of knowledge that... I forgot about her. And her feelings on the matter. And I feel like... she still hates me for it some days. So I... and for other reasons... I just keep myself at arms length with her. I never want to hurt her like that again. *chuckles weakly* And yet, I still seem to find ways to...

Lyra: ...

[clairelsonao3]

Characters Out of Context Tag

I have @j-1173 (whose post is here) to thank for this procrastination tactic today! The challenge is as follows:

Rules:

Include one character quote — of your choosing ⁠— from each chapter of your WIP (or as many chapters as you'd like)

Give absolutely no context, save for what's between two parts of an interrupted sentence, should that occur. You may mention who said it.

Have fun, no pressure!

I gave myself some additional rules: Since I'm up to 23 chapters of GSNBTR, there's no reason not to include one quote each from ALL the major primary and secondary characters up to this point, so I'm going to do that (it won't quite equal out to one per chapter, so the MCs will get a few extra ones!). And because I'm doing that, I'm going to try to choose quotes that kind of encapsulate the "essence" of each character, or at least who they were at that point in the story. Wish me luck!

Oh, and I'm not going to mention who says what because that makes it more like trivia. And if there's anything I love, it's trivia!

Ch. 1

“Is that any way to talk to me?”

Ch. 2

"What have you so-called ‘experienced slave handling professionals’ been doing to the poor kid?"

Ch. 3

"Now a guy can’t even have sex with his own property without some social justice warrior calling it rape?

Ch. 4

“And calculus, and physics, and engineering. If I were free, I’d be a certified nerd,” he said. “And probably rich, too. But who’s complaining?”

Ch. 5

"You can tell me, you know." 

Ch. 6

“Your back isn’t nearly as pretty as your face, boy.”

Ch. 7

“You’ve been quiet. Secretive.” She kept poking her rhythmically with one of her sculpted coral nail tips. “But inside, you’re glowing. I see it.” Poke poke poke. “So there’s no use denying it, sweetie. What’s his name?”

Ch. 8

"Thanks for the relationship advice, dickhead. Have you ever even seen a girl naked without having to hide behind a bush?"

Ch. 9

“Nobody does anything for me. Ever."

Ch. 10

“And why shouldn’t they?” he said. “I mean, what are we trying to do here, Keith? Disrupt slavery, right? You’ve been in the corporate world too long, that’s your problem. You don’t question things anymore."

Ch. 11

"He's not mine," she said. "He's his own."

Ch. 12

"You could never, ever let me down,” he assured her.

Ch. 13

"And by the way, if you’re looking at the master being away as an opportunity to get away with murder, forget it.”

Ch. 14

“I’ve always wanted to see the ocean. But he didn’t take me, so I’m stuck here with a shit ton of time on my hands, and you’re still in the hole from the last one.” 

Ch. 15

“You know who I’m talking about. You have to find him, Louisa,” she continued. “Immediately. Normally I would never betray the confidence of a slave who came to me like this, but I can’t reach him now."

Ch. 16

 “The stuff he said about you was really awful, Lou; I’m not telling you this to cause drama. I just wanted to warn you.” She glanced quickly at the boy again. “Both of you.” 

Ch. 17

“She learned, and grew, and changed. She had a pilgrim soul.”

Ch. 18

“You’re so wrong. If I could only give you one thing in this life, it would be to give you the chance to see yourself the way I see you. Now and always.”

Ch. 19

“And to never, ever give up on me.”

Ch. 20

"You know you seem to have a real problem telling the difference between people and things?”

Ch. 21

“And everything I said the other day, about not giving up? It all still applies. Nothing's changed. Whatever happens. We'll figure it out. We always do. ”

Ch. 22

“Well, it’s a perk, no doubt. She invites some of us here sometimes to hang out, and of course, for such a rich guy, Jake is pretty chill. I like his vibes.”

Ch. 23

“What’s he been telling you? I don’t trust him. He’s a snake.”

I don't think I forgot anyone, but there is one character missing. It's better to leave them out at this point for spoiler-avoiding reasons, though.

I'm gently tagging @tabswrites @mysticstarlightduck @whither-wander-whump in case they would like to participate in this!

[chicagosfinest2021]

Doing another one of these because I don't feel like waiting for my followers to ask me nuthin LOL

0:Height Useless 5'3''

1:Virgin? No but I wish I was sometimes (even though virginity is a man-made social construct that has no bearing in reality)

2:Shoe size 9

3:Do you smoke? Just on the dance floor

4:Do you drink? Socially

5:Do you take drugs? Just my anti-baby pills!!

6:Age you get mistaken for mid 20's usually

7:Have tattoos? On this chocolate brown skin?? Nah baby

8:Want any tattoos? I'm good

9:Got any piercings? Just my ears right now

10:Want any piercings? If I can shrink my fupa down a bit I might get my navel done

11:Best friend? My sister

12:Relationship status Perpetually single at heart/by choice

13:Biggest turn ons Emotional maturity and introspection

14:Biggest turn offs Emotionally stunted people

15:Favorite movie Toss up between Queen, Bend It Like Beckham and Wakanda Forever

16:I’ll love you if You feed me food

17:Someone you miss My grandma </3

18:Most traumatic experience Being SA'ed by different men

19:A fact about your personality I'm just a straight up catch

20:What I hate most about myself I procrastinate too much, I also can't lose this belly meat for sh*t

21:What I love most about myself I'm smart, pretty, cultured, funny, and have an overall dope vibe

22:What I want to be when I get older The rich auntie with no kids that's always traveling and spoils her niblings with money and gifts

23:My relationship with my sibling(s) Me and my middle sister are basically twins and are super close, I have a half sister whom I love but she's not into the lovey-dovey stuff. She also didn't grow up with us so we're all still getting to know each other, but we're cool for the most part.

24:My relationship with my parent(s) They're not perfect but I'm both a mommy's girl and a daddy's girl

25:My idea of a perfect date It's been so long since I've been on a real date I can't even picture what a perfect date would look like to me at this point. I guess any situation where I'm not silently wishing I had stayed at home would be a step up to me.

26:My biggest pet peeves People who insist on bringing their kids everywhere and expect the general public to help them babysit. Also when I try to pay at the pump and they tell me I have to go pay inside. I'll just get back in my car and leave.

27:A description of the girl/boy I like This guy I'm currently in a situationship right now (not proud of it). He's Latino, we've known each other since we were 13, he's funny, very eloquent when he speaks, is a really good kisser, is kind of a fuckboi and is probably aware of it. . .

28:A description of the person I dislike the most Homophobic/transphobic people in general

29:A reason I’ve lied to a friend So she would stop asking me invasive questions

30:What I hate the most about work/school I actually really like my job, my pay is nice but it could always be better tho, nah mean?

31:What your last text message says My phone is charging right now but I was texting someone about details for brunch tomorrow

32:What words upset me the most "Item is no longer in stock"

33:What words make me feel the best about myself "You just have such a deep and passionate soul"

34:What I find attractive in women Everything, women as a rule are sexy AF

35:What I find attractive in men Security in who they are and what they're about so they don't constantly feel the need to dominate or be "submitted to".

36:Where I would like to live Ireland or England

37:One of my insecurities My big boobs, I feel like people oversexualize me because that's all they see

38:My childhood career choice I wanted to play piano but then I wanted to be a writer

39:My favorite ice cream flavor I want it to be rum raisin

40:Who wish I could be I don't want to be anyone but me honestly

41:Where I want to be right now Underneath my situationship pinned to the bed

42:The last thing I ate This casserole I made that was bangin

43:Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately Alex Livinalli

44:A random fact about anything Queen Nefertiti was the stepmother of King Tut

[shenashygans]

THE SUNDAY CURRENTLY -16-

On a Friday. Yes. You read that right. A Sunday Currently post on a Friday. Bakit ba? Sinipag ako eh. Baka kasi sa Sunday tamarin ako. Talo nang maagap ang masipag. Lol. Or maybe I just have a lot of thoughts (that I'd probably won't write anyway) So I'll just start now. Another TSC by yours truly~

CURRENTLY

Reading

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable; a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because it no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Writing

A TSC post on a Friday. Because I have nothing to do. I was too early at work today. Too early to break the fast. Too sleepy to function.

Listening

Ben&Ben Radio (Spotify) and it's currently playing Pasilyo :)

Thinking

From the question, "sino kaya ang dulo ko?" and it just came to me last night. Na what if I am worth the journey, but I'm not the destination? Made me (over)think, I tell you that. But hey, I'm still worth something, eh? Alexa, play At The Beginning. Lol. Pero I'll stop myself there. Because I shouldn't be overthinking in the first place. I hate my scumbag brain sometimes \(._.)/

Smelling

Jo Malone - Nectarine Blossom, still

Wishing

I could've been there with her when she's going through some stuff. But I couldn't. I can't. I wanted to, really. And I wish she knew I'm sorry. And I'm going to make it up to her for the rest of my living days. Wish that it's easy to voice out what I feel instead of drowning them. Wish you know that you got this. That you have me to depend on. That I may not be there with you, but I can be there for you.

Wish we could've met sooner.

Hoping

I'd understand what I feel. It changes every now and then. Sometimes it's more. Sometimes it's not making sense. Sometimes it's not less, but just right. Sometimes it's all over the place. And sometimes it's all that I've got.

Wearing

my incomplete uniform lol

Loving

The weather today. Chill lang. Sa sobrang chill, hindi uminit ulo ko nung hindi kami pinasakay ng bus kaninang umaga. Lol

The fact that if you'd ask me a certain question about a certain someone, I'd probably answer it with contentment and assurance. If you ask me do I love you this much? I do ;)

Wanting

To be with you right now. I hate adulting. Ugh. PAANO BA YUMAMAN NANG WALANG GINAGAWA? Chos

Needing

To take a break in life. Like, taympers muna? Kapoy din ako eh. Pero feel ko wala akong karapatan magpahinga. Di tayo pwede mag-inarte. Ganern. I need to be strong for myself, and everyone else. I need to be the rational one here. But I need to pahuway din bala~

Feeling

Hungry right now. Might eat breakfast in a while. I feel like doing laundry when I get home, too. Meh~

I don't know if I'm making sense. I'm not??? Like, hello??? Sunday currently on a Friday???? HAHAHAHA such a Gemini thing to do ;)

[3dayweeknd]

heres another stupid vent. very specific kinda graphic at some point(s) pretty much for my eyes only. tw: themes of s/a or sexual trauma, themes of body image/insecurity, depression, s/h, hospitalization, mental health, immplication of violence ?? idk

why does my brain choose the most random times to remind me of literally the worst memories i have. like not even related to each other or related to what im doing. im gonna write it here cuz i dont feel like telling anyone here's all the worst memories my brain posses a) the worst fight i can remember my parents having i was in elementary school probably not older than like 7 and they were fighting in the car and my dad said something that really made me scared and i've never told anyone what he said because its really scary and i think that was one of the first times i remember being terrified of him. i fear being with a man because any man could say what he said to my mother that day any man could do what he said and its terrifying because we were in a moving car too so if i was ever in that situation i wouldnt have an escape. i've been scared watching my parents fight plenty but the fight in the car is something i am too afraid to tell anyone about. b) my ex sticking their finger inside me without my consent. i closed my eyes and was in so much pain and they took my writhing in pain as a sign of pleasure. so when they were done they said see you liked it. so you must not be asexual. because i thought i was asexual at that time and my ex thought it was appropriate that they be the person to try to convince me otherwise. c) same ex. begged me to suck them off. i said i was scared. and i said i was scared i would choke. i did not get any reassurance and i did not get any "okay we can do something else". i got a shush because what if their mom hears me talking about head and then more pleading. followed by head pushing. in which i tried to resist because I was terrified and i was disgusted and i tried to force myself back up but could not and they kept going. i wish i did choke. i wish i choked and threw up and scraped them and cried and let someone hear. d) being pressured into allowing head and then being told i "really stank". ok bitch i didnt want you in my pants in the first place i was 15. e) im literally still talking about the same partner. was asked when the last time i shaved or waxed my peach fuzz was. my peach fuzz is my #1 insecurity like ever since i was in kindergarten. i said i havent in a while. i was severely depressed and was not taking care of myself. they said yeah its obvious and i was overdue for a shave or wax. f) being talked to about buying condoms because ex said "i assume we're going to have sex eventually". still, i was 15. i thought i was asexual. i was severely depressed. i did not want to have sex. but i was not asked. g) ex pleaded me to masturbate over facetime. when i was 15. living at an inpatient hospital. because of how depressed i was. i was so fucking tired i was so tired of faking it. i pretended and i was bad at pretending at that point i just wanted it to stop. and they said why do you look like that. oh maybe because im tired of pretending for you. maybe because i was where i was because i couldnt find comfort in you and found comfort in cutting myself maybe because you were the worst partner ever i dont care if we were just kids. many other 16 year olds have been better partners. these memories are mostly about my 1st ex and i know its been years but i still hurt. i'm better than i was but i still hurt and im still angry and i still feel 15 and scared sometimes. anyway. not sure why my brain decided to remember all of these at the same time stupid fucking brain

[thaliaisalesbian]

i get myself twisted in threads

Chapter 28: you tell me your problems

Chapters: 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 29

“Mr. Harrington, stay after class for a moment.”

Here it comes. Steve’s been pulled aside after every class today, and this is the one he’s been dreading the most.

It’s his best class, and he doesn’t think he can stomach being told that the work he’s been turning in has been wrong, or that he just needs to retake the whole year. He’s had enough of that today.

“What do you need, Mr. Mundy?”

“I was wondering how you would feel about taking a test or two instead of turning in all those assignments. One would be graded, the other would just be to see where you’re at.”

“Really?” This is the first time he’s had this offer.  Most of his teachers have all but outright said that he’s better off not even coming back until next year, no matter how much effort and time he puts into his makeup work. It’s not like he really expected to graduate, but it’s disheartening all the same.

“Yes. The work you’ve turned in has been good, you clearly understand the concepts, even for the portions you would have been teaching yourself. The only issue is that the word problems seem to trip you up a bit.”

“They usually do.” He admits. “Will, that’s Jonathan’s younger brother, or someone else would read them to me sometimes, and that helped. I don’t know what it is when I’m reading them myself, but they never seem to make as much sense.”

“I do think you can pass this class this year, Steve.” Mr. Mundy says. “You’ve had a solid B all year, and your make-up assignments have been getting As. The graded test would be considered your final semester grade for last semester, but I don’t think you’ll have any trouble with that.”

“Yeah, let’s do it.” If he can pass at least one class this year, that’s one class he doesn’t have to retake.

Because none of his other teachers seem to think he can do it. But it means that he can do something fun. A gym class is probably out, but maybe he could take, like, drama or something. Or band. 

… Yeah, no band. One of his older cousins had tried to teach him piano, back when his parents still bothered showing up to family events, and he doesn’t think that band would go well. 

finish on ao3 or continue reading

“It’s my understanding that your other teachers think you have missed too much class time and too much work to catch up this year.” Mr. Mundy continues. “However, I have a colleague at Indiana State University who I could send some of your recent work to, and we could see about getting you into a class there to fill the gap in your schedule.”

“I’ve been rejected from Indiana State.” And everywhere else. He didn’t even get into Tech, which burns in a way he didn’t expect it to. He’s spent years not caring (or at least pretending not to care and wishing it were true) about his grades, why can’t he just do that now? It’d be so much easier if he didn’t care.

“It would just be one class; I teach a couple of them over the summer, so what would likely happen is that they would send the work over, and you would complete it here or at home.”

“What class were you thinking about?” Steve doesn’t know why he’d suggest this if he didn’t have a class in mind. 

“An introductory statistics class, or maybe a basic calculus class. We can look at what they offer together after I hear back.”

“Yeah, that sounds… that sounds good.”

“Let’s set up dates for you to take those tests, then.”

At least he has one good thing to tell Nancy and Jonathan at lunch today. 

“How’s it been getting around on your crutches?” Nancy asks when he sits down.

He can’t put his finger on it, but something about the lunchroom has changed. Not the table arrangements, or anything, but something’s off. He’d say it’s the lights, but the same one has been out since last May and there are no new dark spots in the room.

“Good. No one’s bugged me about them, or anything.” No one’s bugged him about anything, actually. He doesn’t know if it’s because they’re scared he’s going to hit them if they do or if someone he knows has something to do with it. “I’m staying after school tomorrow and Friday.”

“Are you going over your work or something?”

“Something like that.” Jonathan pokes his shoulder when he doesn’t tell them what he means. “Mundy wants me to take a couple of tests, is all. One of them will count as my final grade for last semester, and the other is just to see where I’m at now. So I don’t have to do so many extra assignments, you know.” He tries to say it as coolly as possible, but he knows that he can’t really hide the smile he’s fighting from them.

“And he says that I can pass his class this year. Not only that, but he wants me to take a college class in place of it next year.”

“I thought you got rejected, though.”

“That’s what I told him. He seems to think I can do it, and I want to try.”

“But you could take, like, woodworking or home economics or something.”

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking at first. I probably won’t have gym next year, though, so I can still do one of those.”

“Why wouldn’t you take gym?”

“Just don’t want to. Hey, do you think the drama class would let me in?”

Nancy rolls her eyes at that, and there’s a snicker from behind him.

“Don’t look.” Jonathan says. “Munson and his group have been sitting by us for the past couple of days.”

“Yeah, they sat at the end of the table on Monday.”

“Munson’s the one who found me, right?” He asks Jonathan. “I don’t really remember all that much after getting to school, to be honest.”

“Are you sure you should be here, Harrington?” Munson doesn’t bother to pretend that he’s not listening in. At least he’s honest, Steve can appreciate that.

“I’m fine, man, thanks for Monday and thanks for asking.” If he’s telling the truth, the answer is probably ‘no’—he knows he looks like asshole with his sunglasses on, but the lights have been causing him headaches since Hargrove gave him a concussion, and if he went to a doctor, he’d probably be told he needs to be be on mental rest or something.

It’s happened before, when he had to get checked out after a game. It sucked. No music, no TV, no reading. He couldn’t do anything. He’d been so bored that Carol had started reading his homework to him and filling in his answers. It’s a good thing that half of the teaching staff had been at the game he’d gotten his head rocked in, or else he probably would have been in a whole lot of trouble.

“Byers here thought you had a concussion on Monday, glad that’s not the case.” Munson says. “Sounds like you’ve had a few too many as it is.”

Jonathan stiffens besides him. Oh, shit, maybe Jonathan had forgotten about that. Since there had been a dozen other things to be concerned about, Steve can’t blame him.

“Oh, I do have one, but it’s fine. I’ve sat through classes with concussions before.”

It’s a little weird, talking to Munson when he can’t see his face. Turning around is overrated, though. 

“What? Steve, you didn’t have to come back today.” Fuck. Nancy’s hackles are up, now, he’s never going to hear the end of this.

“It’s fine, Nance, Hargrove did worse and I came back after that. Besides, the sunglasses make the lights bearable.”

He’d been trying to keep them, to keep everyone, from finding out about that, but it’s a little late now. He probably could have kept his mouth shut about the lights, though.

“We’re going to talk about that later. Would a doctor have let you come to school? Don’t lie to me.”

“No, I’d be at home.” He says. “I know the drill, I’ve done it enough times. I’m fine, really.” And it’s better than it is most times; staying in bed yesterday really helped. If he’d had to power through school, he would not be eating in the cafeteria today.

“Steve, come on, you have to know that’s not okay. Or good for you.”

Steve shrugs. He’s used to it. Nancy and Jonathan act like it’s such a big deal, but he can see straight, his ears aren’t ringing or bleeding or leaking anything, so he’s fine enough to be at school.

It’s only when Munson comes around the table, inspecting him very closely, that he realizes he’d said that all out loud.

“Damn, Harrington. Looks worse up close. Just because you’re not bleeding doesn’t mean you should be here.”

“Really, man?” Steve raises his eyebrows; they won’t see it if he rolls his eyes. “I can handle it.” It’s what he’s supposed to do. It’s not like he can let the kids take the hits.

“Don’t cause a scene about it, Eddie.” One of the other kids at Munson’s table says.

“You didn’t see him on Monday, dude.” But Munson goes back to his seat. Nancy and Jonathan are still looking at him funny, but at least they’re not likely to make him talk about this here.

“I know.” He cuts them off before they start. “We’re going to talk about it later.”

“You know Hopper and Mom have to know. We should probably tell Owens, too.” Jonathan says it so quietly that it’s unlikely even Munson overheard.

“But then I’m probably just going to be out of school for the rest of the year.” If nothing else, he wants to try and pass Mundy’s class. It’s been a while since he’s had a teacher who thought he could actually do well in their class. “And I don’t want that.” He’s pretty sure that Mundy had written him off before he’d started turning in the makeup work.

“It might be for the best.” Nancy says, before mulling over her next words. “Maybe—if you’re doing so well in that one class, you can still take the tests and do the college course next year, even if you miss the rest of the year.”

“Maybe.” But he doesn’t want to do that. If he actually finishes this year out, even if he doesn’t pass all of his classes, then he’ll be more prepared for next year. He can read ahead over the summer, or something. One of those things he’s never done before.

But even his English grade had improved when someone had read the assignment out loud to him, instead of him copying it from the board and trying to figure out what it meant.

If he can manage to figure out why that works, he can hopefully get into college, any college, and that will be one less thing his dad will be able to hold over him.

“I’ll be fine for the rest of the day.” He tells them. “And I’ll be fine tomorrow, too. I don’t want either of you to miss any more school for me.”

He’s not actually sure how much school they missed—he knows he was out over the holidays, and fuck, he doesn’t even remember the Christmas season, though he doesn’t know if the Byers’ celebrate Christmas or not—but however much it was, with the plans they have for their futures, it’s too much. He knows they both need their grades for scholarships in a way he never has—not as long as he picks a degree his parents approve of.

(He’s got more wriggle room with his mom, on that one. She might be able to talk his dad around, but worst case scenario, he goes to school for something he at least kind of likes, with Mom’s approval, and his dad makes snide comments about it for the rest of forever.)

They’ve pretty quiet for the rest of lunch, and while they didn’t talk a lot at lunch before everything, it’s weirder now.

It gets harder to swallow his food around the rock that’s gotten lodged in his throat; a basketball to the chest probably couldn’t get it unstuck.

Steve tries to ignore it, just as he’s trying to ignore the feeling that he’s ruined everything.

<- 27 29 ->

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 18, 1993 I have begun a very major project - typing up all my journals. It’ll take time, but it’ll be fun.

Andy may call any minute, but for now, I’ll write.

Tom and I made some changes around here and I got nearly half of my stuff here.

I saw Gloria on the Whoopie Goldberg show last night. She said two things I can really relate to. One is how she has premonitions. Two is how she never thought Emilio would want her as she always thought of him as this very mature guy even though he’s only 4 years older. That’s how I feel about Tom, but he’s 9 years older than me.

If I were brave enough, I’d be thrilled to marry Tom. There’s a part of me that says, go for it! There’ll never be another Tom. And you’re mature enough to take this chance and risk and he isn’t gonna change. The other part tells me all the things that could go wrong if I married him, including the fact that he could go bad, even though I don’t see or feel that happening now.

Well, right now I do know I do love him and he loves me. For both of us, it isn’t just sexual. I hope this continues and I’m also content to just imagine myself with women. I want to act on settling with a woman less and less. Why settle on lust with a woman once a year when there is a degree of lust with Tom and a hell of a personality, that’s one of a kind and totally non-replaceable?

I told him, though, that I can’t marry him and get myself into any legal traps with no easy escape routes. However, if in 5 years or so all continues to go well, who knows?

NOTE: The journal entries between August 18th and October 22nd were lost. Therefore, I’m going to fill in the gaps as best as I can.

It was during this time that I moved out of the Crystal Creek apartment complex and into Tom’s house that his brother moved out of. I moved into the house in early September.

A large Mormon family moved in next door, along with their dog. Their kids and dog got on my nerves at times during the day, what with the houses being so close. When they’d play basketball out front, it’d sound like they may as well have been bouncing the ball off the walls of our house. It could get pretty obnoxious!

This was around the time Tom and I had our worst fight which nearly caused us to break up. It was over Kim, her boyfriend Phil, and their deaf friend Alex from back east. They came to visit. I don’t remember how many days. I think it was for 2-3 days. Kim and Phil slept on a sofa bed in the back room, and Alex slept on the living room couch. Tom was working the third shift during this time and never got to meet any of them.

Throughout most of the daytime, we were out. We went to Sedona and did a variety of things. We shopped, we ate, we went horseback riding, etc. One day we hung out back by the pool.

What set Tom off was that according to him, he couldn’t sleep. I was surprised to hear this what with how heavy a sleeper he seemed to be.

“But you sleep through the kids screaming next door when they come out to play,” I pointed out.

Then he explained to me that the mind still works when you’re asleep, and because he knew the kids would be out and about, he could tune them out and sleep through their noise.

Well, if he could do that, why couldn’t he know I had company and tune them out, too? I think it was because he was jealous and felt left out.

MONDAY, AUGUST 16, 1993 I am so psyched cuz today I learned so much more on the computer. I can now type my own letters and print them out. It really is a lot of fun.

In other news, Tom and I began to rearrange stuff for me to move in. I won’t be completely moved in till right at the very end of this month, but we’ll be bringing stuff over here little by little.

Tom and I are continuing to get along just fine. Sexually, well, we’re getting there. He’s so incredibly sensitive for a guy and so much fun. That is both in and out of bed. We’re continuing to get to know each other in both areas. Sometimes I wish I was looking to be married and have a kid, cuz I believe he’d be a great husband and father.

I’ve decided to hang up the dancing for a little while as we’re putting together some ideas on the computer. Ideas to sell things. Like computer programs, address label makers and whatever we can think of. My edits, which are called sound bytes in computer language, may be able to be used for stuff like this. For verbal instructions, and that’d sure be different and creative. It may take us a few months to get things rolling, but I can still pay my way and have a bit of money left over for whatever.

It’s just so nice being here with Tom, and when he’s not here I’m always busy doing stuff. I hang out back a lot by the pool and it’s nice.

Getting the place in order will be quite a task, (he’s a slob and he has shit everywhere!) but it’ll be fun. We also work so well with each other. We don’t fight like me and Andy would do, cuz Andy and I are so much alike. We tease each other, though. I could never understand people when they said that people that are half alike get along better. Now I know what they mean.

Not much else is going on. I’ve learned other little things here and there, like which switch is for the EC (evaporative cooler) and which is the AC and the heater and how they work. I know how to turn the light on out back over the bench swing and in the pool.

Tom and I do a lot of foreplay and there are things that are different, yet good about him. Most guys like to always stick it in there, cum, and then that’s it. We can both do a lot of foreplay stuff that feels really good, but neither of us cum. Hell, I’ve cum about 6 times so far and he hasn’t. It was so funny how he explained how he is. He said, “I feel really good when we’re together, but if you expect a squirt every time, then you’re gonna be disappointed.”

How weird.

Being gay and so used to women, I didn’t know these things. I’ve had to learn a lot as men and women aren’t the same. Whereas with another woman, it’s different when she’s got the same parts.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 15, 1993 I am sitting outside right now with my feet in the pool. It is beautiful out right now.

I fell asleep at 7:00 this morning and I woke up briefly as Tom was leaving. He went to help his mother get a tape player. I fell back asleep and got up at 4:00. He’s not back yet. If he gets home early enough, Andy is gonna come over so they can meet.

Mary left a message telling me Gloria’s gonna be on channel 8:00 at 9:00.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 12, 1993 Work was really dead tonight. I sold a costume for $5 and barely made $15. There were 20 girls there, so Clarence let me and a few others go early.

This girl named Liz who looks a lot like Gloria says she’ll call me Sunday, but I doubt it.

Here are some of the dancer’s names that I can think of off the top of my head: Jessica, Sabrina, Katrina, Kay, Montana, Texas Tea, Cyprus, Rianon, Sammy, Jade, Starr, Maxxx, Candice, Jenny, Tyra, Katiana, Courtney, Brandy, Liz, Tia, Holly, and there are several more.

Because Tom left an hour before me, I took a cab in. I took one home too, at 10:30. The fare’s only $2. After I got in, I realized I did a dumb thing. I forgot ciggies, so I called Pat, the dispatcher at Fairway Taxi. She sent a guy over with a pack and I gave the guy $5.

Steve’s no longer driving. He’s working at some tattoo place now.

When I got home, I went swimming and Tom’s friend Geri called. She and Wendy are very jealous of me, from what I hear. Geri moved to South Dakota and asked if I’d hang up so she could leave a message. She left her number and said not to give it out. Like I’d want it.

Some guy at work gave me 3 scented silk roses which I stuck in the bathroom.

I typed 3 letters up also. Boy, do I love the computer. Wish I could do my journals that way, but I want to keep them all in books, not notebooks or loose pieces of paper.

Tom and I have fooled around 5 times or so now. I feel more and more safe and comfortable with him. We’ve experimented with different positions, besides him going down on me. I love getting my pussy licked and he’s good, too. He even managed to get the tip of his dick in me and he’s huge. Cuz of a woman’s intuition, I’m positive I can’t get pregnant. Even if he could cum inside a lot, I’m sure the DES and other things have me sterile. I’m sure I’d sense it if I could get pregnant. I also believe God knows I’m not destined to be a mother. Tom’s funny about that. He feels I’d be a good mom. Yeah, right. I wouldn’t know where to begin.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 11, 1993 Well, today’s Nervous’s birthday and he’s 53. I met him when he was 44. Or was he 45? It was definitely in the spring of 1987 when we met. The 12th is Fran’s 31st birthday and my asshole parent’s anniversary. It’s 40-something years for them, but who the fuck cares? They’ve really been playing on my nerves too damn much. I’m sick of hearing the same old shit and being asked the same damn questions I’ve already answered 10 million times. I’m tired of them constantly rehashing the past. I get bitched at for moving a lot which is my right as an adult. I didn’t know the city and its different locations as I do now. Then I constantly hear how I should’ve stayed at the VV where I can afford it. I’ve already told them over and over why I left and that I could very well afford to stay at Crystal Creek. I’m leaving there cuz I want to, not cuz I can’t afford it. So tough shit for them if they don’t listen or get anything I say. I don’t even want to bother with them and if Ma calls with her same old sad story, she can go to hell.

Andy was finally over here at the house and he didn’t hate it as much as I thought he would. He does agree, though, that this place needs some work.

I was showing him stuff on the computer cuz he applied for a job at the phone co. He took my electric typewriter to practice typing. I also gave him a copy of The Beat.

He was here for an hour, then took off. He has to get up at 5:30, the poor guy. He wants more and more to be a night person again.

Once I get moved in here, I’m really gonna whip my voice back into shape. Boy, does it need it. It’s shot.

I am playing edits now on his stereo as I discovered something pretty funny. He has a pitch control that speeds up or slows down the tape. It’s a riot.

So much for ever being tanned. That sunless tanning lotion caused me to break out in an obnoxious rash. It caused me to have an attack, too. Tom brought me to the ER, then I went to my regular doctor and he gave me an antibiotic.

A few days ago, I spoke to Fran for over an hour. He called me. We also got Andy on the line. We tried getting Nervo on the line, but he cussed us out and hung up. Last night I called Nervo and spoke to Crystal. Man, was she blitzed! Totally the type that Nervous would and could only get. She was weird but funny. She mentioned reading two of my letters and seeing the picture. She said it was beautiful and that she showed everyone. She said she was bi and her brother’s gay and on and on. She wanted me to come in for a visit. I just told her she could write to me and say whatever she wants. She also claims to be a dancer, but I don’t buy that.

Nervous, no doubt won’t be buying the letter I’m fixing to send him either, but that’s ok. I said that Tom and I are getting married and we’re having a baby. I’m telling Fran the same thing.

I never called Cynthia or Joanne, cuz right now I’m happy to just be with Tom and Tom only. I can’t believe how comfortable and happy I feel with this guy, but it’s great. I still never get bored with him or feel smothered. I don’t miss my space, but I still have plenty of that anyway when he’s at work like he is right now. Andy hasn’t met him yet, cuz he got here at 9:00 and Tom had to leave at 7:30. After Tom’s only gone 5 minutes, I miss him. I never thought I could share so much with another person. I never thought I could be with someone like Tom who’s only half like me. He says it’d be boring to have someone just like him.

Most of the time it’s me who initiates the sexual advances and stuff like that. Not that he doesn’t respond, but usually it’s the guy who starts stuff, so this is new to me and a bit strange. He says he doesn’t want to upset me, but I told him at this point he can do whatever he wants and that I’ll tell him if I’m not in the mood.

I know how to start the computer to type a letter, but next, I have to learn how to print it out. I’ve got the basic idea of how to do it, but I still need Tom to guide me through the steps. After I copy from the screen, I know how to delete what I typed. I know how to change the size of the print, too.

I put some of my knickknacks around the house, along with 50 little notes for Tom.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 8, 1993 I gave my 30-day notice to move last week. I am really looking forward to it, and each time I hang out with Tom the surer I am that things will work out. I’m so fucking sick of apartments, and the people next door are so unpredictable. Sometimes they’re quiet and other times they won’t shut up. If it isn’t their music, it’s their company going in and out and bopping all around. They’re cool about it when I bitch at them, but I get sick of constantly having to remind them to shut up. It’ll be great not to have to deal with the parking lot noise and there won’t be as much noise from kids. The people next door to the house have kids and dogs, but you don’t hear the kids as much as at the apartments

When I was in the office the other day, Dan mentioned seeing my picture in The Beat. Keri did show him, I guess. I gave her the number over here, but who knows if we’ll ever get together? We’ll see.

K.D. Lang gave me Joanne’s number and she gave her mine. She called me once and she sounded ok, but who knows when and if we’ll get together either? It’ll be a matter of timing, cuz she’s a day person. She was once married and has an 11-year-old son. She says she’s gay and totally feminine.

At work, there was this half-and-half that liked me and I gave her my number. I sort of hope she does not call, cuz she seemed weird. Why I gave her my number beats me, so depending on how the conversation goes if she calls, I may play with her head.

Work’s still ok and now I’m really glad the Candy Store and Favors didn’t work out. There are two girls there that I knew before from other clubs. Also, Jade’s there who I knew from the Mile High. She left for the same reasons I did. All the girls there seem really cool so far.

I still haven’t dropped the bomb on my parents yet about Tom and I and about my moving in here. However, the new address and phone number are on their anniversary card. I began a letter to them which I’ll finish soon. Tammy and Andy know what’s going on.

Andy thinks it’s wrong and that I’m copping out as far as women go. There’s nothing to cop out of. If I could get women, I’d be with them. I just told Andy to bear in mind that if I met a woman and we were both turned on by each other, I’d go for it. Tom’s no substitute or an all-out settlement either, otherwise I’d continue to be alone. Whatever happens tomorrow, happens. Right now (today) I’m happy and that’s all that really matters.

Tom didn’t hesitate to tell me on his own that he too, believes I’ll always be gay and for me to not pass up other opportunities. I wouldn’t. He said that even though I think it’s impossible to get the so-called ultimate, he’d rather let me go and be hurt so I’d be happy. That’s sweet of him and it takes a hell of a person to say that, but right now I’m happy here with him.

Ok, I just had half a cigarette. How the hell am I ever gonna get off these damn things? My lungs are shitty according to the x-rays at the doctor’s. Tom said he’ll check to see what’s currently available for quitting smoking. The things I’ve tried didn’t get me very far.

I’ve sent several letters that I’ve done on the computer. I’ve been having a field day with this thing.

I spoke to Dad a few days ago and he and Ma were in an ok mood. Ma yelled from another room to say hi to me. I asked if he got the Beat picture and he said yes and that it was different.

Maybe Tammy mentioned Tom to them, cuz I said my expenses were about to be cut from $1,000 a month to $300 and got no questions asked. I said there were to be major changes coming up, but that I’ll explain in a letter.

Not much else is going on. Andy and I still have to get together when the timing’s right.

I still have to go to Montgomery/Ward.

Within two weeks, the pool table will be out of here (it’s his brother’s), so I can start moving things in. I’m ready when he is.

I still want to see a dentist and I need my hair trimmed.

We’re gonna get a portable dishwasher, cuz it’ll be some time before the kitchen’s remodeled. Both of us want different things now that we’ll have extra money.

I sent Tam a birthday card with a $30 check.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 3, 1993 I have so much amazing stuff to write about that’s almost impossible to believe.

Just when I thought that moving to Phoenix, becoming a dancer and being topless in a G-string in a citywide magazine was shocking, wait till I update the latest news. Two major, and I mean major, things that I never thought could or would happen. One is that I’m not only falling in love with Tom, but I’m also gonna be moving in here at his house on September 1st. We’ve had oral sex and I don’t regret it at all. Never ever could I hang out with someone for days, let alone hours and feel so comfortable. I never get bored or feel smothered. Our feelings are also mutual. I thank God so much, just like with the dancing. I see him like I see the dancing. It’s not my dream of being a singer, but it’s not housekeeping or something I hate. Yes, I’m gay and the bottom line doesn’t change as to who and what I am and what I want. Just like if a black person painted their skin white, they’re still black. He’s an acceptable settlement but isn’t a settlement. He has a million great qualities that are hard to really describe, but one where you just know in your heart that it’s a good one and a right one. There have been several people who’ve had qualities in them that I’ve realized were right for me, regardless of what they thought of me, but he has more than all these people put together. I guess I can say that we’re mostly in a relationship. I never thought you could spend so much time with someone you’ve slept with but we’re doing it. I always thought you had to be 100% alike, too. We’re 50/50 and Tom described us perfectly. He said I bring a little wildness into his life while he brings calmness into mine. He’s incredibly sensitive and gentle for a guy. He’s never tried to force me into anything personally or sexually. He understands that I’m too small to be penetrated and he’s huge. Definitely bigger than most guys. Like 8”. He’s very smart with lots of different skills. He even plays instruments. He listens and remembers things I say and doesn’t try to change me. I can totally be myself. He’s very open-minded and I could go on and on forever with wonderful things about him. I am very lucky. I think that if Tammy knew him like I do, she’d rather him over Bill. Lookswise he’s her type. He’s 36 even though he looks 41 and is 5’ 10”, 210 pounds. I can’t say there’s no lust at all, cuz there is. He has gorgeous eyes. I just met his friend Wendy and he’s better looking than she is. And yes, I mean it and that’s coming from a gay woman.

It’s hard to believe Wendy was once a dancer, but she was. They work together at American Express and she’s on break, so she oughta be leaving soon.

I really see Tom and I being close forever and us always getting along. If not, oh well. I don’t believe he’ll turn out to be a Scott M. No fucking way! He’s always trying to make sure I’m comfortable and he said that I could always move out if I didn’t like living here. I know he’d never put up a fight with me if I decided to move out. Yes, it’s fast, but I’m not going crazy, so it must really feel right and be mutual as it is. There are a lot of benefits to us living together which I’ll get into another time.

Tammy knows what’s going on between us but our parents don’t. They’ll surely shit their pants, but I couldn’t care less as I’m 27 years old. They’ll get over it, but it’ll hit Ma harder than it’ll hit Dad. I’ll expand more on the subject another time. I just wanted to put a dent in the major stuff, since I haven’t had time to write too much.

Later…

Boy, do I still have lots and lots of updating. I’m moving in here on Sep 1st. Tammy, Tom and I spoke yesterday and Tammy hopes it’ll work out. She did tell Tom, though, that she’ll shoot him from CT if he fucks me over. I’m thankful she’s a concerned protective sister, but I wish she knew Tom like I do. She’d be amazed and much more relieved. I understand that it’ll take both Tammy and Andy time to see if things will work out, but if they don’t, there’s money set aside so I can go back out on my own if I need to or want to. My parents will shit, but that’s their problem. I’m not even gonna offer too much explanation for a while, just give them my address and phone number. I’ll be giving Tom $300 a month and that’ll cover rent, utilities, food, and most stuff. Long-distance calls I’ll pay for, cuz you know me and the phone. The phone will remain in his name, but the stuff I have will be added to the line. He only has a basic line, but we’ll add 3-way, call waiting, voice messaging, and Caller ID.

There’s a long room in the back of the house where his brother’s pool table is. That’ll be gone soon and all the computers will be moved in there. Right now they’re in the master bedroom which will be mine. Tom says that’ll be considered my domain and going there will be like visiting me at my own place. I told him, though, that he’s welcome to go in and use anything he may need if I’m not around, but just to tell me. He said that’d be fine. Also, I can sleep wherever I feel comfortable. His bed or mine, but I can’t sleep with him on nights I have to work, cuz I’m such a light sleeper. Whenever he moves or snores, I wake up.

The good thing about it is that he understands and wants me to feel comfortable and happy. He wouldn’t pressure me either way. I know there have been others who I’ve thought would never turn bad on me, but for some reason, this feels different. If things did go bad, then that’s just life. I’d deal with it and move out and on with my life. We’ll stick my bed in my room along with my stereo, TV, clothes and personal stuff like my journals and jewelry and stuff like that.

He should be back from Jack-n-the-Box any minute, thank God. I’m starving! Our living together will also help us financially. Both of us will have extra spending money. I’d really like a dresser or two for underwear, shorts and small stuff like that like I had back east.

I just took a break to go eat and I sure feel better now.

Anyway, as I was saying, my couch will probably go in that long back room, but most of my furniture like my plastic stackable shelves will go in my room. It’s a good size room, too, bigger than the master bedroom in my apartment Wall decorations and knickknacks will go all over the place, cuz Tom says he doesn’t mind. This place needs color added to it. Little by little I’ll bring it to life and we’ll get stuff. Stuff like a portable dishwasher till the kitchen’s remodeled, and eventually I still want that binding system so I can do all my journal stuff on the computer.

Tom just read what I’ve updated so far and now he’s playing the keyboard. He’s pretty good, but man am I rusty! It’s a nice keyboard with keys that are the perfect size for me, but too small for him. That’s about all there is to say right now as far as Tom and I and the move are concerned, except that Bob, Kim, Fran and Nervous will no doubt think I’m kidding at first.

Work at the Excalibur is going great and I think it’s the best club of all the ones I’ve worked at. The girls there are cool and the money’s great. Especially on weekends. I’ve gotten some nice new costumes, too. I’ll surely have extra money for it.

All I’ll have to worry about is paying Sprint and the rent. US West and APS are gonna owe me. I know for sure that my deposit to APS was $150 and I think it was the same for US West and my rent deposit. My US West bill was $62, so they’ll take that out of my deposit. APS will take whatever my last bill is out of the $150. So financially things will be easier than ever.

I’m only working the weekends and Wednesdays, but that’s plenty with my living here. It’ll be great not to have to worry about cab fare as much and even if Tom’s not around it still won’t be nearly as much to get to work. Wednesdays there are only so-so anyway, but weekends are great.

And now for the funniest news of all. I think I mentioned before how Andy and I made a call to Andrea where she works and I taped it. It was quite funny. Andy called Stacey which was funny too, but I didn’t talk. I’ve begun editing them, but anyway, there was a knock on my door the next morning around 11:00. I didn’t answer it, cuz I had no idea who the hell it was and it had just woken me up. The same knock came around 7:00 that evening, but I was too busy watching TV to care enough to open the door.

Later, as I was on my way out, the guys next door said it was a sheriff. Oh, shit! was all I could think. I had a feeling right away that it was tied to Andi. Especially by the way she sounded over the phone. So Tom was with me when the constable came to serve me the papers. It was a hearing to try to get an injunction against me which is the same as a restraining order. A paper saying I can’t contact her in any way. I was afraid I’d be in big trouble and have to go to trial, but Tom said not to worry. Well, he was right, but I’ll get to that.

We went to court on July 30th, and guess who was with Andi? Sweet little old Stacey. I thought she might come along for the ride, but figured it wasn’t really her place to as the beef was with Andi and I. However, I did send her a letter from Bob to Kim and she hates me and would do anything to see me in hot water. Leave it to her and Andi to team up against me. But if it were me who had a problem with someone, whether or not they lived there she’d say, “Sorry Jodi, but I can’t help you or get involved. It’s a matter between you and whoever.”

Anyway, they were 100% sure they’d fry my ass in court and they looked so confident. We waited almost an hour and I kept wanting to leave, but finally, we went into a courtroom with a judge (male), the stenography lady, Andi, Stacey, Tom and myself. From there it was great. The judge kept asking her how she was sure it was me harassing her. How he saw no sufficient evidence. How even if he thought I was guilty, the case was still a joke. Andi had all my letters and magazine subscriptions. Her tax thing, too. I simply said I knew nothing about it, didn’t know her last name or where she worked till I got the papers served.

I brought in the Scott-related letter and showed it to the judge, saying I felt she sent it to me (another small favor from Scott).

They both also lied through their teeth. Andi said I was calling her at home yet I don’t even know the number cuz she changed it. She said I tried getting credit in her name with her SS number which I never had to begin with.

Stacey lied about shit I never did at the VV and other little things here and there. I could’ve laid Stacey’s ass big time for not only refusing packages in other people’s names but for giving Andi information illegally about me. Like where I used to work and other shit she pulled while I lived there. So they both lied and brought up shit that had no bearing on the case, but they tried really hard with everything and anything. But despite their efforts, the judge ruled in my favor that there was no way an injunction was gonna be filed against me.

You never saw such a look of embarrassment and humiliation and frustration as I saw on both their faces! What a slap in the face and a blow to the head and their egos to lose a case against me! I think they’d rather have their clothes fall off in public! How shaming it must’ve been for Stacey to go back and tell everyone she lost, but a thought just hit me. I don’t think she could do that, so knowing her she lied and said I lost. I’m sure she told just about everyone there, too. It’s just so fucking funny and Andy was cracking up when I told him. He says he’d love to call her up and laugh at her, even though he won’t. Me too.

[meisha-of-arc]

October 16, 2022

I want to die and live at the same time, or maybe I just want my thoughts to get quiet? I tried killing myself several times but everytime I do it, I just breakdown, and cry. Life is so cruel, if this is just a lesson then why am I still in pain? Why am I still hurt?

They say, "Time heals" so I waited for years and years, 'till it's more than a decade yet I'm still stuck in the past. I can't accept it, I can't move on, I can't let that little me suffer alone. Some people may say "Just move on, if you can't accept it then how will you move forward?" Simply, because I can't. It's hard to accept something specially if you didn't even received an apology, or even your own justice.

It's suffocating, I'm drowning from sorrowness, It's getting worse everyday, I don't have anyone or someone to be there with me. I have a lot of loving friends and I'm grateful to have them in my life, but I still feel alone. I know they already got their own problems to deal with, I don't want to make them feel like they are obligated to make me better, or to help me become better. I just hope I can do this alone, and someday.. I hope I get an enough courage to just kill myself. I'm tired, everyday that I wake up I'm not grateful or happy, I'm just disappointed because that just means another day to feel like the most shittiest person in the world, another day of remembering my trauma, and another day full of disappointments. I hope tomorrow I don't wake up, I just want to sleep and stay in my dreams. Because, I can no longer take this anymore, my heart and mind is going to explode they are both in pain, I can't explain it but it's so heavy. Too heavy that it feels like it's going to burst out.

It's too heavy, that I'm starting to have hallucinations.. sometimes I see myself running towards the truck just to kill myself or jumping off the building and hanging myself, that's how desperate I am to just kill myself.. however I couldn't do it, there's something stopping me.. I wish it won't stop me anymore the next time I do it.

March 4, 2024

I'm grateful for today. I don't wish to die anymore, I'm starting to love life. I'M. FALLING. IN. LOVE. WITH. LIFE. Big changes, almost 2 years ago I thought I wouldn't be able to make it I was really in the dark at that time, but look at me now. I can't help but to feel proud of myself, I am so glad that I managed to pick myself up, to tell myself that this isn't the life that I wanted, that I prove to my younger versions of myself that I am so much stronger than the thoughts inside me.

I no longer feel alone. I no longer feel like when I wake up it's going to be the worst day ever. I'm no longer surviving. I'm. Actually. Living. Life!!! Although my friends don't know it, I love how they somehow healed my heart & soul. The little things they did for me, the way they joke around with me, the way we always got each other's back when one of us is crying, the selecta ice cream we always buy when things go south, me and my girl friends telling each other that we're pretty, the way we hype each other in the comfort room while we do our own girly stuffs thing. I also appreciate my parents who are always mad and screaming around the house but made sure that me and my brother are having the best life they could ever give, my mom who sacrificed a lot emotionally, physically, and mentally, I know how much it's hurting her sometimes and yet she's still trying her best to be the mom we need. My mom who was always there for me. To my dad— thank you for not pressuring me in acads, thank you for always spoiling me the things that I want and need, thank you for the 7/11 sisig whenever, I'm still studying and it's past midnight.. thank you for being the best dad I could ever have. All the small things that they think did are what matters to me the most— because, it's what made me feel like I am a human being who is just trying to learn how to live this life, it's what made me feel like I'm actually living and being loved by the people who surrounds me. I failed to see these people around me 2 years ago, but not anymore. So, this message I made is also for those who helped and developed my character along the way, to those people who came and left me with a greatest lesson in life, to those people who saw and knew all the past versions of myself and still stayed, to those people who have loved me for who I am, and to my wise Auntie Joanna who opened my eyes and made me realize a lot of things in life. Please, know that I am truly grateful that I met and had the chance to live this life knowing that you have come into my life. I will always carry our shared memories & lessons that I have learned along the way. So that the next time I feel a wave of sadness I will remember how I had you in my life, that you were once and still in it (forever engraved in my heart, soul & in my mind). How you changed me into a better person, this time I'll know how to handle it.

So to anyone struggling in life like me 2 years ago, I'm telling you it does gets better but you have to help yourself, you have to beat that thoughts inside your head, you have to believe in yourself, and I know it's not going to be easy but, you'll get there. Enjoy your time, enjoy your life. Don't waste it overthinking on things that are not happening yet, don't waste your tears on some dude who didn't text you back, don't waste your time stressing on things you can't control, you have to seize the day. LIVE. AND. LOVE. LIFE. Perhaps, 2 years from now, 3 years from now or even 5 years from now.. you'll look back and realize that you're the strongest person you know, because you managed to get out. You managed to overcome that fear, that thoughts inside you that are eating you or whatever it is that is holding you back from enjoying life. I. KNOW. YOU. CAN. AND. YOU. WILL. OVERCOME. IT. I may not know who you are, well maybe I do. Please know that I have a faith in you.

Be the main character of your life because, life does not wait for you to be okay and you can't wait for life to get better before, you decide to be happy.

[pizza-aesthetic]

Can I say something?

It’s okay to miss them. It’s okay to acknowledge that they hurt you or abused you, and still end up missing them.

I know for me I thought, well at some point it’ll stop. At some point it won’t hurt so much and I won’t miss him anymore. I thought maybe it would be that 7 year point people talk about, where all the cells have regenerated and he hasn’t touched a single one of them.

It’s been over 7 years now. And I still miss him. And I still love him. And it still hurts, but thankfully not as much. It makes me feel guilty sometimes. How can I love my current boyfriend if I still love him? And then I have to remind myself, my love for him does not take away from my love for anybody else. There’s not a cap on that shit.

If I could stop loving him I would. If I had control over that, I would turn it off so fast. But I can’t. I guess first loves just do that to you? I don’t think it’s truly a universal thing, but I think it’s common enough that people know what I’m talking about.

As the years go by, you stop talking about it. Or after years of not talking about it, you finally feel comfortable enough to. For years I was so focused on the anger and the sadness and the pain. I kept letting it define me. That pain became my entire personality. It makes sense. In my specific situation, we’d been best friends since childhood. I had genuinely built myself around him. So when he left, I broke. And not knowing what else to do with myself, I built myself again around the pain he caused. If I wasn’t the girl he loved, I had to be the girl he broke. I still let him define me, and that anger fueled me.

Eventually though, that anger subsided, and I could actually remember the good times again. I could remember the late night drives and our first kiss without seeing red. And I think that’s what freed me from still being “his”.

I never believed in that forgiveness bullshit (can you tell I’m a Scorpio?) and I never thought I could forgive him. But I did. And I’m not saying this is like a universal thing. There are people who hurt me way more that I’ll never forgive, and forgiveness is absolutely not a requirement for healing. But with him, it helped. It took 6 goddamn years for my anger to settle down, and once it did I could see everything for what it was.

We were kids. We were each other’s firsts. We were naive and dumb. And I was sick. I always said our real downfall was he got better and I didn’t. I wasn’t receiving any treatment, and I had no idea the severity of what I was going through. I didn’t know I was hallucinating. I didn’t know the delusions weren’t true. And that’s a lot to deal with. And it’s also a lot to deal with as a boyfriend, who also has no idea what is going on. Who’s seen me through the years get worse and worse. And we were 16.

At this point, I wish I could thank him. Him leaving broke me, yes, and I do mean that literally. It almost killed me. But that happening is what made me snap, and everyone realized what was going on. I got started on antipsychotics, and I remember the first time I heard true silence. I cried as my roomie held me in the hospital, and they were happy tears. It was so overwhelming to hear absolutely nothing. And I don’t think that would’ve happened for a long time if he’d stuck around.

I want to tell him I forgive him. I want to tell him I miss him. But like I said, it’s been over 7 years. And although I don’t hate him anymore, I don’t want him back in my life. Trying to contact him would be a mistake.

I hope he knows that I understand now. I hope he knows I don’t blame him. I know it hurt him, too, and I’m actually proud of him for leaving knowing that I never would. I hope he knows.

[blanketmoss]

Ok everyone get ready for angsty teenage talk time here we go (ok coming back to this it got really long and upsetting I’m hiding it under a cut but I’m still posting it because it helps for some reason)

I got into a massive argument with my stepdad, it wasn’t really an argument he was just following me around screaming at me while I was crying (because loud and also grown man yelling at me)

Like it was bad to the point where my mum had to stand between us, and two other adults who heard about it were shocked at how far he went with screaming

This all started because I asked him to please not put my switch on the arm of the sofa if he knew it was going to fall off and kept telling me not to do that (I just thought it was strange that he would do something he knew could damage it and was so strict with me about)

But uh yeah apparently it was a buildup of months of stress and other stuff unrelated to me but still. I’m guessing you shouldn’t take it out on a 16 year old when you’re nearly 50

I HATE that he follows me while screaming too it’s so overwhelming and I end up biting myself and screaming and hitting my head into walls and stuff

I feel like anything that comes out of my mouth is misinterpreted by him because he’s expecting me to be a stereotypical sitcom teenager that constantly berates people

Also like once or twice a year (more when I was 13-14) something like this happens and me and my mum have the ‘would you be happier if I divorced him’ talk and I always say not to because I don’t want to ruin our lives and change everything over an argument

I feel like I can’t say anything around him because he ends up thinking I’m trying to put him in the wrong or tell him off or I’m ‘being cheeky’ or something

Fffuck I hate being autistic I wish it was just me and other autistic people and my mum my mum is the only one who gets close to understanding, she tries to work with me not against me and I love her so much. I know he would never hurt me and especially not her but when they argue I get worried he could get mad enough to do something stupid and take her away from me forever

Sometimes I want to hurt my stepdad because it feels like he tolerates me to be with my mum and other times I love him and see him as a father figure it’s so complicated

Like I love him as a dad but he’s also a big reason why 13 year old me almost made myself not exist anymore

Human relationships are so complex I wish I was an insect in a zoo I could just eat and exist

I feel like I was born on the wrong planet or something I love earth so much but the humans on it are so awful to me sometimes because something about me is off and they can tell, and the only tolerable humans tell me they feel like they’re from other planets too

I feel like an alien trying to find other aliens to stay sane while stranded on a foreign planet with inhabitants that consider me vermin

[paganmoonbaby]

It’s sunday! Because it’s the day of the sun I like to take some time to make myself feel good about myself and release the negative energies and thoughts of the week to go into the next.

I took a bath with lavender to relax and a bunch of white candles to purify and cleanse me and the area. Now I’m sitting here with an amazing cup of tea, some foot masks and smoking.

TW DRUG ABUSE AND MENTAL ILLNESS

Usually it’s not so extravagant on sundays, I usually just clean a little bit to make myself feel accomplished, maybe take a longer shower and whiten my teeth or something like that. But I’ve been really struggling this week with my selfesteem and anxiety about dropping out of school (for the second time) even though logically I know it’s not a big deal and that it is the right, responsible choice to make.

Getting out of rehab is fucking awful if I’m being honest. I miss the staff and the people there so much it hurts deep down in my soul. Sometimes I sit up at night, looking at the stars keeping the sky and the moon company, almost grieving having to leave these people that I considered my other family. Sometimes I wish to the stars, I never get a response. Sometimes it feels like my heart is trying to dig itself out my chest to fall down on the floor in front of me and scream.

I just want to get back to normal, to become that good student with straight As, that responsible kid who moved out of home at 16, worked multiple jobs and took care of a bunch of animals. And I keep failing, I keep fucking it up again and again and this week I’ve been feeling like a good for nothing, messy loser who keeping making big holes in the image that my parents and people have of me and it’s making me go insane.

I was a shitty daughter who made my amazing parents go through hell dealing with me having psychotic episodes, going in and out of hospitals and making them go through sitting at the emergency room wondering if their at the time 18 y/o daughter is going to die. I didn’t even think about it at the time, I just didn’t want it to hurt any more. I tried my entire life trying to explain, communicate and tell people about this agonizing pain, this feeling I felt deep in my body. and when I realized that this was something unexplainable, something that couldn’t be talked about and that this feeling I felt in my bones only could be experienced in these bones, it was the end in that moment. I hurt my parent deeply, i put them through hell and I kept doing it. And yes I’m clean and I’ve been doing better, but dropping out again kicked me back and I once again let down myself and everyone around me.

So in conclusion, I’ve been struggling.

“ what if I slept a little more and forgot about all of this nonsense”

- Franz Kafka

Hope you guys have a great Sunday and a good start on the next week