#but right now I’m so goddamn tired
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This game acknowledging Geets’ SSJ > Goku’s SSJ3
#YOURE GODDAMN RIGHT#You were correct to us the Magical Girl Camera Spin he deserves djsjsj#sketchesplayskakarot#dbtag#silly hours#Now let me add him to my party I’m so tired of not spamming big bang attack fjsjdjaks
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I’m allowed one (1) vent of the colossal amounts of pressure my body and mind are under per month and i usually do my best to bury it in the early hours of the morning, so now that i’ve provided this valuable and important context:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#my stuff#i need to be beaten to death i need to be eaten alive i need to be slashed and stabbed and burned to ash#nothing i do will ever EVER be enough to make up for the existential guilt that gnaws at my soul#i’m hungry i’m tired i’m stressed about work and the safety and well-being of my family and friends#i miss my goddamn ex over a year after the end of a 6 month relationship like a pathetic wretch#i will never be pretty the way i wanted to be as a child and can only make myself enough of a freak that i don’t care#i want to be brutally harmed so the flesh of my body will show a fraction of the damage i feel inside#these wounds do not heal no matter how much i try to treat them with friendship and food and music and life#it is all insufficient. i was not supposed to live this long.#i try every day to be kind and to make the world a better place so that maybe just maybe i can say i earned the right to live that day#it never feels like enough. it probly never will#i’m so angry i’m so sad i feel incurable lonely no matter how much time i spend with friends#as soon as the call is over or i head home the darkness washes right back in and i feel like an abandoned cat on the roadside again#i want everything to be okay. It’s not right now#i want everyone i love to be warm to be safe to have enough to eat but I AM NOT GOD#i can’t fix everything no matter how much it makes me writhe inside#i’m a broke fucking grad student with a useless fucking project and they should bury me alive in the field research camp#perhaps a vegetable would cause less despair
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OCD will literally remove your brain's ability to register when a task is Complete and then create 10,000 incredibly ridiculous and extremely specific rules for you to follow in every single aspect of your life (to keep you safe, of course, it tells you.) and then tells you that if you don’t do them Correctly and Completely every single time it tells you to (it tells you countless times per day) then the Entire Fucking World Will End and then it’ll do this fucked up thing where it makes you believe that nonsense.
and then people that don’t have it will make silly little jokes about being soooooo OCD and make t-shirts with fun little acronyms on them like Obsessive Coffee Disorder and tell you how much they like it when things are organized and clean, too!!
and then you’re supposed to just. laugh. like you haven’t been robbed of your entire being and potential and been taken over by a mind and life altering disability
#PSA: don’t fucking tell me to Seek Therapy or Try Medication. i am Aware. i have Tried. it isn’t that fucking simple#and this is my blog. i’ll complain about my illnesses all i want to. if you don’t like it i strongly encourage you to unfollow me#ocd#actually ocd#cw ocd#cw mental illness#mental health stuff#Seven.txt#Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is actually SO goddamn insidious. and only ppl that have lived with it will understand that#it’s a terrible terrible thing. to have something ruin your entire life under the guise of keeping you safe#it’s like being abused by your own mind and i don’t say that lightly#okay. stopped crying long enough to get this post out of my brain and onto my blog#gonna put Walking Disaster on loop and return to my Mental Illness Floor Time now#if no one hears from me for a little while it’s not personal i just. need to not be a Person right now. i’m so tired
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I’ve been watching the OA which I know now is just fucked up enough to maybe not be a great idea when you’re already feeling mentally unsteady but I’ve just finished part one and dear god why don’t people talk about this more it’s so complex and the world building leading up to puzzle pieces matching up it’s heart breaking and it’s breath taking and I am so fascinated by it and the many many questions it leaves me with
#the oa#it’s nearly two am and I’m dog tired and I’m scared and I’m sad about a lot of things going on right now#but I really like the idea that maybe if you have the will and some information your whole reality can change everything can shift#maybe to a dimension where things are better more peaceful where you feel safe and comfortable and happy#also i looked up the purple thing because it is so goddamn overt and i tried to avoid any spoilers but it looks like that never gets touched#on like what they made it hit you over the head with purple imagery and then not let you know what they meant by it#please feel free to gush over the oa with me because I’m shocked I don’t see more people talk about it
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bad stuff in my brain tonite dudes. not a fan
#kit talks#just so much worry#worry over my nephew and worry over my sister who’s having a godawful month#guilt and shame from how messy my house is and how i’m never going to get around to cleaning it up#like i can’t even start. there’s just so much clutter and i have no idea how to deal with it#i’m too goddamn tired to deal with anything#then i feel guilty bc like i said my sisters life kinda sucks right now and me feeling guilty for also being in a bad spot doesn’t help—#anyone but the guilt is still there#going to a theme park w friends this weekend and i feel Guilty for spending money and Guilty for not using the time to fix my life#and Guilty for not like. doing what my sister did for me and using the time + money to do stuff with the kids#and yes. i know those things are batshit insane. but they won’t go away#and i go back to work tomorrow after being off since friday and GOD i do not want to#my friend has covered for me (and from the sounds of it she’s been fantastic) but there’s still gonna be 100 emails and all the teams msgs#and having doctors whine about how ‘everything burns down when you’re not here!!!!!!!’#and i’m just already tired. i don’t want to deal with any of this#anyway. that’s that. so i guess i need to try and make myself sleep so at least i’ll just be normal tired tmrrw n not sleep deprived tired
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I had a very tiresome day and I’m totally worn out but I saw a lot of good Palestine posts that I’ll try to reblog soon and in the meantime, everyone who sees this should go look at the free Palestine tag (and participate in the global strike, do whatever you can to get governments’ attention and force them to stop killing people).
#my post#personal#the tags are just me talking about myself so you should go read the free Palestine tag instead lol#I had to go to the dentist urgently for pain and it was very stressful but at least it’s over now#hopefully I won’t get covid 😅#I did have energy to call my reps and I’m probably gonna try to do that every day this week#I always do it at least once a week now but maybe if I’m annoying enough they’ll pay attention?#you’d think being a good person and standing up for human rights would be motivation enough but alas#and I’m not buying anything of course#I don’t have a job or school to strike from#I wanna organize events but I am so goddamn tired all the time#especially tonight#I’m about to go to sleep and it’s not yet 9 pm (for context I often stay up until like 5 am)
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Day three of holding everyone’s laundry hostage until my father takes a shower.
The last of my father’s beloved white socks have fallen to the filth. There is little hope, and even less in terms of rest. The battle is ongoing, and it feels often that I am fighting alone. Morale is low; my ally in this conflict, mother, is injured. I long for the days when I can rest. When this war will cease, and all will be clean again. The dishes done, the people bathed, the laundry washed and folded. Alas. We know the struggle will never end.
I am Sisyphus, and my father’s horrid stench and apathy are forever my boulder.
My father is a war profiteer, and I am a hapless young recruit greeting a doomed mission.
Last shower date: December 25th, 2023
#collective tag#it spoke#i’m venting#but like… only half serious#god I am so so so so tired.#I’m so pissed man#at just. everything#this house is falling apart around me and It’s like I can’t do anything#I have begged and begged and begged this fucking man to take a goddamn shower.#I cry about this#because he just doesn’t fucking care#I CANT DO EVERYTHING!!!!!#NOT FOREVER#huge ass ants everywhere? sure. fuck it. why not#piles and piles of laundry? okay. I can do that.#not paying the mortgage until our shit gets shut down and mom and I yell at you?#cooking halfassed meals that are only barely tolerable to you and inedible to everyone else#and then complaining when we don’t eat them despite how much we’ve all told you?#and leaving the whole kitchen to rot?#PISSING YOURSELF REPEATEDLY AND NOT CHANGING YOUR PANTS BECAUSE YOU DONT FEEL LIKE IT AND NEVER SHOWERING FOR MONTHS ON END?#I’m just… words cannot describe how tired I am right now.#mom has a broken foot too so I also have to take care of her even more than normal#how did baby me handle this all the time on top of school?#‘yeah sure i can take care of two fucked up angry disabled adults on top of my crippling childhood trauma and schoolwork!’#—>#‘I swear to fucking god I will telepathically make my heart stop beating by sheer force of fucking will if I hear you call for me again’#deepest apologies to any poor soul that reads this#i really just needed to cry and scream and cry harder again until I throw up#and maybe a hug
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to knowis to be loved and to be known is to b eloved. I want transgender friends who will know me and love me in a way that cis people usually do not
#getting floored by transgendered feelings tonight. I went full femme last night in a way that I haven’t in a long time and it really made#it clear that what I enjoy about looking feminine is the ATTENTION. PEOPLE PAY SO MUCH GODDAMN ATTENTION TO PRETTY WOMEN#I will fully admit that I love getting positive attention for my looks irl. Like I’m not really pretty unless I#put a lot of effort into makeup and clothes so getting compliments on my clothes/appearance is like crack cocaine#which is not healthy. I don’t WANT to care about what I look like#but tbh one of the reasons I enjoyed cosplaying so much is that I got all that attentiob without the requisite feminity. Hahaha hhhhhhh#Last night as I was putting myself together for the charity dinner I felt like I was dressing up a doll. FULL out-of-body barbie vibes#I’m so disconnected from feminine feelings right now. But at the same time I had so much fun being pretty and getting compliments#idk. I don’t even know how to feel. I’m so goddamned tired of all this#if I could beam a perfect understanding of gender fluidity into the brains of everyone I meet I would have come out YEARS ago#I just don’t want to be alienated any more than I already am from the people around me#living in the us south means suffering alone in transness I guess.#I don’t want to be the first genderfluid/nonbinary person EVERYONE has ever met. I don’r want to have to justify my existence#but this cannot go on. but I’m afraid of T. I don’t want to go bald 😭#and I still want to wear dresses from time to time#maybe the solution is becoming a lolita lifestyler. dress myself up as a doll every day for the fucking compliments#leave no room for dissatisfaction with feminity. FUCK#I NEED A GENDER THERAPIST WORSE THAN ANYTHING#BUT IT’S THE SOUTH AND THE NEAREST ONE TO ME IS OVER AN HOUR AWAY#AND she’s out of network. FUCK#anyway I watched an episode of the new f*llout show and it was pretty good 😊#AND I’m playing st*rdew valley again on the new update and the update IS SO FUN#<-lil media update to lighten up this post.#this post was typed up not from a place of despair but from a place filled with the same emotions that a dog chasingits owntail experiences#I’m doing well enough mentally that I can deal with my transgender feelings again yknow. maslows heirarchy of needs with m#with transgender feelings at the top#weekend whining
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yeah I have more to say
#I think priest was right when he said I wanted a lot and it’s more than I can have bc I’ve taken more than I can handle#I’ve been trying to say yes to things which is all well and good but I’ve been out every night this week between hockey and friends#this week has lasted six months#and at the same time Tuesday was a few hours ago#and at all times there is so much I’m not doing.#as always it’s partially an issue of wasted time bc ive been getting up late and struggling to work in my room#but I also still haven’t recovered from the cold mentally or physically and it put me so behind#which was now two weeks ago god#somehow only two weeks#.but also two fucking weeks that’s so long#and I’m still trying to be gentle w myself but that doesn’t work but i also know I’m being too harsh on myself all the time#I don’t know what to do with any of this#I think temporarily I might stop Doing Things and just have time for me to get myself back together and slow down a bit bc it’s way too much#I think I’m just really horribly overwhelmed by everything and it’s built up to a breaking point#so this weekend I’m not gonna go out and see anyone I’m gonna stay in or go to the library and finish my work#have a goddamn cup of tea before I go to bed#I need to go to the shop and cook at some point but that can be basics for now because as much as I’d like to do the pie thing#maybe leave it until I’m more together so I’m not worried abt Extra things. I think temporary goal is to minimise the number of things#I really want to cry and just have it out but I’m teetering on the like. wanting to cry feeling instead of pushing over#this is a jump but I’m so tired of prioritising everyone else’s feelings#I realised tonight when I’m playing I’m always holding myself back a little to let other people do shit#and it’s not even like I’m holding back bc I’m good. I’m just letting other people do stuff bc I think they deserve it more#and when we had Shit happen I took on talking everyone down and making sure they were all okay#and then that whole weekend after I was completely fucked I couldn’t Do Anything#even with ms main character I’ve been stroking her ego do she doesn’t blow up completely and fuck stuff up for Everyone#maybe. just maybe my feelings are also important and I’m allowed to have shit not be my problem like everyone else#I think I’m going to bed it’s 2:40#I’m gonna try prioritise myself just a little tiny bit more#luke.txt
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Chanting to myself don’t think about the dread don’t think about the hopelessness don’t think about how I’m always depressed don’t think about how I might never get better don’t think about how useless I feel don’t think about my current life situation . Focus on watching this stream and getting tired
#I don’t *think* I’m depressed right now and all that but goddamn. doing anything is so hard and I feel bad#although. I have been off all my meds (other than my mood stabilizer. which I’m only taking half my full dose of) for uhhh. 3 weeks?#I have been out of them and the pharmacy is fucking impossible#my dad won’t pick them up and it’s hard for me to get to because I don’t drive and they never fucking answer the phone + the site sucks#so I can’t get them delivered#so like. I’m trying to tell myself I will get normaler once I’m back on my meds. but.#I really don’t think they’ve been helping much anyway. like I’m definitely going to keep taking them! I’m not saying ‘fuck my meds’#I’m just. very stuck and not improving. my mood is technically stable but stable in being constantly low#god it’s just about 1am. I know not to trust my thoughts rn but I’m not very tired so it’s hard to not think about them#jesus this is a long fucking post. sorry!#dead text
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#literally not what I said but whatever#live in your state of perpetual victim hood#just saying when someone says man something that happened hurt my feelings and your response is basically lmaooo you stupid dumby#you’re not allowed to be upset and I won’t apologize for anything I’ve said or done even though I was a major asshole because#I feel like I’m “right#like if you think I’m behaving like a teenager take a fucking look in the mirror#also considering you left our last conversation by literally mocking me “what did you want me to do go awww poor you poor your feelings#like you’re telling me that wasn’t you being an absolute dickhead for literally what#stop pretending like this isn’t your fucking fault#like genuinely sorry you taught me how to stand up for myself and now I won’t let you walk all over me anymore#and I never called you a soulless bastard I’m so fucking tired of you pushing that goddamn false narrative#I said and I quote you are acting like a soulless version of you which is not at all the same thing#stop twisting my words to make me look bad#hypocritical as fucking shit considering the teenager post
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This just in: gotta get surgery
#i’m just. so tired#my body is exhausted and I’m emotionally exhausted too#and like I haven’t been able to just lie down and rest in over a week#since the cyst on my back feels like a hot poker is stabbing me in the shoulder blades at all times#and now I have to get an ultrasound before I can go into surgery#bc it’s on top of my spine#which I get but goddamn do I hate the American healthcare system#so I’m just popping nonstop ibuprofen and just bought some lidocaine but it only does so much#I’ve stress cried like three times in the past few days??#and like I don’t get homesick but I want my parents right now#I’ve had weird medical shit before but this one is definitely the most mentally frustrating#and I’ve strained so many muscles in my neck and back trying to avoid resting this one part of my back on anything#and it’s fine when I’m asleep bc I’m a stomach sleeper but nobody just lounges about on their stomach!!#so I’m in too much pain to do anything but sit here and I can’t even do that comfortably#god im just exhausted#libby shouts into the void#tw medical#tw surgery#vent post
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I’m going to yeet my boss into the fucking sun
#I asked him DIRECTLY what I’m doing right#and he couldn’t come up with an answer#Literally our entire meeting is just what I’m doing wrong and how bad it is#I really fucking hate that he keeps moving the goalposts too#last week he said I need to work on independent problem solving and making sure my FR papers are done well#and I did that#and now he’s back to harping on time management again#even though last time he said that should be secondary to whatever other bullshit he comes up with#there’s no fucking winning#I’m so tired#like cmon dude#I am trying so goddamn hard to not burn myself out#and you are actively making things worse#like there’s no faster way to kill any and all motivation in your employees than by exclusively telling them what they’re doing wrong#and refusing to give them ANY positive feedback
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#the number of people I see still talking about g*tiens disgust me#g*riend goddamn autocorrect#did we all forgot what happened ???????#Like okay it was mostly the leader but another member litterally had her saved as the H man in her phone 😐#especially right now MHJ ’’My poor girls disbanded for nothing they didn’t deserve it’’ YES THEY DID DESERVE THAT#if you listen to V*viz or still stan to G*riend block me I’m serious#and I’m just talking about them but seriously how many idols still have fans after doing something messed up#maybe some people dosen’t know but still#cause of the MHJ shit I keep getting TikTok of how unfortunate their ending was#🙄#I’m so tired of those stand#stans*#alex.txt
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i absolutely love living in an apartment and paying rent so high i get panic attacks once a month so i can hear my upstairs neighbors going at it 👍👍 it’s so fun 🙃
#ell shut up#i mean good for them i guess but i want to fucking sleep guys.#i fucking hate how expensive living here is everything is jacked up to hell and back because students will pay so much#fuck all this shit. living in the modern world is so goddamn expensive and it sucks#wanna eat healthy? wanna have space? how about walls u cant hear everything through?? too bad <3#i want this all to be over right now. I wanna go home#i literally only shop at aldi nowadays because i’m so nervous about money. I finish my work at 8 and i’m too tired to cook.#i live on coffee from the $3 deal days and perpetual 50% off coupons i have from a local place.#and i cant get a job without risking my grades and my scholarships with them and its all so stressful and messy and im so. ugh
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google how do i be a normal person
#kit talks#still panicking about ants in my car. it’s fine.#i want to sleep for 100 years and never deal with anything stressful ever again#this whole year so far has been one thing after another and i’m so sick of it. i’m so tired#and i’m being melodramatic right now but i’m just so frustrated#every time we think the ants are gone we find another one wandering through#and every time it jacks my anxiety back up to 1000#and then i feel guilty for being such a slob that i got ants infesting my car#and then i feel guilty and stupid for being this freaked out over goddamn ants#and then i continue to be freaked out of the ants themselves#and do you know how stressful it is to feel like you’re getting exposure therapy every time you drive your car?#and do you know how ridiculous and stupid that feels too?#i’m so fucking tired#if you reply to this know i really appreciate it but i may not respond#too busy with the Wallowing
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