#but one thing I can’t do is physical affection with my family it’s so uncomfortable even when everything was all good

[fxckn-sxck-fr]

Oh well, since you encouraged me... Something that's been on a mind since I've read your older brother!Dick I just keep thinking of the incest potencial... Even with the more than controversial ages

𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐆𝐔𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐋𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐁𝐑𝐎𝐓��𝐄𝐑 𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐃𝐈𝐂𝐊 𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐘𝐒𝐎𝐍…

!!! 18+ THEMES, DEAD DOVE: DO NOT EAT, GN reader, fauxcest, age gap, toxic dynamic, noncon, making out, disgusting touching, brief hints of sexual content, general yandere fuckery, manipulation, kind of grooming(?), controlling behaviors, poor reader trying to cope so hard.

GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAA—

Don’t worry, pooks, I saw all of your other asks about this idea and I’ll try to remember to hit all of the points you bring up. I just wanna keep it all in one place.

ALSO, ALSO, ALSO, LIFE WITH OLDER BROTHER ENJOYERS. HEY. HEY. LISTEN. If you’re not fucking with this ask and you don’t want the wholesome platonic dynamic you conjured in your brain ruined for you, DO NOT PROCEED ANY FURTHER. LIKE, AT ALL. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You literally clocked me so badddd. Yes, the undertones in that series are 100% intended. I’m not gonna add anything overtly incestuous, but like… the subtext is there for the freaks to pick up on. Platonic incest where the lines blur every now and then, I love you so much.

Anyways, lemme get to yapping for real.

If we’re going to vaguely follow the Life With Older Brother series, Dick suddenly being so friendly to you would be… a little bit jarring. But try to think about it from his perfective: he wasn’t really there for Jason, and the thought of failing another younger sibling is too much to handle. Maybe he’s just trying to be more present for you. As weird as he may come off, you should at least give him a chance.

The beginning isn’t all that bad. Even if he’s relatively new to the older brother thing, you can tell he’s trying his best, and dare you say it, he’s actually fun to hang out with. Playing video games, going out for ice cream, trashy movie marathons… it almost makes you forget about those weirder behaviors. Almost.

Now, one thing you quickly noticed is how touchy-feely he is. Whenever you’re together, it seems like he’s always got sort of body part touching you one way or another. Sometimes, it’s subtle: a knee resting against yours, a very quick head-pat, his hand brushing against you as he gestures at something. Nothing all that noticeable unless if you’re very sensitive to touch. But then there are times where it’s a little more… overt. Like when he slings an arm around your shoulders. Or when he holds your hand while out and about. Or when pulls you against his side by your waste when it’s a crowded area. Every now and then, you find yourself wondering if this is normal. Do siblings usually touch each other so often? It kind of makes sense, but… considering you haven’t even been siblings for a full year, should he really be this comfortable around you yet?

If you think you can set boundaries with him, good fucking luck. He might’ve made it seem like he was hearing you out, but it won’t be long before he’s back at it with the touching. Okay… maybe this is something he really can’t help. As annoying — and weird… and uncomfortable — it may be, you’ll probably just have to suck it up and get used to it. Some people are just very handsy. But not like that! Oh my god, no. Dick’s Nightwing; a good guy, for Christ’s sake. He would never do anything like that!

(… Right?)

Here’s the thing about platonic physical affection: how weird can it get before people finally draw the line? Is it forehead kisses? Hugging someone by the waist? Having them sit in your lap whenever the opportunity arises? Are any of those things actually weird, or does Dick somehow make them weird? Because, yes, he still most definitely acts like an older brother — he certainly teases you like one, and you constantly have to fight against the urge to bite him like a feral weasel — but the touching… well… maybe familial affection is just a concept foreign to you (thanks in no small part to Bruce), but Dick somehow makes it feel like something else.

And you’ll admit; you don’t actually know what that something else is. All you know is that you’re pretty sure big brothers do not do that gentle, extremely intimate thumb-stroke thing to their little sibling’s face before a forehead kiss. And they also do not come up from behind their little sibling for a hug.

And the lap thing?

That was probably the turning point.

Because what older brother has their little sibling sit on their lap while watching TV? One hand on your hip, the other on your thigh… he’s doing that weirdly intimate thumb stroke thing on your bare skin, and all you can do is sit there and think, oh… I don’t like this. If you’re brave enough to ask him what he’s doing, he’ll play dumb. Hm? What do you mean, kiddo? He’s not doing anything… what are you talking about?

Before you can even begin to express how uncomfortable you are, however, his fingers start toying with the hem of your shit. You’re acutely aware of his knuckles brushing against the flesh of your torso, sending an uneasy shiver up your spine. Dick’s no stranger to touching your waist area, and while you still don’t really like it that much, you’ve gotten used to it. But this? Something about the actual skin on skin contact makes you freeze up entirely.

“You know,” Dick would thoughtfully begin, “I’m probably the luckiest big brother in the world. I don’t think you realize just how cute you are, (Y/N).”

His hand then inches its way up your shit.

BadbadbadbadbadbaDBADBADBADBAD—

Don’t bother fighting back. Don’t bother yelling at him. Don’t even bother squirming as he gently begins to run circles into the skin under your shirt. His grip on your thigh is like iron, holding you down to his lap and making any struggle futile. In fact, if I were to venture a guess, you’d probably be too petrified to even move, the shock of the moment rendering you completely immobile. This was supposed to be your big brother; yes, he’s a bit weird and overprotective, but he’s still your fucking big brother. And while your knowledge on big brothers may be extremely limited, you know for a fact that this is crossing a line.

Your faces become closer and closer until his breath is ghosting against your lips. “I love you, kiddo. You know that, right?”

You don’t dare to offer him a response. Hell, you don’t even know what you could say to that. The only thing filling your brain is the brazen warning bells screaming for you to get the fuck away from him. Except you can’t. For whatever reason, your body’s frozen in place, limbs weighing you down like heavy ice blocks.

You can’t move.

You can’t fucking move.

And, of course… he takes advantage of that.

By the time his lips softly plant themselves on yours, it’s too late. The lines between platonic and whatever the fuck this is have long been crossed, and you can never go back to pretending like everything is normal between you two. All of the subtle warning signs you opted to ignore were now blaring in your mind like loud sirens, almost mocking the fact that you didn’t fucking trust yourself.

This can’t be happening. This absolutely can’t be happening. You thought of this creep as your big brother; was this really the same guy that helped you with homework and let you play games on his laptop? Was this really the same guy under the Nightwing mask?

While the kiss evolves into something a little more passionate, he doesn’t take it too far. Just a gentle make-out session with roaming hands. He ends it by holding you against his chest, seemingly content with just occasionally peppering kisses to your face for the next hour or so. Neither of you say anything during this time. Even if you want to yell at him and demand why the fuck he did that, you’re too shocked to even form a coherent thought.

The man you thought could be your big brother is a massive fucking creep.

You think you’re going to be sick.

He doesn’t go out for patrol that night. Instead, he simply picks you up and carries you to his room, dressing you in his clothes for bed. You’re still trying to process the humiliation of letting this all happen as he slips you under the sheets with him and cuddles up to you. Sleep doesn’t come easy to you that night. How the fuck could it? Not only do you have that stupid fucking kiss haunting you, but now you have this sicko’s hand playing with the waistband of your shorts (his shorts), and god. You’re not sure how you didn’t throw up then and there.

So. What happens afterwards? Well, first off, no more phone. Dick’s not an idiot; he knows the lines he crossed that evening and would rather you not call Bruce or Alfred or the police. You’re also not allowed on his laptop unless if he’s supervising you, and your ass is not going outside anytime soon. Then we have the gross shit… yeah, now that he’s had a taste, he’s gonna be all over you. It won’t go that far just yet — he’d rather ease you into that territory, much like what he’s been doing before — but it can get a bit steamy. At least for him. You might still be grossed out over all this or whatever.

You know what the worst part is? He still has the audacity to act like your older brother. It doesn’t matter how many times he touches you or forces you to kiss him: he’ll call you kiddo through it all and offer to play some video games afterwards. In fact, are times where you both return to your previous sibling banter and you can almost convince yourself that things are totally fine. There you go again, falling for his meticulously set up trap.

This new dynamic might take some time to get used to, but Dick will try his damned hardest to make it seem natural. So what if Big Brother sometimes wants to pin his cute little sibling against the counter and leave love bites on their neck? Sometimes, it just has to happen. No harm, no foul. This could be normal if you stopped being so weird about it, you know.

And, you know what… you may find yourself finally accepting that this is your new normal. What else are you supposed to do? You can’t call anyone, you can’t run away, you can’t even fight back because he was trained by fucking Batman… you sure as hell don’t have to like it, but maybe you can make peace with it. This is nothing more than an annoyance from your big brother. That’s all. It’s not him grooming you. It’s not him taking advantage of you. It’s just him being a little irritating at times. Ignore the urge to throw up… ignore how your skin crawls whenever he’s near you… every sibling has their flaw, and being a total creep is Dick’s.

You’d probably begin to despise Bruce a little, too. Did he know how fucked up his former ward is? Or is the exact same way? Guess you’ll never know, because the man can’t even bother to check up on you. He essentially took you out of the system and threw you into the den of a wolf, subjecting you to a new personal hell you can’t even escape from. And Alfred… you thought he actually cared. Is he not concerned about the sudden radio silence on your end?

You really can’t help but wonder if anyone even thinks about you outside of the apartment, and with Dick being in control of what information he feeds to Bruce over the phone, all you can do is guess at this point. In the meantime, Big Brother just came back and needs a hug… why don’t you come on over to the couch, kiddo?

Ugh. There are so many fucking directions I can go in from here. You mentioned Bruce (or eventually Tim) becoming suspicious and finding out what’s going on, and GRRRRR. SO GOOD. SO FUCKING GOOD. I need to write a blurb about this. It’s so addicting. I just had to get some of the base ideas on this out because this concept has been marinating in my brain for way too long. I’m not kidding, I was going to actually explode if I didn’t get to talk about this. I NEED MORE OF THIS TYPE OF SHIT.

[kavehayati]

Raisa telling me I’ll find “my one” but she forgets I already found him 😔

[donutz]

Yandere Sebastian x reader if you okay with it?

Yandere alphabet Sebastian Solace headcanons

When Sebastian gets TOO attached

— Credits to @dear-yandere for the prompt!! I probably won't do this again because I don't enjoy yanderes all that much. But don't feel bad for requesting this, I enjoyed this and had many laughs ^_^

Warnings: There's gonna be a lot, but there's no acting it out I swear; Mentions of abduction, fighting back, lashing out, escaping, punishment(NOT IN A 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 WAY), dying(You don't die), isolation, crying, screaming, exploition, hurting Reader, revere/worship, breaking, manipulation, and drugging Reader!!; Remember they're just mentions, so it doesn't happen; This turns out to be bad at the end, I think, I'm just tired

Affection(How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get)?

Sebastian would get the urge to just hug you, specifically hugging you really tight just so you can’t leave

He wouldn’t do it himself, because he doesn’t want to get too close to humans

You’d have to act out most of the affection, physical affection especially

He doesn’t mind doing acts of service, and loves quality time

Spending time with you is just so simple for him, and really builds trust between you two

That’s what he thinks

You’d have to be near dead or just really emotional in a moment for him to say he loves you

It’s not like he doesn’t! No way! Who wouldn’t?!

But maybe it’s better that others don’t love you.. Romantically of course

Family is important

It wouldn’t get too intense, just hugging you pretty tight to the point you can’t go anywhere

Or just keeping you in his shop for a long amount of time, he already took care of that radar thing, don’t worry

He really likes to stitch up any injuries or help you with them, even the smallest cuts can make him want to heal you

One time you were hanging around for a large amount of time, taking in all of the time you two spent together

You realized that you needed to go, standing up to go to the vent

He stopped you, holding your whole arm with just one of his hands, yelling for you to wait

You looked back at him shocked and confused

“... Sebastian”?

“Could you.. Just stay a little longer”?

Let’s say in this moment you had a crush on him

“Uhm. Yeah, sure, I don’t mind”.

That interaction was the start of it, of him clinging to you, wanting you to stay here

Here with him

He wondered why he felt this way

Blood(How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling)?

Not too bloody, he finds human blood disgusting… Well– it depends on the human

Not really, I mean he’ll admit that your blood smells gross, whether he loves you or not

He might even feel a little bit guilty after

Minus the monsters, if anybody else really touches you, he’ll just scowl but leave it alone

He’ll most likely act out on somebody who was making you uncomfortable

Maybe even kill them? But not in his shop, somebody else may smell it and allege that he had done it

He doesn’t want to hurt them… In front of you, he’d just scare them off

If they didn’t get scared off then he’d break their arm

Then you’re just in the back watching it all, looking at the prisoner and then Sebastian

“.... Oh my”.

The prisoner would yell out for help, then they’d pass out

Sebastian would try to explain to you that he was just— Removing a bad.. Prisoner?

“No it’s fine, I— I understand”…

Maybe he loves you even more after that?

Maybe you love him even more now?

Cruelty(How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them)?

Uhm.. I’m not sure!

I wouldn’t think Sebastian would abduct Reader, mainly because he wants to focus on getting out of the Hadal Blacksite

But hypothetically, if he were to…

I think he wouldn’t try to smile at you every time he saw you, to show you that he wouldn’t want to be messed with

“Sebastian, you didn’t need to abduct me”.

“Uh— What”...?

He isn’t very good at the abducting thing… Maybe that’s why those ropes are so loose…

While that’s true, it’s mainly because he doesn’t know how to tie a rope

It’s embarrassinggg… Don’t tease him too much about it

He would TRY to tease you, make it SEEM like you miss the outside

Yet in this universe, you don’t mind, at all

But that doesn’t mean you enjoy just being by yourself down here

He would never mock you! Seriously anyways

Minus me not really enjoying yandere things, I actually would think that Sebastian isn’t really good at yandere stuff

Other than just having those feelings for you, breaking your legs is… Crazy

Ugh, don’t even SPEAK about isolating you from the world, that’s somewhat worse

He knows what it’s like, and if you’re not working for Urbanshade, he wouldn’t want to put you through that

Not the person he loves!

Why would someone do that…?

Darling(Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will)?

No, I mean if turning off that detonation system counts then yeah

Why would he abduct you just for you to die in thirty minutes?

That’s dumb.

He wouldn’t do anything romantic to you without your consent

If he did then that would mean he’d be just like those Urbanshade ‘people’

Eventually he’d just let you go

Disappointed in himself for even thinking of doing this

Sorry if you’re into abduction☹️

Exposed(How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling)?

Since he feels this way already, he might as well spill out his feelings? Right?

He’d let you read his document for free, after knowing and loving each other of course!

Randomly he’d just reveal bits and bits of his past, of Urbanshade, that stupid company…

In those emotional moments, he would talk about what had happened

Possibly even how he feels? Like everyday I mean, not about you

Actually it’s both

“How— How I FEEL ABOUT YOU IT— IT EATS AT ME EVERYDAY”!!!

Yeah

He’d turn his back to you, which is very important for a scared creature

Like a cat, I’m not saying he’s like a cat

He might like cats, or hate them, I’m not sure, just a random headcanon

He’d LOVE to open up to you, he swears!

He trusts you too, a lot

But in order for him to do that, please, don’t joke about his past

Sebastian can be very vulnerable, one time he was resting his head in your lap

Somehow

A huge creature on your lap, his head the size of your torso, it was nice

Fight(How would they feel if their darling fought back)?

There’s no point, he can crush your head with his hand

He would regret not drugging you

He’d slap you so you can pass out, but he doesn't want to hurt you! At all!

Please don’t fight back, you’re making it harder than it needs to be

You’re hanging up by the back of your shirt, with his claw, flailing

“Oh my god!! Sebastian I’m choking”.

“Oh, sorry”.

That wasn’t serious

He just might yell at you to stop fighting

Game(Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape)?

No, he’d be very annoyed every time you’d escape, it just shows how sane you are

The more times you try to escape, the more days you stay down here

Because if you escape then you might tell Urbanshade about him, they’re the only ones who know he’s alive so they might believe you

It’s better to just play into it, so you can leave earlier and be mentally okay

He doesn’t enjoy cat and mouse, not with you

I mean if he was hunting somebody down at that dumb company, he would LOVE it, temporarily

It’d get annoying after some time

He doesn’t enjoy watching you struggle and squirm in those barely tight ropes

He’d tell you to just give up, he’s not going to let you go

After many attempts of escaping, he’ll give you a HUGE tip

“If you want to escape so badly, then START loving me”.

If you’re smart enough, you’ll get that pretending that you love him will get you out of here

If you aren’t and keep escaping, it’s not going to go good for you

He may not be good at ropes, but he may be good with certain drugs

To keep you down here of course

He wouldn’t want to manipulate you into loving him

… He might have to though

Hell(What would be their darling’s worst experience with them)?

I would guess him giving you your ‘every-other-day’ drugs  so you can stay with him

Being convinced that you’ll stay down here with him forever is a bad one

Uhm… Him yelling at you?

God, he really doesn’t want to make it hard for you! Just LOVE HIM ALREADY!!!

IT ISN’T THAT HARD.

Or maybe it is

Abducting you wasn’t the best option so you can love him

He doesn’t enjoy isolating you from the world, but he can’t just have you getting with anybody else!!

No he—... He could never let you with anybody else

😈😈

Ideals(What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling)?

He’d hope you’d love him back

So he could let you go

He doesn’t want you to stay down here

He doesn’t want to drug you

It hurts

He doesn’t want for you to go through the same thing he did

Minus the experiments

Maybe not marriage, but being together romantically is a dream for him

He imagines being more happier

Happier with you

You’re so important to him :(

Imagining being at the surface, being Solace again

Oh what a dream.

He’d marry you if he was human

He is NOT HAVING KIDS!!!

It’s not just the sex part, it’s having to deal with kids

Don’t tell anybody I said this but… I think Sebastian is asexual...

Shh shhh…

Jealousy(Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope)?

He can get really jealous, only if he sees anybody else being friendly with you

Unless it’s the other monsters, he’d be surprised but also proud

Of the monster, but it also depends on the monster

If it was Eyefestation or The p.AI.nter he’d feel very proud

Getting along with a human is… Strange down here

To realize they’re all not bad

Some of them are good

Anyways, if you start to talk about your (possible)friends at the surface then his face expression would change

From a restful expression to slightly stressed and furious

He immediately wipes that expression off his face

Sebastian doesn’t want you to realize he’s jealous

Too bad you already noticed

“What? You jealous or something?” You tease

“No I’m just.. Surprised you have friends”.

“Ouch, oh wow you hurt me”!

He tries to not lash out, but maybe a distraction can work or something

“Heyyy! Y’know I think that I wouldn’t mind ONE person leaving MY shop RIGHT NOW”.

You two look at him with confusion

“AN INDIVIDUAL WHO I DON’T KNOW?” He hints

Your friend flashes him with a flash beacon

“WH—” Sebastian wipes his hands over his face

You look at your friend and get close to them while looking at Sebastian, “Alright I think you should—” 

“GET OUT”!!!

After they leave, you talk with Sebastian, trying to figure out what was going on before he got beamed

Apparently he was, ‘tired of intruders’

Kisses(How do they act around or with their darling)?

He can act kind of bashful when it’s just the two of you

He seems annoyed when you tease him but he doesn’t mind all that much

He jokes or flirts at times

Whenever he’s flustered he looks away, and you can tell by the lean of his head

He doesn’t try to act nonchalant or extremely confident, he’s just himself

He gets more on edge around others, but they get softer and less rigid around you

 You guys would seem like really good friends from a different point of view

Not really with the back-and-forth flirts you two do

If you say something that’ll REALLY get to him, he’ll go silent

And if he could, he would blush

Love letters(How would they go about courting or approaching their darling)?

I would think you’d confess first

He really doesn’t want to ruin the relationship between you two

But if he ends up confessing first then it would be on accident

He’d be rambling and then all of the sudden,

“And that’s because I love you and—”

Something like that

He didn’t even catch what he said so you’d have to call him out on it

“Wait what did you just say”?

“Huh”?

“Like— What was that last part”?

“Oh you mean ____”?

“No I mean before that”.

Then he’d look all confused until he realized what he said

Silence…

“Don’t worry I love you too I just wouldn’t think you’d say it so suddenly.” You laugh

Maybe if he was corny and back in college or something(If he was even in college) and HUMAN, he’d give you a love letter

I would think Sebastian would be good with poetry

Perchance

Mask(Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else)?

Yeah, but he wouldn’t make it too obvious that he likes you

Unless he was around somebody who’s emotionally intelligent, or intelligent in love

Then they’d definitely get the hint

He sounds more stern and angry around others, but with you he sounds more soft and calm

His voice is more lowered, not in a alpha🐺🐺 way but I mean more comfortable

Maybe even some voice cracks? If that’s possible

Make fun of him afterwards, it’s worth it even after he looks mad

Letting you hang around in the shop is diabolical, he just really hopes somebody doesn’t come across you two

Seeing him with his guard down and chilling with a human is his worst nightmare

Minus Urbanshade

It gets worse if they start to make fun of him for being around a human

He’s just more… Serene.

Around you

Naughty(How would they punish their darling)?

Oh uhm

We’re not getting 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 but, he would just make the days longer for you and give you MORE drugs

If you insult him he tries to not act out on it, he thinks it makes him weak

Letting insults get to you is weak

In his opinion

So the insults don’t have much consequences minus an annoyed stare

Oppression(How many rights would they take away from their darling)?

Maybe screaming?

I’m sorry I’m not too good with this yandere stuff

It’s uhh… Interesting to me😁

Patience(How patient are they with their darling)?

I mean unless you’re screaming for hours on end he can be pretty patient

But if you scream too much he’ll just have to put duct tape over your mouth

He’ll wait, and wait for you to just accept him

He really doesn’t want to keep you trapped down here

I know I’ve already said it but he REALLY doesn’t want you down here

If you’re obedient then he’ll just let you out early

If you’re obedient AND love him that is

He doesn’t want you to go telling others about what happens

Unless you make a deal

Likeeee

“If you let me go and we can spend more time together then maybe I could fall for you. Instead of drugging me and keeping me down here, I could actually love you”.

He’ll think about it then agree to it

And guess what!

You ended up loving him

Possibly…

Quit(If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on)?

He’d just give up after some time, expecting this

Expecting for people to leave him again

Humans

Let me split this up

— Dying

Holy MOLY.

He’s grieving forever

Your death would be the last thing he thinks of before crying to sleep

He HATES being reminded of your death every single day

Sometimes he thinks of not even meeting you in the first place

Then he wouldn’t feel this way, about a human

I mean seriously, if you couldn’t come back and I’m talking about realistically, he would be super duper sad!!

— Leaving

He knows it’s better for you, but he wants you with himmm

Unless you can get him out of here

Please get him out of here

He’s going to miss you, a lot

It’s been a year daddy

Sorry☹️

— Escaping

Oh my god!! How did you do that with those ‘tight’ ropes on your wrists!!

He’d be PISSED.

Searching for you, EVERYWHERE

It’s not like you’d go that far, or find those endless rooms

Right?

RIGHT???

Pretty please don’t escape, he just might catch you

Then he’s not letting you go, since it’s OBVIOUS you don’t love him AND you’re not obedient

Regret(Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go)?

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT

He would regret it everyday that you’re down here!

Sebastian doesn’t want to!! He just needs you!!!

He feels pretty bad for capturing you down here

Constantly worrying about if your head will pop from the pressure

Sometimes he thinks that he abducted the wrong person

He’d let you go if you loved him back, possibly even on the first day!

You’d be really lucky if he did that

Butttt, you’d HAVE to promise you won’t tell anybody about this

That he’s down here, other than the prisoners and monsters

A weight would be carried off his back when he would let you go

Stigma(What brought about this side of them [childhood, curiosity, etc])?

Loving you?... Or a sprinkle of no good human interaction?

He’s never gotten so close with somebody, except for family or having friends at school

Feeling this way about a human after the experiments hit him pretty hard

So I would think that the reason he feels this way could be because of the experiments

It’s affected him a lot, especially how he feels about the human species

He’s forgot some things, so he can’t really recall a good human action that’s happened to him

Him loving you and negative human interaction mixed together is the factor on why he feels this way

Tears(How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves)?

I wouldn’t say he’s a sadist, to you

If it were somebody bad dying then he’d smile

Heh… When I smile, RUN😈

I would love for Gianni to say that

Anywho, he wouldn’t enjoy seeing you suffer like that

It reminds him of the experiments he went through

Hearing your scream scares him in a way, to realize that he’s doing that type of stuff to you

To hear you screaming out of fear and pain

It makes him sad

He’s either going to let you go or just keep you forever

Depends on how he feels

Don’t scream, it makes him feel bad :C

Crying makes it worse

Are you really that scared?

Did he really do that to you?

The ‘person’ who loves you?

Is it really love if he’s torturing you?

If you were to isolate yourself then he’d think you broke

Just seeing you this way reminds him of lying on that cold table

Nearly alive and awake being poked and prodded at

Ughh, just shut up already and leave

That’s something he would say

Unique(Would they do anything different from the classic yandere)?

Letting you go and actually feeling bad for you

Not being fully insane

Feeling guilty

Actually being somewhat sane

Just feeling the way a good person would feel

Even after turning into that ‘monster’

He is definitely one in a million when it comes to yanderes

Vice(What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape)?

His feelings

And his trauma

Definitely his trauma

Not making fun of it, but more like speaking about it emotionally

“Did those experiments turn you this way”?

“The negative human interaction just— Impacting you when you realized that not all humans are bad”?

Yeah, make sure to use that against him

To make it seem like you know what he went through

Make it seem like his feelings are recognized

Manipulation 101

Wit’s end(Would they ever hurt their darling)?

NO!!

I TOLD YOU NO!!!

NOOOOO!!!!

That was a reference by the way

Aren’t I just so funny?

Xoanon(How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over)?

His respect for you is just average I would say

Before he met you it would be pretty small, then it would raise if you didn’t flash him with the flash beacon

If you show him genuine respect then he’ll do it back

Even if he loves you

He’s not going to worship you! Ughh, ew that’s… Nasty!!

He thinks it, not me!

Doing acts of service, like healing you, opening a door for you, things like that

He’d compliment you at times but it’s rare

He’d ask The p.AI.nter what are ways humans currently show affection

“HAH. LOSER.” It generates

Yearn(How long do they pine after their darling before they snap)?

If he gets hints that you love someone else

I’m getting tired it’s 11 pm

Zenith(Would they ever break their darling)?

He would think he did if you acted a certain way

But I don’t think he would on purpose

I apologize if I've annoyed you in anyway from mentioning how I feel about yandere stuff. I just find it kind of insane to even think of those type of actions, especially romanticizing it.

[lopsicle]

Arcane season 2 spoilers

/////

I have been thinking A LOT about Jayce and Viktor, mainly the scene where Viktor is reborn out of his pod of Hexcore.

Mainly because it means a lot for Viktor’s character. On a fundamental level, he never seen much worth in himself, but he did see worth in inventions, the things he made, it’s how he could prove himself to the world. This is why he becomes so concerned with his illness and the legacy he’ll leave behind on the world; he needs the Hexcore to work because he doesn’t have anything else.

But now, he is literally fused with his invention, his invention that he has grown to hate because it killed one of the only people who truly saw value in Viktor, and not the things he could, partly due to his own negligence. Viktor put it best, in his pursuit of greatness, he failed to do good.

He doesn’t really know how to process what happened to him at all, he’s a smart man, he can clearly deduce that his body has undergone some cybernetic change, he can probably remember the explosion in the council room, but other then that, he’s just confused, hence why he asks Jayce, “what am I?” Viktor’s body is entirely different and unfamiliar, and taking into context that the Hexcore, his greatest invention which he tied all his worth to, has failed before this, it’s likely Viktor had lost sight of who he was, and his new body only served to further that descent.

Jayce can’t think about any of that though, he’s just happy that his partner is alive and who wouldn’t be, he’d been waiting for days, possibly weeks for him to wake. Viktor’s mortality is one of the things that Jayce has struggled with the most in the series, which is what makes his survivor’s guilt so much more pertinent. A lot of people claim that Jayce grew up rich and coddled, and I think that’s true to an extent, but they forgot his family were workers, tool smiths. Jayce seemed to grow up with the idea that he wasn’t that fortunate, that he was a working, middle class man who was going to change the world, and then he meets Viktor, a “poor cripple from the Undercity,” and then he sees what the Undercity is really like and the conditions people live in. And that’s when Jayce realises; he had it good. I believe this is what encourages part of his admiration of Viktor; he is what Jayce thought he was.

Tangent aside, I feel that their hug is a very, very important moment, mainly because of Viktor’s reaction.

He isn’t relieved or uncomfortable, it’s just…nothing. Given what Viktor says about how he doesn’t feel that it’s cold and just recognises that it is cold, I believe this is the moment where it fully sank in how much his body had changed. He couldn’t feel Jayce.

And like, first off, that is such beautiful symbolism for what he says later about how they’re relationship was only held together by affection. Viktor physically cannot feel said affection anymore and know has no reason to stick by the side of someone whose views have become so contrasted to his. But more emotionally, it’s representative of Viktor’s belief that he is unloveable, his new body is merely proof at that, he can’t touch Jayce, he couldn’t save Sky, he couldn’t make the Hexcore work properly, he couldn’t even get Jayce to destroy the Hexcore. To himself, Viktor is a failure who is unworthy of love.

But, he still huge Jayce back. Despite not being able to feel Jaycee’s warmth anymore, despite it feeling like his whole life has crumbled, Viktor wants to give Jayce one last act of service. Perhaps to prove that he still has use, or maybe this was the moment where he decided he would have to part ways with Jayce, and just wanted Jayce to remember his touch, even if Viktor couldn’t remember his.

Anywho if enough people like this dribble, I may post my take on the rest of this scene because it shattered me

[so-long-soldier-writes]

Gorgeous

kai parker x reader (both 18+!) (shy!virgin!kai)

summary: troubled by his own body, kai's afraid to go all the way with you. that is, until you confess you love him regardless of the way he looks, giving him just the confidence he's needed all along.

tags: friends to lovers, kissing, minor fingering, shy!kai, mentions of child abuse / physical abuse [I can't just write a normal fic, can I?], implied s3lf h4rm, emotional hurt / comfort, confessions, making out, blow jobs, virgin!kai, top / bottom switching, reader is a little freaky, nipple sucking, pet names, aftercare, cuddling

word count: 5.5k

a/n: sooooo... this has been sitting in my wips for over a year. for some reason, i just never posted it. but unfortunately, i have work tomorrow, so i'll be dead as a doornail that evening, and the work i wanted to post isn't done yet, so i'll post this in the meantime. that being said, i think i'm finally starting to get back in the swing of things. i'm still working on requests as well as other stuff, but i'm coming back slowly!

also, if this idea is totally unusual, that's probably why it sat in my drafts for a year. it's a year old fluffy smut with a strange premise. bare with me. 😅

The minute you get back from work, you collapse onto the nearest chair and groan.

“You okay there?”

Looking up, you see Jo and her boyfriend on the couch watching a movie. Oops.

“Sorry. Yeah. Long day. Where is everyone?”

“Our dads went to the flooding company people to try and get that situation covered, and our moms took the kids to the park.”

“My brother too?”

“Your brother, but not mine.”

“Cool,” you give the girl a thumbs up. “Hey Cody.”

Jo’s boyfriend looks over at you, “hey, Y/N.”

“Alright, I’m gonna go shower.”

“Okay!”

You make your way up the stairs slowly, wondering where Kai is. Poking your head in his room, you see he’s not in there, but you don’t hear him anywhere else. Oh well. You’ll find him after your shower, because you really, really need that shower. 

In your room - also the Parker’s guest room - you grab a new set of clothes and your hairbrush, before going into the guest bathroom in the hallway. See, you and the Parkers are neighbors and have become close family friends. Though one night after a really bad storm, your basement flooded, as did several other houses nearby. This is a problem Mr. Parker could easily fix with magic, but considering the electric and flooding companies know your house was one of the ones affected, he can’t do anything without revealing his coven. Instead, your family temporarily moved in with his until the county could fix the issue.

It’s been two weeks, no progress. But you’re not complaining; you get to spend more time with Kai - your best friend who you’ve recently started dating in secret. 

As you’re busy undressing and getting the water ready, you don’t hear Kai come in from outside. The boy stands in the kitchen, staring at nothing in particular.

“Is everyone still out?” He hesitantly asks Jo.

“Yeah. But Y/N came home.”

“Oh. Where is she?”

“Mhm, went upstairs.” Then she snaps her fingers, “oh wait! She said she’s taking a shower. So don’t bother her. Just go to your room and wait for her to come out. Don’t be weird.”

Kai scrunches his nose. As if he’d ever make you uncomfortable on purpose. “Okay, thanks.”

Quietly, he makes his way upstairs. When he hears the water running, he bites his lip. Don’t be weird, Jo had just said. But she doesn’t know how close you two actually are. Swallowing hard, he slowly turns the knob to the bathroom door, trying not to alert Jo to which door he’s opening. Inside, the hot water steams up the mirrors, making it hard to see, but he can vaguely point out your figure through the glass. 

“Y/N?”

You hear him and pop your head out of the door, “Kai! Hi. Come in,” you gesture for him to enter all the way.

He does, then shuts the door just as quietly. “I don’t mean to bug you, I just wanted to make sure you were here. Jo said you were, but…” he shrugs.

“You’re not bugging. Come on, join me.”

“What?”

“In here.”

“But… I’m wearing jeans.”

“Well then take them off, you goof.”

“I-I… um.”

Deciding to give him privacy, you stick your head back in the shower and rinse out the shampoo. The whole time you’re finishing your shower routine, you assume Kai’s going to join you at any time. You haven’t gone that far in your relationship yet, but he is a teenage boy, and he does love kissing you every chance he gets.

You two have done more than kissing, of course, but just haven’t gone all the way. And there’s plenty of reasons for that: too many people in this damn house, someone might walk in, someone might overhear, etc. etc. etc. But aside from the obvious reasons, you can’t help but feel like there’s also reasons that Kai isn’t sharing. 

He likes to spend a lot of your time together practically worshipping your body. His lips and fingers have touched nearly every part of you, but he isn’t too keen on letting you do the same. 

Kai holds you in place with a hand on your neck. His lips are attached right below, sucking hard enough to leave a mark. His other hand’s busy farther down - two fingers pumping in and out of you quickly. You bite your lip hard to not moan as you cum on his hands. He continues to finger fuck you through your orgasm, not letting up until your body stills. Then, he tastes one finger before putting the second in your mouth. You suck on it, eyes trained on him the whole time. 

“My turn. Let me make you feel good, Kai.”

“You are. I like watching you like this.”

“No, I know. But I want to taste you, too. Let me blow you.”

Kai bites his lip as if he’s having an internal debate. “Isn’t this so much better, though?” Before you can say anything else, he kisses you, feeling his hands up and down the sides of your body as he does. “Now let me cuddle you, m’kay? Let me take care of you.”

You’re too overwhelmed in pleasure to fight, and succumb to his open arms. Minutes later, you’re both asleep. 

You don’t pry if he tells you ‘no’ the first time, but of course, you can’t help but wonder why he’s never let you even see his body. 

“Take your shirt off, why am I the only one exposed?” You joke, pulling at the hem.

“Hmph, no, baby, I’m too focused on you,” he says. 

Every time. He won’t even take his bracelets off, let alone any of his clothes. Again, you don’t push him - he’ll take that step when he’s ready - but you really want to pleasure him the same way he does you. And besides, he just has to be hot under there; his face is insanely attractive, arms are strong, and figure is lean. You’re dying to know. 

“Y/N?” His voice snaps you from your thoughts.

“Mhm?”

“I, um, actually nevermind.”

“You okay, angel?”

“Yeah, just…”

Done with your shower, you turn off the water and grab your towel. You would just go out nude despite him there, but you know the air will be cold, so you wrap the blue cloth around your body. “Well now I’m done.” Carefully, you open the door and step off the slippery floor.

In front of you, Kai is standing awkwardly. His jeans are still on, but his shirt is off and folded neatly on the bathroom counter. You gulp the minute you see his body for the first time. As you expected, he’s lean and rather well-toned for someone not allowed out of his house much. His arms have some muscle to them, and you can see several prominent veins close to the surface of his skin. What catches your eye most, however, is the sharp v-line shaping his hips, leading to somewhere still hidden from your sight. “Fuck,” you mutter under your breath.

Kai swallows hard. His eyes are red. You don’t notice the signs of discomfort, though, until a small sigh escapes his lips. 

You narrow your eyes when you hear him. “What's wrong, pumpkin?” Hurrying towards him, you cup the sides of his face. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“I hate it.”

“Hate what?”

“Hate my body.”

“What do you mean? You’re gorgeous, Kai.”

“All the ew, all the stupid… everything.”

“What are you talking about? I don’t see anything ‘ew’.”

“Look closer.”

“Are you sure? If you’re uncomfortable, I won’t.”

“Just do it.”

Nervous, you step back to look at him closer. “Oh,” you mutter, suddenly saddened. Discolored skin in shades of green, yellow, and purple. Bruises, new and old. Handprints, whip marks, slaps from an open palm, all fading from red. Then there are the cuts, up and down his arms, some on his stomach, some on his shoulders. Clearly self-inflicted, though the bruises were all clearly marks of abuse. 

“Now you see how ugly I really am.”

“No, no, Kai…” Gently, you run a finger across a row of evidential abuse. He flinches a little and you can’t help the tear that falls from your eyes. “You’re still gorgeous, baby.”

“Hm,” he mutters, shaking his head ‘no’.

“Shh, shh, you’re okay. I promise. You are still beautiful to me. And I still want you, I still want every inch of your body. You don’t have to hide from me. Hey, I have some, too.”

You peel the towel away a bit to expose several cuts along your upper arm. 

He sniffs, “those weren’t there the other day.”

“I know, baby. But yesterday was really hard with my dad, and this was the only way I could think of to cope.”

Kai remembers yesterday. Your dad had forced you to go out with him to visit different universities in the area. By the time you both got back, he was fuming and you were holding back tears. 

“He got pissed at me when I said I didn’t want to go to college. He asked me why I was the family failure, and why I couldn’t be more like him.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“It’s okay. I’m okay, now that I’m back beside you.”

“He’s a dick. Your brother’s a dick.”

“My point is, Kai, that we have a lot of the same scars. You don’t think I’m any less beautiful because of them, so why should you think that about yourself?”

“Because I also have bruises from my fucking dad.”

“That’s not your fault, baby. Your dad is an even bigger dick than mine. And just because you have wounds on your body from his hand doesn’t mean I don’t love you or your body any less.”

Kai freezes, “you love me?”

You then freeze, too. “I, um…” Then you realize that that confession may be exactly what he needs to hear. “Yes. I do love you, Kai.”

Tears that were welling in his eyes are now falling, “why?”

“Why? Why not? Because on top of being absolutely gorgeous, you’re an amazing friend and boyfriend. You’re sweet and gentle and trying your best despite the awful circumstances you’ve been given. You’re always there through the good and bad, and I could never get tired of being with you.”

“Can I admit that I love you, too?”

You smile and nod happily before leaning in quickly to kiss him. Amidst your excitement, your towel falls from your body, and your breasts rub up against his bare chest. Kai lets out a moan at the contact, but then separates from the kiss to cover his mouth with his hand. You just raise your eyebrows at him. 

“Feel good?”

Instead of answering, his hands find your breasts and feel them. His eyes roll back in his head. “So soft,” he mutters.

“Kai?”

“Hm?”

“Does this mean I can see you now?”

“Um, I, n- uh-” he stutters over every word. 

“You know what? It’s okay. Later?”

“Okay.”

“Sounds good. And I hate to say it, but we have to stop,” you pause to pull on your panties and jeans, “because Jo will start getting suspicious soon,” you have to ignore Kai’s pouting face as you put on your bra, “and she doesn’t need to see us like this, because she’ll tell your dad.” Your shirt is on next, “and then my dad. And then you’ll get hurt.” He watches you pull your hair out from under your shirt and flip it to curl around your face, “and you’re not getting hurt on my watch. Okay?”

Kai nods, “I love you.”

“I love you, too, pumpkin.” You two share another kiss before leaving the bathroom. Kai grabs his shirt on the way out, fumbling to put it on, along with his multiple bracelets. “Downstairs? I need some water.”

“Sure.”

The minute you reach the last step, Jo calls out to you, “did Kai find you?”

“Yeah, he’s here.”

“Okay. He came in a little bit after you went up. I told him you were in the shower, but not to bother you. He listened to me, right?”

“He didn’t bother me at all. Was very gentlemanly and waited in his room for me to come out.” You wink at Kai as you lie straight to Jo’s turned face. Luckily, she’s fixated on the movie. 

“Okay, good.”

“I’m just going to get a drink and then we’ll be out of your hair shortly.”

◇◇◇◇

“Y/N, are you sure you don’t want to come with us? It’s a huge festival, it’s a lot of fun,” Mr. Parker asks one more time as he’s halfway out the door. 

You take another glance at the amount of people crowding the doorway: your brother and parents, plus Kai’s parents and all his siblings. Minus him, of course. “I’m sure. I’m not too big on crowds, and I’m kinda tired. Might just see if Kai wants to watch a movie.”

“Okay, but be careful.” Then, Mr. Parker leans closer to whisper in your ear. The gray hairs of his beard lightly touch your skin, making you shiver in fear. “And don’t get too close to him.”

“Noted.”

“We should be back around three-ish, more or less,” your Dad adds. 

“Okay.”

“Don’t leave the house, and certainly don’t let him sneak out,” Mr. Parker piggy-backs off your dad’s comment. Jeez, it’s like they’re long-lost irritating brothers.

“I won’t. He’ll stay here with me.”

“But not too close, becau-”

“I heard it the first time, Dad. I trust Kai enough that we’ll be fine for a couple of hours. Go have fun, okay?” You had to downplay your friendship to make them think you only trusted him a little. If they knew the truth - that you’d trust him with your life - they’d definitely stage an intervention and never let you see each other again. 

“Okay, just making sure. See you later, Y/N.”

“Bye.”

Finally, they leave. It takes ten minutes for nine kids to assemble between two cars, between the Parkers’ van and your parents’ SUV, but they eventually make it work. You can literally hear two kids crying over “having to sit in the back again”, but then you hear your Dad’s voice, “ride with me, if it’s okay with your Dad.” The crying ceases at last, and the cars pull out of the gate. 

“Are they gone yet?” Kai comes downstairs about a minute after they left.

“Just pulled out. What were you doing?”

He swallows, “um.” While struggling to answer, you give him a look. “I’m used to hiding during the van-packing process.”

“Okay,” you answer, not entirely convinced. 

He bites his lip, “okay, that part is true. I do hide when they do that because sometimes someone storms back in to grab something to appease the ones stuck in the back, like a snack or whatever. But, um, what I was actually doing was… trying to,” he pauses, and you let him find the words, “build up the courage to, um… can I just kiss you?”

You’re confused, but you’ll never deny him a kiss. Smile forming on your lips, you close the three foot gap between you two, hands tracing his jawline, capturing his face, while kissing him softly. His hands find your waist, gripping your hips. There’s something different about this kiss than your usual ones. Something more hungry… willing, maybe. Whatever it is, you let him take charge. 

As soon as the shift in control changes, he spins the both of you around so that you’re pressed into the counter, rather than himself, while he kisses you deeper. His lips leave your mouth to trail down your jaw, to your neck, but then he suddenly stops to look up at you. 

“Everything okay?”

“Can we go upstairs?”

“Of course.” You joke, “afraid someone’s gonna walk in?”

He misses your teasing tone and replies bluntly, “no, I wanna fuck you.”

You nearly trip up the first stair, causing you to grab a tight hold of his hand. “What’d you say?”

“Is that okay?”

“I-uh-um- yes, just caught me off guard. What brought it on?”

“You said you loved me. And that you liked my body even with all the scars. And that if I can love yours with scars, you can love mine.”

“I did say that. I meant every word.”

“And so now we’re here alone, and I’m going to act on something I’ve wanted to do a long time ago.” 

You reach the top of the stairs. He has an arm around your back to prevent you from falling, just in case, as he stares into your eyes for hesitancy. You give none. “Then do it.”

Instantly, your back collides with the hallway wall and he kisses you with the same tenacity he did downstairs. Out of habit, your hands find his hair; his, your waist, but he’s a lot more confident now. Slowly, he inches the both of you towards his door. His hand fumbles with the knob, making him frustrated.

“Wish I could just open the stupid thing with magic.”

“If I had magic, I’d let you take it whenever,” you answer, again, with no hesitancy. 

He stops to stare at you. “You would?”

“Mhm. I mean it, Kai, I love you.”

“But the siphoning hurts.”

You shrug, “can’t hurt that bad. I imagine it’d probably actually feel good. At least for me, maybe not other people. Send little tingles all the way down to my-”

He cuts you off with an open mouthed kiss. “Now I really wish you had magic.”

“-and then a part of me would kinda be in your blood, too, right?” You finish the second part of what you wanted to say. 

“Holy fuck, you’re turning me on.”

“Open the door, Kai,” you urge. 

He finally does, but in the second you take to catch a breath, he’s back on you. He takes advantage of your state and slips his tongue in your mouth, no regard for anything but his and your pleasures. You go weak in his arms and let him explore, enjoying the feeling much more than you probably should. Then, he taps on your hips signaling for you to jump. You do, wrapping your legs around his waist. He carries you to the bed, finally, and throws you down rather roughly.

Immediately, panic takes over his face. “Shit, that was way harder than I meant to! You okay?”

You, on the other hand, can’t get a word out because you’re giggling too hard. 

“Y/N, are you okay?” He tries again.

“You’re so hot when you’re all dominant. Well, you’re always hot, but-” and then you continue to giggle. 

Kai relaxes, realizing he didn’t hurt you. “Oh you little-” he climbs on top of you until he’s hovering over your face. Legs tangle together, bodies close but not close enough… You buck your hips. There, now they’re close enough. “You’ve been wanting this,” he observes, fighting back a moan at the contact. 

“Yes, but also, your comfort is my number one priority. It’s much better now, with you enjoying it too, than if we were to try when you weren’t ready.”

“Thank you, princess,” he kisses your nose sweetly. 

“Thank you for trusting me. One thing though.”

“Mhm?”

“Do you trust me right now?”

“Of course.”

“Good.” Without further warning, you grab his wrists and flip him over so that his back is pressed into the bed. It’s the first time you’ve ever been on top of him, and the power makes you giddy. 

“I thought you liked me being dominant?”

“Oh, I do. But I also want to see you writhe under me,” you wink at him. 

Kai gives you a look, and you know he’s going to start fighting any minute now. It’s in his eyes, and you can feel his muscles under you tensing to build up the strength. In the last second before you think he’s going to try and take charge, your hand goes down to the outline forming in his jeans. All fight is immediately gone as soon as you start to feel him. He can’t even fight the moan he’s been holding back since you started making out downstairs. The sound spurs you on and you rub him harder.

“More, princess. Please.”

You move your legs to straddle him, hands going to his belt. “This okay?”

“Mhm.”

“Words, please.”

“What am I, five?”

You cock your head at him. “Words, or no further touching.”

“Princess,” he tries to buck his hips like you did, but you’re holding him down.

“Come on, Malachai.”

“Don’t use that name.”

“Mala-”

“Fine! Yes, please. It’s okay. Please.” You smirk, not expecting the begging, but loving it. “You little sadist.”

That only makes you love it more. Not wasting another second, your hands are undoing his belt. As much as you want to take it slowly, you’re both too excited to drag it out any longer. Besides, just by looking at him, you can see how hard he is, and you know you’re almost soaking your panties with wetness. 

“Wait,” he pants. 

You stop immediately. “You okay?”

“I need… I need. C’mere,” he beckons you forward, and you listen. “Need this off,” he pulls off your shirt. “And this,” next is your bra. The minute it’s off, he loses control and grabs your tits like he did in the bathroom a couple days earlier. Before you know it, he’s fondling one while the other’s in his mouth. 

“If mine is, this is coming off, too.” You make a grab for his shirt. He pauses, tongue still around your nipple. “Is that okay?”

“Yes,” he seems to decide in that instant. 

In order for you to pull the fabric over his head, he has to disconnect his mouth from your breast. But when it’s off, he swallows hard and doesn’t reach for them again.

“Kai… c’mon, pumpkin.” You take his hand to put it back on your body, trying to return that sense of comfort, but he doesn’t grasp your breast again. Sighing, you take it as a moment to get a closer look at his body. The bruises, the scars, everything. A tear escapes your eye, and you lean down to press a kiss to one of the purplish wounds. Then, you start to do that with all of them. From his neck to his hips, you kiss every mark made on his body, whether by his dad’s hand or his own. On the fresher ones, your lips are more gentle, barely there, not wanting to cause him more pain. But on the older ones, you leave multiple kisses, or even lick them with your tongue before kissing. “I meant it, Kai. You’re gorgeous. These marks don’t stop me from loving you.”

Slowly, he makes eye contact with you again. His hands reach out to your face, and when he gets a hold of you, he pulls you in for another deep kiss on his lips. “What did I do to deserve you?” He asks with a tear emerging.

“You don’t have to deserve love, baby.” You kiss his collarbone. 

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Your lips travel to his chest. Giving him a taste of his own medicine, you swirl your tongue around one of his nipples. He moans loudly, arching his back.

“Holy shit, I didn’t know that would feel that good.”

“Can I continue to make you feel things like that?”

“Yes, please. I need it, I need you. Wait, but let me-” he suddenly sticks two fingers into your wet heat, hovering over his own body, and pops them in his mouth. “You taste so good.”

“Are you gonna let me taste you now?”

“Sure. Yes. I meant yes.”

Your eyes warm and you continue to kiss him further down - this time, trailing his v-line. You had noticed the prominent indents the other day, but are now getting to see it up close. He moans again, enticing you more. 

“Princess.”

“I’m working on it.” Finally, you shrug his jeans down and off his body. You can tell he’s fighting the urge to hide his now-bare legs, but you opt to not pay attention to them anyway. Your gaze goes straight to the bulge in his boxers that looks even thicker without his jeans in the way. Mouth watering, you touch him first, enjoying the feeling. 

“Y/N, please. It’s uncomfortable. Too tight.”

Succumbing to his wishes, you tap his hips for him to lift them, then peel back the final confinement. His cock springs out, slapping his stomach in the process. You’re quick to lean forward and lick a stripe from the base to the tip. Kai sinks his head into the pillow, groaning huskily. After pulling his boxers all the way off, you refocus your attention back to the length in front of you. 

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous,” you mutter. The praise makes him twitch, and you immediately reach out to grasp him between two of your fingers. “Need to taste.” And then you finally do. You start at the tip, rolling your tongue over the slit counter clockwise, stimulating precum in the process. Some of it leaks into your mouth, straight down your throat, but most of it drips down the side of cock. It doesn’t get far, though, before you move your head to catch it, licking your way from the base to the tip, again. 

A shiver runs through his body. “Feels so good.” Barely audible, but you hear him. 

Positioning your head over him, you prepare to take him fully. To you, it’s a five second break of deep breaths, but to Kai, overwhelmed in pleasure, there’s almost no warning. As soon as you’re ready, you sink your mouth down on him until you get about halfway and your gag reflex kicks in. Cock hitting the back of your throat, you gag around him.

“Y/N, you okay?” He sits up on his elbows, worried he’d accidentally hurt you.

Slowly, you lift your head back up, “I’m good, baby. Just training my throat to take you.”

He swallows so hard that you see his Adam’s apple bob. “Oh, um…” He doesn’t lay back down, opting to watch you instead. 

You don’t mind as you go down for a second time, getting further now. You do it several times, taking more and more of him each time. Your tongue swirls around his length and traces his veins. In fact, there’s one vein in particular that especially makes Kai moan every time you hit it. It’s on the underside of his cock, and you start to pay special attention to it. The rest of his length sits against your face as you focus on it.

Kai doesn’t know if the sight or the feeling is affecting him more. Either way, he feels himself getting close to release. Your mouth is around him, head bobbing up and down rapidly, when he twitches. He whines, resisting the urge to hold your head where he wants. Suddenly, though, you stop and remove your mouth completely. 

“Fuck, wait, I’m about to…”

“I know, pumpkin. Can’t let you do that yet.”

He’s about to ask why, but then sees his answer. In one quick motion, you’re removing your own pants and lining your bodies together. “Ready?”

“Mhm. Yes.”

You smile, grab his cock to hold it upright, then sink your heat down onto him. Kai collapses, elbows no longer supporting him, as pleasure consumes him.

“You okay?”

“Yes, oh- oh god.”

“Can I move? I’ll start slow.”

“Please.”

As promised, you slowly begin to ride his length. Your hands rest on either side of his body and lips are pressed to his chest, leaving hot kisses all over his skin. 

“Let me know if you want to try and take over.”

“Okay.”

When Kai starts to relax, you pick up the pace. Not too fast, but little by little. Soon, his hands find your hips and he helps guide you. His fingers have a tight grip on you, but it only makes you wetter. 

“I think, I wanna… wanna try…”

“Want to be on top, angel?”

“Mhm.”

“Okay. You can just flip us or I can move, what are you feeling?” But the hungry look in his eyes already gives you your answer.

As soon as you nod and grab onto his shoulders, he flips the both of you so that you’re now pressed into the bed. With his usual role re-established, so does his dominance. You open your legs wider to give him more access, and he immediately takes advantage of it. With a lick of his lips, he pushes his cock into you, not stopping until he’s run out of length. 

“Oh my god,” you mutter. 

“Is it too much?”

“No, you’re perfect. Move when you’re ready, mmkay?”

He nods, then copies the way you rode him when he begins to move: arms on your side, head ducked into your chest. His lips attach to your nipples, sucking, and pulling them between his teeth. When he gets a hold of his balance, you feel pressure on your clit, too. 

“Fuck, Kai. You’re so good.”

His body jolts, “say it again.”

“What?”

“Name. Say it again.”

“Kai,” you pant as he quickens pace.

“No one else is home baby, say it louder.”

You had forgotten this fact, actually, but the minute he reminds you, you let yourself go. “Fuck,” you moan, rather loudly, “feels so good, Kai! Fuck. Harder.”

He spreads your legs wider and thrusts harder upon request. Obscene sounds fill the room, mixed with your moans and whimpers.

“Kai,” you pant, “need to hear you, too.”

“I’d rather hear you, Princess.”

“Aw, come on, gorgeous. Nothing turns me on more than men moaning,” you admit. “Need to hear you.”

Previously held-back grunts and groans tumble from his mouth at your confession. When his lips return to your nipple, he makes sure to keep up with your request, sending vibrations throughout your body. 

“I’m close, Kai. So close, so close… don’t stop what you’re doing.”

“I’m getting there, too,” he twitches again. “Come for me, Princess.”

As soon as he asks, your orgasm rips through your body. Loud moans follow, and your eyes roll back in your head. Kai rides you through yours, before pulling out and immediately releasing all over your face and chest. Some drips off your shoulders, down to the bedsheets.

The minute he catches his breath, a worried expression takes over his face, “I’m sorry! I knew I shouldn’t do it inside you, but wasn’t sure where else to. I aimed for your chest and misfired.”

You make direct eye contact with him, then swipe a bunch off your cheek with your finger before sucking it off. “Oh, I’ll never complain about a facial.” You dart your tongue out to the side to gather more. “And don’t worry, I kinda like the taste. How the hell were you a virgin, Kai?! You were amazing the whole way through!”

He blushes, “um, thank you.”

You can’t help but giggle. Only Kai would be sweet enough to thank you for complimenting his sexual ability. Your ex-boyfriend, to whom you had lost your virginity, threw you an, “I know,” when you told him he was good. This little fact just made you love Kai even more. 

Then, as if he couldn’t get more perfect, his next words are, “can I clean you up now, Princess? And then we can cuddle and nap?”

“Of course. Give me a kiss first.”

Kai leans forward and kisses you sweetly. His tongue sweeps over your bottom lip, wetting it gently. 

“Blood,” he comments.

“Hm?”

“There’s blood on your lip.”

You run your own tongue along it, “must’ve bit it in pleasure.”

“I’ll be right back, okay?” He pulls on a loose pair of sweatpants from his drawer, giving you a wink. 

“Okay, darling.”

Two minutes later, Kai returns with a warm rag and a water bottle. First, he cleans the small sore and any remaining blood off your lip, then hands you the bottle. “Drink,” he insists. As you do, he moves the rag over your face and down your neck and chest, cleaning off his drying cum. He rubs your lower body next, easing some of the soreness as well as wiping away your cum. “Anywhere else?”

“No, I’m okay. Do you need anything?”

“Just you,” he sappily replies. 

“Okay, come here then.” Arms wide open, you gather him up and pull him close. You take a hand away for a split-second to pull the blankets over you two, earning a whine before he realizes what you’re doing. As soon as your arm is back around him, he snuggles into your body. “I love you, Kai,” you whisper with your lips against his cheek.

“I love you, too, Princess. Thank you for making me feel like I’m worth something to someone.” 

As much as his words sadden you, they also make you feel warm inside. You’re the one that makes him feel that way, and that’s pretty fucking special. 

“Always, my sweetheart.” You give him a kiss to the cheek, keeping your lips there even afterwards. His heartbeat slows into a comfortable rhythm and breathing evens out, and soon, he’s fast asleep in your arms. 

[sanscat0414]

“You Want to Cuddle Me?”

Hawks x Clingy reader

Scenario: Hawks comforts you about your insecurity in physical affection. Cuddles lots of cuddles.

You were always insecure about being to clingy. Sure you family didn’t mine you coming up randomly for a hug or a small kiss on the forehead but they never really initiated any physical contact by themselves after you grew up. Your friends always pushed you off whenever you tried to hugged them, telling you to stop acting like a child. Your ex’s thoughts your clinginess was cute at first but started to think you were annoying. You ended up breaking up with him because he like a girl who constantly wanted affection. You had always shown your love through physical affection and contact but often times than not the people around you only found you annoying or incredibly clingy. This led you your insecurities around clinging to on or people.

You been with Hawks for a month now, and you were always the one who first offered cuddles or kisses. You always held yourself back form just running up to him to cuddle and feel his warmth. You would always kelp the cuddle time to a minimum and restraining yourself to only less than 10 kisses a day. You were afraid to scare him off with your overly cuddly personality. Sure Hawks was busy but he always to make time to spend with you even it if just a small movie date. You really loved him and the last thing you want to do was make him uncomfortable.

Today was a day off for the hero. He had originally planned to let you plan out your date like always but wanted to do something for you too. Hawks wanted to have a date he planned and make you happy. He had thought about this for a long time, what would be your perfect date?

Hawks started the morning off by making breakfast for himself and getting dressed to go to your place. He went to a couple of shops before heading to your place. As he flew to your place he texted you.

H: Hey feather, I’m coming over now.

y: Morning! Can’t wait to see you!

H: me too~

Like alway he would enter through the balcony door. You greeted him by running to your living room but you restrained yourself form hugging him immediately.

“Hey Kei! So you what did you plan for today?” You said happily.

He smirks sand proudly proclaims “a cuddle date! I thought about taking you out to fancy place but the I realized you probably get uncomfortable like how you got uncomfortable at the dinner date I suggested last time. So I bought your favorite snacks a few games and a movie we can watch while we cuddle and stuff.”

You looked at Hawks stunned at his cuddle date proposal. It’s not like your ex’s never liked cuddles but whenever you do cuddle they alway brushed you off after an hour or so. To have Hawks purpose something was a pleasant surprise to you.

“You want to… cuddle me?” You said timidly.

“Yeah? Whats wrong you don’t like the idea? If so we can go out probably for lunch or the arcade or whatever you want.” Hawks said worriedly.

“No is not that…” you said looking away form him.

“Then what’s the matter?” Hawks asked as he walked closer to you.

“It’s just…..” you didn’t know what to say.

Hawks guide you to the couch and sat down with you. He waited patiently as you gathered your thoughts.

“Feather~ you can talk to me okay?”

“You don’t find me too clingy? With cuddles and stuff?”

“No, it’s adorable actually. I like being cuddled by you. It feels like home, growing up I never really had that kind of connection with others not even with my mom. It’s nice.” Hawks said as he lifted you chin up to look at him.

“You don’t mind me randomly cuddling you? Or giving you kisses out of nowhere?”

“Not at all feather. Now would you tell me what gave you that idea?” He said and planted a kiss on your forehead.

“Everyone thinks Im too clingy. That I act like a child whenever I ask for hugs or just hold hands. They always just pushed me off.”

“Is that why you always stop cuddling after an hour or two?”

You nodded and looked away feeling the intensity of the way hawks was looking at you. You suddenly felt yourself being lifted up only to be placed done on hawks lap. You blushed as he held on to you nuzzling into the back of you neck.

“Babybird~ I would never find you clingy. I love you just the way you are. I love your cuddled and kisses. I don’t care when or how you do it as long as I get to spend time with you. I don’t mind you being clingy in fact I think I like being clingy to.” Hawks said “I wanna be close to you to, so please don’t hold yourself back form cuddles, kisses, holding hands and everything in between.”

“Kei, you’re the sweetest.”

“Your sweeter for alway being there when I need you. I love coming to your place and just being able to hold you like this.”

You smile and turned around straddling him. You give him a kiss and nuzzled him and got comfortable with your head in the nook of his neck. You lived feeling his warmth and having him cuddle you back.

You two spend the rest of the day clinging on to each other watching movies and playing games. It was the perfect date for you and him.

[jewish-vents]

Self harm warning

I finally broke down and relapsed tonight. 2 years clean down the drain. I’m not going to lie, part of it is that I’m so fucking tired of no one taking my pain seriously. I’m not fully completed reform conversion yet but I’ve lost so many friends. I have to see childhood friends who previously comforted me about antisemitism post things which imply or state I deserve it. That my pain doesn’t matter. My pain isn’t real and maybe it never was.

My partner won’t take it seriously, they keep telling me “they don’t know what they’re saying. They dont mean you. Just talk to them.” I CAN’T. I’ve already had the ones I tried talking to tell me my pain is lesser. Me getting called slurs and told i have no culture, that i’m either the worst kind of white person or that I’m not white but nothing else either. A third worst thing. Saying I want peace for everyone in the region somehow translates to saying I want ethic supremacy and I’ve never faced “true” racism?

My jewish family and I have no contact right now. My local community is on lockdown or packing up. I can’t see anything about Judaism or Jewish people or politics without feeling like I’m about to have a heart attack with a stone crushing my chest. I can’t go anywhere online and I’m terrified to leave my house. My queer “support” is gone so I’m practically closeted again. Everything I tried to build up or wanted is gone or changed because of some fucking countries I don’t live in.

Maybe if my pain is visible people will give a shit, maybe at least if I can point to my new scars and go “this is how antisemitism affects me.” I can at least make them uncomfortable and fuck off. They’re screaming for my blood anyways. The physical pain is a distraction from the mental pain. I’m sorry this is heavy but I can’t stop angry crying. I’ve been dissociating and trying to be good and unwavering. I coudl’mt do it anymore.

.

[payattentiontothescreen]

Bridgerton Rewatch S1E4 - An Affair of Honor

Here we go with episode 4! Just as a warning before getting into this one, I was kinda high when I watched this episode so my notes are pretty incoherent. I’ll do my best to interpret them.

When Daphne and Violet go to the palace, there are those upper-crust dumbasses calling Daphne a commoner. Obviously that’s a pretty crazy thing to say about the Bridgertons but that’s how everyone at court sees them. Once you get to the absolute top of society, the family of a viscount is basically destitute. It just proves how Daphne would never have fit into this part of society.

I’ll talk more about the necklace later but for now I just need to say that it looks insanely uncomfortable.

Alice Mondrich comes in swinging during Simon’s pity party before the boxing match. She’s so great, I can’t wait to see more of her in season 3.

It’s funny but also sad that everyone is so confused when Mr. Finch comes calling for Philippa. It’s like no one actually believed in the girls’ abilities to attract anyone. It’s not unfounded, but it still sucks.

Some of the greatest dramatic irony in this show comes when you watch the first season after learning Lady Whistledown’s identity. Eloise talks about how much she admires LWD because she doesn’t spend her nights “simpering at the edge of a ballroom” (not the exact quote but still). Little does she know that LWD/Penelope does exactly that almost every night, which is why she has the information she does.

I have a feeling that there’s gonna be one really strange outing per season. This season was the boxing date with Daphne and Friedrich. Like, it makes sense in context but imagine having a conversation about kids and what kind of family you’re looking for in the middle of a boxing match.

Daphne staring at Simon’s forearms will always make me chuckle. Those forearms got my girl dizzy, it’s hilarious.

I will be saying this a lot but I think Benedict and Henry should have kissed. I remember watching the show for the first time and being very disappointed that they didn’t kiss. Every time I go back, part of me hopes that it’ll be different this time but I know it won’t.

The art of background acting is so underrated. I had this noted at the point when Anthony tells Daphne that Friedrich asked for permission to propose. Claudia Jessie isn’t technically a part of the scene but she is still in character, acting her heart out as Eloise. The facial expressions are killer, it’s amazing. 

The scene where Daphne admits to Violet that everything between her and Simon was “fake” is so good. You can tell that Daphne is trying to convince herself of everything she’s telling her mother as if it’s fact. The hurt and desperation is so present, it’s crazy.

I have a lot of thoughts on high society racial integration part of Bridgerton’s world but writing about it here would completely derail this post. That’s gonna have to come later.

The mood whiplash coming for Benedict after Henry tells him that second sons have all the fun is gonna hit him like a freight train.

I get so much secondhand embarrassment from Eloise confronting Mrs. Wilson about Lady Whistledown. I take my headphones off during that scene, the cringe is too much.

Colin is so in love with Penelope and so clueless about it. I am so looking forward to him finally realizing his feelings.

So we have made it outside of the Trowbridge Ball and here is where I talk about the necklace. This gift absolutely had to be a necklace. Nothing else would have shown how suffocated she felt by Friedrich’s affections. When she took it off, she breathed like it was physically choking her. That imagery is so powerful, especially with Simon watching Daphne release herself from the grasp of the prince.

Simon here bugs me because he’s practically talking Daphne out of marrying Friedrich when he knows it’s the best course of action. He’s getting in her head while ignoring the fact that he will refuse to marry her. Like, what was he actually trying to accomplish? I understand that this is why Simon and Daphne get married but he gets under my skin a little bit here.

Quick little side note, I don’t know if this is a cinematography thing or weird direction that didn’t play out on camera but Simon and Daphne getting it on in the garden looks so awkward and uncomfortable? To me, at least. I didn’t find it very sexy, just awkward.

And thus begins my favorite part of season one, the wild melodrama of the duel. I don’t know how they managed it because the situation is bad and the stakes are real but it still plays out very over the top. I love it so much.

We have made it to the point in the first season where Marina becomes kind of shitty. It gets worse later on but here is where we start to see it.

“Not everyone can be a pretty Bridgerton” may be harsh, but it’s true. It’s more present in the second season but Eloise doesn’t actually understand her position. She is a member of the family with some of the most social capital in the ton and it is largely because of their looks. All this to say that the Bridgertons are pretty privilege incarnate.

Something I love about Simon and Will’s friendship is how much is said without words. It shows how well they know each other in such a great way.

This is what I wrote down: “Addiction is a disease but Lord Featherington is a fuckhead.” I don’t think I need to elaborate on that one.

I’ve been trying to avoid talking too much about Siena because I’m not a fan of her storyline but it’s wild to me that she gets upset when Anthony leaves for the duel. He literally told her that he was dueling at dawn. That’s why he was there, that’s why she let him in. Why is she making a face about it now? This is something else that I could be misinterpreting but it just stood out as I was watching.

The duel is so good. It’s so extra and overdramatic. I know it wasn’t meant to be but let’s be honest, no one was gonna die. So it just reads as so over the top to the outside observer. At least to me, it does.

I don’t know how much there actually is to say about it but something that stood out to me was the way the conversations with the seconds went. Anthony has very clear instructions for Benedict and makes sure that he knows them, even once they’ve already gone through the whole thing. When Will asks if Simon wants him to make any arrangements, Simon tells him that his affairs are in order and nothing else. If that doesn’t say a lot about their family lives, I don’t know what does.

Something that I always notice when I watch Daphne getting shot at is the reactions. Simon runs for her as soon as the horse bucks. Anthony runs for her when she falls. There’s a lot of things that could say but I’m not gonna assign a specific interpretation here because I can’t decided on one.

My final note on this episode was “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss” and I think that’s a very fitting end to this notes session.

As we get closer to season 3, I'm concerned that I won't be able to watch the whole thing beforehand but let's see.

[vizthedatum]

I think a lot of my ex-partners, whether they were neurotypical or neurodivergent, have been puzzled by my spiky profile as an autistic adult.

Not that I knew I was autistic in my twenties… but I have had difficulties with executive functioning and adaptive functioning for as long as I’ve been alive.

It often caused my ex-partners to either lose trust in me or start treating me completely differently… often causing me to feel even more frustrated and uncomfortable. Often leading to even more skill regression or shutdown.

I don’t know what a lot of my needs are (I’m figuring it out now!) - I admittedly haven’t taken the best care of myself because I was masking so hard.

I was trying to fit in so badly. And I was wearing myself down by trying to excel in my academic programs because often my academic skills seemed to be the only thing I could reliably count on (but even then, when my health got worse, that got affected due to energy constraints).

My trauma and hyper vigilance allows me to see and viscerally feel when people are getting upset with me. Sometimes I feel like people only realize I’m neurodivergent when it interferes with their life…

But I’m living it. I’m living in a world that often can’t accommodate my needs - sensory, emotional, or otherwise.

I get by because I feel like I’m “hacking life.” But in essence I’m always striving for goals that I may or may not be able to accomplish… and feeling anxious the whole time. People often don’t trust my methods unless I obscure them. Then they’ll see the end result and give me praise.

And if I can’t perform? I’m subject to abuse, outright silent treatment, ridicule, and rejection.

So I wired myself to be praise-seeking from early childhood… it was one of the ways I would not get beaten or punished/bullied by my family and peers.

It was how I’d keep down a job or a place in my program.

—

I don’t want to be praise-seeking anymore.

And I don’t want to put up with people who literally can’t understand why my needs evolve so dramatically with my environment.

My body is so sensitive and while it seems like I’m resilient to a lot, I’m not.

I also have communication and processing issues - regardless of how smart I am or how well I’m doing at a particular task.

I need a lot of clarity. I need emotional validation. I need physical support. I need space. I need to take up space. I need environments that encourage flow-state. I need compassion. I need safe spaces to meltdown and not be judged. I need to stim. I need patience without anger or control. I need patience when I feel like things are going out of control.

I don’t want to constantly flare. I don’t care if people think I’m being “selfish” by prioritizing my needs - I WILL LITERALLY PEE BLOOD IF I DO NOT.

[xsezzie]

You already know Alhaitham and Kaveh for the ask game! 👀

Thank you Sezzie! 💖

~ cute anon

YES OF COURSE CUTE ANON heheheh

1. on a scale of 1-10, how ticklish are they? I would say Kaveh is a 10, while Alhaitham is a 7-8 depending on who is trying to tickle him hehe

2. where is their most ticklish spot(s)?

Kaveh: Upper back, ankles, feet, stomach, bellybutton

Alhaitham: Lower back, armpits, back of knees, his ribs and stomach can be a bit ticklish too hehe 3. which spots are they not ticklish?

Alhaitham’s upper back isn’t that ticklish, he finds it very relaxing if tickled there, also his stomach is only ticklish for certain people Kaveh

Kaveh is a walking tickle spot but his shoulders aren’t too ticklish and his chest isn’t either

4. what is their laugh like?

Kaveh starts off with the deeper laugh but it gets more high pitched the longer you tickle him and depending on the spot

Alhaitham has a bit of a raspy/wheezy type of laugh, he does his best to sound normal but after a while he gets a bit squeaky 💕

5. do they enjoy tickling? if yes, is it a fun platonic/familial thing, or kinky thing to them, or can it be both depending on the circumstance?

I think it’s more of an affectionate thing between them. Alhaitham would never tickle anyone else. Kaveh will tickle others on occasion, like if he’s playing with young kids or his other friends, though with the latter he gets scared because he knows they will retaliate and wreck him 👀

6. are they more often a lee or ler, generally?

These two are big switches in my mind LOL

7. who is someone in their life that they tickle often?

Each other 😂 Though for Kaveh he tickles others on occasion such as Cyno and Tighnari (if he wants to suffer)

8. who is someone in their life that they get tickled by often?

Again, each other. BUT Kaveh gets tickled by anyone… Tighnari, Cyno, Faruzan, Collei, even Layla dared to try once 😂

I feel like Alhaitham doesn’t have anyone else, but maybe he’s somewhat piqued the interest of Nahida 💀 9. does the word “tickle” or any variation of embarrass them?

Not on it’s own, but in the situation it will, like if they are being all tickly and the one says something like “tickle tickle tickle” or “oh are you ticklish?” Or something like that they’re 😳😳 10. are they embarrassed about their ticklishness, and do they try to deny/hide it?

Alhaitham is good at hiding because he doesn’t want people touching him, but he will sometimes playfully hide it from Kaveh to annoy him 💕

Kaveh can’t hide it at all but he’s a bit embarrassed by it! 11. would gentle tickling or rough tickling affect them more?

Gentle for Kaveh, rough for Alhaitham. Although both are effective on each of them. Alhaitham gets super annoyed that gentle tickling gets him and melts and just turns into a cat when gentle tickled. Rough tickling on Kaveh might get you a knee or elbow 😶 12. is there a specific spot that they enjoy being tickled, either exclusively or more than other spots? what is it?

Kaveh is too ticklish for a relaxing spot but on the rare occasion he can handle his tummy being rubbed 🥰

Alhaitham LOVES being traced on his upper back/neck :3 13. is there a spot that they can’t stand to be tickled, either because it’s just too sensitive, or it’s uncomfortable/painful/etc? what is it?

The middle of Kaveh’s back, that bit right between the shoulder blades (which is conveniently exposed by his outfit hehe) he doesn’t mind it if it’s Alhaitham but overall it gets too much and he squeals and laughs too hard

Alhaitham doesn’t like his thighs being touched, even by Kaveh. Something about it makes him uncomfortable. As for too sensitive, he’s embarrassed about his ears being ticklish hehe 👀 14. would they ever purposefully bug a friend/partner/sibling into tickling them, and if so, how would they go about it?

Yes. Kaveh for sure because that baby girl loves it when Alhaitham wrecks him. He would probably be physical about it and lay on top of Alhaitham or do little things like blow on his ears, tickle his back, blow raspberries on his neck or something to bug him 😂

Alhaitham would never ever ask directly or really do anything, but Kaveh can tell if he is in a tickling mood because he’s more restless and may be prone to getting slightly irritated. Alhaitham either doesn’t realise or want to acknowledge that ticking is something he wants in those moments 😶 15. does teasing affect them?

Depends on the type. Kaveh will get a little embarrassed if it’s friends, and Alhaitham doesn’t react at all and keeps his cool. But if it’s the two of them with each other… it’s on 💀

Alhaitham especially gets embarrassed if Kaveh tries to baby talk him and say things like “Aww is the scribe ticklish?” etc. Alhaitham is all “you don’t need to remind me like that!” 😋

Kaveh will constantly be telling Alhaitham to shut up even if he’s not talking. All Alhaitham has to do is look at him and he’s like 😳

[deaths]

eeeeeeeeee uh i dont know i needed to get this out of me. thoughts on That Part in shadowlands that makes me want to rip my hair out and eat it. but also some lustarion.

the cursed shadow lands were taking its toll. after finding arabella, that sweet tiefling girl in the village who they had returned to her parents, only a week later to have her parents be dead a week later… it was too much for lumina. the first thing lumina felt in his life he did out of kindness without reward had turned to ruin without mercy. lumina had told arabella to follow him and his party back to camp that night, stating he didn’t see her parents yet, but hopefully they’ll find them through lying teeth.

lumina couldn’t bear to be around arabella, even as everyone else seemed to dote on her that night, aware of her parents passing. lumina went to the edge of camp, looking out at the surrounding quiet darkness. he felt a sinking in his stomach anytime he thought about that poor girl, her family, how he was hopeless in it all, idly playing with the matching set of wedding rings he had found on a long-gone pair of skeletons in the nearby graveyard.

he looked over at astarion, who was staring daggers at the back of his head. he never was one to mope, but here he was. “yeah, i know, mad i let her stay?” he puts up a dismissive hand and a weak defensive smile.

astarion crosses his arms, “why would you assume that? can’t i simply be worried about my helpful darling being all doom and gloom?” noticing the small frown taking over lumina’s face, he sighs, taking a seat on the ground next to him. “why didn’t you tell her the truth?” he says in a curious whisper.

lumina fidgets his hands in his pockets, feeling around the rings, reflexively tightening his jaw. “look at her, astarion. for gods sake.” his voice waivers, feeling the pressure sink into him. “i’m doing fucking everything i can right now, please, let her be blissfully unaware for a moment. i can’t do everything right.” he chokes out, his claws digging slightly into his own flesh.

astarion’s face becomes a nervous frown, “i would never- i would never ask you to do everything right. that’s not what i meant.” he instinctively moves closer, his hands inching to search for any physical way to release his lover’s pain. “i am worried about you, that is the main thing i’m worried about. you… you keep,” he rests his hand lumina’s hand. “hurting yourself. for others sake.”

he flashes a grimace before sinking it truly in, all this was getting to him, it was all too much to handle. what happened to selfish heartless lumina who left people dead on the streets? what happened to the backstabber that lied to make ends meet? why was seeing people dead and forgotten affecting him so badly? he can feel his throat tightening, as if he is going to cry, but only a pained groan comes out of his mouth. astarion looks at him in surprise, but there is undoubtedly empathy in those eyes.

“it’s… fine if you need to cry, dear.” it feels uncomfortable to say something he wouldn’t like hearing anyone say to him, but that’s all astarion knows how to say now. the out of place-ness of it makes lumina give a half smile. “that’s much better, more,” astarion gives a vague hand gesture with a disarming smile. “you.”

lumina rests his face on his hands, he could almost laugh from the strangeness and overwhelming emotional change. “fuck, that was stupid.” he peaks over at astarion with a uneasy smile. “it’s getting to me, being in this gloomy darkness.” he digs through his pockets, fishing out the wedding rings he found, roughly placing them in astarion’s palms. “throw these off a cliff or something.”

he eyes them, a small grin forming on his face. “hm, that idea seems more stupid than anything you said before.” he notices the magical aura around the rings. “i wasn’t planning on doing this so quickly, but you leave me no choice. give me your hand. i will not take no for an answer.” he says playfully. lumina’s eyes grow wide as he freezes up, “that’s,” he looks at him surprised, but puts his hand out on instinct.

astarion puts a ring around his pointer finger, “this isn’t, that, but, well.” lumina feels the magical connection between the rings as astarion puts his on.

lumina laughs loudly, and wholeheartedly, “oh my gods. i was so worked up in my own shit i didn’t even,” he fidgets with the ring. “warding spell? through the rings? pretty smart.”

“i want to protect you, like you protect me.” astarion clears his throat, feeling embarrassed he admitted that outright with no layered witty. “stop- feeling bad for yourself, the others miss you.” he quickly gets to his feet towards the camp, lumina following after with a grin.

[chaotic-super]

For Her Sake - Chapter 9

Read For Her Sake on AO3 here!

Since Lena accidentally fell into her lap, Kara has been able to finally relax a little, the tension broken in that one silly moment.

There’s no more awkwardness or uncertainty in their movements, both women are now significantly more relaxed knowing that they can laugh off anything that happens for the rest of the night.

Lena’s on her third glass of wine while Kara is just pouring her fourth, gently placing the rest of the bottle on the coffee table for when Lena wants her next refill. “My god, this is good stuff. “

“Probably, I can’t really tell the difference with wines.”

“What do you mean?”

“I could drink a seven-dollar bottle of wine just as quickly as a seven-thousand bottle of wine. I can’t taste the difference. It’s just wet and helps me relax.”

Kara snickers under her breath. “That’s what she said.”

Lena’s mouth drops open. “Did you just…? Oh god. Oh my god.” She breaks down into giggles fuelled by her relaxed wine brain.

Kara can’t keep her own laughter at bay. Her joke wasn’t that funny to begin with but with Lena cackling away, it suddenly feels like she should win an award for how funny it is and now she’s practically rolling on the couch in laughter.

“I can’t believe you just said that,” Lena grins at Kara over the top of her wine glass.

“Honestly, I can’t either.” Kara smiles back at her. “I think it’s obvious I don’t drink much that I’m this affected by a few glasses.”

Lena’s eyes soften from their previous rambunctious, joyous gleam. “I don’t think that’s a bad thing, it’s more of an issue if it’s the other way around. I’ve been trying to cut back on my drinking for years but haven’t had too much luck with it.”

“Why?” Kara tilts her head as she asks it, curiosity getting the better of her.

“Why do I drink so much or why haven’t I been able to cut back?”

“Both.”

Lena lets out a harsh sigh, one from the bottom of her chest where she stores away her darkest feelings. “I guess there’s no simple answer to either of those questions. There are a lot of factors that play into it and a lot more excuses as to why I allow myself to justify each and every one of those factors and how I let them have a hold over me.”

“We don’t have to talk about it if you aren’t comfortable doing so, you know? I don’t want you to be uncomfortable for the sake of me and my nosiness.” Kara’s voice is soft and light as she gives Lena an out.

Lena shakes her head. “No, I’m alright, truly.” She takes a stuttering breath. “I started drinking as soon as my parents sent me to boarding school at seventeen, it started as my way to rebel against them and the overwhelming pressure they put on me to be the perfect daughter. After a while, it was just a way to cope, usually with the loneliness at the end of the day. My family are not good people, they backstab and lie and destroy anything that gets in their way. Nobody would dare be in my life because of that, even when I was just a teenager trying to make my way in the world, innocent of the actions of my family.”

“I had no idea, I’m sorry.” Kara knows what it’s like to have disappointment in the actions of her family. She’s felt it before, she’s lived it. “You don’t have much contact with them now, do you?”

“No, not anymore.” Lena’s lips curve into a sad smile. “Not much anyway, only that which I can’t avoid. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the effects of their actions though. To this day, if I want to be able to sleep at night I have to pay reparations to the victims of their deluded plans and backstabbing tendencies, my life is spent trying to get investors to trust me when they have already been screwed over by either my brother or mother in the past. Hell, some of them remember the shady things my father did back when he was alive too. The emotional weight of that is much worse than the physical effort I have to put into it. Sometimes, the only way I can let go of it is to have a drink or two at the end of the day.”

Kara nods slowly. “I might not fully understand it all, I don’t think anyone can unless they have lived through what you have, but I do get it as much as someone looking from the outside in can get it.”

Lena’s lips press together tightly, her emotions bubbling up and making her want to cry, something she’s desperate not to do. She already just dumped a load of her emotional baggage at Kara’s feet with no real explanation for why she did that. She never talks about any of this stuff so she’s not sure why she told Kara. “I appreciate that.

“Do you want to stop drinking?”

“Yes and no,” Lena answers honestly. “I have maybe two drinks every day. I know that it’s not a massive amount in the grand scheme of things but I would probably drink more if I wasn’t so tired that I fall asleep after those two, and that scares me. I don’t want to be dependent on anything, especially not alcohol. That’s what killed my father.”

Kara’s not sure if she’s overstepping and that makes her nervous. “Have you taken steps to try and quit or is that the hurdle you’re working on?”

“I’m scared to try.” The admission sits heavy in the air.

Kara leans over to put her glass on the table and scoots closer to where Lena’s curled up on the other side of the couch. She doesn’t say a word. She just slowly and tentatively wraps her arms around the brunette that is keeping her hands clenched into tight fists to stop them from shaking.

Lena tenses under the gentle embrace at first but she doesn’t pull away so Kara just keeps holding her, her touch light and comforting, pressing just enough that Lena can feel her presence but not so much that it stops her from being able to pull away at the first sign of Lena being uncomfortable.

The sign never comes though and they end up entwined in that embrace for several minutes, Kara only pulling back when the tension in her back from the way she’s hunched over to hug Lena becomes too much. She parts with a squeeze of Lena’s arm and a tiny smile.

As she settles back into her seat on the other side of the couch and grabs her glass again, she notices a slight red flush on Lena’s cheeks.

“Thank you, Kara. I needed that.”

“Hugs can’t solve every problem, but they start the process quite nicely.” Kara murmurs. “It’s ok to be afraid.”

“I’ll have to face my fears at some point,” Lena says, her shoulders dropping in resignation. “I might as well try now. I guess I’m just scared that without the drinks, I’ll just end up sitting in here alone and sad, I don’t really like the places my brain can go to under those circumstances.”

Kara’s heart rate skyrockets, panic making her eyes widen a fraction. “Lena, do you think about hurting yourself?”

The silence that follows is thick and smothering. “No.”

“Are you sure?”

“I think about hurting my brother.”

“Oh.” Kara lets go of her panic.

Lena avoids Kara’s eyes, her gaze pinned on the window looking out over the city. “I don’t want to be a person that is fuelled by hate and revenge. Then I would be no better than my family, I would truly be one of them, a Luthor by nature as well as by name.”

“I’m suddenly realizing that my assumptions of you weren’t only misguided when we first met but that I was assuming things of you that I don’t think you could be guilty of doing if you tried.”

“What do you mean?”

Kara rejoices in the moment as Lena’s eyes meet hers again, the colour of which intrigue her to no end, the way they are green but take on a blueish tint in certain lights making her want to stare and stare and stare.

“I thought you were a heartless bitch, for the lack of a nicer term. I saw you as just another corporate asshole that only cares about making money and doesn’t care about anyone else or how much they are screwing them over. I don’t think you could hurt a fly and I certainly don’t think that you’re a heartless bitch now.”

Lena looks a little taken aback by the blunt words of Kara’s truth. “Oh, I didn’t realize I come off that way.”

“It’s not your model of corporate America that put that stereotype on every business owner. I’ve just never known anything about you so I grouped you under the umbrella of every other CEO that I’ve never met but heard terrible things about. I’m sorry for putting that stereotype on you, you didn’t deserve that.”  

Lena doesn’t really know how to respond to that because having someone actually be understanding and nice to her isn’t something that happens often and so she’s not particularly versed in the art of dealing with it when it happens or accepting it for what it is, selfless kindness.

She does the only thing she can think of, she leans into humour to get her out of what she sees to be a sticky situation, praying for the topic to change now. She might have been comfortable with talking about it earlier but she’s quickly growing more and more desperate to talk about something else, anything else.

“When you talk like that, I can almost forget you tried to kidnap me.” She says it with a smile and a little chuckle but Kara’s face drops and her heart sinks with it. The joke did not land.

Kara looks down in shame and embarrassment. She always felt guilty about what she did but there’s also always been a part of her that justified her actions, the part of her telling her that she was just doing what was best for her daughter and pushing away what trauma she caused Lena because Lori is her priority and that’s that. She’s ashamed that it’s taken Lena not only to help her but also for her to spend time with Lena and to talk to her properly to finally see her for who she is: a person. A person she neglected to treat as such.

“Lena, I can never apologize enough for what I did, or for the things I said to you that night. I excused everything I did and I even told you that I’d do it again given the chance. I was wrong to do that and I can’t even begin to make it up to you. I really am sorry.” Kara can’t bring herself to look at Lena. She can’t bring herself to look at her face and see the pain that Lena must be feeling be evident on her face.

Lena instantly feels guilty for her joke. She was trying to bring the mood up but instead ended up bringing it down and making Kara feel bad too, that wasn’t her goal and tonight was meant to be relaxing. Instead, it’s just been the pair of them trading a bunch of sad words while they sit on her couch that she’s used less than a dozen times since she bought it since she usually just hangs out in the kitchen in the hour she’s home before heading to bed.

“You don’t have to apologize, Kara.”

“That’s not true. I do have to apologize, I never acknowledged the trauma I was willing to put you through just to get ahead, instead, I made excuses and expected you to just accept them, all the while telling you that you’re the one with bad morals. It was really shitty of me.”

“I don’t think you’re shitty. I just think you’re a mother and to be a good one, sometimes you have to do selfish things. I don’t fault you, Kara. In fact, I really admire that about you.”

Kara shakes her head. “You shouldn’t. I tried to do something horrible to you.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Lena doesn’t let Kara continue on apologizing for something that she honestly would just rather forget about.

Kara nods.

“Are you here tonight because you feel guilty about what you tried to do, what you were lured into doing while in a vulnerable position yourself, or are you here because you want to be and we actually get along quite well?”

“Obviously the second one. I do think you’re kind of…ok.” Kara blushes, thinking back to her conversation with Alex when she admitted just an hour or two ago that she might have the tiniest of crushes on the CEO in front of her and trying to downplay it in her response. Instantly regretting her choice of adjective when she hears what her brain came up with.

Lena tries to suppress her smile. “Kind of ok?”

Kara shrugs, now bashful, “Anyone that can make my shy daughter fall asleep cuddled into their side gets that praise, everyone else is just meh.”

“Oh, so it’s high praise indeed?” Lena smiles toothily, happy to be reminded of the moment she woke up with Lori tucked into her, it was a moment that panicked her initially but makes her swoon to think about. She’s never really imagined herself a mother, never thought she could do a good enough job, but having a child tucked into her and feeling the way her little hands clutched at her clothes to keep her close made her long for it nonetheless, a yearning she’s never felt before.

“Most definitely.” Kara grins back at her.

“In that case, I should thank you…I think.” Lena looks over at Kara, amused and can’t help but let her eyes trace over her body, looking away quickly when she reaches Kara’s eyes again and realizes that she’s been caught.

After a moment, she dares to look back over at Kara again, only to find her now looking down at her phone. She types away a few times and a frown is now sat firmly on her brow. Lena panics, did she just make Kara so uncomfortable that she’s trying to find an exit strategy?

“Ms Grant is going to kill me tomorrow,” Kara says after a long minute.

“Why’s that?”

“I was meant to catch up on some work tonight, mostly scheduling stuff, I’ll probably be able to get a lot of it done if I head into work early enough tomorrow though so I’ll only get glared at for like, two days instead of a full week.” Kara shrugs.

Lena finds herself sporting a frown that matches the one that Kara was just displaying. “Did I drag you out when you were busy?”

Kara’s head is shaking in an instant. “No, no, it’s fine. It’s work that I should be paid overtime for anyway but always seems to go missing off my paycheque until I spend a week disputing it so it just saves me several hours of a headache in going through that again. I’ve been looking for a new job for months anyway, I’m just hoping that something will come by sooner or later.”

“They don’t pay you overtime?”

“They try not to, I end up having to fight with payroll every month because I always do extra hours they conveniently forget about and HR is kind of terrible at handling any of this stuff and they say that it must just be a mistake. There’s only a handful of people that go over their contracted hours so they just don’t pay us unless we fight them on it. They know that none of us make enough money for a lawyer to fight them so they don’t care too much about it.”

Lena looks stunned. “I had no idea there’s so much corruption in CatCo. Cat always seemed to be a pretty fair woman, I really didn’t expect this from her.”

Kara half-shrugs. “It’s not really Ms Grant, I know she’d fix it if I brought it up to her but she’s helped me quite a lot over the few years I’ve worked there, she’s been a real mentor to me in ways I didn’t know I needed and she’d be disappointed if I just ran to her every time I have a problem, I should be able to handle it myself.”

“I think you’re wrong about that, Kara. I think you should tell her what’s going on because there are people in her company that are putting her business at risk of being sued for wage theft, this isn’t something you can handle on your own and I get you don’t want to seem weak or unable to handle yourself but this is something you really need to talk to her about. It’s something I’d want my assistant to talk to me about.”

Kara stares down at her lap, contemplating her options and taking in Lena’s advice. “I suppose you’re right. I just can’t afford to lose my job over this. I’ve heard far too many horror stories about people getting fired for standing up for themselves like this and I have Lori to think of. I’ve always been able to get the money I’m owed eventually so I’ve never pushed it. I guess with Alex working now, I can afford to take the risk a little more.”

“Well, I think you should tell Cat and if any retaliation happens, I have a great lawyer on retainer I have no issues sending to back you up.” Lena finishes her glass and leans over to grab the bottle to refill it. She pauses as she started tipping the bottle, not letting any of the wine pour out of it. “Maybe it’s time we both take a leap of faith.”

She puts the bottle down and pushes the glass away.

“That sounds like a good idea.” Kara puts her glass down too, still half full. “I’m all about solidarity. Want to talk about something lighter now? We’ve kind of just fallen into a lot of heavy topics that kind of make my brain hurt.”

“That sounds amazing actually, want to watch something before we get you a cab home so you can get to work to handle your shit early tomorrow?”

“Yes, please, distract me from the upcoming storm,” Kara puffs out a breath to calm her a little, her heart racing from the very prospect of standing up for herself tomorrow.

-

A hand on Kara’s shoulder shakes her awake, startling her for a moment and making her flinch against her pillow. Her pillow that’s moving. Her pillow that is warm and tense beneath her face.

She forces her eyes open, half sitting up so she can see what’s wrong with the pillow she’s resting on.

Oh.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.” Kara’s eyes flit down to the thighs Kara just had her face resting on and unwinds her arms from around them, keenly aware of how she was practically holding Lena prisoner before.

Lena laughs quietly, looking down at her with a softness that Kara previously didn’t believe that a CEO could feel. “Don’t worry about it. The movie just finished and I didn’t have the heart to wake you up before that.”

“It’s a good job I’d already seen that movie a bunch of times before then, huh?”

“Yeah, I’m not surprised you fell asleep though, you looked exhausted.”

“Uh…thanks?”

Lena rushes to correct herself. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that in a bad way, just that you looked a little tired.”

“None taken.” Kara laughs, rubbing at her eyes. “I am pretty tired. I should probably head home.”

Lena nods, a little sadly. “Right, I’ll order you an Uber.”

“You sure?”

“I invited you, I’ll make sure you get home safe, it’s only fair.”

“Thanks for having me, Lena. I really enjoyed tonight, and as heavy as some of our conversations were, I think they really helped put things into perspective for me, so thank you for that as well.”

The corners of Lena’s mouth turn up. “Thanks for listening to my rich person problems too.” She wiggles her eyebrows as she says it, making Kara laugh.

“We should do this again.”

“We should.”

-

Kara walks to her desk nervously, her purse clutched in her hands as she moves, trying not to psych herself out too much and trying to trust in Lena’s advice. She’s right, she’s got to fix this issue, not just for herself, but for the other people that could be missing out on money they have earned and deserve.

She drops her purse beneath her desk, sets aside the coffees she picked up on the way here and opens up her laptop, ready to distract herself with scheduling. She managed to get some of it done while eating her cereal with a cup of coffee this morning so she’s actually achieved more than she thought she would but there is still a little more to do.

“Kiera!” Kara’s blood runs cold as she hears Ms Grant’s voice from across the bullpen.

She races to her feet, grabs her tablet and pulls up the schedules she’s already completed. “Good morning, Ms Grant.”

“My office.”

Ms Grant walks right past her, or rather, struts. She delicately lowers herself into her chair behind her big, fancy desk and plonks her glasses on the end of her nose. “Kiera, where’s my coffee?”

Kara rushes back to her desk to get the coffees she forgot to pick up before she followed her boss into her office. “Sorry, Ms Grant, here you go.”

Cat takes it grumpily. “Please tell me the scheduling is done.”

“Most of it, Ms Grant, I have three days’ worth of schedules completed and I’m working on getting the rest finished now,” Kara says, her voice slightly timid, especially so in the wake of Ms Grant’s looming glare.

“I’m sure I pay you enough for the scheduling to be done, Kiera.” Ms Grant stares at her over the top of her black-framed glasses, her eyes piercing into Kara harshly.

Kara fights the urge to fidget beneath that look. “Um, Ms Grant, that’s actually something I need to talk to you about.”

“Kiera, do you seriously think now is the time to be asking for a pay rise? Right after you just informed me that you haven’t completed the work you were assigned?”

“Ms Grant, I’m not asking for a pay rise. There’s something else.”

“Well, spit it out then.” Cat slams her glasses off her face and onto the desk, frustrated not only by the conversation but by the pile of folders sitting on the corner of her desk that taunt her because she knows how much work she’s got to do. “I don’t have all day.”

Kara clears her throat. “For the past five months, I’ve had to dispute every single one of my paycheques because none of my overtime hours are being reimbursed unless I fight for them. I believe this is happening to quite a few people too.”

“Excuse me?”

“At first I thought it was just a mistake but as time went on and it kept happening, it became more obvious that it’s being done purposefully.” Kara further explains, her eyes pinned on Cat’s desk because she’s afraid to meet her eyes.

Kara only dares to look up when she sees Cat throw her face into her hands in frustration out of her peripheral vision. “What the fuck do those idiots think they’re playing at?” Cat storms to her feet and marches right past Kara, leaving her standing there awkwardly with Ms Grant now out of the room.

After a hesitant moment, Kara decides to follow her and quickly speed-walks in the direction of the payroll and HR floor, aware that Ms Grant is probably headed there.

She catches up with her just as she’s storming out of the elevator and she wobbles on her short heels from how quickly she just raced down the stairs.

“Ms Grant—”

She’s ignored, Cat’s eyes filled with fire as she storms into the office of the head of payroll.

“What in the fuck do you think you’re doing?” The door slams against the wall as she flings it open, startling the balding man sitting at his desk wearing a suit that is just way too big for his squirrelly stature.

He jumps to his feet. “Ms Grant, how can I help you?”

“Tell me, Mr Johnson, since when is corporate wage theft an acceptable practice?”

“I—I, never Ms Grant, it’s not…um—”

“No, it’s not, and yet here I am being informed that you’re withholding overtime pay from employees unless they put in a dispute. Tell me, how many employees don’t dispute their incorrect wages? How much money are you saving CatCo while ripping off the employees working hard for the company? How much money are you A) saving the company to try and get a bigger bonus, or B) directing into your own pocket directly from the employee’s paycheques, one of those employees being my very own assistant?”

He stutters and a noticeable sheen of sweat is beginning to coat his pale face. He swipes at his forehead with his sleeve. “Ms Grant, I believe there’s been some kind of misunderstanding.”

“I don’t believe so. I’m calling a meeting with HR immediately and if you aren’t there, I can more than assume that the accusations are true.” She turns on her heel and strides across the floor to the head of HR, knocking quickly and entering before she can be invited in. “I need a meeting immediately, make time for it, it starts in ten minutes.” With that, she turns on her heel once more and heads back for her elevator, dragging Kara with her with a soft grip on her wrist.

“Is there anything you need me to do, Ms Grant?” She asks.

“Cancel my meetings for today, I have a feeling that this is going to take a while. “Also, please, get hold of everyone you know to have had the same issue as you and inform them that they may be called into an impromptu meeting today and if they aren’t, the situation is still getting investigated.”

“Of course, Ms Grant.”

“And Kara?”

Kara is alarmed at the use of her actual name, something that really doesn’t happen very often. “Yes, Ms Grant.”

“You did the right thing coming to me with this, I just wish you had done so sooner.”

Kara ducks her head. She should have known Cat would handle it, she might be demanding and rude but she’s always been relatively fair when it comes to keeping her employees happy. “Sorry, I took so long, I thought I could handle it myself. It took me a while to realize it was becoming a pattern.”

Cat looks up at her, head tilted in confusion. “You’ve always been so good at noticing things, Kara, what’s happening that you’re so distracted?”

Kara sighs. “The meeting is soon, we better get you your coffee and then you can head back down there, I’ll go talk to the others. Maybe we can talk later when there’s more time? It’s a long story.”

“Ok.” Cat accepts her answer, maybe because of the time crunch or maybe because she can sense that Kara needs more time to think before she talks about what’s going on, either way, she dismisses it and instead gets back to focusing on the problem at hand, the weasel stealing money from employees.

Kara’s grateful that she doesn’t push. She doesn’t actually want to tell Cat anything about her personal life, especially not what she’s been going through the past few months, not the money issues, not Mike’s death, not Alex’s injuries and not about suddenly being a single mom. Cat already knows about Lori. Well, she knows she exists but that’s about it really, that’s all she needed to know. She’s only ever seen one picture of her, the one on Kara’s desk.

Kara’s not going to be able to avoid the conversation forever though, she’s going to have to come clean about her personal life and about the struggles she’s gone through, she just doesn’t want pity or guilt to change anything in her professional life, there have already been enough changes in her personal life and she would much prefer to have no sympathy and keep the consistency of her work life the same.

Cat breaks off to go and get her coffee while Kara sets off around the bullpen to find the other few people she knows have had their paycheques messed with and asks them to spread the word to anyone else that has had the same issues as them so they can be prepared and also makes a list of the names of the people she finds in case Ms Grant needs it.

It takes her a little while to do that, reschedule Ms Grant’s day and to also gossip with Winn about what’s going on because he’s nosy and with everything, he does for her to help out with Lori, what’s a little office gossip between friends?

She knocks on the door to the HR meeting room, tablet in hand and her list of names atop of it. Every head in the room turns to look at her but she pays them no mind, so forces herself not to, she just walks over to the head of the table where Cat has settled and pulls up a chair nearby, not at the table, just against the wall behind her, dropping the list of names on the table just to Ms Grant’s left before taking a seat, looking out at the table.

The head of HR stands just as she sits. “Ms Grant, this is a private matter, I don’t believe we should have your assistant in the—”

“Ms Danvers is welcome to stay, this may be a private matter but she’s directly involved and has basically all of the knowledge of the situation. That and I want her here so if you try and screw over the employees that were victims of Mr Johnson’s scheming and your either inadequacy or your partnership with him, I’m as of yet unsure of which it is, you will have to do it to the face of a woman who has suffered at your hands.” Ms Grant speaks up.

The head of HR, an older woman with a short grey bob that makes her look like she should be working in a library, and if she was a book, would be a leatherbound journal pulled from the depths of a pirate’s shipwreck, soggy and unreadable but was once probably quite beautiful, sits back down without a word.

“Now, we are going to go over a list of the known victims we have, but keep in mind, there’s probably a lot more here. It appears that we should also thank Ms Danvers for noting the positions of each of these people, people who all hold what can be viewed as no power in the company, easy victims.” Ms Grant goes on to read out the entire list, around thirty people when all is said and done.

Even Kara wasn’t aware that there were that many people that were preyed upon in the same way she was, as she was asking around she was having more and more people pointed out to her, people that had spoken to others that knew someone. In the end, she had to make sure to tell everyone to get the word out that people are to let her know if they have had issues so she can add to the list as the word spreads.

It's probably not great for the company that it’s spreading around the office like wildfire but this is a situation where the victims need to be helped and well, nobody specifically told Kara that she had to keep it a secret so she just…didn’t.”

She doesn’t regret it either.

-

The day is long, longer than any has felt in a while but it’s worth it when at the end of the day she gets to text Lena and thank her for the confidence boost she needed to bring her issues up to Ms Grant.

She sends a brief message explaining that she told Ms Grant this morning and is shocked when not five minutes later, she gets an incoming call.

“Hey.”

“Hey, Kara. I just saw your message, I’m so glad you went ahead and brought it up, I take it that the conversation went well?”

“You could say that.” Kara smiles into her phone as she makes her way to the bus stop on her way home. “I told her first thing this morning and we have spent all day with HR and the guy in charge of payroll trying to figure out what’s been going on. We ended up finding out the head of payroll and the head of HR are sleeping together and worked together to steal money from any employees that didn’t dispute their paycheques to pay for their divorce lawyers so they can divorce their spouses and be together.”

There’s a silence on the other end of the phone for a second before a disbelieving laugh rings clear as day down the line. “Are you being serious?”

“Yes, and that’s not even the best part. The dude in charge of payroll has just turned thirty-two and the head of HR is fifty-seven, that is, my friend, a twenty-five-year age gap.”

“Oh my god! And everyone involved is getting their money back?”

Kara nods despite being on the phone and gets a weird look as she waits for the bus to pull up, climbing on as soon as the doors open and showing her bus pass. “Yep, everyone will but they are doing an investigation first, one that will take a few weeks because they want to be thorough. Anyway, none of it would have happened if you hadn’t convinced me to talk to Ms Grant so thank you, Lena.”

“Not at all, I’m just glad it worked out for you. I have to get back to work but if I get a chance later I will text you and maybe you can fill me in on the details?”

“Sounds good.” Kara smiles. “Talk to you later.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”  Kara ends the call, a smile on her face as she does so and looks forward to getting home so she can hug her daughter and fill Alex in on her day, not forgetting that she also has to catch her up on her night with Lena too. They are going to have a good gossip session tonight and then tomorrow, she gets to go back to work while being in Ms Grant’s good graces for bringing the payroll issue to her attention.

There’s only one thing she’s got to deal with. She might have got away without telling Cat about her personal problems today but she’s not likely to avoid it tomorrow, she’s only got one night to figure out what she’s going to say to her.  

Read the next 3 chapters ahead of the curve on Patreon here!

[aajjks]

“We’re sorry, but she’s already been cremated. Her family’s setting up for the funeral, so contact them if you can.

We honestly think he should be up for adoption. You claim that’s he’s working on his behavior and mental health, but both Y/n and CPS says otherwise. We haven’t brought it up to him only because his current condition is already bad without being around either of you, so we’ll wait until one of you is allow to visit the other. But here’s the letter.

‘Dear Jungkook,

I think… This will be the first time I’ll be admit ting this aloud. But I think it’s appropriate to say it now. For the first time in forever, I finally found my peace. I didn’t think it could happen, but it did. It all started with you.

Since the beginning, all my relationships went to shit. From being cheated on all the way to being abused physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. After all the turmoil, I vowed to myself, I was completely done. I was NOT going to allow myself to be hurt again by any man.

That’s when I started teaching; mainly because it was a way to keep my mind from reliving the trauma I endured. I didn’t think I’d be a teacher for long, but here I am 5 years later. Still in the little town that I call home– despite the negative memories it shares. Anyways, being a teacher for this long has brought me immense joy. Being surrounded by younglings makes me happy. While it keeps me busy, it also makes me appreciate life more seeing the smiles I could bring others when I couldn’t bring myself to smile for myself. It gave me a reason to live. That includes your son.

He’s brought so much energy and spunk to not only to my students, but to myself. He’s a very admirable, kind and thoughtful person. I hope he stays this way when he’s an adult. But sometimes… he slips up.

There have been times where I couldn’t pay attention to him and he’d suddenly get violent. Thankfully not towards me, but unfortunately, towards other students. He once stabbed a girl with a coloring pencil which resulted to almost ME being sued & seeing her at the hospital. Thankfully, I managed to escape a lawsuit, but that doesn’t excuse the other violent tendencies he’d share with other students.

But that’s just one minor thing compared to everything else I’m about to talk about.

Every conversation we’d have, you’d always talk about your “game” from your past sexual experiences. I am in my right to not tell you my personal business, but everytime you talked about it, it made me insecure, uncomfortable, and even question if loving you is even worth it. Do you realize how much you bosted yourself? It’s almost contradicting. Especially when you claim to regret having a fuckboy past–yet act like you have no problem doing it all over again, and forgetting about me. Were the times you harped on me being yours & being your son’s mother lies? Did you just say that to make me feel special? In that case, just call up your hoes & offer them to be his mothers instead. I’m sure they’d love to be in his and your life now.

Speaking of sex, were you always this perverted? You didn’t think I noticed the way you look at me and make suggested comments? Everytime we’re around eachother, you always have this aura about you; a look in your eyes that I can’t help but squirm under. And definitely not in a good way. While I might’ve found you attractive, you were definitely a pushy man. All those times you insisted seeing me or doing something as a favor, I couldn’t help but think you’d expect something in return.

So, I kept rejecting all your advances & hints. Maybe in another life we would’ve been together different history that wouldn’t affect how we see each other. But in this life with how things played out for both of us, I don’t think we would’ve been the healthy ideal couple you thought we could’ve been.

I hope you find the perfect wife & perfect mother figure your son deserves.

~ Goodbye,

Y/n L/n’

Um… yeah…”

“Are you serious? You’ve got to be kidding me… y-you had her cremated before I could see her? How fucking dare you! I’ll be contacting yns family, it’s only her sister that’s left in her family. Wow this is so cruel! I-I couldn’t even get to see her for the last time- no jeon seol is my child! I told you we’re trying our best, I can’t lose my son too- fuck I’ll go insane… yn…. Give me the letter- oh my…. Yn… felt so much about me and I wasn’t aware? I-I can’t believe this… yn loved me? She was… jealous and hurt.. oh my God I fucked up…. Fuck fuck FUCK…”

[diegeticdivinity]

Snowdrop, Tulip and Violet for all of the Singularit+y members!

Corey is really interested in technology, she isn’t exactly an expert but she just likes to geek out about it, Zircon brings her to xir ship and points out what all the knobs and buttons do and she’s just like ‘:O’! She hates absolute silence, she calls it ‘dead air’, she needs something happening around her to function, preferably something interesting!

Sylvan likes when his art makes people smile, be it his music or his illustrations (he draws sometimes!). He’s had a bit of a rough life, his parents have been cast out from society for opposing the villainous government of this Earth and a lot of people still saw him as a social reject pre-Singulari+y for that reason, so all he’s ever wanted to do was play and sing for the other outcasts he grew up around and bring them joy, to which the rest of the band happily agree, so the reject towns get private concerts on the occasion! He hates being in the spotlight, however: he often stands out due to his gender-nonconformity which lead to some bad experiences in the center of attention in the past, and being center-stage still gives him really bad anxiety for that reason despite the fact that he’s now happy looking the way he does, long black hair, dresses and all. The rest of Singulari+y! respect this and allow him to perform slightly off to the side, so that he can be heard but never with the full focus of an audience on him.

Zircon loves physical affection, xe’s a really tactile person, xe’ll put xir hand on your shoulder and hug you often if you let xir, but xe does respect boundaries. Physical touch is seen as something very exciting and important among xir species, since they often travel alone and rarely get to do it to one another. Xe doesn’t like enclosed spaces, feeling ‘trapped’ makes xir really claustrophobic and nauseous, xir ship is mostly fine because xe’s familiar with it and it’s actually fairly spacious just for xir alone, but there’s a bit later on in the story where the villains briefly capture xir and trap xir in this glass tube for a bit, it’s super uncomfortable for xir, xe feels so relieved when Corey busts it open with a chair!

I’d show Corey an item of modern technology (Singulari+y!’s story takes place in 198X on an alternate version of Earth) just to see her excited reaction! I’d also like to go shopping with her, she has fantastic fashion sense, she’d love modern clothing (especially of various alt fashion movements!) it’d just be a really fun time for both of us!

I’d tell Sylvan about how things will turn out okay, on both his version of Earth and ours, because he’s overheard from his family what the government were doing and why they were resisting and is probably the most concerned about the state of Earth out of the group.

I’d infodump Zircon all about the funky human things that don’t really make much sense, possibly look up the histories of why we say and do certain things seemingly arbitrarily, xe’d be really eager about it and be glad to have a better understanding of humanity!

Ooh, these were tough, I’ve never done voiceclaims before, usually because I typically have a hyper-specific idea of what a character sounds like in my head and it becomes kinda frustrating when none of your ideas match but you also can’t really describe what would be different to make it match!

Anyway, Corey’s speaking voice is quite deep for an 18 year old girl, she usually speaks pretty slowly but the rate of her voice accelerates rapidly when she’s talking about her interests! I imagine she sounds something like the way YouTuber Yume’s Studio voices Marina from Splatoon, here’s an example of that!

Sylvan was a bit difficult to pinpoint and I still don’t have any examples in mind for how he talks, the way he sounds kinda has ‘older sibling’ vibes if you know what I mean, and he has an eeever so slight southern accent.

I’m done denying it, Zircon sounds like early 70s Bowie, but with the British-ness turned down a little in favor of the impossible to place accent I described that one time!

This was a lot of fun! Sorry it took so long, thank you so much for the ask!!

[iamauthenticallyme]

YESS... IT HAPPENED

Three letters to three different people. Expressing gratitude towards them.

Disclaimer:

This piece explores themes of emotional pain, unhealthy relationships, and personal struggles. While it does not include graphic descriptions, it may be triggering for some readers. Please read with care and prioritize your well-being. If you’re struggling, consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional for support.

YES… I felt triggered by you yesterday, resulting in me crying, crying, and crying some more. When I came home from school, I, somewhat surprisingly, needed some human interaction. For a while, I figured I didn’t want to hate you — I just couldn’t see you in the same light. I respect you as a human, but I can’t 100% see you as a cool teacher when the other students seemingly hate you. I’m not sure if you have completely understood how I might have felt, or my actions and intentions behind it when the situation occurred, or not, but that’s okay. I don’t need to know. I don’t want to know. Through our interactions, I’ve learned that I don’t have to come to a conclusion with people (you specifically) to find closure. EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE okay. So I don’t need to hash this out with you here and now.

I DON’T NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND ME, HOW I FELT, WHAT I THOUGHT, OR WHERE I WAS COMING FROM. I DON’T NEED TO UNDERSTAND YOUR SIDE OF THINGS EITHER. I WOULD LIKE TO, BUT THAT’S NOT A NECESSITY, AND IT SHOULDN’T BE A PRIORITY. I DON’T NEED TO EXPLAIN TO YOU MY TRAUMAS OR HOW UNCOMFORTABLE YOUR ACTIONS CAUSED ME TO FEEL A SECOND TIME TO RELEASE THE EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS TIED TO THE SITUATION AND MY PAST TRAUMAS THAT I CLING TO SO WELL. YOU WILL NOT BE THE NEXT ADULT I LET AFFECT ME IN THIS WAY. YOU WILL NOT BE THE NEXT PERSON TO GET TO ME. YOU WILL NOT BE THE NEXT PERSON I OBSESS OVER FOR HOWEVER LONG.YOU WILL NOT BE THE NEXT PERSON I HOLD A GRUDGE AGAINST. I WILL NO LONGER WONDER WHY WHAT HAPPENED HAPPENED. I WILL NO LONGER WONDER WHY YOU SAID WHAT YOU SAID IN FRONT OF THE CLASS. I WILL NO LONGER STAY HURT. I WILL MOVE ON. I WILL NEVER STAY QUIET OR COMPLIANT. I WILL COMMUNICATE MY DISCOMFORT, AND YOU — YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE — WILL RESPECT THAT. NO ONE IS GONNA SHUT ME UP.

Thank you for being such an inclusive, helpful teacher so far. I know that you were only trying to help me. I recognize your good intentions; I truly appreciate them. I would like to forgive you completely; I just need some time. I know the second time you said something that caused me to feel uncomfortable was only because I knew what you’d said was true. I was mad because it sounded like a girl was agreeing with you and that I was getting made fun of. You’d said that because I expect respect from others, I should extend the same courtesy, and YES… you do seem to have a habit of telling someone’s business in front of the whole class, but weren’t you being hypocritical recently?

You have taught me sooo much. THANK YOU. I just can’t believe you would do that.

YES… You weren’t always emotionally or even physically there or available, and as a result, I’ve aimed to please you every step of the way in the past. But I’m learning to cultivate self-love, acceptance, compassion, and internal validation for myself now. I’ve been feeling sad and resentful of my past recently — every day for probably the past couple of weeks. A lot of times, I truly wonder why you do the things you do and have done the things you’ve done.

Why do you constantly do things that hurt me? Why do you have ways of justifying the things you’ve done, making it so that I can’t even reason with you sometimes? I guess it’s because you are ashamed of some of the stuff you’ve done. I know you have a hard time talking about your past. Why do you constantly invalidate everything I think, say, feel, and do? Perhaps because you do it to yourself. Who has taught you that it’s okay to ignore your feelings? That you have to be a man? Who has taught you what a man is? Your father? Your mother? Society? Society has taught us all who to be and how to act. Because I know that people have been truly hurt by your actions. That’s not fair for me to say, because I’ve truly hurt people too. We all have. So why am I singling you out?

In the past, I would often think that you and no body else cared about me, especially when depression rolled around. I don’t want to remember you as the person who never cared, because I know that’s not entirely true. Even if you had a fear of change, I wish you cared. It makes me sad thinking about some of the things you’ve done (mostly said). It truly does. Will you ever know? Can you guess who this is for?

Remember that time when you dragged me down some stairs because I wasn’t walking fast enough? How about the time when, because the turd in the toilet looked big, I got spanked for supposedly clogging it? My mom had come over just after that. Why didn’t I say anything? My mom was pissed with you that day because that bitch didn’t let us go on vacation to Kentucky with her. My brother even wanted to take the fall. You didn’t even know who it was!

All the times you didn’t care about my comfort. The time you trimmed my bikini hair, I told you you were doing it too fast, and you said, “I don’t care, stay still!” After that, you expected a “thank you.” I felt violated! You triggered the feeling I get even if someone just touches in between my legs. You made the sensations worse. I would get tampons stuck in my body, and every time, you, of all people, would tell me what should happen. “Just pull it out! You’re playing around! Do it now, or I’ll do it for you!” I would cry afterward. “You really don’t know shit compared to someone who has had their period for 12 years.” Okay, so from your observation, I was making everything up. Literally. I have a scar on my head from the time you told Bitch to leave my hair very tight, even though you were on the goddamn phone and never saw it. It’s been years since then.

You randomly got mad about a year after I’d gotten waxed for the first time because I told my mom. Yeah, parents shouldn’t keep secrets from each other, but you did. You got mad because I said where I believe I’d gotten COVID from. I was supposed to lie. When I would try to subtly tell you about my depression, you kept telling me to just “be happy,” though I’m sure this came from your own ideals. Remember when you kept burning my back in the shower and acting as though you couldn’t change the temperature? The time you even called me “lazy?”

“Take accountability.” The shit you used to say to me. Well, take accountability. Were you projecting or something? Has someone ever said that to you?

I’ve always made excuses for you because I’ve seen your pain. I know that you’ve been through some stuff that you’ll probably never confront — at least from the way things look now. All my life, I’ve been empathic, and I’ve seen you. I’ve pitied you. Given our dynamic, you probably don’t want my pity. You definitely don’t, and I get it. But sometimes, pity is the only option, whether either one of us wants that or not, because sometimes it’s the only way to rationalize some of the things we’ve been through. Sometimes, though, I just feel resentment. I get stuck in a loop that can go on for days. I’ve been stuck in a loop for weeks now, and not just referring to you. A lot of the time, as always, I can never hate you. I just feel sad.

Why did you do that? Why do you do this? I hope you can confront and integrate all your pain, all that you’ve tried to hide or cover-up. I know what it’s like to not want people to know about your past. It’s natural to feel ashamed of your past. I am at times, but I’m learning to confront my past because, truly, there is no running away from it.

You’ve taught me to rely on myself for reassurance, validation, comfort, understanding, and love. It first starts with me. ALWAYS. It first starts with you. I love you, but I need to move on from the past. Writing this, even if I never show it to you, is a step in the right direction. I don’t want to remember you as the person who didn’t care. The person who should’ve cared.

You have taught me sooo much. THANK YOU. “Why would you do that?” is what runs through my head. I have felt hurt by some of your actions.

YESS… You have contributed to some of the misery and trauma I’ve experienced — perhaps all of us have played a part in each other’s hardships. You seemed to hate me the most, for whatever reason. My spirit team has told me that your treatment of me had something to do with your own biases, insecurities, and distorted sense of control. Maybe it stemmed from your childhood.

Whenever I witness someone attempting to belittle others — whether through bullying or some other means — I attribute it to something going on within them.

“Maybe they lack self-awareness.”

“Their distorted sense of superiority is likely caused by hidden feelings of inferiority, whether hidden from themselves or others.”

“This must come from a lack of understanding of the disability community, the Black community, ect..”

This is how I justify people’s behavior, including my own.

“Why do I feel triggered by this person?”

“Because I know what they’re saying can be true.”

“Why do I feel prejudice toward this person or community?”

“This comes from a lack of understanding. I’m going to work on changing my perception now.”

Or I’ll think, “Stop thinking this. Why the hell do you keep thinking this about this person? That’s not true. Maybe this has something to do with your perception of yourself. Maybe you think you’re dumb or annoying.”

I also have questions for people who have treated me poorly in the past.

“Have they grown out of it? Have they changed? Should I speak to them again? Maybe I can at least try to be kind to them… Nah, they’ve been too mean.”

Whether someone targeted me for no reason despite me being kind, or seemingly steadfastly saw me as “less than” because of ableism, ignorance, or something else — these thoughts linger. Even if they leave me alone now or happen to be nice, I’m surprised. And I have to remind myself that I’ve grown. I’m unrecognizable since my conscious spiritual awakening. Maybe they’ve changed too.

To hear that someone still behaves the same way toward me can be disheartening. Maybe I expect people to improve as I have. My spirit team says you’ve developed enough self-awareness to realize that your actions weren’t always kind. It seems like you’ve improved, from what I’ve heard about you.

“You are a miserable bitch who preys on the misery of others.” How would you feel if you read what’s been going through my head for some time? Would you care? Would you get defensive, effectively proving my point? You seemed so angry and violent at times. When I was little — back when I was familiar with you — did I really know you? Even then, I recognized that there were two sides to you. Nice __, mean/angry __… though I don’t really remember the second one clearly. I already had an understanding of your bipolar tendencies.

Back when you were pregnant when I was nine, I figured you were nasty towards me because you were stressed. I just couldn’t figure out why you were acting this way towards me, and I knew I hadn’t done anything, so I had to rationalize it. You called me lazy many times, even though I was most likely just depressed at a time when it wasn’t obvious to me, even though you were a neat freak, possibly out of trauma rather than having to be. You singled me out and no one else, acting unwarrantedly unfair and unkind.

You would gossip about me and my sister to your friends all the time like it was nothing, talking about how much toilet paper we used and how much water we drank. Then you started monitoring our toilet paper use, despite the fact that, according to you, I was using too little at one point. You even told dad that in the mornings I would pee without toilet paper. I had no fucking Choi’s! You and your friends were horrible. Wow! I can say that, and I don’t even know them. Do you think I care? Fuck you and your dumb-ass friends.

You told Dad that you’d see my sister physically fighting me on the camera, that I had to learn how to defend myself, but when I call her a few names that even you figured were warranted, you took my iPad away for the rest of the summer. My mom hated that, by the way. When she did something physically to me, she apologized, and she got her iPad back. You told your mom not to give me the Wi-Fi because then I’d be on my iPad all summer, but my sister got Wi-Fi. Bet you didn’t know that, did you? What were you doing? Not watching TV all day and going on your phone, were you? I couldn’t even FaceTime my mom without internet. It’s not even the fact that I couldn’t use my Ipad that bothered me, it’s the fact that you obviously singled me out.

These grown-ass adults knew something; I don’t believe they didn’t. I should tell you to go die!

After you spanked me and I cried by myself thinking about the previous school year, you saw it on the camera and laughed. I was only nine years old, about to turn 10. You stupid-ass cruel bitch. When I accidentally clogged the toilet, you sent me to my room, and I heard you talking on the phone to someone saying that you hoped I smelled the cookies you were making. You didn’t know that it was an accident, but still, I was just a kid. I still am.

What’s worse is that my own father never did or said anything. He never cared, and if he did, he didn’t show it, and you surely didn’t. You can go to hell. I don’t care about you. I only care that you’re related to two people I care about. If you died, I’d probably only think that it was a tragedy because we had history and everyone makes mistakes, but you hold no sentiment to me.

You’ve done way worse than that that I’m not even going to say right here, but I’ve put your business online for everyone to see, and if you read this at all… you’ll know exactly who I’m referring to, and you’ll remember just what you did and how I felt/feel about it. Even if you can’t face what you’ve done — the impact of your choices — you will always carry it in your memory and in your soul’s memory.

At least I can remember some of the good times we had. I’ll tell you that there were probably more bad than good, but I can think of some things.

I’m writing all of this because I want to move on from the past — from you and all the other mofos. Really, I wanted to say “people,” but I thought I’d add some humor. You’ve taught me that unfair treatment isn’t about me. You’ve taught me who I don’t want in my life. You’ve become another valuable example. And I need my examples.

I’m speaking out now so I can be healthy and feel good. I don’t want to live in anger or resentment. I know how that feels — I’ve been there. It can manifest as a never-ending loop of desperation, depression, and pain. A loop I refuse to be stuck in.

I hope you’re finding peace. I hope you can forgive yourself, just as I am working to do for myself. I know everyone has the capacity to be kind, so I don’t want to hold on to any belief that says otherwise.

You have taught me sooo much. THANK YOU. “Why me?” I used to wonder. But now, I don’t need to.

YES… I’ve felt broken, defeated, suicidal, and depressed. YES… I’ve been bullied by both children and adults, and I’ve been the bully. But YES… I’ve also felt true contentment, happiness, pride in myself and others, like I was truly able to be myself, truly accepted by others, and I’ve been able to have very positive and healthy relationships with others. There’s always been at least one good thing that comes out of my trials and tribulations. For me, the good outweighs the perceived bad, because it’s all good. We’re all here to grow and learn lessons, and I’ve had many opportunities to do that. Haven’t I always been able to come out of situations alive? Maybe not unscathed… but definitely alive. There were some difficult times, but I made it. We made it. Together. As humans. As a community. I know I’ve said this before, but I truly wouldn’t have grown without you guys. Thank you for the perceived good, bad, and ugly. These situations, dynamics, and interactions have definitely taught me sooo much.

SURE, THEY tried TO shut ME DOWN and REMOVE ME FROM MY most FULFILLED, TRUEST SELF, BUT THAT isn’T possible. I CANNOT BE BROKEN.

I was in my piano class reading poetry on Medium. I’d been thinking about past experiences between me and others. Either I was angry, or just sad and wondering “why?” I’d also been feeling regret and guilt for past decisions in regards to other people. By then I was aware of a spirit guide tasked with helping me work through the limiting beliefs I have about myself and self-forgiveness. I probably have more than one for this.

At the time, past situations and people were on my mind. I read about self-acceptance — that’s what I was trying to develop — being tired of crying alone and of being strong, my dad doesn’t like crying, especially from men, and finally finding closure. I thought about a former friend of mine. I’d been wanting to write letters to specific people for a while and I was planning on posting it, but I didn’t want a certain person to be heartbroken and was confused as to what to do.

I started writing what I considered a poem called “YESS, IT happened,” about people who I felt had wronged me to work through my thoughts. It was somewhat of a spur-of-the-moment type thing. I’d had a triggering moment with my teacher. I wrote about her, then the person on my mind for weeks and probably longer, then it was time to leave. I was talking to someone in my math class explaining what I was writing, and I said that I might not be proud of some things, but YES… IT HAPPENED, and there is truly no escaping from what did — my past.

I might make a part two. Stay tooned, and please like and follow for more.

Follow me on Medium to see my poems and blog posts, and to gain some insight into my life. https://medium.com/@cassime2008

[s33thru]

Hi all!

It’s my first actual blogging post! Woo! I’m excited for this little journey to start :)

I’ve decided I’m going to create a little emoji key for each little area of my life that I talk about, so that if you’re only interested in one thing and you’d rather ignore the rest, you can simply find what you’re looking for by searching for the corresponding emoji!

So, here goes :) :

🍃 = mental health related topics (general mental health, therapy progress/updates, personal growth/development)

🍁 = physical health related topics (overall physical health, fitness, feminine health)

🦆 = relationships (romantic, platonic, & familial)

🍂 = big life areas (work/school)

🍊 = personal life (hobbies, interests, exciting things/treats, experiences/events)

I hope this little guide can serve its function, as mentioned above! :)

Anyways, on to this week:

🍃 (⚠️TW: alc*hol⚠️): I feel like I’m going through a season of change. This happens every once in a while. I really enjoy it, even if it’s hard, because it always ends in personal growth :) This time, as per usual, I’m seeing and doing things in my life differently. One example is how I’m choosing to spend my free time. I used to immediately ask to see/hang out with people whenever I finished all my things for the day. That was because of my anxious attachment and my inability to spend time alone. Now, though, I’m making a point to do what I actually *want* to do (I know it sounds simple, but it was so difficult because I was blinded by my need for interaction and my inability to spend time alone!). I’m engaging in my hobbies more, and it feels really good :) I’m working on myself a lot. There’s lots going on in my brain!

My anxiety has been acting up a bit more lately, but I feel like I’m getting much better at managing it!! I’m very proud of myself for that :)

Sometimes I feel like my brain is evil and horrible. It always throws things at me, and sometimes it feels like I can never catch a break. Especially the two weeks before my period. My therapist thinks I might have PMDD. I’m starting to think I might have it, too. Because for two weeks out of the month, it’s mental torture. I don’t get any physical symptoms, but man does my brain get mean. I actually hate it so much and I’m scared & dreading the next time it happens :(

When I get anxious, it feels like it’s the end of the world and I’m trapped and everything around me is crashing down, and I feel like I don’t have the ability to calm down (even though I do and I’ve been getting good at it). It’s uncomfortable and quite frankly, terrifying. I really don’t like it, and I don’t like that my brain does that to me :( Sometimes I really hate living with this disorder

I have a fear of alcohol, especially when it comes to my boyfriend. It’s something I’ve been working on, but I seem to be making no progress :( I learned that he went drinking a few nights ago and I completely broke down. That was then followed by hours of crying and belittling myself for being this way. For being afraid of this. “Why can’t I just be normal?” I asked myself over and over. This has been consuming so much of my headspace lately. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up every morning, and that’s been setting up my days for failure. I don’t know why this affects me so much. I don’t know why this still plays on my mind so much. I think about it at least once a week. It’s obsessive, and I don’t understand why I can’t just let it go. I’m starting to hate myself for it. I want to punish myself for being this way.

I think I have a lot more self-hatred than I realize. Especially since there’s so many things “wrong” with me that I don’t like and I just wish I could change instantly. But, alas, change and healing takes time. My brain doesn’t want to accept that though. I’m so so hard on myself for my flaws and for the bad parts of me that I’m trying to change. It doesn’t do me any good; in fact it only hurts me. I hate the fact that I hate how I am.

🍁: I had a dentist appointment recently. It was my first one in years, because we didn’t have insurance until now and couldn’t afford to go without it. Now that we have insurance, though, I’m hoping to start going annually! Unfortunately, I fucked up the appointment :( I meant to schedule a cleaning, but I scheduled a checkup instead, and all I got were some x-rays. It was disappointing having to pay for something I didn’t need. That really got to me :/ I also found out I need to get fillings. Boy am I terrified. I’ve had bad experiences with dentists in the past, and I’m still nervous even just going for a cleaning, and anything more than that freaks me the fuck out, especially since I have a really low pain tolerance and every dental procedure I’ve had in the past has been really painful :( My boyfriend agreed to come with me to get my fillings for emotional support. I’m so lucky to have him :,( The thought of getting all this done has been swirling around in my mind a bit lately and causing me stress :/ I hate being a worrier

I learned that my gym has fitness classes, and I’m thinking about participating… not sure though, cause I really don’t like change, even if it’s positive. Shaking things up is really hard for me, it causes a lot of stress and anxiety and fear. And I know I don’t have to, of course. I like the workout regime I have right now just fine. We’ll see though. Maybe I’ll take the leap!

🦆: I’m getting excited about my boyfriend coming home :) He’ll be here on the 13th! I’m trying not to get too excited though, because he might not get to see me that day, depending on when he gets home. And if I expect that, I’ll be in wait mode until I do. And if I don’t get it, it’ll ruin my day. I hate how my brain works sometimes :( I’ve been trying to be more honest with him lately, though. Battling anxious attachment is hard, but I’m really working on it! I can feel myself trusting him more, and feeling closer and more connected. It feels great, I haven’t felt this close to him in a while :,) it’s making me so happy. We’re setting new boundaries but I’m worried I’ll have a hard time implementing them. I’m having lots of anxious thoughts about it, as per usual :( He’s thinking about getting a tattoo and that made me anxious & upset bc I love his body how it is & I really struggle with change. I’m feeling more connected to him after a while of feeling disconnected. It feels nice!

My boyfriend is the most loving, most patient, most caring person in the whole entire world. Even with all my flaws and bad traits, he still loves me. I feel so so so grateful for him, especially this past week. He’s been so kind to me, even when I slip up or my anxious attachment or fears act up. I swear I’m gonna love that man forever <3

My work friend invited me to his house to watch a Christmas movie and I was worried about it. We had some weird interactions a while back and things just didn’t feel like they used to for a bit :( I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cancel or postpone or suggest we do another activity instead. It was really confusing, but everything ended up being okay and I had a lot of fun! Things feel normal again :)

🍂: I’ve been getting back into school research. I do it in my free time sometimes :) I’m working on applying for student loans cause I got accepted into uni! This is my biggest life accomplishment to date, and I’m so so proud of myself :,) The process of applying for student loans has been pretty stressful so far, which is unfortunate :( Lots of forms that I need medical professionals for, so I have to wait to progress until my next therapy appointment, which sucks :/ I hate waiting on things, it stresses me out a lot. Trying not to think about it too much

🍊: I’ve been enjoying listening to podcasts at work lately. I like to think of it as podcast time! I’m really liking it; it makes the shifts go by faster, plus it’s something to help drown out the thoughts 🫡 This feels like something that is wholly me, something I do by myself, and that’s huge for me!!!

My newest YouTube fixation is smosh. I’ve really been enjoying watching their videos lately :)

Also, the weather is FINALLY clearing up after an actual (I’m not kidding) month of clouds and rain! Ugh it feels so good to see the sun and blue skies again :,)

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this post! I hope I can keep this up, as I feel like it could be nice! Remember to take care of yourself, and have a good night! :)