s33thru

[s33thru]

Week 4

Things are getting a little rough this week :(

🍃: Anxiety can be fucking debilitating sometimes.

I went through another episode again. I have diagnosed anxiety and depression. Sometimes I have episodes of heightened anxiety, lots of crying, feeling down, less energy/feeling tired all the time, and lower motivation. I also have regular depressive episodes. During these episodes, things feel torturous and almost debilitating. Functioning becomes very hard, and sometimes impossible. In the warmer months, my anxiety and depression feel manageable, with fewer episodes happening. My little toolbox of coping skills work well, and life feels good. In the colder months, though, my anxiety and depression get heightened and the episodes happen more frequently. My coping skills either stop working, or I get too emotionally and mentally exhausted to use them properly, if at all. That’s what was happening. I was going through an episode and nothing was working. Life fucking sucked. I was miserable for days. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been doing bright light therapy, and while it’s helping with my energy levels and sleep schedule, it’s not helping my mood at all. I think I want to try medication. It’s been my last resort for so so long, and it still is, but I feel like I’m at my wits end. I’m exercising as regularly as I can, I’m trying to get outside, I’m using my therapy lamp, I’m trying my best to eat healthy, and I’m using all of my coping skills. It just doesn’t feel like enough. I’m terrified of medication but I think I’m willing to try it because things feel unbearable when I have these episodes and this was my second episode in two months. In the warm months, I only had one, and it only lasted a few days. Over like, a 6 month span. Life just felt miserable because of the episode and I need to talk to my therapist about it. We need to come up with something to help me through the winter months. I was overthinking and over analyzing and worrying about it all way too much, too. God I just want a break from my own head :(

I’m starting medication for my SAD. I’m very afraid and reluctant, but it’s my last resort. I’m second guessing everything, like whether or not there even is a seasonal pattern, even though I know there is. I’m worried that I’ll need it in the summer too, even though I’m normally confident in my ability to cope in the warm months. I’m just scared and uncertain. I really hope everything works out :/

🍁: I think I’m going to try out a new machine at the gym soon. It’s an arm and core machine. I’ve never tried anything that targets multiple areas before! Very exciting :)

🦆: My uncle, who was very dear to me, passed away. The grief feels different from the other times I’ve experienced it yet again. They’re having a memorial for him on Saturday, which I’ll be attending. It’s gonna interfere with my plans to surprise my boyfriend when he comes home from uni, which was messing with my head a bit because I don’t deal with change well (especially sudden & unexpected change). I’m gonna go to the memorial, but I’m just a little bummed that a happy, exciting event that I was gonna have had now turned into something else. I’m obviously not upset that they’re having a service for my uncle but, you know what I mean. It’s supposed to be a celebration of life though, so I hope it’s more of an upbeat event

I introduced my best friend to my work friend. They’ve been wanting to meet for a while now, so I’m glad! They got along, which is great. I was worried that they wouldn’t, because my best friend is very loud and silly, but my work friend is very reserved and laid back. We’re planned a hangout for this week, but it was a bit difficult due to scheduling and the fact that my best friend lives out of town

🍂: One of my coworkers, who I’ve come to like quite a bit, is quitting :( I really enjoy my shifts with her, so this sucks

I’m also having a lot of trouble with the process of applying for student loans. It’s very stressful, and I’m just hoping that I can get it all sorted without too much grief :(

🍊: I’ve really been enjoying playing Minecraft again lately. I’m starting a new, cozy survival word and making it exactly what I want!

Not a whole lot going on this week, but I hope anyone reading this is doing well! Make sure to take care of yourself, and have a good afternoon! :)

[s33thru]

Hi all!

It’s my first actual blogging post! Woo! I’m excited for this little journey to start :)

I’ve decided I’m going to create a little emoji key for each little area of my life that I talk about, so that if you’re only interested in one thing and you’d rather ignore the rest, you can simply find what you’re looking for by searching for the corresponding emoji!

So, here goes :) :

🍃 = mental health related topics (general mental health, therapy progress/updates, personal growth/development)

🍁 = physical health related topics (overall physical health, fitness, feminine health)

🦆 = relationships (romantic, platonic, & familial)

🍂 = big life areas (work/school)

🍊 = personal life (hobbies, interests, exciting things/treats, experiences/events)

I hope this little guide can serve its function, as mentioned above! :)

Anyways, on to this week:

🍃 (⚠️TW: alc*hol⚠️): I feel like I’m going through a season of change. This happens every once in a while. I really enjoy it, even if it’s hard, because it always ends in personal growth :) This time, as per usual, I’m seeing and doing things in my life differently. One example is how I’m choosing to spend my free time. I used to immediately ask to see/hang out with people whenever I finished all my things for the day. That was because of my anxious attachment and my inability to spend time alone. Now, though, I’m making a point to do what I actually *want* to do (I know it sounds simple, but it was so difficult because I was blinded by my need for interaction and my inability to spend time alone!). I’m engaging in my hobbies more, and it feels really good :) I’m working on myself a lot. There’s lots going on in my brain!

My anxiety has been acting up a bit more lately, but I feel like I’m getting much better at managing it!! I’m very proud of myself for that :)

Sometimes I feel like my brain is evil and horrible. It always throws things at me, and sometimes it feels like I can never catch a break. Especially the two weeks before my period. My therapist thinks I might have PMDD. I’m starting to think I might have it, too. Because for two weeks out of the month, it’s mental torture. I don’t get any physical symptoms, but man does my brain get mean. I actually hate it so much and I’m scared & dreading the next time it happens :(

When I get anxious, it feels like it’s the end of the world and I’m trapped and everything around me is crashing down, and I feel like I don’t have the ability to calm down (even though I do and I’ve been getting good at it). It’s uncomfortable and quite frankly, terrifying. I really don’t like it, and I don’t like that my brain does that to me :( Sometimes I really hate living with this disorder

I have a fear of alcohol, especially when it comes to my boyfriend. It’s something I’ve been working on, but I seem to be making no progress :( I learned that he went drinking a few nights ago and I completely broke down. That was then followed by hours of crying and belittling myself for being this way. For being afraid of this. “Why can’t I just be normal?” I asked myself over and over. This has been consuming so much of my headspace lately. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up every morning, and that’s been setting up my days for failure. I don’t know why this affects me so much. I don’t know why this still plays on my mind so much. I think about it at least once a week. It’s obsessive, and I don’t understand why I can’t just let it go. I’m starting to hate myself for it. I want to punish myself for being this way.

I think I have a lot more self-hatred than I realize. Especially since there’s so many things “wrong” with me that I don’t like and I just wish I could change instantly. But, alas, change and healing takes time. My brain doesn’t want to accept that though. I’m so so hard on myself for my flaws and for the bad parts of me that I’m trying to change. It doesn’t do me any good; in fact it only hurts me. I hate the fact that I hate how I am.

🍁: I had a dentist appointment recently. It was my first one in years, because we didn’t have insurance until now and couldn’t afford to go without it. Now that we have insurance, though, I’m hoping to start going annually! Unfortunately, I fucked up the appointment :( I meant to schedule a cleaning, but I scheduled a checkup instead, and all I got were some x-rays. It was disappointing having to pay for something I didn’t need. That really got to me :/ I also found out I need to get fillings. Boy am I terrified. I’ve had bad experiences with dentists in the past, and I’m still nervous even just going for a cleaning, and anything more than that freaks me the fuck out, especially since I have a really low pain tolerance and every dental procedure I’ve had in the past has been really painful :( My boyfriend agreed to come with me to get my fillings for emotional support. I’m so lucky to have him :,( The thought of getting all this done has been swirling around in my mind a bit lately and causing me stress :/ I hate being a worrier

I learned that my gym has fitness classes, and I’m thinking about participating… not sure though, cause I really don’t like change, even if it’s positive. Shaking things up is really hard for me, it causes a lot of stress and anxiety and fear. And I know I don’t have to, of course. I like the workout regime I have right now just fine. We’ll see though. Maybe I’ll take the leap!

🦆: I’m getting excited about my boyfriend coming home :) He’ll be here on the 13th! I’m trying not to get too excited though, because he might not get to see me that day, depending on when he gets home. And if I expect that, I’ll be in wait mode until I do. And if I don’t get it, it’ll ruin my day. I hate how my brain works sometimes :( I’ve been trying to be more honest with him lately, though. Battling anxious attachment is hard, but I’m really working on it! I can feel myself trusting him more, and feeling closer and more connected. It feels great, I haven’t felt this close to him in a while :,) it’s making me so happy. We’re setting new boundaries but I’m worried I’ll have a hard time implementing them. I’m having lots of anxious thoughts about it, as per usual :( He’s thinking about getting a tattoo and that made me anxious & upset bc I love his body how it is & I really struggle with change. I’m feeling more connected to him after a while of feeling disconnected. It feels nice!

My boyfriend is the most loving, most patient, most caring person in the whole entire world. Even with all my flaws and bad traits, he still loves me. I feel so so so grateful for him, especially this past week. He’s been so kind to me, even when I slip up or my anxious attachment or fears act up. I swear I’m gonna love that man forever <3

My work friend invited me to his house to watch a Christmas movie and I was worried about it. We had some weird interactions a while back and things just didn’t feel like they used to for a bit :( I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cancel or postpone or suggest we do another activity instead. It was really confusing, but everything ended up being okay and I had a lot of fun! Things feel normal again :)

🍂: I’ve been getting back into school research. I do it in my free time sometimes :) I’m working on applying for student loans cause I got accepted into uni! This is my biggest life accomplishment to date, and I’m so so proud of myself :,) The process of applying for student loans has been pretty stressful so far, which is unfortunate :( Lots of forms that I need medical professionals for, so I have to wait to progress until my next therapy appointment, which sucks :/ I hate waiting on things, it stresses me out a lot. Trying not to think about it too much

🍊: I’ve been enjoying listening to podcasts at work lately. I like to think of it as podcast time! I’m really liking it; it makes the shifts go by faster, plus it’s something to help drown out the thoughts 🫡 This feels like something that is wholly me, something I do by myself, and that’s huge for me!!!

My newest YouTube fixation is smosh. I’ve really been enjoying watching their videos lately :)

Also, the weather is FINALLY clearing up after an actual (I’m not kidding) month of clouds and rain! Ugh it feels so good to see the sun and blue skies again :,)

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this post! I hope I can keep this up, as I feel like it could be nice! Remember to take care of yourself, and have a good night! :)

[s33thru]

Get to know me!

Hi!

Week two! Woo!

I figured this week I’d give you all some insight into who I am! I won’t really be using a template or anything, sort of just giving any info that comes to mind. Here goes:

Basics ~

Age: 20

From: North America

Birthday: June 24th

Favourites ~

Colour(s): red

Song(s): don’t have one!

Game(s): Stardew Valley and Slime Rancher :3

TV Show(s): Stranger Things

Season(s): summer!

Drink(s): water and peach juice 🧃

Book(s): the Warrior Cats series, and Serpent and Dove 🕊️

Activities: laying in bed and watching YouTube, spending time with my people, sleeping, dressing up, collecting things, self-care nights

Number(s): 24

Animal(s): I love all animals but orangutans are my fav :3 🦧

Sport(s): horseback riding

School subject(s): I liked art, chemistry, and biology when I was in school!

Likes ~

• the sun

• forests

• fruits

• some veggies

• organization

• nail art (though I don’t get it done very often)

• social media

• some insects

• sincerity

• puzzles (sometimes :P)

• cosplay (though I don’t do it myself)

• form-fitting clothing (though I don’t own any)

• being in love :,)

• colouring

• floral patterns

Dislikes ~

• most sports

• the smell of “axe” products 😵‍💫

• mosquitoes >:(

• wasting things

• skateboarding

• clubbing

• competition

• arguing

• writing

What makes me happy ~

• my lovely boyfriend <3

• my friends <3

• comfort foods

• being cozy in bed

• gentle snow

• singing

• soft lighting

• adding on to my collections!

• when my hair cooperates 😭

• spending time with the people I love <3

• flowers

Aaand that about sums it up! I hope this gave you a bit of insight into who I am :) Next week I’ll start with the regular entries

Have a good night! <3

[s33thru]

It's OK to be sensitive. It's OK to be easily moved to tears. It's OK to if you cry at happy things too. It's OK if you cry when you are angry. It's OK to be feel vulnerable. It's OK to feel vulnerable A LOT. It's OK to be scared. It's OK to be scared OFTEN. It's OK to love the little things. It's OK to feel so full of love that it's overwhelming. It's OK to feel intensely. It's OK to be soft. It's OK to be soft.

It's OK to be soft.

[s33thru]

Battling Depression

Battling depression isn't about if you can or if you can't. It isn't about waiting for your motivation to sprout back someday. You can do it, your motivation needs to be sowed and tended to and cared for properly.

If you don't have the energy to get up, find it in yourself to move your limbs around while you wake up. It'll take a bit, but it'll physically be easier to peel yourself out of bed.

If you don't have the energy to shower, find it in yourself to wash your face and hands.

If you don't have the energy to do laundry, find it in yourself to just toss in one or two outfits.

If you don't have the energy to clean the room, find it in yourself to pick up little things you know what to do with before you even think about it. Things like trash or trinkets that go on shelves.

If you don't have the energy to take out the trash, find it in yourself to tie off the old bag and set it aside to replace a new one. You can bring it out on your way to work or school the next day.

You'll make progress, slowly, and you won't realize. One day you'll look in the mirror while you're washing your face and go, "I want to wash my hair," so you'll get in the shower. Washing your hair will turn into standing under the warmth of the water because you won't remember how much you missed it. It'll turn into remembering the warmth you can give yourself. You'll wash your hair, and you'll finally have it in you to wash your whole body with it.

You'll be grabbing your one or two outfits and say, "wow, my other clothes haven't been worn in awhile. I can throw in a few more things," and you'll do your first full load of laundry since it got bad.

You'll look at how much cleaner that room is when some of the trash and trinkets are out of the way, and you'll want to know how nice it'll look when it's done. You'll get that room clean, it might take a few days, but you will.

You'll be tying off that trash bag someday, and you'll think how short of a walk it is to get it to the door. You'll finally bring it outside before you replace the bag.

One day, you will look in the mirror again, and you will see a person, I promise, as long as you don't give up.

[s33thru]

Introductory post! 💗

Hi!

I’d prefer to keep my name private (for now :0), but you can call me Z! I’m 20, and from North America :)

I’m going to be using this account as a sort of digital diary. A place to document my life, my mental health journey, and the progress I make. I’ll be trying to post weekly life updates (we’ll see how consistent I can be!)

On this page, I’ll be documenting and talking about anything and everything, including my mental health struggles, therapy progress, new things that happen, what I get up to throughout the week, my relationships, my professional and academic life, my fitness; basically anything you can think of!

I wanted to start on this little journey for a few reasons. I was inspired by podcasts I listen to, where people sort of just share their lives with people. That’s so fun to me! A podcast isn’t really feasible to me though, and I don’t really want my voice out there, so I decided to give tumblr a try :) I also just love documenting things. I love keeping a record of my experiences and day-to-day life, to look back on in the future and see how far I’ve come and to reminisce on what once was. The final reason was to maybe give some people some comfort and solstice. I’ve struggled with mental health issues for a big portion of my life, and while I’m doing a lot better now than I was before, I still struggle. I’m hoping that by sharing my journey, my ups and downs, I can show people out there that they’re not alone, and that they can overcome anything <3 I know I personally find a lot of comfort and connection in hearing other people’s struggles and accomplishments, and what’s going on in their lives, so I hope I can provide that to someone else out there. And if not, that’s okay too! I’ll have fun documenting everything by myself :)

I think maybe next week I’ll give some information on myself, and provide some insight into the type of person you could be following! But for now, I just wanted to say hi, get a little start on my blog, and put something out there :)

Goodnight to anyone who might be reading this! Remember to take care of yourself :) <3