#but my inner perfectionist demands more

[thursdayinspace]

One exam down, one to go (next week). I have no idea how it went, but my entire study group agreed it was harder than expected... I'm still glad I tried. And now we wait. And keep studying for next week.

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

When did Viktor choreograph Stammi Vicino and did he commission the music?

This post is the first part of series of metas in which I analyse Viktor's free programme with the aim to find the likeliest explanations of the source material.

1. Did Viktor commission the music for Stammi Vicino?

Let's start with a piece of meta information from interviews with the YOI staff! According to Mitsurou Kubo, the aria is a piece of music that exists in the world of YOI, but it's unclear whether it exists because Viktor commissioned it or whether it existed before. Sayo Yamamoto instructed the composer of YOI (Matsushiba Taku) to compose the song in the style of an Italian opera from the 19th century using some prepared plot for the piece (I assume that's about the lyrics). But unlike Shall We Skate, Destiny of Nights, or The Inferno, which are from soundtracks of movies that we know exist in YOI, Stammi Vicino has never been explicitly labelled a song from an opera—neither in the anime nor in any interview.

Or in other words: The information the creators provided can be interpreted either way.

However, we have this:

Technically, the YOI creators might just have used footage of this programme because there was no time to animate Viktor skating an entirely different routine. However, since the creators had to condense to plot of YOI to ~50% of its initial size into 12 episodes, every scene and every image demanded to be filled with meaning. Instead of animating Viktor skating a different programme, they could have used a series of pictures that show adult Viktor in different costumes (like those that had been drawn for Yuuri's room), but they didn't do that either, which suggests that Viktor commissioned Stammi Vicino.

From a storytelling perspective, it would make no sense to combine Yuuri's inner monologoue about Viktor having music written for his programme with a short scene of Viktor skating said programme if he didn't commission the music. As Viktor’s fan, Yuuri knows which songs Viktor commissioned because skaters love to talk about these things in interviews.

This scene makes it seem as if Viktor has been commissioning music for his programmes for several seasons at least. While this doesn’t rule out the possibility that he occasionally picked a song that already exists for whichever reason, Stammi Vicino applies to Viktor’s situation at the beginning of the show so neatly that the lyrics must have been tailored to him. The commentator’s words while Viktor is skating his FS furthermore suggest that this programme shows a new and personal side of him. Of course, that could also work for a song that already exists, but how likely is it that such a song 100% matches the vision of a perfectionist? A genius like Viktor would rather think “Okay, that’s nice. But this verse and that verse don’t match my idea at all. I think I'll call my composer and ask them to write a song for me.”

Stammi Vicino holds unambiguous references to Plato’s Symposium, which the YOI creators have talked about repeatedly. And while this is neither an argument for or against the song already existing long before Viktor even thought about a new free programme, it seems too coincidental from a storytelling perspective.

To me, all this points to Viktor commissioning Stammi Vicino because taken all facts together, it’s what makes the most sense.

2. When did Viktor choreograph Stammi Vicino?

The first time we see Viktor wearing the Stammi Vicino costume, is right at the beginning of episode 1 at the GPF. While there is no rule against wearing the same costume for different programmes and costumes are expensive, you don’t see this often in real figure skating. Some figure skaters even get a new costume for the same programme mid-season because matches the purpose better.

The music, the composition and choreography, and costume build the concept of a figure skating programme. The more perfectionist a skater is (and many top skaters actually are), the more specific you can bet they are about the concept. Viktor is a perfectionist who has full authority over his programmes and he could probably afford having several costumes per programme. Wearing the same costume for several programmes would be a breach of his characterisation.

Could Viktor have changed his programme mid-season if he had set his mind on it?

Let’s assume for one moment that Viktor did indeed create Stammi Vicino because of his encounter with Yuuri at the GPF in Sochi. Why would the creators have put him into the same costume as he wears three months later at Worlds but designed costumes for JJ and Chris?

Does he wear the same costume because he met Yuuri there? Well, Yuuri approached him at the banquet, which is held on the last day of an event when competitions, medal ceremonies, and the gala are done. To reflect Viktor's first actual meeting with Yuuri in a programme, wearing suit like the one he wore that night as a costume would make way more sense.

Some skaters change their programme mid-season. Some switch back to an old programme, other skaters create an entirely new programme. If Viktor had indeed created Stammi Vicino because of his encounter with Yuuri (and with the costume from the GPF), the earliest time he could have started working on it would have been after Russian Nationals, which are two weeks after the GPF. The one week he has between both events at home, leaves him just enough time to pitch the idea to his composer.

For a top skater like Viktor, the one month between Russian Nationals (late December) and Europeans (late January the following year) is enough to practise a new free programme and win with it. There are a couple of skaters who are reckless enough to do that like Stéphane Lambiel who switched his free programme right before Worlds 2005 and won.

However, the show refutes this theory because Yuuri himself says that he started practising Stammi Vicinio when the competitions ended for him. That was at Japanese Nationals which happen to take place at the same weekend as Russian Nationals—at a time when he has already seen Viktor skate this programme several times in competition and had footage to use for his practice.

All the hints the show gives us point to Viktor having created Stammi Vicino at the beginning of the season that is still ongoing in episode 1. And there’s a beauty in this choice because it gives Viktor an agenda beyond his love interest. Well-crafted characters exist outside of their interactions and relationships with the rest of the cast. Viktor had a life before Yuuri and this life was lonely and his (secret) longing for love was an inherent part of it. Especially in a show that is limited to 12 episodes and in which every image is filled with meaning, including details that hint at the characters’ past are beyond precious.

I’m preparing a follow-up post that subjects the lyrics to a detailed examination. And I'm planning another and probably very long and very technical post that analyses the composition of the programme.

Thanks for reading! 💜💙

If you enjoy my meta, please consider checking out my works on AO3 (link in bio)!

[heinzpilsner]

Hmm, you know, I still keep thinking about "bring me food" Maiko scene though.

It's the last post on this topic, I swear

I mean, I treated it like a big argument for "Mai's not caring", but actually this moment alone is not enough to make such a conclusion. It works in complex with other evidences.

My inner perfectionist doesn't feel okay with leaving it like this, so here's a last bit of correction.

You see, in itself, Mai's demand tells us one thing:

Her locus of control is in infantile position (she expects from others/her romantic partner to satisfy the needs she is perfectly capable of satisfying herself).

But add to this her behavior in other scenes (such as being cold in response to affection and not making caring moves of her own*), and it creates a general picture of a self-centred infantile.

(*I mean, there was the 'closing Zuko's eyes from Lo and Li in swimsuits' moment, but a) it was played for laughs and b) it reminds me of those gestures Mai demonstrated in book 2 in her interactions with her parents (like offering fireflakes to her dad during epidemic in Omashu, for example). Such gestures have some superficial similarity with showing care, but in essence it is more about demonstrating Mai's annoyance or condescension towards other people's intense feelings.)

In general, love of such a person is hardly more than a selfish attachment to a source of care/pleasure. A kind of love that spoiled brat has towards their mother, actually. Of course, such a child will be upset if she get sick or something. But their dominant feeling will be annoyance: because of this stupid illness, mother can't care about them like before.

("How dared this jerk to drop me and run away?! Who cares if he betrayed his whole family and country? Who cares if he was caught in prison and can be killed soon? He broke up with me through the letter, that's what really important here!")

Once again, such an attitude can change (or at least get better), especially when a person is still young. It isn't a sentence or something. But it requires a big shift of perception and a lot of inner work.

That's all I wanted to say, I guess.

[raspbeyes]

my v3 pregame hcs

another quick one while my wrist still dies

Kaede Akamatsu - A popular girl who conceals her more cynical side. Her classmates adore her for her confident and extraverted personality, and can motivate anyone to follow her strong and calm leadership. However, what people dont notice behind her level-headed fascade is that she is quite dubious and suspicious of others, often trying to find the true hidden despair humanity has so she can never be blind sighted by any harm

Shuichi Saihara - Known online as one of the most deductive arg detective, in real life, shuichi is nothing more than a danganronpa obsessed fan boy. Though a sweet albeit very awkward person, he can get a bit obssessive about talking about danganronpa, leaving non fans speechless by how much a nobody like him can talk abt the topic. He's intrigued by the thrill of murder mysteries danganronpa provides, and tries to apply said detective skills with args he finds online

Kaito Momota - The bully with a smile, Kaito has an odd reputation. Not outright aggressive, but definitely your average jock kind of character who would get violent if push comes to shove. But usually, he gives off a laid back attitude around his friends, which somehow makes him more formidable somehow with how confident he is. But behind the manly exterior, Kaito secretly wishes to find a true passion in life, fearing he is doomed to be nothing more than a high school has-been

Rantaro Amami - Returning after his successful run of season 52, Rantaro is a world wide celebrity for his heroic sacrafice in the final trial. But, he has no recollection of it, nor does he want to see any of the footage of the game. He is far more drained, tired of the constant media attention following him and talking about events he cannot even remember. Compared to his considerate pre-52 self, Rantaro is determined to stay alive and while he preached hope on tv, he has lost faith in others and acts like an aloof celebrity behind his dry smile

Maki Harukawa - Maki is a cool-headed girl, very unlike her aggressive in game self. nothing much can phase her, and while she has a calm smile, maki is truly seeking out her next thrill that can actually make her truly feel alive. As such, maki is quite atheltic, working out and very active in the school tennis club

Himiko Yumeno - Even by pg shuichi standards, himiko is quiet. Most take her for as mute since outside of the occassional peep, himiko refuses to talk. Himiko doesn't want to let others in, scared that others can hurt her, and she tries her best to stay in the sidelines and not draw attention to herself. She has a low opinion of herself, and she is just hoping that someone can be the one to reach out to her first

Angie Yonaga - The student activist of the school and class president known as a buzzkill, those outside her inner circle don’t tend to like Angie for her outspoken opinions on a variety of topics. Due to her religious values, she personally finds the idea of Danganronpa detestable, choosing to go to the interview in order to personally confront its creators and demand it be shut down. But to clarify angie doesn't believe her religous beliefs are above others, she simply wants to create a more peaceful world and has dreams of helping everyone

Gonta Gokuhara - Heir of the wealthy Gokuhara bloodline, Gonta has a lot of expectations placed onto him, and as such, he too has high expectations of the people around him as well. Composed and somewhat stoic, he is typically found reading a book in the courtyard, studying, or working out. He is a man of strict schedule imposed by his family, and as such, many find it best to ignore him. He is very perfectionistic and can be quick to criticize other. But in truth, little see how much Gonta applies those standards to himself, never believing himself to be enough for his prestigious family. In truth, Gonta is intimidated by others and feels himself not worthy to speak with them.

Kirumi Tojo - Kirumi Tojo is poor, but her suck-up and stuck-up attitude sure makes it hrd to have such an impression. Top of her grade in terms of academic test scores, Kirumi pushes herself to rise above her low family income to pursue greater things. She works incredibly hard and dedicates herself greatly to give the appearance of a refined student and student council vice president, growing an ego that she will rise above her class. Though well liked by teachers, some people can find her a tad egotistical underneath her high class demeanor. Her constant comparisons with others can be especially grating. 

Kokichi Oma - A quiet class representative, Kokichi Oma does a lot to help his class out however he can. Through his wide smiles and numerous good deeds, he is often in charge of a lot of responsibilities, almost to his detriment. Never one for confrontation, he hides himself behind lies to appear more likable and helpful than he is: A classic person pleaser to the highest degree. But he’s not stupid, aware that he is often used, but he can’t push himself to say no to any requests. Behind all his non-judgemental words, he tries to suppress his more joke-ish attitude, sometimes seen stifling an immature laugh to himself. 

Korekiyo Shinguji - Kind, studious, but reserved, Korekiyo has many walls up, especially with the fact that nobody has seen the second half of his face. Whispers surround the boy, all of which point to a headline from years ago of an unfortunate tragedy occurring with the death of an upcoming idol that shared the surname of shinguji. Many are convinced Korekiyo is the girl’s younger brother, but without being able to see half of his face and usually hiding behind his hair, there can be no confirmation. But when confronted with such rumors, Korekiyo’s usual collected attitude sours, and he would excuse himself. He appears to be haunted from a ghost of his past. 

Miu Iruma - “The blonde, bimbo chick” is what most think when the name, Miu Iruma, is brought up. Popular and surrounded by numerous shallow friends, Iruma is known for her feisty, playful attitude, especially around the boys. But deep down, her aggression stems from her own perceived inferiority, despising that everybody assumes her as stupid and objectify her. It frustrates her to no end that she can’t be seen for anything past her looks, but with her fake friends surrounding her, she doesn’t feel like she can make such an odd complaint to anyone. More than anything, she wish she was spoken to, rather than treated as a joke. 

Tenko Chabashira - Energetic and hyper, Tenko is sort of a weird one, always chattering about her latest obsession eagerly. She is not as popular as Miu or Kaede nor is she as smart as Kirumi, but she is just a girl with her own passions who wants to hang out with her friends with similar interests. She adores girl idol groups and devours discussion threads and Twitter posts, and just wants to nerd out about it.

Ryoma Hoshi - A delinquent with not a lot going for him, Hoshi is isolated from others with his jaded attitude. As they say, he’s been on the wrong side of the tracks, and usually doesn’t show up to class, typically skipping or found loitering on school grounds. Not many people give him a chance, his reputation exceeding him but he doesn’t seem to mind it. But, when you get to know him, he shows to give good advice and likes any company he can crack a good joke with.

Keebo - Keebo is created by Team Danganronpa and doesn't know about much of life outside of that. He is only loyal and can obey what he is told to do.

Tsumugi Shirogane - A stressed out DR writer in dire who finally has managed to score the role as lead producer for the latest season after her success with season 52. She is dedicated to her job both as a part of its creation but also as a fan, belieivng that her sole purpose is to continue the danganronpa legacy.

[spnbaby-67]

Ok so I decided to scrap the other story I had for this one. I’ll get to it just this one kept calling my name, besides I need to do a bit more research before I post that one. Thank you to @deans-baby-momma for beating this chapter.

Please keep in mind that this is only fanfiction, not real life. So in this story Jensen is single. No disrespect to Danneel, I love her just the same. Please don’t copy my work and use as yours it’s literally taken me four years to get back to writing,

Summary.

"Behind the Lens" is a love story set in the summer of 2023, focusing on Jensen Ackles, a renowned actor facing the burden of stardom. Jensen's relentless dedication to his career has left him overwhelmed and disconnected from his true self. He's caught between his desire for a break and the pressure to maintain his public image. Through conversations with his manager, Darren, Jensen grapples with the need to find balance between his demanding career and personal well-being. This story explores the challenges of fame and the quest to rediscover one's passion in the entertainment industry. When he crosses path with a photographer Saamiya Siddiqiewill she be able to help him be the man he used to be?

Jensen Ackles x ofc Saamiya Siddiqie

Chapter one.

“Behind the Lens”

A Jensen Ackles and Saamiya Siddique Love Story

Written by Samantha Williams

Summer of 2023

Chapter One: Burden of Stardom

Jensen Ackles, renowned for his dedication and passion as an actor, saw his career soar to new heights over the years. However, the weight of his stardom took its toll as time went on. The constant demands of the entertainment industry, coupled with his perfectionist tendencies, led him down a path of exhaustion and inner turmoil.

At the beginning of his career, Jensen eagerly embraced every opportunity that came his way. He tackled premieres, interviews, and promotional events with enthusiasm, believing each appearance propelled him closer to his dreams. His determination to showcase his talent and worth to the world was unwavering. Yet, with escalating demands and skyrocketing fame, Jensen found himself consistently juggling numerous commitments. Endless film shoots, press tours, talk show appearances, charity events, and Supernatural convention weekends formed an unending list. It seemed as though he lived a life meticulously governed by a tightly controlled schedule, leaving only a few precious moments for himself before the next obligation arose. This rigid structure left him with scant time for genuine rest and relaxation.

As time passed, the unrelenting pressure to perform and maintain the charismatic and charming image the public adored eroded Jensen's sense of self. He felt as if he was in a perpetual role, even when off-screen, and genuine moments of respite and authenticity became increasingly rare. The more he pushed himself, the more his true identity seemed to slip through his fingers. Reluctance to attend events and interviews stemmed from a deep-rooted fear of losing himself entirely. He had heard stories of actors who had burned out, sacrificing their personal lives and well-being for the allure of fame. Becoming one of those cautionary tales was a fate he vehemently opposed. Despite this, he yearned for reality, for a connection to his craft that went beyond the glamour of the red carpet.

His desire for a break, a chance to catch his breath and reignite his passion, stemmed from his need to regain control over his life. The exhaustion he felt wasn't solely physical—it permeated his emotional and mental well-being. He longed for a space where he could delve into new roles without the suffocating weight of expectations. A space to rejuvenate his creativity and rediscover the joy that acting had once brought him.

Jensen's internal struggle was further exacerbated by his perfectionism. He held himself to incredibly high standards, consistently striving for excellence in his performances. This self-imposed pressure made it difficult for him to strike a balance between his career and self-care, ultimately leading to periods of burnout and frustration.

Currently, Jensen lounged on the plush couch in his comfortable Austin residence. His fingers tapped idly against the armrest as he gazed out the window. Beyond the glass, the muffled hum of the city provided a stark contrast to the tranquility he desperately sought. He ran a hand through his tousled hair, emitting a sigh as he glanced at the blinking notification light on his phone. He knew what lay in wait—a stern message from his manager, Darren Wright.

With a resigned expression, Jensen unlocked his phone and opened the message. The text stared back at him, sharp and unyielding:

“Jensen, we need to talk. Your recent absences from events and interviews are causing a stir. This is not the time to vanish, give me a call asap.” he had underlined asap and even bold-capped the words, that Jensen felt it was yelling.

Jensen bit his lip, the words hanging heavily in the air. He couldn't evade this conversation any longer. With a sigh, he dialed Darren's number, his thumb hovering over the call button. Each ring of the phone felt like a countdown to the impending confrontation.

"Jensen, finally decided to answer, huh?" Darren's voice crackled through the line, a blend of irritation and concern.

"Hey, Darren," Jensen greeted, aiming for casual despite the unease churning in his stomach.

"Skip the small talk, Jensen," Darren shot back. "We have a problem. Your recent absence from interviews, events, and that charity appearance last week—is causing a stir. Do you grasp the implications?"

Jensen reclined further, his gaze fixed on the ceiling. "I understand, Darren. I've been... overwhelmed."

"Overwhelmed?" Darren's voice sharpened. "Jensen, you're a top-tier actor. People count on you, and your disappearing act damages your image and our contracts."

"I get it, Darren. But you need to comprehend," Jensen's frustration bled into his words, "the ceaseless demands, the unending travel—it's draining. I need a breather."

"In this industry, you're not the sole one grappling with pressure, Jensen," Darren remarked. "But they don't vanish like you do. You hold responsibilities, commitments."

"I'm not seeking sympathy, Darren," Jensen's tone deepened. "I just need some time to recharge. To recollect why I embarked on this acting journey."

A tense silence settled over the line, the unspoken tension between artist and manager palpable. "Jensen," Darren's tone softened marginally, "I recognize the challenges. But you can't permit exhaustion to dictate your choices. We can adjust your schedule, and give you some leeway. But you must show up."

Jensen shut his eyes, weariness evident in the way he sank into the couch. "I don't want to lose sight of who I am, Darren. I refuse to metamorphose into a mere performance machine."

"Jensen, I understand. Truly," Darren's voice carried a hint of empathy. "We'll find a solution, alright? Yet, you must communicate. Vanishing in this manner won't solve anything."

Jensen nodded, even though Darren couldn't witness the gesture. "Yeah, you're right. I should have spoken to you before things escalated."

"Good. We'll address this," Darren's tone mellowed. "And remember, your public image is vital. People admire you."

As the conversation concluded, Jensen experienced a mixture of relief and residual tension. He acknowledged that Darren's perspective was valid; he couldn't permit exhaustion and frustration to steer his decisions. He needed to locate an equilibrium between his demanding career and personal well-being.

After ending the call, Jensen reclined further, his gaze fixated on the outside world passing by. Amidst the vortex of fame, he recognized he had misplaced his true self. He yearned for a reminder of the passion that had ignited his journey.

A couple of days later, Jensen's phone buzzed, displaying Darren's name on the screen. Sighing, he answered the call, his apprehension evident in his voice. "Hey, Darren."

"Jensen, good to catch you," Darren's tone was businesslike yet tinged with a hint of friendliness. "Listen, we've got an important photo shoot scheduled in New York."

Jensen's eyebrows furrowed. "Another one? Can't we reschedule it?"

Darren's sigh crackled through the phone. "Jensen, you know how crucial this is for your image. We've already rearranged the dates twice to accommodate your previous requests. It's time to show up."

Jensen's fingers tightened around the phone. "I understand, but I've been feeling really drained lately. I could use some time off."

"Jensen, I get that you're tired," Darren's voice softened, "but this is a big opportunity. It's for a prominent magazine cover, and the theme aligns perfectly with your upcoming project. It's a chance to showcase a different side of you."

Jensen leaned back, his eyes narrowing as he considered the proposition. "I know, but I just feel like I'm running on fumes here. I need a break."

Darren's patience seemed to wane slightly. "Jensen, we've discussed this. You're not the only one dealing with exhaustion. Everyone in this industry faces pressure. What sets you apart is how you handle it."

Jensen rubbed his temples, torn between his desire for a respite and the awareness of his professional responsibilities. "I'm worried about burning out, Darren. I don't want to reach a point where I can't even enjoy what I do."

“I hear you, we went over this ready the other day remember? I am truly working on it for you, just do this, then we will talk more.," Darren's voice carried understanding. "But think about why you started acting in the first place. Remember the passion, the thrill? This photo shoot could be a reminder of that."

Jensen let out a sigh, his resistance slowly giving way. "Fine, I'll do it. But can we keep it as concise as possible? I need some time to recharge afterward."

Darren's tone lightened. "Absolutely, We'll ensure the shoot is efficient, and then you can have a breather. Just remember, you're not alone in this. We're here to support you."

Jensen nodded, even though Darren couldn't see him. "Thanks, Darren. I appreciate your understanding."

"Get some rest before the trip, Jay.," Darren advised. "And remember, this shoot could be a turning point. Take it one step at a time."

As the call ended, Jensen leaned back, conflicted emotions swirling within him. He knew that relenting to the demands of his career was necessary, but he also realized that he needed to find a way to preserve his own well-being amidst the storm of fame. With a deep breath, he picked up his script and glanced at it, a reminder of the artistic passion that had driven him. He was determined to strike that balance—no matter how challenging it might be.

If you want to be tagged please let me know

@deans-baby-momma

[astral-crab]

jack and trauma and exiled parts

i watched werewolf by night again, and i have MORE THOUGHTS.

i’ve been doing a lot of trauma work in therapy lately (woo), particularly internal family systems, and it got me thinking about jack and when he talks about how any hunting is done by a part of himself that is not him. with ifs, you start looking at all the different parts of yourself, like the inner critic or the scared child or the super ragey angry one or the perfectionist, etc., and you try to ask them why they’re doing what they’re doing (for example, why the inner critic is always so mean, always berating you, etc.). and the idea is that if you converse with this part of yourself in a curious, nonjudgmental way, you’ll find out that the part is actually trying to protect you from a perceived threat. because you learned at some point in the past that you had to be or act a certain way to avoid something really horrible happening to you.

and jack talking about the wolf part of him really stuck in my head because of the ifs stuff i’m doing. and i think i figured out why. the wolf is like one of his parts come to life. a really angry, furious part who learned that in order to survive, he has to mindlessly attack everyone around him (or at least every human). he probably learned it from his family as well as from his own experience (inherited trauma and experienced trauma). anytime someone saw a werewolf, they were terrified. all they could see was a horrifying monster. people tried to kill them. hunters made entire careers out of eradicating monsters like him. which of course perpetuated the trauma.

in ifs, they talk about how parts can merge with the self, and how certain parts will be running the show when you’re triggered, sometimes for months or years at a time. and also about how the more trauma you have, the more disconnected and unaware of each other your parts can become. jack in his wolf form really reminded me of that. when he changed, his wolf took over. jack couldn’t control it or reach it. he was afraid of it and afraid of the hurt it would cause. he hated it. so much that he said it’s “a part of me that is not me.” he exiled this part of himself. and i mean, of course. that’s a terrifying thing to have to deal with.

but his wolf self isn’t as mindless a killing machine as he and everyone else believes. when jack was able to remember elsa, and then choose not to kill her, it was like he and his wolf part were starting to repair the broken connection between them. and elsa, even though she’d been completely terrified of him when he first transformed, convinced he was going to kill her—she decided to take a risk. she picked up the bloodstone and instead of wielding it against him, she put it in her pocket and put her hands up to show she wasn’t going to try to hurt him. she even approached him and called his name. she took a big risk, but she was starting to see what the wolf part of him was capable of, and she wanted to take the risk to try to reach him. she cared about him.

and you could see how surprised the wolf was after he leapt at her, when she reached up and touched his face. the wolf had NEVER been treated that way, ever. never been treated with any kindness or compassion. not until elsa. you could see how shocking it was to him.

i think that’s why this scene resonates so deeply with me. like, my inner critic part can be brutal. i fought her and hated her for a long time, because i thought she was just an enemy. just something to be excised from me. and of course she fought back against that. but now i know that, however misguided her attempts, my inner critic was actually trying to protect me all along. she demanded perfection and pointed out every flaw and mistake i ever made because she believed that if i wasn’t as perfect and put-together as possible, i’d be rejected and ridiculed. she was trying to protect me from that. when i finally realized this and saw her as a scared part of myself that was just trying to protect me in the only way it knew how, i cried. because this part of myself that had been hated and angry for so long finally felt acknowledged for her efforts and loved.* and that meant we could move forward and find better ways to cope with perceived threats.

jack, in his wolf form, for the first time saw that not only was he capable of being more than just a murderous killing machine, but also that someone else could see it too. elsa saw his humanity and showed him that she saw it.

i can just imagine how things might go in the future for jack, as he’s able to see his wolf part as more than just an exiled piece of himself that he wishes didn’t exist. he can make friends with this part of himself, connect with it, and maybe the wolf is able to let down its guard just a little bit, because it’s no longer under attack or hated by literally every single human it encounters. now it knows that it’s not just a mindless monster.

idk, it’s not a perfect one-to-one comparison or metaphor or whatever, but it’s close enough for me. i just love this short film and these characters so much, and i really hope we get to see more of jack and elsa (and ted!) one day.

________

* it may sound a little weird if you’ve never done this kind of therapy before, but trust me it’s amazing when you start to see it, see the different parts of you (we all have them), and it just fits and makes so much sense. if you’re interested in learning more about it, i recommend the book no bad parts.

[odetoagirl]

my mother always had this wonderful skill of making the world seem vicious and uninhabitable. naturally untalented, pathologically demanding and inherently perfectionistic, my mother worked incredibly hard and excelled to her own high standards in everything she put her hand to. under the impression that she could manifest anything she wanted for herself with a firm hand, she decided to have a baby, which unfortunately no one had told her would eventually turn into a person. for a little while she loved me, her incredible untitled project who could do the impossible, swiftly complete ventures she couldnt even comprehend, i was wonderful, and her controlling hands could exert their power on me as she increasingly lost her own autonomy. but as i grew,i grew down, i fell from those perceived heights and began to reflect my hostile surroundings. .

the irony of being smart is that we know best how much intelligence is always wasted on the intelligent. life, in its exceptionally simple beginnings, makes excellence exceedingly low effort and high reward, breeding lazy, egotistical creatures. thus, unbeknown to her for years, no effort was asked of me for years. incapable of evolution, as challenges beyond academia were asked of me it became apparent that totally unfledged my whole life, the ambitious willing muscle of my mother had atrophied and died within me, and consequently incapable of growth i had become paralysed as the world around me expanded and demanded of me, the sophisticated child who now fifteen years later could better be described as intelligent, but ultimately incapable. just as i had always been, i remained tearful, sickly and touch averse. entirely uncomfortable.

i spent my teenage years worrying about developing tourettes, i thought i just seemed like 'the type' for it. i thought that with such a rich inner world and so much to hide, misfourtune or irony would likely strike me with an inability to keep quiet at all to spite my growing shadow.

once i turned twenty, the fear transformed and i became fixated on an incoming schizophrenic break. regular peripheral glitches and the sounds of a ghost kettle became forewarning signals and taunts from my future. but i never broke, my eye sight just deteriorated and the distant whistles disappeared when the iron supplements began.

i had become a totally inactive agent within my own life, from an exacting mother who did almost everything for me, wrought with a perfectionism antithetical to children, and the reward of her scathing tongue when basic tasks were done well, but never done right, i learnt a helplessness and incapability of taking care of anything myself. contrary to common belief, perfectionistic parents do not often create ambitious children who cripple under the weight of their own inherited self imposed expectations, but rather most of us fall unheard of between the cracks, knowing that nothing we do will ever suffice, and that there is no prize on the other side of perfect. as disciplined as my mother was, i never knew anyone more wrought with misery and mediocrity. it seemed clear to me that one had two choices, work to exhaustion to no result, or do little at all to the same end. and where there was no reward for trying beyond risk of punishment, where avoidable, i escaped into fantasy.

so, utterly terrified in a world which seemed unrelenting, unrewarding and hostile, i have known myself only to be weak, impotent and now, utterly alone. i have frustrated everyone who has tried to help me, everyone who insists i have control and ability runs into dead ends in my conversation. so ingrained, i see a world of people with only a perceived power, it is paralysing and unlivable to realise your own lack of agency, people have invented jobs and hobbies and gods to fill the space, but the hardest working women ive ever known worked until death, towards a shimmery mirage of happiness they never achieved, with no money or legacy, unable to outrun where they started, maintaining only the illusion of progress by never looking over their shoulder.

[inamindfarfaraway]

☔️ and 🌈 for the ask game

WIP ask game.

☔Is there a fic concept you have that you'd like to just explain and share because you're not sure you'll ever write it? If so, what is it?

Ooh… I have SO MANY ideas all the time. I’m enough of a perfectionist that I really want to write them myself, to do it Right according to my vision, but I know logically that I’ll probably never get around to all of them. Here's a concept I really struggle to see myself committing to:

A Miraculous Ladybug fic that ignores everything after Season Two and follows Chloé committing to being a good person, at first just to make Adrien and Ladybug proud as Queen Bee continues to earn the public and other heroes' trust. It’s entirely from her perspective, so Marinette and Ladybug, etc., are written like different characters. Her character development is the main plot, but it’s a very natural slow burn. It isn’t that her rough edges are sanded down. The plot would span several months with several layers and I can easily see myself not finishing it. Her first big step is awkwardly saying sorry to Marinette and her other bullying victims. She isn’t used to shame and it’s gross. Marinette is rather forgiving, but Alya is not and ready to come at her if she attacks anyone again. But they mostly avoid her and she’s glad. She doesn’t want to be their friend, they still don’t meet her standards. She also hunts down the train driver she stung in "Queen Wasp" to apologize to him. She slowly grows more humble, instinctively selfless, emotionally mature and open to sincere vulnerability and deep connection, developing a healthier self-image and friendships. But she wrestles with her need for her mother’s approval. Her dad is happy to support her and proud of her initiative in changing, driven to confront his own flaws as a parent and politician. But Audrey is relentlessly emotionally abusive on the rare occasion she even bothers to think about her daughter; she's the main antagonist of the civilian plot as Hawk Moth is of the more episodic superhero plot. Chloé very gradually internalizes that Audrey is a bad person not worth imitating, respecting or talking to. Her stronger social life outside her family helps. Seeing her victims as people like her means acknowledging that she can be a victim like them. That’s why she’s been so afraid of it her whole life. Some major subplots:

Chloé processes that she’s had a crush on Ladybug this whole time, maybe via listening to Cat Noir gush about her and being like “Wait… that sounds a lot like my totally platonic inner monologue. OH SHIT”. She gets very flustered - she’s not one to be back down from a challenge, but how do you ask out a superhero? - and Sabrina isn’t much help because she’s intimidated exactly the same way regarding her own unspoken crush on Chloé herself. Chloé resorts to demanding asking Marinette and Alya to give her advice on asking a cool, popular girl they totally don’t know out, reasoning that they make plans all the time for Marinette and Adrien and unlike Mari, she’ll actually follow through. She does, and Ladybug is stunned and gently lets her down. She praises Chloé’s honesty and courage and says that she values her deeply as a friend and teammate. Chloé keeps it together in front of, but takes it hard afterward. Sabrina comforts her, but keeps quiet for fear of the same rejection. Though they do get closer, as it’s one of the first times Chloé’s let Sabrina or anyone see her be seriously hurt.

In light of being on that side of the equation, Marinette is like “I can be as brave as Chloé” and finally asks Adrien out and they get together, Adrien accepting that what Ladybug’s might do doesn’t outweigh what his friend is. They have an offscreen identity reveal a couple of chapters later and the next akuma attack, Ladybug and Cat are dating? Very confusing for poor Chloé. She’s jealous and mean with Cat for a while, but calms down eventually. Ladybug telling her truthfully that Chloé inspired her to confess her love cheers her up a little. Ladynoir is Chloé’s gift to the world, everyone!

Pollen is a proper character. Her personality, evolving dynamic with her holder and backstory are developed. You can't tell me that the Miraculous of subjugation was only used for good in the past, so a holder becoming more moral than less over time is a refreshing change of pace for her. She’s seen terrible things.

Helping Chloé deal with and detach herself from her abusive, neglectful parent makes Adrien, who saw firsthand the effect Audrey’s abandonment had on her years ago, realize that how Gabriel treats him is not actually okay either. Huh. He might… he might not be okay. But he’s so nice and obedient and careful! Can you be messed up and nice at the same time? So he starts to unpack all his baggage. Chloé joins the Anti-Gabriel Club with a passion, if she wasn’t in it already, and earns her classmates' belief and even admiration, especially Marinette and Alya's, by coming through as really kind, reliable friend to Adrien in his journey. They take turns leaning on each other in "Why doesn't my parent love me?" crises. They also talk about Emily. It's sweet. Adrien being a sentimonster and a Hawk Moth reveal are optional if you want to complicate things more. I do think it would be fun to see those narratives from the perspective of a Chloé who actually cares about Adrien, and for her to kick Gabriel in the groin, but it depends on how thin you want to spread the focus and how much you want to devastate the status quo.

Alya/Rena Rouge, who knows Chloé’s secret identity while Chloé does not know hers, learning to appreciate and support Chloé’s redemption and work with her in the field. But they’re hever, like, great friends. Chloé indeed has to learn that she can’t fix everything and win everyone over, from her peers to the people of Paris to her mother.

Either Sabrina gains the confidence to confess her love or Chloé gets good enough at that empathy stuff to notice it on her own. She realizes that she’s been falling for her best friend this whole time and they find their footing as a couple, with Sabrina getting more assertive and Chloé tackling her insecurities about romance because her parents are awful role models.

In the middle or near the end, depending on the structure, something big happens that shatters Chloé’s faith in Audrey and/or her ability to be loved in front of her classmates. Maybe Audrey cancels a mother-daughter trip bonding trip to focus on her work and only remembers to tell her at the last minute while she’s waiting to be picked up from school. Maybe Chloé hosts a party to make up for the one that went awry in “Despair Bear” and Audrey finds a reason to be angry about it and cruelly berates her. Maybe Mother’s Day or Audrey’s birthday goes south after Chloe put in heaps of effort to make Audrey happy. Audrey insults her child on TV in her debut, she isn’t particularly clever about it. The point is, everyone really wakes up to how little Audrey cares and wants to care. Chloé breaks down and gets akumatized into a new, angstier form (showing us an akuma's inner monologue) and dramatically fights her friends, possibly resisting the mind control. Maybe focus on Cat Noir? Marinette regrets convincing Audrey to stay in Chloé’s life, yells at Audrey and rejects the awesome fashion opportunities she’s offered her out of integrity. Alya volunteers her journalistic services in building a child abuse case against Audrey if Chloé decides to press charges, valuing justice more than her grudge.

Eventually André gets a divorce, defending himself and his daughter from his wife’s wrath, and Audrey moves back to New York. Somebody has to call her “ridiculous, utterly ridiculous”. She and Chloé have a goodbye scene that mirrors a flashback to the last time. Now as then Chloé is heartbroken, but she knows that it’s for the best.

If Chloé ever learns anyone else’s double life, it should be Adrien’s. She should deduce it from how well she knows him, and as proof that she’s able to imagine his complex interiority and her not having previously known everything about him, unlike before. In the first chapter she’d never guess that ‘her Adri-kins’ could or would keep a massive secret from her. But now she’s like “Of course he’s a superhero, he’s Adrien!”. He’s her everyday Cat Noir. Guys. The show we could have had if they were allowed to be real friends.

I know that sounds like I have a strong outline. But those are just plot point nuggets floating in a soup of Vibes. And to pull off all the slow burn arcs and interwoven threads with maximum impact, the fic would have be very long as I envision it, which is daunting and I don’t have the stamina for. So fly away, little fic concept! Find a writer who can unlock your full potential!

🌈 Share something soft/fluffy from your WIP.

My main WIP at the moment is about Luke Castellan growing up into the problematic disaster blorbo we know and love/hate. So it’s very sad. But there are soft moments, even if they’re also sad in retrospect. Here’s Luke and Thalia being friends.

‘“My mother told me. About the pact and how I was a forbidden kid. She told me I shouldn’t have been born.” Her voice was small and unsteady. “She never did anything like this for me. It wasn’t like your mum. She just didn’t care.” She clenched her fists. Voice growing louder and harder, she spat, “I would have run to the other end of the country even if I hadn’t been chased by monsters. She’s worse than Zeus.”

Ah. So Luke wanted to punch both her parents.

“She can go to Tartarus. Like I said, I’m glad you’re alive. And not just ‘cause you save my ass every week.”

Anyone who wasn’t could go through him.

Her glare melted. “Only every week?”

They shared a brief laugh. Though her side was wobbly, her eyes were brighter. She waved her arms and twisted her wrists, taking the time to feel herself in her new jacket.

“I’ve honestly lost count. Trust me, seeing my thirteenth birthday will be enough for me. The pressure’s off.”

“I think this is the best birthday I’ve ever had. That’s pathetic, isn’t it?”

“You could never be pathetic,” he said without hesitation.’

Thanks for the ask!

[kaffeeraum-bei-zarah]

SPRING 2024 in pics and my way to embrace Slow Living 💕

...Today I would like to show you some photos of blooming trees captured during our spring walks. But it's not the only reason why I decided to make this post (I would share the pics anyway:). In short, I will share a lesson I learned on my journey to a more balanced and fulfilling life. ✿I've often noticed that some of the most interesting thoughts and solutions to problems I try to resolve with little success for quite some time come to me so naturally and effortlessly when I am at nature(!), as it was this time too when I was reflecting on the present topic. Usually, it's like sudden insights coming up in flashes, and the pieces of a puzzle are all at once put together into a beautiful and clear picture.

Then, when I start following "my own advices", my daily life does get so much easier and harmonious, and I can deal with my daily tasks as if they were a game of colourful blocks - it becomes not a task anymore, but a fun activity.

It's an absolute truth that Nature, whether we are out in the wild or among our favorite houseplants, makes us feel relaxed and at peace. And only in this state, when we are not in resistance, under the weight of negative emotions and thoughts, the access to necessary inner wisdom is getting unblocked. Truly, the hardest thing is not trying hard. :D

...Sincerely speaking, being present in that magical (no kidding:) state of the here and now has always been in my nature. I really hate being in a hurry and any fussing around does take the cake. Yet, in our demanding, high-speed society, we inevitably end up getting lost in a whirlpool of unceasing activities -- some really important and some we've been trained to think they are. And, without us even noticing it, we're no more in connection with our true essence. The only way to leave the hamster wheel, at least marking the first steps, literally sucking the very life out of you, is to take necessary time to sit still and think through any possible ways of keeping balance between your own pace at which you can comfortably act and the imposed external requirements.

My first suggestion here would be - if there's still currently no way to get off the carousel, there must be reward options added to compensate for the hectic schedule in one's free time. Even if it's only tiny bits of these little me-moments, they will be your lifebuoy keeping you afloat until you can essentially change your lifestyle. Otherwise, accepting, though involuntary, a destructive lifestyle will inevitably bring you to the moment when the organism finally runs out its resources to handle the constant pressure. Running on empty won't last for long, only you'll end up with lost years on the side, years you could have lived freely, with joy of the flow.

ツ...I even stumbled upon a very nice song on youtube with a title just right on topic, "Get outta there."

My inner perfectionist didn't make it any easier -- I often tried to pack my days with as much accomplished stuff as possible and, of course, with best results possible. I didn't even realize that my daily schedule looked like another person's week- or monthly plan. Even when I was occupied with things I loved, there was an invisible worm-hole pushing me faster and harder to get through my endless missions grinning sarcastically from the darkness of my subconscious.

It was like a fly in the ointment of my originally harmonious self which I was gradually moving away from with every new attempt to embrace the unembraceable.

"...just a little bit more and everything will be just right," I would often say to myself. I couldn't have been more wrong! No matter how much I did, I was focusing only on things still waiting to be done. It was beyond my comprehension why so many tasks were still pending no matter how much I loaded myself... It's not that I've now learned to easily measure by eye an appropriate amount of my daily tasks. It's really quite impossible to predict how everything would go. So, just with a preliminary sketch in mind of what I'm going to do, I calmly do what is planned, one thing at a time. And then, at the end of the day, I can see what my actual norm was. Now I feel grateful and satisfied with what I could do, even if it's only a quarter of what I initially intended.

Well, a little while back, I got another reminder to realize it's high time I finally mastered the art of Slow Living. And the reason was very banal - I just got so exhausted that I didn't have any forces to proceed even with trivial home routines. I didn't give a damn of whether I did something or not during the day. I just wanted to be in my own world, together with my senses. Just being and breathing. I began to do things which I could slowly and joyfully drown in, at my own pace, without checking the clock. I've been deliberately focusing on living that state every moment since then. And it started gently bringing me back to my true self.

...I've come across a funny but so true thought the other day - an american professor emeritus of medicine and the creator of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, Jon Kabat-Zinn suggests an idea that we are the civilazation of human doings and now need to learn how to be human beings!

...STATE over action. It's not only about slowing down physically . Very important is to pay attention to how you feel inside. You may look and act calm, but if you have this fussiness inside, it ruins the whole thing. That hectic inner state I happened to experience in my late childhood and early youth caused a disfunction in my thyroid (now thankfully almost healed:). A clear evidence how mind and emotions influence the physical body.

One more extra chance to finally learn the lesson was when I once cought a cold. Imagine, when you are in bed with fever, cough and other typical common cold pleasures, you do nothing from your normal routine and the only prevailing thought is how to get better the fastest possible. Usually it takes you a week to recover, and guess what? Everything is fine! The Earth is still spinning and everything goes its normal course around you in spite of the fact that you've temporarily fallen out of the clip.

...Another paradoxical thing I noticed since I started learning to live in a constant state of mindfulness was that in a slow mode I can accomplish much, much more that I used to when I was really hard on myself.

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” -- Lao Tzu

......I wish my past self could read all I have written here back then, thus I would have been saved from that stupid anxiety poisoning my reality for quite some time. And I am not a workaholic, you know. It's just that I have many interests, I love knowledge and always enjoy filling myself with new information and ideas that will feed my soul and that, ideally, I can practically implement. I just wanted to soak in and process as much necessary stuff as possible... And I didn't even notice how it became a strict duty rather than a natural joy of learning and creating. Hmm... I can't get enough of knowledge. Does it sound like I might be a philomath though? Is it still good...? :)

Also, there's always a reason behind any self-destructive behaviour. I happened to come through many turbulences in my childhood, though there definitely were a lot of precious moments thanks to which I could always feel connected to my true self no matter what, and that's apparently how I came to living the way where I subconsciously tried to compensate for all the lack of positive experiences during my girlhood.

...Now, a few simple steps I've taken on the way to a more happy, balanced and efficient self:) It may take some time to build a new mental attitude, but if you maintain a constant practice, quite soon it will become absolutely natural. For me, somehow, it works like instant magic. Because once you start doing something differently, even a little bit, the whole course is getting changed. So, if you are in a similar situation and ready to break the vicious circle, here's how:

First of all, something to consider -- we are not slaves to our have-to-dos. It's us who set out priorities and distribute tasks throughout a necessary time period (day, week, etc). ✿I also like to keep in mind two or three next things to do, just for reference. Thus I am not lost in the present moment not knowing what's gonna come next (as that would be another reason for anxiety:), but I have a comprehensive panorama of my upcoming activities. Even if time doesn't allow to proceed with other pre-planned things, I still like to know what's next on my plate, and I feel calm just because I can easily follow the route clearly marked on my mind map. ✿There's time when it feels right not to do anything at all and just drift with the flow. A full day (or more if needed) drift experience:) ✿If you "fail" to do something, that's okay as well, let it be so. "You can do it!" ...later. Let's not forget, our way is a 'no-pressure' way. The excitement and joy of learning and creating flow freely and it's not a race anymore.

Do everything quietly. When I notice that I start fussing around about something again, I slow myself down deliberately. Remember yourself as a child? There definitely were moments when you were so immersed into your favorite activity that you completely lost track of time. Our beloved Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." - Matthew 18:2-5

Okay, its easy to be lost in things you love. But what about doing something that's kinda bothersome? The principle is the same - no fuss. You just have to do something, and there's no way you can avoid it, so start doing it calm, cool and collected. And then comes my favorite part - reward yourself after you have done that annoying thing :). It can be absolutely anything that uplifts you - a visit to your fav place like wandering around at a shopping mall, stopping by at a cafe you've been looking forward to visiting, a walk in the park to get your dose of eco-therapy. At home, treat yourself with something yummy, cozy up with a magazine or watch some cartoon series. There're countless ways actually to gladden yourself! ⌛Some things may be painlessly postponed, and I see it also as a nice way of dealing with a tight schedule without spoiling the inner balance.

When I'm super tired or just don't feel like doing a certain activity which has to be done anyway, I keep doing it, only more slowly. Even if it looks like a scene from a slow motion movie, that's fine. That's fine for this particular moment that we should overcome.

Split the things to do into parts and do them by portions. For example, if I watch a youtube video that lasts, say, 30 minutes or more, I can watch it only for 5, 10 or 15 mintues. (I don't close a tab then, and continue watching later right from where I had stopped). You can implement the same to any other activities that can easily be split, like e.g., your house chores. If you can't do the whole thing in one sitting, split it into smaller tasks and proceed doing them one by one as time allows. Thus you'll be progressing no matter how small your steps are. You're not stuck 'cause you did at least something. You are still moving forward...

When I have several things on my plate to choose from, yet in hesitation which one to choose, I consciously take one thing or another saying to myself "Okay, now I'm doing ...this... ." You can say it outloud or in your mind, no matter. Like, "well, now I'm reading this magazine." And then the action itself - grab it and start leafing through. I read about this psychological trick years ago. It helps to get rid of any irrelevant thoughts about other stuff on the agenda, as I give my brain a command to be focused on the current activity only. It's so simple but works really great right from the moment you pronounce it. You make a clear decision, then you start acting accordingly and the hesitation related nervousness is dissipated. It is the power of choice in action :)

Do more of what you love. It's not about that poisoning "doing more", but about making time for your favorite activities every day. Even if it's just a few minutes only, do it anyway, and you will be rewarded with a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment. Because if you're constantly postponing doing things you love, you'll end up having to repeatedly accomplish undesirable stuff most of your time. If you don't start including "happy stuff" into your daily agenda, there'll always be something "more important" distracting you from doing what really makes you happy. ✔So many things might be getting piled up that we shifted for "some time later". So just start doing it little by little. Watch not a whole movie, but 5 or 10 mintues of it as time allows. Next time you will see the rest of it. “Slow progress is better than No Progress." - Jami Gold, {an Award-Winning Fiction Author, Developmental Editor, Workshop Presenter, and Blogger about the craft, business, and life of writing.}

Add a parallel task to your main activity if possible. E.g., I like to listen to my favorite music while doing house chores. I listen to educative and spiritual videos on youtube while doing some fancy work (crocheting or embroidering), or while having my 15 minute beauty time with a face mask on. Thus, I can kill two birds with one stone (ugh, that's kinda cruel! Anything more kind? .......yeah, I've just googled for a 'compassionate replacement' and it suggests this one - "Tie two loose ends at once.":)

And finally, to support your nervous system while you're learning to embrace a new lifestyle, it's very important to practice deep breathing and develop a feeling like "I am home in my body." I also love to rely on herbal teas with a calming effect - passiflora, chamomile, valerian, lavender and hops are very helpful.

Well, since I started to live this way, my daily life improved so much -- I calmly choose what to do and when I do it, and I can always relaxedly track my progress. (This is also thanks to a special daily schedule structure I had to develop myself by trial and error, because none of the existing examples worked well for me. This scheme simplified my life immensely. I can switch between activities easily knowing that nothing is forgotten. I would like to speak about this more in detail in one of my next posts:) So, with all this, no matter how much I did or how little, I always give myself a pat on my back for what's already been accomplished.

” …slow living is not about living your life in slow motion; it’s about doing everything at the right speed and pacing instead of rushing. By that same logic, slow living is not about losing time by going slowly; it’s about gaining time by doing the things that are most important to you.” - Kayleigh Dray, stylist

...thus, for me, living slow is not about doing less either (eventually, I can often accomplish more than I expect). It's about being gently present in every moment, knowing what to do and moving at my own pace. Quality over quantity approach, in everything.

Well, I don't even know if anyone would ever read this or not, but I just wanted to share my story, because I hope that someone could benefit from it and get out of the similar situation with ease. Also, commiting my thoughts into this digital paper here helps me a lot to organize my instrospection process. It's kinda win-win. :)

...And an absolutely amazing message! I've come upon it right now on youtube and it is just so on point!... ツ

[liberterkedi]

Decay...

The class distinction among those not satisfied with their lives is excessive. A fundamental example of this is evident in the portraits of unhappy individuals in today's society.

In the era where everyone functions as an element of capitalism, they express themselves through their bodies on social media rather than through ideas. While bodybuilders were once considered athletes, today everyone endeavors to aesthetically enhance their bodies, struggling to find a place in the showcase. This critique extends beyond physical health, pointing out symptoms of social media viral infections. Life, as the famous Iranian director suggests, is shallow and open:

"I believe existence is just an illusion. If we accept that everything is in a transitional state, embrace the nature of movement in our lives, and abandon sticking to a goal, we can grasp life better and derive more pleasure from it."

But today, people don't question; they only consume!

Everyone indulges in a selfish masculinity, becoming commodities of the system. In the future of the children, humanity's only hope, the corridors of anxiety created by the smallest organisms we consider superior pollute their futures with wounds, respiratory failures, hopelessness, animosity, hatred, massacres, and more.

Why don't we stop?

The only reality that doesn't deserve this tragedy is the children. Rectifying this nightmare we've created will come to fruition when we realize our intellectual and moral obligations. Otherwise, if we, when faced with criticisms from children who curse our past, develop a new generation of criticism rather than remaining silent, we will become nothing more than the cancer cells of this illusory life form inherited from our elders. In fact, we are the ones turning our past into a graveyard and condemning our future. No one trusts each other. Goodness is a choice, and evil is the application of human definition.

Social decay is increasing for this reason!

While everyone is a miserable Quasimodo, everyone desires a priest. The true hero of this story is not Esmeralda or the despotic priest but Quasimodo, the one who writes and directs the story.

The candid description of non-acceptance reveals that behind many situations perceived as irresponsible from an external perspective or deemed lazy or irresponsible internally, there is an underlying perfectionism in most passive actions. The belief of being flawless and only acting if perfection can be achieved is a fundamental aspect of the contemporary passive human portfolio that prevents a person from taking action towards what they have done or will do. The reason for this is that the perfectionist person is unconsciously aware that satisfying the demanding voice within is impossible. Faced with this, the person enters a "freeze" reaction and never takes a step towards that action. Subsequently, the person is labeled as "irresponsible." In reality, the person thinks, "...why bother starting if I can't make it perfect as the inner voice desires?"

...these individuals struggle seriously to initiate their actions. They attempt to take responsibility but often fall short. Instead, recognizing and working on the demanding and coercive voice within, which desires perfection, leads to much more lasting changes in these individuals.

This tale is an analogy for societal deformation. Our inability to end the dominance of those we label as foolish in society removes all slogans, extracting their hatred from their children by becoming unconscious!

Actually, if I knew I wouldn't encounter my mother... I would become a master serial killer, dictating my own life. But unfortunately, the only debt children have is the agony of continuing their lives for mothers who love them unconditionally.

[thewalkingchipmunkk]

a fictional tale #4

<forgiving>

- Life of Shane Parker

I like how my free-spirited self is embedded underneath the manufactured behaviour of mine. This vicious society perpetuates us to obey the social rules and laws dictated by the elite, the corrupt, the “scum” of the earth. We are afraid to do anything to defy the majority, provide a fresh voice amongst the tainted and norm, and write our own legacy with our unabashed honesty and rigour in our views and beliefs. How is it possible that as days go by, we are becoming carbon copies of one another— we think alike, we feel constrained and limited, we feel used, we feel our huge reserves of potential are slowly going to waste, we feel we are rivals, not allies, and every opportunity is meant for us to outrun each other, we feel…

Can someone be original, be authentic, and please, be the scent of my life? Put the stop to this madness and fast-paced competitive rat race that will put us all to shame and devastation as we yield to lust and temptation. Let’s not throw our wealth away, and be conniving creatures. Let’s not destroy each other for no apparent reason. Let’s try to uplift each other. Let’s start from scratch, and build from there— like lego blocks, every piece emphasises the essentiality of teamwork where only with its presence, we can achieve greater things together as one.

As I say this, I fear for my own madness looming ahead. I am bounded by my own years-long inner loneliness and grief, unable to escape my own ill fate. I resent the people not able to see through my mask. Is it that it is silicone and I wore too long that I forgot it was a foreign entity, not my flesh and bones? Maybe I just am too guarded by the “nasty artworks” and whisperers around me that I know for sure knives would penetrate deep in me once my back is exposed to them. Maybe I am just too hurt by my past ordeals that opening up was not an option because I deserve lasting peace. Is it wrong to be a little well-tamed robot and lost my own originality and spark? I so yearn the days I can see myself being highly ambitious, witty and playful, treating everything at face value, once knowing I am safe in the arms of my comrades swimming around me.

What’s worse, recently, I have stopped my Oscar-worthy life performance and decided to just put on the misery expression, to denote a “I’m a gloomy boy, please begone” face. I’m sure they know how many times my face was begging for desperation to be seen and understood and appreciated. Yet, they still choose to assume as a well-fed and grown adult, I can still function and perform demanding tasks without fail (which I assure you, I am capable and equipped). Knowing there should not be any room for error, and chasing after my elusive goals, with my perfectionistic nature coming into play strong and undefeated, I am soon my own demise. I repeat, to suffer in this ill-fated life. As my brain keeps churning of endless possibilities and question marks, I live in anxiety and stress, not wanting to make a foolish error and live in perils and shame anymore. I do not want to be seen less, and feel inferior to the rest I show no respect to. I do not want to be worse off than these people— merciless creatures that were so ready to crush me when I was so down and fell so hard. To underperform and let myself down is like a first-grade crime committed.

I know, everyone, I should not push myself like that. But then again, am I to be blamed? I will say no to victim-blaming because I need no pity party, and like how many here fail to sympathise someone’s plight, I shall say no more. Life has hardened my skin, thrown salt on my burning wounds, and cracked my skull with its velocity. I am a broken individual, unseen and unheard, unwarranted and unwanted, unconfident and unknown, as I sauntered down the dark alley, with tears glistening my face, into the raging sea cheering at the sight of its prey. At my final stretch, I look into the reflection and saw nothing humane but the face of cold-blooded murderer with a crooked smirk.

“You take him or me,” I bellowed against the roaring night breeze as an empty vessel emerged above the horizon casted by the dim moonlight.

[oraclekleo]

Jeon Jung Kook (BTS) Relationship Role Analysis based on Tarot Reading

Hello and welcome!

I’m Kleo and I’m here to present some k-pop related tarot readings to you.

Disclaimer:

I would like to state that all these readings have a purely entertainment nature and their purpose is to bring some fun into my and hopefully yours lives. I have never ever met any of the idols / actors / celebrities in my readings, I don’t know them personally. Tarot reading isn’t an exact science and I can never guarantee any of it. Most of it is my intuition mixed with fantasy. Don’t take these readings seriously and don’t base any important decisions on tarot readings only, use your common sense.

If you wish to request a tarot reading, please read the pinned post on my profile first to see the instructions on how to request. I only do readings for idols / actors / celebrities of 18 years of age or older. Requests for readings including younger people will be automatically dismissed. If you feel uncomfortable with these tarot readings, do not engage in reading my posts. Thank you for understanding.

Reading Info:

Rating: 18+

Reading Type: Single - Couple

Requested: Yes - No

Deck: E. A. Poe

Spread: Relationship Role

Questions:

Friend

Boyfriend

Lover

Husband

One-Night-Stand

Full Name: Jeon Jung Kook

Stage Name: Jungkook

Group: BTS

Jeon Jung Kook

Jungkook (BTS)

Deck: E. A. Poe

Spread: Relationship Role

Friend - Knight of Swords, 5 of Wands

When it comes to friendship, Jungkook can be a pain in the ass. He’s likely very smart but he also likes to show off and can be stubborn and unwilling to compromise or change his opinion. It can cause tension between him and his friends. The fact that he’s usually right isn’t exactly sweetening things for his companions. He needs to learn to maintain calm and respect that everyone has the right to be wrong and make mistakes and stop forcing people to do things his way.

Boyfriend - Ace of Cups, King of Pentacles

While being a jerk of a friend, Jungkook absolutely changes colours when dating. He’s sensitive, caring, overflowing with affection and sweetness towards his love interest. He’s pampering them with all the best world can offer, becoming a sort of a sugar daddy. He simply loves his date too much to ever refuse anything to them. He wants to be admired by his lover.

Lover - I The Magician, Ace of Swords

When it comes to the physical aspect of a romantic relationship, Jungkook is a truly well educated lover. He’s likely to be interested in all sorts of techniques and his theoretical knowledge is vast and abundant. However, he might feel like lacking the opportunity to actually practise in real life. His demands are high, he’s a perfectionist and he’s searching for the right person to experiment with.

Husband - Ace of Wands, 10 of Pentacles

If Jungkook got married now, he would be a happy and devoted husband. He’s likely dreaming about having a big family, leaving a great legacy behind. He would be a very fun and easy going husband and father. Jungkook would likely make sure his family is well secured on a material level and all the members are encouraged and inspired to pursue their individual dreams.

One-Night-Stand - Queen of Cups, 5 of Pentacles

Jungkook has likely mixed feelings about one night stands. He wants to follow his instinct and hook up with someone based on his intuition but at the same time he feels some inner moral conflict about it. He might want to solve the dilemma by simply getting drunk and let the faith lead him.

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[bvidzsoo]

No one like you

 Author: bvidzsoo

 Warnings: light swearing, overload of fluff for the light hearted

 Pairing: Kim Mingyu x female reader

 Word count: 15, 074 

 Summary:  On a very important day you get a call from your sister asking you to babysit her daughter. She knows how important the project is for you and wouldn’t have bothered to ask you if it really wasn’t urgent. And you know that, so you reassure her that you’ll babysit Jieun. However, you get a little surprise when Kim Mingyu, your brother-in-law’s best friend, shows up unannounced, did I mention he’s also your ex? 

 A/N: Holy moly what a ride this one shot was writing! I had no idea I had the capacity to write something as fluffy as this bUT! THIS IS KIM MINGYU! and I love Kim Mingyu too much, so this is me channeling my inner love haha. Hope you enjoy it and I would love to read your feedback!

       The studio has been buzzing with people the whole week. The new exposition was going well and I was proud that my works gained so much attention in so little time. I have been painting ever since middle school, a small and innocent passion became the job that allows me to put bread on my table every day. I never imagined that one day I would become a well-known painter, it just seemed surreal. But it happened, in my sophomore year, I painted a little piece for a contest and I won, gaining a lot of attention. Ever since then things changed, but they really only changed after I finished high school. I didn’t go to college, like many of my peers, I downed myself into the world of art and went around Europe, researching and learning as much as I could about the painters. Somewhere along the way, in Switzerland to be exact; I was actually taking a break; is where I met my manager. Hansol Vernon Chwe. He had a fine eye for art, very sophisticated taste and unique views. Through him, I met Xu Minghao, my second-in-hand. Minghao was mesmerizing, his mere presence could capture your whole attention. Everything about him was delicate, his taste was even finer than mine and he was ruthless. He knew what he wanted, always, and wasn’t afraid to demand it. Only wanting the best, always striving to be the best. I’m a perfectionist, I rarely let loose and I’m obsessed with order. Minghao and I clicked instantly, it was love at first sight, in a very platonic way. Ever since Vernon introduced me to him, we’ve been working together. Minghao is a painter as well, his style rigid and very colorful, meanwhile mine is warm and homey. We run the studio together, he’s a few years older. It was his idea to work together, to build the studio together, to give it life together. It was his project of a life time, his very own dream, and when he shared it with me, asked me to join him, I knew I couldn’t refuse him. It was great exposure to the both of us and it wasn’t a big surprise of how well it worked.

I was busy talking to a client when my phone started ringing, cutting my words off. Vernon threw me a displeased look, they were clients from France and they wanted a contract with me, some of my paintings would be exposed in their art gallery if I went through with the deal today, but when my phone rang for the second time, I knew I had to excuse myself. I wouldn’t have to, if it wasn’t my sister calling. She had a different ringtone, on purpose, and she knew I was busy today, so, she wouldn’t have called unless it was something very important.

“I’m so sorry for bothering you!” Were her first words as I picked up, eliciting a chuckle from me.

“Yeah, I’m talking to some very important people, right now, Joohyun. What’s wrong?”

“Wonwoo and I got stuck.” Her sigh was loud and I listened closely, eyebrows furrowing.

“Where?”

“On the highway, we are still three hours away, traffic is insane, again…”

“Okay, what can I do?” I asked, already knowing it involved Jieun, my 4-year-old niece.

“Jieun’s nanny has to leave in an hour, something came up for her…can you go over? Look after her until Wonwoo and I get back?” I bit my lower lip, thinking hard. Can I leave the studio in an hour? The event goes on the whole day and I am supposed to stay. But if Jieun needs me, our parents live on the other side of the country they won’t be able to come in such a short time, I had no choice but to make it work.

“Yeah, sure, don’t worry. I’ll go babysit her.” I reassured Joohyun and she sighed out relieved.

“Thank you, Y/N, you are a life saver!” Came Wonwoo’s deep voice through the speakers, no doubt my sister was using the car’s Bluetooth to speak on the phone.

“Sure thing, Won, see you later. Drive safely, brother-in-law!” After my sister and her husband bid me their goodbye’s I hung up the phone and went to find Minghao and Vernon. Vernon just finished talking to the French clients and as I neared him, he shook his head.

“What could have been more important than this deal?”

“My sister.” I deadpanned and Vernon sighed as he nodded his head.

“Well, I made the deal. So, if you want to back out, we can’t anymore. The paintings we talked about will be shipped off to Lyon next week.”

“That’s alright with me. For how long is the contract?” I let my eyes run over the people inside the studio, eyes falling on Minghao. He was standing next to one of his painting’s, a glass of red wine in his hand as he spoke to three blonde females. They were giving him suggestive smiles but Minghao paid little to no attention to them as gazed at his painting proudly.

“Contract is for two years, Y/N.” Vernon answered me and I nodded with my lips pursed, waving Minghao over once we made eye contact. He excused himself and jogged over, a bright smile on his lips.

“Everything good?” He asked with his honey voice and Vernon nodded.

“So, uhm…” I cleared my throat and looked at them apologetically, “I have to leave in an hour.”

“Oh?” Minghao asked surprised, looking at Vernon to see if he knew about this already, but he didn’t.

“Joohyun called and asked me to babysit Jieun, her babysitter has to leave in an hour.” I explained to the guys and Vernon’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Is there no one else that could go?”

“No, I’m sorry, I really want to stay, but I just—can’t.” I sighed and Vernon nodded in understanding.

Minghao’s eyes lit up in sudden realization as he pointed his glass of wine at me, “Mingyu.”

“Uh…what about Mingyu?” I asked confused, looking at Minghao with furrowed eyebrows.

“Call him and tell him to babysit Jieun instead of you.” He proposed his idea and I took a second to think.

“I’m sure Joohyun and Wonwoo thought of Mingyu first.” Minghao went to cut me off but I raised one finger at him, “Joohyun knows it’s important what we are doing today, she really wouldn’t have called if Mingyu was available, okay?”

“Sure.” Minghao muttered with a sigh and Vernon patted my shoulder reassuringly.

“Don’t worry, we’ll take care of everything. Minghao will entertain the guests, no doubt.” A teasing grin came onto Vernon’s lips as he took the glass of wine from Minghao.

“Why can’t you do it, huh?” Minghao snapped back, glaring at Vernon when he took a sip from his glass.

“And this is why I didn’t want to leave…” I muttered with a shake of my head, making Vernon chuckle as Minghao shot me a glare.

“We are very competent of running things on our own, Y/N, thank you very much.” I gave Minghao a look before he returned it, challenging me. Sometimes our personalities would clash together, one more stubborn than the other.

“Chill, guys,” Vernon raised a hand in the air to get our attention, our mediator in tense moments, “Y/N, you should greet Mr. Yoon’s grandmother before you leave, she’s been looking for you.”

“Of course!” My face lit up at the mention of Grandma Yoon, the old lady having been a very loyal customer of mine. I met her through the contest back in high school and ever since we’ve kept in touch. She used to think Yoon Jeonghan, her charming nephew, and I would become a thing. She was really convinced she could make us date, but Jeonghan and I were too different. And to be fairly honest, I’m not someone very interested in relationships. I’m fine on my own, I don’t mind not having a partner. It was long since someone held me in their arms and kissed my forehead softly, but my art required a lot of attention and time that I wasn’t willing to sacrifice for someone else. I’ve been on a few dates since high school, but they never worked out. I blamed them on my atrociously high expectations but those weren’t the reasons for my failed love life. It was a person that I never truly got over, he ruined me in the best way possible, and now I just can’t find anyone that could live up to his level. No one. And it was frustrating until I realized I didn’t actual need someone to feel completed and happy. Excusing myself from Minghao and Vernon, I went around the studio with a smile on my face, searching for Grandma Yoon and Jeonghan.

       The car ride to my sister’s house took a lot longer than usual, traffic at noon was horrible in the city. I was at least fifteen minutes late by the time I pulled in their driveway, quickly getting out of the car, big bag full of supplies almost falling from my hand. I locked my car and rushed to the front door, ringing the bell. It took three seconds and the door was thrown open, a relieved look on the nanny’s face.

“I’m sorry, traffic was really bad today.” I shot an apologetic smile to the nanny and she opened the door wider, to let me step inside.

“I understand, thank you so much for coming!” She bowed her head as she pulled on her coat, stepping outside the door, “It’s really urgent.”

“Hurry, then…” I motioned for her to leave with my head and she bowed a bit before rushing away, leaving me shaking my head. I closed the door and threw my heels off, music coming from the living room. I smiled to myself when a girly voice echoed to the hallway, singing along to the lyrics. I left my green, thin, coat hanging on the hanger and gripping my heavy bag with both hands, I headed towards the living room. My sister’s house was big and beautiful. Her and Wonwoo have a simple yet sophisticated taste. Their house looked a thousand times better than my apartment. As clean as I am, my apartment could be a mess from time to time. Especially my art room, where I paint, that one was always a mess. But for me that mess was order, I always knew where everything was and found whatever I was looking for within seconds. As I walked down the hallway to the living room, I gazed at the pictures in white frames that were hung up on the white walls. The pictures were of Wonwoo, Joohyun and Jieun, mostly. There were a few family portraits from both parties, Wonwoo and Joohyun, and there were even some of me and Mingyu. Actually, the one who took almost every picture was Mingyu. He has had a passion for photography since high school and continued to do it as a side job, even currently. He was borderline an artsy, borderline a jock kind of guy throughout high school, maybe that’s why he attracted all kinds of girls. Myself included.

“What a nice voice you have, Jieun!” I exclaimed as I let my bag fall to the floor once I made it into the living room’s doorway.

Jieun’s head turned away and a big gummy smile, nose scrunched up, spread on her soft face, “Auntie Y/N! You came!”

“Of course, I came, auntie wouldn’t miss any chance of spending time with her favorite girl in this whole world!” Jieun started giggling loudly as I spoke in a funny way, jumping my way towards her.

“I’m really your favorite girl?” She asked with another giggle as I reached her and scooped her up in my arms. Her weight wasn’t something I couldn’t handle; she was only four after all.

“Well…it might be Joohyun, but—”

“Auntie, bad auntie!” Jieun whined with a pout and I grinned at her, kissing her cheek.

“Bad auntie, I know.” I muttered and she pressed a soft kiss to my cheek, so I placed her down, “What were you doing with your nanny?”

“We studied a little bit of numbers, then I wanted to watch cartoons and she promised to make some French fries for me but—she’s gone now.” Jieun’s lips formed a pout and she oddly resembled a little bunny, cheeks puffing up. I laughed and crouched down in front of her.

“So, here’s my plan…” I motioned for her to lean as if I was sharing a secret with her, “Auntie brought some of her painting stuff over…so, after we paint a bit, I will make French fries for you. Cool?”

“Cool!” Jieun exclaimed loudly, clapping her hands together. I winked at her and went to grab my bag from the doorway, dragging it to the coffee table. I glanced at her as I opened the bag, her big eyes shone with excitement; she loved drawing and painting; and her nose scrunched up in the most adorable way as she smiled. She was an oddly mix of both Joohyun and Wonwoo. Sometimes, the two would start bickering about who she looked more like…in those time, of course Mingyu and I would have to interfere, and of course Mingyu would be on Wonwoo’s side meanwhile I was on Joohyun’s, just to balance out everything. But when Jieun smiled, she was the exact replica of Wonwoo, nose scrunching in the same way and eyes disappearing almost. When she was serious or pouting, she looked like Joohyun with her big eyes and delicate lips. Her beautiful dark hair reached her shoulders and she’d always brush her bangs out of her eyes, especially when she was frustrated with something. And oh my God, she was one of the most stubborn kids I’ve ever met. She knew how to manipulate people, even at the age of four, and most of the time got what she wanted. She inherited Joohyun and Wonwoo’s calm natures, never being a hyper child, nor too loud. She could be a little angel but she had her moments when she was hard to deal with.

“So…” I looked at Jieun as she kept smiling at me, “Do you have anything in mind that you’d like to paint?”

She sat on her knees close to the coffee table as she stared down at the smaller white canvas I placed on the table for her. All kinds of brushes and colors lay on the table, Jieun’s eyes running over them eagerly.

“Nothing special, maybe some trees…a blue sky…green grass…something nice.” She mused, more to herself, and I chuckled quietly as I shook my head. One day, my little Jieun, would turn into a big painter herself, making her auntie proud.

“Sounds excellent,” I raised my thumb up at her and she giggled, “Should we start?”

“Yes!” She exclaimed and quickly claimed her brush, asking me to pour some blue paint onto her palette. I did as I was asked and watched as her tongue darted out and eyebrows furrowed as she mentally imagined where she’d place the sky.

“Auntie, will you not paint?” She gave me a quick glance before swiping her brush against the canvas.

“Not today, I’m taking a break.” I answered her as I leaned against the sofa, watching her paint, “Auntie has worked really hard the past three months, I need some rest.”

“Don’t you paint though because it makes you relax?” Her eyebrows rose as she tried to lighten the blue color she placed on her canvas.

“That’s true, but I’m wearing white pants…” I trailed off with a lame excuse, making Jieun throw me an amused glance. I giggled when she shook her head, it made me feel like I was the kid and she was the adult. Jieun, sometimes, would act really mature for her age, saying meaningful things without realizing the weight of her words. Mingyu always blamed it on Wonwoo and Joohyun, who would never fail to remind their daughter certain things that would form her into a decent human being later on in life.

“I’m so excited!” Jieun giggled as she pointed at the yellow paint, and I took and pushed some of it onto her palette.

“Do you like painting so much?” I chuckled and Jieun nodded, “That makes auntie really happy!”

“Yes but no!” She exclaimed and I raised my eyebrows at her as she attempted to paint a big sun onto the blue sky she just painted, “Uncle is coming over too!”

My eyebrows furrowed as I looked surprised at the little girl sitting next to me, Mingyu is coming over?

“Did you speak to mommy and daddy, Jieun?”

“Yes, they said uncle Mingyu couldn’t make it in time so they will ask you to come instead.” She hummed and grinned at me before turning back to her canvas.

“Ah, so Mingyu isn’t really coming over…” I let out a sigh, pleased to hear he wouldn’t show up today. I haven’t seen him in over a month, and meanwhile it was a long time, it was actually refreshing. I didn’t have much time to spend time with my family as I was busy with the studio and the project Minghao and I have been working on. Mingyu was considered family, even though he wasn’t related to anyone. It’s just the way it is, Wonwoo and him grew up together, it was only natural Wonwoo considered him his brother. So that made him, indirectly, Joohyun’s brother-in-law and my…well, brother-in-law? I wasn’t really sure, it didn’t matter, I didn’t consider Mingyu really family either way. It was just weird, to look at him and think ‘oh yeah, he’s like my bro’, because we have dated in high school before, for two years. Two years of bliss and pure happiness, two years I wish I could time travel back to.

“But uncle is still coming over though…” Jieun muttered to herself and my eyebrows furrowed, but I ignored her comment. She just misunderstood what her mom and dad told her. Mingyu couldn’t make it today, so they called me instead. Just like I suspected, I knew Joohyun wouldn’t have bothered me if she had other options.

Painting the canvas went well and in-an-hour Jieun was finished, happy and proud of her work. She asked me to critically asses her painting and so I did, entertaining my little niece furthermore, her giggles filling the living room. She was so loud that I didn’t even hear the front door opening, a mistake on my part as I forgot to lock it, and the deep voice made me jump upon I heard it.

“And what do we have here…” My eyes were wide as my heart beat quickly, a loud squeal leaving Jieun’s lips before he was up on her feet, dashing towards the giant standing in the doorway. Mingyu was grinning down widely at Jieun as he scooped her up in his strong, and well-built, arms, his sharp canines showing off when his smile widened more. His black hair was disheveled, probably because he continuously runs his hand through it, and the sides stuck to his face, still wet. He was wearing black shorts that reached his knees and a sleeveless blue loose tank top, a silver chain dangling from his neck. I quickly caught myself ogling him and huffed as I rose to my feet, arms crossing in front of my chest. Truly, who knew not seeing him for a month would make him look more attractive? Mingyu, no doubt, had an incredible glow up since high school. If he would’ve looked like this during high school too, I’m sure all the girls would’ve lined up in front of his classroom to bring him all sorts of things. But even as handsome as he was now, I found him plain. Maybe because I’ve known him for a long time now, and don’t get me wrong, plain not in a bad way…he was just, plain, transparent.

“Look how excited you are to see uncle!” Mingyu teased Jieun as he poked her stomach, eliciting a loud shriek. I couldn’t help it but smile, having a big weakness for Mingyu and Jieun together. And alone, just…when it came to Mingyu, after all those years, he was still my one and only weakness. It amazed me how I never got over him one hundred percent, I just couldn’t. But I didn’t want to either, not when his flaws seemed perfect too.

“Because I love uncle!” Jieun grinned at Mingyu, nose scrunching up making Mingyu giggle.

“Of course, you love me! I’m the best uncle ever!” Jieun cheered with Mingyu as he started dancing around with her still in his arms, Jieun poking Mingyu’s cheek.

“Finally, uncle and auntie are together!” Jieun cried out as Mingyu started tickling her sides, making her laughter echo loudly in the house. It seemed like realization dawned on him upon he heard Jieun’s words, he seemed to realize that there was another person there with them, standing a few feet away, smiling at them. Mingyu stopped moving and Jieun giggled quietly, trying to catch her breath from being tickled, throwing her arms around Mingyu’s neck to give him a tight hug. Mingyu’s gaze locked with mine and I kept my smile on as he returned it.

“Look who finally showed up!” He teased and put Jieun down, acting as if his muscles were sore from holding her and he earned a light slap from Jieun.

“Well, hello,” I said with a chuckle as Mingyu walked further inside the living room, headed my direction, “Long time no see, old friend.”

“A month, to be exact.” Mingyu said, suddenly serious, as he stopped in front of me, “Are you ignoring us now?”

“As if you don’t know…” I rolled my eyes and undid my arms that were in front of my chest, to turn and walk away, but Mingyu was fast and he was already pulling me in a hug. His body was bigger than mine and whenever he hugged me, I felt like I was melting into him, disappearing from the world. This time wasn’t different, in fact, it felt like his body swallowed mine all up as he gripped me tightly. One month was really that long of a time, huh. I returned the hug, suddenly realizing his tank top was damp and he didn’t smell exactly the most pleasant, at least his usual cologne was less strong, “I was busy with the studio and—are you sweating?”

“Right now?” Mingyu started laughing and his chest rocked against mine, my eyes widened, realization hitting me. He just finished work!

“Ew, Kim Mingyu, get off!” I shrieked and tried to wrestle myself out of his bear hug, but he squeezed harder and started laughing louder and louder, “You’re sweaty, no, stop!”

“Too late, dummy!” He said while laughing and twirled me around, very amused that I couldn’t get away from him.

“Don’t make me kneel you where the sun doesn’t shine!” I threatened with a deadly voice and in two second, he let go of me, “You’re disgusting!”

“That’s not something nice to say to someone, auntie…” We heard Jieun in the background say very lightheartedly.

“That’s right, Jieunie…” Mingyu said with a pout, leaning his face closer to mine. I quickly pushed it back and it made Mingyu snort before he glanced at the canvas on the coffee table.

“Oh! Did you paint this Jieun?” He asked, eyes wide and mouth open.

“Do you like it?” Jieun asked happily, bouncing on her toes.

“Love it! It’s so beautiful!”

“Thank you!” Jieun giggled and I patted her head as she came to stand by my side, grinning at Mingyu, “Next time I could paint you!”

“Oh, uncle would love that!” Mingyu winked at Jieun playfully as he looked back at me, “Missed you, Y/N.”

My heartbeat quickened and I snorted, very unladylike, as I rolled my eyes, “Yeah, sure…Can’t say I missed you very much, I guess—Yeah, kinda? A bit, yeah, I missed you too, idiot.”

“Wow,” Mingyu breathed out, an amused smile on his lips, “That sounded like you got a brain malfunction, glad to see I still make you flustered, Bae.”

“Don’t call me Bae.” I snapped at him, eyes narrowing as Mingyu went to the doorway, picking up his discarded backpack.

“Isn’t that your family name, Bae?” A sneaky smirk crossed his lips, he knew what he was doing. Of course, that is my family name but he is using it knowing it has double meaning.

“Go take a shower Kim, you stink.” I pinched the bridge of my nose with two fingers, making Jieun laugh loudly as she pointed at Mingyu.

“Auntie is making fun of you!”

“Didn’t Wonwoo hyung teach you to not point fingers or make fun of someone, Jieun?” Mingyu’s voice turned stern, but his expression remained light. Jieun, however, knew Mingyu was being serious and scolding her.

“Sorry,” She muttered with a pout and hid her face in my pants as she turned her body into me.

“Go shower, before I cut off the warm water, you dick—” I sucked in a deep breath at the almost slip, it was already bad that I let dick slip, as Mingyu started hollering with laughter.

“Good luck explaining that to Wonwoo and Joohyun later, bae.” He called as he walked down the hallway and towards the bathroom, laughter following him. I cursed in my head as I looked down at Jieun, a big smile on her lips.

“Dick?” She asked with a giggle and my eyes widened in mortification.

“Jieun, no! Never ever say that to anyone, okay?!” I snapped, eyes narrowing at her as I leaned down to be eye level with her, “Auntie will cry if you do, I swear, Jieun.”

“Auntie will be sad if I say…dick?” She giggled again and I glared at her, trying to make her understand she couldn’t say that. How do you make a kid stop from saying a bad word? Help?!

“Auntie will bawl, Jieun, not cry, bawl!” I emphasized the word, knowing how much Jieun hated seeing people cry.

“Okay, I won’t say it at all,” She raised her pinky finger and hooked it with mine, “Pinky promise.”

“Pinky promise.” I echoed after her, biting my lower lip nervously. This will come back and bite me in the ass later, I know it, and that’s when I’ll really be bawling. Especially if Joohyun will be shouting my head off with Wonwoo throwing daggers at me, dear God, what have I done?

       Jieun was beyond excited when I told her that I would have to cook lunch for us now, and she even volunteered to watch some Barbie movie while I do that. She knew I didn’t like other people in the kitchen with me while I was cooking, I always worked better alone. Mingyu was in the shower still, his phone blasting some upbeat song that we could hear clear and loud from the living room, hallway, and even a little bit from the kitchen. I shook my head as I turned on the Barbie movie for Jieun, Rapunzel, and walked to the kitchen while throwing daggers towards the closed and locked bathroom door. Mingyu always had weird habits but ever since we finished high school, he started developing some even weirder and annoying ones, like blasting music while showering. Maybe if it was Mozart or some jazz music it wouldn’t have bothered me, but the kind of music he listened to were men and women screaming and throwing out nasty words while saying them fast, that’s not music in my opinion. But I learned not to question him about many things, his rants would leave me with a headache afterwards, he always spoke too quickly which messed with my brain. He definitely wasn’t a very patient person and it showed in many ways.

I opened the fridge and took out everything I needed for lunch. I promised to make French fries for Jieun so that was the first thing I started working on. I washed the potatoes before peeling them and washing them again, then I placed them in a bowl and started cutting them up into long, thin, sticks. Without realizing, I found myself humming a ballad I heard a while ago while preparing the studio. It was a beautiful song about a man who regretted letting go of its lover, realizing too late what an amazing person this was. I could relate, almost, but it wasn’t me who broke up with Mingyu. He wanted us to break up, so I didn’t have much choice but to move on. Something I actually failed doing, only partially though.

I prepared the oil for the fries, placing it in a pan and putting it on the cooker, waiting for it to boil. I washed some vegetables and started cutting them, preparing a salad with some yoghurt and lemon dressing. I placed the first round of fries into the pan and hissed when some hot oil collided with the skin of my wrist, I always hated cooking with oil, that shit hurt when it burned you. As I moved around the kitchen, trying to find the salt that seemed to always be in a different cupboard, I became aware of the silence coming from the bathroom. Mingyu must have finished washing up, I strained my ears and was able to hear the Barbie movie still playing in the living room. I went back to the fridge and took out the meat that Joohyun placed there last night to defrost and took it to the chopping board. I took out the sharpest knife from the drawer bellow and started slicing up the meat into, somewhat, even pieces. I always found the cleaning and slicing of meat disgusting, nowadays, I didn’t even cook it anymore for myself. But Mingyu and Jieun really liked meat, and it seems like Joohyun had in mind to prepare it today, so I sacrificed myself to cooking it, not that it’s a big deal.

“Mhm, smells good in here,” The male voice made me flinch, I always get scared from the smallest things, “What are we cooking today?”

I heard shuffling from behind as Mingyu walked further inside the kitchen, his big feet thudding loudly against the marble floor.

“I’m cooking today.” I said as I proceeded to cut off the excess fat from the meat.

“You really don’t expect me to sit back and watch you cook?” Mingyu sounded amused and I knew I couldn’t really argue with him. He loved cooking and he was really good at it too.

“I mean, I wouldn’t mind…” I trailed off as I crouched down to open the cupboard and take out a bowl, “You know I don’t like people bothering me when I do something.”

“Yeah, and if it wasn’t for me, your first round of French fries would’ve turned into ashes.” I rolled my eyes as Mingyu took his position at the cooker, taking out the French fries and dumping them into a deep bowl.

“I was about to check it…” I muttered as I proceeded to season the meat, licking the mixture from my palm. It tasted fine but I needed to mix it better so I proceeded to do that.

“From what I can see, you do need an extra pair of hands here…” Mingyu muttered with a chuckle and I felt him passing behind me to wash his hands in the sink, “Not that I wouldn’t mind sitting and watching you move around—those pants really do their justice to your ass—”

“Kim Mingyu.” I snapped and rolled my eyes, refusing to look at him and let him see the redness of my cheeks. I swear to God, he says things like that on purpose just to make me flustered. And they always work.

“What? I’m just giving you a compliment here!” He said defensively and passed again behind my back, coming a lot closer and I clenched my jaw.

“Slap my ass and I will cut off your fingers.” I warned, knowing him well enough, and Mingyu started giggling as he quickly ran past me, coming to a stop in front of the cooker. He placed the second round of potatoes into the boiling oil, no complaints coming, unlike from me. His technique was always better. I licked my finger again and hummed contently, about to wash my hands when Mingyu spoke up.

“Let me taste it!” He whined and I rolled my eyes, heading for the sink.

“When it’s done.” I muttered as I turned on the water, hand almost underneath it, when a large hand gripped my wrist and raised it up.

“Mingyu—” I choked on air when he proceeded to such off the mixture from my middle finger, knocking all air out of my lungs. He hummed with his eyes closed, lips in a pout as he released my finger from his mouth. My heart went crazy and my jaw hung open, I shifted from one leg to the other, saliva pooling in my mouth. What the fuck?!

And then my eyes proceeded to travel lower and now I was definitely turned on, “What the fuck?!”

His eyebrows rose and he looked confused as he followed my eyes, which were currently on his well defined six pack. Jesus Christ, woman, as if you haven’t seen men with six packs before! Yeah, but those men weren’t Kim Mingyu…The hand he was still holding twitched and I snatched out of his hold, mustering up my most frightening glare as my eyes connected with his. It took a lot of power to punch his biceps instead of his, very firm looking and broad, chest.

“Go put on a shirt, Jesus, Jieun doesn’t need to see you shirtless.” I scolded him and quickly turned around and washed off the mixture, before he decided to lick my whole hand clean.

“I don’t see Jieun around though…” I could hear the smirk in Mingyu’s voice and I scoffed as I rolled my eyes aggressively.

“Here or not, go put on a shirt, dickhead, no one is curious of your body. This isn’t the gym, Mingyu.” I muttered aggressively, avoiding to look at him as I reached for the towel to dry my hands, knowing well if I looked at him my eyes would be drawn to his chest instead of his face. I tensed and groaned in annoyance when Mingyu’s front was suddenly pressed up against my back, his warm enveloping mine. I hate how easily he could tease me and how easy it is to make me react; how easy it was for him to play around. I knew he only teased me because he lived for my reactions, but deep down I always hoped it was because there were still some lingering feelings for me. Maybe not, he broke up with me, after all.

“You left the water running, Y/N,” He muttered, voice low as he was so close, his breath tickled my exposed shoulder and I tried not to cover away, “Joohyun and Wonwoo won’t be too happy when their bill comes.”

“Yeah, well, how about you learn what personal space is?!” I snapped as I placed the towel down forcefully, wanting to turn around but knowing I couldn’t resist looking at his toned body, I stayed put instead.

“And miss all the reactions you give me?” He giggled as he placed his chin on my shoulder, making me sigh out loud, “That would be a total waste of my time.”

“And a lot of saving of my energy—your potatoes will turn into ash soon, so how about you move?” I raised my elbow and let it collide with his abdomen, not too harshly though. Mingyu giggled again and suddenly a new voice rang through the kitchen.

“Uncle, you’ve finished showering!” I panicked as I didn’t want Jieun to see us like this, she would tell her mom everything and I didn’t want Joohyun and Wonwoo smirking at us the next time we’ll have dinner together, “Why didn’t you tell me you’re cooking?”

Jieun was pouting and I hissed when Mingyu did nothing to move, looking at Jieun with a smug smile, “I want to help too!”

“Sure, sweetie, uncle was about to make some sandwiches, do you want to help?” Mingyu cooed at Jieun and I elbowed him again, harder this time, to make him step back. He groaned in pain and finally put distance between our bodies, when suddenly I felt teeth sinking into my shoulder.

“What the fuck?!” I couldn’t help but cry out and turn around sharply to slap a smirking Mingyu. I started back at him wide eyed as he started cackling, unphased by my slap to his side this time.

“Uncle will go and put on a shirt if he wants to live.” I said with a forced smile as I gave Mingyu a look, eyebrows raising at him, “Or do I have to make you wear one? Like a little kid?”

“Oh, bae, I can do that fine on my own.” He laughed as he walked to the table, where his grey shirt, with a deep V, was thrown down on.

“What is fuck?” Jieun asked, eyebrows furrowed, and my eyes widened as Mingyu started hollering with laughter again.

“Yeah, auntie, what is fuck?” Mingyu smirked once he was able to speak, hid laughter having died down, “I’m really curious too.”

I glared at both Mingyu and Jieun, placing my arms on my hips as I took a deep breath, “A very ugly word that only adults can use, alright?”

“Well, that’s unfortunate for you, Jieun.” Mingyu said with a shrug as he went to take the bread.

Jieun stuck her tongue out at Mingyu and I smirked as I walked towards the oven to take out the roasting tray, “I said adults, Mingyu.”

Jieun started giggling loudly and Mingyu threw me a glare as he paused slicing up the bread for the sandwiches he planned on making.

“Hand me some ham, cheese, tomatoes and lettuce, Jieunie.” Mingyu asked the little girl, watching me still as I stuck my tongue out at him before I started placing the meat into the roasting tray. Jieun pulled a chair to the fridge, climbed on it and started taking out the items Mingyu asked for.

“Thank you.” He thanked her when she waltzed back to him, grinning at Mingyu as she sat at the table, chin in her palms. I grinned at Jieun, she looked really cute. I quickly remembered the French fries and placed another round into the boiling oil, making me hiss when it went on my skin, again.

“You okay, auntie?” Jieun muttered as she threw me a glance, her eyes going back to Mingyu, who was assembling the sandwiches now.

“Yes, yes, don’t worry.” I smiled towards the girl before turning up the heat in the oven and placing the meat inside. I turned around and leaned against the counter and watched Mingyu work. His back was a bit hunched as he is very tall, his muscles flexing from time to time as he used his hands to make the sandwiches and he kept making faces at Jieun. He beaconed her over and let her place the round tomatoes into each sandwich, poking her nose and praising her once she was done. I sighed and checked on the potatoes again, stirring them a bit around.

“I have an awesome idea,” Mingyu spoke up, canines showing from how big his smile was, “Let’s have a picnic!”

“A picnic!” Jieun exclaimed, jumping up from her seat, “Auntie! We are having a picnic!”

I chuckled and nodded my head, looking at Mingyu with an impressed smile, “Seems like we are having a picnic!”

“I’m having a picnic with my favorite auntie and uncle!” Jieun shouted as she ran out into the hallway, “I will go and change! I want to wear something pretty!”

Mingyu and I laughed quietly as Jieun ran up the stairs, her feet thudding loudly upstairs as she went to her room to get changed. My eyes fell back on Mingyu, he was already looking at me, and he smiled warmly. I returned it and before I turned around, he sent a wink. I winked back and shook my head as I went to open the cupboards, looking for a tablecloth.

“I’ll prepare what we need for the picnic.” I informed Mingyu and he hummed.

“I’ll finish the rest of the potatoes, how long until the meat is done?”

“Forty-five more minutes.” I said after I glanced at my wristwatch, going around the kitchen to get the plates, utensils’ and what we else we needed.

       When forty-five minutes were up, the three of us went outside in the little garden behind the house. It was a good day, the sun high up in the sky with a few clouds here and there, and it was warm enough that you could wear a tank top and a cardigan over it. Spring was always a season I enjoyed the most. The pleasure of seeing everything bloom to life once again brought great joy for me. Taking walks in parks while the trees and grass turn once again green is a certain satisfaction you understand only if you experience it.

Meanwhile Mingyu prepared a few more dishes with Jieun’s help, I placed a blanket onto the grass and started carrying outside plates, utensils, glasses, apple juice and the food that was prepared, one by one. Jieun bounced around me the whole time, talking loudly and quickly as she told Mingyu to hurry up and bring the meat out so that we could start eating.

“Jieun,” I spoke up, looking up from my kneeling position on the blanket, “Go put on your denim jacket, sweetie, you might catch a cold in a simple t-shirt.”

“Do I have to?” She whined, lips jutting out and eyebrows furrowing.

“Yes, you do.” I gave her a look that she knew she couldn’t argue with, so she rose to her feet and ran back inside almost crashing into Mingyu when he appeared in the doorway.

“Woah, chipmunk!” He exclaimed, clutching the plate close to his chest, “We almost lost the meat!”

I giggled and shook my head at Mingyu, his eyebrows were furrowed as he turned around to shout back inside the house, making sure Jieun heard him. I sat down on the blanket, sighing out as I massaged my sore knees, I kneeled for too long.

“Stop being dramatic and bring that here.” I said when Mingyu turned back around, shaking his head in displeasure, exiting the house, “You hang out too much with Jeonghan.”

“I don’t,” He scoffed as he handed me the plate before taking a seat on the blanket, “I haven’t seen him in three weeks.”

“Oh no, did he finally ditch you?” I teased with a grin and Mingyu rolled his eyes.

“You wish, he’s my most loyal client!” Mingyu exclaimed, a proud smirk on his lips.

“Is he becoming as buff as you are?” I found myself asking absentmindedly, hating that I was confessing to having checked him out many times. It’s not my fault, his body is eye catching. The whole existence of Kim Mingyu is eye catching. You’d be a fool to be in a room and not notice him, his sole presence is powerful and like a magnet.

“Oh, so I’m buff?” I rolled my eyes as Jieun came running out the house.

“Yeah, whatever,” I muttered, smiling when Jieun plopped down next to me, “Ready to have lunch?”

“This is the best day of my life!” Jieun screeched and I chuckled, poking her cute cheek. Mingyu giggled quietly, grabbing a plate and starting to put various foods on it. Jieun watched him eagerly and so did I, failing to notice the fond smile on my lips.

“This one is for the princess,” He deepened his voice and did a little bow as he handed Jieun the plate, “From your loyal servant, Kim Mingyu.”

“No!” Jieun giggled, taking the plate excitedly, “You are uncle Mingyu! Not my servant!”

“Let me spoil you for a second, Jieun…” Mingyu said with a sigh, grabbing another plate. I handed Jieun her fork, she still struggled with her chopsticks, and placed a napkin on her lap.

“Don’t stain your pretty skirt, okay?” I asked and brushed her bangs out of her eyes.

“Don’t pressure her, Y/N,” Mingyu shot me a look, “Don’t worry about that, Jieunie, just eat freely!”

“You really do spoil her too much…” I chuckled, leaning forward to grab a plate but Mingyu slapped my hand away, “No wonder Joohyun complains about you.”

“She does?!” Mingyu made an offended sound and I watched as the, now, plate full of food was handed at me.

“Thank you.” I muttered with a smile, suddenly feeling shy at the look he was giving me. I looked away and turned my head quickly, reaching for my chopsticks. Mingyu remained quiet and I could feel him still looking at me but Jieun spoke up.

“The French fries are so good!” She exclaimed, making a ‘mm’ sound as she stuffed her mouth with more, “You cook better than mommy and daddy!”

“We do?” I asked with a laugh, glancing at Mingyu, who was smiling smugly.

“Of course, we do!” He gave me a look, “You’re sitting next to Korea’s biggest chef!”

“You wish.” I snorted meanwhile Jieun started giggling, shooting finger guns at Mingyu who winked back at her. It was heartwarming to see Mingyu and Jieun interact, their personalities were weirdly quite similar. Except, Mingyu was acting like a child sometimes as an adult and Jieun was still a child, she had an excuse. I liked spending my time with the two, I felt refreshed and full of positive energy afterwards. Even Mingyu’s teasing could feel pleasant after a long and tiring day at the studio.

“How’s the studio going?” My ears perked up when Mingyu spoke up, eyes on me.

“Oh, pretty well,” I said after swallowing, “The exposition is going well, I wish I was there…”

“Yeah, sorry,” Mingyu scratched his chin, shooting me an apologetic smile, “I thought I wouldn’t be able to come look after Jieun today, that’s why I told Joohyun to ask you. I had three more clients that were supposed to come in but Jeonghan is apparently sick, the other pulled a muscle two days ago and can barely walk and well the third one—I forgot.”

“You always forget things, uncle…” Jieun said with a giggle, dipping her French fry into ketchup. I leaned over the bowls placed in front of me on the blanket and grabbed the one with the salad.

“You have to eat vegetables to stay healthy, Jieun, not just junk food.” I said as I pushed a bit of the salad on Jieun’s plate, making her scrunch up her nose in disgust.

“You’re like dad, ew.” She muttered, shooting me a cute glare. I giggled and put the bowl down, turning towards Mingyu.

“I get it, don’t worry…” I reassured him with a smile, eating more of the meat from my plate, “I just worked so hard for this exposition and—you know Vernon and Minghao! They always find something to disagree on and to be honest, I hope they can keep it together at least until the event is over…”

Mingyu’s eyebrows furrowed as he nodded in understanding and he placed his right hand on my thigh, giving it a small squeeze, “Don’t worry, Vernon and Minghao know how much this means to you. And, besides, they would be jeopardizing themselves too if they fuck up, so…maybe that’ll make you sleep better at night—”

I started laughing, loudly, as I squeezed my eyes shut the food still in my mouth. Mingyu paused talking and his eyebrows were raised as he exchanged glances with a confused looking Jieun. It made me laugh more and I had to place my plate down and swallow carefully, my body rocking with laughter.

“Uh—I’m sure what I said wasn’t that funny—” And then Jieun started laughing too and I couldn’t help it but laugh harder. Jieun was clapping her hands excessively as she kept pointing her finger at Mingyu’s face, unable to say much.

“Un—uncle—you—” I tried to take deep breaths and calm down. Mingyu’s confused face turned into an angry expression, plate sitting on his thigh, as he crossed his arms in front of broad chest.

“What.” He snapped, eyes falling on me now that I stopped laughing.

“You—” I took a deep breath, calming my racing heart and clutching my stomach, “Have salad stuck between your front teeth, I’m sorry—”

I started giggling again and Mingyu’s eyes widened as he started chuckling, sticking his finger in his mouth to take care of the stray salad stuck between his teeth.

“Ew, uncle!” Jieun screeched, closing her eyes, “Cover your mouth when you do that!”

“Yeah, did your parents never teach you that’s disgusting?” I threw him a disgusted look and Mingyu grinned once he cleaned his teeth.

“You dared to laugh, at me,” He pointed at himself, straightening his back, “The great, Kim Mingyu?”

“Please…” I rolled my eyes with a scoff and gave Jieun a look, a look she returned with an amused grin.

“You shall face the punishment now!” I scoffed again and Mingyu leaned over the food and started poking Jieun’s sides, making her laugh again. She swatted at his fingers, throwing him a glare when he stopped.

“That’s not funny…” She muttered to herself as she resumed eating and I chuckled about to eat as well, when I felt a jab in my side.

“You don’t want to do this, Kim Mingyu,” I warned him, pointing a chopstick at him, “We both know you are more ticklish…”

“A punishment is a punishment, bae.” I rolled my eyes at the nickname but of course, Mingyu quickly started tickling my side and I started jabbing him with my chopstick wherever I could.

“Fight, fight, fight!” Jieun started chanting playfully and I huffed as I caught Mingyu’s wrist and stopped him.

“Seriously, don’t.” He pouted and pulled his arm back, throwing me a glance.

“You’re no fun.”

“Do you want me to tickle you?” I raised my eyebrows, wriggling my fingers when Mingyu glared.

“No.”

“That’s what I thought.”

Halfway through the meal, Jieun said she had enough and got up and ran to the little swing they had for her in the garden. Mingyu and I remained on the blanket, splitting what Jieun left on her plate and eating that too. Once we were finished, I poured him some apple juice, then for myself, and we drank it quietly while watching Jieun run around. I chuckled when she started playing with a small butterfly flying by, handing my cup to Mingyu when he asked for it. He gathered our plates, the bowls of food and put them on the far end of the blanket, away from us so that it wouldn’t bother us. Mingyu was leaning back on his forearms as his eyes followed Jieun around, a fond smile on his lips. I sighed and glanced at him, my eyes falling on the black camera resting by his thigh.

“How’s that business going?” I spoke, getting Mingyu’s attention. He followed my vision of line and nodded his head lightly.

“Pretty well,” He said, picking up the camera in his hands, “I’m collaborating with a high school currently, so I’m taking graduation pictures of their seniors.”

My lips formed an ‘O’ shape and I gave him a smirk, “You must be pretty famous around that high school.”

Mingyu chuckled and nodded his head, “Can’t say I’m not, Y/N.”

“Right, can’t remember a time you weren’t famous…” I trailed off, the two of us sharing a knowing look. Mingyu nodded solemnly and then raised his camera, turning it on.

“Two weeks ago, I had a wedding, that one was a big hit, made a lot of money!” He said with a grin, looking into his camera as he pointed it up towards the sky. I looked up and saw the sky was covered with more clouds now, but the sun was still shining brightly.

“I wanted to ask you to come to our studio for today, but Vernon and Minghao apparently booked a really famous photographer so, you know…I didn’t want to say no to them…”

“Yeah, that’s fine!” Mingyu shrugged and started grinning as he took pictures of Jieun, “Your events are way too prestigious, I might have turned down your offer either way.”

“No, you wouldn’t have, Mingyu.” I chuckled, raising my eyebrows and making him glance at me.

“You sound so sure…why not?”

“Because it’s me asking.” Mingyu’s finger paused mid-air and he gulped before nodding his head wordlessly. It’s moments like this one that give me hope, hope that he still feels something for me. Even if it’s been five years. It was enough time for us to get over the other, but having to spend so much time together again made me realize that I wasn’t even far from being over him. Maybe it’s the memories we share, the time spent together, the pleasant moments, the hardships or the person I shaped into while being with him, but it was really hard to look at him and not feel something more than just platonic feelings. It came as a shock after we finished high school to find out that Joohyun and Wonwoo have been dating for two years in secret. No one ever saw it coming, they never left any hints for us to pick up on, it just seemed like they got along due to Mingyu and I dating and always being together. Turns out, they were dating too at the same time with us, except their relationship worked out. And I couldn’t have been happier, they were perfect for each other and they blessed us with little Jieun, the sweetest kid. When Jieun turned two, Joohyun and Wonwoo decided to get married and tie the knot for a lifetime. I was a little jealous when we got the news of their marriage, I always thought I’d be the one to get married first as Joohyun was closed off and wasn’t ever interested in dating or having a family. I guess it was just a matter of time and person.

My eyes widened when the camera made a sound, this time directed at me. Mingyu was grinning as he kept snapping picture after picture and I raised my middle finger at him while sticking my tongue out.

“Hey!” He gave me a glare before turning the camera back to Jieun, snapping a picture of her as she was playing with the flowers, making a crown for herself, “Look at this!”

Mingyu’s canines showed again as his grin spread bigger, he scooted closer, “Joohyun will love this shot!”

It was a close up of Jieun, she was crouched down with yellow flowers in her hands, her dark hair falling around her shoulders and lips in a soft pout. I smiled and looked at Mingyu, “Why don’t you drop the gym and turn into a professional photographer? You are so talented.”

“Y/N,” He gave me a grin and a scoff, as if I already knew the answer, “You know photography is just a hobby for me—”

“Doesn’t it pay better than that smelly gym you work at?” I interrupted him with my eyebrows raised. He chuckled and shook his head as he turned around to take more pictures of the nature.

“Smelly or not, I really like working there…” He muttered and Jieun shrieked, alerting us.

“Jieun?” I asked loudly, eyebrows raised when she turned around, she was holding something brown between her fingers.

“It’s a caterpillar!” She exclaimed excitedly, waving the small animal between her fingers.

“Say hi and put it back into the earth, okay?” I called back and Mingyu snorted as he looked up from his camera.

“This one goes for Wonwoo…” He grinned to himself, looking at me, “His daughter ain’t a pussy like your sister—”

“Mingyu!” I threw him a glare and punched his arm, “Irene hates every little insect, you know that. It’s not her fault—”

“It technically is though.” He gave me a pouty look and I snorted and shook my head. I extended my arms over my head and stretched, hearing the camera go off again, before laying down on the blanket. I groaned loudly as the tension eased from my lower back and I relaxed into the earth, closing my eyes to breathe in deeply the warm air. It was tranquil, the moment felt nice, Jieun’s laughter and chatter faded nicely into the background. I let my muscles relax and enjoy the moment of calmness, that is until weight was dumped on me. I yelped loudly, eyes opening and muscles tensing as I went to sit up but Mingyu’s hand pushed me back down.

“Don’t get up!” He exclaimed, eyebrows furrowed, “Why’d you move?!”

I threw him a glare as I watched him whine more, pushing his ass against my pelvis and sitting on me.

“Mingyu, I don’t know if anyone has made you aware of this, but you are heavy!” I exclaimed again, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

“I won’t get off until you give me the same expression you did a few seconds ago—”

“How can I do that when a man is literally crushing me?” I raised my eyebrows and Mingyu scoffed, pushing up onto his knees but still straddling me.

“Happy?”

“Not until you completely get off.” I gave him a sweet smile and Mingyu threw me a glare as Jieun’s loud laughter came from behind him.

“Why are you sitting on auntie?” She asked giggling.

“Good question, Jieun, I think he wants to crush auntie—”

“I was just trying to take a picture of auntie, Jieun, but she’s stubborn and wants to upset me.” Mingyu said pouting, giving Jieun a sad look.

“Well, hurry up auntie then, I want to go inside—I’m tired.” Just as she finished speaking, she yawned and pouted.

“Five more minutes and we go take a nap, okay?” I smiled at Jieun and she nodded before running back to the swing. I looked back up at Mingyu and gulped as I stared into his eyes, the butterflies in my stomach kicking off.

“Make it quick, okay?” I sighed out and closed my eyes, willing my body to relax and let go. Forget that Mingyu is straddling me and dangling his camera in my face like all those times when we were still dating. The camera went off and so did my heart, it started beating faster and faster as all the memories swam in my mind tauntingly.

The basketball court was full of students as everyone was in recess. I was sitting with my friends on a bench underneath a tree to hide from the blazing sun as we all ate our lunch and gazed out onto the field, where the basketball team was shooting around. All guys were tall, the team consisted of mostly juniors and seniors, but Yuto, a guy my age, made it into the team due to his height.

“Ah!” Yuna exclaimed next to me, eyes following a boy, “Look at Wonwoo! He’s so handsome!”

“He’s a good player…” I muttered as I finished up my lunch.

“He could be the worst and I’d still love him!” Yuna mused and the rest of our friends agreed with her. I rolled my eyes when someone from behind us scoffed.

“So, you only watch the basketball team because the players are handsome?” The voice was sharp and I rolled my eyes, turning to face my sister.

“You’re still moody?” I asked her and she shook her head, coming to stand in front of me and blocking my view of the field.

“No, I passed my chemistry test, I’m feeling better.” She gave me a wide grin and extended her arm. She was holding a small cartoon of chocolate milk and my eyes lit up.

“Unnie!” I gave her a big grin and stood up to give her a brief hug, “Thank you!”

“Yeah, mom told me you forgot to pack one.”

“You’re the best.” Joohyun chuckled and pinched my cheek aggressively.

“You only say that when I give you something or do something for you—”

“Joohyun—” My friends shrieked and both Joohyun and I jumped as a ball hit my sister’s back. She hissed and turned sharply, the ball bouncing on the ground.

“Joohyun—” My friends started but Wonwoo running over shut them up quickly.

“Are you okay?” His deep voice was laced with worry and Joohyun glared the boy down. She was a lot shorter but her gaze could always make her seem powerful and scary. She leaned down wordlessly and picked the basketball up.

“Be careful next time, Wonwoo.” Her voice was soft, a contrast to the look on her face.

“Sorry, Joohyun.” Wonwoo bowed his head a bit, hands extending to take the ball from my sister. She glanced down at the ball before handing it over, their hands brushing against each other and small smiles appearing on their faces. The snap of a camera distracted me from throwing a suspicious look at the two in front of me. A tall guy, taller than Wonwoo, was holding up a camera to his left eye as he grinned.

“Yah! Kim Mingyu!” I exclaimed, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

“Yah! Bae Y/N!” He imitated my voice, pushing his lips out into an exaggerated pout.

“I don’t look like that!” I snapped at him with a glare as Mingyu walked closer.

“Yes, you do.” He taunted, the camera hanging at his side. Wonwoo and Joohyun chuckled behind me and I glanced back to see them lost in their own conversation.

“Stop pouting, you’re too cute.” Mingyu cooed and I punched his bicep as he started leaning down.

“Why do you keep taking pictures of me—” My words got muffled when Mingyu pressed a small kiss against my lips, a smile appearing on my lips.

“What were you complaining about?” He whispered as he pulled back just a little bit, making my smile widen.

“Nothing.” I muttered and as I went to press another kiss against his lips, his camera went off again. My eyes snapped open to find Mingyu giggling as he was looking down at the picture he took, cheeks rosy.

“Yah! Kim Mingyu!” I exclaimed and raised my arm to punch his arm again but he suddenly jumped back. He stuck his tongue out and I glared at him.

“You two are so immature.” I heard Wonwoo saying from behind me.

“He won’t stop taking pictures of me!” I snapped, watching as Mingyu was slowly raising his camera up again, “Don’t you dare—”

Snap. Oh, that’s it, he asked for it. I took off running towards him but Mingyu just giggled loudly and took off too, running ahead of me.

“You can’t catch me!” He shouted as he turned his head before running faster.

“Screw your long legs!” I shouted after him as I chased him around the basketball field, underneath the blazing sun.

“I love you!” He shouted while trying to take more pictures of me, almost falling when he tripped on a rock.

“You’re an idiot!” I screamed after him, laughing when he almost fell, “I love you!”

“I know you do!” He winked cockily and slowed his running, making me think I’d finally catch up. But when he was in arms reach, he sped up again while cackling evilly. I let out a frustrated cry and continued chasing him, unphased by the looks the students were giving us.

The click of the camera brought me back to the present and I opened my eyes to find Mingyu with his eyebrows raised and a small smile on his lips. His personality didn’t change much since high school but his looks did. It’s not like that mattered much, I didn’t like him for his looks, it was his personality that drew me in at first. His looks were just a plus.

“I want to go in!” Jieun came running to us, whining loudly.

“We are going.” I smiled at her as she looked down at me with a pout and I looked up at Mingyu with raised eyebrows. He blinked and looked at me for a second before he realized he was straddling me, so he got off and helped me off the blanket as well.

“Can you please clean up? I have a Yoga class in half an hour.” I said after looking at my wrist watch.

“And Jieun?” Mingyu asked as he started gathering the things we gathered on the blanket.

“I’ll put her to sleep, don’t worry about her.” I gave Jieun a smile and crouched down, opening my arms, “Do you want auntie to carry you to your room?”

“Yes!” Jieun exclaimed, her droopy eyes widening as she climbed into my arms quickly. I patted her back and walked inside the house, towards her room upstairs.

        Jieun took longer than I expected to fall asleep, leaving me ten minutes to get ready for my Yoga class. I closed her door carefully after drawing her curtains closed and raced into the master bedroom, opening Joohyun’s closet. We go to Yoga class twice a week together so I have my clothes here, in case, I don’t have time to go home from the studio. We were supposed to go together today but since I had to be at the studio, we decided to postpone it. Thankfully, our Yoga instructor does online classes in the afternoon for those who couldn’t attend it in the morning. I quickly got dressed in my olive khaki green leggings and matching sports bra, rushing downstairs quietly, to Joohyun’s study room, where we kept our mattresses. She had enough space in her office, so I decided to lay out the Yoga mat underneath the window and quickly turned on her laptop, logging onto the platform of my instructor. In the big rush, I forgot to close the door and I could hear Mingyu coming and going from the garden, bringing everything inside like I asked him to do. I pulled my hair in a low ponytail and took a comfortable seat on the mat as the instructor started the class.

“Good afternoon!” She greeted with a big smile on her lips, her voice raspy but honey-like, “Good to see some familiar faces around; Y/N…”

I smiled and turned on the microphone, “Nice to see you! Joohyun and I couldn’t make it in the morning, we were both busy.”

“Is she not joining us today?” The instructor asked as more cameras got turned on, there was a total of ten people in today’s class.

“No, she’s not at home, at the moment.” I answered her and as the backdoor was closed, loud singing rang through the hallway. Mingyu’s deep voice bounced around the quiet house and my eyes widened as I quickly shut off my microphone, embarrassed when I saw some ladies smiling through their cameras. I glanced out in the hallway as Mingyu passed by the office, unaware that I was inside, as he bobbed his head to his own rhythm while he continued singing. Did he forget I put Jieun to sleep? He’s going to wake her up. But before I could quickly go and shut him up and close the door to the office, our instructor alerted us that we were starting the session.

“I prepared a relaxing Yoga sequence for today, a thirteen-minute-long practice,” She said with a smile as we took a comfortable seat in Lotus pose, “It’s the middle of the week, but we might be feeling burned out a little bit. I know that I do!”

I chuckled as I straightened my back, aligning head over heart, and heart over pelvis, “You can turn on your microphones as we are about to take deep breaths together, let us hear each other.”

I quickly reached over and turned on the microphone, as did the other ladies, whom I were familiar with from other classes, “Good, now let’s take five deep breaths in, tuck your chins, straighten your backs and close your eyes, empty your mind.”

I did as I was told, willing my muscles to relax as everyone took deep five breaths, emptying our lungs out loudly. It was a relaxing motion and it always helped me focus on the task I was about to do, my mind was a buzzing place 24/7. But my tranquil moment ended when Mingyu’s voice rose a few octaves and he started sputtering words after words. I opened one eye to see if the others could hear him as well, but upon seeing no reaction, I quickly closed my eye and took one more deep breath to relax again.

“Let us stretch our side bodies now.” With eyes open, I followed the instructor, breathing deeply still, “This is a great moment to take a step back from your busy lives and reflect on yourselves. Get lost in the silence and the guidance of my voice, trust your bodies and meet me in a tabletop position.”

I smiled and slowly moved into the position, cracking my lower back in the process, “Let’s do three rounds of cat and cow now, everyone following their own rhythm. We are not here to rush today.”

Closing my eyes, I arched my back into a cow position, letting out a quiet sigh when a few vertebras popped, then starting from the tailbone, I curled up into a cat position. I did that two more times while breathing deep, hearing the other ladies do the same calmed my nerves a little bit. I got lost in my own world, finally, blocking out sounds from the outside that didn’t serve me in this moment.

“On your next breath in, bring your big toes together and widen your knees as big as your mat, then meet me in extended child’s pose, with active fingers.” The instructor spoke up, and we followed, “Let’s wake up the muscles in our upper backs while opening our heart space, okay?”

The skin of my lower back and upper back were getting a good stretch as I gently rocked from side to side at the hips, loosening up the tight joints, breathing deeply.

“Make your next inhale the longest breath you’ve taken all day long and, on your exhale, let go of everything that doesn’t serve you by using lion’s breath,” I filled my lungs with air to the brim and paused at the top for three second before sticking my tongue out, eyes looking at my third eye and letting all the air out, similar sighs coming through the laptop.

“Carefully moving, let’s meet in downward dog, but only proceed from a tabletop position.” I raised back into a tabletop position and carefully, knees bent and arms placed at a wide distance on the map, I raised into a downward dog position, heels coming down on the earth.

“Let’s pedal it out,” The instructor said, “Your heels don’t have to come down to the earth straight away, pedal them out first, feel your muscles stretch and when you did all that, grow heavy in your heels and come to a still position for three deep cleansing breaths.”

I moved my legs as if I was walking, in one place, pedaling them out and sighing out when my hamstrings got the stretch they so desperately needed. I ground my heels down and stilled my movements, taking deep breaths. As I took in my last set of deep breath, the floor creaked in the doorway and I opened my eyes, seeing Mingyu upside down from this position, standing in the doorway. His jaw was hung open but when we made eye-contact, a wide smirk spread on his lips.

“Damn,” He muttered as he leaned against the doorframe, “If you only had this ass back in high school too—”

I gasped as my cheeks flushed, the sudden laughter coming from the laptop making Mingyu jump. His eyes widened as he looked towards the screen, and as I lowered from the downward dog, I caught the faint tint of red on his cheeks. The ladies were still giggling, the instructor’s eyebrows raised curiously.

“Uh—I’m really sorry—he didn’t know my microphone was on—”

“Good evening, ladies,” Mingyu smiled charmingly, they could see him well through the camera, “Sorry for interrupting, I’ll quickly head out.”

“Now, now,” The instructor said with a chuckle as Mingyu slowly left, throwing me a smirk that made me glare at him, “We needed that laughter, didn’t we, ladies?”

There was a chorus of agreements and my cheeks flushed again as I chuckled in embarrassment, “Sorry, he’s—”

“A charming young man, indeed,” The instructor interrupted me with a small smile, “let’s try to focus once again though and repeat our downward dog before we proceed with our practice.”

And we did proceed with our relaxing practice, but the problem was I couldn’t relax with Mingyu continuously walking in and out of Irene’s study room and always whispering things at me. At first, he was asking for some books Wonwoo recommended him to read, then he took a seat on Irene’s couch and started reading out loud but in a whisper, meanwhile I kept throwing glares at him. Does he know he’s supposed to leave me alone? By the time the class took an end I wasn’t anywhere relaxed, instead I was angry and irritated. The practice was supposed to make me feel light and relaxed but due to Mingyu bothering me, it didn’t work out. When we were talking leisurely after we finished the practice, Mingyu dangled his head into the camera. The ladies started laughing again and he had a heartful conversation with my Yoga instructor, to which he even got an invitation to her class after he complained about his muscles being stiff after a long day at the gym. When we were saying our goodbye’s, a lady had the audacity to call Mingyu and I, a cute and playful couple, which I wanted to deny but before I could, Mingyu was nodding and thanking her making my heart pump quickly. Once the call was over, Mingyu sat back on the couch and I proceeded to roll up Irene’s mat and placed it back to its place, throwing a glare at a grinning Mingyu. My eyes fell on the book he tormented me with and I took it in my hand and whacked him over the head.

“Hey!” He exclaimed and started rubbing his head, “What are you doing?!”

“What are you doing?!” I snapped, crossing my arms in front of my chest, “I took the Yoga class to relax a little bit but thanks to you I just became more irritated!”

“You did?” He raised his eyebrows and I went to whack him again but he caught my arm and quickly jumped up, “Okay, okay, I get it! Sorry, I won’t do it next time!”

“Of course, you won’t. There’s no next time.” I rolled my eyes and let Mingyu take the book from me and place it back onto the shelf.

“What are you saying?” He asked with a chuckle, becoming amused when I sighed and looked at him expectantly, “I got an invitation to your instructor’s next class and I’m definitely not going to miss it—”

“Hell, no.” I snapped and turned around to leave the office, but not before opening the window to let fresh air in, “So that you torment me there too? No, thank you.”

“Come on! I won’t!” Mingyu whined as he followed after me, closing the door behind me, “I’ll take it seriously!”

“You won’t, I know you too well, Kim Mingyu.” I said with a snort as I started walking up the stairs, Mingyu still following close behind.

“Please?” He looked at me with puppy eyes when I glanced back, “I’ll let you drive me around, okay?”

“As if I want to do that.” I scoffed as I walked to the master bedroom to get my clothes before I head to shower.

“I know you do,” A smirk crossed Mingyu’s lips as he blocked my way, “I heard from Wonwoo you bought a new Mercedes, I just know you’re dying to show it off to me.”

“Am not.” I said with a scoff, biting my lip afterwards. Oh, and how right he is, I can’t wait to pick him up from work and drive him here, in my new light turquoise Mansory S-Class Cabriolet, the next time we are having dinner with Joohyun, Wonwoo, and Jieun.

“You do,” Mingyu cooed and I rolled my eyes as I side stepped him, heading out the bedroom and down the hall to the bathroom.

“Now, stay quiet and don’t wake Jieun, I want to shower.”

“Go, go,” Mingyu ushered me inside the bathroom, gripping the handle, “Relax now, since you couldn’t while doing Yoga.”

“Dickhead—” He cut me off by closing the door in my face and I could hear his giggles as he walked away, his footsteps still loud. I groaned and quickly put my hair in a bun, turning on the warm water in the shower stall. The bathroom upstairs was bigger and it was divided in two in such way that if someone was showering another person could still come in because you wouldn’t see them, as the shower stall was just behind the other wall.

       And there’s a reason why I usually avoid showering upstairs. It’s so big that the person won’t even hear the running water and often times would walk in, it happened with both Joohyun and Wonwoo while I showered, when they newly bought the house. Like I said, they still couldn’t see you, but the thought alone was enough to drive me away from showering upstairs and just using the downstairs shower. And that same thing happened while I was massaging an exfoliating soap onto my skin. The door opened and I heard feet thudding inside loudly.

“Jieun?” I called out, straining my ears to hear the person inside, “Did you have a nightmare and wake up? Mingyu is downstairs sweety, I’m showering, you can go to him—”

“Yeah,” My eyes widened at the male voice and I quickly turned around in the shower stall, making sure he didn’t already approach me, “Mingyu is upstairs, actually.”

“What the hell are you doing inside, Mingyu?!” I exclaimed, frozen as I listened closely, “I’m showering!”

“Uh, yeah, I know, you told me and I hear the water running—”

“What the fuck are you doing inside then?!” I exclaimed again, eyebrows furrowing when Mingyu cursed loudly.

“Fuck, I stubbed my toe!” He hissed and I scoffed as I quickly rinsed off the soap, “And I know, but I was bored downstairs alone…”

“So, you just come and intrude on a woman while she’s showering? Because that’s fine?” I snapped; eyebrows raised even if he couldn’t see me. I heard the toilet making sounds and realized Mingyu closed the lid and sat on top of it.

“Hey, don’t make me sound like a creep!”

“You are being a creep right now, though.” I pointed out as I took my regular, tropical scented, body lotion and spread it on my body.

“Okay, I’m sorry, I can’t even see anything, you know that, I just—” He let out a long sigh and my eyebrows raised as I paused.

“You just, what?” I asked curiously as I let the warm water wash off the body lotion.

“I was wondering, like, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, actually, you know…” There was a pause as Mingyu cleared his throat before he continued, “Just…after we broke up, you know…did you date anyone else? Like, had a boyfriend, girlfriend, or something…”

My eyebrows furrowed at the odd question, not expecting it from Mingyu, we never talked about relationships or partners. We always stayed away from the topic that involved our personal lives for multiple reasons, so it was a surprise that he finally asked about it, especially when I was showering.

“I mean…” I let out a breath, standing underneath the warm water, “It’s been five years since we…broke up, so…yeah. I had…three…boyfriends.”

“Oh,” Mingyu sounded surprised and I grimaced waiting for him to continue speaking, “Yeah, I had a lot of flings during college, then a serious girlfriend that lasted for a year only, so…”

He chuckled, but I could hear he didn’t take it lightly, it bothered him that it didn’t work out. Something was bothering him still; I could hear it in his voice.

“Well, you know, I don’t know if Joohyun and Wonwoo talked about me and if they did and Wonwoo told you, but…” I took a deep breath and turned off the water, reaching for the long towel, “You pretty much broke my heart, no joke.”

Mingyu remained quiet as I placed the towel around my body and secured it tightly at my breasts, “I don’t blame you now, with this mentality, and I don’t hate you either anymore.”

We both chuckled at the same time and Mingyu sighed as we both stayed put where we were standing, “Honestly, I was a big dick back then. Breaking up with you because I wanted to get the whole college experience—I was a fucking idiot, to be honest.”

“You still are…” I muttered and Mingyu chuckled before he sighed again, “Actually…you know, how I was supposed to come with a plus one to my sister and Wonwoo’s wedding?”

“Yeah, and then you showed up with—”

“Minghao,” We said at the same time.

“Yeah, Minghao, and everyone was fucking confused from your family.” Mingyu continued talking, “Even Wonwoo…I still don’t get what the fuss was about.”

“I was supposed to come with my fiancé—”

“Fiancé?!” Mingyu choked out and I giggled, “You had a fiancé at the age of twenty-one, what the fuck?! And you didn’t tell me?!”

“We met when I was nineteen, actually, but back then I was kinda playing around with two guys, you know…still not over you, dickhead, but then him and I got closer and we got engaged three months before the wedding.” I explained, enjoying when Mingyu gasped.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know?” I asked with a chuckle, leaning my head against the wet tiles of the shower stall, “We realized we were too different? I don’t know, honestly, but I’m glad we broke up. I don’t think we were a good match.”

“Yeah, I’m glad too.” I scoffed and I heard shuffling, meaning Mingyu stood up, “Why did even Vernon show up at the wedding? He wasn’t even invited—”

“Two drunk calls from Minghao and I were enough to bring him around—”

“And then I had to drive the three of you home, yeah, I remember.” Mingyu didn’t sound amused and I started laughing.

“Well, if you were dumb enough to come by car and not with a cab like everyone else…”

“Yeah, whatever,” Mingyu scoffed and he cleared his throat again and hesitated to speak, “So, uhm, I was thinking…let’s go on a date?”

I blinked once and then twice and paused. Kim Mingyu was asking me on a date? Or was I hallucinating?

“I really should have waited after you finished showering, not seeing your face is frustrating.” He groaned to himself and I chuckled.

“To your information, I’m gaping right now,” Mingyu chuckled and I pursed my lips, “You want to go on a date with me?”

“Yeah, I think we are both mature enough to start things over, if we wanted to,” He sighed and I licked my lips, pushing off from the wall, “At least, I want to if you’re not against it.”

“Did spending your day with me make you nostalgic, Kim Mingyu?” I asked with a chuckle and he just hummed. I didn’t know how to feel. Did I still have feelings for him? Yes. Did he hurt me already once? Yes. But as he said, we are adults now, we view things differently now. I’m still unsure however.

“I can’t give you an answer right now,” I decided to be honest with him, he deserved it, “Give me time to think.”

He hummed quietly and I knew he wasn’t expecting that answer and he was disappointed, but he quickly spoke up, “I’ll go wake Jieun so that we can prepare dinner together.”

And he was out of the bathroom, leaving me alone with my conflicting thoughts. Did I want to go on a date with him? Yes. Was I afraid we wouldn’t work out anymore and I’d lose him forever? Yes.

        After Jieun woke up, the three of us went downstairs and prepared dinner together, spending a good hour in the kitchen. But it still wasn’t dinner time so we snuggled up on the couch in the living room and watched a family movie together, Mingyu bringing us a big blanket to keep us warm. Jieun was snuggled up into his side, putting Mingyu into the middle, and I threw him a curious glance when he kept shifting around, until his arm was around my shoulders and his body was leaning onto mine.

“It’s comfier.” He whispered, keeping his eyes on the TV and I shook my head before looking back towards the TV and feeling my cheeks heat up. It felt nice being snuggled up next to him, his warmth enveloping mine and creating a feeling of calmness and safety. If there was a feeling I missed after Mingyu left me, it was the safety I felt whenever I was with him. His bigger body and the way he carried himself and even interacted when he was with me made it obvious to me that he’d do anything to keep me safe and that I shouldn’t worry. So, in the middle of the movie I cleared my throat and glanced up at him to see him already looking down at me.

“Let’s go on that date.” I whispered quietly at him and instantly Mingyu was grinning from ear to ear, squeezing my shoulder tightly for a few seconds before he sighed out happily. I chuckled and placed a palm against his beating hart, cheeks flushing when I felt his quick pulse. A feeling of fulfilment filled my senses and I couldn’t help the smile spreading onto my own lips.

       After the movie was over, the moon was high up in the sky, and we headed to the kitchen to have dinner. Jieun excitedly told us stories about her encounters with other kids in kindergarten and how she kept tricking her nanny into giving her candy without her mom and dad knowing. Dinner was filled with giggles and Mingyu throwing me glances every few minutes, eyes warm and happy. Jieun even pointed it out at some point, asking us if we were hiding a secret or surprise from her. When we reassured her that no, we weren’t, she pouted and settled on finishing her dinner quietly while Mingyu and I conversed about what we did the one month we didn’t meet up, laughing at the memories we shared in high school when one brought it up randomly. After dinner, Jieun had a warm bubble bath and I braided her hair in two, helping her into her pajamas before Mingyu and I tucked her in bed. We were both sitting on each side of her bed, her bedside lap turned on and we chatted for a little while, until she fell asleep.

“You know,” Jieun muttered sleepily, her eyes already closed, “Uncle and auntie act just like dad and mommy. Will you have babies too? I’ll have someone to play with forever…”

Mingyu and I shared a look as I chuckled and leaned over Jieun, cradling her cheek, “Auntie and uncle aren’t like that, Jieun. There’s men and women who are just friends, who love each other but never make babies, because it’s not that kind of love, you know?”

“Don’t worry, Jieunie,” Mingyu leaned closer too, a devilish smirk crossing his lips, “Uncle will convince auntie to make babies so that you’ll have someone to play with, okay?”

Jieun’s eyes opened and she grinned widely as I threw Mingyu a glare, “Pinky promise?”

“Pinky promise!”

“Hey!” I exclaimed quietly as the two pinky promised in front of me with grins on their lips as if I wasn’t even there, “It’s not that easy to make babies—”

“We’ll figure it out.” Mingyu cut me off with a wink and I scoffed, leaning down and kissing Jieun’s cheek.

“Sweet dreams, angel.”

“Sweet dreams, chipmunk.” Jieun grinned as Mingyu pressed a quick kiss against her forehead and then we got up, turned off her bedside lamp and turned on her fairy lights. Quietly closing her door, we descended down the stairs and I could feel Mingyu smirking next to me, his hand continuously brushing against mine.

“Stop giving Jieun false hope, dickhead.” I snapped finally, making Mingyu giggled. He was expecting my reaction, as we walked back to the living room.

“I was being serious, Bae.” I groaned as Mingyu turned on the TV, putting on some random movie as we sat down on the couch, pulling the blanket over us again. We remained silent during the movie, enjoying the presence of the other, and my heart started racing when Mingyu interlaced his fingers with mine underneath the blanket and placed our hands on his thigh. I didn’t realize I wanted this until it happened, and I couldn’t be gladder. Because in this world, there was no one like Kim Mingyu, and he was mine.

My one and only true love.

[the-seas-song]

Richard Armitage and Astrology

Hi! I find astrology fascinating, and am an armchair expert on it myself, so I found Richard's comments in his recent Total Film Magazine interview very interesting. This is what he said:

I’ve been incredibly lucky. I’ve dabbled with having my celestial chart looked at every couple of years, just for a little tune-up. Every time, the guy sighs, and goes, “What can I say? You’ve just got a sprinkle of luck.” And I say, “That’s good, because I don’t have the talent, so I really need the luck!”

[cut]

There is a naughty, dark side to me. I am quite strongly affected by the moon. So if there’s a full moon I’ll go a bit crazy. (source)

This isn't the first time Richard's mentioned astrology – he's mentioned being a Leo, reading his daily horoscope, and finding out he was born in the Chinese Year of the Pig; but these were all informal twitter comments. He has also mentioned the effect the moon has on him before, in February 2020:

“Everyone has cycles of positive mental and emotional feelings and negative mental and emotional feelings and I know that I am profoundly affected on a monthly cycle. I always look at the calendar when I'm feeling particularly low and check the lunar cycle to see if it's a full or new moon.” (source)

However, what prompted me to write this is that Richard's personal put-downs were even more direct here than usual; and the connection that has to his natal, or birth, chart.

A little disclaimer: Personally, I think general horoscopes (like the ones you find in magazines) do far more harm than good. They are based solely on the twelve sun signs, and your sun sign is just one puzzle piece out of 25+ pieces that make up your natal chart. This is why many people don't relate to their horoscope or it's personality description.

Your natal chart, however, is a whole different animal. It's an intricate puzzle created by the exact date, time, and location you were born; which is why most people find their natal charts to be scarily accurate.

Back during the Hobbit days, a fan blog reported that Richard told a NZ fan that his birth time was just after 4 a.m. I used 4:05 for this post, and being off by a few minutes doesn't really make a difference.

Richard and self-esteem

I really feel for and relate to Richard's self-esteem struggles, because our charts mirror each other. We are both Leo suns; but I have my moon in Aries with my MC and Chiron conjunct each other in Virgo and sextile my North Node; while Richard has his moon in Virgo with his MC and Chiron conjunct each other in Aries and sextile his North Node.

What on earth does that mean?

Each planet represents a different part of you. The sun represents your ego/conscious self; the moon your emotions, mercury your mind/intellect, venus love and beauty/aesthetics, mars passion and drive, etc.

On top of the twelve planets, there are specific points and asteroids that are also important. Your MC, or Midheaven, represents your career and public persona. Your North Node describes your inner journey and life purpose. The asteroid Chiron describes your major soul wound, that you will be forced to deal with throughout your life.

A conjunction and a sextile are two of several different kinds of aspects. The different kinds of aspects are the different ways your respective puzzle pieces can interact with each other. Some are 'easy/positive' and some 'difficult/negative'. A sextile is considered easy/positive. A conjunction means two things are next to each other and overlap with one another, and is usually considered positive.

Leo and Aries are both fire signs. Fire signs are generally playful, warm, passionate, confident, and optimistic. Virgo is an earth sign. Earth signs are generally practical, grounded, sensual, and logical.

Richard's personality is dominated by an almost equal amount of Leo and Virgo influence, with both his sun (core self) and venus (love and beauty) in Leo and his moon (emotions) and mercury (mind) in Virgo.

Aries and Virgo are said to be the most difficult Chiron signs, because they are the wounds tied directly to your self-worth (Aries is the wound of Self and Virgo is the wound of Perfection). With Aries Chiron you feel a core sense of worthlessness, like you're missing a fundamental piece of your core self. This deeply felt lack of self-worth leads people to be people pleasers and have issues with confrontation and conflict.

Aries rules the planet mars. It is the warrior planet of passion, drive, and combat. A conventional Aries is confident, outgoing, impulsive, and strong willed. Aries and mars are definitely the rowdiest sign and planet in the zodiac. However, with Chiron here the traits are inverted, and so someone like Richard is much more likely to be scared of his inner passion, confidence, and willpower – depending, of course, on what the rest of his chart is like.

That leads us to Virgo. Chiron Virgo feels impure, like there is something fundamentally wrong with them. This kind of low self-esteem makes you feel like you have to constantly try to 'fix' yourself so people will love and accept you. It's an OCD type of perfectionism that only ends in failure and heartbreak.

A good example of how this works is when I talked to my therapist recently. I hadn't quite succeeded in meeting my goals, and so my automatic response was to condemn myself for failing. My therapists immediate response was to congratulate me on how much progress I had made.

Ironically, unlike with Aries, this isn't an inversion of the conventional Virgo. Conventional Virgo is meticulous, detail-oriented, focused, patient, efficient, practical, perfectionistic, systematic, and pessimistic with high expectations. If Aries is the official warrior of the zodiac, Virgo is the official nit-picker.

This means that Richard's subconscious intellectually (mercury) and emotionally (moon) expects and demands perfection, whilst simultaneously feeling fundamentally worthless. In short: ouch.

Interestingly, a significant number of celebrities have their Chiron conjunct their MC. Personally, I think Richard hit the nail on the head as to why in his essay on the Human Condition for Cybersmile:

The answer in my humble opinion, (and believe me it is humble, to a point of taking 43 years to be shared) is actually something which applies to my work as an actor. It’s why sometimes actors are called in to work with therapists, in large corporations, in schools. It’s why drama therapy is fantastic to understand what we do, how we do it and what the outcome might be, and in an improvisation where we aren’t playing ourselves sometimes we explore avenues that are too frightening or unacceptable in our own lives.

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So going back to my very first point, the “social media society” in which we’d all like to feel safe, supported, excited, creative, spontaneous, innovative, courageous, is really in our own hands. And back to acting, it’s taken me a long time to shake off the effects of bullying in school. That people were always laughing behind my back. I was always looking out of the corner of my eye. I now have incredible peripheral vision which is so useful, (as is Kinesthetic sense…Google it) but try being a brave, experimental, uninhibited actor with all of those hang ups. Wasn’t happening.

So here is the thing, and it’s key to my work and I think ours as a community. When we speak or write, we ultimately desire to ‘affect’. If we aren’t watching the destination of that affect, then how do we know our words have landed and the ‘effect’ they have caused?

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If I have a strong opinion about something which I want to express I really task myself with backing it up with the ‘why do I feel that?’

Again it’s part of my work building a believable character, and actually part of building a believable ‘me’ outside of my work. Just.. “because that’s what I feel” is a bit of a cop out.

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As for Bullying, it’s like the moment the pot boils over, or it’s the poisoned stream that can’t be cleansed, so why bother. Well I think that’s what art is for. It’s can support the best and the worst of ourselves. We can ‘attack’ a canvas with black angry paint, we can ‘savage’ a piano keyboard, we can dance until we drop, we can read about a Puritan society who executed elders, we can explore the psychology of a serial killer, and when we can’t do this ourselves we can experience it, and witness it through others.

It’s more than being nice. Edward Munch’s “The Scream” is far from nice. Francisco Goya’s “Saturn” is horrific, Metallica, Die Antwoort etc etc. But then there is Monet, Faure, Renée Fleming, Peter Jackson, Ariana Grande (ok it’s getting a bit eclectic I admit) but when we look, listen and empathize, we tune in to the Human Condition.

We are all part of The Human Condition, whether we like it or not. Social Media. Expression. The Human Condition.

Us human beings are wired for emotion and connection. For actors, their career gives them a way to safely process and explore their personal wounds through the characters they play. For Richard in particular, his mars is conjunct his North Node. So, his mars and North Node are sextile his Chiron and MC.

Remember, Aries (the sign of Richard's Chiron and MC) is ruled by mars. Mars is the warrior planet, like Aries is the warrior sign. This means that Richard's spiritual journey/life's purpose (North Node) deals directly with healing his soul wound so he can accept and embrace his inner confidence and willpower. This explains why he ends up playing a lot of ultra-masculine characters – mars/Aries are the most macho of them all.

This isn't to say I think Richard should change who he is! I wouldn't be interested in him if he was ultra-masculine or macho. However, for his own sake, I would be overjoyed to see him gain more self-esteem and inner confidence.

Extrapolating from my own personal experiences, the constant criticism and judgement I received during my adolescence from my peers and various authority figures (like family members and teachers) for being unconventional and 'over the top' caused me to turn on myself and repress my passion and will-power for several years. I think it's highly likely that Richard experienced this too.

Here are some quotes from Richard that illustrate everything I've been talking about (emphasis is mine):

Armitage is still notably handsome, but, within minutes of meeting him, it’s apparent how incongruous it is that this bookish, sensitive, self-described ‘melancholic, philosophically-minded softie’ and ardent fan of The Great British Bake Off was cast as beefcake killer totty for a considerable part of his career. ‘It’s ridiculous. It’s the complete opposite to who I am. I’m such a pacifist,’ he laughs. ‘But then, part of me always felt: “Well, isn’t that why we’re actors?”

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'I think the turning point was losing my mum,” he says. “Up until that point, I felt like I mustn’t put a foot wrong, that if I said the wrong thing or revealed too much about my personal life, it could all come crashing down, and it would come down on my parents, and they wouldn’t be proud of me anymore.” He shrugs. “Now that I’m past that I’m actually much more carefree about the choices I make.” (source)

Richard Armitage puts his head in his hands and emits a noise that's somewhere between a sigh, a laugh and a groan. “Oh no! Why would you want to pin this up?” he says with a horrified whisper.

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Never has a man seemed more ill at ease with the heartthrob label. He squirms with embarrassment in his chair every time the subject comes up. He is grateful for the loyalty of his fans, he says, but worries that “there is this thing of, 'Is he just totty?' Because the industry will sometimes write you off as a serious actor if they think that. I have always been conscious of that and fought against it, because I don't really see myself like that at all.”

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This brings us back to Astrov, who looks so relentless towards the future that he can't see the truth in front of his eyes. “It's interesting that he's an outsider in the play. I've often felt like that myself in life. I'm quite a solitary person. I enjoy my time with me, and sometimes it's not necessarily healthy, because I can talk myself into quite a dark place.

I'm an optimist, but at the same time, there's a discipline in me that will attack me for not working hard enough, not achieving enough, not being good enough. You always think, 'I'll grow out of that. With success, those voices will disappear.' But they don't, they get louder. I suppose I'm learning a bit about myself through Astrov.” (source)

The answer in my humble opinion, (and believe me it is humble, to a point of taking 43 years to be shared) is actually something which applies to my work as an actor. … And back to acting, it’s taken me a long time to shake off the effects of bullying in school. That people were always laughing behind my back. I was always looking out of the corner of my eye. I now have incredible peripheral vision which is so useful, (as is Kinesthetic sense…Google it) but try being a brave, experimental, uninhibited actor with all of those hang ups. Wasn’t happening. (Human Condition essay)

So I kind of travelled on that line for a while, and I was bullied for it as well. The problem with me is that as soon as you try to push me down or say “you can’t do this” and “I don’t think you should do that”, I immediately push back. So I did – I’d decided really young that I was going to try to make a career out of it.

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Actually, there was something I wanted to add to what Shaun said, about inclusivity, is that um, no matter how – how much confidence you have or how, in my case, lack. Y’know, I always felt like a misfit, or an oddball, or that I didn’t belong. But I always – I always told myself that ‘you exist in the world, so therefore there’s a place for you in this industry’. I think anybody who feels like, “I can’t become an actor because…” – you exist. And, y’know, the job of filmmakers is to write about our life and society, and if you are a part of that, then there’s a place for you in the industry. (source)

I'm a bit of a brooder. I don't like confrontation, so I think I suppress things. When my temper does come out, it goes all the way – the kind of temper you can't apologize for. Yep, the chair getting thrown out of the window. Those emotions are scary, but hey, they come in useful when you're acting. (source)

Armitage is a noticeably calm presence but he talks with passion.

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In the past, he has described himself as a shy person. “Not any more,” he says forcefully. “I mean… if I’m very, very honest, I’m a big guy, I think I’m at times quite a frightening person.”

In what way?

“I think I’m quite uncompromising. I can’t bear bulls---. And in a way the shyness is me protecting other people from that. I can feel that there’s an intimidation that can happen if I own my full height, and speak at my full volume. So I’ve learned over the years to just tone it all down a bit.” (source)

I've become one of those actors who find it difficult to say no when things are offered. I think if I had come out of drama school and been an instant Hollywood superstar I would be taking long, leisurely holidays. But I always feel somehow it's going to be taken away from me so I work when I can. When you struggled with work as I did when I left drama school you make hay when the sun shines. There was a time when I thought, and my agent thought, it wasn't going to happen for me. We both sat down and I actually said I don't know if I can stay in this state. The interesting roles have only come since I got into my 30s. But I didn't know that was going to happen. I'm a bit of an all or nothing kind of guy. To be honest, I had no blind faith in myself. I don't think I could have stayed around as a jobbing actor. I would probably have quit. Who knows? I think I would have found that too frustrating. But at the moment when I thought I was going to quit, something happened and it all changed again. (source)

[talking about being cast in the Hobbit]

There was a little bit of guidance as to what they were looking for. I felt that I was too young for the character, too tall for that character, so I thought, you know, ‘I’ll just look at the scene they’ve written’. And then I realised the essence of the character that they were aiming for. So I went to meet Peter and Phillipa and we read some of the scenes. I think we spent an hour-and-a-half talking about the character and what their vision was, and I sort of explained who I thought he was, and that was it.

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Yeah, my first instinct, whenever that kind of thing happens, is to say, 'Well what's wrong with the part? Why did nobody else want it'? Which is kind of the story of my life really. When I get offered something, I'm like, 'Well there must be something wrong with it if they're offering it to me!'

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But you know, the thing is, you talk about all of this: ‘How did you get the role? And how did it feel when you got the role?’ And once all that’s died down you start to think, ‘I’ve actually got to go and play this now’. They’ve trusted me. Everyone’s happy, everyone’s celebrated, the phones have gone down and the deal’s been done. Now it’s over to me to make the role work. And that’s the scariest moment, because you do have that elation and then the work begins and you think, ‘How the hell am I going to do this?’ (source)

How was it for you taking on this beloved role, this character that has such a huge responsibilty on his back? Could you relate in some ways?

Richard Armitage: Yeah. There is always building within him this paranoia that he’s not a good enough leader, and that weighs him down. I have experienced that same feeling as an actor in this role. And I was aware of taking on the responsibility of that character, so there was something I could latch onto there, as one of the people who loved ‘The Hobbit’ book and had envisioned that character. It took me a while to be convinced that I could do it, it wasn’t until I saw some sketches, this one particular pencil sketch….there was something about this characters eyes and the way that his hands are crossed, I thought, “I think I can do this, I can pull this off.” (source)

Q: I wanted to ask you about what your Arkenstone is. For you personally.

A: Me personally?

Q: And I meant for this to be materialistic. What's the thing that you covet so much that it makes you mad that you don't have it?

A: Well, it's actually not material. It's not material, and it's – (laughs) You want a comedy answer, don't you? But it's respect. It's the thing that always eludes you, you know. You have to fight for it and when you get it, your arkenstone, the thing that crowns you, is respect.

Q: And also a sweater.

A: And a sweater. I do have this little natty number.

Q: It's a good one man.

A: Tom Ford made this personally. But hey, he can have it back. I don't covet wealth and material. (source)

Q6: You’ve done a variety of different roles, I wonder what influences you to pursue those roles?

R: More often than not, you go where you’re wanted. So getting hired is still kind of a revelation to me, a shock and a surprise. Sometimes you have very flat periods, where I don’t really care what comes next, I just want to work on something. I feel like I’ve got a little cloud of luck over my head so the right thing always seems to come along. But again, I’m easily excited about literature and stories, so I’ve always said I don’t really pursue glory, I’d happily do acting for two people in my living room if it was a role that I really enjoyed with a story I’d really like to tell. So it’s chance, I would say.

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Q8: Once in an interview about Thorin, you were asked what your arkenstone was and your answer was respect. I like this answer a lot. So I was wondering what’s your red dragon? As you said yesterday he’s a character who sheds his skin, improves, and becomes something. I was wondering if there was something you’d like to improve, become?

R: I guess the antithesis of that is disrespect. Do you mean in myself?

Q8: Yes.

R: Yeah I try not to be too disrespectful. I guess I value the truth. I think we’re living at a time at the moment where the truth is warped and there’s a word that’s been in my head for a long time, and particularly recently it’s come to the surface. When I was studying Macbeth, at the RSC, I read a long thesis about the gunpowder plot, which was one of the things they thought that Shakespeare (or whoever Shakespeare was) was stimulated by to write Macbeth. And the word equivocation was used in this thesis, it was actually about equivocation and what equivocation is. And if you look it up in the dictionary, at the moment most politicians are equivocating. When you don’t answer a question, or you bend the truth to make it seem like you are answering the question, and in fact you’re telling a lie. So I would say my red dragon would be equivocation.

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Then there was the physical form that I was studying and observing, but also, I do sometimes enjoy locking myself away in a room and reading a book or just doing something alone, and you sometimes can go a couple of days without speaking to anybody. I don’t know whether anyone else experiences this or whether I’m just a weirdo. But I find that when that happens my voice changes, and I always forget how to make a noise, I have to do a warm-up before I go into the world and start speaking again.

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Q15: I was wondering if you ever had to pull out of a project because it felt wrong or something, and what is the point where you say “nope I can’t do this”?

R: Um, no. But that’s partly to do with the fact that I have a lot of loyalty, probably too much loyalty for my own good, really, and there’ve been moment when I’ve been on board a project, and actually it happened this year with The Lodge, I was already on board that project and something else came along which was bigger and better and brighter and more money, and your agent says “look we can pull you out of The Lodge, they can probably recast it,” and here I think “I’ve already started this process, I don’t want to let people down,” and I don’t have a problem with that at all, I never have any regrets over the things that you miss or the things that you decide not to do, I think there’s a strong enough reason why you’ve decided not to do it, but in general no I haven’t ever pulled out of something. There was one television show I remember, I’m not going to say what it is, but after the first readthrough, I did call my agent and asked, “can I get out of this?” And then he quickly got back to me and said, “don’t do it. Don’t build a reputation built on disloyalty.” So I try not to.

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Q18: I think you are very handsome, but your character Francis hated the way he looked, how did that make you feel?

R: Francis hated the way he looked? Yeah. I guess there is something we relate to in that. Without getting too personal, I don’t always enjoy looking at myself in the mirror. I don’t do it very often, to be honest. I do it just to be sure I don’t have food on my face. I do it in character, actually. I do spend a bit of time studying my own face when I’m playing a character, which is interesting because your face does change. (source)

He cannot see the handsomeness: “I think I am odd-looking. I have big lines on my forehead.” I squint, looking for them, but he is talking over me, sounding slightly panicked. “I shouldn’t draw attention to it, because then everyone else will see the oddness.”

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Laziness is what makes him angry: “Laziness in myself. Laziness in other people. And dishonesty. All things I feel capable of myself. I have a propensity to be lazy and lie about it. Fear makes me rageful. There are words in The Crucible I actually find it quite hard to say.” I beg for an example — The Crucible is in the public domain. “No,” he says, “you’ll see it in the play.” I tell him it will make no sense in print if he will not tell me. But he won’t. So I change the subject. It works. “OK, I will give you a line.” He inflates a little and says: “Is there no good penitence but it be public?” And then: “Were I stone I would have cracked for shame this seven month.” (source)

Q: How would you describe your evolution as an actor since you started?

A: I think everything has to do with the fact that today I’m not afraid anymore. At first, I was embarrassed to do something wrong or do things badly or make myself ridiculous. Today, I am almost looking for opportunities to be ridiculous or vulnerable or to make as much of a mistake as possible. In a sense, it’s now the opposite of being undercover.

Q: Are you the actor you dreamed of being when you started?

A: Not yet. I am not yet fearless enough. It’s in waves, actually. But I have already approached this dream. There were moments, especially during Arthur Miller’s The Crucible, which I performed on stage, where I felt I had no control over things. That’s what I’m looking for: to lose control.

Q: You often play bad guys. What do you like in these characters?

A: I like disobedience. I like the fact that you can be disobedient thanks to your creativity. As a person, I must always be polite in life, be careful and correct so as not to hurt anyone. In a fantasy world, I can be as offensive as I want. It’s an outlet. (Laughter)

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Q: Many actors are moving to directing. Is this also your goal?

A: I would like to, but I do not think I’m smart enough. I am good when it comes to working with another’s vision. I do not think I have that creative spontaneity that creates a vision from scratch. But the future will tell. (source)

I applaud Richard for being so open and direct about his fears and insecurities. It takes a lot of bravery to do so. And while I've seen some fans get annoyed with his continual self-deprecation, I think his honesty and openness is much more significant, and shows his inner strength. He doesn't try to pretend to be someone he's not.

He recently described himself as “patient, obsessive, and silly” (source). The patient part is classic Virgo, and the obsessive part comes from an element of his natal chart that I have not mentioned.

The silly part, however, is classic Leo. Like I said above, he has an almost equal amount of Leo and Virgo in his personality. Personally, I'm proud to be a Leo, but I also know we get misunderstood a lot of the time. I wrote the following for an essay of mine on Leos in Disney:

Your sun sign represents your core identity. Just like the physical sun is the center of the solar system and its energy creates life, the astrological sun is our consciousness and life force. Each of the twelve sun signs are ruled by a different planet and element.

Since Leo is the fixed fire sign, we don't inherit the reckless and impulsive nature of fire, but instead are a steady flame. No sign is more reckless and impulsive than Aries, because they have the double combination of being a cardinal sign and a fire sign. Meanwhile, all four of the fixed signs struggle with stubbornness and admitting when their wrong.

Leo's are well known to be natural leaders and the rulers of the zodiac. We are ruled by the sun and our animal is the lion. We dream big and are born with big personalities, and we can't help but be theatrical and dramatic. This means we are always self-centered in the sense of being strong-willed and having a strong sense of self. It does not mean all Leos are egotistical.

Unhealthy Leo traits all revolve around the ego: attention-seeking, egotistical, selfish, bossy, controlling, pushy, jealous, possessive, lazy, vain, arrogant, aggressive, and obstinate.

Healthy Leos, however, are known for our fire-based traits – being animated, theatrical, happy, outgoing, independent, competitive, charismatic, creative, open-minded, open-hearted, confident, assertive, playful, warm, social, courageous, idealistic, affectionate, romantic, optimistic, and adventurous.

What isn't often talked about is our steadiness, our fixed-based traits. Leos are authentic, steadfast, fiercely loyal and protective, consistent, persistent, full-hearted, dedicated, need to do their best, generous and selfless, honorable and moral, genuine and direct, extremely supportive, hard-working and responsible, dignified, strong-willed, and ambitious and determined.

Something that is often mentioned but highly misunderstood is our trait of courage. Having courage doesn't mean you're fearless or reckless. The definition of courage is “the power or quality of dealing with or facing danger, fear, pain, etc.” It means that instead of running away from our problems or denying our emotions; healthy Leos face them and be genuine and direct with ourselves, embracing our vulnerability.

Having a big personality doesn't necessarily mean someone has a big ego. C.S. Lewis once said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.” Leos have huge hearts and are incredibly generous. The sun never goes retrograde, always shines, and gives life and energy to all living beings – it isn't selective or discriminatory. Healthy Leos are like mini suns; which is why we are also irrepressibly upbeat, optimistic, and fun-loving.

We're not pushovers. We are like roses – we have both flower petals and thorns. If you mess with someone we love you're going down. We're too loyal and protective to let major things slide; and even if we forgive, we never forget. Little things? We'll try to work them out with you.

Being naturally strong-willed and assertive is healthy – it just means we usually make horrible subordinates and yes people. There's nothing wrong with having high standards and being open about them. In fact, in relationships it's far better in the long run to open and frank about what you need and what you consider a dealbreaker from the beginning.

And oh yes are we ambitious and competitive – but most often with ourselves. We're natural leaders who always dream and think big. For a healthy Leo it's not about being the best, but doing your best. We have to be grand and intense, we're ruled by the sun. It's all or nothing for us. Settling is not something a Leo does. We need to be the best leader, the best friend, the best partner, etc. that we possibly can.

Also, in astrology each sign rules a different body part, and Leo rules the heart and upper back.

Adding to this, Leos are known as the Kings/Queens of the zodiac not because we're egotistical, but because our sun sign is the sun. It's like a double amount sun. I could go into significantly more detail about this, but it involves a lot of technical astrological details; so if anyone wants to know more just message me!

Going back to Richard, having his core self (sun) and love/beauty (venus) in Leo explains why he is an actor and artist; and why he is often warm, silly, and dramatic when he feels comfortable – his long interview with The Anglophile Channel (and it's deleted scenes) does a great job of showing the synergy between his Leo and Virgo sides.

We see Richard express the heartfelt, generous, sincere, and honorable side of Leo all the time. This is why I'm sure he has the inner-confidence and strength hidden within him to overcome the deep pain his Chiron causes him (like it does to us all). I hope he continues to find projects and people that help him on his journey to heal.

Thank you for reading this, I'm wishing him and you all the best. Take care!

[official-weasley]

Love, William (Bill Weasley x OC) - Chapter 1

Theodora Cork has everything she could wish for in the summer before her seventh year. She has Fred and George – her two best friends. She has a brother that supports her with whatever she wants to do with her life. She is an amazing Chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team and she is going to spend the summer at the Burrow.

She also has the biggest crush on the twins' brother Bill but the only thing she has with him is an 8 year age difference. Something that doesn't stop Fred, George, and Charlie from getting endless ideas to bring them together.

A/N: I started this blog to write down all my story ideas for our freckled dragon boy but after two stories I decided to give Bill some love too! I wanted to try a different POV this time, so tell me what you think? I like the first-person POV more but this was fun and a bit challenging to write as well!

Also, this is the first time I didn't really stick with the time frame of events (when it comes to Quidditch and them being at the Burrow during summer). I tend to be a perfectionist when it comes to time and events and I wanted to get out of my comfort bubble a bit and see if I can endure changing things! Also, I felt like writing a really positive story full of fluff so I tried removing as many negative things from that timeline as possible.

I know I tormented our Charlie bean in the last two stories even if he got the happy and alternative ending so the next one about him will be nothing but pure fluff! 💙

I just wanted to see if I can write something about our dear eldest Weasley and because I had a rather emotional month it's sweet and might get you diabetes, so beware and I hope you enjoy it! 💙

WARNINGS: none other than Fred & George shenanigans and some Quidditch

Chapter 1 - George's Sacrifice

“She’s going to do it,” Fred whispered to his brother, lurking behind a corner.

“I told you, she’s perfect for the job,” George whispered back.

“Yeah, but she was protesting for 3 days.” Fred tried to defend himself.

“It’s a new product and we didn’t tell her what exactly it does. Of course, she was protesting.”

“We don’t even know what it does, George.” Fred tried rolling his eyes to keep the chuckle in his throat. They couldn’t risk getting caught.

“You know that she’ll murder us both if this goes wrong.” George didn’t dare to look at his twin. He knew that if they lock eyes they will start laughing.

“What are you two good-for-nothing rats sneaking around my office for?” The twins turned around to follow the voice. Their faces were pale and if they thought the whole situation was funny before, they definitely didn’t think so now.

“Theo, he’s on to us! Run!” They said in unison, trying to avoid eye contact with Filch, whose face was getting redder by the second.

“Done! What are you two shou...” The girl that joined them didn’t finish her sentence. She might’ve needed a second to realize there was one person too many standing in the circle.

“As we said...” Fred mumbled.

“Run!” George shouted, desperately trying to find something in his pocket.

Fred grabbed the girl’s hand before she could properly look at Filch who was now grinding his teeth together in anger. There was a loud crackling noise and when the trio turned around to see if Filch was following them the hallway was getting stuffed with dark grey smoke.

“Do you have the map, Fred?” George panted, his hands on his knees.

Fred, who was trying to see if Filch ran after them, shook his head. “Theodora has it.”

They both looked at her while she searched the inner pockets of her robes.

“Here it is!” She exclaimed.

They stuck their heads together, George sneaking a look around them just to be sure no one was watching. They took out their wands and tapped on the map while saying ‘we solemnly swear we are up to no good’.

The empty piece of parchment revealed the map seconds later.

“Right, where’s the nearest escape passage?” Theodora ran her finger through the map, the twins scanning it with their eyes.

“Around the corner,” Fred whispered.

“But Filch can already be there,” Theodora said, concerned. She pointed her finger at Filch’s name on the map. The footprints were getting closer to them. “Do you still have any smoke pastilles?”

“Just one more.” George’s hand already in his pocket as he was trying to find it, his tongue stuck out in concentration. “Got it!”

“Let’s go.” Fred waved his hand at his two friends after checking if the coast is clear.

The trio tip-toed around the corner, George ready to throw the pastille if needed. Theodora was clutching the map, following Filch’s every move. He was getting closer and it looked like they will meet right where they are supposed to enter the passage.

“He’s going to see us,” Theodora said through her teeth, trying to stop her jaw from shaking.

They did shenanigans like this all the time but Filch rarely got so close to catching them. He only did so 3 times since the twins invited her to tag along to one of their adventures as they called it. Fred and George took the blame each time but the last time they were caught, Snape got in their way and they couldn’t lie to McGonagall that Theodora had nothing to do with it.

She received a Howler from her mother every day for a week after that detention. Mrs. Weasley might be frightening with her screams but nothing compared to the promises what Theodora’s mother will make her do when she returns at the end of the school year.

Never-ending chores, no going out, no using magic even though she’s 17, and no avoiding visiting her grandma who always pinches her cheeks so hard that they hurt for days. And most importantly, no writing or receiving a single letter from her two best friends.

Right when they thought they got away and George was the last one to squeeze through the passage he heard Mrs. Norris meow and when he turned around to see if she was close, he saw Filch’s victorious grin.

“No matter what you do, just run straight to the Gryffindor Tower!” George shouted as another cracking sound filled their ears.

Fred and Theodora had no time to question what George was doing, as they heard Filch’s evil laugh and they started running through the tunnel as fast as their legs allowed them.

They didn’t stop nor turned around until they reached the Fat Lady Portrait, mumbled the password, and jumped through the hole. They ran up the stairs of the boy’s dormitories, ignoring the fact that the whole common room was staring at them. They burst through the door of Fred and George’s room and hid under the covers of Fred’s bed.

They didn’t move for solid five minutes. They barely even breathed, not daring to move a muscle. Once they were sure the coast was clear they came from under the covers and saw Lee Jordan staring at them with an amused look on his face.

Theodora and Fred were so busy making sure that Filch didn’t follow them that they failed to acknowledge Lee’s presence. The latter was sitting on his bed, a piece of parchment in his hands, his eyebrows now raised. The duo knew he was practicing his introduction speech for the Quidditch game tomorrow.

“What’s chasing you two?” He giggled.

“Prank gone wrong,” Fred explained. “Filch came back to his office while Theodora was still inside and he chased us.”

“George sacrificed himself for us so we could get away.” Theodora finished.

“Why didn’t you check the map to see if he was coming?” Lee asked puzzled.

“We forgot that Harry gave it to Theo and when we remembered she was already in his office,” Fred answered.

Fred and George gave the map to Harry Potter in his third year since they had it memorized. However, whenever Theodora was anxious about their plan, they asked Harry for the map back because they knew it made her feel better.

“Do you reckon George got caught?” Theodora was biting the inner side of her cheek.

“Didn’t you hear Filch laughing? Of course, he got caught.” Fred frowned.

This didn’t go according to his plan at all. Ever since he, his brother, and Theodora started to invent their own products together, they deemed Filch to be the perfect test subject. Usually, it was easy to get away but lately, Filch has been guarding his office more and they had less time to execute their plan.

Because they were caught, they won’t be able to see if their little experiment worked. George has learned a few years ago that Filch loves candy and what better gift than U-No-Poo in a box with a nice bow and a card that says You deserve it.

Fred and Theodora were getting more nervous by the minute. What was taking George so long? What was Filch doing to him?

One look at her friend and Theodora wanted to get up and investigate the situation when the door opened and George walked in.

“What happened?” The trio in the room asked in unison.

“I think it’s safe to say I am getting a Howler from mum tomorrow.” George sighed.

“We were hoping you got away,” Theodora said sadly.

“I was too slow with the smoke pastille and he grabbed my hand.” George started to explain. “He dragged me all the way to his office and threatened me to hang me by my feet. Luckily McGonagall saw us and demanded to know what was going on at once. Filch, of course, ratted us all out but because you two weren’t there,” George nodded to Theodora and his twin, “she only gave detention to me. One week in the kitchen.”

“That’s not bad at all!” Theodora clapped.

Detention in the kitchen was a piece of cake. They had to obey the elves and usually wash dishes or scrub the floors. It was better than cleaning toilets, something Fred and George had to do last month for releasing a Dungbomb in front of the Great Hall and it beat polishing trophies with Filch any day. Theodora knew a lot about that because of her cauldron disaster in Snape’s class at the beginning of the year.

In a few minutes, they forgot all about George’s detention and were already making a plan to get revenge on Filch. It was getting late and as usual, Theodora fell asleep, kneeling beside Fred’s bed, her head on the mattress.

Because of how often that happened, as the twins and the girl were mostly in the boys’ dormitory, they made a blanket fortress years ago and whenever she fell asleep in their dorm, they simply let her sleep there. They didn’t get in detention for that yet and they didn’t know what else to do, since the boys weren’t allowed into girl’s dormitories to take her back.

—

Theodora woke up before everyone else the next morning. She was a bit disoriented – not knowing where she was. When she heard loud snoring she knew she was in the boys’ dorm. She uncovered herself, with a smile on her face, thankful for how good the twins were to her, and sneaked out.

With all the running and still smelling like smoke, she took a shower and changed her clothes before going down for early breakfast.

The twins were her best friends and she wouldn’t trade them for anyone in the world but sometimes, not having any girl friends, took its toll on her. That’s why she snuck to the Great Hall alone to have some peace and quiet whenever she got the chance.

“Are you nervous, Theo?” George sat down next to her, half an hour later.

“It’s Slytherins, I only have adrenaline in my veins.” She grinned.

“We better beat them today, I am craving a party.” Fred sat on her other side.

“Just direct all the bludgers into their direction so us Chasers can score as many goals as possible before Harry gets the Snitch.” Theodora’s grin turned into a mischievous smirk.

“Oh, you can bet we...”

George gulped, unable to finish his sentence as owls started to fly down to the tables, dropping letters and packages on plates and in student’s hands.

“I told you I’ll get a Howler.” George sighed, staring at the red envelope that started to shake the second it turned to him.

“Open it, George. You know it’s only going to get worse.” Fred said.

“She can’t say anything you didn’t hear before.” Theodora bit her lip, putting her hand on George’s back to comfort him.

Nobody can’t deny that the twins were famous for getting Howlers. By now, everybody knew the high-pitched furious voice that belonged to Molly Weasley. However, no matter how many of these they got, they were still nervous every time.

Both knew that their mum wouldn’t come up with a new punishment. It would be a miracle if she did because they were in detention so much that the most creative Ravenclaw would struggle to find a new way of getting them punished.

Mrs. Weasley tried and hoped through the years that her two sons would grow up and that one day before they finish school, she wouldn’t get a letter from their head of house at least for one week. So far, she was only so lucky once in their fourth year and it was only because they came down with the flu.

George grabbed the Howler and quickly opened it. It was like ripping off a bandage— it was better to do it quicker rather than slower.

“GEORGE WEASLEY, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU GOT YOURSELF IN DETENTION AGAIN! YOU JUST FINISHED WITH ONE AND HERE WE ARE AGAIN! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED!

I CANNOT BELIEVE PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL ONLY GAVE YOU ONE WEEK WORTH OF DETENTION. THIS IS NOT PUNISHMENT ENOUGH FOR THROWING SOME SMOKE THINGS AT MR. FILCH!

YOU WILL APOLOGIZE TO THAT MAN AND SINCE NOTHING SEEMS TO SUFFICE WITH YOU, I AM TAKING YOUR QUIDDITCH PRIVILEGES AWAY FROM YOU!!!”

Half of the Gryffindor table gasped. They were wrong. She has never done that before.

“She can’t.” Fred banged the table with his fist.

“She probably means for the rest of the year.” Theodora tried staying optimistic.

“This is the last game of the year, Theo.” George buried his face in his hands.

“Indeed.” They all turned around to see Professor McGonagall standing behind them, her face full of disappointment.

“But the game’s today, professor,” Fred whined.

“How are we going to beat Slytherins with one Beater?” George followed his lead.

“There has to be something you can do, professor.” Theodora tried making puppy eyes. “We know how much you want us to win the cup against them.”

“As much as that is true, Miss Cork, I cannot stand between a student and their parent.” The professor furrowed her eyebrows before turning to Fred. “You will have to work for the two of you, Mr. Weasley.”

Before Fred could say anything back she walked away toward the teacher’s table.

“I can’t believe she would do this. Doesn’t she know how important Quidditch is!” George’s face was beginning to match his hair. He got red in the face every time he was mad.

“Well,” Theodora cleared her throat, “you have to give it to her. She finally found a punishment that you didn’t laugh off.”

George glared at his best friend but he knew she was right. There was nothing he could do except to hope that by some miracle Harry gets the Snitch as fast as he possibly can.

—

The second they got into the Quidditch tent their captain Oliver Wood started shouting at George almost as loudly as Mrs. Weasley’s Howler did.

“This is an outrage! Preposterous! How could you! Why do you always have to do this! Can’t you...just for once...stop pranking that old rat and focus on Quidditch!” George’s eyes were closed for most of the time Oliver was shouting at him – he didn’t want his saliva in his eyes.

He knew he was going to yell. It wasn’t the first time the twins missed practice or didn’t attend the game because of detention. He was disappointed to make Oliver so mad as he didn’t intend this to happen.

“I am sorry, Wood. I didn’t know this will...”

“Get...out...of...my...tent!” Oliver said through his teeth before George could say another word.

George stood up and did as he was told. He didn’t want to stand in the crowd full of Gryffindors who were angry at him so he decided to join his friend Lee at the commentator stand.

The second he came up, he heard his head of house sigh. He knew she was disappointed in him and he can’t recall when was the last time he was so upset about something he did wrong if he was ever this upset.

His team was counting on him, this was the last game of the year — the most important game. The game that could win them the house cup. Now it would be a miracle if they would win.

Madam Hooch’s whistle, the roar from other stands, and the voice coming from the microphone right next to his ear made him shake in his seat.

“And another goal for Gryffindor. Gryffindor’s Chaser Theodora Cork is on fire today!” Lee shouted into the microphone.

George looked at the scoring board. 30 – 20 for Gryffindor. It wasn’t a bad start. Theodora scored 2 out of 3 goals and George was proud. She was the best Chaser on their team.

“Due to an unfortunate event, George Weasley cannot be on the pitch today, leaving the Gryffindor team with only one Beater,” Lee commented as McGonagall, who was sitting right behind George, sighed again.

Theodora snatched the Quaffle from one of the Slytherin’s Chasers, flying as fast as her broom allowed her toward the Slytherin hoops.

“That’s another ten points for Gryffindor! I bet Slytherins are getting mad. This was the second time Cork took the Quaffle right before they scored!” Lee tried being biased but sometimes he needed a bit of a nudge from his head of house as he got too excited when Gryffindors scored a goal.

Despite the result being 70 – 30 for Gryffindor, George didn’t dare to get his hopes up.

“Slytherins’ two beaters started playing dirty. Potter spotted the Snitch and they are determined to knock him off his broom!”

All eyes were on Harry now. He was battling with the Slytherin’s Seeker for the Snitch and the Bludger that the two Beaters of the opposite team kept directing toward him was fast approaching.

“Slytherin scored!” Lee shouted less enthusiastically into the microphone. “70 – 40 for Gryffindor. Come on, Harry! You got this!”

George turned to Lee when he heard McGonagall clear her throat. He giggled when he saw her pursed lips, warning Lee to stay neutral by poking him with her opera glasses.

George turned his attention to his brother to see how he was doing. He was trying to catch up with the Slytherin Beaters and redirect the Bludger to their Seeker. He felt so helpless. If he wasn’t caught by Filch, he would be there next to Fred right now and they would free Harry of the stupid ball.

“And Cork stole the ball from the Slytherins again. They sure do have to grow a pair of eyes! She passed the ball to Angelina Johnson and...and...she scored!” Lee was now so excited that he stood up, almost throwing his microphone in the air.

George couldn’t deny that sitting next to Lee was rather amusing. He always listened to his commentary while on the pitch but seeing all of his reactions up close was something else.

“90 – 60 for Gryffindor now. We are still waiting to see who will win the battle for the Snitch!” Lee gripped the microphone tighter, getting nervous. They have been playing for an hour and a half.

“Potter dodged the Bludger twice now but will he be so lucky the third time?”

George couldn’t take his eyes off Harry. His hands in a fist, rooting for the boy to make them win the game.

“In the name of our house’s founder, this is unbelievable!” Lee roared, now standing up. “Fred Weasley managed to catch up to the Bludger and send it straight to the Slytherin Chaser who was just about to score. Angelina Johnson now has the Quaffle! Will she pass it to Cork or will she go to the hoops on her own?”

Lee was jumping in his seat while George didn’t know in which direction to look. He was watching Angelina flying towards the hoops, Theodora watching her back. He wanted to see how Fred was doing but also find Harry to see how close he was to catching the golden ball.

“And Johnson scores again! 100 to... Wait! Wait!” Lee was jumping up and down, trying to gather the words to express his excitement. “We won! We won! Potter caught the Snitch! Gryffindor wins!!!”

The crowd roared and as Lee let go of the microphone, George hugged him and they started jumping and cheering.

George turned around to see McGonagall trying hard to stay professional, clapping like mad at the surprise victory. Professor Flitwick, on the other hand, didn’t care if everyone saw he was cheering for Gryffindor as he was dancing in his seat, cupping his mouth, shouting Go, Gryffindor!

His brother has done some memorable things but George couldn’t recall ever being prouder of him than he was at that moment.

—

“Come on, Theo, just one date.” The boy smirked at Theodora who was half laying in one of the armchairs in the Gryffindor common room, trying to study for one of her final exams – Herbology.

“For a millionth time, no, John!” Theodora rolled her eyes. “And stop calling me Theo. Only my friends can call me that.”

“You mean the Weasleys.” John mocked and leaned closer to Theodora.

“Get away from me!” She tried pushing him but he didn’t move.

“Don’t you have someplace other to be, Connorey?” Fred grabbed John’s shoulders and pulled him away from his friend. “Didn’t she reject you like 5 times this week?”

“That has to be a new record!” George appeared next to his brother, smirking.

“And what’s your number?” John looked unamused.

“What? Getting rejected by Theodora?” Fred laughed and sat on one side of the armchair Theodora was sitting in.

“Zero,” George answered and sat on the other side.

They both leaned toward her and gently kissed her cheeks. She giggled, winking at John which only made him madder.

“You should know by now that Theo likes older guys.” George laughed.

Theodora punched him in the shoulder, making him fall off the armchair.

“I’ll wait years for you if needed be,” John said proudly and walked away.

“Thank Godric this is his last year at Hogwarts,” Theodora said with a disgusted expression.

“He just can’t get enough of you rejecting him.” Fred winked at her.

“We have a proposal for you.” George poked his head from the side of the armchair, finally getting up. He leaned on his arms.

“We only have 14 days to go and then we are free for the summer.” Fred copied his movement on the other side.

They were both looking up at Theodora with smug expressions on their faces.

“What are you up to?” She narrowed her eyes at the twins. She knew them well enough to know they were keeping a secret from her.

“We have been friends for how long now, Theo?” George asked.

“Since our second year when you accidentally threw the wrong ingredient into my cauldron instead of that Slytherin’s what his name was...” She rubbed her chin thinking.

“Allevry.” The twins said at the same time.

“Right,” Theodora said slowly. “I got detention in the kitchen and you two felt bad for getting me in trouble so you sneaked inside and helped me clean the dishes.” She giggled.

“And we haven’t looked back since.” Fred sighed dramatically.

“Oh, I have looked back plenty of times to see if Filch or Snape were after us.” Theodora teased.

“Our point being...” George tickled Theodora.

“You haven’t been at the Burrow since that year.” Fred finished his sentence.

“Are you inviting me to visit?” She gasped.

“We are inviting you to spend the summer at our home.” The twins said in unison.

“We have to develop at least 5 products this summer and we can’t do it without you.” George grinned.

“And Bill will be there.” Fred sang, winking at Theodora.

This time, he got pushed off the armchair.

Bill was Theodora’s first crush. After their second year, the twins invited her to spend a weekend at the Burrow. Their eldest brother came to visit as he got a few days off from work. The second Theodora saw him she was intrigued.

Back then, she was determined to be a Curse Breaker when finishing school and she loved the fact that Bill answered her every question. He spent most of that weekend talking about his job with her and by the looks of it he didn’t mind at all.

Of course, with the 8-year gap between them, she knew he was only being friendly and she was too young back then to even think twice about it but that didn’t stop her from daydreaming about him. As long as it stays in her head, she is doing nobody any harm.

It wasn’t even a day and the twins were on to her. They saw her blush around him and asking Bill questions he already gave her an answer to. They were teasing her up until her fourth year when she went out with a Hufflepuff boy two years above her.

“So?” Theodora tried acting unphased about what they have just told her, desperately hoping they couldn’t see her blush.

She hasn’t seen Bill since that summer but she couldn’t deny that he still popped into her mind here and there, wondering what he is doing and how is he.

“Oh, William will be crushed when he finds out you forgot all about him!”

If Fred wasn’t her friend, she would hex him on the spot for teasing her. Perhaps she should’ve said yes to going out with John, then they would have left her alone.

“It was a silly crush!” She frowned at them. “Forget about it or I will obliviate it out of you!”

“Right...” George giggled.

“Just a silly crush.” Fred followed.

“How come he’s going to be home?” Theodora cleared her throat, trying to act as casual as possible.

“The Weasley Quidditch Tournament is this summer and he’s taking a longer vacation to attend it,” Fred answered.

“Charlie’s coming too!” George said excitedly.

“Charlie’s coming?!” Theodora jumped in her seat.

She hasn’t seen the dragon lover ever since he left school. If it wasn’t for the twins, Charlie would be her favorite Weasley. He was an amazing Quidditch captain — way more chill than Oliver — and even though he was a Prefect he never deducted points from them when they got into trouble.

“Yeah, yeah. We know, he’s your favorite.” George playfully rolled his eyes.

The twins knew Charlie reminded Theodora of her older brother Eric who was an Auror in America. He was just as passionate about his job and they had a similar personality. When the twins introduced her to Charlie, she couldn’t stay away from him because she missed her brother so much that being around Charlie made it bearable.

“If Charlie’s coming, then count me in!”

“Honestly, George, do you feel a bit offended right now?” Fred looked at his twin.

“She will visit because of Charlie and not us.” George scoffed.

Theodora couldn’t stop chuckling. Them being dramatic was her favorite trait of theirs.

“Bill will be heartbroken.”

She stopped the second Fred said that and punched him in the shoulder again. She was ready to defend herself again when her brows came together.

“What did you remember?” George knew that look all too well.

“I can’t come.” Theodora sunk in her chair.

“What?”

“Why?” Fred followed his brother.

“Do you remember the Howlers I got from my mother, about me doing chores all summer?”

“Oh, that!” George swung his hand and nodded to Fred.

Theodora turned her head to Fred who pulled a letter from his back pocket. He gave it to her and she opened it at once.

Dear Fred and George,

I can’t deny that you made some good points in your letter. I appreciate that you took the responsibility for Theodora getting in trouble, however, she won’t get out of this so easily. Whether it was her fault or not, she simply can’t get away with how she was behaving.

I understand that this tournament of yours is very important so I will allow her to stay with you under the condition that she helps your mother around the house whenever needed.

I took the liberty to write to Molly and she assured me that there is plenty of work that is waiting for all three of you once the school is finished.

Keep yourself and my daughter out of trouble, will you?

Miranda Cork

“What in the bloody hell did you write to my mother that she is allowing me to spend the summer with you?” Theodora was staring at the letter with her mouth open.

Molly might be known for shouting at her sons but she was not nearly as strict as her mother. There was nothing in the world that could convince Mrs. Cork to change her mind. Theodora would know, she tried on many occasions over the years.

“It’s the Weasley charm.” Fred winked at her.

She wanted to punch him again but she was too excited to join them at the Burrow to do so. She couldn’t believe it! She didn’t care that she would have to help around the house. She would have her two best friends there to keep her company.

And she will be able to play Quidditch with the other Weasleys and bond with Charlie again. It suddenly seemed that the end of the school year couldn’t come fast enough.

Right, when she deemed the summer to come the best one in years, she felt her heart skipping a beat as Fred’s words came to mind again.

And Bill will be there.

[kiingocreative]

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"Perfectionism and procrastination have such a fine line. You say, 'Well, I want it to be good. I want it to be perfect.' But what you're really doing is not doing your work. You're putting off showing up and being visible because then you're going to be judged, and it might suck.” - Jen Sincero

The killer of progress is perfectionism. We all want to create work that others look at and say, “Wow, this is perfection.” Because when they say, “This really isn’t very good,” what we hear is, “You suck as a person.” Separating yourself from your work is important and very difficult.

Creating is such a personal action. Putting your work into the world takes vulnerability. We want to make sure we are putting our best work forward. That makes total sense.

But this need to be perfect and polished destroys our progress. I have worked with writers who may never finish their book because they want to edit every word as they go until each word is perfect and they feel safe to move on. And I have also been that writer myself. I so desperately wanted my first book to be PERFECT. In fact, I wanted it so badly that it seeped into my plot and I created a character who was made in a lab so she could be perfect! But that desire is stifling.

Friend, here’s the truth: bad writing is the path to greatness. It’s been said you can edit a bad page; you can’t edit a blank one. Now I would like to add more to that and scream it loudly so everyone in the back row can hear: WE DON’T EXIST TO BE PERFECT! So why would you expect your creations to be what you can not?

I believe all creators have a perfectionist problem. It isn’t just you. Every book on writing advice I have read to date, mentions fighting their inner perfectionist. We care about our work and that is a really really good thing. What is not good is letting that care overtake your ability to put words on paper.

So what do we do about it? I always have some bit about how to overcome these situations. How do we do this?

You can’t!

Sike. You can. You absolutely can. But it takes intention.

First, give your inner critic a name.

Did you see the new(ish) Disney movie, Luca? When Luca struggles with her inner fear, Alberto says, “Silencio Bruno!” and from then on when the voice in Luca’s head is telling him to run away, he tells “Bruno” to be quiet. This is a great depiction of a tool we can use to silence our own inner fear (or perfectionist).

Give your inner perfectionist a name and a job. Name it Sally, Percy, Billy Bob, or Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramírez. When it wants to pipe up during a first draft and warn you of imperfections tell it to zip its lip and wait its turn. Then when it comes time to line edit, let it out, and allow it to have a field day all over your manuscript. Those last edits are the perfect time for your perfectionist but not a moment before.

Next, slowly adapt to rejection.

We need to learn how to handle small rejections in order to build up to larger ones. If you want to traditionally publish but are terrified of being turned down by every agent out there so you don’t even want to try—submit short stories to small magazines first. Dip your toes into something that feels less risky. If you are accepted, awesome! If you are rejected, sweet! Either way, you are moving forward.

Finally, and this is the hardest part, learn to separate ‘you’ from your work.

When you read a book, do you judge the author’s character? Hopefully not. When you find a typo in a New York Times Bestseller do you call whoever is in charge of the list and demand it be redacted? Heavens no! You are not your work. Your work is not a reflection of your worth. Your work is like a child. You do your best to give it a heartbeat and help it grow up strong but once your job is done you release it into the world and allow it to succeed or fail on its own. It is its own creation. Even if you are the worst wordsmith in the world, you still matter.

You got this.