#but mostly I just feel. empty
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hey google how do I speedrun the grieving process
#most people max out at losing 2 grandpas but I had to go above and beyond and score 3#🤡.txt#tw vent#tw death#day 2#I found out he passed last night.#and I cried yes. a lot#and I still have today a little#but mostly I just feel. empty#like nothing is real#the realization that he’s really gone just keeps sort of coming back in waves#like it’ll just go to the back of my mind for a little while and then I’ll remember all over again and get hit with another wave of grief#and I don’t know what to do.#there’s nothing to do.#there is no solution. there’s no fix. I can’t do anything to feel better except to feel bad#it just doesn’t make sense#It’s so much easier when you have a difficult task to complete than when there’s no task at all. i don’t have any power here.#I just want things to be normal again; but ‘normal’ for us involved him suffering so in a way I don’t#most of all I’m just happy he isn’t hurting anymore. that’s all I want for him. he isn’t in pain#that’s what I have to keep reminding myself#I visited him in his hospital room a few weeks ago- I can’t even remember how many times he’d been in and out of care- and I just. knew#I knew he wouldn’t come back from this one#he tried so hard to put on a brave face for us; for my mom; for everyone#but when he didn’t know I was looking.. I knew he was hurting#no many thumbs up or smiles he tried to give me#I could already tell this was something that couldn’t be fixed.#fuck.#i. god#I just wish we had more time. isn’t that what everyone wishes? I just wanted to be there and look at him one more time#he deserved so much better than this.
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pvp civ nation...... this aint much but pls take my contribution for this series bc im going insane i love hate this man so much get him out of my head
#senart#pvp civilization#pvp civ#I'LL MAKE A PROPER ONE I SWEARR I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT OF MYSYSTEM FIRST#if it turns out he gets a bad ending in ep 6 i dont think i'll be ok like#he deserves a good ending . or a villain arc at least. he deserves to go batshit crazy after how everyone treated him#ALSOO the chekovs gun video journal device thing?? The excessive 4th wall breaking?#Is it just me or does jt feel like evbo is gonna lose his memory/already lost his memory and was sent to the wood sword lvl with tabi#or like . Idk?? It feels kind of truman show ish. Well maybe not that but its just the vibe im getting w the way that everyone has their-#-own secrets. How the diamond swords seems to know who evbo n tabi is. How princezam knows about the diamond swords#and then theres also parrot whos just?? Weird overall?? Idk whats going on w him but i need to know his backstory wdym u think evbo will-#-hate you if he knows what you did??#ANYWAY BACK TO THE VIDEO JOURNAL AND POTENTIAL MEMORY LOSS.#I dont want jt to go that way (mostly bc i dont want to see evbo suffer more than he already did) but it rlly does seem like its heading to#that direction w the way that it also has become a way to narrate what he went through (ie when the ep shows his attempts to beat the-#gold sword lvl but hes narrating it from the future. from his video journal. where he already beat the lvl)#im going insane#Wait also what i meant by the truman show vibe in relation to the excessive 4th wall breaks it makes it sound like pvp civ is just a -#simulation#wait i just remembered its the matrix not that mb umm#anyways.#empty chattering
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(nanako voice): dear brother, i am being haunted by visions of starnge and beaudiful goirls
#i know i've said it over and over (if not on here then irl) but kaoru being popular for her hall monitor everybody sit down and work rizz#is really Really funny to me#sorry this is kinda empty and half done my tablet pen DIED while i was making this#kaoru and nanako are wheelbarrowing rei somewhere she's not surrounded by mirrors and half-frozen dino nuggets#anyway can you tell i have a favorite lol#i meant to draw tomoko and nanako (well. draw her More) and even miya but. pen dead :((#dear brother#oniisama e#this was mostly just me trying desperately to figure out how to draw kaoru's hair rip#i have a physical need to capture her charm but idk if im quite getting there. sad#anyway :p#skrunkart#kaoru orihara#asaka rei#shinobu mariko#i feel bad tagging nanako but i guess i should anyway huh#misonoo nanako#plus that bully character whose name idr (hence why i couldn't get a better image of her oops).. rip bozo
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please. i need alastor with his hair up so we can see the side of his head. second set of ears or smooth flesh prairie?
#hazbin hotel#alastor#hazbin alastor#hazbin hotel alastor#alastor ears#alastor's flesh fields#bc husk has the ears on top as well#but his head is shaped like a cat and he has all the fur so it works#but alastor is mostly human shaped when he wants to be and his face head is distinctly skinful#so.#like imagine he's uncomfortable or embarrassed by it because it's *yet another* physical difference that#invites the taunts and abuse and humiliation he faced in life (and is thus very sensitive about in afterlife)#he already faces being a PREY animal of all things#so. imagine. he always ALWAYS makes sure his hair covers the side of his head. in his twisted victim mind the lack of ears makes him#Wrong and Disgusting and Untouchable and A Monster (and not in the satisfying fearful way he enjoys)#so he pushes it away. doesnt let anyone learn about his ugly disgusting mutation because surely SURELY if they saw it...#he could lose everything he's worked so hard for. because who would fear him? who would respect him? who would bother looking in his#direction? he would just be another lowlife Freak undeserving of love and attention and— well#thats what he would tell himself. but then one day niffty's doing his hair like he sometimes lets her#and he's just enjoying letting her have her fun. kinda spaced out; mostly just enjoyjng the rare sensation of a touch he doesn't despise#it doesnt even register when she pulls his hair up (maybe into lil space buns or smthn idk) that it leaves his empty face on display for all#i can imagine angel being the most outwardly shocked. some loud exclamation that turns everyones attention to alastor and his earless face#just. everyone staring at him. and he realises. and he hates himself for slipping like that and oh no theyre going to hate him and tell—#— everyone and he will lose all that hes been working towards with the hotel and he is just. So. mortified. think shameful reactions:#averted gaze; flushed cheeks; figeting under their stares; or perhaps the classic deer-in-headlights look as he freezes in shock#just as he feels everything crashing down around him. the others get ahold of themselves and share their reactions too#shock; confusion; endearment (charlie would 100% do a big AWW/want to touch it); reassurances galore when they see him retreat into his mind#they tell him it's normal (he's in hell; no longer a human but a demon; everyone looks odd by some standard)#they tell him it makes sense (he's a deer after all). they tell him his appearance is nothing to be ashamed of and that everyone is still#super intimidated and frightened by him ♡; that it doesnt change anything; that theyre sorry for whatever led him to believe otherwise
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in may, it’ll be two years since succ ended, and i can’t ever even imagine leaving it behind
#i’ve been here like nearly three (😵💫) years already and my hyperfixation does ebb and flow but never fully goes away#and i’m still writing fic pretty consistently#it’s like the one fandom i’ve written the most for#even in terms of stuff i haven’t posted#bc literally my notes apps is mostly wips/ideas of the tomgreg fic variety#with a couple other succ related things#for flavour#i feel like the fandom has dwindled since the show ended#and like i understand bc no new content etc#or not much anyways#and i mostly see the same couple blogs#and i love y’all so bad#you are my life support#i check in with your blogs when i’m suffering withdrawals#and it’ll be a sad day when they too go away#but yeah like i said#not going anywhere#i mean i might not post a whole lot for personal reasons or whatever#but in terms of still busy active in the fandom#like hi hello it’s me i’m the only one in this empty room#even if it’s just writing my silly little fics <3#i feel like i’ve made this post a bunch but like#i love this show so much#and my gay businessmen <333#and also just a thing to say i’m still here in general i guess?#if like ppl might be worried about me or are interested in anything to do with me#currently working on my er.. current fic#and just vibin mostly? living my life? livin la viva loca i guess you could say?#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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Post S3. Steve — inspired by how out of shape the kids were, knowing they're about to enter highschool territory and will need even better stamina to protect themselves from bullies, and it's just good for them — harasses the party into doing morning cross-country style runs.
At first they obviously try to get out of it. But once Steve starts withholding their chauffeur privileges for a week per run they miss and proves that he means it, they begrudgingly go along with it.
Steve’s not mean about it. He doesn’t push them to run particularly fast or for excruciatingly long distances. As long as they keep themselves moving, he’s happy about it.
Of course even better are the few days where he’s able to convince Max to join them — usually through promised milkshakes afterwards.
She never jogs with them, instead skateboarding either behind them all or taunting them from in front. Which again — Steve’s just happy she’s out in the sun with them. And if the boys are too out of breath to try and strike up any kind of conversation with her when she’s not in the mood for it, then it’s all the better.
- -
Robin’s a special case. She is, of course, her own adult (as much as you can be at their age, anyway) and Steve loves her like no other, his Platonic Soulmate capital ‘P’. But Steve’s now finished his third round of Upside Down dealings, and he’ll be damned if he leaves her to deal with the aftermath all on her own. (Like he may have felt back in the beginning, but he doesn’t often like to acknowledge those particular feelings).
So when the Underground Bunker and Torture flavored nightmares finally start to make their appearance, Steve knows just the solution.
Much like the kids, it takes some convincing. Especially considering it’s nearly the middle of the night.
But Robin’s much more willing to indulge his jock tendencies. And once they get going, having snuck out Robin’s thankfully ground-floor window, she starts to see the benefit. Simultaneously releasing the body of its flight-or-fight adrenaline rush and helping to get them out of their heads.
She still hates the actual running part of it. Bemoans every time they come back covered in sweat (okay so mainly just Robin, Steve’s only “lightly damp” by his own words).
Yet Robin is the one to suggest moving their runs to the daytime as they slowly recover from Starcourt. Slowly able to get a proper night’s rest again.
Eventually it almost just becomes habit to quick change, grab their drinks, and go for a lap around the downtown shops if they both get off shift before the sun sets.
And if a certain unsuspecting metalhead happens to keep almost walking into signposts whenever the two of them jog past, well, Robin’s entitled to a little free entertainment. ;)
#steve himself probably started going for runs early on#to escape the emptiness of his house#see the sites#maybe a run through the woods is how he initially found skull rock#to just go out into the woods and exist where there's no expectations on you#but after getting into the upside down business I'd imagine the jogs through the woods mostly stop#constantly worried about not being able to hear if there were beasties nearby or flashing back to that sprint to the junkyard bus in S2#I’m not one for jogging much myself (I do enjoy an occasional walk)#but I feel like Steve would be#so now he’s slowly working to convert the group or at least Robin#no Eddies were seriously harmed in the making of this post#(just a bloody nose that is 100% because he walked into that signpost and NOT because he saw Steve jogging in those red short shorts…)#stranger things#steve harrington#The party#max mayfield#robin buckley#eddie munson#steddie#(hinted at anyway)#My posts#does this count as writing?? Sure I guess why not#my writing#stobin#platonic stobin
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sanguine desire
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp agent#lobotomy corp oc#it didnt quite come out how i would like it but its okay. it still feels empty or devoid of something. maybe ill edit it later#did edit it the shading is still rather off but its pretty fine actually was just being all down that day#juliet! juliet. juliet:) there is something very wrong with you juliet. no i cant even begin to talk about her because i cant explain things#briefly becuqse if i do i feel like im neglecting other aspects that make up the whole. save myself the trouble..#mostly just an excuse to draw the set itself as i like it. i like the sets with coats or the sort on them. i just like coats actually
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Villager offers them a small crate of food.
Luffy: You need it more than we do
Also Luffy:
#inaki’s subtleties are just *chefs kiss*#I also feel like his eyebrows are adding a lot to Luffy’s character#less head empty no thoughts#and more head mostly empty the occasional thought#one piece live action#one piece#spoilers#manga#anime#inaki godoy
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Am I continuing to hyperfixate on a children's show from ten years ago because the alternative is fantasizing about walking into traffic?
You can't prove it.
#megan whines into the empty abyss of cyberspace#mostly unrelatedly I am officially giving up trying to reread Illuminatus! rn#bc it turns out that it's just genuinely not possible while unmedicated#we are also currently watching Dark which is mind-blowingly good but which I feel no need to talk about fannishly so far#and don't worry doccy who you'll always be my best girl#but right now gravity falls somehow is the only thing keeping me sane#sigh
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i havnt drawn anything in forever sorry i'd been mostly unemployed & feeling empty but things are changing because now i am employed and filled with dread ( i still will not draw anything )
#tbh i think i still feel mostly empty but now there's a dread glazing on it#like you know when those fancy pastry chefs fo the thing where they pour chocolate or w/e on a ballon a#nd pop it when it has dried#so ur left with the shape of it and the evocation of what maybe was once there but also maybe it was just air#that's it that's me#shevr
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Lol there is this LGBT bookshop near me run by this married couple and they mostly just stock their own self-published books and graphic novels
#I feel like they have taken something from me lol#like we could have had a well-curated lgbt bookshop in my town!#but instead they have used the majority of their shelf space on self-pub books I don't trust because hey of course you would recommend them#you wrote them!!#there are also very few books for adults#and all of the books are like#mostly graphic novels and heartstopper#like hello i want the fucking double down!! I don't just want a book telling me it's ok to be gay!#I already know that because I'm a grownup!#Also the layout of their stall needs a lot of work#they don't have enough bookshelves at all and it's mostly empty space#which means it's intimidating to go check it out because they're both just there watching you as you peruse their 3 shelves.#filled with again mostly books they themselves wrote!!
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so sad when someone is a very funny person but has terrible opinions on your favorite media and/or characters. get well soon 😔
#this post is about the kh character popularity poll...#i skimmed through it just to see the results and intended to listen to the commentary later but. i dont think i can man#i caught the entirety of skuld's section... yeagh#i stopped joining the streams ages ago bc of how constantly lexaeus and vexen were used as the butt of jokes about bad/unlikable charas#and it was starting to bug me but like. that's lexaeus. no one has good takes about him because no one reads the supplemental material-#that being the character file and the days secret report- where 60% of his personality “depth” comes from#people with bad takes on him are a compromise I can make. but do not slander the good name of skuld or union cross#okay to be fair he mostly just said she has no personality and is easily replaceable but the joke of saying her name and then skipping to#the next person on the list and then going back saying “alright fine I'll talk about skuld” didn't feel great#HER PERSONALITY SECTION ON KHWIKI IS EMPTY BECAUSE NO ONE EDITING IT KNOWS KHUX CHARACTERS!!! my telekinesis throws everything aroundtheroo#pretty sure this was his take about most mobile game characters. i probably like them so much because theres something in the water here#zero understanding about why anyone voted for baldr... this also happened with data sora#anway it's 1:30 in the morning#appreciation for serious characters who bring hardworking vibes to the table that everyone calls boring. putting axel in a glue trap.#goodnight#bluejay chirpin
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thinking fondly abt stormblood as i'm fate grinding for the yokai event... the ala mhigan areas are so pretty and the music is straight up fire tbh
#i would love it if they retroactively added a shared fate system there... extra excuses to noodle around in sb areas would be so nice#also i miss lyse something fierce lol. i will ng+ i will.... (after dawntrail. i'm being reasonable)#i'm also so fond of stormblood because i feel like that was *my* moment of figuring out the shape of my wol#before that i was mostly just running around hitting things with an axe or sword no thoughts head empty style#+ i love the part-of-a-whole role the wol plays in it and it has become so essential to how i see him.....
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🧍♂️🧍♂️🧍♂️
#this is so incredibly stupid#but i've just spent such a long time worrying about my physical health and everything going on with that#(and there's still so much weirdness and uncertainty and scariness going on with my physical health)#but it just somehow never occured to me that i'm also depressed.#like. i had BAD depression as a teenager but i've been mostly mentally okay in the last 5 years. my issues have mostly been physical.#and then these last few months since all this scary health stuff started happening i've been so lethergic and unmotivated#and have been isolating myself from my friends#and struggling to find fun in any of the things that i love#i've been sad and stressed and empty but somehow. SOMEHOW. i did not consider that i was suffering from some Mental Unwellness dfkjfdjkdjkf#i just thought i was being pathetic#🫠🫠🫠#it sounds so stupid but now i realise i actually feel a bit better?#like oh. OH! depression! i hate you but i know what you are!#i'm not just a bad friend and an embarrassingly pathetic creature. there's a reason!!!!!#and there are ways to deal with it!!!#cool!!!#but also like it makes sense?! i'm incredibly sick and in a lot of pain and spending so much time getting tests and worrying#of course that's going to affect my mental health lol.#okay. anyway. yeah#tbd
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i feel weird even claiming my family used to be considered "rich" bc a lot of yall immediately jump to having summer homes, 20 yachts, and enough money to save a country
#not gonna act like we weren't well off... ofc we were but like.... we werent on THAT level nearly at all#more of a country club... goes on a lot of vacations.... has a decently sized house with a pool... kinda rich#which is still rich dont get me wrong but i promise i wasnt living like fucking. kim kardashian or whatever ok#we didnt have a fuckin walk-in-fridge or 20 unused empty rooms#i say this bc ppl end up surprised when i tell them im not anymore like 'how' well its a lot of things like the housing market crash#my parents getting a divorce my dad being the one with the job that my moms dad gave to him that was making him all the money#and my grandpa passed not long after i was born so when they split up we were just going off of whatever he left really for a while#had to move etc etc.... now im low income and rely on food stamps and ssi ✌️ but thats mostly bc im disabled so#kinda necessarily low income bc the govt only wants to pay the very bare minimum that they can.#its also- not my money! i dont get to decide what happens to it and i dont get to decide i get nice things or whatever. that all hinges#on if my mom or gma wants to.#so technically even if you wanted to consider them rich still- its not part of me atp bc its not even my money and im an adult#whos not legally dependent on them anymore. i think it only counts if its *your* actual money or if your parent is okay with dishing#out like a 1000 dollars a month like its nothing. completely unfazed by giving it to you.#its not rich if its conditional ok like... children of rich parents arent rich and i will die on this hill. why do you think so many of the#end up fucked up? not only is it bc they've had ppl basically doing everything for them their whole life so they dont know how to take#care of themselves they're also entirely dependent on the parent for money. when you feel controlled like that- even if your parent isnt#necessarily abusive about it- just the fact everything you do hinges on the approval of your parent- kinda fucks you up and makes#you feel like you're stuck being a forever child. not great for people who probably want to go out in the world and date to feel#like you cant escape being dependent on your parents
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how could it possibly happen twice
#i feel like i’m just complaining at a wall. at the end of the day i’m a privileged white mostly cis college kid living in a blue state#at least when it happened the first time i wasn’t on social media#i’ll call my mother and she’ll be crying and then i get upset because she’s upset. i don’t know. what a rotten place full of rotten people#i’ll see my extended family and have to pretend i don’t think they’re evil. because we’re already falling apart#and everyone will blame the young folks who have correct criticisms of harris and the democratic party as a whole#and we’ll have so many empty headed liberal platitudes and four more years of 2017 but so much worse
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