#It’s so much easier when you have a difficult task to complete than when there’s no task at all. i don’t have any power here.

[zebracakesarecopingmechanisms]

hey google how do I speedrun the grieving process

[bigfatbimbo]

Take a Bite

1.5k words,, Bill Cipher x Reader

summary — Bill and the reader have sex, which has proven to be very difficult seeing as he isn’t doing anything, and, of course, things are never easy with that insufferable brat.

warnings — SMUT, bill being annoying and toxic, dom!reader, sub!Bill, heavy pain kink, bill’s human form, the fat fuck not the twink

a/n — Admittedly, this fic only happened because I never see Bill sub in fanfics and i’m very interested in what the dynamic would be. You’d be like… domming with a risk of death.

“Well, slick,” Bill leaned back and gestured up and down his body, “Give it your all.”

Amusement was thick in his voice, along with bubbling giddiness. He fumbled with the seams on his pants, not out of nervousness, but as if he had forgotten how to take them off and was looking for some kind of zipper. One, admittedly, that he would not find on slacks. 

“Wow, human clothes are just as bad as the fleshbags. So needlessly complicated,” He sounded on the verge of a laughing fit, “Oh, and toots? Before you dig in, remember to leave marks. I wanna see how durable this thing is.” 

His amusement was not matched on your part. The situation invoked dull curiosity at best, in your opinion. The idea of harboring a wanted criminal, ex-overlord, god-like demon in your house challenged your idea of a good time. Having sex with that demon was even harder to swallow.

Then again, any situation with bill warranted an ungodly amount of stress. 

“Whatcha’ thinking about over there, sweet-cheeks?”

You smiled at that; of the few advantages you have, being in gravity falls for weirdmageddon proved to be one of them. You know of his powers, and with that, vague guesses on how to prevent them.

Tinfoil-lined bobbie pins were one of them. A guess, granted, but a good one at that. Really, not that complicated when you recall every alien movie you’ve ever watched. 

“Upset you can’t tell?” 

He laughed, “Upset for you, maybe. Trust me, it’d be so much easier for both of us if I could just read your thoughts. I’m already your roommate, how much closer could we ge- Ah.”

You brushed his pants crotch, and began to unbutton. For all his mightiness, the guy couldn’t work pants. “Careful, human body’s are touchy.” 

“Touchy,” He repeated, “Tell me about.” 

Getting his pants off was a task harder than it should have been, no thanks to Bill, who seemed to have taken to just lying there, occasionally flicking you, and then himself. 

When you finally peeled all of his clothes off, you warned him to brace himself, to which he ignored you. On top of that, the entire time Bill had been talking, droning on about ‘the last time he’d been in a human body.’

You wondered vaguely if he’d ever done this with someone else. In the time he’d been at your house he’d mentioned some ‘sixer’ ex-thing-ish of his. But you doubt he’d done anything with him.

As he’d mentioned, he hadn’t perfected his human form until very recently. Perfected is a strong word, he was pudgy and short, remanisent of a human peanut. And his teeth were terrible. 

Either way, you’d gotten him ready, and began your work. Laying a light finger on the tip of his dick, and running it down the base of his length, you got Bills first reaction: a short sniff.

Recovering fast, he adjusted his seat, “Yeah, tick tock, toots. This better be good.” 

It was his idea, you thought, but continued. Your fingers wrapped around the entirety of his cock and you began to stroke it. 

A sigh left Bills mouth, “Oh, this does have a kick to it. Maybe you’re not so bad, after all.”

Over the course of the next few minutes, you’d grow angrier and angrier. Although you were clearing making him feel good, he’d never shut his snide mouth for two seconds. 

“Jesus, slow down, pal— I just perfected this flesh-bag, at this rate your gonna break something—“ 

You didn’t realize how much your hand sped up. You thought for a moment, before completely stopping. Bill looked taken aback.

“Hey! what’s the—“

Without warning you grabbed his dick with full force and squeezed. He yelped, before giggling at the hurt.

This made you more mad, “God, do you ever shut up? I wish you’d lost your voice when you lost Gravity Falls.”

He stopped giggling. “I’d watch what you say, if I was you, kid.”

You threw your head back and laughed, running your hand slowly up his dick and then slamming back to the base of his cock. Finally, a reaction other than knowing bliss: anger. Weakness.

“Oh dear god, rearrange the features of my face then, Billy. See if I give a shit when you don’t have a place to live.”

His face turned red with rage, and he recoiled at the mention of your upperhand. And then, finally, at the slowing of your hand, a small, wavering whimper. 

You both caught it, and he was quick to put a hand of his mouth, “Sensitive human bodies - Hey, don’t look at me like that, that was not my fault.”

“God, you’re such a brat.”

“Oh please, what are you gonna do about it?” And he was completely serious.

Without much hesitation, you took the moment as an opportunity to abruptly sink yourself onto his dick. He sucked in a breath but you didn’t give him much time to do anything else.

“Ah- Now we’re talki—“ You slapped him hard across the face, and grabbed his cheeks with your hand, squishing them together, mockingly. Stifled laughter from Bill. 

“This is the form you spent all that time perfecting? I can barely feel anything. It’s worthless!” You sped up riding him, loosening your face to give the illusion you were bored, “You’re worthless.” 

His eyebrows arched down and his eyes widened, “I can kill you with a snap of my fingers! You think I need this sex— You think I need this hous— ah, ah—“

The unknown pleasure was getting to him, making his brain foggier than usual, and it was showing. Human senses were a key factor in your ability to keep the high-ground. Just as long as it felt good enough, he wouldn’t go back to his original form and… well. 

You wondered vaguely if you were actually going to be in mortal parole after this. But then again, the look on his face was almost euphoric, despite the anger. Thankfully, Bill was selfish, he’d probably chase the high again

You sighed, “Oh, you do need this house, Billy. Where else would you go? Everyone else in town has already forgotten about you, and your little maniac friends are no where to be seen.”

You sped up once more as your hands danced up his body, and continued, “With this whole out-of-sight-out-of-mind routine, i’m giving you something you won’t be getting anywhere else: attention.”

“You— Ah, curse this feeble human body! I’ll make your life a living hell-“ He whined, actually whined. 

Slamming yourself down on him, he cried out and then scowled. You raked your nails down his chest, deep enough to bleed, drawing out a  giggle from Bill as he felt the littlest bit of blood start to pool.

“You’re lucky this meatbag is— ah— funny enough—“ He was cut off with a gargle as a your hand sharply wrapped around his throat, and squeezed tight. 

“It’s not luck, i’m good at what I do, Billy. Not that you would know what that’s like, you pathetic shitbag,” although that insult wasn’t particularly true, you didn’t give him a chance to snap back, and instead put your other hand on his neck as well. 

You rode him with more speed than ever now. His eyes fluttered open and shut slowly, and he leaned into your hands. 

His face flushed, but a dreamy smile spread to the edges of his face as you made sure to leave bruise marks on his throat, still slamming against him. 

Although, you didn’t want to actually break him, so when his face began to turn purple, you let go. He gasped for air and let out a raspy, crazed giggle that went on for too long, and ending in a moan.

“I’m— “ Bills eyebrows furrowed, as if he was trying to decipher what the amusing thing the human body had planned next, “Somethings— somethings happening.”

His voice was broken, neck bruised, cheek red with a slap mark, eyes foggy, and chest bleeding from your nails. 

Before you dig in, remember to leave marks. I wanna see how durable this thing is.

Clearly you’d kept your end of the deal, and from what you’ve gathered it was time for the finale. You chased your own climax now as well, even though, admittedly, you hadn’t been thinking about it the whole session.

Annoying as it was that Bill still managed to make something all about him —and he definitely knew, mind reading or not— you still kept up your pace. 

“You’re close?” 

He smiled blissfully, and nodded.

What the hell. You smiled, “Good boy.”

His reaction was… startling. He leaned his head back, let out a small half-whine half-laugh, and arched off the bed. Finally, he released.

[girlgenius1111]

by your side

part 2 to responsibility how do you fix something when you don't have all the pieces? how do you heal when you aren't sure you deserve to? basically, r tries to work through the actions of her father, and the grief she feels for her mother. heavy angst but obviously still fluff. also hi thank you @wileys-russo your lil ideas saved this fic

-------

The early hours of the morning had been kind of a blur; one minute, you were cradled in Alexia’s arms in your house. The next minute, or so it felt like, you were being gently laid on the bed in the guest bedroom back at Alexia’s. Perhaps it was exhaustion, or perhaps it was the intense stress of the previous day, but almost as soon as you curled up under the covers on the guest bed, you were out cold. You didn’t remember leaving your house, or getting to Alexia’s. The state you were in worried your captain deeply, and she found herself hesitating in your doorway, terrified to leave you alone again. 

Worry was plaguing her, taking over every molecule in her body. This wasn’t a problem Ale could fix, and she hated not being able to solve things. Especially when the issue was hurting someone she cared about. It was only when she felt a gentle hand grab hers that she was brought out of her spiral. 

“Come to bed, Ale.” Olga whispered, softly tugging her girlfriend down the hall towards their room. Alexia didn’t resist very much, the allure of falling limp into her girlfriend’s arms in her bed too strong. 

“I don’t want to leave her,” she argued weakly, glancing back down the hall towards where you lay peacefully sleeping. Well, sleeping at least. 

“She’s asleep, and you need to be too. It’s been a long night for you, Ale, you have to let yourself rest.” 

“But-”

“No buts.” Olga interrupted, all but pushing her girlfriend to sit on the edge of the bed before she got a new pair of pajamas out for the blonde. Alexia was very strict about inside clothes and outside clothes, and Olga knew better than to try to get her girlfriend to sleep under the covers in clothes that had left the house. “You can’t help her if you’re exhausted.” 

Begrudgingly, Alexia nodded, taking the clothes from Olga and changing quickly. 

It was only once they were both back in bed, the lights flicked off and Alexia uncharacteristically curled up with her head on Olga’s chest, that the blonde spoke again. “I can’t fix this, Olga. I don’t know how to help her.” 

Olga hummed, dragging her nails slowly up and down her girlfriend’s back. “You don’t need to do it all by yourself. Tomorrow, you’ll talk to a few of your teammates. Ingrid and Mapi can come over and spend time with her, and you’ll bring Irene to go meet with her lawyer and her case worker. The less stress on chiquita, the better. You can tell the club what’s going on. Everyone will come up with a plan, and once there is a plan, you’ll feel better, and so will she. Take it one day at a time, Ale. That’s all you have to do.” 

It was amazing how rationally Olga could speak about such a stressful situation. It was also amazing how quickly she calmed Alexia’s anxiety. When Olga laid it all out like that, it seemed manageable. Olga was always right, and the blonde knew that this case wasn’t different. Alexia tucked her face into the brunette’s neck, leaving a soft kiss on the skin there. “One day at a time.” She repeated, whole body relaxing into her girlfriend’s. 

One day at a time. Alexia could do that. And so could you, she hoped. 

The phone calls that had to be made the next day were difficult, to say the least. Alexia had to explain, several times over, what had happened. To the club, to your lawyer, to a few of your other teammates. Alexia, though, thrived in an environment where there were things to do, tasks to complete. It was easier to approach the situation in a clinical way, like it was a checklist, than to think about the feelings of it all. 

She left you with Ingrid and Mapi, who were going to take you to get what you needed from your house, and picked up Irene on her way to the Barça offices. Your social worker, lawyer, the club's lawyer, and a few of the coaches would be meeting her there. That was the next thing for her to check off, yet she was finding it incredibly difficult to keep her feelings in check. She kept seeing flashes of your face when you arrived last night. 

In all her years of knowing you, Alexia had never seen you do anything that was even remotely unkind. You were always always kind. It was difficult for her to imagine anyone hurting you, though she occasionally saw it happen on the pitch. What was impossible, though, was trying to figure out how your father had inflicted so much pain onto you. You were so good. Alexia wasn’t sure how, after losing your mom and enduring what you had, you remained purely good. It wasn’t fair. It really wasn’t fucking fair. 

-------

“Look at you in this one!” Mapi practically shouted with glee, holding up a photo of a 5 year old you, striking a rather ridiculous pose and sticking out your hand in a peace sign. “Look at your tiny little face!” 

You rolled your eyes, shoving yet another photo album into the box. Your mom had loved to take photos, and there were countless albums filled with photos of you. You’d always liked to flip back through them, especially after losing her. The way she photographed; it was as if you could feel her love in the way she captured you.The most mundane things, captured, printed, and saved forever. Everything you did as a child excited your mom, made her beam with pride. It was easier to remember that grin she’d get, when you’d do something to make her laugh, when you looked back through these pictures. 

“Is this her?” Ingrid asked softly, holding up another photo, this time of 3 year old you, out cold in your mother’s arms as she smiled hugely at the camera. Your father must have taken that one. As always when you saw a photo of her, you felt a pang of longing in your chest, one that never eased with time. Sometimes, grief rushed through you with such power, you felt like you could double over in pain. Even now, even years later. That was something that never got better. 

“Yeah, that’s her.” 

Ingrid smiled, handing it to Mapi, who also inspected it closely. 

“She looks kind.” Ingrid noted. You thought of her warm hugs, and the funny voices she’d do when she’d read you bedtime stories. The way she always put a little note in your lunch. The silly dance she’d do to distract you when you’d need to get a shot. When you’d score a goal and look into the stand and see her there, smiling proudly. Or when you’d miss a goal, and her smile would still be there, still proudly watching you play. 

You still looked to the stands for her sometimes, on instinct. You missed her proud smile and her warm hugs and her kindness more than anything. Ingrid was right; she really did look kind, in a way that only someone purely and completely good could. 

You bit your lip, nodding rapidly. “She was. Really kind.” 

“Nena, you look like her.” Mapi said quietly, looking back and forth between you and the photo. 

People never said that. Never. They talked about how you and your father were practically twins, how you had the same nose and the same mouth as him. The same hair color, the same laugh, the same walk. You were just like him, everyone said. No one ever really compared you to your mom. You always thought it was because she was much too beautiful to be compared to. 

“No, I look like my dad.” You disagreed, shaking your head and taking the picture from the Spaniard’s outstretched hand. 

Ignoring Ingrid’s look telling her to drop it, Mapi also shook her head.

 “No, you have her eyes. Look, when she smiles? They crinkle just like yours do when you smile.” Mapi pointed at the photo, and suddenly, you couldn’t tear your eyes off it. “And that dimple on her cheek? You have that too, but only when you smile really big.” 

“Really?” You asked, refusing to look away from the photo. Mapi nodded, and Ingrid voiced her agreement, too. 

“You look kind, just like her.” 

You squinted, seeing the resemblance finally, but not seeing the kindness. “I don’t think I’m as kind as she’d like me to be.” 

“Well, from everything you’ve ever told me about her, I think she’d be very proud of you.” Mapi said definitively. You shrugged, silently disagreeing with her. There was nothing to be proud of, you thought. You turned the page, hoping for something to distract from Mapi’s statement. The photo on the next page sent a rush of different emotions through you, and you could only stare at it for a moment before you let it slip from your grip as you stood. 

“Pequeña?”

“I need some air.” You choked out, practically stumbling to the front door and wrenching it open. Ingrid and Mapi looked after you, startled at your abrupt exit. 

Picking up the photo album you’d dropped, Ingrid’s face melted into one of understanding. She handed it over to the Spaniard, before getting to her feet herself and heading out the front door after you. Mapi took in the photo, not needing to think too hard about why it had upset you. 

You couldn’t have been more than 3, asleep in your car seat in the back of the car. The photo was from the point of view of the driver, and also captured your father, asleep in almost an identical position in the passenger seat. His arm was stretched back, hand reaching to where yours extended. You were gripping onto two of his fingers with your small fist, slumped to the side a bit in order to reach him. 

It didn’t look like a particularly comfortable position for either of you, yet you were both happily dozing. Mapi took a moment, willing herself not to rip the damn photo into pieces. The same hand you’d clung onto for comfort and safety as a child had inflicted the gash and the bruises that marked your face now. How does a parent go from loving and dedicated, as your father seemed in the photos, to the man he was now? Practically a stranger to you. The family that had known you was gone, leaving nothing in its absence. 

Mapi headed out after the two of you, not sure what she should say. What she could say. She stepped onto the front porch, heart melting a bit at the way you sat, with your head resting on Ingrid’s shoulder. The Norwegian’s hand rubbed slowly up and down your back, though you inhaled shakily every few seconds, crying silently. 

It appeared you didn’t have anything to say, either. 

-------

It was unclear whether Mapi suggested ice cream because you still had time to kill before Alexia arrived home from her meeting, if she was trying to cheer you up, or if she just wanted ice cream. Regardless, you had agreed timidly, not wanting to seem too excited as you felt they’d already done enough for you today. Ingrid had pounced on the idea, though, dragging you halfway across the city to the best ice cream shop in Spain. 

You appreciated her enthusiasm, even if you were exhausted and wanted nothing more than to go ho- back to Alexia’s, and take a nap. Alexia and Olga were both still out, though, and you were quite sure no one was going to leave you home alone anytime soon. 

The whole day had broken records, you were sure, of Mapi being quieter than she’d ever been in her life. Her and Ingrid didn’t try to get you to talk, not really. They just kept you company, allowing you to stare out at the ocean from where the three of you sat eating your ice cream. Well, mostly. 

“Nena?” Mapi asked. You hummed, looking up from your ice cream. Mint chocolate chip, it had been your mom’s favorite. Or was that peanut butter chocolate chip? You couldn’t remember. “Do you want to go visit your mom? Where she’s buried, I mean?” 

You furrowed your brow, looking a bit defensive. “What would that do?” 

“You could talk to her. Or… I don’t know. It might be nice to visit. I always feel my abuela around a bit more after I visit her.” 

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes, keeping your mouth shut, but the Spaniard easily clocked the skeptical look on your face. She nudged you with her shoe, keeping her expression curious and open. “What?” 

“Mapi, my mom is dead. There is nothing to feel.” 

“You don’t think she’s hanging around?” 

“I don’t believe in God, Mapi. I don’t believe in heaven or hell, I don’t think she’s anywhere.” 

You used to believe. You’d been raised religious, kept up with it casually. Until your mom had gotten sick, and you’d laid awake night after night for months, praying to God that she’d get better. That He wouldn’t take her from you. And then she was gone and you decided that even if he was up there, you hated him. God has a plan, everyone always told you that, especially after she’d died. You didn’t care about any plan, though. Not now, not then. You wanted your mom back, divine plans be damned. 

She was gone, though. And it felt like she faded away from you with every passing day. 

You couldn’t quite hear her voice anymore. Couldn’t smell her perfume, even if you thought really hard. You couldn’t remember what her paella tasted like, or the little song she used to sing when she’d braid your hair. You weren’t sure if the red sweater or the green sweater had been her favorite. 

You felt the gap she’d left behind more than anything. You’d see something crazy happen, and think about how you wished you could tell her. Every song from her favorite artist that came out, every movie you knew she would have loved. Every goal you scored. Every game or trophy you won. You thought of her. 

You used to feel her everywhere and now you were afraid that you felt her absence more than anything. The harder you tried to hold on to your memories of her, the easier they seemed to slip away. If she was still around, why did it feel like she was only getting farther and farther away from you? 

Mapi interrupted your thought spiral. “You don’t have to believe in anything, or go visit anyone. We just want to help you, nena.” 

“I know.” You nodded shakily. A thousand other replies swirled around in your brain, but none of them made their way out of your mouth. They were too complicated to sift through, some of them completely contradictory. Your phone buzzed, much to your relief, with a text from Alexia. 

Hola, nena. How are you doing? We are almost done here, and then we can just relax the rest of the day. Maybe have a movie night? Whatever you feel like! It’s Olga’s night to cook, but everything else is your choice. See you soon. <3

Your stomach twisted with some emotion; you weren’t sure if it was good or bad. Maybe both. Hopeful, but terrified. You didn’t want to get used to being cared for. What would happen when it was taken away again? 

------

The meeting had gone well, if Alexia’s relieved mood was any indication. You weren’t sure what that meant for you, though. And you were more than a little scared to ask. What if she seemed relieved because they had decided they were going to take you away somewhere? And she wouldn’t have to deal with you anymore? 

You worried all through dinner, which had been delicious, though you hadn’t been able to stomach much. There were no signs that you were becoming less worked up, even as you sat in the corner of the couch, wrapped up in a very warm blanket. You’d chosen the movie, and Olga and Ale had bickered over who got to hold onto the remote. 

The domesticity of the situation wasn’t helping the turmoil in your head, everything compounding to become rather overwhelming. If you were to stay, where did you fit here? Alexia sat with her arm around her girlfriend, their hands linked together under the blanket they shared, you were sure. They were in love, and had a life together. Surely, you staying would just drive a wedge between them? And that was only if Alexia even wanted you to stay. 

Both her and Olga seemed to pick up on your increased anxiety, though, finally stepping in after you’d gnawed on all of your nails, and had just pulled so hard at one of your cuticles, it began to bleed. Alexia had paused the movie you’d chosen, disappearing to find a bandage, while her girlfriend turned to face you. 

“Hey, pequeña? Are you feeling anxious?” Olga asked gently, fighting back a sad frown at how stricken you looked to be asked so outwardly about your feelings. Your captain returned just in time to hear your shaky response. 

“A little.” You admitted. 

“Is there anything we can do to make you feel better?” Alexia wondered, insisting on wrapping the adhesive bandage onto your finger herself, though you were more than capable. 

You hesitated, chewing on your lip. “The meeting today… Am I staying here? Or being sent somewhere else?” Alexia’s head whipped up to look at you, which wasn’t an obvious good sign or bad sign. 

For Alexia, there was never any question. You were staying with her, she’d move heaven and earth to make it happen if she had to. The blonde hadn’t thought to tell you that you were staying with her, because it had never been up for debate. Clearly, though, you were still quite unsure that your captain wanted you around. 

You took her silence in a different way, though, now convinced you would be leaving, and began scrambling to assure her that it was okay. You understood. “I get it, Ale, you don’t need me around here, I don’t blame you at all…” 

Alexia found her voice finally, looking frantically at her girlfriend. “No! No, nena, you are staying here. You are staying here with us, for as long as you want to. I wouldn’t have you go anywhere else.” 

Your captain studied you, feeling a wave of sadness at the expression of shock on your face.

 “You want me to stay here?” You asked quietly, almost disbelieving. “Both of you?” 

“Yes.” Alexia promised. You fixed your attention on Olga, doubtfully gazing at her. Ale was your captain; but Olga owed you nothing. She just smiled gently at you, though, reaching out to squeeze your hand. 

“I want you here too, nena. I promise.” 

A beat passed, before you swallowed thickly and nodded. “Thank you.” You were barely able to keep your voice from breaking, but Alexia pulled you into her all the same. 

“Don’t thank us. Just believe us.” 

Nodding again, you laid your head on her shoulder, trying to ignore the tears falling from your eyes. What a strange feeling it was, to be loved. You’d forgotten. 

------

“I don’t want to do this.” You said quietly, not moving to undo your seatbelt even as Alexia turned the car off. “Please don’t make me.” 

Your captain didn’t want to make you do anything. She would have been content to let you stay curled up on her couch, where you obviously felt relatively safe. That’s all she wanted; for you to feel safe. There was no way to avoid what came with the legal process, though, and this was a required step. 

 A familiar pained expression washed over Alexia’s face. “I know. I’m sorry. We have to do this.”

The we Alexia used made you feel a bit weird. It felt mostly like a good thing; like you weren’t alone. At the same time, it was also kind of scary. There was a lack of control that came along with relying on another person, and this was not something you were used to. You only grew paler as you and Alexia exited the car. She kept a guiding hand on your shoulder, and you weren’t convinced she didn't think you were about to bolt. 

“What if… what if I just talk to you, instead?” You asked, coming to a complete stop in the middle of the parking lot. With more patience than you thought you deserved Alexia turned back towards you, a sympathetic expression on her face. “No therapist, just you.” 

Your captain grabbed your hand, but didn’t tug you any closer to the building. “You can always talk to me pequeña. Always. I know you really don't want to do this, but your social worker is requiring it, as is your lawyer. It sucks, I know it sucks. You just have to do your best and tell her as much as you can. And if it’s awful, we’ll find someone else.” 

“If I don’t like her, I don’t have to come back?”

“No. I promise.” 

“And you’ll stay in the waiting room?” You hated being so openly vulnerable, but the care that your captain was showing you was making it increasingly difficult to remain stoic. 

“Of course. You aren’t doing this alone, nena. Any of it.” 

As you got in the elevator, and Ale pushed the button for the therapist office’s floor, you were struck with the thought that she’d so easily calmed your fears and anxieties. Your captain had always been a comforting individual, but when you showed up on her doorstep a few days ago, you never could have expected how easily she’d taken you in. It was like second nature to her, making sure you were okay. 

She made taking care of you seem… easy. You’d thought it to be a hard task for a long time. It was a bit astounding, how quickly Ale had you questioning things you’d been believing for years. 

Alexia had picked the therapist, you remembered. She’d done the research and found this woman, and for some reason, that made it easier for you to walk into the office and shake the therapist, Elia’s, hand. 

It was even easier when Alexia patted you on the cheek and sent you a reassuring smile. “I’ll be right out here if you need me, okay?” 

With a nod, you followed the therapist into the room, feeling significantly less anxiety than you’d been feeling a few minutes ago. Odd. 

------- 

“Ms. Putellas?” Elia peeked her head out of the room, too professional to seem flustered, yet still clearly concerned with something. 

The blonde looked up from her phone, knowing very well that it had not been even close to the full hour you were supposed to be in there for. “Yes?” 

“Can you join us for a bit? We’re feeling a bit upset, and I think she needs…” Elia trailed off as Alexia lurched to her feet and practically ran into the room. You were crying into your hands, and your captain briefly thought that you’d been reduced to tears an unfair amount of times in the past few days. 

“Hey, hey, I’m here.” Alexia soothed, taking a seat on the couch next to you and carefully pulling you into her arms. “It’s okay, I've got you.” 

You had been trying to force your tears to stop, still not fully comfortable with being so vulnerable in front of Alexia, and this mostly strange woman sitting across from you. Your captain had such a calming aura about her, and you felt inexplicably better as soon as she took a seat next to you. Alexia was safe. 

“I-I…” It was a struggle to get any words out and you weren’t really sure what you were trying to say.

“Just give yourself a minute, focus on breathing.” Alexia coached, exaggerating her own breathing as you tried to match her. 

Your therapist watched with a completely impassive face as you clung to the blonde. Her job was to determine your mental wellbeing, as well as figure out if the placement you were in at the moment was the right one. She was quite sure she had her answers, only 20 minutes into the session. You were most definitely not okay. But you were probably in the right place. 

It was obvious to her that Alexia was someone you trusted. Someone you felt safe with. You’d tried to just get everything out in the open, thinking if you rushed through the whole story it wouldn’t hurt as much. You had been wrong; you were barely halfway through what you needed to say before you were bursting into tears and quietly asking for Alexia. It wasn’t very common for someone who had endured what you had to so easily trust someone, even outside of the initial situation. But she could see why you trusted Alexia. 

The blonde held you protectively, shushing you gently as you cried. All her attention was on you as she tried to calm you down. Not on Elia, not on the way the therapist was taking copious notes. Alexia wasn’t putting on any kind of performance to get to keep you. Her concern was genuinely only with your wellbeing in that moment. 

After a few minutes, Alexia leaned you back and handed you your water bottle, encouraging you to take a few sips. Once you’d done that, you used your shirt to wipe your eyes, and turned towards the therapist; though you didn’t meet her gaze. 

“Sorry. I thought I could get through that, I didn't mean to freak out.” 

“Don’t apologize.” Alexia and Elia said at the same time. You looked between them, caught between amusement and annoyance that they were suddenly ganging up on you. 

“You said something to me that I’d like to go back to, if that’s alright.” Elia said. You nodded your agreement, your hand gripping onto Alexia’s as if you were afraid the therapist was going to make her leave. She didn’t do any such thing, and Alexia gave your hand a comforting squeeze.

 “You said the way your father acts is your fault.” Next to you, your captain inhaled sharply. “Can you explain to me why you think that?” 

You shrugged, suddenly looking very closed off. Elia wasn’t sure if the question had been too much, or if you were too embarrassed to admit the truth in front of Alexia. The rest of the session passed quickly, with you giving very short answers, clearly ready to be done for the day. 

She let you go early, though with homework; to try to figure out why you are so reluctant to blame your father for his behavior, and so willing to blame yourself. There was no answer, you thought to yourself. That was just how things were. 

-------

It was after your first training session with the team that you brought up your idea. It had been a good day; though everyone seemed to go out of their way to give you a hug or make you laugh, you didn’t mind it. It was as good of a day as you’d had in a while, and you weren’t quite sure why you were so set on ruining it. Your captain could very obviously tell that there was something on your mind; that something had been for a few days. 

You were both eating a snack in the kitchen when you finally let her in, and asked what you’d been thinking about asking for a while now. 

“Ale?” 

“Hmm?” The blonde looked up at you from the banana she was peeling, giving you a very soft and very encouraging smile. It wasn’t like you to start a conversation that seemed serious; normally, she was the one prompting you. 

“I… I want to visit my dad. In jail.” You rushed through the sentence, as if Alexia wouldn’t understand but still agree if you spoke fast enough. No luck, though, as Alexia looked at you in surprise. This was clearly not what she had been expecting. 

“No, nena, I think that is a really bad idea.” She said firmly. 

“I wasn’t asking for permission.” You said without thinking. After a beat, your face flushed red and you tensed with what could only be described as fear. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that,” 

Slightly puzzled by your panic, she put her snack down and walked around the counter to stand next to you. Cautiously, she put a hand on your back, feeling you relax at her touch. 

Now that she thought about it, Alexia had never once seen you advocate for yourself. Never. And from the way you were shrinking under her gaze, you clearly thought you weren’t allowed to disagree with her, or ask for what you needed. She wondered how long it had been since you’d felt safe enough to just… exist. Live. Do things without worrying and worrying about the consequences of the tone of your voice or the things you said. Alexia knew she had to tread carefully; because while she was sure going to visit your dad would not end well for you… she didn’t want to control you. 

“You don’t need my permission.” Alexia said gently. “I am not your keeper; you are old enough to make your own decisions, especially about things like this. I just really don’t think it is a good idea. I won’t stop you, nena, but I do not think you should do it.”

You contemplated, looking like you were trying to decide if this was some kind of trick or not. Would she really not be mad if you went against what she wanted? You didn’t want to risk what little peace you’d found in the past week. Nothing was worth that. You were just about to agree with her, drop the idea entirely, when she asked a follow up question, clearly trying to understand your motives. 

“Can I ask why you want to see him?” 

You worried your lip between your teeth, not entirely sure you knew why yourself. You just… had to see him. If there was a chance for you to get your father back, you’d take it. “If he says sorry…” 

“You’ll forgive him?” Alexia tried and failed to keep the disgust out of her voice and you frowned, withdrawing further into yourself. All your captain got was a shrug in response. He’d never said it before, and there was no reason for you to think he would now, but still. You clung to that hope; it was all you had left of your family. And you were so sure that your mother wouldn’t want you to give up on him so easily. 

“He’s my dad, Ale.” You mumbled, shrugging out from under her hand and wrapping your arms around yourself. Alexia noticed you do that when you were anxious, or upset; like you were trying to self soothe. She hated it. You didn’t need to do that yourself anymore, she was here, ready and willing to give you all the hugs you could ever need. You looked downright afraid of her in that moment, though, and the blonde had to school her features and take a deep breath before she said anything. 

Alexia knew that if she said she didn’t want you to again, you wouldn’t go. Your captain had spent the last week analyzing all of your behavior, talking to your therapist, talking to your teammates, talking to her mother and her girlfriend. Anyone that could give her some insight into how to best help you. She felt like she understood you, on some level, now. Much more than she had before, when you’d just been her little quiet teammate, who did her best to stay in the shadows. There was a complexity to you that she’d missed entirely, but now that she saw it, she realized how desperately you craved her approval. You’d always been closer to her than anyone else, but now you were practically attached at the hip to her. Not that she minded; whatever made you feel safe. 

So Alexia knew that your paramount worry was what she thought. And no matter how many times she tried to convince you that you were allowed to make this decision for yourself, she knew you wouldn’t go against what she wanted. She didn’t need to ask if you were sure, either; you wouldn't have brought it up to her if you weren’t. 

With a sigh, she relented. “If that's what you want to do, then that’s what we’ll do. I can take you later today?”  

Your whole body deflated with relief, and you were diving forward to hug her tightly before you could stop yourself. “Thank you.” You mumbled the words into her shoulder, beyond grateful for her understanding. 

She hugged you back, tightly, the now familiar scent of her perfume overwhelming your senses. It didn’t matter how many times she offered you a hug or a kiss on the forehead or a hand to hold; you were pretty sure you’d always be surprised. It was apparent to her that you were understandably touch starved, but you still seemed a little confused why you sunk into her hugs, and were beginning to do the same with Olga’s. 

“Of course, pequeña.” Alexia replied, hoping with all of her being that this wouldn’t prove to be a mistake. She had a sinking feeling it would be. 

------

His face appeared every time you closed your eyes. More than his empty words, and the careless look in his eyes as he looked at you through the glass. He hadn’t cared that you visited, hadn’t apologized. He’d blamed you for provoking him, somehow. And for what happened after. 

And still, his appearance was burned into your mind. You had a bruise across your forehead, and he had a matching one. You’d gotten the stitches out of your cheek the day before, and now he had some in his cheek. 

You’d look even more alike, now, with matching scars on your face. 

It was like as you healed, and moved on, you transferred your pain to him. Like there was no growth without forgetting. You were leaving him behind buried in grief. The people that loved you were desperately trying to pull you out, and suddenly, you felt like digging your heels in and going limp. Because he was your dad and if he was hurting, shouldn’t you be hurting too? Just as much?  Why were you allowed to be happy when he wasn’t able to?

Memories ran through your mind, on repeat. His smile when you scored a goal on him for the first time. His grimace as he saw you walk through the door of your house. His hand on yours, teaching you how to hold a baseball. His hands on you, pushing and pushing; like you were a physical manifestation of his pain, and he wanted it away from him at all costs. A whispered I love you as he and your mom put you to bed after a late night. Not a word uttered while you sobbed, her casket being lowered into the ground.  

Was he still in there somewhere? Buried under all the hurt and the pain and the grief, did he still love you? He had to. If he didn’t, you had only yourself to blame. For leaving the house that night and going to Alexia’s. For talking to the police. For pressing charges. 

The very small logical part of you knew this wasn’t true, but the overwhelming majority of your brain couldn’t comprehend that you weren’t to blame, that he was. How could you hate someone and love someone at the same time? You were sure you did. You loved him and you hated him. You wanted to never see him again, and you wanted to go back home with him, even if nothing was different. 

After everything, you still loved him. How could he not love you? How could he not care, like he’d said was the case inside that jail, with a swollen face and a broken look in his eyes. 

You moved like a zombie as you exited the building, and Alexia was quick to jump out of the car and run to you. You were practically in a catatonic state as she reached you, face completely blank. She placed both her hands on your cheeks, worry only growing when you didn’t react other than to flicker your eyes up at her, and then look away.

“Nena?” 

No response. 

“Sweetheart, are you okay?” 

Still, nothing. 

Alexia was at a complete loss; you continued to stare blankly just over her shoulder. It felt like you were underwater, your captain’s words mostly unintelligible. A thousand thoughts ran through your head, but really only one broke through. Alexia was talking to you, Alexia was here. You lurched towards the safety that she brought, practically falling into her arms. 

“Okay, okay, okay,” Alexia said, wrapping her arms around you just in time before you fell crumpled to the ground. “You’re alright, you’re safe. He’s locked up in there, and you’re out here with me.”

As your captain led you to the car, you wondered if a part of you wasn’t locked up there with him. If you’d ever be able to pry that piece away, and give it back to yourself. 

------

“I’m gonna go check on her.” Alexia burst out, attempting to rise to her feet. A hand grabbed her arm, yanking her back down onto the sofa. 

“No, Ale.” Olga sighed. 

With a dramatic sigh, Alexia flopped onto her side, having been fighting this battle for at least two hours. As soon as you’d both returned home from your visit, still without having said a single word, you disappeared up to the guest room. The blonde had wanted to go after you immediately, but Olga had stopped her, encouraging her to give you time to process whatever had happened on your own. Alexa hadn’t wanted to do that then, and now it had been two hours, and she still hadn’t seen you. 

“But-”

“No. Give her time.” 

“I’ve given her time, amor. Two whole hours!” 

“She must be exhausted, Alexia. Imagine how mentally tiring this all has to be for her. You have to let her work some of this out herself. She can’t decide how she feels if you’re hovering over her asking her the same questions she is asking herself.” As always, everything the brunette was saying made sense, though it still didn’t seem to make the midfielder feel any better. 

“What if she needs a hug?” Alexia mumbled, pulling at a loose thread on the couch, glaring at her girlfriend when she slapped the blonde’s hand away from it. 

“Maybe you need a hug.” Olga replied, shifting her laptop off her legs, and opening her arms for Alexia. The blonde was only able to hold out for a few seconds, her frown quickly melting away as she sank into the smaller girl’s embrace. One long hug later, Alexia evidently felt better, sliding off her girlfriend’s lap so she could resume her work. The captain reached for her phone, smiling triumphantly to herself when she read the text she’d received. 

“Mapi says I should go in there!” 

Olga didn’t look up from her computer. “And Ingrid? What does Ingrid say?” 

Alexia’s face fell, and she read back through the thread. “To give her time.” She sighed, throwing her phone back onto the couch and ignoring the smirk on her girlfriend’s face. Another entire hour passed before you emerged from your room, shuffling down the stairs, wrapped in one of your mother’s hoodies. Alexia froze, like you were a wild animal she was going to scare off, while Olga remained completely normal, smiling at you and patting the couch in between the two of them. 

“Hola, nena. Are you hungry?” 

You shrugged, pulling your knees to your chest and attempting to make yourself as small as possible. Alexia continued to stare at her, and if you’d been feeling more yourself, you absolutely would have made fun of her for it. You could barely look at her, feeling horrible that you hadn’t listened to her advice in the first place. At the same time, you knew that there was no part of you that would have been able to move on without the clarity you received today. If you could even call it clarity, if you could even consider moving on. 

Sensing that the two of you needed to talk, Olga rose to her feet, shutting her laptop, and affectionately ruffling your hair. “I’ll go get us some pizza for dinner, yes?” 

You both agreed, although you did so somewhat begrudgingly. There was a conversation incoming, you knew, and it seemed as though it would include some variation of I told you so.

You wanted to avoid that, and for some reason, decided the best way to accomplish this goal was to just��� start talking. As soon as the door was shut behind Olga, you were talking, feeling Alexia watching you carefully. 

“He didn’t say sorry. He wasn’t even really that mad, he was just so… indifferent to me. He told me it was my fault, and I knew he’d say that. I don’t-. I think I would be mad at him if… if they hadn’t…” 

“If they hadn’t what, nena?” Alexia wondered. Your face had a glazed over look to it, like you weren’t full there with her, but you responded nonetheless. 

“They found out he was in for ‘hitting his kid’, he said. And they beat him for it. His face was all messed up, one of his eyes was barely open. He looked so defeated, Ale, and it’s all my fault.” 

Alexia was immediately shaking her head. “No. He made his own decisions, and he is facing the consequences of them now. None of that is your fault. That’s what happens to men in prison that hit their kids.” 

There was a note of… satisfaction in Alexia’s voice. Like justice had been done. 

“He didn’t hit me.” You disagreed weakly. 

“No, he broke down your bedroom door and threw a bottle of vodka at your face. He hurt you. That isn’t okay.” 

“I know it’s not okay, I know that. But he’s grieving, Ale. He’s hurting too. He misses my mom just like I do, it’s not his fault.” It was as if you were pleading with Alexia to agree with you. To let him off the hook, or maybe… maybe you were pleading with her to stand her ground. And convince you of what you knew was right. 

Alexia remained firm, not raising her voice even as you did so. “That is no excuse to hurt you. You have been grieving, too, and-”

“I pushed him once,” you cried, tears suddenly flooding down your face. “I pushed him and he pushed me back but I started it. It’s all my fault, all of this is all my fault.” You dropped your forehead onto your knees, sniffling and gasping for air as you tried to get a hold on yourself. You felt the presence of Alexia next to you, carefully rubbing her hand up and down your back. 

“He is an adult, and you are a kid. You didn’t deserve any of this, pequeña. You don’t deserve to be his punching bag just because he is hurting. You are hurting, too, and he should be taking care of you.”

Her voice was soft in your ear, and you wanted to believe her. So badly. “He’s my dad,” you whimpered, lifting your head just enough for the blonde to see your tearstained face, the fresh scar on your cheek. Every day she had to look at it, she knew she’d never forgive him for what he’d done. 

“I know.” 

“I just want…I want everything to go back to how it was, before she got sick and before he stopped loving me. I want to have a parent again. It’s not fair. ” 

“No, cariño, it isn’t fair, not at all.” 

It didn’t quite seem like you were hearing Alexia, but she certainly heard the next words out of your mouth. 

“I’m all alone,” you choked out. More than anything in the world, you didn’t want to be alone. Even if all you had was your father… at least you had him. At least you had someone. It was ridiculous and completely nonsensical, but you think you would have forgiven him for anything, found a way to blame yourself, if it meant you got to keep the shattered pieces of the family you once had. The pieces cut your hands to shreds, but you held onto them nonetheless, thinking you had no other option. That it was that, or nothing at all. 

Hands guided your face up further, and you were surprised to see a fierce look on Alexia’s face. “You are not alone. You will never be alone. Mapi, Ingrid, Irene, Frido, everyone would be there in a heartbeat for you, if you needed them. No one on this team would ever let you be alone.” 

Alexia spoke carefully, trying to gauge whether the words were sinking in or not. 

“And pequeña, I would never, ever let you be alone. I’ve got you, now. You are important to me, I care about you, and you are not alone. I know you feel like you are, but you aren’t, you absolutely aren’t. I am here now, nena, and I always will be. For as long as you need me, I'll be right here.” She gripped your hand in hers, her rather impassioned speech echoing in your ears. 

Maybe, you thought, you could put yourself back together. With your teammates help, with Alexia’s help, it could be accomplished. 

You didn't think he could. With your help or without it, he was who he was. And as much as you wanted to, you couldn’t change that. If he wanted to stay in the grief, live in the past, there was nothing you could do to drag him to peace against his will. Maybe he didn’t deserve peace, or happiness. 

You weren’t sure that you did, either, but that was another fight, for another day. As Alexia hugged you tightly, as Olga entered through the front door and joined you both on the couch, you didn’t feel lonely for the first time in what felt like forever. Whatever was to come, you weren’t alone in it. You didn’t believe that entirely, yet, but you got the sense that you would, one day. You got the sense that there was someone out there that wouldn’t rest peacefully until you were happy, and safe, and loved. 

As suddenly as she had gone, you felt like she was back. Standing next to you in court as you testified against your father. Watching from the stands as you played some of the best football of your life. 

Her hand on your shoulder as you moved out of Alexia’s spare room, a year later. A different person than the one that had shown up on her porch, bloody and entirely broken. You felt her right all over, all the time. But especially as you hung her picture up on the wall in your new apartment. The family photos wall, you’d decided. 

Your mom wasn’t alone up there. She was surrounded by photos of you and your teammates. Of you laughing and holding trophies and looking like the energetic, happy child she’d known. Alexia helped you hang all the pictures up, and you had an overwhelming sense that your mother, wherever she was, approved of your new family. Maybe, she’d even sent them to you, knowing her girl needed all the love in the world. If there was anything you were sure about, it was that you were loved. 

And what a feeling that was. 

-------

don't really have to much to say here. let me know what you think! thanks for reading 🫶🏻🥰

[literaryvein-reblogs]

10 Study Tips

Work out why you procrastinate

Procrastination, the act of avoiding studying or carrying out a task can have many different roots causes, including:

You don’t understand the work

The topic is boring

You’re waiting for a time when you feel more motivated

The task is so overwhelming you don’t know where to start

And many more.

The first step in being able to work out how to stop procrastinating is to work out what it is that’s making you feel that way.

Spend some time reflecting on what it is that makes you procrastinate, then you will be able to easier identify which of our following study tips will help you the most.

Chop the material into chunks

If you’ve got a huge pile of work to do and you’re not sure how to begin, you should start by ‘chunking’ it – break down each task into small chunks.

For example, if you want to revise the GCSE Chemistry topic ‘chemical changes,’ try breaking the module down into smaller sub-topics such as ‘reactions of metals,’ ‘what are acids?’ ‘what are alkalis?’ etc. Then, assign yourself a certain number of those chunks each day which you will cover.

Instead of having one large overwhelming topic, you will have a series of smaller, more manageable chunks to work through.

Create a study timetable

If you’re always waiting for that perfect time to arrive for you to begin your work, then creating a study timetable could be the key to getting you motivated.

By nature, we love routine.

And once you’ve got yourself into a consistent and manageable study timetable, you’ll find it much easier to slide into study mode each time you come to sit down and do some work.

The key to making a good timetable is to make sure it’s manageable; give yourself enough breaks and down-time to relax each day and switch off from work.

Research suggests that around 50 minutes of studying with a 15 minute break is the optimum time for productivity.

So try creating a timetable that fits in around this, and one that fits in around your other commitments such as school, extracurricular activities and socialising.

Reward yourself

As part of your timetable, you should schedule time for rewards.

Whenever you complete one or two chunks of information, you should reward yourself with a short period of relaxation, such as going for a short walk or spending five minutes on your phone.

If you’re actively rewarding yourself at the end of each topic, you’re more likely to stick to your routine and remain motivated.

Work out why you want to achieve high grades

Another great way of finding study motivation is to work out why it is that you want to study in the first place.

Perhaps you want to try and get into a good university? Or have a great career? Maybe you want to know that you’ve given it your best shot? Or make your parents proud? Whatever it is, write down your own list of reasons and stick them next to your study space.

Whenever you’re feeling unmotivated, read through the list and remember why it is you’re there in the first place.

Study with peers/friends

Lots of students find it more motivating to study in a group, either with other classmates or their friends.

When you study as a group, you’ll have the chance to explain bites of information to one another and test your knowledge, as well as ask for more information around difficult topics or concepts from peers who have a better understanding.

Of course, you need a group of focused and disciplined students to ensure the group study works effectively. Though you may want to work with them, sometimes studying with friends can be more of a hindrance than a help.

So always bear this in mind when thinking about organising a group study session.

Active learning

Don’t expect to sit and read through a piece of work and have a full understanding of it. That’s passive learning, and it probably isn’t at all effective for most students.

Research has shown that active learning is the most effective way in being able to stack and store new information in our brain.

But what is active learning?

Active learning is when we are cognitively engaged in learning new information, trying to make sense and construct knowledge around it which relates to what we already know.

Once we have an association to something we already understand, we are more likely to absorb the information.

Ways you can actively learn:

Discuss the new topic with your peers or friends

Take notes on new information

Annotate the book/slides

Create a presentation on the topic and try to teach it to someone

Healthy lifestyle

It’s a well known fact that eating the right foods and doing regular exercise will help you to study effectively and stay motivated.

Aerobic activity sends oxygen and blood to the brain, while feeding your body the right foods will ensure you’re getting the right nutrients.

All of this contributes to maintaining a healthy lifestyle and optimum brain performance.

Perfect for acing your study time.

Get rid of distractions

It may seem obvious, but it’s amazing how many times you’ll find yourself scrolling through your phone or replying to a text when you should be studying.

Write a list of all the things that you find yourself distracted by when studying and then work out how to eliminate them.

For example, if your phone distracts you, put it on flight mode, or try downloading the app Forest, which grows a tree during the time that you don’t open your smartphone. If you open it, the tree dies and you have to start all over again.

Expect to have bad days

It’s very unlikely that you’re going to stay focused and be able to study consistently without ever finding yourself procrastinating.

Sometimes you’re just not in the mood – either you’re having a bad day or you’re just simply burnt out. It’s normal to expect to have these days, and you should never get angry with yourself for having them.

Instead, take a break, do something you enjoy and take a moment.

You can always move your schedule around and try and go back to studying later that day, and it’s likely to be far more productive and effective than if you were to sit and force yourself to do it.

Source ⚜ More: Writing Notes & References

[polarisjisung]

LOVE ON THE COURT | 04 SORRY, KYS

SYNOPSIS | every college student has their struggles, but raising her younger brother has Y/N top of the list, struggling her way through college whilst balancing her academics and basketball captaincy is difficult no doubt and with Jaemin, her ex best friend and captain of the guys basketball team, and his growing one sided hatred towards her, it doesn't seem to be getting any easier

WARNINGS | swearing, kys/kms jokes, sexual innuendos, jaemin is still a bitch but that will change soon (eventually), hello kitty isn't a fucking cat bruh what </3

As soon as he enters the library, his eyes fall on you, sweet smile on your lips as you talk to one of the juniors, jaemin feels his stomach flip, it always had at the sight of you, memories resurfacing in his mind as he hopes you haven't caught sight of him yet— you haven't luckily

He feels sick, scared to hear your voice and relive everything he had before, a throbbing in his head taking over as he finally decides to walk over

"Hey" you whisper, the pink haired boy opposite you stood with this unreadable expression across his face, sheer hatred you assume, making no effort to respond to you

He's at least 45 minutes late, but you don't even seem the slightest bit bothered, and even if you are you certainly don't bring it up— jaemin grinds his teeth against each other

Finding a table isn't hard given most people are in class, though you didn't make much effort to find one either, following jaemin to one in the far end of the library by the window. he takes a seat and one end, and you take one on the opposite

You wait a moment for him to speak, not meeting his eyes as you lay your things down on the table

"i planned out the rest of the project" he says, shoving a piece of paper your way, printed with instructions and sources he seemed to have made himself, clearly detailing everything you need to do

"Thanks" you nod, getting to work. admittedly you'd have preferred a little more discussion before diving straight into working, but you weren't about to complain when jaemin'a hostility had been so contained, today at least

The two of you, as expected, don't speak about anything other than the task at hand, contrast to your study sessions before, when you'd barely be able to keep concentration, eventually and every time without fail, getting kicked out of your high school library for being so utterly disruptive

Now, there was a pin drop silence between you.

You can hear the whispers around you, the boy's dislike for you was common knowledge, so to see you sat opposite one another with your textbooks spread out in front of you, surprisingly not at each others throats, was nothing short of a shock

"What if, instead of doing just an essay, we had a presentation to go along with it" you suggest, the gears spinning in your mind, jaemin stops for a moment, dark eyes falling onto your hopeful ones

"No"

You nod, you're honestly too scared of messing up on the project and completely flunking than you are insistent on getting a high grade, so you continue typing, and jaemin does the same

"Do you think that we co-" you regret opening your mouth a second time the minute jaemin looks up at you, annoyed

"Shut up" he cuts you off, glaring at you with narrowed eyes "your voice is so fucking annoying"

You sigh, running a hand through your hair and nodding to yourself— there's no reason for you to argue with him, you know it won't get you anywhere.

So you gulp down the offence and shake your head, frowned lips returning to form a smile

Taking a second to rummage through your bag, as quietly as you can without the librarian shooting a sharp glare your way, you pull out your headphones, plugging them in your ears and pressing play

It's the easiest way to maintain concentration, and it drowns out the way too loud, way to often huffs and puffs jaemin let's out at the sight of you

It's not exactly easy, you feel the table rock slightly as jaemin taps his feet against the ground, a habit you remember well at times he was trying to concentrate. Though he seems lost in his world of books, it breaks your concentration in seconds, your eyes on him despite your head being hung low, you wonder when he had changed so much. You noticed the small things like how his moles had shifted slightly or how his teeth were straighter and he had started parting his hair just slightly to the left of where he used to before. The biggest change by far however is something that's not visible to the eye.

It makes you wonder how you could go from best friends to nothing so quickly. And the question sprouts in your mind, the one you had desperately tried to avoid, as you stare up at him you can't help but wonder what you had done to make him hate you so damn much.

You're lucky jaemin doesn't catch your eyes on him— in fact he doesn't take notice of the majority of your actions, until the dragging of your chair against the ground echoes through the library, your hurried footsteps towards the door causing his head to turn— he hated you

It didn't make sense how after everything you did for others, like now, as you helped the librarian carry in a large box of donated books, you had done all those things to him

He doesn't dare let his gaze linger, getting back to work before you return to your seat,

you however, don't seem as bothered about being caught with your eyes on him, admiring his pink hair with that half smile on your lips, with no shame

"Pink suits you" you say, and all jaemin does is roll his eyes, although he doesn't find the words in him to dispute— it was a lot easier to despise you from a distance

He stays silent, as he had practically all the way through this small meeting of yours, only offering curt nods in place of agreement until now, not that he had been agreeing all that much anyways

"I'm sorry about hitting you with the ball yesterday" he says just as you're about to get up, "and for being late" his tone is flat and his body language telling of his disingenuous attitude. You nod regardless

"Dont sweat it" you beam, sincerity dripping from your tone as you exit the library before him, and he swear he hates you even more

prev | masterlist | next

TAGLIST (open): @jenobubbles @justalildumpling @nanawrlds @222brainrot @sungookie @pepperedthot @jiawji @dinonuguaegi @haechansbbg @90s-belladonna @bath1lda @jeongintwt @daegalfangirl @ahnneyong @jammingjaem @paper-boats-rose @iraa567 @errrrrat @kyusqult @suzayaaa @jising-jisang-jisung @soonyoonswoo @nctrawberries @wonbin-truther @sunghoonsgfreal @lotties-readings @seunghancore @swee7dream @girlz4jaem @beomgyusonlywife @nanaxwi @nosungluv @wonwootakemyheart @tommina @sinisxtea @20sdiary @otblous @p-d1ddy @lostinneocity @soobs-things @odxrilove @buns-inhiding @busy-daydreaming02 @starfilledgaze @papichulomacy @grassbutneo @iwilleatyourgod @jeeluv @soheendo

[doyoulikethissong-poll]

Commonly asked questions

How do I submit songs? Submissions are currently closed. When it opens up again, I'll post a message here stating rules and which specific info I require. If you don't supply that info along with the song, your message will be deleted.

I submitted a song when we were allowed. When will it appear? :) There's waaay over two thousand songs in my askbox. 😅 And I'm very slow at posting submitted songs because it takes an oddly more amount of time and energy than you'd think, that's why it's easier for me to go with the songs I already have. Please have a bit more patience, hopefully it'll be posted soon enough! 💖

I don't like the genres posted recently. 🤷‍♀️ I mean, you can tell me what genres there's a lack of and I'll try put more effort into adding more of them.

I don't like the poll options. 🤷‍♀️

Will there be an "Indifferent" option? No. People bitched and very rudely demanded it when the blog was new and it left a very sour taste. Also we're 250+ songs in, it's kinda meh to add it now, but I definitely understand why you want it because some songs are really hard to define if you feel anything at all about them. (also you know people would just click indifferent to see the results instead of listening to the song lol) If I were to ever add more options, it would be love/hate.

How do I vote on a song if I feel indifferent about it? Indifferent = don't like it ig. 🤷‍♀️ Remember, I'm not asking you if you LOVE!!!!!! the song, or if you want to buy it. Liking can be as good as only a "meh, it's ok / decent enough to run in the background". Disliking can be being indifferent instead of outright hating it, when it's so neutral to you that it doesn't give you any positive feelings. It is only a minute long clip that I'm asking you to form an opinion about after all; you can change your mind either way when you hear the full version. Sometimes songs have to grow on you!

How do you pick the songs used in the polls? Mostly like this:

I have a huge mp3 hoarding archive so the submitted songs are easier for me to pick if they're already in my possession. 😅 Songs that aren't in my collection (tagged as #new to admin :D lol. sometimes i search out songs specifically for the poll that are tagged this as well) requires a bit more effort to download/listen to/edit but i have discovered a couple of great new gems so don't think i don't appreciate them!

How do I search for a specific artist/song that you've posted? All artists are tagged a day or so after the song reveal. Don't forget to use the hashtag symbol when searching or tumblr will give you all sorts of odd results!!!! (or none at all, lol) Please also remember that tumblr finds simple easy tasks extremely difficult, so only search for an artist with the easiest type of spelling, like #beyonce instead of #beyoncé. All artists and songs are added to the Complete Song List once their showdown poll is finished, for a quick search of what's been posted.

The audio quality is too poor for my taste!! 😡 sad </3

This is just for you. 💖

Why are all the songs of such vast variating quality? ....i mean, you didn't think I've bought all the tens of thousands of songs in my music library, did you...? Pirating songs gives you variations of quality, hell even my own cd rips have variations. It's easier to get better quality files now than it was back in the days, kiddos, so yeah some songs in the archives needs to be updated with new files. I have some very ancient mp3's that are in really low sound, that i've instead downloaded newer versions of in better quality for the polls but y'all still give me shit about it because the artist have remastered the track to unrecognition or whatever so there's just no pleasing some people i guess lmao. 😂

Do you like all the songs you've posted? No, lol. All the songs that are in my archive are songs I've at least liked enough once upon a time to save them, even if I'm not actively listening to them much anymore. Everything tagged as #new to admin :D are new songs to me that I may or may not like, regardless if they're submitted or if I've scouted them out myself only for the polls. :) Songs that I hate so much that I can't stand them are very few, and I won't waste time on adding them!

Did you change the song in the poll?? No. Maybe you clicked on the wrong one if I posted them too close together or maybe (most likely) tumblr has screwed something up for you. Some songs don't even show at times because it's tumblr being tumblr, just wait it out for a few minutes and tumblr will eventually remember to play the audio. So far there's only one song that I had to re-upload because tumblr killed the file. I can change the clip to better audio or to another part of the same song, but I never replace it to a different one once it's out there for you to vote on, I don't see the point of doing that.

Why are some polls audio files and other video files? Again: tumblr being tumblr. They won't allow some songs to be uploaded as audio, but using them in videos is ok. I hate the audio-as-video format and it requires even more effort from me so I'm not doing it on purpose. :)

I don't remember if I've heard this song before or not. If you know you've heard it, like if you're a fan or a hater or the song has been constantly played on the radio, you know it. (this is why the phrasing has been changed again in the latest polls) If you don't remember it, or just vaguely, or just a specific tiny part used in a meme/tiktok video, choose first time. The only thing that matters is the yes or no, knowing it or not is just an added fun but don't take it too seriously. :) Look at it sort of like "old fan/casual listener/hater vs new listener".

The part of the song that you posted SUCKS!!!! You should have just posted this one specific famous part for people to vote yes! "don't post the actual song in this song poll" ...................................like, no. not gonna post just the meme-bits or the drops or the whatever. Yeah i saw all the comments how you all clicked dislike on "Out of Touch" because you voted before you got to the chorus 😂 That's an honest opinion about the song lol, because a song is more than just a catchy chorus or a big drop. But yeah, sometimes one verse of a song would've maybe been better to post instead of that other verse, I'm with you on that.

I queued this song to see what it is but it's still stated as being Anonymous for me! Reblogs, drafts and queues will only show you what's there at the time, like a screenshot. It won't update automatically. All your reblogs, drafts and queued posts from when the poll is active will only show up as Anonymous songs. Always go back to the original post to see the song reveal. If the info isn't there, then give me a day or two to update the post because most likely things are too busy irl. 💖

I voted wrong/voted before I recognized the song! Will you change my vote? No, I'm not recounting anything wth. 😅

I'm embarrassed. I like the song but I don't want others to know that I do. I promise you that nobody but you can see how you've voted. Not me or your mutuals. Only you see what you've voted on. It's ok to like bad songs, and it's ok to like good songs by bad people. Don't let others shame you for that.

How do I vote on this cover/remix that was posted instead of the original? If you feel like this version is close to the original that you like, vote yes. If you don't feel like this version does the original song justice, vote no, even if it hurts.

This song that I don't know samples another song that I do know. How do I vote? I don't consider samples being used as being the same song, so pick first time. Unlike covers/remixes, the original song that has been sampled might show up at a later time, if it hasn't already been on here before.

How does so many people not know this song!!? Everyone is not your age/not from your country and your experience is not universal. 🤷‍♀️ That being said, I too get wtf-moments sometimes because some songs really do get wacky results, so, yeah 😂

Have you ever thought about-- Yes.

I demand you give me a rickroll!!!!!! Ask things nicely instead of demanding things from me. (This is the most common demand I've gotten, sigh. Thanks to those of you who have at least asked nicely and/or with a sense of humour!)

Please do a rickroll? It's already been posted in a bonus poll. It might show up in a "real" poll in years from now if this poll blog is still active but as of now it was added to a tumblr meme post where it was better suited.

I'm gonna ignore that submissions are closed and send you song suggestions anyway!!!! They will be deleted because they're not asked for atm. Unless you're the artist. Exceptions can be made in that case. :)

This poll blog doesn't respect my requirement to know who the artists are before I listen to their songs because of my need - that is very important that everyone else needs to acknowledge and follow - to know if a person is of a good moral standing according to my own views!! 😡 There's other poll blogs better suited for you. Not everything online has to be adjusted to fit *your* particular needs. 🤷‍♀️ (YES i've actually gotten this demand way too often. Sigh.)

Why was my reblog hidden from the notes where I spew hatred over an artist?! You are censoring me!!!! Did you mention the artist by name, or other obvious spoilers? Don't post spoilers. 🤷‍♀️

You hid this other comment I made with no spoilers!!!!! Sometimes comments show in dashboard mode but not in app mode and vice versa, or not even in the notifications. Haven't we already established that tumblr finds easy stuff extremely difficult? Also, sometimes you and I don't share an opinion of what a spoiler means. To all of you who have claimed an artist's name isn't a spoiler, yeah it's kind of a big one. As for the artist mentioning their own name or the song title in the song, you only hear that once you listen to the clip. Knowing it before even clicking to play the music is a spoiler.

Why have you turned off replies? I want to say things without reblogging!! I mean 🤷‍♀️ I'm sure you know why. Replies and anons have been turned off from the very beginning. The few times replies actually have been turned on, it's been stated as such and been very temporarily, like when we've discussed music in some post.

Turn on anon!!! I'm to shy to say thing off-anon! I mostly reply to things privately, or this blog would be nothing but q&a. Anons are off for a reason. Abuse and death threats are to be associated with the sender's account for all to see. I'm always nice to nice people so there's no need to worry about sending me questions or tagging me in things. :) 💖

I demand you to-- Pay me. :)

Shut up and take the abuse thrown at you personally because you're just a poll blog! You are aware that the poll blogs on tumblr aren't actually run by bots, right? Don't be an obnoxious twat. (and ughh yes, this too has been said to me several times. Sigh.)

I want you to add this song I want RIGHT NOW and/or i WANT these other options added now! Rich people can always break all the rules, just like irl. Just give me the $$$$ 😘

I don't like this song because I don't understand the language. Please only post English songs. Ok well, I mean, you can always learn other languages. 🤷‍♀️ Just like how I learned English.

If anyone feels targeted by these last questions without me meaning to, I'm sorry. These actually are the most common questions and comments and demands I've gotten in my askbox. Especially when the blog was new and people Demanded Their Rights to have me adjust everything to suit them. Don't feel like you can't state your thoughts in reblogs or in messages because as long as you're not being rude to me, my attitude on some answers isn't targeted at you, only at them. 💖 Remember to just have fun with the polls and hopefully you and/or your mutuals discover new music!

[starlight-and-snowflakes]

5 strategies that have improved my executive functioning in 2023

1. Preparing tasks in advance

This tip has been one of the most useful things for me to be able to actually get the things I want to do done without getting stuck in the process. I am very prone to difficulties with task initiation and task switching. Basically I've found that if I check what activities are upcoming for that day in my calendar (but you can use any task that you want to do sometime that day) then I set the task up in advance it's a lot easier to actually do the task.

So if my goal is to stream after dinner then I turn my pc on and have my setup ready to go before dinner. If I want to do a Pilates workout I set up my mat an hour before I actually want to do the workout. If I want to go to the gym I get into gym clothes at the start of the day so I don't have to change later.

I basically eliminate all the difficult prep work and then I find doing the task so much easier when I get to it.

2. Task switching when stuck

A lot of neurodivergent people have issues with getting 'stuck' or 'frozen', myself included. Whether it's autistic inertia or decision paralysis or something else it's very common to find yourself unable to do anything at all. You'll know that even if you put your phone away or stop what you're doing you'll just continue to sit there doing nothing.

The solution to this for me has consistently been to switch goal. I want to get up and shower but can't? I'll find that I can pull my laptop out and get some work done instead (and then shower after lunch later in the day). I am stuck when I want to stream? I find I can do my skincare instead (and I ended up streaming the next day).

Yes this means you don't get your original goal done when you wanted but you get something done, and something is better than nothing.

3. Task chaining

I've found that task chaining is the easiest way for me to get multiple tasks done. It's basically building upon your success. Take the example from my task switching section where I couldn't get myself to start streaming so I decided to do my skincare instead. While doing skincare I remembered I wanted to ask my brother about a particular product. So suddenly I'm capable of going to ask him about it. I couldn't even get out of bed before but now I have the motivation to move (I keep my skincare next to my bed so I didn't have to get up prior to this). After talking to him I decide I can go downstairs and make tea (something I originally wanted to do before streaming but was too stuck to do). While downstairs my mother tells me that she has a pile of laundry for me. I decide to take it back upstairs and put it away immediately. While doing so I figure I may as well sort all the laundry that's piled up on my floor as well.

I've gone from not doing anything to completing 4 separate tasks. If I wanted to get up and put the clothes on my floor away originally I'd never have been able to do it. I built on my successfully completed tasks and chained them together. Of course you should still remember to rest after chaining a number of tasks together.

4. Prioritise harder tasks earlier

I get all my energy at the start of the day and feel quite tired by the end of the day. This is how most people feel due to how our circadian rhythms function. Because of this I have found it's a lot easier to get difficult tasks done in the morning.

So now instead of trying to clean my room or go to the gym at 5pm I'll do it at 9am. I'll save 5pm for my easy tasks, things like studying Korean, meditating, studying geography, and coding. Take some time to figure out which tasks you find easy and which you find hard. If you consistently find yourself unable to do a task that's a hint that it's difficult for you. Vice versa if you're consistently capable of a task it might be a sign it's an easier one for you.

5. Using an AI scheduler

I saved this one for last, not because it's ineffective, it's actually made a huge difference in my life. But it does cost money to take full advantage of this so I put it down the bottom. Still there's a lot to be said for using an AI scheduler. I hate choosing what to do and have always preferred to be told what tasks I should do each day. It also takes a huge amount of mental energy to decide what tasks I should do when each week and organise them in advance.

Enter Reclaim, the AI scheduler of my dreams (there are lots of other ones on the market too like Motion! Take a look around and see if you can find one you like but unfortunately they all seem paid). Reclaim does have a free version but for me their paid version is necessary to achieve my goals.

I set up all my tasks and habits in Reclaim, I can customise how often I want to do things, how long they should take, and what hours I have free. Then I just check my calendar each day and see what tasks I'm meant to do. If I end up taking more time than expected I just hit the 'reschedule' button on a task and it's automatically slotted in somewhere else that week. This has definitely made one of the biggest changes to my quality of life I could probably make a whole separate post about using Reclaim.

That's all the tips that have worked for me this year so far, maybe some of them might help you!

[builtbybrokenbells]

Melodic Memories | Track 6: Ain’t No Sunshine - Bill Withers

In a tattered old box shoved deep down in the corner of an overfilled closet, a lifetimes worth of memories lie dormant at the bottom waiting to be rediscovered.

Masterlist

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x f!reader

Word Count: 10k

Warnings: sexting?, explicit photographs, making out, angst, crying, heartbreak, high school breakups, breakups, estranged parent/strained parental relationship, depression, high school drama, anxiety, mentions of drinking, drinking, mentions of hookups/one night stands, unrequited love, PTSD mentions/explanations of reactions and behaviours due to PTSD, mentions of addiction/drugs, smoking, swearing, fluff, sorry if i miss any!

Sorry for the wait, but thank you for being patient with me! I love you guys to no end!! As always, enjoy, be kind, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes 🫶🏻

Also a special shout-out to @gretavangroupie and @gretavanmoon for always keeping me on track, putting up with my craziness, and for the unwavering support and encouragement 🤍 melodic memories wouldn’t be what it is without you 😌

Her POV

“Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

It’s not warm when she’s away

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

And she’s always gone too long

Anytime she goes away”

Your phone chiming beside your laptop broke your attention from the endless list of Indeed applications you had half finished. You landed back in your chair, careful not to disturb Ozz, who was sound asleep on your thighs without a care in the world. You tapped the screen, hoping it would be a breath of hope for a job offer by a principal who was also plagued with insomnia, but instead realized it was a breath of hope for a much different reason. Jake’s contact name sat below the clock on your Lock Screen, letting you know that after everything, he still didn’t have the heart to hate you.

For some odd reason, you almost wished he did.

Hurting him was something you never wanted to do, but since meeting him, it was all you could do. Despite breaking his heart all over again, he never gave up hope on being friends, even if the label was bullshit and completely unfulfilling.

Being friends with him was hard, mostly because you didn’t want to be, and because you didn’t know how to be. Loving him was a constant state, and putting that to the side proved to be a daunting task despite you being the one to suggest it. Since the day you met him, you were head over heels, and even in his years of absence, it never went away. Being cordial without crossing lines and being friendly without any hidden agenda was difficult, but because you had promised him, you were committed to trying.

Since your talk with Mel the day prior, you felt better about your feelings, but still not certain. There was so much up in the air, still so many things that would not resolve without time, but you had taken it upon yourself to respond to his messages and keep up the friendly communication. It hurt, but it felt better than whatever the hell the previous few days had been. You were sober, still sad, but trying your best to make life as normal as possible despite the burgeoning sorrow that was begging to take over again. It was easier when you were burying yourself in the task of finding work, but that seemed to be the only distraction.

When it came down to it, your current state could only be blamed on your own stubbornness and stupidity.

You clicked on the notification, your Face ID immediately bringing you to the text chain. You scanned the message, seeing no words or greetings, but instead a link to Spotify. With furrowed brows, you clicked on it and waited for the app to load. Once it did, you wished you had ignored it completely. The familiar album cover sent a wave of tears rushing down your cheeks, without warning and without any hesitation. It seemed like a common theme as of recent.

Ain’t No Sunshine - Bill Withers

For a little extra salt in the wound, you pressed play and let the slow melody fill your ears. You closed your eyes for a moment, letting the brief moment of pain be felt instead of pushing it down and letting it fester.

Another text popped up on the screen, force of habit making you click on it as soon as it appeared. When it brought you back to Jake’s thread, you noticed an image attatched below the song. You recognized the sight immediately, briefly considering blocking him and changing your name so you never had to feel this way again.

Still, you knew that running away would not rid you of the curse of loving a Kiszka. You tried it once before, and it left you in the exact same situation you ran away from.

For someone who said he would try his best to be just friends, him sending you pictures of him in his childhood bedroom and a link to a song that was an explicit telling of his heart was not very friend-like.

At the same time, you crying over said instances was also very far from friendly.

After only a few troublesome days, it seemed apparent that friends was never in the cards for the two of you.

You looked back at the bed, finding Mel sleeping soundly under the covers, unbeknownst to your troubles just a few feet away. If she were awake, you wondered what she would say. Would she push you to respond, to tell him that the world seemed bleak and lonely without him, too? Without even debating it, you already knew the answer.

Of course she would. It was an incredibly stupid thing to ask.

In fact, she would probably tell you exactly that, or she would be a little more coarse and unapologetic about it. So you drafted up a response with the ghost of Mel’s advice in the back of your mind. If he could be open and honest, so could you. Your fingers trembled as you typed your answer, stopping every now and then to gather your thoughts before continuing on. Eventually, you let out a breath of relief, hitting send on the text and watching as the blue line slid across the screen until it delivered.

You

Guess I’m not the only one having a hard time with friends.

Almost instantly, three dots popped up encased in a grey bubble, signifying he was already typing a response for you.

Jake ❤️

We’re in this together, just like always.

You felt your heart drop to your stomach, sickened by the idea of you both suffering over the same thing when the solution was right in front of you. Together always, no matter if it was mutual happiness or to share sorrows.

Jake ❤️

What are you doing up so late, sunshine?

You

Damn job applications. Still no calls :(

Jake ❤️

They’re crazy for not calling you back. I know you’d be the best teacher at ANY school.

You

You think too highly of me 😅

Jake ❤️

Think you don’t give yourself enough credit.

You

What are YOU doing up so late? Sending such risqué texts at that.

Jake ❤️

At mom and dad’s house… had too much wine. Just waiting for Sam to shut up so he can drive us back to the hotel.

You

So I have a drunkard on my hands.

Jake ❤️

I wish I was in your hands, but we’re friends now so I guess that’s off the table.

Your cheeks turned red, your stomach twisting with knots at the simple thought of touching him again. Of course you’d rather be there, drinking wine and retelling childhood stories while sat on the couch, maybe even with his hand on your knee as you leaned into his side. You wanted it all, but only ever with him, and it was torture to pretend you didn’t. He made it so hard to keep your morals in check, and the longer you talked to him the less you seemed to care about the reasons why you left. Maybe you ignoring him had little to do with your own sadness and everything to do with his ability to change your mind about things.

You wanted him—you needed him. To feel his arms around you, to hear the sweet melodies of his voice, to feel the love radiating from him straight into you. You were sick of the self-inflicted punishments, tired of holding back. You missed him, and you couldn’t bear to feel it any longer, especially when he was so close to you.

Jake ❤️

Sorry, sunshine. I’m trying my best.

You

Don’t apologize.

With that, you gave in to the temptation and closed your laptop. You carefully placed Ozz on the bed, so gently that he didn’t even stir from his sleep. As you clicked on his contact and dialled his number, you snuck out of your bedroom and let the door fall shut behind you. The dial tone didn’t even have a chance to ring once before he picked up, his raspy tone filling your ears and easing the ache in your chest that had been bothering you for days.

“Do friends call each other at one in the morning?” He teased, the slight slur in his tone telling you he certainly did indulge in too much wine.

“You want me to hang up?” You shot back, bluffing of course, but warning him nonetheless.

“Not at all.” He responded without missing a beat. “Job hunt too boring? Needed some excitement?”

“Something like that.” You hummed, pacing the hallway outside of your bedroom. You had no idea why you were so nervous, especially considering you’d been in this position a million times before. For some reason, it felt different now, more real and much more terrifying. You let out a sigh, deciding to rip off the bandaid and get straight to the point. “You still have that pack of Newports?”

“Just smoked one.” He confirmed. “Why?”

“I have a bottle of strawberry wine. The cheap stuff, like I used to drink when we were kids.” You swallowed hard, wondering if he understood your intent. He was silent, the static crackling over the line the only inkling he was still there. After a moment, he cleared his throat, and you could only imagine his tongue swiping over his bottom lip as he tried to swallow back his nerves.

“Does that mean what I think it does?”

“Let Sam talk, Jake.” You confirmed. “I’ll take you home later.”

“Are you sure, sunshine? This isn’t very friend-like… ‘least it wasn’t way back then.”

“Shove it with the friend thing. It was a really stupid thing to say. I need you Jake, no matter what fucking label we put on it.” You rushed out, knowing you were only breaking your own rules because you were overtired and sad. Still, the only place you wanted to be was in his arms, and nothing would take that feeling away. “Are you in or out?”

“In. Always.” He assured you.

“I’ll meet you halfway.” You couldn’t measure the amount of relief you felt.

“See you in ten.” He promised. Without another word, he ended the call, leaving you staring at your lock screen with uncertainty bubbling in the pit of your stomach.

Instead of dwelling, you snuck back in your room to grab a hoodie. You slipped it over your head as you walked downstairs, grabbing your keys from the kitchen table as you slipped on your shoes. You locked the door behind you, carefully trodding down the porch steps and into the night. The air was cool, the grasshoppers and crickets working together to make an ambient atmosphere in your front yard. You cut through the lawn, feeling the dew of the grass stick to your ankles as you checked for headlights on the road.

You started at a slow pace down your street, your heart racing as the moonlight illuminated the way. Street lamps were few and far between, casting yellow hues over the horizon as you approached your first turn. Keeping on the sidewalk, you marched down the side street and noticed that nobody was waiting for you at the end. Your stomach sank, wondering if maybe he had enough of your ridiculous mood swings and decided not to come at all. You tried not to get in your own head too much as you neared the four way intersection, hearing nothing but distant cars on the highway.

You tapped your foot against the pavement as you stood in the middle, never letting your eyes leave the road that led to his house. After a few more minutes of nothing, your disappointment was growing stronger by the second. You tried to tell yourself that Jake would never leave you hanging, not with your hopes up and your heart splayed on your sleeve. At the same time, you knew if he did, you would be nothing other than deserving of it. You took his love and his kindness for granted, hurting him more than you cared to admit even if it was for his own sake, and if he thought it was justifiable to leave you looking like an idiot, you would have to agree.

Then, your whirlwind of thoughts came to a halt. A shadow appeared under a streetlight, giving you a glimpse of hope back. Seconds later, you could see the outline of a body in the near distance. His hands were shoved in the pockets of his jeans, his long hair hanging down over his shoulders, and the cutoff t-shirt he was wearing hung loosely from his torso.

It was Jake.

Your Jake—the very same as he was six years ago when he used to meet you in that exact spot.

Knowing that made you feel at ease, calm despite the constant storm of emotions trying to ruin your life. It felt right, walking to meet him under the moonlight, seeing his silhouette under the street lamps. Things were so different, but eerily similar to those memories you cherished most. Without hesitation, you started to walk towards him, your feet carrying you forward despite your brain telling you not to. Your pace sped the closer you got to him, and before you knew it, you were running towards him in hopes he would greet you with the same enthusiasm.

“Sunshine!” Jake laughed, tumbling backwards as you collided into him and engulfed him in a hug. His arms wrapped around you as your head settled on his chest, and as if it were a natural response, he lifted you off your feet and spun you around.

You wondered, after so much heartbreak, how could things still feel so perfect?

“What’s gotten into you?” He asked, carefully placing you back on the ground and pulling away. His warm eyes scanned your face, noticing the shine of tears still lingering and your red nose. “Hey,” his lips dipped into a frown, only making the ache in your chest worsen.

“I’m just… I’m sorry. About everything. The last four days have been awful, and I just… I didn’t want to leave it like that, I guess. You deserve more.”

“Nothing a little rooftop conversation can’t fix, right? Always seemed to work before.” At that, a small smile turned your lips. You sniffled back any remaining sadness, giving him a curt nod to show him you agreed wholeheartedly.

The walk back to your house was relatively peaceful, and he had tested his luck and intertwined his fingers with your own for the short distance. You didn’t have the heart or the desire to turn him away, so you allowed yourself to enjoy the moment while you still could. Inside, you grabbed a few blankets and the last bottle of wine stored in the refrigerator. Then, like it was only yesterday, the two of you trekked into the spare bedroom and you watched as he popped out the screen on the window. Carefully, he climbed out first, grabbing the items from your hands so you could do the same.

When your feet were firmly planted on the rickety tin of the roof, he laid the blanket down and motioned for you to take a seat. Once you did, he sat behind you, his legs settling on either side of your own as he wrapped his arms around your torso. You leaned into the touch, resting your back against his chest as you looked up at the stars twinkling in the sky. For a single moment, you were seventeen again—the smell of Newports stuck to his clothes and the warmth of his body made you believe that no worldly trouble could touch you. You were seventeen, happy and carefree, long before heartbreak ever touched you and the end was even in sight.

But, no good thing could last forever, and the two of you were far too good to last for more than a small glimpse of time.

“Talk to me, sunshine.” He broke the silence, his voice quiet as he watched the same stars you’d focused your attention on.

“Been a long time since we came up here together.” You whispered, tracing small hearts into the back of his hand with your index finger. “I never came up here again after we… I couldn’t. Didn’t feel right.” He didn’t respond to your confessions. Instead, you felt his chin rest on the very top of your head, the pressure light and the position only so he could try and be closer to you. “Why’d you send me that song?”

“You know why.” You did, but you wanted to hear from him. “It’s you, Sunshine. It always has been, and it always will be. Every time I step foot in that house, you’re the only thing I can see. In my bed, laying on the couch in the basement, on a blanket in the backyard, bothering Sam in the doorway of his bedroom. It’s you. Even if you call us friends, that will never change.”

You reached for the bottle of wine, cracking the cap and taking a small sip. You decided it would be needed for such a heavy conversation, and you could keep him here for long enough to sober up and drive him home. As the liquid travelled down your throat, you were plagued with the thought that the sweetness couldn’t even compare to the kind in which came from his words. Even so, you continued to swallow it down in hopes it would wash away the taste of those from your tongue.

“Are you mad?” You asked, looking down at the point your hand met with his. His silence struck you harder than you thought it would, but you couldn’t blame him if he was.

“Not mad.” He replied, taking his time to collect his thoughts on the matter. “Frustrated, but not mad. Think I was at first, but Josh and Sam put things into perspective for me.”

“Mel helped me with that, too.” You hummed, taking another swig from the chilled bottle.

“Why do you think this is the only way?” He blurted the question out, the liquor getting the best of him and furthering his curiosity. He needed answers, but he was unsure if the ones you provided would help. Before you responded, you offered the bottle to him in hopes it would make it easier for him too.

“Because I don’t want to hurt you.” Your voice was so quiet that he could barely hear it over the ambient noise of the night. “Feel like that’s all I ever do, anyway.” He wanted to argue, to tell you how wrong it was and list every good thing you had ever brought to his life, but he didn’t. Instead, he settled on one simple statement he prayed would get his point across clearly.

“If all you did was hurt me, do you really think I’d still be here?” You swallowed the fact with struggle, feeling the truth get stuck in your throat as it began to choke you. Your eyes watered and your lungs burned because for a moment, you forgot how to breathe, and you hated yourself for pushing a narrative on him and forcing him to take it. “You are so much more than you give yourself credit for.”

Silence became the two of you again, neither one of you willing to rock the boat any further as you digested the answers to your questions. You listened to the dull thud of his heart against his chest, feeling it on your skull if you focused for long enough. You wondered, if he was a separate being and the two of you were your own entities, why did it feel like your heart existed alongside his own, beating in the same rhythm to make the same song, against the flesh and bone that made him? Your own chest felt empty, hollow and barren. It ached with a fervor and the nothingness seemed to taunt you when he wasn’t near. Now, in his arms, you could feel the beat of your own heart after days of missing it.

“Talk to me.” He repeated his earlier statement, his free hand reaching up to brush the locks of hair from your face. His fingers ran through the knotted strands, eventually reaching the end where he twisted them around his index finger. The small action was so akin to his love, the gentleness and the care that went into it telling of all he felt for you. “You called first. You asked me to come over. Something’s bothering you.”

He was right, but it was not some trivial thing or instance that plagued your thoughts. It was everything; the entire world as a whole, your life being so different than the one you envisioned. How could you explain what your troubles were when trouble was the only thing you knew?

Well, that, and love by his hand.

When considering the latter, the world didn’t seem so bleak after all.

“I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going.” You stated, blunt enough to make you regret it. You wished talking about your feelings was easier, that communication could come naturally rather than all or nothing.

“So you’ve said.” He let out a low chuckle, the warm skin of his hand drifting across your cool cheek reminding you that you were alive and awake, rather than stuck in a twisted dream.

“I dunno… guess that I always had this plan. Since I was little, even before my dad left, I knew where this life would take me and how I wanted it to go, how I would handle it. The older I get, the more I realize I never had it figured out, and it’s really bothering me. Way more than I thought it would.”

“Oh, sunshine.” Jake hummed, soft and sweet as the pad of his thumb drifted across your skin. You could hear the smile in his voice, but you weren’t sure why. Either way, it felt good to know it was there, even if your misery clouded every other aspect of your life. “None of us ever had it figured out, even if we thought so. Nobody does, even now. That’s the beauty of life, is it not?”

“God, you sound like Josh.” You scoffed, the corners of your lips turned upwards into a smirk. “When did that happen?”

“Yeah, maybe that was a bit much.” He agreed, his shoulders shaking with a laugh. “Spend a lot of time with him on the road. Kinda hard not to pick up some habits from him.”

“Where’s Jake? I want his answer, not the philosophical shit you pulled from one of Josh’s guides to enlightenment.” You teased, craning your head backwards to catch a glimpse of his face. As you did, you almost wished you didn’t, finding it incredibly hard to tear your eyes away from him.

“Jake’s right here, sunshine. If I answer, will you listen?” He raised an eyebrow, teasing you just the same. He had a point; you were quite pigheaded when it came to anyone else’s opinion, even if you tried your best not to be.

“I will, I promise.” You withheld the fact that all you wanted to do was listen to him, that if he stayed, you would promise to listen until your very last dying breath.

“Okay,” he let out a long breath. “I’m drunk, so bear with me.” At that, a giggle fell from your lips, bits of joy stuck in your teeth despite worrying you’d never feel it again. “Out of everyone I know, you’ve always had it together. You knew where you were going, what you were doing, and most of the time, you knew what everyone else was doing, too. Or what they should have been doing, at least.” A smile struck your lips, full but still sad because he was right. Planning and preparing were the two very things that kept you going, even if it made you overlook emotions and fun. “You still have it together, Y/N, even if things aren’t going exactly the way you wanted.”

“I just… I feel like after all this work, all of this time, I should be somewhere, be something.” You let out an exasperated sigh, your head falling back against his chest with a thud. “Instead, I’m almost twenty-five, still living in my moms house with no job and relying on my high school boyfriend to help pick me up off the ground.”

“Hey,” his interruption was curt, gruff almost as he voiced his distaste for your statement. “You’re not relying on me. I’m not forced to be here because you couldn’t do it alone. I want to be here. I offered to be here. I jumped at the chance, actually.” He said, his lips hovering over your ear as he leaned in further. He smelled like cheap cigarettes and red wine, the two fighting a losing battle against his expensive cologne. It was hard to resist the temptation, to hold yourself back from kissing him and confusing the two of you even further. “Besides, I’m not picking you up off the ground, ‘cause you were never down there in the first place.” The vibrations of his voice sent a shiver down your spine, and the warmth of his breath made your stomach flutter. “Also, I’d like to think I’m a little more than just your old high school boyfriend.”

“You are.” The words slipped out with little thought, forcing you to explain your thoughts further. “You’re everything, bug. It’s always been you, too.” You took another sip of wine, swallowing back the heaviness of your statement. Even if the time was wrong, even if you weren’t meant to be, you would always be his. In this lifetime, his presence would always be the only thing you ever craved.

“You’ll get a job, sunshine. I bet you ten bucks you’ll get a call tomorrow.” At that, you let out a dry, sarcastic laugh. It had been months since you finished school, and months since you’d been waiting for an offer. For him to think the tables would suddenly turn was naïve, even if it was comforting. You knew that if everyone else in the world stopped believing in you, even if they thought your amount to nothing, he would continue to cheer you on.

Perhaps he was betting on a job offer for his own personal agenda. If you had certainty again, if you knew where you were going, you wouldn’t be so afraid to let him in.

“You’re funny, Jake.” You dismissed him, saddened as you continued to watch the sky.

“I’ll be expecting ten dollars, then.” He squeezed you a little tighter, the action pulling you further into him. You wanted to tell him that you never wanted him to let go, but you bit your tongue as you realized how selfish it was. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.” You assured him.

“Is that why you left? The first time, and this time?” You froze, his question blunt and an answer just out of reach. You wondered what tipped him off, what forced him to ask such a question? You weren’t sure what exactly he was referring to, so before responding you thought it best to ask.

“What… what do you mean?”

“You’re a planner. You always knew how your life would go… and you never expected me. I turned it upside down the first time, and then you left and got yourself back on track… you learned how to be alone and you figured your shit out, just for me to show up and throw things out of whack again.” He seemed to be struggling to explain, but you were following him. “You like control, and you like certainty, and when you love someone this much, it kinda feels like everything is out of control. You don’t know if I’ll leave, or if we’ll run into trouble that causes more bad than good, and you don’t know what I’m thinking or where I’m going to end up. You being with me… kinda makes you accept a whole shitload of uncertainty, and you love certainty.”

“Jake, even if I went back in time and knew that I would end up with you, that we would end up like this, it still never would have prepared me for it.” You breathed, trying to wrap your head around the complexity and intensity of the emotions you felt for him. “I don’t think any kind of logic or sense could explain this. The way I feel for you… it’s so overwhelming, so unlike anything I’ve ever felt. When people used to talk about love, I never ever thought it would feel like this.” You swore you could feel his heart beat faster as you continued to speak, but you did your best to ignore it so you could keep your composure. “It scares me a little, and maybe it’s part of the reason why I left, but it’s so much more than that. The uncertainty was worth it, because I never felt like you would do anything to make me regret it. Even now, you still haven’t.”

“So what is it? Explain it to me, because we were all over the place that morning, and I just need to understand it.”

“I left because I love you.” You replied, toying with a loose thread on the blanket below you. “Because all I’ve ever wanted was to see you succeed, to live a life you always dreamed about, and I’m terrified of standing in the way of it. I saw the notifications on your phone, and it scared the shit out of me. I thought you were going to put your whole life on pause to figure us out, and I couldn’t handle it. You worked so hard for this, just like you did way back then, and I can’t ruin it for you. I’m so fucked up right now… drinking wine on the roof because I’m twenty-five and directionless. I can’t force you to plan your life around me when it’s so crazy right now. I don’t know where I’ll end up, and I guess I’m afraid if we do try again, you’ll regret it. I can handle a lot, but I couldn’t handle knowing you resented me.”

“That would never happen.” He said, his heart aching at the simple thought of you believing he could house such feelings towards you.

“But you don’t know that.” You argued. “When we were eighteen, we ended this on good terms to avoid that feeling. When you came back and I saw you, I was so excited and happy that I forgot about everything else… I ignored any consequences. I’m no better off now than I was then, and to tie you down when you’ve spent the last few years with so much freedom… I can’t, Jake.”

As you said it aloud, Mel’s voice rang louder in the back of your head, telling you that you couldn’t make that decision for him. At the same time, what else could you do? Could you risk the very thing you were determined to avoid? Could you chance all of his love for you being replaced with a bitter, cold emotion that would haunt you for the rest of your life?

“If you’re worried about me, you don’t have to be.” He hummed, fighting every urge to argue. It was easy for him to respond with counterattacks and emotion, because the whole situation frustrated him beyond belief, but you loved logic, and he was trying his hardest to speak from his brain rather than his heart. “My career is important to me. It’s been a long and difficult journey to get where we are, and I’m thankful for it every day. I wouldn’t just give it up, Y/N. My brothers, my fans… I have people counting on me. At the same time, work can only get you so far. When I’m old and tired, the stage isn’t going to be sitting beside me on a porch somewhere. My guitar will be in the living room, collecting dust because my hands hurt too much to play it. There’s a point where all of that is going to be a memory—a damn good one, but a memory.”

You weren’t sure why it hurt so bad, but the thought of him not playing his guitar had struck an agonizing chord in your heart.

“Before I met you, I never thought I could love something else the same way I love music. Then, you showed up, and everything changed. Were not kids, and I’d like to think we’re a lot less stupid. We can have two things at once. I can handle that, even if I didn’t think I could back then. I want you beside me on that porch, bitchin’ at me ‘cause all the guitar does is collect dust. You wouldn’t stand in the way of anything, ‘cause since that day I promised you I’d love you forever, I knew what I was signing myself up for. I will love you forever, and that dream always included you, sunshine. It was never just me up on that stage; it was also you, cheering me on and giving me the encouragement to keep going.”

Your cheeks were damp again, the tears free flowing and your misery loud enough for the whole world to hear. How was he so perfect, in everything he did and every word he said? How was it fair that two people could love each other so much but have so many things stand in the way?

“Loving you is the only thing I know how to do.” You confessed, raising your palms to your cheeks to swipe away the tears. “I promised too, and I meant it. I swear I could never love anyone else like this.”

“No need to cry, beautiful.” He hugged you tighter, encasing you in a blanket of protection that not even the strongest force could break through. “I let you leave the first time because I was scared. I’m letting you go this time because I want you to be ready, too. I’ve been waiting six years, Y/N. If it takes six more for you to get there, I’ll still be waiting. You are worth every bad thing and every day spent alone. Nobody else could ever be what you are to me.”

“God, shut up.” You laughed despite the sadness, a smile contradicting your tears. “Stop making me fall for you all over again.”

“Too bad,” he laughed, watching as you twisted yourself around so you could look at him. “I promised to love you, so get used to it sunshine.” The warmth of his eyes made you feel like everything was going to be okay, even if everything else in the universe was trying to convince you otherwise. When he was out of sight, it felt like the world was ending, but as soon as your eyes landed on him, you felt stupid for ever worrying at all. “Can you promise me something?”

“You sure you want me to? Our promises seem more like curses.” You tried to joke despite the truth being horribly painful.

“Never a curse, sweetheart, even if it does hurt sometimes.” He assured you, tucking a lock of hair behind your ear. “Promise me that when you’re ready, you’ll let me know.” Your lips turned down into a frown, saddened at the idea of him waiting patiently for you to get your shit together.

“The second I do, you’ll be the first to know.”

“And if there’s ever a time you know for sure I’m not what you want, I need to know that, too.” You almost laughed at the incredulous statement, knowing that in this lifetime, not wanting Jake wasn’t a possibility. But, for his sanity, you gave a small nod, assuring him that you would tell him if it did happen to come true. “Thank you for calling me tonight.”

“Thank you for coming. I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but you were the only person I wanted to talk to.” You spun around, now facing him and carefully laying your legs over his thighs. He smiled down at you, his hands resting on your hips as he pulled you closer to him.

“You deserve everything, sunshine.” He whispered, his eyes twinkling under the pale moonlight. You swore, for a single second, you could see the entire universe in the near black of his irises. “Anytime you want me here, I’ll be here. I’ve always been a call away, even if it didn’t seem like it.”

“You were right.” Your stomach was twisted in a knot, the faint hint of alcohol on his breath making your head spin. Your face being so close to his was making it hard to think of anything else, his presence intoxicating as an invisible force pushed you further into his arms.

“About?” He raised his eyebrow, seemingly caught in the same flurry of emotions as you. The tip of his nose was nearly brushing yours, his eyelids heavy as his fingers tightened their hold on you.

“This isn’t very friend-like.” You whispered, inching your lips closer to his.

“I did tell you that it would be hard to be friends.” He reminded you, one of his hands slowly removing itself from your hip to cup your face.

“Yeah, because I don’t want to be friends.” You nearly scoffed the words, disgusted at the thought of it. If it were easier, if the world wasn’t so complicated and cruel, you never would have forced the title on the two of you.

“Me neither.” He agreed. “So let’s not be friends.”

“What else could we be?” You giggled, finding his statement silly considering the predicament you found yourselves in.

“Two people in love, that can’t fully be together yet.” He replied. “Feel like it fits us a little better.”

“That’s a complicated title.” You teased, his lips so close to yours you could almost taste him on your tongue.

“It’s nobody’s business but ours.” He smiled, the softness of his features in the dim light of the night reminding you of a younger version of him. The two of you, in perfect unison, happiness on your faces but lingering sadness in your hearts reminded you of a simpler time, one with a much less complex relationship, when you could be together with no worries.

“Okay, sounds good to me.” In that moment, you would have agreed to anything he said, solely because you couldn’t imagine causing him any more trouble.

“Is there rules for this?” He asked, clearly running on the same train of thought as you were.

“Not tonight, ‘cause we’re just trying to figure it out, right?”

“Right.” He nodded gently, searching your face for any sigh of discomfort. When he could find none, he finally leaned forward and closed the gap between you.

The taste of him was sweet on your lips, fulfilling and so unlike anything else. The simple action left your head spinning and your chest aching, and you wondered if something felt this good, why it could not last forever. His hand held you to him, unwilling to let you slip away before he could fully enjoy the moment. It didn’t take long for him to test his luck, his tongue grazing your lower lip as he silently begged you for more. He barely had to ask—you were bending to his will and parting your lips in an instant, your hands tangling in his hair as your chest pressed against his own.

There were no fireworks, no butterflies or anything like what the movies would describe. Instead, it felt right, like the two of you were meant to be together on the rooftop of your childhood home one last time. When he pulled away, you were breathless, more stars dancing in your eyes than in the sky behind you, and the stupid smile on your lips made you regret every decision you had made in the previous four days.

“Whatever you do sunshine, whatever we are… please don’t disappear again. I sent you that song earlier because it’s true. It’s dark when you’re gone—the sun doesn’t shine and the birds don’t sing, and I can’t handle not having you in my life. As friends, as lovers, as enemies, I don’t care, as long as we’re something.” The pleading tone nearly turned you to dust, the remorse and regret for hurting him so badly seeming to eat you alive as you sat in his arms.

“I won’t disappear.” You promised, closing your eyes so he could not see the tears welling up once again. “I’m perfectly fine with being in love, but not fully together… yet.”

“Good, because I like that a hell of a lot more than I like friends.” He let out a sigh of relief, his eyes flickering to the sky to lessen the intensity of your staring contest. Then, out of nowhere, his eyes lit up and a smile broke out on his face. “Look, sunshine!” He exclaimed, causing you to jump. You whipped your head around, your eyes following the direction of his in just enough time to catch the tail end of—“a shooting star.”

“Make a wish, quick!” You matched his energy, remembering how many stars you wished upon when you were young and in love. For a long time, you cursed the stars and universe because none of the hopeful desires ever seemed to come true—especially the ones you wished upon without him there beside you. Now, sitting on the rooftop with him, held so tightly in his arms, your faith had suddenly been restored. You had gotten everything you ever wished for in the single moment you were sharing with him now.

The both of you closed your eyes, the wispy bright tail of the shooting star still fresh in your minds as you settled on the things you wanted most from this life.

He wished for you.

You wished for him.

Funny how after so many years, your greatest desires hadn’t changed one bit.

☾𖤓

You threw your keys down on the kitchen table, exhausted and sad as you returned home alone. For a few hours, the two of you sat on the roof talking about everything and anything that came to mind, and only when the peek of the sun in the sky began to show did you decide it was best you take him home. You held back your tears the entire drive, not daring to ask the dreaded question of when he would be flying back to Nashville. Instead, you passed the time with laughter and a few more stolen kisses, only making the departure harder when the automatic hotel doors closed behind him.

It was hard watching him walk away when you wanted to do nothing more than walk beside him.

A slow and tear filled drive home left you questioning all of your life choices, and the sun shining bright in the sky did nothing other than taunt you as you made your unusual walk of shame to your own front door. You felt like you had no tears left to cry, but somehow a few still slipped down your cheeks as you collapsed on the couch, too tired to make the trek upstairs. The chill of the night was still settled deep in your bones, and as you threw a tiny blanket over your legs and laid your head on a throw pillow, you could only remember how warm and safe it was to be in his arms.

You clicked on the television for some background noise, playing whatever channel your mother had left on before she went to bed as you begged for sleep to take you. You closed your eyes, the ghost of a migraine throbbing behind your forehead as you noticed the smell of Jake’s cologne stuck to the fibres of your sweater, which was comforting just as much as it was sickening. You reached above your head, your fingertips grazing the material of the curtains as you tried to slide it across the window to block the rays of sun. Eventually, you managed to pull it halfway across, which was good enough for you.

Just as you felt yourself begin to drift off, you heard the familiar chime of your text tone, forcing your eyes open once again. With a huff of annoyance, you reached into your pocket and pulled it out, just in time to feel the vibration of the second text that followed. You held the screen just a few inches from your face, squinting so you could focus your eyes on the words.

Jake ❤️

Since we’re no longer friends, I…

The preview only read so far, frustrating you further as you struggled to activate your Face ID in the dimly lit room. Eventually, you gave up and put in your passcode, wondering what was so important that he had to text you after your long night spent together. Even if it was important, you were sure it could have waited until the morning.

Or, afternoon, more likely.

Jake ❤️

Since we’re no longer friends, I thought it would be acceptable to tell you how fucking bad I wish you were here to keep me company.

Your stomach twisted with a sudden burst of emotion at his words, worsened further by the photograph he attatched below the already blunt message. Suddenly, you were wide awake and sleep was no longer a passing thought. Freshly showered with a towel hung low on his hips, Jake’s face was hidden behind the phone taking said picture in the foggy bathroom mirror. His hair, not even bothered to be towel dried, was dripping water down his tanned chest, and in the small frame of his face that you could see, a smirk was on the corner of his lips.

Beneath the towel, though, was what caught your attention more than anything else. His dick, half hard and pressing against the fabric, sent you down a steep spiral that nearly made you jump from the couch and drive back to his hotel. You swallowed hard, squeezing your eyes shut as you let your head push further into the pillow below you.

Maybe, in love and not fully together would be far harder than just sticking damn friends.

☾𖤓

You woke with a start, your head pounding and your heart racing as your phone rang loudly on your chest. You blinked hard, trying to adjust to the bright light pooling in through the large windows behind you. With a long intake of breath, you pushed yourself upwards, grabbing your phone in one hand and rubbing your face with the other. You peeked at the screen, recoiling at the brightness as you tried your best to adjust. Once you did, you felt your stomach drop and your chest tighten.

Private number.

Could it really be?

You cleared your throat, straightening yourself out as you hit accept on the call. Putting on your friendliest and most professional persona, you placed the phone to your ear.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Ms. Y/L/N?” On the other side of the phone was a man, curt but seemingly friendly enough.

“Yes, speaking.” You replied, trying to ignore the pull of your heartstrings. You didn’t want to get your hopes up, terrified of getting excited only to be let down.

“So nice to finally be in touch with you again!” He greeted again, chipper and cheery as he realized he was speaking with the right person. “I’m not sure if you remember me—we had a brief meeting here when you dropped off your application. My name is Bruce Myers and I’m calling on behalf of the English Faculty at the University of Michigan.”

“Hi, Mr. Myers. Of course I remember, it’s a pleasure to be speaking with you again.” You responded, now awake and on high alert as you prepared for the best or the worst news of your life.

“Please, Bruce is fine.” He chuckled. “I have to say, I’ve been sitting in my office reading over your resume all morning. All week, actually.” He cleared his throat. You could hear a chair wheel squeaking in the background, then a rustle of papers as he shuffled them around at his desk. “Top of your class in high school, and at UPenn. 5 years experience as a TA, and an achievement and awards list I’m not sure I could compare to.” Your cheeks turned red at the compliment, a fizzle of excitement sparking in your chest. You did your best to extinguish it, remembering that nothing was set in stone and he could be talking you up in hopes of letting you down easy.

“Thank you, Bruce. It’s been a long road to get here, but as I hope you can see, education has always been a top priority for me. When I came back to Michigan, I couldn’t turn down the opportunity to apply at such a fantastic university.” You tried to hide the nervous shake in your tone, biting down on the tip of your tongue as you cringed at your own words. You hoped you weren’t coming on too strong, too desperate.

“I can speak on behalf of all of us when I say we’re incredibly lucky to have received your application.” He let out a small chuckle, taking in a breath as he got lost in thought for a moment. “As I’m sure you know, hiring qualified candidates has been a struggle for everyone as of late.”

“Yeah, that’s for sure.” You allowed yourself to let out a small laugh, keeping up small talk but eager for him to get to the point.

“I hope we didn’t take too long to reach out—if it were up to me, I would have hired you on the spot, but of course we had a few hoops to jump through first.” Your heart raced, your eyes sparkling as he continued to talk. “If you’re interested and still available, we’d like to extend the offer for you to join us here for the month of August. With no prior lecturing experience, it’s a little more difficult to give you the position immediately, but we’ve all come to the agreement it would be foolish of us to pass up the opportunity to bring in someone who’s so eager to learn.”

“And what exactly would that entail?” You swallowed hard, wanting to agree immediately but knowing it was best to take your time with it.

“Well, four weeks of training, which is as much for you as it is for us. You would be under a mentor, learning the basics and balance of such a fast paced program. It would give you an opportunity to learn the campus, learn about your colleagues at the same time, and it would also allow us to get to know you. It would be probationary, of course, but if at the end of the four week term we’re all on the same page, we could have you teaching an intro to literature course for the fall semester.”

Your mouth went dry, your palms clammy and your heart racing. You were too stunned to speak, so excited that you thought you might have to pinch yourself to pull yourself from a dream. You’d been waiting for a call for weeks, losing hope and more disappointment growing by the day. You barely expected a grade school to reach out, let alone a university.

Then, at the back of your mind, you heard it—loud and clear, and tantalizing.

“You’ll get a job, sunshine. I bet you ten bucks you’ll get a call tomorrow.”

He was right, and you struck him down as if he was speaking nonsense.

With Jake’s words of encouragement echoing in your mind, you pulled yourself out of your state of shock and nodded eagerly, even if the man on the other end of the phone could not see it.

“I would be delighted to join you, and even more so to prove that I’m the right person for the job.”

“Excellent.” He boomed, relived that you accepted the offer. “Why don’t you come down to campus on Friday. We can discuss some more details, really get into the specifics… expectations and salaries and such. Does that work for you?”

“Yes,” you breathed. “That’s perfect. Any time works.”

“Let’s say ten, and go from there?” He offered, clearly willing to work with you on the matter.

“Of course, ten is great. I’ll see you then.”

“I’ll be looking forward to it, Y/N. If you have any questions or concerns between now and then, please feel free to reach out to me. I’ve forwarded some information to the email you have on your resume, so you can respond there, or give me a call during business hours if that suits you better.” He explained, the rustling papers ceasing and the squeak of his chair no longer audible.

“Thank you for taking a chance on me, Bruce. I’ll be sure to reach out if I can think of anything.”

“Perfect, thank you. Goodbye for now, and we’ll talk on Friday.”

“See you Friday!” You let a little excitement slip, but he didn’t seem to notice or care as he ended the call. When the line disconnected, it left you staring at the Lock Screen of your phone with an unfamiliar feeling twisting your stomach.

You were nervous, but thrilled to have an opportunity like such. It was the biggest moment of your life, the most exciting change and the very thing you’d been waiting for. You were so filled with energy you could have run laps around the house, the few hours of sleep barely bothering you as you reran the conversation through your head a million times.

“Oh my god!” You exclaimed to yourself, quiet but still enough to express some of the joy you were feeling. Just as you did so, paws against the floor sounded and Ozz appeared in the doorway, happy to share your excitement and most definitely looking for someone to fill his food dish. He approached the couch, jumping up and landing on your legs as he began to purr. “I have a job, Ozz. I actually have a job!” You scratched behind his ear, knowing it was insane to share such sentiments with a cat, but unable to keep it locked up.

Then, the realization struck you; you had to tell people, share the great news and celebrate accordingly.

The only issue was, the first person that came to mind was not your best friend who lived the struggle with you, still sleeping upstairs and awaiting good news. It wasn’t your mother, there by your side every minute of every day of your life, cheering you on and holding your hand. It wasn’t your sister, and it wasn’t even your cat.

Jake was the only person in the whole world you wanted to share the news with.

Even if he should not be that person for you anymore, even if he didn’t care as much as the others would, you couldn’t bear to speak to anyone else but him. Telling someone else before him nearly sickened you, because after everything you had been through with him, he was the only person who deserved to know. He listened to you speak your dreams aloud from fifteen to now, studied with you, filled out university applications with you, and sent you off to school even when all you wanted to do was turn around, even if it hurt him so badly to do so. Even during the six years he was absent, there was a part of you that continued on solely because he was alive, existing at the same time as you somewhere in the world. His absence never had any effect on the support and love and encouragement he always gave to you.

So, you did exactly that; you clicked his contact, immediately drafting up a message and hitting send without thinking twice.

You

I have ten bucks here with your name on it, bug. I never could have done any of this without you. I love you more than you could ever know ❤️

You didn’t care if he responded, nor if he ever read it. It felt right to express the truth, freeing to be completely transparent with him. He deserved to know how much he meant to you, how his impact on you lasted through years of life, survived through every struggle, and existed in your heart even when he was not right in front of you. He was responsible for every good thing, every accomplishment and triumph you ever experienced, because his love made you into the person who stared back at you in the mirror. Loving Jake was never an option because without him, you wouldn’t be you.

Maybe, despite all of the doubt and uncertainty, the confusion and the hurt, the sun was shining again, for both of you. The world no longer had to be bleak, scary and lonely, because you finally knew where you were headed. Your feet, firmly planted on the ground for the first time in your entire life, no longer wanted to stay put in one place. Instead, they were begging to run towards the only thing in the world that ever felt like home, to run to him.

And maybe, just maybe, your wish upon a star was worth it this time, and the two of you could finally overcome the struggle and be together once again.

TAGLIST: @anythingforjtk @highway-tuna @klarxtr @hollyco @thetroublegetssoloud71 @ageofbajabule @dannys-dream @raceb14 @watchingover-hypegirl @starshine-gvf @do-it-jakey-baby @gretavansara @jakesbeloved @woyayaofdreams @jakeyt @kiszkas-canvas @gracev0609 @josh-iamyour-mama @musicspeaks @gretavangroupie @gretavanmoon @gvfmarge @takenbythemadness @fleetingjake

[its-time-to-write]

AH I've been waiting for requests to be open! i love love loveeee your writing!! I've been in dire need (if you feel like writing it lol) of reader comforting jamie after the locker room scene w his dad at wembley.. like maybe instead of roy hugging him the reader swoops in? you do you! thanks!! <3

Listened to 17 Pushing 24 by Sabrina Sterling while writing this. Highly recommend ✌️🥲

i know what i’m doing

Sometimes Jamie wonders if you two are attracted to each other due to your compelling need to take care of everything. 

It certainly was difficult at first, both of you with residual issues due to your upbringing. His as the only son of a single mother, yours as the oldest daughter of a large family. 

Those types of child-caretakers aren’t always compatible. Jamie’s much more lighthearted about the way he tries to control everything, and you’re more serious.

You’d think it would be easier, both of you taking care of each other, except for the small fact that neither of you were capable of accepting help from the other. 

It came to a head one evening when Jamie came home to you crying in the laundry room, overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the tasks you had yet to complete before going to bed. 

“Love, I can help you,” Jamie had said.

“No! It’s my laundry and my responsibility and you already have enough to do without me burdening you even more,” you replied before dissolving into more tears. 

So yeah, it was a whole thing. It involved therapy and everything.

But you’re moving past it. You’re both getting to a point where each of you can receive the same love that you’re giving, however strange it may feel. Jamie even let you stay home from work to take care of him when he was sick a couple weeks ago, something that was pretty much unheard of up to this point.

You’re channeling the need to control things in healthy ways, like having all of AFC Richmond over to Jamie’s giant house for potluck-style family dinners. Or hosting non-video game nights, where FIFA is strictly banned as a form of entertainment. Or themed outings where everyone had to dress as something that shared the first letter of their name and then go see a movie at the local theater. 

Stuff like that. 

You’re the brains, Jamie is the execution. You can see Isaac side-eyeing him a couple times, making mental notes about temporary captains in the event that he can’t play a match. 

Jamie’s gone from Richmond’s resident prick to Richmond’s resident morale-booster.

He comes home one evening with brighter eyes than normal.

“Babe,” he calls before he’s even in the door, “Coach said I can go back to being a prick again.”

“Ted said that?” you ask from your spot on the couch. You’re laying down length-wise with your legs dangling off the end.

“Fuck no,” Jamie replies, “Roy.”

“Oh,” you say as Jamie plops his bags down. You sit up a little so he can have a spot on the couch. He pats his lap so you lay back down, head on his thigh.

“Roy said that Ted fucked me up, so ‘when it’s appropriate’” (he uses air quotes) “I can be a prick to the other team.”

“That’s nice, babe,” you say, “but how do you know when to do that?”

Jamie shrugs. “Coach said he’d give me a signal. Don’t know what it is, though.”

You say, “hm,” then lapse into comfortable silence, Jamie’s hand running through your hair.

—

The prick signal worked so much better than you could have thought. It’s the best. You see Jamie go from playing defensively to being completely offensive, screwing with the other team’s heads. You scream and clap as he scores, while Keeley practically throttles you with joy.

Now it’s late after the game, and the lads are all over at Jamie’s. They’re absolutely exhausted, but buzzing with energy. It isn’t until about 1am that they disperse to the various guest bedrooms and pass out on top of each other. You catch a glimpse of Dani cuddling Jan Maas who’s asleep in a starfish position as Colin sneaks in to draw on their faces with sharpie. 

“Don’t tell anyone it was me,” he whispers. You zip your lips and head to the master bedroom and pretty much fall onto the right side of the bed.

Jamie comes in shortly after, saying something about Isaac telling a bedtime story. He burrows under the covers and you quietly shriek because he’s placed his ice-cold hands on your ribcage.

“How are you so cold?” you whisper.

Jamie shrugs sleepily. “Dunno,” he whispers back. “Got ice in my veins, I guess.”

You smile. “You’re tired, aren’t you babe?”

Jamie shakes his head and stifles a yawn. “Nah, ain’t tired. Thinkin’ about our match against Man City.”

He says it casually. Too casually.

You see, both you and Jamie have this thing where the more nonchalantly you say something, the more important it is.

You prop yourself up a bit so you can face him and scratch his head. He sighs and leans in.

“You nervous?” you ask.

Jamie shakes his head. “Not to see the team. Lookin’ forward to seeing Pep. It’s just…” he trails off.

You whisper, “Yeah. I know. Whatever happens, I’m here. Don’t forget that. I’m here no matter what.”

Jamie says, “hm,” and then he’s asleep.

—

You’re running. 

You’re running faster than any of the boys on the pitch had run the entire match, and you’re pushing past people in a way that Keeley would later describe as “absolutely fucking feral.”

It happened like this:

The game was over. Richmond lost to Man City.

You were on your way to see Jamie and the rest of the team.

You were, maybe, three floors away? when Rebecca got a text from Ted, showed it to you, and before you knew it you were flying down to the guest locker room to find Jamie.

Of course his dick father would show up to make this day worse. Of course he would.

You’re ducking under security and pushing your way to the locker room in a flurry of motion, then immediately stop.

It’s silent, absolutely silent. 

And so still.

No one moves a muscle as your eyes land on Jamie, clinging to Roy like he’s a lifeline. Roy. Roy Kent, self-proclaimed Jamie-hater and staunch advocate against physical touch.

Jamie’s eyes are squeezed shut, but they flutter open at the sound of your tentative footsteps. He lets go of Roy for a moment, but only so that you can grab him in the next.

“Right,” says Roy, “Everybody get the fuck out!”

There are no complaints as the lads hurriedly grab their bags and exit the locker room.

Roy nods in your direction before leaving, and Beard mouths, “take your time.” You’re not sure where Ted’s gone off to.

Jamie feels like he’s going to collapse if he stands any longer, crushing you in the strongest grip you’ve ever felt.

“Oi,” you say gently, “let’s sit down, yeah? You don’t have to let go.”

So now you’re on the bench in Jamie’s lap, scratching his head in the way he likes, waiting for him to break the silence.

“Fucking stupid,” he says, voice muffled.

You ask, “What?” because surely that can’t be what he just said.

“I said it’s fucking stupid,” Jamie says, refusing to meet your eyes. “I’m a fucking adult. Don’t need to be crying about stupid shit, especially not in front of the lads.”

“Oh, right,” you say before you can stop yourself, “because crying after your dick father tried to swing at you when you set boundaries for the first time ever is a completely unreasonable response.”

Jamie is still in your arms and you cringe. Curse your stupid, logical tongue.

Jamie finally says, “Didn’t think about it like that.” He sighs. “It’s just fuckin’ embarrassing, innit? Him showing up here like that. Didn’t need the lads seeing that.”

You kiss his forehead. 

“The only person it’s embarrassing for is him. Not you. You’re absolutely fine, Jaim. If anything, the boys are going to look at you better for finally understanding the shit you had to grow up with.”

Jamie nods, but you’re not sure if he believes you.

“Jamie,” you say firmly, “It’s not your fault. You handled it the best way it could have been handled. You did a great job.”

Those words seem to do something to Jamie, and his face takes on an expression you’ve never seen before

He asks, “You think so?” in such a forlorn manner than you have the sudden urge to find James Tartt and kick him in the balls with steel-toed shoes. You briefly wonder if Roy and Beard would like to join you.

“Yes,” you reply forcefully, “Yes Jamie. You did a wonderful job in a shitty situation and I’m very, very proud of you.”

Jamie doesn’t reply, just holds you tighter if that’s even possible. He takes a deep shuddering breath, but it’s the first real one he’s taken this entire time. 

“I told you I’m here no matter what,” you say. “Just like all the times you’ve been here for me. Now I’m here for you.”

[eu-nicola]

Beyond Friendship - Percy Jackson x Reader

summary: In a journey of years, you and Percy discover that your connection goes beyond friendship.

warnings: without ( maybe clarify that I don't like what I wrote )

thanks to @lady-ashfade for the amazing divider

You and Percy were in front of the mysterious Oracle of Delphi. With determination in their eyes, they decided to accept this journey so that no one else would have to go through any danger. You didn't imagine that such a mission would ever be given to you, but you were still willing to do your best to emerge victorious.

Not even a week had passed that you and Percy had already set out on the path for this task, you certainly still had a long way to go but with Percy by your side things became easier for you.

“Do you think we're ready for this?” Percy asked you.

“Yes, I believe it, we are children of our Gods and that makes us stronger and more intelligent, that's what my mother always tells me.” You answered him while you settled on a couch in a hotel that your mother had arranged for you to get to.

“Have you always been close to your mother?”

“As far back as I can remember, she claims me from the first minute i arrived at the camp. I felt honored to be her daughter.”

“I'm glad that at least one is close to a God.” While Percy was saying all this you could tell how he really wanted to be close to his father.

“The gods act in strange ways, don't worry, I'm sure your father wants the same thing, it's just difficult.”

"I guess so".

"Percy, you know we should start planning what we're going to do." You asked him.

“Yes, well, I haven't thought about it much. Do you have any idea?".

“Maybe we should go to the temple of Athena, there is a hidden library there.” Said.

“That sounds good but now I want to sleep, rest.” After that you and Percy fell asleep as fast as you could.

As the days went by and you investigated the clues, you and Percy without realizing it became closer and every time you spent time together you got along better. Percy's bravery and cunning complemented perfectly with your beauty and insight.

In every dangerous situation both found themselves in, supported each other, trusting in yours abilities and the special connection they had discovered. Together, they overcame obstacles, faced mythological creatures, and challenged powerful enemies trying to stop them.

With each step they took, the enigma slowly unraveled. You and Percy discovered that the Oracle of Delphi held dark secrets that threatened the fate of the demigods and the balance of the world.

Armed with their bravery and determination, they faced the powerful enemies that protected the Oracle. They no longer seemed like just two children but rather young people willing to do whatever was necessary to protect their loved ones.

This journey had lasted for years where you had made new friends and new people had joined you in the same situation, in that time you and Percy realized how much you had learned from each other. Their connection had grown into something more than friendship.

Together, they continued to face challenges and celebrate each achievement. Their connection grew even stronger, becoming an inseparable team. At the end of your journey, you and Percy had completed everything and solved the riddle, which had taken you down difficult but never impossible paths.

When they finally returned to Camp Half-Blood, their names were already echoing throughout the camp and even Olympus, for now everything was at peace and they hoped it would stay that way.

[freesia-writes]

Okay I have a request 😌

"someone's hair ending up getting caught in the others glasses/jewelry" with Tech ❤️

Hah! This one is a twofer! Requested by you as well as @littlemissmanga. What good taste you both have! ;) Thanks so much for the request; I love writing our dear sweet Tech! Also, adorable reblog divider artwork down below by @vimse!

Tech x GN!Reader Word Count: 1.6k

Tech’s breath caught in his throat. He swallowed hard, furrowing his brow and analyzing the components of the current situation. You’d been working together for quite a while now, and it had been increasingly difficult for him to compartmentalize or deny the feelings you created simply with your proximity, your thoughts, and your humor. Now, crammed in the maintenance corridor with barely a few inches between you, he was nearly overcome with the rush of sensations that were occurring. 

Your face was scrunched in your look of intense focus that he’d noted as remarkably endearing. The wires and conduits normally held his full attention, but as he stood in the narrow space with his shoulder brushing against yours, he was struggling to focus on the task at hand. There was a light fragrance that he could just barely catch a whiff of, and it was as alluring as it was pleasant. The sound of your muttering gave him a warm and fuzzy feeling in his chest, and as a small shower of sparks cascaded from your soldering hands, he felt the same in his stomach. 

Pausing in your work, you lifted the face mask above your head, regarding him with fond curiosity. His owlish eyes seemed even larger than normal, and he had been uncharacteristically quiet this time around. You were slightly concerned, and also somewhat humored as you realized you honestly missed his steady stream of information shared while working, whether it pertained to the current assignment or not. 

“Everything alright?” you asked, shifting slightly to ease the soreness where one durasteel panel had been digging into your shoulder as you’d hunched over the circuitry. His eyes flitted to yours before returning to the wires, although they didn’t seem to be focused. 

“Ah… yes,” Tech said after a pause, clearing his throat and pointing vaguely at the work area. “The adjustments so far appear to have been in order, and the final few steps shall complete it satisfactorily.” 

You smiled, tilting your head but accidentally banging the bulky face cover into the panel. You pulled it off your head for a moment, sliding your arm down the narrow space and dropping it near your feet. “I meant with you,” you clarified, reaching out to touch his arm. He wasn’t watching, and he visibly jumped at the touch, causing you to pull your hand back apologetically. You hadn’t complained when he insisted on joining you for the repairs, and the fact that he’d foregone his full armor kit in favor of his blacks had been quite the perk. It made it easier for you to steal glances at his toned physique from behind the dark lens of your protective gear, and the “accidental” brushes against one another felt ten times more enthralling without the bulky plastoid between you. 

“I am also in satisfactory working order,” he replied pertly, and you chuckled at the quick reply. 

“You’re unusually quiet,” you pointed out. “It feels weird without your informational accompaniment.”

“Apologies,” Tech answered, still refusing to meet your gaze. “A numerous variety of concerns are vying for my attention and while I am able to entertain many simultaneously, there appear to be significantly more than usual.” 

“What’s on your mind?” you asked, squeezing yourself a little closer. You loved the chance to hear him open up a little. He spoke often of anything and everything in the galaxy, but spoke little of his internal world. When he did let you in, it was enthralling and enchanting, always leaving you wanting more. But you didn’t want to press, so you waited and watched for the occasions where he was willing to respond to your invitation to vulnerability. 

“I have no wish to burden you as well.”

“Tech,” you said softly, touching his arm again but leaving your hand on it this time. His golden eyes finally lifted to yours, sending a thrill down your spine. His mouth was in a thin line as you continued, “It’s not a burden… I really enjoy hearing your thoughts.” You were always soft with him, but something about this sudden fragility made you want to cup his face in your hands and whisper affirmation and affection. You’d long since stuffed down your little crush on him, realizing it wasn’t something he would ever reciprocate and therefore would only lead to disappointment. But you still took whatever you could get, relishing any sense of closeness with the intelligent engineer. 

“While I am appreciative of your desire to be supportive and attentive,” he began, awkwardly fidgeting with his hands at his sides, “I would prefer to have them a bit more organized before sharing.”

Now you were really curious. And equally obligated to respect his privacy and wishes. But somehow it made your heart yearn even more. Whatever this was, this moment of being suddenly off-balance, it felt like the space between you was electrically charged… And the magnetic pull you felt toward him was amplified beyond anything you’d felt before. 

“I understand,” you said, idly brushing your thumb back and forth across his forearm as you looked at his gloved hands. You edged a little closer, drawn in by the way he studied you with a new curiosity, as though there were a new facet he’d just discovered that he was eager to explore. He was simultaneously alluring and cautious, and you were thoroughly hooked. “Does this bother you?” you asked, nodding toward your hand on his arm. 

“No.”

A small smile ghosted across your face and you hummed contentedly in response. An invisible force was pushing you, encouraging you on, and you looked back up to his face, turning slightly in the narrow corridor to face him fully. Clearly and slowly, so he could stop you at any moment, you lifted your other hand to his cheek, trying to steady your shaking fingers as you brushed the backs of them across it before opening them to stroke it with your thumb. He was frozen in place, eyes now moving rapidly from yours to the ground to the wires to anything and everything else he could spot. 

“Does this?” you whispered, irresistibly leaning in a little closer. 

“No,” he breathed, closing his eyes in an attempt to focus his swirling mind. It was a shockingly new sensation that felt like it deserved significant time and attention to process appropriately, and yet he found himself simply wanting to commit it all to memory, to be fully present and soak it all up. The vulnerability on his dashing features made your heart swell in your chest, and you continued on, propelled by the momentum and the thrill of it all. 

You left your hand on his cheek, breathing through your mouth as you tilted your head and lightly rested your forehead on his. His sharp inhale was the only response, and he left his eyes closed. It hit you like a ton of bricks suddenly – he trusted you. For someone who always had as complete an understanding of any situation as could be attained, he was wildly out of his element here. Yet he wasn’t frantically searching for the right answer or trying to escape, and you were thoroughly enamored. 

He kissed you. 

Tingles washed over you from head to toe and it took you a second to realize what was happening. With a quick tip of his chin, his lips had met yours, pressing gently and precariously. You snaked an arm around his waist, lightly resting it on his hips, and snuggled a little closer, never wanting it to end. You were both uncomfortably cramped, shifting around each other in attempts to get arms and legs more comfortably nestled together, but it was fruitless. 

When he finally did pull away, taking an immediate deep breath, your absolute bliss was interrupted by a sharp tug on your head. You gasped as he made his own sound of surprised distaste, and you peered through your hair to see his goggles crooked on his face. He was trying to get his arms up to his own face, impeded by both your body and the wiring panels, and you unsuccessfully tried to suppress a chuckle as you realized what was going on. The small instrument on the side of his goggles had somehow snagged a decently-sized chunk of your hair, and the slightest of motions the two of you had made together had thoroughly tangled them together.

“Oh my gosh,” you laughed, flushed with excitement and embarrassment and everything else all at once. “Sorry… Here, let me get my…” you drifted off, trying to get your own hands to your head for an assist. Somehow that made things worse, and you accidentally smacked his wrist against his goggles, pushing them further to the side and jabbing them into his nose. 

“This is not ideal,” Tech muttered, attempting to unwind the hairs warped around the tiny space between the goggle strap and the recorder. His fruitless endeavor finally led him to pull the goggles off completely, giving you the freedom to stand up straight again. You rubbed the back of your neck, heart still fluttering in your chest as you smiled at his peevish squint. 

“Not ideal, no,” you agreed, reaching a hand over his to free the goggles from your hair. “But certainly memorable.” 

“I posit that it would have been memorable with or without the unnecessarily distracting interruption,” he said, taking his goggles from your outstretched hand and pulling them back into place. As he blinked at you with a mixture of embarrassment and uncertainty, you diffused the situation with a comical little eyebrow waggle. 

“Why don’t we test that theory?”

[starsetven]

What would it be like to be roommates with the boys? I imagine it would be easier for Link to give MC healthy food skdjsjs

If you were roommates:

Vic

Once vic was comfortable enough, he’d stop cleaning his personal space. His room would be cluttered with piles upon piles of a combination of clean and dirty laundry. He’d do his best to keep his messes in the communal spaces tidy, but he’s a pretty big offender for leaving dirty dishes in the sink and plastic wrapper trash for his protein shakes on the countertops. He would be a very messy roommate.

More under the cut:

Aside from his messy habits, he’d be pretty helpful in other aspects of your life- like setting up your internet connection to never have advertisements!

He’d arrange your setup to provide you high speed internet access too! You’d have access to whatever you wanted to watch completely ad free. You’d be free to browse the web ad free too!

If you were ever having any trouble with your tech, he’ll fix it in a cinch! :^)

Vic may pop into your room at night and ask if you’re open to hanging out. He doesn’t sleep well by himself, so vic would probably spend a lot more time in your room, rather than his own. Even if that meant crashing on your floor. He’s desperate to be around you.

He just finds your presence soothing.

Vic pays your rent in full. It’s as if you’re a couple! So everyone thinks anyways on account of how close Vic behaves with you.

Everyone in the neighborhood is seen as a threat, so vic makes it absolutely obvious to anyone in the surrounding area that he’s yours. And you’re his.

Avery

Your apartment is now a craft store.

Avery keeps yards of fabric on a rack in the apartment, along with dozens of plastic drawers filled to the brim with sewing supplies.

Since Avery does cosplay commissions, he has to bring his workspace to your apartment.

They’re very tidy, so they make sure to never leave their supplies lying about the apartment when they’re not in use!

Peppa is the messiest contribution to the apartment.

Avery would host weekly movie nights, catering for the little event with their finest snacks and treats!they’d put that baking course to use just for you. They’d wanna binge watch all their favorite anime’s with you, or bad reality shows that were horribly produced. Anything would be good, because ultimately he’s just happy to spend time with you.

Miku decorations. Everywhere he can get away with. Miku shower curtains, Miku posters, Miku figures- they would play a lot of her music while working on the latest commission.

Grimes oblivion Miku cover on loop x10

Considering their gourmet snacks, you’d be eating very well. Whatever your heart desires, Avery would whip it up in the kitchen. They’d share whatever they made, always ensuring there were extras for you to eat. The apartment would always smell of hints of cinnamon and sugar.

Sometimes Avery’s behind on their rent, but only because of poor tipping nights. :(

He bounces back pretty quickly whenever they open new commissions slots.



Tyler

You wouldn’t see him much, rather he wouldn’t be home most days.

Tyler is an incredibly independent person, so getting him to agree to be your roommate would be very difficult in the first place.

Once living together, it’s as if you never had a roommate. His room would be so barren anyone who’d visit would mistake his room for a guest room. You could even use it at such, since he’s hardly home. Tyler isn’t a materialistic person, so he hardly has many clothes. What he does possess is a basic outfit to change in and out of, and a spare set for when it needs to be washed.

On the rare chance he is spending the night, not a sound omits from his bedroom. Tyler holds up in his room until he’s sure you’re asleep, and only then will he feel comfortable enough doing basic survival tasks such as eating and showering.

Tyler is extremely tidy, leaving no trace behind. He ensures to keep his room clean despite never really using it. The only space he actually would utilize would be the air vents.

He pays rent on time, never makes a peep, and makes himself scarce. The ideal roommate.

Link

Link would absolutely encourage you to join him for meals as your roommate, offering healthy alternatives to your favorite dishes. If you were set on eating takeout, he’d relent occasionally on the condition you ate something green with your meal.

There’d be lots of books moved into your shared apartment. Link owns a small library’s worth in books, so chances are he’d fill your shared home with hundreds of copies of various titles. He’d especially pride himself on his non fiction section.

Link does a bit of gardening, so his green thumb would be ever so present in your shared home. He’d grow all of your favorite flowers, ensuring your home was blooming annually every season.

At the end of a long day, link enjoys unwinding in your living room. He enjoys listening to records on his gramophone with a hot cup of jasmine tea.

If you leave your door unlocked at night, he can’t help himself from laying in the empty spot next to you, watching your sleeping form until sunrise. How could he sleep when you were right there? Your peaceful sleeping face was mesmerizing, the sounds of your breathing- your swirling scent that flooded his senses- your soft skin that glided underneath his fingertips. You, You, You!!

Your things would turn up missing. Mostly miscellaneous things, like forgotten jewelry, old pairs of underwear, and some of your nearly empty deodorant containers or your cologne/perfume bottles.

Good luck finding your things. He’s very organized. :)

Link never misses a payment, he always pays in full.

The neighbors are starting to complain about the overgrowth from your home.. and that smell.. it’s strong, as much as it is disorienting. Link enjoys growing various plants of different shapes and sizes. One of them must be omitting that putrid smell.

[ihavetoomanyocsdealwithit]

Stone Heart AU: Scar pt IV

The spell itself isn’t difficult. It’s ensuring whoever breaks out doesn’t let loose havoc and will remain inside Ramshackle. Professor Taka says that he’s really not really concerned, being 7 petrified statues gives you a lot of time to talk together, and Ramshackle is the only place where the old magic is stable enough to hold their forms. He’s little more than a ghost once he steps past the gate.  

“The Headmaster at the time acquired our statues around 200 years ago. Plenty of time to get to know somebody.” He says, lounging back on one of the porch chairs and flipping through a book. “But if you want my advice for your training, I would go with Mary next. She would add a good balance.”  

“Mary?”  

“Queen of Hearts. Mary Elizabeth Heart.” he states, glancing up. He knows that it probably should have started with her. Mary had softened considerably in her time, seeing her children grow and their children, and so on, until Riddle Rosehearts came about and went and made the same mistakes. She had bemoaned and wept when he walked through main street red eyed and shaking from his Overblot. The very thing that had led to not just her ‘death’ but the loss of her husband years previous.  

She would have treated Yuu more like a daughter, being more compassionate in sessions and probably more patient. She was good at that sort of thing, so long as you followed the rules and weren’t a complete ass. He did enjoy poking at her until she exploded though. He had to entertain himself somehow!  

Perhaps though, the cub needed him first. Somebody who was firm and deliberate, but yielding. He pushed to the limits of what she had and then some, but the way she thrived under the smallest praise...well, it was concerning and rewarding. When he could see her get past the fear and hesitation and breathe through it to accomplish the step or visualize the spell, that's where she shined like the sunrise over Pride Rock. 

And after all the shit that she had been put through, she needed rewards and praise. She had the drive to do better, the ambition, the fortitude. She had everything she needed to be a warrior. She just needed somebody who treated her exactly what she was.  

A cub. A child. Somebody who still needed guidance and not to be tossed about in danger or left to deal with it alone with other children.  

“Professor, you ok? Your face looks pinched. Tense? Tense.”  

“Just an irritating thought, don’t mind it.” He waved a hand, “Breaks over, sunshine. Go through your stances again, get your knees higher. Your power comes from the thrust of your hips, the more leverage the better. And land on the balls of your feet, you’ll land softer and help with future spells. Take it slow if you must, but do it correctly.” 

“Yes sir!”  

She never complained about a single task, even if she asked him to explain in a different way, or if it took her a few days to get it right. He could see her get tired, limbs shaking with exertion, and still say nothing.  

Grimhilde might be the one to teach her how to speak for herself. Maybe her instead? But her magical core is too much for her to support right now.  

Although...perhaps if they were able to bring in the familiars? Less magic to support, same mindset, easier on her core, natural support. He would discuss as much with the others tonight, while she slept.  

Sometimes he wished that Shenzi and her husbands had been considered familiars. But they weren’t subservient to him nor soul bonded, not like Diaval or Crovis or even Iago. He would not wish them to be. But it was something that him and Ursula had bonded over, their love and pain of their long lost friends.  

When he assured himself that she was asleep, he left the Ramshackle. It was a strange feeling still. Inside Ramshackle, he was tangible. He was able to touch objects, move her hands into the correct position and so on. Once he stepped out though, he was as faded as the damn smoke that trailed behind him, not even able to move the leaves on the ground he walked on. A ghost perhaps? Closest thing perhaps. It didn’t matter as much, as he had never encountered any beings, not even Malleus. The dragon may actually be able to see him with his core.  

He agreed with Maleficent though. The patterns were obvious enough. The children that corresponded the closest with themselves were the ones overblotting. He would bet his last coin that Malleus would Overblot at some point, it was only a matter of when.  

He steps onto Mainstreet and slides down the base of his statue, and closes his eyes.  

He had sunk into this spot so often that the vaccum of magic feels like a comfort now. It existed, but it didn’t. Accessible but only when all were in true agreement. There was a reason that it had taken them years upon years to try and break free, and even then, the little monster was not considred a resounding success.  

“How fairs the child?” Grimhilde asks. All of their forms slip and morph in this space, but for now, she looks in her prime. Tall, regal and vaguely haughty.  

“She fairs well. Her lessons are successful and she’s a diligent student. I hold concern for her food and sleep, but until I can hold any sort of solid form to address the damn headmage myself, we are at a loss there. I hunt when she is at school at least, though it is sparing. We can’t attract too much attention.”  

“She seems invigorated. Tired, but she’s got a brighter look in her eyes. Floyd, precious little thing, he’s getting curious,” Ursula praises, also taken to her prime form. “But you didn’t come just to give a progress report. What’s the deal?”  

He huffs, “Oh, I can’t miss my dear friends?” 

“Oh on with it kitty kitty,” Hades, damn the crawler, though at least he has taken an older form. “You’ve got some idea; you settle in somewhere about as well as snakeskin does.”  

There's a hiss beside him, a snifting of scales. Ah, seems that Jamil did something to unsettle him again. They were far to alike in history and personality, especially at this age.  

“We all know it will take years for her to be ready to take on those of us with stronger magical cores at this rate. I’m not saying speed up the process and put her in danger,” he pointedly says to Mary, who opens her mouth, “But perhaps something like microdosing. For those who still have their familiars, it would be much easier to manage them, as opposed to the originals.”  

There’s a pulse, ripples above that show there is thought, emotion, activity, but whos and where are completely lost. Only intensity.  

“And for those of us that don’t?” Mary asks, fanning herself. She was like himself and Ursula, no familar.  

“Items of Imbuement I think. I don’t know what each of you have, nor the enchantments upon them. I think she could be ready for simple Grimoire’s in half a years' time, maybe a bit less.” He sighs, waving a hand between Ursula, Jafar and Grimhilde. “I am more concerned with getting a safer means for the precognition dreams. The mirror works well, but she can’t control what it shows or where it goes. There is a guardian inside, but whatever the damn thing is, it is a being of Light. I can’t tell you who or what it is.”  

“Has it been lending the visions to her?” Jafar mumbles, the sound of pages ruffling.  

“I can’t be sure. It hasn’t hurt her, and she tells me that it speaks rarely. High pitched voice, but some sort of beastman she thinks. Large round ears on the top of his head is the only real distinguishing mark on him.”  

“We will have to continue this another time,” Malifient annouces, “Morning is drawing near for you. We will speak to our familars and see who would be prepared to part, and what materials. Is there room in the dorm to hold them?” 

“Plenty.” Scar stands, leaning heavily on his staff. “The place is decrepit, but the east wing at least stands strong and insulated. Around 12 rooms, give or take. Mine faces the sunrise.” He purrs, knowing he got the best room in the place.  

They make their remarks, some of the usual banter, but truly, it’s only three that would be able to lend any familiars, the rest would be enchanted items. It’s rough, but doable.  

The sun peeks out just as he stumbles on his staff trying to rise. The smoke evaporates in the warmth of the sun and his vision becomes spotty. Far past time, he might not make it back before students start- 

He blinks, facing the graveyard. He’s in his room, plopped onto the plush chair. Solid again too, the fabric indented with his claws. Huh. Well, that’s interesting, isn’t it?  

“Professor Taka?” Yuu is already awake of course, tying the silk into a proper tie. “Did you fall asleep in your chair? I know you like looking at the stars but it’s not good for your back, you know.”  

He smiles, rising from it. “Worried about me? How cute. I suppose I could be more cautious in the future." He feels vaguely weak when he rises, but not too bad. "Go finish getting ready, I’ll make breakfast.”  

“Are you actually going to cook it though? The meat was still bleeding last time.”  

“Little runt.” he clips, tugging on a lock of hair, “Yes, I’ll cook it through, and it will lose all the flavoring because your little herbivore stomach can’t handle anything delicious.”  

They banter about seasoning and recipes, gives a sneaky pet to Grim behind the ears as he blearily eats, and they rush out the door, leaving him in the blissful quiet.  

Finally. He needs a nap.  

[clu-ven]

"I'm so tired..." Prompt with Captain Rex

word count: 3.2k

summary: Rex needs some goddamn sleep

-> mainly SFW with vague indications to anything spicier <-

You get used to the late nights and early mornings, everyone does. 

When you spend a lot of time going from planet to planet, it gets hard to differentiate between what’s supposed to be night and day, each rotation merging together. No matter the time, space always looks the same and with the different time zones you frequent, it’s no surprise that you’re still wide awake in what’s supposed to be the middle of the night.

It’s not just you that suffers from this, though the clones usually have their hands full with their shifts, too busy to notice their odd sleep schedules. 

So sitting at one of the desks in a quieter part of the ship, working away on some overdue paperwork while Captain Rex fills out a mission report across the room isn’t too unusual. If anything, the only thing that's unusual is how quiet it is.

Normally there’s more clones roaming around, all working on their own  reports at the individual desks scattered around the room but tonight, it’s almost empty, with just you and the Captain present.

When Rex first entered, he greeted you with a weary smile before hunkering down with his work. It’s a rare occurrence to have some alone time with the Captain, even if neither of you are doing much talking. Thankfully, the silence that hangs in the room is a comfortable one, soothing compared to the loud blasts of the battlefield or constant chatter of the mesh hall. 

Every once in a while, your eyes leave the reports you're filling out and trail over to Rex, a smile lingering on your lips as you watch him, deep in thought. 

Like always, he’s still fully suited, his helmet placed casually on the side of the desk. It must be uncomfortable to sit there for so long in his armour, though you doubt Rex cares. He’s a man who’s always ready for action, hating the idea of wasting precious time on putting his armour on. He sits hunched over his work, completely engrossed by it with one of his arms propping up his head, hand leaning against his forehead.

Rex is like a statue with his eyes glued to the holopad in front of him. His brow is creased, deep lines running across his face as he puts all of his attention into his work. 

…Work…

Damn, you need to concentrate on your work too but that’s easier said than done.

It’s a difficult task to get back into work mode but you keep your head down and at least try to fill out a few more sections of paperwork. The good thing about doing some administration so late at night is that it’s sure to make you sleepy… eventually. The mundane task is bound to make anyone want to fall asleep or it’ll at least make anyone rethink every life choice that has led them to this moment. 

Even Rex must find it boring. You’re tempted to call out to him, say some witty line about how this makes cleaning the gunships look fun but you stop yourself, not wanting to intrude or interrupt his train of thought. You don’t even look up, knowing that if you glance his way again then you’ll get no work done, your mind wandering to other places.

Kriff, even without seeing Rex and just knowing he’s nearby is enough to distract you. You blink a few times in the hopes of pushing these thoughts out of your head and focus solely on the work in front of you. But it’s no use, you’ve lost all motivation to even finish the last sentence you’ve begun. You can’t bring yourself to do it, your brain completely shutting down at the thoughts of writing a single word more. Honestly, you’re too drained to deal with it now anyways and it can always wait until tomorrow.

Shutting down your holopad and clearing up your paperwork, an unfamiliar sound comes from the other side of the room. For a moment, you freeze, trying to process what the hell the sound could be. 

Was it a snort? Well, definitely not one from laughter, it was too quiet. Maybe it was a hum from the ship… though you think you would have recognised the sound if it was.��

An array of different possibilities flood your mind and just as you look up, opening your mouth to ask Rex if he heard it too, you realise what… or who the source of the sound was. 

With his hand still pressed against his forehead, keeping his head from smacking against the desk, Rex snores again. You can’t believe it. Is he actually asleep? 

Slowly pushing out from your chair, you stand to get a better look at him. His holopad is still on, showing a half filled out mission report. You don’t try to hide the soft smile that tugs at your lips, it’s not like he’s going to see it. Peering over at him, you realise Rex is undeniably asleep, even letting out another snore to confirm it. 

Being as quiet as possible, you tip-toe closer to him until you're beside his sleeping frame. Keeping your voice a mere whisper, you stoop down beside him “Rex?”. He doesn’t respond besides a small twitch of his nose. 

A part of you doesn’t want to wake him. For the most part, Rex looks peaceful when he sleeps except for the occasional crease of his brow, as though he’s still thinking about the work in front of him.

If it was the best option then you’d probably leave him here, perhaps turn off the light and find somewhere else to do your own work, giving Rex as much peace and quiet to rest as possible. But looking at the position he’s in and the way his armour seems to dig into him, you conclude the best course of action is to wake Rex and get him into a proper bed for the night…. Or for the next few hours until the morning briefing.

Placing your hand gently on his shoulder, you try again. “Rex” you drawl out, this time a little bit louder as you nudge him. His eyes screw closed for a second before he wakes with a start, immediately sitting up right as if he got caught sleeping on the battlefield. 

“Wha- what’s happening?” He blurts out, scanning the room with urgency.

“It’s ok, it’s ok,” you assure him, keeping your hand on his shoulder “you just fell asleep, that’s all”. Realising it’s just the two of you, Rex relaxes under your touch. 

Breathing easily, he slumps back in his chair, thankful you’re the one who caught him sleeping. “I’m sorry,” he apologises, rubbing one of his eyes as he mutters more to himself than to you “I’m so tired…”.

It’s as if you can feel him tugging at your heartstrings. The Captain always has so much to do, report after report, constantly trying to keep the others in check. You doubt Rex ever has enough time to get a proper night’s sleep. 

“C’mon Captain,” you stand “time for bed”.

Still groggy from sleep, it takes a second for Rex to process your words “Hm? No, no I can’t. Just uh, just let me finish this report” he tries his best to sound authoritative and fully in control but the yawn he finishes his sentence with says otherwise. 

“Captain” you sigh, a sympathetic but stern look crossing your face.

Rex tilts his head as he looks at you, still rooted in his seat. “Don’t give me that look,” he groans “I’ll be done with this report in no time”. You don’t change your expression, knowing that not even Rex himself believes he’ll finish this report anytime soon.

It only takes a few more moments for Rex to crack, averting his gaze as he mumbles “Fine, I guess I can finish it in the morning”. Putting both of his hands flat on the table, he stands with a huff.

He doesn’t protest when you pick up his helmet and lead him out of the room, guiding him through the quiet corridors and passing the various sleeping quarters until you get to his.

Reaching the door to his quarters, it takes Rex a very drawn out minute to punch in the code. He grumbles under his breath as he does, blinking hard in an attempt to keep his eyes open and focused on the keypad. You stay quiet, not wanting to distract him and instead you let Rex take on the dreaded keypad on his own. 

With the keypad’s beep of approval, Rex sighs in relief when the door begins to move.

The heavy metal door effortlessly glides to the side, revealing Rex’s compact room. It’s not exactly what you were expecting, the room being pretty cramped even though there’s hardly any furniture inside. Sure, there’s a sink and mirror so Rex doesn’t have to shave with the others, a small trunk presumably for his extra set of blacks as well as a bed that’s built into one of the walls and spanning the width of the confined room. Yet it doesn’t seem like enough.

Slowly wandering into the room, Rex glances behind him to make sure you follow him inside. Rex deserves a much bigger room than this, kriff, most of the clones do but you always thought his quarters would be bigger since he’s the Captain. But you don’t turn your nose up at the room, finding it quaint and liking its closeness. As you put Rex’s helmet on top of the trunk, he sits down on his bed. 

“Thank you… for well, for forcing me to get some sleep” he chuckles softly, his eyes crinkling.

“Anytime Captain, I’ll see you in the morning” with the bow of your head you turn to leave his quarters. You nearly make it out of his room when a thud sound causes you to stop and look back. With his eyes already shut, Rex has flopped down onto his bed, his legs dangling off the side and his armour still on. 

You sigh to yourself and turn back around to face him, making your way back over to the drowsy captain. “Rex,” you say softly, nudging him yet again “you know you shouldn’t sleep in your armour”.

While your main goal is to get Rex to sleep for a few hours, you didn’t mean in his armour. You’ve heard enough complaints from the likes of Hardcase and Jesse to know that even napping in full armour can cause a few sore muscles and lingering knots. 

Rex opens one of his eyes, gazing up at you but making no attempt to move. “Am I dreaming?” He asks, mouth half muffled by his pillow. Putting both hands on his torso, you try to gently pull him back up to a seated position. 

“You never know,” you tease “maybe this is a nightmare”.

Rex smiles to himself as you hoist him upright, knowing that couldn’t be the case. “But this can’t be a nightmare if you’re here” he shrugs, stating it as if it’s fact.

You’re taken aback by his words but you try not to show it. Rex could have meant a million different things by that or he mightn’t have meant anything at all, simply the incoherent ramblings of someone on the verge of sheer exhaustion. But deep down, no matter how much you try to deny it to yourself, you wish it means something. 

“Well, luckily for you it’s neither,” you force a smile, pushing those emerging emotions and desires deep down “you’re just tired beyond belief”.

Rex hums in relief as you work on getting his pauldron off. He savours your touch as your fingers brush against his blacks, fiddling with the ties of the armour.

This isn’t a situation Rex has ever found himself in. No one has ever taken off his armour for him with such care. He wants to watch you but Rex opts to keep his head down, instead focusing on the sensation alone as you remove his pauldron and start on his chestplate next.

Breaking the silence, you tease him again “I swear Captain, you better stay here and get some rest or else you’ll have an incident report to fill out”.

“Is that a threat?” He questions, though you can tell he’s not serious by his tone. You scoff, shaking your head but your smile remains bright “No, it’s a promise, Captain”.

Rex chuckles, shaking his head slightly. He’s thankful for you, someone who doesn’t treat him like he’s just a number and willing to joke around with him from time to time, not always falling into the professional role of the GAR. 

You treat him like a friend and sometimes, Rex wonders if that’s how you see him. Not as a colleague or a Captain, but as a friend you could turn to in times of need, that you could always rely on to make you smile or listen to your problems. Maybe that’s why Rex’s chest always seems to grow tight when you’re around or why he always scans an area to see if you're near, hoping to spot you in the crowd. He nods to himself, determining that’s why.

“You ok, Rex?” You ask, dropping more pieces of his armour to the side of his bed.

He looks utterly exhausted and you’re sure you can hear his brain clocking into overtime. With tired eyes, Rex is quick to assure you “I’m alright, just have a lot on my mind”.

“Is it that mission report?” your voice is so soothing to him. Even at the mention of the half complete mission report, Rex doesn’t feel an ounce of stress, too busy relishing in your voice. He shrugs his shoulders, mumbling “I guess”.

“Don’t worry about it, it’ll get done, they always do” you try to reassure him “and I’m sure General Skywalker won’t mind if you hand it in a little later than usual”. As much as Rex wants to worry about the report, he finds it hard to concentrate long enough to stress about it. 

With the top half of his armour off, you pause. Technically, the next piece of armour you should be getting off is his codpiece but you don’t think that would… *ahem* be in line with GAR policy. “You think you can handle it from here or should I keep going?” you ask, a touch of playfulness in your voice. Rex meets your gaze, his lips twitching upwards into that little lopsided smile he does every now and again.

It’s as if electricity surges through his body at your suggestive remark, his brain suddenly jolting awake as he tries to quickly decipher what you could be insinuating -if anything, that is. “Oh I- well, uh,” he stumbles over his words, clearing his throat before trying again “Y-yes, I’m sure I can take it from here, thank you for your uh, for your help”. 

He hates how he can’t get a sentence out properly, becoming more undone by the second. Usually Rex can easily keep his head in times of intense stress but with you? You always know how to seamlessly get under his skin, making him get flustered even with a mere glance in his direction.

You bow your head, taking a step back from Rex. “It’s no problem, Captain” you reply, giving him one last smile before you turn to leave yet again.

This time you nearly make it out of the room, the durasteel door sliding open before you hear Rex call your name. With one foot out the door, you stop and turn to look at him, waiting for him to say more. 

Rex opens his mouth though no words come out. He doesn't know why he called out to you, well, he does deep down but he’s not ready to face those emotions just yet. He can feel his face getting warm and he prays you don’t notice his cheeks turning a light shade of red. 

“I-” he doesn’t want you to leave, not now. Can’t you stay just another few minutes? Or until he falls asleep? The bed may look uncomfortable… which it admittedly is but there’s enough room for you too. 

But he knows he can’t, that if any superior found out then you’d both be reprimanded. Or what if you reject him? How is he supposed to look you in the eye after the embarrassment of blurting out something so impulsive yet vulnerable just to be rebuffed by you?

Becoming increasingly aware of you waiting for him to speak, Rex forces the words out “Don’t stay up too late”. Maker, he wants to kick himself.

“Oh,” you weren’t quite sure what you were expecting Rex to say but for some reason that wasn’t it. Though you stay professional and nod to him “I’ll try not to, Captain”. You step out into the hallway, holding his wishful gaze until the door swiftly shuts between you both. A breath you didn’t know you holding, shakily leaves your lungs.

You try to shake the feeling that maybe Rex wanted to say something else, doing your best to shrug the feeling off as being nothing more than your own fantasy. 

The sound of your name snaps you out of your thoughts and you whip your head to the side, noticing a surprised Echo standing only a few feet away. “Did you just…” he trails off, not fully believing his eyes before slowly continuing “leave the Captain’s quarters?”.  A knowing smirk quickly forms on his face and Echo folds his arms.

Panic hits you as your eyes go comically wide. “What? N-no, it’s not like that, Echo!” you hurriedly profess.

The smirk doesn’t leave Echo’s face. “Woah, like what?” he asks, innocently “I’m just saying what I’m seeing”. You roll your eyes, too tired for his teasing.

“Echo...” you warn.

“Hey, your secret’s safe with me!” he chuckles, his smirk changing into a comforting smile “just be glad it wasn’t Fives who caught you, the whole battalion would know by morning if he found out about this”.

“There’s no secret to keep safe! Nor is there anything going on for Fives or you or any other trooper to ‘find out’ about” you try to clarify, a silence hanging in the air before you quietly add “but thank you… I would appreciate it if you kept this between us”.

With a wink, Echo continues on his patrol “You know I will”.

You sigh in relief. The last thing you or Rex need right now is a rumour. Running your hand down your face, you try to wake yourself up as you turn to head back the way you came. You know you can trust Echo but you also know how perceptive Fives is and how easily he can detect whenever Echo is keeping something from him.

But right now that isn’t something for you to think about, knowing you’ll stress yourself into oblivion if you do. Instead, you try to focus on one thing only; finishing off Rex's mission report by morning.

[haileyywrites]

Summary: After most nurses and doctors were either scared away or refused to treat the would-be-god you volunteered to do it, much to everyone's bewilderment. Though he was crude and difficult to deal with you never gave up on him. He couldn't understand why this was...

Partings: Scaramouche/Balladeer/Wanderer x gn!reader

Notes/Warnings: Completely gender neutral reader! Poc friendly! Reader is a nurse! Reader is "threatened" by him, but it's light-hearted! Scara/Wanderer is a bit possessive! Sweet fluff!

After the defeat of the Balladeer he was in dire need of medical attention and the benevolent god she was Lord Kusanali ordered the Akademia's doctors to treat him. Many outright refused after all he had done to them and their Archon, clearly forgetting it was the Grand Sage who locked her away in the first place... Those who didn't outright refuse stopped after bare minimum was done to treat him and refused to continue treating him any further. You weren't a doctor, but you could continue to take care of his injuries as a nurse - you actually volunteered to do so, someone had to take care of him so why not you?

You didn't understand what all the fuss was about as he had been asleep since his defeat and it never caused any problems for you when you took care of him - if anything it was easier, yet your coworkers feared and despised him as if he was some kind of monster. For someone so feared and powerful his sleeping face sure was like an angels... You didn't know what came over you as you slowly reached closer to his face and his silky indigo locks. You were stopped moments before you could make contact with his porcelain face as he grabbed your wrist tightly, a gasp of horror and surprise left your mouth.

“Where am I?” He demanded instantly, his violet eyes glaring at you with burning fury.

“At the medical station!” You managed to answer.

You winced painfully as his hold on your arm didn't relent, if anything he held on even tighter! You could hear your heart beating erratically in your ears as panic began settling in from his painful hold on your arm - luckily the door was opened and Lesser Lord Kusanali walked in. The Balladeer let go and pushed you away to the side where you remained frozen as the two began conversing with one another. You couldn't listen in on their conversation as you were too busy trying to calm yourself down...

You too were reluctant to continue treating him in fear he would get more physical with you in the future, but as you looked at him while he was conversing with the Dendro Archon you could see the broken and defeated person he truly was. He had simply been scared and confused of where he was and likely though you were a threat to him as he had just woken up. He felt vulnerable after his defeat and woke up to a stranger reaching for his face - of course he would react the way he did.

To everyone else's surprise - including his, you agreed to continue treating him until he recovered. He wasn't quite happy with having someone taking care of him and though you didn't relish upon taking care of the person who tried to overthrow your god it was still your duty and a task given by the Archon herself. You didn't blame others for not accepting the task, but still frowned upon them for forgetting their sworn oath of treating any patient. The patient himself didn't make things any easier by acting difficult and annoyed at everything possible, but you didn't let it hinder your work.

At first it felt like constantly walking on eggshells around him before you decided to just ignore him and not entertain his antics or attitude. This made him even more annoyed, but eventually he gave up and allowed you to do your job with minimal complaints, though his attitude was back the moment someone other than you tried treating him or even entered his room... You weren't sure exactly why this was, perhaps you had gained some form of trust after treating him for some time or respect for not cowering like the others and not allowing him to bully you. Perhaps it was both. The only exception was Kusanali as he seemed to at least respect her in some capacity after she defeated him with the help of the traveler.

Your interaction was minimal to non-existent at the beginning, neither of you wanted to engage with one another and both of you were fine with it. You were just doing your job like you were told to, he just needed to let you do it and you would be out soon enough. But as time slowly went by both of you became more talkative and you would stay around longer. He mostly liked just criticized everyone and everything around him - but very rarely did he mention you during his rants about how everyone and everything around him sucked. You started noticing how he and his awful personality had started to slowly grown on you, like fungus!

“Good morning!” You said cheerfully.

“What's so good about it? And it's hardly morning anymore.” He grumbled.

“It's only ten o'clock, it's still morning for most people. You also don't have to take everything so literally! If you want to be grumpy then be grumpy, but you don't need to sour everyone else's moond.” You smiled at his light glare.

“I'm not grumpy. If only you knew what would be done to you if I wasn't still bedridden.” He warned.

“Yeah, yeah. Now let me change your bandages and then get ready to take your medicine.” You gave him a look telling him to not fight against you again.

“Tsk. I know, don't treat me like a child.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Then don't act like one.” You kept smiling at the light-hearted threats and daily banter.

You carefully take off and change his bandages to fresh ones, you were glad to see he seemed to be healing very well. Perhaps it was because he wasn't human... Of course you were informed of it by Lord Kusanali, it was vital information for you to treat him correctly as your patient. Honestly you weren't entirely sure of what you were doing since you've never treated a non-human patient, but thus far he seemed to be doing just fine. Even his complaints had become increasingly rare the longer you treated him and spent time with him.

Still, even after all this time his eyes were on you like a hawk as he watched your every move carefully while you treated him. Every touch of yours gave him goosebumps and made him lightly shiver despite how many times you had done it, he likely hadn't had close contact like this in a long time. It made you feel sad for him that the only person to give him positive contact was his nurse... You didn't know about his past or even really know him, you were just a nurse after all. But you could tell there was huge trust issues caused by something in his past that still effected him to this day.

You quickly fetched him his medicine, which he took without complaint for once. “Alright, that's it for today! Food such arrive in an hour so just rest or occupy yourself until then.”

“You're leaving early?” He suddenly asked.

“Um... Yes, I have some plans for today. Is something wrong?” You asked concerned.

“No. You just aren't usually in a hurry.” He mumbled.

“Oh, I see. Well, have a good rest of your day then, I'll see you tomorrow!” You waved him goodbye - which he did not return as per usual.

Somehow you got the feeling he was upset despite denying it... His face was the same grumpy expression as before, but something just told you he wasn't just being grumpy. Perhaps it was because of time you had spent together had made him grow attached to your presence and conversations, since others rarely wished to speak to him and he even less with them. Still, you couldn't rule out that he was speaking the truth and was simply surprised to see you leave early.

Absentmindedly you turned back to look up at his window and were surprised to see him looking back down at you - both of you freezed and continued to stare at each other in surprise for some time. You managed to finally snap out of it and once again waved him goodbye with a small smile, he broke off from his trance and just looked away with an annoyed expression. You turned back around as you continued on your way, still perplexed by his unusual behavior.

When you returned the next day he was again by the window watching as you came in, had he been waiting for you? This behavior was completely unusual for him and you had no idea how long he had been standing there since he tended to not rest long, because he didn't require sleep. You felt a bit bad for leaving early yesterday when he kept acting like this, as if he was lonely... For most it would be hard to imagine someone like him to feel lonely, but to you it seemed like loneliness was something he was all too accustomed to.

“So, where did you go yesterday?” He asked as you entered his room.

You turned around to look at him with a confused expression, “Um.. I went out with some friends.”

“Did you enjoy it?”

“What's with these questions lately?”

He looked away from your gaze with tinted cheeks, “Nothing. Just wondering...”

“Okay, well yes I did. We went to my favorite restaurant that I haven't visited in some time.” You smiled fondly at the memory.

“...”

“Good news! It looks like you're fully healed, but I'll have another doctor take a look just in case.” You smiled brightly.

“Is that really necessary?” He sighed.

“It is!” You didn't stop to listen to his protests or complaints as you quickly rushed out to fetched another doctor for a second opinion.

The entire time he was examined by the other doctor he had an angry scowl on his face, but did as the doctor instructed while looking at you with an annoyed expression. You were used to it by now and just smiled back at him to annoy him even more. The doctor confirmed what you had said, he was completely healed and no longer in need of bedrest. The other doctor quickly got up to fetch Lesser Lord Kusanali for instructions or orders on what to do with him next now that your job was done.

“Happy to finally get rid of me?” He asked nonchalantly, but genuinely sounded at least slightly hurt by the idea.

“Happy that you're healthy! As for getting rid of you...” You were interrupted by the door opening.

Lesser Lord Kusanali walked through with the blonde traveler and their companion not far behind. You bowed your head slightly in respect and stepped back to allow them closer to your patient. The traveler and the Balladeer didn't look happy to see each other in the slightest, they threw petty insults at each other and you could finally see the progress you had made with him. Though he complained and "threatened" you it wasn't like this at all... Those two were not kidding, but wouldn't act on their threat's with Nahida scolding them. With you it was always clearly light-hearted and you weren't ever in danger despite his personality.

“After what you've done I've decided I'll have to have someone watch you before I can trust you not to cause anymore harm to Sumeru and it's citizens.” The Archon proclaimed.

“Hah! You'll give me a babysitter?” He laughed dryly.

“Yes. It will hopefully be only temporary, but that depends entirely on you.” She nodded.

“I hope you didn't invite us here for that!” The flying pixie shrieked.

“Well... I was going to suggest it, but it seems it would be better we find someone with less of an antagonist history.” She pondered.

You didn't know what came over you and before you could think or stop yourself the words flew out of your mouth, “Lord Kusanali! If I may, then I would volunteer to look after him.”

“What?!” He and the traveler shouted in unison.

“Hmm. Are you sure?” Nahida carefully asked.

“Yes. I think I may be one of the only people in Teyvat who can stand him.” You smiled.

“Excuse me?” He glared at you.

“Then I'll trust you to keep looking after him.” The Archon smiled at you with an approving look.

“Paimon's still worried...” Paimon said.

“It's okay! I've been his caregiver thus far so looking after him should be no problem.” You reassured her and the worried looking traveler.

“Do I get no say in this?” He scowled.

“Do you have an objection?” Nahida asked.

There was a brief silence as the Balladeer turned to look at your slightly hurt expression before he sighed loudly, “No.”

“Then it's settled!” The young Archon announced.

Mostly everyone was satisfied with the outcome, though some had their worries about it. It wasn't a problem like you had assured them as your dynamic didn't change much, you would spend more time together as he lived with you. Still, much to the dismay of Wanderer the traveler would occasionally visit you to see how you were doing, while it was incredibly sweet it was entirely unnecessary as you always told him. The person they knew had changed much after his defeat - including changing his name to fully start over.

He also never gave you a reason to actually "watch him" like you had said you would, most days he would simply follow you around as you ran errands ect. Sometimes you would follow him around if he had something to do like meet Nahida, which he did quite frequently - you of course gave them space unless you were asked to stay. You were both quite content with this dynamic despite his previous protests.

Even after Nahida told you she no longer required you to watch after Wanderer you didn't stop hanging out, you had grown too close by then. After being abandoned by those he trusted countless times he wasn't just about to let you do the same after all you had done to make him care for you. Thankfully you weren't about to leave him be either, he didn't even move out of your home after being released of the watch he was under.

Feel free to like and or reblog if you'd like <3

[amethystina]

A health update (and a general explanation of my long Covid)

So while I've been pretty open about living with long Covid, I realise I've never taken the time to explain what that actually means for me and my quality of living. It's a phrase I toss around but I can imagine it doesn't feel all that substantial to a lot of you.

So I figured that now that I'm feeling a bit better (more on that later) I should do so. Partly because I figure it will make it easier to understand why I sometimes have to disappear for weeks on end.

So, if you're interested, feel free to keep reading under the cut :)

But be warned: It's long and kind of whiny. But also ends on a high note! So there's that.

The first time I caught Covid was around Easter 2020, long before there were any vaccines, which meant that I was hit hard. But no matter how bad I felt during the illness itself, the aftermath has been ten times worse. I've been living with my long Covid symptoms ever since, so for four years now. They worsened for a couple of months when I caught Covid a second time in February 2021, but have otherwise held pretty steady during those four years.

A lot of people experience different symptoms with their long Covid and, sometimes, they'll change as the weeks and months go by. I actually had a very interesting couple of months during 2022 when my sense of smell just went completely whack and everything suddenly smelled differently than it should. Like, I could be smelling an apple but it did not smell like an apple. It was a weird time in my life.

Anyway. My most common symptoms are fatigue, fevers, joint pain, brain fog, memory issues, incoherent speech, and lowered blood circulation.

(The latter actually kickstarted the Raynaud's syndrome I have on my mother's side so now I struggle with fingers and feet that will occasionally go white, bloodless, and completely numb at random intervals. Fun times)

The fatigue and fevers are the worst by far. For the past four years, I have had exhaustion fevers between two to five times a week. Or every single day if I'm unlucky. It's very much tied to how much sleep I'm getting, how well I'm eating, and how many taxing things I do each day. I need eight hours of sleep to be functional and anything less than that will most likely mean I'll end up having a fever before the day is over.

Unfortunately, I've always had issues with my sleep so, on most nights, I don't get eight hours even if I try my absolute best. Sometimes it's because I wake up too early and can't fall back asleep and, sometimes — because my life sucks — it's because my fever is so high that I can't fall asleep. Cue the endless cycle of too little sleep and fevers.

Because one of the main issues with these exhaustion fevers — and what makes them so difficult to manage — is that there's no way to lower them. Medicine has no effect whatsoever. Once I have it, I just have to suffer through however many hours are left until I can sleep and hope that it'll be gone in the morning. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

And every day my energy level gets just a little bit lower and the fever a little bit higher. Some days, all I can do when I get home from work is to lie on the couch and stare at the wall because I'm too tired and in too much pain to even watch something. And, again, no amount of medicine helps.

It continues on like this for a while and, every third or fourth month or so, the strain eventually becomes too much and I fall ill. My body simply shuts down from the continued stress and exhaustion, to the point where I can barely get out of bed. And, usually, I can feel it coming. On top of the fevers, I start coughing, then get a headache, and then my nose gets stuffy. And, by that time, I know I have about two to four days before I get sick. It's so accurate that my coworkers have learned that when I give the sign, they have to tell me whatever tasks they need to be finished within the near future since I'll probably be out of commission for one to two weeks.

But I eventually recover, go back to work, and so the cycle starts again. And again. And again. And again.

For four years.

All of this has, unsurprisingly, affected my quality of life to a pretty significant degree. I can barely work, let alone spend time doing any of my hobbies. I can't really travel anymore and, if I do, I'll get sick from the exhaustion. Even the 50-minute commute to the office (which I have to do three times a week) usually results in a fever before the day is over.

This inability to travel was how I ended up missing my maternal granddad's funeral. My shitty relatives didn't tell us the date for when he would be buried until there were only two days left and even if I could have put myself on an overnight train to get there, I knew I would be in no shape to actually be at the funeral if I did. So I couldn't go.

I did go to sit with my paternal grandmother as she was dying but, as expected, I got sick and couldn't return to work for a couple of days afterwards.

I also have to skip most birthday celebrations and any events happening on weekdays since I'm usually too feverish or won't manage the required trip to get there. My life has shrunk so much I barely recognise it anymore. I don't recognise myself. I used to be one of those people who could do a million things at the same time and somehow complete all of them. I was firm, organised, and efficient.

And now I'm not.

(... or, well, technically I am — at least compared to many others — but not compared to how I used to be xD)

Point being, a lot of things have changed and I don't like it. But, with that said, I'm also well aware that I'm lucky to be alive and I'm fortunate enough to have a stable job and a roof over my head. So, all things considered, I'm still doing pretty well.

But I also can't lie and say that this hasn't affected me in a deep and fundamental way. My life has changed and, right now, I don't know if it'll ever return to what I used to consider normal. And dealing with that knowledge — and the grief and fear that comes with it — hasn't been easy. I have cried ugly, self-pitying tears over this many, many times. It's frustrating to have no control over what my body does and to constantly have to be careful of what I do so I don't exhaust myself. I am furious that this happened to me.

But, after four years, there's also a certain amount of acceptance. And while I'm annoyed by my new limitations, I try my best not to feel too sorry for myself. Instead, I try to adapt as best I can, even if I might not always do it gracefully.

That does mean that I sometimes push myself more than I should, though. Because, if I didn't, I wouldn't never produce anything. As depressing as it is to admit, everything I've given you in the past four years has been while I was sick. I don't think a single chapter I've written or drawing I've made has been untouched by this. I've become an expert at writing, editing, and drawing even with a fever.

That doesn't mean I regret it, though — quite the opposite. I think that if I hadn't had a reason to write and draw, I would have felt even worse. A lof of the time, the excitement I feel when I'm able to post a chapter or show off a drawing I've made has been the highlight of my week. It's an accomplishment.

But, that said, it's still hard. Writing in particular. It requires a level of brainpower I can't reach when the fevers are too bad. And so, sometimes, I just can't. I literally just can't.

And, back in January, as I was trying to edit chapter 39 of Who Holds the Devil, I honestly pushed myself too hard. I was so determined to finish it that I didn't let myself see just how bad I was feeling — not at all helped by how emotionally draining the content of the chapter was.

It was only once I finished the chapter and posted it that I realised how absolutely wretched I felt. Not because of the chapter itself, but my lack of compassion for myself, I guess? Because the fevers were bad, I was barely sleeping, and I was both mentally and physically exhausted. And, what was worse, I realised that I was displaying depression symptoms I hadn't seen in over ten years.

All of a sudden, I got annoyed as soon as a minor inconvenience appeared. Everything people said to me was dissected into its tiniest component. I feared that people were secretly hating me. I couldn't meet people's eyes anymore when I was talking to them. I didn't realise I was just sitting there, staring at a wall, until several minutes had already passed.

And, as the final nail in the coffin, I stopped talking about how I was feeling.

And that, right there, is my last warning that I need to do something — always has been, ever since I was a teenager. When I clam up completely, refusing to admit to the people around me that I'm feeling bad, that's when I'm about to spiral.

So, the very next day, I went to my boss and told her that I'm getting burnt out and I need to do something NOW or this was going to turn ugly real soon. Thankfully, my boss is amazing and, after a doctor's visit, I was put on partial sick leave. Right now, I'm working six hours a day instead of eight and, let me tell you, I'm thriving.

Or, well, as much as I can while still having long Covid.

I'm almost angry at how much better I feel because, if I had known, I would have done this a lot sooner. I actually have energy now! I've only had a fever about four times in a little over a month! That's insane! It used to be four a week!

So yeah. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. The downside is that the partial sick leave is still only temporary and there are no guarantees that I'll be able to keep it. Though, if need be, I'll just have to ask my boss to rewrite my contract and change the amount of hours I work because, man, I don't ever want to go back considering how much better and happier I feel. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I feel like I've gotten my life back. It's not quite the same as before, but close enough to it that I kind of want to cry again — but happy tears this time.

And so I've spent the past couple of weeks just... living? When, before that, it felt like I was merely existing. I've been drawing a lot since that helps with the depression symptoms (which are almost completely gone, thank god) but writing has been harder. Possibly because I forced myself to do it during a time when I felt really, really bad and now I'm instinctively trying to shy away from it. But, since I know that's just my mind playing tricks on me, I'm going to give it another try this weekend. I want to write and I miss the stories I'm working on. And, hopefully, since I'm feeling a bit better, I can maybe get back to a more structured uploading schedule. But we'll see. As always, I can't make any promises.

But that's about it, I guess? I'm feeling better and, since I am, I've been doing a lot of things that I wasn't able to before (like taking walks — I take a lot of walks). And I'm still trying to figure out my new routine now that I work less. And while I still get sick sometimes (I am right now, in fact, due to lack of sleep on Tuesday night) I always find my way back eventually.

So yeah. If you've read this far, thank you so much for your patience 💜 I admit that I don't really enjoy writing things like these since it feels like I'm whining — I was very much raised not to take up space or complain when things are difficult (an unfortunate side effect to being the middle child with two disabled, high-maintenance siblings) — but I also prefer honesty and transparency. And I feel a little guilty since there are times when I've given pretty harsh responses when people question why I'm sick all the time or why I don't upload chapters as often as I used to, but without actually explaining why. So I guess it's time to be honest?

And the truth is that I've been constantly sick for the past four years. Not only due to my long Covid, but also the emotional and psychological toll of all the loss, grief, and pain I've been through. These past four years have been rough.

But I'm not saying that to gain pity or make excuses. I actually think I've done pretty well considering just how hindered I've been. I've improved my drawings so much and have written... god knows how many words. I'm honestly kind of scared to check xD But it has to be over 600k by now, maybe closer to 700k.

I think my only regret is that I haven't been able to engage with you all to the extent I would want. I wish I could be a more active and enthusiastic participant in fandom — to seek you out, hold conversations, and give you all even a fraction of the attention you've given me. I feel like I don't offer you nearly enough.

But I also know that I have to accept my own limitations. So, for now, we'll have to settle for whatever I can give, even if it's less than I would want. But I will keep on creating, trust me on that, because I'm stubborn as fuck and even if my pace is slower, I'm still determined to finish what I start.

And that's the note I want to end this on. I have suffered, yes — more so than I may have expressed to you all — but I've still managed to create some beautiful things. And while I mourn who I used to be and the fact that some of you have never known me at my best, I don't think the me I am right now is all that terrible. Do I want things to change? Yes, definitely. But do I want to change the choices I've made and the things I've accomplished in the past four years? No, I can't say that I do. I'm proud of what I've done, especially considering my limitations.

And, if you're reading this, thank you so, so much for your kindness, compassion, and support. Some of you are old friends while others of you are new, but I am grateful to every single one of you. You have made these past four years more bearable. You have made it easier to keep fighting. You have made it worth it.

Thank you 💜