#but most of the things that help me or make my life better are unavailable right now and i can't find help to fix the things that are bad

[weaselle]

Early human match ups with animals

Wolves: have a very similar social structure and lifestyle as early humans, benefit greatly from group dynamics -- teaming up with humans allows them greater access to food at less risk, safer sleeping, higher pup survival rate, better protection from the environment. One wolf eats about as much food as one person, so it's a normal member to add to the group in terms of resources.

Cats: have some amount of social overlap (cat sisters often help raise each other's kittens, and grouping approaches common in some cat species, notably in lions, but also for example in cheetahs, where brother cheetahs often stay together for life in groups of up to 4). Humans are HUGE prey attractors for them, drawing in rodents in large numbers - also meaning people don't have to give up their own food to feed them. Human housing is safer from the elements, keeps competitors and dangers like snakes and larger cat species away. Associating with humans gains special grooming and healing unavailable to wild species, such as draining and cleaning abscesses caused by infected bug bites or, very importantly, feeding and caring through a major illness or injury. A wild cat with a broken leg will often die, a human's cat with a broken leg will live to hunt again.

Goats (which we actually turned into Sheep): Herd structure similar enough to human social structure as to be compatible. Guaranteed food during winter and other times of scarcity -- and none of it is human food. Higher offspring survival rate, robust protection from predators and the elements. Horses : same. Cows: same. Deer/caribou: same but a little less so, actually surprisingly good at both fight and flight (cows, specialize in fight, horses specialize in flight) often travel more distance for resources so have better access during lean times; can match but less beneficial to the deer.

Other animals be like

Big cats like Tigers: Why the fuck are there so many of you in one place. This cold doesn't bother me at all because i'm so big my core stays warm. Just what do you think i need protection from? I'm super capable of feeding myself, and even if food is scarce? you have to sacrifice enough food to feed several people to keep me fed, which is a bummer for your group if food is scarce, and i cannot eat your stored food like dried fruits and grains. Your lifestyle is incompatible with mine, i hate everything about being forced to live with you and also it doesn't benefit me at all. Lions: yeah, plus I already have all the group dynamic benefits you could offer me, you're actually the weakest link in my group, be careful or we might outnumber you, being near us all the time greatly increases the number of times murderous male lions attack this group

Bears: Listen. Even if i get injured i'll just eat something that doesn't run from me until i heal (some brown bear populations spend a couple months a year mainly eating moth colonies, they will eat anything, including moss and fungus). This makes me a direct competitor for ALL you food, btw. Speaking of which it takes like 15 people's worth of food to keep me fed. If i get angry someone is definitely going to die. Protection? from what? The most dangerous thing to a bear is another bear, so also you can't really have more than a couple of me in any group, and staying near me greatly increases the chance of some territorial wild bear rolling up to camp with murder on their mind. What do you meeeean keep wandering around actively instead of sleeping in one spot for months at a time? My life is literally worse with you than without you, and your life is probably worse with me around too.

Weasels: Fuck off you can't keep up with me i eat half my body weight in food every day and bite everything near me. Try to contain me and see what happens i'm made out of teeth and murder and cleverness, and destruction of property and theft are my favorite games and i'm basically always bored unless i'm hunting or fighting or fucking with something. What do you meeeean hold still for 30 seconds now i'm mad and you'll basically have to kill me to stop me from going after whatever i want forever. I will absolutely try to murder every other animal you associate with no matter what size it is, and i will totally also eat all of your other food too because i love fruits and fungus and anything else you like to eat probably - you can't keep me out of your food stores and what i don't eat in the moment i'll steal and hide in my own stash for later. Excuse me now i have to sleep for 18 hours i do not understand why you want to keep doing things for so much of the day.

Don't ask me about ferrets they must have been bought with rodent hunting opportunities like the cats, total fluke if you ask me (ferrets are, in fact, domesticated, after more than two thousand years of human intervention. And it's kind of weird that it happened but i think they were the exact right size to make it work)

I think it's a common misconception that domesticating animals is somewhat like enslaving them. It really is more of a symbiotic relationship. No wild animal would have willingly put up with early humans if they didn't get something out of it. Wolves wouldn't have stayed with us and become dogs if they weren't getting food and safety out of it. Many large herbivores that are now domesticated could and would have easily trampled their early human captors or broken their enclosures open if they didn't have a reason to stay. Sometimes individual animals still do if we don't give them what they need.

The animals that have stayed with us for thousands of years have evolved to cooperate with us better. Dogs have additional facial muscles around their eyes that wolves lack in order to mimic human facial expressions. Sheep grow their wool perpetually while their wild counterparts don't because a bigger fleece means they're more likely to be allowed to breed and be kept around. Domestic dairy cows produce much more milk than wild bovine species and domestic hens lay more eggs. Do you know how energy costly producing eggs or milk is for an animal? It's pretty intense! They wouldn't be able to do that if we hadn't given them the food and safety from predators and the elements to.

And we really need to show these animals respect and gratitude for what they give us by taking excellent care of them. They gave up a lot to be with us, often including the means to take care of themselves in the wild. That's a huge reason why I'm not against using animal products, but I hate factory farming. They are still living, breathing creatures with needs and feelings. They deserve a comfortable life and, when the time comes, a humane death.

[naamahdarling]

.

[timetraveltodystopia]

ENHYPEN Tea October 2024

Disclaimer: I’m a beginner with tarot, and my readings could be correct and could be not. I am still learning, so please take everything with a grain of salt. These readings are for fun and for entertainment purposes only <3

This is all alleged. I don’t want to hurt any idol or send them hate.

♡ Reading done on 17/10/24 - 18/10/24

Okay, so today the group is pretty talkative. All the cards flew.

Cards: Six of swords (rx), three of cups, king of wands, the lovers, death, four of swords and six of cups. Overall energy, ace of wands.

Here I'm giving an Enhypen tea in general, but later, I will go in depth with each idol. It feels like a sense of victory. As a group, we can do everything together, and there's no obstacles we can't overcome. They feel very confident amongst themselves that they can do everything. They have this feeling after hard work, after every come back because death in the end is transformation,that they will have peace and they can rest in the end. I have two cards that are pretty romantic, the lovers, and the six of cups. For me, as the spread has shown, it looks like the group was fated, the meant to be friends and to be a group, they support each other and help each other no matter what.

Heesung

Cards: king of cups (rx), queen of swords (rx), king of pentacles, the devil (rx), six of wands. Overall energy, five of cups (rx).

Oracle cards: I am becoming a better person, it's time for me to heal, I left when I saw you with someone, I wish I had treated you better, I regret lying to you.

Okay, so Heeseung is getting out of a victim mentality energy, also a nostalgic energy, he is seeing the brighter side of life, of situations of everything. He is detaching himself from situations that didn't make him good. It feels like there were toxic people around him, but also he became one, he realized it and he transformed. He is focusing on his career, and he's putting boundaries around him.

The oracle card is about his romantic situation. This is definitely a third-party situation. It doesn't have to be cheating, but mostly it is. He didn't put effort into his partner, being and idol is hard, but he had to make sacrifices, and he chose his career over his love life.

Jay

Cards: four of wands, queen of pentacles, the sun (rx), the lovers (rx), the hanged man. Overall energy, the moon.

Oracle cards: I am not available, I want you, the timing just wasn't right for us, I lost myself for a little while.

So Jay is stucked literally, like with the oracle cards and the tarot cards he doesn't know what to do. Because with the four of wands that person makes him happy, but it wasn't the right time. It's the right person wrong time thing, aww. I'm sooo sorry for him. He feels so close off. Like this man doesn't want to tell how he feels, he's in love, and he likes the person but the timing isn't right, I think a part of his heart feels like isn't ready, like how do you see me as your partner? As attractive? Like Why did you choose me? He probably is asking all those questions. He's a little bit depressed lately, and sad like this situation is sad, honestly.

Jake

Cards: death (rx), the emperor, temperance, page of cups, queen of cups, three of cups (rx). Overall energy, seven of wands

Oracle cards: I wonder if you are happy without me, I know I messed up everything, You don't know how hard it was to let you go, I wish I could share my good news with you, I left you before you could leave me.

So Jake is looking, definitely. He is so emotional. Almost my spread is most of cups he is definitely an emotional bean under that flirting skin. He is such and amotional state that he put a barrier, he's emotional unavailable, and it seems he it's taking the time to move on, for me he represents the emperor stoic, strong, and solitude but at the end of the day he wants a queen of cups, nurturing, beautiful, emotional, compassionate. Oh my God, this boy needs nurture. With temperance, he's finding balance between the 3d world and his spiritual beliefs and emotional state. He definitely broke up with someone, and this Boi is finding the path to healing.

Sunghoon

Cards: ace of swords (rx), seven of pentacles, knight of wands, two of cups (rx), king of wands (rx), eight of pentacles. Overall energy, the magician (rx).

Oracle cards: you speak to me through music, finding the truth crush me, I feel you even though we are apart, I want you.

Like... definitely there was something hidden and now Sunghoon it's heartbroken. He is manifesting as he wants to, but he is having patience related to love and work because this Boi is working real hard, and he is going strong. I don't know why he could have dated someone non idol and the mayor lie is that he never listened to enhypen or didn't even know them but they did, the vibes this gives me is betrayal and he is putting the energy of this into his work. He feels powerless. I have another energy of this of an idol talking bad things, like humbling sunghoon, it's heartbreaking.

Jungwon

Cards: page of pentacles (rx), king of cups (rx), temperance, king of swords (rx), eight of swords, queen of pentacles. Overall energy, the hangedman.

Oracle cards: I know I messed up everything, it's time for me to heal now, I will wait for a sign from you, you were the best thing in my life, the timing just wasn't right

He is taking life slow, and he is finding balance. Like Jay, he is stuck but romantically feels like he is in a break with his person. They are taking distance to revaluate what they want. He sees everything blurry, his state emotionally is exhausted, he is focusing on his financial wealth, but he is revaluating part of himself that he never questioned before. This is a period of transition of himself as a person.

Sunoo

Cards: five of wands, three of wands (rx), knight of swords, death (rx), ten of swords. Overall energy, king of cups (rx).

Oracle cards: I hid who I really am from you, I wish I had treated you better, I wish I could share my good news with you, you and I were too young.

Sunoo is fighting with people who don't want the best for him. He had many opportunities, like opportunity after opportunity, but feels he has to shine more to accept those sponsorships, like an inner competition because if don't they will be given to another. This vibe is definitely HYBE, like if you don't work hard, I will give it to another Enhypen member, and Sunoo feels irritated. He's closed off, and he feels his hard work is ending up to a close street? Like this smells fishy.

And even tho the oracle cards are from the romance truth oracle, the vibe is the same, like you are too young, we can take advantage of you (aka HYBE).

Niki

Cards: nine of wands (rx), queen of cups, justice, four of cups (rx), ten of pentacles. Overall energy, seven of swords.

Oracle cards: my life is not as together as it seems, I know I was a distraction from your pain, I can't stop thinking about you, I wish I could take back my words.

And finally Niki, oof okay, there's lies, there's hidden truths, it's just he isn't happy. There's so much crap hidden. He wants his 10 of pentacles a happy relationship, but his has a fours of cups reversed, so he's taking action. He wants to make it up, but with seven of swords, there's something wrong. He's in his feels, like he would give everything to his partner, but he's very intuitive, so if someone is trying to screw him over, he will know, his intuition will save him. I think the energy of this is that he wants a relationship, but he had so many disappointments that he would give up, but no anymore. He is letting his guard down. I think seven of swords could also be white lies to new people who will meet, but for future partner, they need to have patience with him.

This changes over time. Everyone has free will and vibrations change. Hope you like this reading <3

© rights reserved to timetraveldystopia

[saytrrose]

So, If any anyone ask you..Why you like kinger?...I better expect from you to give a Most logical 56 hours lecture with Long emotional story and A most Beautiful Argument on it....:3,...."So why you like Kinger?"

Why does one like anything?

There’s the relatability, his personality, his flaws and imperfections, his voice, his appearance, his judgements and interactions, and so on.

Why do you like your favorite characters?

To me, he’s simply someone who I really wish existed. He brings me an indescribable sense of comfort, he’s a goofy older man that is able to be genuinely kind and serious and helpful when the time calls for it. Hes funny, and makes me feel safe.

I grew up with my only parental figure ever being my dad, my biological mother was a monster and my stepmother is also horrible. He reminds me of my dad when I was little and was my only sense of support before I became an older teenager and adult where then, my dad changed and is emotionally unavailable to me and treats me differently.

I never connected with my distant family or siblings or anyone except my dad- not even close friends in my personal life so he brings me a sense of familiarity to my life that I have not had in a very long time.

Maybe comparing him to a parental figure is weird considering how much I am head over heels for him, but to be completely honest with you, I have a lot of trauma stemming around affection and what is romantic, familial, sexual, etc. I’ve said it before, but I have a hefty list of sexual trauma starting when I was around 6 years old, never ending until around 17.

I don’t know exactly why I’m sharing that, I guess it’s just a sort of needed for me to express and explain why I specifically find him attractive- I’ve been through.. things that make any parental/older figure invoke attractiveness to me but sjdjdj anyway

He reminds me of the one sense of support system I had when I was unaware of the innocence I was supposed to have and what was wrong and right- when I didn’t have any responsibilities and I didn’t comprehend that my childhood was stolen from me ����

He’s my favorite character because he’s part of my biggest hyperfixation in the current moment, and he fits the criteria of what comforts me.

My life has actually gotten really bad, I’m also currently in my lowest moment right now and I’m struggling with.. everything hshsh so I have been using him as my only support system, and because he’s the only thing that’s been keeping me really happy, giving me serotonin and such I’ve developed a very personal relationship to him, a parasocial one. It’s gotten to an unhealthy standpoint with my obsession and I acknowledge that but I also don’t see any reason in correcting my behavior around him due to it being my ONLY coping mechanism at the moment.

Sorry for the giant long ramble, my past and experiences and everything I have gone through play a very huge role into how much Kinger means to me and how much I hold him dearly.

I just latched onto him more than anyone or anything else to give myself a false sense of stability

[depressopax]

Nacho Varga relationship headcanons

SFW version

Fandom - Better call Saul

Pairing: Ignacio “Nacho” Varga x gender neutral reader Genre: Fluff, hurt/comfort, headcanons Warning(s): Nothing explicit but sex is mentioned. Friends to lovers, situationship. Some jealousy, slight possessiveness. Cuss words, gender neutral reader (mentioned as “partner” and with they/them pronouns) Words: 1.2K Summary: Being in a relationship with Nacho Varga would include…  English is not my main language, if I make any spelling mistakes please let me know so I can improve my writing! <3 NSFW version AO3 link

What probably started as an FWB/situationship between you and Nacho turned into something else.

It was weird, watching your lowkey emotionally unavailable friend go soft for you.

He was clueless for a long time and tried denying what he felt for you.

Nacho’s worst fear was losing you. He has a dangerous lifestyle and dragging you into his mess was the last thing he wanted.

It was not until he almost lost you, after a heated argument that resulted in you walking away from him.

After not hearing from you in weeks he realized how empty life was without you. 

After denying his love for you for such a long time, he finally realized he had fallen for you.

He did everything possible to get you to talk to him again

After finally making you agree to meet up, he broke down totally when he saw you. 

Seeing him like that reminded you of the feelings you had for him, too.

Nacho was the one to confess first

After you told him you felt the same he pulled you in for a kiss.

A kiss that differed from previous kisses with him. 

That day was the turning point to your relationship.

Dating Nacho is a bit complicated, since he has a dangerous, stressful work.

You often worry for him and he worries for your safety etc���

But you make it work.

Losing you is the last thing Nacho wants.

The things this man does to keep you safe? Jeez.

You become his first priority.

As we see in the show, he is caring and protective over people he loves

That’s right, he loves you.

He is very impulsive and takes big risks, so you often have to talk him out of doing stupid shit.

Your relationship would be a secret at first, until Nacho finds a way to sneakily take you out on dates and eventually be more open about the relationship.

One of the first things he does after confessing his love to you being introducing you to his dad

He wants two of the most important people in his life to get along.

And you do. His dad is nice to you, glad that his son has found someone that makes him smile Nacho: “So?” Manuel: “I like them.” Nacho: “Yeah?” Manuel: “Yes. You seem happy. And if they make my son happy, I like them. Don’t let them go.” Nacho: “I won’t.”

Nacho telling his dad about you - although he cringes at himself - he can’t help but express his love and tell Manuel about how amazing you are. 

The same applies to him meeting your friends/family

He isn’t that comfortable around new people but really makes an effort

He wants to get along with the important people in your life.

Dates with Nacho variates.

Either, he takes you on classic dates; dinner or the cinema

Or he likes making the date a little adventure, taking you sightseeing, going on road-trips or going to some club together etc

…Or simply more “lazy” dates. Ordering takeaway and watching movies at home, café dates or stargazing etc…

He doesn’t really mind where you are or what you do, he just wants to spend time with you and make you feel special.

He’s a bit traditional when it comes to dates and likes paying for the both of you.

Not in a way to brag, but rather to make you feel special and feel like he can take care of you. 

Not only on dates he spends money on you.

He’s the type of guy to surprise you with gifts like it’s nothing.

It’s enough with a “That jacket is pretty!” and if he’s feeling like spoiling you, it’s yours after a while.

He earns a lot of money but rarely spends it on himself, instead either financially helps his dad, or buys things for you.

Apart from gifts, his love language is touch and words. 

He loves having one of his strong arms around your shoulders at all time

He doesn’t mind PDA

Nacho is not the guy that will kiss you or make out around people, but loves holding your hand and having you close

And having you in his lap ;)

He wasn’t good at it at the beginning of your relationship - but now he’s not shy to tell you how much he loves you

Might be a bit cheesy even with his compliments

But you don’t mind, you love him being affectionate. 

The two of you call each other pet names, he especially likes calling you nicknames in spanish; Mi amor, amorcito, Cariño, mi vida Or in english: Babe, hot stuff

Definitely can get a bit possessive.

He of course let’s you have a life on your own, but gets a bit insecure or jealous if you were to spend more time with friends rather than him

He doesn’t like when people flirt with you

He trusts you, of course, but it still annoys him to see people try to hit on the person he loves

All he needs to do is stare at them in a “If looks could kill”-way and they’ll stop lol

If someone dares to be mean to you, tho? Oh they’re gonna regret it…

Someone was mean to his partner? R E V E N G E. 

He has that “scary boyfriend”-vibes and carries it with pride 

You can’t really complain, he’s hot lmao

You are one of the few people he trusts enough to vent to.

He knows you don’t judge him and loves how you just listen to his rants and lets him complain about work etc

The two of you probably has a few inside-jokes about the people Nacho doesn’t like

Nacho likes to just cuddle up to you, have you massage his shoulder while he talks about his day at work

You have a calming effect on him and he usually feels less tense or angry after opening up to you.

He doesn’t even need advice, just you listening and agreeing is enough.

He does the same for you, of course.

He’ll listen to your problems while holding you, and mutter insults about the people you talk shit about, just agreeing with all your complaints.

He’s the type of boyfriend that tries to be very supportive of your hobbies etc

Will ask questions about it, ready for a long rant about whatever it is you like

He doesn’t necessarily listen, but just loves how enthusiastic you look when talking about your passions.

He remembers small details in what you tell him so he can use it to surprise you 

Your reactions to him remembering small “ridiculous” things is everything to him.

Like mentioned earlier, Nacho has never been a relationship guy.

He has never thought about a future with marriage and kids etc.

But with you? 

One day he wants all of that - if you want it too, of course.

He wishes to start over somewhere, and do so with you. 

Nacho also wishes to travel places with you, see the world and give the world to you. 

Even if you don’t want kids, he wishes to buy a house/an apartment together with you and propose to you one day. 

Basically, he adores you with all his heart.

Boyfriend, fiancé AND husband material <33

I'm so down bad for Nacho rn, help

[icedteaandoldlace]

For Talk Shop Tuesday, is there a character that you’ve gotten better at writing over time? What have you learned about them by writing them?

Caitlin still challenges me, but after Right At Home, I feel like I have a better understanding of her than I did before I started writing it. It's tempting to just play into the ice queen thing and write her as standoffish and uptight, but that's not really how she is. Like, yeah, she definitely has her moments, but when you really look at her character across the seasons, she's actually a very warm person, it's just that she has a lot of emotional baggage and trauma that she doesn't know how to deal with, so it sometimes manifests in unhealthy ways. The Caitlin we see meeting Cisco for the first time is very different from the Caitlin we see meeting Barry, and that's because pre-particle accelerator Caitlin has found a place where she belongs, and she wants to make the people around her feel as comfortable and included as she now feels, and post-particle accelerator Caitlin has just lost everything she was looking forward to in life, and now she's drifting aimlessly and just trying to get through each day one at a time (also I just realized that she and one of my OCs have that in common and WOW, that's a trip).

One really interesting thing I've learned about her is that a lot of her life is marked by loneliness and feelings of abandonment, and she simultaneously has a fear of being left all alone, and a tendency to make herself be alone because that's what she's accustomed to. I mean, she's an only child, she wasn't popular in school, she lost her dad when she was young (then he came back and was evil), her mom is emotionally unavailable, she lost her fiancé/husband, her boss and mentor turned out to be a supervillain, her next boyfriend turned out to be a serial killer—if Killer Frost hadn't been presented first as Caitlin's repressed emotions and then retconned as a side effect of an ALS preventative, there'd be a pretty good argument to be made that Caitlin conjured her up as a solution to being lonely.

Sometimes the way she copes with that feeling is by being the first to leave, that way no one else gets the chance to, and other times she deals with it by being very friendly and hospitable, because she doesn't want anyone else to feel the way she has so many times in her life. And she doesn't even always feel that way because she's actually alone; sometimes it's just because she's stuck in her own head, and so used to having to deal with things on her own that she can't see that she has people trying to help her and be her friend, she just needs to let them in. She's very good at noticing when one of her friends is struggling and needs help sorting out their emotions, but when the same is going on with her, she often needs an outward push to recognize that there's even a problem, and she resists help until she's able to see that oh, her friends actually care about her and want her in their lives, and they're coming to her out of concern, not judgment (disregarding season 8, which is just a big ooc fest for everyone). She basically has to learn how to be a part of a family, because her parents both left her (in one way or another) so early.

Now as a bonus answer to this question, Cisco is one character that I've always found pretty easy to write for, but my current project has me delving into sides of him that I don't focus on very often, and that has been a learning experience as well, and also so much fun. Since he is very much alone at the start of this story—and under terrible circumstances, at that—he's on the defense constantly, and that brings out the same kind of hostility that you see in the show when he first meets Harry, or when dealing with Hartley. I also get to play a bit with his dark side in this fic, which is something you don't see very often in canon, but is still very much there, just reined in most of the time, and BOY has that been fun to write. Ultimately he remains the heroic cinnamon roll we all know and love, but he gets to go a little feral, too. As a treat. 💖

[sitp-recs]

Save the Date by @mallstars

Harry/Draco (2023, Explicit, 123k)

In the twelve years after the war, Harry attends sixteen weddings. As friends and acquaintances vow their lives to one another, he watches quietly from the sidelines. Step by step, Harry pieces himself back together, builds a life from the wreckage of his past and falls, slowly and thoroughly, for Draco Malfoy. A story told in sixteen parts, of patient and transformative love, of queerness, of reaching out and holding on. Featuring plenty of pining, Gilderoy Lockhart getting married in a fever dream of glitter and product placement, and Rita Skeeter spitting a steady stream of venom at Harry and Draco's every move.

“Perhaps this was how much of Divination worked. Showing you something you wanted, or didn't want, and urging you along a path. Sitting in the freezing ground on a Bulgarian mountain as the sun commenced its journey up the sky, Harry made a decision. He would get to know someone, the way he knew Ron and Hermione. Better, even, if he was capable of that. It was evident, really, who he wanted that person to be - and Padma seemed to approve. It had to be Draco Malfoy.”

Since I’ve been talking and getting asks about my most recent read I’ve decided this would be a good opportunity to write a brand new rec, and hopefully send more people on their way to this story. I’ve been in the mood for longer fics lately but it’s getting harder and harder to binge anything over 30k, so instead of pressuring myself to rush through it I’ve decided to take my sweet time and embrace the experience over the past week.

Curiously, I found this fic thanks to the author herself! We bonded over our shared interest in a niche fic kink (isn’t that how it always starts!) and she mentioned that earlier this year she published her first fic, one she was very proud of. Naturally I had to ask for a link to check it out and I’m so happy that I did. This story is a long, aching and deeply emotional love letter to Harry, carefully exploring his trauma and post-war struggles in such a compassionate way it gave me a lump in the throat. From dealing with his childhood abuse and a general lack of sense of purpose after the war, to coming to terms with his fame and sexuality to finally allowing himself to be happy and fulfill his resolution: getting to know someone, deeply. I love how that scene puts everything into motion, giving the fic a magical and serendipitous tone that helped me get through the angsty slow burn knowing that Drarry was more than endgame, it was inevitable. The tea leaves willed so!!!!

We follow Harry’s melancholy and introspective POV for about 12 years, each one marked by a different wedding he attends. There’s this weary wistfulness about the way he sees things that really touched me, as he struggles to find his place and pines on for Draco. We celebrate the friends and acquaintances we get to know through his eyes, one wedding at a time - and what a fantastic cast! I especially loved seeing more of Angelina as she’s not usually explored in fic. From Blaise’s to Lockhart’s to Ron’s to Hagrid’s, each wedding ceremony offers a new setting for Harry’s self-reflection and advances the Drarry agenda offering him new ways to get to know Draco and himself. They don’t always meet or talk but Draco’s always at the back of his mind, even before the resolution is made, and I found that quite romantic!

I wasn’t expecting this fic to span over so many years but instead of never-ending pain where you don’t quite understand why they can’t kiss and make out already, Harry’s pining is soft and tentative; it allows him to grow, explore his own sexuality and learn how to be comfortable in his own skin before reaching out to Draco. Despite being unavailable for some time, we don’t really need Draco’s POV to know he’s aching for Harry just as desperately. But we do get a glimpse of his mind through their correspondence, which is how they actually fall in love.

Watching their friendship blossom through the letters made me so soft and happy I didn’t want it to end. I think that was my favourite chapter and and I’m not even that much of an epistolary enthusiast! But their written exchanges create the most delicious anticipation and oh, when they finally get together they’re both so sure and devoted to each other it feels earned and right. I love how the fic paces the progression of Harry’s initial obsession towards a calmer, reserved and patient love. Just like he wished many years before, he gets to know someone deeply: this reformed and fascinating tea shop owner Draco, who adores his mom, is there for his friends, says Harry’s name with adoration and has a fondness for flowers and owls 🥹

If you’re looking for a cathartic pining!Harry journey, with gentle slow burn and satisfying payoff - the endearments! the smut! be still my heart - this long fic is an absolute treat. Check it out today then let’s get started on @mallstars’s new time loop wip!

Read on AO3!

[begitalarcos]

Maybe this is too personal… maybe it’s 2am and I’m really drunk and fucking sad as hell but I can’t get to sleep even though the room is spinning and my mind is racing.

I just feel so defeated. I’ve done the best that I knew how to do being a parent, and I didn’t have great role models growing up. All the adults in my life were emotionally unavailable and had so much grief, anger and resentment they refused to acknowledge that it seeped into my childhood like a damp towel that I desperately tried to use to stay warm.

I’m sorry if none of this make’s any sense, I’m sorry I just left and neglected everything here that gave me so much joy. I’ve been so lost and trapped and conflicted… a few months ago I was the happiest I’ve ever been. I felt like I was getting in touch with what made me ME again… then I had my 40th birthday. My daughter said “I’m kind of jealous everyone is paying attention to you today.” And I tried to ignore it but the whole day she just sucked the wind right out of my sails and I haven’t been able to recover since…

Most recently she got in a screaming match with my husband that turned violent where horrible, hurtful words were exchanged

“Fuck you both, I want you out of my life for good asshole!”

And I know she’s not in a great place mentally, she’s struggling to be independent and discover a sense of self whilst living with my parents (whom I was not ready for her to move in with) and I want to help her so badly.

But I can’t fix it. I can’t fix her anger, resentment or frustration. I don’t really even know where it comes from. I know she’s living in a place where emotions are not regularly acknowledged or even discussed. I grew up in the same circumstances. But I can’t live her life for her, I can’t fix what took me years of therapy to figure out about my own upbringing. Everything I try to suggest is met with resentment, everytime I try to help it’s met with backlash and ridicule.

I have no voice anymore as a mother… and it kill’s me. I keep going back in my mind thinking where I could’ve done more, when I could’ve stepped up and said “Enough is enough!” But I didn’t.

You always look back on your life and think “What could I have done differently?” Especially when you’re faced with hard times,

But now… there’s nothing I can do.

Nothing I can say.

And I hate it so much, I just want to skip ahead and make everything better and make sense but I can’t.

I know this won’t make a ton of sense to everyone, it probably won’t make sense to me either when I eventually read it back (once I’m sober) but I’m so tired… tired in my soul of feeling like I haven’t done enough. That I didn’t love enough or stay strong and firm when I should have.

And even though I’m setting boundaries now I feel like it’s too little too late and I will have so many regrets…

I just don’t know.

I miss when things were simpler… if they ever were… 😩😭💔

I’m just so tired

[goodnightmemes]

FLORENCE + THE MACHINE  /  DANCE FEVER SENTENCE STARTERS

❛ The very thing you're best at is the thing that hurts the most. ❜

❛ But a woman is a changeling; always shifting shape. ❜

❛ I never knew my killer would be coming from within. ❜

❛ And I was never as good as I always thought I was, but I knew how to dress it up. ❜

❛ Sometimes I wonder if I should be medicated. If I would feel better just lightly sedated. ❜

❛ I'm always running from something. ❜

❛ Being clever never got me very far. ❜

❛ And for a moment when I'm dancing I am free. ❜

❛ Is this how it is? Is this how it's always been? ❜

❛ Oh, don't you wanna call it off? ❜

❛ But there is nothing else that I know how to do; But to open up my arms and give it all to you. ❜

❛ I don't know how it started; Don't know how to stop it. ❜

❛ Something's coming, so out of breath. ❜

❛ I just kept spinnin' and I danced myself to death. ❜

❛ And do they speak to you? 'Cause they speak to me too. ❜

❛ Never really been alive before. I always lived in my head. ❜

❛ Sometimes it was easier, hungover and half-dead. ❜

❛ I'm back in town, why don't we go out? ❜

❛ I came for the pleasure, but I stayed for the pain. ❜

❛ If you get spat on, that's just your big city baptism. ❜

❛ I thought that I was here with you, but it was always just an empty room. ❜

❛ What a thing to admit, that when someone looks at me with real love I don't like it very much. ❜

❛ Is this something that you would like to discuss? ❜

❛ And it's good to be alive, crying into cereal at midnight. ❜

❛ If they ever let me out, I'm gonna really let it out. ❜

❛ But, oh God, you're gonna get it. You'll be sorry that you messed with me. ❜

❛ Everyone treated us like little pets. ❜

❛ Oh, tell me, it's not over yet. ❜

❛ In my darkest fantasies, I am the picture of passivity. ❜

❛ When I decided to wage Holy War, it looked very much like staring at my bedroom floor. ❜

❛ And I know I may not look like much, just another screaming speck of dust. ❜

❛ Well, did you miss me? ❜

❛ I've been expecting you, I'm ready. ❜

❛ Deliver me that bad news, baby. ❜

❛ Am I your dream girl? ❜

❛ You think of me in bed, but you could never hold me and like me better in your head. ❜

❛ Make me evil. Then I'm an angel instead. ❜

❛ At least you'll sanctify me when I'm dead. ❜

❛ Well, did I disappoint you? ❜

❛ Do I just remind you of every girl that made you mad? ❜

❛ Make me perfect, make me your fantasy. ❜

❛ You know I deserve it. Well, take it out on me. ❜

❛ I am nobody's moral center. ❜

❛ All the things that I ran from, I now bring as close to me as I can. ❜

❛ All this work gone to waste. ❜

❛ I used to see the future and now I see nothin'. ❜

❛ Well, can you see me? I cannot see you. ❜

❛ Everything I thought I knew has fallen out of view. ❜

❛ All the gods have been domesticated. ❜

❛ Heaven is now overrated. ❜

❛ Well, you can take your complaints straight to the Lord. ❜

❛ I try to still look with wonder on the world. ❜

❛ Heaven is here if you want it. ❜

❛ Hell, if it glitters, I'm going. ❜

❛ You know I always get my man. ❜

❛ I couldn't help it, yes, I let it get in. ❜

❛ The helpless optimism of spring. ❜

❛ I'm not bad, I'm not good. ❜

❛ Made myself mythical, tried to be real. ❜

❛ There is no bad, there is no good. ❜

❛ A generation soaked in grief; we're drying out and hanging on by the skin of our teeth. ❜

❛ I never thought it would get this far, this somewhat drunken joke. ❜

❛ Sometimes I see so much beauty I don't think that I can cope. ❜

❛ So tell me where to put my love. ❜

❛ Am I quiet enough for you yet? ❜

❛ You said this could have been the best thing that ever happened to you; So you decided not to do it. ❜

❛ If I was free to love you, you wouldn't want me, would you? ❜

❛ Unavailability is the only thing that turns you on. ❜

❛ I've blown apart my life for you. ❜

❛ Come here, baby, tell me that I'm wrong. ❜

❛ I don't love you, I just love the bomb. ❜

❛ I've been here many times before. ❜

❛ I should've come with a warnin'. ❜

❛ I'll show you what it means to be saved. ❜

❛ Oh, you know I'm still afraid. ❜

[femmefatalevibe]

I’d appreciate some advice, I tend invest more in people than they do to me, whether in time spent, making plans to meet up, or even something as simple as seeing something and sending it to them and saying that it reminded me of them. I feel like my efforts aren’t reciprocated, and I’m giving them but not receiving (it makes me feel like I’m the only one who cares, and that I’m being annoying/clingy and the only reason they aren’t telling me to my face is to be polite (most of them are definitely the type of person who would do that)). If this was just between me and one person I could easily say it is because of them, or that we are incompatible, but it happens to pretty much all my friendships, and that caused me to keep a distance from people (The only exception to this is my little sister).

Thanks in advance <3

Hi love! I think there are two main things worth considering here.

First, I would be honest with yourself and see if you're attracting emotionally unavailable people into your life. Consider whether you believe you need these people's approval to feel whole/valued or if you simply value their presence and company in your life.

Second, I would get real with yourself about your personal expectations and boundaries for your relationships. If you get the sense that certain people in your life are emotionally closed off or simply don't care about the relationship, you can try talking to them about how you feel like you're putting in more effort to organize meet-ups and always being the first to reach out if you value the relationship. Some people simply need to understand others' need to reciprocate. Their following actions or inactions will be telling in this case. If you don't value the relationship in your life enough to have this slightly uncomfortable conversation, focus your energy on getting to know yourself and your needs better, so you can meet more like-minded people who desire to put mutual effort into your relationships. Appearing too eager or borderline desperate for friendship, though, can push others away. We all have displayed these behaviors at some point for one reason or another. So, if you're doing this, become aware of these maladaptive behaviors as soon as possible and focus on cultivating your self-confidence, interests, and connections based on mutual values, desires, hobbies, and goals – rather than simply filling a void for companionship or attention in daily life.

Hope this helps xx

[ravangie]

hi hello!!

i adore your art so much. i love el dorado, but you have such a unique view on the characters and story that i feel like, seeing your fanart, is falling in love with another story entirely and all over again

i would really love to support you and have something of your art in real life! have you ever thought about opening a shop? although i know how much work would be needed to do so :(

Hello!

Ah, thank you for such kind words! I also feel like i have been leaving so much of myself with The Girls that they happened to become their own, separate from the movie, people. Thank you for confirming that! It's hard for me as a creator to objectively understand what exactly you mean by saying that i have a unique view of the characters, just like it's hard for me to understand what someone means when they say they like my art style, but i think it all comes down to the fact that i unconsciously project my own experiences and personality onto the women that i draw, so they get their own little quirks and views from me. And with all the love that i put into them, they can't help but become alive in their own ways.

As for your question - yes, i have thought about opening a shop. To be honest, it is a bit of a dream of mine - to be able to support myself by doing what i love and what keeps me sane and what i do on a daily basis anyway. I imagine it would be super fulfilling to see my artwork matirialised and to know that the love that it contains could reach another human being in a physical form. I'm not scared of the amount of work it would take, since i've been balancing a 9 to 5 job with commisions and drawing for myself anyway. But it does take a lot of time and energy - resorces that i could be spending on The Girls. So it would be nice if one of those points of income could be through The Girls.

What's stopping me is the fact that i happen to be from Russia, so most of the worldwide transactions are unavailible to me at this time. I do have an audience from Russia and it is very lovely, but it's not big enough yet to start making merch, it just wouldn't pay off money vise. So in the meanwhile i'll just continue doing what i've been doing: keep drawing my ladies, keep expanding their world, keep creating more girlfriends for them. Keep sharing bits of happiness that they graciously gift me with all of you. And hope that things will get better in the future.

Thank you for reaching out to me, it really means a lot, please have a good day❤️

[queerdiazs]

Forgive me if you don’t want to talk about Shannon discourse anymore but is being going on my mind because I’m a psychologist and I’m seeing a certification on parental techniques both good and bad and all that jam and my teacher a very good profesional insist on telling us not to use the “bad mom or dad” thing unless we are taking about abusive or negligence parents in which cases we use that words because we need to call abuse as such and the reason why she doesn’t like using the “bad parent” label is because most times parents are using the tools the have at hand that come from their own raising and not else and don’t know where to ask for help that is not their own family or support network , now applying that Shannon she didn’t even had her own mother to rely on Christopher's firsts year and is canon that the diaz parents where judgmental on every choice both Shannon and Eddie made in regard to Chris like they knew best but didn’t bother to teach either of them what “best” was, like all of this are true and then we have people saying she left because of Chris and she was ableist , like she left Eddie she very much left Eddie and Christopher still had to deal with the consequences of that yes but it wasn’t because of him that’s what the letter was about that there’s wasn’t anything about Chris that made her leave , she needed to leave yes she didn’t had Eddie support and felt her only choice was to leave even if that meant leave her child behind also yes she could still keep in touch with him and she didn’t still yes! She made a mistake and keep making it staying away from Chris because being back meant talking to Eddie and she wasn’t ready Christopher was collateral and that sucked but still that doesn’t make her irredimible she didn’t got the change to make it up but she did own it even if it was in just a brief moment , like they want to talk about bad parents ? The Buckley parents were neglecting and even emotional abusers , Chim's father abandoning him and knowing where he was, even chim contact him in a few moments but he was not only psychically unavailable but also emotionally , Shannon was psychically unavailable but worked on the emotional as soon as she was back in Chris's life like it baffle me how people can see things blank and white without having a clue on what raising a kid means , they need to look up parental stress it could be beneficial and also claiming someone is a bad person for their take on a fictional character? I promise that doesn’t affect anyone but having such a close minded take and attacking people that disagree is a reflection on their own bias and guess what? Real people are going to suffer for having people simply made a mediocre analysis on what “good or bad parent” means like those parents are the one I work with that come begging for help because they are not doing it right and everyone tells them that but nobody bothers to tell them how to get it better

i agree with everything you’ve said + thank you for explaining why we shouldn’t call people bad parents so quickly. a lot of people are doing their best with what they’ve been given and instead of attacking them i think it’s important to listen to what’s going on and try to offer help any way we can.

also good luck with your career and future!! <3

[beautifulsnake2162020]

Rambling fangirl thoughts on the Parakiss anime and live action movie

So while there was a lull in my life I discovered Paradise Kiss because of StealTheSpotlight's video on how to dress like an Ai Yazawa character . I haven't personally watched any animes based on her work although I have seen how stylish both the manga and anime were. Out of all the three IPs discussed I was most drawn to Paradise Kiss because of the tall Victorian lady who I would later learn would be Isabella Yamamoto. She's like the version of me that I wish I could afford to dress up as more frequently.

I found myself binging all 12 episodes (I was surprised it was that short) in one day and I watched the live action version with english subs yesterday (or more specifically yesternight). And my gosh I am so glad I discovered it now while I'm in my 20s and not when I was in my teens otherwise I wouldn't have appreciated the ending as much.

Speaking of endings I found an article detailing the differences between the anime and the manga and how the anime and the live action adaptations are just not as good as how the last events in the manga took place. Now while I haven't read the manga yet, I will admit that this article peaked my curiosity into checking out the live action movie version.

The next section is just me rambling on the differences between the anime and the live action film and why I believe their respective endings work for each adaptation. There will be no reference to the manga because I haven't read it yet, but once I have the money to buy a hard copy of it I will.

Due to the differences in media there is inevitably going to be changes to how the story is told.

1.) The anime having the benefit of telling more longer stories could afford to be more nuanced was able to show why despite George and Yukari loving each other, they also weren't made to end up together. They helped each other grow and they definitely made an impact on each other but they were also not good for each other. George while helping Yukari become more independent and mature more, is emotionally unavailable and does tend to play games with her emotions whether it was intentional or not (or more importantly whether there was malicious intent or not). And Yukari is also quick to jump into conclusions and can be judgmental and hypocritical sometimes which is something that we see her eventually grow out of. By the time we get to the end wherein they broke up to pursuit their dreams, its bittersweet because we know it is necessary for both of them to grow and yet it is still painful. This break up was the start of them maturing into becoming a man and a woman. While they may not be a couple anymore there is a lingering sense that they are both grateful for the time they had with each other. Yukari has moved on and is engaged to Hiroyuki who is better for her than George was. And yet we also can't deny that it's because of her mistakes and experiences with George that Yukari has grown from the girl we saw in the beginning.

2.) The live action while still a wonderful adaptation in my opinion has the limitation of having to tell the entire story within two hours. Because of this I assume that the changes made here to make the story work within 2 hours are even more drastic than what the anime has chosen to cut. However having said that the changes that were made for the live action version totally works and even makes the ending wherein George and Yukari end up together worth it. In the live action, while there has been flirting and eye staring between them, they never officially became a couple. Heck it's most likely that in this version they didn't even sleep together unlike in the anime. And that changes a lot of things. Because they were at most, two people who are attracted to each other but they weren't a couple yet, George being emotionally unavailable could be excused as being focused on his graduation dress project and Yukari slowly learning not to brush off the hard work and passions of fashion design students, even if she may not share their passion for fashion designing. The stakes for the graduation fashion show are higher because in the movie their brand, Parakiss, failed to sell any clothes and the blue dress will also symbolize the last dress the team makes together before going their separate ways. It is only after her first runway walk that George allows himself to genuinely kiss her and she returns it unlike the first time he takes her into a hotel wherein she was really clear that she wasn't interested in being his sexual partner or a girlfriend. And over the course of the entire movie we see her falling in love with him even though she may not want to admit it yet. And it is because they weren't a couple yet and we don't know them as a couple during this time that makes the ending worth it. After their heart breaking separation and three years later we learn that she has rejected Hiroyuki and decided to focus on her career as a model. She has become a top model that International clients wants her to model for them which is how she ends up in New York and discovers that George is now a costume designer and Isabella gives her the address to his studio. Their reunion and them sharing a kiss and becoming a couple for the first time in this version of Parakiss is so satisfying because at this point they are both no longer teenagers but more certain adults who have both found their place in the world and found who they are. There's an optimism that in this version of their story, things may work out because both have grown. Which is why them ending up together only works in the live action version of the story but would be horrible in the anime version.

Overall I am glad both versions of this story exist. The anime being more realistic and bittersweet shows how not all people you love are meant to stay with you forever. This nevertheless does not invalidate the love shared or the impact that love has on a person's growth. While the live action shows a story of how sometimes you need to work on your dreams, your identity, and other parts of yourself before being ready to love someone else. And sometimes when the Universe knows you're ready, they'll send love your way.

I can't wait to pass the bar exam next year so that I could finally read the manga.

[bunbeeplays]

The Lemon Legacy: Generation 1, Chapter 72 - It's My Party and I'll Be Emotionally Scarred If I Want To

Ophelia saw Omari for an emergency session to work through what happened with Hector, but today is her next official retraiting session. It's a big one too.

Xander: You're positive you're ready? I'm sure she'd understand if you rescheduled.

Ophelia: I'm positive. My klepto trait has been a dirty little secret since I was a teen. You're the one who proved to me that I could do something about it, and I'm not going to chicken out now. I don't like thinking about it, but talking through it might help. I'm ready.

Xander: For what it's worth, I'm proud of you, Lemon Cake. Once you get your new trait, the only thing you'll be taking is my breath away.

Ophelia: You got a tomato I can throw?

Xander: Come on, you liked that.

She did, just don't tell anybody.

Ophelia sits in anticipation while Omari begins the session.

Omari: You seem anxious. Are you in the headspace to talk about the day you got your klepto trait?

Ophelia: Yeah. I just don't really talk about it a lot. Or ever. But I think I'm ready.

Omari: That's good to hear.

Omari: I want you to describe to me in detail what your teen birthday was like. From what we've discussed, your klepto trait seems like more than an unlucky random roll. Knowing what happened before getting the klepto trait could help us understand how to move past needing it.

Ophelia takes a deep breath before she starts explaining what happened.

Ophelia: Okay, well, it was the day I became a teen. I was at my grandparents' house and they were going to celebrate my birthday with me and my parents.

Ophelia, unfortunately, remembers that day all too well. She remembers the smell of the air freshener in her gran and gramps' house, she remembers the chill of the wind, and she certainly remembers sitting on a bench for several hours until her gramps realized she wasn't inside.

Walt: Hey, Fifi. What are you doing out here?

Ophelia: Waiting for Mom and Dad.

Walt: Ah. I see.

Ophelia: They promised they’d watch me blow out the candles!

This was a big deal! Her parents barely have time for her, and when they do, they make it all about studying.

Walt sighs. He’d give anything to not have to tell her this.

Walt: Buttercup, Gran just got off the phone with your dad. They stayed at the office to work late. They’re not going to make it in time to watch you blow out your candles.

Ophelia: Oh… Okay.

Walt: It’s okay to be sad, Fifi. It really stinks when the grown ups in your life let you down.

Ophelia wants to cry but she doesn't think she can.

Ophelia: It’s not your fault, Gramps. Mom and Dad work hard. Their job is more important than my stupid birthday anyway.

Walt: Ophelia Marie, don’t say that. Your birthday is not stupid. I’m going to be honest, kiddo, your parents made a bad call. You should always be number one in their lives.

Walt can tell Ophelia doesn’t believe him. She's never even made top five on their list of priorities.

Ophelia should have known better than to get excited. Her parents aren't exactly concerned with stupid things like birthdays or ballet recitals or happiness.

Ophelia: Can I just blow out my candles and get it over with?

Walt sighs.

Walt: Sure thing, princess.

Evelyn is seething with rage but desperately trying to hide it for Ophelia’s sake.

Eve: Make a wish, sweet pea.

Ophelia wishes that something, anything, would make the sad moodlets go away.

Back to the present day Ophelia…

Ophelia: They were never there. And when they were, they made my life miserable! I kept trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe THIS time they'd act like the other kids' parents but no. They always treated me like an afterthought.

Omari: It can be difficult when those who are supposed to love us the most are emotionally or physically unavailable. It sounds like your childhood was lonely.

Ophelia: My gramps and gran did their best… But it didn't make my bad relationship with my parents hurt less.

Ophelia: You've mentioned me being lonely before. I guess I was. I didn't have a ton of friends growing up, just a few. And I never got to hang out with them outside school. They only let me do extracurriculars they thought would look good on a college application. It sucked.

Omari: I see. Sims are social beings. It seems as though your isolation led to your klepto trait, as an attempt to fill that loneliness with material goods and a rush from the thrill of the steal. But, Ophelia, you don't need to fill that loneliness anymore, do you?

Ophelia: …I guess I don't. I've got a bunch of friends I love, a great partner, and I really like his family too. And of course my cat. I… I really don't feel lonely anymore.

Omari: Sometimes a found family can be the best kind of family.

Omari: We can't control our parents, we can't make them be who we want them to be. But going out and finding the people you do care about, the ones that make life brighter? Well, it doesn't completely heal the hurt, but it sure does give you a reason to keep being your best self.

Omari: I must say, you've made excellent progress. I know this has been a long process but you've put the work in to change yourself for the better. We'll need another session or two to work on coping mechanisms for loneliness but I think you're almost ready for your new trait.

Ophelia: Oh wow. That's amazing! I get to pick it out myself?

Omari: That's right. You put the work in, you deserve it.

Ophelia: This was really hard, but I'm glad I did this. Thanks, Omari.

Omari: I'm happy to be of service, dear.

[theshotsheardacrossworlds]

Godfather

Before their Little Ladies' Day date, Estinien goes to Esme's godfather---a certain Lord Commander---and asks him to babysit. SFW.

Aymeric de Borel sat at his desk with his mouth hanging open. “I-I beg your pardon?”

His oldest, dearest, and sometimes most annoying friend told him, under no uncertain terms, that Aymeric was to babysit his goddaughter (whom I positively adore) for a night during the Little Ladies’ Day festivities with Agnes (my very dear and not at all annoying friend) because…

“Normally we’d ask Luci, but it’s Little Ladies’ Day. What way to better way to honor that particular little lady by babysitting for her?” Estinien winked, clearly very pleased with himself. Halone preserve me. “And of course Agi, for giving her some alone time with yours truly.” Far, far too pleased with himself.

Groaning, Aymeric called for his secretary (imposed on me by Lucia and Artoirel---I can manage my own schedule, thank you very much) to ensure he did not already have plans. Though in all honesty, I’d rather be with Esme than at a ball or fancy dinner. She’s marvelous company and only wishes to be snuggled.

Like both her parents.

“My lord, the night in question is free. Shall I write it in that you’re unavailable?” The young hyur woman asked politely.

“Exceeding unavailable. Make that clear if anyone is particularly insistent about an invitation.” Aymeric thanked her (Estelle Greenbank---her husband, a knight of House Fortemps, died during the war and Artoirel himself passed along her information after he and Lucia’s “intervention”) and stood once the door was closed. “You’re very lucky that nothing was already scheduled, Estinien.”

“Hmph, your duty to Esme as her godfather is just as important as your duty to the bloody nation.” That’s one way of looking at things. Estinien crossed his arms over his chest. “And you’re still a fucking person damnit. You still get to have your life, whether they think it or not.”

Oh dear, this again. Aymeric shook his head and laid a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I’m as much at fault as the House of Lords and Temple Knights. And you shouldn’t be worrying about me, not when your wife—”

They were interrupted by the lady in question, smiling warmly as she closed the office door. “Sorry! The boys are constantly on my bladder these days. Did you ask Aymeric about our date night, love?”

Aymeric grinned. “My dear, of course he did! How could I say no to an evening with Miss Esme Varlineau?” He watched as Estinien held one of Agnes’s hands in his own while his other arm snaked around her thick waist. “Tis about the time when she’ll just want to be in bed and cuddle constantly. One last big date night before the boys arrive.” That’s what Estinien told me. How I can say no that? I love them as a couple as I do them as individuals.

“Thank you so much, Aymeric! I’ll bake some brownies for you—” She grimaced and closed her eyes. Oh no. It can’t be time. She’s not due for another moon!!! How does one deliver a baby? “Forgive me, I…can we go home, love? I think I want to lie down for a while.” Opening her eyes, she smiled weakly at Aymeric. “I’m sorry…”

Aymeric shook his head. “Dearest lady, you needn’t ever apologize to me about anything. The date is reserved for Miss Esme, and I’m looking forward to it greatly. Now, go rest.” He glanced at Estinien. “And you, ser---see that she rests.”

“Aymeric, I do rest—”

“Woman, that means lying down for as long as you need and not traipsing around Radz-at-Han to help every person you see after a short nap.” He’s not wrong, Agi. Her husband mumbled with an eyeroll. “Thanks again, Aymeric.”

With goodbyes uttered, Aymeric ushered the couple out of his office and watched them teleport back to Thavnair, his sapphire eyes filled with sadness.

How I wish you settled here instead. But alas, Ishgard cannot compete with Thavnair in terms of climate or how much further along they are in certain ways. Estinien himself said the biggest reason he and Agnes decided against Ishgard is because of fear over how their children would be treated. They’ve not forgotten about Hilda nor about other hyur-elezen children who are treated with disdain. In Thavnair, that’s not a problem.

It simply means I must work harder to make it a place they’d be proud of.

Until then, I shall continue to live and serve.

And be Miss Esme’s most beloved babysitter---a role I cherish with all my heart.

[league-of-sam]

As Grim as the Reaper | Simon 'GHOST' Riley PREQUEL

Ghost x Reader, Graves x Reader

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

Phillip Graves x AFAB!Reader!OC 18+ MINORS DNI! t.w // angst, mental health, language, violence, death, sexual themes/SMUT, military inaccuracies, language inaccuracies (google translate).

As Grim as the Reaper: Masterlist

By now, everyone on base had heard what you did.

Be it from the rumours, gossip, the fact that it was so painfully obvious that something was going on with you, or that your breakdown was now being used as a 'what not to do' situation in briefings with the task force.

You even caught Graves talking about you to his Shadows.

And the look on his face when you turned to see him standing there, deer in headlights, white as a sheet, told you that he knew he shouldn't be saying the things he did.

The horror on his face when a single tear slipped down your cheek, and you turned, running back the way you'd came.

He's not seen you since.

Thankfully, Laswell was there to rescue you, bring you to her home and take you in, dote on you like a mother would. She was happy to have you, of course. Happy to keep you close, where she can keep an eye on you and care for you. Her wife loved having you around too.

Even she could see how much you meant to the ever-so-slightly emotionally unavailable Kate Laswell.

You were her girl.

And the second you burst into her office with tears streaming, she wasted no time in taking you home, packing a bag for you, and bringing you into her space.

"We've not used the spare room before." She'd said, helping her wife in puffing the pillows and tucking in blankets.

"You don't have to do this, Kate. Really." You'd insisted.

She'd waved you off, muttering under her breath about Graves being no good scum and you deserve better.

And you'd stood, a small smile on your face as you watched her make the room comfortable for you.

That was a week ago, and not only had you not been home since, you'd ignored every single attempt Graves made to contact you. You refused to answer his texts, his calls. You didn't even look in his direction on the days you returned to base for your sessions.

Laswell escorted you everywhere, and she was quick to stop him getting anywhere near you.

But fuck, did it hurt.

"So, you didn't talk about it?" Doc said, raising her brow.

"I tried...I forced myself to let him touch me, to cuddle me. I asked him if we'd be okay. The next thing I know he's telling his minions about our fucking sex life."

"And what did he say?"

You gulped, but continued, "Said he wasn't aware he was about to marry such a prude, said something about how all I do is sit around and do nothing but I'm still too tired for sex. And then one of them told him that he should get it elsewhere and well..."

"What?"

"Let's say he didn't exactly dismiss the idea, more turned it into a big joke."

You twiddled your thumbs as you stared at the ring on your finger, hatred burning deep within you, and tears biting at your eyes.

"Couldn't even have my fucking back in front of his dickhead soldiers." you spat.

Doc let you rant, she let you expel the anger, the hate in your words. Sitting silently and watching you unravel. You needed this, and she knew it.

"I mean, I deserve better, right?"

"Of course you do, (Y/N). You deserve to feel safe and loved in a relationship. Does he make you feel that way?"

"He used to." You mumbled.

"And now?"

You thought for a moment - he'd seen your most vulnerable state, and chose work. He'd seen you break, and chose work. He'd seen you grieve, and chose work. Granted, you knew how important his job was. But the second you lost yourself, the second you truly needed him, he wasn't there.

You knew why you didn't want him to touch you.

Because he didn't make you feel safe.

He made you feel scared.

"No."

It came out as a whimper, and immediately, you were sobbing, because you knew this was it. You couldn't continue a relationship, never mind marry, a man that didn't make you feel safe.

You had lost yourself, and you'd lost him too.

But how could you leave? You were months away from marrying him. He was supposed to be the love of your life! How could you possibly deal with that heartbreak on top of everything else...?

You were strong, not unbreakable.

It took over 45 minutes for you to calm down, and eventually, you slipped off the ring, setting it down next to the other item you couldn't bring yourself to wear.

It stared back at you, still.

Taunting.

Coaxing.

Judging.

"Lieutenant Price?"

Your eyes moved slowly until you landed on the Doc, "Huh?"

"I said, are you ready to continue the session? We only have a few more hours of your mandated hours left. It'd be best if we use them as much as we can."

"Y-yeah, sorry, Doc."

"That's quite alright, honey. It's good to let these emotions flow. You've been holding them in for weeks now."

"I guess so."

"Trust me, it's better for you to feel it than hide it away. You'll lose yourself like that."

You sighed, pulling your knees to your chest, "I'm afraid I'm already lost, Doc."

She frowned, but scribbled down in her notes, before flicking a few pages back, reading over what she'd written a few sessions before.

"I want to go back to Monday's session." She spoke, before leaning forward and pushing the mask towards you. "Look at this for me."

Your eyes followed her, landing on the black fabric. It spoke to you, shivers cascading down your spine.

Missed me?

No.

Of course you have, don't be silly, Reaper.

I'm not Reaper. I'm (Y/N).

Are you?

Yes-

No. We are one. You are Reaper, I am Reaper. I live within you. The darkness begging to get out. You think you can just hide me away? You think I'll leave you if you don't wear it?

I'm not that person, that's not me.

Oh, but it is. You liked it, didn't you? You liked the feeling of taking away those lives, the way the blood slipped through your fingers, the way your knife so easily pierced their flesh-

NO! Stop....please stop.

You loved it, (Y/N) Price. Pathetic, little bug. You know you want me. You need me. Without me, your family, those your care about...they're in danger. They'll die.

Stop it.

Put me on.

No.

Go on.

Do it.

PUT ME ON.

"No! Stop, stop stop!" you yelled, hands muffling your ears as you squeezed your eyes shut.

But you could still hear that menacing laughter, you could still hear it goading you. She wanted out, you couldn't ignore her forever.

"(Y/N)." Doc spoke, but you couldn't hear over your laboured breathing, "(Y/N), honey, take deep breaths for me. You can do this. You are stronger than the mask."

You're stronger.

"I'm sorry, Doc, I just- I can't, can't put it on. Don't wanna- don't wanna be that person."

"You're not. But (Y/N)...you, Reaper. You're not separate people. You are one and the same. She protects you, keeps you safe, keeps those skills and instincts you've learned in training intact."

"I don't wanna put it on."

"Reaper protected you in that situation. She kept you safe, she helped you act in an impossible situation-"

"I can't...I fucking killed people, Doc! I lost control! It's pushed everyone away, I can't be Reaper anymore. I can't do it!"

"Why?" She pressed.

You took a few deep breaths, your lip quivering, "Because I don't want to lose control like that, never again. I'm scared if I wear it, it'll happen. I don't wanna lose myself, Doc, please help me"

The room was silent, and your words hung heavily.

You pled with your eyes, fingers picking at your dogs tags.

"Good." She finally spoke. "Good girl. Well done."

Somehow, a smile graced your face, and a relieved sob slipped from your lips. You were smiling, a genuine, meaningful smile.

You did good.

You made progress, you asked for help, and you found the problem.

It's not that you didn't want to be Reaper, you just didn't trust yourself to be her. You were scared of who you were when you were Reaper.

But that was okay.

It was okay to be scared.

"I want you to put it on." Doc said, pushing it closer to you.

"Doc...n-no. I can't-"

"I want you, to put it on, (Y/N)." She spoke again, this time much more stern. "Prove to me you want to get better and try to put it on."

Your hands shook, "N-now?"

"Well, I'd love for you to try now, but we'll take it one step at a time."

"How do we do that?"

"You can alternate." She said, "Wear it some days, not others. Ease yourself in."

"N-no, Doc. I can't. I can't wear it."

She sighed, shifting a little in her seat and picking up the mask.

"Why not? Why are you so scared of this little thing? This nothing thing? It's just black fabric, (Y/N)."

You looked at it again, and were met with flashes of images. Flashes of the body cam footage. Flashes of you covered in blood.

"Fucking hell, Doc, I'm scared! I'm terrified! I don't wanna fucking hurt anyone."

"And why do you think you will? Do you feel that incapable?"

You knew she was pushing you hard, you knew this was coming. But that didn't prepare you for it; for the frustrations, for the pain, the conflict of your two minds.

"Do you want to be better?"

"Yes!"

"Do you want to be you?"

"Yes, I fuckin' want to be me, Doc. I hate feeling like this. I hate it. I don't want it anymore. I want to be good, be better."

She smiled, placing a hand over your knee briefly.

"So, how about you compromise with me." Doc said. "I have an idea."

"Compromise?"

"Yes. Train without the mask, you're suspended from missions anyway. But wear it in other places. Wear it when you go to the store, wear it when you go for a walk, wear it around your house and in other situations where your identity is on show."

You looked at her wide-eyed.

Wear the mask?

"Wear it. In those situations, you're not Reaper. You're just a girl in a mask. There is no job, no obligation to serve. It's just you."

"Just me." You repeated.

"Yes, honey. Just you. No Reaper. One step at a time."

You blinked, looking down at the mask.

With tentative movements, you leaned forward and picked it up. Running the mask through your fingers, you breathed deeply, folding it out to rest on open palms.

Just you.

"Just push that voice away, (Y/N). You're stronger than it, you are in control."

You're in control.

Nodding, you raised it to your face, holding it in place before hooking it around your ears.

Once more, your mask was worn. It made your heart pound, but the way Doc proudly observed you aided in pushing you through. The mask was tight and unfamiliar, but it comforted you all the same.

"Just me." You whispered. "Okay."