#but maybe its a bit too. much. maybe dont read this

[seokmn]

FAILURE

pairing: dokyeom x gn!reader

wc: 0.6k words

lua’s note: maybe this fic is a bit specific because its kinda a vent. i wanted to get this out of my chest somehow and decided to post it because maybe there’s someone who’s going through the same thing as me and need to read these words. essa vai pros que so fizeram o enem e vestibulares de faculdades publicas e nao passaram pra segunda fase deles e agora precisam esperar a nota do enem pra meter no sisu ou prouni 😛

another instagram story you viewed, another text with those three cursed words you read and another ‘congratulations, lets celebrate it!’ you had to write as a reply for that text. you sighed, placed your phone on your lap and hid your face with your hands.

the only thing that comes to your mind right now is the word failure. you failed and now you have to watch other people celebrate their accomplishments.

seokmin heard your sigh and turned around to look at you, taking sight of your disappointed figure. he stopped cooking, dropping the knife and washing his hands before sitting down next to you on the couch. his hand rested on your thigh, a way to try to comfort you without words being said. he already had an idea about why were you like that. “another one?”

you hummed and stopped hiding your face. you looked at him with a small smile and nodded. “another one,” you looked down and took his hand before looking back at him, trying to sound and look okay. “another friend of mine was accepted at the university she wanted.”

seokmin let out a quiet sigh and rubbed his thumb against the back of your hand. he didnt say anything, already knowing you’d keep venting about it to him. “im happy for her, i really am. but i cant help but ask myself: is this it? am i going to stay behind while all my friends will go to college and live their lives? am i too dumb to go to college?” your lips began to tremble and your voice was cracking, “and i hate myself for feeling this way, i hate to compare my life to theirs and not being able to be happy for them without feeling miserable about my situation. they studied a lot for this and they deserve it, but i studied as well. is it something wrong with me?”

seokmin frowned and placed your head against his chest. “theres nothing wrong with you,” he began to caress your head, trying to soothe you. “you said yourself that this year took a toll on you because of studies, trying to be sure about your future and trying to find an university that youd like the thought of studying there. do your things in your own pace. you not being accepted in any university until now doesnt mean youre a failure, you cant be accepted in any university yet because you gotta wait your results of the national exam come out.”

he cupped your cheeks and pulled you away from his chest so you could look at each others eyes. “listen to me, you are not a failure, okay? you just graduated from high school, youre so young and you have so much things to do. take your own time, that doesnt mean youre staying behind. that means you’re building your own path.”

you nodded as he brushed your tears away with his thumb. listening to his words was like being hugged by your mother after spending a whole day away from her when you were a little kid, was like being kissed by the wind while watching the sunset at the beach with a loved one.

seokmin always knew how to comfort you, how to make you realize youre not being fair with yourself and that you should be way kinder with yourself because you are loved and are capable of doing anything.

“dont forget about that,” he kissed your forehead and stood up, looking at you with love in his eyes and that comfy smile that no one else but him could smile like that. “now help me to cook. we’re going to eat a delicious meal and then spend the rest of the day watching your favorite sitcom”

[thecherrygod]

Do you ever wake up from a dream and you know you're gonna have a day™

i feel like ive had a similar dream to this one a few times ago but also i feel like i have deja vus in dreams sometimes so im unsure. either deja vus or a moment of lucid dreaming that doesnt last enough, but i also tend to have recurring dreams so who knows, also if i think i know why something is happening in the dream i will put my opinion lmao anyways.

so. i was waiting for a bus, apparently the 125 (which is a mix of the two buses i usually took from my house, before we moved, to go to a few places) with the first friend i made in elementary school, who happens to be in three dreams ive had this month, also there were my first crush and some other guy. in theory we were going each to our houses, but instead i got on an appartment

in theory from what i think is another dream, i could just go to this woman for therapy whenever i felt it necessary, like just walk in and thats it. also if i couldnt pay her in money i could pay her in yogurt for some reason. so im just there, going as if i own the place, walking stairs in a white beige sterile looking building, and then entering the office, with a voice in the back of my head going 'you should have knocked' but i was already halfway through the door (ive been going through it kinda and thinking i should get therapy so i believe thatswhy i dream of going to therapy dhsdghdsgd)

at that moment im not me anymore, im some blonde woman with long hair, theres noise in there, the therapist talking to someone, and sounds like a baby. apparently she had a child not that long ago and it was there but in another room in the office thing. and so the blonde kind of. sits on the floor. lays there, talking to the therapist and apparently she therapist was gonna 'check their fortune' or future or something, in my brain what made sense is that the blonde was pregnant and the therapist was gonna tell her about her future child. also there was a tv in the room and it had a movie or something that was starring the blonde. apparently the movie was called something similar to 'degberaux' or something. im sure it ended in beraux but it started with a b and had a g in there too but... its unclear.

after that im me again and im in some sort of classroom thats empty except for someone who we used to be friends and it ended up badly and while its bc both of us i do feel very guilty about it. i sorta try to both ignore and aknoweledge her, first i sit on the complete opposite side of her, we have a hesitant small talk, in which i sit closer to her but from an angle i cant really see her face, and we talk a bit more but nothing else. more people start filling the room, a girl that went to school with me that i promised i was gonna invite her to my house to play videogames but i never did good on that promise (more guilt it seems lmao) and i talk more with her. i notice shes drawing some sort of comic with neat line art and i ask her about it, if its her own story and stuff. she says yes, shows me the pages which are mostly trees and plants and a single panel with a guy, and while im looking she says that shes been doing them like this bc her computer broke down and couldnt work on it digitally and was worried she forgot completely how that worked (something that literally happened to me last year so i know where that comes from)

then i am just. back at the therapists office, this time im me again, but now completely distraught, very stressed and at the verge of tears partially just bc paying therapy in yogurt is making me feel that even if that was the therapists idea. theres a kitchen table in the office, it has like.. holes in it but under the wholes its like theres sand under the table so you can still let things on the table with no risk of them actually falling to the floor. so i am attempting to pay my therapy session. with yogurt. its a 6 pack of creamy vanilla yogurt specifically from a brand from here which is common but relatively good quality, and i look at it from the outside, the. bowl or whatever now kinda transparent. and i begin panicking more, its barely there inside, and it looks brownish, kinda rotten, as if it was consuming itself, and i begin opening them and my therapist doesnt complain about that shes just kinda confused but like 'ah its fine ill eat them all together' and im like 'no. you wont. look at them. its. bad' so she looks over my shoulder and goes '... oh. the yogurt died' (i think this is because ive been spiralling the last few days bc of mayo for a few reasons tbh)

so yeah. the yogurt died. i was paying therapy in yogurt and the yogurt. died. so i just broke down. i started properly crying. at first she didnt know if she should aproach me but i guess she felt bad and did give me a hug which also sorta helped me calm down but i was also calming down bc irl i dont cry more than like 5 tears except i reach a specific point of breakdown also about the hug. i believe it to be unproffesional afaik but in the dream it was sort of comforting and also i think that whenever i get hugged in dreams i just do cry a lot which. man i think thats its own situation lmao) after that my phone was a bit stuck on one of the holes in the table and shes laughing a bit like 'im not so sure how youre gonna take it off there haha.. good luck' and i just put my hand in there and take it out almost like a puzzle piece with just a bit of force but nothing too difficult.

after that im now in a dining table surrounded by guys that have been classmates at different points in my life. just sorta talking. at this point is where i know that i have therapy whenever i want it/need it bc one of the guys that went to highschool with me (and got himself into an alcohol indused coma during out graduation party) had killed multiple people and im not sure if dream me had actually seen it happening with my own eyes or not but i got the image of blood splatters there as a memory so maybe)

after that we are leaving. its night, everything is dark, also the atmosphere is tense and a bit.. scary? maybe just bc its night. i am leaving with a girl. idk who, its almost like she could have been any of the three friends that i had seen before, or maybe all of them in one, im not really sure. and i think 'fuck i didnt say goodbye to my therapist properly' and i get a bit anxious but also full of guilt so i ask the girl to wait for me, ill go do that real quick.

i find my therapist, shes just there in a room that feels like a greenhouse mixed with an attic, kinda dark but since its made of glass you can see bc of outside lights. i get close like 'ma'am i am so sorry i didnt properly say goodbye to you and i also wanted to thank you' but she seems distant, cold, and maybe a bit angry. i still go back in for a hug and i am in fact tearing up again. she pats me in the back like when someone just gives you the quickest hug so it doesnt last a lot but you still know its sorta okay even tho maybe not fully okay. after that she breaks the hug and says 'if you are acting like this it means i am doing a good job' and she just. leaves. i try to follow her bc well im unwell i dont think i should be alone and it felt like she was abandoning me

so i get close to her, she looks at me how youd look at an animal, a pet, thats just following you everywhere, but also a bit.. disappointed at my behavior? and then when im about to fully reach her i woke up

[sideblogdotjpeg]

ive been thinking about the red string superstition recently and also sol bufo always and it makes me sick how uncannily caldwell tanner has made sol to perfectly target me personally

(+ cropped versions !)

[dailyloopdeloop]

DAY 71: shy

[surreal-duck]

live drama adaptations part 2 (prev)

cast reveal and girls movie night 🔥

[bmpmp3]

sorry to be a bit of a hater but i do wish youtubers weren't so scared of making their videos just like, "reviews", whys everything gotta be a "video essay" all the time. every day my recommendations are filled with 40 minute videos titled "_____: An Underrated Masterpiece" where the first like five minutes are reading the wikipedia definition of "masterpiece" in a somber voice with dramatic themed text on screen. please just tell me how good or bad you think something is and use the rest of the runtime to explain why. you dont need to put on all these airs

[skitskatdacat63]

Fernando instinctively trying to protect his boyfriend Seb from the champagne spray

+

[icewindandboringhorror]

I've referenced before how I have a big google document to keep track of every media I've ever seen in my entire life (just for reference because I like to track everything possible lol… I am the Data Collector), but recently as I was updating it, I thought of actually evaluating them to find out random percentages (like for example, out of Total Shows Watched, what percentage did I finish vs. stop watching, what percentage did I like or dislike, etc.)...

Evaluating these things is made easier by the fact that I already place everything on each subsection of the list into 6 broad ranking categories, so I don't have to go back and guess to figure out how I feel about them or anything. The categories are: Ranking 5 - overall best* (despite some criticisms of course because I'm too much of an Analyzer to ever find anything Perfect lol) Ranking 4 - more positive than neutral, but not good enough to be 5 Ranking 3 - either the good + bad negate each other, OR it's just not memorable/interesting in any way enough to be ranked higher or lower (this is the Default category ALL things are placed in if no other rank applies) Ranking 2 - maybe a few redeemable elements but largely more negatives than positives Ranking 1 - So bad that it circles around to being fascinating to observe in some way (not necessarily Funny, or Good, but just interesting somehow) Ranking 0 - Bad in a genuinely frustrating or obnoxious manner

*("best" primarily defined here as most interesting, rather than most good in a technical sense, or some other measure. I tend to value more highly whether there's something novel or thoughtful about the worldbuilding, tone, writing, base premise, etc - than about whether it's actually executed perfectly.)

And here's the amount of shows that have so far been placed into each category -

TV shows ~ Rank 5 (highest) - 20 shows ~ Rank 4 (mid-high) - 28 shows ~ Rank 3 (neutral/default/meh) - 114 shows ~ Rank 2 (mid low) -33 shows ~ Rank 1 (low low but intriguingly so) - 14 shows ~ Rank 0 (iredeemably low) - 2 shows

This would make for a total of 211 TV shows overall. However, there are 57 shows within these list marked as "didn't finish" (typically meaning I quit on the very first or second episode - but log them still to keep a record that I at least had a brief view of them).

So my total of genuinely fully watched shows would be more 154. 211 Total, but a More Accurate Total of 154.

Counting them all and using the Total Number Of The List (211) -- that means roughly 9.5% of all total shows I have ever watched (or at least attempted to watch) have been Mostly Good, 13% have been Moderately Okay, 54% have been either entirely Forgettable or some mix of good + bad that lands them right in the Neutral Middle, 15.6% have been Mostly Bad, 6.6% have been Bad (but in an interesting way), and 0.9% have been Terribly Bad.

Additionally, I didn't even get past the first two episodes of about 27% of the total.

Sooo, discounting ones I didn't finish, my total TV shows ever watched in my life would be about 154 (maybe give or take a few, assuming I might have forgotten some from very long ago).

But instead of entire life, let's just say this is the total for 'About 20 Years' (so, not counting very early childhood when I likely wouldn't remember things I saw/have no detailed recollection of them (like for example, I'm sure at some point when I was like 4yrs old I must have seen an episode of Spongebob or something, but I have zero distinct memories of it, can't quote anything of it, and barely recall the premise - so I don't count it on the list, etc.)).

In that case, 154 divided by 20 would be roughly 7.7 shows a year.

Which is actually surprisingly low considering that I often have stuff on in the background for hours whilst I make sculptures and do costumes and stuff (maybe I should have also marked some distinction between 'things I fully paid attention to' and 'things I kind of half listened to whilst sculpting', but that would further split the categories too much probably lol), but I guess a lot of that is youtube videos or random documentaries, so .. eh.. maybe I get it being lower.

Now, doing the same thing for movies-

Movies ~ Rank 5 (highest) - 4 movies (3.4% of total) ~ Rank 4 (mid-high) - 12 movies (10.3% of total) ~ Rank 3 (neutral/default/meh) - 91 movies (78.4% of total) ~ Rank 2 (mid low) - 8 movies (6.8% of total) ~ Rank 1 (low but interesting) - 1 movie (0.8% of total) ~ Rank 0 (irredeemably low) - none in this category (0%)

That makes 116 for a Total (Actually Remembered) Movies Watched In Lifetime (Or At Least In 20 Years).

116 divided by 20 is roughly 5 or 6 movies a year (I feel this has probably been skewed though by adding everything since like elementary school onwards, as I remember a lot more movies from child/teen years.. Whereas, the past 3 years I feel like I've barely seen maybe even 5 movies?? lol). I also have "Didn't Finish" marked on 18 of them. Which means I quit halfway through about 15% of the total movies.

So, a for broader summary stuff..

I seem to be less forgiving to movies than tv shows, by far. Which makes sense to me, I guess, because I love elaboration and details, so "short form" things that only last an hour or two are often lost on me a bit. My biggest complaint with movies is indeed usually walking away just wishing there had been more exposition, more scenes where characters are doing nothing, more "mindless bantering" conversations, more Quiet Downtime and Lore Elaboration and so on lol, so... of course most 1-2hr films end up feeling a bit Not Enough To Draw My Interest/Nothingy to me.

If you count 5 and 4 as "like" and rankings 2 to 0 as "dislike", then for TV shows I at least somewhat liked 48 of them, and at least somewhat disliked 47 of them.. So it's almost exactly the same lol. I'm just about equally as likely to find something bad as I am to find something redeeming about it. But overall, the largest chance is that I just won't really care much for it at all and it will be tossed into the 'neutral' pile, forgotten forever. Movies have a bit better of a balance, "liking" 16 of them, and "disliking" only 9 of them. So I'm slightly more likely to enjoy a movie than to find it annoying - though still VASTLY more likely to just not find it anything in particular, possibly not even finishing it.

ANYWAY.. this is vague and literally pointless, but like I said, I just really find information fun. Like my document where I've rated every apple flavor I've ever tried (like 40 of them now?), or reviewed every oreo flavor (32?), or ranking data from my entire 10 years of Trying To Make Friends process (out of 100 people, roughly 8% chance of a moderate compatibility, 3% chance of high), or etc. etc.. I love to have random pointless things to analyze I suppose lol.

I doubt anyone tracks things in their life in this same exact way, but I'd be interested in hearing any at least somewhat similar data !!! (like, how many TV shows you watch a year on average, and what percentage of those you like vs. dislike (if you keep track of that sort of thing), etc.)). I guess it might be easier with movies, since I think some people use those websites where you curate a list of movies you've seen and you can rate them or something, so maybe the numbers are already available on those places. :0

[kasper7489]

I kinda hopped into the dc fandom by reading fics (I know I know lmao)

But as I've read more comics and looked into different characterization and analysis I now have a more developed idea as to how I view a lot of the characters and have preferences to how their written. I'm def the type to click out a fic if I find myself thinking 'he would not fucking say that'

Anyway this is just to say it's very funny to me when I go thru some of the fics I bookmarked at the begining of my interest and find myself going Uh Oh! I don't think I can read this anymore!

[perenlop]

okay so as a gen 5 stan who does adore the story in bw and bw2, and now that gen 5 has experienced both a vicious hatedom that wouldnt hear a single positive thing about the games, and now a super protective fandom that insists they were perfect and had zero flaws... can we admit now that the bw1 story at least was. a little mid.

[phagodyke]

the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

[themyscirah]

Ok game time which 3 series would you just DIE to get a run on ? I'm talking full creative control, can be as a writer or an artist + plotter if that suits your vibe best

My 3 are

Suicide Squad

Wonder Woman

Green Lantern Corps/Green Lanterns

(in that order)

[sundial-bee-scribbles]

"my education is my highest priority" everything returns to vocaloid

[waterfallofspace]

A Word-Filled Update

that no one's asking forrrr~

Sooooo, hiya~ ^^

Realized I kinda dropped out without much word, and wanted to give a lil update to anyone who may care, (and specifically to all the unfilled requests that have been sat in my inbox for months now T~T)

Dropping it under a cut because it gets quite long~ but I'll also TL;DR it with: been a bit burnt out, trying to get back into this, I apologize for all the unanswered asks, and I will be trying to get to the ones I can, but I'll be focusing more on trying to enjoy the process of making content~ Thank you to anyone who's stuck around <3

(Tw for brief mention of mental health/neurodivergencies~ nothing in depth or dark, but just incase anyone wants to avoid that <3)

Nothing serious has been going on, mostly just burn out and a bit of drama in main friend group, combined with free time just being a lot more limited recently~ (not a bad thing, most of it is because I'm getting to talk more with friends I've gotten closer to this past year~)

That said, I've been trying to get back into content, making it, reblogging it, etc, without letting it become all-consuming. I find, with the way my brain works, mostly to do to some wonderful neurodivergent tendencies, I tend to fall heavily into 'all of nothing' mentality.

This shows up in my day to day life, (ie: can't wash the dishes for weeks until I suddenly do them all in one day) and I've definitely noticed it with content creation. Need to write and finish a story in one go, record a wav as fast as possible, always afraid I'll lose that motivation.

But honestly? I love making content on here! And I'm not a huge blog, nor do I care if I am (at least trying not to, if I'm being painfully honest~) but I genuinely love making content. Whether it's just for me, a request that I am hoping one specific person will enjoy, or a story I write with a community in mind, I just love creating~

So, I'm trying to ease my way back into this! Bit by bit, let it be fun, and enjoyable, with less internal pressure to produce as much as I can, as fast as I can, and make it be perfect.

I won't lie and say 'numbers don't matter to me', if I'm honest, they do. But I'm learning more and more how to let it be about the content, and to just enjoy the process~ (and if people like it, that'll be a wonderful bonus!~)

Wooo this is getting so long, I apologize sincerely! Last thing, something I've mentioned a few times previously but never really let myself get into... requests~

I'm so honoured that people care about my content enough to have asked for things, and getting any ask, request, praise, ask lists, heck even just a 'hi!' is honestly the best part of this blog for me!

Buuuut, I definitely worked myself into burn-out before with a "every request needs to be filled and fast" mentality, that led to just... not filling any.

So! I'm going back through my inbox, and deleting some older ones that I don't have a clear vision/motivation for. I apologize to anyone who requested them, though by now it's possible they're long gone~ But I think this will help me not only start enjoying the creation process without feeling so overwhelmed, but also start actually getting more content made~

There are definitely a bunch that I still adore, and am thrilled to get to test out, but if there's one you remember sending, and you really want to see it completed, please feel free to send another ask saying what it is you want done, and I'll see if I can get that going <3

And if you've stuck it out to the end here- uh hi! ^^ I'm sorry this is so long, I'm such a words person, but I appreciate you so much, not just for any support you've offered, but just bothering to read this <3 I genuinely didn't expect most to make it this far, so thank you so deeply <3 and I hope to see you guys around as I start reblogging stuff more!~

[fruitsyrups]

ca n we all agree that human bonnie would not be a baker btw

[gunstellations]

unreachable