#but like medication costs money
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i think maybe perhaps i should start possibly considering medicating my adhd
#graveyardtxt#i think my friends may have been right to be shocked when i said that i donāt take any medication#oh boy executive dysfunction is hitting harder and harder everyday#but like medication costs money#and my mom is very anti-meds and will fuss about it whenever she can#i canāt get anything done#iām barely passing my classes#iām going to rot away and melt into a puddle istg#adhd
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And thatās a wrap for Comic Con 2024! Ha, it was a lot of fun, but I really enjoyed dressing up as Mondo today! I even had a couple people recognize him! And a few others just liked the hair, one of whom asked how long it took me to get my hair like that, which tells me that at least it looks natural enough for people to mistake it as my actual hair, ha.
Overall, Comic Con was cool! On Thursday, I attended a live podcast recording for Braving the Elements, which is an Avatar the Last Airbender podcast hosted by Janet Varney and Dante Bosco (the voices of Korra and Zuko, respectively), and I actually got a trivia question right and I should (hopefullyā¦) get an email from them soon to get a prize for answering the question right. If notā¦ oh well. At least Iāll be featured briefly on the podcast answering trivia correctly, even though I usually suck at trivia, ha.
The rest of the days were a bit more meh, but I still had fun. I won a Pokeball ornament from a Hallmark panel, since I knew how many Squirtles were in the Squirtle Squad, aha. Which leaves my trivia score 2 for 2 at the moment.š
I also got a free shirt and scarf for the upcoming Yakuza live action show, which was neat. Iāve never played Yakuza, but my brother has, so I was able to give him the shirt at least.
Still, while Comic Con was fun, Iām definitely glad itās over so I can go home and clean up from my frantic cosplay creating the last several weeks, oof.
Also! On the first day I dressed at Taka, but since I was by myself I only have the one photo my dad was able to quickly take of me before he had to drive off and a quick selfie I took in the car.
#danganronpa#mondo owada#kiyotaka ishimaru#GPOY#ishimondo#personal post#My angry face could do some work ha#I can do a mean death glare. But angry face? Not as much sadly#Oh well.#Oh! And Iām kinda proud of myself with the Taka costume#Not for anything I did on the costume but because I was able to lose enough weight to fit into the cosplay jacket I bought years ago!#It was too small when I bought it and while I got it refunded I didnāt actually return it#Since the company was trying to make me spend $40 to send it back?#And I was likeā¦ that pretty much takes up the majority of the cost of the outfit what.#So I never sent it back and still got the money for it#I always thought that MAYBE I would one day lose enough weight to fit it#But I didnāt have much hope of it#But! I have found a good medication that helps with my appetite and I am trying to exercise more#And now the jacket fits!#The pants of the cosplay still donāt but thatās fine#I have white pants ha#Oh also yes my hair did deflate as the day went on ha#Iāll fix it before the next con I decide to wear this costume to#Luckily I didnāt overheat that badly while wearing it#There was one moment where I got very dizzy but that happens every so often with me these days#The heat didnāt help but it didnāt fully cause it either
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saw a post about projecting your ethnicity onto a character and started missing vespa ilkay. so so bad
#pov u grow up in a 3rd world country(/planet) where healthcare workers are exported by the thousands like cheap produce to richer countries#it's your ticket out of poverty as long as you can deal with the loneliness the separation from everyone you know the discrimination etc#ive never talked about my hc that vespas mother was one of them sending money every month visiting every couple of years until it just stop#like why return to the swamps when youre doing fine working on a richer planet w much better living conditions#cost of living rises every year. sending home a % of your salary used to be enough to support your husband and daughter and then it isnt#you know how it goes#vespa is also dead set on this path until ranga realizes that hemorrhaging healthcare workers leaves them with little to none of their own#students on scholarships or in community/state universities are bound by return service agreements and are forbidden to leave the country#until theyve rendered a few years of work on ranga to pay back their tuition + as a really shitty solution to the brain drain problem#this is real in my country btw but my professors say a lot of ppl do break their rsa's and fucked off to work in other countries LOL#our state unis can barely afford decent facilities they do nottt have the budget to chase down their own alumni in other countries!#but the mental image is a bit funny#vespa ilkays first crime: tinakasan ang rsa#i do also think it lines up with her having a network of med friends everywhere in the galaxy (heart of it all) you kind of go into pre/med#expecting most of your classmates to leave to work in other countries eventually. mine are aiming for the usa / uae / europe / japan etc#anyway whether vespa breaks her rsa or not she leaves ranga asap decides to switch careers and the rest is history#i also deeply love the fact that she's superstitious i'm very sad it wasn't highlighted more (i've only heard s1-3)#as someone who did grow up in a rural area and went to more albularyos/folk healers than doctors in my childhood. (they never failed me)#lots of folk illnesses (ex. balis; pasma) local medical superstitions (dont eat noodles in hospital; youll have a really toxic shift) etcc#theres also a lot of potential in tying her past as a rangian + med student + assassin to me idk how to word this properly#being raised on cautionary tales of not to touch/disturb anything in the swamps then being given free reign to poke & prod at things in her#lab classes (now with the proper ppe)....she was having so much fun with the curemother prime too lmao#years of walking hanging bridges docks boathouses in ranga etc gave her great balance & stealth#cracking open alien shellfish in the swamps to cutting open bodies for studying then for assassination....#I MISS HER SO MUCH BALIK KN SAKEN šššššš#i get why most people + the canon focuses on her being an assassin bc people find that cooler i guess#but vespa being a swamp girl > 3rd world med student > assassin is so personal To Me. the whole pipeline. eugh.#skl.txt
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nate being the only doctor makes me wonder what he's had to do for the others before
Nate does a lot for the crew. (Also woo look at his human disguise!)
When he's not actively treating or checking on them, he's constantly working to compare studies and test data to understand how to treat his friends, seeing as they have widely different genetic makeups and could react in ways that are *catastrophically* unexpected.
He can't use human rules when working on them, which greatly complicates things when he's educated in treating humans. Sera and Vince naturally have nucleated blood cells for greater oxygen input since they're always in rigorous activity, but this is a sign of leukemia or other major deficiency in humans. How do drugs interact with their bodies? what reaction will their immune systems have? do they have an intolerance to certain chemical developments?
This is partly why Vincent underwent so much testing and experimentation- to catalogue and document an atlas for the reproduction and understanding of this hybrid Variant species, and how every facet of its anatomy works in that respect. Like a rough draft you don't care about messing up, and use only to learn from.
Sorry Vince.
It's a wonder how Nathaniel was able to successfully recompile enough information to save his friends at all. It's a lot of stress on one guy with no nurses! That goes without saying for Amon (who is a beastshifter) Sonia... (Who is a living chemical synthesis lab) The various other people who end up joining... (Who shall remain incognito)
...Yikes.
He has likely seen all of them naked at least once, due to emergencies. He's extremely professional, so it's like it never happened... But it's still never fun to have to use that kind of ER protocol on your injured friends and associates.
Everyone except for Vincent, since V never lets Nathaniel treat him for anything, even when he needs it.
Instead, everyone caught a harrowing and unwanted glimpse of Vincent when he landed back home after streaking in the rain. He now flies with his pants duct-taped on. And goggles. For the glare and the overwhelming surplus of bugs he slams into at twice the speed of a f1 car.
#devarambles#nathanieltag#one of the awkward facts about their situation as rogues is they have zero medical support besides Nathaniel.#and he has to constantly inform himself on their respective anatomy because theres so much undocumented info on variant medicine#Despite all of the extensive testing and processing reports done on variants#which is done in reference to improving human medicine. not necessarily variant healthcare. useful data regarding treating people is...#few and far between. Private research and study is usually done for variations that prove useful to government positions.#So variant healthcare is usually employed towards certain government divisions or certain levels of corporate practices. otherwise they#simply don't bother. āit costs less money to replace you than it does to keep you alive.ā#Lol nate chose a shorter and thinner appearance when masking as a human. It makes him look a lot more approachable and his knees don't hurt#Sera... feels somewhat unnerved by his human form. It feels like she's cheating on him somehow. She has him change back when he's home.#He's perfectly happy with that since he doesn't like being disguised much either. He's pleasantly surprised to see that she prefers him#to be true blue. Most previous partners would request him to change into other forms. Sometimes he was even asked to turn into celebrities.#Not fun. Really not fun. He'd eventually associate his true self with something undesirable enough to be rejected over.
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#sorry i need to rant#its gonna be miserable#bear with me#or skip#6 months#6 MONTHS i have been jobless and at home#i may have cried because im clueless about my life#but wasnt a single day where i cried for having no money#i made sure that my existence wasnt costing money#(well except for the monthly fever medication)#now i got a job#i need to move out#i have to stay at a friend's house#where there is no bed#ill have to buy a bed#money#they dont cook#i need to eat#i ahve to catch busbdaily to get to the place#i have to buy lunch because i didnt pack one because we dont have gas#i have to buy a dress for the neighbours wedding#FUCKKKKKKKKKK#and for some stupid logic i said ill start on monday which falls on 28th the end of the fucking month??????#like???#stupid as bitch
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if i might bitch about work for a second: yesterday was hellishly bad despite being able to keep up with it and i found out that apparently our department made 4600 dollars yesterday which is making me angry beyond belieffffffff
#this is math i do fairly often bc i enjoy ho-hum math and hate my job and like#even if we took off 2000 bucks for overhead costs which feels excessive but i will concede it#that would be enough to pay everyone working a little over 860 dollars which is 300 more than what i make in a WEEK#literally WHEREEEEE IS IT WHERE IS IT GOING WHERE IS IT#i dont like following this logic through because on days where there are fewer orders we;d do less#and i disagree with gig work's implementation as ive seen it and i think that would stress people out worse than we already are#(which is significantly)#but at the same time. 850 dollars. i cant afford to buy groceries this week. 850 dollars...#can i get a BONUS or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it makes me soooo angry i was talking to one of the deli guys who asked for a raise and got denied mid-question#before our director accidentally showed him that their department is four thousand of gods own dollars under labor#its so revolting to me i talk to so many people in this store who are terrified because of medical bills or rent or car shit#half my department works two jobs just to get by and ALL OF THEM drive junkers#honestly one of the things thats scaring me about if i actually move out is that i do rely on...living with my mom#i pay for most of my own food i pay an absurd amount of rent to share a room with her but she's willing to drive me to work#even though i've offered to walk multiple times and she REALLY should prioritize her own time more#but at the same time...not having to pay for rides has been carrying me hard#if i got a car i'd be fucked because those things bleed money and generally ethically i disagree with cars#but if i dont its like okay pony up the money learn to navigate buses (except for sunday when they dont run) or get ready#to walk to your job where you walk all day and then walk home in the dark#which. i love walking. and listening to music on my own while walking. so bad example. but i also love not having my feet hurt#all the time always no matter what im doing which is something im becoming increasingly unfamiliar with#its like. ultimately. something's gonna get fucked no matter what#and then i hear a figure like 4600 and i remember how avoidable all of this shit is. how avoidable it is for ANY of us#our ceo is gonna walk away from this merger attempt with 5 billion dollars in safety-cushion money#the 10 top execs beneath him with 1 billion#and its just so. what can you even do. 5 billion. can a number like that even mean anything? how could you possibly need that much#850 dollars would be a lifechanging amount of money for me right now and im not even one of the worst off#its just. god. this world could be anything but what it is but its this and for what
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I feel insane. Listening to some people talk about struggling with balanced consistent eating and out of every point they make to why it's a struggle they keep circling back to its so expensive. I feel like. Can people hear themselves. Does anyone hear how insane that sounds. Food is hard because it's so expensive. Food. That thing you need to. You know. Survive. To live . The most basic. Food is so expensive nowadays it's so hard to eat enough. HELLO? THAT'S INSANE
#tide of consciousness#The number one reason for why someone might struggle with eating enough should not be MONEY#THIS FEELS LIKE. DO WE REALLY LIVE IN THIS WORLD#I CAN'T HANDLE THINKING ABOUT THIS I'M GOING TO FALL APART#Everytime I think about how the most necessary tools to just be able to live are the most expensive ones I just#I can't#I can't handle that. God its horrific#The idea that someone out there went here's a thing a large majority of the population needs to literally survive#That means they HAVE to pay me this price for it! Huzzah! Instant money cheat! I HATE YOU#I can't think about glasses I can't think about phones I can't think about insulin or any medication#I can't think about it. Every little thing that people depend on to accomplish anything that costs hundreds to thousands of dollars#Its so scary#The environment this creates makes therapy a near requirement to get through things at times#Paywall that too.#Like how does anyone deal with feeling like every system exists only to push as much money out of me as possible#You have to make money to buy the things you need so you work 12 hours a day to make the money to pay for these things#Like you can't. You can't have a life anymore you just have to work for the most basic necessities and you're left with no time no money#No life at all. Everyone exists just to create product and keep the economy moving#I can't think about this. I can't handle it I can't fathom it I can't I can't I can't
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I miss gaininggg... and I want to go back on hrt because it made me think about food all the time and I gained like 30-35lbs after going on it but the only place I buy underwear only goes up to a 2X and I'm already wearing their 2X š¢ And like. As someone with a lot of clothing sensory issues that's something that's really holding me back from gaining more right now :(
#I'm finally on the medication I need to be on in order to get back on hrt too... š#I just keep daydreaming about being bigger and softer and missing the way my weight was distributed on hrt#I know I just need to try out a few brands that have 3x+ sizing and find a new one I like but... That costs money and mental effort...#I've been wearing this same brand for like 10 years now š„²#But now that I'm a 2X the colors are all like. Fucking beige and baby blue and I have to wait until they restock black to buy any š®āšØ#So that brand can go fuck itself but also they're so comfortable I can't help it...
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money š like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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This probably sounds super pedantic, but I hate how people, and especially businesses and governments, are re-framing 'commuters' and 'clients' as 'customers.'
#step 1: governments chronically underfund public services like transport + medical + welfare + education (despite increasing costs)#step 2: private companies swoop in and promise to take over public services for small benefits (advertising or tax concessions or whatever)#step 3: private companies change the way people talk and think about the service - it's not a public good but something to make money#step 4: governments reframe public services as a way to make money and start budgeting around that assumption#step 5: governments make the process of accessing the public service as cumbersome as possible to disincentivise its use#and so on
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life with primitive dogs is me everyday asking my pack: will you be governable today? and they go "only if you provide us with payment good enough to exchange our labor for and our standards for that labor payment will change daily. and if we don't want to do it that day? Even for payment? You are out of luck."
#dogblr#dog behavior#what i'm saying is that malamutes are socialists.#they do work for me but it costs me money lmao. as their 'government'#i provide their medical care good diets and fun#and yet they still know how and when they would like to demand what they are owed#like god forbid i don't KNOW that zombie wants to go outside before she goes to the door#she knocks the first time with such distain and sass i am simply of the belief she wants a dog door so she doesn't have to ask#these silly humans for things#(i will NOT get a dog door bc my dogs would 100% dig up poopsicles that have gone unseen during yard cleanup and bring them inside)
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If šŖ all those politicians, ceos, and those who perpetuate the nightmare American healthcare system that only exists to prey and profit off from human lives would stop it, I'd do it even if it means cutting down half of my lifespan or going to purgatory. If it means people won't have to suffer anymore, I would.
#cuz such sick fkcn Evil shouldn't exist#they don't NEED that kind of money. but the health care system is built to make profit 100%.#so many ppl suffering at their expenses in 1st world country like America is ridiculous#I was ranting about this with a paramedic not too long ago and I agree#calling an ambulance costs $2000 alone and shit shouldn't be like this#and med professions don't have much control over it#and medical admins not run by actual doctors and med professionals who knows how it goes but only trained to make $$$#have no fuckin clue how to run a hospital. they know how to make money that's it#may they burn#system is built to fuck someone over either way. refuse Care and you get sick. you accept the care and now you're riddled with heavy debt#shut up cici#cici venting#healthcare#fuck this country's system#If I don't have my health insurance anymore which I can easily lose#then I'm in real trouble with all the mental health meds I'm on..#sorry I need to let this out#idk if purgatory exists but if it does
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our brain's decided to freak out over shit that definitely feels ridiculous and like we're freaking out over something tiny and I can't even pinpoint why the thing is an issue but our brain clearly does not fucking like it.
but I just realised we missed some doses of one of our usual medications and from past experience that gives us wild mood swings and makes us get upset about tiny things and just have an overall shit time so I guess that explains at least some of what our brain's been doing today.
there's also just the fact that we're so overwhelmed with stress and pain and medication side effects and struggling to keep up with anything that even tiny things that wouldn't normally be an issue end up giving us panic attacks and being absolute hell to deal with.
but unfortunately I still have to deal with feeling like I'm being overly-dramatic and like people are judging me for it and it doesn't fucking help that we've already had so many instances over the last month where we've been told our triggers don't make sense and that we're too sensitive and need to just shut up and deal with things and should bottle up our emotions so other people don't have to deal with us being stressed and upset
#personal#thoughts#š¬ post#vent post#posts made on pain meds#I understand that dealing with me being upset probably isn't great but like... imagine how I fucking feel#like I'm sorry I keep getting irritable and upset and being spaced out all the time#it's just that for nearly 2 months I've been in severe pain and haven't slept properly and have had medications completely fuck me up#and I'm dealing with some of our worst triggers on a daily basis#I'm struggling to eat. I keep waking up in so much pain I can't sit up#my life is a fucking disaster right now because I can't keep track of anything or remember what the fuck I'm meant to be doing#and the treatment I need is probably going to cost basically all the money I have#and on top of all that I have to worry about people getting annoyed at me for struggling to keep my room clean#or not remembering things very well or getting upset when things trigger me or literally just having needs
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what if you: wanted to work on artfight prep
but god said: car break down be stressed forever
#rambumbles#this happened yesterday and I am still. doing bad. haheho#I love (hate) my ancient money-sink vehicle yayyyyyy#when your car starts smoking in the middle of the road and then you sit baking alive for 40 minutes in the 3pm texas heat#while waiting for assistance. and then you go to work for 8 hours !!#at least I have enough in savings to hopefully get something decent if I need a new car. sigh#uncertainty makes me anxious and I felt like I was finally returning to a stable point after getting my power back a few weeks ago#and now it's just all shit again#I need to get medicated or something but that costs even more time and money because diagnoses are hard and I don't know how insurance work#and my parents don't take my mental issues seriously because they don't take their own issues seriously#and so now I don't even take my own issues seriously and then I overestimate myself and end up crying at work#because No I Am Not Great Actually#everything is so much. and then you die#I think I went off a bit much here. sorry I'll be fine I promise I am just exhausted and scared and sleep-deprived
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i also have to up my goal from $600 to $800 usd because on top of wanting to pay back my mother for missed rent i also need to start taking driving instruction classes and hope I passed the tests despite being severely bipolar
#ANYWHO#admittedly i need a mode of transportation thats safe for me and idk about driving while unmedicated#but getting medication will cost me like $300 usd#and i do not think i can reasonably get like nearly $1000 from my art alone but i dont consider myself unfortunate enough to#make donation drives or gofundmes. that feels weird for me because im not straight up homeless just basically unemployed#with the hours i work and the money i get for it like LMAO? $200 A MONTH? I OUGHT TO K
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Maybe I need to be a little more direct with my parents that I Need Money for my medical problems right now. Because they're on a fancy trip abroad with my sibling, and I'm trying to balance my budget between rent and food and going to the doctor and I honestly might have to cut doctor visits if the rate at which my already measly savings is being eaten up keeps up. Like damn ya'll can afford to go sight see in another country, but you can't spare the broke disabled bitch who you didn't take to the doctor no matter how many times I said I had a bad back a bit of grocery money? Okay!!!
#im just venting dont send me any money about this my situation is still stable rn#god i dont want to resent my family as much as i do or at least i dont wanna think about it rn#but theyre all like 'teehee look at our fancy vacation photos!'#and i dont careee actually!#i want them to step up and actually care about my health for once#its whatever ill just continue to watch them cover all the medical costs for both my sisters while im still disabled and undiagnosed#it's nothing new#otto thoughts: do not touch
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