#i’m barely passing my classes
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i think maybe perhaps i should start possibly considering medicating my adhd
#graveyardtxt#i think my friends may have been right to be shocked when i said that i don���t take any medication#oh boy executive dysfunction is hitting harder and harder everyday#but like medication costs money#and my mom is very anti-meds and will fuss about it whenever she can#i can’t get anything done#i’m barely passing my classes#i’m going to rot away and melt into a puddle istg#adhd
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please send me asks if you see this literally everything is SO shitty in my life rn i need a distraction so bad
#i’m actually on the verge of a full on mental breakdown#my mom and one of my sisters aren’t speaking#another one is having major issues planning her wedding#another one is having friend issues at college#i can’t pass my precalc class#my teacher literally won’t teach me#i don’t know anything#i barely care anymore#i’m so fucking tired#my dog keeps reinjuring herself#i’m extremely fucking done with life#stranger things#byler#chappell roan#taylor swift#mike wheeler#stranger things 5
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WOOOO IM DONE FOR THE SEMESTER!!!
#YAYYY’#I’ve passed all my classes!#well except Axcounting 😭#I barely got a D so I’m retaking that#BUT YAY.#SUMMER VAYCAY
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Made my first junk journal spread in awhile tonight and I like how it turned out :) I haven’t touched my junk journal since May, but still was collecting junk and stuff since. I’d still like to get myself some more washi tapes, more stickers and lots of pattern paper/paper pads, but I’ll work with what I got for now
#I used some new stickers I got last weekend when my parents were gone and took my brother out to a couple stores#got them at five below and daiso (which I’ve been wanting to go to for a long time but mom wouldn’t go there cuz she doesn’t like the store)#I wanna go back to daiso soon for more stickers and paper/stationary#also wanna take pictures of a few pages I’ve done so far that I like and post them on social media (soon hopefully)#oh and I start my next 3 online classes tomorrow; I’m a bit nervous but I’ll do my best#it’s anatomy/physiology 1; a lab for that and a sociology class#I’m a bit nervous for anatomy/physiology but I’ve taken them many times before and luckily I still have old books/notes I can reference#I’ll do my best and try to go good grades but it’s also ok for me to pass at the bare minimum of a 75% 😬👍🏼
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ALL OF MY GRADES HAVE BEEN SO GOOD I’M SO HAPPY
#a 6 is like an 85-90% i think? something like that#and a 6 is like the lowest i’ve got in weekssss oml i’m so happy abt this#last week i got an 8 on my science essay???? which is a 100??? i was so shocked#my grades for this quarter are gonna be amazing#except in gym where i have a b+ lol#i'm just trying to pass this class so i never have to do it again i'm doing the bare minimum
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YA GIRL DID IT YALL WOOHOO (I PASSED THE MATH TEST)
#yippee !#SEVENTEEN OUT OF TWENTY FOR BABYYYY#barely passed BUT ISSOKAY THE IMPROVEMENT WAS HUGE (i got a single digit in the last test 🤡)#ANYWAYS MY MA’S PROUD OF ME AND MY DAD IS TOO WHAT THE FUCK#he’s never proud of me holy shit#guess i’m that much of a disappointment he thinks me barely passing is smth to be proud of!#GIRL I KEEP DAMPENING MY OWN MOOD BYE IM SOSO FUCKING HAPPY AND THANKFUL FOR MY MATH TEACHER’S AFTER CLASSES THE END THANK YOU AND GOODBYE
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Today was the second birthday this year of a friend that I thought I was really close with that i didn’t get invited to
#birthday#fake friends#friend group#I’ve literally counseled this girl through half her shit this year and then she doesn’t even invite me to her birthday that she invited#people she barely talks to too and then after that she turns around and hangs out with my fucking brother of all people#I can’t wait for a new school next year so I can finally get away from the people who stopped appreciating me a long time ago#I know it sounds kinda selfish but I truly have not done anything (in the last 4 years) to ever hurt or fully disregard them and I really#don’t know what happened#one week we were waking to and from school together everyday and now I feel like I’ve been rejected from our walking group and I’m literally#uncomfortable walking with them in the mornings because they just fully ignore me the entire time#this isn’t even about just the one friend anymore#this is also happening with someone else who was supposed to be my best friend and now she barely talks to me anymore#and like I can accept that we’re not bffs anymore cause it happened a year or two ago so I’ve moved passed it#but she just pretends I don’t exist anymore#we have like three classes together and on snap she got an send it that’s said like tag your fav people on each class#and when I tell you i was in the room with her when she posted I and she didn’t even mention me#istfg#im gonna stop now because this is getting extremely ranty but I can’t really talk to anyone about this irl so this is just my vent space now
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#stares at the ceiling#i don’t know why this semester is so hard for me I just can’t pull myself together or get anything done ever#everything is just barely scraping by on the deadline#and I need to pass my classes this semester I have to it’s expensive I need to graduate a semester early#but I can’t get myself to do anything#I can’t ask anyone for any real help because I’m too scared and its easier to scrape by and hide and just fail than to not do it on my own#really got back from break at home and immediately fell apart huh#no tags just venting
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Me when i realize that actually October of last year was the real life actual worst time of my life like i wouldn’t leave my bed for days and I’d sleep for 20 hours at a time and i couldn’t eat without throwing up or having a panic attack and the whole time i was still going to school once a week because i knew i had to cheer at games so i was destroying my body once a week just trying to keep up and i was so physically sick i didn’t realize how depressed and anxious i was because i thought it was “brain fog” from being sick
#oh and also sleeping in my car before school because id already be tired#barely speaking for days and snapping at people when i did#not passing any classes because i couldn’t focus because of the pain and fatigue#all of it was so exhausting I’m so thankful that that chapter of my life is over
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i’m panicking about my health, my car, school, my future, my relationships with ppl, about my entire life rn p much
#bumbles (bee mumbles)#as much as i hated my dad i did feel a certain amount of security when i could rely on him for the few things i could#he was like a car necromancer#it would function but just kinda barely zombie like vers#and now that he’s passed almost all at once all the cars and things he’s fixed up are breaking#like he infused his soul into them and they no longer has his ecto goop to hold it together#i’ve been ignoring my health problems bc i really hate going to the dr#idk maybe it’s bc i’m fat but they always dismiss my problems and i really am not mentally strong enough to advocate for myself#i tell them i’m in pain and something is wrong and they do maybe two tests and say we can’t find anything bye#and so i just feel like an idiot for going#bc obviously i’m just making a big deal out of nothing#i don’t want to be doing school this semester after last semester i ended up in urgent care twice bc my stress got to my body so hard#i’m taking less classes/more classes i’m actually interested in#but i feel like i’m gonna fall apart horribly again and i just transferred and feel so aimless#but i also feel extremely obligated to go bc that was the last thing my dad wanted from me before he passed#i feel so fucking stupid his death has effected me so bad he was an abusive monster#i feel so disconnected from my sisters that i was super close with#i fee like i’m talking to a wall of past interactions and neither of us can see who we currently are#i feel like i can’t connect to the ppl around me#i’ve been disassociating too often i accidentally keep checking out which is pissing ppl off#i’m so tired and fatigued and depressed that ppl can’t really rely on my and i fee useless and like a drain#plus i just feel so scared all the time recently like all the worst case scenarios are plaguing me#like scared my car is going to explode or my cat is going to have a heart attack or ppl died while traveling or some freak accident
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Fuck.
#turtledove is not vibing#///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////#///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////#/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////::::::::////#I think I’m having an episode#Like a bad one. Really bad one#I haven’t felt this shitty in months#time isn’t moving. It’s been the same time forever.#I just had to sit and stare at my phone clock for almost a full minute to make sure the time actually passed#Gh#I think it’s because there’s just too much happening in my life rn#I’ve barely gotten home I still feel like a visitor in my own room and I’m flying out to see family IN A FUCKING DAY#and then I get back and only have a couple days before school starts#and registration is tmmr#and I fucked ip and now I’m p sure my gf thinks she made me upset when she didn’t#And none of my music is hitting properly#and I really really need to sleep because I have to actually Get Up tmmr because I HAVE REGISTRATION#and I don’t remember what classes I picked and I’m terrified I’m going to have to take normal pe instead of online#And I know it sounds stupid but I’m just . too weak to do normal pe#And I hate hate hate exercising in front of people I don’t know it makes me want to tear my skin off#My head feels like sandpaper and I’m going to genuinely start crying#I think I might Have to draw actually I don’t think there’s a way for me to calm down and go to bed that isn’t like#Making Something#Ok. Erm. Ok
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Best thing ever is when you think you fucked up on an exam but then it turns out you actually did really well . It’s a joy I can’t describe
#once wrote a check exam and thought I had barely passed (like 5/6 points)#in Germany 15 points is the best grade#but barely anyone gets 15 points#if you’re really good you normally get 14 or 13#the next grade is 12/11/10 points#then 9/8/7 is another grade#and 6/5/4 is barely passed#basically grades are fractured into points#anyway#I thought I’d barely passed#our teacher handed back our exam papers individually and outside in the hallway to talk about them with us immediately#and internally I was getting my sob story ready ‘oh mrs teacher my mum had cancer and I couldn’t focus on school that much and everything#was shitty etc’ which it was and it was also the reason why I hadn’t done so well in some classes but the teachers were very nice and#understanding#anyway I was getting that story ready and went out#and she begins showing me the exam#I’m preparing my tears#she’s like ‘oh Rahel why didn’t you notice this mistake blah etc you should’ve noticed that it’s so obvious’#and she goes on and on and I’m like ok I clearly haven’t done well#and she flips the exam to show my the grade#and mind you my normal grade was like 9 points in chem#and I got fucking 12 points#I had and have never done so well on a chem exam#I was so shocked#great day#did not need to tell my sob story#rahel writes exams
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got a Spanish written test tomorrow and I know I’m fucked. I can write in the language But:
- handwriting is Not my thing and also this is added to by a bunch of blisters all over my hand (from the sun)
- my Spanish teacher keeps marking me down for “using the wrong gendered word ending for myself”. I’ve lost a max of 5 marks per paper on this and she’s really gotta start getting the goddamn message. but I instinctively use the masc word endings because number one It’s Fucking Right and number two! not using it really stresses me out and I forget the rest of my fucking sentence! Christ!
#rant#cw injury#cw transphobia#<- not really but just in case#I’m not out to her but I look as masc as possible and honestly???#if I use it continuously and don’t fuck up the grammar! it shouldn’t matter!#christ.#also I’m already barely passing Spanish cause of my handwriting#and I get headaches every goddamn lesson#(entire class yelling. so much.)
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i’m not turning in my final & that’s self care
#i’m gonna pass the class anyway#would’ve been nice to get an a or b but i’ll take it#also i had barely started on it#so like it’s not worth it putting myself through the stress of scrambling to write 4 pages in a day#no joke i think this is a big moment for me cuz this is me deciding not to put my academic performance above everything else#midnight chatters
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great additions from @scalp-book and @7micahs
truly do not understand how people just slip into relationships and jobs and opportunities and friend groups and lifestyles. to me there are a million obstacles to navigate in a single basic conversation
#I have been a weirdo my entire life and somehow have ways been able to find connection#and some of it my good friends is sheet dumb LUCK#my high school class had some wonderful weirdos in it who I’m still friends with#and the grade above me did too#whereas my sister a year younger than me just didn’t gel as well with the people in her grade#and I thought about it and was like. damn if I’d been a year younger I probably would’ve also struggled with that#like in any group or walk of life there are always weirdos but they’re not MY weirdos y’know???#gotta find that compatible brand of weird#and same with jobs I am only just barely functional-passing enough to make it and even then I have a select group#of fellow teachers who can handle my chaotic energy lmao#so much of it is luck!! and just being chaotically stupid enough to go for it and leaning into your awkwardness and making it endearing#one potato queue potato three potato four#human connection#us weirdos have to stick together#cause we are living in a neurotypical world#and I am a neurodivergent girl 🎶
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My classmate yesterday said she was barely passing her science class (she had a 95)
#i wanted to punch her#i am someone who typically does pretty well in school (so far) and a 95 to me is straight up great#barely passing is a sixty fucking five like good lord lower your standards or i’ll do it for you#she then asked how my grades were (better than hers but i’m not taking any accelerated or advanced classes)#felt rants
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