#but it's like 'oh no i cant do that bc i have this thing later' but on a larger scale
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom
#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this#(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect#making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard#also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift#AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled#but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen#also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot#but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested#not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap#and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied#which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh#and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer#like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage#and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc#AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be#but ANXIETY#its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember#if i fucked up or not#and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much#fuck#wish me luck#ks talks
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i don't even like video games so why have i been playing Red Dead 2 for the past eight hours gay
#i think me brain likes the Reward of successfully one hit killing things with a bow and arrow#i was born in the wrong generation (should've been a hunter gatherer)#i dont even care about the story!!! the tutorial / first chapter was tedious as fuck!#im only completing missions to unlock things so that i can Keep Fucking Around!!!#also my horse's name is wizard and if anything happens to her im killing everyone in this game#thankfully when the fuckin. asshole odriscolls Ambushed me i was riding a backup horse i'd just tamed#so THAT one died instead of my darling wizard. but still. cmon#she was a gorgeous buckskin... her name was gonna be Egg... i was on my way to the stable to name her...#BUT YEAH I DONT EVEN LIKE THIS GAME ALL THAT MUCH WHY CANT I STOP PLAYING#maybe my brain is like 'oh my god finally something New. something other than the same shit we've been doing'#killin turkeys and deer#i tracked an elk into a train tunnel AND HIT IT!!#but it didnt die!!! and ran out!!! and then i couldnt find it!!! cmon!!#this game is so infuriating Why Cant I Stop#absolutely unprompted#though i have been thoroughly entertaining myself with my own antics#'i want to be nice to people 🥺'#ten seconds later im killing a man i couldve easily saved purely bc there were no witnesses around <3#well! he would'a talked! i got a camp to protect and provide for!#oh ok yeah i also think my brain likes being able to be a rugged western man w a beard#riding horses and Providing in a slutty little outfit i picked out#most of the game is Such A Drag (as my darling shikamaru would say)#but there are some good bits. addicting bits. sigh#like the allure of open world. optional story. yeah <3#no rules <3
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not to be a milennial but harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban really is that bitch....
#mom wanted to rewatch the movies so we've been going thru them <3#talk about a movie thats just like. grief. i turn into the jamie lee curtis halloween trauma supercut#SORRY..... the visuals are peak like that IS the hp vibe to ME and i am BLOWN AWAY this movie was made in 2004 it feels ahead of its time#the first two are so whimsical and magical enrapturing and this movie is like. a well worn cardigan. this feels 2011 cozycore to me#sorry but the introduction of lupin becoming a comforting trusted guardian type of figure AND the dementors representing hollow depression#this 13 yr old whos been kept in the dark on so many things being extra vulnerable prey to them bc of the severe trauma#but getting lessons on how to withstand that creeping dread.. through happy memories... still bonding w lupin increasngly ouagh...#the grief between them both over james and lily. also btw ofc defense against the dark arts being fighting yr fears through laughter. aaaaaa#and then sirius. black. im. i know we meme on the twelve years of it! in azkaban! but as a bitch whos now closer to those characters in age#and can appreciate and understand them obv more than i could when i was. a tween. that just hits like ok shit. VALID#so valid and real to see the child of your friends you knew at that age but who DIED and then see the friend who betrayed them#to see like the best of BOTH of them mirrored and living on in him and be like yknow what???? you WILL be protected frm that same fate#hoooo the briefest moment where harry might hope things will turn out okay. w sirius' name being cleared and peter having to explain himself#and sirius being like hey i get it if you want to stay w your family that is fine but. if you wanna move in w me...#(harry relaying this to hermione later as well. dreaming of a place fr just the two of them somewhere in the countryside#somewhere..... sirius might see the sky..... bc he thinks he would like that after all those years locked up do not even touch me rn.......)#only fr everything to turn to shit two friends fighting w deadly force. the chance to set this right slipping off into the night.#a million dementors descending relentlessly until utter exhaustion and certain death. some strange salvation? fight for a second chance?#but then still havign to say goodbye when they only just GOT this. and everything still being so. god. and lupin having to leave as well.#the thought of sirius also WANTING that guardian type connection but being forced to live in 1. a cave barely living more freely than before#2. then being confined to the stuffy somber abusive home he ran away from as a teen w that portrait still up there and everything.. bitch...#oh man the way i KNOW when we get to ootp (my favourite) its gonna leave me blasted into a million little pieces#the way i know shit like the knowing wink the entirety of the wall tapestry room scene and of course nice one james is gonna DESTROY me..#dont even talk to me abt that dark turn at the end of gof and how everything after gets soooo. god. w everything just getting destroyed and.#i cant even think abt it i cant even talk about it. wah#i dont care btw that they aged those guys up undermining how insanely young these people died. perfect casting fr the remaining marauders ok
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Aomine and kise are the type of people to end up accidently married in vegas.
oh most definitely!! thinking abt aomine and kise drunkenly getting married in vegas and then posting it to their stories, giving their pr teams simultaneous heart attacks
#knb#aokise#asks#sleepzonesworld#ur mind>>>>#top 3 craziest nights for gom and friends#top 3 nightmare for gom and friends pr teams#'i cant believe u two got MARRIED???' 'well the problem isnt we got married. the problem is we posted it on INSTAGRAM.#which is why we hired u. please help us'#the pr teams advice being 'well u can blame it on being drunk and get a divorce'#and theyre like 'oh no r u kidding we want to keep being married' 'okay than just publicly deny but be together in private'#'idk that feels like a violation of our vows :/'#akashis dissapointed in them bc they didnt have time to properly invite their close friends and make a wedding registry#'u guys couldve gotten so many gifts that help u in building ur future together' 'okay first of all it isnt that serious#second of all we were DRUNK' 'we should plan a wedding reception for u guys later in the summer' 'ohmygod'#maybe its bc its june rn but the thought of them doing this during june is hilarious to me#getting married and accidentally revealing it during pride month and maybe even nba finals#right amount of things to make the internet explode LMAO
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seems like my heart does nothing but break lately
#oh my god dont read the tags. it breaks for everyone :( but on a more personal level#for my gf whos sinking deeper into something n i cant even help bc im a wreck myself but i am so so scared to lose her#still havent even been able to book a psych appointment n i rlly dont know where to go with all these ..em*tions#Guys i rlly dont understand one thing. how come one random freak whos in ur life at some point can derail a whole person like eons later#jeopardise their whole future just by crossing some lines for funz i really dont understand this#not fair not fair at all this is evil#and becasue u got unlucky someone wanted to be disgusting u have to carry the consequences#i rly still cant even say it i still cant even write it#i dont even know how . irl the only perosn i told in some capacity#is dealing with her own trauma and i hate that jsut being understanding is not enoughlike#Wow Lmao Its just Funny How it Shapes You. & U Can Never bury it forever becuz it will always catch up to you😂😂😂😂😂😂#AND THE PAST CAN NEVER BE ERASED 😃😃😁😁😂😂😂���🔫🔫🔫🔫🔪🔪#at least my gf has been taking steps to deal with it for.3 yrs and i just never even#LOL i feel like such a coward but the sh*me and the g**lt associated with the Thing..r so overwhelming i cant even admit it#what would i even do at the psych appointment like straight up what am i gonna say Lol#hai iam here to process something i dont actually remember probably becasue i was a child but imnot sure. n id rather#kms than tell u how i know 😂. So thats also why my heart breaks. for that little girl who was a ball of shame i guess and no matter#how much i cognitively.like rationally know its not my fault the ball of shame n guilt is still there#n it swallows me every time i vaguely start 2 think about acknowledging the Th*ng#or whatever. And thats just my end of the deal but my gf has it worse genuinely bc she remembers everything n still has to see the freak#n it went on for yrs n her family doesnt know n heres the worst thing hes a beloved family member a sweet boy with struggles of his own#well i hope he walks into traffic for doing what he did to her
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the worst thing abt being a roleplay nerd in dao specifically is having to be friendly to the vile freaks from the other origins bc your warden, a cousland, would have absolutely no clue what vaughn or bhelen were getting up to in the tabris/aeducan origins :/ but YOU know :////////
#oc: elspeth#tay plays dao#i mean couslands are probably the worst example given that a cousland would arguably know a LOT of the humans at least#elspeth seeng vaughn in prison like ooooooh this has been such a long time coming lmao#obviously not having context as to what happened but knowing him enough to recognize he's the guy who deserves to be there the most#sigh. still. im trying soooo hard not to metagame and i think she would unfortunately free him bc its the Lawful thing to do.#i personally would rather die. but here we are.#she gets clued in later like oh great. i keep inadvertently helping the scum of the earth lol#this is why she doesnt become queen ingame + it takes her so long to agree to become queen post game for alistair's sake#dao was one long gradual realization that she cant stand other nobles and she doesnt know how to deal w these ppl anymore :)
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once again thinking about a version of the story where 13 lands in sheffield three years earlier when ryan and yaz are still sixteen and a whole lot angrier
13 turning out a bit more immature bc she spends her first twenty-four hours after regenerating with these reactive and kinda fucked up kids. ryan dealing with grace and graham recently getting married or getting ready to get married. probably feeling abandoned by his grandmother after his mother and father. feeling alone with his grief. maybe kinda just has tibo to confide in. yaz meanwhile is in hell getting bullied and either recently got driven home from a running away attempt and is now dealing with the familial aftermath of that, or is planning the running away. maybe kiiiiiiinda just has sonya to confide in but probably not really. probably doesnt confide in anyone
13, still malleable and fluid, running into these messed up teenagers who reflect all her own lonely angry betrayed abandoned feelings back to her, shaping herself in response to them. they dont trust her at all to start with, but i think she'd win yaz over in a similar way she does in canon, presenting herself as an authority who listens and understands. perhaps slightly more the understanding than authority part at this point in yaz's life. maybe she lands in front of yaz actually in the hills before anita can get there. yaz is like "where the fuck did you come from" and shes like "um the troposphere i think" and yaz is like "how are you not dead" and shes like "oh i was! but then i decided maybe i shouldnt be. so. now im here :) with you!" and that kinda strikes a chord with yaz. and then the doctor's like "do you happen to have a sandwich in that backpack im starving"
then aliens happen and once they run into ryan, yaz is already won over and she and ryan recognise each other and she convinces him that, like, no shes not nuts, theres definitely aliens shes seen them
11x1 would go entirely differently obviously. maybe grace wouldnt die and graham wouldnt travel. ryan maybe decides to travel a little bit out of spite and home doesnt really feel like home, and yaz isnt having fun at home or at school either and she was running away anyway so this is not a hard decision
the emotional instability and bad decision counter of a team tardis thats just 16-year-old yaz and ryan and 13 is kind of amazing to imagine. it'd be so volatile but they'd love each other so much i think they'd be the best friends bc instead of starting off closing herself off from grief, 13 would start off having her justified and irrational anger sort of validated and coaxed out i think by yaz's and ryan's. in the tardis between the three of them there would be a place to express "nobody cares about me" whether thats true isnt the point, i think theyre all feeling it a little bit. "everyone just moved on like mum didnt matter/'tell an adult' like what are they gonna do?/okay it wasnt all their faults but all my friends are dead" you know? i think they'd be heard with each other and i think there'd be space for the injustice of it all and especially as the doctor is like a children's advocate most of all, she would take ryan and yaz seriously in a way i think they wouldnt have been by any other adult in their lives at that point. and in return they, just by being there as they are, would make room for the hurt child that 13 is and will turn out to be
and i dont have details for this but i think it would be really nice if the way 13 listens and takes seriously yaz and ryan in the first season (not like consciously or deliberately or anything, shes not trying to Do anything, this is just who the doctor is) would be mirrored in the second and/or the third when they have calmed down a bit, dealt with some of their issues at home, talked to some family members, become a little less depressed and angry etc, and they return the way she treated them when she finds out abt the timeless child and tecteun. she took their anger seriously and she took them seriously when they said "this isnt fair" and in return they can take her anger seriously, probably are angry on her behalf, and they can stop her from overcorrecting from like being 10 by pointing out to her that this isnt fair and shes allowed to be angry abt it
and when yaz inevitably gets a crush i think it shows up as a kind of out of character/seemingly regressive prickliness and snappiness toward the doctor getting more intense over the course of s12 that ryan and the doctor first are puzzled by bc like sure in the first half of s11 maybe they were all a bit snappish with each other but theyve been friends for like a year now whats this about all of a sudden? and yaz is like Nothing!!!! it's nothing!!! piss of!!! bc shes having feelings she doesnt know what to do with or how to interpret so theyre just manifesting as Angery. that same need to prove herself + probably worry abt the doctor as in canon except a lot more combative and a lot less inhibited. shes probably picking fights abt everything the doctor tells her to do. trying to provoke the doctor into actually getting mad and yelling at her or, god forbid, grabbing her, shoving her, using her hands bc yaz wont listen to words. sometimes youre 17 and horny and you dont understand you want one of your two friends in the world to kiss you bc it hasnt occurred to you that girls kissing girls is a thing that can happen. ryan figures it out first
in this version ryan probably stays until the end too - or the same as in revolution happens and yaz feels betrayed that he'd give up on the doctor so easily and feels alone in the entire world again - graham and dan wouldnt come into the picture. ryan's and yaz's family would come into the picture a little more actively. theres a lot of plot to figure out that i cant and it would be a very different era in many ways but i think it would be nice
#if i could figure out plot i'd write it but it's really not my forte#it's been 4 years and im still turning this era every which way trying to wring a bit of catharsis out of it#i think it would be nice esp bc like i said i think the doctor mainly is a children's advocate#and i think it would be nice if like. that got reflected back to them#like.......i cant articulate this clearly#like in the end nobody even knows abt the timeless child right?#it's just twisted stories in villains' hands and we dont even have a name#i imagine the doctor seeing ryan and yaz as the people they are when they meet#and in return they can see her and the child she was later on#nobody fucking knows!#and im not saying like oh she should tell everyone the trauma or whatever#i just feel like#who honoured this child?#who saw her?#i feel like theres a kind of opportunity there if ryan and yaz are still younger#also they were 19 in canon they shouldnt have been so fucking put together!#they were way too emotionally stable#even for 19#but i think it'd be more fun if they are 16 and truly In The Midst Of The Horrors#also i want to see thasmin play out with yaz barely 20 and their dynamic built on this.......teenage solidarity i guess#like im sure ryan would be the one to figure it out but how does he react?#does he point it out in front of the two of them or does he ask yaz once when theyre alone#like in a scene at the end of 12x7 like 'so do you like her or smth?'#and shes like 'no! what? no!'#and hes like 'are you sure. like im not homophobic it's fine but'#and shes like 'w aht the fuck are you talking about' bc shes actually like what the fuck is he talking abt#but then later in bed shes like 'wait..........wait' and has a crisis abt it#(this doesnt improve the weird irritability re: the doctor. and then she Dies. and that does NOT improve the weird irritability)#and then if ryan stops travellin gin revolution then flux starts with yaz being aware shes in love with the doctor#and the doctor probably too. does this change things??
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...
#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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im sooooooo self-conscious about my leg scars.
#camera talks#also my arms but slightly less so bc i cant get around that one as much anymore#thats the one thing that. if people mention it i literally want to die#i work so hard to feel normal about them again and 1 comment will literally break all that and i will probably end up crying#picking scars are so hard to deal with... and some of them are literally years old#theres nothingggg i can do#keep to yourself stop asking me questionsssss#i hate summer/later spring bc that means short sleeve and shorts and people Seeing my scars#the one reason i have been suffering with my hoodie and pants at school rn. el oh el. it sucks but i cant Not so#one nice-ish thing tho. art of the characters who have gone through prentiss in tma. literally look like my scars sometimes#and it kinda makes me feel nice. idk. weird circular scars rep#anywayyys
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current state of politics really got me swerving wildly between "yes I want to present as a man" and "oh god is this even worth it maybe I'm not even really trans" and it's bringing me to my limit
#damien.txt#sorry its like 5 am and i havent slept and wanna vent so. here inam#i really do be having a wild time bc ill have like. weeks at a time where ill be like. wait a second. what if im not trans actually#okay well. never in a 'im 100% not trans' way but in a 'maybe i shouldnt transition' way#and then ill have a day where i wake up and go. oh. i think that feeling is just coming from fear about. the current state of trans issues#because oh my FUCKING GOD am i scared like 24/7 bc of that shit#and so like. then im like. maybe i really am like. actually transmasc. fr. bc i like. literally have been feeling it my whole life.#and then i wake up a couple weeks later back at the beginning like hmm....... but..... what if....#and im so tired of not knowing!! it's fucking exhausting questioning what the fuck is happening w me every 2 seconds#and im being dramatic abt it but idk. i think its a symptom of neurodivergence or something bc im like. so so scared abt being trans atm#at a level that is. certainly unhealthy.#and it really feels like something that is inhibiting me from doing things in life which is like. upsetting y'know!#but at the same time. the concept of going thru life as my birth gender is... bad. sort of inconceivable at this point.#and this is particularly hard bc like. really going back and forth on making decisions abt taking T. bc when i get in these spirals#abt maybe not being trans. i get the urge to not take it. but like. i cant fluctuate w a medicine like that that much!#but at the same time when i go back to being like oh yeah transmasc... my brain is like cool. take T again. so. fuck me i guess.#idk man. im just like. i just want to live my life without being perceived by others actually#my true gender is no one's business <3 thanks#i am. tired.
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Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(
#mine#oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times#but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry#like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie#im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc#i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me#thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related#anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that#ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired#// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always#because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life#like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing#me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little#so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die#every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt.#well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he#is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him#every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again#but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh#i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT#I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time#like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me#he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do#he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away
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iggypan
#shut up luci#delete later#i cant keep thinking of alice going to japan for a meeting but deciding to arrive early to do some casual tourist things bc its been so long#since shes done tourist things. anyway this is like the early aughts or late 90s whatever. she goes to the bridge to see all the cool fashio#fashion and maybe take pics like a rude tourist. maybe even check out the shops and buy something cute. and shes like WOAH so many cool styl#styles. heavily inspired by me england i am england i invented punk me personally i did that. and goth. whatever the hell this lolita is#is also clearly inspired by european fashion. and vw's mini crini line.#she just thinks jfash is neat. doesnt rly get all of it but she likes it. its cool. but then as shes taking picture like a rude person#she notices one girl look straight at her and then duck and turn around and speedwalk away. and iggys like oi wait im sorry i'll delete the#picture im sorry miss i didnt mean to be rude! and when she catches up to her shes like ?!?!?! sakura??? why are you dressed like this???#and sakura is like ahhhh i didnt know you would be here. sometimes i dress up when i am not working. it is fun i have some friends who like#to meet up here. yes humans. ahhhh >_< i really didnt mean for u to see me like this..... and iggys like oh its no big deal i dont mind.#i think this whole lolita thing suits u. hahaha remember when i used to dress all punk and gothic and whatnot? what you wear outside of work#is your own business. plus its cute :3 like u :3 hey maybe next time we can dress up together and go clubbing or to a concert. er...#a live as u say. haha lol. and sakura is like mmm perhaps. that might be fun. and then alice is like Right now how do i get to the maid cafe#from here. and sakura is like >_> ok um which one.#i love them
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I dont wanna do anything today its too hotttt
#i just wanna hang out but everyone is busyyyyy 😭#and nobody gives a fuck abt what ive been up to as soon as theyve finished talking abt themselves they leave the conversation 😔#ik i get annoying talking abt my interests but its not a 1 way street here 🥹🥹#well maybe it is i guess. oh well#hanging out w the parkour lot again tmr so :D !! i made brownies to take with me.. thefastest way to make friends is to bring food :3#and ill hang out a bit w my flatmate later bc i offered to make dinner. muahaha my sick and twisted plans to spend time w ppl#ik im probably just having a bad rsd day but i know my flatmate misses our old flatmates and sometimes its hard not to feel like its a-#personal thing like ik im not as fun or cool as they were but i cant rly do anything abt that bc im just me#it is what it is!! i hope she finds a way of making some new friends locally bc then ill feel less guilty for her being stuck w me#not that i feel like im stuck w her at all i love her shes great + i like talking to her + being around her !!#i just feel like theres an invisible standard im always being compared to. IDK!!!!! probably just insecurity on my part its ok#i feel like im always harping on abt that here SORRY anyway im gonna make dough and do another hour of job apps ily bye#.diaries
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:angy: the fact i can’t talk about [redacted], a character who’s such a interesting culmination of how hopes peak and their system fails and neglects people, and also of how having a school like this has given people the opportunities to do great things which change lives, all because they’re a spoiler for something THAT IS LITERALLY [redacted] fucking GETS ME sometimes.
#on the one hand they’re like. oh hopes peak will drop people at the drop of a hat#they care more about their image and having 16 shiny new students to show off. so they’re like#‘oh fuck someone got incredibly injured doing the thing we were gonna scout them for. well. guess we need to fill the spot#that we were going to give to them. not like we could just. wait for them to be out of the hospital! cuz what if they say no and the class#is left with only 15 students? :(…… yk if we stopped being Evil and removed a Evil policy we could easily scout them next school year.#but why would we stop being evil all for one student who was only in this situation bc of how we’ve impacted labor laws?’#and so it’s like that’s horrible and fucked up hpa what the hell#and then the character gets out of the hospital and it’s like. oh by the way betas seen some incredible technological advancements#in the medical/mobility field (<- obligatory i am disabled! i should make a list of disability rep in beta just bc it’s fun but like#there are characters born disabled characters who become disabled later in life. characters with invisible disabilities characters who need#mobility aids 24 7 et cetera et cetera. and any issues they face the message being sent is always we should change the way#people talk about and handle disability and how disabled people are treated. and never ‘we should ‘fix’ disability’!#this characters mobility aid is in part me expressing my own feelings on my being disabled.#and also in part me commenting on how people talk about and treat disability! nuance) so yea. new adaptive tech#and it’s like woah if hpa didn’t exist i wouldn’t have this this prolly wouldn’t have been invented. thanks hpa :]#but i CANT TALK ABT IT IN MORE DETAIL. AGH
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#once again overthinking about how i keep considering adhd medication to be some kind of life changing drug#like im just. waiting for my life to start? when i get on meds?#and there's like. a decent chance it is not gonna be like that for me#no antidepressant or adjacent has ever worked for me before#and i shouldnt rly get my hopes up and i should probably just find other ways to help myself#but it's like 'oh no i cant do that bc i have this thing later' but on a larger scale#idk#i just keep getting stuck on like#what if im just like this for the rest of my life#what if there's no treatment that works for me and what if i just cant do shit and leave things to the last minute#and feel overwhelming intense rejection and lowkey constantly hate myself#and go through all this with no remedy for the rest of my life?#what then?#idk i think im still coming to terms with like.#adhd actually being a disability#the vindication of 'oh im not faking all these things i actually Do have adhd'#is slowly being replaced by 'oh. i have adhd and i actually have to deal with that now bc it is disabling and debilitating'#and it's just. shit#anyways#ignore me#incoherent rambling
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