#but it’s like I’m a caricature of myself

[cas---2y5]

siri tell me where I can get a fucking grip

[divorcemotif]

"oh hey a real person followed me, I should look at their blog"

soon

"...perhaps I should listen to Eskew."

oh boy you caught my blog after an exciting weekend lmao

I absolutely recommend eskew! I don't have a lot of coherent thoughts, since I got into it over a very physically and mentally draining summer job and have yet to relisten, but it left an impression for sure. I will say what there is of an overarching narrative felt a bit jolty to me in places, for lack of a better term— I think you get the vibe of a show that’s figuring itself out somewhat as it goes, however the ideas are very interesting and I could make a long list of moments that really really affected me. my recent posts probably give a good sense of what I liked most abt it; david ward is just. endlessly interesting as a character imo. the writing’s good— there's a kind of.. ironically humorous edge to a lot of my favourite episodes, something I’d have to relisten to properly articulate. there's a tic of referring to one-off characters by a title instead of a name— the correspondence editor, the architect, the witness— that scratches something in my brain. in contrast with the slimy fleshiness of much of the horror, the sound design is just nice, actually— the rain never stops in eskew and the tone of the narration stays pretty level no matter what’s being described. there are only two narrators and I found both of their voices pleasant enough to close my eyes to on the subway after a long day. very solid show

[sunnibits]

this is random but I love when I’m out here wearing my dw TARDIS sweater and my sun necklace and my bee socks like,, I am literally a cartoon character. Could I get any cuter fr 🙄

[mars-ipan]

btw i was Really Smart in communications today :]

[gloriousmishaps]

on overweight characters 📚

because i like to yap about my hobbies 🗣️

i like to do this exercise after i start developing characters for a concept, usually sometime after i hash together the first version of their backstory and before i’ve gotten too attached to any one manifestation of them in my head. i take a step back from the cast and go, “okay. now make at least one (or two or three or FOUR, heaven forbid!) fat.”

your characters could exist in a vacuum if you really wanted, but the best ones don’t. the best ones are overweight because they’re 30 and work a sedentary job that leaves them little time for physical activity. or they’re overweight because they’re 17 and have spent the latter half of their adolescence in foster homes and were never able to form a healthy relationship with food. or they were too busy surviving an abusive situation to focus on the specific kinds of things they were eating. or they were poor. or homeless. or mentally ill. or physically sick and unable to get out of bed for long periods of time.

the same can be said for underweight (or even “average” weight) characters. everyone wants their plucky YA protagonist to be abused and underprivileged (“it builds character, dammit”), but a malnourished character is going to have many more symptoms than just “ribs and collarbones showing.” they’ll be weak. they’ll be immunocompromised probably. their bones will be more fragile. if they’ve never eaten enough their entire life, they’ll probably be shorter than their peers who did.

the important part is to really consider their backstory and how that might be reflected in their body. we’re all products of our environments. someone can be born naturally thin as a beanpole, but an abusive childhood that leads to food hoarding in their future might pack on the weight. or even an adulthood with few opportunities for athletics and too many workplace potlucks.

i guess my point is that a lot of characters should be more overweight than they are. no, 35yr old john smith in accounting who spends most of his 40hrs sitting down at a computer desk should probably not have lean shoulders and a sleek back unless he’s a regular member at the local branch of the fitness club. and maybe the fit and wiry 16yr old heroine of the not-so-distant YA dystopia has a food hoarding problem and eats more than she should because she figures that eating it now is better than losing it and never eating it later.

so, sure, as an overweight person myself, i know it’s a type of catharsis to make your characters look nothing like you; to give them everything you felt you never had. you’ve already suffered so much because of your fatness, why would you suffer willingly in your fantasy worlds? your characters will be so much more likeable if they’re skinny, won’t they? they’ll be so much cooler and fitter and smarter and more deserving of everyone’s affections, just like in real life. just like you experienced. but that catharsis only exists because there’s a 13yr old version of you who still feels othered. and there are 13yr olds now who feel othered, too, and who might feel a little less so when they see a teen that looks like them saving the world and making friends and being loved for exactly who they are.

i think that’s worth the smallest bit of my own personal discomfort.

[seungwoonies]

the anxiety of going back to work week

[exopelagic]

one day I’ll stop vagueposting abt The Guy but that day is not today

[md-intermission-archive]

"Murder Drones: Intermission": A Story of Understanding

Uzi Doorman: Understanding Loneliness

I feel like during the development of this episode, Uzi was the hardest character for me to wrap my head around. To my understanding, she’s feisty, angsty, and plays up this persona of being apathetic. A sort of lone wolf thing.

She’s snappy towards her classmates who ostracize her, snappy towards adults in her life, and overall gives a middle finger to anyone who isn’t on Team Uzi. It’s a very “me vs. the world” type of thing. That, to me, just felt like the callous shell of someone who’s painfully fragile and has been hurt so often.

I will admit, I may be projecting slightly, but I honestly read her as like… a neurodivergent kid who didn’t know how to navigate social circles, so she just became incredibly bitter. Her father didn’t help her situation at all because he also treated her like a freak, literally calling her a disappointment in his business ads. Then on top of all that she had no mother figure to look up to. All of this accumulates into a habit of isolation. “No one will love me, so fuck it. I’m on my own”. She acts like she’s fine on her own, when in reality she’s so starved for genuine connection. With that in mind, in Intermission I wanted to peel back those layers a little bit. I wanted to explore self-isolation and that hunger for love. 

Some people clocked this I think: the way Uzi’s attitude is toned down in Intermission. I didn’t want to play up her angsty teen act as much (and I capped her at one “bite me”) because then I’d risk falling into the trap of making her into a caricature of herself. The way I framed her in my head is “if she wants connection, then she’d be happier around people who she sees as her friends. If she’s also fragile though, she’ll make an immediate 180 at the slightest hint of meanspiritedness”. This was the guideline I gave myself when it came to bouncing her off of V and N. N melts her icy demeanor. He’s very gentle and encouraging with her. One example being how N kneeled down to her eye level when speaking to her when she was putting up her walls again. As someone who’s constantly ostracized, she needs a gentle touch in order to relax.

I made sure to keep that in mind, that while she was being treated gently, she should show more signs of happiness. Comfort. Part of that comfort is also reflected in being mischievous/playful. As for the 180 she makes if shown any sort of cruelty, that’s reflected in acts of self-isolation. 

This is something I’ve observed from myself and people in my life. If someone is already deathly afraid of rejection, they won’t reach out for help and their immediate instinct will be to isolate. In the beginning of the EP when Uzi’s having her Solver flare up her immediate thought is “I’m going to put up a firewall (repress) and just not even mention this to anybody”. Then when N offers to help, she still shows signs of being uncomfortable because she’s not used to it. It isn’t until V’s comment calling her a lost cause irks her that she decides “screw it let’s give it a shot”. She hates being underestimated, so this reaction made sense to me. Meanwhile the climax of the episode is where I wanted the most overt display of her fears to be presented.

As I said earlier, Uzi’s sensitive to rejection. She attacked the only people in her life who care about her, and the worst part was it wasn’t even her fault. Uzi is a person who really wants a sense of control over her life for the sake of security, so that loss of control and the idea of “oh my god they hate me now” was the final straw for her. So, she isolated. She ran off (or in this case, flew off), she barricaded herself, and she cried.

During the scene when Uzi's found, I had a bit of an issue figuring out where to go from there with her. I had two options: I could once again lean into her badass persona and have her fight back, or I could have her fold. I decided the latter. To her, she just lost the only people who cared about her, she's a monster to worker drone society, her father doesn't care about her.

What's the point. She's doomed to be alone.

If V didn't have her revelation, Uzi would've let herself die. While I understand that's an upsetting choice to make in the narrative, given Uzi's circumstances it felt like the appropriate reaction. Which is why the events following were so important.

While Uzi's at her lowest point she's shown pinch of kindness.

While it’s true V’s initial intention was to off Uzi, her showing compassion and sympathy was what helped calm Uzi down. Rather than making her put up walls like V usually does, V was able to break through them a tad. That interaction, N pouncing at her with a hug, and the final scene was meant to cement in Uzi’s head that she finally wasn’t alone (even if V still struggled to not be prickly with her). The three are still incredibly messy, but there’s that sense of trust that Uzi now has people in her life that actually care about her despite her messiness. The mischievous attitude even comes out when she says, “you found a nanospark of warmth in your heart to care about me”. She now feels more comfortable with V to an extent, and she finally has a support system.

I think…the reason why I love Uzi so much is that she’s sadly reflects the experience of what it's like not being able to fit into society's mold of acceptable. Even if she might not be neurodivergent, the bullying and isolation she experiences is very familiar. I wanted to do her justice as much as I could with that all in mind and with the resources I had. I wanted to give her one happy ending to a day when every other feels like utter hell.

The angsty teen may be badass, but her heart is still fragile.

[kakecomics]

Tom of Finland’s technique:

I wanted to make them as natural as possible. Sometimes there was a nose or waist or something that had to be corrected a little. I added elements of existing photos and transferred them onto paper. This automatically gave me a photorealistic approach. It had a special effect, on me, at least. Suddenly I was doing figures that were almost alive. Not just outlined caricatures. This is a typical example of finding a certain detail. Taking it from a photograph. This was done to order. First there was this posture. Then I elaborated it by drawing with exaggeration. Here we have the same technique. A living model is transferred to a drawing. This is a long mural on canvas. The customer wanted a racing scene. I took this photo - which I had got a couple of years earlier. I used it as a model for one motorcyclist. So, I either used an existing photo or took a photo of a given motif.

Nowadays I use living models as much as possible. I like to choose them myself. I take a photo of the model and draw from that. When I do this, I have a visual image of a living person. Features and so on that I see in the photograph. Normally I use pencil. One picture takes about a week. There are something over 3,000 of them. Probably quite a lot more, because that estimate was made almost 10 years ago. Of course, I'm not as productive as I used to be, but I must have done a few hundred since then.

Daddy and the Muscle Academy (1991) dir. Ilppo Pohjola

[nqueso-emergency]

I was a buddie shipper who converted early because bucktommy was cute and also I realized that it meant Buddie would never happen. I still fucked with buddie for a while though, because a ship doesn’t have to be canon to be fun, but the increasing toxicity from buddie-only fans and the way it invaded fanworks turned me off.

Eventually I realized even fanon buddie was never real. The Buck and Eddie in fanfics are something separate from the Buck and Eddie in the show. They have a few canon window dressings, and the rest is just the same fanfic tropes as every other popular slash ship.

The process of taking the buddie goggles off and admitting I got sucked in because the fanbase was really prolific and I’m not immune to propaganda was a little rough, but I learned some things about myself and about fandom operations for sure.

The truth is Buck and Eddie on the show are friends and perhaps even brotherly. The Buck and Eddie in fanfic are lazy fantasy caricatures most of the time. Eddie is not the most important person in Buck’s life. Important, yes, but Buck goes to Bobby and Hen and Maddie for advice and guidance because he looks up to them and models who he wants to be on them. He goes to Eddie for a peer to have fun with. The trust Eddie has placed in him in regard to Christopher is really meaningful to Buck, and they have supported each other (Eddie’s breakdown, Buck dealing with surviving the lightning strike), but Buck has an actual support network and doesn’t rely overly much on any one person, which is good, but fanfic tends to ignore that.

What’s kind of sad is that Eddie… doesn’t. He’s just a more closed-off person, even Buck usually has to push him to talk about difficult things. He just tries to keep on moving, like he’s doing now with Chris. He’s doing that thing where your parent won’t apologize to you, they just offer you food. Eddie needs a network. Eddie has a network, really, ready to offer him a hand, he just has to make himself reach out. He cannot afford to rely only on Buck, fanfic loves that but it’s a terrible idea really.

I think Eddie is kind of stunted. Emotionally. In part due to his upbringing, but also because he became a parent young and never got to be stupid and irresponsible when he was young. I want to see him grow and rely on people who are not Buck for a while as he learns to trust himself more. I’m hopeful that will happen this season.

But buddie definitely won’t be, and more and more I think it would be the reductive choice anyway.

I agree so much with this, anon!!

[homunculus-argument]

hey there! this sounds like a bit of a silly question, but as a trans guy, you’re one of the few trans people i’ve been following almost since i joined tumblr, so based on your other anon ask and answer i figured i’d pop in and ask if you have any advice? if you want to answer, ofc :) — i foresee this being a bit long, so i totally get if not

so i’m also a trans guy, but i haven’t been able to take any steps toward medical transitioning before since i live with my parents. but i’ll move out soon, and i still can’t decide if i should take any of these steps even once i do. i’ve never felt like i particularly wanted to medically transition (i don’t really care about how my body looks + i’ve never really cared about changing any of it), but i would like to be seen a guy — i don’t mind if not so by strangers, but maybe so by like, my friends. but i can’t help but feel like i’d be laughed at for wanting that — i’m not naturally androgynous or masculine looking to others and i have never been mistaken for a guy, because i have really long hair, d cups, and curves. and without medically transitioning, i also kinda feel like i’m… betraying the trans community, since i’m not really putting the effort into my transition and so i’m just ‘pretending’, even though i do know i’m not.

so my question would be: as a trans person who has transitioned, socially and medically, do you think people are more understanding than i think they are currently? do you know of any trans people who don’t want to medically transition, and do you think it’s possible to live fulfilled that way? or even: do you think it would be easier for someone like me to just live a lie? i usually tell people i’m a lesbian, because they definitely would not look at me and assume ‘straight guy’, but also, as a trans person who doesn’t want to medically transition, i’m just always worried that i won’t be taken seriously. i feel like your experience of being trans and probably interacting with the community is much more than mine, which is why i ask this last one — i would try being open myself, but again, i’m still living with my parents unfortunately.

I'll be honest I don't actually really know much "community" save for former art school classmates. I've only known one trans person irl who chose not to medically transition - at the time, Finland's trans law was still shitty and required sterilisation for legal sex change, and all that. She didn't want kids or anything, but refused to engage in the process as her own little personal civilian protest. I don't want to paint some caricature picture of some Sharp Dommy Tall Scary Goth Trans Anarchist, but I was deeply impressed by the way she didn't do a single thing to try to seem smaller, softer, or in any way submissive or docile to be ~feminine~ the right, socially accepted way.

She wasn't just taller than most men but usually the tallest person in the room, and she stood out in a crowd of cis women like a crane in a chicken coop - a bird just as much as they are, but a different kind of bird. And I remember thinking that I could never do that, being so unflinching and unhesitant about standing out in the crowd because assimilating and muting yourself is beneath your dignity.

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you about being openly trans without transitioning medically, save for that it takes more guts than being able to just go stealth. I had physical dysphoria about the way my body was, and was desperate to get top surgery just for the sake of my own physical comfort, and I like the convenient anonymity of being able to just be Just Some Guy who doesn't attract anyone's interest or curiosity.

It's a smart move to not come out to your parents before you're out of their house and not relying on them for anything - this is something everyone should use their own judgement for, but I stress it to every queer kid to not take the risk if there's any chance that they'll react poorly while they still have power over you. But living your whole life in the closet - "living a lie" is a good way to put it - will corrode you from the inside.

It's better to live in peace with yourself and against the world, than in peace with the world against yourself. There is absolutely nothing in your power that you could do to change the minds of people who have already decided that they don't respect you, and if they try telling you that they would, if you only met their approved criteria, they are lying. That's bait they're dangling in front of you, and there's no "earning" the respect of such people.

Stay true to yourself and be good to people, and you'll have the respect of people who are capable of respecting you. Don't waste your time and energy on people who won't respect you, every thought and effort you spare them is wasted on them.

[0cta9on]

Aye yoo bud✌️

0cta9on Fluffy mode activated, I'm curious how you would write cute/fluff thought on Bae Nmixx.

The way that I see her, I thought she's the most normal member in Nmixx but I'm totally wrong. Her short hair like OmG🤧, I have always like girls keeping their long hair but she's making me think otherwise. Turns out she's the jokester in the group. She maybe doesn't get the most line in their songs but her part always makes me listen thoroughly especially during her part.

I know this may look like I'm jumping biases, but I'm just starting to notice everyone's charm.

- Haewon's latest live stream especially her wolf cut hair style, is just perfect🐺. She can be cute apart from her funny side in which taking most of the spotlight.

-Lily is always such a a ball of sunshine with her aussie accent korean. With her cute struggle to keep up with the Korean language🇰🇷.

-Now I'm starting to look at Kyujin more of a Maknae than ever🐱, she's a bit peculiar compared with other group's maknae, maybe the shocking fact that she's considered the "mother" among the members despite being the youngest.

-Jiwoo? I already went ham on her on the previous ask, totally didn't consume my daily dose of that Bae and Jiwoo tik tok video🤧.

-Where is Sullyoon? I'm currently abstaining myself from her, just a mere second of her appearance is going to make me go overdrive.😵‍💫 I can't get my work done if I kept staring at her for hours.

Hello mikeylo! I decided to use this opportunity to write a short about her instead of just doing fluffy thoughts, hope you don't mind :]

This was a fun one to write, somehow managed to finish it in the span of two hours :> Enjoy!

You’ve come to terms with the fact that you’re a “nerd” ages ago. Studying isn’t something you necessarily enjoy, but it’s a necessary task you must complete in order to secure your spot in the real world, where meaningless titles like “nerd” or “jock” hold no substance on one’s success and only those who truly work hard will stand the test of time. With finals inching ever closer, it’s vital to you that you don’t waste a single second—

“What’s up, nerd?”

A light smack to the back of your head tears you out of the flow state you were in while brushing up on previous study guides from the past year. There’s only one person you know that’s dimwitted enough to still throw out outdated insults like that, almost as if she’s a caricature of a high school bully from those 2010’s movies she claims to hate.

“Bae,” you grumble, “Why are you even here? I thought you said you were ‘allergic to the library’?”

She shrugs, plopping down into the empty seat next to you. “I got bored.”

“Okay.” You turn your attention back to the worksheets in front of you, trying to remember where you left off. “Not my problem.”

“C’mon, man,” she groans. “Let’s do something fun.”

There aren’t many things that threaten the future of your success; most issues can be waved away with a quick favor or a helpful push in the right direction. In fact, you already have the rest of your life meticulously planned out in a journal, complete with potential contingencies and multiple backups in case any problems may arise.

Enter: Bae Jinsol. The physical embodiment of everything that could and will stand in your way. You tutored her once two semesters ago, and you’ve regretted it ever since. Not quite a leech—you’re not that cruel—but her unyielding persistence alone is enough to make it so that giving her what she wants is the only viable solution you have. More often than not, this means hours of time wasted that could be spent towards perfecting your mind to the best it can be.

“I’m really busy right now,” you say.

“What could you possibly need to study for, you’re, like, the smartest person I know.”

You raise an eyebrow at her. “Knowing you, that doesn’t mean much— Ow.”

Bae slaps your arm, pouting at you. “That’s mean.”

You can’t help but grin at her expression. “You’re right, that was mean. I apologize,” you say, making an effort to sound sincere. “Now, I have a lot of work to do, so unless you’re okay with sitting there and watching me study, I suggest that you go and hang out with your other friends.”

She rests her head against the table, turning to watch you with her endearingly round eyes. “I chose to come here. I’ll stick to my decision like a real man.”

“Whatever,” you chuckle before turning back to the study guide.

It’s a bit difficult trying to study with an audience, but not a scenario you’re unfamiliar with. On the rare occasion that Bae doesn’t consistently bug you with her antics, you find her presence quite comfortable. Sometimes she’ll even ask about what you’re working on and entertain your little rants about discoveries you’ve made or thoughts you’ve been having, asking questions if she doesn’t get something. Her motivation to study is nonexistent, but her desire to understand is glaringly present.

Although, with nothing to talk about today, she gives you a good five minutes before breaking the silence.

“I’m bored again,” she sighs. “Let’s get boba.”

“What happened to sticking to your decision ‘like a real man’?” you tease.

“I’m a woman, jackass.” She leans into you, obscuring your view of the study guide with her face. “And this woman wants boba.”

The world around you freezes as the scent of her perfume lingers past your nose, igniting memories of warmth and coziness. The first crack in a wall that you worked too hard to maintain. 

“Why don’t you ask Haewon to go with you instead?” you suggest, trying and failing to avert your gaze from those perfect irises, like swimming pools of deep obsidian.

“Because…” A light blush grows on her cheeks. “...I wanna get boba with you.”

The crack in the wall splinters and grows, exposing the weaknesses that you didn’t know were there. Or perhaps, you did know and chose to ignore them anyways, spackling over them with cheap excuses.

You scoff at her, a meager attempt to save face. “You just want me to pay for you. Again.”

“I told you I’ll pay you back!” she exclaims, earning a couple harsh shushes from nearby students. “I’m just a little strapped for cash at the moment.”

“Why don’t you try, I don’t know, actually looking for a job?” Your gaze moves back to your papers, desperately trying to escape this stalemate. “If you’ll excuse me, I have some work to do.”

Bae clings to the sleeves of her sweater, pouting at you. “Please~?”

Despite her persistence, you dare not move an inch, worried that one small movement could be the final crack that topples the wall. Your eyes reread the same line over and over again, hoping each pass will eventually take, but your mind is too cluttered to properly focus. With the gentle tug of her fingers and the notes of vanilla bean gliding past your nostrils, it’s a wonder how you haven’t succumbed to her demands already.

With a huff of her breath, Bae takes your hand in hers, using her final trump card.

“Baby~”

You want to think that, at that moment, the wall came crashing down in a ceremonious fashion, leaving behind a pile of rubble in its wake, a monument to all the effort you put into your future. But the truth is, she tore down that wall months ago—in fact, you can pinpoint the exact moment of its destruction. 

The second you came face to face with her confused expression in that pre-calc class is the moment that sealed your fate, completely changing your perception of what the future could be like for you. That journal you keep, detailing every single miniscule detail of your potential career? You barely got two pages in before turning it into a scrapbook, filling every inch of paper with words, pictures, and keepsakes that remind you of the girl that refuses to give you a moment of peace.

And maybe that’s a good thing. The world could end tomorrow, rendering all of your plans useless. Why spend your last moments with your nose in a study guide when you could be drinking boba with your girlfriend?

“...You’re the worst, you know that?” you utter, interlacing your fingers with hers. Bae flashes you that wide, toothy smile that you can’t get enough of.

“Wow, you’re actually so obsessed with me, that’s insane,” she teases. “Just a single word and you immediately folded like an omelet.”

You haphazardly throw your belongings into your bag, eager to get out of the library and spend time with her. “I’m not obsessed, stupid,” you say,” I’m in love with you.”

“God, you’re so corny.” Despite her deflection, the blush growing on her face betrays her true feelings. She nervously scans the rest of the room before planting a sneaky kiss on your cheek, warm yet fleeting. “I love you too, stupid.”

It’s a fool’s errand to try and predict the future. No matter how smart you are, how many books you read, how many plans you make, the only thing you can do is hope for the future that you desire. And right now, the only future you want is one just like the present, with you clinging onto Bae’s hand with no intention of letting go.

[shizunitis]

Elaborate on Bingge breaking SY’s heart?

honestly i posted that because i was listening to a song and then promptly forgot what i was thinking. however. i can try to reverse engineer myself. did it with shizun, what am i compared to him?

so:

1) one could say that him ripping shen yuan’s limbs off when he thought he was meeting bingmei in the dream realm could be a certain type of heartbreak, as stretched as the logic might be.

2) via airplane’s shitty decisions bingge-writing-wise, luo bingge eventually became one of those protagonists shen yuan couldn’t defend or even like. he became a caricature of himself, instead of what shen yuan (and even airplane) had expected of him, hoped for him. i’m mainly thinking of the “[…] all the youth and frustrations he’d wasted following [PIDW]” (Vol. 2, Ch. 6). i mean, it’s one way it could be interpreted, right?

3) bingge’s behaviour during the mei vs. ge extra. shen yuan might be resilient, might understand bingge’s perspective and his hatred for shen qingqiu, but no one gets out of that situation happy. least of all bingge’s biggest fan in a former life. yes, he has bingmei, and he doesn’t care that much about bingge anymore, and his opinion of bingge was already in hell. but still.

if my favourite character did that to me. well. i’d probably move on but i’d still be extremely offended. and my ego would take a pretty big hit. but then again, i’m a binghe kinnie. so. take me just seriously enough to respect me and no more please. i make mistakes every single moment of my life.

mainly i was thinking from bingge’s perspective. when he goes back, wouldn’t he hate himself, just a tinny tiny bit? for all the aforementioned fuck-ups? maybe not, he sucks, but. you know. i’m trying my best

so. hm. maybe i’ll come back to this later? if i remember, or if it has any merit. love you for trusting that i had an actually coherent thought. you deserve shizun’s headpats as well

[theladyragnell]

Exchanging gifts for the first time: E/R

(This one Fought Me for no reason I can discern, but hopefully it does the trick!)

It’s taken them several years to invent what Joly dramatically calls The Birthday Party, with the capital letters every time even though he’s a slow texter anyway. Five of them have birthdays in the baking-hot months of June and July, and there was a year or two full of bar crawls and restaurant meals and rooftop parties where they all reached August exhausted and a little sick of each other’s company, so when Jehan, whose birthday is last in the sequence, suggested they just have a joint party in July, everyone was relieved to agree.

And then everybody wanted to give gifts and it felt weird for half of them to be opening gifts and the other half not, and then they all looked at each other at their half-hearted Christmas gathering, a holiday none of them feels quite easy celebrating, and then The Birthday Party became what it is, a chance for everyone to pass things around. Nobody gets special gifts for everyone, with that many to buy, but they pass around fancy chocolate bars and bottles of craft cider and handmade cards and it’s good. It’s better than awkward parties focused around one person.

Grantaire loves The Birthday Party. It’s one of his favorite nights of the year, and he spends the weeks before it closeted in his apartment, soberer and happier than he usually is, making matched sets of little paintings of the Musain or caricatures of everyone or handcarved soap dishes.

It’s just that this year, he and Enjolras are dating.

He’s very happy about that, to be clear, happy enough that he feels a little drugged most days, happy enough to embarrass himself if he examines it too closely, but it means he doesn’t have to restrain his foolish desires to give Enjolras lavish personal gifts anymore, and the consequence of that is that he no longer has any ideas for lavish personal gifts.

And Enjolras won’t care about that, obviously he won’t. Enjolras’s gift to The Birthday Party every year is a pot of something delicious to eat and a handwritten card each about how much he loves them, something Grantaire was unable to deal with when the notes for him were grudging and doesn’t know how he’s going to deal with now that they’re sincere. Enjolras doesn’t care about gifts and lives in a tragically spartan apartment largely because he’s too lazy to hang anything, and Grantaire isn’t expecting anything out of the ordinary at The Birthday Party except maybe a kiss.

But he still wants to, and his friends are not helpful when he tries to subtly ask them what to do, so he finally caves in, makes a terrible choice, and asks Enjolras.

“I could tell you what I’m giving you,” Enjolras suggests in a meditative tone, propping his chin up on his hands where he’s laying on his stomach in Grantaire’s bed. Grantaire gets the urge to paint him in lush oils, but he gets that urge at least once a day, so it’s pretty easy to ignore. “If that would be easier.”

Grantaire doesn’t particularly care about surprises, but he has his pride. “Don’t do that, that’s one of those things that nobody says is bad luck but which really ought to be bad luck. Shaking one’s presents, of course, is a time-honored tradition, but hearing what they are from the giver? Unthinkable.”

“I’ll like anything,” says Enjolras. “It doesn’t matter to me what you give me, or if you give me anything at all. I’ll still be here.” And then, after some silence and one of his penetrating stares, “I made yours.”

“Noted, I’ll leave the diamonds at home and will only do a string of pearls if I dive for them myself.”

Enjolras rolls his eyes and encourages Grantaire to go to sleep, but it does, much as Grantaire hates to admit it, help.

He doesn’t wake the next morning overcome with inspiration, but he finds his way to it, taking time away from his gifts for everyone else to work on Enjolras’s.

The Birthday Party is as rowdy as ever, when it comes. Grantaire’s block prints impress everyone, and Enjolras’s curry is, as ever, delicious. As the night starts breaking apart, people admitting they have to go home, the more personal gifts come out, the ones they all put off so nobody feels left out or pressured. Grantaire, who finds sharing his feelings with Enjolras more embarrassing now that they’re reciprocated than he did before, waits until Enjolras is finished with Combeferre and Courfeyrac, until Joly has draped a new scarf far too hot for the season around Grantaire’s shoulders, to take Enjolras aside.

“You settled on something,” Enjolras says, and smiles.

Grantaire, flustered more than he cares to admit that he is by the smile and the situation and his stupid idea, produces the envelope that’s been weighting down his pocket all day, four pages densely written in his horrible handwriting that alternates between crabbed and flourishing, his own version of Enjolras’s yearly letters, only he’s never said in one paragraph what he could say in twenty. “I’ll do better next year, when I’m less nervous, but I thought—people give gifts they’d appreciate themselves, right? So this is me trying that out.”

Enjolras takes the envelope and opens it, breaking the wax seal Grantaire put on because he does have some standards, and only makes it a sentence or two again before he stops, which is good, because Grantaire might combust if he’s forced to watch Enjolras read that letter. “I do appreciate it, and I’ll read it when I won’t embarrass both of us,” he says, and produces a small package. “And we had the same thought, I think.”

Inside the package, of course, is a small canvas, maybe ten centimeters on a side if Grantaire were to care to measure it, with a very careful painting of Grantaire’s couch painted on it, every bit as earnest and every bit as unskilled as Grantaire’s letter. “Definitely the same thought,” says Grantaire, and has to swallow several times before he can say anything else. Even then, he has to seize on poor Feuilly as he walks by, knowing Enjolras will have something for him to give them both a break.

They both go back to Grantaire’s apartment when The Birthday Party is over and Grantaire puts his new canvas in pride of place next to his bed while Enjolras is brushing his teeth and then falls asleep before Enjolras ever makes it to bed.

When he wakes up in the morning, Enjolras is still in bed, a rare late morning, with all the pages of Grantaire’s letter arrayed on his lap and his stupidly beautiful nose a little red with leftover tears. “I love you too,” he says when he sees Grantaire is awake.

Grantaire didn’t write the words in the letter, they felt too soon, but of course Enjolras knew what he meant. He’s made a study of getting to the heart of Grantaire’s torrents of words. “I love you,” he says, belated but no less true, and lets Enjolras carefully fold the pages of the letter up and put them to the side before he presses him back into the pillows.

[feralgodmothers]

I think I cracked it you guys. A part of why Elvis (2022) has such a hold on me (and why you should watch it too if you haven’t already).

The first time I watched it, I didn’t really have any expectations - I wasn’t a fan of Elvis, because my mother hated him, and I grew up without any real exposure to him or his music. I also wasn’t a fan of Baz Luhrmann, because I found his directing style to be too over-the-top, chaotic, and truthfully - obnoxious. So neither of those two big names attached to it were a draw-in for me. And on top of that, I didn’t know Tom Hanks was in it, and I didn’t know who Austin Butler was - not to mention there’s been an abundance of music biopics lately. The only thing that captured my attention was how accurately the trailer portrayed the fangirl spirit. I was like ‘Yeah, that’s exactly what it’s like. I can relate to that’, lol. So with that being the only thing that held my interest, I put it on and just shrugged and thought ‘Who knows, this might be fun’.

I was completely blown away.

I had seen a few clips of Elvis prior to this at some point in my life, so I had just enough reference in my memory to go on while I watched Austin do his thing, and he nailed it. It took no time at all for you to feel like you were actually watching Elvis Presley, not just some guy playing him. Austin Butler was flawless - he’s received a tremendous amount of praise for his performance, and quite frankly - I don’t think there could ever be enough praise for what he was able to accomplish here. It is one of the best performances of all time, and that is no exaggeration. It was so exciting - the amount of movie magic (that’s been sorely lacking from films lately) was on full display here, and it gave me new life. I felt a real connection to a completely different era in our history, a connection to a whole other generation of people/fans, and to a music legend that I knew almost nothing about, and who pop culture had twisted into some mythical caricature of himself. This film accomplishes so much, and I was caught up in a whirlwind of something truly eye-opening and magical. The main takeaway I had from my first time viewing was pure excitement and adrenaline, from just being transported somewhere else entirely, both emotionally and spiritually, and from unlearning some misconceptions I had about Elvis Presley. And, as a bonus, I now had a new celebrity crush in Austin Butler (and we all know - stumbling across someone new to thirst over will always be a profound part of the fangirl experience, lol).

The second time I watched it, I was going in still riding that high that I felt - and I was ready to immerse myself into full, thirsty fangirl mode. And obviously I did thirst - but by the end of the film, I was so incredibly emotional. I cried so much, and felt so sad. Of course, I felt sad by the end the first time I watched it too - Elvis died tragically early, and the way the movie highlighted his final performance was so effectively heartbreaking and moving. But I think the more positive feelings I had experienced before had prevented me from sinking too low into my feelings. But by that second viewing, man… the dam just broke, and I was legitimately mourning this man. I’m not kidding when I say this is probably the best biopic I’ve ever seen, and possibly one of the best movies period that I’ve ever seen. I cannot express strongly enough how much it truly resonates with me.

Anyway, my whole point in saying that I cracked it, I say as a fangirl through-and-through - I think the two biggest impacts that can ignite a fangirl’s spirit into a full, dazzling and glorious blaze is: thirst and heartbreak. And this movie provided both of those things in spades. It’s so beautiful to watch - Austin’s beautiful, the storytelling is beautiful, the cinematography is beautiful, the care, dedication, and craft is beautiful. To me, it is absolutely perfect, and it has completely taken over my mind, heart, and soul. I cannot recommend this film highly enough. It is everything to me right now, and the more people who are willing to give it a chance and enjoy it, the better.

[casteliacityramen]

[Previous] [PART 2 OF 2]

“I flew around a bit." 

"I overheard some talks about an open gala in Sinnoh and I decided to attend it. I’ll tell you the whole story about what happened later, but...

... Even when I was trying to relax, I couldn't feel comfortable with myself. Like… like wearing clothes that didn’t fit. The longer the night went on, nothing felt right. And I’m not just talking about the disguise.”

“You felt like a caricature of who you used to be.”

“Yeah. I knew I was going to feel awful when the Continental War was done and over with. I knew we were going to be reprimanded, or worse, but…” Rio frowns deeply, trying to gather her tangled thoughts together.

“I didn't think it'd mess me up as bad as this. I didn’t recognize who I was by the end of the night. I’m worried there’s no going back to who I used to be. I miss the version of myself who could go to a gala and not be miserable in the corner. It feels like that part of me died--that optimistic part of me."

“Do you get what I’m talking about?”

Rio waits with bated breath, only for Ray to curtly answer:

"Yes. And no?"

Rio feels her temper quickly flare up as she lets out a frustrated huff, "Whaddya mean by that?"

Ray raises his palms towards her, slowly.

"It's not that I don't understand what you're saying,” Ray turns to her and gives her a faint smile, "I like to think my experiences are changing me for the better. That’s where you and I differ."

“What, that you’re becoming less of who you used to be and more of… whatever this is?”

"A sub-par noodle penchant?" Ray laughed, throwing Rio's words right back at her from earlier that day.

"You know what I mean, Ray," Rio feels her face get hot. "It's as if..."

"... It's as if you're undoing yourself to make up for what you've done," Rio whispers out loud. The sudden conclusion steals her breath. "Ray, you're not doing all this to punish yourself, are you?"

"..."

"Please say no.”

"It may have started out that way, but that's not the case now."

“Ray…” Rio whispered in disbelief, out loud. 

“You may see this as me continuing a dead man’s legacy. But it’s more than that. This place was a gifted to me and came with a wish. I intend to honor that gesture.

Even though we can’t do any of our usual duties, that’s no excuse to stop acting like a shepherd.”

“If your version of helping the commonwealth is to further seat yourself into guilt, I can’t let you follow through with this.”

“You’re still not getting it, It’s not like that."

"Are you sure about that? Because it's all starting to sound like you're doing this as some sort of messed up way of repenting for your sins."

"I'm telling you, it's not like that."

“Ray, there's a moment when memorialization for someone else turns into hurting yourself." 

"Like how you visited your own gravestone in Johto? Do you really see all of your soldiers offering gifts in your memory and call that self harm? Didn't you just say that you're grieving over someone who you used to be? Is it really that wrong? To cling to what's left!?"

"For me, it is."

"We aren't mortal, Ray. This entire conversation we're having? This argument? All of it? This is what happens when we can't move on. We drag everything with us for hundreds, maybe thousands of years whether we like it or not. This is only going to bring you pain in the long run.

I’m sorry I blew up at you earlier today, but I still stand by what I said. You have no right to continue Tai Ishikawa's legacy, even if all of this was a gift.

All of this? Hanging around Ingram's descendants, Ayumi and Jack? Working an ungodly amount of hours for a tiny bit of yen? The past guilt alone will eat you alive."

"I'm aware of what happens to me if I stew in it. I've been here five years longer than you have,” Ray mutters. “Besides, do you think that I don't know how to live with all the pain I've gathered? Do you really think that guilt alone has made me stick it out this far?”

Of course not. But... she can't simply admit that.

She’s seen him on good days, bad days, and worse days. She's seen him scraping by with little money to his name but continuing to honestly run the business with a straight back and taut shoulders.

She shakes her head, unsure of herself. After all, she's borrowing words that Ray used to tell her in the past. She's not used to being on this side of the argument, which begs the question: are they destined to swap places again somewhere, sometime down the future?

"I've seen what guilt does to you, Ray. I sure as shit know what it's doing to me," Rio shakes her head, sighing. "I don't think this is only guilt... But there's more of it than I want to see. I don't need any more reasons to lose sleep at night if I can keep you from hurting yourself."

“Then…

... Are you willing to stop me? Stop all of this if I fly past that line?"

"You're already dangerously close. Some would say that you're already past the line of hurting yourself."

"I'm not."

Rio was hoping for any sense of weakness, any stumble over words, fumble in his convictions, but Ray continued to stare at her. Rio was the first to look away.

"All of this… It helped you?”

"It has. I’d love to have you here."

"Okay."

--

The two sit in comfortable silence. As the sun fades, so too, does the tension between them. With no further words to be exchanged, the rest of the decanter behind the counter is emptied out.

Ray makes a disgusted face with every sip. One of the unfortunate effects of their blessings is the rapid processing of whatever toxins enter their body, like alcohol. If they wanted to get remotely buzzed, they had to drink the stuff that was barely safe for consumption.

Which reminds her...

“I thought I’d get you this as a peace offering.”

“What is this?”

“Got it from the gala I talked about earlier. Wine from out of this dimension. Just like the guests."

“What?”

“Later. But guess what? I actually got drunk.”

“Bullshit. Why'd you make me drink the rest of that decanter? Pour me some.”

“You’re the one with the hands, you pour us some.”

Before Ray could reach behind the counter to grab the glasses once more, they are interrupted by the sound of a squeaky stool and a pained, muffled grunt at the end of the stand.

Jack sits in the seat farthest from them, his eyes never meeting theirs. His mouth opens, but it takes a long time for him to slowly form the words. He shrinks as he whispers:

“I don’t know where else to go.”

It's about time they get ready to open back up, anyway.

[Pinned Post]