#but it’s like I’m a caricature of myself

[cas---2y5]

siri tell me where I can get a fucking grip

[divorcemotif]

"oh hey a real person followed me, I should look at their blog"

soon

"...perhaps I should listen to Eskew."

oh boy you caught my blog after an exciting weekend lmao

I absolutely recommend eskew! I don't have a lot of coherent thoughts, since I got into it over a very physically and mentally draining summer job and have yet to relisten, but it left an impression for sure. I will say what there is of an overarching narrative felt a bit jolty to me in places, for lack of a better term— I think you get the vibe of a show that’s figuring itself out somewhat as it goes, however the ideas are very interesting and I could make a long list of moments that really really affected me. my recent posts probably give a good sense of what I liked most abt it; david ward is just. endlessly interesting as a character imo. the writing’s good— there's a kind of.. ironically humorous edge to a lot of my favourite episodes, something I’d have to relisten to properly articulate. there's a tic of referring to one-off characters by a title instead of a name— the correspondence editor, the architect, the witness— that scratches something in my brain. in contrast with the slimy fleshiness of much of the horror, the sound design is just nice, actually— the rain never stops in eskew and the tone of the narration stays pretty level no matter what’s being described. there are only two narrators and I found both of their voices pleasant enough to close my eyes to on the subway after a long day. very solid show

[sunnibits]

this is random but I love when I’m out here wearing my dw TARDIS sweater and my sun necklace and my bee socks like,, I am literally a cartoon character. Could I get any cuter fr 🙄

[mars-ipan]

btw i was Really Smart in communications today :]

[gloriousmishaps]

on overweight characters 📚

because i like to yap about my hobbies 🗣️

i like to do this exercise after i start developing characters for a concept, usually sometime after i hash together the first version of their backstory and before i’ve gotten too attached to any one manifestation of them in my head. i take a step back from the cast and go, “okay. now make at least one (or two or three or FOUR, heaven forbid!) fat.”

your characters could exist in a vacuum if you really wanted, but the best ones don’t. the best ones are overweight because they’re 30 and work a sedentary job that leaves them little time for physical activity. or they’re overweight because they’re 17 and have spent the latter half of their adolescence in foster homes and were never able to form a healthy relationship with food. or they were too busy surviving an abusive situation to focus on the specific kinds of things they were eating. or they were poor. or homeless. or mentally ill. or physically sick and unable to get out of bed for long periods of time.

the same can be said for underweight (or even “average” weight) characters. everyone wants their plucky YA protagonist to be abused and underprivileged (“it builds character, dammit”), but a malnourished character is going to have many more symptoms than just “ribs and collarbones showing.” they’ll be weak. they’ll be immunocompromised probably. their bones will be more fragile. if they’ve never eaten enough their entire life, they’ll probably be shorter than their peers who did.

the important part is to really consider their backstory and how that might be reflected in their body. we’re all products of our environments. someone can be born naturally thin as a beanpole, but an abusive childhood that leads to food hoarding in their future might pack on the weight. or even an adulthood with few opportunities for athletics and too many workplace potlucks.

i guess my point is that a lot of characters should be more overweight than they are. no, 35yr old john smith in accounting who spends most of his 40hrs sitting down at a computer desk should probably not have lean shoulders and a sleek back unless he’s a regular member at the local branch of the fitness club. and maybe the fit and wiry 16yr old heroine of the not-so-distant YA dystopia has a food hoarding problem and eats more than she should because she figures that eating it now is better than losing it and never eating it later.

so, sure, as an overweight person myself, i know it’s a type of catharsis to make your characters look nothing like you; to give them everything you felt you never had. you’ve already suffered so much because of your fatness, why would you suffer willingly in your fantasy worlds? your characters will be so much more likeable if they’re skinny, won’t they? they’ll be so much cooler and fitter and smarter and more deserving of everyone’s affections, just like in real life. just like you experienced. but that catharsis only exists because there’s a 13yr old version of you who still feels othered. and there are 13yr olds now who feel othered, too, and who might feel a little less so when they see a teen that looks like them saving the world and making friends and being loved for exactly who they are.

i think that’s worth the smallest bit of my own personal discomfort.

[seungwoonies]

the anxiety of going back to work week

[exopelagic]

one day I’ll stop vagueposting abt The Guy but that day is not today

[nqueso-emergency]

I was a buddie shipper who converted early because bucktommy was cute and also I realized that it meant Buddie would never happen. I still fucked with buddie for a while though, because a ship doesn’t have to be canon to be fun, but the increasing toxicity from buddie-only fans and the way it invaded fanworks turned me off.

Eventually I realized even fanon buddie was never real. The Buck and Eddie in fanfics are something separate from the Buck and Eddie in the show. They have a few canon window dressings, and the rest is just the same fanfic tropes as every other popular slash ship.

The process of taking the buddie goggles off and admitting I got sucked in because the fanbase was really prolific and I’m not immune to propaganda was a little rough, but I learned some things about myself and about fandom operations for sure.

The truth is Buck and Eddie on the show are friends and perhaps even brotherly. The Buck and Eddie in fanfic are lazy fantasy caricatures most of the time. Eddie is not the most important person in Buck’s life. Important, yes, but Buck goes to Bobby and Hen and Maddie for advice and guidance because he looks up to them and models who he wants to be on them. He goes to Eddie for a peer to have fun with. The trust Eddie has placed in him in regard to Christopher is really meaningful to Buck, and they have supported each other (Eddie’s breakdown, Buck dealing with surviving the lightning strike), but Buck has an actual support network and doesn’t rely overly much on any one person, which is good, but fanfic tends to ignore that.

What’s kind of sad is that Eddie… doesn’t. He’s just a more closed-off person, even Buck usually has to push him to talk about difficult things. He just tries to keep on moving, like he’s doing now with Chris. He’s doing that thing where your parent won’t apologize to you, they just offer you food. Eddie needs a network. Eddie has a network, really, ready to offer him a hand, he just has to make himself reach out. He cannot afford to rely only on Buck, fanfic loves that but it’s a terrible idea really.

I think Eddie is kind of stunted. Emotionally. In part due to his upbringing, but also because he became a parent young and never got to be stupid and irresponsible when he was young. I want to see him grow and rely on people who are not Buck for a while as he learns to trust himself more. I’m hopeful that will happen this season.

But buddie definitely won’t be, and more and more I think it would be the reductive choice anyway.

I agree so much with this, anon!!

[homunculus-argument]

hey there! this sounds like a bit of a silly question, but as a trans guy, you’re one of the few trans people i’ve been following almost since i joined tumblr, so based on your other anon ask and answer i figured i’d pop in and ask if you have any advice? if you want to answer, ofc :) — i foresee this being a bit long, so i totally get if not

so i’m also a trans guy, but i haven’t been able to take any steps toward medical transitioning before since i live with my parents. but i’ll move out soon, and i still can’t decide if i should take any of these steps even once i do. i’ve never felt like i particularly wanted to medically transition (i don’t really care about how my body looks + i’ve never really cared about changing any of it), but i would like to be seen a guy — i don’t mind if not so by strangers, but maybe so by like, my friends. but i can’t help but feel like i’d be laughed at for wanting that — i’m not naturally androgynous or masculine looking to others and i have never been mistaken for a guy, because i have really long hair, d cups, and curves. and without medically transitioning, i also kinda feel like i’m… betraying the trans community, since i’m not really putting the effort into my transition and so i’m just ‘pretending’, even though i do know i’m not.

so my question would be: as a trans person who has transitioned, socially and medically, do you think people are more understanding than i think they are currently? do you know of any trans people who don’t want to medically transition, and do you think it’s possible to live fulfilled that way? or even: do you think it would be easier for someone like me to just live a lie? i usually tell people i’m a lesbian, because they definitely would not look at me and assume ‘straight guy’, but also, as a trans person who doesn’t want to medically transition, i’m just always worried that i won’t be taken seriously. i feel like your experience of being trans and probably interacting with the community is much more than mine, which is why i ask this last one — i would try being open myself, but again, i’m still living with my parents unfortunately.

I'll be honest I don't actually really know much "community" save for former art school classmates. I've only known one trans person irl who chose not to medically transition - at the time, Finland's trans law was still shitty and required sterilisation for legal sex change, and all that. She didn't want kids or anything, but refused to engage in the process as her own little personal civilian protest. I don't want to paint some caricature picture of some Sharp Dommy Tall Scary Goth Trans Anarchist, but I was deeply impressed by the way she didn't do a single thing to try to seem smaller, softer, or in any way submissive or docile to be ~feminine~ the right, socially accepted way.

She wasn't just taller than most men but usually the tallest person in the room, and she stood out in a crowd of cis women like a crane in a chicken coop - a bird just as much as they are, but a different kind of bird. And I remember thinking that I could never do that, being so unflinching and unhesitant about standing out in the crowd because assimilating and muting yourself is beneath your dignity.

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you about being openly trans without transitioning medically, save for that it takes more guts than being able to just go stealth. I had physical dysphoria about the way my body was, and was desperate to get top surgery just for the sake of my own physical comfort, and I like the convenient anonymity of being able to just be Just Some Guy who doesn't attract anyone's interest or curiosity.

It's a smart move to not come out to your parents before you're out of their house and not relying on them for anything - this is something everyone should use their own judgement for, but I stress it to every queer kid to not take the risk if there's any chance that they'll react poorly while they still have power over you. But living your whole life in the closet - "living a lie" is a good way to put it - will corrode you from the inside.

It's better to live in peace with yourself and against the world, than in peace with the world against yourself. There is absolutely nothing in your power that you could do to change the minds of people who have already decided that they don't respect you, and if they try telling you that they would, if you only met their approved criteria, they are lying. That's bait they're dangling in front of you, and there's no "earning" the respect of such people.

Stay true to yourself and be good to people, and you'll have the respect of people who are capable of respecting you. Don't waste your time and energy on people who won't respect you, every thought and effort you spare them is wasted on them.

[0cta9on]

Aye yoo bud✌️

0cta9on Fluffy mode activated, I'm curious how you would write cute/fluff thought on Bae Nmixx.

The way that I see her, I thought she's the most normal member in Nmixx but I'm totally wrong. Her short hair like OmG🤧, I have always like girls keeping their long hair but she's making me think otherwise. Turns out she's the jokester in the group. She maybe doesn't get the most line in their songs but her part always makes me listen thoroughly especially during her part.

I know this may look like I'm jumping biases, but I'm just starting to notice everyone's charm.

- Haewon's latest live stream especially her wolf cut hair style, is just perfect🐺. She can be cute apart from her funny side in which taking most of the spotlight.

-Lily is always such a a ball of sunshine with her aussie accent korean. With her cute struggle to keep up with the Korean language🇰🇷.

-Now I'm starting to look at Kyujin more of a Maknae than ever🐱, she's a bit peculiar compared with other group's maknae, maybe the shocking fact that she's considered the "mother" among the members despite being the youngest.

-Jiwoo? I already went ham on her on the previous ask, totally didn't consume my daily dose of that Bae and Jiwoo tik tok video🤧.

-Where is Sullyoon? I'm currently abstaining myself from her, just a mere second of her appearance is going to make me go overdrive.😵‍💫 I can't get my work done if I kept staring at her for hours.

Hello mikeylo! I decided to use this opportunity to write a short about her instead of just doing fluffy thoughts, hope you don't mind :]

This was a fun one to write, somehow managed to finish it in the span of two hours :> Enjoy!

You’ve come to terms with the fact that you’re a “nerd” ages ago. Studying isn’t something you necessarily enjoy, but it’s a necessary task you must complete in order to secure your spot in the real world, where meaningless titles like “nerd” or “jock” hold no substance on one’s success and only those who truly work hard will stand the test of time. With finals inching ever closer, it’s vital to you that you don’t waste a single second—

“What’s up, nerd?”

A light smack to the back of your head tears you out of the flow state you were in while brushing up on previous study guides from the past year. There’s only one person you know that’s dimwitted enough to still throw out outdated insults like that, almost as if she’s a caricature of a high school bully from those 2010’s movies she claims to hate.

“Bae,” you grumble, “Why are you even here? I thought you said you were ‘allergic to the library’?”

She shrugs, plopping down into the empty seat next to you. “I got bored.”

“Okay.” You turn your attention back to the worksheets in front of you, trying to remember where you left off. “Not my problem.”

“C’mon, man,” she groans. “Let’s do something fun.”

There aren’t many things that threaten the future of your success; most issues can be waved away with a quick favor or a helpful push in the right direction. In fact, you already have the rest of your life meticulously planned out in a journal, complete with potential contingencies and multiple backups in case any problems may arise.

Enter: Bae Jinsol. The physical embodiment of everything that could and will stand in your way. You tutored her once two semesters ago, and you’ve regretted it ever since. Not quite a leech—you’re not that cruel—but her unyielding persistence alone is enough to make it so that giving her what she wants is the only viable solution you have. More often than not, this means hours of time wasted that could be spent towards perfecting your mind to the best it can be.

“I’m really busy right now,” you say.

“What could you possibly need to study for, you’re, like, the smartest person I know.”

You raise an eyebrow at her. “Knowing you, that doesn’t mean much— Ow.”

Bae slaps your arm, pouting at you. “That’s mean.”

You can’t help but grin at her expression. “You’re right, that was mean. I apologize,” you say, making an effort to sound sincere. “Now, I have a lot of work to do, so unless you’re okay with sitting there and watching me study, I suggest that you go and hang out with your other friends.”

She rests her head against the table, turning to watch you with her endearingly round eyes. “I chose to come here. I’ll stick to my decision like a real man.”

“Whatever,” you chuckle before turning back to the study guide.

It’s a bit difficult trying to study with an audience, but not a scenario you’re unfamiliar with. On the rare occasion that Bae doesn’t consistently bug you with her antics, you find her presence quite comfortable. Sometimes she’ll even ask about what you’re working on and entertain your little rants about discoveries you’ve made or thoughts you’ve been having, asking questions if she doesn’t get something. Her motivation to study is nonexistent, but her desire to understand is glaringly present.

Although, with nothing to talk about today, she gives you a good five minutes before breaking the silence.

“I’m bored again,” she sighs. “Let’s get boba.”

“What happened to sticking to your decision ‘like a real man’?” you tease.

“I’m a woman, jackass.” She leans into you, obscuring your view of the study guide with her face. “And this woman wants boba.”

The world around you freezes as the scent of her perfume lingers past your nose, igniting memories of warmth and coziness. The first crack in a wall that you worked too hard to maintain. 

“Why don’t you ask Haewon to go with you instead?” you suggest, trying and failing to avert your gaze from those perfect irises, like swimming pools of deep obsidian.

“Because…” A light blush grows on her cheeks. “...I wanna get boba with you.”

The crack in the wall splinters and grows, exposing the weaknesses that you didn’t know were there. Or perhaps, you did know and chose to ignore them anyways, spackling over them with cheap excuses.

You scoff at her, a meager attempt to save face. “You just want me to pay for you. Again.”

“I told you I’ll pay you back!” she exclaims, earning a couple harsh shushes from nearby students. “I’m just a little strapped for cash at the moment.”

“Why don’t you try, I don’t know, actually looking for a job?” Your gaze moves back to your papers, desperately trying to escape this stalemate. “If you’ll excuse me, I have some work to do.”

Bae clings to the sleeves of her sweater, pouting at you. “Please~?”

Despite her persistence, you dare not move an inch, worried that one small movement could be the final crack that topples the wall. Your eyes reread the same line over and over again, hoping each pass will eventually take, but your mind is too cluttered to properly focus. With the gentle tug of her fingers and the notes of vanilla bean gliding past your nostrils, it’s a wonder how you haven’t succumbed to her demands already.

With a huff of her breath, Bae takes your hand in hers, using her final trump card.

“Baby~”

You want to think that, at that moment, the wall came crashing down in a ceremonious fashion, leaving behind a pile of rubble in its wake, a monument to all the effort you put into your future. But the truth is, she tore down that wall months ago—in fact, you can pinpoint the exact moment of its destruction. 

The second you came face to face with her confused expression in that pre-calc class is the moment that sealed your fate, completely changing your perception of what the future could be like for you. That journal you keep, detailing every single miniscule detail of your potential career? You barely got two pages in before turning it into a scrapbook, filling every inch of paper with words, pictures, and keepsakes that remind you of the girl that refuses to give you a moment of peace.

And maybe that’s a good thing. The world could end tomorrow, rendering all of your plans useless. Why spend your last moments with your nose in a study guide when you could be drinking boba with your girlfriend?

“...You’re the worst, you know that?” you utter, interlacing your fingers with hers. Bae flashes you that wide, toothy smile that you can’t get enough of.

“Wow, you’re actually so obsessed with me, that’s insane,” she teases. “Just a single word and you immediately folded like an omelet.”

You haphazardly throw your belongings into your bag, eager to get out of the library and spend time with her. “I’m not obsessed, stupid,” you say,” I’m in love with you.”

“God, you’re so corny.” Despite her deflection, the blush growing on her face betrays her true feelings. She nervously scans the rest of the room before planting a sneaky kiss on your cheek, warm yet fleeting. “I love you too, stupid.”

It’s a fool’s errand to try and predict the future. No matter how smart you are, how many books you read, how many plans you make, the only thing you can do is hope for the future that you desire. And right now, the only future you want is one just like the present, with you clinging onto Bae’s hand with no intention of letting go.

[glitter-stained]

I'm writing a Jason Vs Dick fic for a secret santa exchange...

The prompt has the fic set during the Battle for the cowl arc - Jason is the villain. He's delusional (the dyeing his hair thing never really happened - he dyed his black hair red) and seriously messed up. It is a pretty dark fic.

Basically Jason knows on some level how badly messed up he is. He wants Dick to be his Robin, because he believes that it was Robin Dick who saved Bruce from darkness. He wants Dick (who is already juggling too much responsibility) to do the same for him... Be the light to his darkness...

Saw your posts about the BTFC arc in particular and mentally ill villains in general.

Any suggestions on how to handle the BtFC Jason?

...don’t ?

No, wait, listen. I know I said “write what you want as long as it’s self-aware”, it’s just you’ve chosen to write an absolute nightmare of a minefield to be self-aware about. I believe it’s possible to write Btfc fanfics that aren’t psychophobic, I just think it must be incredibly hard; Btfc is my second least favourite comic because all of it is soaked and drenched in psychophobia and I wish with all of my heart for dc to continue ignoring it and hopefully bury it under layers and layers of retcon until it’s less significant to Jason’s modern characterization than Waldo the clown (no hate on Waldo, he was much better than anything about Btfc though). So, I can give you advice for sure, I’m just concerned it will not be enough, because I wouldn’t trust myself to write a non-psychophobic Btfc fic, but you sure can try!

The core issue about Btfc (and any villainous characterization of Jason) is that, at the difference of other characters like the Joker, there’s a strange kind of coherence to it. For all we talk about Jason sometimes acting OOC, he’s reliably showing symptoms of BPD, like, to me, it’s pretty blatant. The difference between UTH and BiB or Btfc isn’t that he has BPD in one and not the other, it’s that BiB and Btfc are much more brutally psychophobic renditions of BPD than UTH (though UTH isn’t fully clean either). In other words, Btfc is a violent caricature of Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m not sure if this is on purpose, because on the one hand, it’s so consistent I feel like someone at dc told the writers “Jason has bpd” and they all ran with their caricatural representation of the disorder, or (because I don’t wanna underestimate dc’s ignorance regarding mental disorders) if they just read about him, thought “hey, he kinda fits into that subtype of stereotypical mental illness I have in mind” and projected their stereotypes about BPD about him without even knowing those are BPD stereotypes. The end result is the same: bpd on a spectrum from “almost well written” to “nastiest rep I’ve ever read”.

Now in Btfc (just as in UTH or BiB tbh) I’d say Jason is splitting, having an episode in which his BPD symptoms are flaring up completely. This can absolutely include brief psychotic episodes, and tbh the part you mentioned about dyeing his hair I can totally get behind. And because you’re writing Jason in the middle of a particularly intense episode, you can’t make the economy of considering the question of moral responsibility. If Jason is committing morally reprehensible actions as a consequence of the disordered patterns in the context of the episode, whether we’re talking about splitting or delusion or disordered thought patterns, you have to consider the question of responsibility, and on a spectrum. You also have to identify who is deciding those actions are morally reprehensible (is it Dick? The law? You, the author? The anticipated reader? All of them?) and whether you expect this judge is passed on the action, the person, or, who knows, even the disorder itself. And of course consider the implications of that fact. (For example, it’s completely possible for Dick, in the context he’s grown and developed in, and considering the insane stress he’s under, to be psychophobic as fuck; and obviously, writing a character doing something doesn’t mean that you support it, but if Jason is the villain and Dick is a hero and Dick is being psychophobic you should pay attention to whether the narrative is implying that Dick is right to be psychophobic about it.)

[shizunitis]

Elaborate on Bingge breaking SY’s heart?

honestly i posted that because i was listening to a song and then promptly forgot what i was thinking. however. i can try to reverse engineer myself. did it with shizun, what am i compared to him?

so:

1) one could say that him ripping shen yuan’s limbs off when he thought he was meeting bingmei in the dream realm could be a certain type of heartbreak, as stretched as the logic might be.

2) via airplane’s shitty decisions bingge-writing-wise, luo bingge eventually became one of those protagonists shen yuan couldn’t defend or even like. he became a caricature of himself, instead of what shen yuan (and even airplane) had expected of him, hoped for him. i’m mainly thinking of the “[…] all the youth and frustrations he’d wasted following [PIDW]” (Vol. 2, Ch. 6). i mean, it’s one way it could be interpreted, right?

3) bingge’s behaviour during the mei vs. ge extra. shen yuan might be resilient, might understand bingge’s perspective and his hatred for shen qingqiu, but no one gets out of that situation happy. least of all bingge’s biggest fan in a former life. yes, he has bingmei, and he doesn’t care that much about bingge anymore, and his opinion of bingge was already in hell. but still.

if my favourite character did that to me. well. i’d probably move on but i’d still be extremely offended. and my ego would take a pretty big hit. but then again, i’m a binghe kinnie. so. take me just seriously enough to respect me and no more please. i make mistakes every single moment of my life.

mainly i was thinking from bingge’s perspective. when he goes back, wouldn’t he hate himself, just a tinny tiny bit? for all the aforementioned fuck-ups? maybe not, he sucks, but. you know. i’m trying my best

so. hm. maybe i’ll come back to this later? if i remember, or if it has any merit. love you for trusting that i had an actually coherent thought. you deserve shizun’s headpats as well

[feralgodmothers]

I think I cracked it you guys. A part of why Elvis (2022) has such a hold on me (and why you should watch it too if you haven’t already).

The first time I watched it, I didn’t really have any expectations - I wasn’t a fan of Elvis, because my mother hated him, and I grew up without any real exposure to him or his music. I also wasn’t a fan of Baz Luhrmann, because I found his directing style to be too over-the-top, chaotic, and truthfully - obnoxious. So neither of those two big names attached to it were a draw-in for me. And on top of that, I didn’t know Tom Hanks was in it, and I didn’t know who Austin Butler was - not to mention there’s been an abundance of music biopics lately. The only thing that captured my attention was how accurately the trailer portrayed the fangirl spirit. I was like ‘Yeah, that’s exactly what it’s like. I can relate to that’, lol. So with that being the only thing that held my interest, I put it on and just shrugged and thought ‘Who knows, this might be fun’.

I was completely blown away.

I had seen a few clips of Elvis prior to this at some point in my life, so I had just enough reference in my memory to go on while I watched Austin do his thing, and he nailed it. It took no time at all for you to feel like you were actually watching Elvis Presley, not just some guy playing him. Austin Butler was flawless - he’s received a tremendous amount of praise for his performance, and quite frankly - I don’t think there could ever be enough praise for what he was able to accomplish here. It is one of the best performances of all time, and that is no exaggeration. It was so exciting - the amount of movie magic (that’s been sorely lacking from films lately) was on full display here, and it gave me new life. I felt a real connection to a completely different era in our history, a connection to a whole other generation of people/fans, and to a music legend that I knew almost nothing about, and who pop culture had twisted into some mythical caricature of himself. This film accomplishes so much, and I was caught up in a whirlwind of something truly eye-opening and magical. The main takeaway I had from my first time viewing was pure excitement and adrenaline, from just being transported somewhere else entirely, both emotionally and spiritually, and from unlearning some misconceptions I had about Elvis Presley. And, as a bonus, I now had a new celebrity crush in Austin Butler (and we all know - stumbling across someone new to thirst over will always be a profound part of the fangirl experience, lol).

The second time I watched it, I was going in still riding that high that I felt - and I was ready to immerse myself into full, thirsty fangirl mode. And obviously I did thirst - but by the end of the film, I was so incredibly emotional. I cried so much, and felt so sad. Of course, I felt sad by the end the first time I watched it too - Elvis died tragically early, and the way the movie highlighted his final performance was so effectively heartbreaking and moving. But I think the more positive feelings I had experienced before had prevented me from sinking too low into my feelings. But by that second viewing, man… the dam just broke, and I was legitimately mourning this man. I’m not kidding when I say this is probably the best biopic I’ve ever seen, and possibly one of the best movies period that I’ve ever seen. I cannot express strongly enough how much it truly resonates with me.

Anyway, my whole point in saying that I cracked it, I say as a fangirl through-and-through - I think the two biggest impacts that can ignite a fangirl’s spirit into a full, dazzling and glorious blaze is: thirst and heartbreak. And this movie provided both of those things in spades. It’s so beautiful to watch - Austin’s beautiful, the storytelling is beautiful, the cinematography is beautiful, the care, dedication, and craft is beautiful. To me, it is absolutely perfect, and it has completely taken over my mind, heart, and soul. I cannot recommend this film highly enough. It is everything to me right now, and the more people who are willing to give it a chance and enjoy it, the better.

[casteliacityramen]

[Previous] [PART 2 OF 2]

“I flew around a bit." 

"I overheard some talks about an open gala in Sinnoh and I decided to attend it. I’ll tell you the whole story about what happened later, but...

... Even when I was trying to relax, I couldn't feel comfortable with myself. Like… like wearing clothes that didn’t fit. The longer the night went on, nothing felt right. And I’m not just talking about the disguise.”

“You felt like a caricature of who you used to be.”

“Yeah. I knew I was going to feel awful when the Continental War was done and over with. I knew we were going to be reprimanded, or worse, but…” Rio frowns deeply, trying to gather her tangled thoughts together.

“I didn't think it'd mess me up as bad as this. I didn’t recognize who I was by the end of the night. I’m worried there’s no going back to who I used to be. I miss the version of myself who could go to a gala and not be miserable in the corner. It feels like that part of me died--that optimistic part of me."

“Do you get what I’m talking about?”

Rio waits with bated breath, only for Ray to curtly answer:

"Yes. And no?"

Rio feels her temper quickly flare up as she lets out a frustrated huff, "Whaddya mean by that?"

Ray raises his palms towards her, slowly.

"It's not that I don't understand what you're saying,” Ray turns to her and gives her a faint smile, "I like to think my experiences are changing me for the better. That’s where you and I differ."

“What, that you’re becoming less of who you used to be and more of… whatever this is?”

"A sub-par noodle penchant?" Ray laughed, throwing Rio's words right back at her from earlier that day.

"You know what I mean, Ray," Rio feels her face get hot. "It's as if..."

"... It's as if you're undoing yourself to make up for what you've done," Rio whispers out loud. The sudden conclusion steals her breath. "Ray, you're not doing all this to punish yourself, are you?"

"..."

"Please say no.”

"It may have started out that way, but that's not the case now."

“Ray…” Rio whispered in disbelief, out loud. 

“You may see this as me continuing a dead man’s legacy. But it’s more than that. This place was a gifted to me and came with a wish. I intend to honor that gesture. Even though we can’t do any of our usual duties, that’s no excuse to stop acting like a shepherd.”

“If your version of helping the commonwealth is to further seat yourself into guilt, I can’t let you follow through with this.”

“You’re still not getting it, It’s not like that."

"Are you sure about that? Because it's all starting to sound like you're doing this as some sort of messed up way of repenting for your sins."

"I'm telling you, it's not like that."

“Ray, there's a moment when living for the memory of someone else turns into hurting yourself." 

"Like how you visited your own gravestone in Johto? Do you really see all of your soldiers offering gifts in your memory and call that self harm? Didn't you just say that you're grieving over someone who you used to be? Is it really that wrong? To cling to what's left!?"

"For me, it is."

"We aren't mortal, Ray. This entire conversation we're having? This argument? All of it? This is what happens when we can't move on. We drag everything with us for hundreds, maybe thousands of years whether we like it or not. This is only going to bring you pain in the long run.

I’m sorry I blew up at you earlier today, but I still stand by what I said. You have no right to continue Tai Ishikawa's legacy, even if all of this was a gift.

All of this? Hanging around Ingram's descendants, Ayumi and Jack? Working an ungodly amount of hours for a tiny bit of yen? The past guilt alone will eat you alive."

"I'm aware of what happens to me if I stew in it. I've been here five years longer than you have,” Ray mutters. “Besides, do you think that I don't know how to live with all the pain I've gathered? Do you really think that guilt alone has made me stick it out this far?”

Of course not. But... she can't simply admit that.

She’s seen him on good days, bad days, and worse days. She's seen him scraping by with little money to his name but continuing to honestly run the business with a straight back and taut shoulders.

She shakes her head, unsure of herself. After all, she's borrowing words that Ray used to tell her in the past. She's not used to being on this side of the argument, which begs the question: are they destined to swap places again somewhere, sometime down the future?

"I've seen what guilt does to you, Ray. I sure as shit know what it's doing to me," Rio shakes her head, sighing. "I don't think this is only guilt... But there's more of it than I want to see. I don't need any more reasons to lose sleep at night if I can keep you from hurting yourself."

“Then…

... Are you willing to stop me? Stop all of this if I fly past that line?"

"You're already dangerously close. Some would say that you're already past the line of hurting yourself."

"I'm not."

Rio was hoping for any sense of weakness, any stumble over words, fumble in his convictions, but Ray continued to stare at her. Rio was the first to look away.

"All of this… It helped you?”

"It has. I’d love to have you here."

"Okay."

--

The two sit in comfortable silence. As the sun fades, so too, does the tension between them. With no further words to be exchanged, the rest of the decanter behind the counter is emptied out.

Ray makes a disgusted face with every sip. One of the unfortunate effects of their blessings is the rapid processing of whatever toxins enter their body, like alcohol. If they wanted to get remotely buzzed, they had to drink the stuff that was barely safe for consumption.

Which reminds her...

“I thought I’d get you this as a peace offering.”

“What is this?”

“Got it from the gala I talked about earlier. Wine from out of this dimension. Just like the guests."

“What?”

“Later. But guess what? I actually got drunk.”

“Bullshit. Why'd you make me drink the rest of that decanter? Pour me some.”

“You’re the one with the hands, you pour us some.”

Before Ray could reach behind the counter to grab the glasses once more, they are interrupted by the sound of a squeaky stool and a pained, muffled grunt at the end of the stand.

Jack sits in the seat farthest from them, his eyes never meeting theirs. His mouth opens, but it takes a long time for him to slowly form the words. He shrinks as he whispers:

“I don’t know where else to go.”

It's about time they get ready to open back up, anyway.

[Pinned Post]

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for dressing up as Frank n furter for Halloween?

This happened on the 28th of October but people are still indecisive about whether I’m the asshole so I’d thought I’d get some outside opinion.

I, 23M, am a trans guy(I don’t pass as a guy if that’s relevant), and on the 28th I went to a Halloween party hosted by one of my friends. Most of our circle is queer and open minded so I thought it would be safe for me to dress up as Frank n furter from rocky horror picture show. I went all out, makeup, fake tattoo, etc.

There’s a trans girl who’s pretty popular in the friend group, I’ll call her Alice. I haven’t spoken to Alice too much but I’ve been in group conversations and we’ve gotten along well enough.

When I entered the party, I got a few compliments on my outfit but when I saw Alice she sort of gave me a bit of a dirty look. I didn’t think much of it until she pulled me aside an hour later and said that it was insensitive for me to dress up as Frank n furter because the character was offensive to trans women. I didn’t really know what to say to that so I just sort of went “well, he’s an icon for a lot of queer people” and sort of shrugged my shoulders. She then said that I should have a bit more empathy for trans women and to try and not appropriate caricatures of them.

Now, to be fair, this is a condensed version and she was very polite and said this to me in a more educating tone than that, I just thought it would be better to get to the point, especially since it was like a 15 minute conversation.

I ended up telling her that I know that some trans people take offence to Frank n furter, but that other trans people, like myself, looked up to and admired the gender fuckery of the character, even if it isn’t the best portrayal.

We had a bit of back and forth where it got a bit heated, I was and still am adamant that I can dress up as whoever I want for Halloween, especially a character from a play/movie I really like and she was adamant that I was appropriating trans women’s struggle somehow? She likened it to how trans men can’t say the t slur, which I also personally disagree with.

Alice ended the conversation by pretty much saying “you can’t fully understand the negative impact of that character because you are a trans man and not a trans woman”

At the after party I brought this up with some of my closer friends and it was a very mixed opinion across all genders and we didn’t get to a definitive answer.

So, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[ov105]

Short: Hush

After refusing to upload this for a day, Tumblr finally budged! This took a lot longer than I wished to write. Well, who can blame a lazy student right? I can only keep the industrious facade for so long. Some irl experience *wink wink* helped crank this one. (This is not a retelling.)

This is the prequel to Noise.

3,360 words of Park Sieun

Enjoy!

University. The four years of your life where you can make or break the rest of it. At least, that's how I saw it. The high pressure, an unfortunate side effect of such a perfectionistic pursuit, required sacrificing many things that I saw as necessary at one point. I was enrolled in a program that took all the time. Studying most nights, usually holed up beside my bed or in the library, tonight felt just like any other. It was a routine I'd gotten used to, but sleep's siren song called with so few people at this hour. The custodian wasn't even around, just a single librarian at the first-floor desk. It was a weekday, the last where we needed to be on campus, and there was a holiday tomorrow and the weekend after that. I didn't feel like going to my dorm, but I didn't want to be lazy.

I study alone. Group study never appealed to me, though a friend here or there would come. People I know knew my routine well.

A message lit up my phone screen. It was Sieun.

[Hey, you're in the library?]

[Yeah] I replied.

[What floor?]

[5th]

Sieun didn't respond after that. There was no elevator, so I only assumed she was on her way up the stairs. Seeing the door open and her come through, laptop and textbook in hand as she waved at me. She asked me the cliched question as she laid down her stuff.

"You read that other chapter yet?"

"Nope, barely halfway with this-," pointing to my screen, the pdf opened.

"-Aish, quit studying; you have the whole weekend anyways!" Sieun jokingly exclaimed.

I wasn't. I was just reading other things.

"Oh well, you're right, bye-bye!" I replied, pretending to close my laptop.

"Yah! Don't leave me here," she replied, shutting me down, "I don't want to go home yet, so do whatever you want."

I knew Sieun had a lot of friends, I didn't have much, but they were just as introverted as me. I was probably overthinking it to have a girl from class join me; she was a coffee shop kind of girl. Even more confusing, she was known to be nice to everyone, everybody's friend, but she was smart about it, not becoming a stereotypical caricature of the more socially well-endowed. Typical of an overthinker like myself, I didn't question her company if it didn't make me uncomfortable.

"Oh, you too, huh," I said as I opened my phone.

"What?" Sieun asked, confused.

"When you don't feel like going home, you just hang around somewhere."

"Oh," she seemed to relax, "Yeah, when I don't feel like greeting too many people."

“Besides, I’m an introvert anyway, just happens that I’m just an attention-seeker as well.”

“I can tell,” I replied.

She grabbed her headphones from her bag, holding it in my direction, "Wanna watch?"

"What you watching?" I asked, hoping to myself it wasn't some blood-boiling thriller drama.

It was a rom-com—nothing I find stressful. I agreed, then Sieun told me to scoot over beside her.

I didn't know how long or what time it was, but we were still waiting for someone to come up to tell us to go home. It wasn't that late. Before I knew it, we were six and a half episodes in. We sat comfortably and moved now and then, not to lock our muscles up. I had my right leg up, with my left hand dangling in the space between the chairs. Keeping my focus on her laptop, I didn't mind, nor did I want to overthink her gesture; it was a cold hall.

That was until I felt her right hand slowly gliding over my thighs, barely feeling her fingers over my pant leg. But she wasn't doing well if she attempted to be discreet. Sure, I knew what to do, but I was just too unsure, so I whispered.

"Sieun."

"What?"

I simply pointed down where her hand was. A smirk appeared on her face.

"Oh," she whispered, a blush joining her smirk as she looked up at me. At least, she tried to.

"I've heard some things about you lately."

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath. I knew what Sieun meant. I always let my lips loose whenever I was inebriated, though I knew secrets were always off-limits. Unfortunately, that meant my arrogance stuck out, perhaps a little too much to disregard myself. She let out a chuckle.

"Don't regret it now," Sieun said, looking at the door before matching my gaze, having a different look in her eyes, mere inches away, even in the dark. She wanted something from me.

"Don't worry, I'm the right person to hear about it," she slowly said, noticing her left hand already tugging at my arm, pulling me in.

Sieun's eyes then darted for a split second to my lips. She then shut her eyes—a soft smooch—and the next thing I knew, I was opening mine. We were much closer now. I was probably red because she was too. I was, however, sober; her words echoed; why would she be the right person? It was impossible to think straight; I just swallowed my pride.

"Just give me a chance," she said, almost in a whisper, taunting, "I know you'd want me too."

Wait. Did Sieun just ask me if she could do me? Was I being gaslit? Didn't this scenario only exist in movies? I swore I panicked for a second.

I just smirked, then gave a peck on the lip as an answer. Almost throwing herself on me, returning more than just a peck, it had collapsed into a full-on make-out before I could even count to ten. My hands were on Sieun's thighs and neck, with hers on mine—a handsy affair. It was a side of her I hadn't seen before or one I only expected to happen in printed fiction. I knew everyone had their own pervert, and mine was a tomcat on the prowl. Though now, even the wildest I've heard of seemed tame. All because this was reality.

"I never thought you were naughty," I quipped.

"So did I."

Wanting to see how true that was, we kept pushing and pulling with our lips, not noticing how handsy we were becoming. Sieun was softly groping the bulge between my legs and, with my right hand, moved down from her neck, mirroring hers, three fingers pressing where it was the warmest.

"Wait, wait, wait," she pulled away as I tried to move up her sweater.

Standing up, Sieun closed her laptop, the drama having run away from us becoming steamy, straddling me into an embrace, pressing herself right up to my face before using her fingers to point me upward and back to her lips. It felt electrifying, the room becoming colder and warmer as our lips approached each other. She was going somewhat slower now, and noticing my hands were idly gripped to her thighs, she grabbed my wrist and put it on her waist. I wasn't planning just staying there, going down and slipping upwards under her sweater; the problem was that it was in the way.

Giving me one loud, suckling kiss, she moved back, almost forcing herself to. She hurriedly pulled her sweater off herself and dumped it where she sat. Grabbing my left wrist again, but now putting on her right tit, squeezing the moment my palm landed on it.

It was small, little by anybody's standards. After all, Sieun was petite. To make myself clear, I laid my lips where I felt it, even with the shirt on. Being so exposed where we sat, anything beyond the sweater was off-limits, but she already had untucked her shirt when she took it off.

Though as we continued to make out, I slid my hand into it, and firmly grabbed her tit, feeling the soft mound held in place by her bra, cursing that fact in my head, only to be distracted by Sieun suddenly darting her tongue out when I did. If that was so, then so should I, softly squeezing with my left hand, my right moving back to her ass and copying it. A slight jolt came from her as she grabbed my wrist from under her and pulled away.

"Let's not do this here," Sieun said.

"Couldn't you have said that earlier?" I replied, annoyed.

"I just got carried away," she sounded sad.

She was thinking of something.

"Alright, let's go to my place after this," Sieun said. I just agreed with her.

Giving me one more kiss, she got off of me. Looking at where she was gazing, it was on the large old shelves of the archives room. Filled to the brim with cardboard boxes, some empty, others half-full, and more empty, yellowed-out periodicals, and some published medical and law reports. But as an imaginative kid with too much access to the internet, I always thought it was the ideal place for a quickie.

Looking back, she knew I had checked out the same place.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" she asked as she tied her hair.

I just nodded. I had no idea.

Before I knew it, she flashed me a smile and darted off. I stood up and followed her into the room as she turned into a shelf with a higher shadow, having long forgotten, hard-bound folders stacked above it, creating a shade. I stopped. For a second, the old legends my grandmother told me flashed back, one of the pretty fairies that lured young men into the hills, just for them never to come back down.

But now isn't the time for tall tales, even if it felt like one.

Following where I last saw Sieun, she dragged me to the window sill. Gently pushing me against the wall as she planted her lips on me again, much more tender this time, with her hands on my chest. I was running on instinct, driven by the perpetual motion of her lips. All sorts of images popped up in my head, the least of which involved carrying her and fucking her raw then and there.

A storyboard straight out of a manhwa—that was stretching it—but I was already in her pages anyway.

After making out for a bit, and now with me up against the shelf, Sieun looked around before dropping down to my crotch. Her squat turned into kneeling as she grabbed and undid my belt, putting her left hand under my crotch and massaging my balls through my boxers. The feeling of butterflies in my gut quickly left as blood pooled on my cock, sparing her at least a quarter of the work as she pulled my boxers down and took it in her hand.

Sieun was not shy. Looking up at me as she opened her mouth and pointed her dick at it. Her tongue made a swift flick on the tip before wrapping her lips around it, tugging at it as she went to work. It was a quickie, after all, and there'd be no excuses if somebody came past and caught us. Thankfully for her, the past few minutes gave me plenty of images to be erect quicker, the best of which was the feeling of her mouth doing me.  

I felt my breath begin to shorten, maybe even shake, as my tip got harder and, thus, more sensitive. Taking a hand off and hearing a slight gulp as my cock enlarged in Sieun's mouth, a slowly rising pace to come along with it, maybe even a hushed moan as the world seemed quiet at that minute. Looking down to see my cock firmly wrapped in her lips as her tongue glided up and down slowly, needily, and readily. The tip brushed against the top of her mouth as every vein on my shaft was pressed by her tongue. She gave herself a few dips as she tried to settle in a pace; the last of them went too far as her lips hit my crotch. Gagging, her face turned sour as she pulled away, suddenly catching her throat.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Sieun said as she swallowed, reassuringly saying, "I-I'm fine, it’s just been a while."

Regaining her composure, she puckered, then wrapped her lips around the tip, starting slowly at half length before going all the way in. This time being more careful not to make herself gag again. So she went, continuing where she had tripped earlier, the whole hiccup not even being counted to ten. Setting a speed that left me holding on to the shelf as she closed her eyes and reveled in her work. Seeing her head twist slightly to the left as she wasn't using her hand, I could hear a low humming as she sucked on my shaft. Almost going down the same way and hitting the back of her mouth, though this time she wasn't going that far and enjoying herself.

Thinking that was the end of me, she reluctantly pulled her lips away and licked my cock upward.

"I'm not going to say this any other way," she followed, "You got a good one too."

An ego boost. I would even think it was an unnecessary one.

"You're not lying, aren't you?"

"Hmm?" Sieun said with half my shaft in her mouth, giving it a few tugs with her lips and only stopping when she felt the slightest twitch of my cock on her tongue, asking back as she kissed it.

"Am I lying now?"

I didn't answer. It was enough an answer either way. Sieun eased her head back down on it as she continued. Thinking I was to be carried away easily, she suddenly sped up, even catching me off guard as I felt myself shudder when my tip hit the back of her mouth. What made her stop wasn't a gag this time, but rather the loud suckling that her lips made, once, twice, three. She stopped, then suddenly looked up and saw the surprise in both our eyes.

Realizing her error, she had no way to go but slow, which meant teasing me much more. I just hoped she was the type to swallow.

Closing her eyes, Sieun then formed a ring with her index finger and thumb; she kept her lips tightly sealed while her tongue circled my tip. Catching me off guard when she slipped it over her tongue and dove down, feeling the tightness of her lips and the pressure of her tongue as she slowly got deeper close to where her fingers were at. She just had to top it off, looking up at me—as if waiting for a compliment—while she passed every vein and let the pressure slowly build up.

Keeping at that for a good minute, she ensured I lost track of time. By that point, she knew that she was just dragging me along by that point any faster, and I'd explode down her throat. I became more sensitive as she tasted the precum, seeing her eyes react as the secretion came onto her tongue. So, she enjoyed herself, tilting her head and probably moaning quietly. On my end, my breath was already shaking, and I was biting my lip.

I was always shy with dirty talk. Though if there was anything like a "romantic blowjob," this was it.

I've yet to hear of one-night stands that get too attached. But Sieun was in the same class; this would either end awkwardly or something was up. Then I remembered what she said earlier, but before my brain could fly away, thinking itself to death. I was brought back down with one swift swipe of her lip.

Looking down to see Sieun picking up the pace as my knees began to buckle under the sensual barrage from her front; she was anticipating me to break any moment now. I just knew that it was a thin line for her to cross, but whatever confidence she had now, she was not misplaced. Going deep and only deep, save for a few tugs at the tip, as keeping my mouth shut became much more challenging.

Pulling away with a loud pop, she kept it going with a handjob.

"You like it?" she asked.

This was the worst time to ask. It's like Sieun paused the porno.

I just nodded like an addled boy. She licked her lips and smiled.

I took a big gulp as her lips engulfed my shaft again, knowing I was at my last straw. Just one tight slurp after the other, and I was just about done for.

A thunderbolt. A single swipe of Sieun's tongue sent me shaking, curling, drowning. Her lips barely held the saliva in a while, and my twitching became quicker, using everything she could to try and make me cum. Just barely crossing the threshold, though this time, it was her making the noise. Leaving any sense of awareness as she moaned and hummed to herself as she tried to rein my shaft in her mouth. Feeling her mouth tightening, it was the death knell of me, whether it was me imagining it or it was her intent, but I just knew this was it.

When I went quiet, I knew my end was up. My jaw dropped in silence as my knuckles began to turn white, holding onto the shelf. Sieun's eyes, the only way I could tell anything from her, shot up in surprise as my cock, her lips midway, hardened and began bursting in her mouth. Perhaps, a little too early, the second spurt, a warm, gooey one that made even me jump, as it hit the back of her mouth. Feeling an instinctive gulp and watching her react as the rest followed. Slowly moving while her eyebrows furrowed, probably surprised by the sheer volume or taste, trying to keep it in her mouth, fighting the urge to swallow, while her tongue stayed where it was. As my orgasm died down, and having done her bidding, she slowly eased back.

It was perhaps an unintended consequence on her end that I'd let out that much cum. I just hoped she wouldn't be too mad. Slowly taking her lips off, my cock was covered in drool but looked clean, except for the tip, which had expended itself.  

Sieun put her hand under her face, probably to spit it out. Looking up at me before she drew her hand away and swallowed it all, but not without some discomfort in her expression, then licked her lips before stating the obvious.

"That's a lot," she said as she stood up, "and hotter than I thought."

"What?" I asked, a little confused, while I pulled my boxers up.

"Everything, the blowjob, where we are, um," Sieun stopped.

"What is it?" I asked again.

"No," she hesitated, "I'll just tell you on the way down."

Not wanting to ruin the mood by prying, I just scoffed, letting her go. We then left the shelves like nothing had happened. It might have been witness to other couples doing more daring things than a tame, silent blowjob. Sheepishly walked back to our table, and while thankfully nobody came, it seemed like a ghost town with how late it was. Just two bags and personal belongings strewn on the table, forgotten by their owners. I had lost track of time from when she kissed me, but I knew that was a lifetime ago.

There was a sense of silent urgency among us as we packed, flashing a shy smile or two as we knew we'd be doing a lot more once we got to her place. Leaving the room, what she did next surprised me and made me feel warmer than whatever we just did. She put her arm around my elbow. As we made our way to the staircase, we decided to go the route that prevented us from seeing the librarian's desk. Sieun then put herself beside my ear and spoke up almost in a whisper.

I turned red, shy even, but with a tug, there seemed no need to run.